Doughboys - Minisode: The 2016 Doughlympic Opening Ceremonies hosted by Joe Saunders

Episode Date: August 3, 2016

Mitch, Wiger, and friend of the podcast/International Doughlympic Committee Chairman Evan Susser are joined by host Joe Saunders to preview the 2016 Doughlympic Susser Games, and to officially kick off the competition.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Gold, silver, bronze. They're medals, but every two years they become something else. They become medals. The medal is awarded to the winners of the Olympic Games, the greatest athletic competition in human history. When it was first founded in ancient Greece, athletes from across the Athenian countryside gathered to compete for the glory of Zeus. Centuries later Zeus is gone, but the tradition continues. Today, thousands of athletes from nations all over the globe compete in hundreds of events as billions of fans watch from home. For these athletes, years of hard work, dedication, and sacrifice have led to one moment, where they will experience the triumph of victory or the despair of defeat. We never know quite

what the games have in store, but two things are always for sure. History will be made, and the world, even in uncertain times such as these, will come together. Yes, those are the Olympic Games. And then, there's why we're here today. The Doughlympics. Hello. My name is Joe Saunders, and I will be your host for tonight's coverage of the opening ceremony of the 2016 Doughlympics Susser Games. I can only assume I was the fourth or fifth person asked to do this, and just the only one who said yes. I'm here now with the host of the Doughboys podcast, Nick Weiger and Mike Mitchell, and friend of the podcast, Evan Susser. Nick Mitch. Nick, Mitch, Evan, welcome. Joe, you are our first choice, and we

were thrilled when you said yes, because we're happy to have you. You are our first choice, because we knew you were the only guy who would say yes. That was beautiful, Joe. It's exactly everything that I ever dreamed of for the Doughlympics Susser Games. I don't know about you guys. Great delivery, Joe. Sounded like a man who was afraid of me. I want to point out also, too, that Joe, you are wearing a sport coat, despite this being a not-on-camera event. Well, you know, I know Doughboys has a history of people dressing up for these events. Right. Just Susser. And I just wanted, well, you know, and so I wanted to continue that tradition. Maddie wore a referee costume. That's true. That's true. So, Maddie, so, I mean, he was a part of your gag.

Also, I've noticed that you kind of got, you got a laid-back Olympic look going on, Susser, huh? I think that's what the Doughlympics are all about. They're, you know, relaxing. They're time for everyone to come together to loosen up a little bit. Yeah, the Olympics are no place to be ceremonious or flashy. Okay. This definitely should be as half-assed as possible. And also, befitting your status in this event, Susser, you are not just friend of the podcast. You are International Doughlympics Committee Chairman, and that will be your title throughout the proceedings. Yes, it's a great honor. You know, a few people have been tweeting at me, calling me the Commissioner of the Doughlympics. And while I appreciate that, it's actually incorrect. I'm the chairman of the

Doughlympic Committee, which is an honor just as big. In fact, some are saying bigger. Some are saying bigger. What does that title come with? Well, you know, just like the Olympic Committee Chairman, I don't make all of the decisions for the Doughlympics. I just try and, you know, bring everyone together to a place of compromise and fair competition. So I'm not the only voice. I'm just maybe a leading voice in this great event. Well, I guess let's get into talking about the great event thing. You know, Joe, before we get into that, Joe had absolutely nothing to say. Before we get into that, it's hard to know where this is all going. For us, too. I want to let everyone know that concurrent with this, as part of the opening ceremonies, our intern you song,

who you may know, is currently shuttling the Doughlympics hot sauce torch to the studio. He is making a ceremonial pilgrimage from the site of the first Doughboys meal, which was the Chili's in Encino, California. The estimated drive time on the 101 freeway as of the start of this podcast was 25 minutes. And when he arrives, the games will officially begin. So as the clock is going now, unless I started my timer just a second late, which I might have, it seems like we he should be here in approximately 21 minutes. You song. The intern who works here, great guy, terrific guy, goes to Cornell, inarguably, more intelligent than everyone in this room, right, has to take a bottle of hot sauce from the first Chili's restaurant we went to down to the studio. Correct.

