Doughboys - Swensons with Carl Tart (LIVE)

Episode Date: January 30, 2020

For the final stop on our Midwest tour, Carl Tart (Comedy Bang! Bang!, Brooklyn Nine-Nine) joins the 'boys to review a Cleveland drive-in favorite; Swensons. Plus a local edition of Snack or Wack with a surprise drop in guest. Recorded live at the Agora Theatre and Ballroom.Sources for this week's into:Dan Gilbert - Quicken Loans Pressroomhttps://www.quickenloans.com/press-room/leader/dan-gilbert/Was LeBron special ESPN's deal with devil? From The Sporting Newshttps://www.webcitation.org/68lgFnX3WCavaliers owner Dan Gilbert says he doesn’t regret “The Letter” By D.J. Fosterhttps://nba.nbcsports.com/2014/02/16/cavaliers-owner-dan-gilbert-says-he-doesnt-regret-the-letter/LeBron: I'm coming back to Cleveland by LeBron James and Lee Jenkinshttps://www.si.com/nba/2014/07/11/lebron-james-cleveland-cavaliers'Finally, we did it!': Cavs' title ends 52 years of Cleveland sports agony By Eliott C. McLaughlinhttps://www.cnn.com/2016/06/20/sport/cleveland-cavaliers-nba-championship-ends-drought/index.htmlLeBron James Reportedly Hits Up Swensons After Cavs Championship Paradehttps://cleveland.cbslocal.com/2016/06/23/lebron-james-reportedly-hits-up-swensons-after-cavs-championship-parade/What is LeBron James' go-to Swensons order? By Tyler Carey and Amani Abrahamhttps://www.wkyc.com/article/sports/nba/lebron-james/what-is-lebron-james-go-to-swensons-order/95-2f940b1a-1847-4f9b-8838-404e61f352adThe Drive-In Restaurant Is Alive and Well and Living in Akron, Ohio By David Landsel https://www.foodandwine.com/travel/swesons-drive-in-akronSwenson’s - Our Storyhttp://swensonsdriveins.com/est-1934/Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Podcast. This shocking act of disloyalty from our homegrown chosen one sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn and who we would want them to grow up to become. This excerpt is from an open letter posted by Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert in the aftermath of LeBron King James' 2010 special The Decision when LeBron departed the team that drafted him and took his talents to South Beach. Gilbert, a Detroit billionaire who built his fortune through predatory loans, displayed his famous temper in the unhinged screed which was filled with all-caps declarations, misused

quotation marks and written in comic sans font. James' frustration with his team-owners ineptitude was part of why he chose to spend four years playing for the Miami Heat as part of a big three with Duane Wade and Chris Bosch, where despite Gilbert's guarantee he won two championships. But in July of 2014 a very different letter was published. This one by LeBron himself titled, I'm Coming Home. LeBron then left Miami to return to the Cavaliers as part of a big three with Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love and again his team became the best in the Eastern Conference.

The gambit paid off in 2016 LeBron's Cavaliers in a stunning game seven road victory over the 73 and 9 Golden State Warriors won Cleveland's first pro sports title in 52 years. And to celebrate the King paid a visit to a drive-in burger stand that has come to be identified as one of Ohio's most beloved chain restaurants. The eatery, founded in 1934 by a man who went by pop, is known for its burgers, its array of milkshakes whose flavors can be combined in myriad ways, and its specially ginger ale infusions including a great California, Cherry Ohio, and Orange Florida. Today with 12 locations across the Buckeye State this purveyor of what Forbes magazine

proclaimed America's best burger is, like King James himself, an Akron original. As told to a curious student at his iPromise school, he gets a big three of a double cheeseburger, onion rings, and a banana milkshake. This week on Doughboys, Swensons. Welcome to Doughboys Live, I'm Nick Warker, how you doing Cleveland? Wow. For those of you listening to the podcast later who aren't here tonight, I'll just paint a picture I am wearing, perhaps the most Cleveland garment imaginable, a LeBron James

jersey I'm too fat for. But before we go any further with this show, this week's roast is courtesy of Anthony Rogers. Let me introduce my co-host, the inspiration for the size of Brutus Buckeye's head, the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. Fuck, I'll eat it up, boo at me, you piece of shit. He's continuing his Troll the Midwest mini tour, he's been doing these past three days, brazenly wearing a Celtics jacket on stage, as well as a Patriot hat. He left you LeBron went to LA, and after being here for four hours, don't blame him.

It's cold as fuck and windy. It is chilly, we came, we had some particularly difficult weather today, because it was snow, it snowed last night, it snowed overnight, and then we were driving here, there was snow on the ground, and then freezing rain was coming down on top of us. It was awful, it was a lot. And people in Cleveland are like, this is one of the nicest days I've ever seen. Mitch, you seemed like you were backstage, and I know none of us are doing well, but you seem to be doing particularly bad right now.

No, I feel like shit. Yeah. Oh God, I feel like Slurm's Mackenzie, if that makes any sense. Tell us to go in every state and party and think we're having, you just feel like shit. You feel awful. I feel like a log of shit. Yeah. It's an audience full of people, hoping to be entertained by two men with perforated

colons. Just struggling not to soil ourselves. Just that we walk around like penguins, so we don't shit our pants, it sucks. How you doing, Wags? I'm doing okay, I'm hanging in there, I've been getting decent sleep this tour, which is not normal for me. I usually have to... Wow.

You got a pop for good sleep. Nice pop for some shut-eye. Well rested crowd. I've been having good movements on this trip. Oh, listen, this crowd full of shit freaks. I had a hoe to Cleveland. Wow. I didn't forget the drop this time, Emma.

In fact, I'm kind of early. Can I be honest, can I say something that's gross? Please do. My penis feels numb. Is it just me, or is anyone else's penis is feeling weird? Mitch, how's your penis doing? Is it still good and numb? Some people might not immediately know the context for that.

That was when you were eating, well, we were all eating, and I tapped out early, 60 chicken nuggets in 60 minutes, and there reached a point where it had that effect on you. Yes. I feel the same way again now, honestly. We've gone that far on the tour that I feel exactly the same. Everything is numb. I'm useless. I was looking into this, getting chemically castrated.

I almost feel like it would just make my life easier, because I wouldn't have to, just like one whole portion of my life, I can just like, don't have to worry about that anymore. Was Natalie like leaving hints? Yes. Would you open up your laptop and that, like there was a chemically castrated page? Four open tabs. Different doctors. What do they do when they chemically castrate you?

I think it's an ongoing drug cocktail that you're taking that suppresses your testosterone. I figured it was like a joker, they dip your genitals in the joker fluid, and then your pubes are green, you've got a joker dick. A white shaft with a bright red tip. You get rock hard when you see chaos. Is that what a joker likes? Chaos? He loves chaos.

He loves chaos, and he hates the Batman. Yeah. But he loves the Batman, too. I mean, we don't have to get into it. A shampooedler was, wait, was it a shampooedler? I'm trying to figure out who the drop was. Oh, fuck, this sucks. Oh, no, it was Robert Persinger.

Persinger. King Persinger. The Drop King. Thank you, Persinger. Hey, Mitch, I made this drop for you. Hope you like it. See you in Seattle and Vancouver. Well, that doesn't help.

You can just read the submission before you commit to it. Yeah, I know. There was no good Cleveland. There was like no, like, I thought there was going to be like a Cleveland Rocks drop or something. Or a Cleveland show drop or something. Yeah, shame on all of you for not doing the work. He doesn't live in Cleveland in the Cleveland show, though, right?

That's just his name. In the Cleveland show? Yeah. I was saying Cleveland Rocks. That's a Drew Carey show. It's a Drew Carey show. I know. I said the Cleveland show.

There were two separate thoughts. Oh, OK. No, I don't think his name is Cleveland. Yeah. Look, we can't go on. Does Cleveland live in Cleveland? Wow, you guys knew that too well. That's weird.

No. And we're mad about it. Wow, it's big open section up top. Is there people up there? Oh, shit. There are some people up there. Yeah. There's some balcony freaks up there.

I thought you were literally, there was nothing up there. No, everyone who's just here to crank off in a theater is up in the balcony. You heard sparsely populated. Fred Willard's up there. He's an old man. He doesn't know where else to go. Mitch, we should introduce our guest. Yes.

One of our favorites from Drunk History, Comedy Bang Bang. And now the good place. Give it up for Carl Tartt. Oh, hello. Oh, hello. You knew Cleveland didn't live here. I talk about it all day. He moved.

He moved from Coal. Oh, okay. Did you like, because I know you love Family Guy. I do. I saw you watching some American dad at the Airbnb. Do you like, did you like the Cleveland show in its short run? No. No?

I didn't click for you. I watched it. Yeah. But I didn't like it. I feel like there didn't have any characters other than Cleveland really. Right? There's a big bear. There's a big bear.

There's the big bear and then I remember Rollo Brown. That was his son. His stepson. His stepson. Okay. Rollo Tubbs. Oh, was his nickname Tubbs? No, that was his real last name.

Cleveland's real son. Okay. Why did he change wives? That bummed me out. She cheated on him with quagmire. Yes. Loretta cheated on Cleveland with quagmire. Quagmire is your friend.

