Doughboys - Doughboys Double 42 - A Very Doughboys Christmas

Episode Date: December 27, 2018

On Christmas Eve, three spirits visit Nick Wiger to reveal how his behavior has affected those around him...Written by Mike Mitchell. Narrated by Jesse Thorn. Featuring Lauren Lapkus, Paul Rust, Mookie Blaiklock, Evan Susser, Sean Clements, Hayes Davenport, Yusong Liu. Additional material by Wolly and Irma. Originally released December 2017. Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. A very doughy Christmas, written by Mike the Spoon Man Mitchell and only him. Starring Nick Weiger as himself, also starring Commissioner Evan Susser, Lauren Lapkus, Paul Rust, Sean Clements, Hayes Davenport. The Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell, Michael Mookie Blakelock, additional material by Wally and Irma the Cat. I'm narrator America's radio sweetheart, Jesse Thorn. Grab a cup of cocoa and sit your iPod up next to the fire.

Here we go. It was a cold Christmas Eve down on old Palmerston Place. The Doughboy's crew were all happy, except for one scowling face. Nick Weiger was his name. Some might call him the Burger Boy, who despised every Christmas and all of life's joys. Get back to work, Spoon Man Mitch. I don't care if it's Christmas Eve. We've got a lot more to record.

A Doughboy's double is what we need. Hey, why are you rhyming? Because I hate Christmas so much it makes me rhyme. Bah humbug, Maine. Okay, Mr. Weiger, I meant to ask, can I have the day off from Doughboy's to celebrate Christmas with my family, Wally, Irma, and Tiny U-Song? Hmm. No.

What? Please, all the other podcasts are doing it. It would be problematic if you didn't. Problematic you say. Fine, then take the day off. Thank you, Mr. Weiger. Thank you. Get out of here.

Okay, we record at my house. Then I'll get out of here. Good. That night, as Nick slept in a bed separate from his wife, he was in for a surprise. The surprise of his life. His coworker would visit and give him a shock right at his regular bedtime, 9.30 o'clock. Ah, my stocking cap is on. I'm putting on my sunglasses.

Now, for bed. Who's there? What? Nicholas Weiger! Commissioner Susser? Are you alive? I thought you died on the set of Sonic the Hedgehog. Hey, Spino, can you tell me a big the cat will be drinking eggnog with Charmy the Bee?

Not a liberty to say! But yes, I am dead. And I'm here to tell you to change your ways before it's too late. To recognize that Christmas is good. And Spoon Man is good. Three ghosts will visit you shortly. The Ghost of Doe Boy's Christmas Past. The Ghost of Doe Boy's Christmas Present.

And you'll never guess the third. It's a future? Yes, it's a future. Sorry, I think we kind of blazed past that you died. What happened? Well, you know, it was an on set accident and I was by the craft service. Oh, so it was an on set accident? Yeah.

Oh boy. I didn't even say what ghost I am. Are you a ghost? I am a ghost. Yeah, but I just thought you were like the ghost of you ghost, Suser. I'm also the Hanukkah ghost that decided. Oh, OK. Well, here, I don't have, I mean, I don't have a personal connection to Hanukkah.

I mean, I know what it is, but I wasn't I was raised Christian. Yeah, well, I'm more for this purpose is I'm kind of serving the Jacob Marley. You know, I'm telling you about the other ghosts to come. Right. OK, so this is you're just this is just a direct Christmas Carol parallel. Yeah, you'll see. OK. And with that, Suser slowly waddled down to Nick's Santa Monica steps.

And as for Weigar, well, that's when he slept. Oh, my stomach must be rumbling. Shouldn't have eaten that. You should know your honey walnut shrimp. It's not sitting right. Wait a minute. That's those aren't the rumblies. That's an apparition, a ghoul of some sort.

A Wraith is here. Who are you in my bedchamber? I am the ghost of Doughboy's past. Wake up, bitch. I'm awake. Well, how do you like your life now? I mean, I guess it's going OK. Some things could be better.

I mean, like I had. So I was on the staff job for a while and it got well, I just say that, like, I've been out of work since like late August. OK, it's not great. It's not great. I mean, it would be I wish I was working, but it's not like it's not a terrible situation I'm in. Like I plan for the possibility.

This show is going to end at the end of it's at midnight on Comedy Central. OK, I've heard of it. Yeah. So it was like it was going to end. The season was going to end around then anyway. So I plan for the possibility they might not have any more work after that, but but then it got canceled. So, you know, hey, yeah, sorry about that.

So I was just wondering if tonight you would like to go with me to some past locations and see points in your life where things could have gone differently. Past locate like moments for my life I've experienced previously. I call it past locations. Right. Past locations. I got it. I understand.

I mean, I don't know your ghost lingo. Yeah, I should have. I should have translated. No, it's it was honestly it was very easy for me to put together. So I don't. Yeah, you have nothing to apologize for. Hold my hand. Oh, sure.

Wee. Wee. Here we are at the Cheesecake Factory where you and Mitch decided to do your podcast. Oh, yeah. They're right. This is a real trip down memory lane. They're me and Mitch are seated at the Grove on the balcony section. We're deciding what apps to order.

What did you get? We got. Okay. So we got this thing. What did we get? You know, here's what I remember. It was a it was like a fried bitch. Does Mitch do you know?

Hey, Mitch, do you? He can't hear me. He can't hear. He can't see us. How does that feel to not be able to be talked to by your best friend? I think best friend is a little much. I think I mean, you know, look, I would and I'm used to engaging with him actually, you know, as much as we have a rivalry and we feud, he's always listening to me.

He's never ignored me. Look at Mitch. Look what he's wearing. He looks so good. Right. He's so pulled together. Wow. He gained like 80 pounds.

This podcast has not helped. Yes. Well, why don't we, why don't we follow Mitch home? He's paying the bill. I guess you let him take care of it. Yeah. That was kind of the arrangement. Oh, wow.

Look at him. He's, he's calling his mom. He's talking to his mom about how he's so excited about the show and he wants to try hard. Wow. He's got some genuine enthusiasm for dough boys. I've never, I mean, he seems cynical from episode two or three. He seemed like he was over it.

Maybe that was your fault. Come on. How can it be my fault? I put so much work into this show. It's, it's, you know, it's a collaboration, but also it's my brainchild, baby. I mean, I have to, it's my passion to drive in this thing. There's no way I'm pushing Mitch away. There's no way that's a possibility.

Let's see Mitch when he was even younger. This is before he met you. Here he is in high school with all his friends. Wow. There's Chankton and Freyobot, DuckDuck and Weegon. Weegon's there. Oh. And Qui-gon.

