Doughboys - The Cheesecake Factory with Beck Bennett

Episode Date: August 25, 2016

Saturday Night Live's Beck Bennett joins Mitch and Wiger on his maiden voyage to famed chain The Cheesecake Factory, and files his review of its expansive menu. The 'boys go clear on a new Drank or Stank.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The roots of modern medicine extend far back to the physicians of ancient Greece. While their central tenet, that bodily ailments are rooted in an imbalance of the four humors – blood, phlegm, black bile, and yellow bile – has since been fully discredited, these classical medicine men still made countless contributions to the philosophy behind how we diagnose and treat disease. Hippocrates crafted his enduring doctor's creed, the Hippocratic Oath. First do no harm. Asclepius advocated the calming powers of chamomile, and his insignia, a serpent coiled

around a rod, remains a universal symbol for medicine. An Agamus, who wrote the first documented treatise on the pulse, also published the first known recipe for a cake made from soft, sweetened cheese. This ancient Greek sweet treat was revived in the post-Civil War United States, when New York dairymen pioneered an American varietal of French neufchatelle cheese. In 1949, a Detroit housewife named Evelyn Orton opened a home business selling the dessert and where her children were grown, she relocated to California to open a bakery. In 1978, one of those children, David Orton, opened a food business of his own, a café

in the elite enclave of Beverly Hills serving sandwiches, salads, and the chain's signature, dessert supplied by his mother's bakery. The restaurant was a hit in expanded its locations throughout the country, and vastly expanded its menu from the original location's mere single page to its current epic poem length. This chain is beloved by civilians, celebrities, and foodies, Pulitzer Prize-winning food critic Jonathan Gold named it the best chain restaurant in America. Will this chain endure as long as the millennium's old dessert that inspired its name? Only time will tell.

This week on Doughboys, the Cheesecake Factory. Open to Doughboys the podcast about chain restaurants, we're a part of FeralAudio.com. The best way to support ours and other shows in the network is to use the referral link on our website anytime you shop at Amazon. I'm Nick Weigar, alongside my co-host, New England Suicide Barometer, Mike the Spoonman Mitchell. How are you, Mitch? I'm doing alright.

You got a new winner, my least favorite intro. You didn't like a little history of ancient Greece in there? Too much history. Yeah. Who cares about history? Who cares about it? Who cares about? Well, you know what that was like.

If you pay too much attention to history, you're doomed to repeat it. That's not the saying. Yes, it is. Henry Ford, though. Henry Ford had a saying, and he would say, history is bunk. Ooh. Yeah. Like the show?

Like bunk the show? I don't know. Is there a show called bunk? There was an IFC show called Bunk. Was there really? What was it? Yeah, how do you not know this? You're a comedian.

I forget what it was. I don't follow the IFC Gic Guts. It was a weird game show. I know Comedy Bang Bang Marin and The Birthday Boys. That's about it. Well, The Birthday Boys are laying in a ditch next to bunk. What does IFC have now, though? They got like reruns of Adam Sandler movies, and pretty much that's it, right?

Yeah, John, good enough to me. Real quick, that insult was courtesy of Ryan Carroll. If you have an insult you'd like me to use on Mitch at the top of the show, email roastspoonman at gmail.com. Also, some sick fuck used the roastspoonman gmail to sign up for an Amazon baby registry. I don't know why you would do that. I don't know why you would use this to make an account, but just a very bizarre choice. That's very funny.

I like that person. I'm getting all sorts of updates about the baby registry. Oh, shit. Yeah. It's turning you on. I'm sorry. I just want to say howdy-how to Spoon Nation. Here we go.

This is kind of long. Sorry. On a podcast run by corrupt officials. So, I'm going to read a brief statement and then make a special announcement. Because, obviously, it's not standard. And little cock boys. Natalie, Natalie, the cuckaroo that was a fud rocker. And now it's going to be a fud rocker's again.

One man leads a nation. What the fuck? A spoon nation. What? Yeah. I don't write them. You choose to play them, though. Should I stop playing my drops?

No. You can keep playing your drops. I just think you should listen to them ahead of time. Mike Mitchell is. But if you leave Spoon Nation, you are never really part of it. The Spoon Man. Fuck you, Rocko. Rated R.

Fuck. My stomach hurts so much. You were wincing. You were a little peek behind the curtain. Mitch was invisible physical pain while it was playing. Shut up, fucking phone, for God's sake. That was from this guy named Mitch at At How Intensive. Or How Intensey.

I don't know, Mitch. I just feel sick. Are you okay? Are you going to die? No, I'm going to be fine. It's okay. I ate hot sauce. I ate this really hot hot sauce earlier today.

I think my stomach is just reacting. You think it's that and not the eight pounds of cheesecake factor you ate before immediately coming here? That could be a part of it. Yeah. I don't know what's happening. Oh, by the way, we took our intern Yu Song out. It was just his last, it's tonight's his last episode.

Tonight's his last episode. Yeah, we took him out a couple days ago and this is being recorded on a Thursday and one week from today. This episode will be released. But yeah, this is his final. Yu Song will be gone. Yu Song will be gone and the podcast will be marginally worse. We'll power through it.

Yeah, that's true. But we went to your favorite place. We went to Hillstone. Hillstone. I bit into a bone in my French dip sandwich and I got to bring down my scoring a half of fork. All right. You alluded to this.

I want to dig into this one second, but first I want to introduce our guest because we talked about this a little bit before I'm ahead of time and I know he's familiar with Hillstone, familiar with this particular sandwich. He's a huge fan of bones too. Huge fan of bones, the Fox show. So from Saturday Night Live and the terrific sketch group Good Neighbor, Beck Bennett is here. Hi, Beck.

Hello. Hi, guys. Thanks for coming, dude. Pleasure to be here. It was really hard not to say anything. Yeah. Up until this point. You were trying to tell us to shut up.

Yeah, stop it. Stop. Start. Over. You shouldn't be doing this. We've tried to figure out a better system, but the thing is like, I think Fran Gillespie suggested that we have our guests sit outside out there with where Yu Song and Dustin are right now while we're doing our little bullshit up top.

I think Fran's stupid. Yeah. I know Fran. She's stupid. You know, I agree. Fran is stupid. I like Fran. I like Fran.

Fran's great. But I love Fran. I love you. We love Fran. Of course we love Fran. Why can't you get in on a joke? Dude, it was a joke, dude. Actually, I like Fran.

Fran's cool. Yeah, we know why. It's called a joke. Yeah, no, it is like, I wanted to chime in on a lot of things, so I was like, and then I was like, oh, I'm like, I felt it's a strange restrictive process because the mic is right there. Yeah, yeah. It's like right in my face.

Yeah. Maybe we should just cut down and not do that banter up top, and I shouldn't do my intro. We should just start with the guests, who is the reason people are listening to this thing. No, I like it. All right. I mean, that's my vote. I thought it was fantastic.

I love the intro. Oh, thank you, babe. I thought it was epic. Oh, God bless you. I had so much respect for Cheesecake Factory. I didn't know you had to go all the way back to, how far back? You went back to soccer cheese? I was surprised to learn that Cheesecake dates back to ancient Greece.

I think that is interesting. I did have to close my eyes for a second to try and follow it. I was like, wait, what's next? Yeah, it was a little much. Mitch, you were talking about your hillstone experience. We went with You Song in front of the podcast. We went with You Song. It was, yes.

Why did Susser come? I don't know. He only made life worse for You Song, so he shouldn't have joined us. I don't think You Song enjoyed his company, right? Thumbs up if you enjoyed his company. I struck. He got struck. He gave a shrug.

It seems like I've only met, I've known him for about five minutes. It seems like about the meanest thing he could say about somebody. I don't know. That is probably the meanest thing You Song could say about it. The shrug, that says everything you need to know about Susser. I love Hillstone. I'm a fan of it. I do, too.

I liked it a lot when we went. Great restaurant. But I got a bone. I got a bone in my French dip sandwich. Yeah. You literally have a bone to pick. I literally have a bone to pick. I bit into it and it hurt.

It was rough. Weigar saw me. I kind of struggled through the rest of the dinner pretending I was all right. But we did see Doc Rivers, too. We did see, yeah. Doc Rivers, coach of the Boston Celtics, now the Los Angeles Clippers. Great player, even better coach. I think I would have taken it down a full fork, if not for the Rivers sighting.

You would have lost a full fork because of one bone experience. Now here's ... Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, I don't know how you guys rate, but that's worthy of fork in my mind. An entire fork? But I'm an amateur. An entire fork for one stray bone? I don't know.

Because I think that ... But here's the point I would make. Hold on a second. In a French dip sandwich, you're supposed to be free with sandwiches. That's a soggy sandwich. Right. That's a soggy ... That's a nice sog.

Right. I think you're right. If you're getting a bone in a fish filet, you're getting it in a sandwich. In that context, it is very jarring, so I understand that point. However, I think this is a fair point to make. Our friend David Phillips pointed this out, that bone is part of a food stuff. That's part of a food product. It's not like you've got a piece of jagged metal or a piece of glass or some wood.

It was eye. Like eye is a part of food. No, I know. But I think that's less offensive than getting a foreign object like a bug. You know what I mean? That's true. It's not going to ... It was very uncomfortable for your tooth. I understand it was an alienating experience, but I don't think that's so bad.

It's just an indication that was freshly carved. Yeah. In a way, you could be like, wow, this is real organic stuff. Yeah. That's like when you get organic vegetables or sometimes bugs in there. Right. You know? Sometimes if you get organic vegetables, there's bones in them too.

Yeah. I love those. That's how I know I have really good vegetables. If you get bones in your vegetables, you're getting some fresh vegetables. This made me think about having cartilage in food before. Like I've had cartilage in tuna salad before at like ... That's weird. And that's the most disgusting thing in the world.

I've heard of it. It's because the texture is so gross. It's like rubbery. I've heard at SNL you demand shark fin soup constantly, right? Yeah, so. I like it. We actually ... We have interns that don't get us anything at any hour.

We should address a rumor that came up on Fran's episode. Oh, yeah. Is there any truth to the fact that the Doughboys will be hosting every episode of SNL this season? Well, I mean, we are not really allowed to talk about the upcoming host. I mean, I will say that I have seen Doughboy ... They have these cue cards that they each host and the date and everything, and you guys are on the board. Hell yeah.

That's great. I've also ... So I can't say whether it's every show or what show or if you're actually hosting, but I have seen you on the board. Yes. There's also too. There's that very telling interview with Lorne Michaels that was posted on Deadline where he said, this season I will do everything in my power to finally get SNL canceled, which

I think is a very strong indicator that we may have this one. Exactly. Yeah, he just wants to blow it up. Yeah, let's get two uncharismatic nobodies in the driver's seat for a full season. Yeah, you guys really suck. That would be hilarious though. But that's Lorne Michaels. Everything he does is gold.

He needs to try to do bad stuff. Gold. So wait, so you're saying ... Yeah, because Lorne can do no wrong. I love you, Mr. Lorne Michaels. Love you, Mr. ... He listened to a lot of podcasts, right? Yeah, he does. Absolutely.

So wait, so I just want to walk this back. Here's the thing I would say. Here's the bone I have to pick with you, Mitch. You didn't say anything to our server. You just, you like held that in and then you told us outside the restaurant ... You wanted me to swear at her, you monster? I didn't say I wanted you to swear at the server. You just took a huge leap.

He was like, hey, there's a bone. You wanted me to stand up and swear and kick her in the junk, dude? You didn't threaten the manager like you were supposed to. My brother actually did that once. He threatened, he made a death threat at someone at a Denny's. He was very drunk. Yeah. Oh my God.

