Doughboys - Toront-dough: Tim Hortons with Stephanie Beatriz and Alana Johnston

Starting point is 00:00:00 This is a HeadGum Podcast. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklyn and delivered me a quilt sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklyn and has been tested and awarded by experts, including good housekeeping, GQ, wire cutter, and the host of We're Here to Help.

Starting point is 00:00:38 So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got extra pillow, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklyn order and save extra when you bundle. In 2008, the Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup. Oh, it happened. In the film, The Love Guru.

Starting point is 00:02:06 Written by and starring Toronto native Mike Myers in a Justin Trudeau-esque performance as Guru Pitca, the much anticipated follow-up to the Austin Powers franchise was a commercial and critical disaster. Given the decades-long futility of the Toronto Maple Leafs franchise, it's perhaps fitting that their only Stanley Cup championship since 1967 took place in a movie that nobody saw or liked. But despite the team's real-life struggles, it's a testament to the delusional power of fandom that the Leafs remain in the top five in attendance in the National Hockey League. And it's a testament to the team's imprint on the national psyche that the country's biggest fast food chain was founded by and named for a Hall of Fame Leafs defenseman. The business savvy enforcer opened his first donut and coffee shop in 1964 in Canada's Hamilton. No, not a hip-hop musical about

Starting point is 00:03:08 first prime minister Sir John MacDonald, but a city in southern Ontario. Within 10 years, the chain had 40 stores. By the 90s, that number was 500, and today it's over 5,000. Its sales alone account for over 20% of the nation's food service industry. I report you to side. Tragically addiction cut its namesakes life short at the age of 44. But his legacy still towers like the CN Tower. According to the company, quote, 80% of Canadians visited Tim's in Canada at least once a month, end quote. If you were born the year the Maple Leafs last appeared in the Stanley Cup finals, you celebrated your 57th birthday this year. Since then, teams from the US

Starting point is 00:04:11 state of Florida, where hockey ranks sixth in sports popularity after the NFL, college football, Major League Baseball, the NBA, and NASCAR have made the Stanley Cup finals eight times. It's possible, even probable, that many young Leafs fans will go from the cradle to the grave without their beloved team ever hoisting Lord Stanley's Cup. But, perhaps, the legendary Leaf defenseman's eponymous fried dough and roasted bean institution

Starting point is 00:04:44 may serve as a sugaryary caffeinated consolation prize. To quote a past Doughboys guest, Ontario's own Norm Sousa, quote, Nothing more Canadian than a donut shop named after a hockey player. This week on Doughboys, we begin Toronto Dough Canada, the Great Bike North, a month-long culinary tour of the six with Tim Hortons Wow. Wow. Thank you. Welcome the DoughScore for that joke. So I just want to get right into it because we have so much to cover. This is such a huge chain. This is the definitive Canadian fast food chain.

Starting point is 00:06:00 So let's get him out here. This week's roast is courtesy of Ian Yamamoto. No! Laughter Let me introduce my co-host, Bag of Milk... Laughter The Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. Cheers and applause

Starting point is 00:06:18 What's up, T-Town? Cheers and applause What's up, T-Town? Wow. More like, hello, T-Town, you stole my joke. Do they call it T-Town? No, but I'm gonna try to get it started. They already have T-dot, I've been informed.

Starting point is 00:06:44 Oh, okay. I don't really give a shit, but... Toronto, I've been in your city for two months and I still have no idea what the fuck your guy's deal is. It's a weird place, Swigz. My first day here, a guy came up to me and he said, you're a fucking terrorist and he followed me for three blocks. Wait, really?

Starting point is 00:07:06 Yes. And that's the best person I met in Toronto. Canadians aren't nice. They're aggressively passive aggressive. Interesting. You're all fucking dickheads. Trump's trying to get the wrong border wall set up. You should go north. Fucking lock you guys out of the US, you freaks. Why would they want to go there?

Starting point is 00:07:36 What's that? Why would they want to go there? It sucks down there. Yeah, it sucks down there. Yeah, yeah, no, no. It sucks down there way worse than here. Never in my life have I said, I wish I was in Buffalo, New York,

Starting point is 00:07:47 until I was in Toronto, Canada. This can't be true. You must be having a lovely time up here. I'm sure you're doing all right. No. Wow. Well, Mitch, I've had my own struggles, as you know. It's true.

Starting point is 00:08:05 I got up at 4 a.m. in Los Angeles this morning to board a 7 a.m. flight. And I had a long-standing obligation yesterday that I had already made a commitment to, so I had to fly out this morning. There's a freak-off, Mitch. I was gonna say, you get all this time off from Doughboys and then Diddy gets arrested. Your freak-offs are over. They're just not the same anymore. They're not the same without Diddy.

Starting point is 00:08:35 No, I had our good friend, my Get Played co-host Matt Apodaca got married yesterday. How about that? So that is an option. Congrats to Matt and his lovely wife. Mitch our good friend my get-play co-host Matt Appadocka got married yesterday. How about that? That is not sure Congrats to Matt and his lovely wife So I flew up and Look, I'm fucking tired and I don't love flying and you know travel in general makes me very anxious But but I'm honestly feeling pretty good landing in Toronto. Nothing gets delayed. I feel like I'm sitting pretty. I'm gonna have a great time.

Starting point is 00:09:08 My bag remains in LAX. So. That's what you get when you fill it up with baby oil. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I came straight from a freak off. What do you expect? Loose baby oil? It wasn't even in bottles? Yeah, so a little bit of an ordeal, but still, we're hanging in there.

Starting point is 00:09:36 And let me tell you this. Very cool to see in person the airport referred to by the code Y libertarian. Oh shit. Toronto is like New York if you put it in a juicer and juiced out any interesting things and then you were left with traffic and little Canada, that exhibit of small Canada. That's all it has. And why is there, why is there so much traffic? There's nothing to do here. Where's everyone going? Have you been to Little Canada? Fuck no. It looks so, it's little Toronto, isn't it? Where your hog will want to move in. Everything's to scale, okay.

Starting point is 00:10:56 They do, there is a thing, there's a machine where they like little Canada you down to size. Really? Yes, it's true, right? They downsize you? They downsize you. Wow. They shrink you down and then they put you in the exhibit. That's so fun. I'm probably, I'm gonna try to do some fun touristy things because we're up for a stretch because Mitch, we should

Starting point is 00:11:15 say, as you maybe have inferred from this graphic and I'm not sure how much went on on social media so far, but this is Torrent Doe, Doe Canada, the Great Bite North, the culinary tour of the six. We're going to be spending all month at Canadian chain restaurants. Starting things off with Tim Hortons live. We had no choice. Yeah. We haven't done anything.

Starting point is 00:11:39 If you listen to the podcast, we're pretty behind. I didn't listen, but Nali told me that our most recent episode, and this episode is coming out the first week in October, our most recent episode, you tell me about Hawk Tuah. I'm like, what's that? She's had a whole arc. We missed so much stuff. We really did. I think we I think this is this is a great this will be a nice way to, you know, figure out how to deal with the logistics of your schedule. And I think I like that we're making a meal out of it. I like that we're being able to hit some of these big Toronto totemic chain restaurants. I'm going to give a little bit of the lineup. So you know what else we going to be reviewing. This is fun breaking shoes here. So there's five Thursdays in the month of October.

Starting point is 00:12:33 Tim Horton's today. Next week, Harvey's. Then Swiss Chalet. Which pizza chain are we going to cover? Boston Pizza. I don't know why people wanted over Pizza Pizza. Pizza Pizza seems like a drama thing. I won't reveal the fifth. The fifth is a mystery chain, and I think it'll be a fun reveal when you discover what it is in real time. But those are some big ones. We've already done A&W Canada in the past. And the Poutine, Smokes Poutine-ery. So we've done some big ones already. Yeah, it's gonna be fun. Gonna be a hoot. What's up, Wags?

Starting point is 00:13:19 Mitch, I told you that I wanted to talk about Megalopolis before our guests come out. Did anyone see Megalopolis? Can I say my thing to you? Oh yeah, please. Salute ho to Nation Clear! Wow. Mitch, you may not... I made it French for you, you fucking asshole. You may not know that, but that's a nice amuse-bouche for what's about to come next. I made it French for you, you fucking asshole.

Starting point is 00:13:45 You may not know that, but that's a nice amuse-bouche for what's about to come next. We'll get there in a second. There's a character in Megalopolis, Aubrey Plaza's character. Aubrey Plaza's great in the movie. We both worked with her. A lovely person, very talented. Her character's name is Wow Platinum. Now Mitch, what is the word we say more than any other word on the podcast?

Starting point is 00:14:11 Come. Okay. Number two. Wow. Wow. Wow. And what is the highest honor a chain restaurant can achieve on the Doughboyz podcast. If it gets five forks from everyone? It's fucking... The Cum Play Club?

Starting point is 00:14:35 No, it's not the Cum Play Club. Platinum Play Club! The Platinum Play Club. Wow, Platinum. I think Francis Ford Coppola is Doughpill. He's a listener. He's a Doughboyz listener. He's a Doughboys listener. And you know what that makes sense because we're a Coppola goofballs. We are a Coppola goofballs.

Starting point is 00:14:59 No, I said it wrong too. We are a Coppola goofballs. Why is a lot of people came a lot of Doughboys listeners came from the states they came from all over. Wow wait wait who here is from Toronto or Ontario? Okay. Good number. Who came who came from another province? Insane. Because my understanding is every province is like a 20 plus hour drive. Every province is like the size of Texas. Who came from the states? Did anyone come from the US?

Starting point is 00:15:31 Wow. Wow. Man, all these Doughboys fans here, the ladies in Canada are going to be Canada dry. We should gather up all these fans and go to Niagara and see if it dries up. I'm saying our fans can't get women to come. I understand what you're saying. Or just arouse in the first place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't even arouse.

Starting point is 00:16:02 No, it's fine. It's fine. There's a lot of castmates from Twisted Metal Season 2 here. How about that? They're losing respect for me by the second. You didn't have to invite them. Yeah, that's a good point. I shouldn't have. And they don't have respect for me anyways. Mitch, you said a little bit of French a moment ago.