It just seems cruel. And I feel like he shouldn't have to do something terrible like that. I would use his demeaning, perhaps. Yeah, it's definitely definitely one of the things that he is well above. And I'm sure when he writes his memoir, when he's more successful than all of us later in life, this will be one of the memories he recounts. You song, when you get here, I got to find out that if you want to go into this business, because you should, you should take that hot sauce bottle and keep driving, my friend, get the hell out of this fucking city, get away from this podcast. I hope when he's older and he is successful and writes a memoir, he spends an extended amount of time talking about his college internship. All right, Joe. So, and also too,

speaking of you and speaking of your presence. Joe's hosting this. I'm hosting it. Yes. Joe's hosting this, but I have a little bit of information to dispense. I've shifted into a role that I'm comfortable with. Joe does not know as much about what's going on as we do. That is by design. That was unfair to him. So I am just giving a little bit of information to steer the ship. Let's hear the info. I'm sorry. I'll hand the wheel back to Joe in one second. But I want to explain why Joe is here. Joe is here because not only is he hosting the special, and he is hosting, by the way, he will be hosting the after shows, which will be a special event we are having for the Olympics, for the duration after every episode. The coming up afterwards, shortly

released afterwards, will be an after show featuring an interview with somebody from the reflecting on that previous episode's event. Like the real world road rules, the challenge. Yes. Yes. We have a little after show. Yeah. That's great. Or I guess like the Olympics. Like the Olympics. Costas. Yeah, that's the more close parallel. We were like the actual Olympics, not like the fake MTV show. Joe's going to wrap it up with us. Okay. Yeah. I've been setting a lot of Bob Costas clips on YouTube. I'm looking at how he kind of talks to the athletes from the real Olympics, and I've taken a few cues from that, and I'm ready to do it. I think this is going to be an exciting thing. Bob Costas usually comes off as terrified, right? I'd prefer if we could dispel

with the phrase real Olympics and start using the phrase either other Olympics or sports Olympics. Also, like every time we say the word Olympics, we are in danger of being sued by the very litigious International Olympics Committee. You know what? I think this is something they actually still would not care about. We are so under the radar that even they are like not worth their time. Joe, I'm sure you have a lot of questions for us. Perhaps maybe... Hey, Wagner, one last question. Yes. Are you going to explain to Yu Song's family when he gets into a fatal car wreck on the way to the studio that he was doing it for the Olympic Games? I am honestly like that was a legitimate fear of mine that I cannot... How wracked with guilt I

would be if Yu Song were to endure a fatal car accident in the midst of this very stupid and wholly unnecessary bit. But I think he's going to make it safe and sound. Yeah, I think he's going to be okay. Let's just say that if you're listening to this episode, Yu Song has not died in a fiery car crash because for us to release it in the aftermath of that would be an extremely poor taste. That's a good point. And probably an insult to his surviving relatives. Yu Song would agree with us the show must go on. Yeah, the Doughboys were horrible things out and are never hers. I'm going to fuck you, Joe. Go ahead, take it away, buddy. I kind of feel like Mike Pence right now. Okay, anyway, guys, welcome to the show. I'm excited to be here and excited to start talking about the Dough.

Oh my God. Jesus Christ. So let's just kind of get into it. I know what was texted to me by Nick about the Dough Olympics and kind of three text messages five days ago. But so that was pretty general and I don't know if I understood it. Does somebody else want to try explaining what the Dough Olympics is? Cesar, this is your baby. You want to go ahead? Sure. Well, the Dough Olympics captures the spirit of competition. And what we're doing with each episode is we're hate the tone he's speaking. They're divisions, they're events like, you know, in the other Olympics, there will be water sports and there will be skiing and those kind of events. So we're, you know, picking categories like pizza

