Doug Loves Movies - Shane Torres, Dan Van Kirk and Sean Jordan guest

Episode Date: October 1, 2018

Live from the American Comedy Co. in Sweet Home San Diego, Doug welcomes Shane Torres, Dan Van Kirk and Sean Jordan to the show.You can find the entire archive of Doug Loves Movies on Stitcher Premium. For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code "DOUG."See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, squeenies, babies, sticky seeds With 50 acid popcorn kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves movies I really looked at the stage when everything looks great and then now I realize that I don't have a mic stand. Dear American Comedy Company here in Sweet Home San Diego, if you could hook me up with just a straight

up regular mic stand, I'd appreciate it. Until then, I'm going to protest. Oh, that's so good. I was about to protest some stuff until I got the microphone stand, but holy shit, that really came in fast.

There was a lot of things I wanted to protest, but you know what? Maybe this week more than any other. Holy shit, that really came in fast. There was a lot of things I wanted to protest. But you know what? Maybe this week more than any other, let's just get together on, you know, let's get a group of men on stage. Let's just get some guys up here and let them speak for once. All right.

Where was I? Hey, hey, hey. Had I said that? My name is Doug, and I love movies. This is Doug Loves Movies. Coming to you once again from the American Comedy Company in San Diego, California. It's Saturday, September 29th, 2018.

And I'm happy to say that Doug Loves Movies will be back here at ACC on Saturday, November 17th at 420. Yeah. Normally I do like a stand-up show or Doug Loves Mov movies the night before Thanksgiving,

but this year some things have shifted and I need to travel around that time, so I thought I'll come in the Saturday before then. And my friend Todd Glass is headlining that weekend, so I'm going to try to coerce him into being a guest on the show. Yeah, even though he doesn't know shit about shit. And you know what else would make me happy right now is to see some name tags. I have a good feeling about...

Wow, it's interesting. Did most of you come on a bus or something? Because these are the smallest name tags I've ever seen right there's a lot of them but none of you are like but what about this huge name tag nope they're all just reasonably sized there's barely there's none even the size of a movie poster they're all smaller okay of course that makes me harder for me to read some of them. Avengers Infinity War. Good job, Steve.

Here's one with Jacob Seroff that's some sort of Star Wars prequel thing. I'd rather not get into it. Marzak attacks. Yeah, Marzak attacks., Marzak attacks Good job, Zach Smokey Andy Bandit Because your name is Andy That's very nice

And what a loving tribute To the late, great Burt Reynolds To replace his face with mine There's never been a better time for that there's never been a better time for that great job Andy I really hope yours gets picked Johnstone instead of Tombstone and there's a little item taped to it

that whichever guest picks it will get to enjoy maybe with you out on the sidewalk after. I'm not going to be on the sidewalk immediately after. I know sometimes I make everybody wait, and it sucks. I shouldn't do that. But today I have to... I might be...

It won't be 15 minutes, but however long it takes me to get kicked out of HQ Trivia. Because that's on my phone at, that'll be at six o'clock. Maybe it's at seven here. Shit, you're right, it's six. Wishful thinking. I've been traveling.

Forgot I was in my home time zone. All right, so here's what I brought for the prize bag. I got a, where the's what I brought for the prize bag. I got a... Where the hell did I get this? I got this at Fantastic Fest. Lots of crazy things to have there. This is a fanny pack. It's a pink one. And it's a small one, so it's really...

I think it's a practical fanny pack for like a lady jogging or something. And it says Cam Girl Clubhouse on it. And pack for like a lady jogging or something. It says Camgirl Clubhouse on it. Yeah, so I don't need that. I don't need that

in my life. Am I jumping around all over the place here? Did I skip Doug Pluggs? I think I did. But thank you for bringing all those name tags. Oh, one more thing that makes me happy. So many things make me happy about being here and doing this show. But you guys know what happens here. It's a magical thing.

The logo for the American Comedy Company. Eddie the Eagle. How you doing, buddy? Caw-caw! Hi, Doug! Welcome to the David J. Miller stage! Wait, that's the name of... This stage has a name?

It was dedicated March 1st, 2012. And you know it's good, because it was pre-Trump. And who's the guy it was pre-Trump. And who's the guy he was dedicated to? Is he living or dead? Let's not make it a downer. But what did he do to get the dedication?

I said he could have it. Hey, you were in charge of that? He's the only man that ever talked to me before you, Doug. If you're lucky, I'll dedicate a brick to you. Caw-caw! There's... Wait, the whole stage is dedicated to that guy, and I get one of these thousands of bricks? All right, let's make it four. Okay.

Well, thank you very much. It's great to be back here with you. You were kind enough to be on the phone when we were in San Jose. Yep. I really appreciate it. God bless that guy's soul. Yeah, and you know, hopefully we'll get you on the phone

as we travel from city to city. I know you're stuck here. There's no way for you to leave this. I know, dog. I'm just a sign of patriotism back when that shit really fucking mattered. Caw-caw! You know what I say?

Behind every great comic, shitty comic, and open mic-er is Eddie the Eagle. Caw-caw! You stumbled around on that one, didn't you, Eddie? Eddie? Eddie? Oh, there you are. No, I just lost track of where your spot is there.

But of course, you're in the same spot all the time. I don't move at all. You just sound so lifelike that I'm always looking around the room. I just feel like there's nothing made me happier than to see you fly. Well, they clipped me. Alright, Doug plugs. Any of these cities could be a place where Eddie will show up

via technology. Next Saturday, October 6th, Douglas Movies is coming for the first time to my favorite hole in the ground, the Reno Tahoe Comedy Club at Pioneer Center in downtown Reno, Nevada. It is quite literally, there's like a

kiosk looking kind of thing, or almost like a subway entry thing, and then you just go down under the ground and there's a whole club down there and we're going to do Douglas movies and I don't know how that's going to go

Philadelphia DLM returns to the helium on Wednesday October 10th hashtag gas and I'm doing two shows in DC the Washington DC at the improv Wednesday, October 10th, hashtag gas. And I'm doing two shows in D.C., the Washington, D.C., at the Improv. And everybody there seems like they're starving for some non-political comedy.

How do you feel about that, Eddie? You're always on stage here. At night after night, you're seeing all the comedians from behind, and you're hearing what they have to say is comedy getting too political? No! You gotta say what's on your mind just as long as it's funny

Well that's interesting you should say that because I think that eagles should be extinct Make it three bricks Ha ha ha ha Ha ha make it three bricks. In D.C., I'm going to be doing stand-up on Thursday, October 11th, and then Douglas Movies on Sunday afternoon, October 14th, before I see the first performance ever

of the Destined for Broadway movie adaptation musical version of Iron Eagle. Beetlejuice. That's one time. My friend Alex Brightman who's been on this show a few times

he is playing Beetlejuice, the lead. That's two. I think he's going to... What are you counting? You've said his name twice. Watch it. Boy, I can't say his name anymore. Oh, now I get it.

Well, shit. If I say it another time, he'll just show up right now? I don't know. What's the space between each time? I don't even know. Oh, that's right. What if you said Beetlejuice three times over? That's three right there! For all of my

tour dates and deets and links go to Douglovesmovies.com That's Douglovesmovies.com Yeah! We did it! They do it every show, buddy. Hell yeah! They do it every show.

It's a dedicated crowd. Everybody knows their part. It's always funny, because there are some people that'll wander into a Douglas movies. They were brought in by a friend that listens to it, but they don't listen to it. Or they just because they thought you know that i'd be doing some stand-up but you know we get some jokes in here from time to time but uh it's really fun in that beginning part when everybody's supposed to go this is douglas movies because you just know

who's just not at all aware that that's about to happen. But they hear a rise in the crowd like, we're supposed to make noise right now. So they'll just be around like, I brought a Douglas Movies sticker, an Accidental Comedy Fest sticker, a Douglas Movies t-shirt. I was just in Austin

for Fantastic Fest and had a wonderful time. While I was there I got, there's this thing called Celebrate Austin Visitor's Guide. And Willie Nelson's on the cover and his signature is also on

the cover. It says Willie Nelson on the cover. Because I wrote it on there. But you know what I mean? Coffee table this shit. Get some conversations started. About the great Willie Nelson. And oh wait, one more thing from Fantastic Fest.

A little cool badge of some sort of Korean soldier or some shit. All of that, one person's very excited. All of that, plus the stuff brought by my three hilarious guests, please give the big San Diego welcome to Shane Torres, Dan Van Kirk, and Sean Jordan. Thank you. and Sean Jordan.

Oh, my. Okay. Let's say hi to them individually, starting with... And thank you all for being men right off the top you're great at it we're all great at it really proud to be one

but let's start with the gentleman who is here from the east coast headlining this weekend standing in front of Eddie doing his jokes at the American Comedy Company. It's Shane Torres, everybody. Hello.

How are you? Thanks for having me, man. Well, thanks for being here. I mean, it's great to have somebody on that, you know, I just sort of stumbled into it. I wanted to come down here this weekend. I saw that you were headlining and I tracked you down and asked you to do this, but you've actually

listened to the show. Yeah, several times. That's always exciting when somebody's done that. Yeah, this is it. I'm done after this. Because people... Because most comics don't do that. Especially the ones with podcasts. Don't listen to the other ones. Well, I don't do that. They don't, especially the ones with podcasts, don't listen to the other ones.

Well, I don't have a podcast. I'm the last one. My podcast will be about not having one. Oh, interesting. Is it already ongoing? There's some things. Are you already not having a podcast? I'm talking to all things comedy.

