Doughboys - Doughlympics: Dunkin' Donuts v. McDonald's v. Starbucks with Sean O'Connor

Episode Date: August 18, 2016

A coffee battle boils over in a melee between the three biggest java chains with this week's guest, comedian and Late Late Show writer Sean O'Connor. Chairman Evan Susser opens the show with a bombshell, prompting intern Yusong Liu into action. Plus: the debut of the International House of Hot Takes.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In July 1980, the simmering Cold War between the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. reached its symbolic nadir as the International Olympic Committee's awarding of the Games to Moscow inspired an American-led boycott of the competition. With 65 countries refusing to participate due to the ongoing Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, the competition was a shell of its normal self with most of the elite athletes sidelined. At the closing ceremonies, a jumbo-sized idol of Misha, the Games' grizzly bear mascot, was rigged with helium balloons and untethered to ascend out of the stadium and high into the night sky as a weeping crowd saluted and waved, a surreal end to a sham Games waged

under a totalitarian state. And today as the sun sets on a similarly disastrous 2016 DOLYMPICS, we turn to the beverage associated with the sunrise, the morning, a new beginning, and hopefully, a brighter future. The warm drink made from roasted beans native to tropical Africa that became a global sensation. The combatants? A triad of behemoths which comprise the three biggest coffee retailers in the U.S., selling a combined $750 million worth of hot brown annually and ranking as the first, third, and seventh-biggest chains in America respectively.

McDonald's, the golden arches that shorthand for U.S. food culture. Starbucks, the ubiquitous Seattle-based coffee house that took its name from the chief mate in Moby Dick, and Dunkin' Donuts, the pride of decrepit cesspool and more rundown version of Lowell known as Quincy, Massachusetts. This week on Doughboys, the third and final week of the 2016 DOLYMPICS Susser Games, Coffee Division. Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants. We're a part of Ferrellaudio.com.

The best way to support ours and other shows in the network is to use the referral link on our website anytime you shop at Amazon. I'm Nick Weiger, alongside my co-host, Richard Karnes, River Bloated Corpse, Mike Mitchell, and I'm your Spoon Man. Jesus Christ. How are you, Mitch? I'm thrown off already. You're not in the best of moods.

You weren't in the best of moods coming in. You came in kind of hot. I came in hot. This whole thing. Yeah. I just want to give a big fuck you to Weiger. I mean, two, I'm sorry, a fuck you to Weiger, that just came out, I meant to say Susser. A big fuck you to Susser and to you, Weiger.

Right. One, what was this, DOLYMPICS? Why did we do it? Two, he left town. He's not here for his namesake games. He's not here for the final episode of this shitty idea that he had. Three, you recorded the intro right now with me not in the room, and you're throwing me off here.

The rhythm's a little off. Well, you came here a little late. You had some car trouble. I got a flat tire. Right. Triple A is supposed to be there in under half an hour. They took a full hour. I love Triple A, so they've helped me out before, but I don't want to speak ill of them.

The guy was a great guy. He helped me out. It was great. Yeah, Roadside Assistants was maybe a little clogged this morning. So it took a full hour. Right. I drove over the second nail in the last two months for whatever reason. Then I have to go to Dunkin' Donuts, which you guys don't put together that Dunkin'

Donuts is new out here. Yeah. So the wait at Dunkin' Donuts is like 20 minutes to get anything. So I'm fucking tasked with going to this fucking Dunkin' Donuts. It's 20 minutes away already, and then there's a huge fucking line, and fucking Susser should be here getting it anyways, that piece of fucking shit, asshole, and it's fucking $40, and I was just mad all around. Well, we're going to get Susser on the phone in one second.

We don't want to keep our guests waiting too long. Real quick, I want to acknowledge Matt Brown at some clever pun who sent in that Mitch Roast. If you want to roast the Spoonman, roastspoonman at gmail.com is your address, and I'm sure you have a drop to play, Mitch. I do. I just want to say... To Spoon Nation.

Here is Jared Fogle. You may have seen him on the news. It's time to complete his training. That is fucked up. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Aye. oni and that's it. Here's the thing. I like them when there's an arc to it. This is more just sort of an incoherent audio montage. Well, here's my issue with this one. That was from Jesse Carp at Jesse Carp on Twitter.

And he also says, thanks for the show guys. It's great. So it's been nice. Yeah. It's a good, I mean it was good. I just feel like there was, there was almost a thread of Jared Fogle as the Zodiac killer, which I thought would have been interesting. We kind of just explored that thoroughly.

I appreciate Uncar Plutt anytime he's present. Are you breaking down this drop? When we are finishing up maybe the worst thing in podcast history. You're right. I am in no shape to criticize. All right. Let me get up. I just want to quickly say, Jesse Carp, but he told me in the email, he said, Deflate

Gate was BS, Wendy's Forever. And the title was Patriots Drop for the Spoonman, but there was no Patriots talk. That's a little weird. That was, you know what he did? Jesse, good job. What the fuck? He was trying to get you to play it, knowing that you wouldn't listen to it ahead of time. And if you just put Patriots in the subject line, it would get on the air for sure.

Listen, we're going to go a little long today because we've got a lot to talk about. Well, we'll see. All right. I'm dialing Evan Sester right now. He's in Pittsburgh, I believe. He should stay. Hello. This is the chairman.

Hi, Evan. How are you? I'm okay, guys. How are you? You seem a little down. Mitch's, I would characterize him as furious today. I understand. I have a brief statement I'm going to read and then I'll take questions.

All right, go ahead. Okay. All right. I'm just hanging up. I'm a big man to recognize when he has fallen short. And I am nothing if not a big man. That's true. The criticisms of the Doe-Olympic Cessar games have been deafening.

Complaints ranging from the fundamental premise, the heavy reliance on doing math, unnecessary time-lapse, and of course, the fry-counting segment have flooded the Doe-Olympic committees inbox. While I believe some of these criticisms to be fair and some unfair, I am nevertheless taking action. Effective immediately, I am stepping down as chairman. As chairman of the Doe-Olympic committee. Oh my God.

I am appointing Doe-Boys' intern youth song as interim commissioner until the committee can appoint a new permanent one. You song just buried his head in his hands. This is an update. Go on. It is my great hope that this change in leadership will result in a better, more satisfying Doe-Olympics. Finally, as a final point of clarification, while I am stepping down as Doe-Olympic chairman, I am not stepping down as commissioner of the tournament of champions or being in charge

of any future bullshit. All right, questions? You know, I think in the interest of keeping things moving, I'm going to bypass my own question. Do you have any questions, Mitch? No, I just think it's bullshit that you're putting all this shit onto you song who wasn't responsible for this fucking mess of a Doe-Olympics and now he has to clean up your mess. You know, I hear that, but at this point I don't know what much more I can do other than

resign and let somebody else carry the torch. Well, you know what? The Salt Lake City Olympics were famously disastrous and then they brought in future presidential candidate Mitt Romney to take over and he saved the games. Is Mitt Romney here? Well, I think you song is the closest. Yeah, when I look into the eyes of you song, I see the soul of Mitt Romney. I've said that many times before.

You have said that a lot. For you song, don't listen to this. It's terrible. And I believe that's true. And you song, sorry to spring this on you on the episode without telling you in advance, but I was very concerned about leaks, especially coming from, you know, Joe Saunders of Aftergo with Joe. Oh, so that's the reason you didn't tell him until just now that he's taking over.

Okay. That's fair. And does this how does this impact real quick? Just just one question. Then we're going to let you go. How does this impact the Susser game segment of this week's podcast? Well, I think that, you know, first of all, maybe they should be called the use on games. Okay.

At this point. Okay. You know, I think that's what as my final act, I think what you guys should do is do something that's a little more in the spirit of what everybody wanted and was expecting out of the Olympics. My suggestion is talking about which country has the best food. Yes. Right.

And perhaps the best way to do this is, you know, something inspired from the Dave Ferguson episode where you did a draft. How about a fantasy auction where you'll each be awarded 100 sus bucks. To bid on a different country's cuisine in during the game section. And of course, use on concern as auctioneer during these proceedings. That sounds like a huge mess. I was going to say, just do a draft, which I suggested. By the way, Susser, you're an idiot.

And also I say whoever wins, I say that we take a vote and whoever wins this, this fantasy draft gets 100 real sus bucks out of Susser's wallet. What do you say to that, Susser? I will say to this, if you want to put a poll on Twitter after this episode, there is between you, Nick and Sean. Yes, I will give 100 real sus bucks to whoever wins. All right. All right.

I love it. All right. Have a good episode. Spoon nation. Vote for me, baby. Bye, Susser. Thank you, Susser. Okay.

Wow. Wow. The bombshell. Like David Stern handing the reins off to Adam Silver, you song has ascended into the chairman role. That's true. Now, I just want to say that this Olympics has been a huge mess. Yes.

It's been bad. Like I said, I had that flat tire and then I had a rush over to Dunkin' Donuts, which was packed, get all this stuff. Everyone had to get stuff. So I wasn't alone on this. Right. I had a very popular Dunkin' Donuts. I left.

Rob Hubel was in his car outside and he saw me with all the stuff and he said, hey, I think you should go get Dunkin' Donuts. And then I invited him to be on Doe Boys. It's just been a, it's been a mess, but last week I feel like I went a little overboard. Right. I think a lot of people online said, oh, you guys are joking about ending the podcast at the end of 2006. I just want to make it clear.

