Doughboys - CAVA with Jamelle Bouie, Carl Tart, and Libby Watson (LIVE)

Episode Date: September 12, 2019

For our second show on the 2019 Feast Coast Tour, we're joined by Jamelle Bouie (New York Times), Carl Tart (Comedy Bang! Bang!, Brooklyn Nine-Nine), and Libby Watson (The New Republic) to review Mediterranean fast-casual chain, CAVA. Plus, an all new live segment, Snackarchy in the UK.Recorded live at the DC Improv on Sept 4th, 2019. Sources for this week's intro include:Archestratus: A Gourmand In The World Of Classical Greece (By Cooksinfo)https://www.cooksinfo.com/archestratusGreek Food: A Taste of the Ancient Past (By W Ruth Kozak)https://europeupclose.com/article/greek-food-a-taste-of-the-ancient-past/Immigration and the Great War (From the National Park Service)https://www.nps.gov/articles/immigration-and-the-great-war.htmCava Is Testing a Drive-Thru With an Order-Ahead App at Its New Store in Frederick (By Tierney Plumb)https://dc.eater.com/2019/6/21/18693326/cava-drive-thru-ordering-app-opening-frederickWhy Are Diners Traditionally Greek? It’s an Immigration Story, Naturally (By Tracy Saelinger)https://www.thekitchn.com/why-so-many-classic-all-night-diners-are-greek-243252Cava Grill Receives $16 Million in Funding, Expands to Los Angeles (By Anna Spiegel)https://www.washingtonian.com/2015/04/01/cava-grill-receives-16-million-in-funding-expands-to-los-angeles/Cava To Nearly Double By Next Summer (By Abha Bhattarai)https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/capitalbusiness/cava-to-nearly-double-by-next-summer/2014/08/01/d28a9122-1666-11e4-85b6-c1451e622637_story.htmlIs Cava Grill The Next Shake Shack For Fast Casual Mediterranean-Inspired Cuisine (By Meggen Taylor)https://www.forbes.com/sites/meggentaylor/2016/07/13/is-cava-grill-the-next-shake-shack-for-fast-casual-mediterranean-inspired-cuisine/#31043b5866deCava Corporate Websitehttps://cava.com/cultureWant more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. But if you go to the prosperous land of Ambracia and happen to see the boar fish, buy it! Even if it costs its weight in gold, don't leave without it, lest the dread vengeance of the deathless ones breathe down on you, for this fish is the flower of nectar. This passionate screed is a translation of an excerpt from the first-ever cookbook written about 350 BC by a Greek writer named Archistratus. As he could read and write, one can infer that, as per the class system of the era, Archistratus was not himself a chef.

Rather, he was more akin to the first food critic, the Jonathan Gold of Athens. A handful of Greek dishes from the days of Archistratus endure, such as stuffed grape leaves or dolmas. But the cuisine has certainly evolved over the millennia, and when Greeks began immigrating en masse to America in the 1890s, Greek-American food became its own subgenre. In the northeastern U.S. cities where they settled, enterprising Greek immigrants opened and took over existing diners, serving American classics while adding traditional Greek favorites like Euros and Suvlaki to the menus.

Greek food would gradually become a part of the culinary identity of major cities like New York, Baltimore, and Washington, D.C. In 2006, a trio of children of Greek immigrants, businessmen Ted Sennocristos and Ike Grigoropoulos, along with chef Dimitri Moschavis, Moshevitis, took out a $30,000 loan to open a sit-down Mediterranean restaurant in Rockville, Maryland. The spot was a hit and grew to a trio of locations, leading to the launch of a more casual grill concept in 2011, which offered counter-service and its inspired hook, assembly-line customizability. Allowing customers to create a healthy salad, grain bowl, or pita wrap of their choice,

this Greek chipotle became one of the great chain restaurant successes of the 2010s, growing to over 75 locations across the U.S. as of 2019. And while the eatery doesn't offer ambration boarfish, one must think a time-worn Archistratus would be inspired to write feverishly about the flavors of its accessible Greek fare. This week on Doe Boys, Kava! Welcome to Doe Boys Live! How are you doing? Washington, D.C.

Guys, we have quite a show for you tonight, and before we go any further, it is time for me to introduce my co-host. This week's roast is courtesy of App Bears and You. Let me introduce my co-host, former U.S. president who did not have sexual relations with any woman, Bill Squinton, the artist formerly known as Spoon Mike Mitchell. We have a bigger table than last night. We do. I'm in the middle of my football draft.

Fantasy football draft is going on right now. It could not be rescheduled during a live show. They were like, hey, we're going to do it Wednesday at 7.30 p.m., and I was like, that's the exact time of the Doe Boys Live show, the second show, and Ramon, he was like, tough luck. Do you think there's a chance there was some gamesmanship from Ramon D., where he was thinking that because you wouldn't be able to give it your full attention, you'd be at a disadvantage in this upcoming season? Oh, I'm going to give it my full attention.

We have a plan in place. We should say this. Okay. I'm just waiting because it's about to come back to me. The second pick. Who did you take? Tell everyone, first off, tell everyone where you are in the draft, and second off, tell everyone who you took first.

I took Alvin Kamara with pick number. I had the second pick in the draft. Wait, what? That's bad? Boy. This is a PPR league? What are you doing? You don't know shit.

I don't. I don't follow you. Now it's round two, and my turn is about to come up again, and I don't know. I don't even know who to pick. Usong. Usong. Come here. Our producer, Usong Loo, stepping to the stage.

I'm telling him my phone passcode. So here we go. Usong is now going to draft for me. Hold on. Don't go anywhere. Jesus. What are you doing? I think he just quit.

He's back here. Take a microphone. Okay. Thank you. Hi, everyone. So, the name of my team is Jankton's Life Expectancy, which is a joke because Jankton drank so much. Yes.

More like Drankton. Yeah, more like Drankton. Do you think about that for a team name? Maybe Drankton? Mitch, you didn't respond to my pitch. You're not important right now, Usong. You're about to draft. Look, there's some people who are keepers, and you're going to try to take it, and then

people are going to get mad at you if you try to take them. And I said to Ramadi to text us if anything bad happens. So he will text you, but you're going to reach out to us during the course of the show and tell us who's available, and then I'll tell you who to draft. Mitch, this is such a mistake because I don't know how many people are on a football team. That's not an issue. No, but you don't have to know that number. There's so many running backs.

We're about to take a running back right now. Okay. Great. Who's the first position player you took? Is he a running back? Yes, he's a running back. Okay. Number RB's early on.

Interesting. And I have a keeper. Robert Woods is a wide receiver. Wow. My team's going to suck so much. I'm going to get so mad at you. Are there fans of the Washington football franchise out here? People like...

No. Wow. Wow. It's because Dan Snyder is such a piece of shit, right? That's the issue. All right, Usong, you are on the clock. Tell me what you see. By the way, I think you guys hate Dan Snyder more than the fans in Phoenix hate Robert

Sarver, the owner of the Suns. There's also a huge piece of shit. You're on the clock for God's sakes. Okay. D-Mond Gummery. Say a bigger reaction. No. He's probably a keeper.

D-Mond Gummery is not a keeper. Yeah. Let's get him from Chicago. Should we draft him? Yeah. Take him, Usong. Wait. No.

He's not... He's not here anymore. I'd like to remind everyone at this point that there are no refunds offered. Oh, shit. He's gone. He was a keeper, clearly. Uh... Uh...

D-Williams. Yes. Uh... Great. Alright. Okay. You have to watch this the rest of the show. What happened?

What's going on? Usong's making excuses. Usong's making excuses. You explain. I'm up again. Oh, it's a... Yes, you're up again. It's a snake-style draft.

It's a snake-style draft. Pick someone. Okay. A wide receiver. A wide receiver. S-Digs. That's... Yeah!

You're killing it. Okay. Look at this. You're killing it. Okay. Then I'll just interrupt you intermittently, then. Great. Yes.

Okay. Will we get mad at you still? Yes. Mitch, there's money on the line. You told me this. There's a lot of money in the line. There's real-life consequences to this. $175.

Oh, my God. Wow. Does Usong get to share that if you win? No. Okay. I'm going to name my team... No, Usong, we can split the pot if we win. Wow!

Easy thing to say because we're not going to win. All right. We'll talk to you during the show. All right. Come on at any time. Don't fuck this up. Yeah. Okay.

Don't interrupt a big laugh or... You know what? Don't worry about that. There's minions in the audience. I know. There's people with minion hats. How's it... Hey, look at that.

I love it. That dream come true. That's crazy. We got a two-eyed variant and a one-eyed right next to it. Oh, and we got another one-eyed over here. Oh, boy. Couple of stewards and a bob. Very cool.

Thank you guys for coming. Did you take my notes yesterday on who I drafted last year and what round? Yeah. They're on my phone, but it's just like running back. Tight end. These are... Yeah, that's okay. No, I shouldn't know what these mean, but it's niche.

I can't... You don't know what running back means? Wow. I really meant to do some research and, hey, I understand the down system. I'm not worth down. This is your last chance. I get it. Dear Lord!

But in terms of, like, people and what they do and their importance... You made my Patriots hat shoot off my head. It'll be fine. It'll be good. We have... There's so many picks before me. So, yeah. That's true.

All right. Good luck, buddy. Thank you. Thank you. Give it up for Usong, everyone. Mitch, so we had this roast from... This roast earlier about... Is he gonna sit here silently the whole time?

Are you gonna sit there the whole time? You want me to leave? Yeah, get the hell out of here! Oh, shut up! He'll be back. He'll come back. He'll be back throughout the entire show. We love you, Usong.

I wish he got rid of his stool, too. I don't like it here. It's fine. It's gonna be awkward to move it around. It'll be like the music stand thing I dealt with earlier. You did a bad job once again. Yeah. I did better last time, except I did forget to use it.

Nick, show two of the tour. Who was here last night? Wow! Good job. Wow. I'm starting to... Too much disposable income. The people who just clapped.

A reference to last night, I'm starting to feel like you're dead snake, Nick. Oh, boy. I get it. Last night, I told an anecdote about a very scarring incident from my childhood in which my snake died from constipation. And so you're saying you're a little stuffed up? That's right, yes. Oh, boy.

What else did you eat besides the chain that we're dealing with today? I had a slider backstage. Okay. And a part of a quesadilla. So, good stuff. So, we did a good job the first couple of days, I feel like, with balancing out the garbage we were eating with some greenery. Yes.

But the place we're... And I don't... Not to spoil our review, but the place we ate at wasn't particularly unhealthy. That's true. It's like a little bit lighter. Maybe something else is going on. You went back to... Oh, shit.

I shouldn't say anything. Why not? I didn't mean to say that. I don't want to spoil the show. It's fine. Two forks. I mean, we'll get to it. Mitch, I wanted to say, so a bunch of people, you know, our fans are very clever and they

figured out that if they... They will send in a targeted roast for the city we will be doing a live show in. Got a bunch of taft roasts. Cool. Here, three... Thanks. You've already passed the roast segment. And now you're going back to tell me more roasts.

