Doughboys - Panda Express 3 with Oscar Montoya

Episode Date: February 4, 2021

Oscar Montoya (Bless the Harts, Spanish Aquí Presents, Inside the Disney Vault) joins the 'boys to talk video games and horror movies before a review of Panda Express. Plus, everyone admits their food secrets in another edition of Concessional.Sources for this week's intro:https://web.archive.org/web/20090417061928/http://uclabruins.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/ucla-wooden-page.htmlhttps://www.espn.com/classic/biography/s/Wooden_John.htmlhttps://footballfoundation.org/hof_search.aspx?hof=2054https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2001-oct-08-fi-54655-story.htmlhttps://fortune.com/2013/02/05/how-panda-express-brings-chinese-food-to-the-mall/https://www.nbcnews.com/news/asian-america/panda-express-innovates-family-business-global-empire-n367721https://www.pandaexpress.com/ourfamilystoryAdvertise on Doughboys via Gumball.fm.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

From 1964 to 1975, the UCLA men's basketball team ruled the roost, winning 10 NCAA championships over a dozen seasons under the stewardship of the Wizard of Westwood, Coach John Wooden. Anchored by back-to-back Hall of Fame big men Luau Cinder, later Korean Abdul Jabbar, and Bill Walton, the UCLA Bruins dominance on the hardwood would never be matched by another men's team, and cemented the SoCal University's reputation as a basketball school. As for UCLA football, even in its own city it's second banana to one of the most storied programs in history, the USC Trojans. But the football Bruins at least began to approach relevance in 1976 with a hiring of

coach Terry Donahue. Over an early 20-season run, Donahue led the UCLA program to five Pac-10 championships and three Rose Bowl wins, commiling a 151, 74, and 8 record and landing himself in the college football hall of fame. He would later go on to manage the NFL San Francisco 49ers. But coach Donahue's contributions on the gridiron may in fact be secondary to his legacy in chain restaurants. In 1983, Terry and his brother Dan Donahue, who worked in real estate, connected with

Andrew and Peggy Cheung, the owners of a successful Chinese restaurant in Pasadena, California. Together they developed an express version of their in-concept for stationing in the food court of the nearby Glendale Galleria Mall. This stripped-down counter-service version would become the company's primary business model, meeting an unmet demand for budget-friendly American Chinese food, including its signature orange chicken. Today, with over 2,000 still-family-owned locations, it's the churrings who deserve the credit for their company's staggering success.

But his role in its conception is a noteworthy part of coach Donahue's winning record, both on and off the field. This week on Doughboys, we return, once again, to Panda Express. Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants. I'm Nick Weiger, along with my co-host, Gravy Crockett, the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. I apologize, Mr. Slice, Mike Mitchell. That's right. Well, you know what?

I'm not going to lose the Spoon Man. I'm Mr. Slice, aka The Spoon Man. Got it. You have two aka's. You have two aliases. That's right. Gravy, Gravy Crockett. Very good.

Puts Gravy on his meat. That was courtesy of At Natasha Willis on Twitter, who writes, Hi Burger Boy and Mr. Slice. Thank you. Thank you for continuing to fuel my fast food addiction during these trying times. Grossspoonman. At gmail.com. Mitch. Why?

This episode is the last Doughboys before the Super Bowl and although he is down in Tampa Bay, your boy Brady is back in the big bowl game. How about that? I'm probably going to be rooting for him. I think I got it. I mean, look, he went down there. He's going to win one. He's proving he's the best of all time.

What am I supposed to do? Who knows if he'll win. It's going to be it should be an interesting game. Old verse young. It's like me versus you and a podcast off. We're two years apart. Two years older than you. It's not a generational divide like Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes.

Why? I got it. I got it. I'll transition to something that you're a gaming that you're into. Are you going to get Bowser's Fury Mario 3D World? You know what? Our guest may have a take on this because I know our guest is a gamer, but the I am I'm curious about Bowser's Fury.

Apparently it's not super long. It's like, you know, it's like three to six hours of gameplay, which is more than enough for me, honestly. Can I say something that is going to get you mad? You're a sonic boy. You don't like Mario as much. How dare you? How dare you?

You don't like them. You can see a Nintendo GameCube in the frame of my webcam. It's on display proudly. I was a Nintendo loyalist first. I've been, I've been, yes, I like Sonic. Sonic is cool, but I don't like Mario more. Sonic's not cool. You know what I'm going to say to him?

Eat shit, you traitor. I think Sonic's a traitor. Sonic is not a traitor. Yeah, he is. What makes him a traitor? That he has a different corporate allegiance that he's Sega and not Nintendo? I may be blue, but I vote red. Saying Sonic is alt, right?

I think Sonic, when they say back the blue, I think it's referring to Sonic. It's the thin blue line. Sonic is saluting Sonic. That's him speeding by at a very fast pace. You know what? I mean, he turned his back on Evan and Van. We know this. That's true.

Our buddies, Evan Susser and Van Robichill were writing the Sonic the Hedgehog movie. We don't need to reallotigate this. And you know what? I have it on good authority that he was a part of the group attacking the Capitol building. I saw that there was video of Sonic spin attacking the door and he's the one who ran through the door. Yeah. Honestly, like Rashida Tlaib's office, apparently, there were a bunch of missing rings.

So it's possible. I've also heard that Sonic is pulling like a George Lucas move. So he's like retconning so that when you start up any of the Sonic games, it goes, MAGA. Oh boy. Instead of Sega, they're saying MAGA. Look, you can still love his games, even if he is a perhaps a problematic figure, although I think some of this, Mitch, just coming from, you're just mad you never got the likeness

rights for Big the Cat. You're owed a lot of royalties there. He's a traitor, Wags, and you love him. I didn't sign school as hell. Give me that good old classic American Italian plumber. He's certainly not MAGA. All right. Play your drop.

All right. Here's a drop, everybody. Oh, I'm Popeye the Sailor Man. I'm Popeye the Sailor Man. I'm strong to the finish because I eat sweet hot salad. I'm Popeye the Sailor Man. Oh, God. Jesus.

Well, Wags, there it was. Hey, fellas. Was listening to the most recent Popeye's episode and knew I had to send this drop ASAP before someone beat me to it. I don't think you had to worry about that, my friend. I have no audio editing skills, but I'm recently unemployed. So to feel accomplished for a change, I took a couple hours and pieced this audio together in iMovie.

Wow. My wife said she'd never been so proud of me as after listening to this and now I'm reevaluating it and everything. Anyway, you guys are the best. Thanks for all the good times. Alex B. Thanks, Alex. You should be proud.

That's impressive. Well done, Alex. You made something. Yeah. Well played. Mitch, we have a great guest today. Yeah. Long overdue.

Let's get to it. First timer here on the podcast, an actor and comedian from Bless the Hearts, College Humor, and the podcast Spanish Aki Presents. Oscar Montoya is here. Hi, Oscar. Hey. How's it going? Good.

Thanks for being here. All this Sonic talk, man. Wild. Wild. Where do you stand on the Mario Sonic divide? Listen, I've always been a Nintendo boy. Wow. It was never a Sega guy.

And yeah, if there was a console, if the console wars were still happening today, I would be fully on the Nintendo side, even though I am really embarrassed to say that I've never owned an N64, which apparently was the best console. I just never got it. I, you know, Mitch will feel differently. I don't even think the N64 is the best console of its generation. I'd take a PlayStation over an N64. I think the PlayStation just had the better library.

N64 had some very high highs, but it's kind of, it's, I mean, kind of like the Wii U or just like some of the exclusives were really, really good, but just the overall library was bested by its competitors. But I don't know, Mitch, you're a big, you're an N64 stalwart. I think that like playing Mario 64 for the first time is the closest feeling I'll get to walking on the moon. That to me is like. The jump is really slow.

Is that why you're. Yeah. I tell you, the moon just breathed a sigh of relief. Oh, fucked up. I've seen that thing. It's always pissed off. I've seen him in fucking. It's true.

Tripped to the moon or where that stupid bullshit was or the Majora's mask or the smashing pumpkins. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You look like an asshole. But I think that that moment to me, I mean, like, I'm sure that people are going to look

back at my like if you turn on my 64 now, like, or, you know what, maybe in like 30 years, I think now the divide is bigger, but like it will feel like pong to someone at some point. Right. Like it's just. I mean, it's still play. If you played on the new collection, the Super Mario 3D All Stars, it's like, you know, some of the things like the camera is a little wonky compared to what you're used to now.

You know, you can only really move it at even though it's like kind of it's it's a free roaming camera. You can slowly move it to like fixed positions as you're rotating it. But it's but it's I don't know. It's just such a such an incredible design. Yeah. Also a game like that has never been made before. I mean, Super Mario 64 is like unprecedented.

You're like a 2D side scrolling game now taken into the 3D world. That's wild. Yeah. You know, yeah. But I mean, does it has I mean, has it aged well? I don't know. I don't know. It's sort of like, I don't think Resident Evil has aged very well.

It's a great game. Yes. One of my favorites. But do I want to play tank controls? No, I don't. The camera angles are too fixed 100%. But like when there's games coming out like, oh, what's the game that's coming out for Xbox or medium, you know about medium?

Yes. Oh, yeah. Return to this 90s Resident Evil vibe. It's like, oh, did were we really feeding for like tank controls? Like was that something that we really want? I don't know. And also Resident Evil is just they update them. You know what I mean?

Yeah. You get new updated Resident Evils. And I like Resident Evil is one of those games that is still just so great just because just like that. It's very atmospheric. I just love being in those weird like like like half the fun is is not even shooting zombies. It's just kind of walking around in these weird environments.

But you're right. The tank controls are like sloppy and made the game so much harder. Yeah. The updates are the updates are the way to go. If you want to play Resident Evil one through three or whatever, just play them on and play with the remix. Play them with the remix. Right.

Right. But that's this brings up something that this is a this is a thing that you have brought up before, Mitch, which is regarding Mario 64. Like if you're going to do like a an HD remake of a game of a classic game from that era, I mean, there's a candidate. The issue there is apparently with a lot of these games it developed in the 90s and before like the just like the source code and the original assets can't be found anywhere. They're either so crazy or just like deleted once the game shipped in some cases or they're

just like locked away in some hard drive in a warehouse somewhere and they just have no idea where they are. So like they might have to just rebuild the game from scratch, which is an enormous amount of work. That's a minus one to a new game. Yeah. I mean, was was isn't Mario 64 like a mod or something? Like it's like a weird wasn't you mean you mean the the one that they the one that's

on the collection? Yeah. Yeah. It's just an emulated version of the end. They just have 64 emulator on the disk. That's what I meant. An animated version of the game. I don't I don't know that.

I don't know the tech lingo that well for for game stuff, Nick, but I know that the Mario 64 like the Mario 64 for Switch was like a kind of a shitty port, right? It was kind of like poorly done. I don't I never messed around with the oh wait, the Switch one, the one that just came out. I think we're talking about the Wii. Yeah. The it's it's just it.

I mean, it just is the game. It's just the game that from before it's yeah, it's it's not like they did much to really enhance it. But yeah, it would be cool if they did a completely ground up, you know, fucking, hey, the Switch Pro comes out for K Mario 64. That would be amazing. Yeah. So Mario 64 K.

