Doughboys - Taco Bell 6 with John Hodgman, Paul F. Tompkins, and Arden Myrin (Live)

Episode Date: July 15, 2021

John Hodgman, Paul F. Tompkins, and Arden Myrin join the 'boys for the second live episode of the Doughathon and review Taco Bell.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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at headgum.com slash live. That's right. Get your tickets at headgum.com slash live. The King of Comedy. Today, better known as the title of a Scorsese film that formed the inspiration for Todd Phillips Joker, for decades this was a nickname of an American entertainer known by his stage name, Jerry Lewis. From the age of 15 until his death at 91, Lewis spent much of his life on stage and screen, first gaining fame as one half of the Martin Lewis act with heartthrob singer Dean Martin, and later solo as the star of broad comedies like The Disorderly Orderly and the original Pre-Clumps Nutty Professor. This is goofball antics gave him a rabid fandom in France where he's known by another

nickname, Le Roi du Crési. And speaking to his autourist bona fides, as a director he pioneered the now omnipresent use of monitors to watch video playback of takes on set. And Lewis also pioneered a portmanteau of television and marathon, the Telethon, with his series of televised fundraisers for the Muscular Dystrophy Association beginning in 1966. And though Lewis drew criticism later in life for perhaps exploiting the very people he was hoping to help, the financial impact of his efforts was undeniable as his telethons raised an estimated $2.6 billion in donations over six decades. Will the doathon prove it successful? Only time will tell if Burger Boy and Spoon Man can compete with the man

called the King of Comedy. This week on Doe Boys, as we close out the 2021 doathon raising money for the Restaurant Workers Community Foundation, we return for the second time in 24 hours to Taco Bell. Welcome to Doe Boys, the podcast about chain restaurants. How's everybody doing out there in the chat? We're hanging in there, we're hanging by a thread over here, but thank you all for sticking with us to the bitter end. Hopefully, actually, it'll be a little sweeter than bitter, a little bit more flavorful, a little bit more toothsome, especially with the guests we have lined up, but we'll get to that in a second. I'm Nick Weiger, let

me introduce my co-host, a spoon-shaped fool, Mr. Slice, Mike Mitchell. I'm sorry, I accidentally, I did the thing again where I added you and then removed you in quick succession. I just was too hasty with the left click. I do not look good. You look great. You look great. No, you're very self-conscious about your own appearance. Oh, Mitch, we got to record. I, Lies, I am recording. I forget to record. Okay, I'm rolling now. Jesus Christ. You fucked up big time. Well, I can take my intro separately. The dumb fucks who listen to the show will never know.

Why? I'm going to take a slice right here. Here we go. Here's a slice. Look at that. That looks delicious. I want to show everybody this slice, how it looks here. That's what we got here at the bottom. Wow, incredible. At the bottom of the pie. Let's see here. I like the size of that slice too. I mean, I'm sure it's somewhat distorted by your gigantic oven mitt hands, but it is still like a smaller slice. This is actually a 30-inch pizza. By the way, donations are coming in again. If anyone was trying to donate earlier, it looks like we have gotten past the PayPal

blockade and can once again collect donations for the Restaurant Workers Community Foundation over our Streamlabs charity link, rather. Mitch, that roast was from Mark. Radiohead inspired pun after you dubbed them The Brawlers. All love. Thanks for the last roastspoonman at gmail.com. I'm not going to lie to you. That's a Doughboy's miracle. That's the best bar pizza I've ever made in my life. Come on. I swear. Even with the floor fragments? I'm going to have to drop the fucking cheese on the floor every time I do it. It was fantastic. Please don't make that part of your recipe.

That's the best bar pizza I look like I ran. I look like I just ran. I guess I don't have to say ran a specific amount. I just look like I ran, period. I ran a yard. Do you? Okay, so be objective for a second. How much of it is like this is the best execution of bar pizza and how much of it is like under these circumstances, I was able to put this together and when I tasted it, boy, that was exactly what I needed? Or do you legitimately think this is the best? This is the best bar pizza I've ever made. Wow. It's great. Well, hey, Mitch, in other good news, we've already exceeded our threshold of $125,000

raised for this foundation, the Restaurant Workers Community Foundation. As you were biting that bar pizza, we just passed the $140,000 mark. And I think by the end of this stream, I think we're going to hit $150,000. I think that's extremely plausible. We need to push to $150,000 with the guests. Yikes, $150,000. And guess what, sir, the best guests, I want to say how to Spoon Nation for Mr. Slice, for real this time. And Yikes, I got a little drop for you, but if we're going to push it, if we're going to get 10 more K, I can't speak. If we're going to get 10 more K, if we're going to get 10 K more, we have the guests to do it. We have the, we have, as they say, a murderer's row.

A murderer's row. Let me play your drop for you, Mitch. Thank you, Wags. And then we can, and I apologize, the mix might be too loud. I'm doing my best here. I'll try to adjust on the fly, but I didn't get a chance to test this. We're going to play your drop and everyone's who can, who's watching the Twitch stream can hear it and then complain about it in the chat. That's fine. I know the drill. And here we go. It's a Cheetos restaurant. That's right.

Cheetos crusted fried pickles. They didn't taste like Cheetos. Spicy Cheetos nachos. Cheetos. Cheetos grilled cheese and tomato soup. I mean, that sounds great. Also, it's a Cheetos tomato soup. Really good. So there's Cheetos in that tomato soup. That's going to be a lot of cheese. Cheetos. Cheetos.

Maybe a better version of these Mac and Cheetos. Cheetos. Cheetos. I'm going to give this a little bit of wild card. When I was eating keto, what did I have to do again? Uh, announce Cheetos. Great drop. Mitch, do you have who that's from? No idea. Drop King.

It's the drop king again. It's from Drop King again. Our associate producer, Robert Persinger, who picks the drops that are submitted by listeners has himself gotten back into the drop creation game for this event. Wow. Incredible. What a return. Return to the king. Return to the drop king. Return of the drop. I don't know. I tried.

I loved it. I thought that was outstanding. Wags. Wags. I got to tell you, I know that you're miserable right now. I'm hanging in there. Yeah. No, that's not. No, I'll take that back. I am miserable, but I'm also hanging in there. I got to say to you, you're going to be okay. This is going to end. I'm going to, I'm going

to do, I'm going to, I'm going to hit the 25th hour just on my own, but you, you can go to bed as soon as this show is over and you can go to bed knowing that. You're a hero. Don't be, don't hero on me. Look, Wiger had to leave, Wiger had to leave, but I handled it myself. I did the 25th hour of my own. Wags. It's not that at all. You didn't sleep at all. I got to sleep a few hours. I got, I got, I got probably two and a half to three hours of sleep. So.

All right. You, Wags, you did your job. I was going to tell you, you should go to bed happy as a clam. We helped, we helped raise with all these amazing listeners who are here today and everyone watching and all these amazing guests. We all helped raise a big chunk of money. You should go to bed happy. I'm not, I'm not trying to pat ourselves on the back, but you should, you, you, I know it's, you feel miserable now, but you should feel good. There's no way not to come across as you're patting yourself on the back, especially when you do, when you're like, this is a charity marathon named after us and we're doing it.

Look at what we're doing. Like you look like a, kind of like a fucking asshole, but I guess I'm okay with looking like a little bit of a crowny asshole. If that does ultimately route some money to an organization that is doing a lot of work for the rights of workers in the food service industry, which as we know are perpetually under attack and more important than ever, as we've seen that restaurant workers how crucial they are to our economy over the events of the past year. And Wags, I'm not trying to be a hero, but I got this last hour on my own. All right.

I can do this. All right. Give me my Armageddon moment. I want to Bruce Willis Armageddon moment. You want to explode on the moon? Yeah. You want to die? Exploded in one way or another on the moon.

Oh boy. That's right. Would I be the first? The first zero G load. Actually it's not zero G. It's low G. I was wrong there. I feel like someone's probably, someone must have busted in space. What are we doing?

Why are we having this conversation? You think Armstrong, he busted when he, when he, when he first stepped on the moon. Right. Jesus Christ. The fucking NASA laundromat was like, ew, he fucking nutted in his suit. It's actually, we didn't understand that was a part of adapting to a lower gravity environment. Constant nutting.

Yeah. You're just fucking prostate relaxes and you fucking shoot a hot wad. That happens. That's happening with Bruce Willis too in that Armageddon moment when he's on the asteroid. Yeah. It's very sad. I got, we should, we shouldn't get our guests in here because they're so good. Let's get our guests in here because we're flailing and this is, and they're funny and

we're not. Mitch as the doathon winds down, we have a trio of all star guests to carry us home. I'm going to bring them all. Did Mitch leave? Did we lose Mitch? Did we lose Mitch? Did we lose Mitch? We lost Mitch during the final episode.

Okay. All right, he's back. Did you think I was gone for good? Kind of. Just trying to keep you on your toes. No, I just hit a wrong button. You're back here. Let's get some, let's get them in here.

Let's get them in here and apologize to them. I'm just going to introduce them together. Yeah. Five minutes of their appearance is just groveling. A trio of all star guests to carry us home, John Hodgman, Arden Marine, and Paul F. Tompkins. Holy shit. Hey.

In one universe. In one universe. Hello. Hi. Thank you so much for being here. Oh my God. The podcast extended universe. That's what Paul dresses for Taco Bell.

It's my Saturday. Oh my God. Thank you all so much for being here. I mean, I guess I'll just sort of say, I'll just ask a question like I would on the podcast. How about this? I'll put this to the floor. Great idea, Nick. Sure.

Tell your body what to do. What are everyone's feelings on Mexican food? Where do you rank it among your cuisines? Big fan? 15 out of 10. I love it. I love it. I can eat tacos all day, every day.

I love it. I think Italian is probably my favorite, and I think Mexican is probably like so close behind it, you wouldn't even believe it. I like Mexican food. Wow. Fine. Thank you. I think it's maybe my favorite food, but part of that is a byproduct of me growing up

in Southern California and just having been surrounded by so much of it. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. That's right. Yeah, you did. You're good, Nick. I'm buzzing a nut in my space too right now. I'm sorry, you guys.

I just saw Jason's feed. I got excited. I'm sorry. I got so excited. We've lost our mind. We look like shit, and we're very grateful for you guys to be here. I gotta be. You guys look great.

I gotta be honest with you, Mitch. I'm a little worried. I was with you for some of the Twitch stream earlier, especially like when you broke your strainer by clogging it with tomatoes. I didn't know you could break a strainer. It was pretty amazing. Pastine brand tomatoes, New England's favorite canned tomatoes. I appreciated that.

And let me tell you, go ahead. It's the best bar pizza I've ever made. Go ahead, Mitch. It's fantastic. It's the best bar pizza I've ever made. Go ahead. It looks so good. I know it had stuck.

I mean, look at that. The gutter ratten me, the gutter, I mean, as you know, as you know, there's like a real side of me that's like pure trash. And there's a side, I would eat that flora-covered pizza. Like it looks so appealing to me. Go ahead. Go ahead, Arden. Thank you, Paul.

Thank you, Paul. Every Saturday I pay Paul to come over in formal wear and just like, give me permission to speak, and it makes me feel safe, and I love it, and it works for me. That's my house. That's actually my guest room that he's in right now. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

I give Paul the nice one. Guest room is gigantic. Go ahead, Nick. Go ahead, Nick. You don't mind if I just direct the show. Because the camera shots are static, all I could do is just direct who talks when. Here's a question for you, PFT. Yes.