Oh, are you really? No. Oh, man. If you need some help with that, I know those guys No. Oh, man. If you need some help with that, I know those guys. I'd appreciate it. Yeah, I knew Bill Burr before he played The Forum. What the shit was that? Burt Kreischer retweeted it with just like, what the fuck?

Just footage of Bill Burr saying goodnight to The Forum. Hey, thanks for coming, everybody. Good night. Yeah, thanks for coming out, guys. You're all fucking assholes. Go Pats. You fucking waste your money on this fucking shit? You fucking come out here, oh, I don't have money to pay the fucking bills. I go see fucking Bill

Porter. What the fuck's wrong with you? Bill, Bill, Bill. Jeez, and Rice. You're just, Dan, you're just making everybody miss Mark Wahlberg when you do that. They're different. Yeah, one of them yells and whispers, the other one yells.

I have no idea which one is which, to be honest. That's fair. Soup's fair. But thank you for doing this, Shane. Let's say hi to Sean Jordan, everybody. Rattlesnake!

Goddamn, did you just say Rattlesnake? I tried to give myself a nickname when I was about 20, and it was the Rattlesnake. And nobody let that ride, so I nicknamed my car the Rattlesnake. That's the kind of guy I am. You're also the guy that just talks when I'm trying to put your credits out there.

Trying to tell people about you. You'd rather spend time on Snake Man. It's actually Rattlesnake, but what were you going to say? Wait, it's still a snake though, right? Yeah, it is. Okay, so then actually isn't really what you meant. Because it's still a snake. Or Showtime.

You can call me Showtime if you want. Really? Yeah. Yeah, go for it. Can we all start doing that? No. Make that his first credit. Yeah, I think that's's gonna be your hook now

you come out on stage and you ask the audience what time is it and they all scream showtime please please you should do that when you think you have the right answer in a game say hey everybody what time is it they all scream showtime and then you fucking

nail it. Sure. Sean Jordan, I'm telling you right now the next time I bring you up on stage no matter where we are I'm introducing you to a crowd

that has no context. Welcome to the stage. Showtime. Sean Jordan. I'm sure they're gonna know by then. Okay. Everyone's gonna know.

I do like the sound of showtime, Sean. God, I could oh, I'm gonna have to start boxing if that happens. Huh? Fucking lights and out right here. You know what I mean? For everybody listening, it was my fists that I was doing.

Lights and out. Well, anyway, he's got a podcast. Also joining us today... Am I the only one without a podcast? And another... Yeah, for sure. I'll think of something. That's why you're my favorite comic I've seen in a while

because I'm tired of everybody else having one now. It's too much competition. But also fun to say is DVK! Hey, Dan Van Kirk is here. What's going on? You look good? You feel good? I do, man. It is important to look good and make sure that you

also feel good. Yeah, so you're doing all of that? I'm trying to, yeah. I'll live by that till I die. Which will be a long ways away because you look really good. Nope, I got about three days. It's not that big of a commitment, actually. I definitely, if I found out I was dying in a few days, I'd do some podcasts.

Really? For sure. It'd be nice to just go out and do a few and just have some last words. It works out a lot that I'm home around my birthday and every time to this day that my mom takes my picture on my birthday I go, will you use this in the commercial where it says was killed

a week later by a drunk driver? And then I go like this. Felicia at home, I took my shirt off. Does she know you're the drunk driver? What's that? Does she know you're the drunk driver? That would be, what if the commercial

was killed a week later by a drunk driver himself? But we're still on Doug's show. Feel free to be hilarious. I don't mind. Thank you. You guys stop joking around and entertaining this crowd. I've got some serious questions.

Yes. Of both personal and trivial natures. But also, we've got to find out what you guys brought for the prize bag. Let's start with you, Dan. Okay. What do you got for us? I feel like it's good to start with you because whatever it is is just in your pocket. Yep.

I have a $25 gift certificate to Coin-Op Barcade right across the street. It's catty corner from here. But it's not one of those intersections where you can cross that way. No. So be careful, drunks.

An own risk situation. So I hope someone uses it on either pinball or they have a great little baseball game there, which is super fun. They got the shooty hoops. You can play the shooty hoops. A little pop a shot action. Yeah, yeah. They also have Capri Suns with booze in them. Oh, I know.

That shit, I got fucked up on those last night. Do you think they started with that idea, then opened a bar? Someone's just like, dude, they should be liquor in these Capri Suns. Well, let's start a bar. I want to be what my dad was at my soccer practice. Yes, exactly. I feel so bad. My dad could never cook.

Well, I didn't personally actually have a dad, but for the sake of this joke. Sean and I don't have any either. Oh, really? Is your dad dead? To me. Okay. Well, then mine died twice. Guys, guys, stop being funny.

Jesus. Trying to run a podcast here. Goddamn jokes. I need to learn how this podcast here. Goddamn jokes. I need to learn how this is done. Goddamn jokes. Jokes all the time. Every five-year-old should look at their mom and go, can Magnum P.I. be my dad?

Then she said on an exhale, not with this body. I'm just joking. I just told you to knock it off. I'm sorry. What do you have for the prize, Meg Shane? I brought a copy of my album, Established 1981, and there's some poster art with it.

That's a weird-looking album that you're holding right there. It's a download thingy, and it's taped to a poster. The poster art. So if you want it, the New York Times called it a good try. And I... Now, have you been... Did you just think of that? No, that was in the pocket.

Guys, knock it off. Don't fucking tell me what to do. Yeah, that's a rattlesnake right there. Don't talk to him. And don't talk to Dan like he's your dead dad. It's no showtime for you and your dad. It was that long before he died. Every other weekend was no showtime.

But I got you your own bedroom in the apartment. Granted, it smells like cigs because I smoke cigs in the apartment, but that's neither here nor there. Don't tell the judge. I'll be dead in five years. Yeah. At some point during the show, these guys are going to start arguing about the color of this man's hair.

No need. It's fuchsia. No, see what I mean? You already have a strong opinion about it. Clearly, it's break light red. I'd say it's more of a mauve situation. Mauve? Mauve is just your go-to funny color because it's not mauve at all.

Wait, what did you say? Motherfucker. See, he says it's fuchsia. Let's move on. Okay. Thank goodness. Got that out of the way. Don't get me started

about this sockless guy in the front row. Hey, Doug, what's up with that sockless dude? Oh, man. His tennis shoes say Star Wars. And he has no socks. Oh, they're tucked in tiny socks.

Tucked in tiny socks. Just so you know, there's more than one person without socks on in the front row. That's a good socks! Just so you know, there's more than one person without socks on in the front row. That's a good point, but you know, that's what you gotta do when you have sandals on. That'd be cool to see like a Shakespeare, see like Julius Caesar or something, and they're all wearing sandals with socks. With like an Adidas logo on the side. Yeah, everything else is regular

Right They just set it in Boca Raton We got our costume designers Works at Big Lots So we got Shit half off Would that be the slides of March I'm sorry guys

I'm sorry to interrupt Yeah I'm sorry to interrupt But Yeah, I'm sorry to interrupt, but do you know what time it is? Showtime, what'd you bring for the prize pay? Man, I just made my dick move a little bit. That was tight. I felt my mouth throw up a little bit.

I brought, so some friends in Portland, Randall Lawrence and Carolyn Main, they made a card game. It's called Pitch Please, and you, the loose premise of the card game is that you pick five cards, and then you lay them out, and then you pitch a movie based on what's on the card. So it's like,

one of them will be like a detective or something. The other one's gonna be like romantic or something like that. I don't know. Got real quiet, because I don't know exactly what the game is. Hey, Sean. Tell us about the rest of your prizes while I look at the... Give me those cards. I didn't hear a please.

While I put these in the garbage, tell us what else you brought. I got a $15 iTunes gift card so you can watch a scary movie. Do me a favor and watch a scary movie with it because I love Halloween. So I bought these little Halloween booties so you can watch a scary movie. Do me a favor and watch a scary movie with it because I love Halloween. So I bought these little Halloween booties that you can wear while you're watching a scary movie.

And they're only three bucks, so go get yourself some even if you don't win. They're anywhere but CVS. And then I got these Sour Patch Kids that are big. They're two times the size of normal Sour Patch Kids. So they're like little cheeseburgers, little sour cheeseburgers.

So yeah, that's what I got for the prize bag. Shane, if you would pass that down, please. Yeah, pass it on over here. Dan, do you think you can get the final stage of opening this package? You've been hoping it the whole time. The final stage looked really easy. You know, I want to get it done quickly.

You know, Dan's a get it done kind of guy. Book an A, man. That could be your catchphrase. Just in between jokes, go, get it done! Oh, yeah. I need a button for a lot of my punchlines. Nope. Okay.

Well, you didn't say get it done. I know. I was hoping they would give it to me. All right, Dan, I'm going to give you five of these, and then you tell us the plot of the movie with these five things. Shit! This might be...

Is this an unofficial Douglas Movies game? You know, it's their game. I just want to see if it works. Okay. I already hate it, because the first card says brain jail. Okay. Brain jail. Then we've got butt beach

I had to have explained it wrong that can't be oh comically mismatched partners okay so buddy thing conspiracy or is it? I bet you're supposed to pick one

And pitch a movie based on that No, no Because they're not detailed enough When you put them together like this It's pretty clever Horror, documentary, thriller, experimental Romance, sci-fi, fantasy And it says genre

So would I get to pick one? Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah, pick one. The entirety of film is the genre. Okay. Alright. Give it to us. Well, Nathan Lane

and Kevin Hart are working together at Area 51. They can't tell anyone what they do so they end up devising a way to talk to each other and tell each other everything they do and share their deepest darkest secret. It actually ends up becoming a

romance, a very forward thinking progressive romance. They then, in their we'll call it a brain jail end up as two gay men. Wait, are they in a brain jail or are they not in a brain jail? Right. That's the conspiracy.