I just want to shout these out real quick, because I was like, oh, what a theme to run with. Okay, cool. Yeah, let's hear them. Everyone's excited about this. Kate, who might be here, sent in President William Howard Kraft mac and cheese, it's clever. Sarah, sent in former President Howard Daft.

Not a weight crack. So there you go. And then... She still was calling me taft. The heaviest president. She's saying you were daft. Also, I think Trump is fatter. That dude's a fucking beast.

Trump is fatter than taft? I think so. Because also too, it's like in comparison to what a fat guy was in the era. Like I would be, and I am still a fat guy today, but if I was back then, I'd be like a curiosity. What would happen to me? What does that mean for me? I think you'd be killed.

I got to get back in time. But like taft was like a big guy, but Trump is fucking fat. He's legit obese. But anyway, and Ash and England sent in. This is Rash and England. This one's a mouthful. Ash. Okay.

Like Ash Ketchum from Pokemon. I know, that's what I thought. Ash and England. The politest man in Hollywood the other day, he gave up his seat on a bus to three pregnant women, Mike Mitchell. And the reason this is taft themed, he includes a parenthetical, this is a roast originally used by Justice Brewer of the Supreme Court on President Taft. Isn't that fascinating?

You got a historical roast. Like the Netflix series. Two thirds of those were ladies chiming into roast. So it's good to know that in most women's eyes, I am a taft like a man, a lot of women are into that. Anyways, fuck you, Nick. We were talking earlier, Mitch, a lot of mosquito bites. We've been getting sketer bites.

Is it mosquito season year round here? It is. Oh boy. It is a swamp, huh? Like it really is on a swamp. They're feasting on my ankles, just covered with pox. Why are they going after you so much? I don't know.

That's bizarre. I have a couple bites, but nothing too bad. Maybe they're going after me because I'm a snack. We're having fun. I think they see you and they're like, that guy definitely has some sort of virus spread around. So how wait? How often are your picks coming up?

What's the time limit for drafting rounds? I think it's like two or three minutes per pick. Two minutes per pick. And how many people are in your league? 12. 12. Okay. So we got a while.

You got a little bit of a job. Where is Usong? Is he gone? Okay. Good. That was a test. That was a corner. Darkness.

Like he got detention. He is sitting in a corner and the darkness is staring at us. It's very strange. No, that's a good spot for him. I like it. Are you comfortable there? Give us a thumbs up if you're comfy. Okay.

He says it's fine. I'm going to trust him. One of the things I want to talk about before I bring out our guest. One of the big things you had to bring up was mosquitoes. I thought it was worth it. We've been skaters here. We've been talking about. We've been talking about skaters a lot.

God. You're like Huell Houser, but not at all interesting. There's skaters here. People don't know Huell Houser out here, do they? Oh, they do. Okay. Okay. Oh, I just, uh, they just didn't like my bit.

So, uh, the little, we went to this restaurant, Little Cocos a couple of nights ago, had a lovely Italian dinner there, but we had a wacky waiter. We did have a wacky waiter. And we won't, we won't say his name because he was, uh, he was a lovely man, but he was first off. He was a classic clumsy waiter. Uh-huh. Some real, uh, some little, you know, mistakes were made here.

This story is going to make people know who it is. I mean, like people who work there. Yes. Because I know you're going to say about him, but he also worked at like a very fine restaurant. He worked at a super fancy restaurant, and we're kind of like, oh, okay, interesting. He was very Mr. Bean liked very Mr. Bean like it was a Mr. Bean situation. Uh-huh. And he was kind of a European accent, um, but he also was like kind of he, it was weird

because he found out we were from LA and then he like light, like he wanted, he decided that let, let him open up to us about how he felt about DC and he's like kind of down on it, which was interesting. It was weird. Yeah. He was down on it. Yeah. It was a little bit like, like a little bit like not like, I mean, this is maybe, maybe

the thing. Maybe he just as a server at a popular DC restaurant, he has to deal with a lot of like assholes. Not saying that's anyone here, but there are a lot of people currently in Washington who are assholes and you probably, if you had to deal with those people as a service worker, that would be frustrating. He was telling all of this and then a full roast turkey fell on his head and he bumped into everything and ran out of the restaurant, which was great. I mean, that was very, we tipped well.

Was that anything else I missed before we bring on to Comet Pizza? Oh, yes. Sorry. Comet Ping Pong. Comet Ping Pong. We, we revealed this to the crowd last night. It was good. I like Comet.

I like Comet. We like Comet. I'm on board. I mean, PizzaCate is real, but I like Comet Ping Pong. This paper straw is fucking not working for me. All right, Trump. Relax. It's fine.

You can deal with it. Oh yeah. You're dropped. Oh yeah. I don't have my phone. They remind me sometimes. You song. Where were you on that one?

Oh shit. You do need to come back out because I got to read who it's from. Emma, hit him with a drop, please. I've been down. I've been down there. Nick. Oh, you want to ask me? Yeah.

I live down there. Oh, God. The land down under. Just sort of exploring. Looking for a little treasure chest. Was it worth it, Nick? I mean, it was implying that I was a ferocious pussy eater. This was Persinger, our old friend Robert Persinger.

Oh, Persinger. Hey, Mitch, I made a new drop for you. By the way, congratulations on your new role. I didn't mean to read this out loud. I would have skipped that line. I know all your fans are excited to see you. All right. This is where shampoo would add a joke, he said.

And then all the best to Wally. The rest of the extended Doughboy's family. What a good guy. Hey, how about that? Thanks, Persinger. Yeah. For characterizing me as a hungry, hungry hippo, but for poom-tang. You didn't have to elaborate on it.

It's fucking... All right, here you go, Yu Song. Thanks. Thank you. Okay. Yu Song's stepping offstage, and you know who's about to step onstage, our guest. You guys ready for our guest? First up, he is a columnist for The New York Times,

and a political analyst you may have seen on CBS News. Jamel Bowie. Oh, hell yeah. Build a landing. Oh, boy. I'm a very clumsy man. Jamel had a near spill walking onstage, but recovered nicely. Next up, from Drunk History, Comedy Bang Bang, and Brooklyn Nine-Nine,

give it up for Carl Tartt. Yeah. The vintage clippers tee. Yeah, man. Very nice. People like the wizards here? Did some people say no? Yeah.

That was a weird like, wow, no. Is it also because it's a mismanaged franchise? We guys kind of have weird luck with sports, don't you? Am I the first person to make that observation? I think what's funny is about their sports is they rushed to change the name from the bullet to the wizard. Right, right. And yet.

Something is still not done. Thank both of you guys for being here. Carl, Jamel, your first time on the show, thank you so much for making time for us. My pleasure. We're honored to have you. Apologies in advance. We'll try not to damage your career. So, I wanted to ask you about, because you live in Charlottesville, Virginia.

That's right. But you spent a lot of time in D.C., and you were telling us at lunch that the D.C. food scene has evolved quite a bit over the decade. Yeah, it used to be very bad, and now it's modestly bad. Oh, interesting. We were saying in the green room that you can find really nice high-end meals here. Right. And then pretty good cheap meals, but that middle tier is full of scammers.

Lots of places that charge you way too much for food that isn't worth that much. They can go just over the border in Virginia and get it for like $10. Right. Wow. Where do you go just over the border in Virginia? Where's the spot? I don't know about the spot. Or what's the city?

Like, what's right there? I mean, it's just sort of like Northern Virginia. Oh, got it. Okay, okay. There's lots of... Dave Matthews country. That's what I call it. I live like 20 minutes from Dave Matthews' vineyard.

Do you really? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Take me there. I need to go. It's funny. It's right next to the Trump Vineyard.

It's like right... Oh, no. It's that right next to the... Is that true? So you go to the... If you go to the Trump Vineyard... Not you go, but if you go to the Trump Vineyard. A lot of MAGA hats.

And then you drive five minutes down the road and it's a Dave Matthews vineyard. And it's like very much the Dave Matthews vineyard. Yeah. And that's a good thing, right? Everyone's super chill. I've been there a couple of times. They're like, hey, we're not even going to charge you

for the wine this time. Wow. T rules. Dave Matthews is good. Compared to Trump, please. He's better than Trump, right, audience? Jesus. Still a boo.

I mean, you can not like Dave Matthews music, but worse than Trump is hyperbolic. I think everyone should be with you on that. So, and you're also a... So we're in Charlottesville. How long have you lived there now? About two years now. We're in Charlottesville are the spots.

Where do you like to eat down there? There is a great taco truck, sort of like in the... Charlottesville where all the black and brown people live, that I love a lot. We're in touristy Charlottesville. There's a great restaurant called C&O, has a fantastic downstairs bar, great bartender.

And a place I eat at a lot is this joint, an old historic black Charlottesville, which is called Mel's. And it's just like, you step in, the menu's been there for 30 years, and the guy's like, what do you want? And you just sort of like tell him something. Wow.

And you get it. So like I go there, I get like smothered turkey and some cornbread and collard greens. And it's like $8, $2 for a sweet tea, and you're on your way. And no menu, you just say what you want. There is a menu.

There is a menu, okay. But it's like, you don't have to use it, right? Like if you just say to the guy, can I get some fried chicken? Who'd be like, sure. Right. I don't know if fried chicken's on the menu or not. I feel like this experience would stress me out.

I'm very worried about saying the wrong thing. What? I would just be like, I don't like, and this is actually, we'll tie into our chain, which we'll talk about in a little bit, but like too much customizability, too many decisions, I get analysis paralysis.

And I'm just like, I don't know what I should be doing here. You know what I mean? So you're worried about saying the wrong thing. So if he's like, what would you like? You're like, fuck you. Is that what you mean? No, I know what you mean.

I know what you mean. I know what you mean. I know what you mean. I know what you mean. No, I know how to answer a question. All right. I will say today when we were at the restaurant. Yeah.

The person who was ringing us up was like, would you like to drink? And Nick was like, what do you have? And I looked over and I was like, Nick, they have that. It was like clearly what they had. Right.

Though I was baffled by there was a mystery bottle, which ended up being a soup, which we'll talk about in a bit. Little teaser, little mystery bottle soup. I said to you, that would have fucked me up. Let me get that yellow bottle. And I guess I'm drinking soup now. I want to clarify something here for everyone.

It wasn't labeled mystery bottle. And then it turned out to be a soup. It was labeled a soup. It was a gazpacho. But it was behind the counter in a small fridge. There was a lot of... Yeah, okay. It was like 10 feet between me and the label.

I couldn't read it clearly. I could have told you. You can recognize a bottle soup from a distance. Yeah. So, and Jamel, you're also someone, you're a home cook, you're an amateur baker. You're telling us you like to bake pies. Yes.

How did you get into pies and what is your pie baking technique? So I got into pies because my dad bakes a lot and bakes a lot of pies and my grandfather bakes a lot of pies. Pie baking has been passed through the Bowie family for generations. And so I just picked it up that way.

Pie eating has been passed down to the Mitchell family for generations. Our family should team up. You song is back on stage. He has brought Mitch's cell phone. We're up, we're up. Oh, you're thinking LeShon McCoy, huh? No.

