Doughboys - 7-Eleven with Fran Gillespie (LIVE)

Episode Date: July 28, 2016

Fran Gillespie (SNL, Funny or Die) returns to discuss her most frequent dining spot: convenience store chain goliath 7-Eleven. Plus, friend of the podcast Evan Susser stops by for an audience participation Snack or Wack. Recorded live at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre Sunset in Los Angeles.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

On April 25th, 1964, Ruth and Albert Azaria welcomed their son Henry into the world. Hank, as he would come to be called, became fascinated with the film industry his mother worked in as a publicist and went on to study acting alongside fellow thespian Oliver Platt. After a number of minor parts on TV sitcoms and procedurals, Azaria landed his first real voiceover role, which would come to define his career, playing an array of characters on Fox's The Simpsons, such as Motha Bartender, Chief Wiggum, comic book guy, Dr. Nick Riviera and perhaps most famously, Apu Nahasapima Petalon, a first-generation Indian-American convenience store owner who had bid farewell to departing customers with his catchphrase,

Thank You, Come Again. The perhaps offensive but certainly iconic supporting character in his fictional shop, the Quickie Mart, owe their origins to an ice salesman named John Jefferson Green who proposed selling staple groceries alongside the blocks of ice needed in the pre-refrigerator era. In 1927, Green opened the first totem store upon on toting, complete with an Inuit totem pole out in front. Post World War II, this wildly problematic theme, was changed to reflect the company's

then-revolutionary store hours, open from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m. The brand's widely influential innovations over the years included being the first to operate for 24 hours, the first to sell hot coffee and to-go cups, and the first to have a self-serve soda fountain. As a hot food retailer, it's second only to Pizza Hut and nationwide pizza sales, fourth behind Sonic, Dairy Queen, and Costco and Hot Dog sales, and number one into Keto's. In an instance of parody folding back on reality to promote the 2007 release of The Simpsons Movie, many real-world 7-Eleven's were converted to Quickie Marts, subbing

out slurpees for slushies and selling Homer's beloved pink frosted doughnuts, which continue to be offered at the company's over 58,000 locations. This week on Doe Boyz Live, 7-Eleven. Hey, everyone, welcome to Doe Boyz Live! Sounds like you guys are doing all right out there. How was everybody? Everyone all right? We having fun?

We heard, we saw on Twitter, someone drove here from Phoenix. Is that correct? That's you? What's your name? Kyle. Kyle, you drove here from Phoenix today? Yeah. Are you driving back tonight?

No. Okay, all right. A little bit of sense. Goodness gracious. Well, welcome. Thanks for being here. Glad you snagged a primo seat. Quick reminder, we're part of FeralAudio.com.

The best way to support ours and other shows in the network is to use the referral link on our website anytime you shop at Amazon. I'm Nick Weiger, and before we go any further, let me welcome my co-host, asymmetrical jigglypuff. The Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. What, what are you guys doing here? This is insane. Also you had to include a fucking insult on the live fucking version where people can see me.

I feel shameful the rest of the podcast. And thanks to John M. Roger for that insult. If you've got an insult you'd like to be used on Mitch at the top of the show, email roastspoonman at gmail.com. Even on stage, he's still a robot, still going by this little, he has this little chart here that he's going by. Thanks, everybody. Thanks for coming out to the show.

I'm very excited. Thank you so much. Really, really excited. You shouldn't have, you shouldn't have drove from Phoenix, that's insane. I didn't hear any of the information about 7-Eleven because I was backstage, but I did hear that you introduced it through Quickie Mart, which is insane. Very strange way to introduce 7-Eleven. I think it's fine.

You go out and come back. Okay, yeah, it's fine. Anyways, I want to say a special live, howdy-how. Should we hold them on the stands? Is this strange? This is, it's like a little too low to be, to just, it's like I have to feel like I'm going to lean super far forward, but then holding the, I don't know if holding the stand is more awkward than holding the mic itself.

They're both pretty bad. It's both, yeah, it's weird. It's not an ideal solution. We've got a little kinkstork on Doe Boy's Live, but don't worry, this is the last one we'll ever do. Anyways, you guys are on the podcast for those who listen to it, and if you don't, it's very strange that you're here. I do a little, some Spoon Man Drops at the top of the show, so there's one in particular

that people really took to, they really liked, but we've made a rule where a drop could only be 30 seconds. Boo, yeah, that's right. Don't boo that. What are you doing? Boo is right. But since tonight's a special night, and even though I've been warned by people who I consider comedy geniuses to not have long drops, I got an extra special drop tonight.

Check your phones, go to the bathroom, because we got a nice long drop. Hit it. Go for it. Romeo, Romeo, where's our Romeo? Again. She is? Again? Again.

It's time again. Our board? Yeah. Seven o'clock, let's go to the gym. Boo, you know it. Okay, I'm okay. Keep going. You don't like it, do you?

I'm okay. Dug duk duk duk duk duk duk duk duk duk duk duk duk duk duk duk duk duk duk duk duk. Okay. This is working out just how I wanted it to. Nick has the authority to end this at any moment if he wants to. I know you told me that. And I know what's going to happen is I'm going to say that and then you're going to contradict me immediately. No one can resist my sweaty balls.

Guys, there's four minutes of this droplet. No one can resist my sweaty balls. No one can resist my sweaty balls. Yeah, baby, yeah. Somebody's spying. Do not try to bend the spoon. It's too much. You're going to have a bad time.

I think I'll bust my head in. Hey, young. All right, Jay, I think I'm going to pull the plug on this, Jay. Jay, let's go ahead and abort mission. Abort mission, Jay. A brew dog. Thanks, Mitch. All right, cut it off.

There were three minutes left in the drop. We almost made it halfway. Hey, Kyle, what felt longer, that or the drive from Phoenix? To me, that is what live theater is all about, baby. Making a captive audience sit in silence as they listen to a lengthy, pre-recorded bit. They decide to be here. Listen, at the end of the episode.

They decide to be here. They deserve whatever you give them. It's kind of your philosophy. You have such content for anyone that decided to show up to the show. You just want to punish them for their poor decision-making. Kind of, yes. And get used to it, because you're going to get a whole show of it. We'll tag that on to the end of the episode.

Or maybe we'll just plug it in. Yeah, you know, we can put it up on SoundCloud or something. It's a separate bonus feature. A little bonus on that. That sounds very boring. Anyways, special thanks to the Kurtzetter Brothers. That's from Matt Kurtzetter, Twitter at fake Matt TV and Dan Kurtzetter.

Instagram at Dan Kurtzetter. Now, Mitch, I know we have a lot we want to discuss. We've also got a jam-packed show. So I'm thinking at this point we should move things along. Okay. And I think it's time to introduce our guest. I love it. Oh, my God!

It's the Noid! The fucking Noid! Is the Noid the guest? The classic Noid skip. Noid? Hello. Noid, what are you doing here? Bringing a pizza.

Wait, you brought a pizza? You ruined pizzas. Yeah, well, you guys ruined podcasts. Touche Noid. This is great. No, this is great. I'm really glad we did this. I'm really glad we did this.

Now, Noid, it looks like you brought a pizza there. I'm sure someone in the audience would be excited to say, well, what kind of pizza did you bring for us? It's delicious. Okay. It's got pineapples. That's pretty good. Okay, that's good.

Hot sauce. Okay, that's weird. And anchovies. Oh, no, Noid! You ruined that individual pizza. No, I made it better. Oh, God damn it. Hey, Noid, do you want to at least open that pizza box

so people know we went to the trouble of getting that pizza? There it is. Oh, there it is. And guess what? A lucky audience member gets it. Who wants this fucking gross pizza? Don't actually eat it. No, but nobody eats this.

Give it to the guy who drove from Phoenix. Where is he? Is that you? Yeah, give him the pizza. Hand it out. Oh, boy. Noid, why are you sitting back down? I just wanted to say goodbye.

Noid, thanks so much for coming out here. Before you go, do you have anything you'd like to plug? Yeah. Everybody buy your Noid on Nintendo Entertainment System. Oh, my God. Thank you. Okay. The Noid, everybody.

Thanks so much. Thank you, Noid. All right, let's bring out our actual guest. I have a question for you. Yeah, go for it. Do you think the actor playing the Noid will have the same life trajectory as Kenneth Noid, the man who...

The guy who committed suicide because he was driven insane by the Noid commercials because he had the same name? Exactly, yes. Do I think that, do I think Matt Koalic is going to take his own life? Yes, driven insane by what he just did. Yeah, okay.

