Doughboys - Honeybaked Ham with Kevin T. Porter

Episode Date: April 16, 2020

Podcasting titan Kevin T. Porter (Good Christian Fun, Inside Voices) returns to the show for a post Easter discussion of spiral cut ham purveyor Honeybaked Ham. Plus, the debut of Spoonman's solo segment, Treat or Skeet.Sources:How Easter Ham Became a Delicious Traditionhttps://www.marthastewart.com/1538183/how-easter-ham-became-traditional-easter-dinnerWhy Do We Eat Ham on Easter?https://www.thedailymeal.com/eat/why-do-we-eat-ham-easterOrigin of Easter Hamhttps://www.allaboutjesuschrist.org/origin-of-easter-ham-faq.htmHam Trendshttps://www.porkcdn.com/sites/all/files/documents/Retail/HamTrends.pdf12 Things You Should Know Before Eating HoneyBaked Hamhttps://www.delish.com/food/a19600132/honeybaked-ham-history-facts/The Honey Baked Ham Co.: About Ushttps://www.honeybaked.com/about-usWant more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

And when he had apprehended him, he put him in prison and delivered him to four quaternions of soldiers to keep him, intending after Easter to bring him forth to the people. Acts 12.4. This is the only mention in the King James Bible of the term Easter, the Christian celebration of the resurrection of Christ which, like most of its holidays, has its roots in pagan tradition. And while Easter's most common culinary connection is with eggs, both dyed real ones and chocolate candy replicas, there's another food that's closely tied to the holiday, at least in the US.

Ham. For centuries, the standard Easter feast was a leg of lamb, and in most parts of the world that tradition continues. But in America in the mid-20th century, lamb went on the lamb after ham went ham and claimed the throne as the preferred post-church protein. Some suspect due to the World War II wool ration that led to a sheep shortage, others think Americans just preferred the saltier, fattier product, naturally. And despite this tradition's relatively brief history, it's become entrenched in

American Christianity. According to the National Pork Board, ham sales in the month of April are four times higher than average. Which means each April, much like the Messiah, untold thousands of pigs are brutally killed and entombed for three days, only an assault brine instead of a cave. In 1944, as ham's stateside popularity was surging, a Detroit man named Harry J. Hanseler was awarded a patent for apparatus for slicing ham on the bone, a device enabling a new process he dubbed spiral cut.

A decade in change later, with the twin gimmicks of spiral slicing and a thick, sweet glaze, Hanseler opened a ham concept in Detroit, later offering sides and other protein options. Over the years, this ham purveyors dinner in a box products have become not just an Easter, but a year-round tradition for harried hosts and home cooks who just wanted to take a load off. And today, Hanseler's chain hawks ham in 400 locations across 40 states. This week on Doe Boys, Honeybaked Ham. Welcome to Doe Boys, the podcast about chain restaurants.

I'm Nick Weiger, alongside my co-host, SpaghettiVeter, the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. Like Eddie Vedder? Like Eddie Vedder, but SpaghettiVeter, that's from Ryan Alexander Robinson, who said he searched to make sure it wasn't used and he was surprised that it wasn't. So there you go, novel entry from Ryan, roastspoonmanatgmail.com if you have an insult you'd like me to use at the top of the show. I heard some SpaghettiVeter on the way to our restaurant just 45 minutes ago, yeah. Were you listening to the Bill Simmons podcast?

I was not listening to the Bill Simmons podcast, it was even flow was on the radio. We got Joe House here, we're going to talk through the top 10 NBA players you'd want to be quarantined with, and then we're going to bring in Cousin Sal and we're going to do parlays on which celebrities are going to die of COVID, all that coming up soon. But first, Pearl Jam. What's up, Bill? Quick question, who won the pandemic? And then I heard a little stairway to heaven from Led Zeppelin, wow.

Has anyone done like a bread Zeppelin? I'm sure someone's done a bread Zeppelin for you, something like that. For me? Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Do you think I keep track of what they make fun of me for? Yes, because you hold grudges. No, I don't.

You're a man with many grudges. My grudge is against you. I was checking on Mitch's Tumblr the other day and he did have a post that said, my grudges keep me warm at night? I thought that was strange. Yeah, very odd. Mitch, how are you holding up? I'm good.

I didn't like that I said I did Led Zeppelin with Beatles voices. Wait, is that what you did? I couldn't hear you. Yeah, Led Zeppelin. It's us, Led Zeppelin. So I think the quality of audio I'm hearing on my end, and Bill says this will be different from the listeners because you're recording on your end, but I think I couldn't quite discern that subtle of a difference.

You don't have to do this big song and dance, it just was bad. I didn't think it was bad, I just didn't even know you did that. Oh, you really liked it? Yes, I think it was good now. So British accents are coming through as American. Isn't Led Zeppelin British? They are. Yes, that's the whole...

So you were doing a British accent, that's what I mean. I could not tell the difference. This is you have taken all the fun out of this. All the fun of it is gone. I was just explaining why I didn't react. I thought it was fun, I thought it was a good choice, I just couldn't tell that you were doing something Beatles specific. Jesus, can you start over again just with your Simmons bullshit, we'll just go from

there. Led Zeppelin is also from England. Yes, that's why I'm so... So to me it was fun to have two Beatles voices. That was my confusion, is I thought you were just doing a generic British accent. I didn't realize you were doing a Beatles specific voice. That's fine. How are you doing Wags?

I'm hanging in there, you know, I feel like my, you have days that are not as good mental health wise, but I think that overall I count my blessings because we're safe and we're housed and we have food and entertainment and I have a companion, so it's, you know, I think yeah, overall doing alright. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? That wasn't a shot at you, I'm saying that I'm counting myself lucky is that I'm shacked up with somebody that I love and that we get to, you know, have, we can spend time together and it doesn't get as lonely as it gets for some people.

I'm not saying, that's not a shot at you. You know who I'm shacked up with? Shaq. Shaq's there? I'm shacked up, S-S-H-A-Q. Wow, it's crazy that he still refuses to do the podcast. But that's amazing, you're cohabitation with Shaq, he must take up a lot of space there. Hey Shaq, what's up?

Hey, you gonna eat the rest of all this ham? No, you can have it, my friend. Shaq sounds a lot like George Harrison. Hey, you gonna eat the rest of this ham, mate? Mitch, do you have a drop for us? Uh, yeah I do. Here we go. It's something I already have, Nick, a Big Mac coin.

Big-Mac Coin. Big-Mac Coin. Big-Mac Coin. Big-Mac Coin. Big-Mac Coin. Big-Mac Coin. Big-Mac Coin. Big-Mac Coin.

Big-Mac Coin. Big-Mac Coin. Stop saying Big-Mac Coin. Who wasn't that funny? Wow, what a drop we heard. Our guest is slapping his knee. Oh, man, great drop there from... Yeah, no, that was a great... Hey, that was a great drop from...

Luke Courtwright, who says... Really wish I was better at this, but here you go. Thanks for keeping on with the podcast on our global pandemic. I think a lot of us need it. Luke, Luke, I disagree, but thank you for sending in the drop, and I hope you're doing well. Wow. Wow.

You know, definitely thank you to... Luke Courtwright. ...for that drop. And, hey, if you want to send in a drop, maybe you've got more time on your hands right now because you're stationed at home. You've got some audio engineering expertise. SpoonmanDrops at gmail.com, if you want to send one in.

Yeah, if you want to send in a drop, just send an email to... SpoonmanDrops at gmail.com. You know your own email, don't you? No, email. You're going to look that up later? I just said it. It's a part of the joke. I know.

Hey, we have a great guest with us, joining remotely, a writer and editor from the podcast, Inside Voices and Good Christian Fun, which is right here on Head Gum. Kevin T. Porter, hi, Kevin. Hey, thanks for having me back, friends. Oh, my God, it's been too long. I was looking, because we have repeat guests on, and this is your second time on the podcast,

and I looked it up and was like, I feel like we had Kevin on pretty recently, 2016. Last time you had me on was also an election year, and what does that mean? Wow, what does that portend? I don't know, but it's been four years. It took a global pandemic to invite me back, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

If we need another global pandemic for number three, let's do it. Hey, I got to tell you, we got a lot of one-and-dumbs. You know, some person comes on the show, they do their thing, it stinks, they're never allowed back, right, Wags? I mean, I wouldn't say that about people like that. Well, no, I do listen, you know,

and I am a listener of the show, I'm still a fan of the show, and any time there's someone on as a guest that makes Mitch nervous, he always says, our guest today is actually good, not like our shitty people that we have all the time, and it does make me wonder, was I one of the shitty people? Was I one of the one-and-dumbs? Of course not.

They're all better than me, all of our guests. Is there a guest I truly don't like? Probably. Yeah, go through the archives, I'm sure you can find one. No, yes, Mitch, you have some credits. I can name a few. Why are you making it real, Weiger? Yeah, there are some that you don't like, actually.

Shut up! We're playing along, I'm playing along. That's not playing along. I was playing along. That's, yes, Andy, that's something he learned at the UCB institution, a thriving institution that continues to educate people to stay. You know what, I've learned a lesson of like,

as far as like high school or college or anything like that, like I've never been like rah-rah, I'm proud of it, probably more high school than anything else, but, and not even that, but with UCB, I was like, hey, I'm kind of proud that I like went here and I like this place, and it feels like, you know, a mistake. I should never have had any pride in it, it's taught me something.

Don't take pride in anything, it's just going to ultimately be an albatross around your neck. I wanted to ask you, Kevin, before we get too deep into NDLA comedy minutiae. And we're going to get deep into it, my friends. We're going to get deep, we're going to talk IO. We're going to do Seth Simons' impressions,

we're going to do fucking Sharna Halpern memes, the works. Kevin, obviously we're in the midst of this COVID-19 pandemic and we're all locked down here in SoCal. What have you been doing food-wise during this quarantine? Well, everyone, it feels like, is making up the rules as we go as far as what's the most ethical, responsible thing to do. Yes, so at first it seemed like go to your grocery stores, get all the food you can, and then don't do anything ever again.

And then that shifted to like, oh, well, actually don't go to your grocery stores, especially the first three days of the month, because people with food stamps need to get in there and they need their access, so don't mess up for them. And then it's become like, support other businesses and get takeout, but then that became, well, don't support chain businesses with takeout, don't get delivery from Outback Steakhouse, do like local businesses,

but then it's like, well, you're putting a Postmates guy in harm's way. So for me, just like navigating the kind of mine field of what is good and just right now, I have been cooking more at home. I am a big, well, not big, but I love to bake. I love baking cookies and I try not like little bread and things like that, but when you're just baking for yourself,

there's a lot less motivation to make, say, a batch of two dozen cookies, because there's nowhere for it to go. I could like drive around and drop them off at people's houses, but then even it's a 50-50 if they would accept them or like feel safe taking them. So my baking has diminished significantly, but I've tried to like, I feel like now is a nice opportunity to get better at dishes I haven't tried before

and get into different rhythms of like, for breakfast stuff, I've been making like a little egg sandwich every morning, like one of those nooks and crannies biscuits, toasted with a little butter and a deep fried egg, or not deep fried, just regular fried egg, piece of provolone cheese on that, maybe a little bit of avocado. That's a great breakfast treat. I've been trying to do that more and more.

Sounds great. Yeah, or like even trying to fry potatoes, finally, just the way I like them. I think I figured out exactly that a couple of days ago, which was like some olive oil, some butter, garlic, salt, pepper, red pepper, and a little garlic powder on top of that. So I'm happy with the way those came out. We just got...

Go on, Mitch. Oh, we got a little overlap, Wags. Classic overlap. Classic zoom overlap. Hey, in the pandemic, every podcast is a Robert Altman movie. Every single one. Is this Doe Boyz or Nashville? I...