No. Why? Let me see who you have already. Give me this. Hold on. There's only two minutes remaining. There's plenty of fucking time. I can tell you who we have.

We have Kamara. Right. Who's the guy who took second? I don't know. It's Robert Woods. Who is the other good digs and digs? It's time to get a quarterback. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, too early.

Too early in my league. Okay. Well, shit. I don't want to do it then. No, I still need your help. No fucking time, Brady. Philip Rivers is available. I think we got to go running back.

Why do you need another running back now? Why do you need another one? Why does everyone hate McCoy so much? He's fun. He just got traded. Yeah, that's fun. He has a whole new playbook. All right.

What about Gordon from the Chargers? This is not what they came here for. Chargers? Gordon's Charger? No. No. Thompson from Kansas City? No.

You just don't like anyone. Pick a tight end. Pick a good tight end. Whatever good tight end is. I'm scared. You saw, you do it so I can yell at you. Oh my gosh. Here, we're going to get, we're going to draft McCoy because he's always been good to me.

Okay. Oh fuck you. Yeah. No. Fuck that decision. I feel like you guys got to talk about football for a couple minutes. So me and Jamel should get to talk about JRPGs for a couple minutes. Absolutely.

If this was a snake draft, who, which RPG players are you drafting, Nick? Oh boy. I mean, I wonder if Squall is still on the board. Squall. What are you in the fourth round? I'd go with Frog, right? Oh, Frog from Chrono Trigger. That's a great pick.

I thought that you, that you like made the audience upset by saying what you said, but then he got a big cheer. You picked a terrible choice too. What game is this? Squall Leonhard is from Final Fantasy 8. And Frog is from Chrono Trigger. Frog, yeah. I mean, that's a better, that's a better pick.

That's the reason why I got a better pick. So you liked a bit, you, your big pie guy. Big pie guy. I bake, I like, I don't like savory pies, like sweet pies. Don't like fruit pies that much. Really? I think they're a pain in the ass to bake. Wow.

There you go. And so I bake lots of custard pies. My favorite pie to bake is a honey pie, honey custard, using a very thick, dark honey. You song, you're interrupting pie talk. Pie talk, man. This is insane, you song. Look, this is the last pick, Nick, okay? I swear to God.

It's the last pick? No, no. I'm saying I won't let this happen again. Take a tight end. All right. The only, the tight end available is H Henry, the Henry from the Chargers. Take him. Yes.

He might be, he might be a key. Good volume receiver. All right. I got him. I'm just going to draft the rest of your team. Okay. Yes. Okay.

I said in your chat, this is you song. Dear God, someone help me. And someone on here has a team named cock diesel. That's some of you. No, what do they say to you? No, nothing. It's just like some of your friends. Don't talk to them in the chat.

Okay. All right. This is the most important thing of all. Okay. Do not talk to them. They are monsters. All right. All right.

See you. All right. You songs leaving. Good luck. You saw a quarterback soon. Soon. All right. For the RPG draft.

Yeah. I'm going to, I'm going to pick. Let me think. Celest from Final Fantasy six. Oh, wow. That's a great pick. Boy, I think I got to go and stay in the Final Fantasy series. I'm going to go with Vincent Valentine.

I'll take him from FF7. What about cloud? No one like that. Jesus Christ. That's worse than any of my picks. You got more booths. Cloud's not going to be available. He's going first overall.

Are you kidding me? That's worse than Stefan Diggs. I have a question for you. You said a fruit pie is a hard to make. Yeah. I tend to disagree, but I'd like to know why you say that. Because you got to worry about all that moisture from the fruit. You got to do something about that moisture.

And now you got to make sure the crust is sort of blind baked enough that the moisture doesn't soak through the bottom. Or you got to pre-cook the fruit in some way. That's what I do. I don't like doing that shit. That's the fun part. All right. See, this is why the Mitchell's are pie eaters, Wager.

Don't have to worry about this stuff. What's everyone's favorite pie to eat? Let's go down the line. Mitch, start with you. Okay. You know what? Heckling is bad, but that was good. You get a free pass, my friend.

I think that was a discussion on my first episode. Was it really? Yeah. Wow. Well, I guess we're going to recover this then. Cupcakes would be number one, but I'm going to go with... You know what? I just recently had an apple raspberry pie,

and I know that sounds crazy, but it was one of the most delicious pies I've ever had in my entire life. But that's not a good answer, is it? Strawberry rhubarb. That's good. Good answer. Jamel? Sweet potato pie, fuck pumpkins.

Wow. I like it. Carl? I have a four-way tie. As Jamel said, sweet potato pie, fuck pumpkins. I also love a pecan pie. I will eat the pecans off first and then just eat the filling. Wow.

Pecan pie with maple syrup or caro syrup? Caro. Yeah. I'm from Mississippi. The fatter, the better. And I also... I keep it classic with a good apple pie. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. So a three-way tie. I'll throw some ice cream on that. I just want to say that... I just want to say that... Baby, we in the game. To both of you guys, just take it easy with the fuck pumpkins. You're going to get whiger...

You're going to give them some ideas. They're bigger than apples. I'm going to carve a hole in a pumpkin. Oh, and a key lime. Oh, yeah. With a graham cracker crust. Yeah. My favorite pie...

I mean, you know, I'm a self-described creamsman. I like my green pies. I think... It doesn't... It's not... It doesn't work. It's gross. I do have a lot of...

I do have a lot of fondness for an apple pie because my grandmother would make a lovely apple pie. I am going to go with... Oh, boy, pecan is good too, but I think because of my cream... fandom... I think because of my cream. My cream fandom...

I'm going to go coconut cream. I like a coconut cream pie. Worst pie goes to Nick. Look, I'm whipping with pies and JRPG characters. I'm doing my best. Let's move on to this week's... By the way, this paper straw I've been using to drink has completely disintegrated,

and I'm going to change my voter registration. So... Kava... Kava Metze. Have people been to Kava Metze? Anyone been there, the original? Kava Metze was a sit-down restaurant. It was opened by this trio of businessmen in 2006.

They opened the streamlined version in 2011, I believe, Kava, the current, and that one got way more popular than the original, even though there are still a few Kava Metze's. Can I say this, and I don't know if this is just specific to me or not. The prices are weird. What I mean is...

Shit, they're not on here. What I mean is... It's like a lot of times... I read that this place uses a lot of data optimization to try and glean things about their customers, and I think maybe as an element of that, their prices end in things like .84 or .63.

The prices are... 84 cents or 63 cents? The prices are on the side here. The mini PETA plus soup is $8.42. Yeah, it's very weird, and I wonder if that's a thing of... They market-tested it at $8.49, and then just adjusted the price until they found the exact right scent amount

where they could maximize sales. I don't know, it seemed odd to me, or maybe they're just factoring in local sales tax. Look, this was worth it. But they have the... Does it feel like you just wanted to do a show to watch a computer on stage? Like the old, the world's biggest computer

that took up a full room? Like Eniac? You've... You know, my grandfather worked at JPL, my late grandfather, George Rudolph Hansen, and he installed their very first computer. Wow. Oh, you talking about Big George?

Yeah, Big George! That's him. But yeah, there's a photo of him, and he, like, looks like me, like, stalling their first, like, fucking vacuum-cube computer back in the 50s. It's very odd.

Big G! Yeah, it's Big George. So they have this assembly-line ordering system, much like a Chipotle. There's a lot of places that do this. And we went to the... We all went together to the Columbia Heights location, along with an MNU song.

I got the... Can I quickly say... Yes, please. Is that, you say, a Chipotle ordering style? Is it Chipotle that is... Are they the first ones who pulled us off, or what? Like, the... I'm sure it's existed elsewhere.

I mean, the sort of cafeteria-style ordering... It's not a cafeteria. That's not... But it's sort of customizable, like, sort of a salad bar they make for you. That exists other places. But Chipotle, I feel like, popularized, it made it mainstream.

Like, that was, like, a... Subway! Subway! Subway's good, yeah. Subway... Jared's here. Is he on what? Out already.

Yeah, he's on... He's on work release and decided to go to Dope Boys Live? We're, like, not that far from a school. Jared, I'll see you at Comet after the show. So... We... I think, like, yeah, Subway... But Subway not as healthy and as upscale as Chipotle.

It's, like, a different thing, right? So we... But we went to the Columbia Heights one. Greens and grains I got, which is, you get, like, some half-grain, half-salad greens. I went with the... They have, like, a super greens there, which is a mix of a bunch of different things.

People like the super greens, and I also got myself some classic Basmati rice along with it. And then I... Oh, boy, it's... I should have just written down. Mitch, you were right. You wrote down everything as you were ordering it.

But YouSong has my phone! Oh, yeah. YouSong? I got the roasted red pepper hummus and also the harissa. And I also got myself some satsiki. That harissa has two chilies next to it, indicating its heat level.

And, as I've said in the show a number of times, I am something of a heat seeker. And... I will say it had a... I did that, and I put through some other spicy components on there, and it definitely delivered. You said you're something of a heat seeker last. Are you gonna do it every show on the road?

I don't know. I Cheap Pops. I guess. That's all I got. You gotta give people what they want. Bullshit. Everybody's dick in here is hard right now. I hate Cheap Pops.

And, by the way, I'm now the Spoon Man again. Wow! I'm no longer the artist formerly known as Spoon Man. Uh-oh. Yeah, Spoon Baby. Nick, I think everybody's dick's got harder. I can't top that. And I got the Spicy Lamb Meatballs.

I asked the server her recommendation, and she said that was her favorite protein. And then you get a bunch of different toppings. I'll just run down the list of possible toppings that you can get. Trinidad romaine, pickled onions, cabbage slaw, tomato and cucumber slaw, pita criss, mint, white bean salad, which I got.

Tomato and onion salad, Kalamata olives, cauliflower, quinoa, tabbouleh, diced cucumber, lemon wedge, crumble feta, and Fresno peppers. You got a bunch of different things you can toss onto that. Thanks, a guy.

Was that Jared? Thanks, Jared. And then I topped it off with the green harissa. And before I say what I got, what is what my thoughts were on my main, let's go down the line and everyone give us a sense of what you ordered. Carl? Yeah, so I wrote mine down because I care about the show.

And here's what I got. I got a grain bowl with white rice, chicken, tzatziki, red pepper hummus, harissa, chicken, Fresno peppers, tomato plus cucumber, lettuce, which is straight, lemon wedge and lemon herb, a tahini. Wow. Jamel, do you order?

Before you say what you got, I know you've been to Kava a number of times and when we approached you about possible chains, that was one that you were on board with. Have any of the rest of us ever been before? This was my first visit. Carl? No, I have not.

Mitch, have you been before? I've not been. Do you have a go-to order as someone who's frequent in this place? I do. And that's what I got this afternoon. We're really sorry you came on the show. So, I got the super greens,

no grains, beef meatballs, eggplant red pepper, rice red pepper hummus, harissa, cabbage slaw, tomato plus onion, calamata olives, tabbouleh, and some lemon herb tahini. Damn. Very exciting. Very exciting. Tomorrow I'll have that LTH.

