Doug Loves Movies - Tig Notaro, John Hodgman, Nick Kroll, and Kurt Metzger Guest

Episode Date: November 26, 2012

Live from the Gramercy Theatre in NYC, Doug welcomes Tig Notaro, John Hodgman, Nick Kroll, and Kurt Metzger to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers screaming baby sticky seats With 50 ads and popcorn kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves cookies Have fun babies! Hey, everybody. Some guy just yelled out, have my babies.

That's not possible, probable, or... that's enough. My name is Doug, and I love movies. This is Doug Loves Movies, coming to you from the Gramercy Theater on Monday, November 26th, 2 Oceans 12, in still-here New York City! And the Christmas version of the theme song with Garfunkel and Oates is back,

so that's nice to hear, and you'll get to hear it over the next six to 12 episodes. And I'll hopefully remember to stop playing it when we hit January. Since last I spoke and you listened, I went to the movies with my mom on Thanksgiving. And this finally is no burlesque, no magic mic. This time, I was so excited because we saw Silver Linings Playbook. Yeah. Well, sure, sir.

You probably do think it's awesome. I mean, you said it. But, it taught me the valuable lesson that gorgeous people can be crazy too. Friday, I appeared with a horrible caricature of myself on Jimmy Pardo's Never Not Funny podcast-a-thon. Yeah, a benefit for Smile Train and the highest bidder in the auction to appear on Douglas

Movies. He bid, or she, I don't know who the person is yet or entity, you know, cause corporations are people too. $2,665. Yeah. And I said I'd match it up to three grand.

So I have to pony up that same amount and yeah, fix a lot of children's smiles. And that person that bid that money will be appearing on the show sometime soon. And then I took a red eye to here. Yeah, I know, all of my flights are red-eyed. And I hear that joke all the time. And then on Saturday, I saw the movie Flight

because I knew that I wouldn't have to fly again for like four days, and I was hoping that I would have gotten over it. I went straight to the theater when I got off the plane, and saw it, because what am I going to do, sit there and remember back to that last flight? Oh, that would have been scary if all this

had happened. So I'm going to get crazy high tonight, and hopefully forget all about it before I have to fly home tomorrow. And I have to say that Denzel Washington's alcoholic character made me reevaluate my life choices. And I've decided

to never become a pilot. Don't drink and fly a plane, you guys. They should have. They should start doing, I mean, I don't know if it's really, you guys. They should have, they should start doing, I mean, I don't know if it's really a problem, but they should maybe start doing breathalyzers. Like, in the cockpit, you know, on the panel,

you have to blow, you know, under the amount in order to start the plane. I think that's a smart, smart move. This weekend, I saw three plays and one musical. Doug loves Broadway! The three plays are all currently in previews, so I don't think it's cool to share my opinions of them just yet. But the musical was scandalous, and it was so awful

that I thought it might close and end its run at intermission. that I thought it might close and end its run at intermission. Watch the news. It's going to close any day now. Now it's time for Tweet Relief, tweets about movies. Mike R. Daly tweeted, You will be disappointed in Hitchcock if you expect it to be a combination of Will Smith's Hancock and Hitch. This has been Tweet Relief.

Tweets about movies. I was trying to craft something about Hitchcock being the sequel to Hitch. Like he gets an attitude or something. Or he gets woken up, awakened every day by a

magical rooster. Austin, Texas, Miami, Florida, Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Irvine, California. I'm coming in December. Get ready for it. DouglasMovies.com for links and info and shit. Do you guys want to check out this prize bag that I brought tonight? Might be the heaviest prize bag in the history of the show. Yeah, I tried to go that extra mile, and I reminded all the guests twice instead of the standard once that usually doesn't

take. There's always somebody that just scribbles their name on some food that's laying around backstage. But these people brought some very thoughtful and lovely gifts. We have a Val Kilmer film called The Chaos Experiment. The Chaos Experiment. The Chaos Experiment. And then we have a book by one of the folks on the panel. I'm not going to give that away yet. And another book.

Oh, this one, though. I can say who this is because he's not here. It's by H.P. Lovecraft. The Call of the... And other weird stories. From the nice folks at the Gramercy Theater where we were doing this show, a Gramercy Theater t-shirt, and I think also

in here is a Gramercy Theater koozie. Because, yeah, that's a classy item. It says theater on it. R.E. So, drink whatever shit you want, wherever you want, with that. I'm a, now I'm a, what do you call it? A cover person. Cover model.

The cover model. The October issue number 30 of the comic, I guess you'd call it. Savage Henry. It's the Harvest issue. And it has a very nice rendering of me on the cover. So you get a copy of that. You get Doug Benson's Smug Life. You get a coaster from Guy's American. Guy Fieri's new...

Yeah. Yeah, I fucking ate there. I took the bullet, you guys. And I'll talk about it on the next Dining with Doug and Karen. And they give you these sippy cups now if you want to drink booze in the theaters. And so I thought it'd be, you know, I washed it out. And so I included that in the prize bag,

my sippy cup from one of the awful shows I saw and yeah, it wasn't a good weekend. I mean, I still had a blast, but and this is cool, a smush bush. It's a little George Bush and you can crush him. You can smush bush. I'm glad I said right away is a George Bush because it sounds like something else.

And then a sticker from a popular podcast that one of the guests is on. And another t-shirt from, I've been giving away a bunch of these from House of Ha Ha. And I think that's oh, yes. The piece of resistance. A

statue of liberty. What do you call it? I guess it's like a paperweight sort of thing, statue, that is signed by the person who brought it, but also drew on some boobs and a penis and those black football marks under the eyes and a Trail of Duty coming out of her dress in the back. That's what I call respect.

Please give a big warm welcome to my friends John Hodgman, Tig Notaro, Kurt Metzger, and Nick Kroll. I'm not even going to tell the listeners what that was all about. They can just wonder why there were so many waves. It's like one thing I said backstage. Everybody come out at the same time. Dude, I was in the middle.

I was telling a story about That's the only instruction. I was telling a story about a fleshlight that I got for free. Yeah. I was balls deep in that story. As if it were a fleshlight. Yeah. That's Kurt Metzger, ladies and gentlemen. You participated.

I want to hear the end of that story, by the way. Oh, I never used it again. It was really a downer, man. That's the end of the story? Yeah, way. Oh, I never used it again. It was really a downer, man. That's the end of the story? Yeah, it's horrible. I don't know how anybody uses it. And then he gave it to John Hodgman. Oh, but I was going to bring it for a gift,

but nobody wants that, so I brought a smooch brush. Well, you know what? Next time, think again. Is it still sitting around in your home? Oh, it's so gross. For emergencies? It's on the windowsill. What if you could get a lady to hold it between her legs?

Then would that be all right? If she didn't feel like having sex, you could just... My girlfriend suggests I just take the insides out and she said I could stuff it in her like a pussy turducken almost. Her words, not mine. Sounds like you've met the love of your life. Yeah. I hope when we play Lettermon game,

you're not going to be like, her answers, not mine. Like, I don't need a night of excuses. I'm still packing up all the prizes. John Hodgman is here, ladies and gentlemen. First time caller, long time listener. I'm absolutely terrified to be here. Yeah, I don't get that. I wish to win all the games.

You sit backstage at the Academy Awards and talk. Oh, no, the Emmys, I did that a couple of times, yes. Oh, the Emmys twice. The Emmys, two times, but never the Academy Awards. Have they ever done that at the Academy Awards? I think they had a weird... They had someone sitting backstage making snarky commentary? No, I don't think they did that.

No, I don't think so. It's just like Bruce Valanche in a bathtub full of hot dogs. Talking into an empty... Do you mean skiers? Yeah. Talking into an empty can of beans for himself, yes. I can't believe I thought that you were on the Oscars and it was the Emmys.

I know, I was very confused myself. But you did it twice. I did do it twice, and then they said no more. They said no thank you, and then I was not surprised because they changed producers. So I was not surprised I did not get the call because I figured they wanted to go in a different direction, but then they had someone else do the same thing.

Who was it? I don't know. He was a voiceover artist and not a professionally humorous person. That was their biggest problem with you is that guy was saying funny stuff. I don't know. What's that about?

I don't know. It was weird because the job had not existed before I did it. Neil Patrick Harris hosted and suggested that I do that. And the idea was that I would go backstage and I would say things when someone won, instead of just saying this is the first time that Aaron Paul has been

nominated and the first time he's won or whatever, which is boring, I would say things like when Aaron Paul grew up, his favorite television show was Fraggle Rock, which is true by the way, because we got the celebrities to give us information that we could use to make fun of them from the stage.

