Doughboys - Shipley Do-Nuts with Jon Gabrus (LIVE)

Episode Date: January 11, 2018

On the second stop of their Texas tour, Mitch and Wiger are again joined by Jon Gabrus (Comedy Bang! Bang!, Raised by TV) for a raucous discussion of local sweet treat/kolache chain Shipley Do-Nuts. Recorded live at The Secret Group in Houston.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Uh June 1st, National Donut Day While it may sound like a trifling fake observance such as National Corn Dog Day, World Emoji Day, or Talk Like a Pirate Day, this holiday named for round pastry in fact originated as a tribute to Salvation Army volunteer women who played a support role for U.S. troops during World War I. Known as Donut Girls or Donut Lassies are most enduringly as Donut Dollies. These female patriots prepared and distributed baked goods, coffee, and other rations for the American military presence in France, filling the GI tracts of GIs, and boosting their morale. The rabid wartime consumption of donuts by U.S. military personnel is even thought by some to be why American soldiers came to be referred to as Doe Boys.

The conclusion of the Great War of 1918 set up a decade of Western economic boom known as the Roaring 20s, though the greed of the ruling class made the sustained growth unsustainable, and the Wall Street Crash of 1929 ushered in the prolonged misery of the Great Depression. In 1936, just as President Franklin Delano Roosevelt's new deal of tightened banking regulations and vast expansion of government make work programs finally pulled America out of the pits of financial despair, a Houston man named Lawrence perfected his gourmet donut recipe, and began selling his pastries wholesale for just five cents a dozen. Serving his product warm was essential, as the founder said,

quote, when they bite into that hot donut, it will bring them back every time. As Lawrence converted his operation from wholesale to retail storefronts, he enlisted a donut dolly of his own, his wife Lily, who took over preparing the treats while simultaneously rearing their young son. The couple's business's boom seems to have never ended, today having expanded nearly 200 stores in Texas and across the South, Houstonians have maintained a fierce loyalty to the brand, when regional rival Krispy Kreme attempted to establish a foothold in Space City,

it quickly sputtered, and they sheepishly shuttered their stores and fled the Houston market for good. Today, eight decades after Lawrence and Lily began their business each June 1st, this Houston institution hands out free donuts and donates a portion of its sales to charity in observance of National Donut Day, and while the spelling and in this case hyphenation of the word donut remains in dispute, what's not in dispute is the significance of these ring-shaped sweet treats to American culture and American history.

This week on Doughboys, Shipply Donuts. Welcome to Doughboys Live! How you doing, Houston? Ah, man, guys, we got a really great show. Before we go any further, this week's roast is courtesy of Tom Geiger. Let me introduce my co-host, Gorge Straight. Give it up for the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell! What's up, Houston? It's embarrassing when you get stuck walking out of a bay door.

I couldn't fit through somehow. Why were you holding your beer like a T-Rex? The entire intro, you had it like this. I don't know, it was a comfortable resting position. What do you want from me? Here's the thing, the body of the can is cold. Oh, my God, now we have to listen to some explanation. I sipped a little bit at the top. Actually, T-Rexing is actually pretty normal.

I sipped a little bit of this ice-cold brew dog, and so the top of it was room temp so I could hold it without chilling my fingies. Fingies, folks. Your fingies. Mitch, I got a real bad cough, as you know. We did a show last night in Austin. Do you guys like Austin? What's it? Okay, all right. All right, so-so. I don't know, because if you're like, okay, all right, thank you.

I like Austin. I like Austin, too. It seemed all right. Sure. But if you're in the bay area and you mention L.A. or vice versa, if you mention San Francisco and L.A., people are like, boo, there's a regional rivalry, so I don't know what's over here in Texas. We all hate each other. Oh, you guys don't like Dallas. Okay, interesting.

Wow. We're going to Dallas tomorrow. Here's the thing, a lot of Houstonians are pissed at us because a lot of people are like, oh, yeah, you guys should cover Shipley. So they're like, oh, we'll cover Shipley, and then we're like, okay, well, I guess that means we're doing Whataburger in Dallas, and people are very mad at that decision that you guys are deprived of Whataburger. Guys, we got-what's that?

What's that? We're making a commute. You're making a commute? You're making a commute. Ooh, big mistake. You'll regret that after the show. Yeah. See how you feel about that commute in 90 minutes. Hey, you know what?

We got a Houston guarantee. Tomorrow we're in Dallas. We're going to piss all over it, right, Nick? We're going to piss all over that place. We're committing to public urination in Dallas. Public urination. All right. Can you be murdered for that in Dallas?

You can go-I think if you do it on like Cowboy Stadium, you could probably get your ass kicked. Oh, shit. I think probably-because I've heard that public urination, you can end up on the sex offender registry. Oh, well, that's fine for you, but... Wait a minute. Nick Wagner already on there.

Don't worry about it. Okay. I had a-because we-Mitch, and we can get into what we got up to last night a little bit when we get our guests down here, but I had a horrible coughing fit last night. That's right. And I coughed-this was after the show. I coughed so bad.

I didn't tell you this that I threw up. I went straight from coughing, like, right into puking. Thankfully, I was in the bathroom, so I was able to do it into a toilet. This was after the show? This was after the show, yeah. Why'd you tell us? Also, I mean, I had-it may have been related. I had nine beers.

It may have been a-it may have been a factor. I went into the bathroom and there was a steaming hot salad in the toilet. God damn it. I won't say it again, the entire show, for God's sakes. The idea that I had that in my stomach and it remained the same temperature it was when I consumed it. It's so hot that even after you eat it, hours later, it's still steaming. It goes down my esophagus sizzling.

It has some stomach acid work on it for a little bit and that just warms it up further. That's your notion. A hundred percent. Hey, you know what? Yeah. I gotta say, hey, I love Houston, a great place. You guys, this is a regular Mad Max out here.

We almost got killed like three different times. Right? What do you mean? Just outside? Yeah, when we were driving here. Oh, you mean by crazy roasters? Yes. Yeah, we actually-

You forgot how we almost died multiple times? I wasn't driving. You've been doing the bulk-you've been doing all of the driving. You're a nice driver, by the way. That's right. Thank you very much, Nick. Hell yeah. That's gabris, for sure.

You're a regular Wario Andretti. Wow. But yeah, a couple of people tried to run us off the road and then one guy had a little- I fit a road rage, tailed us for a little bit. He did. We thought we were gonna get a little Texas justice. Yeah.

We sucked his dick. It was fine. It was fine. He told us not to. Yeah. We're like, no. Look out, he helped. The other thing I experienced in Texas,

this was we went to Lockhart for barbecue. I didn't tell you this yet, but- What are these secrets that you were keeping from me? No, I meant to tell you this and I forgot to, but then we went to- Do people like Lockhart? They liked it in Austin. It feels kind of divided.

Maybe 60-40 out there, the reaction. But I enjoyed the barbecue that we went there. Six people. Maybe six people. I said 60-40. Oh, okay. I thought you said maybe six people. Okay, go on, go on.

But anyway, we went to- Is it Creutz? Is that how you say it? We went to that- Creutz's? Creutz's, okay. Didn't you do this exact same thing last night? Yeah, but I forgot.

Okay. Again, potentially related to the nine beers I had. I don't know, but we went to- We went to Creutz's and I went into the men's room. A gentleman, a grown man, using a urinal, pants around his ankles bare assed. And this was like- We got into Texas like late Wednesday.

So that was like within my first 24 hours of being in this state. I've never been here. I've only had to lay over at the Dallas airport. That's my only Texas experience. And is it- It is a good airport? That's good to know. We're flying out of there.

The Dallas airport? I heard that guy say that. When I flew out of the Dallas airport, a man puked on my ass. Right. So I don't know if I agree. So the guy was had his pants around his ankles? Grown man, pants around his ankles bare ass at the urinal,

peeing, and I was just like, maybe that's how they do it in the Lone Star State. That's why you did the same thing? I did the same- I mean, I was already doing it. I felt at home. Mitch, we want to get our guests down here, but we want to say one thing real quick.

And- Oh, wait, yeah. I want to say, uh, Yee-haw! To Spoon Nation, a special Yee-haw changing things up on the tour, saying Yee-haw instead of Howdy Ho.

I put some work into this tour. The bron is off. The bron sucks. That's your impression of me. That's your little impression of me. I played, uh, I played a drop last night that kind of gave you a hard time. So I thought I'd play one that gave me a hard time. And all those Quincy folks who make fun of in the drop,

you met last night. Lovely people. And you loved them. I met, I met a lot of them before. We had some new people from Quincy were introduced into my world. I'd previously met Raymondi and Scoop, uh, among others.

And I was, last night, and Wu-Tang, of course, I'd known Wu-Tang. Wu-Tang was also there. I did not see Wu-Tang after the show because Wu-Tang was so shit-faced, he left halfway through. He was fucking, he like got off the plane and immediately started drinking.

He was drinking on the plane. He was drinking on the plane. He was blacked out in the morning. He threw up. Yeah. I think outside the show. He threw up outside of the show. And I never saw him.

Left halfway through. The last, the only contact I had with Wu-Tang while he was in Texas was, he sent me a Facebook message at 7.30. So like just before we're going to start the show in Austin, and he said, don't fuck up the intro. He was right.

He did fuck it up. I did fuck it up a little bit. Anyway, that drop was from Robert Persinger. He gets a lot of them in. Robert, good job. Uh, he has no at-handle. I don't know. Who gives a shit?

That's over with. Well, Mitch, we should get our guests out here. We want to say one thing real quick. Uh, we know that, uh, we know that Harvey kind of fucked things up a little bit. So just as a small gesture of goodwill, we're donating half our take from the show to the Houston Food Bank.

So just so you guys know. So... Now... Nick, why don't you explain to them, um... We were like, we were feeling really good about ourselves and kind of like patting ourselves on the back in advance. Like, kind of like, yeah, this is like a cool thing to do. Um, and we made a small donation earlier as well.

But then we were like, we looked up the, uh, uh, the J.J. Watts charity drive. And we were like, wait a minute. Sorry. Laughing is a trigger, which is a problem. Less of a problem when I'm around Mitch, but when our guest gets out here, it's an issue. Fucking asshole.

Mitch, you're very funny. You're a very funny man. Oh, thanks, Nick. But... But we were like... We were like, oh, we're feeling good about ourselves. And then we were like, we saw J.J. Watts gave, like, $37 million. They're like, oh, man, this is such a pittance.