There you go. Ah, there it is. Make that happen. There it is. Make it happen, Nintendo. Oscar, you brought up Resident Evil and I know you you you share something with Mitch, which is that you are a big horror fan huge Mitch as well. Although he is terrified of ghosts and the devil, he's still.

This is true. Huh? Yes. It is laughable. Okay. Red man. Red man. What genre subgenre are you most attracted to?

Hmm. Well, I loved zombies for a very long time and then, you know, the zombie craze happened because I remember like seeing Day of the Dead way back in the day and I love Day of the Dead. And then I saw the Dawn of the Dead remake, which forever makes me be a fan of Zack Snyder because I think it is great. It is. Yeah.

It's it's it's well done. It's solid. It's a solid horror movie. And then I mean like plenty of other movies. I love classic horror movies too. I love, you know, the Exorcist. I like all the Romero stuff. My my favorite, my top 10 favorite movies is the thing.

I love the thing. Oh, not not just horror movies. Top 10 films of all time. And then, you know, your classic Freddy and Jason and Mike Myers, all the big ones. And so what's a movie that you want to watch because it's too spooky? That's the scariest to me. Can't bear to rewatch Austin Powers. The Love Guru.

Shit your pants. The Love Guru truly is the most, yeah, yeah, it's a scariest horror movie of all time. Oscar, what was your question? I'm sorry. The as far as like what's a movie that it's like, OK, this is too scary for me. I can't watch this. Well, I can watch like anything. But I think that like when it is like kind of like ghostly possessions or ghostly like

I just this year I watched that movie Z, which was on Shudder. Have you seen Z on Shudder? Haven't seen Z. No. And it's like an imaginary friend that kind of like comes to life. And that scared me just like the fact of like the conjuring movies will scare me like any sort of ghostly thing or something jumping out will of course scare me like a haunted house sort of movie. It's a haunted house movie.

But I also do sometimes think think those are cheap too, though. You know what I mean? Like it depends on like on it. Yeah, it really depends on the movie. But yeah, haunted ghostly things like like definitely atmospheric scary houses. I mean, have you mentioned The Exorcist? I mean, Exorcist is like my like is to me is like, I don't know if there's anything scarier just because like the idea of someone in this house being possessed and it's this

little girl and then like it's a little girl. Yeah, this is possessed by the devil. And just like I can just imagine a real life of someone was like, there's a little girl possessed the house. I'd be too afraid. I would run away. Yeah. I'd run away from the house.

It's a little girl that's being possessed by the demon and also doing psychological warfare on the holy man. You know what I mean? The man that you think is going to save the day. You're like, oh, a priest is here. Like we're saved. And it's like, nah, we're even more fucked. Yeah.

Somehow. So it's like a very somber sort of message about like, yeah, God can't really save you at this time. It's great. Yeah. It is. You're right. It's that sort of thing of, I mean, it tests his faith throughout the entire movie.

And then yeah, the solution is to throw himself out of one of them to throw themselves out. The other guy dies of just dies. I mean, like I went and visited those stairs in near Georgetown and it like, those are just scary. And there's no reality at all based in them. But I know that with the movie there, people will say there's no, there's nothing that's real about the movie. But I don't know.

I was raised Catholic. So the idea of some sort of, some sort of red man, Weiger with horns and a pitchfork. Oh my God. It's very scary. Red man meaning the devil. I thought you were talking about the rapper for a second. I was like, why? I was scared of red man.

He can't watch how high. I'm scared. He's terrified. I am scared of red man because he, he, he blends up. He loves how high too. Loves how high too. Can't watch how high. I'm afraid of red man because I'm afraid he's, he's, he's, he's got a, he's already

got it in a system of blending up people from Quincy when he blended up John Quincy Adams. That's right. He blends up John Quincy Adams. Maybe they smoke him. I think they smoke him out of, and then Ben Franklin's ghost appears. Yeah. I don't remember exactly what happened. Just remember I watched that movie and I was like, this is the funniest.

I was laughing so much when I saw that for the first time. I've said this on the, I've said this on the show multiple times, but it is still, I will always laugh at the fact that me and a group of friends went to the theater and me and frail bot chose to go see how high and everyone else went and saw, um, uh, oh shit, I forgot the West Anderson. Oh, um, the Royal Tenenbombs. Oh yeah. You 100% made the right decision.

Yeah. You won. I think you won. For sure. Me and frail bot alone went and saw fucking how high and they all saw Royal Tenenbombs. It's very, yeah, fucking just dumb 20 year old fucking idiots went and saw how high. We tweet meditation on a rich family falling apart or, uh, two rappers get into Harvard and smoke a bunch of weed.

They, they not, they bet like back their car into the Harvard university sign and knock it over. It's like, so there's so many good jokes about you hold those two movies today. How high is superior? Way better. Yeah. Wow. I thought you guys would be laughing at me because it was such a bad choice.

Absolutely not. No way. I just love a comedy with, it's just like a silly comedy with jokes. It's just like, that feels like such a rare thing that is just like, this is, this exists just to be a funny thing that people watch and laugh at, you know, 100% for sure that stupid. Yeah. Do they, do they row crew in that movie?

I wonder, I think they must row crew at one point. We should rewatch it. I do, I do remember laughing a lot at that movie. I wonder if it would hold up. In my mind, there's a scene where like they row crew and then like red man or method man sees something and he rows really fast. That sounds funny. I'm not sure if that's real or if that is made up, but in my head, that is a scene that

happens. Or if it's just a fanfic that you wrote, it could be, it could be, it could be fanfic. It really could be fanfic. I am not, I'm not sure. Oscar Horowitz, what do you gravitate towards? What are, what's, what are kind of your favorites? I like, I'm, I'm particularly, oh man, I love the 80 slasher. Like that genre is like absolutely my favorite.

I'm big into like really gritty, stupid, like Frank Hennan-Lotter is my favorite director ever. He directed what I call the Holy Trinity of horror movies, which is, um, Basket Case. Oh yeah. Rain Dead and Franken Hooker. Those three movies are like perfect to me because they hold like the 80s trashy horror aesthetic that I love so much, while also being stupid, campy, ridiculous, and like kind of like import taste a little bit, um, like I love, Basket Case is one of my favorite

movies of all time. It's so good and it's like very, um, it shows like, uh, really seedy, pre Giuliani, New York city that I love so much, just like disgusting, trashy, time square, like just like sex stores everywhere, like people doing drugs on the sidewalk. Like I really just like love that aesthetic, you know? Yeah. It's, it's like you, you watch like, you know, a New York shot movie from the 70s or 80s and it just is so like, it looks so gritty and cool and, and, and, you know, there's

like fucking porno theaters with pimps outside and then that exact spot today is like an M&M store. It's like so, it's become so sanitized. You're in an Olive Garden. Yeah. For sure. It's so weird. Nick, yeah.

If you go at the right time, I have, uh, propositioned the green M&M outside of that store before. She is the sexiest one. Um, I don't know, the brown M&M could give the green M&M a run for her money. That's true. They both seem a little horny. Bitch, the green M&M was like, uh, leave me alone, yellow M&M. I looked up basket case because I was like, I think, I feel like I've seen that. And yes, I have seen this movie.

Yeah. This is the fucked up. It's like a basically just a head with hands that lives in a basket and he's like a little monstrosity. I love it so much. I love it so fucking much. And it's like the budget was like zero. There was like no money put into this movie and they're like, figured out a way to make

this movie. It's, they have, there's like stop motion elements to it. Like shit that doesn't even make fucking sense at all. And it like works. In my opinion. It's not everyone's cup of tea, but I fucking love it. Are you an Italian horror fan? Do you like some of them?

Oh yes. Yeah. Oh yes. Oh, demons is another one of my favorite movies ever. Have you seen demons? I've never seen. I know of demons, but I don't think I've watched demons from beginning to the end. I've watched Argento stuff and I've watched, is it Fulci and a few others?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolute masters. I watched a few of this here. I watched the one that the, is it the beyond or there's two movies that are similar and beyond is by maybe the, I think it is the beyond. I'm not sure, but there's one that takes place in New Orleans and it's like an Italian, like

a spaghetti horror movie basically. I don't know that one. Yeah. Oh. It was cool. Zombie 2. That was the, I think this is the one I saw in high school. My friend Brandon had it and we watched it, but it was released in the U.S. just as Zombie,

right? It's Zombie 2 in Italy, but in the U.S. Yeah. So I've seen Zombie. It was basically an Italian sequel to Dawn of the Dead, I believe, is like what it basically was trying to be. It's, that movie is so, that was a time when I was really, really into gore and I bet if I, and the other movie from that time is Peter Jackson's released internationally as Brain

Dead, but now Dead Alive, which I watched for a podcast this past year. I was called Dead Alive, sorry, in the U.S. and I was like, I loved both those movies because how gory they were and I rewatched Dead Alive last year and I felt sick. I was just like, I can't, I can't believe I used to think this was like cool and like funny. It's just like, this is so fucking vile, this level of, I don't know, I think it's just getting older. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They take, I mean like in Dead Alive, they like eat like an eyeball and a soup or some shit, don't they? Yeah. Like fucked up. Like, I mean like, but also Dead Alive is like kind of like hokey and fun too. It's kind of camp. It's like Peter Jackson's whole vibe. His whole flavor is like gory, but also really fucking stupid, which I like.

Yeah. Zombie two or, or, or just zombie or whatever that has a famous zombie first shark scene. That's what it's, that's what it's famous for. Yeah, it's just, yeah, it's the same shark that bit Batman in the Batman movie. Shit. So you're telling me Batman's a zombie? Think on that for second DC. Whoa. Didn't Marvel do a bunch of zombie Marvel characters?

There was like a full. Yeah, they did. Yeah, zombie that we just got. We went to nuts was I can't believe you. Far. What was the what was the apex of that? Like what was the beginning of the of the zombie craze? I think it was walking.

I think walking dead just I mean like it was right. But but Oscar, I'm with you because it felt like it was like it was percolating. At that point, it was like it, it, it, it felt like we were back in zombie world when that came out. But like the because here's my here's my. The comedy with Bill with Bill Murray worries. Oh, yeah, zombie land, zombie land. Yeah, my theory is that that all this was really kicked off by the book

World War Z, which came out, I think, in the late 90s, early 2000s. And because that was a thing I remember here. And just like dipshit morning radio, I say, like it's any better any worse than what we do. But like like I was just like a morning radio and they would just be talking about this. If you guys have seen this, there's this new zombie book World War Z and they were just talking about like, you know, blades don't reload. So, you know, it's better than a gun.

It's just reading shit from the book. Right. And I think that like part was part of what made it mainstream. And then even though that was like a decade or plus before the movie that you had your 28 days later, your 28 weeks later, that trilogy was pretty big. But I would say like I would put Sean of the Dead in there as well. Oh, yeah. Right. Because when that came out, people were losing their minds. People went crazy over those.

But I still put those in like before the like right before the like some I mean, that is the I guess that's this. I guess that's the zombie renaissance. But then like the zombie overload. I think that the jumping the zombie shark, if you will. Yes. Jumping the zombie shark.

Uh-huh. I mean, Walking Dead started. I think that I was like a good thing for like a season or whatever. I mean, like I'm not saying I'm not judging the show at all. I'm just saying no, you are. And that's OK. And that's OK. I can't hate it. That's fine. I said I said to Wiger just the other day, because we were really talking about the Walking Dead specifically.