I call that a certainty that it is going to happen. All right, let's introduce our actual guest. She's written for SNL, funnier died, CISO's hidden America, and you may remember her from our Subway episode. Give it up for the great Fran Gillespie. Yeah, Emmy nominated. Hello.

Thanks for being here, Fran. Thank you so much for having me. Oh, that's disingenuous. I do want the audience to know that in an actual podcast taping, all this preamble, including the introduction and your drop, the guest is sitting on a stool silently

waiting to be introduced. So now it's been like 15 minutes, say? Right. So you're just sitting there on a stool, silently, like covering the mic when you're laughing to make sure that no one knows that you're just sitting in the studio with you? It's very weird.

We have a bad system. Yeah. Do you have a better way to do it? Yes. Have a guest outside of the room and not sitting against a mic. And then when they're introduced, they can physically walk in.

Yes, physically walk in. All right. And that would be the illusion because otherwise you're sitting there silently just watching you guys. I walked backstage while I was playing that drop in Fran said to me, this is too much.

Yeah. To be honest, and I don't know how much I want to get into this, but I think all of this is too much. I said it to you guys yesterday. You mean this as a whole? I think that it's, I said it to you yesterday in,

I think, nice terms. Yeah. But it is like, when it boils down to it without any of the icing on top, it is like, I don't get why this is popular. Yeah.

You made the point. Yeah. With just a huge surplus of content that is out there. Right. That's the nice way I said it. Yeah. I was like,

there's 100 shows on your list of TV shows. My friends talk about that. Well, I want to watch a thousand movies on movies I want to watch. 50 podcasts where people talk about them and you want to be up to date. And out of all of that content

and availability, I truly am floored. I cannot believe how popular this is. I truly, I've thought about it. I've discussed it. I mean, the amount of times I'm like,

out with friends and Doe Boys comes up, actually bums me out. I like am done talking about it. It's talked about so much that like the same episodes and points will be made and you're like, is no one watching anything else? Because we're in an era where

everything is available to us. CISO is a channel. Slow down. We may have a travel show on CISO one day. Yeah. I'm not insulting anything. I'm saying there is a surplus of content. No, you're absolutely right.

But the flip side of that is that there's such a surplus of content that you should be so insanely proud of yourselves that amidst so much shit, yours has risen to the top. We got a floater. It's true. It's stuck to the wall.

And I think that for whatever reason, it's stuck to the wall. And it's great, but it's also more so confusing. Yeah. It's like I am so happy for two of my dear friends, but I don't care to discuss it anymore like it's out. Well, I think I don't like to leave the house.

You don't like to interact with people. Yeah. So the fact that this particular show, Doe Boyz Live Happened, is insane to me because we both wish to not be alive. Right. In many respects,

we don't want to be living. We don't want to be on this earthly plane. Yeah. Just the last thing I want to do is be sitting anywhere besides my couch. Which is also like completely tied to fast food, I think, where it's like, it involves minimal interaction.

A lot of the times, especially in Los Angeles, it's like a food you can get in your car and not need to interact with people. And so it allows for the lifestyle of like, I want to be as sad as possible, why not add this extra layer? And like, you know,

order the drive-thru and then eat it in my car, and that allows me to maintain this type of day-to-day, like as little activity as possible. Yeah. Well, so now you're splitting time between New York and LA, where New York feels like more of a... New York seems like more of an outdoor walking-around sort of place, right?

Yes, Mitch. New York is an outdoor walking-around sort of place. No, but actually, in all seriousness, you actually fly to the other coast and it's going to involve a lot of outdoor walking-around kind of activity, and that's actually very true. It's true.

And so when we were talking... It is, it's very true. It's true. It's a truism, what you said. Actually, when you drive into New York and you see, it says, welcome, New York, a walk-around sort of place, you are right.

There's a billboard for New York when you get there? There's a billboard for every state. Take a road trip. Actually, when you drive to Brooklyn, it says, like, welcome to Brooklyn, forget about it. It's true. Is that true? Yeah, sure.

Yes, it is. I don't mean to say short. It's fact. When you drive into states, it will let you know that you're entering a new state, and a lot of times, it will include a motto that the state hopes is endearing so you give it money. That's good to know.

See, I think the audience was informed by that. I think people know their signs at the borders of states. Maybe the Phoenix guy who drove them. But not others. What is the Arizona state motto? Do you know it? Grand Canyon State.

The Grand Canyon State. Okay, all right. But when you drive back to Phoenix tonight, this sign says, welcome to Phoenix. Are you happy you drove to Doe Boys? It doesn't... Do other states share the Grand Canyon? They do, I thought, right?

No, I think you're thinking of Four Corners. Oh, never mind. All right. Oh, no, no. What did you say? What state? Okay, Arizona. Colorado River, maybe you're thinking of.

There's another state that has the Grand Canyon in it. No, isn't it just Arizona? Yeah, it's just Arizona. They got that on one of them signs. I think there's multiple. Now, Fran, when we talked about places to go... Okay. Now, I'm going to relate this to New York again somehow.

All this is improv, but the transitions are written. You somehow decided, because we talked about a few different places, right? Yeah. Well, I mean, on our previous episode, we talked about... And this, we did kind of an emergency episode in the aftermath of the Jared Fogel arrest... Yes.

...that you came on. And so you were very game to say, like, Subway is not my favorite place, but I'll talk about Subway. But on that episode, you said that you had a great passion for Panera, so we naturally assumed, like, oh, Fran's going to want Panera.

We recorded, I think, the day after the news came out. The day after the news came out. We gave you a day of mourning. For Jared. You were inconsolable that day. And now, I'm not totally up on my Fogel news, but I think that he hasn't met an ill fate. He has? He still... No, he's still...

He's in prison. He's in prison. I mean, I think he was, like, attacked at prison, right? Yeah, he's gotten... But apparently, he's gotten some... That's the reporting. He's gotten some beatings. He's gotten... I heard he's gotten fat again.

Yeah, he's... Oh, yes, oh, yes. Oh, yes, he had gained the weight back because prison food is more fatty than Subway. Yeah. Which is very funny to think of him, like, shoving prison food in his... And he's like,

just give me my six-inch baby. Got to maintain this waistline. Do you think he can go... Can Jared go back to Subway after he gets out? What the fuck? What kind of question is that? How do we do that? Listen, he doesn't want a key to his cell.

Friends show up with a pie, and inside the pie is a six-inch cell. They're like, you're gonna want to eat the pie. They're like, hi. They're like, eat inside the pie. That friend being Wyger, I assume. It's a pretty inaccurate impression,

if that's supposed to be me. So, okay, so we talked about Panera. So, and then you threw this curveball at us. Oh, such a curveball. 7-Eleven. That's right. Now, a lot of people, you know, there was some skeptical feedback

on social media when we announced 7-Eleven, but it is one of the biggest sellers of hot food in America. And, you know, so what is your relationship with 7-Eleven? What is it that made you gravitate to this chain as a point of discussion? Well, I first want to reiterate my support for Panera.

That's actually the number one fast food seller in America. That sounds completely bad. But Panera is more popular than you realize. It's in the top 20 of all fast food chains. It's not more popular than I realize, because I know everything there is of high quality and you're gonna get good service.

You're gonna get fair prices. You're gonna get good food. You're gonna get good food. You're gonna get good food. You're gonna get good food. You're gonna get fair prices. And you're gonna get a filling healthy meal with a smile on your face.

So that's actually Panera in a nutshell. But when you brought up Panera... Hey, Frank, quick interjection. Why are you doing this? You mean the podcast? I could ask you the same thing. Because we were like, please. So Frank...

I actually, maybe like two months ago, when I texted Mitch, I was like, I think I'd like to do Do-Boys again. And then it was like such a humiliating text that I erased our entire thread across. So that the next time Mitch texted me, it was like a new thread and I was like, we're starting fresh.

Yes, we're gonna forget that I asked to be on a podcast. You're not the only person who is deleting me from their phone constantly. So I didn't want to do Panera because I feel that I had exhausted my support for it and I have nothing else to say about Panera other than it's gonna get five forks for me every time, or if it's four forks.

Yeah, five forks, yeah. And also, then it would be a couple of heavy bread episodes you did with Subway and Panera. So let's not forget that. No, thank you, Mitch. I can never forget that that would be two heavy bread episodes. Mitch is exactly right. That'd be two heavy bread episodes.

