Doughboys - Five Guys with Jefferson Dutton

Episode Date: January 14, 2016

Mitch and Wiger sit down with director and Birthday Boy Jefferson Dutton to discuss fast growing Virginia based burger chain Five Guys. And, Dutton tells a tale of post-apocalyptic survival in another edition of Last Meal.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The Arlington National Cemetery stands solemnly in an unincorporated city in the Commonwealth of Virginia where, since the Civil War, it's been hallowed ground for America's war dead. But a newer, more festive American institution has since established itself in this DC suburb where, in 1986, Janie and Jerry Murrell founded a burger joint with their four sons, the Quintet of Mayo family members lending the restaurant its unique name. The eatery became the talk of the nation's capital with its flavorful and customizable hamburgers, hot dogs, and fries cooked in peanut oil to match the complimentary peanuts

offered in store. In 2003, the family decided to franchise its operations and now, with over 1,000 locations in the U.S., it's proven to be a worthy challenger to upscale takeout burger titans in and out, shake shack, and fat burger. In fact, President Obama himself is a devoted fan of Murrell's and son's fast casual chain. This week on Doughboys, five guys. Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants. I'm Nick Weiger.

And coming in from his hometown of Quincy, Massachusetts is the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. How are you, Mitch? Doing well. How's everybody in Spoon Nation doing? Good? Oh, yeah. You know, one can... Yeah.

What kind of response do you want there? How am I doing? I don't give a shit about Spoon Nation. No, Spoon Nation's great. Hold on a second here. Yeah. What are you doing? Are you...

Do you guys hear all of the things that are going on in here? Yeah. Okay, so... Do you guys hear all of that? Yeah. So let me paint a picture for our listeners. So Mitch is in Quincy, Massachusetts. He's been there since, I think, shortly after Halloween.

He left and went to visit home, and he's there, I think, through what you come back around tax day, Mitch. When are you back in L.A.? I'm going to be back in L.A. next Friday. Okay. Oh, by the way, that was an inside scoop from Lou De La Rosa. At Uber Lou. Maybe he drives a Uber or something.

But thanks for that, Lou. Yeah. You mean that drop? You put that together for you? He certainly did. That was nice of him. That was nice of Lou. Lou tweets at us a lot.

We like him. So Mitch, you are in Quincy, Massachusetts. We've got you on FaceTime in the studio here in Feral Audio and Burbank, where I'm sitting alongside our guest who I'll introduce in a second. But then you were just playing that from your phone into your laptop, and then it was coming out of my iPad speakers into the microphone. So it's possible with all that digital noise, it could have gotten a little muffled, but hopefully our listeners will get the gist.

I assume it sounded great on your end. Now Mitch, how has life been in Quincy? You've been there for a while, you set up shop, you enjoyed the holidays, celebrated the new year, you're in your childhood home, you're in your childhood bedroom right now, I assume. No, I'm in the cellar. Oh, you're in the cellar? Okay.

I'm in the cellar of my house, this is where all the magic used to happen. Gotcha. And by that, I mean, this is where I played orcarina of time for the first time. A high point of the Zelda series. Where I used to hang out and watch TV and play video games, and that's taken up the majority of my life. And I drink down here and put bottles of booze under the couch, and hopefully my parents can find me, but this is where I hang out all the time growing up as a little spoon

guy. A little spoon teen, you know? Yeah. Also too, you are like so ridiculously close to your laptop camera. Like I'm basically, yeah, I'm just, what my viewpoint is I'm seeing like three quarters of your face. And it's... Well, what do you want?

Listen, here's the plus side of me doing this at home. I get to lay on a sofa and relax. Yeah. 2016 isn't going off too bad. The first DOH boys, I don't even have to be in the same room with them. Right. Well, we did have it. We released an episode we prerecorded.

I think we recorded in early December with Neil Campbell, Pizza Hut. That was the first episode of 2016. The first episode we're recording in 2016 is this one. And with our guest, who is kind enough to volunteer his time, I think I'll introduce him at this point, a very talented comedy writer and director, a member of the sketch group The Birthday Boys, of which Mitch is also a member. Jeff Dutton is here. We're thrilled to have him.

Hi, Jeff. Hey, how are you? Welcome to DOH boys. Thanks for coming. Thanks for having me. I'm a big fan. So you've been, you've known Mitch for a while, correct? I have, yeah.

Have you ever been to... Oh, yeah. Have you been to Quincy? Have you visited his house? Uh... No, I haven't. I have met your... Yeah, what the fuck?

I did meet your family in Toronto. But that was... Yes. Yeah. I think you met my mom. Right? Yes. But we weren't...

Yeah, I don't know. But you were really college buddies the same way that some of the other guys were. So you guys, but you guys went to the same college, but you just weren't particularly close. Yes, actually, we had a little run-in in college. You had a run-in? Well... The old Quincy run-in. I was in the computer lab late one night.

This is at Ithaca in upstate New York. We were at Ithaca College, and my... So there was a film, like, I was in cinema production. I had a short film due the next day. But I had skipped all my classes, and I didn't know how to edit a movie. So I was sitting in the computer lab with all my footage. And I asked Jeff Dutton how do you edit, and he showed me how to edit. And I edited my movie together and got it done just in time for the project deadline the next day.

Well, that was nice. So you had a friend bail you out of your mess. That seems like a common pattern with you. It's funny, though, though. We didn't really talk about that for probably five years after that night. It came up way, way later, and it was like, oh, that was you. It was one of those things. Jeff, ever the nerd was in the computer lab already, just staying there till all hours.

And I strolled in, like a cool guy. So yeah, we knew each other before LA, but then, of course, we've seen each other more than anyone the last 10 years of our lives, being together with birthday boys. I remember when you first came up to the house, you are one of those people in my life who, I was like, why does everybody like this fucking guy so much? Like Hanford was like, oh, Mitch is coming up. Like, yeah, yeah, let's get that guy Mitch up here. And I was like, oh, this fucking guy Mitch.

And then like, do you remember why I came up? I do. I do. It might have something to do with Fear of Ghosts. Oh, boy. You've probably covered it. You've covered it on this, right? Yeah.

Mitch's Fear of Ghosts is well-known. But tell the story. It's good. I was staying at my boss's house. The same boss at one point asked me for a blowjob. I don't know if I mentioned this on this podcast. I don't think you've mentioned, you've told this particular story. Well, this boss at one point asked me for a blowjob.

Also, his house was very much haunted. And he went on vacation to Greece. And I had to stay and watch the house. And I found out the story like right before he left. So I was very scared. And that made me kind of like, I would wake up and feed this dog and then like run out of the house pretty much because I was scared. And it made me hang around with who would later become the birthday boys.

That's kind of how I got together with those guys. And a lot of ways was so I could be out of the house where I thought a ghost was. So clarify the chronology for us a little bit. Uh-huh. First, he asked you for a blowjob? When is he asking you for a blowjob? And at what point are you agreeing to sit his house? No, but I will watch your house.

He asked me for a blowjob. Like, I left like a week or two after. Gotcha. So this was after the house sitting? I was on my knees. That's actually the truth. That comes off as a joke. But I truly was on my knees like under his desk cleaning stuff.

And I was like, man, it sucks like having to clean. You know, like you got to get people Starbucks and you got to like take out trash. And I was like, it takes a long time. Now I sound brattier than I was. I was just like, oh man, it kind of sucks to do all this shit work. And he's like, well, sometimes you got to get a Starbucks one. And then sometimes you got to, you got to, you know, clean, take out the trash. And then sometimes if your boss asks you to, you got to, you know, suck his dick.

And I was just kind of like, what? And I was like, and then I was like, oh, like he's asking me to do that right now. And so I sucked his dick. And that's, you know, I was like, oh, okay. And like he kind of like was nodding at me and I was on my knees. I remember all this very clearly. And I was like, all right. And I stood up and I left the office and I was fine.

I didn't care really. I mean, from then on, I just kind of, you know, I was, I was fine with it. It was no big deal. Sure. Well, there's another thing that happened to me that actually I can't even, I can't talk about it. There's another thing that happened to me where I got someone, someone in a position of power grabbed my dick once and Jeff knows it. So I've been harassed in the workplace.

Jeff, you know of this story. Yeah, it's Ferguson. Dave Ferguson grabbed my dick once in the birthday boys office. What do you think makes you a target? Because I know you're a very charismatic and lovable guy. Do you think that same sort of quality translates towards people having some sort of a, you know, sexual attraction to you that they can't control and they end up just either asking you for a blowjob in a workplace setting or just reaching out and groping you?

I don't know, Nick. I think you could probably answer this question. I think you're a handsome, charming man. And I think you're, like I said, I think you're endlessly, you're very naturally lovable. Fine, I'll just say, I'll say my same theory. Yes, I ascribed by the theory that I postulated that that's what happened. Oh, God, it's happening again. You know what's funny is that the angle that you're shooting yourself right now is that

we're basically getting you from the mustache up and you're like super close to the bottom. So really this is the angle that I would be seeing if you were giving me oral sex. That's pretty perfect. It looks like your chin is on like the space bar. Yeah, very close to the camera. I'm holding the laptop now to hear things more because, hey, we just, we need to get a Doe Boys done. It's gotta happen. The people need that Doe Boys episode, that's for sure.

Yeah, well, I appreciate your commitment and let's, I don't know why I said I appreciate your commitment. You were such a pain in the ass to get you to do this. I appreciate you not complaining more. So, you guys have known each other for a while. Do you have any other experiences beyond this ghost house, beyond doing all of his work for him? Any other formative experiences or working experiences in your years with crafting the Birthday Boys IFC TV show together? Anything from Mitch that comes to mind?

Ooh, no. I mean, Mitch, you're a good guy to write with. I think, yeah, I'm trying to keep, I'm keeping it positive. Oh, great. That's great. But we probably do a lot of like, you know, we got a right shrink right today. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally we will. Yeah, for real, for real this time we will.

And then, and then a day we'll go by and we'll be one of those where it's kind of the last minute. But yeah, we did a lot of stuff together. Yeah, we did a lot of stuff. I think Jeff and I have always liked collaborating on stuff and we, because we used to go to Carl's Jr. and Paquito Moss together up by the, the Birthday Boys had this big house and we'd all work together. And Jeff and I are into similar things, I feel like. So we've kind of always, like one, we did seasons one and two of the Birthday Boys.

He and I kind of would team up a lot because we think similar things are funny. So we've always had a pretty good working, we've actually had a pretty good working relationship, I'd say. That's good to hear. Within the group. Yeah. Also, I want to clarify that thing about people liking me and me being a nice guy, it's always like 50 year old or older men.

It's never, it's never anyone that I would ever be interested in. It's a, it's never, it's never a thing that works out. So the charmingness works on a certain group of people, but not the type I guess that I'm interested in. Keep at it. There's other guys who are, they're like, hey, this guy reminds me of my son's loser friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, probably so.

If you keep talking that way, my mom is upstairs, by the way. How is Mrs. Mitchell doing? She's good. She was afraid that she was going to walk in on this podcast. Yeah. Not a ring. How much does she, does she know about Doe Boys? Has she listened to Doe Boys?

What is your mom? No, no, no. God, no. God fucking no way. I don't listen to it. I don't, I don't want her to ever listen to it ever. I think she'd be ashamed of me. Yeah.

I think she knows it exists. There's been some people, my cousin, John told me to listen to it and I was like mortified and he's a great guy. And so hello, John. And then a couple of people in Quincy told me that they listened to it. Chuck O'Brien told me at the bar, and a few other people saw hello Chuck and great people, but I, but it kind of scared me to hear that anyone listened to it just because I'm such an asshole.

