Doughboys - Chipotle with Mike Hanford

Episode Date: June 25, 2015

The Doughboys welcome Birthday Boy Mike Hanford to break down Mexican fast-casual chain Chipotle.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

5,000 years before Christ, Mesoamerican tribes began cultivating chili peppers, using them for food, medicine, religious rituals, and even chemical warfare. Smoking was later employed as a preservation method, and the distinctively flavored smoked chilies became a staple of Latin cuisine. Fast forward to 1993 AD, when a culinary school graduate and line cook named Steve Ells opened a taqueria not far from the University of Denver, giving it the same name as the smoked-dried jalapeno pioneered by the Aztecs. Customers responded to the freshness of the ingredients and the ability to customize its

hulking burritos and carb-conscious bowls. By 2014, the single location had become 1,700 company-owned restaurants across North America and Europe. This week on Doughboys, guacamole is extra, because we're talking Chipotle. Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants. I'm Nick Weiger, alongside Mike Mitchell. Mitch, how are you this week? That's actually Spoonman.

Oh, I'm sorry, Spoonman. Yes, we established this in the last podcast. Your new nickname is Spoonman. That's right, Little Wags. I'm doing all right. Dude, I am not Little Wags. You can be Spoonman, but I am not Little Wags. I don't know.

We'll work on that. We'll talk about this off the air. Did you bring a little plastic spoon with you like you had last time? No, it's at home. Okay. Well, I feel like you're not really committing gimmick. Yeah, my name is fading pretty quickly. You're like if the big boss man just didn't show up in a police uniform, just came in

regular wrestling trucks. I guess I kind of look the closest to the big boss man of any wrestler. I'm doing all right. I never thought I'd hear about 5,000 years before Christ in Mesoamerican shit on a Chipotle episode, but I'm happy I did. I'm very tired today. Why is that? I watched Jurassic Park till like 5.30 in the morning last night.

You're tired because you watched a movie that's been out for 20 years on video. I truly cried. I already told you this, but I was tearing up when I see the dinosaurs for the first time. It's shot up. I think it might be my favorite movie. Jurassic Park's really good. We're recording this prior to Jurassic World coming out.

What do you feel about Jurassic World? I'm excited for it. I want it to be good, and that's kind of how I feel about every movie. I want it to be good, and then I'm sad, but it could be good. When I first saw the commercial for it, I kind of thought it didn't look great, and now I'm kind of like I have high hopes now. I turned myself around and I'm excited. How about you?

I'm pretty pumped. I feel like, for me, I like Jurassic Park 2, I like Jurassic Park 3. I know they're kind of stupid compared to the first one, which is like a classic, like great film, and the other two are kind of like, oh, these are dumb movies, but they've got dinosaurs, and I just like seeing the dinosaurs, and I like just sort of that action element of people interacting with genetically engineered dinos. That's just a cool premise for me. I agree, and dinosaurs are a big part of my growing up, but I got to say the thing about

this movie, and a thing that I'll probably talk about a lot on Doe Boys as time goes on, is that I like practical effects. I liked that Stan Winston's team made animatronic dinosaurs. Wait, you anticipate talking about this a lot on Doe Boys? Probably even talk about this specifically way more. I like animatronics, and this is the first one, that Jurassic Park movie that doesn't have any animatronics, it's all CG stuff. Interesting.

You know, I've been rewatching the Star Wars prequels. I've rewatched episode one and episode two so far this week, and I was interested to learn that they use a lot of practical effects on those. Those films got derided for like, ah, it's just all this clean CG. It doesn't retain kind of the model heavy look of its predecessors of the original trilogy, but they're pretty practical effect heavy too, apparently. Oh, really? Yeah.

But when Yoda fights Count Dooku, that's all practical. Yeah, that's all real. Let's introduce our guest. We are very excited to have him here today, from the birthday boys, from Comedy Bang Bang, a good friend, Mike Hanford, Mike Booker, the show. Hello, guys. Hi. I thought perhaps I wandered into the wrong podcast.

Oh boy. A lot of CGI talk, I know movie reviews. We can't talk about dinos on a food podcast? You tell me, you're the host. I don't know. I feel like anything goes. We've sort of ended up in a situation where we'll go on tangents. I mean, that's the nature of a podcast, right?

Oh, yeah. I love it. I'm just kidding. Oh, boy. I like to kid around. Thanks a lot. Well, we tried to do something new, and Hanford shuts us down. Also, I have to say that I haven't seen Hanford since they called Cut on the last

take of birthday boy season two. I was in the changing room, and Mitch left. I was getting out of my costume, he left, we just hadn't bumped into each other. Other than the car ride here where we ate Chipotle last weekend, pretty much every day since. Yeah. Here's a question I have about the birthday boys, and as it pertains to food, which is Oh boy.

This is a little factoid, I think, some people who maybe watch their IFC show may not know is you guys, five of the seven members of the birthday boys from the TV show for a time lived in the same house, the Fredonia house. So with the five of you, and that does not include Mitch, Mitch was off on his own, but the five of you who were there, how did that, what was the food dynamic like in that house? We had different ideas of what a dinner meal could be. Some people, a guy like Ferguson would be going to Subway right before coming home. I was a meal making guy.

Oh, sure. You could cook yourself. Food. Mitch knows about my cooking habits. Yes, actually, I'm glad we got into this. I was going to get into this later on, but I hope this doesn't embarrass you. I'm sorry. I'm going to say it.

I've seen my Canford bite into undercooked chicken at least five times in my life. If not more, I would say like he's made up a chicken meal. He sits down at the table and he bites into it and then he's like, oh, and you look and either he realizes or I'm like, dude, that chicken is like pink and undercooked and it happened quite a bit. It's impossible. It's an impossible food to cook. Everyone knows that.

I have been, I'll tell you what, Mitch, I've been having some really good luck with chicken lately, real slow baked, I mean, two, three hours in the oven chicken. Well, after a decade with cooking chicken and the George Foreman grill, he should have. And I never got sick from it. Actually, you know what's funny? The first time I had Chipotle, I thought I got food poisoning from it. Really? Yep.

Do you remember what you got? Yep. No, I don't remember. I was a burrito of some sort, but it was about 10 years ago and we were out here for the program through school. Okay. First time I'd had it. And it was fine.

It was good. And we went home and later that night, I cooked a raw steak and ate a raw steak. What do you mean you cooked an ate a raw steak? I just didn't. Hold on. Let me start from where I got the steak. I got it from the bargain bin at Vaughn's. Okay.

It was a gray steak. Cooked it poorly, didn't cook it all the way through, got sick from it and then half jokingly blamed the Chipotle. He blamed Chipotle. Yeah. Not the fact that I did not know how to cook a steak. It's not impossible because one thing I've learned about food poisoning is that a lot of times people blame undercooked meat for their sickness when it's just as likely to

be underwashed produce. So it could be that handful of fresh lettuce that got thrown into your Chipotle burrito if that was underwashed or if the person wasn't wearing a glove for some reason and had a dirty hand. I mean that could have sickened your taste. I like that theory rather than the gray already opened meat for just for under a dollar. That's why I never eat produce. I stick to the meat.

Play it safe. Let's get into Chipotle. That was your first experience. It doesn't sound like maybe a good one, but you can continue to eat there nowadays, correct? Oh yeah. I eat there. I actually eat there quite a bit. Where I work, we get that for lunch a lot.

Sure. Yeah. Well, when we used to work together at Comedy Bang, Bang, we worked together a few times, and that would be, yeah, I feel like that would be a weekly or bi-weekly treat as they'd get that Chipotle lunch order. That's right. This week, actually. Okay, so let's, I think Chipotle is a place where people eat often enough where they kind

of settle into, this is my go-to order. Not necessarily, oh, this is my favorite thing to get, but this is like the thing I will consistently get. What would you say it is for you guys? Breedable. Breedable. Always. Yeah.

Any particular meat or any sort? Either the steak or chicken. Okay. And then we're talking, we're talking salsa, sour cream, cheese, or what do you call it there? Yeah, cheese, guac, sour cream. Usually the pico de gallo with a hot sauce on the side and rice black beans. Oh, you get some of the spicy red sauce on the side.