But so, you really can't have the same guess due to heavy bread episodes. Mark Marin told me that advice. He has a whole episode of Marin about it. If anyone ever watched IFC. Okay, so when Mitch was like, well, what do you want to do? I was like...

I saw the immediate regret on your face for saying that. It's like you had an IFC show for two seasons. Shit-talking the network that baited him a lot of money. Sorry. A little money, anyways. You're a hip New York... You're a hip New York... Bodega...

You're at the Bodegas. Hey, Jimmy, it's a late night, baby. Give me some submarine sandwich. You got it, Fran. There you go. Then you're walking down through Soho. You go home, you turn on Master of None, and you call it a night. She's hip, right?

I'd say Fran is very cool. She's one of the cooler people I know. No. Entirely off base. I chose 7-Eleven because early, early in my life, like when I was 10 or 11, I couldn't go to bed without eating a full meal before I went to bed.

Like right before? Right before, so when you're 10 or 11, your bedtime is like 10 p.m., whatever. And my mom would call it midnight snack, but it developed basically an addiction to having a fourth meal that then... That was something that I fully came up with, and whatever, Taco Bell.

So it was that fourth meal that you ate right before bed. There is truly nothing more depressing, and I don't care what's going on globally, there's nothing more depressing. Then waking up feeling hungry in the middle of the night. And I'll stand by that. This week, I'll stand by that last week,

and I'll stay here my next week. What the thing is, so I would eat a meal pretty much a full meal every night before bed, like a sandwich or leftovers from dinner or like pieces from rotisserie chicken. Were you eating out of the garbage? Napkin. In college?

Some coffee grounds, a lobster shell. In college, I was very poor, and my roommate had a complicated relationship with food, and her parents would come and bring her a ton of food in hopes that she'd eat their nice homemade food, and she'd throw it in the garbage, and as soon as my roommate left the apartment, I would eat that shit out of the garbage.

Oh, my God. I think that's fine. But that's one of the darkest things I've ever heard. It's not dark. It rules, it actually rules. Because a big part of it is, and what state was it going into the garbage? Was it a whole container being dumped in,

or were they dumping the food? At my lowest. At my lowest point, well, first of all, I just had no money, and I would see her family bring these amazing meals in the hopes of, you know, have this, look, we brought you dinner, and we'll just leave it, whatever.

And then as soon as her parents left, it would go in the trash, and as soon as she left, I would dig through the trash. But at my lowest point, I was scooping loose risotto out of the garbage and eating it. Wow. No, it was good.

You can't say it was good. It was good, and what I did actually rules. But it was a time where, again, going back to this fourth meal or thing, it was like, I never had in my adult life a lot of groceries in the house. I don't keep a lot of groceries in the house. I do it for myself a lot.

And so it would be like, I'm going to bed, but I'm hungry, and I want this fourth meal. So if that meant going through the garbage, fine. But a lot of times, and especially I moved to New York right after high school, and in New York, you can get anything you want to eat at any time of night. So it would involve going to Bodega,

getting a normally like a, I would say Turkey, Swiss on Rye, but at like between midnight and 2 a.m. every day. And I would always get a big whole pickle, and I would eat like a meal like that, truly every day, including, I can't count the amount of times that I would fall asleep eating a sandwich,

and then wake up the next day and have sandwich pieces on me. But that's actually very cool, so thank you for saying I was cool. Because all this really supports the theory that that is cool. Well, I think that's a good hashtag, I think, for some low food moments, right? Oh, you mean like, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Hashtag food limbo. Limbo is more of like an uncertain purgatory state, I'd say, right? Oh, I fully was picturing he meant limbo because I was trying to get...

Oh, like you're getting physically low. Like a physically low... Hashtag food limbo bar. Okay. Is that helpful? Yeah, hashtag food limbo bar. At what point the limbo bar was low? Now, if you actually got underneath a very low limbo bar,

that's good. That's like an achievement. Who gives a... Come up with a better one, then. I don't have a better... Look at your fucking iPad, and come up with whatever is written down in there. I don't have a dumb hashtag generator app on my iPad.

I would say it would be more like food shame. Food shame's good. Yeah. Food shame's great. It's just too negative because I actually... Oh, so, you know, food limbo bar is good too. Yeah. Food limbo bar.

If you opened up that business, it would go bankrupt in one week. So, in New York, this was like, I would eat a meal like this every day at night. I got a question for you. Is that sandwich at a bodega? It's actually good. So good.

Really? And bodegas will also have like a hot food bar. Yeah. And sometimes I would do that, where it's like there's everything available to you to like make a hot sandwich or like, you know, get a meatball sub at 2 a.m., 3 a.m., and that's completely available to you.

Yes. Or like an anti-pasta at like 2 a.m. because it's just all like underneath a sneeze guard. And then at a bodega, you can just get like a full whatever you want to eat at whatever hour in the day. And that's New York, baby. I told you, she's cool.

She is real cool. So you're from, so moving from New York to L.A., you've habituated this late night snack. Well, it's too ingrained in me at this point. It's too ingrained in you. Well, I will say that there is a thing, West Coast, the late night food options are rough on this. It's just different.

I mean, there's fast food places. You can never take criticism of the fucking West Coast. Just stay with it. No, I'm saying there are plenty of late night options. There's Jack in the Box. There's Del Taco. There's plenty of 24 hour places. My God!

In-N-Out burgers are typically open late. They're McDonald's, they're 24 hours. Carl's Jr. Hardee's or Carl's Jr. are 24 hours out of year. The entire idea of a late night meal is that it's fucking convenient. I'm not going out of my way at midnight or one because that's depressing. I'm not sitting at a diner at midnight or one

because that is like, kill yourself worth it. I will do that. I will sit at a diner by myself at midnight or one. And I have a great time every time I do it. My hands are tied. I like that experience. I like that solitary sort of sitting by myself at a counter. I'll challenge you and say, would you do that every night?

Yeah, I think I would. You're not going to do it every night. You want something easy and quick and convenient, which is the very nature of 7-Eleven. Hey, where are you going? Come back. Okay, so 7-Eleven... Mitch, how many times have you shouted that at a leaving woman?

It's honestly a reflex for Mitch at this point. He won't even... His back will be turned, but he'll know women are walking away from him. Hey, where are you going? Come back. I was driving up to the podcast tonight and on my car radio was a song,

I Ain't Got Nobody. And I was like, I am a caricature of my son. I'm a caricature of myself. This is insane. I was saying, I ain't got nobody. And I was driving to the podcast and felt like such a fucking loser. I turned it off as I pulled into the valet because there were people here and I was like...

Anyways, I just want to point out that you have nervously been, for most of the time, you've now stopped, but had been nervously turning your iPad back on during this entire podcast. And at the top it said, Intro Mitch. Who are you going to forget to intro me?

No, I'm not going to forget who I am. Mitch, can you imagine someone preparing something? God forbid. I've used the same general outline structure since our pilot episode, and I've just sort of kept it intact. This is the first time you've ever looked... We've done 63 of these.

This is the first time you've ever looked at one of these. This is insane. Mark Stopwatch, at one point, highlighted. Yeah, because I'm trying to track how long the show is because we have a limited amount of time. Mitch is bored at how much work goes into this that he's never known before. This is truly insane.

Oh, my God, it's so long. This is a reasonable amount of note-taking for an endeavor like this. When people care about stuff, they plan ahead and don't just hope other people carry them. Hold on a second. This is fucked up. It's not in place for time.

I don't need to do that to be like, check my phone and be like, walk out on stage. Okay, here I go. It's so insane. I don't need to do that. Yeah, you don't need to do it. Instead, you walk out and you're like,

oh, I came out at the wrong time. Was I supposed to walk out? Your impression of me is better than your impression of Weiger, I guess. Let's switch down over. Let's get to 7-Eleven. So you've got this habit. You need some late-night snacks

and 7-Eleven on the West Coast is kind of omnipresent. I mean, it's omnipresent throughout the U.S. but in LA, there's a lot of them and they're walkable, they're nearby to wherever you live. Yes, and there's one very close to me and it has become my damn lifeblood because it's like, I want something open. She's back, she came back.