Is your mom the type to like come across this or did you have to tell her like, don't listen to this thing? Like is she on Facebook and stuff like that? No, she'll never figure it out if I don't. Unless I like find it for her and download it to her phone and try to play it. Yeah. So I'm good. My parents are like on Facebook for the express purpose of like finding pictures and news

about me that other people will put up. So they'll come across this. Yeah. She has an account. I think my mom has like a secret account where she looks at my account, but I don't know. I don't think she can figure it out still. I told my she was she was drunk tonight. So she wanders down here.

She's going to be some drunken haze. I told my parents about the podcast and I think they, I think they're still unclear on what a podcast is exactly. So I don't know. I don't know if they've listened to it. I'm not sure they certainly haven't commented as if they've listened to it or maybe they listened to it and just didn't like it and that's their way of handling it is they're just going to remain silent about it.

Don't your parents both pretend that you're dead. So before we get into, you mentioned shared interest a little bit, how you were, you connected with a J-man about that and you know, obviously, Jeff, a very easy, easy going guy, very easy to get along with guy, but one shared interest that three of us have is Star Wars. And we haven't spoken about the Force Awakens yet because this is the first one we've recorded since the movie has been released. So I mean, Mitch, I know you and I had a kind of a similar path. I'd say yours was a little bit more exaggerated in terms of reception where my initial viewing

of the movie, I didn't really like it. And then my subsequent viewings, I got on board with it and like, I really liked it the second time. The second time with our former guest, Joe Saunders, great guy and our future guest, hopefully, David Phillips, the three of us went out and we saw it and I had a great time. And then I saw it a third time with my wife, Natalie, and I had a good time and I'm like, oh, this is a fun, good Star Wars. And maybe the first time my expectations were just throwing me a little bit.

But I know you had, you were very negative at first and I feel like you've kind of come around to it. Am I wrong about that? Yeah, you're wrong. It's bad. Wow. Okay. You know what?

I've seen it four times now. Yeah. That's crazy. And you've hated it each time then. I saw it the first time I saw it was in the Alamo Draft House and Famous Movie Theater in Austin. I just wasn't, you know, there's, each time I've seen it, I've kind of felt different. Like the first time, like the first half hour of it, I really disliked.

Really? Yeah. And then when I watched it again, I liked the first half hour of it. I just, it's not a great movie, guys. Come on. It's not. So this last time I went, I went with my godfather and his family and my godfather loves Star Wars.

Like he's always been a big Star Wars fan. And like he got kind of me into him, I feel like. And he liked it and he enjoyed it. But, and that made me be like, okay, it's not too bad, but it's not that good. There's not enough creatures and magic in it. There's not enough new stuff to make it feel like a Star Wars movie to me. I would agree with that new stuff point, but I think I. Who is there?

There's BB-8 and then Kylo Ren, but those are like main. Ah, Finn Poe. Come on. I think, yeah, I think that, I think Poe certainly counts. I think, I think Ray feels, Ray and Finn feel very new. Like the idea of a stormtrooper deserting. Yes, of course there's, of course there's new, I'm saying like creatures and aliens. Yeah, I got you.

I think that's fair. But I think the, I think, you know, BB-8 is the standout, BB-8 and Kylo Ren in terms of character design, like those are really cool. But yeah, I wish there were more aliens, you know? Although I will say, when they came out with like the prequels, they didn't repeat enough aliens for me. Yeah, that's true. I felt like they were coming up with like a lot of new, like millennial-ish or like

nineties-ish designed aliens where I was like, these don't feel like Star Wars aliens. Yeah. Whereas the, whereas this one I feel like we were seeing Mamo Nadon or like whatever, whatever that like slug-type dude is. There was a, there was a good handful of like, okay, I feel like I'm in good hands creature-wise. But not enough for you, huh? No, not enough. I mean like, Oonkar Plot was one of the guys, that guy was, the guy who was mad that they

took his ship. Oh yeah. One quarter portion. I like the one quarter, one half portion guy. Was that Simon Pegg? I think so, yeah. Was he the only alien that talked in the entire thing? No, but the cool thing, like when Rey finds that thing on that weird beast and she just

argues with it for, he's trying to take BB-8 or something. Are we trying to have a spoiler free discussion? What's going on here? I'm confused. Oh, no. All right. Well, what are you confused about? What thing on one weird beast?

I just was unclear because of the- Okay. Oh, all right. There's a moment, I guess I'm not going spoiler free, I'm just going to jump into it. Is that okay? Like how- Here's what I'll say to Spoon Nation and the Dope Boys listeners out there. At this point, the movie's been out for like a month.

So if you care about it, I feel like you should, you should have seen The Force Awakens. And if you do care about it, but if you want to avoid spoilers, if you really do, I don't know, what the fuck, we're like 20 minutes in, skip ahead, skip ahead 10 minutes and it'll probably be- We'll probably still be talking about Star Wars, but hopefully it'll be a different spoiler. Go ahead, Jeff. I'm going to have 50 minutes, probably.

Yeah, yeah. I don't even know where I was going with this point. When Ray finds something- Okay. Ray is, she's got BB and they're like, there's a creature who's like trying to take it and it's like, no, it's mine, I found it. Oh, yes, yes, yes. It's sort of like a Tusken Raider type thing, but it's a different thing.

It's like a robot Jawa is what it looked like to me. Yeah. And I thought that was- Oh yeah, I remember that shitty moment. You know, he didn't speak English, but it was just like, they had like, they like argued and then he went away. I feel like they did a good job of like, there was stuff happening on the fringes and they didn't try to explain it to me.

Yeah, but I feel like, I felt like Jakku was like a worse version of Tatooine, like it just felt like they put up dumb sets in a desert. Like I felt like Tatooine felt like a world to me, there was better sets, better creatures, the Maz Katana or whatever her name is was like, one of the new creatures that spoke a bunch. Not into it. And she was like a CGI kind of dumb CGI character. Why in a movie that like, is such a success of practical effects?

I would say that that movie is like, by and large, like a great example of actually doing stuff, puppets, crashes, whatever. Why would you still commit so much time to like, a CGI sore like that character or like Snoke? It feels like, like you've, you've succeeded beyond that. Snoke is fucking, Snoke, what is Snoke anyways? I like Snoke. You like Snoke?

Yeah, I mean, I don't like, he's bad. I don't like the bad guy, but I like him as a character. I think it's cool that he's big. And we don't know, is he, is he big or not? That's the, it's a big mystery. No, he's a hologram. Yeah, but he's a big hologram, but maybe he's actually big. That was a sigh of relief.

Yeah, that's, that's, that's a really well written character. I like that he's big. Like if he was human and big, maybe like if he was Jaws from the Bond movie, isn't that when every movie gets shitty though, like in the, in the end of a Marvel movie where it's like, oh, we got to fight the big thing. That's like when everything sucks. Well, if anything, that's a, that's probably a failing. And I think this happens sometimes with, like what you were saying about Marvel movies,

I think it's a good point. It happens in comics a lot where they're trying to heighten and they reach a point where you heighten so much that things start to become abstract and so it undercuts the stakes. So you go from like destroying one planet, you can kind of get like, okay, I get that's fucking horrible. But then you like Starkiller base is like destroying five planets simultaneously destroying an entire solar system. And it feels like, well, what am I even, what's it, Mitch is giving a thumbs down on FaceTime.

All right. No, I'm giving you a thumbs down because of Starkiller base is garbage. But I mean like, like, I think it's so big, the idea of like, okay, we're just destroying five planets. We'll have no connection to what any of this is, like the stakes are so blown out of proportion that I don't even really care anymore. Right. I forgave a lot.

I certainly forgave a lot of it. I feel like it's a flawed, but fun film. And I consider myself part of the resistance against the online people who are saying that it's some sort of a failure of a film. I think JJ did it. I'm with that. Can we talk about that for a minute because Nick Weigar is the most afraid man that's ever lived.

He's scared of everything on earth. That's not true. Including, well, I'm literally afraid of ghosts. There's been some blowback to the people who think that the movie's not good and Nick joined this resistance as he calls it because he's afraid to be on the bad side. When I know in his heart, he knows that this movie is not a good movie. It's not good. So you're hoping for some sort of what I anticipate will be the arc of Kyla Goranacross

episode seven, eight and nine, where at some point you will persuade me to open my heart to what my true feelings are and I will come over to, I guess he's probably going to come over the light side, but I would come over to the dark side or you consider it the light side. Disliking yourself. I consider it the light side. Gotcha. I love, I'm critical of this movie not because I hate, I love Star Wars.

I wanted to be, I wanted it to be a good movie. Yeah. I really, really wanted it. It's, it's, I don't hate the movie, but I've seen it four times now. I would be fine with never, ever seeing it ever again. Well, just the fact that you saw it four times is, is a little strange to me. Yeah. That like betrays, that betrays your thoughts and feelings.

I saw, the first night I told you, I saw at the Alamo Draft House and then I was, I was, I was working on this thing and I went with John Ennis and John Ennis and I went together to see this movie and, and it was a very strange, fun experience and then the next day I was working on this Jonah Ray show and he's my boss and he got tickets to go see it and I, and I, and I wanted to go see it again. So that was, that was two right off the bat. Then I came to Quincy and my Quincy friends hadn't seen it yet. And so I wanted to see it with my Quincy friends to see how they would enjoy it and they loved

it and I got really mad and started talking about how I didn't like it outside of the theater and they were mad at me and were immediately like, fuck you, I'm happy you live in LA. But Mitch, wouldn't you like, I don't think it's an awesome movie, but I left happy. Yeah. And, and I've gotten so used to leaving the new X Crystal Skull, Jurassic World, all the Marvel shit other than like maybe Iron Man one, feeling like, you know, like I've gotten so used to just being like, whatever, that this was like a definite cut above that. It felt like a Marvel movie to me.

In fact, it was probably more disappointing. It wasn't as disappointing to me as other movies, but it was, it was, it was, it was, it was definitely disappointment to me. I mean, if you think about, for me, if you think about Return of the Jedi and in the movie, in that entire movie, if you take up like from when the movie starts to when this is a spoiler to for Return of the Jedi, to, to when they blow up job is barge. Uh, if that right there is so much better than anything that's in Force Awakens, it's insane.

I was okay with the life saber battle. It was okay. I was, I was, I was, I was fine with that. It just didn't have the magic. The story I thought was a little bit weak. I wanted to really, really like it, but, but I feel like to me like Star Wars felt like art, like I felt like those movies were big popcorn blockbuster movies, but they were also works of art.

And I felt like this one was just felt like a Marvel movie to me. So, and also Han Solo died in the weakest fucking way that's ever. Ooh, I got it. It's insane. I thought it was cool. I liked it too. Because you thought it was cool. Yeah.

I think that's cool. I thought it's not cool that he died, but I thought that was a cool moment. I thought it was played. Oh, I liked that. I was like, if honestly, Harrison Ford, like he, he like wasn't even really good in that movie, I got to say, like, I would say Harrison Ford. I thought it was OK. But like if he, if he wasn't just just hit by nature of him being Harrison Ford,

it's like that's what he brought to the movie. Other than that, he's just like, I mean, that's what I think a lot of people. That I mean, I think that that's kind of my issue with the movies. Like they didn't really bring anything else new to this universe, except for what we had. I thought that Daisy Ridley did a great job. I think John Boyega is a great actor, but I think that his character was weirdly written. And like a little too contemporary. Was that like a little too contemporary or like?

Yeah, I mean, if you're if you're a stormtrooper and you've been raised since a child to be a stormtrooper, then why are you like not affected by that? Why? Like, why? Why aren't you? Why do you kind of like have some sort of thing where you're you're a little bit messed up and not acting like a normal human being instead of being like a guy who was like from 2016, which Star Wars has never done, which which kind of annoys me.

