Doughboys - Munch Madness: Pie Noon: Live Chompionship with Nicole Byer & Jessica McKenna

Episode Date: March 25, 2021

Nicole Byer & Jessica McKenna join the 'boys for the exciting Munch Madness: Pie Noon finale and crown a winner in The Tournament of Chompions!The 2021 Munch Madness: The Tournament Of Chompions: Pie Noon is sponsored by Manscaped."Restaurant" performed by PUPSources for this week's intro:https://www.nhl.com/news/stanley-cup-has-incredible-125-years-of-history/c-287633638https://www.footballhistory.org/world-cup/index.htmlhttps://www.ussoccer.com/history/organizational-structure/fifa#https://sprinkles.com/our-story/candace-nelsonhttps://www.dairyqueen.com/en-us/about-us/https://www.benjerry.com/about-usWant more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. 1892. Lord Stanley of Preston commissions a trophy to be awarded to the best hockey team in Canada, the Stanley Cup. 1930. The recently formed International Federation of Association Football, or FIFA, holds its first ever tournament in Uruguay,

the World Cup. 2016. Two portly feuding podcast hosts designate an award name for the late founder of Wendy's and present it annually to the best of the best of quick service eateries, the Dave Thomas Cup. And today, six long, long years after its inception, the DTC has finally shifted from the savory to the sweet side,

as for the first time, this biggie-sized trophy will be awarded to the top dessert purveyor in all of fast food. 11 initial entrants and one commissioner-decreed interloper have been melted down into a trio of elite treat agents, each hailing from different regions of this bittersweet nation we call home. The hot and trendy Cupcakeery from Beverly Hills, California, famed for its bountiful dollops of frosting and outlandish Cupcake ATM. The fast food dessert institution for the Midwest,

known for its blizzards as chilly as the realm's harsh winters. And the mix-in heavy ice cream churner from Vermont, whose hippie founder's socialist politics matched that of the Green Mountain State's beloved U.S. senator. Whose sweets are the ones to beat? Whose toppings will come out on top? Which two chains will be stashed back in the walk-in while the victor walks away with that trophy

as coveted as a cold treat on a hot day, the Dave Thomas Cup? This week on Doughboys, the championship match of Bunch Madness 2021, the Tournament of Chompians, Pie Noon, sponsored by... Man-skept. Ben and Jerry's. Versus... Dairy Queen.

Versus... Sprinkle's Cupcakes. Let's go. Come on! Dough is the Doughnoboys! Doughnoboys! Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants. I'm Nick Weiger, and tonight, we decide the winner

of Bunch Madness 2021, the Tournament of Chompians, Pie Noon, sponsored by... Man-skept. But first, before we go any further, let me introduce my co-host. At a pull arrangements, Mr. Slice, Mike Mitchell! Nick!

What's up, Likes? What's up, everybody? Oh, no. Oh, Mitch. Likes? When I'm in the house, my mom makes me wear a no-peaking mask. That's right. A no-peaking mask.

That's the one time you'll hear that shit tonight. I loved it. You loved it? I loved it. We're off to a good start, then. That was great. I think we're good. I think we might be good. We might be really good, but I think we're good.

Let's send our guests home. Let's wrap it up. Famous last words. Likes, what's up? Mitch, I am so, so raring to go tonight. I'm so excited that finally... You know, the Doughboys are always on the ball. And a full year into lockdown,

we finally do our own live stream show for the first time. That's right. People are going outside. People are leaving the indoors. A lot of people are out now. And we're finally doing a live show over Zoom. Tickets to see Cirque du Soleil tonight. And they're like, well, fine.

I guess I'll see the Doughboys live stream. The lockdown began a year ago. Did you get the night off from Cirque du Soleil? Well, what do you think my act is, Mitch? I know what your act is. You think I'm getting up there and performing auto fallatio in front of an all-ages audience? Cirque du Soleil after dark is your deal.

Okay. Nick, I want to say... to Spoon Nation and Mr. Slice Nation. Mitch, I real quick want to shout out Ian Reynolds, roastspoonman at gmail.com, sent in that roast of you. And I wanted to ask you, how is your body holding up?

Each year we say this is maybe the worst one yet in terms of the physical toll on our bodies from all the garbage we have to eat by virtue of holding this chain restaurant competition. But I really think this might be the most damaging one, just all the sugar and dairy we've had to consume. Nick, first of all, my body held up all right over the pandemic.

It's much like a cockroach during a nuclear holocaust, basically. Where there was no real big deal. Didn't really affect me too much. But I've got to tell you, today I'm hurting today. Oh, boy. Yeah.

Let's just say my mom got a bidet for Christmas and let me just tell you, that thing got some workouts today. Christ. Disturbingly visceral. Why? It's my tummy hurts. What am I supposed to say? We ate a ton of cream and sugar.

We really did. And it's been crammed into... I mean, it's a whatever. It's the same amount of time every tournament, but it feels especially compressed this year. If you're in the city of Quincy, you turn on your faucets tonight, no water's coming up, just no.

And went to my mom's new bidet. Okay. Cleaning out old spoony. You call your bottle old spoony? Yeah, that's old spoony down there. Like old faithful? It's a geyser? Very similar in that you don't...

It doesn't erupt often, but when it does. Wigs. Wigs. I got to get to a drop. I said, how do you hold a spoon nation? Now I got to get to a drop, but... Before you do, bitch, I do want to make a quick announcement.

What the hell? For anyone who didn't see this, there will be a live post-show Q&A after tonight's finale on this exact same stream with Commissioner Susser, Commissioner Susser, Emma, and YouSong. So stick around for that. If you want.

They are. Or go see Cirque du Soleil if you got tickets. Wow. Wigs. This week. Yes. The drop comes courtesy of me.

That's right, Wigs. I'm going to do a little drop that sums up my feelings on this little tournament. Here we go. You can play my drop. Here comes the Sunday. Here comes the Sunday. It tastes nice.

Little Wiggy, I want a treat that's cold yet melty. Little Wiggy, an ice cream dish that brings me cheer. Here comes the Sunday. Here comes the Sunday. It tastes nice. Little Wiggy, why do you wait till your ice cream has melted? Little Wiggy, then pour it down your throat and face. It looks like come, come, come up.

It looks like come, and I say that's all right. Come, come, come, gonna nut. All right. Come, come, come, gonna bust. All right. All right. Yeah, I get it. That's good.

I was enjoying my... Oh, that's too much for you. I was enjoying the ditty, and then you bust out with the completely unjustified and specious allegation of some sort of ice cream bukkake. Yeah. Nick, actually, I got to give credit where credit's due. My mom wrote that drop. Oh, that's okay.

I like it more now. Well done, Mrs. Mitchell. It's the finale, baby. We're doing it. This is wild. This is wild stuff. We are going to crown another champion tonight. Three finalists are left, Wags.

Are you excited? A triforce of combatants meeting in a triple treat match. We are going to see who is going to come out on top, but to do that, Mitch. Wags, wait, hold on. Yes. I just want to say that tonight's winner will be sent to the Cenobites, and hopefully we'll convert them to Catholicism, and they are standing by at the Cloak and Dagger Club in Hollywood waiting for the winner.

Oh, boy. Oh, oh, boy. All right, go ahead, Wags. Some recent allegations have come out against some prominent people involving the Cloak and Dagger Club. You can Google those if you like. I would just choose to stay here and enjoy the show because you're going to get sidetracked and go down a rabbit hole.

But hey, we should get into the tournament, and we should, and to do that, we need the help of our tonight's guests. Yes. Let's get our guests in here, Wags. We've wasted enough of their time already. First up, we're very excited to have our guests tonight. First up, from the podcast, Why Won't You Date Me? 90 Day Bay and Best Friends.

Wow. Please welcome back to the show, Nicole Byer. I'm running through your nigga house like a Tomb Raider. You got a pass-around nigga here, hot potato. I told him, eat it or get out. That show all tomato. But stop licking my pussy hard. I should aggravate him.

He ain't mine. I just let him eat me out. Hey. Wow. Hi, Nicole. Hi, Nicole. Those of you listening in the main feed who are not watching the live stream tonight missed out on some wonderful dance moves from our guest.

Yes, I was cut and loose. Nicole, you played your intro music while we did a little run through. And I think Wags and I turned pale and passed out, I believe. Yeah. My monocle dropped to the floor and shattered. You both were so scandalized. It's just a little Megan Distalion. I like it.

I'm on board now. And I'm also on board. Very on board with our next guest from the Impervised Musical Offlook. That's what I do. That's what I do. I segue. From the Impervised Musical Offlook, please welcome back to the show, Jessica McKenna. Wow, Jess, welcome back to the show.

Oh, man, in an equally as cool move, old emo. Wait, who sings that song? Jimmy World. Oh, yeah. I don't think I know any of their songs. Yeah. And you know, it's because I wanted to be thematic. That song's called Sweetness.

Ooh. It's very thematic. It's very sweet. A little sweetness. And we're talking sweets all night tonight. I want to begin here. You both are familiar with the Tournament of Chompions. You both have made a lot of contributions to this dumb event we do every year over the years.

But we're talking desserts specifically. And I'm curious, I want to hear your takes on desserts. What are your faves? What are your picks and pans? Whoa, picks and pans. Wow. I think that in a really, I think that I like candy better than desserts. Wow.

Wow. Yeah. I know. I feel like it's terrible. Wait, so if someone offers you a brownie or a Snickers, you're going to take the Snickers? I think I would take the brownie in that specific situation. Oh, okay. But I think if I was craving something sweet at the end of the day, if my dreams were true,

it would probably just be like a bowl of gummy worms. A bowl of gummy worms. Yeah, I'd love to live in like a sour candy. Sour candy might be my sweet treat of choice almost always. But I think hot cookie is my true fave if we're going dessert. Oh, hot cookie. Hot cookie is, that's my pick. And my pan would be like small put together desserts.

I think we can get out of there with, get out of here with them. What do you mean exactly? Like a composed dish. Like a small, you know, it's got like multiple layers of different flavors. It's very, like something you'd get at a buffet that comes in a tiny plastic cup. Oh, I know what you mean. Yeah. But it's like approximating something that's actually better if you had the real version.

It's like, it tastes like lemon meringue pie. I'd rather have lemon meringue pie than like a tiny composed goo. I get that. I get that. You're not a gummy fan, right? Gummy ain't yummy? Isn't that what you're saying? Before gummy ain't yummy.

