Doug Loves Movies - Toronto

Episode Date: June 2, 2013

Ari Shaffir and Rob Mailloux play against each other in the Leonard Maltin Game and Sean Cullen plays against audience members at Comedy Bar in Toronto, ON, Canada.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug Loves Movies at Comedy Bar in Toronto last Saturday night, but I also did a couple stand-up shows there, and I'll play the audio of the Leonard Maltin game from those shows in this shorty shortly. Next weekend, June 8th and 9th, I'll be at the Limestone Comedy Festival in Bloomington, Indiana. Saturday at four o'clock, I'll be doing a Benson movie interruption at the Buskirk Chumlee Theater. Movie to be announced soon. And I'll be opening for Pete Holmes for two shows

at the Buskirk Chumlee that night. And on Sunday afternoon at 1.30 p.m., we're going to do a dining with Doug and Karen at the Comedy Attic. You can join us for chewing, but we'll still be doing all the chatting. Monday night, June 10th at Meltdown Comics in LA, I'll be doing a Benson

Interruption podcast with special guests including the machine Bert Kreischer. Powerful. Death Squad. Now, Ari Shafir vs. Rob Medu at the 420 show, followed by Sean Cullen vs. theu at the 420 show, followed by Sean Cullen versus the audience at the 1030 show from Toronto, where I will be back as soon as I am able.

Enjoy! Let the games begin! Take control, Toronto! I can name tags? I was looking at single name tags. No, no, they haven't called them up yet. I haven't asked them to yet. That's a great bane, man. Oh, thanks. Yeah.

I should say that Ari Shaffir and Rob Mahou are going to select name tags from the crowd now, and then they will play for those people in a spirited round of the Leonard Baum game. What do we have for name tags? We got people with them on their phones. It's just all phones. It's all on their phones. How did you come up with that?

Is that a hockey puck? Jordan. He's the Canadian version of Jordan who always has a baseball out. There's a bunch of them. Yeah. Ari likes to really roam the room. And on the longer episodes,

this is where we would go to commercial. But on this particular one, I'll talk everybody through it. Looks like Rob picks somebody really fast. Wow, that's a decent job. Shelly? You know what the funny thing is? Evan, my roommate,

was like, I'll make a name tag. I can pick your name tag. So that's why he taped a dick to his head. That was his name tag. I was like, I can't take the dick that's taped to your head onto the stage. He was disrupting my show earlier to tape a dick to his head. And then it didn't even work? He didn't even get selected for being a dickhead?

No, he was disrupting for totally good reason. Okay, never mind. I know who that is. All right, so... Fine, I'll take the dick off my head! That's a sentence you don't hear very often. Fine, I'll take the dick off my head. Put it on my shoulder, where it belongs.

Who are you playing for, Ari? I'm playing for, I believe, Tasha. And Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman in the classic The Tasha Shake. The Tasha Shake. The Tasha Shake. Tasha Shake. Yeah.crediction. The Tasha-shay-crediction. Tasha-shay. Yeah. I like it. Alright, so Tasha and

Shelly is who Rob has played for. She put her name on a paper doll thing, but then she put my head on a monkey. So that's clever. What happened to the boot monkeys? I stopped doing that. Because I didn't travel with them all the time and they would make noise in my bag and

I'd spend extra time in security. I think this girl's name is actually Tashash. Tashash? Tashash, yeah. How do you know her name? Tashash. That was the nickname they gave her in prison. I like to shake. Her dancing name is Redemption. I thought it deserved a warm. Yeah, that was pretty good. Thanks. What's the weirdest stripper or dancer name you've encountered?

This is stripper capital of the world, right? No, Montreal. Actually, Windsor, where I'm from, is the stripper capital. Is anyone from Windsor here? Oh, don't go fuck yourself, you're gonna throw me there. It's already bad enough. Windsor was the cancer capital and the strip club capital of Canada. Wait, what? Cancer? Yeah, they all like cancer. Is there a nuclear power plant or something? It's just, it's like, it's all a car factory, so we've created some sort of, like, dome,

atmospheric dome around the city. It's like an experiment that we're doing. It's not going well. Maybe they could keep all the cancer there. Yeah, that's what they're hoping. So we can contain it in the small area. And then you have a bunch of ladies who can dance for treatment money. So that works out perfectly.