There's a chance our money will get there and they'll throw it away. Wow, you are so much creepier laughing with your cough. It's terrifying. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die. Hey, let's introduce our guest. You know him from Comedy Bang Bang,

and the host of the great podcast, High and Mighty, give it up for John Gabriel! Oh! Yeah! What's up? Gabriel, Mitch and I each have a brood dog just for some sipping during the show. You brought out five beers. Gabriel's drink...

Oh, my God. Gabriel says... Jesus Christ. For our listeners, Gabriel's just chugged an entire beer. Also, not a beer you should chug, necessarily. That's like a great beer that you should sip. Yeah, the better it is, the easier it is to chug. This is from the Eighth Wonder Brewery,

which is right across the street. Matt Marcus owns it. I'm on that dome foam, son. Matt Marcus is one of Harris Whittles, the late gray Harris Whittles, one of his best friends growing up. And you guys should check it out. It's an awesome place. You should go over there.

It's great. It's awesome. It's a great space. You're like telling them about a place in their hometown that's so obviously popular and amazing, and is 40 feet from... probably 10 feet from where they parked. You guys should check it out. Also, the secret door...

Secret group. You guys are having fun in this room. Check out the lobby. It's fucking dope. That's a Spoon Man hidden gem. The worst travel show ever. Can you host a travel show from your couch? I've been... Look, I'm fat and disgusting, too,

but I've been sharing a house with these guys for a couple of nights. And this is... Every morning, this is what I just see. He's just Mitch in bed. Just playing on his phone like, Hey, Jabba Novata! Getting choked out by some princess. Texting my mom... Giving live updates to my mom back at Quincy.

Don't worry. I'll be home soon for Christmas. It's December 1st. I'll be home in a couple of days. Gabriel, you had such a Herculean intake of alcohol last night. We touched on a little bit. It was a bottle of bourbon. You drank a bottle of bourbon during the show. No. No, don't cheer it.

Don't cheer it. Don't cheer it because I've shit in ten gas stations today. Because I ate and drank so much. Because yesterday was the day we went to Lockhart. And then I drank a bottle of bourbon. And I've been feeling like, hell... But I'll tell you, you chewed a couple of these phone domes, dude. You turned y'all there, huh?

I cannot do another one. Or else I would fucking diarrhea again. You ate... By the way, we need, like, a hazmat crew for that back bathroom. Keep the toilet paper roll on the floor. Classy. Yesterday, you, like, ate the amount that, like, an inmate on death row would eat for their final meal.

Like, seven pounds of barbecue, a bottle of bourbon. You ate all of it. It was impressive. It was amazing. My doctor said that any meal could be my last meal. So, just treat it as such. He said to me, you might want to eat dessert first. Well, I got a little hidden dessert in the bathroom we didn't know about. What?

That guy with his pants around his ankles. I was implying that you ate his ass out. Jesus Christ. Don't get mad at him when he doesn't get this super vague reference you made. Even the crowd was like, oh. I know I'm supposed to have our reaction to this. I was saying he ate the man's ass out. We mentioned it earlier, so we hung out with your Quincy friends.

They flew out to Austin. That's right. So we had... So, Wu-Tang, we already mentioned with so shit-faced he left. Micahs was there. I met for the first time. Micahs is a lovely man. Great dude. Great guy.

Dano. We love Dano. Big Dano fan here. You guys love Dano. Dano is, like, your friend from Goodwill Hunting who was, like, he still lives at home, but he'll fucking beat your... Beat some on with a hammer for you. It was one of my favorite interactions. I won't identify the Quincy friend because I don't know if this is something they'd want disclosed,

but I was... Like, I had this cough, and one of your Quincy friends was, like... Someone I haven't mentioned was, like, was, like, oh, do you have tuberculosis? And I started, like... I started, like, laughing. I was, like, yeah, I got the... I got fucking this old West disease, right?

Like, doc holiday, you know whatever. And then your Quincy friend was, like, ah, because I have tuberculosis. It's, like, what the fuck? I don't know exactly how to do bits. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, me too. And it was serious.

Like, just had it. It was just, like, has a latent case of tuberculosis. That was my friend's cousin, yes. Yeah, right. Spot blown up, friend's cousin. Sorry. Oh, there he goes. Well, you might have tuberculosis to be fair.

I might, maybe that's what's going on. I've got case of dry throat. I got consumption. But I'm your Huckleberry. You guys... And then one guy got kicked out of the bar. They were a mess. Yeah, one of your friends got kicked out of the bar

and had to... Like, he got cut off and then he got thrown out. Yeah. And this was also to... This was, like, at 7.45. You guys go all out. Yeah. They're...

They're alcoholics. And so your, like, good friend Wu flew from Boston to Austin to see... Boston to Austin. Didn't even ever put that together. And he came to see your show. He passed out before the show started. I had to leave.

You never saw him. I never saw him. You woke up the next morning and drove to Houston. Didn't, like, grab a bite with your friend. Yeah, right. You flew across the country to see your fucking dumbass stumbled through... Oh!

Wow! He went to bed after I said howdy ho. He was done. That's his fault. That's on Wu Tang. I can't... I'm not gonna wake up. We were up till 4 in the morning.

Yeah. How are these functional men? Like, they have jobs. They have families. And they drink like they're fucking 19 on spring break. You... I couldn't believe you stayed out last night. You...

I thought... I really thought you might be dead. I think I was... I was gonna, like, pull your sheets down and see a mummified wiger. I was... I was so tired. I was, like, because I... I'm a little bit of an early riser yesterday.

I... I was so proud of myself because I was, like, I'm not gonna set an alarm and I was, like, I slept in all the way till 8.30. And then I realized that that's 6.30 in California time. I just woke up naturally. And by the time we were done partying, it was, like, one o'clock.

It was, like, 1 a.m. Yeah, it was, like... I left, like, close to last call. When is last call? Like, 2 here? I left close to... I left, like, 1.30. You don't know when last call is...

It's different in every state. It's different in different states. Oh, shut up. Okay, fine. Oh. Christ. That snuck up on me. I apologize.

Ooh. That little foam in the dome, baby. One of the things we did have, and this is not a Texas-specific, but this was a... These were some great eats that we had. They have a pizza truck there. We got some Detroit-style pizza. Any Detroit-style pizza fans out there, it's a very distinct...

It's a great... It's, like, the square... If you're not familiar with... It comes with a V8 engine block on it. Yeah. Right. It was really... That pizza was doing really well in, like, the 50s and 60s,

and now it's, like, three cents a slice. But no, we... It's, like, a thick... Like, a little bit of a thick crust, not quite Chicago-style crust, and then they're square slices, and they're... It was... It was fucking delicious. You took down five slices...

I had five slices of pizza and nine brew dogs. Jesus. That's an animal. Holy shit. What are you on? The high school vacation or something? I had five slices of pizza and nine beers, and I woke up at 8.30 in the morning.

That's the police reading the last day of his journal. No science point to him being a killer. It's written super small, like, fucking Jonathan Doe in seven. Oh, another thing you have in common with Kevin Spacey. Well, come on. I come here to steal some of Mitch's jokes. We're going to have to get ready, like, all the money in the world. We're going to have to get a new wiger at some point.

You're going to have to replace me with Christopher Plummer. I think Christopher Plummer's going to have to take the energy level of this podcast up a little. Finally, we can cut loose Chris Plummer's here. Get someone with a little more charisma, like a Bob Balliband? A guy who sleeps in later than you, basically. Get someone who's really going to be a little bit more energetic, like a Ben Stein type. 80-year-old Ben Stein.

Did you guys ever keep a journal or a diary of any sort at any point in your lives? You couldn't shoot a look at us. Come on. I don't know. We don't know how to read or write. We just spend all day throwing barrels at plumbers. This is coming after my girl. I could throw a barrel at her. Sure, I kidnapped her, Bronner, on the construction site. That would be really funny to see you in the live-action Donkey Kong.

Super, super gassed on the first ladder. You mind climbing a little yourself, sweetheart? In the end, it was heart disease that killed the beast. Mario gets the top to fight Donkey Kong. Donkey, are you okay? That's fine. Take her. She's yours. Holy shit.

There's a little bit of... Did you keep a journal or a diary? I actually did have a little bit of a... Well, look, I don't have anything particularly interesting to add here. I was genuinely curious if you guys had one. I had a journal for a little bit. I had a diary that I kept, and then I found it later in life. It was a childhood diary, and I threw it in the dumpster.

I was like, I don't want this anymore, so I just got rid of it. That's called getting rid of evidence. Yeah. Wow, there's a lot of sketches of the neighbor's girl. I'm the king of, like, I have no nostalgia for shit. I just took... My mom's like, look, I found your old high school football jersey, and I was like, cool, you could throw it out.

She goes, you have to bring it back to LA, and I think I threw it out in the airport. Like, at JFK, I opened my bag and took out my high school football jersey and just threw it in the garbage bag. Yeah, hold on. Last night you... But also, at the same time, last night you signed someone's thing, and I think you put your football number down. I did, yeah.

I did. I think it's asinine that anyone needs an autograph in 2017, but some people want it, so I signed it, and then if I'm going to sign it, I'm going to pretend I'm a middle linebacker for the New York Giants. They wouldn't be any worse. What? I said they wouldn't be worse.

Oh, I think I'm like the 54th man. I'm about to get a call. McAdoo, the only person who looks like a pedophile and a child at the same time. What if Mr. Pringles was a rapist? That's the beginning of my screenplay. Once you pop, you can't stop. So we have a... we have a donut shop on the agenda today. That's what we're discussing.

How do you guys feel? Like, where do you guys rank donuts in the breakfast pastry hierarchy personally? Four. Four. Four. Four. Thanks. What? Thanks, guys.

Four. And also, for the record, I think he was asking the people on the podcast. Four. But first shout out any number that comes to mind. No, I wanted an individual answer from every audience. What does four mean? It's fourth of everything.

We're going to pass the microphone around. You use your own rating system and just say where donuts fall. Good. Orange. Queen. Queen. I'm not really a sweets guy and I'm really not a sweets in the morning guy. It really fucks my whole day up if I let it start.