Starting point is 00:16:18 Yes. And as our audience knows, Canada has two national languages, English and French, and so in compliance with the Canadian Official Languages Act of 1969, to present a French language version of this week's intro, please welcome Miguel Gaultier. I know a girl named Lisa, she's got a big smile on her face She's got a big smile on her face She's got a big smile on her face She's got a big smile on her face

Starting point is 00:16:57 She's got a big smile on her face She's got a big smile on her face She's got a big smile on her face She's got a big smile on her face I shouldn't have asked you that, honestly, I'm sorry. I'm going to talk in French now. Yeah, whenever you're ready. The last time Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup was in 2008. It happened in the film The Love Guru. Written by Amy Avedette Mike Myers, from Toronto, in a performance just a Trudeau-esque,

Starting point is 00:17:28 in the role of Guru Pitca. The long-awaited sequel to Austin Powers was a commercial and critical disaster. Given the futility of the Maple Leafs of Toronto for decades, it may have been normal for their only Stanley Cup championship since 1967 to take place in a movie that no one has ever seen or loved. But despite the difficulty of the team in real life, the fact that the Maple Leafs remain among the five first teams in the National Hockey League in terms of influence is a sign of the delirious power of fanaticism.

Starting point is 00:18:00 Big sentence. The fact that the country's fastest chain of fast food restaurants was founded by a Defenseur des Leafs member of the Panthéon and that it bears its name as a witness to the team's commitment to national identity. This businessman aimed to open his first coffee shop in 1964 in the Canadian city of Hamilton. No, it's not a hip-hop musical comedy about the Prime Minister,

Starting point is 00:18:29 Sir John A. MacDonald, but... but of a city in the south of Ontario. In the span of 10 years, the chain had 40 stores. In the 90s, it had 500. Today, it has more than 5,000. These sales represent to herself more than 20% of the national restoration industry.

Starting point is 00:18:51 Tragically, independence shortened the life of her homonym at the age of 44, but her legacy remains as imposing as the CN Tower. According to the company, 80% of Canadians visit Timbs in Canada at least once a month. If you were born the year when the Mabilles participated for the last time at the Stanley Cup final, you celebrated your 57th anniversary this year. From the Florida teams, where hockey is sixth in terms of sports popularity after the NFL,

Starting point is 00:19:20 university football, baseball major league, NBA, and NASCAR. the University Football, the Major Baseball League, the NBA, and the NASCAR. We participated eight times in the Stanley Cup final. It is possible, or even probable, that many young fans of the Leafs pass from Berceau to La Tombe without their beloved team ever raising the Stanley Cup.

Starting point is 00:19:43 But maybe the eponymous institution just about fries and grilled beans, but legendary lifters and lifters can serve water with sweet and refined constellations. To quote a guest from the Doughboys of the past, Norm Sousa, nothing is more Canadian than a Benyain store named after a hockey player. This week on Doughboys, from Oshawa to Sausage Saga, from Scarborough to Jambo Moulton, we will protect our waders and our rights. We start in Toronto, a one-month culinary tour with Tim Hortons. Wow, wow. Wow, Miguel everybody, Miguel Gautier. Miguel, have a seat real quick.

Starting point is 00:20:29 Wow. Wow. Wow. Miguel, what a waste of your time and everyone else's. And my aunt who helped me translate that. Yes, you told me this and thank you so much for helping us out. Of course, of course. That was awesome. My pleasure.

Starting point is 00:20:46 You translated that, but also you had assistance from your aunt who is a professional translator and also... A nun. A nun? Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah, she's a nun. She's really cool. That makes me feel sad.

Starting point is 00:21:02 She's got nothing better to do. Oh no. She's got nothing better to do. Her full-time job is like believing in God, I guess. That's nice. We're going to get it. So okay, so you're from, originally you're from Manitoba. Yeah, I'm from a small town called Saint-Pierre-je-Lis, small French town. One person from there.

Starting point is 00:21:25 I did not realize there were French-speaking pockets of provinces outside of Quebec, but there's a Manitoba, there's a French contingent there. Yeah, they're kind of spread out around all of Canada, but in really tiny little minute pockets. Do you have a favorite, you've lived in Toronto for a while, do you have a favorite Toronto area, restaurant, chain restaurant, fast food go-to? Not that are, I mean, I love going to Jerk King. It's like a-

Starting point is 00:21:53 Jerk King, okay. That was my nickname in college. Pretty cool. It's like a great late night jerk chicken spot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm down. I wish we were reviewing it. But there's just so many of these bigger chains that we gotta hit up. We're gonna get a lot of other bullshit, yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:15 I'll try to hit up a jerk king while I'm here. Come on over. Jesus. You're gonna do an autofocus in your hotel room? Why not? Yeah, why not? Put it on the Patreon. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:22:30 The most money we've ever made. Ha ha ha ha ha. Miguel, I have to ask. We are talking about Tim Hortons today. What is your Tim Hortons fork score out of five as a Canadian? It doesn't count, though. It's not. Yeah, this is not necessarily canon. This is not necessarily gonna go on the Wiki,

Starting point is 00:22:47 but I just wanna get a baseline of you as someone who's lived in Toronto for over a decade, who spent your entire life in Canada. What is your Fork Score for Tim Horton's? If it doesn't count, yeah, like zero? Zero! Wow. Zero and people cheered.

Starting point is 00:23:06 You're cheering. You're sick. Thank you so much for helping us out. Where can people see you to perform in the city? Cause I know you do improv around here. Just anywhere you watch comedy, these guys know. All right, well there you go. Miguel Gaultier everyone.

Starting point is 00:23:21 Thank you so much, Miguel. Awesome job. Go, go, go, TA, everyone. Thank you so much, Miguel. Awesome job. He is going off the wrong way. Well, I guess maybe he's going to go. Is he going to go watch the show? That sucks.

Starting point is 00:23:38 I told him he didn't have to. He shouldn't. Yeah. I got to just bring up one thing before we. Yeah, please. We got to introduce our guest. Yes. And you have a drop you thing before we, Yeah, please. We gotta introduce our guest. Yes. It's been way too long. And you have a drop you gotta play.

Starting point is 00:23:47 Oh, fuck. We were in Tim Horton's earlier today. That's right. One of my many visits, I'll let you know. And I said earlier on in the conversation, I was like, there's Tim Horton. There was a picture of him. Yes.

Starting point is 00:24:01 And I was like, he looks like Frankenstein. That's right. And I was joking about how he and I would go out for the same roles in the dark universe. And then later I said, Tim Horton died in a drunk driving accident, which is so sorry. No, it's the truth. It's the truth and it's a bummer, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'm going to go the same way. But he died in a drunk driving accident.

Starting point is 00:24:23 RIP Jerk King. And then Amelia went, wait, Frankenstein got into an accident? Which doesn't make sense in any way. Can you come here? Do you think? Amelia, everyone. You were genuinely worried that Frankenstein got into a car accident. Do you think he's a real guy? I was half paying attention. You were talking about the Tim Horton and I heard, and then

Starting point is 00:25:01 Frankenstein, and you said someone died, got a DUI, and I was just like, it's just instinctually, Frankenstein got a DUI, and you can- But you were nervous. You have an understanding that Frankenstein is a fictional character. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I was worried about whoever it was.

Starting point is 00:25:22 That'd be a big story. It would be huge news if Frankenstein got hurt in a driving accident. Frankenstein's monster. Get his ass. Get the fuck off stage. Thank you, Amelia. Thank you, Amelia. Alright, play your drop and let's get our guests out here.

Starting point is 00:25:45 Alright Emma hit them with the drop please. Oh my god. Dope boys. Also we know British Columbia is in Canada. I know we're not stupid. We're not fucking stupid. Oh yeah Vancouver, Toronto, they're right next to each other you know. How far is Montreal from Toronto? You know how that shit go Oh yeah Vancouver, Toronto, they're right next to each other, you know You know how that shit go

Starting point is 00:26:05 How far is Montreal from Toronto? They got one NBA team for the whole country It can't be that hot I'm so international It's like the video of Drake that came out recently Oh my god Drake had a hog video? Oh yeah

Starting point is 00:26:18 How's he looking? He's big The dope boys were talking and complimenting on Drake's hog but he's problematic What the fuck do you want? We don't know if he is or not. We have no idea. Oh, Jesus. Great.

Starting point is 00:26:33 Always, I forgot how good it was to play a drop in front of a live audience. It certainly wounded the national character, South of the Border, I will say, to have Diddy, this iconic, you know, music figure, this pop culture, you know, legend I'll call him, go down in flames so spectacularly with such a horrible scandal. It must be nice to be a Canadian and be like, that'll never happen to Drake. We're in the clear. Is that who you're going to have your freak off with? If you guys walk onto the University of Toronto, is it like is there like a like a doomsday whistle that goes off? Are you allowed on the campus of the nurse? Don't worry about it. All right.

Starting point is 00:27:21 Hi, dough boys to commit to commemorate your visit to the 6, spelled with a 6 and then an I-X. That's fun. I put together, no it's not, I put together this Canadian geography lesson from the Doughboys featuring a beat from a certain big hogged non problematic local rapper. Can't wait for the Toronto show and for Tim Hortons to get the two forks one time it deserves. You guys hate it. Alex at chip tip on Instagram and Twitter. Uh, thank you for the drop. Wow. Why do you hate it? Well, whatever. They're like, they're, they're like, Mitch is going to try to give it five forks to just like, please the crowd, but I don't like Toronto.

Starting point is 00:28:10 We've established it, but you want me to give it, it sounds like you want us to give it a bad grade. We're gonna get into it. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, and we're gonna start on that bridge right now. Y'all ready for our guests? CHEERING right now. Y'all ready for our guests? Come on guys. I know we've dug ourselves into a trench here. I know, it's been a half hour of shit, but it's about to be good.

Starting point is 00:28:35 We're about to climb out, we're putting some ladders up. Y'all ready for your guests? Please welcome to the stage Stephanie Beatriz and Atlanta Johnston. One, two, three. Here we are. I like to party, I like to have fun. Hey everybody, hey everyone. Okay, it's about to get good. Alana, we should say for our audio listeners, wearing the Canadian tuxedo. Denim on denim.

Starting point is 00:29:14 Easy, easy. She's now running around the table. Work, work, work, work, work, work, work. Thank you. So good. Beautiful, beautiful ensemble. Thank you so much good, beautiful, beautiful ensemble. Thank you so much. You're welcome.