You're a famously well-dressed man. What do you do when you got a sloppy meal at a sharp suit? Well, I, of course, have special napkins that have a buttonhole in them, so I can attach that to my tuxedo stud and eat that way, and it protects my, a lot of people think that's a hillbilly way to eat, but it's actually, it's actually fancy. You ever been to, anyone ever been to the Hillstone family of restaurants? We're talking your Houston's, they have a Hillstone Bandera. I've been to a Houston's, yes.

Love it. Love them, and they do a thing at the Houston's. Go ahead, Arden. I'll give you it. Terrible. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Paul. And that's a go on Arden.

Let's go. Yes, I love Houston's. I've been to a lot of different places. Camera 2, camera 2, camera 2. I love a wedge salad. Yeah. I've been to Houston's. I love it.

Wow. It's my turn to speak, Paul. Arden. Did I say go ahead, Arden? No, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my bad. I'm so sorry.

Take it. Take it again. What I like about Houston's, and I don't know if anyone's ever brought this up, but the, the employees are shareholders in the company. How about that? That's great. How about that? That's huge.

Yes. I did not know that. I did not know that. I've never heard of this restaurant. Go ahead, Paul. It's good. Houston's is good. Yeah, it's great.

You go to the Century City Mall. Yeah. Show yourself like a real king. If you go to Dallas, there's one that's just like Houston's, but it's called, I guess they're mad at the name Houston's, so they call it something else, but it's Houston's with a different name. I ate like every meal there when I was, I love it. Truly a fantastic wedge salad.

It's like a fancy steakhouse diner, enormous menu. It's like the steakhouse version of like a, like a cheesecake factory size menu, but like expensive. Right. It's a leather bound gigantic menu. It's leather bound. I wasn't paying. Yeah.

It's fancy. There's a bookmark. Get a bunch of them, make a pair of pants out of it. Nice leather pants, right? I would love to see that. Sure. And they're all steak. They're all shareholders, you say, Paul, eh?

Go ahead, John. Okay. Anyway, Mitch, what I wanted to say was you look terrible and I mean, I feel terrible. I just really, I mean, cause when I saw you earlier on the stream, I'm like, everything seems to be holding up okay. But when you sat down in your current position, I honestly gasped. I hope you're okay. I'm okay.

I, the pizza came through the pizza looks fantastic, but I don't want you to die for it. The pizza came through. All right. And my mom, my mom's not home. So I think I'm going to be okay. Nick, I love Mexican food. Hell yeah.

You didn't ask me how I feel about, and to quote. Well, I know your thoughts, but yes, I should have given you the opportunity. I like that. My mom's not home. I think I'm going to be okay. It's the number one reason you're going to be okay is because your mom's not home. That's why I'm mostly concerned. I like the idea that they've been doing this food show for years and Mitch is like, you

didn't ask me how I felt about Mexican food. Like it's never, it's never come up. There's also hour 25 of talking about Mexican food. Nick has never come right out and asked Mitch, how do you like it? He's been trying to figure out how to ask that since last night. To quote, to quote. Oh man. I'm going to go to.

I need to sleep. You got this. I believe you. I believe you. Get in the game, Mitch. We're going to regional. To Groot, I am Groot. Go ahead, Mitch.

Go for Mitch. Go for Mitch. Go for Mitch. Go for Mitch. Go for Mitch. To quote, to quote Mary Catherine Gallagher. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love Mexican food. It has. Excellent. It has. It has. It has raised. Sure.

It has raised the ranks. Italian was my number one food and now it is neck and neck. They're nearly tied. I love. It's tough. Mexican food. But is Taco Bell Mexican food? No.

Or is it something completely different? It's Taco Bell. No. No. It's Taco Bell. It's Taco Bell. It's something. Are you guys, have you guys been fans of Taco Bell before, but oh my God, I'm so tired.

I'm sorry. Believe in you, Mitch. You got this. Go ahead. Leave it on the field, Mitch. Leave it on the field. You got it, Mitch. But you vote.

And do it. Go ahead, Weigher. Go on, Weigher. Roll on Weigher. So... Yes, I've even talked about. I mentioned this before, that they have different, I mean, you separate them into different buckets.

You crave Taco Bell. You crave Mexican food. Proper Mexican food. Like from a taco or a taco truck. I mean, it's its own thing. I can have a wonderful lingua taco on a fresh-made corn tortilla with some salsa verde and have the time of my life versus havin' Leica... This guy knows the lingua, if you know what I mean.

Yeah. He's talking. Yeah. Say words. Say my name. But a Crunchwrap Supreme evokes something very different, and sometimes that's what I'm craving. And for me, I'm more of a Del Taco partisan, but I also really respect what Taco Bell does

in the... Yeah, I listen to the podcast. I know. What I wanted to say was, for me... Go ahead, John. Thank you. Taco Bell, Bean and Cheese Burrito, Commonwealth Avenue, 1991, one of the greatest meals I ever had in my life.

I think it cost 69 cents at that time. That's right. 69 cents. Guys, guys, guys. It was less than a dollar. Have you all been awake for 48 hours? John has been crapping for this. He's method.

He's method, Paul. John is method. Paul, I enjoy fine food. This is not fine food, obviously, but it was a hot summer afternoon, 1991. I was back from college, hanging out with Charles Diggs, and we went and we got some Bean and Cheese Burritos and walked down Commonwealth Avenue and felt like the kings of Commonwealth Avenue. That's fantastic.

I just really enjoyed it. It's a Proustian thing for me. Understood. It's more of the experience than, actually, this is one of the greatest meals you ever had. No, it was one of the great... Well, you know what a good texture. As I say, it was a Proustian thing because back then, Taco Bell made their burritos with

Madeleine cookies. That's a literary joke. I like it. You can mix it. Do you know what Proust is? I did. Oh, yeah. Okay, all right.

Yeah, Proust. Proust guy. Hello, Proust guy. I don't know if you listen. We discussed Proust on the pod occasionally. I was going to say quickly that... I was going to say that... I think the next bunch, Madness, is going to be a battle of which books of things...

Remember, whatever the fuck it's called, Remembrance of Things Pasts? Remembrance of Things Pasts. Remembrance of Things Pasts. I'm a Swansway guy myself, but there are other volumes, so we'll go head to head. I would like to pass off me not being able to get a clear sentence out as the 24 hours being awake or whatever, but I can't... You know the podcast. We can't speak normally, so we're just non-functioning.

Nick and I are going to be useless to you in this episode, so we just want to apologize. I actually think you guys are doing remarkably well. It has been a delight. I have to say. Wow. Oh, man. I appreciate that. Yeah, it's been really fun.

Thank you. And it's obviously an amazing cause. Yes. And you know what? It's really lifting my spirits because I had a... This has been a bad week, actually. Oh, no. Well, I have...

You know, I have this RV, and I needed to move it, and... Go ahead, Paul. You know, I have a... There's a guy, I have a neighbor, sort of, guy in the neighborhood, and I was like, Will you help me move this? I got to move it, and... You need help moving your RV? I need help moving my RV, so I'm going to drive, and I'm going to lead him to where

the RV has to go. This guy is, like, such a little coward driving the RV, like, I'm going through red lights and stop signs and stuff like that. He's not... He's stopping at everything. He's like, I don't want to smash into you. I'm like, that's... You're supposed to.

Right. Kind of a whiny Harvard type, right? I don't have any... Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Exactly. I don't have any... I have barely...

I'm running a fumes in this car. I need you to push me so I can show you where to... Anyway, long story short, I got there, but it was not easy, and, you know, so I'm happy to be here. Dear God. I can see how that was a struggle for you, Paul. It was a struggle, Arden. Go ahead, Arden.

I can see how that was a struggle. Thank you, Paul. I can see how that was a struggle. I appreciate your authenticity, Paul, and I can see that that must have been a really challenging week for you. Thank you. And we're going live to Arden in three... Two...

Roll on, Arden. I broke it. It was hard for me. I broke into this child's room. They don't want me to be in here. They keep trying to kick me out. I don't have any children myself, but I was like, I'm going to live stream. This is important, and I need a fun backdrop, and I've got to do this.

Arden, you just fucked up, and you admitted in so many words that you are a haunted doll, which I've always said. I know. If you... And now it's out. If there has not been literally every night before I fall asleep, I get a text from PFT saying, just never forget, hashtag never forget, you are a haunted doll, and I have not slept well in years ever since I met Paul, the worst day of my life.

He's... He makes me... He says I'm a haunted doll. Here's the thing. It's not a judgment. I'm just saying admit what is the truth, admit who you are. It's not a... Be haunted doll.

I don't care. But just be honest. No, I know. You're right. You're right. If you're going to be honest with this and say you're a haunted doll, I'm out of here. I honestly won't be able to deal with that. I have...

That's what... Mitch, what are you talking about? What does the matter with you? What are you so scared of? Paul, I don't know if you know this, but when I was a boy, I had a very vivid dream, and I think that it maybe was sleep paralysis, knick-noses, that a Mickey Mouse doll grabbed my arm when I was upstairs in my bed, and it truly... I did terrify me for a long time.

I put the doll on the attic. That was no dream. That's right. Paul, you're... Are you okay, Paul? Paul, what the fuck's going on? Listen, those dolls... He's a haunted doll.

There was... Those dolls were recalled. Paul, I'm sorry. What's happening? He's a... He's a Jupiter of the haunted doll. He sent that mouse to you. Oh my God.

Wow. I have to bet, oh, what did Pinocchio to be haunted? One of you is like, I wish I had a son, and I also wish he was haunted. Sure. I wish I had a possessed son, and then all he could do is make a haunted doll. How long have you been waiting for Mitch to see your eyes like that? Oh, for a while. Yeah.

For a while. Wow. A lot of people are going crazy in the chat. They're scared. The scat is a very scared place right now. I'm going to say I'm going to get this out. Oh, the scat should be chaired. If you're in the scat, be chaired.

Be very chaired. Be very chaired. I have to say this, we're at $146,000. Right. Yeah. You guys, you guys are killing... We're bumping up. We're going crazy.

We're done, man. Okay, good. You know what? I would love for it to get higher, but I don't think the Doe Boys fans have it in them. I just think that... Oh, boy. I just think they can't do it. I think they can't do it.

You're picking a fight. You're picking a fight, Paul. I'm just... Again, I just... Paul, do I need to... I'm going to key your RV under the water slide, Paul. Please don't key my RV under the water slide. Please, haunted doll.

Please, haunted doll. Don't key my RV under the water slide. Oh, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it, Paul. Are you inhabited by the ghost of a dead child or an overall evil spirit, would you say? Good question. That's a great question. You know what?

I would say it was an evil spirit. It possessed me in college. I thought that I... You were a regular doll in college. You were something like that. I thought you were a regular doll, and then I was playing Weegee, and I was always the regular doll that would just push around the letters, and then it started really flying around, and I realized that I was a haunted doll.

If you were a regular doll playing Weegee, I have a feeling you were already haunted. Pretty much. That's a good point. Was there a Barbie plays the Weegee set? Was that one of the Barbies? Doodah, doodah. There's Barbie plays the Weegee set. Yes, yes.

Oh, the doodah day. Skipper goes to the craft. Yes, yes, absolutely. Skipper goes to the craft. Thank you for singing parody versions of public domain songs, so we don't get hit with a DMCA takedown here on the Twitch platform. We got you back, man. Really appreciate it.

