Doughboys - Munch Madness: Subway vs 7-Eleven with Lauren Lapkus

Episode Date: March 10, 2022

Lauren Lapkus (The Wrong Missy, Between Two Ferns: The Movie) joins the 'boys to discuss Nick’s broken toilet before tackling the Desperation Region of Munch Madness 2022: The Tournament of Chompions: Hero's Journey: Sub-Optimal. Plus, another edition of Jingle All The Whey. Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's up, everybody? It's your boy, The Spoon Man, and I want to talk to you about today's sponsor, UberEats. At UberEats, we've helped more than 400,000 restaurants across the U.S. reach new, hungry customers and deliver growth quickly through new orders. Uber's global platform can help you grow, reach new people, get valuable sales data, and unlock ways to expand with flexible delivery options. Put your business on UberEats. Get access to the UberEats platform, including valuable sales data to grow your business.

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Coming up today, that link that you want to click on is down there in the episode description. Right down there. Check it out. There it is. Move your cursor. Go ahead and click, or if you're on your phone, use your finger and click that link. Click that link in the episode description. After all, would sub sandwiches even exist as a national chain restaurant sector without

the trail being blazed by the eat fresh eatery with the incarcerated living mascot? Would fast food restaurants have expectations of 24-hour operation and near instant service without the grab-and-go corner store that's on every corner? So who will be first among last resorts? Will the Sando purveyor known for its earworm about $5 foot longs put its best foot forward? Or will the world's largest convenience store chain with its own cold and hot food stations make us exclaim, oh thank heaven? This week on Doughboys, the final match of the opening round of Munchman is 2022, the

tournament of champions, hero's journey, suboptimal, desperation region, 7-Eleven, versus Subway. Let's go! Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants. I'm Nick Weiger, along with my co-host, Euro Suit Samus, the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. Hello! We were talking about Mrs. Doubtfire. That's right. Before the podcast began, so I wanted to give a little shout out to Mrs. D.

Ah, what a film, what a performance. And what a lady. Just the person. What a lady. Mm-hmm. That roast was courtesy of Grip Grand. Hey, y'all, please enjoy this Metroid-themed insult. There are probably some other variations out there.

100 Suit Samus, don't get that one. Hero the Sandwich Suit Samus, okay. But I am tired. And as we all know, Mitch loves Greek food. That is true. Thanks for the many laughs over the years. And check out my art and music at gripgrand.com if you want, or don't. Life is short.

RoastSpoonMan at gmail.com. Wags, when Mrs. Doubtfire lit her titties on fire, were you kind of turned on? I mean, yeah, I think every young boy was. It's your fantasy. Mm-hmm. Oh, man, if an old broad's tits lit up, damn. What a fun, what a strange movie also, but also, back when we all saw the movies together, we're all going to go see Mrs. D., we'd say.

Hey, everyone, let's go line up at the Cineplex. We've got to get there early because there's no reserve seating back here in the 90s. Wow. Predates that. We've got to get there early to line up so we can get the best possible seat. Dad's going to go get some popcorn for the family. Mom's going to get some sodas. Hank, you've got to sit in the back.

There's no seat. There's only four seats. You've got to sit in the back, Hank. Mom! I don't want to shit in your back. Hank. You've got to sit in the back. And no jacking off back there.

I'm going to. If her titties light on fire, I'm jacking off. Oh boy, Hank. It's like toilet broke. Wow. Wow. Least surprising news. It was like a munch madness miracle.

It was like my toilet saw what month of the year it was and took its own life rather than how to subject itself. Oh no. That fucking tank ass put it down. Munch madness. But you know what? I fixed it. I repaired it.

It was a little bit of a thing. But what timing? You glued it all together. It was in a thousand pieces. Is your toilet breaking the equivalent to you as my computer breaking? Because that's also what just happened to me. I think so. They're both vital tools.

Tools of the trade. For our professions. Done. Your computer broke. You went and got a new one. You did all that this morning. Yep. I did.

Good times. What a pro. You use your toilet more on a daily basis, right, Weigst and Emma uses your computer. Yeah. I use my computer for like eight to 10 hours a day. Weigre uses his toilet much more than that. Right. Mitch, we have a fantastic guest today.

We've already taken up too much of her time. And before we introduce her, I know you got yourself a drop. You know what though? I like the power. You're someone that you respect and they're in the hold. You're waiting for them. I like that power. You like keeping them.

One more minute, guest. Just one more minute while I play my drop. No, it's a good guest. We should not make her wait. Well, I guess I should do a drop. She can be here for the drop. But of course, Lauren, yeah, there's a little, there's a little teaser to who the guest is and also her voice.

It's also in the episode title. You could read it. But sure. Yeah. A lot of teasers before Nick finally announces who the guest is here is a little drop for us all to enjoy. This is. cheeks.

Oh, yeah. 50% or less special. Welcome to suffer. Hold up the dog. Wow. Wow. Wow. I'm kind of surprised there wasn't a doubt fire in there.

Yeah. It also reminds me I should say, howdy how. That's right. The Spoon Nation. Uh, here's a classic drop I made, Jeremy, Harrisburg PA, don't know if he wants that info, but there it is. Thanks Jeremy. Classic indeed as Mitch takes another bite of the food we're going to be discussing

today with today's guest, returning to the show and acting competing for the wrong missy and the between two Ferns movie. Lauren Lapkus is here. Hi, Lapkus. Hi, guys. Oh my God, I'm so excited. We're so excited to have you back. We're thrilled to have you, as always.

I've listened to you very regularly throughout the pandemic. Oh, wow. You've been with me in a way. God, making the pandemic more depressing. It's possible. Wow. It's an honor. It's an honor to have you back.

It's an honor to have you as always and specifically for this month, we are talking sandwiches and I'm curious, where do you stand on sandwiches? Obviously, here in LA, I feel like sandwiches are kind of both in and out of fashion. I feel like people are very health conscious and eat fewer of them, but there's also lots of great sandwicheries. You really are like the Howard Stern of food, by the way, Wags. That's right. He's getting right down to it.

I love sandwiches. I'm a big fan. When I got the email that I would be reviewing sandwiches, I was like, oh, good. That's a good one for me. I like sandwiches. It's something I eat often. I make sandwiches at home. I'm a big fan, but I do think you're right that a lot of people don't eat them out here

because it's like carbs and stuff. Right. Yeah. Sometimes they're sloppy. Very sloppy. You have Illinois roots, which I feel like is probably a big sandwich area. Yes. I came on Slop City, as they call it.

Oh, they call it Slop City. They call Illinois Slop City. Oh, God. They do. I came on before to talk about Jimmy John's. That's right. Sandwiches. Yeah.

I mean, Midwest sandwiches every day. That's a whole, that's my life. Every day. Growing up, yeah. I had a sandwich every day. I mean, I'm eating one of my classic sandwiches right now, which is a peanut butter sandwich with nothing else, which I actually was a testament to how much I didn't like my 7-Eleven. I had the option to finish that, and I was like, I'm going to make this fucking piece

of bread with peanut butter on it, but I can't wait to talk about my sandwiches that I have. What kind of bread are we talking for this current PB and nothing? I'm using Dave's Killer Bread. Oh, yeah. That's a good bread. Wow. Yeah. It's a fancy-ish bread, and then the peanut butter is some whole food stuff that gets

really oily that you have to mix with the knife, and I really don't like that. Yeah. We have you come back, and we have you on for 7-Eleven versus Subway. Yeah. It's just not right. That's just fucked up. You're involved with booking this podcast. Veto these decisions.

It's fucked up. This is a great guest. No, I'm excited. I was excited. It's a great guest. I was excited about this. It's a great guest, and I think we thought that it would, to have a funny person review, because look, a lot of the guests come on, not funny, you know, not funny people.

Dude, I, there's a lot to say about this shit that you had me go get. Wow. Well, we're sorry. Yeah, we're sorry. I want to stay in the peanut butter neighborhood for a second, because Mitch, this is a big sandwich. I don't think it's going to come up a lot on this month's episode, because it's not a thing you commonly order a chain, but I feel like this is one of the most common sandwiches

certainly for school lunches, and I think I've maybe eaten more. I'm trying to think of what I've eaten the most, which sandwiches I've eaten the most of. It's got to be either grilled cheese or peanut butter. Possibility tuna salad works its way in there, which we'll talk about later today, but it's one of those three. Mitch, were you a big peanut butter sandwich guy growing up, and do you still eat them? Peanut butter and jelly, yes.

I did. Sure. I was a peanut butter and jelly fan growing up, of course. Would have that at lunch a lot. I told you another one was bologna. This is kind of disgusting, but bologna and ketchup. That was like a, I know, I know. That was a normal school lunch.

That was like when I was like in like first or second grade, like, yeah, like two pieces of bread, sometimes a bulky roll, but usually like two pieces of bread. Also, I think that sandwiches get, I'm with lapkis that I would eat a sandwich almost every day, and sandwiches get too much of a bad rap because like just two slices of bread isn't going to kill you. Carbo. You know what I mean? Like, I know what's sure.

It's no biggie, and I feel like you can kind of get like, you know, if you get like some sort of club sandwich or something like that, you're fine, but keep it kind of healthy. Yeah. We're talking about sandwiches. We're talking three slices of bread, so it's maybe a bad example. All right. Well, shut up for a second. Okay.

Just a two, two slices of wonder bread type bread. Just regular. I don't think any sandwich should be like bigger than your mouth can open to. That's true. I like this. Yes. It's a good rule. That is, that is very true.

Bread is too many. And then I'm like Garfield. Yeah. Well, then, you know, I agree with that. I'm just thinking of different things here. They're like, I'm trying to think of people who have like the power to kind of anaconda their mouth and open up their mouth too wide and want to, I want to, I want to Beetlejuice first for some reason.

Does Beetlejuice do that? Oh yeah. I feel like his head snaps open, but I don't know if that's true. He doesn't need a sandwich. I think I think, right? Or wait, there's snakes there. Oh, that's what it is. There's snakes.

Yeah. There's snakes around. Is he one of the snakes? I don't know. But, but I've talked about this with the, we were talking about this with Cal, Cal Packers, one of the sloppy boys, but just a thick burger, you know, like a burger with thick meat. Yeah. No, no, I don't want that.

No, thank you. Give me that. That's why that's why smash. I think smash burgers took off so much is because you don't need the big thick. Give me less meat. Too much meat is too much. Yeah. Although to be clear, you're talking about smash burgers, the trend, not smash burger,

the chain, which we were talking about. I'm talking about smash burgers, the trend. Yes. Not the chain. The chain was, the chain was bad, I think. I think so. I think it was okay. Yeah.

Yeah. I can barely remember. Dave's Killer Bread, which Lauren mentioned. We did it, we did it two weeks ago. Dave's Killer Bread, which Lauren mentioned, I would get pretty regularly. I'm having less bread at home these days, although I agree that two slices of bread a day isn't going to kill you. But like, that's the one where I think the story is that it's called Dave's Killer

Bread because Dave is a killer. Wait, is this? No, not the one where he, this isn't the guy who was in the jail for being a murderer. I think so. No. I think he's a reformed criminal. Is he? Hold on.

What the fuck? I read the story once. I think it's like shredding on a guitar. I think you're mixing up two things. Dave's Killer Bread Jail. Hold on. Let's see. I think you're confusing your past history with Dave's.

Oh yeah, you forgot you killed the guy. And then you made bread because of the pandemic. This is true. Hold on. Let's see. Dave's Killer Bread, Dave never shied away from his history. Wait, really? Yeah, hold on.

Oh no, I'm eating a murderer's bread. I went to prison four times. I was a knucklehead drug addict. I was an armed robber, a drug dealer, a burglar. I did whatever. Does the whatever encompass murder? Possibly. Yeah.

That's casual to say it that way though. Yeah. I did whatever. And then he got into baking as a way to reform himself. So good for him. Well, that's great. I didn't know that. I think there's another company that is people who had spent time in jail as well.

But I was thinking that's what you were talking about. This one, I thought he was shredding with a guitar on the label. I might not have never looked at it to be honest. I think I might just be seeing whatever I made up that it is. And then I thought he was like, I'm playing killer bread. No, he's wielding a bloody axe. There's a woman's head. Yeah.

No, he's playing the guitar and that's what I thought at first. I was like, oh, it's killer bread because it's like, it's killer, man. He's shredding. But I think it's actually, you know, kind of something of a double entendre referencing his phallonious past. Wow. Kill anyone for God's sakes. Stop, stop saying that Dave is a murderer.

