Doughboys - Arby's 2 with John Hodgman

Episode Date: November 2, 2017

Writer and comedian John Hodgman (Judge John Hodgman, Vacationland) joins the 'boys for their return trip to Arby's to review some of the latest menu selecions, and to chat about New England food and being young instrumentalists. Plus, a mysterious edition of Snack or Wack. Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I feel that being an artist is about giving, and I'd like to give this to you. With these words, a tearful Ving Reims handed the best actor Golden Globe he just won to legendary thespian Jack Lemon, a humble tribute to an actor who'd inspired his career. The late Lemon called the onstage gesture at the 1998 Globe Ceremony one of the nicest sweetest moments I've ever known in my life. Four years earlier, Reims, a hulking character actor with a distinct, resonant voice, had delivered a breakout performance in Quentin Tarantino's 1994 film Pulp Fiction as menacing crime boss Marcellus Wallace, described in Tarantino and Roger Avery's screenplay as

quote, a cross between a gangster and a king. First introduced in an unbroken over-the-shoulder shot that highlighted an unexplained band-aid on the back of his head, Tarantino later clarified it was to cover the actor's scar for the camera, Reims's Wallace hoarded at a disproportionate chunk of the movie's memorable lines. Reims's career ascended several ladder rungs after the film, and he sensed delivered memorable performances and commercial hits like Con Air and the Mission Impossible franchise and seen stealing turns and critical hits like Soderbergh's Out of Sight and Scorsese's Bringing Out the Dead.

Flash forward to 2011, America's second largest sandwich chain, which had been founded in Ohio back in 1964, had just posted a $35 million loss. With its sales declining and with its heavy, unhealthy food having become a pop culture punching bag ridiculed by The Simpsons, Seinfeld and The Daily Show, the company launched a turnaround plan that involved revamping the menu, as well as its marketing. Enlisting a new ad agency in 2013, the eatery began centering its commercials not on sandwiches in general, but on the stuff between the bread, the meat. With a series of self-aware spots that took ownership of its distinct menu offerings,

the chain found its voice, literally, hiring as their voice over spokesman, being Reims. As with his extensive film and TV work, Reims deployed his bellowing pipes to add heften gravitas to the restaurant's ridiculous tagline, We Have the Meats. The ad campaign was a huge success, injecting fun and playfulness into an aging brand and increasing its proportion of under 35 customers by 15%. And so, Ving Reims, the Golden Voice actor who gave his Golden Globe away, just may have provided this roast beef behemoth with a golden touch. This week on Doughboys, we return to Arby's.

Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants through a production of Ferrellaudio.com. I'm Nick Weiger, alongside my co-host, Newsful Ange, the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. What? Newsful Ange. Oh, news. I want to kill myself. Your suicidal Bruce Valanche is the implication. That's via Ryan Cleema.

If you have an insult you'd like me to use on the top of the show, roastspoonmedit.com is your address. I saw news. I saw Bruce Valanche in traffic one time. Newsful Ange, if he wrote for The Simpsons, that would be what they changed his name to in the credits. Ooh, that's good. How is he not? He's written for everything. Right.

Do you remember what my Simpsons Halloween name was? No, I don't. No, I think it was just like President Mike Mitchell. Like, that was horrifying. It was Michael October 31st, Mitchell. That's fun. You kind of did a meta one. I did a meta one and my mom and dad were like, you're going to get your name changed on The Simpsons.

And they were all excited. They tuned in and they called me and they're like, why would you do that? They were disappointed. They were very upset. They thought you're going to be like Spike Mitchell or Mike Mitchell. Yes. You went with Mike October 31st, Mitchell. Yeah.

Yeah. In quotations. I mean, I thought it was fun at the time. They're right. They were right. Anyways, I'm embarrassed to do this in front of a guest, our guest, but how to spoon nation. And here is a little drop. Quincy Massachusetts.

I do love Quincy. It's Quincy's a part of me. I was in a basement in Quincy. My friends from back in Quincy, I love Quincy and then like a place in Quincy and a lot of Quincy kids go. Quincy friends, Quincy people. I love Quincy. It started in Long Beach, California, which is a roundworm from and it's, what's that

about? I don't know. You just, it was funny how you just blurted that out at like, we know where you're from. Yeah. Hot in the mix up top hot in the mix. I like when these backfire on you, Mitch. I know. And you know what?

I play this before, but you know what? And we'll introduce our guests here just in a second, but that was from Grace Harper on Twitter. S G H bro. S G H bro at S G H bro. And they said, I made a drop about Quincy and how great Quincy is basically. I basically, they got you. Yeah.

I just blurted it, but also our guest is from that area today. Also, I never say, if I, if I was on the podcast and I was like, like Quincy messages where I'm from, everyone knows I'm from there. I just talk about it. I didn't. You lean on, you lean on it a lot. I'm a jerk who's listening to this podcast. That doesn't know.

Walk in here. What part of messages are you from again? You're like Quincy. I'm about to play a super cut of it. So many times. God damn liar. You didn't listen to the show at all. I forgot.

I forgot everybody. It's fine. Our guest is from the venture brothers, the daily show in the podcast judge, John Hodgman, his new book, vacation land, true stories from painful beaches is available right now. John Hodgman is here. Hi, John. Hi guys. It's nice to be here.

Thanks for making time for coming. Yeah. Absolutely. I haven't had the, well, am I allowed to say what we ate? Absolutely. I haven't had Arby's since I was a little kid. Really? Yeah.

Wow. Oh man. That's I'm a later comer to Arby's. I tried it for the first time probably in my 20s. Yeah. Maybe 1920. Do you remember where? It was Ithaca, New York.

Ithaca, New York. Yeah. I hear they have good Arby's. They have a great Arby's. And I never had it before. And I liked it a lot. Yeah. Arby Q sandwich was the first thing I ever had.

Right. Yeah. We definitely didn't do Arby's a lot growing up. It wasn't a frequent thing. No. It was a lot more frequent for me in adulthood. But my wife Natalie loves Arby's. Does she really?

She can't get enough Arby's. I didn't know there was a human who loved Arby's. She loves Arby's. I like Arby's a lot too. We'll save our Arby's thoughts for it. No. No apology needed. Let's go back to Massachusetts.

Which is from Quincy. You're from Brookline. That's right. The old rivalry. I was saying that there was a lot of funny people. I was listing the people before. You're from there. Conan is from there.

That's right. And then you mentioned another. Mike Dukakis. Mike Dukakis has another funny. I'm not even sure that he's from Brookline, but he lived there. He lived there. Okay. JFK from Brooklyn, right?

Yeah, from Brookline. Brookline, okay. JFK. Sorry, I fucked it up. Birthplace of JFK. It's a national park. The house. Wow.

It's a national park right outside of Coolidge Corner, where I used to tear tickets and sell concessions at the Coolidge Corner. Wow. Then movie house in the theater. That was my home. That's crazy. You know that place? Yes, yes.

Of course. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. So there you go. JFK, hilarious. Who else? His legacy is what he's one of the funniest presidents, JFK. Not Leonard Nimoy.

He's from Newton. Oh, all right. Yeah. George. Is it George HW Bush? Birth house is in Milton near close. Is that so? It's yep.

I did not know that. Quincy's got John Adams. Yeah. John Quincy Adams. City of Presidents. Because he got two of them. Yeah. You're really leaning on those two from the 18th century.

Well, it got that nickname pretty early on. Well, what do you got? Do you have a president born in your town? From Lakewood, California? No. I mean, we got some California presidents. Yeah, that's right. I guess if I claim the state as a whole, but yeah, my city doesn't have any presidents.

Who do you got from California? Nixon. Nixon. Nixon and Reagan. Yeah, Reagan was. But he wasn't. He's not from here. He's not naturally from here.

Yeah. The presidents were born in California. I guess just Nixon and Whittier, I believe. Whittier was not a president. No, Nixon was born in Whittier. Sorry. It sounds like a president. It sounds like it could be a president.

Nixon and Whittier and Goldthorpe and Bromwell. President Bromwell, all born. It was sad that I was like, hmm. Yes. Whittier was just not. I had no idea. Remember the Whittier doctrine? Quincy was now I always I couldn't ever figure out is Quincy named after John Quincy Adams

or the other way around or is it coincidence? John Quincy. I mean, the Adams, I think, married into that family, I believe. I'm going to get yelled at now because I don't know my. Yeah, I should. I should not have set you up for that. But that is how Brookline always wins in our famous rivalry. Oh, is that you know what Brookline is named for?

No, I don't know what it's named for, but I thank you on it. Yeah, of course. I set you up for a question that you couldn't answer. And now you look like a bad hometown hero. And meanwhile, all the smarty pants is over in Coolidge Corner. I'm like, well, he outwitted him again. With all due respect. I don't think you're talking about messages here now.

With all due respect. I don't think you get any bragging points from outsmarting Mitch. Well, it's a lot of work you have to do. He doesn't know me as well. You can just pretend I'm smart for an episode. Yeah, asshole. I don't. I'm not.

It's not outsmart. It's just okay anyway. Right. Conan. Conan. I met him once. I told him I was from Quincy and he was like guys like you used to like beat like Quincy guys used to beat up Brookline.

And I was like, sadly, I like I am like the little cowardly Quincy guy who can't beat anyway. So I don't even have that Quincy. I'm still, but I'm still terrified of you. You realize that. Don't. I mean, Nick is. You are gigantic as well.

You used to be a bar bouncer. You have a gigantic build. I was a door. I was at the snake pit on Melrose. I was a door man. A bouncer at the snake. Bouncer at the famous bouncer at the snake. I was a bouncer at the snake pit.

Bobcat Goldway came. I checked his ID. I let him in. I didn't bounce him. He got in. I checked his ID. We had to. Isn't that garbage?

And I was like, I know who he is. And the lady behind the bar was like, you have to check every single ID, no matter. Like, even if you think they're like 90, right, you have to check their ID. And then I'm like, well, it's not merely that he was obviously of age. Yes. But also he's Bobcat Goldway. Yes. Yes.

It's like it's designed to humiliate him and two levels. That's. And I'm like, I was like, oh, I'm a fan of this guy. This sucks. And I just had it like, I know I'm sorry. Like I apologize before I did it. Turns out he's 16 years old. He's aging backwards.

No one knew. He's a mystical creature. He couldn't get. He couldn't. He wasn't allowed. No, no, no. He looks like he's. He looks great.

He's fantastic. He's in good shape and loves Bigfoot. He loves Bigfoot. Whoa. Yeah, that's right. He's a brilliant, brilliant man of comedy. Are you, are you, are you a believer now coming from the Massachusetts area? Are you a believer in ghosts, schools or we're recording this in the Halloween, the Halloween

season? Oh, I would, I would love to believe in ghosts. You're too intelligent to believe in. No, no, no. It's not that. I mean, there is, there are ancient, ancient. There are old ghost tales all over New England, of course, because it is. Yes.

It is the oldest part of our, of our country. And then for white people. Right. Yeah. Do you have to remember that? Oh yeah. That's right. That's true.

If, if, if, if any place should be haunted, it should be Massachusetts where we were we first set, you know, laid our murderous hand on this country. That is true. Very true. But yeah, I like, I'm a big, like I kind of, I kind of into, I could feel like, yeah, there probably is or was a Loch Ness monster. Hmm. Yeah.

There, you know, there probably is or was a gigantic antipithecus, which is the mega ape that supposedly died out that people think might be Bigfoot. Yeah. Like all of that stuff feels like evolutionary throwbacks. Of course. Right. Yeah. Ghosts though are super, they're not just supernatural.

They're super supernatural. Yeah. And if there are ghosts in the classic definition, then that means that there, there might be something else after this life. Yeah. And that just seems a little too hopeful for me. So it does. It's hard for me to buy into, into ghosts.

I believe in ghosts. Nick, you know this. I believe in the devil. Right. You're a red man with a pitchfork that pokes you in the ass. You are. You are. Very literal.

I definitely believed in the devil when I was growing up. Yeah. A weird only child in Brookline, Massachusetts. Massachusetts. They really, they really get into there. There's just old houses there. Yeah. Yeah.

And I lived in one and my parents had a copy of the Exorcist line around. Oh boy. Old paperback copy. Right. And I was, excuse me. I was probably like, I'm going to just say like I was 11, 12, something like that. And I found it. And I just read the description of the book and became immediately terrified that I would

be possessed by the devil. Wow. And like an overriding fear. Yeah. More than anything else. You're horrified from like the back cover. Yeah. Wow.

Well, the, because the description of the book is kid gets possessed by a devil. Like, and that's all I needed to know is like, oh, if that's possible, I'm not interested. Is that a thing with a lot of young kids? Like, did you have that out here, Nick? Cause I too was afraid of that sort of thing when I was younger. You were afraid of being possessed by the devil? The devil, everything. The ghosts and all that scary.

Well, there was nothing you could do to stop the devil from getting you. Right. That's what really bothered me. Yeah. And especially if it comes to you in the form of like a charming southern gentleman. What is that a reference to? I understand you would like to play the guitar. Oh man.