Wow. So Jess lost me for a second, but won me back with that hot cookie take. That hot cookie hot take, which give me a warm cookie any day for sure. Man, I really wish we were all in the same room because I miss that so much. But I'm glad in this moment we aren't because I'd have to put you in a headlock for saying gummies ain't yummy. Wow. And I would definitely soil myself because I am a coward.

Wait, Jess, where do you like your cookies from? Have you had? I think it's BJ's. They have this like giant chocolate chip fucking cookie thing. Oh, the bazooki. The bazooki is an entrant in this tournament that was eliminated in the first round. I thought could have gone all the way. Yeah, I love it.

But it was up against the cheesecake factory. It had a tough, tough battle to fight. Oh boy. I think the wrong choice was made. I'm really upset. I'm steamed. Wow. I can't get into this right now.

I didn't know what it was called, but I love it. Oh, yeah, they're so good. Oh, also, John and Vinny's has a delightful chocolate chip cookie. Okay, that's a great tip. It's very fucking good. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, that's a great tip.

Look at the Italian restaurant here in LA. They took me to a place. So you're also a warm cookie fan or a Nicole or do you have other favorites in terms of desserts? Love warm cookies. Also, my all-time favorite dessert growing up was a peanut butter parfait from Dairy Queen, but included with the fudge and the peanuts, I would get rainbow sprinkles and a Reese's peanut butter cup, you know, to just like help the obesity come to me.

And because it's like a pretty tall cup for a kid to eat. Right, tall cup. That was like my absolute favorite. I am more of a fan of a warm brownie maybe than a... I mean, look, I love warm cookies, but my favorite thing is a brownie sundae and a warm brownie on top of some cold ice cream on top of it. That to me can't be beat, like a chocolate lava cake. Nick, I've said this before, but yes, chocolate lava cake with just a little ball of ice cream

on there. Man, I would have had a play in category for the Domino's Lava Cakes in this tournament. Was that discussed? Because they are, to me, one of the best fast food desserts. Wait, do you like that lava cake better than Chili's? Chili's one is good. I don't think I've had Chili's. Oh, you've got to have the Chili's one.

The Chili's one is very good. I feel like I should be taking notes. There's also like hardened chocolate on top of the ice cream. Ooh, that sounds good. The Domino's one for fast food is pretty remarkable, and they're like handheld pucks of like lava goo. Ooh. That sounds good.

In a pinch for something that can maybe be delivered a little, well, you can get anything delivered now. Sounds like a cool weapon I've got to add too, handheld pucks of lava goo. A little lava puck. Lava puck, you know. Well, we fucked up, but we didn't even include it in the tournament. I agree. I was just thinking, because I believe Chili's invented the chocolate lava cake.

They invented that idea of this molten half, like not fully baked dessert that would come out piping hot with some ice cream on it. That would have been my number one. That would have been my number one. That's great. Yeah, we fucked up. Why didn't we include it? What the fuck?

We're fine. We didn't include it at all. We didn't include it at all. This is nuts. This is wild to me. Oh, there was no lava cake way to play here. Oh, man. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. People in the chat are blaming Susser. There's a lot of people blaming Susser right now. Okay, fair. Well, you could do like a separate episode about it because, okay, Chili's has one, Domino's I Just Learn has one, and then there's this like steakhouse that has one. Ah, shit. What the fuck's the name of it?

Oh, Morton's. It's in perfect. Oh, Morton. Sure. Yeah, they have one. It's not as good as Chili's though. It's expensive. Look, yeah, I think if we expanded some of our regions a little bit, I think we had some

more seeds. We probably could have fit in your Morton's and your Chili's of the world. In terms of sit-down restaurants, we really cut it down to BJ's, which the aforementioned BJ's and the Cheesecake Factory, which felt like had to be in. But honestly, there was, who knows if we made the right call, but the tournament was conducted with the seeds that we picked and we have ended up here. Let me ask you this. I'm talking about, and it sounds like I already heard the answer, but if you go to a restaurant,

you're treating yourself to a big meal, you're like, I'm going to go all out. Do you save room for dessert or is that like a 50-50 proposition? Does it depend on the situation? Well, as a fat woman, no, I don't save room. I just cram it in and deal with it later. I think that's how most fat people roll. It's like, well, I'm not going to like not eat all this. I mean, eat all of it.

Yeah, right. I think that I think for for me, like I'll go and eat so much and like I'll have to like like undo my belt or like put it on the next level. And then I'm still expecting to eat dessert after that. Which is not, you know, that's not right. But I'm also like, like dessert doesn't even count in my head. It's it melts on top of the food. There's a big, there's a big glob of food in your stomach.

And the dessert just kind of finds its way into the crevices. That's what I mean. Mitch, I'm going to give you a pro tip. Don't wear a belt out to eat. Get you some stretchy pants, some jeans with some elastic. You don't have to do anything. You just expand and then waddle out. There's never been more types of stretchy

pants on the market than this than this moment. You could really, you know, Viva La Vida, get those pants that make you feel right. I do not want no belt and my pants just fall down. And people think people think a giant toddler has gotten loose. That that's the other that's the problem. That's the dilemma, because you can be a you can still be a bigger guy. And I've run into those stretches where I'm like, I'm a bigger guy. And I'm, you know, not that I'm the leanest I've ever been or anything.

I'm I'm I'm pretty fat right now. Yeah, I'm pretty heavy. I look like completely complete. I mean, the listeners don't need this. The viewers don't need this explain. They can see it in front of them. So like, yeah, great. You look lovely.

Yeah, that's very nice to say. Thank you. Don't talk about my friend that way. But you can be you can be heavy, but then it's just like your pants just like slide down the cylinders that are your lower body if you're a guy. Like it's like it doesn't have anything to hitch onto unless you're belted. Oh, I guess because men aren't hippie or generally depends on your body type. But yeah, huh?

Yeah, because my pants don't slide right off. I don't need a belt. I've never worn a belt, except for if it was like like fashion, fashion belt. Wow. Yeah, my my my pants are falling down with a belt constantly. Why are you going to be different pants? Yeah, maybe you're not wearing the correct size. Yeah, sweat pants I can wear and those don't fall down. But why are you got it?

You got quite a tank ass on you. Why is that a part of the factor in that? A tank ass. Why is going to have a tank ass? As I've developed more of a rear shelf, I they I need a belt less. Things will kind of stay up on their own. They're kind of hitched up there. But but previous when I had more of the Hank Hill physique,

you know, when you when things are a little bit. So like yeah, most most of your belts are going into the closet for other reasons, is that right? And for autoerotic asphyxiation. That's what I'm thinking. Yeah, yes, yes, Mitch. That's why they're there. I hate Easter's coming.

Oh, you're mad. So you would hang it from the rod and then stand up, lean forward and jerk off. I feel like, oh, I guess that would be the way to do it. But like, I want to sit down. Yeah, I feel like that might not support my body weight. I might need to use like a doorknob or something. Yeah, a doorknob and sit on the ground. Yeah, I think that's that that seems more comfortable, right?

I think so. Is there still enough risk to make it worth it? Oh, I guess not. You know, are you are you are you flirting with that with the edges enough there? If you're on the floor, I can just picture Natalie walking in on you on the fucking attach to a doorknob. I also can't do and she'd be like, what are you doing? Which is so exasperated.

Oh, seriously, and you went with the floor. I was expecting the ceiling fan. I've been prepared for the ceiling fan. Honestly, what a funny imagery of Nick Wager just swirling around a ceiling fan trying to jerk off. That's really funny. Probably get a good you'd probably get a good breeze from that. You were flopping around up there.

Let's let's switch topics. I want to talk about Easter, which is coming up. Wow. The resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. And is a Christian podcast. But it's marked by Easter baskets. You get Easter candy. Are we Easter candy fans and think it back to childhood?

Where does Easter rank in our holidays? Easter, for me, ranks pretty low because the only thing about it is like a bunny. But then Jesus rose and you're like, where the bunny come from? Why is everything pastel? I mean, if it just it doesn't make sense to me. Also, what is a peep? I don't like peeps.

Yeah, get out of here, peeps. Peeps are they're very fun and vibrant to look at, but I got no time for them. Easter was pretty I liked Easter pretty good. It felt like we were getting close to summer. Also, my family gave up fast food for Lent. So it was always like, great, we can have fast food again. And I really could get down with both versions of Cadbury chocolate offerings,

a cream egg and the hard shell. And I used to just bite the shell off the hard shell Cadbury eggs and then suck on like just the chocolate on the inside. So I was very I really, really love both of those products. Still, and then, unfortunately, my mom still makes me an Easter basket. And when your mom still makes you an Easter basket, you can't give notes. You can't give back because it's too sweet and too heartbreakingly endearing that you're like, I just have to accept this as is.

I don't know where this happened, but at some moment she lost the thread and thought that I preferred the caramel filled ones. And no, God bless. And now that's all I get, you guys. And and well, you know, thank you. I appreciate this. Wait, you could get the ones that you like. Your mom's local to you.

So you can go see her and then be like, yum, yum, yum. I really like the ones that aren't caramel. You're right. You're absolutely right. I usually buy myself one a year because I'm like, these are insane. They're so sweet and they like they require like breaks and drinks of water. But I should just definitely enjoy it in front of my mom. Or just you could tell you can tell her.

Right? No, no. No. All right. All right. All right. All right. You want me to say, mom, stop doing this thing that's already so wild that you do. Well, hopefully she's watching tonight. She she she learns from here. Hopefully. Hopefully.

Wait, I have a question really quick. Where did the Easter Bunny come from? I don't get it. It was, I think, Christians or the church's desire to conflate existing holidays to convert people. So similarly to Christmas being pushed to the winter solstice, I think it already probably aligned with springtime celebrations and rituals of like fertility and new life is coming back.

That they just try to like tag on. It's like Christmas isn't in December. No, they think probably Jesus was born in the summer. But they're like a summer baby. A summertime baby. He loves sandals. He's out there. But they were like, you know, it would be great if we could get these pagans

to celebrate something they already celebrate. We'll just merge these and no, we'll know. I thought the bunny was one of the disciples. I thought that too. That too. Actually, yeah, that too. Yeah, Judas talked to the Easter Bunny before portraying Jesus. Come on now. You got them chocolate coins.

I'm not a big Easter fan, Wikes. I don't know. Doesn't do anything for me. Does your as an adult man who lives with his mom currently, does your mom give you like an Easter basket still? So you're asking, will my mom give me like a big Easter basket this Easter? While I guess so, yeah, like a little so like a little baby boy getting a big Easter basket. And will I do an egg hunt?