Right. That resists sometimes a little panna chocolat or a chocolate croissant. Wow, these foam domes go right to your head. What percentage is it? If I threw saying chocolate croissant, I'm like, what was I answering? It's like one of the fun things about doing something that doesn't matter at all, like hosting a podcast, is you don't have to stress about it. But then sometimes you forget that you should do a little bit of effort.

Yeah. And you shouldn't say that in front of the guest. I might put a little bit of effort. Who here has like a physically demanding job? Round of applause. Yeah. How obviously easy is our job? We're sitting there.

We eat and then talk about it. Who thinks they have the most physically demanding job here? Anyone put a hand up. I see a hand right there. What's your job? The steam fitters up here. What the fuck? There's a row of them.

What's your job? You guys are zoo keepers. Did you come to lock gabris and I up? Yeah. We got them boys. They just keep like putting foam dome cans towards a big cage. They like they like fill gabris with like a gatling guns worth of tranquilizer darts and you'd still be going strong.

I have like a lit one smoking a fucking trinket. What zoo do you work at? You work at the Houston Zoo, but what is the... What zoo do you think they work at? I don't fucking know. I don't know the zoos in the metropolitan areas here. Maybe it has a name other than the Houston Zoo. I don't know.

That's fine. That's why it's asking. It's the Houston Zoo. It's not an unreasonable question. No, it was dumb. It's a fine question. It was not a fine question or a dumb question, but definitely not worth all of this. What do you guys...

Hey, what's the scariest animal to deal with over there? What? Blue Moon? Chimp. Chimp? Oh, fuck. I'm terrified at chimps. Here's what I heard about a chimp.

I was about to say you told me this story. You're the guy who told me this story, right? Well, I'm not sure if this is the same story, but this is what I remember. This is what I know about chimps is that I remember reading a forum thread on Neogaff years ago. It was a gaming forum. It wasn't this story. Okay.

And someone had asked how at the time top MMA fighter Chuck Liddell would fare. What's that? Iceman Chuck Liddell. Iceman Chuck Liddell. Thanks, guys. If anyone in the front row has any advice to add to us... You guys have heard a podcast before. You know how it works.

It's sort of a one-sided thing. You'll know when we want you to talk, like when we say, what zoo do you work at is when you respond. But people are just like, I know the guy's nickname. Say it, Ronnie. Say it. Iceman. Someone was like, I think if the chimp had like a mouthpiece so he couldn't use his fangs,

then I think Chuck Liddell would have a chance to take down a chimp. And someone was like, no, the chimp would just tear his biceps off. Like, they're so much stronger than men. And they're vicious. I'm terrified of chimps. There's the thing. If I ever was in a Dunston Checks in situation where they're like... Wait.

Okay. If they're like... Okay. Can you just explain the situation? If they're like, look, we're going to reboot it. We're going to make Weiger Checks in. I'd be like... Wait.

So hold on. Now you check in instead of the monkey. You're the monkey in your... I'm the monkey. I'm the monkey, but there's a chimp as like the guy. Whatever the context is. Why? Why the role reversal?

I don't know. Just make a Dunston Checks in reboot. You're in it. Okay. Instead of Matt LeBlanc or whoever the fuck does. It's still a Dunston Checks in. That's the baseball one. You're thinking of Ed.

All right. Fine. Who was in Dunston Checks in? Bronson Pinchot. Jason Alexander. Jason. I'm the Jason Alexander role. Okay.

Well, maybe this should be Mitch. You'd have to drop a couple of pounds to play Costanza. I would be like... I'm too fat to play George. Like that's true. I would like refuse to do that. I would be like, there's no way I'm doing this project because I'm so scared of working with even a train chimp because they're just going to go on.

By the way, I think it was a fake chimp. You think it was a guy in a suit? I think it was, right? Because it wouldn't have been CG at the time. The technology wasn't that bad. It was an infant Andy Serkis doing it. But is that why you guys are scared of chimps because of the physical danger? Wow.

Okay. They're nodding from there. Yeah. They're totally into this conversation. What's your favorite animal to tend to at the zoo? Birds. You guys like the birds. Is that the consensus?

Why do you like the birds? Is that the easy gig? Is the birds the easy gig? All this shit to the side? What is like a, what is a weird thing about your job that a lot of people don't know might be in a zookeeper's day? Because that's always like some like, yeah. You get to date the animals.

We get one date with any animal we want. It's cool. I took a Komodo dragon to Eighth Wonder. Is there any like weird thing about the job that not a lot of people know? Like, is there something that's like bullshit? Like, you know, like you won't believe the kind of bullshit thing we have to do or something that's really cool. Right?

Because it? What's that? What's that? Not really. Not really. It's pretty much exactly. Do you guys work at the zoo? Yeah.

A lot of shit. Yeah. So it's a lot like my personal. I was going to say it's like being on tour with Gabriel. We're going to stop at every gas station so the fucking lizard can take a dump. Eight times a day. So less than Gabriel literally. Yeah.

Like a bird. I have hollow bones and I eat garbage off of people's blankets at the beach. And if I shit on you, it's good luck. Line up. What you said you had a tough job to what's your what was your job? You're a job. That's a demanding job. But a physically demanding someone booed a chef.

Come on. I don't do food. Wait. The guy who booed, are they eating food? The people who booed him? Oh, wasn't you? Boo. I don't like what I'm eating.

Chef suck. Chef suck. I prefer all my food in pill form. Branch, Shane, amino acids, brawl. What style of cooking do you do? I do fine dining cooking. Whoa. Fine dining.

Oh. Very cool. So you cook a lot of birds. Yeah. Look. I made a connection there. They're enemies now. Hey, you guys are booing.

You're coming to a show about eating garbage incessantly. And then booing food. Oh, wait. I actually have another question for the zookeepers. Jesus Christ. They've been very forthcoming. Let's hit them again. Between the four of them, we've gotten 11 words and seven questions.

Is there a forbidden fruit in the animal kingdom? Like, there's an animal you would love to eat, but you cannot. You want to eat a hippo. Oh, boy. Very fatty. It's probably. Yeah. Right.

It's like a big. It's I mean, it's like a sea cow base. They're like, I guess more of a lake cow. They're in fresh water. What's that? It means river. It means river horse. How about that?

Well, there we go. Oh, cool. This guy just got promoted to captain of the zoo. Because he can chase link together a full sentence. We spend all day around animals, bro. What do you want from us? We don't talk to humans all that much. There's like a rom-com where a guy runs the zoo is like, I don't know how to deal.

And then the monkeys are like, it's like this. And he's like, oh, that literally was a Kevin James movie from like five years ago. That was an exact, you pitched a movie that got made. Oh, right. Right. The zookeeper. Mitch, I believe when you rode crew, river horse was your nickname, right? River.

Oh, because a hippopotamus. Yes. Good work, Mitch. Put it together all on your own. It's been one full minute since that reference was made. I was in the engine room, baby. You were in the engine room? Yeah.

Four, five, six, seven is the engine room on the crew boat. That's the power. It's where the power comes from. Mitch, I have a quick question for you. How old are you? 35 years old. You're 35 years old and we talk mostly about a college sport you played and your high school friends.

That is, that's correct. Has anything of note? Yeah. We're cheering. We have high school friends. Has anything of note happened to you in the last 12 years? Perfect boys. I met Wyger.

All things. I don't love that much. Wally and Irma. Hell yeah. And you know what? You'll never take him to a zoo. Your piece is a shit. There's only two cats that keep hanging out at the hippopotamus.

They're like, Mitch. That can't be Mitch. He's exercise. It's moving around so much. Do you think of you instead of like having a cat sitter, if you put a statue on the couch in your living room and put Zelda on the TV, they would just be like, daddy's home. Two. It would be funny to see them nestling up with just a statue of me on the couch.

I was gone from home for a little while. They've been very snugly lately and I love them very much. This is really, this is heart melting. Mitch has a- A lot of Mison men fans in the crowd. Do you know, you know how it ends, right? I will never pet Wally and Irma to death. I promise.

No, but I mean, Nick is going to shoot you in the fucking head. I mean, Nick's going to shoot us all in the head at some point. Yeah, but in my version, I'm going to then turn the gun on myself. Well, to answer your question from 25 minutes ago, four. And for me, three. Do you, like, how often is a donut something that you would have for breakfast? For me, it's a rarity. It used to be something that was pretty common.

Like, I kind of rotate out of- No, we're talking fat wire here, right? Yeah, back when I was a little bit chubbier. Back when we could trust you. I think breakfast is, like, the only thing I do right. Oh, interesting. I tried. Yeah.

Okay. We're going to sort this out. You're going to see. So it's the people with the microphones. Gavress has gotten aggressive with the people who are talking back. No, I don't. I mean, I really don't care. It's not my podcast, but...

No, I want you to. I want you to go on a rampage. I try to be healthy first thing in the morning at least, you know? And that's about all the willpower in the world I have is, like, the first 35 minutes of the day where I drink coffee with no sugar and then, like, two hard-boiled eggs. And I'm like, I'm a hero. And then, like, at 11 a.m., I have 100 wings delivered to my house. Fucking put my feet on blue cheese and just eat them on the toilet.

Have you experimented with intermittent fasting at all? Because that's the thing I did for a little bit on the recommendation of the dumbbells. And it kind of worked pretty well for me where, like, I just wouldn't have a breakfast at all. I'd have myself a little cup of coffee. And I'd find that I would actually, over time, I stopped having that morning craving for food and that I actually had more energy later in the day. It was really weird. The morning craving for food.

Yeah, like, you kind of wake up and you're kind of hungry. But, you know, specifically, like, waking up with, like, kind of, like, an empty stomach and be like, oh, I got to eat something. And sometimes that leads to, you know, a McRiddle situation. But, yeah, no, I just omitting breakfast entirely kind of worked for me for a little bit and kind of engendered healthy eating habits throughout the day. But, Mitch, what's the... You don't typically eat breakfast at all, right?

Well, as you know, I'm not the typical early riser. What are you the typical of? I'm awake before 11. Oh! Round of applause for the adult. Mitch is the king of an excuse that makes him sound worse. Well, I was late because I left my house late. You're like, wait, what?

That's not a defense. I don't eat breakfast too much. As you say, which it annoys me, it gives me a case of the rumblies. Right. So, I don't usually... I don't love to eat breakfast in the morning, especially too early breakfast. And a donut would never help. But, like, if I'm, like, brunching, or, you know, it's 10 or 11,

and I'll get, like, a bagel and a donut... I used to get a bagel and a donut, that's what I did. Come on. I'm saying when I was, like, 14 years old. Oh, okay, okay. Oh, yeah, that makes you better. When I became fat for the rest of my life, that age, I was eating a bagel and a donut.

