Doug Loves Movies - Tom Arnold and Dax Shepard Guest

Episode Date: August 22, 2009

Doug is joined by Hollywood stars Tom Arnold and Dax Shepard.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers screaming baby sticky seeds With 50 azipop or kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves movies Hey everybody Was there a second there when you thought I might not show up or something? That was scary. There's seats back there in the back row in the corner for you.

Enjoy it. I'm seating people in the audience now. I'm such a hands-on performer. I sat everyone that's here. We're at the UCB Theater, Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, as it's called for the long version. I call it the UCB Theater, so do a lot of other people. We're right before Comedy Death Ray, also known as CDR. So I'm going to get to the guests in a second here, but I just really quickly want to read something that I found today. This was sent to me in

2006. So somebody had a lot of faith in me and my career and thought that I could star in a motion picture and he went to the trouble, I'm not going to say his name but this gentleman on MySpace sent me a script but only the first page or two of it the first scene, this is the first scene from a script that is intended to star me.

It starts like this. Fade in from black. Now I'm reading this, I'm going, this guy knows what he's doing. Then it says, opening credits along with opening music. He's really on his game.

Music is bassoon music And then it says in parentheses next to bassoon music In case you didn't know what bassoon music was Sluggish loser music Alright, so let me set it up for you before I continue reading Doug is waking up out of bed. Doug goes to the bathroom. He has the look of a scruffy 30-something-year-old man.

He starts... I have the look of a scruffy. I look scruffy. No, it's all fake. He starts running his bathwater and then pours bubble bath in the tub. Like I said, this guy knows my shit. I like a nice bubble bath in the tub. Like I said, this guy knows my shit. I like a nice bubble bath. He looks in the mirror while waiting for the tub to fill up and starts sucking in his gut and making porno star faces.

Then he gets in the tub and takes his palm pilot off the toilet seat and dials up some Asian porn. What indeed, sir? He dials up some Asian porn and starts masturbating in the tub. Because that is how it's done in this day and age. You get your palm pilot

and get in the tub and dial up some Asian porn. While into it, he starts saying, now I've got some dialogue, oh yeah, you like that shit, bitch, yeah. Oh, you so horny. Papa-san is horny too. This goes on for a while.

This goes on for way too long. He mentions Saigon, and it looks like I'm gonna, you know, have an orgasm, and then there's a loud knock at the door. From behind the door, we hear Doug's mom. What's going on in there? That's not what she sounds like.

That's how she's written. And I say, nothing, Ma. Just taking a shower. Which is already like, what? There's no water running. You drew a bath, you dumbass. Then she says, well, hurry the hell up. I have to use the toilet.

I've had the squirts all night. So this guy knows my sense of humor. Then I say, all right, Ma, let me dry off. And then it says, whispering, Jesus fucking Christ. Then she says, taking a shower of my ass. How old are you again? Still taking baths? So now I'm starting to get a little insulted by this script.

Because it captures me and my mother so well. And then it says that I try to put on a towel and then she says, hurry up again. And I says, I am, I am. And then this is the best part. Doug wraps a towel around himself, leaves the bathroom, closes the door behind him.

And then we see Doug's face with a disappointing look. As from behind the door, we hear Doug's mother unload a thunderous fart and shit splatter. This is the best line of the one scene he sent me. Doug then shakes his head as if humiliated. As if humiliated. It's just me and my mom at home. What do I care if she has a thunderous shit splat? Oh, mom.

I would more shrug like, what are you going to do? Rather than total humiliation. My guests tonight... Yeah, there are guests. Let me pull out my time piece so we can keep this thing running on schedule. We got two terrific guests.

Last weekend I was at the UCB Marathon, the Del Close Marathon at UCB in New York. It was a lot of fun and we recorded a half hour episode of the show, or at least we thought we did. The tape turned out, it sounds so shitty that I don't know if I'm going to present it on iTunes or not for people to listen to. The guests were Matt Besser, Matt Walsh, and Horatio Sands, all like, you know, Upright Citizens Brigade original dudes.

So, we'll see how many comments I get on the internet about people wanting to hear that, but I'm sad to say that the audio turned out shitty on it. And we'll see what happens. But this show is being

recorded perfectly and people are going to enjoy it with their ears, especially since my guests are two very funny gentlemen they met on the show Punk'd, and they've been friends ever since. Please welcome Dax Shepard and Tom Arnold, you guys.

Yeah, that's right. Real guests on a real show. Tom's wearing a lovely purple and white pinstripe number. It's very pleasurable. Why'd you have to take your phone out? What's going to happen with your phone? You saw you took yours out. I took mine out to keep track of the time.

It's the only time piece I own. But I could sit down with mine in my pocket. It'd hurt my nut. Oh, okay. It did. Hi, Dax. Now, do you typically describe what you're seeing for the podcast listeners? I try to.

Did you say that I have a cowboy hat on? Dax is wearing a cowboy hat. Thank you for noticing my cowboy hat. And how is Urban Cowboy 2 coming along? You know, we've had some hiccups. We hired a guy that wrote this to do some punch-up work on it. And now I go take a horse ride

and I splatter shit on my saddle. You hired the guy that wrote to you on MySpace? And you splatter shit all over his saddle? But your mom replaced Debra Winger in it, which I think is a better choice. This kid is one note. And do you know what my movie was called, this movie I was going to star in? It was called Lotto Man.

I'm like, why call it that if the only thing that happens in the scene you send is people in a bathroom? Right, right. Sounds like I'm in a lottery. Yeah, it doesn't sound like you're hitting the lotto. Doug, do we have to do the movies people send us online?

No, no, no. Oh, shit. I didn't know that. I've been doing that for five years. That explains Big Bully. Yeah, exactly. And the stupids. And Carpool.

That was the first script ever sent online. Yes. Big Bully. Big Bully. Follow the Stupids. And Carpool. That was the first script ever sent online. Yes. Big Bully. Big Bully. Followed by McHale's Navy. Hey, will you do this? Yes. Sure.

Yeah. Would you say followed by what? McHale's Navy. Yes. They all came out the same weekend. Classic. It was a great weekend. Classic, right?

