Doughboys - Sizzle Pie with Bill Oakley (LIVE)

Episode Date: April 4, 2019

Writer and producer Bill Oakley (Disenchantment, The Simpsons) returns to the show for a review of Portland-native pizza chain Sizzle Pie. Plus, a live edition of The Wiger Challenge. Recorded live at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. General's gathered in their masses, just like witches at black masses. Evil minds that plot destruction, sorcerer of death's construction. These lyrics are excerpted from the 1970s song Warpigs by Black Sabbath. The UK act, fronted by Ozzy Osbourne, a soaring vocalist and shock performance artist akin to a TV 14 Gigi Allen, was arguably the most groundbreaking band in heavy metal. Incorporating imagery associated with witchcraft, the occult, and even Satanism into their lyrics and aesthetic, Sabbath sparked a hellfire of controversy

about what critics called devil music. The band's actual messaging was often strightly leftist. Another burst in Warpigs reads, politicians hide themselves away. They only start at the war. Why should they go out to fight? They leave that role to the poor. So one might infer the media's focus on devilry was a politically convenient way to shield youths from the unwelcome ideology of anti-imperialism. But there are many controversies that only amplified their already amplified music.

And Black Sabbath would influence genre stalwarts like Iron Maiden, Guns N' Roses, and Metallica, whose founder James Hetfield once said, Sabbath got me started on all that evil sounding shit. And as with all music once deemed too dangerous, from the baroque compositions of J.S. Bach to the big band swing of the Duke Ellington Orchestra, as its fans aged and settled down, heavy metal eventually became accessible, sanitized, and even quaint. Ozzy Osbourne morphed into the doddering centerpiece of an MTV reality show based around his domestic life.

Metallica cut their hair, shopped at Armani, and testified before Congress to decry the difficulty of monetizing downloadable music. And in 2011 in Portland, Oregon, the city that spawned esteemed metal bands like Agilok, Red Fang, and Toxic Holocaust, Avid Metalheads Mikey McKennedy and Matt Jacobson used the once-taboo genre as the theming for a restaurant built around their other passion, pizza. Admitted novices to the kitchen, in an interview with the Oregonian, Jacobson continued, quote, I've never made pizza before in my life.

The duo ably summoned the kitchen staff to execute their vision of a Rip City slice and salad joint. Powered by loaded pizzas with metal-influenced names like Napalm Breath and Buffalo 666, they parlayed their first location, located in an area once colorfully dubbed Heroine Alley, into their current tally of eight restaurants across greater Portland. And though an attempt to establish outposts in the pizza elitist enclave of Brooklyn failed, they have successfully expanded to Eugene, Reno, and Seattle, home of the decidedly un-metal Niles and Frazier Crane. As for McKennedy and Jacobson's philosophy, it can be found in the company's slogan,

which could be a weird outtake on Sabbath, Death to False Pizza. This week on Doe Boys, Sizzle Pie. Welcome to Doe Boys. How you doing out there, Portland? Thank you for cheering at that, buying me some time to unlock my laptop. Someone threw this up on stage, and I'm not sure, I assume people haven't seen what it is. It looks like a children's drawing of, I mean, it's a Dracula. We got a Dracula here.

He's holding a flag that says Burger Boy. Someone wrote their name, I guess, across it, Lucille. They drew another bat here, and then wrote Nick Weiger, and he's on a boat? I don't know what's going on. I don't know why Dracula is... Why is Dracula on a boat? This is me, okay. My daughter is four. Your daughter is four, and she colored this?

Well, this is lovely. Thank you so much. Thank you to Lucille. The flip side, Lucille did a lovely job of coloring this mermaid here, this mermaid creature with a bunch of tentacles, and underneath his scrawled U-Song, he did nothing wrong. So shout out to our producer, U-Song, for that. Guys, we have a wonderful, wonderful show ahead of you, and before we go any further, this week's roast is courtesy of Thomas S. Let me introduce my co-host, the mayor of Rip City.

Rip being the sound it makes anytime he tries on a new pair of pants, give it up for the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell! Give it up for the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell! MUSIC Thomas S. Thomas what, you coward? LAUGHING You guys missed, Nick, nervously asking how to pronounce metal band's names backstage.

How do you say this band's name? I was like, I don't know. I asked a half dozen people, no one knew. Did I say it right, Agilok? I did say it right, okay. Wow. I shouldn't have doubted myself. Rock on, dude. LAUGHING Your dry breakdown of heavy metal lyrics was great.

Hey, you know. Another nail in the coffin of heavy metal. LAUGHING Pete, with this episode releases and metal is just like, well, close up shop, boys. That's it. Had a nice run. Counterculture for a while, but no, it's over. Why are you so confused by Dracula on a boat?

LAUGHING Hotel Transylvania III takes place on a cruise ship. It makes sense. I should have seen it. You probably saw it because it's a Sandler movie. Oh, yeah, baby. I've never seen any of the Hotel Transylvania series. I will say that there is a billboard for Hotel Transylvania.

I think it was for three. It might have been for two. And the mummy is being, like, unraveled. And then you see, like, his exposed butt. So it's funny. I mean, it's funny. But it's also, like, what is this movie? Like, the mummy is gonna get... I don't like to think of what's underneath the mummy.

You know, like, the layers of bandages? How long were you standing there staring at this sign? Look, the bus stop where I was waiting had the billboard there, and it was there for a period of weeks, so I studied it quite a bit. And I tried to figure out what was going on. It had a tagline associated with it, too.

I can't recall the tagline off the top of my head. But it's all I know of those movies. I really should check them out. Here's the thing. Yeah. Portland is the place where a year ago... When was it? Two years ago? That we got the Hooper driver from Transylvania. Oh, my God. Do you remember? That's right. The Dracula Defender.

The Dracula Defender. He's a straight-up Dracula stan. He was like... I don't know if people know that. We were like Dracula, like, do you see any bats or anything like that in Transylvania? He was like, Dracula's not that bad. Yeah, he's like...

He was being nice to Dracula. There's a reason he says bleh. There's a reason he does that. Alright, man, calm down. He was very pro... Yeah, he was pro Vlad the Impaler. He was, yeah. He said that Vlad got a bad rap. This is true.

It's a weird town you guys have here. Let's not put it all... Let's not say all of Portland we're going to judge by this one Dracula fan, Uber driver. I think it's that representative of the entire city. It seems like there's a lot of Dracula fans in the audience tonight. See?

Here's what I want... Yeah. Well, what? What do you want to say? I want to know about the Hotel Transylvania cruise ship thing. Oh, my God. Just rent it tonight when you go home. Which you were going to go home at about 10.30. Yeah. Is the... I don't have time to watch a movie

before I hit the hay. I watch it on the plane tomorrow. The... Because Dracula's can't go out during the day. Yeah. And when I think of a cruise ship, I mean obviously there's a day-night cycle in reality. That's the joke of this. What's going on here?

No, but what is he doing? How is he out on a boat? How is he out on the deck of a ship? It's a party at night. That's what I'm wondering about. Monster's party at night. I know this. I'm a monster. Shout out to the monster squad out there. Oh, and also...

Dispunation. Let's play it. Let's play it. Let's play a drop for everybody. I'd love to be stuck in a tropical island and there's lagoons and there's treasure. The dolphins were, like, attracted to me. The dolphins wanted to have sex with me.

Whoa, look at this dolphin. It's like piking me and it's swimming by me. Then there was, like, six dolphins around me. They were pulling me under, kind of. I was abused by those dolphins. More and more dolphins started coming. I have a weird dolphin fetish now after all those years.

That was... That was one of the drop kings, Robert Persinger from Seattle. He's here, I think. Are you here, Persinger? We're gonna kick your ass after this. Yeah, fuck you for making so much free content for us. The consistent source of some of the few laughs

on this awful podcast. Fuck you. We went to a... We had a nice little dinner date last night. We went over to a restaurant here called Tasty & Alder. Tasty & Alder. Okay, some enthusiasm for Tasty & Alder.

Nice spot. Our doorman told us not to go. It was weird. Our doorman. Jesus Christ. Our doorman back in LA told us not to go. I have a doorman that's outside Palmerston. He told us that it was kind of over-hyped.

The guy at the hotel who was working in the lobby. He was not pro Tasty & Alder, but we did get some people who were in favor of it. So we were like, well, we'll take a gamble on this place, walked over to it. I thought we had a lovely meal. You were wearing your Celtics... I was wearing the exact same outfit.

Did you take your clothes off at any point between the last night and the day? Just sleeping at your shoes? I changed the big three. Socks, underwear and undershirt. I changed all three of them. Right? Right?

They can back you up. They get it. I get what you're saying about big three. It's hard to argue with that. It's probably the big three. Undergarments. Have you classified them all as one thing? Socks and undershirt. Yes, but you're wearing the same thing.

Yes. There was a little white spot here that I cleaned off. Hold on a second. I had spilled food on myself and I used, like, toilet paper to clean it off and then it just turned into a white blob. And so it did look like I had been masturbating. And I didn't care until last night.