Anyways, I came around to to fin a little bit because I think they seated it like if you look at the reactions of other stormtroopers throughout, there's like moments where, for instance, when Kylo Ren is is wrecking Daisy Ridley's cell and frustration after she's exited, there's those two stormtroopers and there's kind of that comedic moment where they're walking towards and they just sort of turn away. Like there's like hints throughout. They're like, oh, these are just kind of like kids.

They have their own like free will. It's kind of like a drafted soldier, a 19 year old kid who goes to Vietnam. You know, that's not necessarily a hard and killing machine. They're trying to make him that, but he has his own independence, his own free will, and he's exerting that. And so I kind of like, I bought into Finn's character as we're going of like, okay, he's not just this automaton that they've programmed. There's also the moment early on they set them up as an automaton.

Yeah, but they but they are hints throughout that the program is failing. They reference that they have to reprogram these guys sometimes. Kylo Ren is talking about they should just use a clone army. There's obviously frustrations with this plan because it's imperfect. So like I buy it. I mean, even people in cults like just like break out and they just like go and try to live normal lives. It's a thing that happens.

It's a familiar arc and that's I kind of liked it. I get what you're saying, though. He like the the character could have, there is a way where they could have made that more clear or more defined, like, okay, we're just going to say this. This guy is like the empty shell who doesn't quite know how to behave like a human or whatever humans are called in the Star Wars universe. Two thousand sixty, like you got a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a cute boyfriend. Like it was very weird to hear that in a Star Wars movie.

It was it was it was and that was just kind of bad dialogue. I I did I did like I mean, it did sort of feel like Star Wars two point zero for twenty sixteen. I it it did what I did sort of like go for it all in all. Like yeah, the first three movies. If you want that like very formal sort of like. Like all the good guys are a farmer and a pirate and a princess. And they follow a night to go to a, you know, it's just like it feels very

straight up heroes journey. And now that we're in like twenty fifteen, we know that like, hey, good guys aren't all good. Bad guys aren't all bad. And this is going to like take place in the weird anomalies and the nooks and crannies in the Star Wars universe that we all like, no. Like, I appreciate you're giving away too much credit. I feel no, but like, but like, don't you think it's interesting that like in this

case, the this the Jedi, who's like having a crisis of conscience is the bad guy and that like a stormtrooper even having like one thought for another stormtrooper is like not your daddy's Star Wars. Like, I appreciated that those aspects of I like the idea of a stormtrooper turning into a good hero, but I thought was handled in such a poor, poor way. And actually Nick pointing out those two stormtroopers turning around. I thought was one of the dumbest fucking moments. I thought it was funny.

It got a good laugh. And all three times I saw it, it got a good laugh for the theater. How about the BB eight thumbs up? Oh, I got to love that BB eight thumbs up. Oh my God. That's great. Pleased to all of you. See, I didn't even catch that.

I heard that I heard about that in like the blowback online. Well, that's that's I mean, it's a complicated thing because here's the thing. People are really defending this movie. And Nick and Nick has talked about this that the majority of people who dislike this movie, yes, are white, probably most likely racist men. They don't like the idea of a young black man being the leader of the movie. I have no problem with that. I thought I think that they're both great actors.

And I thought that was a huge plus. But I thought I think Daisy Ridley is a she was great. And I had no idea how she would be at all. And, you know, Mark Hamill is not a great actor. And it's obvious in the first Star Wars. But but I also don't like people being like, you can't say this movie is. There's there's been a lot of backlash against it where people are like, you're just a grumpy old man.

And I loved Mad Max this year. I thought Mad Max was magnificent. And in this movie was not as good as Mad Max in my mind. I thought it was it just it just wasn't Star Wars to me. It felt like a Marvel movie, including the end where you see Luke Skywalker looking like an idiot, like I do think they didn't Daisy Ridley. Why didn't Chewbacca hug Princess Leia after Han Solo died? Why didn't Chewbacca hug Princess Leia?

You're getting hung up on that to the way they stage that moment. But he hugged her earlier. What's that? He hugged her earlier. They might have been shells. You mean like, you don't know how people process grief. It's not always it's not always rational. It's not always like the way you'd expect it. Chewie, that's like.

No, that's not right. That's like I'm trying to think of an example where I don't say someone's parent passed away or something. But I'm trying to think of like if you're if one of your loved ones, Nick, passed away and then Natalie came into the studio and hugged me. Yeah, that's what it would be like instead of you. It doesn't make any sense. Wait, what are you talking about?

Is this some elaborate cuckolding fantasy you have? You're going to murder one of my relatives and then sweep my wife into your arms? If one of your relatives passed away, you found out in the Doughboy studio and then your wife came into the studio and she immediately came up and hugged me first as like what would happen? That is not at all analogous to Chewbacca not hugging Leia after Honda. Yes, Leia went up and hugged Ray. It doesn't make any sense.

She doesn't even know who Ray is. She does know who Ray is. They established that. For like 10 minutes, she knows who Ray is like I know Jesus Christ. I can't think of an analogy. Here's what I think, Mitch. The guy who I met at fucking five guys today. Oh, yeah, I just remembered this podcast is about chain restaurants.

I completely forgot we're supposed to talk about food at some point. I don't know. That sounds like nitpicking. Mitch, to me, it seems like you keep seeing the movie. You keep liking it a little bit more. You find more and more minor details to harp on. I think in your heart, there is a light that is going to come out where you're going to accept that this movie is good, that JJ in fact did it

and that The Force Awakens is up there with the stronger entries in the Star Wars series. Maybe it's not an original trilogy caliber, but what films are. But it's a good 2015, 2016 Star Wars, as my buddy Jeff Dutton put it. You're right. It comes in at a solid seventh place. Mitch, how much of you being upset with The Force Awakens is because when General Hux is standing at the foot of the giant Snoke looking up at him, that reminded you of your POV when you were underneath your boss's desk

and he asked you to suck his dick. You just got a real sense memory there. Well, my boss also didn't look like a Harry Potter villain. I like Snoke. I'm on Team Snoke. Why? Because he was big? He's big. I like that he's big.

I think that's fun. That's new in Star Wars. You don't see a lot. You don't see the big guy. All right, we've prattled on for close to 20 minutes about The Force Awakens. Hey, we were right. Yeah, we could talk all night about it. But let's get into this week's chain.

Five guys. So five guys, as I mentioned, started in the DC area. It's become a national chain. This is really probably a 21st century burger chain because it really didn't come to national prominence until post-911, the 2003 I mentioned was the date when it was started to expand nationwide. But it's kind of a throwback. Go for it.

I didn't really pay attention to your intro. I was watching a basketball game. But interesting. Yeah. Very interesting. Yeah, it feels like a very current chain. It feels like one of the new ones for sure. Yeah, for sure.

I mean, there are attempts at like a throwback sort of aesthetic in there, like the red and white tile and kind of like the way, you know, the peanuts is a big thing that they have there. They've got free peanuts and they kind of just peanut shells, just kind of a skew everywhere, big sacks of peanuts. Should we talk about that for a second? Yeah, let's get into those peanuts. Well, why did they do that?

I don't quite know. I don't get, honestly, I'll get into my thoughts on five guys, obviously, as we go on. But the peanut thing, I know that they fry their potatoes in peanut oil. Yeah, that's another detail. But they're not trying to make that connection, are they? Yeah, but then I just don't understand why the peanut. I mean, I guess it's a free snack,

but it's just such a weird thing that I don't put together with burgers. I guess like burgers and hot dogs, like a baseball game, sure. Maybe there's peanuts and hot dogs, I don't know. I mean, if you think about it, any sort of like food combination is kind of arbitrary. Sure. But like peanuts, I will say, when I saw that on the register on the counter there,

that's something I would normally walk right by. But then Weigert grabs the ladle, starts going for the peanuts, and I'm like, oh, let's get some peanuts. And then when I sat down, I found myself really going to town on these peanuts. Yeah, why not? They're fun, but I get what you're saying. It's like a big choice that they made that we're going to be

peanut allergy unfriendly. We're going to be the peanut, we've got peanuts that you give away for free. The shells are just kind of everywhere, and we fry our fries in peanut oil. So it's just all this, there's just so much peanut in there. I wonder if culturally that's like a thing. Is that like an east coast or a regional thing?

We're like, because I know I've been to like places where they, it's like a roadhouse grill. And their whole thing is that you, they give you free peanuts and you throw the shells on the floor. Like I know that's a common thing in restaurants. Is that what it's kind of paying tribute to? I guess so, but it still kind of is like, peanut shells are gross and messy.

I just, I still don't, I still don't really get it. I guess peanuts are good. It's just not something that I crave when I'm about to have a bunch of french fries in a burger. I don't know. I, it just, it just feels out of place to me. And now I'll get shamed for this, just like I get shamed for not liking.

No, it's a valid point. It's fine. I, it is a little, it is, I will agree with you that it's a little weird and it's a little bit awkward that these peanuts are present. And you're, you maybe are a little unsure, especially if it's your maiden visit, what you're supposed to do with them

and what their purpose is, what their purpose serves. But other than that, let's get into the food. So Jeff, you and I went together, we ate just before this recording at the Five Guys location. Which is a great idea. Yeah. Very, so stuff. Very, very heavy meal.

We had the Five Guys on Magnolia in Burbank, California. This is your first trip to Five Guys, that correct? Yeah, I've been very excited about this for a long time. Mitch reached out to me about another restaurant first. And then, uh... What was that restaurant? I forget already. It was Q-Doba, Mitch.

Yeah. You reached out because you have, we, I said like, hey, you're in Quincy, can we record an episode of the podcast? And you're like, yeah, well, let's see, the two closest places are Q-Doba and Five Guys. So can we do one of those? Because you wanted to leave your house, you wanted to go the smallest distance from your home.

And guess which one Weiger chose? The chain restaurant, right next to my dad's cemetery. I didn't choose that purpose. I didn't choose that on purpose. You sent me a video informing me of that fact, but I didn't choose that on purpose. I did. I sent a video of Weiger at my dad's grave site,

shaming him perfectly. Here we go. Yeah, it was very, it turned into a very sad trip for me today, because it's a, there's a Five Guys, right nearby. And I had to think about my dad thinking of me doing this podcast, how it would be. There's, you know, Quincy has a lot, we talked about, you know, since I'm in the, I'm in the Northeast,

I'm in the home, I'm from, I'm in the hometown. I'm sorry, the, the town where Dunkin Donuts originated. And so we, we talked about maybe, you know, doing something like I could call in from the first Dunkin Donuts ever, but that restaurant is close to my heart. And I'd rather be in studio to, to talk about it when I don't really give a shit about Five Guys, though I do like it.

It's a good, like as much as I gave it crap for the peanuts thing, which I don't get, the food there is, is really tasty. I like the food. Did you, have you been, you've been to Five Guys before then? You did say you were a, how many? This was, this was my second trip to Five Guys. Oh, this was your second ever trip. I've been there probably a half dozen times total,

although I think this might have been my first or second dine-in experience. It's usually been to go. There aren't a ton out in California, but there are enough where it's, it's something that you'll stumble upon on occasion. But yeah, I remember it was a thing. I probably, I think 2005, 2006, they started showing up on this coast. And I remember them being like a thing people were excited about. I was like, Oh, Five Guys, Five Guys.

Right, right. And like, you know, everyone was talking about it's like, Oh, you know, in and out better watch out. But then like all things like, you know, Southern Californians are so local, or Californians in general are so loyal to In-N-Out Burger, didn't really have a chance to, to dethrone it. Though it has kind of established itself. But, you said it in your dumb intro, but I didn't hear it.