I would love a golden fiddle. Thank you. He would stand out in Massachusetts. You'd probably get beat up. Can I, I'm sure I'm not the first to point this out, but the devil goes down to Georgia and they have the fiddle off. This devil's a much better player. I've always, I've been saying it's no, it's no, no contest.

There's bass. There's a bass that plays and like, like he has like a whole like, he has a bunch of people helping him out the devil. He's got like a bunch of like ghouls playing bass and stuff. And it's, it's funky. My understanding is that Frankenstein was there as well as Dracula and his son. Oh, that poor guy who made that song, I was looking him up on Wikipedia. The other night, Bobby Boris picket.

Yeah, he's doing all right. What? Well, he's dead now. He's dead now. Okay. Only his ghosts exist. I said his ghosts for some reason, but you have, you have siblings. I do.

Yeah. I have an older sister. You have siblings. I do. I have one older brother. I am an only child. Okay. And when you're an only child, you have no sibling to call you on your feces and push

you around to teach you that, that conflict is survivable. Yes. And so I was desperate always to follow whatever the rules were because I was afraid of ever breaking the rules because I thought it might jeopardize the, the, the, the love of my parents and everyone in the world, which I needed for my survival. I was, I was a fearful person and the devil doesn't care about if you follow the rules or not. Yes.

The devil wants you, just comes and gets you, takes over your body and suddenly you're sending it around. He sometimes likes you if you follow. Like he wants it. Yeah. I knew I was prime target for the devil, but is the devil like the devil personally possessing you or is he dispatching like his demon minions to be him or it could be one of his, his, his, he is one.

He is all in an outcome based analysis. Who gives a shit? There's something inside of you that's taken over your body and you are a good boy and now you're not anymore. And I would lie in bed and I had a bunk bed, of course, because all only children have bunk beds in order to manifest their material wealth to other children and to symbolize the horrible emptiness in their lives and lurks beneath them at all times. And I would lie there in that bunk bed and it was pretty rickety.

And I would just, I knew at least from the description of the book, which bunk were you taking by the way? Top bunk always. Come on. Right. Top bunk is fun. Yeah. If you have a choice, like, you know, I was a weird only child, but not so weird that

I would sleep in the bottom bunk of a bunker. Hey, mom and dad, I really want a bunk. It's not that I really want a bunk bed. It's just I want another bed above me for some reason. Right. No, I want to be up high. Yeah, absolutely. And I knew that the one of the harbingers of devil possession was that the bed would

start shaking. Yeah. And so I would wait for it to start shaking. Oh, my God. And then it would, it would start, one time it started shaking because my heart was beating so hard. And I went into my mom and I said, I think I'm getting possessed by the devil. And she said, well, no, you're not.

There is there is no devil. And I said, well, how can you be sure? This is a true story. And I said, how can you be sure? She said, well, I never told you this, but I'm an atheist. And because there is no God, of course, there is no devil. No, what she said was there, there is no devil because there is no God. Oh, my God.

And I'm like, God, thanks, mom, not really a comfort to me. That's crazy. Is that how you found that out, basically? How I found out there was no God that she was an atheist. Yeah, I did not know that. Whoa. An atheist. What was your age again?

I would say like 11 or 12 or 12. But that's heavy. That's a lot to get dumped in your lap at once. Yeah, especially when, you know, it's it's 9 p.m. And past your bedtime. Right. You got to go to bed. But I eventually fell asleep and everything was fine.

I was playing Doom 64 one night, Nick. And I had vivid nightmares and I woke up and I went into my mom's room and I said, may I stay in here tonight? And I looked back on when Doom 64 came out and I think I was like 13 or yeah, it was way, way too. It was like the last scared moment. I feel like I will not the last. Did you say okay?

She did. And you're the youngest, right? I am. Yeah. You don't want to let your children go. I mean, she said, hold on. Your father needs to get off of me. My dad got off and then I snuck in bed.

What spooked you? The cacodemon? Were you scared? It might have been the cacodemon. I think I think you don't have a super shotgun to fend them off. I did Doom 64. Now, if you look at it, it's probably a joke, but the Satanic sort of stuff scared the hell out of me, but there are some plus sides of being an only child.

I would have to imagine. Oh, considerably. This is a, this is a food podcast and also, by the way, all that lonely, like, like so much of that New England stuff just is on you anyway. So being an only child would be 10 times over. Spooky. Spooky loneliness. Yes.

And, and, but as far as meals and stuff, would, could you get spoiled? Sometimes would you, could you have whatever you wanted if there's just one kid? I would, you know, it's the dynamic shifted pretty quickly. I mean, obviously I was, I was denied nothing as mommy and daddy's very special child. Right. That's not really true. They were, they were, they were good parents. They were in love with each other.

You know, they were professionals. We, we didn't want for a whole lot. We had a nice house, but there was, there wasn't any sort of like doting on me. They were, they were, they were tough. My mom had come from a working class Catholic family of seven children. My dad had two kids that, you know, they, they, they didn't spoil me, but I couldn't help but be spoiled because I had nothing, I never had to share anything. Do you know what I mean?

And, and the other thing about being an only child, particularly in a situation where your parents, you know, are married and they love each other and everything's okay. Is it's just the three of you. Right. And so you really come to rely on each other as company as much as anything else. And so like, I just remember like, we went to a lot of movies together. You know, we would, we would eat dinner on our laps and watch public television. Our age is all sort of conformed around 39.

And they were like, they were like more like my slightly older roommates. You know, like, so the idea that like, I could act, like I would never go to them. Like the same way you would never go to your roommates and you were, unless you were a monster and go, can I please have red velvet cake for dinner? It wasn't like that. It was like, you know, we would all eat, you know, scrambled eggs or whatever. And yeah, sausages. That's what I remember.

I think when I was like eight, my best friend was probably my grandma or something like that. I feel like, boy, what? That's on a different level from what John was saying. No, I was saying that's what you mean. I'm saying that's adorable. I don't know you, Massachusetts. Yeah, I had some, I had some friends in the by plenty of block friends. You see, you see people of Brookline.

I told you there were some humans from Quincy. I don't know why I said that. No, I used to go and eat fried clams in Quincy. Oh, wait, that Tony's clamshell. Yeah, Tony's clamshell. That's one of my mom's favorite place to go get fried on the beach there. It's a it's a great spot. Nick, you threw me off.

I had something good to say and you may be your grandmother was your best friend. Yeah, my grandma was my best friend. You guys are out in the backyard shooting hoops. Helen Donovan could she could shoot hoops if she wanted to. When you guys like when you guys would play each other in Street Fighter, who'd come out on time? How'd she feel about Doom 64? She loved it.

Yeah, right. That was her last night. She wanted to play Doom 64. I think it. Final wish. Her final wish is the one last game of Doom 64. Wait, wait, wait. Don't bring in the priest yet.

We got to get this. Was Doom 64 Doom for the Nintendo 64? Is that what it was exactly? That's exactly. I'm a little bit older than you guys. Yeah, you know, Nintendo 64 was came out right in the sweet spot for Nick and I. Yeah, right. Yeah, I was I was an adult at that point and unable to afford a thing like.

Yeah, Mitch and I are adults now. We don't play video games. No, no, no. It came out during that. It was in the 90s, right? Wasn't the N64 like 90s, that kind of thing. Oh, yeah. First first 3D platformer, right?

That's right. Yeah, 1991. Seven was it, Nick? Or yeah, it would have been the 96 through 98 range. I don't know exactly where it would fall. But I think N64 came out in 96 and 87. Yeah, Nick and I aren't insanely excited about the new Mario that comes out in like 11 days. Right, Nick?

Well, before this episode comes out, but yeah, we'll be playing it right now. I mean, we would be if we were insane, but since we're grownups, we won't be. No, I like video. I play video games right right now if I didn't have to talk about Arby's. Oh, boy. That seems like I'll prove it to you. I'll play a video game for you right now. I used to play video games, but I can't because I have human children and right.

Oh, yeah. And it's and we live in New York and and, you know, our our living room is also our kitchen and our dining room like we don't have. Oh, man. There's no place for anyone to squirrel away and be alone. Oh, yeah. And and so the video games that I would like to play would be horribly inappropriate. How is that with your kids?

I'm by horribly inappropriate. I mean, just like swear words, right? I mean, like you won't be playing of the like pornographic. The only video when I was when I was in my late 20s, around the time you guys were kicking it with Doom 64, kicking it slang, because I'm still young and relevant. I was playing. I was playing hard all the time. Video games on that brief period where I actually had a gateway personal computer.

Oh, I was playing a game called Thief. Oh, I remember, which is for the the the pioneer of the first person sneaker. Right. And I love that game so much. And I still do. And it's the only video game I ever finished. Wow. And then I played Thief 2. And then eventually once I was a parent and we but we had a PlayStation. Thief 3 came out, a.k.a. Threaf.

And that that wasn't so great. Right. And the reason I loved it was, first of all, it's it was a cool story with a lot of steampunk elements. And I'm a big Huvvian nerd and I like that kind of junk. And second of all, you, you know, it you were you you got points for being in the shadows and avoiding detection. Right. So the whole game was built around conflict avoidance,

which was really built into my DNA since the time I was 10. So I really like that. So I found it was spooky. Right. And it was good. And I finished it. And then they rebooted it. Or to me, they relaunched it, reimagined it, rebooted it, I guess. Yeah, for the first time.

A couple of years ago for PlayStation, my son, who is now 12, was starting to play video games in the sweet spot. And what I remembered about Threaf was it's not no, no, no, no real. It's spooky, but no adult stuff. Yeah. You know, no bad words, no nothing. This thing, F-bombs and S-bombs all over the place in the new thief. And then there's a whole level that takes place in a brothel. Oh, boy. And I'm like, all right, son, you can play.

And, you know, just remember, these are bad words. You shouldn't use them. And then it's like, next, welcome to the House of Sin. And I'm like, no, no, no, we have to stop this now. Why? I thought you said it was OK. And later, I realized that you to solve some of the puzzles, you have to go through this brothel and you literally have to look through people's and watch people having sex. Wow.

Oh, my God. To see a symbol in the background that you need to remember to open a door later. They should go have game creep now. Not deep. Totally. And I was like, what? And it was a terrible game. It was like it was not not because of that. On top of that, yeah, it wasn't as good as the original game.

And I'm like, but why would you add that stuff to this thing? So that's I sound like a really, really sad old man. No, you sound used to be better. Make America great again. I think I think the shadows of Mordor games might be a good kind of a good thief comparison. Those are hyper violent, though, right? They are. They have stealth elements.

I haven't liked the way that they're some fantasy violence. Right. They say, OK, they chop like you can chop. You chop orcs heads off basically. So it's violent. That sounds graphic. I guess it may be it is a little. Maybe it is much is that there is their stealth in these games because that's the big thing about. Yeah, it's really something. Tons of stealth. Got it.

Or Assassin's Creed. But that's also kind of can be a little too mature, too. I will say, like, if I'd known like as like an 11 year old, if like it'd been like, oh, yeah, some day, like video game hardware will get so advanced that there will be like games with like boobs and like people having sex. Like just like the idea, like, oh, my God, I would do nothing. But like the merging of a video game and like boobs is like, like, I feel like

I just be I'd be thinking about that constantly. And then now as an adult male, I'm like, while Luigi is my favorite Mario Mario. Like I don't like I still like just like like little kid games. I've regressed to that. What's the new Mario game that's coming out? Super Mario Odyssey. Cappy is the big thing.

Cappy is the big thing. It's Cappy. Cappy is the hat that Mario can throw on to other other characters. I was just about to say, it's not some kind of hat, is it? No, it's a hat. Oh, no. Nick, we want John to semi respect us, right? Should we not go into Cappy? Yeah, well, no, no, I have I will have more respect

if you do go into. All right, this is I mean, I will not. I'm not trying to put this on to you. I'm trying to credit you. I think this is something Mitch pioneered when we're on. We're going to make this. Oh, we're going to make it. OK, we'll tease Cappy.

OK, because I'm Cappy. Clap your hands if you want to possess a goomba now. I want you to shut this down now, not because not because I don't enjoy it. I just don't want someone to take this idea. Right, right. I am afraid someone's going to make the idea. It's been I think it's been done like nine times.

It probably has been done already. Yeah, some YouTuber has already done this, right? Yeah, it must have been made at this point. I am Mario's red friend and I possess most everything. That's what that's how I was on. Cappy keep going. That's all that's all that's all you got so far. Yeah, I think it was like you guys are going to get left by YouTube.

I'm sorry. Come on, Cappy. We will make the Cappy song. We're going to make. We're still going to make. Don't don't. It's done. It's done already. We hate now when this podcast has been going for a couple of years now.

We dread having to record it a lot of the time. Right. But then we mentioned making a Cappy song and we were both smiling. Excited about the idea of a Cappy song. We should make that. We're going to. No, we're not at some point. I mean, it's over.

It's already released. If everyone within the sound of my voice, please provide evidence that there is already a a pastiche of happy called Cappy online. You are recording this on October 17th, 2017. The game doesn't come up for another 10 days. You came out. You came up with this on the road. You just can't.