Sorry. That's a betrayal. And by the way, we're discussing Cleveland show tonight. Did you guys know that? So that's in Family Guy, Cannon. Yeah. Wow. I feel like, wait, did I see that?

Did I see that episode? I probably saw that episode at some point. We all saw it. It was a terrible episode. I learned that age 12, that women aren't loyal. Wow. Family Guy. I put the blame on quagmire.

I know he's famously horny. He literally was like, no, this is weird. And Loretta was like, come here, you skinny man. And she like, like they were, they were fishing on a boat. And the fish popped up and went straight into Loretta's cleat. And Loretta was like, come here, you skinny man. And she like, like they were, they were fishing on a boat. And the fish popped up and went straight into Loretta's cleat.

And she was like, you better get this out, skinny man. And he was like, wait, what? He couldn't even believe. Because at first he was like, yeah, I'm in. But then he was like, wait a second, no. This could be all made up. I'm not making it up. A fish jumped into Loretta's cleat.

Yeah. They were on the boat. And the fish jumped, they were fishing. And the fish came out of the water, jumped into Loretta's cleat. That shit happens to me all the time. It's no use fucking, no excuse to cheat like that for Cleveland. Anyways. Wait, you mean y'all don't want to talk about this more?

I'm enjoying it. We should talk a little bit about what we're, where we are in the tour and what we're going to, the chain we're going to be discussing tonight in a stretch. One thing that I just want to say. Yeah. It's great to be out of that fucking hell hole they called Detroit. You know how they say like Detroit what?

You know how they say that? Do they? Do they? I thought it was a thing. Is it not? Detroit what? Never mind. Not gonna go off with this one.

Look, Detroit was insane. It was a bad time. We had a bad time. It was very snowy. It was tough. We had one particular incident. A guy called, a guy called, a guy called, a guy called, a guy from Detroit.

It was a bad time. We had a bad time. It was very snowy. It was tough. We had one particular incident. A guy came up on. Yeah, you may have seen this on social media. A guy got up on stage, a very drunk man.

Apparently we later learned that this guy was so drunk that his wife got upset and left. So he was there alone. And then he came up to ask a question during the Q&A straight from his prepared remarks. Very, very Joe Biden-esque. And then, and then just ambled his way on stage to try to shake all of our hands. He asked if he could get on stage. He asked if he could get on stage. We said no.

We were like, no. And then he was like, well, I'm gonna do it anyway. And he got up on stage. I looked over at Wyger, rock hard. And I was like, what's the deal, man? You went Joker dick. Wyger was oiling up ready to wrestle. He was.

He got in the wrestling pose. And then we drove here today in a snowstorm. Yes. Through the snowstorm. Carl, you DJed. You had some great songs going as we nearly died probably multiple times. The drive was tight to me. I've never experienced this type of weather.

Yeah. No, it was awful. I was terrified the whole time. I didn't tell you all. We almost got ran off the road a couple of times. I'm like, hell yeah. Get it, Mike. I DJed from Milwaukee to Detroit.

And there was a moment, there was a breaking point for Carl. Do you want to tell the audience about that? So listen, my musical palette is worldly. I can listen to pretty much anything. Excuse me. Mitchell over here likes to curate his playlist with absolutely no rhyme or reason at all. So we'll be listening to Boys to Men on Bended Knee. And that will go into eight skips of the next songs in his playlist.

He lets him play a little bit like he has a CD player for some reason. So you can look, you can see what's next, man. You ain't got to just keep hitting. So I guess he like goes, ooh, do I want to listen to this? Nah, I'm going to go through this one. And then he lands on the Star Wars theme song. That's right. Which is insane.

And then we come back to Enigma's... Yeah, Enigma. Chance or some shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, that song. Return to Innocence came in my shuffle. But it wasn't even like the... It wasn't that one.

It's someone that only Mitch has heard. He got a deep cut. Enigma's Doughboyz fans and they're like, yo, we got some new shit we popping off with. You go ahead, check this out. We haven't performed in 20 plus years, but here's a track just for you. Then we go into the Bob Dylan theme song from Billy the Kid.

That's right. It's a great song for those of you who don't know it. Sure. I was tearing up in the front while I was driving. Yeah. While we were getting ran off the road by 18-wheelers in a snowstorm, Mitch is wiping his eyes. But then there was a moment where the Vader's...

Vader's... What is it? The Imperial March. Imperial March played. Yeah, it was like the second... Imperial March played and then Kyle went, Mitch, turn the shit off. There was a clear breaking point

where the second Star Wars song came. I tried to put on my own AirPods. This is too a podcast. The music was too loud. Yeah. It was the second Star Wars song in 20 minutes and I was enjoying it. It was one of the few songs I recognized.

I looked around at everyone in the car and I was like, I'm outnumbered here. Mitch is driving. Emma is an employee. Nick is loving this. I guess I just got to listen to this. But he let me DJ for a little walk, too. And then when you were upset,

we made you walk for a stretch when you didn't like the Star Wars theme. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to walk in the snowstorm. But then he let me play my Amy Grant today. Baby, baby. Yeah, 1991. Here's...

I believe Amy Grant was a Christian artist, but this was like her mainstream breakthrough. Yes. Some of her previous fans were... from the Christian side were a little fellow betrayed. But she switched it around and was like, I never made any reference in that song to anything sexual.

Right. Baby could be baby Jesus. Oh, that's true. That's a great song. Smart. I take it that way. It's funny, I'll be like, I'll be like, why are these songs for you?

And you go, hmm, he puts his head up and cocks it sideways a little like this. And then he goes, like that. He just nods his head back and forth. Yeah, he grooved to the music a little bit. Is that like your weird robotic way of signaling that you're listening to the song? It's like you know one of those flowers

that used to be at Spencer Gifts and you play music. The dancing flowers. Yeah, animatronically bops back and forth. That's basically me. How of your, Carl, we talked a little bit about Mitch's digestion woes. Are you hanging in there gastrointestinally?

I'm hanging in. The problem is every place that we've gone on this tour I've gotten a milkshake, which is wild shit. I'm not lactose intolerant, but I might be after this trip. My gastrointestin, my gastrointestin. I thought I was right. Hanging in there.

I'm definitely, when I get back to Hollywood, I got to turn back into my liberal cuck self and do a juice cleanse just to get that stuff out. But I'm having a great time. I did a juice cleanse once, did not like it. I mean, who likes it? I guess that's true, but also I have to shit my pants. It's the truth.

Did you literally shit your pants on a juice cleanse? In so little words, yes. What was the context? How did this happen? Mike just made me do a juice cleanse when I was in Quincy. Wait, how recently? Was this his past time you were in Quincy? Probably two years ago. And look, I don't want to get too specific with it.

But anytime you feel like you have to pass gas, you might shit yourself. It's awful. That happens with a carnivore diet too. Some of these people are doing that fucking Jordan Peterson like pseudo science bullshit where they eat just meat. Like they eat only meat, nothing else. And you just get constant diarrhea.

Because your body's not supposed to have other nutrients. There's a weird reaction to Jordan Peterson. Is he here? Eating a turkey leg. Yes, I love the dough boys. And I can't believe I'm sitting behind so many women. Oh, yikes. Check it out, baby.

Ah. Dunkin' socks. Mitch just put pink and orange socks up on the table. And they guess they are dunkin' donuts themed. Oh yeah, I see the logo's there on the side. That's right. Are you showing our socks off right now? Yeah, sure, I guess so.

I'll buy some socks for y'all asses. I pulled my groin. Yeah, I'm not going to even try that. Uh, even Cavalier socks. Wow, look at those. Oh, you can see the logo. Y'all see that shit.

Carl's got some very cool striped blue and red Cav socks. Is that going to bigger pop than my Dunkin' Donut socks? Yeah, where do you think you are? You forgot a panda, man. You forgot a panda, man. Um. You forgot a real place. Dunkin'ville, Ohio?

Probably. I really don't have interesting socks, so I think to heighten this, I've just got to show off the feet, sweetie. Get your cameras. Get your cameras out. Oh my God. Wicky feet.

Ah. I see flashes in the audience. My bare feet are up on the table. At least one. Just my left foot. Daniel Day-Lewis style. Everyone up in the balcony is furiously cranking it. One thing I was,

I'm about to. I'm going to be barefoot the rest of the show. Shut up, Jordan Peterson. One thing I was surprised by, I thought this was Checker's country, but he's in Cleveland. You fucking idiot. I was really surprised by that.

How dare you? We've drank milkshakes three days in a row. That is so fucked up. It's terrible. I drank my entire milkshake today. I don't know what I was thinking. You said that in the car at one point, and you just went, oh no. And we were like, what?

I shouldn't have done that. I knew it was a mistake the whole way. As I was starting to drink it, I was like, I'm going to feel awful. And then I did and I did. And I regret it. It was a bad decision, but it was a few moments of joy.

So I guess I don't regret it, because that's all I have. What else do I have? It tastes some good things on occasion, and beyond that, the rest of my life is awful. So... Look, I want to say this isn't saying too much, but this is the coolest city on the tour. Yeah.