Is it Philadelphia? It's from, it's from Washington, DC, Virginia. Oh, okay. I always, I always kind of associated with the Philadelphia thing. Maybe it's just because it, that's where it's spurred out to first. Gotcha. Yeah. But you could, could also just as easily, Mitch,

be just because you're generally uninformed. Sorry, I don't read the Wikipedia's of a bunch of dumb chain. But Mitch, you didn't have a, you didn't have Five Guys or anything like that. Right. Like, no, this, this, this, this Five Guys and Quincy is new too. And then we know in Ithaca, we didn't have one. No, like, I'd never seen one like even in and out. I didn't see until like later in life.

But a lot of my points of reference for Five Guys are actually like just in and out and Carl's are probably my, my, my go-to beef burger places. Like in New Hampshire, we had pretty much McDonald's Burger King Wendy's and we were like very much Wendy's. Yes. That's, and I've talked about my love of Wendy's on this podcast. I kind of put Five Guys in, I mean, for sure, because there's no drive-through. I put it into a different category from the Wendy's McDonald's burger.

Sure, sure. It's, it goes into that in and out category for me at least. Like, I know that in and out does have a drive-through. It just goes into that kind of like this is a fast food burger, but it takes a couple more minutes and it's a, it's a little different, you know what I mean? And that's why it's, it's, it's with in and out and what else? What's another place like that or fat burger? Yeah.

Which is, which is more of a local thing, but also do that. Or Shake Shack kind, Shake Shack is like the upscale version of that. That's like the elite version. I would say like, I think the distinguishing characteristic between these places and kind of the mainstream fast food places, aside from they've got much fewer locations, but you know, it's just things like when we ordered our burgers, we heard of, they were like, two patties down and we saw the guys take raw patties and just put them on the grill. And I feel like that's a commonality.

Like you're not, you're going to McDonald's, they're not going to take a raw patty and then put it on the grill right when you order your Big Mac. You know, that, that patty's already been sitting there. That patties are probably arrived on site pre-cooked, you know. Kitchen transparency. Yeah, kitchen transparency for sure. It's just like straight up, you can look back there. People are throwing potatoes in the air.

People, people were singing songs in our place. Did you, did you hear that? Did you catch that? Yeah, a little bit. There was some weird, we're not going to take it. They were saying, yeah, that's what it was. They're singing along with the radio. Yeah, there was like, uh,

Do I hear Weiger's order? Um, uh, go ahead. You know what, I, some, the kitchen transparent transparency thing is, is funny. Cause like, yeah, that's kind of great. But then at the same time, I kind of just like feel bad for the employees that they're like, you have to be on display. Like I, I would kind of hate that I wouldn't be able to like get away. You know what I mean?

Like you always kind of have to be seen by these people. I guess a lot of other places, Subway and at least Subway has like a back room. I guess five guys has a back room too. But you know, you know what I'm saying? Like, like every time when I worked at a movie theater, I was like, man, this sucks. Like I'm behind this counter and I just want to disappear from these people. Sure.

And uh, that's, that's, that's why I'm like, uh, it sucks when you got to be flipping burgers and like, and be, be on. Yeah. Yeah. Totally not cool. I mean, like, I feel like a plus side to like sometimes the working a job like that is that you don't have to see people. You know what I mean?

Like you don't have to deal with people. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. And then to have some like fucking idiots be like, my, I don't want my burger that cooked or something or like to be able to talk to those people. It just feels like, yeah, uh, just put them in the back. You can work at RVs or something.

I don't know. You have options for that. Yeah. I guess you're right. I agree. The, the open kitchen concept is always a little like, I would not want to be a worker in that environment. I've also been to like high end restaurants where they have that and they have like kind

of an open kitchen. And that seems very like, because I feel like a lot of those, if you're like a highly trained chef and you're trying to get into fine dining, you kind of like that you have your little sort of shack that you can go away to and like create your masterpiece. And I feel like being on display that I feel like that would be a little bit of a nerving, but I feel like it's not, it's on a different level from something like cold stone where like they have to like, you tip them and then they sing a little song for you. Like that feels very performative and weird for me.

And I always feel very bad for the employees there. I want to give, I don't, when I give tips, I don't want them to say, I feel bad when that, like when I give them a tip and then they break out into a song, it makes me feel bad. I'm like, I want to give you that tip just because I was giving you a tip. Sure. And thanks for like scooping my ice cream. It's not cool. It draws attention to them.

It draws attention to you. Yeah, I don't need that. But you know what? Maybe some people like being out in the open. I shouldn't speak for everyone like Jeff was saying, but I feel like, especially when, like you were saying high end kitchens, it feels like it would kind of mess with my concentration a little bit. Sure.

And also sometimes like, like head chefs are supposed to yell at people too. So I feel like that's kind of a little bit strange too. And also I just would want to joke around and talk normally while I was doing that job. I don't know. I don't know. I, but I guess it's also nice to see what you're getting right in front of your eyes. Yeah. I mean, I think, I think from a customer standpoint, someone who's, and I think that,

that transparent kitchen that, that, that, that didn't point it out. Like that's so much of that is a customer service aspect of fast food is usually so opaque. You don't know what's going on back there. You don't know how fresh your food is. They're making a big show of, of presenting how fresh this is. Like, you know, again, they made a point of, of picking up our raw patties in front of us and throwing them on the grill and seasoning them. You know, we, you could see at In-N-Out Burger, you can see your fries go into that deep fryer

when you order them. That's a big part of it. And it's definitely a thing that, that, that five guys, you know, didn't pioneer, but is, is perpetuating in that, in that particular. No, no, no. You see, just like Force Awakens, give me some of that magic, baby. Do you want a little separation? I want a little separation.

I need some magic. I need to, I, I, I, I need to, I need to use my imagination and see some cool stuff. And then, you know, like, who knows what goes on behind those secret doors of Wendy's in the back area and making the chili and stuff like that. I've heard it's terrible. Use old, old, they clean off the grill and pour that into the chili apparently. But I don't know. I feel like a part of me like, I don't need to see it be made.

I don't know. I got you. Let's talk about the food at Five Guys a little bit. So, Dutton, you and I went and what were your, we, we got similar orders. We had a little bit of overlap. We, we tried each other's food a little bit. But talk us through what you ordered and what your assessment of was everything. Yeah, sure.

We got a, a cheeseburger, which is not a little cheeseburger. The cheeseburgers at Five Guys standard are double patties. So they're like a double, a double double for you in and out heads. And then I also tried the veggie sandwich with cheese, which I wish I'll pull up what was on that later. And then a normal fry, not a Cajun fry and a fountain soda. What was the, so the cheeseburger, like you mentioned, they have a separate item called the, that are, they have a separate little version of everything, which is their singles, their default

cheeseburger, bacon cheeseburger, hamburger are all double patties. That's kind of their, you know, that's their flagship product. They're Five Guys burgers and fries. That's what they advertise. What did you feel? How did you feel eating that cheeseburger for the first time? It was pretty great. I have to say it was like a big, it looked like, it looked unlike a McDonald's Burger King burger.

It was, it was sort of gnarly looking in a, in, in a good kind of hometown grill sort of way. It felt like a dude just like smacked a bunch of beef on a grill and then like fried it up nice. And it didn't even look like two patties. It was just like a sort of like gnarly looking, poking out the bun burger. Yeah. And it was, I got to say, my initial reaction on like even first bite was like, this is a clean eating burger. It was like, you know, sometimes you have a burger from a place and you can just tell like,

this is really good now, but it's going to be so heavy in like five bites. Definitely. And this felt like almost turkey burger-ish in a way where it felt like it was going like clean through the wood chipper. None of that, none of that like, it was just like clean the whole way through. So I don't know. I, I thought it was pretty great, even from the get go. I like referring to your digestive tract as the wood chipper.

Oh yeah. Or is that, are you talking about your chompers and your esophagus? Oh no, this is the whole, the whole system. The whole system, all that working together. Yeah, I will say like that patty is very, and Mitch, I want to get your thoughts on that, but it's kind of this like loosely formed, kind of reminds you of like a homemade patty of just like it's like not, it's not that one you buy from the store that's, that comes in a, comes already round and formed.

It's like you're getting some ground beef. Crumbly. You're coming. Yeah, it's kind of crumbly. It's kind of loosely formed. It's not really symmetrical at all. It's not this perfect cylinder. You'll get it at other fast food restaurants.

And that's kind of, I think part of it, part of its charm. I will say we ate in store, which I don't normally do there, as I mentioned earlier, because it's like so messy and goopy. And you know, I think both of us ordered it as ours as all the way, which gives you the toppings of mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup, lettuce, pickles, tomatoes, grilled onions, and mushrooms. So it's got a bunch of crap on there. And it's this big gooey burger.

I don't think it transports as well. So I think the ideal form of five guys is a dine-in experience. If you do have to get it to go, you know, you don't want to have that 20 minute car ride home. Like hopefully you're not that far from a location. Mitch, tell us about what you got a little bit and give us your thoughts. I got, so I had gone there before. So I've gotten the order of the burger normally. So I got the little, the little burger, the little bacon.

I got the bacon cheeseburger, but the little bacon cheeseburger. Sure. Instead of two patties, it was just one patty. And on top of that, I got mayo, relish, onion, lettuce, pickle, tomato, ketchup, mustard, and of course, bacon is on there. And I'll explain why I got the single patty one in a second. But I got the single patty one. And I was a little nervous that I was like, oh, no, there's going to be too much stuff.

But it actually was really, really good. I thought it was going to get, the meat was going to get lost and all the stuff I put on there. But you can taste it. The bacon was nice and crispy. The burger was, the burger was, the burger was great. I mean, Jeff kind of nailed it. It comes wrapped in, wrapped in tin foil. And it like, it looks like a softball or something like that.

It looks like they like, mashed the tin foil around it and they didn't even care. But I loved it. The burger was, the patty was juicy and the bun was crispy. And it was just, it was, it was, it was really, really satisfying. It's the, the burger itself is just, it's just like, I don't want to call it a, like a barbecue burger because I feel like that's maybe belittling, belittling it. But it's just a very classic, delicious burger. I don't know how else to sum it up.

It was just, it was really great. It was a great burger. And I got the single patty one because I also got a, a cheese dog. I got, I got a hot dog. And I got that with relish, onion, ketchup and mustard. And it was a, it was a pretty, the dog is pretty big and they cut it in two and grill it. You know, they cut the dog right in the middle. And yeah.

So I got, I got the, the, the cheese dog and that was really tasty too. I, I enjoyed that quite a bit. Yeah. I got the, I got myself just a regular kosher hot dog. And I ordered mine with mustard, jalapenos and onions. And they instead gave me ketchup, jalapenos and onions, which I was pretty disappointed by because I'm much more of a mustard than a ketchup guy when it comes to hot dogs. But I powered through it. Yeah, you're right.

It's got a good, a good snap, a good like, like texture to that Frank. I'd never had a hot dog from there before. And I would do it again. If I was craving a hot dog, I feel like five guys are pretty good because there aren't, there honestly aren't a lot of like fast food chains that do a hot dog. That's not a thing that you can get very many places, you know, and I think they do a pretty good execution of it there. Again, you know, some, some nice, uh, toasted as to the bun like you mentioned.

Um, and yeah, that split down the middle thing. I don't know. Don't you got any feelings on the, on splitting down, splitting a hot dog down the middle? I know that's a thing some places do. Other places are pretty big about having the tube intact. I'm a tube intact guy, but I'll say like in general, like with fast food, you're, you're not setting yourself up for a win with a hot dog.

Oh, that's a good point. In general, like, I mean, I guess like I associate him with like Fenway, Franks or like Dodger dogs or whatever, like in a situation like that, but it does. Those are two very different dogs. Yeah, still. Yeah, totally. But like if, I mean, Wienerschnitzel, I guess those dogs, but like, if you're a burger place and you're already doing like all that stuff,

just the idea of offering a dog feels like something I would not do as a, as a restaurant tour. I got you. Yeah. I would say as far as hot dogs go, I mean, Wienerschnitzel is for another episode, but as far as hot dogs from a fast food restaurant go, it's probably one of the best hot dogs you can get. I am also a tube intact guy and I also like boiled hot dogs a lot of the time instead of, instead of grilled.

