Doughboys - Munch Madness: McDonald's - Elite Ate with Nicole Byer

Episode Date: March 19, 2020

The Tournament of Chompions approaches the final stretch as Nicole Byer (Nailed It!, Newcomers) returns to eat through the Elite Ate, spelled A-T-E, to decide the ultimate McDonald's menu item. Plus, an artisan root beer Drank or Stank.Sources for this week's intro:'March Madness' crowns its first men's NCAA Championhttps://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/march-madness-is-bornMarch Madness history - The ultimate guidehttps://www.ncaa.com/news/basketball-men/article/2019-04-30/march-madness-history-ultimate-guideMen's Basketballhttps://www.ncaa.com/history/basketball-men/d1Women's Basketballhttps://www.ncaa.com/history/basketball-women/d1Magical Season: A Reporter Remembers 1994-95 CU Women's Teamhttps://cubuffs.com/news/2020/2/14/womens-basketball-magical-season-a-reporter-remembers-1994-95-cu-womens-team.aspxA Brief History of March Madnesshttps://www.ihsa.org/Sports-Activities/March-Madness-Experience/March-Madness-HistoryNCAA tournaments canceled over coronavirushttps://www.espn.com/mens-college-basketball/story/_/id/28893285/ncaa-tournaments-canceled-coronavirusWant more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This was the final score by which the University of Oregon Ducks defeated the Ohio State University Buckeyes in the finale of the first-ever men's collegiate basketball championship back in 1939. The eight-team tournament drew rabid crowds, and so the spectacle for spectators was dubbed March Madness by an Illinois high school official named Henry V. Porter. Since those pre-war pre-jump shot, pre-shot clock days, the tournament doubled in size to 16 teams in 1951, added a corresponding women's tournament in 1982, expanded the men's field to 64 in 1985 and the women's to 64 in 1994, and currently stands at 68 squadrons

of uncompensated student athletes vying for college basketball's top prize. But today, in the year of our lord 2020, with the COVID-19 pandemic sucking all the oxygen out of the air, for the first time ever, the NCAA tournament has been cancelled, and the corrupt anti-labor cabal that is the NCAA joins its players in receiving zero pay from the tournament. However, March Madness continues, and as the initial field of 69 McDonald's menu items has narrowed to an elite eight, spelled A-T-E, of sesame seeds, which Mickey D's bites will survive to the final fork.

As our waistline's thickened and the field thins, which saturated fatter, five fructose corn syrup laden dish will survive to have its name potentially inscribed on the most prestigious award in chain restaurant podcasting, the Dave Thomas Cup. This week on Doughboys, the elite eight, spelled A-T-E, of March Madness 2020, the tournament of Chompion's Mac Attack. Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants. I'm Nick Weigar, alongside my co-host, Dom Delouise Mid-Sneeze, the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. Delouise Mid-Sneeze?

Pretty good. Roast Spoon Man at gmail.com, if you have an insult you'd like me to use, I'm Mitch at the top of the show. Atlon was from atCollenJoyce on Twitter. I just burped. So no more sneezing. Dom Delouise, Muppet Movie. Yeah.

Opening part of the Muppet Movie. Great movie. I talk about the opening all the time. I said yeah, like I know it, I've never seen it. That's insane. But you know what? I remember Dom Delouise because he played the Hannibal Lecter part in the parody film, The Spoof Movie, Silence of the Hams, which is very funny.

Silence of the Hams is great because it is a completely unjustified Star Wars, most sizely, cantina scene. They're just like the detectives. It's like seven. The detectives are sniffing around in the basement and they're suddenly just in the most sizely cantina. That's funny. The bunch of shitty looking aliens.

I told you that you remind me of Walter, the bad Muppet that came back for the new movie. Oh, right. Wait, is that the Jason Segal Muppet? It's the Jason Segal Muppet, yeah. I think I'm more of a, what's the Statler and what's the other one? You think we're Statler and Waldorf together? I think we're more of a Statler and Waldorf, two cranks past our prime. Wow.

Who comment on what's going on around us. They're funnier. Yeah, that's true. They're a lot of fun. We're not that fun. We're more like a Fatler and Waldorf salad. Are you the Waldorf salad? Is that what you think?

I'm Fatler. No, I could just as easily be Fatler. We're closer to death than Statler and Waldorf. They both have big time widowware energies. Yeah. I feel like those are just two guys who miss their wives. Nick, we're mid-corona outbreak. We are mid-corona, we are mid-COVID-19 outbreak.

We have a lot to get to in the show, but I do want to touch on something real quick. We have a lot of food service workers who listen to the show, a lot of front of the house, back of the house, we know you're out there, people who work in grocery stores as well included. Thank you for your service. You guys keep us able to do what we're doing and keep the whole country functioning. These industries are taking a hit right now. Yeah.

Some of these restaurants are closing down right now. Nick, I vow not to stock up on anything during this emergency. Just going to keep playing it meal by meal? That's, I mean, you know that that's the truth. I'm not going to go out and fucking buy some canned goods. Are you fucking out of your mind? I'm going to go stock up on SpaghettiOs, get the fuck out of here. You could stock up on some stuff for Wally and Irma, your two furry sons and daughters.

I'm always stocked up on that with stuff with them. They're always covered. Also, we should say that there's been a big dip in people going to Chinese restaurants and more generally Asian restaurants because as we know this, racists are not smart and so they've been, again, the anti-Chinese racism is already dumb, but the anti-broadly Asian racism, the Pan-Asian racism, the PF Chang style racism, if you will, that's existing, is depressing a lot of these businesses. So if you do have a local, again, if your local health officials are saying it's okay

for you to go out to these public places, if you have a local Chinese restaurant or Thai restaurant or what have you that you can support, now's a great time to do that. Head up the Majestic Dragon and Ipswich, Wu Tang's restaurant. Hey, head up Wu Tang's restaurant. He could definitely, I'm sure, use the business right now as could all of these establishments, but Mitch, we have so much show to get in. Yes, let's go because we got to interview our guests. We do.

She's much funnier than us. This is a waste of time. 100%, yeah. People keep hitting skip ahead 15 seconds to try to get to where our guests start speaking. But before we do that, we have... Do you think when they're skipping ahead every 15 seconds, it's like, come, well, come, come, come. Kill myself.

Come. First, before we get to that, we are in the Elite 8 ATE of the Tournament of Champions. It is time to check in with the Commissioner of the Doughboys Tournament of Champions. We are getting on the phone right now, Commissioner Evan Susser. His ring sounds slower. Hello, Commissioner. Hello, Commissioner. You're on with Mitch and Weigur.

And our guest. Mitch Weigur, guest Nicole. Yes. I am very happy to speak to you today. I'm going to make up a statement now that I'm going to pretend like I've written, after which I'll take some questions. The Tournament of Champions can be described in one phrase this year, train wreck. First and foremost, the time-honored tradition of deciding who the winner of the Tournament

of Champions goes to has been completely ignored. This is a good point. We know this. We know this. We forgot to do that. No, we've already talked about this. This is a situation that must be remunerated. Also, both Mike Mitchell and Nick Weigur have made serious infractions in this tournament.

Mitch, Mike Mitchell, has submitted a bracket to the bracket challenge, while also being a competitor. That's true. This is a controversy, so significant, it rivals only the famous Black Sox Facebook cheating scandal. Hold on a second. I think a more contemporary parallel is Tim Donahue here at the NBA. Or the Astros.

That could work. Yeah, the Astros could also work. I mean, he answers through three rounds and I still filled it out the old way. I'm not in first place. I could easily be in first place. I didn't. I just put in my bracket for fun. You fool.

Furthermore, Weigur's incessant use of the phrase Bungapachka has been so egregious that I'm also issuing a fine on that. Wow. So boys, both so boys must pay a fine of $100. To who? To me personally. To me personally. Can I just send that $100 directly to Domino's Pizza?

He's giving him a $100 bill and they're like, this for Susser? Yeah. Finally. Yeah. The, if it's seasonable, it's reasonable rule. Yes. Must be enforced. It sounds like he had a double.

The Mac Jr. and the Mega Mac or, you know, the Big Big Mac has been reintroduced. I think it's called the Double Big Mac. They changed it to the, the Mac Jr. is now called the Little Mac and the, the, the big ones now called the Double Big Mac. They rebranded them. Well, yeah, those, those two things are reintroduced on the menu and they need to be incorporated. And they need to be incorporated in the tournament. Wow.

Wow. I'll now, I'll now open this up for discussion, conversation, follow-up questions. So you really didn't write any of that down? Just off the dome? I did write some of it down. I feel like that's so much information. But I didn't write it out as carefully as I would have. Which we could tell when you said seasonable.

Yeah. You added three syllables in the seasonable. It's seasonal. It's reasonable is the rule. It's seasonal. It's reasonable. You're, you're, you're at addition of seasonable. I would argue is ungepochka.

Hey, find them more. That's another hundred dollars. Why? Susser, here's, here's, here's what I say. Yeah, I want to use the you song resurrection clause. Wow. I want to bring something back that's been eliminated. You song as we know has passed away.

Wait, wait, wait. What is it? You song has? Yeah, canonically. Canonically, you song has passed away. Okay. So he can bring something back from the other side, which has been eliminated from the tournament. Yes.

I won't use you song to say, say hello to my grandfather. Sure. I have nothing in common with that man. Right. Uh, I don't even think he'd like me, honestly. Yes. But. He might.

I don't know. I don't know. You're nice. Yeah. You might go, oh, wow. What do you think of you song? He makes a living. Eat it.

What do you, what do you think of you song? I don't, he'd be shocked that you song works for me in any sort of capacity. Right. Actually, he doesn't. He quit. He's gone. Until his untimely demise. That's right.

Yes. Oh, he's dead. Yes. All right. Anyway. Okay. That sounded bad. That made me sound bad.

You'd be surprised that you song works for me. People work for me, bro. Okay. No, no, no, I get it. Yeah. Because you're, you're like a doofy fun man who wouldn't have an assistant or anyone working under him. Great.

I get that. Thank you. You're successful. Yeah. Doofy fun man. Job creator, bro. Yes. Job creator.

Yes. You are creating jobs. You. Yes. Wow. You are good. Nicole, you are also good. In fact, I like that.

He was in a complete burn of Susser. He just destroyed him with one sentence. I couldn't believe he said he didn't write a thing down and then had a whole saloon way. Susser, I want to use the you song resurrection clause and I want to see what you and Nick think of that. If, if Mitch gets to do it, I also want to bring something back from the other side of a beached thing, if you will, to reference the recent game death stranding.

You are proposing that in addition to the seasonable, it's reasonable clause. Yes. With these new items entering the tournament, we will also once again enter two items that have been eliminated. Yes. Yes. And make it a fatal four way. This is a precedent that has been established in past tournaments known as Fat Chance Kitchen.

Every items that get a second chance. And they would perhaps be resolved on a double. Yeah. Yeah. I think a Tuesday's double. Okay. Well, I, as commissioner, I am extremely against this tournament having items re-enter the competition.

Wow. Wow. But considering that we texted about this in advance of the episode and decided this is what we were going to do because it was the only idea for the double right on this one, for this one time, non-precedential ruling, I'm going to allow it. Wow. And I think we'll both be able to add an item back into the tournament in addition to Little Junior Mac and Super Duper Mac or whatever their calls.

Little Mac and Double Big Mac. Okay. This is amazing. We admire your Solomon-like judgment here, commissioner Susser. Susser, I have one more question before we let you go and introduce our guest. With the threat of COVID-19 looming, will the scheduled greatest dough rumble in Saudi Arabia still go on as planned? Are you guys making jokes about it?

I'm concerned that when this comes out, it's going to be very dated and weird. We're like a week from it coming out and maybe that'll, there'll be like a death toll in the tens of thousands. We'll just set this out, I guess, if it's that bad by this point. Or maybe it'll be funny. Maybe people will like it. I don't know. Well, that was more of a WWE joke than a COVID joke.