If I remember you. Okay, all right. What about yourself, Mitch? Huh, my dream Chipotle. It doesn't have to be your dream order, just what you'd normally get. Wow. Anything I wanted Chipotle. What I usually get is a burrito with white rice, black beans, chicken, and then I will

do sour cream and cheese, and then I will do the tomato salsa, and then I will also do the green chili salsa. The medium salsa, yeah. Yeah, the medium salsa, and I'll try to get an extra side of that green chili salsa, and then I'll do a bag of chips and guacamole, so then I can dip into the green chili salsa and the guac, and also use the green chili salsa on my burrito. I'll say also one consistent thing with me is every time I'm there I ask, can you just put ketchup on this one, please?

I'll never do it. Sir, we don't have ketchup. So he brings his own bottle of ketchup now. Yeah, fair enough. For me, I'm a bowl guy too. I actually don't like the bowls as much as a burrito. I was texting a friend of the podcast, Evan Susser, earlier, and we have kind of the same feeling, which is that I would rather get a burrito, but I get a bowl for what I consider

to be health reasons of like, you know, the burritos is, I feel like, clearly better, at least for me, but a burrito, I'm like, well, I don't have the carbs that I'm going to get from this flour tortilla. It's basically what you would have inside the burrito in sort of this mushy, bolly thing, and I'll usually get a barbacoa as my meat, cheese and sour cream. I add fajita veggies, which is a nice little Chipotle hack. You can add fajita veggies or anything. I'll get a little added lettuce, pinto beans, no rice, generally, and I will add guacamole.

And I've also heard that if you get guacamole on the side, it's the same price, but you'll usually get a little bit more of it. So sometimes I'll ask for guacamole on the side just for that little extra bit of value. Yeah, to me, I like their guacamole a lot, but it just always kind of overpowers. I think especially because it's extra, I want to lay it on there, and to me, it can just overpower everything else that's in that burrito. Well, the burrito that I got with Mitch last, I got a burrito, a full-up, straight-up burrito last weekend.

What was it? The quesarito burrito? Yes. Well, should we go into it? I don't know. This is a block story. Guys, we can absolutely do it. We can do whatever we want on the show as you've found out from the Dino Talk.

Let's talk about Stan Winston a little bit more. Your thoughts, Mitch. Do you want me to talk about Stan Winston? Sure. I love the guy. He's great. I'm sad he's passed away. Movies need people like that.

They need practical effects. You need to feel in the world, Nick. Jesus Christ. I'm here to talk about guacamole. I was very unsure what's going on. So yeah, so it sounded like you were talking about one of the items that's on the Chipotle secret menu, as a lot of fast food places do. I feel like In-N-Out is the most famous one, the regional California hamburger chain that's

got a secret menu, but Chipotle has a secret menu of its own. And what was the item you got? I would have quesarito there, Mitch, this we got. Yes. Hanford and I both got the quesarito this week. I know why they keep it off the menu, because it is not worth mentioning. Explain what the quesarito is, exactly. It's a fucking, what was this thing?

So I got my normal chicken white rice and black beans, tomato salsa, green salsa, cheese and sour cream. And then we asked for the quesarito, and they, first of all, actually, I will say that they handled it well, because the entire time... The employee who's beginning paid to give us what we ordered, yeah, he handled it well. Hanford was really giving me a hard time, because I was scared to order one. Like, this is... The first time I ever heard about a quesarito was from Chipotle, like that.

Can we real quick just clarify what a quesarito is? Yes, a quesarito is a quesadilla wrapped around a burrito, a cheese quesadilla that is then wrapped around a burrito. So in place of the normal flour tortilla, it's a quesadilla. Yeah, they like took a tortilla and then put cheese on it, melted it, and then wrapped. That's right. You can get a... Here's the deal.

You can get a double tortilla quesarito, which is they actually, I think, make like an actual quesadilla and then wrap it around the burrito. But we just asked for a quesarito, and I didn't realize this, but they just put the cheese on, melted the cheese, and then kind of built us our burrito. So it had melted cheese in kind of a cooked tortilla shell. But it wasn't an actual... There was no other side to the quesadilla that makes sense. And so I was very nervous about this the entire time I was sweating and had anxiety, which

is common, and then Hanford was like, stop being such a coward, and it was like, it was going to be fine. But I didn't want to hold up the line because here's the thing about Chipotle, it's always... There's always people in there. It's like what McDonald's is. Well, we moved through pretty quickly. They moved along fast. They're an hour and a half, two hours.

It's kind of like a Disneyland experience where, okay, you see however long a line is at Disneyland. There's always going to be people at a line at Disneyland, but even if there's a bunch of people, it moves pretty fast. They've kind of just figured the system out. Yeah, and there's like animatronic burritos doing scenes as you go along. And their famous character, Mickey Mouse, was there. So we got to the front and the guy was like, we're like, quesadilla, and he was like, okay,

you guys are going to go over there, and then we kind of had to go stand in the little spot away from the line. And then when the... And he yelled out, two quesadillas, which is kind of embarrassing. And another staff member came and she put the two tortillas on the thing, steamed them up, and then I would say, what, probably three minutes or so? Oh, if that. If that, yeah.

And then we... And then he said, all right, you're ready. And we went back in line, apologized to the man that we kind of cut in front of. Well, hold on. Did we both apologize? I apologize to the man. And then... I'll say it is a strange thing to be out of line and then walk back in the line in front

of other customers and be like, sorry. That is a thing of, even if you have every right to jump in front of, you're just conditioned to say, when you step in front of someone in line, hey, man, this is, sorry about that. He was cool with it. He was a good guy. And he fought Hanford and I afterwards in the parking lot. Yeah, beat us to a pulp. I wish we had this on video.

I'm in attraction. And I gave Hanford both of them out even though he didn't eat it. And then... Well, that was before we met these guys. Oh, before we even got into the place, Mitch's hat blew off on the sidewalk. That was a lot of fun for me. That was great. Yeah, we were walking down a vine.

We went to the Chipotle vine and a big gust of wind came and like a 1930s feature film, my hat flew off and I chased it. And it was met with a big whoa and from Mitch and me. It was, yeah, it was, yeah, it really blew off my head. It completely blew off my head and I chased it into a construction site and went up on a beam and yeah, no, it really just, it blew off. It never happened to me before. I was really shocked.

And this was just a cap. He was like, Nick, could you imagine if this was a bowler hat? I mean, this thing would have gone miles and miles. I lost a hat at Six Flags Magic Mountain. I was on a, I was on a water ride and I was wearing a hat. I had gotten at my senior night in high school, which was for whatever reason, they had these years old hats commemorating the Tyson versus McNeely boxing match, which is like a giveaway. Yeah, I guess they probably got them on surplus for like 50 cents a pop and that was the fight.

That was Tyson's first fight out of prison against Peter, the Irish Hurricane McNeely. We knocked him out in the first round. But yeah, I was going down this ride and this hat I love just blew off and I never saw it again. You never saw it again? No, it was just gone. I mean, it was on a water ride. It would soon be replaced with a mortarboard though.

Yeah. You continued to wear it to this day. All right, well, this cartoonish incident that had precluded your visit, what happened to the case of Rideau? It sorry it derailed us. We got back in line, we got all the fixings in the case of Rideau and they had a good system for it. It went out with a hitch.

They're used to it by now, I guess. But I will say I agree with Hanford if we're going to get into the meals. It was kind of like it was good because I think Chipotle is good. The case of Rideau part, the case of the part was unnecessary. It was unnecessary. Also, here's another thing, I realize that I just like the soft, hot tortilla of Chipotle. I don't like it crispy. Yeah, because if they're putting, I imagine they're putting in that little flat top pancake

seamer they've got and they're putting it just with cheese on one side, you're saying? Yes. And it's kind of grilled. It kind of comes out grilled or something. So you're ending up with like a much crunchier sort of toasted tortilla in addition to the extra cheese. Okay. That was kind of like a, just what's the word I'm looking for?

The mouthfeel? The mouthfeel and texture of it were not as appealing as just the regular soft tortilla, which I love at Chipotle. I had a big day of mouthfeels at the dentist the other day. I'm not lying. I did. I went to the dentist for the first time in a decade the other day. What was that like?

Actually I had a dental experience the same week. I think the day after you went, I went to the dentist, but mine I go pretty frequently. So what was your decade long hiatus return to the dentist like? I had two fillings. Dr. Tunze was very sensitive and nice because I told him I was scared the entire time and he said, grow up, you're a grown man. And this is pathetic. How do you think I feel?