He talked his way out of it with cops. Jesus Christ. I don't know. It probably shouldn't have disclosed that. How the fuck it was years ago. Now that's how you talk to a waiter. Get the cops involved. The Weigher family, huh?

You guys are like ... It's like the Mansons or the Gacy's or something. Now don't compare us to them. We'll first of all have the Gacy's. The man that you sleep like you did with confronting a waiter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, the Gacy's and the Mansons were very different families. I feel like the Gacy's, there was one bad sea. There was one bad guy in that family.

It wasn't like a whole family of murderers. The Manson was like a metaphorical family. It's what he called his cult-like acolytes. Mr. Manson, his dad. Mrs. Manson, his mom. I don't think the Manson parents were very involved. In fact, actually, the book I read about Charlie Manson, if I remember, I think the dad was absent.

I think the mom was troubled. I think it was like a ... You heard this book, Mom. Is this some sort of career training? No. How come you know so much about the Gacy's and the Manson's? I actually don't know very much about the Gacy's, but I was on a jag where I was reading a bunch of murder books, and then I had to get off of it because I would always be listening

to a murder audio book on the way in to work, and then sit down at this comedy writing job, but all I could think about was this school shooting I'd just been listening to about for 40 minutes. Oh my God. Jesus. But anyway, so here's what I would say. You didn't say anything to the server, and I bet at Hillstone because they have excellent service there.

Beck, you've been to Hillstone. They have excellent service. Oh yeah, it's like they go to school to be a server. They have, like you can tell, it's just like you're so comfortable with them. It's a clear path. Yeah. And Mitch, you didn't say anything, and I'm sure they would have made something. They would have made it right.

Well, guess what? Oh yeah. Now it's on you, Hillstone. If you want to make it up to me, I'm here. I'm not going to listen to this. Yeah, but it will. Get down here right now, Hillstone. Get Mitch a new French dip.

Make it right. As far as we know, the only thing affiliated with food that actually listens to this podcast is Santita's chips. I love Santita's chips, and you know what? We just got a new bacon jam in the mail, so we're going to try bacon jams. I want to just clarify that Mitch is speaking for himself, not for the podcast. I got bacon jams to send me a jar of bacon jams. We're going to try it on the air because they're cool.

Just to reiterate, the Doughboys can't be bought. The Doughboys can be bought. They can be fed. But I've heard people say, hey, can we donate money? And Nick says we can't be bought. I'm going to just put this out there. I'm going to post my address online. You can send me cash if you'd like.

All of our listeners... Wait, who says can we donate money? Like, individual fans? Some people, yeah, fans online say, can we donate to the podcast? I'm putting it out there. You can send me cold hard cash in an envelope. Maybe I'll send up a P.O. box. I would just also say, too, if you were wondering if you can donate to this podcast, you have

too much money. You should be investing or spending it on charity or something. I'll take money. If you want to donate money to me, use find me on Twitter and I'll set up a place for you to send me money. Beck and I are down to take any money while I can't be bought. I should put that out there on social media more like, if anybody has any money, I'll have some money.

Hey, if you like my stuff, if you like my stuff, you like what I do. Just send me some money. Yeah, I'd love the support. I'd love to be able to do more projects. People do that. They just put up patreons for themselves or little paypal links for themselves. People send them some cash. So, yeah, you can do that if you want.

We actually got a gift tonight. I don't think we're going to get into it. I think it was actually from Mitch who sent us that drop. I think it's the same guy and it was a package of stuff and one of them was a secret drink he sent along. Mystery drink. A mystery drink. It was wrapped in a paper bag.

It is scarier. Yeah. It was also, too, it was wrapped in Boy Scouts of America insignias around the entire outside of it. Yeah. You got really excited for a few minutes. That's not true. That's not true.

All right, Beck, so you're originally from Southern California, am I correct about that? I'm actually from Chicago. You're from Chicago. I'm sorry. No, that's all right. I went to USC. You went to USC. That's what I'm thinking of.

Kind of identify with LA. Right, right, right. So, Chicago, you know, we've had a few Chicagoans, a few Illini, what do you say, someone from Illinois? Chicagoans for sure, right? Chicagoans. Chicagoans. Chicagoans.

Chicagoans. I just kind of say Chicagoans. What's an Illinois resident? An Illini is like, that's like somebody from... It's a tribe, right? Yeah, well, that's like the fighting Illini from University of Illinois. Okay. I think...

Beck, where abouts are you from? Chicagoans again. I'm actually from outside of Chicago. Gotcha. I'm from Wilmet. Wilmet. Okay. Which is actually where Fran is from, too.

Oh, okay. That's right, yes. High school together, yeah. So, for you, you were blessed with Chicago food your entire life. Oh, God. It's so great. It's kind of like... I mean, yes.

Do you have something more to say about it before I just jump in? No, no, no. Please jump in. It's hot dogs. It's Vienna beef. It's like cheese fries and deep dish. It's like all heavy, heavy, amazing food. Yeah.

Everybody, a lot of people know deep dish and a lot of people will fight about it, you know, and be like, it's lasagna or whatever, which it's just like, I don't agree. I think it's amazing pizza, but I've sort of given up that fight and I just feel bad for those people. Right. For you, what's best? Are you a Lumal Nadi's guy? I am, yeah.

Okay. Oh, wow, I got it right off the bat. Yeah, you nailed it. I went to high school with Wil Malnadi. Oh, no. Like a grandson of Wil Malnadi, yeah. Did he always have pizza? They did.

Their fridge was always full with like pasta and pizza and salads from the restaurant. That's crazy. Was he a big guy? No. He's like a, he's a smaller guy. Great shape, nice eyes, gray hair, smooth skin. He's actually, I mean, he's a babe. He was like a little babe guy.

Right. That's a, that's, I feel like if I, if my parents ran like a pizza of successful pizza franchise, I'd be even bigger than I am. Like I would have some sort. I would, I would be huge. It was unfair. They were like, they were like spelt blonde Italians. Wow.

Oh my God. It's kind of like, but they were actually Italian. Yeah. Those blonde Italians. I know. God bless those people who win the gene pool. Yeah. But, and the end, but the thing about Chicago that I feel like a lot of people don't know

is that their cheese fries, their like cheddar fries, I've never had them anywhere else in the country because they're like, they're actually like a thick, cheddar-y sauce on the fries. Oh, wow. It's nacho cheese. It's not melted cheese. And often like when cheese like, like say in like macaroni and cheese or whatever, there's like this like gooey cheesy sauce, but it's kind of bland, but this sauce is like a real

cheddar quality to it. Some of them do like a velvita-y type thing or some other, you know, there are different versions of it, but it's so good. And specifically it's just, just cheese and potatoes we're talking about? Yeah. Yeah. Just over, over fries. That's a common dish you'll get there.

Yeah. Yeah. And Wilmet, they have criss-cut cheddar fries that are the best, one of the best things I've ever had. I love cheese fries. That's a thing that I will, I will. You guys, you talk about it all the time. I do too.

That was my thing growing up. Yeah. Like I like chili cheese fries a lot too, but my wife and I both love chili cheese fries, but there's sometimes just like, just the simplicity of cheese and fries. It's just like such a, such an outstanding, simple side. It is. Yeah. I'm interested to hear that that's like a thing there.

Is there a, here's my thought on the deep dish controversy. Yes. Controversy. No, I've been- It's a little bit, it upsets people. It's a controversy. It hasn't been settled. People come to blows over this.

Yeah. Like- Yeah. There's a New York Chicago division. That feud. Which is fine. Like, it's fine to prefer one to the other. Like, as far as calling it pizza or not, I feel like I'm back on the NeoGaff forums

and people are arguing as to whether or not Super Smash Brothers is a fighting game. Because it's like, I get this like- Okay, so hold on a second. Yes. You tried to say something to make it more relatable to people and you were talking about a message for Super Smash Brothers. That's so much more confusing. Let me, let me, let me finish this.

I get pizza. Cheese, bread. Well look, I know that Super Smash Brothers has some differences with something like a 3D fighter, like a Tekken or a Virtua Fighter and certainly a traditional 2D fighter, like a Street Fighter, like an SNK fighter. But it's still fundamentally, despite that it's got these platforming elements and these items and that the, it's a four player battle arena, it's still like a fighting game. But whatever you call it, we're just talking semantics here, it's just fun.

And it's the same thing with deep dish pizza, like whatever you call it, if you want to be the pedantic and say like, well, this is actually technically a casserole, fine. What to call it, whatever the hell you want. As far as I'm concerned, it's just a yummy thing you put in your mouth and then slide down into your tummy. And it's the same format, same ingredients, right? Right. It's just, it's just a little bit thicker.

Right. It's bigger. I don't like how Weigert eats his pizza. He places it in his mouth and then it slides down onto his tummy. I don't swallow it whole. Puts it, puts it out. Don't just head back, ah. Like an Anaconda type of move.

Yeah, it's like a cartoon character digestion. I wish I could eat like that, that would be great. I was envied how like Garfield could just shovel food in his mouth so quickly and swallow it. Yeah. Oh boy. Yeah, I envied that. So you've gotten to eat, how do you compare living in New York to the food you have back

in Chicago? You had the big three, Chicago, LA, New York? Yeah, I'm a city boy. Look at you. I'm a city boy eater. I eat my way through every city. The food, I mean, let's see, New York has so many restaurants that it's just overwhelming. I'll walk down a street and like all the bars and they're like so inviting and like some

of them are like couple steps down and just like like low ceilings and really like sort of like warm nestled like little just like charismatic little places and they're everywhere and so I'll walk down the streets in New York and be like I want to go there, I want to go there, I want to go there, I want to go there. And I just like there's no way I can possibly do it. I mean, to be honest, so in that sense, it's a little unmanageable. It's a little like like in LA, I feel like in the east side area and all those neighborhoods, you kind of know when a new restaurant has popped up, you know if it's good, you read

some blogs, you like hear people talking about it. But in New York, there are restaurants that have just been there forever and then there are so many new ones and it's just like, I don't know, I'll just go to this one and it'll be fine. Sometimes I just end up going to regular, I don't know, like my go-to restaurants. But the pizza's amazing, pizza's great. What's that phenomenon called? It's something like the paralysis of choice.

It's just when you have so many options, you just like aren't sure what to do. Yeah. I've heard that. That is a tough thing. I feel like when you have, like if you have a, what's it called, what's the app that delivers any food you want? Oh, like well. Postmates?

Postmates. Sure, yeah. It's like, I find myself a lot of the time when I'm getting used to postmates, I'm like, what should I get? I can get literally anything I want. It's usually when I'm hungover and I want something amazing and my decision-making skills are inhibited. Yeah.

And I'm like, I sit there thinking for like two hours and I'm starving and I just, I can't figure it out. And then it takes a full hour for it to come, too. I will say though, despite the like, all the restaurants and so many like choices that can be overwhelming, the distinct difference I see is like Steak Houses and Pasta. They do it better than Chicago. Definitely L.A. L.A. is not a Steak and Pasta kind of place, but they're great Steak Houses.

I feel like I didn't really eat Steak that much before going there. And then there's like this incredible pasta everywhere. What's your, what's your, because I love Steak. What would be your go-to Steak Houses in NYC? Oh man. This is actually, it's not necessarily the best, but Del Frisco's is right next to 30 Rocks. So sometimes like if we have time to kill or whatever, if there's something to, I just

want to have a fun dinner, like a couple of us will go over there and have like a good steak. Like, you know, it's like a Steak House, I kind of forgot like Steaks at a Steak House are like 50 bucks. Yeah, they're expensive. They're expensive. But yeah, it's like that kind of place. I've tried to go to Peter Luger's in Brooklyn, but it's all cash, which I guess isn't a problem,

but they don't take reservations or something. It's like hard to get into and there's always a line. I've heard the waiters are like obnoxious too. Oh, I'm sure they are. Everything about it sounds unpleasant to me. Like people are saying like, like, like, oh, the steak's amazing, but then the waiters are assholes. You have to pay in cash.

