Doughboys - Munch Madness Finale: Arbys vs Capriotti's vs Jersey Mikes with Michael Cassady and Paul Rust (Live)

Episode Date: March 31, 2022

It's the finale of Munch Madness 2022: The Tournament of Chompions: Hero's Journey: Sub-Optimal! Michael Cassady and Paul Rust of Don't Stop Or We'll Die get too silly with the 'boys as they determine who will take home the Dave Thomas Cup. Plus, the Heart of a Chompion is awarded to a special guest.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's up, everybody? It's your boy, The Spoon Man, and I want to talk to you about today's sponsor, Uber Eats. At Uber Eats, we've helped more than 400,000 restaurants across the U.S. reach new, hungry customers and deliver growth quickly through new orders. Uber's global platform can help you grow, reach new people, get valuable sales data, and unlock ways to expand with flexible delivery options. Put your business on Uber Eats. Get access to the Uber Eats platform, including valuable sales data, to grow your business. Dig into your data. Really dig in there anytime to monitor your performance and customer order trends. Wow. Wow. Yikes. Restaurant owners enjoy 0% commission for the first 30 days

on all orders, offer subject to change per the terms of the restaurant agreement. Wow. 0% on the first 30 days. Sign up today. That link that you want to click on is down there in the episode description. Right down there. Check it out. There it is. Move your cursor. Go ahead and click. Or if you're on your phone, use your finger. And click that link. Click that link in the episode description. Previously on Fat Chance Kitchen. We're not talking about that. True. We're talking about Capriotti's or Quizno's. One of those is advancing to the finale. We will say our winner in unison, counting down from three to two. Three, two, one. One.

We're Capriotti's. Wow. By a super majority, four to one, Capriotti's advancing, joining the main tournament. We'll see you at the championship. One month ago, eight national sandwich chains began an eight-mazing journey to determine who has the most toothsome bread stacks and all the fast food. Via Commissioner Susser's substitution, two additional chains came into the breach, shaking up the competition like a sad salad in a plastic container. Now, after four playoff matches in the conclusion of the loser's bracket, Fat Chance Kitchen's salad days aren't over. A triforce of eateries remain to compete for the most prestigious award in chain restaurant podcasting, the Dave Thomas Cup. Can Jersey Mike's continuates

start to finish munch-bat dominance, joining the ranks of New Jersey's elite like Bruce Springsteen, Tony Soprano and Zach Braff? Will Arby's pushed along by Pusha T's new single ride its horsey sauce across the finish line in first place? And what the fuck is Capriotti's? Whose sub-arrange and stay submerged in which nominee will emerge as most non-worthy? Whose hoagies are going to rogui? Tonight, a champion will be crowned. This week on Doe Boys, the finale of munch-batness 2022, the tournament of champion's hero's journey, sub-optimal. Arby's versus Capriotti's versus Jersey Mike's. Let's go! Welcome to Doe Boys, the podcast about chain restaurants. Wow, wow. I'm the sandwich lad,

Nick Weiger, and tonight we decide the winner of munch-batness 2022, the tournament of champion's hero's journey, sub-optimal. Here, live with this digital experience. Live digital experience is the copy on MomentHouse.com. Hey, that's what you guys were all thinking when you bought tickets, right? I gotta see this live digital experience. And you know what? It wouldn't be a live digital experience without my co-host, Beta Pinkett Smith, Mr. Slice of Bread, Mike Mitchell. Wait. So this was a solvable tech problem. You saw we had the video that introduced the show. You saw that we had the theme song play. We could have had Emma play this instead of you playing it from

your phone into the microphone. To Spoon Nation, Slice Nation. Mr. Slice of Bread, the nickname that will end tonight. Wow. I'm just going to say I'm happy to be doing this show tonight in the comfort and safety of my home, away from slap happy audience members, whether they be Will Smith or others. I like Capriottis. I'm going to go smack him in the face. No, you can't. We're doing it digitally. It's a live digital experience. That's why we're doing it this way. And you maybe think a digital, I'd give you a live digital experience. The digits of my hand. Yeah, five digits. No, thank you. Yeah. That, that Rose was courtesy of Kevtron from the Dose Guard. Thank you for never coming to blows on the pod, roastspoonmanageemail.com. We haven't yet.

Things have yet to get physical between us. It sounded horny. Until we desperately launch a new Patreon tier, things have not gotten physical between us. Jesus, at least it'll be a short video. You'd love it. Yeah. We both came before we started. And that's the end of the video. Quick announcement before we get down to business here. There will be a live post show Q&A after tonight's finale on the same stream. So stick around for that. And that should be a lot of fun. Or don't. You can, when the show's over, you can fuck off if you like. You just don't. That makes our job easier. You should go home. Or I guess just turn off your

thing at the show. Yeah. Yeah. Well, in all seriousness, I was just, I was happy to see, you know, fellow Hollywood people up on stage celebrating film. Yes. On Sunday. And then the world is, the world's back. It feels like the world is back. Back or bad. Things are back. Both. Guess who's sitting right here with me for this, during this whole show. I'm getting yelled at for the drop. I'm going to play the drop. But look, why is I got a little, look. It can only be Wally or Irma. It has to be one of your cats. It's my little buddy.

Look at that. Very cute. Wally looking very handsome. I love you. Wow. Good boy. Wags. Here we go. Here it is. Oh, I'm getting yelled at by the chat. We have a chat. They're making fun of me for showing the cat. They're saying, yuck. Because I kissed the cat anyways. Wags, before we get going, you know what we're going to do. It's time for a little drop. Hit it, Emma. We go to Jimmy John's. I can feel my tummy churn up against Drippy Mice. Mike's way. Did I right? Are we sexy? Got the meat, sweet, sweet, sweet, curly fries. Sorsy sauce is kind of nice, kind of spicy, kind of white. I think it's been there. Where you tell your buddy that news? Soups don't count what pickles do. Ice is pretty yummy too. 7-11 has a hot dog in the hot lamp.

Do those count? Um, is the hot dog a sandwich? Listen to my heartbeat. Very feel a heartbeat. If I'm lucky, this sandwich will kill me. Who will be the winner of this big important journey? What will be the lesson that's been learned along the journey? Mr. Slimes of bread and sandwich that might be bad. Hope the winner doesn't let it all go. In the head, turn that quiz no into a quiz. Yes, calling my shot. Arby's will win this test. It's the end of the month of my madness. It's the end of the month of my madness. It's the end of the month of my madness. And I feel bad. Wow. Wow. And I feel bad. And I feel bad. I mean, hey, you're here to that. That ate up a lot of time at least, I feel like.

Hello, dough boys. You said send me your longest drop. Hello, dough boys. I seem to have lost my mind. Thanks to Nick Mitch, Drop King, Emmer, Yu Song, Susser, Saunders, Wally, Irma, and the rest of the dough boys extended universe for making objective, objectively good podcast for making an objectively good podcast. Wow. Here's a bad drop based on an REM song and all of the chains competing in much madness. I hope you don't add more before the tournament is over and ruin my beautiful parody song. Hee, hee, hee. Oh, and here are the dumb lyrics. I'm not going to read the lyrics off. Thanks, Dan. Dan Fa... Dan. Hmm. Fonder. That's not going to go with it. Oh, it's Dan. Oh,

on the, on the Discord, not the, not the Dano. And then Team Carl's Junior. A different Dano. Yeah. Not Quincy's Dano, but the Dosecore Dano. That's right. Thanks for sending in Dano. What a great drop, quality drop. That song is karaoke hubris. Don't, don't attempt the end of the world as we know it at karaoke. That's going to end point. That, well, we have two of the hosts of We Wish You a Silly Spoofmas. That's true. With us today. And that was going to be my spoofmas song this year, but I was too

mixed up. I didn't, I couldn't do it in enough time, but that was going to be my spoofmas song this year. It will be it next year. It's too hard. You were too, just, you had too, too much on your mind having to deliver presents to children of the world. Got a load on my sleeve. I'm not Santa. How dare you say that? Wags. Also, I want to give a shout out to a Dosecorder. I'm going to give a shout out to Brittany. It's her 40th, uh, it's their 40th birthday today. Wow. Happy birthday, Brittany. Yeah. I thought that she, uh, that's,

hey, there's a little perk of being a Dosecorder. You get a little birthday shout out. I mean, it's not going to happen. It's a premium feature now. You get a birthday shout out. Hey, why the hell not? Who gives a shit? This is like Peloton now. You know what? Only a hundred bucks a year. We can might give you a little birthday shout out. Shout out to Will Ride for Cupcakes. Congrats on 250 rides. Happy birthday. Shout out to Mago Wine Mom. Congrats on 300 rides. Happy anniversary. She looks, she looks pretty good on that Peloton, Mago Wine Mom. All right, Wags. Let's, let's introduce our guests, right?

Oh, we have guests, Mitch. But we also have a guest of honor because Mitch, this is the finale of the Doughboys Tournament of Chompions. And how can we have this momentous occasion without the commissioner himself? Please welcome to the podcast, Evan Susser. Oh no. Also playing his cue from his phone. Again, we had a tech, we had a tech through. We could have had these cues in the stream. I'm going to make a brief statement after which I'll open the floor to questions. Great. Welcome to the live digital experience finale of Munch Madness Tournament of Chompions 2022, a hero's journey, suboptimal, Sammy's versus Whammy's. Now, time for business.

Because of some poor logistical planning, tonight's head-to-head grudge match includes three heads, Arby's, Jersey Mike's, and Capriotti's. This. You should have put, you should have put your notes right below your camera. I know. Should I move them now? Yeah. I do the same thing. I got a second monitor I'm cheating off of. My eye line's all messed up. Okay, I'm moving it. It's fine. Because of some poor logistical planning, you got my head. Wow, this looks great. That must not remain the case for long. I am hereby invoking my power as commissioner to demand an instant elimination as soon as the guests are introduced. Wow. One of these chains will be instantly eliminated in a flash poll. Wow. Wow, a genuine surprise. I did not know that

was coming. So we're going to get head-to-head for sure. Speaking of the guests, Paul Rust and Michael Cassidy, also known as Don't Stop or We'll Die. Correct. I am well aware of their reputation, and I want to be clear that this is a serious night. That is why I am not only invoking the No Silly Rule, but also bringing in a guest, stern dad, to keep an eye on you boys throughout the show. Wow. Susser just brought up a stock image of an upset father for those of you listening later. He has not changed out of his work clothes, so he's probably pretty fussy. Just got home from work, you're already misbehaving. That's what he's saying. He's saying that? I am sincerely hoping that there will be no need for the stern dad and that that will be the last time the audience

at home sees him. But just in case things get too silly, know that a stern dad is standing by. And just to be clear, the stern dad says too silly and kind of a silly voice. Yeah. Okay. I mean, that's his voice, and it's expensive to make a judgment on it. Okay, so that's just his natural voice and maybe that people think it's silly, but that's maybe why he thinks silly is such serious business. You're lucky that this is a live virtual experience. Otherwise, you get slapped. Wise, I haven't seen a stern dad like that since I last watched Private Parts. Too silly. That earned one?

It did. It did. That's too silly. Okay. I haven't seen a stern dad like that since I watched the original Wonder Years. No, you didn't get one. Okay. Daniel Stern voiced the kid, not the dad. That was my problem. Finally, as we conclude this year's tournament, I'd like to do a review and evaluation of it. It was great. Great twists. Great turns. Definitely not just rehashing the same thing over and over again, going through the motions or running on steam. It's good that we keep doing this. Okay. Thank you. I will now open the floor for questions. Yeah, I have a question. Commissioner, is your dial-up connection via CompuServe or Prodigy? Is it really an internet issue? It's not great. God damn it. Okay, you got one?

Well, I just have a question. Emma says we should refer to him as stern daddy. Is that we have to refer to her? Emma's in her chat. Stern daddy? Yeah. We have to call him daddy? That's a me seem sillier than just stern dad. I agree, but it's good to put out there. Hey, Sus, also, are you broadcasting from the bunker in Cloverfield Lane? Get the dad on there for that. That's just disrespectful. Wow. Yeah. That movie, you're watching it and you're like, why is the Cloverfield in there? And then you get to the end and you're like, mm-hmm. Okay, I see what they did.

