Doughboys - IKEA with Dave Thomason

Episode Date: May 25, 2017

Comedian and @midnight writer Dave Thomason joins the Doughboys and breaks his vegan diet to sample the food of Swedish furniture megastore IKEA. Do Dave, Mitch, and Wiger respond favorably to its ultra budget friendly Nordic delights? Plus, the most competitive Pie in this Guy yet, and a truly harrowing email from the Feedbag.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The White Death. That was the nickname the Red Army gave to Finnish sniper Simo Heia, who, with 259 confirmed kills against the Soviets, remains the deadliest marksman in military history. During the Winter War of 1939-40, Heia, standing at just 5'3", was an expert at keeping his position concealed, reportedly holding snow in his mouth to hide his breath. As World War II spread, Finland would also fight the Continuation War of 1941-44 against the Soviets, receiving material support from Nazi Germany during the conflict. This spoke to the confounding alliances of the Nordic states during the Second World

War, as Denmark and Norway would be occupied by the Axis, while Iceland and Greenland belonged to the Allies, and Finland's neighbor remained neutral, Sweden, whose complex internal politics made it both a sanctuary for fleeing Jewish refugees and a harbor for a homegrown fascist movement. One of those Swedish fascists was a teenager named Ingvar Komprad, an active member of far-right leader Per Engdahl's new Swedish movement. Contemporaneous with the war and his fascist involvement, a 70-year-old Komprad used a financial gift from his parents to open a business first selling staple goods and expanding

after the war to offer what would build his empire, furniture. Over the decades, Komprad expanded worldwide, constructing an array of budget-friendly home-furnishing stores with theme park interiors in both size and aesthetic, and becoming one of the world's richest men in the process. While Komprad has publicly disavowed his past fascist affiliation, his right-wing politics remained obvious in his business's labyrinthine corporate structure, specifically designed to evade taxes and oddly paralleling the maze-like floor plans of his stores. And at the end of the store's winding paths of furniture, a dining area which serves Swedish

favorites as well as local fair attuned to the taste of its market at stunningly cheap prices. But does the food of this furniture megalith stand at its own merits, or does it collapse like a clumsily assembled brump bookshelf? This week on Doughboys, IKEA. Oh, welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants or production of Feral Audio.com. I'm Nick Weiger, alongside my co-host, Kirby that sucked up a grizzly bear but only obtains

its size, body hair, and appetite, the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. That's a very... You had to go a long distance there on that one. Right, I didn't land it quite. It didn't quite do it justice. Big Boy Baby Guy sent that one in. Big Boy Baby Guy. Yeah.

If you've got a roast for Mike, for Mitch at the Doughboys show, roastspoonman at gmail.com is the address you can use. Well, I want to say to Spoon Nation and in place of a drop, I'm going to play this. The actual song Spoon Man from Soundgarden. Super Unknown, the album? I think it was the title. Super Unknown. The lead track?

That is correct. Super Unknown is the album, yes. Right. And I guess maybe the lead... The lead track? I thought that was the first track when you turn on that bad boy. It's not Spoon Man is not number one. What's number one?

It's track eight. It's Let Me Drown. Oh, fuck. Why did I think it was the first track? Well, R.I.P. Chris Cornell. That was... R.I.P. to Chris Cornell. A very nice tribute, Mitch.

Thanks, Nick. A great singer. It was very nice of you to play 12 bars of instrumental and then a tiny bit of his vocals. What else was I supposed to do? No, you had to... I mean, that's appropriate. You call yourself the Spoon Man, you owe that title partially to that song. This is a game time decision, let me tell you, because I had a drop ready to go and

then I realized that we never addressed this on the show and it's a bummer for me, not for me, for everyone. Well, I mean, this is the first episode we're recording since he passed away. That's what I'm saying. I'm glad you're addressing it. And that's why I had kind of forgotten. Because it's been, now what? Has it been a week or something?

It hasn't quite been a week, but it feels like it's been a week. Boy, with everything that's going on in politics, a day feels like a year. We're giving a tribute to Chris Cornell. It's not time to get political, okay? I'm just saying, you know, we don't know what this orange buffoon is up to. Time stretches out. You know what, Trump, you always talk about making America great. Chris Cornell helped make America great.

Right. And he's gone. Rest in peace. He made the 90s great for me and for everyone. Yeah, the 90s were great. And the 90s are there. The 90s are the 90. It's sad when the 90 stars are I know, right?

Makes you keenly aware of your own mortality. I was just thinking about how much better like Soundgarden and like Chris Cornell and like all those 90s rock bands are than a lot of modern modern music. This is such a, this is like a dad position now. You're just sounding like a dad truth, though. There are some great, great bands, right? There are some great, but I think we have we have great bands that listen to the podcast.

Yeah, absolutely. There's some great. I mean, I just think like, I feel like this is the trap of nostalgia is that you look back on the films of the 80s and you're like, oh man, Raiders the Lost Ark and Empire Strikes Back. Like you remember the good movies and you forget about all the dog shit. And the same, the same was the case with music, specifically even with the grunge subgenre. There were a lot of awful grunge bands in the 90s that were just clogging up MTV.

But there were some good stuff, man. There were some good stuff. Soundgarden was a great band. Yeah. It was, you're right. Maybe it's a nostalgia thing. Right. But music, I mean, I feel like it hasn't, haven't we gotten worse with comedy?

Aren't we worse? Yeah, we're worse. We did. I mean, specifically. The two of us. Yeah. No, we've gotten, we're backsliding. We peaked.

But we peaked before this podcast started. We were funnier in the 90s. We were definitely. There's no doubt that you and I were funnier people in the 90s. You know, speaking of funny people, someone who's funny right now, a hilarious standup, a writer for at midnight, our guest, Dave Thomas is here. Hi, Dave. Hi guys.

Thanks for having me. Oh, thank you for joining us. This is awesome because I'm a big fan of the podcast. Oh, thanks for saying that. It's wonderful to be here and see you guys insult yourself. Where do you stand on the 90s grunge slash music music scene? I think it's, I agree with Nick, I think it's great, but I think, you know, we're remembering the good stuff.

We don't remember. There's a lot of bad stuff. It's like you always like people think about like, oh, SNL was so much better back then. And then you're remembering like the one sketch you liked from 90 minutes of mediocrity. You know what I mean? It's like, there's, there's always 1989 SNL though is good and I'm being serious when I say that. I go back and watch some of it and I, and that, and a lot of it, like I don't remember

and I'll watch it. I'll be like, oh, that's just like good classic sketch writing. Right. But then there's also the sketch where it's like, oh, there's Joe Piscopo in a B suit. Like what the fuck is this? Well, you specifically are using the Joe Piscopo years, which is notoriously, I don't think people look back on this fondly. Right.

Yeah. I guess it's Eddie Murphy was at that time, but right. Like there were some overlap. Yeah. I think they overlapped a little bit. I remember they're used Joe Piscopo had like an HBO special or something like that when I was a kid. And I thought it was super funny because like he played Alex Trebek in it.

And it was, and it was, he was playing like College Jeopardy with Alex Trebek and one of the categories was beer. And like it was like, he did it at a college crowd and the college like cheered when the category beer went up. I thought it was really cool. Simpler times. Yeah. You could just say beer.

You could remind people beer exists and they would cheer. I guess we were dumber back then, but maybe that's a, maybe it was good that we were all as dumb as we were. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. It might have been a good thing. We don't have to, we think too much now.

Right. Yeah. Right. Right. Now that's got an opinion. Just let the president do his job. Boy. All three of us are so great.

90s music was great and we should give the president a chance. Dave, I have to bring up Dave Thomas in almost Dave Thomas, the founder of Wendy's. That is true. His name is inside your name. Yeah. I've dealt with that my whole life. When he died, I was so happy. When he finally died, I was like, Oh my God.

He was like, Yeah, this motherfucker, people are going to forget about this guy and I'm going to be the only one. Oh, you were wrong. I remember him. I know. Everybody still remembers him. Yeah. It sucks.

I mean, it was, it's like every time whenever I do a show and it's like a, like in the middle of nowhere, I do a standup show and then a host would bring me to stage people like Dave Thomas, like the Wendy's guy and then I go, and you go up on stage being like, I'm fucking asshole. Right. You have to deal with that first thing or you have to like just sort of pretend it didn't happen. Yeah.

Yeah. That's an option. Your name is like the bun around Dave Thomas' meat of the burger. You know what I'm saying? I'm saying just because you have a few, you have sun on your name. That equals the bun. Right. It's only on one side though.

So it's like an open face. Right. It's like a chili side. Yeah. Yeah. You've got the bottom half. You've got the big, the big side of Dave Thomas' meat laying on top of you. Get out of there, Dave Thomas.

Exactly. A nice bun. A nice plain, just a nice plain bun with lettuce. That's who I am. Hit the afterlife, Dave Thomas. Yeah. Hit the afterlife. Yeah.

Get out of here. Hit the afterlife. Yeah. Let's go down to his grave and spit on it. Why were you so perplexed by hit the afterlife? I didn't know what you're saying. If you were saying like to his ghost to leave us alone, what were you? What does that mean?

Hit the afterlife? Yeah. It's like, this is like back in the past when he was alive. Oh, I got it. Hit the afterlife. Hit the afterlife. This is the moment when he died. Okay.

You're calling for his death before it happened. Yes. I'm not, I'm not that ruthless, but I, I mean, you know, I was, I'm just saying I was happy when... Right. Yeah. It simplified your life a little. It did.

Personally, Dave Thomas is a hero of mine and I'm insulted that he brought this up. Actually, Weigher and I both like Dave Thomas, and then we've heard some stuff about him. We've talked about this multiple times in the podcast that maybe there was he had some issues. Was he perhaps a bad man? Maybe. But also it's hard to say. The whole thing, the argument for it hinges on back when Ellen had her sitcom, a bunch

of advertisers pulled their commercials from her show when she came out. And Wendy's was among them, but it's difficult to determine whether that was a unilateral decision from Dave Thomas, or if that was like Wendy's marketing team just sort of like decided on their own that like, oh, this is like a thing. This is a hot button issue. We don't want you to be around. Right. There's only circumstantial evidence incriminating Dave Thomas, very different than what is around

some other food industry CEOs, including the CEO of the one that we're talking about today. So Dave, you're from the Bay Area. I am. Where specifically? Danville, California. It's like the suburbs of Oakland. Right. So, okay.

Oh, suburbs of Oakland growing up there. Is there any, California is a very big state and there's a lot of little, there's little pockets of culture. Is there anything up in the Bay Area that you can get that you can't really get down here? Anything that you're nostalgic for when you go up there to do a show or something? Boy, I mean, Ike sandwiches. I think you can get that down here now though.