I have no idea what's in there. I hope there's at least a tongue left. And he looked in and he said, actually at one point he really did say this. He was like, areas that looked like they had cavities didn't actually have them. Your teeth just have this certain color to them. And I was like, okay. God. But he actually, no, hold on.

I was kind of belittling myself a little bit. He said that it wasn't too bad. I needed two fillings, which I actually, so the last time I went to the dentist, it seemed kind of like the spot that was, they were trying to rip me off and they were trying to sell me on Invisalign the entire time and at that point they told me I needed two fillings. So they're probably the same two fillings that I never got filled. Invisalign is straight and your teeth are already straight. Yeah.

That's a scam. That's a money move. Yeah. It was a scam place. And so, yeah, they gave me a teeth cleaning, which I don't like that. I don't like dentists. I don't like the little hook in your mouth. I don't like scraping and stuff like that.

I go crazy when someone bites their fork at a meal. I hate that sound when someone bites down. I actually like, gets me sick thinking about it, like when they pull it out of their mouth after they bite down on it. So I hate like, metal on teeth and I, it was not a good experience, but I was happy to hear that my teeth were healthy and there was, but there was also so much blood. Oh, God. There was a ton of blood.

There were like a bunch of, I saw Leslie Nielsen floating outside the window at one point. You mean because of the, because he was in the film Dracula dead and loving it, the Mel Brooks film? That's why Leslie Nielsen was floating inside a sea of mouth blood out of your dead. Known most for his portrayal of a Dracula character. What a fucking giant leaf. Um, come on, Nick. Wow.

I wanna, I'll go with you. I'll go with you. Um, yeah, I have a thing where my teeth stain easily and I just get really bad staining and so I've kind of had to reconfigure my, my beverage consumption habits just because of my dental problems. So like I have to, if I have any sort of like an iced coffee at iced tea, I drink through a straw for a time. I was drinking hot coffee through a straw and that was just too much.

I was like, fuck this, I'll deal with that. But I have to like, I can't drink red wine anymore. I drink, when I do drink hot coffee after I finish a cup, I have to go rinse out my mouth right afterwards. It kind of like just is a kind of crappy thing to have to be dealing with all the time. Because of staining? Yeah. Basically my teeth kind of, my dentist thought I was a two pack a day smoker because my teeth

just get like super brown from any sort of, they're just suit that I, there's something wrong with the enamel and they're just very sensitive to liquid. So any sort of darker liquid, it just, just adheres to it and stains it. And so I've been dealing with that for years. Hey, you gave me a hard time when I said my teeth had some gray color to them. Yeah, that's the, the, the, the dental assistant there was, was telling me she was, she was giving me a whole spiel about the, the straw thing. And if you drink soda to, to just like gargle water, like to like rinse your mouth with

water after you're done with it. And then she also talked about how some teeth are just a, it's a genetic thing, you know, some people got strong teeth. They can bite through steel. It is funny to think of a medical professional to be like figuring out ways to avoid, like we still want you to get the soda in your body. We want this poison to get in you, but how can we do without soda? Oh no.

The better answer would be don't drink soda. She also said that and I said, no dice. No dice. You fucking asshole. Oh my God. Through the dental quit in the side. Um, yeah. Very nice.

Dr. Tunze. Check him out. Uh, transitioning from tooth talk back to Chipotle. So I went, I went recently and... To tortilla? Yeah, you can say that. I will. Um, I also got something off of their secret menu, which is not the case, the quesarito,

but you can get a quesadilla there. And that's actually not too much of a, an encumbrance for them. They're, they can make the quesadilla pretty easily. So don't feel too guilty. It's on the kids menu. It's on the kids menu. So it's already there. So you can just order an adult size large cheese quesadilla or if you want some sort

of protein in there, you can ask for a protein in there and they'll, they'll grill it right up for you. Oh, what a saint you are. You got the... I tried to repeatedly prove how I'm better than you at this point. Um, so I got the large cheese quesadilla. I also got, and this is a very unusual, I feel like Chipotle order. I feel like everyone's getting, uh, they're, they're getting the bowls, they're getting

the burritos. They're sometimes getting the salads. I very rarely hear people talking about the tacos, but you can get tacos there. You can get soft or crispy shell. And I got three crispy tacos, uh, with a barbacoa, medium salsa, cheese, sour cream, and lettuce. Um, I will note that I got a very asymmetrical taco shell with one of these. I'll put a, we'll put a post, uh, picture of it up on the Doe Boys Twitter, but it

was really like, like it was like, uh, uh, you know, one of those skateboard ramps that's like on two different sizes that's like a quarter pipe on one size and a half pipe on the other. Yeah, man. Get out of here. Get out of here. Yeah. Kind of like a ski jump.

That's what was kind of the shape of it. And it just really, uh, didn't handle, uh, the contents very well. Uh, Cider guac, like I mentioned, and a cup of water. And the crispy tacos are pretty good. I will say that they don't hold up well. Like they very quickly, maybe it was just the choice of meat I got, uh, but very quickly they got soaked through and they were falling apart in my hand and I basically had, you know, two different halves of, of a taco shell that I had to keep together in order to eat

them. Yeah. Hanford got a couple of tacos too. Barbacoa. I think I got a barbacoa and sofritas. Did you get, uh, did you get, and sofritas is the new tofu option, which is available at some different locations. Yeah.

I wanted to see what that was all about. And it was good. It tasted just kind of like, uh, sort of burnt, burnt not in a bad way, but crispy meat. And maybe I had a ton of hot sauce on it. So it's whatever just tasted like hot sauce. Yeah. I think that's a, it's pretty good. I've added a couple of times.

Yeah. I had a bite of Hanford's too. And I, I, it was the first, one of the first things that was like all soy or whatever that I was like, this tastes like me. I don't know like what the, I wouldn't know if I ate it, but it, it was a blind taste test and they were like, this is all soy, I wouldn't, I wouldn't think it. Is that healthier for you is the thing I was thinking like, is that, or is it just for people who don't eat meat, I guess?

I honestly don't know. I think the journey might be out on that. There's all sorts of bend back, you know, in the nineties, everyone was talking about how like fats are bad for you. Saturated fats stay away from it. Now they're kind of the pendulums kind of swung the other direction. Now they're saying like, I eat as much fat as you want. Carbs are the problem.

Yes. Yeah. So I don't know what the issue is. So Frieda's versus chicken one, whether one's healthier or the other, I would say it probably on balance, it's a push. It's more like the other stuff you're going to be getting with your protein at Chipotle that's going to turn its health levels. That's our cream and the cheese, baby.

Yeah, I'll say this. When I got my quesarito, I wanted a steak quesarito, but they were running out of steak and so we started putting chicken. He said, I'll just, I'll mix it. It'll be steak and chicken, but I'll charge you for a chicken. Okay. I thought that was nice. Yeah, that's fine.

I would have been grossed out by that. I don't like mixing chicken and steak. That grosses you out? Yeah. Disgusting. I'm disgusted by it. I used to have a weird psychological thing where I couldn't eat chicken and eggs together, which is not, I'm not Jewish, but I guess that's a kosher thing.

But for me, it was just psychologically of like, oh, this is weird that the eggs are like, I don't even know what they are exactly, but chicken embryos or something, whatever they are. I was like, oh, baby chicken is mixed together with adult chicken meat. It felt like I was eating this, like a mom and it's baby together and I couldn't do it. Now it doesn't bother me. But that's a misconception. An egg is not a dead chicken.

It's not necessarily fertilized. It's not necessarily fertilized. Okay. Yeah. But I know I had the same thought one day. It's like, what are we eating here? It's just protein. I never had this issue.

But I don't like chicken and eggs together. I just don't like it. Yeah, like a chicken omelet is an odd. Yeah. I know what you mean psychologically. It's like this. I don't even like a steak omelet or something. I don't really like.

Maybe like minced beef. I like it. All right. Chopped up beef or something. But I don't even that. What's your guys go to omelet? What would you say? Let's start with you, Hanford.

Give me a minute. Give me 20 minutes. Raw chicken. Raw chicken and a burrito. No, I would probably ham and cheese and mushrooms. I like mushrooms in there. Okay. Great.