Yeah, this is insane. Okay. I will say this. I feel like in like the 19, you know, that's just 2020 for you. In the 1940s, if you put killer bread on the shelf, no one's going to buy it. They're going to be scared. Why are you going to be running for the hill? Anyways, I thought this was a fun anecdote.

We're comparing things to the 40s. The greatest generation. The greatest generation. Thank you, Everett. Thank you, Tom Brokaw. Is there like a, do you think, because what happened with the, anytime there's some sort of like fit of jingoism, right now what's happening is that there's, you know, Russian vodka is being discontinued everywhere.

But like this happened in the, I remember during the Iraq war that there was like French fries became freedom fries because France was like, maybe we should. We shouldn't do this war and everyone is furious about it. Was there a similar thing? There must have been during World War II, during the 40s of like a Kaiser role was called some, was called like a freedom role or something or an America role. I wonder, I should know this. They threw their Kaiser roles into the street.

Probably. Yeah. You said that you, right before the podcast, you drank all your vodka and you're not going to buy anymore, right? Yeah. I chugged it and I'm swearing off of it. Two leaders of pop off straight to the dome. No more Mr. Putin.

That'll show him Vlad as I call him. I pity Putin for if he was a child, I would raise him right. We're already said to fuck you to Putin's mom and I think in the last episode, so that's right. Oh my God. Yes. Yeah. She did a bad job.

It's her fault. It's her. It's his mom's fault. Blame her. Yeah. You got to blame her. Well, we're powerless like, so you get to throw, you know, you got to throw hamburger into the street.

I guess. I don't know. That's a tough one. Hamburger. I'm going to throw the hamburger in the street and beat him up. Oh my God. Yet you support Dave's killer bread. Well, a hamburger is not reformed.

Yeah. He should go back to it. That's true. Teach him a thing or two. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Hamburger needs to find God. He should learn to start making good.

He should be making those buns with his own buns. It would be funny to see a referral. I want to see it. I do want to see the... Well, I guess none of the characters exist anymore, right? Hamburger is gone. They don't. I feel like they're in the lore.

Like I think... Because Ronald McDonald's still there. Yeah. He was in a commercial recently, I think. I think they've ended Ronald McDonald. I think he... I don't know if this... He may have snuck into a commercial.

Maybe I saw some old shit that I'm mixing up. Well, you can look this up, but I think they've kind of ended Ronald. I'm going to Google, is Ronald McDonald dead? Oh, it's the first thing that pops up. I'm not kidding. Is Ronald McDonald? I typed and it said dead. Ronald McDonald isn't gone gone, though he no longer tweets.

What? Okay. So he's quit Twitter. He quit Twitter. Yeah. I'm looking at Ronald McDonald's Twitter feed right now and his latest tweet, his pin tweet is like, this site can be really toxic. I'm taking a break for a while, but I will be back.

Number one, they killed Mr. Peanut and then it was like the pandemic and then they had to kind of like make it weird. They couldn't double down on it. It got really odd. Yeah. Yeah, that was strange. Did he come back as a baby? Is that what it was?

I think a baby nut, which was the ripple thing. Baby nut. Baby nut. Yeah. Yeah. That's one of my moves. I don't want to think about that. It's what Mitch calls when he comes.

Jesus Christ. Oopsie. I did a baby nut. Like a, like a dew drop falling off a blade of grass. Jesus Christ. Oh, that's sick. I guess I took it too far. Yeah, that was disgusting.

Yeah, you did. What I said was fine. Let's talk grilled cheese. Another sandwich that I don't think is going to come up a lot this month, Mitch, because it's not something to get at a chain, but a big sandwich. I have had so many grilled cheeses in my life. I love a grilled cheese and I think the best grilled cheese is one you make at home. You know, I've never really, I've always been afraid of grilled cheese.

Like my childhood, I didn't want them. Wow. I thought it was, I thought it was something wrong about that to me. But as an adult, I like a grilled cheese, but I like it to be like a mozzarella or like something. I like a white cheese. Oh, okay. I'm not really an American cheese person.

Yeah. I disagree. But I can agree. About a cheddar. Yeah. No, everyone would. Yeah. No, I think it's fair though, but American cheese is, American cheese can be polarizing.

It's got its own sort of weird texture to it is the, but it does melt very well. You know, who's not happy about you eating all those grilled cheese? Who's that? Your, your, your deceased toilet from earlier. Yeah. Wait, what happened with your toilet? Did you sit on it and it went or did it like stop flushing? No, it was running.

It was one of those things where you know, sometimes the toilet will just keep running and usually it's like jiggle the handle, reattach the chain, oh, the valve's not closing. None of those worked. And so it just turned. I do like the, I do like the idea of a toilet that you sit on and it makes a little far off. It farts bad. It's not enough.

That's his revenge. Well, it stinks. I just turned it off and then when I turned it back on, it would just, it wouldn't flush at all. So I had to get my turn it off. Turned it off. Yeah, you turned the toilet off. You went down to the ground and you turned that little knob.

Yeah. You reached behind the toilet and you toggle that knob. Do you turn your toilet off every time you use it? No, I turned it off because it was. Yeah. No, this was, this was a particular instance. I was at a plumbing issue. I tried, I turned it off and then when I turned it back on, it wouldn't flush at all.

I had to replace the fill valve. It was fine, but it was a, it was a whole ordeal. Yeah. The fill valve. I was just watching Pam and Tommy last night. Have you seen this? No, I haven't. I haven't watched yet, but every, yeah, we've talked about it recently.

Well, there was a whole thing about the valve in the toilet that was broken. And this guy had to go get the whole new valve and they didn't make it anymore. It was like a long plot line. So you should watch that to relate to that. What the hell is going on in Pam and Tommy? Yeah. It's such a boring show. It's some guy looking for a piece of a toilet.

Wow. We know that Zooks plays Tommy Lee's penis. That's what we love. I knew I recognized the voice. I couldn't, I didn't place it. I gotta watch it. It's on my list. It's fun.

Yeah. But I keep thinking about, I know that Pamela Anderson didn't approve of them making it. And so I keep thinking about that and it's making it feel kind of bad. Right. Yeah. I watched all of us are dead, which is a Korean zombie show and I liked it. It's on Netflix. That popped up when I was searching for what to watch.

And I thought that was an intriguing title. I feel like Korean films and TV, they deal with just like the shittiness of the world really well and the trauma of living. Sure. It's a good show. It's a fun show. In entertainment news, I got to give a shout out. Matilda, a new single from the band Pup came out today.

And Jeff Dutton directed it. I'm in the video. Wow. I need to plug. It's not, it's not the plug section, but I'm plugging it right here at mid-episode. Today as the episode releases or today the day we're recording the episode. That's right. March.

Okay. The day we're recording it. March 1st. Okay. So not what I asked. March 1st is out. March 10th this episode will be out. So people will have been able to see it.

But if you haven't seen it yet, check it out. They shouldn't do the episodes with Mitch. Nine days in advance. It's too early to do the episodes. They should be closer to the release date. They should be live. They should figure out a way to do a live podcast that still shows up in my feed. Are people mad that you talk about something that happened last week or whatever?

They're mad about everything. I know. I mean, I do practice as well. Yeah. So it's not good to constantly rage. No, don't do that. No, Wags doesn't look. I look because I'm sick like that.

Well, sometimes I look because I like to hurt my own feelings. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'm like, why don't I look at that? Some asshole wrote that. I don't know who that fucking person is. Yeah. I don't care what they think.

Yeah. But I do care. We do. Use your name. Scooman Mitch. You can't not care. Well. Wags, are you?

I'm a side note. Are you lagging today, Wags? Am I lagging? I thought you were lagging. I thought you were lagging. No, I think. I think Wags is lagging. No, I think Wags is lagging.

Am I lagging? Yeah. Hold on. Ask me if I'm lagging and then I'll respond when I hear it. Are you lagging? Yeah. You're lagging. Wow.

100%. What a great test. You're lagging big time. Yeah. I knew something was wrong. I actually heard it and didn't respond to make it seem like it was wrong. I was being a stinker. Wait, now let's do it today.

Hold on a second. I think you are lagging. I'm not lagging. Wait, let me ask you. Maybe I am lagging. You don't know if you are. Okay, I'm going to ask you. Are you lagging?

Yes. Wait, what? Also, this is a fucking dumbass test. See, your laugh there came early, so I can't tell if you're just lagging or being awkward. Well, this is how I always am, so maybe I'm lagging a little bit. I'm going to see if you're lagging. Ready? Okay.

Are you lagging? Yes. What the? God damn it. Will you answer for real? Imagine he's lagging. Wait, what was that? How was that not a real answer?

Oh, because then maybe you are lagging. I think it seems like I am. Yeah, maybe I am. I don't know if I'm lagging. Do it as fast as you can. You have to do it as fast as you can. Are you lagging? Yes.

But you keep getting confused because you don't know what answer you want to give. You don't know what answer is. Okay, all right. So let's do- Just say Nick. When I say hello, just say Nick. Okay, great. Hello.

Nick. Nick. He's fine. I think it's okay. I'm just being awkward. His internet connection is fine. I don't know about him mentally, but- Yeah.

My toilet's broken. Dealing with some shit. Instead of saying hello and you saying hi, I said hello and you said Nick. That's what you told me to do. You say Nick. No, I know. I know. It was weird for me to choose that.

That'll be my thing from now on. I'll just say my name like a Pokemon. Hello, Nick. Nick. Very loud and flat. Do you have- Chris. Do you have a personal history with Subway and or 7-Eleven?

I love Subway in general. Love Subway. I haven't eaten it in my life recently, but I would say like college to like 10 years post-college, I was into Subway fairly often. And then I just tried to stop eating stuff that I didn't really know about, especially once they said there were yoga pants in the bread or whatever, and then I was like, I'm out. But I would get it from time to time on like, you know, whatever.

Sort of an emergency situation, like on a road trip or like just starving or whatever. And 7-Eleven, I feel like- I love 7-Eleven as well just because it feels nostalgic to me. I grew up with- our version of 7-Eleven was White Hen. White Hen. Yeah. And that's- I can smell it. You know, it's like, it was like exciting to like walk to White Hen and get something

when you're growing up and you're allowed to go out for the first time or like driving with my friends in high school and be like, everyone kind of ends up at White Hen. And then it became a 7-Eleven at a certain point. And- I'm reading about this history now. Yeah. There were 261 White Hens at its peak. Oh.

And it was declared by 7-Eleven at 2010. And I guess converted to 7-Elevens. Yeah. I feel sad when chains become other chains, even though it's like all meaningless, but like, we had Osco, which became CVS. And then I felt like, what's CVS? I want Osco, you know? Even though it's all just the same corporate stuff.

But- Right. But I always like to 7-Eleven, you know, get really stoned, go to 7-Eleven, pick out some various treats, always very exciting. Now, the hot area is something I have never come close to. The food, the prepared food is not something I've ever wanted to get there. I would always get gummies and snacks and all that kind of stuff. But it does, it gives me a good feeling of like, you know, being with my friends and

going out and getting a treat and going back home. That kind of thing. I'm with you. Yeah. I was, I would late night, the hot food for 7-Eleven for me is like when I was a teenager, it was so good. You know, a little mischievous teen. Right.

You got sent to live with your aunt and uncle in Bel-Air. It was a whole chapter of your life. Now they're making a drama version of it. I would go out and I would go to 7-Eleven after hanging with the boys, you know? Me and the boys are out doing our thing. We're talking Micas. We're talking Chankton. We're talking Wu-Tang.

100%. Yeah. Yeah. And would you all get drunk? Were you people who would get drunk together? We would get drunk together. Maybe we're up at the Forbes Hill or at the golf course and we're having some drinks and then we'd make our way down to 7-Eleven.

Tell me about Forbes Hill. Is that like a big hill? Forbes Hill is like kind of like right near where I actually kind of live on Forbes Hill slash Walston Hill. Well, I shouldn't dox my mom. Yeah, I cut that out. What's she going to do? No, no.

Keep it in. Michael, there's Doughboyz fans outside. They're doxing me. They're yelling hot salad. What do I do? I'm dating one now. Oh, Jesus. He wants me to ask you a question about the pod.

That would suck. So Forbes, there's a big water tower up on Forbes Hill and it's like a big empty water tower that used to be like an actual water tower, I believe. I don't know. What the hell was it? I don't know. It's a big tower. You climb it?

Like a movie specific. Like what, like, like, like, oh yeah, there's a town with a, there's an old abandoned water tower on the hill. Yeah. All the kids go drinking. I picture you guys like climbing the ladder on the side of it and like dangling your legs while you drink your beers and throwing the bottles down and laughing. There were some of that.