category or bar and grill category. And within those categories, and this is where it gets really exciting, you have multiple events. So for the first for the first episode, we're actually going to have a pizza themed night of events. And I don't want to give too much away, but you're going to see different categories that you could have, you know, foods you could order right at pizza restaurants going up against each other right for gold, silver and bronze metals. Yes. Similar to, you know, how like in the category of swimming, you'll have your 100 meter freestyle, you have your 200 meter backstroke, you'll have your 800 meter meter relay. You know, you we've got all these different sort of events that all fall into that same umbrella. It's the

same sort of approach we're taking to different categories of chain restaurant food. So we're basically doing the same thing we always do. Well, no, it's a different framing for it. We're not just evaluating one place. We're comparing three different places against each other. Okay. Sounds similar to what we do. It is similar to what we do. We have like a thing that we do. That's what the podcast is, but we're coming up with a slightly different way of framing it. I agree with you. That's fair. We should also clarify, there is no international component. Yeah. We thought that maybe there would be, but then ultimately decided that was too much of a pain. So we're not doing that. Do you mean these are all American chains or what? You know it. So it's an all American

Olympics. Well, here's the thing. I would argue that pizza is a global food. These are Italian American chains. The pizza, of course, owes its existence in an American form to Italian immigrants. I also disagree with that. I think that there will be some international component, maybe as a Susser game later on. Oh, sure. There may be a few international surprises. Oh, international surprises. Sure. All right. That's fun. Well, I was going to add, this was actually kind of leading into a question that I had. I'm sure a lot of people listening to this are, you know, we're fans of the Tournament of Chompians. Oh, that's very sweet, I'm going to say. Well, so my question- Wait a minute. Why did Susser take that like a compliment for himself? So my question is,

can we expect sort of a similar situation to the tournament where there seem to be a lot of last minute rule changes? Kind of arbitrary decisions that totally changed the game. Can people be prepared for that sort of thing with the Olympics? You know, I think we learned a lot at the Olympics during the Tournament of Chompians. And I also think, you know, hey, I'm not the commissioner. I'm just the chairman. So I think that this is going to be a much more egalitarian a much more warm feeling competition. Right. And I don't think that it's going to go off the rails in any way. I think it's just going to be smooth sailing from beginning to end. I'm going to say, I agree with what the chairman is saying. And I think this has a much more cohesive plan going

in, although he teased it very coyly. I think that's a showmanship. And I think we have a grand plan for this tournament that is going to occur over these three weeks that is going to feel like something that some thought was put into. I hate that Susser is speaking in the voice that he most definitely pitched Sonic in. Things will, Sonic will stay on the rails the entire movie. You're not talking in your normal voice. Do you want me to respond to that? I would love for you to respond. You know, I think that this is bullshit, Joe. The screen is black. We fade in on the knuckles running through the green hill zone. He's joined by a helicopter. But wait, it's not a helicopter at all. It's tails.

Susser, is that a part of the movie? You know, I'm not at liberty to say. But, you know, Joe, no, I think that Nick is absolutely right. There is much more of a plan going in. In fact, even for tonight for these opening ceremonies, there's been a lot of planning, not just you song running. And actually, in my role as chairman, I'm overseeing the opening ceremony. So I'm going to have to step away for a moment. But then I'll be back as the opening ceremonies continue. Interesting. All right. I think this is, I think Susser has to use the restroom. He's stepping out of the studio. Joe, where else? What else are you curious about? Because, you know, we did put you in a spot where you're coming in here without a lot of

information. What other questions come to mind just hearing this avalanche of info? You're in here. You're wearing this the moment. You're wearing what looks like your dad's jacket. Well, I want to know, so we'll be awarding gold, silver and bronze medals to each of these categories. We'll, but they'll, so we'll have winners of each category. And what are we supposed to, once this is all done, what will we, what will we know? Well, I think we will know the question. I think we will know the superior entrant in each individual category. I think we will say for our first round pizza, I think we will look at the, the chains that we're evaluating and we'll say that there is an individual winner in each category and there also be an overall