Hey, Susser, by the way, I have... You're making, you're making late of a very serious situation. Yeah, I guess you are. And you know what? That's another hundred dollars dominant. Susser, now that you say that. All right. I have a good, and yes, the greatest dough rumble is going to be cancelled.

Wow. All right. I'll talk to you guys later. Bye, Susser. Bye, Susser. Thank you. Bye. I have, I have my answer for where we're going to send the winner.

Oh yeah. We didn't resolve that. Yeah. Let's introduce our guest and then we'll get into this. Wait, you're sending someone somewhere? Yes. Our guest and actor and comedian from Nailed It. Why won't you date me in the podcast?

Newcomers, where she and Lauren Lapkus watched the Star Wars franchise for the first time. Nicole Byer is here. It's me. Thank you. Thank you, Nicole. Thank you for sitting through maybe the longest stretch of bullshit any guest has had to endure. I liked it. I enjoyed it.

Also, oh, you're, I thought you were like buckled to something. You're wearing a fanny pack. Yeah, I'm wearing a fanny pack. I'm a fanny pack guy now. I like it. Thank you so much. That's a nice fanny pack. Thanks.

Where's that from? So this brand is called Dagny Dover. Dunye Dover. I go to the site Wirecutter. Again, the dough was can't be brought. This is not branded content, but this is just the thing I use. Ben Rogers from the action boys kind of got me into this. They just review everything.

Oh, okay. And so they'll review, like you can look like the best bidet, but then also the best, you know, slim laptop computer, just absolutely everything they review. And they had a positive review for this. I don't like having things in my pockets. And this lets me not do that. I've addressed him about the fanny pack already. Oh, you don't like it?

Which doesn't like it. Why? Why don't you like it? I just, it just is too wagery for me. Okay. It just seems like a very wider move. Like two on the nose. Yeah, two on the nose.

Okay. I think also that you should, you should fucking buckle yourself in during episodes because I'll fucking, my jokes will blow you out of that seat. What a, what a beautiful imagery. Like Mitch say something, you like blasting off. Like a send through the roof. I didn't do, I got to do my drop. Oh yeah.

You got to play your job. Oh, to Spoon Nation. Is it true that yummy mummy you have to drink with breast milk? That's why we couldn't find it. She's a yummy mummy. Oh my God. She's a yummy mummy mate. She's a yummy mummy.

She's a yummy mummy mate. That bird is a yummy mummy. That fit bird. I don't remember the sketch. I feel like we played that before. It's possible. I will say that little tag at the end. I don't, I don't really remember that bit, but I think, I think it was something like

we were saying that yummy mummy was like what they call MILF in the UK. I think that was where that was from. Well, who sent that one in? It said yummy mummy, awesome powers drop, JMD, play my dang drop. But I feel like we did play it already. Well, that's up to you to have a fucking spreadsheet or something that says or mark them as red when you buy it. I do.

I do do that. I do do that. It's 2020. We're quarantined. Get organized. I feel like he didn't. I just feel like he maybe he didn't hear it. Mookie also texted me halfway through that.

That's that's that. That little got it. That was a little got it heard. I don't think anybody heard the yeah. Nobody heard it. Okay. It was it was a text. Okay.

It's fine. Nobody heard it. Nobody heard it. Nicole, we need your so we're going to discuss. We're going to quickly say where we should send the winner of this tournament. So in previous tournaments, this is a president established by the great Jessica McKenna and our very first tournament of champions where she decided that the bet the way we should evaluate our burger.

This was the burger brawl. This was the very first one we did back in what 2016 it must have been. Yeah. And the burger so good that this would be the one representative we would give to an alien who had no sense of what of a mere of human food culture to establish that this is the idea of what a burger is. And so we followed that in subsequent years with different iterations of it. Well, last year we like fucking gave it to the devil or something.

I don't fucking remember. You had to turn him good. I believe you're dumb bullshit. Yeah. But so we need the equivalent of that for this year. And we haven't said it yet. We have we have a couple of we have a couple of things. I have a pitch.

Do you want to say yours? Yeah, because I think mine we might have to I don't know how it's coming off of what Susser said. I don't know how insensitive this is. Okay. Well, we'll just say it and we'll decide if we have to. The question was the winner gets shrunk down and is given to the coronavirus. And it's so good that the coronavirus decides to stop what it's doing and it takes off.

See, that's nice. That is nice. Yeah. That's real nice. It's a nice cure. I don't even think that's like that insensitive. Yeah. We want that thing to go away.

We want it to go away. It's not good. Mine is that we give this to it's a menu item. McDonald's menu item so good that we give it to Morgan Spurlock, who famously made Super Size Me. Yeah. And then in recent years, Super Size Me Tude got himself Self Me Tude. This is way out of the public eye.

Super Size Me Tude. Would be so good that Morgan Spurlock would make another Super Size Me follow up that said McDonald's is actually good and I was wrong. The last one, this was Susser's idea is that we give it to the Burger King himself. Oh, okay. And he switches sides. That might actually be the best one. I feel like there's a way that we could combine all three of these.

Mm-hmm. Mini Size Me with Morgan Spurlock. I think we should time travel and give it to Harriet Tubman. She did so much hard work and she deserves a burger. Wow. Wow. I mean, how can we not say that one? We're gonna seem like bad allies if we say no to Harriet Tubman.

Okay. Here's what I think. Yes. The Burger King himself, we give it to him, he travels back in time, gives it to Harriet Tubman. Okay. Burger King gets to meet Harriet Tubman. And then she gets a bite and then the Burger King travels back through time to give it

to Coronavirus. Yes. Oh, wait, no. He gives it to Morgan Spurlock. Oh, yeah. He gives it to Morgan Spurlock. He makes a movie and then everyone watches the movie and then the Coronavirus is eradicated. Yes, great.

We shrink Morgan Spurlock and the burger down. Got it. So like a Rube Goldberg-like series of events begins with the Burger King time traveling back to give this to Harriet Tubman. Yes. Okay. I'm on board with this. Mm-hmm.

And then, yeah, I think eventually, Morgan Spurlock, he gets shrunk down. We never shrink it. We never grow, we grow them. No, he stays little. He stays little. So it's a little me too. Mm-hmm. He's a little.

He's not a big deal. He's little. Nicole, you, like us, have had to cancel some road dates, unfortunately, because of the current climate we are in, the current crisis we are in. But to use that as an entry point to something that's maybe a little bit less depressing, as someone who travels so frequently, what are your go-to road eats? I know you're someone who likes Applebee's. I know that's a place that comforts you.

Baby, I love me some Applebee's, I love Chili's, and I love Red Lobster. Oh, yes. If there's a Red Lobster in the town, I'm going to Red Lobster. Wow. And then I recently got into Chick-fil-A, which is bad. Chick-fil-A. Because I hate the gays. But I'll tell you something.

Homophobia has never been more delicious. They have breakfast biscuit things. Uh-huh. And they're like, have you had them? They're like literal, buttery, biscuity things that like have like sweet butter, honey on top and that little chicken in the middle. Wow. Oh my God, they're so good.

I love them, even though they're very bad. I'm not a huge Chick-fil-A guy. You got to meet me either, but you have to have this little breakfast thing. That sounds good. It is so tasty. I've never had the Chick-fil-A breakfast. That's probably a thing we should evaluate at some point. You should.

It's very good. We almost did a breakfast tournament. We thought about it. We thought about a breakfast tournament. Yeah. What a hell that would be. Why? Because you got to wake up early?

Yeah. Fair. Yeah. Nobody wants to wake up. Yeah, it's terrible. I like it. I stay in my therapist all the time. If I could sleep forever, I would.

And I don't mean that in like a dead way. Right. I'm just tired. Yeah. I think I mean mine in the dead way. No, Mitch. You have to live forever. You're going to live forever.

Oh, God. It's already exhausting, right? What a nightmare. Do not want to live forever. You will. Do you guys ever think about that transhumanism thing where like you'll put a, it's like a fucking Elon Musk thing where you just like, you'll put eventually put your body into some sort of like cyborg.

You'll put your, or you'll put your brain into a computer and you'll live on forever. Absolutely not. Yeah. I'm not into it. No, I don't want that. I don't want to, I don't want to lose the brain body connection and just be like a, like a fucking consciousness in a computer. Yeah.

No, thank you. I, if I lived forever like, ugh, I'd just be sagging down to the floor. I'd have, I'd have my, I'd have fucking, my titties would be on the floor is what I'm trying to say. If I lived to like a thousand, could you imagine how disgusting I would be? I don't know. Yeah. I don't know.

I would look like a hacky sack. I don't know. Maybe, maybe you'll get older and your skin will get taught. That's true. And your titties will lift up and flip behind your back. I don't know. Maybe this will be good for you to live forever. I'm gonna back titties.

You know, maybe just swing them over your back. I think I already do have back titties. That's got to be a fetish. I'm sure. Back titties? Yeah. Oh yeah. I like how you both said back titties and unison.

Is that ever happened? I don't think I've ever had anyone grab my back titties and be like, ugh. I love these back titties. They're almost as big as the front titties. But when it happens, I'll let you know. And I know exactly what your response will be. I'll be like, Jesus Christ. Are you saying, has anyone ever said back titties and unison before?

Yeah, like two people. Oh, that. It happened on an episode of the Golden Girls. That's right. Ruth said it in kind of a sultry way. Dorothy said it in a scolding way. Back titties? And Sophia said it in like a fun way.

They said those two are the ones that said it at the same time. That's the trivia everyone knows. Golden Girls on the brain recently. We got Golden Girls on the brain. We talked about empty nest. It's true. We're talking about empty nest. I haven't thought about empty nest in forever.

I love that show. That's that an older man who's a doctor. Yes. I thought you were going to say an older man who's a dog. Oh, is he a dog? No, no, but he owns a dog. He owns a big dog, right? There's a big dog.

A big golden retriever or something. Yeah. And he lives with his daughter? I think one of the daughters moves back in. There's two daughters. Yes, there's two daughters that he lives with. And Wagner was horny over one of them. Yeah, I was horny for one of them.

And then the, so Golden Girls spun off into empty nest and empty nest aired after Golden Girls. Then empty nest subsequently spun off into nurses, which was one of the daughters having her own show where she played a nurse that I don't think lasted for very long. But I love that show. Wow. Oh, maybe I did watch nurses.

You know a show I watched that nobody really remembers? California Dreamin'. Oh yeah, I remember that show. A bunch of kids were in a band called California Dreams and then Sly was the manager who was like kind of slimy. Yeah. And then after that, Hangtime came on with a bunch of kids playing basketball.

I remember Hangtime. Hangtime playing together. Hangtime. That's all I remember. What I remember about Hangtime is at the end of one season, they fired coach Reggie Theus. And then the next season it was just Dick Butkus was the coach. Oh yeah.

So I was like upset. You were upset by this? Well, because I liked Reggie Theus. And Reggie Theus was a professional basketball player. Dick Butkus, a football player. Yes, which doesn't make any sense. It's a non sequitur. But I mean, some players do play other sports, remember?

Michael Jordan famously started to play basketball until we all said, you're bad at this. And then he quit. Remember that? It was weird. Yeah, and then he went to play baseball and we were like, that's what you should be doing. It was weird.

Did I say basketball or baseball? You said basketball. Ooh, I meant baseball. He played baseball and was bad at it. I thought it was a very fun that it was a funny next level joke. It works either way. Nope. Just my brain being stupid.

So I was going to listen to him and be like, Nicole, he was the best at basketball. And there'll be a whole Reddit thread about how I don't know anything about Michael Jordan. Oh, God. I can't wait. I love it. We love our Redditors, don't we?

There's some good ones. We love the Airwolf subreddit. There's some good ones. Just the best people on earth. It's like cops. Oh, boy. There's a couple good ones. I'm telling you.

This actually do boys is a spin off itself. What? Yeah, we're a spin off of a northern expo northern exposure. I was trying to think of something good. I liked it and my podcast. Why would you date me as a spin off of next on MTV? Do you remember next? I do.

