Doughboys - Taco Bell 2 with Jon Gabrus (LIVE)

Episode Date: January 26, 2017

For the Doughboys' foray into the Bay Area, actor and comedian Jon Gabrus (High and Mighty podcast, Guy Code) joins to discuss his favorite restaurant, Taco Bell, and to contemplate mortality. Mitch gets a hometown surprise. Recorded live at the Eureka Theatre at SF Sketchfest.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

0 Audio On November 3rd, 1957, the Soviet spacecraft Sputnik 2 rocketed into orbit. Just 32 days earlier, the launch of Sputnik 1 had blindsided American intelligence and fired the starting pistol in the space race. But Sputnik 2 distinguished itself from its unmanned predecessor with the inclusion of a passenger, Leica, a stray dog trained to be the first living being in space. From the beginning, Soviet scientists had cruelly booked the terrier a one-way ticket, with plans to euthanize Leica by dispensing poison food before her oxygen ran out one away when the cooling system malfunctioned and the terrified dog cooked to death in her orbiting tomb. Still, the mission was a scientific triumph, and while Sputnik is in the history books, at the time, its dog-man follow-up, Mutnik, was an even bigger factor in motivating the panicked US government to act, demonstrating the advanced state of the USSR space program versus America's non-existent one. As the Americans formed NACA, later becoming NASA, locations were chosen for its facilities. Cape Canaveral, Florida for its launch pad, Houston, Texas at the insistence of LBJ for mission control, and less famously, the Los Angeles suburb of Downey, California for the construction of modules and rockets. Downey had become one of the nation's most productive aircraft manufacturers during World War II and would go on to assemble the craft for the Apollo program and the space shuttle.

Downey also proved culturally influential in its connection to two fast-food juggernauts. It's the home of the oldest operating McDonald's, the first with the famous Golden Arches, as well as the birthplace of the world's largest Mexican chain, whose founder claims to have invented the hard-shell taco. Thirty years after its first location opened, the South of the Border franchise made another dog famous, Gidget, the Chihuahua cast as a Spanish-speaking dog with a single-minded craving for Mexican cuisine, indicated by her famous four-word catchphrase. Gidget starred in dozens of commercials for the taco chain from 1997 to 2003, vastly elevating its profile in a struggle just as combative as the space race, the fast-food wars. The canine actor Gidget was euthanized in 2009, but like the canine cosmonaut Leica is today immortalized for a noble performance in the compulsory service of mankind. This week on Doe Boys, Yo-Ki-Ero Taco Bell. Welcome to Doe Boys, how are you doing? You're at the theater! Thank you guys so much for coming out. We're coming to you live from the 60th annual SF sketch fest presented by Audible. I'm Nick Weiger, and please welcome my co-host, sentient carafe of expired buttermilk, the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell! Howdy ho everyone, thank you for coming out.

Rest in peace to Gidget. May Gidget rest in peace. A story career. Two dog deaths to start the show off. Right. To get people into the mood, that's great. Good work. How the ho!

Disfunation. Now, we talked about this backstage. And what a bad idea would be to play a drop. The thing is, it's such a part of the podcast that I feel like, I feel like most people here would, I mean, why would you come to the show if you didn't know the podcast, right? So I think there's some expectations of the convention that people want to see played out. I say play the drop. Let's do it, 30 seconds, waste some time. Oh no, hold on a second. It's hard no matter what, everyone.

I don't think people have to play drops on their regular basis. It's tough, right, Nick? Kill some time for me for a second. What's the issue you're having? Just the play button. Good so far. You don't like fries? What the fuck are you talking about? I do think I don't like fries.

That's more ridiculous. I don't like fries. The truth is out there. There we go. Alright, I gotta give props to somebody. Worth it, worth it. Hey, it's that guy's drop. Yeah! Hey, thanks a lot, Riley. Riley Henderson. At Grouch AFK.

There he is, right in the center. Very strange, two center, if you ask me. Looking right at him. He's got a laser scope trained on you for some reason. Thank you, God. Let's end it here. After what we just ate, which we ate just minutes ago, literally. Yeah, we usually have, and we sometimes have a pre-record meal, but usually not immediately before doing a live show,

and also usually not five pounds of beans and cheese. Yes. And also, you should tell him I was the responsible one. I was here. Guys, here's the thing. I give Mitch a lot of guff, and it's mostly deserved, but he really stepped up to the plate today. I had a kind of miserable situation.

Me and my lovely wife Natalie, we had plane tickets, a plane that was supposed to have an early flight this morning. It got postponed until 5 p.m. out of Long Beach Airport, so we had to hurriedly drive all the way up here, up the 5, that miserable fucking drive. She was a trooper. A round of applause for my wife, please. Yeah! Great job.

Natalie. I said to Nick, I said, relax. Everything is under control. I got everything covered. Mitch stepped up to the plate, and he went over to Taco Bell, and he successfully bought Taco Bell. So give him a round of applause. There was a women's march today in San Francisco, as across the country.

Hey, let me tell you, you don't feel any more insignificant when you're going to Taco Bell, and you're walking by a women's rights march with your cell phone and you're looking at your order for Taco Bell, and you walk by the march into Taco Bell. I felt like the biggest piece of shit on Earth. It was terrible. There's really no piece of counter-programming

that's more directly antithetical to the goals and aims of the women's march than three white men talking about Taco Bell for 90 minutes. Not only that, I went into this Taco Bell, I got a gigantic order, and I actually held up people who were going to the women's march, and they had signs, because it was a Taco Bell Express. We were going to go to a Taco Bell cantina, and it was impossible to drive anywhere. It was a shit show.

It was a shit show, and so we went to a Taco Bell Express. They're not ready for a $100 order. And so I was literally, there were people with signs in line being like, fuck, we gotta go, what the fuck's taking so long? And I said, sorry, everybody. We're doing Taco Bell too. And they said, what the fuck does that mean? Oh, well.

Hey, to the women's march, cheers. Cheers. A little hot brown. You don't have to say that. Do you want them to know what your drink was? Well, I don't know, I mean. Is that coffee? No, it's not even coffee.

It's in a coffee cup. You could have helped the fiction. I was referencing a birthday boy sketch where you say hot brown. Oh, man, that makes me feel sad. Six people said, ooh, not sold out tonight. Go check it out. Plug your show real quick. Plug the birthday boy show.

The birthday boy is 10.30 p.m. tonight at Cobb's, Cobb's, Cobb's stage. The Cobb's stage. Cobb's what? Cobb's comedy. Oh, of course. Cobb's comedy club. Check it out. One of the best sketch groups around.

Oh, man. It's a lot of great, the hilarious sketches in their IFC show and their live show and their videos online. If you guys have listened to the podcast, a lot of our guests are members of, past guests have been members of the birthday boys. That's true. We spent Art Stalen, who did that fucking drawing,

is in the birthday boy. He'll be on very soon, too. So yeah, if you guys, if you guys don't have plans tonight and you're at the show, go check out that show. It'll be a lot of fun. All right, cool. Thanks for coming, guys. See you.

Good night. This was branded content for, to plug the birthday boy's live show. The birthday boy's live show. We had a, so our guest. Yes. He had a, he had a travel odyssey of his own. We had another, yeah, another little crazy travel day for our guest. Did he make it in time?

You guys hope so. Cause we can't do this much longer. No. We need someone out here. We're on fumes already. You want to bring him out? No, you do it. All right, I'll bring him out.

No, but I meant, I meant like in the abstract. Do you want to, is the timing right to bring him out? Should we bring him out? Yeah, for sure. Okay. We'll bring him out. Jesus Christ. So continuing the Spoonister Six,

Mitch's six week run of booking guests. That's right. It continues to this live show. Man, what's Nick been doing the last couple of weeks anyways? I'm very, very thrilled to have this guy back. You know, I'm from Guyco County, Bang, Bang. It's a great podcast, high and mighty. Please welcome back the show, John Gabriel.

Yeah. Hey guys. What's going on? Thanks for having me. Yeah. There we go. I love, you brought everything in that little case. I know.

I realize I had my hands full back. When you said hot brown, I thought that was my announcement. Because I've been creating countless hot brown backstage in the lead up to this. You guys were curious, right? The show, you know, like backstage, when you see like backstage of a hot, like in Hollywood in a movie or something and they're running all around again, their costumes on. The scene like that, it was like that back there, but it was just everyone running around worrying about whether they had the shit or not.

We were like, do we have to go? I don't know. I have to go. It was awful. Gabriel's pointed out that they're, the way we were positioned, so there's like a long table back there, but it's a makeup table. So in front of it, there's a bunch of lit mirrors. So we were just literally three like hunched men eating Taco Bell while staring at our

own reflections. It was like, like an awakening seeing that. I was like, sour cream and your flavor saver. And you're like, I got to fucking turn my life around. It was fucking off. And Dustin, our producer, Dustin, who's here tonight, give it up for Dustin. He was like, I need to capture this. I got to capture this moment.