That's not a joke. We were being very serious. You said 2006. Jesus Christ. Yes. My brain is done for. 2016. Right.

That's not a joke. We should have ended it in 2006, meaning our lives. In 2017, maybe, we'll see what happens. So I just wanted to say this because I want to just say that I felt like I got too negative. Yes. I have a big heart, Nick. You know this. Yes.

I have a big heart. Probably literally and figuratively. And I'm very fond of the friends and family and the supporters and people who support my comedy or any creative endeavors, I guess. Right. I'm very thankful for those people. They've helped me get through life. I just am a man who always is, I always want more out of life in a kind of, maybe I'm greedy

or selfish or something, but I always want more, whether it's high school or college or my 20s or whatever my career, I always want more. So I'm very critical of myself. Threshold. Threshold syndrome or something. I think so. Yeah. Why can't high school be like dazed and confused?

Why can't college be like Animal House? And why can't your 20s be like, what's the 20s? A movie about your 20s. A movie about your 20s. Singles. Why can't your 20s be like singles? You know what I mean? You know, it might have some insight into this.

Our guest who's been waiting very patiently, surprisingly hasn't just stood up and laughed. A very, very funny stand up comic writer for the Late Late Show with James Corden. The great Sean O'Connor is here. Hi Sean. Hey guys, how are you? Sean, thank you for coming. Wow. Thank you for sitting through all that bullshit.

No, I really was. The one I just said, I just opened my heart. No, I wasn't saying, I was saying every, the call was says early. Okay. You were being very earnest. You were being very open. I know that you were, it is funny to me that you, in lieu of reassuring the fans that the podcast is not ending, you doubled down on letting them know that you want to end the

podcast. But you, you were a little hyperbolic last week. I get that. I found it compelling. Yeah. Hearing Mitch just open up, I really thought he was going to pull out a gun from a Manila envelope. Take his life right here.

I know that I'm very thankful and lucky to have the people I've had in my life and people who support us. And so I just wanted to make that clear. Right. I'm very happy with that. And I have had a good, but I do, I always do strive for more. And that's just, that's an issue I have, I guess, of myself. I'm always disappointed in myself.

So that's where a lot of that came from last week. Maybe the disconnect is between you wanting more and between you actually striving for more. Because I think, I think you just may not exert the actual effort that would constitute a strive. Why? When people say this to me all the time, I do. That's true. You are, you are, you are a guy who puts some, some work into things.

Oh my God. So Sean, thank you so much for coming to the podcast. I know you're a listener and I know when we talked before on Twitter about you coming on, one restaurant that you floated is Shake Shack. Love Shake Shack. What, so when did your Shake Shack affair, love affair begin? I lived in New York. Right.

A season sorry I had a bit about Shake Shack. I was like, what is Shake Shack? I went, I sat online for two hours. I had it and I went back and sat online for two hours the next day. Wow. Yeah. I really like Shake Shack. That's a commitment.

In LA, I'm kind of over Shake Shack. I've had it five times in two months. That's too much. Yeah. That's excessive. So what round? Because I don't remember when Shake Shack initially launched sometime in the 2000s, right? Yeah.

Like two, let's say 2006. 2006. Yeah. That feels roughly in the ballpark and it was just like it was out here when the first location opened. It was a sensation for a time. Oh, it still is. It still is.

Okay. I'm a fan and we have a Shake Shack at City Field. Oh, wow. And you can't watch the game if you want Shake Shack. The line is two hours long there. So like you have to either show up two hours before the game or just miss the game to eat Shake Shack. Is it a stadium caliber Shake Shack or is it like a legit Shake Shack?

Legit Shake Shack. Wow. That's great. Shake Shack is a great company too. They have two in the Delta Terminal at JFK. It's Wifi Delta back home. I have like, I don't know. I think I might be autistic or something.

Like I really love Shake Shack. Well, that would make two out of the three people in the room. No, Shake Shack is great. It's better than in and out as I've said before. Yeah, I agree. I was really, really bummed out during Tournament of Champions. Yeah. Twice.

I was bummed out. What was your initial time? Did it got, what was the first time you got bummed? Because Shake Shack lost in the finals. Oh yeah, Five Guys was inexplicably lost to Burger King. Yeah. Which I still don't get. Inexplicably, it was the right move that day.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I stand by it. I think Five Guys is so solid that it deserved to be in the, and it ultimately got its way back in the tournament. It got back in. And then ultimately in and out one just like you wanted it to. Yeah. The only way though as a listener, it was the only time I doubted my allegiance to Spoon

Nation was that Five Guys episode. Oh shit. Shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know what? I do, I like Five Guys. We got it back in.

I thought it was only fair. Yeah. The Whopper from Burger King is really good. It's a real, Whopper is great. I don't know. I don't think so. Really? It's good.

The Whopper is good. Well, whatever. That's not what this is about today. It's good. The Whopper is good. I just, I don't know. Let's not rehash another thing. So what is, is the Olympics just a test to see if we can all sit for an hour and a half

and not shit our pants? Because we did fucking Taco Bell, Del Taco, and Chipotle last week. And then all those real tests the week before. And now all fucking coffee and shit this week. Yes. A lot of dairy today. Yeah. I've been doing these like weird throat clearing silent burps.

Where I think I'm about to find out that I can't have milk. Yeah. I mean, whatever. It's, it was, it was a full mess. I've never seen Susser wanted to do this and then didn't seem to care at all in any way. So I don't know why we did it. But you know what?

It's a disaster. We're in the home stretch. We're in the home stretch. It's almost over. And despite the fact that I got upset last week, we won't end it anytime soon. I just want to make that. The overall podcast. We plan to continue it indefinitely for now.

Yeah. Indefinitely for now. And if not, if you want out, Saunders is on deck. Good. That's great. So Sean. That would be great for people who can't sleep. So Sean, you mentioned you're a Mets fan.

What are your, your preferred stadium eats? Oh, all right. Well, city field at city field. I love, uh, they have a Momofuku chicken sandwich. Oh, wow. Oh man. So good. There's never a line because I think like people from Long Island have no taste or something.

They don't like the finer things of life. But like, if I'm at Dodger Stadium, I go Dodger dog. Definitely. Right. I think that's a pretty perfect, uh, hot dog. Um, chicken fingers at any stadium. Yeah. That's a solid pick.

Staple center, Ludo bird. Ludo is great there. It's the best. That might be my top stadium eat. It's so weird to me that they, that stadium food has just gotten like kind of fancier and like kind of a high end and it's, it's weird. Right. I mean, like I like it, but then I also don't like it.

But it's super weird because they're also like scaling back on like the things that should be shitty. Like, you know how like you're getting like a fancier chicken sandwich, but you now also get like worse cheese with your nachos. Sure. You know what I just want? Like the Staple Center nacho cheese is just, it sucks. I want like movie theater nacho cheese.

Yeah. Where it's like, it's really bad and you're not sure if it's cheese or not. It's just yellow. I like that. Yeah. I, I had a, I went to a Lakers game with, um, Armin Weitzman and David Phillips and we had- Wait, what?

Really? Yeah. I think you might have, actually you might have been there. Or it might have been Cassidy was the fourth person. Armin brought someone and then me and David went. This is- Oh, all right. And we sat separately.

Okay. And David sat in one, in one section. Armin sat in another section with Cassidy. I felt left out. All right, cool. But anyway, um, I had an, I had an incident where I had, I got the nachos, I got that Staple Center nachos with that nacho cheese and I got a, I got some of it on the sleeve of my jacket, like this track jacket and it was a stain that would not go away.

Wait, was it the jacket I gave you? No, it's a different track jacket. This is a Nike track jacket. What the hell were you wearing the jacket that I gave you? This predated you giving me the Lakers track jacket for Christmas, which was very, very nice of you. It was very, it was a very nice gift. You gave me it.

Mitch gave me for last Christmas, he gave me a Lakers track jacket, a Ditas track jacket. Very, very nice. Has all the championship banners on the, on the arms. And then he also gave me a, a custom made t-shirt that I think said Weiger with the number 69. And what did it include on it? I think it said, my name is Nick and I'm a dumb asshole. You guys have custom text?

Yeah. I think it was like dumb fat fuck or something. Dumb fat fuck. Yeah. That's right. I'm a good man. I give nice presents. You gave him.

This podcast has turned me into a villain. Yes. And I, it's just driving me insane. You gave me a thoughtful gift paired with a, with a gag gift that was just like a L.A. soul throw in, but I did get it in an unwrapped cardboard box with a shipping label still on it. Was this, you have to criticize me still. I was very nice bitch.

I was going to embrace being a villain. I don't like, I don't like anyone anymore. I don't like you. Yeah. I like this podcast. Fuck you. You're, you're, everything I do, you just got to criticize me just a little bit. You got to turn the fucking screw.

By the way, I'm an outsider. I'm an outsider, but I think Weigar is actually the villain. Hmm. Thank you. Interesting. I think he's more of an emotional bully. Yes. Right.

And he's now making you feel like you're the bully. I feel like I'm going insane. I feel. I think you're a good guy. Like I listened to this podcast and I'm like, wow, Mitch and I have so much in common. Thank you God. I'm the nicest boy in the world. You're a very nice man.

So what I hear is, I don't want you to be all upset like you're a good guy. I won't, I won't embrace any villainy then. I just, it's been, it's been testing. It's been, it's been the last few months have been, or like, I guess just this last month has been trying. Yeah. It's been, we, I think we had a good stretch where things were going pretty smoothly. This got a little, it was a little much doing this.

