Doughboys - Munch Madness: Poquito Más vs. Qdoba vs. Taco Bell with Nicole Byer

Episode Date: March 28, 2019

For the finals of this year's Munch Madness, Tournament of Chompions: Mouth of the Border edition, we're joined by Nicole Byer (Nailed It!, Why Won't You Date Me?) to determine this year's winner between Poquito Más, Qdoba, and Taco Bell. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Previously on Fat Chance Kitchen. It's either going to be a Poquito Mas or Del Taco. We're saying the one we like the least, the one we think should be condemned to the fate of being eaten by Bruce the Shark. We will count down from three. Three, two, one. Del Taco. Poquito Mas.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Del Taco loses. Poquito Moss re-enters the tournament. Nick, you fool! One month ago, the adventure of a lifetime began. Six Mexican-American chain restaurants were stranded on a metaphorical island to see who could survive the elements in a punishing fast food gauntlet. Since then, three competitors have had their flames snuffed out like spicy salsa chased by a dollop of sour cream.

And now, with the championship on the line just three remain spanning the category's entire price spectrum q doba the denver founded fast casual outlet that's made a cinderella run to the finals defeating heavyweights chipotle and del taco poquito moss the la icon and winner of the losers bracket fat chance kitchen which clawed its way to a rematch with a chain that defeated it. And that chain, Taco Bell, the largest Mexican fast food restaurant in the world and one that revels in

pushing the boundaries of South of the Border fare. Who will emerge victorious and have their name engraved on the most prestigious award in chain restaurant podcasting? The Dave Thomas Cup. Who will be the Munch Madness survivor? This week on

Doughboys, the finale of Munch Madness 2019, the Tournament of Champions, Mouth of the Border, Poquito Mas, Qdoba, Taco Bell. Let's go! Taco Bell.

Let's go. Go, it's the Doughboyz. The Doughboyz. Welcome to Doughboyz Live. How's everybody doing out there! Guys, you are in for some real stupid bullshit. This is gonna be a fucking mess.

Let's get on with it. Before we go any further, this week's roast is courtesy of Taylor from Charlotte. Let me introduce my co-host, Robert Kraft Mac and Cheese. Make some noise for the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell!

Thank you! Speak the rhythm on your own Speak the rhythm on your own That's right. Like you could read that sign. I held it up. It wasn't disparaging to me, right? No, yeah, no. I had a bunch of spoons on me.

I passed the test in a way. For those of you listening to this who aren't in this venue, Mitch, we had a fan made sign That I believe said Mitch got into college on his own marriage That's right 30 seconds ago I was on a toilet Jesus

That's not a lie I mean You song was like nervously like waiting. I think he almost came into the bathroom. He had toilet paper wrapped around his hand ready to help me. This is a... Thank God it's over.

I know, right? We're getting some reverb. What's the reverb source? Is it your mic on the table, you fool? I don't know if it's the mic on the table. Well, look, this was out here. I don't know where this is supposed to go. I'm going to move it over to the piano.

Wow, what a pro. Did that solve anything? It's rolling. It's rolling. It's going to fall off. Push the off button, Nick. There's an on and off button. This fucking, this hunk with the headband over on the side.

He is one. Grab the microphone before it fell to the ground. He's a billion times cooler than you are. TBS hates this guy because he prevented a mic from being dropped. That was worth it. We all agree that was worth it just switch turn it to off I turned it off

it almost rolled the other way you looked at it and saw it rolling and still didn't respond alright sorry Mitch this has been quite a journey for us You looked at it and saw it rolling and still didn't respond. All right, sorry. Mitch, this has been quite a journey for us this month. We're still getting reverb. I don't know what to tell you.

I don't know what to tell you. Is it bad out there? Is it okay? It's fine. Everyone says it's fine. So we're just feeling it up here. I'm sure you're going to be thinking about it the rest of the show. That's all I can think about is this reverb. Fix it in post.

She's right. Okay, we'll fix it in post. Fix the whole of the show. That's all I can think about is this reverb. Fix it in post. She's right. We'll fix it in post. Fix the whole show in post. So delete the MP3? Mitch, this was really like, in a way, I envy you because we both... What?

In one specific way, I envy you, which is that you did, you used the toilet in advance of this live show, whereas I feel like we both ate a bunch of Mexican food backstage like a half hour ago. More than any man has ever eaten in one city.

Right. And I don't... No, there's no human being. It was so much food. It was excessive. We'll get into that in a bit, but I do feel like I've walked out here with a loaded gun. Like, it's just like... Jesus. A metaphorical loaded gun. Let's all calm down.

You got a fucking trigger finger, too. An itchy trigger finger. Mitch, uh... Well, yeah, we planned it poorly. We planned it poorly. We were going to eat at 6.30. We were going to give ourselves half an hour to eat

fucking four burritos and four tacos. Right. It was stupid. It was, yeah. Look, everything about this has been a debacle, including this show

that's happening right now. But thankfully, it's almost at its end. Rest in peace to Rob Gronkowski's football career. Gronk is out. Gronk is out. Gronk is retired.

I wore the sweatshirt in his honor. I would have worn it anyways. It's one of three I wear. What do you think Gronk is going to do in retirement? Get a PhD in microbiology? He too got into college on his own merits. I want to say howdy ho to Spoon Nation and Nick

I'm going to hit him with a little drop. They were knocking penises all around the apartment when I came home. They were knocking penises everywhere. Penises everywhere. Penises everywhere. Penises everywhere. Penises

everywhere. Penises everywhere. Penises everywhere. Penises everywhere. Penises everywhere. Penises everywhere. That's from Peter Sullivan. Hope you like my first attempt at a drop

Have been a big fan for a while Spoon Nation Peter Oh that's nice He got it in a show for God's sakes You can't top that You might as well end it Wait end it all? Yeah

You always look over at me when those are playing like i like can do anything to help you in this situation it is partly your fault that we're in this situation what do you mean doing the doing this doing this tournament of champions doing the podcast yeah so it does fall on you 50 that's true but you know what it's important business we gotta figure it out and and i think you know there is again you know we know, we got the Dave Thomas Cup is in the building. It's sitting on the table in front of us. The stakes are established. This is what is on my kitchen table all year round.

Yeah. You could find another place for it. You choose not to. Oh, cool. I'm saying you could display it tastefully on a shelf or something. Where am I supposed to put it? Put it, you could put it away. Hey, man.

Don't worry about it. It's a Munch Madness trophy cup. You mean the Dave Thomas cup? Yeah, no, I don't know. I mean, like, you could even put it away. It doesn't have to be displayed. Just put it in a fucking closet

or something. Oh, cool. Oh, thanks. I'll put it in the closet. Thanks, Nick. I'm just saying you're gonna complain put it in a fucking closet or something. Oh, cool. Oh, thanks. I'll put it in a closet. Thanks, Nick. I'm just saying if you're going to complain about it cluttering up your tablescape, it doesn't have to be there. Who thinks Nick should take it home with him today?

Fine, I'll take it home. I don't care. All right. It's going to be filled with fucking jizz. Why are you going to back me? Why would I jack off into a trophy? An oaky cup. You would do it.

Why would I do that? Like, I'm saving it, and if I'm going to save it, I would choose this as the depository over, like, a jar? I'm assuming your jars are filled. But, Mitch, you know, we're talking about the stakes here. Before the podcast, you and I were texting. It moved down to social media. We got attention to this business.

We had some controversy going on with the two of us. I really feel like you guys may have seen this on social media. You may have seen this controversy that's going on. They don't know what we're talking about. I'm just saying, like, we had, the two of us were bickering over something. And it seems like you're going to backtrack. What? What do you mean I'm going to backtrack?

Well, tell them what happened. Okay, so here's what happened. We had a, Bish wanted to have the Taco Bell taco for tonight's... The entry for Taco Bell's taco tonight, for that to be the cheesy gordita crunch. And there was some... A great menu item. There was some controversy over whether that qualified as a taco. I deferred, as we do, to the authority figure in this relation...

In this... In this relationship. All right, fine. We have a professional working relationship, and we have someone who kind of functions as a mediator. I deferred to this relationship. All right, fine. We have a professional working relationship, and we have someone who kind of functions as a mediator. I deferred to this individual, and he made a ruling, and then you tried to appeal to the general public by going on social media.