I said, for the show, I'm going to wipe off this thing like a semen's thing. For you guys, for Portland. Mitch, our listeners can't see this, but everyone here saw that you made a pretty tightly clenched fist when you were doing that masturbation gesture. Did I even do that?

I gestured? You weren't aware? What? It was subconscious. That was a subconscious. That was insane. Anytime your hands are idle for, like, 20 minutes, they just start doing that naturally.

My fist is usually, like, if you're holding onto a straw and you don't want liquid to go through it. But a couple from Boston noticed your sweatshirt. They didn't focus on the white stain. They just focused that they saw you as a Celtics fan.

We had a lovely conversation with them. I think they were swingers. I swear to God. It seemed very much like a swinger thing. I was just waiting for the guy to just be like, this guy going to fuck my wife or what? Because she was talking to you

and I was talking to the husband. Yes, for 45 minutes. For, like, 45 minutes. Just intense conversation. I felt so bad for the husband, yeah. It feels like we're in my aunt's house in this setup here. These chairs are very strange.

We've got these chairs that have a very distinct print on them and then we've got one in the middle for our guest who's going to come out here in a second. Yeah, it's eclectic. It's an eclectic stage picture. We had a nice fern behind you. What's that? There's a fern, like, behind you.

Oh, yeah, what the fuck? Are people cheering for that thing? I didn't notice that. That's nice. I don't like that there's something more charismatic than me out here. People are going to be asking autographs right at the end of the show. We got a few things we got there.

Beyond the lengthy conversations, the two of us sat down. We got the chips and dip, which I thought was nice. Here's the thing. This was your observation. Yeah. So this was like a plus-dup potato chip with a sour cream and onion dip. Sour cream and onion dip, an underrated dip.

You don't see a plus-dup version of it very often. It was nice to see that on a menu. Not on board with us, but it's true. It's a good dip. People like the plant more. No one here likes sour cream and onion dip. So-so. I don't know.

I thought it was an interesting thing to have on the menu. We got a steak and a salmon. The cedar plank salmon with a little salsa verde. Cedar plank salmon, some people might say that's the thing I've seen on menus for a while, but this was a really nice execution of it. The salsa verde, I thought, gave it some great flavor. Here's what was a standard menu item

that I was surprised by. The grilled broccolini. As we've mentioned, a lot of times you get broccolini on a menu. It's the same everywhere. It's just like the same sort of, like, maybe lightly dusted with some parmesan. It's got a little bit of lemon on there, maybe a little bit of olive oil.

This one had, like, a nice, like, a manchego cheese and it had, like, a little tomato sauce to it. It was good. It was excellent. It was very good. We went back and we told the dormitory, he's like, where'd you end up going? We were like, we went to Tasty and Alder, and he was like, oh.

He was, like, mad at us. He specifically told us, like, there's better food around here. We went there anyway. We should have just lied to him. We should have lied to him because then he was like, what do you think? We were like, we loved it. And he was like, hmm, okay. He was mad at us. Suspicious of us. Mitch, one other thing we should touch on real quick

before we bring our guest out here who we're very, very excited to have. So we changed up what chain we were going to review this week. That was... So we were going to originally review Burgerville. And what we understand is, okay, okay,

we're going to divide a crowd on this. We understand that it's a chain that a lot of people like up here. However, we were unaware that there's this ongoing labor dispute. And that the Burgerville Union is calling for a boycott right now. That's right.

They reached out to us. They were very nice and very understanding and explained things in very clear terms. So yeah, we decided to change it up. We're not doing Burgerville. It's a contract. That's true.

And I also can't explain to you how confused I was when Nick said the Burger Union guys want to talk to us. I was like, what? What's... You mean Grimace? Like... Grimace came over and broke Weiger's fingers.

You better not be going to Burgerville. That's how Grimace sounds now. I guess so. Now he does. God. Well, hey Mitch. All that aside, let's introduce our guest. You know him as Instagram's premier fast food critic.

He's also a writer and producer from Disenchantment, Mission Hill and The Simpsons. Give it up for Bill Oakley! Little Frankenstein up there. Hey, we're talking about Hotel Transylvania and you're walking out to Frankenstein. How about that? We've got a theme here tonight with this satanic stuff

that you're talking about. Wow, Nick, what a connection there. I was teeing you up. You had a question related to Frankenstein, the Edgar Winter Band song. An episode 3F21 of The Simpsons. Original air date May 19th, 19th. Home or Palooza.

Come on, goddammit. Great episode. Home or Palooza didn't have any ferns. We don't like it. Home. Hey, between one fern, am I right? Jesus. Besides one fern, I guess. Uh,

I guess. I guess. I guess. I guess. I liked it. Um, Homer in a flashback at Home or Palooza, he, uh,

he goes up to the second base mobile and Frankenstein is playing. Was that your influence, that song being in the episode? I mean, Josh and I have always loved that. This is the song that, like, the guys who were nine years older than us, that were super, you know, like, Wooderson in Days in Confused.

Those guys played that kind of song. So, to us, it held a, it wasn't just that scene. We used it over and over again, and I actually used it in one of my earliest fast food review videos. And so, like, it holds a certain mystique. It's great. The song rocks.

It's a great song. Thank you. Frankenstein, I relate to the most of all the monsters. I'm a very Frankenstein-like man. Right. Uh, Steve Walkstiffley, terrified of fire. Go on. Uh,

threw a little girl in the lake. I was going to say that, but I didn't think it would be appropriate. She had a cumbria. She's a Rams fan. Happened at the Super Bowl. What? I made it too real? Bill, you've lived in Portland for a while.

How long have you lived here now? 10 years. A decade. A decade in Rip City. I'm curious, because we've touched on it, and we're going to get to one of them in a second, because this was a recommendation that you made that wasn't the chain we're reviewing,

but it's a place that Mitch and I went to today. But I'm curious about some of your favorite local eats in this city. Um, you know, it's, I don't want to leave anybody out. And I do have, I would say, like, I got my favorite burgers right now, my favorite burger, Stevens, Super Deluxe,

and Hit the Spot. Um, and, and those like, but I also like Killer Burger and Stupid Burger quite a bit. Um, I keep you know, I keep those going around. Um, I really like, uh, Russell Street Barbecue, original location. Oh wow. Um, you know, I eat a lot of stuff like that.

I like Laurel Horse Market, when I'm feeling fancy and upscale. Um, and I like Karnard, although I've only eaten that one thing there. Well, I think we're going to touch on that in a moment. Um, and, uh... Let me see, that's... Those are my favorite ones, and I don't want to... If I start going down into level two,

I'm going to have to name 2,000 places, so I don't want to do that. Right. Mitch, you're te... Who are you texting? I was looking up for some food. I think we might go to Spice's Gentlemen's Club later. Um... I just read they had amazing food. Um, you, uh... Wait, you mentioned Karnard,

which is the place we went to. Uh, and this was, this was your recommendation while we were eating pizza. And we were very full of pizza, Mitch and I, but we still went over there. We made the sojourn a half block and sat down there to get an item called the steam burger. And this is a...

This is basically... How would you describe it? Okay, I got to say, I can't take credit for this. Yeah. This was Mike Russell, who's the food critic for the Oregonian, named it the best new burger of last year, and he took me there. Right. He tried this, and it just blew my mind. Yeah. I mean, it's basically...

Gabe Rucker, who runs that restaurant, it's their approximation of a White Castle burger. But it is unbelievably good. And I actually wrote an article about this and several similar burgers in the Willamette Week this week. Like, our approximations of fast food far outshine all their original inspirations. And that particular one, I think, is the king

of all of them. I mean, you tell me what you thought of it. It's basically... So White Castle is the derivation, which is... I haven't had the White Castle original. I've never... I mean, I've had it in the frozen food section, right? That's not the real thing. I believe the frozen one is actually better than the original one. Wow!

Like, people from New Jersey have been giving me a lot of shit for that, but, like, I've never had one in the wild, right? That was... Some people were mad. There was some grumbling. There's always some grumbling when you don't love somebody's favorite food item, as you guys know.

Right. But the microwave ones are at least as good as many of the ones sold in the restaurant. I'll go to the mat for that. Right. Interesting. So this one has... This is basically that. It's got those sautéed onions, those cut-up onions.

It's small. It's modest. I mean, for $6, you're getting something that's basically on a Hawaiian roll. Like, it's like a dinner roll size bun. But it's a fucking tasty bite. Oh, my God, it's so good. My only issue with it was our waitress was like,

you guys know what's small, right? And I was like, yeah, I know it's fucking small. I get it. She was also like, sir, you can't pay me Tuesday for this hamburger today. She did not think I was wimpy.

Um, do you know the frozen... the frozen White Castle burgers, the burgers that always make me get a plastic bag at 7-Eleven because I'm too embarrassed to walk the five feet from the store to my car. Oh, wow.