Is there an Ike's down here? Yeah, near UCLA. But that was like, I mean, that was a San Francisco place for a long time and just got great sandwiches. I mean, I don't really, I think everything up there is pretty much like it is down here. Right. California is pretty, pretty in sync. I guess Ike's is the only thing that I can think of. What is Ike's specifically?

Do we talk about Ike's on the podcast before? I don't believe so. I think maybe I've just talked about it with Dave. You know, Dave's my work neighbor. That's right. We sit right next to each other and we have adjacent desks on the corner in downstairs in the office. That sucks for you, Dave.

Mitch, we have a lot of fun. We do. Oh, I mean, Nick, it's barely talk. Yes. Mitch, we have a lot of fun, which means nothing happens. I'm always worried I'm in his way. Yeah, it's a great. It's a lot of fun.

I got a question for you. When the lights go down in the city and the sun shines on the bay, is that when you want to be in the city? Yes. I thought so. That's from Journey. Yeah. Right.

Right. No, I know. I know the song. Oh, you're just mad at me for doing this. No, that was great. I'm glad you did it. It was good. It was good for the podcast.

The answer is yes, though. That is when you want to be in the city. That's the only time. I really I love San Francisco. It's one of my it's one of my favorites. I love it. And I think that it's it's very comparable to LA as far as food goes. I'm sure that there's people up in San Francisco who thinks that the food in San Francisco

is superior to LA. Sure. There are definitely some Bay Area people who just like are think that it's superior to the LA that LA is like fake and phony and the Bay Area is where the real people are. But also too, I feel like that's kind of been deleted because there's been so much gentrification as yeah, where now it's just like San Francisco is just full of tech assholes. Yeah. I don't feel like they are any less inauthentic right than LA people now.

What is strange tech assholes, you know, like, yeah, who would have thunk? Right. Well, it's just it's just young men with lots of money. Yeah. I mean, that's that's going to be a person who's going to be an asshole. People who are too rich for who they are. Yes. You know, you have a large amount of disposable income and no real obligations because you're

you know, 24 years old, that's that's a recipe for a person who's going to be unfun to be around. Yes, I agree with that. We're not fun to be around and we're old and poor. Right. Yeah. We're more just like broken men. That's that's a different that's the other end of the pendulum swing.

But I like a nice, honest, broken man with some, you know, rich, rich tech a whole, you know, we're not poor, but we're not we're not we're not tech rich, which is no saying Yeah. Like, like, like isn't rent in the city like it's like insane, right? You kids out. It's ridiculous. Yeah. It's unaffordable for a lot of families.

That's crazy. It's a lot of them have been pushed out. But there you are. Hey, San Francisco, let the families back and cut the shit. Aren't they all moving down here? Where are all the tech assholes coming on down? Well, there's Silicon Beach now, which is in Venice, California. And that's like, yeah, that has the same sort of thing where just like rents are rising

and they're building all there's all this new construction because I think Google's headquartered out there now or not not headquartered, but they have a big office out there. So yeah, that that's that's becoming its own thing. I don't I think there'll be these pockets of just, you know, they'll figure out a new place where they want to have some industry grow and then those be this pocket of this enormous amount of wealth coming into the area and pushing out the people who already lived there. Yeah.

Tale as old as time. Yeah. As long as old as right. Beauty and the Beast. Sorry. I said that. Oh, wait. So let's let's let's return to Ike sandwiches real quick.

What? Yeah. What is Ike sandwiches exactly? What makes that such a treat? I mean, it was just like you would go and they have like a binder of like an enormous number of sandwiches and they put like mozzarella sticks on a sandwich and this was like, you know, 15 years ago, right? When I remember going for the first, I think maybe 10 years ago, but it was, you know,

it was just like you could get a sandwich called like a Super Mario. There were like hundreds of sandwiches, a sandwich called Super Mario and it was like mozzarella sticks and like, like meatballs or something and was it mushrooms on it? Maybe. Yeah. That would have made sense. That's what, you know, I said this before, but one of the, the one thing that I don't have in common with Mario is his love of mushrooms.

But then we talked about, we don't know if he eats them. It seems more than he grabs them. He grabs them and merges with them. He becomes one with them. Yeah. Yeah. So it was, I mean, it was just like ridiculous sandwiches before that was kind of a thing everywhere.

Yeah. Right. And so, yeah, you would just go and it was like, oh man, it was like, you wait in line forever because it was a big thing and you get a sandwich with mozzarella sticks on as a real treat. Yeah. That sounds great. Yeah.

That sounds great. Well, we have a, we have fat sals out here. Right. Jerry Ferrara's restaurant. Jerry Ferrara Turtle. From Entourage. Wow. We said that at the same time.

Well, we didn't want people to get to think that he was turtle from the Ninja Turtles or just a regular turtle. Right. This is man flesh and bone, my friends. This isn't Yurtle, my friends. Yes. This is a, this isn't Master of the Skies. You may be picturing Franklin from a cartoon I can't remember the name of.

It's certainly not him. You may be picturing the turtle from Diddy Kong Racing. Nick, his name is. Oh, I believe it's tipped up the turtle. Tipped up the turtle. You may be picturing that. No. We're talking flesh.

Blood. Also clothed. Human man. Yes. Turtle. Turtles do have flesh and blood, but unlike human men, they do not wear clothes. Okay. Yes.

I'm sorry. I was thinking of video game character. Right. Tipped up doesn't have flesh and blood. That's true. But also, look, yes, a turtle has flesh and blood, but guess what? This turtle has skin. Human skin.

Boy, these sandwiches sound great. Turtle from Entourage. Sandwich shop. Yeah. Fat sales. Right. It's like, I'm meeting over here kind of place. Right.

It's like that. Yeah. They have the same sort of thing. They put all sorts of like fried foods onto a big old sandwich. Yeah. These brides on them. The Brooklyn Swagger over to Los Angeles, California. So that Brooklyn Attude that you love about New York, you get it at Fat Sales.

Am I right, Nick? Oh, yeah. That famous Brooklyn Tude we all know about. We should. I'm not trying to make fun of Fat Sales. No, me neither. We should get Jerry Ferrara on the show. I would love to have Jerry Ferrara on the show.

I've been to Fat Sales, and if that sales is great, I actually have a memory connected to the NBA Playhouse a few years ago when they had the, because the Spurs and the Grizzlies have had a few different matchups. Dave, you're a real NBA head. I remember which Playhouse this was exactly, but it was one of the ones where I got, we got Fat Sales, and then we watched that game, and it was a fucking great, great game. I don't remember what it was. It was like Game Six or something of one of those series.

I got it. It was just like a real, real barn burner. At Fat Sales. Yeah. No, we got it from Fat Sales. But like I got the, the pizza fries from there. That was real good. I don't remember what fucking sandwich I had, but it was something with like hamburger and

like chicken, like a fingers on it or something like that. It was good. I got a free sandwich from Fat Sales. I went in there. Jerry Ferrara was on his back. He couldn't get off of his back, and I rolled them over onto all fours. Wow. And he gave me a free sandwich.

He owed you that. That's downright heroic of you. You saved his life. You can't breathe like that. And he doesn't, he doesn't have the ability to turn himself over. That's, you know, because like in the wild, that's how they fight. Two, two men in Brooklyn, they'll get down on all fours. They'll try to tip one onto their his back.

And that's how Brooklyn, if you've ever seen the Bronx Tale, right? Yeah. Bronx Tale, that famous Brooklyn film. If you've never seen the Bronx Tale, it is, it throws you. Right. Because the movie takes place in Brooklyn. Right. It's a Bronx Tale and they're right at the start of the start of the movie.

They say, let me make it clear to you. This movie takes place in Brooklyn. Right, Nick? Is yeah. Yeah. That's the first line of it. And then, of course, the battles ensue and it's just a bunch of men on all fours. Diffing each other over.

Robert De Niro versus Chaz Pumentary. Chaz Pumentary. Maybe the guy who I, who I've worked with, who I should know his name, Joe Montaigne. Oh yeah, Joe Montaigne. Yeah, maybe, maybe he's there. Maybe he's battling on all fours. The voice of Fat Tony from The Simpsons.

Yeah, Fat Tony. Fat Tony. The occasional, the occasional fat, he makes an appearance every so often. Do you like Fat Tony, Nick? I think Fat Tony is great. He is a good character. Yeah. A lot of fun.

They had, and they had a recent, fairly recent episode. I don't know, I don't know how recent it is. It might have been eight from eight seasons ago, but they had Fit Tony. Fit Tony, yes. That was a lot of fun. Yeah. That was a lot of fun. It was.

That's a weird way to describe the, like ever watching The Simpsons. That was a lot of fun. Well, though, I mean, that's like the feeling though you have when you, when you experience something you enjoy, right? Yeah. It's like, oh, joy, fun is coursing through. Are you asking us this? I'm trying to understand human behavior.

Yeah, this is what humans do. Do you know Joe Montaigne has a place called Taste of Chicago here in Los Angeles, in Burbank, I think, actually, which is like deep dish Chicago pizza. He's a Chicago boy. We should go there and get him on. Yeah. Let's, let's, let's start going to restaurants owned by Italian American celebrities and bring them on the show.

I agree. I mean, I just Ray Romano have a restaurant and he must. Yeah, I'm sure that there's some sort of, there's rays. I'm sure rays exists out there. Yeah. Michael Imperiali probably has a place. I'm gonna get him on the show and Antonio Sabato, Jr. Oh man, that'd be quite the booking.

I'd be more into him if he wasn't an avid supporter of that orange buffoon. Is he? Yeah. Yeah. He's a big Republican. Oh no. That's sad news. Dave, you're not political though.

We're not a political podcast, right? Dave, but we are getting waiting into political waters. Dave, you're a vegan. Oh, yeah. Yes. So it's only been five months though. It's not like a huge. Were you vegetarian before that?

Did you have like a little bit of a ease in period? No, not really. You just skipped straight to hardcore vegan. I just went straight into it. That's like having anal on your prom night. That's right. Jesus Christ. Swagger, what the fuck?

It is like I'm just going right for it. He's saying it's the best in the world. It is. It's great. Yeah. I just, I, you know, I just, I just dove in. Right. Yeah.

I'm all or nothing. Yeah. So what was the, because I do, I don't think I could ever maintain a vegan diet for a number of reasons. I am impressed by people who do, and I do feel like the, the ethical case for veganism is strong. The ethical case for vegetarianism, abstaining from meat, abstaining from animals that are slaughtered.

Like I certainly can understand, I feel like that is very strong. But the case for veganism, I also admire morally, but what, what made you make that decision? What made you decide to go for that? I mean, you know, I feel like whenever, whenever I talk about it, always sounds like I'm, you know, like I'm on my high horse about it or something, but it's impossible not to. Yeah.