We couldn't, so you couldn't get in it. We couldn't climb to the top of it. But I, for my 30th birthday, this is pathetic. For my 30th birthday, I was with a few people, Tim Wood, Gabe Parsons, and a couple other folks, Kara Cheeseman. And so we, we, we, I was like, I want to, I want to break into the Forbes Hill water tower. Like I wanted to break into it. And so we brought bulk bolt cutters up and we tried to get into the, Jesus.

For my 30th birthday? For my 31, I would get it. 30? But wait, like, what happens when you get inside? Isn't it like a huge empty cavernous thing? Well, I'd never just seen inside of it. I just wanted to get in there. Yeah.

That's what it kind of is. And so you, you looked in. Tim Wood brought bolt cutters up, but like the bolt was too, it was just too thick. The bolt was too thick. And we couldn't, we couldn't get in. We couldn't, we, there was a, it was a Weigar-esque bolt, just fucking thick. Mitch, is it this big tall brick tower that I'm seeing? Yeah, that's it.

Yeah. You can show it. You can show it. Show it to, show it to. All right. Hold on. It looks very New England, for lack of a better term. It looks like a very, I kind of understand why it's so big.

I understand why it's not really a used thing anymore. It looks pretty old. Oh, wow. It does. See, it was a water tower. There was, there was water up there at one point. But see what I was picturing was like a big white sphere on legs. Yeah.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Yeah. And it was like a castle. That looks like where Prince Andrew has been hiding out. It's like a, it's like not, it does not, when I think of a water tower, I think of an elevated thing on stilts. Yeah.

This is like where Rapunzel lives. Yes. If anyone wants to imagine it. It looks like maybe we're also, we're like, if you want into it, it is maybe in there at the clown. Yeah, at the clown. Which I think we, sure. I think we did play it at one point.

That's a weird one. That's scary. We played it. We played it. We played it. That's what we call sex. We played it at one point. I assure you there was none of that going on.

Not for me at least. Good. Wow. I remember at like the first, I shouldn't tell this story. I'm just saying like at like the first like make, I remember being like at like a make out party. You know what I mean? Like at my friend Justin's house and then like, I was in a room and then like every,

like every one was paired off and making out. And I was like, Oh, I'm like, it was like a nice glimpse into my future of I was just sitting there in the room being like, Oh, wait a minute. I should get out of here. I'm like alone in this. That's like a nightmare. Oh my God. It was, it was a nightmare.

I mean, I had a similar thing. It was at a house party and everyone was like, like there was like, you know, there was like fucking going on. People were like doing the nasty and yeah, there was like the nasty people were playing it. People were playing it and all this was happening. I call the nasty, I say the beautiful. Oh, people were doing the beautiful.

It was beautiful. It's a very healthy sex positive attitude of you, Mitch. So everyone was doing the beautiful, getting drunk and debauchery. And then me and my friend were just like in this other kid's bedroom and he had a PlayStation and we're like, let's play Resident Evil. I was watching him play Resident Evil while like kids were fingering next door. Oh my God. Yeah.

Wow. Now I know that I just had a great time though. I know. I just said, I just said that I had a similar experience, but you are a dork. My man. I don't even think I ever went to a party where that was happening. So maybe I'm the dorkiest one. No, it's good.

It's it's definitely haunting. Anyways, I never got into the water tower. It's still there. Still standing. I like when there was a snowstorm recently, I walked up to it and was just walking around in the snow. So maybe I'll maybe I'll post some of that footage of me walking around in the snow. I'd love to stretch.

Yeah. And hey, you got a milestone coming up. You can break into that water tower for the big four. Oh, you know, I might try. You should try. It actually looks more interesting now that I know it looks like a castle and it's not like a big thing. I think that's more interesting to see what's inside.

I'm going to open the door and oh, I've been found out. Prince Andrew. We'll take a break. We'll be back with more dough boys. Bye bye. You know, Mitch, you're about to take a little trip abroad. You're going to Costa Rica. That's right.

Why? So I'm going to Costa Rica with the family. It's going to be a lot of fun. Going to maybe see a monkey. Oh, that's fun. Going to maybe see a bird. Just that. Just a one monkey, one bird.

That's it. Hey, that sounds like a heck of a vacay. And you know what? Mm hmm. Knowing some Spanish might be helpful down there. And if you have an upcoming summer trip abroad, my go to travel hack is Babel. Whether you're a seasoned traveler or embarking on your first adventure, communication is key to fully experiencing a new culture.

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We offset 100% of our delivery admissions to your door, source 100% renewable energy for our production sites and offices and feature sustainably sourced seafood in our meals. Head to factormeals.com slash doughboys50 and use code DOBOYS50 to get 50% off your first box. Do it. Welcome back to Doughboys. We're here with our guest, Lauren Lapkus. As we continue Munch Madness 2022, the tournament of champions, hero's journey, suboptimal desperation

region. Wow. Subway versus 7-Eleven. Oh, wow. Mitch. Lauren. The rules. All right.

Lauren, you can probably just walk away from the computer for five minutes. Yes. Rule number one, sandwiches only. Side stay on the sidelines. Drinks are in the stink. Chips get the slip. Cookies are rookie. Soups off.

Rule number two, we are in a pickle. Pickles are eligible. Why would they be? Well, some people might think they're sides. Oh. But yeah, pickle is eligible. Rule number three, if it's national, it's rational. Chains must have locations across the U.S., including the greater L.A. area.

Which means, wah-wah, nah-nah. Publix, more like privates. Sheets, you're sheets out of luck. D'Angelo, D'Devilno, and cousin subs, you're out of the family. This also excludes L.A. chains that aren't national, which means Togo's is a no-go. I feel like you should stop before you're sheets out of luck. Once you get the sheets out of luck, you should have stopped. I don't get what that means.

There's sheets like you're, like, you're shit out of luck. Should I say, well, because I had, my alt was like three sheets to the wind, but I think that more means like you're drunk, right? Yeah. Sheets. Sheets, you're going in the wash. Oh, there you go. Sheets, you're going in the wash.

You're too crusty, add that to. You're too crusty. Great. Sheets, you're going in the wash. You're too crusty. You're too crusty. Yeah. Okay, great.

Also, Emma, I'll just retake that and you can insert this and then just like pretend I came up with it. Sheets, you're going in the wash. You're too crusty. Nice. Thanks, Emma. Hell yeah. Rule number four.

I like Ike and that's a problem. Emma, leave all this in. Leave all this in. Yeah, I'm not changing a single thing. It's saying exactly as is. Due to personal conflicts, Ike's love and sandwiches is a recuse from the competition. Rule number five, some heroes are self-made. Sandwich customization is encouraged.

Rule number six, we run hot and cold. You get one hot sandwich and one cold sandwich from each eatery which presents its own challenge, which we'll talk about today regarding one of these chains. Yeah, it seems to be a huge problem. It's maybe a bad rule. I will say that I was the one who suggested it and I did think it was a good rule. Yeah. But it's bad.

It's not working out for us. It's a little bit of a pain in the ass. Rule number seven, you can request extra napkins. And then there's some rules that Susser came up with. We can all perm a ban one chain from the tournament, Mitch, you and I, you've already used yours. A second rule when a chain is perm a ban for the tournament is ban from the podcast forever. There's also a substitution. Commissioner Susser can substitute one chain for another at any point in the competition

and there will be correspondence throughout the month. Let's talk about 7-Eleven versus Subway. A little bit of an odyssey, it seemed like Lapkus. I was hearing about your travails as you were trying to get something to eat from each of these chains. Yeah. Well, okay. So I postmated my Subway because I actually remembered yesterday that I had to eat these. So I sort of panicked and I postmated the Subway, which I sort of enjoyed actually ordering it on the app

because I could go through and kind of take my time looking at all the things, which I don't ever do when I go to Subway. I kind of just get the same thing every time. I got things I've never had and I wanted to try something new. And I liked ordering it on the app because I was able to just not feel the pressure of the person looking at me and just going like, what do you want? Let's get out of here. And I didn't want to stare at the sign because I feel like nobody goes into Subway and like really looks at the sign.

It's like, you know what you're getting. You know what I mean? So I didn't want to do that. Great call. So I also know exactly what a Subway is like inside. There was nothing that I need to explore about that. I know what it smells like. I can smell the floor in my mind.

And so then with 7-Eleven, I had to run out and get these things yesterday. So I went to 7-Eleven and I was immediately sad, you know, looking at the sandwiches and going like, oh, no, I have to eat one. And then I was like, well, there's no hot sandwiches here. And then I was looking at the things that I was looking at. There's like five TVs, huge screens that you would think have menus, right? They just have screensabers or something going for like, there's nothing on them. So I'm like looking at these things like, it's like a commercial for like a pop going into a cup. Like there's nothing happening.

And that was stressing me out a little bit because I really didn't want to ask about a hot sandwich at 7-Eleven. Yeah, I get it. Thankfully I had a mask on, which I felt was great for anonymity in this situation. I walked into 7-Eleven. There was nobody there. Within five seconds, there were like 800 people in there. I was the busiest place in the world. And so I get in line with my cold sandwich.

That can really happen. Oh my God. It was just, it was stressing me out a little bit. But just because it was like, I was like, I have to figure out this hot sandwich situation and I don't know what's going on. And I don't really think they have them, but they must have them. But I was like, maybe other locations do and not all of them. So then I got to the front and I asked the guy if they have a hot sandwich and he didn't hear me. And then I had to say it again.

And it felt insane because I was purchasing a cold sandwich. And then I was asking, do you have hot sandwiches? They said, no. And then I was like, what's this guy behind me thinking of me? And then I'm just curious what everyone's like, what wouldn't you wonder? Like, why does she need a hot sandwich from here right now? Like, I wanted to say I'm doing a podcast that I thought that's too much information. So I, I just, I left my cold sandwich.

But because of that, I was so flustered. I forgot to get the thing that my husband wanted me to get, which was some kombucha for him. So I had to go back in there, get the kombucha. I also just looked at the sandwiches again to make sure I wasn't missing something. And then I went to another 7-eleven and thankfully they're close to each other. You know, there's a lot of them all over the town. And there were like 15 cool high school girls in there. And I was like, I can't ask about a hot sandwich in front of these cool girls.

Like, I can't. So then I was looking, I didn't see anything. How cool are they? Are they like playing it sort of level or are they like... They probably play it. Yeah. And I was trying to Google the hot sandwiches, but my phone wouldn't work because there was no signal in the 7-eleven.

So that was sending me to a panic as well. And then... I am truly embarrassed for you for what we were... Isn't it hilarious? So I was like, I was so humiliated. And then I was like, this is a fun though. This is a growing experience and I'm learning something. I'm going to have a story to tell.

So then I got in my car and I emailed Emma because I was like, or whatever. I emailed the chain and I was just like, I can't find a hot sandwich. Turns out, turns out they don't really have them, but you can heat up one of them. Some of them have things that could be considered because I went on postmates. I was like, maybe I'll find one on postmates again. They can just send me from a random 7-eleven. I saw a chicken sandwich and I was like, is that what they mean? Anyways, so I got this one sandwich and I'll tell you more about it.

Only get to like our orders. I don't know if you want to get into that now, but it was a saga and I found it enjoyable though. I don't get out that much these days. So it was pretty fun. Okay. All right. Good.

I wasn't mad. We're relieved. Yeah. I mean, I'm bad for you. It sounds like a nightmare. It was, it was, it was a lot, but I was like, this is pretty funny. Like that I'm standing here being like, I need a hot sandwich from this location. Like what?

Like who is that? Who's, who's doing that? Well, also Mike, you needed that kombucha. I mean, that's the real pain. Yeah. I had to go back in and get the kombucha. And then I think the guy thought I need my kombucha. Mike.

Was he like, there was some weirdo looking for hot sandwiches in here a few minutes ago. He just said hi. Like I was new. And I was like, it doesn't remember me. He was doing a favor for both of you. Yeah. He's like, hello new person. I don't know anything about your history or what you might really want.

Well, I realize Mike's last name is Castle and we're looking at pictures of a castle like structure pretty recently. I felt really good about that. Oh my God. Yeah. You fool. I got one on earth. Connection just came to mind.