It was a wild show. We were just talking about next. Really? Because we had Pluto TV on and there was MTV dating was one of the channels on Pluto TV. Oh. And it was all next. This was on an Airbnb on a recent tour.

Yes. And it was all next. Next is wild. Just the wildest people. That show is like a view into what I feared when I was 21 years old. Correct. We were like, someone's going to look at me when we meet on a date and go, ew, next.

And that's what they did. It was fucking awful. I remember this. There was one next where a woman was, she was like super high energy. And as she was walking off the bus, she fell off the bus. And they cut to the guy. He's just like, next. I can't go on a date with a girl who's fallen, dude.

I don't have time for that. She fell all the way down and not just to her knees. I watched an episode last night with these boys with like weird, spiky hair who all seemed very gay and like they were hitting on each other. Yeah. And then this woman was like, I love the circus. You have to tightrope walk. And it was truly.

That's insane. So weird. It was a circus date. Wiger, I wish I could next your ass right now. You wish you could next your longtime podcast partner. Next. And then Joe Saunders walks in here. But if you next him now, you're going to have to give him so much money

because the minutes you've spent together is the amount of money you have to give Wiger. You're going to have to cover Susser's Fines and then. Wow. So like next, like basically all these shows is fixed to some degree. And I knew through an improv class, I took years ago, someone who was like a PA for next and at one point like received a group email that was like, hey, if anyone wants to be on next, just let me know. You get 50 bucks and you just have to pretend to like be into somebody.

Like it was just like, it was a couple. Yeah, we very well could have been four gay guys who needed 50 bucks in, you know, 2003 or whatever. Yeah, whatever. Well, pretend to like a girl. So I get to go on next and be called like next. Sorry, tubby. Like, you don't.

Yeah. And that would be terrible. It's mean. Sometimes the insults are mean. They're mean. And you know that there was like a fucking like an old fat man writing who hates himself. Yeah. There's like a 50 year old comedy writer who would like fucking was turning out insults

off camera for these people to say in their testimonial. Whoever that person is, you're a real piece of shit. Might be someone we know. He's sitting at home listening to this being like, why are they coming from me so hard? Oh, we were having fun. That'll be me someday. It's not much of a step down from getting $75 to direct a bugles branded spot for funny or not.

$75 to all of us. Yeah, that was a little, not quite the rate, but it was not much. My rates were usually less than that. So I mean, yeah. The acting rates were usually less than that. So sketches for these people was like 50 bucks, maybe like 25 for a commercial. Yeah. And you're like, oh, okay.

That's I've done it for free. I'm happy to work. And this is going to air on. This is going to air on television for Hyundai like a million dollar corporation. No big deal. We just made like $3 million off this deal. Oh, okay. And you're like, oh, good.

You should keep that. I'll just learn these lines. Workers being exploited in the entertainment industry like at all. It's a bad, it's a hell of a world. We live in a bad, we live in a bad time. I used to watch undressed with Chankton. Oh yeah. That show.

I always felt like it was not quite horny enough. I was like, oh, I was pretty horny. Oh, I've never seen undressed. I've only heard about it. Yeah. It was, it was a horny show. We would come back. We'd have some Tina's burritos.

This is when I was like a senior in high school. Yeah. Be a little tipsy. Have some Tina's burritos. Watch them undressed. Watch them undressed. It was kind of like a very romantic nights. Yeah.

It was kind of like a soap opera, but with just some very lascivious like horny teens. Right. Yeah. And then I went back to this, the level of just like, I guess just anytime there was anything sexual, I just wanted to see. You want to see some raw dogging. Yeah. Specifically raw dog.

They like do even sleep with each other. You just didn't see any penetration. Yeah. That's what you needed. You needed. It's called undressed. So yeah, give me some penny. Give me something to pound off to.

I have a feeling you can pound off to pretty much anything you want. You know what I learned at one point in high school. I'm saying you specifically. I could pound off to anything. Yeah. You can just like look at a boulder and just. I guess kind of curvy. Yeah.

I learned, it took me, I learned this through a conversation in high school where like there was a, an attractive female classmate and one of my friends mentioned like, like jacking off thinking about her. And I was like, oh my, it was like a revelation. I didn't realize you could jack off to your imagination. I thought you had to look at porno. And then we did that. You can just close my eyes and think of something and fucking pound off to that.

How old were you? 15. I never realized you could masturbate to porn. Oh, interesting. I always thought you watched the porn, you got it in your brain and then you went and did your business. That's probably a more efficient way of going about it. I don't know.

I've tried to like masturbate to porn, but then I'm like, well, I'm further behind than everybody. Or like I'm, I'm too far ahead. So I guess I'll stop and wait for them to get it. It's like a whole thing. So I don't do that. Yeah. I get, I get too fixated on like, I want to find the bet.

Like I was like, I don't know if this porno is adequate. And of course any porno will ultimately do, but I'll be like, I don't know about this porno. And then I'll find, it's the, what's that analysis paralysis where you get, you have Mitch is just grinning so hard. There's so many decision points because there's so much porno available that you're trying to look for the correct porno. And then I'm just, I find ways, I just like, I just get this over with.

Porno in this house. When Nick comes out, he has to leave his laptop outside the door. Oh no. It's a dirty laptop filled with porn. My two terabytes of hentai cannot stay on your porch. Why do you bring the terabyte? Why do you bring the actual? Why do we bring the external drive?

Just in case. He's got to, you know, jerk off in the car, but I honestly, then I also reached a point where I just got so like, I don't really, like we talk, I suddenly jerk off anymore. Like I'm kind of just over it. Well, you have a wife. Yeah. I have a wife. I won't say who, but one of our friends revealed they do it once a day.

Yeah. We have a friend who's a fucking machine, one load a day. Like the laundry. Yeah. Laundromat. We should call him the Laundromat. He is the Laundromat. I thought that was like the average.

I thought men on average like jerk off once or twice a day. Maybe if I was like 12, Nicole, you're talking to two of the lowest T count men in this fucking city. Okay. Once a week. Yeah. Once a week. We have lowercase T and like eight point font.

Okay. Do not have much T in between the dope ways. That's wild. Nicole, you hate soup. I know. We've discussed this before a number of times. Are there any other food aversion? We've talked about some of these before, but I just want to want to go through your other

food aversions. Am I remembering wrong? Are you someone who doesn't like mustard? I hate mustard. I think it's disgusting. If it's on a bun, I have to like scoop the bun or ask for a new bun. I do not like pickles. Pickles are disgusting.

Wow. But if you take the pickle away and then flip the meat over, then it's okay, or sometimes I can just deal with the pickle taste. I don't really like hot sauce, but I like pepper. I like hot. I like heat. I just don't like the taste of hot sauce. Got it.

Yeah. Pickled anything is really disgusting. Relish is disgusting. Wow. It seems like you don't like, so the hot sauce, the pickles, the mustard, the common thread there is vinegar. It seems like that's the element that maybe you don't like. I don't think I like vinegar.

Because what kind of salad dressing do you go with? Ranch. Craft ranch. No other ranch. Just the craft ranch. Yes. Did you try a ranch? Craft ranch.

No, but ranch is the ketchup and ranch craft hybrid. That's wild. It's Heinz, isn't it? Isn't it Heinz? It's Heinz. Yeah. I've never had that. It's weird.

It kind of works. I prefer their other hybrid sauces. But crunches, crunch is okay. We tried them all. Yeah, we tried them. We tried all of them. I don't think that's for me. I don't really mix ketchup and ranch together.

Yeah. That's not it. The ketchup and mayo mix, the fry sauce, that one works. I like that. That's good. And I like mayonnaise. This is a new thing for me. I never liked mayonnaise, but I had a BLT.

It was like a couple of years ago, and there was mayo on it, and I bit into it, and I was like, wow, what was that? Interesting. And someone was like, what do you mean? And I was like, what is this white stuff? And they're like mayonnaise. And I was like, oh, that is what on earth? I know.

Never had it. No. And like my mother didn't have it in the house. Right. Like we just ran a mayonnaise house, but my roommate now, he's got like jars and jars of mayo. I remember I put a mayo on a sandwich from Micas for the first time, and he loved it when we were in high school.

I'm not like a huge mayo guy, but it was around. Yes. I feel like I didn't love it when I was younger. It was I would rather have ketchup or mustard. Yeah, we're a male fridge. I like it on a sandwich. Yeah, I love it. A BLT that's really nice.

Yeah. That's the best place for it. Mm-hmm. I mean, a BLT is one of my favorite sandwiches. Oh, so good. I also like so fucking good. Do you like yours with avocado or just like as it comes? I like it with avocado, but also sometimes I'm not in the mood for avocado.

True. I prefer it on the side and eat the avocado by itself. It works either way. Yes. That's the nice thing about a meal. I like a chicken blat. What is that? Oh.

Bacon, lettuce, avocado, tomato. Oh, yes, blat. Yes. Chicken blat. Blat. Chicken blat. Sea blat. Sea blat.

A ka-blat. A ka-blat. A ka-blat. I like a ka-blat. Blat. I like a ka-blat too, but also just give me a BLT, baby. Yeah, a BLT is pretty great. It is one of those ones where almost like a grilled cheese, it's maybe in its best form

just by default. I've been in the grilled cheese mode. Oh, yeah. I got back into them in the last year. Back in the grilled cheese. Friend 62, not my favorite place. No. There's a local diner in L.A.

I order up a grilled cheese from there. Did it work out okay? Yeah, no, they do. They dip it in a little soup, they dip it in there. It's great. Mitch, I know you said that you're not going to stock up right now under our current crisis, but the grilled cheese is a pretty easy sandwich to execute on your own. Yeah.

Just buy some bread, some cheese. You know what? I am stocked up right over there at friend 62. I add tomato and bacon to it, to my grilled cheese. Oh, okay, that's nice. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, I like it a lot. I like that sometimes.

I also just like it as it comes. Same. Here's a question. Not enough, though. If it's just that, not enough. I need a little bit more. I need something in there. Really?

It's not a very substantial meal. It's not substantial. I get what you're saying. All right. Yeah, if you're hungry, maybe you need a protein or something. Give me a little protein. I get a fruit in the tomato. Tomato is a fruit.

Allegedly. Yeah. I was raised that it was a vegetable. There's been some controversy on that. Because what? It's got seeds or whatever, and they're like, it's a fruit? I mean, I think of it as a vegetable, too. I think of it as a vegetable, too.

I think it is technically a fruit, but it's one of those things where it's kind of like, come on. We know what we're doing here. Just let me have it. It's a vegetable. It's like the hot dog, is a hot dog a sandwich argument. It's not. We know we're talking.

It's a hot dog. It's the seeds. Yeah. The seeds are what would make it a cucumber of fruit. Is my fucking weighing a fruit? Because it's got some seeds coming through it. Huh? Is that what you're going to tell me?

First of all, I don't believe that there's any seeds coming through it. Yeah, that's true. It's just a clear liquid. Oh, no. You're sick. You're not well. It's like an apple at most. There's like four seeds maybe at the center.

I've got a lot of real estate to swim around in. I was, I just realized earlier that if I brought my, I said that if I, I could say hello to my grandpa, my grandpa, as I told you, he threw my Happy Meal on the fire. That's true. That's totally unrelated. Yes. Wait, what?

My, my grandpa had oxygen deficiency. So he, he, it was basically like having Alzheimer's. Oh, okay. He like, he called me Harold and George and you're like, does he know my name? You know what I mean? And he used to like, he would have fires sometimes in like May. He would, or like close to summertime, he would do, put a fire in the fireplace and my grandma and I came home one time through my entire full Happy Meal

into the fireplace. That's, that was a sad meal. It was very, he did, he like, I think he didn't realize it, but he threw everything toy and all into the fireplace. Dang. I think Mitch, he, that was the one moment where he was fully lucid. He was like, I got to do something about this kid. I see where his life is heading.