Yeah. But it didn't, it just splitting it down the middle kind of turns it into like a hot dog sandwich or something. It's kind of its own treat. It actually, it really does change the experience a little bit. I think the, the, if we're talking about fast food hot dogs, you're right. There aren't a lot of places. Wienerschnitzel is very much its own sort of like trashy.

Like it's just like, I like Wienerschnitzel, but it's like a few notches above like an AMPM or a 7-Eleven hot dog. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like very, very, it's a low tier hot dog. This is very much like a nice product that they're trying to present, trying to cook well and present in a nice way. I would say the other place I think of that has pretty good hot dogs in a chain restaurant

standpoint is Red Robin. I think they also do the split hot dog and they do a big dog, but that Red Robin dog is pretty satisfying if you don't want, you don't want a burger there. I've only been to Red Robin one time and I did find in my burger a little sprig of metal. Oh, that's horrifying. It was like a little piece of... Did you order it? Yeah, I was like, add metal please.

No, it was like, it was almost like a spring. It looked like, I don't know. It felt like a piece of packaging. Somehow weird. And it was like my first Red Robin and I was like, I'm just never, I'm just never going to come back. It's fine. I wasn't mad.

I've never sent food back in my life, but I was just like... Jeff, didn't you say that you looked behind the counter and Dr. Robotnik was working the... Oh my God. Thanks for remembering. Jesus Christ. What's wrong, Nick? You didn't want me to bring up Dr. Robotnik? No, I'm always down for a Sonic the Hedgehog reference.

Can I ask you guys about the bacon? Sure. I didn't go bacon because I found that one of two things happened with bacon on a burger. One, you get that sort of translucent tissue-papery looking bacon. Sure. And that's, I don't like that. That's kind of the Subway bacon, I feel like, is the ultimate example of that. And that really, really thin bacon.

Yeah, Subway bacon looks like ghost bacon. And then the other one. Yeah, it looks like dead, weird bacon, yeah. The other one is? It's like if bacon was sentient and had a life of its own, as opposed to the big. It's like some weird, what's the, who does Karope in Hello Kitty? It's like some weird Japanese character sentient bacon and then that dies and becomes a ghost. I'm with you.

Yeah, I agree. It's so translucent, but what was your other point, Jeff? The other bacon. Sounds like a good thing. Is a nice, thick, heavy piece of bacon. But then the problem there is, it doesn't really work with the burger. Yes, you know, like it's sort of like, it doesn't bite the same way as a burger. Maybe you pull the whole thing out.

It's like- Oh, I had no problems in line, but I get what you're saying. I thought you were going to go for, I think this is another bacon version, too crispy. It will just be all of this bacon. And then I, because Wendy's sometimes will do that. Wendy's is usually pretty good for bacon. It's one of the only fast food places I like to get bacon on my burger. But sometimes they can just like, you'll bite into it.

You're like, this was cooked for way, way too long. You'll get a bad batch of bacon. But Nick, what did you think? I thought the bacon was good. I think the Five Guys bacon is good. I'd say it's kind of right in that sweet spot of breakfast bacon. You know what I mean? Like when you get into good breakfast and you get that bacon with your eggs and you're just like,

ah, that's great. It's just kind of like that perfectly cooked texture, the perfect cut. However, I don't think the Five Guys burger needs it. I prefer my Five Guys. I'd prefer to get just a cheeseburger. That's that's usually what I get. I've gotten it with bacon before, but I think you get so many toppings and that meat and that cheese is so flavorful that I don't think you need it unless you're some bacon fanatic, unless you're

one of those, you know, bacon tattoo, you know, IPA kind of guys who's just super into bacon and needs it all the time. I think you can do without it at Five Guys. I'm glad I went without. And yeah, I did see on the menu a little, a little, a little tag that said, add bacon to any shake that made me roll my eyes a little bit. Oh, that's, yeah, that's a little much. Well, I will say that just like Force Awakens, I like to have a little bit of magic and

having that bacon on that burger made it just a little bit more magical. So, and I enjoyed it. And if I went back, I probably would get the bacon again, especially with a single patty. I feel like it worked really well. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. Maybe when you double up on the meat, you don't need that bacon. Go ahead.

Talk about that because I had my first in and out when I first moved to LA like 10 years ago. And I got to say, in and out is my favorite. It's a five forker for me for sure. But I didn't like it at first because I went double, double for the first time. And I've found that my order in and out is two cheeseburger ad pickle. Oh, interesting. So I think, I think I sort of like, I did it wrong. I just like, I took it all out of the packaging and I was doing a double, double with my bare

hands. And I was like, this is a mess. I don't like it. Whatever. I gave it a second chance and fell in love. Yeah. But like, I'm sort of feeling like I maybe should have gone little cheeseburger. It feels like you're like a, you need a little bit more bundly goodness.

You're more of a, of a bun to meat ratio. You need a little more. Yeah. And like the fixings were great. So it's like, you know, maybe a little less beef. I could have been just fine. I don't know. I will say that I am, I don't love like, like even with my sandwiches, I get a turkey sandwich.

Or, you know, like with my burgers, like I don't love loading up on the meat. I like the ratio. I like to have a good ratio of bun and cheese and burger. And I'm with Jeff. I actually really enjoyed the burger with the little, the little bacon cheeseburger. And I'm going to go back to five guys, honestly, because it's been a while since I had the, just the regular, the double cheese and see how I feel about it. Cause sometimes it's just too much beef.

You know what I mean? Yeah. It sounds, I know it doesn't sound like a thing I'd say, but I like too, too, too, too, too much. Like all the time, like if I get like a turkey sandwich that's just loaded with turkey, I'm just like, oh, Jesus Christ. I don't, I don't want that. You know what I mean? Like I want the sandwich experience.

I will say, I feel like either way, you're going to get, it's a, it's a very hearty meal. And if you want to spend a little bit less, or you maybe just want a little bit less meat, if you get that little, don't be thrown by little cheeseburger and think like, oh, this is going to be a tiny portion. That's still a substantial burger. And the regular sizes is pretty, is pretty hefty. So just be prepared. I got a couple of hashtags for people.

Okay. Two, how do you like them dogs? Hashtag, how do you like them dogs? Cause honestly, I want to know if people like them boiled or if they like them grilled, or if they like them split down the middle or plumping in full, in full tubes. You know, I wonder how people, how people, different people eat them. Do you like that knock worst? Do you like that big fatter one?

You like, you like that long skinny dog? Tell us what you think. All right, relax. And then also, hashtag, oh shit, I forgot it already. That's not the hashtag. Hashtag sandwich, what was it? Sandwich ratio, sandwich experience, hashtag sandwich experience. I don't know what, what, what, what, what, what is, what to you is like the ideal

sandwich. You know what I mean? Like, like 30%, what is that equation? What's that equation to you that works? Meat to the rest. It's, yeah, I wonder if you want to, maybe sandwich ratio, not to note you too hard, but sandwich ratio, sandwich equation, sandwich math. If you're trying to ask people what, what their preferred, preferred proportions are.

Cause I think if you just say, Yeah, any one of those work, I don't give a shit. What, what is it for you? What, for you, what, what is that burger equation or sandwich equation? Oh, that's a good question. Well, here's the thing. I find myself eating a good number of protein style or lettuce wrapped burgers. And that's just like kind of a health conscious thing.

And I, I have come to, to enjoy that. I like, I like that to me as its own kind of treat. One of those, it's all about beef. You go big on beef. Yeah. But I would say, I don't, boy, man, I feel like I'm going to throw out a number and it's just going to be wildly off what the actual percentages of the composition are when I get us out.

But to me, I feel like I want us to have, I feel like I want to be, I kind of want to be roughly 50-50 with beef and everything else. Like patty is like half of it and then everything else, including cheese, including bun, including lettuce, tomato, onions, et cetera. Sauce is like the other half. That's a lot of beef though. Do you think so? Do you think I, do you think?

I don't know, maybe. I don't know. Again, I'm not sure. That feels like a lot of beef to me too. That feels like a new mommy to me. Okay. Like a 50% beef, like a chunk. But I don't know.

So what, what are you thinking? Well, well, maybe let's start with like a classic in and out cheeseburger. Yeah. What, what is the ratio of, of meat to the rest there? I'd say that 30. Yeah. I'd say, I'd say even, it might even be 25, but yeah, you're right. It's somewhere between a quarter to a third.

So we do agree on, on the math here. Yeah. I just like more beef. I do. I guess I like a little bit more beef. Cool. Yeah. Yeah.

What do you think, Matt? I would, I would say that little cheeseburger one today was kind of, they really nailed it today where it was just enough beef that the beef didn't get kind of overshadowed by the lettuce and the condiments and all that stuff. Sure. But it was, it kind of, it took, it took up a third of it, you know what I mean? Yeah. Or, and, and, and it was, it was kind of just, just the right amount

were just blended in perfectly with the condiments and bun. But, but overall, I don't need, I don't need a big brick of beef. Yeah. I got you. Yeah. I'm probably, you know, I'm probably full of shit with by 50. That's probably too much. It probably shut a little too high.

I gave it the preface that I might be wildly off. I think I am, I think I overstated it a little bit. I may, I'd be more of a like a 40% man. I feel like I don't want, I don't want an overwhelming amount of beef. The double double from In-N-Out Burger is my favorite individual burger. And I would say whatever that is is kind of what I'm looking for. Although maybe sometimes I can do without that middle bun, which some places use. Um, okay.

So let's, we talked a lot about burgers. We got to dig into fries. Mitch, what did you do in terms of fries? I just got one of the small fries. And you just got the classic, the regular? I got the classic. I didn't get the Cajun fries, which I kind of wish I did. I will say that this place was a little bit, we've talked about this before actually, Nick.

It was just a little too potato-y. It was, it was like very much like, we chop up the potato, we put them in the fryers. And honestly, there was, it was written on the wall where they got their, what potatoes they were using that. Yeah. Yeah, same here. And I just don't think I liked the potatoes. It tasted kind of like an older grainy potato or something.

I didn't, I didn't love them and I wish I'd gotten Cajun fries. It just, but I will say they have malt vinegar there. And right at the end, I started putting malt vinegar on the fries and I ended up loving them with the malt vinegar. Yeah, sure. And that's kind of a nice thing that they have the Heinz malt vinegar on pretty much on every table almost, or it was when I was there. And that was, that's a nice touch.

And I enjoyed that. But for the most part, I was just okay on their fries. They were, they were, they were kind of in the category of like, I want to call them like little wedges or something like a step below wedges. They're not really wedges, but they're so kind of close to wedges. They're, they're just chopped. They're just the chopped up potato-y and potato fries and they're not salted enough. I don't know.

What, what did you think? I, you know, I thought, I like those fries, you know, Denton and I, Denton, as he mentioned, he got the regular fries. I got the Cajun fries and we sort of, we sort of shared a hell of a crossover there. I do like their fries. You're right. They're very potato-y and that peanut oil character does come through a lot. I feel like, you know, having been told it's peanut oil,

you can definitely recognize that in the flavor of the fry. I think that Cajun seasoning is very strong, but very good. Like I really like that Cajun. And I feel like unless you're averse to spice, you're averse to paprika, because it's not necessarily hot, but it's just like a lot of spice. It definitely has that Cajun feel. Unless you're averse to that, I would go Cajun over that regular fry. I don't know.

What do you think, Denton? Yeah, I was, I went with the normal because it was five guys style and I was like, this is my first time here. I'm going to do everything sort of the signature way. So, but then I got to say the Cajun, just, just having a couple, I was like, I would normally go Cajun in this case. But the fries in general, I would say probably better for me than in and out. I know that's a, I would say that they're probably better fries than in and out fries.