You know what, now I forgot... Oh, no, I forgot it. It's gone. It's gone forever. You were about to say we just got... Oh, we just got an order to not go... We were told not to go to the grocery store. Yes, this was a local L.A. County ordinance.

And I ran out of groceries yesterday. No. And then I was like, what am I gonna do? So I'm in a spot where I get a... I mean, today it was covered, because I just went and got the meal for our place today. That'll cover you. I mean, because that's a big meal that you got,

so that'll cover you for at least lunch and dinner. Yeah, my dinners are squared away. It's basically breakfast and... Oh, you piece of shit. What? That's like three bites for you, right? Fucking needling me in there. I'm not gonna eat a whole ham...

I don't eat a whole ham in three bites, Kevin. Wait, is it true you call blocks of ham quibbies? Short for quick bites. Kevin! Sorry, I've been reading your Tumblr a lot. I think you put out good stuff on it. I think more people should read it. Kevin McAllister is more like it.

You're... Because you want criminals to come to harass me? Yeah, I do want criminals to come and try to terrorize me. I mean, I am home alone for the quarantine, so there's that. But you got that train set and you got that Michael Jordan standee, so you're sitting pretty. But I'm an adult man, so the Michael Jordan standee is in rough shape at this point.

Imagine having a Michael Jordan standee in a movie coming out in 2020. And it's here with the little Hitler mustache doing the Haines ads or whatever. Him with the really shitty distressed jeans. Apparently, he's addicted to Candy Crush now. Did you guys hear that? No.

Yeah. Oh, my God. ESPN is putting out this big Michael Jordan documentary. I think they moved it up because it was already in the can. Yes. And they have literally nothing else to talk about right now. But I think he's addicted to like little video games on his phone. Wow.

I can see that. I mean, you know, if you're naturally competitive, I could see that being a thing that you would gravitate towards and want to be the best at. I mean, I a lot of you say it's in the it's in the it's in the can, you said. Yeah, maybe I'll watch it in the can. The quarantine life, baby.

Oh, boy, you can watch. You can pull the team up before there, man. Yeah, but now I'm specific, is it? Now it's when I was quarantined. It's you can pull your big screen into the bathroom and just sit in there all day if you want to. Yeah, there's no rules. That's chaos.

You know, speaking of that, Mitch, your your current roommate, Shaq, I remember on Cribs, he had a TV in his bathroom. And that was the first time I was like, I didn't know you could do that. Which so when I leave the house, when I don't want to get robbed, I just tell Shaq, I turn on the lights. I tell Shaq to stand in front of the curtains so that people know that someone's home. A very large man is home.

I wonder what I would look like next to Shaq. You think I'd be a tiny little guy? I think you would because he's seven foot one and you are what, six, four, six, three? Six, three and a half? Six, six, three, yeah. Yeah, six, three. So yeah, it'd be like the picture.

You know, it'd be like seeing Tracy McGrady next to Yao Ming. You know, it's like there's such a huge, even though one guy is like six, how tall is McGrady, six, five, six, six, even though he's that tall compared to a seven foot five center, he looks tiny. Even Charles Barkley looks small next to Yao Ming. You'd look tiny next to Shaq. I mean, they shouldn't do this because I feel like it's too much time and money to do, but they should make an amusement park for big people

where they feel small. Oh, like there's like museum exhibits where it's like a huge chair and you like sit under it like you're looking? Yeah, yeah, it would be great. But you're not talking about that because that would make anyone feel small. You're talking about just making a large person say over six foot, a large person feel like a normal sized person. So everything's just a little bit bigger.

Yeah. Well, it also has to do with training amusement park workers to not have fear in their eyes when they see someone like Mitch in line for a roller coaster. He's like one, please, that their eyes don't just bug out immediately. They don't start putting padlocks over the cotton candy stand. Hold on a second. Yeah.

Do you know me for God over a decade? Uh-huh. Wow. Have you ever seen me eat cotton candy once? You know what? No, I haven't. I don't eat cotton candy. I probably haven't had cotton candy in a decade. All right, sorry, I was trying to conjure a carnival food specific,

a theme park food specific. I'm sorry for picking something you don't like. Turns out your size is to my friend. Now, Nick, have you seen Mitch eat a funnel cake, though? I don't, Mitch, because we've discussed, I brought up on the show. Yeah, like, why has ever been to a carnival with me or alone, even? I've been to carnivals. Hey, Fun House guy, your mirrors are all warped.

I just want like a regular, not warped mirror. I was saying that I wasn't making a size-ist remark. I was saying you're a man of a large appetite, as am I. But I was going to say this, as far as theme park food goes, I love funnel cake, and I think that is a food that could break out outside of the theme park carnival niche, and you could make like a Cinnabon of funnel cake. This is the thing I pitched on the show before.

Mitch, I think you're a little skeptical of that. You don't think that would work in like a mall setting. You're eating ham, as I'm talking. I'm eating beans, actually, but no, I don't think it could work. Why is that? Why are you so skeptical? I think it just, it has a place, and the place is at a carnival. But that's only because of the cultural association you have with it, if it was somewhere else.

Like, you would only think of cinnamon buns as like being something you make at home until Cinnabon came along. That's true. Good point, Kevin. Fried dough is just a funny thing because I don't think it's a thing that like... Like the pretzels, like Wetzel's pretzels, and Anna's... What's their name? Is it... Anna's Bendans. Annie Anne.

Auntie Anne's. Auntie Anne's. I had an Aunt Anne, so it's hard for me to figure it out. That's a... You know, I think people feel okay with getting a pretzel. I think fried dough is just a different thing. It's like, hey, we're at the carnival, we're going to get a piece of fried dough. I don't think that fried dough on its own could work. Too heavy, maybe.

Is that your concern? In these health-conscious times, I don't know, maybe it could. In these uncertain health-conscious times. I feel like maybe if you did like a different portion of it, if it wasn't like the circumference of like a plate, if it was something more like a smaller disk of funnel cakes, you could like... That's a good... Yeah, if it was like those Cinnabon minis, it was something that was less of like a commitment, less dinner plate-sized.

I was going to... This is making me think of this, because once we emerge from lockdown, which I'm hoping will have... You know, we hope it happens sooner than later, but obviously however long it takes is how long it takes. September 2021. You know what? That's a good goal to set, because if it happens sooner, you're pleasantly surprised. It'll be a big surprise. You'll be like, great.

Why not push it off into fall of next year? Love it. My question is, wait, this is... Maybe this dude depressing. When do you think he will be out? When do you think it will end? Well, okay, so I've heard... Because this will age badly, which is good for the podcast anyways. I'll say this. I have heard some colleges and schools in Southern California are prepping for fall semester to be taught online.

So... Wow, what? That is a... You know, I'm sure that is like maybe just thinking ahead of like, let's make sure in case that happens we have a contingency, but I think there's some thinking in the public sector that it could potentially be take us through the end of the year, take us through into winter. I think that will probably... I'm guessing that it will be the fall. I'm guessing that hopefully September, October will be

at least a partial lift of this lockdown. But on that topic, when that happens... Wow, I said don't to say it because it will get people depressed, but now I am just depressed. I mean, has your life changed that much since it started? People have said this to me and like the fact that I'm a hermit. I leave my house for God's sakes. I go outside. I go outside while I go to the bar on the weekend.

I probably go out... When I'm not at work, I probably go out of... Oh, I don't know. You go out with Natalie quite a bit, but I go out and meet people. I hang out. Yeah, I don't do that. I will have... But I do get out of the house and now I'm like even... Because I've been going on these quarantine walks with like a scarf or a t-shirt now wrapped around my face,

like a bandit, feel very cool. But now I'm like, is that even safe? Because the guidelines keep changing and this week they're just so like, just stay indoors, don't do anything. But then I read an article today that was like, it's actually good because sunlight and fresh air, helps fight viruses, so you should be exposed to that. Okay, really? I have no fucking idea.

So the sunlight thing is something I first heard from one of my family members who is fervently anti-vax and I thought it was nonsense. And then I'm hearing like other people like, you know, health officials say like, yeah, sunlight's good for the virus. It just feels like such a... It feels like such a little kid understanding

of how health works of like, the sun makes it go away. Yeah, maybe, I don't know. I don't, I don't know, I mean, this was a, I don't know where this official was in the field of epidemiology. It was Dr. Jenny McCarthy. I don't know, I don't know what her qualifications are. Yeah, I don't, I have no idea. I think it's probably good, just because like being,

because like exposure to sunlight is like good for like your skin and your health in general, but I don't fucking know, in moderation, obviously. I don't know how reputable this source is, but I saw a picture online the other day that Ant-Man had shrunk down and tried to fight the virus, so. Oh man, wow. I got, you know, God bless him if he is.

Ant-Man, we're all praying for you because we need you now more than ever. Which of the Avengers do you think would be most likely to test positive for coronavirus? Hawkeye. Hawkeye! Yeah. Hawkeye, huh?

Nasty, not cool. I think Captain, I think Captain, I think Captain America would, Captain America seems like a guy who would continue to shake hands with people. Yeah, he would not. He'd pull the Boris Johnson, he'd insist on shaking everyone's hand.

Good grief. Good grief. Yeah, yeah, it's, I don't know. I guess like it's who would be in most, most contact with people. It feels like certainly guys like Tony Stark and Nick Fury are just in contact with a lot of different individuals,

a lot of different people. Yeah, but they don't seem to be like touching them a lot. I mean, if we go from the conflict in Civil War, you know, where Tony Stark is advocating for more security and, you know, joining the UN deal that William Hurt came up with or whatever, and Captain America is more for liberty, like many parts of the country where they're like,

no, we're gonna keep having church services of 300 people or more because freedom is more important than literally being alive. So I feel like it probably would be Captain America. Do you know what the Avengers should do? Like a move from the comics, like something the comics would do is like, they should have like Michael Jordan join the Avengers.

But currently... That would happen in the comic books. Yeah, they'd always do, there's like a fucking, I think there's an Avengers where they go and like they go to SNL or something. Maybe it's not the Avengers. It might be Justice League or something or it's just a handful of disconnected superheroes.

But like, they go to the classic John Belushi SNL. And then John Belushi in character as his samurai, as his very problematic samurai character that's not aged well, he ends up defeating like whoever the fucking bad guy is. With the sword? Yeah, he kills a Skrull or whatever, whatever those fucking things are called.

Yeah, Tony Hawk should be skateboarding with Tony Stark. I don't know. Tony Hawk, I like this part. Tony Hawk, a mashup. Yeah, from the lighthouse. There's all these like... Have you seen this waggle, the online thing of like Choose 3? Which is a...

It's a big thing this week, the Choose 3. We're all having fun. We're all choosing 3. We're all choosing 3s. We're all choosing 3s, we're having a lot of fun. Can I remind this of all of the original Choose 3 though? The father, the son, and the Holy Ghost, Choose 3. Right.

Hey, that way I choose all 3, that's perfect. You get them all, that's a nice thing. Just real quick, this Zoom call we have right now, these five people we have here, Kevin, Weiger, Mitch, Second Mitch, and Emma, Choose 3. Wow. Ooh. I choose First Mitch, Second Mitch, and then I'm done.

And then avoiding space. Oh, come on. The tri... He's just tapping out. It's not gonna hurt to choose one of us. All right, Emma, you get to stay. Bye, Kevin, bye, Weiger. Speaking of SNL, I was in New York City at the beginning of March.