Starting point is 00:29:28 It's nice to have some femme energy in the middle of this shit show, am I right? I mean, I gotta say, I gotta say, Stephanie and I were backstage listening to whatever this is. We weren't really listening. And we were excited. We were excited to get out here.

Starting point is 00:29:44 Yeah. Because you guys need us. Oh my god. Yeah, no shit. I mean, shots fired, Mitch. All over Toronto. Toronto. What?

Starting point is 00:29:54 Even I know you're supposed to say Toronto. Thank you so much. Oh, yes! I said it wrong? Yeah. You've been saying Toronto. You've been here for like two months, dude. Toronto.

Starting point is 00:30:04 Toronto? Toronto Toronto Toronto Toronto Let's keep doing this for like 10 minutes Toronto Okay, so Stephanie you've been up here since July how long we've been working up here in Toronto Season two How long have you been working up here in Toronto? I've been here since July, shooting season two of Twisted Metal. How about that? How exciting is that? I believe that, and Alanna, I think this is a thing you've attended before, the Canadian National Exhibition, aka the X. Stephanie, did you go to that? I loved it.

Starting point is 00:30:40 Wow. I loved it. It was so hometown-y, but not at all. This is a big city, but it felt like I was at a little... In the United States, it would be a little state fair, but it was huge. Everyone was wasted. It was so fun to be in the middle of it. Are you guys talking about the X? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:01 The X. The X. We call it the X. You've been to the X in the past. I basically am the X. I'm there, I'm getting steals, deals, you name it. Food, galore, weird donuts with honey and burgers, why not? It was wild.

Starting point is 00:31:16 Did you have a favorite bite that you had in all your food consumption there? I had the unicorn. The unicorn. Essentially just a corn on a stick. Perfect. And then they dip it in some kind of cheese that's not quite right, but dyed different colors.

Starting point is 00:31:30 Okay. So you can like kind of fool yourself into thinking, I'm having a healthy snack. And it's not at all. And then we had some kind of- Mitch, were you pantomime eating your microphone like it was the ear of corn? No, I wasn't.

Starting point is 00:31:42 It looked like you were. It looked like I was trying to eat my microphone? It did. I had one of those too. I didn't have to pretend. I had to show you how- You didn't like the unicorn, right? Also, you don't eat corn like that.

Starting point is 00:31:53 You eat it like- I do. It's the whole thing. No. Whoop. And all the kernels pop off. You don't do that. I don't do, no, I don't do,

Starting point is 00:32:01 I did have a unicorn, but I didn't, I- You didn't like it. I liked it. No, I thought it was good I did that as much as you like it here. Huh? Did you like it as much as you like it here in this city? I Toronto's growing on me Good I want to be trampled to death by our listeners Excuse me, excuse me. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:32:28 I'm more of a Hamilton guy. Yeah. You spent time up in Hamilton. That's right. We've been shooting in the hammer. Yeah. Yeah, he's in Hamilton, not gonna go see a Tiger Cats game.

Starting point is 00:32:39 What are we doing? That's all they have. That's all that's popping up. What are the Tiger Cats? A team. What sport though? Football. Football. That's all that's popping off. What are the Tiger Cats? A team. What sport though? Football. Oh, got it. Fun. How fun is that? It's a sure. Hamilton has its own CFL franchise. Yeah, good. They needed it. It's in the league. They compete with the Argonauts? Yeah. Wow. How about that? It's a steel town. It's just like steel mills.

Starting point is 00:33:03 This is the truth. No, I've heard this and the birthplace of Tim Hortons I Went there I went to the original location the og Tim. I went to the og Tim Hortons That's how much I care about all I will say I Did want to go and then I looked at the Remodel of the Tim Hortons there, and it is really intensely modern, and it gave me the ick. There's a museum on the second floor.

Starting point is 00:33:31 I do wish I had seen that. And there's a lot of little interactive things. There's a driving similar to Tim Hortons' wild last ride. You can put a mask on and see what it was like, his last drive. Oh my god, we're all so embarrassed for you. There was a lot of cool stuff. That was a little untasteful, but there was a lot of cool stuff. Yeah, that thing at the museum was really tasteless, that thing. I went with Sparky, me and Sparky and I.

Starting point is 00:34:07 Your friend Sparky. About the transport driver, yes, my friend Sparky, we went together, yeah. How cool is that? It was a blast. You're spending a lot of time together because a big thing is that you are being, you obviously don't live up here, you're being housed in Toronto proper, and so there's a big long commute to Hamilton and someone drives you out there. How about that?

Starting point is 00:34:26 I stayed at the Sandman Hotel up in Hamilton. That's cool. It's a Sandler themed hotel. I used this joke all week with my castmates. I can't do it again. Did it go over as well? No, they didn't care. I said I was in the little Nicky suite and they nodded.

Starting point is 00:34:43 Wow. That's so crazy because it's such a good joke. I heard the issue with the Sandman Hotel is that the Spider-Man Hotel went up right next to it and put it out of business. To be fair, he used that joke on me. So we're both retelling bad jokes. The Hamilton is very interesting. Yes. And it has the original Tim Hortons, but he's not from, Tim Hortons not from Hamilton. He's not? So what'd he do? What? I think they just threw it up in Hamilton because they're like there's nothing else in this shithole. Yeah, he went to Hamilton, he went fuck it, I need a coffee.

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Starting point is 00:38:57 I want to I want to we've got a lot of Tim Hortons talk about and I want to make sure we get to there, but I want to talk a little bit more generally first because I mentioned some of the other chains that we're going to be reviewing in future episodes. Alana, you're going to be joining us in studio for a Swiss Shelly episode. This is a chain you are truly passionate about. It's not. Hold on. Can I just, one, quickly? Yeah. They cheer more for Swiss Chalet than they've cheered for us all night. What the fuck's wrong with you, Swiss Chalet?

Starting point is 00:39:15 Here's what it is. What is it? CHEERING Now you know why, right? When you understand the perverse psychology of our fandom, it tracks completely. They like Swiss Chalet. They don't like you. They don't like us.

Starting point is 00:39:30 They don't like Tim Hortons, so they can send us to Tim Hortons to punish us, and that makes them happy. Slash horny. Yeah, slash horny. Yeah, guys, we're gonna slam dunk the Swish. You just wait. I'm very excited. My big question is, and this is for everyone, and Alanna, I wanna get your thoughts, and Stephanie, if you've had it, I wanna get your thoughts.

Starting point is 00:39:51 Pizza Pizza is from Toronto, is my understanding. It's from Ontario, but it seemed like the consensus among Canadians, or at least among our fandom, was that people wanted us to review Boston Pizza. Do you have any takes on Pizza Pizza? Here's my two cents about Pizza Pizza. Yeah. Okay. The lunch buffet. Sure. I used to. Why not? I was young once. You know, living my carefree life. The attraction of pizza pizza was the parties. Yeah. Like the part, you know, you'd go there for like your birthday party. Nobody's talking about

Starting point is 00:40:21 the Zahs themselves. Nobody's coming going. how about these toppings? You know what I mean? It's not happening. Boston pizza, though, BP to save time. Now those are toppings. You're sitting here, you're eating a pizza, next thing you turn around, why is there sour cream on it? Who knows? No, they don't. Yes. Oh, you don't even know what they're doing in Boston. Oh, man. It's from Canada. It's doing in Boston. Hell no. Man. It's from Canada. Yeah. It's not from Boston.

Starting point is 00:40:46 But it appeals to the people from Boston. It's a nightmare. It's an absolute nightmare. Sour cream on a pizza? They put sour cream on. There is one pizza they put sour cream on. They are so busy there, yeah. We had some Tim Hortons pizza approximations,

Starting point is 00:41:00 which we'll talk about in a second. But... I insisted on the savory dish. I was like, if we're gonna do it, we gotta get in there. We gotta really go for it. You were absolutely correct. It was part of our duty. We were being comprehensive by having them.

Starting point is 00:41:16 I'm glad we did. But I'm curious, Stephanie, like, what are your general pizza preferences? I like, um... Mm, hmm, hmm. Hold on, I have to close my eyes. general pizza preferences? I like a, hold on, I have to close my eyes. Sorry guys, I should be going pizza. My husband Brad knows this, but like when we first started dating, I was like,

Starting point is 00:41:34 you know, does food ever make you kind of like horny? And he was like, yeah. And I was like, you want to get married? I like it when there's like a little bit of like crunchy cheese on the crust part. Oh yeah. I don't like a soggy bottom. I don't like a too sweet tomato sauce.

Starting point is 00:41:53 I love a lot of cheese. I love a double cheese situation. Love a pepperoni, small pepperoni, crisped up so that it makes a little scoop so they can scoop up the oil. Yeah, why not? Yummy, yummy, yummy. And then maybe some peppers on it not? Yummy, yummy, yummy. And then maybe some peppers on it, you know,

Starting point is 00:42:07 like spicy peppers. Oh, sure. I was gonna say, what? I wanna talk about the pizza in Hamilton. Oh yeah, the pizza in Hamilton was good. Mike Mitchell got us some pizza in Hamilton that was really delicious. Wow, thank you for bringing that up. That's really nice of you to bring it up.

Starting point is 00:42:23 He brought, he ordered them as a surprise for the cast. It was a very long day. We were all like, and then the pizza came and we were all so happy. Cowabunga pizza. It was really good. How about that? Ranked the number one pizza in the world at one point.

Starting point is 00:42:38 I was like, where did you read that? Like, I don't know about the world, but it was good. It was hella good. It was good, it was good. Especially for a Hamilton pizza. And then we got second. You ruined it. Ah, you ruined it right there at the end.

Starting point is 00:42:50 You guys have been there? No, it was good for any pizza, honestly. The truffle pizza was really good. You know, it's okay, Mitch. You can't lose a crowd you never had. No problem, no problem, unscathed. Stephanie's pat, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Starting point is 00:43:17 no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Is that why there are towels here? Are they for you? Yeah, what the fuck? They got me fucking sweat towels? For the listeners, for the listeners, there's a table with just waters and a pile of towels only in front of Mitch. I think they placed them there after I called myself the Jerk King. We actually got- My stupid mind, I was like, for our listeners,

Starting point is 00:43:48 he's now whipping out his dick. God damn it. We got pizza pizza for second meal in Hamilton the other night. Oh, you were gone. I didn't, I don't, I won't, sorry. I won't. I liked pizza pizza.