Why don't you ask that as well? Will I do it again and do an egg hunt by myself? My mom will hide eggs and just I will look for eggs. Yeah, that's my question. Are you going to do that? The answer is yes. Honestly, maybe that would be fun as an adult. Yeah, definitely.

Mike, give me real eggs as an adult. I mean, I mean, eggs, Benny behind the couch. Why is all the gold up? It would get cold. Yeah, you're right. What if you don't find it? And what if she sprung for crab Benedict? I didn't know there was crab Benedict.

There's I'm like, my world's rocked. I didn't know there's too many. There's too many. There's a lot of different Benedict styles. There's crab Benedict. There's I had a chicken fried chicken, Benedict and Canada with wigs. There's a lot of there's a salmon version. Oh, thanks.

So OK, a Benedict is like like little eggies and then the Hollandaise sauce. Hollandaise sauce on top of Canadian bacon. Yeah, OK. And I'm English muffin. Usually is what I think those eggs are cooked to what? They're poached. They're poached. Yeah, that's what I don't understand. What's a poached egg?

A poached egg is you boil water and then you drop an egg in and then it gets kind of and then it gets like semi cooked, but it's very runny when you crack the egg and put it in. I've never made an X Benedict. I've only eaten them. You got to you got to make one. A poached egg is a poached egg can be tricky. A poached egg.

I agree of difficulty there. It's a tricky egg. Yeah. Yeah. Don't be scared. You know, cracks of eggs, cracks of eggs in hot water. See which one of them stick. I got to say this, Nicole, eggs, poached eggs are the auto erotic affixiation of the egg world.

They're they're very hard to pull off. But when you do it, they're it's fantastic when you pull it off correctly. And there's a good chance that we found dead. Yeah, we found next to it. But when I come now, when you double Of course, you'll come. Now, when you double those up and you make an X Benedict while doing that, you're you're in business.

An auto erotic affixiation, X Benedict preparation. Nick, I I've never been a big. I've never been a big Easter guy. I like Cadbury eggs, but I like more. I like the I like the commercial where there's the everyone audition. That commercial is so fun. So fun. But now, but now, you know, that one, you know, a commercial is good.

When it's still running, Nicole, Nicole, Nicole, the seem to not know what I was talking about. I have no idea what you're talking about. People are bubbing. Wait, what? So it's a bunch of animals. Yeah, the cat. Animals are auditioning. Yeah.

To be the Cadbury bunny and the Cadbury bunny, for some reason, a box, a box. Oh, but like a little pig auditions, like, and they're like, they're they're going to only be home. And there's a lion along like the box. Is that something like that? Yeah, OK. It's really good. Now I know. Yeah.

It's in that pantheon of commercials that, you know, it's a good commercial when in twenty twenty one, it's airing and it's in four by three aspect ratio. It's a standard. But you've got like it's that one. It's the how many licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop to do that one. And then the other one is oh, the M&Ms, they do exist with Santa. That's a good one.

Yeah. Stand to test the time. Yeah. You know which commercial I miss? The Hestrux back in. It's better than ever for Christmas this year. It's the Hestrux. Really, like, wait, what is this? Jess, you've never heard that? Uh-uh. The Hestrux thing.

Because Jess and I are both from Southern California. Oh, Mitch, you've heard it, right? I've heard. I have heard it before, yeah. OK. This is I don't think it's I don't think it's four or three. I don't know if it passes your test of the four or three, the Snyder cut four or three ratio. That you need that you need to have your to have to have it. Look at why I feel like you're getting closer to your screen.

I don't agree. Um, why is sitting as far away from his camera as all of us? That's just how large his head is. That's fucking bullshit. Wags, you're going to you're going to you're going to release the wider cut of the part of this pod on Thursday. Is that correct? That's right. Before hours long, a bunch of facts.

Yeah. A bunch more Affleck. That'd be great. It would be. He's he's in Boston right now, Wags. Go get him. Yeah, go get him on the pod. Go to a Dunkin' Donuts. I'm sure he's there. He might be, you know, the original, the original Dunkin' Donuts

is in Quincy, Massachusetts. Yes, this I know. I feel like you've told me this so many times. For those of you listening to the podcast, the audio version later on, who aren't here for the live stream, Mitch's head is occupying only 70 percent of his frame. Now he's now he's doing it on purpose. Now, just his nose and mouth.

This is what they came here for, Wags. This is what they wanted. Oh, man, about to be activated. Hey, we should we should discuss the reason we're all here. Munch Madness 2021, the Tournament of Chompions, Pai Noon, sponsored by Manscaped. Let's get into the competition. Wow. So here's what we're

going to discuss. We are going to begin by talking about the tournament rules for this year's Munch Madness 2021, the Tournament of Chompions, and they are rule number one. Just desserts. Meals may not appeal. Wait a minute. Wags, what the fuck is this?

What is I was reading the rules that I've been interrupted by music. Why is that the commissioner? Oh, my goodness, it's the commissioner of the Doughboy's Tournament of Chompions, Evan Susser has popped onto the stream. Wow. Wow. I'm going to make a brief statement after which I'll take a few questions. You don't sound like you're underwater, so that is a plus.

Hello and welcome to the finale of Munch Madness 2021, Tournament of Chompions, Pai Noon, presented by Manscaped. Wow, this this seems rehearsed as the lifetime commissioner. I am honored to supervise this finale. We have three finalists in the tournament, and I am declaring that we will now do an instant elimination. Wow. One of those finalists. Wow. My jaw hit the floor. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. There is a catch. As previously stated, Mike Mitchell committed a grave infraction by failing to vote in BK versus Sprinkles and would be receiving a penalty at a later date. That later date is today. As a consequence of his action, Mike Mitchell's vote has been forfeited. That's bullshit elimination. That's bullshit.

He will be able to vote in the head to head finals. But this elimination will be decided only by Weiger, Jess and Nicole. This is an earthquake. Wow. Thank you. Wow. God bless all of you and God bless the tournament to the champions. Thank you, sir. Why are you in a dark? Why are you in a dark? Oh, my God, my boss next. And why are you in a dark hallway? You know, cigarette smoking man from X-Files.

Well, one kind of cool. To my my father gave me this ring light this afternoon, which I thought would help. And, you know, it only made it worse. You can change the setting. Oh, man, I can change the setting a little warmer. Oh, maybe maybe that would help. OK, any questions about the tournament and Mitch's lack of voting abilities?

Yes, I got one. Yeah. Can I actually vote, though? No, though, if it is a tie, because I did realize if you all three vote for three different ones, then there will be a tie. Wow. I guess in that scenario, you'll have to vote. But otherwise, no. Susser, I have a question.

Knowing how legitimately mad Mitch will be about this later, is this worth it? You know, I thought about that. And I think that the answer is yes. Wow. OK. Also, I pushed for lava cake from the big. I just want to say that I kept up bringing up lava cake. Yeah, but it was outside. You know what? It was just in conversation.

It wasn't in the tournament. You were just bringing it up in general. Well, hey, I think that, you know, if I'm always saying, let's all get lava cake or let's all get male lava cake during the pandemic. Maybe I want lava cake to be in the tournament. But hey, this is why I'm here. I am the person for you guys to throw in front of the bus so that the tournament goes on.

I'm happy with my role. Why? Wow. Look, first of all, all I'm going to say is stop the steel in this scenario here. You're going to stop the steel. Oh, no. Oh, no. Susser, you're down. I know you're down in D.C. Everybody in Spoon Nation, let's go down to D.C. Oh, no, no, no.

Susser's house. Oh, God, please don't die on this hill. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Wait, I have a question. Is this wallpaper behind you or subway tile? I had the same question. It is tile. It's tiling. It's not. It's great. Is it really? Yeah.

Is it tile? It's tile, not brick. It's tile, not brick. Yes. Great. It's like the hometown crew has visited your home. Look at that. Sure. I don't know what that is, but it's HGTV. You got to get into it. Oh, it's great. I'll get into it. Yeah. So that was easy.

This is this. There is going to be a new commissioner because of this. Just mark my words. This is this is this is fucked up. Well, we can resolve that at a later date. Right now, it is time to eliminate one of these chains. Evan Susser, Commissioner Susser, everyone. Thank you, Susser. So we have our marching orders.

We're going to count down from three without Mitch. And we're going to say in unison, which of these three chains we want to eliminate right off the bat to narrow our field to two finalists. Yeah, we have, as our as our entrance, Ben and Jerry's Dairy Queen and Sprinkles Cupcakes as Mitch's face completely overtakes this frame once more. Him licking his lips and I can't see anything but that. There is a horny woman watching this who's like, hmm, a dream come true. Mitch, you're a beautiful piece.

Oh, man, thank you so much. Now I'm embarrassed by it. My tongue is white. My tongue is out again as unhealthily white. Make sure you can brush that, you know, that's just you can sluff that. No worries. That's solvable, man. Don't worry about it. Don't be yourself up. That's solvable. Wait, do you have a wire brush? Yeah.

Look, what's that? What is it? Like, give me a profile. Let's see that tongue. It is short. It might be as short as mine. Why? No, my shorter. No, yours is short. Yours is shorter. It's so. Oh, man, we're going to have we're going to have to complete this.

And I need to go now so that we can end on Weigar, who definitely has too long of a tongue. Yes, he certainly. Yeah. Jesse, Jesse, you got you got a good average sized on Weigar. Weigar has look at the meat of part of Belcher. I have I have a monster. Hold on, I'll stick it out. Come on.

Oh, yeah. That's intense. Whoa. Gene Simmons, that's short. It shocked me and yours is so long. It shocked me. Wow. Damn.

So long. So long. It took like two beats to be out. It truly unfurled. Yeah, it had to go like dunk, dunk. That was nuts. All I got to say is watch your asses, millennials. All right, the thing will be coming out your mouth. All right, Weigar.

It's just talking about millennials fandom of ass eating. Oh, I see. I'm saying Weigar's tongue will be coming out their mouth. So we'll be double tongue. Yes, very good. We got to eliminate one of these chains, Mitch. We're going to count down from three and eliminate either Ben and Jerry's Dairy Queen

or Sprinkles Cupcakes. Jess, Nicole, we will say it in unison. I will leave the charge. I'm going to say it too, but it doesn't count. So that's fine. OK, so say the one that you think is least worthy of holding the day of Thomas Cup at the end of the day. We're counting down from three.