You can't get in. And it's just like, we don't want you to come here. I, funny enough, I had one of my favorite steaks ever in Chicago. Really? And I haven't had a lot of steaks in New York City, so I can't really compare. But at Gibson's, I had a steak at Gibson's Steak House and I loved it. It was so good. Gibson's is great.

Yeah, it reminded me kind of like an old school steak, kind of like a lot of them are, I guess. Right. But then their desserts were like gigantically huge too. It was great. Chicago has great, great food. Yeah. And now when you're at SNL and stuff, it's notorious for being kind of like a place

where you can, you have to eat terribly. So you're eating a lot of, you eat a lot of takeout and a lot of, like, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I mean, like, and to try to combat that, like, I'll make my own food and bring it because like, because otherwise you're just stuck with horrible options. I mean, they also, does everyone call you a nerd for bringing packed lunches? Like when there's like pizza or like Chick-fil-A at 1.30 in the morning, I'll like pull out a yogurt and be like, it's time for my little treat.

They're raspberries, man. Yeah, because I've never, I've never thought of you as a big guy, but I know that I remember I taught you a couple of years ago and you were trying to get in shape and stuff. And so weight has been a thing that you've struggled with. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I mean, like, and I think, I mean, being in front of camera, I think a lot of us do to some degree, but for me, it's like, I feel like I've always been in between types or whatever, you know, and like there are these like very specific, like, Jungian stereotypes

that are casting bases, you know, like just people relate to, I guess, in stories and whatever. My manager, I remember my manager, who's no, one of them is no longer my manager, but she was like, I was like, I'm trying to get myself in shape. It's okay to say she dumped me. I was like, I'm trying to get myself in shape and she was like, don't get yourself in too much. Right, right, right.

And I was also like, one, do you think that's going to happen? Don't worry about it. Yeah, don't worry about it, lady. Yeah. And two, like, like, that's also just a bummer to hear of like, we like you as the chubby man. We don't want you to like work on yourself. Your young Santa vibe is really working.

Yeah, I feel like it's either like, it's like skinny, regular or big. Right. It's like small, medium, large. And if you are like a medium, large, like, we don't know what to do with you. Yeah. Nobody will get it. And then if you want to like, have like a commercial look, it helps to have like really weird glasses or very specific facial hair.

Yeah. It seems like there's a lot of people who are just like, oh, we just want this weird-looking guy to be an artist. Yeah, if you have one of those curled mustaches, I feel like that helps with like, if you have like a waxed mustache, I feel like you're in good shape for, if you're going out for commercials. Or like the red-headed, red-bearded lumberjack. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I see that a lot. But that's so like, because, and we were talking about this a little bit at dinner, back while we were waiting for Mitch. It was 20 minutes late. Yeah, he was. He was 20 minutes late. And it was kind of weird, because he, well, he said he was going to be 15 minutes late.

Right. Then he was like a couple more minutes late on top. Yeah, even after being like... It worked out. But yeah, so... That's not my fault. I'm working. We were talking a little, I'm working too.

And I think we have similar situations where both of us, the weight we're at now, is not necessarily the weight our bodies want to be. So it's kind of like an ongoing struggle. And you have the, you have more pressure than me, because of what you're just saying, because I'm not an actor, and you are, and you're on camera. And so, like, it's just like, it's one of those things where it's just a constant annoyance and a constant source of stress, just trying to keep, to maintain healthy eating habits. Yes.

Yes. I kind of made a distinct choice last summer. I was doing this, this short, I just wanted to get in shape, and it's kind of like, just to kind of get it out of the way. And I did this short film, How to Lose Weight in 4 Easy Steps, where I kind of had to, well, like, I suggested actually losing 30 pounds. And so, I like, really worked on it. And so, I was able to sort of like, set that discipline in place.

And I think with, but I had like, three or four months to like, really focus on it. You know what I mean? And make that my job. And now, I kind of like it, like, I sort of reset my system a little bit as to what makes me happy. You know, I still like to eat, like, greasy, fatty foods, and whatever, like, desserts or whatever. You know, like anybody does.

But I think even back when I struggled with weight more, it was like, it was still a struggle then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whether I'm 20 or 30 pounds lighter or not, you're still going like, oh, well, I ate this. I've got to like, be cool for a little bit and exercise. And so, it's really just kind of like, a similar thing. But if I'm just in a certain shape, I just don't have to worry about it as much. Yeah.

Which day of the week is going to be your big cheat day? Because I have thoughts on this. Because every week, we have to do this fucking show. Oh, yeah. Which... You're blessed. It seemed like, I mean, I think that's why we started this. And now it feels like a curse in some sort of way of having to eat like this every week.

But I have certain, do you have certain days where you want to just eat unhealthy? Well, I have two things to say about this. Sunday is my day. Because that's our only day off at SNL. And that's like, it helps to kind of be disciplined the rest of the week with how rigorous the work schedule is. Right. Like, eating poorly or drinking will just make you more tired and less energetic.

So like, kind of just save it all for Saturday night and Sunday. But I will say like, I had that Sunday day for a while and I like, fully indulged in it. And that like, helped like, I could do whatever I want Sunday. And then the rest of the week, it just balanced itself out real well. And I would indulge so much on Sunday, to the point where like, after a couple of weeks I was like, I don't like this anymore. I was like, I was like making myself sick.

And then that becomes sort of not as much of a cheat day. But you know. Yeah. No, I have. But Sunday is my day. Sunday is kind of my day too. I have two temptations. Friday after work is done, which for you is completely different, I know.

But yeah. On Friday, if the work week is done, I'm like, I want to go out and eat and have like, drinks. Because I just want to celebrate being done with the week. Absolutely. I used to have that trigger. Yeah. I was like, we're working Friday night until 5am, you know, and sleep five hours and go back to work.

It's kind of gone. But yeah. That's going to be helpful maybe or in some ways where you have too much nerves to even eat or something. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. For me, it is that Friday night and then some alcohol.

And Saturday I can be okay, but then Sunday is another, Sunday's turned into such like a TV day that I just want to fucking sit and do nothing and just eat all day long. We have, my wife Natalie and I, we will go get ice cream on Sundays. I mentioned that a few times before on the podcast. That's kind of like my thing carved out on Sunday and that'll usually fold into an indulgent lunch or an indulgent dinner. But I pepper my cheat meals throughout the week just because I find that, you know, randomly it's someone's going away party or someone has a birthday or you've got a wedding and

it's just, if that happens, that doesn't always fall on a Sunday. You just sometimes got some random weeknight or some random Saturday that you've got to, you're just kind of forced due to social obligation eating unhealthy. So speaking of indulgences, which we're getting into earlier, the Cheesecake Factory, Beck, so we were talking about- I'm still like, I'm having issues. Yeah. I'm sweating and I-

I'm like slightly overheated. Yeah. I just like a little blood is pumping and I like a different rate. It's a gigantic meal. I mean, every time I go there, I feel fatigued afterwards. I feel like I've just finished boot camp, but it's, I don't know, it's a satisfying meal. And Beck, you hadn't been before.

We asked you to be on the podcast. You were very kind enough to volunteer your time and you were really pushing for the Cheesecake Factory. It seems like almost as an excuse so you could finally go to the Cheesecake Factory. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, there were other fast food places that I was interested in going to. One of them was like rallies and Sonic, you know, that may be too far away.

Like that menu just seems crazy to me and I wanted to try those fun, weird things. But then like, I was like, oh, Jack in the Box is great, but like I will indulge in that if I'm like out late and like have been drinking or, you know, that's like kind of like- It's an existing guilty pleasure. Yes. But for me, the Cheesecake Factory isn't ever in that situation. Even like Chili's and Friday's will be like, we talked about this. Those will be in a place where you're driving to Vegas or something.

Yeah. Yeah. Or there's like a wedding in the middle of nowhere and like you guys have, you guys go to Chili's or Outback Steakhouse or whatever, one of those places. But the Cheesecake Factory is in bigger cities and if to go to dinner or lunch there, there are just like other options. It's like, I don't know, we're not going to go to Cheesecake Factory for a serious, like a real meal.

You know what I mean? But then it's also not appropriate for like late night eating or whatever. So yeah. It's an actual restaurant. You have to go sit down at, there's no Cheesecake, maybe there is Cheesecake to go. You can't get it to go. But it feels more like a place you go and sit. It's a commitment because they tend to be located too in like malls and shopping centers.

So if you are getting it to go, I mean, that's like you've got to deal with a hassle of parking and everything. Yeah. And it's always crowded. It's like a very- It's like one of the number one rated restaurants of that, the chain like sit down restaurants. It's like one of the best, you know, or like that's what I've just read online, that like it's rated number one.

I think it is kind of the top class of these kind of chilies, but it's hard to even classify them with chilies and TGI Fridays and stuff. It's a step above that. It's a step above it and they are always busy. Every time I go to a Cheesecake Factory because there's a couple, there's one at the Grove and then there's, and we went to the Americana, the one tonight, which are two very similar places by the way. Yeah.

They're like these outdoor, if you're not from Southern California, they have these outdoor shopping centers that kind of have a Disneyland vibe. Yeah. They're like very nice shopping malls. That's right. Singing Fountains. Yeah. They move.

And they're packed and the malls are just packed anyways. There's always a wait at the last time because we almost did Cheesecake Factory once before and I went and we waited and then tonight I wasn't there, but you waited for a few minutes, right? Yeah. And also too, we've talked about this before, maybe not on the podcast, but we've mentioned this in interviews where when we first talked about doing this podcast, you and I were at the Cheesecake Factory at the Grove and we were discussing like trying to figure out

what we should do exactly and sort of zero it in on this chain restaurant concept. I wish we could go back in time. And kill those two. Wait, no. Oh crap. I was going to say something that I blanked out. I had something to say. Well, I'm going to jump on something that you said that.

I agree with you. You see Chili's, you see TGI Fridays. I don't see Cheesecake Factory as much and we were talking about this a little bit, especially in Los Angeles and we've talked about just this with the show is that you don't go to Fridays and you don't go to Chili's and then I feel like you especially don't go to Cheesecake Factories. In LA? In LA.

Right. Because you're going, you go to like these other cool restaurants. No one ever wants to go to Cheesecake Factory, but then after tonight I was like, why don't, why not? Why don't people want to go there? It's a good restaurant. It's like a birthday meal. Right.

It is. It is an indulgence and I think like, I think you were right at what you're saying earlier back of like it's not, it's out of tier above. It's kind of like that nicer. It's kind of more in that hillstone category actually, just kind of like hillstone mix kind of with some carnival food thrown in there because it's got some major indulgences. It sneaks into me. I feel like, I feel like it sneaks past the TGI Fridays and Chili's.

Yeah. It's definitely another tier, another price point. It's a nicer restaurant. It's a restaurant you take a prom date to where you might not do that. Sure. How do I went to prom date? I'm a 35 year old man. Yeah, that's like it.

It's the way I take my prom dates. But it's where you take your prom dates. It's not, it wouldn't be crazy to see a bachelorette party at Cheesecake Factory. It's like a fun restaurant that people. I guess so. Right? Well, it depends where you're from and how much money you have I think. I feel like that way.

I feel like it's not a crazy thing. Like it's like a fairly nice meal and it's fairly expensive and like inside it's kind of got this vegas-y glamour feel to it. I have a question for you guys. It's a little nicer. It's all big and. Yeah. I've never been kissed dressing up as a high school guy and trying to go to prom.