That was the logical conclusion to where this was going, wasn't it? We'll see where else it possibly could have went. I thought of a place it could have gone. You could have said, and the strangest stripper name was a girl named Chemo. of a place you could have gone, you could have said, and the strangest stripper name was a girl named Kimo. It's nice when it all comes together. It really is.

Alright, guys, you've played this before on some of my various shows. Yeah. I think Rob, you played it in Buffalo. Yeah, that was exciting. I got it on one of it in Buffalo. That was exciting. I got one of my favorite movies wrong. Friday the 13th.

Couldn't get it. One of my favorites. Nothing. So, you have a great shot, Shelly. Sorry, Shelly. The shaker's going to win. The shaker. I would like to also warn Toshosh that I'm also not going to remember names of movies

if also I'm not going to remember movies themselves. This is going to be exciting. I'm good at this game. Let's go for a bit. All right. Since Rob is our host, he lives in our host country, Ari, let's go ahead and... We're staying in his basement. Let's go ahead and let him pick a category, and I'll give you three options.

Would you like... Afterbirth, and that's Will Smith movies after Jaden Smith was born. Or, you have my permission to die, which I should say like this, you have my permission to die. And that's Batman actors who died in other

movies they're not batman movies so christian bale adam west george clooney or michael keaton okay yeah i told you all of them yeah and then your third option is uh is so underscore vertilicious suggested depth perception and that is movies where Johnny Depp wears glasses do you

sit at home all day and just go over and like I get so many submissions yeah and I just favorite over it? I get so many submissions. I just favorite the ones that I like in the moment. It's all on my whims. I try to pick ones that will get a laugh like that one. You don't pick it. It served its purpose.

It did. It served a great purpose. I'm not going to pick it, but I'm glad you all enjoyed it. I'm also not going to pick the Batman one just because I felt condescended towards that you named all the Batmans. So I'll go with Afterbirth, based on it being the most challenging and I'm stupid. Hey, you know what? Since I condescended you so hard just now, repeat to me the five people who have played Batman. Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, Christian Bale, Adam West.

Nice! I mean, that's what it was. I will never condescend to you again. Come on. No, that was sweet. Ari couldn't have done it. Fuck no. Even after I just said it. Yeah.

I'd be like, the new guy is really good. And then, who's the one... Here, that's how I answer a lot of questions. The nipple suit? Who's the one... Here, that's how I answer a lot of questions. The nipple suit? Who's the one... And then he was in the other movie with the girl from Tootie. And then they did... Oh, Dustin Hoffman?

Yeah. The girl from Tootie? I mean, the guy who was in the TV show with one of the people from Facts of Life. He was with all of them. George Clooney, yeah. He was on Facts of Life, I think. Was he? He wasn't?

He was on Roseanne. No, not Roseanne. He was on the other one. He was on Roseanne. But he was also, he played Booker on Roseanne. Oh, really? Some nerd lit in the front just said that.

Is that a good name for girl nerds? Nerd lit? Yeah, I like that. Okay, Rob, you get to pick a category. I mean, a year. You get to pick a year. You pick the category. And again, I apologize for condescending.

I thought Bookman was the fat black guy. Booker, Booker. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Isn't that who Oprah was married to? I don't believe she's ever been married, but his name was... His name... What's...

Stedman. Oh. Yeah, that's why we were globally close. I don't know why I thought it was Bookman. That's racist. Yeah. All right, your options are the year 2000 or the year 2004? 2004.

Does anyone pick the old one ever? Sometimes they do. Yeah? Yeah, 2004. Sometimes they do. Because they get inside my head. They realize that the more recent one might actually be the more difficult one. More obscure.

This movie is from 2004? Yeah. Okay. And not that I have to tell a Canadian audience to not yell out answers. You know what? I don't have to tell you. I don't know why I just started to say that. Did you guys find that when you were doing your sets earlier this evening?