And so this is Aaron Paul's first nomination and first win when he was growing up. His favorite thing was Fraggle Rock. If you are not familiar with Fraggle Rock, that is a street name for a particularly lethal brand of methamphetamine. Fraggle Rock. That is a street name for a particularly lethal brand of methamphetamine. I was so delighted that I got to make that joke. But it's telling a hilarious

joke in a moment in the show where no one is like prepped to have a laugh at a hilarious joke. No, and for that reason, what I was saying did not go into the theater. It was only for you, the home viewer. In the theater, I would have been murdered.

Do you know what I mean? I would have been murdered by sanctimony before I even left the stage. Yeah, and they're all applauding wildly, so it would be hard to hear anything at that point. Yeah, so it made no sense. But Neil Patrick Harris invited me to do that. I was very surprised when they asked me to do it again. Not so

surprised when they came to their senses and didn't want to do that. I was very surprised when they asked me to do it again. Not so surprised when they came to their senses and didn't want to do that anymore. But then I showed up as a guest of the Daily Show. Congratulations. Thank you very much. And was sitting in the audience and someone won a thing and they're walking up and I hear over the loudspeaker, this is the second nomination for Aaron Paul and he still likes meth or whatever it was. Did they hire a fraggle to do it? Yeah, it was Gobo. It's a fraggle. Look it up, nerds.

What I'm saying is they had a guy and this time he was in the house. You could hear him in the house, which they had never done with me. And he was, I don't want to speak ill of this guy, but he was not well served by his not being funny. Let's put it that way. Why do they think they want

people to be funny? That never goes over. Funniness at an award show? Nobody likes that. A nice Billy Crystal dance number. That's all you need for a good award show. It should be as reverential as they are of themselves. Yeah, precisely. Wait, so did you know who the winners

were so you could write jokes for them? No. Well, we had to write jokes for every nominee in case they won. And the rehearsal of that thing was intensely weird because we had to go through a full dress run through that afternoon. And they had seat fillers

sitting in the places where the potential winners were due to be seated so they could get the shots and then when they won, when we announced randomly who the phony winner was, that person would get up and make a speech that they had written.

Yeah. They tend to thank the other seat filler stand in people at some point the guy who was standing in for Ricky Gervais won the won the bogus rubber match fake rehearsal Emmy

awards and he got up and he gave this long speech like I'd like to thank he'd done his homework like I'd like to thank my co-writer Stephen Merchant. I was in the office and then made a show called Extras. He had read the IMDb page. I'd like to thank the inventor

of the black t-shirt. Yes. And the person thinks if they do that job great, there's some sort of possible show business promotion that could come from doing that great. And nobody gives a shit what they say when they do those fake speeches or how well they do it.

It was their moment in the sun. Yeah. Yeah. It's fun. Tig Notaro is here, everybody. She brought. Please be seated. Thank you so much. She brought... Please be seated. Thank you so much. She brought...

Thank you. Please be seated. I appreciate that, but... She brought a Professor Blastoff sticker, her very popular podcast. Please be seated. I appreciate that. That's what's weighing that bag down. And you're still so excited about being on this show and getting to talk about movies

and play games that you totally understand. Every time we're backstage, I'm like, Doug, why am I here? I said, certainly I was not your first call. I've been on Professor Blastoff and I don't know shit about what you guys talk about on that show. We don't either. Yeah, there you go.

I brought a, or I got a Gramercy Theatre All Access backstage pass, but I'm pretty sure I can get around in this facility without unencumbered, so I put that in the bag. And then Nick Kroll is the one who brought and defaced the Statue of Liberty.

Please stand up. Please be seated. Please stand up. We know Tig's in town working on the Amy Schumer show Please stand up. We know Tig's in town working on the Amy Schumer show and that John and Kurt live here, but Nick, you're... Together. Together.

The odd couple. We share a fleshlight. Ugh. Shudder. What are you doing in town, Nick? I am here doing stand-up on the East Coast. I'll actually be here at the Gramercy Theater on Thursday night. And, yeah.

In this very facility. Could people get in for free if they hide in the restrooms after this show? Sure, absolutely. So do that, you guys. Was already planning on it, Doug. Will you honor the all-access pass that Doug put in the prize bag? Absolutely.

Fantastic. I think it's dated, but whoever wins tonight can come backstage after the show and bother us. What you should do is just write a note on the back of the all-access pass about how much you love Nick Kroll

in tiny letters in your own blood. And they'll let you write it. Yeah. That's how I got in. Did you say what you were doing here? To show, yeah, on the East Coast doing shows. Oh, it's a Gramercy Theater show. Just making sure.

You've got to get the plugs in. I appreciate it. Things could have changed. I'm just so excited to talk about because John Hodgman I'm not playing Madison Square Garden. John Hodgman brought the Val Kilmer Chaos Experiment.

That's what the full title should be. The Val Kilmer Chaos Experiment. When he turns up the heat, dot, dot, dot, they will turn on each other. In case you have never heard of this movie, this is a movie filmed in Detroit, in the shut-down Grand Hotel of Detroit. Yes, that's sad clapping for Detroit.

We all feel you, sir. We all do. That was a woman. Sorry. That was a woman. Excuse me. I apologize. It's all right. You have sad and manly hands, madam. Madam, what is the name

of the grand hotel in Detroit, which, like all other things in Detroit, has been closed for years? Do you know the name of the hotel? This film was shot in it with money from Detroit. It was never released. It had one showing in Detroit. It stars Val Kilmer as a mad scientist.

Disgraced and deranged, according to the back cover. Disgraced and deranged. In to the back cover. Disgraced and deranged. In order to prove that global warming is real, he locks Eric Roberts and a bunch of other people in a sauna. Six sexy strangers in a hotel steam bath. Yes. And he slowly turns up the heat. Yes.

What a cunt. And so what's... And I've never seen it, also. I've not ever seen it. It was part of my research on apocalyptic films and dire warning predictions films. And now I've decided that even if the world

does not end on December 21st of this year, life is still too fucking short to watch that. But let's make the winner tonight pledge, everybody, to watch the movie and then write 140 character or less

review and send it to me on Twitter. It'll be even less because you'll have to write at Doug Benson in the tweet. But please do review that because I, again, I also do not want to sit through it, but I'm sure it's got some merits.

I'd like a recap. And we also have a copy of John Hodgman's book, That Is All. That Is All. You're too kind. That you signed. You're too kind, citizens of Detroit. Thank you with your sad clapping.

And then what's this thing inside of it? Oh, that's just an old service card from a radio repair shop in Fitchburg, Massachusetts that I had lying around, which you can use as a bookmark. It promises radio repairs and satisfactory service. They had lower standards back then.

Did you put something in the H.P. Lovecraft book? I just signed my name in it as though it belonged to me which it did until very recently That is my personal reading copy of The Call of Cthulhu Yeah, I had trouble with that Previously owned by J. Hodgman Read if you dare

You may go mad by reading long wordy stories about a guy who suspects something is happening and then nothing happens for a while and then he opens the door and sees something he can't describe the end is it a group of people in a sauna Val Kilmer you monster

so Tig since the last time we gathered here because you were on the last show that I did in this town. Thank you. Everyone's happy to have you back. Have you seen any movies? Seen any films since then?

I did. What'd you see? I went and saw Lincoln. Nice. Are you clapping for Lincoln or for her? Seeing Lincoln. They finally met. That's what we're happy about.

I went and saw Lincoln, but I fell asleep like the last quarter, so I have no idea what happened. You're going to be surprised. I was awake for the whole thing, and shockingly, because I got drunk first,

but I managed to get through the whole thing, but I was still... Can we talk about the ending? Wait, is it... I got yelled at on Twitter today for all the spoilers of late that I've been doing on the show. I think I'm usually pretty cautious.

Is it a long movie, or was I just sleepy? It's over two, I think. But not... Yes! I have to go see movies. Oh, Lou! I have to go see a movie. This is just FYI

in case anybody wants to take me to a movie I have to go see movies in the afternoon because if I go at night I for sure fall asleep I'm more likely to fall asleep in the daytime than at night time let's keep talking about this yeah fascinating

movie sleep habits I fell asleep during Transformers, whatever the last one was. How is that possible? I think I went into a seizure shock. You probably had a seizure, yeah. During the, it literally I fell asleep during the action sequence and I just like, my body just shut down.

Yeah. You saw it in theaters, really? Yeah, I went to the theaters to see it. The third one? How many of them? I wanted to support Shia. Yeah. Vote with your dollars. And his new leading lady, whoever that was. Which one has the racist

Transformers and their names are like Reggae and shit? All of them, right? It's like Beatle Bailey. What? What? It's one of his names is Jazz. Jazz was the...