I have to have it covered up by something. Like, I also... It's also like, I think I like you. Well, like, I'll buy, like, detergent. Like, White Castle burgers into detergent. They're like, you're gonna eat those in five seconds, which I do. I go home and I eat two of them, usually. You're so embarrassed of buying White Castles

that you, like, get a copy of Swank Magazine that you can tuck it in between. I've never heard somebody... I've never heard such a sad story. You shouldn't be embarrassed to buy those. I buy them with gay abandon. In the supermarket, I go up, I march up to them and insist they bring them up and walk out proudly,

displaying my box of White Castle burgers. I don't know. That's the way it should be. That's true. I should hold them in the air. I will say... There'll be a line of fat guys following me. I will say, I went to a convenience store this morning, and this was like 9 a.m.

I slept in a little. And they had a... I was just getting some bottled water and this gentleman in a... This construction worker comes in and orders... They have hot food at this convenience store. He orders four corn dogs.

Like it's a breakfast. He ordered four corn dogs and was getting a Gatorade and then he said... He said, it's gonna kill me someday. This was clearly like a routine of his. Are you sure he wasn't talking to the lady at the counter? He's gonna kill me someday. I'm referring to you, the creep buying one bottle of water

at 9 a.m. I got a banana, too. Ah, Minion style. Yeah, Mitch Minion style. I got a banana. Hold on a second. You can't even understand Hotel Transmenial 3.

But you openly quote Minions constantly. What is the difference between the two? I'm just saying from what I know of the lore involving the universal monsters who are the basis for the Hotel Transylvania franchise,

it seems a little confusing. And the Minions have their own... They're their own thing. Minions are confusing. They're yellow things. But they're funny and they're cute. They're like funny and cute.

They're kind of confusing because it's like have they existed since the beginning of time? You look back at the Minions movie, you go back and it's like... They appear to be asexual. They appear not to reproduce. They appear to be immortal. They appear to just live for

millennial, millenniums. Are you part of the Minion species? Because I have a generic sounding name, Nick. Some Minions are named. They're like Stuart and Kevin and Bob. They just have normal people's name. No, I'm not a Minion. I'm a man.

I'm a human man. I know, I know you're a man. If I was a Minion, this podcast would sound like a-ba-da-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Potato. And then I'd fall in love with a fire hydrant, mistaking it for a lady Minion.

Did you just extemporaneously do that, or have you been practicing it for weeks? Sort of as muttering to myself backstage. Tell me about Super Deluxe because I know this is like one of the new hotness as far as burger chains. I keep... I don't know if it's a burger chain

or if it's an individual location, but people are like really talking up Super Deluxe right now. It's the only one of these places with the drive-thru. I mean... The drive-thru is around the restaurant almost every day, including for breakfast. And I would say that they make a shake shack style burger, which is

kind of like the burger that's been in vogue for years now, which is kind of like the smashed burger with a little bit of crust. That's also what they make at Burger Stevens and hit the spot. There's other places. But this is the one place where you can actually just drive up and get one fast. And so it's a fast food restaurant by

the guy who also started Blue Star Donuts and Little Big Burger and so forth, and they have a very small menu of these burgers, and I believe some chicken stuff and some shakes, and that's it. I guess it's weird because it looks like it's a chain, a national chain

and it simulates going to a national chain, but it's not. There's only that one. This is like the Willy Wonka of Portland this guy. Definitely. Well, it's a long, complicated story that I can't get into here, but yeah, I think you're right. He said

he did Blue Star Donuts. I think there's groups of people that start restaurants and then leave and sell part of them. He's got like five or six restaurants. Oh wow, that's crazy. Should we have done that instead of sizzle pie? Well, there's only that one. I mean, you guys do

chains, right? If we're only going to restaurants where there was a single one, I could have recommended 99 of them in Portland, but this was, we were trying to do a chain. We got some nice people. They were explaining the premise of the podcast to my co-host. I

think now he finally understands it. We got some nice applause for supporting the Burgerville thing, but what you guys don't know is that I was talking to these guys about putting on a big disguise and walking into Burgerville. I'm not going to actually do it for God's sakes. But Burgerville seems to be

one of the places out here that people really do enjoy. It's a place that I've heard or divisive still, I guess. I thought we were not reviewing Burgerville. We won't, we won't. I have opinions about Burgerville, but I'm not going to share them on this podcast because we're

recording Burgerville. Wow, I love it. I agree, I agree with that. That's called Solidarity, folks. I want to touch on Blue Star Donuts, which you mentioned, and which I happened to go to this morning. There's a whole bunch of them just right back there, too. There's a whole bunch, yeah, there's a number of

them. There's a few in LA, but I've never been to the one, I've never been to one in LA, so this is my first, my maiden voyage to Blue Star Donuts. I got the Hard Apple Cider Fritter, which is an Apple Cinnamon Coriander. Oh, some Fritter enthusiasts. How about that? And

it's got like a Hard Apple Cider Glaze, which gave it just like a nice little tang. Did you just lick it off and toss the donut away? No, Mitch, I'm not the high functioning alcoholic you characterize me as. Yes, I'm a little bit more through my brew dog than you are.

And I think you've droopled me up on drinks last night at the dinner. Anyway, yeah, this was a very nice fritter. It was very nice, you know, like I like a warm donut ideally, but like as room temp donuts go. I thought this was really good and it was as far as a

there's another place that I've had, which is I think it's Southern California in origin. Oh, fuck, now I forgot the name of it. Fuck, I go there all the time. Sidecar donuts. And Sidecar Donuts, okay. Sidecar Donuts is real nice, but this was definitely, it was on par with that. A little bit more expensive than you would at a

just a normal generic donut place, but you know, I think worth the extra price. And good coffees, quality coffee. I will say, not a place for a man to sit or stand. I was just like, I had to, I was just like so. What? There was not a place for a man to sit or stand.

It was like so clogged. There was no room for me. I hope you were yelling this in the restaurant. There's not a place for a man to sit or stand. But I think that speaks to its earn popularity that it was a very nice donut. Do you have any opinions on Blue Star Donuts? I don't really care for donuts in general,

but I will tell you that I like, I want to tell you guys about- How did you ever write Homer? Oh my god. Jesus. This is off to the minute. Portland thing. The Blue Star Donuts on Hawthorne recently left move to division and now Friday I'm in love is in that very space and it is terrific. Wow. That like, that used to be a food

cart just right down the street and now it has become brick and mortar and I wish them the best because their sandwiches are amazing and I'm delighted to have them there. Blue Star Donuts is very good also as well, but I have a thing where if I eat a lot of sugar it makes me go to sleep really fast. So I don't eat a lot of sugar in general,

which is like, I'm more about the savories. Got it. Yeah. By the way, Friday I'm in love, like that's like an all-timer as far as pun. Oh my god. Their whole menu is still with puns. You guys should check this place out. It's really good. It's all about the breakfast sandwiches, but they're all day long and it,

I think they've perfected the menu over years as a food cart. It's really impressive. Is it all day breakfast? Yeah. Yeah. Let's get into, let's get into Sizzle Pie. So this place opened as recently as 2011. It's kind of the

the aesthetic inside it. To me, like this, the place this reminded me of inside is a rock and bruise. It's kind of like like very, you know what I mean? It's just like the coloration stuff. It's not as on the nose as like a hard rock cafe, but it very much is kind of in like this. We're vaguely referencing an edgy rock club,

like skateboards on the wall, that sort of stuff. How do people feel about Sizzle Pie? What's the, what's the, you know what, Sizzle Pie? All right. It was very, it was very divisive when we were when we were talking to people just around town. How about

hashtag Sizzle Pie guy or girl or person? And if anyone who doesn't like it, hashtag Fizzle Pie. Oh, there's more Fizzle Pires out there. There's some Fizzle Pire and it was his. Here's my issue. Yeah, with any sort of like rock.

I don't want to rock and roll and eat ever. I'm never in the mood to rock and roll while I'm like stuffing a piece of pizza in my face. It depresses me. Does this make sense? Yeah. No, that's a good point. It is. Don't think about like banging your head

and getting into the mosh pit and also eating like a bunch of wings. It's like incongruous. You're right about like we're backstage with guns and roses and like we're all eating like footlong meatball subs. That's not fun.

Right. Iron Maiden's about to play the entirety of one of their concept albums, but first they're going to eat a big tray of spinach lasagna. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. You don't think of Slayer's

discography and wolfing down a bunch of Pena Alfredo. Like it is. Yeah. Oh, I take it back when I criticize you about not knowing metal. You know all of Slayer's discography. So you order at the counter.

They get by the slice options. You bust your own table. I consulted with a few locals over the course of this visit. Some intentionally and one was was someone who was chimed in of their own volition and I'll leave with that one. So on the

plane, on the plane up here I was using my laptop prepping for this episode, you know, doing my research and what's what not. Oh god. A few Wikipedia tabs open, NBD. Wow, what a hero. And the woman across the aisle from me says excuse me

why do you keep looking at sizzle pie? That place is garbage. Very, like very, very anti sizzle pie. And also are you running all three Minions movies at once, sir? So four Minions movies. Jesus, sorry.