Let's get into the Olympics. Let's get this shit over with and then we can move on with our lives. Get that Spike TV show. So we had a, we had a, this week we talked about coffee and the way we've done all of these is we've gone with the three biggest chains in that sector. So this is maybe the one where if you're just looking at it on the surface, you might see like something of a disconnect between McDonald's, Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks. But if you look at the numbers in the same way that Pizza Hut, Papa John's and Domino's

and Del Taco, Taco Bell and Chipotle were the three biggest in the pizza and Mexican sectors, respectively. Same situation with these three chains in the coffee sector. A little bit of trivia, fourth biggest coffee seller in the US, 7-Eleven, which tracks. So the way this works, we're going to do, we're going to do some people like actual food news on this podcast, some of our listeners. So we're going to, the same way we're doing it, we're going to pay, we're going to spend three minutes per category discussing each of these chains.

And we'll give our ratings, our categories are sweet pastry, ice blended mocha, breakfast sandwich, and finally hot coffee. We'll start with sweet pastry, hey you song, you are going to, oh, you song is going to be tight. Look, look how on the ball he is. It's going to be so much smoother this week. It's going to be great. All right.

All right. He's shaking his head. Okay, you song. We'll begin our discussion of sweet pastry starting now. So we got a few different ones here. This is maybe the most divergent category. We had, we had a glazed donut from Dunkin Donuts, an apple pie from McDonald's and an apple fritter from Starbucks.

Sean, what were your thoughts on the sweet pastry category? Okay, so a glazed donut from Dunkin Donuts is a donut I've had probably my entire life. I grew up in New Jersey. All we have is Dunkin Donuts there. Eight so many glazed donuts, all different forms, donut, munchkin, those two. So as I was eating it, something didn't translate from east coast to west coast. It was like kind of stale and dry. It was cakeier than it should have been and like it wasn't fully glazed.

They only glazed the top, which is not what they do on the east coast. It's fully glazed. It's fully glazed. Yep, you're right. It was a little, just interject real quick. For me, it was like the difference between when you get Krispy Kreme like at the store kiosk versus a Krispy Kreme in store. Exactly.

It felt like a knockoff, like they didn't fully buy Dunkin Donuts. So it was kind of bummed out by that. Something fell wrong. Yeah, I agree with you. It was a big swing and a miss for me because that was the one I was most excited about. But then you go to the Apple Pie from McDonald's and I think they've changed it a little bit since we were kids, where I think now they openly admit that they deep fry them, but that was like going home again.

That's like listening to any Bon Jovi song you are. You time travel back to being a six-year-old riding a bike. I love that. And then the Apple Froder from Starbucks. I'm not a big fan of Starbucks pastries, but I felt it was a bit dry. I feel like every Starbucks pastry has that same stale quality, which we surprisingly experienced with the Dunkin Donuts. But every Starbucks pastry, in fact, with ours, I saw her go behind the counter and

then take them out of plastic bags and then put them into the paper bags to give the illusion of freshness. Yeah, but they also offer the ability to heat anything, which I think does enhance the flavor. Sure. But when you are getting it fresh out of the plastic, it's so bad. I was really underwhelmed by that one. I think the Apple Froder, for me, it had such a, part of it was so thick and when I bit

into it, it almost had that feeling of undercooked dough. It was just kind of like gummy and just gooey, but not in a satisfying way. And then the Apple Froder, yeah, or the Apple Pie, yeah, I agree with you, but yeah, the Glazed Donut was a big disappointment. I don't know, Mitch, you're a big Dunkin's advocate. What were your thoughts? Yeah, leave it to California to mess up Dunkin Donuts. I felt like it was, I was upset, I was sad, but I also got us a Chocolate Frosted Donut,

which I liked. That was actually great. That was great. And I wonder if it is the glaze that's stalin' up that dough. Yeah, I don't know what's wrong. There was something wrong with just the regular Glazed, and here's the thing, I should have just gotten a bunch of Chocolate Frosted. Nick sent me a lineup of food to get.

And you're telling us to wrap it up, but finish with that. All right, good, well, I feel like I should have gone with something else, but the Starbucks was bad, the Starbucks Donut was surprisingly good, but the Fritter was bad, and then the Apple Pie, I love them, but I don't, jeez, I don't know. I just don't know if, it's just kind of dry and old. You sung is emphatic now, this is the most energetic version. So Mitch, you want to roll right into your scores? We'll start with the Dunkin Donuts, from zero to 6.0.

Okay, from zero to 6.0, if we're judging it based on, I've done a couple of these, if we're judging it based just on the Glazed, it would have been a lot lower, but I'm throwing in the Chocolate Frosted because fuck these dumb Dolimpics. I love Dunkin Donuts. I'm going to give it a 3.2 overall average score because the Chocolate Frosted helped it out. My score for the Dunkin Donuts, I also am going to throw in that Chocolate Frosted because I think these were so divergent, we weren't comparing Glazed Donut to Glazed Donut to

Glazed Donut, we just had three different sweet pastries that are, and I think if we're doing that, I think it's fair to throw in this Chocolate Frosted that you got, which was very, very yummy, and that was definitely the best bite of this sweet bunch. So for that reason, even though the Glazed was a big disappointment, like a stale Intonman's Donut, a caliber Donut, I'm going to go a little higher here and say 3.97. Sean, your thoughts on Dunkin Donuts? Well, I did not take a bite of the Chocolate Frosted. Oh fuck.

Yeah, but I've had Dunkin Donuts so much. Yeah. And it's my parents' favorite thing in the whole world, and because they are supporting Donald Trump, I gave Dunkin Donuts a 2.5. Oh shit. Your parents? Or Dunkin Donuts, the company? No.

Okay. He's Dunkin Donuts. Dunkin Donuts is supporting Trump? No, my parents are. Oh. I know it would hurt them. Right. That I gave it a low score.

Great. All right, next up, Mitch, your thoughts on the McDonald's Apple Pie? The McDonald's Apple Pie is an old standby, and if you get a good one, it's great, but I don't love them. The filling is good. They changed them up, and there's less crust around them now, which I just don't like. It feels like a weird empty shell that the apples sit in now, and I just can't do it. I couldn't do it.

I didn't like it, and I love McDonald's, and I want to give it a better score, but 2.78. Yeah. I like the gooeyness of that apple filling. At the end of the day, it is one of those hostess pies you get at the grocery store just served hot, but I don't know. I was never a big fan of that growing up. I would rather get a Sunday for McDonald's if I'm getting a sweet treat or if I'm getting breakfast, I'd rather get that hash browns.

This was fine. I'm going to say 2.61. Sean, go ahead. Oh, guys, I differ from you. It was kind of cold, so I wanted to duck for that, but I know how good an apple pie is when you just get it at the drive-thru. I mostly eat it before the meal itself because it's so hot and crunchy, and I think if it was hot, it would still be crunchy, and it was still really good dry, so I'm getting

a 6.0. Wow, okay. All right. There it is. I'll score. It's fucking 1. It's 1. It's over with it.

I loved it so much. That's the only thing I ate the whole thing of. Let's run it out with this Starbucks apple fritter. Well, there's only one way to get my Dunkin' Donuts in second place, and it's by saying that Starbucks sucks, which sadly, the donut was actually well done. It was pretty moist if you try that donut, but the fritter was pretty awful, actually. It was not good. Oh, yeah.

I got one glazed donut from Starbucks, which I actually didn't taste. Oh, the donut was good. Yeah. If you bring that bad boy in here, these guys should try it. We might have thrown in the garbage. I want to go lower than McDonald's, but it's just not the case. The donut was better than the apple pie to me, so I have just a 2.8. I didn't taste the donut.

Going off of the apple fritter, I'm with Sean that overall Starbucks pastries are just kind of a disappointment. They're just always meh. They taste like something that you get bulk at Costco. I thought this was just not a tasty treat. For that reason, 1.91 is my score. Sean? Yeah, I agree with Nick agreeing with me.

It was just so underwhelming. I took one bite of it and then put it back into its sleeve because I didn't want a second bite, and that's why I'm giving it a 1.43. All right. Yu Song is totaling the scores. It seems like he might have already done so. He is marching in here. I'm not sure if we have a hot mic for you, Yu Song, but maybe you can lean into Sean's.

So much better than Susser. He's already way more organized. He's coming in here with his laptop. Very serious look on his face. He gets the gravity of this announcement. Yu Song's leaning into Sean's mic. Go ahead, buddy. Okay.

The bronze medal goes to Starbucks. All right. Okay. The silver medal goes to Dunkin' Donuts. Very fair. And with the gold, McDonald's. Congratulations, McDonald's. It's time for your national anthem, Justin Timberlake's I'm Lovin' It.

Hold on. I thought he had it queued up. God damn it. You're pulling a real mitt here. Yeah, this is a classic mitt. Here we go. I'm lovin' it. Can I?

Strangely, he made that into a full song. Can I just deduct points? Actually, Sean, I'm gonna love it. You can deduct points. I don't think you could have deducted enough to fur to change. Well, actually, you could if you wanted to. Yeah, because my initial reaction to that song is minus three. Does that change anything?

Yu Song, where does that put us? He's doing the math? All right, so with the retroactive score with Sean factoring in the Justin Timberlake I'm Lovin' It, that means that our new winner with the gold is Dunkin' Donuts, which means we're gonna hear their national anthem, Drop Kick Murphy's I'm Shippin' Up to Boston. Oh, boy. Yeah.