Three, two, one. Sprinkles Cupcakes. Wow, it is a two one decision. Sprinkles Cupcakes. Wow, eliminated Ben and Jerry's a vote from Nicole. Nicole, why Ben and Jerry's? I just wasn't feeling it this time around. I got chubby, hubby, which is my absolute favorite.

And the pretzels, they weren't fresh, which was like a real bummer. So like some of them were crunchy, but like most of them were just like mushy, like cold mush. And maybe I shouldn't hold it against them because it was just that singular pint, but I did. Wow, I am truly blown away by that vote, Nicole. That's all I got to say. I I normally really love Ben and Jerry's,

but I just wanted to base it on my experience yesterday. I think that's fair. I mean, that's that's the way to evaluate it. I will say in Sprinkles Defense, this was a much better Sprinkles outing than I'd had previously. I went to the original Sprinkles and Beverly Hills. I went to Mecca, if you will, the first location. And the cupcakes I got were, I mean, I got the banana split,

the vanilla milk chocolate, the triple cinnamon, the lemon coconut. They were all good and the lemon coconut, a sneaky MVP in this in this cash. I think that a big issue is consistency between the bakeries, the Sprinkles bakeries, the cupcake ATMs and their delivery service. And that's why I decided to vote Sprinkles out. Jess, what was your logic? Well, y'all were kind enough to provide the Sprinkles, which was which was great. And I had them at their their peak, you know, when we were getting excited about

when we decided to be excited about cupcakes as a nation. But I enjoyed it, but I just sort of found like there wasn't a ton of I didn't feel like the flavors were really popping for me. And then it felt like a little bit of just maybe some redundancies of, OK, these are just as these are several vanilla bases that maybe aren't bringing that much to the party. I did have to do sort of that hack of like making the sandwich to improve what I felt like the ratio needed to be.

I still enjoyed them, but I might be off. I might be in a in a down cupcake moment in general, just like, OK, I know these are doing them for me as much. But they're still it's a solid product. The red velvet held up pretty pretty well, particularly. I was like, yeah, this is this is good, but just didn't really knock my socks off. Wow. And Mitch, if I heard you correctly, if you vote, I believe you voted for sprinkles. Yes, I did vote for sprinkles.

I do. I you know, I'm going to go back on my thing. I do think cupcakes are pie and I think that they're delicious. Nick, I I my mom and I, you know, going into it, you know, Eva Anderson said that they were like cow pies, the the amount of frosting on top of them. They're like cow pies, which is basically, you know, a little mound of cow shit. And I agreed with her. I do think that the frosting is very strong. Right. I just spit right on my screen.

It's fucking sitting there, too. I didn't see it. Oh, I did. It's a big time. All right. All right, there we go. I think more than like two and a half inches of separation for your mouth and the screen might help when just back up a little bit from your camera. Back a little.

Look, all right. Cupcakes are pie. All right. And I think that I'm going to say that sprinkles to me, I'd almost throw it into the ring for a heart of a chompion, because I think that they I just say I'm throwing it out there as a nominee. My mom and I just like we had we had a really good time with the with the sprinkles. We we the first day we got them.

I think that they like if you eat them that day, I don't think that they're that good. I think they actually need a full day of of thawing because the first day I had if you get them shipped, not if you get them locally delivered. I got them nationally shipped, which just comes with a few flavors, the chocolate, the vanilla, the like the funfetti, the which is called the sprinkles flavor in the red velvet. And the next day, they usually taste the best. And I just I loved the chocolate chocolate cupcake.

It was it was really great. I loved it. It's really delicious and moist. It's really it's really great. It's in and and we we were really enjoying them. But look, the ice creams, ice cream just beats it. What can I say? The ice cream with it was we were having more fun. We're dairy do the ice cream.

And I love I like cake quite a bit. But yeah, yeah, that's it. What kind of fun were you having with your mom as you were eating? Like, what were you guys like Tee hee hee and like spoon and ice cream in each other's mouths? I said I said, mother, mother, prepare the auto. Let's take a Sunday drive and we went out in the car and we drove around town and we got and we went and ate different desserts together. And we were Tee Tee.

You know what, today you were having fun because Sunday you both knew when your head was spelled S-U-N-D-A-E. That's like we're doing a Sunday drive. I do. Actually, there was a mother today, but also S-O-N-D-A-Y because it's always a day for her with your son. Yes. And as I rack my brain for another way to spell Sunday, I'm like, oh, I have one too. I have a joke.

I am I today there was a moment where my mom was driving back from Ben and Jerry's and I was I was spooning her different ice cream flavors as she drove. And in my head, I was like, I need to go back west. This is fucking insane. Yeah, that would be a what would be in a rom-com. What the fuck am I? Imagine like just like a sweet, a high school kid drove by and just saw like this 40 year old son wearing a starter, a Celtic starter jacket,

spooning ice cream into his mom's mouth as they drove. Weiger, I need to get the fuck out of here. It's bad. It's bad. You chose to be there. It's your choice. You come back any time. You still have an apartment in LA. I'm going a little Batesy.

I'm getting a little I'm getting terminal. I'm not I'm torn a term and turn a little Norman Batesy. I want to be clear here. Yeah, but yeah, they think a different kind of Bates. Has anyone gone by your apartment since you've been gone? Oh, no, it's fine. No, you should have someone air it out. So it's not like weird, stale, nasty air when you get back.

No, I put I put a look. I made sure that people wouldn't go in there. I set up some home alone, asked traps. Everything is good to go. OK, I I got a male person. They go they check in there every every they check in there every like month or so. It's good every month or so.

How long have you been gone? I've been gone since September. He's not coming back. No, I'm coming back. You live there now. Yeah, you live there. You live there. Nicole, any other thoughts of the chocolate chocolate cupcake

you like any other sprinkles, picks and pans? Honestly, the chocolate one was my favorite. It was very moist. I I don't mind taking the bottom and putting it on top and making a little cupcake sandwich. The I will say a deterrent for liking sprinkles is the sprinkles flavor. The sprinkles on top are so fucking tiny.

And then you like pull it out. And like once you place it down, the sprinkles are like, we're free. And they truly got everywhere. But I thought the vanilla tasted really good. Maybe I should just go with Ben and Jerry's. Am I talking myself out of it? Because I just really like that chocolate one. The chocolate, I mean, that's a that's a fair reason to keep it in.

No, what if I did this? What if I re reneged? Is that a slur or a word I can use in that? Don't ask us. The choose to remain silent here. Wow, like when you're intro music played. Mm-mm, you're not answering that. You're not going to get us.

Not on camera. I think my mouth opened and my soul came out of my mouth. Yeah, it's just a feather floated up out of each of us. And we were like, bye. Bye, thank you. I'm going to go back. I'm going to eliminate sprinkles because out of four cupcakes, I should have enjoyed more than one.

Wow. And I did enjoy more than one scoop of my Ben and Jerry's. Wow, it's unanimous. It is unanimous. So we have a final two some and they are a two some two some Ben and Jerry's and Dairy Queen. Let's get into it. I'm going to start with my Ben and Jerry's.

Yeah, I just I just want to quickly say your wall, it's either wires or it does kind of look like the top of those store bought cupcakes that have like the the it looks your your wall is making me hungry, is what I'm dazzling batter. Yeah, I don't know. They're like weird little squiggles. I did it myself. So you can see, like, it's cool.

Also, I don't know if you can hear the crunching, but it's not fully like flat on my wall is I did a bad job. It's it's wallpaper. Looks great. It looks fantastic. I think it looks cool as hell. Thank you. It took me 15 hours to do it very poorly.

Like it's bad, truly like just all the gaps. But I'm I'm I'm sorry. It's making you hungry. Oh, no, it's it's I love it. It looks and it looks fantastic. Wags, you didn't match as a disease that like disorder where any it's like a cartoon character when you like see an animal and it turns into a hot dog.

That's just like Mitch at all times. I'm going to tell you he's going to burst his nose through your wall and say, where's the cream filling? Nicole, I got to tell you, it shouldn't be too much of a company because my wall is also making me hungry, which is a picture of elephant and a rhino. So it's a big game back there. Maybe some people eat elephants and rhinos.

Do people eat elephants and rhinos? I don't believe. I don't know. You know, I honestly don't know. I don't know. Huh? I mean, I thought so. I was like, you want an elephant sandwich?

I'd be like, no, of course. I don't think I'd want to eat that or a rhino sandwich. I feel like it'd be tough. I feel like I know. I mean, yeah, I would never. I would never knowingly eat elephant or rhino sandwich. I guess if I might eat a giraffe. Wow, I think I need a giraffe.

They do these fuck. Let's do that. Yeah, I love them. Have you ever watched them run? It looks crazy. Oh, man, I love it. It's fun. They're a lot of fun.

They are fun. They're a good thing. You all would eat them? I only want to hear who maybe wouldn't eat a giraffe. I don't know how to eat. I'd have to check if they're endangered. If they're not. They're endangered, no.

Yeah, but if they're not endangered, and it was just, yeah, I might try it. But not for any real good reason, yeah. I think it's just, I don't know. They're so tough. I'd need to know if I was getting neck or not. Dear Lord. Wait, can you, it sounded very funny,

but can you ride a giraffe? Me personally, no, but I'm sure other people could. I think barely, maybe I'm imagining this actually as an ostrich, is that a scene, I think it's an ostrich in Swiss Family Robinson where they're all on different animals. I feel like someone's on a giraffe, but I feel like only a small child could fit,

because it's so slopey. I don't even think it's about like the, I think it's just hard to fit because they really. Wait, did you say someone was riding an ostrich? Yeah, I think in, You could ride an ostrich? I think a small child can,

they can fit in that neck groove. And yeah, I think that's a scene in Swiss Family Robinson where there's like, there's like a kid riding an ostrich. Also I wanna, She says into a void. Famously Donkey Kong also wrote an ostrich. That's what I was gonna say.

My point of reference is Donkey Kong Country. Wait, he rides an ostrich in Donkey Kong Country? I used to play that. He does, he rides an ostrich. I don't know if in the first one, the first one I think of the animal, you've got the, you got Ramby the Rhino, you've got the,

you've got the Swordfish, and then you've got the, is that, are those, wait, is the ostrich in the first one or is it in Donkey Kong Country 2? Oh, maybe it's in 2. I think it's in 2, because I don't remember it.