I got to do something about this. Right in the fire. Toy and all. Do you remember what the toy was? Uh, no. If I had to guess around, I mean, it was probably one of those nugget toys from way back in the day. I was going to guess.

I like those. Still the Onward Wand. The only Happy Meal toy we've gotten this month. We've eaten a lot of McDonald's every day. That's not true. I got the Onward Van too. Oh, that's true. You got the Onward Van.

You know what could have been? It could have been one of those, the Fraggle Rock ones that you went back and forth. Do you remember that? The Fraggle Rock racers? Yes. Yeah. I remember that because I figured out you could finesse the girls who worked at the drive-thru window.

So like I would sit in the back seat. Hey, just a reminder, you're talking to two guys who have no charm whatsoever. Well, all I would do is lean forward and go, you're so pretty. And then the girls would go, oh my God, she's so cute. Here's an extra toy. And I'd be like, got it. Wow. Here's my, here's how, here's how this goes for me.

Hey, you're so pretty. Woo! Immediate. Emilia arrested. The cop's already there. We were watching you, sir. Come with us. She is.

You guys are pretty too. Fighting as I get into the car. So you had a lot of, you had a lot of Happy Meal toys, you're saying? So many toys. Any favorites to ring a stick in your memory? I loved this little hamburger that winded up and like just hopped up and down. I think I remember this. That's it.

That's all it did. And I loved it. And then I feel like I had a bunch of Smurfs. Okay. I think there was a Smurf. I think there were some Smurfs going on. Yeah. Then there was like a chicken nugget box where there was chicken nuggets inside.

I like the little foods that weren't food. I think one of those is like a Transformers. Like they transformed in McDonald's stuff. Yes. I loved those. Those were fun. That's rad. I feel like they maybe were better.

I mean, they seem better than this, but maybe I'm just wrong. Maybe they were just pieces of trash. I think the build quality of toys, the design was less ambitious because a lot of the modern toys have all these points of articulation and their, but the ones actually meant for children, I think are now just being manufactured a little bit more cheaply or maybe a little bit more substantial back in the day. I don't, you know, I never, I was always deprived of the happy meal, though I did covet one. I would go to McDonald's, but my parents, I think just didn't think I needed more toys.

So we wouldn't get those. You know what? One of my favorite happy, I mean, I, there was two things. One, around the holidays, they would have happy meals would come in a, in a pale. Oh yeah. Yeah. A jack-o-lantern pale. Yes.

I had one of those. And then I think there was a witch pale and maybe a skeleton pale. Yes. I could be wrong. Someone online is going to yell at me. And then also, I think even with that pill, I think you still got a toy and I think one of them was like the nuggets all dressed up as different Halloween creatures. If I'm not mistaken, that sounds familiar.

Man, things used to be, we used to, it just feels like you used to really celebrate holidays in this kind. It does. It feels like it feels like people used to say Merry Christmas. Yeah. That's not what I'm saying. Merry Christmas. What's wrong with being a Christian woman who wants to say Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays is everybody coming in the country. They're taking jobs away from me. Happy holidays, my tukis. This character has evolved. I don't know. You ended up a character. I'm not sure who it is. Nicole, I just got a push notification.

You have a four-year, $2.5 million contract from Fox News. Well, yep. I'm their new pundit. And I'm only talking Christmas tonight. Tonight on Fox News, Christmas. If you became, if you like turned your back on everything and became a Fox News correspondent, it would just, I mean, it would almost make sense in the end times of world women. Truly.

I think people would be like, you know what? This, yeah, sure. This is kind of on brand. It's weird. I recently got a McDonald's toy. It was a black Barbie because my old roommate Jen's niece got it in her happy moment. Nicole and then refused to stop talking about how I needed this toy. Wow.

So then they sent it to me and then I like posted the picture. I was like, God, it's black Barbie. And I was like, if it was an adult, surely this is racist. But like, it was a child who was like, the one black I know needs it. And I had that Barbie for a while. I don't know where it is now. I think I threw it away finally. It's tough when you get a gift that you're like, what, how do I do?

I don't need this, but someone gave it to me. What do I do? And then I eventually, I just reach a point where I'm just, I'm not going to be sentimental about this anymore. Yes, this is a nice, this was someone thought of me and gave this to me, but I don't fucking need this. Little kids can be fucking, just fucking little pieces of shit. Like cruel.

Kids can be so cruel. Yeah. I remember my next door neighbor. You know what? He's a nice guy. Jason Stearns. He babysat him when he was a kid. I mean, I'm not, I'm not like he's my neighbor.

So of course I'm close to him in that way. I'm not. He does. He's younger than me. I babysat him. I was a kid. I watched Dave Matthews on SNL at his house when I was babysitting him one night. How fun, but I remember when he was a little kid, he had candy and he was giving it out

to kids on street and he went, none for fat Michael. And I was like about you little motherfucker. Yeah. That's so rude. None for fat Michael. And I was so pissed off and I want to kick his ass, but he was a little kid. Yeah, you can't do that. My friend's daughter pressed on my stomach a couple years ago and she went, Nene, you're

like a beach ball. I was like, thank you. And then her mother was like, don't say that. She went, did I tell a lie? And I was like, well, now you're being mean. Wow. These little fuckers. I got a story about a little kid.

So, uh, my, my next door neighbor. The way you said that. I got a story about a little kid. Tell us. Am I on your laptop? Get the FBI on the phone. Me, me say, me saying the beginning of that is like you telling a McDonald's worker that she's pretty.

Just like immediately siren. No, I was going to hear your story about this kid. No, it's going to be it. Well, now it's, now it doesn't relate to playing the same way. No, please. The same way. Because it was about, it was, the twist was going to be, it was about me being a little shit because my next door neighbor also named Nicole, uh, who babysat me.

And I, I thought, I like, I thought she was like my best friend because they just saw her and, and whatever. Uh, but she was going to leave once and I said, no, and I grabbed her arm and I bit her. And she had like a fucking bike mark on her bike mark. You did. Yeah. You, you are a fucking freak. That's really funny.

I'm leaving now. Uh, I'm just imagining this like 16 year old girl, like having her arm just waving in the air with a little wiger dangling from it. I mean, like, let go of me. You fucking freak. That's so funny. Like, uh, like a werewolf. She just like, after I bit her, she just no longer had a personality.

We'll take a break. We'll be back with more Doug boys. Welcome back to dough boys. Munch madness. 2020. The tournament of champion's Mac attack. The elite eight spelled ATE. We are here with the coal buyer.

Hi Nicole. Hello. Now let us recap the tournament rules before we get into our McDonald's discussion this week. First up rule number one, everyone is here. Sides do not stay on the sidelines. Drinks are not in the Gatorade jug. Also on the sidelines as in previous years.

This is like the fourth time he's done. Rule number two, breakfast items must be available all day. Rule number three, if it's seasonal, it's reasonable came in play today, but it has to be available now. Yes to the shamrock shake. No to the McRib and apparently yes on next week's dough boys double to the junior Mac or I'm sorry, the little Mac and the double big Mac. Wow.

Rule number four, dips get the slip. Wow. You can use them, but they are not a part of the menu items evaluation. Our full bracket is available on our social media. The tournament began with 64 sesame seeds in four regions, beverages in McCafe, breakfast, burgers and chicken, sweets and treats and sides and more. And it's now been whittled down to eight quarter pounder finalists. How are you feeling at this point in the tournament, Mitch?

I am starting to enjoy it more because there's less stuff. There's less stuff to eat so you can savor the McDonald's a little bit more. Nicole, I still just feel sick this entire month, which is a bad month to feel sick in. Yeah. But a different kind of sick. You know, I was reading something. I was reading all the symptoms of COVID-19 coronavirus and it was actually reassuring because it was saying like the symptoms that are most that are most associated with it,

which a lot don't necessarily have a lot of overlap with the common cold or with the normal the common flu are dry cough, shortness of breath, tightness of chest, those sorts of respiratory send symptoms, but then a list of a bunch of them and way down the list that said rare was diarrhea. Oh. And I was like, you know what? I don't have fucking COVID. I'm healthy because I am splattering out shit every chance I get.

Yes. I bet you COVID's coming in and out of me so quick. It went in and it just fucking shot out. But you're just eating all that McDonald's. You can't grasp onto anything. Just slipped right out. Speaking of which, today at the McDonald's, it's in a food for less parking lot. Yes.

It was fucking wild. Well, yeah, because we are in the height of people hoarding and it's a working class neighborhood and I think a lot of people are just trying to yeah. There's an alternate reason is that there was some great show going on at UCB sunset closed closed. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Improv is closed. Comedy store is closed. Every place is closed. It's all closed. This virus has gone too far. I need my improv and I want it now. If I can't see Maud Knight, I'm rioting. Honestly, it's probably people who don't have time to go grocery shopping.

Yeah. And they're like, I don't have food in my fucking house, so let's just go get dinner for the night. For sure. And that theater is located and that McDonald's is located in a working class neighborhood and I'm sure a lot of people are like, people with families are just like, fuck, I gotta get diapers and shit. Uh-huh. So as I was saying, it's been now whittled down to eight quarter pounder finalists, the elite eight, spelled A-T-E, and to recap all the snacksion so far from this past Tuesday's Doughboys Double,

we go now to the Dough Center at Bristol, Connecticut with our own Carl Tartt. First there were 32 and now we're down to 16. That's half of that for you math nerds. This competition is getting delicious. Who will be crowned the winner of 2020 Munch Madness? I don't know. Please stop asking me, mom. But now let's get into some of the highlights of what happened on this week's episode.

The action heated up on the last Doughboys Double as Lamar Woods joined the judge to eat 16. In the beverages and McCafe region, the number one seed Coca-Cola easily defeated the five seed vanilla shape. And Mitch's Irish heritage helped tip the scales for the six seed shamrock shake over the two seed chocolate shake. Thanks for tipping the scales, Mitch. It's the only time you do it. In the breakfast region, the number four seed sausage egg and cheese McGriddles barely squeaked by the number nine seed chicken McGriddles. And the number three seed sausage muffin with egg knocked out the ten seed sausage biscuit. In the sweet street size and more region, the number one seed fries continued its win streak in a surprisingly close contest

with the number five vanilla cone. And the number seven hot fudge sundae defeated the number three hash browns. And in the burgers and chicken, the nine seed double cheeseburger took out the four seed two cheeseburgers. And the number six seed 20-piece chicken McNuggets defeated the number seven seed double quarter pounder with cheese. Wow. I don't know what's going on. Lamar definitely fucked a lot of that up. If he was the one that was judging things, he's a good friend of mine, but that's wrong.

Okay. There should be no reason that the sausage egg McMuffin. I mean, I'm sorry, not even that. The McGriddle, the sausage egg and cheese McGriddle should not be barely squeaking by the nine seed chicken McGriddles. Who the fuck wants a chicken McGriddle? I'm getting frustrated. And I hope you are too. Throw something if you have to.

That's it for another week of Munch Madness. As I always say, zip it down, zip it right. There's going to be a hard attack tonight. And if you haven't heard me say that again, you are not listening to the right things. Bye. Wow. Thanks, Carl. A stirring recap of what's happened so far. Did you write that shit about me tipping the scales?

No. Yeah, you did. I didn't write any of it. I can confirm that the email just had the bullet points with what beat what. I just said, yeah, what would want? I like it now because I like Carl. Why are you getting any joy when you say elite eight that spelled a T. I mean, it just seems like this is.

I love it. I mean, it's a nice little tidbit. Yeah. It is. It just seems like it's just as you just say it so joylessly. That's how I say everything. But some nights don't get the spikes of serotonin that other humans get. Did you have?

I think God. I think I was your humans get that other humans get. I'm a normal human man. He's a normal human boy. He's this. You're not Mitch. I think elite A.T.E. was your pitch. It might have been.

I think you came up with that. I'm the genius of the pod. We all agree. We all agree. Yes, Mitch. Yes, Mitch. I mean, I mean, some people will be surprised at some of the stuff I come up with. You come up with a lot of good stuff.