But I mean, it was, it's honestly, it's, it's about, it's about global warming for me. Is it really? Yeah. Because I was reading about how it's like animal agriculture contributes more to global warming than like all the cars on the planet were together or something. And yes, we, did you see that advice was, was a, this vice came out probably right closer around to when you started.

There was an episode of vice on HBO about beef. Oh, I did see that one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Beef, beef is, is, is very bad for the, all those cow farts and stuff. So I just, you know, I just was like, well, you know what? I, I want to do my part.

Right. So I'll just stop eating meat and dairy. What's been the toughest, good for you. Yeah, good for you. Yes. What's been the toughest part about making that switch? You know, it's honestly that I hate inconveniencing people. Right.

And I hate, I hate when like I go to things and people have to worry if I'm going to starve to death or like, I hate when I go to a restaurant, like I'll just, I just would rather not eat anything than ask if there's dairy in something. Yeah. It's like, I hate, I hate, like when you go to a place and there's somebody making like, you know, $10 an hour and you're like, is there milk in your bread? And they're like, I don't fucking know. It's like, I just don't want to do that.

That's honestly the hardest part. Well, you are in the right city for that. And that's funny to hear that because, because this is a city that probably caters to that lifestyle the most. It does. Yeah. And then you still have those, those hangups is like, it's like, damn, that's, I can only imagine living in any other part of the country.

It must be really, I'm sure it is as hard as it is here. I mean, you know, it's, it's, it's very easy here and it's, you know, it's also like, it's only been five months for me. So, you know, who knows how I might cave eventually, just decide that I'm not going to do it, but, you know, for now, it's fine, it's fine. It's easy in LA. I have a question. Yeah.

Nick, what happened on your prom night? I would, my, we had a, me and my dad had a lovely time and then we went to a group function afterwards. Okay. Yeah. All right. Anal on your prom night. That scared the shit.

I've, I never, that was like the, I was saying, like, it's like, it's like, you're saying you're going straight to the moon. Like that's a big, like you're not, you don't have any sort of ease in period where I'm going to be like, I'll be vegetarian for a little bit. Maybe I'll eat some fish here and there, but just to go immediately to flip the switch to hardcore vegan. It's like, like just saying, like I'm going to quit cigarettes, cold turkey. You know what I mean?

It's like when I quit cigarettes, I quit them cold turkey. Right. Um, you see, you quit them in favor of cold turkey, right? That, that was a joke. I had that joke a long time ago and then, and then Galif and Zach Galif and Akis used a joke. Oh, that's a Zach G joke. Okay.

Well, it was a Mike Mitchell Mitch, the Spoonman joke. Okay. Before Zach Galif and I, he should give me credit. Yeah. In favor of cold turkey, I quit here. No, I just, I quit them completely for seven years. And then I started, but I was never like a really, like a, a pack a day type. Like I, like I, I, I, I smoked socially, but I had smoked for like seven years

socially, which was when I was just, you know, drinking or whatever. But I would have some on the weekdays, but nothing crazy. Like it wouldn't be like more than one. Yeah. If even, if even that. So, but, and then when I would drink, I would drink like 15, I would smoke 15. And then, right? Cause you're just keeping pace with your booze consumption.

Yeah, exactly. How about you? When you, when you were, uh, when you were not vegan, what was your diet? Like, did you eat a, I mean, I, I eat everything. Yeah. I mean, I eat so much garbage all the time, but, but see, it's because I don't have taste. Like I don't like good food, great food and just like cheap fast food.

I don't get that much different pleasure from either one. So it's not that hard for me to just kick it because it's like it's, it's, it all tastes the same to me. You know what I mean? Like I have, I'm, I'm a man of no taste. So it's just, it's fine. I would eat, I would eat anything, you know, fast food, everything. You don't get like the pleasure centers in your brain are particularly

activated excessively from one food versus another. It's all sort of the same to you. Yeah. Just to, just sort of, it's all just sort of beige goop. It seems like I'm a monster. It's just, yeah, it's just, it doesn't, it doesn't matter. Like when people are like, oh, we got to go to this restaurant. That's very nice.

And then we go there and it was like, oh, it's so great. And I'm like, this is fine. It's like, I'd rather have not spent $20 on this. I rather spent $2 and get two hot dogs somewhere else, but that's your, that's your particular food quirk though, right? That's not how you feel about everything. No, no, no, no, for the most part. No, no, no, but yeah, so here's the thing where maybe the vegan world gets mad at

us if you, so you, you broke your diet today, yeah, uh, to eat meat. Right. Uh, how did, how did, how did, and we, we felt bad. I feel like right about that, but you shouldn't, because I, I mean, I love the dough boys and I would do anything for you. But it was, I mean, it was, I don't mind making an exception for this. This is a special occasion, right? The planet can die a little bit more so that I can do this podcast.

Right. Um, I was going to say, how are you feeling after eating? I mean, we'll get into the food and stuff for sure, but I was sitting in my apartment after we went and I was hot, just sweating just because my body was full of vitamins and proteins that it hasn't had in a long time. It was like a weird, like I, like literally after we finished, my fingers were tingling and I don't know if that was just because I ate way too much or if that was because my body was not prepared for what I was doing to it.

Hey, that's me after every meal. Is that, so, so what is your main source of protein on a vegan diet? Uh, you know, not that much of it. It's just like black beans and tofu and whatever sources. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I have like nutritional shakes and stuff. It's nothing, you know, it's all boring because that's one thing.

Because I've heard that the American diet is actually like has a, there's a lot of protein and a lot of fat, obviously a lot of sugar, but there's a lot of protein in it because we do eat so much meat per capita. Right. And so probably just like, like those meatballs alone, you're probably just getting like double your daily protein intake. Yeah. Yeah.

I should have like worked out or something like before I went and like taken advantage of it, but I'm not going to do that. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm back on, I've been working out, Nick noses. I'm, but I went to the trainer this morning. I went to the trainer this morning, Nick and I are a mess by the way. We're, we're falling apart. We're really falling apart. We both, I went to urgent care this morning.

You, uh, you just, I need to go to urgent care. Yeah. You just got back from a trip and you had a, you had a cluster headache. You have a rash on your arm. My, my, my, my, my throat is weird. And I, I feel like I, my voice was gone, but it's maybe back. If I have a kind of a raspy voice going on, we're, we're both dying. Right.

Uh, it's kind of like, you know, that, that there's that, that idiom, like, you know, you treat your body like a temple. I feel like you and I, we treat our bodies like landfills. And we're, we're just, we're paying the price right now. There's, there are, they, when we walked on the street, seagulls do fly around. Makes sense. Yeah. And people, a lot of the time, like, does this happen to you, Nick, where I'll

just be walking down the street and people will come up and they'll just put trash next to you. Yeah. Yeah. They'll just assume that's where that goes. Yeah. Um, I think, but I think any doctor would look at your conditions and then here, here you guys ate 60 McNuggets in an hour or something and be like, Oh, well,

that's why this is why you guys, right? I can't even tell my trainer some of that stuff. My trainer was like today was like, you know, your mom's concerned about you. She wants you to be like around and like into your forties and stuff. And I was like, I know this stuff. I know, right. I know that she fears. Did she talk to your trainer?

She did. Well, she was here for a full week. Yeah. And, uh, and yeah, they talked. Okay. They made fun of me. Just like, like she made fun of me on the podcast. Oh man.

That was a lot of fun. Yeah. You, you enjoyed it a little too much. Your mom's great. She's a great lady. Uh, after it was done, this didn't get on the air, but, uh, Nick asked my mom out on the day and she rejected it was awesome. Oh, I'm sorry, Nick.

That's all right. I got a wife. Um, so wait. So, so, okay. So let's get back to it. Let's get to our chain. Okay. Um, so Mitch was alluding to this earlier.

You broke your, your vegan, uh, packed, whatever you want to call it. Yeah. But I don't know why. I know, yeah. You're vegan. Oh, I put my hand on, on Moby's chest. So I figured that's what I always knew it was. You have to do that.

So why, why IKEA? Because we talked about some places to go and this is a place you pitched to be a couple of months ago, talking about you coming on the pod. But what, what about IKEA? IKEA made you want to tackle this particular chain restaurant? Well, I mean, I, I feel like it's in the spirit of fast food. It is like, it's a real like cheap place to eat. Right.

I, I mean, there, I have, I've had a lot of people in my life who have been very cheap people, people I've dated that have wanted to go to IKEA on dates. It's a, it's a very, it's a very common date spot for me. I feel like that's also because I'm a relationship person. So I'll go out on a date, like one date with somebody and then the next day, and I'm like, well, let's start our lives together, go buy furniture, right? But yeah, so, so it's just, it's like it's cheap food. It's pretty high quality.

And it's also, I picked it because I don't think you guys had been there. And it was like a little bit, you know, it's a chain restaurant that don't think people think about it as a chain restaurant. They definitely have food, but, but it qualifies with the number of worldwide locations and they all, they almost all serve food. Go for a bit. No, I was going to say, I like choices like this. Yeah, me too.

Like a weird, like it's a weird one. It's a weird one for sure. It's a curveball. It's a curveball, but it's, but it's so specific, like, like, you know, you can go to Target or whatever and they have food courts, but they're usually like pizza huts or whatever. You're usually eating chain food within this place. This is their food, which is weird.

It's, it's very strange that Ikea has food. Yeah. And it's, and it's so like some of it is, and I imagine this carries over to the different territories around the globe where it has stores. Some of it is local, like, you know, they have like, you know, they got your hot dogs and their pizza, your pizzas, the sort of stuff that's like caters to American taste, but then they've also got like, they're distinctly Swedish dishes, particularly the meatballs.

The meatballs are, I think people think of the cheap ass hot dogs you can get there, like you can get a cheap hot dog at Costco, but I think they also think of the meatballs as like kind of a signature, a signature item. Everything there is though, a little different, like, uh, I don't know if you want to get into food yet. Yeah, go for it. But so, for instance, we, so we, we basically had two meals here today. Um, but, uh, like the, the hot dog, for instance,

um, is like, it was like weirdly pork. Like it didn't taste like a hot dog that like from 7-Eleven or something. It was, there was like a very strong pork flavor or something to it. Like it was like, right. It's got a little snap to it too. Yeah. It's not like, it's not like super, uh, sometimes that thing, that hot dog that's been on that roller all day, like at the movie theater or like the 7-Eleven, like

it doesn't have that sort of crisp texture to it. Yeah. This has a little bit of a snap when you bite into it. And those could taste buttery. This is, this was like, you can really taste that meat when you're in and, you know, like, uh, yeah, definitely. And I was saying to Dave, if, if, like, if you haven't eaten meat in a while, like this, like me, we, we ate the hot dog plain, which I like to do sometimes.