All right, seriously, do you guys have any questions about the instant elimination or any tournament-related issues? Yes, I do have a serious question, which is the instant elimination aside. We have two guests. We have Mitch and myself, so it's four people. We could split two-two. What is the tiebreaker in the event of a tie? That's a great question. That's a great question. Okay, a tie will be decided by Emma and myself. Wow. Wait, but that's two more people. Two more people. It seems like, right, what if there's another tie there? So then it'll be decided by you, sounding if we can get a hold of him. I mean, he's not here. So then if we get a hold of him.

So then it's just, but we will try to get a hold of him. All right, no, that should be good. And if we can't get a hold of him, then Mitch just decides. Okay, if we can't get a hold of him, it goes to Mitch as president of Don't Boys Media. So first, just to be clear, so if there's a tie, it goes to me and Emma together. Yes. Then we try and get a hold of you song. And if we can't get a hold of you song, then Mitch decides. How long of a window do we have to get in touch with you song as Mitch is nodding along? I'm doing the jacket. Listen to an anger management. Two or three minutes because it's going to be really, it's going to be just running on steam

at that point and you're going to want to like end it, I think. All right, so you song's in the chat. You song just said he's in the chat. So is he going to be around? You said he's in the chat, I just saw. Okay. At least in the chat. So go see you song. Now, a complication might be, I don't think you song has eaten at any of these places in anticipation, but. Well, yeah, because we could see you song pig like going crazy and picking a Chipotle, you know, because that's his favorite. That's your song. Don't pull bullshit like that. Don't you pick potlay you song. If it falls to you. Okay. We shouldn't have been that surprised. Bye. See you, Sus. Bye, Sus sir. Sus, I'm happy that if World War three breaks out,

you're safe. The commissioner of the no boys tournament champions, Evan Sus. Very, very exciting momentous announcement. We shouldn't have been that surprised with the aliens at the end. It's like, like, like a 800 Freddy Krueger Lane. And then at the end, like Freddy's like surprise, you know, when they go outside, you know, oh yeah, Freddy, you know, like we should have expected a clover field, right? These are my streets, bitch. I'm inside the mystery box, bitch. Ding dong, you're dead, bitch. Do people know the mystery box? People know it, right? Are you talking about the JJ Abrams mystery box? Yeah. Yeah, people know that. All right, let's get our guests in here. We've wasted, you know, who you doesn't know it. JJ, JJ doesn't know what's in

there. That's the whole point. How twisted is that the creator of it doesn't know what's in there. Yeah. Mitch, our guest today. Yeah, let's get him in here. Comparise the power pop band known as Don't Stop or We'll Die, Michael Daniel Cassidy, and Paul Russ joining the show for another tournament finale. It's Don't Stop or We'll Die night. Hi. Hello. What a treat. Hi. What a delight to have you boys here. We, this is, this is, you know, we've had multiple tournament finales that have involved one or both of you, including two years ago, perhaps our biggest tournament ever, the 64 contestant Mac Attack, the McDonald's tournament that resulted in fries being crowned. Legendary. Legendary.

Yeah, and did it reach legendary status? I know you guys put it in for a review. Yeah. Did it get that Nobel legendary status? I think it won. It won a Nobel. Yeah. Yeah. It won a Nobel for legendary status. I'm just happy that we're not doing McDonald's but we bad mouthed McDonald's and then like Ronald McDonald came up here and slapped one of us in the face or something. Yeah. You know what's interesting about this, Will Smith, you know, Chris Rock incident that's been dominating the discourse is all of a sudden people seem upset by a breaking of norms involving violence. I guess you people were asleep during the Trump administration. Wow. Hey. Hey. Hey. January 6th, 2021. Look it up. Is there a guy to pop up that's not silly enough?

Guys, can I just say, first of all, thank you for having Mike and I on this special, special show. But also, you know, I was just waiting on the little digital waiting room. Yes. Laughin' my B-U-T-T off. That video was hilarious. And then you guys come on and you add lib like three to four just gems. So I'm laughin' at the pre-prepared stuff. I'm laughin' at the stuff you're coming up with off the dome. Just great work. And Susser. God bless you. So funny. And last thing I'll say, lookin' at you and Susser, Weiger, Susser, Mitch, now Mikey, quarantine's been good on you guys. Lookin' good. Lookin' good. You too. Wow. Well, he went in reverse order of how impressive it was. No, no, never. Oh, boy.

Never. Never. I agree. Very funny. Thank you for having us. My goodness gracious. I see the staircase now, Mitch. Yeah. It's a visual medium, isn't it? The cats will run up and down it during the show, which I think is fun. That's cool. That'll be like up and down your spine. Like up and down your spine, the cats must run. They say in the riddle. You guys know that riddle. Up and down your spine, the cats must run. You must admit. How would you say this compares to other previous munch madnesses? Great question, Paul. And I would say that worse, do you mean as a show? Because it's like as an event? No, like, well, I don't know. What do you mean, Paul, as a competition or as

programming? Oh, yeah. Adrenaline rush. Adrenaline rush, OK. Which was closest to point break. Yeah. On a scale of one to ten, one nap time at Grandma's house. Two ten. Oh, the mad dad's here. It's got too silly. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. We did get warned about this and I did get a tiny shock into my chair. Yeah, I got a little shocked too. Yeah, we should have mentioned the shock. Paul and I would each get shocked in our... Underneath my fingernail. I got like shocked. Yeah. It was crazy. Yeah. Everyone's getting shocked in different areas. Also, what's the best way to like, like tomorrow morning, do I apologize to stern daddy? Yeah. Or should I apologize now?

I think it's better off, you know, because if you do it on in this public forum, it'll seem like it's, you know, some sort of, like it's for your own glory, like it's for your own, like I want to show everyone your own thing if you do it now. But yeah, I would say deal with it on Twitter tomorrow in the early a.m. Okay. Yeah, you're on Twitter. Yeah. Just tweet about it. God has chosen you to be silly. Yes. Yeah. Maybe I'll just do a notepad apology to stern daddy. That's best if you just like take a screenshot of a word doc because then it's cemented in reality. Guys, I'm moving because I'm trying to get some good light for you for people who don't get the visual element. Just so you know, I'm moving around trying to get, catch some light for y'all.

Well, you look great. And he's like, he's inside the, the submarine at Disneyland right now. So every time he twists it around, it's a different Nemo character. Yeah, that's weird because the captain is a guy in a Winnie the Pooh costume and he's running. That's weird. Yeah. Well, he's wearing half of the Winnie the Pooh costume. I can tell you that much. It's all part of the Disney verse now, huh? What lights? It's all part of the Disney verse now, huh? Oh, it's all just a craven cynical ploy. Yeah. We're all the, all the IP meets in one reality. Yeah. If I have to see one more Disney character. Oh, I look there. Bugs Bunny. Look over there. Daffy duck. Yes. Look over. Popeye, Disney everywhere. What are they doing?

What are they doing at the house of mouse? Stop giving me these Disney characters at every turn. If you, if you, if you, if you bought the DVD for Avengers, whichever one it is that he does the snap, Pooh Bear, there's a scene where Pooh Bear turns the dust. It's really sad. Oh bother. And then he disappears. There's just a pot of honey there unattended. It's really sad. And who pops out of the honey? Elmer Fudd. Elmer. The greatest grouch of all Elmer Fudd. Oh, I love Winnie the Pooh. What a great, what a great grouchy little bastard. He's a good role model. Yeah. He is good. He's good and great and wonderful and knows his way around food. Am I right boys? That's true. Especially honey.

He's something of a warm mind. Oh, that's right. Just honey. Yeah, maybe just honey. Just honey. We'll do a honey tournament in a few years. It doesn't give a shit about anything, but a big jar of all the honey. Wait, not big. Too small for him always. Yeah, that's true. He can't give him that shit. A few years we'll do the much madness honey tournament where we judge a bunch of different honeys. The honeycomb where you, yeah, the tournament is like a hexagonal, like six elimination tournament tournament. Oh, that's good. Where bees compete to be the new host of Doe Boys. Do you guys remember, I think it was about a year when we were hanging out probably from like,

let's say 2010 to 11, where I had gone to the visit, taken a walk through it on a nature trail through the forest and a full beehive fell on my head. And then I walked around with it for a year. You guys were really nice not to. He's relaying an actual anecdote from his life. I don't know how that's silly. You know what I think is unfair too, when stern daddy comes up, he goes, too silly. Too silly. Yeah. He's a little hypocritical. It's true. I have a question for you, Paul, when, when the, I just want to find out who this character was. There was a character that said nap time at grandma's house. And I was wondering who that character is. Cause is that grandma saying that? Or is that, uh, I think, yeah, I think grandma is the one that's excited

about nap time. It's interesting Mitch, because when you just did it now, it sounded like Jack Nicholson. And when you did the Jack Nicholson gift earlier to Susser before you said it was the Jack Nicholson one, I knew you were doing the next thing. You got the glint right. Oh my God. Can you hear the audience roar? Wow. Mitch, you were just flailing your arms wildly. They would sit around the campfire and recreate gifts. Hmm. Recreate Simpson's gifts around the campfire. Well, watch me Margaret. I'm going to disappear backwards into a hedge. This makes the trail more durable.

Oh, hey, look at me. I'm on survivor or some shit. And I bust up laughing while I'm drinking a glass of water. That's our entertainment. We like that. We like that. We like that. Um, guys, oh, so to answer your question, Mitchy, I think it was like a sardonic host who was saying like on a scale of one, taking a nap at grandma's. Oh, okay. All right. All right. Sure. Yeah. Or 10 point break. Yeah. Or that new top gun trailer. Okay. Yeah. Adrenaline. Yeah. That's, Will you watch the top gun trailer? I just watched it right before this to get myself prepared. Wait, is that the show? Yeah. There's a new top gun trailer, Wags. Yeah. Go ahead and watch it. I didn't see it for top gun. All right. I'll watch it real quick. Let's watch it right now.

Hey, I haven't seen it either, Wager. Let's watch it. Okay. Is that like the equivalent of jacking off before a date? So you get your adrenaline out even without like your clear minded kind of sexual completion, you're able to like, yeah. And then it's, then it's hanging from my ear. It's in my ear, Paul. Like you didn't you question this the other day? Well, yeah, I said I recently rewatched there's something about Mary and it's so, I mean that scene is so funny. Um, when she has her hair stick up and everything, like I was laughing my ass off, but it is weird when you watch it, they don't ever explain how that hair gel got on his ear, on Ben Stiller's ear.

Oh, it's, it's not, you thought, you thought it's hair gel. You're thinking, Yeah, that's what she says. She goes, Oh, hair gel. And then she has like this super silly hair, like her hair sticking up because she put the hair gel that was on his ear. But I don't know, he was like punching himself in the stomach repeatedly. And I don't know if that paid hair gel squirt onto his ear. Yeah, I see the issue here. But they should have shown that. This movie is without flaw. Yeah, or you know, that's flawless. Yeah, there's no flaw in the movie. So what are you saying right now? Nick, you want to tell him or should I? No, I don't think so. Mitch, you better break it to him. No. I'm just going to say this. I think there's more of a chance of our,

of a Doughboy's audience slapping themselves down there than slapping us. Why? Because I think we'd be safe. I'm saying we went, if we did a live show, there's more of a chance of Doughboy's of Doughboy's listeners jacking off. Yeah, you know what? Will Smith could have saved us all a lot of trouble if instead of going up on the stage and slapping Chris Rock, he would have just stayed in a seat and slapped his dick till he climaxed. That would have saved us all a whole lot of bad dads here. I don't think that, I don't think that that was that silly. I think that's, I think Paul made a great point. I agree. I thought it was salient. That makes it great. It's a great point. I thought it was salient. That's what he should have been saying. I mean, what are the

consequences of this? The dad, the stern dad coming on, and then it's just like, well, do you want to tell you these little shocks that are coming into our chairs? That's something, but I would say we need a little something else. We're going to be deterred. I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you two things. One, mine is minor. My electrodes are set up to my chest and when they shock me, they've actually saved my life a couple of times because I was mid cardiac arrest. And two, and two, if he appears on the screen 100 times, he will come to life and come through our screens like the ring. 100 times. Okay. So we just have to make sure we don't do it a hundred times. You got to make sure that this doesn't happen a hundred times.

