Doug Loves Movies - The Benson Interruption: The Podcast with Special Guests

Episode Date: May 19, 2011

Recorded live at Flappers in Burbank, Doug mixes it up by Interrupting his Love of Movies!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers screening baby sticky seeds With 50 azipop or kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Because Doug loves movies! Hey everybody My name is Doug and I love movies Welcome To a very special edition of Doug Loves Movies. Very special because it's getting interrupted by the Benson Interruption.

Play that theme song. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Doug's interrupting now. Cause it's the interruption. Doug's got a potty mouth. He cuts off all his friends. Here comes the interruption. Doug's got a potty mouth. He cuts off all his friends. Here comes the word eruption. He's most happy when he's saying things that pop into his brain.

Doug Benson has a show. The interruption's funny. It's awkward. It's awkward. Hey everybody, welcome to the Benson Interruption's funny It's awkward It's awkward Hey everybody, welcome to The Benson Interruption A free episode That's right, normally The Benson Interruption, the podcast, costs $2 In the comedy album section of iTunes But I thought today, here at Flappers in Burbank at 420

On May 15th, 2011, I'd hijack the weekly free Doug Loves Movies to give you a free interruption show to give you that for some reason. I thought it'd be fun. It's like a Doug Loves Movies Ben's Interruption mashup because there will be the Leonard Maltin game

happening today. I know. Yeah, I thought some of you would be excited by that and others would be like, I don't know what he's talking about. Which is fun. It's going to replicate what happens when we're out on the road

and we play the Leonard Maltin game with people in the audience. So if you are good at the Leonard Maltin game, get ready because you actually have to physically come up here and play the game. Yeah, it's pretty exciting. But as far as the interruption goes, here's how that works. I'll be introducing hilarious comedian friends of mine who will come on stage here at Flappers,

and they will stand here and talk into this microphone and say something like, Chuck Liddell was on my flight back from Canada, which was awesome because he choked out all the screaming babies. And then I'll be sitting nearby. They have a couch here at Flapper's, so I might lay on it like I'm being psychoanalyzed. Or I'll sit on that stool over there,

and I'll say something like, forget about talking babies or dancing babies, I want to see MMA babies. I want UFC babies. I want them fighting to the death in the octo crib. So that's sort of an idea of how it's going to work. So you guys ready for the interruption? Interruption!

All right. an idea of how it's going to work. So you guys ready for the interruption? Alright. I gotta figure out, where's the other, oh there's the other microphone right over there. I'm gonna go grab it right after I introduce this guy. And in honor of the bridesmaids, which was a big hit this weekend. Yeah.

What about the rest of you? Sexist. What a sexist crowd I brought down here today. I thought you'd all be like, yeah, bridesmaids! But people are like, nope. Is it on my TV yet? That's when I'm going to watch it. I go out to live events.

Are they going to do Bridesmaids live? Like Doug Loves Movies? Do they come out and just act it out? Please welcome my friend N'Gayo Beelum, everybody! N'Gayo is here! Also taking the long route. Just like I did.

I made the same mistake. There's a bottle of Yoo-Hoo right there. Does Flapper sell Yoo-Hoo? Oh my god. I love Yoo-Hoo. Anyway, sorry. Speaking of light-colored chocolate delights. Ngaio, everybody.

Ngaio 420 on the Twitter. Let's hear it for Doug Bix and Spacey Whiteass again. How's everybody doing? 420 show, so I have coffee. Weed and coffee's the poor man's eight ball. Or the smart man's eight ball, if you think about it.

I love marijuana. Let me say that. I'm a huge fucking weed activist. I go to every single event I can. I've been to the Seattle Hemp Fest, Missoula Hemp Fest, Portland Hemp Fest, Olympia Hemp Fest, the THC Expo. I've produced the Cannabis Comedy Festival. It occurs to me that... You know what I went to in Gaia? My house in got stoned. You rattled off a lot of great festivals, but I go to the My Life Festival

where I travel around to different cities and get high everywhere. I've been to that festival. It's always, yeah, it's always a festival. The Doug Benson Parking Lot Extravaganza. You got to trademark that, dude. Yeah, I'm working on that right now. I already love it.

Here at Flappers they have a Not a camera A clock I know the difference Do you? They both start with C Don't judge me man wearing a purse I mean hat

There's a clock in the back So I know exactly what time it is Or how long and slow the show is going And yeah But I can keep track of it. I love when comedy clubs have a clock you can see from the stage. Please, while I'm doing my joke, please stare at the clock.

It's like a game show. Please hurry, we're running out of time. This bit is stopping time. It won't change. I'm sorry, what were you talking about? I go to a lot of marijuana festivals. Oh yeah, marijuana, that's what you were talking about. I love weed.

It occurs to me. And it occurs to me that weed is the only illegal drug that people throw festivals for. Right? You never go to Meth Fest. Hey, welcome to Meth Fest! Who stole

the fucking sound system? Please try to keep all the humor on mic because this is a podcast. I yelled. We're recording this. So when you just yell near the mic, it might not be good enough. I'm sure it'll work. The emotion will come through. I think they'll hear the emotion.

All the best emotional speeches were made before microphones. That's right. Charlie Chaplin's podcast is fucking awesome. He just keeps falling down all the time. I want him to meet a girl and get settled down. Get a rose or something. What? I love marijuana.

Did I mention that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's an awesome topic. It makes me a better parent. Oh, here's a new angle. I don't beat my kids. I'll talk to them three or four hours. They probably wish I would hit them.

Jesus, are you still talking? I'll just take a beating. Is that cool? Fucking hit my ass a few times. I want to go play. That's right. Professor Pot, I've heard this lecture before. They probably have heard the lecture before. About the peace and love and sharing.

That's right. But you know, that's the thing. But I'm not smoking weed yet. Violence won't solve your problems. I worry about that. I worry that my kids aren't going to want to smoke weed with me. Not like right now. Dude, I'll see you at recess.

I got the shit. But no, like when they're in college or something. Hey, turned out to be a fine young man, brother. Let's go up to the roof. We'll smoke a joint. Watch the sunset. talk about some shit. Oh, dad, you know, I'm interning at the stock market tomorrow. I gotta get up real early.

No son of mine's gonna have a job! The fuck? You learned that from your mother, didn't you? You didn't learn that from me. You just need to teach them how to juggle. They're learning. I do know how to juggle. Juggling doesn't work on a podcast. T.. TJ Miller juggled once on my podcast. It was the worst five minutes of my life.

Did you stare at the clock the whole time? There was no clock. There was just me living in the moment and going, why are people listening to this? But we don't edit the show. That's part of the charm of it. Is it hella hot up here? Well, you got a heavy coat on. I wanted to wear the coat.

You got a plush coat on. You like that coat? I'm the black Willy Wonka. Your coat. The Hennessy tastes like Hennessy. But since you have that coat, do people just have to play around the 17th hole over at Goofy Golf on Ventura in the corner?

I'm going to take my coat off. Because it's warm. You got a nice sweater vest. You're even more professorial now. That's right. I teach the corner I'm gonna take my coat off Oh Cause it's warm You got a nice sweater vest You're even more professorial now That's right I teach at the college Botany And philosophy and ceramics

These are my plans That's my thoughts That's my bongs So You get an A Does the ghost of Patrick Stewart Come in and audit your ceramics classes? The ghost of Patrick Stewart come in and audit your ceramics classes? The ghost of Patrick Stewart?

I am scheduled to meet with the Beta Zed ambassador. Patrick Stewart? I thought that was a bit Swayze. I bet Swayze. Does the ghost of Patrick Stewart? He's still alive. Does the ghost of Patrick Stewart walk in and go, pick any car on the aisle,

and go Pick any car on the aisle And go The ghost of Patrick Stewart I think it's in The Christmas Carol I am the ghost Of Star Trek's past Do you want to have A tweet off

Two nerds Already Yeah time goes fast I don't No Here's what Somebody sent refusing the tweet off. Somebody sent me this tweet the other day. Guy goes to the doctor, says,

Doc, I'm addicted to Twitter. And the doctor says, I don't follow you. That's awesome. You should compile a whole act of jokes that are only funny on Twitter. So that when the whole thing goes south, it'd be like, I've got a book coming out, You should compile a whole act of jokes that are only funny on Twitter. Apparently. So that when the whole thing goes south, it'd be like, I've got a book coming out.

It's MySpace humor. Right next to the Friendster Journal. It's my brilliant follow-up to Tribe.net. The wit and wisdom of Tribe.net. How about that? What was the first book called?

Friendster. Friendster? Friendster. I don't... Friendster. You ever go back and look at your old tribe.net?