The first time he's ever said that. It's your lifeblood, I'm sorry for forgetting. You don't need to breathe into the mic. Sorry, I love this man so much. So 7-Eleven was a convenient option and it became like, I go there twice a day. I go there in the morning and I go there right before bed and I spend $10 at 7-Eleven every day

and I've lived in LA like two plus years and I would say that's been going on since I kind of figured out and when I first moved here, it was like, oh, there's a taco truck two miles away and maybe I can go there and get tacos at night and then it was like, no, 7-Eleven, that's what's up and I go there, I would say six nights a week

and I spend $10 a day there. I definitely understand the appeal of like, because I've lived in walkable areas in LA, mostly in Santa Monica for most of the time I've been here. You know, yes. But I definitely understand the appeal of like, once you're home, you don't want to get back in your car. There's something walkable that's right there

or I can stop by on the way home, I don't need to make another trip out. I don't want to go a block out of my way. 7-Eleven is not and in LA, it's never going to be more than, it's never going to be out of your way. It's always on your way home and easy and it's truly, truly America's convenience store. I will agree with you there

and we're going to focus on the food they have to offer there but one thing about 7-Eleven is the convenience is emphasized because if you compare it versus a lot of mom and pop liquor stores, a lot of times you don't know what you're going to get at one of those places. I've been to places where they're like haggling with me at the register over the price of an item and that's just not an experience you're going to have at 7-Eleven. You know they're not going to be cash only

or have a credit card minimum. They're going to have what you want for the most part and they're going to be open 24 hours. And also at a liquor store that are open late and I have considered buying food there as an option. It is like people are primarily going there for liquor and they're restocking the liquor and I'm not sure I want to eat a granola bar that has dust on it.

Of course, yeah. I have, I certainly have, but like that's not my number one option and also where I live, 7-Eleven is the only thing, only food option open after midnight, which is crazy to me. Besides like a diner that takes an hour and is $3 too expensive

and it's like I'm not doing that. I can't morally give that place my business. And it's more time but there's just too much, you don't want to spend a lot of time. Also that diner close to me, I threw up in the bathroom one time and that's why I'm embarrassed to go back. Hold on a second, that's not on the diner.

Well, it was on the diner. You can get anything you want at 7-Eleven, which is great. If you run out of paper towels, you can go and get them. Yes. And then it's marked up, you know, to like $10, it's expensive,

but you can get anything you want. And you're so right, like in LA, needing to make a separate trip, like tomorrow what do I need to do? Well, I need to go and get toilet paper. What a depressing day. Yeah. But if you're at 7-Eleven,

you'll do more in a day, believe me. But if you're at 7-Eleven and it's like, well, I'm here, I can take care of those nonsense items like toothpaste. Yeah. Or... I mean, strange, but yes. Strange, what's strange about that?

Because it's this big and it's very expensive to get toothpaste, but if you need it, yes, I agree with you. It's marginally more expensive than going to like Target. And it's like, I'm not going to Target because that is a nightmare. I agree with that.

I do feel though, like a lot of people have CVSs, Walgreens, you know, your pharmacies nearby for staples. So I mean, that's often times an option. Don't get me started on a CVS checkout line. You are out of your damn mind if you go to CVS for less than 10 items. The checkout line at CVS is abominable.

It is, yeah, it is really poorly run. And then when you see a self checkout and that requires the manager to come over and deal with you. Oh, it's insane. Oh, the other day I was at CVS and the person, while they were checking me out said, give me one minute and walk to another station in CVS

where they scooped ice cream for someone and then walked over to me. And I was like, you walked away in the middle of our transaction and they were like, give me some ice cream. And I was like, this is the last time I'll be here. And I said it in a measured way. It's my local CVS.

And I just said, look, I think this is the last time I'm going to come here. And they didn't care. Now Fran, I don't want to get all frost Nixon on your anecdote here. But you said the CVS was serving ice cream. There is a, oh. Are you thinking about Rite Aid?

Oh, no. I'm sorry. You frost Nixoned her. I do. I agree with you. I have never been more embarrassed by your friend. Well, I haven't. It was the, it's the Rite Aid that's at like Vermont.

Yeah. Yeah. All those pharmacies, the checkout can be something of a nightmare. I have a very low CVS. I have a very low CVS moment has to do with ice cream. From back in, from back in my old Quincy Boston day. Yeah.

I was with my buddy stocky, Brian's. Jesus Christ. I was with my buddy stocky, Brian's stock. And we had been drinking. And he said, we should get Whippets. And he wanted to do Whippets. So I shouldn't have told the story already. You know, stocky is going to be compromised.

I love stocky. You listen to the podcast. So I apologize, Brian. So we went to 7-Eleven and we got 12 cans of whipped cream. And we put them on the counter and the clerk at 7-Eleven just looked at us and was like, what's this for? And then stocky reached into the frozen ice cream section and pulled out the tiniest pint of ice cream.

And the guy was just like, fine. And he sold us all these Whippets. And we went home and I became as dumb as I am today. Are you sure you want to do Whippets tonight? Good job. Stockford, we care. What night could it hurt? We just aced our finals. All right, so far we've talked about this week's chain, even less than usual.

So let's get into 7-Eleven a little bit. People care, but if you have opinions about 7-Eleven. So we went and I'd say we kind of got a 7-Eleven potluck among the three of us. We got a boatload of items and we sampled all of them. And we had our opinions on them. I think I have a full list of everything we got. I need to fill in the gaps, in particular,

with reference to your beverages. In fact, maybe we can start with the beverages. So I got the Birthday Cake Fanta Slurpee, which a birthday cake slurpee to me. I like birthday as a flavor, but birthday cake slurpee just doesn't really grow. We like birthday as a flavor. I like the flavor birthday.

Birthday has become a flavor. Stop saying it like that. It's like kind of an ambiguous frosted yellow cake sort of flavor. It's very distinct and you get it in ice cream. There's the birthday Oreos. It's a flavor. In 2016, birthday has a flavor.

I really like slurpees. My lovely wife Natalie loves slurpees. She would get a Coke slurpee every day. She did that for like 10 years. Every single day she'd get a 32-ounce Coke slurpee. 32 ounces. Yeah, a shit load. So she did that for a long time.

For a time during our courtship period. Keep in mind this is written on the iPad. I don't have that written down. I don't have that written down. In the early part of our dating, in the early part of our dating, I would go along with her and get a lot of these Coke slurpees. I love the Coke slurpees.

People like the Coke slurpees. They're so good. That's so good. You got a Coke slurpee. For the first time I got a Coke slurpee. So I would say like weighing the birthday slurpee versus the Coke slurpee, the birthday slurpee is way inferior,

but it wasn't disgusting. I heard birthday slurpees, that sounds gross and I thought it would be putrid and it was not bad. It was surprisingly better than I thought it was. You know what, the thing with it was is that when you drank it, you could just taste that slurpee flavor.

Which is a weird thing. I think that there are too many instances of trying to add that extra flavoring and then that's where you really are in danger of it tasting chemically. And I think birthday is

a victim of that. For a lot of times, birthday is just like, that's too many things and then you can taste that it's like, it's a, birthday's a big swing.

You're gonna be hard pressed to find anything where the flavor is going to be improved with birthday for me. In any area. I kind of agree with you. I don't love birthday as a flavor. Okay. Now I'm also doing it and it makes me mad.

Birthday ice cream, it's too much happening for me. I like cupcakes, slash pie cakes with... Wait, hold on, hold on. You think cupcakes are pie, but when you said, you didn't change it from cupcakes to

cup pie. You changed it from cupcakes to pie cakes. You swapped out the cup part. I stand by what I said. I like fun Fetty cake. Oh yeah, but that's not birthday. But it's close.

No. Are you serious? Like an angel food fun Fetty cake. And then just like birthday cake flavoring. There's like too much pumped into birthday cake flavoring. That is manufactured.

And so you're really gonna be hard pressed to find any birthday flavor that's gonna be better than another flavor of the same type of vehicle for flavoring. I think the closest it's ever come is the birthday Oreo. Those birthday Oreos are real good.

Especially the golden birthday Oreos. They're very good. My favorite slurpees just growing up were always like the cherry and the pina colada, which is the one you had. Oh yeah, I had pina colada, yeah. And I was saying to Mitchie that I always would get, I would mix Coke and cherry.

There was a 7-Eleven by my high school and I would get a like Coke cherry swirl for like a dollar nine most days after school. And that's like you're not, you can't go wrong with that. I love, I genuinely love slurpees. I really do.

And I wonder where you rank as far as there's slurpees and there's ICs and there's slush puppies. So wait, what do you mean by, what's a slush puppy? Oh, you don't know slush puppies? No, where's that from? Is that an east coast thing? Really? Oh, wow. Alright, yeah, it's an east coast.

It's more of like, I guess it would be kind of compared to like water ice you have right in New York. Is that wrong? It's wrong. Alright, forget I said that. Well, what? Oh, it is right.

