Doughboys - Burgerville with Jordan Morris and Bill Oakley (LIVE)

Episode Date: May 12, 2022

Jordan Morris (Jordan, Jesse, Go!, Bubble) and Bill Oakley (The Simpsons, Portlandia) join the 'boys to exchange rideshare stories before a review of Burgerville. Plus, a special edition of Snack or Wack. Recorded live at Revolution Hall in Portland 5/1/22. Sources for this week's intro: https://www.nba.com/celtics/history/nba-teams-chronology https://www.historylink.org/File/8792 https://www.nytimes.com/2022/04/07/business/economy/amazon-union-labor.html https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2022/03/04/starbucks-employees-unionizing/ https://pdx.eater.com/2021/11/12/22779152/burgerville-workers-union-finalize-contract-labor https://www.burgerville.com/about/ https://bvwu.iww.org Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's up, everybody? It's your boy, The Spoon Man, and I want to talk to you about today's sponsor, UberEats. At UberEats, we've helped more than 400,000 restaurants across the U.S. reach new, hungry customers and deliver growth quickly through new orders. Uber's global platform can help you grow, reach new people, get valuable sales data, and unlock ways to expand with flexible delivery options. Put your business on UberEats. Get access to the UberEats platform, including valuable sales data to grow your business.

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Coming up today, that link that you want to click on is down there in the episode description. Right down there. Check it out. There it is. Move your cursor. Go ahead and click, or if you're on your phone, use your finger and click that link. Click that link in the episode description. 1961 would prove an enormously consequential year for the cultural identity of Portland,

Oregon, though indirectly. The first event involved the fledgling National Basketball Association, an eight-team professional league which decided to found its first expansion franchise, the Chicago Packers, still operating today in a different city and name as the Washington Wizards. By the end of the 60s, the league had added a half-dozen future franchises, several of them champions, the Bulls, the Bucks, the Rockets, the Suns, as well as the Seattle Supersonics. Though it's bizarre today to think of Seattle as having an NBA team. And in 1970, the league added three more to its arsenal.

The Cleveland Cavaliers, the Buffalo Braves, would become the famously feckless and inept Los Angeles Clippers, and the Portland Trail Blazers. The Blazers would find the most immediate success, winning the championship in their first decade of operation under league MVP and noted marijuana enthusiast Bill Walton. Today are one of the league's iconic franchises, Hall of Fame players like Clyde the Glide Drexler, the late Drozan Petrovich, and of course Damien Lillard. The other transformative event of 1961 was in the neighboring city of Vancouver, Washington, and didn't involve basketballs but rather baskets of fries.

As a sit-down restaurateur named George Propsta opened a fast-food restaurant, opened a fast-food concept serving a 39-cent colossal burger. The company would grow into a regional chain, the bulk of its branches in the greater Rip City area, relying on locally sourced ingredients before that was a trend. In 2018, employees at a Portland branch organized the nation's first federally-recognized fast-food union. Calling a boycott until the company negotiated a contract, a boycott that ended in victory for the workers in December 2021 with a collectively bargained agreement that made major gains

in pay and working conditions. Today, five locations are unionized, and some union-negotiated deal points like tipping have been expanded to all locations. And with recent union victories in the omnipresent Pacific Northwest-founded companies Starbucks and Amazon, an ascendant labor movement may be one sliver of light in a dark age in America. This week on Doe Boys, Burgerville. Welcome to Doe Boys Live, what's up, Portland? Wow.

An absolute delight to be back here. It's been too long. And God bless you. If anyone has any compliments for me throughout the show, just shout them out. I already showed the pants, but you can look at the pants again. Thank you for the compliment on the shirt, I appreciate it. Save some compliments for my co-host. Folks, this week's roast is courtesy of Dylan.

Let me introduce him. The man whose pubic region is also referred to as Stumptown. The Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. What's up, Portland? Jesus. You all right? Stumptown. God.

Damn. Dear God. Oh, Rip City, what's happening? Might be a RIP city for the Spoon Man. I am hurting too much food in this city. I have Alka Seltzer for real. Have you taken it yet? No, I'm putting it.

I'm going to plop, plop, fizz, fizz, right in front of everybody. Wow, look at that. There he goes. Same sounds coming from my bathroom at the hotel. Depositive capsules into a plastic cup of water. You're struggling a little bit. I'm struggling. A lot of food in this city.

A lot of food. A lot of food. Good stuff. Less since we've been here. There's a lot less now. There's actually a shortage I've been hearing. Why? It's a great city.

What a great time we've had here. Wonderful walk-in city. We took the choo-choo here from the airport. How fun was that? We did. He was in a bad mood and made his entire trip. Yeah, I was really cranky. It was like when you give a dog its favorite toy and then all of a sudden I was just smiling.

Yeah, you had a little red lipstick coming out of your pants. Well, the city is also weird. Famously weird. Famously weird. Yeah. I don't like it. I don't like how weird it is. Oh boy.

I'm going to introduce Bill, the Portland Normalization Act. I want to normal things out in this fucking weird city. You're saying that Portland is too weird. That's your assessment. It's very strange. A lot of people talk to you in this city. A lot of people talk to you. I would just say, Mitch, my fear would be that when you start saying Portland is too

weird, you open yourself up to charges of hypocrisy because some people would say Mitch is too beard. Our guests are giving you a round of applause. That was good when you hear more laughter back there, dead quiet out there. We all collabed on that one. You know what, Wigs? It's a great city and a lot better than that fucking shithole called Milwaukee. Fuck that place.

Oh boy. You are stewing. Yeah. At Cream City. We're not doing the show there. We're not doing the fucking show in Milwaukee. You're claiming you're going to cancel the show in Milwaukee because today we're, as of this recorded, is game one of the series, your beloved Boston Celtics, you're wearing

the hat up against the Milwaukee Bucks. Giannis, just a masterpiece of a game despite overshooting from the field on both ends, completely dominant, triple double. I went to a bar. What was the name of the bar? We went to a very great sports bar. The Independent. The Independent.

We were at the Independent. The Independent. No one really cares. And you showed up for the end of the game to watch me lose, basically. That's true. Yeah. I'll come and watch the game with you and then you came with five minutes left. You're like, ah, man, sorry, buddy.

Why are you mad at me? Because you came at the end. You came when it was over. Well, yeah, I was going to come earlier. I overslept. What are you going to do? Ugh. It's just not going my way.

I'm hurting. Oh, Jesus Christ. All right. Here we go. I'm going to drink some Alka-Seltzer. Okay. Just giving this a hearty chug. Finish that.

Bottoms up. Oh, fuck. All right. Here we go. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. I will not allow you to chant chug while I'm drinking Alka-Seltzer. I'm not. That's over the line.

People were like, you know, because of the pandemic, obviously, women back to Portland in a while, people were cooped up for so long that now this qualifies as entertainment. Yes. Watching a 40-year-old man chug Alka-Seltzer. Yes. We're going to strike while the iron's hot. I'm like, actual shows come back. We're screwed.

Yeah. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy contracting COVID tonight for this stupid show. Why? Should I hit him with a drop? Of course. Emma, let's play a little drop. Oh. Busted.

Busted. Busted. Busted. Hey, Mitch. Busted. Wow. Wow. We did it.

Mitch, you haven't played this game, so you don't recognize it, but that's a little sting from Disco Elysium by the band C-Power. It was in the header of the email. Header. I don't know if that's a title. Subject? Emails do have headers, but I don't think that's what you're referring to. Hey, Mitch, Nick, Emma, DK, and Ghost of You song, after being forced to listen to Doe

Boys by my wife on long road trips for two plus years, I think you all finally broke me. Thanks for all the laughs and extra calories. Here's Disco Elysium. Is that how you say it? Yeah. We're going to have to talk about that earlier this year. Hope you all don't mind the cross pollination I do.

Special thanks to Drop King and Finke in the Dose Gourd for helping our first-time dropper, Busted. LXS. Very good. Thank you, Alex. Thanks, DK. DK's in the crowd tonight. Drop King is here.

Robert. There he is. Wow. There he is. Security. Get his ass out of here. Wags, we also have a surprise now that the drop has been played. Yeah.

This is something we've been cooking up for a while. And it's been a while since we've been to Portland. We should bring something special. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how much run up to get this. Should we just play it? I think we should play it. This is something we've been working on.

Yeah, it's been in development for a long time. All right, Emma. Here we go. Emma, playing for everybody. You can dim the lights a little, do you? oly. All right. There he gets.

You see. Wow, wow, wow, wow. That's fucking awesome. So fucking cool. That's fucking awesome. Wow. The Avatar 2 trailer. That's right.