Were you really? Wow. I came back from an East Coast trip on March the 9th. Oh my God, and everything... I was in Manhattan when the first positive case was reported. That's intense. I don't believe I got it. Or if I did, I may be symptomatic and I've gotten over it

since then. Speaking of Kevin McAllister, you were almost lost in New York. That's true, that's true. I didn't go to the President's Tower, but I did go to SNL. That was a fun time, very small in there. Have you guys been? I haven't, but I believe Mitch has. Yeah, I hosted a couple seasons ago.

Oh, wow, wait, did you really? I must have missed that. Oh yeah, that's the one where the ratings report came out and the Nielsen numbers went negative. They went below zero, if I remember correctly. People who watched it actually... They missed out on a great Mitch meets Mango sketch. That's right, I remember it because you sent me

and I can say it now because you're not breaking an NDA. This stuff is aired, but you sent me some of the scripts for sketches you were in after the table read. And so yeah, you met Mango and then you also met David S. Pumpkins, which was very cool. Yeah, just to be clear, Chris Gattan came back for a Mango appearance, according to Weigar's timeline here. It's basically that all of your sketches

were you as yourself meeting another famous SNL character. And the applause part when they recognized the old player lasted so long that they didn't need to do the rest of the sketch and they just came to commercial. It was really just a curtain call. And it was basically just me being like, oh my God, Mango, it's like an honor to meet you. That was kind of the whole thing.

He's not saying his lines. He's not reading the cue cards. Oh, I remember when I brought this out. Oh, because I saw Friends of the Show, Fran and Neil Campbell were there. Oh, yeah. It was a nice time hanging out there after the show. Yeah, they're great.

I know, yeah. What a couple of sweeties. We love Joe and the Doughboys love our Franny. Yeah, Doughboys love our Franny. Were you at the last SNL that they taped before? I think I was at the second to last one. It was the Mulaney David Byrne episode. So it's the second to last one.

Damn, crazy. Yeah, what a time. What a time. Truly. Now, before quarantine, did you guys ever do like outdoor movies that are so popular here in Los Angeles? Like the Sinespia or the Eatsy here with the food trucks? Would you guys ever partake in those?

I don't love it. And they do one that they do at the Forever Hollywood thing at one of the, the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. I don't remember what that one's called. They do that as well. Oh, that's the Sinespia one, okay. Yeah, I don't love outdoor movie because I don't like getting bit by bugs.

Get them bugs out of here. I don't want bug bites. And I, and also I'm like... Kind of the same reason not to like picnics. Yeah, I don't like pic, I'm a picnic scrooge for the same reason. I don't, I don't get, like, I like going outside, but I don't want to sit in a fixed place for a long time and the bugs get prized or that.

Never in a million years would I, yeah, never in a million years would I think that you would like an outdoor movie screening. No. No, I like an indoor movie screening. I bring it up because one of the last ones I went to was at the, it was the Eatsy here at the Autry Museum in Glendale, California. That's my favorite one to go to free parking,

much better than the Hollywood Forever one because it's much less of a scene. But when I was there, who should I see behind me with his, you know, girlfriend or wife or partner? I saw Chris Catan, I saw Mango there. Wow, Mango was there. Yeah, he was there to see Fight Club with all of us. How fun.

Yeah. That is, that's a cool, that I like that sighting. That is, I have, in the last 10 years, if I had gone to one of those screenings, it was because I was on a date and I'm sure during the date, they're like, are you having fun? I'm like, yeah. This rocks.

I feel like everyone had a moment that was like, that feels in retrospect dumb but was personal to you where it's like, oh, this is actually kind of serious. And you realize like the pandemic and coronavirus is like a real thing that's going to change our lives forever. I think for some people, it was like, oh, the NBA guy canceled or like, oh, this or that. And for a lot of friends of mine and I,

it was when they canceled outdoor movies for the summer here in LA because it was just such a pastime for the last couple of years for all of us to go and go out. And it was always like the fun summer thing to do in LA. And I don't like the Hollywood forever cemetery screenings. I think it's weird. I think that like, people are getting drunk and fucking pissing on Greta Garbo's fucking corpse.

You know what I'm saying? I don't think they were exhuming her corpse and urinating on her skeleton. You know that people are fucking pissing behind some gravestones. You know it's true. There's no doubt that people are urinating on gravestones. They just don't think they're taking the extra leap to actually dig up a corpse and open up a casket

and then piss on them. Mitch, if I may, I concur with you. I concur with you on the Hollywood forever ones. I don't think those are very fun. I think Eatsy here or Street Food Cinema, that's another one in LA, I think those are much preferable experiences because they kind of exist on the outskirts of like the center

of like Hollywood or West Hollywood where the Hollywood forever cemetery is. And it's way more chill, a lot more families, a lot more unpretentious people. And from time to time, you get to see Mango himself. Wow. Nick, now that you've heard that people might be pissing on graves, don't go dig up a grave and put yourself in the coffin.

We know you're a piss freak. I'm dead. Oops, yep, Nick Weigher. I don't know, this sounds like a Doe Boyz double to me. This could be your first one back from the quarantine. Grave digger edition. That'd be fun. And maybe I'll reveal, you go into the grave

and I reveal like in the Undertaker Boneyard match that it says Nick Weigher, 1964 to 2020. All right. Did you watch the Boneyard match? No, I haven't watched any WrestleMania yet. I don't know if I will, I feel weird. I feel weird about them even doing it. It's like strange to me.

They're still doing wrestling? They still did up through WrestleMania and I think AEW, the other promotion, was still at least pre-taping shows with no audiences, but it's still like not like a safe thing to be doing right now. Not that pro wrestling is all that safe for performers under normal circumstances, but this seems particularly grim.

I have a hard time watching them just like, you know, in an empty 24-hour fitness, basically doing a wrestling match and then selling it like it's a real thing while you know that what's happening is that it's so dangerous to the performers. I don't know, but I get that, like, I heard that some of that WrestleMania was good.

Yeah, it was, yeah. And they're heroes who are putting it on. Vince McMahon, Vince McMahon is a true patriot. Yeah, I feel like we've been given too much shine to the nurses and doctors and essential workers. We need to be talking more about Vince McMahon. When we come out of this, Vince McMahon is the true hero amongst us.

Probably, like, if Trump ever hears this, he's just nodding along, like, in complete unironic agreement, picturing himself pinning a medal on Vince McMahon at the end of his life. I'm wondering, because this, I am thinking, and I did have this in my head, and I want to ask it earlier, when we emerged from this quarantine,

and this also might apply to food, in fact, I think this would apply to food, do you think we are going to have a new, like, a brief period of just, like, total hedonism, where people are just going to have the freedom to, like, do whatever, like, all these outdoor events and stuff are going to be completely flooded, people are just going to be, like, fucking,

key parties will come back or something. I think sexually, for sure, yes. Sexually, and then people will also just be eating, like, just, like, fucking, like, Bucca de Beppo, and, like, these places that are just so indulgent. I, like, are they going to come back in a big way? I disagree with, like, maybe the food stuff, because I feel like everyone's being pretty indulgent now.

Oh, interesting. As, like, comfort food, and everyone's just, like, snacking 18 hours out of the day, because really, not because they're hungry, but because they're bored and there's, like, no other activity rather than, like, Zoom happy hours, video games, movies, and eating. That's kind of like your hobby list

is reduced down so much. So I think food-wise, like, yeah, you might, you might go out to eat more, but I don't know, and spend more money, and, obviously, you will want to after it takes such a hit, the economy, but, like, I don't know if people would just, like, heatin' out. I don't know. Maybe they will,

but I feel like we're being pretty hedonistic now, too. That's a good point. Food-wise. You know what? Let me, let me, let me know when fucking everyone done, everyone's done fucking, because then I'll come out of my quarantine, too. Hello. I'm quarantined for the fucking big fuck session everyone's gonna have.

Oh, you don't want to do that when you come out, Mitch? No, I'm not havin' up. I'm havin' no part of that. No one wants me there anyways, okay? When that fuckfest is over and when everything's been hosed down, then the Doughboys will finally emerge from quarantine. I mean, listen, there's been a lot of celebrity surprises that have come along with this pandemic, one of which is Mitch has become the new face

of the abstinence movement with the True Love Weights campaign. He's got a promise ring on every finger on his little hands. I had to get fitted for these rings, big-ass fingers. Now, Mitch, as someone who, like, goes to the movies a bunch, what do you think's gonna happen in the movie going? It looks bad. My big thoughts were, that, to me, was the,

I was like, oh, man, what's the last movie? You know, I saw Extraordinary, the movie that Claudio Dardi's in, and that's the last movie I saw in the theaters. Oh, wow. And I'm like, ooh, is that gonna be the last movie I've seen in the theaters for a long time? And I think that it is.

I think it's gonna be a long while. The movie I was in that was supposed to come out on Christmas got pushed back, which is a bummer, but on the long line of things, you know, who cares? But I feel like, so they pushed Top Gun to Christmastime, they're pushing a bunch of movies back. It feels like maybe around then the holidays maybe will be back, but I don't know,

and that is the thing that I truly miss. And it scares me, too, because, like, AMC is like talking, there was an article about AMC maybe folding the other day, and look, AMC is like a giant corporation, and they, but I'm like, the alternative is like, Netflix or fucking Amazon buys theaters, you know what I mean? And then that's a fucking night, even worse. That's a worse scenario than AMC.

Give me AMC before you give me fucking... Go ahead, sorry. Well, the other buzz attached to the AMC stuff, because they already kind of weren't doing well even before coronavirus, but like... Now it's like, yeah, that's like, yeah, Netflix or Amazon could buy them, but also like a studio could buy them, like, you know,

Disney or Universal, and then at that point, they might make like, they might make their releases all day and date, theatrical and video on demand. That could be a huge possibility, too. Yeah, which then gives people less incentive to go out at all. Yeah, they're gonna destroy movies. And just in this era where, you know, there is no antitrust enforcement at all,

except unless there's a personal vendetta from the administration, then it's just like... Because, you know, you're supposed to... Studios are not supposed to have theater chains. Like, that's supposed to be like a point where that's anti-competitive for them to have both sides of it. And so then if you've got like, Disney owns their own chain, and then they can control which Disney films are distributed where,

like, that becomes like a huge conflict of interest in something that's not great for the consumer and not great for the people who are actually, you know, in these movies and also working at these venues. It's really a... Yeah, it's really grim. I don't know, I like... That's fucking... You just put a terrible thought into my head of like,

man, it's Friday night and... What are we gonna go see, fucking, Mr. Boogity or Bednobs and Broomsticks or some fucking bullshit? To be fair, Mr. Boogity is super underrated. I like Mr. Boogity. I mean, but I do, too, but then, you know, you know what's gonna happen. It's gonna be Disney fucking...

We all like Mr. Boogity. We all like Mr. Boogity. We stan a Boogity legend on the Doughboyz podcast. Michael, what are we gonna say? I interrupted you. Well, it's even fun to think about, like, Oscar season, too. Yes. Because even, like, I think October, November, December release dates are kind of generous,

because even if we are back to normal by then or some semblance of normal, people are still gonna be, like, freaked out and retraining themselves out of the muscle memory of, like, I can't go out, I can't go out again. And so, like, will people even see it? And it's so fun to think about Oscars where it's, like, best supporting actor, Jim Carrey and Sonic

or whatever the case may be. If it's just, like, the movies that came out in the first three months are the only movies eligible for nomination. Vin Diesel and Bloodshot swept one, like, six categories. And the winner of Best Picture is Birds of Prey. Yeah, wow. Very gracious. I'm curious on that, to your point, Kevin,

because, yeah, people will be retraining themselves. And I think of, like, the casual things at movie theaters, like, one tub of popcorn for the family or, you know, like, sharing a soda with your sweetie. Like, I feel like people are gonna have trouble, even, like, reorienting themselves to those practices, you know? Wait a minute. You're saying that, like, someone's gonna be like,

I don't want to share my soda with my sweetie. What if she has COVID? Is that what you're saying? I'm not saying that that'll be a conscious thing. I'm saying that we'll unconsciously be trained to be like, oh, we're not supposed to, you know, like, oh, we gotta be careful. I gotta use a gloved hand to, you know, like, put my arm around my girlfriend. You know, I think, like...