I took it to the people, and they sided with me. They said Cheesy Gordita Crunch is a fucking taco. Well, we're going to settle it, but you know, I think... It's settled! We're going to settle it. We're going to have to get into it here. We're going to have to see if it qualifies, but... What the hell? What is...

Yeah! Boo is right! Boo him! Oh, boy. Oh boy. The commissioner of the Doughboys Tournament of Champions. Now he won't be able to turn it on. He can't turn it on. Perfect.

It's my microphone. I went over it in tech. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I'm going to make a brief statement. All right. Afterwards, we'll get into it. I'm going to make a brief statement. All right. Afterwards, we'll get into it. Evan Susser is on stage. I should have fucking stayed on the toilet longer. Hello, and welcome to Munch Madness,

the Tournament of Champions Mouth of the Border live finale. Already the crowd is noticeably less enthusiastic. For those who don't know me, I am beloved tournament commissioner Evan Susser. It is fitting that this show is live in front of the fans because this year has been all about the fans.

More than once, we've turned to you to give your thoughts on how to proceed, and that is why as commissioner, I'm declaring this year's Heart of the Champion award to you! Wow! Yeah! Whoa! The fans.

Is it in the Heart of the Champion? Yeah. Oh, you said champion. You fucked it up. Champion is very close to champion. It's got you there. So now let's get into business. First, the matter at hand. Yes.

Does the cheesy gordita crunch count as a taco? There are two chairs at the table between me and Mitch. Cesar has chosen to sit on a stool behind us along the back wall for some reason. Above you. Okay. As it should be. Mitch believes it should count. Yes.

Nick believes it did not. They put it to me, and I said no. Because I think that it's not a tortilla. It's like a different kind of thing that's made of butt. Mitch went rogue. That's right. And he put it to Twitter. And he said, I'm pulling it up.

Very dramatic. All right, everyone. We'll just wait a few seconds. Should the Cheesy Gordita Crunch count as a taco option in the final tonight? No. Del Taco and Qdoba also have similar menu items count in the tournament. Skewed question. A skewed question.

Uh-huh. And you won. I won. 73% of the vote, I believe. So not being one to hate democracy, I also put out a poll. And I said, should Mitch get his way with the rules of the Tournament of Champions because he threw a fit? And guess what? You also won that one.

And guess what? You also won that one. So because it's about the fans, I'm deciding it does count. Wow. Next. I love it. Oh, fuck you.

Fuck all of you. Next order of business. On my very well-received appearance... Will you come sit down here? You look like a shut-in owl up there. On my very well-received appearance earlier in the tournament... Yes. I brought up the issue

that some chains have been neglected. And again, I put to a vote of the fans... Oh, God. Should there be a surprise entrance into the finale? We threw out a couple of Moe's Baja Fresh. We're a couple of the options. And then the last option was In-N-Out Burrito Wendy's Taco. And guess what, baby?

That won. And so I have those here with me Jesus Christ tonight. Which I should warn you, I'm bad at making food. But here they are. Jesus.

And there are enough for everyone. Oh, thank God. So you guys will be able to enjoy those a little bit later. What a nightmare. I don't want to eat this. I'm already so full. I feel terrible.

Also, we're going to just let these sit for another 40 minutes. Did you make these in your car? On my car? Is that better? No. Did you make these with utensilsils or did you use your fingers? Look, do you want to know the answers to all these questions? I mean, I made them as authentically as I could.

Okay. And if that involved pulling double doubles and eating a few burgers as I went, so be it. So I just want to be crystal clear on the rules. This is another entrant that we are judging against the remaining three. This one could potentially win the entire thing. It probably will.

Okay, it probably will. Yes, it is in the tournament. Well, first, I just want to get to the bottom of the lays. You have lays on you. Yes, I have lays. Oh, because have you gotten in that there's a survivor theme? Yes. We always talk about a survivor theme. So I have lays.

Oh, how about that? And also, while I'm on the subject, Nick, I see the way you're dressed. It's not big enough. The lay doesn't fit around his head. One for Nicole. Weiger, I'm the Probst. You're not the fucking Probst. I'm the Probst.

No, I'm the Probst. God. You're fighting over the boring man who gets to be the boring guy? Susser, before we let you go, I have one question for you. In the upcoming Sonic the Hedgehog movie, can you confirm that Sticks the Badger has a snowboard race with Storm the Albatross?

Nick, you'll have to listen to Deli Boys, where we'll get into it. All right. Thank you, everybody. Tournament Commissioner Evan Susser, everybody. No chance, that's what you got. Tournament Commissioner Evan Susser, everybody. Lay is itchy. What's that? It's itchy.

I took mine off. You've got it on your bare skin? I had it on my bare skin. I didn't like it. I took it off. Put it around your hoodie. He wanted to get a tiki torch for me. He was really... I swear, that's the truth.

He was pushing. He was like, we've got to get a tiki torch for me. He was really... I swear, that's the truth. He was pushing. He was like, we've got to get a tiki torch. You would think that a Jewish man in 2019 would not want to be flanked by guys who look like you and me holding tiki torches. But hey, he was all in for it.

He really wanted that to happen. Hey, Mitch, let's introduce our guest. Okay, let's do it. You know her from Nailed It and her hilarious podcast Why Won't You Date Me Give it up for Nicole Byers in the head suck it then look in his eyes then the next day i might leave him on red pop it pop it they dreamin my hot rocket i hit my phone with a horse so i know let me come over oh boy you are a hero for agreeing to this uh the fact what we had to do prior to this show and then now having to doing a full show with that much eating. How are you feeling right now? Very full.

I ate so much so quickly. Right. And that wasn't part of the challenge. I could have taken my time, but I was like, no, put it in your body. It feels like the end of 2001, Space Odyssey,

when I was coming out here. Just the lights and everything. Right. I saw myself and everything. Right. I saw myself as an old man. I kind of see you as a baby. I've never seen the movie. Really? I've never seen anything.

I didn't ask you this earlier. I was saving it. Who are you fucking? I'm abstinent, thank you Alright Huh? I think you have a suitor Alright I'm breaking it tonight

Whoever that was I got my eye on this hunk over here Fix the mic situation Jesus See if Natalie will give me a hall pass that was. I got my eye on this hunk over here to fix the mic situation. Jesus. See if Natalie will give me a hall pass. Natalie, by the way, came to tech and then left. She did.

She's like, I think I'll go get dinner instead of watching the show. I don't get it. I think she'll give you more than a hall pass. I think she'll let you more than a hall. I think she let you skip school forever. Well, the tournament being what it is. He caught that microphone really cool. It was fucking awesome. It was like catching an ice cream cone by the ice cream part.

What? That's not smooth at all. That's bad. That's bad. You ruined the ice cream. You catch it by the cone. Yes. So if he caught it by the ice cream bar, you'd be like, thank you,

and you'd start licking it immediately? I mean, maybe. How do I adjust this microphone? I don't know. I'm stupid. You're not stupid. I've been having mic troubles don't know. I'm stupid. I've been having mic troubles. You're not stupid. I've been having mic troubles on my own.

I'm a big old dummy. No, not at all. Oop, oop, oop. Okay. I figured it out. So the tournament being what it is, there are always twists and turns. And what is going to happen right now,

we are eliminating one of these three chains immediately. Wow. So here's how this will work. We will count down. Wow, everyone's fucking blown away. Maybe the show will be done a little sooner. We will count down from three to one, and we will say in unison which of these three chains q doba

poquito moss taco bell we will eliminate right now and narrow it to a final two that's right which of these three chains are we going to condemn to the fate of mitch what do you want to describe what yes tonight dennis leary the ref will be taking losers, throwing it in the ocean for Bruce the Shark, a.k.a. Jaws. Have you seen that one? No. All right. And you haven't seen the ref, I'm guessing. No. Okay. You haven't seen the ref?

Yeah, what the fuck? Time out. Bring the screen down. We'll watch the ref. All right. It's two hours later. We all watch the ref with this audience. Everyone laughed ten times more at that than they did at the ref. All right, it's two hours later. We all watch the ref with this audience. Everyone laughed ten times more at that than they did at the podcast. Dennis Leary, the ref,

is going to throw it into the ocean for Bruce the Shark, but in a twist of events, a famous twist of events, Jason Statham comes and kicks the ref into the ocean,

and the Meg comes up and eats the ref and Bruce the Shark and everything else, too. Wow. I've seen the Meg. You've seen the Meg, all right. The Meg. It was on TV today. Okay, so this is the fate that will await

whichever one we eliminate right now. We will count down from three to one and say it in unison which of these we feel like is the least deserving of being crowned champion. Wow. Three, two, one. Qdoba.