What's it been? I don't have a tally yet, but it can't, yeah, it's got to be three or four, maybe a half dozen at most, right? I think it's like 87, 88 right now, but I don't know. I wasn't really keeping track. We won't know now until it's too late. This is how these things work. When he comes into existence. Oh, you know, there's been somebody out there counting. They're definitely, they're people are doing that. People are tracking that. They got to go into the chat, I bet. You know, these absolute sickos have it going in the chat. Oh, good, good, good. The audience is keeping track of daddy. Okay. We're here. We're here. We're on eight. You can keep track of daddy. Just don't put daddy on the track.

That was earned. That wasn't silly. No, that was earned. I agree with you getting number nine for that. Very silly. Eight? We're at eight now? Wait, we're now, now we're at nine. That brings us up to nine. Nine times. Nine times. Nine, two silly so far. Nine times. Nine. Nine times. Nine times. Nine times. Nine times. Let's talk sandwiches. I'll explain what happened with Ben Stiller and something about Mary. He, uh, he misfired my man. He shot, he shot off before he meant to shot up into the air and, uh, and caught his ear. Am I mom and dad? Oh, like come? Come? Yeah. Yeah. He shot, come in his ear. A hot load. Oh, like hot load. What did Weiger describe it as? What's a voluminous, voluminous amount of voluminous, voluminous, voluminous amount of ejaculate.

And when I had a wet dream in my dorm room, very embarrassing. Jesus. Not the place, not the scenario you want to, you want to, when you're on the bottom bunk. It sucks to the night before you were like, we should, we should bunk in the same bed tonight. And then you may have to wake up to that. I have a feeling tonight's the night that we should sleep in the same bed tonight. He's a doctor. That happened to me in college. Mark Young, they called him Younger. He lived next door to my, he was in the dorm next door to mine, came in, put his arm around me. I woke up in the morning. I was like, why are you having your arm around me in my bed? And he's got drunk

and he thought I was his girlfriend. He came into my dorm room and he thought I was his girlfriend and he put his arm around me. Man, that's adorable. We're lies. I just realized kind of an exciting element of danger that like normally on a podcast, you might go later, oh boy, Youngo is going to be real mad at me. Younger? Younger, no. Younger's okay. He's a good guy. Yeah, if anything, you're making him sound cool. He was dating somebody. That sounds cool as hell.

Mitch, I have a question on that topic about the nighting question. Was that the only action I saw in college? Is that where you're going to say something along those lines? Because yes. I was going to ask him if he'd flowered you, but same, same difference. Better. He only put his arm around Mitch, but Mitch used that as like, I got laid and I lost my virginity to people. Quincy boys, you're not going to believe what happened last night, baby. Dude, details.

Details. Yeah, baby. All right. My friend, Younger, got a little too drunk. I just tell the real story. Wigs. Wait. Stern daddy didn't come for that. That seemed realistic enough that I could have been deflowered by my next door neighbor. Yeah, that seems right.

That's Stern daddy didn't think it was silly. That seems right. Well, Stern daddy does kind of have a subdom element. Stern daddy just in the chat said, I thought it could be real. Truth. Yeah, that's right. Truth is not silly. Truth is true. Truth is eviction and truth is not silly. If we've learned anything from Sharna Alpern, it's a truth is not silly

and that she was friends with Chris Farley. You know, Mitch, you're about to take a little trip abroad. You're going to Costa Rica. That's right, Wigs. I'm going to Costa Rica with the family. It's going to be a lot of fun. Going to maybe see a monkey. Oh, that's fun. Going to maybe see a bird.

Just that, just a one monkey, one bird. That's it. Hey, that sounds like a heck of a vacay. And you know what? Knowing some Spanish might be helpful down there. Wigs. And if you have an upcoming summer trip abroad, my go-to travel hack is Babel.

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to get 50% off your first box. Do it. Commissioner Susser is jumping down our throats here in the chat, here in the group chat. And he's telling us... Oh, shit, instant elimination. We're supposed to do the instant elimination. We have a complete dereliction of duties.

Literally jaw-dropping. When I heard that. Jaws are on the ground right now. Yeah. It's like I got slippery fingers at a video store. Yeah. Cass, I mean, I was thinking that's the scariest idea for a sequel. We were just tickled with each other's presences, where we know.

Jaws being on the ground, a ground shark of sorts. Ground shark. That's scary. That is scary. Not silly. That's scary. That's scary. Well, you remember when Freddy's Blade comes up out of the water

through the sand? That's like in Nightmare on Elm Street, part four. Yeah. Of course. We didn't like that. He gets it. No, we didn't like that. No, terrified.

That guy gets it. I didn't like it. Well, and then this comes along and we didn't like this. The birthday boys were going to write a movie called Horny Beach. Did we... You've told somebody about this, right? You've done your web series, Horny Beach. I watched a bunch of the...

Yeah, I watched a bunch of the videos of that. Oh, yeah, there was a web series. It was so funny. And then you guys had the shark idea that was so... You still should do it. Yeah. It's so funny. A shark gets beached, but it keeps getting wet with water.

Like a sprinkler keeps getting it wet. And so it lives. And then people walk by it and keep getting eaten. And this is a feature length movie? This isn't like a horny comedy. Yeah. Got it. Great.

I love it. It's certain daddy doesn't think it's too silly. He's kind of greenlighting it. If we can have actors be like cloned from like their DNA, they should first do it by bringing back Roy Scheider. And then kill Richard Dreyfus and bring him back. And then do the movie. Yeah, kill Richard Dreyfus, bring him back, get Spielberg's lawyer.

Yeah, right. And fuck Quint. Fuck Quint! You're saying like... No, I mean like... Yeah, like a fuck Mary kill. Like you fuck Quint. Oh, okay.

Okay. You fuck Mary Quint. You fuck Quint. And you date the piece of beef that they used to catch the shark. The funniest thing I could say. I liked it. You know I'd be fucking Jaws or Bruce. His name is Bruce.

The shark's name is Bruce. Yeah, you'd be fucking Bruce. Yeah, we know you'd be fucking Bruce, dude. Yeah. Come on. You gonna turn that down? So Roy Scheider would be like a cloned little baby screaming on the ground in the movie.

Oh, I didn't think about that. There's like screaming. He doesn't see the black shirt. Turned dad's here. Too silly. Look, these sharks deserve their day. His voice should be like silly. Much too silly.

But it's so weird he's got this. It's weird. I think that's what people say in the comments. Jaws-y mikes, that's pretty good. Jaws-y mikes, that's great. We're at 48 minutes. It's Jaws-y mikes, but it's all shark meat? Oh yeah, we gotta do the instant elimination.

Okay. Four thoughts of Nightmare on Elm Street 4 to share. Sorry. No, I'm kidding. Please go. Please, please, please. Let's eliminate. Yes, how do we do this?

Oh, let's eliminate. And let's make sure that it's that one that we all hope it is. Paul, do you remember that? I mean, I know what I'm voting for. Do you remember the guy Screamin' Mad George, I think, is his name who worked on Nightmare 4? No. And he also worked on Society.

He's like a special effects guy who's great. Oh yeah, he makes super gross stuff. Right? Right? The special effects guy, yeah. Yeah, I don't know why I responded with mm. But yes. And Mitch, are you sure Screamin' Mad George doesn't refer

to the director of Episode 1 after he read the audience reactions to Jar Jar? Oh yeah, sorry, George Lucas is who I meant. That's right, that's who it is. All right, we're getting... Oh, he's here, he's here. He wants us to do an elimination. He's not going to leave until we do an elimination.

Oh, he's gone. Oh, no, he's back. Okay, game back, okay. There's a Stern Daddy fraud in the Moment House chat, just so everyone... What? It's not the real one. A fraud?

All right, why? We have to eliminate one of these places. What does that even mean? Stern Daddy fraud, what does that mean? We don't have time to investigate. Social investigate later. Here we go. Sounds like Congress about January 6th.

Yeah, on to the budget. No time to subpoena anyone. All right, so that is back. That's what's silly now. What, hey, that is what's silly in this America. It's interesting how Stern Daddy, a lot of times, the things he shoots down are jokes against the patriarchy. Interesting.

Interesting, interesting. Interesting, oh, he ran off, he's scared. Oh, maybe Stern Daddy is the patriarchy itself. As long as the system is upheld, it's not silly. Yeah, that's silly at all. Can I quickly go on the record and say what Will Smith did at the Oscars is as bad as the January 6th riots? Yeah, I think you can go on record and say that.

I think you can. I think you can. I think you originally did it at the January 6th riots. If you look at some of the photos, Will Smith is slapping Chris Rock on the January 6th. If you get them to release the photos, you can see that he's slapping Chris Rock right while Trump is addressing the rioters. Wow.

Same timeline. If you get them to release the photos. Release the photos. Release the Snyder photos. Release the photos. Release the Snyder photos. Release the Snyder photos. Release the Roy Scheider clone photos.

Yeah, release the Roy Scheider shark clone photos. Okay, guys, I don't want people to be mad at us. Okay, we should do the instant elimination. I do want to say real quick, I didn't think through how nightmarish it would be if you clone somebody. I guess this is what poison from Brazil is all about. But then you have to raise them from infancy to make sure their life goes the same way.

To make sure he has the same arc as Roy Scheider. He doesn't become a graphic designer or something. I almost wish that we could clone Chris Rock and Will Smith and see what happened if we raised them a different way. Would the slap still happen? Yeah, perhaps they'd slap other people, better people. Okay, we are going to count down from three to one. I will lead it.

And Will and Unison and everyone track this. You are going to say the chain you want eliminated. Normally, what we say is what we think is going to be the winner and that's what we're going to do later on in the show. But right now, we're excising one of these. We're saying, you're out of here, you're gone. You can't win the tournament. You are ineligible.

We are going to say in Unison, which of those chains we think we should ban from the tournament, counting down from three to one. Okay, here we go. All right, are we all ready? All right, here we go. Yep. Stern Daddy, would you like to be in here for this?

Stern Daddy, you want to slap somebody? Bam. All right, here we go. There we go. Okay, Stern Daddy's in here. Okay, here we go. I will lead the count. Three, two, one.

Capriottis. Arby's. Arby's by three to one? No. Arby's. Who said Capriottis? You. I'm the only one who said Capriottis?

Yeah, buddy. We're eliminating Arby's? Yep. This is a disgrace. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm upset. Hey, Wigs.

The chat came up with this joke, but no cap. That's the truth. Yeah, no cap. I wish. What a grim fate for Arby's. I'm so disappointed. I was really hoping they'd continue all the way and win the Dave Thomas Cup.

Nick, can I go off for a moment here? Yeah, please go ahead. Arby's had a great outing. I'm going to tell you what I got from there right now. I got a half pound. No, don't, no, no, this is, no, wait, hold on. I can't say what we got. Okay, fine.

I got a half, I got a half pound French dip with au jus. Uh-huh. Some horsey sauce, some Arby sauce, crinkle cut fries, large crinkle fries, large Diet Coke. And then a jalapeno, bacon, chicken, rollup, whatever the hell it is. And Wigs, I also, it's my last day there. I got a Jamoka shake.

I've never had one before. Great shake. I thought the food was fantastic. I really did. I thought it was great. I really didn't have an issue with anything. The wrap, I didn't like that much. And the wrap is kind of where they lost it.

And they're cold, in their cold sandwich section. But Wigs, this is a hoagies and subs tournament. I know that we're trying to- No, it's not. It's a sandwich tournament. It is. This is- You've not killed us in your head since-

Spicy chicken sandwich for one. Wendy should win it. It doesn't make any sense to the- No, that's not a sandwich shame. Oh, guys. Oh, it's not? Guys. No, that's not a sandwich shame.

It's a burger chain that has chicken sandwiches. We're talking about sandwich shames. Let me just say this. Oh, no. We had an opportunity tonight. We had an opportunity tonight to crown a champion in a way that would write a historical wrong. Arby's has been a pop culture punchline for too long. We saw it with the Simpsons.

I'm so hungry I can eat at Arby's. We saw it with Seinfeld, David Putty being characterized as a simpleton because he likes Arby's. Nick, I agree. We saw the Daily Show go to the Arby's well over and over again. She'd be taking off the air and every episode should be burned. Take them off the air, ban them from streaming services, burn down the Library of Congress. Just like, we need to make sure that this sort of Arby's hatred era is over because my issue- Cassidy's walking out.