You can't go on your tour like roughly you're trying to figure out if it's even before. No, I want to see. I want to see. I want to see it dated. When was the first time you ever heard a Cappy? I think I think that I probably came up with this song. I'll give myself a little cry.

I'll say like within probably 10 days ago. Let's say 10 days. 10 October 7th for a while, sit on it for a little bit. I want to make I want. It was a nice surprise for you, Nick. All right, I'm going to give you to October 1st. OK, if someone can provide evidence before of a parody of the song, Happy by name of artist, I'm forgetting because I'm Pharrell Pharrell, right?

I always think of the man in the yellow hat from Curious George and then comes right back to me. So I can provide evidence of a parody song of Pharrell's Happy using the term Cappy dated before September 1st, 2017. Oh, yes. Hell, yeah. Wait, then it's then it's mine. No, but if it's if evidence that it existed before September 1st, then it's the universe's right.

If no one can find something before September 1st, I'll give it to you. But I guarantee you by the time this podcast comes out, there are 25 of them on platforms, on social media platforms you've never even heard of. But you know, yeah, I think there's a Cappy CISO show. They brought CISO back. Yeah, it's right. Yeah, it's retro now. It's retro. Yeah. OK. Yeah. But there's already nostalgia for CISO.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all two months is all it takes. Yeah, that's it. It comes at you fast. All right, enough, Cappy. Well, as I'm Cappy, I'm Ari. I can't we were we had it going on the road, right? We had a couple of lines to it. And I was like a T Rex, a bullet bowl of like we named things that he can

possess. Oh, it's a bonsai bill. It's a bonsai bill. I told you this news on the road. We cannot. We were not getting into this. This is I am a hundred percent on board for they renamed bullet bill bonsai bill. Right. Nick's not happy about it. Well, is this a Mario character? It's a Mario character.

I broke the news to him. It's a boy. Mitch. Mitch told me I was inconsolable. I was able to do the show anyway. Why didn't they? It was he was called Bullet Bill. He was called Bullet Bill. He said he looks like a bullet.

He's got eyes on his little arms and then he flies at you. Right. And I guess they've they've they've renamed it the Bonsai Bill. I don't know if this is why did they rename him Washington Wizards Bill? Ladies and gentlemen, I just made a sports show. Right. That's that's that. I mean, that's definitely the parallel of like something where they made it more like, oh, we'll make this less tied to gun violence by removing bullet from it. Yeah. But I like I don't it's still a bullet.

I don't know. I don't know. Bonsai is this suggests that this flying bullet wants to kill itself. Right. It's more grim. Yeah. It's on a suicide mission. Well, right in time until they gave Mario a gun just just recently. Right around the same time they renamed him with with Mario and rabbits. Oh, you're talking rabbits. Yeah. OK, yeah. I mean, that's that's a different.

Let's stop talking video games. I am self conscious. I did have something I wanted to ask you about about about food, John. Nowhere's. So here's my food question. Yes. I know you went to school in New Haven. New Haven Pizza. Yes, big thing. Yeah, it is a pizza. Is that what they call it a pizza?

There there is a yeah. I mean, a beats a piece. OK, got it. You know, there's an Italian. There's a very longstanding Italian American community in New Haven, Connecticut pizza as as we now know it began a long time ago in Italian America and in Italy as a beats, you know, but got it. And there's still some places in New Haven that sell that have a before the pizza.

But those are mostly it's just pizza. It's it's the United States in 2017. Right. We all know where we live. There's no there's no regionalism left. There's Arby's in every town. That's true. Like we talk about on the show, like, oh, man, imagine going back to like the very first McDonald's and having like a

like a McDonald's like the original McDonald's cheeseburger, Nick. And but I've read about like like Italian and I was like, oh, imagine going to Italy and whatever. However, many years ago, I don't know, over a couple of right. A couple of hundred years ago. I don't know when was the first pizza. When was the first pizza tossed? Yeah, I don't know.

You know, it's all it's all, you know, folk tradition. So when did someone first think to put a thin piece of bread with some stuff on it or whatever? It's probably lost to time. And also it sucks. Like I read about it. There's like no tomato sauce on it. It was just like bread and she it wasn't real pizza.

I thought you were going to say, wouldn't it be great to go back to the first McDonald's? Have the first cheeseburger have those original French fries that were fried in beef towel, 100 really enjoy them. And then just wait there for Ray Kroc to show up and murder him. And save the earth from calamity. Right. But then you probably wouldn't have a podcast. So we would not.

We would. That's the king. That's and that's why I think I was just win-win for our for our standpoint. I would definitely look. I definitely would kill Ray Kroc. But maybe I would make McDonald's myself. Maybe I would make McDonald's myself. Oh, boy.

Yeah. What? Instead of Ronald Ronald on the show, I'd promote Grimace. I think he'd be the face of McDonald's. And that that is after all the problem with that global franchise. It was Ronald. Yeah, it should have been the star. Yeah, the problem with both the health and ecological footprint

of the mega corporation that is McDonald's is that Grimace didn't get enough face time. That said, you know, I I I realized as I was sitting down that I forgot I was going to get a Big Mac on my way here, because I have not had a Big Mac in decades. Wow. I mean, I really have been craving one. I thought, who better to enjoy one with the new guy, but I forgot all about it on the way here. So maybe if we can do this another time, I'll I'll save it till then. How have you not like I'm just I'm just curious, because that's such a different way

of eating than me, who has had multiple Big Macs this year. Like, how how has that happened in your life that you've just had such a span where you've been away from McDonald's for so long? Well, you know, we have children and my wife and I and I mentioned we have a son and a daughter who's a young teenager. And when we were when we were younger parents and our kids were younger, we thought we would take them to McDonald's. Now, we had already read Fast Food Nation.

We already knew that this was a pure evil, right? But we engage with a lot of pure evil in our culture. And sometimes it's delicious. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, right? I'm not going to be a pure. But it's like so we hadn't really been to McDonald's for a while. But we thought we're going to McDonald's when I was a kid.

That was the greatest thing in the world. Like everyone was everyone was so happy when your parents took you to McDonald's. Days there or whatever. Yeah. And I remember being picked up from the All Newton Music School, my clarinet lessons by my dad. And there was a clarinetist. I was just about to point it. Yeah, clarinetist.

Hell, yeah. Single Reedy. You got it. Up top. OK. I mean, I doubled and double read a little later in life. But what I went, I picked up a suit in high school. I don't. How dare you? How dare you? Look, I like the tray like single and double. I was doing them both.

It felt like both of you weren't really into the fight. It felt like both of you weren't really into the high five. And I thought all civilizational norms were shattered last year. I didn't know that single readers were going double. Anyway, wait, Mitch, you mean two two kids who played clarinet growing up had an awkward high five. Surprising that we don't already know each other. Right. Yeah.

Anyway, after my clarinet lesson, the woodwind of virtue. My dad would pick me up and there'd be a big Mac in the car waiting. And it was just the greatest thing. So I wanted my kids, you know, you want to give your kids, you know, the stuff that was special to you. Right. It's and it's inevitable that they'll reject it and go, oh, my God, that's disgusting. Whatever it is, there's a huge chance with McDonald's.

Anything you share with your kids like, hey, I watched this when I was a kid. Don't you want to watch like Star Blazers is boring? Goodbye. And and and both of our kids became immediately and virulently anti McDonald's. Wow. And to the point where, you know, my wife still and I confess, I do enjoy a sausage biscuit. I think that is something you can only get at McDonald's that is hard to replicate better anywhere else. Right.

And on a road trip, we might attempt to stop there to get one if it's in the morning. Well, now it's all day. You know, originally and our kids would just yell at us. No, we don't want to stay away, keep saddened away from us. And so we could never ever go there. And sometimes we just go, we're grown ups, we're going to go where we want. Our kids would be so mad at us. I'm like, try a hash brown.

These are good and they are. That's another thing that I think McDonald's does that other things can't do. Right. They're so good. And they you can taste how bad like you can feel the how bad it is going down your body. Like you can just feel it. I would say that a hash brown is probably one of the more virtuous things you can get at McDonald's fried potatoes, fried potato. Oh, yeah, it's not a chicken nugget, which is like it's a crime against

everything living. And I love it. But yes, I get it. Jesse Thorne, the cohost of my podcast, Judge John Hodgman, we went on the road and and he has to eat frequently because he gets migraine headaches. That's right. Yeah, which is like the. I mean, I I wouldn't. I would want to have migraine headaches, but I sure would like some medical conditions like you have to eat every two hours.

Sorry, it's just you have to. Yeah, you have. You need McDonald's. Yeah, you haven't. So we stopped and he said, I'm going to get a bunch of chicken nuggets. And I'm like, well, I haven't had one for a while. And it's like, you're going to eat some and I ate them. And I was like, it was it was Prustian. I mean, I flashed right back. Yeah. I think the same thing will happen if you do have a Big Mac soon.

They are they're they're great. It's still great. It's they still do it. They haven't changed. Would you look? I don't want to tread over old ground here. But no, please. That's all that's all we do constantly on the podcast. We whopper or Big Mac.

Big Mac's easy. It's an easy call for me. It's I have I have a spot in my I have a spot in my heart. Literally for whopper for whoppers. I use that's I had them all the time. Yeah, I feel that too. But I was always a McDonald's guy. But the whopper I like because the whopper is so good. Yeah, because I like mayonnaise and liquid smoke.

Yeah, the mayonnaise and the mayo is mixed together. But I I'm a big I will choose Big Mac, but I love I love the whopper. All right. Well, maybe later. Yeah. So we have two follow up episodes. One, Hodgman eats a Big Mac. That's right. We all go to the Delta Skyland. We're going to go to the Delta Skyland. We discussed this in advance.

We just done some air travel. You're about to do some air traveling of your own. Yeah, there's a there's a lot going. There are a lot of new innovations in the steam tables of the Delta Skyland. But I think listeners would like to know about. But I've never been in that. I've never been in any of those airport. Lounge never in your life.

So intrigued by them. And Nick does not travel. Not a frequent travel. Oh, I see. Oh, something. California, you got he picked the spot here and he stayed. Put him a lifer. You put down roots. Yeah. All right.

But no, I'm like, when I get when I do go to the airport, I'm just like, I don't even know how you get into the one of those. Like to me, that's just like, if someone's like, we're going to go clubbing. I'm like, I have no idea where to begin. What are you talking about? Have you been thrown out of like Delta SkyLounge is a multiple? No, I just velvet rope. No, how do you get in there?

They say, no, no, thank you, sir. This way, Bobcat goldfish. No need for your idea. Of course, we know it's you. You have to become a member. OK, you pay an annual fee, right? Or you can pay an an exorbitant fee for a one day visit. You just walk up there and pay like I think it's like 60 bucks. Wow, to just sit in there and enjoy their free free diet cokes.

Interesting. And there's snack tables and and charging stations. But you know, if you sit down at like a Chili's to at the airport, I mean, you can you can spend 60 bucks if you're messing around a little bit. It's not like one thing's a little out of hand. You know, you get a couple of top shelf margues. You get some spinach artichoke dip and some baby back ribs. Yeah, right.

Give me 60 bucks worth of baby back ribs. John, what was what was some of your favorite? What was some of your favorite Massachusetts? Oh, there was a there was a McDonald's in Coolidge Corner forever. Oh, yes. That was the McDonald's for me. That's where that was the man. The old man who always wore a leather skirt would hang out all the time. Oh, man. He was really that was he was it was special.

Yeah, that sounds cool. That sounds cool because the windows themselves look like arches. Yes, I don't see it really touches an old thing. But you were asking me a question. Oh, no, no, no, no, that that feeds right into what were some of your favorite just foods grown up in Massachusetts. I talk about it way too much on this podcast, but that original pizzeria Regina. Oh, yeah, boom.

On Thatcher is that's one of the best. That was that's a classic a beats. That's that's one of the oh, they got a pizza there as well. No, no, no, I was just making a reference. He was making a reference. No, but I was like, I was like, I don't know the region. So I'm like, oh, they got a pizza New Haven, but they also got it over in Quincy now. No, no, no, no.

No, this is this is this is this is this is New Haven. There is modern a pizza. Right. There is Frank Pepe's. There's Sally's. And Frank Pepe's is Frank Pepe's is like the something like usually rated number one. I like Frank Pepe's best. And like on the annual list of like the hundred best

pizza places, I feel like Frank Pepe's is always way up there. I never went there when I went to college. OK, I went to Yale and accredited for your institution in Southern Connecticut. Oh, yeah. And I never went to Frank Pepe's because that's in a different part of town. Right. OK. It's a long walk or you'd have to have a friend with a car or whatever. And after many, many, many years of hearing about the Pepe's

Sally's rivalry, I think Sally's was an offshoot of Pepe's. They're literally right next door to each other. Yeah. And the lines and everything else. I began to feel like this has to be overrated. Right. Well, then my family and I were driving up up through New England. I said, let's stop and we've got a sweet spot in the middle afternoon to have to wait very long. And that pizza, the Pepe's pizza was amazing.