No, I'm not trying. I'm not doing that. I could not pass for, I feel like I maybe look a little younger than my age but I don't think there's any way I could pass for a high school. I could barely pass for a high school student in high school. Everyone just thought I was a young teacher. When I was in high school, this is true. I was 15 years old.

In high school? In high school. All through high school. I was 15 years old. I was 15 years old. My sister gave me an assumption college sweatshirt because that's where she went. Right. And I put on an assumptions college sweatshirt and put on a Scali cap.

And went in. Scali cap? Yeah, like an Irish kind of. Okay. I don't know the term. And I went into the package store, the liquor store and bought beers all the time when I was 15 years old. And so I'm with you too.

I just looked like an old fucking garbage, an old garbage man my entire life. And these days you just put on a card again and some suspenders and you walk into a Denny's and you get that senior discount. Right over here. I always end up in a body bag. I think that you were like, you know, I put on a Scali cap. Like a what? You know, like a Scali cap or something like that.

And then I said a packy and all this dumb Boston shit that no one gets. Yeah, me and my buddy scubs and teabaws and rasi bags. Yeah, I went over there by the harbor. We had some Scali hats and whippets. This is with stocky. I did. I just mentioned, you know all my, you know all the Boston guys. I do.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I've always looked like an old piece of shit. Like Beck, I should try to take care of myself before. No, you should get some prom dates, dude. Let's get into our meal a little bit. So one thing I want to mention up top, our server, I believe her name was shy. I asked her name. I thought she was a real delight.

Just offering great recommendations throughout. Very candid, very accommodating. She talked back out of something, which I love. She was very honest. Usually there was like, yeah, that's good. I was like, she gave us four recommendations for appetizers and we got two and they were great. And then for the main course, I was like, she gave me two recommendations and then I asked

about two others. No, I don't like those. Yeah. Oh, okay. Then I won't get them. And I like totally, I was not expecting that. I usually look for support when I'm on the edge and if they usually will say, oh, that's really good.

And I'll be like, great. She flat out was like, I don't like those. I'm not going to get you those. Yeah. When you ordered the same drink as Nick, she was like, that's weird. We told her to say that, but she's like, is that weird if I get the same drink? She's like, yeah, that's weird. No, she specifically said it wasn't weird.

In fact, she then did think I was weird because she said, why would that be weird? And I said, I don't know. And then she went and got it. She's like, you're weird. And I got a great drink. I got a strawberry lemonade, as did I. Yeah. And it was great.

And we don't like to repeat stuff on there. None of us got an alcoholic drink tonight. We didn't. Yeah. I was like, I'll get an alcoholic basically every opportunity, but I was just like, I was feeling a little woozy because I've just had a very busy work week and I was up early today and I'm just a little fatigued. So I was like, if I get a little alcohol, I'm just going to be so sleepy when I get

in here. I actually got an espresso towards the end of the meal because I was feeling a little groggy. Well, I was thinking the same thing. I was like, if I have one cocktail, by the time we get here, I'm going to be tired. Right. Yeah. I'm very happy that we didn't.

The way I feel now, I'm happy I didn't. But you seemed a little woozy. You were looking a little olive oil-like when I first walked in there. Olive oil? Like the Popeye character? Yeah. You had your hair tucked back and a bun and you had those pearls and your red dress. Yeah.

Yeah. You looked a little like olive oil. Yeah, olive oil. You don't remember this? Well, I guess that, Mitch, you kind of look like Bluto all the time. Yeah, that's cool, man. That is cool. A pussy version of Bluto.

I look like Bluto, but I'm a coward. Yeah. So we had the very nice service. We got the beverages and then the appetizers that Shicer steered us towards the Buffalo Blasts, which you and I got on that first visit, not our first ever visit, that time when we were talking about the podcast years ago. That fateful day. Yeah.

Year and a half ago. And then we also got the fried mac and cheese, which she was very, very persuasive about. Now, let me say this about it, because it was very, very good, but she was like fried mac and cheese. I just changed her life and I'm like, I want to be like, I've had fried mac and cheese before. Right. So once again, you wanted to talk back to her.

And you did it. No. You wanted to be like, I'm fucking had mac and cheese before. Shut up. No. I think she thought we never had had fried mac and cheese. Yeah. Did she feel that way?

No. Well, here's what I would say. I think the charitable interpretation of that is that she means it in the sense of you've never had cheesecake factories fried mac and cheese. Okay. That's better. Like even if you had fried mac and cheese before, but this is the right way to have it. And it was a little different.

It was different. Like we got some marinara, some sort of tomato-y sauce. Yes. We kind of complimented it very well. Very nice. It was good. Because usually you get the fried mac and cheese, which is like that little disc. Yeah.

It's like that triangle, right? Mm-hmm. They're either balls or either get balls or triangles with fried mac and cheese. These were a lot like those ricotta balls, which you'll see as in, or ricotta is not the right word I'm looking for. Rice balls? Yeah, the rice balls. Yeah.

What's the word I'm looking for? The rice. No, no. Risotto. Risotto. Risotto. Risotto? Right?

I don't think it's risotto balls. They use like, they'll use like risotto rice and make them into balls. Maybe they're called, maybe they're just called rice balls. Hmm. We'll probably never know. It's definitely not orzo. I've never had an orzo ball. This doesn't sound right.

It resembled that, it resembled whatever that app is, whatever the proper name for that app is. I agree. But, but like just with the mac and cheese inside, yeah, very, very scrumptious and also too very like, sometimes you get those and they're like the mac and cheese is maybe a little gummy or maybe a little dried out from the deep fryer and here it was just nice and moist. It just tasted like, you know, fresh baked mac and cheese inside.

They do a good job at it. They do. Yeah, I thought the marinara sauce complimented it very well. Yeah. For awesome flavors. I was surprised that when you cut into it, it was like, when you cut into it, it was like a little mac and cheese dish almost. Yeah.

It was great. It's a little magic trick. She was great. She was too, in the buffalo blasts were, I'd say, is that maybe the most famous cheesecake appetizer? Yeah. It was their signature. I remember when we went.

Yeah. I've never seen it anywhere else. Right. Yeah. And we went, I remember that, that, that time when we were talking about the podcast originally, we asked about the buffalo blasts and we, because you'd gotten them before I hadn't at that time and our server said that people will just bring a picture of the buffalo blasts and be like, I want this.

Like they just saw it on Yelp and were like, I want this one, but they don't know what it's called. Well, check this out. Is that what you did? Buffalo blasts on my phone. I went through the apps and they have pictures of a lot of them. There's the mac and cheese balls on my phone. I also took photos of the crispy Cuban rolls and the loaded baked potato tots.

Those are some other things that I was going to be like, guys, this is what they look like. Can we do that? But I didn't have the guts when we got there, like, oh yeah, those sound good. Beck, what were your thoughts on the buffalo blasts? Well, they were, they were great. So this is your first time trying them, right? Oh yeah.

Yeah. They were buffalo wing wantons. Right. You know, but they're, it's a thicker fry. It's not the same whatever is in a wanton or like an egg roll. It's different. The fry was like really like flaky, thick, crispy. That was something that, that stood out to me and they were big.

Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, the inside didn't really have a buffalo like, what do you even, the inside was just sort of like a lightly spiced chicken and then you dip into the, the blue cheese and the actual buffalo sauce. Yeah. It's not like you get an overwhelming, which I almost think is a good thing. You don't get like, you don't get an overwhelming buffalo taste when you bite into them.

Right. You add, you can add on the buffalo, more buffalo sauce and, and blue cheese. Right. But it's kind of, I kind of like that level that they have of it in there. It's kind of like a cheesy. Yes. I did too. Cause I feel like if it was baked into it, it would like be there, but just not as like,

you want it like the, the dressing on the bite kind of as opposed to sort of like diluted throughout. Yeah. I feel like it could kind of like make it a little bit more artificial or something. It works for whatever reason. They are delicious. They are amazing. I do, I do really like the, cause we had two deep, different deep fried apps, which is

a lot. Which is why I'm dying. Yeah. But the wonton gives it a different sort of character than the typical breading. Like it's like a little bit of a different deep fried. It's a little lighter and flaker like you're saying back. Here's my only complaint. The dipping cups are pretty small and those buffalo blasts are pretty big.

Yeah. And so, and also too, you've got two dipping cups where like you want maybe a little buffalo sauce and a little bit of the blue cheese and trying to deal with both. Then you're doing a little cross-contamination, you end up with some blue cheese in your, your buffalo sauce and vice versa. I just wonder if there's a better system where maybe if they ladle that buffalo sauce onto it and then just gave you a bigger dipping cup for that buffalo. So you already had the, or for the blue cheese, so you already had that buffalo element on

it. Yeah, you can pour it on the outside or something. Right. You're very much a separate, but equal kind of guy. That's not, wait a minute. Yeah, you are. Totally. No, I totally agree.

Yeah. It was like hard to like get, get it in there sometimes. Yeah. I would love the, because you know, they're indulgent foods. You don't want to be like just daintily putting the sauce on. You want to like dunk it. Yes. Right.

Like you want to stick that thing in the container and have the sauce spill on the side. I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to see, I want to see some Carl's Jr. spillage. Yeah. We didn't have enough spillage. Just like fully, just like a half a foot tall container, maybe like two inches wide diameter. Just dunk the whole thing in. That would have been awesome. Yeah.

But it's, but it's like a little bit more respectable. Yeah. Cheesecake factory, you know, so. They are small. They could, they could, they could up the, they could pour a little bit more blue cheese in and a buffalo sauce for you if they wanted to. Yeah. And I think, yeah, putting it on there could be good, the buffalo sauce.

Another, another quick point on the apps. I think cheesecake factory does really well is they're very, very shareable and some places you'll go and they've, they've got maybe a little bit more of a, you know, a classic presentation or the dishes are a little bit more composed, but they're just harder to share with a party. I think at any point where you're having to cut things up to share amongst, you know, a party of four to six, that app is starting to. Get annoying.

Yeah. It's a little annoying. But here we had, you know, we had four just big, clear, obvious bites for the mac and cheese, the, the buffalo, uh, buffalo blast. I think we had six different ones, just very, very shareable, very, very easy. I will say also, sorry to go back to the mac and cheese balls. Yeah. And this is, you know, it's not necessary, but some like sort of meat in those mac and

cheese balls would have been. That would have been fun. I agree with that. That's like a whole other dish there. Maybe some bacon or something. Maybe some bacon or like some prosciutto type, like crispy, like cancetta type thing. Like something like just, uh, I mean, it would, it would have been even. Right.

That'd be nice. I wasn't, I wasn't, cause I liked them a lot. And now that you say that I'm like, yes, that would have, that, that would have pushed them over the top for me. I think. Yeah. Because honestly for me, macaroni and cheese is often disappointing. Like I said earlier, like it's can be bland, but the marinara sauce gave it a complement

of the cheese. Yeah. It could have used some bacon though. It could, they, they, they should try some bacon out. I like it as is, but I do think for, I like that. I like that. You didn't want the bacon. I do think for something with such a, with a tomesized menu and with so many different

options that they should include the, the option to add on bacon. Cause why not? Yeah. Why not? This is the thing that confuses. Or maybe some Cajun sausage or something. Yeah. Sure.

No bacon, but how about some Cajun sausage? Hey, you know what? That's perfectly fine to mix in with some mac and cheese. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. God damn it.

The thing with Cheesecake Factory, and this is weird to me, is the portion size and the size of the menu are something out of a failed restaurant. Yes. Yes. Like that. It seems like an early nineties restaurant that wouldn't exist anymore. Like the portions are fucking huge. Right.

They're gigantic. And, and, and I ate way, way too much food tonight and I still had leftovers, which I'm going to bring back. This is the first time ever I thought about my cats. I'm going to bring it, I'm going to bring it back for Wally and Irma. You're going to feed your cats with Cheesecake Factory? I'm going to give them some leftover chicken. That's my plan.