Well, they're already in Area 51. Everything's a conspiracy. But they get locked inside a brain jail, which they originally think. Are you sure they're in a brain jail? I know, which they originally think is a paradise for two beautiful gay men because in their brain jail, what they don't know it's a jail,

because it's called... Butt Beach. Someone out there just goes, butt. I still don't see how they're comically mismatched partners. I know. So there you go. So people can play that game with their friends. Can I tell you guys?

That is how you get it done! Jesus Christ. For those who are at home, I fucking shimmied. What do you think of that, Eddie? That's crazy. That's pretty dope. I'd go see that movie.

So this game is called Pitch Please, which is like one of the various names we were thinking about calling the show I did for a while called Pitch Off. And so I'm glad somebody got this out there because I think they thought Pitch Please sounded too something.

But it says it's by Carolyn Mayne on it. Yeah. Carolyn Mayne and Randall Lawrence, I believe. Could be wrong. I'm wrong about a lot of things. Yeah. But seek it out if you thought that sounded like fun. It does sound fun. And then hire Dan to come to your home and do it.

100%. Very cheap, reasonable rates. All that stuff's going in the prize bag, but quickly before we get to the game portion of the show, I've got a question for each of you. I'll start with you, Dan. That is, what was the last movie you saw? Man, this is the first time I've ever not been prepared for that. The last movie that I saw was...

You really don't know? I really don't know. Can I come back to me, please? I mean, don't make fun of him, Sean. Oh, no, that was a serious question. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I'm not doing a bit. Because people, you know, it's like, what did you have for breakfast this morning, Sean. Oh, no, that was a serious question. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I'm not doing a bit.

Because people, you know, it's like, what did you have for breakfast this morning, Sean? Liquor. Now that's some showtime shit right there. At the crack of one. Showtime. Showtime. Peeled my ass off the floor the extended stay about 1 p.m. and had some liquor for breakfast.

But, you know, some people don't remember stuff like that. Some people aren't as sharp as a fucking pool ball like I am. That was a Pat Jordan specialty right there. I mean, maybe you remember it because it's an unusual breakfast. I would like to say it's unusual. Or, yeah, if it was every day,

that's why you remember. That'd be bad. But what were we talking about? Oh, did you think of it, Dan? We gave Dan a bunch of time. No, I really didn't. All right, we'll go to Shane. We'll come back to you. Shane, what was the last movie you saw?

I watched Won't You Be My Neighbor on the flight out. The Mr. Rogers documentary. Did you get kind of sad? Did you cry a little bit? I got very sad. Some people around you, were they concerned? That they thought you might be psychic or something? Just sobbing in your seat

about the impending crash that's about to happen? Jesus! That's what I do. When I sit down, I tell everybody, I'm a psychic. If you see me crying. If you see me...

I didn't... I watched that movie. If I look sad, so, you know. If you see me crying. If you see me. I didn't, well, I watched that movie. If I look sad at all, you better, you know, make some final phone calls or emails. I don't see any babies on this flight to make you feel better about it, not crash. Yeah, I watched that, and then I watched the Kavanaugh hearing, so I got really sad. So you saw a farce? I did, I did, I did. And I watched Deadpool, too. You heard a different question,

because I heard the last movie you saw, and you heard the last two movies and situation that you watched. All right, Showtime. Fangs down, rattlesnake. Please stop calling me Showtime already. The situation that he watched. You mean Jersey Shore? We were in Houston at UFC one time

and the situation sat like two rows in front of us. Yeah, that was weird how excited you were. What a weird life. Charles Barkley sat behind us So no big deal He's tall He's a basketball player Did we get to meet him Or were we too far away?

We didn't get to meet him He walked right past us With your girl Snooki My girl? Yeah, your girl Okay What was the last movie You saw, Sean?

Showtime? Please stop with all that. I watched Friday Night Lights because I knew I was going to be on the show with Shane. And that is... Our favorite movie. Probably our favorite movie. Really?

Oh, it's the greatest movie in the history of mankind, dude. Yeah, yeah. Greatest movie and greatest TV show. Only thing to ever do that. Well, you guys know that you share that? That you both think it's your favorite movie? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You think Friday Night Lights' greatest movie TV show combo,

like above Fargo? Yeah. Oh, your dad should have stuck around and taught you a few things. Hey, Dan, I'm not the one that broke eye contact. You want to keep talking about it? Let's keep talking about it, my friend. Just because your dad

never taught you to throw a football. My dad taught me to run. Away from your goddamn feelings. You bring up a very valid point. You're right. I hadn't really thought about it. The Fargo is also an amazing version of that.

It's a good race. It's a good race But for me personally, Friday Night Lights is the best. But they're just saying they have a shared love of it, Dan. Something's better. It doesn't mean they turn around and with somebody else have a shared love of the same thing. I know. Just when I feel left out, I attack. That's all right. Don't worry.

You'll get it. I'll divide things even further. That's alright. Don't worry, you'll get it. I'll divide things even further. I'll go as far to say that the movie was just okay and that the TV series was amazing. Fucking no. I thought you were going to go.

Well, I think you're going to have to go and find two more podcast guests. I've been wanting to do this for years. Am I the only person that thought Doug was going to throw a whole new wrench in the system and say, Bewitched? Why would I say that? I don't know, just for fun. Baywatch, huh?

Whoa. Now I'm just trying to think of movies and TV shows. Okay, you don't have to do that. Anyway, Friday Night Lights. Adam's family. I thought of it. I remembered what I saw. What do you mean?

The last movie. Oh, it finally came back to you? Yeah, yeah, yes, yes. Okay. See, it happens to people who don't even smoke weed. Good fellas. What was it? Good fellas.

What did you watch? Sound like AMC? No, HBO. Hotel room. Oh, that's nice. I've been on tour lately. Yeah, and they had it on late at night. And I love that movie.

It's damn near perfect. That's that Robert De Niro movie, right? Yeah, he's had it on late at night and I love that movie. It's damn near perfect. That's that Robert De Niro movie, right? Yeah, he's in it. He's in it? Mm-hmm. Yep. Raymond Leota? Raymond?

Would you say that to his face? And Joseph Pechichuva. Not ever since I saw that fucking Chantix commercial. Would you make fun of the Chantix commercial to Ray Leta's face? He's all fucking huge.

Normally I'm the tough guy in movies. Like, no shit, Raymond, you are. I think I met him once and I think he was nice. Oh, I bet he was. But if you made fun of him, I could just see him smiling and nodding while looking at you for a while. And you turn around and just fucking... He's like, let me get you a drink and hit you with a bottle. You know what you fucking did?

You fucking killed us. Why would you do that? He was a complete psycho in the first time we really saw him, Jonathan Demme's Something Wild, and he had this crazy laugh where he'd go, hee hee hee hee hee hee hee and he just looked so fucking scary when he did it, and then

a year or two later, Field of Dreams came out and his character's supposed to be sweet and this lovely baseball ghost. Baseball ghost. But at one point he laughs and it's just like, hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. He also does that

in the scene in Goodfellas where Joe Pesci beats up the guy in the tiki bar. This fucking guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You really are a funny guy. Might fold under questioning. Yeah, he doesn't have a good...

He's got a resting, insane laugh. He's fucking crazy. He freaks me out. I don't like him. All right, well, that was a great segment. Fuck Ray Liotta. Be careful. Why?

What's he going to do? Seriously, Ray Liotta and Narc's going to come get you. That big goatee, Ray Liotta. Is that what he had? Yeah, yeah. God, Ray Liotta and Narc's going to come get you. That big goatee. Yeah. God, he was terrifying. I hope last man standing is Ray Liotta. Because I've got three right now. Who are people mad at because he supposedly looked at his phone during a live show?

Will.i.am. Will.i.am. Yeah, people were all pissed off at him because he got a text or a call or something and he looked at it during a show. Waley Oded or Will.i.am? And it just reminded me of that because I just got a text and I'm going to look at it. Read it.

It's from a friend of mine asking me to do a thing. Yeah, my mom. A friend of mine. She's my best friend. She's my best friend. She's my best friend that I don't have sex with. Good, man. No matter how you say that, it doesn't feel right.

No, it felt awful and also very exciting. I do not have sex with my mother. The whole left side of my body just went numb. Don't talk like that. Hey, heads up, everybody. Newsflash. FYI. I've never had sex with my mother.

That's awesome. Can we get more bread? You know how some of your friends have sex with their mom and some of them don't. Could you stay friends with that person? If you found out. My best friend is adopted, so maybe. Cheers.

No. The answer is no. The answer is a hard no. You haven't seen his mom. The answer is a rock hard no. A nine inch rock hard no. A rock hard no. I think it was a rock hard yes.

He probably would say it was a rock hard yes. I do say, he probably would say it's show time right before. Don't talk about me like I'm not here. It's show time. Show time. People better not start calling you that.

I'll be so mad. Please, please call me that. Can GIFs or memes, can they make noises? No. What? Take me from regular motor to that. I had a good idea.