Water ice to me has those like frozen popsicles that you cut the top off and then slurp. They come in like packs of 70. I was speaking specifically about Jersey, Pennsylvania water ice. Shave ice. Yes, we should hand the microphones

off to the audience. It's like crushed ice and then you put syrup in it. So it's way more you're just kind of kind of like a snow cone sort of thing. Yeah, that's different than a slurpee to me. It is different, but I think those are the big three to me, but I'm shocked that people don't know it.

So anyways, it's just IC and slurpee, I guess, is the two and they have a shared history, right? Yeah, I honestly don't know. I think someone would come in with something. IC and slurpee went to college together and dated in like 1992. I think that slurpee machines

were I think 7-Eleven bought a bunch of slurpee machine I'm sorry, IC machines. And slurpee is an IC, but with different syrup. IC is more dense. IC is like more dense and thick and slurpee is like more ice. It's a little

airier, I feel like. Okay, yeah, yeah. I think so. So what's your favorite of the two, I guess? Well, I'd rather have a slurpee than an IC, but I grew up on, I had ICs first and then I had slurpees later in life. Okay, I had slurpees first. Yeah. What about you guys? Who's Team Slurpee?

What about where are my IC bros at? Kind of even. Kind of even. Yeah, well people have not many. Slush puppies? See? Surprising contingent for slush puppies. It's not weird. Anyways, I genuinely love slurpees and they are such a big

part of 7-Eleven. It's okay that we're spending this much time on it. I see you staring daggers into me, but. No, I agree. I mean, it is like a crew. I mean, 7-Eleven is about like, I feel like chiefly about beverages. There's food there, but I think a lot of times there's, you know, the slurpees and the big gulp. And I think there's the 7-Eleven

big gulp and the soda fountains is an underrated part of the experience because they have very good fountain sodas there and they have a lot of options and they're very consistent in terms of quality. Yes. Yeah, but let's talk about the food a little bit. So, I'm going to run through the roster of everything and if I missed anything, you guys let me know.

But this is everything that I have that we got in terms of hot food and then we'll get to the desserts later. Okay. We got a full pepperoni pizza, which just costs $5. A buffalo chicken roller, jalapeno and cream cheese taquito, big bite hot dog, club stacker ham sandwich, chili cheese nachos, mini tacos,

classic cheeseburger, classic chicken sandwich, chicken wings, bean and cheese burrito. Did I miss anything there? I think that was everything, right? Well, I got those 7-Eleven pop rocks though. You got the pop rocks. Those are desserts, sorry. Those kind of qualify as desserts, but yeah, that is what I missed. And we got the slurpees, which we got. And we got the slurpees,

which we talked about. That was everything we spent $40 or so at 7-Eleven. Among the three of us, yeah. Yeah. It was really, yeah, it was a foolish use of resources and an unpleasant meal. But for me, the

highlight was that pepperoni pizza, because there's a big difference between the slices that they have sitting there, the hot case, and that full pizza that they'll heat up from scratch in terms of how that'll come out. And that full pizza is very edible. It's so very edible.

Listen, a pizza a pizza is a pizza is a pizza. Does that agree? Yes. The New York signs coming out, baby. Listen to me. You know New Yorkers are always saying that all pizzas are the same.

But truly, it's like a Giordano's pizza. It's absolutely equivalent to a 7-Eleven pizza. And you eat Giordano's pizza. I also disagreed with that.

I'm thinking of Giordano's pizza. I grew up in Chicago, so I'm saying Giordano's which is a deep dish. That's actually where the crust is on the bottom. And then you're going to have your cheese and then sauce. But, I'm thinking of Giordano's. But it's like, you know, an oven pizza

and we got a pepperoni and it was good. Yeah, it was totally fine. You guys really raved about this pizza and you were like, hey buddy, pizza's the best. And I was like, oh no, you're like, try it, guy, it's good. And I was like,

alright, and so I tried it and it was because it was freshly baked, it was better, but the dough is awful. Yes. And we're the dough boys. In case you've forgotten. And we should care about things like that. It just

isn't, I don't think a pizza Giordano's I like would rather have a Celeste pizza. But I'll go into that in a minute because you can also get a Celeste pizza at 7-Eleven if you want. But it wasn't, it was, it was maybe the king of the meal. It was fine. We all

finished our slice. No, that is the one. That's the one thing pieces away or whatever. But the slice that we all started we each finished. That's true. I feel like everything else, there wasn't another thing that I finished all of everything else. I had like a few nibbles of it and I was like, that's enough.

That's very true. Any other highlights? The buffalo chicken roller and the jalapeno and cream cheese toquitos, the two tubes were pretty good. I like buffalo chicken roller. Yeah. I mean, it felt super processed, but it had a good spice to it and it was as

advertised. It didn't taste foreign from what you'd expect. Yeah. No, I enjoy the buffalo chicken. See, the rollers to me was kind of like when I was like 16 or 17 or when I was younger, that was kind of when it was late night or something. That was the good thing to get. But for me, it was bakery

sticks, which I think they've discontinued which were kind of like breaded rollers that had pepperoni and cheese in them. And that was like my big thing going to 7-Eleven, I get a couple bakery sticks, which they would give out for free at the end of the night because they are garbage, I guess.

But I think that the rolling section is good. You guys were kind of grossed out by it. The rolling section is to me, what has been there the longest and it's the stuff that has the least natural color. You're right.

There was a hot dog with bacon wrapped around it that was like a cool gray. Like it was like a deep cool gray and I looked it in its eyes and I wanted to be, I wanted to honor the podcast and try everything, but it was like

that's something that will make me call out of work the next day. It was like the color of a stone man from Game of Thrones. Just this disgusting dark gray. That being said, we ate the crispy tacos and those were black. Those were really, yeah.

That was the worst bite of the meal. That was the worst bite of the meal, you're right. They were fucking disgusting. And I made the mistake of one-shotting mine, I just put the whole thing in my mouth. It was really gross. But it's basically like... You also said check it out and you one-shot it.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, and he didn't just he didn't just eat it like this. He tossed it in the air and then did a couple claps and he caught it. And then when he caught it and chewed it, he was wearing a leotard. It was very beautiful. And it made walrus noises around the room.

If I could do that, this would be a much more entertaining show. Um, I uh, no, it was like, it was, the meat was black. It was black. It was black meat, yes. It was really, and then it was like a tortilla chip sized taco basically, but really, really processed and really old.

Fran spitters out, you didn't you spit it out, you chewed it for a few seconds and spit it out. That's what I do with all of my food. I couldn't swallow it. I really, it was like chewing and it was like, this is not food. It was like, it felt like plastic kind of.

And speaking of things that displeased you, Fran, I feel like your club stacker ham sandwich, which you were optimistic, uh, going in, you were like, in fact, I think you were pretty confident about the sandwich. I thought, I was like, I don't really have time to eat dinner, so I need to find something at 7-Eleven that will be my,

constitute my dinner. And I do frequently get like a, um, turkey prepackaged sandwich at 7-Eleven just like a one slice. But I went for ham, I went for a club and it had ham and bacon in it. And the

ham, I mean, it was like rancid. It was rancid. It was, I couldn't really tell what it was, and it was the biggest displeaser. And it was 4-69. Which is funny because that's a lot. It was a lot. It's very expensive, but I feel like, so for me, I'm going to just

go on my little 7-Eleven right quickly. Go for it. Um, I feel like those cases where you get the, the kind of the sandwich case is usually safe. Because there's some things at 7-Eleven that you can't, like, there are a lot of fans who are people who are fans of the Italian club sandwich at 7-Eleven. And like

these other sandwiches that you heat up. But that, that sandwich was disgusting. I feel like the case where we got our chicken wings and those mini tacos was fucking disgusting. It's, it's ironically like the hot case and the hot rollers are more disgusting and less

hygienic than the stuff that's chilling. And that's maybe a little bit older. Yeah. And then you heat up in the microwave. I think the rollers are okay. I think you can get a big bite at 7-Eleven and it's not bad. It was disgusting, I'll admit. But um, the mini tacos and those chicken wings, the breaded chicken wings were

Those are terrible. It was one of the worst moments where I was eating and I was like, why do we do this? This sucks. Yeah. I, I described the, I described as we were there, as we were eating them, the chicken wing breading. I kind of had the texture of like Thanksgiving stuffing. It was just so like, it wasn't crisp at all.