The Departed. Black Mask, baby. You knew a character from Black Mask, right, Mitch? That is true. Is that a thing you want to talk about? We don't have to talk about it. Sure, we can talk about it. Were you Whitey Bulger's dog walker? I'm in the movie as Whitey Bulger's dog walker.

I was played by Bruce Valanche. No, I, yeah, I knew, I don't think that he listens to the podcast, but a good friend of mine growing up. You don't have to say his name, you can just sit. Was Whitey's crew there? His dad, I'm sorry, his dad was in Whitey's crew. Played by Jesse Plemmons. So there you go, you can go figure it out.

No, but it's dad. I'm gonna get that out if you want. No, that's okay. Hey, it's, I don't think that he listens to the podcast, it's fine. Yeah, worst case scenario. I should just tell the story. I should just tell the whole story, he won't care. Oh, your head's gonna get cut off.

No, he won't care. He was in jail, and he called the, when Wyger knows this, when we were like 16 or something, he was in jail, and he called the house where I was hanging out with my friend, and he was like, hey, tell all those kids over the phone, they better not be messing up the house. He's calling from prison. He's calling from prison, and I was like,

tell them Mitchell's messing up the house, and then he was talking to his wife, and he's like, put that kid on the phone, and I got on the phone, and he's like, hey, as soon as I get out of here, I'm gonna strip you naked, tie you to a tree in the backyard, and then beat you to death. And I was like, oh, my God.

And he goes, I'm just messing with you, buddy. And he started laughing. So I was genuinely, I was like, what the fuck? But it was very funny. It was a funny moment. Irish people are very funny. They are. That's a good bit for a guy in the Irish mob

to threaten your life. At least nice to me. Let's move on. So the next category, Ice Blended. They ended up all being mochas, so I made the Ice Blended mocha category. So we've got Dunkin' Donuts. We've got the small Dunkin' Chino.

McDonald's, we've got the McCafe Frappe Mocha. Frappe Mocha, however you say that. And Starbucks, we've got the Mocha Frappe Chino blended coffee. These are all smalls. Do you song, start the clock. Sean, we'll begin with you. Okay, the Starbucks one. It was a great drink.

I don't really have sweet drinks when I go to Starbucks, but when I was drinking that, I was like, wow, that's a really good drink. And then for Dunkin' Donuts, the Dunkin' Chino, I thought was missing something. I don't know if it was because it was the only one without whipped cream. Or chocolate syrup or something, I feel like.

Exactly. It could have been sweet, but it wasn't. It kind of felt like baby formula iced. You know what I'm talking about? The baby food quality to it. And I'm really sorry to just disparage Dunkin' Donuts. I love it. Yeah, this is rough.

It wasn't great. It was a let down. But then the McDonald's one, Holy Hill. Oh my God, that was a journey. Yeah. It was so good. Yeah, that's my take. Go ahead, Mitch. Sadly, and let me just state this,

I am angry, Dunkin' Donuts I love. And Wiger, you told me the lineup of stuff to get. I shouldn't have listened to you. I should have just gotten stuff that... Because what we got was what was it called? The frozen Dunkachino? Yeah, I looked on the website. And I've been at Dunkin' Donuts a few times.

I've been at Dunkin' Donuts about 10 times in my life, mostly in New York, a couple of times at the locations out here in LA that exist now. And I'm not super familiar with the ice drink menu because like Sean, I'm not someone who gets the sweet drinks. I always just get sort of a normal, hotter iced coffee. But I look on the website and that looked like closest to the ones we were getting from Starbucks

and Starbucks and McDonald's. But what would you have gotten? We should have gotten a coffee coolada. Like a chocolate... Like gotten fucking chocolate sauce in it. Who gives a shit? This is an injustice. And it tasted...

You could tell they were like, oh, okay. And it tasted artificial. It tasted like very powdery, which it was. I saw her putting powder into the blender. Yeah, I think you're completely right. It should have been a coffee coolada chocolate because it was in all different flavors. And I think that would have kind of replicated

what Starbucks was trying to do and what McDonald's did. Yeah. And I think that was too telling, I'm so sorry. But like, yeah, like this one, the dunca chino, yeah, it was such a letdown. Yeah. Especially as a Jack and Jill tie-in.

That's how I recognized it. It was as good as Jack and Jill is as a movie, I guess. Which actually, maybe Jack and Jill is good. I've never seen it. I think you can see it out though. There is a scene in Jack and Jill who we were talking before, the podcast with Al Pacino, does a dunca chino ad in the movie.

He does. And he raps. Oh, man. I need to see it. It's so great. Can we just play the rap? Let me see if I can find it. I'm sure it's not going to get the gold medal. Let's keep talking. And I'll try to find the rap right now.

I'll say that. I disagreed with you on Starbucks. The McDonald's one. It was great. The McDonald's one was a milkshake. And it was really good. It was really great. It was insanely good. And something that you shouldn't ever drink, I feel like.

Yeah, it really was just pure chocolate. Here's the thing I would say. Is that I tasted a little bit... Okay, you song is cutting us off, so roll right into my thoughts. It tasted a little bit of the... It had a little bit of an artificial character to it. Which I sort of got that sweet chemical-y flavor that you sometimes like.

For McDonald's desserts. And that sort of put it just a notch below Starbucks. Which to me also had a little bit of that coffee character. Which I like versus just the purely milkshake character of the McDonald's one. But I agree with you in Dunkin' Donuts. My thoughts on the Dunkin' Donuts small

or the Dunkin' Chino is... Yeah, it just had so much of an ice character to it. It was just so icy. It was like the texture of a slurpee. This is your fault, by the way. Yeah, this is my fault. I got the wrong order. It was such feel-free. But for me, I just thought it was just not very drinkable and pretty bad.

So I'm going to give it a 1.15. Sean, your thoughts? Yeah, for this, I mean, I do want to... I have had a Coffee Cool-Ada chocolate. And I want to somehow combine them, but Dunkin' Chino does need to be punished. So I think I'm going to go

3.13. Okay, still above average. Go ahead, Mitch. 3.134 for the Dunkin' Donuts. Overall, iced drinks, I think. Yeah, I agree with that. I feel like I'm going to go 3.1

for the Dunkin' Donuts. Alright, I'm going to go into my McDonald's thoughts, but I also found this Al Pacino Dunkin' Chino thing from Jack and Jill. I think this is the right scene. I'm going to play this real quick. Wow! Al Pacino! It's not Al anymore! It's

Dunkin' Chino. Don't mind if I do! What's my name? Dunkin' Chino. It's a whole new game. Dunkin' Chino. You want to take a deep breath? Yeah. Say hello to my chocolate blend. At a koo-a-lucky life.

This whole style is out of sight. Pull me back in with Hazelnut 2. Carmel swirl. I know it was you. Everyone wants my Dunkin' Chino. Can't get enough of my Dunkin' Chino. Can't get enough of my Dunkin' Chino. Lying in up for my Dunkin' Chino.

What's my name? Dunkin' Chino. Oh my God! Also, the rap is really good. It's just like a turntable. We're like... Now, in all fairness to the context of the movie, it's presented to Al and he's like,

this is a terrible commercial. It's intentionally bad. But yeah, a lot of fun. The frat mocha, by thoughts real quick, I just echo what you guys said. Yeah, just a really, really, really tasty chocolate milkshake. Like I said earlier, the chemically edness of it makes me

dock a few points. And I like a little bit of a coffee character if I'm eating a coffee drink. But I'm going to say... 4.17. Yeah, I felt it didn't have any coffee notes. Like it did feel to me like a straight chocolate milkshake. And it tasted really great. I also

agree that it did have that McDonald's chemically taste to it. I deducted some points, and that's why I'm giving it a 5.1. I liked it. It was my favorite of the bunch. I'm giving it a... But insane, and I don't think I can trick one ever.

If I'm there, he like diet... I would go into a diabetic coma. I'm feeling weird right now. I think I'm on the verge of maybe having one of my first attacks. I don't know which attack it is. 4.421 for me.

Wow, okay. And then that brings us to the Starbucks Smoky Frappuccino. This was my favorite. Again, I just think these are also punishingly sweet that I can't have them with any sort of regularity. But I think if I was going to get a sweet coffee

chocolate treat, this would be the direction I would go, and for that reason I'm going to give this a 4.9. Yeah, I actually like this one, but I didn't think I would do it. I think it's the workman of the bunch. I think it did a lot.

It tried really hard, and that's why I'm going to give it a 3.5. Very fair. This was my least favorite of the bunch. Interesting. Even worse, as I sipped on the Dunkuccino, I even liked it more. There's something about that

Starbucks coffee taste. There's something with their sweets that you were saying that I don't like. The Starbucks that I just Whatever. It's a 2.78 for me. It wasn't terrible. I get what you're saying. It was kind of like the work horse.

Yeah, it was a utility player. I think if you got three different Starbucks drinks this is the one that does a lot of grunt work. Yeah, he's the Dremond Green of the lineup. He's the one who's going to grab the rebounds and get the assists, but he's not going to be at the top of the scoring charts.

He's the one if you ever get a nail in your tire, it makes a difference. Alright, you song. You're in here now. You've got your laptop open. Go ahead and tell us our winners of this or our medalists of this category.