I was like, I can't believe that show is still on the air. It's crazy to me. Yeah. And it felt like isn't there a spin-off as well? There's like spin-off. There's multiple spin-offs. It's crazy. They felt it felt like they could have like ended that show like three seasons. People got like wiped out by it.

And then there's just there's there's too much zombie. But then I say that. And then I watch like train to Busan. Or is it Busan or Busan or Busan? And and and that is awesome. You know what I mean? So I guess it's just the thing of making a good movie animated. There's a prequel and it's animated.

Well, I haven't seen that. It's a shutter. It's great because it's awesome. Have you seen hashtag alive, by the way? I have not. Oh, OK. OK. That's your homework. It's another Korean zombie movie and it's fucking amazing.

Hashtag alive. Hashtag alive. Yeah. It's on Netflix. Oh, I love it. I'm going to recommend it. Fully recommend it. It's great. It's going to be watched by me. Love it. And wags.

We'll see if I'm hashtag alive next week. You're not you're not a you're not a horror boy. Are you I can I like actually when we've talked about it, it's been the context of horror video games, which I struggle with. Because when it gets interactive, I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. But when I'm when I'm watching a movie, I'm OK. Like I can manage that.

No, no, Resident Evil Village for you then, huh? No, I'll probably play it just because I want like, you know, I like like resident. I like the original Resident Evil, Resident Evil 2, Resident Evil 4. I'm I'm intrigued enough by a village where I'll probably endure it now. No, I'm three is all right. Damn, I want to say that.

It's nemesis. Wow. Yeah, I was going to say, I'd be nervous about the nemesis here in that. Yeah. That was we say if you you'll be a hashtag alive next week. Yeah. Does that mean some sort of self-inflicted thing or just the way the world is going?

We'll see. It could be. It could be any number of things. It could be the nemesis. Maybe the nemesis gets me. I mean, the way this year is going. Yeah, you never know. If you hear stars fucking run. Remember when the New Year's

you remember when the New Year's ball dropped this year and it was a ball of more murder hornets? Oh, God. I stumbled the I stumbled during the bad joke. That was fine. When I saw that the New Year's ball was a ball of murder hornets. Fuck. I thought this is going to be a bad year, Wags.

Let me try one. Yeah, in Manhattan, when they dropped the ball and it was a giant covid virus, shit, fuck. Stupid. I'm an idiot. Oh, boy. Yes, from the beyond is Fulci. And then from beyond is the other one.

And so the beyond. Yes, from. Yeah. So so the beyond is Fulci. And that's like the that's the like New Orleans, Louisiana on the bayou like house where like the like there's a gate like a portal to hell in it. And then from beyond is Stuart Gordon, who's the who's the reanimated guy, right?

That's right, that one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's good. Those reanimators are great, too. So, holy shit, it's so good. Yeah. I do want to talk about we should talk about food a little bit before we get into this week's chain.

Oscar, I am I am curious your your first time on the show. What are your what's your fast food slash chain restaurant consumption in general? And and obviously that's been affected by the quarantine. Of course, are you someone who indulges in the the unhealthier side? 100 percent. I'm yeah, I am like a big I'm a big consumer of trash. Wow. I love it. I love it. Every fast food restaurant, I I want to say

that I sort of survive on fast food. That's like just where I get my nutrients. If I were to eat a vegetable, my body would convulse, wouldn't know what to do. I don't. Yeah, I don't think I've had anything healthy for a very, very long time. Actually, actually, because of the pandemic, I've been eating at home more, which has been fucking up my fast food intake.

Just because ordering out and, you know, delivery gets a bit expensive. But like when I was out and about thriving in the world, you know, I stopped by many of fast food chain restaurants and just indulged. So, yeah, what are some of your faves? Oh, man. So like, what are some of my faves here? Like. I love a good Jolly Bee, Jolly Bees. Oh, yes. Um, Wendy's, I love.

Yeah, Oscar, I love that you went straight to Jolly Bees. Because that's Jolly Bees is so OK. So here's the thing. I'm from New York. So when I was living in New York, there was no Jolly Bees. Now there's a Jolly Bees in Times Square, I believe. But back when I was living in New York, there was nothing. So when I moved to LA, I, first of all, was so impressed by the Filipino food that I've never had,

but I've never had Filipino cuisine. And there's a huge Filipino population here in LA. And to discover Jolly Bee, the most bizarre fast food chain I've ever experienced. And like now it makes sense. Like, yeah, why wouldn't we serve spaghetti right at a chain restaurant? Like, duh, it makes sense now. It just changed my life. I like that you kind of buzzed when you said bizarre

and that it lines up with the Jolly Bee Bee. Jolly Bee himself. Yeah, I got stung by the Jolly Bee, for sure. And the mascot is the best. It's great. The mascot rules. I haven't had it since we reviewed it back in the day, Mitch. But I really enjoyed my time there. It's due for a revisit. It is it is like a

I remember having things there that I was like, damn, this is tasty. Well, the fried chicken was great, but then there are other things that I try. But I was like, this is very, very strange. And I like not not in a way that just in just in the way that I you're not used to it. I'm not used to it. Yeah, exactly. I'm not saying it was bad. But then there was like there were a couple things that that I am not used to and did not like and it just wasn't for me.

But everything it was it was it was a quality place. Nick, a revisit is due. And yeah, 100 percent. I like that number two you brought up is Wendy's. I was just saying to Nick the other day of Wendy's. Yeah, Wendy's is great. I love Wendy's so much when you when you're saying like, oh, like, why isn't there like spaghetti or whatever? Like, of course, that makes sense. And I'm like, yeah, Wendy's last night, I was saying to Nick,

my mom brought home this this chicken pecan. Salad from Wendy's is just a small one. And I was like, oh, no fast food place does salads as good as Wendy's does. No one none do. Yeah, and that's true. And and and then it's like, I mean, besides a place that is like dedicated to salads, don't get me wrong, like tender greens or whatever, totally different category. Yes. Yeah. But as far as like the big fast food chains, no place does a better salad

than than than Wendy's does. And they do stuff like chili and other things that like you're like, oh, yeah, why don't fast food places do stuff like this more baked potato? Well, I think I think Arby's, you can put in that category, too, of kind of a place that does like weirder things that you wouldn't expect in a lot of fast food places. But yeah, I like my fast food places that go outside the box a little bit. Yeah, 100 100 percent.

Arby's, I had a lot because, you know, it's kind of going through a checklist of like, what are the things I want to have before Oscar? I'm not having meat this year. This is my I'm doing a vegetarian year. So Oscar's like Oscar in 2021, I shall not suck a single dog, Dick. How's that going so far? Ah, I've actually I've broken it a couple of times.

Also, we're recording this. I don't know when this episode is coming up. We're recording this on January 2nd. So you didn't do great. As the ball of murder murder, yeah, murder harness showed up, you were like, I got to get me a dog, Dick. But Arby's was on that checklist. And the Arby's I had it would be an alley went.

And it's just like this is this place is fucking tremendous. Arby's is so good when Arby's when we've reviewed the chain a few times, we've gotten like some of their more, you know, limited time offerings. And sometimes those are hit or miss. But if you just go down the middle and get their beef and cheddars and a curly fries, it's just it's so it's a home run. Yeah, it's so good. Yeah, it's so great. It's so freaking great.

So wait, I have a question for you. Only twenty twenty one, you won't eat meat. Will you go back to eating meat in twenty twenty two? Or are you expecting this is like the start of your vegetarian lifestyle from now on? Great question. I'm going to evaluate that later in the year. Like it's been going pretty smoothly for me. But, you know, we're at we're basically the end of January.

I think this is the first episode that comes out in February. So the you know, I don't want to jump to any conclusions just yet. I do think that I I'd already been eating less meat just in general, just as kind of like both a lifestyle and an environmentally conscious decision. And I think this will this will even if I go back to eating some meat and some fish, this will this is going to be something of a permanent change for me, where my consumption will be much less and I'm just used to having less of it. But I honestly don't know this could end with me going full carnivore.

This could end with me going full vegan. We're just going to see we're going to find out. Very exciting. Yeah, very exciting, especially when it comes to eating from fast food chains, because I mean, now I think they are making better strides at like offering vegan or vegetarian options. But like, do all of them offer that? It's just very interesting to. Well, that brings us to this week's chain, Panda Express,

which up until 2019, Panda Express actually had a warning on their website that they had no vegetarian menu items. It's only very recently that when they've gone through and they've just like, you know, because I think probably even their even like their fried rice had like, you know, chicken stock or something in it. It was just like everything had was touched by some amount of meat, or at least had the was was close enough to like, like, like was being prepared next to meat and the point where they were like,

well, this might not actually be vegetarian. We want to cover our asses. But they they now have a number of vegetarian and vegan options. Panda Express opened in 1983. It was it's owned by the Churng family, still owned and operated by the Churng family. The original was Panda Inn, which opened in 1973. That was more of a sit down restaurant. And they opened the takeout version.

Is that a new branding? That's what took off. Yeah, it's in Pasadena. The original Panda Inn is in Pasadena. The original Panda Express is in Glendale. And there are over 2000 restaurants, the largest American Chinese restaurant chain. Oscar, you mentioned a couple of chains. What is your Panda Express take? Or what was it going into this episode?

Oh, my God, well, I love Panda Express. Another restaurant that I had no idea about when I moved to LA, because there was no Panda Express in New York. So also, here's the thing, I miss two things from New York. Number one, bagels, good bagels. Number two, shitty, shitty corner Chinese restaurants. Like, I still yearn to have like these shitty, little Chinese food restaurants.

I miss them so much. I love them so much. Happy Family and Green Point, Brooklyn, I love you. So coming to LA and not being satisfied with Chinese food restaurants, I was like, oh, this Panda Express, what is this? I had it and I was hooked from their orange chicken. And, you know, I was forever hooked. Also, I performed a lot at Upright Citizens Brigade on Sunset,

and there is a Panda Express so close to UCD. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And I would always eat there after a show or before a show or after I taught classes. So it was like my second home. A kind of UCB Sunset. I mean, look, RIP, RIP to UCB Sunset. But it had some bad luck in that.

There was a target across the street that was supposed to be done and just never, it was just a husk for a very, very long time. It was never finished. And now they've just finally finished it just recently. But the neighborhood was fighting it off. It's a complicated thing on a lot of different levels. Like, I've heard both sides of it. And I honestly don't even know which side is better

because like small businesses were upset about it. But then other people, then I've heard other small businesses were like, no, we want to have like people coming around the area more. It was it was a completely complicated thing that I really don't know what side worked. But because of that, there was just this big fucking empty husk. And there was no real. I mean, the only real place to eat around UCB Sunset is right.

You're right. Is there that little that strip or the McDonald's across McDonald's across the street. And then there's an El Pollo loco to the left. But I feel like Panda is maybe one of your better options. I love McDonald's, but like like I could see myself eating Panda more on on on like a weekly basis or something like that. Just going like mixed luck with that specific McDonald's, I will say. Like it's just that was a really weird.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But so so I got to ask one question, please, because Oscar brought up Wendy's. I do got to know what what what's your go to at Wendy's. Oh, well, you know, I got to get me a baconator. Obviously, the fries. Wendy's fries are nobody talks about the Wendy's fries. And I have to say they're fucking good. They slap. They are good.