Milwaukee, we were like, what's your guys' deal? And they were like, Jeffrey Dahmer's from here. And we were like, what? They love Dahmer in Milwaukee. They love Dahmer. We were like, what else about you? They're like, that's it. Yeah.

Oh, he's from Akron? There's a battle over Dahmer. He's ours. Yeah. Yeah. Dear Lord. Let's get into this week's restaurant a little bit. By applause,

who out there is someone who's into Swenson's? Who are our Swenson's fans? Yeah. Okay, and... I see that one guy not clapping. Yeah, you, yes. Oh, you do like it. You do like it, okay.

Oh, he's cranking. Sorry. Let him continue. He has one hand free. And now not to make too much of a riot break out here, but if you are something of a Swenson's skeptic, go ahead and boo now.

Anyone who doesn't like Swenson's. So a few of you. That's a good amount of people. Please put his thumbs up. It feels like we're looking at like a... I do not like it. Like a two-thirds, one-third sort of proportion of Swenson's fans

and haters, which is interesting. I will say that we asked our... Carl and I took an Uber over here and we asked our driver, I asked our driver about what he felt about Swenson's and he was just like, it's all right, it's a burger.

And then he was like, it's the same, right? Which I was about to blow my stack. Nick was getting hot. I had to let down the window. But then he compared it to Shake Shack. He was like, that's like Shake Shack. Which I don't know if I agree with that at all.

I don't agree with that at all. Anyway, we should disclose. So Kevin from Swenson's reached out to us and gave us some recommendations. They did offer to comp our meal, but we declined because the Doughboys can't be bought. We made me pay from my personal account.

Yeah, we made Carl pay. Also, just to let everyone know I was like, come on, let's just let them pay. Who gives a shit? The Doughboys can't be bought. Just fucking... We went to the Avon location. Avon, Ohio.

And... I'll say this, it's a drive-in much like a Sonic. I know it don't calm down, but it's like a Sonic style of eatery where you pull up, you eat in your car,

or you take it to go. And the server comes out to your vehicle. Although I guess as opposed to Sonic, they have someone actually coming out to take your order. You're not just doing it into the little microphone there. Mitch, actually, I think all of us agreed we don't love eating in our car. Don't love eating in a parked car.

I'll say that anyways. Yeah, and I don't like to go to a location. Now I'm on display just eating in my car. You know, eating in your car shit ain't built for size kings like ourselves. Thank you, Carl. Kings of size.

Size kings. You are aware there's another meaning of size kings. Three. Sizeable gentlemen. We shouldn't be eating in our car. It sucks when you're like, you have a fried baloney sandwich on your left tit.

Oh, that's good. I'll put that there for a minute. It's fucking gross. And Mitch rented a Ford Fiesta for us. I have to pick the car up to get in it. Yeah. I'll also say that a perfect day for a drive-in location. I was a little

flummox that the, they don't have a covering that goes over the entire car. For, you know, like it's not like the weather in Ohio is always perfect. And there was a torrential downpour going on while we were parked in a space and really the covering only

extended over the hood of the car. Yeah. Like it's just like the guy who was taking our order was getting so, and he was very chill about it but I felt horrible for him. The menus was all crumpled up and wet. Yeah, we got handed wet menus. It was, it was, it was raining

but the rain was frozen but it wasn't snow. What the fuck is wrong with y'all? I made the guy stay by the window to get drenched. One more thing. So that guy who took our order, his name was Andrew and Andrew was a prince.

We love Andrew. Just did a great job. Andrew ruled. We didn't really get him wet. He ruled. So there was a point where I, we were waiting for our food so I got out of the car to take pictures of the restaurant like I normally do for social media and Andrew

pursued me around the building and was just like, hey man, is everything okay because I look like a psychopath taking photographs. Truly like David Fincher couldn't put it in Manhunter. It's that, it's that good. It's so real to life.

You just fucking silently taking pictures of a fast food restaurant in freezing rain. But then he, but Andrew came up and I was just like, oh, I'm just taking pictures and he kind of, he thought it was weird clearly but rolled with it because he's a pro and was like, oh, you want me in one?

I was like, yeah. He hopped over to like, did a perfect pose next to the menu and without me prompting gave the double thumbs up and I was like, this guy fucking owns. Needless to say, we stand a king. Yeah.

I saw you save that photo to your spank bank file. I'm gonna go up to the balcony for a few minutes you guys have. That's awesome. They call it a cheeseburg here. They drop the ur. It's cleaner, it's just cheeseburg.

I like it faster. It's a little faster, say it's a little time. So the thing that Kevin from Swenson's told us to get was their signature, the galley boy. Which is a double cheeseburg with two special sauces. They're secretive about it. I inferred that one is

kind of like a hickory barbecue sauce. One is like a tartar sauce. I know that's probably not precisely right but that's what it tasted like. Apparently every morning they grind the meat fresh and bake the buns fresh. I'll say this,

the galley boy, everything comes wrapped in foil and again, to people who haven't been here you're eating in your car, there's entrees which would normally hang outside of the car but because it was pouring me and Carl just had to have it on our laps.

So everything's wrapped in foil and the galley boys have a pimento olive or a green olive on top of them which is an interesting detail but kind of fun. I was like, I'm into that olive. I don't know what it has to do

with anything but sure. We've already established different things that we think are fun. We have different levels. I was immediately disgusted. You don't like olives? I don't like olives. I didn't want it to be there.

I didn't want it. I didn't come here to pander to y'all. Forget my cavalier socks. Forget me coming out to bone thugs in harmony. I didn't come here to pander to you Cleveland. The olive

grossed me out. They're proud. Keep listening though. Don't pull your dicks out yet. So I unwrapped that galley boy took a few bites. Let me tell you, the galley boy is a very good boy. That is a one hell of a burger.

I really enjoyed how juicy the meat was. The flavors of the two sauces contrasting with each other was wild. It's like a real like, it's an eye-opener. Because it's not something you normally have. Not something I normally have. For me it worked together.

Maybe a little bit more sweetness than I would like if I was going to look for a little criticism. But overall I love that burger. Carl, Mitch, what did you guys think? Go ahead. I ordered one but I ordered one too.

I was on the outside of the burger on the sign. I was like, red flag. Pimento flag if you will. And I was like Emma, do you want to split one? So me and her split one of them. I don't eat tartar sauce

on anything that doesn't come from the sea. Or the the Erie canal. And I it wasn't

for me, guys. The tartar sauce and barbecue sauce mixed on beef. Ah, I got you. Yeah. I'm sorry. Couldn't do it. But keep listening. Keep those dicks in your pants. It's definitely specific.

On the other hand, it was specifically for me. And I loved it. Yeah. And I ate that little olive and I took a bite and I fucking loved it. I ate everything. I mean, I ate everything but that was on display. Yeah. Oh.

It's, it's I got food. Whatever. Oh, spoon and they're saying spoon. It was my favorite thing of the entire meal. Wow. I will say

whatever you think of the sauce combo, the meat was good quality and the buns were the fresh buns you could definitely notice. They were, they had a great, great soft texture to it. Really different but also very simple at the same time. Yeah, it's great. Loved it. Loved it. Would totally get it every time

I come here. Do you think those buns were steamed? I don't know. I don't think, I don't think they were. Because they were soft enough. They were soft. Yeah. Mom was good. Mom was good. Yeah. I like the bun. Tartar sauce. On a burger? Come on, y'all. And that's how they do the

like the, at Bob's Big Boy here, right? They have tartar sauce on the the burger. Is that correct? Yeah, so that's like a thing. How do you steam a bun? There's a steamer? Yeah. That's the normal thing.

They got steamers in all these restaurants? They steam the buns in them? Yeah. Huh. They nailed to me. Fucking Boston. Alright, so the continuing in Sandwich Town the next sandwich we got

the fried bologna sandwich so this one comes with mustard and grilled onions by default. I got that one. I got it as it comes. Mitch and Carl you guys added some cheese to that bad boy. Wow, dead silence.

I don't like it. Okay, so last night I was about to fight the whole city of Detroit because we went to a Coney place and I put cheese on my chili dog. Have y'all never heard of chili cheese dog?

They got. That's good, right? They did. They were upset with me. Furious. Absolutely furious. They were stomping their feet singing Alice Cooper headed directly towards the stage. The same guy from the Malice

and the palace got on stage. Yeah. The one who snuck two punches in. I was like, why is that crazy? So tonight I'm prepared. I added cheese to my fried bologna sandwich. That's a good

that's a good amount of people. Who thinks that's crazy? Not much. Not much. You do. Are you the lady that said yuck? Security. Drag this woman by her hair. Shame her.

I'm just kidding. Sit down. Don't you stand up. Don't you stand up. Listen, it was delicious. You should. Yes. You should try it. You should try it. It was delicious. Listen, I'm from the hood. I know fried bologna.

This bologna was thicker than a motherfucker. This bologna had ass, y'all. Grilled onions on it. Mustard. I threw that cheese on there.

Steamed bun. 10 out of 10. Like fucking great. It's like Carl Eugenius. Eugenius. Carl. I'm too smart for this world.