Look how happy he was before he met you. He's playing with his friends and having fun. I don't know if they're playing with him so much as they are ridiculing him. They're all laughing. Yeah. They're, I mean, they're laughing at him. He's laughing too. He's dancing around and then, okay, Wu-Tang just pulled his pants down.

But look, you changed his life in so many ways. Here he was so happy and free. Right. Yeah. He doesn't seem like he's in his head preoccupied with things. I mean, I guess that's a lot of that is attributable to me. Yes, it is. The fact that I give him so much guff.

These guys are giving him guff, but it's all in good fun. It's all good nature. See, he likes it when they do it. Right. When I do it, it's like his dad is lecturing him. Oh, look who's walking down the street. It's a young, beautiful Natalie before she ever met you. Oh, my wife.

Well, you know, we actually went to the same middle school. She doesn't know you here. Okay. So this is like an alternate reality where she doesn't know me in middle school. She doesn't know you. Wow. I mean, we're an orchestra together. Maybe you haven't registered for her yet.

Yeah. I guess that's a possibility. I feel like we had conversation. She doesn't remember. Okay. All right. Okay. Wow.

All right. Look how happy she is. She's skipping down the street. Yeah. There she is with her friend Agnes Yoshida. They're having a ball. Wow. Her life could have been so many things.

Right. I mean, I guess she met me. We met each other just out of college. We knew each other when we were young. I mean, I remember. She doesn't remember. Okay. I'm just saying I remember from when we were younger.

And then we reconnected after college. And I guess that's relatively young to have started dating and turned that into a marriage that's, I mean, it's a relationship that's gone on for close to 15 years at this point. Wow. Look what she could have done. So much potential squandered. She's looking at a photo of JTT in a magazine. Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

She could have had him. Oh, man. Had gotten in the way. He looks great. Have you seen a pic of him recently? I see him all the time. Do you? I visited him.

You visited him? Yes. He was passing because I think like his whole thing is he had a lot of success in his past. It's probably nice. It's actually more troubling because it's gone downhill. Oh, no. So I show him the good that he used to have and he feels bad. Oh boy.

Yeah. So for you, it's the opposite. Right, right. We're seeing all how good things were and could have been. Right, right. We're seeing possibility, but there we saw like his potential was actually realized. It's a different thing to process. Wow.

Oh, here we are. We're walking up to a hospital. As we enter these hallowed doors, we see the baby wing where the baby wing of the hospital. Oh, look at that little baby. Look right there. The center one. It's baby Yu Song. Yu Song Liu, our production coordinator.

Yes. He's got his whole life ahead of him. Anything could happen. He's so cute already wearing a button up in glasses. He knew exactly who he was right from the start. Right. He locked into that style from day one. And I mean day one.

Well, he could be anything. Yeah. Instead, he's a production coordinator for a failing podcast that he doesn't even listen to. Well, I don't know about that. I mean, he does. He does not listen to the show. He doesn't know the.

I'll say like a reference to him. He doesn't. He like pretends he got it, but he clearly didn't get it. He went to Cornell. Did you know he went to Cornell? I only know him as a baby. Okay. All right.

That was like an Ivy League. It's just like a really great. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I honestly, that's a question for him and his parents as how his career path led him here. But that's where he is.

Here's the question. Here's what I wanted to ask in a more general sense. So it feels like you, your domain encompasses the past, but if we're being literal, the past goes up to, you know, one second ago and go in captures all of time up till then. But it feels like if you're talking about, you don't remember our U songs college days that was, you saw, Hey, baby, you song, how old are you? He can't hear me. I forgot.

He can't. He can't hear me. He wouldn't know how to answer. He also wouldn't if he could, but he's like 22, 23. He's been out of college like a year. You're being too literal. I'm just saying. I just, I choose moments.

Okay. You choose. I can't, I can't know everything about it. I got it. All right. I only want to see him as a baby. That's just my prerogative. That makes sense.

Okay. Oh, okay. By the way, quite a dick on that kid. Hold my hand again, Nick. Here we are watching you at your first in and out experience. Oh, in and out burger. My dad took me there. We sat in the drive through and it was a long wait and he was like, trust me, son,

it'll be worth it. And he was right. And do you see, here's you enjoying your first in and out burger. You're so happy. I'm chomping into that double double boy. It's the size of my head at this point. I'm so happy. In and out burger.

You're so happy. I'm chomping into that double double boy. It's the size of my head at this point. You've never looked happier. Yeah. I mean, I guess this really is what inspired my lifelong passion for chain restaurants and fast food. You're always trying to capture this first moment.

Right. And really though, what I'm trying to capture is not that bite. It's that time I'm spending with my dad. But instead you spent hours with Mitch going to different fast food restaurants. Yeah. Wait, are you saying I should fire Mitch and hire George Raymond Weiger as the new co-host? I'm not saying anything. I'm just saying, look what you wanted and look what you're doing.

Yeah. That's true. But you know, maybe there is a lesson there and that a meal is only as good as the person you're sharing it with. And I've been thinking about the food I've been eating and the fork rating I ascribe to it. But I haven't been thinking about the personal connection I've been having with the man who I've decided to create this chain restaurant fast food.

And spend your life with. Well, I mean, I'm married to a, I have, I acknowledged my wife earlier. No, I know. I just mean like you really spend more time with him, it seems like. I think I spend more time with Mitch than my wife. I don't know. Any time I see you, you're with Mitch. I would just say, and again, you know, it's your prerogative what you want to do in terms

of surveying the past. I would just sort of like do an accounting of my past and just sort of look at the past few years. I think you'd see I spent a lot more time with my wife. Why don't we go to your school cafeteria? Uh, now we're talking Long Beach Polys. Yeah, it looks like we're at Long Beach Polytechnic. Look, my high school.

Look at you with your lunch. You're, you're so greedy. Everyone's asking you for a bite and you won't give them any. Yeah, that's true. I am hoarding my food. I don't want anyone near my precious chicken fried steak. Well, look how upset everyone is with you. They look very cross.

Right. They're all mad. John Saville and Dave and give on and Brandon warts. They're all ostracizing me. They're not going to let me join their ska punk band. And they starved to death. That's true. Because you wouldn't share.

They starved to death? My friends from high school? They're dead now? They're hungry and dead. No. No. What have I wrought with my greed? No, no, no.

I'm taking you back even further. Okay. So you can see how this all started. Here you are as a young boy. Look at you. Your mother has served you food and you're telling her you don't even like it. Right. She's trying to serve it to you.

She's standing right in front of you in her little cooking outfit. Oh, I was so picky then. I wouldn't, I would never eat fish unless there was ketchup on it. I was just, she's trying to serve me a salmon dinner and I would have loved it nowadays, but as a little tyke, there's no way I would have put that in my mouth. Look how you're, okay, you're staring at your mom in kind of a weird way right now. You have hearts popping out of your eyes. I mean, look, mom can get it.