My, my seven, the 7-Eleven is the, this is kind of my neighborhood 7-Eleven that I go to with some frequency and, you know, they don't really have my memory of it was Mitch. We would talk about 7-Eleven. Do they have hot sandwiches? And I think both you and I were kind of like, yeah, they got stuff you can heat up in the microwave, right? Like that's my memory of it is that there would be like, they'd have like, not a panini, but some sort of sub that was like a, you know, a chicken or like a turkey ham melt

or something like something that you could heat up in the microwave. They didn't have anything like that. The only thing they had like that approaching it was a breakfast sandwich that you could heat up. However, the breakfast sandwiches all had pork products and I don't eat pork. So I had to go a different direction with my hot sandwich, which we'll talk about in a second. Mitch, what did you end up doing 7-Eleven wise?

Well, wise I was saying this, I said this when I was going to 7-Eleven, I never really finished what I was saying about it. We got, I think we got lost in that tower, but I, um, yeah, I, uh, I used to, and it's a beautiful tower. I get it. Makes sense that we got lost in it. Um, I used to get a bakery stick there. I feel like I've talked about this on the, so a bakery stick was basically they have,

they have go-go to Keto's still, or they, I don't even know if they call them go-go to Keto's, but they have to Keto's still at 7-Eleven, which are those things on the rollers that there's like Buffalo chicken to Keto's and things like that. Oh yeah. Kind of like, I guess trying to be like a little bit like a, a, a little taco stick. But those always look so bad. Like the 7-Eleven that I go to, it's just like, it's been rolling there forever and there's like four and they're just like, it just looks like who's going like in there

and wanting that. I would want it if it was fresh. I honestly was like, is that, should I eat one of those? And then I was like, I can't eat that. I can't eat that if it was just, if someone just put it on there. And then also I got scared at the prospect of, uh, if they were going to heat up my sandwich, if that was what they did there, then I was like, this guy doesn't touch food all day. This is going to be gross.

But they get that wasn't a thing. So I had a lot going out of my head. No, it's, it's, it's 7-Eleven does give me pause a lot. And I, and when I, but when I was younger than that, and drunk, no issues grabbing a bae, sure, grabbing a bakery stick. It's in the bakery stick, honestly felt like they were on the rollers, but they were like breaded. And then there was pepperoni and cheese inside them.

It's kind of good. And they were, I, I enjoy them. And also like there wasn't pepperoni and cheese just feels so much more like, sure, I'll eat one of those as opposed to like chicken, like go, go, to keto chicken. You know, there's a buffalo chicken. And also they just look so fried, the bakery stick. Sometimes you get bad ones, of course, but like you can look at the taquitos and be like, that looks like it's been rolling around for so long.

It looks like I'm going to bite into it and the ends are going to be like crispy and gross and weird from being on there for so long. They look awful. Yeah. It's, it's a surprise when one of those is good because they usually, they look greasy and old and they usually taste greasy and old, but I've had some good ones. I feel like they have the ability to be good. That's the crazy thing.

And wise we've talked about this 7-Eleven hot dog. I'm not above a 7-Eleven hot dog. I can do a 7-Eleven hot dog. I would have gotten one today if I was, again, if I was eating red meat, but, but me, that I was like, oh, that, then you just, then that's how you answer the hot sandwich thing. You got yourself a hot dog and you just put your, your, your foot in the hot dog as a sandwich camp. I don't, I don't think that would have, I don't think it would have counted, but anyways,

I just, I don't think it would have counted, counted wigs, but I, I went with, There's a debate if a hot dog is a sandwich. And it's not, it's not, it's a hot dog. It's a hot dog. It's not a sandwich, but I would have eaten one if that was what it, what it took, you know. Yes. I was weighing it because we gave you no other options, basically.

Told you nothing. We're idiots. I just assumed that there was going to be a clear hot sandwich situation since that was my directive. Right. Think again. No. Yes.

No. Yes. We did a bad job. No. I honestly thought it was really enjoyable. Well, I'm not really into it, but I thought it was, it was interesting. Well, not interesting, but a thing that happened to me.

Well, okay. Here's, here's, here's the thing with 7-Eleven. The microwaves are mostly gone now. I've noticed this in a lot of 7-Elevens. They had a microwave there. They used to. Yeah. The pre-quarantine, there were usually microwaves in store and you could use those for, you

know, your nachos or your, your goods that had to be heated up, your, your burritos and what have you. And also there was a time, Mitch, and I'm, and my, my, my, my neighborhood 7-Eleven has gone back to self-serve drinks, but there was a period, and we talked about it when we reviewed 7-Eleven on the podcast fairly recently during quarantine, the, there was a point where they would pour your drinks for you. Oh yeah. That was happening at Men's Cheese, where the woman would have to go around and make

all the Men's Cheese for me. Wow. Yeah. Which I did often. When I was pregnant, that was like a bank, my craving was Men's Cheese. And then, but it was annoying with COVID because then first of all, I'm already nervous to go into the place and then the woman, you know, you have to make this woman walk around and put all the toppings on that you want.

You can't get free with it, you know, it's like someone's doing it for you. And that takes out so much of the fun of it, but I would still, what else are you going to do? You got to, you got to do. I got to get my Men's Cheese. There's no other option. You got to get your Men's Cheese. Got to get that Men's Cheese.

There used to, there used to be these big, like steel micro, like you couldn't see inside them. There was no little microwave window. And they were like hardcore. You could push like, it's like push the number three and we'll really cook the shit out of your sandwich. I mean, and though it seems better that you can't see in it at a place like that, like I don't know.

Cause it seems to be really gross. It felt like they were like industry grade. It felt like there was something different about them. I don't know if there was. They might just be regular microwaves, but it's wise in my mind, there was something a little bit more extreme about these microwaves. Maybe not. I think you're right.

I think they're industrial kitchen microwaves. Cause oftentimes the directions for microwaving would be different if you were using the in-store microwave or a home microwave. So I think they were a little bit more potent. Yeah. And so I, so you used to be able to get like a steak and cheese in there. There'd be a lot of hot sandwiches that you would throw in that microwave and that was basically their hot sandwiches.

They also started to make like burgers and chicken sandwiches, like in a little hot case, but those are like the most grotesque, even worse than the daquitos. Those, that there's a little case now next to a lot of like where the hot dogs are. There's like a little hot case and that hot case is just fucking hell. I don't know. They have many tacos in there. They got, they got some chicken sandwiches. They, there was one burger left and the guy in front of me got the last burger.

It looks so old, but I think he just, he just was like needed a desperation lunch. Well, that's what it is. Which I get it. Yeah. But it's like, I was wondering as I stood there looking at the stuff, cause I always avoid that section, but then I was thinking, when do they put this out? What part of the job is this for this guy? Like is this like he opens, you know, he starts a shift at 4am and throws on it, all these

little meats and then like put some in the little case and then just, he never replenishes them. You know, like it just felt like, what's the story here? I'd imagine those things are on the roll top for quite some time before they get tossed. So yeah. Well, they, they all, they all look, so I never would want you to even, I don't even think that is the hot sandwich experience at 7-Eleven is that little case. Maybe the burger, maybe the burger.

I'd like it, it was the sandwiches that you, that you could heat up, which I was lucky enough to get one. I'll get into what I got. I got a buffalo chicken slider. That was my hot sandwich. And there was no other bigger sandwiches that, that you could heat up. Why is there were some breakfast sandwiches and there were a couple of things like that, but they felt too much, not in the realm of, of a sandwich.

The slider was the closest thing I had. And then for my cold sandwich, there's definitely, I gotta, I got myself a big hoagie. It's right here. I got myself the American sub. That's what it's called. We can't see that. If you're holding up the hoagie for us. No, I'm just reading it.

Your camera. Okay. I'll hold it up for you. I didn't know you wanted to see it. I want to see it. Great. Yeah. There it is.

That's the American sub. That looks pretty good. Honestly, that looks pretty good. Well, I feel like there's a lot of, I feel like there's a lot of different thoughts on this. When we, when we reviewed 7-Eleven back in quarantine, when I was in Quincy, I said that the Quincy 7-Eleven is like one of the nicest I've ever seen them. People got mad at me because they're like, Oh, everything in Quincy is good.

And I was like, no, that's not the case at all. Like the 7-Eleven I went to was like, I loved it growing up, but it was like, but it was not nice. But this new one that they put in, it used to be Tedesquiz. It used to be like, like you're saying, because it used to be a different, it was a Tedesquiz. It became a 7-Eleven. It was actually Curtis Farms where a lot of people worked, then a Tedesquiz and then a 7-Eleven.

And they have, they're like known to have good food. And it also is like one of the nicer, cleaner 7-Elevens I've ever been in, but they have like a little deli. They have like a deli and stuff like that. It is, it is, it is super nice. They've retained the proper deli at the 7-Eleven. They have. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Interesting. Which is crazy. And so you can get like decent stuff there, but on the whole, I think you're rolling the die when you're, when, when you're, that's right, two dice, you're rolling the die. When you're at 7-Eleven and you're grabbing a sandwich, because I think it's more likely you're going to have a really bad sandwich.

I think that it's going to be, it's going to be bad. I know that that one looks good. And I think this is maybe the safest bet is kind of like a cold deli sandwich, like a cold, cold cuts and cheese sandwich. But I think they're always like, one, they always come like, this came with mayo and mustard on it already. I don't like that. No.

That stresses me out. That was one of the things when I was looking at all the sandwiches, I was like, why do they have, why does this one have a hundred toppings on it? You can't just have it be in a package and have all this stuff on it. Like that's not going to be good. It's going to be a sloppy slop. It's going to, it's going to, it's going to mess up the bun. I mean, and they're hardy buns.

It'd be nice if the mayo and mustard were in packets separately. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I honestly don't know why they slop it on there. It seems like more work. And it's such a choice. Like not everyone wants that.

Yeah. Yeah. This one, and so this one, so I'll tell you what's in this American sub. It's with ham, turkey, American cheese, salami, pickles, mayonnaise and mustard. So there was mayo on this, there was mustard on this and there were pickles in there. The sub role is like very, it's a, it's a, it's a substantive. Yeah, whatever. Yeah.

Sure. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a heavy sub role. And so I think it did do a good job of holding up that slop that they put in there early on, but it's very cheese forward. Like biting into this, it felt like I was eating a cheese sandwich was kind of how I felt. Not bad though. Why?

Cause it wasn't a bad sub at all. I, I, I, I think that it was surprisingly much better than I thought. Yes. Well, the Buffalo chicken slider was downright good. What? Interesting. It was. The Buffalo chicken slider was downright good.

You're supposed to microwave it for 30 seconds. I did about 40 seconds in the microwave before the podcast started. And I was asking everybody if I should keep it in the plastic or, or not. Everyone said not to keep it in the plastic. I took it out of the plastic, wrapped it in a paper towel, microwave it for about 40 seconds. And it was good. Wags. It was, if I was, if I was drunk, little, little teen drunk, Mitch again, coming down

from the water tower, I would have been very happy with that Buffalo chicken slider. I would have, I would have, I would have, I would have really enjoyed it. I'm impressed that it was good. I mean, it is a desperation. It's being in the desperation. It's not your choice. Top choice. It's not your choice.

Of course. I feel like that is like a kid who wants to eat food and he's drunk and he's like, you know, a teenager, like that 7-Eleven is like your option when things are closed. There's nothing else to do. It is definitely desperation. I don't know anyone. And you know what? I could see for a lot of people who, who work in LA, they're, they're, you know, like,

you have to have a quick work, work lunch. And I feel like that's where people, you know, like, people go in for a cheap lunch and they sit, some of these work in construction or wherever they sit in the car and they eat it or whatever. And I saw a lot of people like, seeming to come in with like their thing that they always get. You know what I mean? Like there was like, it seemed like people were like, I got my two brisk ice teas and

my two monsters. Like, you know, they were coming in like getting their, their little kind of routine it felt like, which I can respect. But I felt like if you're going to have the food, why don't you just go, there's other options for a quick, cheap meal that I would eat, like I would eat McDonald's way before I would eat this. Yeah. And that's going to be the same price.

I think that's a fair point. It's so fast and it's ready to go. Like it's faster even than McDonald's or than, than Subway. So you know, you can just grab and go, but the simply tuna chicken salad sandwich, I'm sorry, not chicken salad sandwich, the simply tuna salad sandwich I got, simply tuna salad sandwich I got was, talk about rolling the die. I know it's such a bold move. It was bold, but I had, but I also got tuna from Subway.