Right, but in the movie, at least in the first one, even in the Transformers movie, the black guy dies first. Did he? Yeah, Jazz is the one who dies first. He's like, wow, I'm so dead right now. You know what's so fucked up about that? That's Scatman Carruthers, right?

He plays jazz. And that's just how he talks. What does that feel like to just have a racist voice? You're like, look, this is just me. I don't know what to tell you. He wouldn't say it like that, though. Oh, my voice is racist.

What can I say? Optimus Prime. Dang, man. Oh, my voice is racist. What can I say? Optimus Prime. Dang, man. It's my voice. Oh, yeah. Hold on a minute. Whoa. Wait, Tig's speaking in her real voice. She's not doing her stage voice anymore.

Yeah, yeah. What's going on? What's going on? You sound like Robin Williams doing a black eye in every Robin Williams thing. Did you wake up in time for Lincoln's assassination? Oh, spoiler alert. Thanks a lot. No, I got nudged.

Hey, hey, hey, there's some good shit coming huh he's at the theater wake up he was asleep when he got shot yeah boring play our American cousin

that's right well that's what I was gonna ask you did you see Lincoln the movie John Hodgman I have not seen it no okay no I lived it well when you do see it when you do see it Did you see Lincoln, the movie? I did. John Hodgman? I have not seen it, no. Oh, okay. No, I lived it.

Well, when you do see it... When you do see it... You're a super low-key time traveler, right? Super low-key time traveler. That's my low-key theme song. Here I come into your time, day by day. So Lincoln gets shot What? And then all the actors on stage are like

And then But John Wilkes Booth doesn't Wait they were actors acting like actors? Acting like old timey actors In Our American Cousin A play within a play Was Billy Zane from Tombstone in it as an actor? I don't think he's getting a lot of roles as an actor.

His aspect of Titanic is one of the worst things in the history of movies. But anyway, for some reason... You know he's singing lounge songs on cruise ships now. No, he's not. That's not true. Billy Zane. All the hits of Billy Zane.

Pretty Eyebrows. He has beautiful eyebrows. Big Blues. The love theme from Dead Calm. He's got his own show called Insanity. He's good in Dead Calm. Of course he is. He's Billy Zane. He's a good actor. I don't understand why everyone's so upset about him. Is that where he takes over the boat? Right. He's good in Dead Calm. Of course he is. He's Billy Zane.

He's a good actor. I don't understand what everyone's so upset about. Wait, is that where he takes over the boat? He acts the part well in Titanic. It's just such a silly part

that he's just running around the whole time shooting at people. Yeah, he acts it silly. I saw Titanic. There's no way you didn't fall asleep. Did you fall, yeah,

did you fall asleep in that one? No. It's three hours. I didn't fall asleep. Did you fall asleep in that one? No. It's three hours. I didn't fall asleep. But what else do you have to say about it? Anything? About Titanic?

Yeah, well, I want to know what Tig thought of Titanic. I liked it. Yeah, I liked it too. Do you guys like the Poseidon Adventure? I've never seen either version of that. Because that boat flips over from the jump. You don't have to sit through two hours of an old lady recollecting. They knew how to make movies then.

Yeah, right? I haven't seen either Poseidon. Flip it. First reel. Flip it. Flip the fucker. Let's go. It's Happy New Year 1098. Flip it. There were originally 90 minutes of exposition of the Poseidon Adventure, like backstory of Ernest Borg 9 and Gene Hackman. They get it.

They get it done quick. The studio executive came in, flip it. They get it done quick. They have like the old couple, Jack Albertson and Shelley Winters, are like sitting on lounge chairs on the deck, and Red Buttons jogs by and says hello, and then they cut over to Gene Hackman talking to someone. They introduce all the characters

in like five minutes. Five minutes, a single set. Yeah, and then they have a big New Year's Eve party and then right after they say Happy New Year, flip it. I think they take more time with it in the Wolfgang Peterson Poseidon. Even though the title is shorter, I think they take

more time with setting up the characters. When I was a kid, I saw that on TV and I was all excited because it was called The Poseidon Adventure. And then it was just like a boat flip. I was like, where's the fucking adventure that I was expecting? The only thing that disappointing was when I saw the movie

Mask and I thought it was going to be about those toys like a car that turns into a plane. It was about a dude with a horrible deformity. movie Mask, and I thought it was going to be about those toys of like a car that turns into a plane. It was just about a dude with a horrible deformity. I also saw Mask. You're talking about Jim Carrey?

No, Mask. Stoltz. Wow. Doug, I saw Mask. The Mask or Mask? Mask. Or Mosk? Mask. I saw Mask. The Mask or Mask? Mask. Okay, or Mosk? Mask. Mask.

I saw Mosk. With Cher. I saw that. With Cher. Growing up, I saw Hot Dog, the movie. Sure. And then the next weekend, logically, rented Hamburger Hill. And it was a very different film.

And then you got Mystic Pizza. Yeah, and I was back on board. That's when I fell in love with Julia. Mr. Hodgman. Yes. What have you seen at the cinema or at home, motion picture-wise? I'm an old person with human children, so I don't go out to the movies. I think the last movie I saw in the theater was Prometheus. Did you like it?

Thanks, Kurt. I wasn't going to follow up with anything. I want to know myself. That's why I need so many guests. Somebody's got to ask the questions. Did you like it? Because the people, I liked it, dude. People were like, that movie sucked immediately. Why'd you like it?

I think, go ahead. Yeah. Let's hear your excuse. I don't ever want to know whether John liked it or not. No, I don't. I wasn't even... Can I tell you why I liked it? Yes, sure.

Sorry to interrupt you. So then later I saw another movie. No, I'd like to hear what you have to say for yourself. Because I thought Tim Tebow was pretty good as the engineer. That was a long walk for that Tim Tebow. I realize now that if we had just let you get that out right away, That was a long walk for that Tim Tebow joke. I know. I realize now that if we had just let you get that out right away, it would have worked.

Yeah, I apologize. I apologize. I want to hear it again. It's like we had sex with that joke, and then it had to walk home in the morning in heels. Somebody said Kurt's bit up again. But I went to Colorado and I stayed at the Stanley Hotel, which is the hotel that inspired Stephen

King to write The Shining, the novel The Shining. They have a closed circuit channel on the TVs in the hotel. Every night at midnight, they show The Shining. No, thank you. And if you're in the hotel bar at midnight,

suddenly it's there and you're watching the elevators unload blood all over the place. I went to a, the Stanley Kubrick exhibit at LACMA, like last week,

and it has all the stuff from The Shining, all of his movies. And I just saw the little, they had the little girls' dresses and shoes. And I just saw the little girl's dresses and shoes, and I was like, no thank you. I walked out of the room. I wanted no part of it.

And you rode your big wheel right out of there. Yeah, I rode it. Followed me on a fucking tracking shot. You guys know that if you go to LACMA, the Los Angeles Contemporary Museum of Art, or whatever it is, and you go to the Kubrick Museum, you have to ride through it on a big wheel. That's part of the deal.

Jeff Koontz designed three... Yeah. And don't try to sneak in a green machine. That does not work. No one knows what I'm talking about. Wait, isn't Scatman Carruthers in The Shining? I'm an old man with human children. Who's the guy in The Shining?

Well, which version of The Shining are you talking about? Are you talking about Stanley Kubrick's The Shining? Or Stephen King's The Shining? You know, Stephen King remade that movie. Really? He doesn't approve of The Shining, the Kubrick one. Really? He did not like the Kubrick Shining.

The Gary Cole TV one is the one he... Or not Gary Cole. No, not Gary Cole. The guy from Webber. Gary Coleman. It's the Gary Coleman version. Not Gary Coleman. One of the things...

I love Stephen King as a writer. I love him as a filmmaker. I love him as a human being. I think he's one of my very favorites in all of those realms. But this is the greatest act of artistic hubris of all time. Hated Stanley Kubrick's The Shining. Because I think he felt it was too interesting and ambiguous. And when he got his money together in the 90s,

he went to one of the major networks, ABC or CBS, and he said, Stanley Kubrick got it all wrong. I'm forcing you to make a new Shining that my friend is going to direct, and it's going to start, we're going to fix it this time.

Instead of Jack Nicholson, we're going to have Stephen Webber. And instead of Shelley Duvall, Rebecca DeMornay. And instead of Scatman Crothers, not Mario Van Peebles, Melvin Van Peebles. Melvin Van Peebles.

The elder Van Peebles. And instead of an adorable little boy, we are going to hire the most annoying child actor in the history of television. Who was it? He was the little kid on the Kirk Cameron sitcom, Kirk. Whoa.

I didn't even know that existed, dude. Is that that Jesus thing? I remember him. Was that a direct sequel to Growing Pains? No, it was on the WB network. It was on the WB network. It was on the WB, and it was years later. Is that after Kirk Cameron had gone all Tribulation Force?