It's like a fucking time capsule when you look at your old social media. Was my hair ever that short? Who's wearing that jacket? What's that site where they're pushing

like finding out ancestry.com? Sure. Like why would I... They're like, I found out my you know, great, great, great out ancestry.com? Sure. Like, why would I? And they're like, I found out my, you know, great-great-great-grandfather was a plumber who fixed some important sinks. And now you know why your hands smell.

They're, like, so proud of themselves. Like, oh, wow. Like, why not just not find out and just imagine the best for yourself? Yes, my great-great-grandfather was a king. This is the first thing that came to mind. There you go.

I could have said slave, but that would have been all fucked up. Well, I was going to say it's probably... Fuck all you guys. I was going to say it's probably on a human chessboard. Sure. King of the plantation, now. Kiss my ass. The owner would come out And play chess

With human beings Is this the whitest crowd You've ever had Doug? It's up there It's pretty close It's like Portland white Is that a Burbank thing? It's totally Portland white

Here in Burbank Portland white There's not enough facial hair Or plaid For it really to be Portland And no micro bruise How many hipsters Does it take to change a light bulb?

Oh it's an obscure number. You've probably never heard of it. Here's an interesting question, though. How many people here live in the Burbank area? Applaud if you live in the Burbank area. Oh, that's... Burbankians? So you didn't have to park?

You just walked over? Yeah. That would be sweet. This parking here is fucking horrible. Walking in Burbankians? So you didn't have to park? You just walked over? Yeah. That would be sweet. This parking here is fucking horrible. Walking in Burbank. I like everything about flappers except for the parking. I didn't have the problem. I don't like the flarping. I don't like flarking my car.

I like driving around looking for a flarking space for flarking ever. You weren't looking for a fapping space? Just to go to flaps? You're right. I changed how the vowel sounds. for flarking ever. You weren't looking for a fapping space? Just to go to flaps? Yeah. A fapping space? You're right, you're right. I changed how the vowel sounds. A flarking fapping space.

And now I've violated my probation, so. How's the pizza? Is that pizza good? Because you're eating it in front of somebody who would really like to eat some pizza right now. It's rude. It's not fair. You got the munchies done?

I'm sitting on this weird couch watching her eat pizza. Some people pay money for that. I keep trying to look away and I'm stuck with the guy in the hat. The guy in the hat's got french fries. I'm surrounded by hats. There's french fries, there's pizza, it's like a stoner paradise here.

We need some real hat club going on. First rule of hat club. Don't talk about hat club. See, as soon as we said Hat Club, y'all should have just walked up and left. Right? So you don't have to talk about it. Okay.

No, whatever. I'm mad at you guys now. I want to know, because they all want to know why you rejected a tweet off. Was it because you do not save your best tweets on your mobile device? Best tweets is a subjective term. You just do it and move on, right? You tweet a lot.

It's a funny thing. I write jokes so crazily slow. I have a joke about my daughter being three, and she's 12 now. So it's not like... Is there a strain that you smoke that doesn't get tweeted about? No. My timeline is pretty much Is there a strain that you smoke that doesn't get tweeted about? Uh, no. My timeline is pretty much all weed and pictures of the pot in my pocket at the moment.

That's good. You're like the guy from Memento. If I could find my phone. If you take a bunch of pictures of the pot in your pocket, maybe you'll... You won't forget it. I better look at the photos before I go through the TSA. They say that marijuana actually helps with symptoms of Alzheimer's. And my theory is it just gets you so used to not remembering shit. It's not a roadblock anymore.

You've developed a system over these years. I can't even... I had a joke about that, too. Oh, there it is. What's your joke? It helps fight off... It helps fight off Alzheimer's So the new slogan for marijuana should be

Why forget tomorrow what you can forget today Very concise Did you tweet that? That's going to be on my new album coming out sometime this summer What's your new album called? Potty Mouth Wash your mouth out with dope Oh I like that

That could be like the tagline or whatever. Put it on the t-shirt. Like I could treat it like it's a movie. The danger of puns. D to the P. Doesn't that mean double penetration? I have to go to my... Wow.

I just yell that out when I'm walking around. There's some dirty bastards in here, man. When I see two dudes and a girl, they look kind of sexy, I just go, D to the P. Just hoping that they'll drop and just fucking... Right away, just the Eiffel Tower.

Double penetrate that shit. Just Eiffel Tower it right up. It's the sandwich of love. And Guy O'Belum, everybody. Thank you, and Guy O. We ran out of time. The time just rockets by on this show. It's crazy.

I'm going to be at the Palace Station Louis Anderson Theater in Las Vegas on May 29th. Please welcome my friend Matt Besser, everybody. Matt Besser is here holy shit there he is everybody comes in from the wrong way everyone comes in the longest way possible Matt Besser everybody keep the applause going this is show business

yours is working right I don't know it doesn't sound like it's working This is show business. Yours is working, right? I don't know. It doesn't sound like it's working. Sounds like they were like, this guest isn't worth the trouble. I can project. I am an actor.

I do not need this microphone. Is it working now? What happened to it? Flapper's tech team? You didn't do anything to it. I mean, it might be like a charisma issue. The microphone might have been like, he's got nothing important to say.

Is it on? This is an anti-Semitic microphone. It may be off. Can you please turn it on? Oh, yeah, please turn it on. That, please turn it on That's a good tip That's a good tip Do we do that? They always have the best pointers On how to do comedy here at Flappers

If you're on stage And your mic's not on They just turn it on And once you've learned that There's no stopping you She made a choice About how she was going to tell me too And once you've learned that, there's no stopping you. She made a choice about how she was going to tell me, too. I want to try turning it on.

It might be a good idea to do something smart right now. Maybe that'll work. Try the right choice. Stop being an asshole. The higher you speak to someone, the less you respect them. I like a Big Mac and some fries and a shake.

Is that it? You're looking a little fat. Yeah, I heard that bitch out there telling you to turn the mic up. That was bullshit. This is an awkward position, kind of. It is weird that you have to stand there and you stand up with me sitting on a very low-to-the-ground couch

behind you. I really don't have a great seat for the show. You guys were talking about Who you're related to That just reminded me of this audition I just terribly fucked up Have you heard of the Three Stooges Remake going on

Yeah you'd be perfect for No say it Who? It's an insult no matter what It's not like One of them are handsome You really don't That's why I said that because I don't really think It's not like one of them are handsome You really don't That's why I said that Because I don't really think you're right for any of them

If I were casting it I would just say Thank you for coming I wish they had said that They should say that more often But at least have what? Larry hair, thank you sir You don't have Larry hair A little bit

If you grew it out in a crazy weird way like he did, but you even have more on top. Right. Yeah, anyway. You don't look like Larry. If I went in for Moe, nevertheless. So you got a lot of greasy shit put in your hair and combed it down into like a

Moe haircut? Worse. I brought a wig, which is the fucking most embarrassing thing to do in an audition. Go, ah, just a second. Because you don't have an aunt in the waiting room.

That's too embarrassing. Nothing's as embarrassing as being one of the curlies going out for an audition. You hear their audition. Jumping around on the floor. But it so happens, Matt Bester,

I'm related to Joe Bester. I don't know if you know that. Holy shit. One of the three Stooges. One of the late Curlies. Right, exactly. One person can clap if you want to. Of 200, that's not so bad.

He was in Snow White and the Seven Stooges or whatever that one was, right? He was in what? It was like a Snow White parody with the Stooges in it. I'm sure. He was more known for Abbott Costello movies. He was stinky, not so fast. And he was in Africa Screams.

That was his big one. But anyway, I thought it might be interesting to the guy who's doing the audition because I'd heard he was a Three Stooges expert. So I was like, I got something to talk about when I go in there. And the big joke about Joe Besser is that he's the worst Stooge,

right? He's the worst Curly. But all the Joe Besser fans say no, Joe Dorita. I don't know if you guys know that much about all the Stooges, but... This is just going deep. Yeah. We say Joe Dorita. He was the last Curly replacement as the worst one, right? So I go in there and I'm like, well, you know, I say that... Oh, he's the one that was the last Curly replacement. I was the worst one, right?

So I go in there and I'm like, well, you know, I say that. Oh, he's the one that was in the Snow White thing then. Is he? Yeah, yeah. The last one. So I go in there and I say that. I'm Joe Besser, but you know, Joe Dorita was the worst one, huh? And it didn't go over with the guy at all.