It was just gummy and gooey. It was so gross. And the guy there picked out good ones for us. Yeah. He was like searching for good ones. Oh yeah, we got the hook up. Okay. You did 7-Eleven. It was like, I got you. Well, he wasn't as he wasn't as helpful with my, I got

the cheeseburger and the chicken sandwich which was like a, which was like a crispy chicken sandwich. And they're kind of, they're kind of promoting them at 7-Eleven. Yeah. It's $1.99 in the window. If you, if you go up to 7-Eleven you see them. They were in this case and the case was blocked

by a big thing of waters. They have waters stacked up at the front of 7-Eleven. So I was like, oh no one is going in here because you can literally not open the door. And I asked the guy, I was like, can I get like a chicken sandwich and a cheeseburger? And the guy was like, ugh, he was shocked.

It looks like no one wants to get him. So I got both of those and they fell into the category of like the dark gray meats, right? Like the, yes, the stone men looking meats. But, and also too, it's not, we're not talking about something that you're getting for

super cheap. $1.99. You could get, I mean, the McDonald's, if we're going to get a super cheap burger, get something out of the McDonald's value meal, or value menu, you got something a lot more satisfying, a lot hotter, a lot fresher. Yes. It was just, I'm just like, who is this burger for? Who's going to spend $1.99 for

something this bad? Millionaires with terrible taste. And the chicken sandwich, so I think the chicken sandwich was even worse than the burger. Yeah, it was somehow worse than the burger. The burger had like that like school lunch vibe to it. It felt very much like a burger you would get in a

shitty school. If you went to a shitty public school like I did, that kind of cheese burger you would get on like a white styrofoam plate. Yeah. It was bad. It was bad. It was a bad experience. I don't know if, I think the standout was the pizza. I think every other thing was bad.

You know, we had a, this is reminding me real quick, we had a little cafeteria in elementary school. We had a vote for top food once. And I was like, oh, pizza's got this. There's no problem. Pizza's got this. At Lakewood, California, anyone want to guess what the winner was? Number one? You'll never guess it.

Any guesses out there? Spaghetti. Spaghetti, pretty good guess. Anything else? Nuggets. Nuggets. Nuggets are pretty good. Tacos are pretty good. Chicken fried steak. Ew. Kids love chicken fried steak. I was like, I was looking at, it was the first time I felt like democracy

failed. I was like looking at my classmates. What are you doing? What did the, what did the vote affect? It was just like people wanted to know. It didn't affect, it was just a survey, yeah. So then they didn't respond. It was just like, the fun for the kids is they could vote on the food.

Yeah. It's just a fun thing for like the newsletter or whatever. I don't know. It was the 80s. Fuckin' old ass. I'm a year and a half older than you. That's enough. And then you also had the chili cheese notch.

I had the big bite hot dog, which I'll talk about real quick. That was real bad, that the hot dog was old. The toppings kind of saved it. But you got the tiny one. There was a quarter pound. I know there's a quarter pound one. There's a quarter pound big bite that looked good. I think it's fair to evaluate, okay, let's say I want to get some, let's say I have a, I'm on a little bit of a budget.

I want to get that 99 cent little hot dog. No, this is the big bite. The hot dog that looked like the damn Charlie Brown Christmas tree that was like, no, no, no. It was a sad little hot dog. And then he like added toppings to kind of like put the blanket around and suddenly it was going to be a fuller tree and it was like.

No, it tasted like shit and you should have been able to tell it looked like shit. But I think as part of our evaluation, as part of the science of this podcast, we're going to say, if we're going to say the default hot dog at 7-Eleven is not worth your dollar and you have to, you have to go in there, if you're going to get a hot dog,

you're going to have to budget for going, for upgrading the quarter pound big bite. I think that's something that our listeners should know and I think it's worthy of us evaluating. Well, what about people who would want to know about the quarter pound big bite? We're talking about the science of the podcast. Oh, fine, you're right.

Okay. Anyways, let me just say this. Yeah, go for it. Here are the things that are safe to me. And I think that the nachos got second place. If you get those chili cheese nachos, it's a bag of cheese and the thing, you push the cheese and you push the chili.

Yeah. And I put some jalapenos on there and it's not bad. They're not bad. They're not the best nachos you're going to ever have, but they're okay. And then that quarter pound big bite hot dog is good. You picked the weird gray little one that was shriveled up

and had been there for maybe more than a day. But if you get the regular size, if the quarter... I got the regular size. You're saying if I get the larger size. If you get the larger size, I'm thinking of me. When I think regular, I think big man. And then those sandwiches in the stacks

and sometimes the taquitos can be okay. Everything else at 7-Eleven, as far as food goes, is garbage. I liked my bean burrito and that's a fact. It was great. And that comes from the cold case though. Yeah, it was great. It was a bean cheese burrito and that's what one tastes like.

Okay, real quick, let's talk about the desserts and then let's move on to our four gradings. Birthday Cake Slurpee Donut and the Sour Watermelon Slurpee Donuts were the two donuts we got. And then we also got your Pop Rocks Fran. I thought the donuts were both. I was expecting the worst with both of them.

The Birthday Cake Slurpee Donut really just kind of was a birthday flavored donut. It was fine. Tasted stale, but all their donuts taste stale. You love birthday taste. I like birthdays flavor. Here's the thing, I thought that Sour Watermelon Slurpee Donut was well executed but I don't want sour on a donut.

I felt like that was just, you seem to like that one, Mitch. I liked it alright, yeah. Do you tell when you go into a donut shop I don't want sour on my donut, please. It's usually not a disclaimer you have to give because very few donuts are sour. And a sour donut, those are flavors that just don't mix.

Sour donut is like, think of a donut and then what would make it bad. Like if it was sour. That's 7-Eleven's thing, 7-Eleven likes to sour stuff up recently for real. Sour, it's like if you, if there was a cereal called like spoiled milk.

Right. Like that's not the flavor you want with that. And so like a sour donut, it's like whoever thought of that, it was like you know, 5.59 on Friday and they're like, we need one more before we let you go. Sour donut, like that's like

thrown in and I'm sure it will coming and as quickly as it goes. Yeah. It's a part of the birthday celebration and the 7-Eleven donuts are okay. I remember they're fine. They're good. I remember on Christmas Eve, I went to 7-Eleven and

the guy at 7-Eleven was like, hey, we're getting rid of all these donuts. Do you want them? I said yes. And I got like over a dozen donuts and then I bought scratch tickets and the next day

at the Mitchell Family Christmas, I gave my Yankee Swap gift was the dozen donuts and some scratch tickets. That's great. Yeah, it was fun. Later did you walk to a bridge and

contemplate suicide and then an angel appeared and said, do it bitch. Yeah. Trust me. If there was a big enough bridge in Quincy, it would have already fucking happened.

Three donuts will visit you tonight. Alright, let's get to our fork rating. So Fran, you've done the podcast before. You know how this works. Sort of give your closing argument and then give it your rating. Give 7-Eleven a rating on the order of one to five forks. We'll start with you. Okay.

We've been really negative tonight. Okay. We've been negative about a place that we love. That we love. And sometimes I think we are hardest

on things we love. It's true. Maybe not. 7-Eleven provides me with all of my late night cravings wants.

Am I going to get a refried burrito every night? No. Am I going to get a slurpee? No. Do I go there every single night, spend at least $7 and leave totally satisfied? Yes, I do.

So what I ate yesterday I'd give one fork. 7-Eleven overall three forks. Okay. Go ahead, Mitch. Well, I agree with Fran in a lot of ways.

Here's what 7-Eleven is to me. If I'm very drunk I'm going to go to 7-Eleven I'm going to get a bakery stick back in the day when I was younger. I'm going to get a big bite hot dog maybe, but more so I'm getting something from the cold case. I'm getting a package of

White Castle frozen hamburgers. I'm getting a Gatorade for sure. That's a big thing we didn't talk about 7-Eleven is that there are suppliers of Gatorade which is one of the best drinks that there is. You have your calculator open. How close it?

Why do you have it open? I was anticipating a little math being done. Oh my god. Oh. Anyways, I can go there and I can get myself a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos which I love. I can get myself

a fierce strawberry Gatorade which I love which is now my favorite Gatorade and you should try it if you haven't had it and I wanted to even list where we rank Gatorade flavors but we went too fucking long on this fucking podcast like we always do and people had to be witness to it this time.

This sucks. Anyways. It sucks the most for the audience. Yes I know. Of course. And so for me that experience is five forks but hold on.