Yeah, like 95 percent of dope. Is me. Actually, I put it this way. If you like something on the pod, it was me. That's what you always try to frame it that way. I love how you're saying that as Weiger is reading off this document. He's written. You have no computer in front of you.

You're just giggling over there by yourself. I got a hundred terabytes up here, baby. I'm going to get my head. All right. I got. You're fancying yourself a mentat. Yes. From Dune.

Yeah. A mentat. Mentats. They're like the human robots and computers have been banned. So in the far future, and so humans have developed that capacity in their own. I started watching Dune for the first time last night. Yeah. I put it on for the first time.

The David Lynch version? Yeah. I only got a half an hour in and then it was like 3 a.m. So I called it a night. Dense Lord. Was it good? Should I watch Dune? I think you should watch Dune.

Yeah, watch Dune. I think you should watch it. I love the film, but I've read the book and the book is dynamite. I loved it as a kid. The movie's probably better. Yeah. That's usually how things work. Hey, so Nicole, it sounded like you were a big McDonald's fan as a kid.

I still love McDonald's. I don't eat it often because truly does not make me feel good after I've eaten it. Going down. Oh, it's nice. A couple hours later, I say, oh, it's coming out and it's not so nice. But yeah, I was saying like I was just eating it joyfully and I was like, I like doing this podcast because you feed me. I love it.

It was delightful to eat McDonald's. I hadn't had a chicken nugget since we did the power hour because that was bad for me. Oh, yes. Without the three of us and John. I can't believe that you haven't had a chicken nugget since then. Nope. I wanted to say also McDonald's goes in a mogwai comes out of Gremlin. Yeah, I think that's a great analogy that I understand because I've seen Gremlins

now. That's right. Wow. So the first matchup. And now the next one you're going to see is Dune. Well, I got to finish the Star Wars nine, nine. What is it? Nine?

Nenology. Nenology. What do you call nine films? I like Nenology. I think that sounds good. I like Nenology. Trilogy of Trilogies. They are kind of their own thing.

Except the last three don't really count. The last three I'm really confused because I'm like, Darth is dead. I'm like, who's the bad guy? But I think that's Clucklo. Clucklo. People have said it for me and I cannot remember, but Clucklo Ren. Clucklu. Kylo Ren.

I don't know why I can't ever remember that. I don't know why I keep putting an L in there. Kylo. Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren. But that's Darth's son. Clucklu.

It's Darth's grandfather. No, don't ruin anything. How far into it? What should we say? I'm starting the seventh one. Okay. So you haven't seen it yet. You haven't seen it yet.

Okay. But I watched the trailer and I'm like, who are all these people? You may still be confused after you watch all three because it's not necessarily all, it's not necessarily the most cohesive narrative. I'll tell you something. I watched The Holiday Special and that's my favorite movie. It is. It's your favorite of the Star Wars?

I loved it. I have never loved a thing more. It was enthralling. The story was bonkers. Diane Carroll is singing at one point. It's sexy. It's a great movie. Have you seen it?

Yeah. But not for a very long time. What is it? What is the day they're celebrating? Life Day. Life Day. That's right. Which they actually reference in the new, the John Favreau series, the Mandalorian.

They have referenced a life day. Oh. So it is canon in the Star Wars universe. Wow. I love it. Well, let's get into another big part of our culture, McDonald's. Yes. First up, the breakfast region, the four seed, sausage, egg and cheese McGriddles against

the three seed sausage McMuffin with egg. Nicole, do you get breakfast for McDonald's with any frequency? I will sometimes at the airport get a hash brown because I fucking love those hash browns. Me too. If I could fuck a hash brown, I would. They are so delicious. They're always perfect no matter what McDonald's you get them from. They're just, they're hot.

And they're like a little oily. I love them. They taste delicious. I love them too. You heard that the hash browns have been eliminated in that update. I was floored. Yeah. I was like, what?

Who did that? Who eliminated a hash brown? We did. We're the idiots who host the podcast. That's insane. It was a split decision. I voted hash brown. You did vote hash brown.

I voted, I love the hash brown. I love it. I would say hash brown should win. It just makes, it just makes, also by the way, Weigur has maybe fucked a hash brown. He's fucked an apple before. Have you fucked a hash brown? It's too hot. Yeah, too hot.

What am I going to fuck too? I don't like to wrap it around my dick. What am I going to do? We get a fistful. Oh, I guess so. I guess five or six of them and crunch them together and make yourself a hash brown flashlight. Fuck that. There was a, we, there was, I sent Weigur a screen grab of an olive garden dildo.

Oh yeah. What is it, a bread stick? It's like in the shape of a bread stick. That's wild. Yeah. We're going to review it on an episode. Oh, please do. On this episode actually.

That'll be the only episode I listened to. Oh, you better taste it than all our listeners. Yes. In the eat 16 round, the hash browns were felled by hot fudge sundae, which we will get to. Oh, okay. I mean, The hot fudge sundae is really good. It is really good.

And now I understand the dilemma. We'll get into that in a second. But right now, The hash brown makes me feel sick a little bit. I love it. I mean, I kind of maybe have buyers remorse because I do love that hash brown. Maybe it wasn't, Maybe it was a mistake.

It's hard to put it up against the sundae. The sundae is really delicious. It's great. It always hits the spot. Always. I love the fudge. I love fudge. I love how fudge gets like thick with the cold ice cream.

And then it's like kind of chewy sometimes. Oh God. You know what? I'm going to say let's, let's skip straight to our next battle and go back to breakfast because we're on the topic right now. Sweets and treats and sides and more. The one seed fries, the seven seed hot fudge sundae. Those are against each other.

Another hot potato option versus a sweet treat. The hot fudge sundae is very, very solid. Every time I've gotten it, including this current round, it's delivered. It's delivered with a level of consistency. I'm going to say maybe even higher than the fries. That said, the fries are so good when they're good. When they are hot and well fried and well seasoned with just like they've thrown on that salt. It's what, it's a recent batch out of the fryer.

It's not one that's been sitting on a hot lamp for a while, the heat lamp for a while. Those fries are the, one of the best things in the whole fast food game. Well, I actually, when, when I got my double cheeseburger, I made it a meal and I got a coke and fries. Yes. And that was the only time the fries were not great in this tournament and this tournament, but they, I didn't get them with the hot fudge sundae. So I got them again today.

I will say there is a trick to getting the best fries possible. And that is to ask for them with no salt because then they have to make you a new batch and then they're hot, they're fresh and you add your own salt. That's a great trick as long as the McDonald's isn't swamped and you're the asshole. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I mean, if you're doing it for taste, like don't be an asshole, but like, if you can't have that much salt, then you're going to have to. Yeah, of course.

I mean, no one wants cold fries. There should be hot, fresh fries. I agree. Anyways, we are pro hot fries here. I use ketchup with both of them, both of the fries. Look, McDonald's fries. This is a top. This is like Duke, right?

I mean, what's the best team? I don't know. Duke isn't Duke a real great. Oh, from the NCAA tournament. I don't know. Cancel the NCAA. Shall we cancel our tournament to or no? No, much madness is ongoing.

We don't have. I mean, we have crowds to worry about. Yeah. What about the crowds of listeners? They're at home. Yeah. They're quarantined. They're self quarantined already.

They're already at home waiting for this episode to drop. But then the fries I had today were great. And in every time I've gotten the fries only once were they kind of cold. That one last time. Wow. Every other time they were hot and fresh and salty and good. But what about the hot fudge Sunday? The hot fudge Sunday.

Look, there's a few things that I'm thinking of heart of a champion. Hot fudge Sunday might be. I'm not saying I'm not tipping whether it one or not. Heart of a champion. If you're new to the tournament of champions, much madness. We have, we give a reward that's kind of like a miscongeniality at the end of the tournament to something that's particularly stood out. It could be a menu item or it could be a franchise and previous winners include five guys and

Armin Weitzman. So here's my front runners right now. Can I tell you? Yes. Hot fudge Sunday. If it doesn't win. McDonald's cheese. Just the cheese in general.

We were talking about the meltiness of the cheese. It's good. It's great. The cheese is very solid. That sunset McDonald's across the street from UCB, which is insane. But has also helped us out so much in the tournament. This is a McDonald's that is very high traffic, very high volume. A lot of, you know, people who are maybe need some help are hanging out in there.

Literally a man in there was yelling at the manager today and calling her a bitch. Yeah. Screaming at the manager. It was insane. But what did the manager do? Ignored it. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. It's not the manager's fault. I thought you meant reaction. Maybe they was mad about their franchise being cold. I called her a bitch too. And actually it was Mitch doing it. Mitch said, he's talking bitch. My french fries are cold.

And this is the first time it's happened. Merry Christmas. All right. The reveal is that yes, it was me who was yelling at the lady. They were like grimaces out of his pen again. They keep grimacing the pen? Like a pig? I was thinking more like a bear.

But yeah. That really got me. Well, now that you said that grimaces also may be my possible horror of a champion. It's a possibility. And Armin. Armin is my last possibility. Do you know what a grimace is? It's just a, I'm like what it is.

He's a milkshake monster. Oh yes. He originally grew up. Yeah. He's wild that he's not in a glass. No. He loves shakes and he originally had multiple limbs. He had like extra limbs like Goro for Mortal Kombat.

And they were all holding shake cups. That makes me think that he was like a bug. I think he was some sort of bug. Could have been like a bug creature. Yeah. Also it's wild that he's purple. They don't have a purple milkshake. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't get it. They should have a purple milkshake. I love that. I would love that too. That's like cartoon world. I love it. A fucking purple milkshake would be great.

The hot fudge sundae is so good and so solid. Here's what I will say on the hot fudge sundae. I love it. There is a better version of this. It is the one for my childhood and it is the one with chopped nuts. Yes. And they took the chopped nuts off of the menu I assume because of allergens. Can you ask for it?

Maybe you can, but there was a point in which they used to be provided by default. Yes. I do feel like that version wins out over the current version for whatever it's worth. Nicole, your thoughts on fries versus hot fudge sundae. Okay. I love McDonald's fries. I think they are the best fast food fries you can get. Agreed.

They are salty. They are hot. They're just like the right amount of fried. They're so fucking good. Yeah. And then a lot of them are long. I love a long Frenchie. But then also I really love the hot fudge sundae.

It travels well. And I like it when it gets a little soupy. Oh, hell yeah. And I like eating half of it and then mixing the second half together. And then I usually get it with extra fudge because I fucking love that fudge. The fudge is so good. It's so good. And the ice cream is really good.

And it's simple and it's just great. And you make a good point. It did travel well. We brought it back here. Yeah. It traveled. And it was perfect. For like what?

20 or 30 minutes or whatever. It was great. Yeah. This is tough for me because I'll be sad whoever loses. Same. I do think that there is a one that's that's I mean the fries are Duke. They're Duke. They are the one seed for a reason.

We'll see whether they progress on to the next round to the final fork. So here's how this works, Nicole. We will say but up up up up and then in unison say which of these two items we think should advance fries or hot fudge sundae. Okay. Okay. Here we go. But up up up up fries.

It is unanimous fries. It really hurt to do that to my Sunday. But the fries truly are so good. They're so good. It was really, really. This this is a sad one. It's a sad one. I was afraid that it wasn't even going to be.

I was truly afraid that there was going to be an upset and I wouldn't be able to handle it because fries are the fries are so good. They're so good. They are Duke. They're Duke. They're Duke. You say Duke. I just started watching college basketball.

I don't know college basketball. It's good. It's good. It's fun to watch. I like when they cut to the stands and you see like an old grandpa who's like, dear, this is my grandchild. And then you're like, are they 18 or are they 30? How old are they?

I love it. There are some that are definitely older. I do have a little cough. It is from smoking. It's not Corona. Right now, every time I cough or sniffle, I feel like the guy in a zombie movie who's hiding his bite. I'm just like, I'm fine.