I also noticed that you, when they put the olives on you were like, a little more olives. I liked that. Give us some of the olives. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I like that move. Yu Song, Yu Song, I really do need you.

Where are you? He's not there anymore. He's not there. Oh, here he is. Okay, he's sprinting to the stage. We told you no eating during the show. Who have you drafted? No one.

You've drafted no one. All right. It's very slow. Very slowly. Here we go. Cabbage, crumbled feta, basmati rice, lentils, tzatziki, hummus, crazy feta. Oh, wow.

Grilled meatballs, chicken. I did half and half. Onions, the onion, those, what were they? What were they? Not fermented. What the fuck are they? Pickle. Pickle, of course.

God, I'm an idiot. Fuck. You're doing fine. Cucumbers and tomato, crumbled feta, more feta. So cabbage, well, I already said cabbage. Greek vinaigrette, and then I did a side of hummus and pita, Nick. Very good. I thought it was good.

Why is such a big response from crazy feta? What is it about that crazy feta? Just good. They're signature item. Crazy feta. I should have done my homework and found it out. What makes it crazy? What makes it crazy?

It's spicy. I don't know that counts. I think the harissa did the trick. The harissa was good. I've never heard harissa thrown around so much. What is harissa? Something I'm going to name my daughter. Oh, no.

You all right? Oh, I thought they were saying, oh, because he said something. I'm going to name my daughter. No, he had a little still. I thought it was like, oh, Darius Miles wanted some G and T. I'll just, I'll just jump right in with my thoughts. This is the protein I really enjoyed. I thought this was like, oh, this is like a better quality level.

At least this one that it has any business being. I expected this to not be as good as it was for that price point. I like that you can get a mix of grain and salad grains, which you can engineer in a lot of places, but I like that it's just an option there because it's just like a little bit of carbs, a little bit more filling. If you want something more substantial than a salad, which I did, it was my first thing I ate today.

I thought the sauces were great. And yes, you're absolutely right. The Harissa really went a long way. Had a little bit of kick to it. Yeah. I got kicked by it. I was not expecting that. And I always get the spiciest thing because I'm a big Nick Weigher fan.

Wow. And I was eating it in the first bite. I was like, oh, shit. It hit me. And I realized that the chicken wasn't doing the trick to balance it out. Right. So I asked Nick for his business card to go back up and grab some lamb meatballs to try to like,

I need more meat to cut this down. This Harissa is beating my ass. You did. You really did get a side of the meatballs. You got to say the meatballs. Yeah. But the meatballs themselves were spicy. They were spicy too.

I was like, damn. Kama, you've done it again. You're a big fan of Nick Weigher. No, that was a joke. You paid you both. I love you guys. These two dudes are two of the most talented performers, writers, comedians that there are.

And I do not understand why y'all love this show so much. Carl's one of the funniest guys on Earth. Carl's one of the funniest. And I agree with the second part of what you said. Houston, we have a podcast. The Doughboys will be live at the Houston House of Blues on Saturday, November 23. See me, Mitch, and our special guest,

Eat Shit, live on stage. For Dickinson Info, head to headgum.com slash live. So what did you think beyond the, you said the Harissa was pretty spicy. What did you think of the bowl overall? You got the, remind me what you got again. I got the grain bowl. Got it.

Because I need a little rice in there. I was trying to make it as Chipotle style as possible. Forgive me. I had to. But I liked it. It was hearty in a way. I was definitely hungry again in about 30 minutes. If you were on a writing job,

I know that someone who is a TV writer and actor, if you were on a writing job and they came in, they said, hey, the lunch order from today is Kava. How would you react? Okay. So I'm going to get, can I get, can I give a little insight? Please.

There's been an article about this, but I wrote for Brooklyn Nine-Nine last season. Yeah. Thank you. And we had, we, they instituted a very interesting lunch picking process. I don't know if anybody saw this article, but there's somebody brought in like a wheel of fortune,

basically. And you could veto if you didn't like what the lunch was. And let me tell you something about these Hollywood cuck writers. They love to eat a damn salad. Okay. Not me. I'm what they call corn fed and country straw. Y'all seen the movie.

And so I would veto a lot. I spent a lot of money on the veto, which I think Dan Gore said on this podcast, but I didn't spend as much as he said, just a little bit less than that. And because I would like to choose other places. And so when you veto, you get to spend and every time they landed on there,

we have this place called firehouse subs. I don't know if that's over here. Yeah. I love firehouse subs. And Dan liked it too. And he's the boss, but everybody else in the room hated it. And so like that would be a big point of contingent in the room.

If they brought this in, I would most certainly veto. But here's why I don't want to eat healthy. We ate lunch. We ate lunch so early that I like, we had like a lot of work left to do throughout the day before we got to the next meal break. And so I don't want to eat a salad and then be hungry at two.

And I got to wait until 730 before I can eat again. You don't get that. You don't get sleepy from the large meal because that's my problem. I don't get sleepy from a large meal. I get energetic. I'm ready to go. I'm ready to write these jokes.

I'm ready to see what Jake and Captain Hoda's talking about. No, I wasn't allowed. Jamel, how was your, how did your bowl hold up to your previous experience at Kava? I mean, this was a totally average Kava. And I enjoyed my bowl as much as I enjoy a Kava bowl anywhere else. That particular, this particular order is sort of my, it's the weekday and I shouldn't eat like trash.

Right. Right. So like no grains, the beef meatballs, shockingly or like a lower calorie, very high protein option on the menu. And it was fine. I mean, this is like my take on Kava. It's fine.

Yeah. If you need lunch in the middle of the week and you forgot to bring your own, go to Kava and you won't like ruin your diet. Right. Yeah, that seems to be, it's funny. It seems to be a work lunch spot. Right.

That was my whole thing. I was just like, oh, this is, you're working an office job. Endless streams of Hill staffers making their way into Kavas. You know, I just don't know what I feel about the bolification of America. Boy, there's bowls.

We're eating out of bowls every day for lunch. Make America plates again. Yeah. Make America plates again. Yeah. Boo. Yeah. Boo.

Boo. Yeah. Jeez. We need you every episode. I don't know. I just feel like a, I feel like with the ball, I just feel like a fucking animal sometimes.

Eating out of the bowl. Do you know what I'm saying? I love that shit. It's just put it in my, but dump the bowl in my mouth. Lunch is a useless meal. You eat it because you have to shovel that shit in my mouth. That's fair.

So I can get along in my day. That's fair. And I love Mediterranean food. So that that was, that's big for me. And I think you're right that a place that you can get just, you can, you can, my idea with Kava is that if I,

if I had more time with this place, I think it would go to my, be my go-to spot almost every day for lunch. Just cause it's Mediterranean and it's healthy-ish. Right. And I think that in doing the rice and greens mix or whatever, I think would be great. But I have some issues with it too.

Look, it's true. No, I'm not going to say it now. Are we, should we get into it? Yeah, let's get into it. I'm just, I'm surprised there's so much, such a big reaction to that. Cause it seems like such a place that you have not a, like just a no reaction to, right?

It's not like a huge, You guys are confusing us. The hummus isn't that good. Wow. Cause the hummus isn't that good for a place that's a Mediterranean place. And the rice I thought was too hard. Soft rice.

I like my rice like me. Always soft. And yeah, you got hard to like pick up with two fingers. You made me reach for the stool and there was nothing here. Yeah, the rice. I didn't think, I think, I think the base, the base of it, the rice, the, that that saffron rice was, yes,

was just a little too like hard and wasn't my favorite. And then I thought the hummus could be better. That being said, I still love a, like a like a Metatrain Chipotle. Yes. That's healthy and has good options like that. And you can make a big bowl. But I had some issues with the flavors of it.

To your bowl point. And this is more of a, I've had one, I've had, well, two experiences at Kava. And the... That's right. My feeling when I eat at Chipotle, specifically Chipotle, and I'll separate this from sweet green,

which is like more of like, oh, I just, I'm getting a salad here. But if I eat at Chipotle, there are times when I just feel like I'm just eating seven layer dip. I'm just like, this is just a bowl of dip. And this is a meal. And it feels very,

it feels very trough like. Are you trying to win me back over the problem? Yeah. This is the selling point of the bowl. Seven layer dip for lunch is good. You've lost everyone. So, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I just feel, it feels like a,

like just a big thing of mush sometimes. But I guess some certain people like that in their food. I do agree with Chabelle, because I always think of lunch is just a, and Carl, I know your thoughts, but I always think of lunch as like kind of a throwaway meal, especially if I'm working. Like that for me is like, okay,

I can eat, if I'm going to eat shitty, I'll eat shitty on the weekend, or I'll eat shitty for dinner. But for lunch, I can always just have the most boring, like inert, like bland salad ever. And it's fine. It's just like fuel.

And that's, I mean, that's just like an attitude of, I guess, I don't know if that's smart or not at work, but like it kind of almost keeps me in work mode. Yeah. For some, I think that's the, the consensus for a lot of TV writers. Right. My metabolic tract is completely thrown off.

So if I have a big lunch, that's probably going to be my last meal of the day. Oh, wow. And then it's tequila dinner. And so... You live like a Spaniard then. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what, yeah, I see that stuff. No, but yeah, I like a good lunch. Okay. I'm going to get canceled, guys. Oh boy. What the hell? You ready for this? Oh boy.

I thought I'd take this platform to say this. The rare Morgan Spurlock self-concancellation about that. Wow. No, I'm not a, I'm not a huge fan of Mediterranean food. Wow. Yes. Here's...

Okay. I got some claps. They're all wearing red hats. No, no, no. No, I just, it ain't never my go-to. You know what I'm saying? Right. And this trip has been amazing.

And what we ate yesterday was amazing. And then today I was walking up out of my very time, time zone slumber. Yeah. By you song. Being like, we got to go. And I'm like, okay. To eat Mediterranean food.

So you're three at like, our one PM lunch was like a breakfast for you. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I mean, that's like weird. And I totally get that. That's like a weird thing to eat as your very first meal

when you're just waking up. By the way, we did a quick tangent. We went to Ben's Chili Bowl yesterday. I had a great time. I won't spoil our fork scores of the episode. We'll be out tomorrow in the main feed. But Jamil, have you been to Ben's? And what do you think?

I've been to Ben's once. Cause I used to live like right, like 10 minutes from it. I'm actually, it's fine. You know, I'm not a big hot dog person. I know. Wow. I know.

Oh boy. Trader to the race right here. We have to talk after the show. Give me, give me right around the corner from Ben's on New Street is Florida Avenue Grill. Give me that. Any day of the week. It was weird to me that

Kava still has a portrait of Bill Cosby inside the restaurant. They just have. Oh. Okay. Um, so, uh, Oh yeah. In addition to the bowl.

Oh wait, Mitch, did you, beyond your, did you have any other thoughts on your bowl? Get some pita with that hummus. Yeah. As a side. It was okay. The ball was great. I felt like I had little areas of, you know,

with the ball. It's the ball thing where you get little areas like, ooh, I like this little spot. Right. I, I ate the spot. I ate that spot out of it. It's gone. Yeah.