Yeah. Really, really, really good. There's like a white clam pie or something that's like. Yeah, that's the New Haven. That's the that's the thing. And that and it's like always number. It's like the number one pizza in the in the country. Right. Because have you ever had clams on your pizza? No, I haven't. I'm intrigued by it because I like clams.

But I wouldn't think to put them on a pizza. And it's not like a clams because it's not like a marinara sauce. It's a white it's a white sauce. It's so it's like New England style, New England style. Yeah, it's really good. That's a good thing. I like that a lot. Yeah, I've always wanted to tell. I liked and I like the the fried clams.

I didn't know it's being of New England foods. Oh, yeah. I'm more of a crab roll guy than a lobster roll. Oh, wow. Interesting. Wow. You know, that took me a while because they sell the lobster roll pretty hard. Yeah. Yes. Why the why crab over lobster? I think that it has I think that it's as I enjoy the flavor more. OK.

Also, it's it's a, you know, when when you make a crab salad as opposed to a lobster salad, lobster salad, you want the the chunks of lobster to be fairly large. Yeah. Otherwise, you feel like you're getting ripped off. But this gives very little place for the mayonnaise to hide. Yeah. And I am being a white person from Massachusetts. I am very into mayonnaise. Of course. And that's the star of the I feel like it's the star of the show

on both of those. Yeah. And I feel like it's starting to feel a little sound a little gross. But I feel that the crab salad has better texture, is better balance of flavor and it's and it's it melds with the toasted New England style hot dog roll better than. Yeah. So better than that. I love it. And what else? What other New England foods are there? What do you fall on on on bisques, though?

You take up a crab bisque over a lobster bisque? I would probably do a lobster bisque. But my my favorite of that kind of thing is an oyster stew at the at the. Oh, what's the oyster? Very bad. Grand Central Oyster Restaurant. OK. Whatever it's called. I don't know what it's called. Is this a can do it, but is this a can do it like a chowder or?

No, it's a definitely like it's a cream based thing. OK. Well, I have to get this right. I'm sorry. This is embarrassing. I live in New York. That's all right. Grand Central Oyster Bar. That's what it's called. Grand Central Oyster Bar. Have you ever been there? I've never been there. Grand Central Terminal. It's all, you know, this is where they would bring in all of the refrigerated seafood. Oh, OK.

All right. And so this seafood restaurant opened basically in the basement of Grand Central Terminal. Oh, wow. These big vaulted ceilings and you can sit at this bar and they have these incredibly old cauldrons, basically, where they will make from scratch an oyster stew. And the oyster stew is like cream and sherry and paprika and fresh oysters. And if you are hung over of an afternoon,

this sitting in this in this cool, dark room, eating this is the greatest thing you can do. That's awesome. I want to be in a room where there's like a cauldron and it's in the basement anyway. It sounds perfect to me. All right. I don't even need the food. Third follow up episode. We got that one. Also, fourth, we have to go to Louis's lunch in New Haven.

All right. That's claims to be the birth of the hamburger. The birth of the I've brought that up on this podcast multiple times and I can never I always forget the name of it. But Louis's lunch, Louis's lunch and you've been there before. Not since I was in college. But when you do you remember it being was it was it good? It was good. Yeah. You know, what's interesting about it's more interesting than good. Right. I'm sure that it's delicious.

I'm sorry. Please don't kill me, New Haven people. Please don't kill me, Louie, in your lunch. You've been to you've been to you've been to some of the big you've been to some of the big spots. Well, you know, when you when you when you grow up on the East Coast and you stay on the East Coast, you can still engage with some of the oldest hamburger restaurants in the country. That's it's but Louis's lunch is weird because that they they grill the meat in a very strange, yes, vertical cast iron broiler.

Yeah, they cook it up. Nick, you can't fall asleep upright. But no, I can't. Right. They cook these. They cook the burgers upright. I've seen that. I've seen the device before. It's like and it's like just like a it's a period machine. It's like right from that era that they've just it's like they does. It's like they designed a machine before they knew how to cook meat. They were trying to figure out. Yes.

You know what I mean? It's like it's like it's like those hydraulic steam powered cars like we didn't know what cars were yet. We didn't know how to cook a hamburger yet. Yes. The first thought was, well, let's do it standing up. Yeah. What should we kind of what kind of bread should we put on a bun? That hasn't been invented yet. How about toast? Yeah. You know, and they still do it that way. So it's an artifact as much as it is a fairly good hamburger, I would say.

I mean, I I remember really liking it. It's just been a long time since I was there. My my former best friend, my grandma, she used to when did you guys have that falling out? It was way before she died. It was real early on. All right. She she beat you in Mortal Kombat with Kano did a fatality in front of all your friends or if you know she did a bay ballad.

Oh, she did a bay ballad and embarrassed me. And she said, that's you. You're a baby. And I started crying. Anyway, your former best. Oh, she she she served. She would make like oven like she would make a burger in the broiler. Oh, right. And she would serve it on like white toast. Yeah. And it was so, so good.

It was very new England. It was very, very new England. It was so, so good. Some of that old that that that whatever that that reminds me of like New England food as well, even along with the lobster rolls, which every Christmas we have like the Christmas dinner would be lobster and clam chowder at my house. Like it would be the it would be the that's great idea. Christmas Eve. Yeah.

Oh, very good. But besides that, we don't have too much else. That's like like a very New Englandy thing. Yeah, besides, besides that, besides the lobster that we have on Christmas Eve. Food wise, you get up to Maine much. I don't I not I used to but not not too. Oh, right. But when you were a kid, yeah, when I was a kid, yeah, we go up. We go to New Hampshire more and then we go down to the Cape.

Right. Right. And but in Maine, they have really good gas station pizza. Oh, yeah. And it's really surprising. But yeah, like there's really, yeah, really good. Wow. And, you know, it's it's a cold, dark place. Right. And and it's for people who are naturally misanthropic and therefore they don't care how they look. Right. And so they really know how to eat badly well.

And they have most gas stations will make pizza. And then it sits in a revolving, warming thing for, you know, an hour or so and somehow it all melds together into this fantastic thing. And then they also have steam tables full of red hots, which are hot dogs with bright red casing, which are really weird. And they taste like regular hot dogs, but you just know you're getting extra chemicals. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So. So visit there if you're not afraid of everything

that Stephen King has written about the place, because that's this. Speaking of spooky states, it's right. Spooky is one of the spookiest states. You might get caught up in the mist if you go up there. The mist. You might get cut up with it. You might run into it while you're there. That's right. That was in that was in Derry, Maine. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

You might you might go to pet. You see a nice dog. You start petting it. It's Kujo. Kujo is one of the greatest novels ever written, and I will I will brook no descent at this time. Wow. You like you like that dark ending, huh? I can't say. I know. It's that that. Yeah, it took me. That took me by surprise. That ending is dark.

Thank you. Especially if you if you got if you got kids and you do that ending, it's it is not see that coming. And it is it's a very it's it is a dark dark ending. It's a have you read Kujo Nick? I have not. I'm going to now that you and I should really do a podcast just about Kujo. I'm not really sure what this guy's bringing to the table. Hey, hold on now.

Just because I ever read Kujo is my greatest moment that's ever happened on the podcast. Just talk about just talk about I'm sure talk about Kujo. People, you know, you Stephen King will listen, I'm sure. Yeah, that's right. I met Joe Hill the other day. Oh, really? Son, who looks just like Stephen King. Oh, yeah. Super nice guy.

He's he's he's he's I have not read his works. Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have admitted that. Sorry, Joe Hill. I'm sure you listen. He's he's I need to read. I need to read his for sure does not listen. So you're you're good to go. But he's also he's a horror writer, correct? Yes, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very, very well well liked or yeah, appreciated. Successful and appreciated. It's weird. Like a lot of his books, he wrote like little Kujo. And Misery, Jr. Misery, Jr. Salem's lot, babies. We'll take a break. We'll be back with the war, Doughboys. Welcome back to Doughboys.

We're with John Hodgman talking Arby's. John, like the Big Mac, as you were saying earlier, Arby's is a food you haven't had in a long time. You're telling us early. And it's similar food in that if I remember getting Arby's from the Arby's on Huntington Avenue. Oh, wow. After I after I

I think it may have even been after I graduated from the clarinet and moved on to the viola. Oh, I need to have two instruments that you couldn't play at a party to impress anybody. Wait a minute, you're getting on me for being a reed trader. Yeah. Meanwhile, you're switching from a single read over to the string section. It's a whole different family of instruments.

I don't know about all this. Oh, my God, I would study that at the New England Conservatory of Music and I would walk down Huntington Avenue and there was an Arby's and it was one of the old Arby's that was still shaped like a giant. Hell, yeah. Hat or whatever it was, like a big old thing. And I remember going there several times as a youngster and eating and going, this is a delicious sandwich.

Right. And I and I can still I still have a sense memory of that flavor. And and in fact, I and eating the ham but the roast beef sandwich in that spot, right, a very distinct and pleasurable sense memory that was not replicated here in any way. Oh, man. Yeah. Not even with the traditional roast beef. The traditional roast beef did not.

I remember something much more flavorful and juicier, almost that almost like an au jus kind of deal. Right. You know what I mean? They do have a they do have a sandwich that you can dip there. They do have like a like more of a dip. But they I'm sure that that's that what I mean, when I was going to Arby's, they they had one sandwich was a very simple menu. Yeah, it was just that they weren't adding an au jus. Right.

Yeah, I wonder what I mean. I bet like with anything they've kind of industrialized the production and made it so that it's like it's it's maybe a little bit less fresh. Maybe they used to carve it at the restaurant and maybe they don't do that anymore. It arrives, you know, in packaging. But I guess there's no way we would ever know. No way any of us could have looked that up.

There's only look. There's only so much research I'm going to do for this for the show. I'm getting on myself because I'm thinking to myself back when I thought I was doing a wiener schnitzel, I read a lot about wiener schnitzel and then that was so cruelly taken away from me. That we we we it's a very funny that you say that we were we were discussing. So I just ate another slice of this roast beef and it tastes like plastic. So you were saying you did say early on, you said it tastes plastic.

And then I think it got better. But we were like we were betting on this. We were we were we were booking someone and we were trying to get a restaurant that we could get early in the morning. And I told I told Mitch, I was like, I was like, all right, well, I just told Hodgman, I was like, these I just offered him up these restaurants. And our other guest wanted to do wiener schnitzel. And I was like, I was like, I was like, ah, fuck, I should have given him heads up.

But honestly, like, but what are the chance that he's going to want? Wiener schnitzel, that's what we're talking about. Wiener schnitzel, I kind of threw it on Nick to I was like, there's no because we had to get the food at eleven a.m. Right. And it was like kind of a crazy. Why are we be coy about this other guest? It was. It was. You can name the monster.

Pleasure for me. I hope you enjoyed your hot dog, Rob Hubel. How much did you have to say on the classic seventies logo designed by legendary graphic designer, Saul Bass? They gave me a lot, I bet they gave me shit for bringing that up. I brought up the Saul Bass logo. I got roasted on the podcast. Roasted me. Oh, Nick, you know what made fun of me, called me a poindexter.

You and you and I ought to do our own podcast. There we go. I'm not really sure what this guy's brain of the table. Who don't know all of you. Would it be about Bass, the Saul Bass character? It would be about it would be called Bass and Bass and Bass logos and reads. That's not a very good podcast title. But you know, this blue sky thing, no wrong ideas right now.

What kind of what what number read were you using? I don't you know what respect I don't remember. Wow. I was a I kind of sold into three, three and a half. And then I higher number was harder. Yeah, higher number was harder. The thing I remember reading when I read Charlie Parker's a book about Charlie Parker, the famous jazz saxophonist. He played a number five read word.

The hardest read you can possibly get. Yeah, is that thick? Is that a thick read? It's like putting a piece of plywood in in your mouth. Oh, shit. Yeah. And he just means you wailed on that sucker. You really sucked by comparison. Well, there was never any contest because he was playing the clarinet. Right. That's cool.

Hey, have you ever been Nick? Well, you don't you don't do anymore. Have you ever been to the baked potato up in a up in up in Burbank? You're in a in a in Studio City here. I've never actually made it over there. It's a it's a little jazz club and people get up and like all sorts of musicians will go there. Kevin, Kevin U banks.

Is it Kevin U banks, you banks, you banks, you banks. We should have we should have someone here for us when we tell bad jokes. Yeah, it would be a musical podcast, basically. Right. He he used to he would be up there all the time. He would go in there and drop in and there's like a bunch of talented musicians. So if you ever want to pick it up again, you could go up there and play. Yeah, you could go up and and do some Dixieland clarinet like Woody Allen.

Everybody's hero. You think they just think that may be why I took up clarinet. I think really. Wow. Yeah, because I was a pretentious kid. I probably was like, I hear Woody Allen not only makes sophisticated movies for adults, but also blows a little clarinet at the hotel. What you did, you know, Dixieland band every Tuesday or Wildman Blues or whatever. There's that talk about it.