Okay, so let's assume the answer is yes. Let's hear this idea. Okay, like every meme about Kavanaugh and all the things that are going on, the sound should be the very last note, the very last word, the very last word in the Two and a Half Men theme song when they go,

men. That's good. Took me on a long walk, Grant. I could circle the block a few more times. That was funny. Took me on a long walk. Man.

My dad kept calendars. I don't know. I just fucking hate him. Who was that? That was Kavanaugh just talking about his dad and his fucking calendar. Oh, yeah, yeah. That and a solid daytime Coke problem. Like, just...

He literally said, I'm here to talk about my yearbook and sports. He looks like the kind of dude who kept his rollerblades. Yeah. Like, he's gonna be, this is coming back.

And guess what? I got cones, so it's fine. I'm a luge rollerblader. I could not have done this. I was busy with activities. I'm good at exercising. Fuck him. Listen, I like beer.

I can't believe that somebody's trying to get that job. Has to defend his love of beer, I like beer. I can't believe that somebody has to defend his love of beer. Because I like beer. I've had many beers. Never to the point of blacking out. Fuck you. That's exactly what you just... That's all I heard. He also likes to say,

I don't remember what happened. Why not? Oh, because I wasn't blacked out. I just don't remember. Fuck it, yeah. I don't remember. Yeah, and beer has never caused anything bad to happen. Yeah, no shit. You remember. Fuck it, yeah. I don't remember. Yeah, and beer has never caused anything bad to happen. Yeah, no shit. You can't black out off beer.

You just get full and go to sleep. I've had 19 pilsners. I'm gonna go to bed because I'm full. I remember every close second. I had eight loaves of bread, basically. He's like, listen, I was tired. I thought she was a bed.

You want another direct quote from that? Another direct quote? You want to talk about flatulence? I'm game. He said that. Why? I swear to God. Who brought it up in the first place? He said you want to talk about flatulence? I'm game.

Yes, another thing is that Will Squee had a bit of a wind up when he used the F word. The fuck are you talking about? Flagellants. This is like my... I can't believe it. It is, really. It's going to be a hilarious play.

God, the end is near, everybody. Yeah, Friday Night Lights. It's good, you know. Yeah. Clear eyes, full hearts. All right. Not as good as Doug gets, but I'll take it. It's my first time on the show.

Got a Riggins and a Billingsley. Wait, what was it at the end? Try it again. Clear eyes, full hearts. Can't lose. I thought... I swear to you, I thought they said clear heart. What's it called again?

Clear eyes, full hearts. Clear eyes, full hearts, hang loose. That's how they do it in San Diego. We are in San Diego, bro. That's how we say it in San Diego. All right, turn it off, Bert. Let the games begin!

Yeah! We got games right here in River City. Gentlemen, pick some name tags. Showtime needs to pick a name tag. Wow, he's already got a name tag. All right.

We'll be right back after these messages. Hey, no ads this episode, so I'd just like to take a moment to remind all my Los Angeles friends and those who plan on visiting Los Angeles sometime in the next couple months that we're doing Doug Loves Movies at the UCB Theater pretty much every other Tuesday in October. We're doing one on the 2nd, 16th, and 30th. And then, of course, coming up in December on the 2nd and 3rd at Largo on La Cienega, it's the 12 Guests West Coast edition

of Doug Loves Moviesies, 12 guests of Christmas. Those shows are both at 8 o'clock. Tickets are on sale now. Back to the show. Aw, shit. All right, we're back. That was very civilized. Can I order another drink?

Very nice process. Yeah, can I get another cocktail? Yeah, what would you guys like to drink? Jameson on the rocks, please. A Jack Daniels with Coca-Cola. Sure. And I'll do Jameson on the rocks, too, please. Dan didn't say on the rocks,

so just give him Jameson and Coke with no ice and see how he does. I'm a farm kid from Northern Illinois. That won't be a hurdle. It would be a hurdle. We're going to start. Oh, we got to find out who you're playing for. Who are you playing on behalf of, Daniel?

I am playing for a person who picked my favorite movie of all time. And it is Dan by Me. That's your favorite movie of all time, huh? Yes, it is. I thought Dan by Me was a documentary. You know, another secret I'll reveal. For years doing this show to you back when I lied about who I was, and now more recently, I would always say off the record, if anyone has a Stand By Me poster, you're getting picked immediately.

And that's what happened today for the first time. This guy, who is it? Dan? Either Dan or me. Where is me? Where is he? Right back here. Hey. Way to go, dude. You made my heart happy today. That's not a joke.

Well, that's sweet. All right. Kind of looks like you're on there twice. I know. I thought that too, sweet. All right. Yeah. Kind of looks like you're on there twice. I know. I thought that too, right? Mm-hmm. All right. That was just for us, Doug.

Shane, I knew no one else was excited about it. I was excited about it. What do you have, Shane? I have... Oh, we have drinks. Oh, shit. Let's pass these around. Yeah, shut the fuck up, Shane.

Did two of you get the same thing? Yes, we did. Okay. Yeah, but I'm going to drink them both because I'm a fucking bully. Do you guys like get the same thing? Yes, we did. Okay. Yeah, but I'm going to drink them both. Do you guys like all the same things? You're on fire, Rattletime. Yeah, we do. Actually, we're going to come out as a comedy tag team.

Rattletime, he said. Yep. Oh, Christ. A couple people. That's all we need. I have the Avengers poster playing for Infinite Steve War. Oh, okay. It's a bit of a stretch.

Saw him earlier. But it's a good poster. He got a lot of faces of me. Yeah, he did. There's a ton. Infinity? Yeah. There's me and Sean and Doug and then, I don't know, Don Cheadle. That's me, actually. And Guy O and other folks, yeah.

And then one of the Chris's, Evans. I think that's who that is. Yeah. Yeah. He's actually been on the show. Cheetle, not so much. Chris Evans has? That's fucking awesome.

Oh, that's cool. I didn't know that. That's awesome. He got shit faced. It was hilarious. Yeah. He told Leonard Maltin to name it, bitch.

What do you think the difference is between us and him when he gets shit faced? Not a lot. I bet we're about the same. We're probably nicer and less rich. I bet when people call him Showtime

that he means it. He's just like, you're goddamn right. We're also not standing there with a shield. That probably makes people keep their distance. That's a very good point. I do have a shield quite a bit when I get drunk. That's all you need. One.

You just need one left. Sean will work none. Let us know when that happens, Sean. Who are you playing for? I'm playing for Aaron Eagle. Look at all that candy on there. I was. That's why I picked it.

And we were just talking about Iron Eagle. Hell yeah, we were. Eddie, you seen this movie? Fuck yeah, dude. I've seen it ten times today. What's your other favorite Lou Gossett Jr. movie? Glory. What about the first Punisher movie?

He was in that? Yeah. Alright, I'll check it out. How do you watch movies when you're just stuck here in the comedy club? Do people just come by and show them to you? Nah, I beg Michael to bring one over and wheel it in front of me and hold the TV till it's done.

Who's Michael? He's a guy here going through a breakup. What through a breakup. What, uh, what was, what did they break, why'd they break up? Oh, because he doesn't let people on the inside. It's a self-destructive mechanism where

he keeps them at arm's distance, then doesn't trust them because they're at arm's distance, and they break up again. I've told him so many times. He talks to you because you've also kept relationship at a wings distance, yeah? Yeah, man. I'm a good damn listener.

Anyway, Aaron Eagle. Can I tell you a secret? Yeah, please. I hope he kills himself. He's here. Get it done. No, come on, guys. Come on. All right.

Holy buckets, huh? We're going to play a game called Purple Rain Man. Yes. A little side note real quick. I got some donuts, too. So there's donuts. First one of you that can I got some donuts, too. So there's donuts. First one of you that can just say, oh, thanks.

The first, all the words to this mashup movie title wins this game. I'll start with the third build, people. And I say them in the order that the title of their movie appears in the mashup. Shane, you know how? I am. Yeah, I can try. I think he's got it. I'll try hard. Yeah.

All right. Third build. And this is, of course, just a gentlemen on stage get to guess. Only men get to guess. Gentlemen on stage. Men. Yeah. Men. That's how you do it. Sorry. I need a pitch, Mike.

Men. Yeah, yours is a little different. I'm sure I'm not doing it right, but I'm definitely sure you're not doing it right. Man. Cabreros. Hi, man. Hey.

Man. Man. Purple Rain Man. Hey, man. Third build are Anna Kendrick and Rob Schneider. Yeah, chew on that for a second. No guesses. Second build would be Seth Rogen and Drew Barrymore. Someone just spit up there. 50-50 first dates.

What did you say? 50-50 first dates. Say it one more time. 50-50 first dates. Yes, that's right. Get it done. And that is how you get it done. Now, with just three easy payments of $49.95.

You accidentally dropped the mic like a dickhead after you did that. That was crazy. Put accidentally in quotes. Oh, Christ. That was great. That was really good. You got to take the victories when you get them, man. I know.

Yeah, I like mic dropping. It makes you a dickhead if you mic a drop? No, Dan and them, man. I know. Yeah, I like mic dropping. It makes you a dickhead if you mic a drop. No, Dan and I are friends. I was kidding. Are we? We used to be. We used to be. We are. I love you. Alright. Fuck Shane, though, right?

Okay. Alright. We'll see. There's two types of people in the world. There's the Kavanaugh's and the Kavanaught's. What am I I can say we all firmly stand with one of those Yeah the Knauts I'm a Knot? Yes we're the Knauts

Okay That's dangerously close to another bad group The Knauts He's a Knot He's a Knot See he's a Knot See he's a Knot No no no no no, no, no.