I remember the Rhino and the fish. The Swordfish has, that's a great, it's a known great music level. The composer, David Wise, I believe, yeah. Noonanoo, noonanoo. Noonanoo. Ooh, feels like I'm playing again. Oh, oh.

Noonanoo. Why'd you know? I used to always play with Diddy Kong because he's cuter. Yeah, he's great. Really? He's cute. When I played Sonic,

I'd always play with Tails, Tails is cuter. Tails is cute. Wow. Oh no. And Tails can fly. Yeah, that is cool. Donkey Kong has the big guy thing. He's a hero for us big guys. I think that they're both cool

and they both bring their own skills to the table. And that's kind of the whole point of the relationship. That's nice, Nick. Is it situational when each has their moment? But we should talk about, yeah. You know that I've always wanted to dress like Donkey Kong, just a red tie and nothing else. Go out in the world.

I think you should do it. I think I look good. I think I would look good. So many people would be into that. Like you're joking, so many clicks off of the Doughboy's Discord is like fucking rock hard right now. All right, let's move on.

Let's move on. Screaming to that mental image. Nick, you never said the rules, but who cares? It's too late for me. Oh yes, the rules. I'll speak through the rules real quick. Just desserts, meals, we may not appeal. If you drink a slushie,

why go get a fussy, the juice is not loose. Donuts, doughnut count, this applies to all breakfast pastries. If it's in a mall, you can't play ball and if it's national, it's national. And we are talking right now, our final two, some of Ben and Jerry's and Dairy Queen pivoting.

From the duo of Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong to the duo of Ben and Jerry. The Vermont Socialist who put together an ice cream empire and I had a flavor that they invented. I got myself the chocolate chip cookie dough. There's vanilla ice cream with gobs of chocolate chip cookie dough, everyone makes a chocolate chip cookie dough these days, but they invented it in 1984.

And their version is delightful. It is just great. The little nuggets of dough are just like the perfect size and they, the sweet cream ice cream, well, I guess it's a vanilla ice cream. The subtly sweet vanilla ice cream is just perfect with it. I think it's just like a really, really top level, high level execution and it should be.

It's the original. I also got the boom chocolate cookie core. So these are the two flavors I got in pints. This is Mocha and Caramel ice creams with chocolate cookies, fudge flakes and a chocolate cookie core. I don't love the core. I just don't.

You know what, it's like me eating Ben and Jerry's is like me eating an apple. I don't need the core. Get it out of there. You're gonna fuck it? No, I'm not gonna. No, I would, I would fuck the core. I don't know.

That's the part. You said me. You said Jerry's like me eating an apple and the thing I know about you with apples. All right. Yeah, but you fuck the core out. You can't fuck the core. Yeah.

You get the core out of there. You remove the core. Yeah. So you can fuck it. You know. Oh, so is that your problem with it, Lags? That the core is in there? No, my problem is, my problem is that I just don't

like having to apportion my own like core bites as I'm going through the pint. I just think it's a clunky way of eating. I get what they're doing and I admire the creativity, but I just, I've never had one of these core flavors that really worked for me. I'd rather have something with proper mix-ins. And the last thing I got from Ben and Jerry's,

this was me going to the parlor on Main Street in Santa Monica. I got myself a hot fudge sundae. This is any two flavors of ice cream with hot fudge, fresh whipped cream and any topping your choice. The gentleman making my sundae offered to use both hot fudge and hot caramel as well as sprinkles. And I took them up on that.

Having the blend of both was great. They offer you, they offer anyone that. You make it seem like it's like a nice thing you did to you. He was like, for you, I'll give you both. No, no, he didn't. I was like, thanks, buddy. That's not what it was at all. Like, but first I got to see that tongue you got.

I know the drill. I got chocolate fudge brownie, which is not my favorite flavor, but was a good fit for this hot fudge sundae. I just feel like it's too much chocolate. It's just like a little bit chocolate on chocolate. I feel like it's always a little excessive for me, but the other flavor I got, chunky monkey,

is just a home run every time. And it works so well in the sundae. The banana ice cream, the walnuts, the chocolate, plus the hot fudge, the hot caramel and the whipped topping. It was just, it was texturally and flavor wise. It was delightful. I loved my sundae. Mitch, let's talk your B&Js.

Well, Y's, I got the... Hold on a second. I got myself the little vermonster and... Wait, Mitch is looking over his shoulder. Can you get me the little vermonster? Ma? Get me the little vermonster from the freezer. This is the best thing to happen to me in a year.

The little vermonster, it's in the ice tray. Please, someone added just this one. All right, so hopefully she'll deliver down here. I got myself the little vermonster. Wait, did she answer you? Or are you just screaming into the void? Oh, no, she answered. I heard her.

Ooh, do I get to say hello? Yeah, hopefully. I think she's coming down. Wow. Great. But I got the little vermonster. It comes in a bucket. It's a little bucket and you get...

I hear something coming down or she fell down the stairs, one of the two. Oh, no. I hope it's not she fell down the stairs. And it comes with four flavors. You can pick four flavors, Wags. Yeah, I'm hearing rustling. That's why I'm getting ready.

I got some flavors I had never gotten before, Wags that Ben and Jerry's created as well. I got cherry Garcia. And I also got fish food. I'd never had fish food. Wow, RIP Harris, he loved fish. I'd never had fish food. And I also got myself, whoop.

The hell? There we go. Hi mom, there it is, there's the vermonster. Mrs. Mitchell walking into frame, into Mitch's, into her basement where Mitch resides, handing over a Sunday and waving, wearing a mask, wonderful to see you. Bye mom, thank you.

Your mom is so adorable. I love you. I told her to wear the mask. I'm very protective of myself. I got, and then I got chocolate therapy, Wags, which is maybe the worst name of the chocolate therapy, like sounds like, I don't know. It's a Kathy punch line.

It sounds like a Kathy punch line, it really does. And then I got myself a brownie, like this brownie, I forget the last flavor, God damn it. I forget the name of the last flavor. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. God damn it, I forget the name of the last flavor. Anyways.

You have it in front of you, don't you? Yeah, I do, but I forget the name of it still. It's like a blondie, it's like a caramel blondie. It's a caramel blondie ice cream, that's what it is. And I got hot fudge on it and I got whipped cream. I'll open this up for you guys to see it. It comes in this bucket, which if you finish this, this bucket also might come in handy

because you will immediately have to shit yourself. Uh-huh. Here we go. This is what we got in here, Wags. There it is, that's the remains. Wow, wow. It does not look good, it does not look good right now. It looks like you already shit in there.

It's pretty, it's pretty. Now. So they just put a, like a Sunday in a bucket? They put a Sunday in a bucket. But why? I mean, I don't know if the bucket was just specifically for me, they saw this fucking big monster come in. Like, oh boy, bring out the bucket, Mitch is here.

Or if all of them come in, if all of them come in, everyone's saying it's terrible. Everyone saw the inside of it and they think it looks fucking gross. It does look pretty gross. I gotta tell you, it was fantastic. I'd never had cherry Garcia before, I loved it. This was what I was spooning to my mom on the way home.

I only spooned my mom on the road, not in the house. And then I, the chocolate therapy was really good. It was, and the fish food was great. Why is the chocolate therapy and the fish food kind of mixed together a little bit. I think they're both chocolate based and there's some, there's some marshmallow. But the chocolate therapy is like super chocolaty.

The hot fudge, the whipped cream, I was just, I was having a blast with this thing. I'm gonna try to take some more bites. And it also has, on top of all that, it has cookies and brownies in it. There's like just chunks of cookies and brownies. It's fucking, it's wild. People keep asking how tall I am in the chat.

I'm six foot three, and I love my mommy. And so I was- Don't engage with the chat, they're trolling you. Oh, okay. And so- It's probably a meme from somewhere. I was eating this on the way home, why is, in the caramel one too,

the blondie, whatever one it is, is really fantastic. And I was eating at home, eating on the way home. And I was in hog heaven, why? Cause I was really, really loving this. I was, it was, it was, this bucket was great. It was a great bucket. And it made me think with Ben and Jerry's, it's that sort of thing of like,

I think that we don't give it enough credit because it just is the, they're the pints guys. They're the pint guys. And we just think of them as the pint guys. But if this was like a regular ice cream parlor, I would be going there a lot. Like if there were more of these around, like around and just, you know,

if there was one in my area of Los Angeles, I'd be, I'll be hitting them up more often. It's great. They're, it's fantastic. I have some thoughts on this topic, but I'll save them for now. Cause I do want to hear what our guests thought of their Ben and Jerry's experiences.

Nicole, you mentioned your Ben and Jerry's earlier, but, but give us a rundown. What did you think of, of what you had this time? Real quick, Mitch, do you think you're going to start eating other things out of a bucket? Yeah, probably. I got chubby hubby, which I think is vanilla ice cream. There's fudge.

There's peanut butter. And then there's pretzels. Are they, they're chocolate covered pretzels with peanut butter in them. And when the pain is like fresh, it is delightful. Every bite is just a treat and a dream come true. But mine was like a little old. I don't know.

I don't blame Ben and Jerry's. I think it was a supermarket's fault for maybe keeping it too long. I don't know. I don't check as expiration dates, but it's delightful and good. And every time I go to a Ben and Jerry's like actual store, it's always like delightful and fresh and wonderful.

They also have pretty good chocolate chip cookies. And then I also had a pint in my freezer. It was the dairy free cookies and cream with chunks of like Oreos in it. And then also has, I think, peanut butter. Very fucking good. For it to be like non-dairy. Ooh, baby, they cracked the code.

It's very good. Wow. I don't know what I was doing earlier eliminating Ben and Jerry's. Honestly, the more I think about it, I'm like, I'm gonna fuck a pint of Ben and Jerry's later. Just make sure you remove that core. But yeah, overall, delightful.

Wow. Jess, your Ben and Jerry's experience. I got two different pints. I wanted to enjoy one of their new things that they're doing, which is the topped. So I got topped, salted caramel brownie. And I got cinnamon buns. And I really like Ben and Jerry's.

I really associate it with the summer that the N64 came out. I feel like that was the same summer my family discovered Ben and Jerry's. And I have a memory of trying to get the marshmallow swirl in fish food while begging my brother's friends if I could please play Toad one time.

And just trying to just dig into that marshmallow swirl. Big fish food fan. And then in college, they had this flavor oatmeal cookie crunch. Yes. I'm just devastated, it doesn't exist anymore because it was so good. Do you have it?