Yeah. Remember that boy. Remember when I wanted to know more about his life? Not anymore. No one. No one. Fine. You just keep it to yourself. I would like prefer to plausible deniable. Oh, well, we got a bunch of Arby's. Yes, I was going to quickly say that for me, Arby's was like a Route 1 restaurant, which there's like so many like in my mind, there's like so many places

that are on Route 1 that are nowhere near me. Right. But then also on Route 1, you got Kelly's roast beef. That's what I was just going to say. Yeah, yeah, which is classic New England roast beef joint. Classic New England roast beef joint. Have you you've eaten there, of course, not in years and years and years. But I remember that being like, yes. And I think it's I think it holds. It's pretty great.

Yeah, I'm a fan. So why would you ever go to Arby's if there were a Kelly's roast beef? Yeah, I didn't. I didn't. Yeah, I never really did until until Ithaca. Basically, I never really had Arby's. There you go. And I and I and I liked it. Yeah, you were a late adopter. I was a late adopter and I liked it.

I feel like they've really changed what they're trying to do where it's their their commercial now, their whole campaign is we got the meat. We got the meat. They're very self aware. It's a very deep voice guy. Right. That new way of doing marketing where they're just kind of like we're going to we know that people think that Arby's is kind of like ridiculous. So we're just kind of kind of embrace that. Even if they're social media, they do the same sort of thing.

Yeah, but they're also, I think, trying to play that we got the meats thing. Trying to play on a trend of people getting rid of carbs, right? Going paleo, going into sort of artisanal butchery. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like you're not even thinking about the bread. You were just thinking you're getting a meat stack sandwich. Yeah, and also kind of trying to be like, oh, we we have wholesome ingredients. This isn't like we actually are, you know, we actually are getting stuff like

you were saying like like like deli car of like actual, you know, not just like prepackaged, like frozen patties that were reheating. So so you some pick it up for us. The Rachel Ray bag. Oh, we got the chicken. You just give a shout out to the Rachel Ray bag. Yeah. You're proud of your bag. We know you love it.

I know it's a very good bag. It kept it nice and warm. It was sitting there for about 15 minutes. Is that it there? That's it. The giant orange monster is that bag. What do you get? Quick, quick question.

What how much money you get from Rachel Ray to plug this bag? I don't get any kickback. The dough boys can't be bought. And this is not branded content. I just like that bag. You song. Hey, you song. You asked to borrow the Rachel Ray bag so you could go to Arby's. Correct. Jesus.

He answered yes. So you song you song saw the bag and asked if he could use it because he knew how effective it would be at this task. I think he walked out the door and then he heard and he turned around and said, Nick, I'll take the Rachel Ray bag if you want me to. And it even it got here. So I got something that I'm going to send to you as a gift

of the gift to the podcast. Whoa, OK, that later. Oh, boy, we get into this brisket sandwich. Can I have one too? Well, it's for the podcast. Oh, OK. Can I have it? Can I keep it? Yes, of course.

I want you as soon as as soon as he opens it, I want you to casually walk by, pick it up and go, this is mine now, nerd. And then I want you to drop it as soon as you right as you leave the room. As soon as you walk out onto the street, just drop it in the gutter. It's pretty much our dynamic now anyway. Yeah, it's close to that. I picked up on it.

So we so let's start with that brisket sandwich. You guys both got that. I took a little bite of yours. What did you think of that thing? No good. No good. No, I can't. You know, and you song said that you write you song. You said that they were very excited for us to try it. But just look at that cheese.

That's what I noticed about it. There's like, what is that? Is that Havarti? What? Nick, what is this thick cheese that's on top? I'm looking it up. I didn't write this one down because I didn't order it. What you got here? I'm going to tell you what I see.

Your dissection. Yeah. You got a bottom bun. You got something that looks like mayonnaise. Mayo or horsey sauce, one of the two. It's definitely not horsey sauce. It is mayo and barbecue sauce together. I will say this, no, because the barbecue sauce is on top. Oh, OK, got it.

So it's from the bottom up, bun, mayonnaise, brisket, arguably, then some kind of cheese. Gouda. Gouda. Oh, Gouda. That is rose. Onion rings. So it's not Gouda. Then barbecue sauce. No, I like Gouda, but.

No, but it's not Gouda. John's leaving. You and I should do a pie. I agree. I guess about how dirty Nick Weigar is. Here's the thing. They're doing a brisket sandwich because they are leaning in on, we got the meats.

Yeah, there's a new carnivorism. In the United States. And in your big cities, young, young dudes with beards have figured out that if you can just do the science well enough to make barbecue brisket, and it's not that hard. You just have to get the right temperature and preparation, so forth. Then you can sell that stuff for a million dollars a slice.

And people will pay it because it's amazing. It is really hard to mess up. Yeah, I equally think it's really hard to make brisket on a mass level. Yeah, but what they're leaning in with on this sandwich is that kind of like new barbecue fascination that people have, especially with Texas style barbecue, brisket barbecue from Central Texas, Austin style.

But here's the thing. You can have a brisket sandwich for sure, but you would never put cheese on it. That's disgusting. Right. You don't need to put these onion rings on it. It's just like we're going to layer it on. Right. The brisket itself tastes like liquid smoke to me and I'm sure is not smoked.

And I don't and I'm surprisingly dry, but I'm still going to put something in my mouth right now. You're talking about Burger King. With Burger King, they at least do the show of putting it through the grill. And so I give it a pass. I think that it does taste more grilled than other. It does.

And I don't know that they use liquid smoke in Burger King, necessarily. Like I think that that might be just the taste of that grill. It might be genuine. And for me, and I agree with you, it does taste a little like, oh, this is just an artificial flavor that I'm tasting. It doesn't like the burger. There's no way they're smoking.

I know they're not smoking a lot of briskets. A hundred percent. There's no there is no smoke involved in that. And I love brisket and there's no reason that I would ever eat this. Yeah, it was it was it was disappointing. Right. You you you did. Oh, no, you didn't do with that.

I'm jumping the gun here. No, Nick, you you did not have it, but you try to bite. I try to bite. Yeah, I mean, I think I agree with the consensus. I did like the crispness of those onion rings, but I think John has a point of just like, you know, if you go to a good barbecue restaurant, these sandwiches are as simple as possible,

sometimes just white bread and meat and sauce. They're just like so, so simple. And they let the meat shine in here. They've got a bunch of stuff that I think is just trying to cover the cost. Yeah, good point. Our cover cover for the the the low cost version of it. All right. So we got these these chicken pepperoni parm.

Yeah, now pepperoni on top of buttermilk chicken with fresh mozzarella and smothered by roasted garlic parmesan marinara. I did get one of these for myself. I really like this. I ate almost all of it. I mean, I thought I thought this really simulates what chicken parmesan set like tastes like in a fast food version. And I thought it was I thought it was very crispy.

And I thought the sauce was was was good. I like the fresh mozzarella. I liked how gooey it was. The only thing element I thought that you could maybe discard is the pepperoni. I don't know how much it added to it. Yeah. And also just like just like raw pepperoni or not raw, but cold pepperonis kind of divorced from pizza

are not necessarily my favorite. I don't know. What do you guys think of this? I thought that the pepperoni was hot. I thought it felt like it was cooked or whatever. But but I know what you're saying. I feel like my more room temperature. Maybe it just been sitting. It was even hard to taste it.

Maybe that's more of a problem with your insulated bag than it is. Wow. With the preparation. Boy, there was steam shooting out of the bag. I think it did a bad. I think the bag did a bad job this time. All right. That's not. I don't know. It could be that.

I know how to impugn the bag. I'm just I'm just in town for a couple of nights primarily to do this podcast. I'll have you know. Oh, God bless you. Yeah, that's that's almost true. And I mean, that can't be. That's insane.

You must you add other things going on. No, I was I was I was I was passing through town. Right. And it was a great opportunity to see you guys. And you know what? Yeah, I'm going to say almost primarily to do this. It's not untrue. But I was staying at a friend's house

the night before last. Right. I had just gotten in. I was still steamed over losing Wienerschnitzel to Hubel. It was still unclear what was going to happen on. We were watching television on comes this TV commercial for this sandwich, this chicken pepperoni parm sandwich. Right. And I remember thinking to myself, that looks good.

Yeah. And then you chimed in the next day. How about Arby's fate has spoken? Here comes the sandwich. You all caps are applied to me. Arby's like, yes, Arby's. Yes, genuinely give it to me, because I had just seen this ad for this thing. The only other thing that I wanted I also said another ad.

I don't watch a lot of like broadcast television. So I don't see ads all the time. The only other ad that I saw that I wanted to see wanted to try for a perverse reason is that I think that it's Taco Bell is now making a taco where the shell is a fried egg. That's right. I haven't had any. Have you had that match? I haven't had it yet. It looks good. It does look good.

It looks terrible. Come on. I don't know. I'm on board. I like the idea of it because I don't like to eat a lot of bread. But they not like so you're things like, oh, they're doing a paleo version of their taco, but no, no, no, no, no, they're shoving potatoes in there. They put potatoes. It's a it's a house divided against itself. It cannot stand. It doesn't make any. It doesn't. I was so shocked that they put potatoes in it.

I feel like they must need them. It must be terrible without it. But the weird thing with that to me is that the yolk is going to break. I feel like, you know, there's going to be no liquid. There's no no, no, no, there's no way. There's no way they cook. They cook the thing five days ago. Yeah. Into into a hard, hard solid.

So but so I'm still interested in trying that out of perversion. But yeah, this is I looked at that thing at sandwich on the TV. And I said, well, it kind of looks pretty good. And then you you made my day by saying Arby's. I showed up here. I worked my way through this disgusting roast beef sandwich and this dumb brisket thing, the sandwich that was put in front of me, the chicken pepperoni parm or is a

pepperoni parm chicken, chicken pepperoni parm, chicken pepperoni parm. Good, good work, Arby's, you got into my head. It looked like it looked like what I saw on the commercial, which is unusual enough. It looked appetizing. I tasted it. I thought it tasted good. Hell, yeah. It lived up to the expectations. Absolutely. It is fried chicken with mozzarella and marinara sauce on it. That's what that that's what that is. Right. Yeah.

I can see the argument that the pepperoni doesn't add or detract. It's maybe not necessary. Yeah. But it was like it was like a reasonable chicken pepperoni. I mean, a reasonable chicken parm sub. And I feel like that is grinder. I feel like that's so rare for a thing to actually be good that when you see it and you're like, that looks good. It delivers in the specific way that I expected it to.

Yes. I can think of specific moments. I remember like the cheesy Gordy to Crunch delivered. I remember Doritos, Logos, Tacos. Yeah, that's the big one. Two Taco Bell things that delivered. I remember Harris Widdell's rest in peace. He saw the deep dish, little Caesar's pizza. And he's like, that looks good as hell.

And he got it. And I was like, this is good as it was so it's very unusual. But that's like, like, like five times I feel like in my entire life. I'm like, most of the time it's like, for me, the stuffed crust pizza was such a letdown. I was I was like, oh, that looks so good. And when I got it, I was like, oh, this is kind of like. Kind of sucks. Yeah. No. And but here's the thing, though.

This is a good sandwich, this chicken pepperoni parm. Let the record show that I'm now touching it with my fingers to indicate this is the sandwich that I'm talking. Right. I love how much you dissected your food. You really you really gave your food every level you gave a look at. I want to see what's going on in these things. Yeah, you know what I mean? And and but I had several non-scientific bites of this chicken parm sandwich.

It was non-research bites. It was actual enjoyment bites. Right. But you know what I'm going to say is it's not an Arby's sandwich. Yeah, that's that's that's a fair point. I mean, because because what I was going to say and and and and this is this is maybe another way of saying that. But I was going to say is that my normally I'll just get the beef and cheddars when I go to Arby's like a beef and cheddars and some sort of side.

Usually just the curly fries with some cheese, dip and sauce. But this was one where I'm like, you know what, I would actually go to Arby's and get this over a beef and cheddar just to like mix it up. But you're right. It doesn't really fit into the what we've established. The established Arby's lore, if you will, what we know of the Arby's franchise doesn't really account for sandwiches. Arby's is is by definition a roast beef sandwich shop.

That was it's defining. It's defining characteristic. It does not get its defining characteristic. Right. This roast beef sandwich is not good. Sure. Yeah. The thing by accident, they made a sandwich that was good and you can talk about why it would or would not fit into their aesthetic. But I can get to I can. There's no debate about it.

You would never put horsey sauce on this chicken parm sandwich that's a million years. That's absolutely true. Horsey sauce is the Arby's brand as far as I'm concerned. And that stands up to my memory from childhood. I like horseradish. I like mayonnaise. I like guar gum and all kind of other stabilizers. Of course, that's where I had horsey sauce.

I'll down a couple of packets of that just like that. Well, so you you I don't think there's a bigger contrast between how unappetizing something sounds and then how good it is. What a horsey sauce sounds, horsey, horsey, horsey sounds sounds like a definition on urban dictionary. You do not want to. Well, you did a little Frankensteining and you you. Oh, yeah, let me just. But before I say that, just one more comment.