Uh-uh. Holy crap. Let's play ABCD's Nuts. Shane, guess what that is before we play it. ABCD's Nuts. I know that you know what it is. I don't know what it is. Yeah, you do. You might have to tell know what it is. I don't know what it is. Yeah, you do.

You might have to tell me what it is. You might find it familiar if you've heard some episodes of the show. I'll talk you through it. Please. It's a, you know, I call it a spelling game. We're going to take some words. Everybody gets a letter from those words in order. When it gets to you, you just have to name a movie that begins with that letter.

Okay. But there's also a theme or themes could emerge. It might guide you to guessing what I wrote down ahead of time. If you match me, you win the game. I feel a match

is going to happen today. I really do. Friday Night Lights. I wish that we were. Friday Night Lights. We're going to spell... Oh, I wish. I wish that we were spelling Friday Night Lights. Man. And that every movie, the answer would be a movie about high school athletics. Do it.

I could name a bunch. I bet you I could fucking crush that. I could name a fucking bunch of those. Okay, F. Friday Night Lights. I don't know why you'd make it that easy. Jesus, Doug. That's like when you watch an old panel of The Tonight Show.

And they're just like, I heard you have a dog. Like Byron Allen, man. You don't like space travel, right? Tell me about that. Please, Earthquake, tell me about how you got two cats and one's fun and the other's not. They would be talking about bowling and be like, so you were in a car accident, right?

It was crazy. Those old interviews. It always sounded to me so funny if you just switched gears into a very serious kind of Tom Snyder. He's like, oh, anyway, so that's very sad about your hamster, but tell me about when your mother passed. He just moved right into it.

Why are you and Dan shutting me out? Because you both have kind of denim on your torso? Because your shirt looks like a rich person's bedspread. This shirt right here that nobody can hear? It's pretty goddamn loud. You just hit two home runs. That's right. I'd walk off if I wasn't contractually obligated

to be here by all things comedy. Thank you guys for making your way here on game day because the Padres are playing the Diamondbacks over at the Petco Park. Over at the Pet, bro. Over at the Pet. They call the stadium the Pet.

I'm still waiting on the final figures, but I think we might have drawn a bigger crowd. I imagine so. Wait, was Randy... So, Randy Johnson used to be called the Rattlesnake, am I an asshole? And there's a different Rattlesnake up here. Dude, Rattle Time.

You're Rattle Time. Rattle Time. You're just like a baby. You're like, it's Rattle Time. That or Show Snake? You can pick one. It's my Show Snake. I like that. You dress up as a baby and you hold a rattle

and you say it's rattle time and people tell you things that annoy them. Well, it sounds like a real hoot. I got two shows tonight and I'm drunk. That's crazy. I don't remember asking. You can get tickets to either. I recommend that you guys't remember asking. Yeah. Huh? You can get tickets to either.

I recommend that you guys go to both. Yeah. Yeah, because you're not going to stop getting drunk. If there's any tickets left. Oh! Boom, boom, boom! There are. Scream, scream, scream!

Wah! There are. But come to the shows. All right, so Dan gets to go first. Okay. And then who was the other person that was kind of saying the right name almost at the same time as Dan but just behind him? Friday night.

Was it one of you? No. No, I don't think so. Because Dan was all alone on that? Yeah. All right. Well, then we'll go to Sean. We'll give you one extra turn to figure out what's going on.

Christ. Yeah, you did, Sean. Shane. All right. to figure out what's going on. Shane. My best friend. Says one of us. You mean the dipshit? I would do anything for Shane. I'll be there the last time you close your eyes.

I guarantee he says that to somebody every night on stage. Don't. Thank you very much. Let's hear it for the waitstaff, everybody. They work very hard. Take care of them. Take care of them.

Take them to your homes. Let them pet your animals. Let them watch your, you know, Give them your Wi-Fi code. Alright. We're going to spell, in honor of our friend here on stage, we're going to spell Eddie the Eagle. Hell yeah, we are! Yeah, we are,

Eddie. That means that, Dan, we start with you. The first letter is E. What do you think I thought of for the movie that begins with the letter E? Earth Girls Are Easy? Oh, that's a terrific guess. I just interrupted it at Fantastic Fest in Austin, Texas.

But that is not what I wrote down. I wrote down Every Witch Way But Loose. Okay. Yeah. All right. I've never heard of that movie. Really? Yeah, not at all. Yeah, I've never heard of that movie Really? Yeah, not at all

I've never heard of that movie is what I said Somebody said what? Yeah, a deaf person in the audience said what And then he repeated it And yes It's an older movie It starred Clint Eastwood And it's him

And a orangutan and a chair. He only talks to an orangutan and a chair. None of this is helping me with the emerging theme. Okay, well I just think I said a really vivid word there that could help you.

Yeah, pull your head out of your ass. Shut the fuck up, Shane. Looks like it's about to be showtime! It's really far up there. It's hard to get out. Barely function right now. Alright, well, here you go, Sean.

What time is it? Showtime! Huh? The first D in Eddie. Dog Day Afternoon? Oh, great guess Afternoon Oh great guess Great Great guess

I said Dunstan Checks In Oh Christ Sounds like about 10 people I see what's happening here but I cannot But then there's a second D So it might be a different movie Sometimes I'll just write the same movie down twice. What do you think?

Dunstan checks in. No, sorry. Duck soup. Next letter is I, Dan. Iron Eagle? That is the correct answer. That is how you get it done. Holy buckets.

Oh, man. Jeff Tate thought he had something. Fuck that, dude. I got to get it done, y'all. I'm thinking about doing a whole hour special where I'll just talk about get it done, y'all. That is how you get it done right there.

Every time they say get it done, I'm transferred to a hotel banquet room in Clearwater, Florida. For one second, you look at everybody. None of these people know what's going on, but they're about to lose money. You make money when your friends make money. You sign them up, they pay for the rest of your life.

It's not a pyramid scheme. But how is that possible? It is possible if you listen to me. Okay, Dan, what do you think the E in Eddie is? What do you think that one is? E in Eddie is... Oh, fuck. I wanted to say...

Eddie, Eddie, do you have a guest? Is it Eddie the Eagle? No, no. To shorten it, it's just Ed. Oh, fuck. What do you think for tea, Eddie? Tea?

Yeah. Um T Yeah That wild cackle Toy Story No The eagle has landed Damn it

H What? Can we all jump in here? Sure The duck? Nope Come on Birds of a feather.

Home Alone Together? No, Shane. That is a redundant title. What is that? Hudson Hawk. Hudson Hawk? Hudson Hawk is right. Eddie didn't say it.

Showtime said it. Showtime's about to get his eyes clawed out. Next E. Walk over to my talent. What's the next E. Sometimes about to get his eyes clawed out. Next E. Walk over to my talons. What's the next E? I'll just tell you. Never get it. Eagle versus shark.

Eagle versus shark. Oh, good one. Then another E. There's so many E's in this. I had so much trouble thinking of animal and bird movies that have E. Eagle Eye Cherry the movie. Oh. If many E's in this. I had so much trouble thinking of animal and bird movies that have E. Eagle Eye Cherry the movie. Oh. If only there was a thing. Ever After?

Hmm? Ever After? No. Sorry, Eddie. It's so fun having you play along. Elephant. Oh. I got the next one. Because it's an animal? Locked and loaded, Doug. What? I got the next one. Because it's an animal? Locked and loaded, Doug. What? I got the next one locked and loaded.

A? Animal House. No. National Lampoon's Animal House. No. Animal Kingdom on PBS this fall. It's the letter A. Ants. Ants. Any which way but loose. Again? The sequel to

Every Which Way But Loose. Damn it. You guys will love the next one. G is for Gus. Oh, okay. The field goal kicking mule. A Disney classic. Field goal kicking mule.

Sounds like my wife. Of course. Of course. My wife. For L, Of course. My wife. For L, I picked Legal Eagles. Oh, yeah, I like that.

You could be making all these up. And what's the final E? Legal Eagles. E for what? What? Whisper it to me, Doug. What? Come on.

Come over here and whisper it to me. You're about to get that fourth brick back. I thought you took it down to two bricks. I heard, oh. I'm going to go with, let me think for a second. I think I got it. I got it. Hold on.

You get to talk every night while I stand behind you. I mean, I whispered it right to you. Just say it. Eagle Eye. That is correct. Yeah! To be fair, that was barely a movie. All right, so...

Whiskey's so good. Dan, Dan. It is. I'll have another one, please. Another Jameson on the Rocks, please. Dan won that one a long time ago. Thanks. It does feel like a long time ago.

Yeah, but it was fun to play it out because I found so many bird movies. I mean. But I had to have a couple orangutans and an elephant. And I don't even think there are any ducks in Duck Soup. Oh. I don't know what we're doing.

There's five E's in that. That's a lot. Did you guys see Eddie the Eagle? No, I'm not. I was kidding. First time for everything. You're an idiot. Eddie, what game do you think we should play to wrap up the show tonight?

I mean, I'd love to do a little Last Man Stanton. That's the one. Last man standing. Caw, caw. Caw, caw. Eddie's choice. I predetermined, preselected an audience member, someone I hope showed up today. I only got one tweet from somebody.

So, yeah, so whatever name they give us, that's going to be the one we use. Somebody else wrote to me on Twitter and said, why don't you do Carl Urban? Get the fuck out. Who the fuck is Carl Urban? We're not doing him, are we?