Cassidy's upset. No, Nick. But I'm sorry. This is how I feel. I think the Arby's is bad hack. Let's say it's hack, huh? That can still end tonight. It doesn't have to win for it to end tonight.

That's true. Arby's is a shit. E.T. lost to Gandhi for best picture and we still watch Gandhi way more than we watch E.T. still, but we like E.T. okay? Yeah, E.T. is okay. I mean, I really, Gandhi is a yearly rewatch forum. That was a bad example because, yeah, because Gandhi's so good. All of us watch Gandhi together.

Every summer, we all get together and we watch Gandhi in Mitch's yard. We do a backyard screening of Gandhi. We dress up like the characters that we love. Like I said, it was a bad example to pick Gandhi. No, that's okay, but the point is taken. When that happened, didn't E.T. get up and slap Gandhi? Yeah, that's right. And it's just forever because E.T. climbed up the stage.

So gradual. He climbed up the stage and his neck. Like took forever to like get up to slapping height. I read this pieces out of your mouth. From the time he left to see till he got the stage, he was gray. He went from brown to gray. Yeah. And then he was gray up there and they had to hold the microphone up to his,

just the faint pink heart that they could see through his ribs. Oh, E.T.'s ribs. That's where we all came from. God pulled from E.T.'s rib and made us all. Yeah. It's true. Do you know Ouch My Ribs was once E.T.'s ribs? The Almy Ribs Theater in Hollywood, California.

The Almy Ribs Theater in Hollywood was once E.T.'s ribs theater. Probably very few of our viewers know about the Almy Ribs Theater, but it does exist. So there you go. Yeah, it was originally called Al E.T.'s ribs. Yeah, we know that, of course. And Stern Daddy's not appearing here because this is all in the historical record. This is all true. It's true.

Truth is not silly. I'm devastated that Arby's lost. I really am. I was hoping that the Cinderella story would continue to its conclusion. It would slip on the glass slipper at the end of the night. Of all these places, Arby's is the place I've eaten by far the most. Me too. It's my personal favorite.

It's what I was gunning for. Me too. Me too. And I am just going to say, I think that it's, I at least take solace in everyone's general agreement that, you know, let's stop saying that Arby's is shit because Arby's a champagne. Arby's is good. Yeah, you know how you, we gotta move the over 10 windows.

So what do we choose as the new thing? Because I don't think Arby's can get out of the shadow unless we choose something else to put in the shadow. Okay, so we got to say something else that's going to be our go to for, I mean, I think Subway kind of is. Subway, yeah. Subway's pretty good. Hey, you know what? That's a good, that's a happy outcome of the sandwich tournament because Subway had some pretty subpar outings.

And Subway got substituted. So yeah, so it absolutely does not, you know, it's sub, I'm so hungry, I could eat at Subway. That'll be the new thing to say. Who's the, who's the mayor of comedy? Is it, is it like Bob Odenkirk? Jeff Garland? Jeff Garland, right. Jeff Garland, yeah.

Are you sure? Like a CG Garland. No, no, no, it's Jeff Garland. It's a combination of Jeff Garland and George Garland. That's who it is. Mixed together. Yeah, that's who it is. That's best.

Hey, did you ever notice that I have wavy hair? Here's the type of cheese you can't eat with someone. Anyways. Oh, okay. I was thinking of the roast master general. I'm sorry. Oh, you think it's Jeff Garland? You're thinking of Jeff Ross.

I was thinking of Jeff Ross. That was my rocks. But you know, Jeff Garland does have wavy hair. Yeah, he does have wavy hair. Why are we saying the CGI from, what's the show? Why is the Goldbergs? That's, that's right. He's being CGI to the show now.

If you watch some of the Goldbergs. Susser just said that was really good, Mitch, and it was good. I thought it was good. Anyways, I just want to check something with Stern Daddy. Yeah. Um, so silly. He's been brought in here. It's a big star.

Stern Daddy, you can go, you can go. I just, I want, I want to check something with Stern Daddy. I just want to see, I want to check something with Stern Daddy. 9-11 happened. 9-11 happened. Phew. We're not getting anything. I was afraid he was going to pop up as a too silly when I said.

So that's good. So he's, he's accepted the share narrative. Apply it here. I see. He's good. He's good. He's good, guys. He's good.

Cause you know, sometimes you're talking to people. Man talking to people. Man is made of six gears. Man has six gears, not seven like you've heard. He believes it. He believes, he also believes this. It's true. It's true.

Yeah. Man has six gears. Prove us wrong. Anyway, Arby's eliminated. I'm sorry, Nick, that Arby's is eliminated. It's okay. No, I've, I, I've made peace with it already. I'm, I'm, I'm upset.

I don't think Capriati's deserves to be here. But we're going to, but hey, it, it, it is here, whether I like it or not, as we continue much madness 2022, the tournament champions heroes journey suboptimal for the finals, which will be Arby's versus Capri, not Arby's. Capriati's versus Jersey Mike's. Arby's out of there. The finals are Capriati's versus Jersey Mike's head to head only one can win.

Here are the rules. Rule number one, sandwiches only, side stay on the sidelines, drinks are in the stink. Chips get the slip, cookies are oaky, soups off. Rule number two, we are in a pickle. Pickles are eligible. Rule number three, if it's national, it's rational. Chains must have locations across the U S, including the greater LA area, which means wah wah, nah nah, publics more like privates.

Sheets, you're going in the wash, you're too crusty. D'Angelo, D'Devil, no. Cousins subs, you're out of the family. This also excludes LA chains that aren't national, like Togo's or Lee's sandwiches. Rule number four on that note, I like Ike and that's a problem. Due to personal conflicts, Ike's loving sandwiches is recused from the competition. Rule number five, some heroes are self-made. Sandwich customization is encouraged.

Rule number six, we run hot and cold. You get one hot sandwich and one cold sandwich from each eatery. Rule number seven, you can request extra napkins. And rule number eight, added by Jen D'Angelo, not D'Angelo sandwiches, which is not eligible, our guest Jen D'Angelo. If a chain has sliders, you can get a slider and decide if it's good enough that it would be that chain's mascot. So for instance, if Arby's was still in the tournament,

we could say the Buffalo chicken slider from Arby's could maybe be a good Arby's mascot, but it's not eligible anymore, so that's mood. Oh, Jesus Christ. On to Cabreraudies. Eight simple rules for doing munch madness. Eight simple rules for munching my madness. All right, so we got all these sandwiches, and we're really going to go sandwich by sandwich and do those eight rules.

Let's start chain by chain. We don't necessarily need to go through to litigate each particular bullet point here. We can just sort of talk to each other. Hold on a second, I'm going to check something on Stern Daddy again. Hillary Clinton drinks the blood of children. Damn. Oh, wow. Okay, but see, I don't consider that silly.

Stern Daddy's on the right side of history, I guess. I think it's because Stern Daddy sees Q as competition. So he's like, no, I'm kind of doing my own thing. Yeah, Stern Daddy's like a new Q. Yeah. I think if you start saying that dangerous conspiracy theories are silly, you're deluding that they could be completely toxic to the Republic. Like, we're just going to say, like, oh, yeah, hey, Biden actually didn't win.

He was appointed by Congress. That's too silly. Like, no, that's an actual theory that a lot of people have. Wow, he does mean it's too silly. Well, there you have it. Maybe one technique is you can. The earth is flat. No, he believes it.

He believes the earth is flat. But see, this is a thing because too silly doesn't necessarily gauge whether he believes in or doesn't believe in something because he could say too silly in terms of like, that's factual, but I also think that is inherently silly. Or he could also say that I disagree with that and I'm calling the notion of it laughable. Well, I just laughed right there when you said laughable. Yeah, so maybe it's just the sound of a word that comes along. Maybe that's it.

All right. Why is Weigar in the, I mean, why is Susser in the comments saying my jokes were really good? Get the fuck, get out of here. What are you doing? I think it's because he's the only one in your corner, dude. Can you boot him out? I mean, we could, but oh, Stern Daddy does hate conspiracy theories.

Is that good? Okay, he hates them. He hates them and thinks they're silly. Mm. Mike and I have such a soft spot in our heart for Oliver Stone and his 1991 masterpiece, JFK, and he had a documentary on Showtime come up and wait a minute. Sorry, that's too silly. That's too silly.

Sorry, Stern Daddy. We think that Timey Lee Jones was an actual factual. On Oliver Stone's documentary, he goes, he goes, uh, this is not conspiracy theory. This is conspiracy fact. Yeah. He's switching it up, guys. He's using the words against us.

I love it. It's conspiracy fact, which is actually actual factual. Actual factual is a good song, guys. Hey, when are we going to do that shot for shot remake of a conspiracy theory where you and, where Nick and Mitch play the Mel Gibson character together? Right. Yeah. Mike and I play the Julia Roberts character together.

Yeah. We're going to kind of swap out scenes. I'm also going to play in the leads. Yeah. So some, some scenes we've heard off differently. Oh, I thought we were doing like a stuck on you thing. Like Siamese twins. Oh, because we all agreed.

That's a different way to do it. That's more ambitious. I like that. I like that more. Okay. We all went to that cabin in the woods and agreed that stuck on, I mean, it was a really good idea for a movie. Conspiracy theory means stuck on it. We all wanted to be in it.

Yeah. Does he regret Gatsby in that? Is that what he is always reading? Is the, is the, what is he? Catcher in the Rye. Catcher in the Rye, of course. The book that, isn't it? And that's kind of a book that a lot of crazy people have read, right?

Well, assassins have. I mean, I know a lot of people have read it. If that's what you're just trying to say. If you read it approximately 666 times, you turn quite twisted. Don't worry if you don't have a danger. But if I go higher on the quite twisted, Stern Daddy will come out. Yeah. That's right.

A little higher. A little higher. A little twisted. Twisted. He's there. That's, that lured him out. Like a duck car. Stern Daddy, I could keep looking at you.

Yeah. Told Draco Water. Daddy is the right word. Is Stern Daddy a DILF? Yeah, dude. He definitely has dead body. He's kind of a DILF. Stern Daddy has total Fauci vibes.

I'm like, uh, him. Oh, he's there. Fauci is too silly for him. He doesn't believe that science stuff. I want Fauci to give me an ouchie. I think, I think we said that once. Okay. Yeah, I think we did.

I said it to him once, I think. Yeah. How do you react? Do you like it? He slapped me across the face. Can I tell a quick story? You know, our, our, our buddy here, all four of us. And then X, not X, just was our bandmate, Harris Whittles.

Did he ever tell you the story about his class went to visit? They took a tour of Washington, D.C. And they stepped out on the steps. He was like in, Oh man. Sixth grade. This would have been like 95, 96, where Newt Gingrich had control of the house. Okay.

He steps out, the kids see him and Harris initiates them all going around him and going, Newtie, Newtie, Newtie. And he's like, what? And he starts laughing. He's like, okay. He just thinks it's funny that these kids are all coming over and chanting his name. Wow. Oh, that's so funny.

That's so fucking funny. He's like the forest gump of the 90s. Newt Gingrich. Yeah. Yep. He also was, what was the other big 90s event that He was in the back of OJ's white Bronco. Harris.

That's right. Yep. For this. And you know, what's funny, what's really crazy is when the white Bronco, this has nothing to do with Harris. But when that white Bronco chase was happening, I was watching the Flintstones in a movie theater. Isn't that crazy?

Wow. Isn't that so weird? That's so crazy. That's true. I just, I just heard this actually. Because Fred Flintstone drives a car with his foot. White Bronco, no foot. We're still okay.

Can you prove him wrong? Can you prove he wrong? Hey, hard to argue. Difficult to argue. White Bronco, no foot. Look, it's the same thing. I feel like Fred Flintstone and OJ Simpson have a lot of overlap. Oh, you know, if Fred Flintstone had gotten in trouble,

Barney would have been up front, running his little feet. Yep. And Fred Flintstone would have been in the back with a gun to his head. So he just keep, keep running Barney, keep running. Yeah. Well, Flintstones actually brings me to my Capriati's order, because I got my Capriati's order. They put it on the side of my car.