I remember my agent was like, it can't get any lower than the Stupids. It could. I said to Tom once, I said, how much did McHale's Navy make? And he said, five million. But more importantly, it costs 40 million. Yeah. And I got five million.

It made about 300,000. But who cares about that? They recouped your fee. Yeah, they recouped. Maybe. How do I not get offered movies? You met on Punk'd? Yeah.

Is that really where you met? He was in an episode met on Punk'd? Yeah. That's really where you met? He was in an episode. Being Punk'd? No. Or helping? No. Helping. The bit was that we were trying to find an assistant for Tom Arnold.

No, no, that's not it. For Ashton. For Ashton. And then Ashton happened to live next door to Tom Arnold, who would come over while the assistant was on her own. It would be a total pest. Let me just say this about Ashton. I met him. He was going to the University of Iowa. own. Let me just say this about Ashton. I met him.

He was going to the University of Iowa. I just want to remind you, this is recorded. Yes. I don't give a shit. You're the one that has to suck his balls. Wait! Oh, dear! So he came up to me. I was in a crowd of people. His balls are tastier than Arnold Schwarzenegger's. I'd rather be sucking a young,

gorgeous man's balls than Arnold Schwarzenegger's. Fucking hit Arnold's or titanium. Okay. Exactly. That's a metallic taste. Anyway. We're totally off topic. Ashton came out. I was at the airliner, which is this bar in Iowa City.

I was back for a football game and this kid kind of broke through the crowd and goes, Hey, my name's Ashton and I'm going to go to Hollywood and be an actor. He said I was like, Yeah, good luck. And so he's really pissed off about that, except, check this out. He goes to Hollywood and meets a much more famous older woman, hooks up with her, steals my game. Yeah, he copied you. Except for the fact that Demi is really good looking.

He's 12 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nearly identical. He stole your game. You look like Demi Moore. He looking. She's 12 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nearly identical. He stole your game. He stole your game by having like a hit TV show and a lot of starring roles under his belt before hooking up with the older lady. Yeah, and Roseanne does look like Demi in Iowa.

You're like the Benjamin Button of... Thank you. Benjamin Button of his romances. Not to bring it down, but the day that I worked with Dax on Punk'd was the

day the Challenger crashed, and I thought, oh, good, I don't have to go to work today. I mean, I didn't know. I was terrible

that the Challenger crashed, but I thought, oh, I don't have to. Are we going to work? It doesn't seem too funny.

You know Doug's uncle was the pilot of the Challenger. Yeah, we did it. Nobody knew about it. I was the first person to wait down. I did not's uncle was the pilot of the Challenger. Yeah, we did it. Nobody knew about it. I was the first person to wait down. I did not know until you just said that the Challenger crashed. I went and told everybody the fucking Challenger crashed.

Do we still have to shoot this shit? I thought it was a bit. Yeah, it was like 9-11. I was like, that's a weird point. He tries to get out of every job. No, no, no. The SS Reagan just sank in the Pacific. No, no, no, here's the deal.

This is the difference between me and you, Doug. I'm an addict. So when I saw 9-11 happening... Wait, that's not a difference. You're just a sober addict. You see 9-11 is terrible, and it keeps going and going, and it was a Tuesday, and I had my men's group, and I started thinking, hey, wait

a minute, this thing looks like it's going to keep going. I better get down to MacArthur Park. It could be a snow day. You know, the world may end. I don't want to be the last guy to get some blow. Unfortunately, the world did not end. I didn't know snow day meant the day you could get blow.

You never thought that, too. No, I completely thought that. In fact, I carry a little stash of coke in my sock on airplane rides, just in case it starts to go down. Do you think that's why Chevy Chase agreed to star in Snow Day? Do you think he thought he was being offered a day of cocaine? Yeah. It turned out to be a comedy with Chris Elliott and a bunch of kids. I didn't even know about that one.

I didn't either. It seems like my agent would have said, there's a movie called Snow Day. Why didn't we get that? Why didn't we get that? It was very popular, but you had to get out of school to see it. When you said Snow Day,

I was immediately picturing the... Cuba Goody. Cuba Goody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. After he won the Academy Awards. Snow Dogs. Snow Dogs. What do you think he thought that was?

Yeah. He did it backwards, too. He won the Academy Awards, and then he played that guy that was mentally challenged. Right, right, right. You've got to do that, and then you get the Academy Award. And then you... He flipped the script. Yeah, yeah.

He said, I've got my Oscar. Now I'm going to play a retard in a way that ruins everything for me for the rest of my life. Now, had he been retarded in Snow Dogs, that would have been a blockbuster. A retarded guy on the... One of the dogs was retarded. What was his name in the... Radio. Radio. Radio.

But he committed to that. After day two, you're like, oh, fuck. Oh, no. It's too late. He should have fun with it now, though. He should do Radio Goes it now, though. He should do, like, radio goes to prison. Yeah.

You know, radio goes to prison. That's pretty much the only one he needs to do. How awesome would that be? And then radio goes to prison two and three. Well, I want to say that we do, Dax and I do a lot of charity stuff. One of the things, I do a lot of stuff for the Special Olympics, and it's always great. And then I remember when Barack Obama made that comment on Leno, and he made a comment about Leno about bowling.

Oh, yeah, Special Olympics. And so I talked to Tim Schreiber, and he's like, yeah, maybe we could get a couple of our best athletes, because the bowlers, the best Special Olympic athletes could kick your ass. They kick our ass. I've competed against them. They're really good. But I just said, hey, and then I'll add that I was just in Japan,

and how fun, you know, because our thing is, you can't, we're all the same. And I said, especially in Japan, because I couldn't tell the difference between the people that were helping and the Special Olympic athletes, because they looked the same. Right. And then Tim Schreiber's like, that sounds terrible.