Anyway, I'll go over here. This isn't as good in the spot. That's, that's, that's the bowl issue. You had to mix them. Yeah. I should have mixed. I basically ate an ingredient by ingredients. So I also,

I mentioned the, the bottle of soup and I got it. And it was a gazpacho. It was a carrot gazpacho. Has anyone had the carrot gazpacho before? I would say don't get it. Yeah. It's great.

Don't get it. Honestly, when you got it, I was shocked. I had never seen it before. Yeah. This was like a new thing to me. I felt guilty because our server was the, and she,

she both built my bowl and then came up over to help bus our trays. And she was lovely. Very nice person. But she, but she asked me like, like cause I'd eaten like a third of the gazpacho. And she was like, you didn't like the gazpacho.

And so like, I was kind of lied and I was like, Oh, I was just full. Cause they didn't want to disappoint. But like, wait, she doesn't give a shit. Why would she care?

Like, and I just, don't all that. You coward. Look, look her dead in the eye. I fucking hated this. Also,

you got the gazpacho when she asked us what we wanted to drink. That's true. That's, wait a minute. When she asked me, you wanted to drink, you ordered a soup. He chose,

he completed it. So behind the counter was all of these, I'll go frescoes like juices, like very good teas. I didn't see those at first. And then on the other side, there was the fucking natural sodas and shit. And he chose gazpacho.

That's insane. I also got a What can I get you to drink? Oh, salad. I also got a spin drift. I just got a canned, canned seltzer. Hell yeah.

But yeah, spin drift is good. But yeah, that gazpacho was gross. You had a, you had a bite of it, Mitch. I had a sip of it. We had a sip of it.

I drank it out of the fucking thing. It was wild. Mitch just grabbed the bottle and I took a... I bit into it. Nick being the lovely person he is, I was like, Nick, did you get gazpacho? And he was like,

yeah, you want to try a bit? I was like, Nick, no! I just woke up. It's one PM Eastern. I bit into it like Animal House. No, it sucked. It sucked so much.

I was mad at you for getting it. And also, I was mad at you for the way you drank, you ate it. Which was that you poured it onto a spoon and were eating it like that. Everyone here knows that's true. I got to say, at first, at first I thought you were trying to put the spoon in the bottle.

Yeah. Which, no, he did try that. I did try to do that. It didn't work. I tried to do that for too long. Yeah, and I just sort of dispensed it like I was dispensing medicine. I don't want to fucking drink soup

out of a bottle, like a fucking animal. I was like, I thought, is there a little thing I can pour it into? So I was just having spoonfuls. And also, we had a party of six. I didn't know who else

wanted to try this weird, cold soup. And so I was just giving myself spoonfuls at first. And I just kept doing it. But yeah, it was bad. It was really bad. Honestly too, just like under-seasoned for this.

It's just like pureed vegetables, not particularly satisfying. And then we also got some, wait, is there any other food I missed? I mentioned our bowls, I mentioned the gazpacho. Is there any other food you guys got? Cookies.

Oh yeah, we got some cookies. The apricot honey and dark chocolate oat cookies. I just don't like the pre-packaged dessert in front of the counter. Why bother? I guess because marks like me will buy it. But it's just like, it's never,

it's not very satisfying. The cookies were, Jamel, you remarked they were softer than we expected. Yeah, I was expecting a very hard cookie and then I like, tried to crack a bit off and I was like, holy fuck, this is a soft cookie?

Yeah. You went flying across the room. Straighten to the wall. It was a bad afternoon. It's very, very soft. The apricot honey one, I feel like it had dried apricot bits in it, which I didn't love.

The dark chocolate oat cookie was fine. You know, it's got the thing they do now where they throw sea salt on top of the cookie, which I'm a fan of. I always thought that was just to keep slugs away. Yeah, slugs always trying to steal cookies. Trying to just yank them. They saw Mitch eating it and were like,

didn't work. People think I'm a big slug? No, you're not a slug man. You're not a slug man. You're a very handsome big guy. Thank you. And you have eye stalks. So I went back to the, what did you get?

Any other thoughts on those cookies? You know, I didn't, surprisingly, I didn't try the cookie. I should have. But neither flavor was appetizing. Yeah. And it also was breakfast once again. You don't want to cookie a breakfast.

I do. But this time I did not because it was like they made the cookies in a way of like, you're not going to like this, come on. Can I say the cookies for breakfast thing? I think is a valid choice because how many of your, how many breakfast pastries are just super sweet?

What's the difference between having a bear claw or a donut and having a few Oreos? It's the same thing. Same thing. If you just want a little bit of carbs and sugar first thing in the morning, feel free to do it. I mean, I think, on that note,

I think an oatmeal raisin cookie, totally legitimate breakfast. 100%. 100%. Sure. Jamel, what did you think of them cookies beyond them being, having a softer texture than expected? They're just fine.

They're fine. Yeah, fine. I know I got one of the, the, Lemonade. Did you get it? Oh yes. Yeah. Let's talk bevs.

Go ahead. No, I got the, it was like a strawberry lemonade. I don't really understand strawberry lemonade because like you don't really ever taste the strawberry. Sorry. No, go on. Have I offended? No, no, that's fine.

I love strawberry lemonade. Did I trigger you? Slightly trigger. Here, I'll tell you, but I have an issue with today's strawberry lemonade. So please continue on. I'm sorry. No, no, no.

I just, I was, to me, it's just sort of like, oh, it's just lemonade that sort of has like, I don't know, like in a, it's red. So that was fine. Interesting. Our listeners can't see this, but Mitch is trembling, noticeably. Here's the deal with this one is a strawberry citrus

and it was like very light and you couldn't really taste the, the, the, the strawberry notes. Sure. Oh God. But then when I did, when I, when I was leaving, so I got the strawberry citrus, when I was leaving, I mixed half lemonade, half strawberry citrus and it was great.

It was so much better than the strawberry citrus itself and you because it felt like a real lemonade or whatever, but I don't know why they just don't, why they don't have that. It doesn't make any sense. I think it's supposed to be like a low cal, cause it's like a hundred calories. Right.

The lemonade is 200 calories. It's a lot of sugar, but I think if it's a good strawberry, let me, you got the chunks of strawberry in there. They get stuck in your straw. You're having fun. No, that sounds like a nightmare. No, I get it. I remember when we were younger and people go,

I'm, I'm not drinking soda anymore. It's unhealthy. And they will order a strawberry and lemonade is like, you dumb bitch. It's the same thing. It's just got just as much sugar up. Spell. You saw a live spell.

A little spell. That's an excuse for him to take his shirt off. Show us those nips. Show us those nips. Really want to get those dicks off. So I went back for dinner. I went to the location that's one block away from the DC improv. I met Ruben and Serena there.

Ruben recommended the watermelon cooler, which actually ended up being a nice little treat. Ruben stuttered. It was Ruben stuttered. Yeah. And Serena who? Williams. So he's power cow.

Wow. How the mighty have fallen. So I got the, so I got them the mini plus soup because I figured, okay, let's try one of their pitas. Let's try one of their wraps. The first thing I'll say is that mini pita is, I mean, it's got a good thickness to it, but it's like the size of a corn tortilla.

It's not very big. And then when they start loading shit in there, I didn't get very much in terms of what I stuffed my pita with, but it was overflowing. Careful. Okay, come on. It wasn't a euphemism. But I got like the grilled chicken, a few toppings,

one dressing, some Zatziki, some standard hummus, which I agree was not like, it's not, it's fine. It's not great. But the mini just doesn't work. And I think for me, the key difference between this and Chipotle is, maybe I should have got a full size one, but the Chipotle, it's contained within a tortilla. And so if you get a big burrito,

as long as it doesn't split apart, sometimes they'll throw on that second tortilla to keep it intact. It's manageable to eat a pita. It's just open. It's just like a taco. And by, I got it to go. And Jamel, you guys saw it in the green room. It was just a mess.

It was just like, it was just everywhere. I unwrapped it and it was just basically inedible. I had about half of it. My hands were just covered with Zatziki. It was, it was impossible to eat. And he was like, he was like, you want some of this and like held out his shaking hands with a pita and a tzatziki all over it, just falling off his hands.

Tzatziki just spilling out of this stuff. My low grade tremor is not helping. And then I sadly was like, yeah, I do. And I took a bite out of it. I think the chicken was not great. Like they have a new chicken there. They have like a spicy honey one that they didn't have. They said it was going to take 10 minutes to get ready.

And I was in a rush. So I just got the regular chicken. I didn't love the chicken. I thought it was just like very, it's like Chipotle chicken. It was very bland. But the, everything else was great. It was just impossible to eat. And the spicy lentil soup was fine.

This is just the thing where it's just like, they offer this because they feel like they have to offer it. It's like Chipotle offering tacos, but don't like, why get it? Get the bowl. The bowl is the reason to go there. So yeah, that was underwhelming versus my first experience. Any other thoughts on our Kava meal before we get to our final thoughts? I would, I would take Chipotle's chicken over Kava's chicken.

Wow. Wow. Just, I just, I had to cut, that harissa was kicking my ass. Yeah. And the chicken did nothing to help me. So I had to get some lamb meatballs, which also was like psych. No, but, but on that point for like the kind of place it is, I think that it's, it's sort of non-chicken protein.

So I agree with it. The chicken's fine. Yeah. It's non-chicken protein. They're actually pretty good. Yes. For sure. And have like the, the meatballs in particular have a lot of flavor.

So if I were like recommending, you know, if we're going to go to this place, like just ignore the chicken. They have like vegetables that don't look great. Don't get those either. Yeah. The falafel, yeah. The falafel is pretty good. But yeah, the beef meatballs, I think are sort of like the highlight of the,

of the menu for proteins. Right. I, well, we'll see. I'll save it for the wrap up. Okay. Let's get to our final thoughts. So here's how this works. We each go around.

We give our summation, our closing argument, if you will, and then give this chain of rating from zero to five forks Carl Tart. You'll begin. Um, as I start my summation, I, uh, I just want to give a shout out to one gentleman in the audience. We're the Saints shirt on who that. Wow. I, uh, as I walked in the 97 degree Washington, D.C. heat all the way for my Airbnb this

morning, afternoon, Eastern time to the cover. I walked in expecting exactly what I got. Am I rating this by the way? Yeah, please. Uh, I, um, I ordered the grain bowl. The rice was fine. I don't know what Mitch was talking about, but the chicken did not do it for me. The seasonings, you kind of can't go wrong with the tzatziki.

If you're getting it, it was fine. Uh, the red pepper hummus, the harissa hit me in the, her dick. Uh, it was a lot. I, uh, I, I usually like to pander to the travel audiences when I travel with these two gentlemen, but tonight I must not cheat you. And I have to be honest, I'm going to give this cover. Two forks. Wow.

Two forks. Wow. Very harsh. Uh, but, but truthful. Uh, Jubal Bowie. So lunch is a useless meal. It's first, the most important point. Sound and fury signify nothing.

So if a lunch is a useless meal, what is lunch for? Lunch is for getting as much energy and protein and nutrients into your body in the most palatable way possible in like a 30 minute span. And by that, by that measure, Kava succeeds. So it, I, I like Mediterranean food. So Kava for me gets three and a half forks, three forks because it does what it's supposed to do and a half fork because I kind of love those meatballs. Very fair.