Wow. A split decision. Did you both say Qdoba. Wow. A split decision. Did you both say Qdoba? I did. Throw it away. I do not like it. Wow. I voted Paquito Mas because I thought the Qdoba I had tonight was a little better.

The taco especially. What are you upset about? Nothing. I'm just thinking about future stuff. You mean like your life in general? I saw myself as Starchild. Save it for the Patreon. You're going to hear Mitch sucking his thumb.

Subscribe for $12 a month. We'll do anything if you don't leave the pay. I am going to start Mitch sucking his thumb Subscribe for $12 a month We'll do anything if you don't leave the pay I am going to start dressing up in diapers Walking around the house I think you should I mean nothing else has really worked for me so far I think this would be good To be a diaper boy?

Yeah why not What a fun time you and your cats in a diaper Like I would sign up. And do what? Watch me? Yeah. Or text me and be like, can I just come over to see you live?

I would enjoy it. Not in a sexual way, just in a tee-hee-hee. That's my friend being very funny. You know what? I'll do it. I will do it at some point. If I came over for a Doughboys recording, you were on all fours in a diaper with a pacifier and a bonnet, I would not bat an eye. I'm pretty sure you'd strip off to reveal you were also in a diaper.

Finally, I feel included. Let's talk about why Qdoba got eliminated. Here are the menu items we got from Qdoba. And for the purposes of this, I'll say the rules right now. This tournament, tacos and burritos only, side stay on the sidelines, drinks are in the Gatorade jug, also on the sidelines,

one taco and one burrito from each chain, and for the finale, we all got the same order to go as one-to-one as possible, trying to have as much of an even playing field as possible from Qdoba. We each got the Gladiator taco. This is grilled steak, bacon, pico de gallo, lettuce, Mexican Caesar dressing, cilantro, and cotija cheese.

And the burrito we got is a chicken burrito, which is flour tortilla, cilantro rice, pintos, queso, salsa verde, and shredded lettuce, as well as some regular cheese. What did you guys dislike about the burrito and the taco that put it in your bottom of the three of these? I didn't like that queso. I thought it had no flavor. There was too much rice. It was too much rice, I agree. Yeah, I bit into it and I frowned.

I saw it. I was there for it. I saw that happen. Just a real big frown. Can I say what you said when you did it? You bit it and you go, ooh, I do not like him. That is,

yep, that's what I said. Called it a him. It didn't seem weird until you said it out loud. I think Mitch and I are just used to hearing that. Oh, no! We both looked up nervously.

Yeah. I also thought the seasoning on the steak, or what, it was steak, right? Yeah, it was steak. Steak and a little bit of bacon. Oh. I did not taste that. Oh, wow.

And that is a problem. Yeah, that is a problem. I should know when there's bacon in my mouth. Right. I got some, I definitely got some bacon bits in mine, but it was, I'd say a paltry amount. And I will say that I like that taco. I thought that taco was better than the Poquito Mas taco head to head, which is why I voted for it.

The chicken burrito, I agree, had too much rice. And the queso, yeah, I think that queso just doesn't travel well, which is a side issue. But it's a well-made burrito. I think it's just like a slightly better Chipotle burrito. IMO. I mean, having had this in Chipotle a few different times this month, I'll go Qdoba if I have the option. Mitch, what did you think?

I'm not trying to do the thing where I do here, but I took a bite into that burrito, and I had a warm piece of lettuce. Oh, that's a bummer. So I'm not trying to point out that thing I do here, but I took a bite into that burrito, and I had a warm piece of lettuce. Oh, that's a bummer. So I'm not trying to point out that thing that you love or whatever. All right, take it easy. Wait, you love hot lettuce? Close.

That's like a thing when you heat up a salad? Oh, God. God damn it. Fuck. Wait, really? You get a nice little Caesar salad, and you go, Natalie, open the oven. This is a nightmare.

There is a running thing that Mitch said that I like hot salad, which is not true. I think you said it first. I think you brought it up first. I think you said, I like hot salads, which is not true. I think you said it first. I think you brought it up first. I think you said I like hot salad. That is not a quote. You cannot find that in the transcripts of the Doughboys episodes that are up on the Doughboys Wikipedia. I mean,

I dare someone to find it. Somebody has no life and they will. But I don't remember the original context, but you've been bringing it up over and over again, and it's become a thing. Yeah, you don't have to. Yes, yeah.

And you did it again tonight. You put it in the fucking burrito. I didn't ask for a hot salad burrito. I asked for a conventional burrito. I threw some lettuce in there, which is a normal burrito ingredient. Do you think lettuce is a normal? I don't think so.

I feel like so many burritos have lettuce in them. Get fucking lettuce is a normal, I don't think so. How many, I feel like so many burritos have lettuce in them. Get fucking lettuce out of there, I say. That's a fair thing to say. Like, that's a fair position to have.

I'm not going to fight you on that, but however, it is a conventional burrito ingredient. There's a scenario where you would fight me? I'm just looking for an excuse to take a swing at you. I don't know who would win.

I feel like it would just end with you cuddling on the floor and being like, ah, so sorry. Looks like we got another Patreon to you. I, uh, no, I don't think, I don't think I would want

to hurt Mitch and I'd feel bad about it. What the fuck? I wouldn't want to hurt you physically and I'd feel bad about it. What the fuck? I wouldn't want to hurt you physically. I'd feel bad and so that if I heard Ted Bundy be like I don't think I want to hurt you. That would scare me. Yes, you think you could you

could hurt me like like you wouldn't feel bad about it. Oh, no, I don't want to hurt you either, but that's what I'm saying. You saying I don't think I would want to hurt. How about I don't want to hurt Mitch fine there. Yes, I'm sorry for putting any to hurt Mitch. I don't want to hurt Mitch. Fine. There, yes. I'm sorry for putting any sort of conditional on it. I don't want to hurt you. I don't feel too bad about hurting you.

I want to stomp your fucking head in. I have a boner. Fuck. So that leaves two. Poquito Mas and Taco Bell. Once I saw that you were getting harder, I'd be like, cool, and I'd keep punching you. I'd get into it.

Oh, never mind. Keep going. Nicole, where do you stand on Mexican food in general? Are you a fan? Oh, I like it. What do you put in your tier of favorite foods? Oh, boy. I mean, it's up there.

I do love a quesadilla. Oh, hell yeah. I love quesadillas. Those are great. I think they're so delicious and delightful. This is my opinion. I will generally take a quesadilla. I love grilled cheese.

I will generally take a quesadilla over a grilled cheese. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. How many out there agree? Hashtag quesadilla, quesadilla, oh, Jesus Christ. Keep going.

We got it. Hashtag quesadilla freak. That's what, that's what you're trying to get out? I don't know. You beat it. What, you got a grilled cheese one? You know what?

I had a grilled cheese today. I fucked up so bad. I had a grilled cheese at like 3.30. Yeah, and you went... I'm sweating like fucking crazy. So you had a late lunch, and I also know you went to Dave and Buster's last night. I went to Dave and Buster's last night.

You did not plan your weekend well. I had sliders and wings combo. And then I ate one of Jack Allison's mini hot dogs and I was burping it up for like 17 hours. I need you to take care of yourself. I know. I'm too much of a

coward to do it myself, so I'm just eating my way to death. You see? Jesus Christ. What? That brings everyone down? It's a grim thing to say. Well, it's the truth, for God's sakes. Anyways.

But I feel like that's a good way to go. Yeah, what's wrong with that? Like, if I stop performing, I would, like, move to Arizona near a red lobster and float around in my pool

and eat Cheddar Bay biscuits and die. Wow. I think that sounds good. That's the closest you may ever get to heaven. Right? Like when people are like, what's heaven?

You're like, you float around in a pool, you eat all day. Yeah. Yeah, I'll do that here. I'll cut out the end part. I'll just do it on Earth. So it's like Nick Cage and leaving Las Vegas only instead of booze, it's like apps?