Thank you. Four Minions movies. Thank you very much. And then so like apparently she ended up being a someone who is a chef, has a restaurant of some renown up here that I will not name because I don't want to, I don't know if shit talking is a thing, like it's like in the

entertainment industry where you don't want to shit talk your friend's show and have them know about it because you might encounter them in some sort of function. Do we have the initials? I'm not going to give the initials. I'll tell you backstage. All right. But then anyway, so we talked a little bit, I had to explain why I'm going

up to Portland to eat at this restaurant that she did not like. And so I eventually said like, yeah, we have this podcast, we're going to review this place. And then she said, let me know what the name of the podcast is so I can not listen to it. Wow. Yeah.

Wow. Then with the strength of a mama ox whose child, whose baby is trapped, she opened the emergency exit door and she jumped out of the fucking plane. I mean, she's right. Can I get argue with that? Hold on a second. I'm just going to say this. She seems

mean. I think she was a little, yeah, I think that, but I think it was also like, it was like that aserbic sort of like, like, I'm kind of a, you know, I'm kind of a, that's my thing, you know. Okay. Oh, never mind. Playfully mean. You know what I mean?

Playfully mean. Maybe. I don't know. And so a hotel worker we talked to, I believe, is a listener of the podcast said about sizzle pie, like, it's fine, right? Like, we had this conversation was just kind of like very, very non plus by it, non plus. I used that

wrong. Non plus means confused. Jesus. Shouldn't have said non plus there. You guys, get off my back. Are you guys excited that you came out to the show tonight to see Nick work non plus out on stage? Look, I know I'm going to have some pedantic vocabulary types in my Twitter mentions.

I just want to nip it in the bud. And the Uber driver who took us to the restaurant was a big fan. Love the slice and salad combo, which did seem like a good value if you want to, he had, he had a cool car. So that gives him points. He had a Hyundai Genesis endorsed by LeBron James. Oh, fuck.

I got tricked. Hey, I'm all about Rip City, baby. You're wearing a Celtics hoodie. And if I have to root for another team, it's the trailblazers. They got a good set. They got a good chance of upsetting this year, Nick. Upsetting who? The league.

So, uh, this place, I will say, was very crowded for a pizza restaurant, a dining pizza restaurant, 1130 on a Saturday. Time out a second. What the hell's going on? Why, why was Sizzle Pie packed at 1130 on Saturday morning? Odd brunch spot. This was the Burnside location, guys.

No, the other Burnside, East Burnside. East Burnside. We're yelling directions out. Why? It was so confusing to me. I found it baffling. I don't know why that area. The whole area was swarming with... Oh, maybe it's because there was some sort of convention going on at the convention center. I don't know. Oh, convention. I don't know.

I don't know. Wait, did you have... Is there a clear answer? What? Shakin' bakers? Guys, I just want to... Someone said dough boys. It's not because of dough boys. Psychomania? Psychomania?

Boy, this is... What the fuck? I just want to collectively say, this is helping. Thank you. We're definitely more... I have no idea what's going on. This is more like what I expect dough boys shows to be, like, people yelling at us.

Yelling in rage. I heard psychomania. I heard a lot of different things. Swiggle. Oh, swiggle mania. Oh, swiggle mania. That's like a beer thing, right? Oh, it's a beer thing.

Okay, that makes a little bit more sense. What the fuck is swiggle mania? It makes zero sense. What are you talking about? Well, it's a beer thing. I assume swiggle is a beer brand or the name of a beer person. No. It's not. It's like a beer varietal? Beer varietal?

Someone yelling something out hand trailing off. It's a thing I don't know. Who cares? Who cares about this? Swiggle mania. Some swiggle related event. There were a lot of people there. I will say, we got up there and Mitch, Bill, you were guarding our table,

and the woman who took our order at the counter seemed like she was upset with us. Like, we really flustered her. Well, we were scared. We went up there scared. We were scared, yeah. We have to admit that.

We had to talk to a woman so we were scared. That was the first thing. We ordered enough pizza for 11 people. We did get a lot of pizza. We ordered a lot of food. We have no place to sit, and we were like, we want 11 pizzas for us three guys. I can understand why she was nonplussed.

For people listening, Bill just held up the victory sign. Roger Stone victory sign. Roger Stone style. Also, here's the thing with sizzle pie, which I do think is a cool thing. You can get a half slice. I do like that.

Is it good? Wait, don't you have to buy both half slices? No, you can get just a half slice. But we confused because we were like, can we get two... We wanted to split half... We wanted to split whole slices, but we told her we wanted half slices.

We fucked up so bad. And we were like, can we get the pastrami, mommy, or whatever stupid fucking name it was? And... Here we go. You took a swing with pastrami, mommy? Not a pizza topping. Not at all metal themed.

It was salami, mommy, or something. Or salami... Salami boy. And we were like, can we get two half slices of that? And she's like a full slice... She was confused by us. Yeah, she was confused. It wasn't her fault. We were just being unfair.

Yeah, there's not an easy way to say... We should have said, can we get a slice of that and can you cut it in half? Can we get two half slices? That's on us. It was. We fucked up. Anyway, we'll start with the... We got some whole pies, we got some garlic knots, and we got a salad.

We'll start with the by the slice. Jesus. You really want to watch Hotel Transylvania 3? I need some closure with what's going on with that boat Dracula. Free force, good night. He runs out. So by the slice, we'll start there.

We got the salami boy, which is olive oil, salami, red onion, and pepper-dew peppers. We got the south of heaven, which I believe is a slayer reference. Which is hell. Right? South of heaven must be hell. The thing is...

Cardinal directions are like 2D. Oh god, fuck you. It depends on how your compass is oriented. But... That one has pepperoni, fresh jalapenos, and fresh mushrooms. We got the police and thieves, which is spinach and mushroom.

Vegetarian, but not vegan. We got the d-beat. I don't know what d-beat is referenced to. Which is cheese, and the ace of spades, which is pepperoni. By the way... Okay, this guy is fucking losing his mind. Okay, alright. Okay. The last few moments of my life, I'm enjoying it.

This guy screamed, this ruled, actually. He had a white shirt on, and then he ripped it open. Yeah. And then it was two unicorns fucking each other. It's two unicorns fucking. That's what it is. Congrats, congrats to the winner of our drunkest fan contest. You'll be driving home in a new Chevy Volt, so congrats.

His blood alcohol level is half yours. I think it's weird that they have weird names. They have metal-themed names for even the simple pepperoni and cheese. To me, that's confusing. Just simplify that. But that said, it's part of the fun. It's funny to give a metal name to a salad. Come on.

They didn't have... I don't think the names were that. Well, great. Full of... There goes my bit. Thanks, Nick. So... He's right, man. They're not all metal. There's, like, raising Arizona. There's... It's always sunny in Portland. Yeah. They're kind of all over the place.

They kind of just suck. You know what? Caligula... Caligula is one of the salad names, Nick. Oh, that's fun. That was the... God. Hardcore porn that, like, was produced

by the Penthouse publisher, right? That was the famous... They, like, shot some hardcore scenes and re-released it. An expert trying not to know something? I've heard. I think they, like, re-released it as a hardcore porn. I've heard the hardcore scenes are not the same actors as you see in the movie itself.

But they kind of try to play them like it. Anyway, so... The... I will say that I like the South of Heaven, the one with the jalapeños. You know, and the police and thieves, the spinach and mushroom, I thought was kind of forgettable. The cheese was good, and the pepperoni,

I think, was one of the better bites that we had. It was a really well-executed pepperoni. Yes. That's why that guy went crazy. The ace of spades was good. It's a great pepperoni. The Salami Boy, I thought was fine. Do you like ace of spades? Or do you like the pizza?

Oh, he's a Lemmy from Motorhead fan. Yeah! Yeah, he likes Lemmy. This guy likes Lemmy. Okay. That rules. I'm on his side. The ace of spades. The ace of spades. He's got that gritty, gritty voice.

Jesus. Sounded like Mike Grimace. We each do one character. It's the same character. The Salami Boy, I thought was fine. I will say that we had that as a half-slice, and I think your half-slice was a little better than mine, Mitch's. What the fuck?

I'm not saying that just now it worked out. You told me to take that set. I know, and that's what I'm saying. I don't know if I have as good of an assessment as you do. I wasn't trying to make this a confrontational thing. Oh, guess what? I loved it. It was delicious. It sucks you got that chili slice. It was pretty good.

I like the pepper-dos. I would have liked to have a little bit more Salami in my portion, but I thought these were all fine slices. Is this the pepper? Yeah, it's a kind of pepper. It's like a red pepper. I don't have the exact definition of it, but yeah, it's like a red pepper. Interesting.

I can learn from the show. It's nice. Bill, what did you think of the by-the-slice options? South of Heaven, I thought was my favorite. Yeah, it was nice. I agree with you about the police and thieves I thought was kind of like...

It was kind of squishy, you know? Whatever was on there, it made it kind of runny and squishy. It was not really that appealing. So you get those high moisture vegetables, those spinach and mushroom that release a lot of water, and sometimes you throw those on there, and it just gets all gooey.

Exactly. Yeah, they heat them all up, all those veggies. All right. I will say this. We noticed there's a lot of veggie options at this place. Yes. There wasn't even the only... And we didn't get it, but the...