For the ice blended category, the bronze medal goes to Dunkin Donuts. The silver medal goes to Starbucks. And with the gold, McDonald's. Wow, that means that once again we will hear the national anthem of McDonald's just in Timberlake's I'm Lovin' It.

How long is that song? It's a it's a full length song. It's like three minutes. Three minutes and thirty seconds. I already did a duct at three. One for every minute. You song, where's that put us? I'm quite certain that moves Starbucks

into the winners circle. And for that reason, that means that we are going to hear Starbucks national anthem. As you may know, the TV show Battlestar Galactica had a character named Starbuck and for that reason we will hear the theme

song from Battlestar Galactica. You make fun of me, you shut me down. This actually does sound like a national anthem. Yeah, it does. Maybe it was a good pick after all. You song, this was right, right? Yeah, okay. They won. Congrats, Starbucks.

I try to open up about my life. Right. And you cut me off again. Okay, let's get going with the podcast. And then you take so much dumb time to play fucking a dumb Battlestar Galactica song. Wait, was that what it was? Yeah, Battlestar Galactica.

We can bail on this part of the gimmick at this point. No, we have to play a national anthem. I'm just saying when I try to open my heart up you shut me down and then fuck you, you know what God is here for. I got antsy earlier, specifically I got antsy earlier because Sean was sitting here so long. It was like a 15 minutes before he introduced her again.

He's having fun. I'm having fun. This is like watching season 2 of Lost for me. We got a man of faith and a man of science. I'm sorry, Mitch. I will try to, when you're having an earnest outpouring of emotion,

I will try to give you the floor in the future. Let's move on. Let's move on. It just warms my heart. I'm trying to let you have the floor. Let's move on to breakfast sandwich. So we had the bacon, egg and cheese croissant from Drunken Donuts, the Egg McMuffin

Classic from McDonald's and Bacon Egg and Gouda Ciabatta from Starbucks. We'll begin our time on this one. Now, Mitch, your thoughts. Well, I was happy to see after kind of two, this is like the United States stumbling in like

two events they were favored in and then and then kind of getting back on track because I felt like Duncan's did really well in this category. We're talking sandwiches, right? Yeah, sandwiches. This one was, I'd say this was maybe one of the,

it was close because you're growing up against the Egg McMuffin here, which is just an all-time great. A lot of people love the Egg McMuffin. And if it's done well, it's a Michael Phelps type character, right?

The Egg McMuffin is one of the great breakfast sandwiches. Yeah, even within McDonald's, I would personally prefer that sausage with muffin, but you can't deny the quality of the Egg McMuffin and just sort of like it's kind of the gold standard for breakfast sandwiches. I don't want to ruin anything,

Starbucks showed up. It's not like they folded, but... Yeah, well, this was actually very strange for me because I've never had an Egg McMuffin before. Because you eat at McDonald's at a good amount. Yeah, I love McDonald's, but what I get is a Sausage McGriddle, no egg.

That's my preferred breakfast sandwich. But it's because I don't like McDonald's eggs. They look like it came from like a log of a cartoon character, I. It's like super gross. So I had it for the first time today and I was like, oh, okay,

this is great. Like everything else at McDonald's, it's very good. But I'm very proud to say Dunkin' Donuts, I think, finally translated to the West Coast here with their croissant sandwich. I thought that was like a real treat.

Yeah, this was one, and I trusted you on this one, Mitch. I gave you the leeway to get the breakfast sandwich that you felt was the best. Nika, you had ordered me to get a ham, egg, and cheese on an English muffin. Well, the goal was consistency between them, and I was like,

okay, that's as close to the English muffin as we get as Dunkin' Donuts. But I think it was fair for you to point out that Egg McBuffin's their signature sandwich. You get something approaching a signature sandwich from Dunkin' Donuts as a point of comparison. And this one really delivered. It was delicious. It was good. Yeah, and then Starbucks, yeah, Starbucks,

I like their coffee a lot. And I think their food just like is really lacking. Yeah. The sandwich, like, it just it felt like they had heated it like 12 times. Right. And they put it away, and then kept reheating it. That's how it felt.

Like, the cheese was so melty, like they make it that way, like it's put on the sandwich already melted. I think it's all preassembled, and they just pop it in that oven and heat it up. It just tastes very it's very blend. It's very much like oh yeah, I

ate calories and I got energy for the day or something. Yeah. It's like that soylent. It's like eating soylent, but it looks like a sandwich. But I will say that it's not terrible, too.

I'll stick up for a little bit, because it could be much, it could be worse than it is. And it's not bad, but the other two I think are a little class. Yeah, it was in a difficult fight, because that's just not what their food

in general is not what Starbucks is known for. But this breakfast sandwich in particular, it's a thing they put a lot of money and resources into launching and promoting this line of breakfast sandwiches, so I think it's fair to judge them on it, but I think they're just, they're fine, they're fuel, they're not tasty.

And I do appreciate that Starbucks is trying to show some evolution in their food product game, because like this Starbucks drive-thru, they have like brand new sandwiches that they want you to try, and now they have like a brisket sandwich, or like a prosciutto mozzarella. So I'm like, okay, good.

I want them to keep working on it, but for right now it's just... Always a little fancy, though. Why are they kind of going so fancy? We're out of time. Let's get to our thoughts on this one. Mitch, we'll start with you. This first one will be the Dunkin' Donuts Bacon Egg and Cheese Croissant.

Maybe the best thing we had all day. $5.85 for me. Yeah, it was delicious. It was so tasty that croissant was flaky, nice balance of the meat and the cheese and the egg, and when you get those in the right proportions on a breakfast sandwich,

it just really delivers. Great, great sandwich. $5.8. Yeah, I think it's a perfect chain sandwich. I'd give it a $5.8 as well. Wow. Okay. Hand-olding club for the old... or I guess whatever it is, ballpark buds. Because you gave it a $5.81, we gave it a flat $5.8.

Mine's a $5.82. Hand-olding club and ballpark buds. McDonald's Egg McMuffin. First time I ever had it, you know what, I was really impressed. I think next time I go back, I will be willing to eat an egg at McDonald's, and for that

reason I give it a $4.6. Yeah, it's really good. I think that I would put it maybe third or even fourth behind the Sausage McMuffin with cheese, the Bacon Egg and Cheese Biscuit, and then I think I'd go with the Sausage McGriddles. I think I'd put all those above the

Egg McMuffin, but it's still really solid, and this was a good execution of it from their All Day Breakfast menu. $5.07. Um... I... I was always a big... I was always a fan of the big breakfast for McDonald's. Oh yeah.

When I had the scrambled eggs and stuff. Right. But I will say I love the Egg McMuffin. It's great. It's a classic. It's the... it's the Big Mac of breakfast. It is. Sure, that's fair. Yeah, that's right. You might prefer the Quarter Pounder personally,

but the Big Mac is like the signature lunch item. Yeah. $5.367. Very fair. And then finally we had the Starbucks Bacon Egg and Gouda Chebatta Boring Sandwich with a fancy name. I'm gonna give it a boring score, just right down the middle.

$3.0. I want to give it down the middle, but it was just so underwhelming. Like it was, I think, probably the worst thing I ate today. Wow, I'm surprised. So I'm just gonna give it a 2.1, because I still don't want to... I don't want to

eviscerate Starbucks. I give it a 3.4. I don't mind eviscerating Starbucks even though I'm not. It was just... it was just kind of boring, but it was not terrible. Yeah, I mean, that's... but that's like an overall assessment of Starbucks, right? But not terrible.

There's nothing really bad about Starbucks. There's lots of stuff that's uninteresting. There's maybe some things you'd prefer to other things, but I don't feel like I'm ever having my mind blown. There's no situation where that's happening if I'm at a Starbucks anywhere in the world.

Yu Song has made his way into the studio. He's got his laptop. He's stepping up to Sean's mic, which he has so nicely volunteered. What are our scores, Yu Song? For the sandwich category, the bronze medal goes to Starbucks. The silver medal goes to McDonald's. Wow.

And the gold medal goes to Dunkin' Donuts. Yeah, baby. This is right around when the rest of the world really started to hate Boston. When this song... when this song became popular. Do you have, as a guy from Jersey, Sean, do you have any opinions on Boston?

I love Boston. I don't like how racist it is. It's gotten a bad rap, dammit. I will say your greatest hero, Mark Wahlberg, threw a rock at a Korean guy's eye just for being Korean. Right, yeah. Wahlberg was a bit...

I knew guys like Wahlberg, but I feel like there's punks like that everywhere who are fucking... See, we have Italian guys in New Jersey, these very Italian guys. Yeah, Cuitos. They don't like when their daughters date black guys. But Boston

is like... It's basically like your city's motto. Like, hey, don't date my daughter black guys. They're a little too into Larry Bird. Like, they're a little too like, yeah! Like, he's great. He's a legend. Oh, listen, growing up,

I mean, I love Larry Bird. But I've heard some of like my Irish uncles say Larry Bird plays the game the right way. And I know exactly what that means. 100%. I can't take this.

I can't take you bashing Boston like this. Also, you did the opening to this podcast differently where you made fun of Quincy and I feel like it's because you didn't want me to fucking jump on you and beat the shit out of you. But I just want to say that Boston has done a lot of things progressively that the rest of the country didn't...

And if you think about it, the rest of the country is still fucking super racist like Joe Nell. The South is insanely racist and people talk about Boston being racist. I think it's because they're like, they're so... like... they are the Northeast.