That sounds sort of racist. But you meant to say that they didn't look special needs, not that Japanese people look special needs. No, I meant they look like this because of their eyes. They all look the same. Oh, you said that. Yeah, I mean, I obviously couldn't tell. And that didn't help? I go up to. No, I meant they look like this because of their eyes. They all look the same. I honestly couldn't tell. I go up to a kid and I go, hey, good job,

buddy. He goes, I'm the helper. I go, okay, you, good job. But what it means is, we're all the same. Joel, my assistant, told me never to tell that story again. Yeah, and you should start just going up to him saying, are you retarded or Asian or both? Mentally challenged, we call it.

We call it mentally challenged. Retarded American. I went to school with a lot of retarded Americans. By the way, he was there. He was there. He heard it all happen. He tried to get me out of it. He goes, yeah.

I want to know who's more angry in the audience, the retarded people or the Asians? Who do you think is more offended to be? Fortunately, the mentally handicapped don't come out to my shows. They come to mine all the time. They bring their medals. When I was at Caroline's last week, they do.

I go, what's your job here? He goes, making food. I go, you know what your job is? It's to laugh at me. He goes, if you're funny. That's the thing about them. They're so damn honest. They're very literal. By the way, Asians, you can't... The thing. You know, that's the thing about them. They're so damn honest. They're very literal. Yeah, and by the way, Asians, you can't, the thing I learned about Asians is you can't offend them. You're lumping all Asians together.

We're going to take a deep breath before you finish the thing about Asians. We don't just call them Asians. We call them mentally Asians. No, no. You can't lump Filipino people in with people from Okinawa or people from Japan because they're all different.

And that's why Filipinos get really mad when you think they're Korean. I found out that at the massage parlor down by the airport. Wait, you called your masseuse by the wrong ethnicity? Yes, yes. That would be the thing to get offended by. I know, actually. She was jacking Tom Arnold off. How dare you. That would be the thing to get offended by. I know, actually. Jacking Tom Arnold off. She wasn't jacking.

How dare you? I'm candy. She was working the middle chakra. Do you just go in and say to those ladies, have you seen the movie Happy Ending?

Have you seen it? Exactly. By the way. Have you seen that? Tom is terrific in that. Oh, I was. I hate to get serious here. Yeah, Maggie Gyllenhaal.

I mean, it's a great bunch of people. I'm shocked I was in it. Y'all should rent that. That's really good. I made an assumption that no get serious here. Yeah, Maggie Gyllenhaal. I mean, it was a great bunch of people. I was shocked I was in it. Y'all should rent that. That's really good. I made an assumption that no one saw it. Did you hear that? Yeah, well, a lot of people did see it.

You guys should check that out. Don Roose is a great writer. He's a happy ending. Don Roose is a great writer. Oh, those are all of our family we brought. Not enough. It's Don Roose, the director, is in the audience. Yeah, he wouldn't even applaud.

No, the writer-director, he's great. He's great. I was very lucky. He also did The Opposite of Sex. Yes, that's what he did. What's he up to now? Well, he wrote Marley and Me. Is he making more stuff?

He wrote Marley and Me. But he doesn't get the credit he didn't like. He's an adaptation of a book. He's one of those writers that gets a lot of money to come in and write without putting their name on it.

Yeah. I mean, he wrote a lot of stuff. He writes women's parts really well. Well, I don't know if this is an appropriate story, but on Baby Mama, they brought in what's-his from, about Schmidt?

Alexander Payne? Alexander Payne. They brought in Alexander Payne to do a rewrite of Baby Mama, and he worked for two weeks, and he got $500,000. And then we didn't use a single word in his rewrite. Dax knows what everybody makes. That's what he's about to do. He's like Rain Man. I know what you're making tonight.

He knows everything about everything. Well, because his rewrite, weren't you like suddenly into wine and... Yeah. Oh, I was retiring. And fat ladies and hot tubs. It starts with Carl. And your kids were really ugly. Yeah.

Have you seen Hung? The kids don't even go with those parents. There's no fucking way those kids are... And that was all Alex's. I know. I know it was. And you're like, I get it. I love the kids.

They're like normal looking kids. But the parents are like freaking hot. Have you ever made out with Van Hache? Wow. Wow. A little knowing laugh there. You did some digging. Something happened there.

Dax said before he came out, no personal stories. Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, you can tell them about me. You said none about you. Right. Well, no.

Well, you can tell personal stories. Oh, okay, okay. A lot like the ones we told in Afghanistan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We went to Afghanistan together, and we were like so, we offended so many people during the war that they were. Well, we were in a fight much of the trip, and there would be these big groups of soldiers waiting for pictures, and then we would be arguing so loud at each other and screaming. I go, what about when you shit the bed? Right, and I was, because he had shit his pants. I started in Afghanistan.

There was a war going on. In his defense. There was a war going on. That's true. We had left. In the time of war, things happen. There was a war in your underwear. There's a battle going on between your pants and your collar. Yeah, exactly.

So, we left the mess hall where he had just consumed an insane amount of food. And he had to hit the port-a-john. So we're all kind of hanging out while he's in the crapper. And then this is, I'm not kidding you here, big explosion, like 200 yards away. And I go to our little liaison, I go,

what was that, Smith? He goes, they do controlled detonations at this base. And I go, controlled little liaison. I go, what was that, Smith? He goes, they do controlled detonations at this base. And I go, controlled by shooting them over your head controlled? And he goes, yeah. And then now everyone's running somewhere. And I go, and then another one. Oh, my God. And that one's like 300 yards away. And everyone's running. I go, why are they running? He goes, I think everyone's doing a drill. And I go, everyone on base is doing a drill but us. And then over the loudspeaker, we're code red everyone in the bomb shelters.

So we're like, Tom, get out of the toilet! And Tom literally comes, ahhhh! ahhhh! Hands half down, running towards the bomb bunker. Tell one how to put it in the bunker.

Wait, you were mad at him for the rest of the trip? I was not mad at all, I was just trying to hurt his feelings. Dan, tell him how we got to the bunker. All right, so we get in the bunker, and it's pitch black, and it's just this cement tube that's about 40 feet long and this high, and we're all crouched in there. And then Tom, very loud, says, Oh, man, I'm so glad we're not in here with that bitch that was in our room earlier.