And then I did my audition and I did my mo and he went hmm that was more of a larry i'm like okay so uh you want me to go out for larry and he's like no it's too late really i did a larry you don't want me to try to get you've already got a mo trying to be larry in my mind i can't see you as larry so then i i'm pissed i'm like what's up with that fucking guy? And then I find out that he's related to Joe Dorita. Oh. It was Matt Dorita. We were nemesis.

Oh, no. That's horrible. I didn't get it. I mean, I look like Moe otherwise. A six foot two Moe. Everybody knows. Yeah, they'd all have to be really tall. It'd be weird. You're better off.

Who is doing it? Are they casting that thing for the rest of our lives? No, they got them now. One's an unknown. Will Sasso is curly. Yeah, and then Sean Hayes is gay. No, I'm just joking around. I'm joking around, Burbank.

That's for him to say, not you. No, but... And an unknown is Moe, I think. Oh, he'd be a good Larry with the wig or whatever, with the curly hair. Sure, everybody. And then an unknown is Moe. An unknown.

Oh. And, uh... Why didn't they get Ray Liotta? He'd be a good Mo. You could be a good Mo. You think? You could pull that hair down. Well, let's do it.

Let's make it happen. I also went out for... I blew another idea. Do you want to hear about that too? Yes, please. Have you ever gone out for entourage? The one time I was up for a part on Entourage, or they called my agent

or whatever, I was out of town. I didn't get to do it. And it was a scene that then I watched every episode waiting to hate and be mad at the person who got the part. And then the scene never showed up. So it was like they either killed it or they shot it and didn't use it. But what was

your part? You know what? I signed something that said I can't say what the part is. Isn't that crazy? It gives away the whole arc of the season, basically. Oh, okay. Let me guess. I can't tell you. I'll guess and then just nod. Turtle dies. First episode.

I shoot him in the head. So you're Turtle's dad that came back and was full of anger and saw what a wonderful life his son was leading for having accomplished nothing, doing nothing in his life but smoke weed. That reminds me, did you see the situation's dad this week

got mad at him for not giving him money? Yeah, why is the situation giving most of his money to his dad? Because his dad did all the heavy lifting. He created the situation, literally. The situation does do a lot of heavy lifting now that I think about it. To get those abs. But I'm just saying that his dad deserves some of the credit. Yeah, you would have given the money?

I'm giving a shout out to Situation's dad. Situation's dad. First of all, he would have given the money? I'm giving a shout out to Situations Dad. Situations Dad. First of all, he has to have the public embarrassment. He has to live with that. And then no money? What the fuck is that about? Give him some embarrassment tax. Come on. Everywhere he goes.

You're the father of that kid? Yeah. I just made $10 embarrassment tax. I get worse stooge tax you know oh so I go up there have you been up there? where?

their audition office the offices of Entourage at the situation? no we're back to Entourage so no I haven't been there I didn't go in to audition

it doesn't matter so it's on the third floor they they have a whole third floor the point is the elevator doors open and you're in their lobby and there's three movie-sized posters of entourage and they're in lucite you know the clear yeah plastic stuff and there's like a it's like this and then there's like a ledge like this. And I have my, this is the Lucite ledge right here.

And I'm... Yeah, act it out for the podcast listeners. So I'm doing stretching exercises with the script on the ledge, right? So I'm doing like this. And there's only like two other guys there auditioning, and this is a real mellow office. And then all of a sudden, this guy, like 50-year-old with an English accent, all right, this is what's going to happen.

With the slightest bit of pressure, you see this? And he touches the loose side. The slightest piece of pressure, this is going to break. And you see this? And he points to a camera up in the corner, a surveillance camera. You see that? It will see you. It will capture all this on camera. And then a week later, you'll be

getting a bill for $750. I'm like, what the fuck? That guy's really worked it out. And he's screaming. That sounds like a money-making scheme to me. I've got a way for us to get $750. What you need is loose site insurance for a mere $10. So he's screaming at me.

I'm like, what would go through your head? I would walk out the door. But who you who is this right who is this oh because you are you do you have the answer i do i do i get it but i'm curious what would go through your head of who this guy is he seems like a lunatic who like wants to be in show business has failed and so he yells at people who come in to audition but why is he on this so i'm thinking he's the janitor. Who else would know that much about the Lucite and how much it costs and who else is paying attention to that? And I'm like, this crazy English janitor's up here yelling at me. And so after he finishes saying that, and then you'll

be charged $750. I go, you will never catch me. I go, you will never catch me. I go, I haven't signed the list yet, and I'm not going to put in my headshot, and I'm going to break this, and you guys will never catch me. You'll never get me. You'll look for, and like,

look over this guy's face. You can't believe I'm talking back to him. And in my head, I'm like, oh, I'm freaking out this crazy janitor. And then I go into the casting. I'm going to tackle you. You better have $750. So then I go into the casting director to do my audition.

I tell her the same story. I'm like, oh, you guys, do you have this English janitor or something running around out there? Lunatic. And she's like, English? Who's English? And she's like, oh, you mean our executive producer, the South African.

I was like, alright, let's not do this audition. This isn't going to happen. I mean, it's... Here's the guy we want. This? No! The Lucite Bandit! You must have felt very insensitive because of course you know

that in South Africa, Lucite is the most cherished thing a person can have. Yeah, the blood Lucite. Yeah, blood Lucite. If you get blood Lucite, you've really got some amazing leucite. All these kids who lost their hands polishing the leucite.

Let's have a tweet-off. Let's do it. All right. How many are we going to do? Just a couple. Just a couple. Yeah, we're running out of time, but this has been fun. Just a couple.

Just a couple songs. Yeah, we're running out of time, but this has been fun. Guy O just tweeted, Just finished a set at Flappers and Burbank for Doug Benson's new podcast. So, yeah, be sure to follow him because his shit's really funny. He nails it every time. No, then he wrote, Hashtag smash, hashtag stoned, hashtag thanks, Doug. Nice. It ended nice. Yeah, it every time. No, then he wrote hashtag smash, hashtag stoned, hashtag thanks, Doug. Nice.

It ended nice. Yeah, it was sweet. All right, I got a sports one here. Okay. It's kind of stolen from Fat Albert, half of it. Which half? It's a two punchline joke. Okay.

Lakers are acting like school in the summer No class Getting swept That's good Alright Here's one I want to read now that Maria Shriver is single again a lot of dudes are going to try to jump those bones

hashtag skeletor I tweet the truth okay this was in my series I tweet the truth. Okay, this was in my series, the Jokes from the Baby Jesus Roast series. You do some great series on there. Yeah, yeah, thank you. These are jokes from the roast of Baby Jesus.

Yeah. Baby Jesus, your cock is so small that they did have room at the end for it. I think someone said gross. Yuck. Baby Jesus had a big dick. That's not true. There's a new product called Venus Pro Skin. I think that would also be a good porn name.

Did you see that new porn starring Venus Pro Skin? Yeah, I got a boner. Something like that. I haven't worked it all out yet. Well, you've obviously worked it out. I addressed this one to Justin Bieber. He never responds to my tweets.

Justin Bieber, I hear Selena Gomez won't give you a blowjob because she's afraid of needles. Like that? Wait, you wonder why he won't reply? Hey, good one, Besser. You should be happy

he hasn't blocked you. He hasn't blocked you, has he? Can you read his tweets? Yeah, all the time. How do I inspire myself every day? He's still giving you his great tweets. Yeah, all the time How do I inspire myself every day? He's still giving you his great tweets You get all his goodness Why are you talking to a boy A third your age, old man?

Baby, baby Baby, oh Okay, here's a tweet I wrote the other day. The only newt qualified to be president of this country is the little girl from Aliens. Wait a minute, what? The only newt... Oh.

Yeah, so you don't hear that word often enough to recognize it when you hear it. The only newt qualified to be president of this country is the little girl from Aliens. And people immediately wrote back to me on Twitter, she's British. Like, thank God we settled that. I thought it was going to be Newt from Aliens all the way.

What percentage of your followers do you think have Asperger's? That they just don't... They get serious about every 20th tweet. I said treat, ma'am. Okay. It is. Tweets are little treats.

He misspoke. What an asshole. He's the worst person ever for saying the wrong word. At least we're glad Obama's dead. Wait a minute. All right, Matt.

So, Matt, we got time for one more of your tweets. What do you got? You got a good one lined up? Asparagus makes my pee smell funny. Tastes weird, too. Matt Besser, everybody. Yay, Matt Besser.

See you, Doug. Oh, see you later, Matt. I thought for a second somebody was heckling. Turns out it was the guy who just left the stage. Just saying goodbye. I'm going to be at

Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas June 1st and 2nd. Please welcome my friend... Oh, he's going to be there too. Please welcome my friend Graham Elwood, everybody. Graham Elwood is here.