I was at the parlor today. No, I didn't have it. But I was at the parlor today and they had some signage. I don't know if it's new signage or not, but it looked like it had been freshly placed down the wall that said it's back referring to that flavor.

So it may be coming back at a limited capacity. Maybe just in the parlors. I feel like also Ben and Jerry's, I associate with the beginning of the slang trend of speaking in superlatives. And my friends and I just used to be like, no, this actually is the best. You know, when we all started throwing around,

that's the worst, you're the best. This is actually the best. We were like, this actually is the best is oatmeal cookie crunch. And we used to like walk to White Hen, which is like a Midwestern like 7-Eleven and get oatmeal cookie crunch was so good. So I was kind of chasing that with the cinnamon buns.

I was like, well, I know they know how to deal with cinnamon flavor profile really well. And I'll say I had the topped two days ago and I was like, uh-oh, this is kind of a miss for me because I feel like something I love about Ben and Jerry's, I like chunks, but I really love a swirl. And I feel like they sing with a swirl. And this promised me a salted caramel swirl

and I had to hunt for it. And it was almost non-existent. So I don't know if they wanted it to be light or if I just got a weird pint. I'm not sure, but it also came with like a chocolate ganache top with caramel cups that were delightful. And felt like having a topping, it was fun.

But it was mostly a vanilla ice cream with brownie chunks that I was into, but it was like, I feel like this is what I expected. And then today I had the cinnamon buns and it was awesome. It's a caramel ice cream with a cinnamon streusel swirl. It was so good and it had such good texture too and it had a teeny tiny bit of salt in it that was just like cutting through all the sweet.

It was like a real turnaround. Cause I was like, uh-oh. I might have to like go upon my whole history of Ben and Jerry's. This top was like only so-so. This cinnamon buns really gave it a strong showing. Delicious, delicious. Wow.

Yeah. I love it. Wow, well, we should get to Dairy Queen. I do want to say my one reservation regarding Ben and Jerry's. And I just had this thought this week. At the end of the day, this is a chain restaurant competition. And to your point, Mitch,

we think of Ben and Jerry's more as something that you would get in pint form from a supermarket, from a convenience store. The fucking market cut. And the parlors are few and far between. So it's not a deal breaker for me. A meal breaker, if you will. But it is something to consider that this to me,

if we're rewarding the best dessert in chain restaurants, does Ben and Jerry's truly qualify? You're bringing this up now? It's at least food for thought, but we should get to Dairy Queen. The fuck? Let me say this. I went to the Dairy Queen in Arcadia, California,

and I was gonna get something fancy, some sort of fancy blizzard. And I'm like- Also, hey, I'm just gonna say, Arcadia is quite a hike. It's not that, there's a Ben and Jerry's closer to you than there is a Dairy Queen. In normal times, or I mean, in our current times,

in normal times, there's a Dairy Queen as stones throw away from me in the Fox Hills Mall. That's 10 minutes away, I could get there very easily. And it also depends on where you live in terms of how proximal Arcadia is to you in LA. But that's fair, but I think in general, nationwide, there are more Dairy Queens, there are more DQs of all their different variants

than there are Ben and Jerry's parlors. I think that is probably factually accurate. Wow, I just wanna say Salted Caramel Brown, Salted Caramel Blondie was the full ice cream flavor. That's all. Wonderful. Yeah, we were all hanging by a thread. The people wanted to know.

We were really, you know. We needed closure. Thank God. I went to the Dairy Queen in Arcadia, California. I got myself, I was gonna get some fancy blizzard. I was like, what am I doing here? I got the original, I got the chocolate chip cookie dough for Ben and Jerry's.

I gotta do something similar for Dairy Queen. I got an Oreo cookie blizzard. It was the best thing I ate the entire tournament. Oh my God. That Oreo cookie blizzard is perfect. Just the texture, I'm comparing to the other Oreo concepts we've had. The Oreo McFlurry, the Burger King Oreo shake blows them out of the water, just destroys them.

It's like a submarine torpedoing a battleship. Has no shot at all. Just an exceptional version of this. The soft serve, the Oreo, the way that they are crumbled up, the way that there's some big chunks in there, it was perfection. They call it blizzard treat perfection, and I agree. This is blizzard treat perfection.

It was really, really good. I also got myself the vanilla moulate, which is coffee and vanilla syrup blended with creamy DQ soft serve and ice garnished with whipped topping. So this is like a fancy, this is like something you would get at a Starbucks or a coffee bean. This one's for mom and dad, I think.

I think if you're maybe you're taking your kid, or your grand kid to Dairy Queen, and you're like, I want something with a little bit of caffeine in it, you might go with this. I still think it was pretty good. The middle of it was good. It wasn't artificially flavored as they can sometimes be in these sorts of iced mocha drinks.

These sort of, I'm not mocha, these iced coffee drinks. But I think overall was good, it was very drinkable. The one whiff was the orange berry Julius. I think the orange Julius is the only one of these that really, really works for me. The orange berry one was just aggressively sweet. It just had too much berry, and also just kind of that ambiguous fruit flavor.

Sometimes it's like fruit snacks, sometimes they just sort of taste ambiguously fruit adjacent. This was this in liquid form, and it wasn't particularly pleasant. The texture was nice, but I didn't like the flavor, but that blizzard, oh man, that was great. Mitch, what did you get for DQ?

I went to the DQ that was now open and Quincy, had been shut down for, because we're not normal times, it was shut down for that reason. They're also seasonal out here. And so in the winter time, a lot of them will be closed. Got there, there was a nice Irishman from Denegal, who I talked to in line, and he was yelling at his son. He was like, what did you want?

He was yelling that over and over again. He's like, I forgot what he wanted. What did you want? And he was yelling it out loud. And he's like, I asked him a minute ago, and I forgot, and I was like, that's okay. And then we started to talk a little bit, and I was like, are you from Ireland?

Like an idiot. Yeah. And he was like, yeah. And I see you're doing dough boys, turn them into chompians. I was like, yep, it's the finale. He's the lava cake in there this year. No, we fucked up.

Wags, I got something that I know one of our guests got as well. It was something that I had before and I had ranked it my one that got away. I got the peanut buster, not the peanut butter, the peanut buster parfait. Yes. Because I really enjoyed it last time

and I wanted to get it one last time. Cause this is the end. This is the end of the tournament. I wanted to taste it one last time. And I got to say this, I said this to my mom. I was like, this is the last, we're going to Derek and she's like, again, I was like, this is it, this is the championship.

And the tournament of the championship. And then this is, okay. And then I said, and then after this, it's over. Do you want to get my mom down here and correct yourself? And you know earlier when I said championship, I meant championship. No interest in the show. She's gone to bed, she told me.

And I said, this is it, this is the last time we're doing it. And then she said, oh, thank God, the tournament of champions was tough. That's what she said. And I agree with her. It was, it has been tough. It has not been easy. But getting that peanut buster parfait,

my mom and I agreed that this is one of the top contenders of the entire thing. And you know what? Wow. I don't feel bad that the piezuki or the bazuki is gone because that peanut buster parfait is just the fudge is great, the ice cream's tasting good. And it's just a simple dessert and it knocks it out of the park.

And my mom pointed out that across different Dairy Queens, the consistency stayed the same. It would taste the same, it tasted good. Now the big question for me is harder soft. And you know with the dough boys, we're always leaning soft. We're a soft boys podcast. We're soft guys.

It's our curse, likes, but we... Yes. But I think I'm a hard, I think I like hard ice cream. I think I like the hard ice cream a little bit more. I think hard ice cream, it goes over, I think it wins over soft serve, right? Like interesting. But that being said, this was really, really close.

The execution of this, the peanut buster parfait was fantastic. We also got Kathy Wood, my mom's friend. We got her Reese's peanut butter blizzard medium. We made up for the mistake we did last time. We got her the right thing. And then we got a Rocky Road blizzard wigs. This is the, and so this is where we had some problems. Cause there's this Rocky Road blizzard.

And if you see it, it's supposed to be like, oh, fuck, I can't find it on the damn website. But it's supposed to be, it's supposed to be chocolate ice cream. Like it's supposed to be... So it's the Rocky Road, Rocky Road trip blizzard. And it's brownie pieces, peanuts, cocoa fudge blended with creamy vanilla soft served filled with marshmallow. And so this is what it looks like.

There it is, it has this... Mitch is holding his phone up to the screen. Uh-oh, that looks like it's got a core. It looks like it's got a core. It looks like it's got a core and she was like, what do you want to fill the core up? And I was like, thank God, Nick's not here. I was arrested on the spot and I was like,

well, what are you, she was like, we can put hot fudge down the middle. I was like, isn't it filled with marshmallow? So there was some and then I started, I started to tear up cause I didn't know it was happening. And I was like, and I was like, you know what? Just make it whatever way. Cause I said, isn't it supposed to be with marshmallow?

And she's like, we can put hot fudge in there. I was like, just make it any way that you do. And then she did, she made it with marshmallow. But my, the issue was is that, and I've heard this from Kathy Wood, is that this Quincy Dairy Queen, they really mix up the topping. So they're very fine.

That's one issue. The second issue is, is that she put the marshmallow down the center, but the ice cream in that photo, it looks like chocolate ice cream, but it was just completely like white ice cream. It would, there was no, like there was, there was chocolate specs in it,

but the most things I was tasting were the peanuts. And so this was a bit of a let down. I had been waiting, I've been pushing this off cause I knew DQ was a contender. I was waiting to get this one. And then it just kind of flopped at the end, but that peanut buster parfait, something I didn't even understand.

We thought it was a peanut butter parfait when we first got it. And we were confused and mad, my mom and I, as I was spooning it to her, she said, where's the peanut butter? I said, I don't know, mother. And so that one, we loved it. We were just eating that, we were having a blast.

And that to me is that's, it's a real contender. It's gonna be close because I think they're both, I think they're both really, really good. Ben and Jerry's over the top. This one more simple, but both great. And speaking of that peanut buster parfait, Nicole, I know that is one of your favorites, as you mentioned, and that's what you had

for this particular tournament. Yeah, and I stand by it. It's delightful. I did not, you picked it up for me, Nick, and I did not tell you the extra, the extra months I like. I just wanted to go classic. And it holds up.

It's so good. And I love that they put the fudge and the peanuts at the bottom too. So you just get like an extra, like you think you're done. You think it's all done. And then you scoop a little bit more. You're like, oh, there's still fudge left. I like soft serve.

