Doughboys - LIVE in Austin: Torchy's Tacos with Jon Gabrus

Episode Date: December 14, 2017

Comedian, actor, and writer Jon Gabrus (Real Housewives of Las Vegas, Guy Code, Upright Citizen's Brigade) joins the 'boys to review Torchy's Tacos, an Austin institution serving up creative twists on 'damn good' tacos. Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Feral Audio March, March, March, there we are. March, 1875. The Corpus Christi San Diego and Rio Grande Narrow Gauge Railroad Company is chartered and begins construction of a 52-mile line conducting San Diego, Texas to Corpus Christi. In 1881, the company changed ownership and was rechartered as the Texas-Mexican Railway. The new owners extended the line to Laredo, a border town that would become the primary port of entry for rail commerce into the U.S. from Mexico. This physical connection between two of North America's largest economies would morph into a civilizational connection reflected in the Texas-Mexican Railway's commonly used shortened name, the Tex-Mex. Tex-Mex became slang for the cultural merging of these two independent states, most enduringly, for food. In San Antonio in the late 19th century, Hispanic women known as chili queens gave birth to Tex-Mex cuisine by selling chili con carne, tamales, and enchiladas at outdoor stands to local workers. The distinctively flavored offerings of these pioneering vendors soon migrated across the Lone Star State, and we've come as much a part of Texas food culture as chicken fried steak and pecan pie.

In 2006, Michael Ripka, who'd started out as a fry cook at Popeyes, then rose in the restaurant industry ranks to eventually be an executive chef at the World Bank, left the world of fine dining for finance tycoons to serve down-home Tex-Mex eats to Austinites, mortgaging his house to open a taqueria that operated out of a trailer. The shop struggled at first, so Ripka engaged in guerrilla marketing by riding around in his vest by handing out free chips and salsa to tempt locals over to his makeshift storefront. Once they tasted the food, including the restaurant's queso and green chili pork, locals couldn't stay away, and one customer is said to have proclaimed, damn these tacos are good. Damn good, thus becoming a key element in their branding. The trailer expanded into storefronts throughout the city, and today, just to scan 11 years after its founding and over a century since the Chili Queens and the Narrow Gauge Railroad brought this food scene into existence, there are locations across the state and even in Oklahoma and Colorado, meaning these Tex-Mex eateries cover more geographic ground than the old Tex-Mex railway herself. This week on Doughboys, torches tacos.

I like this crowd. Welcome to Doughboys Live. How you doing, Austin? We're a production of FeralAudio.com, of course, and before we go any further, with our terrific show that we've got lined up for you, this week's roast is courtesy of at Joey Nelson. Let me introduce my co-host, glazed and confused, the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell! What's up, everybody? What's up, Austin? You know why it's hot? Very hot crowd. Hot crowd. Come in hot.

We're intimidated. We're shaking up here. Was I? No, no, you did great. Tell me, no, tell me honestly if it was. No, you did great. Okay. You got no edit button on stage when you're live. I know, I fucked up one of my, I fucked up a little bit of my verbiage.

Oh! Come on, take it easy. I'm doing my best. You try reading an unbroken monologue for a minute and a half. See how you do. It's easy to yell from the darkness. Sorry, I hope that's not a Quincy guy. Quincy's in the house tonight. You got all your friends are here. They're somewhere.

Micus, I just saw Micus. You got, you got Micus. What's the role called? You got Micus and Wu Tang and Frail. Who's with us? You got Micus, Wu Tang, Scoop, Glenn, Dano. Did I forget anyone? Frailbot's not here. Did Sheldon make it? Sheldon here?

Sheldon, you in the house? There is no Sheldon, you fucking asshole. How's Mudman? Mudman, you with us? Wallamy, do you make it out? I hope they beat the shit out of you during the show. I love the Quincy guys. Also, Mitch, I should point out, you're wearing a T-shirt that says... That says all their names.

It's Lys-Chankton and Wu Tang and Frailbot and Micus. It's like a... And the last one, Foxton. Foxton, which is one I made up. Which you made up. Yeah. This is like if Tony Stark wore a shirt that said Hulk and Hawkeye and Black Widow and Thor.

And Foxton. And Foxton. He should. Anyways, I just want to say... Yee-haw! The Spoon Nation. That's all I planned for the show. It was to say Yee-haw instead of Heidi Ho.

Oh, Wiger's coughing, by the way. Are you okay? I gotta... I'm fine. I got a very bad cough, as you know. I've been dealing with the... Hold on. I'm fine.

Hold on. I'm fine. This is real. I'm fine. I had a... I've been... I'm fine. So, we recorded before Thanksgiving.

And I told you I was a little under the weather. Yes, so three weeks ago. Three weeks ago, the cough that I got in that cold has lingered continuously. I think I have some sort of bronchitis. Or it's exacerbated my existing asthma. The two things has happened. But yeah, I've had some coughing vets.

We bought cough drops for you last night. I was using cough drops. Should I bring them out here? Should I have cough drops on stage? Yeah, you should bring them out on stage. We'll have a... Gabriel said if you can hear us... There's a bag of cough drops.

By my backpack. If you can grab them. If you don't find them, that's fine. I got some water here. The least exciting way to let people know who the guest is. I mean, they knew anyway. They know. They're here. They know who the guest is.

Gabriel, can you get my cough drops? That's how you announce the guest. Here's the thing. There's no one else out there. There's no one else up there who could do it. Unless we want to dispatch Dustin from the sound board. You know he's going to give you like THC cough drops. Your eyes are going to turn all black.

This is actually... We can talk about this when he's out here, but... So I have my Ventilin inhaler, which is my prescription inhaler to treat my existing asthma. And he also... It's pretty cool. Our guest also has a covert secret weed inhaler. Gabor's brought so much weed.

And different ways to dispense it. Different ways to dispense it all on the plane. Right. He didn't pack any of them. No, yeah. He brought it all with him. He just brought it with him. But if this was some sort of... If this was some sort of raunchy buddy comedy,

there would be a moment where our inhalers were inadvertently switched. And I would find myself, without my knowing, quite high. Yeah, I don't think... Well, in the buddy comedy, it would be a lot of fun, but in the reality, you would probably shoot yourself, I'm sure. That's what it would take. I'm finally loose enough to pull the trigger. Uh-huh.

Speaking of... I mean, we should... We got a lot to talk about. Right. Should we... Do you think we gave him enough time to get your cough drops? Do you have a drop? You have a...

Speaking of drops. Yes! Oh. Oh, do I have a drop? Okay. Dustin, play that drop, why don't you? All right. I've had six beers.

Holy shit. Is this a new rapper or something? No, I've had more alcohol than that. Uh... I can suck my own dick. I can suck my own dick. I can suck my own dick. I can suck my own dick.

I can suck my own dick. I can suck my own dick. Is it flexible? What's your... What's your key in there? There's a backbone. I can suck my own dick. I can suck my own dick.

Is it kind of low? I can suck my own dick. I can suck my own dick. Should we get to that later? So... I gotta give credit for this. Right. Go ahead.

So, go ahead. Say what you want to say. I feel like this is... That was not canon for this. I said that in a different podcast. I think it's a violation for you to use that as... I feel like that's like a guide-in. That's not actually canon for this...

For this podcast. This gentleman... There's a gentleman in the front row. I guess anticipating that this would be a revelation. He made his shirt. He made his own shirt. He's got his own shirt. Stand up.

Let everyone see it. The front of it says, Mopius Nick can suck his own dick. And the back says, And I respect that. Very nice. Very encouraging. I appreciate that.

Sir. You are a good guy. Very encouraging. I appreciate that. Sir. You weren't going to get away from it. Well, that was from my... Right.

It was at funnyman69420. Hell yeah. That's really... That's his name. That's Apatow's Twitter handle, right? Now, Nick. Should we get into it once Gabor's comes down? We're like, okay.

Look, I'm mad about the whole thing. Let's introduce our guest. We said his name a bunch of times. We're very unprofessional. But you know from Comedy Bang Bang, the host of the podcast, Hi and Mighty, our good friend,

John Gabriel! Yeah, get in the middle. Get in the middle. All right. Time to make this fucking thing about myself. Thanks for ratting me out about weed, you fucking narks. So...

Brand Gabriel says, So much weed upstairs, officer. Lock the fucking green room door, please. Can we discuss the stage picture real quick? Because you just left an empty seat between the two of us. Mitch. I will admit, it's a little weird.

Like for a ghost. It's a little weird. You're like four feet higher in the air. I think that you should, like Gabor's, you should even come, either come in the middle or Mitch, you should scoot over a seat. Oh my God.

I'm just feeling like an empty seat right here is weird. We'll leave that one on the end for later. You may think Gabor's has a beer, and that is that a quadruple bourbon on the rocks? I asked for a big bourbon on the rocks and they gave me a big bourbon on the rocks. It was like filled to the top surface tension style. I had to take a sip of the meniscus.

Gabor, we spent some time and take it in the local sights and sounds and eats earlier today, but you're... Hold on a second. Yes. We can't just skip over the big reveal. The more we talk about that big reveal, which by the way happened on my podcast.

My podcast, High and Mighty, available wherever you get. Your podcast. Great podcast. Fantastic podcast. If you're going to use my comedy material that appeared on my podcast on yours, I'm going to need some residuals. I'm already flying around the country,

fucking eating, putting myself into the grave two years earlier on your behalf. Then you come out here and play. I'm going to turn this around to be anti-you somehow. I don't think it's possible. Nick, yeah, the secret. I won't even say what it is. Okay.

The secret that you revealed. Yes. It's something I knew about you for a long time. Right. In fact... They were in yoga class together. That's an unbelievable lie, right? They don't let you wear a dope boy shirt

with a flannel over it to yoga. I want to dress like the guy who dies in a horror movie. Mitch dresses like deadliest catch. The fucking tuna. Mitch just... The fucking tuna? Mitch just misread the email and he thought he was coming on the blue-collar comedy tour.

Oh, is that Mitch? I thought that was Tater Salad. Oh, sorry. You guys might like them. This is Austin. We have thousands of cold brews. Now, Nick. Yes.

So I knew this about you. Right. Some may say I even got this information out of you. I asked you. I said, can you suck your own dick? On a text chain we were on. Right. You told me yes.

And I cheered in my house. And I was alone because it was the best thing I'd ever heard in my life. Right. That's how I felt. I've never been so invested in anyone's auto-philatio until Nick told me that and I can't get it out of my mind. My wife, who didn't know Nick previously

because she doesn't want to listen to podcasts, was like, should you ask him if you need to edit that part out? I was like, he knows what he was doing and she was so fooled by Nick's weirdness that she was like, I think he was really nervous and didn't know what to do. Right.

And he got drunk and got a little too real. I was like, no, he's always that fucking weird. Don't worry about it, babe. This is like, he's doing what he loves and look at his posture and face. Okay. He flew here to do this. And look at this lunatic.