Ham, cheese or bacon cheese and bacon. And onions. Oh, onion. Okay. Mm-hmm. You know what I go with a lot is turkey, but I wouldn't say turkey is my go-to. I would still say probably ham is my protein, onions, and some sort of cheese, maybe jack. And maybe kind of a modified Denver, maybe some green bell peppers.

A thing with an omelet is I don't want like a taco, an egg taco with cheese in the middle. I want it to be a thing where it's an enclosed omelet and then you cut into it and then there's cheese that flows out of it. Yeah. So many omelets I get out here are just, I'm like, that's not an omelet. It's like an egg fold over or something like that. No. The ingredients aren't really integrated into the egg base.

It's just sort of like, yeah, exactly what you're saying. It's like kind of an egg tortilla. You know, one of the best omelets I've ever had in my life, oddly, was at a bunch of Disney lads earlier for my niece's birthday party a couple years ago. She wanted to have a Disney character brunch, which is you go and they have this whole brunch set up, breakfast, standard breakfast brunch set up. Brunch buffet, I should rather say, sort of a brunch buffet set up. And then people in character costume performers come around.

So like Mickey will come by your table, like Merlin or whoever, like all of them. Like we were at that once. Yeah, we did that together. We did. Chip and Dale were, what's the word, bothering us while you were eating? Well, you guys, you guys, when is a duo to adult men? Yeah, wait a whole year. Come on, hold on a second.

That's not fair. We visited tables like characters. For the birthday boys. No, we were there with a group of people. Yeah. Yeah. That was a great brunch. You crying about your hat the whole time?

No, this was years after the Six Flags is it. But the omelet there was really good. The guy like made a really, did a really nice flip and then it was, when he threw the ingredients in it was just right. Like the eggs were a little runny still and they got sort of folded into it and a great cheese to it. Yeah. It was really, really, I was really like surprised.

I was just like, oh, this doesn't just be some bullshit, but it was very, very tasty. Well, speaking of, we kind of got into a little health thing and then also a little bit of a place that has lines, I was, I'm just amazed by Chipotle. To me, we went at Sunday at one, so I guess that is a busy time, but I was just amazed by how many people were there getting it and just everyone. And also, it just is, it's this century's McDonald's. What they owned by McDonald's? They were, I think that McDonald's bought them at one point and then Chipotle bought

themselves out of McDonald's, right? Yeah, my understanding is there was some sort of agreement that was divested, I believe is the right term, whatever. But yeah, they had some sort of affiliation with McDonald's at some point and it no longer exists. That was my little fun fact with Chipotle is I, you know, somebody, you know, that's owned by McDonald's and put a little shitting grin on it. For a fact that you don't even really know that well.

Right. And really to say, he's with a hard stance on it. Well, I feel like you can't, like, I almost feel like it's cheap because you can't make yourself be like a bigger hero than be like, McDonald's bought us up, but we borrow way back out of McDonald's, like that terrible corporate place and I'm like, I don't care, like who cares? Yeah, yeah. But I do think that there are huge, huge plus sides that I should care about, like I think

the organic food and the way they treat their chickens and all that was maybe a factor, I'm not sure. I'm referring to the live chickens behind the counter that were taking it hard. But yeah, that place is, it's like a healthier version of McDonald's now. There's people in there all the time and for me, I, it wasn't a place I loved immediately. The first time I tried it, because people, when I, I think the first time I tried it was actually out here and people were, as they say, gaga-goo-goo and I was like, what's the big deal?

I didn't really love it. And then as time went on, it doesn't wow you, it's like, and it never really does wow me, but there are people who are diehard Chipotle people that were probably upset. But as time went on, I was like, oh, okay, like, if I get this chicken burrito with white rice and black beans and all the stuff that I said that I liked, then I really like it. And especially like, I grew to love their white rice, I grew to love the texture of the burrito and stuff like that. And now it's just the sort of thing of when I'm craving Chipotle, I get it.

But when we were up at the birthday boy's house, we went to Piquito Moss all the time and I prefer Piquito Moss way more than Chipotle. Well, Piquito Moss is that I think that's just an LA thing. It's a, it is, it is just an LA thing. And I'm sorry to give that comparison, but, but like a Piquito Moss is leagues better to me than. But here's what I'll say, and I was talking to you Mitch about this when we were eating at Chipotle, Piquito Moss, we'll just use as an example, is a chain, but it has some

personality to it. Yeah. But Chipotle is you walk in, you're in line, it's like brushed steel and wood aesthetic and it's so impersonal like at one point, the guy was cleaning off the foil that he spilled some salsa on the foil that he was wrapping my burrito in and he like cleaned it off. And I know that I was like, don't worry about the foil doesn't need to be clean. I'm just going to tear it open and make a mess of it. I thought that guy was doing you a nice favor.

Well, that's what I just, yeah, fine, it's nice that there was no salsa, but it's just like, it's very robotic back there. I agree. If you were like, you seemed really mad at a guy for like being conscientious at his job. Yeah. I was a little slobby. Well, you know, Mitchell tests this.

I grabbed him by the lapels of his coat and said, if I wanted clean foil, I'd go to the fucking grocer. And then he dunked him in the beans. Yeah. I think Hanford's right. It has that Mac commercial, which is just 1984, I guess, like where they're all marching into, like, it's just this cold factory line, even McDonald's has more personality to me or something.

You feel like, hey, I can build my own burrito, but it's like with those, I don't know, it just. With those items and like these cold steel benches, it is kind of a weird aesthetic they got going on over there, right? Yeah, it is. It feels a little sterile. That's it. Yes.

I mean, I guess that's that must be intentional. They're successful for a reason. So they must be they must be a little bit calculated where I don't know what it is. Well, this corporation, you know how to make money. Sorry to all your minds, guys. It is one of those things that I had to I had to grow to like it. And then I love the rice. And if you're in the mood for it, it's great.

But for a while, I liked Baja Fresh even more than than Chipotle, like like every other burrito option, I liked more. And yeah, that's changed now. Well, I remember Baja Fresh and I don't know if Baja Fresh is national, but it is at least a little bit a little bit more expanded or more expansive than Poquito Moss, which I feel like is just located in LA County. But I remember when Baja Fresh was kind of the upstart and it got purchased by Wendy's and now Chipotle has just completely decimated Baja Fresh.

We go into Baja Fresh. It's just depressing. And that's a little on the other end of the spectrum. That is pretty gross in there. Yeah, I saw some stains everywhere. Oh, yeah, mostly on my shirt. A few years ago, like Baja Fresh started adding like a way to customize their burritos, but they didn't.

They still don't have like the station where you can order. So you had like a pad of paper that you had to like check things off of. It was just so sad. And they don't do a burrito bowl. I don't think they do do some version of a burrito bowl. I think it's I think it might be called. It might just be called a burrito bowl. But yeah, they do some version of it.

But yeah, I just I don't know. I still am OK with Baja Fresh. I'll eat there sometimes. But yes, it's been it's been usurped. It's gone into a decline to the last decade. It's just really hit some hard times. But I will say here's another. I know that we should probably start wrapping up Chipotle talk.

But the or maybe not. I don't know. I know where we're on the time. I think we're OK. All right, I was going to say this. Also, the big part of our podcast is talking about the time we have left. Um, but, uh, so one of the big things with Chipotle is that you're you're picking your ingredients, but this can make it a good or a bad Chipotle meal.

The unevenness of the ingredients you get if you get too much. If you get too little, I get I'll get white rice. And then sometimes they'll throw in too much white rice, even though I love it. But then I think it's like the lime white white rice. By the way, the same thing with the guacamole. It was humongous amount of guacamole. That's the seed in that wiping that off the burrito, not the foil with my order. I got too little chicken and not enough.

I'm sorry. Yeah, too little chicken and too much tomato salsa. Well, that's why I like the burrito bowl, because you can kind of with your fork customize each bite. Oh, my God. Well, I love eating. I love eating, uh, mashes of food. Mitch again, knows this about me.

I love when I can, I make a, that my riko chai chi dish. Oh, yes. His riko chai chi dish. Let me explain this. It's, it's much like a burrito bowl. We were that, that for Donahouse was little boys all living there for a decade. Little boys who are seemingly culinary geniuses after you hear this story. Uh, riko chai chi is a dish I made up.

It's rice, corn, chicken and cheese. It's you cook each element separately. And then in a big walk, just throw it all together and melt cheese on top of it. And there you go. It's all, it doesn't sound too crazy. When I heard riko chai chi, they were like, Oh, Hanford's riko chai chi. And I was like, Oh, Hanford makes like some, some weird East Asian dish. I don't know about.