Graham E. There he goes. Look at him, look at him, look at him. Burbank, let's do it, Burbank. He's got a wookie chest, which means he has a Chewbacca shirt on. But he also, I've seen under there. Okay, let's not get into that.

What a creep. I've watched you undress, Graham. This is like a homeless guy's public access show. But audio only, audio only. Hey, listen, I was sleeping here on this couch all night. I might as well host a show. Half of you people come by And I'll barely be awake for it

For those of you listening He's on like this weird stolen couch That somebody left in front of their fucking house With fake brick It's nice though Because it's like pleather or something It like wipes clean with a damn sponge Like you can jizz all over this thing

It's going to be nobody's business Yeah clean that up Even William Peterson with his special light Won't be able to figure it out Oh this is a sweet fuck couch I wonder if anybody's made love on this couch Well let's do it right now You guys ready to see me fuck Doug in the ass?

Come on! D to the P! Oh, no. D to the P. That is uncalled for. Oh, my God. Oh my god. Somebody made the mistake of telling me they kind of like it clean at Flappers.

Got it. That would probably be the first rape in podcasting history. Because I wouldn't go easily. Dude, you know how many downloads we'll do? I would resist it. I would resist it, but you do the P90X or whatever it's called.

Bring it! Welcome, Graham Elwood. Thank you, Doug. One guy clap. Fuck the rest of you. It's so funny how we tour around together all the time and people who are high love how angry Graham is.

They respond to it and they enjoy it and they laugh at it and they buy his shirts after the show. It's amazing. Because you're so angry. I'm not angry. I'm an intense person.

This isn't anger. This is me, me you know fucking wanting to fight everybody in a loving way all right well let's let's just go around here really quick all right this guy here to your left with the hat on what do you have to say to him this guy's fucking in a meatloaf cover band why would i want to why would i want to mess with this guy okay installs car stereos. He's in the Valley. He's coming out on a Sunday.

Have a good time. Why do I want to fight this guy? Do you honestly think there's any meatloaf cover bands? I don't think there are any. And what about the rest of Hat Club? We've got this guy here. There's a lot of Hat Club. Great hats.

Yeah, he just got back from the Back Nine over at... Fuck You Valley Golf Course. Doug, you do a lot of golfing, do you? What's a golf course around here? There's the La Brea Tar Pits. Yes. Universal City Walk. Oh, that's a great, I love that.

There's always a lot of holes Walking around there I'm going to do a show there too I'm going to do a podcast From the John Lovitz Podcast Theater At Universal CityWalk So yeah These four people are going to come

It's going to be awesome I'm going to have this couch from Plappers moved over there Because I've never been more relaxed During a show going to come. It's going to be awesome. I'm going to have this couch from Plappers moved over there. Because I've never been more relaxed during a show. That's probably the big mistake with the Comedy Central show. I should have been on a low couch and just fucking totally leaning back

like barely awake. This is like when Brian Posehn had that house in the Valley and we'd all just hang out there and play video games and it would just be a couch like this. Yeah, this is like playing video games without the playing video games. Right. We've taken the laziness to a whole new level.

Yeah, it's like... Like, oh, my thumbs hurt. This is bullshit. Hey, you guys want to just play that game couch? Yeah, Graham, why don't you get up and do your dumb whistling dancing routine and I'll lay on the couch and make fun of you. That'll be great. This is what I would do at Brian's.

You guys would just sit on the couch and I'd just go... Yeah, whistle and dance. Yeah, and I'd just sit here going, yeah, that's great. No, you enjoyed it. It's no Super Mario Kart, but it's pretty fun. So, we were just out on the road together. Did anything happen? Nope. How you guys doing? I can't remember. So We were just out on the road together Did anything happen? Nope

How you guys doing? I can't remember What happens is when Graham and I are on the road together We play the Letter Maltin game With people When lots of people show up with name tags on We play the Letter Maltin game With people from the audience

Where they come up one by one And go head to head against Graham for some prizes. Would you guys like to try and do that right now? Would you be... Would you be into that? Sure. I have to sit up for that. A game show host cannot just lay back like that. You never see

Alex Trebek, you know. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. You want to buy a vowel? Sorry. Vanna's been that shit. Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Vanna spin that shit Pick a category I'll be back

I'm gonna nap for a moment Oh wow Jimmy Dore's codpiece Alright if we had to have the official Swing and the miss of the day, that would be it right there. That was like Jimmy Dore. He performs here a lot.

He's put his codpiece on that couch. Four people got it, and ten more listening got it. That's a win. Oh, shit. We have a stool down. We have a stool down. Osama bin Laden's been shot in the face, and we have a stool down. We have a stool down. Osama bin Laden's been shot in the face and we have a stool down. Trying to keep a historical

perspective on the events today. So Graham, he put a codpiece on? Yes. That's the part of it. I'm having a hard time believing the codpiece part. You're one of those people on Twitter that's like, wait a minute, you can't even

codpieces are not technically Okay, first of wait a minute, you can't even codpiece. Okay, first of all, on Twitter, you can't mumble. I mean, you can. There's a new mumble app. Twumble. I'm on Twumble because I don't want people to understand what I'm saying, but I want the satisfaction of having made a comment. That was definitely better than

you guys gave it. The listeners are losing their minds right now. They're like, holy shit, how could that audience just sit there? Let's play the later molten game. Let's do it! Here's how it's gonna work Graham's gonna pick A contestant

Out of the audience Based on Name tags only People that have Actually brought name tags I know there must be Some out there There's one right there

They always come out It says Jesse And where's another one Oh that's a cute one Brian loves Doug And then oh Somebody put their Medical marijuana card

On a gold chain. Wow, this is like fucking stoner arts and crafts. I love that shit. There's some other ones over there. Describe some of those, Graham. All right, there's one that says Anthony versus the whole world. This is kind of a Scott Pilgrim-y thing.

That's cool. One guy, Hugh. Oh, Price is Right style. I like it. She's got Little Debbie, the snack cakes. One's got a fucking unicorn or some shit Okay now Continue to hold your sign up proudly If you think you'll be good at this game

Because we actually are going to bring you up here to compete Head to head against Graham Yeah see some people reserve Because normally on the show We play for you So continue to do that at UCB in Los Angeles. But when we're out on the road, it's you against Graham. So you've got to be good at the game.

What is that? She retracted her sign. Jesse's still in it. Go ahead and pick somebody, Graham. Little Debbie. Let's do it. Little Debbie. All right.

Come on up here, Little Debbie. Bring the sign. Bring your thing with you. People always forget to bring their name tags. I lobbied for you, Jesse. Little Debbie. Come on up here, Little Debbie. Bring the sign. Bring your thing with you. People always forget to bring their name tags. Sorry, Jesse. I lobbied for you, Jesse. Little Debbie. It's ultimately Graham's decision. Yeah.

Where's Little Debbie at? She's getting a snack cake. She is too little. We need someone that I can see. Someone that's visible. Oh, there's little Debbie. Have a seat on the creep couch.

Hello. Hold up your name tag so we can see it. Welcome to creep couch. There it is. Your name is little Debbie. Where are you from? Great town. She's from Burbank.

This really is local. It's a greatbank. This really is local. It's Great Town. I love it. All right, we're going to throw out some categories for you to choose from, little Debs. Would you like cat slash dog? That's movies with either cat or dog in the title. Would you like in honor of Bridesmaids it's in theaters now would you like bros not hoes that's a category of movies that only have men in them in

honor of bridesmaids in honor of bridesmaids because it's mostly women and that's that's rare the only other mostly women movies were those two movies called The Women. One with Meg Ryan and one with some old timey lady. And some old timey lady. Which one was it? See, nobody cares. Old timey lady.

Or In Theaters Now. That's a popular topic category. In Theaters Now. Which would you popular topic category. In Theaters Now. Which would you like, little Deb? Bros Not Hoes. All right. Debbie! Oh, you know what?

I described the category wrong, but it's still a fun category. It's movies directed by brother teams. Do you still like it? She still likes it. Still likes it. That was a close one She could have gotten crazy If she wasn't into it

Would you like a movie directed by brothers From 2001, 2008, or 2009 And as always No guessing from the crowd 2001 Don't yell out Out on the road we've been having problems Somebody will just yell out Caddyshack, we've been having problems with somebody that just yells out,

Candy Shack! And I'll go, we're not going to continue until that person is thrown out of the room. It gets very ugly. Happened in Buffalo. Happened in Salt Lake City. All right. Leonard gives this movie two stars from 2001. Leonard gives this movie two stars from 2001

he says that it is a lumbering attempt at a message movie and he says that it has too much hypocrisy to score as either comedy or morality wow why you gotta be so hard on it, Len?