For the band. One for the band. How come that guy in the band that bitch that was in our room earlier today. For the band. For the band. How come that guy in the band was dating that ugly bitch? The pierced tongue. And then, honestly, I'm like, she's one person over. I feel something kicking me. Not even. Kicking me.

He goes, he's kicking me. I go, why are you kicking me? He goes, she's sitting right next to you. I go, okay, I'm Mike Arnold. I'm going to go get Tom. This was his plan to cover up. I go, okay, I'm Mike Arnold. I'm going to go get Tom. This was his plan to cover up. I go,

okay, Mike, go get Tom. He leaves while they're bombing. Yeah, yeah, it was worth it. Walks around and comes back.

Hey, buddy! Four hours later. I'm back! Cut to four hours later. There's another, well, here's what pissed me off. I brought the movie Pride over. It hadn't been in the theaters.

Halfway through, there was always some kind of bomb thing I think I'm safe in saying rent that as well yeah yeah yeah but it was good

the tower's good at Bernie Mac but anyway four hours later we're back in the bomb shelter for another raid and I go to Dax

can you believe what I said about that chick and he's like she's sitting beside you again and I'm like that was the last time

from here on in just assume she's always next to you yeah if you go on that show dating in the dark don't say anything she might be one of the other people so I just want to tell one other one other funny quick story about that trip

to Afghanistan is on day 6 we had this big show in front of like 6,000 people I might be exaggerating 3,000 huge huge and neither of us do stand up but we've said we can of like 6,000 people. I might be exaggerating. Maybe like 3,000. Huge, huge auditorium. A lot of troops. And neither of us do stand up, but we've said we can. I do now.

We now do, based on the success of this trip. He is. And so the minutes before, while we're taking a ride over to perform, he's got my friend carrying like a tray of food for him to eat in the car. And there's all this stuff on. And we get in the car,

and I've had enough. And I turn around and I go, Stop being so fucking selfish! Carry your own shit! You're the most arrogant motherfucker that I've ever seen in my fucking life! And the guy with the gun was like, The gun gets out of the car.

Because he thinks he's going to get caught in one of the flying fizz or something. We have this screaming blow-up fight, screaming all the way up to the stage to hand us microphones. And we're like, hey, guys, thanks a bunch for coming out. And we moved right into the routine. It was the best we did.

Yeah, it was. I think we did it before every show. But the best fight we ever had. How did it turn out at the end of that show? What happened? At least a C. Oh, you wrestled a woman. Well, no, not just a woman.

But this woman came up in full pads and said, I'm the number one Marine wrestler in the Middle East, and I'd like to wrestle you. And I look at Dax, and I go, because she's like 100 pounds less than me. And after Maya won, we wrestled. I go, oh, really? You would, huh? Like collegiate or Greco-Roman or whatever. Next thing you know, she had me by the throat, and then it's on.

And the whole trip. And it starts off cute. Like, everyone's cheering. Tom's playing along. But then Tom's clearly getting his ass kicked. Well, no, I couldn't pin her. Let me even say something. She had shorts on.

And the way to pin. And I could see the major general who was on my ass the whole trip going, to Arnold. Men over here. Women over here. He kept getting. And then I kissed a woman. I had to kiss a man. And then how did you get the upper hand in the fight?

The only way to pin somebody is to put your hand between their legs and pull them up with a shoulder blade. That's the only way. She had shorts on. I tried everything I could and she was strong. We got to the edge of the stage. I finally had to do what I had to do. He grabbed her perineum.

I put her up and put her down. She jumped up and said, two out of three. By now I was covered in sweat. There was gravy coming out of my heart. There was. She said something to Dax, she goes,

what's Tom doing after the show? And she did want to bang him. And you go, what's our commitment to the USO? I mean, how far does it go?

Like, you came over and actually asked me. Right. Yeah, like, it doesn't go that far. Well,

we were entertaining the troops, you see. Yeah, that's what you were there for. Right, yeah. That was the ostensible goal. The troops should have been there for the show

with the porta potty or whatever. They have bombs all the time. Yeah, they're used to it. I got to go over there still, but every time one of my friends go over there, they say that they do stuff like that. They go, oh, that's just a test. Yeah.

Yeah. It's not a test. By the other side. Right. Testing their aim. Testing to see if they might be able to kill us. Well, we went right after Dick Cheney had been there, so they were still firing at him.

Yeah, like a week ago. They were still hating him when we were there. You can't blame them. That's true. No, you can't. No. That hatred runs deep. So let's talk about movies. Yeah. Okay. As long as we're on the show. Yeah. That's true. No, you can't. No. That hatred runs deep. So let's talk about movies.

Yeah. As long as we're on I Love Movies. That's what the show's about. Sorry. That's what the podcast is about. That could be a segue into Hurt Locker. That's it. We got some folks just walking in.

They may just think we've been talking about movies this whole time. Yeah, I hope so. Have you guys seen any movies lately? Like on a plane or at a screening or a premiere? I saw one called Overnight, a documentary. I saw it last night. Oh, I heard that's really good. Oh, my God, it's so good.

Dax, you've got to see it. What's it about? It's about you. Oh, wow. No, it's about a guy. It's about the most arrogant guy ever. It really is. It's not like you.

No, you're not arrogant. The Dax Shepard type. No, no. No, no. I've always admired people that were so arrogant that they were always like, hey, man, just listen to my name. I'm going to be blowing up in a year, and you be working for me. I'm always like, because I know that my career is over now.

There's no doubt about it. I'll never work again. I'm lucky to have worked. That's not true. But I always feel that way. So the people that psychologically believe in themselves so much, I've always admired them. This guy, this thing called Boondog Saints.

He wrote this thing, and he was like a bartender or something. And then he was just crazy. It went to his head, and he just fucked everything up. And the arrogance is unbelievable how he ruins everything. Yeah. That's why Tom was there to stop you from ruining your life. He's been very instrumental in keeping my hair. So then this guy made a movie called Overnight?