Yeah. Like, why is that? Is that that crazy? It's not that crazy. It's not that crazy if you're a grown boy. Some people eat two donuts for breakfast with a coffee, with milk and sugar in it. That's terrifying to me.

Yes. The craziest thing I think you could do is drink soda early. I think that's the sign of a true lunatic. Like, if you're on, like, this used to happen in New York, you'd be on the subway and, like, some fat guy in jean shorts would, like, smash a regular Pepsi at 10 a.m. And you're just like, Jesus Christ! How is the rest of your day going to be okay

if that's how you started? Again, going back to my fat days, when I worked at a video game company years ago and I worked in quality assurance and I'd get in the morning, I'd get there in the morning very early. My breakfast for a while, I said this on the bodyguest before, breakfast for a while was a cup of coffee black, a Mountain Dew Code red, and a Snickers bar.

I had that five days a week. It was intense. It was like, it was wildly unhealthy and it made me feel insane. Every day? Every day, yeah. I'd just go to the, I'd eat from the vending machine. That's fucking disgusting, Wiger. It was, yeah. It was disgusting. I agree.

I'm not defending it. That's grosser than I've... Well, I don't know if I've ever been, but... But I'm not, I mean, I don't, an early, early breakfast, donuts, it's too much sugar. It makes me feel sick. It's more of an occasional indulgence than an everyday thing. And I am kind of genuinely amazed by people who are able to do it with any sort of frequency.

Is there anyone out there who's a regular donut consumer? Like, that's like their regular breakfast by applause? No one, really. No one. Pretty healthy crowd, yeah. But it wasn't for a while sold as like a breakfast, like people would just be like, yeah, I'll just have a donut and coffee this morning.

You're like, what is your life that that's how you start the day? I'll have cake, please. Right. And I feel like that's still the bulk of the business of these donut places. Like, it's a lot of people are going in there first thing and that's their first bite of food. What's your favorite breakfast all around?

Ooh, excellent question. I'm Eggs Benny all the way, baby. Yeah, Eggs Benedict is a good option. Eggs Benedict. Sausage, egg and cheese, salt, pepper, ketchup, Kaiser Roll. From any deli in New York. Oh my God. Bodega?

Bodega Sammies, baby. I need a cat to be with an eye shot, so I know. I know it. And I want, like, the thing, the thing I used to get, I went to the same deli every morning in my neighborhood in Brooklyn. And the guy never gave me the say, I ordered a sausage, egg and cheese, salt, pepper, ketchup every single morning.

And he gave me something different every time. Like, at one time I got two slices of cheese and salt, pepper, ketchup on a thing. I was like, I'll let him slide. Yeah, you gave me some provolone and an over easy egg on an open-toed shoe. All right. I'm just going to roll with this.

Yeah, a wedge. What about you, Nick? I say, my, honestly, I'm going to, like, from a protein standpoint for something that could actually be like a breakfast like an eight on its own. I would say, I would say like an amulet, but... Amulet? I'd say amulet.

I would say put a couple more syllables in that word if you can. There's an E in there. Why did you say it like that? He's the only person I know that says, comfortable. These genes are uncomfortable. But egg dish aside, my favorite overall breakfast food, hash browns. Yeah! The most half-hearted thing I've ever heard.

I didn't really commit to that, but I do love hash browns. That's a side, though. That's not a breakfast to me. Yeah, I know. That's what I gave a conditional. I said that my main dish would be, my protein would be an amulet. An amulet. An amulet.

Okay. All right. Fair enough. But if I was going to say, like, my favorite overall thing that you eat in the morning, these, they're savory and they're filling in their distinct. All right. Fine. I'm a big savory.

I don't really like sweets in general. Right. I'd rather always. That's so weird to me. I know. I got fat the old fashioned way. Alcohol and meat. The way our forefathers got fat.

How Beth Franklin got fat. If this was the 1500s, we would be kings. It's what I say is I like wheeze and blow my knee out going downstairs. I feel like we'd be depressed if we saw like fat guys from the 1500s. They would be like 200 pounds. Oh Christ. Am I fatter than Ben Franklin? Yes.

I'm fatter than Ben Franklin. Ben Franklin. Hey, shut the fuck up, audience. Yeah, you are. You don't know Ben Franklin for fuck's sake. Next, the ass took fucking air baths. I feel like Taft is skinnier than us. Taft is not skinnier than us.

He got stuck in a bathtub. Yeah, but they used to make bathrooms smaller. Right. The last bathtub you climbed into. I was stuck in one the other day. You're like, Nick, grab the butter and the big spatula. You got to get me out of here. No problem, buddy.

Gotcha, buddy. Um, guys, I think that, I think that honestly, I think Taft was... He was like for Hondo, right? I know you don't like me Googling during the show, Mitch, but I think you guys have nothing to worry about as far as a Taft can compare his sense. Phew! He tipped the scales at 350.

What a big boy. Well, okay. He's only 35 pounds heavier than me. And he was famous for being fat. If you say Taft, you don't know anything about him, except that he was fat. And he was one vacation's worth of weight awake. You mean this trip?

After Dallas, we may be Taft-esque. I think if you stand on a scale, once you get, it just says Taft. If it is an electronic scale, we'll just say Taft. I got an electronic scale one time and it just a gun emoji came up. What a legacy that becomes after like a lifetime of public service, you ascend the commander-in-chief of the most powerful country on Earth, and then you're just remembered as fat president. Like a trivia answer.

Who was the big fatso who was in the White House? You're this kind of a size-ist coming out of your mouth. Wow. If I could steal a word from every episode of Doe Boys Ever. I think that's depressing. Yeah, he was a trust buster. He had some political achievements, right? But people only remember him for his girth. That's not fair.

I'm calling out the size-ism of society. I'm not talking about my own personal bias. You hate fat people. You know it. I love all sizes. No, you don't. I love all sizes. Any size and shape a person comes in is okay with me. So if a 25-foot tall triangle human walked in here,

you wouldn't go like, okay, maybe there's some limits. That would be fucking awesome. My big grimace monster came in here and started... How you doing, buddy? Hey, buddy. Hi, Mitch. Oh, sorry. Put a fucking Pat's hat on Grimace.

If you put a Patriot's hat on Grimace, you think people would confuse him? You do have a purple shirt on. I mean, I look like a rapier Bluto. Even rapier, I should say. Let's get into this week's chain a little bit. So we're talking about donuts forever. I thought we were finished with that.

I was ready to say whack. Oh, boy. So shipply donuts. This is a Houston original. I'd never had this before. You guys ever been here? I've never had it before. Never had it before.

We're first timers, the three of us. Yeah, we were all... This was our maiden voyage to the shipply donuts. We went to a location when we dined in. We were the only customers dining in. There was only three tables in there and a huge empty floor in the middle. It looked like a dance hall.

It was very unwelcoming. Extremely unwelcoming. There was a dude walking around eating a donut and stopping at all four tables. He was just kind of pacing around, and I was like trying to wait to see which table he takes so we could put our shit down. And then he chose no tables.

He just stood in the middle of the restaurant. The restaurant is a fucking real big air quotes here. Just to be clear... A building that had food inside of it is the shipplies we went to. I think we went to a shitty shipplies, but I'm not saying our experience was bad, but I think it might have been a shittier shipplies.

Yeah, maybe in terms... A shith please. Maybe in terms of the way the facility was maintained, but as far as the food is concerned, and keep in mind, and this ties back into you not being an early riser, saying like, oh, you got to get those hot donuts. There's just not a possibility for us with our schedule,

so we end up going the afternoon. I mean, we woke up at 11 in Austin. Right. So it just wasn't happening. It's not ideal... Trust me, it's not ideal to drive three hours, eat donuts, and then grab microphones. Yeah.

Trust me. But we did... But, you know, the grunginess of the facility aside, I really... I overall enjoyed the food quite a bit, and just to be pedantic for a second, not shipplies, although it's often called that, it is shipply singular.

It's not shipplies possessive. No, no, S. It's just shipply donuts. Add a fucking S on there. No, it's not on there. Why are they stingy with the letters? That's your question. Add an S?

I would say add a U-G-H. Huh? Shipply... Well, after the D-O. Oh. Like, shipply is not the weird thing about the spelling, it's the fact that it's dough dash nuts. Boy, after you gave Mitch so much shit

for his urinal joke earlier, for being too obscure, you expect us to put that one together in our brain. Yeah, so it's D-O dash nuts. Right. You referenced that in the beginning. So what is... What's the hold up here?

It's just a little bit of pizzazz from the Lawrence Shipply, just his own little personal affectation. But yeah, shipply donuts is what it's called. It's got that hyphen in there between the D-O and the nuts. But we got a dozen donuts. That was...

And we got a bunch of them. I'll run down the lineup, and we can... Maybe we should just take this donut by donut and give it our assessment. Maybe that's the best way to do it. Sure. Yeah.

And see if they're terrible, if they're bored of it by four, we'll power through. Right. Donut number one. Let's just power through. Cinnamon sugar. Four.

I guess... Beta? I thought this was really good. I mean, like, overall, they're sort of raised donuts, but they were quite good. And I like the cinnamon sugar. Sometimes you get too much cinnamon on something,

and you get a little bit of that... Like, what people do in that cinnamon challenge, you get the little coffee, but I thought this was nice and balanced. Yeah, there was... You took a bite of that, and you said, oh, this cured my cough.

I like... My favorite donuts are the, like, cinnamon sugar and the blueberry glaze of, like, like, from... Yeah. Like, from Duncan. Like, those are, like, my classic faces.

Oh, come on. You know, like, Duncan... What? I love Houston, and you stab me in the back like this. I love people boo-like. There's not other restaurants. I also like steak.

Boo! Talk about Shipley! So, is Shipley... Is Shipley's... It's like a... It's a city favorite. You guys love this place. Ooh, all right.

Okay. There's a little bit of trepidation, some skeptics out there. Yeah, but I mean, I do think it is something of a Houston institution, whether people still, like, love it or not. Yeah. I think a lot of people have some fandom for it,

or just some, like, nostalgia for when they used to like it. Yeah. But a lot like Dunkin' Donuts. I mean, we... You know Dunkin' Donuts isn't, like, the best donut. No, it is.