I'm just saying. What? I'm just saying, mom can get it. Are you saying, are you saying you want to cuck your dad? Hey, you know, I'm not saying I'm not, I don't want to do that. She's, she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I mean, next to my wife, of course, but. Yeah, get back to that.

All right. Well, enough of that. That's making me feel sick. Is there anything else you want to do or see? Anything else in the, in the entire history of the world that you would like to visit and witness and change? You're meaning, you're meaning to say that I can go anywhere in the past, anywhere in all of history. I can witness the rise of man, the fall of Rome.

I can see who really killed JFK. You could stop Hitler. I'm giving you a chance. All of these are possibilities. I, you know, I think I'm actually pretty good at this point. What? Yeah. I kind of like, because this is really, like, I don't know how it ensures an apparition.

It hits you differently, but I found this like really like draining just like physically and emotionally. I feel like I need to get back to sleep. Kind of rude. Well, no, I mean, like it was like cool. It was like an interesting experience. Oh, it was cool. But I'm tired.

It's like here. Here's what I'm trying to put it. Like it's like watching like a Paul Thomas Anderson movie. I don't know the reference. Okay. Well, he like made like Boogie Nights is maybe his biggest movie. Is it long? It's long.

Yeah. It's like a very long movie, but it's like, just say it's like watching a long movie. Okay. It's like watching a long art movie. And it's like, just said that movie mother just came out. I haven't seen that. It's a Darren Arnavsky movie. He's another kind of, see it in a hundred years.

Do you understand? Well, you have to wait. So like the most recent movie you've seen is like the train coming at the screen. Yes. I loved it. Oh, wow. Okay. Wow.

All right. I give it two thumbs up. Okay. You know, they're film critics who do that. Siskel and Ebert. Stop. Anyway, I was just going to- I give it four forks.

Hey there. Now you're talking my language. That's a movie I'd eat. Look, I'm just saying that it's, yeah, no, it's very cool and a very interesting experience, but yeah, it's just kind of- All right. You know, go to bed. I think I'm done with you.

I could probably take Mitch out and have a much better time. So- You have more fun with Mitch? Probably. You just want to go to sleep. Well, maybe that's why people like him more. Oh yeah. Well, he's way more fun.

Hmm. Thanks, ghost. Good night. Ooh. That's Yoshinoya. That was something. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Not sitting right at all. Nick was safe and sound, warm and back in his bed, well visions of minions danced in his head. Wait a minute, there was no ghost of Doughboy's past? It was all a dream. All of it. It's probably that Del Taco half pound beaten cheese burrito with red sauce I had last night. I shouldn't have had it right before lying down.

That was a mistake. I'd already put it in my night guard. No, no, no. What? Who's there? It was not a Del Taco beaten cheese burrito with the red sauce. No, no, no, no. Who are you?

Who am I? I am the ghost of Doughboy's present. You're the ghost of Doughboy's as it currently is? Yes, in 2017. Wow, I thought this was just a case of the rumbly. What do you want from me? What are you doing in my bed chamber? You know how you were visited by the ghost of Doughboy's past, right?

Yeah, I thought that was just a dream a second ago, but I'm starting to think it was more real than anything I've ever experienced. When something happens twice, you start to go, well, maybe, right? Yeah, you start to think it's, yeah, it's like, this is a, because you know, I mean, sometimes you'll say like, you need three for a pattern, but two kind of like, because it's like, okay, one, two, what comes next? It could be three. It could just be, you're just increasing by one, or it could be four.

You're multiplying by two, right? One, two, four. It's kind of the third one, but by the time you have the second one in the series, you kind of get the idea that we're headed somewhere. So I mean, if this is it, it still feels like a pattern. Well, I have a hunch it might be. Okay. Because you know the ghost of Doughboy's past, right?

She showed you the past. Yeah, she did. It was harrowing. So as the ghost of Doughboy's present, you kind of have an inkling about what I'm going to do here a bit. Yeah, I can, I mean, you know, I don't know exactly what it's going to be, but I have a general sense. A general sense, but no specifics yet.

Right. Yes. Yeah. That's fair. Well, listen, Nick Weiger. How did you know my full name? It was written upon your chamber, room door. That's right.

It's beautiful. Curse of. Yeah, it really is. I had sent away. Now, who would I talk to about doing something like that? Oh, well, okay. So by the way, do you say, I've noticed you say ho, ho, ho. Are you Santa?

What? I don't know. I just know. Okay. You're just, you also say ho, ho, ho and are associated with Christmas because that's kind of his thing. I also say it. Maybe he also says it.

Fair enough. That's fine. That's fair. I don't want to start a whole thing here. I want to talk to people who I grew up with. I was saying ho, ho, ho long before your like named ilk, Nick. That's true. I did.

St. Nick is. You already got one strike against you because you got the same name as that guy who stole my ho, ho, ho, stick. Please go to the Christmas present. That has nothing to do with how I'm named. Please don't hold that against me. Oh yeah. You weren't named after old St. Nicholas.

I don't think so. Who were you named after? My parents told me that at one point there was like an actor. I think there was a Nicholas something. He was in, he was an actor in the seventies, like a child actor. I think they might have gotten like, they didn't name me after him, but they get the idea for the name Nicholas from him because my brother's already named Nathan and they want another name.

So they were like, Nicholas is a good pairing. Well, I am all knowing and that checks out. Okay. That's exactly what it was. Thank you. Anyway, just about the inscription, that little plaque I have out there, I just found a, there's like a website. It's like there, it's anyplac.org.

And so like just whatever you want on a plaque, if you just write it in and they'll do it, they have like artisans there, they'll, they'll like handcraft it. So you want it like in calligraphy, you want it in like an old school sort of Roman font, they'll do that too. Whatever you need. Anyplac.org. Anyplac.org. Yeah.

And let me just, I'm going to just put it in my notepad. Yeah, sure. Anyplac.org. Oh, look at it, automatically hyperlinks in the notepad. Yeah, they do. That's like a new iOS thing. That's cool. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

I mean, like sometimes it's like you're just trying to type a period and then they, they think it's a URL, but it's not. That's a little annoying, but mostly it's pretty useful. Yeah. And this isn't freaking me out because I'm the ghost of Doughboy's present. Right. So you're aware of this. I'm aware of all of this.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ghost of Doughboy's present trademark. So why don't I show you a look-see of how you, I don't know, have ruined Doughboy's present for all? No way. Doughboy's presents owes everything to me. I made Doughboy's present what it is. You said no way? I say yes way.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Come follow me. Hop into my choo-choo train. Oh, you got a choo-choo train. Yep. You know, I really like rail transit. They built this new expo line from Santa Monica over to, I mean, you know, this is the present. So like you're aware, this, this happened contemporary with you.