winner within that sector. So just like with a gymnastics competition, we're going to see who's best at the vault. We're going to see who's best at the floor exercise. We're going to see who's best at the balance beam. We're going to see who's best at the uneven bars, but then we're also going to see who's going to win the all around medal. And then, and those are all those, you know, there's going to be some overlap there and there's going to be some that win multiple medals. There might be one who just excels in one individual category, but I think we're going to learn a lot about the strengths and weaknesses of the biggest names in the different sectors of the chain restaurant industry. Very interesting. And I'm just getting word that the opening

ceremony performance will begin at any moment. So we should continue talking, but just know you may be interrupted by the opening ceremony. Just like the real Olympics, the opening ceremony cuts off. It occurs in studio. Okay. All right. Oh, my God. Okay. A drum has been brought in. A gentleman is wearing an American flag cape. Max Mayor the Man is here. And he's got a drum with an American flag cape on. This is very exciting. That's beautiful. Tension. Oh Jesus. All right. Do you remember the drum from the China Olympics? Yeah. Kind of what it's like.

Wow. That was incredible. That was great, Max. Thank you. Wow. Beautiful. That was really fantastic. That really set the tone, I think. Was that, hey, Max, was that, was that any song in particular that had any sort of significance or was that just a rhythm of your own creation? It was just, it was improvised for the Olympics. Wow. In the spirit of the podcasting, things are coming up in the moment. Max Mayor created that out of thin air. Max Mayor, very talented, talented drummer. Thank you for joining us, Max. That was cool. I can confidently say that no one's time has been wasted as much as yours. He brought his drum up here. He played us a great tune. He's a talented guy.

Susser, I hope you're giving him $30 at minimum. At minimum. And now his... Well, now it seems I have to. I loved it. You know, it was really cool. It was really good. It was really good. I'm impressed, Susser. That was good. You've done one good thing so far. Very exciting, Mr. Chairman. Thank you. Well, it's just a preview of all that's to come. What did you think, Joe? You know, I know that you're supposed to be asking us the questions, but what did you think? What did you think of the drums you want him to also compliment you again after you just said it was good?

Yeah, what do you think of Susser's sharp new balances? Those are looking pretty good, right? Those are pretty good. Well, are those new? Hey, Joe, what do you think of Susser taking credit for the talented drummer that came in here? I don't know. I'm not sure if I totally understand what your part in that was. Did you, it was your idea or you arranged for Max to come? I, yes, I sent the text message. Oh, fucking Jesus. All right, very good. Congratulations. I'm sure I'm looking forward to more of your exciting text message surprises throughout the Olympics. I think honestly, I think we should keep Max to play the drums for this fucking boring ass pre- and post-show and probably for the

Olympics themselves. Yeah, I think that's been the only listenable part of this 20 minutes so far. Was that impromptu drum solo? Joe, I'm curious, you're taking the mood of the room as you're taking all this in. How do you feel, like, what do you feel will develop among us as these events occur? Like, are you concerned about the overall health of the podcast? Are you concerned about our individual health? Are you concerned about our interpersonal relationships? Well, I have two thoughts. The first thought is, I'm not gonna, I'm gonna be honest and I feel like there's a lot of tension already in the room. I think there's a lot of, kind of, you know, sniping at the chairman. I think, thank you. I think Mitch seems already unhappy with the way

this is going. It hasn't even started yet. So I'm worried about, like, you know, the feelings towards each other becoming more aggravated as this goes along. My second thought is that it sounds like you're going to be eating a lot of food over the next three weeks. Yes, that's a concern. Potentially, it sounds multiple restaurants for each Doughboys as opposed to one restaurant per Doughboys. Yes, and I think that's actually one detail I can fill in that the chairman touched on earlier. So for each episode, there will be three different competitors in the same sector, three different restaurants. And you know what, Susser, I don't, I don't know if you want to, if we want to tip it at this point. Yeah, I think that let's leave a little bit. You want to leave