Yes. They reminded me, I would say definitively, yes, that they are better fries than in out fries to me at least. Sure. And like they sort of reminded me of like a Wendy's fry that was just like a little more real or a little more like natural or like a, or like a fat burger fry, like this, the skinny version of the fat burger. Yeah.

They've got a little bit more heft to them. They're like, they're like a little thicker than what you might see at a Wendy's and, and you know, like a little higher quality, a little fresher. I'm a defender. A little too earthy, a little too, a little too much skin tasting. Yeah. You definitely can tell that this was a food that was grown from the ground and not, you know, processed in a laboratory and which is a little different from what you get from

a lot of fast food fries. But I'm a defender of in and out fries, but I think I, I would say that the mainstream opinion is going to be that the five guys fries are superior and I can see that because it is a better, I feel like, conventional execution of a French fry. Yeah. I think in terms of burgers and fries, I mean, I think they do both of those pretty well. Mitch, did you do anything in terms of a beverage there?

So I didn't get a shake there and I'm kind of kicking myself over it, even though I shouldn't care because this is just for this dumb podcast. But I didn't do, I didn't do a shake and I really kind of wish I did because I don't know how people feel about them. I went with a diet orange Fanta because they had one of those Coca-Cola machines. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.

I will say that five guys is greasy, even though they still use peanut oil and it's better for you and the calories are really, really high. And so I didn't do a shake. I wish I did, but I did a calorie free orange Fanta from that, the electronic Coca-Cola box. Even that move, I think, is good. Yeah. On their part. What's that?

Even that move of like having the millennial Coke machine where you can have like a thousand, that's a good move on the part of a fast food place. Yeah. I'm surprised we don't see more of those. I like the, anytime we've come across those in a few places we've reviewed and it's always a treat. Like you get that little sort of iPad touch screen you get to go through and you get to customize your beverage to an insane degree. It's always a lot of fun and I feel like the ratio of syrup to soda you're getting out of

those machines is very good, even if you're getting a classic soda. I went ahead and go ahead. Did anyone get a shake? I did get a shake. I got the, I asked for a recommendation from our server. By the way, if you're a Five Guys employee at the Burbank location on Magnolia, you were, you did a great job. We had very nice service.

Everyone was very pleasant with people checking in with us to make sure we had everything we needed. When they called out our number, they delivered our food with a smile. Good recommendations. Yeah, very, very impressed by the service. I think that's something in their favor. So I got a recommendation. The guy was like, I, my favorite is a peanut butter and chocolate milkshake, but don't put in too much chocolate.

Just put in a little bit more peanut butter. So I trusted him on that. It was a good shake, but man, that sum bitch was heavy. It was a heavy, heavy shake. Like I drank about a third of it and I felt like my stomach was just cramping up. It is just so, so, you're just putting cement right into your, right into your GI tract. I mean, it is just, it is very, very heavy. Dutton, you had a taste of that shake.

What did you think? Yeah, I just did about a, I took a little sip. It was actually, I got to say, I missed the peanut butter entirely. Oh, wow. Maybe I wasn't paying attention, but maybe it's just, because maybe just the brown color through me that I was like, hmm, it's chocolate. But yeah, it was fine. It was soupy.

Very, it was not like a, like a frosty or like a frappe. It was just like a thick liquid. Yeah, very. Well, negatoriously on an episode, mislabeled what a milkshake was. Oh, god damn it. The rest of the world in Spoon Nation called them out for being a fool. I said, look, I went out and I went out on a limb and I paid for it online. I was, I kept getting, I got roasted for it, like few things I've been roasted for.

I said that a Dairy Queen Blizzard is qualified as a milkshake and people were lost their minds. They were like, this is a fucking, they went with whatever Mitch's verbiage is of it. Oh, it's a frozen ice cream treat, whatever bullshit you said. And they were like, kind of random. Oh yeah, nice try. But like, I get, okay, I was wrong. It's too chunky to be a shake. The texture is too thick.

This definitely qualifies as a shake, but it's very, very dense. It's very, very rich. I feel like you're going to share it, like share that with a friend or share that with a family member. If you give, I can't imagine just taking a full one of those like all the way to the gut. I mean, it's just, it's just so, so dense, but you're right. Kind of paradoxically, it was like, it's like kind of a thinner texture. It's almost like it leaning more towards a frappe, a frappuccino or a chocolate milk, as opposed to a traditional thicker malts or shake.

Sure, sure. I feel like this is, I just wonder what people's, what is your favorite, like we talked about this before. Carl's Jr. one was one for me. Yeah. But what's your favorite kind of milkshake or a shake from a fast food place? Are we taking, yeah. A sit down place.

And I think you can put in a, what's your shake, what's your shake, what's your shake ranking? Shake rank. So are we, are we going like we do with the, we do with french fries and we add a mount fry more? Is this something of a mount shake more? Or do we not want to open up that can of worms and just name a favorite? Because I think it, no shake stack. Okay. There's a shake stack.

Yeah. Your three favorite shakes. Three favorite shakes. Okay. I would definitely put it in a burger in my top three. That's one of my favorites. Oh boy. You know what?

We've been a steak and shake now a couple of times with friend of the podcast, Evan Susser, who's also from the, incidentally from the DC area. And I think that one would probably be, be up there. It's just like a really good, well-made shake. But I don't know. I don't know what would round mine out. I mean, I love that Wendy's Frosty. I love the Dairy Queen Blizzard.

But obviously that's not a shake. So that doesn't qualify. I think I'd put steak and shake in an out burger. Fuck. I don't fucking know. I don't know. It's really hard. It's really hard.

I don't know. What about you, Denton? I gotta say, I don't really care about shakes. Like I, I will, I will pass and not think twice about it. I've never, I've never looked back at me like, man, should have got that shake. Whoa. Doughboys is off to a controversial start this year.

I'll say this. I, I do like in and outs chocolate shakes. I'll only ever do chocolate if I ever do a shake. And there's this great frosties are great. McDonald's even have had like, you know, chocolate shakes and they're fine. But, you know, I don't care enough to rank them. I'm not even going to like muddy the water here with like, I kind of, I kind of go, I go with chocolate shakes.

I agree with you. But then there's guys who swear by vanilla shakes. I love vanilla. I'm a big vanilla guy. Armin is a big vanilla and a malt guy. Armin Weitzman, past guest from the in and out burger episode. You may remember him for being insane. I'm a chocolate shake guy too.

I, I like, you know what? I might actually go with, I love the Carl's Jr. shakes. I think they're really. They are good. Those are very, those are very good. They make a big deal out of like the ice cream. The top of my list. Fresh scooped.

Yeah. They're fresh. I would say, I mean, those might get the bronze for me. I don't know. I got to think about it. You know, there are good options too, though, like a Foster's Freeze, which is kind of a lower tier, at least in terms of visibility, fast food chain.

But Foster's Freeze has some good frozen treats. I don't know. I'd have to think about it. I'd say for me, it's, it's probably Carl's Jr. I'll just throw three out. Carl's Jr. in and out. And shake. I'll give it to, I'm not Shake Shack.

Steak and shake. What's it called? Steak and shake. Yeah. But would you, like, can you consider an ice cream restaurant in there? Like, would you consider a shake from a Baskin Robbins? Like, does that qualify?

That's tough. See, I kind of want to be, you have to serve burgers or something. Yeah. It's tricky. I think you have to have something else. All right. Let's, let's get to our, our, our final thoughts on five guys. Sorry.

Let me, let me, let me just tag in one last thing. Yeah. The vegetable, the veggie. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. We haven't gotten to that. Um, it was fine.

I, I, uh, wanted to try something off the beaten path and like that was it. And well, it was a veggie. What? It was, it's a vegetable sandwich. All right. I'm going to pull up a menu and read what's on it. It was kind of like looking at it. It's, it's, it's the globious thing I think they offer because it's basically just cheese

and a bunch of their vegetable toppings tossed in between to like in the, in the middle of a bun. It's grilled onions, grilled mushrooms, green peppers, lettuce and tomato. And you can get it with or without cheese. I went with cheese because come on. Yeah. Because it would maybe make that awful thing taste better. Yeah. It was, it was good, but it was, um, very mushy.

Like I think if they had those very same ingredients, but not as diced, it would have been like, but I mean, it seems like, you know, that's how they do the vegetables and it's better on the burger that way. So that's how it's going to be on the veggie. And that's, that's just seems like not the thing to get at that point. Yeah. But if like, you know, if you're listening and you're like not into like beef or something like that.

Yeah. You're vegetarian. That's what you would get. It's your option. I, yeah, I don't, but I think I get what you're saying, Mitch. I don't know if it's the, the ideal option. I don't know. This might be a place where you're vegetarian.

Maybe you stay away. I'm not sure. I'm not sure how you do it proper, quite at five guys. It feels like the meat is such a big part of it. But they, they give you an option, which is more than most places. That's true. That's absolutely true. Before we, before we give our final wrap up thoughts, are there actually five guys as

five guys like you didn't listen to a fucking word of my goddamn intro. You were sitting there stewing about Supreme Leader Snoke. You wanted to fucking get all your anger about Maz Kanata and the fact that the Star Wars movie had a black lead off your chest. You had all this Quincy anger brewing inside of you. What the fuck? My, my mom is going to come down here and fucking scream at you. I said, I don't, I don't think she liked, uh, uh, John Boyle again in the movie either

actually. I was, I told you, I was watching the Lakers play the Kings. Uh, yeah, a game I wish I could be like, you're not even a Lakers fan. I'm a Lakers fan. You're a fan of the Lakers hated foe, the Boston Celtics, and you're lording it over me while I'm trying to do a professional podcast. It's great. They're getting their asses kicked by the Kings.

Fuck off. Anyway, um, yeah, in my intro, there are five guys. There's the guy and then his four sons and that those are the five guys. So it is like the birthday boy. They're like the little birthday boys of the restaurant world. It's sweet. All right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yep. You guys, one of you is a dad and the, and four of your sons. Chris Van Arts-Dalen is involved. The tracks. Um, uh, all right, let's, let's, let's, enough of this bullshit. Let's get to our final thoughts. Um, Mitch, since you're live via satellite, uh, we'll start with you.

Go ahead and tell us, uh, collect your thoughts on, on five guys and give us a, a score from one to five forks. Uh, five guys. Burger is what it's all about for me. I, I, I really, really enjoyed the burger. Um, it's kind of funny because like when, when, I know that it's kind of, it feels like a newer restaurant, but to me, five guys is like weirdly, like it's been around.

It feels like what I've known about it for like close to a decade. People be like, you gotta try five guys. It's, it's great. It, and it felt like an in and out sort of thing. It just, it weirdly now just feels like it's a part of the oversaturation of burgers, but undeniably the burger is good. It's a very tasty burger. They did a great job with a hot dog, but again, why am I going to get a hot dog?

And, and if I go there, I'm going to get a burger. Uh, and maybe I get a shake. I'd try a shake next time, but, but it was clean. There's weird fucking peanuts everywhere. Like it's a circus. Uh, and if you have an allergy to peanuts, you can't eat at that restaurant anymore. So that's a bizarre choice that they made. But, uh, but the burger is what stands out to me and the burger is good.

But besides that, I just, I don't know. I, I'm not going to go in there and sit down for a burger even though it's good. And I've heard that their, their, uh, their bunless options are, are, are, I heard it makes a good bunless burger. And that you've had it before, right, Nick? I have not had the bunless at, at five guys, but I believe that. Okay. Yeah. I've heard that. I heard it's a good option for that.