Pig destroyer, which we didn't get. All it did was really added meatballs and meatballs, bacon and pepperoni, but there's nothing like a real meat lover's pizza there. I think that's what we're going to arrive at is the fact that this is actually a boon for vegetarians at this place. I think that's its value.

Which is great. And also, it's absurd to say this restaurant sucks. It's ludicrous. That woman is completely wrong. It... I mean, I'm not... I haven't even eaten there all that much, but I would say that, like,

that's just... it's out of the ballpark. It's angering me. If somebody would say that this place sucks, it clearly doesn't suck. At the bare minimum, it's perfectly fine. Yes. Out her and her restaurant right now, Nick. Yeah!

I don't want to start some sort of incident within the Portland food community. It was the head of fucking Burgerville, wasn't it? We're a Scooby-Doo show now. I like the... I mean, I like having the buy-of-the-slice as an option. Like, I like... You're a little bit of a skeptic when it comes to the reheated slice.

I like a fresh slice. Can you blame me? No, I gotcha. But I think what we determined is that these are coming out so fast and so quickly that these were fresh pizzas that they were slicing up. This family was busy. Like, maybe at four in the afternoon you'd be getting a reheated slice. It felt like even the ones that looked at it,

they were sitting out there for a while with the cheese and the pepperoni, and both of them were good. The pepperoni was my favorite slice, I think, of the entire thing. Yeah, kind of the simplest one. I think that was the best executed. The whole pies we got. We got the Good Luck in Jail, which is a...

our... I'll read the entire copy. Our New Deal vodka cream sauce. Smoked mozzarella, bacon, and white onions. We also got the spiral tap. This is a vegan pie. Some spiral tap fans here. I told you people would applaud this way.

Bill very much was in favor of ordering the spiral tap. Not just in that direction, he was correct. This is the creamy caramelized onion spread, house marinara red sauce, tasting of nutritional yeast. Um, which I watched a YouTube video on what nutritional yeast is and learned

that it's also known as nooch. So this is why we don't hang out in Portland. I got to go back to my room. We got a lot of work to do. You looked up nutritional yeast. Yeah. You can call it nooch. Well,

noochie-boochie, I loved it. Love it. Noochie-boochie, I loved it. Those are for my, uh, clerk's heads out there. I thought this way, the spiral tap was a highlight to me. This was really good.

And I think like if you're, look, if you're vegan, you're often, and I'm not vegan, but I assume you're often looking for simulations of food that you've had back when you ate meat or back when you ate meat and dairy. Is that true?

That's so sad. I used to have burgers. I used to have BLTs. I used to have chicken wings. These are things that I crave still. And so if I can kind of find something that's an approximation of that, it kind of scratches that itch and makes it

so I'm not cheating on this diet that I've imposed upon myself for whatever reason. And this, I think, was a really nice pizza simulation. The caramelized onion spread. Bill, you pointed this out. That's great stuff. I don't spoil the ending,

but this was my favorite thing of our whole trip. Just in case there was an emergency or another snowpocalypse like we were supposed to have, I went yesterday as well just to make sure that I had sampled everything in case we were all snowed in and couldn't make it to the podcast tonight.

So I did have that and both times I liked it. Should I save this for the ending or should I just dive into it now? All right, this pizza is amazing. It's not... It's more like a flatbread. If you've ever been to a cheesecake factory-style place

and they're like, well, please try our flatbread. And it's like, well, it's a pizza, really, but it's just kind of a different shape with some different stuff on it because it doesn't have cheese. And I ate this and about... I ate half a thing before I realized it didn't have cheese

because I was enjoying it so much. It's not a pizza in a technical term, but all this stuff on there is amazing and it's called spiral tap, I assume, because there's two spirals interlocking spirals of caramelized onions and marinara. And it is really delicious.

It's one of the things that I have... I've been remembering it constantly since we had it, as opposed to other stuff which most of these other things were like, oh, that was a good slice of pizza, but you forget about it an hour later. This is the one that I remember and I'm like, wow, that is...

to be able to get this kind of stuff so I couldn't recommend that particular pizza anymore. Yeah, it's dynamite. Do you think if there was a snowpocalypse that the audience members would be watching for the cancellation of this podcast, like a school being canceled

and cheer once it said, Doe Boys is canceled? No Doe Boys tonight! We don't have to go and we're getting our money back! People would have walked over here with their shoes on, and their cross-country skis. You may be a few squares

that have made it, but the rest of the people would have been here for you guys. I want to say this. No, who wouldn't make it is Nick Weiger. We went up... When we went to Tasty and Alder last night, Nick, you should tell the people about this. We got into the restaurant and he's like,

there's trouble, buddy. And I was like, what's wrong? What am I gonna go work on? He was like, I need to go take my shoes off. This is real. He said this in the restaurant. It was like 45 degrees. Look, I'm a lifelong SoCal surfer, dude. I'm not built for the cold.

You weren't wearing flip-flops. I was wearing shoes, but I didn't have a particularly thick sock. I should have brought a thicker sock. That's on me. What type of thin, weird socks are you wearing? Are you wearing nylons? I'm wearing... These are socks that my niece and nephew got me. They got sea creatures on them.

Get adult socks. That's part of the issue. There's an octopus on it. There's a little undersea man. There's a fish. I think there's... Is there a gate? No, there's not a gator. I think I covered it. But yeah, they're like a little print.

But yeah, no, I was wearing... I was wearing just some light, thin dress socks and my feet got very cold. My extremities get numb. The tips of my fingers and the tips of my toes turn white if I'm exposed to cold for any amount of time. So I'd be wearing gloves and thick socks. And so yeah, we went there and my feet were very, very cold.

And yes, I would not survive a snowpocalypse. I would freeze instantly. It's like... As he said, it's like 48 degrees here. And you guys were like in Saskatoon like last week. I almost came home in a body bag from Saskatoon. The place is a city-sized walk-in freezer. It's so cold. So...

I just can't stop thinking about the pizza simulation either. I want to live in the pizza simulation. I would plug in immediately. Like in The Matrix, the red pill or the blue pill. You're taking that blue pill. 100%. Red pill filled with marinara. So the...

Yeah, I thought the spiral tap was great. Standout, home run. The nutritional use has kind of the texture of Parmesan and kind of a nutty character to it. So it kind of satisfies in the same sort of umami way. The Good Luck in Jail, I thought was fine. But it was also just kind of like a... You guys characterized it as just kind of a smoky mush.

Yeah. The smoke from the mozzarella and the bacon just kind of like melded together. It didn't have any things that you could really pick out and discern taste-wise. Right, it didn't have any distinct texture or flavor really. Right, yeah.

Then we also got the... Do you guys have any other thoughts on the whole pies before I move on to the knots? Oh, garlic knots. So you get with... You get with a house red sauce plus any two of their all-vegan signature sauces. It's nice that their sauces are vegan

because the sauces are high quality. The sauces we went with were the sizzle pie vegan ranch and the spicy ardvark blended red sauce, which I understand ardvark sauce is a Portland original. I like that ardvark sauce. You're a bit of a heat seeker.

Yes, I'm a bit of a heat seeker. And... God, this show sucks. I agree. But that's a good... That's a nice sauce. Bill, you said it kind of was like a tropical flavor to it and I think it was a good way to characterize it.

I can't say enough great stuff about ardvark sauce, man. Like, I've been having it since... It must have been around for 10 or 15 years, right? And I've been having it... Ever since I moved here, I use a bottle... It's expensive, though, but I use a lot of bottles of it and it's just that right level where it's just hot enough

that eating it is not a nuisance. It's not a stunt that you can have it. As you said, you can have it on anything and it just maximizes the heat and the flavor. It's got some... I don't have mango or whatever it has. That gives it kind of a tropical Caribbean flavor and it's just like... I don't know why it isn't more nationally famous

but it is absolutely spectacular. It's great. I loved it. I loved it, too. It was really, really good. It's dynamite. Not too spicy. It's great. Great with the knots and the vegan rancher, that was a really good execution of a ranch. I mean, it just...

I wasn't missing the dairy when I was... There was no way to tell it from normal. Right. Just it was greenish, wasn't it? Yeah, it had a very slight greenish hue. The garlic knots themselves... Paraphrase, Paul Giamatti in sideways, referencing...

Cabernet fronks. I've learned never to expect greatness from a garlic knot. They're just... Why am I having that? Wait, that's the quote from sideways? Yeah, it's like I've learned to never expect greatness from a cab fronk and this is no exception. He's... And he throws out the subpar glass of wine.

And then his friend cheats on his wife. Garlic knots. I thought that they did a good garlic knot. It's a good garlic knot. It's nice and garlicky, which I like a lot of garlic on there. Like the fucking... Why can't I remember the name of the thing? An individual thing of garlic. The cloves. The cloves were falling off there.

And there were a lot of them. And I liked how garlicky it was, but it's just like it's... Give me another slice of pizza. Why am I having this knot? I think these were a little undercooked, too. They didn't have the crispiness that the edges of the pizza had. They were a little squishy and a little doughy. They weren't as craveable as some of the items we had.