Starting point is 00:44:02 So was pizza pizza. You liked pizza pizza. It tasted like old Domino's, it tasted like Domino's, but remember when Domino's was like, we suck and. I liked pizza pizza. So is pizza pizza. You like pizza pizza. It tasted like old Domino's. It tasted like Domino's, but remember when Domino's was like, we suck and the pizza's different now. Old pizza pizza tastes like old Domino's. I like Domino's in the United States.

Starting point is 00:44:14 I haven't had Domino's here, so I can't speak on that. I haven't had it here either. Hold on. I like Domino's. You like pizza pizza? Yeah. Oh, Mitch. Where did your self-esteem go?

Starting point is 00:44:25 Is Pizza Pizza Little Caesars? No, it is unrelated. Oh, that's not okay. Yeah, well, okay, so it's a trademark that's owned in Canada, so I believe Little Caesars, if it has any sort of footprint up here at all, does not use Pizza Pizza, which is their slogan in America. Very strange.

Starting point is 00:44:43 Pizza Pizza's just just cheap and big, and you can get it if you need it for a bunch of people. Yeah, but we don't have the crazy bread. Okay. That's why you go to Little Scissors. Okay, okay, okay. Samoa Joe has told me from the start that it is... Samoa Joe is the wrestler who's in Twisted Metal,

Starting point is 00:44:58 not a Boston nickname for one of my friends, and I'm being canceled. Samoa Joe is my friend. So I can say it, I'm not racist. There's a tremendous wrestling fandom up here in Canada, the greatest wrestling country in the world. They know who Samoa Joe is. Samoa Joe is like, it's the same thing as Little Caesars and I don't have the heart to tell him it's not. Because I think he just will throw me through a table. It's okay, your sweat towels will break your fall. Should we throw those to the audience at the end

Starting point is 00:45:34 when they're covered in sweat? I think it's a great idea. Will we be charged? Cause if not, they're going to the crowd. Nice, nice. That's an interesting level of beta that I can relate to. Just like being scared to correct somebody when they're clearly wrong and just going to the crowd. Nice, nice. That's an interesting level of beta that I can relate to, just like being scared to correct somebody when they're clearly wrong and just going along with it.

Starting point is 00:45:49 I remember one time in college, this cool like buff Brazilian guy who was older than me was telling me how in episode one, the little boy, Anakin Skywalker, grows up to be Luke Skywalker. And I was like, yeah, it's crazy. Do you feel beta with this new haircut? Because it's giving like...

Starting point is 00:46:10 It's giving Trump assassination vibes. Jesus Christ, Mitch! He was a Weiger ass looking guy, come on. I like it. We have a lot of time off. I don't know what you're up to, but. I like having the buzz. It is very, very, I mean, this is the thing.

Starting point is 00:46:32 Everyone out there got a buzz cut? Anyone's high and tight? Or just got the straight up chrome dome? Because I feel a bit of a kinship with you. It's like having longer hair, which I've had, my hair was closer to Alana's length not too long ago, it's a big pain in the ass to take care of it. But it looks horrible.

Starting point is 00:46:50 It looks, both your hairs look fantastic. Thank you, yes. We look great, we look great. Our two hairs, the one and the one, look good. Christ. You both have wonderful heads of hair, but it is a big pain in the ass to maintain it, and I'm just always like, anytime I work out or something now

Starting point is 00:47:06 I just like I don't know rinse off them. I'm good to go. It's great. It's very beginning of summer Yeah, just perfect for the fall Yeah, you you get into the shower you put your gun together you take it apart You get into your little short shorts your crop top Shut up! You get out of the shower, you get into your little short shorts and your crop top. Knee socks. That was a private pile reference.

Starting point is 00:47:28 I wasn't saying he looks like the shooter again, though he does. I like it. I think it looks great. Thank you. Does Natalie like it? She does like it, yes, thank you for asking. Is she like doing fantasy stuff with you now?

Starting point is 00:47:40 Also, it really defines your job. Arrest me, officer! Yeah, yeah. I've been in bad, bad, bad. Sorry, whoa. I'll take it back, I'll take it back. You can see your cheekbones. It's very nice. The cheekbones.

Starting point is 00:47:54 Yeah, very good. Good definition. Wow, whoop-dee-doo. Yeah, what are you going to say? Go ahead. I was just going to say congratulations on maintaining your look. That's all I was going to say. Nothing, really. I wore a fucking Hawaiian shirt tonight. It looks great. And congratulations on that your look. That's all I was gonna say. I wore a fucking Hawaiian shirt tonight.

Starting point is 00:48:08 And congratulations on that, yes. I want to talk about my favorite Canadian restaurant quickly. McDonald's. Yes. Did you have the boutique? I went to McDonald's, this is the truth. I went to McDonald's, thunder and lightning storm outside. Bow wow.

Starting point is 00:48:27 I did that to be theatrical. Bow wow, wow. Can we do any flashing lights, is that possible? Close your eyes if you get seizures. Bow. Whoa. Wow. Just turned to the Rainforest Cafe, I loved it. Thank you so much back there.

Starting point is 00:48:47 I went into McDonald's, thunder and lightning storm, I go over and I get myself a meal. And lightning strikes and I hear thunder crash. And the lights go out in the McDonald's. And I was like, oh my God, the power went out. And I had my McDonald's meal and I sat down at a table, there was another guy there, I sat down, I started eating my meal and I was like, oh my God, the power went out. And I had my McDonald's meal and I sat down at a table. There was another guy there. I sat down, I started eating my meal and I was like, this is crazy.

Starting point is 00:49:09 The lights are off. The storm put the lights out. And then a McDonald's employee came up to me and he's like, hey dude, we're closed. He's like, we turned the lights off, leave. And I was like, oh, it wasn't thunder and lightning? He's like, no. You got your meal to stay? I got my meal to stay. I was the, oh, it wasn't thunder and lightning? He's like, no. You got your meal to stay? I got my meal to stay.

Starting point is 00:49:28 I was the only one in there. Wow. The guy who was sitting down left. And I was like, whatever. Why did they let you get it to go if they were about or to stay if they're about to close? Oh, I got it to go, but I sat down in eight. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:49:39 What time was it? It was like 3 a.m. I think, but I was like, what a moment. I was like, this is crazy. It's the next, next, next. I was like, oh, it's crazy. I'm like, whoa, the power's up. What a moment. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:49:50 I think there was some confusion with the thunder and lightning because you seem to think it sounds like, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. So an alarm could have gone off and then you immediately were like, what a storm we are in. How do you do a thunder and lightning? Can you please give me a better thunder? Phew. And rain.

Starting point is 00:50:17 Whoa. What the fuck? That's good, this is good stuff. What do you think was going through that employee's head? He's like, oh God. When he saw you sitting there just thinking like, this is it, this is it. This is my final moment.

Starting point is 00:50:28 This is my final moment. This guy's gonna fucking murder me in the middle of this McDonald's. I think he was like, how is this guy the only one who doesn't get that we're closed? It was embarrassing, but it's still great, great meal. Hey, the product is pretty good up north too, Wags. Can I say, because, you know, we've talked about it before and it was a chain we reviewed

Starting point is 00:50:49 before in Vancouver. Is anyone here from British Columbia? Anyone come out from British Columbia? Come on. There's a cast. That's on the other side of the country. You came out for this? Okay, so that's okay.

Starting point is 00:51:00 That's okay. Oh my God, you flew all this way to see me? Walked right into it. Wow. And you know how people walk clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp, right? I thought I was I thought I was a regular Michael Winslow. I thought I was doing good over here. We were up in Vancouver and we reviewed A&W with Off Book for a live show. Five Forks all around, Platinum Plate Club.

Starting point is 00:51:30 Wow. Wow, Platinum. A&W's pretty great. That is one of my favorite chains I have ever eaten on Doughboy's tour. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Ah. You're doing,

Starting point is 00:51:39 you're doing drinking a root beer on a monopoeia? Very good. I'll be quiet the rest of the podcast. No, Mitch! Oh, he put his mic on the stand. A&W Canada is awesome. I love it. It is a place I'm gonna make a point to get again up here even though we're not reviewing it again because I want to try that Ruffles Crunch Burger. But I'm curious, Alana, do you have any thoughts on A&W? And Stephanie, have you had A&W, either in the States or in Canada?

Starting point is 00:52:09 Even though they're- I've only had the root beer, I've never had anything else from them. Never had the, okay, the restaurant. But we did walk by the poster today, yesterday, and I was like, what is that? The Crunch, whatever the fuck that is. That was great. Teen Burger.

Starting point is 00:52:20 The Teen Burger. Yeah, they're the Teen Burger. The Teen Burger? Yeah, Dwight's order of Teen Burger, he said hold the burger. Okay. I'm back, baby. You know what? Either saying spoon or booing me

Starting point is 00:52:41 and I don't care either way, it's nice. Either saying spoon or booing me and I don't care either way. It's nice. Okay. Well, A&W and I have one thing in common and that is beef. With the Doughboys. And here's why. What? I have actually never had A&W and you two are the reason why. When we went to Saskatoon, I specifically asked to review A&W. And it did not happen. And now, because of that, I am not allowed to have it.

Starting point is 00:53:13 Why did we review smoked sputenary in Saskatoon? I don't know. I think it's from Saskatchewan or something maybe. I have a better question. Why did we go to Saskatoon? Yeah, can I tell you real quick, quick side note, Mitch and I were in a fight for about six months after that trip because I got laryngitis because it was like 40 below and then he claimed I got him sick. Laryngitis, I'm not trying to give it to you, I didn't know I had it

Starting point is 00:53:39 and he didn't talk to me for like six months, he was mad at me. You came on my podcast and told me that you were mad at me about it. I was pretty pissed off. Really? I didn't want... Mitch is the sick detective. He's been COVID tracing since before COVID. If someone gets him sick, he blames them.

Starting point is 00:53:52 Like he's like, you were sick near me. Yeah. This is true. Recently when you were sick. I came to work. I came to work. I came to work sick. What the fuck?

Starting point is 00:54:05 Come on. This is true. It is true. I've been on antibiotics. I've been on antibiotics, but I'm fine. I feel bamboozled. I wore a mask. I wore a mask the whole time I was there.