So I wanted to try to have a head-to-head one-to-one comparison. It was like 4.99. So you know, it's like, it's, you're still, that's, that's like, that's, I mean, that's a cheap lunch in this day and age, but it's still like a, you're still, it's still five bucks. You could get, it's been five bucks at Burger King and get something a little bit fresher and more substantial. The thing I got for my hot sandwich, Mitch, was my chimichanga, was the chimichanga chicken

fajita, which was the closest I could come to, to something that was a hot sandwich that I could also eat. And it's a chimichanga, so it's, it's, it's more, it's closer to a burrito than a sandwich, but it's kind of disqualified, honestly, but I mean, we can disqualify it. It's fine. I'll just say that the, the simply tuna sandwich, the, the simply tuna salad sandwich was my favorite thing I had of, of anything, at these two chains, the simply tuna salad sandwich, ever in my life.

This is number one, my favorite experience. The first joy he's felt. First time I've enjoyed anything. Ever had in my whole life. Do you know what I want out of 7-Eleven? Here's what I want out of 7-Eleven. You know how Ben Affleck is like to Matt Damon and Goodwill Hunting is like, I want to like show up here one day and like knock on your door and you're not here.

You know, that, that, that moment. I want to go to 7-Eleven and I want to see no sandwiches in the, in the sandwich section. Cause they're so popular because. Yeah, there's, there's, they just shouldn't, they make too many sandwiches. They should just be gone. Like the fact there's two, but you, you always have to go through. You always have to look at the dates on 7-Eleven sandwiches cause there were some that said Saturday, when I was in, when I was in there yesterday and, and, and yesterday

it was a Monday. And I was like, this can't mean next Saturday, but there's no date on it. You can't just say Saturday. That's like, it could mean anything. I mean, that is, that is another issue. This one, what does the one on this one say? Let's see here. This one, I think this one said Tuesday, but do you mean, do you mean for the

preparation? Tuesday, this is crazy. This, it says best by Wednesday. And then there is a thing after that says 0302, which is March second, but that wasn't on every, there, that wasn't on everyone. It wasn't. You can't just say best by Wednesday. You just go, all right, it's still good.

No matter when you pick it up, that's crazy. Just green. Hold on. I'm going to go check the other rapper one second. Okay. Okay. Mitch is standing up. Well, do you want me to tell you what I got?

Please do. I got the smoked turkey and Monterey Jack cheese sandwich with green leaf lettuce and Southwest mayonnaise sauce on oat topped wheat bread. And it looked, this was the one that looked the best to me. One thing that I liked about it is that the lettuce was on the side. So that, that was very thoughtful. I thought like it's not going to be all wilted and smushed between this bread. And I was worried that the bread was going to be really mushy because of the,

just because it was sitting in this box and it was all put together. Like sometimes it just sandwiches get gross like that. Yeah. Um, but I will say it was gross and it was, um, Oh boy, what a bummer. I, I hit it. Okay. So I ate a bite of it and then I was like, I don't have to fucking eat this

just cause I said I would, but it wasn't, it wasn't the worst thing I ever had. Like if it was like, if I needed to eat, this would be fine. It wasn't horrible, but I wasn't starving in my house. I didn't have to eat it. And I took a bite so I could participate in the, in the game of the show. I wanted to be able to give you a solid answer. I, the lettuce being separated was really good because it still remained crispy and the bread wasn't too mushy.

Um, but the, the meat was just like a stack of Turkey, like the thickest pile of Turkey with no nuance. You know what I mean? Like there was, it was just like, it was like a brick of Turkey and like deli meat, just not separated at all. And, um, that was kind of gross. So I was just eating this like thick chunk of Turkey. And then the Southwest Mayo was fine, but yeah, just a little, just a little

too much for me. I, the whole thing was just, I was kind of scared of it. And then I, we really fucked you over here. No, it's totally fine. Um, I think anywhere I were to go on this show, I'd probably think something was gross, right? The hosts at least. But, you know, it wasn't, it wasn't the worst thing that ever happened to me.

I just, I just didn't want to eat more of it. Sure. Well, that's, I'm sure this, someone has had the worst thing that's ever happened to them just being on the show, but I, it sounds like a, it sounds like a horrible time. By the way, I looked at the slider, it was marched, it was marked March 1st. And I got to say it is tiny writing and it is hard to see. Like I didn't, I didn't, when I was in the store, I didn't even realize that.

Uh, so I ate that sandwich on the best buy date, basically, but there's just too many sandwiches in there. And you can tell the older ones are like upfront and usually sweaty. You can see like the plastic is sweating. There's like condensation inside the wrappers, but they're just too many. Like, like just too many sandwiches, but they all, I mean, I guess they're making the right number because they keep making them. I mean, there's obviously food waste in this country, but the, the, the, the

company would, for just for, for money reasons, the company would probably start cut down on, on how many were in that deli case, but there's just so many in that delicacy constantly, Nick, I got the last tuna sandwich, I will say. I was going to say one thing I was surprised by was how many options there were, like there were many different types. So I chose the one that was most likely for me to enjoy. And I'll just reiterate that if I had to eat it, I would, but it wasn't, it wasn't so bad that I was going to throw up.

Sure. Yeah. All right. So it's pretty good. That's pretty good. The simply tuna salad sandwich I got, as I mentioned, it was the last one. Uh, it expired and I was wrong at the price. It's actually four, 49, 50 cents cheaper.

It, it expires on the, in two days, expires on the third is the sell by date. Uh, we're recording here on, on March 1st. Uh, and this is described as yellowfin and albacore tuna blended with reduced fat mayonnaise and sweet relish. I mean, I thought the relish was nice. It was a very simple tuna salad preparation. Uh, lots of surface area, surface area to it. Good mash to it.

I thought the bread was good. Sirfish area. Sirfish area. Sirfish area. And they, they're, the bread may have been the same. Oh, we, it doesn't have the, the name of the bread on the, the label, but it was the same sort of, like it was definitely a wheat bread. And I thought it had a good flavor to it.

Like I liked that. That was my favorite bread of anything I ate today. Um, so it was a very solid sandwich. The, the surprisingly solid tuna sandwich. The chimichanga I thought was not a sandwich and yeah, not disqualified. Just to touch on it, I, I do think it had good seasoning on the chicken. The chicken meat was okay. Um, the texture of the chimichanga outside, which just did not work in a microwave.

You need a deep fryer and air fryer for that. It, it was more tamal like than, than chim, than chimichanga like, uh, or, or like a gummy burrito. So it was, it was kind of a bummer. Wags, when you picked up the last chimichanga, was Deadpool like, oh man, was he behind you in line? He was disappointed. Yeah.

Well, I mean, like I, it was the last tuna sandwich, but, uh, yeah, he had the same reaction. Oh, you wanted the tuna sandwich? He wanted that one too. I've never seen Deadpool. Deadpool, Deadpool likes chimichangas. I picked up on the crowbar that in there. He likes Jimmy Chongas.

He says he likes the name. Yes. He's, he's a little out of control. He's funny guy. Yeah. He's a funny guy. He's pretty funny. Uh, well, it sounds like Wags, this all sucked, but you said to me beforehand,

Oh, thank heaven. So you, so that tuna sandwich is maybe. Maybe the best thing you ate of the day, huh? I'll just say surprisingly good outing where maybe spoiling my, my pick here, but let's get into Subway a little bit. Unless Lauren, you just had the one sandwich from. Yeah. And I considered heating it up.

And then I thought, I'm still going to say it sucks. You know what I mean? Yeah, don't do that. Like it was. So that was fair. Subway. Disqualified as well. Uh, Subway, here we go.

So Subway, look. We've, we've talked about Subway a bit and I think Subway is what it is. And I, this visit, I almost felt like I gave it, we give it too much of a hard time because if you, like Lapka said, there is, there is a true feeling of panic when you're in, when you're in a Subway and there's a line that you order everything you want quickly as to not fuck up the machine that's going. Yeah. And then when I, and then like, it is a funny thing.

Like you'll be in line and there'll be another person with you. And then like the guy ordering like does like, you know, like does a big crazy order or orders two sandwiches or three sandwiches. And then like, you can even look over to the person next to you and they're like, like this piece of shit. Like there is a, there's a weird, there's a weird thing with Subway where you're like, this fucking asshole is asking for too much. You should go in knowing your sandwich order and it should take like 30 seconds

for them to make it. Yeah. No, this guy wants double meat and avocado and bacon. He wants just the bread toasted. Yeah, that's a piece of shit. Yeah. That freak is fucking, that's, that's a huge asshole at Subway. But Subway, I'd never liked.

I always thought it was a bad sub sandwich. I was a fan of D'Angelo's Wags. We've talked about the sandwich that should be in the competition, but it's only in the Northeast. Um, and so when I went to college, there was like a kind of like, it was like a, like a sandwich place, like by Subway. So like it was Subway sandwiches, basically. Uh, and I was like, Oh, okay.

I get how this can be okay. And, you know, like, uh, they did a Buffalo, like a Buffalo chicken type sandwich there and it's like, Oh, fine. That can be a dinner. You know, that's a, that's a, that's a good dinner. Uh, and then when I got to LA, I lived right near Wilshire and right around the corner was a Subway. And that's where I started to get Subway, like a lot.

And I'm with Lapkis. If you know what you're going to do and you're, and you, and you got it all planned out, you go in and you get it and you're going to have a fine time. It can be fine. And sometimes it's even going to surprise you and it's going to be pretty good. You know, like sometimes you'll be happy. Um, but it's not a place that I'm like trying to go to almost ever, I guess anymore, sure.

Uh, cause if you're going to, I mean, and I think that this obviously it's, it's sales have gone down. It's been in, it's been in a tough spot, right? I mean, it's still is probably number one, but they've like done a new marketing campaign. It seems like they're like trying to get customers back to Subway. Oh my God. Their napkin had a joke on it.

I forget what it said, but I was like, Oh, we're getting cute in the napkins now. Oh, wow. I wish I remember what it said. Damn. But yeah, I was, I was thinking the same thing. I actually worked in that room for a few weeks. Punching up Subway napkins. Did you get paid in foot longs?

Yeah. Hey man, it wasn't cheap. I will say I was kind of surprised by how much my, one of my sandwiches was, was way more expensive than the other one. I didn't, I was, it had some fancier ingredients, but I was kind of surprised. But like, I, I agree. It's like, I, I would rather go to Jersey mikes. I'd rather go to Jimmy John's.

I'd rather go to which, which I mean, you know, if I'm going to get a sandwich or Montecito or I'm not Montecito, um, Mendocino farms and get a good sandwich there. Um, but you know, it does the job and you know what it is. And there's something sort of comforting about it in that, you know, fast foodie kind of way of just like, Oh, it's going to be, you know, you got your chips and your drink and make it a little thing and it's whatever. Yeah.

Yeah. I know it's, it's in, it's got, they got the, the long bags, the long bags are fun and helpful. Um, what did it do? It would be funny if that, uh, napkin was like a Jared joke. Remember our old spokesman? That's, that was a mistake. Wow.

That was awkward. Went for it. Uh, it was something about like lunchtime, gets a little muscly or, you know, something like something, whatever. Um, yeah, but I, I kind of, I had, I enjoyed my sandwiches a bit of it. I had one, Mike, but you know what, you know what the key is. I think is making it hot. I think it's really important.

Yeah. Well, here's, here's the deal is I got one of the same sandwiches, Y's got and he had a bad time and I had a pretty good time. And so I'll tell you what sandwich is that I got. I got myself a foot long. I'm trying, I'm just opening up to get all the ingredients, but I got a foot long Buffalo chicken subwigs, which I know that you also ordered. I did a six inch Buffalo chicken.

Why are you doing foot long to yourself? You don't have to get a foot long. Well, because I wanted it. We're any four sandwiches a week for this tournament. You don't know yourself to a foot long from Subway. It was, but I, but I wanted the Buffalo chicken and then I took like a couple of bites of the six, like it was my deal. Okay.

Got it. It wasn't last night. I mean, it was a few nights ago. Um, when was it? It was February 26th. Okay. Uh, and so I got myself a foot long Buffalo chicken on, on, on white toasted. I got pepper jack cheese and then I got, uh, red onions.

And then I took off the cucumbers. Cause I got, I got like the Buffalo chicken sub, which they can make their way. And I didn't want cucumbers. I don't know why cucumbers are on by default. It's a, it's an odd choice. It's not, it is odd. I also ditched them. I added red onions and banana peppers.

So that's lettuce tomato. This is unbelievable. That's exactly what you got. I added the same, I had red onions and banana peppers as well. Okay. Does this become like a thing that should be like hand-holding club? Like it should mean something. Yeah.

This is, I mean, this is a golden hand, this is a golden hand-holding. I mean, twin orders is good. Twin orders. I like twin orders. Okay. We got twin orders. Twin orders, twin orders. Wow.