I'm afraid to live in it. As a little boy, I used to have ketchup on my bologna sandwich. How about that? That's not terrible. Are you talking a fried bologna sandwich or a cold bologna? I have a cold bologna with ketchup.

Interesting. I was a child. He is a boy. I could barely see that I had thick glasses and an eye patch over my eye. And that bologna sandwich made me happy.

But I very much enjoyed the bologna sandwich. I will say, just a little too thick to me. I want it to be a little more crunchy. That bologna had ass! Of course, Mitch is intimidated by something that's too thick. Shit was good.

It's not natural. It shouldn't be that thick. I thought it could be crispier if it was a little bit thinner. But I really liked it. It was good. You've booed me for nothing. I did point to myself when I came out on stage.

I love the bologna sandwich. This was a highlight for me. The mustard and grilled onions was such a simple preparation. And then the piece of bologna, I thought it did have an adequate char to it. I thought it was well grilled despite its thickness.

Or girth, if you will. Jesus. I just fucking loved it. Every bite was so salty and savory and delicious. I was like, this is fucking great. I guess if I come back here, I'm getting two sandwiches every time because I want a galley boy in a fried bologna sandwich.

Which is so satisfying. Let me tell you. Yes. Probably about 13,000 calories went into our car. That's probably low. No, I think you're right. I think it's around then. 13,000 to 15,000 calories came out.

And then what came out? Probably like 200 calories. We finished almost everything. We really did. We had a few stray fries and we had a little bit of soup which we'll get to in a second. Other than that, everything went into our stomachs.

It's like chanting soup. The fried chicken filet sandwich was the next thing we got. I got that with lettuce, tomato and mayo. I was unclear if this is off menu or not. But it is a... I mean, I thought it was a solid chicken sandwich.

I ordered one as backup in case the bologna did not satisfy me correctly. And the chicken sandwich was good. I ate it in the hotel. I ate it cold. I ate it cold and it still held up.

It was good. Really good breading on the meat and again, simple. It didn't have any sort of spice to it or anything but I thought the breading was well done. What do you think, Mitch? I've said this before on the podcast but this day just felt

like the end of the wrestler once again. Is it Randy the Ram? Randy the Ram, yeah. I was just eating that chicken sandwich and I was like, I could just feel my heart beating slowly. I was like, we're gonna do it for the show. Yeah, you know you're gonna do it. Like him climbing to the top rope

knowing he's probably gonna die from this last jump, this last dive. That is exactly how I felt taking down that chicken sandwich. I haven't seen the film. What I have seen was the episode of Family Guy where Peter gets a lifetime supply

of burgers from McBurgertown and he has a stroke. Hold on a second. The fast food place in Family Guy is called McBurgertown? Yeah. I don't see a problem with that. I like it.

I think it's hilarious. And what happens in that episode? He has a stroke. I think it was either last week or the week before when we did a recording in LA and we had to go get Taco Bell and I was literally in the Taco Bell

drive-through and it might have just been acid reflux. It might have just been... I don't know what it was. It might have been anxiety. It might have been indigestion. But I felt like my heart was like failing and I was just like, this is gonna be like a Reuters

like news of the weird headline like fast food podcast host dies in Taco Bell drive-through. And like my family is grieving and sharing it and like, look at this Darwin Award winner here. My death is going to be a cruel joke

on the few people who love me. Nick, I'd retweet the shit out of that. Nick, you gotta be like me. You gotta slap yourself up and down a basketball court every Sunday shooting ill-advised threes and say, yeah, I still got it.

This food is not killing me. I'm gonna die just immediately solidify. Like the doctor is gonna take a scalpel to my chest and he's like, I can't fucking get through it. He's like a rock. You like the frozen chick-fil-a

or I'm sorry, the fried chicken-fil-a sandwich? Frozen chick-fil-a, what the fuck? I said every part of that wrong. The fried chicken-fil-a sandwich. Frozen chick-fil-a sandwich? Is that an off menu thing? Yeah, they go to a chick-fil-a in the snow for a little bit.

You can't call that chick-fil-a. You can't say that, we can sue. Chicken-fil-a sandwich. I loved it. I thought it was classic, simple, it was great. It was a really, really, really good chicken sandwich. Probably better than Shake Shack's chicken sandwich. Yeah, I think so.

I mean, Shake Shack's chicken sandwich is good. It's one of the better things on the menu. But I think this is a better execution of it. Certainly a lot cheaper. What was it? Gully Boy? What the fuck is it called? Gully Boy. Gully Boy?

I said Gully Boy. What's good, son? What's good, kid? It's New York. The Gully Boy? What the fuck does that mean? Like the galley of a ship, I assume. It has a pirate theme?

I mean, I don't think explicitly, but if you want to put that on it, you can. Because it's Swenson's. You're a pirate. You're sweatlers. Is that what it is? I don't fucking know. I should have looked up the etymology of Gully Boy. I apologize.

It's me failing in my research. We also got something that I was... Hold on a second. I'll save it for later. Go ahead. We got something that I was surprised by. I was like, I don't expect this at this kind of place. But again, I don't know what this kind of place really is. They had a seasonal...

and they were like, warm yourself up. They were really pushing this on the menu. They had an insert they gave you. There was signage advocating for it. The egg salad sandwich and tomato soup combo. Now, I don't know if this is a Midwest thing or not. I'm used to a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup combo,

not egg salad sandwich. This was very odd. You guys are fucking sick. This one made me scratch my brow. I was like, what the fuck? I can't say that. That doesn't say that. I have snow blindness right now.

The egg salad sandwich came on toast, which I was a little surprised by, but it was fine. I will say that it was great egg salad. It was good, especially for a fast food place, especially at that price point. It was very simple. It was just egg salad between bread. I liked it a lot. It was very, very good.

I liked it. It was very satisfying. I dipped it. You gave me your soup. I didn't realize that. Fucking disgusting. Yeah, I still dipped into it. Anyways, I dipped the egg salad sandwich into the tomato soup, took a bite.

Bad. Didn't work. Doesn't work. Doesn't make sense. It's weird. I was like, hold on. Maybe this is something. And I was like, no, this sucks. Baffling. Doesn't make sense. Good on their own. Do not combine them.

This soup was pretty thick and, you know, it was kind of chunky. It was kind of marinara chunky. It had some, it was not fully pureed. But it was pretty good. I liked it. Creamy, delicious, satisfying. I worked well with the, you know, it was a nice contrast with the cold outside the car. The egg salad sandwich didn't make any sense at all with it,

but I liked them both as individual components. Some things you just got to not do. Yeah. You just got to leave it like, it's like, okay, I get it. You trying to find your thing. There may be one weird ass dude likes this shit. No.

Egg salad and tomato soup. No. I wonder if this is one of those things where it's like Swensen's like pop Swensen's great grandson's pet project. The fucking like third generation fail son who just like fucking just needs a job.

So they give him a seat on the corporate board and he's like, egg salad and tomato soup. I don't fucking know. I'll tell you what's going to get them. Big Mac my ass. We got egg salad and tomato soup. I don't do it. Yeah.

They're like, Todd Swensen wants it on. We got to put it on the menu. Then he starts biting the tree. Soup, the perfect car food. And what can we combine that with? Egg salad. We did stop at a gas station

and Nick got a very hot coffee and he took the top completely off and I was thinking to myself it's going to be bad. And I look over and we are getting pummeled by big truck snow and Mitch is

swerving listening to mother fucking Paul Simon or whatever and none of the good ones Mitch finds the most B of B sides and Nick is spilling his coffee and I was like

oh and I'm like Nick why did you get that hot ass coffee and also what the fuck did you take the top off? Leave the top off let that shit cool down. Let me tell you, when we got our trays

of food, Nick was giving the entire drink tray which in my mind I was like oh shit. It was terrifying. I was certain I was going to spill everything and somehow I didn't. The only thing I spilled was that coffee in my lap earlier.

Did you get chemically castrated? My lo-fi way of doing it. Where are my teavas? The reason I took the top off was because I wanted to the coffee was so hot, as you correctly observed, that it was trying to get it to cool down but that backfired because they just got

hot coffee all over my crotch and the seat of the car. So beyond the sandwiches we get into sides country this was a recommendation people love sides. Fucking sides!

This was a recommendation again from Kevin from Swensons. We got the onion rings broken and Cajun. That's by people on board with it. It might just be a secret menu thing that a lot of people don't know about. It is what it sounds like, you're not getting whole rings you're getting broken up little pieces

but the Cajun spice blend that they put on that is fucking out of control. It was outstanding. It was so so good. If you request your rings Cajun you are not going to be steered wrong. That's delightful. It was so so good. Man, I was like, damn these onion rings are good.

They're so good. And with the ranch they had, they had the good ranch. They wasn't using no hidden valley bullshit. Yeah, it was a good ranch. They had the good ranch, you dip those broken Cajun onion rings in them shit was bombed. It was a small smattering in here

for that. Y'all, I think we might have put y'all under something, I told y'all. It's good as hell. This is a meeting of the minds. Imagine being the Swanson family and sitting down to dinner like Christmas dinner. Yeah. And they like remove the platter

and it's a bunch of egg salad and fucking tomato soup. The fuck? Yeah, Todd Swanson wanted to make dinner so let him, sorry. Anyway, we say Merry Christmas in this house just a reminder. Whoa, Swanson family, Jesus.