Yeah. That's fantastic. Jesus, get ready to call animal control. What? You're listening right now. Mitch lives at www.catland. Yeah, right. I wouldn't give his address out.

Sorry suckers. You're my boy. I will give it out later though for the money thing that we were talking about. The, the, what's wrong with, with giving a cat leftover chicken? I actually don't know. I don't, I don't have a cat. Yeah. You fucking asshole.

You can really digest the hell out of pretty much anything. Yeah. I mean, we'll give them diarrhea though, if you don't give them something. They'll, they'll probably have like bigger cat shits than they normally have, but you know what? I'm not going to get into cat, don't make a gross face. You were, you were the one who brought up the issue with this. I will.

I mean, I don't know. Well, I will say, I don't want to go too far off topic, but there's this video on Facebook of this guy feeding deer, like Pringles and stuff. Oh wow. And he's like, yo, what's up? This is my deer. This is my homie. He's like, what's up?

Everybody eats out here. Come on. Come on, what's up man? I saw that. And then I read online that it's like, that can kill those deers. Wow. Yeah. Oh jeez.

But those are like very processed foods and they're deers. Yeah. They're deer, they're deer. Actually, they're, that's the plural of deer is deer, right? Yeah, deer or deer. Sounds right. Yeah, they're, no, they're. I've been saying deers.

No, it's just deer, no S. Yeah. Yeah. I think deers is fine. Language is mutable. Deer. Oh, you're wrong on this one. I guess I'm a little Shakespeare.

Yeah. Deer, beer is plural, beers. Deer, no S, beers in S. Yeah, that's a whole lot of horse crap. Anyways, I love my cats. I would never hurt them. Right. I wake up every morning, I kiss them on the head.

I love them very much. I'm sure they're fine. That doesn't scare the hell out of them. This giant grabs us in his humongous paws. I think about it sometimes when I kiss my dog in the head. He's just like, looking up at me, wondering what are you doing? Wally, so I do this thing now where I get out of the shower. People now are that.

You get out of the shower now? Did you used to not get in or did you just game changer? I do this thing, I was more gross other people had to think about me lumbering to the, whatever. So I get out of the shower and Wally gets all excited because I'm drying myself off and he loves to, and you're kissing him on the head and he's coming out. He loves to, like I'll sit on my bed in my towel and he loves to come up and sit on the damp towel and then he'll roll around on the damp towel. That's adorable.

That is adorable. And I kiss him on the head and then I say, it's time for work babies and I send them on their way and I head off. You send them to work? I have put out a laptop and I have them write up scripts for me, they're more productive than I am. Anyways, now why are you ruined it and they won't be getting any chicken tonight because you put the fear into me that I'm gonna die.

Don't be afraid, I don't know enough about what cats eat and I just think of Cheesecake Factory food is very heavy and very heavily seasoned and I just don't, it seems like there's a lot of elements that could be problematic, but also, maybe take the breading off and just give them the chicken meat. The news too, they started to, they started to fuck. I got it. Wait, what? Wait, what?

The cats are starting to have sex with each other. They're brother and sister for the same litter. They're brother and sister, yeah, they're brother and sister. And they're having sex? Jesus Christ. Wally's humping Irma, so I gotta get him fixed really quick. You gotta get him fixed real quick. You probably already have babies in that.

Oh Jesus Christ, that could be the case. Yeah, they're, Wiger just handed me a note that said, can I come over and wash? Oh yeah, I know, they're starting to go at it a little bit. Well look, if they have any offspring, they'll go into a home where their owner too will have a genetic defect. Are you trying to say that I am the product of incest this way or? No, I'm not saying that. Okay.

All right, so let's get into our mains a little bit. So I got the chicken enchiladas, which are kind of a safer, I wouldn't say safer, but just like a conventional sort of choice. And they have such a sprawling menu. The point you were making earlier, Mitch, I thought was good, which is that they do have, have you ever watched any one of those shows where like a mean chef comes and takes over a restaurant? Oh my God, Gordon Ramsay is the scariest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a Gordon Ramsay type or like a Robert Irving, they come in and the first thing they do is they simplify the menu. They've only got two menu items and it doesn't make sense that Cheesecake Factory works with as many options as it has, but it does. They do everything pretty well. For Gordon Ramsay, this is his kitchen nightmare because it's working perfectly, baby. Right.

Contrary to... Sorry, Ramsay. Go back to MasterChef Jr. You little kid, he doesn't know how to do it right. It's kind of the exception that proves the rule, I guess. It's like, because there are so few of these restaurants that have big menus and they're able to do everything right and they are. But yeah, the chicken enchiladas are... I hadn't had them before.

They were pretty good. They had nicely seasoned sort of cilantro rice, which I really liked, and sort of like a Tomatillo character to it, some good black beans. What are you snickering about? What are you snickering about over there, mister? I was thinking about Ramsay going back to MasterChef Jr. in disgrace. And the kids are all pissed at him. You idiot.

Just hanging his head, slinking back to advise these children. It is nice, though, that how he is able to exist between those two worlds, like the situation, the hotel nightmares, the kitchen nightmares where he's like the mean, just like yelling at you. Does Gordon Ramsay have a nice dream night? Does he ever have a non-nightmare night? Oh, that's interesting. Oh, that's interesting.

He's a sweetie pee. That's the thing, yeah. He's adorable with those kids. He's like very nice to the kids. He's like very inspiring. He's a totally different side of them. Those kids on cooking shows, they always are too much like, I'd love to cook. They're like very much like an actor-y, I'm like, oh man, it seems like these kids are

like, they're forced to do this. One of the kids that I worked with on like AT&T commercials years ago, like I saw on their Facebook profile, sorry, that sounds weird. I wonder how those kids are doing. It was this thing I did before, it was this thing, a web series called Fresh Perspectives, and there was this young kid I worked with, his name was Nathan, and he was on the show where we talked about politics, and it was like kids say the darnest things, and whatever. His Facebook feed was like his parents introducing, like he's cooking now, and then like a year

later he was on MasterChef Junior, and it was just like, and then he was done with cooking. It's interesting. Yeah. Like making it a thing, like this is one of his interests. It's like the pageant mom's thing, like that shined a light for me on a subculture that didn't know existed. Like I didn't know there were little kids just becoming gourmet chefs. I didn't know about this before, I mean was it manufactured because of MasterChef, or

our parents, showbiz parents are probably like, your example are probably forcing their kids into it. Like you like this, right? This is fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very strange. Some of them must have existed, but kids are gross. They pick their nose and shit.

I don't want to be all made by a little kid, this is disgusting anyways. I was so, I remember I was so unsanitary as a kid. You don't want boogers. You don't want boogers to cream, is what you're telling me? Yeah, that'd be bad. I was so unsanitary as a kid that I used to, I used to not like, because I loved eating just blocks of cheese, I would just get like a block of cheddar cheese and just eat it. Yeah, you must have been the cool kid in elementary school.

But I didn't like eating white cheeses because they got dirty. And in my kid, I didn't realize until later what was happening is that my dirty kid hands were just getting like black smudges all over like a block of Monterey Jack cheese. What the fuck was a black smudge? I was just like, I'd just go outside and be like shooting hoops in the backyard and then come straight in without washing my hands and start eating a block of cheese. Oh god. Yeah.

Little Nick Wager, hoops and cheese, baby. But I like wasn't- That's a good nickname, hoops and cheese. That is a good nickname. Mom, oh man, I just played basketball for 45 minutes. I'm exhausted and then you ate a big block of cheese. Right. You didn't have Gatorade or something?

No, I didn't have Gatorade in the house. You ate a block of cheese? I wouldn't eat a whole block of cheese, but yeah, I'd eat chunks off of it. Well, you'd melt it and drink it. Look, by the point I was making- Hey, you was drinking a beverage. There's a lot of energy in milk. There's a lot of energy in cheese, like you're getting a lot of protein, a lot of calcium,

a lot of essential nutrients. Come on, cheese is just like frozen milk, right? Look, the point I was making is that- Chugging milk after playing basketball is weird. Yeah, that is weird. And then now eating cheese is weirder than chugging. I feel like- I'd also have some like Hawaiian punch or something with it.

Oh god. Here's the point I was trying to make, is that I was agreeing with you that kids are gross and don't understand basic hygiene. It must be a thing that parents and I guess Gordon Ramsay are teaching them in that sort of context, but like even then I didn't put two and two together and say like, oh my hands are dirty, that's why this cheese is getting dirty, because it was just too dumb. I actually saw you pick up your meal tonight and there was some plaque smudges. You still have that issue, it looks like.

So the chicken enchiladas, they were pretty good. I'd say like a very good black beans, the chicken enchiladas themselves, I'm a big enchilada fan. I'd say that's one of my favorite Mexican dishes. And a very nice sort of red mole on them. The chicken was, I mean it was just a very solid chicken enchilada. There was nothing outstanding, it wasn't mind blowing, but it was very solid. What are you doing?

What are you doing? What is this? I was just doing what he was doing. What are you doing? We've thrown him way off because he's not allowed to talk about the food that you can't. We're not giving you that little check mark in your brain that you want right now. No, I just- What you talk about food on this food podcast?

Yeah, we have- We're not going to let you talk about it because we're going to make little noises out of here. We're going to derail the hell out of you, buddy. That's right. That's right. You were very happy with your meal. I thought it was very satisfying. Look, I've had better things at the Cheesecake Factory in mind in many visits, but this was

like very solid and if you're craving, one of the reasons I think this place is great is that whatever you're craving, they have it and they'll execute it to a degree of at least success. It will be at least good. Sometimes it will be outstanding. This is a little hillstone-y kind of for you. It's a level down of hillstone or something. Yeah, I'd say it's not quite at the level of hillstone, but it's also not quite at the

price point and exclusivity of hillstone, so you have to take that into account. Give some random- Oh, sorry. No, no, no, you. Me or it should you. No, you should. Okay. Yeah, I'm the guess.

Hillstone won't fulfill your sort of food dreams of like, oh, I want macaroni fried in balls and buffalo cheese blasts or whatever. It's more like the French dip, which is really good or the burger is really good. They have that steak and noodle Asian salad that's amazing. High noodle salad. Yeah, yeah. No, you're 100% right. This is a little bit more, you can go wild.

It's kind of like fantasy foods. Fantasy foods. You don't find them everywhere. Yes. Which is why I ordered, oh, sorry, can I go into my menu? Yeah, of course. I forgot what I got. I forgot the name of it.

I'm sure I could pull it up online, but it was. Wait, it was a Louisiana chicken pasta? Was that it? Yes, Louisiana chicken pasta. And it looks good. It looks very good. I knew I could rely on you. It was like depending on you fully.

It was good. It was like a sort of a spicy, not too spicy, like a cream pasta with spice, I wouldn't say spicy. With fried chicken on it. Which is like, you can't find that many places. Which is one of the, and she are waitress, what was it, shy? I think shy. Yeah.

Shy? She recommended me in that direction. What did she push you away from? What were the two that you said? The Bang Bang Chicken and Shrimp and then the peanut cashew, the cashew chicken, I think, which are both Asian dishes, which I'm glad she steered me away from because I'm not, that's not what I would identify with the Cheesecake Factory. The pasta dish I got to me is like straight up cheesecake.