But it's, it goes from Santa Monica where we live to downtown LA and take it all the time. It is great. So yeah. And it's green. It is green. Absolutely. Which is one of my two favorite colors.

Red. Red. Oh, right. For Christmas. Christmas-y sort of thing. And Santa will say those are his favorite colors, but blow me. Boy, you really have a beef with Santa. I mean, I honestly think- Maybe Santa's got a beef with me.

I honestly think like, I know that you're, this is my moment, but I think you probably have a thing to explore on your own in terms of why you have so much resentment towards Santa. I've been visited by the ghost of Doughboy's present, present. Wait. So you have your own? Yes. You have your own sub-ghost?

Yes. I guess that's what it is. It's a sub-ghost. Oh, all right. Hmm. Well, anyway. Pretty cool. I'll get in your mighty choo-choo train and take me where you will.

By the way, we go choo-choo. You gotta, you have to make the sound. Oh, I have to. Okay. Okay. Choo-choo. Chugga-chugga. Chugga-chugga.

Chugga-chugga. Chugga-chugga. That's a good sound work. Chugga-chugga. Chugga-chugga. Chugga-chugga. I'm getting my breaks now. Truly!

Hey, that was really good. Cool. Good sounds. Thanks. Thanks, Ghost of Ghosts. Ghost of Ghosts. I've said a lot of guys before for the Doughboy's present. And they're not as good as making sounds.

Oh, thank you. No, I'm not like I don't, hey, I'm no Michael Winslow. But who is? But I mean, like, I at least was like, I'll commit to this and do the best I can. It's not going to be perfect, but I'll just make an effort. A plus. So much. And I'm saying that because I'm just trying to build you up a little bit here because

you are about to get raked over the coals, my man. Oh, God, no. Well, let me just open the doors here. Step outside. You see this? Where are we? Where is this? We're at your home.

We just, wait, so we took a train? We took a train back here? Yeah. Okay, I mean, that's fine. You notice when we passed that same red car? I thought it was a different red car because I assume there's like multiple red cars. How often did you really see a red car, though? Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's true.

Talk about patterns, Nick. No, that's true. I should have, I should have recognized it was the same red car. Yeah. Well, here we are. We're back in, we're back in our lovely home in Santa Monica, California. Boy, everything's there. My TV, I call the big boy.

Our sectional. We got a Creighton barrel, one of my prized possessions. Look at, look at the garland at the streamers. Right. Hugged throughout the room. Me thinks a party was thrown here. A party at my place, yes, but no one is here. Hey, you know, that's what I like.

All I need is me and my wife, just the two of us. Your wife, does she not look sad? Oh, she is kind of moping in the corner. Natalie, are you okay? She can't hear me. Natalie, are you okay? Those are the rules. She can't see or hear you.

Right. I mean, we did establish this with a ghost of Doughboy's past, so I should have assumed it was also the case, but. Of the present. Yes. I just, she seems so lonely. Wait, does she feel excluded socially because I am a recluse? Does she feel like she doesn't get to interact with the people that she wants to see because

I am so content being alone? That's not fair to project onto her. Yes. And also, she, she tells me we went out for lunch once, like how when Morgan Freeman and Gwyneth Palsch wrote, get breakfast at seven. Oh, right. Yeah, that's weird, right? You know, the guy who's partners with each of them isn't there and they're just having

a one-on-one. Yeah, yeah. So I just Natalie did that diner from seven. Wow. Wait, did you identify as the ghost of Doughboy's like present at that point? Yeah. And she gave me no shit about it, unlike you. Okay, all right.

So she told me that she says, you come home ranting and raving about Mitch. Mitch this, Mitch that. It's true. And me and Natalie are both in agreement. You have to treat Mitch better. Wait, so that's the issue? Yeah. That's why she's so sad now?

Because I mean to Mitch, not because we don't have any friends at our place? Nope. That was an old, uh, curveball. Oh, a curveball, classic curve. Wow. You got to watch it from Doughboy's present. Right. More curveballs than ghosts of Christmas Nolan Ryan's Doughboy's present.

How is he doing okay? Is he? Because I know like, you know, I assume you're someone who's conscious of the present. He's like, he's just content in retirement, right? I check in on Nolan Ryan every once in a while. Does he own the Rangers? Is that his thing? He owns the Rangers.

Okay. In name. Oh, got it. He's sort of a figurehead. Yeah. And, uh, he, um, well, he voted Trump. What more do you need to know about that? Jesus Christ.

What an asshole. What a dick. And you know what he said when he cast the vote in the ballot booth? No. What did he say? I want to do this. Wow. So he wasn't one of the, like the Republicans who was like, well, I'll vote for the nominee

because this is, these are the politics I believe in. He actually wanted Trump. Yeah. He didn't hold his nose doing it. Wow. What an asshole. Mm-hmm. I'm sorry to hear.

Well, you're worse off than him leaving your wife crying in a corner. I'm sorry, Natalie. I'll, I'll be nicer to Mitch if that's what it takes. I'm sorry for your sake. She can't see or hear you. The train's taking off. Hop on. Hop on.

Huh. Huh. True. True. Oh, the second time I do it. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know the rules.

Well, it's a pattern. We did it once. Right. Okay. So why would you think you get to do it again? I just sort of assumed. I made a choice. True.

True. True. True. True. Wow. This guy's good. True. True.

True. Boy, this is not his first rodeo I can tell. That wasn't smoke, but piss. Oh boy. Why did you just piss in your own train? That's disgusting. A lot of conductors do. Oh, really?

I didn't notice that was a common thing. Yep. You ask any train conductor, he usually, when he's about a half a mile outside of the station, downs a powering bee. So he could effectively piss his pants. Wow. I guess it must be some sort of marking territory thing. That's very strange.

I think so. I think that's what it is. Okay. All right. Wait, where have we arrived now? Are we? Mitch's house at Palmerston? Yes.

Mitch's house on Palmerston. Would you like to go through the door magically or look through the window? Let's do the magic door thing. That sounds fun. Yeah. Don't worry. I'm not going to scrooge you where I go through the door and then you try to go through the door and then you hit it, then I come back out and go, haha.

Like the movie Scrooge. Yeah. I'm not going to do that to you. Okay. All right. Yep. Okay. Cool.

Great. What if I did it to myself? Oh, that would be funny. Talk about your curve balls. That would be funny if I like went through and then you too. But the thing is, like, I don't know if I would be, I wouldn't expect it. So I don't know if I would know that it happened. That's true.

And you'd have to have seen Scrooge too. Right. Which I have. Yeah. It's based on a Christmas carol. Right. That's, you know what? That's honestly, that's, that's kind of probably the source material for this as well.