Why are you trying to turn it into food? I got my Capriati's order. They put it on the side of my car. My car flipped over. That happened? Yeah. Oh, wow. That's the best.

You're, is your car okay? Hey, stern daddy and pop up. It's real. It's real. That's how it works. Kind of best case scenario. If the car is fine, Siri popped up on my thing. Yeah.

Um, did your drinks spill? Spill. When the, yeah, did they spill when that happened? Uh, no. They didn't spill. Okay. Now stern dad is here. All right.

They spilled. They spilled. All right. There he's gone. There you go. He recognizes gravity. The power of gravity. Yep.

Yep. He'll recognize it. A Newton fan. Um. A fan of Newton falling back to earth. Anytime I see somebody like walking, and they're not floating up into the air, I go, oh, a fan of Newton I see.

Yeah. Somebody's familiar with the word of Sir Isaac Newton. I see. Not floating up in the air. Oh, flaunting your knowledge of Newton. Are we? You see, your stern daddy's back.

Wait, so hold on. So you're just saying this. Oh, stern daddy, not floating away. Are we? Must have learned of Newton. He's definitely anchored for the earth. So Paul, you're walking down the street,

and you're saying this just left and right to everyone you see basically? I'm constantly saying it's exhausting. It gives me a headache. It's tough. Paul has said he's just stopped walking altogether for this. It just takes too much time.

I wish we could all surround Newton and chant Newtie to him, just like Harris did back in the day. Oh, yeah. Newton and Newtie. Oh, that'd be great. Oh, that would be nice. Good girl thinking, bitch.

Good girl thinking. Well, hey, guess what? When we all go to hell and join them, we can circle around. We can circle around him and chant all the live long night. Because Isaac Newton said how for discovering gravity.

Oh, yeah, because he brought the demon in our lives. Science. Yeah. Yeah, bring science, bringing people away from. You know what I fear? When I go to hell, I just don't want the devil to put tits on my head

like he did to one of his servants. In Little Nicky. Why? Because you've seen it. That's true. Yeah. No, I know. I know what you're talking about.

Oh, yeah, I've seen that movie. I love Little Nicky. It's a big common fear. The Sandman's great. Sandman is great. We love the Sandman, but we're. We're going to put our viewers to sleep. We're going to put our viewers to sleep.

We're going to talk about sandwiches. We're going to talk about sandwiches. Oh, the sandwiches, man. The sandwich, man. That also works. Sandman, we're going to put our viewers to sleep. Man, we can be sandwich men. I don't know if there's been Adam Sandler discourse

on Doe Boys. I love Sandman. Yeah, we should get into it. We love the Sandman. Sandman. We love the Sandman. We love the Sandman. Thomas, so let's talk Capriottis.

Arby's has been eliminated. Capriottis, Jersey Mike's. Capriottis, I'll speed through mine. I got myself the impossible cheesesteak. Now, I like that they have an impossible option. And this one, by default, has American cheese, mushrooms, and onions. I added extra cheese and I added some mustard.

The roll was nice and soft. And I think the impossible meat was much better than I expected. I've always had impossible meat in a ground form factor, but having it in little strips slash chunks, it was pretty toothsome. I thought this was quite tasty. I also got the cold turkey, which was my cold sandwich. That's turkey, provolone, Russian dressing, which we hate.

We, that's bad now. We don't like Russian dressing. Russian dressing? Yeah, we call it a redum dressing. It's redum dressing. What? Because freedom, French fries became freedom fries. And so for Russia, it's redum.

It's redum. Redum dressing. Because that's why they're called freedom fries, because they're like, okay, French starts with F. What's another word that starts with F? Freedom. That was the logic there. It's the same thing here.

Russian, what's another word that starts with F? And then they were like, what's a word that starts with F? And then you should make the other word that starts with F. Well, you should make the other word start with the same letter as Putin. So it should be Russian dressing. Prize. Oh, yeah.

Prize. Okay, prize. So if they were Russian fries, they'd be prize. Got it. There's a guy who handcuffed himself to McDonald's over there. I, the one Russian man, and I actually think he's brave, the one Russian guy who wouldn't let McDonald's close. Did you see that, Wigs?

No. No, I didn't. They did close. Yeah, I didn't see about that. Yeah, they did. They, he had handcuffed himself to McDonald's. Wow. Because he didn't want it to close?

Yeah, I think so. I think that's what it was. And it's interesting that that was the actual grimace. What is the grimace? Oh my gosh. What did you say, Mike? He said that it was the actual grimace. We said the same exact thing.

GMTA. Grimace minds think alike. Everyone's got grimace on the brain. All right, Wigs, go ahead. Take it away. That's my fault. I said something about Russian dressing. I should have stayed on task.

It's a 10-minute tangent. That is your fault. It's my fault, fully my fault. Cold turkey, coleslaw, Russian dressing, coleslaw, and mayo. This was tasty, tasty sandwich. I mean, I'll say this. I don't necessarily like coleslaw in a vacuum, but coleslaw in a sandwich usually works pretty well for me.

Well, I meant like in general. I didn't mean like I'm vacuuming it up. Like in my Dyson. I meant like I just like I would have, if I just had a side of coleslaw, I don't necessarily be like like, oh, this coleslaw in isolation. Sure.

This isn't necessarily the thing, but use some coleslaw as a topping on a dog or a salmon. This was quite good. I like this one. I like it. Good, two winners. Yay, all right. Cool.

I, Wags, I got myself one of my favorite sandwiches. I got myself a medium hot Bobby, aka a gobbler. Wow. And they make it the right way. They make it with roast turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and mayo. And Wags, it was really, really, really good. It was fantastically good. Look, Usong introduced Capriotti's into this tournament,

and it had a great outing for me. I thought it was very, very good. That's true. I also got, I wasn't supposed to do this, but I got a half meatball, which is marinara provolone and grated romano cheese. It was good. And then also I got a half tuna sub,

which comes with lettuce tomato and like, like herbs and maybe some dressing, some olive oil and some vinegar or something. So you got four sandwiches? I got three sandwiches. That's three. Okay. Also some cool ranch Doritos and a diapepsi and a chocolate chip cookie.

Anyway, the sandwiches were all good. The tuna sandwich, the cold subs, when I compare it to like Jersey Mike's, the competitor, the tuna sub at Jersey Mike's is just, is done better. But that hot Bobby is maybe the best sandwich I had all tournament. Hmm. Even, you're saying even more so than the Arby's fish sandwiches, which for me were my favorites.

The Arby's fish sandwiches were great, but I think that that was one of my favorite. Wow. I think that was my favorite sub. Wow. Your favorite sub is from Capriotti's. That's, that's fascinating. And that's a big deal.

Big deal. That's huge. Cassidy, Paul, you guys had three different sandwich chains today. One of them we're not going to be talking about because it's been eliminated, but let's start with Capriotti's. Yeah. Mike and I, we split our sandwiches. So we, we both have the same ones.

Yeah. And he started on one end and I started eating on the other end. Yeah. Lady and the Tramp style until we were lip to lip. Okay. The stern daddy appeared. It was truthfully though, it was like Lady and the Tramp because by the time we got to the end of the sandwich and our lips touch,

our bodies like went through this like transformation where we turned into like cell animation. It was crazy. What? No, no, no, no daddy. No. Honestly, this was like a true avatar moment. It was.

And it sounds like sci-fi, but more and more sci-fi is reality and we all know that. Okay. Get on board. Video games is real life. Okay. So we split our sandwiches. That part is undeniable. We had these sandwiches from Arby's.

We're not going to talk about it. We had the Capriotti's classic Italian medium 10 inch. And then for the hot, we had a classic cheese steak. Yeah. Wow. You know what? I never have a cheese steak sandwich ever, never, never in my life. But I will say all the sandwiches that were laid out on the table.

That the Jersey Mike's famous Philly, the cheese steak sandwich, like I kept going back to that sandwich over. Wow. And over for bites. And it was like this thing of like, oh, I get to be have like this Paul Hollywood experience of like, oh, we have all these sandwiches. Let's slice them up and see what's what. Right.

Paul, what about you, man? Where'd you fall on the, on the Capriotti's scale? Yeah. Can we, is it Capriotti's talk or Jersey Mike's talk? We're in Capriotti's country at the moment. We're in Capriotti's country. Okay, then over Jersey Mike's the second. Yeah.

So I would say I preferred, I liked them both. The thing with the Capriotti's, the cold sandwich was, well, that was the one to use Mike's parlance, the one I kept coming back to. I thought, oh, the meat's tasted so fresh. Oh, I loved all the flavors. And of all the sandwiches we ate, it was the one that tasted for me, like the most authentic, deli tasting sandwich. Wow.

Yeah. Wow. The other ones tasted like stuff I could maybe make at home myself, but this one tasted like the real deal. Wow. Why is there going to be a gigantic upset with Capriotti's? We don't know. We're not, we're still discussing obviously.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I will say hearing all this, I believe now even more firmly that Arby's should still be in this and Capriotti's should be out. What the hell? What? I think that Arby's belongs in the finale.

I think Arby's should be one of the two finalists. Okay, bring it in. Because here's the thing. Your boss, we have not discussed the real issue with Capriotti's, Mitch. Yeah. Ghost kitchens. We are talking about a chain that has expanded its national footprint via ghost kitchens. Guess what?

Which as we know, yes. That's why I drove to a real Capriotti's, you piece of shit. So did I. So did I. I drove to Chatsworth, California. And you know what? How much is a Chatsworth? We're throwing the Moment House $15.

Jesus. Oh my goodness. All right, this show's good. Wow, yay. Yay. Show is worth it. We did it. Hooray.

Hooray. Stern dad's here, but he's laughing. He's laughing it up. He's laughing it up. That's very good. He cracked his milder. His glasses fell off and he's got a ponytail. Stern daddy's got a wavy gravy ponytail.

Letting his hair down. Stern daddy's cool. The dean is the new frat guy. Stern daddy. Stern mommy just came into the picture and now they're going at it. All right, Stern daddy. Yeah, they both got horny. Oh, they're getting horny.

Oh, they're getting it all. Oh, good shit. Guys, it's one of those parties where we're lucky to watch a couple have sex. Right, and all of them look as if they've got masks. It's one of those parties, but we usually have them during the summer. Summer's a good season for the mass storgy. You know, it's interesting. I've noticed when we don't do them as much anymore,

but when we used to have those parties where we all get in a circle and we'd watch a couple have sex. Yeah. Do you ever notice this half the time we knew the couple and the other half the time we'd have no idea who the couple was? So funny that it would end up. That was fun. Paul, that's why I would look over at you when I go.

Awkward. Yeah. Similar to the time when we didn't know the people. Yeah, when I would get a boner in front of all my friends, when we were watching a couple have sex, I'd go, awkward. Stern Daddy's back. But I would ejaculate in front of all my friends. While we were watching a couple have sex in front of us at a party, I'd go, awkward.

Yeah. Well, when you're jacking off, looking at the couple having sex, and you're like, I'm about to come, and then you lock eyes with your friend, who's also coming at the same time, and that's what you're looking at. And you both go, awkward. Stern Daddy's back. Oh, he's finished. Now he's back to business.

He's got a little smile on the crack of his mouth. There's a little bit of cum hanging from his ear. Now we know what it's from, Paul. Paul, we figured it out. Then Stiller was coming through all the Meet the Parents movies. And every scene he's coming. Sometimes when we were surrounding couples that were fucking, we'd sometimes chant Newt as well.

That's true. Newtie. Yes. Newtie. Newtie. Newtie. Newtie. Newtie.

Newtie. Newtie. Well, should we bring Arby's back in? Someone in the chat called the bald deflator? No. Wait, so how do you do that? You just get to throw Arby's back in the mix? That's that.

No, it's fine. I'm just better. You went to Chatsworth, California. I don't love that we're rewarding Ghost Kitchens by saying that Capriottis, who's expanded their brand, by use of that device, that we're saying that that's a good thing. We like that Ghost Kitchens are thriving. You just wanted Arby's to win.

I do want Arby's to win. Absolutely. Not flying under a false flag. Well, it's not gonna. It's too late. I know it's not gonna win. I don't like rewarding Capriottis. What if Weiger was testing us on the private chat going like,

all I need, all I need are three votes, three votes for Arby's. Okay. Just you get it? I don't know what you're gonna do, but you just got to look for the three votes. The three votes for Arby's. People in this chat are saying, bring, they're saying stop the steal, according to Amelia and also. Hey, they came up with it.