Like you're just having all this heavy ass booze. Basically, yeah. I've never seen it. It's good. I would put that one a little further down your queue. It's not a fun watch. It's depressing. So I should watch the ref first. Watch the ref before Leaving Las Vegas. And then Jaws.

No, oh god. I got real for a minute. I shouldn't care what you want. You can watch whatever you want to watch. Okay. What's your number one choice? What's your number one movie? Number one movie of all time?

Yeah. Oh my God. What a thing to ask me on the spot. I don't know. That's a tough question to answer. You don't know? Mine is Ghost. Oh, Ghost is a great answer.

I love Ghost. I can watch it all the time. Well, what's your favorite movie? My favorite is Goodfellas is my favorite movie. Goodfellas is very good. AI for you, Nick? What, because I relate to the robot? Is that what you're saying?

The little boy is actually a thousand years old. Oh, so you're saying I'm an old like out of date Mecca. That's what you're calling. Yes. No, not really. I was saying that you were trying to argue the implications of it being illegal. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's our friend. He was on the podcast. He listens to

the show. He's friendly with he's going to be freaked out next time he comes when he hears how you favorite movie. You worn out on VHS. AI is great. But favorite movie of all time. Oh, God.

Fuck. That's a hard... Top three. I know. Can I say the one that you say a lot? Yes, say it. Choo-choo train coming at screen. Scares the hell out of me every time.

He gets up and runs out of the theater. One of the first movies was a train coming at the screen. And audience members got up and ran out of the theater. Similar to how this show will go. God, I don't know. I'm tempted to say, I'm just going to say something. Toy Story 2.

Okay. It's a great movie. It's a great movie. I like Toy Story 2. It's good. It's good. I do like it. I like it.

You were trying to be negative. No, I'm not. I'm not. You were. I know Lasseter's your hero It's good. I do like it. I like it. You were trying to be negative. No, I'm not. I'm not. You were. I know Lasseter's your hero. Come on. Did you lose out on a lot of work? Because I know you're normally his stunt double.

Does not make sense. He's not on camera. Still worked. Yeah. I don't know. I like the, I like it's about friendship. It's about friendship. It's like,

it's like, I like that movies about friendship get to me. And I also like, because I like people, there's a lot of stuff about family

and about love and stuff, but friendship is a very important relationship, especially as an adult and I feel like it's not touched on as much. That's why I like the show Friends. They're friends.

relationship, especially as an adult, and I feel like it's not touched on as much. That's why I like the show Friends. They're friends. You have no adult friends. You don't hang out with anyone. I thought I was sitting up here with two of them. What? Hold on a second. Hold on a second.

When is the last time you were out with not only Nicole, but me outside of a work environment? That's a good question. Me, the man you see every week. Yeah, that's why we don't need to hang out. We see each other frequently. Yeah, hang out with me. I'll warm up your salad.

frequently yeah hang out with me i'll warm up your salad so you i know you love quesadillas how do you feel about the big the big question today tacos versus burritos so you're not gonna hang out with me i get it of course i will um of course i will, yeah, I like the hot salad joke. I was moving on. What is with that soft voice you were just doing? Sorry. So let me get this straight. It's bad if I don't modulate my voice.

It's bad if I do modulate my voice. Just tell me what I should do. Don't think about modulating ever. No. Listen, I liked it. You're like reverse Elizabeth Holming yourself. I really like it. You're coming to my level.

I like it. I'm here for it. I love her. She's great. Yeah, we all agree it was unfair what happened to her. Very sad. Hashtag team Holmes. Tacos versus burritos, where do you stand?

I like a taco because you can get three different kinds and have a great time. Burrito, you're kind of just married to your very heavy choice. Yeah, you're locked in. It's a strong argument. I'm a taco guy. I don't have a problem with the burrito fans. I think that we can live in harmony.

I do think that your argument is very, very compelling. It's maybe the winner because just like portion size, you can have more kinds of tacos. And at Chipotle, when I'm like, can you put the chicken in this spot and the steak in that spot and the pork in that spot? They look at me like I'm the fattest woman in America. But I'm like, I just want different kinds of bites. Right. And then it doesn't ever work out. Wait, so in an individual taco?

No, no, in a burrito. Oh, in a burrito. Like if I ever get a burrito, I tell them where I want my meat. Yeah. I do it in life too. I love a dick. You know what?

I don't need to... I don't need all these... I don't need all these... Why are you so agitated? What's happening? I'm not a swinger, baby. I just need my one... Look, burritos are so money

and they don't even know it. I just need my one burrito. I'm a one burrito man. I don't need to swing around with the tacos. You like tacos. I do like tacos, but I don't need to have all the... If you got a burrito and you got a good bite, you stay with the good bite.

You're not worried about committing, that's what you're saying. Yeah, I commit to the one. I just commit to the one. Message for future Mrs. Mitchell out there. Mrs. Mitchell. I like that. Oh, man, that's my mom's name. That's how surnames work.

Oh, yeah, shit. How do you like spicy food? Are you someone who goes with a spicier salsa? I like spicy. You like spicy. You like spicy. Spicy is nice. I love some heat. I want to feel something.

Right. Yeah, I've... Mitch, you've kind of got... You've backed it off on the spicy over time. Yes, you love to point this out. I'm not trying to shame you or anything. It's like a part of aging. People have...

People have issues. They can't digest things in the same way. It happens to me, too. Spicy food, thankfully, as someone who identifies as something of a heat seeker, I like it. Erectile dysfunction is normal. I can still fuck, but it's fine that you can't. I'm not saying that. I have certain foods I don't respond to as well anymore, but I thankfully can still enjoy that

because it would be hard for me if I couldn't. I lost my spice. I can't do it anymore. Can you do dairy? No, I can't do much of anything. And I do have erectile dysfunction. What listeners couldn't see is Mitch wiggling that mic stand after he said erectile dysfunction as if he was envious of this hard mic stand.

I am erectile dysfunction! He's envious in both hardness and girth. It's not bad. It's not bad. Couldn't just any year of my life be good? Just one year? A stretch of 365 days where I'm like, that was great!

Let me say something. You are wearing New England Patriots gear, not head to toe, but you're wearing it waist up. Yeah, I put myself into this because that's better. That's what I'm saying is like you as a Pats diehard, you guys won the Super Bowl. Isn't that great?

Doesn't that make you happy? Doesn't that bring you joy? Yeah, doesn't the Super Bowl bring you joy the rest of the year? I woke up with a smile on my face today Doesn't the Super Bowl bring you joy the rest of the year? I woke up with a smile on my face today because of the Super Bowl. I think next year will be good for you. Yeah! 2020 is your year.

Boy, you're giving up on 2019 in March. Do you blame me? A child will be conceived and then born before you start having another good year. Maybe one after the show tonight, right, everybody? Let's talk about... I advise everyone... Take a plan B pill.

If you have sex tonight, don't give birth to that fucking demon child. Just take a Plan B. Lucy is upping the nicotine pouch game with breakers. Pouches, packing a little something extra inside. What are Lucy breakers, you may ask? Well, if you know your pouches, you know that the nicotine doesn't hit immediately and neither does the flavor. The geniuses at Lucy came up with a brilliant way to fix both those problems.

They put a mini liquid capsule inside each Breakers pouch. Here's what you do. Grab a Breakers pouch and break the capsule. Yes, with your teeth. It makes a really satisfying pop. Put it in your lip and enjoy the immediate nicotine and flavor release. Nobody is doing anything like this except for Lucy. It's a new kind of pouch technology and it's only available from Lucy. No more sandpaper pouches drying out your mouth.

No more weak flavors that don't last. Breakers are different. Breakers are four or eight milligrams of tobacco-free, 100% pure nicotine. There are six delicious flavors, unique ones like apple ice or espresso, and classics like mint or mango. Now, Mitch, I know your friend and mine, Ramondi, loves Breakers. That's true. Do you happen to know his favorite breakers flavor? I think he loves mint.

I've heard he likes espresso. And you know what? Ramondi has also told me that he's noticed so many differences with using breakers versus regular nicotine pouches. Just what a better overall experience it is. So break up with your dusty gas station pouches and go to lucy.co slash doughboys and use promo code doughboys to join Ramondi and get 20% off your first order. Lucy offers free shipping and has a 30-day refund policy if you change your mind. That's lucy.co and use code doughboys to get 20% off and always free shipping.