There was one other sandwich on here. Yes. And this was the Turkey Gobbler. Yes, there's a deep fried turkey. Which, by the way, Massachusetts famous for the Gobbler sandwich sandwich with the cranberry spread on it. Right. Right. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Turkey. Yeah, Turkey and may we usually the way I like it.

Turkey stuffing, Mayo and cranberry sauce. Yeah, this didn't this didn't have any stuffing on it. This the substance in bacon and Swiss cheese. So it wasn't it was pretty far from authentic. Yeah, like that, like it's a turkey sandwich. Like it was. Yeah. Add bacon and Swiss cheese and also 500 onion rings. Like just do the thing right.

Yes. Add more stuff to it. It's also to because they call it the they call it deep fried Turkey. And, you know, like it like as a selling point, there's nothing about that the Turkey that's deep fried. It's just like it's just deli Turkey. I have an individual piece of it. I mean, it's like a little bit of a thicker cut, but just the idea of. Here's your name. Yeah.

I don't really I'm sorry. It's disgusting to eat on my guys. Oh, we do it all the time. I want every member of the audience to be as repulsed as I. I don't like cranberry sauce. Wow. On a plate or in my sandwich. Wow. It's fine that you do. That's cool. No, it's OK.

So but I am automatically biased. This cranberry sauce in particular just tastes like scented shampoo. It's disgusting. It's not good. And also, I think like what you were saying. Get rid of the I don't need bacon on there. What what is what's what is Thanksgiving? What is a Thanksgiving sandwich? Yeah, why do you need bacon in there?

It just doesn't in the latest lettuce and tomato or feel weird. And the bread was off like they could have made a better version of that. And that is that they made a classic New England Turkey sandwich. Yes, holy moly. That would say everyone would buy it. It could have been that all humans would buy all humans would buy. And it could be that. Honestly, I think the Turkey wouldn't even have to be that much better.

They were overthinking it in the kitchen. They didn't test kitchen. They kept they kept adding element. They were added crowd pleasers to try and like it felt like they were because it's a turkey sandwich. They were trying to do like kind of like whole grainy bread or something. Right. Right. Because it's maybe the considered to be the healthy option. Yes, it's Turkey and bacon and Swiss cheese.

Yeah. And it's deep fried turkey. And that to me is that makes it plain that they are trying to capitalize on a certain kind of Guy Fieri style over the top food trendiness. Right. That is about 10 years out of date. Yeah. There was a period of time where everything on the food network was people deep frying turkeys, whole turkeys. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And to me, it's like obviously that there is no truth in advertising

that it's not deep fried turkey. And even if it did, that would be a trend that is way out of time. I agree with that. Yeah. But it's like a bacon dessert. It's a little behind the curtain. Yeah, exactly. Like so what you see here is you get the roast beef sandwich. You got the brisket sandwich. You got the chicken, chicky, chicky, parm, parm.

You got the you got that's that's a parks and rec joke. I don't want anyone to those one of the things that my favorite tricks of all time. And then you have this turkey gobbler that tastes like this is a corporation in crisis. No one knows what they're doing over there. Wow. They're going in so many different directions. Yeah. They can't get their basics right. They're adding and they're adding and they're adding. And even when they add, they add on to that.

It's like, let's do five new sandwiches and we'll see how many different toppings we can get on to those sandwiches. Yeah. And and they're taking advantage and they're and they're trying to ally themselves with food trends to which they have absolutely no right whatsoever. Speaking of which, do you want to do you want to explain what you did with your roast beef sandwich? Right. So let me just say, sitting on the table here at Doughboy Central. Yeah. Was a jar of bagel spice.

That's right. This is all of the spices that would be on and everything bagel. I gather it was a gift from one of the listeners. Yes, it was a friend and and also Nick, Nick and I didn't believe it existed. Right. And so we thought we'd come up with something. We said that the spice should exist and someone was like, they already they've had that at Trader Joe's for years. Multiple people yell at us, which is the case a lot of times. So this is sort of like the the the happy parody song of spices.

Yeah. Here's an idea. Here's an idea. This is like happy of seasonings. Yeah. Here's an idea. We should we should do a version of beat it, but instead of beat it, we'll call it eat it. That would be perfect for our podcast. Let's write two lines of it and then promise to do it in the future. Cap, we'll see what we're going to see. We're going to see the results. I think I think we might own Cappy at the end of this. The Cappy happy parody. I think it's possible.

Well, anyway, I took this thing and, you know, it was just the greatest inventions are just bursts of inspiration. Do you know what I mean? That's that is a great what you're holding in your hand right there is a great invention. And this is and I've had and I just I decided like I'm not going to. I'm going to something guided me. Maybe it was the spirit of Nikola Tesla. I don't know. I don't believe in ghosts.

But maybe he still exists in alternating current. Yes, I somehow. Yeah. All right. And and I know and, you know, I love horsey sauce. Oh, yep. That's me. I think that's me, actually. I think I was touching. You know, you know that I love horsey sauce. That's right. And this roast beef, this this thing, this is

Prustin Madeleine of my childhood that was supposed to taste good, but tasted bad. Yeah, I have to rescue it somehow. So I had a whole bunch of horsey sauce on it. And then I sprinkle you listen to this. I sprinkle is like a recreation. Is very dramatic. And I get I sprinkle this this combination of sesame seeds, dehydrated onion, dehydrated garlic, poppy, sea salt, black sesame seeds,

black caraway seeds. And I put it back together again and I made. A roast beef, everything bagel horseradish. Eat them up. Yeah. Sandwich. And I'm having one more bite of it to see if it still holds up now that it's thirty five degrees. We keep the house very cold.

I will say the bites I had. Yeah. The bites I had, I thought was it was nice. It brought it back to life a little bit. And it gets it affects the texture a little bit, because it's just so, so crunchy. It makes me feel like, oh, like that bun that like it pointed out to me how how the Arby's bun should have a more sesame seed on it. Like a like a texture. Yeah. The texture a hundred percent helps.

It tasted much better. Those that that shake there is it's amazing. It helps. It's a great shake. Maybe maybe just a poppy seed bun would be a way to go. They could maybe help that. Well, also, maybe they should season the stinking meat. Right. Like at least put some salt and pepper on it. That reminds them, you know, garlic or whatever.

I think that's maybe a general critique, though, of kind of chain restaurants, is I feel like a lot of their food is underseasoned. And I think that's because a lot of people have very have palates where they just like very like basic, neutral food. I found that in a lot of like, especially a lot of sit down chains, like if I find like the the savory dishes often like very, very underseasoned. I heard a radio report. Yeah. That all of the sit down chains are really suffering right now, economically.

Yes. Yes. And it's because they've all become the same restaurant. Right. I can see that. They're very they are very similar. And that and that people are like, I don't understand why everyone has the exact same thing on the menu. And if people are spending money, they don't want to go to like chilies. They want to go to some gastropub or a place that's

their baby, that's going on as well. There's partly that. I think there's also to it. It's like it's like the economy at large, where I feel like, you know, fast food chains, like little Caesars are doing great because they have like we have a five dollar hot and ready pizza. And that's just like, OK, I can feed my family for five dollars. And then, like, you know, like, like fine dining is doing overall great,

because if people have a lot of money, they can go and spend it on a three hundred dollar tasting menu. But like everything in the middle is kind of getting squeezed out fast, casual segment, fast, casual. Yeah, that was all the rage in the early 2000s. It's now down the toilet faster than this disgusting sandwich. Let's talk sides. I actually I like Arby's sides.

I think Arby's has really good sides. I think they have they have really good jalapeno bites. The Bronco Berry sauce they give with them is a little baffling. But I didn't you bring any of those in the Rachel Ray bag. I've had the bites. I was like, I don't know. I was just gone out and had the bites. I'm sorry, I didn't know how. How I went with last time was you had Arby's.

I should have gotten some bites. But anyway, I think those are good bites. But the ones I did get that I am a big fan of their mozzarella sticks. I think they have good mozzarella mozzarella sticks. I think they go toe to toe with anyone you get it to sit down, chain. The mozzarella dip and sauce a little bit warm. The last time we did this, I said that that Arby's does a very good job with their shitty packaged marinara.

And I guess I think that translated into their chicken parm sandwich, too, because maybe that's it. So many places do do such a bad job. It tastes like dirt, right? Like so much marinara sauce. The secret is in the sauce. The secret is in the sauce at Arby's for sure. Could it be that Arby's is as good at marinara as they are at horsey sauce?

It's as far as fast food marinara goes. I think I think it's I think it's up there. Where is the marinara sauce? Did you drink it all double read? No. There's still some on the table somewhere. I don't see any of it anywhere. It's weird. It wasn't missing somehow.

Mitch, do you have any straight marinara over there? Somehow it got all sucked up by bassoon face. Oh, boy. This is my best day. And it's my best day, Nick. Getting roasted over here. Drinking straight marinara is more Mitch's speed. I don't know. I don't know where that thing.

Don't turn this on me. I don't know where that thing ended up. I tell you, I did. I might have thrown mine out. Do you have another one? There's one extra one here. It's been opened. That's OK. We're all friends here.

Let's see. John's taking a taste of this marinara sauce. I don't think I can pour it into my mouth. Looks like it's gotten coagulated. It's really quite viscous. Is there any? It has a lot of body, but I'm going to use this. Yeah, he's got a fork.

Is there another? Oh, there is a mar... Oh, yeah, there is. There's still one straight stick left. Oh, sure. I'm sure that will be delicious. That's what he's saying. I was like, I really do like their mozzarella sticks. Could the audience hear my eyes rolling? No offense, Nick.

It's fried cheese. The simplest thing in the world to do. You should have gotten a little shaker so you could make some noise from that. You know what? Good on you, Arby's. This marinara has something. Yeah, it's pretty good. You know what? I'm going to try a little of this mozzarella.

Oh, wow. There you go. Let's get the whole picture. But just on its own, the marinara, it does not taste like chemicals. Yeah, it has good seasoning. It's good. It's good for packaged marinara sauce. I think I think it's pretty impressive.

It's good for marinara sauce, period. Wow. That is saying something. I don't like this mozzarella stick at all. It's probably very cold at this point. You had a hot boy earlier. How was that hot one? Mediocre. The hot one was mediocre.

I would rather eat this marinara sauce than dip something in it. I think if a mozzarella stick meets the threshold of mediocre, that's kind of mozzarella sticks' sealing. I'll say this, Nick. You know why I don't like double-read people? Why? They don't they don't aim very high. Wow.

The standards are low. Yeah. Which is weird because they have to be craftsmen and women. They have to make those double-reads themselves. Yeah, you got to carve those. I did, and it sucks. I was like, that honestly probably made me quit music. I was like, I don't want to do this little fucking

Boy Scout totenshit shit where I'm like, I'm doing some witlin. I just want to wail on my horn. If I wanted to tie lures all day long, I'd be a flyfisher. Right, right. This is some deep, this is some like, I appreciate the laughs you're giving us given that this is some really deep cut orchestral jokes. It is a pain in the ass because you have to like, you can buy store-bought double-reads,

but they're not the same quality as one that you make, but making it is such a laborious process. And I remember going to, I spent like a day with my bassoon teacher and another bassoon student and we were like in her apartment and then she was teaching us how to, she was teaching us how to make reeds and it just like, it took so long and it was, it's so not satisfying at the end

because you get like, oh, I can like, I have a thing I can use as a mouthpiece for my wind instrument. It's not, it's an exciting result. How could even I get bored of this? Man, do you know what the difference between a violin and a viola is? What's that? A viola burns longer. Oh.

So that one got a little chuckle in the corner. Yeah, you sung a Dustin like that one. Was that one over my head? That's a classic. I got all the other one, I got the lower one. I got, I got, but I don't know. Oh, wait, what is the, what is the joke of that? The joke of what?

I'm not even sure what the joke of it is. There are a lot of anti-viola jokes. Oh, people just, people just want to throw it in a fire. There's more wood in a viola, I believe. It's slightly larger. Yeah. I always want to play violin when I was younger. Hey, but you want to retain your audience, right?

So let's not talk about this anymore. Oh, no, they're gone. They've been gone forever. I think how many listeners do we have now? Me and you. And me now. And you now. What did you ask me to say?

I mean, you sung us here while we were chords. Yeah, I think I asked this one. It's captive audience. Yeah. You should have a captive audience listening party. It's like a version of an escape room. You have to go in this room and you have 25 minutes to find the way out when we play this podcast the entire time.

What else do you want to say about the sides? Oh, yeah. So we got the loaded, the loaded curly fries, which are, I love the Arby's curly fries. Again, I like their sides. They're curly fries. I like the curly fries, but go on. I don't.

I think these loaded ones like the deep fried turkey gobbler. Right. Loaded up with too much stuff. Don't really. John almost gagged when you had those. Yes. Yes. So they drizzle some ranch on there, which is just like, give me the ranch dip inside.