You guys are pros. Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, Paul is the guy, as the guest here who believes in the Doughboys fans and listeners, I can tell you they just hit 147. Holy shit. Looks like your bad attitude has been blown wrong once again, doubting Paul. I think that's great.

They'll never make it to 150. That's all I'm saying. I think it's impossible. I think it's impossible. I think it's impossible. Because they're bad people? Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

No, I think they're, I personally think Doughboys fans are wonderful people, but I just don't see it happening. They're not up to the test. They can't work together and dig deep. Yeah, I don't think they can. Also, here's the thing. I don't think they care that much about the restaurant worker. Wow.

I like the call-out. Okay. I mean, if they did, if they do, I guess I'll be proven wrong and I'm happy to be proven wrong, but I don't think I will be. Finally speaking, the rumor out loud. I'm worried about Nick. I saw him open his eyes wide and start nodding his head and blinking. And I just wanted to say, we're here for you, Nick.

Are you doing all right? You need to water? I think that's because you were great. I think you were trying to inhabit his body, Arton. I think that's great. You know what? When I say I'm worried about Nick, it's because he's putting up a protective wall. I've been trying to jump into his soul, and it has not worked so far over the years.

Speaking of haunted dolls, Nick's eyes are an incredible thing. When we've done the live shows before we're all looking at the audience, I don't get a chance to really stare into the twin black holes of Nick's eyes, particularly when Nick is pretending to express emotion. There was a moment right before we came on when that incredible bar pizza came out and Nick said with such a smile on his voice, I can't wait to eat pizza with you again sometime, Mitch. And Nick, your eyes were just dead ahead.

Shark eyes. It was very unnerving, I have to say. Someone say shark eyes, shark-like eyes that don't really, you can't really get anything out of them. I will just say, I felt inside, there was reciprocation inside of me. I just don't know. I just can't make the outside of my body reflect the interior. Can someone reboot Wiger?

There's got to be a reboot. Yeah, I think it's self-awareness circuitry, so. I mean, are we talking factory settings? Is that what we're talking about? I think we got to. Is he backed up? Woo! That is extreme.

That is extreme. I hope he's backed up. Back him up first. I hope he's. Back him up first. You better back it up. Back it up first. Show me what you're working with.

Back it up. Back it up. Back it up. What are you working with? Back it up. Yeah. I got to say, it's just a thrill, truly. I mean this sincerely to watch, to just watch funny people, to watch funny people on the

show. Like, we're not functioning at all. We're not in. Way to shit on all your previous guests, by the way. Good job. Nice. I'll take it. You know what?

I'll eat it. A refreshing change of pace. Finally. Finally. It's a good minute to have a seat. After 23 hours of torture. People are going, yeah, I'll meet you at four in the morning and just, yeah, yeah, I'll take it.

I needed that. I needed to win. Oh, man. You know, Mitch, you're about to take a little trip abroad. You're going to Costa Rica. That's right. Why? I'm going to Costa Rica with the family.

It's going to be a lot of fun. Going to maybe see a monkey. Oh, that's fun. Going to maybe see a bird. Just that. Just a one monkey, one bird. That's it. Hey, that sounds like a heck of a vacay.

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Jesus. He's back. Removed, then re-added potato items during quarantine, and as of our last episode, as of our last episode is in the Golden Plate Club once more after being weird. And we'll see if it remains after this evaluation. Did you, I'm sorry, did you say they re-added potato items during the quarantine? It was a strange thing. They did.

I followed that news story. Yeah. Yeah, it was very controversial. They took out all the potato, a lot of the vegetarian stuff, right, Nick? Including the potato-based tacos, and I was surprised to see they were back on the menu. I did not know they had come back. They're back. It's a weird thing that feels, I mean, you could, there's a negative, there's a cynical

reading of it, which is that you took it away because you know people would demand it back, and then that would create buzz for you. I don't know if that's exactly what happened. I think it's more that Young Brands is a rudderless ship, but it is, but that was a, it was a mistake to contract them in you so much. I hear it's a ghost ship. I hear it's like the Flying Dutchman. Oh, wow.

You only see it, you only see it once a year, floating above the seas. Young Industries. As a haunted doll, I can confirm that. That's how I get around. We've talked about this quite a lot, which sucks, but we've talked about how Young Brands, we've talked about how Young Brands, there's no reason for Taco Bell to take away any of this stuff. People like Taco Bell because of, because you can get all these different options, Nick.

It's the Willy Wonka of foods. They make toys for adults. Every weird new burrito and taco is, it's fun to go and get them and then they cut their menu in half and the rest of their restaurants suck. Mitch, can I ask you who do you think Willy Wonka is like your best guess? I too. I don't mean to throw authors around, but rolled doll nice. He wrote that, right?

That's your answer. Your answer is, rolled doll. Willy Wonka is rolled doll, wrote that. You know what? Sorry, we can't accept that, please, please answer in the form of an answer. You got this, Mitch. I believe in you. Come on.

We're going to nationals. You passed regionals. You got this. Willy Wonka is a man. He owns a chocolate factory and he opens his, he's tired. He wants to retire. He opens the door to the children and then he narrows it down. Once he kills, he does kill them and then he narrows it down to one, he kills them.

He kills them. Well, there's a period of psychological torture before the murder and the disintegration, but yes. It's a tale as old as time. Yeah. And then he narrows it down to the perfect child and the perfect child. And then he screams at that child and makes him cry. One final test.

One final test. I'm going to abuse you. Now that Mitch, that is, that is all correct. You have a chocolate factory? Yeah. Now you have a job. Congratulations. You have to oversee your business.

Mitch, what I'd like to ask you is who then is the person who makes toys for adults? You've got this, Mitch. I believe in you. Don't let him. Don't let that man in that tuxedo trick you with his shadow play. Robin Williams and toys. Robin Williams and toys. Say that.

Say erotic toys. Say erotic toys. I'm going to say the Apple corporation, Steve Jobs himself, is the man who makes toys for adults. Okay. Okay. So you would agree that Taco Bell is neither of those things. Go ahead, Mitch.

Hello, Mitch. Go for Mitch. Mitch, to you. Going for Mitch. Roll on, Mitch. Going for Mitch. Good analogy. I think that if I was in that tour, the Willy Wonka tour, I think I would go out before

Augustus. I would go get out somewhere in the hallway or the waiting lobby. What was Augustus? He just jumped into the chocolate river. Yeah, chocolate. And I mean, which by the way, Willy Wonka would have taken you aside, Mitch, and say, listen, I know you're going to jump in that chocolate river. Don't do it, please.

Don't do it. Or saving this for Augustus Gloop and you won't get all, you won't get halfway up the tube. Yeah. Sorry. That's just because you're a very large man and I love you. No, I, I, I love, I, you were right. But I also, I want to say this.

I want to say this. I want to say that Augustus Gloop, he, he gets introduced to a land that's candy. Yeah. You get all this candy and then he reaches in the river to drink the chocolate river. Right. And then he falls in and there's a suction tube. It just feels like his wasn't, his wasn't fair. It's not fair.

It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like if your kitchen floor took you today trying to get your pizza and there was just like a tube that opened and it took you. It's not fair. Yeah. It's bullshit. And then it's the fat guy. I want to go. It's not fair.

I agree. It's not fair. I want to go a little further and say none of them were fair because these are children. Right. Right. Right. What? What?

One girl liked gum. What the fuck? Too much. Too much. Yeah. Rude habit, Paul. Rude habit. She deserves it.

She deserves it. Like blown up and killed. You sell gum, Willy Wonka. Why? What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm realizing I tapped out of the movie at that moment as a kid and then I never saw the rest of it. When she got turned into a big old blueberry, I was like, this is fucking, this is horrifying.

I can't watch this. Yeah, it is horrifying. I was so scared. The glass is stuck in the tube. Yeah. Stuck with me for a long time and I couldn't get, when I saw that the first time I started running and I wasn't found for three days, it was terrifying. Yeah.

Yeah. Where did you hide? What's that? Good question. Where did you hide? That's how you do it. That's how you do it. Classic.

Let me ask you this. In a vacuum, put aside. That's where I died. I'm a ghost now. Go on. Oh boy. Oh my God. Yeah.

We're $2,000 away from $150,000. Incredible. We're $1,000 away. It's $149,000. Too bad I'll never make it. I applaud you and I always do. Don't buy this. It's the best.

I'm not like Paul. It's too bad. I can't believe it. Don't buy this. It's the best. I don't think they're going to make it to $150,000. This is really sad because it's not going to get to $150,000. It'll be stuck at $149,000 and that'll be so unsatisfying.

Anyway, you tried, I guess. I believe you can do it and this is in no way a psychological game that we're playing. A traditional good telethon, bad telethon. You guys are like, you guys in the end, you're all like Wonka. You're fucked up. You're playing psychological games. We're manipulators. We're all manipulators.

And by the way, we enslave a race of creatures for our labor. Oh my Lord. We enslave a race of sentient intelligent creatures who have no rights or agency and they just make chocolate. And then we give their control to a boy and then we retire. That is a really messed up book, isn't it? That is really messed up. It's actually pretty good about how wealth works in capitalism.

Anyway, moving on. Red Rose Twitter. Never mind. Let's move on. Go. We just got a big ass, we got a couple of big ass donations. What's here, what's here? Zoo's beard.

Zoo's beard, Zoe's beard, popcorn in Mitch's cheesy floor, gave $1, 555. That's amazing. Tip your server's at least, tip your server's at least 30%. I'm guessing that's zoox himself. And then the sixler gave $1,000 good work, dojo boys. Thanks for the laughs. And hi, Sean. Shaun's gone.

But our buddy, Spencer, what's up, Spencer. Thanks, bud. You see any fucking Sean's around here? It's John, John with a J, John. Oh, Jesus. I still thought it was Sean Hogman. Sean Hogman. Sean Hogman.

Sean Hogman. Oh, no, the angry doll is back. The guy who created, the guy who programmed me is back. DiPetto, Mad DiPetto is back. Don't look, Mitch. Don't look. Oh, fuck. That is, how do you do that?

You're a haunted doll, but you were programmed? I, I, you know, I don't have a lot. It's the 21st century, John. Yeah, Sean. That's the shunny reboot. Yeah, Sean. Yeah, Sean. It's the 21st century, Sean.

Sean is the 21st century, Sean. This is actually wounding to me, but that's fine. It's all for a good cause. I liked looking at, I know everyone was unnerved, but I kind of like PFT's All Black Eyes. Me too. Thank you. Look at those. I did, too.

You feel like you're looking at one of your own. That's why when his eyes turn black like that. I feel really calm when I look at PFT. I just felt good for the first time in months. There's something soothing about it. Years ago, there was a, there was like a, a older teenager, like young 20s kid who had a supernatural, super paranormal podcast. I don't know.

He was like, you know, I don't want to know what his age was, but he, he sounded young. You know what I mean? I think it's a good, I think it's a good description for someone in their early 20s. Older teenager. I, I go sign that. Okay. Very good. And he.

Mitch is, Mitch is flailing his arms wildly. Can't wait for his head to go to B. Mitch, Mitch, Mitch. We hit $150,000. God damn it. God damn it. Paul, calm down. God damn it.

No. This is a good name. No. God damn it. No. No. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. What the fuck? Wow. Get thee behind me, Satan. I knew you could do it, listeners. Holy shit. I knew you could do it. Paul didn't believe in you and Arden was neutral.