It's good. You understand objectively... No, it is. It's good. No, it's good. It's good. It's the best. Any other questions?

I love it. Mitch, you like that cinnamon sugar donut? I did. But also, could I just say we're definitely not doing the donut by donut ranking. The cinnamon sugar was good. Next? That's...

Well, what are you... Okay, fine. I say, list off all the donuts. We'll say our favorites of the bunch. How's that? No, nope. We're in too deep already. Oh, for fuck's sake.

We've done one. Let's do the next 11. I love the cinnamon and sugar donut. It was one of my favorites for real. It was up there as one of my top three as well. This next one, I want to prepare you, Mitch. You're going to have some mental associations. Ear muffs, maybe.

You're going to think of the Dark Lord in a lake of fire that you'll potentially be condemned to for your life of sin. We got ourselves a little devil's food. Nick had to whisper it to the cashier. He was like, look, Mitch, liquorish, and Mitch ran over to the window and was like, where, where, where? And Nick was like, and a devil's food.

Right up to the window that goes outside. Where's the liquorish? We have to bring Mitch into the restaurant because he was out asking people in the parking lot if they've seen his baseball. That's his running joke with me this trip. I keep saying, no, man, I haven't seen your baseball. He's implying that I'm slow, folks.

Like Warren from Something About Mary, specifically. A giant. I thought the devil's food was fine. It was like trying to be like a hostess cake a little bit, right? Like it reminded me of a ding dong, what's that one? With the curly Q on top. You know what? I think that donut belongs in fucking hell with the devil itself.

Wow. Sorry, actually, it was just okay, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, it was fine, but the marshmallow was a little like that marshmallow icing kind of thing in the middle was a little much. Wasn't that a different one? I thought that was the chocolate cream filled. No, that one had chocolate cream inside.

So the devil's food was the one with the marshmallow. Yes. You thought it was the chocolate cream filled. Hold on. I thought it was a chocolate donut with standard cream. I didn't realize the chocolate referred to the cream. Chocolate cream filled. No, chocolate cream filled.

There's no commas. There was no comma. You can formulate it either way. That's how I interpreted it. I'm having flashbacks to literally every night of my childhood where I would just slowly turn up and weezer so I wouldn't hear my dad and mom screaming at each other. If you want to destroy my mother. Were they fighting over your donuts?

Yeah. Devils! Fuck, this really isn't going to take a while to get. We're on donut number three. We have ten left. Should we adopt Mitch's system? No. They want it.

You Houston, you're sick fucks. Give it to us. Bull this shit out of us. What we like about this show is how tedious it is. I need to hear three different distinct sentences screamed about each of these bullshit donuts. Maple ice. I love, I love maple donuts. I love a maple bar. This is, this was great.

This one was solid. That was up there in my top. I took a bite. I took a bite. I looked out the window. I thought I was going to see a mountain. You, you bailed on that mid-syllable. You didn't even finish the word Mounties. Yeah, I know. I gave up.

You didn't even stumble or anything. You just went like, I swung too hard. It was like, let the bat out of your hands. Mountie. Mountie. It was because it gave, it brought me right up to Canada, Nick. That's what I'm trying to say. It was a treat.

It was a treat. Right. Why do you do this shit? People love it. It was a tasty treat. Yay for Nick. I do what they hate me. This is only day two of the tour. And you guys are so antagonistic to each other. In terms of wardrobe and beard,

you belong up in Canada logging. I think the next one we had was the chocolate iced, which as distinct from the devil's food, this wasn't a chocolate cake. This was just a standard raised donut with some chocolate icing on it. Again, the names are very straightforward. You shouldn't be confused.

Again, fine, a fine donut. Yeah, the thing we didn't do was write down the donuts when we ordered them. What we did was in the green room, like spend 20 minutes, all of us going, there was a maple, right? Right. We flew here to do this and we still in the moment were like,

we should have taken some notes or something. You took photos. I took some crime scene style photos of the restaurant. Wait, what? I took a picture of our dozen donuts. It's going to be a crime scene. By the way, it may not have been a crime scene yet, but some shit's about to go down at that ship.

And then we sort of tried to figure it out from memory and from those photos. You guys like the chocolate iced? We can combine these two. Chocolate iced with nuts was the next one. Oh yeah, good idea. Those are both chocolate iced ones. Two for one, baby. That's added some good texture to it. I like those.

I like both of those. Chocolate Frosted is one of my personal favorite donuts. I love a chocolate frosted. For sure. Not too many fans of them. All right. Chocolate Frosted are fucking awesome donuts. It's nice to go to like a non-hipster donut. Oh yeah.

Do you guys have... Because we were up in Portland. Do you guys have voodoo donuts here? Boo! It's in Austin. Man, I just... I find that place exhausting. It's just like they've got like all this shit on their donuts.

They've got like fucking Cheetos and Snicker Bar fragments. I'm like, what are you doing? You're trying too hard. Give me the classics. Play the hits. This place is so not hipster that they serve the shittiest coffee on earth. Right. The shittiest.

That coffee was terrible. Oh, and I ordered an iced coffee because I only drink cold drinks. Yeah. And the guy pushed one button. He took my cup, put it under something, pushed it and mocha and like it something dripped out and he went, oh.

And then moved it over to the other one. He goes, I only have French Vanilla. And I was like, I'll have French Vanilla. He filled it up with French Vanilla. It was brown. I took a sip of it and it was mocha. I'm like, what was that first little trickle you put in there, dude?

That shit was like fucking toxic, dude. I was fucking... I put an insulin in another straw and was ripping them both at the same time. I just realized that my leg was like pushing into your leg the entire podcast until you just moved it.

And neither of us gave a shit about it. We're merging. I've sized 42 waist pants on, so it really cuts off the circulation. I have sized 42 pants on, too. Pants swap, pants

swap, pants swap. Just because we're the same size does not mean we should put on each other's pants. You're the guy who's like, I'll shower when we get to Houston.

I did. I showered when I got here because I don't want to have that dirty fucking Austin water. You guys, you guys should... Oh, shut up! The zookeeper. You guys should switch pants and then we can have a photo shoot of before and before.

Does your jeans have stretch in them? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I got to talk... These are denim sweatpants. I'm like... I am truly one year away from sitting up here in like a velour sweatsuit.

I'm so close to just being an extra in the Sopranos already. I might as well just fully lean in and wear like a Sergio Tecchini warm-up suit. We figured out your Sopranos. If you aren't Sopranos, you'd be called Big Italy is what we found out last night. He works in Little Italy, but he's big

on Big Italy. I always thought my name should be Good Fat, like Avocado. That guy, Gabriel, he's Good Fat. He's a Good Fat. I think we should switch pants, but whatever, we'll move on. Speaking of Good Fat,

one of my favorites coming up next, Orange Iced with Sprinkles. This was an order that I thought you were a lunatic for making. There was Cherry Iced, maybe Strawberry Iced. And I wasn't sure because a lot of times at these donut shops, it'll just be

a coloration of the frosting. It's still fundamentally the same flavor as the white frosting, but this definitely had some citrus elements. I really like the orange flavor of this. So far, every donut you said I thought it was quite tasty. I really enjoyed this one though. I mean, the fucking donuts, Mitch, they're tasty.

They're all good. This one was extra good. So you want to go through each one so you can say it was quite tasty 12 times? Don't forget, we got like five other things besides these 12 donuts. I'm sure he found those quite tasty as well. I truly thought you were off the reservation with this order,

and I was like kind of like ready to pull the plug on the whole Dough Boyz operation. I was like, this guy, he's lost it. I took a bite of it. I was like, shit, Weigar doesn't host Dough Boyz. I co-host, sorry. Dough Boyz for no reason. The guy knows his food.

He got his food. He's dying. Yeah. I liked it. I surprisingly liked it a lot too. It was great. It seemed like a Halloween donut or something. It really did. Yeah. It was certainly spooky. The spookiest month

of all, December. I got to stop at least listening to this podcast. All right, let's go. We got a bunch of filled ones. December is the second spookiest month because Christ died. Explain, explain.

It is. I want to hear your logic. Well, the ghosts of Christmas pass. Okay. Future in present. Okay. That's part of the reason why it's cold.

You can freeze. Right. The spookiest thing of all. Cold. And New Year's Eve is a lot of, it's spiritual, you know, yeah. December. December 31st is New Year's Eve. I'll give Mitch this one.

Yeah. New Year's Eve is in January. That's when I celebrate it. All right. You're so close, bro. So close. Again, you shouldn't yell anything at all. But if you're going to yell something,

let it be correct. Yeah, there's a lot of, just a stickler for that. Crisp, you know, there's a lot of, there's a lot of stuff going on. What's spiritual about New Year's Eve? New Year's Eve is not spooky. It's sad because you just watch the ball drop alone every year.

Are you saying me specifically? Yeah, he's right. Yeah. New Year's Eve is a big party. It's a celebration. You do not go to a fucking party. No, I don't. What do you do after New Year's Eve? Do you lower a gun into your mouth? 10.

9. 8. Natalie Spiggles across. 6. May all look where... Ah! Ah! Jesus Christ.

So we had a roster of filled donuts. Blueberry filled, strawberry filled, cream filled, and chocolate cream filled. Wow, you're knocking four or five out right now. Good job. Blueberry filled was the highlight for me. Blueberry filled was fucking awesome. It was great. I think that

blueberry filled was my second favorite donut. I think it was up there for me too. My first favorite hasn't come up yet. Whoa. I'm saving it. I wonder if we have the same first favorite. Oh my God, wouldn't that be... We would have to scissor on stage. What's that sound?

That's two fat perneums smashing together. People are into it. We change careers. Of course people are into it. That would have more hits than any of our podcasts combined. We'd be on chubbarama.net in no time.

And don't ask me how I know what chubbarama.net is. But don't google your own name. But I'll say that bears are creative. They've done some photoshopping of photos of me and Ed made me nude and they always give me

a big fucking hug. And it makes me so bad that I let them stay up. I'm like looking at literally a gay porn site myself and I'm going, looking good, man. So

the filled donuts. Blueberry filled was your... That was the consensus favorite, right? And then we had two more donuts left. Chocolate ice cake, which I maybe should have gotten to when we got to Devil's Food. Similar there. And then the glazed buttermilk cake.