He's so pumped. It's fair to call me out on my hunch posture and neutral expression. However, I will not dare allow you to call being on Doe Boy something I love. This is a chore, my friend. I'm learning that one day into a tour. Right.

No, but no, I, of course, love to do this. Hold on a second. Hold on. I was, so this big secret. Yes. We're still not at your fucking point. No. Hold on.

Hold on. Give me a fifth try. Hold on. You've been speaking for 10 minutes straight, you fucking asshole. You knew what you got when you asked me to come. I know it's good. Thank God.

I'm not the fucking commissioner. I'm a comedian. He wants to take down Susser and I, we kind of like it. Please, please, Gabriel, the foreman from the union has the floor. What do you mean the dog's a frozen? That's a fucking...

Finest hour, bro. That's a compliment to me and there's union guys from Quincy right up there who fucking skull fuck you in an hour. Sick brag. I've got friends willing to skull you. This is not goodwill hunting. You're a 35 year old man.

Relax. Yeah, I've met your friends. They have like, like families. I don't think they're gonna... You are the scummiest out of these jobs. You set them up like they're fucking black mess. No, I didn't say they're black guys. I love them.

They came to Austin. Wu Tang is here. I work for an accounting firm during the week, but I'm gonna take a little trip down to Austin and skull fuck my friend's podcast co-host. Look. I talked to you a week before this, about two weeks before this reveal.

And I said on the finale of Doe Boys, I'm gonna say this that you can start your own day. I mean, here's what I say. That's fair. You did, but I did not, like, agree to this. And also, it's my secret. And the... Yes, I could...

But if you go back and listen... I don't think you can claim my secret, but also I would say this. The context of what your wife was saying, Gabriel earlier, what everybody was saying is fair, because I was... We were set up the set up,

and you didn't get the full context of that clip. We were all sharing secrets. It was like four or five guests on your show. We were all sharing secrets. We've all had about six beers. We've all had about six beers because we were doing a real power hour, where we were doing a shot of beer every minute,

and this was, like, minute 59. Yeah. And it was like, let's say something that we... Let's share a secret that we haven't shared before. And so I... And I was going, like, second to last, and I was like, okay, well, I know I got this bullet that I can fire.

And I was racking my brain as we were going, and I was like, I got nothing else unless I want to talk about, like, breaking my classmate's chalk in fifth grade. I guess I'm going to go with... I think that would have gone over just as well. I think I would have got a lost break from that one. Yeah.

It's got a huge pop. Right. I understand that. But I still... Yes, a little trepidation about sharing it. And in the aftermath, yes, a little... It's not maybe something I somewhat regret disclosing, but at this point, it's out there.

So what am I going to do? It's out there. Now, listen, I'm just saying, if you go back and listen to Doe Boys... Right. I don't think he's happy that it's out there. I feel awful. No, it's not your fault.

It's fine. I don't mind. If you go back and listen to Doe Boys, you would say something like, some guy goes and sucks himself off, and then I'd look up at you, and you'd look up at me, and we'd both smile and nod.

And that was our little fun secret that we had together, and you ruined that for me. How are you injecting yourself into this? Because I was keeping a secret. I was being a nice man, and I wanted to reveal that so fucking bad. I didn't tell people his secret. He told it.

Right. If that was your complaint, that would be valid. If I told Gabrus in confidence, and Gabrus had disclosed it, and you'd wanted to disclose it, and he knew that would be fair, but it's my secret,

and I've disclosed it on my own terms. All right, fine. You're right. I think it's fine. I had a plan. Yes. Well, Mitch just wants everyone to know he could suck his own tits.

Yeah. I can't even. I should be all gone. Did you want cough drops? I got you cough drops. Did you really? Yeah, they're shaped like Swedish fish. Wait a minute.

I know what mischief you're up to. Gabrus just ate both of those. Gabrus told me that he was going to shove all those in my mouth and toss me down the stairs on my way out. Oh, you did bring them. My honey herb, Ricola. Okay, great. Ricola.

I'm going to have one of these right now. Before I have this cough drop. So, Gabrus. Wait, wait. I got a quick question for you. Yes. When your dad tells you about the birds and the bees, does he explain how to do that to you?

Sometimes the bee puts his own stinger in his mouth. Like, this is in the Weiger family lineage. It's like Teen Wolf, your dad's son. There's something you should know. Us Weigermen can suck our own hogs. Thanks, Dr. Weiger. It started back in World War I when Aldous Weiger in a trench. And the French was T7 vertebrae.

He was able to fold like luggage. And guess what, guys? If you're a good enough crowd, he's going to do it at the end of the show tonight. Come on. He said on the flight here, I ain't sucking my dick in Houston. I ain't sucking my dick in Dallas.

If it's anywhere, it's ATX. The flight attendants were like, Suck your dick. Suck your dick. Holy shit, this is going down fast. Oh, I just talked into this. Oh, boy. Check, check, check, check.

I'll just say it puts enough strain on the lower back and neck to not be pleasurable for long judges. Okay, so... Yeah, people wondered about your bad back. And I think the mystery has been solved. Not related. In any event.

So, we're spending some time in Texas, but you're from Long Island. I know you have a favorite Long Island sandwich shop. My hero. I do. Fuck yeah. One person cheered. Thank you.

I mean, I have no allegiance. I mean, I've eaten there every time I've been back to Long Island since I've left. Right. And I ate there once to twice a week the whole time I was living there. It's the fucking best deli in America.

It's so good it's closed on Sundays. What deli closes on Sundays? That's the big deli day. But these guys are such rich fucking Catholic genzos. They gotta fucking shut it down to go to church. Sorry, I'm all... Texas just thought you were racist. Texas is like, not the Italians.

They get it so bad these days. Yeah, there's that travel ban on Sicily. What kind of sandwiches do you get from there? Their three big ones are the All American, which is like a roast beef turkey ham type situation. A champ, which is one of your prosciutto, cappuccino, you know, the super sod.

And then the chicken cutlet, which is chicken, bacon, lettuce, tomato, mayo. That's my sandwich. I get the large. Knock off the tomatoes, because fuck tomatoes on sandwiches. And burgers. Tomatoes in salad and sauce only, bro.

And then add cheese. Some people like white cheddar. Gabers just looked at Mitch. I like a slice of tomato on my sandwich. What do you think? I'm okay with tomato. Do you feel healthy when you do it? Do you feel like, well,

now I got my salad in for the day. I had a tomato on a waffle. No, actually, Tom Brady thinks tomatoes are bad. Are back or bad? Are bad. Because they're nightshades, like eggplants and mushrooms. They're nightshades.

All nightshades are bad. That explains your guys differing physiques. And I have a tomato. I swelled up to weight redacted. I appreciate it. That's not how confident you are. I know I'm over 300 pounds, but do you? My trainer weighed me and I looked the other way.

And I said, don't tell me that I'm already said, I'll tell you someday. Was it true that it was a topless woman with a blindfold who was holding you in one hand and a dumpster in the other? A dumpster full of lead and no more jerseys? You fucking asshole. I'm going to be shit-faced in my notes.

Yeah, Jesus Christ. You're powering, pounding that bourbon. Fire in a... Hey, bartender, we got some tickets left over. Fire up another one of these bad boys, please. And I'll tip you later. I'm respectful, normally. I think one of those drinks is all of our drink tickets.

All right, we're going to have to go into the fund. Nick, you had something you needed to do, like a whole podcast or something? We're having fun. He's going to ask you about your second favorite sandwich shop or something. No. What's your second fave?

I got to say Finn's Delicatessen in Massa Beagle Park. Shout out to Mike DiDomenico, the owner of Finn's Delicatessen. Jesus. I got to go there and try to get a sandwich named after me there. That's my goal in life. In memory of John. They're going to show a black-and-white photo of me

at, like, the Deli Awards. In the in-memoriam section. It's me and Semolina Rolls. You kept us in business through those videos. Someone is going to hand another bourbon right now. Another bourbon rocks. Thank you, sir. That's a van or a...

Who are you? Can someone validate that this guy works here and is not just coming from the stage production of Days of Confuse? You're going to get taken down like that Croatian war criminal. How envious were you of that guy to get poisoned by God?

That's the coolest story ever. Look, a monster, but a baller move. A way to go out. We're just good guys on all sides. So we've been spending some time. We took in the local sights and sounds here in Austin. One of the things we did is we saw ourselves a motion picture, an Alamo draft house.

Why are we even hosting a podcast? Let's just name local landmarks and let these people go ape shit. They want it. That's what they want. They say Salt Lake, I'm showing my tits. That's a dude, by the way. It sounded like a man. Guys, this Alamo draft house we went to

was located on a street named Slaughter Lane. Named for the famous army sergeant. Oh, really? No, come on. It's not named for Sergeant Slaughter. Go try to pull one over on us. Gotcha.

It's not named after the wrestler slash GI Joe character, Sergeant Slaughter. What an insane crossover that guy had. Oh, right. From animated to real, or vice versa. Was he really both? I mean, I don't think he was literally both, but was he actually the same Sergeant Slaughter on GI?

No, he wasn't. I think canonically he was. Also, I think our audience is like, we were born in 1991. We don't understand this reference. We don't have TV, only podcasts. But the movie we saw. Hold on a second.

Yes. You almost didn't come. Look, shouldn't we get in How Do We Got Here? Yes, should we explain the logistics of travel to the people? You want me to? I just want to say that we flew on Delta. Shout out.

Platinum medallion, motherfucker. What are we cheering at this point? Hold on. I was just going to say. We got them trained perfectly. Just run with it. We were in, it was Gabriel's, you and me. Right.

In three seats. And we were like. And you booked the travel. Yeah. And you put yourself in between me and Mitch. I was the meat in a bun heavy sandwich. We were the Texas toast with one slice of weird turkey. The plane was empty.

Halfway through the flight. We're like, we look around. Every seat is open. We're the only row with three people in it. It was the only row that had three seats full. And I was like, hey, why don't one of us go back there? I'm fine, buddy. It's okay.

I love it here. I'm going to refresh Twitter for the whole flight, buddy. Yeah. Why are you staring at the airplane screen in your phone? Which I don't think you got Wi-Fi on. I had Wi-Fi. I had a complimentary Wi-Fi courtesy of T-Mobile. Come on.

Come on. In the future, everything is brands. So now our free Wi-Fi. And then once that expired, I was going to look at the airplane map. The airplane map, the GPS wasn't working. But you continued to look at it. I looked at, well, here's the thing. It was just hovering over LA, the plane.

Yeah. It was, and then Nick's tongue came out of his mouth and went into the USB port. We just saw numbers scrolling by. And then he said, the flight's going to be on time. We're like, oh, cool. Thanks, Nick. The GPS wasn't functional, so I switched over from the map to the airplane details. I learned a little bit about the Airbus A319 that we were flying on.