No, I'm a big fan. I'm a big fan of Joe boys. I thought I was a big fan. An incredible milestone, but I am just dazzled by PFT's plug-in package. What kind of software are you? He does. I'm a big fan of Joe boys. I'm a big fan.

I'm a big fan of Joe boys. I'm a big fan of Joe boys. I'm a big fan of Joe boys. I'm a big fan of Joe boys. I'm a big fan of Joe boys. I'm a big fan of Joe boys. I'm a big fan of Joe boys. I'm a big fan of Joe boys.

I'm a big fan of Joe boys. I'm a big fan of Joe boys. I'm a big fan of Joe boys. I'm a big fan of Joe boys. I thought I was a big fan. Big fan. An incredible milestone, but I am just dazzled by PFT's plug-in package. What kind of software are you using?

I don't think it's a plug-in. It's a little something called Snap Cam. Wow. It's a lot of fun. Look. Ooh. I want to go in. I want to go in.

Look, ghost. That's great. That was exciting. It's exciting. I genuinely got scared. It's scary. I tried to do it for too long. I didn't do it for too long.

I was getting used to it. John was freaking out, honestly. He was sincerely not okay with that. I was freaking out. Here's what I'll say. The thing is, luckily, I had all this Taco Bell this afternoon. Yes. I have no more diarrhea to give.

So I didn't actually move my pants. That's the name of my album. No more diarrhea to give. By Haunted Doll. Haunted Doll. Haunted Doll. Haunted Doll. Haunted Doll.

Haunted Doll. Tales of Haunted Doll. Let's get some Doe Boys artists on designing that album cover. Mm-hmm. And you all can sell it as an NFT. Yes. Hey, I read the internet. Yes.

Ooh. What's our next goal? Why is it 155? One. Should we try to make 155 before the end of this stream? I think at this point, we just try to get as high as we can. All right, all right. Just crank it up.

I don't think they can go any higher. I was pretending to have faith in them before I did. We're already $150,690, so the total continues to climb. I think that's wild stuff. Well past our initial goal. Well past our reach goal. I bet you could get at least 175. Wow.

Is that crazy? That could happen. Shit. Now that we hit the 150 goal, can I let the mask drop? Yes, please. You were with Paul, weren't you? Yeah. These older teenagers that listen to your show, dead beats.

They're not going to do it for you. Okay. Am I the only one that believes? You guys, am I the only one that believes? Wow. These older teenagers. I'm pretty amazed, our mind games that Paul and I were playing worked on these dum-dums, but I don't think it's possible at this point.

Oh my gosh, Sean, you too, Sean? What the hell? Sean and I planned this out months ago, House of Game Style, and it's working out. I daresay. Wow. The Spanish prisoner. I believe that these older teens, actually, they care about the community. They care about restaurant workers, and I believe they can make it to 175.

I believe they can do it. One donation at a time. Love to live in your world, haunted doll, but I live in the real world. The chat is going crazy. The chat wants us to get to $169,420. That's what they want. Okay. Oh, that's actually the perfect amount.

That's the perfect amount. That is exactly where it needs to go. Calm down, everybody. And then stop. I can't stay mad at you. That's what they want. That's what they want. They're going crazy with this number.

They want this number. They don't have to be random. Not everything has to be random. It's a perfect number. Sincerely, I think that is exactly what they are capable of. I do so. It's a perfect number. It's in their grasp.

I believe in that. I believe in that. Yeah. Wow. Let us know in the chat when we hit that number exactly. Wigs, should we get into the restaurant? Absolutely. 100%.

That's what we're here to do. So I'll say this. Well, Hodgman, why don't we start with you? Did you mention that Taco Bell potentially ravaging your digestive tract? Did you not have a great reaction to it? Oh, that was a joke. Well, I didn't have any tummy troubles, but there was a

moment after I ate the Taco Bell where I wasn't thinking of the Taco Bell and I just thought to myself, oh, wait a minute. Do I have COVID? Because my heart was racing. Oh, wow. My heart raised too. My heart raised too. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears.

I all of a sudden felt very, very hot and short of breath for a short period of time. And throughout this entire experience, I've been very, very lucky to have my health pretty much. I mean, look at me. I'm falling apart, but in general. But you know those phantom moments over the past year where you're like, is this it?

Do I have it? Do I have it? Taco Bell gave me that fun feeling back, even though I'm vaccinated, giving that fun feeling back for a moment. So that was unpleasant. John, I'm going to tell you that you saying your heart was racing has made me try to feel for my pulse. And I have to say, I cannot feel anything.

I don't feel any pulse anywhere. Well, you got a lot of meat in there. What about your neck? What about your neck? Do I, like if I pledge allegiance? Oh, there we go. I felt my heart. There we go.

All right. So it's beating. It's slowly beating. Look, it wasn't a good idea to eat Taco Bell twice and to make anyone eat this at all. I mean, it's just not good for you, especially being up 24 hours. But what, what do you think caused it? Hodgman, was it, do you think it was the, do you think it was a

panic attack from being out? Or do you think it was the food? No, no, no, it's just, it was me eating too effing much because I haven't had Taco Bell in forever. And it's not a part of my life. And they have, as you pointed out, Mitch, all these wacky combos, these Tresa Lupadipas and the Duparana Chalutas and so forth. And it was really hard for me to pick out what I wanted.

So I ordered all of it to see, to see, to see how different these things were and they weren't there. And they're just like layers of different tortillas and cheese. And then 100%. Yeah. It's the same, the same goop in different configurations. Right. But we love the, we love the, we love the goop though.

We love it. You love that. We love the paste. I don't want to come off as a snob. I don't want to come off as a snob. Some of it, there's one thing in particular I really liked and something I thought was another thing that I thought was actually a really good sandwich.

And then the rest was just kind of, you know, ballast. I want to get, I want to get to your thoughts on that and drill it down. I do, you did make me think of an anecdote I'll share real quick. When I worked in video game development, I had a co-worker who for a time was subsisting on it. You were in an AI or some kind of. I was, I was not, I'm not an automaton. I was not.

You were a compiling program. I was not being developed into, no, I was not the software running. Was this before you had a body or? Okay. This was, okay. I'm a human man. Made a flesh and bone. You were, you were, you were responsible for putting all of the,

the gaba ghoul sound clips in, into the Sopranos video game. Is that correct? Sopranos Road to Respect. My most ignoble design credit. When you were on the game grid, did I, I read this somewhere on your Wikipedia. When you were on the game grid, you like picked up the broken light cycles and you like repaired them. That was your job.

I live in the Tron universe. You lubed the, you lubed the light cycles is what I read. So I had a co-worker who had a, who decided to just like go all out with his gamer bachelor diet of only Taco Bell. And he was just eating Taco Bell basically exclusively for lunch and dinner. The only meals he was having for, I don't know. He was doing this diet for a couple of months and he started to get pretty sick and he saw the doctor and the doctor like took some tests, did some

blood work, came back laughing. Put the lime in the coconut. Put the lime in the coconut and said, I've never seen this before. You have scurvy. He was diagnosed with scurvy in like 2007. Wow. He was a toothless sailor on the back. That's like a haunted sailor doll.

He was a toothless sailor on the bad ship Yum Industries. Wow. Jesus. Scurvy. I had a pirate's hat and I gave it to Ramondi for that John Adams bit. Oh man. It would have been, it would have been perfect right now. You could have punctuated that right now.

Oh wow. I know. Let's just imagine what would have happened if after Nixon's scurvy, then Mitch ran to get the pirate's hat. And we were all like, where'd Mitch go? Where'd Mitch go? And then he comes back like, I don't know, two, three minutes later with the pirate's hat on.

And then we all say, oh, because of the scurvy reference. It's actually just how that was going to work. And also I gotta say, it doesn't fit on my noggin that well. I think it is kind of a child's hat. It actually is an adult hat. I bought an adult hat. It just doesn't fit on my hat. You got a sizable noggin.

I think, I think, I think people would have, I think people would have been bending over laughing if I, if I, if it. Absolutely. In my head, if it went the way it would. It would have killed me. I would have loved it. Especially if you had tripped on a brick of cheese you dropped earlier. That would have been probably the perfect dough boys skit.

Mitch goes running to grab a pirate hat. No one knows what's happening for a while. Nick is staring at the screen asking Emma if we've lost Mitch. 35 minutes later, Mitch comes in with a pirate hat and a bloody nose saying I tripped on a block of cheese in my mom's house. I'd probably fall into the oven. It would be very Wonka-ish in many ways. There would be a lesson to be had.

Please don't fall into anything or hurt yourself. God, that looks good though. That looks so good. Perfect. It looks good. It looks so, I want that. Mitch, I can't wait to share a slice with you. It looks so good.

Thank you. Go for Weigar. Go for Weigar on that one. Hodgman, let's talk about what your Taco Bell was. I want to hear about your order. All right. I really did over order everything. I got one.

I just figured I would get one regular crunchy taco because no one ever gets that from Taco Bell. I got that with chicken because I didn't want chicken at all and I just figured I'd blow it on the crunchy tacos. The chicken was disgusting. I got one. I knew it was going to be disgusting and it was. I got one Crunchwrapped Supreme.

Wow. I got one Cheesy Gordita Crunch with seasoned beef, which I don't like saying those words. I got the Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Tacos, but it was only one taco, so I don't know why they said tacos because I wanted to try that Dorito thing because I've been hearing about this stuff for a long time and I never eat it. And then the older teenager, a younger 20-something person who lives in my house got a couple of goopas, one with steak and one with seasoned beef and classic cheese burrito. Oh, and then I got a soft taco with potatoes.

I didn't eat all of it. You know what I mean? I just was. Right. It was a sampler plate. That was a lot. It cost $7 for all of that. The total was with the add-ons and everything else before tax, it was $26, which is quite

a lot of calories for $26. And then also, I got a lot of sauce packets because I was very curious to try these different sauce packets and I have strong feelings about them. Wow. Arden, walk us through your order. First of all, so honored to be here, obviously always so excited. You know I'm ready for flavor. You know I'm a hungry gal that's game.

Can someone cue Arden? Arden. Oh my God. Was it my cue? Okay, great. I'm a hunger girl who loves flavors. So this was a blast from the past. College Arden, college haunted doll, post-weegee board, post-weegee new brand new haunted doll

Arden, like loved Taco Bell, okay? So like this was my jam. And then I have to say like adult haunted doll Arden has actually had like better tacos because I'm in Southern California and the food is better. So I'm putting it in a different category and I'm like going back with nostalgia. I made a few critical errors and I was so mad at myself because you know I did this so seriously. I went to Burger King.

I went to Burger King. Luckily I have the Taco Bell menu with the ingredients on it there and I gave it to them and they did the best they could. Here are the errors I made and I'm going to ask John. Did you pick up or did you get it delivered? I got it delivered. And postmates, I'm more mad at postmates than Taco Bell. Like they added like five stops before me so it wasn't hot and then I made the error

of like trying to microwave it which made it a little soggy. So that's on me. If you're going to do 25 hour Taco Bell marathon on your own, go to Taco Bell. Wait, did you do it twice too Arden? You didn't have to. Was I supposed to eat Taco Bell twice? I'm not going to let my friends, my friends, my new Pando friends, I met them in the Pando and they're going to eat the Taco Bell along with them.

Hell yeah. No one person left behind. All right. Yeah. So my other error was this. It is a weird curse that I think the only good way to eat Taco Bell is to go to a Taco Bell. You got to go to a Taco Bell.