Oh, I see. If you guys have a chance, by the way, Kirk Cameron a few years ago made a board game, an anti-evolution board game, that is really worth a look. So the questions are like, it's a trivia game. How many years ago did you make it?

I had it like about four or five years ago. Well, in my faith, it's only 15 days ago. The pieces only move around the board backwards. The questions are like, literally like, evolutionists say that history didn't start for millions, like it's been around for millions of years, but what about this fossil that they found above another fossil, so...

So... Question mark? How do you win? Yeah, what's the object or the goal? Submit. Yeah, just a lifetime supply of obesity. He was a great, that Kirk Cameron, I actually knew him before he flipped. Really?

What? Yeah. How old is he? So wait, he was another way before? a great that Kirk Cameron and I actually knew him before he flipped. Really? What? How old is he? He was another way before. Low-key time travelers got a friend. He was you know He could have been the next

Leonardo DiCaprio or something. He was on Growing Pains when Kirk Cameron grew up too much. But he wasn't Christian always like that? No, no. I thought he was always Christian. His parents were quite religious, but he didn't, there was just a turning point where he was suddenly,

like, had a guitar in his hands a lot. And wanted to, let's all go to my trailer and have a prayer meeting circle thing. So there's still hope for me. Mm-hmm. It came late for hope for me. Mm-hmm. It came late for him. Yeah. Yes? Okay.

Before that happened to him, we were kind of friends, and he was a fan of my stand-up, and we worked together, and I thought he was a great kid. Wow. Yeah. I feel like I don't know you at all.

I feel like I want to know you. Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I do too. I was a stand-in. I got to be Roy. Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I do too. I was a stand-in. I got to be Roy Scheider's stand-in in a movie called Mismatch that was about debating and starred Kirk Cameron and Jamie Girtz.

Oh, yeah. Horrible, really bad movie. This was not another body-changing movie. That's a Dudley Moore one. Horrible, horrible, really bad movie. This was not another body-changing movie. Right. That's a Dudley Moore one. This was off of the huge smash hit success of Father Like Son. They're like, we'll do Kirk again, body switching, Jamie Girtz, mismatch. Right, because this time it's his mom.

At that point, she was probably his girl, right? Yeah. What? Before she flipped. No, no. Jamie Girtz was already married to somebody when they shot. It was one of those things where she was already 28. She'd done

Less Than Zero. She'd been in a bunch of stuff. She'd done it all. Yeah, Lost Boys. So she was getting up there in age and was kind of a little old to be Kurt Cameron's love interest, but that's how it works. That's who they got. She was super nice, too. Was Jamie Girtz the girl from

Roller Babies whoa wow that's the one thing you know right finally she has just been walking the earth waiting to hopefully somebody will ask

yes now but that shouldn't be confused with... Now you're like Kirk Cameron, have to find new meaning in your life. Maybe you will find God. But there was also prayer for the roller boys, right? Yes. That's totally different. Totally different.

Well, Corey Haim, I think. Corey Haim. Yeah. So Kirk Cameron wasn't in that. No, I was drawing the connection to the Jamie Girtz Roller Babies thing. Do you ever watch Kirk Cameron's Jesus movies? Yeah. No.

Have you seen them? Do I what? Yeah. I rented a whole bunch. Oh, he's made like, yeah, action movies, right? There's like explosions and stuff. Well, I got that one, Tribulation Force, and I got Time Changer one time. Did you ever see Time Changer?

No, no. You know what? I saw Time Changer one time. Did you ever see Time Changer? No, no. I saw Time Changer. Did you? Yeah. Yeah, with Gavin McCloud. Where was I? I was in a hotel and I thought I was watching a movie. It turned out to be a Christian

propaganda film. It's by writer-director Rich Cristiano. Well, he's aptly named. Yeah, but that one's not good. This is the best Propaganda film. It's by writer-director Rich Cristiano. Well, he's aptly named. Yeah. But that one's not good. This is the best crazy born-again movie is Megiddo Code 2. Oh, yeah.

Is that a left-behind film? No. It's with Michael Bane and... Fuck, the guy who was in Three Musketeers, old English actor. Michael York, I want to say. Michael York was in Three Musketeers. I want to say Michael York, but want to say. Michael York was in Three Musketeers. I want to say Michael York, but maybe it's not him.

And he seems like at the point in his life where he would make the Megiddo Code. Yeah, he played the Antichrist. Not Tom York. It wasn't Tom York's first foray into film. I feel isolated. I can't recommend that movie highly enough. I am absolutely, utterly secular in my life. Yeah.

And I certainly have no acting career to speak of. But imagine if I did. Even if they came to me and said, will you play the Antichrist in our Christian propaganda film? I would have to say, yay, sir, I shall do that. Yeah. I think he wrote a book about it, about his experiences doing it. Michael York wrote a book?

About playing the Antichrist? I don't know what it's called, but the movie's worth it. Tig, come on down. We're talking movies and Jesus. Your two favorite things to talk about. Movies and Jesus. They might have asked you back on the Emmys if you sang the things you were saying.

You know what? I'm spending a lot of time outside the Emmys offices singing. Aaron Paul's the handsomest fraggle. What are you going to do? Quick sidebar in Tribulation Force, which was, I think, the third Left Behind movie. Surprising cameo from Jason Jones of The Daily Show. Really? Oh, right. Yes.

He plays a distraught man in church who screams, What's gonna happen? I was very surprised to see him there. Kurt, have you been to the cinema? I think the last time I went was to go see Batman. I don't remember. The Dark Knight Rises. Sure.

Yeah. I think that was the last one I saw. But listen, I liked it. I know a lot of people don't like it. I'm with you on this one. I like it. Yeah. And I feel like I got Bane, his motivation, really well.

You know? Because Bane's whole thing was he wanted to bang Talia al Ghul, you know? And she wanted to just be friends the whole fucking time. And, uh, I might have brought this up before. I'll soothe my pain by buying a nice coat at the Burlington Coat Factory.

Yeah. That's what he did. That fucking coat he has on with the furry collar is just like, are you kidding me? He just takes the coat she walked in with. He takes it off though when he's going to fight. He doesn't want to get blood on that lovely fur.

And finally, Nick Kroll. I saw Wreck-It Ralph, which I thought was fucking awesome. It might be my favorite movie that I saw. Ralph, my man, my main man.

And then one of the characters' name is Candlehead. That shit was so funny. I couldn't figure out that it was Alan Tudyk's, who is the voice of the crazy king. Because he's just doing a... What's his name, John? The guy whose voice he was doing?

Jason Jones from The Daily Show. Yes. Yeah, who is he doing? Because it sounded familiar. That old-timey guy. The guy that talked like this. Edwin. Edwin. It's so funny. I saw that too, actually. Oh, really? Did you like it?

I did. You like candy and cars. I do. You just sounded like a pedophile. Hey kid, you like candy and cars? I know a place that's showing Wreck-It Ralph. You like candy and cars and movies and Jesus? Yeah, how do you feel about Jesus, kid?

Yeah. And your butt is Ralph. That is terrible. No. Thank you. No. That ruined the whole Christian vibe. I feel like a couple people walked out.

That's what the kid said. Wait, ten more walked in. Nick, that's so low. Please stop. That's what I said. That's what he said. Nick, please. You've gone too far.

That's what he said. He says all of these things. You keep, how do you know all these things this kid said? It's so painful what you're doing. That's what I said, weirdly. I'm calling the police. Please sit. Unfortunately, no one says that.

Most molestations go unreported. That's why. That's what the kid said. Show me on me where they touched you. Wait, I feel like I'm getting molested again That's what the kid said Are you the who brought me eggnog last time? Thank you That was very nice of you to do that

No, no more eggnog Do you want some other hard to make? Different kind of mouth maybe what would be really difficult for you to do how about a mojito what is it something frozen could it be not like slush frozen

but like frozen frozen solid could you bring her a block of a block of liquid? And not just like an ice cube, but, you know. Like a frozen vodka? Wait a minute. You sounded like you were going to say another film, Nick Kroll.

I saw the Silver Linings... Playbook. Yeah. Yeah, right? Yeah. Worst title ever. say another film nick kroll uh i saw the silver linings uh playbook yeah yeah right yeah worst title ever yeah what'd you think of the film about in line with the title isn't it weird how it is yeah aspects sure but overall i mean yeah it uh i don't know man it really annoyed like there were parts of that really annoyed me. Yeah, it's just so, I can't, I could not get past Robert De Niro, his character, being so, like, his obsession with the Eagles makes him the single craziest character in the movie. And no one ever tries to put him in a mental institution. No, no, no.