No, but I still thought it'd be fun for that person who wrote that to me to get to hear that reaction. Yeah. Who is he? Because I tried to tell him nicely that to me to get to hear that reaction. Yeah. Who is he? Because I tried to tell him nicely that I didn't want him to play with Carl Urban. But you guys obviously don't care for that. I was thinking of Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Carl Urban, is he a wrestler?

No, he's the new... He's Keith Urban's dad. This guy's a really good actor, but he's kind of a chameleon. He's different in everything that he's in. Is he in Magic Mike? Can I just tell you who it is? But yes, he is in... No, okay. No, who are we talking about?

Oh yeah, Carl Urban. Friday Night Lights. He's Scotty. I mean, he's not Scotty. He's Bones, the doctor in all of the latest Star Trek movies. Okay, I got one then. And he does a great impression of that guy from the old TV series.

DeForest Kelly. And then he is the more recent Judge Dredd, which I enjoyed very much. He's very good in that. He's like the bald guy in Thor Ragnarok that's kind of helping Cate Blanchett.

That's the same fucking guy? I'm telling you, he's a chameleon. No, he's really good. Really good. Awesome. He's a great actor. I have seen none of those films. Really?

Oh, wow. You need to learn how to live. You've never seen Ragnarok? No, I've never seen Ragnarok. Oh, don't fucking say it like that. Don't talk to me like I'm an asshole. Fuck off. It's very enjoyable.

You'd like it. I can't believe how Sean and Shane were so close until Ragnarok. Yeah. We weren't that close. I'm about to rag his rock. Oh, oh, oh, oh. That makes it sound like I'm going to fuck him. Yeah.

I think that's a good thing. You can rag my rock if you want. Yeah, I will. Yeah. All right. Two shows, 730 and 930. It's going to be off the meat rack. It's going to be a dank time.

It'll be a mess. Hey, do you think either of these fellas can do some guest sets in your shows tonight? I wanted people to, but... Does management frown upon it? I don't know. They don't want the guest set to be better than the headliner, I think. Yeah, well... We're gonna do that? Don't go...

Fuck you. I'd follow you without a tongue. Sean, you are mean. Yeah, he's very mean to me. He's a shitty friend. He's dressing for the snake he wants to be, not the snake he is. You're a nice person. And then he runs a T-Mobile kiosk.

Just standing there barking like, listen, you run out of prepaids on your jitterbug? Get over here. I got half-priced prepaid minutes over here. Come on. Shirt looks like a tablecloth. You don't want half-priced prepaids? Come on. Jitterbug? You two guys should roast battle. Has anybody suggested that to you you I would fucking

kill him I would actually I would probably drop my mic and just beat him to death and you know what it would feel good

yeah Clint Feastwood are we playing the game right now are you calling me Clint Feastwood oh cause I'm oh I'm fat

no no no no I'm fat. No, no, no, I'm fat. I've been sitting here looking all plump for you guys for an hour. Here's your fucking drink, you fucking loser. Now I just keep- Why don't you go peel yourself off the floor of a residence hotel?

It's the extended stay. Yeah. About four clicks north. Now I just keep thinking of roast jokes for both of you. What do you come up with for Sean? For Sean, I would be like, I wish you would lay down on the ground

so we could have a picnic. I would. I'm a nice guy. For Shane, I would say, if you ever need help on the side of the road, you're the only person you'd say no to. See, one of those hurts and one doesn't. It does. I'm a person with feelings.

No, it's okay. It's fine. Sad, sad Leroy friend. It's like more people... It's just weird that more people call you Mark Wahlberg than your actual name. That's true. Oh, that's sad. Dan, you look like somebody

that... Do it! Do it! You look like a cop that approached the criminals on two wheels. You're the cop that comes up like, hey man, I'm cool. I also do drugs, but just tell me if there's any in the car, and then I'll throw you a deal.

Do you know why I waved you over? Yeah, I got waved over by a standing police officer one time. Oh, I'd be like, no! And I actually pulled over. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Your first question was, do I get a ticket for listening to you? Yeah.

What was the offense? I hit some other cop. I would love it if you had driven by and just punched him out of your window. You just got your hand in your window. You just suck your arm out the window and were like, fuck it, pig. Fucking snitching. That's something he'd waste you on. I thought of another good one for you

from me. There's a million of them for Shane. No, no, no. You to me. You'd be like, Dan, I've known you for an hour and a half and I can tell why your dad left. Shane, you suck so bad you need other people to write roast jokes for you.

Sean, you've never been on TV. Your credits are worse than your actual credit score. And that's saying something because you couldn't get approved for socks. So I don't fucking... Fucking start with me. Buck teeth fuck.

Yeah, Sean. You have two nicknames for yourself, but the only one that sticks is sex offender. Don't... That is how you get it done get it done is what they're thinking about this episode of the podcast

get it done is what they tell you during your headlining set now he's been doing those jokes for 12 years they work it's a new act yeah right for the listener at home we'll get back to the show soon for 12 years. They work. It's a new act. Yeah, right.

For the listener at home, we'll get back to the show soon. As soon as Shane gets the fuck out of here. It would be so funny if Doug sounded like Joe Rogan all of a sudden. This roast battle shit. Do you know what people said to me when my hat was blowing down the street? What? Get in, Doug!

What kind of hat did you have? Where is... Oh, I didn't get it as it turns out. It got away. That's why I don't have a hat. It was like a hat with a little press label on the band. Where is Matt underscore Diamond?

Oh, front row friend. How you doing, man? What a guy, man. Are you feeling bad about your name tag not getting chosen? He's won before. Oh, shit. His attitude.

Scaled Everest twice. Shane's never going to be able to say he's won before. Sean, be nice. Oh, we're done? We're done with that? Okay. I thought you guys were supposed to do all the shit talking at the weigh-in.

Oh! Clearly, Sean and I are not in the same weight class. I was like, who will get this joke out first? I couldn't say it. I'm an asshole. You guys are not only not in the same weight class, you're not in the same class class. We look like the number 10 backwards

right now. Well, that would be one. Which I just did. What's the uh for? What? I said uh. I was just being a real asshole for a second. So that's over?

Yeah, yeah. Well, no, I'm going to be a dick to him for the rest of my natural life. It's not going to be long. And when I'm in heaven and he's in hell, I'm still going to throw poop on him. I had no idea. Sean was like, oh, Shane's going to be on the show.

I think I'll come down and be on that one. I had no idea that you was like, oh, Shane's going to be on the show. I think I'll come down and be on that one. I had no idea that you were going to show up here to start all this shit. Yeah, he's like a genuine prick to me. That's a thing he is. He's like, oh, everyone's so wonderful. Here's some Sour Patch Kids. Fuck off. You did that uh thing again.

Yeah, I say uh sometimes. You did that shitty haircut thing again. Looked like Lloyd Christmas' barber got drunk. Is anyone's name tag a mirror? So Shane can stare into it real quick. A mirror? That is a name. You know that feeling when you're at your friend's house

I'm sorry Doug, I know we were staring. And your friend's parents start fighting, and you're like, I think I'm going to... I'll go right now. And they're like, just stay the night. Just stay the night. Right. Hey, come on.

He won't do anything if you stay the night. If you stay the night, he won't hit her. Don't... I'm just encouraging it, because not since Kumail and Marc Maron went at it have I had a good, you know, guests attacking each other scenario. Well, we're not in their weight class either.

But yeah, it's just, you know, as long as we keep it jokes, it's fun. Yeah, it's fun. And it's fascinating when it becomes not jokes. Here's not a joke. Here's something that's not a joke. I love Shane to pieces. That's not a joke.

Here's another not joke. I deny it. If you want to see a lot of not jokes, stick around for the 7.30 and 9.30 show. Every time I follow you, I have to bring a ladder to get out of the hole you dig. For the listener at home, they're going to keep going and Doug's going to play HQ in about

five minutes. What is Last Man Standing? That's where we get a name from the audience of an actor or actress. This gentleman up here in the front row, Matt, reached out to me on Twitter and said, I've got a name for you today. So he's going to say it.

And then would you win that last game too, Dan? Yes, sir. All right. So Dan's going to go first. And then you, Shane. And then Sean. I like to play along in this game. So I'll go.

Just name movies that person was in gotta say the correct title so if it's a sequel or some shit you gotta know what's going on after the colon so if it needed to be like National Lampoons blah blah blah I would need to say the whole full title yeah that one Dan and I have Mark and I have argued about that one

but yeah right we have to yeah oh shit who the hell was that I've argued about that one. Fucking right we have to. Yeah. Oh, shit. Who the hell was that? I'll fucking tell you who it was, kid. Okay, so Matt, what's your suggestion? Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy. I like that very much.

I feel like I've played it recently. I feel like I maybe should recuse myself because I'm really good on Eddie Murphy. But you know what? Let's do it. Okay. Let's, um... Let's, uh...

Let's get it done! Oh, you guys are beautiful. Up the gate, I will go with Beverly Hills Cop. B, C. I mean, B, H. What? C. Oh, B, H, C. I get it.

B, C, H. Got it. Shane. Any movie that's got Eddie Murphy in it. Dream Girls. Wow. It'ss. Wow. It's his best one. Easy. I think it's his only Oscar nomination.

Yeah, it is. What do you know that the Academy doesn't? A fucking lot, dude. The Academy. Sean? Bowfinger. That's a good one. Gotta psych him out real quick.

Let him know I got shit in the bag, too. I'm gonna go with... Hold the mic up. C-T-A. Dan? What? Oh, I'm sorry.