So that was my first error. And the second error is also on postmates, I don't blame the Taco Bell. I hate sour cream and I requested no sour cream and all of them like they just like squirted that gun, like Neil Armstrong was not in his pants, there's so much taco, there's so much sour cream. So that's, I believe on postmates. I'm going to elect. No.

Postmates isn't squirting the sour cream. If they were doing that in the back of the car on the way to you, that's one of the rare situations where I would give four instead of five stars. I also was my third critical error. I didn't realize until it arrived, I forgot that they had the Dorito tacos. I wanted one. I might have to go get one tonight. There's nothing I want more than something wrapped in a Dorito.

I love Doritos. Like that's, yes, I want that for my mouth. So I didn't get one. I'm so angry at myself. So angry at myself. Can I offer you some solace? I don't mean to interrupt. Yes.

Yeah, please, please. Dorito taco is NG, no good. What do you mean? How? How could that be? Not possible. Not possible. The Doritos shell is not Dorito-y enough.

And I love Doritos too. Okay. Clarencer rigs. Clarencer rigs. It was not a cheese-flavored Dorito. Which I love, classic. It didn't have as much Dorito dust as a natural Dorito does. Okay, that's a problem.

Nor did it have the crispness or the crags. It was a very substandard Dorito-flavored shell. So maybe Yum Industries, if you're listening, maybe you should offer a packet of powder to up, like if you want an extra, you know, I would buy that in general like a spice rack. You would get Dorito dust. Wow. Just Dorito dust? Oh my God, yes.

Dorito is missing. They're missing out. Right? Oh, that's a great idea. They marketed Dorito dust? It is a great idea. Yeah, for sure. Honestly, if I ever give birth, I'm going to name my first born Dorito dust and my second

two brazzle and dazzle if they're twins. Okay, I got it. But you're a lifeless doll. So, sorry. Okay, here we go. Thankfully, I'm wooden from the neck down. A lifeless doll that dreams of life. All right, go on.

So I got, I also got the cheesy gordita crunch, which is a warm flatbread layered with three cheese blend and warm nacho cheese sauce wrapped around a crunchy taco filled with seasoned beef, speed, spicy ranch, crispy lettuce. I couldn't get through the menu because like how many times are you going to use warm in this sentence? Like I felt like every description that I read, I felt like I was falling down. I take it for granted the food will be warm. You shouldn't.

I also felt dizzy. Our ice cream has served cold. I keep interrupting you, Arden. I apologize. I'll stop. You got excited. It's an exciting topic. I also got dizzy.

I ate it. Also got dizzy. And I also had a phantom COVID fear after I ate it. And I'm also double vaccinated and my heart was racing. My heart was racing. I'm not a big gal, but I'm like, I'm all in and my heart was pounding. Worth it. But pounding.

Number two, I got the quesalupa. I love a combo. Like I wanted their trash combos. Like I wanted like, I saw Nick just went and I respect his reaction to what I ordered. But I, it was, this was my favorite. I put a check mark next to it. I think, I think that was just an automatic system upgrade. I don't think it was reached.

Yeah. No, sorry. That was not necessarily connected to what you're saying. I apologize. Okay. I got the quesalupa. A chewy flaky quesalupa shell, which as if I'm supposed to know what that is, but I was all in.

I loved it. Right. Filled with pepper, jack and mozzarella, cheeses, tapas, seasoned beef, lettuce, real shredded cheese. You don't have to say real. Yeah. That feels suspicious. Tomatoes and reduced fat sour cream, it would have been better without the sour cream.

This was my favorite of the three things I ordered. The quesalupa, I liked a lot. I liked that it was kind of like a pita bread over like, like it's like, I don't know what, what food product I'm eating, but I'm here for you, quesalupa. Like I would hit it and quit it late at night, college haunted doll art and all in on the quesalupa. Rounding the band couldn't resist the designer in me. I love like geometry.

I love a shape. I love like a fun, like I don't, like my food isn't shaped like a stop sign normally, but I saw the crunch wrap supreme folded like a stop sign of flour tortilla layered with seasoned beef, warm nacho cheese sauce, crispy toast, dada shell, got crispy lettuce, ripe tomatoes topped with cool sour cream, gross, all wrapped in our signature crunch wrap fold and grilled to go. I loved that I bit in. I had an extra dollar for astronaut semen.

I bit in and once I got past Neil Armstrong's nut, I was excited to, I was excited to hit like, I didn't, I thought I was going to like a quesadilla party and then inside I had like a nacho party and I didn't see it. I liked the shape of it. I could walk around elegantly like at the governor's ball. Like if I was nominated, I could eat a crunch wrap supreme. But my number one favorite was the quesalupa because it felt like a pita and a taco and it felt the most Dorito-y to me.

And so I really loved my visit. My anger was more at postmates and the temperature and the sagginess, but that was on me. I made a critical error. I don't blame Taco Bell, my old friend. I loved it. I loved it. And there's sauces. I was like, I almost put chalula on and then I was like, no girl, don't be bougie.

You got to use their packets. And I'm so glad I did. I forgot those flavors of hot sauce. I thought they were so fun. I was all in like ripping them with my teeth. That also made me feel like I had COVID. That was my bad. And I loved my Taco Bell.

I highly recommend their weird combos. I thought it was a delight. Okay. So Hodgman, you brought up, I'm pointing the wrong way. Hodgman, you brought up sauces earlier. And on the topic of sauces, I'd like to, now I'm second guessing myself. No, it's the right way. It doesn't matter where you're pointing.

A little different on my screen. Okay. Oops. All right. Okay, we're all pointing at Hodgman. Can we turn them off and turn them on again? Fuck. I don't know is what.

I want to hear your opinion on sauces. What were you thinking? Which ones did you go with and which ones did you prefer? I know it's a live show, but it's a podcast. No one can see them anyway. Is he okay? All right. Sorry.

He's got both buttons at once. Okay. Sources. John, to you first. Going for John. Go for John first. Go for John. Yeah.

I got, well, the sauces, the array of sauces, of course, are mild, hot, fire, and Diablo. I didn't get Diablo. Well, Diablo is hotter than fire, I guess. Please don't, please stop saying his name. You know, I just am worried about what happened. Did somebody call my name? You're supposed to wait until we say it three times, Diablo. Come on.

That's the candy man asshole. You're thinking of Willy Wonka. Willy, Willy, Willy. Paul, I also, I have some camera tricks up my sleeve too. Right. I turn myself back too. Black and white. You're back in Mayberry.

How about that? Back in 1961, Quincy. I can, I can hear the racism outside your door. Oh my God. Seeing the devil into the color fell out of me. That was, that was the bitch. John, go ahead. Pretend I never, pretend I never interjected here.

The sauce, the sauce is, here's what I have to say. The, the, the mild sauce and the hot sauce are nothing. There's no, there's no spice whatsoever. But delicious, but delicious. They were fine. They were fine. Yeah. They added something.

Look, you should be adding sauce to everything that you're getting from Taco Bell. The big surprise for me was how completely under-seasoned everything was. I mean, and it's fast food. At least I expect it to be dangerously salty, but no. So add sauce by all beans. But I would say that the, to my surprise, the, the fire sauce, which is the second hottest, was actually a very tasty hot sauce. And add really.

Wow. The flavor is pumping his arms in the air. I'm not sure if he's trying to get blood into his body, or if he's excited that you like the fire sauce. What is that, Nick? That was a, that was a elation. Because I, I agree that the, that, and I'm something of a heat seeker. I like things spicy.

Would you say you're fond of spicy foods? Oh, shit. What? Sorry. Look, your tagline. Why should I be stepping on your tagline? No, it's great. The, the fire sauce has a much better flavor than Diablo.

Diablo is, it's, it's hotter, but it's just like, it tastes, I don't know, it tastes, it's, it's, it's, you're just getting heat. You're not getting any sort of additional flavor from it. Diablo is okay. But what I got, what I got from it was like, they added black pepper. Like it wasn't a lot hotter, but it had an extra kick of like black pepper, which I don't, I didn't mind, but this was the thing that took me by surprise. Someone has not been to Taco Bell for a long, long time.

They now have little sayings on the packets of hot sauce. Yes. Like little, like little things, like those Valentine's Day hearts. They have these little sayings. So I had to catalog all the ones that I got. So here they are in mild. I got, can't wait, that moment when, dot, dot, dot, besties, and you're cute. With hot, I got first of all, dot, dot, dot, current mood blank space.

Another first of all, and you are in danger. That was weird. And fire, I got not sitting this one out, taking requests, marry me. And then it said, one of these packets is poison. And then Diablo, it said, let's show them. Now you try, act first or die. Collect their souls and join me in the feast halls of Shohoth. Well, I don't know what that one means.

That one might be for my, that was for me. The haunted all that. I put that one in my, I'm so sorry. Maybe the Postmates mixed it up. Yeah, I'm so sorry. Because I've asked for sour cream on everything. Yeah, that was for me. That was for me.

But I thought, I thought all of, like, I just had to, most of those were real, of course. And I just had to imagine who's, I, if someone must know the person whose job it was to come up with all this little sayings for the hot sauce packets. And I would just like to talk to that person and buy them alcohol. Hodgman, you're talking to him. It was the dough boys.

Yeah. Where's the sauce packet guys? Get me in that room. You're the sauce. Logan ears of Taco Bell. Yeah. Seven dollars per pitch per packet. It's a great deal.

Yeah, they're very, I got a your cute thing. And I just like was in, you know, when I first got it and was prepping for dough boys and like looking at your cute. And I'm like, don't fucking, don't give me this bullshit. I don't want to fucking read this shit. Don't lie to me. Don't pander to me. Don't pander to me.

Did you just, did you just crush it in your hand? The hot sauce? You just exploded everywhere. Just all everywhere. Everywhere. I'm cute. You're just a packet of hot sauce. The sauce really did make it taste better though.

I have to, it was like, and I was so glad that I, I was like, no, it has to be their sauce. It has to be. I would say add the, it's an add on if you're ordered. I did it on seamless or something. And you can add on what they call red sauce, which I think is enchilada sauce. Add that to every, whatever you get.

Oh, I should have done that. Add that right on. I wanted more meat. I didn't think the beef, there wasn't much seasoned beef in any of them. I felt like I was chasing the seasoned beef dragon. But again, it was really, it's a fun dining experience. You know, it's just like, yeah, I'm eating Taco Bell. I'm on my way to scurvy.

Like I like myself. You know? Right. Did somebody say scurvy? You've been waiting. He's been texting me to say scurvy. Begging. I both loved that, but then I saw how everyone loved it,

how it would have been if I came in there with a hat and I was jealous. Mitch, run and get yours. Run and, run to a. Run and buy one and get one. Yeah, go to the costume shop. Go to Quincy Costumes. Go to Quincy. Ramondi has it.

He wore it as John Adams. We drove by the John Adams house and he was outside of the John Adams house, dressed as John Adams for a little bit when I did a tour of Quincy. And then he came in and woke me up when I was asleep in my bed. He was dressed as John. You need to get full context. He was dressed as John Adams holding a bell, ringing it like a town crier saying, hear ye, hear ye.

Yes. This is the script I gave him. Hear ye, hear ye. Hear ye, hear ye. I am John Adams. That's what he was saying outside the, the Adam's house in Quincy, Massachusetts. People just giving them the dirty, dirtiest looks as they walked by. And there was, we couldn't find a, a tricornered hat that would come in time.