Guys. Was this the consensus? Number one! Wow! Oh! Oh, my God! Out of breath. Both of us out of breath. That was

as swampy as it gets. Mitch and Gabriel... There's moss growing on the outside of my pants. My chair literally gave up when I stood up. They were like, oh, thank God! I think I saw your chair trying to walk towards the exit. My chair got a noose

around its neck in no time. Mitch and Gabriel just started scissoring. And then I feel like you guys are both at 120 beats per minute in the heart rate sense right now. Oh, yeah. My Fitbit. Would be going crazy

if I didn't eat it on the drive. Nick, I'm surprised you didn't get into some self-satisfaction while we were doing it. I was looking on. That was planning. I was doing a little eyes wide shut. Just checking it in visually. Eyes wide shut, standing in the background

in front of too much nudity. This glazed buttermilk cake was something very special. Fantastic. I truly enjoyed that. For me, my top three of these traditional donuts goes glazed buttermilk, blueberry filled.

Wait, what was that? Cinnamon sugar. That's my top three. There is no blueberry cake one. We just didn't get it. We got to go back. All right, do you guys stay here? Yeah, we'll be back 30, 50 minutes.

Tops. Zoo guys, get up here and talk about something. That would be a great moment. It's like everyone's been shouting shit the whole time. We leave and they're all like, Do you think we're allowed to talk now? Yeah, I'd say glazed buttermilk cake. Don't just say donut.

Orange iced with sprinkles and then blueberry filled would be my top three. What are your top three, Mitch? I'd say that the cake one that we just said, I forgot the name of it already. Glazed buttermilk cake. Glazed buttermilk in the blueberry filled were my two... Do I have to have three?

You know glazed buttermilk. Universal donor. It was kind of weird why your fingers looked glazed before we got into the donut shop. God, I got glazed all over my jeans again. The inside.

You don't have a third? It's fine. Um, no. Okay, and we... You know what? I'll give it to that. The other ten are tied for third. I love a chocolate frosting, so I'm kind of torn, but I'll say the orange ice.

That was good. It was a pleasant surprise. I will say the way we ate the donuts was pretty intense when we came in to try them all, and chiplies does not have utensils. We asked for a knife. We couldn't get a knife. We asked for a knife, and a guy effectively said, fuck no.

I was like, are you kidding, man? I'm just trying to not kill myself. And I was like, can I get some creamer from my coffee? Non-dairy creamer, which I didn't even get. It was like demolition, man. It's like powder you put in your fucking cough. They don't have... There's no cream there?

Like in a time when the expectation for the coffee that you'll get from a place like this is so much higher than it used to be, that they're still just giving this hot brown water. That's their coffee, this swill, this like barely drinkable... I took a sip of it and I was like, there's something wrong with this.

Yeah, it's very bad. And then I was like, no, it's sauce. And they have powdered... They don't even have like little cream capsules, which have been in diners and delis for like 30 years. I think delis and Joann Gabris' purse my mom takes creamers from wherever we go. It's like some weird

holdover from being poor. Like we'll just be somewhere... She's like, I gotta put the cream... Jonathan, pass me the creamers. I'm like, mom, don't take any more creamers from here. Jonathan, pass me the fucking creamers. We have like a cabinet in my mom's house growing up that's all styro... She took a sleeve

of styrofoam cups from the hospice my dad was in. Oh my... She's like, they got all these free cups, Jonathan. I'm like, mom, dad is dying. Buy a fucking mug. Jesus Christ.

Coffee was very bad. We got to speed things up a little bit. So we got outside of the dozen donuts, cream filled chocolate bar, cinnamon roll, apple fritter, the apple that was inside that apple fritter I thought was quite nice. I gotta say this, the big ones, the big guys that we got, the big guns, the big boys, they just... I think they were

sitting for too long. I think everything that was thick there that we got didn't come off as good. I thought the cinnamon roll surprised me because I thought the same thing because I was like, oh man, this doesn't feel soft. But then when I ripped off, like the inner layer was pretty bomb. And you guys are experts on big boys that have been sitting for too long.

What do you do? What have you done on this trip? It's gonna be awesome when the show ends and we walk off the stage and it rises like six inches. It cracks its own back. And I thought that, by the way, the name filled chocolate bar is so named

by a caveman. Right. Fill chocolate bar. Sure, man. But it was... I like that thing. I like that thing. I think you and I, classic us, may have eaten all the cream before and it got a bite.

There's no cream left and we were like we had like all in our mustaches. We don't know anything. Nick was sucking it trying to get cream out of it. It was sucking trying to get cream out. Are you and I the twins from that movie Nothing but Trouble? I want Diane!

I'm the big baby diaper guy. No one knows the movie. When you go home, ask your dad or mom about the movie. Doughboy's homework. Watch Nothing but Trouble Tonight. It sucks. It's a shitty movie. Yeah, you guys like this bad show? We're assigning homework now.

I don't like that shit. It's what you suffer through this. Nick, let's get into what we gotta talk about. The collages! Oh my god! Boo! Who's booing? Oh, you fucking heel. I have a question real quick.

Is it Kalachi Singular or Kalachi Singular? Kalachi Singular. Kalachi, so the E is... Two kids ask questions like that. Did you get the answer? I did. I got it. Kalachi is how you say it, right? I'm saying it right? No. No, yes and no. This is my dream. Kalachi is like a savory pastry.

It's so fucking good. Truly my dream. Justin was like, you gotta get the jalapeno sausage cheese. So that's what I went with. Fucking great. That was fantastic. I loved it. I just want to say I had one of each Kalachi. He did. I had three Kalachi's.

He pulled the trifecta. And 12 thirds of a donut. This was very nice to you, Gabriel. A gentleman outside was like, asked, hey, can you buy me a Kalachi? And I was like, I don't want to do it, but then when you went to get it, you also got another one for yourself.

And I didn't want to like walk out with a homeless guy and go, hey, one for you, pal, one for me. Also, when a guy says, can you buy me a Kalachi and you are three people at a table with a hundred items, you kind of go like, yeah, I think we have to. We're all like ripping and eating fucking donuts with our hands.

I'm like, we're done with these toss them in the trash. We threw a ton of donuts away. Kalachi's... Kaibers and I were in the car afterwards. This was a real meat. Oh, you're taking a picture? I thought you were giving us the light. Audience member is just trying to get us off stage.

I'm giving them the light. This sucks. No, something cooler. They were taking a flash photo. That's somebody's aunt. Kaibers and I in the car were like, you know what it reminded me of? And at the same time, we went Bakery Sticks

and then fist bumps and pretended to we were so excited. They remind us of 7-Eleven Bakery Sticks. No one knows them. Are they not Sevs in Texas? No, 7-Elevens. Oh, interest.

Not in Houston, interesting. Oh, my God. 7-Elevens are great, but now you're just going to boom me because I like 7-Elevens. Yeah. Everyone remembers when Hulk took that heel turn by saying he liked 7-Eleven.

Sweet! What do you what do you have? What do you what are the Buckeys? Oh, Buckeys. We saw Buckeys on the drive. Don't those have a giant footprint? Or they're small Buckeys? They're all big.

Yeah, it was like a football stadium parking lot with gas stations. It was insane. Biggest car wash in the world. More people should move to Houston. It's got the biggest car wash

in the world. That's such a funny specific. That could have been my shower on the way back. Instead, you just had that team of zookeepers scrub you with brushes. I roll over, buddy.

Put smelt in your mouth and rub your neck so it goes down. I fuck these Kalachis were fire. They were awesome. I love Kalachis. If you work in an office, fuck bringing a dozen donuts.

Bring a dozen Kalachis. I agree with that. Bring them like flowers in a bouquet. Bring a dozen Kalachis and put them in water on the assistant's desk. It is a thing. We had some great Tex-Mex in Austin,

but having this, I was like, this is the thing of what I've had so far that I'm really going to be craving back in SoCal that I can't really get there. It's a bummer. I really wish they had some version of the Kalachi out there because it's so fucking good and it's such a specific thing.

I think it's really well done here for the scale that they produced. If I can ginzo it up a little bit, it reminds me of like the chicken rolls and sausage pepper rolls of pizzerias, but like done like for a breakfast pastry style, and it's fucking... It's almost hot dog...

Hot dog bun. It's almost like a hot dog bun. It's like, it's so... I love it, but it's... It's a little softer and a... Wait, what? Say hot dog more? Say it again.

Hot dog, what the fuck? There's a black mirror of how I thought being successful as a comedian would be. Say hot dog! Hot dog, yeah! I didn't do it. I didn't do it, boy. Hot dog, mom, popcorn,

Michael Donovan Mitchell. Throwing peanuts at me. That jalapeno sausage one was the one I ate on the car ride after having the other two. And it was full blown slices of pains in there, baby. Well, yeah. It was fucking good.

You thought it was spicier than you thought it was. It was spicier than I expected from like a donut place. For sure. And I like that about it. Also, the ham and cheese one, good, because it's more cheese than the other ones, right? Yeah. That's like the fattest sentence ever.

I was like, this one's good because there's a lot of cheese in it. And I didn't flinch, I went, yeah. Yeah, buddy. Well, let's roll right into our final rankings for... for Shipley Donuts.

I'll start this one off. I really had my expectations surpassed by this place. You know, you look at it from the outside. Especially if you judge that book by its cover. Yes, no, absolutely. We went to a location

and it has kind of a dingy exterior and it reminded me very specifically of like there's a Winchells Donuts that's like on Sunset Boulevard, I think, maybe Hollywood Boulevard in L.A. and it's just like, it looks so shitty from the outside and the offerings,

you know, Winchells is fine but it's like you're not going to have your mind blown by anything that you're getting there. But here, I felt like the Donuts were high quality. I wish we could have gotten them hot because I think they would be a revelation if we got them warm. A hot glazed buttermilk?

Fuck, dude. It'd be fantastic. But the... Fuck better than pussy. I've heard. This is how much I talk during Nick's wrap up. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I also...

Shit. Jesus Christ. I'm all right. But the... Yeah, I thought all the different variations on the standard Donuts were really, really well executed. I mean, better than Krispy Kreme, 100%.