I mean, Rob, you live here, but even rhetorical questions get silenced in canada because everyone's just like so polite and just like well you know do your act we're not here to i'm here for a quiz you're a trial you go to windsor it's easy because of the show well yeah they're shouting and coughing yeah i'll tell you what's not the answer. A cure to this horrible disease. That was a stripper. Yeah. Right?

I can't believe I paid $20 for this dance. All right. We can start with that. Rap dances are $20 in Windsor? No, you can get them for $10, actually. Yeah. I was going to say, it better be cheaper if I'm risking cancer. And also, this is probably, Windsor's probably not going to be happy with me.

I mean, promoting that they're going to say, I'm now the most famous person from Windsor. Where did you learn that it's the number one place for cancer? Look, when you live in Windsor, you know the Windsor facts. So no one's going to come at me on Twitter? No, you'll be fine. Okay. Tell that guy whose name we can't spell, so we can't tell him ourselves. What's your Twitter handle?

Rob Loves Arguing. Oh, smart. Arguing is easier to spell than your last name. What's your Twitter handle? Rob loves arguing Oh smart Arguing is easier to spell than your last name And there's that mystery of whether or not You should include the E I thought he spelled it arguing Like Patrick Ewing One and a half stars

Rob for this movie From 2004 From Leonard Maltin He says this movie from 2004 from Leonard Maltin. He says this movie is about a high-powered music industry publicist. And he also says that I already know it. Do you really?

I think so. He says that the writer-director of this movie that this is this particular writer-director at his worst. And Leonard lists 11 names. How many names do you think you can get in it, Rob? Blank for Shelly. Ten names.

At the comedy bar. I can get it in ten names. You can get it in ten. So what does that mean? From the top, so you leave off the first. The biggest name, yeah. Yeah. So you can hear everybody but the top-listed person.

So if you go nine, you'll hear everybody but the top two. You're going to get this after being on the show a bunch of times. And how many people were totally... Eleven. Eleven. You can say ten? Yeah. So if I said eight, that means you'll leave off the last three?

Yeah. I can do that. Let's means you'll leave off the last three? Yeah. I can do that. Let's go eight. Let's just get right to it. Let's just get right to it. We had already discussed putting $100 on this outside, but then realized we'd stop being funny and just start being angry. I like, I wish it was $100 on the line.

Do you want to bet him $100 still? No. Fuck no. $100. All right. Here you want to bet him $100 still? No. Fuck no. $100. All right, here's your eight names, and congratulations to Shelly. Because your eight names are... Oh, no, you might... I'm going to get it.

These might be... I'm not getting attention. It's the only movie I know. Wait, what's the category again? Oh, it's Will Smith movies. Yeah, with that other guy, because I guess those get me into a top two. Since Jaden was born. Yeah.

Okay, so here are your eight names. Will Smith. Oh, wait, I thought you leave off the top ones. Yeah, you did. You picked correctly. Oh, it's too far down. Yeah! Will Smith.

Yeah! Oh, no. Clearly has a really small part in this. Oh, my. Then your next names are Matt Damon. What? Matt Damon. What's the number?

Jason Lee. Oh. Steven Root. Mike Starr, Raquel Castro, Jason Biggs, and George Carlin. Yeah.

The prizes are going to Shelly for sure. Oh, I should say what the prizes are. I've got, it's just in my pocket. I don't have an actual bag. Because I have a copy of my CD, Smug Life. And then I also have a copy of Ari Shaffir's latest CD, which is called Revenge from the Holocaust. She's going to win both.

Shelly is, if you don't come up with the correct answer. So, Matt Damon was in it,, and then Steven Root, and then who are some of the other people you served? George Carlin. George Carlin. Yeah, Jason Biggs, the bigster. Do you know it? No. I was served Hitch as soon as he said 2004. I was like, probably Hitch.

Is he in music? Yeah, Hitch might have come out around that same time, maybe. But, you know, the music guy, the high-powered music industry publicist isn't Will Smith. It's somebody else. He's a suit. Yeah. Generally, you don't start a review describing the 11th Bill character. Plus, one Will Smith movie could get a star

and a half? Well, fuck you. I was joking. You turned on me there. I have no idea. It's Canada, right? I have no idea what this movie is. I have no reflection of any of those

people in a movie. George Carlin was in a movie. Dude,lin was in a movie. Dude, believe me, I'm with you on this. I never saw this movie. I didn't know all those people were in it. But if I heard the names Jennifer Lopez, Liv Tyler, and Ben Affleck, then I would know it's Jersey Girl. Who else is in Jersey Girl?