It's just like fun, like pasta and fried chicken. That's like, that's indulgent, decadent, like fun. And that's like what the kid me would want, like a creamy pasta. I will say real quick, real quick, on their Asian front, they do have a few Asian inspired dishes that are quite good there. The orange chicken is good, kind of famously good, and then they have a miso salmon on their entrees, which is quite good as well. So if you're kind of looking for those Asian, Pan Asian flavors, not super authentic Asian,

they do achieve it there. Yeah. And I was really tempted to go with that because I'm totally down for like an American orange chicken. Right. Yeah. But I'm not trying to go with them. When I think of this place, I think of American food, like a plate of chicken and pasta, or

a plate of beef and mashed potatoes, or corn. Yeah, like a shepherd's pie they have, or like the chicken and biscuits, or whatever. So yeah, it was good. The chicken was great. I don't know, it wasn't like overly fried, and the chicken itself had like, I don't know, great consistency, great flavors. The pasta I was surprised was, once again for a cheesy dish, a little lacking in flavor. Yeah.

That's fair. It was okay. I actually was surprised. I salted it. Oh, wow. I am a salty boy. Yeah. You said that to us.

I like to salt my food toys. I just decided to run. I am a salty boy. I like to salt my food toys. That's not very good. That's not a good rhyme. We didn't rhyme. Can we take that?

No, I don't want to take that. Do you want us to leave it? No, I want it in there. I'm like proud of my mistakes, because it leads to my successes. But I also want to say that when we first saw you, when I walked up to you, you didn't even say hello. You said, I am a salty boy. I like to salt my food toys.

And I said, okay. Good to see you, Beck. My hope, Beck, is that you become like a U.S. senator, and then like later on, when you die, that there's like a marble statue of you in the rotunda, and then engraved it in space. It says, I am a salty boy. I salt my food toys. Food toys.

Food toys. Yeah. Food toys. So I was surprised, because I thought that like Cheesecake Factory would be a salty place. Right. You know, salty, cheesy. Well, I don't think their food is under season, but it sounds like that particular dish was a little under season.

You don't see slugs walking through the door. I'll say that much. Except for you. You call me a slug? What the fuck? Yeah. Sorry. That was low luck.

Tell us about your dishes. I was trying to, you asshole. I had the Chicken Madeira, which is one of the most popular Cheesecake Factory dishes that there is. That's what they say on the menu. It says it right there on the menu, and why would it lie to you? And it was very good, and you guys had a bite of it. So it's just basically like a chicken breast.

It's actually two chicken breasts. It's huge. Yeah. It's kind of a red wine-ish reduction, and asparagus, and it's got what type of cheese would you say was on there? It's like a... I didn't get a good look at it. I don't know.

You referred to the photograph. It was provolone or something like that. Or maybe it is mozzarella cheese. Mozzarella sounds right. Yeah. It's really, and there's mushrooms as well. And Beck and I talked, and actually, we all bonded on this, three not big mushroom boys. Yeah.

I'm a salty boy. You're a salty boy, not a mushroom boy. I don't eat mushrooms or hard-boiled eggs. I would say I... Texture. You're not a texture boy. Exactly. I would say I enjoy mushrooms, but I'm not like a mushroom super fan.

I'm kind of neutral on mushrooms. I got the mushrooms taken out of my dish. You did, yes. I was surprised they were able to do that. I always thought they were going to say it's in the sauce. That's what they'll do. But they'll do that at Cheesecake Factory. I will say one of the most jarring food incidents I had was, well, one was mushroom related,

which was just me getting food poisoning from a Portobello mushroom sandwich. That's something super exciting. But this was one where I ordered a side of cottage cheese at this local restaurant in Los Feliz in Los Angeles, House of Pies. And I had this side of cottage cheese, and I was like a third of the way done with it. And I took a bite, and I had some weird taste in my mouth. I pulled it out, and there was just like a hidden mushroom in my portion. Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Like a raw mushroom. Oh, that's fucking disgusting. It's so jarring to get a mushroom that you weren't expecting, especially an uncooked one. Gross. And in other words, like a neutral tasting dish. Yeah.

In your crunch. Yeah. It was really fucked up, actually. Yeah. I don't know how it happened. Did you talk to the waiter? No, I didn't. I pulled a Mitch.

I didn't say anything. Coward. Keep going. Yeah, there were mushrooms on that, too, and it was good. It's a really decent dish. A side of mashed potatoes. I love the mashed potatoes at Cheesecake Factory. Big thumbs up.

I love the bread. Right. And it may have been the only person who had a piece of the bread. The Cheesecake Factory is surprisingly good. Very solid. They give you a lot of it. Yeah, they give you a lot of it, and we kind of stayed away. You get some sourdough and some oat bread, and go on.

They put it down at the same time as they put the appetizers on it, which are like huge appetizers, both fried, and I was just like, I saw the bread put down, I was like, how would I do that? It's insane, because they give you like a baguette's worth. Mitch had some of the bread. I had some of the bread as I was eating like a fry, eating the two heaviest things that we ate in the entire meal. It's good bread, but it's like, with that, plus the apps, it's like a week's worth of

carbohydrates. It's like so much food. But you know, that's part of their gimmick, is they give you an abundance. And then our dessert, we rounded out with a Snickers Cheesecake. Now they have like 30 plus different cheesecake varietals there, and we were, I think, craving something a little chocolatey, so we went down the Snickers out. Yeah, she suggested like a raspberry and something else. A raspberry and red velvet cake, and you know, again...

Red velvet, it's like, I haven't... Sounded good, but I think we wanted to understand a little different. They do a really good cheesecake there. My personal favorite is the vanilla bean. It's just so simple, and sometimes people like want to go for the more exotic ones, but the simple ones, they execute really well. Even after tonight's Snickers Cheesecake? Delicious indulgence, but that vanilla bean is just really good.

You get a lot of that cheesecake flavor and just a little hint of vanilla. You always fight for vanilla flavors. I love vanilla. Vanilla is a flavor. It's not nothing. It's not neutral. It's a flavor, and it's a very good one. But that Snickers Cheesecake that was quite good, and you know, if you are craving specifically

Snickers bars, it delivers on that front page. Here's what I'm going to say. Snickers does the best other foods, if that makes sense. Ooh, I agree. Yeah, they're ice cream bars. Ice cream bar is great. And then you got this thing. Right.

I guess a lot of it is just off-shoots of, there's, oh, I've had like a Snickers pie before. It translates really well. It does, yeah. I've had a lot of different Snickers Snickers ice cream bars. Snickers ice cream bars are great. You've got the peanuts. You've got the caramel.

You've got the nougat. You've got the chocolate. It just comes to get all the textures. You can translate. I agree. It's great, you know? It's a classic, and not over the top. It's really great.

Nougat is kind of cheesecake-y, you know, and it's like, it's a little chewy, and the textures I thought were just like, it was. It worked really well for, it worked really, really well for cheesecake. I loved it, and when it came to the table for a second, I fell back and said, this is not going to be good. You did. You looked at it. You're like, that doesn't look good.

Which it did. It looked really good. I just thought that it was going to be too much, but Snickers always comes through for whatever reason. Yeah. It's my favorite candy bar. It's my favorite commercial, like mainstream candy bar, I think. It's my favorite candy bar.

I don't know, are there like alternative candy bars, non-mainstream candy bars? There's like the artisan ones, like something by Mast Brothers Chocolatiers or something like that. Yeah, fuck those. Yeah, those are like $12. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I agree. For regular-

Those are good for gifts. You know, it's like, I got you a nice chocolate. It's like, they're not like the experience of eating them. It's also never as good as the real, like I'd rather just give me, have a fucking Twix. I think we've talked about this on the show, but I always marvel at how a Snickers ice cream bar keeps the caramel somehow seeming warm or something. Right. I don't know what they do.

It's not frozen, it's not chewy. It's pretty impressive. Exactly, it's good. How the fuck do they do it? It's impressive food engineering. Yeah. Yeah, as far as conventional candies go, you know what? If you're out there, if you have a favorite mainstream candy, let us know.

Use the hashtag. Oh, God. Candyland. Yeah. That's it? I don't know. Do you have something better? Have you got a better pitch?

I don't know. If you can beat it, go for it. I actually can't, but if you have a favorite mainstream candy. Hashtag candyland. You know what? Fine, fuck it. That's fine. Mainstream sugar beam.

Oh, mainstream sugar beam. Yeah, that's a good one. It's like candy bars are kind of like little beams, little sugar beams. I can't even think of another candy, but see, the other thing I think of that does stuff like Snickers is Oreo, and that's not a, I mean, that's a cookie. Yeah. Or you'll see Reese's Pieces, M&Ms. Yeah.

Butterfinger. You'll see a Butterfinger cake or something. Basically, anything that you might see in a Dairy Queen Blizzard, Heath bars come up a lot. I think Snickers wins out for me. I think Snickers is definitely the best. Yeah. All right.

Let's get to our final thoughts on Cheesecake Factory. So Beck, this is how this will work. Yeah. We'll all go around. We'll sort of give our closing argument, if you will. And then at the end, let us know your score on the order of one to five forks. We'll start with you. Okay.

Wow. All right. Okay. Here we go. Okay. It's my turn. I gotta talk. Okay.

Oh, shit. He's pacing. He's leaving. Well, let's see. We didn't really talk about the decor. I was hoping it'd be a little bit warmer. It was kind of dark. It is dark.

Cheesecake factories are dark. I referenced, like, there was, like, a lot of, like, eyes from, like, the Lord of the Rings. Yeah. With the eye at the top of the tower. That was, like, a design theme. That's so weird. You said that.

I was thinking the same thing, but I chose not to say it. No, I was, like, all these eyes were just staring at me. It was, like, but you said it was kind of, like, vegas-y, kind of hip, cool. I thought it was gonna be a little bit, like, warmer, all-American vibe, which is fine. The apps were incredible, and they fulfilled my dreams. The service was great. Shai was awesome. When we ordered our apps, she went, ooh, I'm excited.

And she was, like, legitimately pumped for us. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't seem like bullshit. She was being real. Yeah. And then everything came really quickly. Everything showed up as advertised. My main course was great.

She recommended it, and that's kind of exactly what I wanted while the pasta was a little bland. It fulfilled those, like, that food desire that I kind of went to. Actually, every part of the meal did. Besides dessert, everything was fried in every part of the meal. Right. The cheesecake was incredible. Like, it really fulfilled my cheesecake hopes and dreams.

And I don't know when I'm gonna have a meal like that again, because as we said, the other restaurants that are similar do not offer, it's just a unique experience. Right. So I was gonna go for forks, but I'm gonna give five. Five forks. Wow. Very good score. Oh, that's a great score.

And I don't know how rare Five Forks is, but it's not, yeah. I would say that if we go to a lot of great places that get Five Forks, I'm gonna give Five Forks. But I will say probably it's one of the rare scores. Yeah. It's one of the rare scores. Probably one fork is rare at the end of having a very, very negative experience, but that's happened a few times.

Yeah. All right. Your thoughts, Mitch? I get to agree with, back on a lot of this, I have been, you know, I would say I would deduct points because this is where we started our podcast. What we look at with this, Cheesecake Factory shouldn't work, like we said. Right. The menu is huge.

The portions are huge. It has a bunch of different fucking foods, like we were saying. It's confusing. It's like, I don't know where to start. Yeah. And there's literally, what, three pages of appetizers and shit? It's crazy. Yeah.

But it works for whatever reason. I feel like, I feel like the reason it works is because it's run well, one, even with a lot of people, and two, the food has to be good for a place like that to work. And you're right. It is that sort of, Nick, that it is that sort of, and actually, I think it was, Beck, Nick, I don't think you said this, so forget that I said Nick. It is that sort of place where you can get these fantasy foods you can get. You get a strawberry lemonade and the rim has sugar around it.

It's indulgent, but it's really great. And the cheesecake is top notch. Service was great. I want to go five forks, but I'm going to go four and a half forks. Wow. That makes sense. That does make sense. It's great, but it's not the best to me.