Coming to America. I thought you were saying Chicago Transit Authority. I am going to go with 48 hours. Mm-hmm. Oh, wait. Did you mean 4-8-H-R-S period? Yes. Yes.

Okay, correct. I'll go with another 48 hours. Yeah, you son of a bitch! Sean, showtime. Rattlesnake, Jordan. Please, please. B-H-C-2. Alright, you know what?

What? I'm tired of your insolence. He gets it. Just say it right. You know what? What? I'm tired of your insolence. He gets it. Just say it right. Yeah. I know you're dealing with abbreviations right now. Beverly Hills Cop 2. Yeah, cool.

Wow. Just want to hear it once. You know, it's like... I don't care. Let's keep going. I'm lost. Just like bartenders that ask everybody for IDs just because people are watching on camera

so they just need to see it. I just need to hear the words. I'm back in. Shane? It's you. Oh, it's my turn? Yeah, brother. Oh, shit. I wouldn't know what to say.

What? I mean, I wish right now that I could be trading places with someone. Uh-oh. You fucking asshole. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Scream, scream. Whomp. Norbit.

Oh, shit. Yeah, try using that as a sentence. I wish you had worked that into a sentence. I feel like you were going to say that anyways, no matter what we were doing at this time of the day. You were just going to lean back there. Oh, yeah, 100%. Orbit.

Yeah, 100%. Orbit. Go, Shane. Shut the fuck up. Metro. Ooh, deep cut. Well done. That's a good one.

That's a good one. Sean. Nutty Professor. Really? Interesting. Easy. It's kind of one. That's a good one. Sean? Nutty Professor. Really? Interesting. Easy. It's kind of funny because I just thought of one. What did you think of?

I thought of an Eddie Murphy movie. I sure hope so. I bet you did. Yeah. What time is it, you guys? Show time. Fucking show time. Oh, with Bobby D.

Yeah, that's on me. I'll be bummed about that for like a week and a half. That's definitely on me. I think you just lost your nickname. Shut the fuck up, dude. Yeah, that's your new nickname is shut the fuck up. Damn. Bless you.

Come on, you got this. Yeah, I know. I'm just trying to figure out which one. Put the mic on more Bless you. Come on, you got this. Yeah, I know. I'm just trying to figure out which one. Put the mic on more of your mouth. Which one I want to use. Just use the one that you could say right now. Okay. I'm going to use my lifeline.

What? What? Yeah, well, because you... I didn't tell you you guys had lifelines. Oh, shit. We don't? Maybe. Dan, don't you dare.

Already? Dude, one Dan, do a Dan? All right, Dan, what do you got? Harlem Nights. Fuck you, dude. Nice. Harlem Nights. See?

Fuck yeah, Harlem Nights. Oh, now you want to shoot people in the pinky toe. Harlem Nights. That movie is so fucking funny. Red Fox killed it, man. Alright, what do you got, Shane? Oh, shit. Eddie Murphy Raw.

I like that. I like that a lot. Yeah. Sean? Beverly Hills Cop 3? Oh, sneaky bastard. I didn't know if there was a colon How is that sneaky I stayed away from it

Well because it just sat there for a minute And you snagged it That's crazy Good job That was really slick I liked it a lot I can't even tell you I can't even express myself

How much I like it. You doing a bit? Do you know what it would take for me to express to you how much I liked it? It would take a thousand words. Oh. Yeah, I've never heard of that movie in my life. Well, he made one called A Thousand Words.

I gathered that. He plays a character who, once he's said a thousand words, he's done talking and he's out. And so he has to really conserve. I wish that was a documentary about Shane. That's mean. That's mean, dude. You know what's going to be nice is when I kick your ass in this game

and I don't have to hear you talk anymore. I'm probably going to lose. I hate you as a person. Ready? Yes, Dan, go. Can I hate you as a person Ready? Yes Dan go Can I go Eddie Murphy delirious? Yeah you can Well I'm going to go with holy man

Yes very nice call Nice call Sean I spy Oh right Not to mention the golden child. Fuck, man. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Golden child, yeah. Aaron, sharpen your sword, playboy. All right, cool. Dan. Boomerang. Fuck. Right. Oh, that's a good one.

Thanks, man. Great soundtrack, too. PM Dawn on that? a good one. Thanks, man. Yeah, that's a great one. Great soundtrack, too. PM Dawn on that? Mm. Uh. Mm. Mm. So thank you for saying that right before my name.

Set adrift on memory bliss. I'm going to go with life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm a nasty motherfucker. Because I'm a nasty motherfucker. Why?

I was going to be talking about shit. Because I'm a nasty motherfucker. Because I'm a nasty motherfucker. It's a nasty motherfucker. Good scene. What are you taking in all this air for, Club? Why are you swelling all up? That movie's fucking great.

Oh, I thought of another one. Sean, go. Are you out? No, I'm not. You want to use your lifeline? Russian me. What do we got here? to use your lifeline? Rushing me. Yeah, what do we got here? What's the lifeline guy?

Oh, shit. Aaron, tell me it wasn't one of the movies that was just set. Fuck, he's going to... Come on, Aaron. What? Let's go with Flubber. Oh, all right, Flubber. Flubber. Wait, what?

Why would he be in Flubber? He's in Flubber? Nope. Nope, nope. Quiet. Hey, hold on. Let's let Sean lose. He's really trying to get you to say this, nope, quiet. Hey, hold on. Let's let Sean lose. He's really trying to get you to say this, Sean,

but may I speak to the witness? Yeah, please. Is this the high court? Yeah, it is. It is now. Thank you. Robin Williams is in Flubber. Yeah.

And he's pretty much listed as the only... Is Eddie Murphy seen on the television? Wait, no, no. I don't want you to change movies. I need proof that he's in Flubber. He's not one of the lead characters in Flubber. I know that much. But does he have a... Do you have some reason for saying his name? No, I of the lead characters in Flubber. I know that much. But does he have a, do you have some reason for saying his name?

No, I just thought he was a bitch. Oh, you just thought he was a bitch. That's okay. You were very confident, very confident about that. Do I need to rip this fucking name tag in half? Is that what I need to do? No, don't do that, Sean. Don't do that, Sean.

So, Sean, you have to either accept or reject Flubber. If you reject it, you don't have anything else to say. He can't say the other movie he just said? No, because that was his offer to you. That was his help. He did try to say something else, but you weren't listening. Somebody was talking, and I couldn't hear. Possibly me.

Apologies. But, yes, you got nothing else. You got nothing else. Stop it. I didn't else Stop it I didn't He probably thinks Eddie Murphy was in Rush Hour as well Do you understand The words that are coming out of my mouth Sean you're out Flubber

You're out Flubber is wrong You're out You're sure he's not in Flubber Yeah you're fucking out You're definitely out Flubber is wrong. You're out. You're sure he's not in Flubber? Yeah, you're fucking out. You flubbed that one. You're definitely out. It's my turn?

Showtime is over. He kept yelling out about he could talk to the animals. Dr. Doolittle. Dan. Shrek. Shane. Jesus, that was my next one. God damn it.

I don't know if it's a full title thing. You better be ready for that. Those Shrek movies are a real minefield. Be careful. Just as a stall tactic, one of my friends told me I look like Shrek's girlfriend. It was the most I've ever been hurt. Eddie Murphy was a nutty professor to the clumps.

Oh, very good. All right, my turn. I'm going to say the nutty professor. It's already said. Oh, it's already been said? Oh, shit. Dr. Doolittle 2. There's no fucking full title

He had enough shame He didn't need to add more words to it I think it was just Shrek 2 That's right You coy son of a bitch I know I acted like it was hard But it wasn't hard

And that is how you... Shit hit time! Oh, fuck. You guys have never made me happier. You got me? Okay. All right, we got to wrap this shit up. Yeah, because Shane's going to headline pretty quick. Lines around the door.

Aren't you out of the game? I still got a hot mic, playboy. I would love it if you were the shithead on the back of his name tag. I am going to say a film that is so prolific I need your help. Vampire of Brooklyn.

Yes. Damn it. Lifeline says Vampire of Brooklyn. In Brooklyn. Thank you. Damn it. Fuck! Lifeline says Vampire of Brooklyn. In Brooklyn. Thank you. Damn it. For correcting me. Aaron. Oh, fuck.

I do have another one. You do? Oh, good. Good for you. Kiss my dick. So it's my turn again, right? Don't take mine, Doug. Don't take mine.

Come on. Which one is yours? You probably recruited yourself this late in the game. Which one is yours? I'm going to go with... Unless you want to say Shane's. Say Shane's. Say Eddie's.

Don't you bring me into this! Shrek Forever After. Whoa! Was that it? No. Damn it. Dumbass. What do you got, Dan?

Yeah, because a dumbass would look you in the eye and say Haunted Mansion. Whoa! Okay. Well, it's a good film, but it's no The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Oh! And I was wondering

if that one guy would say the Haunted Mansion. Oh, yeah. Is it the? I think it is. Okay. And I'm wondering if I'm going to say

Shrek the Third. Damn it! Man, this sucks. I'll Ray Liotta your asses. That's the scariest thing you've ever said to me. I'm going to Ray Liotta your ass. Is. Oh, man, this is tough.

No help from the audience. We're really getting down to it. Yes or no, audience? Just answer this. Is there some big ones we forgot? Yeah, of course there are. Don't ask Aaron. There's always this good one. Or Sean. You did the uh thing again. Yeah. Or Sean.

You did the uh thing again. Yeah. He did it. We've all said the same amount, right? So technically we're in a tie right now. Shane, do you have another one? I might. Okay.