I was like, no, don't take that photo. It'll be the last thing I see before I fucking jump off the San Francisco bridge. Is that what it's called? The famous bridge in San Francisco? I'm nervous. The show just started. The Golden Gate Bridge. You got the crowd to cheer about your suicide location.

I brought gifts for you guys. A small gift for you guys if you guys want it. Of course. God bless you. This is called probiotics. And I brought a couple. This is just live active cultures. It's going to help us in the long run.

It might be the thing that brings you back from the edge, my friend. He was telling him a lot of stuff backstage. This is a perfect gift. I swear to God. Is this a line of treatment you've been doing? Yeah. I've been trying everything in my power to... The levees broke in my bottom half of my body when I was like 11.

Right. And I've just been fucking packing clay, trying to sort it out down there. But between probiotics, psyllium whole husk pills and avoiding beer and brown liquor, I've kind of turned it around where I no longer have to wipe my ass with a hair dryer. I can... A hair dryer? Yeah. I used to just have no...

I just take such about loose shits then. He would dry it. You get that, Weiger, for God's sakes. I was... Look, I had a mental image of him using it as some sort of wiper extension. I didn't think about using the... Taking a hair dryer, wrapping toilet paper around it. That's what I thought you were discussing.

That's all that's within arm's reach. Right. I hope that this is ecstasy. I want to see you Weiger flip out. I thought about that. But neither of you took it. I was going to do a bit like just kidding. Molly, after you guys took it.

And then try to fucking rub ice on Mitch's nipples backstage. Our buddy, our good friend Jordan Morris, a very funny man who's been on the podcast before. Love Jordan. But he... I work with him and I have insomnia. We've talked about his sleep problems before. But I have insomnia and I've tried a few different things. And Jordan just like at work just gifted me.

He was like, Hey man, I got you a vape pen with some marijuana in it. And I haven't... All right, yeah. I haven't... He knows you're a narc, right? He knows, yeah. Is this a vape pen with marijuana in it? 30 years undercover was worth it for that moment.

Take that MaximumFun.org. I alerted the authorities and they informed me of a recent ballot measure that was passed. Made my sting operation move. So I haven't used any weed at all since college. And so I've been... This is how lame I am. Like I've been trying to use this weed vape pen this past week and I don't know what... Like how to use it right.

So I've been like texting our friend Van to be like, Hey, how long am I supposed to hold the air? Like the vape pen for? How many puffs do I take? Like trying to get step by step tutorial instructions. I'm on a chain with him and I've seen multiple of these texts. He's like, Wait, so five seconds and the light turns red. You shouldn't smoke weed. But it's like...

Yo, he is the one person I would recommend it to. But how do like... Cause how am I struggling with it? Like how are like stoners able to do it so easily? And it's such a difficult thing for me. You're a science guy. Weed is an art thing. I mean, sort of like...

I understand. You figure... I mean, I picture you like with a vape pen and like a tutorial open on your iPad. And Natalie's like, Come on, Nick. We have to leave. You're like, I've almost figured this out. Munchie. Googling munchies and shit.

It's pretty much that except it's a tutorial for Stardew Valley. But yeah, pretty much the same thing. Have you guys seen the video of Alexa and Siri talking to each other? That's basically Weiger and the weed pen. Yeah, you have a distinct advantage with the vape pen because you have that USB port in your neck that you can just charge it in. Anyway, I'm gonna take whatever this pill is and we'll just see what happens. Yeah. Yeah!

Oh, I wish it was something. I'm tripping my fucking tits off right now. That's the only difference. He'd just say that once and it would be the exact same show. Well, I'm beginning to feel. He hugs us. When you said, when Nick was like, Hey, do you want to bring him out? And you were like, No, you do it.

And that moment I was like, I bet you Mitch doesn't even know how to pronounce my fucking name. John Gabriel. Yeah, there it is. You fucking mass hole fuck. Now, I'm gonna say, look, I'm gonna tell him what we planned on doing, but thank God we didn't do it. Okay, right? I can tell. Yeah. I mean, it's sad to just say we were gonna do something and then we're not gonna do it. Well, whatever.

No, because yeah, that's fine. We were getting Gabriel. I was on Gabriel's show and we did a power hour, a drinking power hour where you take a sip of beer every minute. So our plan was we were going to do the chicken McNugget power hour. But also eat Taco Bell right before the show. Eat Taco Bell right before the show. And Ryger's like, I'm not going to get through 20 nuggets.

I'm going to be fucked at 20 nuggets. He kept saying that over and over again. And it's true. I was on that text chain and it was robotic, but he wasn't that complaining. Like you would, you are the last person that should be peer pressuring us into eating a bunch of chicken nuggets. Like I was ready to CC your fucking general practitioner. I'm like, you need to get a sign permission slip from your doctor to do the chicken nugget power hour. Well, we're not going to thank God because everything got kind of messed up today anyway.

Do you feel, do either of you feel you could legitimately power through 60 nuggets in an hour? I 100% can. Wow. Yes. I need to be dedicated to doing that. Yeah. I had a 50 piece once to the dome and it was like less than an hour, so I think I could do 60. I think we could do 62.

I mean, maybe on an empty stomach. Yeah. It'd be tough for me. I'm like a, I'm the guy who makes a buffet economically sustainable because I get full off of one plate. I'm like, I'm done. I just tap out at one plate at any buffet. You're going to stop going to buffets, my man. I do.

Boy, it's not my favorite thing for that reason because I get full real fast. I have a question for you. Hmm? What was that one time you smoked weed in college? What happened? I smoked weed a number of times in college. With all the other alto sex players or whatever the fuck you did. Here's the thing.

You guys want to get high tonight? Or else we'll be flat. Roast culture is alive. I'm a gay brist that's very clever. However, I quit playing Woodwinds after my senior year of college. Around the time everyone quits. No, I quit before college. So you had no activities in college?

I mean, Nintendo 64. No, I mean Nintendo 64. You were what, coming down the days until it came out or something? No, I'm not that old. And if I was, that's okay. I do have arthritis. I found that out. This is true.

I told you guys before the show I went to, because I have lower back pain. That's a chronic thing. And I went to the doctor on Friday morning and was diagnosed with arthritis in my back at the age of 36. Yeah. That's right. Yeah, I love we keep calling him old and he's going to outlive both of us by a decade minimum. And I think I might outlive you because like I have someone at home that loves me. I told you I was going to come out swinging.

Bring out Jeff Ross. Roast time. No, you're right. Once the cats go, that's when I'll go as well. I'm talking about how you're going to die young and I am absolutely dripping sweat right now. It does feel like we were under a heat lamp. It's toasty under these hot lights. Oh God.

It is. I feel like I'm going to shed the sweater. I'm going to do it. I'm shedding the sweater. Yeah. Shed the sweater. I would love it if he worked out for this moment. He has like ripped abs.

He's completely oiled up. Now you two take off your shirts, you fat fox. If we took off our shirts and wrestled, we'd like break tumbler. That's where the bears are hanging out, by the way. Which I've learned. I learned that we did, in season one of the birthday boys, we did a sketch where Mike Hanford and I got completely nude. All right.

We got completely nude and we just covered ourselves up and I found it. Someone sent it to me. It was on a bear website. Was it chubbarama.net? I'm on that one frequently. I mean, my picture. It's just still flattering. No, I was saying to them, I was like, wow, I've never had so many people be interested

in me in that way before. Honestly, it's worth thinking about going gay because it's like, I could like feel, my ego would go through the roof. Oh, 100%. And I got a few followers out of it. It was great. It was great. It was awesome time for me.

It's nice to get attention. It's nice for people to be interested and be attracted to you. It's always flattering. Oh, thanks, fucking Mr. Rogers. I'll sum up that story in a nice little sentence with a little bow on top of it. This is the only show where someone does like what's considered good for podcasts and you make fun of them for it. Right.

He's like, oh, I'll wrap this up neatly and move on to another topic. And you're like, you fucking idiot. You see this guy trying to like make the show listenable? Anyways, I don't want you to turn on me too much because Gabriel is now a member of the Spoonerster 6. Mitch is actively courting me. I feel like I'm the Craven the Hunter of the Spoonerster 6. I'm like one Mike Hanford fan and one Craven the Hunter fan.

How about Mike Hanford as Craven the Hunter in a Marvel movie? Who is Craven the Hunter? Who is that? He's like the weird fucking white tribal dude that was like a bad guy in the Spoonerster 6, I think. Am I right about that? He was like a white voodoo guy or something like that. Sounds problematic.

Yeah. That's why I chose him. So wait, so is the Sinister 6, that's a series of Spider-Man villains, right? I don't really follow Spider-Man. Who are the core members? Is that something where they change it now, kind of like the Avengers? Who out there knows the answer? What do you do?

It's Doc Ock's crew, right? Is it? It changes. It changes. Give us like the main line up. Doc Ock, Electro, Sandman, Mysterio. Craven the Hunter was in the original Sinister 6. What did you say?

Walter? Walter! Shit. There's a nerd fight breaking out in our audience. Nerds are yelling at each other about which one is which. I think he said Vulture. Oh, Vulture. Okay.