I'm totally fine. I'm not wrong with that. I don't believe you. I think you're. I don't think you're fine. Okay, let's move on to remember in the dawn of the dead remake. I think it's Mackay Pfeiffer. He doesn't reveal that his girlfriend has been bitten and then and she's

pregnant and then she gives birth to a zombie baby. Oh, that's great. Everybody knew and then everyone. Everybody's like that is baby. So wait, she was pregnant with a zombie baby. She was pregnant with a baby and then and then she and then she got bit and then she got bit or did she fuck a zombie and that's what you missed. I like I like this theory.

I like this out there. I think she fucked a zombie and everyone was like she got bit like her pussy got bit by a zombie. That's what happened. I think that's what everyone missed in that little subtext. Mackay Pfeiffer like holds it and he's like, it's my baby and they're like, you got to like drop it, dude. No, you drop it.

It is pretty grim. Zack Snyder. Good movie. Snyder. He knows how to direct action. Yeah. He knows what he's doing. Let's move on to the breakfast region.

The four seed sausage egg and cheese McGriddles versus the three three seed sausage muffin with egg that we were talking about just a few minutes ago. So here's the thing. I prefer the McGriddles bun to the McMuffin because the McMuffin is a net neutral. The McGriddles is flavorful and dense and that little bit of sweet that contrasts the savory. However, it is as a result, much heavier.

Yeah. And perhaps, at least in my thought process, perhaps the sausage McMuffin. Thank you, Mitch. Perhaps the McMuffin, the English muffin component of the sausage muffin with egg being a net neutral makes that makes that actually an advantage because the interior components are all the same. What do you guys think? I like an egg McMuffin.

I've never, ever once wanted an English muffin in my house. Right. Just waking up and being like, oh, an English muffin. No, but I like a McMuffin. I think it's good. The sausage patty is like dense and thick enough. It's not overwhelming. The egg is great.

The cheese, again, melty and delicious. That's great. But I think I like the McGriddle. Wow. I think I really, I like that there's sweetness to it. It is heavier, so it is a commitment to be like, all right, I'm going to go on the rest of my day with this McGriddle in me. But I think it's good.

It's just like, yeah, I like a McGriddle. I think they're delicious when they were introduced. I was so excited to taste it. I tasted it. I was like, this is for me. So, yeah, I'm a McGriddle girl. It sounds like you're leaning that way. It sounds like that is your winner.

Yeah, I think I'm a McGriddle girl. I got the sausage egg and cheese McGriddle with a round egg, which is, and I also got it with the scrambled, flipped over. You made substitutions. I got both, Nick. We don't have a rule on substitutions. We should have a rule on that. I got both.

You also got a substitution later on. Yeah, but I'm just saying, I'm just surprised we didn't cover that. I'm just saying to you that I got it in all the way and the regular way to see it matched up. I actually think that the McGriddle sausage egg and cheese McGriddles is better with the scrambled egg. I don't think it's as good with the egg round. I don't think it works as well.

I like the egg round more than I like the scrambled egg patty. Yes. Anyway, I like the simplicity of the sausage egg. Sausage Moong Muffin with egg. Absolutely. That's an asset. I like the sausage egg and cheese McGriddles, but I think that the sausage Moong Muffin with egg is one of the,

it's just one of the most classic, delicious menu items. Absolutely has that going for it. You can point to its classic status as an asset. Well, I guess we should get to it. It sounds like you're the fucking deciding vote. Can I say one final thing? Yeah. Here is what ultimately is making my decision for me.

Wow. Which of these would I rather have when I'm hung over? Oh. I think that my answer is still the same. Okay. Well, here we go. Whatever the judgment, however you want to make the judgment call between these two very close competitors,

we're going to make it now. Strangereal. It's just strange, but anyways, let's do it. I'm saying that that's influencing, because they're so close for me. What maybe tips the scales? What if I'm in that situation? Because I'm not getting the dollars.

Well, we already know Mitch never tips the scales. That's true. Let's say our decision. Ba da ba ba ba. Sausage and mushrooms with a bag. Wow. McGriddles moving on to the final four. You're a fucking, you're a damn fool.

You know that? You're a damn fool. You got rid of the Big Mac too. You're realizing I'm agreeing with our guest. So by saying that, by proxy, you were saying that about our guest. Our guest is good. Our guest is not a fool. It's okay.

I can be a little foolish at times, and maybe I am being a little foolish, but I feel like I'm a griddle's like me a little extra. Yeah. I just, I just... I'm a McGriddle. So I voted for me. This is like an I am Spartacus moment.

I'm a McGriddles. Ah, I don't know who to get angry at. No, I'm angry at you, Wiger. The Big Mac, the McGriddle. This is just some fucking bullshit that's going on right now. I'm pissed off. I'm saying how I feel. Merry Christmas.

I'm saying how I feel in my heart. And in the next round, Sausage Egg and Cheese McGriddles will take on fries in the final fork to see who moves on to the championship. Wow, what a matchup that shall be. So long Sausage Egg and Cheese McGriddles. Yeah. Maybe the Sausage Egg and Cheese McGriddles

would be able to stand up to fries, but not the Sausage Egg and Cheese McGriddles. I don't think so. Well, we'll never know, because it has been eliminated unless someone brings it back from the grave on next week's Do-Wiz Double. You are a true fool.

Next, next region. Beverages in McCafe. One seed. Coca-Cola. Taking on the sixth seed. Shamrock Shake. And Mitch, you and I made a judgment call because we know Shamrock Shake

is at a disadvantage here. We also introduced the Oreo Shamrock McFlurry as being encompassed by the seed. So the Coca-Cola is taking on, it's taking it up both ends from the Shamrock Shake and the Oreo Shamrock McFlurry. That sounds perverted.

Can it survive? All right, sorry. Look. It's getting finger cuffed by the Shamrock Shake and the Oreo Shamrock McFlurry. Oh my God. I got a late night Saturday Mickey D's wager. The Shamrock Shake was the best one I had all turned.

Wow. What made it good? It proved that it belonged there. It tasted better. It wasn't too minty. It wasn't not minty enough. It tasted fresh. I don't know.

It just tasted good. And I was actually really enjoying it. It felt like it belonged. This battle is tough though. I think that Coke is one of the top four items at McDonald's. For sure. And it's deserved that number one seed. Absolutely.

And so we did this. I did this match up again today with the Oreo Shamrock McFlurry. And it was tasty. It's very tasty. I think I do still enjoy the Shamrock Shake more. But I'm going to say this. The Coke didn't show up.

You and I went together to McDonald's today. The Coke was out of syrup on one side and then flat on both sides. Mine was low-carbonation. And it was just a... And it was flat on both sides. Rarely happens. But it does happen occasionally.

And it happened today in its biggest game of the year. It's fucked up. Nick, go ahead. Say your thoughts. I didn't even bother getting the Shamrock Shake because I know I hate it at this point. I got a better version of it last time. And I still was like,

this is just drinking cold toothpaste. I don't like it. But the Oreo Shamrock McFlurry is, I tell you, an improvement. And I think Emma agrees with me on this. I do. That it is a... By virtue of having those blended-up Oreo pieces,

it just gives it a little bit of chocolate, a little bit of texture that cuts through that super-duper harsh wintergreen character it has to it. And I just like it a lot more. I will say we had a McMishap here, where we ordered our Oreo Shamrock McFlurry. A McMishap. There's going to be a McMurder before this is all over.

And they just gave us regular Oreo McFlurries. And I went up there and got it rectified. Mitch, of course, came up and made fun of me for doing that. But what are we supposed to do? We should not have Oreo Shamrock McFlurry in the tournament? We were having fun when I went up there and made fun of you for it. I went up and said, excuse me, sir, my McFlurry isn't minty in front of Wyger.

And it was funny. In front of a bunch of civilians who don't know our relationship. But they probably needed a chuckle. Everyone's scared of Corona. And they're like, look at these two. Lovebirds having a quarrel. Also, I want to say that you were rectified when you went up to get that correction.

I'm trying to say you had a boner. No, no, I got it. I fully got it. Like, erectified. I was thinking rectified like rectum. Oh, wait. I should have said erectified. But I got it.

I got the boner. I thought it was a rectified. Nicole. I'm here for you. I got it. Yeah. I appreciate that. But I want to say this.

Yes. You were erectified. Yes, of course. But you didn't get a new Coke. You got a new McFlurry. You didn't get a new Coke. Great point. But hey, here would be my argument.

Here's what I would say to you. The Coke was a Coke. Yeah. The McFlurry was not even the menu item I ordered. It's like I ordered a quarter pounder and they gave me a big Mac. You could have erectified this with the other Coke. I'm just saying.

You could have done this. They had another Coke nozzle, which you said also had an issue. It had low syrup. The one I had had low carbonation. No, no. It had low carbon. The other one had low syrup, too. I tasted both of them.

You just said that. Yeah, that's what I said. No, his side that he got, the one that he got had low syrup and low carbonation. The other side had just low carbonation. I had the syrup. I think that's what I had. Okay.

Yes, you did. You had the same one I had. Yeah. Got it. Which tasted pretty wild. Well, we got that one off of the good tap. I will say that the... Here's me to finish my anecdote.

I found this fascinating. I gave them the two Oreo McFlurries without shamrock, and I assumed he was going to throw them in the bin and then make some new ones for scratch. Nope. Just dumped in some green syrup and threw it back up there and mixed them up a little bit again. I had no idea that it was just the vanilla ice cream

with some green syrup. Oh, you thought it was like mint ice cream? I thought it was like a mint ice cream. No, yeah. I think that's how their milkshakes work, too. It's a vanilla base with whatever, like chocolate goop and strawberry goop. Fascinating.

I think. When I visited my relatives in Ireland, they actually... They're the farm that they have in Ireland. They actually make that green syrup. They make the McDonald's green mint syrup. Nobody believes you. I'm telling the truth.

Nobody at this table believes you. Nicole, I've never been more honest in my life right now. Nobody believes you. You've got a twinkle in your eye, a giggle on your chest, and you're lying to us. It was a farm. It was a farm. It was a farm.

They had they had a lot of they had a bunch of leprechauns, and they and like a cow. They you milk leprechaun milk leprechaun. So the leprechauns are rectified and then you milk them. The Mitchell farm makes the Mitchell farm makes the green McDonald's syrup. Right. I can't believe how long you're following this threat.

All right. Committing 300% to this. Okay. I'm trying, Nick. I liked it. I was laughing from when you started saying it. Ba da ba ba ba. Wait, wait, wait.

Oh. I don't know. Did you say your thoughts yet? Well, my Coke was off. Yes. I didn't enjoy it, but also I hate mint desserts. Yeah.

Wow. So I think they're disgusting. I think they should be put in jail. Mint chocolate chip is disgusting. Whoa. Royal McFlurry with this fucking mint in it. Like what are we fucking doing? Why are we making?

I like mint chocolate chip ice cream. I love mint chocolate chip ice cream. It's one of my favorite things, but you are on the same page with my lovely wife, Natalie, who hates mint in all desserts. I think it's disgusting. Like a York peppermint patty can literally eat my ass. Wow.

I don't want it. I don't want that shit. Wow. Well, we know where you stand. Where do we stand? Wow. Okay. I guess the Mitchell farm is going to shut down.

It can weather having, not having one consumer. Yeah. It's just me. People love mint ice cream and shit like that. People lose their minds with a shamrock shake. Ugh. Let's get to our verdict. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

Coca-Cola. Oh. Wow. It is unanimous. Coca-Cola moving on to the final fork. Another one-seat advances. Both of those just tightens of their category. Just going all the way, all the way to the big show.

Finally, the burgers and chicken region. The big show. What do you want me to call it? I don't know. I like the big show. The big shows. I think that like I'm going to a circus. Yeah.

The big show. It has no McDonald's or no dough boys like pun. Final fork or something. Going to the, to the play place. Oh, the championship. The championship is the ultimate. Yeah. But we're at the final fork.