And then you play the end twins. We do need sound drops. We've decided that's, that's, that's a, it's, you probably hate the idea of this, but we need to add some sound drops during episodes. Yeah. Yes. I talked about this back on the old, the, the raised by TV podcast with a, with a, uh, you and Gabriel and Mitch was on that episode as well.

But in Southern California on her syndicated station, they would play the movie twins all the time on KTLA. And they had their own song for twins that they, the station made up that they play all the time. And it was, and we're brothers, identical twins as you can see. Why watch another movie when you can have two of me, watch twins on KTLA. And it was like an Arnold impersonator the whole way through. It was such a weird choice.

Yeah. Why? It's like, was that the only movie they were allowed to play? So they just like made a whole commercial and like doubled down. I guess. It's so weird. Maybe it was a big draw for them. That's so funny.

Who was the guy at the end who said, watch twins on KTLA. The same, it was a short, it was a Schwarzenegger. Intermitator impersonator the whole way. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's cool. It's a big gig. Very strange.

Well, you should play that whole thing that Wiger just saying anytime we have a twin order. Cause that's okay. Great. Done. I don't think it'll happen. And we both got fries. Whoa.

Play the sound clap. Sound blip. Anyways, look, I'm getting off track here. I got a Diet Coke. I also got Doritos nacho cheese, uh, chips. And then I got a six inch tuna sub. Uh, and I also got that on white. I got my buffalo chicken toasted, by the way.

Why did you get yours toasted? I got a tuna sub as well. That was my second sandwich, Mitch. Wow. This is twin orders. Twin orders, two quadruplets. This is, this is, this is unbelievable. In quadruplets.

I got pepper jack on this. Pepper jack. Is that your kink? Like you're kind of screwed. I forgot that that's what those commercials are based on. It's like, guy, I've been like, and like, there's two girls. He's into it. Yeah.

Whoa. Whoa. This will be complicated. Yeah. They're related. This is going to be very complicated. Yeah. Um, I got pepper jack cheese, red wine vinegar, uh, pickles, black

olives, banana peppers, black pepper and lettuce and tomato on that six inch sub. Um, I, I, uh, I liked it. It was a good. Tunis. It was a good tuna sub. It was good. I didn't get this one toasted. I got the buffalo chicken toasted and that also had pepper jack cheese.

But, uh, I, it was a good outing. I was like, I forgot that I liked the tuna sandwich. If you put on what you like on there and the black pepper was a zesty nice little bite to it, uh, you gotta do salt and pepper. I, I enjoyed both of my subs from Subway. I, I gotta admit Hillhurst location. You did a good job. Uh, it was, it was, it was, it was a nice outing.

The buffalo chicken, the chicken is like a little bit, can be a little bit like a little gruesome sometimes, but, uh, even in this order it was. So yeah. Yeah. That was my issue. And I'll talk about mine real quick cause we got the same thing, uh, cause, cause we're a kudzuplets, uh, the, the buffalo chicken melt had a paucity of chicken.

In fact, I was like, just call it a buffalo melt because that's what I was getting. A paucity? Yeah. What the fuck does that mean? I've never heard that word. Like the opposite of an abundance, a small amount. Thank you. We get, we get to get rid of your fucking word of the day calendar.

He has to horn it into each episode. I gotta figure out how to say paucity today. Is it paucity or a paucity? Paucity, P-A-U-C-I-T-Y. Oh, thank you. And you know, paucity, P-A-W, C-I-T-Y is kind of like Mitch's apartment cause he's got two cats. You know what?

It is kind of like paucity in there. I like that likes. Yeah. So the, the buffalo chicken melt had had so little chicken and I, I sent a picture of it and there was a little bit more chicken hidden under a layer of provolone which was melted to the top bun. So like there was a little bit or the top layer. There was a little bit more chicken, but there's still what just wasn't very much.

So I was getting a lot of veggies and a lot of, a lot of Frank's red hot, which was fine. It had a decent flavor to it, but I just needed more chicken to my buffalo chicken melt. I guess I should have ordered extra, extra meat. The tuna I thought was solid. Good tuna. Did you hear the little, did you hear the little chicken sound I made when you

found the, of the chicken? I, I heard it. It was like a hidden chicken. No, it was good. I liked it. I did a little gauze on it. Yeah. I figured I'd just sort of leave it in like, it's kind of like an Easter egg.

If anyone noticed it. Oh, that's a good, oh yeah. There it's like a hidden chicken. Yeah. Anyway, so we're both smart. Uh, the, the six inch tuna I thought was, was good. I thought that I got it on a multigrain. I think that's a, that's a decent bread in terms of if you want something a

little bit lighter, I got, I always get it with American cheese because it's just because I like that, like, like they're trashy white American cheese. And I also added black olives, Mitch, but I will say, I think the tuna salad at 7-Eleven one was superior. So as a one to one, that's simply tuna salad sound, which was bad. That's crazy. Yeah. That's pretty.

All right. Lapkus, let's talk about your subway. Okay. So I got, um, I got a, I got an all American club, six inch sub, which, um, the all American club is a delicious combo of oven roasted turkey, black forest ham, and Hickory smoked bacon. We top it off with American cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and red onions on tasty toasted artisan Italian bread.

I traded the American cheese for Problone. Um, and I liked this. I never get this. I never, and I never get sandwiches that have multiple meats on it. Um, but I liked that there was bacon and ham and turkey. I, I had a nice little lunch. I got some chips and I also got a cookie because I actually thought, you know, I'm going to do the subway thing.

I'm going to, they're fucking cookie. Cause I always like the subway cookie. Even though it's, you know, it's just pure fake ingredients. It was the hardest piece of rock that I've ever tried to bite. I threw it out. I didn't even bite it. I went, oh my God. Oh, what the hell?

It's supposed to be soft. The whole thing is that they're like these soft chocolate chip cookies. So I threw that away. And that was really disappointing. Cause it also just, you know, if they can't even keep the cookie fresh, it makes you wonder, but anyways, my cold, this is where it got, it got a little pricey and I didn't realize what was going on until I already was done, but it was a, I got a foot long, which I didn't

realize. So, but it's a turkey Cali fresh with sliced avocado and then it's kind of fancy. It has, okay. I'm going to read what it says West coast, East coast. It doesn't matter to us. Why? What we make our Cali turkey for anyone on freshly baked hearty multigrain bread loaded with oven roasted turkey, hickory smoked bacon, fresh avocado,

belgioso, fresh mozzarella, mayo and baby spinach. Now that sounded pretty good to me. So I didn't get the mayo cause I don't like mayo really. Um, I don't think I add anything there. He's upset. I like mayo. He's a big man. I know it's okay.

Swimming in the stuff with that tuna. This sandwich now it, to me, this looked really promising. The picture is beautiful. Ooh, that does look good. That's beautiful. That looks, that looks, that looks fucking good. It didn't look like that. It was definitely smushed, but it was still pretty tasty.

I liked all the ingredients. Um, and I ate it for dinner. I had the first one for lunch and the second one for dinner. And then, um, my, my little dessert was biting into the 7-Eleven one. Um, but it was pretty good. Like I ate the whole, I ate a full six inches of it. Um, but then this morning I thought, I'm not going to eat the rest of that today. And I threw it out.

It didn't, it wasn't going to hold up. I knew that it was kind of smushed together. It just wasn't that great at the end of the day. And the ingredients were like, when I got an avocado in my bite or that good mozzarella, I was like, that's good. But other than that, didn't really do much for me. And I, and I think it's probably, would have been better if it was toasted. That goes a long way at Subway.

Just, just getting it toasted. The cold subs just really don't, ever since they added the toast, the toasting oven in response to Quiznos back in the day, it's just, that's, that's. You can always plus up their subs with a toast. Yeah. It's, it's, it's, it's been helpful. I'll say this, my tuna's sub over, I put it in the fridge and then like the next day it looked kind of inedible.

The, the tuna had like hardened on the outside. It was just like, uh, it just, it did not, uh, why is it, it wasn't, it didn't look, uh, fresh as a John Lovitz would say. Oh yes. Forgot Lovitz had those, those commercials. And look, I'll say this. The fact that you can eat fresh when you go to Subway, as opposed to 7-Eleven, where you, there's no, there's, it doesn't seem like you're eating fresh in

any way. No. Is, is, is a plus side to it. I know the yoga mats is a hit on it. I know Jared also, another pretty big hit, but a couple gigantic hits. Um, but you are getting a sandwich that's made to order. Now are those ingredients all pre-packaged in, in, in probably similar to a way that 7-Eleven gets their sandwiches?

Sure. Yes. But your, your sandwich is actually being put on bread and it, and it's getting made in front of you. And the red wine vinegar is being put on at the time you order it. So that is a huge difference for me. That is, it is, it is important. Yeah.

And that felt pretty good with ordering it where I was like, these are fresh sandwiches. I, I, like I mentioned with picking out my ingredients, I liked that I could read everything that comes on the sandwich already and decide if I want to do that. Cause I usually feel the panic that I, cause I, I'm thinking, I'm not going to like whatever is coming on this already, you know, whatever they have set. But it turns out I did like the things that were on both of these already.

So it's, I think I enjoyed that experience a little more than going into the 7-Eleven. Plus it's always so dark in there and weird. I don't know. 7-Eleven, I mean, subway, subway, subway is not dark. It's bright as the day is long. Someone say too bright, blinding, can't find my way around in there. I, I think 7-Eleven, well, well, we should get to scores. Let's score this bad boy.

We should start rating these. So, so you can take another, you can take another nap lap. Cause as he describes the scoring system. Okay. We're going to rate these out of the following categories, uh, from $10 in newly legal NCAA endorsement money. So out of 10 for each chain in each of these categories, bread, meat, veggies, condiment, slash sausage, slash sausage, dunk ability, messiness, blow factor, which is

like, would you have to blow on it if it was too hot, overall subs, slash theme. And finally, would you give it to Jared, which is not zero to 10, but is a yes or no. I'll go first bread, I, I, I, 7-Eleven's bread was better in this instance, but I will give the slight edge to, to subway because I think it's a little fresher. So I'll say, uh, four, seven, 11, five subway meat. I'm going to say six, seven, 11 hot. And that's too high. Five, seven, 11, three subway, veggies.

Hmm. Fuck. Uh, seven, 11, zero. I don't think I had any vegetables on anything. And, uh, and subway, I'll give a, I'll give a six condiment, slash sausage, 7-Eleven's mayo and relish was pretty good. I'm going to say a five for 7-Eleven and a five for subway dunk ability. Oh boy.

None of this was dunkable. I'll, I'll give them both zeros messiness subway was pretty not messy. Or I'm sorry, subway was pretty messy. 7-Eleven was pretty not messy. So I'll say that 7-Eleven gets a two and subway gets an eight. It was pretty messy. Blow factor, definitely that chimichanga chicken fajita or straight out of the microwave was pretty pipey.

So I'm going to say that that one is, I'll give 7-Eleven a an eight and I'll give subway a four, uh, overall sub slash theme. They both have great branding and they both do what they're trying to do effectively. I'm going to give, I'm going to say nine for 7-Eleven and seven for subway. Uh, would you give it to Jared? Ah, I'd give that Buffalo chicken melt to Jared. Wow. And be like, this is your legacy.

I hope you're happy. Wow. All right, Mitch. What do you think? Bread meat, veggies, condiments, dunk ability, messiness, blow factor, overall sub theme, would you give it to Jared? I think that, I think that for, I, I got, I got all the categories. I think that 7-Eleven's really vary on the location.

Like we've talked about 100%. So for like Weigher, when he's going to his Brentwood 7-Eleven, it's a lot nicer than anyone, I don't live in the Tory neighborhood of Brentwood. I've been working class area, but gone. Um, anyways, my 7-Eleven, I, I went to the one that I always went to the one near Palmerston, uh, made the trip back over there to, to get sandwiches. And not a great outing, but, but, you know, Subway is what it is too. So here we go.

Bread, I'm going to go for Subway, uh, God, uh, Subway is a four and 7-Eleven is a three, uh, meat, I think seven, I think Subway's meat is better than 7-Eleven's. I'm going to go Subway five, 5.5 and then 7-Eleven gets a 3.5, uh, not bad though. Veggies, why is that? He was saying 7-Eleven almost non-existent. There were pickles on my sandwich. Um, and so that gets, that gets 7-Eleven a half a point 50 cents, 50 cents. And then, and then seven, and then Subway actually has, has a pretty good

outing for veggies. I think they actually do a pretty good job with veggies. The, the, there's a, there's a wide veggie selection. I'm going to give it seven, I'm going to give it a seven. Um, condiments, sausage slash sausage, 7-Eleven, a lot of good condiments. Uh, you can, you can sauce it up in any way you want to 7-Eleven, not as much, but it does have hot dogs, which I do think you can classify as a sausage. So 7-Eleven gets a, gets a 10 because it's the closest one to having sausage yet.