And they were my they were my favorite. I they at when they when the potato skins potato skin came back on them. I they lost a little bit for me. I love the old golden yellow crispy Wendy's fries with no potato skin on them at all. That's what I want back. And they were like they had the fattest fries, but they were still fucking crispy and delicious.

So good. And I'm and I'm and I think that I agree with you. I think that they are good, but I do think that they they have. I think that an issue with them recently, because of those like potato skins, is that they're not as crispy as they used to be. Right. Christmas, crispiness with the fries. That's one of the number one things. That's why good, fresh, hot McDonald's fries are some of the best

because they're fucking crispy. You just you snap into those things. Why do you think McDonald's fries are the best fries, though? As far as fast food fries, Nick and I, I think, are on the same page here. We're I think so. They're they're they're their own. They're McDonald's fries, but they are like if I could have one fast food fry. I think I like them enough where they would that would be my pick.

I do think Burger King's fries are pretty good. You know, we talked a lot on this podcast. Burger King is back. BK is back. And officially, it's back. Yeah, it's back. We should say that we bought gift certificates for some. We bought gift cards to BK. Oh, yeah. Look, that's not the only gift we gave people at the holidays.

But we also we also and this was Nick's. Nick said, hey, I'm going to give a BK gift cards to people. And I said, that sounds great. And then Sus Sus texted Weigher and I the other day and said, I just went to Burger King with my Burger King gift card that you guys gave me at the holidays and I was denied. Did you know how embarrassing it is to be denied with a gift card at Burger King? Well, they were they they told Sus or they were like, sir,

there's only five hundred dollars on this card. He walked in and was like, I'd like to buy your establishment, please. Yeah, that was that's embarrassing. And anyone else who got a Burger King gift card from us? Sorry. We'll fix it. Is it because like it expired really quickly? Like, what was what was I just not put the cash on it or accidentally or something? I bought them at Walgreens and I thought I thought they all got activated.

But, you know, maybe they just scanned them wrong or something. I don't know. I certainly we got charged for them. So damn, yeah, it's a bummer. So you all brought BK back then. Well, yeah, we're doing our part. You're the ones responsible. OK, got it. Got it. So, Nick, I'm assuming just like the Denny's order, which what's the

status of the Denny's order that you ordered and it was closed and you just didn't care. I called him back. Oh, did you did you get a refund? You didn't, you piece of shit. So I'm assuming just like that with the fucking Burger King shit. Yeah, you'll be on top of it, right? I'll take care of it. Fucking asshole.

So. You mentioned the the Chinese food in LA. Your voice is trembling now, huh? I'm changing topics. That's right. You're a little fucking asshole that doesn't doesn't care. You're fucking what's his name? Pennies were money, money bags.

Who's the guy from Monopoly? Rich Uncle Penny bags. Yeah, you're fucking Rich Uncle Penny bags. I don't like that we that the that Denny's charged us and I did not pick up the food. However, I am too scared to call them and get it fixed. You don't have to call. Yeah, I do. Fucking email.

How am I going to get it rectified? I hate it when my parents fight. So you mentioned the the Chinese food in LA, which it's it's an interesting thing. You'll hear from a lot of people in the a lot of East Coast expats who end up here because I know a lot of people who like really into more authentic Chinese food will say like the Chinese food in LA is actually great. You go to Monterey Park, you go to Alhambra.

That's exactly where. But yeah, but it's not the Chinese food. It's not the American Chinese food that is like so common on the East Coast and is a different like, you know, a valid form of food that that a lot of people have a nostalgia for. And what exactly? Yes. Yeah, listen, let me be absolutely clear when I say I don't particularly care

for authentic Chinese cuisine. I'm talking about the shitty, Americanized, right? Sugar filled, disgusting Chinese food that exists in New York. You know, I'm talking about the five dollar order of like eight chicken wings. It's like that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the dinner combination for eight dollars that has your sesame chicken that's just disgusting. You will have a heart attack after you eat just one with the fried rice and then

egg roll on the side for just eight dollars. That's the kind of food I miss. Oscar, I try to say this to Nick, but I mean, look, West Coast has amazing Chinese food too. It's just different. Yeah, East Coast Chinese food is it's it is its own wonderful thing. And to me, so often I think of it as like more of the poo poo bladder stuff that they do so well. Like that is that's like the stuff that you like the chicken fingers, the crab

brand goon, the beef teriyaki, which I know beef teriyaki is traditionally Japanese, right? They don't give a shit. Yeah, they don't. Yeah, it's at every Chinese fried chicken. That's not Chinese. We'll put it in there. You know what I mean?

Yeah, for me, the poo poo bladder of crab brand goon, beef teriyaki, chicken fingers, chicken wings, spare ribs and egg rolls. That is like, yes, that's the and it's so good and it all comes in one giant fucking container and you can't love it. You can't you can't hit that in LA like you can on the East Coast. It's truly does not exist. Yeah, some people are like, oh, the closest is a place called Genghis Cohen in West Hollywood, I believe.

Yeah, and the place is nice. Don't get me wrong, but it's fucking expensive as hell. I'm talking about eight dollar dinner combination. You know what I mean? Like I'm getting fed I'm getting fed three times for eight dollars. You know, so like that's what I'm talking about and they don't have that in LA, but Panda Express, on the other hand, is the closest approximation to the shitty New York Chinese food that I love so much.

And Panda Express kind of kind of fills that void. You're right. And certainly from a value standpoint, I mean, you can get a lot of food, especially, you know, the if you're feeding a family, you can just get a ton of food for a reasonable amount of money from Panda Express. And it's all going to taste pretty fucking good because they just load up the salt and the sugar and the seasonings, you know. Mitcha, Panda Express, I mean, we're both fans.

We I can't remember what we gave it the last time we visited it, but I like Panda Express quite a bit. Panda, I was a skeptic of Panda Express way back in the day because I was like because before I even tried it, I should say, like I was just like, oh, a fast food Chinese place. Like it was kind of in the world of like LA is weird. And why does this have to exist? And I thought of it more as like an LA chain, really, right, which it is.

I mean, it did start it started over there. But but I I was like, oh, you know, you like I don't want like a McDonald's version of Chinese food. And I just kind of in my mind thought it would be lower quality food. And then a few people that that we hang around with like swore by it. And then I just eventually, just because like always in LA, when you have to like when you're working on something, you have to go and get lunch. I ended up there and had the orange chicken and was like, oh, this is good.

This is like this is a good version. Like it's it's not it doesn't it doesn't taste like it's confusing because like it is over fried and it is like very syrupy orange chicken. But it doesn't it doesn't taste like that shitty low quality version. Like I thought it would like it is still shitty in many ways. But a good shitty. It's like it's like it's like it's like it is it is kind of like when we talk about Taco Bell and I love Taco Bell.

It's I'd say it's up there, right, as far as for Chinese food. It's like it's like when you want Taco Bell, you want Taco Bell, you know, you don't necessarily want Panda Express. You want Panda Express. You want the same thing. Yeah, you're not looking for Mexican food. You're looking for Taco Bell. I'm not looking for Chinese food.

I'm looking for Panda Express. Yeah, yeah. And then the combos are I mean, just the fact that like, oh, I can get a combo plate and get some Lomain and some fried rice and yeah, three different entrees and like not have to have a ton left over. I just get a plate of that and it's still fucking huge and filling. But it's like the proportions are just right. Like that that rules.

And like for so long with with with Chinese food, you have to do it in the way of like, well, I got this container and now I like ate some of it and have a ton left over and then I had to buy like another huge thing. And then I have a ton left over that and it's cost a lot more money. And that's and that's why I like the Chipotle style of it works great. Yeah, I think and I think this ends up being a workplace lunch, not just for people with office jobs, but I think it's like a blue collar job, you know, service job lunch, because it's a lot of food.

It's super filling and it's not too expensive. I and you mentioned the the the the chow mein, which is now vegan. Oh, sorry, chow mein. Oh, no way. Yeah, they've made the chow mein is now is now vegan, which is stir fried wheat noodles with onion, celery and cabbage. And they have a new offering or a newer offering. Yes. It's very funny because the chow mein was bad last night, but go on. I I liked mine.

Maybe I got a bad batch. I mean, this that's we'll talk about that too, because that's also possible. But what are you saying that the chow mein is there is the most batch contingent. The rice is pretty consistent. You will just get some bad chow mein sometimes. If it's been sitting in that steam tray for too long. But but I got the plate, which is a side plus two entrees. This the side I got was half chow mein and then half super greens,

which is actually a pretty decent, healthy option they have there. It's broccoli, kale and cabbage that's, you know, I think with with a little bit of garlic, it's got a little bit of seasoning, but it's pretty plain and that you can do like half greens, half, half, you know, starch, I think is like a nice way to sort of mitigate the damage you're going to be doing to your body from this place. Unfortunately, from a vegetarian standpoint for your entrees, they only have one vegetarian entree right now.

Thankfully is vegan, but it is their eggplant tofu. Which is lightly brown tofu, eggplant and red bell peppers tossed in a sweet and spicy sauce. There is a lot of eggplant in this and they are big chunks of eggplant. And so if you're vegetarian and you're not eating and you're not pescatarian, like you're not eating fish because they do have a lot of shrimp options. You better like eggplant and you better be able to handle spicy. And and thankfully I I like eggplant and I do like spicy.

I'm something of a heat seeker. So I was I like this quite a bit. I thought this combo of the eggplant tofu, the supergreens of the chow mein was just like a dynamite lunch. I just like I just love this whole plate that I was having. I thought everything was just like it felt like I was just eating satisfying trash, just minus the meat, which is exactly what I wanted. So I thought this was this is a great vegetarian option.

Given that given that qualifier, given that you you better be OK with eggplant, which I think some people maybe texture wise, it's a turnoff. And obviously some people can't handle spice at all. Mitch, what did you get for your Panda Express? Well, wise, after I just said that it's like fun to get plates and you can customize them and then you can get whatever you want. My mom and I went over we went to Dedum and we I was actually looking for a tank top for an audition

because I don't have a tank top. I guess a tank top is the wrong word. Is that a tank? Right? Or like a tank? Yeah. Like you want to show off the guns? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Don't sell yourself short. You got some shoulders. We you got some you got some arms.

It was required to wear a tank top. But I we went we went to we were in Dedum and that's where we picked up. We went to DXL, got some plus size tank tops. And then we went over to Panda Express. And my mom has never had it before. Now, Quincy Quincy has a very has a very large Chinese population. And for a long time, there was a lot of great Chinese food in Quincy. And the quality has sadly dipped in and which doesn't really make much sense.

I mean, like there there's a larger Asian community than there's ever been. And there's there's now different, you know, not just Chinese food. There's there's different style of styles of Asian food. But it's tough to get great Chinese food in the city now where that was just a given for a very long time. And so I was wondering how she'd feel about this. And we went we went kind of like meal style. We got a family meal and we got the chow mein and fried rice as our two sides.

And then we also got orange chicken, Beijing beef, which is is is one of my faves. And then the is it the honey walnut shrimp? I because I can't see it on the look it up. That's right. Yeah, it is because I got that too. So honey walnut shrimp. OK, honey walnut shrimp. Then we also got a small honey, sesame chicken, honey, sesame chicken breast. And then we also got a small grilled teriyaki chicken just to try it.