Wow. Wait a second. Wait a second. No, I'm just playing. I stick to my. Go ahead, Mitch. You know, Trump mentions draining the swamp. I know.

I agree. The thing that needs to be drained first and foremost is the big vat with that gazpacho in it. Fucking drain that thing. Put it down the drain. Never fucking allow that to be sold again in Kava. It sucks. Um, besides that, besides my Trump reference.

Sorry, everyone. Kava's. It's good. Like you were saying it's it's it. I like Mediterranean food. I think that I wish I had stronger hummus. I wish hummus. I wish I had stronger rice, but but it still just does the job and and and you want a healthy

lunch. If I if I had more time with this, I think I would maybe move it up into the four fork range. Wow, but I'm going to go three point seven five four. Wow. I like I liked it. I like not feeling guilty after eating a lunch and if it tastes reasonably good and then I'm happy about it.

I know you Mediterranean food. One of your favorite food. One of my favorites is but I got to say this just make a bowl option where it's the chicken fucking chicken tzatziki craziness or whatever. Thank you. Just do that so that people don't have to fucking. It was the most stressful thing watching. Why grow up there?

Yes. Give me some prefab options. I mean, I'm getting that prefab every time. No, no alterations exactly as it comes. That's what I'm doing. You like that? I like it. Brussels sprout more.

No. The exact proportions that came out in in the test kitchen. That's what I want. They need to do that. That more than almost any restaurant I've been to it was the most overwhelming. I had no idea what the fuck with the Frankenstein food I made it was so many decisions. You know what? I'm going to bump up to three forks.

Wow. Why? Because y'all are saying what you're saying right now and I found I'm a control freak with my food. I want to know exactly what I'm putting in. I don't want them to make it for me already because it might be something I don't like and then I just wasted a meal and I I found ordering from this menu was fine and I picked what I kind of wanted to eat.

Hold on a second though. Did you not find a hair in yours? Your bowl? No, I don't know if that was it was a it was red. I don't know if that was saffron. This Mediterranean food use saffron. Yeah. It does.

It was probably a saffron. Okay. It ripped fairly easy and it tasted fine. Got it. I will also say it's weird that there is a big container of hair in the way you can choose from all the protein options. Yeah, that's weird. I ordered for my drink a bottle of hair.

And I use the spoon to eat it. Yeah, it's a hair risk. So I think this place is is totally fine. I will say this in comparison to Ben's chili bowl, which I loved. I think if I lived in DC, if I had a job in DC, if I worked for a think tank or whatever, and I would go to Ben's chili bowl two or three times a year and I would probably go to Cova once a week. I think I would go all the time.

That said, did I like this meal as much as Ben's chili bowl? No, not at all. It's like this is a this was not fun. This was like Jebel was saying this was a this was a waste of a meal. This was a useless experience in terms of this was just a period to ingest some calories so I could later on do a bad show in front of a disappointed audience. And so but I think from that per that said, I think the product is pretty good. I think the service was great.

And I think that I think everything there was completely down the middle. And I know there's some cabas that are in the LA area now. There's some they've expanded some to SoCal. And that's where I'm from. I'm a classic SoCal server, dude. And God and let me have my cheap pops. It's all I got. And and so I like and I what I asked myself before I came here, much like I asked Carl

would like to be disappointed with this as a work lunch option. I would not. My answer is the opposite of his. And also the other question asked myself is what will I go to the LA chains after having it out here? And my answer is yes. And so I think for that reason that nudges it above three forks to three and a half forks. I'm giving a three and a half forks.

I want highest. This is very solid. Yeah, Mitch, you were very keen on it. Because you seem so down initially. You were just slamming the hummus. Yeah. I wasn't slamming the hummus. I know.

What the hell are you talking about? There were some left over. I'm only down because I was talking to you. I'm always having fun with Carl. We do have a good time. Yeah, you guys have fun. So you're going to eat this in LA. Yeah, I'll go back.

Okay. But like not. Honestly, there's better Mediterranean food in LA that I won't eat. Oh, wow. Yeah. There's a place we have out there called Carousel. Yes. And Carousel is a delicious Mediterranean restaurant that I am down to have every so often.

This is this doesn't even hold up to that. Yeah. There's close. There's a ton of great Mediterranean food in LA. But oftentimes it's in it's in neighborhoods different from where a Kava would be. So it's like it's it's like a but but I know which I to your point absolutely you can get some some better versions of what they offer. But oh, by the way, before we move on to our segment, quick shout out to Atlas Brewworks.

Again, supplying us with some fine brew dogs. I got myself the district common craft logger, which I'm very much enjoying. This is not branded content. The dough boys can't be bought, but I just want to say that last night on the bottom of a can, this is true. It said no peeking. Yes. It stamped it on the bottom.

It says it on mine. No peeking right there. What does this one say? Kava is bullshit. Wow. Guys, that was our review of Kava and Nick before we move on. We went. I went on to we went on tour with Carl.

One. So look, Carl used to wear this Los Angeles Dodgers hat used to and he let we were on tour with car. What was this? That was Hussville and Nashville. This was earlier this year. This is February. Yeah.

Yeah. It was February. He left his hat. I took it with him. Carl such a funny cool guy that I kept it in my house until now. Did not take care of it. Did not take care of it. It's covered with cat hair.

Hold on a second and pubes. The pubes are intentional at least. I held on this hat. I bring it on the road trip and I say, Carl, I got your hat. And he's like, I don't fucking want that. So about nine Dodger heads is that one. We were going to give this away to someone. Wow.

A Wally and Irma fur covered Carl Tartt Los Angeles Dodgers cap. Now, Mitch, we're in DC. Are you sure you want to give it to an audience member and not the Smithsonian? Y'all see how much I'm sweating up here. Imagine what's left over in that hat from February. I'm going to give it to someone who can name the name of Dave Matthews vineyard. Oh, don't yell it out. You fools.

Oh God, you said the answer. Ham. Oh, where's a hand? You got it. You got it. Wait a minute. This guy right here is wearing a Baltimore pinchy crab shirt. Is that?

Wow. Is that Jared? It's Jared. Wow. Jared, what is the name of the vineyard? No, you lost. Wow. You son of a bitch.

You let me down. Yes. We're here in the back. All right. You. Yeah. I heard you say I got it earlier. No.

That's it. In the very, in the very back, someone's been gesturing loudly. That was him. That was him. Who just said that? There's some ladies right here. This woman right here. Right here.

Yes. You're dreaming tree. Wow. Here. Pass it back. Thank you. Congratulations. I'm sorry.

All the Wally and Irma here is flying off of it. Because it goes through the audience. Deathly allergic cats. I won't be offended if that hat is in the trash outside of this vineyard. Guys, that was our review of Kava. It's time for a segment. We've got some snacks. What a show.

We're giving away old hats. Very exciting. We got some snacks from the UK. And to walk us through these, please welcome a staff writer for the New Republic, Libby Watson. Hello. Libby, your mic is right there. I'm just going to hand it over to you.

Here. Hi. Hi, Libby. Libby, thank you so much for being here. You're originally from the UK. You now live here in DC full time. My understanding. You're a big foodie and also a like Jamel, a big baker, but specifically to DC, there

is a barbecue food restaurant here, Federalist Pig, which you are a fan of. Yeah. Actually, such a big fan that I had it catered my wedding. Wow. Which was one year ago on Fridays. Wow. Congratulations. Very excited.

Legs, queen. Libby, did you go to the original DC, the Smoked House on North Capital? I did. I struggled to eat a sandwich on that tiny fucking strip of wood that they had. That's the part of the experience. Right. Right. But so what about Federalist Pig is so good and what do you get from there?

Jamel, hopefully you got chime in on this as well. I get the brisket there. I mean, to me, it's so good because just it matches up to the barbecue that I had in Austin. The salt lick, if anyone's been there. Wow. So good. It's really fatty and just tastes like it's going to kill you.

It will. It will. It will kill you. The Brussels sprouts are also amazing and they also somehow taste like they're going to kill you. Like they've definitely been fried in like lard or something, which is great. But yeah, I mean, it's just really authentic in a way. A lot of DC places, like if they serve barbecue, it's just like some toss that's been like

cooked in a slow cooker or, you know, for eight hours or whatever, just like horrible food looking pulled pork. And, you know, just for some reason DC even being in the south, it like just can't, can't produce good barbecue places. It's already been like, I don't know, three or four that have opened and closed in the time I've been here. So it just, I feel like I found my true home at Federalist Pig. Wow.

So a couple of things. Oh, no. Get her ass, Jamel. Get her ass. The first thing is DC isn't the south. I'm about to say, damn, y'all considered us the south? I don't, there's nowhere here where I feel vaguely unsafe. It's not the south.

They have a sandwich there. It's maybe it's like, it's like smoked turkey and like avocado and Texas toast. That shit is fucking incredible. That's my only take. I have a take as well. Oh, shit. The pulled pork that looks like cat food sounded good to me. I mean, get her ass, bitch.

Get her ass. I would say that's usually a safe bet. If you're at a bar that kind of sucks, you know, you get the pulled pork or whatever, and it's going to taste like food. Comes in a can even. You guys are just going to trick me to eating cat food. That's what's in the bag, actually. It's the only way I can get Wally and Irma to eat it.

But you, I mean, Libby, and you say that it looks like cat food as a cat owner. You guessed it on our podcast when we had Mayow, our month of cat related episodes. Oh, woos for Mayow. But your cat Digby is very cute and loves a lot of human food, it seems, or at least wants a lot of human food. Yeah, she wants, like, anything that I'm eating. She really loves bread, which I think is really disturbing. I feel like that's not what a cat should be eating.

But yeah, I mean, she'll eat anything. I was obviously going to bring her tonight, but I couldn't, because she was recording an episode of the Joe Rogan podcast. Wow, good for Digby. I know, it was a really big get for Joe Rogan, yeah. So you're going to take DMT? It wouldn't be different than any other night, honestly, if it did be. Well, let's get into the snacks that you brought us.

There are a lot of opinions. I feel like the thing I hear regarding food from British expats the most, and there are a lot of them in LA. I've worked with a lot of British people, is that American candy sucks compared to UK candy. There is a big, especially regarding chocolate. Yeah, definitely. I mean, I think some of the stuff that is called chocolate here is not even actually called chocolate.

It's called candy because it isn't legally allowed to be called chocolate or something. Wow, wow. Wow, indeed. To a Brit, like Hershey's, for example, kind of tastes a bit like vomit. Oh my God. I've heard that before. Yeah, and sort of this weird, waxy thing. Anyway, so I brought a few things.

It's kind of a UK-themed bag. Well, there's a red bus on it. There's a red bus on it, and that's why I chose it. Is that Boris Johnson? Okay, that's got to be the last time we mentioned him or I'm going. Yeah, so I was going to start you off with, not chocolate, but some things called Percy Pigs. Does anyone know what Percy Pigs? Oh, wow, fans.