So like, you expect more out of Boston. Right. They've had their issues, that's for sure. But... there are a lot of good people there who are progressive and then there's some everywhere. It's like one of my... it's one of my favorite cities. I love Boston. I think it has all the...

it has all the things you want. So many Chinese food places for some reason. It's great, yeah. Yeah, it's amazing. Like, it's a fantastic city. I just don't like the racism. However... The... the one thing that I think Boston gets a bad rap on is it's not Philadelphia,

which is just like Boston, but way worse. Yeah, it is... You know what, I think we can all agree on that. Fuck Philly. Yeah. Those assholes. Quick thing I wanted to say on the Mark Wahlberg story, because I actually read an article about that. They found the guy. I think he was...

I think he was Vietnamese. He was a refugee of some sort. Was he trying to do 9-11, is that why? Yeah, Mark Wahlberg was on... hypothetically on Flight 90. Which one was it? Did you say it was on United 93? Then that plane wouldn't have gone down? I think it was the one going from Logan

to the... To California. He said it would have gone down differently. Mark Wahlberg would have been stabbed to death with a box cutter. Seth McFarland almost got on that plane, too. Yeah, that's the...

that's the crazy thing. Like, I think he either overslept for his flight or something. Oh, my God. He almost got on the 9-11 plane. But on the guy who was... who Mark Wahlberg beat up and the whole thing was, you know, I think he went to prison, went to a juvenile correctional facility

or something, and the guy was left blind in one eye, but they found the guy and it turned out he was very badly beaten, but he was already blind in one eye. So Mark Wahlberg didn't actually blind him. He just beat him. The nation owes an apology to Mark Wahlberg.

I will say this, I saw... I saw Mark Wahlberg on the Fox lot one time. I was driving around on the Simpsons cart. And, uh, I was wearing a Red Sox jacket and Mark Wahlberg went,

hey, nice jacket. When I stopped, when I stopped right by him. Yeah, that's great. I said, thanks, man. Then he threw a rock at my arm. Get out of here, you Korean. All right, let's get to our final category, hot coffee. We just went with a small black coffee

from all three chains. Can we talk about that? Hot brown, like, I gagged when you said hot brown. Do people call coffee hot brown? It's from a birthday boy's sketch. It's a birthday boy's sketch. Wait, you've never seen this

extremely popular birthday boy's sketch? No, I'm so sorry. The hit IFC show? The hit IFC show? I have missed this one sketch. I'll talk about all your others. You've certainly seen all the other shows on IFC, though, right?

The biggest profile channel on cable? Gigi does it? Benders? Come on, you've seen all these. I love Benders. I love Lora, the mysteries of Lora. I thought Benders was a Futurama spinoff. I was kind of disappointed to see it was a hockey sitcom. Yeah, hockey bro.

Hockey bros. Yeah, IFC, where you get the ratings of a college YouTube video. Anyways, the hot brown, here's my issue with it. The thing with Dunkin' Donuts is if you get cream and sugar in it,

you got one of the best coffees around. I've heard this before. How does it hold up with being just a plain black coffee? We'll see. We'll talk about it. Yeah, I mean, my thing with this is I like black coffee. That's how I prefer coffee. And so anytime I've got it at Dunkin' Donuts

and it was the case today, it's a little watery to me. I feel like I like a stronger coffee. And this one was just a little bit almost approaching instant coffee. Whereas I had a little bit more of a stronger brew from the other two chains.

What do you think, John? Yeah, I completely agree. Dunkin' Donuts isn't that strong of a coffee. I know that because my parents just visited last month. And I took them to Starbucks, right around the corner. And they were like, much, much too bitter for me.

And they walked across the street to Dunkin' Donuts. And then they just drank Dunkin' Donuts the rest of the week. Because that's what they like that is watery. It doesn't really keep you up. It doesn't give you any of the caffeine effects. Your parents and I would get along great. Besides the Trump thing.

But yeah, I think Dunkin' Donuts is watery. Yeah, I think the and I think the indicator for me in terms of my preference was two cups of coffee. And I ultimately brought one of them into the studio

to continue sipping. And for me, I was surprised. But it was the McDonald's. I mean, I just thought it was just like a very solid coffee. Whereas the Starbucks one, this is a criticism you've levied before. It was a criticism your parents had, Sean. It is just like a little bit.

The roast is so dark that it just gets a lot of bitter, burnt quality to it. And I definitely was noticing it side by side with the McDonald's, which is a little bit more straightforward. I think Starbucks. I like how it tastes bitter. And it might be just giving me a placebo effect. But when I taste it,

I'm like, yes, I'm up. I'm energized. And I don't know if I actually am. Because I can't believe I didn't wear sweatpants here. I'm like a bummed out all the time. But what I do during just straight black hot coffee from Starbucks,

I'm like, yes, let's take back the night. Or the day. Also a Justin Timberlake song. Yes. You should have been here last week. We could have gotten sad together. Big time. Oh, by the way,

a hashtag for... You sang a saying we're out of time. Go ahead. This is a separate thing anyways. I just got mad at you, sorry, you sang, I guess whoever's in that role, I just get mad at. When we were talking about ballparks, if you like

the fancy food, I wanted to say hashtag Grand Slam. And if you like the simple ballpark food, then Denny's Grand Slam. Hashtag Denny's Grand Slam. Perfect.

So what are we doing now? We're giving your scores for coffee starting with Dunkin Donuts. Isn't there some other food news right now? I thought I read about some food news today. Crystal Clear Pepsi is back. It's back. I had it. It wasn't good.

I don't remember it being good. It doesn't even taste like Pepsi. I thought it was just going to taste like Pepsi. It tastes like you put cola flavoring in water. It's got a different character to it, because that's what I thought the appeal was. I remember when they originally launched it when I was a kid,

I was like, Crystal Pepsi is cool, it tastes like Pepsi, but it's clear, but it's not. It has a different flavor character to it, which just seems weird. This podcast is... It does nothing. There's no info. Nothing informational from it.

Let's rank these coffees, I guess, and this piece of shit competition. What are we doing first? Dunkin Donuts? Well, guys, I completely disagree with you. I did think there was a coffee that was watery, but I thought it was McDonald's that was watery. Interesting.

And I think that Dunkin Donuts is my favorite coffee. It's the only one that I really love, and I give it a 5.9. You know, I get that Dunkin Donuts. If I'm going to a Dunkin Donuts, I'm going for the food and then getting a

cup of coffee there, because that's just what I drink in the morning, but I don't love the coffee, and this was a particularly... This tasted like an extra week batch, and for that reason, I'm going to go... I'm going to go 2.8. Wow. It tasted like a taste week. It was kind of watery,

but at the same time, sometimes that's what you want out of coffee. It's a coffee that you can drink almost like it's water and have 8 during the day, like a kid at a diner in a movie, and that's why I give it a 5.1.

Okay. McDonald's next up. I really like this McDonald's coffee. I think it's just very solid and just gets the job done. It was my preferred brew of these three, and for that reason,

I'm going to say, it's not a nice coffee house coffee, but it's a very good diner, caliber cup of coffee, and I'm going to give it a 4.65. I like the McDonald's one, and I think there's something...

Isn't it the most popular in America? Number one seller, yeah. And you know what it makes perfect sense? It tastes like the best AA meeting coffee. Yeah, sure. And that's why I'm going to give it a 4.4. Great.

Yeah, I think that this one tastes like kind of watery slash office coffee or whatever. Kind of like something that you would just make at home. But I don't dislike it at all. 3.4. Okay. And then finally, our final one

is Starbucks. You know, it gets the job done. Workman-like, I think, was what you said earlier, Sean. It was just... That's kind of where... That's kind of what you would expect from McDonald's, because it's sort of a more working-class chain, but I certainly,

in terms of the quality of the coffee, that was closer to an approximation of what I got from the Starbucks. And I don't know, it was fine above average, 4.00. Now, normally, I don't even really like Starbucks coffee like that much.

But when I had it back to back to back, I noticed that it did taste better than the other two. Back to back to back. And maybe it was just that order that I drank it in, but it... Dunkin' Donuts was like kind of

fine. McDonald's was like good. And then Starbucks just tasted great. And that's why I have to give Starbucks 5.5. Interesting. You had like a... Yeah, it was just right for me.

And I think it's because, you know, I'm just like a Pacific Northwesterner in the 90s. I'm with your parents, Sean. I don't like Starbucks coffee at all. It's too bitter for me. You're not a coffee drinker, though, in fairness. Sometimes. I'll sometimes drink it.

But you're not like a guy who has a cup of coffee or a tea-quint thing for you. I mean, yeah, if I'm waking up before 9, I might have a cup of coffee. And that's, what, twice a year? Yeah, twice or twice a year. 1.5 for me for Starbucks. Wow, very low.

You know, this is an outcome that's very up in the air. I can't really do the math in my head because the scores are so over the place. But guess who can? Usang can. He's already done. Usang's walking in the air. He was so much more organized than Susser. And also, too, a lot more spry, in terms of walking from outside the studio

to inside the studio. We didn't need a 10-minute stop-down for him to trudge over here. Um, all right, Usang, let's go ahead and hear the final medalists. Um, for the coffee category. The bronze medal goes to Starbucks.

Wow. The silver medal goes to McDonald's. Oh, my God. And with the gold Dunkin' Donuts. Wow. How about that? Usang's Dunkin' Donuts. You just play the, oh, we don't hear any of the words ever.