To be fair, doesn't Natalie always use a gloved hand? Yeah, she's kind of... She's adapted very easily. She's been wearing... She's been wearing decades ago from what I understand. She's been wearing medical-grade latex up to her forearms for every interaction with me. Wow. Yeah. They're safe than sorry, I guess.

Yeah, I think so. I think there's gonna be a lot of that. And I do wonder, you know, like, five years from now, 10 years from now, no. But for everyone living through it right now, it'll be interesting to see, yeah, the things that we will be unable to unlearn. Even, like, people that, like, live through 9-11 stuff.

And this affects us way more than I think 9-11 ever did. Right. So fuck 9-11. Coronavirus ate your lunch 9-11. That's true. Boo-hoo, Stephen is easy. Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy. We're trying to get him on the pod.

For the Buffalo Wild Wings episode? Yeah, I think... Ideally, we'd like to have him on for a revisit to B-Dubs. Yeah, it's... When you think of it in those terms of, like, oh, 9-11 is a quarter of COVID. Like, it's like, that's like, you know, because everyone, everyone puts into perspective, like, this is like three 9-11s. But, like, what if you reverse the math?

It's just 9-11 is a third COVID. It sounds, it seems like, well, it's weird that we completely redid our whole, like, completely reworked our whole foreign policy and, like, this, you know, American culture of military worship kind of came about post 9-11. Like, all this stuff happened, but for an event that is comparably tragic, though it may be, not on the same level of our current crisis.

It's fucking weird. What a fucking weird world we live in. It feels like everything is a dry run for whatever the next thing. I'm sorry, go ahead, Mitch. Oh, no, I was just gonna say that, like, a lot of the battles in the future are just gonna be in the microverse with Ant-Man and so on. Yeah, it's got, again, God bless him.

We need him now more than ever. Ant-Man and the Wasp and, you know, whatever the other. The Wasp who hates social distancing. Wasp hates it, but they're both, you know, they're both at the microbial level trying to fight off all those diseases that are trying to take us out right now. You saw those posts, right? No, no, is that true?

Evangeline Lilly, like, three weeks ago, was like, I'm taking my kids to the gym, I'm going to parties, I don't care about social distancing, I love liberty. Man, I completely missed that. You should put it in one of the comments, interesting that this happened in an election year. Oh, boy. So just think.

That is the only one I heard. Yeah, the only insane celeb take I heard was the Vanessa Hudgens one, where she was basically like, we're all going to die anyway. Like, people are going to die? It's inevitable. Yeah, that one was banana. That was, it is, it is interesting too.

Did you guys read that New York Times piece about celebrity culture being like completely falling apart now because of coronavirus? Well, because, yeah, you just see how insane everyone is. Like, oh, all these, these people are just completely off their rockers, just a bunch of fucking narcissistic maniacs. Yeah, Weigar, Weigar said this and I, I think I said this maybe on a full episode or a double, but when Josh Gad

released his crying video, Weigar called for a celebrity genocide. We got to, we got to call the celebs. They're causing problems. Hey, get, get rid of Gad. That's fucking good news for me. Josh Gad said it's okay to fry a cry and Weigar says it's okay for celebrities to fry.

We'll take a break. We'll be back with more Doe Boys. Welcome back to Doe Boys. Wait, we have another guest on. What's that? We have another guest on. Oh, we do. We do.

We got interrupted by the presence of one of Mitch's charming cats. Who is it appearing on? I'm going to say that's Irma. That's Wally. You idiot. It's Wally. How do you get this wrong?

Wally has more weight on his nose. He has white down his nose. They're two black and white cats. They look the same to me. They're both very cute. That is foolish. I hear Irma though. No, that was Wally.

That was Wally. Wally never talks. Yeah, he's a little bit more quiet. He doesn't want to be in my arms right now. We do have a new guest. We do have a new guest that cats could possibly contract coronavirus. Oh, it's terrifying.

Wally and I are, I'm going to stay safe for this guy. He looks funny right now. Does he not, Wags? I mean, I know that no one can see this. He looks very funny. He looks a little squished. He's adorable. Yeah, he looks a little squished.

He's a cute little guy. Our human guest, Kevin T. Porter, and our chain this week, Honey Baked Ham. Now, Honey Baked Ham was founded in Detroit in 1957. He just did a kind of a semi-dab, just to let everyone know at home. It was a very cool dab. Thank you for that bit of color, bitch.

Founded in Detroit in 1957, over 400 locations as it currently stands, and surges around the Easter holiday when a lot of people have ham. Huh, interesting. What? What are you doing? Around Easter.

What are you doing? Around Easter. What are you doing? Oh, is this about Bunny Day in Animal Crossing, Mitch? You want me to call it Bunny Day? Yes, call it Bunny Day, please. We say Easter on Doe Boys. Whoa.

We say Easter and Christmas on Doe Boys. We'll say Bunny Day. That's like one of those conspiracy theories you see on Twitter where it's like, hmm, ham sales go up right next to Easter. Just saying, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. It's like, what are you saying? I don't understand.

A lot of pumpkins being sold around Halloween. Hmm, makes you think. But I'm just sipping tea. It's the frog sipping tea. I could be wrong. I could be wrong. Kevin, as someone with a lot of a church in your life, as someone who is curious about your thoughts

on Easter as a food holiday, and your thoughts specifically on ham, the centerpiece of a lot of Easter dinners. Sure, so I don't associate Easter specifically with much food other than like chocolate Easter bunnies. I don't think, like growing up, we never had like Easter feast after Sunday service or whatever after like Easter service.

Although I know that like cultural a lot of people do, but that aside, I do love ham. I don't have ham a lot. I don't like go out and get ham sandwiches or buy ham from the grocery store a lot. So whenever I have it, it's a nice treat and I really enjoy it. But it's not something that I associate

with the holiday terribly much. Interesting. For me, it was, and Mitch, we'll get your thoughts in one second. For me, it was always an extended family day, particularly on my mom's side. My mom's side was, I mean, both, they're religious people on both sides of my family.

On many sides. On many sides, they're religious people on many sides. But my mom's side is all like everyone's Episcopalian and they're all like the same denomination. My dad's side is a little bit more fragmented, some agnostics, some, you know, more evangelical types. But so on my mom's side, it was always an extended family gathering with at my late grandma and grandpa's house.

And then it was always a, you know, like we'd go to church and then go there by grandpa would read a little something from the Bible before like read a little blessing. And then we'd have a big ham dinner and that was a big thing. And as I was having this, I was like, I was wondering, I was wondering how many times that ham dinner was in fact a honey baked ham because although I've gotten honey baked ham on my own, I don't, I never knew exactly what we were

having at those childhood gatherings. If it was something store bought, if it was something prepared, I think sometimes they did make it because I remember seeing a thing with a bunch of cloves stuffed in it that felt homemade. But other times it was definitely store bought. But I remember loving it. I was always, I always like preferred that to some of the other food holidays because I just like ham so much.

And I also like the casual late lunch feel to it. Mitch, what is your Easter holiday like food from a food standpoint beyond the candy? Well, yeah, of course it would be my sister and I would hunt eggs that were just filled, you know, like that we would have an Easter egg hunt in the morning. And then those were filled with little candies. To me, Easter, I always associated with like the most

like churchy holiday was like you had to dress up and usually in like some shitty Easter type like uncomfortable clothing and then do the Easter icon and then you go to church. And then yeah, I would be, I even remember two way too generous of my mom, but like she put like a Super Nintendo game in my basket one year and it was like, and I ruled and I was like, this is, you know, over the top and it was clearly like, you know that Easter sucks, you know that this is like,

you got me excited for this shitty holiday. This is the worst. It's the worst as far as holidays go, it's not that fun. It's not a fun one for a kid, you know what I mean? And I kind of, yeah, and church is a little morose. It's a little service is a little, I mean, like I feel like a little bit more grim. Am I wrong?

That's not my experience of it. That might be Mitch's though. Hmm. I feel like for Christmas, we used to do Christmas Day. We'd open our presents and then go to church and then go to like my grandparents' house on Christmas Day, my dad's, my dad's parents, and then we started doing Christmas Eve. And that, that didn't seem too bad.

Church on Easter always just seemed fucking long. And it's like, I just have that association with it when I was like, this fucking sucks. I hate going to church. And then we'd have ham and like, that would be like the reward was like this ham dinner. I'm a little bit of a ham skeptic as, as Weigur knows. Yeah, I'm aware of this, but I gotta say, look, we'll talk

about it when we talk about it. Hmm. I maybe enjoyed a lot of what I had today. I, I, I, we'll, we'll, we'll get there. We'll get there, but I want to touch on one thing you brought up, Mitch, because I thought this was, I didn't know how many families did this, but my mom, similarly, not nothing on the level of a Super Nintendo game, but we would get like one.

All right, I'm spoiled. I get it. I'm not saying you're spoiled. I'm not saying that. Check your privilege, though, boys. Check your privilege. I'm saying in the Easter basket, we would get like one small toy that I always look forward to a bunch of candy and then

like just like one GI Joe figure or like one Ninja Turtle, like just one little thing that was always like, oh, that's nice. I like that I have something tangible beyond all this candy that's going to give me a tummy ache. Kevin, what were your Easter baskets like? Easter baskets were just like we back when we were kids, we had a backyard and they would like, you know, hide eggs all over the backyard in Texas, which was like fun for like half of

the hunt. And then it was just like boring because we just couldn't find stuff. Right. So we would just like give up and then, you know, they'd like get them and tell us where they were and stuff. But I mean, that was it. It was just like the egg stuff.

My mom didn't really love cooking that much. She liked doing breakfast, but as far as like the big feast that just wasn't part of our family culture. So really the biggest food memories I have having to do with Easter is like going out for a nice Easter dinner as an adult after like an Easter service or something. Oh, okay. And where are your, like, where do you go?

Like, where do you choose to go after as an adult? A couple of years ago, we went and got Thai food. Oh, that's fun. A couple of years before that, we went to a Mexican place. We all really liked a lot. Yeah. We didn't try to thematically tie it too, too much to the holiday, although I mean, for the day of, I think for a lot of

churches, it's like the big blowout party day of the year, because it's the whole thing. It looks like it's the, it's the most important day. It's actually people love saying it's actually better and more important than Christmas and culture gets that wrong. Oh, I heard that all the time. Way better. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's like, not really, but okay. But yeah. So just different restaurants around LA. Christmas is the birthday. It's Jesus' birthday. That's more fun. What are they talking about?

I think it feels like it's, it's like, like that to me feels like the hardcore church fans version of like trying to, of like someone saying that like, you know, reservoir dogs actually better than Pulp Fiction. It's the Christian version of the prequels actually slap at the Star Wars. I gotta say, I just want to make it clear that when I got that Super Nintendo game, it was in the, it was in the light cycle

of Easter. Like Easter, we didn't like do Easter. I feel like the year or two after that, it was just over. You know what I mean? Like, because I usually got like an, like a Ninja Turtle, like a figure or something. And like, I would get something like that. But, uh, but for, for that last, you know, like one of the

last things my mom was trying to, I think still get me on board with Easter and also it was always, um, bunny themed game. It was always a bunny themed game. Roger Rabbit, Rabbit, Rampage, something like that. Along the way, Jack Rabbit, Super Mario, Rabbids, Rabbids. Yeah. Um, but, but I, I, I just never, it just is a fucking whack holiday.