The way of water only in theaters in December. Check it out. Something we had nothing to do with. We knew it would play to silence. But Nick and I really wanted to play it. We did. We did. We're like, we're going to be in a theater.

We're really excited about the trailer. Can we just play it? Two minutes of time down the drain for you guys. A cam. It's a cam of the Avatar 2 trailer. You can see an exit sign during the trailer. Which you're free to take advantage of at this point. Thank you to James Cameron.

Thank you, James Cameron. Thank you, James. Thank you, Sam Worthington, of course. Jack Allison. Jack Allison ripped it for us. And he said, Jack said to let the people know. I said, the decade of Avatar is upon us. That's what's his.

I think he's correct. Wow, Mitch. That's very exciting. That's our show. Wait, that's it? Yeah. We're going to call it? Oh, all right.

We're going to do more. I mean, it's not going to get better than that. Yeah, that's true. That's not true. Because we have two fantastic guests for you guys today. It would be funny for us to take over Navi bodies. And then they're like fucking out of shape and look like shit. Abalding Navi.

Yeah. Try to get on one of those birds. The birds can't fly. All right. Our first guest today from Jordan Jesse Gone is narrative comedy sci-fi podcast slash graphic novel bubble. Please welcome to the stage, Jordan Morris. Wow.

Hi, everybody. How about a compliment for Jordan's shirt? Wow. Great shirt. Thanks. In honor of Avatar, should we all intertwine our pubes? I see you. I see you.

Welcome to Stumptown. I'm just kidding. Why doesn't it have pubes? Like a toddler below the neck. So Jordan, you have something that we can share with the people here of Rip City, which is that your graphic novel bubble, the hilarious graphic novel, there are some signed copies available if people want to pick them up from local bookstore. Yeah.

Yeah. If anybody here in Portland or the surrounding area wants a copy of bubble, the graphic novel based on the podcast that both Nick and Mitch were involved with, there's some signed copies at Books with Pictures here in Portland, one of the best comic bookstores I've ever been in in my life. It's so awesome. Wow. Yeah.

Hit them up. I'm listening to this. They ship anywhere in the world. So yeah, how's that dry plug for a moment to watch a trailer, hear a plug? Why is there's people up in the balconies here? We wanted to talk about that. Oh yeah, some balcony freaks. Hi.

Hi. How are you doing up in the balcony? Yeah, balcony freaks. That's everyone with a restraining order against the Doughboys. Legally, it's 500 feet. All right. They're going to do the Matrix Resurrection Human Bombs at the end of the show. Oh no, it's James Cameron and he's pissed.

Man, I hate for him to be mad at me. Yeah, that would suck. I would be mad at us. I would be so mad. I'm sorry, Jim. Yeah. We're sorry. Our second guest, a writer for the Simpsons in Portlandia and Portland's resident fast

food expert. Wow. Bill Oakley. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Bill, while we're in plug mode, I'm proudly wearing my sticker for the Steamed Ham Society

and Food Discovery Club, which is recently launched. Thank you, Nick. Tell us about the Steamed Ham Society. Yes, the Steamed Ham Society is a club for food appreciators worldwide. It's kind of like people who like high-end food have Zagat, they have Michelin stars, and I thought it was about time for us appreciators of low-end food to have something similar. So basically, there's a community to exchange information, recipes, stuff about the latest Cheetos, the latest Taco Bell returning item, and so forth.

And there's also other levels. There's merchandise. There's also other things like that that you can get. And one of the best aspects is that we've launched this thing recently with secret menu items, which started in Portland and will go to other cities imminently, where members of the society can get secret menu items. We just finished one with Shershot here in Portland, Shershot Burger. I think Nick is here tonight from Shershot.

That was a big success. So go to SteamedHamSociety.com if you're interested in stuff like that. Wow. Check that out. Check it out. And while we're on the subject of local eats, there's a truck that we didn't get to go to yet, or a stand that we didn't get to do. I actually don't know the term stalls or stands, trucks.

You get these little hutches here, which is neat. But JoJo, you were telling us about JoJo. JoJo, yes. Let me just correct you before we go down. We're too far down the wrong road here. We call them food carts here. Food carts. Got it.

They're cart pods. You don't call them huts. You don't call them hutches. I think hutches is pretty good. We have cart pods. It's like a food ditch, right? JoJo is perennially one of the top ones in town. And they often do interesting specials as well.

And I hope you guys can get over there before you take off. It's a great place. Wow. We're going to try to hit it up tomorrow. And Mitch, you brought this up earlier. And we were talking about this a little bit backstage, Bill. But people here are chatty. A lot of chatty.

Very chatty. Very chatty here in Portland, including Mitch. You and I, I would say our experience with this week's chain was bookended by a couple of insane ride share experiences. Yes. Two insane ride share experiences. One fun crazy. One terrifying crazy.

One terrifying crazy. Yes. Yeah. One guy, one guy who was brought back to life by being punched in the back. That was the good crazy. Yes. He was legally dead on St. Patrick's Day because he fell out of a truck after getting low potassium. We were talking mattresses.

This is how we got into it. We were talking mattresses. We were talking mattresses. Yeah. Kind of thing Mitch and I talk about. Yeah. And I was like, I got a king. And I sounded like an asshole because I was like, and the guy was like, ooh, he was saying

ooh from the front. And I was like... No, he was saying ooh. Here's why you're saying ooh. You didn't just say king. You brought up a mattress varietal that I was not aware of, the Alaskan king. The Alaskan king. I said, it's my dream to get an Alaskan king, which is like the bed I'll die in.

When they knock down my wall and transport me out, it will be on an Alaskan king. But he said ooh to the Alaskan king. I said, what mattress you got? And he said, I don't got one. And we said, oh. Yeah. He was just ooing the concept of owning a mattress. That's what we figured out.

Mattress ownership. He told us that he grew up poor. By choice that he doesn't have a mattress. More comfortable on the floor. He's more comfortable on the floor. He sleeps on the floor. And he says, but it's been tough lately. And we were like, go on.

And he's like, well, I like legally died. And we were like, when? He's like a month ago. Yeah. On St. Patrick's Day, like a month ago, he fell off. He had low potassium. Yeah. Not alcohol related.

Just coincidentally on St. Patrick's Day. Yeah. Yeah. Was brought back to life as you were saying, Mitch, the guy who was with him did not know CPR, but just like pounded on his back really hard like a cartoon. Yes. And revived him.

I think, I think important to bring up, this was a seven minute ride. Yeah. Yeah. It was quick. It was really quick. His lung was punctured. It was really crazy. Really crazy.

He, yeah. And then he was like had a bunch of broken ribs on one side. At a certain point he went to pick up a ride who wanted to help him transport stolen property. And he said he wasn't going to do it. So the guy punched him through the window in the ribs. Yes. Right after he had been out. So this, yes.

Anyways. Yeah. He was a delight. We liked him a lot. We liked him a lot. He was great. He was great. To be clear, this is the good one.

This is the good one. This is the good one. There was a, there's a bad one. There's a bad one. Jordan, you were present for this one. Yes. I was there too. This was a boy.

I mean, this is a woman who, I think when we, I clocked as being like, oh, this is a standard like someone who owns a lot of funny signs they got at Target. Like. Hey, I'm on board with that. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Yes.

This is like someone who's the funniest thing in the world is like a wooden sign that says, is it coffee o'clock yet? That's good. That's good. Yeah. But then, then it, then it went down a dark path. Yes. And she, I think, I think you asked like, oh, are you from Portland?

And she's like, oh God, no. So. A clue to her. So she, she, she lives in the country. She has several, several stepchildren who were grown. And she's mad about having to wait two months to get a gun. Yes. She could never move to Canada.

So it went from, is it coffee o'clock to, is it open carry o'clock? Yeah. Pretty quickly. Yeah. She, she was talking about how she used to have a cowboy style revolver that she would wear on her belt. And she was like, and people looked at me weird. It's like, yeah, you walk into town like a sheriff.

That's fucking terrifying. Yeah. I don't like, she wouldn't let me sit up front, which I didn't like right away. Yeah. Like clearly like a big dog man. She didn't want in her front seat. Again, seven minute ride. Yes.

And then started, and then I, I, I, yeah, I think if we were in there for 10 minutes, critical race theory would have came up. Sure. I think it did come up. Yeah. Well, no, not exactly. In all fairness, that was Mitch. Oh yeah.

I went off for a few minutes on it. Right. And another thing about high school sports. She was not, she was bad news. And lived in Washington. Yeah. Yes. That's what I was, that's what I was going to ask.