They came up with that. That's people came up with that. People are calling the ball deflator of podcasts. Chubbs called me the ball deflator of pot. What does that mean? Like Brady, I'm a cheater or I'm just not funny. I deflate the room. Either way, he's right.

I think it's meaning it literally like your balls are deflating. So wait, Arby's is not back in. No, Arby's is out. Arby's is out. Now, will there be a gigantic upset of Capriati's over Jersey Mike's? That is the question, Mike's. I'll be very upset if that's true. Weiger, give me some stats here.

Maybe I shouldn't let this color. I get Arby's is off the table, but how national is Capriati's? It has enough of a footprint. It's a top 10 chain in terms of locations nationwide as a sandwich shop. So this isn't some coastal shit. I mean, I know what the rules were. No, although I think it's just, you look, Capriati's is fine. It executes its concept to a degree of competence.

But what are we doing here? You don't like it. We're going to reward fucking Capriati's? We're going to say that we've got, hey, you know what? You want to have this conversation, Mitch? For the rest of your life. Oh, you guys do that much madness. Oh yeah.

Hey, what won the sandwich here? Oh, Capriati's. Oh, Capriati's. It's a real chain. Nick, what you just said, Nick, Nick, what you just said actually truly did affect my feelings and it was touching. And all I have to say is shut the fuck up. Arby's is eliminated.

It's Capriati's versus Jersey Mike's. It's over, it's over. Fine. Arby's is back in. Bring Arby's back. Arby's is back in. So from Arby's, I got the classic crispy chicken sandwich and the creamy Mediterranean chicken wrap.

I meant to get the fish sandwich. In fact, I ordered the classic fish sandwich. It's the only fish sandwich I hadn't had yet, but they gave me the chicken sandwich instead. That said, this was still, this was just like a very solid, you know, a chain sandwich. Every chain has a version of this. This is like the Burger King one, like that sort of little,

which I like, which is good. I do like that it has lettuce and tomato instead of just the standard pickles and spread that we're getting for a lot of these chains. The Mediterranean chicken wrap was quality. I mean, it's like a good quality chicken in there. And I think that the veggies here are really good. We'll talk about veggies when we get into the thick of it,

but I think the meats and veggies are a place where Arby's really, really shines. We're an hour and a half into the podcast. No, no, no, no, we've barely begun. We've barely begun. Everyone say your Arby's thoughts and go right into Jersey Mike's, okay? And then we'll get to the,

then we'll get to the fucking finish line. We'll be done with this shit. I talked about my Arby's and it was, and it was good and, but I will say that the let down was the sandwich that was cold, the colder sandwich. I'm actually going to go to my fridge and get it right now because I put it in the fridge. Okay, Mitch is standing up.

Mitch is walking away. My Arby's thoughts, I really like that. I had the, Mike and I had the turkey ranch for the cold sandwich, turkey ranch and bacon, excuse me. And I love that. And surprisingly, yeah, I really loved it. It reminded me, it brought me back to the days of getting a BLT sandwich at Subway

that I used to really love. And it just, when I said it was no slagging on it, it just tasted like a really good sandwich you could make at home, which I guess is what the surprising, appealing part of it coming from Arby's. Yes, that's what's great about it. I will say that I don't dislike Arby's.

I used to eat it like a lot more in my youth in Iowa, but turkey ranch and bacon sandwich, I took a lot of bites of that sandwich. And not all of these sandwiches, that was true. The smoked, the brisket sandwich that we got, much less so. The one with like, it had onion rings on it and a bunch of like, Arby's seems to be like, maybe closest to the beginning of that pile of meat era

of fast food, of like, show a commercial of a big huge pile of meat, like Mitch is eating right now. Mitch is taking a bite of some wraps right now. Yeah, I mean, the smoked brisket was a little too much for me, but I did like that too, turkey ranch and bacon. For me, personally, yeah, I like, I don't like sandwiches to kind of be unwieldy when you're holding them. I think part of the thing that's great about a sandwich

is you can hold it and like, walk with a friend while you eat it. But yeah, so that from Arby's, the smoked brisket, it was just too big. One bite was just like, so much food. It's true. Paul, we shared bites of it in my driveway, as a matter of fact, today. We shared bites of this smoked brisket. And a bird kept trying to come down and take bites.

Yeah. And then the bird said, hey, I'm actually your dad. He said that. He said, well, who are we to question a bird talking to us right now? I think it was one of those Aesop's fables we had walked into. I think it was Aesop's fables at Stern Daddy just in here. Must have been an Aesop's fables. Stern Daddy.

I guess he thinks the fable and Aesop's fables are silly. Hey, Aesop, how about you tell me something real for once, you know? Finally, take him to task. What is he? A scorpion riding on the back of a turtle. I mean, tell me something real. Aesop, this is bullshit. Just tell me something real.

Yeah. Cut it to make daddy was like one of those older parents who are like really like religious and aren't friends with any of the other parents and is like, you can't read Aesop's fables because it's all lies. You guys have families like that at your school? No. Aesop, I'll tell you the vaccination will save you.

I had one friend who like it was like a no TV family. So that's always like a weird kid. But then I had another friend who was the his parents were, his mom was like evangelical, was like very, very Christian. And so there was a lot of that. You told me this before the kid who grew up with no TV ironically grew up to be Ed Sullivan. That was what was weird.

But he was always as a kid. He was always saying a really big shoe. He's got his catchphrase. Stir daddy, come on. Stir daddy, come on. They're beautiful. Nick was doing his Ed Sullivan impression. It was my childhood chum.

I was sharing a precious memory. It was a chum. It was a chum. Weigur, weigur, we're in a really big sandbox today. What? Jersey Mike's. The ages match up. Yeah, Jersey Mike's.

Jersey Mike's. I got the grilled portobello mushroom in Swiss, which was fantastic. I was blown away by how good this hot sandwich that was completely veggie because I've had a lot of hot veggie sandwiches and they're just a murky mess. They're just a mash of wet, hot, and an absence of flavor. They're just a wet, hot, and an absence of flavor.

Go on. Reminds me of my wetting night. Got it. Portobello mushrooms, green bell peppers, onions, and Swiss cheese. I added some extra cheese, which I like to do to the melts. Jersey Mike's already had a really good cold veggie sandwich. I was blown away by how good their hot veggie sandwich was,

which is a relatively recent addition to the menu. I also got myself a tuna fish. Their tuna's got celery and mayo and pepper in it. It's pretty simple. I got it my way, added cheese, mayo, and cherry pepper, relish because I'm someone of a heat seeker. And let me say this, I think Firehouse's tuna is a little bear.

Firehouse. Oh, Firehouse is not the term. But I'm just talking like Firehouse is tuna. If I'm talking about the best tuna I've had this tournament, I think their tuna salad is a little better than Jersey Mike's. But that said, this was a well-composed sandwich. This was, if I wanted something lighter for lunch, this absolutely would get the job done.

Very solid tuna sandwich. Mr. Slice of Bread, what did you get for your Jersey Mike's? Wags. I went to Jersey Mike's. I'm going to tell you my sides first because none of these count. I got a bag of flaming hot Kouran's Doritos, which were fun. Back to the Kouran's. Love it, buddy.

Flaming hot Kouran's. A brownie. I got myself a diet Pepsi. And then here we go here. And also, I was going to say this for last, but I got a tasty cake Wags. Everyone likes tasty cakes. I got a butterscotch crimpets.

Butterscotch crimpets. Tasty cake. And it was pretty good. And when I ordered. Oh, did Jeeves get it to you? I asked Jeeves for a butterscotch crimpet and he delivered. And I ordered myself Wags. A mini stickball special.

A stickball. Oh, hey, let's have a little mini stickball special. That's what I had. Hey, I'll play stickball here in Brooklyn. I'm playing stickball. Hey, come on. I'm playing stickball special. Hey, Ma, I'm going to play with a hoop and a stick

and then I'm going to play some stickball. Ma. Hey, Jersy Mike. I'm going to play stickball, Ma. Hey, so daddy will have a new piece of my stickball. All my life, I've wanted to play stickball with Jersey Mike. And one day I got my wish. That's how that's how a Bronx.

That's the that's the opening to a Bronx tale. Yeah. All my life, I wanted to play stickball with Jersey Mike. And at the end, he's like, I tried to go to get an Italian sandwich. It was like white bread with vinegar. What? What does he say? To the end, to the end of this.

It's like it turns to the end of Goodfellas. It's like noodles. Okay. It goes from a Bronx tale. To Goodfellas. And then in the end, it says, I hope you enjoyed Carlitos Way. It's a good movie. What a crazy, silly movie.

A Bronx tale is. I got a weird stickball special. When I only ever knew of one bronc. So the fact that they did a tale about two of them. Oh, my God. Third daddy, you like that. You just didn't like how it. He likes multiple Bronx.

Oh, shit. They gave me Jersey Mike. They gave me noodles with ketchup or something. He said something. Yeah, that's what it is. Yes. It's something with ketchup. Egg noodles with ketchup.

Egg noodles with ketchup. The mini stickball special is provolone. Ham and salami. Mike's way. Add, you know what Mike's way is? We don't have to repeat it. Tomatoes, lettuce, onions, and bunch of bullshit sauces. Add banana peppers.

Add pickles. Add cherry pepper. Because add cherry pepper, because I'm a bit of a heat seeker. On white, but they gave it to me on. They gave it to me on wheat. It was good. It was really good. I liked it, Nick.

And it brought me back to my days of playing stickball. Behind the school with Mike's and the boys. I love Jersey Mike's. Jersey Mike's. The rest of the crew. And I also got from my hot sub. I got a Buffalo chicken cheesesteak. That comes with Frank's red hot sauce, lettuce tomato,

white American cheese, and chicken and blue cheese dressing. And I really liked it. Why is it was a medium? Maybe I don't know what size it was. Maybe it was only one size. I have no idea. Small. I don't know who knows.

Who cares? It was good. It was very good. I also, I was going to say that I have had now a cheesesteak. A chicken cheesesteak from Capriotti's and a chicken cheesesteak from Jersey Mike's. And Jersey Mike's does make a better chicken cheesesteak. I'm not saying that overall Jersey Mike's is better. And also, I want to say that I don't think the chicken wraps from Arby's are that great.

I mean, they have a weird, I've said it all tournament long. You're fucking good. They have a weird chicken sitting in water taste. But I liked the other tastes in that wrap. Anyways. When you came over to my house and you drank that water that a chicken was sitting in, you loved it. I remember this.

Now it's a bad day there. Hey, stern daddy. That's real. You piece of shit. That's real. That happened. That was there. Oh yeah.

We'll drink the chicken water. When you drink that water, you said, not enough feathers. You said, you said not enough feathers. I can't taste the beak. I can't taste the beak. I said, not enough feathers. What's the point of chicken water if you can't taste the beak? I said, not enough feathers.

And I burped and feathers flew out of my mouth. Yeah. Like how many feathers? From an earlier chicken you had devoured whole. So you don't like that, Arby's. So that's what partly maybe why you didn't want to get it back in the night. That's why I got eliminated. I think Arby's is great.

Arby's. I think Arby's is great. And I think that it did great. Why? Because it would get the heart of a champion maybe. It's in contention for it. But it just, I think these other two are great subspots. What were you going to say about the chicken, me drinking the chicken water?

You had something there. Oh, well, no, it's just right when you said armies is great. You went armies, Arby's. That's so ironic because right before we started recording, you were going on and on about how much you hate the army. Yeah. I remember that. Turn daddy's here.

But we were all- What did you say, the people who serve? All those who serve. You don't like the troops. I like the wars. I don't like the troops. That's how I always felt about it. And you said army, but you generalize it to all armed forces.

Yeah. And then I went off on a tangent on how I love Army Hammer. I'm a big supporter of his. But why? You do like Army Hammer. What were you going to say about the chicken water wags? Oh, I have the moment past. Okay.

Well, and do you love, like, you don't love the army, but you love the soup that gets served to the army. Yeah. I was going to say when you copped up a feather, you'd be like, I had a dream that I ate a big turkey dinner, and then you could woke up and your pillow was missing. Yeah. That's what I was going to say.