We have to judge it on the food so if I was just judging it on me going to get my Gatorade me going to get Cool Ranch Doritos me like oh maybe I'll get some Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream I'm going to take all this food home and eat it alone sadly and watch some TV but I'm going to be happy and it's going to make me happy that it's a place

that makes me happy 24 hours super convenient and it's been good to me all my life I like 7-Eleven it has it's been good to me my entire life I like it more than you I'd much rather have 7-Eleven exist in this world than you More reliable. But

how do we even judge it? Do we judge it based on what it's trying to do because I don't think they're trying to be any better I think that they know that that food is shitty they try to do the Doritos triangle cheese things and they fucking suck and it was such a it was like oh maybe they're turning things around no it's not good

by the way the Mac and Cheetos are very good and we should review them on the show and we never have but anyways for food it's it's like oh it's some food it's like one and a half forks you can get some great stuff but overall I have to take into account that

it's a little dream store where I can get anything I like and it makes me happy so I'm going to give it three and a half forks three and a half forks I love slurpees I mean what more can we say about the food that was an awful meal it was really bad it was

I would say that was some of the worst food we've eaten in the course of this podcast lowest quality not just in terms of like oh this is bad flavor but it's just bad quality this is just really really bad quality food and that's the thing you have to take into account eating at 7-Eleven however

7-Eleven is a beverage bonanza and this is where the calculator comes into play there are so many drink options available there the slurpee is a home run like slurpees are so great like I mentioned

me and my wife Natalie have had so many slurpees consumed so many slurpees in the course of our lives I love it it always delivers here's a slurpee tip if you get to a 7-Eleven and the light is on and it says that it's you know it's currently mixing don't waste your time waiting because that can take 20

to 30 minutes to finish mixing so the light is on on your desired flavor get a different flavor or go to a different 7-Eleven because it's just not worth the wait I've waited out for a coke slurpee before that's a long way anyway hot tip buddy but

big gulp is a good value like Mitch mentioned there's lots of bottle beverages that are very good they have a great selection I think if you need a bite to eat there you can get yourself some packaged cookies some packaged chips some string cheese from the cold case I think there's lots of options you can have to sort of snack your way to something

approximating full as opposed to eating their hot food selection which is very bad I'm with you guys based on the array of beverage options and based on just the overall convenience and omnipresence of 7-Eleven I think that's enough despite it's bad hot food

I think that is enough to push it into very solid 3-Forks territory so I also give 7-Eleven 3-Forks and then I'll do it for that's it it's a nice respectful amount of applause for the 7-Eleven corporation about what it deserves

that was like 3-Forks applause 3-Forks worth of applause very well done alright that's our review of 7-Eleven it's time for a regular segment we've got a as I open this up again you know what I should have looked up how to disable the lock screen on your iPad

does anyone know where to do that in settings how to keep it from going to auto sleep guys I look his password is cuck it's time for a regular segment we've got a food stuff and we're going to decide if it's worth putting in your mouth it's snack or whack and to bring in our snack we've got a special guest

he's a screenwriter whose credits include the upcoming film's fist fight and Sonic the Hedgehog you may also know him as the tournament of champion's commissioner friend of the podcast Evan Susser did he fall? oh there he is Evan is making his way

very gradually to the stage taking a very circuitous route he's passing out cookies to the audience it appears Susser remember we need some too wait a minute so his persona is like a high energy guy my rep

alright let's give him 40 seconds to catch his breath everybody I can't even brush up to be so embarrassing when I get out of breath I'm pretty hot do you guys mind if I take off my hoodie yeah it's fine Susser go for it

friend of the podcast that's awful here I thought that the podcast has reached its peak of self-indulgence with Mitch's 5 minute drop at the top of the show but Evan you raised the bar

just say the human shoe horn for how you've somehow wedged yourself into our show you maybe want to explain to the listeners what I'm wearing Susser made a very lengthy entrance down the steps of the theater sort of winding his way through

something like a Johnny Cookie seed was tossing cookies to the audience we're going to get to that in one second that's what we're going to evaluate the audience seems like they already went for it hey man

my kind of crowd so Susser before we get to that you're wearing a friend of the podcast which has a caricature of yourself which I had ordered because there was a mistake you made the Doughboy shirts I wasn't included

oh yeah oh shit oh my god how do we do that that's such a mistake alright I want to get to these cookies so the chronology of this is a little complicated we've previously recorded an episode where we've made this announcement Evan so if you're listening to the podcast

stick with me as I explained this looper-esque timeline but if you're listening to this podcast of the live show then you've already heard this information on our previous episode but if you're here in the theater tonight you have not heard this

so this is a little exclusive for you guys so Evan don't get too excited Evan why don't you tell everyone briefly what we've got planned for August well you know I enjoy being on the podcast but first of all it's very exciting to be included

here in the first live episode I didn't think I would be included first live assuming there'll be more and you know you joke but I really try and let you guys do the podcast and not work my way into it

but when we have a sporting event of a large magnitude it seems appropriate to do a Doe Boys Counterpoint Program and in August we have the Olympics so that's why we're going to be doing the Doe Olympics

slash the Susser games which we're really looking forward to it's going to start I guess right after people hear this to coincide with the kind of counter-programming to the real Olympics we'll see what's more popular if anyone was taking bets

on when he'd catch his breath the answer is never I the perfect person to be throwing stones what the fuck he called me jigglypuff at the top of the episode for God's sakes

but yeah it's going to be a lot of fun well we look forward to that real quick before we get to snack or whack can you confirm the rumor that in the Sonic the Hedgehog movie Shadow the Hedgehog has a fling with a Boshi from Super Mario RPG

well you know it is a live show and I want to give a little special treat but unfortunately I can't confirm more but Boshi might be in the movie unfortunately I'm not at liberty to say so Evan what is the snack you brought a little bit on the U2 like

these are Oreo cookies but wait not normal Oreo cookies red velvet Oreo cookies so they're the Oreo cookie that you know yeah but with a red velvet flavor I now feel bad for making fun I'm nervous

those look good actually I feel like red velvet had its moment in the sun it was a very popular thing for a while I think it's still having its moment yeah okay that's fair I feel like Oreo is a little late on it that's all I'm trying to say

I agree with Mitch in that red velvet was kind of like a decade ago when all those cupcakes were becoming mainstream food companies always lag behind the edgier, hipper stores and restaurants McDonald's is just getting sriracha

and sriracha was like everywhere a decade ago in high end fancy restaurants alright so let's get to let's crack these bad boys open and you guys out there if you haven't already dig into these and let's start to get some assessment of the quality of these red velvet Oreos

I think hopefully everyone gets one if you don't have one raise your hand or do something I think any people are satiated my favorite thing about red velvet is that it replaces regular icing with cream cheese and that's going to get it major points and why don't you go ahead and give it to Weiger

so that he gets some alright here we go the favorite part of the podcast for everybody you can see it live your microphone literally could not be closer to your mouth I want to be heard you know red velvet more than anything

is kind of a case study you eat with your eyes first because it is just chocolate with red food coloring fundamentally but it tastes a little different I don't think that's actually true are there any red velvet nuts or anyone that knows that it's not just chocolate ice cream

holy shit you change the pH the same thing in deodorant there you go pretty good your mom's a food scientist that can be a job I take back all the bad things I said about

science on this podcast Bill Nye what does his name still suck those are good I would even say I would even like the cream cheese flavoring to be pushed further but they're a nice variation on the classic Oreo

they're different enough to be worth having in lieu of the default which I think is always the gauge for these variants flavors and for that reason I think with this one I'm going snack hold on a second because I initially with my first taste I said

whoa these are great these are really sweet as it's sat with me it's kind of having a gross aftertaste and I don't have a water here and I'm kind of feeling like maybe it's too much I don't know if anyone in the audience is feeling that but maybe okay alright

sir whatever I also feel like this is your ploy that you need an emergency water I don't have a water someone toss me a water I went into this to hydrate it um