Lived in Washington. And worst of all, a Spurs fan. Boom. Anyways, what's her name? Let's just tell, let's talk to this lady. I actually don't remember her name. But that was, that was what transpired on the way to and on the way back from Burgerville, which was itself.

And yeah, some shots for Burgerville. People like Burgerville. Yeah. Yeah. They like Burgerville. They have the Burgerville show for God's sakes. They're not here for the podcast. The, the, the first driver, by the way, the guy we liked, he was pro Burgerville.

He was like, like, oh, fucking love Burgerville. He was like, I got Burgerville last night. And we were like, no shit. And what did you get? And he got Colossal Burger and Chicken Strips. Colossal Burger and Chicken Strips. Yeah. Do you guys know God lives in their bathroom?

Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah. I got Burgerville last night, ate it, died for like 10 minutes. Oh shit. Saw my mom. She was a squid. Anyway, here's your stop.

What? Wise. I got, we got, we got other news. We do. You visited a robot barista today. That's right. I tried to free him, but it was happy. Yeah.

I was having the human in the store be like, how dare you do this to them? Did he, was he ever, the robot barista, was he ever able to explain love to you? Look, at a certain point. Yeah. The robot baristas are going to overthrow humanity. And then in a thousand years we'll have mentats. So because artificial intelligence will be outlawed. It's read up, read Dune.

Okay. Don't just see the movie. Read the book. Anyway, you know what? Emma, roll dude. Oh, it's so good. You can use my HBO Max login. So, so yeah, what the, I think it was called Brooby.

It was, it was very dystopian. You walk in and there was one employee working there, not a barista. And she, you know, was, was the cashier and a lovely person. Cashier maintains the, the robots, the barista bot. She was their human slave. He was there. Yeah. And, and it was just kind of like, it just seems like it's kind of lonely here.

It's just me. Jesus. I don't have a lot to do and except, except when the robot breaks down, which it does pretty often. It was just like, what are we doing here? Man. Why are we automating? She looks up and she, she's talking to you.

I got to talk to robots all day. She's trying, she's trying to fix Wiger. It's on the fritz again. You got a, you got a princess peach latte and Jordan had a very funny joke in that. Oh yeah. And now some jokes from our text chain. I'm going to roll it. So let's, so let's pretend like Wiger just posted a picture of a latte with princess

peach in the foam. And then I texted back pretty quick too. Wiger, why do you have third degree burns all over your dick? The implication being he tried to fuck the latte. Wait, you didn't get it Wiger? I get it now. So burgerville was founded in 1960. Within one minute.

Jordan, Jordan did respond within one minute. I just look. Thank you. Yes. Very quick. I didn't. Famously quick. Thank you.

Thank you. Yes. Amazing joke machine. You know, Mitch, you're about to take a little trip abroad. You're going to Costa Rica. That's right. Why? So I'm going to Costa Rica with the family.

It's going to be a lot of fun. Gonna maybe see a monkey. Oh, that's fun. Gonna maybe see a bird. Just that. Just a one monkey, one bird. That's it. Hey, that sounds like a heck of a vacay.

And you know what? Mm-hmm. Knowing some Spanish might be helpful down there. Nice. And if you have an upcoming summer trip abroad, my go-to travel hack is Babbel. Whether you're a seasoned traveler or embarking on your first adventure, communication is key to fully experiencing a new culture. That's where Babbel comes in.

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There are so many ways to learn with Babbel. In addition to lessons, you can access podcasts, games, videos, stories, and even live classes. Plus, it comes with a 20-day money-back guarantee. Start your new language learning journey today with Babbel. You'll save time, eat well, and tackle everything on your to-do list. There's fresh, never-frozen meals already in just two minutes, so all you have to do is heat and enjoy, then get back outside and soak up that warmer weather. We offer delicious, flavor-packed options on the menu each week to fit a variety of

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Head to FactorMeals.com slash Doughboys50 and use code Doughboys50 to get 50% off your first box. That's code Doughboys50 at FactorMeals.com slash Doughboys50 to get 50% off your first box. Do it. Burgerville was found in 1961. We talked about the Burgerville Workers Union. Last time, Bill, when we were here in this venue with you as our guest, we were going

to review Burgerville and then honor the boycott and reviewed Sizzle Pie as a result. So that's why we're getting to Burgerville at this late date here in Portland. Five unionized locations, as I mentioned, about 40 across the Pacific Northwest. Just trying to cross the picket lines, but you guys talk me into it. So we met at the Hawthorne location because we were trying to go to one of the ones that I went back to the Hawthorne location and saw a few listeners here today before the show. So I know that one was frequented by some Doughboys fans. Accidentally told one of them, I love them, which was awkward.

Wait, what? After a photo op, I was just like, I love you. And I was like, why did I say that? What? You know how you're just like, kind of like, like, I think so much. I appreciate you so much. Or just sometimes you're like, like, oh, lovely to meet you or whatever. But instead I said, love you.

Yeah. No, no, yeah. The first two I get. Yeah. Third one I don't usually say. But that's, I mean, sometimes it's thank you, mommy. I do say thank you, mommy. Are they here, the person that he said I love you to?

Are they here? They didn't come to the show. Oh, they're here. Here they are, right over here. Hi. Sorry. I know it was awkward for both of us, but it was lovely to meet you. And I love you.

So we met at the Hawthorne location to, but the dining room there is closed. So my order today, when I went back, I got to go. We pivoted, and this is why you want to go to any restaurant in Portland with Bill Oakley. It's like getting a tour of the North Pole by Santa Claus. You know all the spots, so you're just like, the other one, there's another location that's unionized and has a functional dining room. You drove us over there. And we have what I would characterize as fantastic service at that particular location.

Absolutely. I don't know. I assume that they were not, they weren't aware of who you guys were. It didn't seem like it. Yeah. They were incredibly friendly and they brought the food out to us on trays and stuff, which I'm not used to at Burgerville. And the food was well-prepared and the place was really, I've never been in the 82nd

in Gleason location before. And this one was, it's immaculate and it was quiet and empty and clean. And I couldn't have asked for a better fast food experience. I think that's the first time in two and a half years I've been inside a fast food restaurant. So it was great. It was great. It was great. Yeah, really, really good service.

We were trying to find both a unionized Burgerville and one where the dining room was open. But not all of them are unionized and we don't understand why that is the deal. But I guess I shouldn't ask the audience right now, but. Anyone understand the labor movement? Can you explain it to me real quick? I believe it's kind of what we're seeing with Starbucks or with Amazon warehouses. Like the new strategy is it's been easier to go kind of piecemeal location by location than to try to do the whole thing.

But yeah, it's still a complete win for sure. This is a great positive that will hopefully lead to more throughout the sector and throughout that region. But so yeah, we put it for the 82nd street location, as I mentioned. And I guess let's just get into the food because we got a lot to talk about. I would say we pretty much got the whole menu on this trip. I went back for a couple more items myself. And then Bill, you being you, you'd gone a few times before we saw you this week. And Mitch, you slept there last night, right?

They made a big bun for me. They kissed you on the forehead. Thank you, Bobby. You know, it was great. And also we got to see the beautiful city on the drive over. Beautiful, beautiful city. Beautiful, scenic. Yeah, beautiful.

So let's get let's get into the real kill the room. Sorry. Let's all say our favorite tree that we saw. Green. Any green fans in the house? Where my autumn heads at? Let's keep doing this. Where my spring freaks?

So so let's start with the burgers because that was the thing that, you know, I'm not eating red meat right now. So I didn't have any of these. I did have some of the, you know, veggie and poultry and fish options. But I mean, it's burgerville. What do we think of the burgers? Yes, I want to start. You should be cheering right now with that line.

Yeah. Okay, I want to start and I also want to make sure this is not going to be funny. I'm going to go on for 15 minutes with no jokes. It's very serious. It's the way I like to talk about fast food. I don't like to have comedy interfering in my review of the food. Okay. Bill, that's the way we like it on this damn show.

Thank you. I'm well aware of my reputation and I'm going to keep it up here. Okay. So Bill has a couple of spiral bound notebooks up here. Emma, bring out one A. I want to say that I have beaten burgerville at least once a month for 13 years, except during the boycott of the past two years. This is the first time I've ever turned extensively.

I've eaten there four times this week. Wow. And I've experienced a lot of parts of the menu that I have previously not dived into, thanks to many of you who have responded on Twitter as to what I should try. So honestly, I would say, I want to make this very clear, I think that the burgers are actually the Achilles heel of burgerville. I think that the burgers, some of them are, no, I want to be very clear about this. The burgers are not the best thing at burgerville.