I Yeah, I love the onion rings. They were great. You're right about the ranch, great observation and I don't know if broken is essential but Cajun for sure. That Cajun spice blend is great. You like them rings? Not too oily either.

Not too greasy. I loved them. They were car favorite. They were getting taken down big time. Yeah, I think we could have gotten one order per person and they all would have gotten eaten. It's not that big of a portion. A lot of times when you order onion rings as a side appetizer size, shareable portion, not the case here.

We also got some, just straight up fries, couple orders straight up fries. I will say again, the second night in a row weren't really salted. I would assume that the Midwest would like salt more than they apparently do. Do you need it for the roads and shit? Why? What's the deal?

The rationing salt because of the inclement weather. Yeah, I mean they were fine fries. They were serviceable. I feel like they were replacement level fries. Oh, wow. That's not a slam. That means average. That means league average fries. They're like league average fries.

That's a Nick Slale! I thought the fries were pretty good. I thought they were good. They just needed salt, truly. Yeah, that would have helped. And then they benefited from ketchup and or ranch. That helped a lot. Carl, what do you think of them fries? I like the fries. I ate through the big ones.

I didn't eat the little pieces of shit. Dipped them in that good ass ranch. Yeah. Had to catch up. Had to get some ketchup. I was like, I'm going to try both of these things. Ooh, some crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

Ranch really takes a lot of that word, huh? They just get the K from ketchup. Crunch. Ranch gets the rest of it. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Hey, man.

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Speaking of one of these, audience members going back to their IT job on Monday. Hey, man, what did you do this weekend?

Oh, you know, I spent $25 to go to a show and we all chanted, Crunch together. All right, sure. We certainly just set a world record. No, there's never been that many people chanting Crunch. We did it.

You're part of history. The... I bet you like Wisconsin has us beat still somehow. Yeah. Hold my beer. So, we also got some... some drinks, of course. Mm-hmm.

They are known for their infused ginger ales and we got two of them, one that was local to the state and one that was local to my home state. We got an Ohio which is cherry and a California which is grape. I got the Ohio, baby. You got the Ohio.

I got the California, lifelong California server dude, sorry. Boo is right. Don't boo California. We're nice. We've got traffic. The California is... it's like a carbonated grape drink.

It's like a grape soda, basically. It's more grape than ginger ale although you are getting a hint of ginger. I loved it. Again, I was like, this is so... beyond my expectations of what I thought I was going to get from this. This is so good.

As someone who doesn't normally order a grape soda or drink grape juice, but when I had it, I was like, this is such a great execution of it. He never orders it, but he always has it available for me whenever we hang out. It's so weird. I'm like, Nick, I've never said that I like this.

Hey, Carl, come over. We're going to talk about a project. Oh, dope. As soon as I get to the door, Carl. You're thirsty. Here you go. And he dangles it. He don't let me grab it. He goes like this. He dangles it in front of me.

His carry-on bust opening a thousand grapes soda cants fell out. We tell the TSA person, what cause on this trip? They go, carry on, sir. I tried some of it, Nick's same straw

with my brother. We were sharing straws left and right. Oh, we were sharing our straws. Fucking straw, where'd you get going on there? We stick the straws in our assholes and then we drink out of it. I, it didn't taste like grape soda, it tasted like

if you ever buy a big-ass jug of grape drink from the grocery store and you put ginger ale in it, that's what the shit tastes like. Fucking delicious. It was great. It was great. Nick just wrote a note on his computer,

next time grape drink. We had a similar ginger ale based beverage in Detroit that didn't work for either of us, which was the Boston Cooler. They gave shit to the Boston Cooler, which is great.

It's vanilla ice cream with ginger ale, like a ginger ale float. I found it pretty putrid. I didn't like it. Ohio, think about this shit. Vanilla ice cream with ginger ale in it. Out of all sodas you could fucking choose. That's an abomination.

That is an abortion of a drink. I like it. I like it quite a bit. It's fucking disgusting. It's disgusting. Mother would make it for me with my baloney and ketchup sandwiches. I almost fought the whole city of Detroit.

It was wild. They turned on some kiss and they marched toward the stage. Over the fucking Boston Cooler. Bullshit. I love a Boston Cooler, but I love that Ohio drink, the cherry and ginger ale fucking ruled.

That was good. That is what you mix. You mix a fruit drink with the soda. You don't mix vanilla ice cream. Right. Kill yourself. What is that?

That's terrible. Fine. I'll fucking kill myself. I mean, you don't really have to be talked into that. I have an excuse now, though. Shut up. I loved it. It was a great drink.

Maybe you just only topped by what else we got, which you can go into right now. We got a couple of milkshakes. I didn't realize it was LeBron's standard order when I got it, but I got a banana milkshake. As did Carl. And Mitch got an Oreo milkshake. An Oreo and

hot fudge milkshake. I forgot you added a hot fudge. Yes, that's right. LeBron's standard order of a milkshake is banana. He gets a double burger, double cheeseburg, onion rings and a banana milkshake. So you're telling me I call

Maxwell Lethario Tart. Ha ha ha. Family name. Ordered a banana milkshake close to Cleveland, Ohio. Just like my king. Who

betrayed me in 2018 by joining the Death Star. Fuck the Lakers, bro. Carl. They're your second favorite team. Now admit it. Boom. Alright, maybe not.

I can't believe that. That makes this whole trip worthwhile. Oh, wow. No comment on any of this. I don't want people to boo me. I said, I don't want people to boo me. Lean into it. He's about to say something terrible

about LeBron James. Hashtag, I promise. Let's all go get our degrees. I will say that that banana milkshake was, again, delicious. It was very, very good. Very much just completely blended up. It wasn't like sometimes you've got one of these shakes

that's got some chunks of banana in it or whatever. This was just completely smooth, but the banana flavor was great. And just also sipable through a straw, which I like with a shake. I didn't have to go to the spoon. Not that I completely opposed that, but generally I would love to be able to,

especially something I'm going to consume in my car to not have to use utensil to drink it. I thought it was fucking great. I agree. 100%. It was delicious. Yesterday I got a shake in Detroit. It tasted like run of the mill, vanilla ice cream, and milk.

You got to add some shit today. You got to give me some flair. Give me some style. That's what this banana shake gave to me today at Old Swanson's. I didn't try that fucking bullshit LeBron shake. Because LeBron always put the Celtics out of the playoffs. Oh, God.

He left your city. So? He got your LeBron title. I'm a Brown. I like the Browns. I heard O.B.J. smack some Swanson's baloney this weekend. It's funny to me that you guys put fucking hot fudge in your shakes.

The Midwest. They just put fudge. It's a caricature of itself, food-wise. It's great. I love it. It's insane. It's a common thing to be like, you want some fudge in there, hot fudge? Yeah, I don't know. I guess so. We should do, Mitch, you and I,

when we finally decide to end our lives, we should do what Nicholas Cage did in leaving Las Vegas, where he goes to Vegas and he just drinks himself to death. I would love it. Except we should come to the Midwest and just eat ourselves to death. I love it.

Eat ourselves. You just eat a bunch and then walk outside. Then I'd have to take over this podcast and do these tour days and come out here and just be like, shut the fuck up. All of you, shut the fuck up. I didn't go to a restaurant. Here's what I did. I ate some ass. Cleveland ass.

Oh, I wouldn't sell any tickets. The issue is that part of the Doe Boys formula is that the show is bad and you would make it too good. We, after our show last night, we were on the way home. We were like, so what's the end game for this? We were talking. We were talking when to end it.

It was rough. We decided three years. Anyways, that's fine. No, it's good. You'll be sick of us by then. Don't worry. Ohio will be the coast in three years. Relax. We're going to die.

The apocalypse is coming. Global warming melts the entire earth. Yeah. I feel like you'll come to Cleveland or the Midwest and it will still be cold. You'll come here like, oh, shit. It's a desert now, but it's still fucking freezing. I loved the original milkshake.

It fucking ruled it was better than the milkshake we had at National Coney Island. It was better than the milkshake I had at Culver's. Wow. Just being honest. Not pandering. I shouldn't like this city. You're all mean to me.

I will... You know what? I'll save my thoughts for my final thoughts, rather, which we should get into right now. So we'll each go around. We'll give an assessment, a closing argument, if you will, and then conclude with a fork score of zero to five forks.

Carl Tartt, our guest. We begin with you. Thank you. Thank you, Queens. I... I hold Ohio near and dear to my heart. I... I love LeBron James, of course. I think the people say

that the worst decision in his career was the decision and going to Miami and stuff like that. I think he was going to the Lakers. I think that's going to ruin him. I think he's cursed. And I think they'll never win a championship with him there. Hashtag Clipper Nation. Hashtag L-A-R-Way. But besides that, I don't know if y'all knew, but I went to college here.