And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age, and every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Wags, we've all been there. Rummaging through pipes, dodging man-eating Venus fly traps, grabbing up coins, fighting hammer-slinging turtles, and stumbling upon polka-dotted mushrooms, eating them, turning into giants, and going on full-blown rampages. eating them, turning into giants, and going on full-blown rampages. Schedule 35 is kind of like a certain well-known plumber's mushroom, but for your mind. Oh, interesting.

Schedule 35 sends precisely measured microdoses of psilocybin that you can take daily to enhance your day without seeing, well, man-eating Venus flytraps. An emerging movement around psilocybin is proven to help with mental health, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Studies have shown that psilocybin works by creating new neural networks in the brain which help boost focus, creativity, mood enhancement, and help fight addiction. Schedule 35 ships all across Canada and U.S. and is the most notable brand currently in the space. All products come with guides that make microdosing easy to understand. All customers will need to be age verified. Once age verified, 19 plus in Canada and 21 plus in U.S., they will receive an invite code. For all of our products and get an invite code, visit schedule35.co. Our goal is to

destigmatize and re-educate on the science and real-world benefits of psilocybin, as well as making it accessible for everyone. Get 15% off with code DOEBOYS at schedule35.co. That's 15% off at schedule35.co and use code DOEBOYS. Let's-a go! This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Mitch, one of the relationships I'm proudest of in my life is with my buddy, the spoon man. Wow. And you know what? A common misconception about relationships is they have to be easy to be right. Between you and I? I don't think so.

Yeah. But sometimes the best ones happen with both people put in the work to make them great. Therapy can be a place to work through the challenges you face in all of your relationships, whether with friends, work, your significant other, or anyone. Well, you know, I always feel like a better person when I'm in therapy. I get the gunk out of my head,

my anxieties go down. I'm feeling good. And you know what? I'm doing good. You sure are, buddy. I feel good, I do good. It's great. Therapy is helpful

for learning positive coping skills and how to set boundaries. It empowers you to be the best version of yourself, and it isn't just for those who've experienced major trauma. So if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed

therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Become your own soulmate, whether you're looking for one or not. Visit betterHelp.com slash Doughboys today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Doughboys. Let's talk about Poquito Mas and Taco Bell. So from Poquito Mas, we kept it simple. We got a classic taco. We went beef with the protein for the taco and chicken with the protein for the burrito. from Piquito Mas, we kept it simple. We got a classic taco. This is a, we went beef with the protein for the taco

and chicken with the protein for the burrito. So the classic taco is steak, fresh corn tortilla, fresh salsa, which is a pico de gallo by default, and they give you some other salsas on the side. The burrito we got was chicken and a flour tortilla. They grilled it up crispy, which is a delight.

Fresh salsa, melted jack cheese, fresh guac inside. Nicole, are you a frequent poquito eater? Have you had that chain before? I have not and I took some notes.

Oh, wow. I wrote, poquito mas. What a nice chicken burrito. Yum, yum. Then I wrote, steak taco. Not enough seasoning.

But I liked the taco But not as much as that burrito That was a very nice burrito Every bite had a treat I was here for that burrito Not the taco I agree with that A delightful burrito

With the cheeses in there They throw a lot of it in there And it melts in there It's just gooey and delicious. The taco, I feel like that corn tortilla needs a friend. It needs another one underneath it. And I agree with you on the seasoning. Those tacos are built to have,

you throw your own salsa from the salsa bar and you throw your own cilantro and raw onions on there if you like. But if you have it without those elements, it is a little on the plain side. And yeah, I think they could season their protein a little bit more. Mitch, what did you think of that Bokino Masu we had tonight?

It was good. You know what? It traveled a little bit, and it was still good. I like, like I've said this before, the protein is on display here. Yes. Much like me later with the Dave Thomas cup when I'm filling it up with my ejaculate. All right. Confirmed.

Confirmed that you're going to jack up into the day. Thomas a lot of come that's one load for wiger. Come on my god. What an awful imagery. Yeah, that is disgusting. You came up with it. You freak. It's gross.

I think the protein's good. I get how when it's just the taco that it's maybe not enough going on for people, but I think it's really quality ingredients, so I still enjoy it. They have great stuff there. I feel like they are a little hamstrung in this tournament because their tacos are maybe a weak spot

on their menu. Again, just IMO. Taco Bell we got. So I think we might have gotten some different burritos, Mitch, because you were quite insistent on not getting a chicken burrito for yourself. At Taco Bell? Yeah. We did get chicken burritos. Oh, you did? Okay.

Because I thought you threw a fit about that. Look, I did. I did throw a fit. And you, you did? Okay. Because I thought you threw a fit about that. Look, I did. I did throw a fit. And you'll all agree with me. Weiger does some things before the tournaments, before tonight, just in this afternoon. One, cheesy gordita crunches weren't allowed. Insane, first off the bat. That's crazy.

I did not make that ruling. I deferred to the commissioner. He wasn't even paying attention to the damn tournament this year. He didn't know what was happening. We got two cheesy gordita crunch type of things from Codoba and Del Taco. of the commissioner made a ruling. He wasn't even paying attention to the damn tournament this year. He didn't know what was happening. We got two cheesy gordita crunch type of things from Codoba and Del Taco. Yeah, but they didn't have flatbread. I understand the argument.

Oh my God. It's a little different. Second of all, your decision to get chicken burritos from each place is a disadvantage to Taco Bell. Does anyone else agree? Yeah.

That's not their main thing. But isn't that part of this of what we're doing here? It's not about getting the very best of the best from each chain. It's finding out how they're able to execute these staples, right? Isn't that what we're trying to do? No. What if we chose some weird protein from fucking Paquito Mas? Then they'd have to make sure that they could overcome that.

It's like anything. This is as close to a I think a player of faith. It should have been choose your own protein. That's what it should have been, but we know what you would have chose. No, it should... Jesus Christ. What? It's the truth.

I love how angry you are. I'm what it's the truth I love how angry you are I'm mad I'm not mad I'm happy yeah just think about the super bowl there it is again I just look I just I thought that there was better burrito option but I went along with it.

I did. I got three. I got a rattlesnake steak burrito for myself, too, which I had half of. So you got a bonus burrito. I got a bonus burrito. Why did you do that? I don't know. I'm a piece of shit.

This is a shredded chicken, seasoned rice, avocado ranch dressing, and real cheddar cheese is what's the menu description for the shredded chicken burrito. Which I thought was pretty good. It was good. I think it's a good standard small burrito. I don't know. Nicole, what did you think of that bad boy?

I liked it. I didn't hate it. Out of the three, I thought it was the weakest, but I didn't mind it. Yeah. I think I'd agree with you. I think that's a spot on assessment. Mitch, what do you think? I didn't think it was the weakest.

I thought Qdoba was the weakest burrito. Interesting. I truly did. I liked the shredded chicken burrito. But I thought the Paquito burrito was better than the shredded chicken burrito. I'll say that. And then I got three cheesy gordita crunches. Yes.

So this is a... And two Taco Supremes in case Nick didn't want to eat the fucking Cheesy Gordita Crunch. I ate them. I ate them both. So Taco Bell ended up having an advantage. Taco Bell had a third item in it. Uh-huh. So this was the whole thing

where you just rigged it so the Taco Bell had an advantage. You didn't have to eat the Cheesy Gordita Crunch. But you did. But he did. It was in front of us. Yeah, all right.

Didn't you eat both? No, I only just had the Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Nicole, did you eat both? I of us. Yeah, all right. Didn't you eat both? No, I only just had the cheesy gordita crunch. Nicole, did you eat both? I think so. I ate so much. Should we judge one? I guess you had two burritos.

I guess it's fine if we had two tacos, right? Are you going to judge the rousing burrito? I'm going to judge it on the chicken burrito. Okay. All right? I will say I will judge it on the cheesy gordita crunch because that's the rule that's been made. Wow.

The crunchy taco supreme is great, and it's very good. I would always do the fucking Doritos Locos fucking shell instead. Just because I like that Doritos powder. But just with the default shell, still great. Cheesy gordita crunch, I mean, it's a stellar menu item. It's really, really good. It's just delightful. Nicole, is this a thing you've gotten before?

Yes. What do you think of this one? I fucking love Taco Bell. Taco Bell is just a lovely classic. You know, you're in your lift. You say, I don't want to go home yet. And then they go, where do you want to go? You go, Taco Bell.