And I will say this, unfortunately, I want to get this out of the way first. Listen to me, please. Okay. Unfortunately, you guys were not here during the seasonal specials seasons. Okay. The best thing at burgerville is the walla walla onion rings tied with the fried asparagus. Okay. Those are the best, they're among the best things served in the fast food universe.

Period. The other things, unfortunately, you didn't get to try those, but in any case, I'll continue a little bit more after there's some humor. Yeah. The seasonal side was barbecued napkins. I sucked down a few of them. They're pretty good. Anyway, I have a lot of things I want to say, but I'm going to continue with the comedy.

These guys can continue with the comedy for a little bit, then we'll get serious again. Let's see the Avatar trailer again. I can't believe onion rings got such a big pop. Dear God, you fucking freaks. What makes the walla walla onion rings one of the best items on the menu? The response to what makes the walla walla onion rings the best item on the menu and a guy yelled out walla walla. The problem is the walla walla provenance is definitely part of it. But I think the thing is the onion rings, I mean, the onions are fairly local from walla walla Washington.

The onions are much bigger slices of onions than you're used to having in regular onion rings. Thank you, Emma. The coating is delicious. Emma just brought me out gas X and Tums. I'm not lying to you, my stomach hurts. Usually at these kinds of shows, the audience will send up drinks, but now they're sending up shots of Pepto Bismol. Thank you, Emma. Give it up for Emma. Sorry there, Bill.

So you're saying the breading is delicious. Yeah, it's just the coating. They're top notch onion rings, the kind that you'd get in like a really high-end steakhouse or whatever, but they're in a fast food drive-thru. I didn't know walla walla was a real place. I thought it was a funny place where like Bugs Bunny made a wrong turn. It's been used at that, you know? It's real? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Much Kikak, Coachella, all those things, you know. Those are famous places from Bugs Bunny, but they do have their agricultural output.

Wow. So the burgers being the Achilles' heel, I mean, like, does everyone feel that way? Because I will certainly say the turkey burger that I had was my least favorite thing. I really do think, you know, I didn't have the beef burgers, but I'm curious about how your guys' consumption synced up with mine. No, I mean, hold on a second now. Yeah. Mitch, you're hurting me. If burgers are the Achilles' heel, this place would be in big trouble with me tonight.

I really enjoyed my burgers. Wow. But I'll explain why. I think that there's, I got the Colossal Burger. I'm just going to say it. I got the Colossal Burger, which our Uber driver recommended to me. Unfortunately, I did not die after I ate it. But I think that the combination of the sauces and the ketchup and all the flavors mixed together, Bill, which is something you did point out.

I love the taste profile. Yes. I think that's the best burger on the menu, and it's because there's so much other stuff on it besides the burger. Yes. And I think that's part of the thing of the other burgers. They're giving you a little too much taste of the burger itself, which I don't know, like, you know, Carmen Ranch beef is an excellent beef. I don't know what they do, but it's not as delicious as it should be. Yeah.

But on that burger, the combination of the other toppings makes it, in my opinion, the best burger. That's fair. That's fair. I mean, I also have the Hoppyard Cheddar Burger, which is a seasonal special. I think you're right, but I thought the meat was, to me, it felt very much, Nick, I said this, like, Culver's Light is what I said. Mm. That, ooh, are you mad at that? Well, yeah, you said that this is a worse version of a different state.

Culver's is really good. Culver's is great. And I hate that state at the moment. Yeah, I had so much great stuff at Burgerville. We'll get into kind of the accoutrement, and they were all really, really delicious. And yeah, and I kind of thought, I got the Hoppyard Burger as well, and thought it was tasty, but, you know, it didn't blow me away. It had too much arugula. Too much arugula.

Yeah, I had to, and I love arugula. It's one of my favorite greens. It's got a little peppery character, but I had to de-arugula it by half, so I could eat it. Yes, same. Same. Yeah, and it's like, I liked so much stuff, and it's kind of why I'm torn about the place is because it is just called Burgerville. If it was called like... Arugula Bill.

Sure. It was called Food Burg or Calorie Town. You could kind of let it slide, but you maybe want that burger to be a little more killer than it actually is. Wow. Uh-oh. Let's show the Avatar trailer again. Ant-Man 3? What are you guys excited about?

But yeah, there is so much killer, great stuff at Burgerville. If you mention the sauces, the sauce game at this place is on fucking point. Let's talk sauces. The dip variety? Oh my god, there's so many dips at this place. We got, and again, this is why you want to have Bill in your party. You advised us to get two of every dip, like Noah. And so we got the Burgerville spread, the vinegarette, the barbecue sauce, the blue cheese, the chipotle mayo, the garlic aioli, the honey mustard, the ranch, and the tartar sauce.

All great. The Burgerville spread is so good. That's such a great sauce. And also, I really like their barbecue. I think their default barbecue is just very, very solid, and as is their chipotle mayo. After McDonald's, I think it's the best fast food barbecue sauce I've had. It's really good. I like it a lot.

Very good. I like it a lot. I feel like, remember when Leslie Nielsen put the hose in the guy and he blew up really big before he exploded? Do we have that clip? That's all I'm feeling right now. But in Bill, you also, we both kind of had a rumbly's day after Burgerville. Yeah, I don't want, I mean, really honestly, there isn't much we can chalk it up to other than Burgerville. Since we both ate there and we shared some of the same items.

Yes. But you guys didn't have that. Yeah, we did not. No. I thought it was maybe not having the beef, but then Jordan, you did have the beef. I did have the beef. Yeah, we don't know. We have an isolated.

And it's amazing because yeah, because other than Burgerville, you guys have pristine diets, right? Maybe like. Solve. The two microbiotic greens. I had so much Burgerville this week that I actually decided to have a salad for lunch for the first time in two years. Wow. What was on the salad? What's the salad?

It was every freaking healthy thing. Beats and stuff. It was crazy. It was a detox salad, it was called. I had a salad as well. Colossal burger salad from Burgerville. It's fantastic. I think, yes, I get the beef with the beef that you guys have, but I enjoyed my burgers.

Yeah, it could be a little more seasoned. Sure. The bun. The bun was pointed out as being a store bun. Yeah, the bun was a little whatever. It's kind of a grocery store bun. I got to disagree with you there, Jordan. I don't think these are grocery store buns.

I think they are actually probably from a bakery and many of them are from Grand Central, which is a beloved bakery in this town. I would say my argument with the buns is, at least on the bigger burgers, they're too obtrusive. They're too chewy and big. They take over your ability to enjoy the burger because the bun is trying to dominate your taste buds and all your faculties. That's one reason I wouldn't.

That's another thing. I could fine tune these burgers. They're all very good burgers, but it's not Culver's, for instance. Sure. As I said, just during the course of this week, I discovered a dozen other things on the menu I've never had before that all far outstripped the burgers. Including wigs, the fish and chips. Fish and chips are good.

Wild Alaskan halibut and fish and chips, as well as the crispy halibut sandwich. We can talk about these both at once over in Seatown. These were both, like people were saying, like, hey, get the halibut. They have a good halibut. I'll say that fish and chips was maybe my favorite thing. That fish and chips was great. I thought it was really good. I think that fish sandwich, also, I was pretty high on.

We discussed, Bill, how it doesn't quite hit the heights of the Arby's fish sandwich, which is the current, you know, gold standard in quick service. Who can do it? Sorry. I mean, have you had the Arby's fish sandwich? It's fucking great. It's a delight. Yeah, no one who's had the sandwich would boo.

Go eat the sandwich. Come back. This is still a really good fish sandwich. I was very happy with it. I thought the fish and chips was killer, too. It kind of looked a little bit like a school lunch fish stick, so I was a little skeptical. The taste was really, it was killer, and the tartar sauce was awesome. Yeah, good sauce.

I got to say this. I love the logo of Burgerville. Great logo. It looks like a 70s NHL logo. And I kind of want the guys at the front counter to like throw their pads down and beat the shit out of us. I feel like it would have been fun. But it has just a great look, especially the first place we went to.

There was a little difference between the two spots, but it has a great look, a great feel. Very retro. Yeah, yeah. Look, the fish was good. I thought my burgers were good. The shakes. We got to get to the shakes.

Well, let's... Oh, you don't want to get to the shakes? Before we do the shake down, let's talk a little bit more about the savory side. There are segments. We're in Seatown. You don't skip right to Shakespeare. We didn't touch on chicken. And also, Bill, I know you had more menu items you haven't talked about, but the chicken

and chips, I thought were also... Those are some good tendies. I thought they were out of quality. Those were top quality. Tendies rule. I've never had those before. And with the sauces that were recommended to me on Twitter, the chipotle mayo and the garlic aioli, I have never had better tendies like that.