Right. I have some issues with it. My cheese is a little burnt tonight on there. You can get some dishes that aren't that great. You can have a bad experience at Cheesecake Factory if you order the wrong thing. They do a lot of things well, though, and it is. It's kind of like a mini hillstone, and now it's tied with hillstone in my book, so. Yeah.

I was being generous with my five, but I still believe in it. I believe in my five, and I stand by my five. Here are my thoughts on the Cheesecake Factory. I think it's a great restaurant. I think there's a, there's this thought that goes, there's this thought that I've seen a few places about high-concept films, which is whether or not a high-concept film is going to succeed is does it deliver on the promise of the premise, and by that it's- Give us an example.

Like Face Off. Face Off the Premises, The Bad Guy and the Good Guy, Switch Faces, and that movie is exciting and successful and satisfying because it delivers on that premise, whereas Tomorrowland promised this sort of retrofuturistic world, but that world is basically absent from the entirety of the film, so it doesn't deliver on the promise of the premise. So the Cheesecake Factory. Your two movies that you chose were Face Off and Tomorrowland. I think that's fair.

We've got one action, modern action classic, and then one recent box office flop, and I think you can trace both the same root cause of, it's got this high concept, but one paid it off and the other one didn't deliver, but Cheesecake Factory I think absolutely delivers on the promise of its premise, which is that it's a restaurant where you can get a lot of different American style foods and you can get great cheesecake. I mean it's right there in the name, the Cheesecake Factory, and it's got fucking great cheesecake. It's a working factory. It's a working factory, a bunch of union guys are there, putting in shifts with hard hats

on. They're shuffling past you the entire time, it's part of the immersive experience, kind of like a blue collar medieval time, it's a lot of fun. But like the food is really good, the service is great, it's sort of like this nice every man's high class experience, and it's accessible, but also it's delicious. And for that reason, I think it absolutely deserves five forks. Wow. Wow.

Mitch, I'm disappointed. Holy crap. I'm disappointed you went four and a half forks because I think the Cheesecake Factory is like such an icon of chain restaurants that it absolutely belongs to the Platinum Plate Club. For now, it'll have to be in the Gold Plate Club, which is still very, very esteemed, and it's also in the Ballpark Buds Club because we all had very similar scores. You know what, Wiger?

You suck, Mitch. No, no, no. You suck. Hold on. Fuck you, Wiger. I'm giving it five forks now, too. Oh, wow. You've been there.

All right. All right. It's up to me. Changing your score to what mine is. Fuck you. I'm gonna do what you did. All right. So five forks.

So it is in the Platinum Plate Club. Wow. Wow. Congratulations, Cheesecake Factory. Now you don't look so silly. That five was spot on. Yeah, man. Spot on.

I love the way. It's a great, great restaurant. It's a great restaurant. I also, this is a little detail, that when Mitch and I were walking out, he thought one of the waiters said hi to him, like, as he was leaving and said, bye, thanks. She did say, like, bye, have a good night, and he's like, did she say hi to me? They're really like the idea of when you're leaving a restaurant, like one of the staff being like, hi.

Yeah, just greeting you. Very disorienting. Yeah, very disorienting. You know what? I'm gonna say, Don't Olympics threw me off my game a little bit. It was a disaster. Oh, wow. And Beck, I don't know if you've listened to it, if you haven't, don't.

I'm aware of the Don't Olympics, but I haven't listened to them. Please don't listen to them. Don't waste your time. You're right. I made a mistake here a second ago. In my head, I was thinking like, but it's not as good as I was thinking of Hillstone, because I talked about it at the beginning of the episode, but the success of Cheesecake Factory has nothing to do with Hillstone, like we've said before, because-

They're different levels. I give Wendy's five forks, and it's doing what it's doing in the right way, and so is Cheesecake Factory. Absolutely. It really is. So I apologize for my slip up. It's been a while, and now we're back on track. You have nothing to apologize for.

You made things right. You guys banter for one second. That was our discussion of Cheesecake Factory. I'm going to go get a beverage from the fridge for our next segment. We're back. Oh. Beck, it's time to banter, baby. We want to banter with me about Cheesecake Factory or-

Cheesecake Factory. I think we covered, or do you want to talk about, like, salt or- Yeah. You are a salty boy. I'm a salty boy. What are some of your favorite- I actually did make the joke for the first time in my life at dinner tonight of salting the cheesecake, because we were sharing the cheesecake.

That is, yes. And, you know, because it's usually, like, with chips, with, like, tortilla chips. Like, oh, you mind if I salt? Yeah. We're like, yeah, cool. And then you said, mind if I salt the- Oh. Yeah, we got a special-

Wow. Drank or steak tonight. That was a genuine reaction. And, Beck, you got a big laugh out of us with that salt joke, I will say, too. That was a good- That was a very, very good restaurant bit. Okay, so we've got a beverage. We're going to decide if it's worth pouring down your throat.

It's a regular segment. Drank or steak. Now, Mitch- This is exciting. I- Hey, I saved the day for once. I was going to say, like, a lot of times I think of you as a lazy mailman you rarely deliver, but, but tonight you came through, you came through very well because we needed

a drink, you went to 7-Eleven, and you got a great choice, something very topical, something very much in the zeitgeist, Crystal Pepsi, which is returned to store shelves. I didn't know that. Yeah. It's a limited run. What is the reason it's backed? You know? No.

Actually, I have no idea, because, because, because, what's it called, Ecto Cooler came back. Right. I was going to say Ghostbusters movie. And then I was going to say Ghostbusters is a joke. Maybe. Like, Ghostbusters is back, but no, you may be right. Maybe it's just the 90s great, the kind of brought it back anyways, but famously spoofed

on Saturday Night Live. Now it's coming, with Crystal Gravy, right? Yeah, yeah. Years ago. Years ago. A great, actually one of the, a very, very funny commercial parody, but now it's got its little payback with you, Beck. Crystal Gravy?

Yeah, Crystal Pepsi. Wait, you have Crystal Gravy? Wait, are you holding Beck accountable for a Saturday Night Live sketch from 1982? Payback, I'm getting payback for the Crystal Gravy sketch. That's right. Crystal Pepsi's getting payback on me. Yeah, from... Because I have to drink it?

Yeah, that's right. Listen. It was loose, but it made some sense. Oh my God, the Crystal Pepsi guys are here. I, you know, Crystal Pepsi, because it takes me back to a camping trip I went on with my parents that was around when it came out in the 90s. I think it was the 90s, right? Whatever year it was.

Yeah, maybe 1990 or somewhere around there. This is probably the 20th or 25th anniversary of it. That's probably why it's out. Oh, okay. That makes sense. But I remember I was on a camping trip and all I remember of it, we went whitewater rafting, I lost my retainer, and at one point I got Crystal Pepsi from a liquor store. That's the fucking nerdiest.

I never had Crystal Pepsi. Well, let's dig in. Cheers. Cheers. I shouldn't have said dig in. That's not what you do with a beverage. Let's have a sip. It's ginger ale.

Yeah, you know what? That's what I remember about it is because the way it was marketed, it was like, oh, it's going to be Pepsi, but clear. It's like the, it just doesn't have the caramel color. It has the appearance of a lemon lime soda, but the flavor of a dark cola, but that's not what it is. It's a different beverage. Yeah, but it says clear cola right on the label.

The weird thing is there are no bubbles. Right, yes. It looks like water. But you know what? So it looks wrong. It's a lighter carbonation. It looks very weird. I would say that Pepsi in general to me isn't that bubbly.

That's one of my issues with Pepsi. It's kind of like a flatterer. Right? Wouldn't you say Coke is way more bubbly than Pepsi? I guess I haven't thought about the relative carbonation levels in a while. Because it tastes carbonated, but the bubble action. Are you a bubble guy or are you like things more flat? Oh yeah.

Give me those bubbles. Oh, God. I'm a bubble boy. You're a bubble boy? It drives me crazy when I go to a bar and you get a mixed drink or just a regular Coke and it's flat. Yeah. I was at, and it was like Marmont, I don't even know if that's how you say it, the first

time I've ever been there. Really, I think a douchey place, I didn't like it. And bartender was like, oh, this vodka soda, it's just like water, and he was like, no, soda. And I was like, there's no carbonation, he was like, it's flat. And I was like, can I get another one? And he just gave me the same thing. Wow, that's crazy.

It's flat. It's flat. What a fucking asshole. Show me crazy. Anyway. So yeah, I'm a bubble boy, baby. You know it's like Bar-Mamant. I've never been there, but I'm with you guys.

The, I think the most frustrating flat beverage is, this is going to sound like a very waspy thing, but it's a, if you ever have like flat champagne, it's like very, very unsatisfying. That's a glory of beverage. I don't like flat champagne. He turns his nose at Bar-Mamant. It's not, it's new to me enough. If you're a big fan of Bubbles, hashtag bubble boy works, and then if you're, what's a good one for flat?

If you're not a fan of Bubbles, use another Jake Gyllenhaal movie, hashtag Prince of Georgia. Oh, Jesus. It works. But wait, you were, you were talking about the flavor of this, is it, is it, is it ginger ale? It's not Sprite. It's a little different from regular Pepsi.

It's not just Pepsi clear. It has, but it does have a kind of a Pepsi end taste or something. Right. Doesn't it? But it's citrusy, right? Or am I wrong? It's hard to even tell what it is, honestly. Here's what I think though.

It'd be nice if we had another Pepsi so we could try that. That would have been a good point. That would have been great. Hold on a second. A real Pepsi challenge. A real male man would have brought a Pepsi. You fucked this up, Mitch. This is insane.

This is so weird. I kind of think it's refreshing. It's refreshing, yeah. It is, but the marketing or like the, the packaging makes me feel uncomfortable. I get that. You know, I'm like, this is- I mean, it looks very much like it did in the 90s, I feel like. Cententially retro, yeah.

Yeah. I think, I think if the, I mean, it's crystal Pepsi, so it has to be clear. But like, even if there were like, like ridges or something, it'd be like a water bottle if there was just something more exciting happening with the bottle. They went a little too retro maybe. Yeah. They should bring back big slams. Remember Pepsi big slams?

What is that? I don't know. They were just like a leader of soda. Oh, I do. I actually do remember the brief leader craze. I actually drank on another camping trip with Boy Scouts. I got a leader of Dr. Pepper on a drive home with another scout and his dad. It was the three of us in the car.

I drank the entire leader of Dr. Pepper and I had to pee very bad, but I was too quiet to ask them to find a restaurant. So I held it for like- Did you go to the bathroom? I held it for like 90 minutes. One of your fond childhood memories, the time you had to pee on a road trip. I held it so long. I honestly don't, I don't remember anything else about that trip except that I got a

leader of Dr. Pepper and had to pee really bad. What are you going to do your one-man show Boy Scouts stories? Just that one story. And he's wearing the outfit that he used to wear as a child. I mean, I could also tell the story about the time a mentally challenged kid was put into a trash can and they used a pulley system to take him up to the top of the tree, some older scouts. Oh my God.

It was really fucked up. That's fucking awful. Yeah. And then all the kids just thought it was funny. Did they let you out ever or not? They let him out just for the podcast. Yeah. Usually he's in there.

Yeah. I'm going back in the tree right after this. That's fucking- Boy Scouts shouldn't be bullying people. Boy Scouts is whore. It's just Lord of the Flies. In fact, once on a Boy Scout trip, we were in a cabin and it was a training, it was like a Boy Scout training thing and they showed us Lord of the Flies, the movie, like

they just showed it to us without any context and we just watched it on VHS the entire movie. And of course, as kids, we didn't retain any of the morality from it of like, you know, if left to their own devices, man will go crazy and go to their worst impulses. Instead, what we ended up doing is after we finished Lord of the Flies, we chased the heavyset kid around chanting Piggy. So again, this is you and the story. It wasn't me. No, it was another kid.