It's, it's bad. I don't know. I mean, of course, well, I can't say it's all fake. He was dead. Jesus never rose. He never resurrected. Mitch. Oh my God.

I can't, I can't say that it's kind of a whack holiday. I think when I think of a whack holiday, I think of like flag day. I was like, what is this? Come on, give me a break. You, did you know that you picked the, the holiday that Quincy, Massachusetts prides himself on on being like the biggest, we have like the biggest flag day. How are you sure to God?

Of course. That's so cool. I love that. Big flag day parade with a big float of Mark Wahlberg beating the crap out of an immigrant shopkeeper. They have an indoor Chester, which is right over the bridge. It's weird that when he released his schedule where he wakes up at like three a.m. that part of it, part of the schedule was like, eat a

raw egg smoothie, workout, beat the crap out of a homeless guy, 445. Why would you put that in the itinerary? Yeah. Conference call, conference call the plan, Quincy's flag day parade. Do you think that Wahlberg thinks he also could have stopped COVID-19 if he was in the right place at the right time? Different situation. If I, if I was in that lab, I'm just saying it goes down differently.

My Quincy friends, my Quincy friends always make, I mean, that's the thing I told you, Nick, is that they all are like, fuck Wahlberg. They don't like Wahlberg. No, I know a lot of guys from Boston don't actually like Wahlberg. I would, but also I told you, but no, go on. I told you that when I drove by him on the Fox lot with my red size jacket, he was like, Hey, nice jacket. He liked my jacket.

Is it possibly thought you were a turtle? What were you going to say, you piece of shit? Oh, no, that was just saying we were having fun. I know you don't actually like, I know that's not actually what Quincy's like, we were just having fun here. Speaking of Easter, Wahlberg is hardcore Christian now. He is super duper Christian. It's, there's a, there's a lot of, that's a, that's a sector of

celebdom where there are some people who just like are very fervently religious. They always, you know, people always think of liberal Hollywood and not, not that that necessarily dictates someone's politics, but I think there are a lot of conservative Christians who are big celebrities. Mitch's kind of start. Chris Pratt, big Christian. Me too now. I'm, I'm into it now.

Oh, he converted you. That's awesome. Wow. Did he put you on set? I was, I was going to say that. Is it, do you think that there's going to be a Wahlberg Jesus? Do you think he'll, do you think he'll play Jesus ever? Oh boy, you'll like pull a Jim Caviesel.

I could see, I could see it happening. I could see him being Jesus. But in this, he just beats the shit out of all the Roman soldiers and would have gone down differently if they were trying to crucify me version of the Bible, alternate history. I'm just saying they tried to crucify me. Might have been different. He says he regrets boogie nights so much.

He regrets ever making that movie. He's really one of the best movies, his best performance. No. Oh gosh. So honey baked ham. I picked up from the, the Culver city location. So right now, part of the reason, yes. I mean, I was just going to say that you watch that movie like constantly.

Don't you at least like the last, like 30 seconds, 30 seconds. Yeah. Yeah. I get it saved on my phone. That's fucking hot. That hog is out of this world. It's really, he's got a, he's, he's got quite a pipe there. It's, you know, it's prosthetic, you know, calm down.

It's prosthetic, but when you finally reveal it, you're like, Oh yeah, that thing is, that thing looks good. That was a real, real moment for Wiger is finding out it was a prosthetic. He's like, really? No, maybe the crew lied about it. No, put a hole through my drywall. Oh man. So I had the, I went to Honeybaked Ham, the Culver city location.

They, this is the thing. They, they've been advertising this a lot on, on, because, you know, we just said, we have regular ass TV here where, where old enough where that's like, ah, we still fucking have TV or whatever. So we, we just have that. And so they've been airing these commercials constantly. Basically, I think Honeybaked Ham reminding people that we still can give you an approximation of Easter if you want it and we have hams and we

have curbside pickup, we have delivery, please come. And so I, I, I ordered online for this place. The menus are different based on whether you order in-store pickup or curbside delivery. The website's a little confusing, but the workers were very helpful. And when I called them up, they reassured me my order was ready. When I got there, I had curbside pickup, but they were still like, ah, you can come to the store and everyone was gloved up and masked up and, you

know, very good socially distanced handing of the ham over to me. What I got was the small gathering meal, which feeds four to six, it says. I think that's a little charitable. I think a family of four to six, you say. Yeah. Yeah, those aren't dough boys numbers. Yeah. It's, it's a six is, I don't think you could feed six with maybe if, maybe

if, uh, like you've got like a mom and dad and four small children, maybe that could be your six, but six adults, there's no way this, this ham is going that far, but you get a honey baked mini ham, which is still pretty substantial, a large baked beans, a large cheesy potatoes. And then they give you a bag of dry soup mix, which you can use for later with that ham hoc when you're done getting all that meat off the bone. Uh, what did you guys get? Uh, Mitch, we'll start with you.

I didn't get that bag. You didn't get the soup mix. What did you get? I, I did. I got this one. Oh shit. While he's caught up in some hires. Um, oh boy, I got, I got the small gathering meal as well.

I try, you told me what you got. And I, and you said that you and Kevin got the same thing. So I did, I tried to do the same thing. I got the small gathering meal, which came with a small ham and some turkey. And, uh, I got the cheesy potatoes and I got the beans, but in addition, I also got a bag of Hawaiian rolls, which were on display there and they're tantalizing mustard, which is Josie's tantalizing mustard. She told me that it was the most popular mustard because I'm, you know what?

That's the topping with ham. It's mustard. You put mustard on the ham. Hey, I, I like, you know, when it comes to mustard, I, uh, I like just like a yellow mustard with ham, even though I like a deli mustard. And I like, you know, something like a, there's a beaver brand sweet, hot mustard. I really like, I like that. That was in the gildens, whatever that brand is.

I don't know how you say it, but that, that, that deli mustard is very good. But I like this yellow mustard with ham. I just want to say right off the bat, I'm not a mustard shamer. I hate mustard shame. Don't shame me for my mustard. Sometimes I like yellow and sometimes I'm going to switch it up with spicy mustard. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mitch, buddy, who, who's shaming you for your mustard? Everybody, everybody's shaming me for my mustard.

I like, I like, sometimes I like yellow mustard on my hot dog. You know what I mean, Nick? I like it too. Yellow mustard is great. They use fucking trolls in our at replies. Oh, wait, do you know world tour in your at replies? Troll, they're all in there. They're all singing that Justin Bieber song.

Get out of there. Let us have our yellow mustard in peace. We like yellow. We like yellow. Yellow's fine. Yellow is, yellow is fine. Kevin, do you like mustard with ham and, and what, what, what, uh, what order did you end up getting?

I got basically the same order you did, Nick. I, and I did get the bag of dry soup fixants. Oh, I didn't get that. What the fucked up? Sorry. I don't know. I don't know how you missed out on that. You can have mine after this COVID-19 nonsense is over.

I'll keep it for you. I dropped it off, but, um, I, I had a weird situation. I probably screwed this up, but I ended up calling three different locations and ended up picking up my order from West Covina. Oh, wow. Uh, which is like not too, too far from where I live in Pasadena, but not too, too close either. Uh, but I, I picked up my order and I don't know if you guys had this

experience, but when I got back, my hand was in good shape. It was like nice and juicy and, and right of rock and roll. My sides were frozen, frozen, not just cold, but frozen. My, my, uh, cheesy potatoes and my beans were frosty, frozen. Wow. Wow. So I did have to heat them up on the, on the stove top a little bit. And even when I did that, it was kind of watery after that because of the freezing.

So the meal does come in and this is a, this is a bit of clarity for, for everyone out there who might be entertaining this notion. Although I think this episode will actually release after Easter. So at this point, maybe you, you're over ham or want to get a ham on a discount. I don't know, but the, it's, it all comes cold and there aren't specific reheating directions that are bundled with it. So the ham, it advises you to just have room temp. You're supposed to just take it out of the fridge and then have it sit there

for 30 minutes, uh, on the countertop and then have it room temp. The, the sides you do have to heat up. They're pretty simple to heat up, uh, and you can do it in a microwave, but I nuked mine. I knew to the beans and the, I knew to the beans and the cheesy potatoes. Yeah. Maybe I should have nuked it. Maybe doing it on the stove top wasn't the way to go.

I don't know. If it was frozen hard, I don't know. That's, that's, yeah, I think I think you might have to go stove top. Cause I think you have to do it a little slower and, and, and heat it thoroughly to, to, I don't, I don't know if you could, I will say even heating it in the microwave, it was not ideal. Uh, but again, this whole, the, this whole thing I think is for a family who doesn't cook and, or in these unique circumstances, someone who's like, well,

I want to have something that feels like the Easter dinner I would have at home. So I'm just going to get this and this will kind of approximate that. So I think like from that standpoint, you know, it, it, it ticks some boxes off. The sides were unusual based on what I associate with a ham dinner. Like I did, I like them both. I like the beans and I like the potatoes. I will say beans for me too sweet, potatoes a little too cheesy, but they were, they were both good sides, but I don't necessarily have a strong association of either

with, uh, with ham that they seem unique to this chain. I don't know, maybe that's just me. It felt like almost Thanksgiving, but not quite. It felt like Thanksgiving adjacent, uh, sides and like a meal. And today, the day that we got our stuff, because we could have gotten anything, but it looked like the only thing that was available for us to pick up today was one of these like big boy packages for like four to six people to feed them. Because they do have like low sandwich combos and salads and things like that,

but they just weren't offering them today. Yeah, they do have a normal menu. And I think because of the current situation, they're just not offering it. The, I couldn't, I couldn't even order over, order over the phone. Really? Which I, which I thought was kind of, I was like, this is kind of bad for the, the situation. And then when I got there, they were taking huge precautions.

They're the doors were open and there was tables separating. Like you couldn't even be, get close to the counter basically. So I was like, okay, they have a system that, that they do, but I couldn't, I couldn't just, I think maybe they were afraid of someone ordering and not picking it up or something like that. Um, but yeah, I had to, I had to get, drive to the restaurant and then go in or to where I wanted, which was weird. Yeah, it's a little, it was, it does seem a little clunky, you know, again,

I think they're figuring it out on the fly, but it, it, because it does seem like they're not used to, obviously who would be, COVID-19, they're not used to this, this normal thing. COVID-19, um, I get to say that I'm not going to be able to get on stage at UCB for a full year. Uh, yeah, I think a little more than yeah. Oh boy, that's grim. Uh, what did you guys think of those sides?

What, what'd you think of the beans and the potatoes? I like the beans. I like the beans a lot. Again, this is all colored by like the whole frozen and reheating in, in like 15 to 20 minutes, cause it was a little bit watery, but I actually liked the sweetness of the beans. I wasn't sure what else was in there besides the beans and the sauce, but there were other pieces of maybe meat.

Was there like, there are pieces of ham. So that's, that's, that's the thing about Honey Baked Ham is there is ham throughout. There is, there is, there are chunks of ham in the beans and there are chunks of ham in the potatoes. I didn't get, I don't have chunks of ham in the beans or potatoes for real. Wow. Strange.

I wonder if they gave me the veggie ones. I want, I want to, I want to the Glendale, um, that was the Glendale Honey Baked Ham. Um, right near my trainer, which maybe now this will be instead of my trainer, I'll just go to the Honey Baked Ham three days, three days a week. Man. Um, I, I, I too enjoy the beans. I also don't think that these are that weird for sides.

I guess I differ from you guys on that because like, I remember like kind of a cheesy or potato or like scalloped potatoes would be more a ham side with, with Easter than like mashed potatoes. Sometimes mashed potatoes, but that mashed potatoes is a hundred percent Thanksgiving or like a turkey dinner. And then like, it would be like cheesy potatoes or scalloped potatoes. I gotta say fair, fair with the scalloped potatoes points. You're right.