And, and Subway, Subway has good condiments, so I'm going to give it an eight. And then, and then what do you do? Average all of these or what? No, no, these are, these don't even matter. Oh, it's going, is anyone writing this down? Or you're just like, Emma, are you, are you writing them down? No, Emma's not even writing them down. Emma knows not to write them down.

No way. She's hilarious. Dunk ability, there is like the slider you could dunk and then this American sandwich you could dunk, but I don't really want to dunk either of them unless I'm dunking the, the, the slider to ranch. And then with Subway, there's just a little too, they're, they're close though, because they're kind of like little torpedoes. So you could almost dunk them, but neither of them are really dunking sandwiches.

I'm going to give a dunk ability to 7-Eleven is maybe a little higher. Honestly, I'm going to give that a four and the dunk ability to, to Subway is going to be a, a one messiness Subway was messier than 7-Eleven. Though the Buffalo chicken slider was pretty messy. I'm going to give a four to 7-Eleven. And then to Subway, I'm going to give a seven and then blow factor, neither, no blow factor for either, but they both get zero. There was no blow factor at all.

Wow. And also I heated mine up. There was just none. There was no blow factor. Zero blow factor. 7-Eleven, a Subway, you're never going to have to blow on your sandwich to make it. It just is never going to happen. Uh, hold on a second.

I have a phone call from my postmates for two more sandwiches. Okay. Hello. This is not related to the tournament. It's down in my garage. Um, so I'll finish up right now. Okay. Um, overall sub theme, I think they both do why.

So what you were saying, they both do what they are, are trying to do here. Um, is it good? I, I, I don't know. I don't know if it's necessarily good, but it's, it's what they're trying. And so 7-Eleven gets eight for theme and I'm sorry. Yeah. 7-Eleven gets eight for theme and Subway gets a nine for theme. Um, and when I give it to Sharon, I have great logos and color ways, I will say.

I love both of their logos and I love just like the green and yellow color scheme. I think works. They, the, or the green and orange color scheme and the white. They're beautiful. Yeah. What I, what I give it to Jared, the answer is maybe I would give him why. Cause like you were saying, that's kind of a fun reminder for the subway thing. But no, I'm not a freak like you.

I'm not going to support Jared anyway. He doesn't get it. She doesn't get to either sandwich. Wow. He gets hungry tonight. He's going hungry tonight. That's, that's mine. Lapkus, you're up and I'll be right back.

Okay. Now are you going to read these categories? Yeah. I'll walk you through these. Mitch is going to stand up and Mitch has his wire. This is the thing we've learned. He has his wireless headphones on while he's leaving the record. So he can hear, so he can hear us all.

Yeah. So yeah, we have to be careful. I hope he comes back with more subway. I will love it. He's just like, I just want him to see. All right. First category is bread. I would say the bread, um, seven, 11 bread and give it a three, um, the subway bread.

I give it a four. You know, the bread's not that good. Yeah. It's, I mean, it's, it's, it's, it's purportedly fresh. But I, I was comparing it just to each other. I'd give the subway bread an eight. You know what I mean? Like, but it's like bread in the world.

No, I'm not going to eat that bread. Great point. All right. Next category, meat, meat, subway bread was better. I mean, some way meat was better than the seven, 11 meat. I would give it, uh, subway, give it a six. I'd give seven, 11, uh, two veggies. Um, my lettuce, that was with my seven, 11 sandwich was crispy and fresh.

So I'm going to give it a six, but my, my, uh, veggies on my subway were good. I would, my avocado, especially it's a good test of if something is like fresh feeling if the avocado looks good and it did. So I would give that, um, a seven. It's a good point on the avocado because they do have proper avocado there. It's not the avocado sauce. They have it. Yeah.

John's, uh, all right. Next category, speaking of sauces, condiments, slash sausage, slash sausage. Um, my seven, 11 just had the Southwest mayo on it and I didn't really like that. So I'd give it a three. Um, my, my subway condiments were good. I think, uh, that was a, I didn't, I don't know if I had, maybe I didn't have any. No, I did. I don't know.

I would say six. Wow. Since it's meaningless. It's not meaningless. These are legal NCAA dollars we're going to be sending out. Oh no. Oh, there's money associated. Next up, dunk ability.

Uh, the dunk ability, I would definitely not dunk that seven, 11 thing in anything. I would say my subway sandwiches could be dunked. Um, I'd give them a 10. Wow. Next up messiness. My, none of my sandwiches were messy. I would say so zero is good. Zero is fine.

Yeah. Yeah. They all get zero. Wow. A next category blow factor as Mitch has returned. Um, I blew on all of them for hours. The blow factor was amazing. Wow.

We all get a 10. Wow. All right. Uh, one more category overall. Hey, hold on a second, Nick, can I just, can I just, just a second? I just want to make sure that you're taking this seriously. Just want to make sure that this is something that we take seriously. So, um,

Okay, I'm sorry. Um, yeah. Okay, blow factor was zero. All right. Thank you. Thank you. We're happy now. Back on track.

Overall sub slash theme, overall sub, I would give, um, the seven, 11, the, I don't think the theme is great. I would say, um, I'd give it a three. And then with subway, I would say we're, we're in a six or seven because they had the kind of cheeky napkin, you know, I think some things, they were kind of trying some things and, and it's all, you know, the brand, the brand identity is there, the bag, you know, it all, it all spoke to me in that way. So did I give it a score?

Give it a, give it a eight. Finally, would you give it to Jared? I would shove it up Jared's butt through a. Great answer. Yeah. Freak would like it. It's what I wanted. Yeah.

You have any more? Oh God. All right. It's now time to pick our winner and Mitch, where's the sub going? Lauren, this year, the subs are going. So we sent him to the aliens. So the aliens were invading, uh, you know, in the past and we, we, you know, we sent him to the devil to make the devil nice this year.

The Hogi's are going to Rogi. We're sending the Hogi's to Joe Rogan in hopes that he'll change his mind on the coronavirus or alternately stay strong. It depends on where you stand as a listener. Wow. You just want to walk down the middle and let people make their own choices. That's awesome. We give the facts you decide.

So up to you, uh, up to our listeners, how they want to interpret this, but which, which one of these is so good that you think it would be something that you would send as a representative of the sandwich as an entity, which Hogi is going to Rogi. So is the idea that he's never seen a sandwich? This is, I'm showing him, this is what a sandwich is. This is what a sandwich is. Like he's, he's, he's been eating paleo for so long, uh, worried about his

physique. He's forgotten what a sandwich is. Does have a concept of it. Yeah. Okay. So we're like, this is the platonic idea. This is the best example of a sandwich from these two chains. Oh, like, so I'm, I'm picking a chain or picking a sandwich.

You're picking a chain to win. Okay. So we're going to say either, we're going to hang on down from three to, three to one and we'll say in unison, either seven or subway or pick. Okay. Here we go. Which Hogi's going to Rogi in three, two, two, one, seven. Wow.

Subway wins in a split decision. Two to one. Nice. Seven 11. Unfortunately eliminated. I can't believe you said seven 11. Me neither. I was, I was close wise because it would have been funny for seven 11 to be an

upset and win, but I was looking over and there was a fruit fly crawling on that sandwich from seven 11. And I threw in the trash. Disgusting. There's multiple fruit flies in here, but the one was on the sandwich. Crust me out. Those are your pets. One of them was gold bloom.

Hey, I want to have a little gold bloom. Oh man. Be careful. I wrote, you know what? Subway is going to Rogi. Rogi's getting his Hogi from Subway. Congratulations. Subway moving on to the semi soft finals where they will face the winner of the

double episode. Jesus Christ. Arby's versus Panera. So some loser seven 11 has been eliminated, but it may live to bite again in our losers bracket and fat cat, fat chance kitchen, but no, Mitch, I don't think they're going to, because as much as I like seven 11, they just don't belong in this tournament. So I am going to use my one and only perma ban to say seven 11 is out.

Seven 11 cannot return to the tournament. Wow. So we can never review seven 11 ever again. Is that a part of the rule? That's what the commissioner said, but we don't have to listen to him. Anyway, so it's okay to never review it again. We have lots more to say. They might have a chip.

They might have a new new thing we like chip. Yeah. A new chip. Lauren, will you give us permission if they have a new chip that we can still go to seven 11? If they have a new chip, you can go back or if they have a new slurpee. Okay. Oh, yay.

We're happy now. We'll look for that. We're happy now. So, uh, so that means Subway moves on seven 11 eliminated and perma band. We'll be back with more tow boys. Hey, you. You craving fresh, delicious, easy meals, try wild grain and get their bake from frozen sourdough breads, fresh pastas and artisanal pastries delivered right to

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in every box. When you go to wild grain.com slash dough boys to start your subscription. You heard me, free croissants in every box and $30 off your first box. When you go to wild grain.com slash dough boys, that's wild grain.com slash dough boys, or you can use promo code dough boys at checkout. Do it. Welcome back to dough boys as we continue much madness 2022. Our guest Lauren Lapkus today and hey, it's time for a segment, Mitch.

Wow. Mitch, I feel like for over a month now, we've been talking about the return of my snackrifice, our annual segment, where we give up some snack for the remainder of the year. You keep postponing it, giving yourself a stay of execution, if you will. It's not happening today, is it? No, it's not happening today. Can we lock it in for some time during the tournament?

Can we at least say that at one point during the five march episodes? At one point during this month, my snackrifice will happen. Okay. And you still need 48 hours notice in advance of their core that it's correct, all of that still stands. And also you don't use your phone on Sundays. So it will be tricky. Well, it can mean doesn't it?

The notices never come from me specifically. Yeah, I don't use my, yes. Yeah, I do. I do phone free weekends now. I was doing phone free Sundays for a while and then expended it to the weekend. It's great. Do you love it?

I could not love it more. That's awesome. Feels like such a respite from the outside world. So if you want to use Pornhub, Saturday and Sunday, that thing is fucking moving, moving smoothly because Weigar is not a fucking, causing a log jam. Well, it's time for a different segment. I get a set of jingles and Mitch and Lapkus must guess the year they were released. It's another edition of Jingle All the Way, spelled W-H-E-Y.

We love this segment. The segment is courtesy of the drop king, Robert Persinger, who has compiled these as always. The rules, first up, whoever gets as close as the year without going over, gets a point. If you guess the year exactly, you get two points. That's the art and marine rule. And if the game ends in a tie, the guest wins, which is the Mitch Kenner rule.

So Mitch, you have to win by one. You have to win clean or else you lose. All right. So stupid. It's price is right rules. It's so stupid. Anyways, let's go. I think it helps.

I think it helps the game play. All right. First, first ad. Let's go ahead and play this one. This is Subway My Way. Oh, my God. How cute. Yeah.

A little kid in a wagon with a bunch of subs. There was a big party sub being toted on a tandem bicycle look like. That could have been baby Mitch in the end of the wagon taking the subs away. Maybe depending on the year, but it depends on what year this came out. By the way, I was writing down your initials to keep score. We got LL and M.M. Oh, that's nice. Both double letters and consecutive in the alphabet.

Yeah. And you know what else? Our producer here, E.E. Wow. What's going on? I love it. We spell Elm. Yeah.

Wow. That's awesome. Yeah. I feel left out. Lame. Subway Byway. Oh, yeah. Which year did this come out?

NW. Subway My... So do I... Am I going first or the guest goes first? I think the guest gets to choose to go first or second. Yeah. I'm going to go second. I'm going second.

Okay. All right. Good choice. This one is interesting. I want to live in the past. It looks simpler. I know. It's simpler times.

Yeah. I mean, awful in many ways. I'm sure still. I mean, I'm not sure. Yeah, but in that commercial, it looks easy. That commercial looks fucking easy and nice. Dorky guy with the glasses kind of looked out of place for that, for that commercial, honestly.

Maybe it was a little secret hunk. He had the glasses on, but it was a little, it was a secret hunk. But I feel like it felt like a very like normal people on that commercial, which for the 80s ads, I feel like, I don't know, maybe that's the way it was. Anyways, I'm rambling on 1984. Wow. I'm going, I'm going in a different direction with that. I thought it felt nineties.