And then you're like, but I am home. And then you order delightful food. I love Taco Bell. I also love the Lyft driver. The Lyft driver guessed Taco Bell the first time. Where do you want to go? Taco Bell? All right. He knew immediately.

Well, let's, before we get to our judgment, let's taste test this Susser Frankenstein. Oh, fuck! I really don't want to eat this. There's been, like, bugs flying around it. It's been sitting here for a while. Jesus Christ. What the fuck?

What happened? Ew! What exploded out of here? Susser, what the fuck? Okay, so we've got these weirdly made Burritos and tacos I'm going to snap some pictures of these as we're doing this Sometimes I really think you're trying to kill me This

Oh, that sucks Nicole, you don't have to eat this I'm going to say that right now I leave this up to your discretion I am going to take a bite If you eat it, I'll eat it Hell yeah I mean

Alright I'm starting with this I'll eat it. Hell yeah. I mean. All right. I'm starting with this Wendy's spicy chicken taco, I guess is what it is. Jesus. Awful. Oh, the mayo is just fucking hanging out. I don't even like looking at this. And it's like colder than room temp. It's like I've been sitting under an AC vent.

at this and it's so it's so it's like colder than room temp it's like been sitting under an ac vent that said not bad yeah i think i think it's gonna win the tournament i think this is delightful It's pretty good. This is good. Oh, boy. All right, let's try this burrito. Ooh, baby, that was good. Yeah. Now I'm excited. Okay. Susser, you genius.

I mean, this burrito's not wrapped well. Yeah, no, it's just the tortilla folded around it loosely. There's no attempt at a wrapping. I'm grabbing one for myself here. This is for me too. I like him. This is good. This is so

delicious. It's good. It's good. It's got In-N-Out fries in there, so it's kind of a California-style burrito, as well as the meat. These are good. That burrito's good. Yeah, that's a good-ass burrito. I'm so happy.

Fuck, I don't know what to say. We can't give these the fucking award, right? Honestly, I think we should. We're really delightful. They were good. Well, look, let's do this. In-N-Out should make a burrito. That's fucking delicious.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's just taking, in both cases, it's just taking a good protein and then putting in a tortilla instead of a bun. Of course it works when you think about it, but. What was that? Golden whistle.

Oh, golden, okay, hey, how about that? These two, they get the golden whistle. What? Wait, how does that man know your podcast more than you? He knows something. I don't listen to this podcast. Why would I do that? Yeah, golden whistle we've been giving for best chips and salsa,

but maybe that's a compromise position. We can award it to Susser's Creations here. It gets a golden whistle and then that's it? Yeah, they get the golden whistle. Fine, it gets the golden whistle. All right, great. The golden whistle is now gone let's so let's get let's judge keto for me but he was gonna get mine let's judge uh yeah but you

know i mean they're they're chips they're salsa options are just so good and the chips are solid uh let's so let's get to our judgment of taco bell and poquito moss so mitch do you want to talk through our system here for Nicole? Yes. Okay. Oh God. No, I don't really want to actually. Okay, I'll talk through it. So we are honoring, since Mudge Madness is a tribute to March Madness, we are honoring

a key element who's often unacknowledged in the March Madness basketball tournaments. The refs. So the way we are using refs as our metric for judging tacos and burritos, tacos get 0-5 white stripes and burritos get 0-5

black stripes. If you get 10 stripes, that's a full shirt. It's yet to be achieved. There was a golden whistle for best salsa and chips, but now it's gone to these monstrosities. So, Mitch, do you want to maybe go first to lead the way monstrosities. So, so Paquito, Mitch,

do you want to maybe go first to just sort of to lead the way with the, with your judgment of how these are getting stripes? Okay. All right.

All right. Let's break it down for Paquito first. Yes. I'm going to go. I really like the, I really like the protein in the,

in the, in the taco. I'm going to go three and a half white stripes. Three and a half. But it's lacking something. And you always know this about it. It's good to just mix up. If you get a chicken burrito, you get a steak taco.

If you get a steak burrito, you get a chicken taco or something like that. It's good to get a different. The bites that you were talking about. Yes. I didn't say shit. I'm not mad, everyone. That thing you were talking about. Yes. I didn't say shit. I'm not mad, everyone. That thing you were talking about! I'm not mad. God.

Ow. I hit my teeth on... I hurt my teeth. I hit my teeth on the mic. Oh, my God. Don't worry. 2020, baby. This has happened before, Mitch. You mistake the mic for a big lollipop. Ooh, that got me.

When you wear your diapers and hang out with your cats, you should also be looking a lollipop. It's a guarantee. The Mueller probe meant nothing. Gronk retired. Rough day. Anyway, Pikito gets

five black stripes of the burrito. Wow! I've said it multiple times. It's just one of the best burritos there is. Should it be in the tournament? Maybe not. Yeah, it's tough. It's tough, but it does a really good job.

Their salsas are amazing. It's a really, really quality place. It is up and down a lot of the time. You can get a bad Paquito experience. But can't you anywhere? And then Taco Bell, five white stripes for the cheesy gordita crunch. It's one of the best

fast food items there is. It's amazing. And then for the shredded chicken burrito, oh man. I'm going to go 3.75 black stripes. Still a good score. I'm not happy about this. There black stripes. Still a good score.

I'm not happy about this. There's better burritos at Taco Bell. Right. But that's a good showing for one that you thought was maybe subpar. Yeah. It's above average. It's good. It was good.

It was good. Good quality burrito. Nicole, your thoughts, your judgment on Paquito Mas and Taco Bell. Paquito Mas, that burrito was a real delight. I think I gave it five stripes. Wow. Yeah, I really enjoyed it. I think I said I five stripes. Wow. Yeah, I really enjoyed it. I think I said, I like him.

She did. After she said, I don't like him, to the Quidoba, and then she said, I like him afterwards. This is true. Yeah, I said, he's for me. Mitch and I both looked over at you, song. It's got to be him. And then I think I give that taco two stripes.

I really, it was not for me. I did not like him. And then Taco Bell, the cheesy gordita crunch, I give it five stripes. Wow. It made me so happy. And then the burrito, I think I give it three stripes because it's

it's a solid it's a solid burrito I wasn't like gaga for it but solid yeah absolutely a fair assessment there

I will say poquito mas that taco I'm with you two white stripes it's just not it's just not like the

it's like you said these are stoop points it's under seasoned and I just feel like it needs another tortilla in there. I just think that one tortilla gets mushy and doesn't stand up to the moisture. The burrito, I'm going to go. I'm not going to be quite as favorable on it. I thought it was great, but I'm not going to go all the way to five.

I'm going to say four and a half. Excuse me, stripes, black stripes for the classic burrito there. The Taco Bell, I will say the shredded chicken burrito performed better than I expected. Wow. I'm also going to give this, no, you know what? I'm going to say three and a quarter black stripes. Okay. A little better than average. I would still get a bean and cheese burrito over it, which for me is the metric, but a

bean and cheese burrito I would say is four, so three and a But a bean and cheese burrito, I would say, is four. So three and a quarter, nothing to sneeze at. The cheesy gordita crunch, yeah, five white stripes. Are we fucking kidding? It's great. It's fucking great. It's a home run. What about the Taco Supreme?

I'd still give the Taco Supreme like four. Because I think the one with the Doritos Loco shell is five. And I think the one with the conventional shell is four. Because it's just great. And the sour cream does a lot to plus it up. All right. Yeah. Well, so those are our assessments.

We have given our stripes. The tournament has ended. None of these chains have earned a full shirt, but one of these will be the winner. Ooh, dang. It's time to crown a champion. But for a decision of this magnitude, we can't make it alone.

No. So please welcome the Munch Madness Trifle Council! That's right. Walking to the stage, every Munch Madness 2019 guest who can make it. Oh, what a treat! That's right. Oh, your hair looks fabulous. Oh,

what a treat. Oh, what a treat. Oh, what a treat. And Susser for some reason. Tony Charlene, Ryan Perez, Jenny Pearson, Mike Hanford, Matt Appledaca. Ooh, now...

And I'm back to... Major Reverb. So what... My mic got shut off. Oh, no, it's not. It's back on. It should be shut off. We played some Survivor music for people who didn't hear.