Don't, don't, don't drizzle it on there. And then the, the shredded cheese, I feel like is inferior to their cheese sauce. The bacon. This is a cheese sauce that I'm looking at here. This was a, there was not shredded cheese in there. That is a cheese sauce. That is such a cheese sauce. To me, it looked more like a melted cheese as opposed to the cheese dip and sauce that

they had. I did. Oh boy. It all just fell out of there. It fell out like a baseball. It was. I thought for sure it was going to so congeal to just stay in the bowl. Also somehow now Mitch, your table is cleaner.

I don't know how that went down. It just absorbed all the dirt into it. They're definitely curly fries. Right. They were too much. That cheese was too much. Yeah. It was too many elements.

Yeah. They put on cheese. They put on bacon. They put on ranch. Yeah. They put on turkey. They put on bacon. The menu description by the way says shredded cheddar cheese.

Bacon. Well, I don't know which branch of Arby's. I hope you saved your receipt to save which branch of Arby's you went to. Right. You better truck on over there and get your refund. Nick, it was so cheese. It felt like cheese sauce. I thought it was, I was so sure it was cheese sauce.

Me too. There's no way you can even see the remnants of it here. Right. Look, I mean, you know, I'm sorry to do a visual aid here on a podcast, but I think someone put something over on you. Yeah. The remnants of that look pretty gross. I will say that like, because I usually just get the curly fries and I dip them in either

horsey sauce or the cheese dip and sauce. I just get a side of that. And I would much prefer that versus this loaded version, which is just too much crap. And then we also got the, Mitch, we got the cookie butter shake, which we had a taste of. That's right. Hodgeman, that was pretty melted by the time you got here because it didn't hold up well. And I have no interest in desserts. Yeah.

You don't want that one. And also let me tell you that. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I do not have a sweet tooth. I have an alcohol molar. Well, you, you, if you don't have a sweet tooth, this was like insanely butterscotch-y. Oh, even the worst. That's the worst.

It was so gross. It was so, it was so overwhelming when it, when it came out, when it was cold and it was, and it actually would taste its best. I don't like cookie butter to begin with. And then this one also just has like a very strong, like, like butterscotch slash caramelly element that's like just so overpowering. It was too much. Yeah.

Were there any other great sides that you love at Arby's that you refuse to buy for me? Oh boy. Look, the, my, my go-tos are the curly fries, the mozzarella sticks and the jalapeno bites. So there weren't any others. I mean, I've had the potato cakes before. I'm looking at the menu right now. The potato cakes I've had before, I don't think they're particularly remarkable. The jalapeno, the jalapeno bites are good.

Yeah. Yeah. Keep bringing it up. I should have gotten some jalapeno bites. They come with a bronco berry dip in sauce. It's what you don't have a sweet tooth though. You wouldn't have like that. I certainly don't want a bronco berry.

Bronco berry like a cousin of horsey sauce. Another thing that just sounds a little suspect, but it's actually all right. And they, they have on your rings and your rings are fine. But yeah, I think, I think the curly fries and the sticks are the winners. I think we had the best ones. But yeah, but let's get to our final thoughts on Arby's. So, John, we'll each go around, we'll give sort of our closing argument, if you will, and then give it a rating on the order of zero to five forks.

You are a guest. We will begin with you. I have a message for Arby's. You're trying too hard, Arby's. Get back to basics. Make that roast beef sandwich that I loved when I was a kid, and I'll be with you forever. That is your, that is your core brand, roast beef sandwiches. No one else is doing it.

And you should spin off your marinara sauce based things into a separate company. I don't know what that would be. Arby's a beat. Sorry. I like your marinara, but you, but adding, adding more junk to your menu. The additive property is not doing you right. You're adding more junk to your menu and you're adding more junk to each of those menu items. What you really should be doing is getting the roast beef sandwich right with the one exception

of adding everything bagel spice to your roast beef sandwich. I was about to say, I'm giving you that one for free Arby's cause you gave me one good sandwich when I was a kid. Take, take this, take this gift and don't fuck this up, earn this. And what, do you have a fork rating? Do you have a fork out one through five works? One. Wow.

Whoa. You, that, that, that, wow. One is. What, what is the one in your, in your, what's a previous one forker? I'm in your estimation. Neil Campbell's given out a couple of ones. Yeah. Have you ever given out a one?

Yeah. ESPN zone was our most recent one. ESPN zone we gave a one to. We had a wretched experience there and the food was very, very bad. This food is way better than ESPN zones food. Okay. You know, maybe I just haven't. No, I love it.

I just haven't inured my taste buds and lowered my standards to double read standards right now. Wow. Yeah. But no, I found myself there. I like, I like all, you know, fast food's good. I'll, I'll enjoy it. And I found none of this to be satisfying except for this, except for the chicken pepperoni

parm. But again, I'm giving you this one as some tough love Arby's. Right. You can do some things right. But you, you, but if you don't have your basics, you're not, you're not going to win. So get back to the kitchen. I was coming in here hoping that I would, I'll go ahead, Nick. I was, I was, I was hoping that I would come in here liking Arby's more than the last time.

And, and they have a lot, and I like that they have different things, but I think you're right that maybe they're not nailing a lot of this stuff and they, they, they have to just refocus on what they're very good at. That being said, the thing that was the best to me today was that chicken parm sandwich. Yeah. Yeah. Those mozzarella sticks. We had a Buffalo chicken slider that we didn't, we didn't get to, but it was, it was, that

was great. The Buffalo chicken sandwich was great. Maybe they're a chicken company. They could be knocking the chicken out of the park and everything else they're kind of doing. They're so dragged down by their beef tradition. Yes. Maybe with the chicken and the marinara sauce and Italian themed chicken thing called Arborio's

another freebie for you Arby's you're welcome. I would go to Arborio's. I, I, I, I don't know how. You know what else I would have there? What's that? What's that? What's in an Italian-American cuisine? Maybe Italian cuisine, the deep fried rice balls.

Oh. Orange. Yeah. Not risotto. The other one. No, but. I can't do it either. Wow.

How the hell do you say it? I can't remember what it is in Italian, but it's, aren't you chatty or something? Aren't you chatty? Yeah. I don't know. That's terrible. Hey, if you know what those rice balls are called, hashtag rice balls name. Help us out.

You were just typing in your, if you type rice balls. I found out what it is, but let's see if any of our listeners now are savvy enough to Google deep fried rice balls. I also did a Mountain Dew Game Fuel Citrus Cherry in this, in this big cup here. It tasted like a bunch of sodas mixed together. Right. It tasted like a slurpee. That's the definition of Arby's right now.

Yeah. It's a perfect Arby's drink. It's a bunch of junk mixed together. I'm sorry. I'm stepping on you. No, no, no. That's, no, you're a hundred percent right. You put it into words and I probably wouldn't have come up with that.

You're right. This is kind of analogy for what Arby's is trying to do right now. Also Mitch, I feel like technically anything you eat is game fuel. Because I'm gaming all the time. It's true. I've been gaming a lot, too much recently. But it was just kind of like too much of a mix of stuff. It was like supposed to be cherry tasting.

It tastes like cherry. The two chicken sandwiches were good, but everything else was kind of a let down when I was really excited to have all this. I wanted to go high. I wanted to go over three and a half forks, but I'm probably going to go low and just I'm going to say I'm going to give Arby's three forks this time. And I'm bummed out. I wanted to get it.

I wanted to get into the Golden Plate Club, Nick. Right. I mean, I'm an Arby's. I mean, it's certainly not going to get there with that one from Hodgman. But I mean, like the, I'm an Arby's fan. I'm an Arby's defender. Like you and I, we talk about getting a little bit exhausted when people make, you know, people will talk about Taco Bell, diarrhea, that connection.

Even, even if there's some truth there, it just, it feels like it's kind of going to been running to the ground at this point. And I feel like the same as like Arby's has been such a punching bag, especially I feel like on the comedy side of things for a while where I kind of like, I've kind of got to the point where I'm like, well, yeah, but, but Arby's is not the worst. Like there's worse food out there. Yeah. There's things that you can like really pile on more and for, for whatever reason.

Like I feel like Arby's is trying to do something different and they succeed to some degree. I still really like their beef and cheddar. I didn't get one today because the sandwich I'm intimately familiar with and have with some frequency. And I, that's just my go-to. The chicken pepperoni parm, as I mentioned, is one I would get instead of the beef and cheddar. If this was just like a normal meal, and I just gotten, this wasn't the exercise where

we get a little bit more food than normal to try it so that we have more things to talk about on this podcast. And I just got in the chicken pepperoni parm and with a side of curly fries and a drink and that was just my lunch. That, that feels like a four fork experience to me. Yeah. That feels like that would have been great. I would have had a lot of fun.

I'm with you on that. Yeah. Because you're absorbing the lesson that Arby should be taking. Keep it simple. Absolutely. 100%. But the deep fried turkey gobbler had way too much going on. Also, not in the half I gave to you guys, but the half I had had a big old black hair

on it. So. Well, oh my God. Yeah. Just worth noting. So that creep who put cheese sauce, one that should have been shredded cheese. Something's going on in this particular branch. But it also been a little you song surprise.

He snuck in there. Was that you? You song? You'll scam. And then the loaded curly fries. Just get rid of all that junk on top. Monster. Sticks still good.

Cookie butter shake. I thought was gross. Yeah. I'm going with Mitch. Three forks. Damn. I was, we were three and a half before we went down a little bit. We went down from three forks two times just to three solid forks.

I'm a little disappointed in this particular experience, but you said a double read. I feel. Don't start bullying me by calling me double read. You can have that too. No. I'll gladly take double read. Don't give him another bullying technique. He's got plenty.

You got to keep it. You know what? Arby's is trying to keep it fresh. You got to keep it fresh. I can't wait to hear. I agree with you that Arby's is trying. Like I'll give them. They are.

Yeah. That's good. The end of a fork for ambition when the quarter forks are more like, we like, when, you know, and Taco Bell, Nick and I like Taco Bell, they try and, and, and, and, and like you were saying that the naked breakfast taco looks, looks interesting and you want to try that out of curiosity, morbid curiosity, but I'm, I'm, I'm curious about what they're doing. That's, that seems like a mad experiment.

And I have to know more about it and Arby's at least is trying, but just kind of a let down this time. Sadly, folks, double read is about to talk about cookies. For a second, but I have a message for you. Go for it. Do you enjoy listening to me and Mitch talk about New England? Are you more curious about Massachusetts, the New England region, or maybe even Maine, the state of Maine?

Why not check out my book, Vacationland, True Stories from Painful Beaches is a funny collection of true stories from me about my wandering through three different wildernesses, the wilderness of Western Massachusetts, where I spent a lot of my youth, the painful beaches of Maine, where I will accept my death and the haunted forest of middle age that connects them. Vacationland by John Ojman, available now or soon in a bookstore near you. Mitch, how many forces you get? Five forks.

Five forks. Wow. Double read. Five forks and a half fork. Fuck you. Double read. That's right. Vacationland.

You heard it here. Probably not first, but definitely not last. Thanks for letting me get that in. Go ahead now with your. That was the most impressive. Wow. What a pro. You're a pro.

Just cutting a tight promo. We should quit. What are we doing in comedy? We can't. No, it's not. No. Don't quit. Don't ever quit.

I should have been doing that. The whole first segment, we were just talking about New England. I should have been dropping references to Vacationland in there that whole time. It would fit perfectly. I'm going to send you a copy of Vacationland. I would love that. Wow. I'm going to send you a copy of Vacationland.

I love it. I'm also going to send you, and I'm going to buzz market some stuff that you're not going to get any money for this, but you're going to be glad that you got it. I'm very excited. I'm going to send you a Yeti Cooler bag. Whoa. Do you know that company? Yeah.

I'm aware of it. Yeah. That stuff keeps stuff cold. You're thinking that one can usurp my Rachel Ray bag as our insulated bag of choice. What's going to happen is, one day, you're going to get a Yeti Cooler bag from me. Right. They make soft ones like that. I get no money for this.

Okay. I like this product. It keeps stuff cool and is named after a famous cryptid, and that's why I like it. I mean, that sounds awesome. I love it. Right. I'm going to send you guys an actual brisket. Whoa.

Holy shit. I'm going to get a cryovac brisket from the best barbecue I've ever had in my life. Wow. Franklin barbecue in Austin, Texas, when I'm down there performing Vacationland. My one man show based on my book Vacationland, November 18th. Go to johnodren.com.com. Four tickets. I'll pick up a brisket there and I'll send it to you.

Wow. We're going to miss you by just a couple of weeks. We'll be down there too. Yeah. Where are you going to be? We're going to be in Austin, in Houston, in Dallas. Yeah. And what are your dates?

November 30th. I'm going to be there November 18th because I know my shit. I'll be performing the one man show Vacationland and doing a signing afterward of the Paramount. Please go to johnodren.com. Slash tour for details. Now, where are you going to be again? We don't know. We don't know.

You know what? I bet you'll have bigger audiences than me. No. Prove me wrong by coming to see Vacationland. All right. I apologize, you guys. No, no apology needed. Hey, weigur, it sounds like that Yeti bag will keep broodogs cold and salads hot.