Starting point is 00:54:17 Not while you were acting, not in the scene. I took it off while, and there was an actor who was here who had a great monologue, and I was coughing during it. It was a nightmare. You know what? Yeah, forget it it I'm going back to the airport to go find his luggage and get on a plane and get out of here. All right. Why is they they like you have no shirts correct you have nothing. Yeah I have what I'm wearing well okay wait actually Mitch that is a reminder thank

Starting point is 00:54:40 you because so as anyone ever had their luggage lost by Air Canada? Has anyone experienced that? Yeah, I thought this might be pretty commonplace because I told the woman at the hotel that Air Canada lost my bags and she just went, mm-hmm. Like it was nothing. No, I'm so sorry. But anyway, they give you a little care package. So as like, hey, sorry that we fucked up

Starting point is 00:55:07 and your bags aren't here, you don't have any of your shit. They give you a care package that's got a few things. It's got like a toothbrush in it and some floss and like some single use deodorant, some conditioner. Where are you staying? The Four Seasons? What the fuck? No, Air Canada gives this to you.

Starting point is 00:55:21 And they're just like, here you go. No, they don't. No, they did. They're like, hey, you forgot, here's some essentials for you. Here's a six-year-old Molson. But one thing they give you, one thing they give you is an XL t-shirt.

Starting point is 00:55:34 This is the shirt. Okay, it's plain white. It has very clear creases from where it was folded, and it is too big. A plain white XL t-shirt, to what end? What do I do with this? I guess they don't want to put the Air Canada logo on it because that's shameful, but yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:55 That's really nice, though. It is nice. I mean, there's no American aviation, whatever the fuck, I don't know, they don't fucking dig it, they're like, I'm sorry. Yeah, dig it. They're like, sorry. Yeah. No, you know, you'd be like, fuck off. Yeah, that's really nice. Delta. Good luck.

Starting point is 00:56:09 Yeah, it's it's it's it's nice that you get something. But yeah, it's I don't have anything, Mitch. I have what I'm wearing. I had a an outfit I was going to wear for the show that I'm not wearing because I'm I'm wearing the clothes I have in the plane. You shared the email with us, too, and I do want to say it makes you sound suspicious. I mean, am I wrong? Logs hold on if I can find the all caps email I got its property irregularity report.

Starting point is 00:56:40 Which makes me feel like something was weird in your bag. See, there it is that's the Seedling blow enjoy your excel white tee So you so you didn't have a choice of what you were gonna wear did you have a big outfit prepared I had a little something a little something. A little something. It's fine, it's no big deal. It's fine. It's totally fine, we're having fun. It's all gonna work out. I'd be flipping out if they lost my Canadian tuxedo.

Starting point is 00:57:12 Any of that? Okay, what is everyone's level of donut fandom? Like we're talking about Tim Hortons, but more generally, where do you stand on donuts? Where do you stand on coffee? Is that an occasional thing? Is that like a frequent breakfast? Where are we with donuts?

Starting point is 00:57:27 I love donuts, but I have to like, it has to be like a once every other week sort of treat for me. So I'll just eat too many of them. Once every other week? Yeah. So you eat like 27, 26 donuts per year? That's a reasonable number of donuts.

Starting point is 00:57:43 For someone who likes donuts. Are you trying to exercise some restraint? Maybe he likes donuts. Yeah. Are you not using the donut calendar app to track it? Because we are. We'll text it to you. We'll text it to you.

Starting point is 00:57:54 Yeah, we'll text it to you. This is someone who's in the last three days, I've eaten like eight donuts. Yeah, sure. OK. So. Uh, I probably have like, I don't know, like 10 donuts a year. Yeah, it's a good number. Okay. I probably have like, I don't know, like 10 donuts a year.

Starting point is 00:58:08 Yeah, it's a good number. Yeah. Reasonable number. Coffee every day, cold, iced coffee, which is very hard to get here. Wow. Iced, really? I would shoot it in my veins if I could.

Starting point is 00:58:17 Wow. Immediately, I would like patch myself with coffee if I could do it. I love it so much and it has to be iced so I can get it in fast. But it's just very hard to get iced here. Like they look at you real weird when you ask for it. They're like, but it's cold here.

Starting point is 00:58:30 Why do you want cold coffee? But I like it. Yeah, that's interesting. Alana, where do you stand on donuts and coffee? Well, yes Mitch. Nothing, nevermind. Let's hear what you think about coffee. Love coffee.

Starting point is 00:58:45 Don't mind if I do. I've already had six today. Let me see. Well, I'm more of a cookie gal myself. Okay, sure. Okay. I like donuts. I would say I wouldn't go out and get one.

Starting point is 00:58:58 It would have to be put in front of me. If I'm going out to get something, it's going to be a bit more of a blast. You know? Yeah. Well, Tim Hortons, we'll get into, was founded in 1964 in Hamilton, Ontario as Tim Horton Donuts, as we talked about, a name for the defenseman, as we mentioned. The brand name was later Sean Parker to just Tim Hortons, no apostrophe interestingly, Tim Hortons plural. Today has over 5,700 locations and after a 2014 merger, which is very controversial, it is now part of Restaurant Brands International along with Burger King, Popeyes, and Firehouse Subs, three other American chains that comprise the entire company.

Starting point is 00:59:40 They lost their beans. I thought that would get a pop. They lost their beans. Please explain, please explain. You mean like lost their marbles? For those of us that aren't. Tim Hortons lost their beans to McDonald's. They lost their beans. Okay. They fucked up. You keep repeating it like we should know what that means. But I don't know what it means. Explain it to me. Jack and Jill shit. Tim Hortons lost their beans. No, he did it again.

Starting point is 01:00:12 What do you so far? McDonald's came in, swooped their beans up. McDonald's coffee is now old Tim Hortons coffee. They lost their beans. Do you mean like misplace their beans? So is this like Toodles and Hook where he lost his marbles and nobody knows what's going on until the end? I am going to bangerang down the aisle at the end of the show. Nice, nice, nice.

Starting point is 01:00:36 They lost their bean suppliers. They lost their bean suppliers to McDonald's. Wow, it's almost as if there was a way easier way to explain it. I thought everyone would be on board when I said they lost their beans. I thought you meant like somebody hijacked the truck of beans and took them. Or like they lost their like, swooped in special recipe or something. They did. They lost the special recipe! Mitch, I've got a source here, Yahoo Finance Canada. No, Tim Hortons did not sell its coffee to McDonald's.

Starting point is 01:01:13 Ah! Ah! Oh my god! I don't know why this story originated or how it grew the way it did, but I can 100% confirm that it is a myth. Mike Hancock, Tim Horton's chief operating officer, said in an interview with Yahoo Finance Canada this week. It's doodles floating up with his marbles in his hands

Starting point is 01:01:32 off to Neverland. He didn't lose them after all. It was a happy ending. Wow. So that's an urban legend, an urban myth up here that's been perpetuated. That's a real shot to the beans. Been circulated.

Starting point is 01:01:44 Embarrassing. Okay, so I've been perpetuated. That's a real shot to the beans. Embarrassing. Okay, so I've been to Tim Horton's, I believe, a half-dozen times. And all of my previous times were, for the first time I ever went, I went in Saskatoon. And then after that they have all been... That was my first visit with you as well. Yeah, didn't we all go together? We all went together. And we also, like I've been in Vancouver

Starting point is 01:02:07 Those are the only place in Canada I've been so like yeah I've been to Vancouver a couple of times and I've been at the airport for whatever it's worth So like I this is this is like the most thorough evaluation of Tim Hortons I've gotten to do it's come via two experiences today one in store and one backstage All you know taking place within the four hours that I was in Canada before this show. And I will say, my expectations were pretty low, because I'd been primed by just the fandom and also by Canadian friends I have, by Alana, by Norm, to just not expect a lot, I had a pretty good

Starting point is 01:02:48 time. Wigs? Yeah. I think that the two pieces of bread should talk before we get to the, what the fuck am I saying? Where's the bread? We're on the outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:02 They lost their beans! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Everyone expects us. I like that he's really using them though. It's great. I'm just gonna put them over each shoulder. I... I... I... I... I... I... I...

Starting point is 01:03:35 I... Someone's gonna have to launder that towel that you have situated over your crop. We're gonna give it to the audience. Give it to the audience at the end. Jesus. All five want them. I feel like people want us to hate this restaurant,

Starting point is 01:03:49 but I gotta tell ya, I had a pretty good time too. Wow. Spark, I had a good time with Sparky. I'm not trying to, I told you I don't like your city that much, I'm not trying to kiss your ass. I had a good time, I had a good couple visits. Yeah, if this is pandering, this is some 40D chess level pandering

Starting point is 01:04:07 that I don't think you're capable of. So I think you're being honest. Oh, cool. Thanks. But, wait a second. Yeah, that's awesome. No, no, no. He's right. I'm too dumb to 4D chess pander. I need some clarification because usually when somebody asks what you think of a place, you'd be like, the food was really good. You guys are just talking about how much fun you had and I can't help but think it's because I was there. Like you guys are like, what a good time.

Starting point is 01:04:32 We just had such a good time. I was making so many jokes. I was being hilarious. Are we sure we're not reviewing me? If so, five fours. Guys, Stephanie and I, you had to see us backstage getting on like you wouldn't believe. Honest to God, sorry to you boys, but wow, what a time we're having. We are the Tim Hortons to each other.

Starting point is 01:04:54 You said to me that you said, I said, I'll meet you at Tim Hortons at 445, and then you said, it's a date. And I said, no, it's not a date. And then you said, you have to say it's a date. And I said, okay, it's a date. I fucking cream my jeans. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry, cum. That's what you like to say on that.

Starting point is 01:05:18 Thank you, thank you. I cum my jeans. I wowed, I wowed in my jeans. I will pander, I love it here. Yes! Bethany! I love it. I love Toronto. I love it. I love the people. I love the little cute streets where you can like eat all sorts of different things from international places. I like like how everyone is super, super, but also talks fucking lots of shit. My God, I've never met a community that gossips so much.

Starting point is 01:05:51 Canadians love to talk shit. Because Mitch said there's nothing else to do. Which is a lie, and also, I went to Little Canada, and it was fucking amazing. Yeah! Okay? Wow. It was a veritable wonderland.