That's fun. It's not, we don't need to, we didn't need to relitigate it. We could have just moved on. Hey, as long as we're going back, Nick, when you said Jersey Mike's tuna fish, I was going to say kind of ironic, huh? Because I'm sure there's been a guy named Jersey Mike who's wanted people to sleep with the fishes.

Yeah. I like this. They're all mobsters. They're all mobsters. I'm wearing a Bobby Bacala t-shirt as we record. Let's talk about the, that's true. Let's talk about Jersey Mike's. Yeah.

Jersey Mike's. All right. So we split a couple of sandwiches here. Yeah, we got the original Italian. Yeah. And then we also got the Mike's famous filly. Yeah, the Mike's famous. And you know what?

These, I already spilled this a second ago. This was the sandwich I kept coming back to was this Jersey Mike's. And I'm not like a cheesesteak guy by any stretch. The Italian was good too. The bread was good. The meat was good. It was so flavorful.

I very much liked both of these sandwiches. Wow. Paul? Wow. I like both sandwiches as well. The original Italian I preferred because I just out of all the sandwiches, I thought I had the best ratio of foods. Like it was all really good.

It was the opposite of unwieldy. Such beautiful simplicity it had. The Jersey Mike's subs were put together well. The steak one was like that too. I felt like there was enough meat, but it wasn't like, I had to like grab it off of my hands while I was eating it. It was all in there. Very, yeah.

And I would say overall, when there was a long stretch, where if I got a sub, I was going to Jersey Mike's because I do like there. So all of these establishments, I have fondness for. Yeah. I'd also call it maybe Flossy Mike's because I had to floss my teeth three times today, guys, from these sandwiches.

Flossy Mike's. Flossy Mike's. And then if we have to change it to Flossy Mike, they have to change the state to New Flossy. Oh, that is true. That's going to get real complicated. This man's going to be the laughing stock of the states. The red tape.

The red tape. Well, Mitch, I think it already is a lot of times in a way that's not fair. Sometimes a punchline about the United States. Kind of the RBS of states. It's the same principle ever. It's used as a punching bag. But you know what?

Or Florida. It's got, or Florida. That's the other one. There's a lot of people in those states who go, hey, come on, guys, let's be nice. Hey, sleep with the fishes. Be chill, dude. Sleep with the fishes.

Not too bad if you're Tom Hanks in 1984. Am I right? Yeah, pretty cool if that fish turns out to satisfy you in a human way. His film, Splash, is the reference. His film, Splash, he falls in love with a mermaid played by Daryl Hammond. I didn't look that up on my phone, Wigs.

No, you didn't. He had an anecdote on Bill Simmons' podcast about that. I think it was that he read a bad review of it of Splash, and it really upset him. It could be wrong. Or maybe it was the movie he did before Splash. But it was like that era where it's like, you don't have the echo chamber of just all of social media

or critical consensus. You don't even have like a rotten tomatoes. It's before all that. It's just like, that one review he'd happen to read said something about how, or I think maybe didn't mention him. Said the movie was good or bad, and then didn't mention him at all. Yeah, and he was like, it didn't mention my scales

once in that entire review. Because that's the subtext of the film that he has to do. I love Splash. We had it on just taped off a TV. My two sisters and I watched it all the time, watched Splash around the clock. It was the first time I got to see a butt in a movie. And then Disney Plus, I found out I heard

I didn't check for myself. I just heard they took out the butt. Guys, we got to check out this tonight. Well, don't look for a butt. Round the clock, round the clock, round the clock Splash. First time I saw a butt in a movie was Meryl Streep's butt in Don't Look Up, just recently. You know what's interesting when they show that on HBO Max,

or I'm sorry, on Netflix. When they show that on Netflix, different from the theater, they actually added an extra butt crack. So she's got three seats. Okay. All right. That's what I am. That's what I am.

That's how Netflix, it's true. No, Weigar. That's how Dune gets these special effects awards. They add these extra butt cracks, and that's how they sweep these awards. Weigar, if you go to the IMDb alternate versions for Don't Look Up, there's actually three versions. There's the her butt is out, the one with an extra butt,

and the third one, the extra butt has a little turd continuously dropping out of it. Yeah. Yeah, it's like an NFT of a constantly dropping turd from Streep's ass. Like a dripping of a faucet. It's honestly priceless. Jar Jar walks by and steps in it. Oh, Sticky Doodle. Sticky Meryl Streep Doodle.

Anyway, I saw the movie and I think I retained what was important about it. Well, as long as you got that piece. No, Weigar. Weigar, what are you doing? No, Weigar. No, Weigar. No, no. I was looking up and then Stern Dad appeared.

Stern Dad is here. Stern Dad, it looks like he can't look up. I think his head is maybe locked in that position unfortunately. All right, Weigar. Yes. We've wasted everyone's time. This has gone on for far too long. People who paid for this are upset that it's gone so long.

Sorry. We wasted time. I think the sub places put an ordinate amount of spices on our sandwiches. Yeah. I thought that the amount of time was right too. Stern Daddy doesn't pop up for that. There was a lot of oregano on these sandwiches. Stern Daddy.

Have we had a hundred yet? Stern Daddy just doesn't make sense. Stern Daddy's asleep at the stern. Stern Daddy wasn't paying attention. He's asleep at the stern. We've bored Stern Daddy to the point where Stern Daddy is no longer paying attention. Put on his nightcap. Well, you know what they say.

When Stern Daddy's asleep, the church mice will creep. Okay, so it's down to Capriotti's and Jersey Mike's. Yes, yes, yes. But Mitch, before we get to the winner of the Dave Thomas cup, we have another pit of business to get to. We have something very, very important we have to do. Very important. Very serious.

And this is the thing that happens every tournament. Yeah. So what? Well, I'll tell you what's that. It's like Lil' John. Lil' John pops on and he asks what and then we answer him. I'll tell you what Lil' John. It's, we give out another word, the heart of a chompion.

That's right. The heart of a chompion recognizes one individual brand or things special contribution to the TJ's, to the tournament of champion, chompions rather. I said TJ's because I was thinking about BJ's Pazooking, which won previously. Grimace was a previous winner. Our friend, Armin Weitzman won the heart of a chompion one year for his

contributions to the tournament. Look, people are asking, is it going to be Arby's? Is it going to be Bon Mise? Drop King asked if it's going to be Bon Mise. Bon Mise is a good, good, good pitch. Arby's a good pitch. Eliminated them from the tournament. Soup is one.

Soup was off, but you know what? We've seen that soup is valuable here. Hot dogs, of course. Hot dogs are sandwiches. I think hot dogs are eligible. Let's not relitigate this one. Hot dogs are sandwiches. Going there, disagree.

Chris Rock for demonstrating his first amendment rights. There's a lot of choices it could be. Also by Toilet Broke. During Munch Madness, so my broken toilet is eligible. Your toilet was in the running for a long time. Too many shits. That's what he said. That's what he said, and then he hanged himself.

He was grisly. Yeah, it wasn't like the toilet crumbled. It was hanging from the ceiling. Yeah. I've heard of hanging chads, but hanging toilets. Wags. Political. Wags, you got in the bathroom and the top part of the toilet

was blue, right? The bottom part was still white. Yeah, that's why I knew it wasn't breathing. And you tried to give it mouth to mouth and resuscitate it? I tried to. Oh, guys, I was thinking this. Sorry, when you were watching the Oscars, did it make you a little sad that you knew Jeffrey Epstein couldn't be watching?

Definitely. I mean, I was hoping he'd be turned up in the end memoriam. But you know. It's weird that he wasn't there. They're like, we forgot. We forgot. So we're going to make up for it and show three photos of Jeffrey Epstein. Three mid-death photos.

That wasn't a joke about how Jeffrey Epstein has connections with Shobin. It was just a joke about how he, he's a fan of the Oscars. I'm sorry. And he runs some of that stuff. But Wags, sure, when you, when you were giving mouth to mouth to the toilet, you, you were giving mouth to mouth. Yeah, you resuscitated this blue toilet. Jesus Christ.

There's a log hanging out of your mouth. Fuck. It's vile. I don't even like to think about that. Hey you! You craving fresh, delicious, easy meals? Try wild grain and get their bake from frozen sourdough breads, fresh pastas, and artisanal pastries delivered right to your door.

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Free croissants in every box and $30 off your first box when you go to wildgrain.com slash doughboys. That's wildgrain.com slash doughboys, or you can use promo code doughboys at checkout. Do it. All right, here we go. Wags, this year, Wags, I think you should announce the heart of the champion. It's someone that I've given a hard time to in the past. That's true, Mitch. You are known for criticizing a particular group of people.

That's right. But you know what? This group of people have given us some important contributions to all of Sandwichdom, the Meatball Sub, the Italian Cold Cut Combo, and of course, Panini. Mitch, this year's heart of a champion goes to Italians. Italians. Yeah. Italians.

The Italians. This is a serious thing. A serious thing. I've given Italians a hard time. We feel like this heart of the champion award will, yeah, moron. Moron indeed. The Italians, when they're going to get there, they do respect Wags here. That's right.

And who is accepting the award? Mitch, accepting the award on behalf of all Italians, the president of the Italian Anti-Defamation League, please welcome Luigi Genaro. Wow, Luigi. Welcome to the party. Oh, no. I'm Luigi. Welcome to Italy.

Wow. Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Is my mic on? Yeah. Yeah, we can hear you loud and clear. Luigi, congratulations. Oh, no.

Buongiorno. Buongiorno. The Italian villa on the Amalfi Coast. Wow, beautiful. Picture S. Can you see the ocean? It's beautiful. I can only see your wall, but I mean, probably the wind out the window.

The ocean. See it? That's my window. Oh, got it. It's a small window. That small window, yeah. That's the Amalfi Ocean. Sheer mustache in your arm.

What? Mr. Genaro. Buongiorno, it is a pleasure to be here. It's me, Luigi. Wow. Yes. Luigi, I have to ask you. Luigi, the head of the president of the Italian Anti-Defamation League.

That's right. I know you've been dealing with a lot of crude stereotypes of Italians that you probably have to see depicted in the media. I know. It's attainable. The way that you treat the Italians on your podcast, it's like there's some kind of a cartoon to you. It's not.

It comes across that way sometimes. But that's not how we feel. That's not it at all. Okay, but as a head of the Italian Anti-Defamation League, I have all my researchers come and, you know, a lot of the anti-Italian haters strayed back through this podcast. This very, very, barely, and listenable podcast. I don't listen to it, but I don't listen to podcasts.

You know who listened to it? My nephew who's going to college in America. That's exciting. It's nice. Is he turning you on to a cool new podcast? No. Well, he tried, but I don't know how to listen. I am an old man.

You can tell from my gray hair and the mustache. I do not know how to work at computer. I had to have him FaceTime into me and show me how to do this. It's an extreme yard. I just learned Zoom. Yeah. That proves you're old that you had to do this from a similar. Emma was a hell for the two.

Luigi, Luigi, you know, just like Chris Rock, I was just, you know, when I make jokes about Italians, I'm just trying to make my heart of jokes. He could have been killed. He could have been killed. I think that I'm just trying to make light jokes and I wasn't trying to offend Italians, but Italians have had a tough year.

Is that right? We've had a very tough year. What with the house of Gucci and Chris Pratt being cast as a Mario. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's tough.

I would say that Italy right now is probably, has it worse than any other country in the Europe right now. Oh, yeah. Oh boy. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I think we all agree. I think all of America agrees.

It is just very, very bad. And is there anything that you're able to do? Everyone is crying. The streets are flooded with oily tears. Is there anything that helps you get through it? Luigi, like all this toil and trouble, like what helps you get through the day? Yes, thank you for asking.

A music, a song? Yes, a music. And every time I feel it down, I ride my vest but down to Venice and I hop on at the gondola and the man that pushed me down the stream and he sing a song to me. Wow, that's a normal day for you.

Oh, I know this. Yeah. Sophia from Godfather. Three, Sophia Coppola, Virgin Suicides. That's a beautiful old Italian song. Yeah, beautiful Italian song. It's gorgeous. I think Francis Ford Coppola's mom named him

after that old Italian song. That would make sense. It makes sense to me. What else, Luigi? I remember your mustache being quite black but it seems to be quite gray. That's how successful a year I had. Did you know at the beginning of a 2022,

I would have the blonde hair and the blue eyes. Wow. Then it turned completely black. Then it went gray. Next thing you know, I'd be a completely bald like an old cat. What a transformation. An old cat.