And it was just like, I don't know, Boy Scouts is a horrible organization. You know what I mean? I can share a sad memory from Camp Burgess. Yeah, go for it. Yeah. There was like a morning, like you're at the flag every morning. Sorry, what is Camp Burgess? It was just a YMCA camp and I went like, you'd go for two weeks.

It was in Cape, I think it was in the Cape or something like that. Just another Mitch's local Boston things that he throws out out of the context. I went to Camp Fatima, so it was not a fat camp, you fucking asshole, but maybe I told this on the podcast that my mom had found out that the priests were touching kids. Oh, Jesus. And so she was like, my son's going here and they're like, we got rid of all the priests that are touching kids. But anyways, the next year I went to Camp Burgess and the cabins would line up and everyone

cabin would say something like, cabin whatever. And they'd be like, yeah, yeah, and then one cabin, they were like, cabin whatever. And they went, fat kid and they were referencing me. Oh my God. And it was a hard moment for me. Were you in that, was that your cabin? No, no, no, it was a different, it was the cabin next to us. I wasn't even that fat.

I'm much fatter now and it was, it really was a hurtful. Kids are awful. Kids are horrible. We were all, like we were awful. And it's like, you find nasty mean things funny. And it's just, and then there's also this mob mentality and you get on board with it and it takes a while to develop like, oh, this is not fine. This is our stance, but I think all children should be wiped out.

It would be fine if this was a final generation. Oh, Jesus. But no, I was kidding and now it's all bad. Kids do lack empathy, like you're saying, and it's also too, like the thing about Boy Scouts is that it's got this paramilitary framework, which is just not appropriate for kids who are, you know, prepubescent, adolescent. That's just not the age you want to be giving some kids power over other kids. It just creates a horrible situation.

Yeah, I'm going to create like a new thing for kids called just like the love scouts. It's all about love, you know? Yeah. That'd be good. That'd be a good attitude. All right, so Crystal Pepsi, you know what? Here's the thing. I think the novelty is fine.

I think this does deliver on the promise of its premise. For that reason, I'm going to give it a slight drank. Wow. I don't love it. It's not a thing I would get with regularity, but if you want Crystal Pepsi, I think this delivers on Crystal Pepsi. I don't know if we're going to get old drinks on this one though. Back your up.

It's a stank or a drink. Yeah. That's a good question. So, okay. That's a good question. For a second, I almost started debating it in my head, like just privately to myself and was going to spit out the answer as opposed to being on a podcast or anything like that. I like the, I'm down with the flavor, the, I mean, ginger ale is good, but do you like

it? It's okay if you don't like it. I'm going to go drink. Okay. All right. I'm going to go drink. I mean, the flavor for the drink, I'm going to go drink. I'm going to drink, but like the packaging weirs me out.

Yeah. But I do love, I do like the taste of it and it's cool. It's weird. I think the weird, the way it weirs me out is what I like about it too. Yeah. It's a little disorienting. Yeah. If our drinks can make us think and get us on our feet a little bit, maybe it's a good

thing. Anyway, I'm going to go with drink. I like a 90s throwback. It reminds me what led to that childhood obesity that made that camp make fun of me. So drink. Also the era of Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64. Oh yeah. They don't pile up on it.

Oh yeah. Great. Great times. Yeah. So we're in the hand holding club for this one again. Yeah. I'm on board. All right.

You can feel the love this episode. Yeah. I think you can. That was Drank or Stank. Just like a restaurant without your feedback. Let's open up the feedback. Today's email comes to us from Daniel Gower. Daniel writes, Dear Burger Boy and Spoon Man.

In college my lovely wife worked at a Jimmy John's restaurant in Indianapolis. Papa John Schnatter, the much-maligned recipient of Nick's Rage, came into the restaurant as somewhat of a publicity stunt. Papa John is friends with equally terrible big-game hunter and sandwich maker Jimmy John and came to shake hands and take pictures with the little people. He then proceeded to order what he told my wife was his favorite sandwich, a turkey club with tuna salad on it. Oh, what the fuck.

A truly disgusting creation that only years of being upstaged as an actor by Peyton Manning and his own commercials could breed. He then proceeded to give every employee and customer in the establishment a $10 gift card that was only available for online orders and would not cover the entire cost of a pizza at his restaurant. This isn't so much a question. Is it potentially fuel for, as it is, potential fuel for Wiger's White Hot Disgust for a shitty businessman, but I felt like it needed to be shared.

Thanks for the work you do. Thanks for the email, Daniel. Yeah, that is a little bit of insight that totally tracks what I know about Papa John, who is a monster. What is his actual name? John Schnotter. John Schnotter, right, right. Yeah, he named himself Papa John.

I think you should... Here's the thing. I think Nick is just getting a little off... I feel like you're turning this into some weird vendetta. Was that you? You sending that comment? This was my Tyler Dyrton-esque alter ego, Daniel Gower. No, this was in...

Gower is a street in Los Angeles. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. I was just like... That went by quickly for me. He came... Why did he come into the Jimmy John's? So, I probably sped through it a little bit.

It was a photo op sort of deal. It was a publicity stunt. So it was in Indianapolis, and Papa John is associated with Peyton Manning, who played for the Indianapolis Colts, and also he is apparently friends with Jimmy John of Jimmy John's sandwiches. Papa John. Papa John is friends with Jimmy John. Those Johns, they stick together.

So now you can tell that Peyton Manning is an asshole, right? Yeah. If he's friends with Papa John? Oh, he's clearly an asshole. Is he friends with him, though, or is he just like, yeah, I'll take your business? Papa John was on the field when the Broncos won. They have a friendship that extends out some of the work that's used. I wonder if that was in a contract.

It could be some sort of deal that they had or something. I bet it was. I bet Peyton Manning's people were like, well, if you were on the field of the Super Bowl, that'd be good for business. Right. Wouldn't it, Papa John? That's right. And your second born child.

Yeah, he's a creep. He makes me feel uncomfortable. Yeah, I think Papa John is a contemptible man. I mean, certainly like he maligned having to pay for health care for his employees. I want to set up, I want to try to get this to happen. I want you to box Papa John. Like a one half celebrity boxing match sort of thing? Yeah.

All right. I'd box Papa John. I would totally fight him. I'd be lost in humiliating fashion. That would just be fun to do. I would love for this to happen. Yeah, it would be bad for him. Yeah.

You probably knock his little, his stapled on face off. Someone try to make this happen. Yeah. Maybe we could make a charity thing out of it. I want you to fight Papa John. Also, I want to know if he ate that sandwich. Was that a real, did he actually, no, he was just fucking with people. No, I think he really, I think that's really the sandwich that he likes.

Tuna on Turkey? Tuna on Turkey Club, which is one fucked up sandwich. If you box him and you hit him right, maybe he'll puke up that sandwich. Like, because he eats that with such frequency or eat up that particular sandwich. Maybe even that particular one. Maybe he eats like Garfield, and he's just shoot right out of his mouth. There's a Papa John's commercial where he's like running on the field, like with a pizza, like a baseball field, I think.

I think it's a baseball field, but it's like, he's on like the big board or whatever, and he's like coming out, and he's like kind of smiling, and he's jogging, and like kind of like a robot. It really makes me uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah. You know, a lot of people like Ghostbusters was certainly divisive online, but I had, the only thing that I felt about the new Ghostbusters that upset me was the Papa John's commercial

award. Papa John got to be a Ghostbuster. Yeah. I was like, what is going on here? Don't let that guy strap on a proton pack. Mm-hmm. Yeah, with progressive, too. Yeah.

Yeah. Flow was a ghost. Yeah, Flow was a ghost. That was strange. Yeah, why was Flow a ghost? That means Flow has died at some point, which is weird. Flow had died and became a ghost. Don't try to track the progressive universe.

It's very complicated. Ooh. Why, why, why? It's too much for you, Mitch. You've tried before and you're not going to crack it. She's a ghost. Don't look into it. Dude.

She's also got a bunch of, like an extended family that all looks like her. Yeah. It's very strange. Uh, but you know what, if asked to write the progressive movie, you'd write it tomorrow. Oh, yeah, in a heartbeat. Oh, yeah, that would be good. That would be good stuff. I wouldn't write the Papa John movie, though.

Uh, I'd like to write his, uh... Obituary? Yeah. Wait, can you, I mean just, I feel like I know the answer to this, but if you were to write a Papa John movie that was fiction about him being like this awful person, is that like slander? Would you get, do you have to change the name? Yeah, I think you'd have to pull in Orson Welles with Citizen Kane and sort of make,

like you made a fictionalized William Randolph Hearst. Which actor would you make be Papa John? Be Papa John? Mm-hmm. We can cast Beck in this right now. He's Peyton Manning. Yeah. Oh, Beck is Peyton Manning?

Mm-hmm. I'll be Peyton Manning. I'll be Peyton Manning. I see, I'd like to see a Papa John-snotter biopic with Beck as a star, but I feel like he'd be too likeable. No, I'm saying he's Peyton Manning. Oh, you're Peyton Manning. Yeah, he's the most likeable guy around.

Alright, Beck's Peyton Manning, and then as Papa John, we'll get O.J. Simpson in white face. Oh, my God. O.J. himself? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So we have to wait, like, what, 15 or whatever years until O.J. gets out of prison?

Yeah, or you bust him out and just shoot it in a weekend. I think O.J. is too likeable to play Papa John. Yeah. If you have a question or comment about the World Chain Restaurant, check out our Facebook page, Doe Boys. Follow us on Twitter at Doe Boys Pod, and please subscribe and rate us on iTunes. Beck Bennett, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for having me.

Thank you for taking your maiden voyage to the Cheesecake Factory with us. Thank you for giving us the five forks it deserves. We're very, very happy about all this. I was so happy about everything tonight. I had so much fun. A wonderful night. It's great to talk about food like this. Crystal Pepsi.

This is great. A triumph. A triumph. This really was. It was, it was, it's a great change of pace after those Olympics. We're getting a fun farewell to our intern U-Songs. See you, U-Songs. Good luck at Cornell, U-Songs.

Goodbye, U-Songs. Thanks for everything. Good luck at Cornell. And... Beck, do you have anything you would like to plug? Yes, I do. I have a new Instagram account. It's called Songs by Beck.

And it's where I sing original songs. They're short songs. There are three up there now. And I'll be putting more pretty much every week. They're original songs. And I'll be developing them and producing music for them and maybe doing like little, little dances or music videos for them. I couldn't tell if you were joking because you were smiling.

I know. That's the thing. It's not, they're actually my songs, but they're, they're not joking songs. And I really, I don't, I don't know if it's serious or not. And I think a lot of people watching them are like, well, they're jokes, but maybe they're not. Check out Songs by Beck. I think they're very catchy, entertaining songs.

And I do legitimately have, I see a bright, I think people will be singing these songs. They're catchy. I think they will. Because they're not like, they're not stupid, they're like little poppy songs. Are you thinking of making a salty boy one? Well that might be too jokie, but I could do like a salty boy inspired one about somebody who's like, kind of like, you know, salty like a tough sort of mean person, but they're, but yeah.

I'm very interested in checking these out. Follow, follow, so you get the new songs of Songs by Beck. Songs by Beck. Yeah. That's what I want to plug. I like this plug. It's like, there's a little bit of mystery behind it. Yeah.

That's great. I think that I think you're going to drive some eyeballs. Well, if we had any listeners. If we had any listeners. I'll drive some ear holes. You song, you song will follow your account, right? You song, you're going to do that. I'm telling everybody at Cornell, make it big.

He's shrugging again. They'll do it for this episode of Doe Boys. Until next time, for the Swing Around Mic Mitchell, I'm Nick Weigar. Happy eating. See ya. Feral audio.