So for that, maybe I'll go back and get a bunless burger at some point, but I don't know. I really don't know what to think about it because the burger is good, but what else? I just, I'm just going to say, I'll probably get beat up for this, but three and a half. Three and a half forks on the spoon, man. Wow. Okay. Jeff Dunn, your thoughts. All right. I am also a big burger guy. I really, I don't really care about fries generally.

I don't really care about shakes generally. At In-N-Out, I do the two burgers and a Coke and I'm good. And so that's sort of like kind of the holy grail for me. I'm going to be comparing everything to my order at my favorite place. And In-N-Out is also sort of new to me. Like it's, it's sort of like a thing I found in California, same with Carl's. So fries at five guys are better. The burger, I got to say, maybe I didn't quite figure it out,

but I'd compare it more to a fat burger. And I will, I would never choose a fat burger over In-N-Out given the choice. So there's that. It's good. You could do a whole lot worse than fat burger or five guys, but kind of just going off of those two, the burgers and the fries, I got to say, if In-N-Out is five, I don't even think I could give five guys a four because I think that leap is too great. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Like I would. So I'm going to say three and a half for five. Three and a half forks for Jeff Dutton. Man, I already felt bad giving it three and a half forks. Because it's, it's, it's just, it's just such a, it's, it's, it is good. The burger is undeniably good. Yes.

And that's what's so hard about giving it three and a half forks. I kind of want to give it four forks and I, and I kind of want to give it three and a half. I just, it's just this weird thing where I'm like, I don't, I just don't know if I feel the urge to ever have to go to five. And like, and like the five forks is like the, you get home and you're like, oh my God, it was so good. And you want to go back, you want to go, you're like, you have to fucking go here. Yeah. I get what you're saying.

And you know, I feel like my thoughts on five guys kind of parallel yours. Mitch, I think you, you hit on something earlier that we kind of ran past, but I thought was a good assessment of what the burger is, which you called it at like a barbecue burger. And I think by that meaning, not meaning the barbecue flavor, barbecue sauce, but kind of like a cookout burger, like something your dad or your uncle might throw on the grill in the backyard at the pool party or in the fourth of July. And I think definitely that's like the restaurant burger that comes closest to that kind of backyard cookout burger in terms of how the patty is, you know, it's not, it's not a flame broiled.

It's not barbecued. You're not getting that char grill, but you are sort of getting that, that, that texture of the patty, uh, you know, it's kind of loosely formed and crumbly and asymmetrical. And I feel like, you know, and the burger is very sloppy. Like they've just got all these toppings that are kind of thrown on it, almost haphazardly, but that's part of its charm. And it is a very nice, satisfying, unique burger. I mentioned the, all the way that all the things that come on it, uh, on the burger,

if you order it that way, but all the toppings, I think are an asset there. If you're someone who's keen on customizability, just to list the toppings I have real quick, mayo, relish, onions, lettuce, pickles, tomatoes, grilled onions, grilled mushrooms, ketchup, mustard, jalapenos, green peppers, A1 sauce, barbecue sauce, and hot sauce. So you really can make that burger your own. Like how, whatever you want to do with that, you can, you can make that burger your own. Some people like to take advantage of that. Me, I don't like having to make those decisions as much.

I'd rather someone say, Hey, this is, this is, you know, this is our Western bacon cheeseburger. This is how we think this should be served. We hope you enjoy that. And, you know, so, so to me, that's a strike against it. But if you're someone out there who craves customizability, I could see you liking it for that reason. Good service, very consistent, a little sloppy, doesn't travel well, solid fries, shakes are fine if you're craving a shake, but guys, I think we're going in the handling club with this one, because it's three and a half forks from Weiger.

Yeah, I mean, it's, it's, you know, it's, it's good. This is good. This is a three and a half forks is a good score if you saw a movie that gets three and a half stars, usually it's four stars, a four star sale. But imagine a five star rating system. You see a movie gets three and a half stars. That's a good movie. It's Bridge of Spies. It's Bridge of Spies.

You're not going to get excited about it. No, Bridge of Spies is one of my favorite of the year. All right, fine, whatever. I haven't seen Bridge of Spies yet. Well, I'll trust that and over you on Bridge of Spies because you're dead wrong on Force Awakens. But like, like, like, you know, like it's not three and a half is like a good fun movie. That's a, that's a what? The Good Dinosaur, which I also haven't seen.

That feels like a three and a half fork movie, right? Three and a half stars. Like that's what the, you're going to go get the Good Dinosaur. You're going to have a good time. Your family will be amused. But it's maybe not a thing that you're going to pop in the Blu-ray player every, you know, every month or so because you want to check it out again and again and again. It's just hard for me because the burger is legitimately good.

It's a good burger. It might be in the top five to six burgers, like as far as fast food. As far as fast food chains. Yeah. It does that element right. You're right. And it really nails it, but it just besides that, I just don't really know. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I got you. Yeah. You're really hitting the nail on the head there, Nick, with the options. It feels like, like a little bit of a Mac versus PC thing. Yeah, sure. Where it's like, there's so many options and tweaks and customizations that you can do. But just like the back and forth that you had with that very knowledgeable and helpful staff guy, the cashier.

Yeah. But like it just goes to show, it's just not, it's a stylistic difference. I'm much more into like the animal style or just the very strip down, give it to me, how you think it should be. Yeah, Carl's Jr. They give you the burger right just the way they think of it. It is like the good dinosaur of burgers. I thought that was his best. You're taking it back to good dinosaur.

I like this. Which I'm sure you saw in a theater full of children and the parents. I did see, I will say, I did see pixels alone by myself in a theater full of kids. And that was a very unnerving experience. That was where I was like, I'm 35 now. I can't go to see a children's movie by myself, especially when I have like a wife who could come with me or like adult friends I could go with. Like it's just too weird for me to go there and watch a movie like sitting next to a man's

two daughters. So yeah, I've got a, I'm going to stop doing that. That was a very unnerving experience. Oh, you also, I think we've very have said this before, but you wear overalls and have a giant lollipop. All right, those are our thoughts on five guys. It's time for a regular segment here on the podcast. Jeff Dutton, you've been sentenced to death.

What? So Mitch, you're, you're an executioner here. You're, you're our judge jury. You fill all those roles, much like Judge Dredd. What is Jeff's crime? Why has he been given the ultimate punishment? Okay, well, I didn't know that we were doing this segment, so I have to come up with this off the top of my head, but.

You're a skilled improviser. Yeah. It's the future, Jeff. In the game, Mega Man, it actually foretold the future. Mega Man actually comes to exist. Wow, the creation of Dr. Light himself. That's right. Wow.

And Mega Man was created in Jeff. You aid Mega Man in his attempt to take down Dr. Wiley. And you are sentenced to death and captured by Dr. Wiley. Wow. What's that? So he, so this isn't the, the government that's done it. This is Dr. Wiley is taking him, this is like a supervillain taking him into his lair and he's going to execute him for his own amusement for, for out of the sake of vengeance.

Dr. Wiley is president. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. So all the, all the institutions are all the same. It's just Dr. Wiley's president. Dr. Wiley, he ran for president. Uh-huh.

And he won. Wow. He had a good campaign. A very, as opposed to Trump, it was a very positive campaign. Yeah, yeah. Dr. Wiley went around and met with Killer Mike and a diner and discussed all the problems. Okay, so you go ahead. But Jeff is aiding Mega Man in his attempt to take down Dr. Wiley and he's sentenced to death.

And the way that you'll die is you have to fight Leaf Man. So, okay, so, so this is basically a situation where if the beloved president is Dr. Wiley, then Mega Man is Usama bin Laden and Jeff is an American Taliban or an American ISIS. So this, this is- Yeah, I mean, sure, you can say that. So this is kind of how this is, but this is roughly how the players are positioned analogous to our current geopolitical situation. He's going to be executed by fighting Leaf Man.

Now, is there a Leaf Man? Are you thinking of Wood Man? Yeah, I think he's thinking of Wood Man. I think you're thinking of Wood Man who has a leaf shield. No, I'm thinking of Leaf Man, a new character. A new one of Dr. Wiley's robot masters that he's cooked up in his lab specifically to take down Dutton. So, Jeff, you're staring death in the face.

You know that you stand no chance unarmed against Leaf Man. He is going to take you down, but Dr. Wiley is giving you one last meal. What is your last meal? Take your time. I will. You know, it doesn't have to be a normal portion. You can go a little opulent. You can ask for a few more things on your plate than you might normally get.

But it's your last meal. It's your last thing you will ever eat. I will certainly do you in. It's meant to kill me? Well, I might have to go with a buffalo chicken pizza as like the center of it. Wow, that is a very specific unusual choice. That's very interesting. I assume that might be an upstate New York delicacy?

Buffalo chicken pizza? Where did you, why did that, is that curry so much favorite with you? Well, I used to be more of like a barbecue, like a CPK barbecue chicken pizza, like that combination of like pizza, but with something like chicken on it, like barbecue. And then the whole buffalo aspect is just basically like you got wings minus the bones on pizza, which is already great. I'm thinking mostly of a pizza called the Syracuse at Tomato Pie. That's not an endorsement of Tomato Pie.

This one would be better, but it would be something along those lines. Do you get, now, is there like a little blue cheese or dressing on that? Like, how is the wing component exactly realized? Interesting, I, it's sort of like a, I don't cool it. Gotcha. I like blue cheese. I don't like blue cheese dressing. Okay.

That's a distinction a lot of people make. But buffalo chicken or like wings to me always tastes better when there's another one right behind it. That's really interesting because that's such a, I feel like so many people will have like pizza and wings. We've talked about before on this podcast how wings have become to pizza, what fries are to burgers. It's just like the side, but you're just cramming them together. And this is the last thing you're ever eaten.

And you're saying, this is my center pizza, buffalo chicken, buffalo chicken pizza. You might be the only person in America who that would be what comes to mind for their last meal. But I applaud it. I applaud it. What else are you getting with that, Dutton? Perhaps a, perhaps a side of some sort. Yeah, let me think of a good side. Well, it's weird because with a buffalo chicken pizza, yeah, you're not getting wings.

Yeah, no. Yeah, that's, it's all, it's all in one. Yeah. I mean, you're, you're sort of getting the best part of wings. But um, yeah, the meat. Oh, Jeff sounds like, Jeff sounds like a bonus. Yeah, I think Jeff's on team bonus. I'll do either.

Okay. But um, I'll say also a lobster. Lobster is um, is a big New England thing. Yeah. Maybe you should have said lobster first. It would make me a little more, a little more of a classy dude. How do you like your lobster, Jeff? Oh, I love it.

Boiled. Just like a stage, like a straight up boiled steamed lobster that you're dipping in a little bit of butter. Yeah. You know, I, my parents used to do the whole like, you know, hey, we got the lobsters from the supermarket. And they'd be like alive. And it would be like, ah, and now I really don't like the fact that you like have to, you don't have to kill them. I mean, like that's, that's what you do with lobster is you, you boil them alive, which I don't love.

But the taste makes up for it. Perhaps ironically, they are being executed in a very grim fashion so that your last desire can be satisfied before you are executed. Mitch, you're a New England, uh, you're a New England boy born in bread. What do you think about, uh, how do you like your lobster? Uh, I too like my lobster boiled. I had actually, well, here's the thing. My mom took me to this restaurant, Reno's tonight, which is in East Boston,

is a really fantastic Italian restaurant. And I was so stuffed from eating this dumb five guys today that I could barely eat anything. But, uh, there was lobster, lobster raviolis and they were delicious. It was a, they were fantastic. They were buttery and, and, and so good. But, uh, yeah, no, I, I eat my boy. By the way, Jeff, in your world, leaf man actually will cook the lobster for you. That's, that's good of him.