It was directed by bros and there are 11 names from 2001. How many names do you think you can get it in, LD? Eight. She says eight names. That's a good opening bid.

Eight names. Graham? I will go seven. Playing it tight. She says five. Two name leap. Exciting. Exciting.

People in front of her were thinking about taking their hats off. I want to tell you to name that movie, Little Debbie. She's got to name it five names. Yeah!

So here's what happens. The first person that can beat Graham in a round of this is going to win all the stuff in this bag. It's an amazing, amazing prize package.

There's some cans. You get a palm strike shirt that came out the wrong color. Yeah. Because they're supposed to be like golden, but this one's like... Easter yellow. Yellow, Easter yellow.

You get a copy of Graham's CD, Comedians Gotta Boo Boo. And you get a copy of my CD, Professional Humoridian. And you'll get a woot monkey. Yeah. But I brought some a woot monkey. Yeah. But I brought some extra woot monkeys to shoot into the crowd.

So let's shoot them into the crowd. Oh, this one has an American flag on it. Yeah. This one's for Bin Laden. Independence Day is coming up. Independence Day is almost here, so they're all patriotic woot monkeys. I'm going to pull the root cord that makes them scream.

We're going to call this monkey Seal Team 6. Mine went to the front row It was really Extremely masculine Shot Okay so you're gonna win all that stuff Thank you for playing little Debbie What was the category Bros not hoes

And you picked... 2001. She did five names. She's got a name in five names. Okay, they are... Rob Moran. Shh. People are going to leap in with an answer.

Brooke Burns. Zen Gessner. I didn't know there was a person named Zen Susan Ward and Tony Robbins those are your five names from 2001 Leonard gives it two stars

he says that it's it's a lumbering attempt at a message movie doesn't score as a comedy or a morality to. People in the audience seem to know it. Any idea, little Deb? I got nothing. She's got nothing. What do you guys

think it is? Shallow Hal. Shallow Hal. Everybody knows it. Thank you for playing, Debbie. Go back to your seat. It's like a walk of shame without the fucking. She didn't have to make love to anybody. Except Jimmy Dore's codpiece.

I say good for her. Good for her. All right. That was fun. Pick another one? Yeah, pick another contestant. All right. Let's get somebody else up here. Dude, how many name tags do you have?

Well, it's my girlfriend's. Oh, it's my girlfriend. That's so great. We make name tags for each other. It's very hostile. You're a very hostile comedy girl. He made my name tag, you guys. You're very hostitable.

She just likes it. I'm good at the computer. I made a name tag, you guys. You're very hospitable. She just likes it. I'm good at the computer. I made her name tag. It's pretty cool. Is the next comic here? No, just out of curiosity. Yeah, he's here. Okay, good.

All right, we'll go with you, Kyle. Come on, name tag lover. Oh, and guess what? He's got a fucking stupid-ass hat on, too. Let's fucking get it crazy Shout out to the crazy hats Stupid ass hat day At Flappers

Stupid ass hat day At Flappers 23 skidoo Sit down on the couch Welcome to the weird couch What is your Who's that supposed to be on your,

that's your girlfriend? Your girlfriend's naked? Naked on your sign. Wow. I did not see that. I just saw the name. Well done, Kyle. Very proud of you.

I made a sign of your body. I want the world to see what I see every night. And I will defeat Graham Elwood for your love. And Doug's going to fuck me on a homeless couch. For your love. All right, here's your categories.

Put your hat on! What the fuck kind of place are we living in? God damn it, what are we, animals? What the fuck kind of place are we living in? God damn it, what are we, animals? Wait, wouldn't you normally take your hat off if you were... Not on a homeless rape couch, okay? Society has rules. When we abandon them, then it's like the road.

There's this fucking cannibalism. So you're saying the jukebox... I don't know if you saw that movie. You're saying the jukebox next to the homeless rape couch only has You Can Leave Your Hat On? Is the only song on that jukebox?

Okay, here we go. I hope Doug doesn't fall asleep in the middle of the show. I'm really losing interest. I really I don't care who wins Okay Here's your categories

Dudley, Demi or Julianne Those are more movies Because whenever I watch a movie I want more movies Bad Air Day That's movies with the word air in the title And then I tried to do it earlier but this time

For reals In honor of bridesmaids All Dudes Movies with all dudes So you want Air Dudes or Dudley, Demi and Julianne All Dudes All Dudes Yeah dude

Shut up Would you like an All Dudes movie From 72 All dudes. Yeah, dude. Shut up. Would you like an all dudes movie from 72? 82? 82? Or 2007? All dudes. The entire cast is dudes. 2007.

Okay. 2007 dudes movie. Leonard Martin calls it a bomb. Okay. 2007 dude, maybe. Leonard Martin calls it a bomb. Yeah. And he says... I don't know if it's a bomb. I don't think I saw it all the way through. But he says about it, he says that it's unbelievably bad.

Especially given the talent involved who are all dudes. And there are two names listed. And it's a bomb from 2007. How many names do you think you can get it in? Kyle. I'll say two names. Strong opening bid.

Wise opening bid. Graham Elwood. One. He says one name Now you can say name that movie or go zero names Kyle Do you have a focus An idea of this 2007 movie That's unbelievably bad

He said name that movie So you get one name Are you ready for your one name Graham Yeah let's give it a shot Don't yell it out Yeah nobody yell it Your one name is Jude Law out of

two names from 2007. It's unbelievably bad. It's like sitting in a can of farts. Leonard didn't say that. I'm just paraphrasing. Graham's making a face like we might have a winner.

We either have a winner or it's time for him to have a mid-year clearance event. He's going to shit all over this stage. Two names. Yeah, it's just Jude Law and... It's only dudes. So it's Jude Law and It's only dudes So it's Jude Law and a dude Or a lady that everybody thinks is a dude

It's a pretty tricky category Without yelling it out does anyone in the audience know what it is? Okay people know it Meatloaf knows it I wanna know right now Do you know this movie Wanna know right now Do you know this movie Wanna know right now It's only got two names

Alright weirdo I think your time's up I think your time's up I think you have no idea Yeah I don't So we have a winner Kyle is our winner everybody Yay what was it?

What's the movie? You get this bag of shit. Thank you for playing, Kyle. Meatloaf, what is it? Repo Man. Oh, cocksucker. God damn it. Why do you think that's the right answer? That movie only had two people in it?

Yeah, no way. That's retarded. Somebody over there had it. Sherlock Holmes? The other name is Michael Caine It's called Sleuth There's only two dudes in it And it was a remake of the original Sleuth

Which is also the other movie that I had From 1972 And so we have a winner Thank you so much Graham Elwood Thank you guys, thank you Meatloaf and Crazy Hat Thank you Graham Elwood Check out Graham's podcast Comedy Film Notes Thank you, guys. Thank you, Meatloaf and Crazy Hat. Thank you, Graham Elwood. Check out Graham's podcast, Comedy Film Notes.

I just did an episode with them in Portland. It was a lot of fun, so listen to that one if you can. I'm going to be participating in the Blaze 420 Tour with Ralphie May and Cheech Marin on June 11th in Charleston, South Carolina. So come to that if you can. And please welcome to the stage, we've got two more to go. Please welcome my friend Chris Porter, everybody.

Chris Porter is here. I asked for him earlier and he said that he was here. It turns out he's here. Hello. Hey, buddy. Where did you... Did you just fly in from somewhere? Yeah, I just flew in from Fairbanks, Alaska.

Nice! Yeah, the sun doesn't go down. That's a shitty Elton John song, right? While you were there, it didn't go down. It goes down On occasion Yeah like in the winter Yeah

But they didn't tell me But now it doesn't I didn't think we were there yet I just thought I'm gonna smoke some pot And watch the sunset Six hours later The bag was empty

Nice That's some nice 420 humor Nailed it Cause you really But you really didn't fly back from there today I flew back this morning I have not slept since I left Fairbanks Yeah, you texted me today like, oh shit, I might not be able to make it I forgot, I had to do like two of my podcasts

This is my third podcast today Oh wow, what's your podcast called? Chris Porter's General Store It's not like Tradio or some shit it's more the emphasis is more on the general

yeah well it's like General Store I like the name of it because you kind of go in wander around you find some essentials

some other things you may maybe you put it down and go find some more yeah yeah yeah it's good General Store it's the only podcast

in the philosophy section of iTunes that's ever discussed fisting. I'm not for it. It's good. You have to distinguish yourself. But I had a friend of mine who was a sexual delinquent. You can find him on Craigslist. And he's into that.