Sometimes it's fun to have just a plain hot dog. Oh yeah. Right. Sure. Hey, you know, if you're out there like a plain hot dog, hashtag plain Jane. And if you, uh, if you like your hot dog with a little bit of a mustard or some other condiment on it, hashtag. Put on a condiment.

Perfect. Thank you, Mitch. Um, I do like a plane. I, I used to get, you know, I used to get McDonald's, McDoubles plane. That was, I had a phase when I was doing that. And those, those are actually, that's actually very satisfying because you just get that meat and cheese and, and bun golden years. Hey, those are the times.

Um, no, but I, I like that. Yeah. I like the plane hot dog and it's got a good, it doesn't taste cheap, like it, it is cheap, but it doesn't taste cheap. I'm not sure if that's exactly what you're driving at. I don't think it, I don't think it tasted cheap. Yeah. I think it truly tasted beef, like right.

Porky and like weirder than a regular hot dog. I mean, all the food, I don't even think all the food is great. Should we, should we get into our meal? Yeah. Let's get into it. Okay. We, we ate upstairs first at the restaurant, right? Yeah.

So we went to the Ikea and Burbank and this is the largest Ikea in the United States, a little bit of trivia. Uh, it's, it's big. They used to have another Ikea and Burbank and then they, they closed it down, bulldozed it and built this other one in a totally different location. And it's huge. It's pretty massive. I mean, we didn't actually walk around it, but looking from the outside, it's

like you're looking at a foot, an NFL stadium. It's like gigantic. It's huge. And I went to that last Ikea and in fact that TV stand is from Ikea. A huge pain in the ass to put together. Jack Allison and I did it and we were sweating and you could see through our shirts by the time we finished it. Did you guys go half season on that stand?

We did and then, and then I, and then I bought it out at the end. Yeah. Wait, did you, so did you give him full price when he moved out? No, I forget what it was. Why are you trying to dig now? Jack is going to be like, you owe me money for it. Jack doesn't listen to this. Yeah.

That's a good point. Jack does not listen to this. Um, but, uh, walking through when we went and got that, just walking through that Ikea, yeah, I remember being like, holy shit, this is taking like forever to get through this place. Right. Yeah. So, so I can't imagine, well, Dave, you did walk through the store.

I was looking for curtains after we finished our meal. I was there for like another hour, just trying to like walk through the place. Is it, is it, is it gig, is it gigantically huge walking through it? It's enormous. It's, it's overwhelming. It's like, yeah, yeah. It's too much stuff. It's really, it's really, cause even that last one was just, was, was too, was,

was way too much, right? Yeah. I don't. So here's, here's what I'll say about Ikea going into it. I don't love Ikea. I like that stand. Fine. I don't like to build mice furniture when I get it.

Yeah. It's a pain in the fucking ass. Hey, I love it. I feel like a real man after I have furniture, but it doesn't even give you that benefit because it, it, it, it's, it's like a puzzle. Yeah. It's just putting a puzzle together. Right.

Uh, and like, like, it, it, it gives you, it gives you half a, like, it gives you half a man, it does, and the man in their instruction manual looks like me, a little bald, like, white guy, like a Lego, almost a Lego man, or I would say a, a bathroom door, man. Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah. Um, that's yeah, I feel, I feel pride when I finish an Ikea. I love Ikea because I, I'm, I'm like so indecisive about for like, I hate

investing a lot of money into something and because I think like, I'm just going to throw it out in like a year or I know I'm not going to want it. It's going to suck. So I like Ikea is like, I'll spend $60 on this piece of furniture and then I can hit the road whenever I want. I haven't lost any money. You know what I mean? Yeah, I get that.

Yeah. I'm, it's semi disposable. Yeah. But it's, it's cheap. And that is, I mean, I've seen, and I've seen some good stuff from Ikea. Here's my issue. Look, it's 2017. I have the great couch searches on for me, Nick.

You know this. Oh yeah. Don't I'm trying to find a great couch search has been trending on Twitter. Number one worldwide all weekend. If not, it will be now after this. Right. You get people who got to help me out. We went.

I went to living spaces here in LA. We found a sectional spaces. Is that jingle? Is that nationwide or is that just a local thing? I think it might be California living spaces. Doing it. It's beautiful. That's what you're talking about.

Freepiest shit. So beautiful. I'm going to hear that in the dark tonight. Living spaces. Living spaces, another huge furniture warehouse. I got to get this sectional couch. We look all day. My mom and I were going looking at couches.

We find the perfect couch. Oh my God, this thing is a beauty. I sit on it. Oh, I'm going to sleep and possibly die on this bad boy. This is the one right here. Right. It's filled with feathers, Nick. You got a down allergy.

I got a down allergy, which I found out when I when I first got Wally and Irma. I was very, I was, I love the cats very much, too much. And I at one point thought I was allergic to these cats. Turns out I was allergic to dust, dust mites, which they were kicking up and feathers, which I had bought in a few toys when I had feathers on it. Right. And feathers are fucking very comfortable. Yeah, they're very, very comfortable.

And I was just heartbroken. So now I'm on this couch search. I'm trying to get a sectional, a big, comfy couch. And I don't know what to do because I because I'm allergic to feathers. So, yeah, so I need help. I guess is that is I've had these coaches for 10 years and they were shit when I bought them. And so now I I got to do something about it.

Yeah. I mean, they're they're a little they're certainly a little worn. I think you'd admit that it feels like you could use them. They're the kind of like college guys, right? Yeah, they suck. What do you tell you can do? I have to beat around the bush. They are bad.

It's a bad situation. Yeah. You're a man who could I mean, you do spend time on the couch. So like, you should get a nicer cat. What the fuck is going on here? What? No, I'm saying that. That's like it's anyone. You spend time on your couch, watching your your big boy.

We got my big TV. We call the big boy. I got a we as in you. Not a big boy. She does not like that. We got a sectional last year when we moved into our current apartment and probably spent a little bit more money than I would like to on a couch. But it's really nice to have like something that feels very solid.

And I get what you're saying that like the disposability of IKEA furniture is great because it's just sort of like a fuck it. If this thing, you know, this $40 coffee table breaks in a year. I don't give a shit. Yeah. But there is something about like, oh, this feels like I can this something I could have for a decade. So I want to make sure it's nice.

You know what I mean? Right. That's kind of the flip side of that. Are you trying not to talk about this because we shouldn't talk about trying to find a couch on our podcast? No, what else? Like what this is totally lateral with any bullshit we talk about in this podcast. Yes.

If you want, let's talk about you finding a hashtag. The great couch search. Yeah. If you only rex for a couch for Mitch, maybe you have one in your home. Maybe you have one you've seen the catalog hashtag, the great couch search help him out. And hey, if Mitch ends up buying your couch, he'll send you a $50 gift card. What the fuck to Taco Bell? Yes.

That's true. Yeah. No, a couch is an important thing. And I feel like IKEA, I think one of these coaches is an IKEA coach. And it's the one that Dustin is currently sitting on. Yeah. And it's a fucking piece of shit. It's got a it's got a cover on it, which you were talking about today.

Yeah. And the cover slides off. So it looks like the couch is constantly melting. Right. So I sit on it and I melt into the couch and the couch melts to the floor and it and it looks like shit. We when Jack and I did the when Jack pranked me with the ghosts, the ghost prank. Yeah, this was a bit that was on Kimmel.

Yes. And he he basically, if anyone hasn't seen it, but he basically had a special effects team come here and like put like, you know, smoke was like coming into your house and like scary sound effects were playing. And you really you're someone who's legitimately afraid of ghosts. So you're afraid of ghosts freaked out afraid of the devil. Yeah. Goblins, scary.

Yeah. Giants you could do without. No, giants are OK. Oh, you think you think you're going to encounter some BFGs. Yeah, they're they're the least scary right ghouls though. You're like I'm in the you know this. Yeah, the ghouls and goblins and all that sort of stuff. That's there's right.

So scary, but not I mean like whatever rates are also kind of dorky. I feel like rates are pretty scary. Yeah, but they're not that scary. Like Lord of the Rings rates are they that scary? I think I'd be pretty scared of one of those guys. I guess so. This screeching faceless thing with skeletal hands and robes. I mean, that that seems pretty ominous.

Yeah, yeah, that's scary. I guess when you put it into context like that, you describe what a rate is. It's scary. Right. But if you go on that YouTube page for that video, first of all, everyone is like like those two are dating and they won't admit it on the YouTube page, which we're Jack and I were just roommates. Right.

It's a Los Angeles is expensive and and we're roommates. That's the one big thing. And then the other big thing is that they make fun of our apartment. It's like right. It's they think we're a couple and they and they make fun of our apartment. Yeah. And that's that is I think the majority of the comments on there. I mean, but you have like I mean, I think that your place is pretty nice.

People like walk around the space and it's like, oh, it's pretty nice. Like you got this little this little brick feature here. That's really nice. That's that that's where you mean the fireplace and chimney. Yes, you've got the chimney there. It's got bricks on it. I shouldn't have called it a brick feature. That was awkward.

That's fair. But no, you've got it's nice. It's like it's like old construction. It's very it's a cool layout. Hardwood floors. Is it you have like a human test this week? I'm trying to pass my void com. No, this is you have a nice apartment.

I think you could probably gussy it up with some some nice. I need a new couch. Yeah, I need a new couch and where I'm going to get one. The great couch certs. Someone's got to help me, but I'm going to make people do this for me. No matter what, I need a $50 gift card to Taco Bell. If you if you get the right couch, right? Yeah, sure.

Why not? What's it? So wait, so Dave, you're an IKEA fan. What's your current couch situation? I mean, I have an IKEA couch. It's but it's not it's not this one. Right. It's not this this this melty one.

The melting couch. You know, if you spend for the higher level of IKEA stuff, you can get a nicer couch. You know what I mean? It's just I don't want to put anything together there. I mean, IKEA is. I mean, it's it was today when we were there. There were a lot.

There were a lot of people there just for a Monday afternoon, right? A random Monday afternoon. Yeah, that's true. Which it's just funny to me because it's like furniture and stuff, but it feels like it's a place that has a heavy traffic. Yeah, yeah, every day. And I could only imagine what the holidays are like around there too. But this is a place that people that I that I don't have much experience

with besides getting that thing with Jack. And then like I feel like my mom buying me something from IKEA once or twice or something, you know, I don't I don't have much experience with it. It's an incredibly stressful place to be on the weekend to me. It's just because it's like it's everybody making big purchases and they're and they have to do heavy lifting and it's crowded and they have their kids with them and stuff and it's just like I don't know man. It's overwhelming.