That's according to Len Moulton. He doesn't usually make shit up. Congratulations, Shelly. Where's Shelly at? Come get your stuff Shelly There she is Congratulations Thank you so much And we'll sign those for you afterwards

If you just Congratulations Shelly I really thought it was playing with you. And let me see your name tag. Does the Shawshank name tag have a chicken shit in it? It's in a booklet that kind of pulls out. Yeah, it's very clever to keep you from reading it when you're not supposed to. And it's an obvious one that I'll be happy to say at the end of the show.

But let's have another round of applause for Rob Mayer and Ari Shafir. And it's, you know, an obvious one that I'll be happy to say at the end of the show. But let's have another round of applause for Rob Mayer and Ari Shafir. Thanks, guys. I'm flying over to the Comedy Underground tonight. My favorite club. This is my second favorite place to play in Toronto because we can't smoke in here. And as always, Rob Ford is a shithead.

Shall we, uh, play a game? Yes! Shall we play a game? Yes, let's play. Let's play a game. Life is a's play. Let's play a game. Life is a game until you die. That's right. Roll the dice, Bruce.

You'll enjoy this game. It's called Me Punching You Senses. And I'm raping your city, Bruce. I like how Bane has that thing on his face that, like, you know, he needs it to breathe, right? Yeah, it does. You're never raping your city, Bruce. I like how Bane has that thing on his face that, like, you know, he needs it to breathe, right? Yeah, he does. He needs it to breathe right. It's basically his wife hated his snoring.

That's it. And she's like, God damn it, you better do something about that. Everyone in the prison was like, Bane! Why? I can't get up. I'm just trying to sleep over here. I don't know why I gave him a wife. His wife was complaining. I meant his prison bitch.

Let's pick a name tag for you to play against, Sean. There's a lot of great stuff in the bag. You included a copy of your book. Can you describe your book for the listeners? Well, I... Don't talk into your beer. Use your microphone microphone, not your beer microphone. Well, here's the thing. There's a desiccated rabbit that was put on there. She's got quite an elaborate

air pod golden receiver. It's a football and a flaccid dog. Football receiver. I get it. Now, Milk is, this is called Homework for Grownups. It's basically a review of everything you learned in high school, but forgot completely,

and you can test yourself. I wrote the foreword for it. Well, congratulations on that. Everybody should check it out. And also my hockey card. Oh, yeah, your hockey card is in there. Yes, my hockey card for my team.

And I play hockey and it's happening. Another guy after the first show gave me a purse that has weed in it. Was he trying to persuade you of something? No, he just gave me a purse with weed in it. Jeez, that's weird. And yeah, he said, put the purse in the prize bag so we can win this beautiful purse. Put the purse in the prize bag.

Yes. He puts the purse in the prize bag. So we can win this lovely clutch. And we also have, I stole another copy of Ari Shaffir's Revenge from the Holocaust. And that's at Smut Life. And also, I was recently in Knoxville, and I went to a place called Cumberland Glass, and they have lots of cool pipes and stuff. And they gave me a shirt that I'd like to pay forward

and say thank you to the folks at Cumberland Glass. And Sean, pick a name tag that you'd like to play against in the Leonard Walton game. Well, I guess I, you know, I should pick you because you re-interacted. Paves of Thunder. That's pretty good. What is that one? I was making a friend for the end of the world. Okay.

Making a friend for the end of the world. And there's a sphere of some kind. Oh, is that the volleyball from Castaway? It's Milson. Yeah, his name is Matt, so he changed it to Milson. We went through this earlier. A grand failure for me. Sorry about that.

No, I know. Cupcakes? He's got cupcakes. Okay, I'm going to take the cupcakes just because we're hungry. No, I don't want them. But you come up here. Yeah, come on up. Come on up.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. I'm so sorry, everyone, who went to some effort to do these things. I apologize. All right, so just stand next to Sean. You'll share the microphone with him. I won't, really.