And I was going to say it's 1993. Oh my God. 1993 is Lauren Lapkus' guess. Lapkus is going to get this point. I'm staggered by when, what year this actually came in. 97. 96. That's crazy.

Holy shit. Wow. Doesn't it feel a lot older than that? But no. It feels like the 80s. 86 years ago. If you were born this year, you are 26 years old. So it was a long time ago.

All right. Next one. Jesus. America's roast beef. Yes, sir. Let's play this ad. This is good. This is good.

Got a fancy pants guy. Kind of looks like the Adams family. Yeah. Laurel and Hardy lookalikes. Laurel and Hardy at the end. Yeah. Wow. That was a crazy ad.

The old school Arby's logo. So that's maybe a clue. I will say that. No, not really. But to me, it's not fun. Yeah, not me either. I never paid that much attention to Arby's, but I'm going first.

My guess is 1988. 1988. Wow. From Lauren Lapkus. All right, Mitchie. Well, Laurel and Hardy being in the commercial makes me want to guess 1940s, maybe. It wasn't color, though.

It wasn't color. It did have sound. Yeah. Well, the 40s had sound. That's true. Good point. And there was technicolor back then. Hmm.

All right. So maybe you're right. I laugh because I'm with you that in each commercial, there was one in the subway commercial where they were they emptied out a thing of vegetables and there was like weird onions in it. And then this one, there was just like a fucking cheese getting dumped on a fucking Arby's sandwich and it looked nasty. I'm going to go 19.

I'm going to, you know what? I'm going to go with my last one, maybe a little later. I'm going to go 1985. One year later than my last guess, but I'm guessing 80s. Mitch, if you'd guessed 1940, you would have taken it because you both overshot it. 1981. Wow.

No one gets a point. I'm mad at myself. No points. Lapgis has one. Mitch has zero. Mitch, you're going first in this next round. Let's play Hunt's Manwich. Why'd I go so high?

Yeah. Why did I? Hey,鍵 man, with sensation Bre Team et htion bandwidth. H grab sandwich sandwich, mortgist sandwich sauce transforms ordinary hamburger into a new resist table taste sensation. Just brown a pound of fish hamburger. Stir in the, which and you'll feed six party appetites at

hamburger prices. Try reaching your family with Hunts, Man which knew what the hell to I'm. Blown away by that. This is weird, weird sort of demonic turn at the end. There was an owl. Yeah. There was a random owl that doesn't play into the, it

doesn't play into the rest of the commercial at all. Well, that's what man, which meat is. Owl. Horrifying. Wow. Um, and then a witch at the end of the commercial. There is a woman who says that basically says she's a witch, man, witch, man, witch, I guess it's a witch.

It's a pun off of which I get it now. Yeah, but it's fucking bizarre. This is, this is, this is some hippie, dippy seventies bullshit wigs. I'm going to go with nine. Hmm. I want to guess Billy Corgan's favorite year. Um, 1979, but instead I'm going to guess 1970.

1975. Nice. 1975. I'm going to guess 1972. Wow. 1972. Lapkus is just maybe outplaying me in this game. Well, she's closer, but you both overshot it again.

1970 on the dot. Damn. Wow. Start of the decade. I was going to say 69. Then I was like, do they even have commercials on? I don't even know. Don Draper wrote this commercial, the man witch commercial.

And then you know, and then you know, he played it with the the witch lady in the commercial. They played it just to kind of get extra bonus pay. So this commercial aired during the Nixon administration. How odd does that feel? It's crazy. Tricky Dick was president. I need myself a can of menwitch.

That's what he thought. Tricky Dick needs his manwitch. Make me a manwitch and then I'm going to do Watergate. I love doing Watergate. Delete this section of tape. All right. Next one, still one to zero, Lauren. Next one, Burger King beefsteak sandwich.

Burger King beefsteak sandwich. Who's got something brand new you never had before? Who's got the best on burger and a whole lot more? Is it me and the boys? This is me and the boys. This looks great. Steaks are newest specialty. It's a big piece of steak with onion rings on it.

Yeah, on a long roll. It does look good. Now the Burger King staff is singing. New Chuck beefsteak. Nice. I'm going first, I think. Yes, that rules. That did rule.

I would say 1985. I'm judging by the wardrobe of the staff and some of the children in the commercial. And that's my guess. But I might be, no, 80. No, I got to change it. I got to change it. 83. Damn it.

Is that what you're going to do? I was going to do, I think that this sandwich could only have been born the year I was born. I think that they should have came out at the same time, which is 1982. But since you went 83, I'm going to go 1980. But if it's 82, I'm going to be so mad at myself because it would have been double points. But 1980, that steak sandwich. Mitch, you might still be mad at yourself in a different way, because it's not 1982. It's also not 1980.

It's, ha, ha, always got the time, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Freak out, 1979. 1979, the Burger King beefcake sandwich came out. Crazy. Oh, that's bullshit. What are the lyrics of that song? I want to know what they were wearing in 1985 when they worked at Burger King. Corrigan?

Those little outfits were cute. They were almost like hot dog on a stick outfits. They were. They were cute. And that's, you know, that crew of guys, those are my boys right there. Those guys all singing about the sandwich. Those are my guys. Those were your guys, man.

All right. We have one more. This will, Mitch, if you, you have to get this on the dot, Mitch. It's one to zero. It's one to zero. It's one to zero. Uh, finally, this is a more contemporary ad. I'll say that much and you'll know that just from seeing it.

Cause you'll remember this one. This is Quiznos. We love the subs. We love the subs. Subs are a dollar off. Yeah. When you're bringing up your phone. All things to eat, all your changes.

Home only rise up all your blocks. I'm sorry. Eddie, come on. Beware old baby guts. Hey, Quiznos subs. Quiznos. Toasty. It's just, that's the most insane thing.

Like we watch these old commercials and we're like, wow, that was so weird. What would someone think of that? If you had no context for that, it was like hamsters with the human mouths. It's so fucking ugly and gross. Yeah. The most lapkiss has laughed this entire episode is at the Quiznos sub commercial. That's how bad the pot is. Am I first?

Yes. You're first. Oh, I don't want to be first on this one. Cause this is like such a weird time. And I feel like it could be even be as early as like 1997. I mean, I know around when this is, but I don't know the exact date. I'm going to go YG's 1999. Wow.

I'm going a little later because I feel like this was a little bit later. I want to say 2004, which sounds a little crazy. Maybe I'm going to go with 2004. 2004. Like you overshot it. Lauren, you are closest without going over 2006. Came out that recently. Lauren Lapkiss wins two to zero.

Mitch didn't even get on the board there in that issue. Wow. That addition of Jingle Scoring W-H-U-Y. That was really fun. Just like a restaurant value feedback, let's open up the feedback. And we have a voicemail today. Emma, do you have this one ready to play? Hey, dude.

Boys, this is Ganey from Mount Sterling, Kentucky. Got a question for you here. I was just wondering what celebrity that you think could liven up a chain response that seems to be failing. I'm seeing Craig on the pizza commercials and he seems to be doing a good job getting business for him. So, all right. Thanks, guys.

Wow. It seems to be on a first name basis for Craig Robinson. I wonder if they know each other. I liked his accent. That's a cool Kentucky accent. Very cool Kentucky accent. Mm-hmm. Ganey, Danny, Gary, couldn't quite hear what your name was.

But thank you for the question. A celebrity paired with a chain and, hey, feel free to do this because I'm talking to two celebrities. If you want to talk about a chain that you yourself would like to endorse, feel free to throw that one in there. Hey, Yikes. I think I'm not going to use myself. Okay.

And I don't consider myself a celebrity. I do consider our guests a celebrity. Hey, I don't want to participate. I'm not going to put you in a cup. I would say get Al Pacino in a real Dunkin' Donuts commercial. Wow. Bring him over. That would be fun.

That would be great. It's about time. Come on, get him in there. He's got to get in there. Yeah. That's my choice. That's great. Not failing, not a failing place, but get him in Dunk's commercial.

I'd love to see like Martin Short. Doing like a hilarious McDonald's commercial. Ah, that'd be fun. That's great. Oh, great. I would like to see him in a commercial. He's very charming. I mean, he doesn't need to do a commercial, but he could.

But yeah, but that stigma of like a celebrity doing a commercial doesn't exist anymore. No, it's mean. So like he could, he could do it now. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone would love it. You know what? I have a kind of a comedy update.

You know how like there's like a bunch of hunks that are like, uh, that do like, do are basically in comedy movies now. Like, you know, like, yeah, like hunks of the stars of comedy movies. So that Quiznos commercial, I want to reboot of that Quiznos commercial we just saw with John Cena. Oh, that would be fun. But get Cena and Ham in there. Yeah.

Making a two and they're the two little singing rats or ugly mouths. Yes. Wigs. Yes. I have a, I would like to see, because you know what they do? They do these, these fake things for the Superbowl. They either recreate, they either update a classic scene or they're, they're like, we're going to make a fake sequel or they're like, we're going to make a whole

new movie. They just did one with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Right. Uh, where they're going to do like the Zeus movie or whatever is a, as an actor, electric car. I'd like to see them do that with Paul Schrader's autofocus with Greg Keneer and Willem Dafoe. And Christ.

It's the scene where they jack off in a basement watching porno. Uh, except they're looking at a whopper. That sounds great. Do you see Willem Dafoe's hog in it? Isn't it mystifying? No, he doesn't. It's apparently so large. It's confusing.

Yes. No, he doesn't actually show it. Neither, neither of them shows hog in that movie, but though there is a lot of, there is a lot of sex. Cool. Yeah. So good film. Shrader's a nasty freak.

I like him. This is also just something you've done, right? Look, we're at a burger. We're at a house party. Tunes are getting randy. You and your friend play ookey whopper. And then you play some. That's a good.

All right. End this damn episode for God's sake. If you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants, you can email us at don'twayspodcasts at gmail.com or leave us a voicemail at 830 go to that's 830 4 6 3 6 8 4 4. And the tournament continues all month long on the Doughboys double. Our weekly bonus episode. Join the golden or platinum play club at patreon.com slash Doughboys.

Lauren Lapkis, thank you for giving us so much of your time. Thank you for eating bad sandwiches and for going all the way to acquire them. What, what a treat to have you back on the show. Anything you'd like to plug at this time. Thanks. Um, well, I plug my podcast, three dumb, which I do with Scott Ockerman and Paul Tompkins. And then I also do a podcast called newcomers with Nicole Bayer, where we watch

things we've never seen. We did all of Star Wars. We did all of Lord of the Rings. We did a bunch of Tyler Perry films. And our next, um, is very exciting. Our next, I'll just, I'll just say it. Who gives a shit, right? I can say it.

And Nicole already spoiled it on something else, I think. So it's, we're doing Marvel. So we've been wanting this and we're doing it. And so get ready because it's a wild ride. MCU. Yeah. Check that out. That's very exciting.

Green podcast. Mitch and I have both been on the podcast. Newcomers. If you're, you haven't heard the show, it could be an entry point, but yeah, great show, uh, check it out and check out. Um, and yeah, thanks for the shout outs and three. I always like, uh, when you, when you just, when you talk about the dough boys on three dumb.

So thank you for the dough boys. Listen to you guys all the time. It's hilarious. Love it so much. God bless you. And I did say on freedom, I'm very happy for you guys. The success of this podcast. I think it's really great.

And I just, I like that everyone gets to hear how funny you are. And I think it's awesome. That's so nice to say. Thank you so much. God bless you. Yeah. Sorry. There you go.

Oh, she turned the Michael Jackson at the end. Ha, right before she left. I just want to clip up to him, um, shopping in a grocery store that he had never gotten to do that. And someone shut the public's down for him to go grocery shopping by himself. But then it's just a bunch of people he knew dressed in wigs working there. That's, that's like Barbara Streisand's secret underground mall. Yeah.

That's just so they can pretend to be a normal person. For a little bit. I get it. I get it. I get it. Neverland. That'll do it for this episode of Doe Boys. Don't know next time for Mr.

Slice of bread, Mike Mitchell. I'm the sandwich lad, Nick Weigher. Happy eating. Yay. On the next Doe Boys double each week, the defeated combatants of the tournament of champions compete for another bite at the apple. Who will claw its way back into the main competition as sides leave the sidelines and get on the field, Jimmy Johns or Panera.

Spencer Crittenden joins for Fat Chance Kitchen. Salad days aren't over. Only at patreon.com slash Doe Boys. Want to see the sources for this week's intro? Check the episode description. That was a hate gun podcast.