It's very funny. They gave you like a cart yeah to like take it like it's like one of those places where if there's like a gigantic thing you got to get you just put it on a big cart and you wheel it out of there. Right. There was a woman with as we walked to the cafeteria woman with a bed frame, if you remember correctly, just like a giant bed frame walking out to check out and it's in it was gigantically huge.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, it's you're not necessarily getting a lot of help from people there in terms of getting stuff to your car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I yeah, it's a crazy it's a crazy business. It's kind of amazing the footprint of those stores, the massive humanity that's inside of it and also one thing we talked about there's the before we get back

into the food, but one thing we talked about. They have small land, which is where kids can hang out all day. It's like the and apparently I looked it up and small land. It's as simple. It's like, it's just the Swedish words for small and land put together. It's like a very basic portmanteau. And so when I got there, Nick, you were in small. All right, we'll take a quick break.

We'll be right back with more dough boys. You know, the problem with jeans is that the really good pairs cost two to $300 easily and the bargain brands just fall apart or look terrible, right? Mitch, it's a hundred percent right. I don't have that type of money to spend on jeans. Wager, who does I spent my money on food, right? And rent exactly the cats, the three, the three, uh, the most important elements in Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

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D birthday dough boys. It's Ferrell. I said it three times. Oh, Ferrell. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I almost said birthday boys. You did say birthday boys. You didn't almost say it. You did say it. Hey, whatever. I try to listen. This episode of dough boys is brought to you by Fulton and Rourke.

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There's the bistro downstairs. This is the largest small world. We got everything. Small land is downstairs, but small land. This is the this is the largest Ikea in North America or at least in the United States. And as a result, it's got not one, but two dining areas. I feel like a lot of Ikea's probably have two dining areas, but this is maybe it's a unique feature.

I don't know. But so they have the restaurant upstairs, which has some more upscale sit down fare. And then the bistro downstairs, which is basically just pizza, hot dogs, cinnamon rolls and drinks. Very, very basic vanilla ice cream. Oh, yeah. And they've got some soft serve.

But we started up there at the restaurant and Dave, we you and I worked our way through the line while we're waiting for Mitch and picked up some items. And it's sort of this cafeteria style serve. Is this because I said you were in small land that you brought this up? Just to be clear, Mitch, to not see you in small land. Working over babies.

Also, if I saw you in small land, you weren't around the kids. You were having fun in there. Just enjoying throwing balls around. Right. I think that would probably be fun for an adult. You know what? No, because now this moves into the territory of like,

like the like adults going to camp. Oh, that's true. Yeah, that's right. But like I don't want to be. I do love like ball pits and stuff. Like I wish as a giant man, I could go to like some jungle gym for that head ball, like a big like play place for big adults.

Well, just sign up for like American Ninja Warrior and then just lose on her. Just jump in immediately at first in the first. I would yeah. I wouldn't have to lose on purpose. I would lose on the first step, but like a big. I would like a big play place and you know, I wouldn't need anyone there.

I would just like it for myself to go around on my own and jump in the balls, go through a little tunnel. That would be fun. That's a rich guy. That's like a super rich guy thing. That's like if you're Aaron Spelling, that's a thing you can have in your mansion. Just an adult ball pit for one guy.

All right, so there with the restaurant upstairs, Dave, you and I were, we're snaking our way through that line. Interesting layout. They start off with the desserts. Now there must be some psychological reason for that, but the first thing you encounter is the dessert case. Right.

So you're in line, your sweet tooth is, is engorged. Right. Fully engorged and pulsing. And you're, yeah, in your savory teeth, they're tiny. They've gotten small. They shrink. But yeah, but I wonder, but it didn't make me, I felt like I had to get a dessert because it was first.

It must be a thing of like, maybe you get your other food. If you get it in the normal order, you're just sort of like, well, this is enough food. I don't also need dessert, but if you see the dessert first, you're like, oh, well, you'll lock yourself into it. You're afraid of having regrets. Right.

Yeah, so you get it because you're like, well, I don't want to get through this line and then be like, damn, I wish I didn't, I wish I got that chocolate cake. Right. And speaking of chocolate cake, what was the one you got, Dave? We all had some of them.

The chocolate conspiracy cake. Chocolate conspiracy cake. Yeah. Wow. A partnership with infowars.com. Chocolate conspiracy cake. We also had the pizza gate pizza. I really say, I mean, they have really weird names

for things at Ikea, but they're mostly like Swedish words. Yeah. I don't know if it's called their bookcase or whatever. Right. This was very strange just being called the chocolate conspiracy cake. I don't know what the reason for that was. Those Swedes are crazy.

They're loopy. They're loopy. You know, I just bought a desk in the other, talking of the couch search. I'm trying to do this place up a little bit. It's the new Doe Boyz Studios. So I got a desk made in Sweden. We got it at Goodwill for $25.

She said, this is made in Sweden. This is a sturdy, strong desk. A very nice desk. So they do do things well there, but do they do food well with names like chocolate conspiracy cake? Is that like a weird Swedish? But like, it's basically this is all,

these all these choices are being made in America, right? Well, I don't know. I mean, I don't know how much, I would imagine there's some local control over the menus. That would seem to make sense. The people who live there would know what local tastes would be. But we also, there was a Swedish apple cake,

which seemed like a more traditional dessert. This seemed like a very, this was like a very decadent chocolate cake. It doubles food cake with chocolate frosting. And the Swedish apple cake was more like, it was honestly more like a pie. It was kind of like a pumpkin pie filling, but with an apple texture and taste to it.

It was like a little bit more whipped and mashed than a normal apple pie filling would be. Nick, you wanna go backwards? Should we do desserts first? Whoa, let's do it. Just like Ikea, we should talk about our desserts first. Hell yeah, I like this. All right, so what did you think

of that chocolate conspiracy cake, Dave? I mean, I thought it was great. I mean, it was thick and nice. I mean, keep in mind that I haven't had like real desserts in a while. Right. But I thought it was great. I mean, yeah.

I was really impressed by it. For a chocolate cake from a furniture store, it was surprisingly good and like kind of, the frosting was just creamy enough. It didn't seem like it was sitting for too long. The cake was moist. It was good. I'll go a little further.

I don't think it was just good for a chocolate cake from a furniture store. I thought it was a good piece of chocolate cake, period. I agree with that. I thought it was decadent and delicious. It was very, very good. And I mean, yeah, you take a couple of bites and you start wondering what those chemtrails

in the sky are all about. But this is an inside job I can get behind. Yeah, that was really good. And the Swedish apple cake I thought was pretty good. If I just had that, I would have been like, oh, this is a good dessert. In contrast to the chocolate cake, I was like, oh man, there's no comparison here.

Why don't they just have a Swedish apple pie or something? Come on, right? Is that a thing? Yes, just say it's like make something American and then give it kind of a little bit of a Swedish name or some sort of Swedish quirk to it or something. Because yeah, it was just, I don't know. It was like one of their,

they were trying to do something a little bit more traditional and it just not gonna be something that's really in sync with American palates. But also too is just kind of underwhelming. How about some apple strudel? Oh, some strudel would be fun. I mean, that's German, but Americans aren't gonna know. Like, no, I knew for sure.

No, I know, yeah, I know you knew, bitch, I know. What's another Swedish dish? I don't know. Swedish fish? Yes, but yeah, why don't Apple flavored Swedish fish? Yeah, that was a, the desserts I thought were pretty good overall, but that cake was really good. It was really good.

I really liked that. So we worked our way up and then we got your, the first thing we got in the cold case was Mitch, this was the wrap that you texted us to get for you. That's right, yes. I got the Mediterranean salmon wrap. That was small. Yeah, it was pretty small.

It was pretty tiny. It was like the size of a half pound bean and cheese burrito from Del Taco. Like a pretty small burrito. And but not obviously as thick. Like a half pound bean and cheese burrito from Del Taco is way more filling than what this thing was. Right.

The funny thing to me with that one was like, there was no, like, I was like, why is this Mediterranean? It was like, there was like kind of like some sauce on it, but there was no real reason for it to be a Mediterranean wrap. Well, hold on a second. Was it, was it actually Mediterranean? It was not, it was called the marinated salmon. Yeah, I think you read Mediterranean.

Oh, from the menu. Yes. Okay, I requested the Mediterranean. I was not there. I requested you guys were nice enough to pick this up for me. It was marinated. Here's what I'm saying.

I think that you, I don't know if there is a Mediterranean one on the menu. I think you might have read the word Mediterranean. You might have read the word marinated as Mediterranean because marinated is a weird word to see in the context of a wrap. That's my suspicion. You saw what you wanted to see.

That's my suspicion. No, no. All right, let's, let's get to the bottom of this mystery. Load it up on your phone. I'm gonna load it up on my phone. Okay, great. I could have sworn, you're right. It is marinated.

I was on the road. I almost died while giving this to you. It is, it is, it is marinated salmon wrap. Right. That's right. All right, then I, then I'll, then I'll give it a break. That was very confused during, during while eating that. Also, it wasn't, it wasn't great.

I mean, like the salmon was decent. I'm also trying to figure out if I am allergic to salmon. I broke out in that rash. I had salmon while flying. So it might have been salmon. Oh man. So I probably shouldn't have eaten it at all. Right.

But you've had, I, you've had salmon all your life though, right? I've eaten salmon. Yeah. A pheromone salmon. I bet that's not what it is. I might have it for dinner. Anyways.

It was a, what it was marinated in, I'm not really sure. It was like some sort of like sauce that wasn't like creamy, but it was like, like a touch creamy. I don't know. It was very, it was very strange and like maybe some dill or something. I don't, I don't know. It was, it was, it was strange.

And it was like, oh, this is like almost like a snack. It felt like a snack. It was very much like a snack. Visually it wasn't very appealing. It looked like airport food to me. Yes. It was mostly lettuce. It looked like.

Yes. And it was just like kind of like, there was, there was like nothing. It was like the wrap, the, the, the piece of salmon was like as thin or as thin, if not thinner than the wrap. Right. So it was like this, like it was just like kind of nothing and airy and nothing.

Right. It was a, but not terrible. I didn't taste terrible. It was just kind of like, like you said, airport foodie. It came with plastic over it. Yeah. They made it in the morning and it was sitting in the cold case all day.

Yeah. That's just never going to be that satisfying. It was, it was, it was not great. All right. So then we, we moved past the cold case and we got our, our next in sequence. So we got our way to the hot case where they were making the dishes to order.

And Dave, that's where you and I got our entrees. Tell us about your entrees. I got the Swedish meatballs with gravy and it came with mashed potatoes and green beans and I think lingonberry sauce. Yeah. And then I got a side of macaroni and cheese. Right.

Yeah. What was the, so you haven't had meat for five months or so. Yeah. What was it like biting into those meatballs for the first time? It was heaven. It was pure heaven. It was, it was so good.