And then I was like, Oh no, it's just like he's throwing rice and chicken and cheese into a bowl. Like a, like a, just mush. It's just mush. It's gruel in a lot of ways. But, uh, I thought, I thought it's great. I think he meant to say great. You are, this guy is, he's a, he's a, he's not good at it, but he's a chef.

I am fearless in the kitchen. I've heard some really good things about, and this is a dish I haven't, I haven't yet had, uh, but I've heard at some friends' giveings, if you will, that the dish that you will bring to the table, uh, Hanford is a mashed potato with pickles in it. That's right. I just, just regular, uh, dill pickle diced and thrown in mashed potatoes. He does a great job with it. But then I always am looking for the regular mashed potatoes.

Um, you know, my issue with the burrito bowl, and it is probably my most frequent thing I get there. Hold on, I'm just going to stand up and get my fists ready. Go ahead, Nick. My issue with it is that I feel like it, it kind of disintegrates as you're eating it. And it eventually turns, turns into just sort of like this mush where it feels to me more like you're eating dip than you're eating actual Mexican food. I'll often just chip it rather than fork it.

And, uh, I don't know. I mean, like, I feel like if you're going to get something good at Chipotle as opposed to, well, Chipotle is where we're going to eat and I want to get something that is kind of healthy. I feel like you're better served getting a burrito. I would just always just generally go with a burrito. The tacos, I think, are a pretty good option as well. The tacos were good.

I've never had them before. They were pretty good. Um, I think, I think Chipotle is all about, uh, the, the, the burrito. I like, uh, that's, that's kind of all I will ever get. But I'll get the bowls occasionally. Um, and we, uh, there, there's this one, uh, LA comedian that we all know actually, uh, who, who did weight watchers and, uh, it is Jerry. So he did weight watchers and it was his, remember when he had that very heavy face.

Yeah. Uh, and, um, season seven of the show. Yeah. He, he ate Chipotle, uh, and he ate the bowls and he said that it was like a huge part of his weight watchers and like the points you could get the bowls and they weren't that bad for you apparently. And he lost a bunch of weight doing that. Oh, um, this is someone you know, but we're, you're, he, he's reigning him on anonymous.

Yes. Of course. Cause I don't know if he wants people, but you guys know too. But, uh, So that's kind of like a Jared from Subway sort of thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Interesting.

Yeah. Um, and then that's a part of why I think it's a kind of the health conscious choice. You know, the Colorado guys who made it, it all makes sense. Sure. Yeah. You know, speaking of the kind of way, uh, Chipotle markets itself because they don't run TV ads or anything, but they have in recent years tried a few, uh, I don't think gorilla marketing is the right way to go, but things that are a little bit different from

the typical, you know, billboards and, and, and commercial campaigns that you'll see from other chain restaurants and fast food spots. They, uh, financed a Hulu series called Farmed and Dangerous starring Ray Wise of Robocop. And, uh, I think he was in Robocop, right? Wasn't he one of the bad guys? I believe so. Yes. Okay.

Anyway, um, uh, he played some role in Robocop. Ray Wise, good character actor, uh, great guy. Uh, he was in that for, so they made that and that was like kind of like a condemning factory farming, uh, and in the abstract promoting Chipotle's, uh, farm way of living or farm way, farm to table, not quite farm to table, but that, that kind of pipeline, uh, uh, on a mass level. And then they also had this ad they did online called the Scarecrow. And I'll play a little bit of this for you guys. Oh, I remember both of these.

Yeah. And this was a thing where they got a Fiona Apple song and Hanford, if you could, I want to look at the screen here where you can get a sense of this. And I'll, I'll, I'll put a link to this in our Twitter as well. So the images we're kind of getting there are, are a Scarecrow character walking through a, an exaggerated version of a factory farm where everything's mass produced and the animals are tortured while Fiona Apple covers this song from Willy Wonka. I could relate to that Scarecrow because it's how I felt in the Chipotle restaurant.

Blatant Willy Wonka rip off. I agree with Mitch. Um, yeah, it's, uh, I don't know. I mean, I guess it was, I think that was a success for them. And I think that was tied in with promoting some app that they had or some sort of, uh, some sort of phone game that featured the Scarecrow. But I also wonder, because there are a few Chipotle locations now that no longer have carnitas because they've just decided that the pork that they're getting there wasn't

ethically sourced enough, um, ethically stored, ethically sourced is what I'm trying to say. And, uh, uh, but I wonder how good Chipotle is or how responsible they are really, you know? Right. I, I had no, I don't really know. I didn't know that about them, that that's their angle is, but I would assume not great. Or there's gotta be some secret there. I don't know that maybe just be me thinking because it's so popular and such. There's gotta be something. I like that they do it.

I mean, there's no way around the fact that they are responsible for the deaths of thousands and thousands and millions of chickens and animals. I mean, that's, that is a sad reality of- He's again referring to the chickens behind the counter. I don't know which Chipotle you have been to. Well, I got to make my joke that I like to make. Mitch and I ate outside and we saw a sparrow hop by and I said, Oh, here's the manager. You want to ask me a question?

If anyone has heard me say that before, that's not original. I love doing that. It actually, it was crazy, like people around started laughing at it and like spread like an infection and people were just falling down and laughing at that. It was like the 1989 Batman or Joker gasp. Hanford, I tell you what, you're going to have some kids someday and those kids are going to bring some friends over and you're going to do that joke for them and you're going to embarrass your kids. Well, you don't know who needs them then.

They're not going to stand up to their old friends. It's the day that you run away from home. I'm running away. You're like, I'll have a my bird joke. And my wife, a bird will cry. You can't leave us. Who will cook the eggs? Who will kick the worms?

So here's a thing to talk about cold factory lines. You guys talked about getting Chipotle at lunch. They have an app. They're kind of tech. Yeah. Which we saw, we actually didn't like that factor because we were online and which we later did because of our case of Rideau. But an order came in on the app and they cut it right in front of us.

So they made them kind of like almost immediately. And they were like... Wait, like they were in line and they ordered off the app? Oh, no, no. An order came in as we were standing at the chair. Oh, I know where it is. They just pick it up. And they just make it maybe immediately I guess

for pickup. But I think Chipotle has become such a go-to, especially out here from what I've seen, a go-to pickup lunch order for a lot of businesses and writer's rooms and things like that. But I will also say that it's always cold. That's my issue. Every... You get Chipotle and if you get it delivered, I feel like almost when you eat it there, it can almost be close to cold.

So when you get it, you're eating a cold burrito. I blame the guacamole that they put on mine. It's so much next to... That's cold. You get a lot of cold ingredients on it. I mean, the sour cream is cold, the cheese is cold. I think the salsa is chilled. I think your best Chipotle experience is dining in, but I think a lot of people are getting it

for work lunches, et cetera, where it's being brought over and they've got a huge catering order. So yours may have been the first of 30 things made and it's just been sitting at room temperature for half an hour. I saw like a broken record here, but their food matches the aesthetic. Cool. I like that. All right, guys.

Well, I think we're at the point where we can wrap up our thoughts on Chipotle. So let's go around. Let's give our overall assessment of how we feel about this restaurant and then give your rating on a scale of one to five forks. Mike Hanford, we'll start with you. I will say the tacos I've never had there before. And I, again, had them at this trip to Chipotle and I liked them a lot. The burrito, I'll take a burrito bowl any day of the week over the burrito.

I will also say this, I haven't paid for Chipotle in probably 10 years. I get it at work all the time. Mitch paid for it this time. So the fact that I'm not seeking out Chipotle is a little bit telling. Gotcha. But maybe I'm just getting my fill for free. So do I say how many forks? Yes.

No, don't. Well, he doesn't know. You know what? I thought we were going around to talk and then we all blurted out our forks. I give Hanford a lot of credit because that means he's listened to our podcast. We didn't explain that to him. He's a good guy. I'm sorry.

Yes, please give the number of forks. From zero to five forks. I thought you were being a smart Alec, which is why I lashed out. Well, sometimes I could be a little of this. Okay. Horascal. I'm sorry, Hanford. That's okay.

That's okay. Five forks being the highest? Yes. That's always a funny thing to me, I want to say. When someone says, rate it on one to 10 stars, 10 being the highest. What is one the highest? Like, what is one the best? I'm okay.