Yeah, they did a documentary at the same time that they were putting together Boondogs. Oh, and it's about the Boondogs. Yeah. And was it good? Oh, it was really good. It was so unnerving. I mean, I love documentaries,

but it was like, boy, you can see this train coming and this guy is going off the tracks and you can just see it. I mean, this guy thinks he knows everything about show business, and he thinks he knows, you know, and he's bad-mouthing Harvey Weinstein, and, you know, every, every, his agent, he's beating them up. He's doing, you know, we're hot.

It's just, oh, God. It's only 80 minutes long. Watch it. You know, it's like, I just. It's 10 minutes shorter than my description of it. It takes a little longer for you to describe it. A little longer for Tom's description. But totally, it's like the director's cut.

Have you seen My Best Fiend? No. Has anyone seen that documentary? It's about Klaus, I'm going to screw up his name, but Klaus Kinski, that German actor, famous German actor, who made several movies with Werner Herzog. Werner. I go German pronunciation.

I know you do. Werner Herzog. You're a Nazi bastard. All right, Werner Herzog. And the relation... I go German pronunciation. I know you do. Werner Herzog. I call him Herzi. So they made all these movies together, but they hate each other's guts, and Klaus Kinski tried to blow up Werner Herzog's apartment. And then they were filming another movie,

and he was going to have the local Indians kill Klaus Kinski. This is all real. You must see this documentary. My best fiend. I'm going to tell a follow-up to that. Movie Hero, my first role. My first scene in a movie was with Dustin Hoffman,

and Stephen Frears directed it. And so I didn't know. You know, I was too dumb to know anything about what was going on. But Stephen Frears had a heart attack because of working with Dustin Hoffman. And Dustin brought a heart monitor on the set. He thought it was really funny because he would disappear and be out playing homeless football with homeless people and stuff. And we were on a time crunch

and it was just a crazy, crazy battle. I know Steve Furrier's like, I'll never make another fucking American movie again as long as I live. I don't think he ever did. From Dustin. Yeah, Dustin's great. He's a great guy. And Steven's great. Yeah. But together they're just oil but then together there's oil and water they were oil water but he

actually had a heart attack and then I think he's trying to give him another art ex would be funny you know yeah well once you've had one and you survived yeah loses the impact and then I know Columbia had to say that he had a bad hot dog which is always a deep but comics say when they fucking OD. Dean Martin ate about 20 bad hot dogs a year. I shouldn't have gone to that carnival and eaten so many elephant ears. Too much funnel cake. Didn't really sit well with the heroin and the cocaine and the alcohol. So you like that movie, My Best Fiend?

Yeah, I recommend that. It's on DVD now? It's on VHS primarily. And they knew they were filming it? They knew they were filming it like it was okay? It takes all this footage and then they interview Werner Werner Herzog. And then you get the behind-the-scenes stuff. And then they actually interview the South American Indians who offered to kill him.

But you never kill somebody until the movie's over. Well, we wouldn't, but these American Indians, no problem. Okay. They don't care about continuity. No, they don't care at all. And you filmed the actual killing because you wanted to film. Just a habit.

I love that. But do you want to talk about movies that I've seen this year that are amazing? Is that what you would ask me? Yeah, yeah, tell those. That's essentially the question. Moon and Hurt Locker are my two favorites. Yeah, yeah. Those are your two favorites?

Yes. I like Shrink, too. I like that. What? The movie Shrink. Who? Kevin Spacey. The movie called Shrink?

Yeah. I'm going to take that for Doug again. Say you like Shrink. Say you like Shrink. I like Shrink. What? Who? He did it. He did it. What? Who? He did it.

He did it. Who? Who? Say it again. Say it again. I'll do me. I watched that in Star Trek while Ashley was sleeping. I like Star Trek, too.

I like Star Trek. I don't care what you say. I'm going to be Tom Arnold. You're going to be me. Tom's going to be you. Okay, I'll be you. I'm so arrogant. There's only two good movies that have ever been made.

They're Moon and the Hurt Locker. I like Shrink. I like Shrink. I did like it. He can't play anybody but himself. He does a great Doug Benson. He does a really good Doug Benson. The whole way here.

He's got the Tom Arnold curse. Wakes up every day, still Tom Arnold. I know. Do you have a team of people that mop up the sweat when you're acting? Because you don't seem sweaty when you're acting. Well, that's a different character for you.

I'm in my funny, crazy character. I thought you knew that. Oh, you're doing this for me now?'m in my funny, crazy character. Yeah, this is your... I thought you knew that. Oh, you're doing this for me now? Yeah, that's my comedy character. That's not funny. You know, some people can lower their heart rate to like 15 beats a minute. That is a fact.

Here, I'll tell you a fact. Here's a fact. Here's a fact. In the movie, it has come out, you gotta call it... Peace, no fear. Everyone buckle up. The year of getting to know us,

starring Cherish Stone with my wife. I cheated on her with Ileana Douglas. That's all I remember. So you know it's a movie. Anyway, Jimmy Fallon's in it. He's really good, I've got to tell you. And Lucy Liu. And he plays my son, but I age because he could never be my son.

Anyway, but I lay in a coma because I have a stroke. And I said to him, it was boring, 12 hours in a coma. And I said, I'm going to close my eyes, and when the nurse comes into the scene, I'm going to make my heart go to 69. I know it sounds juvenile, but it's boring. And I can make my heart rate go to 69. No. And I swear on my life, you call Jimmy Fallon right fucking now

and he will tell you. Anybody in this room, you call him and that is a fact. And I made it to 69. I just meditated and went into 69. I'm going to interrupt that phone call. Yeah, do a call waiting. It's true. It's true. I could lower it and bring it up, whatever.

You can dance it around? Yeah. It's true. It's true. I could lower it and bring it up, whatever. You can dance it around? Yeah. What's the range? Well, I mean, 50 to 220, you know. Okay, good. I don't know what's happening anymore. What movie did you like, Doug? I liked Her Locker a lot.

I liked that a lot. Catherine Bigelow is awesome. You know what? She's a really awesome action director, and she'll finally get her due, I think. Can I ask you guys what you know more about movies than me? Why did she direct Point Break, and then I don't know, and then now this? What happened? She took a break.