I think so. Okay. All right. I mean, people will just get that. I think so. Okay. I think, yeah. All right.

All right. Let's go through this door. Oh, shit. God. Fuck. That was crazy. That hurt. That was painful.

I have like a chalk taste of my mouth now or something. Oh, yeah. I don't want to do that again. Oh, that's awful. Let's just somehow wait until the door opens or something. We come through. We should have just, I just, I thought this was like a cool thing we would do. We should have just looked through the window.

I feel like I have like slivers in my body. Yeah. That was, it's like I've been just like rolling around on a shag carpet. I've just got like all. Yeah. That's a smokey, like a smoke filled carpet. Right. Fuck.

I'm sorry. My vision's blurred. God. All right. It's stunk in there too. It really did. It smelled horrible. I went through it.

I was just like, God, this is just a door. It reeks. And it's like, or is it the power? Is it the mist of the power of me going through this? That stinks. It's not worth it. Yeah. I have to think it was like the power, like the kind of like otherworldly, you know.

What power is that? I don't know. Smelling like a goddamn fart. I don't. This is your territory. I don't know. Okay. I don't know these ghost stuff.

Yes. I forgot. So we're at Mitch's house, huh? Hey, there it is. There's Mitch. My podcast co-host who I have such a rivalry with. Hey, look at all that food and, but Mitch is hogging it all to himself. Yes.

It's a big banquet, a feast upon the eyes. Right. All of Mitch's favorites are on the table. There's some Dunkin' Donuts and some Taco Bell and a big turkey, but he's just hogging it for himself. There'll be no food for Wally or Irma or tiny you song. Look at tiny you song having to sit there, watch Mitch eat. I know you thought, hmm, maybe I'll come in and there'll be no food on the table.

Right. They can't, they can't afford one more soul. Wait, what's, what's Mitch saying? He's saying, this is what Weigur does to me. Yup. He thinks I'm selfish and he thinks that, that's, that's causing him to take it out on the, those that he loves. Yes.

Like his, like tiny you song and his two favorite cats. Yes. Even in Doe Boy's present, they're called cats to me. Right. Well, I mean, why would they be called something else? Man, I've, I've been teaching the wrong lessons to this guy. This is, this one's on me. Wait, take me away from here, take me away from here, ghost of Doe Boyís present.

I'll take you away on the train to Choo, Choo, Choo, Choo, Choo! Now you are, ho ho ho ho ho. Choo, Choo, Choo, Choo, Choo! Choo, Choo, Choo, Choo, Choo, Choo, Choo... Hey, Iíve been at this for years and youíre better than me. Oh come on, donít say that. No itís true. No, itís not.

Pssss. Do you recognize? Yes. Nice work. Thank you. Recognize this place, Nick, I believe itís the wonderland dreamfactory of your most pleasant fantasies. Oh my god, weíre in Kyoto Japan.

At Nintendo Headquarters, all the developers must be in there. Everyone who makes Mario, and Zelda, and all my favorites. Yes, Mario, Zelda, and all your favorites. I mean those are two of my favorites but the remaining favorites, I mean, you know, I could name them like, you know, your Metroid, your Kid Icarus. I think I see a Metroid over there right now. Whoa, thereís an actual Metroid in there, theyíre real. Thatís right, they have to make games of themselves.

Wow, thatís perverse but I mean if thatís part of the Nintendo genius, who am I to second guess them? Wait a minute, whatís this? The boss, the man in charge, his name of course is Shigeru Miyamoto. Shigeru Miyamoto. Right, Shigeru Miyamoto, the creator of Mario and Zelda. Heís shutting off all the lights. Heís turning off all the machines.

Heís quite closing shop. Mr. Miyamoto, why would you do that? Why would you ever do that? He canít see or hear you but I can enter into his brain by pushing my finger on his palm. Wow, I guess thatís what it takes to get to the truth. He said theyíre closing down because of melding brains. This is worse than when we pass through the door. Oh really itís worse than that because that was awful.

He says itís because of Nick Weigher. Because of me but Iím a huge Nintendo fan. I own a switch in multiple games. Well you better switch it off and switch on the lights because this is your reality. Wow. Wait a minute. I see a diagram on his white board. Itís a crude drawing of me.

It says Weigerson underneath it. And then thereís developer art concept art of Prince Sidon, my favorite character from Legend of Zelda, Breath of the Wild. Thatís right. Theyíve been monitoring how much you like him and think how cute he is. Yeah, heís pretty. Heís really cool. Heís like hunky.

And then heís like the fastest swimmer of the Zora which is really cool. Are you okay? Do you have allergies or something? Is that what was the mind meld? Probably triggered something. Is that what it was? If I mind meld with somebody whoís allergic, I get their allergies for about five minutes. Miyamoto has allergies.

I didnít know that. Okay. Yeah, I think heís allergic to bullshit. Whoa, whoa man. Wow, I guess this is trying to tell me that I focus my affection on a fictional video game character instead of on my very real podcast co-host. Thatís right. I treat this fake merman as some sort of god when really I should maybe have some respect

for the guy who I spend so much time chattering with on the podcast airwaves. Who might also be a merman? I donít think Mitch is a merman. Have you ever got his legs wet? No, Iíve not gotten his legs. I guess I havenít. It could turn into a fin. I mean, I donít think.

Thatís not true. Youíre talking to Doe Boyís present ghost here. Are you saying he is a merman? Iím just saying maybe if you tipped over a glass of water, you might be interested in the results. I think now Iím getting allergic to bullshit. Nick, we got to get out of here. True, true, true, true, true, true.

Look, weíre at the workplace of Ebenezer Scrooge. Hey, Scrooge is that. So this very much is just the Christmas Carol. Yeah, weíre in a Christmas Carol now. Okay. Wait, so this is ScroogeísÖ Look at Scrooge, heís so sad working so hard on Doe Boyís present day. He should be spending time with his family if he even had a family.

He has no family becauseÖ I think because of you. Wait, so this is, Scrooge is my fault? I thought you were going toÖ Why would I show you this unless it was your fault? I thought you were going to be like, ìHey, this could be you. This like, you know, decrepit old miser whoÖî Who are you calling decrepit? Wait, he canÖ

Scrooge? He can hear me? Because heís also experiencing your experience too. Somehow youÖ There must be some break in the meld. Letís get out of here. Choo, choo, choo, choo, choo. We got to alternate for the fourth time. Right, sorry.

Choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo. Piss, piss, piss. Wait, whereÖ That one felt good. It did feel pretty good. It looks like weíre at one final stop. The train map on the interior of your beautiful choo-choo says, ìLast stop of the line.î ìLast stop on the line.î

Well, whatís out here? ItísÖ The studios, the headquarters of Earwolf.com. Wow, Earwolf. www.earwolf.com. Wow, this is what a real podcast company looks like. Look at this place. This is amazing.

See, oh, look over there. Tis, Sean and Hayes. My buddies from Hollywood Handbook, Sean and Hayes. Ah, theyíve been so, so good to me. Theyíre such good friends. I like them so much. Letís listen in onÖ What?

Iím sure theyíre as funny off-mic as they are on. Oh, they have to be. I canít wait to hear what theyíre saying. Yeah, I donítÖ I donít think heís like a bad guy. Oh, I disagree. You think he actually is bad? I was going to say that heís just like a nothing.

Like a zero person. I agree that heís a nothing, but a lot of the shit he does, like he has to know better. Okay, I do wonder about that too. How can he not know that this is who he is? And is it a bit that itís just like not successful? His whole personality. Yeah, heísÖ

Well, his personality is heís like what I would call rude polite. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. He says polite things. Yeah. He would be like, oh, thank you, sir. But itís all done with this tone where Iím likeÖ

What the fuck? Youíre being a fucking dickhead. Yes. And itís not, itís like professionally and when youíre just talking to him. Sometimes Iím like, oh, is this just what he does? Itís worse when youíre talking to him. For his job, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, totally. Yeah, when itís like supposed to be like a personal friendly relationship is when itís at its worst. And I thought once they started doing the double, is the money going to help? Yeah. Like is that finally going to be enough for him? Is he going to stop trying a lot?

Is he going to like lighten up a little bit? Is he going to stop trying a lot? But again, it is worse. WellÖ He thinks that he deserves to act this way and nothing. And I thought like, okay, now heís got a thing that heís doing. Like once heÖ like once like Midge kind of took him on, who I feel terrible for.

I know. Poor Midge. Once Midge kind of took him under his wing, I thought, okay, good, now heís sort of got some direction and he wonít be like searching all the time and like striving, but heís still talking about how heís going to do stand-up one day and like trying out his bits. Oh my God.

Has he been trying out his bits on you? Yeah. Well, he has a lot of holiday stuff. Now he does. Yeah. Well, he tries to pass him off as conversation, where heíll just like come up, do his like root play, and look, hello sir.

And then suddenly heíll launch into like this thing about candy canes, which is heís like, have you had these candy canes recently? Itís like so clearly prepared. He actually, heís just comingÖ Heíll say like, so any plans for the holidays? And Iíll like start to say what Iím going to do and I can tell heís not listening. No.

Heís got this. Monologue prepared. Yeah. And then he starts going to use, hey, how do you think they came up with that? You think somebody was in a boardroom and went like, what should the next sweet treat be taste like? We got these, some look like treats,

some look like pretty bells. How about one that looks like a walking aid for the crippled and elderly? Yeah. And he has one. Oh yeah. Because I guess he thinks I'm not going to know what it looks like. Yeah.

And he just like, have some faith that at least what youíre talking about is common enough that itís like a valid bit to do. But itís like, oh yeah, thatís what I want to think about what Iím enjoying my peppermint treat is having trouble walking. And he pretends to like walk with a little cane and stuff. Donít you agree, sir?

Donít you agree, sir? Well then he pretends, he starts sucking on the cane. Starts sucking on it, yeah. He pretends that itís like something else. He goes, this is what I do with mine. And Iíll be like, dude, itís not something I want to talk about. Yeah.

So with his own dick, you think thatís what he means? I do think thatís what he means. And I donít want to talk about it. So Iíve never asked a follow-up. But heís been getting more aggressive about bringing it up. Yeah. That I think may have started as something

that was embarrassing for him. But now itís something that heís like weirdly proud of. Heís like taking ownership of it. Heís like taking it back or something. Itís like, well just leave it. But has he done any of his bits with you? Yeah, he has one, yes, where itís a really long,

kind of almost scene where he steps back and forth playing the different characters. And itís Santa coming down the chimney. Right. And Chris Hanson is there. Yes. And itísÖ Itís Santa to catch a predator.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. To catch a Santa predator. Yeah, I know. And heís like, he does this like Santa voice that is so weird. And you know, he does, you know, like I heard you like to see little boys and girls

and stuff like that. Itís so long. I canít. And I donít remember a single part of it. And it is so long. Itís like a full conversation between the two of them. Seems that youíve made a note of keeping track of who the naughty little boys are.

Yeah. Thatís okay, I guess. You know his name is not even really Nick Weiger. Okay, I heard this. I heard rumors about this. No, itís not. Itís Nick Winger. And he changed it because he thought he looked too much

like Jeff Winger from Community. Okay. So he does talk about Jeff Winger from Community a lot. Heíll walk into a conversation and be like, ìHey, itís just me, Nick. Itís not Jeff Winger.î Yeah, heíll be like, youíre not seeing double if he somehow is standing next to the billboard

of Joel McKay. He looks nothing like him. I know. He doesnít look anything like him. And Iíll say, I mean, Nick is like a bad looking guy, but Joel McKayle is much better looking. Well, and heís shredded. I mean, Joelís shredded.

Like, he found a lot of reasons. But even without even the body stuff aside, his face and his hair are better. All of it is better. But he would say at the time, because Iíve known him for years, that if he wants to work in comedy, he canít have the same last name as another famous comedian.

Which I was like, this is such a stretch. And it looks so much like him. It was really crazy. What do you think it is for Mitch? Heís just like a nice... Yeah, how did Mitch get trapped? Like, what does he have on Mitch? Because Mitch is just like a funny, nice guy.

Yeah, I know. So talented. Yeah, a really sweet guy. And sort of a genius. Yeah, heís... Heís kind of a genius. Yes. I donít know.

Pretty crazy. Oh, my God. They were so mean and vicious and even catty. I mean, they must have been talking about some jerk like Papa John or the orange buffoon in the White House. His spirit. Who were they talking about here?

It was clearly you. No. Nick, it was very clearly you. No, it's impossible. It ain't no Papa John. It ain't no orange buffoon. It's you. Those guys are my friends.

No. No. No. Yes. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas. Weiger was sweating and scared with visions

he couldn't believe. He'd rather it Jared from Subway visit it. It called Christmas Eve. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. It was a dream. All of it. There were no ghosts. The only apparition was in my mind.

I couldn't believe. Now to get back to sleep. Sleep soundly in my bed. Hmm. Who's there? What's going on? Oh, no, wait. Is this another case of the rumblies?

Oh, I shouldn't eat in that quesadilla explosion salad from Chili's. It's not the rumblies. It's another ghost. Who are you? Richard? Who are you who have come to my bed chamber? Hello, Nick.