You want me to skip ahead a little bit? Let me skip ahead. Hold on. Jonathan Papelbarns coming out to the mound to close out the game. Is this good? I love it. Well, The Depart is a good movie. It is. It's fun. It's a fun movie. It's good.

And it deserved best picture, I'll say. Yeah, that was great. It was like Scorsese's finally did it. Oscar for a movie that was very good and it sort of holds up. The computer chip stuff is kind of aged weirdly. Yeah, a little bit. But it's still a very good crime caper movie

with some really good performances. Oh, and Usang has the overall scores. So let's see. Like the U.S. Women's Olympic gymnastics team completely dominated the competition and came away with the gold. We're going to see who the overall winner is in the coffee sector right now. Usang, what is the verdict?

In the Decathlon. In total, the bronze goes to Starbucks. Wow. With a total score of 46.568 in silver, is McDonald's. Wow. And with a total score of 48.25

So it's pretty close. The gold goes to Duncan Donuts. Wow, congratulations, Duncan. We did it, Mom and Dad. You know what? Know what I think about those results? What? I'm lovin' it.

Congratulations. Quincy native and Quincy's proudest, one of Quincy's proudest creations, Duncan Donuts has Definitely not me. Has dominated this competition. You should make gold medals and bring them to the Quincy Dunkin' Donuts.

Here you go, sir. What are these for? Don't worry about it. I know where the original Dunkin' Donuts is. Right on the artery there. The artery? Yeah, southern artery. That's what it is. Give me some Quincy

corrections. Yeah, I think it is. It's right near the police station. Is that like an East Coast term artery for a road? Yeah, I've never heard artery. Yeah, I guess so. At least in Quincy it is. Is the street named artery? Southern artery. Yeah, I think it has another street name.

I don't know. I don't know. Now everyone in Boston is going to be dumb. I'm very confused. Let's move on. So that was the What the fuck did we just do? Oh, the coffee division of the Olympic Susser games. I'm actually kind of

like jittery now, by the way. Yeah, we had so much fucking caffeine and sugar before starting this podcast. We went to last week when we just loaded up on beans and rice before sitting in a studio for two hours. Yeah. But yeah, I do feel mildly insane.

Me too. Which is good. At the end of this though Olympics, John, thank you for fucking... Thank you for enjoying this. Putting the steak in the heart of the Olympics. I'm so sorry, guys. I wanted to bring it so much more than I did. You did bring it. Oh, you did. Fantastic job.

Oh, this is what happened last week. We can't even... Oh, I feel terrible. I'm a fat fucking... fat fucking virgin loser. That's why I hate life. But you know what? I came out to Hollywood and that's where all the fat, fucking

virgin losers go. And I got plenty of time in my life to write the shit. This is where the fat losers go to Hollywood? I don't think that's his reputation. I'm a loser? Who are you right now? Are you doing a character?

I feel insane from the coffee. No, I think that Hollywood is a... I think that a lot of weirdos and dorks and creative weirdos come to Hollywood and try to become something that they're not. And that's where we all are. Yeah, but then they just become

Josh Gad. Oh fuck, that's depressing. Josh Gad has had a nice career. He maybe has some taste issues with the projects he chooses, but he's a talented man who's been in some... He's a book of Mormon. I wasn't saying he was impressive because of his career, yeah.

No, you just don't want to be Josh Gad. Yeah, you don't want to be Josh Gad. You don't want to start on what's that... What was that show he's in? 1600 Pen? Oh, yeah. The White House comedy sitcom? I would rather be in that than the comedians. Oh, yeah.

I think that we're all wired on caffeine, so we're willing to make fun of the comedians right now. Something that I think I know some people who wrote for? I'm not gonna say we made it about the comedians. I actually never saw it. Oh, I watched every episode and knew people who were on it and wrote for it.

Anyways, the future is bright for me and for this podcast. Yeah. And for everyone out there, the future is always bright, especially how this thing has ended. I think I'm very happy. We've emerged from the shadows.

We have one more segment, the final Susser game, I guess the U-Song games. Which the Dole Olympics should have always been. Dole Olympics should have always been. U-Song did a fantastic job and we will now be trying to settle the issue of who has

the best international cuisine. This is the International House of Hot Takes. So here's how this will work. We're going to have, we're going to do a draft style, a fantasy draft style. We're gonna ignore Susser's auction thing, because that's too complicated.

We're just gonna do a fantasy draft, snake style and we're going to go in order and pick our favorite international foods and we'll do it until we have a roster of what's, what sounds good, Mitch. Four items, four different international cuisines a piece. Sure.

Yeah, maybe a bench player too. Four different, four international cuisines, maybe one on the bench and we'll just go in, we'll just go in order and Sean since you're our guest, we'll give you the first number one overall pick. Okay, with the number one overall pick. Oh, shit. By the way, I can just pick

anything. Any cuisine. I don't have to have, yeah, I don't have to be like... You're not be holding to a particular pool. Great. Please don't take Swedish food. Lutfisk. I'm gonna take chicken tikka masala as my number one pick. Wow, wow, wow. Okay, let's, let's do this. Here's what

I'm gonna say. I think, I think we're, let's go even broader, right? Okay. Or you think it should be dish specific or do you think it should be region specific? No, I like, I like region specific. Okay, so let's say region specific. So now by default Sean's pick is Indian. See, that's what I was wondering. Okay. If I pick one Indian dish,

can it kind of be like one of those like... Oh yeah, no way. That's, that's fun. Like a dish representing... Yeah, like I'm a deli in New York and I have all this hot food and it's just kind of... Oh, I got you. That's probably more interesting. I think you, I think you should say, I think you should say Indian food and with that pick is the tikka masala

representing that pick. That seems too complicated. Oh, for fuck's sake. Let's just say we're going with a dish. We've, Sean has set the pattern we'll, we'll go with a dish, an international dish. So chicken tikka masala, very good choice. Mitchell, I'll give you the second pick. I may have ruined this at the beginning. No, I don't think at all. Not possible.

With my first pick in the 2016, whatever this now is, draft... International House of Hot Takes. International House of Hot Takes. I choose from Italy pizza. Oh, that's a good one. Very good choice. That's a good one. With a third pick in the 2016

fantasy international cuisine draft I am going to choose from south of the border tacos. Wow. And then that rolls right into the fourth pick, the first pick of the second round, which I get. And I am going to choose from Japan, sushi.

Back to you, Mitch. Yeah, I feel like your restaurants are going to make more money than mine. With the fifth pick in the 2016 International House of Hot Takes draft, I choose from the United States of America cheeseburgers. Very good pick. That was what I was going to pick.

So now I will go to my backup pick. You got two picks in a row here, Sean. From the country of Japan, ramen. Oh, that's a good choice. See, I'm planning on opening up Blake in like a hip neighborhood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then with the next pick, I choose

from the country of the UK fish and chips. What the fuck's going on with your restaurant? I would say, though, as far as UK dishes go, I was unclear on where you would be going, but you landed on fish and chips, and that's a very, very solid dish. It is, and then it took fries off the table.

Oh, wait, you get fries, too? Yeah, it's fish and chips. Oh, shit, he does get fries. That's a nice coup. All right, go ahead, Mitch. I should have said burgers and fries. With whatever number pick this is in the 2016 International House of Hot Takes,

I choose from south of the border, burritos. Yeah, that's a good pick. My team is stacked right now. I tell you, I would rather have tacos than burritos, but it's a close call. I was debating which way to go, and then once I had one, I didn't feel like I needed the other.

It felt redundant in my lineup, but burritos are a very, very good pick. Okay, all right, great. That was a great breakdown. Robotic breakdown. I'm saying, I was saying something nice about your roster move, and you had to undercut it. Yes, I think burritos are a good pick,

as all I was saying, and then I felt like I didn't need it after I got tacos. Why is that worthy of mockery? I don't even know. I lost my train of thought. I don't remember what I was going to pick. You know what? Here's what I'm going to say.

With my, I get two picks in a row now. I don't know where we are. Your final pick, too. Where we are exactly in the draft. Let's go, you know what? Let's go to five. Let's say we're going to have a starting five, and that'll be our final draft.

So we'll have five items total in our roster. So I get two picks in a row, and my first pick... Oh, boy. ...from the United States of America, I select Barbecue. Oh, shit. I can't really...

And then, with a pick after that... Hmm. I'm not quite sure what direction to go in. This is a really, really tough one for me. It's something from your homeland, Estonia. Well, see, here's the thing. There aren't any signature Estonian dishes that necessarily come to mind.

I don't know. I don't even know. I don't know anything about my heritage. Borscht. They've never been a talent. Borscht is probably right. There probably is some sort of borscht. I am going to go to the land of Vietnam

to select... Wow. Phu. Oh, that's good. Wow. That's good. All right, back to you, Mitch. You know, in the NBA draft,

sometimes some of these picks, some foreign players, they sometimes don't pan out. Right. But I think that that one might work for you. Yeah. It'll be a Yao Ming. It'll be a Dirk Nowitzki. You think so?

With an esteemed career. It could be a Z... What's his name, the other guy? Yang Zhuzhu. Yang Zhuzhu. Or Wang Zhuzhu. I think it was... It was Wang or Yang.

Yixianlin. Yixianlin, yeah. The chairman. He didn't have much of a career. No, I wanted him to be so good. And he was not, sadly. With the final pick in the 2006... With my final pick in the 2016...