Easily. I was such a Krispy Kreme and my expectations for Krispy Kreme were so high and every time I've eaten there, I've been like, all right, this is fine. This place is great and the Kalachis are so fucking good. I honestly, if they had this in LA, I'd go to get the Kalachis with regularity

and get the Donuts on occasion as well. I can't go lower than four forks for Shipley Donuts. It's great. Oh, boy. I'll dive in here. I'm going to do a split score and then hit it with an average. All right. Oh, boy. Okay.

So for me... Right now, Golden Play Club is on the line. Golden Play Club is on the line. So for me, I really like the Donuts, but I'm not a donut guy. So I got to give on behalf of Donuts three and a half forks. But Kalachis are like a fucking

let me finish the fucking sentence. You think I'm going to sit here and just say something boo-worthy at the end of a show where literally what I say doesn't matter? No. I'm going to get you guys on my side for fuck's sake. I want you to subscribe to High and Mighty. I'm only here to get 50 more listeners.

But on Kalachis alone, I would say five forks. So I'm going to go with four and a half forks. Wow. The math doesn't line up exactly. No. The math does not work out. Yeah, that's not an average.

It should be four and a quarter. Four forks one time. I did the math. I checked it over. And I'm... You know what? I'm sorry I got to do this to be truly honest. The only other thing that they serve there are beverages. And those were hot garbage or cold garbage.

The coffee wasn't on you. And so I'll knock it down to four forks is my final score. Four forks. That's true. That's with coffee, bringing it down. I'd have to make another stop for a cup of Joe because that one's not getting the job done. Go ahead, Mitch.

You smell a golden plate club coming by. You know, when it comes to donuts and breakfast foods, I usually find myself shipping up to Quincy for Dunkin' Donuts. Coastal elite! But...

Wiger's family members here. Good job, buddy. What's wrong with the water, Dick? There's a bug on it. There's a bug on it or in it? No, there's a bug crawling on the outside. Oh, you don't have... Yeah, we got to eat them for strength.

The most... A bug... A tiny, tiny bug. There was a tiny bug. Crawling on your water bottle and you stopped everything and said, There's a bug on it! Flowers for Algernon over here was distracted. Yeah. I can't wait for the downfall.

I think we're in, like, halfway through it. Sorry, continue, Mitch. The cough is a part of it. But... I really, really, really like Shipley. No S that fucks me up. I don't like that. The donuts were great.

The coffee is shit. It sucks. Very bad. But the donuts are really good and if we got them hot, they would have been great. The Kalachkis... How the fuck do you say it? Kalachi. It's only been said 100 times since 4 p.m. today.

Those were... I'm gonna miss not having them. I'm sad. I'm going into the holiday season. In the morning, I open up a box of Kalachkis. Kalachkis. Kalachkis. No.

There's no key in it at all. Key. Kalachi. Kalachi. I open up a hot, fresh box of Kalachkis. I love Dungen Donuts. It's king to me. Come on. I grew up in Quincy.

Oh, you did? You should bring it up on the podcast every once in a while. Did you have any high school friends? Did you lose a bunch of weight once? What kind of man would I be if I went below four forks? Four forks for me. It's in the Golden Plate Club.

Welcome to the Golden Plate Club, Shipley. It's a hand-holding club, too. Congrats, Houston. So we asked that the Shipley location we went to replace one of the three no trespassing signs with a sign that says Golden Plate Club.

Just one. Leave up the other two no trespassing signs. Always a good sign for a restaurant. Also maybe get like a $19 coffee maker from Amazon, like I have at my home, that makes like a 10 times better cup of coffee.

He looked surprised we ordered coffee. It's a donut. Why does it suck so much? The fridge had like three milks and one bottle of water in it. I was like, I guess coffee is what we're drinking. What's that?

We went to a shitty one and it was still a Golden Plate Club. Still worked out. That was our view of Shipley Donuts. It's time for a regular segment. We'll need an audience volunteer for this one. Anyone? I saw a hand shoot up right in the front row.

People are pointing at this channel. I'm excited. Make your way to the stage, sir. This is a segment we call Hot or Not. Oh, Jesus. Me melt on fire Me tongue on fire Feeling hot or not

They see us tasting Their mind is racing Hot or Not If I can steal a phrase from you for a minute, that was problematic. When you sing you sound like a boy who's afraid of a haunted house. You're shaking.

What? I was doing my best. You have such a charisma of a rock band frontman. Imagine you saw Nick Wieger's hair metal band perform. Hey, you know what? If you were around the Long Beach ska punk scene in the mid-90s, you could have seen

my ska band, my other brother Daryl. Wow! My younger brother Daryl. With me playing a little alto sax. Were you like the guy who danced in mighty mighty Boston except you sucked your own dick on stage? You made it almost the whole show.

You've been sitting up here very patiently. You have an excellent beard. This guy's got a shanked and shirt on. He's got a shanked and shirt up there. Our audience volunteer, tell us your name. I'm Eric. One more time? One more man, please.

So we've got what we believe these are actually, I guess, originally from Mexico but this is a treat that I think is enjoyed around these parts of Texas. We've got some takis here. We do well. These are takis zombies.

Zombie nitro. Do you not like zombies or do you not like the chip? Zombie, zombie, zombie. They were ready to sing that immediately. With your arms and your mouth. So this is a green bag.

It's got a scary zombie hand on a superimposed on a yield sign. I would not describe it as very scary. It's a little spooky. Well, considering it's December, the spooky half of them all for the event. The man who's terrified of the ghost of Christmas present

is going to be arbiter of what's spooky or not. They're abanero and cucumber tortilla chips, it says, artificially flavor. We're going to see if these are ones. It also says there's a disclaimer on it. There's a little chilly scale. It says very hot. So we're going to see how these ones rank.

Eric, would you describe yourself as a heat seeker? Do you like a spicy food? Yeah, yeah. Back in high school, you see the hot cheetos and I had a hot cheeto challenge and it was too hot, much too hot. You made it seem like you're a guy who could have a lot of hot food. And then you did the hot cheeto challenge and you're like, too hot, I'm out of here.

I love hot food. One time I ate hot food and I thought it was too hot. Well, Eric. Okay, Eric. Thank you, Eric. You want to give it a lift? Let's dig into these. Mitch and Eric are sharing a bag. Me and Gabriel are sharing a bag.

Gabriel, is this your first time sharing food? Yeah. I'm an over-sharer with everything but food. Wow, the cucumber flavor comes through strong on that. It's pretty strong, yeah. It's weird. It tastes like a fucking mojito in a weird way. It really does. Yeah, it tastes like a craft cocktail. Kind of almost a little citrusy,

especially with the heat. They are spicy as well. They're decently spicy. A lot of times they'll throw an abanero on a bag, but really you're kind of getting a jalapeno level of heat because they're trying to still make it palatable to a wide audience. I feel like these have a little bit of heat,

but they're not like crazy intense. You got to eat a couple, Wagga. I've had two. I've had two at this point. I'll have another one. They're definitely hot, hot. It lingers on your tongue after you eat a couple. Right. So you give it two hots?

No, not too hot. One woman out there gives definitely four. Wait, that's the scale. We rank it from hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, not, not, not, not, not, not. Yeah, I mean, of course I know that. I don't know why I was excited to tell you. I mean, I will say these are good.

They got some heat to them. Because I feel like we got the Cheetos that were supposed to be super hot and they were not really that hot. These are a little hotter. I will say not to be the fat guy here, but a little cider sour cream would go along.

Just a little dab to cool it down and get you a hitchy with a little Darian. You're saying that people do do that? A gun of sour cream. Oh, I bought a sour cream gun at Taco Bell when I was in high school. We bought it off the woman for $35. She was definitely fired.

Oh, yeah. And we were just, it's like a caulking gun of sour cream. It's the fucking best. Is that how you fix things in your house? Yeah. I would say don't get in my bath with your size. I got fucking tafted over here.

I keep jumping on these. These are really, really good. I'm into them. The cucumber flavor is so surprisingly strong. I would say on the scale, I would give these a hot. They're a solid hot. They're not going to singe your tongue, but there's a little bit of heat that definitely lingers. I'd say it's a hot and a half.

Hot hall. How do you pronounce half of the word hot, by the way? H and a half and O. You see. So hot. Hot. Holy shit. I think I got one that was kind of extra spicy.

Or they're hitting me. My question is zombie. I get it huge in American pop culture and the most pop culture, but I don't necessarily need it on food. I'm about to eat. That's true. They're known for brain eating. It's kind of weird.

They're known for being disgusting, dead, bleeding bodies. Let's cut it back on the zombie. I love zombies. Let's cut it back on the zombies. It's a little played out. You know what? Let mummies have the spotlight for a minute. Now, Mitch, to be fair, Mitch,

you're talking about your actual mummy. I love my mummy. They had a mummy movie. It didn't really work out. That was brutal. You know what? How about Wolfman? We haven't seen him in a while. We'd like to see some giants.

Let's get some giants in there. Huh? Oh, Dracula Wolfman giant? Yeah. What? He brings up a valid point. Did we all give our ratings? We got a hot, hot over there.

Definitely hot, hot. Mitch is giving it a hot and a half. I go with a hot. I'm going to go with a single hot as well. Is that where the zombie name comes from? It kind of looked like a zombie finger. Right. It would get slammed in the door.

No, that's signs. Nick's asthma is confusing me. Well, Nick's hand is covered in the green stuff and it's shaking from whatever cold he has. Yeah. It's shaking from having to talk to us and all these people. It's like I jacked off Slimer.

It's just... We don't have nearly enough time to start talking about Slimer. Eric, are you from out here? I'm from Chicago. Whoa, are you visiting? I came here just for this. Oh, hell yeah.

You fucking weirdo. Very strange. I came here just for this. Kills Dwiger. I am the one who knocks. She 1000. It just goes back together. Oh, you're clearly such a loyal fan. And I always like I feel like now if we go to Chicago,

it's like a real fuck you to you. You went out of your way to come to this show and then we'll just come to your home down eventually anyway. Though it's fantastic. You are such a nice man. You're a very nice guy. What's the listen to this shit?

Do you have a Chicago food rec? You definitely have to do Portillo's. Portillo's a guy. How long have you been out in Houston right for this trip? This is my third day here. What's the best thing you've eaten in Houston so far? The best thing I had to be...

It has to be the collage this morning. Wow, another collage endorsement. They're mad? What a tepid reaction because he left one syllable long. Right. We like his answer, but we're mad. Just a door opens and 40 people leave? Yeah.