Yeah, share it with him. Show us the cupcakes. Show us the cupcakes. Yeah, that's really the honor. Angela. Shithead. Do not read the shit. Yeah, that's really beyond a... Angela! Shit head. Do not read aloud. See what it says on it? Do not read aloud. Yeah, so you have to read aloud. But you don't, because it's on the other side. Bless you.

Jesus Christ. Wow, Sean, someone's allergic to the things that you're saying. I know. What's in the box? The sponsor's head? Yes. Covered in icing. And what are the, you have the name Angela on your cupcakes? Yeah, she did all that herself.

And they're good. They're good flavors of cupcakes as well, Angela. How long did it take you to do that? I ordered them on the phone. Jesus Christ. Don't sit down. She tricked you into picking her. She deserves to be up here.

She tripped? Oh, she doesn't really need a microphone. Yeah, it's okay. Leave it there. Let her have it. Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Let her have her moment. Why don't you put those cupcakes on that stool over there so you don't have to carry them

all the time. What was their name tag again? I'm standing on a stool like a child. I'm a fool. You're all over the place tonight. I'm finished with that. Look at you. She dragged this stool over.

It's very helpful. I'm going to sit on the edge of my seat. Do you want to talk into your own microphone, Angela? See how that works out for you? I'm just closing it out. She's got a technique. Hi. Hi. I'm going to sit on the edge of my seat. Do you want to talk into your own microphone, Angela? See how that works out for you.

I'm just holding it out. She's got technique. Hi. Hi. All right, you get to pick a category, Angela. Do you think you're going to be good at this? Probably not. Okay.

That's exciting. I can't wait. Speaking of Gwyneth Paltrow, what's in the box? And that's movies where Gwyneth Paltrow what's in the box and that's movies where Gwyneth Paltrow is pregnant the rice storm that's movies that have a wedding in them or Glenn so close

and that's the films where Glenn Close was nominated for an Oscar but did not win. Which one of those do you like, Angela? I'm going to take the Gwen Paltrow one. Okay. Terrible choice. There's no bad choices.

There's only choices that end up being bad. 1998 is when this movie came out. One and a half stars from Leonard Walton. He says about this movie that viewers could read a novel while watching this thriller and still not miss anything. Yeah. I don't know what else to say about it. I don't want to give anything away. It's 97 minutes long.

And Leonard lists seven names. How many names do you think it'll take you to guess the name of this movie? Amanda? Angela? Angela. Amanda Janjala?

Seven names. That's a great opening bid. I'm going. Amanda's Angela. Seven names. That's a great opening bid. I'm going to go six. You said six, Angela. I'll go five. Sean. We'll name it then. Oh!

I think that's going to be the end of Angela. I apologize. I apologize. You're playing against a real tough cookie. My cookies are so tough, children cry at daycare. Why did you have to say at daycare? Because that's where they give them cookies. Your cookies? My cookies. Your cookies? My cookies.

You think that a professional teacher or whoever is passing out the cookies would stop giving you tough cookies? You don't know how cheap my cookies are. That's all that matters. Budgetary concerns. Your five names are Hal Holbrook, David Thornton, Debbie Mazur, Nina Foch, and Jonathan Sheck. Yeah, tough names. Not very helpful, I don't think. And those last two names would be helpful. Not very helpful, I don't think.

And those last two names would be helpful. But I will say that if you could just remember a movie where Gwyneth Paltrow was pregnant, then you might have the right answer. Can you think of one? Is it Sliding Doors? Oh, that would have been nice if it was. But it's not. It's a John Grisham film, isn't it?

No. No? I don't think so. Come on, less cowbell. Um, the last two names were Gwyneth Paltrow and Jessica Lange, and the motion picture was called Hush. Hush, yeah. That is such a, that's the whole thing. But thank you, Angela, for playing. I'll send you your shindead here at the end. But take your cupcakes back, because I'm not going to eat them.

Yeah, you should keep them. Does anyone want a cupcake right now? Yeah, pass it out to people. Oh, look at her, she did this. So I'll say that at the end. I think I've said that at the end of every show here. It's a very popular shit. Thank you, Angela.