We've got some Percy Pigs fans. Yeah, so they're made by Marks and Spencer's, which is a supermarket in Britain, affectionately known as Marks and Sparks. And it's just a kind of strange, fruity candy. I'm going to, like, do you want to open it? Yes, please. Mitch, I know this is not what you planned, but I think now is a good time to reveal your big movie role.

You will be playing Percy Pig in the adaptation. Motherfucker. I wish I could be Percy Pig. I know. Holy shit. These are actual, like, they're pigs. Yeah, so not only are they pigs, but there was some, I know. This guy's cute as hell.

He's so fucking cute. He's got little ears, yeah. So there was some controversy, I think, last year, maybe, because Percy Pigs used to be made with actual pork gelatin, which is so fucked up. I mean, you don't want to think about what's in candy, like, at all, let alone if you know that there is, like, pig foot in what you're eating. But they tasted fucking great, so who cares? But then, last year, they changed the recipe to make him vegetarian

because of the liberal PC agenda. Oh, boy. And no, genuinely, like, a bunch of Breitbart guys in England, like, got super mad about Mark's suspense as changing the fucking Percy Pig recipe. Wow. And it was, like, this whole culture wall kind of, like, you know, like the straws thing, that was, like, our version of that. I just got mad that Weiger put him into the audience.

Those are good as fuck. I definitely wanted another one. I was fucking mean-mugging these dudes in the crowd. Was he like, the fuck? Throw one at me, lady. No, you can pass the... Wow. Wow.

What the hell? I got it. I got it with one hand. What the fuck? No spell. What just happened? I don't know. Are you becoming cool?

I think because it was food, my motor skills kicked in. So, yeah, this is fucking great. This is so good. This is my third. Here you go. Back to the crowd. As... You know, I'm not a gummy guy.

I've said before that gummy isn't yummy, but I think this is pretty... That's insane. This is good. That's a bad take. I just don't like the texture of gummies. I don't like the gelatinous texture. Yeah, boo him. Boo his ass.

That's fine. Boo me. Boo me. That's fine. I love it. This reminds me... I don't even know what they are, but this reminds me of, like, those dinosaur gummies.

Yeah. From, like, when I was a kid. Right. I don't know what they're called, but, like, that's the exact... I just have a sudden sense memory of those dinosaur gummies. Mm-hmm. It's fucking amazing. Those have the texture...

That's the perfect gummy to me. One that you can really... I don't like a Haribo. I'm an Albanese. You don't like a Haribo? No, it's too tough. The Haribo is too tough. That's fun.

You work through them in here. That's fun. That's not fun. You shouldn't have to work for candy. Soft rice, soft gummies. I like soft... He likes his rice soft and his gummies hard. I like an Albanese.

Anybody know what that is? Yeah. That's what that reminds me. That's good. Yeah, I know. They're great. And I do actually think the recipe was better when it had pig in it. Oh, interesting.

Which is a shame, because I'd love to endorse the hippie-friendly veggie one, but these are still pretty good. Right. If anyone knows of a source of the original ones, hit me up. I'm going to be on the street trying to find that pig gummy. Do you need that pig gummy? I need the fucking pig gummy. What's next, Libby?

All right, so we've got the classic dairy milk. Hell yeah. But the good shit, the real shit. I brought this from England last week in my suitcase, which is why it's a little bit fucked up. So this is dairy milk with crunchy bits. Very exciting. I don't know if you know it.

Crunchy bitches. Crunchy bitch. Oh, boy. This fucking said crunchy bitch. Never mind. I'm just not going to say anything. I was going to say crunchy. Crunchy bits is a very English sounding thing, I was going to say.

It is. Yeah, I actually did notice on my last trip that there's this horrible trend in England for products and especially food stuff to be named in this really weird baby voice. I discovered a chocolate thing called scoffy bits, which isn't scoff meaning to eat fast. I think if you guys say scoff. Oh, you're saying scarf. I thought you meant scoff.

No, scoff. Like you're scoffing at something. Yeah, I guess you guys with your weird vowels have to change it. Like what? When you're scoffing at something, you're like, BAH! Scoff. Yeah, scoff.

Scoff, yeah. No, that's how we, that's, for us, that means to eat very fast. Got it, yeah. Yeah, it's a weird thing. But yeah, so crunchy bits have little bits of crunchy in them. Very exciting. I don't know if you guys have had a crunchy, those are good too. And well, I don't want to prejudice your review, but it's fucking great.

I'm very excited. Very excited, rather. Very exciting. I'm not very excited. I do like a Nestle's Crunch. I like a chocolate with a little bit of texture to it. I like like a Hershey's, the crispy one. So I'm excited to try this.

All right, here we go. And I will, here, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give this to Carl. And when you guys have had enough, then you can give it to the audience if you like. And you don't have to do that. No, when you give it to the audience, don't put it on us. I'm going to have another. This is good.

I've had the dairy milk before, I've had the category dairy milk before. And I like the texture of this crunch as, I think this is a delight. Would you like more before I throw it into the audience? No. Most likely. Most likely it's someone who has a chocolate allergy. Here you go. You think someone in the audience is a dog?

I have a chocolate allergy. Do you really? Yeah. Wait. A straight-up allergy, because I thought you just didn't like it. It's not going to kill me, but I don't like it because I grew up with an allergy. Oh, wow. That's crazy.

Yeah, it's crazy. I also brought some of the American shit in case you wanted to do a taste test, but I honestly wouldn't recommend it, because if you have this right after the other one, it's going to taste a little upsetting. However, the last thing I brought is truly disgusting. Wow. And only if you are brave enough do you have to eat it. I definitely wouldn't actually recommend eating it.

What I brought is marmite. Wow. Paddington's favorite. Doesn't Paddington love marmalade? He's a marmalade. That's marmalade. Yes. Good.

Oh, what is this one? So, you know... I'm really sorry to tell you this is going to taste nothing like marmalade. I was excited. Do you know of Vegemite? Yeah. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, so it's like our version of that horrible shit-like paste.

It also has the seal of Her Majesty the Queen on it, which means that the royal household has purchased it in the past. Oh, wow. So, I don't know what she's using it for. Queen Elizabeth is scoffing this down at some point? She's scoffing it. Yeah, she loves to scoff it, yeah. There's the presidential seal on like the McDonald's number two combo.

Man, it would suck. I'd see that so much. The Trump seal on my Big Mac box. So, after Brexit, that's like all you guys will have, right? Get her ass, Jamil. See? Oh! You produce it for a cracker?

I can smell it. It smells like beer and like pub floors, like your granddad kind of thing. Right. It's a yeast product. The ingredients are yeast extract, salt, vegetable juice, concentrate. Oh, fuck, that's so disgusting. I have never actually tried marmalade myself. Wow.

Yeah, yeah, so this is me. I'm riding into hell with you guys. You brought some rich crackers. Yeah, I figured we might want to, you can either like dip or spread or something. Should we get a butter knife out of the green one? I got, oh, I brought a knife, don't worry. Wow. Oh, it's a knife.

I'm gonna bow out. I dated a woman from New Zealand for a long time, and I've eaten my fair share of Vegemite. Okay. Wow. All right. Look at how brown this shit is. God, that looks fucking gross.

It's got like the texture of hot butterscotch. It looks like Nutella. Yeah, and the color of a hangover stool. Oh, come on. Very unpleasant. Come on. Some of us won't get to try it for God's sake. I'm gonna eat it.

I'll eat it. I'm a lady, Nick, all right? You can't say that stuff to me. Hot butterscotch. Yeah, I'm gonna fucking do it. You go first. Oh, I already broke the cracker. You got some of the texture.

The marmalade broke the cracker. That means it's fresh. All right, Mitch is spreading a little bit on his writs now. So you've never had this. What savory treats, what snacks from the UK do you like? That's a great question. I mean, we do have good crisps. Crisps?

Yes. What we call chips. Yes. Got it. Yes. Isn't it funny how we say things differently? It's so weird. Never get tired of that.

Right. What do y'all call this? This is a biscuit. Yeah, yeah, it's a biscuit. Putting on the writs, biscuit. Oh, that sucks. God. I want to try mine with Nick.

Oh, my God. Thank you. Okay, here we go. I'm gonna, let me do a little spread here. Do you have any tasting notes, Nick? It sounds. Oh, my God. Let me take a bite now.

Don't put a lot on, Nick. Oh, I slathered this on. Okay, here we go. I put it on like Nutella and I wish I hadn't. It tastes like concentrated. It tastes like fermented soy. That's truly what it tastes like, fermented soy. Get the fuck.

Not meant for human consumption. Does anybody use Bragg's brand, like Amino? Yes, I've used that before. Yeah. That is what this tastes like. I don't want to... I feel legitimately very sick. It's worse.

It's so much more salty. Oh, it is truly... People eat this by choice. Like, people genuinely choose to put this on their toast with butter. I think, in fact, even my mom does, who otherwise is great, will put marmite on stuff. This may sound offensive, but fuck Queen Elizabeth for ever eating that shit.

Wow. Woo! The aftertaste is so bad. It's really strong. I can't... It stays with you. It doesn't go... Will it go away?

I tell ya. I don't mind it. Oh, my God! That can't be true. Oh, you're so fucking gross. You fucking pervert. The Bragg's comparison is apt. It tastes like a gooey...

It tastes like... Yeah. No, send it out. You wanted stuff before you get the fucking... You have to eat it. We did. You gonna eat those pigs? You gonna eat that shit?

It tastes like soy sauce with the texture of caramel. I don't mind it. It is... But the thing is, Nick, like, legit, it is so much stronger than soy sauce. It's very strong. Very salty. Very aggressively salty, but I do like salt.

What is it called again? Marmite. Oh, marmite. So what does veggie might taste like? Is it like this too? It tastes about the same. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I know that it's...

I think it's, like, less translucent, which is really worrying. It's more spreadable. It's not as, like, syrupy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It does look a lot like caramel, but it plays a trick on your brain. My ex-girlfriend fucking loved the shit.

Wow. Okay, I'm giving my half-eaten crack away. You can tell me how many ants were marching in Dave's marathon. I'd say that that's the food equivalent of the Doe Boys podcast. Yeah, I mean, I think the first two are definite snacks. Both those first two are fantastic. And this one... I don't know.

I'm hesitant to call it a snack, but I hesitate to call it... I'll call it whack either. I feel like it's just, like, it's, like, fine. I'd say this is a... Swack. This is swag. No, it's swag.

It's fuck. I would stop listening to the show if you called it a snack. Throw my phone in the ocean. That was my mission with this tour. And your phone would come out tasting like this. Um... Yeah, I mean, I feel like the condensers are beyond that. Everyone liked the first two and hated the third one, right?

This is insane that you were so mean to this poor chocolate bar. It's a billion times better than that Magamite. No, you weren't... You weren't mean to that, though. You were mean to the American version of it, right? This is the American shit. Okay, let me try the American one, because... and it better be better.

We're gonna close it out with the American one as a palate cleanser. I lived in Europe for a year. Okay. And it was bullshit. USA! USA! Say...