Big hand for Eric, everybody. Good job, dude. Thank you. Bring the top. Take that bullshit. Hey, take our garbage. Throw that out for me. Just like a restaurant, let's open up the feedback.

We're going to take some audience questions. Did we fuck this up? There's an audience mic right there in the aisle. We'll take a few questions. If you think you have a good one, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have started this while I was chewing. If you think you have a good one, get out probably about three to five or so.

And then if you don't get up there, we are still going to have a meet and greet after the show, so we'll be out in the lobby towards the front, so if you guys want to make an orderly queue, if you want to grab a picture and say hello or whatever, we'll be out there about 10 minutes after the show. But yeah, if anyone has a question,

go ahead and step up to the mic. Don't be shy. Yeah, please don't be shy, but also know if you ask a stupid question, God help you. Yeah. Gabers is going to break you. What's your name, bud? Jack, hi. Hey, Jeff, what's going on?

Jeff, I apologize. Yeah, Jack. Oh, Jack. I said Jack, and then you said Jeff, and I thought it was wrong, and so I apologized, and then I said... Don't yell at Jeff or Jack or whoever he is. All right, what's your question, Dennis?

Hypothetically, if Mario came on the podcast, what chain restaurant would you take him to? Oh, I like that question. That's a good question. I like that question. I mean, you got to think... the natural reaction is someplace Italian. Yeah.

Don't forget that when you're with Mario, you're with family. You say Mario like a Long Island guy. It's Mario, bro. Super Mario, brothers. He's fucking Mario and Luigi, brah. Here's my answer, though. The expectation is you take him to an Italian restaurant.

I say we have Mario evaluate his rival, take him to Sonic. See how he likes their offer. Oh, console wars. Oh, that's funny that you have definitely thought of this before. This is like college friend. Jack, Jeff, whatever it is.

When you get up there... I'm going to pretend not to know your name right off the bat, okay? It will throw people off. You think that was a plant so I could land that ground rules double? Thank you for the question. I agree with Nick. I think Sonic is fun. I take him to the garden.

Olive Garden. Olive Garden, baby. I want to see that dude hammer down breadsticks. Plus, also, if I have Mario with me, I'd be like, can you take a look at my fucking toilet? You would make him do plumbing work? I'm like, I know what you really do. I don't give a shit about this fucking Goomba stuff.

Is this all because people treat you like this back in Long Island? It's because I am a Goomba. What's another fast food Italian place? Thank you, Martin. I step on up. Hi, what's your question? What's your name? Yeah, I take him there.

Pezzolis? We're on to our next question, Mitch. What's the next question? Wait, are you one of the... Who are one of the fucking zoo crew? No, no, no, no. I'm a paramedic. I'm with the zoo crew. Wow, you were letting the zoo crew

talk about how tough their job is, and you're a paramedic? Yeah, keep talking about clean up bird shit. I fucking put humans back together. To be clear, is the zoo crew just the two guys with the backwards caps? Three of them. Oh, there's three of them. Okay, and the Hawaiian shirt.

The Hawaiian shirt. The zoo crew looks like cartoon frat boys. In a pinch, do you think you could do, like, CPR in a Rhesus monkey? They're a mammal. Oh, wow. That was the most Wyger-esque answer you could have had.

Very measured response. What's your question? Have you had Kalachi's anywhere besides Shipley? No, I don't think so. I think this was my first experience. I had a few. A friend of mine... Oh, what the fuck? This is a bombshell? Because it's like a Polish or German food?

Is that correct? Czech. Well, sorry, whatever. Eastern Bloc. Someone brought it when I did a show in Austin once. Someone drove from Dallas and brought a bunch of Kalachi's from Czech Bakery.

And they were fucking awesome. And also in New Zealand, like the sausage roll, I've been to New Zealand a few times, and the sausage roll there is like a huge thing, and it's very similar to a Kalachi. Oh, man. So, yeah, our answers are no, yes and no. Thanks for the question.

Yeah, did you have a follow-up? No, I'm a Houston native, a Texan native, and I have to tell you, Shipley doesn't do that good a job. Oh, wow. I tell you, if that's the case, I'd like to have the authentic version, because those are pretty darn good.

Folks, he'll be at the end of the line. You can beat the shit out of him if you want to. And then he could give himself first aid. Three more questions we can get through this. Hi, what's your name? Hi. Hi, how are you? Quick question. Okay, go ahead.

I look like Shipley's. Yeah, you were booing behind him, too. Yeah, I was. I'm not from here, so... What's your name? Anastasia. So, this is where you ask the question. So, this is where I ask the question.

So, like, what if accidentally you pooped your pants? What would you do? Would you, like, go for the door? On stage, if we shit our pants? Yeah, where would you go? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How good of a sense of smell do you have?

Okay. How'd you know? Yeah, you're presenting this to the three of us, like, this is a hypothetical. Do you have a diaper? Do you have a diaper? Gavress has shit on the hour, every hour today. I've shit my pants

10 times since I turned 30. Who wipes it? Who wipes it? What's your question? If hypothetically one of us shits our pants... Here's what I would do. If someone stood up in line to ask this... Here's what I would do.

Look, I don't necessarily have a lot of things that I can do with any particular skill, but one thing I am good at is I can perform well in a crisis. I just focus in. You are giving way too good of an answer today. That must come up so often as a comedy writer.

So if I'm in a crisis, if I poop my pants, I think I'd very orderly excuse myself and sort of make my way down the aisle. I'd clean myself up to the best of my ability probably using my underwear and throw those into the trash and they may wave back to the stage.

To answer your question, I would make a big deal about it because that's how I deal with anything in my life. It's harness it for my own power. You talk about it a lot and then switch pants with Mitch. I would sit in it and get crankier and fussier

as the show went on. Well, then you'd definitely shit your pants at, like, minute four. Then I'd fly back to Boston and have my mom change me. All right. Thank you, Anastasia. I love it. Anastasia, be safe tonight.

Hi, what's your name? What's your question? I love you, too. I'm Brian. Hi, Brian. I just want to start while I was waiting in line. Nick, your hands are still uncomfortably green. So, right? If you want to use my shirt, you can feel free. What the fuck? I'm not going to wipe on your shirt.

Yeah, right. We've seen this guy. He's got a hyper-specific fetish. He saw us in and was like, I'm going for it. We got two fucking... One girl's into people's shit in their pants. This guy wants shit wiped on him. Houston, you freaky city.

No, I... I honestly had a question from a guy yesterday in Austin who's self-identified by the name Be Strange. And these questions are more fucked up than what he asked. Be Strange, who then admitted after the show he had never seen it.

What our favorite dinosaur was. Be Strange was more normal than you guys. Well, no, my question. I'll just go ahead and address the elephant in the room. Nick, after five beers, how much... Two elephants in the room. How much do you regret your stunning admission

at the end of Gabriel's High and Mighty episode for... Wow. So, you want to address the elephant trunk in the room. The trunk in the room. I'm not going to get into it, but if you guys want to listen to Gabriel's excellent podcast,

we did a High and Mighty power hour with some very funny people. Nicole Beyer, Billy Scafuri, Meno Gapien, and we drank a shot of beer every minute for 60 minutes, and we got quite drunk, and I revealed something that some people have had some reactions to.

But it's truthful, and I'm perhaps a little perhaps a little embarrassed about it. Do it. Subscribe to the double if you want to see it. You should... Yeah, listen to Gabriel's podcast, because it's good,

but also, do I regret saying that? Yeah, but what can I do? What do I do? I don't know. Thanks for the question, Brandon. Well, it's the coolest thing you can do, honestly. It's awesome. Hi, tell us your name and give us your question.

My name's Cody. I have a food-related question. Wow, Cody. World Champion. Congratulations. You guys deserve it. Congratulations. How about that? And also,

there's my dude back there with a Celtics jersey on. I spotted it all the way from fucking here. Oh, shut the fuck up. Why would you do that? Fuck Boston! That's something I can agree with Houston on. You can't for one second

let this hell. Yeah, dude. I saw you. Congrats to the Astros. It was great. It was fucking awesome. It was great. They beat the X. They did beat the Yankees. Sorry, I cut you off. What was your question? It's a deep brown jersey. You don't get that excited.

It's a deep brown jersey. Wait, is that what you said? Hey, deep brown won the dunk contest. That was pretty cool. Oh, it's Shailen Brown. Oh, okay. I'm very excited about that. My question is, it's a food question,

so I have a relative who eats plain noodles with butter, which is strange, and Mitch has said that one of his favorite pieces is a cheese pizza. Every pizza is a cheese pizza, right? Hold on a second. Sure, I guess.

I guess, dude. If you're including grandma slices, not exactly. Is there food stuff you like that is plain with nothing else on it that stands alone? I have an answer.

I have an answer, white rice. I love just... That's the least surprising answer you could possibly have had. I love really well done steamed white rice. I put it right in my food hole and enjoy masticin'.

It's great. What do you guys think? Any plain boys? I'm going another way. A starch. That's a complete another one. Mash potatoes. Look, I know that's maybe cheating, because there's butter in them,

but mash potatoes, you're going to eat them straight up with no gravy. To answer your question, I love a cheeseburger. I know that counts as an ad cheese, but if you give me a burger, two buns, and a nice patty, I'm sold. Yeah, wimpy style.

I gladly pay you for a burger today. Excellent question. Thank you very much, sir. Congrats on the series. If you out there have a food that you like without anything on it, hashtag just plain good. Let us know. We're just about out of time.

We're out of time. I just wanted to say that it's an honor and privilege. One of my best friends and one of the funniest guys in the world, Harris Whittles, grew up in Houston. And it's an honor and a privilege to be here to perform in front of some of the people that he loved and some of his family,

and we love him and we miss him every day. Thank you. One of the best funniest guys, and absolutely they know how much he meant to you, Mitch, and it was a huge loss, but you know, on that note, thank you guys for coming out. Thank you so much.

We love you. Thank you for coming out. We love you, Harris. Guys, that's it for this episode. We'll be at the meet and greet in the lobby. Guys, give it up for John Gabriel. Big thanks to the secret group. Until next time, for the Spoonman, Mike Mitchell, I'm Nick Weigher. Happy eating!

Thank you. See ya. Later, Houston. To receive the Doe Boys Double every week, join the Golden Plate Club at patreon.com.