Really, really, really good. Really great. Are there other items we haven't touched on yet, Bill, that you wanted to talk about from your other experiences? I think only the shakes, really. Okay, great. Let's talk about fries a little bit. No, no.

We can't go to Shake Town, Bill. We can't. We got to talk about fries. We can't. Right now, we're fry guys. So let's talk classic fries and waffely fries. I mean, the waffely fries are a whole run. They're great.

They're really good. Waffely fries are good. And the fact that you have so many dips. So many dip and sauces. It was a blast. It was having such a fun time dipping. And good dipping cups. Great dipping cups.

The form factor is great. It's very effective for actually dipping. Couldn't agree more. Love it. I can fit my whole fist right into the dipping cup. Fantastic. Yeah. Really good fries.

It's like a bear getting honey out of a hollow tree. We got a four piece of the tendies wise. Yes. They're good. I honestly, the sauces shine so much that I don't really even care what the tenders tasted like. Yeah. They were hot.

And that's all that mattered to me. Great. Great sauce delivery mechanisms. But also, I think they were just like, I think they were crispy. Yeah. They were like you were saying they were hot. They were well fried. I really liked them.

A couple more items I got on my second trip, which I went to today. I got the veggie bean burger, which had very low expectations for because my turkey burger was not great. And I, you know, I think I maybe said a form of this on the podcast before. But when I see like a house made like black bean patty, to me, that's like seeing house made ketchup. It's just like, I'd rather have impossible, I'd rather be on, I'd rather have Heinz. But this is pretty flavorful.

I thought that I liked this quite a bit better than the turkey burger, honestly. I thought this had a lot more, you know, it was surprisingly less dry. It had more moisture and it was just like, it's just more flavorful. And I saw an actual black bean, like make its escape from the patty, like a loose bean. Mitch, that might have been a bug. Sounds like it ran across the table. You're scrolling around. Yeah.

Yeah. It sounds like a roly-poly bug. The things that roll up into balls. No, it's everything's very clean. And I also got the crispy chicken sandwich, which was, look, there's a lot of chicken sandwiches you can have right now. This was a good chicken sandwich. I'd rather have the tendies in the same way.

I'd rather have the halibut versus the halibut fish and chips versus the halibut sandwich. And I also got the mint patty shake as a bliss. Now let's talk shakes. We're finally here for the shakedown. Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake. And then we're going to go to Plastic Fork City to talk about the plastic forks. So the plastic forks are decent.

No, shakedown is a place we want to live, why? That's right. Maybe burgerville should be fucking shakedown. I don't know. I will say, you know, because shake shacks, whole thing is like, hey, we have burgers, but we're going to lead with the shakes. And their shakes are good, but the shakes here are really good. Killer.

And they've got a lot of them. They're very flavorful. And that bliss, which is coconutty, but I had two different bliss ones. A listener recommended to me was just like, hey, why get the vegan ones? Wrong. You're wrong. No, they're Mitch. They're good.

No, they're not. They're good. No. They're good. They're not. They're good. They're not good. They're a little coconutty.

They're good. This is your guys' version of who's up first. They're good. They're good. I insist they're good. Look, I never had one until this week, and I had the strawberry one. And look, it passed the litmus test for me of being something good, which is when I can't stop eating or drinking it.

Right. Because I was like, I'm going to just have a couple of sips for the review, and then I drank the whole thing. No, me too. So that's a sign of a good, good shake. And I never had that strawberry bliss thing. And I had some of your, I think I had some of your mint bliss, maybe. I had a cold brew on it with you guys, and I got a mint bliss on my own.

It was, anyway, highly recommend all the shakes. And the bliss is easily just as good as a dairy shake. It's bliss. It's not. Mitch, it is. It is not bliss. Your, the cold brew shake, the bliss cold brew shake was way worse than Jordan's regular cold brew shake.

I, look, I prefer the dairy version. It tastes like you were drinking out of a coconut. It was too coconutty. It's a little coconutty, but I, and I prefer the dairy version, but not everyone's having dairy. And if you're ever in trouble digesting it, or it's just not part of your diet, I think it's a great option. It's really well executed.

And I think also the coconutty aspect of it works well with the cold brew and works well with a mint patty shake, which were the two I had at least. Maybe, and it seems like Bill's saying it works with a strawberry one as well. So that's three for three. You're going to come at me because I have gas X and Tums on the stage. Your piece of shit. When you said, when you said, when you said coconut, it reminded me of something funny about that lift ride.

When the woman was talking about waiting periods for guns on the radio was playing Jimmy Buffett's Margarita Bell. She's also on island time. I don't know what she's a mystery. Every other song was like heavy country. I think that yeah. Margarita Bell snuck its way in. There's some eagles in there.

Oh, there was eagles too. A lot of hits. The Eagles, a lot of hits, a lot of hits. The bliss was good. It was not good. It was bad. It was good. It was good.

The bliss was bad. My bliss was a miss. For me, my personal favorite, Mitch, good one. My favorite thing in the world is a milkshake. It's like my favorite treat. I love it. Even a crummy one I really like. And I had the Portland cold brew milkshake.

Fantastic. Not a bliss. A standard shake. And we have had so much great food on this trip. What a fucking, what a food town this is. Yes. Too much. We went to Mucca.

Mucca Oestoria last night. We went to a white tablecloth Italian restaurant that was on Eater's List, which, and it was a little on the fancy side, but what a fucking fantastic meal. A lot of Italians in there, unfortunately, but it was great food. Fantastic meal. It was great. It was really good. Well, the text chain joke that I made is I asked Mitch if Mucca was going to drive with

chanked into the Boston shape. I made it real quick. Mucca's in jail, actually. That's Mucca's wife that we rode with, right? Anyway, I love a shake. We've had so much great food. Yeah. This Portland cold brew shake was, it was the best thing I've put in my mouth on trip.

Wow. It was awesome. Wow. Killer 10 out of 10 milkshake. I loved it. Yeah. It was in my sip of the trip. Yeah.

Specifically the cold brew one. Yeah, totally. Let me just add as a sidebar, there's a lot of specialty seasonal shakes as well that you didn't get to try. Yeah. Like the peppermint one, the hazelnut one, the pumpkin one, all of which are uniformly excellent. One of this, the employee was had signs promoting like the new specials, and we were like waddled

up to the front counter, and he was just looking through the signs, and we were like, oh, yeah. And he's like, oh, yeah. And he's like showing us. He's like, this comes next month. And we were like, oh, that looks good. The six, the six dollars, the six dollar burger. It's a number six burger, which is the number six. Interestingly, not available at some locations of Burgerville, but it is apparently very good.

Yeah, there was a lot of good specials coming up that we messed out on. The guy, Craig, I believe was his name, was like, yeah, he was going through some applause for Craig. He had some big placards that were going to be in the window for their upcoming items, and he was going through and showing them to each of us like he was trying to teach a guerrilla sign language. He was like, oh, all right. I fucking loved it.

I loved it too. It was very exciting. He was going to stick to the window nice and easy. Jesus Christ. What? Mitch, did you jack off onto those signs? That's the implication. When did you do that?

They looked good. So you jacked off onto them? Yeah. It was good. The guy was all right with it? Of course. It's Burgerville. Yeah.

That's their slogan. We rub your balls while you jack off onto our signs. There was no jacking off. It's a tour rule. A tour rule, yeah. No nut tour. It's like Rocky. You can't do it.

It makes the legs weak. We can't do it on tour. Yeah, there was a lot of great stuff. I got the strawberry shake wigs, which I had some of those very good. It was very, very good. It was a great shake. And listen, we all did share shakes, but it's okay because we all took ivermectin before. Before it went to Bert.

So we're good. Bill, you had a great shake as well, which was a bliss shake, I believe. No, it wasn't. It was the mint. That makes sense then. Well, I had the bliss one before, but I had the mint. Maybe that explains what happened. You and I shared mint shake with dairy.

I don't think anybody else may have touched it, and that may be the source of this. Bill, don't blame it on the dairy. What are you doing? Maybe that was it. You know, this is a food podcast, but we don't want to talk about unappetizing things right now. Let's go back to talking about jacking off. We'll happily do that. I thought all the shakes besides the blisses, they all hit.

I thought they were all very, very good shakes. They're uniformly terrific. Yeah. I liked everything that I tasted, and I will defend the bliss because that to me is like, hey, I had a mint patty shake 30 minutes before stepping on stage and reading that intro. And you know what, Mitch? I'm not the one guzzling gas sacks in front of a crowd of people. It sat well with my constitution, so maybe you should try an on dairy shake once in a while if you want a sweet treat.