I went to Wilbur Forrest University for seven months. Wow. Y'all know about that? The only two black guys in here. They can eye contact with y'all the whole time. Y'all do understand it. These motherfuckers start tripping. It's us three. All right?

They're also size kings. But beyond all of that, I had never eaten at a Swinson's. And we pulled up to this place and I'm tired. It's been a long, bumpy, terrible music drive. And I look at what they have to offer. And the first thing I see is a fucking burger

with an olive on top of it. And I go, damn. Because I'm confident enough to know I don't want that shit. So I make a compromise. If that's the main thing here, I'm going to split it with my good friend Emma. But I'm going to order for myself.

And I ordered a fried bologna sandwich with cheese, madame. And she goes, did she leave? That son of a gun. Oh, there she is. She's come back in the door now. Anyway.

And I ordered chicken sandwich and I ordered the fries and the banana milkshake. I just learned the LeBron loves. And that bologna sandwich with the onions and the mustard and the cheese that I so wisely chose

to put on it blew my shit away. And the onion rings blew me away. The shake on a fucking super cold day came through my straw so easily.

Because it's a milkshake. It's not a frozen ice cream shake. It's a milkshake. And I got some crunch. I used the crunch. Hashtag crunch.

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. But what took it, the service was amazing. Andrew. A true king. Andrew ruled. A true mon ami. A true Don.

Andrew was that bologna sandwich blew my fucking mind. So with that I say to you, the people of Cleveland I'm gonna go ahead and give Swenson's

Five Forks. Wow! Oh. Five Forks from Carl Tarn. I will be taking my talents to Swenson's. I got a job there today.

All right, Spoon Man. Go ahead. My relationship with Cleveland. What the fuck? Are you saying Spoon or Boo? What the fuck? I think they're saying Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

Oh, no. This will be a nightmare I have tonight. Crunch. Crunch. They're all chanting Crunch. Why? My relationship with Cleveland started with the movie Major League.

Mmm. Oh. Sorry to cut you off. That's my number one sports movie of all time. Wow. As my young boy when they de-clothed the owner as they win more and more games

was my number one crank off moment of all time. Your balcony moment, if you will. It was my balcony moment. How are things up there, by the way? You guys out of fuel? Oh. They all threw their hands up and it

missed it across the... That was... We hit a rough patch with LeBron and you guys, you know, eventually overcoming my Celtics. I know. I know. I know. And I'd actually never been to this city before, Weigher.

Me neither. I questioned Swenson's. Now, we always heard Culver's. Like, you gotta do Culver's. You have to do it. Everyone's so mad at us. Shut the fuck up. Swenson's... Didn't really hear a peep out of you guys about Swenson's. Yeah. Kind of quiet.

So I wondered, is this place... Is it major league worthy? Is this gonna play with the big boys? And I gotta tell ya... My gilly boy... Gilly? Gilly boy? Sorry.

Was my favorite sandwich I had on the entire trip? Wow! Going into a drive-in, we were all like, Drive-ins suck. And what was his name? Patrick? Andrew. Andrew. Wow. Way off. One of the Bible characters.

Yeah. Patrick and Andrew. Anyways, Andrew. Changed our whole day around. Yeah. Fucking the nicest Midwest guy. He rubbed off right on me. I said... Ooh!

He did not rub off right on me. Ooh, that's not a bad. That's awesome. Andrew was a wise king. He was a fucking nicest guy. It made me think... Midwest is what a nice place this is. It's miserable out.

But this guy is the nicest guy and he still has a big smile on his face even though he's getting drenched in freezing cold ice rain. At one point we saw him literally sprint to another vehicle. Sprinting over the ice, rain falling down upon him and he just did his job.

He's like a modern-day mail carrier. I got to give this car that taught ourselves. You Midwest folk. I mean, Swenson's just like the Midwest. Fucking weird as hell. But fucking works. It fucking works. And it was maybe my favorite place this entire trip.

Wow! And I'm going to say my fork score in the voice of Cleveland's most famous character. Five folks, y'all! Yeah! Sounds so much like booing. Wags, don't fuck this up! So when Kevin from Swenson's reached out to us,

which happens on occasion, people reach out to us, reps, they're just doing their jobs. Not blaming them, but people who work in PR for these chains are trying to glad-handle us, butter us up, if you will. Let me tell you, we don't need any extra butter. That's our blood type.

We're good on butter. But he's... When that guy reached out, I was like, all right, immediately a little skeptical. I was like, this guy's trying to fucking lobby at us for a good fork score, because he thinks it'll help his chain, which it won't,

have no effect on its business. But yes, the Doughboys can't be bought, but also, I tried to go in with as open a mind as possible. And let me say this, we've done three chains on this tour. We did Culver's, which... I won't spoil my score for this audience,

although people listening to this podcast have already heard it at this point. Just tell them for God's sake. My expectations for Culver were high, and I will say they were met. My expectations for National Coney Island, which we did in Detroit, were low, and we were seated.

My expectations for Swensons were non-existent, because I was like, I don't even know what this place is. I was so confused and taken aback by its existence and by its menu offerings when I browsed them, that I was like, I don't know what this place is. I don't know what to expect here. But it is... It was fucking outstanding.

There were no weak points. There were things I liked more than other things, but everything I liked, and I thought that they did their signature items so well. I think that the Gally Boy is a great burger. The fried bologna sandwich, again, I mentioned it. I get this every time.

The rings, like the king gets, were outstanding. The shakes were great. The ginger infusions were great. I fucking loved it. This sounds like... It's always tough, because we reach a point where it sounds like we're just actively pandering. But I'll say this,

if I didn't think this didn't deserve this fork score, I wouldn't give it. I know that I'm in pole position, and I'm the person who determines whether or not this is a Platinum Plate Club, but I'm saying it because it's what I feel in my heart. And this is a Five Fork restaurant. Welcome to the Platinum Plate Club.

Wow. Swensons. You heard it here first, folks. And the theater that Lincoln was killed in. Wow. What a nice bit of history. How about that? Lincoln was in the jack-off balcony?

Yes. Holy shit. Four score and seven inches ago. You think he had seven inches? Yeah, look at this tall guy. He was like, big six five. He could hide that shit under his hat. Uh, guys.

Man, that was...let me just tell you, also fucking knocked me out. You were falling asleep on the rest of the ride home. Yeah. I mean, I feel like you took, like, a three-hour nap when you got back to your hotel room. I did. That was fucking heavy shit. It's very potent. And honestly, the last place on the tour

is the hardest... It's got the biggest disadvantage. It's hard to win us over because we're so fucking full and disgusted by this point, but this place absolutely delivered. Very impressive showing from Swensons. Guys, that was our view of Swensons. It's time for a segment just like a restaurant.

Oh, shit. It's the wrong thing. It's time for a segment. He read the wrong thing on his computer, folks. Uh, we got a food stuff we're gonna decide if it's worth putting in your mouth. It's Snacker Whack, and to help us out with this Snacker Whack, please welcome all the way from Quincy, Massachusetts,

Dano! Wow. He's got a Bud Light Tall Boy. Two nights in a row. There's some asshole that doesn't belong here up on the stage. Thank you for being here, Dano. A delight to see you.

And you are not only on stage today. You are responsible for getting the item that we are going to taste, which is... Tell us what we got here. We got some mid-tour food. We got some... We got here.

We got some Mitchell's Ice Cream. Mitchell's Ice Cream. Mitchell, man, was going to be on the show about 25 minutes ago, so... That is true. I texted him, saying, you're going to do Snacker Whack. He's like, all right. That's the one. I don't know.

What the fuck is a pre-league? Okay, so I'm from the south. Yes. I already know it is. Come on, y'all. Clap for my brothers. Bing, cherry, chocolate, chump.

Kiss my ass. No, that's the one. Caramel... Caramel... Caramel sea salt. Ooh, liberal cuckoo. What are our pre-leans? We never got to the bottom of this. Yeah.

And pecans with, like, sugar and shit on them. And you put them in the fucking... You cook the nuts up? Yeah, you cook the nuts up, dip them in sugar and shit, and then they... They're good as hell, man. Eat it. Eat it, goddammit.

Well, yeah, we're going to... It's a Cleveland original. I took a nap. Dana went out and got all these. And also, I asked Dana to get a slice of pizza. I just want to go over this for a second. For a thing I was going to do, and I couldn't do it. And I heard that Cleveland isn't

the slice of pizza town. What the fuck does that mean? You guys don't have slices of pizza here? Wait, there's an explanation? Is there an explanation? You don't sell a fucking slice of pizza. Wait, what? One person, just someone who knows.

Who eats one slice, is what she said. Oh, it's the whole pizza. I like that. We just don't sell it by the slice. You got to buy the whole pizza? You just called them found we can't fit four people at a table. Also, they said,

do you guys want the six-foot table or the eight-foot table? And we chose the eight-foot so we have more space and we up here snucked up. And I'm like, is this the fucking eight-foot table? I got to get on tour with these motherfuckers. Oh, boy. Let's taste this.

I've seen Mitchell's for a long time. I've never tried it. But us Mitchell's, we have the best cream. Obviously a little biased, yes, because it is, thank you Carl, because it is your name. So we're starting with, it looks like you're starting with a Praline's flavor. Carl is taking a little scoop here.