Starting point is 01:06:06 All right? I waltzed through all these Canadian provinces. I was like, I'm a giant. My kid was losing her mind. We absolutely ordered three Christmas ornaments of the little tiny miniature uss. And we also had ourselves put into, what is the big arena?

Starting point is 01:06:23 You downsized. But the thing and the- Skydome, like formerly known as the Skydome? Yeah, what is the big arena? You downsized. But the thing in the- Skydome, like formerly known as the Skydome? Yeah, what is it called now? It's something not as good. Roger Center. Yeah, tiny Brad and tiny Roz are gonna be put into the Roger Center.

Starting point is 01:06:34 That's adorable, I love that. It's so fun. Love it here. Well, guess what? Toronto has grown on me. Just said it wrong again. In this last five minutes? Once I saw the audience react to you that way,

Starting point is 01:06:47 Toronto grew on me quite a bit. Yeah, win that crowd, Maximus. Go get him, Mitch. You know what sucks? Vancouver. She told me to shit on Vancouver. I said, when you inevitably bomb on the show, shout out that you don't like Vancouver, you'll win them right back. Um...

Starting point is 01:07:10 Careful, buddy. All week, all week at work it was like that. It was rough. Drink some water. Hydrate. There was whooping cough outbreak in Canada. And who started it? There was so much stuff. There was a West Nile virus outbreak. What's going on up here? There was a ton, and then whooping cough.

Starting point is 01:07:30 Look, I love this place. And when I went with Sparky, who I give five works to Sparky, great guy, he's like Jiminy Glick, he's great. And I got some Timbits. Okay, fuck off. And I got an ice cap. That's more like it. And I ate those on the ride home from Hamilton

Starting point is 01:07:56 and I was having a blast, Wags. So the Timbits we should, you know, for people who have not been to a Tim Hortons, which, you know, is not the people in this building, but our listenership at large, they're basically donut holes. They're donut holes. They're donut holes.

Starting point is 01:08:11 This is not right. I mean, you can't rename a donut hole and expect that it's okay. We can and we will. Well, you know what I mean? I think the name is, Tim Bitt sounds, it sounds like Tim Hortons balls. Look Tim Bitt. Little Tim Bitt.

Starting point is 01:08:31 See how many you can fit in your mouth. I don't like that. I do like the packaging. It comes in a cute little carrying case. Yeah, it's fun. It's very adorable. Well, and the first time they were called Munchkins Dunkin Donuts. Yeah, whoops.

Starting point is 01:08:44 That's what I was gonna say. The natural point of comparison is the Dunkin' Donuts Munchkins. Kind of like the Timbits. I mean, this is the thing. I feel like both of these chains suffer from growing too large and being owned by larger umbrella corporations and as such... The umbrella corporation? Not for the rest of the people, Mitch. Don't worry about it. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You're not gonna get La Plaga.

Starting point is 01:09:09 Okay, thank you. There is a- You can tell the nerds in the crowd. Every girlfriend is sitting there silently. They do not know what the fuck they're laughing at. Yeah, now they're silent. Yeah, I think the girlfriends in the crowd have been suffering for a long time.

Starting point is 01:09:24 And God bless you all. God bless them. God bless our Paws swans, your heroes. The same thing happened, Mitch, with Duncan, as you witnessed, is that they were like, we want to be all over North America, we want to be all over the world, we don't want to be a regional chain anymore. Tim Horton's the same sort of aspirations. We don't want to just be in Canada, we want to try to grow into the states and elsewhere. I believe they're now in something

Starting point is 01:09:47 like 13 countries. And when your presence starts to grow that large, your product is going to suffer as you scale up. And what's happened is both of these chains, Mitch, it's happened with Duncan as well, used to bake everything in-house, and now a lot of it is baked at a kitchen and then shipped to these locations. And oftentimes it arrives frozen and it all the product takes a hit. Anyway, all that said, I think the Timbits in their current iteration are better than the current munchkins. I think it's just a little bit of a better donut hole. Not that either of them is great.

Starting point is 01:10:19 Yeah. Also, a better origin story for the name. I agree. Yeah. Because someone would go, do you want to go to Tim's a bit And that was it Tim bit they said that's that That's how they did it. Yeah, look it up. Look it up. Is it where it? Where it you're looking it up right now? I actually if you want to know what I'm looking up right now Okay, did Tim Hortons lose their beans? Oh I'm mad.

Starting point is 01:10:47 I think what trips me out about the Tim bit is that it is spherical, like truly spherical, whereas it's not been a donut hole that's something that's left over from the, it feels very, I don't know, it feels fake. It feels very fake. You open it and it's like, can I eat this or is this for display purposes only? Right, 100%. You know what I mean? Yeah, they are fake. It feels very fake. Like you open it and it's like, can I eat this or is this for display purposes only?

Starting point is 01:11:05 Right, 100%. Yeah, they are pretty perfect. They're perfect. Yeah, they are. Yeah, like machine pressed. And I, you know, my first bite of Tim Hortons up here, this trip was, look, I love birthday flavor. I got some of the birthday cake Tim bits.

Starting point is 01:11:24 I mean, it's kind of just like a cake donut or a glazed donut with some sprinkles on it. And hey, I like that shit, but it's like, you know, it's not doing anything spectacular in terms of birthday flavor. You wanted a candle in there, what? I want it to feel more birthday-like. You wanted someone to sing?

Starting point is 01:11:40 That might be nice. The box opens. Happy birthday. A little tiny voice. Tiny little voice. No, I don't know, frosted a little bit or something. Oh, frost, that would be good if it box opens. Happy birthday. A little tiny voice. Tiny little voice. Like that. No, I don't know. Frosted a little bit or something, you know. Oh, frost, that would be good if it had a bit of frosting.

Starting point is 01:11:49 Yeah, that is actually really good. But we also had- Just put your own frosting on there, you freak. Price. Yeah, we're the freaks. You mean your own wow? No, no, I don't mean your own wow. I might need to sleep in like an iron lung.

Starting point is 01:12:04 I'm dying. I don't know if you like an iron lung, I'm dying. I don't know if you noticed. Hydrate, drink some water. Take this bottle too, there's another one. There is so much access to water up here. I liked my Timbits too. Yeah. Hey, that's funny. I liked my Timbits.

Starting point is 01:12:22 Wait, what's funny? Was it funny? It sounded like Timbuktu. I liked my Timbits too. I thought it was funny in my head. I'm trying to get entertainment for myself in any way I can take it. That's good, that's good. No, that's good, that was good.

Starting point is 01:12:39 You kind of did a Timbit there. I did do a little Timbit. I went to Tim Horton's, I'm trying not to cough. Take a second, gather yourself, have some water, we'll come back to you. I will cough through this if I have to. Please don't. Cool, I'm so glad I flew in for this. I'm excited to go to work with this virus on Tuesday.

Starting point is 01:13:06 Yay. I took antibiotics unless it is a viral. I went to Tim Horton's the next day after. Stop trying to speak. And I got a farmer's wrap. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Someone else tell us what a farmer's rap is.

Starting point is 01:13:25 What is a farmer's rap? And I love the farmer's rap. It was so damn good. Mitch is determined to labor through this like RFK Jr. for some reason. Mitch was like, I have to let the people know. Dying, dying, just dying last words, farmer's rap. Damn, I'm so sad I can't vote for him in November.

Starting point is 01:13:51 The farmer's wrap was fantastic. And I was eating this farmer's wrap and I was like, why is everyone so mean to this place? This is the farmer's wrap. I'm going to describe the farmer's wrap while Mitch takes a break. But the wraps, the savory side of the menu, Alana, is somewhat controversial because they were, they're, you know, donuts or donuts and coffee was their whole thing. They were founded as a donut shop and then they've expanded. The flatbread will get into,

Starting point is 01:14:13 but like a lot of the wraps and then the soup that you had are all like relatively recent additions is my understanding. Well, and they changed the soup. And they changed that. Yeah, they changed that. Like when that. So I moved, who cares? But the chicken noodle soup used to have the, which ones are the spiral ones, noodles, which ones are those called?

Starting point is 01:14:31 Rotini? Spirals. Spirals? And now it's the shells. And I thought, without asking me, okay. We won't get into the taste, it's still there, but we won't get into the taste right now. But when I went today with all the savory items, like I didn't know about half of them.

Starting point is 01:14:49 Yes. First of all, they got rid of the ones that I like right out of the gate. Again, no text, no heads up. OK. But it was like I was so confused as to what they were trying to do with this chain. Like I couldn't. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. What's happening is not cohesive in any way. Right, is it sweets, is it savory, are we in the club? Cause these two are having such a good time. Like I was very confused.

Starting point is 01:15:12 I'm sure you were too. It's very confusing. The first time I went in there, I was like, there's donuts and coffee. And then like there was like a very strong savory smell coming from the back. I was like, what's going on? Yeah, like lasagna, whatever.

Starting point is 01:15:23 And then people were getting like little pizzas and like sandwiches. And I was like, what's going on? Yeah, like lasagna, whatever, yeah. And then people were getting like little pizzas and like sandwiches. And I was like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah, it's really weird. It's very weird. It's very strange to come back to that. I mean, it's the Starbucksification of the chain to some degree, right?

Starting point is 01:15:36 It's like, we got it. We want this to be into a full service. But Starbucks doesn't carry like an irresistible roast beef sandwich. No, but their pizza is weird. You guys are being too hard. I loved my seafood platter. It was really good.

Starting point is 01:15:47 I had to get something in. I was coughing so much. Do we have any cough drops for you? Anybody have cough drops in your hands? Do we have any back there? Like cough drops in? Does anybody have cough drops? Just throw it up on stage, would you?

Starting point is 01:16:04 Throw cough drops. Usually I get hit in the, would you? Throw cough drops at him. Usually I get hit in the head when this happens, so I'm gonna... Wait, is it wrapped? I trust you. Is that from Richard? Sorry. We have a friend in the cast named Richard. You guys know Richard? The one with the lozenges?

Starting point is 01:16:26 Here's the thing, and we encountered this as well. Tim Hortons is trying to drive you to their app so much that trying to navigate their website on mobile is a nightmare. Tim Hortons is going to be driving anywhere. Yeah, there you go. He's back, baby! The lawsuits just working! The lawsuits just working, baby. Wow. With a vengeance.