These, these are adjacent to scalloped potatoes. I will say this. Wags, I cheesy potatoes can never be cheesy enough to me. Make them, make them as cheesy as you want. I accept the cheese. I want the cheese. Wow. I, I like it cheesy.

I, I, I like them, I like to take it cheesy, but I will say that this, this, I mean, I think it was that there was so much cheese, too much of this particular cheese sauce because it's not exactly just, it's not like it's a weird, it's almost kind of like nacho-y to me. It was just, it was, it was just like a little too creamy of a, of a cheese sauce. Like I didn't like, I didn't quite like the consistency of it. Yeah, I like them.

I liked them, but I'll say that wasn't my Spoon Man bite of the night. And neither was the, uh, neither were the beans. The beans were good. The beans are, I love a bushes baked beans and they're like kind of similar, like maybe a little bit more, they were a little bit more sweet. Right. That was the issue for me is that they were a little too sweet. I would have liked, like, I like, I like, I love baked beans, but I

like them just a little bit more vinegary, a little less, uh, just brown sugar, which is just loaded in there in this. But I think I, I slightly prefer the beans to the potatoes. I would say what I, what I associate more is less, I guess less beans. I think of potato wise, yeah, scallop potatoes sometimes, but I more think of like a potato salad. Cause I, cause I just think of like more of a picnicky sort of setup. Do you know what, you know, you, you know what being, you know,

what might be an issue? What? I saw in the back in my kitchen, um, Mick Jagger was back there. Oh no. What was he doing? Wow. Interesting. He was in charge of the beans.

Oh, so he must have put a lot of, put a lot of brown sugar. Yeah. Yeah. That's probably, that's what that, you know what, it's weird. It's interesting how celebrities are dealing. We talked about it earlier. Celebrities are behaving very oddly with this current COVID crisis. I guess Mick Jagger is now working at the Glendale, California honeybaked

ham store and adding too much brown sugar to the, the beans. I said, how much are you going to put in there? He goes, as much as I want, man. He said, he said, it kind of sounds like George Harrison. Hey, I'm Mick Jagger. I'm in the Rolling Stones. I'll come to your emotional rescue at honeybaked ham. Good for him though.

Give him back to me. Good for him. Yeah, that's great. Can I ask you guys, can I ask you, can I pull you guys real quick? Yeah, please. Was this detour worth it? What I just took as this little detour I took us on. In this detour, asking for confirmation of it, is he making it more worth it?

Yeah, I'm with Kevin. Yes. Yes, on both accounts. Wow. Very much, very much worth it. Let's, let's talk about the main event, the ham. Woo. The main attraction here.

This is a, they give you a big old ham. This is a big boy. Even the mini ham is substantial. Shouldn't we talk about the fucking turkey first or no? I guess we should talk about the ham first. Yes, no, we didn't get turkey, but you got turkey. So you tell us your turkey thoughts. I'll say this, the turkey, the turkey was, and I like a turkey.

I enjoy turkey. This, the turkey is made very similar to the, it's very similar to the ham and that it's just coated with fucking the, whatever, the, the, that, that sugary, the brown sugar, the glaze. Yes. It's, it's fucking super coated with it. But I don't think it's as tasty as the ham, which is crazy for me, a ham skeptic, but let's, that should just take us right into the ham.

Yes. It was good. The ham is good. It's what, it's what built their chain. Ham, it's in the name. Honey Bay, Tam. Why are you a ham skeptic, Mitch? I just think of like all the big, I mean, like, I don't know, a lot of people

don't love turkey, but I think like, if you make a big turkey dinner, I think that the turkey is good and I enjoy, I enjoy turkey. I like a deep fried turkey too. I like turkey, um, especially if it's moist and done well. I, I enjoy turkey dinner. Um, ham to me, just not so much. You don't believe in him. You just believe in other things more.

I would rather have brisket. I would rather, I like ham is like, when it comes to, when it comes to sandwiches, I'm never, that's never my protein in it. And I never want to get like a turkey sandwich because that's boring. Even though I eat that for lunch constantly. Like I, I just, I ham is kind of like my last choice. I'll, I'll get it like an Italian sub has ham mixed in there and that's fine. But if it's the main, if it's, if it's, if it's the main ingredient, I just, I don't

know, I just don't, it's not a ham and cheese. No, thank you. You know what I mean? It's no fun to me. It's just, it's just boring. It's an unconventional take from the spoon man on this one. I think a lot of people really do like ham. I think that probably if anything, ham is kind of a crowd pleaser, at least on a

sandwich as the basic deli meats go. But I get, but it's, it's fine. I'm not, I don't feel, I don't feel strongly enough about ham to want to go. Isn't it boring? Isn't ham boring? No, I think people would argue, I think people would argue turkey is boring. Yeah. Ham turkey is boring and dry when I think of it, even though I like it a lot in

practice, but I think ham is way more interesting. There's way more flavor there to me. It aligns with, it's the Easter of deli meats, I think. A fucking boring. Damn. Wow. It's quite a condemnation there. Now align all the other meats with holidays that you don't like.

Oh, this is a good exercise. Oh, wow. What's turkey then? Is it, is turkey Christmas? I think turkey is flag day because that's Quincy's high holiday. Let's see, corned beef gets St. Patrick's day. Sure. I mean, come on, right?

Kind of one to one there. Yeah, sure. I mean, yeah. All right. Yeah, that's a good point. Brisket, well, brisket, you know what? Halloween gets brisket. Ooh, interesting.

What do you think of that? You don't like it, Wags? No, I think it's fine. I'm, I'm curious, I just want to keep, please keep going. You got, you got your Christmas, you've got your, uh, you got your New Year's Day. You got your Groundhog Day. I have to do all these holidays? I don't know, do a couple more.

All right. Tofu's a good one. Where does tofu go? Tofu goes to... Hanukkah? Columbus Day. Oh, not Hanukkah. Oh, no.

Columbus Day? Given a very problematic day for tofu. I don't like tofu. I don't like Columbus Day. Wow. Okay. Yeah. Fair enough.

Vegans colonizers. Ha, ha, what's, um, what's, what's, what's, what's, is Marathon Monday? What is, what is the actual, what's the, what is the holiday? I'mma help me out here. This is a Boston only holiday, I believe Marathon Monday. I forget what they call it, but it's, that's a, that is Boston only. Oh, I forgot the damn holiday. Patriots Day.

Patriots Day gets a, a cheeseburgers for Patriots Day. Wow. You think very highly of Patriots Day. I love Patriots Day. Patriots Day is fun in Boston because the entire city... Patriots Day is fun. We, we, we get the day off. I mean, it is a fun day in Boston.

The entire city causes everybody just gets hammered all day. Wow. That's every day ever now for everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Don't you sickly... Every day is Patriots Day in Boston for the world now. I guess it doesn't make sense, but Christmas gets hamburger.

That's, I mean, it makes sense. It gets the hand, it gets hamburger. Sure. I'm not going to do these anymore. I don't, I didn't like doing it once. You've done enough. Wasn't it your idea? No, I just said that ham is the east.

I said, I said Easter is the, it's, it's like a ham. It's, it's the ham. It's the ham of holiday or vice versa. Well, I think we have a very good sense of where you stand on these various holidays. Mother's, Mother's Day, Mother's Day is eggs. Like deviled eggs. That makes sense.

Eggs, because we are, we are born from eggs. We were born from mommy's eggs. And we need mom's. Like we need mommy's. I say to my mother, I say, I, every day I think about how lucky I was to get into one of your eggs, mother. That's what I say to her. So you think you were one of your dad's sperm and then you wiggled your way into

one of your mom's eggs and that's how you... That's how boys are made. That's, that's not how it happens. I'm actually with Mitch. I thought that's how it happened too. I don't know a lot about that stuff. Hey, uh, Do you think you think, you think, you think my sperm had like a really big head?

That's how it, that's how it nudged everyone out outside of the picture. It probably looked like a fucking, if my dad gave a sperm sample, it probably would have looked like a fucking tadpole. It's the only one that fought, that fought its way out of his urethra. Gracious. Uh, let's, let's talk about, let's talk about that ham a little bit. Let's talk about the poster boy of abstinence culture. The, the ham...

Fucking gross, I told you. Fucking is disgusting. The ham is very good. I think it's, it's a very good quality ham. It's very moist. I liked having it room temp. That glaze that, you know, that honey baked glaze on top of it is, I mean, I think you have to think of it like a Natalie character, is it like a salt crusted fish

that you get where you just have to get that crust out of there? You're not actually supposed to eat it. It's just supposed to imbue the meat with that flavor. I think you are supposed to eat it. You can, you can eat it, but I think there's a, there's a thought. I think it's, I think it's fucking delicious. I think you're out of your mind. It's very good.

It's like, but it's so, so sweet that I think you can chisel some of that out of there and still enjoy it on that level, but it is a, it is a, an extremely cloyingly sweet bit of glaze that I think is best consumed as like kind of, you know, a little bit with a, with a big bite of ham, but it's, but it, the ham itself, the meat, the meat is very good. Kevin, what did you think of that ham? I thought it was terrific because it was the one portion of my meal was that was at the temperature I wanted it to be immediately, so I didn't have to like

finagle in the lab to get it to like an edible temperature. So I loved, I loved the glaze. I think this might have been my first time having a honey glaze on a ham like this because it was so like foreign to me, biting into it, which sounds insane to say, but I guess I'd never had like a properly honey glaze hand like that. So it was very exciting and novel to me. And I had like a little bit more hand than I thought I would because of that. I, I, I, oh, sorry, Nick.

No, go ahead, please. I nuked my ham and turkey for about 30 seconds. Uh, I put a, 30 minutes. I put a couple slices of each on the plate and I, I nuked my beans and my potatoes, which I got pretty warm. It didn't really do much to the ham and turkey. My, the spoon man bite of the night came when I took a piece of ham, put it in a Hawaiian roll, put some of this, um, what's it called again?

Tantalizing mustard on it. Took a bite of that. That was my spoon man bite of the night. Delicious. It was great. I love this a new segment of the show. There's always a bite of the night. Yeah.

This is a thing that, that Mitch started, uh, and on our live show at Salt Lake city, he introduced Mitch's bite of the night. And then at our live show in Denver, I introduced Weigur's bite of the night. Um, and I guess I would say that Weigur's bite of the night is just that ham, that ham and isolation, just a nice bite of ham. My bite of the night, not the ham and isolation in the Hawaiian roll with the tantalizing mustard, it was great. And you know what?

It made me realize I've been a little too hard on ham. I've been too hard on ham. Wow. Wow. Oh, this has changed your heart. And you know what? I've been too hard on Easter. You know, the, maybe the thing is, is that a big hawk of ham kind of reminds me

of myself. And so I'm just a little bit harder on it. You see what, you know, we project what we see, what we most identify in ourselves and other things and other things that makes sense. And I kind of, you know what? Easter's good and the Spoon Man is rising once again, just like Jesus did on Easter. Oh boy. Where is he rising?

He's going to come out of his house. People, you know, uh, people will see me out of my house and be shocked that I'm still alive. Something along the way. Get back in there. Well, let's get to our final thoughts on Honey Bay Tam. We will each give a brief summation of our thoughts on this chain, a closing argument, if you will, and then give it a rating from zero to five forks.

We always start with our guest, Kevin Porter, that is you. So Kevin, go ahead. Well, I mean, these are, uh, in these uncertain times, you do want things you can count on. You want things that you can rely on as comfort and as comfort food. And I think as a, as a meat and a protein that ham might count as that, as a certain food for uncertain times. So despite the frosty experience I had with the sides aside, I think the star of

the show and the eponymous ham itself was so good that it did take up my rating from the forks that it was to the forks that it is now, which I think is four forks for me. Wow. Four forks. Yeah. Wow. Very good score. I'm nothing else to rate it on.