Which is who Michael Keaton's playing in the new movie, right? Right. So he played Birdman and Vulture. Yes. Vulture does sound like more of a supervillain than Walter, just a man's name. So now I understand. Imagine Spider-Man's like, we got to get out of here. Walter's here.

And Walter's some like big, Mitch-looking guy who's like, hey, I'm here everybody. He's like accidentally like robbing a bank by accident. Oh, sorry. Oh, fuck. Walter's here. Oh, he clogged the toilet. Fucking Walter. His superpower is lethal prat falls.

Yeah. Like I, because I only know the Sinister Six via Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark, watching that on YouTube. And then that one. Hold on a second. Did you watch all of Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark on YouTube? I watched a few musical, a few of the numbers. You're obsessed with the David Letterman, when they go on Letterman, right?

Yeah, the performance on David Letterman. Have we seen this the one where the Green Goblin is on Letterman singing Freak Like Me? It's really great. It's really, really entertaining. And David Letterman is like peak Letterman where he's like, this is garbage. Yeah. His face just conveys like, oh God, I got it every time. Right.

I got to get into more sketchy sex shit ASAP. But they have some real dog shit villains in the lineup of that one. One of them bringing out is like, a man made entirely out of bees. He's like, what? Yeah. Is that a guy? I think that's a Julie Taymor trying to get cool costumes. And it's retconning the Sinister Six to be like, the alto tenor.

I took a long walk down that path. They've got one called Swiss Miss, who's just, it looks like a woman with swords. Yeah. Swiss Miss is a terrible name. It's named for Hoco. Yeah. What? It's not threatening.

Is Walter in the Broadway? Walter does come out. Walter is one of the stage hands that wanders on stage. And the second actor, everyone's like, Walter! And then Spider-Man falls from the fucking rafters and shatters his vertebrae. Hey, you know, you said Pratt fall. Mm-hmm. Reminds me of Chris Pratt.

Yeah, that was about three or four minutes ago. Look. And that is a syllable that sounds like another thing. So, yeah. It's a fair connect. I was going to bring this up anyways, but Chris Pratt is officially an enemy of spoon nation. And I wanted to say this. Wow.

Yeah, let me tell you why. He'll be on my side. I went, I was in a couple of appearances on Parks and Recreation. As, yeah, as Bjorn Lurpus, they named me because they felt bad for me. Because you didn't want to have Fat Townie three times on IMDB, right? I wanted Fat Townie so bad. I have janitor three times on my IMDB. Do you think people were ever confused or like, is he just a janitor?

Yeah, it's under crew. Um, I, Chris Pratt, when the Doritos Locos Tacos came out, the day it came out, I was shooting an episode of Parks and Rec as Bjorn Lurpus. And I got into the passenger van and I said, I'm really excited today. And Chris Pratt said, why is that? And I said, the Doritos Locos Taco comes out and he went, uh, okay, dude, what a fucking dickhead. But you know who was nice? Adam Scott was like, that's awesome. He's a good man.

Down with Pratt, down with Pratt. That's the only thing you have against Chris Pratt and I thought he's turned his entire life around from being like us to being a literal God. I was like, oh, I like them better on Parks and Rec. Don't tell me you actually have to lose weight to be successful. That's the last thing I want to hear. Yeah, you know what, maybe that's a little bit of it too. But, uh, yeah, he's a sellout and he doesn't like Taco Bell. So fuck Pratt.

Now, I'm just going to play devil's advocate here. You are an adult man saying, I'm happy today because a taco has been released and he's like, come on, dude. He doesn't sound like as much of a villain as like, hey, broaden your horizons, man. This is called the book. Check this out. Maybe you can have your friend Nick read this to you. Sorry. There was also a lot of pipe delay for an anecdote that basically boiled down to I was awkward with a celebrity and he made me feel like an asshole.

He did. He really did. But you know what, Chris? I'm opening the door to you. You can come on dough boys and we can talk it out. Great. That's a surefire way to book a guest. Say you load them.

Say they're an enemy of you. He knows. Come on. I want him to go to Guardians of the Galaxy 3 director and be like, I'm sorry, but I got to do dough boys. I owe it to this guy Mitch. He's going to make me the Doritos Locotaco on stage. Come on. It's kind of bad that he's a big fat guy.

He's supposed to be fun. He's supposed to eat Doritos. He should be excited about that. Adam Scott was excited for God's sake. Oh, fuck it. Fuck this. No, I think it's fair. Guys, welcome back to Mitch's Hollywood bridge burning session.

You know when you guys hear big lung edits in our episodes, it's always this. It's the same story. I told this Chris Ratt story 10 times and I've had to edit it out every time. Dustin, are you on it wherever you are? Hey, there are no witnesses to this. We're good. Let's talk Taco Bell. So the Taco Bell fans out there, I assume some Taco Bells.

Do the Doritos Locotaco as a way in, how do you guys feel about that? Are we fans? I'm a big fan. What type of question is that? Look at who you're talking to. I mean, I'm a bigger fan than Adam Scott. Yeah, I'm a huge fan. I really like it in the cheesy gordita crunch.

Yeah. Right. It's like, it's barely perceptible in like a good way. Just a little hit a cool ranch in there somewhere. You know what? I'm going to disagree with you. We've been like, I've been shitting on him for like a half hour. He goes, I'm going to disagree with you.

Everyone's like, oh, that's getting serious. I like the Doritos Locotaco, but I like the cheesy gordita crunch so much as is. And I feel like the cool ranch dust that I'm looking for gets, it just gets overshadowed by that. By whatever the fuck is in there. Whatever is in there. Baja, Salsa, whatever. Yeah.

So I feel like if you get the Doritos Locotaco, you get Doritos Locotaco Supreme. That's how I do it. That's how I do it. Yeah. It's almost like you want to like figure out the point where you can still, I almost feel like for the ideal consumption of the dust. You want that to be the outermost layer. Yes.

Because that's right on the tongue. It's right on the tongue. Yeah. And that's how the chips work. So I mean, like, like, yeah, like a little bit of stuffing there, but something that wraps around it, I feel like becomes a distraction. But to me, it's like it harkens back to when in junior high and high school, we used to have cream cheese bagels with Doritos on it.

You fill up the bagel with Doritos and then you crunch it down super hard. So it's mad thin and it's just cheese and Doritos on. Yeah. That's a long island. That's a long island. You could put a fucking anything on a bagel, baby. But yeah, that was like a big lunch. And like, like, I would say 40% of kids in my high school ate that for lunch every day.

Really? Jesus. Yeah. I mean, I think that's why America is fat, but kids are allowed to just choose that as their lunch. Like, who gives a kid $3 and is like, you can eat whatever you want at school. No one makes the right choice. That's very true.

20% ate that for lunch every day. Okay. That might have been... 4 out of 10 members of the student body were having as their lunch. Every school day, a bagel with cream cheese with Doritos crunched inside. Shit. Johnny Five did the math here. I was being a little hyperbolic, but I would say no exaggeration.

20% of anyone eating lunch at that period of time was eating that. That's crazy. I think everyone liked it. Just some kids, parents helped them make good choices. Right. Not mine. Lachke kid. Me too.

You know what a big thing I like with Doritos is, and I think, does anyone like the end when you get to lick your fingers? Right? It's my favorite part of any activity. Yeah. I see what you guys are doing. What are you going to be talking about? Or do you rip down the side of the bag, turn the bag inside out, and eat that foil like

a lollipop? Oh my God. Yeah. You wear it like an inside out Doritos mitten. Anyone who has a dog knows how you put the bag on your hand to pick up the shit. I do that with the Doritos bag at the end. Turn it inside out, and it's a fucking dust-covered puppet. You could just Jeff Dunham and lick it all up.

That's disgusting. I'm sorry, but that is true. I've never done that one before, but I feel like it's like such an unsaid thing that people are licking the dust. Like you go for the dust, right? Does everyone go for the dust? Everyone gets the dust off, right? Now, I'm a full-on dust head, but when it comes to cheese doodles, I don't like it off

my fingers. Oh, weird. Is that weird? That is it. People always will lick their fingers. Let's hear a round of applause if you're always licking your fingers. Who are our dust freaks? Dust freaks?

All right. That's the dust freaks. And now who are the people who wash their water freaks? Hygiene monsters. Hygiene monsters. Way more people lick their fingers. No wonder why there's germs everywhere. But it's also like how else are you supposed to dispose of it?

Because when you're eating a meal, you're not always adjacent to a sink. Especially in a schoolyard situation. Further time, they locked the bathrooms at our school because kids were going in there and filling up water balloons and throwing them at kids. So you don't always have that. In your high school? Yeah, my high school. You went to Ridgemont High, right?

I went to Long Beach Polytechnic High. Go Jackrabbit. It's a very good school. The Jackrabbit? The Jackrabbit. Oh my god, that couldn't be any better. Your mascot was the Jackrabbit? I tell you, my school, it was not a school you want to mess around with.

We had a very esteemed football program, one of the best in the nation. We've produced a lot of celebrities. Cameron Diaz, I mentioned before, Snoop Dogg is a Jackrabbit alum. Wow. Are you guys close? Me and Snoop Dogg vaping marijuana together. Hey, Mr. D.O.G.G., how long do I hold this down for? My header?