Starting point is 01:16:51 Looks like this date is going swimmingly. He never said the date was over. We didn't pick an end time. So as far as I'm concerned, we just added more to the mix. You are married to my friend. And that's his problem, isn't it? Is the farmer's wrap a breakfast item or a lunch item? I can't find this shit.

Starting point is 01:17:11 Not Nick trying to keep us on track. Guys, we're here to talk about food. I can't find this thing. Sausage, right? There was sausage in it? What else was in the farmer's wrap? Is that what it was? There was sausage in it? Sorry, sausage. There's a little hash brown strip in it. It has to sausage in it. Sorry. Sausage. There's a little hash brown strip. Oh, that sounds good.

Starting point is 01:17:26 Eggs. Cheese. And the wrap. That's fantastic. Yeah, I mean, like, look, the wraps I had were a little anarchic. I had the lunch wraps, though, like we had the buffalo chicken one. And what was the other one we had in the chicken Caesar one? The chicken Caesar. No, no, sorry, just the chicken classic. Just the chicken classic. And those are both like kind of like they have like rice in them.

Starting point is 01:17:52 They have a bunch of components that they don't quite understand what they're in there. Just like a whole leaf of romaine like pressed against one half of the tortilla. I will say I was very terrified about that. Yeah. Buffalo chicken wrap because I tore it in half and I was like, why is there rice in here? Yeah. And then I took like a very small bite and I was like, this is fucking delicious. I wanted to dump it out into a bowl and eat it.

Starting point is 01:18:14 And then someone said that you can get that ordered as a bowl. I really liked it. Yeah. In a pinch, that's not terrible fast food. It's rice, chicken. There's like some semblance of vegetables in there. There were like little pieces of cucumber and lettuce and tomato.

Starting point is 01:18:29 I was like, this isn't bad. I think I was the only one that wasn't crazy about it just because, you know, if you're going to put rice in something, you got to give me a heads up. You know what I mean? At any meal. You got to let me know that rice is coming. That's tiny. I could choke. I need to know. Has it been rinsed? I need to know. it been rinsed I need to know why do you think corporations are gonna text you or let you know because I sign up for it that's why I tear it open I'm never gonna bite

Starting point is 01:18:56 a burrito from the butt end without knowing what's going on right side it was good I liked it I would I would eat one of those for lunch, in a pinch, in a pinch. And I will say, I had an airport breakfast burrito this morning that was the, like, if I'd had, I would have killed for a Tim Hortons tier breakfast as opposed to that. The airport breakfast burrito I had was so, it was so flavorless.

Starting point is 01:19:27 It was like eating a paper towel roll. And I doused it with hot sauce to try to bring it to life, but it was disgusting. Like I hated it. It was just like, I'm just eating it because I need anything in my body for my one meal before I eat Tim Hortons. And yeah, so from that standpoint,

Starting point is 01:19:44 I do think there are items that work. I did think the soup, what I had of it was tasty. I thought that was like, that's a quality soup, that's like a Panera tier or maybe a little better than Panera tier soup, which for a chain restaurant, that's not bad. The flatbread was exeggible. I thought it was truly putrid. Mitch, you liked one of them. I didn't like any of it. Embarrassingly bad. The cheese pizza I thought was okay.

Starting point is 01:20:13 No. No. He goes. He's like, no, this isn't bad. I am not joking. Three minutes later, he was like, sweating. I agree. I ate the chicken parm pizza and I told you, I don't know if I'm just sweating. I agree. I ate the chicken parm pizza, and I told you, I don't know if I'm gonna barf or shit. And I said, and thank you for this lovely date. The chicken parm pizza was the worst thing I ate.

Starting point is 01:20:35 I didn't try it. It was awful. The visual alone looked like vomit on a flatbread. It tasted like vomit. Like a gnarly looking. Jesus Christ. Gnarly. You know, it was disgusting. It was gross. It tasted like vomit. Fucking gnarly looking. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Gnarly. You know, it was disgusting. It was gross.

Starting point is 01:20:48 It was bad. It was like licking a garbage pail kid. Disgusting. Licking a garbage pail kid? I said what I said. Hey, anything goes up north, am I right? Really, really nasty. According to Drake, yes. I walked into that. That one was on me.

Starting point is 01:21:13 Why are they walking on eggshells about Drake? Who gives a shit about Drake? They like Drake! You like Drake? I asked Waggar, I was going to take a piss on his house, this is real. You can do that? Remember I texted you I was going to do a video where I was going to pee on his house, and then you were like, you shouldn't Remember I texted you, I was in a video where I was gonna pee on his house and then you were like, you shouldn't do that. You should not do that, there's cameras everywhere.

Starting point is 01:21:29 I didn't text you this? No, you texted someone else, who were you texting? I don't know. I told someone about this. Were you texting a different wiger? Mitch? I'll find out. A different Nick?

Starting point is 01:21:43 I'm searching piss. Okay, great. Oh, are you making sure that McDonald's didn't steal your piss? While Mitch collapses, I will stay from the doughnut side. Again, low expectations for doughnuts. Can I tell you what came up for first? Yeah, please. For pissed?

Starting point is 01:22:06 No. I'm pissed I can't get Taco Bell you're a delight. Here's some stuff about a-ha. No, are you just going to read piss text? This is a text about Toronto. The city smells like piss and shit. Wow. Yeah, we literally have the cleanest city. You might actually be miserable. Yeah, I do. It might be the case. You call me a hater on set, and I think you're right.

Starting point is 01:22:52 I couldn't find it, but I think I did tell you. Did I tell you a hater on set? Yeah, you're right, though. You can be a little grumpy, a little cynical. And I will say that I mean this in a pot, like part of that is because you have you want things to Be good like you want like you have high expectations for instance for like art You love movies you so you want you have high standards for what is a good movie. I wanted to be good tonight Yeah

Starting point is 01:23:21 I Gotta say this I had some I I liked everyone says that the donuts are bad at Tim's. No, that's what I was about to say. I was about to get into the maple Canadian donut I had. I love a maple donut, it was delicious. And Mitch, you were gonna get into a donut of your own. I loved every donut I had. I thought they were good.

Starting point is 01:23:37 Except for the Blue Jays donut, and I'm not saying that as a bit. The Blue Jays donut sucked. Oh my god, we have a bunch of donuts! That's the Cruller, yes! Wow. Okay, there are a bunch more donuts Emma has brought out. Thank you Emma. Thanks Emma!

Starting point is 01:23:56 Oh my god, I'm so happy. Wow. Okay, this is why I'm really excited about the donuts. And Emma asked if it was the one I was talking about. Because one of the donuts, and we got it was the one I was talking about because One of the donuts and we got it the honey crueller. I don't know if anybody likes I knew I could trust my own. Oh, I just did the pose Donald Trump did after he got almost got assassinated Why why get near me?

Starting point is 01:24:32 Why? Why continue to get near me? That's it. That's it. Okay. So it's the Honeycurler, and yes, Stephanie wasn't with us earlier, and we got it. And when I got here and I met Stephanie and we were talking about the donuts and I flipped out, I was like, I can't believe I didn't bring her one. I was so obsessed. She didn't get to try it because it's not my favorite Tim Horton's donut, it's my favorite donut, like overall. Yeah. It's so good, and you guys got to try it, and I believe you both liked it. I loved it. Yes!

Starting point is 01:24:53 I thought it was delicious, because I like the maple donut, because it's sweet, but it's sweet in a specific way, it's sweet in a donut-y way, and the honey curler accomplishes the same sort of thing. It's so, okay, wait, uh-oh. See? Does not look like a good reaction. Let her breathe.

Starting point is 01:25:07 Uh-oh. It's so sweet. It is very sweet. I don't eat a lot of sugar. I don't eat a lot of processed sugar. A barf. It's very sweet, wow. In a good way?

Starting point is 01:25:21 I mean, I would, I'll say this. If I was by myself having a coffee and this in the morning, I would be really satisfied. This is a very satisfying donut situation. Like experience. Yeah. The texture's nice. It's like crusty, sugary crusty.

Starting point is 01:25:41 But then the donut underneath is also kind of like hearty, kind of like the old fashioned, like there's density to the bread. It smells really good. It smells like honey, which I didn't expect. I kind of was like, okay, honey doughnut, sure. But it really smells like honey. It's very sweet. Like I know my three-year-old would be like,

Starting point is 01:26:06 blah, blah, blah, blah, like she would love this. Yeah. Yeah, this is the thing, like, they're not messing around with the sugar at Tim Hortons. Now, I can handle it with the pastries. I can handle it with the donuts. The drinks are another story. Here we go.

Starting point is 01:26:18 So, we experienced the double-double coffee, I believe, for the first time. Woo! Wow, the double double coffee, I believe for the first time. Wow. The double double. You guys like your sugar here. Yeah. You like your maple syrups. You like your sugar. You like your sweet, sweetie sweets. That shit is so fucking sugary. It's too much.

Starting point is 01:26:41 It's so sugary. But here's the thing. They're really smart smart because you have a sip and you're like, fuck, it's so sugary. I'm gonna have some more. Yeah, you gotta drown it out. Fuck, it's so sugary. I'm gonna have a little bit more. It was back there in the green room

Starting point is 01:26:55 when I was like, this is fucking disgusting. I saw that change as it happened. Yeah, you watched me do it. I mean, look at me, here I go, and there's another little bite. I don't eat a lot of processed sugar. Me neither, I never touch the stuff. Great. I almost fell off my chair. The Double Double reminds me of a Dunkin' Donuts regular coffee and I liked it quite a lot. And it even said DD because it's a double double. And you know what?

Starting point is 01:27:29 I might try a triple triple before I get out of this. Wow. Go midge. What? That guy really likes you guys. I think he said give the fork review. I think he wants to get on with the show. You're almost at 90 minutes.

Starting point is 01:27:47 This sucks. Yeah, I mean, like, just speaking of the sweetness and speaking of the liquid sugar, so we got the strawberry watermelon drink and then also the orange peach drink. Those are both way too sweet for me. Okay, but Stephanie found a hack. What is the hack? I cut it with a sparkling water back there. I like poured a bunch of sparkling water

Starting point is 01:28:06 and then like a doop of that, whatever that was. The refresher. I think that's what you need to do with the refresher because like just straight through the straw is like, I need the sweetest level to be halved or quartered. It is punishing. It's Kool-Aid without a broken wall. Right.