So we bought him a pirate's hat. There you go. Greet the logo on your set. You resourceful fuck. PFT. Let's talk about your Taco Bell. PFT. What?

Yes. Sure. Um, I, first I tried to order in advance online. Yes. Went to the website, um, chose my location, made my order, and then they said, uh, yeah, you can't get any of that shit here. You can't do that here. Wow.

So it's like, oh, okay. Why, that should have come up. But they wouldn't, they wouldn't deliver to you or they didn't have the idea. Was it the Glendale one? No, no, no. I was gonna, I was gonna do it. It was the Glendale one. I was gonna do it.

So I could, I could order in advance and go pick it up. Yeah. Right. And they said, so they let me make the order and then said, no, you can't do that here. Glendale one was the one that overdid the sour cream for me. The Glendale one's not the one. Right, but this, but this is, this is my story now. Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay. I mean, I heard you guys talk about the sauce for a long, long time. Okay, go for Paul. Go for Paul. Go for Paul. Go for Paul. You go ahead, Paul. So I mean, like you guys were in summaries already and I was like, I, I ate this garbage food too.

Okay. I also feel bad. Okay. Are you okay? Okay. Go for Paul. So, so, uh, so I, I could not order because there were all these things that I'd never had before from Taco Bell because like, like everyone else had been a long time. Yeah, I kind of covered that already, Paul.

So you can skip over that part. John, he needs this. He literally needs this. He needs this. I'm sorry. I have Paul. I truly apologize. So it's been a terrible week.

He had to move his sour cream. I went there in person. The menu that they have at that place, it's like a smaller Taco Bell. So they have a much smaller menu. So like half of the things that I wanted to try that I saw online weren't there. So I did get one of the Dorito, uh, Taco Locos Supremes. I got, um, uh, uh, Crunchwrap Supreme, um, and for, I got the, um, the blue, the blue raspberry freeze, um, I meant to get cinnamon twists forgot.

Um, and then I also got, for old time's sake, I got a, uh, soft taco supreme. Um, which used to be, that used to be my favorite thing I talked about. Sure. Paul, can I have a quick question? Yeah. When you, when you say small, if I walked in there, were we talking to Augustus in the pipe situation, would I be stuck? How small, how small are we talking?

It was a tube. It wasn't. Wow. Was it like a, like a, like a. You had to crawl into a culvert under it. It was weird. Was it like an airport version of it? Like an airport Taco Bell?

You know the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. This was a combination Taco Bell and Chocolate River Tube. And. Did you try to reach in the river? I did. And I almost got sucked in, but I'm an adult. Yeah. Um.

You're, you're an adult team. You're an older team. I can't get sucked in a tube. Um, so I, I got the food home and, uh, I tried the, uh, the soft taco supreme first. I could not believe how much it tasted exactly like I remember it tasting like had not changed at all. It was kind of weird. Did it make you happy?

Did you feel happy? Yes and no. I mean, I was like, yeah, I remember this taste and I remember liking this taste, but also I couldn't get past the fact that it was so strange that the, that in all this time, it doesn't taste even slightly different. Was very weird to me. Okay. The Dorito thing I thought was okay.

Was it more Dorito-y than John has advertised it as? No, it was not. It was, it was, it was kind of disappointing. I mean, it was, it was okay. It was okay, but it was not like you have an idea in your head of what it's going to be like. And it was not like that. So I don't need to go to Glendale. I don't need to go to Glendale.

You can skip it. You can skip it. I think you can probably make your own Dorito, uh, nachos. Like. But I wanted to tape together a bunch of Doritos. But that's the fun is the shape. The fun is the shape. Like that's the fun of it.

It's like, no, it's not a nacho. It's a Dorito taco. Like I need that. Shapes are fun. Every toddler knows. Shapes are fun. So then, um, the Crunchwrap, I thought I was completely underwhelmed by that. It was very bland and it's not crunchy, by the way.

It's just like, it's just like a quesadilla kind of. Like there was nothing unique about it. But it is like the Taco Bell thing. And, and, you know, Wayne Federman had a perfect joke about Taco Bell, uh, the idea that they're just rearranging all these different elements and different combinations. And it's not really like the Crunchwrap was just like, oh, you kind of, you kind of toasted a quesadilla or something. And I don't know.

But it was, I think they throw, uh, like a tostada in there. I think like, yes. Throw a crisp, yes. The friendship in there. But it immediately just sogs up. Exactly. Yeah. The crispiness immediately goes away.

Is that the Crunchwrap Supreme? Yes. The, the blue freeze was fine. You know what I mean? It's no, honestly, it's no icy. Um, I will say the chief difference for me was I did not use any of the sauce. Oh boy, that's key. Okay.

Because I never used to, I never used to, and I did get sauce and then I just forgot it in the bag. I didn't take it out of the bag. So I think that's why my heart was not racing. Well, you're probably used to an LA. You're probably used to going to a place, getting a taco and having it be perfectly done. You don't need to doubt it in sauce.

Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. So I think that was why I didn't really feel like super terrible after I ate it. It didn't give me, uh, COVID scares because I didn't, I, I, I ate a small amount and I, I didn't use any of the sauce, but it was, you know, overall, I think that, uh, I didn't miss it, you know, like in terms of that taste, I didn't miss it because there's better, fast Mexican, fast versions of that, like Del Taco, you know, stuff like that.

Oh, wow. This is just, if I, if I want to do that, I'll, I'd rather go to Del Taco, you know. Wow. I too would rather go to Del Taco. I concur with you there, just in general. I prefer Del Taco to Taco Bell. And again, the part of that allegiances, I think comes from just growing up the West Coast where it's, it's, I feel like if you're from out here, you may be here in the hits

here, Nick, you love Del Taco, you grew up in the West Coast. God, I'm just saying, how do you feel about spicy foods? I'm something of a heat seeker. So I apologize. We, uh, I loved it. He likes vanilla. He likes vanilla. I do love vanilla vanilla as a flavor.

I love vanilla too. Vanilla is a flavor. I agree. It's a flavor. Absolutely. Thank you for being here on this subject. Briar's vanilla ice cream. You can't, you can't beat it.

It's so good. You can't beat it. It's so good. I also love vanilla. I also love vanilla. McDonald's vanilla con. Sure. I'm going to, I'm going to get some vanilla ice cream.

Delicious. Yeah. It is. It's delicious. Delicious. Do you know vanilla? Vanilla as a term for like plain, has its, has its origins in swinger culture. Like that was like, like swingers, swingers would say like regular conventional

sex with one partner was vanilla sex. And then that got generalized to, well, like something that's, that's plain is vanilla, something that's ordinary and regular is vanilla. But that's, vanilla was never thought of that way. It's just like that, it's, it's, there's a, there's a term for when a word becomes generalized like that. That would, but that's, you found this, you found this, you found this out in the swinger world yourself or how did you know?

I was at the Cloak and Dagger Club. Are you the gaster that breaks? I, I, I'll say this, I prefer Del Taco, but I think Taco Bell is great. The app is great. The veggie cravings for me, you know, not eating any meat this year, no meat shall I eat the veggie cravings menu in the app is really, really well organized. I like that everything's there. I like that you don't have to make any modifications.

They're just ready to go vegetarian. And it's great for drive-thru pickup and that works really elegantly. It's some change it doesn't. Real quick, black bean quesarito, black bean country wrap supreme, cheesy roll-up, cheesy, if he has some potatoes. Cheesy, if he has some potatoes, I didn't get a fork. Will that affect my fork score? I don't know, but it made it impossible to eat in the car.

That said, I love this menu item. It's a great treat. Cheesy roll-up. Man, I never get this. What is this? I operate, it's just a little, it's just like a single quesadilla or I'm sorry, it's a quesadilla like a taquito basically. It's like, it's, it's just a flour tortilla rolled into a tube stuffed with cheese.

Fantastic wise. Stuffed with warm nacho sauce, you know, warm tortilla, warmly rolled up and then placed into a warm bag. This simplicity of that sounds delicious. This simplicity of that, a real bag. Thank you. This simplicity of that sounds delicious. It's better than their quesadilla and it just, just so much flavor per bite.

The black bean crunch wrap supreme was the star of this particular outing. I agree with what you're saying that it's not quite crunchy. It's always a little bit soggy, but I like it. I kind of like that texture. It works for me. And the black bean quesarito, just too much rice. I don't, I don't, I just personal preference. I just don't need that much rice.

Mitch, and also I went all fire sauce this time. My previous review, I did half fire, half Diablo, just to give Diablo sauce another shot. Not worth it, stick with the fire. Mr. Slice, talk us through your Taco Bell. I opened up the Taco Bell app and I, and I thought to myself, what would Proust write about a place like this? Proust.

David Proust, Darth Vader. Fuck. Did I get his name wrong? Did I say it wrong when I heard it? Proust. It's Proust. You don't pronounce the T. What would Proust, what would Proust?

It's Proust. What would Proust? David Proust. You're saying David Proust now. What would Proust, what would Proust write about? Go for Proust. Go ahead, Proust. Go for Proust.

Did you see, did you see the Oscar directing video that was online where the guy, the editor, the guy who's like running the live show is, it's great. It's a great, it's a great. I love it. Is it the Cuba Gooding Jr. speech? That's the one I remember. It's just like, it's so fucking good.

Just a fucking pro. At the top of his game. That's right. How does someone develop that degree of technical proficiency? And actually get so flawlessly under pressure. It's unbelievable. Holy shit, he woke up. Jesus.

He, he heard Cuba Gooding Jr. and was flying. He's back. So I, so I, I was making my pizza and I realized I'm never, I'm not going to get this in time. I'm just not going to get, I'm not going to get my food in time. I texted the Quincy guys. Micahs helped me out.

Micahs came to the rescue. He went to the same Taco Bell that I went to yesterday. A madhouse, once again, likes, but Micahs got me this. He got me a cheesy Gordy to crunch my go-to always. Paul, something, something I never get and something that I loved and something that you got, a soft taco supreme. I don't usually get that. I loved it.

I got, I got a quesarito, a chicken quesadilla, a crunch wrap supreme, and a large Mountain Dew Baja Blast. And that all got there. And then I got just a regular taco, just like a regular hard shell taco was in the bag. And a quesalupa, beef quesalupa was also in the bag. And the hard shell taco, everything, everything had to sell in the bag.

The quesalupa is really good. Isn't it? Was what, what was what in the bag? You said, and there was a hard shell taco in the bag. Like it had just fallen in there by accident. I didn't order it. I didn't order it. Either Micahs added it, it was a bonus or Micahs added it.

And I didn't order the quesalupa. Micahs just put that in there. Micahs saves the day. Micahs did save the day. And the, yeah, no, the quesalupa is, is fun. It's, it's a lot of cheese. I wish I could taste the cheese more on it, but I do like it. The food arrived when I, when I was pulling the pizza out of

the oven, basically. Around the same time. We watched. Putting the, oh no, when I, when I put the pizza in the oven. Yeah. So I was put, I put the pizza in the oven. And so I was taking bites of all this. Paul, I really love that, uh, the soft shell taco.

And you know what really hit this time, Nick? The quesarito was fucking good. It just had a lot of great flavors going for it. I've really liked it. I wanted that so bad. That was one of the things I wanted to get. And they tell me about, tell me what is in a, what's a quesarito? It's basically a, it's a burrito that is covered in like a quesadilla,

like wrapper. I mean, Nick, you can maybe, you know, I know neither of us can do this. Um, it's about the size of a room so they can only serve in that full-sized taco bell. Right. I went to the shitty one. I had the shitty one delivered. Can't go to like a, a taquita belita in a Glenhill or whatever. Right.