We also got a large thing of white rice. We got some chicken egg rolls small, which came with two. And we got some cream cheese rangoons, which it doesn't say crab. So I'm thinking that there's no crab in them. No, it's just cream cheese. Right. And then I like we're not going to lie to you. Yeah, that's what it is. We're not even going to attempt this shit.

This is just fucking cream cheese. Then I got myself a large diet coke, Nick. We got some napkins and utensils, chili sauce, soy sauce, hut, musk, ma, hut, ma, hot mustard and plum sauce. And so this was this was a huge feast, a smorgasbord. But it was funny to get like, I think just getting a plate at Pan Express is the best way to do it. So it was funny to kind of get like, oh, this is what we usually do

when we get Chinese food as a family. Right. And having all these options and eating it out of this container. When I got there, everything was ready except for the Beijing beef. They were making that in the walk, which Nick does make me. It is crazy to me that you can get vegan and vegetarian food because there's only so much space with those walks and people are, you know, they're just cooking next to each other. So I would guess if you're a stickler, if you're like,

I don't want this to be in the same, you know, the same pan as that meat has been in. I would guess that this probably, especially based on locations that some locations are perhaps, you know, the things are not completely uncontaminated, I would guess that there's probably some traces of meat juice in whatever vegetarian dishes you're getting. But if for the spirit of trying to eat vegetarian, I think you can do decently here.

But yeah, it's not like they have like a little, you know, like you if you look up on sites on how to there's there's a bunch of these sites that are how to eat vegetarian or vegan at fast food and chain restaurants. And they you can follow their guidance. But the Panda Express site or app isn't going to say like it's not. It doesn't have like a little vegetarian, you know, green leaf next to its vegetarian options or anything. You kind of have to use your own judgment.

Yeah, I. I didn't get anything vegan or vegetarian. OK, I guess I guess I guess I did with the Chow mein, but that was just the white rice and the white rice, the cream cheese, Rangoon. I guess so. I guess the cream cheese, Rangoon, too. Here's here's my issue. Mm hmm. The nice woman who's taking care of my order.

I say, thank you very much. I go to hand her a tip in cash. And she says we can't take tips. And I was like, yeah. And I was like, what really? She's like, no, we can't. And then like. She like also like then like walked me over to my food afterwards.

And I like very slyly tried to like be like, here you go. It's and she was like, no, though, I like I can't do it. And I was like, oh, now I feel like an asshole. I'm like, I don't mean to be pushing this on you. But I but I was I was I was I was shocked that you during the pandemic, these people can't fucking take a tip. It's stupid. That's a bummer.

I mean, it's I've encountered that because, you know, I'll try to hand cash tips off at a lot of these places and like it mostly places will take it. But in and out burger, they've been very stringent about like, no, we can't accept tips. We're not allowed to at one McDonald's. They were like very like it seemed like maybe the franchise owner had said no tips. They were very like, you know, strongly hand waved it away. But that's that's curious about Panda Express.

They had a contactless pickup at my location. So it was just like I just grabbed it. But I'm I'm I'm wondering if that's like coming down from corporate or or that particular. I mean, it's all family owned. So it's not like a particular franchise owner is going to be maybe just a just an overly vigilant manager. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, whatever it was, I felt I felt bad and and what can I do? It's really strange.

Yeah, they do a lot. They have like a little I assumed was a tip jar or like a case or whatever. But it's money you can leave to donate to the Children's Hospital. They they're like very they partner with a bunch of charities and stuff. So but it's weird that they don't tip their employees. That's weird. That's a bummer for me when there's like what looks like the tip jar,

but it's actually the donation jar. Yeah, and also a lot of these places when you check out now, particularly at grocery stores, I find like they'll be like, do you want to round up to donate to the to our charity? And I just like this is this is you're taking my money and then making it your donation so you can take a tax write off. And like this is like I fucking I kind of hate this practice. And I if you're going to have this, just let me tip your employee on the machine.

You know, it's funny because it's like that's so normalized now. It's like everywhere you go. It's like, would you like to round up for blah, blah, blah? Yeah. Yeah. The fucking Chipotle app is always bugging me to give to their fucking farm to table charities like you give to your farm to table charity. I don't want any of my 80 cents. So yeah, I mean, that practice I think is is kind of annoying.

And like you were saying, it's everywhere. But bitch, let's let's talk about your food. What were the hits? What were the misses? Well, Nick, you know that the orange chicken is always a hit. It's a fucking home run. It is. They I mean, like they've perfected the fast food orange chicken, right? Like, I mean, like that I like.

It's look, it's is it the best orange chicken you'll ever have? No, probably not. It's like very fried. It's like a, you know, sweet, very much glazed over. The nuggets are chicken or like thick in that they're fried so much. It like it seems like fake food in many ways. Sure. But it's fucking fantastic. It works really well.

I think that just the way that it's like breaded and coated so much, it does keep it warmer longer, which is a thing of like I was saying, with with Panda Express, like you got to you want that hot, fresh batch of stuff and and and and if you get the fresh hot batch of orange chicken, you're you're in the money. There's there. Oh, yeah, that's pretty. That to me is great. I got the the honey walnut shrimp.

I thought my mom would like this one. I like it a lot of the time. It's an upcharge. It's kind of like the one that they think is like they're they think it's more expensive, whether it's the shrimp or the walnuts. But the quality of the shrimp is not great. My mom kind of didn't like she thought it tasted too shrimpy. She was like, I don't like the I don't like the shrimp,

but I think the quality is not great. And I thought it was OK. But she was right that it was tasting kind of shrimpy that night that we like a little too seafoody like you get you get what you get what you're saying. I'm just remembering there was a time when we reviewed Red Lobster and you said that they Red Lobster should be renamed Pink Shrimpies. What was what was that? We got Little Pink Shrimpies.

I think Red Lobster is a better brand name. I'm glad they didn't take your advice. I think I think that little it should have been Pink Shrimpies. And you know what? Panda Express could become Orange Nuggets. I guess that bad branding or Orange Nuggets. If you call the Orange Nuggets, I think that's kind of fun. That sounds like a like a casino or something.

Yeah, it's not the Golden Nugget. It's the Nuggets. No strip. You know, it's fucking it's a Trump casino. Oh, my God. Oh, makes me sick. I I love the orange chicken. I thought it was great.

But the number one was the one that was prepared right when I got there, the one that we were waiting on, which was the Beijing beef. This is what's in that. I've never had the Beijing beef. It's this it is it is it is it has moved up to like the top of one of my favorite things at Panda Express. I'll I'll tell you what it is right now. It is the Beijing beef is.

Oh, well, you know what? I'm not going to tell you. I thought there would be some fucking item description. There's not. I use the app. I use the app to order everything here. It's it's crispy beef, bell peppers and onions in a sweet tangy sauce. So it's basically the same.

I you know what, Mitch? I bet this is the same seasoning as the eggplant. Tofu, yeah, just with beef instead of tofu and eggplant. It's I think it's really fantastic. The Beijing beef that in the orange chicken, those were the two home runs. My mom thought that the the the shrimp was a little too strippy, the pink shrimpies. We both thought the grilled teriyaki chicken was a thumbs down. That was a bummer.

Oh, interesting, too dry or it just it just like the meat kind of felt like kind of like a little jiggly. It was like, yeah, it just it just it just wasn't great quality. I mean, like, I know this is like one of the more healthy items on the menu, but it just was it just wasn't doing it for us. Like it was code there for that. It's not what they do. It was coded in like this sauce that we didn't like the the teriyaki coating

wasn't great. There was like a lot of issues that we just weren't we weren't liking it. Again, like I said, I wish that there was a better version of the of the shrimp, but then I'm also wondering like is it just a lower quality of shrimp that does taste shrimpy and that's why my mom didn't like it? Or is it a thing that's like we got a bad batch? Because again, you get a bad batch there every so often.

Yeah. And and I got some honey, sesame chicken breast, the small one of those. That was almost a bad batch. You still got the the taste about it, but it was just a little bit colder. You know, like it's a small there's a bit of a travel. So I think with all I think with all these things. Again, the timing is big. And then if you toss it in the microwave, it can do you. It can do you some favors.

Usually I'm kind of nervous to toss some fast food stuff in the microwave. But Penn Express, the orange chicken, it he looked great. The chow mein was was not good. The chow mein was the chow mein was a bomber that night. The fried the fried rice was pretty good. The white rice was a little dry. Why? Because that was an issue. Yeah, that can happen.

But the the. The chicken egg rolls were great. That was one of my mom's favorite things. She loved it. And I like the chicken egg rolls anyways. And the cream cheese cream cheese rangoons were good too. But they both needed like 15 seconds of the microwave, and then they were much better. Diet Coke was good. Gigantic, a large Diet Coke at Penn Express is fucking huge.

What we do like 32 ounces at least 32 ounces is a big. It's fucking big. It's it's it's it's it's too big of a drink. And you know what, Nick, I got a nice little fortune as well. That was a was a pretty nice fortune. Well, you know what, we've got I got a fortune as well. We'll get we'll get our fortunes. We'll do a little tease here.

We'll get all fortunes. We'll get Oscars food and we'll get our fork scores. We'll be right back. Well, Nick, with more. Yeah. OK. No, what? I was just about to toss what we're going to say. I was going to say the fortune cookie tasted good, too. We'll be back with more dough, boys. Welcome back to Doughboys, the number one covid denying podcast.

Nick. Oh, no. Number one. We're at the top. It's a category in the iTunes store. I want to do the back from break thing for once. I mean, that seemed like sabotage. We're we're not the number one covid denying podcast, but we'll get there.

But right now we're talking Panda Express with our guest. No, no, you did not either. You shall not continue covid. You should not continue your evil streak. How dare you covid leave us alone covid. Man, multiple strains, mutant strains seems bad. Seems like the year is going to be bad stuff. It's bad.

Well, we'll see. I mean, right as of this record, all anyone can talk about is GameStop stock. So who fucking knows what next week will look like. And AMC. Yeah, it's such an it's such an unpredictable dystopia. Just every week, it's just some new fucking twist. Like, all right, sure, why not?

But Oscar, let's let's talk about your Panda Express. What did you get in this most recent visit? So I got, I decided to try stuff I haven't had before. I usually get the same thing all the time, which is the I used to get brown rice with orange chicken and then an egg roll. And that's my staple. I get that usually every time.

And this time I was like, I'm going to try something different. I decided to get the mix of the fried rice and the greens, the power greens are called super greens. Yeah, super greens, the super greens. And I got the honey sesame chicken, which I've never had before. And then the beef and broccoli, which I would get on occasion because I'm a big beef

and broccoli kind of guy. And also in my brain, I'm like, I should have a vegetable. I'm going to pair it with beef. So I got beef and broccoli, and then I got a chicken egg roll, which I've never had before. And I got to say it's the standout for me. The egg roll.

Was that chicken egg roll was such a treat. It was so fun. You are my mom. You both love the chicken egg roll. I'm telling you, yeah, your mom is correct. It was like a fun surprise. It looked weird. It was like thinner than the egg roll that I'm used to, you know?