But do you know people from Philly do? Because they kind of all like that. I mean, it's not... We don't need to see a movie about it. Yeah, the accents also. I mean, I kind of appreciated that nobody in the movie had a Philly accent. Because it's like the hardest accent to do.

Where are you from? I was in college or so. I don't quite have it, but it's this real word race. It's like a bagel in the morning. Yeah, it's like a

really weird accent. It's close to a retarded accent. If you want, I mean, there's no better way to put it than that. Philly's one of my

favorite places to play, by the way. Oh, it's a great fucking city. I love Philly. I mean, I'll be there at the Trocadero on Friday night. Oh yeah, you are, right?

So, you know, love the town. Let's talk about places we love to go. Well, for me, it's the movies. Have you seen any movies lately? I saw Skyfail. You didn't like it? It's good. Wait, it's not called that, is it?

People are calling it top three Bond movie of all time. I've heard it was the best. The best of them all. People have said that. Yeah, that guy's yelling yes. Yeah. Or lady, I don't know anymore. It's a different James Bond.

It's a James Bond without all the things that I used to love about James Bond. He don't fuck no more like that, right? What? He's just very respectful to the chick named Pussy from now on. He still gets it. He still does. We don't do a horrible thing to a woman in the movie that's insanely degrading. He doesn't do it to her.

The villain does. But I'm just saying that. But Bond is supposed to do it. That's what we were. His dick is fucking poisonous Like Cause every movie he fucks some girl And then she's dead within a day Like he

Like what is he carrying around inside him We'll be back right after this He like when he's having sex with him He's like, death sentence, baby. Here it is. Good luck in your future. Which won't be till like tomorrow.

The worst one is when he has sex with a girl and then they come in and paint her gold and she dies from that. That was pretty gnarly. That's probably still, to me, if not the best, quite up there, Goldfinger. Yeah. My favorite Bond movie is probably The Spy Who Shagged Me.

You couldn't get through without laughing. And what's his name? Michael York was in those movies. I can't remember what his name was in those movies. Basil Exposition. I was young in the 90s. Man, that first one was funny as hell.

And not that successful in the theaters. Really? It took being on, it was the first movie that really benefited from home rentals so that by the time they made a sequel, there was a huge appetite for it. Wait, who's the guy that threw his shoe, dude? Remember the guy that was supposed to be like the hat-throwing guy, but he threw his shoe? Yeah, he got into some trouble. Yeah, he's in prison for a brutal rape now.

Wait, what? He's in prison for a gentle rape. Well, it's statutory. It was legitimate, that's for sure. But what? Seriously. Some statutorys can be pretty nice. Who are you talking about?

That's what I said. Who? The guy from Goldfinger? No, the guy from Austin Powers who played Random Task. Random Task. Was later put in prison for rape. We'll just leave it at that.

Non-qualified rape. Was it or was it not brutal? It was bad. I believe that it was rape. I don't know any of the other details. Describe it and I will decide if it was brutal. Don't take your kids to rape

at Ralph, by the way. That's a completely different... But go with your wife. Why not? Fun night out. VOD at the very least. Yeah, but

you know, it's just, it's a good movie, but it's, you know, it's I've said this on the podcast before, it's a little dench heavy. Okay. Didn't want too much dench press in that one for you but I like her

I think I'm fine with her they're like so we're gonna you know yeah I know it gets a little bit of dench goes a long way yeah and she's been in a bunch of the movies and you know I get it but I just I don't know the been in a bunch of the movies and you know i i get it but i just i

don't know the theme song was uh one of the worst ones and then you skyfall look out for skyfall it makes no sense and and it's adele singing like what's supposed to be kind of a you know romantic song and then uh but this is the first time i I think, maybe since Doctor No, where they cheat and they put the standard James Bond theme in that song. They couldn't even come up with a song that's completely new. And they don't have the silhouettes of the naked girls during the opening credits. So like 17 minutes goes by before the opening credits in Skyfall. And you're suddenly like, oh shit, yeah, I forgot. They always have to do these in James Bond

movies. And then you sit there for three or four minutes. Skyfall! And then you'll Skyfall. And it's just boring. Go to the bathroom or get your snacks then, is what I'm saying. I got to the movie late, and then I was like, okay, credits.

And I ran to the bathroom, took like a monster D, and then came back. It wasn't a sunny D? It was, unfortunately, the purple stuff. Jesus, Nick. All right, we're way behind schedule. Does anyone hunger for games?

Yeah, let's get to the games. Dig specialty. Let's get to the games. We'll start with one of the games that you love, Tig. And it's called How Much Did This Shit Make? The new... Please be seated. two people love it. The new Twilight motion picture,

Breaking Dawn Part 2, was not, did not make the most money in its opening weekend of all the Twilight films. That record is still held by New Moon, which was I believe the second in the series. How many are there?

There's five. Five? Five. Five movies based on four books. And thank you, Harry fucking Potter, for creating the we're going to split the last book into two movies for the rest of goddamn time. Annoying. So, because especially once you see

the new Twilight movie, that last movie could have been the first 10 minutes of this movie. We could have had, you know, we could have sat there for 10 more minutes and got it all done in one sitting. There's no reason for two movies. And then a four minute credit sequence. Breaking Dawn. It's breaking.

It does though. There's another chance to go to the bathroom and drop a heavy D because the opening, nothing happens in the opening credits of Breaking Dawn. They list a million people. It's like old-fashioned credits, like Pablo Ferro or whatever, but it's... With costume designed by Edith Hidd. Yeah, it's got it all in there,

and each of the letters, each time the name comes up, turn from red to white, every single name, and it's just, okay, great. So you're saying this did not make the most money of the entire series? You know, it may in the long run, but I'm talking opening weekend box office.

New Moon made more. So the question is that I put to the four of you, and we'll let Tig be the first. Or would you rather go last, Tig? I'll go first. Okay. I feel like I know this. How much during the Twilight New Moon,

during its entire domestic run, how much money did it make according to boxofficemojo.com? So just the domestic run. I know what you're doing and I love it. I love you too. So what's your... I know what you're doing and I love it. I love you too. So what's your... What's your bid?

And you could do the classic, you know, you can't go over as the rule, so you could do the classic price is right move and, you know, bid a dollar if you want. What was the question? No, the answer is... Cocky. Is 200 million. And what one is New Moon?

Nichols. I think New Moon was the second one. Where the first one came out and it was a hit, but I think it kind of whiffed a little bit with people that love the books. I could be wrong. And then they announced there's a new director on the second one,

and when it came out, it had a huge weekend. I think. I'm not a Twihard. Well, we felt like it wasn't... true to what was so special. They got a lot of things wrong. They did get a lot of things wrong on that first bit. In terms of the characterization,

they skipped over some important parts. Are they not Mormons in the movie? That was one of many problems. What is the question? How much did that movie make? New Moon. Twilight. New Moon. Domestic. And only Tig can answer.

We'll let John bid now. $200 million and one cent. Not cool, dude. Smart play, bro. Not cool, dude. Hard play, bro. Not cool. Even after I told you backstage that you looked like my father dressed for a funeral. His own.

You may begin to start thinking about how your words affect some people. I hear you. Sorry about that. No problem. Kurt Metzger? Oh, man. I'm bad.

I never keep track of that shit either. No, because we care about the movies, not what they make, right? It's like insider bullshit I don't need to know. Yeah, we're just passionate about film. Thank you, dude. Thank you. We don't even care who's paying for movies. We just want to see them.

Just by the way, for the audience at home, when Tig said that, she sort of waved her hand off this side as if she were passing a fart to the audience. There you go, guys. We just love real movies and passing farts. We don't care about the money. Hey, is anyone going to pass that fart am I going to have to get up and go get it myself quit bull farting Matt

Kurt what do you bid I'm going to say 80 million because that's a number that I've heard associated with movies. You're wrong, by the way. I'm going big. I'm going $453 million. And one cent.

And one goddamn cent. Okay, so who do you guys think won that one? Yeah, it goes to John Hodgman because the gross was $296.6 million. I said $200 million and two cents. I think she said that, actually. Okay, so Tig is our winner. Yeah.

How's my ice coming? I'm ready to celebrate Could I get an American whiskey on the rocks nog, please? What? A King Dad Fazzle thing for you? Is that a frozen drink? For those of you following along at home Wow, this is just like the Emmys

Thank you. The lovely waitstaff here at Gramercy Theatre has just given Tig Notaro a delicious looking frozen concoction. Excuse me. Slushy. It's exactly what she didn't want. But taste it if you don't mind.