That's insane that he knows that. Passenger capacity of 132. He stared at it. A speed of 832 kilometers per hour. This isn't a bit. That's fucking crazy. But I also was listening to a podcast that I wasn't just like staring at this static screen. I had a podcast that I was listening on.

I was listening on to Raised by TV, your very funny new podcast. Oh, thank you, Nick. When they asked me to do the show, I said, you see my writer mentioned two of my podcasts. Well, in all fairness, you mentioned one of those. Yeah, yeah. Well, Mitch played a clip. Right, that's true. But no, I was listening to that, and I was listening to an NBA podcast.

So yeah, I was occupied. My mind was occupied. I wasn't just staring into space. Okay, all right. You memorized every podcast. And we all had cocktails. We had some cocktails. You had a Bloody Mary courtesy of Drone Strikes in Yemen.

Oh, boy. What the fuck? They really are cheering for anything. In the other half, we've just lost completely. They hate us. Also, I'm really scared to watch Gabriel's Get Drunker and continue to test this. I'll get us shouting for some real interesting stuff. But yeah, now that we've got the chronology to travel.

You had a little cough. You had a bad cough. And you still got it. Because you weren't going to go to the movie, but you soldiered on. It was early enough screening. And we went to this movie. Appropriately enough on Slaughter Lane. Murder on the Orient Express.

Who's seen Murder on the Orient Express? Yeah, the people who cheered first hadn't seen it. They just know it's a reference. Because if you had seen it, your energy is way off. Oh, where my air cue plaro heads at? Who loves Kenneth Branagh's mustache detective character? Fun fact about that movie. Longest movie ever made.

We literally, one of the reviews we said was, it's a testament that it wasn't the most boring movie ever. Right. Like somehow, just because you filled it with stars like Willem Dafoe and Josh Gad. Who's booking everything me and Mitchell auditioned for. That fuck. Between him and Dan Fogel, we'll never work in this business. Fogel.

And Tyler Labine. They don't even, these guys have been in like five movies. But they're five I auditioned for. This movie was aggressively boring. Right. But thank God for the Alamo Draft House. We could drink beers and milkshakes. Nick, it was your first time being there.

My first experience there. Yeah, I suppressed the cough a little bit. I cut up a couple of glasses of Malbec. Which is lovely. Yeah, I sucked. Nick had a tea nose and he had three alcohols. I really did. And you write that little note.

Yeah. Did you write to the waitress high one time? You put high up on the thing? Yeah, I was just making small talk. If people aren't familiar with Alamo Draft House, if people who don't live in the city, you will listen to this podcast later. So the way it works is that you have like a little like, basically a school desk. And you've got some scraps of paper and some pens.

And then you can write on like servers come around and you can write your food or drink order on it. And then you sort of stash it upright. And if they see it, they will grab it and then they will bring your food out and it will be built with you at the end. You love that experience, right? It's a great experience. I mean, here's what I will say, because they are aggressively dicks about don't text, don't talk during the movie, which is totally fine. That's great because a lot of people do that.

But the system that requires a waiter to talk to. Right, right. It's far more distracting to have a server like walking across your field of vision constantly throughout the movie and then like go around whispering, last call, last call when you're like approaching the climax of a murder mystery. I was watching them instead of the fucking boring climax of that movie. We all did it together. Oh, my God. Spoiler.

Spoiler. They all fucking did it together. The fucking... The book's like 120 years old, isn't it? Who gives a shit? The wackest resolution to a mystery. They're all guilty. Like, great.

Cool. Like, who cares? But also, if me and my Quincy friends, each stab you once, they do all get off at the end of it. Only if you're being investigated by Erquil Poirot, who has in fact the worst. I watched the movie like the same exact way you did last night and do not remember anyone's names, especially if it's Erquil Poirot. That's the only one I remember. I know he got called Hercules a couple of times.

Right. That's the only one I remember. It could have been the fact that you were downing THC gummies. I forgot that I ate like five of those right when the show started. That's about 40 or 50 milligrams of THC in there. Should be perfect for this bullshit meet and greet you freaks need. No one will know I went to something unless there's a photo of it. Sorry.

I'll see you out there. We're very excited you paid for tickets. There will be a meet and greet after the show. Yeah, that's okay. Chase it with your tall boy of straight bourbon. See how this all goes. In addition to seeing this very dull movie, we also went down to Lockhart, Texas, which I guess is a town of some renown.

Okay, a little bit of cheer. Smaller cheer than drone strikes. To get some barbecue. Apparently this is a town famous for its queue. We went to a place. Barbecue. Come on. I call it Q.

So they got some great Q down there. A couple of places we went to. We went to Smitties and we went to Cruz. Smitties is like frozen in time. I think Cruz is said different, right? Cruts. Cruts. Is that how you say it?

Crites. Crites? Wait, hold on. Just this dude in the shirt. Crites. Never mind. Someone who speaks English. Just this guy.

Crows. All right. Crites. Crites. Crites. Crites. Crites. Nine.

Nine. Jesus Christ. This guy is going to be cheering later. Wow, I would have never guessed that's how you said it. That must be, that's good search engine optimization right there. Yes. It's important to Lockhart, Texas. I was like, oh, I wonder if Smitties is on Instagram.

It's the two, it's Smitties is the original, right? And then Crites broke off from Smitties all the way around. Okay. All the way around. Oh, interesting. Well, according to this guy. Yeah. I believe him.

We skipped blacks. They took the fire down the road. They took the fire down the road. Oh, how about that? I like that. We skipped blacks because Mitch kept screaming, no blacks, no blacks. From the flight all the way here. Wasn't it some fever dream or something?

What the fuck are you? We didn't have time for blacks. That's all. And we couldn't go. We make time for everybody here at Toe Boys. We didn't, we didn't have time for blacks barbecue. So we didn't go to blacks barbecue. I mean, two lunches was plenty considering we're supposed to be eating a different restaurant.

You guys had a lot of meat. I tapped out after just Smitties and our producer Dustin, I think only eats vodka. So, but we, but you guys had a lot of meat and we had some brisket. We had some sausages. Them sausages were real good. The hot rings they call them. We got some hot rings. I just had a fucking hot ring up there during your monologue.

I managed to shit from when Nick started his monologue. Then he's like, can Gabriel's get my cough drops? And I'm like wiping his ass. I can't. It's like shit, shit, shit. Nick, did you put one of those cough drops in your mouth yet? Yeah, I unwrapped them all after I wiped and didn't wash my hands. Touched each individual fucking.

Oh, it's mostly toilet paper butt dust in there. You did not, you did knock on a random passerby in the airport who had taken a shit in the airport restroom and then didn't wash his hands. And like he came out and you like went up to us and like loud enough for him to hear it. Like, knocked on him. Yeah. I said, this motherfucker over here didn't wash his hands. And he came from the stalls.

I can't, I can't judge what he did in there. But my, I mean, even if you go to the urinal, just fucking run water near your hands and leave. Like the rest of us. But we, but what did you guys think? Like what were your, any favorites, any picks from the, this, this variety of Q that we got? He's got opinions. I was kind of arguing with Mitch, but pre this trip. Cause I really want, I've been to Salt Lake a number of times and I wanted to return to Salt Lake.

I wanted to take you guys. And then you were like, no. Salt Lake is an Austin staple here. Correct. Yes. Right. Yeah, guys. Salt Lake's good.

And I was like, oh, I want to go to Salt Lake again. You were like, no, trust me, Lockhart. And I was like, I've never been. Was I right? Yeah. I'm about to tell you, you're so fucking like low self-esteem. I'm getting to telling you you were right. And you need to cut.

Yeah, but I was right. Right. You were correct. Yes. My car was fucking bomb as hell. It was awesome. We went wild on some fucking 1130 AM meets. I'm still sweating from it.

I don't even think they're sweats. It's like a, it's, I'm, I'm so drenched. Yeah. It's, it's just like the, the meat marinades or so. I've just, I'm soaked. Right. Is there like a famous, can we ask the crowd? Is there like a famous rule in Lockhart?

It's like, get the beef ribs here. Get the pork. Like, is there something that we need to know? Did we fuck up? Oh, we fucked up then, for sure. Yeah. This one guy seems to know a lot. So we're just going to go to him.

He's also in the front row. Makes it easier for us. Yeah. What's like, did we, should we have gotten what from where? Well, I mean, it's all. Some dude just shit his pants. He was like, oh, I farted, reached in and went, fuck. Okay.

Ribs for Smitties. Yeah. We got ribs for Smitties. They were fucking great. We did that. We got ribs from both. We ate. We, it wasn't like, we, oh, we could have done that.

I ate seven ribs. Hold on a second. You ordered, we ordered almost everything on the menu at both places. There was a lot. We ordered a cold ring and they're like, you have to cook that yourself. And we were like, oh, we'll take more hots then. I was like, oh, cold. What could that mean?

So it's cold. Oh my God. I will say of the rings, we got that one of the hot rings. We got a jalapeno sausage. That was perhaps a personal fave. It was real good. Real boys, real meaties. Yeah.

Really, really good. I just said that had like not too much heat, but just a little bit of heat. And that, that meaty sausagey flavor was quite succulent. I like. Okay. Nick. I preferred the brisket at four. It's weird how Nick ate it, by the way.

He put it on his lap. Okay. He's like, let me just hold this with my thighs. He's like, slice the grapefruit and put like a piece of grapefruit on it. If you don't know what I'm talking about, Google grapefruiting. Do it now on your phones, from the audience during the show. That are all on, right? So I preferred the brisket at Croix.

That's right. I can't even, I'm not even going to try to say it again. I thought the brisket at Croix was better, but the sausage at Smitty's was, it was all good. Yeah. It was all really, really great. What are people's barbecue faves? Where are my brisket heads at? That's everybody?

Where are my pork rib freaks? How about my beef rib boys and girls? The fuck? Wait, what am I missing? Where are my pulled pork maniacs at? Oh, a lot of pulled pork fans. Is pulled pork big in Texas barbecue? No.

Whoa, shit. Hold on. I saw one girl solemnly nod, one woman solemnly nod, yes. And everyone else screamed no. No. Must be what it's like to be a woman. Also, that was like, I agree. I'm louder and bigger.

Shut up, lady. I actually kind of, everyone's like, fuck you. Sorry. The horror of that reaction was like you were watching Bud Dwyer like, kill himself. Relax. What am I missing? What are the big barbecue meats that I'm missing?

I thought you said brisket. They said brisket, you fucking drunks. Sausage. Oh, sausage is a big one. Sausage. All right. Where are my sausage suckers at? You still call the zombie suckers.

I didn't mean to make that sexual. Neither did I, brother. We pronounce it Sausage where I'm from. Do you really? I don't know. You do kind of when you're talking about Angeles. Los Angeles? No.