That's what I said. The final fork. I had a big show as another, just another synonym. All right. All right. You know what? Hey, hey, hey. I liked it.

Okay. Burgers and chicken region. Are you mad at me? No, it's fine. The burgers and chicken region. The nine seed double cheeseburger taking on the six seed 20 piece chicken McNuggets. This comes down to McNuggets or cheeseburger. Which one do you like?

And that's, these are probably the two savory menu items that are, that are the people know what McDonald's that care about the most. Do you like burgers? Do you like chicken? Which way do you go? You have some thoughts, Mitch. This is wild. Mitch has leaned back.

He's got the mic in his hand. Taking a lot of breaths. The nuggets were so damn fresh. So damn good. I don't have to read this off my phone, but I am. Best I had in years. Wow. Fantastic.

Irma stole one. She has never taken human food the entire time I've had. Wait, really? She took one out of the fucking container. Wow. She bit it and took it out and was licking it. Oh. She's never eaten human food ever.

I've tried to give them butter. They don't even eat butter. I've tried to give them butter. Is that a coming? Why, why are you giving them butter? Because like... Just slabs of butter to your cats? Because zip, my cat zip used to like always try to lick the stick of butter in the house.

Okay. And so there's a cat thing like how cats like milk, they like butter too. Do you leave butter out? In my house in Quincy, we did leave butter out. We left it on the table. Oh. I know kind of weird. Also by the way, we were talking about showering earlier and I want to say that I do show,

I do wash my legs, but I do, I don't use a, I don't use like a rag. I just use a bar of soap all over my body. That's insane. Is it insane? Yes. But I shower and I use it. I get every crack and crevice and I get my feet in my legs. Yeah.

But why not just use a washcloth or a loofah? I think there is a... I don't know. I think this is a thing where I think this is, there is a racial divide here where I think a lot of white people just use the straight up bar of soap or just the straight up body lotion. I get when I'm with my family that that's like a little weirder to like share that bar of soap with your family. You're all sharing the same bar of soap.

Yeah. Yeah. That's weird. We got all the same cracks and crevices. I think when they don't, every crack is different. But I, yeah, I just use the bar of soap, but I do, I do. So I'm not that weird because there's people who are much weirder. Really?

I didn't say you were weird. You do think I'm weird. No. I just, I don't understand why people don't use washcloths. I don't know. They sell them in a set. Yeah. My issue, I look, do I use a washcloth?

No. Have I used a washcloth at a Lufa in the past? Yes. Yes, I have. I have as well. And I just find it a cumbersome kabob. You know what? It's like fucking with a condom.

I don't want to even. Raw dog in the soap in a shower. I don't want anything between us bar of soap. Oh, God. That right on my skin. No, I don't know. I think it's probably more hygienic to use some sort of washcloth or something. I just never got habituated to it because I didn't grew up doing it.

I messed around with it when I was an adult because I heard like, oh, that's a better way to do it. I messed around with it. I dabbled. Yeah. I also, I have soap that has like little seeds in it. So it kind of gives you like a scrubby when you, when you use it's fun. Oh, okay.

I think it's, I think it's sesame seeds. Oh boy. Interesting. Are you just bathing with a hamburger bun? You're in the shower going, I'm the meat. I will tell you, I will tell you one thing. I will tell you one thing I don't say in the shower is I'm the meat. I've never said I'm the meat.

I'm the meat. I'm more than, I'm more than McNugget in this, in this situation. Anyways, got that out of the way. Fantastic McNuggets. You loved them. Irma liked it. Irma stole one. Never had a, I try to give him butter because they didn't eat any human food.

And I had butter there. And I was like, well, they eat this. This is what my cats used to love. And then I mean, like we wouldn't give my cats butter. They were like steel. Like they would go up and lick at it. I know that you and your mom are cutting off slabs of butter feeding it to your cat. Courtney would come in.

She'd be like, I'll help. Courtney stays out of this. She, she mostly just liked it, but she took one. I had honey, hot mustard and sweet and sour sauce. Went with some of my favorite dipping sauces and wax deep down. I too am a burger boy. Yes. The double cheeseburger is delicious.

And they get McDonald's. You got to go burger. You got to. It's what they are. It's a burger shop. Ultimately, you know, but what am I going to choose? I don't know. I will say that my thoughts mirror yours.

Wow. And as they stole one of your nuggets. I was like, game over to your place while you weren't here. Second side. Irma stole nugget. I got great nuggets. I got a fantastic 20 piece. And it was, I got it at a McDonald's.

I don't normally go to because I made, I tried to break this up. This round into a bunch of individual trips. So I didn't have to eat a bunch of McDonald's all at once. And so I went to one trip and I just got these, the basically these two items. And I got the double cheeseburger and the 20 piece chicken McNuggets. It ended up being my lunch. And so I just, I, I didn't eat all of the chicken McNuggets. It comes in two 10 pieces.

However, I was going to a function and I brought the 10 pieces as like, Hey guys, here you go. There's a 10 piece of anyone wants them. People loved it. Of course they do. You'll always be popular if you bring some McNuggets. So I, but, but the, the, the 10 piece that I had was delicious. It was so, so good.

I got the same sauce as you did except for swap out honey for hot mustard, which is my favorite. The sweet and sour is great. The barbecue, you know, it's not my favorite barbecue, but if you like barbecue, it's nice to have that option. And some people swear by it. The hot mustard, I think is great. The honey mustard, we talked about how it's, it's seen better days.

But yeah, same thing. They were, they were hot. They were fresh. They were well fried. They had great meat inside. They were dynamite nuggets. Wow. The double cheeseburger was so good and it's so solid.

The meat is so juicy. The bun was perfect. The difference of the components, here's, here's what I would say because the double cheeseburger, let me step back a second. Let me, let me say this again. The double quarter pounder with cheese was defeated by the chicken McNuggets in the previous round in the elite eight ATE. So how can the double cheeseburger, which is effectively a smaller version of the double

quarter pounder with cheese, stand a chance about the chicken McNuggets? Here's what I would say. The balance of components is better. It's not too much meat and it's the diced onions versus the sliced onions that you have on the double QPC. I prefer the diced onions. Give me them little onions. Okay.

So sounds like we know where this is going. No, I'm saying, but I'm saying that, that, that, that gives it a chance. I guess McNuggets, which are a stalwart of this competition and of the McDonald's menu. Nicole Byer, your thoughts on double cheeseburger versus 20 beef chicken McNuggets. My nuggets were delightful, delicious. They traveled well. They were still slightly hot. Um, I hadn't had McNuggets in a while, but they were so good.

And I was like, ooh, baby, these are delightful. But then I bit into that double cheeseburger and I was like, ooh, this is it. It's the only thing I finished. I had a bite of everything, but I finished that double cheeseburger because I love McDonald's double cheeseburgers. I think they are delightful. I think they are delicious. Uh, I also like the little onions.

Yes. I did have to peel off my, uh, pickle. Uh, but some, for some reason, the pickle didn't like taint the rest of my burger. Interesting. And I was still very pleased with it. I had a great time with that burger. If I could marry that burger, I would. There's mustard on that bad boy bite of fault as well.

There isn't. Is there by default? Maybe perhaps they made it on yours. I thought it was on the, on the quarter pounder. There's mustard. No. The double cheeseburger does have on its list of ingredients, the, the chopped onions. You're going to marry that.

Mustard and pickles. I didn't even clock the mustard. That's how much fun I was having. Yeah. I think the other components kind of overshadow. Wow. But it is present. Did not know that.

Here you are. You're moving to your new house with the, with the double cheeseburger. And then you find out he's a mustard. I thought I hated mustard, but I guess I'll fuck it. Because I love that burger. Well, this is a, this is a, this is a tight one for you and me, Mitch, but we are going to issue our decision. We are going to say which one gets the last invitation to the big dance.

Yeah. Here we go. Ba da ba ba ba double cheeseburger. Mitch said nothing. Mitch remain mute. 20 piece ming nugget. Wow. After the bell, but it doesn't matter because double cheeseburger advances in a two one

decision to the final fork to take on Coca Cola for a spot in the champion. Wow. What, what a, what a competition we had today. Wow. To recap sausage egg and cheese McGriddles advances to take on fries and Coca Cola advances to take on double cheeseburger. That is what our final fork looks like. See if your bracket is busted or if you're still in the hunt to win our bracket challenge.

Hey, that was this week's munch madness action. It's time for a segment. We've got a beverage and we're going to decide if you should pour it down your throat. It's drank or stank. Our producer Emma went ahead and brought us a couple of things from the kitchen. These are some root beer variants. Mitch, what do we have exactly with us and what are the source of these? If you recall, I don't know.

I don't remember the source of these. I think we read it on the, I think we read it on the air honestly and then we, we now just have the bottle still. Okay. Oh, we'll do those later. We got a brownie caramel cream root beer. Got it from orca beverage.com and we got and someone, I remember the print. I think we did read this because the person said that they love these, both these groupers

and then a dad gum it root beer butterscotch. Wow. Cure cane sugar. Also as a bonus snack, not a snack or whack a bonus snack. We got from, from when we were on tour, Nick and Salt Lake City recently and Salt Lake City. I thought this was in Denver. No, this was in Salt Lake City.

I found this woman emailed us. I found her name. Oh, for the Motts, for the Motts. Yeah. Heidi McDonald. Heidi McDonald and it was her, it was her boyfriend who works there. Correct? Executive chef there, I believe the restaurant is Motts.

It's apparently doing very well in the SLC area. It's artisan pizza and Provo. Okay. Yeah. I think we're going to have a greater Salt Lake City area slash the state of Utah. I don't know how close together things are in Utah, but these are some cookies that we're going to taste test. Yeah, we're just, we're going to, we're going to just, yeah, thank you.

Not even going to render a verdict on these. I mean, they're lovely people. We can say that they're snacks because they're going to be snacks. Sure. They're very nice. We're going to eat those as well. Great. So we've got those as a bonus.

Nicole is not sure. Let's crack open these root beers. Here it comes. It's just too big of a cookie. It's a, it's a substantial cookie. It is a, it is a big girthy cookie. Radius of a. Of what?

No, this is like, this is like the radius of a, of a soup can bigger than that. Bigger than a soup can. This is like the radius of a big soup can. Like one of those jumbo ones you get. This is really big, really good. It's a chocolate chip cookie. It looks like it has some sort of sea salt dusted on top. Oh, can I look at that one again?

What does it go? And this is not. Butterscotch. This has traveled with us back across part of the country. So it's not, it's not hyper fresh. Thank you so much, Nicole. It's pouring me some root beer into this cup right now. I'm going to take a taste, a taste of this cookie.

Mitch, you've had some, or have you, what have you had so far? You're just tasting the root beer right now. Which one are you having? The one you just had, the Butterscotch. Okay. The Butterscotch. What do you think of that bad boy? It's good.

It's, it's heavy. But I don't really taste the Butterscotch. Me neither. There's like something heavy about it, but it's not Butterscotch. No, it's just like a very thick syrup-y root beer. I know it's not, I know it's not made with corn syrup, but it has a very dense character to it. Yeah. But I don't really get the Butterscotch.

I still like it. It's not bad. Certainly not, certainly far from bad. I'm going to take a bite of this cookie while more root beer is being distributed. Emma, you're not on that cookie. What do you think of that bad boy? I love it. I love a good beefy cookie.

It is very beefy. It is. It's like a hamburger patty size. It is very thick. Very thick. You can taste that salt on there too. I like that a little, a little, but only a little bit. I like the salt.

A lot of times like salty caramels and stuff have too much salt on them. This is a perfect little amount of salt. It is perfect. It keeps the slugs away. It's great. This is great. Yeah. Do you usually have a problem with slugs on your cookie?

All right, I'm tasting this. The cookie from Motts is a straight up snack. Very good. I'm tasting the second root beer now. Which one is this, Mitch? Give me a recap. It's right in front of you. Oh, that's right.