Mitch? It's me, a spoon man. Are you the ghost of Doe Boy's future? That's right. The ghost of Doe Boy's future. You're just Mitch. It's just me. It's just you.

Hi. I have a big cloak. Did you die? Eh, it's kind of like my soul. When you thought, the years when you thought that I was having a heart attack a few times. Right. Well, part of my soul kind of died. Got it.

And became a ghost. Okay. And the rest of me just stayed alive. I'm just basically, you know, the Mitch you know is basically just a shell. I mean, that tracks. Yeah. That actually 100% tracks with my experience with you. Yeah.

So that's fine. That shell, it can't cry or it doesn't have any emotions. But you're just, I just want to, like you're just the guy, you just like walked into my apartment. The valley is like a sleep right there. And you're just like in our bedroom. Yeah. I mean, other Mitch exists.

But I, yeah, no, I walked in. I don't have any ghost powers. Did I give you a key? At one point you did. That's right. I gave you a spare key just in case. And I guess I thought you'd never use it. But yeah, you had it.

So here we are. Okay. Well, yeah. I mean, do you have like a, are you going to hold my hand and we're going to fly into space? Or do you have a ghost train we're going to hop on? No. It's an Uber pool.

Oh, okay. And it's 15 minutes away. We got to wait 15 minutes for a share to Uber. Uh-huh. Can I, I mean, can I see your app real quick? Yeah. Here you go. It says our driver Armin is driving a Hyundai.

And he should be here. Yeah. Oh, it's Armin Weitzman? Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. I didn't realize it was that Armin. The picture is so dark.

Unless you want to fucking order another Uber. Yeah. You know what? All to here. I'll take my, I actually use Lyft. Jesus. Okay. My Lyft app.

All right. And okay. Hey, you know, hey, there we go. A Lyft, a regular Lyft that we'll have all to ourselves. All right. Fine. It'll be here in one minute. Let's walk outside.

Okay. Fine. So you sleep in a bedroom separate from your wife, huh? I mean, we have, I mean, we have a partition in the, it was one bedroom at some point. We put up a curtain to sort of partition it to give each other our privacy. But yes, we, I guess you could say there's separate, we sleep in separate beds in separate rooms if you want to be literal about it. Is that because of your early bedtime or what?

I mean, I go to bed at very early. I did. Yeah. I, that's, no, it's not just that, but yes, that's a factor. I do go to bed earlier than her. I won't ask for the other factors. Okay. Here's our Lyft.

Here we go. Oh, this is also, this is another Armin. Yeah. Not the same one. No. Not the same one. Yeah. That's not saying anything.

Okay. Well, we'll just say, hey, Armin, we'll let you be. We're going to have a little private conversation in the back of your very nice Honda fit here. Nick, the first stop will be at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Oh man. That is, I mean, I guess at this time of night, you can make pretty good time, but yeah, that's a little bit far away. Oh yeah.

No, I'm just telling you where we're going. Okay. We might have to talk for a few minutes. Hey, Armin, do you want to, I think it'll be faster, like I think, you know, it looks like you're taking Olympic, but I think if you go down to the 10, I think it'll be faster this time of night because it should be clear. Hmm. He's just daring dead ahead.

I think he heard you. Yeah. Hey, I can, I mean, I got Google Maps open here. It looks like the traffic is pretty clear on the 10. So I don't, I don't know if you're using ways or whatever, but I just like, I'm just saying I know this area. I would say probably faster. Fine.

I'm going to use my fucking skeleton powers. All right. Let's just get there immediately. Whoa. Did you have skeleton powers? Yeah. You call me a big fat guy all the time. I'm actually as thin as a skeleton.

Look under my robe. Wow. I quit jacking off. You're creep. Sorry. All those bones gave me one of my own. Anyways, come, follow me, Nick. No, don't come literally.

Okay. Follow me, Nick. All right. I was just edging. To this grave, a grave of the future. Okay. Future grave. Okay.

Still, there's no flashing lights on it. It's still just an old fashioned gravestone, marble with things, you know, what's it called? Etchings. Etchings. Yeah. It's etched into it. But look at the name for Christ's Sakes. Let's see.

Let's Nicholas Frank Weigher, the, the, the, the, that's me. That's right. Hey, you know what? I could get used to this. Well, after the podcast ended, you ballooned up. You're fatter than me. I got fatter after we stopped doing Doughboys. Yeah.

You got fatter after we stopped doing Doughboys. Wow. It was impossible. Wait a minute. Here I thought that this podcast was hurting my health. But maybe what's actually the issue is that this podcast is helping my health by giving me an outlet to eat unhealthily. That's right.

Huh. You can't control yourself. You ate like crazy. You fucking died. Oh my God. I ate myself to death. No one came to your funeral. No one?

Not even my wife or my parents? Nope. Not my brother Nate? Nope. Not my nieces and nephews? Episode nine came out that day. None of my sketch 101 students? Oh, they were all, they were all at episode, episode nine?

That was the issue? You know who did come? Joe Saunders. Oh, that's nice. He was the only one who came. I never had Saunders as a student though, but I guess we're just, we're friends. Yeah. Yeah, he was there.

Well, that's nice of him. He was there all alone. Thanks, Joe. Anyways, you're in there. You're probably decaying. Oh my God. So Doe Boys perhaps is what's keeping me alive and as frustrated as I am with you. Yeah, that I'm a good guy.

You are a, you are a force for good. You're a force for keeping my marriage together and keeping me healthy. That's right. Oh, speaking of your marriage, Skeleton Power. Check it out. It's Palmerston Place. Hey, wait a minute. Did you have an extra story on this apartment?

I did. Wow. You're living large. I own all of Palmerston Place. Oh my God. The entire street. Wow. That's right.

This is like a when Biff and Back to the Future too. Exactly. This really worked out for you. Except I'm a good guy. Of course. Yeah, I guess so. You may notice that the main road is now a slip and slide. Oh my God.

How fun is that? That's all. Hey, you know, everyone's having the time of their lives. No one drives on the street anymore. It's semi-dangerous. Right. Anyways, look inside. Okay, well.

Look at that. It's me on the couch and I'm making out with some lady. Making out with some lady? I don't know who they could be. You son of a bitch. That's my widow. That's right. You and Natalie have gotten together?

That's right. No. We get together. That's disgusting. I married Natalie. I want to puke. What do you mean? I'm making her happy.

Oh God. She's happier than you. Look at her. She's smiling. Wait a minute. She's just happy that someone is giving her attention. That's right. That someone is not preoccupied with his co-host and thinking about how miserable he makes

him and that's affecting his marriage. Instead, it's someone who's just completely dedicated to her. That's my problem. I'm so focused on Mitch. I forget about my own beautiful wife. That's 100% right. I also read that line. Mitch, do I have to?