Thank you for the cupcakes. So who's next? Should we throw the cupcakes into the audience? No. Like overhand? Are we gonna pick more? Are we gonna pick another person? Here's how you pick somebody.

Take your cupcake and throw it at the person you wanna play against. And they have to use their name tag to deflect it. Don't really do that. Don't just throw it around. Who would you like to play against. They have to use their name tag to deflect it. Don't really do that. I'm just joking around. Who would you like to play against next? I think Dave's of Thunder. Alright, he's got a flashing sign. And you can probably

just hear him from his seat. He's a big fella. There's your microphone, sir. You're a huge fan. This man is so big, he's cupping my head right now. For people who can't hear at home. Okay, once again, if you can't hear what's happening right now, you're really unaligned.

Daves? Is that really your name, Daves? No. Just your singular? Yeah, just your singular. You just asked on because it was Dave's, I think. He's such a big guy. Several Dave's.

Hey, everybody, I'm Dave's. You get to pick a category, Dave's. Would you like the Dark Knightly? That's movies where Keira Knightly kills someone. Or the Werner Herzog category? That's movies, most pictures have a colon in the title. Or the Battle of Balls Deep, that's movies where Lord of the Rings actors have sex. Sex or colon? I think I'll go with the colon. Okay, very strange sentence.

Sex or the colon? I'll go with the colon. Okay, this movie has a colon in the title. Three stars from Leonard. 2007's the year. He says about this movie that it goes on longer than it needs to, but it's still very entertaining. And he says that one particular actor gives a charismatic performance as a

bad guy. That's a good clue. Not really. Three stars. And the category was, there's a colon in the title, and the year is 2007. And Leonard lists 11 names. How many names will it take you, Dave? We'll start with a 10. I'll a 9.

Wow, you're both bringing the thunder. I'll thunder it down to seven. Let's go to six, then. Six names, Daves. This is your chance, Daves. Okay, I can't do this. I'll say a name. Yes! I've got nothing on my head. I'm rooting against you, Sean, because it's a thousand degrees in here.

And the show's supposed to be over. I quit. Don't you want to hear your name? Colin. It's over. Alright. Your six names are Luke Wilson, Luce Raines,

Vanessa Shaw, Dallas Roberts, Logan Lerman, and Alan Tudyk. Good old Tudyk's is in this. Alan Tudyk. Those are your six names. 2007, three stars for Leonard.

And it was a charismatic bad guy. Mm-hmm. And it goes on for longer than it needs to, but it's still very entertaining. And it's only 96 minutes long? No. I think that was the last one. Oh, right.

I'll tell you the length. I'm not afraid. 117 minutes. Jesus. And I just... I'm just going to give the prizes to Dandruff. Sure. Luke Wilson is in it.

Don't make me lose this purse. Still has a tag. He really wanted to win that purse, Ty. Well, I'm going to say... In the contents. Princess, colon, fight of a lifetime. This one was a real good mislead as it turns out because the title

of the movie is 310 to Yuma. And of course there's a colon in the 310. At the time, yeah. So it's Christian Bale and Peter Fonda and Ben Foster and Russell Crowe. Yeah, yeah.

Shitballs. Congratulations to Dennis! You did it, dude. And one more round of applause for Sean Collin, everybody. What a good one. Throw a cupcake into the crowd. Just toss it gently. You guys want a cupcake?

There you go. There's a nice toss. Yay! Oh! Did it make a mess? Oh, there goes another one. Yay! Cupcakes. Oh!

There's a G in your face. Oh, wow. That was violent. Try to get one way back there. It's a low ceiling. It's not going to be easy. People love listening to this. Built in the audience,

but that was it. It was like, threw the box out. Oh, we really did it. And Dave caught it, because he's huge. Nothing gets past Dave's. Thank you guys so much for coming, and thank you to Angela for the cupcakes.

And as always, Rob Ford is the shithead. Motherfucking, I suppose it's you that was faked If cocky, there's no room in his heart for you Cause the cops will move in Thank you, Toronto! We'll see you on the back of that alley!