The people love this. They want to see this. They want to see me eat gas sacks on stage. They want to hear a description of diarrhea. So I got a couple of cookie ice cream sandwiches. This was a seasonal thing. So these are ruby jewel, but Bill, you're saying this is a local ice cream ice cream spot. So these are ruby jewel ice cream sandwiches, and they have some year round ones and some seasonal ones.

We got a couple of them. We did. We got the caramel and cookies ice cream sandwich. This was bliss based. Yeah, bliss based. It sucked. It was good. Tastes like coconut.

Tastes like biting into a big coconut. You just don't like coconut. That's your issue. One fell on my head one time and conked me. And then you yelled at Gilligan, right? Held a grudge ever since. Hit him with your hat. Plant based non-dairy.

Oh, I would be the skipper, huh? That sucks. I hang on Marianne and fucking Ginger from the bushes. What show were you watching? I'll share them with you. Good DVDs. And then the skipper goes back to his hut and jacks off on his sides. Gives it really good to a coconut.

Coconut falls on his dick. Plant based non-dairy coconut bliss caramel ice cream. And chocolate chip cookies made with gluten free ingredients. That was the caramel and cookies ice cream sandwich. It was fine. It wasn't my favorite, but wise you got to admit the other one was better. I'll say probably universally the dairies were better from a flavor standpoint. I just think the bliss were really good for what they were trying to accomplish.

But the strawberry lemonade one was really, really tasty. The only minor disappointment here is that these were pre-packaged. It's like these are exclusive to the chain. But it's just more fun when you get something that's made to order at one of these places, of course. But good, but great, great sweet treats. If you want a cookie ice cream sandwich. Strawberry lemonade ice cream sandwich, yeah. It comes with lemon cookies.

That was really good. It's like not something I would think to order, but having a bite of it, it was killer. The lemonade ice cream and the lemon cookies were great. We ate this in front of Joy Joy, basically. Joy Joy or Jojo? Jojo. Jojo. Sorry.

Uh-oh. Got to get my ass kicked over that. Jojo. We ate it in front of Jojo. It's called Jojo. Jojo. I don't think he actually went to Portland. I think he zoomed in for the live show when the audience played along.

It's a hologram. It was like a Tupac hologram of Mitch on stage. I was here. I'm stuffed. I feel like shit. Mitch died in 2020 and it's just why you're doing the voices. I fucking wish. That's why Mitch likes Last Jedi now.

You sick freak. If I died, don't make me like Last Jedi. You wouldn't do something like that. You fucking sick fuck. Someone deep fake Mitch's voice to say that he loves Last Jedi. We ate those in front of Jojo and we were very full, but they were nice bites. I also had a strawberry lemonade I want to point out, which was nice. A nice drink.

Oh, I had an unsweetened iced tea that was really good. Really good iced tea. Quality iced tea. Yeah, great iced tea. Where are we now? Drink drive wise? Where the fuck are we? So any other food items we want to hit on before we get to our fork scores or anything we missed?

I think it's time. Is there anything, Bill? Did we miss anything on the menu? We really literally, I think, have had everything. It's not a huge menu. We didn't have a cup of coffee or whatever, but I think that we covered everything. I think we covered literally almost everything. Can you give us 45 minutes?

We're going to grab a cup of coffee for Burger Bill. We come back. Coffee's pretty good. Good cup of coffee. Yeah, faster than coffee. Bill, so you've done this podcast before. You know how this works, but we're each going to go around and we're going to give this a final assessment, a closing argument, if you will, and end by giving it a score from zero to five forks.

As the Portland-y, Portland-er, Portland, Portland-er. Jesus. As the Portland-er. Portland-er, yes. As someone who's had a lot of Burger Bill, why don't we start with you? Okay, as I said, I think everything on the menu at Burger Bill is terrific, but I don't love the hamburgers. I do love the colossal quarter pounder burger. If I want an amazing hamburger, I will go to Super Deluxe and wait in line in the drive-thru for 55 minutes.

Wow. But I don't want to do that very often. So anyway, Burger Bill, I'd say the thing is the depths of the menu, the unexplored parts of the menu that you wouldn't normally look at, like perhaps the fish and chips or the unusual, the bliss shakes. The taint of the menu. The gold is in the taint. The gold is in the taint. There's gold in the nard taints.

A weird miner. The gold is in the taint. The burgers are generally pretty good, but if there's a seasonal burger, always get that. If there's a seasonal shake, always get that. Those things are where the gold is. As far as the thing across the board, I think it's an extremely good fast food restaurant. It does a great job of representing local flavors, local ingredients, local farms, and so forth. And therefore, I'm in big favor of it.

I would say it's not perfect, but it is on the way. And thus, I give it four forks out of five. Wow, four forks. Very good score. Wow. Mitch, let's go to you. I want to end with Jordan, because Jordan is the score that I'm most uncertain of. Yes.

Jordan is really thinking it over, just so you all know. Then let's get the fuck out of here. I spent all day in church praying about my score. Look at it. Front row and center out of no boys show. No one in the seats. Four empty seats. Four empty seats.

9, 10, 11, 12, directly in front of me. No one is in them. To be fair, those were just for one dough boys fan who didn't show up. It's taped off and says Mitch. I'm going to sit in the audience. Very strange. Four seats, empty seats. Look, good crowd otherwise.

I really enjoyed. Wow. Wow. Wow. Look at this. Did you just slip like 20 or so dollars? What are the price differences on the stage? Wow, they're here.

Three people are moving up. James Cameron, Sam Worthington. Who else is in that? What's up, dude? Wow. Oh, no, this backfired immediately. Backfired immediately. So about what you guys were saying about CRT.

No, no, you can't. Still after the show. We have a Q&A later. Dear God. Do we have one more drunk fan who can take that fourth seat? No. Oh, God damn it. Is anybody on shrooms?

Is anybody on shrooms who wants to come? Wow. Good guy. It's like the price is right. Heavyweights. All right. If any of these guys die, just hit them in the back. Come on down.

Ten minutes. Guy waddling through aisle, sweating. All right. Here we go. Oh, he died on the way. Oh, man. Burgerville. What are we doing?

Burgerville is a town I wouldn't mind moving two likes. Wow. Burgerville. When we walked in there, I liked the vibe of the place. And look, we gave San Francisco's local burger place a hard time. Super duper burger. And look, there were some things here. There was a little too much lettuce on the burger.

What was the one I had again? Colossal burger. Thank you. And also, but not very colossal. We can get to that after the show. We'll talk about it. Well, everything looks small in your fucking baseball mid-hands. True, unfortunately.

It looks very big in Stumptown, though. No one wants to live in Stumptown. The rents are outrageous. I tried to move to Stumptown, but couldn't find a place. Nick, we went in there and it kind of touched my heart. Or, you know, I was probably having some sort of a coronary issue. A father and son were in their wigs. And we let them go before us because we were about to order half the menu.

And I was just listening to the dad talk to him about the burger and telling him how the burger was good and how he was going to enjoy the burger. And I was like, this is very wholesome. This is the local burger place. This guy's taking his son here. It seems like for the first time, the kid's going to love it. In my first visit, I loved it, too.

It was good. It was a very good burger. And look, the beef aside, a little too much arugula on that cheddar burger. Just the mix of flavors, the umami wigs. It was just the mix of all of it together. It was just creating a great bite. And it's, I can't go below four forks. I love it.

And I'm not trying to win you over. Oh, you would do that. I'm not trying to win. I'm not trying to win people over. It is genuinely a four for four. Yeah, Mitch called you budget Seattle in the car on the way over here. See, I don't give a shit. Why do you hate Seattle?

It's the same place. There you go. So here's, here's what I'll say. I'm in the same ballpark as the two of you. I'm going to say we're ballpark buds, possibly in the hand holding club on this one. My second trip did not move the needle any. I was surprised that the veggie bean burger was as good as it was.

The crispy chicken sandwich was fine. The mint patty shake. Look, I like the bliss. Mitch doesn't like the bliss. I like the bliss. Not good. It's good. No, it's not.

It's good. It's not. This, this is our Frost Nixon. Too fat guy saying it's good. No, it's not. Um, I want some. I order watergate and a bliss shake. Delete this tape.

Anyway, but everything, everything that I had beyond the turkey burger I enjoyed and some of it I really, really liked including the shakes, and especially the chicken and chips and the, a while old Alaskan halibut fish and chips. I don't feel comfortable going below four forks. Wow. For burger bell. Wow.