I'm a very big soft serve gal. I think soft serve is better than hard ice cream. Nicole, what was my heart? Well, I will stir hard ice cream until it's soft because I like soft serve. Also, a Oreo Blizzard is, ooh, baby, delightful. There's nothing better. A beautiful classic.

And if you want an alternative to it, put a little hot fudge in it. But yeah, I just, I also like the memories I have attached to Dairy Queen. And also, when you get to a grill and chill, when they have like the food food, their chicken fingers are so fucking good. So anytime I go to a restaurant,

I'm like, do you have chicken fingers? And they say, yes. I'll show them a picture of Dairy Queen chicken fingers and be like, do they look like this? Or are they like weird breaded shit? And then, because I want mine bettered. But yeah, I love Dairy Queen and I loved my peanut butter parfait

and it brought back wonderful memories. So thank you for making me eat it. Thank you for having it. So this was like a childhood favorite of yours? Yeah, my mom would let, it's pretty big, but she would let a child have it. And I don't know why. Wow.

And I would just eat it all up. Real quick. That's funny because my mom would not let me eat the whole thing. She wouldn't? No, she poured orange juice on it when we got back to the house. No, but then she let you eat that bucket?

I mean, her strategies are flawed. She brought the bucket down because she knows it's all over and because I might literally have to use that bucket at some point. If you take a shit in that bucket, I think you should put it on only fans. People will want to see it.

Jess, your Dairy Queen experience, we missed each other by minutes at the Arcadia just by happenstance at the Arcadia. Yeah, happenstance, right, Jess? Somehow I arrived and Jess was like, I just left. I was like, how about that? Yeah, I live a lot closer to it than Nick does. And so I was like, oh, this is not actually

that wild of a drive for me. Yeah, it was, I got a cookie dough blizzard and then I got just a simple caramel sundae. You can get a sundae there with just one topping and I went with a caramel sundae. And I think I really, soft serve, hard ice cream, hard pack ice cream, I think they just both have their time

and their moment and their reason and their season. And I think that there is something pretty magical about how soft serve becomes a conduit for other things that then is a greater sum of its parts. Like a mix up of hard ice cream with that many toppings, I think it's just gonna be so much of a battle. That soft serve just is like little pillows for those mix ins in a way that I had,

I had kind of rushed to get there and timed it terribly. I was running cause Nick was there and just kidding. But I had to get back for like a stupid zoom meeting and I was like, oh man, I really miscalculated this and was like rushing back and eating it in the car and like in a true panic and then got here and like immediately had to sign onto this meeting. And when I got out of the meeting and could like think

about it, I was like, I am thinking about that. That was so good. That really, and for me, my producer, Nick, my good report card place was Baskin Robbins. We didn't get a Dairy Queen till later and when it came, we were kind of like, this is something else. This is, we have like, this is exciting.

And the Blizzard often imitated but never duplicated. It's just, it's a pretty remarkable dessert. The Sunday was like fine, I was just happy to try something else simple on the menu just to scope it out. It was nothing compared to the Blizzard. It was nice. I liked getting something with the curly queue

but it didn't hold a candle to the Blizzard but the Blizzard, I think nothing holds a candle to a Blizzard. It was great. It was really, really great. Well, hey, they're both in this for a reason, Wags. They're both in the finals for a reason. They are and they each have their merits

and they both, you know, hey, maybe we have the best hard concept and the best soft concept. Maybe we're, both schools are represented here. Like Diddy Kong and Donkey Kong, they have their own skill sets. They have their own attributes they bring to the table. We're just gonna find out which one comes out on top. But before we do that, Mitch, yes.

Yes. Oh, before we do that, what, Nick? There's an additional war. This is so aggressive. Before we do, what, Nick? My God. Anytime I at all try to steer the show, Mitch is furious.

I like to steer it near the rocks, Nick. I want it to get rocky and fun. Livid that there's any sort of structure. We have an award we give every year, the heart of a champion, which is awarded to, it's kind of the mis-congeniality of this tournament. There were a lot of, there was a lot of thoughts

on who it could be, like I said earlier in the episode. I said that sprinkles could even be one, but you know, we were thinking there's Armin and, you know. Perennial nominee, pass winner, Armin Weitzman. There's, you know, toilets in general. My mom. My toilets have gotten a workout, yes. My mom may have to replace the pipes

for a couple of reasons when I leave here. But, Nick, did we land on one? Is there a winner? We also discussed the Burger King Whopper, which was a presence throughout this tournament. Which honestly should win. That should be the winner. There's a case for the Whopper,

but I think because it's on the dessert side of things. I think- People are nominating my mom in there and Kathy Wood, but they did not win it. They lost out. Yeah, Kathy Wood, get out of here. And I cannot win it. Poor Kathy Wood is like, what did I ever do?

She did not, a great woman, a lovely lady, but Nick, is there a winner? There is a winner, Mitch. Wow. I mean, we decided this at a time. Yeah, no shit. What the fuck? This year's Heart of a Chompion Award.

They are not represented in the finale, but they were well represented in the tournament. And coincidentally, it was referenced earlier today. BJ's Pizookie. Yeah. Pizookie. Congratulations to the Pizookie. The Pizookie.

And accepting the Heart of a Chompion Award on behalf of BJ's Pizookie, Tournament Commissioner Evan Susser. No chance, so that's what you gots. Wow, Susser is back. Wow. Whopper gets the machine too strong. Pretty politics.

Thank you. Thank you. What's happening with your hair? Did you start going bald? I think I maybe have. It's been a hard year for everybody. Oh, it means in between. It's my honor to accept the Heart of a Chompion Award

on behalf of the Pizookie. You know, if I could get serious for a second, one of my best friends, Steve Lopez from college, we used to get Pizookies whenever there was a thing to celebrate. And I haven't seen him in a while. You know, we were supposed to see him right before the pandemic started.

And I just keep on thinking about how nice it'll be that to sit down with him and eat a Pizookie. Am I getting played off? Thank you, Susser. Yeah, thank you so much, Susser. Thank you so much. We were running tight on time, but thank you. That was a real moment.

And hey, Sussers, you can stick around through the end. And then we have one more announcement before we declare the victory. Wait, he can? Yeah, he can stick around. Wait, I got one more thing to say. I was reading the chat. I know we opened the door and kind of joked around

about me being replaced as commissioner, but I will stop being commissioner when you rip this suit off my cold, dead body. I'm not throwing it anywhere. I want to be very clear about that. Okay, wow. Susser will be commissioner through 2022 or 2023, I'm guessing.

All right, yeah, I got, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, one more announcement before we declare the victor. May 1st, 2021, mark your calendars. Why? This will be the first ever. Because Mitch, this is not news to you, but this is news to people who are watching and listening. Oh, shit, what are you doing?

May 1st, 2021 will be the first ever Doe Boys Doathon. The Doathon! A 25 hour straight charity livestream, which you can find at Twitch. 25 hours! 25 hours straight, we're gonna lose our minds. We're barely holding it together through this 90 minute webcast. But you can find this at twitch.tv slash Doe Boys podcast.

We'll have a lot more info on that in the coming weeks, but look for that May 1st, 2021. Let me just make, let me make promises that we're gonna break right now. Uh-huh. If we get to $50,000 donations within 12 hours, we'll do another chicken nugget power hour. Oh no!

Terrible, terrible thing to decide. Nicole hasn't agreed to this and she's just hearing it now. You don't need to spring this on people. Here's the thing! And why? I'll do it! Oh yeah!

I think it's a terrible idea to do this halfway through a 25 hour stream. We can do it at a later date. I think it's a recipe for disaster. And why is, if we get to $100,000, which is insane. Ambitious targets, very ambitious targets. But if we do that by the 24 hour mark, the last 25th hour, and I've talked to this over

with Gabriel, will be a power hour. The last hour, the 25th hour, will be a power hour, Wigs. We're gonna die, we're both gonna die. Good! It's about time, damn it! And it's about time to decide who is walking away with the Dave Thomas cup. We're going to rate the remaining entrance,

BK and Dairy Queen in four categories. Those categories are taste, travel, tummy, and the one that got away, we're up against the clocks, we're gonna speed through this. First up, taste. I will say that Ben and Jerry's gets a nine, and Dairy Queen also gets a nine. Spoon Man, what are your ratings?

Dairy Queen gets a nine, Ben and Jerry's gets a nine. Look, I'm not trying to sway anyone. But this Ben and Jerry's very close to my dad where my dad's buried, his cemetery is nearby. Okay, all right. And he actually truly died nine years ago today. That's not even a lie. It was today, and he said to me right before he went,

he said, Ben and Jerry's, and I said what does that mean? And he said, it will make sense one day. And today is that day, Wags, but I'm not trying to sway anyone. But that is the honest truth. Nine and nine, they were both very, very, very good. Nicole, your taste ratings for Ben and Jerry's and Dairy Queen.

Okay, I'm gonna give Ben and Jerry's an eight point five, and I'm gonna give Dairy Queen Ooh Baby a nine point seven. Wow. Very good scores. Jess McKenna, taste. I'm gonna give, wow, one was, man, I'm gonna give Ben and Jerry's an eight point nine, and the Dairy Queen nine point one five.

Wow. Wow. Stellar scores all around. Travel, this one's tougher for me just because I ate most of the, I ate both of these very rapidly after I got them. So I think they both were fine.

I'm gonna give them both eights. Mitch, what do you think? This score is bad, and look, I'm not trying to tip anything, but I remember Rest in Peace to Harris Whittles, I remember when we were watching a fish concert, and I said to him, what's gonna happen next? Is Ben and Jerry gonna come out on stage?

And his eyes got big. And he said, and he nodded, and he fast forwarded, and Ben and Jerry, they came out on stage, and they sang a verse to a fish song, why, it's true story, not trying to sway anyone, but that really happened. Travel, I'm gonna go for both Ben and Jerry's and Dairy Queen, a five in five for both of them,

because I think they don't travel that well. I think you gotta eat them near the locations. But I gotta say that the bucket maybe gives it, gives it a half point. The bucket travels well, so five and a half for Ben and Jerry, so it gets a slight edge. Nicole, your rating is for travel.

I'm gonna say Ben and Jerry's travels very well because it's frozen, and I did pints, and I don't normally go to the scoop shop. So I'm gonna say seven, no, I'm gonna give it, I'm gonna give it a eight point eight. And Dairy Queen doesn't travel super well, especially if you put hot fudge on something, but mine wasn't like melty, melty, this is sad for me.