I'll try it if you don't mind. I'll try it if you don't want. Perfect. This is what I meant to say. All right, it's time to... You good? It's time to play... Oh, she's up. She's ready to go pick a name tag, I think. You guys want to show us your name tags

for the about-to-happen Leonard Maltin game? Oh, and the house lights come up. Oh, shit. Wait, what's happening? I was just taking a sip of my drink. There's a sign that just says boobs on it. That's a little disrespectful. Wait, why did the lights go back down?

Oh, there they are. Get the generator working so we can get those lights up. We got a Dan in real life. Saying my character's TV show name. I would like iPhone. I gotta go. Guys, saying my character's TV show name will I would like iPhone. I gotta go. Guys, saying my character's TV show name will make me never pick you.

I want Wreck-It Mike because I've already talked about it. Sorry, guys. I would like to pick someone from... Bring it on up, Wreck-It Mike. Yeah, there's people in the balcony, too. I'd like to pick someone from the balcony, but I can't see them very well, so if you would all

just fight each other until one person is left alive. There's been someone screaming down there in the front house right, stage left, with the flashlight. Yes, sir, stand up. What is that? Ma'am, lady. You know I can't tell the gender of people from Detroit. Come on down. You standing up. Come on down.

Did you pick one yet, T? You know, it does seem a little obvious, but I'm going to go ahead and pick the boobs. Yes. seem a little obvious, but I'm going to go ahead and pick the boobs. Yes. I'm going to go with the cassette tape face over here. Eric. Yeah, the guy's got a giant cassette tape face. By the way, I'm now seeing up close

how bad of a Photoshop this job is. Yeah, up close they're disappointing a lot. It's super disappointing. Do you want to trade it in for another one? Photoshop is bad? This record Mike's sign is the silver lining notebook of choices.

You just took boobs? What do you mean I just took boobs? Look at my Photoshop job. Credit to the Photoshop skills. That does look like a piece of cardboard. With a terrible boobs written on look like a piece of cardboard. With a terrible boobs written on it.

I think you like someone mugged a homeless man. Did you even know you were coming to this show? Were you just like... Yeah, maybe he's just outside trying to get some change. I don't know how this works. You really don't know?

No, I do. Oh, he does. He forgot. Get a sense of humor, Doug. But we're going to call you Boobs is your name, because that's what you wrote on there. Boobs is your game. Thanks for coming, Boobs. And you guys can sit down now. That was fun.

Fun selection process. Do we have to hold our things? Yeah. So you're playing for Wreck-It Mike. And then Kurt is playing for the giant cassette tape thing. It says Eric on it. And it looks like it has a joint drawn on it as well. Yeah.

So thank you for that. Next time, bring an actual one. And I'm kidding. You don't have to give me weed. Nine and a half weeks soundtrack. I have the original motion picture to nine and a half weeks on vinyl. Yeah, because that's what everybody loved about that movie.

I love to listen to the scene with the refrigerator. Side one, John Taylor, I do what I do, parents, theme for nine and a half weeks. Closed parents. Do they have the thing where the kid farts the theme song to Jaws?

If the kid is Corey Hart, then yes. And this was donated by Mayor? Am I? Yeah, Mayor. Oh, Corey Hart's song in that soundtrack is I also wear my sunglasses during the day. Do you know what the Corey Hart song in the soundtrack is called?

Uh-oh. Eurasian Eyes. Oh. Of course. That guy really kept it about optometry. That's a song about Vladimir Putin. And what's the name of the person who made that nine and a half weeks? Adrian Lyne.

No, the name tag. Who are you playing for? No, it's Adrian Lyne. No, the name tag. Who are you playing for? No, it's Adrian Lyne. That's what I'm saying. Adrian Lyne is up there. He's in the crowd tonight? Mayor, I already said mayor. Oh, okay.

A young lady from Detroit or somewhere else. Named Mayor. Named Mayor. Okay. Right? Mayor of Detroit. Mayor.

Sorry. Why did you bring something with Mayor Winningham in it? Because your name is different That's why She's her own person And Tig is playing for boobs And I didn't catch your name

Boobs His name is boobs, come on This is what I like to do That's hard, can you hold this? Of course Big payoff Boobs I like to do. That's hard. Can you hold this? Of course. Big payoff. Boobs.

Please be seated. Boobs. Boobs. Please stand up. So we will start with Tig. And then we'll move, keep it simple, move in the direction of from John to Kurt to Nick. So Tig gets to pick the first category.

First player to two points is our winner. Come on. Wait, what game are we playing? The Leonard Moulton game. The LMG. Yippity-yippity-y. At Mike McCabe Sad. Oh.

Yeah, that's his Twitter handle. He suggested Indiana Bones. And that's movies where Harrison Ford has sex. Oh, that's a good one. Maybe you shouldn't be so sad, Mike. Don't be so sad, Mike McCabe. And then, at WonkaBar23, suggested Wreck-It Mouth,

and that's films that feature cast members from the TV show Happy Days. Wreck-It Mouth. That's funny. And then your third choice, Tig Notaro, which I'm afraid you might not choose, so I'm going to skip that one and I'll come back to it. The King of Pancakes category,

which is the number one movie 10 years ago to this very day at the box office. I know you're not into box office results. You might want to go with Indiana Bones or Wreck-It Mouth. Yeah, see, I feel like I'm leaning towards Wreck-It Mouth. Mouth? Or mouth? Mouth. Mouth.

Just because I've seen Happy Days. I always wanted to do a little internet series called Joanie Loves Chachkis. And every episode... I have a feeling Aaron Gray is available for that. Aaron Moran.

Oh, excuse me, Aaron Moran. Yeah, Aaron Gray was from Buck Rogers. But Aaron Moran is currently very homeless. She loves meth. I just saw her outside with a carboyed scientist's boobs on it. Aaron, if you're listening. I just saw her outside with a cardboard scientist's boobs on it. Aaron, if you're listening, every episode we find you just,

you turn to the camera and go, oh, I love this one. No, this is my favorite. No, this one's my favorite. And then Chachki walks in and says, what's going on? No, Chachi. I'm sorry. Anyway, Joni loves Chachki. Yeah, that'd be ridiculous to have a character named Chachki.

But also, Aaron, if you're listening to this, maybe sell your iPod and get yourself in rehab. I don't know. They're taking iPods at the door. Does she

need to be rehabbed? I don't know. I think she has psychological problems. Yeah. And she's here tonight. She was going to be. That's why we had that extra chair out here at the beginning. She canceled.

Okay, so you're going to go with Wreck-It-Mouth? Mm-hmm. Okay. Thanks. This motion picture that I'm sure Tig Notaro is completely unfamiliar with was released in 1982. Leonard Maltin gives it one and a half stars. Yeah, not a fan.

He says an attractive cast is wasted. I think he means misused, not that they were high at the time. And he also says it was followed by a sequel, this movie. And he lists eight names. How many names do you think you can get it in? Tig Notaro, number one Leonard Maltin game player in the history of the show. On the, you know, the worst list. How many guesses?

Just say eight names. What do you mean, say eight names? Say, I can name it in eight names and try to be confident and maybe do that arm thing you did earlier. I can name it in eight names. Yes. Now we go to John Hodgman. Name that movie.

So what, now I have to name that movie? He understands. I'm going to give you all eight names. I'm going to read off the entire cast that is listed by Leonard Maltin. I shouldn't have done the hand motion. Way too much confidence there. How am I going to get my boobs? I should have made you go first.

But yeah, so you get all eight names. And maybe it'll spark something. Most likely. For many people in this room, it will. And a lot of people will be unsure, because it is from 1982. And your eight names are... Would you like to hear the clues again? No.

Your eight names are... They were good-looking. It was 1982. Wasted. They were good looking. It was 1982. Wasted. They were good looking and wasted, yes. And your eight names are Sue Ann Langdon, Scatman Crothers,

Haven't seen him around in a while. You ever run into old Scatman Crothers? Greg Bradford, the great Greg Bradford. Robert Mandan. Hmm. Now, here's where people... The name's Mandan. What?

Here's where people might know. So, keep it to yourself if you do. That's how it works, boobs. Don't keep it to yourself. Heather Thomas. Ah, okay. Felice Schachter. See, these are the giveaways, right?

Willie Ames. Oh. And from Happy Days, I got it. Chachki himself. Yeah. Scott Baio. The name of the movie.

You know what it is. The name of the motion picture is... She really picture is there was a sequel to this film? yes Charles and George the movie right? can you give me the first word in the movie? no you should know it tie

was the sequel the same movie but with two exclamation points? that would be awesome if there was. Wow, he knew there was an exclamation point. They don't give a little stuff about it. I feel like I do. I'll look it up as soon as we're done.

Did they show this on TV? Now, you know how I feel about follow-up questions. I don't. I love them. No, it's never. Yeah, it's been on TV. Movies show on TV. Yeah, it's been on TV.