What was the name of your high school, Mitch? Like the Quincy Barroom Brawlers or some shit? I was the North Quincy High School and I read Raiders. Oh. Now people are booing. I've never seen a more narcissistic moment naming your high school mascot and then mad you didn't get applause for it. Right.

Not even close to where it is, the other side of the country. Quincy is actually kind of notorious for this. There might be a Quincy person in the audience saying, but they're notorious for keeping this. They had the Red Raiders, it was the Yakku. It's this Indian mascot. And so Quincy kept the mascot. Oh, red as in skin.

No. No. No. We're not racist. Well, at one point it was. No. It's been retconned. No.

They were wearing red. I don't know. Anyways. Their war paint was red. Moving on. We, Quincy is like one of the, they were like, get rid of your mascot. It's not good. Quincy is one of the last places in the country that has kept their mascot.

Yakku, because it was drawn by an Indian man, Dr. Yakubian. And when they tried to remove it, Dr. Yakubian said, no, we like, I like Yakku and you can't take them away. He created a mascot after his own name. Yeah. The Yakku. Yeah. I feel like we're talking about the prequels now.

Right. Saying Yakku so many times, I'm like, I feel like that's an off brand character. Squanto was in Quincy, Massachusetts at one point. Oh. Yes. It's a very, it's rich in history. Quincy mass.

I live very close to John Adams house. John Quincy Adams. What? Sorry. I'm sorry. Everyone from Boston has like pride for Boston. Yeah. Who's not from there, who's been there, couldn't give a fuck about it.

It's where the country started, man. It's great. It's like the reverse of culture though. It's like, you might get in a time machine and go to fucking 1950s Alabama if you want to feel the real Boston experience. Bullshit. It's such a bad rap.

It's a very progressive city. We have our downsides. Yeah. I think I ordered a vodka soda in a Boston bar one time. I got called a fag and hit with a bottle. And they were like, welcome to Quincy. Go Red Raiders. And no one in the bar applauded

and it was a really upsetting moment for everyone. Honestly, could be true. And two serves you right. Anyways, let's move on. Yeah. So we had a Taco Bell order that we ate in a hurry backstage. The best way to eat Taco Bell, by the way, is in silence and as fast as possible.

I have a pick I took of the receipt in front of me and I just want to read this. The total that Mitch spent on this Taco Bell order for the three of us, $95.65. We pretty much killed, we almost killed, we did really well. I ate more when you guys started. Honestly, I am the most open, disgusting, I talk about myself so much and I almost didn't tell you guys

because I was so embarrassed. But I had like another bite of like Nick's quesarito. Not even my own food, which I finished. I ran into that kind of like, you reach a point where hunger debt, because I was hungry because I didn't eat all day. And you reach a point where you get so hungry and then you can't really get, you get full very fast

because you like, what is that phenomenon? Oh, yes. You know what I'm talking about? Like you're so hungry, you have a completely empty stomach but you haven't eaten for long enough where your body is like backed up. And what was that? Your stomach shrinks.

Your stomach shrinks. Are you involved in biology or the medical field somehow? Get her out of here, kick her out. We said exclusively healthcare professionals at this show because anything could go wrong with me or Mitch at any given moment. My favorite thing is that you were talking, when I was backstage, you're like,

I almost had another bite of your guy's food and then for you to go ahead and do. Well, I was just like standing backstage while you guys were doing whatever the hell happens at the top of the episode. You guys are getting like mad. Where I skipped the first 10 minutes now. It's like, okay, cat, ranch, coffee,

Star Wars, fucking up, trying to operate a cell phone. Nick's here like a fucking half hour in advance dealing with the tech, setting up all these cues and you're like, my thumb's, Nick, can you use your finger to push the play button? And I'm like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. And I'm only making funny because I know that too, is that I never hit the button I want to hit on the phone because my thumb is a fucking mass of oil. You hate yourself and I am you and you are me. Yeah. And so we hate each other.

And you're from Boston, I'm from New York, so it's like we are the flip mirrors of each other. Like we're going to knock each other out like Rocky and Apollo, like the same punch at the same time. We should see if we can time cop merch. If I can just go into you and become one, what happens? They become like a big loop, right?

Right. I think it happens to, wait, who's that? Ron Silver. Yes, Ron Silver. At the very end. And the idea is that same matter can occupy the same space at the same time they merge. And it's just basically they directly ripped off the end

of the T-1000 death in Terminator 2. That's what happens. Like they kind of merge and they shape the ship through a bunch of different things and then they die. And then they die, yeah. Sorry, spoiler alert for those who haven't seen time cop yet. And Term-NT2. The double spoiler.

The two movies that you have either seen already or should never see. Givers, are you a big action movie guy? Honestly, I grew up watching them. You know, I don't want to get into some sad shit, but I realized recently through some soul searching that part of the thing I love so much about action movies is it was literally the only thing

my father and I had in common. Like the only thing you'd be like, Jaddy, come here, come here. This is Steven. My dad's like a favorite actor with Steven Sakal. So I was just like, cool dad, yeah, I love Karate too. I took, my dad was a martial artist and I started taking Karate, yeah.

My dad was a six foot five blonde hair dude with a ponytail who was a second degree black belt in Taekwondo and carried a knife. He was like legitimate like white trash who thinks he like rose to some special. Just flying the pendulum back and forth between like, fuck him, I miss him. We are, you and I are members of the Dead Dads Club.

We're in the Dead Dads Club. Whoa, yeah, who's here in the Dead Dads Club? Yeah, that's what a shitty club. It's one of the easier clubs to get into. You don't have to do much. Don't go trying to join it, anyone. So how about who's here, who has a dad that's still with us? Who's in the pop, pop on top club?

Okay, great, great. Fuck you. I would love it if a new runner on Doe Boys was Nick Weigher flaunting his father's life. I was trying to inject a little positivity and optimism into this. Some of us still have so we can treasure our continuing experiences with our fathers.

Well, bad news, he is going to die. No, I'm aware of that. We already got that, we checked that. We're done, we're ready. I'm just waiting for my mom to pass now. Jesus Christ, let me knock on wood there. He loves his mom. Dead jokes are funny.

Come on, everyone, lay off. I love my mom. She always used to make me the best pub court. My dad, actually, I'm going to tell this, look, if there ever is a Doe Boys TV show, there probably never will be everyone relaxed. No way, no one cared anyway. I have told Weigher that I'm going to bring him

to my dad's grave. And play it for him? What's that? And play it, oh, in the show. He meant like, bring the laptop and be like, look, Pop, I made it. I eat fast food on TV now. I just picture you putting noise-canceling headphones

on a tombstone and playing an episode and be like, Nick, let's me pick the guests now. I'm going to bring Nick to my dad's grave and on the TV show, we're going to apologize together. We're going to both apologize to my father. And then I'm thinking I'll pick out a headstone for you while we're there. Kill two birds with one stone.

No need. Five plots in that bad boy. My mom got a deal. Hey, there you go. I've asked and Wally and Irma's ashes can be buried with me. And there's the Mitchell. I'll be under the Mitchell bench. We have a Mitchell, it's a bench.

Perfect for a lazy man like me. It has like a full Tom Brady statue on it, right? He's like trying on Uggs while he votes for Trump. Eli Manning is a fucking Democrat, baby. I want to tell an Eli Manning story, I don't even think, actually, I think I can just tell it, but hold on a second, before that happens, it's an all marble lazy boy at my dad's grave.

Is it really? No, no. I was like, what kind of money does the Mitchell family have? Jesus Christ. It reclines and everything. Does the, is your headstone already there pre-engraved with the end date 2019? It says October-ish.

Yeah. Here lies Mike Mitchell, eaten by his cats after dying in front of them. There's a, I have said this before, if I die in Wall-E and Irma and eat food, I hope that they do eat me for sustenance. Right.

I don't care, they should eat my body, I'd be happy if they did, so. The weirdest applause breaks. They tend to eat your face first. Good, that's the worst. I don't want anyone to see my fucking bloated fat face in the coffin. Oh my God, then you get like,

you get revived by EMTs, and you have to live with your cats without a face. And every time you walk into the house, Wall-E and Irma are like, oh Jesus Christ. We should have just like, checked his pulse or something before we went straight to eating the flesh off his skull. At some point, you're emptying the cat box,

knowing that you're disposing of fragments of your own digested face. Like Wall-E. Circle of life. Wall-E really struggling to shit out my nose or something. Anyways, I love Wall-E, and that would be fine. So beefy five layer burritos.

Right. Yeah, we got the cheesy gordita crunch today, and we also got the, I'll run down our order real quick, and we can just do that. Oh, he's great at segues, like you said. You're literally stepping on his segues. To tell me he's great at segues.

Who wants, I'm gonna have a drink. One more drink. Yeah, just one more. That's it for the night. I got a big sketch show where I memorized all my lines. All right. Point of the egg. All right.