Well, it's just up to Jordan. All right, Joe Mo. Um, I, I think, I think I, I think I know what I'm comfortable with here. So there was so much great stuff at burger fill. Uh, the dips. I love to dip. I love getting multiple dips. Every dip fucking killer.

The honey mustard. Awesome. Um, the dipping was great. What, what did that guy yell? He yelled out a honey mustard. Imagine being at any other like event and hearing someone just yell honey mustard and just be like, is that guy okay? Ladies and gentlemen slayer.

Honey mustard. Uh, yes. The dips are great. My shake was awesome. And the next time I'm in Portland, I'm definitely, I'm fucking nervous over here. I'm very nervous. Uh, the burger was very good, but didn't blow my mind.

But I think it is, is very important that this place, I think, I, I don't think you can say what a big deal it is that some of these places are unionized and you can tip. And I think part of being into this food that is, that is hard for like a, a good person is that, you know, when you get fast food, you're supporting monsters. Yes. You need to be able to get this kind of fast food meal and they are,

they're charitable. Like they give to charities and, you know, obviously they're not all unionized, but some of them are. And I think it, it really means a lot to be able to get a meal this. Unfortunately, the charities are for monsters. It's the Dracula fund. Yeah. Homeless Frankenstein.

Yeah. Yeah. We here at the monster mash. Want to help homeless monsters whose coffins have been taken away. I think it really means a lot that you can get a fun fast food meal that is not fussy or pretentious and feel pretty good that your money is going to a non-monster for forks. Wow.

Wow. Four forks. Welcome to the Golden Plate Club Burger Bell. Wow. Wow. What a relief. What a relief. I was not fucking around.

I believe it too. I stand by it. I believe it. Wow. That was a great whistle too. Wow. What a whistle. Hey you.

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Do it. That's our review of BurgerVille. Wow. Congratulations to BurgerVille. I kind of wanted you to give it three and a half forks. I would have been very funny if you had, but I'm glad. It doesn't deserve it. It's a four fork restaurant.

Yes. It's a four fork restaurant. I believe that firmly. It's a four fork restaurant canonically. It is in the golden plate club and deservedly. Love BurgerVille. Wow. Folks, it's time for a segment.

You know, we've got a ring shaped food stuff and we're going to decide if you should put it in your mouth. It's snack or whack, donut, or don't hot edition. Just one more bite. Wrong octave at first. I fixed it. Some of cake. Some are raised.

Some are even double placed. Well, the meal never rents. It goes nom and nom and nom and nom. Strangers eating. Up and down the donut box. Old fashioned. Sprinkles for a pie. Sweet bites.

Eat the poles. Brewing donut. Snackin' somewhere for a pie. Donut for a pie. Donut for donut. So good that it makes you nutty. Donut for a pie. Donut for a pie.

Donut for donut. So good that it makes you nutty. All right. So we have some donuts from Blue Star, which is a local chain. Now, do people like Blue Star? What's the verdict on Blue Star? Emma Erdbrink, our producer, bringing these out. These have been quartered.

We have three donuts that we're going to be taste testing. And then Emma, if you want to distro the rest of that box too. Maybe not the four lunatics who sees those seats. I feel bad for them now. No, we like them. So we got the Tropical Delight. We've got the OG. And we've got the Strawberry Sakura.

So hey, let's dig into these. Bill, do you have any opinions going in on Blue Star? I'm a fan of Blue Star. Wow. I think people know everyone in this room probably knows, except for you guys. It's Voodoo Donuts versus Blue Star in Portland. Voodoo has a mixed reputation as being a place for tourists. But they kind of have a noteworthy menu of donuts shaped like penises and stuff like that.

The Blue Star are the more gourmet donuts, which certainly me and many others prefer. Wow. Great. Right after I took some Gasex, I'm going to have some of these donuts. I just had one and I'm not sure which one it was. I believe it was the OG, which was the Orchata Glaze. And Rice Milk Base. And I've also got the Strawberry one in front of me.

I'm going to take a bite of that. Mitch, have you had any donut yet? No. But just the ones you brought with you, right? Not the ones that... Backstage is the OG one? Yeah, that's the... Very glazed.

Yeah, it's a classic glazed donut, but it's got a little... What? Was it always this glazed? Okay. There were some signs backstage. Hey, Emma. Emma got these donuts this morning. Emma rules.

Emma Hurdbrink, everyone. We love Emma. I've just had a bite of my favorite so far. Can I have the coconut, Mitch? Yeah, it's a coconut one. Sorry. The Tropical Glaze. The Tropical Glaze is a vegan donut. Really?

It says a coconut emulsion. What the fuck? I mean, it sucks. How about that? Really? Is this vegan? It is great. This is killer.

Wait, this... That's insane. I don't buy it. It's so good. Oh, yeah, this one's great. Wait, this one with the coconut is vegan? That one's vegan. Our signature vegan cake donut infused with that.

Oh, wait, maybe just the cake donut is vegan. Look, it says vegan. I'm going to say it's vegan. Listen, I'll weigh in. Vegan or not, I'm nuttin', fellas. Yeah, I do think this is... I do nut. I do think this is three nuts overall,

but this is the one I'm the most like, oh. Yeah, what level nut is this for everybody? For me, it's definitely like, oh, oh, oh, oh. Interesting, interesting. For me, it's somewhere between a huh and a wham, wham, wham, wham, wham, wham. Bill, you don't have to do this. Sorry. Sorry, Bill.

Sorry for everything. Thank you for being here. Legendary comedy writer, Bill Oakley. You have children. I won't be doing that. I should add, we mentioned Emma earlier. Do nut or don't nut? Is it so good it makes you nut?

Was her pitch? Yeah. That's true. Emma's pitch. That's true. You fucking freak, Emma. But the original pitch, it was kind of something else, and then it was like, and then the last one has to eat it, right?

Yeah. I mean, it kind of changed in brainstorming. Yeah, we changed a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, there's an okay cookie element to it. I've wiped glaze on my pants, which is a bad idea. It's, look, I think that that coconut one is fantastic, and is the winner of the bunch, that cake dough.

That's really good. I'm nutting over that, no doubt. Yes. The other two, I'd like, maybe like, you know, not in my pants a little bit, but I don't know if it's a true nut. Yeah. Okay, guys, I just want to say,

regardless of nut status or nut, you got to remember that these donuts have been sitting around for 10 hours. It's true. Okay, you got to, if you can extrapolate in your mind what these must have tasted like 10 hours ago when they came out of the oven. Last time I was in Portland, I'm sorry for getting you up, Bill,

but last time I was in Portland, I had some fresh at a store, Blue Star, and I was like, these are fucking great. I thought they were delightful. Bill, if you put it that way, like, right now, I'm like, oops, sorry, but 10 hours ago, I'm like, oh, yeah. Sure. When Mitch Nuts, he sounds like the macho man Randy Savage.

Oh, yeah. And he doesn't even step into a slim gym. Oh, yeah, disappointed. Sorry, I'll be leaving. Oh, yeah. How about a foot run? You want to watch the Avatar trailer again? Oh, yeah.

This is a really nice plane. It's called the Lolita. Nice. Jesus. Macho man on the Lolita Express. Macho man is not on the flight logs. How dare you? He's dead, I think.

He's dead, I think. Taking to the skies in the Lolita Express. Mitch, this is atrocious. Well, I'm going to play the Avatar 2 trailers ASAP. Wow, it rules. Blue Star, Blue Star Dots are great. I really like those. I mean, that big thumbs up for me.

And you know what? I'm going to say that was snack or whack. Donut or don't-nut edition. Just like a restaurant, we value your feedback. Hold on. I'm nodding over all of them. That's my final decision. I think that's the consensus.

I think everyone's nutting. I don't want to verbalize that or not. These are great donuts. And if they were fresh, yeah, I would be like, oh. All right, let's get some questions. Emma's going to come out here and call up a few people, three people, and if you want to come up to the mic, she will take your query.

I got Aubrey, Sam A, and Lacey D. We also got to hear from the drunk guy. I got to know what this question was. Oh, this is great. I know it's a thing we avoid, but we got to hear from them. This stage is taller. I don't think they can climb on this one, so it's OK. We'll get your question, too.

OK. What's your name? Aubrey. Aubrey, this is Aubrey. Hi, Aubrey. Hello. Hi. Thank you for coming to Portland.

It's so, I mean, very, very cool for me to be here. Oh, thank you. I couldn't remember exactly how I phrased it. So my question is, what's the best color of food? Wow. So like, for example, golden foods would be fries, tendies, brioche. Red foods would be like pasta sauces or like red skittles.