I can't talk about the environment. I can't really talk about the service other than the nice man that did take my credit card without taking my credit card. He just held out the like chip reader and like, we were docking at like two ships. So we'd actually did not contact the content, but otherwise, yeah, everyone was nice. West Covina shouts out. Right, Mitch. A good store score for four forks.

Um, well, you know, before I went here, I said to myself, is this going to be a honey baked ham or a honey baked sham? That's what I said. That's what I thought that. Yes. Yes. Yes. That is what I thought to myself.

Honey baked scam. Yes. Yes. Yes. That is what I thought to myself, Nick. You know, it's funny. I had a bunch of texts I didn't read from you and I'm seeing now that that's what you texted me that is this going to be a honey baked ham or a honey baked sham.

And then you, then you amended it to scam. Yeah. Or scam even, I said, after. Yeah. And you know, I was really, I was texting this while on the highway because it was just, it was so important for you to see. Well, you can, there's no one on the highway now. You can text all you want.

Do you know what? Opposite experience today, driving to the honey baked ham. I feel like there's still thousands of cars on the highway. I feel like there's too many traffic. There was still just people. There was too many people out. Stay home for fuck's sake. Unless you're getting ham for a podcast.

Maybe you're getting hams. Yeah. Maybe people were getting hams. And it wasn't just ambulances or something. It was people on the road. Okay. There were people. It wasn't, it wasn't emergency workers.

No. Stay at home. Keep the roads clear for essential services. Like, you know, people doing deliveries and certainly people picking up hands, people picking up hams for podcasts. And Nick, I gotta say, it's not a honey baked sham. Wow. Um, it's a honey baked.

Damn, that's good. Oh, great. What a nice, positive experience. Could do without the cussing, but still not bad. What about it? Damn, you could do all the cussing of damn. Oh, yeah, that's good too. Honey baked, bam, that's good.

It was, it was liberal. Yeah. The ham, the ham, much like Jesus on Easter, it's the main attraction. It makes sense. It's, it's the, it's the thing that people, it's, it's the star of the show here. Yes. You know, pastors always say, and now it's time for the main attraction. Ladies and gentlemen, Jesus Christ.

The star of the show. The man you came to see. It's, it's, they do, the ham, they do a great job with the ham. You know, it reminds me of Easter. It reminds me of family. It has its place in this world. And you know, especially now, when, when there's fucking Easter bunny suits sitting in fucking warehouses, collecting dust, turning fucking brown

unless they were brown to begin with or turning white from fucking dust. I don't know, turning the opposite color that they are. Yes. And you can't go see and be with family on Easter. Oh, that's depressing. It makes, it makes, it makes, it makes it, you know, a thing like honey baked ham, it makes you appreciate it more, but not enough to put it in the golden play club, 3.75 forks.

Wow. Still a very good score. Yeah. A good score. I mean, it's good. It does what it's, it is what it's supposed to be. It's such a strange place that like, I would be interested in trying it, but like as a sandwich spot, which is, is, I guess it's, is how it works outside

of, of, you know, picking up Easter dinner or whatever. But I think that if you went in there and you got like, there's like a ham and cheese on a croissant and they use some of this ham, probably pretty fantastic, pretty, pretty fantastic. If I had a guess. It's a quality ham. And I, and I think to, to run into my thoughts, to roll into my thoughts, you know, it's in the name, honey baked ham.

And so it better deliver on that. Because, you know, that, that's, that's the exercise of this podcast. The, the, the, the, the, the mission is to, to, to decide if these places accomplish what they are trying to do. Very much the case with honey baked ham. They're trying to give you good a ham. They give you a good a ham. It's a quality ham.

And I think of the specific situation of, you know, if we were still doing those family gatherings and my aunt, my, my aunt had organized it, well, hey, we're all going to do a zoom thing on Easter. And my, what I got was this, uh, honey baked ham and these sides. And this was going to be my approximation again to use that word again of what my Easter dinner experience normally was like. I'd feel content. And I was eating this and I was like, yeah, this is kind of, this is kind

of like what I would want to get in this, this sort of, uh, foe Easter celebration that, that I'm trying to, to do. And, and I think if that aside, if I was just going to get some ham to eat, just to, to chew on, just to chomp on some ham, that was my protein of choice. This is a great ham. This is a great to go ham. That's worth the money. So for that reason, I, I'm with Kevin.

I'm, I'm at four forks. This is a four fork chain. It's right up there. I think what I was trying to say is wham, bam. Thank you, ham. That is what I was trying to say in so many words. Uh, hey, that was our review of honey baked ham. It's time for a segment trapped in his apartment.

One man is driven mad by snacks. It's the spoon man snack or whack. That's right, Nick. I got the snack. It's just for me today. This is a Mitch pitched the segment. He said, I'm going to eat a snack and then you and Kevin can ask questions about it.

But he pitched this like six months ago, right? So Mitch, he stood out because he finally gets to do it. He stood up because the snack was not it and was not at the ready. So he was going to go get it right away from the mic. Okay. I got to come. I got three options. I got three options.

So I got to grab the last option. So Mitch was tech, Mitch was texting me and Susser. This is, he was like, this is my idea. We'll do spoon man snack or whack and I'll just have these snacks. I got these three snacks that I can have. And Susser was like, this is just you wanting to eat candy. And, and Mitch was like, so what? This is Mitch's way of quarantine, eating, uh, the Doe Boys cabinet.

Yeah. No, no, no, eat some, and eat some candies. Sadly, I went and got new candies. You got new candy for this. We got, we got M&M. We got M&M fudge brownie flavored M&Ms. Wow. That sounds good.

Fudge brownie flavored M&Ms. There's a purple wrapper on this. Skittle dips, which look like a, like a, some, some jizzy skittles. I've seen those before. They are like yogurt dipped skittles. DJ jizzy skittles. And then we got Snickers, salt, salty and sweet. Wow.

That sounds decadent. Can I pick nits for a second? Please do. Yes. I, I think of those, not so much as snacks, but I think of those as little treats. When I think of a snack, I think of something like a little more savory or like chips or nuts or something like that, even though technically, yes, it is a snack, but I think of it as a little treat more.

So we think, we kind of use snack or whack as a catch-all of, of both savory and sweets. But that's a good, that's a good no. This is a good five years running here with this snack or whack. We really could have used this feedback. What do you do as a sub genre? Your one. What about a sub genre like treats or throw it on the streets? Something like that.

Treats or skeets. Streets. I like streets. Tree or yeet, treat or yeet. Treat or yeet? Those both seem positive to me. I think now more than any time in Doe Boys history is the time to optimize everything you're doing with the podcast.

We should be making some tweaks. Treat or skeet. Yeah, that was one of my pitches. Treat or skeet. Why not? Isn't skeet awfully ribald? Isn't that a pretty dirty thing? Offly ribald.

It depends on the context. Okay, okay, it can be. All right, well, we'll go with. No, here's what it is. It's like, treat isn't like, I'm going to eat it. It's a nice treat or I don't like this. I'm going to throw it up in the air and shoot it like skeet. Like skeet shooting.

Okay, that kind of skeet that I'm going to go jerk off. All right, this is treat or skeet. Which treat or skeet would you want me to eat? You've got the Snickers saltier sweet. You've got the M&M's fudge brownie and you've got the Skittles dips. I'm going to defer to our guest, Kevin Teaporter. Kevin, what would you like a Spoon Man to try? I am curious about the M&M's fudgies.

All right, let's have those M&M's, those fudge M&M's, Mitch. Yeah, it's your opportunity to eat these. So let us know what you are seeing here as you open up this bag. These come in a purple packaging. I just realized this is a peek into what Mitch's only fans would be. Yeah. It's just him slowly eating a snack that I choose. Which, hey, I will sign up for only fans if it's that.

That sounds good. The brown M&M is on the cover. She's got glasses on and she's holding a bowl of, she's holding a thing of brownies. And then I opened up M&M, which has the brownie inside of it. I'm going to take one out. These guys are pretty plump. They're pretty plump M&M's, as you can see here, Nick. Oh, yeah, that looks like a big boy.

That looks like a peanut M&M. That's damn big. I'm going to take it by here. So the brown M&M, from what I'm gathering, because the green M&M is the horny one. The brown M&M is the smart one. She's the brainy one. I think so, yeah. Okay, that makes sense.

Two M&M are gay though, right? I'm not sure. I know that the yellow one is the kind of slow-witted one and the red one is kind of the snarky one. I thought the Twitter account posted something implying that two of them are in a relationship. Oh, interesting. Maybe that's red and yellow. I think there's two of the women though. How's it going, Mitch?

What are you noticing? Oh, it's, yeah, go on, Mitch. I kind of halved this one. I kind of just bit it in half. It's a very fudgy, there's a very strong fudge taste to it. Is it soft inside? It is soft inside. It's not, I don't, there's no actual brownie, which I feel like it could have had some sort of maybe brownie element.

So it's more of a chewy, sort of nougat-y sort of quality to it? What is the texture? Yeah, but done just enough that it almost tricks you into thinking that there is, that it almost is kind of brownie-like. Interesting. It's kind of thick like, you know the caramel M&M's, which we did not like. Did not like them. It's kind of thick like that, but not as chewy, not nearly as chewy. The caramel M&M packaging is particularly upsetting because they've established that one of the M&M's has caramel inside of it.

And the packaging is two different M&M's that are holding a cracked in half caramel M&M with its insides dripping out. So they have basically grabbed and dismembered one of their colleagues so that they can reveal its innards. It's pretty grim. I think that these are, I think they're definitely like one of the heavier M&M's as far as, as far as like these flavors go. I like a peanut butter M&M, and that's also kind of heavy as well, but like just the fudgy chewiness of them is quite a bit. But the taste, can't lie about the taste, this is damn good, Wags. Wow. These are, these are, these are tasty.

This is, I gotta go treat or snack all the way. Treat or snack? I think it is treat. Yeah, we're going with one treat. These are not ones that you would skeet shoot. This is for sure, it's a snack. I think we've established this, Mitch, this segment now, when you're in isolation having a treat, this is, thanks to Kevin, this is now canonically Spoon Man's treat or skeet. So, if I don't like it, I go, I go jack it.

No, you can, no, that's not what, that's not that kind of skeet. You throw it in the air. Please don't do that on the zoom call, buddy. I would never, not on the zoom call for God's sakes. Yes, very, very similar to the, they're, they're like, but they're not, they're not as chewy, not nearly as chewy, but they still give you like a full taste. You really taste like a fudgy brownie taste. I do wish that they had just like maybe put like a little bit of, however they do it, whatever signs, however they make, however, you know, the crispy M&M stuff, like little rice crispies in there. I wish there was like a little thing of, of brownie in there, but these are, these are, these are good.

They're very, I feel like you had to be in a mood to have them, but I think that these were out on a table at a party. You wouldn't be upset. They are very dessert like. Wow. Think of that scenario, out on a table at a party, everyone putting their hands into the same, the same bowl. A fan. Think of that, think of that world. No, I'm just saying that it's such a different world than what we live in currently.

It's going to be, it's going to be wild when we can, when we have that return to normalcy. Isn't it weird how every movie and television show you watch now is a period piece because it's people in rooms together talking. You see a commercial of people like, like just in a park, like just hanging out and hugging. It's so strange. Yeah, different time. Hey, that was smooth. No, it was just treat or skeet. These, these are wild.