We want people to come to the show later. Here's our rundown. Cheesy gordita crunch, five layer burrito, quesarito, nachos belgrande, the double dia with steak, and double decker tacos,

and also one bag fee. There was a 10 cent bag fee. That's where they get ya. Those motherfuckers at Taco Bellyx. I think Taco Bellyx express, or maybe in San Francisco, they juice their fucking prices up. The express was definitely more expensive,

because look, for three cheesy gordita crunches, right, look at that. 17.97 for three. That's excessive, right? That's $5.99 a CGC. That's fucking crazy. You got fleeced.

Well, it was the only place I could go. I know it's your only option. I told you about the woman's rights. Oh, I thought there was just some big, like, chick arts and crafts fair going on. I told you about it. I realized how believable it is that that might be my point of view.

I've done nothing to prove to you otherwise. I'm an ally, guys, trust me. I love everyone. I love the blacks. I love the gays. And women? Who likes women more than me? We were gonna go to the Taco Bell Cantina,

was my, what I wanted to do. That's like the fancy restaurant one, right? It's the fancy restaurant one. They have share bowls. They have frozen, the one in San Francisco does not have booze, which is a big part of it, like a part of the appeal.

It just has the frozen drinks. It's like the one with the beautiful architecture, right? It's like all wooden shit. Oh, yeah. It's very, it's super nice looking. Who here has been there? Anyone? I got in my lift.

The guy was like, the woman's parade has started. The woman's rights parade. Is that what, the woman's march? You're a little like, the thing that the chicks were doing with the fucking walking and the signs. I'm an ally, too, but they already don't believe.

I swear to God, I don't want to be here today. The women's march is how I've heard it. The woman's march was started, and the guy was like, we can't, we can't do it. It's impossible. So we went to this other one that was the Taco Bell Express.

I got out, I had to walk three blocks. Oh my God, moment of silence. Moment of silence for Mitch's boxers, which are a shredded wet mess at this point. I'm assuming. Do you say shredded? Shredded wet. Oh, because I'm speaking from a point of view.

Yeah, you know what's up. He knows what happens. I've taken off my underwear and been like, it looks like a fucking team of rats was in the taint of my Mack Weldon's promo code, mighty. For all of you who want bigger folks, holes appear in your underwear because they get messed up like cheese graders.

Yeah, I have like the reverse of a thigh gap. I have like a thigh overlap, where my thighs touch and then seal together and then I have to unbreak them with every step. Do you find that you can't get your waistband of your underwear to just not roll over either? All the time. Maybe it's time for you guys to upgrade

from the size 34 boxer shorts. God, I was a 34 waist in eighth grade. I've said, like, I reached under 200 in college at one point when I was rowing crew. This is like six days a week of working out and like intensely working out. And I got under 200 pounds. I got to 195 and I looked in the mirror

and I looked like a fucking like goofy bobble head. And I was like, this wasn't worth it at all. And I quit crew and I started eating. That's exactly what fat people say. It's like, I actually look worse when I'm healthy. You know, your head looks huge now. You might as well also live longer. I think part of it is just though

it's like an adjustment to your new image because it's just like it feels so, because you may be someone with a naturally big head, but if you're a big head and you're... Stop talking about big heads for fuck's sake. I know I have a giant head. I'm just saying, like... You brought it up.

Man. You can be a guy with a big melon, but if you're a little leaner, you're just a guy with a big head. And you're just like, oh, that dude's got a big head. Like, it's just like it becomes a part of your essence. Is that worse? I can't even tell.

Is that... No, I think that's better. It's like, for real, no one's ever referred... I'm six foot two. No one has ever referred to me as tall in my entire life because there's an adjective that's more accurate and that's fat. Oh, I thought I'm like...

Everyone... I'm sorry. I thought you were going to land on racist. Yeah. Why? Rush culture. Man, you learned that handshake from Snoop Dogg. I didn't know what you were going for.

Should we talk about... Should we just end the pod... Or should we start talking about... We should definitely end the podcast in the abstract. Yeah, generally should. I was going to say Taco Bell 2 is the most jumping the shark. Like, we're back to Taco Bell. Who gives a shit?

Well, let's talk about... We've run out of ideas. Well, no, here's why this was a worthwhile thing to do. One, Gabriel has a passion for Taco Bell. That's true. Secondly, our first episode of Taco Bell was our second episode ever. We hadn't figured out a lot of the things

that keep our podcast going. We had extra bonus segments that we didn't need. We were doing a bunch of roll-ins that were unnecessary. You and I still got along. There were a lot of elements that weren't in place yet. And also, we focused on the breakfast menu. So we haven't done a proper Taco Bell review. And we're probably still not going to.

I feel like we have 30 minutes left. We have a little bit of minutes. We can speed through this a little bit. So the cheesy gordita crunch. This is a favorite of yours, Gabriel. This is your standard order. That's why I go at least two CGCs with every meal. Gabriel and I, we're brothers,

because the cheesy gordita crunch is my favorite. It's in my top three fast food items of all time. Yeah, it's in my top three food items of all time. Wow. I love the cheesy gordita crunch. It's the best. We've talked about this before, a demolition man. They talk about how Taco Bell wins the fast food wars.

And then it's because of things like the cheesy gordita crunch. This was what? When did they create this? 15 years ago? But then there was a few years when it wasn't, they looked it off the menu, but there was one Taco Bell in Massapequa on Sunrise Highway. And they would still make the CGCs.

And we would drive three towns over because they still had the cheesy gordita crunches. You said something backstage that I would like to reiterate. You said, I think Taco Bell is my favorite restaurant. You said that? And I think I'm going to, like, I'm trying to eat healthier, so now I don't eat fast food anymore. Whenever I do, though, it's always Taco Bell.

Taco Bell is maybe my favorite restaurant. I love Taco Bell more than anywhere on Earth. And a lot of people, look, I know that... Oh, no, we're... What? Oh, all right, good. What happened? I'm done.

Should I be done? Hold on, wait, hold on, hold on. Roll with us. Keep talking with this one. I'm going to pull it from the big boy over there. My sweaty hands glitched the microphone. Jack, yeah, that one is done. That's fine.

Did I just turn it off most likely? No, I didn't. Oh, well. Weiger, do you have a favorite fast food taco spot by any chance? Look, I have a fierce allegiance to Del Taco. Thank you. Thank you. There's no need to...

There's no need to boom! There's no need to boom! You can let the Del Taco fans cheer and just remain silent. No. It's just spiteful. And this is the problem with fucking Taco Bell fans is they want to shout down the opposition instead of letting Del Taco people have their say. Like, there's room for both.

I don't, like, tell you you're a piece of shit for preferring Taco Bell. He's a piece of shit for a number of other reasons. Right, exactly. There's plenty of other stuff to lean on. It's fine to like Taco Bell more, but I prefer Del Taco as to many people who came who grew up with it. Natalie's in the crowd going, like, that's literally the most passionate I've ever seen. I was going to say she's burying her hair.

Dear God. Well, at least you didn't get worked up about that. But I feel like that's an East Coast, West Coast thing, because I never saw Del Taco until I came out here. It is to some degree, but also they're both from the West Coast. Like, we're talking about two that were created in Southern California. But they're both from the West Coast. I'm saying that.

I'm saying we can both, we can claim them both as Southern California originals. That's where both of them came from. And so, but Taco Bell spread throughout the country. Del Taco has stayed on the West side of the Mississippi, so it's just created a little bit of a divide there in terms of what people have experienced. But I love Del Taco. It's great. It's a lot of variety, but I prefer Taco Bell.

I like Taco Bell as well. I understand people who prefer it. But you're, so you're still a fan of Taco, like you're, you're not like, but if you're Yes, I like Taco Bell. Yeah. Yeah. Here, switch microphones again. There you go.

What is that? What happened now? I didn't like leaning over the entire time. I felt like I was in your space and I wanted to get out of there. Wait, why were you leaning over? Just, there was just too much tension on there? No, yeah, there's too much tension on there. There's not enough slack on the wire.

Oh, there's less, there's more slack on this one, even though it's further away. Hey, do you know what, crowds love more than anything? Talk about the mics. There's, there's plenty of tension up here. Cheesy Gordita Crunch. We also had the five layer burrito. Which I have never had. New to me.

I've never eaten the five layer burrito. Yeah, that's my lance a lot. If CGC's Arthur. Sorry, let me get you off. No, no worries. If CGC's my Arthur, then the beefy five layer is my lance a lot. Why are you going to put it in, why are you going to put it in those terms? Camelot terms?

Camelot terms. I don't know. I tried to think of a second banana like real quick and I couldn't think of one, like of a famous like second choice. Right. Then it's like, well, then what's Merlin or what else do we got? Merlin is cinnamon twist. Like I, I don't fuck with Merlin.

I'm more of a sword and shield kind of guy, but if they're there, I'll give it, you know, I'll give it a go. Lady in the Lake, Mexican pizza? That kind of works out there. Lady in the Lake is the Baja Blast. Oh, there you go. Okay. I was going to say, you talked about the five layer burrito backstage and I really liked

what you said. I just want you to, I want you to say it again because it was, it was right on. It's, it's, I think it's the most quintessential Taco Bell item because it's just five different colored gels wrapped in a tortilla. And I mean, I fucking love it. It's the white gel sour cream, the brown gel refried beans, the yellow gel cheese, and that's all you need. It's just those three things and some beef fucking in a tube.