Right. It was, it's fantastic. I don't know. I think you should, you should try to get it. It's, it's just. All right. I'll do that in the Dorito one. I'll do that in the Dorito taco.

Because I like myself. Because I like myself. I need to do this. Yeah. Wiger, that was the Spoonman bite of the doathon. Besides my pizza. Wow. How about that?

This is a better bite. Wow. The, uh, I gotta say that. Wow. The cheat. Wow. The cheat. Wow.

Go ahead. Wow. Go ahead. Wow. Wow. Bro, wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. I'm the re-enable alerts in the chat. Wow. Wow. Wow. Woof, woof, woof, woof. You know what?

But a lot of it was hidden from me. I really, the case of D was actually good. I don't usually like them, um, but the case of D was good. My, my cheese is going to crunch my favorite item there. It got a little Freddy Kruegered wigs. Again, it's stuck to the wrapper. It's stuck to the, uh, it's stuck to the wrapper the second time because I've gotten it twice.

Um, and, and then the, the hard shell taco was, was pretty decent. But, um, the, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, what's it called? The snack wrap. Is that what it's called? Crunch wrap. Crunch wrap. That was good. But I just, I ate it.

You guys saw me eating it on, on during the show here. Yeah. So, uh, so I just ate it a little, a little, a little late. Anyway, I love Taco Bell and it was still good. I'm mad at young, I'm, I'm, I'm mad at young brands for what they've done wigs. We, we, they, they, they should offer, they should Willy Wonka it. The adult, the, the, the, the man who makes toys for adults,

Willy Wonka, they should continue that trend. They should be making adult toys, Wigs. Right. Taco Bell makes the best adult toys. Um, sure. Taco Bell makes the best. I want a cool ranch, something like a cool ranch Doritos, some kind of like Frankenstein item.

Yeah. They've barely explored the Doritos flavors. There's so, so many places to go. There's so, there's so vanilla with their Doritos flavors. This is, this is, this is, and Mitch to your, to that point, friend of the, friend of this podcast, uh, my son, who shall never be named was saying that this afternoon. He's like, they should just make the craziest stuff

they can think of. It's true. Why not? It would be so exciting. They're already going in that direction. That's everything I wanted to order. I did not want a simple taco. I did not want, like, I want to give me, give me the,

every, I want everything, a word that I don't know what I'm asking for. That's what I want. And here's the thing, they had cool ranch Doritos, Locos Tacos. They took them away. Yeah. This is what, the young foods is fucked up.

No. Why would you take that away? The, I, I mean, I don't quite understand the logic for it, except that it's probably like, we only are using this shell for this particular menu item and we can't justify the cost. We'll, we'll make just as much, we'll make more money by, by reducing our menu

and we'll, we'll sell more of the other items. I heard about your trolls. I think young, young food is a troll. You know, you know what young stands for? Why are you mad? They're just trolling. Wow. That's what they're doing.

Holy shit. I'll make sense. Why are you mad, bro? Holy shit. Can I run something by you and idea? What if they made in, in addition to a Dorito hard shell, what if they made a Bugles hard shell? Yes.

Why not? Go for it. Yes. I will stop in you. I don't know if you know this, Paul, but you may know the world just stopped revolving. When you said that. Wow.

Wow. The world said, I need a minute to think about this. Because Bugles are not. I made it to corn tortilla, you know what I mean? It's the greatest idea. I mean, because it's not a flavor that, you know, it's not an everyday flavor, you know? You're like, oh, Nana, Nana bought the Bugles.

I'm going to town at like the pre-thanksgiving party on the Bugles. The thought of making a Bugle, not shit like a Bugle, but like a taco. I'm in for that. Why not just make a big Bugle and put taco meat in it like a cone? Oh my God, like a cone.

Wow. That's, that's like a, hey. I just got to, my heart started, I literally just started salivating. Here's what I said again. They should make a giant Bugle that's like a cornucopia and it could become a Thanksgiving tradition that you put Mexican food ingredients

in the big Bugle and then you, and then you try to carve it and it shatters and it's no good to anyone. And everyone eats it with their hands. What if you had a Bugle cornucopia that you filled in Mexican food that it shatters, but you could also put like cool ranch or regular dust. You could dust like, like adding the dust

on a Bugle shell. Are you kidding me? Look, we all hate, listen, young brands, we all hate our bodies. We want to destroy ourselves. Yes. Let us do it, let us do it. Give us the tools.

Yum. Yeah. Help us, yum. Help us. Well, without further ado, I, well, go ahead, Nick. I was just going to say, real quick on the dust. So some further ado. We're some further ado.

Just real quick on the dust. This is a factoid that I picked up that I disclosed in a recent episode. The Cheetos dust, the Cheetos dust internally is canonically referred to as Cheeto. That's true, Cheeto. Cheetos dust they call Cheeto. Like Don Cheeto?

How do you spell it? It's like Don Cheeto. So what a T. But do you know who originated that? TLE. It was Rich Hall originated that in Sniglets. This is true. I remember reading that.

And he spelled it with a D. And then they adopted that. They were like, oh, they took this joke and were like, hey, you know what? That's actually helpful for our internal language. If memory serves, yes. Wow, wow. Decades later.

Incredible. Decades later, they embrace it. I love it. It takes what it takes, Paul. It takes what it takes. Guys, you wore us down. We admit it. It's disgusting.

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Let's get to our final thoughts on Taco Bell. Guys, I want to say this. Get to our final thoughts, but we've hit $155,000. Unbelievable. Incredible. We're just going to keep that going until we shut down the stream at 9 p.m. Eastern. But right now, let's get to our final thoughts on Taco Bell. We're reviewing for the six times.

Here's how this will work. We'll each go around. We'll give a closing hour, if you will, and then end it by giving it a rating from zero to five. Forks, you're all better than the podcast. You know the format, but just a refresher. John Hodgman, we'll begin with you. So I do feel like there's only one way to eat Taco Bell,

and that is to go to the restaurant, which is horrible, a horrible curse. This is not food you can eat easily in your car without getting sprinkles of all kinds of stuff all over your lap. If you order it and take it home, it gets cold and disgusting and soggy. The only way to do it is to go in there, order the thing you know is good,

get out of there as quickly as possible and eat it, and ideally do it on Commonwealth Avenue in 1991 with Charles Diggs. Perfect moment in my life. Make it a bean and cheese burrito. A great friend. My criteria was what of this could possibly hold up beyond 35 seconds, and almost nothing did, including the cheesy crunch gordita.

I think that's what it's called, right? Did I get that right? Anyway, you know it. Cheesy gordita crunch. Cheesy gordita crunch, yeah. Like, I admire the idea of trying to combine crunch and soft. It's cool. But it's not cool ranch because it just gets soggy.

I will say there was one sandwich, one thing that happened that really took me by surprise, and that was the soft taco that I got with the spicy potatoes. They were great. That was delicious. And overall, I would say taco bell's vegetarian options are far superior to any of their meat options. Their seasoned beef is, wow, not seasoned properly.

It's kind of trash. The chicken and the steak were both, I mean, the steak tasted like liquid smoke in Gainesburgers. It was no good. But the spicy potatoes really were terrific in the soft taco. I also, I agree with Arden that the queso lupa, their chalupa, that texture works. That fried bread gives it heft, and that will hang together in a car.

And you can reheat it at home easily. I reheated my stuff in a pan. I just put it in a pan, flipped it a couple of times, but then I had that bean and cheese burrito. Now listen, first time I was on this podcast, and it's been a gift to me to have been associated with this podcast, I have to say. It's destroyed my body for sure.

I was in good shape when I came by there in 2017, and weighed eight Arby's. And you said, now give me the fork rating, one to whatever was five. I'm like, I'll give it one fork. And both of you said, wow. Because I just fucked up Arby's golden plate status or whatever. Because my mistake was, I thought I was supposed to be rating the food

as though it was meant to be good food. Now I know that's true. Because Arby's was bad. Most of Taco Bell was bad. Situationally, contextually, we all love it. We have the things that we loved from before, but there's not just better, obviously better Mexican food in the world, but there's better fast food Mexican food, as Paul pointed out.

That bean and cheese burrito tasted exactly like it tasted in 1991. Which is one of the best meals of your life. And unlike Paul F. Tompkins, who felt disappointed that that thing, that the soft taco supreme tasted the same way. Uneasy, uneasy. Uneasy, yeah. I truly went back in time. It was so consistent and so good.

And I think it's now $1.69. They're keeping with the 69 theme anyway. As they should, as they should, as they should. And that's something you can eat in the car. And when it gets cold, you put it in a cast iron pan, flip it over a couple of times. It was goddamn delicious. And so I'm giving, do I give my fork rating now?

Yes, please. This is not, I'm not grating on a curve. Is it one to four forks? One to five forks. One to five forks? I'm going to give it four forks. Great score. Not grating on a curve, but that bean and cheese burrito,

and some of those secret menu items like that, I fully believe that that quesadilla taquito thing you had, Nick, was good. I think some of their, they've got some hidden gems on that menu. And it's the simple stuff that works the best. Counter-intuitively. And I take back a fork because a lot of the food was garbage. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Four forks. Wow. Four forks with John Hodgman. Still in the go play club. Arden Marine. Okay. Thank you so much for asking.

First of all, truly, truly a highlight. I'm not even, like, I'm not even exaggerating. Being a guest on Doughboys. Here we go. It's been the highlight of my year. And this is my third time. I mean, I was, truly, it's been such a pleasure. And I'm so honored.

God bless you. Maybe it makes sense this year. Yeah. And with my colleague, to be here with these two colleagues, what a, what a treat, like chef's kiss. Okay. So, you know, I take it very seriously. I, listening to John, I'm aware that I am not a good cook.

And I, I didn't know that I should have heated it up in a pan. So I'm going to allow for human error. I also agree. But not for that post, mate. Not allowed. Human error, not allowed post, mate. I, I regret not going there. It was literally just a time situation.

So I, I would recommend going there. Um, I wish I, you have to use the fire sauce, although quite honestly, I don't even mind the weird flavors of some of the, like the lower level of heat. Like it's, yeah, Paul, that's how you do it. Um, a little shimmy, shimmy, shimmy. I, I personally, I, I love that I really like tip of the hat. Like I respect that they put, that they really do just take the same combo of things, but just go, like they take the same items and just throw them

all together and like, I will order any new weird version of that. You put a new name on it. Like I got, like I couldn't figure out what to pick. I wished I could order more. Um, the queso lupa was so good. I wanted more beef. I wanted less of the sour cream, but again, I blame, well, you know what? I blame Glendale on that.

I blame Glendale. Now that I, now that I, now that Paul has actually reconned for us, now I know who made it and I, I wasn't at a operating on all firing and all cylinders taco bell. Um, I, I'm going to say if I was on a road trip and I'm driving across the country and I get off at a rest stop and I see a bunch of like fast food, I would still go McDonald's before Taco Bell to be really honest. I love McDonald's. I really like Taco Bell, but like I, I love McDonald's.

And so for that reason, and for all the sour cream, I'm going to give it three and a half forks. No. I'm sorry. It was all sour cream. It was all, did I fuck you over? I'm afraid you just Arby's it. I, I love that you said that.