I mean, I, it was like, it was like the scene in a ratatouille. But you know, like, he's got the sense memory, but it was just me back to previous times. I've eaten it. It was great. It was, it was a wonderful experience. Did you like those? Because I got the short ribs dish with short ribs also came

with mashed potatoes and green beans. And the short ribs was one of the more expensive items on the menu. I'm not sure if they have it on at every Ikea, but that was, you know, one of the more expensive, I think it was like nine dollars, which is pretty pricey by, by their menu standards. But I thought the short rib meat was pretty good.

It was good. It was like, well, it was like a well cooked piece of meat. It was pretty tender, you know, Pretty tender for, for, for Ikea. Right. Yeah. And I saw you on it. It was, it was, it was quite flavorful.

The mashed potatoes and green beans, I don't think they don't, they just don't wow me necessarily. They're very functional, but I don't think they're anything special. Yeah. I don't know. What did you think about your side? I mean, I thought the mashed potatoes were great.

But you know, they have cream in them, which also probably I was painting my impression of them. I mean, the lingonberry sauce, great. Tastes just like cranberry sauce to me. Green beans, fine. They were good. I thought your, your short ribs were great. I mean, if you like, this is part of me not having taste.

If that, you've told me that it came from like a really fancy restaurant, I would have believed it. Yeah. I remember when they were doing those, those things years ago, they had all those campaigns where they were trying to trick people, like the big commercial trend was we're going to trick people, we're going to bring you to a, a, what you think is a fancy restaurant, we're going to serve you dominoes and you're

going to, like your mind is going to be blown when you find out it's dominoes pasta. Yeah. This felt like the thing kind of thing that would pass the test in that kind of environment. Yeah. Like you could fool someone to think that this was from a fancy Michelin-starred restaurant.

I also liked the mashed potatoes. I thought they were, I thought they were, I thought they were decent. Yeah. They were, they were a little cold. And then you, you also got mac and cheese. I did. And the mac and cheese I, I liked.

I loved it. I thought the mac and cheese was better than the mashed potatoes. Yeah. And it, and also just a little, a tad bit on the, on the cold side, but, but good, but like decent, decent mac and cheese for. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Nothing, yeah, nothing wrong with that. I mean, that's, that's a crowd pleaser. And I think if you get some kids who like mac and cheese and you get them some of that, they're going to be very happy. Um, this, what, while we're in, while we're in entree town, I got a side of, of meatballs myself, sans sauce.

They didn't give me any sauce with that. It was a little disappointed, but they gave, but I had the four meatballs. We had them dry, Mitch. What do you think of them meatballs? They were good. I mean, like with the sweet, with the Swedish meatballs from IKEA, I always picture them coming in like, in a like, like

a Swedish meatballs dish, like with like pasta and the sauce on it. Right. Yeah. It's sort of a stroganoff-y sauce, but usually they actually don't have the pasta. Is that what it is? Is it meatballs, stroganoff?

Is that was, is that the? I don't think it's exactly stroganoff, but it's a kin. It's the same sort of sauce you might get on a stroganoff. Yeah. I, I, I, but I always thought that they came with pasta, the meatballs. I didn't know that they were just kind of on their own. Yeah.

They're just kind of on there and your starch is the potato on the plate. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I, um, they were just fine. Yeah. They weren't great and they, like, I'm saying without the gravy, they weren't great.

And they were just kind of like, yeah, they're pretty good. Are you, are you a meatball fan? I love meatball. You do love meatballs. Okay. Dave, are you a meatball freak? I, yeah, I would say I used to be. Sure.

How about you, Nick? I think I'm neutral on meatballs. Wow. I think I've had them and they're like, these are good, but I don't think it's like a thing. Like, oh man, I got to have some meatballs. My nephew, Liam, recently had his sixth birthday. Happy birthday, Liam.

Loves meatballs. They're great. They're his favorite food. He, he gets very excited about them. On top of spaghetti, I'll cover with G's. I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezes. Little kids like that song. I feel like, I feel like meatballs are like a

big thing for a little kid. You know, that's a, it's a, it's a, it's a big little kid food. But I, I, I, if, if, if it's a meatball done well, like John and Vinnie's here has like an amazing meatball appetizer. That's so, so good. Yeah. I guess that's another thing. If you get into those like those super great, like those

big Hawkins softball sized meatballs, like those, if those are done well, those are real, real delicious. These are just like, I mean, they're different from, from, from Italian meatball, but they're like these sweet, they're little tiny, they're just a little tiny beef balls. They're, they're, they're good. I, I do like them. How do you feel, Nick?

Yeah, I feel like I've worn the same page with these. I mean, I think like, if I, if I hadn't had meat in a while, these would like really hit the spot. And I think that was Dave's reaction. But as meatballs, just as the, on their own compared to other meatballs, I feel like they're, they're right in the middle. They're right in the center of the bell curve. How do you, how do you compare them to meatballs, the movie?

Hmm. Well, I've never seen meatballs, but I have seen what about Bob and that's, that also has Bill Murray. And I would say I like them about the same. You, you like meat. Wait, you don't love meatballs and you love, so you're trying to say that you don't love what about Bob. No, I like meatballs and I like what about Bob.

I would say, I, like, I, I would say I love Groundhog Day. We're talking about Murray movies. So I would say meatballs are worse than Groundhog Day, but I think they're about the same as what about Bob. Really? Yeah. And they're, they're a little better than Scrooge'd. I like Scrooge'd.

I like Scrooge'd too, but it's hard to compare meatballs. I think that movie, I think I maybe like meatballs more than I like any movie. Really? Really? Meatballs are delicious. What's your favorite movie? Meatballs.

So the next thing in the next item in the case, I got a salad with Caesar dressing. It was just like a simple garden salad. I mean, that looks like an airport salad. Yeah. That salad was pretty wack. It was, it was real underwhelming. I did it just to be a completist and just sort of say I had a full meal.

Sure. Yeah. It was really, and honestly too, I kind of ate it. I ate it last, ate my entree first and then ate my salad. A real, that's a real, real European way of doing it. It was a European way of doing it. And it was also a real unsatisfying conclusion to the meal because it would have been, I mean, thankfully we had dessert afterwards.

So that, that kind of brought me back, but it was a pretty. Disappointing act through. We had second meal after it. So don't worry. Yeah, that's true. We didn't get there yet. And then, but yeah, that salad was, I mean, I don't know. I wouldn't even get that there.

If you really want a salad, I'd finish up my IKEA shopping trip and go someplace else. And then we got the lingonberry drink, or I'm sorry, we got our beverages. I got the lingonberry drink, not to speak for you guys, which is like that lingonberry, what kind, how we, I guess it is like a cranberry. I guess that's the closest analog. Yeah. Yeah.

But it's not quite, it's kind of like a cranberry juice. It feels like a slightly sweeter cranberry juice, maybe with a little bit more of a grape or plum texture to it. Kind of like a cran grape juice, I guess. Kind of like a Hawaiian punch. Right. Right. Right.

Yeah. It's almost in that, in that end, but it's real good. It's not overly sweet. It's not particularly syrupy. It's, and it's a lingonberry drink, Dave pointed out, not a lingonberry punch or a lingonberry juice. So it's, I don't know what, what percentage of it is actually lingonberry, but it goes down pretty smooth.

How about your guys beverages? I had the peach drink, right? What the hell was it? I think it was a pear. Oh yeah, pear. Yes, it was a Nordic pear water. Nordic pear water, which was, I took a sip of it, Nick, you, I think both you guys tried it, right?

I didn't, I didn't try it. I had a sip of it, yeah. It tasted almost like alcoholic. Like it tastes like an alcoholic beverage. Uh, and it was, and it was not. It was, it was just kind of like a, it wasn't bad. It was like kind of refreshing, but right. It just sounds like something you soak your feet in at a spa.

Yeah. I think that may be the better version of it, but I'll talk about my second drink in a second when we get, when we get there, when we get there. But for this one, I was just like, it was okay. Yeah. It was, it was nothing great. Nordic pear water is like, uh, like a captcha. Like you have to verify your identity when you go on your password.

Yeah. You have to type in like Nordic pear water. Right. Dave, what, what was your drink? I had the lingonberry. Oh, you also had that. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I thought it was great. Yeah. It's real good. Yeah. I'm going to say in the upstairs level, I was a little disappointed besides dessert with everything I had. Yeah.

I mean, I can see that. I mean, you had a real underwhelming entree. I think you got to do the hot case. If you're going to the IKEA restaurant. Hey, I fucked up. What can I say? I don't think you necessarily fucked up. I mean, how could you have known it wasn't going to be made fresh?

Yeah. Uh, but I mean, I think that's, I think that's the way to go because I think there's their hot dishes are just a little bit more satisfying. Yeah. Um, so we finished that meal up and as normal adult, uh, men do, we decided to have a second meal afterwards and we went downstairs to the bistro and the bistro, like I said before, is kind of a food stand, kind of akin to a Costco food stand.

It's got to just got a few items for a budget prices. Um, and Mitch, you and I both got the cheese pizza combo, which cheese pizza comes with it and comes with a fountain drink. That's right. And then Dave, you got yourself the hot dogs combo. I did hot dogs and a drink for $2. Ours was 250 a piece. Yeah.

Oh, you know what? And real quick, let me touch on this. The total cost of our meal from the restaurant portion, $30 and 92 cents. Oh, not bad for the amount of food we had for three, yeah, that's true. Oh, they were desserts. Yes. Yeah, we got, we got two desserts. Ridiculous.

We got three entrees and ones and two sides and we got three drinks. So yeah, that's a lot of food for $30. You could definitely feed a family on a budget here. Right. Um, but yeah, the bistro, the cheese pizza, 250 a piece, 250 for that and a slice and a drink and the hot dogs, $2 for two hot dogs and a drink. Dave, what'd you think of them? Hot dogs.

I loved them. I mean, yeah, I thought they were great. You know, we, I mean, we already talked about them a little bit, right? Yeah, they're just solid hot dogs. You know what I mean? Just like, I just saw them being pulled out of boiling water and just put on a bun and that's all I need. You know what I mean?

They have those little, it's the kind of thing I always wish I could have in my home, they have these little like hot dog cradles when they're done with the hot dog and it's ready. They just like stick it in the hot dog cradle on top of the counter. It stages upright. Yeah. And it just, it looks so. In elegant.

Yeah, it's really, it is really elegant. Do you think you would like build a nursery and put a hot dog cradle in there? Instead of the child, I'll never have. Yeah, yeah, I might do that. Mitch, we, we got the pizza. We got the pizza combo. We, well, by the way, there was, there were, we didn't talk about it there, but there was a lady who was taking so damn long.

Oh, I know. There was just one person in front of us. She took fucking forever. Yeah. She really held up the line. And I couldn't even tell what the issue was. I couldn't either, but it was, it was infuriating. It was really crazy.

Cause we got there and it was one thing like we were, we were in the very long, we certainly waited for a longer time in the, uh, restaurant line, but that was a continuous, continuously moving line with like 30 people in it. So it didn't feel as long as we did behind one person who was just taken forever to make a very simple transaction. I would say like at least 10 minutes. Right. Like if not, I would say at least it felt like that.