Yeah, just like an old cat. As we all know, when an Italian cat, right before he dies, all his hair fall out. And then it grows back gray. But do you know what our secret is? We put it in the pizza dough. Oh my God, that's disgusting. Oh my God, cat fur?

That's what makes it crunchy. Well, how is that your secret? What does that mean? It's your secret to make your secret out. Well, how do you think this is a secret to make your secret out? I don't know what it is. Wait, that doesn't help the age of the cat. It's just you make pizza for free.

Luigi, I dread the day while enormous hair falls out because I know that the end will be near. Are they Italian? I hope whatever happens. They're Italian, yeah, which also makes me guilty about going after Italians. Once you see it starting to fall out, you know, they do not have much time left on at this earth.

And you know now, Mitch, you got to get that hair into the pizza. I got to get the hair into the pizza. If you want to put it into the crust of one of your bar pizzas. I could. I could use it in the bar pizza. Luigi, are you? No, correct me if I'm wrong. You have a brother, right?

Or no? I do, Mario. He was on at the podcast previously. That's right, the head of tourism board. Yes, you remember him? Yes, actually not to offend you, but probably most of all. We remember Mario. That's OK.

I have not had the chance to make my mark on a door, boys. I don't know. You're doing it now. You're doing great. He said you are nice and he said that you were very welcoming to him. That's nice. He just said nothing but the nice things about you guys.

I however have a problem. Well, what's wrong? We're two fucking fatso's. The hell? Wow. All the crap you've been talking about the Italy, our tourism is down. We have, there's the price of olive oil is a skyrocketing. Oh, no.

That's tough. Tough for the economy. Seven dollars a gallon for the olive oil. Oh, no. That's really great. Three to one olive oil station in Italy. It's seven dollars a gallon to take the pump and pour it in your mouth. If you can get a gallon of olive oil for seven dollars,

I would, I would stack up right now, honestly. And I know that I know. In Italy that's high. In Italy that's high. That's probably what it is. Well, I'm trying to get them to convert to electric olive oil. Yeah. How was, yeah, how is that our fault?

How was tourism because we were too mean to Italians? You know how many listeners do you have? You started to slander a country. They go, I don't want to go there. Electric oil. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's complicated. You have to have a charging stations that press the olive oil.

I don't, it's too much. It is too much. Wow. I agree. You're a funny mookie. And, uh, well, you mean Luigi Genaro. Luigi Genaro. Luigi Genaro.

Yeah, this is Luigi. And they definitely know. I'll say it's definitely Luigi, but when you first came on, I was worried if you were going to be trying to harvest our droids from the way that your eyes and hair look. Oh, baby. I think you're broke up. I'm not here to say, but I'm sure it wasn't very nice.

No, it was not nice at all. And I'm glad it was, I was glad it was deleted, Luigi. Anything else that you can tell us about the pipes and turtles and shit? No, I just, I wanted to come on in the podcast and I know you invited me, but I wanted to use my platform to say, I love Italy so much. It is the country in which I lived, in which I was a born, in which all of my children and my family were born. And I just want to say how sad I am because I am so proud of my country.

And how sad I am, how, um, how you, um, um, um, sorry, my English is a bad, um, how you, um, you, uh, you, uh, talk so much as shit about us. I love you brought me here. Did it embarrass me further? Well, no, no, Mr. Gennaro, this is an outreach. This is a gesture, an olive branch, if you will, an olive branch, where we're giving you an award. We're giving Italians an award at the heart of a champion award.

The second most prestigious award we have here. Yes, all Italians for the contribution to sandwiches. Now, is there, now, Luigi, is there anyone you would want to thank for this award? You know, your Italian people, uh, you know, pasta, anything like that? First, you must thank God. That's right. That's true.

Yeah, we got it. You must thank God. That's true. Without him, there isn't nothing. There isn't no tomatoes. There isn't no cheese. There isn't no dough. Without the God, there isn't no olives.

That's true. That's true. Truly, Luigi. That's true. Not only is there no figs, but there isn't no fig leaf to cover Adam's cock and balls. That's a good point. That's right, Luigi.

Yes. Great point, Luigi. Luigi. First, we must thank God. Thank you, God. God, there's no olive leaf. Luigi, you're without the olive. We don't have the martini.

Great point. Without the martini, we don't have the t-shirt that says T-Many Martinis. That's a great shirt. Without God, we will. My nephew in America got me that for a Christmas last year. I wear it every day. It's so fun.

Yes, Luigi, that's true. Who else do I want to thank? I want to thank my wife. Oh, yeah. Who? There's a Mrs. Louie. Who is your wife? Who is?

Pictures. Names. Yeah, tell us about your wife. My wife's name is Maria Janado. Maria Janado. Keep her name out the fucking mouth. Okay, sorry. Wow.

Got it. Got it. Got it. We won't say, I won't say Maria. Hey, you know what, Luigi? And I want to thank my good friends, Mario Batali, Snooki,

and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Wow. Italian heroes. Italian royalty. I don't know if the news has traveled to Italy about Mario Batali, but you know what? God bless all of them. God bless all of them.

God bless you. God bless you. Luigi, you're one good Italiano. You're a good Italiano and you've changed my thoughts. All the Guido's out there. I love Italiano's now. Wow. Wow.

Luigi, you're a good Italiano. Luigi, I love you. I love you, Luigi. I'm going to use the bathroom real quick. Number one. I'll be right back. Okay. He's going away to use number one.

What are you doing that? He left the chat. He left the call. I don't know if that was a great move by Paul, but we'll see. Wow. What would he have to rejoin? You know, I just wanted to say. Amazon's on top of it.

Wow. Is this a bathroom break for Luigi? No, I'm here. No, Luigi's still here. This is a Paul. I only go to the bathroom once a week. It's just something about the way we eat here. Yes, that's true.

Italians, they live very long. A lot of starch. A lot of meat. We eat lots of starch and oil. And Italians are very much like- But they only pee and poo once a week. They're very vampiric. They live a very long time, but they love garlic.

Yes. Yes, yes. Now, you are not like the Irish. Yes, go on. Oh boy. What do you have to say about the Irish, Luigi? You caught beef and cabbage eating potato head. Oh, fuck you.

Wow, things were going so well. They turned to hostile. Italians versus Irish. I'm sorry, let's get him the fuck out of here. Get him the fuck out of here. Like eight Caesar in- No, hold on. Don't kick me out yet.

All right, all right. Explain yourself. How are you going to earn your way back into this now that you've disgraced the Irish? Eight Caesar in war for the planet of the apes. I cannot let go of my anger. If anybody saw that movie, you'll understand what I'm talking about. Yeah, no, great reference.

We all instantly understand your rage. I know you came here to make things right and give me in the war, but you'll make me so mad, Mr. Slice. I get it. Belfast was the most boring movie I ever seen. Wait, what was? Belfast. Oh, really?

Now, how do we get these guys to clasp hands together and hug? How do we get these guys to- It can happen right now, but I'm glad they're separated because right now I get worried that someone will get slapped with all those infected- And you know what? If I'm being talked about in each other's cultures- I don't want anyone to get slapped, okay?

No one's getting slapped. If that means that- If I slap- Go ahead now. Don't slap each other. If I slapped Luigi, I was afraid that he would shrink down into a smaller version of himself anyways. Get him the fuck out of here.

I will. Luigi Genaro, congratulations to Italians everywhere. I'll be back. For their heart of a chompion. Hopefully you'll be back. Hopefully your brother Mario Genaro will be back. We'll meet more of the Genaro class. I hope Italy breaks off into the ocean, you piece of shit.

Get him out of here, Wigs. It does me the lot to be. Thank you. Despite Mitch's words as a gesture of goodwill, we're playing you off with the Italian national anthem. Let's go ahead and hear that now. Wow, stirring. Truly beautiful.

Luigi Genaro. What an appearance by Luigi. And now- Get him out of here. Luigi, bullshit. Luigi is headed up, handed over. Get him out of here. I thought he was going to use the gauge back.

I like it. No. Well, that was great. And thank you, Luigi. It almost turned into a fistfight. Yeah. Again, it's good that we were separated via the internet because who knows what could have happened

if you were both at the Kodak Theater? Who knows? Good point. Well, if I had been there, I would have stopped it. Oh my god, without a doubt. If I had been there, I would have stopped it. As soon as I saw Wilson walking up, I'd go, Will, just think about it, man.

Think it over. Yep. You're not Hancock. Think about our silly days, dude. Don't do it. Yeah. Yeah. You're not Hancock.

I would just scream you're not Hancock because he walked up. Yeah. That would be enough for him to get it. I wanted to do like- D. Hitch, not Hancock. He really needed to be hitched in that moment. Yeah.

In a world of Hancocks, be a hitch. Oh, sage words. I was going to try to say like, keep my cat's name out of your fucking mouth. I was going to try to do that, but they haven't come down for this whole thing. There's a lot of things that would have happened. He also kind of did that already.

He also kind of did that already. No, he did. I know. I mean, Luigi did it. Keep my cat's fur out of your fucking mouth. It's time to crown a champion. It's time to crown the champion. That's right.

Mitch, one of these hoagies is going to Rogi. One of these is going- The chain that we think is such an exemplar of the ideal sandwich. That one, that hoagie is being given to Joe Rogan to hopefully change his mind about the COVID mandate. We're going to see. We're going to see if it works or not.

But think of those terms. This hoagie is so good that Rogan goes back in time and he presents the award for best documentary and the Will Smith thing never happens. Rogan goes back in time. Oh, yeah. The ultimate Joe Rogan solve perfect. Why do you think we should even do the-

I don't even think we should list out the things. I think we should just- We're way over and no one likes that anyway. So let's just get to a decision. Which hoagie is going to Rogi? Which witch is so nauseable it'll turn this COVID denier into a vaccine supplier? Which chain's name will be etched

upon the Dave Thomas Cup for all eternity? We will count down from three to one and say in unison, the winner of much madness, twenty-two, the tournament champion's hero's journey, suboptimal in three, two. Oh, sorry, real quick. Say the name of the chain you want to win. It's the opposite of last time.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you're saying we're saying the winner. Say the winner. Okay, say the winner. Say the winner. Can I say the Angelo's? I can't say the Angelo's. You got Arby's better.

No, you can't. All right, here we go. All right, here we go. Yeah, you can't say the Angelo's. Three, two, one. One, three, Mike's. Jersey Mike's wins by three to one. Congratulations to Jersey Mike's.

It is the tournament champion winner. Wow, incredible, phenomenal. Paul voted for Capriotti's. Capriotti's is also good. That stick and cheese was also good. It felt more legit, but it wasn't as tasty. Where is all the good bread gone and where are all the sides? Where's the foot long submarine to fill us hungry guys?

Yes. Isn't there a grinder with veggies, meats and cheese? Late at night I drool and I lick and I dream of how I feed. I eat a hero. I'm hoagy out for a hero. Tell my work breaks for lunch. It's got to be long and it's got to be stuffed and it's got to be ready to munch.

I eat a hero. I'm hoagy out for a hero that's as big as a log. It's got to have works and it's got to have juice and be larger than Mitch's hoag than Mitch's hoag. Folks, that's our show. This rules. That rules, Nick. Folks, thank you so much.

We did it. We did it. Paul Russ, don't stop or we'll die. Thank you guys. Thank you. We have it in it. We have it in it. Mookie Blake Locke.

Thanks to Mike Dorfin for the intro video and our production team, Emma and Amelia and everyone at Moment House. Wow. Nick, congrats to Jersey Mike himself. Fascinating that that was the outcome. Everyone is leaning in close and being very silly, trying to troll.

He's not coming out. He's back. He's back. He's back. Scramble, everyone. Until next time, we're Mr. Slaves of Redbike Mitchell on the sandwich land, Nick Weigher. Happy eating.

See ya. Hey, if you missed the live digital experience and want to watch the video of the Munch Madness finale, plus the post-show Q&A, it's available for purchase for another week at MomentHouse.com slash Doughboys.