I haven't had that much sex where I'm still excited that this shit's happening. What is a sexual delinquent? Like, it's a guy who... Like, people on Craigslist, I lived with a dude for two months. He thinks he's still a teenager? Kind of. That's the delinquent part? A little bit, yeah.

Because you can't be a delinquent when you're an adult, can you? I think so, yeah. I thought that was a term for young people. Like, on your bills and shit? Oh, yeah, you're delinquent on your bills. Yeah. You're delinquent on your sex bills. You need to pay your whore bills.

This guy owes some people. Your whore bills are stacking up. I lived with him for two months when I first moved out here and at 2am I would go to sleep and I would wake up at 10am and he'd have some nasty chick in his bed that he'd met on Craigslist and she came over and he plowed her.

And so I fucking moved out because I'd had enough of the randos fucking up my breakfast. There wasn't like one rando that you took a look at and went, this is almost as good as internet porn. Well, it's like Craigslist, dude.

It's not like hot chicks are looking for dudes to bang. Right? They got to get on casual encounters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's always just some fucking two. I need to hook up, but also I have a sectional that needs to be moved. Yeah. So you get that kind of people that show up.

Yeah, I'll move your couch. I'll move your couch. You got to fist me, though. No, the stories that we found, and the best part was, my buddy, as like for shits and giggles, would peruse the casual encounter section just for like a laugh and shit,

and we found his ad. Swear to God, dude. Like complete with a picture of him doing this. And I'm like, that's his bathroom. I know that bathroom. For the listeners, his leg was up on the weird couch. He was doing the got some captain in ya pose.

But his sword was up. Every ad for alcohol is just like, this alcohol is going to fuck you. You do not need a partner. This alcohol will fuck you. Have you seen on the bus

stops Kim Kardashian for that stupid Bacardi? She looks like they took a lime and squeezed the center of it really, really, really tight. And then left it in the sun for too long? Yeah, and then put a Barbie head on it, but with black hair.

Is she not the worst? She, you know what? What's his name? John Fuglesang tweeted, if I can paraphrase his tweet, that he's really sad that O.J. Simpson killed those people because

if that didn't happen, we wouldn't know about the Kardashians. Like, that is such a weird road to fame. And, like, Kato Kaelin, Sid Raul, go, what the fuck? I was on that road. I was full on on that road. The Kardashians stole it with their boom and their pow.

Does that make you a little bit angry, though? I mean, not on a day-to-day basis, but just sometimes, like, to think, especially for, like, you and I that are trying to become famous. Yeah, we're trying to become international superstars. And she became one. And we have some sort of talent. And all she did was fuck Ray J on a video.

And now she's got all of our money. I couldn't do that. I don't have that kind of talent. I could not ever make love to Ray J no matter what the stakes. Sorry, Mom. Maybe not make love to him, but could you fuck him? I'm not saying you gotta look him in the eye.

I could not get an erection for Ray J. He could fuck me, but not the other way around. If it meant you got like a four-year sitcom? Gross. If it meant you got like a four year sitcom Gross I do not need There's nothing I need that bad No there's not

There's one thing I don't need and that's being raped That's like on the top of my list of things I don't need I'd rather be murdered I'd rather you take all my money There's a lot of things you could do to me Before you're raping me So just a warning to criminals Threaten do to me before you're raping me, so... Just a warning to criminals.

Threaten to rape me and you'll get the world. Isn't that a given? I think it is. I think it's an unspoken contract like George Costanza and the pigeons. It's just like, I think... Every criminal knows rape is on the top of the charts. It's just like, I think, whatever. Every criminal knows rape is on the top of the charts.

Yeah. No one's ever raping somebody going, I wonder if this doesn't bother him so much. Like if he's just glad he still has his house. Too dark for flappers

on a Sunday afternoon? Shit gets dark sometimes. It does, man. We're in a nightclub. It's broad daylight outside. But here in the bunker that is Flappers, the world could be falling apart. We don't know it.

Osama could be shooting bin Laden again. And we wouldn't know about it. Osama shooting bin Laden? Yeah. That'd be a feat. No, he killed killed himself didn't you hear what the gop was saying uh the republicans shot himself in the eye obama had nothing to do with it he was just like wandering by and went oh i'll take credit for this guy shot himself in the face just finally the he got tired of not having internet so he shot himself in the face because seriously is it the best thing about porn the variety? If you could only watch a few certain things that you downloaded previous to not having internet,

that wouldn't work after a while. You'd have to shoot yourself in the eye and then fuck that. I told you darkness was on us. But remember when you were on the road and before internet porn you'd have to buy hotel porn and like five minutes into it you're done and you still have 85 minutes of shitty porn and what?

Yeah, you just turn it off and hope that like in an hour you're ready to go again. But remember the hotels that if you switched the channel you were fucked? You can't go back. You gotta call the company and be like, I need my dildo fuckers back. No, you just leave it on there and turn the sound

down, do some other business. Well, you don't have the internet. And come back when you're ready to go again. Go have some lunch. Go to El Pollo Loco. And then come back and be like, oh, there's still some porn left. Oh, glorious leftover porn.

Do you want to have a tweet off? Do you have some tweets that you can read? I got some tweets. Let's read some tweets. This is fun, you guys. You guys go with mostly everything. Let's see here. I think you're my third favorite city

to perform in now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Number one is Portland. Number two is San Francisco. You like Portland better than San Francisco? The last few times I've been to Portland, it's just ridiculous. People don't even heckle there.

I've never been there. Everyone's fucking high. Everyone in Portland is high. Remember when we did the 420 show? It wasn't a 420 show. It was for Pot the Vote. Yeah. And we did the 420 It wasn't a 420 show It was for Pot the Vote And we did the Punchline In San Francisco for a 420 show

And they had one of the bigger smokeouts I've ever been a part of Post show smokeouts And the second one to that Was when we did Palace of Fine Arts for New Years And it's fucking funny We're walking into this theater And Doug as we're walking in to this theater,

and Doug, as we're walking into the back door, reads what the door says, and he goes, remember that. And I'm like, you're fucking high, dude. So we start selling our shit, and everyone's like, you guys come smoke pot with us. And he was like, go meet me by the door that says, what's it say, Porter?

And fucking 40 people just waiting outside. We had that giant, there was like 80 joints rolling around. What did the door say, though? And Maria Bamford just waiting outside. We had that giant, there was like 80 joints rolling around. What did the door say, though? And Maria Bamford just had to sit in the van and wait for us

while we got fucking retarded baked. Yeah, she doesn't participate in that. Just sitting there counting her Target money. That'd be a weird thing to do in a van on New Year's Eve.

I brought my Target money with me so I could sit here and count it outside the show. When I'm in a van, I like to count money. It soothes me. My first tweet, it's not really my first tweet, but I mentioned you in it. Oh, okay, that's good. It says, Doug Benson, thanks again for introducing me to McGriddles.

They are sometimes my only solace in waking up at 4.30 a.m. Wow, I didn't know you were going to start out so heavy. That was some serious shit. I'm going to read one by Michael Ian Black because I favorited it on my Twitter account, and it's so funny to me. He wrote, from a writer's perspective, the main problem with Country Strong

is that it's terrible. That's a good one. I said, and this got retweeted six times, so deal with that. When a girl calls you buddy, she should just call you dickless because that's how she thinks of you.

Right? That makes sense. It's kind of true. Sitting in my hotel room in Missoula wondering what the M on the side of the mountain stands for. Probably mountain I can't tell you how many responses I got

No it stands for Montana Or Missoula Or Montana State Like everybody wrote back to me To let me know that I was a dummy That's why I stopped putting jokes I mean because it's not as bad on Twitter But I stopped putting jokes on my Facebook I only it's not as bad on Twitter, but I stopped putting jokes on my Facebook.

I only put them on my Twitter. There's no joking on Facebook. Because it's every shit comic that you've ever met that's trying to one-up you. And if they were funny, you would have fucking friended them by now. Don't get involved with that. Let's see.

Where was my next one? I fucked it up. Where'd it go? I got one ready to go when you're done alright shit and this time I'm gonna get Osama and Obama I'm gonna keep the difference correct

oh I it was a cold I wrote this on a cold rainy day but it says it's days like this that I'm mad that hipsters ruin scarves for dudes Hey what's your weird name on Twitter? I changed it Now it's I am Chris Porter It was all that Chris underscore

But now it's I am Chris Porter By the way I don't know if you know this Do not google image search me Please For your own sake Chris Porter. Yeah. Okay. Because I am Chris Porter. By the way, I don't know if you know this, do not Google image search me, please, for your own sake, because there's... Whose wang do we see?