Movies show on TV. Some never made it to regular television, like Caligula. Let me rephrase this question. That's pretty much the only one. Scott Baio was in a movie. What was the movie he was in? I saw this movie. I did see this movie.

I don't know what it was called. What was it about? Yeah, what was it about? Was it about, like, sports? A little bit, yeah. About a president. What? Wait.

Why a little bit? Goes to the theater Emancipates the slaves Scott Baio Lincoln Was he wearing jeans And a jean jacket? Does that count as getting it?

Was he dressed like me? Yeah, I was going to say Okay, point goes to John Hodgman What is it called? The most expensive girl It's called Zapped I saw that I really did

You would never forget it if you saw it It's kind of a telekinesis movie. Isn't there some telekinetic sexual molestation that goes on in that movie? That's all that goes on. I think so, yeah. It's right on the cover. They're stripping a woman through a window. Yeah, it's a lot of tearing girls' clothes off with his mind.

It's pretty sweet. But I want to look up Zapped 2 and see what that was about. Leonard might not have even bothered with Zapped 2. Was Scott Baio in Zapped 2? I don't think so, no. I think they moved on with Teen Wolf or whatever. Yeah, Zapped 2 didn't even, if that's what it's called. Zapped again?

Okay, here we go. And who was in it? Who was in it? User of smartphones? Zapped again. No results from the Leonard Maltin app, so he didn't think it was worth bothering with. He mentioned it in the review of Zapped, but who was in it? Who played the lead?

Does anybody know? Adrian Zamed. Adrian Zamed? Adrian Zamed. That sounds about right. That sounds like a reasonable replacement. Always the second Chachi. Okay. So, John Hodgman got the point.

That means we're going to start with... Congrats, John. We're going to start with Kurt Metzger. I don't like that. This next round. And then we're going to move in the direction of John Hodgman. So, Nick, you may never get in this. That's fine with me. Kurt, would you like...

I believe he's here tonight. Is Asparagus P here tonight? There he is. Yay, Asparagus P! Asparagus P? Yeah, his name on Twitter is Asparagus and then the letter P. And the first time I did this category,

I called him Asparagusp. And then he had to explain to me how truly clever it was that he called himself Asparagusp. And then he had to explain to me how truly clever it was that he called himself asparagus P. And the category is full review. That's where I read the entire review. And then we start the bidding. So it becomes more of a game

of who can name the most cast members. And then your next choice would be in theaters now. That's motion pictures that are in theaters now. And then finally, your third option would be Pig in a Blanket. And that's movies where Kevin Bacon has sex. Very good. That's very good.

Wow. Which one of those would you like? The full review or In Theaters Now or Kevin Bacon? Hey, Mike, you should be sad that you did not come up with that. I'm going to go full review. But that Kevin Bacon one seems like a good one. But full review, I'll go. He's doing the asparagus pea category, ladies and gentlemen.

Hear, hear. Let's hope we don't even drag Tig into this because she has no idea what's happening right now. And then I'm supposed to name cast member? How does it work? I have no idea. Hang on, I'll tell you. Okay.

No, you decide. How's it going to work? I'm going to read everything except for I'm not going to name names. And then I'm going to tell you how many names there are and then we start the bidding and some of you on the panel will already know the answer to

what this movie is. Okay. From 1975, Leonard Maltin gives it four stars and I completely agree. He says, a rare case of bubblegum story scoring as a terrific movie.

The story. New England shore community is terrorized by shark attacks. What? Local cop who I mentioned earlier this evening. An ichthyologist and a salty shark expert determined to kill the attacker.

Who's ever called a shark an attacker? Come on? Come on, Len. The ocean is full of attackers. And then Len says, hold on to your seats! Exclamation point, just like at the end of Zapped. Screenplay by Benchley and Gottlieb.

Three Oscars include John Williams' now classic score, Verna Field's sensational editing, Benchley has a cameo as a reporter on the beach, followed by three sequels, starting, of course, with Zapped again.

And Leonard lists eight names, so you can say these following things. You can ask for names, but I think you already know what the movie is. So you can say, I can name it in zero names, because you know the movie. But then we're going to go to John Hodgman, and he can go into negative names. So you might want to start in the negative names, which is

you have to name how many people you think you can name from the top of the cast list, going down, in the correct order, as listed by the capricious Leonard Maltin. So, if you say negative one, you have to name who you think got top billing. If you say negative two, you have to name two people,

etc. He can bid more after you do. Oh, shit. Go as high as you can, which is, of course, my motto. Do you know what movie it is? Hint, it's American Graffiti.

All right. Fuck, I know negative two for sure, but I can't remember the... I'll say negative two. Negative three. You motherfucker. So now we go to Tig. And council would

like to advise you if that's okay. What just happened? You're done. You're not completely done. How did I get involved? Could I have just said the name of the movie in one? No. I don't understand this game at all. Erica, I mean, obviously.

It has to be in order, right? Yes, it has to be in the correct order. So Tig, since you can't name the movie and negative four names, your only other option would be to say John Hodgman. I would like to leave, yes. Just say John Hodgman. Name that movie. Is what I recommend you say, right?

Right now. John Hodgman. What? Name that movie. I shall. The movie is called... Jaws. And the top three performers in order are... Here's where it gets tricky.

Yeah. Who gets second billing in Leonard Maltin's warped mind? I think there can be only one answer. Top billing, Roy Scheider. Second billing, Robert Shaw. Third billing, Richard Dreyfuss. That is correct. Wow.

Oh, wow. I would have said Dreyfus first, dude. I would have been wrong. Everyone would have because Richard Dreyfus is still alive. Yeah. I couldn't remember Robert's role. And he played Tootsie. See, I do know some things.

I love the jaunty angle of your arms right now. What about the shark? Bruce. Bruce the shark. Yeah, he doesn't list Bruce. Fuck Malton. Yeah. But who's the fourth billing on Malton, may I ask?

Or have you already moved on? Sure you can. Just out of curiosity. You can, absolutely. I'll look it up. Do you want to guess? Probably the lady, right? And I can't remember her name.

Yeah, because she was only in Jaws movies. Well, no, but yeah, and then she was in Jaws the Revenge. One other thing, yeah. Lorraine Gary. Lorraine Gary. Lorraine Newman. Jaws the Revenge was awesome

because the sharks that die, the family of the sharks that died in the first movie swim to the Bahamas to attack the same people. Because sharks are social creatures that live in pods and share a language so they can communicate to one another who they hate.

So John Hodgman is our winner, ladies and gentlemen. Congrats, John. It feels wrong. Nice job, Nick Kroll. Thank you. It feels wrong. Let's play one more round

and let you start just so you get to play. Thank you. For funsies. Would you like the Below Zilch category, which is Doug Loves Guests. This is movies that feature a guest from this panel here on stage tonight.

Or You Only Live 23 Times. That's all of the Bond movies. James Bond. Or at Hulkarino suggested In Theater's Hey Now, which is the films of

Jeffrey Tambor. Wow. Or Gary Shandling. Tambor or Shandling. I just based off audience, obviously. They like it, right? So I'll choose something else.

No, I'll do all in theaters, hey now. Okay. Wait a minute, I don't like how Gary Shandling was tossed in at the end of that category. Like Jeffrey Tambor deserves his own fucking category. Yes! You know what I mean? Like, you don't need to mix it up with Gary Shandling.

Jeffrey Tambor is a national treasure. That's all I'm going to say. If it were Tamborini... Plus, Gary Shandling has been in two fucking movies, Iron Man 2 and Town and Country, and no, there's one where he plays an alien or some dumb thing. Wait, so that's how we're going to play from now on? You're just going to list all the possibilities?

John, I'm very grateful for your hubris. Well, I'm very sorry, but I'm angry. I support that. I can tell by your voice. We can tell by the timbre of your voice. Whoa. You don't need to make it tricky with Gary Shandling.

Tambor is good enough. Yeah. Well, if it was Tambor's birthday, I would go that route, but I'm trying to have categories that are more complicated than just one actor, you know, like the James Bond category. Okay, so... I apologize for ruining that category. Oh, no, that's...

You haven't ruined it, because I can adjust. You're adaptable. Rune. I don't know what that means. Well, you're like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. Life finds a way. It's the low-key time traveler back again.

Life eats some goats. Back again from 93. Nick Kroll. This motion picture with Jeffrey Tambor or Gary Shandling in it gets one and a half stars from Leonard Maltin.

It's from the year 2000. It was predicted on Conan O'Brien. Leonard calls this movie a cheerless bastardization. Wow. Is it Prince Harry? All right, good night, guys. Thank you. And he also calls it loud and cluttered.