Yeah, if you're out on a, if you're out on a quarantine grocery run and you see those in the impulse buy section and Spoon Man says, give them a go. Why not? Just like a restaurant via your feedback. Let's open up the feedback. Today's email comes from Zach Bowman. Zach writes, I'm currently sheltering in place in Chicago. I started listening to Doe Boys about a year ago and I'm taking this opportunity to work through the back catalog of episodes I missed before that. I just listened to episode 64.

Olympics, Domino's versus Papa John's versus Pizza Hut. At one point, Mitch, Nick and guest, Mookie Blakelock, each count a bag of small fries one by one out loud and at the same time. Listening to that was my mental breaking point of sheltering in place. Anyway, my question is if all restaurants were to close down for a year, but you could label one chain restaurant as essential to keep it open during that time. What's your choice? Thanks for the hours of entertainment. He puts entertainments in quotes, which is a very damn far. It's a real fucking queue on the way out of the door, Zach.

Some may say even mean. So I read this question first as screening them, so I knew this going in and I have an answer locked and loaded. This is a personal choice for me. This is a selfish choice. Del Taco. It's not Del Taco because I'm thinking of chain restaurants in general. And I'm thinking of the experience I miss is going out to eat and I can't do that right now. And a pretty regular thing for that me and Natalie would do is go to islands.

Islands, you know, it's a it's a we reviewed it before with our buddy Nick Mundy. It's a burger chain that also has Tiki drinks. It's like it's got like this, you know, sort of beachy vibe inside this kitschy beefy beachy vibe, but also legitimately like good burgers and fries and cocktails. And I love going there and I wish that that was open. So I think if there was a scenario where it's just like, hey, you can have this restaurant. One restaurant is essential and it's OK to go out and eat there. For me, it's islands, fine burgers and drinks. But that's just me.

I'm curious about you guys. Kevin, Mitch, any thoughts on what restaurant you would keep open? What chain restaurant you would keep open as essential if you could? I mean, you would want something that has a pretty good variety of menu. Right. So that could offer a lot of different kinds of things to different people rather than like a specialty of like like in and out. I don't think would be a good essential place because it only does a couple of things extremely well, but it couldn't cater to a lot of different kinds of people. So I think you have to do like a volume play here and maybe return to the restaurant that started at all gang. Maybe do Cheesecake Factory is the only great choice chain that stays open.

They have like a million different items on the menu and they are protesting their rent right now, which I do like that. Is interesting taking a stand against evil landlords. I do like the Cheesecake Factory rent strike. The Cheesecake Factory is on the side of justice. Why not? I think that's a great answer, Kevin, and a less selfish answer than mine. Mine is very much of like thinking of like, OK, if this is a personal choice. But if you're thinking of it for in terms of, yeah, for everybody, absolutely the savory side and the and not to mention the sweet side. Gracious, never run out of cheesecakes.

Never run out of things to have there. You got that brown bread. But also if you want, you can get a skinny, licious Chinese chicken salad if you want to. Let me say this, Kevin, because that's a great point. Yeah, that's a really good point because they do have some, you know, they have some less indulgent fare. I also want to say because people always talk about the cheesecakes and the cheesecakes there are are fantastic. But they have like a there is like a lemon tort. It might be a lemon cello tort that they have there.

That is a that is a cake based dessert at Cheesecake Factory. And if you ever don't feel like cheesecake or you just want to try something different, that one is dynamite. It is it is fucking great. So it's not just cheesecake they do there on the pastry side. Mitch, one one chain you have open for a year as essential. What would you pick? I speak in the landlords blogger. I told you this the other day, but my rent hadn't come obviously because of what was going on.

My landlord was so fucking freaked out. Yeah, and your landlord rent. And your landlord is Pearl, right? Yeah, she came to my door. And you know, you see the institutions. They'll stand the test of time for decades. Don't need to be marked as essential. They'll keep existing.

It's not as funny anymore because she's like 20. Right. So the act has kind of gotten a little it's kind of a little tired. She's like, you have it. And I'm like, no, you're going to flip out. And she's like, no, just get it to me when you can fair. No, but it's change. My landlord was like, where's your rent? And I was like, I don't know because I do bill pay for my rent.

And I was like, geez, I thought people were kind of being laid back about this. Not landlords. And I was like, I was like, because this is like April 3rd or maybe April 4th. And I was like, have I have other and they were like, no, none of like the bill pay ones have come yet. And I was like, maybe there's just an issue with the mail and then it came that day. But anyways, fucking landlords. I think that my first answer is for the world.

And it's it's tough to say because it's a place that's maybe not doesn't mean not not maybe, but is but is but is but is but is handling this crisis not well. And it's McDonald's. It has breakfast, lunch, dinner. It's got the good coffee. It's got breakfast sandwiches. It's a place that people go every day. They're accessible.

They're open 24 hours. You can eat there if you're broke. There's a lot of there's a lot of things to the drive through is easy to get to and you can get in and out of there. That's my choice. But for me, if I'm going to go personal, Nick, for me to I probably change it over to Wendy's just because wow. This is what I think about Wendy's.

First of all, I love the spicy chicken sandwich, of course, but the options as far as as Kevin as what you were saying with like Cheesecake Factory, you have like salads and stuff. I think that the options of healthier things are just better at Wendy's than they are McDonald's if you want to stay sane, a baked potato you could do a chili. You could do those are like, OK, if you do a salad there, they're much, much better than McDonald's salads, I think. So I think my answer is Wendy's and now they got breakfast.

They got breakfast now. They're not open 24 hours. They're pretty accessible. There's a lot of them. I know a lot of people are torn because I know that Wendy's aren't that great in other other areas of the country as we found out. But I've heard my money. It's Wendy's in specifically in our buddy, our buddy, Charles Ingram,

who's from who's from Tennessee has remarked upon this. And we've heard this from listeners as well that in the South, for whatever reason, a lot of the Wendy's franchises are not very well run. And and so I think that in a lot in the American South, that Wendy's has a reputation of being more like how Burger King, at least in the past, was viewed in other parts of the country as like, oh, this is kind of the trashier of the big chains, which is interesting. That's always the nice one.

That wasn't the case. We loved Wendy's a lot, but Texas is kind of fake sale. So right. And it was, you know, 15 years ago or whatever. So maybe it's a different experience. I have since the quarantine found myself craving Wendy's a friend of mine did just postmates a frosty to her. Oh, man.

So yeah, what do you think is going to be the first restaurant you guys go to when this is all over? Great question. I think the first down restaurant. Yeah, I think it'll probably be like a local place. They'll probably be a local spot. We like like a local Indian or Thai restaurant or something. But I could see as far as chains go,

it might be islands, it might be a hillstone because they could have like like a nice like fancy blowout dinner, which should, you know, that that would be nice. If have you, have you not got any takeout yet, Nick? We've gotten some takeout, but we've been, you know, we haven't gotten any. We haven't been like, oh, let's we're going to go crazy and get like a fancy fine dining dinner to go. We haven't done that the whole experience yet, which I'm sure is, you know, if you're, if your financial situation permits it, I'm sure is a is a nice thing

to do if you can. Yeah. Um, on my cheat day, which is Sunday and shut up everyone. Shut up to everyone who says like, no, no, not you guys. Everyone who's going to comment like, you'll never not be fat. Shut the fuck up. Just shut up. Anyways, you think that's their comment?

They always say stuff of like, me, it has a cheat. You shouldn't, whatever. I just look, I don't like, I thought you were, I thought they were going to give them something like a little, like marginally more clever. Like every day is a cheat day. Is that I thought that you were going like that direction. No, I'm not trying to be clever. I'm telling you to shut the fuck up.

Sick of people fucking commenting on how I fucking live my life. Shut up. You too, Wiger. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. You were kind of the head of the game. As far as post postmating every item of food, you could possibly postmates. I have the fool.

Everyone else. I actually have not been postmating as much. I did shopping. Like I said, I don't have any food right now. So I will be postmating probably some lunches this week. Even though, you know what, I've been given, if I have postmated stuff during this, during the, which I have, especially on my Sundays, my cheat days, I, I try to give a good tip to the, to the drivers.

I try to do double what I usually do. Anyways, not trying to pat myself on the back. I'm just saying help out your, help out the people who are in need of that and people, a lot of people who are doing that stuff are in need of cash right now. Anyways, I got, I got one of these and I got a, I got a spicy chicken sandwich and there was no tomato on it, Nick. I told you this and it was a, it was a real bummer to me. Yeah.

Cause what are you, what are you going to do? You know what I mean? Can't go back there and say like, Hey, there's, you know, it's not the time. It's not the time to complain about no, no tomato on your sandwich. And I also forgot that I have this, I have this free frosty tag on my keys. I didn't get a frosty. You've got that on your key chain. Where's it on my key chain forever?

It's free frosties for the year. Wow. How'd you get that? Yeah, how did you get that? We got that on the road. Someone gave it to us from dough boys. Yeah, I took it. I told you I was going to take it.

Wow. And I, and I gave, I gave the other, I gave the other one to Emma or you song. I forget. No, there was, there was supposed to be two cause it came with the two t-shirts but the girl who gave us the t-shirts kept one and gave us one. Oh, and then Mitch immediately took it for himself. Okay, got it. No, Mitch, we said we were going to share it.

You got it for six months and then I got it for six months. Yeah, well, I'll definitely hand it off to the six month mark. I'm an abundance of caution. Mitch has claimed full custody. They've already taken it away from him. They were like, no more. I haven't used it once yet. Fool, I'm a fool.

You'll get to use it in time, I'm sure. And hey, if you have a question or comment about the word of chain restaurant, you can email us at dowboyspodcasts at gmail.com or leave us a voicemail at 830 Godot, that's 830-463-6844 to get the Dow Boys Double, our weekly bonus episode. Join the Golden or Platinum Play Club at patreon.com slash dowboys. And hey, if you're not able to, you know, get on the Patreon right now or if you've had to cancel the Patreon for your financial situation,

we have been putting some free Patreon episodes up every Monday. So if you go to our Twitter, our pin tweet is all the free Patreon episodes that we have released so far, you can just find them on the Patreon website but they are linked there on our pin tweet and then the replies to that tweet, that whole thread has all the ones we release each week that's continually updated so you can find that there. But also, I just want to say, read the fine print because just like the government, after all this passes,

you might be charged for those Patrons you listen to, right Nick? Yeah, it's technically a tax credit. So basically it's means tested where if you make below a certain threshold and above another certain threshold, you will get that as a tax rebate for your next year's taxes. But you might owe money. Yeah, you might owe money. You'll get a bill from Dow Boys. Kevin Porter, thank you so much for joining us.

Hey, thanks for having me guys. I love the show, love you guys. It's great to be back and I hope to see you before the eve of Trump's third term re-election. Oh my God. Oh, that's a grim, probable future. We love you too, Kevin. Thank you so much for joining us. What would you like to plug at this time? You can listen to Good Christian Fine or the Inside Voices podcast,

both on the Head Gum Network as well. Check that out and hey, that'll do it for this episode. Kevin, have a good Easter and stay safe. I will. I'm not going to church. Don't eat Hozier's advice. Don't listen to Hozier. Don't take me to church. Take me home. That other song.

Hey, that'll do it for this episode of Dow Boys. Until next time, for The Spoonman, Mike Mitchell, I'm Nick Weigher, happy eating. See ya. On the next Dow Boys Double podcast, the ride's Jason Sheridan pays a visit to discuss staycationing for a theme park addict and for our frozen foods draft. Who will win the day? Reheatable savory dishes or frozen sweet treats? Pizza or popsicles? Pot pies or otter pops? Find out next week. Get the Dow Boys Double every Tuesday only at patreon.com.

That's P-A-T-R-E-O-N.com. Sources for this week's intro are in the episode description.