It's, it's, it's really, really good. But I feel like if you have that, like at the wrong time, it is such a liquid tube that like it could get you sick or something. Right. As a man who likes a spoonful of mayo, I think that is right up your alley. Well, yes, but I also like that. I like when I'm eating this kind of less authentic Mexican food to have a little bit of crunch in there.

I think that's part of the peel. And so when you get something that's just pure mis, and this is an issue with, What was the last one? I think something happened on the, I think something on the microphone. The, or on the fucking big screen up there. Doesn't matter. So I like to have a little bit of crunch in there. But the thing I ran into with a quesarito, or I'm sorry, the five layer burrito and the

quesarito and frankly, any, everything that's kind of got just the, that big flour tortilla is it gets a little gummy. Their tortillas are a little like, they get a little extra chewy and they got kind of this gum like consistency that I don't think is, when you get a lot of it, it's just a little overwhelming. Yeah. They feel like you can slide them under someone trying to kill themselves off, say the San Francisco bridge.

And it would like save that. Like you feel like you, like three firefighters could unfurl a quesarito and you could like jump off a building into it safely. They're so rubbery. Yeah. It's like chewing a bicycle tire. It's like, it's not particularly pleasant. I like, I like that sensation, but you also said that if, if you put a, you said backstage

if you put a five layer burrito on your tongue, it would dissolve. Yeah. It's like, it's like a salt and cheese pill. You can just like, you could dissolve it in water and like slant. I want to start eating beefy five layers like gogurt, you know, like, like at the five, at the five mile mark on like a race, just grab a beefy five layer and squirt five colored sauces into your mouth. I also like that this is like, you know, how would people eat gogurts on marathon runs?

I think it's safe to say I've never been in a road race before. But I imagine if I did, you'd want to jam down a couple of gogurts. You want to gogurt on a marathon run? You know, real, real quick, speaking of a road race, friend of the podcast, Evan Susser was a little shout out for Susser. That's never ran one before. He, you were on this, you were on this texting. He hasn't run a marathon.

He said, he thinks he could beat me in a hundred meter dash because he thinks he has quote, explosive speed. That's, that's another thing that like out of shape guy, like, well, I'm pretty strong. Like that's what fat guys lean on all the time. I'm fast and bursts. It's like, no, Weiger is like built like a fucking gazelle. You're, I mean, your back might crumble halfway through the race. But I have, my money is on you big time.

Although I think I could beat you in a race. Do we have another length on our stage? Oh yeah, I would if my underwear wasn't a shredded wet mess at this point. The quesarito we got with the quesarito and then the double D. Let's talk about both of those. Quesarito, is that a common order of yours, Gabriel? It's, it's a newer thing. Right.

It recently came out and I've, so I've added it into the rotation, but it really is too, a little too close to the beefy five layer for me at this point. Yeah. It's very similar. And you, you kind of alerted me to it when you mentioned that. And I was like, as I was eating him, I think I said to you guys when I had like, you know, I eat Taco Bell like half, half, half, half, and then started again from the top, you know, and I had like four bites left and I couldn't even tell you which one was which.

It's true. They started, they started to kind of merge together at the end, but just the little end nuggets of them all. And as you get your, you know, sodium induced tunnel vision and like everything's a little fuzzy and you're lightheaded, you're like, I can't tell the difference anymore. I, I, I don't like, I don't love the quesarito because of that. I am, I'm not a huge quesarito fan. I go with the, the loaded grillers.

Do people like the loaded grillers? The Chipotle chicken loaded grillers. Yep. That one is great. And then there's a, what's the other? The beef one and then there's a potato one I stay away from. Yeah. No, too many carbs.

I try to go as paleo as possible at Taco Bell. Just like the cavemen used to just scoop up yellow sauce. Why are you asking me for a bean and cheese cup? I tell you why I asked for that. We know. It's for nostalgic purposes. Your first thing you ever had from Taco Bell, my buddy Dane's house, his parents got us a Taco Bell to go order and I didn't know, I'd only been to Del Taco.

So I didn't know what the menu was. So I asked for a quesadilla. Most likely tacos and burritos like Del Taco. They didn't have a quesadilla at the time, buddy. The quesadilla is like five years old, right? Yeah. It's not something that they had. And so I asked for a quesadilla.

They didn't have it. They got me a bean and cheese cup instead. And that was the first thing I ever had from that. That is not an analog. No. It's like a standard second choice. Right. Oh, we can't find chicken and cheese and tortillas.

It's like, ah, give them a bowl of gruel. We hate Dane's friend, Nick Annie. Yo, this is the only podcast where you know the two hosts, all of their high school friends. I know no other podcast where like, you know, like, Ira Glass is like, yeah, I grew up in Baltimore with my buddy Squidzy and Malone. I know, like, all of your friends. There's a reason we always talk about Star Wars and Nintendo and then like our childhoods is because our lives as they are are so bad now.

They peaked then. Yeah. But we can retreat into things that are associated with like being with our friends and watching the original trilogy or playing Mario Kart. Like that's when we, that's what we have. I mean, we're probably miserable then too, but we remember that with fondness. No, I would love to be a little child in a diaper again. I would.

That would be amazing. Going back to. That was your highlight? Yeah. I mean, to be fair, you wore your diaper all the way till junior year of high school. Like that Merrill, have you seen adaptation that Merrill Streep breakdown at the end where she's like, I want to be a baby. I want to be new.

I want to be a baby. That's pretty much every night for me at the house. As your in-home aid changes your diaper. I don't want to be a baby. I'm not into infantilism. We won't start that. No, it was a better time and it was a great time. Childhood is great.

A lot of fun. Eat whatever you want. Are people sad for me? Let's keep moving. You can eat whatever you want as an adult for sure as well. Yeah, but you feel it. That's fair. The last hour I felt like I'm going to die.

That's really what's crushing about the moving conveyor belt of time is as you get older, you feel the impact of every bad decision. And then when you make a new bad decision, it's like it's exponential how much damage you're doing to your body and to your life. And so you really feel the impact of it. Oh boy. Yeah, it's like you may have gained a bunch of levels, but your health points definitely went down. Right.

And it's also like the difference between being charged as a juvenile and being charged as an adult. Like you charge as a juvenile, you can like, there's a little bit of a consequence. Your record is expunged at some point. But as an adult, your life is just fucked forever. Do you get sponsored by Taco Bell by saying eating Taco Bell when you're a child versus eating Taco Bell adult is similar to jail time? Yeah.

Any of our young listeners out there, get your crime out of the way before you become, before you hit 18. Don't get charged as an adult either while you're at it. Three school shootings, my kids in dough boy shirts. One of them being Wyger. Good God. Back to my high school. Long Beach Polytechnic Institute or whatever.

This one's for you, Cameron Diaz. I have no reason to take revenge on the student body at Long Beach Polytechnic High School. Many fond memories. How'd you guys feel about the double dilla? From school shooting to the double dilla. I am definitely trying to swing it away from this. What distinguishes the double dilla or double dilla from the quesadilla? Double dilla, that's right.

That's definitely how you say it. I was, Samson, I was way off. I was doing, I think I introduced it as a double dilla. So it's my fault. Because this is a menu item that was new to me and it was like a folded over quesadilla and then it had chips on this. Is the chips the element? What is it?

I think it's just twice as much stuff inside. Gotcha. The standard quesadilla from Taco Bell is like loose leaf. It's like this thin. Yes. And it's just the thinnest tortilla. And actually that's what I like about it is that it really showcases the Baja sauce or whatever they put on that.

If someone was starving and they were locked in a room, you could easily slide the regular quesadilla under the door to them. Yeah, I used to smuggle the quesadillas into school wrapped around my calves underneath my socks. Like soccer shin guards. I would pull them out and eat them throughout the day. They really are like, I feel like quesadilla like the grilled cheese sandwich is the simpler the better. Like I just like a very, very simple, just give me a cheese between a tortilla.

Like it's just like it's simplest iteration is the one that's going to be the most satisfying to me. Once you start adding more, maybe some meat is okay. I think chicken is like the second, like I'm with you about quesadilla. I also think quesadilla might be my favorite Mexican food. Oh, wow. I mean, I'm sure there's like a Mexican like being like, are you fucking, there's not a Mexican thing.

Right. Like, but like, I feel like the quesadilla is like the ham and cheese sandwich or the grilled cheese or, you know, it's just like the perfect, it's so simple and so yummy. I agree. I love quesadilla, but burritos are number one for me. Burrito gets the top spot over everything else. I feel like you're a burrito or a quesadilla, but like, you know, not you in particular, but I mean, society is divided between burritos and quesadillas.