I'm not... There's a gay porn star named Chris Porter. I swear, what kind of fucked up name porn star is that? What happened to Dick Schlagerton

or some shit? Fucking come up with Chris Porter, you unoriginal dickhole. And it's not... Yeah, what's wrong with Venus Proskin? Yeah, right? Fucking use some creativity. I may be lying down, but I'm working.

And he doesn't even do, like, he doesn't even do like he doesn't even do like wholesome gay porn it's like it's like the worst like he i saw an interview with him on youtube and he was all for it is wholesome when you think about it he was doing like shows called like there's some balls oh it's so gross like he's the bane of my existence And then During the comedy countdown I guess he was watching and they put up my twitter And he was like we should be friends We have the same name I'm like go fuck yourself

You know if you would That would be a movie Okay so I'll read one more than you read one So get a good one Okay, so I'll read one more than you read one more So get a good one Get ready Because this one could go either way Great work with Osama Obama

Now send a team of Navy SEALs To shoot the economy in the face. Yeah, that was like a political cartoon. Alright. I'm sure there's a better one, but for time's sake. No, take your time. It's a local joke. Find the best one.

The best one possible. Is the next performer here? The next performer's not even here. I was worried that would happen. It's hard to park here. Fuck yeah it is. It's really hard to park here. I love it though.

Everything else about the venue is fantastic. I like this one. It seems no matter where you are, if you see Anderson Cooper reporting near you, you are fucked. Anderson Cooper may be the angel of death. Unless you're a gay in the military, then it's like, yay.

Because he's very outspoken about that cause. I wasn't implying that he's gay. I would never say that about a gay dude. Why would a guy... He used to come to like... I used to be like... I was pretty good friends With Kathy Griffin And I'd occasionally be at

A Kathy Griffin function And he'd be there And I'd be like Oh that dude's gay Yeah Cause other You know I mean I know I was there

But listen Let me defend myself I was like working with Kathy You know But he'd just show up He'd just be like I want a front row seat For Kathy's show

Just the fact that he's a fan Of Kathy Griffin You think he's gay fan of Kathy Griffin? You think he's gay? Seriously. What dudes that are gay are fans of Kathy Griffin? If you had to take a poll. Other than the guy in the hat over there.

No, I think she's really funny, but you know what I mean? Her subject matter tends to be girl. Subjects girls and gays are interested in. You have to give a shit about E! News to really understand. Oh my God. I mean, I'll watch her and learn about that stuff, but like, you know... You know, she's like an hour-long female episode of The Soup. Except not as funny,

and I didn't mean to spit at you. No, that's a good assessment. It's just like, oh, I'm going to find out what's going on in a world I don't give a shit about, yet I live near. We do live near it. When Paris Hilton, you guys probably went through this, that one time when she kept going in and out of jail

and the helicopters were over her house for like a couple of days. Yeah. They were over my house, too. Well, you know, Ben Gleave got punched in the face at fucking Beecher's Madhouse. Well, first off... Wow, that is a sentence. You get to have... There are no elements

of it that I care about. Ben Gleave got punched in the face at Beecher's Madhouse in Vegas? No, no, no. The one at the Roosevelt. First off, if you're hanging out at the Roosevelt, you deserve to get punched in the face. There's Beecher's Roadhouse at Hard Rock in Vegas too, right?

It's Beecher's Madhouse or whatever. But the point is, it was on TMZ. It's Beecher's Roadhouse at Hard Rock in Vegas too, right? It's Beecher's Madhouse or whatever. But the point is it was on TMZ. It's Swayze's Roadhouse. You walk in and they go I used to fuck guys like you in prison.

And then I go this isn't the club for me. Have you ever been to Lou Diamond Phillips' crazy train? I would rather be robbed like I was in prison. What?

Have you ever been to Lou Diamond Phillips' crazy train? No, but I It's douchey. Okay, good. I was going to say DFT. How ever been to Lou Diamond Phillips' crazy train? No, but I... It's douchey. Okay, good. I was going to say, DFT,

how many times do you do a lot of math? What? What? But yeah, Glebe got pumped by that oil tycoon, dude,

the guy that called Lindsay Lohan fire crotch. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Apparently, Glebe was like, hey, what's up? And dude just fucking clocked him.

I kind of assumed people knew who the fuck Ben Gleib was. I kind of assumed that I brought up the story and it was my fault that it went nowhere. I was like, holy shit, why did I bring this up at all? Like, this is not going anywhere. But I'm also preoccupied with,

I'm sorry, Chris, but is the final guest here? No? So Chris is our final guest. I worry this might happen. If anybody from management knows if my final surprise guest is here. Haven't seen him. Haven't seen him, okay.

Let me just check my... He could be parking. Let me just check my text. be parking Let me just check my text Maybe he wrote something to me I wrote one too that said parking No I got yours And I made a mental note of it like a professional Yeah And didn't announce it to the audience

But in this case I have nothing to report Because he hasn't texted me I was worried this would happen audience. But in this case, I have nothing to report because he hasn't texted me. I was worried this would happen. You want me to tell more Ben Gleib stories? We'll figure out a way to have a big finish. Think about podcasts. How many people listen to

Doug Love's movies? Are you like me in that whenever I listen to a podcast, whether I enjoy it or I just think it's okay, if it's kind of winding down towards the end, I'll listen to the very last. I have to hear every single thing that happens, even if, say for instance tonight, we just sat here and talked for 10 more minutes

and it wasn't really that interesting. I would still listen all the way through. That's kind of the thing about podcasting is it gets an intensity and also a time-killer-osity factor that people are doing something where they're like, well, I've got nothing better to do than to listen to this peter out

and not have an amazing conclusion, but I'll listen to every last word of it because I'm in my cubicle or on a train or something. Do you think a lot of it also has to do with we're so trained to have commercials that when we don't have one, we just feel the need to just wait until that. Yeah, let's wait until the commercial comes on,

then I'll shut this shit down. Yeah, yeah. As soon as they're on, then I'll shut this shit down. Yeah, yeah. As soon as they're like, cash for gold, fuck you. Because no matter how shitty a show is, you stay on to the commercial, and then you look at your brain, and you're like, this is awful, and then you switch it, right?

I have a moral conundrum I'd like to bring up for you guys right now that just sprang into my head. Should we bring the lights down? No, let's leave them exactly how they are. You and I are illuminated because we're performing. Well, I just thought we were going to have a moment. Oh, I see what you mean.

Just make it a little bit more tender? Yeah, that'd be cool. We'll put in a request for that. Oh, there you go. Oh, that is nice. Yeah, see? I wish it was like that the whole time. People know what we look like

we don't need to have our faces so bright yeah so there's a guy in those gold cash for gold commercials there's a guy that's like this kind of white haired guy and he's very uh newsman looking and he sits there and he goes you could trade your gold for cash and he's acting like a newsman looking and he sits there and he goes you could trade your gold for cash and he's acting like a newsman but he's an actor and he works out at the gym that I work out in and he shops at the grocery store that I shop in and I'm always like but he's a big guy because he works out

and he looks like an anchorman and I'm always like whenever I see him I'm always like oh I kind of want to say something to that guy along the lines of, hey, you know those commercials you do where you act like you're a newsman and you talk about how it's time to sell your gold and then old people fall for that

and then sell their gold? Like, I understand that you're an out-of-work actor and you need a gig, but that's some fucking bullshit, man. Yeah. And you shouldn't have fucking done it, and if you ever get a chance to do it again, you shouldn't do it again.

But I can't say that to him because he's a big guy and I just think that's too confrontational. And then he'll just fucking want to fight me or something. Or he'll just say, fuck off and walk away. And then I'll feel shitty. I feel the same way about anyone who's ever been in a herpes commercial. Well, do tell.

Why the fuck would you take that gig? hey america i got herpes right like and you don't most likely but people aren't gonna know that because people can't i mean people hear it because we're like we get it but people in the midwest they don't fucking they don't separate it and so they're just like that's that bitch with herpes but that guy everywhere he goes I'm just an actor I don't really have herpes but I've never seen cash for gold guy say I'm just an actor don't make that stupid financial

decision based on my stupid commercial but have you ever been in a situation where that would have been an option I've never been close to the guy in conversation. Thanks, Chris. Well, no, but I'm just saying, like, were you ever at the gym and the guy showed up with a gold bar and he was like, oh, yeah,

and he, like, handed him five bucks? I'm not going to be able to get through the final eight minutes of this show without another cocktail. So I implore the management at Flappers to either bring me the final guest of the evening. There was a lot of hype about how he was going to be here. And so it's very disappointing. It's a good thing this is a free episode.