In Long Island, in like the Tricey area, you say Sausage. Not really, but you do a lot by accident. You would have been great on Sopranos. As someone that killed early. Oh, I wanted to, I wanted to be like, like beating off and fucking, what's his name, Flavio, chokes me from behind. Why I need to be beating off. I'm actually not describing a scene from Sopranos.

I'm describing my sexual fantasy. You'd be like the guy who you get, you're with AJ Sopranos when he gets a DUI and then Paulie Walnuts like fucking beats the shit out of you. That'd be your story arc. My dream. That's my dream role. That or the guy who is supposed to be in Cuba

when Jason Bourne shows up, but I'm in too deep. Like, I'm like, I'm drinking like rum at the airport with my gut hanging out and I'm like super tan. And I'm like, Jason, welcome brother. You want pussy or drugs? He's like, whoa, chill out, man. You know, I'm not, I'm not really an actor, but the one thing I think I could pull off is the radar guy

in some sort of like Tom Clancy movie. Yeah. Like, I think I could be like, like, Pogies coming in 12 o'clock, five, six, seven of them coming in hot. Like, I think I could be that guy just like, like my face just blocked on a radar screen. Yeah. And then just giving coordinates to the main character.

You think you could play a guy who looks at a screen? Right. That's like 85% of your life. You just need one close up where you wipe your brow like, whoa, close call. I feel like... Mitch, who would you play in a movie? Oh God, I don't know, some fat asshole.

Yeah, I mean, I'm playing a fat asshole, of course. You would play... Come on. The dumb... I don't know, I'm never going to be in another fucking movie in my life. Oh, Mitch, wait, hold on. Hold on.

What if they reboot Thunderdome? You could be master plastic. Yeah, Mitch, what if they get that long-awaited young Santa prequel off the ground? You didn't even let me... Isn't there like, isn't there an American sumo in Osaka? And they all think you're a fan thing about your squints? Sir, that's insensitive to Asian culture.

You're like, no, this is what my eyes really look like. That makes sense. That's about right, I think. That's not good. Nick, I was going to say, I was going to make fun of you first. Sorry, Mitch. And say that the Eric Harris biopic... Oh, boy.

Is that the Columbine killer? That's the Columbine killer. Go with the lesser-known name. Dylan Claybold. All right, there you go. See, those guys were teenagers. I'm 37. I don't think I could play that young.

No, not at all. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't pull it off. I wouldn't be convincing. We could give you some hair dye. You'd be all right. Hair dye? That's the thing that makes...

I think he's... Is his sandy blonde hair, whatever you call it? I think he's perfect for the role. We de-age him or something. Yeah, we Benjamin Button him. Yeah, we'll Benjamin Button you. Oh, like in the latest Pirates movie when they have a young Johnny Depp.

Yes. That is pretty good CGI. Yeah. Hey, speaking of which, Johnny Depp, he's the guy who gets murdered in Orient Express. I will say, it was impossible. He's become such a visible parody. Right.

Like, the second he came on camera, I just started laughing. He looks like a sketch character. He looks like a sketch character, and he doesn't look like he's dressed up for the movie. Yeah. He's wearing like... He looks like he's shooting like a Gucci ad

because he's like the way he looks normally. He has like a weird hat and mad rings on. You're like, Johnny Depp, get a fucking clue, dude. Right. You're a big fan of the Pirate movies. You like the last Pirates. Yeah, we like the Pirates movies. We both like the last Pirates movies.

Yeah, I know. It's pretty good. Yeah, are you done with Depp though? Are you over it? Is the honeymoon over? Look, Depp's a dip. As far as I'm concerned. Wow!

Ouch! You heard it here first. Ouch! Shots fired! Depp, I think he's lost a step. Ooh! Depp! Hold on.

This is going to be for anyone over 30 in here. Depp just ain't jealous anymore. Who's like a 35-year-old guinzo that used to gel their hair? Hair product from back in the day. The Depp line. Yeah, thank you, Nick. All right, let's bring them out.

Johnny Depp, everybody! It would be awesome if we flew us three in a row and Johnny Depp sitting in front of us. Can you get a picture of us for Instagram? All right. Fuck. I was just about to make a transition

and then I got a coughing fit. Okay, let's talk about this week's change. Nick got an Airbnb with an iron lung. Yeah, we have this Airbnb. We've got two stories, which is very nice. We've got downstairs, which is the bear den. You guys are sleeping there. And then...

It's ripe for hibernation. These guys, him and Dustin are in hoodies in the house because we have the temperature. It's like 45 degrees. And we're walking around in her underwear going, Jesus, is there ceiling fans in this place? Dustin gave downstairs, he was like, the thermostat says 50.

Dustin was like, it was last night. He's like, it's warmer outside, so I'm going to go sit on the deck. And he just sat outside the notch shiver. And we went outside and it was like 20 degrees warmer outside. We were like, we should put on the AC so we could sleep. It's like, it's easy when you have a surge protector

that you could put on the floor. You can put it on the floor, and it's like, it's easy when you have a surge protector that you could plug both CPAP machines into them. Wiger's like, I was trying to sleep and it sounded like two Darth Vader's fucking downstairs. We should have got one thing. If you listen closely underneath the sound of CPAP machines,

you can hear mattresses requesting help. Mitch and I are sharing a twin. So this week's chain. All right, chain restaurants. Austin's own torches tacos. How do people feel about torches? Are people still, if you still love torches, hashtag light me up.

And if you think torches is kind of, oh, you're kind of over it, or maybe you're kind of a torchy skeptic. Torch song trilogy. Yeah, hashtag torch song trilogy. I think they were too confused to cheer for that one. Isn't that a movie about like a dying football player or something? Possibly.

It's just the only thing that came to my mind when someone said torch. So I insisted on screaming it over the host of the show. It's called... Wait, it's called trilogy, but it's one movie? That could be wrong. That's confusing. So we went last night.

And we got an array of tacos and various other treats from this torches. I mean, have you guys been before? This was my maiden voyage there. I've been a couple of times. You've been a couple of times. I've been once before. Twice before.

And did you have... So you came in with kind of positive opinions of it? The one thing I knew I needed to get again was the fried chicken taco with queso. Yeah. Oh, wow, okay. I was going to get to it, you know. The trailer park trashy style, is that what it's called?

I think like I've come a few times and one time I said, can I have the white trash trailer park? And the guy behind the camera was like, yeah. I was like, oh, what's it called when you put queso on it? Let's start with that one. Not white trash, obviously queso, you know. Let's start with the trailer park. So the menu description,

we got hand-battered fried chicken, green chilies, lettuce, pico de gallo, freshly grated cheddar cheese with poblano sauce on a flour tortilla. And as you mentioned, you can get it trashy. Sub out that lettuce and add queso as a menu option. Get rid of that fucking lettuce, dude. Let me tell you, I got it as it comes with that salad without the queso.

I got it standard style. I thought that lettuce added a lot. I got a little bit of moisture to it. I love lettuce on like a fried chicken sandwich. So I could see how that would work well together. Oh, weird, Nick liked it when they put hot lettuce onto the top. God damn it.

It's just guaranteeing that fucking listeners who think they're funny are going to add hot salad out of them for the next 50 episodes. Did you order the hot salad? It's like a picture of the three of us on the plane. Seven people make the joke. Hot salad question mark? Killing it, guys.

Read the other comments. Jesus, relax. Don't attack. We're here in front of them. Yeah. They're already paid their tickets. They're through the door. They're the idiots who came to something

you can listen to at home. I'm just kidding. You'll get an Instagram with these two after the show. Gabriel says to speak for all of us. Okay, so I will say though, outside of the lettuce and outside of the baseless hot salad accusation, I really enjoyed that.

I thought that the fried chicken itself was crisp, crunchy, and moist. I'm a flour tortilla skeptic. I always love a corn tortilla over a flour tortilla, but this is a really good flour tortilla they have there. It's a really well-made one. It doesn't have the gummy character that you'll get at a chain, or a lot of chains if you get that flour tortilla

at a Taco Bell or a Del Taco. That's your favorite. You think it's gummy? I don't love flour tortillas in general. I feel like just a lot of mainstream chains. They can ball them up and they'll stay a ball like Taco Bell and those things. They've got a lot of preservatives in them,

but it doesn't feel like this one has that same sort of character to it. Yeah, I thought the lettuce added a lot. What did you guys think of your trashy style? That was the one taco that all three of us got. Torgies lets me do something that I'm obsessed with, which is quantity and variety. Those are the two things I look forward to.

That's why I love Topis. You could just go ham on 50 different things. I feel like we got all of our food and the waitress is like, are you guys going to eat all of this? She was shocked. She was a little upset. She was truly upset.

Well, she started to say that and then she looked up and saw you guys and was like, oh, okay. Are you going to eat never mind. Two plumbers and a serial killer came to eat food. Why are they friends with that serial killer? Nick, I think you're getting a cider. Mitch, I think you're getting a cider.

Oh, yeah. Oh, unfortunately for Mike, he has to get up, which is a real process. Thank you. What's your thanks, buddy? I don't have to know your name. Thank you, though. Well, I want to.

That's not what I meant. Whatever. It's hermously, is his name? He's hermously. Thank you, hermously. Hermously? Good luck in Slytherin next year. I don't buy hermously as a name.

Is it really hermously? It's 2017. It's hermously. This lady just said yes. They're all lying. They're drunk. We're going to do shows with no booze. That makes 301 of us.

No booze. Oh, I'll come sober to two guys talking at a table. Yeah, let's do some matinees in a fucking middle school auditorium. We'll just have that watered-down orange drink. They have it in assemblies. Also, as I drink, a hypocritical fat asshole. I tell you, I like the boozy crowd.

Guys are getting loose. I like it loose. Having a little fun out there. Who wants to see me suck my own dick? I laughed into my bourbon and two splashes went one into each eye. You look like me now. Remember when Milhouse got gamma radiation?

Right. And then lost his glasses. Hulk, put on your goggles. Another one I got. Well, actually, let's back it up a little bit. I love the trailer part too, and I think I don't want to be old mainstream, but it was my favorite of the bunch.

Yeah, that's a... I mean, it's maybe a crowd pleaser, but it pleases crowds for the right reasons. It's a really good execution. You're talking fried chicken and cheese and queso in the same thing. That's like a win, no matter what. You know what I mean?

That could be in a boot. It could be in one of your size, 14 triply Adidas Sambas, and I would be pumped to eat it. It could be in one of your orthopedic fucking... First of all, he's basically right on the shoe size. But I will say... Oh, they are sambas!

They're gazelles. Oh, they're gazelles, I'm sorry. But you were also right that I do have orthopedics inside them. How would I know that much about a big fat guy? How could I have possibly gotten that info? You see, my weight is crushing the bones in my feet, so... Speaking of queso, let's back it up.