They wouldn't get heat man to do that or anybody else like fire man. No, no, leaf man does it. I, I, I like lobster, but it's funny. I am a pizza guy. I would probably choose pizza. I wouldn't go, I wouldn't go like for some fancy meal or something like that. Who are you trying to impress at that point? So I, I get where you're coming from.

Yeah, I like that. Um, yeah. And also we mentioned on the podcast before I used to get lobster. I used to do that. It's a, it's a New England thing, but we used to race lobsters. I told you that. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Huh? Before we boiled. I think we mentioned that on, we mentioned that on the Long John Silver's episode with Mary Holland. I think that was way back. There might have been episode five or six. So it was pretty early, pretty early on in our run. And it sounded very grim that you would like make these lobsters race

and then you would eat them afterwards. And it wasn't like you would free the winner. It was like you would, you would kill everyone, but just in one, one last gleeful bit of torture, you would like force them to race each other. It was like the hunger games. Yeah. Except I was hungry and we ate all of them. So Jeff, you've got your lobster, you've got your Buffalo chicken pizza,

any sort of beverage, any sort of sweet treat you're going to get along with that before Leaf Man does you in? That's a really good one. I used to love cream soda. Cream soda. Wow. Okay. Not so much anymore.

But like that, that was a big thing. I would sneak it. That might be a nice nostalgia pick though. That might be the kind of thing of like, oh, going back to my childhood a little bit. Yeah. This would probably have to be like a, like, just give me the most expensive liquor. Gotcha. Just to spite Dr. Wiley so I can build a few less construction hat things that shoot pellets.

Sure. Give me that $400 bottle of scotch. I don't think they throw wrenches, don't they? No, they do all sorts of stuff. Uh, Jeff, I'm disappointed. I thought you were going to say, Jeff and I used to bond over and get Piquito Mosquitoes together. I was hoping that would make it appear.

Ooh, that's a good one. Yeah, we'll throw in one of those two. That's what it is, Piquito Mosquito. All right. So you got your Buffalo chicken, go ahead, good Mitch. Oh, no, you go. You got your Buffalo chicken pizza. You got your lobster.

You got your cream soda. You got a Piquito Mosquito as a chaser. Mitch, what ends up happening? Well, just in the nick of time, Rush, Mega Man's dog, comes to your rescue. And he... Not even Mega Man? No, Mega Man, he was busy.

Rush? Rush comes to your rescue and he defeats Leaf Man. He defeats him? And the only way you can defeat Leaf Man, which is by taking you away from him and you win. Mega Man doesn't really have too many powers. So he took you away and you're free of Leaf Man. You're on to fight another day with Mega Man

and the rest of the new Taliban army. And I have no hand in my own escape or success. Nope, Rush came up to you and you stepped on him and you rode off. Boy, Mitch, you were right to criticize the craftsmanship behind the Force Awakens with the epic yarn you have just spun. Of a man being imprisoned and then rescued by a dog with no resolution beyond that. I feel like I lived it.

What a tale. It's great, it's exhilarating. It's like the epic of Gilgamesh. Oh, Leaf Man dies too. Oh, that's good. How's he die? He got sick. Perfection.

All right, that's last meal. Looks like a restaurant. We value your feedback. Let's open up the feedback. Today's email comes to us from John Escobar. Subject line, Postmates? Question mark, exclamation point, question marks. How do you hoe, dough boys?

Loyal patron of Spoon Nation in the Burger Brigade just started working for the delivery service Postmates and was curious if you've had any experience with it. If you have, do you think it's just a passing trend or can it and other services like it? Change food for the better. Change food delivery for the better. Thanks for reading, guys.

Hope we were able to guide the Spoon Man to completion since the last episode. All right, Jeff. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it was. The hashtag last episode was a hashtag help Spoon Man jerk off every year. It was a lot of pictures of Raquel Wells.

Yeah, that was you were trying to find out who the woman was on the poster in the Shawshank Redemption. So yeah, there's some context there. Raquel Wells is who I was thinking of. So thank you for that. And yes, I did. I jerked off to every one of those pictures, guys. Also, remember, did you see that they sent a really attractive

Wendy's cartoon? Oh, yeah, there was some Wendy's Girl hentai or something. It was just very erotic. It's not quite hentai. It wasn't explicit. There was no penetration or doodity or anything. But it was a very sexy kind of anime Wendy's Girl that I was like. Could you tell if it was based on the classic Wendy?

Like Dave Thomas' daughter? Yes. Is this the newfangled hipstery millennial? No, it wasn't based on the actor, the current actor and the recent commercial campaign. It was based off of the classic art of the Wendy's Girl, but she's just been made a little sexy. Yeah, that was pretty easy on the eyes.

Yes, I was a fan. Thumbs up. Let's talk about Postmates. I have not used Postmates. And I should clarify, I'm realizing this has sounded like a branded segment for Postmates. This is not what that is. It's not going to be in a second when you rally against this.

I will say, I don't like Postmates. I haven't used it because on principle, I've read a lot about how, and maybe John has a different experience. I hope he has a good employment experience. But I've read it, like of those services where you kind of have someone on an app to do something for you, that that's one where people are criminally undercompensated and that they're routinely paid less than they expect,

as opposed to something that's maybe a little bit more established and reputable. And so, I don't know, I feel a little iffy about Postmates. But what about you, Jeff? Have you used Postmates at all? I have not, but my cousin just moved to LA. And he's a graphic designer and he has been driving for Postmates. Oh, wow.

Okay. Had no qualms when I talked to him. Oh, well, that's good. Okay. So, I don't know if that informs any of this, but he's done a little driving for, I think it was Uber, could have been Lyft, and then also definitely Postmates, and said that he enjoyed it because he gets work sporadically

and he cares about his work. And he doesn't like being told by the man that he's got to work from five to 10 or whatever. Gotcha. In both of these cases, he gets to completely run his own schedule and work when he feels like it. And it's good for a young artist. Sharing economy in action.

Oh, what about you, Mitch? You've used Postmates. In fact, I think you've used Postmates to get Taco Bell, correct? I have used Postmates to get Taco Bell, amongst other things. It's funny because it is just like a delivery system. I agree with you. What future are we going to go into where people, like there'll be so many jobs that are like these apps

that are at the tip of your fingers and call upon someone? It is a weird thing. Could it turn out to be a dystopian future with some of these apps? Sure, certainly. I don't like the fact that these people are underpaid, but if it's giving some people work and if they're enjoying it, and if I can, like, oh, my thing is I work and I go home, and LA sucks with driving, and I would rather pay someone 20 bucks.

Not all the time, but sometimes when I come home from work, I'd rather just be like, oh, I didn't pick up dinner on the way home from work. I don't usually make food. I usually order food. As you know, Nick, in the industry that we work in, a lot of the times you'll get lunch in a job, and it's just kind of, a lot of the time, a lot of people just don't have food in their homes.

At least a lot of the people I know, kind of Bachelor or Loser guys. But for that reason, I kind of like being able to order Taco Bell if I had too much to drink, I don't want to go drive down to Taco Bell. You can order Taco Bell because you're in the house. So on some sides, it's a plus, but I get what you're saying. I get your holdups about it, but I use it, and I do think it's great. I actually think it's kind of expensive,

and that's why I don't use it too much. But if that's going towards a driver, then I'm okay with it. I'm afraid it's probably just going towards the corporation, unfortunately. But yeah, it strikes me as the kind of thing that you want to make sure you tip well if you use this service. Yes. Because you can't be certain how much the driver is actually making. For sure, yeah.

And I will always at least tip 20% always, which with that service, it's a decent number because of how high the price is. But I feel like it's a good thing. I don't know where it's going to lead. I don't know the exact situation for the employees. I'm happy to hear that Jeff's cousin is enjoying it. But yeah, to have something, any sort of beyond delivery, other places that don't normally deliver to have it get delivered to you, it's great.

I enjoy it. I like this guy's name, Escobar. It's a good name. It seems like it's a service that people like, and I know people who use Postmates enjoy it. I've certainly used things like services that are akin to that, like Lyft and whatnot. I do worry that, like you were saying, you use the word dystopian, that we're just going to become like a bunch of contractors.

And everyone just kind of has their fleet of servants who they use via apps to do their errands. And to me, this is the kind of technological future that leads to a president, Dr. Wiley. And we all know that if that happens, that our dear friend, Jeff Dutton, is going to be executed at the hands of LeafBad. So I mean, I just worry about the, I mean, people do like Postmates, but like, I just hope that ethically, and it all works out. You can't rely on these corporations, especially in the Silicon Valley, especially the tech industry, to be benevolent.

So I just think we need some sort of controls to make sure that these are, the people are just compensated fairly for their labor. But I mean, then again, we do, we have a fucking chain restaurant, fast food podcast, and service workers in the food industry are treated. So are largely underpaid and treated poorly. So I mean, that's just a larger issue that we're all wrapped up in. Also, Rush will save Jeff if he gets... That's true. You're right. I forgot to detail that picture.

I want to quickly say Escobar, I'm going to Columbia in February, February 10th to the 14th. And I hope my mom doesn't listen to this podcast because she'll hear this and she'll flip out. But if anyone's been down to Columbia and have any cool places to eat food down there, let me know. And also start tweeting at us to be the new replacement host for when I get killed in Columbia. Mitch, you're not going to get... First of all, I like that you leapt to Columbia just from this man's last name being Escobar. But I guess it is a Colombian surname, I don't know. But anyway... Pablo Escobar, right? Yeah, Pablo Escobar.

But that's like a drug lord that you don't necessarily want to associate with a... Just a very nice guy who emailed us. Oh yeah, sorry. It's all right. I'm making too big a deal out of this. Anyway... Oh, by the way, I'll say something to you. The Lakers have come back, by the way. Hey, all right. There you go. Be a little happier for fuck's sake, 2016.

If you have a question out there for the Doughboys podcast, you can email us at Doughboys... Sorry, you could email us at Doughboys... Why did I say at? Why am I saying the at first? I've forgotten how email addresses are structured. You can email... Yeah, it's a rocky start to the year. What? We're almost home. We're almost home. I'm fucking it up. If you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants, you can email us at Doughboyspodcast at gmail.com.

I was saying the at in the right place. It was just a nasty edit, poorly. Follow us on Twitter at Doughboyspod. Check out our Facebook page, just Doughboys. Jeff Dutton, God bless you. Thank you so much for joining us. Thanks so much. Volunteering so much of your time. Thanks for having me. Coming out to Five Guys and enjoying a meal myth with me. Do you have anything that you would like to plug? Yeah, sure. Mitch and I and the rest of the birthday boys are going to be in San Francisco

on Sunday, February 17th at Cobbs. That should be fun. We try to get up there. We probably go every year now. And that's as part of the San Francisco sketch fest, correct? So I think people can get tickets on the SF sketch fest website. Am I right about that? That's correct. Cool. If you haven't seen the birthday boys in person, maybe you've seen their IFC TV show, maybe you've seen some of their videos. One of the best sketch groups in the world. Such a funny live show.

They're friends of mine, but I love them even to the word. Mitch isn't really a friend of mine. So go check them out if you're in San Francisco. If you're in the Bay Area, check them out. You kissed everyone else's ass in the birthday boys. Speaking of tickets, I haven't gotten my ticket to LA or San Francisco yet, so maybe I won't even be there. Yeah, well, we'll see. And I know that since we've figured out how to record you doing the podcast via an iPad and FaceTime that I will never see you expect to be doing a lot of this,

you're never going to make the 15 minute drive up to Burbank from Hollywood again, even when you're in LA. I'm staying in Quincy. Me and a girl there. Yeah, set up a life. Why not? All right, that'll do it for this. Okay, I'm sorry, Mitch. That'll do it for this episode of Doe Boys that we're already going to very weird note. Until next time, for Mike Mitchell, The Swoon Man, I'm Nick Weiger. Happy eating.