I, we didn't, I, we didn't specify. No, I'm not. I'm just saying the culture that we've created for ourselves that has to define 10 stars being the best. We know it's the best. First of all, it's five forks not 10 stars. I'm not talking about. You're talking to the abstract.

He's trying to do something greater than this podcast. Let him do it. Uh, yeah, we all know how numbers work, but we people still, when you're saying a scale, it, it feels like you have to specify. Where side are you on, why? Numbers. I'm on my own side. Just agree with me.

All right. Um, I've never paid for a Chipotle. Five forks. Free meals, uh, doesn't make me sick. Five. Great. Wow. All right.

That's it. That's how I make my bird jokes. It's a good rating. Uh, go ahead, Mitch. All right. So, um, yeah, with my meal, like I said, a little too much tomato salsa, not enough, uh, white rice. But if I do my classic burrito, which that includes the sour cream and cheese and white rice, black beans, chicken, uh, and in the burrito, if, if, if that's done right, um,

it, it's, it's, it's one of my, it's so good. It's great. It's, it's a classic, but you know, it can be uneven sometimes. And I, I, I wish that Chipotle actually had more salsa options. I love the, the green chili salsa. I get it in the burrito and then I'll try to get with my chips and I, and I, and the tomato salsa was good, but the other ones I could care less about. I wish they had just a couple more options, which Piquito Mas for people who don't know that do.

Um, but, um, that being said, I also got a Coca-Cola classic from the fountain to wishes. Oh yeah. Um, always, oh, I mean, it's always good. Yeah. When you're controlling the flow of that Coke, it's, it's 10 stars in my book. And, and especially 10, 10 forks. And, and also as if, if you're just a fountain soda is, is, is so much better than a can to me. But, and then also, uh, we got some chips in guac and, uh, I think sometimes you can get some

stale chips at Chipotle. I got to say it, but, uh, this time we did not get stale chips and they were very good. And the guac was of course delicious. So, uh, that's my wrap up and they didn't double side our, our quesarito, but I didn't want extra, an extra tortilla in there anyway. So I'm okay with it. Um, that being said, I like Chipotle. I'm going to give it four forks, uh, because if they get it right, it's great.

Get it right to hell tonight. And Hanford's, and Hanford's, I never had the barbacoa taco on the Sofritos and they were both good. But again, like you said, I'm not going to get those if I go to Chipotle. I mean, they're getting a burrito and then a bowl sometimes. Real quick, where you guys, did you get the crispy tacos or the soft tacos? Soft. Soft tacos.

Yeah, I didn't realize you'd get crispy until it was too late. And we got them with the red, the hot red salsa. Yeah. And that's pretty much what you were tasting in those. Yeah. I feel like if you want to crunch there, uh, just as a quick tangent, I feel like if you want to crunch there, a side of chips is better than the crunchy tacos. Talking Chipotle, I really like Chipotle.

I don't feel like it's the best Mexican food. I don't feel like anyone thinks that it's the best Mexican food, but perhaps on its scale, as a mass produced entity, as a chain with thousands or over a thousand locations, I think it is probably the best quality Mexican food on that scale. And I think that really counts for something. I agree that it has some consistency issues, but I think you generally know in the right ballpark of what you're getting. Like I feel like these are things where it's going from a three, four, it's maybe

generally at a four fork meal and then sometimes it goes down to a three, three and a half. Other times it edges up towards a four and a half and a five before using the Doughboy scale. I agree with that. So it's not like a thing where like sometimes you're just like, oh, this is fucking garbage. And other times you're like, wow, this is blowing my mind. It's always on the good to pretty good level. A couple of things I'll note. Not in every area, but I was at a Chipotle in New York City when I was there recently

and they have a margarita on the menu. So in certain parts of the country, you get a margarita there. It was pretty good. It was boozy. It was not too sweet. I think you could have gotten beer at the one we were at. You can get beer at some locations and that's nice too. Nice to get with sort of a fast food thing.

You can't get that at every Mexican place. And I kind of like just to the customization without having to go to a buffet, just the fact that you can kind of go through a cafeteria style and say, I want that. I want that. Give me exactly what I want. I mean, I think obviously that's a huge part of its appeal, but that certainly appeals to me as well.

You get your hands dirty. Yeah. So I think with Chipotle, again, not my favorite Mexican restaurant, but I think the best of the large scale Mexican fast food places, and maybe fast food places period in terms of overall food quality, I'm with Mike Hanford, five forks. Wow. Five forks, because you get it free.

I would say, I think you're right, for a mass produced burrito place, the quality is really, really good. And yeah, I'm always impressed. I'm impressed with the place who can do that. I will say that a funny thing is in Quincy, Massachusetts, where I'm from, they opened a Chipotle while I was out here, after I moved out here. And it's not popular.

People don't really seem to go to it. What do you think that is? I don't know. I don't know if it's an east coast thing. Or I don't think that it's as, I don't think it's as known as out here maybe. I mean, did it slowly move east after a while? Is that what happened with Chipotle? Was it more of a west coast thing in the Middle East?

I would assume, starting in the mountain time zone, starting in Colorado, that it sort of went west towards the Pacific first, also being Mexican food, and then gradually went to the other side of the country. But I honestly don't know. And maybe it's because the Quincy goons who work in there. But on another note that you just mentioned about getting beers in there, Taco Bell is going to get, I think, liquor in some of their restaurants. Well, we'll have to talk about that one.

They're going to kill someone. Yeah. I just can't wait to see the Taco Bell spin on drinks, because you can get a strawberry starburst slushy drink, and I'm like, oh, are they going to do that with alcohol? It would be fun. I feel like anyone dining in at Taco Bell probably doesn't need to get more fucked up. Like, I love the phrase dining in at a Taco Bell or McDonald's,

or like when those are called restaurants, that's the funniest thing in the world. What restaurant shall we go to? McDonald's. And let's dine in. Let's mash processed food in our face. Wrapping up, that'll wrap up our talk on Chipotle. It's time for a new segment we're going to try called Last Meal.

Mike Hanford, you've been sentenced to death. Full. So Mitch, what do you think? What's the crime that Hanford has committed that has gotten him a lethal sentence here? The ultimate penalty. Being dropped dead gorgeous? It's the year 2032. Jumping into the future?

Sure. All right. And you played a game of pick up basketball against LeBron James, and you dunked. An aging LeBron James. An aging LeBron James, and you dunked on him. So a 50-something Mike Hanford dunked on a 60-something LeBron James? You dunked on LeBron James, which at this point in our world, it's become illegal.

And so you got sentenced to death. For dunking just on him? It's illegal or dunking on any former All-Star? For dunking just on LeBron James. Mike, you could have just said like treason. He committed treason. He needed to come to this elaborate scenario. I like it too, actually.

It's a lot of fun. I'm sorry. Well, he could have just named the crime of this dunking, but I think a lot of people wouldn't understand it without the explanation. We need to know that there's a dystopian future where dunking is outlawed, and where Mike Hanford is playing pick up basketball with NBA Hall of Fame. If he just had said dunks, and everyone would have been like, what is dunking?

I got to wait many years to figure that out. I get it. So I'm sentenced to death for dunking on King James? Yes. And yep, you're sentenced to death. So 2032, I'd imagine the death penalty has been outlawed in a few more states. So which jurisdiction are we thinking he's in? He's in New Pennsylvania.

Maine, which is just south of New Pennsylvania. What happened? Listen, things are going to change. Both for me, things will change. Your execution will be multiple basketballs will be shot at you until you die. All right, you're going to be killed being pummeled to death by basketball shot at a, I imagine a device much like the American Gladiators tennis ball gun. It's going to shoot them at a high rate of speed.

Nick was correct. That's exactly what you're picturing. So you know all that, Hanford. You're an older man. It's the day of your execution. Give us your last meal. All right. I'm going to have, well, one of my favorite,

yeah, I'll give you my favorite. Also remember it's the year 2032. Yeah, that won't change what I'm about to say. Rocha. Rocha, yeah, it's going to kill me anyway. It's the way I like it best. Rocha chicken, a live chicken. I'm going to have a steak, T-bone steak,

rice with a lot of butter on it, and a steamed whole artichoke with holiday sauce. Oh boy. Do you white rice with butter on it? Yeah. And then how do you- Lemon and pepper on that as well. How do you want that steak cooked?