For what I thought was the star of the meal. It's a green chili queso. It comes with some chips. I like a good queso. This is just an excellent execution. The green chilis are really good. Light heat, but just a good amount. The dairy that's present in that cheese cuts it.

Great cilantro. I loved all the cilantro that was in there. Just like a home run. Just a really good version of this. A little bit of guac in there as well. A lot of cotija cheese. The little guac nugget in the middle is great. Didn't you think that they went...

You said they went cotija crazy. I said they went cotija crazy on the green chili pork taco. Green chili pork tacos. I think there was a nice amount of it in the queso. I don't think you can go too crazy with cotija. I think it can be... A cheese that has a lot of bite like that. Like a feta.

I think you can have a little bit too much sometimes. I feel like it was maybe a little overdosed. I feel that way about pico. Some of my favorite tacos were ruined with an abundance of pico. Again, I'm keeping up my anti-tomato tirade here. But tomatoes are just too juicy for most foods. You know what I mean? A lot of pico on a taco.

The thing I like most about tacos... And of course, talk amongst yourselves while I explain this. The thing I like most about tacos is how all the ingredients start to become one inside. When things start getting a little melty and the cheese melts and gets some lettuce and whatever the sauce in there is. I keep saying sauce with a W in it.

And it all melts together into one flavor tube. That's like where I want to be. And I think tomatoes fucks that up by bringing a little too much H2O into your taco. Interesting. I feel like you would like love, like, gruel. I guess when I'm saying what little vegetables comes with fried chicken and cheese,

I want out of there. The queso was killer. It's great, right? Yeah, it was awesome. Where is the best queso in Austin? Okay, three different answers, surprising no one. Okay. Some people are saying torches.

The only one I heard was torches. There's not a clear consensus, it seems like. Isn't the queso with chorizo at Guero's really good too? No? Wow. No? They hate you. We have differing opinions of a fucking appetizer.

That's like the lowest thing on our fucking things we disagree on, trust me. You also earlier effectively called everyone here a loser. I think they might, you might have primed them to be a little hostile. Sorry, let's, let podcast fans know you guys are fucking heroes. Right up there with the New York firefighters.

Bring it back to New York, you sick fuck. Yeah, buddy. Is Eli Manning gonna retire, Gabriel? Eli Manning is gonna fucking shoot himself on the field. If you want, like, just listen to Mike Francesca's, why am I talking about New York Sports Radio? I love it, let's hear it. You're like, you're the new mad dog.

I'm the new mad, fingers crossed. Yeah, you know, I feel bad for Eli because they should at least start him and then sub him out so he can keep his fucking streak alive. The guy gave his, literally his body. He played three seasons with a fucking strainer, a sieve, a colander for an offensive line. And so, like, the guy fucking put his life on the line

the last three seasons. Give the guy the fucking record. And how is the green chili pork? Some guy was about to say something to you. Well, I don't want to talk about the Giants in 2017. I want to talk about their two Super Bowl wins. Fucking asshole, fuck. Sick fuck.

That goofy bastard is goofier than me, beat us. I can't fucking believe it. Well, you can't fucking, Brady can't run in Uggs. Yeah, I don't really... That woo is gonna, like, break a bottle over my head at the bar. They're up there somewhere. I know, breaking bottles over something.

Maybe they've left. Back to Quincy. Nick, should I go on with my next taco? Please do. I got a brush fire. Ooh. Big pop for brush fire. That was my second fave of the bunch.

Was that the one with Diablo sauce on it? It was the one that came with the side of Diablo sauce. Guys, the Diablo sauce is fucking hot as shit. A little bit of heat to it. I've never felt whiter than when I took a pinky of Diablo sauce and ate it, and I was like, well, I don't have what it takes to eat this. I'm something of a heat secret.

I had a little bit of that in a tortilla chip. Yeah, definitely pretty spicy. Some real spice to it. I liked it. I enjoyed it. You were in full robot mode tonight. What the fuck? Have you listened to Rain Man's sauce reviews? A little bit of a heat secret, a little bit of a heat secret. Very hot on a chip, very hot on a chip.

Mother lets me drive in the driveways. It had a good D to it. I said, you're in a full... I said, you're in a full robot mode and your angry rebuttals, I'm having fun. I am. All right, good. I'm having a good time. Let's go to alcohols and have fun with the audience.

Back to the screen and then... That brush fire tie, you know, we don't like brush fires in California, but that brush fire... No, we do, actually. Of course we don't like brush fires. But that brush fire taco, I think it treated you pretty right.

You know, I thought about that. I said, man, I don't like brush fires. I probably shouldn't order this, but no, gee whiz, it looks delicious. What the fuck's wrong with you? Oh, it's a fair observation. Would you rather the joke have been, we don't like trailer parks in California?

You fucking classist. A classist now? The fucking Hollywood elite like that. I did. There was a roach on our bathroom floor and I was like... We were planning to sleep downstairs because that's where the air conditioning was and Mitch goes, go look in the bathroom.

He went in there to take a shit, comes out and goes, go look in the bathroom. I was like, I don't need to see a fucking log, dude. And he's like, no, maybe we should sleep upstairs. And I go inside and it's like a dead roach on the floor. And he's like in like a towel drying his hair and a robe like Goldie Hawn and Overboard. Ask your dad what that movie is.

And he's like, maybe we should sleep upstairs. And I was like, I'll throw the fucking roach in the garbage. We'll be fine. I'm not sleeping upstairs with Nick and Dustin. God knows what happens up there. The roach was dead. He didn't even notice it at first. I didn't notice it. And then I was like, what am I looking at?

He's like a foot long dead roach on the floor. I'm like, I see nothing wrong. And then you accused me. You said that it wasn't there until I pulled down my pants. Crawled out of your urethra. No way. It's not getting out of that thing. Let's just say I can't do what Nick does.

But his urethra, he could put a half dollar this way in it. I'm like, if I can get that thing up to the belly button. Anyway, too personal. Who do you think has a smaller dick? Me or you? Oh, 100%. I mean, you're an alien. You have like a big fucking, you don't even know how big your dick is.

You're a big fat guy. No, I promise you my dick is probably average, but looks super small on me like Bilbo or, you know, it's like forced perspective. Look how loud and confident I am. I'm clearly compensating for something. I was about to say it's always the quiet weird ones with the big hogs. And you are the evidence of that.

Mitch, did you hit yourself in the mouth with a microphone? You like chipped a tooth with a mic. Yeah, which makes me question how the fuck you do that whole thing you do. Especially because I figure that it's the same texture. For a second you zoned out and you thought it was an ice cream cone. Let's get back on topic. Let's talk about roaches and cum. Tell us how you like the taco.

I like the brush fire taco. There's a little bit of fruit in there. I don't like to mix fruit in... I don't like to mix... I know you're going to make fun of me because it's a fat guy thing. I don't like fruit in my food. I don't want to have like... I don't like fruit in my food.

How often is someone like slipping you a grape? Hey, this burger has a kiwi in it. I like a little like sweet with some spicy. I think like pineapple in al pastor or something like that. Yeah, that can work honestly. I'm trying to dig that. This has mango, it's Jamaican jerk chicken, grilled jalapenos mango, sour cream and cilantro and then that Diablo sauce.

I didn't know it was chicken when I ate it. It was so good I assumed it was like shredded pork. It was fucking great. It was great. That was one of my favorites. Speaking of shredded pork, green chili pork taco, pork carnitas, green chilies. Yeah, this is apparently one of the signatures. Cotilla cheese, which I mentioned,

onion, cilantro, lime, white, tomatillo sauce. A lot of corn tortillas in this one. I like the corn tortilla. Just saying to say it. There's a fucking audio medium. Most of the people who are listed this episode are not going to have eaten here. They want some sort of description of what the menu items are. Are you Claude?

This is a fucking broadcaster. Don't take it inside, you fuckers. We paint with words. That's what we do. All right, Jesus. A little too much cotilla. I like the pork flavor, but the pork, and this was an observation you had, Gabriel.

A little dry. I could have used a little bit more of that tomatillo sauce. This was the one that didn't impress me as much. I was excited for it because I'm a big green chili fan and I just thought it didn't have, like it was a little drier than I want. And I think, you know, a corn tortilla, like a double corn tortilla with dry insides could really fuck one over.

Yeah, I like that double corn, that sort of traditional taqueria style that you'll get often from a really authentic trucker or a shop. You'll get from an authentic trucker? An authentic trucker or a shop. I thought you said trucker. I get all my corn tortillas from an authentic trucker. Name's Dale.

Here's your tortillas, Nick. Want to see something, Dale? Anybody? Sack my own dick, buddy? I've never wanted to do someone else's bit more than you doing that voice. It makes me laugh so much listening to the pod. I get so pumped to get to do it.

In many ways, I stole it from South Park as well. In many ways? In the way. Yeah. Right. You stole, like, 11 parts. You have, like, five things you do on this podcast, and three of them are stolen from South Park.

It's a great show, am I right? I'm an avid listener to Doe Boys, and I reach for defibrillator paddles every time Mitch tries to choke out Heidi Ho. Christ, someone get a fucking IV in this guy. Someone needs dialysis. You can hear it. Nick, we also got some tacos

that align with our political affiliations. I got the Democrat, and you got the Republican. Yeah. And I got the dirty Sanchez. For Rick Sanchez, my hero. Oh, no, that's from Rick and Morty. Was there ever an actual politician with the voice?

Santorum. Oh, Santorum, okay. That's why I meant dirty Santorum. Should we wipe your dick across healthcare? Here's what I'll say about the Republican. It was a taco befitting the party affiliation of the man I call the Orange Buffoon. Oh!

Shots fired! Grilled jalapeno sausage, pico de gallo sauce, pico de gallo, freshly-getted cheddar jack cheese, and poblano sauce and a flour tortilla. Honestly, with all that verbiage and all that flowery language that you get from the menu description, it's fundamentally just a hot dog and a flour tortilla.

It was nothing special. It was a real letdown. This was the one... It was the one disappointment of the menu offerings. Now, I'll say this about the Democrat. I gotta say, I don't like corn tortillas, okay? Shit, dude. I'm sorry, I don't like them.

I like flour tortillas. Fuck you! Fuck off! Mitch is currently playing a wrestling heel named El Gringo. Tell them what you said last night. If it ain't white, it ain't right. It's not what I said.

We were like, are you talking about tacos? And you went, uh, yeah? I've never said this. I'm just like, look, since you guys boo me so much, you like corn tortillas now. Hey, someone's blowing me still. Fucking asshole.

Yeah, because it was transparently craving. Yeah, I don't give a shit. You flip-flat more than a swift boat captain. I get political. Wait, you were going after John Kerry, the 2004 Democratic nominee? Take that, Kerry! You got a beef from a presidential election

from 13 years ago? He's... Against a guy who lost? In a prisoner of war? Yeah. Dukaka still sure looked like an asshole in that tank helmet, huh? I think you're thinking of McCain.