It looks sort of like a flute, like a flauta a little bit. And so I was a little sus about it. I was like, I don't know if this is, what is this? And it was paired with this, I would assume it was like a sweet and sour dipping sauce. It's just sweet is what it was. It's basically red.

So this is the, I like that. I really liked that dipping sauce. And when I was there at the restaurant last night, I was kind of like, is there like a sweet and sour dipping sauce that was helping me out? The same woman who didn't want to take the tip was like, oh yeah, I put plum sauce,

which is in the packets in your bag. But Nick, I wanted that red sweet and sour dipping sauce. And I don't know if there was any. I didn't get it. They gave me like three of them. This is basically in the plastic container, right? Yeah. Yeah.

They gave me, because I got the veggie spring roll and I got the cream cheese rangoon. And they gave me three of those little cups of the red sauce. It is extremely sweet. And it's kind of like melted Jolly Rancher, like in terms of sweetness and syrupy texture, because it is very goopy. But I like that.

I mean, it's disgusting and it's completely unhealthy, but I think it's good as hell. Oh, it's so good. It's so good. And when you pair it with the chicken egg roll, it's just like truly a deadly combination, because it will kill you. But also, you'll feel good about it.

So I think to me, that was the standout. The sesame chicken, I thought was going to be a hit and it really was kind of disappointing. It didn't taste bad per se, but I think the expectation of it to deliver in the same way that an orange chicken always delivers was a little, I was a little disappointed. I was a little disappointed.

That's the issue with the, it's the issue with the honey sesame chicken is that you're just not getting the orange chicken. It's like, it's like a, it's like a version of it that's just not as good. And you're like, well, why do I want this when there is a better? I know.

It's just, there's no reason for it. Yeah, it's sort of like you're dating someone who's amazing and then you break up with them because you're like, well, this person, this other person is sort of into me and they kind of look good, but then like their breath stinks and you're just like, oh man, why couldn't I just be with the person I was dating before?

God. You know, that's how it felt like to eat the, and you know, and again, I have to blame my New York sensibility because like sesame chicken is what I always got when I was in New York. Sesame chicken is like number one in greasy, disgusting Chinese food.

And so when I was like, oh, the sesame chicken, it must taste just like the New York sesame chicken, which in my opinion tastes better than the orange chicken at Panda Express. No, no, it was not. It was fallacies, lies, false advertising. It just was not the same. Oscar, also what you said,

every girl who goes on a date with me must be thinking what you just said, by the way. This guy's breath is stinky. Why did I break up with my ex-boyfriend? I think he's been sucking a dog's dick. Ma'am, I will tell you now, a dog's dick does not smell. Ma'am.

But yeah, yeah, it just was a little, yeah, then I felt myself being kind of disappointed that I didn't order the orange chickens because I felt myself being like, man, I should have just gotten the orange chicken. But you know, I wanted to experiment, try something new. The beef and broccoli was great

except this is where batch factor comes into play. This is where, and you know, I usually order Panda Express there, but I had delivery send it to me. So I had no say in terms of portion or content of the things that I was getting because it has served in a big plate and people just kind of scoop it onto your plate.

The ratio of beef to broccoli was to say the least embarrassing for Panda Express. That was like broccoli with some beef surprise. That I would rename that. And also when I got the power, because I got power greens, but the only greens that were there was like green bean, like the string cheese,

string cheese, oh my God, the string. This is how I often, like I don't eat vegetables ever. So like green beans, is that what they're called? String beans? Are they the same thing? Yeah, they're the same thing pretty much. So that and then some lettuce maybe, cabbage? I don't know what that was,

but mostly broccoli was in the power greens. And then to pair it off with the abundance of broccoli that I got in my beef and broccoli, it was mostly broccoli that I was eating. Not that I was complaining because broccoli is probably my favorite of the vegetables. But I wanted to eat beef. And there was like maybe three pieces of beef

in that beef and broccoli. The three pieces were great, but like not great. If I saw that, I would have been like, in person, I would have been like, hey, you got to put some more beef in this beef and broccoli. What are you doing? But I think they took advantage of the fact that I was in there to be like,

let's just broccoli load this guy's plate. And so I felt like it was a nasty prank. It's broccoli this guy. Exactly, yeah. And I got got, I got got by Pan Express. Oscar, by the way, I just want to quickly say that batch factor sounds like a really bad fear factor spin-off. Still hosted by Joe Rogan, of course.

Maybe, maybe he'd give that the stand-hope. It would be a stand-hope. There you go. The guy needs a break. He needs something. Yeah, so, yeah, it was a little like, the fried rice was good, was very good. And yeah, overall, is there anything that I forgot to talk about?

No, I think that was it. Did you have a fortune cookie? I did have a fortune cookie. The fortune cookies are good, but I'm not eating a fortune cookie to eat the cookie. You know what I mean? I want to rip it. But here's the thing,

I don't know if you have friends that do this or if you do this, but there are a lot of people that I know that will tear open a fortune cookie and not eat the cookie. That's fucked up. And to me, that is disrespectful. In my mind, this, I have a,

I have a rule to follow. I was going to say, I agree in general, but my circumstances were such. You piece of shit. Hold on, hold on. Here's what happened. I opened, so I opened my fortune. You know I'm a clumsy man.

I spill a lot. I opened my fortune cookie with probably too much force and the cookie flew out of my hand. Jesus. And into the sink. And in, not just into the sink, but into the dirty dishes in the sink. And I was like, okay, this is just empty calories.

I'm not going to rinse this off and have this like soapy, old pasta sauce, remnants fortune cookie. I'm not, I'll just retrieve the fortune. And so I just had the fortune and then I discarded the cookie. And then it was almost circumstances.

I would eat the cookie. Then I stuck my hand down the drain and my hand got caught. And then I got stuck. And my hand got caught. And then I kind of got horny. So I started jacking off and then Natalie caught me.

And I swear to God, that's what happened. You were filling up the sink and jacking off and you got caught by Natalie. Here is my fortune. Your next act of kindness will reveal a new friendship. Jesus. It's nice and optimistic.

So there we go. Okay. So I might be making a new friend. I mean, I don't think it's come true yet, but I also have not done an act of kindness. So whenever that happens, I'll be sitting pretty. Mitch, what was your fortune?

I'm excited for Weiger's first friend that he ever makes. I'm still working on you song. Someday you song will come around. He doesn't like you. I'm going to say this again. The fortune cookies are good because you can get a bad fortune cookie.

They're pretty good. They're not bad. They got a nice sweetness to them. They're usually pretty good. My fortune was this. And this is the way I do my fortunes. I break the cookie into, I eat one half of the cookie,

and then I read the fortune and then eat the other half of the cookie. And to me, it's a pro move. That's the only way the fortune comes true. If not, if you- I love that. If you don't eat the cookie, you're angering the great genie.

You're angering Jafar. You're getting these genies mad at you, wigs. So you think fortunes are connected to wishes? That's why you're kind of like- Got it. It's kind of a genie situation. Anyways, my- You're angering the stone.

Wait a second. Jafar got out of being a genie. Have you not seen Aladdin 2? Oh, shit. He got out of it. You're still just angering Jafar. You're angering Pedro Pascal's character in Wonder Woman 1984.

Oh, my God. Max gold, right? Max gold. My genie's fortune is you will obtain your goal if you maintain your course, Panda Express. Pretty nice fortune.

There you go. Seems logical. Yeah. Oscar, how about you? Yeah, I had the fortune cookie and, you know, I'll be honest, I didn't save it. I threw it away because it was one of those empty things of like,

family's gonna keep you close. I'm like, I don't talk to my family. I don't know what the fuck this is. And I threw it away. But I, yeah, I'm like very particular when it comes to the fortune cookies. Fortune, because I've had some really, really great specific ones that I love so much.

My favorite one was you will be by a river near mountains, like literally a true fortune because it predicted the future. Have I been? No, I've never been in any river near any mountain. I don't like hiking or camping, but it was nice that they, you know, but I'm still alive and that could still happen

one of these days. So I think it was like generic sort of like, yeah, happiness is where the heart is like, sort of like, I don't, give me a fortune. Give me a fortune. Yes. Well, hey. Give me a fortune.

The way the country's going, it's gonna go from fortune cookies to four chain cookies. Am I right, Nick? That's right. You say four chain cookies? Four chain. He was trying to say four,

he was trying to say four chain, he said four chain. It's four chain. Were you thinking of two chains? Oh, it's, what, what is it? It's four what? It's four chain. Oh, it is four chain?

No, it's not four chain. It's four chain. There's, there's a wrapper called two chains. There's two chains. Wait, four. And then there's four chain. Four chain is, is the bad posting style, right? Yes.

Yes. So let me take it again. Okay. The way this country's going, we're, oh fuck, hold on. Let me set it up again. Man, the way this country's going, we're gonna go from fortune cookies

to four chain cookies. Wow, Mitch. That's great. That's terrific stuff. I'm going to open up a cookie and it's going to say the Donald rules. That's cause you're eating at orange nuggets. Nick, it was a good joke.

It was a good joke. A lot of issues with the joke, but it was good. Yeah. Yeah, it was good. Um, I mean, I like the, uh, the ball of a murder horn, it's better, but that one was pretty good.

We should get to our final thoughts on Panda Express. Uh-huh. Uh, so we'll each go around, Oscar, give our, our summation of our thoughts on this, this chain based off of all our past eating experiences, including this one and end by giving it a fork score from zero to five forks. We begin with our guest.

Who is you? Yeah. Let's, Panda Express is, uh, truly my, my second home. I actually, now it's third cause my home is actually my second home now. Um, but I, I'm a big fan of Panda Express. Uh, the food is great.

The food that I'm familiar with is great. So if you start to like, you know, try to experiment, I, it's, it's a hit or miss and be very okay with being disappointed because that will happen, you know, find your faves and stick to your faves. This is not, Panda Express is not a place to experiment or be daring or try new things, right?

It's a place where you just do, I mean, I feel like that's true in every fast food restaurant. You go to your faves and just stick with it. Um, orange chicken always get the orange chicken, build your plate around the orange chicken and you won't be disappointed. Uh, yeah, I love it. Uh, besides the batch factor component to Panda Express,

my other big complaint of it is the lack of, a slap in mascot. You know what I mean? You got the panda in the Panda Express, but like, what's his name? What's her name? What's their name? I don't know anything about this panda.

Like really, like let's have, why can't we build a mythology around our mascot a little bit more, right? Give us a jolly bee. Yes, give us a jolly bee bee. Give us the, uh, you know, Wendy, Wendy girl, right? The Burger King, you know? Yeah.

Ronald McDonald, you know, your Panda Express, you got to catch up with the big dogs, you know? Yeah. Uh, you got a lot of work to do. Let's, let's figure out this panda storyline and, and then, uh, yeah, and then you're off, then you're, you got it. Um, so out of five forks, I give this, uh, I give this,

uh, you know, I'll be fair, I'll be real. I'm gonna give this three and a half forks. Wow. Three and a half forks. Very good score. Three and a half forks. Yeah. All right.

Mr. Slice, go ahead. This is tricky because, yeah, I mean, Panda Express is really good at what it's trying to, when we talk about that on the show, what they're trying to do, they do, they do a good job. They do a good job of what they're trying to be, which is, is sit down fast food version of, of, of Chinese food and the menu's not huge.