That's, oh, let's do a little bit of on the medium-rare end. Medium-rare, sure. Yeah, why not? Live a little. And what kind of beverage are you getting with that? Keep in mind you probably in the New Pennsylvania penitentiary system, I imagine you can't get an alcoholic beverage, but you can get anything else.

Milk. You got, oh, a glass of milk. I love milk. Hanford is a huge milk drinker. Do you still drink milk frequently? Like daily, would you say? Yeah, if my fridge allows it. That means I have milk in the fridge.

So what do you, do you have this last meal in your cell? What do you do on your way to death? Do you talk to anyone? Do you call anybody? I wear a full LeBron James replica outfit. Wow, defying him. That's right. Wow.

And I wear his shoes, just my size, the headband, the whole thing. And I say, I'm King James and I'm a big dummy. And wow. Do you know what happens? Hanford starts a revolution that changes the world for the better. This is crazy.

I bust out of the laser chair, which is the death penalty at that point. And run away. We already established that basketballs are gonna be shot. Wait, so I don't think- Oh, yeah, that's right, I forgot. As you were describing it, I was already picturing the laser chair.

Well, perhaps the laser chair is what's confining him. And there's some sort of lasers that are keeping him from moving. Ah, no, Nick, I was wrong. OK, all right. I'm sorry for being charitable for once. No, I was just being dumb. Hey, so Hanford, a steak, huh?

That's your last thing to eat. And a glass of milk. No booze, right? No, we can't have booze. I don't think in jail you can get booze for your last meal. He can in this future. In this thing we don't end up- OK, he's going to-

Fine, you make the rules. You're the governor. I'm surprised. So Artichoke with Hollandaise saw. So you say that's one of your favorites? Yeah, I like to peel and off each leaf. Sure. Yeah.

I don't know if that's- If people- When you say Artichoke, do people imagine that's how you eat them? Because a lot of them are cut in half and grilled. No, I'm picturing a whole artichoke. Yeah. But I don't know if that's-

Actually, at first I was picturing asparagus, and then I realized that was different. Right. Yeah, I'm picturing a whole artichoke that you take things off, and then you dip it in- We used to dip it in mayo, actually, at my house. Ew. Uh, yeah.

Yeah, well, I mean, there's mayo in Hollandaise saw. OK, yeah. I don't think there is, actually. Oh, no, that's- I'm wrong. But it's usually egg, but it's- If you want to do a quick, cheap version. I agree with, like, kind of an aioli for our dipping sauce for-

This is- Well, tweet at us, because this is- How do you eat your artichoke? Hashtag it. Will be helpful. How do you eat your artichoke? Because I think there's a lot of different ways to eat it. I'm just an art-

I like artichoke, all right, but I want to go after those hearts. Uh, that's the part I like the best. Oh, yeah, that's hard to do. Yeah, that's the- That's the hardest stuff. Yeah. The hidden treasure in the artichoke. Real quick, Hanford, any sweet treat you get with that last meal?

Well, I feel like- I should say, not that I'm thinking about it, that's not a very exciting meal, but it's not very extravagant, but it's the thing I probably like best. Well, I think that- But I think that's the right way to go. Yeah, I think you're right.

If you don't want to- Yeah, I remember reading that somewhere, I think that the most requested last meal is a double cheeseburger. Which I think is a very solid choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like a double cheeseburger. I know, I don't need to get crazy lobster tail and crab legs and all this stuff that's a little bit more extravagant.

But I'm not going to let you not answer the questions. Ah, you're good. You're one of the best. All right, I'm on the close with this one. You're squirming over there. Go ahead and tell us what sweet treat would you get. I'm doing a yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Oh, good job.

More milk. Something classic on that milk. I'm going to say, if I heard- If I just heard this last meal request, I would- Well, if I also heard it was a last meal request, I would think it was like the most insane man who killed millions of people. But-

Well, he just dunked on one man. But it also sounds like something like a 68-year-old man or something. It's very strange. Well, keep in mind, this is 2032, so- Oh, so you'd be around- You'd be close to 68. I don't think that's that far in the future, either.

I think we're acting like it's the distant future. 17 years from now, Hanford will be 68. But technology is advancing exponentially, and we all know that. All right, all right. Okay, yeah, let's talk about CGI for 20 minutes. And I talk about the real threat of technology in this country, and I'm shut down. Who's running this Chipotle?

All right, that'll do it for last meal. Like a restaurant, we value your feedback. Let's open up the feedback. Yes. Today's email comes to us from Lindsay Anderson. Lindsay writes, What is your fast food ice preference in drinks? Cubes, chips, crushed little nuggets, etc.

I'm Sonic Ice all the way. At this point, she included a link to a Google image search for Sonic Ice. It's like a small nugget type ice. But no ice crunching around others. Rude. Happy eating. Lins. What do you guys think?

Wow, I didn't realize that ice crunching was rude. Maybe I do that too much around people. You know what? I honestly, this email may be very self-conscious because I'm a chronic ice cruncher. Probably every time I finish a fountain drink, if I've got remaining ice in there, I'm going to crunch all of it. But it's funny because there's a Sonic,

but it's kind of a ways away from Los Angeles. I think it's a drive. And they have that kind of the cubed ice, which I don't drink too often, which you can even get through the straw, I feel like. They're smaller, distinctly, like my wife, Natalie, describes it as pellet ice, like a hamster pellet. I've also heard it called pebble ice, but they're like...

Like a hamster shit? No, like what a hamster will eat. Not like hamster shit. Oh, all right. Well, a pellet's another word for dropping. Is it? Yeah. Okay, well then, I don't know.

Maybe that is what you mean. That's also what they eat too. Hamster pellets, I think, is worth the eat. That's what I meant. Yeah, she meant it to the food. What have you been cleaning up? Man, I've been feeding my hamster the wrong thing. Oh, shit.

Pebble ice, it's called nugget ice. It was referred to in the email, but they're like smaller cubes that are very crunchable and they provide a nice texture, I think. On the scale of ice size, they're one step up from slush puppy ice. Yeah, like kind of a crushed is at the far end, and then a bigger, one of those giant cubes

you get in a specialty cocktail. Oh, that's a king. Yeah, that's like the biggest. The king cube. Yeah. King cube. What do you think, Anford? I like those little pellets.

They're usually a nice surprise. Yeah. A little treat. You know, there's nothing special with the cubes. Those end up, you know, I tip back the cup and they're all over my shirt in one second flat. Crush shaved ice, not for me. And that big, that big king cube you're talking about,

keep that away from my soda, that's all I'll say. If we're talking fast food, I think I agree like the nugget ice. The sonic ice is really good, and that's my ideal. There aren't a lot of places that have it, but you will find a, you know, like a small one location burger shop or something that will have the pellet ice or the nugget ice, and that is quite satisfying.

That's probably my fast food ideal. I will take a crushed ice, I'm okay with it. I will take a, if it's a cube, that's maybe not too dense, so you can kind of crunch on it easily. It's maybe a little hollow. Gotcha. I like that kind of cube too. Okay, I like cubes like that.

And if we're talking cocktail ice, I brought it up, but I do love the big old sphere, or the big old single cube that's in a bucket glass. That's a really satisfying thing for me. I'll often say, you know, you can keep that king cube, just another shot of whiskey in there. Oh boy. And they say, that's not how that works.

You can get a shapescape, get out of here. Well, Lindsay, I would say, besides making me feel self-conscious about the crunching ice, I think it all depends upon the drink, like Nick said. I, if I'm having a sonic type drink, and it's kind of like a fun fruity thing, like a raspberry lime rickie, I'll enjoy kind of like smaller, what were like pellet iced.

Yeah. But yeah, it just kind of, and like you, if I have an ice cocktail, the big cube, king cube, king cube me. But I'd say that the one that I like the most is probably the, I'll call it the thin cube. It's kind of like an arc light. Like it's just kind of like a thin cube.

I know what you mean. It's kind of, it's like flat on one side maybe, and kind of like a little bit of a rounded trapezoid shape. That's exactly what it is. Yeah, it's almost like if you, like are cutting pieces of butter. And, but just with a little bit of an arc, sure, whatever. Or arc, I guess, whatever, who gives a shit. But that, that, that.