You guys are forgetting tacos. It's a, it's a, the yin and the yang are the tacos and burritos. No, I'm not, I'm not saying I'm a taco stan. Right. What I'm saying is that, something people say, um, see your pal Weiger knows what the kids are into. Your old pal Weiger, all right, get him out of here. I'm immediately arrested.

So maybe that's the, that's your three. If you're into Tex-Mex food, you're like, you're in one of those three schools. Right. Hufflepuff, Gryffindor and taco. It was really like hunger games is out here. There were different sections that liked quesadilla versus burritos versus tacos. How many people are burritos fans? That's pretty good.

I'm going to, I'm keeping an eye if anyone claps twice, we're throwing them out. You can only be once lines are being drawn now. Who hears a quesadilla head? Not bad. Dia. Dia. What's that? Jalapeno sauce.

Jalapeno sauce? That's the, that's like fucking Slytherin. My favorite thing is a sauce that's hot. Or is that what you like about burritos? Oh, that's, I think that's what she likes on her quesadilla. Oh yeah. I forgot. I did say yell out toppings guys.

Hey, everyone individually yell words. Let's, let's complete the survey. Where are my taco heads at? Oh shit. I think it's taco. It's a big taco contingent. Wow. Because the thing is tacos encompass both hard and soft.

So you get both sides of it. Yeah. Yeah. And you can mix it up too. Like if you wanted to get one al pastor and one chicken. Right. It's reasonable. You kind of, that's my issue with a burrito is that you're kind of locked into like one thing.

And if you go to like an authentic taco rio or a taco truck where they just like really have like a great al pastor. Yeah. You want the thing as filling as a burrito is filling and delicious. A burrito is a way to be. You can eat multiple tacos. You can load up on tacos. That's the advantage of it. Yeah.

It's this battle that we have going on. And I would say that if I was going to make a case for quesadillas in this moment, I would say that quesadillas are the only one with melted cheese, which is a huge food. That's true. Fuck. Fuck. Where do you stand on French fries in your burrito like California style? Do you like that? Absolutely.

Love them. Get them in there. Get French fries in the burrito. Make it even worse for me. Guys, we started a little late, but we're running long. So let's get to our double-decker taco and then let's get to our final thoughts. Double-decker taco. What do we think about that?

So I got to give just a quick backstory to this. I ran into a couple of people who were going to the show. I forget your names. I'm sorry. Was it Sabrina? Yeah. Sabrina. And what's it?

Ryan. Sabrina and Ryan. I ran into you and they gave us a recommendation, a double-decker taco with no lettuce, add nacho cheese, and shredded chicken. Ooh. And so we got three of those on their recommendation. Very good. And it was-

Came to $61 for those three things. It was actually very expensive. And I will see you guys after the show. They were really, really good. I really liked those. I don't really swap things out ever at Taco Bell, but that was some good swapping you guys did. Yeah.

The nacho cheese was a huge addition. I thought that was standard. And I was like, why am I missing out on- Now if I- I'll just add nacho cheese to fucking everything I order from going- Yeah, this is a bad thing for us in the long run. Ryan and Sabrina, our blood is on your hands. We used to eat Taco Bell for lunch every day in high school. It was like just far enough away that you got drive there, jam it down and get back

within one period. In high school, my friend, BJ Karp, like sour cream so much, he gave a Taco Bell employee $50 so he can have the sour cream caulking gun. And he kept it in a fucking cooler in his car. And we would go in a Taco Bell and he would take- we would order like a 10 pack of soft shells, which was like 690 at the time. And he would open them all up and just be like- Now I just want like two holsters, sour cream and nacho cheese, just fucking on everything.

That sounds like- that sounds like a cartoon like baby Sopranos or something. Give him $50, get the fucking caulking gun. We'll put the fucking sour cream in it every day. I assume this guy is now the mayor of Long Island City. Long Island City, famously in Queens. I don't know the neighborhoods of New York, okay? Well, I learned Long Beach Polytechnic Institute. I keep forgetting what it's called in the middle of the reference.

Let's get to our final thoughts. So, Gabriel, you've done the podcast before. You guys out there know how this works. We'll give our closing argument and then a rating of this chain on the order of one to five forks. We will start with you. Oh man, if we're going purely- this has no nostalgia involved. I'm not like that. If we're going purely-

I have no reason to look back at the past. The future is now. These next four years are going to be fucking great. I have nothing in the past that excites me as much as the current state of things. I think I'm comfortable saying if we're going chain restaurants, I gotta go five forks to Taco Bell. Very fair. Now, Nick, you know that I'm giving it five forks, everybody.

I'll talk about it a little bit, but I also have to say to Nick, it's not in the Platinum Plate Club, correct? It's not even in the Gold Plate Club. I gave it three forks the first time around. That's so fucked up. That's so fucked up. So you better just think long and hard before you give your fucking score. And keep in mind that this truly doesn't matter whatsoever.

But also, it matters more than anything. I love Taco Bell. It is maybe my favorite restaurant. I love a lot of San Francisco restaurants. A big fan of a... I can't even remember one. Rice Charoni. House of Nankang, I love.

Tartine is good. I don't know. I've been to all these places that are great up here. There's a ton of restaurants I love up here. This is called pandering, by the way. I love the food in San Francisco. I just wasted about 60% of what I'm going to eat here on Taco Bell. And I'm still happy because Taco Bell is so good.

Even the Taco Bell Express, which took so long, it took 15 minutes to do it, it was way expensive, it was worth every penny. If you're in the mood for Taco Bell, it's different than being in the mood for tacos from a stand, burritos from a stand, quesadillas from a stand. Yeah, it's not Mexican food. It's its own category.

It's its own category. And look, Carl's Jr., the head of Carl's Jr., is a piece of shit. Andy Puzder, new secretary of labor. Yeah, new secretary of labor. It's a huge piece of shit. Maybe in the next four years, Taco Bell's going to be something strong that we can hold on to. It's not going to change.

They're always reinventing themselves. Five forks guaranteed. Weigher, do the right thing. Do the right thing, Weigher. Weigher's going to fucking Gary Johnson Taco Bell's opportunity here. I just want to say real quick, I think you're placing a little too much faith in the CEO of Yum Brands, as if he is not also a monster capitalist like all these guys.

That's the thing about covering these fast food chains, is that all the guys in charge, like to be in charge of one of these chains, you're probably a piece of shit with a few exceptions. You have to be comfortable adding dog meat to something to put five extra cents in your pocket. Right, and paying your employees as little as legally possible. So, that said. Alright, that's a little downer. Let's keep going.

I mean, that's the reality of this industry. That's why things like Fight for 15 are important. That's what I was going to say. Here's what I was going to say. I prefer Del Taco to Taco Bell. Everyone knows that. I don't fly any false flags. That's how I roll. That's my opinion.

I understand that Taco Bell is an important chain, and I enjoy its food, and it has a valued place in the pantheon of great fast food restaurants. For that reason, I'm going to give it a good score, not because you fucking bullied me into doing it. I'm not responding to your pressure, Mitchell.

He's got a gun! The crowd rushes out. That would be fucking crazy, like the movie Chris Nick just blows Mitch's head off. And he goes, three and a half orcs. Alright, that's the last things I hear. Three and a half orcs.

No. I'm going to give it a good score, not as high as Del Taco, but three forks was too low. That was me reacting primarily to its breakfast menu. If I go to its general menu, I think Taco Bell absolutely deserves four forks.

Yeah! Yeah! It should be five forks, and fuck you for not giving it a five. Well, maybe it'll get there if it works on things a little bit. We'll do it for Taco Bell three years. And Mitch's funeral.

Everyone puts an item from Taco Bell they like in my casket. And it splits open. My casket splits open and I spill onto the floor. My pants fall down, you see my small dick. Hot sauce falls on my small dick. Wally walks up and eats it.

Visibly still hungry after finishing your little dick. That was her view of Taco Bell. Nice snack! Nice snack! That makes it official you've stepped on every single segue at that moment. What was it? You were saying nice?

What was he saying? Wally was saying nice snack! I was going to say a cat speaks for the first time in history after eating my dick. That's all it took, ladies. I'm helping you out here. You can meet a wife tonight.

How small is it? Two cats. I'm going to die soon. You're making the shape, brother. Hey, but all that dope boy is funny. Oh yeah, we're all in it. You know, if you listen to the podcast, Mitch makes a lot of references to his beloved hometown of Quincy and his many friends all with insane Boston nicknames.

And Mitch doesn't know about this, but I thought some people might want to put some names to some faces. So take a look at this video. What the fuck? I'm Mitch Starchy. Yeah! I can't believe you told the story, but I still want whipheads on your podcast.

Well, I'll do it. This is Justin. Justin Kiley. He mentioned me on the podcast before and mentioned the story about when we showed each other our little pincis and six years old or so and for some reason he failed to mention

that I was fully erect. What's up, Fitchell? It's your buddy Adam. I'm actually playing that voice message that I told you not to play because it may sound a bit hard to. Fitchell, you told me never to

show anybody. Fuck you, bitcho. Oh my god! You're supposed to be running your layer about how your obsession with handjobs has affected my life. I don't even know where to start. You need help, buddy.