Oh! Wait, who are we talking about, Kerry? John Kerry. Oh, what the fuck? Did you start listening? Let's catch you up to what's happening a foot away from you. Yeah.

I'm trying to get over it. I'm just trying to say this. I don't like corn tortillas so much. Don't hold your booze. I don't... Sick fucking Austin pieces of shit. Needlessly hostile to an audience that was so receptive up top.

They were having so much fun. I love them! What the fuck? I'm just trying to say... I'm just trying to keep saying... I'm just trying to keep saying weird, man! I thought the barbacoa was one of the best meats we have. That was.

I had a little bite of that barbacoa. It was awesome. It was great. The barbacoa was great. And we almost covered every one of them. Gators, both you and I had the... What's it called? The brisket taco.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I like that one a lot. What was it? The Crossroads. The Crossroads was very good. The flower, baby. No, we got it on corn. Did we?

Yeah, we got it on corn. Whatever. Was Crossroads the title of that Britney Spears movie? Yes. Is that take place in Austin? But Crossroads is also... Can anybody, anybody tell me why? We die.

We die. I miss my Uncle Charles. He's... They're Uncle... That Uncle Charles really died. I've read up on the story. Yes, it's like... It's like one of the guys in Bone Thug's actual uncle.

Yes. Imagine you're in a hip-hop group and someone's like, Can we do a song about my Uncle Charles? And everyone's like, Yeah, I guess so, man. And then he goes a huge sing-all. Yeah. We're gonna be hardcore gangster rappers.

Now our biggest song's about your dead uncle. Who owned a roller rink. That part I made up. I believed it. I liked the... I liked that taco a lot. The Crossroads was good. The Crossroads.

Nick, did we hit every taco? Well, we had a couple more. You could... Because Gabriel, she went back for seconds. That's right. You ordered a... After the woman... The woman was like,

Are you guys gonna eat this all? And we were like ashamed. And then after we finished... Which I finished one minute into the meal, maybe. It was jaw-dropping. Yeah. I have a problem with foods that fall apart. Like tacos and sandwiches.

You know, like when the structural integrity gets a little shady, I just like wrap it up. You know what I mean? I'm just like, I do like three bites and then like push the dough in. Like, You know, and I just fucking... I just grapefruit it.

And I did that to like five tacos in a row. And before I'm able to get full like mentally, I'm like, You guys want anything else? Can I have the Doughboy's credit card, please? Yeah. I felt like a little kid on vacation. Oh, the Doughboy's credit card, please.

You're so full of shit. You were like, Doughboy's buying. I'm going up around two. And I gave you the card. I got 15 Topo Chico's to go. And I had a... To speak of the drinks,

I had that canned lemonade that was fucking great. I think it's an Austin... You guys... What is it? I think so. What? One guy's going... One guy up here saying something.

That's a word. And then someone back there is going, Horrible. I think it's Waterloo. Nick, you took a picture of it, but it's too late now. Who cares? It was great.

I think it was an Austin... It was like in a loose can. You got a room temp salad and... I did. And beans, too. I got an Airstream salad, which was just, you know, some lettuce, some avocados,

some pico de gallo, and some cheese. And I think that this was like a huge salad. It was gigantic. You thought you were getting like a little side salad. I thought it was a little side salad. This was an entree salad.

It was huge. There was an asshole in there. I really did. You did. Yeah. You did for sure. This was the healthy option for someone who was a taco skeptic.

But the... Yeah, the spar is stressing, and it wasn't tossed in. I mean, if you're going to give me a salad to stay in a big bowl, in a big, like, ceramic bowl, like, toss it for me. Don't make me do my own tossing.

But anyway... Hey. Let's not turn this into a double entendre. You guys know Nick can toss his own salad. Come on. Give me a bite of that hot salad. Oh, that's one. Okay.

Hot salad makes more sense now. Let's not turn this into a euphemism for eating my own ass. It's already... It's already bad enough. So the bonus tacos we got, we got the fried... And the refried black beans I got were fine.

The fried avocado and the tipsy chick. What did you guys think of those bonus tacos? I thought they were both nice bites. They just took a bite of each. Yeah. The fried avocado was something special. That was something like I haven't had before. Yeah, I like that.

I like that a lot. It's pretty fucking awesome. Nice to have a good vegetarian option at one of these chains, too. Oh, and it's nice that it's, like, an unhealthy vegetarian option. Right, right, right. You know, it's a nice...

For me, that's the vegetarian option I'm gonna try. In college, I, like, did... In the early 2000s, I was like, I could probably be vegetarian. And for one week, I ate grilled cheese and french fries at every meal.

And I was like, being a vegetarian is nothing. And I had, like, acne and shit. And I was like... I was like, oh, I thought these guys were healthy. Like, my fucking heart hurts and I get dizzy on the toilet.

Like, oh, vegetarian doesn't mean avoiding meats. It means eating vegetables. And then I thought the tipsy chick was something interesting. Is anyone here a fan of the tipsy chick? Yeah, it's like a fucking corn salad and chicken

on a tortilla with, like, bourbon, marmalade, chipotle dipping sauce. Yeah, that sauce is crazy. Yeah, it's like a spicy and sweet jam. It looked like there was, like, bones in that sauce. It was strange. I had brought those. I put bones in it.

If you notice, I put bones in it. I bring bones and I put them in everything. I have all these extra bones lying around my ass. Chicken wings, hopefully? I hope. Some of them look like metatarsals. Let's get to our final thoughts on torches.

Wait, real quick. Like Fred Durst, we did eat that entire meal, but in the end, we were doing it for the little nookies. Oh, yes, the little nookies. I did it all for the what? Little nookies.

And you could shove them up your mouth. Those things were fantastic. Yeah, these are, like, deep-fried chocolate chip cookie dough bites. And I thought they were, I thought it was really, I mean, it's super sweet. It's very sweet. When we asked, when we were like,

I guess we'll get a little nookies. The guy's like, you want three or 13? Yeah. And we're three people. And I'm like, is there anything in between? And he's like, you can get two threes. And I was like, oh, yeah, that makes complete sense. Right.

Why? It's so... Hey, it's three or 13, bro. Sorry. And you guys are like, you guys are like, look at... Now Long Island guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we, but we got the three, and I think that's about, if you've got, like, one per person is about all you need. I mean, they're just so aggressively sweet and dense that I feel like if I had all of those myself, it would have just been overwhelming. Yeah.

But really, but very tasty. Very good. And just like, just kind of like that, the Pizuki kind of texture, where it's like, it's like, what did you say? What was that reaction? She said no.

She said no? Yo, of course, if you guys disagree with anything we say up here, you're feel free to share that opinion loudly to us. I thought it was very similar to the Pizuki or the Pizuki, however you say it. I'm gonna go, I'm singing with Pizuki. Pizuki.

Pizuki. Pizuki. It reminded me of, if I could be the resident Ginzo on the dais, it reminded me of the San Gennaro Festival when you would get, like, fried Oreos or fried Twix. Oh, my God. Right, it's like kind of melting inside.

Yeah, inside it's like falling apart and outside is holding it together. Right, right. Is that what you, did you run around at this festival as a boy? No, it's in Little Italy, and we would go every year and get a sausage,

get a sausage and pepper hero and a fucking fried Oreo, bro. Jesus Christ. Living the dream. That's why they call me Big Italy. Big Italy would have been your character on Soprano. Great. So let's get to our final thoughts on torches.

We'll go around, we'll sort of give our closing argument and then a fork rating from zero to five. Gabriel, as your guest, you can start us off. As I previously stated and I'd like to reiterate, two things I look forward to

in chain restaurants, most of all, is quantity and variety. And at a place like torches, you can have four tacos and it not be considered disgusting. You know what I mean? Like, I like small,

like, it would be... Some people are disagreeing. Well, then you don't want to know that I had six tacos, queso and nookies. But like, it's a place where you can have, like, I could try four tacos. Like, Nick was talking about,

like, the burrito seemed appealing and I was like, getting a burrito feels like you can't get four burritos. I mean, I can. The layman can't have four burritos. But so I was excited. I love a place where it doesn't cost you

an arm and a leg to try four dishes. And especially when they go all over the map, like torches. And if you're a place that does bomb melted cheese, like, you're in my fucking, you know, I'm jerking off to you every night in the Airbnb.

I'm putting the air conditioner down to 50, putting the fucking CVS bag over my head and cranking down. It's the only way I can get off anymore. I need a long receipt around my neck. Quick question. This morning when I slipped, did I slip on your ice-com?

You thought we had funfetti spread out all over the floor. But that was my ice-com. It's a good dessert-com. What am I talking about? Well, let's get to the ratings. You ate five wheat, sweetest fish. Right.

Two big bourbons. Where's fucking Daisy Confused with a third, dude? Yeah, dude. I gotta, this guy's gonna be like, you owe me 40 bucks. Hey, man, I sort of laid out for you and I'm kind of jammed up with rent coming up.

Like, shit, I'm sorry, dude. I didn't mean to. I don't want to put anybody out. No, I'm okay for now. Thank you, bud. I'm gonna go with, I'm gonna go with four forks. Four forks, very solid review.

Go ahead, screw them. I would just, and I think I should probably justify why it's not five. To me, there was a couple of things that I was very excited to eat and I felt like we're misses. And I was high as fuck, so I really should have liked everything.

Yeah. That inhaler works. Have you not been high as fuck on this trip so far or no? No. No, okay. No, I'm not high as fuck before the show, but I did just eat sweetest fish,

so I'll be high as fuck after. I think they're called rasta, they're called rasta fish at the dispensary. Shouldn't they be called weedish fish? Yes. It's a better pun. I've never been more on your side ever, that's... Well, it says a lot about all the other times we agree.

Nick, do you want me to go? Go ahead, screw man. Okay. I'm known to be afraid of the devil. A cool thing to be known for as an adult. You live in fear of a red man who lives beneath the earth in a lake of fire,

has pointy ears on his head, and carries around a pitchfork that's going to poke you in the butt. So you think... All because a pedophile told you about him 25 years ago. Karnala was at my confirmation. Micas was there. Micas is like, hey! Shut the fuck up, man.

Micas spotlight is in the house from... I don't want to tell him what you do for a living, Micas. That sounds weird, sorry. He's a lawyer, and he's a defense lawyer for pedophiles. Sorry, Mike. He said it. That's what I felt okay saying.

That was him? Jesus Christ. Oh my God. I thought we were going to have to edit out that I could suck my own dick stuff. That's getting in and out. Anyways... Micas, that way you had his business card in your wallet?

Yes, I have one of my best friend's business cards in my pocket. No, I text him for advice. Anyways... Hacky, hacky as shit. I'm sorry. I just stopped myself from saying five things. I was like, nope, nope, nope. The crowd barely likes you.