Are we just waiting for it? Oh, no, I should eat it, huh? Yeah, go ahead and take a bite. Deno, how has things been, what have you been up to lately in Quincy? Sleeping and nothing else. I think I gained 20 pounds in the past two weeks.

You guys got me hooked on Taco Bell. I'm fucked. That's all right, Steph. Have you had, because I know you're Wendy's enthusiast, Wendy's of course from right here in Ohio originally. Have you had the Wendy's birthday frosty,

which is a new flavor they have? No. Haven't messed around with it? I was tempted by it. Is it birthday ice cream? It's birthday ice cream. I was tempted by it, but I ended up getting the,

I ended up getting the just a chocolate frosty, because I was like, ah fuck it, why are we gonna risk the calories here to have something that I might not enjoy and I got a chocolate frosty and it was great. Do you should hear Dano's go to Wendy's order? Oh please, yeah, detail it for us.

Again, do you guys know about the four for four? Yeah, fucking right. So I call it the 12 for 12. And I tell them to take the extra drinks and fuck off with them. And just give me 12 of everything

and then I eat three things in my car and then I go to my mother's house and sleep in her basement. Thank you Cleveland. Order three for four for fours. This is my first time meeting Dano. I'm very excited

and I've heard so much about him. That Boston shit man, I can't get with it. You want to live with your mother until you're 35? That ain't what I'm talking about. What the fuck are you talking about? What's your boss, what are you talking about? I'll admit you know.

I stand over your bed every night and I tell you my qualms with Boston. Carl is hard to win over on Boston. We're gonna take him to Boston at some point. You're trying to get me killed. What the hell are you talking about? People are gonna chase after you. They're gonna stab you with a flagpole.

That was a long time ago. It was 1983. Michael Jackson was moonwalking with his mother. He stabbed her with a flagpole. Listen, listen. It was a fucking miscommunication. That guy from Time Magazine fucked us all.

You're gonna like Boston, I promise. You're coming. Dano is not the staunchest Boston partisan. As you may have noticed from his Detroit Tigers hat. Correct? What do you wear right now? It's a Buffalo Bison's hat. But you are a Tigers fan, yes?

Wow, look at that. I hate the fucking Red Sox. They're the worst organization on sports. Oh shit. And now we find out they cheated. They suck even worse. It's awesome. I like Dano.

That's a good... I mean, they're terrible. Jesus, how do we list the things that we hate about the Red Sox, Mitch? I love the fever pitch. I love baseball. Fever. I did see Jimmy Fallon coming onto the field

as the Red Sox won the World Championship and I was so fucking pissed off. Because they sold the movie rights when they thought that they were the worst. I like Reds. It's a good city. You're not helping me. I have to get him to Boston. No, Boston's fine.

That thing with the flagpole was fucked up, but... I don't know that word. 1983. Durand Durand was topping the charts. They stabbed people with flagpole. You got me there, man? I have no answer for that either. Sorry. The Pralings and Cream I thought was very, very good.

Just delightful. I have another question, though, about Cleveland. Is there a reverse vampire scenario here? What do you mean? Where is everybody at night? What the hell goes on? I think it's just too cold to walk around. It's just too cold to go out?

Oh, fuck that. It's cold everywhere. I felt like Will Smith and Ledger. I'm hearing a lot of smattering of bars out there. People are at bars. You're just all in bars? Yeah, they're all alcoholics. You're going to fall out like cockroaches? You're full of shit, by the way.

I was in six bars last night. Four people in each bar. You motherfuckers. Drink up, Cleveland. Please hang out with me. I'm so lonely. Well, I've tried a lot of ice creams. Yes. I've got two more to try.

Which one has you got? Passing is over. I'm going to try the salted caramel. As you've tasted all these ice creams. It lives up to the Mitchell name. Sweet, creamy. This is a full-on creamsman ice cream. They really go...

I have a clear favorite. Pralines, which I didn't know existed until about 10 minutes ago. Dano's leaving. Good choice. Show sucks. Pralines and cream is my number one. That's my favorite. And then I would go with that cherry one. Salted caramel, it's just too much.

It's too much. Put it on your french fries. Stop putting in the ice cream. I love salt. I'm a big time salt guy. I like the... I think the salted caramel works for me. I've had other salted caramel executions

that it may be like a little bit more, but this is a very good one. It's very smooth. The caramel flavor is great. It's just the right amount of salt. My favorite is the pralines. I think that's just like a very, very good flavor. Love the mix-ins. Love the caramel ribbon.

Love the sweet cream. And then number two, I'd put the salted caramel. I'd put that cherry one at number three. I think I just am not as into cherries as some other people. I think I just don't love cherries. Wow, this is with bombshell. I'm one of those cherry people.

I'm a cherry person too. I love cherries. Cherries number two, whatever the fuck a praline was, was delicious. Pralines was great. And salted caramel was third. Also delicious though. Three for three. Mike and Pete. Mike Mitchell.

Holy shit. There's a Mike Mitchell involved with this. So you're the less successful Mike Mitchell. Yeah. You could say that. You can compare me to any Mike Mitchell asshole. And me, Carl, Maxwell Lothario,

Pete Mitchell, Tarte. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. What do you think, Carl? How do you rank these boys? Pralines and cream number one by far. Very good. I guess I will say

salted caramel second. Being cherry and chocolate junk. Um, fun fact about myself. I don't like chocolate. So, I've talked about this before. Yeah, you mentioned it. I was allergic as a child.

Hold on, you were clapping for what? Who is that guy? Get him out of here. There's some pointy hands. Please clap. You guys don't like chocolate? Ha, ha, ha. I don't have no negative opinions about it, except I don't like it.

But, it's never my go-to thing, and I don't like fruit and chocolate. Real deal. If I'm going to mix chocolate, it's going to be like vanilla with some Reese's peanut butter cups in it. Or something like that. Try it when you get home. It's delicious.

But other than that, I was allergic as a child. I couldn't eat chocolate as a child. And then I grew out of the allergy, and I was just like, I don't like this shit. I can't believe that the fucking chocolate got cheered in Cleveland. What the fuck is happening? You don't like the

pineapple, the chocolate-covered pineapple that you get in those, uh... I just said I don't like fruit and chocolate. The whole front row doesn't like chocolate-covered pineapple. One woman yelled, No! Edible arrangements might...

Look, my dad died. It was terrible. But... Look, when your dad dies, tons of edible arrangements. It is the only plus side to someone dying. We will house you with chocolate, bananas, and Quincy for months.

You father, dad. There's some edible arrangements on my porch. We just go, I was eating chocolate. It's delicious. I was hiding in his bushes. I got a lot of it. I like the white chocolate-covered chocolate. You do like white chocolate. Yeah, I like white chocolate.

I don't like the cocoa. No. This ice cream is delicious, though. Yeah, the ice cream is great. If it's a binary of snack or whack, I think this ice cream is a snack for sure. Mitchell's ice cream is great. I give snacks to each one of them.

Salt to caramel is my least favorite. For sure. Pralines and cream, cherry shit, Salt to caramel. Yeah, very, very good cream. Oh, yeah? Absolutely. Yeah, there's nothing I wouldn't eat. And guys, that was snack or whack.

Just like a restaurant value feedback. Let's open up the feedback. So we're going to take three audience questions. Okay, sure. Emma is taking Dano's mic, so Mitch, you and Dano can share. And Emma, who are we going to bring up here? All right, we got Chelsea Richmond,

Samuel Goldberg, and Kelly Kurtz. All right, come on up, guys. Especially if you're upstairs, make your way down. Guys, please do not come up on stage like the guy last night. Yeah, if you try to come up here last night, we'll get you in the face. If you're like shit-faced, just say, hey, I'm shit-faced.

Yeah, if you're too drunk to ask a question, it's okay. So we know what we're dealing with. Because that's okay. Yeah, to make you get tackled. I'll just let you know. This row, so like the low section here, the way it's lit, and this won't read to anyone who's not on stage,

but it looks like all the audience members sitting in that front row are headless. Because just their lower bodies are lit. It's not real, it's sort of linchy. What in the fuck are you talking about? Doesn't it look like everyone's sitting in the low section? Oh, you're in the next section up. Yeah, they're all waving now.

It's fucking weird. Well, hello, I can tell you are real people. For those listening to the podcast, we're waving to the audience now. It's really exciting. Okay, who's first? What's your name? What's your question? You got Kelly Kurtz here. Hi, Kelly.

Hi, everyone, my name's Kelly. I'm a cat actor here, and I've been adopting a pet cat. What is a Doe Boy themed name that you recommend for the new edition to our family. Oh, we get a new cat? Yes. You've got a Wallying Armor sweatshirt on, too,

which rules. Mitches cat. Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch. You are so sad. Yeah. I love Virginia. Why are you making that transition? We're from Maryland.

We drove all the way here for the show, so it's not a farm move. Oh, okay. Holy shit. Wow, what a haul. In the snow, Jesus. It was worth it. I think you're lying to us. I have a name for him, too.