I love that you said that. Did I fuck you over? There is no fucking over. Giving your honest evaluation is the right way to, right way to go. I mean, because I also want your fans to trust me that when I say like, I love the cheesecake factory, they know that I mean it, you know? I think, I hear, I think if you had a, if you had your, your high ex, you had your expectations for Taco Bell and this order did not deliver on that

three and a half forks, three forks two times is very much a fair score. So I don't, I don't feel like you have to retract it under pressure from us or the chat. I think that's a great score. I wouldn't reorder it like that. I would go get it and make sure the sour cream wasn't in it. Wow. So I don't, I don't want to be like the, I don't want to do it just to like

fit in it. This was a three and a half fork order. I think. I'm so sorry. If I could just, I see in the chat that we, that we reached 156,000. That's right. Oh shit. Which is amazing.

But now because you bumped Taco Bell out of golden plate. Oh my God, I don't want to do that. They're taking their money back. Okay, fine. Okay. Four forks, four forks, four forks, four forks, four forks. You know what? Taco Bell has been nothing but good to me.

I gained 30 pounds in college, partially from Taco Bell. So because of that, like the, the, this restaurant that made me partially not fit in my pants. Let's give it four forks. Okay. We're back to 150s. Wow. Great.

We're back to four. We're back to four. That's from the last from the past art and just chowing down. Wanting to keep up with people that were a foot taller than her. Like I was born without an off valve, but they're all like six, four. And it's me. And I'm like, I can literally eat as much as them. But I then don't, I don't fit in my pants.

So I'm going for the college ardents giving it a four. All right. We're back up to 156,000. Everyone appreciated your story. Well, all that made me moot, depending on the rating of our final guest, PFT, your, your's closing argument, your forks score. Go for Paul. I was kind of excited to revisit Taco Bell.

It had been such a long time. I have to say, I will echo that when I'm in the mood for fast food, a place like McDonald's, I feel like delivers something that feels substantial when you eat it. And that to me is a big, a big part of, if I have a craving for that kind of junk, if I'm going to, if I'm going to indulge myself in something that I really shouldn't have, I have no business having, then I want it to at least feel like I ate a meal, you know. And I ate, so I ate three, my wife and I shared them, but I ate, you know, I tried three different things from Taco Bell and I felt hungry year after I ate them

than I did before I ate them. And there's something that feels very insubstantial about it all. And I don't know if, if by design, what you're supposed to do is order half the menu every time you go there or something, or if they're just like really, they've just really leaned into like their high clientele where they're like, look, people are just going to buy a bunch of shit. They're not, they're, they're tasting it in a different way. I don't know, but it was very disappointing.

It was really not, it wasn't that, it wasn't fun, you know, I didn't feel like, wow, I got this taste that I never get and I really enjoyed it. So, and I don't think that I'll really, I don't think I'll really ever crave it again, you know, it didn't do it for me because there are better options out there than Taco Bell. And so I'm going to give it two forks. Wow, wow, Arden, you can go back to 3.5, it's over. Okay, it's over. Okay, okay.

It was really underwhelming. Maybe, maybe it's just the branch we went to, we went to the same one. But that's a fair thing to do about you. Oh, but it tasted the same, you know what I mean? It tasted the same. You're both of your, so both of your meals came from the same Taco Bell. Paul went to pick it up and Arden, you had it delivered by the first one. All right.

Wow. And I want to tell her, and I mean, I have, if, if the, the, the soft taco supreme tasted exactly as I remember it from like having it five, 10 years ago, I can't imagine that the other menu items were anomalies and didn't taste like they do at every Taco Bell you could go into, you know? That's fair. That's fair. What, what a pendulum swing for Taco Bell from last night, re-entering the Golden Plate Club

to the next night, 24 hours later, being ushered out the door. How do you feel? Give us your thoughts. How do you guys feel? Well, I'll tell you right now. And I, look, I won't be as, uh, pristine as you guys are, were in your reviews here, but I will try my hardest. Oh boy.

I want to give a, I want to give a shout out to Greg Shields, uh, um, from Quincy, Nick, one of my friends. He gave a hundred dollars. Shieldsy. What's up Shieldsy? Shieldsy. His mother-in-law is Kathy Woods, if you want to expand the Quincy expanded universe. Thanks, Woodsy.

Thanks, Woodsy. Thanks, Kathy. Kathy Woods has gotten a lot of play this weekend. How's your mother? She certainly has. And I, you know, I want to give a shout out to my sister who is, who today she left, uh, a binder of all my family's recipes that she had copied for me to get to me to take back to California. Oh, that's really nice.

Beautiful. You got a nice sister. I know what you should take a picture of all those pages and sell them as NFTs. She's a great sister. That was, it was very nice of her. I love her. Okay, so I love Taco Bell. Maybe this will be Prostian.

Do it. Leave it on the field. You've had a long day. I love Taco Bell. Nick, I, you know, I, of course we're upset with the, with, with, with the way they've devolved in many ways and they've taken away some menu items, but it's still that, it's still that friend after all those years. Hodgman attests to it.

It's, it's, it still has that great taste that you, that you expect from it. It's a, it's a, it's a warm friend in a, in a, in a, in a, it's a, it's a, it's a warm friend in a warm bag. A warm, real friend. A warm, real friend. And I had it, Nick, compared to 25 hours ago when I had it then, it was just as good now as it was then. And before I just give my score, I just want to, I just want to say to the important,

the places in Quincy, cause we're, we're, this is for, you know, a restaurant workers charity. I just want to shout out a few places. Balducces that Angelo owns Balducces and Quincy and him and Ola's staff and Kerry, who owns 16 C and all her staff and Jimmy Liang and all his restaurants and, and Neil Kiley, who's my God brother and the fat cat and all their workers. Thank you. Thank you to all the restaurant workers for what you do.

And hopefully this helps at all, but five forks for Taco Bell. It's, it's, it's, I said this at one point. It's my favorite restaurant. It is my favorite restaurant. I love Taco Bell. The cheesy gordita crunch is great. I'm disappointed by this Glendale outing and, and, and, and hopefully that, hopefully the, you guys have a better experience.

Paul, I hope you have Taco Bell again, but five forks and, and, and our, our, and you as well. Yeah, I hope I will, I will, you know, I will. I'm a monster. I'm going to chase that dragon until I'm just going to go to a different Taco Bell. What a perversion of the concept of hope. Mitch, thanks for the shout out to five forks. Thanks for the shout out to restaurant workers.

Oh wait, wait, hold on. And the ice cream power in Dieter, you know Dieter too. So shout out to him as well. Go ahead. Why, sorry. Appreciate you shouting out the restaurant workers of Quincy and everywhere, especially today on international workers day, May day, really, really hope that, you know, some of the work that great organizations like the restaurant workers community fund can lead to labor power

ascendancy and said the service industry, especially food service, where we see how you go to a Taco Bell and you see how fucking hardworking everyone is. And just like what a tough job that is. That's what I meant to say is that 25 hours ago and today Taco Bell mobbed. They're just mobbed with people. Micas was in the road. People were beeping at him in the road to get into what he's trying to get into Taco Bell. Isn't it the number one fast food, like chain restaurant?

Isn't it top dog right now? I think in terms of locations, I think it's still Subway. In terms of per store sales, it might be something like a Chick-fil-A. I'd have to check. But I think actually McDonald's and Subway are still very big, but Taco Bell is up there. Taco Bell's got like 7,000 plus locations. But yeah, it's oftentimes a shitty job and you should be fairly compensated and treated with respect. And as arduous as this has been for our physical and mental well-being, Mitch, I feel like it's a lot of times, so if you're working in a fucking fast food restaurant or

a chain restaurant, you have shifts like this all the time, not 24 consecutive hours, but long shifts where you're on your feet and people are disrespecting you and you're not fairly compensated and you don't get the breaks you deserve and you don't get the health care you deserve. So I'm hoping, we're not heroes, but I'm hoping that we can at least with through this event and with through the funds. Okay, we're heroes. We're heroes. Do a small part for being so reliant on the work of food industry workers, service industry workers, to hopefully pay some of that back. Taco Bell is great.

It's a great vegetarian option. These two trips reminded me I should go to Taco Bell more often. Five forks and hey, that'll wrap it up. We'll call it there, this episode of Doe Boys, John Hodgman, Arden Marine, Paul F. Tompkins. Wow. Can I quickly point out that the chat was saying Arden looks like she has a halo over her and PFT was looking like the, oh my God. Wow, what is that? Oh, he said a Taco Bell. Look at that, he said Taco Bell.

I'm at the Taco Bell. I'm ascending out to fast food heaven. My time on earth is complete, mission accomplished. Goodbye, fuckers. Hodgman is in some sort of purgatory, it seems. Wow. Night is falling on the east coast. Thank you all so much. Any plugs before we let you go, Hodgman? I'd just like to say that this coming two weeks are the Maxfun drive at maximumfund.org,

which is my podcast network, not mine, but the one that I am lucky enough to be on. Judge John Hodgman podcasts every Wednesday and Maxfun drive is when we come to you and ask you to go over to maximalfund.org slash join if you care to support us, but that's a different fundraiser. This is a more meaningful fundraiser, so thank you for letting me be a part of it. Maxfun, a great podcast network. I myself am a subscriber and a listener of many of the shows over there. Arden Marine, God bless you. Anything you'd like to plug? I have a book called Little Miss Little Compton that's available worldwide, and then I host a podcast on iHeartRadio or wherever you get your podcast called

Will You Accept This Rose? It's a comedy podcast about the bachelor franchise, and we will be kicking off the upcoming season with a live draft picks show with Dynasty typewriter with Doug Benson. Yeah, Doug Benson's Our Rookie of the Year, Rob Benedict. There's all of Padgett Brewster. There's all sorts of fun people, and that is Friday, June 4th, 10 bucks. You can watch it live, or you have a week to watch it. Will you accept this rose? Love it. Thank you, Arden. Wow. World of Warcraft. Yeah, man. I would like to plug. I have two podcasts running right now, Freedom that I co-host with Lauren Lapkus and Scott Ockerman,

and Stay of Homekins that I co-host with my wife. We record a podcast every Friday night in our home, and then we put it out, unedited, immediately afterwards. And also, tomorrow night, I'm doing a live streaming improv show with Lauren Lapkus, courtesy of Dynasty typewriter. That's tomorrow, 5 p.m. Pacific, and as Arden said, if you can't watch it live, it will be archived afterwards. They're so funny together. They're so good together. You can't go wrong. You're too kind. Speaking of funny, three of the funniest people in the world, and we raised

$157,000 so far. That's amazing. Now, that's a while. That is a while. That is legitimately amazing. That's so much money. I never stop believing in you, Doughboys listeners. Guys, this is, I want to say sincerely, this is great that you did this. It's so fantastic of all your fans to tune into this and to donate and to have raised so much money for such a great cause. And I'm really pleased and proud to have been a part of this. I'm so glad you did this. Thank you so much.

Oh, God bless you. What a thing to say. You guys rule. John Hodgman, Arden Marine, Paul F. Tompkins. Thanks so much. We love you. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Bye. Thank you.

Bye. On the next Doughboys Double, movie theaters are open again and the Doughboys are on the aisle. Mugi Blakelock joins us as we review wine country buddy dramedy sideways. It's one of my favorite movies. If anyone orders Burlo, I'm unsubscribing. Get the Doughboys Double every Tuesday only at patreon.com slash Doughboys.