Shit. I think. That's good. Red is good. Red is good. Red covers a lot. Yeah. So I don't know what my favorite is, but oh,

I think I said yellow for lemons and pickles. That's good. And queso. And hey, you got cheese with yellow. That's good. Damn. Boy, this is tricky. Because like, yeah, like an orange brown covers so much.

But it also just. Orange brown. Yeah. Like, you know, like fried stuff or breads, you know. Sure. I mean, brown alone is pretty damn good. Brown covers a lot. Yeah.

You've also got some cuts of meat in addition to, you know, yeah. But that's well done meat. Maybe. Maybe. Fuck. Like medium rare. Pink or red. Yeah.

We're talking exterior. Like an exterior color. Like what a. This is the issue. We always break it down to something so stupid. Let's just try to answer it in any way we can. I don't. I think there's a case for white.

And here's why. Come. Hold on. Now, hold on. You know what? I don't think there's food. This is the first thing I've agreed with Nick on. Let's go.

Yeah. This came up in our lift, right? Yes. Yeah. Um, you got mayo. You got all other cream based dressings. You got ice cream, particularly vanilla vanilla is a flavor. You got yourself.

You got yogurt. You got sour. You got a whole dairy section. You got milk and, uh, and non-dairy milks. You got, uh, you got a certain cheeses, certain cheeses are white. You've got mashed potatoes. Yeah. You got, you got rice.

How great is rice? I'm going to go with white. You guys knew. Let me, let me make a case for white was going to come up at some Doughboy's live show sooner or later. It was in Portland. Um, why is I, I, I, man, this is really hard red. I feel like red is at the top of my list because of marinara, uh, like a red

starboard. I can pull, but maybe pink, pink. Cause that's like the cook of like a medium rare steak is pink, right? Sure. But you're just getting the interior then. You just want the interior of a medium rare steak. I can't have the outside of the steak. I don't think so.

No. You're picking one color. Do you agree with this? It's bullshit. You have like a steak tartare. This is a tough question. I mean, I would say brown with a hint of pink might cover you. Yes.

You know, that would be my choice. I feel like it's the color of the food when it's presented to you. So it was like a steak. It would be brown, right? Yeah. Thank you, Emma. Like when it's on the plate in front of you before you eat it. The brown's a great answer in that case.

We're all trying to avoid saying brown because it's the obvious answer, but it's probably brown. Brown town. I'm in. I want brown. Yeah. Brown food. I'm in.

Wow. Taint. Taint is my answer. All right. So our next questioner is wearing a custom long sleeve shirt that just says food podcast. Wow. Did you make that? I think I know what happened here because I believe you may have sent in a roast at some

point. Okay. Or a drop. Yeah, I did. My wife had a friend make it. So I am actually from Utah of all places. Wow. Traveled into town from Utah.

It kind of feels like I went cross country for caros, but here we are. My question started playing the new Kirby game a couple of weeks ago. Fantastic. Just super, super pleasant game. Really fun. My question for you is what fast food item would give Kirby the most OP move set? My idea was maybe like a spicy chicken because you get like increased flight, maybe some fire powers or kind of what you guys think.

I want to congratulate you on the dorkiest question I've ever heard in my life. Thank you. Julie noted. Thank you so much. Thank you. Are there any Pokemon questions? Can we follow that up with? He got a high five.

Wow. Got a high five for the question. The new Kirby is delightful. I finished that recently. A lot of fun. And then there's some good post game. Yeah. So, okay.

So Bill may need some context on Kirby the character. Kirby is like a- All right. We haven't much time do we have. A big pop ball and anything that he swallows, he absorbs the essence of. So for instance, if he swallows a sword wielding monster, Kirby then becomes a sword wielder himself or a fire breathing creature. He can then breathe fire, whatever their attribute is, he can take up on it himself.

His power is that he can absorb other powers. So in this case, we're talking about like Kirby is going to eat a BLT, then he would have the power of a BLT, whatever that entails. And that makes me think- Being very hot and cold, I guess, that's a part of it. Yeah. Extreme temperature. Oh, interesting.

Does anyone want to quibble with Nick's description of Kirby lore? Are there any- Why is one of Kirby pulled something like you do? Do you get what I'm saying? What would happen? Can Kirby get his own powers? Kirby was to suck himself off. Yeah, we get it.

Yeah, but what would happen? I think the temptation is to go with something that is an extreme. Because if you go to something that's really cold, he'd at least be pretty- Because we're talking about, you said OP, overpowered. What's the thing that's going to make him the most powerful in the rules of the game? And that makes me think that probably something that's very hard or very cold or very hot. Those are the things that are most likely to be something that will help them, you know, defeat enemies and free the waddledees.

So I think- Sorry about the show, Bill. Yeah, sorry, Bill. We're very sorry. I would think a pipe and a hot slice of pizza with a bunch of like jalapenos on it. Something that's really hot and really dense and then also is just- Could give him some firepower. I think soup.

Soup is a great answer. Because he could liquefy- Soup's really good. Ah, fuck, that's good, man. He's hot. Nice tomato soup. Yeah, that's good. I don't know anything about Kirby, but I will say that my favorite video game food will be Red Dead Redemption 2.

I would like to have broiled elk. Ah, hey, there you go. Thank you. Jordan, you got an answer? My favorite video game food is when you fuck up cooking in Breath of the Wild. Can you make that a little hush? Oh yeah, that's funny. Doobiest food.

Hell yeah. Make food for goblins. Could be the name of this podcast as well. Why? Because if I had Kirby's power, I'd suck you up. Suck me up? Yeah. It's hosted by myself.

It would fucking up rule. All right, next question. This is Lacey. Hi. Hi. Hi. My question's also about Kirby. Oh boy.

I got a Kirby question. No. So May is barbecue season. It's the beginning of barbecue season. So if you're going to a barbecue, what's the one dish you're going to be super sad if your friends don't have at the barbecue? Wow. What a question. What's the one dish?

Like you're going to be super, super, super mad. Look, you know, I'm eating less meat. When I have had barbecue, I've had barbecue chicken. We did have some barbecue chicken, Mitch and Nashville, and it was delightful. Also, thank you for the question, Lacey. Great question. I'm going to go with a side. And if I'm at a cookout scenario or I'm at a barbecue joint, I want to see some potato salad.

And so I would say if I went to a cookout and there's no potato salad, I'd be a little disappointed. So that's my answer, potato salad. He'd be stewing. You'd look very scary. I have an answer for this one. I would be mad if they didn't have regular white buns, supermarket buns. Oh, that's a great answer. Because this is a chronic problem ever since I moved to Portland many, many, many years ago.

You go to barbecue and people have like these multi-grain whole grain buns for their hamburgers. Yeah, right. That's what I'm saying. You've got to have the store brands. Regular white buns. Like especially for burgers, for barbecue, for anything, chicken breast, grilled, whatever. Crazy, but don't get fancy with the bread, as I always say. And that's, I think that's something you got to live by at your barbecue.

That's great. Wow. Great answer. Great answer. You got one? Big pile of coleslaw. I think it's a great side, but it can also be used as a sandwich topper. I say it's so versatile.

I just want a big pile of slaw. That's good. I'm going to change my Kirby answer to that. Coleslaw. I choose matches. For the grill cannot ignite. Oh, my God. Without matches.

Wow. And I'd be livid. Now, Nick. I choose the Bible because no barbecue would exist without God. That's true. Dick, I want to call the show right here, but we've got to get this guy's question. Okay, great. All right, here we go.

The guy who moved to the- The show might end very quickly, just so you know. The guy who moved to the front of the stage. Here we go, here we go. He dropped one of the scenes, raised his hand earlier. Hello, hi. What's your name? Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is not really a question. I just really wanted to- I was just- I feel very passionate about burger villain. I was- Uh-oh. No, no.

Here we go. I was just- This is like a Portland City Council meeting. I wish you guys would have had just like the regular ass cheeseburger. That's- Wow. That's how it started. It was just like a big bag of cheeseburgers, you know.

And also the Tillamook bacon cheeseburger. But it was a really question. I was just- Okay, okay. All right, security. Get them the fuck out of here. Guys, that's our show. Thank you.

Thank you, Portland. Jordan Morris. Bill Oakley, our production team. I'm on Amelia. Thanks to Katie and Neil and everyone here at Revolution Hall. Until next time for this movement. Mike Mitchell, I'm Nick Wagner. Happy eating.

Thanks. Yeah. And you know they can never be mine. The black boys are back. We like to the black boys. Want more dough boys? Check out the Dough Squad, our Discord server. You get Dough Squad access plus the Dough Boys Double when you join the Platinum Play Club

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