Mitch, here's that video you won't stop bugging me about. Now stop asking me to text nudes. What the fuck, Wiger? What the fuck, Wiger? Wiger! Hey, hey, hey! Congrats on all the success out there in LA.

I hear the job is moving up there now, too. Can't wait to see Tom Brady lay this mat down next time I come up there to see it. Congrats, bud. Go, Pax. This is Mike Remondi. I'm barely five, six and Mitchell's terrified of me. I'll just admit that I've waited a total of three full days

for him to get out of his house and I'm picking him up. Hey, Mitch. Dan by here. I can remember when we were little kids playing video games in the basement and you shoving two-eater balls of Pepsi in your face followed by Domino's

Puppet Gino's Burger King. I can remember people asking me, Dan, you need to get Mitch to stop doing this because he's going to be obese. And I said, no, no. One day he will found a great podcast

and he said, you're welcome. I am here with no founder of your board. Well, Mike, don't wait for that paycheck. What the fuck, Weiger? My mom is my 10th grade English teacher.

I always felt that, you know, she kind of liked me more than you. And that fact was confirmed the other day when we were having lunch at our favorite spot and she told me that she would have preferred me as a son because I have what some people call

a real job. I go like, I don't listen to podcasts. I can't remember if you shared the story with the podcast or was it just our group friend? Was it on set or after set? Like at home that you masturbated after

filming those scenes with Birdie on level? Oh my God! Last time you were home you told your mom that you were visiting my kids but you were really out trying to scare a handjob. Hey, this is Angelica, Chankton's Better Half.

Mitch, we're excited to have you over this weekend after your show in San Francisco. We made your bed for you just the way you like it full of pussy. Wow! Wow. I just want to say great sound

design on that video. What an egregious misuse of your time, Weiger, but that was fucking awesome. Well, now it makes sense that you wanted to do my bed after your bed. Well, yeah, you have a guest here, Chankton. Guys, it's a live

show. I want to do a live hometown hero, but he already was in a bed with a bunch of pussy. Ladies and gentlemen, Chankton. Come up to the mic, Chankton. Where are you? There he is. He's making his way from the back of the stage. You gotta love a guy who knows he's getting caught

to stage who sits dead south. Chankton! What's up, buddy? What's up, dude? Go, Giants. Well played. Well, Chankton, the video kind of did everything you had to do

so you can just get the fuck out of here. You can grab this mic real quick. Go ahead. Can I give a review? Yeah, you can give a review. You know me, you know I have an Asian fetish. Well, we all do. You know I like Asian.

Yes, you're right. So I'm going to talk about Chinese food. I fucking love Chinese food. Oh, my God. This is going exactly right. This is actually a review of my favorite Chinese food restaurant in the Boston area, Majestic Dragon. Yeah!

No? It's not really a chain restaurant, I guess. It's just a one-time thing. I feel like Steve Bannon co-wrote this. So racist. No, so yeah, one of my good friends,

Adam Wu, who's a big listener. He listens to every fucking podcast that you guys have. That's right. He owns the Majestic Dragon. He's the man. And he makes the best Mai Tai's

and the best shark fin soup you can get in the Boston area. I talked to Charlie before the show and I said, stop drinking. I should have talked to Shankton's mom during pregnancy.

So, uh, I said, I promised Mitch I'd roast you if you came up. I'm sorry, Angelica. No, so Wu Tang, he makes the best shark fin soup. Charlie, stop saying that.

Everyone's gonna think it's true. Everyone's gonna think it's true. You know, eight spoons, because you can't give it five. Eight is a lucky number in China. Eight is lucky in China, right? He does. It's like Chinese thing. Eight, right?

That's a lucky number. So I'm giving it eight spoons or no, forks. Is that how you do it? His fiance, I'm his best man. His fiance is half Chinese. He's a good man, everyone. She's Japanese. She's Japanese. Oh. What the fuck?

She's not Chinese. There he is. There he is. There he is. It's the shark poacher himself. Forget it for a little while. I'll do the nightmare. Did you know this was happening?

Oh, yeah, I knew this was happening. If you're listening to the podcast, Adam Wu has just stepped on stage. Adam, do you have any words you want to say? Damn, I got you all. What? They see you all? They see you all?

He's doing a scene from Dear Hunter, I think. No, no, no. I just wanted to say... That's Vietnam, if we're just going to conflate every Asian culture. I just want to say I'm a huge fan. Thank you.

I love you. I can't believe you're here. It's retarded because I... He's kidding. I booked my trip on Tuesday. And I was like, all right, I'm going to book my trip, whatever. And then Weigar did all the

work. You don't do anything. It's so... What have you done? It's so weird. I have text messages from Weigar. We're best friends. I'm announcing... I'm joining the burger brigade. Yeah!

But you know what? It's not even that. And it's not even that weird Giants hat over there. But I... I grew up in Quincy. Quincy's Irish, all the Irish neighborhood. You know where I grew up. Joe Yo lived on the same block.

Where you guys are from, Quincy? It's funny. It hasn't come up yet. It's fucking funny that you mentioned Joe Yo because Joe Yo's here. Joe Yo! I see Joe Yo and Kelly Rose.

What's up, Joe? Making the right choice. Oh, they don't even want to come up here. Joe Joe's watching both of you guys incriminate yourselves. But I just like to say thank you. You don't do anything. She's alright, Adam!

How bad do you feel about bragging about buying Taco Bell today? When behind the scenes your co-host is having your high school buddies... I feel terrible. Thanks for coming out. Sorry, Angelica.

Sorry, Angelica. That went exactly as I expected it to. I'm not usually that close to car crashes. Alright, so we're running... We're running very tight on time. We were running very tight on time. We were going to do a snack or whack

with some seven layer dip combos I bought from a truck stop. Just throw them out into the audience. Whoever wants them, I'll throw them in the front row. Catch them in the front row. There we go. Wherever they landed. He hit him in the nose. He's bleeding.

Are you okay? I'm sorry about that. Are you alright? You're sitting in the splash zone. We're just going to skip that. They're going to give us a snack or whack from the second row while that's going on. If anyone has any questions, we have this microphone right here.

We have time for just a couple questions real quick. We're going to open up the feedback just like a restaurant value or feedback. Anyone who wants to ask a little query? Anyone not from Quincy. Anyone not currently poaching sharks? Someone stepping up, a young lady. Hi, what's your name?

Carolina. Weigar. Weigar. I heard your complaint about the design of the packaging for the fan send-in stuff. So I made you a better Weigar challenge.

Oh, wow. It's designed for you. What? Oh my God, wow. Sorry, the box is weird. I made it this morning. That's amazing. God bless you. Thank you so much. So, hold on. This looks like a

black box that has a it says the red Weigar challenge logo on it. So how does this work exactly? You open it and inside you'll see, I think, it's self-explanatory. Awesome. That's so fucking cool. Wow, this is amazing. Thank you so much.

Oh, that's awesome. Oh my God. We've got, okay, so there's a bunch of, I mean, possibly brew dogs that are surrounded with these labels and they have a little pull here to reveal. This is a pretty ingenious design. I'm very impressed with this. I'm sorry, Caroline or Carolina? Carolina. Carolina, this is amazing.

Big hand for Caroline one more time. Carolina. That was cool. Who wants to follow that with some stupid question about chicken nuggets? That's what I was going to say. Amazing, but technically not a question. We're getting the light.

One more question real quick, then we'll wrap it up. Anyone who's got a question at all, feel free to step up. Does anyone at all? Doesn't look like there any, oh, one guy. Hey guy, run up here real quick. Run over to that microphone. He's making his way from the other side. We'll do this as we're getting the light and then we'll wrap things up. Hi, what's your name?

My name's Justin. Big hand for Justin, guys. Hi, Justin. My question is, as you guys run out of chain restaurants in the Los Angeles area, if you have considered branching out to some more regional chains that are in the Midwest and East Coast, like White Castle or Skyline Chili?

Great question. We have considered doing some travel. I mean, the thing is... God knows how late Mitch would be to fucking meeting in Alaska. One and a half days later. Yeah, I mean, it's just the logistics of it, but yeah, I think there's some regional stuff

we would love to check out. What regional change should we investigate that we haven't covered yet? Skyline is my jam. Skyline is the... I've heard a lot of Skyline out there. Waffle House. We're going to do a lot more. We're going to go on the road at some point for sure. Right.

That's the documentary I want to see. Is you two on the road together? We'll bring you along. You never get to see R2-D2 and Chewbacca alone. We're going to wrap it up there. Thanks so much for your question, Justin. If you're listening out there, if you have a question or comment on the world of chain restaurants,

email us. Doughboyzpod. Check out our Facebook page, Doughboyz, follow us on Twitter at Doughboyzpod. Rate, review us on iTunes. Guys, that'll do it for Doughboyz Live. I just want to quickly say that that was an awesome surprise. I'm so happy to see my Quincy buddies.

They're the best. That's amazing. And thank you to everybody who came out. And to John Gabers, the man. Thank you guys. Mr. Dustin Marshall drew in the book. Thank you guys. Have a great night. Thank you.