Um, I mean, who can sense time anymore with that? What with that orange buffoon in the white house one week feels like one month. You got an orange bag. You're in support of orange. Oh, this is the Rachel Ray bag. And you got orange new balances. Well, I'm actually wearing green ones today, but you have orange ones, which is the most Trumpian purchase you can make.

That's true. The orange, white power shoe. I like new balance. Uh, they're all comfy. Uh, hey, you know, whatever. Um, I looked into the kitchen. I, I saw what the holdup was the sweetest chef from the Muppets. He was back there.

Right. Making a mess. Uh, and yeah, you know, he does that. Right. Yeah. He was just talking to the one syllable repeatedly. So it's hard to tell what he's exactly. He's saying you're laying some visual cues.

So that's, I think that's, so we blame that lady, but I think it was. Yeah, it wasn't her fault. Right. Yeah. Um, the pizza was, we asked the lady for a, they brought out a hot, fresh pizza. You were very bold, Mitch. There was one old looking pizza with two slices left. Let me tell you, yeah, I'll go ahead.

I'm sorry. And, and you were like, there was a fresh pizza over the other side, like way on the other side. And you were like, Hey, man, can we get some pizzas from that, some slices from that pizza? And what I was going to say was she did not seem happy that I asked. She was reluctant. Yeah.

She was reluctant, but I was trying to offload that old pizza. And I didn't, I didn't want the old shitty pizza. Right. Bad. It did. It looked like, it looked like that 7-Eleven pizza that's just been sitting in the case all day. Yeah.

And I was happy that we did do it because I thought that the fresh pizza was decent. Yeah, it's pretty damn good. It was, it was a, it was better than 7-Eleven's pizza. Definitely better than 7-Eleven pizza. Not quite up to like a Costco pizza, which I think is definitely better. It was still like, kind of like cardboardy and like, not great, but not, not, not terrible. Not bad. $2 for a slice and a drink.

I mean, that's a good value. It's great value. That's, that makes a big difference in taste to me. When I know how much money I've saved, I enjoy a meal so much more. Well, the whole total was just $7. And that was also, it was, that's two slices of pizza and two hot dogs and three drinks and three drinks. Yeah.

Um, I mixed it up. I got the raspberry or the Nordic raspberry water. I as well got the Nordic raspberry water, which was fine. I liked it. I thought, I thought it was my favorite because I tried your guys weird jamboree juice and I liked the raspberry Nordic water more. Very foamy. Why didn't I have so much head?

I don't, I have no idea. We were out of the dispenser. There was, it was like half head. It was like there was so much foam coming out of it. Stop saying head over. Okay. Sorry. It was humans don't do that.

There, there, there was a frothy head to it for sure. I didn't understand what was going on. Yeah. I don't know if it was the machine or if it was like that specific raspberry one. Right. Dave, what did you have for your, for your second drink? I had the Nordic lemon water. Ah, how was that?

I was, I was, I was buying it. It was fine. It just kind of tasted like Sprite or something, but not as flavorful. Yeah. They were out of the cola option, which I was kind of interested in. And then there was a diet cola and I was just like, this is going to taste like shit. So I didn't get it.

Yeah. Right. Um, and yeah, could they have like their own IKEA, like private select style cola? It's so weird that they, yeah, that they have IKEA everything. Yeah. Very strange. Um, overall weirdly, I probably liked the downstairs food more than my

upstairs. Sure. Sure. But you had a great brisket in the mac and cheese and the potatoes were good. Yeah. There's a lot of good stuff. There was a lot, there was a lot of good stuff. I guess at this point we should get to our final thoughts.

That's fair. So Dave, you know, the, the podcast, yeah, we'll go around. We'll sort of give our closing argument, if you will, and then give our final assessment on the order of one to five forks. You're our guest. We will start with you. Well, you know, guys, I mean, I think for me, the value is just that matters a lot. You know what I mean?

It's like the volume matters. The fact that I haven't eaten meat and forever matters. So I'm going to say five forks. I'm going to say five forks for in my opinion. I'm going to say five. That is wow. Wow. Wow.

Nick was, Nick was going and grabbing something for our other segment and he raced back in here to say, wow, my lid was flipped. You can't see it, but Nick's lid is literally upside down. His Lakers had his inside out backwards. Five forks. That is a strong, strong choice. I admire it. Yeah.

Mitch, go ahead. Okay. You know what? I like those Swedes. They're, they, I don't love Ikea furniture, especially couches, but I've had some stuff from there that's been good. And then other stuff that's been a pain in the ass and has fallen apart. I feel like I don't think that's where I'm going to, for the great couch search,

which I think I've changed the name of it multiple times. I don't think that's the place where I'm going to find it, but it's Ikea. I appreciate a place that's probably has everything you could need. And it's like a huge store like that. I kind of do like the idea of that, although that place, even though it is a labyrinth and takes like an hour to walk through. The food, on the other hand, it's tricky. I would like, we talked about, we compared it to 7-Eleven.

I think it's kind of like a similar thing of like, I mean, I go to 7-Eleven and get stuff from 7-Eleven more. But like, if I'm eating a meal from 7-Eleven, then that's not a usual thing. And if I'm eating a meal from Ikea, it's a very, very rare thing. And it's, and it's different. The food is better than 7-Eleven, for sure. Yeah. The pizza and stuff downstairs is kind of similar to a convenient store or maybe

a little bit better quality than some like convenient stores or for NAMPM or something like that. I don't know. I, it's kind of hard to judge. The food upstairs, there were some tasty, tasty bites, as you would say, Nick. For sure. But when the fuck ever am I going to go to Ikea and eat? When on earth is this going to happen?

It's never, it might not happen again. It might not ever happen again. But it's not bad. I don't, this, this is like one of the harder fork ratings for me ever. Mitch, here's, here's what I'm going to say. I'm going to let you meditate on this for another minute. I'm going to give my closing thoughts. I'm going to give my fork rating.

I'll give my fork rating after. And then you swing in at the end. Okay. And, and take us home. I like Ikea. I like that it has furniture for the masses, stuff that's of decent quality at budget prices. The question I asked myself was why does Ikea have food?

I mean, certainly you're not going to encounter food at a chain like living spaces. But, and apparently part of the reason they have it is psychological. So they sell a lot of food at a loss. They sell it for very, very low prices. And so you associate mentally associate Ikea with low prices as a result. You're like, Oh, I can get two hot dogs and a drink for $2. Wow. That's a great value.

That means this bar stool that costs $90 must be a great value too. You just start to associate that like, Oh, they have their, their things that are budget friendly and you think of their, their furniture is perhaps cheaper than it actually is. But I do think for what they offer, the food is good quality. And I think there's something to be said. If you're there, you're shopping for furniture on a budget. Maybe you're someone who wants to eat on a budget.

You can get yourself filled up there. It's a one stop shop. I might not go to an Ikea just for the food, but if I'm at an Ikea, I will have the food. And in fact, in my past visits to Ikea, I don't know how many times I've been over the course of my life. Maybe it's 10, maybe it's 20. I don't know.

But most of the times when I go there, I get some sort of food, either a full lunch or some sort of snack. And it's always something that's cheap and pretty tasty. Today, I felt like we had some genuinely delicious food and some other stuff that was perfectly fine and we didn't break the bank. And for that reason, Ikea gets four forks. Wow. So this determines whether it gets in the gold plate.

Right. Well, it's not getting. Sorry, Ikea. Your shit's too hard to put together. And even though I am just judging the food, which is tasty. It's not tasty enough for me. Right. Three forks.

That's fair. Sure. Very fair. I didn't put. I did not give any arguments. So I feel bad about it, but I was thinking with it. I get it. I get.

I actually get the five. I mean, it's surprising to have something like when you go up to like keys, keys, keys, keys on Van Nuys, you're not going to get great food. You know what I mean? Absolutely. Right. And like you said, Nick, when you go over to living spaces, you're not going to get great food.

Right. So to go to Ikea and do furniture shopping, or should I say to go to Ikea and then pick up a meal that's that's pretty pretty tasty. That is that's pretty crazy. And I mean, I think three forks is a respectable score. It's not sure it's not. It's very respectable. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So good job. I mean, overall that's a rating of I mean we what we did a little ladder walking there. What do we call that before we? Oh, what fuck? We had some stair step. What was it the stair the stair step club or was it that it was a three or four and a five is going to bother me.

What was it? I don't know. Ladder buddies. Yeah. Ladder buddies. That's a that's a four overall. Yeah. Yeah.

All right, great. That was Ikea. That was Ikea. Now it's time for the return of a beloved segment. I've got a slice of pie and Mitch and Dave must divine a series of clues to guess what it is. The winner keeps the pie. The loser goes home empty stomach.

This is pie in this guy. All right. So here's how this works. Dave, if you're unfamiliar audience out there, it's been a while since we've done this segment, so I'll explain the rules. You'll take turns getting increasingly more obvious clues. There are two lifelines, the smell test or phone a friend. And Dave, you're a guest.

You get to choose whether you go first or second. By the way, Dave, I always lose a lose. I won once in the entire every time we've done this. I think I've won. Yeah. You don't have a great right. You have a good record in the wire challenge. You don't do very well in pie in this guy pie in this guy.

I got to say this to you. You say the loser goes home empty stomach. I am home. You got to change the wording of this. OK. The loser stays home empty stomach stomach. I'll just say stays home because I'll assume you're going to lose. Yes, I'm pretty sure I'll lose.

But I'll go. I'll go second. OK, you'll go second. No, you messed up. You got to go first and pie in this guy. Well, Mitch, now you have the advantage. All right, let's see if I win. Actually, did it change?

Do you now have to go second? I forget. It was first for like the first times we did it. It was like the most insane question. And then like slightly closer than the third one is like the most. It was like they get increasingly more obvious. I think by the third one, you guys will probably figure this out. Right.

Or if not before then. All right, here we go. Also, there's always someone on Twitter who's like, I got it right away. All the time. Someone always says they get it from the first clue. Why? It might be the case here. All right, Mitch, you get the first clue.

Mm hmm. You'll love this sweet pie as long as you're not allergic. Is it a fucking feather pie? Is that your guess, feather pie? No, it's not my guess. Can I use one of my lifeline? Yes, go ahead. It's either sniff a pie or what?

You either get the smell test. You get to smell, but not touch or look at the pie. Or you can phone a friend. Phone a friend won't work right now. I'm going to do the sniff test, because I like to do. Does Dave get to do the sniff test? No, this is only. It's burnt.

Yeah, it's burnt now. OK. OK, all right. So I'm going to bring this bad boy over. I hope to God that I fucking get it just with this sniff test. I'd be impressed. I think we've got a tough one today, Dave. I think so.