a little bit of mystery of what the restaurants are going to be? Just a little. Okay, just so we won't say we'll say it. How did you become in charge of our podcast? I don't get it. I don't know what the fuck happened. We have to do a whole month of this fucking shitty show. You know, I'm not sure how it happened myself, but I'm excited for the opportunity to be chairman of these Olympics. Oh, fuck. Fuck you, Susser. Get your own fucking talking Susspot or whatever. Saunders, I'm curious, what can we expect with these aftershows? So we're going to have these, we're going to have these episodes that we'll release on Thursday as per usual. Right. They will

be, you know, our normal, our normal Doughboys length episodes, but this different Olympics format. And then on Fridays, I believe on Fridays, I don't want to commit to a firm release schedule now, but I think we're going to try and we're going to aim for that shortly after the release of the episode. There will be this after show. What are the kinds of things you might be asking our guests or asking the guests on your show? By the way, these aftershows are going to be pretty short, right? Yeah, they're going to be short. They're going to be mini-soaked length. Great. Short even in this one. Okay, good. Yeah. I think this one, this is probably too long for what we're doing, but U-Song has a certain drive time to get here from. How's he doing? What's it looking

like? I mean, I don't want him texting and driving. Do you want me to text? I don't want to text him. I'm okay to text him. You want me to text U-Song? I'll text him. U-okay. Okay. I'll text him U-okay. Hold on. I don't have his number on my phone. I'm going to text him back. This is the L.A. City Mourn. I imagine he should be getting here shortly. Well, what I think we can expect for the aftershows is, like in any Olympic event, when an athlete is competing and they're in the moment, they're, you know, like I said, they're in the moment and they're not really able to process what's going on. I want them in these aftershows to be able to reflect on what happened, to talk about what was going on in their minds that they maybe were not able to articulate during the show.

Right. And also their reactions to what happened and if they have any regrets. Interesting. Sounds like just more bullshit from Joe. Extended into 15 more minutes with Joe. Filler, if you will. Yeah, filler. But you know what? I like Joe. Joe, you're great. Thank you. You know what? Joe, you baked any sweet breads lately. You know, in this heat, it's hard to get that on. Yeah, that's true. What about, what's the last bread you baked? You know, just a good, I really love a good old fashioned banana. My banana bread is really the favorite crop. Hey, this is my favorite part of the Olympic Open to everyone. So interesting that Joe, Joe's favorite, Joe's favorite bread to bake is the bread that he

brought into us already on his episode. It hasn't changed, but it's fun to hear about the Saunders conundrum. It's the hot summer heat is keeping the oven off. It's hard to bake when it's as hot as it is outside. Well, I tell you, that's got to be a concern down there in hot Lana. When you get that, you get that southern heat and you want yourself some, some, some peach bread or a peach pie, but you don't want to turn that oven on. It's true. Yeah, you got to keep that in mind. Oh my God. We get used to it down there and we just kind of live with it. What is this? I almost passed out because I cough from laughing so much. Nobody listening. Jesus. I mean, who knows? Maybe one of these aftershows, there'll be a,

you know, turn on the oven the day before and something going. Yeah. That sounds depressing, Joe. Make sure you're baking something when you turn on the oven. Don't just leave the oven door open and turn it on the gas. Leave the threats of suicide to the two of us. That's our game. All right. So I am here. I'm receiving word. I'm receiving a signal from our producer Dustin outside that Yu Song is making his way into the Feral Audio Studios. Oh, this is very exciting. This is very exciting. So he is going to walk in the hot sauce. Oh, this is great. Thank God. The Olympics hot sauce. Yu Song is here. He's shaking his head rightfully so. He's wearing a Doughboyz t-shirt. Very,

very double of him. And hold on for one second, Yu Song. I want to talk through what's going on. Yu Song, I'm just happy that you're here safe and sound. We should have never sent you on that journey. May all of us die in fiery wrecks before a hair on your head is harmed, I say. A sight for sore eyes, Yu Song arriving and mercifully ending this episode. So he's got the ceremonial Olympics hot sauce torch. He is going to douse a burrito that Chairman Susser has. And when Susser takes a bite, the games are officially opened. Oh, my fucking God. Yu Song, it was a traffic. Okay. It was fine. Got you on time. So there was no problem, right? This is of all the tasks you've had. You'd say this one was right down the middle. Perfectly, perfectly down the