This is the caramel cream root beer. This guy is cute. It's the brownie. The brownie guy is cute. Look at that wealth, Mitch. Brownie caramel cream root beer. Oh, he looks like a little link. I think that's a girl.

Oh, is it? Yes, you thought the hair was a hat. Oh. Nick, once again, you thought the hair was a hat. I thought the hair was a link hat. Yeah, that's a little girl. What's on the top of your head, Mitch? This is just a strange hairdo I have.

Wow, that's hair. That New England Patriots logo is... Died into his hair. Here we go. Here's the brownie. Nicole, you also made a face with this one. It's thick. These are thick sodas.

Oh, boy. This one's a little much for me. And it's like... This one is quite a bit. You know what? This one tastes more buttery to me. I agree. That one tasted more buttery.

Also, it's like more fragrant. Yeah. And it's even thicker than the last one. But I don't taste any sort of brownie or caramel. I could not... It's more butterscotch-y. I concur. This one tastes like butters...

If you... Blind taste tested me, I would think this one was the butterscotch one. And the other one was... I don't know. I think it would just be like a straight-up root beer. Yeah. Like a sugarcane root beer. The other one I could drink, a bottle of this one,

I feel like I could just have a taste of. It's just too intense. I'm going to say a split decision on drinks. I'm going to say this one's stank. And the root beer butterscotch is drank, although I do not taste much butterscotch. The dad gummit gets a slight drank from me. And then the brownie...

I think there's a place for this brownie caramel cream. I think maybe in a float. Yeah, float. Or it's like a dessert. Yeah. Some sort of dessert combination. But for me, for a straight-up drink, it's a drank. I mean, I'm sorry.

It's a stank. It's a stank. Yes. And these... So split decision for me as well. Split decision on these. Check out MoatsArtisanPizza.com as a website. Moats with two Zs if you are in Provo or elsewhere in Utah.

Snack for the cookie. Snack for the cookie. It was good. It was great. We liked it. Hey, that was Drank or Stank with some bonus cookies. Just like a restaurant. Buy your feedback.

Let's open up the feedback. Today's email comes to us from Caroline. Caroline writes, What's your mount nut more? I think mine is pistachio, cashew, almond, and peanut. I find it hard to stop eating those good salty nuts when I start. Also, what are your favorite nut preparations? Thanks, and keep on nutting.

Thank you, Caroline. Caroline, you're a fucking dirty motherfucker. Truly. That's so funny. You're a mount nut more. Mount nut more? Mount nut more. I love peanuts.

I love a cashew. Peanut's cashew. That's two. I feel like those are my two nuts that I go for. Wow. Oh, no, almonds. I do like an almond. Almonds are scary, yeah.

Yeah, that might be it. Wow, just three, and then one just like vacant spot. One just like headless head up there. Yeah, okay. Maybe, okay. That's fine. No, no. No.

I'll think of a nut. All right, sorry. No. Walnut. Walnut is a good answer. Walnuts are great. You know, walnuts are great. Like if you're having a salad or something,

there's some chopped walnuts in there. That'll do you, right? All right, I got mine. I got my nuts. Shower nut. Laying in the bed nut. Standing in the hallway nut. Standing in the hallway.

Come all over your hallway floor. Wally and Armand lick it up. You like you like this butter. Oh yeah, sitting in next chair. No. My last one. Jesus Christ. Do you know the truth of it?

I've said this on the podcast before that if I if if there was to be if there was to be a nut on the floor, Wally and Irma would try to bury it. They do that with any sort of thing. That's adorable. That's not adorable. That is a nightmare. Oh, you mean you mean your load?

If it was a load on the floor, they tried to bury it. That's nice. It is still nice. Out of sight. We don't need to look at this. Let's bury this behind the bed where it belongs. Let's bury daddy's shame. My real favorite nuts.

I don't know. You go first, Nick. The joke version. Almond for sure. After that. Boy, it gets tough. But I think pistachio is up there. I was recently watching and you know, the NBA season has been suspended at this point.

I was watching a game between my favorite team, the Los Angeles Lakers taken on their competitors in the West, Los Angeles Clippers. And it was a it was a nail biter, but I wasn't biting my nails figuratively. I was just just fucking eating pistachios literally. And I was just I went through like a whole bag of pistachios just cracking them open because I was so nervous, but they were delicious. I loved them. I love pistachios and I love pistachio ice cream.

It's my product. I think pistachios had to be up there. Peanuts I'm conflicted with. I do like them and I love peanut butter. So maybe that goes far enough. But also I don't know if I have if I can eat as many peanuts as I used to be able to. I feel like sometimes I'm getting an allergic reaction to them if I eat them in a large quantity.

Like if I have like a peanut butter sandwich, I feel like my body's reacting to I feel like I need to get tested or something. Oh, no. So for that reason, I'm a little hesitant to include peanuts. What other nuts are there? Have you ever had like street peanuts? They're like sweet and like have a shell and I cannot describe them as anything other than that.

And you get them in New York and they're in a bag. I fucking love them. Wow. They're so fucking good. Yeah, like the hot nut carts. Yeah. They're so good. Nuts for you.

Yeah. It's just like a big pile of hot nuts. What is it? I don't know. I don't know. There must be cooked in sugar or something. I have my favorite. I do want to try the hot nut thing because I've always been intrigued by it, but I've

never been. So good. Yeah. I've never been able to do it. Well, you can get a cheap flight to New York right now. It's a perfect time to fly across the country. Just for some nuts. My third slot, my Theodore Roosevelt is going to be the hazelnut.

I love hazelnuts. They're very good. They're also known as hazelnuts. I forgot about hazelnuts, but I only really eat those with nutella. But you know what? That actually, that's part of their value. They're a part of nutella. So can I say cocoa bean or something if I wanted to?

I was considering cocoa bean because if you Google nut, it's technically a nut, but I'm going to say that's not eaten as a nut. So I'm going to say that's disqualified. I'm not going to say like fucking acorn or something. I'm not trying to be cute here. Let's say actual nuts that are consumed and you know what my fourth one is going to be a rare delicacy that costs an arm and a leg unless you're on Hawaii, I'm of course referring to the macadamia nut.

I thought you were going to say coconut, even though that wouldn't make sense. That's not a nut. We've already established we're talking nut nuts. Although I could see you eating a whole coconut like an apple. It feels like that's a Mitch move. Cashews. Cashews are great. I just had some warm cashews.

Oh boy. Baseball peanuts. Okay. In that particular context, they are a lot of fun. That's a real thing. I want to make a big mess on the ground. Is that just peanuts in a shell? What are you going to say?

You're going to say big mess on the ground. You mean like shooting your load? Your cat's barrier? I did not mean like that. Okay. Oh. Peanuts. Cashews.

You said cashews already. Yeah. Oh wait. You said peanuts already. Wait, wait, wait. You said cashews. Baseball peanuts. Peanuts.

And then cashews. Wait a minute. Are you okay? Are you having a stroke? It's my nose bleeding. You like very aggressively repeat it yourself after we had a conversation about what you just said. Okay.

Peanuts. Cashews. Peanuts. Cashews. Warm cashews. Baseball peanuts. Okay. Pistachios.

We're on the same page with pistachios. The green nut. The green nut. Yes. We know it. We call it the avocado of nuts. Oh, that's cute. Oh, avocado.

That's not a nut, huh? My last nut. The last nut is really hard. Honestly, almonds are just so boring. But you know what? I'll give a specific type of almond. Because like, not cashews. What's the other?

Walnuts. I think walnuts are, I'm sorry, no. Peacons. Oh yeah. But that's a good one. That's not going to be my answer. I think that that one was borderline. But pecans can be turned into pecan pie, which is my favorite pie.

Very true. Maybe those belong on my mountain nut more. Well, too late now. I think my final answer is salt and vinegar almonds. Interesting. Because that is a brand of nuts I have and I like them. Ew. Salt and vinegar almonds.

I'll allow it if you want to get specific. I got specific. And it has a peanut butter came here. Is peanut butter not allowed? I mean, I don't know. It doesn't buy a product of peanuts. You're saying? You're saying baseball peanuts.

I think you can say peanut butter. If you want to include both of these. Wait, what are baseball peanuts? I think Mitch is referring to, you get the big bag of peanuts at the ball game and then while you're watching your favorite ball players out there through those nine innings, you're cracking open the shells and just throwing them on the ground. Okay, okay. Making a mess on the ground.

Well, I normally are trying to clean that. They're trying to carry it. Right, you can do that at Five Guys. Yeah. You can do that at Five Guys. You can do that at Five Guys. You know what? That is fun.

Or Longhorn Steakhouse. Or Longhorn. Or so I've heard. That's another place that we need to. And Texas Roadhouse also does that. We've got a lot of places that you can throw nuts on the floor apparently. I'm going to say that. I'm going to stay with all those nuts and then cover it all in peanut butter because peanut

butter is the ultimate nut. Let us know your Mount Nutmore, hashtag Mount Nutmore. Do you know what peanut butter is? What? It's like if a nut is nutted. Yeah. Peanut butter is just peanut jizz. It's peanut jizz.

And that's how they honestly should be marketing it, you know? I think so too. I think so. Yeah. It's peanut butter. It's just peanut jizz. Skippy? Mmm.

Peanut jizz. And that's all the commercials. Mr. Peanut with his monocle out. Just fucking blasting a little. With his monocle out? Oh, I called it. I called it. I was trying to say dick, but I said monocle out.

I guess his monocle baby is out because his dick is hard. His dick knocks his monocle out. He can't see anything. He's just blindly just fucking trying to get at his dick. He can't find it. Hashtag mountain nut more. Let us know what your favorites are. You know what I say?

Replace George Washington on the real Mount Rushmore with George Washington Carver, who contributed to our food culture by inventing peanut butter. So to be clear, you want to knock down the George Washington part of put up George Washington Carver? Yes, Mitch. Seems like a lot of work. Okay, well. I don't think he's going to do it.

Yeah, I'm not going to do it. We didn't like a hundred people die building Mount Mount Rushmore. Is that true? I think probably a few of them. Man, if you have a question or comment over the world of chain restaurants, you can email us at dowboyspodcast.gmail.com. Leave us a voicemail at 830 Godot. That's 830-4636-844.

And the tournament continues on the Doughboys Double. Catch all the snacksion by joining the Golden or Platinum Play Club at patreon.com slash Doughboys Nicole Byer. Thank you so much. Newcomers is the podcast. You and Lauren Lapkus. Mitch and I have both been on it. I was on for episode one.

Mitch was on for episode two. Such a fun podcast to do. Such a hilarious podcast to listen to. Everyone check that out here. It's very fun. I also have a book coming out. You can pre-order it at NicoleByerWasTaken.com or the links in my bio on Twitter and Instagram. And it's called hashtag very fat, hashtag very fat, hashtag very brave.

The fat girls guide to being brave and not a melancholy down the dumps weeping fat girl in a bikini. That rules. It's the longest title in American history of a book. And they'll be on June. Yes. It was May, but Corona pushed it to June. Well, there you go.

And check that out. I have something to tell you at the end of it. No one died during the blasting and carving process of a Mount Rushmore. Well, that's nice. However, some of the workers died later of silicosis. I don't know how you say it. A lung condition. Oh boy.

From inhaling all the dust or whatever. Well, rest in peace. It was definitely worth it. Jesus Christ. That'll do it for this episode of Doe Boys. Until next time for the Swin Man, Mike Mitchell, I'm Nick Weigher. Happy eating. See ya.

Want to see the sources for this week's intro? Check the episode description. On the next Doe Boys Double. Munch Madness 2020 continues with Fat Chance Kitchen. Mitch and I each revive one defeated menu item of our choice to take on seasonal Big Mac variants, Little Mac and Double Big Mac in a fatal four way. And we're joined by our guest, Claudio Doherty. The winner enters the main tournament for a shot at the championship.

Don't miss a minute of the Snaction. Get the Doe Boys Double every Tuesday only at patreon.com. That's P-A-T-R-E-O-N.com. That was a hate gun podcast.