Yeah, he said he thought of one. He says that a lot. We need an answer, Daniel. I don't know if this is the title and I'm not even sure he's in it, but I'm going to just take a shot. I'm sorry, Dan. The flubber's gone already. Okay.

Flub? No. The hedge? Son of flubber? The hedge? What? Oh, I got one. Fuck, man. No, you don't.

Yeah, I do. It doesn't matter, I mean. I know it doesn't matter, Doug. I'm not going to say it. Yeah. Dan, you're out. Shane? I think so.

I think so. Dude, if you... Our people can split it. Our people? Our people. Dan and... Oh, I see. Avengy, or whatever his name is.

Infinist Steve. Oh, Christ. Do it, dude. You got this. I've got one! I bet it's the one I got. I've got the winner. I'm gonna say...

Charlie Wilson's War, and I don't know why. He plays the hot tub. Yeah. Drop this mic when you say it. You deserve it. Okay. Meet Dave. Yeah!

Is the game over? Is that it? Yeah. Shane wins, right? Is the game over? Is that it? Yeah. Can I say the one I thought of? Shane wins, right? No, actually, we all said the same amount. Yeah, but who said the last one? Shane.

Yeah, Shane wins. Congratulations, Shane. Wow. Ah, shit. Was he in a... What's up, you fucking losers? Was Tower Heist, right? Oh, God.

Tower Heist, that's a good one. Tower Heist, yeah. Mulanist, that's a good one. Tower Heist, yeah. Mulan. Daddy Daycare. Daddy Daycare. Mulan and Daddy Daycare, and you guys said we forgot the big ones. Those are big ones.

Come on. Those are big. What was the one with Dudley Moore? No. You are a racist. But not on purpose. It was very early on. It was like his third or fourth movie. Best Defense. God damn.

I just pictured them in a tank is all I could picture. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. But good old Eddie Murphy. That was fun. That was fun. Dan, I'm sorry, bro. That was a super fun one. Congratulations to who was Shane playing for again? Steve. That was a good one. That was fun. Dan, I'm sorry, brother. That was a super fun one. All right. Congratulations to...

Who was Shane playing for again? Steve. Jurors? Infini-Steve. Yeah, so come get your prizes, Infini-Steve. No shithead. Come on, give him a round of applause. Where's Infini-Steve? And then Dan didn't write a shithead on the back of his thing.

Dan, who do you want me to call a shithead? I think that's... No, not you, Dan. Dan on the name tag. Okay, I like it. Guys, we've got a great comic coming up to the stage right now. Please give it up for shithead Sean Jordan! Wow. You are no longer Showtime.

Shut the fuck up. I can't believe that. Showtime was such a great nickname, and now you're Shithead. Sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry how that happens. That happens.

I thought Showtime would stick, but Shithead is the one. All right, so, Shithead Sean, do you have any plugs? I'm a regular co-host on a podcast called All Fantasy Everything. Listen to that, please. It's a fun one.

We draft pop culture. We just do like a fantasy draft of pop culture stuff. We make fun of Shane a whole bunch. So, it's real fun. Like if you hate Shane the same way that I do, then I'll do that. And yeah, just listen to that. That's it. Okay.

All right. Was that bad? Very charismatic stuff. That's it. Okay. All right. Well, was that better? Very charismatic stuff. That was great. Shane, what do you got? I'll be at Magoobie's in Baltimore. At where? At where?

Magoobie's in Baltimore. Magoobie's Joke House, where the jokes happen. I made that up. I don't know if that's their slogan. It should be. I'll pitch it. Magoobies Joke House? Magoobies, you'll get some jokes on you.

I'm Magoobied all over my stomach this afternoon. Shaneisacomedian.com is my website. And then I'm... Yeah, just go there. I have a lot of dates up, so I'd love it if somebody came to see me. Yeah, and your Twitter name is Shane Torres, but there's a fake Twitter called Shane Torres 420.

There's a... They just tacked 420 on there. Do you want to tell them this thing real quick? It's a crazy fucking story. So one time... There was... I will preface it with, there was another comedian named Shane Torres

who had all the social media handles. Which story do you want me to tell? And then I got famous. Successful. And he gave it up. And then these pricks grabbed it.

He's not pointing at me. They grabbed the Twitter handle and then started a not pointing at me. I'm talking to Sean. They grabbed the Twitter handle and then started a parody account of me. And it's the funniest thing I've ever read in my life. It's funnier than any tweet you've ever tweeted. Oh yeah, by far. The writer's room for that

Twitter band was insane. Zach Toscani wrote most of those, by the way. One of them was, my dream catcher is always empty. That's a great joke. That's a great joke. At this point,

God has marked my prayers as spam. That's so good. I've got one foot long in the grave. One of my favorite ones, my shoulder hurts. I was kicked out of a... My dick looks like a Chinese buffet's meatloaf. You mean delicious? Yeah.

I mean $7.99 a pound. It's still there. You can get the tweets. It's still there. You can get the tweets. It's really hurtful. Pretty great first appearance for Shane, right, everybody? Thank you guys very much. Thanks for having me, man.

Thank y'all. I'll hit you up when we come to New York. I'd love that. That'd be great. Dan? Yes. Van Kirk. Yes. That'd be great. Dan. Yes. Van Kirk.

Yes. What do you got for us, plug-wise? I will be on tour again soon, doing the second leg of Daniel Van Kirk, the Together Tour. On November 1st, I will be in Seattle. On the 2nd, I will be in Bellingham, Washington. The 3rd, in Eugene, Oregon. The 4th, in Portland, Oregon. This is all of November.

Oregon, the fourth in Portland, Oregon of Dissolve November. Yeah. And then the fifth in San Francisco and the ninth in Los Angeles, November 9th. And I am announcing this for the first time publicly here because it just got locked up yesterday. On November 8th, Thursday, November 8th, the Together Tour is coming to the American Comedy Company. I will be here on Thursday, November 8th, and I would love to see the American Comedy Company. I will be here on Thursday November 8th and I would love to see all

of you guys there. Please come out. It would be so great if you guys could come to my show on November 17th. I'll tell you all about Dan's show and how it went and you know, you can't come see everything. I understand. Magoobies. Magoobies.

Magoobies, everybody. Eddie, anything, any parting words from you, Eddie? You're going to be here. Do you know any of the upcoming acts besides me and Dan? Just stick around and see Shane. It's worth it. He's got two shows tonight and I will be the wings

above his wind. You've been thinking that the whole time? shows tonight and I will be the wings above his wind. Quack, quack! You've been thinking that the whole time? Oh, that was great. It doesn't sound very good, the wings above his wind, but you'll be here and he'll be here, so come back for those shows. My next

show, my next Douglas movies in Los Angeles will be at UCB Franklin this coming Tuesday, October., wait what? October 16th. That's fucking stupid. October 2nd. What's that Dan? I'm just not really good at plugs and I probably should have said

all that stuff will be at DanielVanKirk.com Sorry, thank you. Okay, great. Sean? Anything to add? Say something mean, Sean. Did you get it all in? Everybody is awesome, and thank you for coming to the show,

and comedy's rad, so keep listening to this podcast. How about that? Well, that was nice. My birthday is Thursday. Okay. Oh, happy birthday. Yeah, do you have a wish list somewhere?

No. You should get one of those. I stopped wishing a long time ago. Is it a dad? I'm a maker. I stopped wishing a long time ago. Is it a dad? I'm a maker. I'm sorry. I'm drunk. You're a maker's mark is what you are. Half.

What? Cool. More gems like that at 7.30 and 9.30. My comedy is like watching a figure skater fall. Guys, you've got to get down here in the basement to see Shane polish some gems. And turds. Bring some gems, by the way.

Nice and shiny. Yeah, if you bring your own gems, it really helps him out. Just throw your gems up onto the stage and he will deliver them. And I will take my shirt off for those gems. With style and panache. Oh, now you're going to do Burt Kreischer's act?

No, I'm not selling as many tickets as him. He is, whoa, he's killing it. He's going crazy. He's no Bill Burr. Alright. So, do Bill Burr again one more time. That's so funny. You want to fucking be Bill Burr? Why do you want to fucking be me? I hate every fucking day of my life.

You guys are out here. It's fucking nuts. Just live your fucking life. Work at a fucking cubicle. You want to stand up here and have people fucking look at you? It sucks. What about the traffic? Oh my God, don't get me started on the fucking traffic. The other day I just looked at a guy who gave me the fucking figure. I got out of my car and I fucking broke it. Can you talk about Eddie the Eagle, Bill?

What's this, a fucking eagle? We got a fucking eagle standing back here? Fuck this fucking eagle. He stands here and doesn't even move at all. I swear to God, I'll fight you right now. Yeah, I wouldn't talk that way about Eddie. Not to his face, anyway. Not to his beak.

You got it. He's still got a face. It's true, and it's beautiful. Thanks, Doug. It's beautiful and it's endangered. I know, Doug. Even taking my feather is a federal offense. Federal offense.

Federal offense. Did you say federal offense? I tried to. I think I said it. I think one of us isn't getting out of here alive. But it's been a wonderful time. Thank you to American Comedy Company. Thank you for coming here.

Thank you, guys. Come to San Diego. I know a lot of you came in from Fresno and South Carolina. And as always, Sean Shithead Jordan is a shithead. And this one, man, you're really getting

to the heart of the matter. Partisanship is a shit ad. Play that end theme, please. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie. Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you, cause Doug loves movies!