Like a lot of Chinese food restaurants. There's, there's a limit. There, there's not like a ton of items on the menu, which is good. There's, there's limited options and they got some go-to stuff that they got the orange chicken, which I love. And now the Beijing beef I really like on the chicken egg rolls. Don't forget.

And the chicken egg rolls with Oscar and I and my mom's faves. My mom said that when she would, if she had to write the whole thing, she would write it a C, but which is exactly Oscar, what you gave at 3.5. But I asked her about the orange chicken. I said, what if you just had the orange chicken, the, the, and the Beijing beef and the chicken egg rolls. And she said, well, then I would give it a B.

And so Nick, that's the difference between golden plate club and non-golden plate club is, is, is the two is, it's between a B and a C, you know what I mean? That's, that's, that's what gets something into the, B is four out of five forks is a B in, in reality. If you're translating it to percentages and then translating that into letter grades, but mentally for me, I don't think of, we got into this a little bit on a previous episode.

I don't think of the fork scores as directly corresponding to a letter grade percentage wise. Like I don't think of a, of a two fork score is 40%, which would be like an F, F minus. It's very solid F. But to me, I don't think of a two fork experiences like that was an F. That was a complete failure. You know what I mean?

I just think of it a little bit differently. I think of it, I guess, like, is a, is a movie that gets three stars, like less than a C. I, it isn't to me. Hmm. I guess yes it is. But anyways. It is to you.

Okay. I mean, like, I hate it when my parents fight. Well, it's tricky for me because like, that is the question to me. Is this golden plate club? And for my mom to, to, like, I think for my mom, if she just got those items,

like I said, it would be golden plate club for her. Yeah. And that's the thing is like, you can just get a plate of fried rice and Beijing beef and orange chicken and get yourself a couple of chicken egg rolls. And you're golden. And that's,

and you know what you want, you get in there and you get it and you get out. And I think that that's when I get, when I get Panda Express, I'm just craving some orange chicken and some Beijing beef and maybe the walnuts shrimp occasionally and some chicken egg rolls and maybe some cream cheese, rangoons and that's, that's kind of it.

You know, that's, that's what I want. And the big plate of fucking chow mein and fried rice or white rice. So, Nick, I'm going to go four forks. I think I'm just going to go four forks. I think I got a, I just, I just think for what it's trying to do. And I think that it is, again,

it is the sort of thing of the batch factor. Sure. That's a huge part of this. The batch factor is a big part of it, but a big hearty lunch at Panda can be fun. Or if you want, if you're in the mood for Chinese food, but you don't want to deal with like a bunch of leftovers

or spend it a ton of money, then it really works. It works. Or if you're just in an area where there aren't a lot of good Chinese restaurants, which is a lot of the country, you know. But Nick, when we had it last night, we were like, you could do much, much worse

for Chinese food in Quincy now, sadly, than what we got at Panda Express. So it gets a four. It gets a four for me. It gets it. It wins. It's a good score. And both of your logic is sound.

I think we're going to end up as ballpark buds here because we're on the same general area. The item I didn't touch on was the veggie spring roll, which to me was the low point. It's a cabbage celery carrot, green onions and Chinese noodles and a crispy wonton wrapper. Now, what distinguishes a spring roll

from an egg roll generally from my understanding is what type of wrapper it is. And I think this was just the egg roll wrapper. Like this was just the same wrapper they're just calling it a spring roll. It didn't seem like a rice wrapper, which would generally be a spring roll. But that said,

whether that's whatever the case with that, maybe with that, I just think flavor wise, this had nothing going on. It was just kind of flavorless and just texture and the only thing you were getting out of it was that sweet sauce, which is syrupy and delicious. But if I was going to go that direction, unless I'm avoiding dairy,

I would rather have that cream cheese rangoon, which I just thought was much better, which just had a lot more flavor than the veggie spring roll. The chicken egg roll, you know, I haven't had recently, but I trust you guys that that one has a little bit more flavor to it. Thinking of this place, I think we're running what I'm going to run into here

mentally, Mitch, is the same thing with Popeyes, which is that thinking of it purely, although this is a much better vegetarian option than Popeyes, but it's thinking of this from a place where if you can go and get everything, I love Panda Express. I think it's great.

I don't think it's as good as Popeyes, but I think it absolutely is like a four fork tier restaurant. Again, what you were saying, it does what it's trying to do. That orange chicken, I mean, they have one signature item there that is delicious. That orange chicken is legitimately delicious.

I think if you're a vegetarian, it's a little bit tricky, and I don't know if I could go full four forks from that perspective. Nick, can I also just say that quickly? Yes. If you're in the mood to suck a dog's dick, also not a great place to go.

You got to go to Wingstop for that. I think I like the eggplant tofu myself. I think it's good. The chow mein I thought was good. The super greens is a good option. I think if you want something crispy, the cream cheese rangoon is a good

non-meat option. I think there are good things, but you have to like what they're offering. Again, if you're someone who can't handle tofu, you can't handle eggplant. I think what will put Panda Express over the top is especially they will get like a

beyond-orange chicken. They will get some version of that, or like some sort of beyond beef with broccoli or something. They will come up with some version of that that I think they'll probably do well and just load up with sauce. And I think when they do that,

it'll be at that next tier from a veggie standpoint. But in its current state, I think I'm going to split the difference between the two of you. I think I'm going to go three forks, or a golden plate club. And I mean, if I was having everything on the menu,

I might say I might go four plus. That's my take. It's good. I was very much thinking 3.752. I just... It won me over. It's that sort of thing of like if a restaurant only had the cheesy gordita trunche,

or if a restaurant only had the Big Mac, I'd probably be like, it's a restaurant. But... I'm with you. I think that orange chicken is the best thing it's got going. But that Beijing beef is up in its game, Nick.

And I think that it will continue to get better and continue to grow, honestly. The other thing, too, about Pan Express is that they keep adding new dishes on the menu. So like, yeah, I think in terms of like trying to experiment, trying to innovate, like it's there.

You know what I mean? It's starting to develop and totally 100% what you were saying, Nick, they will have a Beyond Meat or an impossible sort of meat alternative that's just going to they're going to evolve. You know what I mean? They're going to up their game.

But again, orange chicken will stay forever. Yeah, the orange chicken is king over there. That's been the thing. The protein I miss the most is just chicken in general. Like, I surprisingly... If not really, fish a little bit, but chicken is just like, man, I would love some wings.

I would love some fucking fried chicken. I would love some rotisserie chicken. I would love some orange chicken. I guess what I've sort of realized that chicken is like maybe my favorite meat. I would have thought it was something else before. But there we go.

I was going to say, Nick, the app is good, too. The app is good, yeah. The app works well, especially in COVID times. It's good to order it and get in there and get out. While you mentioned that, Mitch, this is something I meant to say.

We visited a bunch of chains during COVID and during lockdown, and they've all had different sorts of pick-up and drop-off and delivery procedures. For me, this is one of the best ones in terms of their drop-off system. They were only allowed one customer

in the restaurant at a time, period, at least at the location I went to. If you were ordering, you went into the counter, you ordered, you were very distance from where they were actually preparing food, then you went out of the restaurant, waited outside to pick up your food, and then the drop-off was contactless.

They would come over and they would put it on a table on the other side of the door, and then you would open the door and reach in and grab it. It seemed like they seemed to be taking a reasonable number of precautions that every place should be doing. I would put this right out there with Chili's and Cheesecake Factory in terms of the places

for retrieving food. Now Nick, are you sure that they weren't only doing that to you? All right. He's coming! Lock the door! That was our review of Panda Express. It's time for a segment. We must confess our food sins.

This is Concessional. So we'll each confess a quarantine specific food secret. I will go first. Here is mine. I was thinking through this.

Don't you have to do a confession when I say forgive me father for I have sinned? Okay. Father? Forgive me Godfather's pizza for I have sinned. Forgive me Papa John's. Forgive me Papa

I mean, what are we confessing to Papa John? I don't want to confess to Papa John. Forgive me Papa Shaq for I have sinned. That's good. Yeah, that's good. That's good. That qualifies for good on the show.

Man, imagine Shaq's height with a Pope hat on top. Oh man, that would be great. I hope that happens. I hope it's in Space Jam 2. Yeah, there you go. In Space Jam 2. Okay, forgive me Papa Shaq

for I have sinned. I was thinking through what are the things that I've done, what's like the grossest food thing I've done in quarantine where I've just been eating a lot of this. I was out of salad dressing and so I used

horseradish mustard. That sucks. What? It did not work. It did not work at all. What's the reasoning there? Please, give me a play by play of what your thought process was there.

Okay, I prepared my salad. It was there ready for me to consume and I was like I need some sort of thing with some dressing. I'm out of dressing. There was this horseradish mustard. I like horseradish mustard and I was like, you know what? If I was going to have a sandwich

with some lettuce on it I might put horseradish mustard on there. So I just kind of shot it all over my salad and it was fucking gross. It tasted really bad. It just did not work at all. Fucking shot it all over your salad.

Sorry for that image. Fuck. That's my that's my concessional that I had. I used horseradish mustard as salad dressing and it did not work at all. All right, Mitch.

My concessional, it's concessional. Concession, I guess? My concession. The segment is concessional so I guess what we are doing is a concession. Forgive me, Pupashak, for I have sinned. I mean, mine is not

nearly as gross as Weigar's. I've been actually pretty I've been a good little food boy in lockdown in the last few months. I've been, weigars, you know this. I've been making pizzas. I've been making bar pizzas. That's why you're Mr. Slice. I'm Mr. Slice. That's the reason I'm Mr. Slice now.

I've been making bagels. I made some bagels. I made them with Greek yogurt, which isn't really a concession because you're making bagels. That seems impossible. Let me picture something if your bagels take off. Not Mr. Slice,

but Mr. Hole. Think about it. Yes, I think that will cause no confusion. I'm going to try to make, so I made bagels with Greek yogurt and basically they tasted pretty good, but it made me just want to

make real New York style bagels. Oscar, the kind you probably miss. I got a bagel recipe. I got to get myself bread flour instead of just like all-purpose flour. There's like specific bread flour.

The other thing is you got to boil them. You got to put them in a boiling pot and then you bake them. I'm interested in trying them. I'm going to try it because Nick, I told you I made some pretty damn good bar pizza. I was shocked at how good it came out. I showed you pictures.

The shots you've been sending, and I'm saying this and I'm not saying this to insult you at all, but you're not someone who is like necessarily someone who's cooking a lot. This is like a thing you've gotten into recently, but the pictures you've sent of the bar pizzas are like, this looks fucking great.

This looks like this guy, the ace craftsmanship. I'm going to make you one, but I also gave you the recipe. You might make one. Is that correct? I'm making some bar pizzas here. Here's my concession. Yeah. My mom got me a box

of Cheez-Its extra toasty. And I sat down and I ate the entire box in one sitting. That's my concession. Look, I know of a lot of people. I'll do that all the time, but for me,

I don't think I'd ever eaten a full box of Cheez-Its in one sitting. That's a lot. 1200 calories at least. Sorry, 1200. No, it is 1200 calories. 1200 calories in one sitting.