We went all out is what I'm trying to say. Yeah, we got two different audio cues. I wore a different wardrobe. We went all out. Thank you everyone for being here, first of all. Thank you so much for making time for this. Thank you. I just want to test my mic.

Is this on? You're on. Yeah, it's on. Does everyone want to test their mics real quick? Hello. Are you hearing me? Can everyone hear me? Tony's mic is good.

Perez and I will share one. All right, great. Okay, so we got two mics over there, one mic over there. Hey, we got two mics over there. Mike Anford. I don't like that. I don't like being called away from my home to be called my name. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. You're wearing a medal. Oh, yeah, I guess I am wearing a medal today. You saw I said I could wear a lei, and I said, well, I didn't win anything, but I participated in a half marathon today.

Wow! Thanks so much! Thank you! Thank you. What the fuck did you all do today? You just came to the show, you lazy fucks? Yeah, fuck you! Mitch, what did you do today?

Like, I'm being serious. Walk us through your day. I woke up late at around noon and then I first I kissed Irma. That's cute. Then I kissed Wally.

Back to sleep for a while. And then I picked up some stuff for the tournament. I didn't do much. I ate a grilled cheese and I watched The Meg, okay? Wait. You woke up late to kiss your cat? Yeah. I wake up when they wake up.

We have similar sleep schedules. Was it late for anything in particular or just late in the day? It was just late in the day. Yeah, sure. It was noontime, okay? But I was out partying last night. I wasn't out partying, okay? No one was questioning that.

I know. You were cutting a lie. I went to Damon Buster's and felt sick and went home. You went to Damon Buster's alone? No, with people. And I bought the KFC. You went to Damon Busters alone? No, with people. I don't know. And I bought the KFC. Where the fuck is the KFC bucket?

Sorry. I'm glad you asked, Mitch. Our commissioner has it. So, Nick, do you want to explain what's going to happen here? So here's what's going to happen. Each of you who is up here is going to get a chance to say your piece and let us know your thoughts on Paquito Moss vs. Taco Bell, the eternal question

and then each of us on stage except for Susser, will cast our ballot Susser might get a vote, we'll see Get a vote? You're the commissioner Hold on, can I try this? Yeah, it's good You picked the one that's falling apart the most

I'll get it later It's good Can I ask a question? You pick the one that's falling apart the most. I'll get it later. I'll get it later. I'll get it later. It's good. It's good. Okay, anyway, go on. Wait, can I ask a question? Yeah. What if we haven't had Taco Bell in 10 years?

That's okay. Judge it based off of your memory of Taco Bell. I'll do it later. Wait, so Jenny, you- I feel sorry for you. Where am I? You're someone who, and I know we've talked about this on the podcast, but you kind of avoid fast food, or at least avoided it for a stretch yeah i just haven't eaten much of it in my whole

life can you imagine because my family was like a healthy family right so it wasn't allowed very much of it i think that just kind of carried over except for like the college years but as of late like i haven't actively gone i think i I saw Food Inc. 15 years ago, and then Forever was scared away. That got me hungry, that dog. She's never been to a Del Taco. That's wild. Wow.

She lives right by one. I guess I'm just really healthy. Sorry. We just went out to dinner and ordered six different dishes. That's true. Now, Tony, you had a little acid on your tongue when you brought up that she'd never had Del Taco.

You're a Del Taco fan. Yes, and it's also like, what? Yeah, try it. I'm a little stinker. It was just surprising to me, is all. If Del Taco was in this, if this was a three-way between Del Taco, Taco Bell,

Bikino Mas, hey, my kind of three-way. If this was that kind of competition, would you vote Del Taco? What does that mean? He's fucking the sauces. He's always been fucking the sauces. We all know what that means, fucking the sauces. He's always been fucking the sauces. We all know what that means, fucking the sauces. I don't know.

I did have it the other night, late night drive-thru. Oh, yeah. And it was, I took a picture of the drive-thru, and it was upsetting. It looked really gross. They got my card, and they shut the window right away, and a guy kind of stared at me. But the food was fine.

But it was off-putting. Yes is the answer. Wow. It absolutely was. Wow. I feel like they have fresh cheese. Yeah, I do love their freshly grated cheese. And slow-c slow cooking the beans

Matt Like me a fellow creature of the Southland someone who has spent his life in Southern California How do you feel about these two Combatants that remain Well you know I can't say That I've had Keto Masu

Maybe at all I don't think I've ever had it. Wow. I know. I have not had it until... Who is screening us here? No, I don't think I've ever had it, but I have a college degree, I guess. Zach, is that worth something, goddammit? I dropped out of college, but I've been to Keto Masu. Hell yeah.

Yeah, no, obviously this audience cares more about the food, but I'm a Taco Bell freak. I love the stuff. Wow. I was saying I was, you know, inspired by the poll, and I almost went and got a cheesy crunch, but the one, the Taco Bell

around Beverly, oh, my microphone's cutting out, and with good reason. It's because you're getting too close to the truth. I'm about to blow this thing wide open. They have a drive-thru at the Taco Bell

over on Beverly. Shut it down. Get out of your car. You know what? I almost did, but there was a parking spot that was just a little too small for my car.

Wow. That's a bummer. You what yeah i was sad too this is an audience that's like been there um ryan perez uh you joined us early on for uh for fat chance kitchen um i'm curious about your again your thoughts on poquitoquito Mas, Taco Bell. How do you assess these two remaining combatants? Well, the guiding metaphor for this tournament is college basketball. Yes, sure. A perennial March event. I'd like to use a different kind of March event to create a different kind of analogy,

which is every march we get the Academy Awards. We have a battle between large films usually this year, let's say Black Panther or Star is Born, Green Book, and smaller films, which

would be, in this case, like The Favorite or Beale Street, if Beale Street could talk. So, in this case, like The Favorite or Beale Street, if Beale Street could talk. Right. So in this case, Paquito Mass is The Beale Street Could Talk. And Taco Bell is The Green Book. Wow. Yeah. Are you accusing Taco Bell of whitewashing?

Exactly. I mean... Exactly. Wow. Founder Glenn Bell is a white savior, apparently. It's a real problem. Mike Hanford, your thoughts as we enter the finale, as we approach a decision point.

My thoughts on this tournament? Just about who you think could win. Just say something. You can say something about the tournament, too. I think I already know who I want to win. I knew who I wanted to win when this tournament started. Wow.

I have really nothing to say. You said it on the podcast, right? When you were on? Yeah. You just said who you wanted to win? I thought that's what we were doing. I was given really no direction.

I was brought to Mitch's house and force-fed two burritos and two tacos. Getting my cat allergy going through the roof as the time went on, and then I thought I made a good choice. I gave you an allergy pill, didn't I? You did. But for comedy's sake,

I wanted to say that I was having a tough time. Mitch, how do you feel when your good friends can't be around your cats, your other good friends? I wouldn't... Good friends, it's just for you. Mitch, who do you put for an emergency contact?

Tony, you are coming for Mitch tonight! What did you do today? who's your closest person the answer is Wally and Irma that literally just said please answer both of them but I I've said before that I want Wally and Irma to eat my corpse if I die that's not an emergency contact emergency contact

is my mommy and I put mommy. M-O-M-M-Y, mommy. But she's far away. Huh? But she's far away. Good. I don't want to be saved. These organs are useless.

You've got to make it to 2020. It's going to be your year. You've just got to keep pushing through 2019. You're going to turn it around in 20. I feel. Who are they going to put my fatty liver in? Which person is going to take my fatty liver? Someone who's dying?

I don't know. The point of emergency contact isn't to figure out how your organs are going to be donated. It's to save your life. Nick. Guess what, Tony? You're my new emergency contact. I would love to be. I think I would be great at it. Absolutely.

She'd crush it. You could do a lot worse than Tony. Thanks, Nick. Nick, would you eat his fatty liver? Like as a... If he wanted it, if that was part of his will, like he wanted me to eat his liver... It certainly is now.

I'll do it. I'll honor your your wishes i think you'd like it because like you know when a steak has fat on it it's good yeah so like i think i would be tasty too for someone to eat because like i've been marinating for a while and there's a lot of fat surrounding the meat okay i've really thought about it Nick that is my yes that's what I want if I die I want you to eat my liver yes you should do you have a living will no I do and I have a lot of demands you should you should make a living will

oh god let me know your guy because I want to get on this living will it's a lady her name is Shelly Ruse up in the valley that's on me for assuming gender on that one of course it could be a woman. Mitch, Mitch, I think it's time to cast our ballots

and crown a champion. So we will each... So the votes are going in to the KFC bucket, which is full of chicken. What are we going to do with that chicken? So does anyone want any chicken? Does anyone want some cold KFC chicken? So does anyone want any chicken?