I still loved it. So I'm gonna give it a seven point nine, six, two. Wow, very precise, to the thousandth decimal place. Jess McKenna, travel. Nick, when I first arrived at the location that we missed each other by moments, I was very sad, and it felt very sad. It was sort of dim, and at first,

the way that I approached, I thought it was closed and it was about to be just truly devastated. It was sort of a bummer of an ambiance, but the man behind the counter packed it up really, really well and quickly and efficiently. And so I'm gonna say a seven for Dairy Queen for travel because he really packaged it really well and pretty quickly, and I'm gonna say, yeah,

a six point three point one four for Ben and Jerry's. Wow, wow, really getting precise here. That's a great point because the guy did a great job and I'm sure it was the same, unless there was a shift change right then, I was probably the same gentleman. I did say, quick, get out of here, he's coming. That peanut butter parfait, which had to travel

and he made sure it was upright and fully contained, so yeah, that is absolutely to its credit and to his credit. Next category, tummy. I mean, these are both the buckles. I don't know what to, this is like, they both get ones. This is, I'm gonna ruin my digestive tract if I have these ever.

It's worth it because they're delicious, but what do I, being honest, this is absolutely a travesty to be as far as my gastrointestinal tract is concerned. Now, Mitch, I'm gonna be interested to see whose memory you invoke for this category. Yeah, if you need dead people, my parents are dead, you can have them. Look, I'm not trying to sway anyone,

but Nicole's parents both loved Ben and Jerry's. I didn't know, I get to know Nicole's parents, but I love her and I love them, but I'm gonna say this, that Ben and Jerry are both progressives and they donate a lot of charities to, they donate to a lot of charities and a lot of good causes, Nick,

with the money they make from Ben and Jerry's. And I'm not trying to sway anyone, but I've never heard a Dairy Queen doing that shit, but anyways, Tummy is one for Ben and Jerry. I nearly went to the bathroom in the car on the way home and I've been going all day and I'm very happy this tournament is over. I think I'm lactose intolerant.

I think that I am lactose intolerant. I don't think I can drink milk or eat any dairy products. I found this out and it was just a hellish day, only topped off by the fact that we had to do this show after just laying around all day. So one for that and then I'd say a four for Dairy Queen, slightly better, but still bad.

Dairy Queen Corp and Children's Miracle Network hospitals have raised $6.9 billion for children's hospitals since 1983, so there you go. Nicole, your thoughts on Tummy. Yeah, but you know what? It could have been some bad kids. Fair, that's fair. Whoa, yeah, yeah.

It could have been some bad kids who were healthy. It could have been. It could have been. I'm gonna give them both a 1.8. I am lactose intolerant. Like I know this about myself. I did not have fun after eating them and I think that's all I'd like to say about that.

Fair enough. I think I had some benefits of some spacing, which I think helped me in this arena. So I think I'm gonna give threes to both. Some rumbles, but no danger zones. Wow. And I guess that brings us to the one that got away. This is not a numerical score.

This is just a pick'em. This is just which one were you thinking about later? Which one were you like, hmm, what might have been? My honest answer, Mitch and Susser, let me know if this is allowed. The one I was thinking about after eating all this, the next day being today, sprinkles cupcakes. Jesus Christ.

Not allowed. Okay, then my answer is Dairy Queen. Mitch, go ahead. Okay. I mean, my answer is Brigham's. I've missed Brigham's ice cream more than anything. What the fuck are you talking about? Or a whopper?

I mean, anything of the two, the one that got away. And look, like I said, there's Harris, there's my dad, there's Nicole's parents, there's the progressive, I mean, Dairy Queen is Republican and Ben and Jerry's is, they're liberal wigs. And I just wanna say that, and look, Bernie Sanders is up there in Vermont,

it's a good place, it's a good area. The one that got away for me is the Peanut Buster Parfait. Wow. What? I'm gonna be real, I gotta be real. The Peanut Buster Parfait is the one that got away. Does that mean it's gonna win? I don't know.

As people watching this have observed, my jaw has dropped repeatedly at all the revelations. Your tongue rolled out. Like betel juice. Definitely the case with what you just said. Do the Peanut Buster Parfait is your answer, I'm gobsmacked. Nicole, which one got away from your perspective? That Peanut Buster Parfait, baby.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Jess McKenna. Oatmeal cookie crunch. Wow. Sounds like an answer. I just really, it got away,

and I really wish they would bring it back. Everything I got was chasing a memory of 10 years ago that I wish I had. I also feel like in hearing all the talk around all these desserts, I just wanna give a shout out to Oreos, because I feel like a brilliant dessert themselves that make other desserts happen.

Like I can't even think of another thing that does that as well as an Oreo. Good job, Oreo. I agree. Yeah, good job. Maybe Oreo should get the heart of a chompy in a word. Yeah, maybe we should give it to Oreo. Yeah.

Pizookie is great. Should we do the whole bit again? No. Okay, I don't know, just throwing it out. There is a Cookies and Cream Pizookie, which I had and Gabris also had in our first episode of Munch Madness this year, and it's delicious, it's delightful.

So that's a great point, Jess. Also Oreos are vegan. If you're vegan, if you're in a... Which is so wild to me. You gotta treat him good enough, yeah. Wait, what beat out a Pizookie? Cheesecake, right?

Cheesecake factory. Oh, you did say that. It was a split decision, yeah. Wow, well, I guess it's time for us to decide the winner, and Jess, you have been a huge part of the lore of Munch Madness. It was you who, back in our very first year, when it was Burger Brawl,

decreed that the way we should evaluate this is which one should we send to the aliens to represent the burger ideal? And as this tournament has gone through subsequent years, we have come up with progressively shittier versions of that. Until now, today, when we're at the worst one, this year, it's which one are we giving to the Stenobytes from Hellraiser

to convert them to Catholicism? So that's where we're at. The female Stenobyte? Jess just crossed herself. Pinhead, Butterball, the female Stenobyte Chatterer. That's right. They're all waiting. They're all standing by at the Cloak and Dagger,

and they're ready. You did it once. You had an hour and a half to think about it, and decided, let's go back there. Which one are we delivering to the Stenobytes to turn them into Catholics' wigs? That's right. Which dessert is so delectable,

it will turn these Hellraisers into Christ-praisers. Who walks away with the Dave Thomas cup? Let's crown a champion. Let's figure out which bite we're giving to the Stenobytes. We will count down from three to one. Susser in the event of a tie, what happens? Do we have two champions? Emma is prepared to break a tie.

Wow. Our producer, Emma Erdbrink, will come in with a tie-breaking vote. If it is needed, we are going to find out if that's the case. As we crown the winner of Munch Madness 2021, the Tournament of Chompians, Pynoon, here we go. Mitch is extremely close to the camera. Nine years ago today. Just his mouth.

My father passed away, almost at this time. Here we go. Almost at this time. That's right. Grim detail. Here we go. Really bumming absolutely everyone else. Here we go. Here we go. We're going to count down from three. All right, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'm nervous. Just also remember that the pints, but you got to remember the pints are also cool too, because you can get them at 7-Eleven and you really get the experience. But anyways, here we go. The pints are great. Three. Susser, you want to count us down? Yes. Okay, here we go.

Three. Two. One. Dairy Queen. Queen. Wow. Dairy Queen wins. Dairy Queen wins. Wow. Three to one.

A split decision, a banana split decision, if you will. Dairy Queen's name will be etched upon the Dave Thomas cup for all eternity. What a night, what a moment. After everything I told you. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I do think Emma's saying in our group chat

that she was going to vote for Ben and Jerry, so if it was tied, it would have gone to B and J's, but it's Moots. Dairy Queen takes it. Wow. What a run for Dairy Queen. And you know what? I will say to its credit, I think if we're going to talk about which is the best fast food version of dessert, I do think Dairy Queen absolutely...

This insane bullshit you came up with today, that fucking... Absolutely deserves that title. And you know what, Mitch? Hey! Long live the Queen, baby. Long live the Queen. And as grumpy as you may be, I think you're probably delighted to be done with Pine Noon, because we don't have to eat any more desserts like that. We don't have to gorge on sweet treats.

Maybe ever again. Nick, there was a lot of tummy troubles, and I'm happy it's over, but I do think that there should be some sort of chocolate lava cake play-in. I think we maybe have to just... It's over. We have play-in. It's over. It's over. It's over. It's the end.

But maybe Ben and Jerry can come back somehow. Just maybe like a double down the road where you pair lava cakes with your favorite tiki drinks, and it's a lava flow, you know? Oh, that's a great idea. That's really good. You have now just committed to that double. Sorry, Jess, you're in. We can talk about that after math a little bit more

in the live post-show Q&A. Again, stick around if you like. And hey, that's tonight's show. Nicole Byer, Jessica McKenna, Evan Susser. Thank you so much for being here. What an absolute treat. As sweet as these treats were, nothing is sweeter than tonight's guests.

An absolute thrill to have you here. Yes, nice. And we also have to thank Kyle from On Location, who fucking crushed it putting this together, and our producers, Emma and the Drop King. And now we have a special final treat to mark the end of Munch Madness 2021, performing their song, Restaurant.

Please welcome Pop. Happy eating. See ya. The restaurant. In the end, the restaurant. I can't get away. I'm saving room for dessert. Room be blown.

Letting myself down. The restaurant's starting to blow. I need it all before it's all gone. You only wanted when you're born with the belly. I hope you wanted when we see it at the restaurant. At the what? At the dinner. 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

At the restaurant. But someone's killing me. I didn't mean to eat pie. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. It isn't as if me. I just really want more. I'm alive. But someone's killing me.

I don't want to eat pie. Room be blown. Letting myself down. The restaurant's starting to blow. I need it all before it's all gone. Why won't you stop? Oh, the restaurant's starting to blow. Ready, fire, let's go.

Sometimes it's pleasure, sometimes it's home. Room be blown. Room be blown. Letting myself down. Room be blown. Room be blown. Letting myself down. The restaurant's starting to blow.

Letting myself down. The restaurant's starting to blow. I hit it all before it fell apart. What are you doing now? Room be blown. The restaurant's starting to blow. Letting myself down. The cold day's waiting for us.

I hit it all before it fell apart. The restaurant's starting to blow. The restaurant's starting to blow. The restaurant's starting to blow. I want to see the sources for this week's intro. Check the episode description.