Loud and cluttered. And I've never, hardly ever, agreed with Leonard Moore. Although one and a half stars is pretty generous with that description. And he lists eight people, eight folks involved in this onscreen, in some way or fashion. How many? Oh, wait. I can name it in eight.

So you pretty much have no idea what it is and you want all the names. I'll name it in six. So you pretty much don't know what it is. I pretty much just want to play the game. But you think six names are enough

to take you over the top? Yeah. Okay. Yep. Not playing for logic here. Let's go to Kurt since he didn't get to play much either. I will say seven. Okay. See you around. Let's go to seven. Okay, so you're out.

Let's go to... That's what John did. You have to go less than six. I've never understood one goddamn game on this show every time I've been on a fucking show. I've never understood one. Let me explain it to you. Oh, God. Please.

What part is confusing him? I don't know. Really, though, give me a specific question, and I will walk you through it. I can give you six questions. I can answer this in eight questions. You're still doing it wrong. It's less.

You have to bid less now. Oh. Then I bid five You have to bid less now. Oh. Then six names. Five names is reasonable. Yeah. John Hodgman? I feel I've said enough. You're going to refuse yourself? Come on, Judge. You can play. My competitive nature is getting the better of me.

I'll say four names. Now we're back to T. This was to get Nick and Kurt involved. It's not going to work out that way. I'll be honest. I don't know what to do. I don't know how this game works.

Just say, I can name it in zero names. Calm down. I can name this in zero names. Okay, Nick. Negative one. Whoa. Oh. I kind of get it now.

I'll be honest. We're back to the negatives again, Kurt. So you of get it now. I'll be honest. We're back to the negatives again, Kurt. So you can go negative two if you think you know the name of the movie and the top two people in the motion picture. So you have to ask for Nick to name it and hope that he is bluffing. Go for it, Nick.

I am dying to know what movie this is. Very well. What's the film called, Nick? The Gary Shandling Story. And who's name number one? Who's name number one? Jeffrey Tambor. That's correct.

Wow. Was it? I don't get it. I love that there's going to be at least a few people listening to think that you just got that right. I did think that. I thought that there's going to be at least a few people listening to think that you just got that right. I did think that. I thought that also.

I was like, wow. I was easily convinced by you dropping the mic. I'm so confused. There was a Gary Shandling story? Starring Jaws. It's a great story. It's a great story. It's about a guy who had a couple different popular programs.

No, the motion picture is called, and so Tig, you win this round. And I tell her she always wins at some point. The motion picture is called How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Yeah, Jeffrey Tambor.

That was a beautiful harmony. That was a bastardization. Yeah, Jeffrey Tambor is one of the who's in Whoville, where at one point in the film they're having a party and people can be seen throwing keys into a bowl. Really? Yeah, the who's were swingers, you guys. The who's were

total fucking swingers. Can I sell my drink? You think there's someone that would like to buy it? Anybody want to buy this? It looks delicious. I don't know, like $12? I'd give it away for $12. Negative one.

Just let me know. It's going to be right here. Just looking delicious. It now looks like a drink from the Fifth Element. Something like in the Star Wars bar? Yeah, for sure. Whoopi Goldberg served that to you on the Enterprise.

I kind of like how I just reenacted the Star Wars bar. The body language was uncanny. Is there a shithead in the back of your thing here? Nope. And how about on the back of the album? There is, and I know what it is. Okay, I'll just grab it.

Hello. Hello. Oh, there it is. Really? Okay. So we need the Wreck-It Mike and Eric with the cassette face to just come and scribble here on this piece of paper somebody you'd like me to call a shithead. Plugs.

Nick Kroll, we know about your touring schedule, that you'll be back here on Thursday. I'm going to meet the Wilbur in Boston on Wednesday the Trocadero in Philly on Friday and when can we look forward to watching the Nick Kroll show on television January 16th on Comedy Central

nice Bobby Bottle Service which you can always remember because January 16th is my mother and father's birthday So you'll never forget that Always a special day for me Your father

Kurt Metzger Makes sense why you were wearing that outfit Oh yeah, I remember that Kurt Metzger, do you have anything to plug? Yeah, you can watch Inside Amy Schumer, a show that Tig and I wrote for and are on, coming out in April. Very nice.

And Mr. Hodgman. We'll be performing with Al Madrigal of The Daily Show and Adam Lowett this Friday. What is the date today, the 26th? So that would be, what's this Friday? What's the date this Friday? 30th. 30th.

The 30th in Ames, Iowa. And then, hang on, it gets more glamorous. And then the next day, Saturday Saturday in Coral Springs Florida but then I'll be at the Bell House on December 21st waiting for the World Day and listen to his podcast

Judge John Hodgman Judge John Tig number one your album on the comedy charts On iTunes Number one In the US, Canada, Portugal, Greece

It's called Live It is called Live Wait, specifically Portugal and Greece? My album has Oh, finish your bit No, no, go ahead Go on, Nick. No, I'll do my bit afterwards

and it'll be worse. I know it's number one in Portugal because I did the Portuguese dubbing for your album. Did you know that? My album was only in Portuguese. Yeah, I have an album out

called Live and it's number one. That's the qualification to listen to it, is you have to live. That's right. And like I said, it's number one, and you're working on the Amy Schumer show. Well, I also have a podcast, Professor Blastoff. Oh, that's right, Professor Blastoff. Yes.

And we're going to be doing a national tour, so... Come check that out out So there's that Yeah Wait why do I care who John Hodgman's shithead is He won right Wait what do I do with this Yeah we need boobs shithead We need a shithead from you boobs

Come on boobs Can I do my bit now It's going to be worth it It's totally worth it now I'll set you up Come on, Boone. Yeah, come on down. Can I do my bit now about your iTunes? Yeah, do the bit. It's going to be worth it. It's totally worth it now. So I don't have to say. I'll set you up. My album's been number one in the US, Canada, Portugal, Greece.

So it's North America and countries on the verge of default. See, worth it, right, guys? Let's do it again. Yeah, let's see how it goes this time. How's your album doing? Number one. Yeah, pretty... It's not available on Louis C.K.'s site anymore, though.

It's iTunes. Do you guys have a falling out? Do you have a falling out? Huge falling out. No. It's just available on iTunes and Amazon. And there will be a hard copy available soon also. What's going to look like?

What will the hard copy look like? What's the hard copy going to look like? What kind of hard copy? Like a CD or like a... A compact discus. Okay. And also vinyl. Come get your bag, Mayor.

You should do it. Not your appearance on hard copy. Huh? Not your appearance on the TV show hard copy. I will be on hard Copy. Huh? Not your appearance on the TV show Hard Copy. I will be on Hard Copy. Congratulations, Mayor. Did you want to buy my drink? Mayor.

Mayor. It's only... Mayor. Mayor. Mayor. Mayor. Mayor. Mayor.

Mayor. Mayor. Mayor. Mayor. Mayor. Don't have a drink. $12. You're homeless?

Oh, we'll give her that sign then. Oh my gosh. Erin Moran, ladies and gentlemen. $12 or? I'll take it. Wait, give that to Bane. It's a Burlington Code Factory card. What's the value?

Maybe it's like eight bucks. There you go. That's eight. Can we get four more dollars? Tate really wants $12 for her drink. You handed it to John, he handed it to me, and then I handed it to your hobo friend.

Did you know hobo comes from hoboken? Is that so? That is so. John wrote an almost whole book about hobos. And he didn't know that. No, that card was only $8. I said my drink was $12. wrote an almost whole book about hobos. And he didn't know that. No, that card was only $8. I said my drink was

$12. Wait, why do you want this drink so desperately? Why don't you just steal the drink? What's Dick going to do about it? You know what? Still $12. It's yours. Go on.

Yay! Question? I'll take two questions. No, she's trying to high five you. Alright, sit down, ladies. No, right there. Yeah, right there.

Just drop it like it's hot. Oh, right there. Yeah, right there. Just drop it like it's hot. Oh, my plugs. I'll be interrupting Robocop and Dirty Dancing at the Sunray Cinemas in Jacksonville, Florida on January 4th and 5th, and I'll be doing stand-up at the Orlando Improv January 3rd. And thanks again to all of my guests, Nick Kroll, Kurt Metzger,

Judge John Hodgman, and Tig Notaro. No Taro, Liv, Liv, Liv, Boobs. And I don't have to say it, but Mayor wanted me to call Charlize Theron a shithead. So thank God I didn't do that. But the other three people picked pretty good shithead. So thank God I didn't do that. And, um, but the other three people picked pretty good shitheads. As always, Grover Norquist is a shithead. Chris Breezy is

a shithead. That's what I call him. Chris Brown. And, uh, Drake, as always, is a shithead. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie eyes of gold his viewing prowess makes him cocky there's no room

in his heart for you cause Doug loves movies