I felt pretty bad after I did it. It was a full box of Cheez-Its. It's like eating one of the big bags of Doritos or something in one sitting to yourself. It's bad. And that's my concession for

Nasty Networks. I haven't done any little nasty. I haven't done some nasty shit. I didn't shoot anywhere. You didn't shoot your mustard over food? I didn't shoot my mustard anywhere. I just took down a whole box

of Cheez-Its. But that will make you feel pretty grimy. That's a lot of just empty calories in one sitting. All right, Oscar, what are the 19 food secrets you would like to get off your chest?

Yeah, so forgive me, for I have sinned. I, as someone who's in a lockdown and unable to cook literally anything at all, like I don't know how to cook anything,

I've relied on a lot of ramen, cup of noodle soup, stuff you could just put in a microwave. And ramen is what I've been eating a lot of. I started putting eggs in the ramen to add a little, to make it a little more authentic,

but it just wasn't enough for me. So what I ended up doing, I was like, well, in a lot of ramen places, they have like a pork cutlet you could put into. But of course, I don't know how to make that. So I started putting deli meats into ramen

as a pork and it's really gross, but it does do the trick. It is like, oh, there's that bit of protein that I like, but it is embarrassing every time I do it, and every time I

plop a freaking deli ham slice into the already shitty cup of ramen noodles, you're just like, have I really sunk this low? And the answer is yes,

you have. I will say, I've done that move and that actually does work better than it's, I mean, it's actually pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the doing it is just, you just feel 100%. Your sin will only get you to like

the first or second level of food, hell. I guess, is it the seventh is the furthest cell? How many layers of hell are there? I think it's seven, yeah. You're in the fucking core, Wags, with your fucking food secret. But you know what, I just realized

that I have another concession. Oh wow. And it's so pathetic that I don't want to say it. Oh, you have to know. But I will. The night of Joe Biden's inauguration, someone on the dose court said they were getting Taco Bell, and I was like,

I fucking want Taco Bell. I'm just like, look, look, look, Trump is no longer president, and look, I get a lot of people who don't like Biden that are more left and are upset with Biden. I get it. I'm just saying, I was just thrilled

that Biden was in the White House and Trump was gone because it just felt like a relief, and I was like, I just want fucking Taco Bell. So I said to my mom, I said, I'm going to get Taco Bell, and she said, what for? Is it for Doe Boys? And I

said, yes, it is for Doe Boys. Oh my God. And I, and I pretended to not only did I pretended that it was for Doe Boys, but I took pictures of the Taco Bell so that she thought I was taking pictures of the food for Doe Boys, which is something we

do. And I pretended to take a picture of a couple of them. I, I haven't been eating fast food besides the Doe Boys. Nick, you know this, we've been on a break for a long time. I haven't been eating fast food at all. I just wanted fucking Taco Bell. It's pathetic. You both think I'm pathetic.

No, Mitch. It's, you know what? Oscar shaking his head. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No, Mitch. It's not pathetic that you a 38 year old man lied to your mom who you live with. It's like doing what you want for

work reasons. You know what I mean? I also have, the only other time that I got fast food was I got a spicy chicken sandwich meal. And I got a junior cheeseburger also with the meal and I ate that on the way

home and then hid the fact that I had I threw it away. And so I like told my mom was like, I got one and she's like, what do you got? I was like a spicy chicken sandwich meal and I had, I actually had the wrapper. You know what? I had the wrapper in my bag. I remember this now because I,

when she was coming down, I quickly opened the spicy chicken sandwich on top of the other wrapper and like made the two foils look like one foil and I thought she was eyeing it. I was very scared that she was eyeing it because she thinks I'm fat. This dynamic between

you and your mom where you have to hide your eating from her, it's just, it's fascinating. It's so different from- It's pathetic in the episode for fuck's sake. Well we still have to answer a question. Oh god dammit. Is it from my mom? Uh, yes. And it's not a question, it's just a statement

saying, I'm on to you. That was concessional. Just like a restaurant we value your feedback. Let's open up the feedback. And today we have an email from Alyssa. Alyssa writes, I gave birth last October to a healthy baby boy. Hey, congratulations. Yay!

When labor was all said and done, I had gone over 24 hours without eating. Whoa, what the- The first thing I had was the hospital cafeteria's pulled pork sandwich. Well, it tasted like the best meal I ever ate due to my level of starvation. I'm sure it was actually disgusting, but at that point I was not able to wait another

minute for my husband to go get me something better. So my question is, what's the grossest thing you've ever eaten just from pure desperation? Did it end up tasting delicious because you were so hungry? Great question. The question is, grossest thing you've ever eaten and was it delicious because you were desperate? A little bit more here.

For the record, I consider my real first post-pregnancy meal to be an Italian hoagie from Carmen's famous Italian Hoagie and Reading Terminal Market in Philly. Nine months without cold cuts was brutal. Is that a thing? You can't have cold cuts while you're pregnant? Oh, I have no idea. Yeah.

P.S. While waiting for labor to really get started, my husband and I were listening to your pod in my hospital room. The nurse came in right as you started one of your hilariously vulgar manscaped ads. My husband had fallen into a deep sleep in the chair next to me and since I was pinned to the bed thanks to IVs and monitors, I couldn't reach my phone

to turn it off. I flailed desperately at my sleeping husband, but to no avail, my bedside nurse heard all about your hairy balls. So there you go. Congratulations, Alyssa. What a fucking nightmare scenario. Changing lives, you guys. I love it. I think you're not supposed to eat Italian

cold cuts when you're pregnant because you don't want your kid coming out sounding like a fucking New Jersey idiot. It's another broadside of the Italian-American community. You don't want to birth baby Marias? Baby Marias is adorable. This is a baby that came out after you ate cold cuts.

Gabba goo. Not Gabba goo goo. Fuck! Gabba goo goo. Oh Christ. Grossest thing I've ever eaten just from pure desperation. The pulled pork sandwich made me think of

there was a college situation where I missed the dining hall window and so I had to get myself something to eat and it was kind of late and the dorm I was at was pretty far removed from I'd have to walk a lot of long ways in the dark

to get to a takeout place. So I just went to a vending machine and I got a vending machine microwavable cheeseburger and I was hungry as shit and those things are so fucking gross. It was like one of those ones that just like it's like it comes out wet

and it comes with like a little packet of mustard and it's just it's so fucking gross but I put it in the microwave followed directions squeezed that packet of mustard into it and it was actually... Oh you squeezed it, you didn't shoot it this time. I shot the mustard all over it.

And it was like every bite I was like this is fucking gross but I'm like so hungry and tired and like I'd been like studying or whatever so I just like met like I just like I needed like sustenance and I was like I like every bite like knowing I'm just eating like a sponge

like like a sponge that's been soaked in like just you know in gravy it's just like so just like a fucking gross texture vaguely meat flavored but it was fucking great and it was satisfying and I do remember that cheeseburger pretty viscerally.

Mr. Slice, Spoon Man, any gross meal that was oddly satisfying? Wags, I mean I can't think of one that was like oddly satisfying. You saying the burgers is like I've definitely like late night at 7-Eleven or something have had like a burger

and I think that to me that's probably the one that's like most satisfying too is like a bakery stick or a taquito or something from 7-Eleven did taste just fantastic because I was starving. It doesn't need to be it doesn't need to be necessarily satisfying. It could also just be the grossest thing you've ever eaten

from pure desperation. That's the question. When we when I took that I went to Italy with some Quincy folks and we we were on the train we were on the train to yeah we took the night train to Austria there was like

there were six of us in one room in like a sleeping car it was fucking terrible. We thought it was going to we thought the night train was going to be fun like we thought we were going to like have some drinks and party on the night train and it was fucking awful and then I remember there was

we got on the train after like along the train was like super delayed and then we got on there and they had like deli sandwiches and he opened up the thing and like you know when you like you see a refrigerant nothing in here is like seems like it's been

really refrigerated yeah like uh like it seems like it's like just like been sitting at kind of like a room temperature it's kind of like a room temperature deal you know and it was deli sandwiches like that that like these weird Austrian deli

sandwiches at room temperature that I didn't know how old they were that are like they were sub 7 11 level and we just had a fucking eat them and one of them was one of them was an egg salad sandwich in it and it was and it was fucking

that's gnarly and and we just had I had to do it I hadn't we hadn't eaten it was the only option and yeah I probably thought I was pretty good Oscar anything gross you've eaten from pure desperation yeah I mean

yes yes so I was actually I was vegan for five full years yeah yeah this is a very long time ago and yeah like being really good about being vegan and and was like

super annoying about it and then I remember I was walking and just got really hungry when I get hungry it's one of those like it's a light switch like I'm full until I'm starving things so I was just like

ravenous and of course there's nothing vegan when you're in the middle of Brooklyn in the early 2000s you just like walking around and I went to McDonald's and I was like am I really going to do

this and I bought myself chicken nuggets chicken and after five years of being vegan and not eating anything I bit into one of those chicken McNuggets and when I tell you I could taste the sweat

of the chicken it was like the gristle it was like it's so bizarre to eat me after not eating anything for so long I felt so disgusting and it was truly gross but that was

the day I stopped being vegan vegetarian now I'm like I have swung completely on the other side of that pendulum and I love meat baby this is amazing but I will never

ever forget the taste of that chicken nugget ever in my entire life I'm so glad we got this anecdote at the end of the episode and I'm sure that's what meat tastes like I'm sure that's what it didn't go way it's just like your body just gets used

to it and dare I say it turns for it yeah I'm gonna say that I feel like there's been desperate when you're desperate for so long and I've had desperation meals so often

it's hard to remember which ones are the most pathetic I mean like I've told you this before but I had fallen asleep back in the day with a burger in my hand and I'm like did I eat more than that burger possibly

I maybe put it in the fridge and ate it later there were plenty of times when there were burgers or sandwiches left out that I would then eat again the next day when I was younger but what's the etiquette there do you just toss them away that feels so wasteful yeah exactly

you take them down yeah I think you're alright you have to yeah I'm with you Mitch because a lot of my most pathetic meals they're just like nothing notable like a very sad like grocery store prepackaged salad that just like tastes like shit and has you know

it's kind of old but you know those were like those are there's nothing particularly notable about those and I have a lot of those in my life yeah but if you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants you can email us at dowboyspodcast at gmail.com or leave us a voicemail at 830 Godot that's

830 4636844 and to get the dowboys double our weekly bonus episode join the golden or platinum play club at patreon.com slash dowboys Oscar Montoya I'd like to have you on the podcast thank you so much for being here so fun thanks so much for having me this has been truly a blast I love it well please come back

and do you have anything you would like to plug at this time yeah just like follow me on social media on Twitter and Instagram at ozzymo ozzymo and yeah I have a new podcast called podcast killed the video starts a music video podcast where me and

my friend Mano Gapien who y'all know no boys that yeah truly truly a dowboy one of the greats and we are on an epic quest to rate the top 100 music videos of all time

but then listeners will then vote on which ones make the cut so it's really fun it's great so you can follow that at podcast killed the video star on Instagram so yeah that sounds rad check that out it was a blast having you thanks thanks for doing this dumb bull shit

what a treat I'm so yeah this is so fun well hey Mitch that'll do it for this episode of dowboys until next time for the spoon man aka mr slice Mike Mitchell I'm nick weiger happy eating see ya sources for this week's intro are in the episode description