I know. I feel bad for you because I'm not trying to say that what you've contributed hasn't been amazing. You know what I feel like? I feel like the friend of the hot chick who's waiting for the date that's not showing up. I'm having a lot of fun with you, but I thought I was going to get laid by the jock.

But apparently, we're just going to fucking watch. I've been talking about it all night. I've been thinking that I'm going to get raped by the final act. And I've really been looking forward to that. To finally get my first raping out of the way. Because once you've been looking forward to that to finally get my first raping out of the way because once you've been raped then you can

next time you're like I've been through this this is horrible I apologize to anyone who's offended by that but it's just it's so fun to go incredibly dark especially fucking 5.30 on a Sunday afternoon Chris it's so fun to go incredibly dark. Especially at fucking 5.30 on a Sunday afternoon. Chris, it's 5.53. Do you know how I know that?

Because they have an awesome clock at Flapper's. And I knew at 5.45, I knew that it's time to bring on the final guest, so let's see if he's here. Nope. No, he's not here. What about those of us who are here? That's what I'm saying. That's why I haven't said, Chris,

could you leave the stage so I could sit here by myself for the final 15 minutes and wallow in this booking mishap? Might as well tell everybody, right? I guess people probably already know I was on Joe Rogan's podcast

on Wednesday, and I said Yeah, there you go. And I was on Joe Rogan's podcast on Wednesday, and I said... Yeah, there you go. And I said, you should do my show on Sunday. He was like, yeah, all right, I'm going to do it. I'm into it. I was like, are you sure? Yeah, yeah, I'm in. And then we had to go do a gig out of town this weekend.

He was in San Francisco. Oh, shit. The way Chris was looking at you, I was like, oh, my God. If Joe Rogan is handing me this cocktail, I'll be right with the world. But then not only did I get a cocktail from the great folks at Flappers, I also got a plate of brownies

that have allergy nuts in them. Yeah? You're allergic? They're covered in allergy nuts. You can't even be near those. I'm not allergic to nuts, but ever since I decided I didn't like nuts and things, I was like, it's so much, you're not a dick if you go, I'm allergic to nuts. You can't even be near those. I'm not allergic to nuts, but ever since I decided I didn't like nuts and things, I was like, you're not a dick if you go,

I'm allergic to nuts. You're a dick if you're like, oh, it's got nuts. Because I'm so weird. It's so weird how much I love nuts in the proper setting, like on their own, I love nuts. Those are a lot of words that can be taken out of context. I love them in an M&M

Yeah I don't love them in Snickers or in brownies But yeah Can you get a Snickers without nuts? I'm just staring at me You can't get Snickers without nuts But if you could, it would be called Twix They shove a candy bar in there

Milky Way's kind of like it But not really Milky Way's got that fluffy The nougat is in Snickers Yeah what is that shit It's like a chocolate marshmallow This is the ultimate stoner conversation People always ask me

Do you get this a lot on Twitter Chris What's your favorite munchie And it's like what the fuck do you say Whatever's closest The weed opens up the window of the munchie? And it's like, what the fuck do you say? It's like, no, that's... Whatever's closest? The weed opens up the window of the munchie world. It makes everything munchie-able. When you're high, you're not like,

I need this specific thing. Oh, filet mignon, great. I have the munchies. I'll have a giant steak. That's a snack. Do you like brownies with nuts? I don't Well there they are then I don't know why you put nuts in the brownie

It's so delicious without it People do it all the time Ever since I was a kid I was just like I can't have those brownies with nuts in them One time my grandma put onions In the hamburger patty It was actually my step grandma

And I wanted to punch her in the face Right? Because onions are not even like nuts Onions are like a 50-50 deal at best On who likes them And you're just going to fucking assault me with them? I was pissed Can I get a Corona?

His alcohol looks awesome Let's get him a Corona? His alcohol looks awesome. Let's get him a Corona for the final four minutes. Final four Corona. But I think this has done a good job of showing what the Benson interruption is like. We record approximately one a month. I'm going to do a couple out on the road and people

can, you know, now they can listen to them knowing that they're full of sadness and disappointment. And delicious treats that are unedible. Inedible? They're bringing us brownies without nuts right now. Are you kidding me?

That is hilarious. Holy shit. Hey, while we're at it, we'd like some pussy without nuts. Two. I'm so tired of all that pussy with nuts in it That I've been getting Usually you can tell by the smell Here do you want to pass these to people in the audience?

Sure The ones with nuts I'm keeping the good ones. Oh my God, it's so good. Enjoy your nuts. Did a lot of people buy food here today? Like brownies and nuts? And nut brownies?

Did anybody bring brownies? You know what I'm saying? 420 Yummy. I do got to get out of here before the pot store closes. Oh really? Does anybody bring brownies? You know what I'm saying? 420 Yummy I do gotta get out of here 420 Yummy Before the pot store closes Oh really? You gotta swing by there?

What time does yours close? 8 Oh 8 o'clock You'll be fine Yeah I'm totally fine Yeah it's only 5.58 Which pot store do you go to? I go to this

It's not private But it's word of mouth And You don't want Tell me later. I'll tell you later, yeah. I have a frequent buyer card. You get a certain number of points, and you get a free eighth or whatever. Oh, nice.

Yeah. Make it fun. Oh, there you go. Thank you so much. Got a nice cocktail. Let's hear it for the waitstaff here, you guys. Working hard on a Sunday afternoon. We got another show coming in at 7.

Gross. I'm plugging Flappers, man. Flappers is a full-time comedy in Burbank, so come out. On May 25th, I'm going to show the new Steve Coogan movie, The Trip at CineFamily over there on Fairfax, on the other side of the hill.

So go to cinefamily.org if you want to. Hopefully it's not full already, and you can sign up for tickets to see that. And I'd like to thank Joe Rogan for... He was terrific. ...for saying that he would come by. And I texted him a few times about it, and I thought I would, you know...

To be honest with you, I almost completely spaced this. Because I was actually getting ready to leave earlier this morning. And I was like, I wonder what Doug's doing this week. Because we always say we're going to hang out. Yeah, yeah. But we're fucking busy. Or you don't like me. One of the two.

I haven't figured it out. No, I'm very busy. I got a screening of The Trip coming up at CineFamily on May 25th. I'm going to be at Cap City in Austin on June 1st and 2nd. Palace Station, Vegas, May 29th. I did all of these, right? Comedy Works in Denver, January 18th at 4.20. Doing a 4.20 matinee in that little cool basement club there.

They never booked me. Comedy Works? Yeah, they don't like me. All right, we'll turn that around. Whatever. We'll make it happen. Cool. You know how many people

are going to listen to this podcast hoping that Joe Rogan's on it? And don't think I'm not going to put his name on it. I'm going to list him like he's going to show up because I don't want people listening to the whole thing knowing that he's not going to show up. I want to make it suspenseful.

And he's been on my other podcast and he'll be on a podcast one day but I feel bad because I sort of used his name to kind of help fill up flappers on a Sunday afternoon. But at least you thought he was coming. There's a lot of comics that just say people are coming and they're not showing up ever.

Oh, yeah. Well, Jack Black is going to be here in a couple of minutes. Will Ferrell's coming by. Steve Carell. They're going to reenact some scenes from the final season of The Office. Then Muammar Gaddafi. He's swinging by. Gaddafi's going to come by.

He's got a couple of points he wants to make to people who listen to podcasts. He's got a movie to plug. He's going to point out how fascist podcasts are. That you should be worried about them. No, you could say anything on podcasts. I think we proved that here tonight. Yeah, we did fisting. We've definitely done...

We raped the shit out of rape. I'll tell you that much. Well, that's the message I want everyone to leave with tonight is rape the shit out of rape. Like, wherever rape happens, just rape it so that it stops being rape and becomes something that's being raped.

What are you doing? You're going to tweet that? I'd like to thank all of my guests. I'd like to thank the audience, first of all. Thank you so much for coming. This episode will be up for free on Friday, so if you want to listen to it and hear your laugh or your refusal to laugh,

however you look at it. And I'd like to thank Ngayu Bilem was here. Matt Messer was here. It's a great show. There's no reason to feel bad about it. Graham Elwood was here. Chris Porter,

not the porn star. Big disappointment that it wasn't the porn star. And let's hear it one more time for Joe Rogan, who we will reschedule him. I'm going to the UFC fights in May

in Vegas, and I'll see him there, and I'll say, hey, what happened? Say it nicely. And until next time, get credit checks on your kids. I'm not kidding around. If you have children,

get credit checks. Good night! Bye.