Oh, can I know Jim Cameron? Do you know the answer, really? Well, she was Jim Cameron's third wife, and a very good friend of his, and he has a bunch of respect for her. And it's really hard for women, you know, especially this particular movie, especially Asian women. To do a movie that has anything to do with the Middle East, that people are, like, you know, especially this particular movie, Hurt Locker, to do a movie about, it has anything to do with the Middle East,

that people are like over it, like whatever, and so it took a lot to get this, this is something she's wanted to do for years, and it took a lot. Yeah, but she made a few, several movies,

she did. She did another one in this one. She made one, that one that Jim produced called, after True Lies called, it was with Ray Fiennes, or one of those guys, Ray Fiennes,

or Leif Garrett, or one of those guys. Ray Fiennes or Leif Garrett or one of those guys. Strange Days. Yeah, Strange Days. She did that and she did that vampire movie near dark. Yeah. She did, but that was probably before Point Break. Right. But since Point Break, she's done a few things.

I feel better then about that. She did like some Jamie Lee Curtis cop thing. Cold as ice. Ice cold. Ice steel. Blue steel. Ooh. Blue steel.

This is a fun game. But Jim will tell you that she is the most talented. It's like talking to your parents about movies. She was in that thing. It had a word in the title. There was a word in it. You know, they were showing it at the movies. It was at the movies for a while.

It was in space. Yeah, it came out in the fall of one year. Around your birthday. Did you see it? I'll ask each of you this question. What are your favorite movies of the ones that you were physically in? The movies you've participated in.

Do you have a favorite? I can tell you my favorite of all the movies I've been in. Go ahead. That would be super high me. Because every other movie I've been in. Go ahead. That would be Super Jaime. Okay. Because every other movie I've been in, I was just an extra or somebody in makeup or something.

But what about your starring or co-starring roles? Yeah, go ahead. Tom, you go. Can I guess what your favorite is? Go for it. Yours would be True Lies. It probably is. Happy Eddies I like too.

It's an awesome movie. I have to say that. You've been good in tons of movies. He's always good. Surprisingly so. You have a little bit of a wow, Tom Arnold. Your expectations are so low of me

that if I'm mediocre People are like Oh my god, he's brilliant In your personal life You've set the bar on the ground And stomped on it Yes To the point where

When you appear in a film Everyone's pleasantly surprised Yeah, I know It's genius It's genius It really is But he was nominated against For There Will Be Blood

Against Daniel Day-Lewis In the Berlin Film Festival Oh, that's true That's true Berlin Film Festival For Best The Gardens of the Night The Gardens of the Night. The Gardens of the Night,

which he's great at. Did anybody see that? But he was nominated against. A few people saw it. He's really great at it. You were up against Daniel Day-Lewis. I know. He was up against Daniel Day-Lewis

and he was afraid to... Did he threaten to drink you like a milkshake or whatever? There was no... Let me tell you something. When I saw it was against him, I was like, there's no way.

This has never been a joke. You called me and you said, well, you know, what do I do when I get interviewed and they even ask me about this? And I said, I would feel like I was a Ford Pinto that someone put in a Le Mans race against Ferraris. Like, that's a good.

Well, it was so. That was the first time he called you arrogant. No, no, no, no. He knows me. I know the way over there. Maggie Jill happened to be on the plane. We were like, we're sitting in front row. I go, did you see Dale Day-Lewis back there?

She goes, yeah. I go, how are we going to get back there and say hi to him? She goes, I we were like, we're sitting in the front row, and I go, did you see Dale Day-Lewis back there? She goes, yeah. I go, how are we going to get back there and say hi to him? She goes, I don't know. The bathroom's in front of us. I go, let's pretend that the first class bathroom is full. I'm going to walk back there casually. You follow me. And then we'll go, oh, Stantini, Dale Day-Lewis.

I'm Tom Arnold. This is Maggie. We just want to say hi. We're on our way back to the very back of the plane to go to the bathroom. And that's all we did. That's all we did. Was he sitting in coach? No, he was in first class, but he was in the back row with his family, like a plane to go to the bathroom. And that's all we did. That's all we did. Was he sitting in coach? No, he was in first class

but he was in the back row with his family like a normal person. In the future. And so she and I plotted this out. Can I tell you though in the future go to his seat

open the thing above him start rifling through someone's bag he'll think it's yours. God, I should have thought of that. I should have thought of that. Drop something on his head. Right. Make something fall on his head.

Right. Because the bad part is after he was so kind to us we had to still walk to the back of the plane to finish our line. And people were like, what are you going to do? Anyway, so I was standing there, and I tell Dax, there's no way I'm going to win. But because they were asking me, what's it feel like?

I go, I mean, Daniel Day-Lewis is like, he is the shit. I mean, he's like way beyond anything. I mean, I don't even feel like I could ever recall an actor. By the way, the best guy you could lose to ever. Yeah, but guess who won? It's like I lost the bike race to Lance Armstrong. The funniest part was the third guy won, the Iranian guy from The Kite Runner. Who I didn't even ever heard his fucking name.

That's bullshit. I think there's so many votes for time between Daniel Day and me. Doesn't he rape those kids in that movie? Yeah. Come on. Tom was also doing that. Yeah, I guess. I think like, what the? Come on. Well, Tom was also doing that. Well, yeah, I guess.

I think that weird taste over there in Berlin. That's where it was, Berlin Film Festival? Yeah. And you know what? I thought Danny DeLose would be a jerk

because he's so good, but he was like so much nicer than I've ever been. And you were Maggie. We were like, oh my God, he's so nice too.

We really hate him. And he's like, here's my kids. Here's my kids. Wow. And we're like, yeah. We're like, oh my God, he's so nice too. We really hate him. And he's like, here's my kids. Here's my kids. We're like, yeah. We're just fans, I guess. You know, peers. I switched seats so that John Malkovich

and his wife could sit together. He was in Gardens of the Night. He played the good guy. He was super nice. Unbelievably nice. I did a couple things with him. You meet him and you think he's like, you know, from Con Air or in the Line of Fire.