She looks happier. That's right. She is. She's happier with you than with me. That's right. Anyways, I think I'm out of stuff to show you already. You just had that. You showed me my own grave and then you showed me that.

I'll show you some more stuff. To Ferrell. Skeleton power. Ferrell audio. Here we are. Wow. Ferrell audio is a skyscraper. That's right.

That's crazy. So I thought Doe Boys was such a hit show for the platform, but apparently it was an albatross. Hold on. You thought that? I mean, I never looked at the downloads or whatever. I just sort of assumed. Yeah. No, no, it's bad.

Okay. All right. So it really was an anchor. And then when they got rid of it, they just took off. Wow. And Usong is now an in-demand writer. He created the next Friends. Friends 2?

Friends 2. Wow. Starring Joey 2, Rachel 2, Ross 2. Chandler 2, I assume. It's Chandler 2 and Claire. There's a new character. Oh, interesting. They didn't bring Phoebe back.

They added Claire instead of Phoebe. I mean, you got to change the formula up a little bit. I mean, that's why Usong does so well. Anyways, it's a dystopia. Dystopia, I guess. Actually, it's kind of nice. No, this sounds like a utopia. Yeah, this seems great.

Dystopia would be bad. This seems like everyone's lives have improved. Yeah. Well, my point is become less grumpy and know that the Spoonman is good or it'll be better if you're dead, Nick. Wow. If only I could learn to appreciate you, Mitch. I could learn to understand what you bring to the table and that this is a partnership.

I'm not a one-man band. No. I'm part of a duo. Yeah. You can't suck your dick on your own. You need two people to do it. Well, I mean, that's a person by person thing. Anyway, I'm going to push you into a grave now.

Go. Wow. With a thunderous clap, Nick awoke in his bed, relieved to discover he was not angry. He was actually dead. Mitch. Ghost. Toe Boy's future. What?

I'm alive. And I'm home. In my own personal bed. In a separate room for my wife. All those spooky ghostlies were right. I need to change my ways. Thank you, ghosts. Thank you for showing me the light.

Nick sprung from his bed, ran to the window and opened it quick. It was Christmas morning. No time to suck his own dick. You, young hunk, what day is today? It's Christmas day. Then I didn't miss it after all. Here, take the Doe Boy's Amix and buy yourself the hottest salad you can find. Gross.

What's your issue anyways? I mean, why didn't you know today was Christmas? Why didn't you just check your phone or something? Like checked it. Oh, I guess I could have seen that it was December 25th on my phone. The fact that you're even just asking what day it is. Right. It's other, it's not an ordinary day.

You know what I mean? Well, here's the thing. And just, and you wouldn't know, why would you know this? But just a little context for you. I really don't have time to sit here and listen to this, but I'll give you like a minute. Okay. Why? Are you on your way to the gym?

You look like you're... No, it's Christmas. I'm on my way to see my fucking family. Okay. I just like, you know, you're obviously in good shape. So I just like, I figured you'd be kind of probably kind of a gym rep or something. Yeah, let me back up a second when you called me a hunk. What's that about?

I just, I was just saying like, just remarking, you're kind of on your, you're just a, you're a good looking guy and you're in great shape. And it doesn't matter. I'm married, dude. Okay. Hey, I'm married too. There's always trying to say, little bit of context for you. I had like this crazy nightmare last night where I was visited by three ghosts.

And so what you're getting, what you're experiencing right now is me just having woken up from like, this nightmare that has caused me to reevaluate so many decisions in my life. Honey, I'll be there in like five minutes. I'm just, I went to get bagels for breakfast and this guy's just talking to me. And anyway, so... He's yelling out the window at me. So what's happened is that I've kind of like had like... I got the everything bagel.

I kind of had an experience to... You're always on my shit about that stuff. Someone referred to this as like a moment of... You say, you never listen. I always listen. A moment where I've kind of realized... In fact, I got you a special coffee just for you. That perhaps I'm at a turning point in my life.

I was going to surprise you with it, but now I'm going to dump it down the fucking drain. And you're the first person I've seen. I love you. I love you. I looked out the window and there was a person out there. I guess I was just kind of reaching out to you just to have, just try to have some sort of personal connection. And I just, it just happened to be you. So it's partly coincidence, but...

But yeah, that's basically why I was so disoriented. And maybe just what didn't think to check my phone as I normally would. All right, man. Well, Merry Christmas, I guess. So what is, like, do you swim? Do you run? Like, what do you do exactly? I've been doing yoga and that's helped me out a lot.

But I don't know if it's helped me build strength so much. It has just kind of been general fitness. To be honest, I've been sick lately. And I've just kind of losing a lot of weight. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. It's nothing bad. It's nothing like... Right.

It's just, it was like this thing that kind of like... It's like this intestinal disease where it's hard for you to eat. Jesus. You have diarrhea a lot. Oh my God. That is, that's horrible. But you were like before that, you were still like, you clearly had some sort of fitness regimen. Because it's basically...

I was a hefty, I was a husky guy. So you're the first person that's actually listening to me talk about this problem. My wife never listens. Hey, you know, that's been a problem of mine. I don't listen to my podcast co-host. I just steamroll over him thinking that I'm the one who has all the good things to say. And I can just discard his thoughts. Maybe I do need to do a better job of listening to people.

Maybe that's the lesson I needed to take away from this. Wow. I really hope it works out for you guys. Hey, can you just get like a picture? A picture of me? Yeah, just like, you don't have to come up here or anything. I mean, you can come up here. You just want to take a picture of me?

I just, yeah, if I could like just get like a, you know, like you just, maybe you're like, you know, you got that bag of bagels. Could you like, it's just sort of like, it's like kind of heavy. Like you're just kind of holding it. Sure. Sure. Okay, yeah. Merry Christmas.

Yeah, it looks good. Looks real good. All right. Hey, thanks. Okay. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Geez, the things I go through every day in this weird town.

Nick rushed to his car to drive to Palmerston from the bay, but there was a change in his ride. He'd listened to music this day. Nick arrived down at Palmerston night and he opened the door and gave a big laugh. Oh, ho, ho. Weiger, what the fuck? Merry Christmas, Mitch. I'm sorry.

You were right about everything. Oh man. Thanks, Nick. I know. I'm actually the smarter one of the podcast. It's true. What's up, Burger Brigade? Hey, Spoon Nation.

The Doughboys are coming to you live in 2019. CS in San Francisco, the San Francisco sketch fest on January 18th. In Saskatoon, Saskatchewan at wind eruption on January 26th. And in Portland, Oregon, at Listen Up Portland on February 16th. For tickets and info, go to headgum.com slash live. That was a headgum podcast.