I think you get two more. Oh, do I get two more? Wait, how does this work? How many items do you have on your team? No, you did two. No, this is my final pick. He has four. I got pizza, cheeseburgers, burritos,

and then this is the fourth one. Right? I think we're gonna go to five. We'll go to five. We're gonna start in five. Yeah. With my second to last pick, I'm drafting from the great state... I'm sorry.

Yeah, from the great state of New York, Buffalo Wings. I thought you were gonna pick pizza again. I think I am going insane from this fucking coffee, by the way. Yeah. With my next pick, I'm gonna go all the way to Italy, and I'm going to choose pasta. Wow, pasta was still on the board. I can't believe we both forgot about it, Mitch.

That's fucked up. Jesus Christ. Great pick, Sean. And then with my last pick, I'm going to go to Germany, a land of... Oh, I don't know. It's an awful place. But I am going to draft, and this is gonna be my wild card,

pork schnitzel. Wow. That is a wild card indeed. I like it whenever it's on a menu. It's very rarely on a menu, but if I have a restaurant, it's on the menu. Man, fuck. What do I choose? What do I choose?

People listening are angry right now, because I'm sure that there's a lot of good stuff on the table. There's definitely some obvious thing we're all overlooking. I found it as soon as I said pork schnitzel. With my final pick in the 2016 draft, I got to do it because I can't think of anything else. Another United States favorite, though this is from all over the place, steak. Oh, steak is really good.

That's a good one. That's really good. By the way, I do feel like you've mostly just chosen American food. Yeah, there's some inherent xenophobia that is coming out in your roster. My first pick was an Italian powerhouse. You pick an Americanized Italian dish. And an Americanized Spanish or Mexican dish with burritos. I guess so.

Look, it's appropriate you're wearing a Patriots hat because your team is a very patriotic team. It's very much got a lot of American elements to it. But for my final pick, I am going broadly international. Wow. With the final pick of the 2016 International House of Hot Takes Draft, I select soup. Oh, fuck off.

Your team loses, really. Soup. I was wondering if soup even qualifies. It might not be specific enough because you've already got ramen and then I've already got pho. But I guess I'm saying all other soups. Okay. The steak count?

I think steak count because I got barbecue. And there's also what might be carne asada and a taco abrito. But I think steak is its own thing. We know what we're saying. We know what our team's rosters are. My team is fucking stacked. Guys, online, let us know which team you think emerged triumphant from the International House of Hot Takes.

Use the hashtag. What do you guys want your teams to be? I'm going to say hashtag... Winners? Winners again. I would like mine to be hashtag Pan-Asian Confugio. Mine is hashtag Team USA. I don't think that it will get lost in all the other hashtags we're having right now.

Just like a restaurant, we value your feedback. Let's open up the feedback. Today's email comes to us from Tim Vargulish. Tim writes, Thanks, Tim. He sounds like a Castlevania character. Tim Vargulish. Yeah, it kind of does.

Do you know that in Castlevania III, that there's this level boss, and you guys may remember this if you played this game, but there are two dancing ghosts that you have to fight. And their names, according to the Castlevania III instruction manual, are Paula Abgool and Fred Ascair. Oh, my God. It really undercuts kind of like the graphic, grisly nature of those games,

which for the time were pretty intense and mature. Yeah, they're kind of fangorious. I don't like that it's someone that's a current pop culture reference of that time, and then someone like... There's no consistency. Fred Ascair and Paula Abgool together is strange. I wonder if they ever met. I doubt it, right? Yeah, it should have been Fred Ascair and Ginger Burr Rogers or something.

Yeah, or Greta Garbo. Yeah, there you go. I like that it was easier to come up with people I have no idea who they are. I always thought it was very funny with video games where you'll break the wall and there'll be a roast chicken. And it's also funny that the idea of this man fighting these monsters and then breaking the wall and being like, a roast chicken and then eating this roast chicken quickly.

And it heals his wounds. And it heals his wounds. There are two points of logic that break down. Like one, that you would have an entire roast chicken inside a brick wall. And that it would be edible. And then also that eating food not only nourishes you, but it heals some sort of Wolverine-esque healing factor. And not to mention that you would have the time to eat that food while in a battle.

While battling a ghost. Well, he consumes it. These characters always consume it immediately. Like Mayor Mike Hagar busts up an oil barrel and there's a hunk of meat inside, and then he just absorbs it into his body like he's... I just realized that that's the only fake thing in Castlevania games. Because first of all, ghosts are real. Right.

Second of all, food can be in walls. We can do that. Dracula does have a son named Alucard who can transform into mist. And finally, the one thing that doesn't check out is the healing powers from food. Yeah. Though maybe in a way, when you are hurt and you need nourishment, it does heal you. Maybe this is just sped up in the Castlevania world. So maybe that also is true as well.

It's fictionalized. Do you have a... Sean, do you have an answer for this query? Like if you had your ideal video game health item, health food item, what would it be? Well, this... I think to answer this question, you have to realize this is a food that you're going to find in a wall. Right. Okay, so it's said in this world.

Right? Yes. Yeah. So it can't be roast chicken coming out of that wall. It needs to be something that's pre-packaged. Right. That's a good point. Yeah.

So I think you're... I'm going to have to go with like... I hate this answer, but I'm just being realistic and that means boring. But like, cantaloupe slices? Free-package wrapped. Right. And I'll open that up. I'll eat them.

I'll be very upset that I'll go back to fighting ghosts. See, for me, I'm going to need some preservatives if it's in the wall. Because how long is it in the wall? Who knows. The chicken looks hot when it looks like hot, fresh chicken when you break open the wall. And that structure looks like it's been there a while. Are we supposed to believe that that food isn't ghost food? Oh, that's an interesting theory.

That could be ghost food. If it's ghost food, then yeah, that explains why it would not spoil and also that it might be present inside of an ancient brick wall. Well, that changes my answer up. Because if I could have any fresh, hot food, I'd want something one that was easy to eat. And two from America. And two. And you know what?

I would maybe pick one of the members of my team. Here's the deal. Yes. If I had to battle ghouls and also eat, I would want something that you could take on the go. Right. A burrito is great. Chicken or steak or whatever, meat burrito. And then pizza would also be good because you could grab a slice and eat it.

Yeah. I think burrito, maybe just like a compact full meal in a tortilla wrap would be good. If this isn't ghost food, if it's the food that's been there for a long time, I'd go with my favorites. Cool Ranch Doritos in the bag. Very good chess. Maybe a Coca-Cola or maybe a Gatorade or something. Yeah, you know what?

You snagged my answer at the end there, Mitch. Gatorade. I was going to say Gatorade. Gatorade is the perfect answer. Yeah. Because really, here's my thing. If you're out there, you're battling Medusas, you're battling Skeletons, you're battling Red Skeletons that collapse for a few seconds and then come back to life.

You're battling Frankensteins, you're battling Dracula's. You've got this gamut of different scary ghouls coming at you. And all you've got is a whip that's maybe been upgraded to a Morningstar. That's a workout. And when I'm working out, I used to distance run. And when I used to distance run, I don't want to stop for a meal in the middle of it. And I even tried, I had that goo or whatever, those bars that you would halfway through a half marathon and try to eat one of these bars or swallow some of this goo.

And it's always a mess. And it's never, I don't want to eat while I'm exercising. What type of goo are you trying to swallow? They have these power gels. They're this weird gloppy goo. Do you know what I'm talking about, Sean? Was this a homemade power gel? No.

This was a store-bought thing. It wasn't gum. No. It's not where, I'm not carrying around a little Ziploc bag of cum that I'm dumping in my mouth in the midst of an organized race. I had a double check. You did not have the double check. I've seen the power gel.

Yeah, it's like a Gatorade actually has one. And I just, I don't want to eat. I want to have a drink. Give me a beverage. Weiger's power gel. You should sell Weiger's power gel for the market. No. I'm not going to sell a, you're saying I should sell, I should sell little bags.

You're jacking off into bags and selling them in stores. That's the kind of thing that gets a man arrested. But maybe not stores, but you could definitely stand on the side of a marathon. Just like little cups. People would just take them on blind faith and dump in their faces. That's like an awful YouTube guy's epic prank. Oh man. You would maybe get killed by someone who was running a marathon.

Yeah. You would definitely get killed and probably imprisoned justifiably. All right. Killed and then tossed in prison. Like a Castlevania baddie. Right. Right. Yeah.

You'd go into the prison that turns into a dungeon that later Simon Belmont or one of his ancestors comes to investigate. If you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants, you can e-mail us at dowboyspodguest at gmail.com. Check out our Facebook page, Dowboys. Follow us on Twitter at dowboyspod, rate and review us on iTunes. And right now we have mugs and t-shirts available till August 22nd. You can buy them at teespring.com slash stores slash dowboys.

There's some food news. There's some food news. Sean O'Connor, thank you so much for joining us to close out this awful promotion. The Olympics games. Appreciate it so much. You made it better than it ever could have been. Thank you guys. You made it to new heights.

Thank you. I was so excited to be here. We're thrilled to have you. Do you have anything you would like to plug at this time? Yeah. Follow me on Twitter at Sean O'Connor's. They were buying my comedy album on iTunes. It's called James Dean Type.

It was a joke title. That'll do it for this episode of Doughboys. Until next time, for the Spillman and Mac Mitchell, I'm Nick Weigher. Happy eating. See ya.