Like, you think you're talking to the most people guy alive. Speaking of which, he has the funniest, most inappropriate line in a movie ever. In the Line of Fire, he's talking on the phone. I'm sorry, actually, Clint Eastwood has the best line back to him. But he goes, John, where were you? We had a rendezvous scheduled. And then he goes, you had a rendezvous with my asshole

motherfucker. They're like, did Clint Eastwood just say you have a rendezvous with my asshole motherfucker? So then our friend Michael Rosenbaum did a movie with Clint Eastwood and he said to Clint Eastwood, hey, can I ask you a question about In the Line of Fire?

When you say, you have a rendezvous with my asshole, motherfucker, did you improv any of that? And he goes, I may have added a line or two. Doug, I had to say one thing. So then just one more thing on top of that. We thought if he had just even added one more word, it would have been the most epic line of all time.

If he had just added the word lips, listen to this. You have a rendezvous with my asshole lips, motherfucker. But no, no. John Malkovich. Rarely does the word lips make something so filthy. How about the rim of mine? You know, okay. Try that.

Doug, you know that John Malkovich is a great, serious actor, right? Yeah. So you know coming in to a dramatic movie, he's going to be awesome and way better than you, whatever. Then you do a comedy with him and you think, okay, fuck this guy. I'm going to add to this some shit. Throw him off his game. I did Buck Howard after The Guardians of the Night. Yeah, yeah.

I said, I'll do it if I can add to this some shit. He fucking was so funny and so right on. And in the trailer, I always ask the makeup and hair people if people are nice because that's how you tell.

You know, he had a whole different world going on in the trailer about his kid down in Mexico that was in the circus with the giant head and he had to get down

there this weekend and he had Polaroids made up of some kid that he brought to work so he had this second life going on that kept everybody amused. Not only was he the funniest outside, he was the funniest inside and I his second life going on and kept everybody amused. Not only was he

the funniest outside, he was the funniest inside and I fucking hated him. Yeah, he was killing him. I mean, there was nothing for me to do. Absolutely. He's a man for all seasons.

Dangerous liaison is what he is. I also heard he runs a five minute mile. No. Yeah? No. Don't tell me

he's in a hole in one. Is that hard to do? He can do do he can do 100 what's the last time you ran around the track four times right yeah that's like a minute and something sure yeah all right okay give it a shot was last time you went jogging not afraid I never go John you know why would you why would you I work out it? But I work out. It's dangerous. I work out. What do you do?

What's your routine? You hit your iPhone. I play the Leonard Maltin game with the last five minutes. That's a heavy book. Go ahead. Go ahead. All right, here we go.

He was great in Star Trek, by the way, Leonard Maltin. He was so funny. All the movies I selected for this week's Leonard Maltin game. Oh, that's Leonard Nimoy. I'm sorry. Oh, shit.

Shit, all these years I've read this book, I thought it was Leonard Nimoy. I'm sorry. Oh, shit. Shit, all these years I've read this book, I thought it was Leonard Nimoy. And this means nothing to me now. He sure is opinionated for a Vulcan. He directed Three Men and a Baby and thinks he can complain about other movies? Okay, so these are comedies. They're all comedies.

We're running out of time for the Leonard Maltz game I'm sweating through my shirt You're sweating a little bit We can't go long We'll start with you, Dax This movie came out in 1981 The star's brother also appears But it's not nepotism

In this case, if you ask me. He really holds his own. Look how excited you are. You already know it, don't you? No, no. That's 1981. They're not nepotism.

I'm not sure what that means. And there's six names. Six names. Don't ever look it up. Six names in the cast. And I'll start from the bottom and read up how many names you think you can get it in, Dax Shepard. You can say I can name it up. Six names in the cast, and I'll start from the bottom and read up how many names you think you can get it in, Dax Shepard.

I'm going to maybe even need seven. I might need you to add someone. You might want to say six, then. 81, I was six. Go ahead. So you'll go with six names. Tom, do you think you can do it in five or less? I think I can do it in three. You can either say name that movie, or you can underbid it.

Oh, I've got to name the movie? You might have to, yeah. Okay, okay, okay, I got it. Okay. Was that your explanation of the rules of this game? Yeah, yeah. Because I don't know what the fuck you're talking about right now. I said six, he said three.

Now I can say choose the movie. Now you can say two, or you can make him name it. Okay, name the movie. All right, here we go. Three names. These are the three names at the bottom of the list Of the cast from 1981 comedy George Kennedy James L. Brooks

Oh Jane Halloran Whoever that is I don't know who Jane Halloran is Those are the three names you get From 1981 There's three other names At the top of the cast list

That would be much more helpful How about the number four slot is that a big big clue number four Jane Halloran no that was three oh three oh I see we're saying is the next name a big clear yeah is that a big big giveaway it's helpful but I think George Kennedy and James L Brooks have never been in any other movies together so right that's not ringing any bells oh they're all in it and their brother was in it, too? Is that what you're saying? The director's brother. That was the clue.

The director's brother's in it, as well. Oh, I got it. I got it. It's a Ron Howard movie, right? He has to guess. No, it's not a Ron Howard movie. No, it's an Albert Brooks movie with Bob Einstein. It's his brother.

It's called... Fucking America! Yes, It's called... Fucking America. No, no, no. Is it called... Yes, it's called Fucking America. We're going to take our nest egg and fuck America with it. It's a sequel to Foreplay America. I know it.

It's being there. It's called Modern Romance. Modern Romance. Yes, of course. And it is. That was awesome. Yeah, it was. You know that? If we had more time, we'd And it is. It is. That was awesome. Yeah. We had more time.

We'd keep playing. Yeah. Oh, wow. That was the whole game. That was fun. Yeah. Well, not when we go best two out of three. Okay.

But typically, though, only one person gets to play the game, though. You got the point. You got to play. Oh, I got a point. Yeah. I won this game. You won. This is a great game. I came really close to winning.