You're not allergic. I close your eyes to make a little visual here. All right, Nick, I have my eyes closed. Nick is bringing the pie over to me right now. My eyes are closed. But Dave, your eyes are closed too? My eyes are closed. Nick, my eyes are closed.

Huh. What the fuck is that? It smells weird. And I think that you put the pie in my nose. I wasn't trying to. Did I get you? I don't think I got you. It hit my nose just a little bit.

Did it really? Yeah, no, but just. The actual pie part? No, I don't think. Or the case? Maybe it was the case or your finger. OK. It wasn't my finger.

I wasn't thinking it was. No, I definitely want the pie. Definitely want the pie. Could Dave not smell that? It was right by his head. I couldn't smell it. OK, good. I think it had to be pretty close to it.

If you're not allergic, I am going to guess. I don't fucking know. I don't know. Well, not pie. Well, not pie. A pie that doesn't exist. It's not correct. Not a pie.

Or I also don't think an allergy. Oh, but that's all right. I was going to guess. Oh, yeah, whatever. Macadamia nut pie is what I meant. OK, macadamia nut pie is not the answer. OK. Fair guess.

Dave, you get the next clue. OK. George Washington chopped down a tree that grows a common pie ingredient. George Washington Carver, on the other hand. That's such. Is this is it peanut butter pie? You are close, but you're not exactly correct.

Fuck. OK. Mitch, you get the next clue. Shit. OK. Remember, there's still a remaining life line of phone a friend is insane. What?

That your second clue was George Washington Carver and a dot, dot, dot, an ellipse. All right, let's save the notes until we're done with all the clues. OK, that's second clue. You can say it's a height property. OK, all right, fine. I know.

I think I know what it is. OK. The next clue. Reese's comes in pieces, but this pie comes intact, though it shares a name with a different Reese's treat. What? I know, I got the clue. Don't read it again.

OK. Reese's comes in pieces. So I was right to think of a nut pie, by the way. Peanut butter, I guess, is the is. I'm going to say a peanut butter cream pie. Very close, but not exactly right. Motherfucker. Dave, this clue goes back to you.

All right. If you don't get it, Mitch will get another guess and you'll alternate guesses until someone gets it or until I just end the competition. All right. All right, here we go. The final clue. This is the most obvious one.

Remember, you still have the phone a friend lifeline. It's not a walnut cup pie. It's a blank nut cup pie. Hint, rhymes with B. That is, you give the way the hard part? It's peanut butter cup pie? Dave, you have one pie in this guy. That's such garbage shit. Cup.

This is a peanut butter pie from Bacon Broil in Long Beach, California. Wow. My wife's cousin, Mindy, got it for us. It's delicious. Is it vegan? It's not vegan. I'm going to throw it in the trash.

I'm going to lick you dead in the eye. Guess what, though? The trash is in my house. That was pie in this guy. Mitch, you're staying home empty stomached. Just like a restaurant, we've got your feedback. Let's open up the feedback. Today's email comes to us from Dan Fry.

Dan writes, subject line, four to escort story, macabre ending. Here we go. I wanted to relay my own story about lifting an escort after listening to Mitch's. There's a few episodes ago. Was it two episodes ago, Mitch? With Christopher and Art Steylan, you were talking about lifting your friend's car?

No, no, it was my car, yeah. It was actually my sister, my grandma's car, then my sister's car, and then, yes, my friend's lifted it. Your friend's lifted it up. Physically lifted it up. A good friend of mine had an early and 90s or late 80s escort when we were in high school. We always gave him a hard time about it,

and he was always a good sport. One night, we were at a friend's house, and five of us tried to lift his car. We were able to not only turn it around, but carry it into the front yard at the house. The car is actually pretty light. We were all more on the Doughboy spectrum than the Dumbbell spectrum.

Depressing fact, six months later, he drove under a school bus and was decapitated in that car. Jesus Christ. Anyway, go Burger Brigade. So... Thanks, Dan. He's quick.

What's the question? I didn't really have a question. He just wanted to relay that story. He drove under a bus and was decapitated? Yeah, the guy, I guess they pranked this guy. It was his friend, right? And six months later, he died pretty horribly. It's his friend, right?

That's what it sounded like, yeah, a good friend of mine. Dear God, we're sorry. Yeah, what's this guy? Sorry, Dan. Dan, sorry, Dan. Yeah, it's very dark. Jesus. Thanks for listening to the show.

Yeah, the Ford Escort was always pretty safe in my, you know, when I drove it. Right. You've still got your head. I still have my head, yes, intact. I was in the car the night that it broke down. Right. And it broke down right by a KFC Taco Bell,

which I went over to. Here's the thing. It broke down right in the middle of a, it was on Hancock Street, which is kind of like a, you know, like a traffic-y place in Quincy. I was underage. I had probably four to five friends in the car. And this is in the Ford Escort that doesn't fit,

right, anyone. And we had beers. And in the car that we weren't drinking and driving, but we had beers. Right. And we were under, we were probably like 17 or 18. The car broke down. Everyone ran away.

Like everyone just got out of the car out of the intersection and ran. Rabbit. Yeah. The rabbit move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They took off, except my buddy, Micas. And they took the beers.

We got the beers out of there. Like, but someone came back and took them or whatever. And then we sat at the KFC Taco Bell and we had some food while we waited for the tow truck to come and get it. And it was dead. My grandma's car that she had for, you know, 10 years or whatever.

Right. That was the end of it. That was the end of it. Sometimes that happens. A car just, just falls apart and that's it. But maybe that was fate. You know, maybe that was where your love of fast food restaurants.

That's where your car broke down. And then somebody was like, Hey, you should talk about this on a podcast one day. That is, that is definitely one of my friends. Micas, Micas, I think we had a Zinger sandwich, a KFC Zinger sandwich. Oh, I remember those. What is that?

They're actually back right now. Are they? So anyways, we just did some legwork to forget that intense, sad story. Should I not have read it? Did I pick the wrong email? No. I thought it was interesting

because I thought it was relevant, but then it takes a hard left turn at the end. And I was like, well, I can't admit this. This guy obviously wanted to include it if he mentioned it, the subject line. Yeah. Well, there was no question is, which is I think the trickiest thing of this one.

Right. There isn't a specific thing to address. Dave, did you have any epic pranks you pulled in school? I was a good boy. No, you're a good boy. I was a good little boy. I didn't pull any pranks. I mean, I was, you know,

this is now trying to do pranks we pulled. Well, that's what this one began as. Nick, did you ever pull pranks? Hmm. Did it do much in the way of pranks? I was less of a prank guy. You know, one thing I did do, I pranked my mom a couple of times.

Oh, really? Yeah. I put a, I thought it would, I put a Godzilla under her pillow the night before Halloween, thinking that when she woke up, she would be scared by Godzilla. But what I didn't realize is that it just

made her night's sleep very uncomfortable because she just didn't understand why there was this weird like plastic thing under her pillow and she couldn't get comfortable. And she like woke up with a neck ache. Oh, God. And then I also, I pranked my, I pranked my mom and dad.

You know that little thing in the dishwasher? Like you've got like a sink and you've got that little thing that you can pull out and sort of spray things. What's the thing called? Oh yeah, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the spray nons. The spray nons. A little sink hose, yeah.

But so it has that little thing that you kind of fold in with your hand to make it pressurize. I did this before to do it. Yeah, I put a little rubber band around it. So when dad turned on the sink, that just sprayed all over him. He didn't think that was very funny. Your parents hate you.

Hey, mother, I pranked father. Oh, cool son. But this was when I was like eight. And I thought that was like really funny. My buddy Joe tore me a sharpened a pencil and then put it in my seat, sitting upwards in it. I sat on it and it basically went up my ass. Jesus Christ.

That's horrible. Wow. It was bad. Sounds really uncomfortable. It was very uncomfortable. Man, I'm sorry. Yeah. Joe was funny though. It was your prom night, right?

If you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants, you can email us at doughboyspodcasts at gmail.com. To get the Doughboys double or weekly bonus episodes, subscribe at patreon.com slash Doughboys. Dave Thomas and what a treat. Have you in here? A real treat.

Thank you for coming by. Thank you for, I can't say this. I don't know if I should apologize, but instead I'm gonna thank you for breaking your diet to eat with us today. That is something else. It was an honor to be here. I would do it again for the Doughboys

and I'm also I'm also going to go see Morrissey tonight, so I'm making it up to the vegan world. Morrissey cover band, right? So yeah Morrissey cover band. Yeah. Oh, where are they playing? L. Ray. Oh, that's fun.

Tom Lennon's in the band. Whoa, that's awesome. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, that's yeah. What if Nick and I want you to break your veganism and we invite you back every week to eat meat? I do it. All right.

No one would enjoy that. No one would enjoy me being on that. No, we absolutely would. Everyone loves you. Mitch would love that because it would mean we wouldn't have to put any more effort into booking guests anymore. That is true.

We just have to take care of. I understand some, because that is like the thing about having a podcast that's like the most work is trying to book a guest. So I understand why Bill Simmons just has like the same four friends from college. He just keeps rotating in. We went to Who Chartered Today, Kulap and Howard.

Two of the funniest people. Two of the funniest people. And it was like, oh man, it's gotta be nice to just... I mean, we could do that at some point if we want to. You just show up and you do the podcast. You don't have to have a fucking meal ahead of time. Yes. You don't have to go on a field trip

and report back like it's fucking school. This homework. It sucks. You love homework. Yeah, no, I know. I don't love homework. You want to go back to high school. I don't want to go back to high school.

Yes, you do. No, I'm glad I'm free from that place. You're back to school. Then you're back to college then. You want to go back. Oh no, you hate college too. I would like to go back to college in a Rodney Dangerfield sort of way.

Yeah, that would be fine. That was great. Yeah. Can you do that? Yeah, you can. Anybody can. Yeah, you can go back to college. You can just go back.

I can just go back to college and party? You could. You don't think people would like that. People would not like that. You think people like in the dorms weren't like me having me around? Yeah, they'd be like, what's this? What?

What is this guy doing? This guy is here for sex reasons. Yes. They'd be right. Hey, if you want me at your school, hashtag Spoon Man back to school and I'll come to your college and I won't get late again.

Dave, do you have anything you would like to plug? No, just watch at midnight. That's all I got to say, I guess. Check out that show at Comedy Central after the Daily Show. What the hell? What the? Why did you go into a weird robot?

No, I was trying to do a little promo. Oh, okay. Check out at midnight after the Daily Show. All right, well, good luck on your human test this weekend. I hope you pass. That'll do it for this episode of Doe Boys. Until next time, for the Spoon Man,

Mike Mitchell, I'm Nick Weigher. Happy eating. See ya. Living spaces. Feral audio.