Yeah, I think that's absolutely fair. And then we also got a salad, which is, you know, the least exciting item to close out on. Hey, we structured this correctly. Let's end on a dud. The rabbit salad. However, this was a good salad. Again, vegan, red leaf lettuce, red onions, bagel bits, sliced hot peppers, tomatoes,

croutons, and that vegan ranch dressing. I thought this was nice. It was large and it was enough for three dudes. It was a good amount of salad. And this was a nice counterbalance of all the very, very heavy pizza that we were having. It was good. It was good. It was good produce in there. Good lettuce. That makes a big difference.

I don't like those bacon bits, though. They're a strong taste. Yeah, I maybe don't love the bacon bits. I maybe don't love the artificial bacon flavor. I could maybe do without them. But every other amount of thought worked. The croutons are also just kind of like generic croutons, but they were fine.

All right. Yeah, I agree. Jesus. It got the job done. But that's the rundown of everything. Oh, yeah, and I got a nice tea. You guys want to come in on beverages at all? Oh, yeah. They have Joan's sodas there. Those are fun.

Yeah. Kind of a Portland-y fun thing. Yeah, and they get some, you know, they get beer and wine, I believe. So if you want to get yourself a brew dog, that's an option. A little early in the day for me. Oh, my God. There are repeated implications that I'm some sort of high-functioning alcoholic.

You had a bottle of wine with a straw in it last night at dinner. A crazy straw. But a nice, some nice fountain drink options there. Let's get to our final thoughts on Sizzle Pie. Bill, you've been on the show before. You know how this works. We'll each go around. We'll sort of give our closing argument, make our case, and then give this a rating from zero to five forks.

We will begin with you, Bill Oakley. Okay, Sizzle Pie. Okay, first of all, just again, it really makes me mad when people are like, that place sucks, and it clearly doesn't suck. That place is fine. Okay, is this the best pizza place in town? Probably not.

I mean, I know people like there are pizza shoals. People like their trifecta. I personally prefer pizza jerk, but I've only had it delivering. Pizza jerk? Pizza jerk, yes. Sounds like Nick's favorite nickname. Damn it! Damn it!

Damn it! As far as chains go, I think we only have Hot Lips and Sizzle Pie. And I think, I would say Sizzle Pie is really good. I think, as we said, it's a New York style pizza. I mean, it doesn't compete with the best places in New York,

but it competes with the good places in New York. I think in general, and I think the selection is great, and I also think I can't imagine a better place for vegans and vegetarians, frankly. Right. A pizza. So, like, am I supposed to give it the fork rating? Yeah, give it a fork rating.

Okay, I would give it 3.75. Wow. 3.75 forks. Very good score. That's out of five. Out of five. Okay, yeah. Mike Mitchell the Spoon Man, your turn. I'm just gonna review us going on tour for a second.

We come up to a fun city. I've been sick for, like, two weeks. And I'm just getting... Kind of just getting better. I still kind of feel shitty. Yeah. We eat eight... five to eight slices of pizza at 11.30 a.m.

And then I fell asleep in my hotel room. I'm not even gonna see Portland. I feel like shit now. This sucks. It's... It's... It's not fun... We need to figure it out.

What do you want from me? I'm not yelling at you. I'm just mad at the show in general. Yeah, we're all mad at the show. If we'd maybe gotten in a day or, like, an extra day earlier. Like, we got in on Thursday. We got to settle in. We'd maybe gotten

the meal out of the way on Friday. And then we had today to just sort of, like, hang out. Maybe that would have been... I brought my running shoes. What a joke that was. Do you know what I'm gonna do with my running shoes? I'm gonna stuff them with treats from the hotel so that they don't get destroyed.

And then check my bag. Pathetic. I don't think you have to store them in your shoe. It actually works really well if you've never done it before. Oh, right, because it's kind of reinforced. It's reinforced, yeah. So I'll be putting a piece of salami in there for real. It's a cool city. It is a cool city.

Oh, you're so... I just wish I had a cool coast. All right. Imagine how much fun I'd have. You could have gotten up with people. If it was me and Rob, do you drink? The Pro Skater? Yeah.

That would be cool. Why would he hang out with you? I don't know. We had fun together. Oh, Robin Big. Of course. Recipe's the big. Recipe's the big. I guess that does work. I'm big. Sizzle Pie is an old this for

Sizzle Pie is pretty good. It's a pretty good place. It's a pretty good pizza place. People are being too mean to it. Like the ace of spades. Yeah. I needed it. Thank you. The pepperoni slice

was great. It's a great... It's a good slice of pepperoni pizza. Here's what I'll say. It went to New York City and it shut. It closed. Yes. It didn't work in New York City. But this is... I feel like getting a slice from here was just as good as a lot of places that you'll get on a block on New York City for real.

It's just as good as... As any of those famous rays... Totally. I've had a million of those slices. This is equally good. Yes. And it's good. If you want a good slice of pizza, scratch the niche. I think like you were saying, it has some great pies if you're a vegetarian or vegan.

I'm going to go with three and a half forks. Nick, I like it. It's good. Three forks two times. It's not Golden Plate Club but it's a good place. Be nice to it. Name the lady. We can always bleep it out. This town will never recover

if you name that lady. It's a small restaurant scene. It really can only be two or three different women, I think, if you're talking about a famous restaurant. And I do think that it will be... It'll be the lead story on the newspaper. Sorry, who was it? Natalie?

We're saying it's his wife who said it? Look, my wife can be something of a hater, but she is disqualified. Takes her husband. Yes. Hates her husband. She's not disqualified. She's disqualified because she doesn't own a restaurant in Portland. That was half of it. I will say that...

I'm not going to say I'm not going to say who it was. Let them guess. It's going to be anti-climactic anyway. It's one of those things you say where it is, and people are like, okay, or it's like, who's that? People are just not going to know. Just keep it good, like the end of Lost in Translation. Exactly.

I'll whisper it to Bill before the show ends. Mitch, as you mentioned, Portland is a great food city. It's a great town. I've come up here, I've had a lot of outstanding meals in my two visits. A way to evaluate this experience is... I've kind of come around to this after doing a few of these different tour shows,

is how do I feel about this meal versus... Let's say I wasn't doing the podcast. I wasn't doing the source of frustration for both of us. I wasn't having to have this meal to have something to talk about on stage for 90 minutes. I was just going to a place I'd rather go. How upset am I by this experience or contrary to that, how happy am I?

How much am I like, oh my God, this worked out. We got to review this for the show and it's also awesome. I feel like this is like a... It's fine. I feel like this is not like a massive disappointment. It's not like, ah, fuck, I really wish I'd just been able to have a great meal at Knard instead. But there is part of me that's just like,

oh, you know what, that bite I had was better and I think that would have been more fun if I had been able to eat there. I think if you're a vegan, this is a home run. So from that standpoint, I have to give it some points. I'm going to be in the hand-holding club with you guys, but a little bit lower. I'll say we're ballpark buds on this one.

I'm going with three forks, one time for sizzle pie. Fair enough. It's a solid place. It is. It's not a place to shit talk. It's not a place to say it sucks. It's good. It's fine. It's fine. I think we should march to that lady's restaurant and let her know.

Yeah. Let's do what we should do the right thing to her. Throw fucking garbage pails through her window. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I just want like Guy Fieri style. Like, you know, it has Guy 8 here, like on the wall of the restaurant. I want like a thing from the Doe Boys.

That's Mitch. Mitch and Weigur say it's fine. Uh, guys, that was our review of sizzle pie. It's time for a segment. I've got a mystery beverage. And Mitch and our guests must guess what it is. It's another edition of the Weigur Challenge. Weigur. Weigur.

Weigur Knee. Weigur. Weigur. Weigur Uppercut. Weigur. Weigur. Weigur Challenge. So, oh, my goodness. A supplemental brew dog was brought on stage for me. What a lovely gesture.

I saw him demanding that before the show. You bring me out another brew dog. I spilled. I spilled on my lap. Wow, a live spill. Fuck. They're cheering a spill. This is the thing we've done. So, you guys each have a very cool-looking black solo cup.

Look at that. Speaking of metal, eh? A very, very cool black solo cup that you're going to have some sips of this. Let us know what you're looking at, what you're smelling, what you're experiencing. Give us all the senses. I'm pretty good with the Weigur Challenge.

You are. You are really good at the Weigur Challenge. What am I doing? Why am I bragging about that? What sucks? You have a good palate. You rarely lose. But I think Bill is going to be a tough... Bill, you have a great palate. I think this is going to be a tough one. This is not the same thing that I had last time I was on the show,

which were those McDonald's coffee drinks from Walmart, right? It is not that. Okay, okay. Thank you. Well, it smells like... It seems like some sort of frappuccino or some sort of chocolatey milk. Thanks for that. It's definitely got a coffee, something in there.

It's got some sort of coffee deal going on. Let's take a sip of it. Is this a local specialty or...? I won't... Okay, all right, come on. Everyone calm down. Stop yelling things out. Don't yell anything out unless you're trying to give us the answer

for why Pete... The restaurant was crowded at 11.30. Or say your enthusiasm for the Ace of Spades. Swizzy Festival. What the fuck was that? And then you thought it was okay. It's a beer festival. It didn't make any sense. It sounded like a guy...