Does anyone want some cold KFC chicken? Not full on mozzarella sticks or anything? That guy's raising his hand right there. Some people in the back here. Why? Why do you want to eat cold chicken? It's good. Cold chicken's great. There's a bunch of hands going up.

This is so wild today. You can't say the show is bad now if you have a piece of chicken. As these people are doing this, I'm going to get some ballots for us to distribute. Are you just dumping the rest of the chicken? That guy wanted one too. Oh, you cunt. Who else? Check in on the hunk.

He's four stage right. Yeah, I'll tell you he stays hunky. Hunk's doing okay, okay. He doesn't eat this shit. Who wants to stay hunky? He doesn't want to get chunky. You can be chunky and hunky, you piece of shit. You can.

I agree. I'm sorry. That's a false dichotomy. That's on me. Yeah, no shit it is. You can be chunky and hunky. All you need to make hunky chunky is a C. You just got to look.

You're going to be voting. You're going to run. You got to look and see. Oh, fuck everybody. It was good. I liked it. My hunky chunky thing was good. I was on. My hunky-junky thing was good. I was on board with it.

That's a thousand retweets. All right, Cesar is distributing the ballots. Did you hear this? We are each going to cast our votes. Hey, Wagner, can I talk about my medal for a moment? Please do. I wore it tonight not only to show off that I ran 13.1 miles today. Wow.

But also I wanted to donate it to your cause. Whoever wins this tournament, I'm going to find the closest whatever taco stand we're doing or whatever we're doing here. And I'm going to hang this on the signage and assume they'll know what we're talking about. Thank you. Thank you. As we are casting our ballots, does anyone have any final thoughts

they would like to share? No response from Nick on that. No, I think that's great. I love it. It's like a guy ate here. While we are casting the ballots. Great question. Who we want Outer in?

Oh, yeah. Oh, we're writing. We want the. While we are casting the ballot. Great question. Who we want Outer in? Oh, yeah. Oh, we're writing. Survivor rules, so Outer. We want the winner. We're writing the winner. What do they do? But they vote someone out on Survivor, right? Oh, for fuck's sake, yes.

We vote the loser. We should have watched it. I think at the end, you vote who you want to win. What are we doing? I think at the end, you vote who you want to win. It's going to the bank. No, shut up! Shut up! But that's the man who in the bag. No, shut up! Shut up!

But that's the man who knows the rules! You know what? Everybody shut up! But that man knows the rules of the podcast! You write the winner. You just write the winner. Okay, everyone's just going to write your favorite. Just write the winner. We'll do it that way. Between Paquito Moss and Taco Bell. That's right.

Between Paquito Moss, Taco Bell. That's right. Between Paquito Moss, Taco Bell, we gave the fucking golden whistle to the abominations you made. The heart of a champion's to the fans. We did that. Yeah! I'm blocking their view. Drop it in the bucket.

Yeah, I think we just have the one pen. We have one pen, of course. No, there's another pen. How do we make this a logistical nightmare? How do we not take care of this one simple thing at the end of the show? It's the loser's fault. It is Susser's fault. The loser's being-

All right. How do we- Is there security? The loser is going to a shark. Okay. A shark of some- But you are writing the winner. Going to Jaws.

Can I also say, I said that I wanted to stand, and I am not happy with that decision. I feel very uncomfortable. You made your bed, now stand in it. Do you want to sit? No, I'm good. No, no, no. No, I'm really nice.

Maybe. Come on. No, no, you sit. Okay, I'll sit. You sit. Also, Farley... I'll just face around back here. And who's the other...

Who's the other... We have two votes in here already. From the guests who were not able to make it. Oh yes, we have two votes. Mary Sohn and Farley Elliott, two of our other guests from this month. Unfortunately had other stuff on the menu tonight.

I don't know what could be more important. Farley actually texted and said he just didn't want to come. Yeah, which I admire. But they have already cast their votes. I don't know what could be more important. Farley actually texted and said he just didn't want to come. Which I admire. But they have already cast their votes. They are already in the KFC bucket of truth. They are in the bucket.

Is everyone's vote in the bucket? I think so. Speak now or forever hold your peace. We got all these votes in here. Okay, give it to me. Perez, to be clear, the loser is going to Bruce the Shark, which is getting eaten by the Meg. Is there an audience vote? No.

They got the heart of a champion. They're happy with that. They get enough. We can't give them one vote? No. If there's a tie, the audience will be the tiebreaker. We'll do it that way. Yeah. Okay.

God, it's so fucking greasy in here. It's disgusting. Okay. Yeah. Okay. God, it's so fucking greasy in here. It's disgusting. Okay. The first vote. Bikino Moss. Bikino Moss has one vote. Wow. Next vote.

Taco Bell. One for Taco Bell. We are at one and one. A vote for T-Bell, which I assume is Taco Bell. Hold on. I need a review. Also written on this says, Hi Mitch. So someone has written... T-Bell, Hi Mitch. Hello.

I'm going to allow it. You're going to allow this. This is a vote for Taco Bell. Two Taco Bell, one for Peguido Moss. Two to one. A third vote for Taco Bell. A third vote for Taco Bell. A third vote for Taco Bell. Let's pause, Nick. Let's just pause for a second. How's everyone feeling so far?

This is the most intense thing I've ever been a part of. I'm on the edge of my seat. Brez, your thoughts? Green book, baby. Green book. Someone has written Taco Bell for da win, and fittingly, it is the fourth vote for Taco Bell. Okay, hold on, hold on.

Hold on, Nick, you don't do it that anticlimactic. Yeah, hold on. What do you mean? What am I supposed to do? Just draw it out. I don't know what the votes say before I say it. This is why you're not the probes. Yeah, you're not the probes. Oh, Jesus Christ, I just picked up the fucking greasy napkin.

Fuck. I don't want that shit. Jenny, you had something to say. Nick. Jenny, go ahead. I'm exhausted. You want to sit down here? No, no, no. Thank you.

In fact, you know what? Matt, switch with me too. Will it be another vote for Taco Bell? Who knows? It will not. It's a vote for Peter Moss. 4-2. It stays alive. It couldn't possibly be mounting a comeback. That paper is see-through.

It's disgusting. Hold on. Another vote for Taco Bell. All the rest of the votes are for Taco Bell. Taco Bell, you are the champion! Wow! It's that sauce, man. It's the sauce.

Mitch, the Super Bowl, Taco Bell winning the Tournament of Champions in one year. You got to be walking on clouds. Yes, I'll be going home. I'll be going home a happy man tonight, Nick. You're not a probst. You can't be a probst. What am I supposed to do? All the rest of the things I don't know.

He's exciting. He reads them off one by one. That's what I was doing. No, you're no probst. Fine, I'm no probst. I'm going to take this out. I'm returning this to the Gap tomorrow anyway. Who cares?

I'm taking that. Wow, Susser's taking my Cars hat and put it on. Well, hey, that's it. I don't want it. Are there any final thoughts from the jury, the tribal council about the winner or the loser? Well, I'm pissed. Really?

No, I don't care. Taco Bell. I don't like any of it. Taco Bell. Taco Bell. The last three votes were of it. Taco Bell. Taco Bell. The last three votes were... It was only two votes for Paquito. It was a drubbing.

Did you guys vote? Yeah, we voted. You voted Paquito? Oh, wow. The two votes for Paquito. The other vote I know was from Farley Elliott. So Farley and Jenny are the only votes for Paquito. And he's a food editor.

He is. Yeah, we should defer to him. Farley's vote counts for three votes, and Paquito Ma still loses. We'll say that. Guys, that's the show. We've just crowned a JL champion. Congratulations to Taco Bell.

Thanks to everyone on stage. Nicole Byer. Evan Susser. Our trifle counsel, Tony Charlene, Ryan Perez, Jenny Pearson Mike Hanford, Matt Appledocker until next time for the Spoonman, Mike Mitchell, I'm Nick Weiger happy eating! See ya, thank you

see ya, thank you Thank you.