Is it arc light or arc light? Well, arc light, I think it's arc light. I'm a hundred percent sure it's arc light. And they only show episodes of archer. Yeah. You dummies. Hey, that hurts my feelings when you say that. This is classic birthday boys riffin' man.

Those type of cubes are my go-to favorite. I kind of like those, the thin sliced cubes. But here's the thing with ice, I just want a lot of it. I like a lot of ice. Oh, I'm the exact opposite. Oh, wow. Cold tooth, huh? Yeah, like sensitive teeth through and through.

Are you ever a no ice man? That's, I do that every once in a while, but then I realize that's too warm. Yeah. I used to get the found, I thought like I was a kid who had it all figured out. So like when I was like 12 to 14 maybe, I would say no ice in my soda, because I think I'd get extra soda. But then it was just, it's kind of room temperature. I was a portly little kid.

But it's not as satisfying, right? I'm an adult, give me less liquid and more ice and give me the right temperature. But you're saying like very easy ice. It's, yeah, when it gets too cold, oh my God. I don't like, I want, when I drink water, I want it cold. In fact, that's even my roommate and I, Jack Allison, who was on a previous episode, we got one of those water bubblers. What's it called?

A sink? A water bubbler, like the... I know what you mean. It's the... The arrow hand or whatever. Yeah, the... Sparkless, yeah. We got like a water...

Not a carbonator. Yeah, yes, I'm sorry. We do have one of those too though. Okay. A lot of liquid flowing over there. You know it, my friend. And so you always have cold, you have always have just cold water on tap and fresh cold water.

I like things cold. That's more important to me maybe than ice is just having a cold beverage. But yeah, I'm gonna load it up with ice. One, because I think that it kind of helps, especially if you get a fountain soda, which I like fountain soda like I already said, because you have a little bit of like a water taste and it's bubbly and it's not too syrupy.

And then also with ice, that's just gonna help kind of cut that syrup flavor. It kind of dilutes it just a little bit and I like that. There are times when you'll get those big, thick cubes and it will water down the drink and that's kind of a bummer. But for the most part, ice it up. I really want it cold and I want a lot of ice. However much ice we like though,

I think we're all airing on the side of a little small, but not too small. That feels like the ideal, right? Yes, I would say, yeah. But I mean, like if you're getting a slush or something, love that small stuff. Well sure, well then you're talking about a smoothie that's a little bit of a different category. That's a different, yeah.

All right. Thanks for the question, Lindsey. Yeah, it was a great one. Yeah, a really good one. If you have a question about the world of chain restaurants or just a comment or anecdote, you can email us at doboyspodcast at gmail.com or hit us up on Twitter at doboyspod.

Mike Hanford, thank you so much for being here. You're very welcome. This has been a lot of fun. Oh, I've got you. Can I bring something up? Of course you can. We're talking about, you know, Lindsey, thanks so much for the email

and we're talking about people outside of the show right now. I talked to our friend Joe Saunders. He's got a little bit of a beef with you. Oh boy, with the doboys? Or with me specifically? With you specifically. Oh no. Oh my God.

For those who don't know, Joe Saunders. He's a wonderful guy. Picture a scared little kitten inside of him. Oh, I don't think that's fair. Oh, why not? Why do you see how he has the beef with me? You're the one insulting him. I guess you're standing up for me.

That's what I like about, at the beginning of this show, Nick doesn't just feel with the backstory of the restaurant, probably the only informational part of this. And Mitch cuts it down. Should've do that stuff. Now he's taking on Nick's, let's say Nemesis, right? Well, I'm defending Nick. That's a good point.

You're being a good co-host. So in your IHOP episode, you're talking about eating sweet stuff in the office and breads was brought up. Oh, I think I know where this is going. And Joe... Is afraid of bread? He got stuck on a loaf of bread. No, he makes bread.

He makes very good banana breads, peach breads. He's from Georgia and he brings them in the office. Now, Nick mentioned bread specifically in his maniacal rant about being force-fed sweet treats at work. And Joe took umbrage to that. I've never seen him curse so much. I got a text from him, actually, about this. Because I said I'm coming on the show.

Yeah, go ahead. And I said, oh, maybe I'll mention this bread thing. That's a fun little dust to kick up. He said, why girlit the fuse? Now he has to deal with the explosion. Wow, is that verbatim? Yes, that's the text. I tell you...

Oh, man, you have to deal with that explosions of tears that Joe will shoot onto you. This is going to get good. I tell you, if we're blowing this open, I think Saunders had a different tack with you than he did with me directly. Because he did message me about this issue. He did.

Nick, I'm listening to the Auguste Doe Boys. Alison Auguste was our guest on the IHOP episode. Wonderful, funny writer. And so you know, I would never have been offended if you'd turned down my banana bread. I texted back, oh my god, Joe, that wasn't your banana bread I was talking about. Joe continued, I think continuing his original thought.

I think that's interrupted it. In fact, someone feeling compelled to eat it is my worst nightmare as an office baker. And then I explained... Oh my god, he's an office baker. He's a writer, he shouldn't be a baker. Yeah. I explained to him that I was actually

referring to a banana chocolate bread that someone had brought in on another job. I'd worked after I'd worked with Joe. And he said, wow, interesting. Well, I'm relieved to hear it. I also told him that your breads were always a delight. And he responded, ha, thanks. So, and afterwards we had a successful trade

on the Star Wars card trader app. So I think this beef is squashed. Well, that's too bad. I was really hoping to get something going here. Yeah, it would have been nice to stir something up. Yeah, I mean, we've got a podcast where the three of us agreed on the meal. I was going to say, the kitten comparison was wrong,

but do you remember He-Man's cat? Cringer? Yeah, Cringer. Before he turns into the tough version of the cat. That'll get, he's a scared like a giant cat. Yeah, that reminds me of Joe. The Joe is the human version of Cringer. Well, there's the conflict there for the breads.

All right, Joe. There you go. Joe, you're a scared cartoon cat. That's the first part, maybe. I do not agree with that. I see you as the He-Man. Joe, just let me say, I will, on the record, I apologize

if I hurt your feelings with what I was saying in general about breads that are brought in, sweet treats that are brought into the office, and feeling obligated to eat them. I at no point felt obligated to eat your breads. In fact, it was a pleasure to eat the- Jesus. The big goods that you would bring in.

Christ, look what Joe Saunders has done to this podcast. Joe, shut the fuck up. Jesus. Yes. Joe, I will say on the record, if you don't show up with more breads at work, I will personally beat you up. Stop making bread, Joe.

Jesus Christ. Don't ever stop. God damn it. All right. Don't you ever stop, Joe. Well, this got good and insular at the end. Now I also, before we wrap up, I just want to thank all the listeners,

because now we've kind of started off. Everyone who's been emailing in questions, we went to- I meant to send responses that said, thank you for emailing in a question. So thank you to everyone who has sent something in, and also a big shout out to Chris Van Arstalen, who designed our cover art, and to Michael Castee, who created this- our intro song

that you hear earlier in the episode. And of course, to Dustin Marshall, our trepid producer, who more than anyone is making all this happen. It does. All right, Hanford, where can people check you out? Anything you'd like to plug? Uh, yeah, yeah.

You can find me on Twitter at MikeHanford.com, I was gonna say. I guess it's just at Mike Hanford. Uh, and nothing to plug- Ooh, I'll say this, though. Mitch and I are looking for Grateful Dead tickets, July 4th, in Chicago. We're planning on going, but we don't have tickets yet. Yes.

We need, if anyone has, clues on how to get tickets. They were just re-released, and we couldn't get any. Any dead heads out there. Yeah. Help us out. We need a miracle, man. Also, isn't your guy's sketch show, The Birthday Boys, is that now on Netflix?

Yes. They'll be coming out very soon. Yeah, season two, by the time you hear this, it actually might be season two, or The Birthday Boys might be on Netflix. And anything else to plug, Hanman? No, but thank you, Nick, for catching me there. I'm looking for tickets, and you're at the right-

Promoting our show. Yeah, promoting our show. Thank you. I tell ya, I said it as a fan. Aw. But yeah, thanks to everyone listening out there, and, you know, we've gotten a king's bounty of questions that we will be able to tackle on the feedback at some point,

more than we can handle, frankly, but keep them coming. We love them. All right, that'll do it for this episode of Doe Boys. For Mike Mitchell, until next time, happy eating. See ya.