Like a person's name. Like a guy's name. Oh, okay. It's answered then. I don't think it's answered. I think it's kind of a general sense of what it is. Look, there are no clues in the Weiger Challenge. But feel free to talk through your answer. The clue as to whether it's local or national is not available. That is not available, yeah.

Okay. Because I know we have a lot of people here tonight from Stumptown Coffee, actually, so... Interesting. I don't want to cramp on it, you know. Right. Well, you don't have to give any assessment one way or the other in terms of quality. We're not judging this a drink or a stink. We're trying to decide what it is.

Mitch, any thoughts? Stumptown. Here's what I'll say. Yes. I'm trying to get the other ingredient, and so I'm... I don't know... Can we confer? Yes.

I don't think this is Stumptown. I think there's some sort of sweetness in it. There's some sort of cinnamon-y something in here that is like... It's like a canned Dunkin' Donuts. Is it coffee or something? Yep. Yep.

Or like... Mitch is leaning his head... He's tilting his head back. I guess to... have the liquid rest on a different part of his tongue. Why did you do that? I'm tasting it.

You look like a baby bird eating. Okay, I know what it is. Mitch is confident that he knows what it is. Mitch, what is your guess in this edition of the Weigher Challenge? This is a cinnamon-chocolate latte from... You bought it at Blue Star Donuts this morning.

And I'm gonna just say Stumptown because I don't know. I think that you're gonna win this because it's some other... But I'm gonna go with the audience cheat and say Stumptown. Stumptown cinnamon latte is your guess. Cinnamon chocolate. Chocolate latte.

I don't think they make that kind of thing at Stumptown. I could... I'm gonna say that this is a canned or bottled coffee drink probably by Dunkin' Donuts that is like the gingerbread house flavor. Mmm. Gingerbread house Dunkin' Donuts.

Man, I hope that it's not Dunkin' Donuts. I'll feel real bad. I hope it's not Stumptown. It doesn't... Okay, thank God. I'm gonna change my answer real quick. Yes. No, it's not, said confidently from the balcony.

Well, let me tell you, it is Stumptown! Mitch, your sterling record in the Weigher Challenge remains intact. However, neither of you got the secret ingredient, which is coconut. And I actually had that one before. Stumptown coconut cream and sugar

coffee that is available in cute little cartons. And I got a couple for you guys. Did you buy it at Blue Star? No, I didn't. I made a separate trip. Oh, that's nice. Again, it's not part of the guessing game that you guessed where I bought it from. I guess if it came...

If you both guessed Stumptown cinnamon, chocolate, and then you guessed where I bought it from, I guess I would give it to you. So I can't give you negative points for being more specific. Either way. You got an Adelaide of what you did in Portland. Yeah.

Like, 30% of the trip as you went and got a Weigher Challenge drink. Yeah. Spent a little bit of time figuring it out. And it paid off. We had this fucking banger of a segment. That crush... People are losing their minds.

That was the Weigher Challenge. Let's open up the feedback. So guys, here's what's going on. We have two mics. One at the end of either aisle. Take a second. We'll take a couple questions from each of the mics

with the time we have remaining. So step right up. We'll start over here. We'll start on Mitch's side of the stage. Tell us your name and let us know your question. Hi. Hi. I'm Chelsea. I have a statement and a question. My statement is I am the single mom who my daughter is

in love with your Nick Weigher. I was convinced she's going to be your bride at some point. Sorry. Nick, you should not have told Nick that. I have a question. My question is for the panel. Yes.

You know, Sissel Pie reminds me of Ninja Turtles Pizza. You know, because it's kind of like flat and long and the cheese is dripping off of it. Which Ninja Turtle do you identify as? And also a quick aside, I think Mike Mitchell is the most handsome and nice man on the universe.

Oh, he is. And I have a guess for you guys. I'm going to... I agree with half of that. Mitch is a handsome man. Oh, thank you. Whoa, boy. She just tossed Mitch a... What is that? Some buttons?

I will say I will answer the Ninja Turtles questions. Hail buttons. Ninja Turtles question and shout out to your lovely daughter. Thank you, Chelsea. Donatello, he does machines. No shit. You're going to be Donatello.

100% Donatello. I will say Raphael and Raphael is like kind of like sarcastic, like sort of like, you know, introvert period. I was like kind of like, I think I'm kind of raff. But then later I was like, no, I'm Donatello. He does machines. He's like the inventor tech type. That would be my role in this. I feel like you're the machines that he does.

I'm surprised that you're like just like a foot soldier in my mind. Hmm. Like a robot who gets killed easily. Yeah, right. That's fair. Of course, my answer is Michelangelo. Come on now. I think you're more of a cranks body.

I do look like cranks body. Bill, are you someone with any Ninja Turtles knowledge? Do you have any character you aspire to be? No. Okay. Fair enough. This side of the stage. Hi, what's your name? What's your question? My name's Evan. Hi Evan. Hell yeah, Spoon Nation shirt. We sold about 10 of those.

You got one. Love Spoon Nation. Hell yeah. So I've been on a major serial binge lately of CT Crunch and Fruity Pebble Bites. Wow. So I was wondering what your guys' favorite serial was as kids and your favorite serial as adults. Fuck, this is a great question.

I was... Despite what it does to the roof of your mouth, I was such a just like basic, straightforward Captain Crunch guy. A Captain Crunch. I apologize. I really, really like Captain Crunch. What about you guys? As your favorite serials?

As a boy? You know what I loved a lot was the Rice Krispy Treat serial? That just popped into my head for a second. That is good. But I loved Fruity Pebbles. And I loved Frosted Flakes, which you can still kind of eat as an adult. They are like a lot more sugary

than you remember if you have Frosted Flakes now. All right. But yeah, they're good. Bill, any Serial Allegiance? And as an adult, Raisin Bran, Nick. Yeah. Honestly, yeah, I didn't answer the adult side of things.

Honey Bunches of Oats. I actually like that when I can encounter it. But something with some dietary fiber. Bill, what do you think? This will make me seem much older than I already am. But it was Fruit Brute, to be honest. Fruit Brute!

If you remember Count Chocula and Frankenberry and Boo Berry, there was a fourth one. There was their Shemp, their Zeppo, which was Fruit Brute, which was a werewolf. And that was only around for a little while and it was discontinued. And then they reintroduced it as Yummy Mummy.

Yes. It's a weird thing that only appears once in a while and they brought it... I would say that Target brings back all four of those monster serials at Halloween time. Sometimes it's Fruit Brute, sometimes it's Yummy Mummy. And that remains my favorite. Yeah.

I will say that, and I mentioned this in the podcast before, they should do a fucking movie with those monster serial guys. That's just a no-brainer. I agree with that. Hey, you know the Hotel Transylvania spin-off? Where they go to Flavortown. All right.

A question over here. Hi, my name is Pasha. Hi, Pasha. As mentioned earlier in the show, Portland is known as a donut town between Blue Star and Voodoo and the others. I want to know your Mount Foodmore of donuts. Wow, wow.

And would be Apple Fritter, Maple Bar, Old-Fashioned and Jelly-Filled. Wow, that's a great one. I'm with you on Maple Bar. That's immediately what I thought of. I like a classic. This is very boring, but I have a classic. Yes, of course it is.

A classic glazed donut. A well-executed glazed donut. Don't cheer him for that. A chocolate frosted with sprinkles. I think it's nice. Kind of takes me back to my childhood a little bit. And I think what a... Ah, boy, what the fuck would I...

I feel like I have to do a filled donut at this point. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. No, I got to do a filled donut. A raspberry-filled powdered sugar-covered donut. Bill, what do you think? Favorite four donuts? I'm only going to do one, because as I said earlier, I don't like donuts.

I like basically the Homer Simpson-style donut, which is the pink donut with sprinkles. Thank you. They do have that at 7-Eleven. They have the exact donut, and it's not bad. That's the kind I like. I like the crispy little sprinkles, you know? They have a big giant version of that at Universal Studios.

It's insane, and I've eaten it in a day before. I do chocolate frosted a jelly donut. Yes. What else? I fucked up. I take out the filled one, put it in a buttermilk bar. I like a buttermilk bar.

Sorry, continue, Mitch. A chocolate cruller. I'm not winning many people over with my donuts. And the last one... A munchkin. What is a munchkin? A munchkin is the little tiny ones from Dunkin' Donuts. Like a donut hole?

Yeah, a donut hole. What, you got an issue with that donut hole? It's the fourth one. It's just kind of vague. What type of donut hole? Any single one of them. All right, over here. My name is Sam,

and I'm from Los Angeles, and also, yeah, donut holes are good. Hell yeah. As somebody who also spills on themselves a lot, what's the worst thing you've ever spilled on yourself? Wow. You guys got to hang after the show.

We'll just give you a mop. You guys can stand together. I had a disastrous spill in a meeting when I worked in the video game industry. You had a disastrous spill in Netflix. Yeah, but...