Jesus Christ. All right. So we reviewed Arby's, John Ably plugged his book and his show. Now we've got a food stuff and we were going to decide if it's worth putting your mouth. It's our regular segment Snack or Wack. So we've got Snack or Wack. We'll just throw that in there for now. Yeah, we can cut that.

Are you telling me you guys don't have stings for all your sins? No, we don't have stings. This is a professional show. Maybe we've done it for two years. We should. It's pathetic. So these are the, these mystery Oreos. This is the sensation right now on social media.

People are trying to discover what the mystery flavor cream is. John, I know you don't have a sweet tooth, but if you'll help us up. But I do love a mystery. Yeah. So having helped us solve this and then toss that over to take it to give that bag over to Mitch. Jesus, are you forgetting my name? No, I didn't.

I didn't forget your name. I said, I was saying toss that over, but then I was like, I don't want, no, don't physically toss it because you can just hand it to him. So that's what I was correcting. Not correcting your name. I'll never forget your name. Double read. God damn it.

There you go. All right. So you have them. I'm sorry. These appear like normal Oreos. They have nothing that distinguishes them visually from an ordinary Oreo. Maybe they've got a little extra cream. Uh huh.

Yeah, they feel a little bit. One and a half stuff. Yeah. Yep. All right. We're going to take a bite of these bad boys. They definitely have a fruit element to them. I'm getting orange.

Strong. Oh, interesting. I'm going to like mandarin orange, almost like a Cointreau. Right. I mean, I could dip this into some tequila and have a, make it into a margarita. Oh, interesting. Cause I was thinking more along the lines than I am partly, I'm partly, uh, tipped off because I saw someone at Bobby and Twitter mentioned that he is speculating that these

were fruity pebbles flavors. And so I kind of had that in my head, but the orange is making me think like they're kind of like an orange Milano, like that pepperage farm cookie. Like cause they have a little bit of a chocolate element to them as well. Do you mind if I take another one to see if there's a difference? Please do. They're not, they're not, um, do we know for sure that they're all the same flavor in a package?

Are there different flavors within the package? I think they're supposed to be the same flavor in this, they're all from the same batch. That's my understanding. Fruity pebbles, I think is fruity pebbles as it, it feels fruity pebbly. It tastes fruity. It tastes very much like fruity pebbles. I'm going to have some cream in isolation. I'm going to see what that's going to be.

We're eating in the cookie. Cookie tastes the same, doesn't it? Yeah. The cookie is the same. Yeah. Yeah. It's so much like the same. It's definitely the same flavor between the two cookies.

It's such a fruity pebbles taste, but maybe that's just artificial. Oh yeah. Right. Now I'm getting a little fruit loop now. Yeah. Yeah. It may be, maybe that's just, maybe that's just artificial, but I don't know. It tastes so much like a fruity pebble.

The first, the first cookie I had, it's weird. I'm not, I could be imagining this, but the first, the first taste, first cookie, it tasted pretty good. And the second one, it tasted pretty imitation. Yeah. Like, I think, I think, I think if it sits with you, that imitation flavor kind of hangs, hangs over it after, after a few seconds, right? You saw your Dustin, you guys want to try, try any of these?

Feel free to have a snack if you want one of these. Dustin left. No pressure. I think he, he's giving up on the podcast. The way he, Dustin left? He's not, yeah, he's not there. Hmm. I think after our tour, he maybe went to go get a liver transplant.

Dustin likes to party. God bless. Dustin likes to party more than you who would, like, it's like, it's Ted Piapp, time for bed everyone. That's true. Turn the lights out in the house. You know what? Here's what I'll say overall.

I think these are good. I like, I, if we're going by the snack or whack metric, which we generally do, I'd say these are a snack. But there is an aftertaste though with these, like that fruity pebbles aftertaste that's just sticking around. Right. I, I, the John saying orange made me think that they, the orange element is strong. I wonder if that's a, that's a part of it.

But yeah. I think they're either fruity pebble or they're some sort of orange. When you guys say fruity pebble, do you mean just a general, as a general descriptor? Like a fruit cereal. Yeah. Or does Nabisco have corporate ties to- Oh, good question. I think-

I think it's Kellogg's fruity pebble, but it's Kellogg's and Nabisco. It's definitely not a Kellogg's cereal. I would know that. No, absolutely not. Oh, right. You know what my middle name is? What's that? Is it Kellogg's?

Yes, it is. Is it really? That's correct. Now I have no relationship to that company. I'm not going to inherit a cornflake fortune or anything, but I did grow up knowing which cereals were Kellogg's and which weren't. And I'm going to say, without even looking, I'm going to say that the Flintstone cereals, fruity pebbles and cocoa pebbles were general mills.

That's my guess. Oh, I think you might be right. And also, by the way, I searched fruity pebbles and then every mystery-flavored Oreos are coming up in the Google results. Oh. Okay, okay. Yeah. And I guess they haven't revealed the answer yet, right?

Well, I'm just going to say a different fruit cereal and say Twix. I'm going to say these- or not Twix. What was the other one? Tricks. Tricks. That's what I'm trying to say. Tricks for kids. Twix or the candy bars.

Look up Nabisco. What is the corporate? Nabisco corporate structure. Hold on. And I think we're hacking into their database. Yeah, I'm into the mainframe. I'm in. Here, I got, I got, I know who it's by.

Mm-hmm. Fruity pebbles are by post. Post. Post. It's a post cereal. But who owns post? Who owns post? Nabisco and post?

With a question mark. I don't know. Guys, I look for Nabisco corporate structure. I stumbled upon something called Mondales International, which sounds like this really ominous super corporation, but I guess they own like this brand, this and a bunch of other food brands. Well. I didn't think they didn't realize Nabisco was under another umbrella that's even larger.

Well, nope. Post and Nabisco are, they're, they're, they're, they're in bed together. Wow. Uh-huh. Yep. Well, folks, thanks for listening to the very last episode of Doe Boys. We've obviously learned too much. I expect a van to pull up at any moment and for us to all be disappeared and it's not

even my podcast. Right. That's what's so disappointing. Well, we'll put, we'll put your hat on, on, on you song and say he's John Ojman. Thank you. Let you make an escape. Thank you very much. Yeah.

So you're coming with us. I'll hide in the Rachel Ray bag until they're gone. I'll give it a very soft snack. Yeah. Cause I, cause I don't, I don't love them, but I don't hate them. Yeah. Did you render a verdict, John? Whack.

Whack. Yeah. That's fair. I mean, like the, the only ones I really genuinely like better than these default Oreos or the golden Oreos. Yeah. And sometimes. Oh, I feel that.

Yeah. The golden Oreos are good. And sometimes the golden Oreo birthdays are nice to mix it up. Yeah. Um, all right. That was Snack or Whack. Just like a restaurant value or feedback. Let's open up the feedback.

That was Snack or Whack. Today's email comes to us from Ryan Priestle. Ryan writes, if the situation calls for it, what is the best fast food item to consume while driving? My vote is for El Pollo Locos Tortilla Roll, basically a rolled up chicken quesadilla that's very easy to hold in your offhand. Your thoughts. John Hodgman, are you much of a driver?

Yeah. I've gone a lot of long distance drives. Even living in New York City. Yeah. We drive from, from Brooklyn, New York to, to Maine a lot. Got it. That's a long drive. Right.

It's a beautiful drive. It's a beautiful, it's a, well, no, not really. Yeah. You were being sarcastic, right? Once you, once you get to Maine, it's beautiful. Once you get to Maine, it's great. Yes. But it's all just interstates and, and, uh, yeah.

What do you take up there? What do you take up to Maine? Is it, uh, it's 95, you go through to 95? Well, first I go through, uh, the Hugh L. Carey Tunnel, formerly known as Brooklyn Battery Tunnel, up the west side, uh, the Henry Hudson Parkway to the Merritt, to the, uh, to the, excuse me, the Cross County to the Merritt, to the, uh, oh no, the Cross County to the Hutch, to the Merritt, to 91, uh, to 295, to 95. Okay.

95. It's a final destination. You know, we, we, we did. In Augusta, I take a right on to route three. We'll get us right to the house if you, if you don't mind. Uh, Nick and I just, we drove from, um, Portland to Seattle to Vancouver. Oh, wow. Yeah.

And man, that was a very pretty drive. It was beautiful. I think if you go San Francisco to San Francisco, to Portland is, uh, maybe the most beautiful. I have done that drive and I was in tears half the time because you're so gorgeous. It's, it's very pretty. And by the way, very curvy road. You don't want food dripping on your lap while you're doing that drive. It's not safe.

I think a quesadilla sounds pretty inspired because that not a lot's going to drop out of your, right. Yeah. Out of your sandwich on that. It's tough with the, cause Mexican food is very drippy in general. Even a burrito, that thing, if that thing falls apart, it's a nightmare. And so yeah, I feel like you're, I, for me, I'm leaning towards the, the burger side of things if I'm going to have some, a handheld, but man, I just don't like to, I just don't

like to eat while I'm driving. I'll pull over. Even if I'm like, okay, I've got it. I got McDonald's. I got to get on the road. I'll pull over five or five minutes. You'll pull over. Drive to an airport.

Go to a chillies. Right. Or just gonna start a joke dip. Maybe back ribs. Couple of top shelf marks. Yeah. No, I'll, I'll like, I'll just pull over to the side of the road and I'll just eat my meal real quick because I, I feel so, I, I'm not a, it's not that I'm a bad driver,

but like, I feel like I need to be focused on the road. And so like, I feel like if I'm distracted, you're being a responsible human being. Yeah. I'm trying my best to be responsible. I'm not trying to do the same things at once, but if I have to end up in that situation, I like just having some sort of handout, like a chicken sandwich or a burger and some fries that I could eat in the car. What about you, Mitch?

Fries are good. I think fries are good. Fries and soda, you're, you're, you're fine. Right. But as far as sandwiches go, I agree with you. If you're going to do something like, I think it's like a McDonald's cheeseburger is kind of like easy and not too messy that you can just kind of toss down. Oh, that's good.

Because I feel like it's like a bigger burger. Yeah. It's not loaded with too many toppings that are going to drip out. Yeah. A bigger burger is going to be a mess. The, the, I feel like Taco Bell does these like loaded grillers or whatever. There's a little bug in here that maybe came in with the Arby's, by the way, or spontaneously generate out of this disgusting pile of curly fries and cheese sauce.

Little did you know when you combined a bagel topping and Arby's roast beef, it would spawn a new life for a very like small burger like that. Del Taco has like a, they have like those chicken rollers. Oh yeah. And those are, those are, I feel like those are our good snack. That sounds similar to the El Pollo local roll this guy's describing. Yeah. Yep.

And, and I think like the same thing from, from, from Taco Bell, I agree with you. I'd rather just kind of eat quickly and get out of there. Right. Yeah. I'm going to, I'm going to arbitrate. I think Nick is absolutely correct. Anytime you are driving with a sandwich, you are taking lives into your own hands. Your passengers and others, you are basically texting with your colon at that point and

you shouldn't, you shouldn't. I think a French fry or a chicken nugget or tender if you are really hungry, but yeah, pull over and eat. There you go. Yeah. If you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants, you can email us at dopeboyspodcast at gmail.com to get the Dope Boys double or weekly bonus episodes. You can subscribe at patreon.com, Dope Boys double slash patreon.com slash Dope Boys.

John Hodgman. Thank you so much for joining us. The book is a vacation land, true stories from painful beaches. It is in bookstores now. Anything else you would like to plug at this time? So as of this airing, I am actually still on tour with my book Vacation Land. The book tour is basically a book reading event. I'll be in conversation with various fun friends around the country.

So for example, on November 8th, Wednesday, I'll be in San Francisco in conversation with Adam Savage. Whoa. The Mythbusters. Yeah. And, and the night before in Phoenix, Arizona, I will be in conversation with the skyped in floating head of George R. R. Martin in Phoenix, Arizona. Oh, shit.

I tried to get him to come to, I said, would you fly to Phoenix to do this with me? He said, no. So instead, he's doing a simulcast event at his theater in Santa Fe, which is the John Cogto Theater. We're going to be in Skype conversation about it and then I'll read a little and perform a little and then we'll take a bunch of audience Q&A and meet and greet and sign and everything else. And that's what the book tour is, but I will mention again on November 18th, it's a different

sort of event. I'm performing the one man show vacation land on which the book was based and I'll also be selling books there. And I, of course, continue to do the Judge John Hodgman podcast on the Maximum Fun Network, maximumfun.org. You can look for Judge John Hodgman there. Thank you guys for having me. Of course.

What a guest. You're great. Yeah. Thank you. Check all that stuff out. You know what, Nick? I'll give an early plug to Thanksgiving, which is only a few weeks away. Hey, have fun with your friends and family.

Yeah. You know what? Don't go to Arby's and get a deep fried turkey sandwich. Staying with your family, get a full roasted turkey if you can. There you go. Yeah, that's right. And if you don't have a family, invade a home. That'll do it for this episode of Doe Boys.

Until next time, for The Smoot Man, Mike Mitchell, I'm Nick Weigher. Happy eating. See ya. Bye. Ferrell Audio.