Chill, chill, chill. Gavress, is that your first recorded use of restraint? What the hell? Do you eat one of these Swedish fish? Where's this coming from? Gavress got high enough that he has self-control now. I'm all of a sudden thinking about what I'm going to say before I say it.

It's like, why don't you let Mike say how many forks rather than screaming more pedophilia later? So as a man afraid of the devil, I should look at the... the... Nick, I should look at... I should look at the entrance to torches. I should run the other way. Right. Because there is a red devil,

and he's got a pitchfork. And they draw him to be so scary. He is cute. He is a cute devil. There's like 40 children, like, you know, and there's one grown, grown-esque man, grown-squared, terrified of the fucking painting of the devil on the wall. Can't believe we're friends. Hey, we're friends, honestly.

I can't believe I said that on a pumpkin. And Mike is going to fucking call me as a character witness. Um... But I'm not going to run away from torches, because torches is great. Torches... Someone said to us that it's the best case so you can get from a fast food or chain restaurant.

And I agree with it. It is. It's the best case so you can get those... I like... If I went back, I would get flour or tortillas. And there was a couple... I feel like the Democrat in the one that was the first kid. The Republican was particularly bad, right? The Crossroads. The Crossroads and the Democrat, though, I liked. But they were a little dry.

I wish there was something to kind of goop them up a little bit. I believe they say the Republican is well-liked outside of Austin. But in Austin, we don't like Republicans. But I started thinking about this, Nick. Look, I love Paquito Mas, but there isn't a place... A taco place like this that's like a chain that's just good in Los Angeles, really. As a chain, I mean...

I think Quisados comes close. Quisados. But as like a Tex-Mex place. This is a different style. Something like what Quisados is offering is... They're going for something different than what you're getting out here. But this specific thing is not offered in LA. Torches is great. Maybe it's a little played out.

This is a hip city. It's cool. Things go out of style quickly, but I think torches is in style. It's a half-force. I love it. It's on you, Nick. I'll condense my remarks because we're up against the clock. Very, very good food here. Possibly be my fault.

I really enjoyed... Your suffer shows were 13 minutes. I really enjoyed the majority of what I ate here. The queso, as I mentioned, is just starting off with that. I mean, it's just so great. The chips in particular, the chips hold up to the queso really, really well. I thought it was just like... Homemade, bitch!

Homemade, bitch? Okay, thank you. Thank you for chiming in. The best news would be that that guy doesn't work at torches. Just has complete fuck. He does? Okay. Well, I'm not actually asking you guys. Yeah, I really...

And the majority of what I ate, the majority of the tacos, I thought were really good. You know, they say torches is damn good, but I'm gonna borrow something from the heat that's an element of their branding. Torches is straight fire. Wow. Well, at least we know when words go out of the vernacular. That's a... I just checked. That's just been deleted from Urban Dictionary.

An email went out to every rapper and they were like, Yeah, we lost it. Welcome to the Golden Plate Club, torches. Four forks. Wow. Well deserved. Well deserved. All right, we got a little bit of time remaining. It's time for a regular segment.

We got a beverage. We're gonna decide if you should pour it down your throat. It's Drank or Stank. And for this one, we want to get an audience volunteer. Someone out there who wants to come up to the show. Someone up there. I saw a hand right up there. I think three rows back that shot up right away.

Yeah, yeah. Come on up. Come over here. This woman's guy who's here with her was like, Me? She's standing up with two arms. He's sitting. We point to her and he goes,

Got it. I think it must mean me, sweetheart. Stand me up on the stage. Go ahead and have a seat over there. What's your name? Maeve. Sorry, one more time. Maeve.

Maeve, give Maeve a hand, everyone. Nice to meet you, Maeve. Nice to meet you. Thank you for doing it. So you guys talk for a second. Let me get these brew docks distributed. We got some local Austin beers. We're gonna taste each of these.

I already had one of these, but you guys may be familiar with the Austin beer works around here. Oh, wow. Big pop of Maeve. Is that an Irish name? It really is. Yes.

I thought so. Wow. That's almost flirting, Mitch. Good work. Is that name Irish? She says yes. You turned to me and go, I thought so.

Baller status. She came with a date. We don't know. She came with a guy. It's 2017. What's that mean? I mean, anyone could be friends. All right.

Oh, snap. Oh, man, there was beer sin back there. Now we can smash three beers. I've already had to pee for an hour. Nick, I should have helped you as well. We don't have to drink all of these, but we'll take taste of each one. So we've got the peacemaker,

which is an anytime ale. We've got the pearl snap, which is a German style pilsner that I've already drank. And we've also got the fire eagle, which is the American IPA. Wow. I like hearing the allegiance.

Because pearl, I've had a few of these and pearl snap has been my favorite for a while down here. Right. And I learned today what pearl snap is in reference to. It's like the cowboy shirts

with the little pearl buttons. Yeah, like Western wear. The dudes in the front row were tearing open their shirts to demonstrate that to us. Maeve, are you from Austin? Do we discuss this with Mitch? Where are you from?

Whoa, boy. Come on, guys. Oh, no one's allowed to move to your city. Keep Austin weird and close the borders. Sounds like a cool place, guys. No one move here.

Where are you from regularly? It's so unfair. I almost don't want to even tell this crowd where I'm from. Oh, boy. They won't be too hostile. Are you from Dallas? No.

Ew, Boo Dallas. Dallas sucks. Houston sucks. Austin rocks. Oh, shit. Our tour is going to be shitty for the next couple of days. I live in New Braunfels, Texas.

Okay. Which is great. You guys booed someone from New Braunfels? A place from a children's storybook? Her name was Maeve and she was raised on Drave Street in New Braunfels.

However, I feel really obligated to tell you all that I'm originally from Southern California. Whoa. Hey, all right. Wait, let's soak out. What?

Why is that a boo? Come on. Why is that a boo? Everyone is moving here. Everyone is moving here. Everyone from Southern California. Wow. Yeah.

Hey, I've lived here 10 years. I've lived here, yeah. Hey, a decade. Oh, come on. Take it easy. Oh, my God. The people who are young are going to be friends.

You're so mean. You're so mean. Jesus. Guys, by the way, it's a positive thing if people want to move to your town. Right. I get that there's...

I love it here. Guys, I've lived in fucking New York City and Los Angeles. People want to move to those cities as well. You're not... What's that? I just want to take this moment to say I really appreciate you

and your podcast. All right, come on, asshole. Is that one of your Long Island fucking friends? Yeah. No, no one from Long Island would move to Austin. Despite what they all say. Let's go off to this geographic partisanship.

What is your feeling about beers, Maeve? I hate them. That would really get me kicked off the stage. No, I love beers. I'm very excited to taste more beers. Well, let's start having some sips of these. I've already had a sip of this Fire Eagle American IPA.

I guess I'm starting with dark and working my way up or starting with ones that are a little hoppier with a little bit more alcohol. You know, I will say that there was a period when I liked IPAs a lot and I'm kind of overwhelmed by them. Like, I'm just kind of like over them

because I've had so many at this point. Natalie's more of a hop seeker than I am. She doesn't drink much beer, but in any event, this is a good execution. This is a good IPA. What do you guys think? It's funny to call something an American IPA since the I stands for India.

So it's an American India pale ale. But it's fucking yummy. Mm-hmm. But I don't know, can you just call it an APA? Whoa. I'm gonna get booed. Yeah, suck the energy out of the room with some logic.

I guess I'll just keep screaming about where to live. I'm gonna get some booze right now. I don't love IPAs. Oh, all right. More support than I thought. I used to for a while, but now I've moved away from it. Like, the only IPAs I can really drink

are like session IPAs, like the not super hoppy fucking headache beers. Maeve, what do you think of that? Well, call me a pussy fine. It's a very strong muscle. And as a matter of fact, a dick is a weakness and a pussy is a very strong, powerful muscle. Maeve, what do you think of that American IPA, that fire eagle?

I really enjoy it. I traditionally don't really like IPAs, but right, it tastes very good, and I like the strong taste of it. I kind of want to move on to the other one, though. Yeah, hey, it's good to you. Right, please do. Let's do it.

We're talking about the fire eagle, right? Yeah. It's the strongest of the bunch for me. It is the strongest. Yeah, it's a little too strong. You know what? I'm kind of like Goldilocks in this situation, and that will make sense in a moment.

Wait, hold on, hold on. In the Goldilocks in the Three Bears Tale, you're putting yourself as Goldilocks? God help us when we see the bears. It was less strong, it was too strong, and it was just right. That's what I'm saying. Nick, which one do you want to talk about next?

Yeah, let's move on to this peacemaker. This is the Anytime Ale. This is the one in the white can. It's kind of in the middle. Definitely like a lot less bite to this, a lot less hop to it. Maeve, what do you think of this one? I definitely like this one.

Easy drinking. I would drink this all the time. Yeah, this is like a good boat beer, or beach beer, or whatever you want to call it. It's very easy to drink. I can imagine smashing a few of these. Yeah, we get it. Jesus Christ.

People are getting fucking wound up. Goldymitch took a sip of the peacemaker, and he thought that it was too weak. That was the most uncomfortable I've been in a long time. I've never seen something so uncute try to be cute. It was terrifying. It was like Slender Man doing a voice.

Also, I think Goldymitch is responsible for three broken chairs and three broken beds. Gavress, what do you think of this peacemaker? The peacemaker is at the light. Yeah, that's like the beachy kind of beer. I'm very smashable. Right. I can have a bunch of these and still drive.

Alcohol content doesn't matter. The pearl snap, which is the German style Pilsner, I've already drank in a full one of these bad boys while I was up here earlier. Yeah, I mean, this is my personal favorite. As I've gotten older, I've grown to like really like loggers and Pilsners, just these lighter loggers versus ales.

And I think this one's really smooth drinking. It's got a lot of flavor to it. I don't know, Maeve, what do you think of this one? I'm going to go ahead and cut it in front of all of y'all. This is my favorite. Please do. It's fucking delicious. Hell yeah.

It's so good. Really good. This is the one I would drink out of all three of these forever. And then Goldymitch took a sip of the pearl snap and he thought it was just right. And Goldymitch climbed into bed and his big hairy balls hung out the bottom of his little girl's dress. He saw it from behind and it looked like a dirty beehive.

I'm not even positive what that means. I get it. It's a beehive with dirt on it. I know what dirty beehive means. I mean, in the nature of the simile. Gabe, are there any thoughts on the pearl snap? Yeah, I dig it. Pearl snap is what I drink if I'm having, you know,

between four and nine beers. Fire eagle is what I drink. What is this drink scale? What is it rank on your driving scale? I'd Uber if I started getting into the pearl snaps. Thank God I don't have to use that fashion app anymore here. Yeah. Sorry, I know that's like, yeah, boo is right.