He dropped a full coffee on the floor before we shook the guy's hands. We've covered this, though. And then he was... I know we've covered it, but that... You had a worse spill than that? Yeah, it was more embarrassing. How? You shook the man's hand

with wet coffee napkins in your hands. All right, please tell me. The worst spill... Oh, spill worse than that. I'm just saying we closed the deal at that meeting, and, you know, so it kind of worked out anyway. Maybe that was our lucky charm. Yeah, it really worked out.

You could catch the Doughboy show on Netflix. So... I had a full fruit punch, a fountain fruit punch, and the lid was like a little... Like, I didn't realize a lid was a little askew. Uh-huh. And I lost control of it.

I'm holding a cup to illustrate right now for the live audience. Don't... You have liquid. I'm not gonna act it out. All right. Here, I'll take the... No, no, no, please still do it with it, because I do...

I have an empty cup that I was using... That was holding... Fuck. I had an empty cup, and the full cup is inside. I'm just taking the empty cup. Oh, please spill. I'm with closing lids all the way, which maybe exacerbates some of my

spill tendencies. And I just, like, for whatever reason, I lost a grip on it, and I kind of did this. So I, like... I, like, knocked the cup all over the place, and... in the process,

kind of, like, fire sprinklered fruit punch all over the entire meeting. Got some... some cotton the shrapnel, but then also just humiliated myself, because I spilled so much, so spectacularly, and this was, like, the start of a meeting, and I was standing, and everyone else

was sitting at the table. What game were you working on? Uh, I think this was just the Shrek game. If you play the Shrek game, Shrek is red instead of green, because of Nick's fruit punch spill. It was such an embarrassing spill that afterwards, people were asking me

not that it was physically harmed, but because they thought it was so embarrassed. They were like, are you okay? It was humiliating. You probably got that question a lot, I'm guessing. Um, all right, we'll, uh, fuck. This side. Yeah, over here.

So how are you guys choosing your tour date restaurants? Because I'm very curious, you've got the Poutine up in Canada, etc. You've got the, whatever it was, in San Diego. Right. What's making you choose these restaurants?

Because I don't agree with Sizzle Pie. Oh boy. Wow. Way in on social media. We did social media polls. Sizzle Pie was number two after Burgerville, which we're not doing. So, yeah, I mean, just like we put it out there on Twitter and Facebook,

we asked people where we should go, and we asked people to chime in. Where would you have gone for, where would you have gone for Portland? Spaghetti Factory. Oh, shit. Little Big Burger, Killer Burger,

Cafe Yum. I like the Old Spaghetti Factory. I think there's maybe some recency bias when people are talking about what chains to cover, that maybe the social media feedback that's just like a product of that, people are like, what's fresh in their minds. They're not thinking of a place like Old Spaghetti Factory.

So yeah, maybe we... He's Portland, baby. Come on. He's the most comfortable man I've ever seen in my life. Hell yeah. It's like an SNL character. Come here, baby. Thank you, guys. I love you. We love you, too.

God bless you. He basically just told us our show sucks, but he loves us. I don't think we're going to get to everybody. We have a bunch of people queued up, so we'll take one more question from either side. If you're at the front of the line and you don't have a banger, maybe defer to someone

at the back of the line. I do want to hear from Ace of Spades guy. I will hear from Ace of Spades guy. Hi, what's your name? Hi, my name is Mauricio. What's up, Mauricio? Good, thank you. I had a quick statement

and then I wanted a question. All right, sure. Your podcast sucks. This is garbage. Before people start screaming, like 15 white men start screaming, I once had an overnight job and they would make me food to eat

every night, and so I would not sleep well, so I would just be kind of zombieing it out. When I did that, I once one time got salad and in this twilight of not sleeping, I put it

in the microwave. Wow. Wow. And I loved it, baby. Nick. All right. This is beautiful. You found your clan. Your flock.

You and me and the spill guy. We're all going to go get drinks after the show. What kind of salad was it? Food salad. A food salad. All right. I don't remember much of it. I just remembered that I was listening to you guys already

when I finished it. I was like, oh, I ate hot salad. I ate a maniac. Warming it up, just like gave it a little bit of kick. I mean, I guess it makes sense. We have sauteed spinach. It definitely woke me up. I was like, oh, I can do my job now. All right. Well, there you go.

So it's a good breakfast food. It wakes you up. You don't have access to caffeine. It's 3 in the morning. Wonderful. What was the job? I was living after all folks that were dying. Oh, my God. Jesus. God. This is a comedy show, right?

All right. We may be spending a lot more time together soon. And my question, just a real quick question. Yes. Mitch and Nick. What do Hick Weiger and Hike Mitchell have to say about this? Oh, boy.

Thank you. Last time we were up here, which was 2017, when we first debuted these awful characters, we did on one episode. We did it on... Someone asked and we did it and it ate shit. People hated it. Yeah.

Well, let's do it again. Hike Mitchell. I think that character was just out of breath, right? Yeah. So, I mean, I'm not doing much different. Leaning into my heavy breathing more. Man, Portland has great hills. Fuck this shit.

Hey, Hick Weiger here. If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun. And if Sizzle Pie had more vegan options, it would be even better. God, that was hot. I give you credit for attempting something.

Yeah. Hike Mitchell. What an embarrassment. God. I already loaded this podcast before the show. I told my dad I'd make him proud. All right, right over here. What's your name? What's your question?

Hi, I'm Les. In the history of Doe Boys, there's never been a zero fork rating given for a restaurant. So, two-part quick question. What would it take for the Doe Boys to give a restaurant zero forks accepting money because, of course,

the Doe Boys can't be bought? Yes. And second, do you have any memorable zero fork restaurant memories? Ooh, that's a good question. One time I got splashed by Shamu and then I saw a review.

My shirt was so soaked that I had to take it off and wear just a jacket and go to Marie Calendars, and that was really embarrassing. So, that was a zero forker. You were at SeaWorld before... Yeah, I was at SeaWorld,

then we went to Marie Calendars. That was the chronology. Bill, have you ever had any zero fork experiences, just a total extricable meal? Yes, I had a pizza in Montauk, New York, one time where it was clear that people had never made a pizza before. Wow.

Because when you order a pizza with mushrooms, they're sliced mushrooms. The pizza with mushrooms, they had opened a can of whole mushrooms. Dumped them onto the pizza. Oil and all, and we were like, these people have never made a pizza before, there's something creepy about this,

and there was a hurricane coming, so we got the hell out quick. It was definitely the beginning of some sort of weird movie. What a nightmare. Mitch, what do you think? I was also at SeaWorld. You were performing, right? I never go to SeaWorld because they're always trying to push me into a tank.

You know what, I hate to say it because it's a good place, but you know the La Brea... The bread factory or bread... Yeah, I know what you mean. La Brea Bakery. They had a little kiosk at LAX and I got a sandwich there and I bit into it and there was a rock

in the sandwich. They gave me a rock. Like I was the rock monster from Neverending Story, and I would enjoy that. They thought you were a Goron. But that was for sure as a zero forker right there.

It nearly broke my tooth, Nick. Anyway, you know what gets zero forks? Burger villains! They give their workers a fair contract! Yeah! And let's hear from Mesa Spades guy. I hope he just screams at us.

Hi, guys. Hi. What are your last thoughts before dying? I have one question for each of you. Hell yeah. Nick Mitchell. Assuming you could not auto-filate yourself.

Oh, boy. Would you rather fuck a toaster or a refrigerator? Cold or hot, Nick? What's your choice? This is why these sort of questions are cladded and not specified. Plugged in on toaster. Give me that room temp toaster. Mitch, what do you think?

I would have gone fridge. A lot of choices inside the fridge. Thank you. Mike Weiger. During the first episode of this year, Paquino Mas with Dan Goode at minute 73, you remarked

that hot dishes should not be called cake. That's right. Are you saying that you like cold pancakes? Good question. Is that the mayor of Portland? No. As far as what this crowd loves,

not us, that guy and the fern behind you. You love cold pancakes? You eat cold pancakes, wouldn't you, Nick? They're not great, but you can eat them. Hell yeah, you would. I'd rather have them warm.

Yeah. Is there an answer you can give to that guy? I think I'm just nailed. Apologies to everyone we didn't get to. Thank you so much for coming to this show. I fucked up, Mitch.

Wait, what? Remember, we got the sizzle pie coupons. I forgot to do it. It's fine. It's anti-climactic now. Who gives a shit? Throw them out to the audience. I'm giving one to the ace of spades guy

and two to one of the abyss. All right, ace of spades, guys. He's waving to Nick. It's truly pathetic. It's hard to throw a business card. I'm not gambit. I'm a man. I'm a regular man. Gambit was a man.

He's a mutant. I've never seen anybody with those business cards. Everyone's okay, right? Anyway, that's a free slice. You sound like an expert, Bill. Gambit's not a man. He's a mutant. Guys, that's it for this episode.

Give it up for Bill Oakley. Thanks, everybody, for listening up, Portland. Thank you, guys. I'm done next time for the Spoon Man. We'll see you guys later. Thanks guys. We'll see you guys in a minute. Take care.

See ya. See ya. We love you. That was a hit gun podcast.