I came close to winning. This is my favorite game. I came close to winning. Yeah. I would have never gotten this. All right. Let's do another one. I've never even heard of that. Let is a great game. I came really close to winning. I came close to winning. This is my favorite game. I came close to winning. Yeah, I would have never gotten this. All right, let's do another one. I've never even heard of that. Okay, okay. Let's do another one.

All right, this is from 1996. Southern Comfort. My wheelhouse. That's the Swayzes. It's a comedy. Okay. You got ten names to choose from, and you get to go first, Dax. Okay.

And the other clue is Tom Arnold is in it. Oh, get out of here. I'm not going to leave. This is my show. I'm going to go four names. Four names he thinks he can get this in. What year was it? 1996. 96. Oh, yeah.

You'll get it. Wait, you realize it was 94. That's when it came out. I'm not telling you shit, buddy. We're in competition. You can guess less names or you can make him name it. Name it. Alright. What a delivery. You get four names to try

and guess this. The four names are... She's having a baby. Jordan Warkoff. How was he to work with? Do you know who that is, Tom? Colleen Renison. Mikey Kovar. Do you know who that is, Tom? Colleen Renneson? Mikey Kovar?

These don't recognize, you don't recognize any of these names. These are your co-stars. Micah Gardner? Do you remember Little Micah? Little Micah. Could it have been Micah? 1996?

Could I have called it, as a boy? Could it have been Micah? As a boy? M-I-C-A-H is usually Micah. Kim Coates was in it. Ah, yeah, I know who it is. He's a sense of anarchy.

Rod Steiger was in it. I can't believe you. I know, I can't believe you. I didn't even know until just now. Wait, can I guess the number one name on the top name? Yeah. Is it Hugh? No, it's Tom Arnold.

Oh, you're the number one. Yeah, he's the goddamn star of this piece of shit. You're number one on the calls? Yeah. Is it Hugh? No, it's Tom Arnold. Oh, you're the number one. He's the goddamn star of this piece of shit. You're number one on the calls? Yeah. So you know what it is. Well, then is it Meet the Stupids? Rachel Lee Cook. No, no, Big Bully. Your oldest daughter, I think. It's Big Bully. And then Rhea Perlman and David Painter

was the nerdy, awkward guy that you bullied into participating. You were a bully in almost every movie in the 90s, weren't you? Yes. Was that it? Carpool. No, it's called Carpool. Yeah, so it's Carpool.

Some kids will come ship against the light. I forgot Rod Steiger was in it. That's because Arthur Hiller directed it, I think. Why'd you stop in the middle? Because he directed such great movies before he started directing me. He's got the weirdest. The in-laws, the out-of-Towners, whatever. It's like John Landis directed The Stupids.

He directed, you know, American Werewolf, Luddited, Animal House, whatever. Then The Stupids. I always get them when they're all fucked up. You always get them when they... Yeah, when it's over. That's a good point. Schrader, that happened to you with what's his name? Paul Schrader with Touch.

That was fun, though, because I got to do Christopher Walken. That was okay. Yeah, it was good. Paul was... He's so weird. He Walken. That was okay. Yeah, it was good. Paul was so weird. He's funny. He's funny. But yeah, Arthur Hiller directed the most amazing array of movies, because he directed

Silver Streak and Love Story. The something of Emily, the illegalization of Emily. He switched genres every time, but when he switched to the genre of movies about Tom Arnold and a carpool. We had every drink of beer, John Goodman. We both went down

the hill together. You could say one thing. I knew this would be fun, but I didn't know I was going to learn this much. Yeah. Thank you.

Do you guys have any plugs? Like, things you're working on that are coming out soon? Or you want to talk about to my several listeners? Go ahead. Well, Brothers Justice is coming out.

We did a movie together. He's in your movie. Yeah, yeah. He steals the whole thing. Okay, so you wrote and directed a movie called Brothers Justice. coming out. We did a movie together. He's in your movie. Yeah, yeah. He steals the whole thing. Okay, so you wrote and directed a movie called Brothers Justice. Yes, yes.

And you're the lead in it as well. Yeah, he's everything. But when he started Bradley Cooper, we kind of let him be in it. Oh, Bradley Cooper. And now he's like

all of a sudden at the end when we finished it, he was like the biggest star. But by the time it comes out, he'll be back to nothing, I hope. It's been great luck. It's been...

That Sandra Bullock movie will bring him back to nothing. I have to say that being in the movie. But by the time it comes out, he'll be back to nothing, I hope. It's been great luck. That Sandra Bullock movie will bring him back to nothing. But being in the movie was really good luck for a lot of people and really bad luck for others. Yeah, exactly.

Because when we started, Bradley Cooper was in it and then he became the biggest star. And then Fabbro was just starting to film Iron Man and he was in it.

Oh, that's good. He's really good at it. He's really good at it. Right. And then, so they shot to the top and then Tom and I just waited. I had a huge house when we started that thing.

I had a huge mansion. Yeah, but now that's going to be great. Like, the DVD cover will be embarrassing because it'll be their names and not you guys. Well, yeah. But when people watch it, they'll still get to see it. Dax did a great job, and it's real. And you directed it and wrote it. It's real.

It's awesome. It's real. It's funny. It's funny. When do you think people will be able to see it? Soon. Well, we're submitting to Sundance in two weeks. And Spirit Awards.

All right. Well, you've got a movie and lots of awards. And I'm going to be at Dr. Grin's in Grand Rapids, Michigan. I'm going to be at Houston this weekend at the Improv. Oh, this weekend. Well, hopefully this podcast will be up by then. It kind of shows up when it feels like it. What is it?

I don't even know what a fucking podcast is, so I don't know. Some podcasts might be live, but this one is taped, and then it appears on iTunes a few days later. Is there a pod in the back or something? There's no physical pod. What's the thing Ashton does? We should have Twittered with him. You want to go on his? Let's go on Ashton's Twitter.

Fuck you, Doug. Yeah, yeah. You'll get a lot more publicity on Ashton's Twitter than you will on my podcast. I'm getting rubbed by Tom Arnold for good luck. And I'd like to thank my guests, Dax Shepard and Tom Arnold. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. As always, Willem Dafoe is a shithead.