Oh, my God. Take a hike. What are we doing? Carl today, we were in CVS and he was like, I dare you to put on those sunglasses. Take a selfie, entitle it. Take a knee, take a hike. And I was like, no!

USA! They were asking me... USA! Context for that, they were asking me what I wanted to come out... the song I wanted to come out doing. I was like, I want to come out to Hank Williams Jr. Are you ready for some football?

And I went to his Apple Music channel and his newest release is called Take a Knee, Take a Hike. And I was like this... Jesus. I mean, that's great. This chocolate is delicious. That's way... That is...

I mean, I didn't mind the Marmite, but that is way better than the Marmite. Guys, that was... I guess we'll call it snack-ar-key in the U.K.? That was our U.K. Excuse me! U.K. snack roundup. Just like a restaurant, we have our feedback.

Let's open up the feedback. We've got three audience questions. Emma and or Yu Song is going to be roaming through the audience to go to the people who have sent in questions. I'm not sure who they are, but Emma or whoever's out there, let us know who you're with.

All right, first, we have Joshua Hall. Josh Hall. Oh, right over here. Ooh, the red light. Are they giving us the layer? Are they trying to help us find? Yeah, they're saying, get the fuck out of here. Hey, guys.

How many days is too many days to be eating the same leftovers? Wow, great question. I got a two-day leftover deal. To more than two days, it's gone. Man, silence. What the fuck? I thought that was a good answer.

Is it still considered leftovers if it's meal prep? Great question. No, no, that's its own thing. That's its own category. I feel like it hasn't expired. It's fine. It depends on what it is. If the vegetables have all turned or something,

then throw it away, but I don't know. That's the most thing. The veggies could kill you with the gas that you eat. Right. I'm dead serious. No, for sure. You can't eat veggies after four or five days. If they're fresh...

Who's eating three-day leftovers? My one-year-old is eating three-day leftovers. Oh, man. Listen. Somebody called them. Call them on your mail. Listen, I gotta cook for this baby, and I'm not gonna cook for this baby every other day.

Right. So, he gets leftovers. The baby palate is not like a grown-up's palate. It's true. Who gives a shit? Give it whatever they want. Really, any old shit, yeah. Give him marmite, whatever.

God, no. Really call him if you give him marmite. That's like a supervillain origin story, isn't it? Is that what a joke movie's about? All right, let's hear the next question. All right, we got Jean-Luc Bouchard. Did I say that right? Jean-Luc Picard?

Bouchard, I think. Oh, Bouchard, sorry. Bouchard, yep. Thank you. Love you guys so much, Burger Brigade. So... Fuck you. No problem.

Okay, so, my family and I were wondering, is there any difference between a tortilla and a wrap that you would use for a wrap sandwich? Or is that two different things or the same thing? You're talking like a spinach wrap or tomato wrap that you'd get in lieu of like a traditional flour tortilla? I'm not doing a lettuce wrap. No.

Want to do a guest lettuce wrap? A guest lettuce wrap? Yes. I just want you to do the hard work for me. They don't want to hear me do that shit. All right. All right, bust a beat. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Yeah. A lettuce wrap. It's a lettuce wrap. Selling drugs right out of the trap. Yeah. Oh, check it. So, yeah, to a car you wash,

most of the wraps are like lavash, not tortilla shells. Don't go to heaven. Go to hell. Wow. Wow. Which is what I was going to say to the audience. Go to hell.

No, I assume that most wraps are like, they're not like tortilla shells. They're like lavish bread or lavash, whatever you want to call it. You will encounter the one that's got the tortilla texture. It's very thin, but it's got some sort of additive. And I think that's the difference. It's like, you know, an actual tortilla is like a whole week. Tortilla is like an invention for Americans or for white people

or specifically. And it's like, and I feel like that's the same thing with spinach or like the tomato ones that you'll get some places for wrap. It's just a little bit of a, I think that's the difference. It's like, would you get, if you went to a taqueria, would you get, and you ordered a burrito, do they have that? If they don't have that, then that's not, that's a, that's a wrap.

Like that's what, what they have at an actual taqueria would be tortillas. I mean, that would, that would be my take. But I don't know, they're fundamentally the same thing. Yeah, I agree with that. Yeah. I don't know. That was better lettuce wrap than I've ever done. It was very, very good.

No. It was extremely good. I want to hear more of these lettuce wraps in the trap. Yeah. Nick, you answered that perfectly. I have no, I have nothing to add to it. One, one more question from the audience. We got, who do we got?

Drew Martin. Hi, Drew. What's up, Drew? Hey guys. Thank you so much for being here. Just wanted to ask you guys, in the surround table question, what's your favorite moment that you've ever had in a restaurant? Oh, wow.

Look at that. Favorite moment you've ever had in a restaurant? Boy, there's a lot on that. Nick, you know, you and I, heard the Doughboy show got picked up and we went and celebrated at a restaurant together. This was our, we had a TV show that, boy, was that 2017? I guess so.

It was a couple of years ago now. And we were like, we're like, we got it like Netflix was like, we want this, we're ordering eight episodes. And we went out to celebrate. And we went out to celebrate at a restaurant. It was such a nice night. We had a great time. And then it all came tumbling down.

We had a fucking contract and it went away. I didn't know we could do that. We had a contract. That's Hollywood, baby. That's Hollywood. Holy weird, I call it. And yeah, I mean, that was actually, we had a lovely time.

I mean, it was a moment and looking back on it later, it was premature, but it was a lovely time. Boy, that is a great question. My mind went to a memory I have of, and you know, I've had wonderful, many wonderful, wonderful restaurant experiences with my lovely wife, Natalie. And they've all, but they've all kind of blended into one, like, you know, this is like this,

all these great meals we've had together. But I do, I do think specifically of being in El Churrito in San Diego on my 18th birthday with my parents. And they put a, they put a sombrero on me, probably problematic. And, but the restaurant staff did this and sang happy birthday to me, and I was like, I'm having the time of my life.

Carl, a favorite restaurant experience? It's hard to tell, but there used to be a pizza place, I'm from Mississippi, and there used to be a pizza place called Mr. Gatti's Pizza. And it was like a, it's like a show biz or a Chuck E. Cheese type arcade. Fun. And they used to have an apple pie pizza

that was really damn good. But that's not the favorite moment, I would say. To get sentimental, last time I went home to Mississippi earlier this year, my cousin's birthday, he wanted to eat sushi for lunch in Mississippi. And we went, we went to that, and my grandmother, who's like a matriarch of the family, she got to take a picture.

All of her sons, grandsons, and great-grandsons were there. And so it was like a great-grandson. No, she don't have an energy. But she got to take a picture with all of her sons and grandsons. And that was really nice, because she felt really good about that. So all of her sons and all of her sons, sons. That's amazing.

They're all men, and we're all named Carl. But yeah, that was a fun moment in the restaurant, just seeing her light up like, oh, I got all my boys here. Right. That's lovely. That was great. Jamel, anything come to mind, favorite restaurant experience? Just something a little funny.

For my year anniversary with my wife, we went to Blue Dock Tavern down the street from here. And on the menu, we had had a great meal. On the menu for dessert, they had like, you know, the usual desserts, and there's selection of ice creams. And my wife asked me how much ice cream do you think it's going to be? And I confidently said, oh, just like a, you know, one small scoop, three small scoops of ice cream.

This is a classy restaurant. They're not going to give you a ton. So she ordered the selection of ice creams, and I got some sort of crazy dessert. And they come back five minutes later with a literal bucket of ice cream. Two, like, no joke, two Ben and Jerry's containers worth of ice cream, and just plop it right in front of her. And she looks me dead in the eye and says, fuck you.

All right, Libby, and then we'll have Mitch finish up. Go ahead, Libby. Yeah, I mean, I guess, I don't know whether it was necessarily, well, okay, I can definitely say it was not the best meal because it was at Johnny Rockets. Hell yeah. And I've never eaten there since, but the first night that I was ever in America,

I came to visit Washington, D.C. with my mum. This was like three months after Barack Obama was inaugurated, and I believed in the power of hope and change, and was very excited to come to America and find out how wonderful it was. And I remember just stepping off the plane and being like, oh, this is where I'm supposed to live. This all makes sense now. And we were really tired.

We went to Johnny Rockets and had just like whatever, a bacon cheeseburger or whatever. And it was just a feeling of like, oh, I've found this place that makes sense to me and is wonderful. And then five years later or so, I realized, oh, wow, this place is not so great. But then I already lived here, so... Welcome.

Better go back to the U.K. where everything's hunky-dory. Trying to get another USA chick going. Take a knee, take a... Really feel like this is going to end with me being deported. Please end up with me. All right, Spoon Man, what do you say? You know, I could say some sentimental stuff about Bill O'Rose and Quincy with my family and my dad

or graduation at John Thomas Steakhouse on my graduation week. But, Nick, the greatest restaurant meal is always the next Doe Boys meal. Jesus Christ. What? I'm a little sweet boy. Before we wrap up,

U-Song, please come up here and show me what my fucking terrible team is. All right, U-Song's coming up to the stage. It's going to be bad. Is he close to the stage or is it going to take him in? He won't be. You know how fast he moves. All right, yeah.

Well, yeah, that's when he's scared, which is always. Emma's right there. Emma's brought your phone up. Oh, thank you, Emma. You want me to get it? Yes. No, I got it. I'm not going to be lazy.

Sorry. Make the woman do it. Oh, it's still. The draft is still going. What are you? Jesus Christ. What do you have so far? Do you have a QB yet?

Hold on. Let me see. Three minutes per pick is too long. Wait. Where can I see? Oh, here's the summary. Sorry, everyone. This is very bad.

Mitch. Here we go. Philip Rivers is my quarterback. Wow. All right, U-Song. That's fine. Camara is my running back. William from Kansas City is my running back.

Diggs ride receiver woods wide receiver from the chargers. Henry is my tight end. McCoy is my boy, but current you drafted a kicker already you song. It's not bad. That's a good kicker though. Chargers is my defense and then you got another tight end you song. Who I got Rudolph from Minnesota, which is good. Mattensen from the running back from Minnesota as well.

My team is bad. You song you fucked up again. No refunds. Wait, we got it. We got to do RPG draft then. Oh, yes. Yeah. So I picked Zidane.

Oh, Zidane. Yeah. That's a great one. Fuck. You're getting all the protagonists. I picked Donald Duck from the Disney one. Oh, from Kingdom Hearts. Yeah.

That's pretty good. Oh boy. Who am I going to pick? You know who I pick? A character you create in an RPG with a character creator. What? Boom. We're out of town.

I'm fucking leaving. I don't care. Yeah, we're leaving anyway. Fuck you. Guys, that's it for this episode. Jamel Bowie, Carl Clark, Remy Watson, you song and Emma. Until next time for the Yarders. Remember the Yarders' Moon?

I correct myself. Until next time for the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. I'm Nick Weiger. Happy eating. See ya. Thanks, guys. On the next Doe Boys Double, our Feast Coast tour takes us to Philadelphia where we dine at beloved convenience store chain, Wawa.

Is the city of brotherly love the city of brotherly yum? Find out Tuesday only at patreon.com slash Doe Boys.