I really like the flavor of the pearl snap. I've never had the, I've had the fire eagle and pearl snap before today a few times. I've never had the peacemaker previously and I'm really enjoying like how easy that is to drink. Right. Yeah, it's really easy drinking. But the pearl snap is flavorful.

All right, ladies. Yeah. Holy crap. Anytime, anytime. She sounds like someone started real early this morning, AKA anytime. That's like a cryptic prophecy that's said by a soothsayer. Yeah.

This crazed woman is yelling out anytime. She's going to come up to Midge after the show and go finna and touch his face. His doctor's going to go, yeah. I live till I'm like 93. Personal faves. I'm going pearl snap, Gabriel. I was formerly a pearl snap guy,

but now that I've just finished a peacemaker, I got to think I got it. Hey, it's 2017. Things are getting a little hot. I think Gabriel needs to become a little bit of a peacemaker. You're not a peacemaker. My favorite is the pearl snap, favorite of the three. Maeve, what about yourself?

Hands down, pearl snap for sure. Yeah, these are wonderful. You know what I'll say? All of them get drinks. Yeah, these are definitely drinks. No stanks in the bunch. No stanks in the bunch. Big hand for Maeve, everyone.

Thank you so much. You can carry cake to your friends if you want. Thank you. Yeah, take all this. That's your door prize. If you want to recall it, too, you can grab a recall. We take some of our empties, too. All right, we've got a small amount of time left.

We'll take just a few audience questions. There's this mic in the front row. If anyone wants to rush up to it, just go ahead and just rush up to it as fast as you can. Kind of claw at each other. Yeah, this guy, what the fuck isn't that bad? Oh, boy. It's Laszlo from Real Genius.

Yeah, what's your name, sir? You're wearing a grizzly bear t-shirt? Yeah. Hi, Wesley. Weston. Weston, I'm sorry. I apologize. Cool, Weston, you brought us a bottle of piss?

Yes. It's a hopeful future drinker stink. Oh, boy, okay. Oh, okay, cool. Awesome, thanks. Oh, and it's in a plastic bag, so you know it's not terrifying. Do you have a question, Weston? Great, thanks.

Do you have a question, Weston? So I have a question for Nick and a question for Mitch as well. All right. Yeah, I'll sit this one out. Nick, I was just curious, how many inches of your dick can you suck? All right, come on. Good question, honestly. You should see mine and Mitch's face when you pluralize the inch.

Look. And, too, can you finish in... I don't want to turn this into fuck boys. Fuck boys. The podcast about... How many times have you finished? Look, hold on. I want to turn this into some sort of self-suck pod.

The information's out there. If you could just get the head, like, that's... Yeah, okay, look. I'm not going all the way to the base. Let's just say that much. But, yeah, I think that addresses your question as much detail as I'm willing to give at this point. Thank you, Weston. Someone else.

Here's your next question. Weston, get off the mic, bro. I'll be quick. We got someone with an anime shirt right after you. Okay. I was an early adopter of Mitch.Pete. Oh, sorry, you had a question. That's right.

And I've asked you this... You've answered a few of my questions through... So let's get a fifth one going. I've asked this question multiple times through the texting. Yeah, probably going to take this question. But I... So you're always talking about never having anyone to date. And every time you've had Nicole Byer on the show,

I thought you all had a really great chemistry. And I've asked multiple times, why don't you go on a date with Nicole Byer? You never answered. And so I'm putting you on the spot. Why don't you make that happen? Say, Mitch, you don't like fat girls. No, that's not true.

Jesus Christ. Jesus. God. The only reason that's okay is because Nicole is okay with that. But Nicole and I were on a team together. I love Nicole. But we were on a team together. Hey, you know what?

Maybe we'll go on a date and maybe we'll record it. Record it so it's genuine. That sounds like a real date. You're recording it for your podcast. Thank you. Thank you for the question. Thanks, Weston. Thanks for the drink.

I love Nicole. She's great. All right. The question... You're wearing a Doughboyz anime shirt. Go ahead and tell us your name. I'm Jason. Hi, Jason.

What's your question? My question is, I know you're afraid of the devil, but if you were both in hell and tasked with torturing each other, which food would you choose to torture the other person? Ooh, I like this. Hmm. I think that for you, Nick... Yeah.

I mean, the obvious answer is you like hot salad. So, and all salads in hell are hot is the issue. You can't get a cold salad. I think when Nick was, like, very bored and he went down to do a self-suck, he'd open up his pants and he'd find a french fry. Your least favorite food, fries. I like fries.

That's great. I'd love it. That's great. That would be a great release. You want a fried dick? No, from the torment of hell. I would love to have fries because I genuinely enjoy fries. So, if you want to give that to me to torture me, that's great.

I love it. I welcome it. Thank you. What would you do for me? If I want to torture you, I know your favorite food is pizza. So, in an ironic twist, I would give you pizza, Mitch.

All the pizza you could eat. But I would top it with some truly wretched concoctions. I would put some bats on there. Bats? I would put... I know you don't like fruit and savory, so I'd go ahead and throw on some nectarines. No!

I would give Mitch a beverage that had under 30 grams of sugar in it. It seemed like it choked down something that might keep him alive. Instead of like, I've got to have a lemonade here. I've had a couple of lemonade on the trip so far. Nick, are you okay?

I'm doing fine. We were talking before if you were going to die like a weasel in Roger Rabbit. Yeah. From laughing, it's going to make you laugh so hard that you died. And it's almost came true. If you don't know what I would do,

I would eliminate Del Taco. No Del Taco. Oh, that's brutal. That's brutal. All right, we got time for just a couple more questions. If you think you have a good one, if you think you have a good query for it, in the back there,

you know what, we'll take the gentleman who buys some drinks for favorites. You answer first, and then we'll go to the guy in the back. Okay. All right, a lot of pressure. The don't boys seamlessly can't be bought. You guys say that a lot on your podcast.

So how do you guys respond to the allegations that you guys have been bought? Because you always say that Wendy's sandwiches are better than Valet and other chicken sandwiches. It is true. It is true. Some people are yelling,

that's true. But people are so mad at us about Chick-fil-A more than anywhere else. Did you have more to your question? I'm sorry? No, that was, I just wanted to know how you responded to the allegations. Yeah, I mean, like,

here's the thing, because we just did this Austin beer works thing. First of all, if the don't boys can't be bought, I will confirm that. But we just got, we just did this Austin beer works thing. And if you were a new listener,

you might think like, oh, that's like branded content. But no, we don't get any money from these fucking guys. We don't know. We should. We should find opportunities for these sort of integrations. They won't pay us.

But we just had these beers and we're like, oh, these are good. And they were like, oh, this is kind of a boring segment because we're just saying, yes, we like this good, these good drinks. Nick emailed Red Lobster

and we're like, we want to do a podcast there. They're like, oh, who cares? Yeah, it was a big pain in the ass. It was like 18 emails to Red Lobster corporate to do the fucking shrimp off

with Hollywood Handbook. It was such a pain in the ass to produce that. Thank you. Those guys were great. But it was, and you know, the Red Lobster was very accommodating,

but it was just so much work. And also too, they weren't like, we did a whole month of Red Lobster themed programming last year and they weren't even willing to be like, okay, we'll just like do this for you.

We still had to pay for the fucking meal. Yeah. They couldn't even buy you unlimited shrimp, which is like $13.99. Right, right, right. They can't even give you

a few shrimp on the arm. What the fuck is this place? But I would say like if the dope boys could be bought, we would have a lot more money because we are just, I would say are an aptitude at like producing

and running this podcast is evidence that we can't be bought. Considering, you know... Are you saying you can't be bought but you would be bought if the opportunity arose? No, the dope boys can't be bought. I'm saying that, yes.

I'm saying the dope boys can't be bought. I'm saying this is my personal moral code, but I'm saying if we had been bought, the evidence would present itself by us living a more lucrative lifestyle. Thank you so much for your question. One more question from, I believe you bought the drinks

for our buddy Gabriel. Yeah, he deserves a question. He got it liquored up and mean. Isn't his name hermenecee or what I remember? What's your name? My name is B Strange. B Strange.

B Strange. Okay, sure. Is that a common Austin name? Oh, he looked at me like he was going to kill me. Nah, I honestly think that's his look. B Strange, speak into the mic. Tell us your question.

Alright. Tilt it like up towards your face. Yeah, you got to look into the center of your chest. Yeah, we're doing it there. Tell them how to do that. There we go. Like this? Yeah.

Yeah. And of course, take all the time you want. What is your favorite dinosaur? Favorite dinosaur. Good question. That is a good question. Herbivore or carnivore? I like, I'm a herbivore.

My favorite is the Brontosaurus. So that's a good question. That's a good answer. Wait, no, I know a lot of people say it doesn't exist anymore, right? It doesn't. Oh, shut up. One guy is like, it doesn't.

It's fucking, how do you know it definitely doesn't exist? No one said shit when Mitch was ranting on and on about the devil. Mitch brings up Brontosaurus and one dude goes, that's fake. I'm going to say this. Whatever the equivalent to the Brontosaurus

is, which I will still call the Brontosaurus. A Brachiosaurus, if you will. Sure, Brach, no, but I don't like that as much. I like the Brontosaurus. Alright. Anyways. From the carnivores. Brontosaurus is my favorite because it's big,

but he seems like a nice dino. Yeah, you got a favorite carnivore? Yeah. Do you know my favorite carnivore? Yeah. The Dilophosaurus. Dilophosaurus? That's the Spitter, right?

Yeah, the Spitter. Oh, that's real cool. That's real cool. Yeah. My favorite dino... What about the Stegosaurus? Oh, you were going to keep talking? Or do you want to hear the rest of the answers?

It's up to you to be weird or whatever your name is. Be strange. Be strange. This guy bought me whiskey. I should chill. But he did put me in this current state. So, you know, take the ride, brother. You didn't answer me.

My favorite herbivore is the Ankleosaurus, the little crocodile one with the clotel. Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah. And then my favorite carnivore... Ooh, that's a tough one. That's a... I'm not sure.

You know, I was always a big herbivore growing up like, who's talking like this? I'm going to have to go with the classic. I'm going to have to go with the Velociraptor. Velociraptor is a very good answer. I like teamwork. Yes. Be strange.

Thank you very much for the question. What was your answer? Here's my answer. Herbivore triceratops. Got three horns. Oh, fuck yeah. Fuck yes. My carnivore...

Oh, I got a good choice. He eats goombas and koopas and shy guys and turns them into eggs. Yeah! Our buddy, Yoshi! Yoshi! Yoshi! Be strange.

Thank you for your question. Guys, thank you so much. That's it for this episode. John Gabriel! Thank you! Our producer, Dustin Marshall! Big thanks to the North Thor! Until next time for the Spoonman, Mike Mitchell,

I'm Nick Weigher. Happy eating! See ya! Thanks, everybody!