middle. All right, great. See, he loves it, man. She's very happy. All right, let's uh. He loves it. All right, Yu Song. Yu Song, I'm sorry that you have to do this. We love you, buddy. We love you. Joe, talk us through what we're seeing here. This is the most compelling moment of these opening ceremonies. So Yu Song right now is about to pour the hot sauce on the burrito. He's doing it very carefully and the first drops are coming out of the hot sauce bottle. The ceremonial hot sauce. There it's not coming out. There's one. What type of sauce is that, Joe? I actually can't see the label right now. Um, Tabasco. Classic Tabasco. And just put his hands out and started walking towards the burrito. You couldn't

have stuck a little Doughboy's logo on that hot sauce bottle or something, Sus? Oh, Jesus. I thought about it. I wasn't able to get it. I'm sorry. All right, well, we don't have like a branded tie-in with Tabasco, so we're not that we would accept that because the Doughboys can't be bought. Yeah, Tabasco's great. I give it five forks. Yeah, fuck it. I like Tabasco, too. Just let me eat the burrito and start the game. All right, we'll have Susser take a bite of this burrito. Usung, thank you so much. Wow. There it is. There it is. A full bite. Wait, he's going back for a second so he doesn't have to. What kind of burrito was that? Did we already say that? That was a shredded chicken burrito from

Taco Bell. Very appropriate. Very appropriate. The kind of menu item that we would evaluate on this podcast. Joe Saunders, thank you so much. Take us away. Thank guys. I'm excited to be here. Like I've already said, the Olympics, I think this is... Well, we'll see what happens. And I guess I declare these Olympics games open. Is Max Mayer still here? Yeah, Max Mayer should come back. Max Mayer, come back in and play some cool drum intro. Outro. Boy, this was not planned out. I thought it was pretty smooth. Yeah, I guess. Some sort of... We could tighten this in the end. We're not going to, but we could tighten this in the end. Or play music for Nick and I and Susser. All right, Max Mayer is ready. Usung is opening the door for him. Max Mayer came in.

Two talented people. Usung and Max Mayer together. And Dustin. All right, here we go. Wow. That was beautiful. That is the best part. We should just have him drum throughout the... Max, you thought about starting a drum podcast? Some sort of drum-centric podcast? No. I tell you, I think there's a market for that. I think you get in there. No, I'm pitching you a little bit here. I think what you do is... Jesus, we were about to wrap up the episode. I think what you do is, like, you're a talented drummer. You know your stuff. I think you get in there with some rhythm lessons and you can sort of talk through drumming. You can bring on other percussionists. And then you can also have some actual live drumming on the podcast. I don't know. There's nothing out

there like this. So just think about it. Drumming's good. We agreed it was a good way to end the podcast. Not a little speech about another podcast. No, I'm a little bit more and then we'll end it, okay? That's the kind of thing that Farrell Audio, I think, would have on their network of unique podcasts. I'm not promising that. You're pitching to Dustin who's not making attention to you right now. I'm telling that I'm saying that that's like an idea. That's just a concept. Do whatever you want with it. I'm not making any commitments. Dustin, I'm just giving a big thumbs down. Okay, what about Joe Sander's podcast? Talking Joe. Talking Joe? Why not like talking breads or something? Oh yeah, Joe Sander's sweet bread based podcast.

Each week he brings in a new sweet bread and tells you how he baked it. Sweet breads is not breads. Yeah, that's a good point. No, I know sweet breads is his own thing, but sweet breads come by and your match mayors leave. I guess that with one. I'm just giving him his sweet breads. That's what I'm saying. One more drumming and then we're done. I won't say another word. I'm taking my headphones off. I might get one last word in. The Olympics have begun. You