Susser I'm tasting that weird aftertaste um I don't and it's really throwing me for a loop because it's really a weird aftertaste um but the thing with Oreos you're going to eat a few of them and then you don't have to worry about what happens right

like yeah you deal like you're getting as many of them down as you can um um Oreos new slogan you don't have to worry what happens after what do you mean you don't have to worry

you eventually will still get to the aftertaste yeah that's true unless you keep going um there is no reality where there's a food where you just don't worry what happens afterwards why is it like you guys know Oreos

where you don't worry what happens afterwards what's the logic you just eat Oreos forever for your whole life from this point forward no one's tried to do that anyways

well this guy could be a food scientist I'm really on the edge right here but by a hair this makes it a snack for me too because I would probably wash it down with something maybe some milk but it doesn't really go well with milk I don't think

that's my guess but by a hair it makes it a snack for me you guys it's good it's an Oreo I like the cream cheese icing it's satisfying I'm never going to just eat a cookie and then like

all in a day you're going to have water or something I mean that's like a full snack to me I don't know there's no reality where it tastes that much different than a regular Oreo which we can all agree is snack sister what do you think

the aftertaste I think is real I think it was a very good point of me to bring it up um but I think the reality is if there are leftover boxes around the theater afterwards I'm going to take them all

so for that reason I feel to avoid being frost nixened I'll have to I'll say snack it's an official snack there's a fifth vote here from our audience

so should we do this by applause or should we do this by a snack or whack vocal vote yeah vocal vote silent ballot what's that you can be the person to run through and collect the ballot alright so here's how this will work

I will die I'll queue each option and then you yell out what your preference is one at a time so if you want to if you think that the verdict is snack yell out snack now alright and if you're a naysayer you think the verdict is whack

now is your turn to yell whack I think the snacks have it clear snack alright that was snack or whack still a pretty big whack still a decent sized whack contingent good job

give yourselves a hand is it interesting for you guys considering it's the first live podcast is it interesting for you to see when people hesitantly clap yeah because you don't know at home

what elicits excitement and so I imagine doing it live for the first time it's like okay people are almost on board for that no this will haunt us big time to know how people react to this podcast is awful it's an awful thing we should have opened this box

it's great to just get like consistent tepid responses to each one of the like pre-planned segments yeah that must feel good I'm serious that you're like whoa people are clapping for a segment they know oh I felt opposite I feel like we'll never do a live show

again and the podcast will end at the end of 2017 I mean if it even makes it that far alright just like a restaurant value feedback let's open up the feedback so we've got a we normally take an email but as we mentioned on social media

since we've got you guys here we figured we take a question or two and we've got a mic set up here so if you have a question that you'd like to ask us feel free to just step on up to the mic anyone at all we'll just take the first we'll probably be someone from the lower rank anyone who's got a

oh I see a couple of people stepping forward hi hi how's it going oh perfect two gentlemen in red shirts hi what's your name Alex one more time Alex hi so Alex what's your question we aforementioned transport of quickie mart experience and products

to the gorgeous and evocative painted mcdonald's muppet cups to I guess the evocative and yet intricate burger king watches for films like the lost world Jurassic park what's your favorite movie tie-in

promotion and also why did the force awaken suck wow wait are you asking or you think it sucks yeah it's really boring yeah that guy's great I want to I won't entertain that last question but the bulk of your question

I have a quick answer what shot into my head was a thing I was very excited for a movie that was ultimately disappointing but a very fun piece of merch the taco bell congo watch and I got the taco bell had a tie-in with the michael creighton movie congo that you got it they had

a number of watches you could wear I got myself a gorilla watch and I would go to school every day and it was a real hoop what about you guys so you had a real great time wearing a watch yeah it was great it got me hyped for the movie because I looked at it every day I'm trying to think of one that I really remember and the one

that I do remember was the casper pizza hut tie-in and you got these little you could get each of the ghosts right puppets and I remember going with my dad and we got some of them they glow in the dark and I remember my dad I feel like I felt like that thing where I was like

I feel like I'm too old to be getting this and I think I could sense that coming off my dad but another thing that I another one that I just fondly remember it's not a movie tie-in but was the fraggle rock racers from McDonald's oh sure yeah and that was just kind of like a big yeah not

not a movie tie-in but also I'll tell you why force wagon sucks it was the script was bad JJ did not do a good job directing it and it was garbage and people pretend to like it including lager anyways that's it thank you thanks Alex wait

do you have any thoughts on that one I would say if it was burger King or McDonald's but the Flintstones tie-ins yeah where you know they would do like the really like big sizes of everything but then a few years later like that's just a large now sure but yeah I would say the Flintstone

did they do the Brontosaurus burger is that only at Universal Studios I feel like they maybe did that well that would be fine okay so something you may have imagined maybe something possibly dream up tonight Fran and that's this is not specific but the

Hot Wheels racers where you pulled them back and then they would go really far did they have those in McDonald's Happy Meals I think probably yes like a Hot Wheels where that it would get the wheels all hot and then you would let them rip yeah I know and then you'd fly them off the table maybe

if you were feeling risky I told you she's cool we get time for a couple more questions real quick a gentleman in the red Doughboy shirt hi what's your name hi I'm Kevin Kevin what's your question Nick you're a cuck you got balls my man that was good

thank you so if you had a choice for where Mitch could take your lovely wife Natalie yeah what restaurant would you pick what restaurant yeah what restaurant would you pick for Mitch to take

Natalie out to well here's the thing he's gonna answer I have an answer because I know Mitch is a good guy who fundamentally his Catholicism would compel him to respect the baritile vow

and I also know that Natalie is a woman with some taste in men so there'd be no real risk there so I'd want her to have a great time so I would say I'd want her to go to Rustic Canyon in Santa Monica which is a one of her

favorite restaurants and it's also a place where you guys could enjoy some spirit some libations don't look at me this is not weird fuck you and punch him in the face so that would be my answer

and thank you so much for the question thank you alright question begins with your one more question the nice lady in the Doughboyz Blue Doughboyz shirt hi what's your name hi I'm Jessica

so he already stole my thunder I was gonna ask what your cuck style was Jesus Christ and you can still answer that but then I have a question just left for Mitch this is for my friend Reese Tom Brady just accepted his

four game suspension one your thoughts and two why do you blame Bill Nye for it we truly don't have enough time left for me to get into my thoughts about it but one it's complete garbage my fellow is insane Roger Goodell is mad with power

it's crazy and I can't even get to talking about it and I feel bad for Brady of course I've met him he's a good man I caught a pass from him he walked by me and he thought it was a mirror at one point granted a fun house mirror

but uh I love the guy I think it's insane what was the second part of your question why do you blame Bill Nye for it because he lied he put out this data about the balls deflating that was just not true it's really not true

if you look at the date there were there was a kid from Massachusetts you know what I'm just gonna sound like an idiot I can't, Bill Nye is smarter than me I know that oh man you're really smart listen he's not that bad

he's an Ithaca guy and I went to school in Ithaca he's fine he just lied about this to get some attention it's true he lied Mitch is backtracking because he thinks Bill Nye might hear the podcast anyways all science is false

all hail the mighty lord Jesus Christ awesome great thank you very much for your question big hand for all our questioners thank you if you're listening to this podcast and if you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants you can email us at doboyspodcastatgmail.com check out our facebook page

doboy's follow us on twitter at doboyspod if you have a free second rate and review us on itunes friend Gillespie you got anything you don't want to plug you don't have to no I love this part of podcasts I think it's extra awkward to do live right we could have just admitted this uh

Saturday Night Live is in reruns this summer if you missed some episodes this season you're gonna be able to see them again and guess what surprise the doboys are hosting this next season of SNL the whole season that's right the final season of SNL

I do have an earnest plug actually yeah go for it to watch comedy bang bang on IFC great show who knows how many episodes are left and it's a great show and if you haven't seen all the episodes you should go back and watch all of them

because they're great and before we wrap up I have a little surprise for Nick Weiger little wise the burger boy we've been doing this podcast about a year and Nick's a great friend in reality it's been a hard time

but I have a little surprise I made a little something and it's just about the year we spent together and our friendship and if you don't mind Jay if you wanna play that right now ladies and gentlemen this is dedicated to Nick Weiger

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

burger boy you really are annoying burger boy you drive me nuts burger boy your pins are all done I can't believe it's like forced awakens I really wish that you would die

burger boy your wife should really leave you burger boy marry me burger boy put a loaded gun inside your gaping mouth didn't pull the trigger old cunts deserve to die

burger burger burger burger burger burger burger burger

burger burger burger boy burger boy you really are annoying burger boy spoof of the mail burger boy

burger file burger file burger boy burger burger burger burger Mitch that was really great there is no fucking way you made that

special thanks to Jefferson Dutton for the song and to Chris Van Artsdelen for the video which he made in a day awesome that was awesome that'll do it for this episode of Doe Boys Live wanna thank everyone who helped out with the show today Frank Gillespie

Evan Susser Matt Gualic is the Noid our producer, Dustin Marshall our intern, Usong Liu Jay in the Booth, Mike Mitchell the Spoon Man I'm Nick White and I'll do it for Doe Boys Live happy eating, see ya