Gilly Boy. Gally for good news. Gilly Boy. Nick, what are you a bit of? What did you ask? What are you a bit of when you order your food? I'm a bit of a heat seeker.

Yeah, that's true. The name for a cat, because all cats are demons, I would say the heat seeker. I'm just kidding. Your cat's probably great. It's not great.

I would recommend I have to do that. I was going to say you song, because like most cats is uncomfortable around people. But I also would say, hey, look who's up on stage. Quincy's own Dano.

Maybe Dano is a good name for a cat. Wow, Dano. Definitely has a double association. Creature Dano. It's destined for a life of just being overweight and just leave that alone. For Moncler.

The better part of Quincy than where Mitchell's from. You're moving to Charlottesville. Name it Tiki. People came to Charlottesville. That's not who we are. I'm just joshing. A name I didn't use for Wally.

I almost named Wally Ludwig. Ludwig, huh, fuck it. This is Sam. Hi, Sam. What's your question? I want to preface it just by saying that I started listening two years ago and it was about the time my daughter was born and I used to take her on walks

and I think she's listening as much do-boys as I have. So if she's fucked up later in life, I'm going to have to track her down. Oh no. Was her first word cuck? Just third or fourth. So as a relatively new dad, I've been wondering what favorite from your childhood

would you never allow your own child to eat? And the second part, what would you name said child? So it kind of connects. Wait, what was the second part again? What would you name said child? Probably cringe now. We've got another naming one. But what favorite from your childhood

would you never give to your own child? Yes. Favorite food from my childhood that I wouldn't give to my child. I have an immediate answer to that, and there's a thing. So my parents, I love my parents, but there were no guardrails in regards to what I could eat in the house.

If I wanted something, they would just get it for me. And they just enabled my terrible eating. Which, you know, they were probably just going to try to keep me from fucking pulling a... Who were the fucking... Erick and Dylan? They're all the fun boys.

They're probably just being like, ah, I just fucking get him some food loses my... Oh, I said the Menendez brothers. But... Dylan Claybold. Eric Harris, right? Wait, that wasn't the naming the child part, was it?

No. Anyway, I was going to... No, don't name your child Dylan Claybold, please. But I was going to say, the thing that I remember having that I was like, this is so terrible for me, I can't even eat it anymore for nostalgic reasons

because it's all cheese, easy cheese. The one that comes in the can that you spray out like whipped cream. And I used to have that both on Wheatlands crackers and directly into my mouth. And it's fucking terrible for you. It's so processed, never feed that to anyone.

Definitely not a child who's developing. So that's my answer. Anyone else? Sure, I got one. Don't name a kid Derek Claybold or Eric the other one. And I'm sorry, but fried bologna.

I ate that shit forever. Interesting. And that is not good for you at all. That's a fucked up thing to feed a kid for 13 straight years. It's good for me. I'll race anybody out here tonight. In the cold. I would just tell my son or daughter

that a full box of mac and cheese is not acceptable. Oh my God, that was my after-school snack. That's insane. I would come home and make myself a full box of macaroni and cheese. That's four servings. That's bad. Don't do box, mac and cheese.

Oh, don't give him soda or some shit too. And name your kid Mitch Jr. Even if there is no Mitch, just name him Mitch Jr. First of all, name your kid LeBron. I think... I think white people should start having ghetto names. I'm asking about your kids.

If you were to name your kids. I'm asking about your kids. Little Mitchell. Me and all my brothers named Carl. So I'm going to continue that tradition. That's true. Like George Foreman. Yeah, like George Foreman.

My dad named all his boys Carl. And I will do the same thing. We used to do this thing in the south where we eat what we call vienna sausages and crackers and hot sauce. That's bad.

Don't do that. That's the one. Let him try it once if he likes it. Because it's delicious. I still do it now and I make money. Those boys can't be bought, but I can. But yeah. Don't feed them that.

Because you don't know where that meat comes from. That's like less quality hot dogs. And hot dogs are already trash. And this is like the leftovers from that shit. You're just rubbing in our face. I'm not fucking having kids. We have weak seed.

What do you think? I'm going to mold all my Kleenexes. I'm going to mold all my Kleenexes together to a little boy. I'm going to mold all my Kleenexes together to a little boy. I'm going to mold all my Kleenexes together to a little boy. I'm going to mold all my Kleenexes together to a little boy. J.

Neva and Kevin the fucking Kleenex boy. The fucking diluted one percent milk that comes out of our urethra that's going to father a child. Oh god. Anyway, one final question. Hi, what's your name? Hey, guys, I'm Chelsea.

Hi Chelsea. We saw Carl this week and one of the reasons is if you guys were a demon, what food from a chain restaurant would you force humans to eat for eternity as torture? Wow.

As some sort of punishment you're saying. It's a punishment. Boy, this is an actual question. Can we be good demons? Can we be little niggies? Sure, whatever you like. Awesome. I'm sorry.

I'm a demon on the good place this week. And... Oh! And she asked if we were demons, what will we do to make people's lives hard? Yeah, what food would you make them eat

from a chain restaurant that would be torture? That's a great question. This is good. Very good question. Well, not Popeye's chicken because Popeye's chicken fucking rocks. 100%. There's a little Nicky connection there, right? Yes, no, I just said it in a weird voice.

I love... This is... The challenge of this is I like everything. So I'm like, what is something that a fast food or chain restaurant has that isn't good and I'm fumbling? Um... I'm gonna say...

I'm gonna say... Unlimited breadsticks from the Olive Garden. What? Because I think that would get tedious over time. I think if you were just eating those butterbrush breadsticks...

If you were being force fed that, that would be very unpleasant. And it would just be starch and then if you just have starch with no protein, gradually your brain atrophies. So that's my answer. Damn. That is such a great question. You have put me on the spot.

It's difficult. Little fries. No, those are good too. We do like oven fries. Yeah, you put them at 450. They're very crispy. I didn't like when McDonald's started making artisanal sandwiches. Oh, yeah.

Who wants that? I don't want to eat nothing artisanal. Yeah. Oh, fuck. This is a great question. Go ahead. Wait, maybe we just... go to the fucking fast food places. Wow, that's a great answer.

We put Mandarin oranges on a Wendy's salad. Go fuck yourself. That's how to fucking torture someone. That McSalish shaker from McDonald's used to hit, though. You had one? Hell, yeah. You put a ton of crunch on that shit. Fuck how you've bested me.

Cranch. Cranch. Cranch. Cranch. Cranch. Cranch. God, shoot fucking crunch into their mouths. Cranch until they just all crunch. Bam. It's a great question. Anything off the Taco Bell healthy menu too.

Oh, yeah. That shit is bullshit as well. Yeah, like a McDonald's fruit and yogurt parfait. That's good, though. You like that one? Hell, yeah. Never worked for me. Never clicked. It's one of the worst things we ever ate on this show. Mmm.

Keros is bad. Keros is really bad. There's a chain we went to early. I don't know if it's big enough to qualify as an answer to this question. I think like a demon would go, look, this is fucking sick. Where did y'all eat Keros in? Santa Monica? The Keros we went to was in South Pasadena. Okay. Yeah.

But there was one in Santa Monica that is now a fucking, like, headquarters for, like, Squarespace or some shit. It's so fucking weird. I told these guys I gotta eat Perkins. Y'all like Perkins? Yeah. Yeah. All right. This show is almost over.

This show is almost over. We should just walk up now, not saying anything. That's a great question, by the way. That's a very good question. Thank you. My answer is egg salad sandwich dipped in tomato soup from Swanson's. You know what? Yeah. I'm gonna go ahead and say tartar sauce on any hamburger.

Yeah. Dano said the 99 where we went together. Yeah, that was rough. Uh, I don't know. Cobb salad? No, they said hot salad. Hot salad, of course. Stop trolling me.

Should we give this ice cream away? Does anyone want to eat ice cream that we've all dug our spoons into? You sick fuck. You guys are weird. You're animals. Yeah, bring it on. Brie, I'll go. You can give it to him. All right.

Sweet cream to people. This is how I die, huh? I'm not gonna throw it. What the fuck? I feel like this is just like a... Yeah, we should probably give him a spoon. This is like a traditional Midwest ritual. The distribution of the sweet cream. Everyone just passing a pint of ice cream around.

Did I give you a pint of ice cream without a spoon? Yeah. All right. No, the audience brought their own spoons. Guys, that's our show. Dan O. Carl Tarr. Carl Tarr. Emma Erbrink, our producer.

Just want to say the Midwest, you guys have been awesome. Thank you, guys. Thank you guys so much. You guys rule. We got to give it up to this guy for fucking carrying our ass for three shows. Thank you, Carl. Fucking game. Stay warm, Midwest. A true size game.

The main freezes and don't snow. What the fuck is that? Emma Erbrink for fucking... Fucking kicking ass. Dan O. For last minute jumping in here. And Nick... Fuck you, buddy.

Fuck you, you piece of shit. Thank you, guys. See ya. Thank you. Get up for Nick and Mitch. Get up. These are my bosses. These are my bosses.

They signed my paychecks. Watch the Doe Boys Double Every Tuesday only at Patreon.com. Slash. Doe Boys. That was a hate gun podcast.