Starting point is 01:28:21 Yeah. What? But it would be great with like vodka or tequila. Without a broken wall? Yeah, because he's always like, Kool-Aid without a broken wall. Yeah. What? But it would be great with vodka or tequila. Kool-Aid. Without a broken wall? Yeah, because he's always like, Kool-Aid. No, no, I get it. I know what you're saying.

Starting point is 01:28:32 Yeah, but did you hear it? Blah. That's how you go through a wall. But you guys, this is delicious. No, yeah. It is. You see why I like her so much. She knows.

Starting point is 01:28:42 But I know myself, and in about 10 minutes, I'm going to like her so much. She knows. But I know myself, and in about 10 minutes, I'm gonna be like, pew! Like, I'm absolutely not gonna be able to shut up. That's a good thing, because Nick and I are just bombing our way through this show, but. Wait, I have to ask, is this a bomb?

Starting point is 01:28:55 Does it feel like a bomb to you? No, actually, this is probably the best show we've ever had. I thought I was doing great, yeah! Yeah! Yeah, Toronto! Toronto, we're doing a whole month of this bullshit. That's right.

Starting point is 01:29:09 Should we say, do people not want us to say the hard T on Toronto? Should we say Toronto? Toronto. Toronto. But for our portmanteau, Toronto or Toronto? No, that's cute. All right, we'll keep it like that. All right, great. I'll say the tea. Thank you. Wow. No, no.

Starting point is 01:29:29 I won't say the tea. You shouldn't have opened it up to the audience. I just don't, I don't know, Mitch. You know what was actively bad? The black coffee. It was actively bad. Yeah. And I think it was Richard,

Starting point is 01:29:43 one of our castmates on Twisted Metal that was like, it's bad. It's really bad. I was like, great, I'm going to order it. Yeah, he was right. It was fucking swill, man. It was not good. I will say this, the quenchers after I drank a sip of the quenchers and then I had a double double, the double double tasted like water because the quenchers were so sweet or freshers or whatever they're called. And the the pumpkin spice. Oh,'re called. Oh yeah, whatever.

Starting point is 01:30:05 And the pumpkin spice. Oh my god, that sucks. Oh my god. Capu, what the fuck is it called? Ice cap, you fool. Ice cap, the pumpkin spice ice cap. What is the ice cap exactly? It's an ice cappuccino.

Starting point is 01:30:18 It's like slushy-y, yeah. Ew. It was such a strong pumpkin flavor. Yeah, it really was and it wasn't even like Okay, this is what it was like. It was like you put a straw in a pumpkin. You called it a day Yeah, it was like sipping butternut squash soup. Yeah, it was like it wasn't even like oh, it's too sweet No, no, no Yeah, sounds actually pretty good They're making it sound better than it was.

Starting point is 01:30:46 Yes. But putting a straw in a pumpkin is better than what that was. Yes, that was really disgusting. Look, there were a few things I really, really detested, but there was a lot of stuff that I overall enjoyed. Hey, buddy, I guess I'm weird. I guess I'm kind of dark, because Halloween is my favorite holiday.

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Starting point is 01:35:40 I'm going to have you set a baseline. We're going to go around. We're each going to give our closing thoughts on importance and give it a fork score from zero to five The knife seated to my left will begin with you well After visiting Tim Hortons With you guys this afternoon and after being born here and raised on Tim Hortons my entire life. I Can say I now know why I moved. It's not that I don't like Tim Hortons, it's that I don't like Tim Hortons. The quality has gone down. The people

Starting point is 01:36:17 are there, but they don't care. They're there because they have to be. It's the only coffee option available. It's everywhere. So you got to have it. But if given the choice, I would just have water. You know? So that's going to be, oh, yeah, you guys do forks, not knives. Yeah. OK. Let me think.

Starting point is 01:36:38 OK, this is how I'll do it. I would give it five knives because that means it's bad. And I'm going to give it two good forks. Two forks? Two forks, five knives. Two good forks. Two forks. Because I like some stuff too. I like some stuff as well.

Starting point is 01:36:56 Like the honey crueller is perfect. It's perfect. So that's a fork right there. Is there a, like in your memory, is there a previous Tim Hortons where you're like, this was a three fork Or this was a four fork. So like you're looking ten years back 15 years back Yes, my hometown in orange roll where they baked it Yes, where they baked all the goods there and the cookies were massive peanut butter cookie massive and an egg salad sandwich And an egg salad sandwich. Yes, which was my favorite which which isn't there anymore. RIP egg sandwich.

Starting point is 01:37:26 So this is a place that has declined. Has declined much like me. That seems to be the consensus. Oh Mitch didn't say anything in my defense. You're better than ever! Oh my god! Stephanie, your closing thoughts on Tim Hortons, your four score from zero to five.

Starting point is 01:37:48 Oh my god, I'm gonna fly through the roof. Like I feel, you can't see it, but my leg is like under the table. I would say for the savory, and I'm gonna separate the savory from the sweet. For the savory, I would, do you hear that? Yeah, your leg is. It's real, she's not doing that on purpose. Wow. I would give the savory from the sweet. For the savory, I would, do you hear that? Yeah, your leg is. It's real, she's not doing that on purpose.

Starting point is 01:38:08 Wow. I would give the savory like two and a half, like two forks and two tines, I guess, because that chicken, buffalo chicken thing was quite tasty. I hope I don't kill you from this podcast. Oh my God, I feel, I honestly feel like I'm gonna fucking have a heart attack right now.

Starting point is 01:38:26 Okay, thank god. I wanna run around the stage. I need to stand up. What's happening? I think I would give the honeycruelers specifically, I would give five forks. That's my girl. But as a whole, I would give Tim Hortons maybe like two forks. Two forks, wow. Here we go.

Starting point is 01:38:48 Yeah. Here we go. The coffee is like not doing it. And I love coffee. But the honeycruel is, wow. Welcome to my world. Oh my god. How do you do this?

Starting point is 01:39:02 I wake up. People eat it, like like all the time? Like what is, my heart rate is like, I can feel my heart beating like in my forehead. They eat, they do eat this all the time. This is crazy, man. And this is a part of my review. Is this why they're so nice?

Starting point is 01:39:16 Like they're just like, meh! They are not nice, first of all. They're nice, they're really nice. They talk a lot of shit behind your back though. Whoa. Second of all, you all like Tim Hortons. Yes, you do. You're lying to me.

Starting point is 01:39:33 Think about it. Just think about it for a second. You like it. Mitch, you don't have to like everywhere you go, OK? I'm here, aren't I? I'm kidding. I was so happy when they asked me. You have no idea.

Starting point is 01:39:47 I have to move around a little bit. Stephanie's leaving. Stephanie is standing, moving around the stage. We took bets on you leaving the show much earlier. I feel gritty inside. Tim Hortons is good. No, fuck you! Don't try to get them back now.

Starting point is 01:40:07 I'm not, it's done, it's over. I like Tim Hortons. And that's okay. Wow. I like it. I'm not pandering, I like Tim Hortons. Wow. You know what?

Starting point is 01:40:23 Sparky did tell me, well Sparky also did tell me that the beans, they took the beans. Okay. But then Sparky also told me that Mrs. Horton was left with like so little money. And I don't know if that was true or not. I'm sorry, is Sparky okay? You guys, what's going on?

Starting point is 01:40:40 Sparky rules, but he might not know anything. He was telling me a bunch of stories. I don't know if any of them are true. He was talking shit! He was talking shit! He was talking shit behind people's backs. I think a lot of myths about Tim Hortons have circulated. I actually didn't look into what happened

Starting point is 01:40:54 to Tim Hortons estate. I would not be shocked if someone else profited more off of his name than he ever did. I mean, that's the tale of the oldest time. I like how Tim Hortons lived. I like how he died. Oh no, no, no. In that horrible car accident.

Starting point is 01:41:11 He was a trailblazer for guys like me. Well, what would you guys do if I just, like, shot into the sky? For the rest of the... That's how I feel. I love that I apologize to Stephanie for not getting her the doughnut, and now I'm gonna have to apologize for giving her the donut. I'm sweating. I feel crazy inside. We sadly, we're not affected by this. I felt my heart pump for the first time in like a week.

Starting point is 01:41:36 What are you on? Beat per minute? The doctor's happy. I'm gonna be I'm a beat per minute now. I do. I can feel my pulse like it's okay. Give your forks. I'm sorry. It's okay. It's okay. I'm a willing participant. I'm sorry. I like the podcast. I listen to the podcast and stuff. You know what I mean? Just please don't die on my, this can't be my fault. I like Tim Horton, I like the, like I said, I like the way he lived, I like the way he died. I, and you know what? I like his donuts. It reminds me of Dunkin' Donuts.

Starting point is 01:42:15 They put DD on the cap of the double double. It reminds me of Dunkin' Donuts. I know that maybe it's not as good as you once had, but the farmer's wrap is fantastic. All the donuts I had were good. I like the coffee. I like coffee like this. I like it better than fucking Starbucks. It's a lot better. I like it and the ice cap is good. You're chugging water. This is bad. Hamilton is a hard-working city-wise. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Can they bring you a tiny fan to help your sweat? You know what, I'm like, that's what they're experiencing next door in the steel mills in Hamilton. Tiny fan?

Starting point is 01:43:08 This guy's drowning in towels. And you know what? Oh my God, I just chugged that whole water. Oh my God. The price is right. Am I gonna die? Amelia's brought in another water, there you go. I'm not gonna help.

Starting point is 01:43:22 Look. Stephanie's last credit, one of her best, Doughboyz Live. Something you can be proud of for your last credit. It's true, it's true. It's the prices, our working class prices. Me and the boys from the mill, we can go down. I'm going to fucking.

Starting point is 01:43:43 Come on, boys. Come on, boys. Come on, boys. Tim's on me, boys, let's go. I'm driving. No, you're not. You have a driver. You literally have a driver. Sparky's driving.

Starting point is 01:44:01 And you know what? If you all look in your souls, you know that you like Tim's too. You're lying to yourself. Five fucking forks. Wow. Fuck you. Oh my god. Out, out, out, out.

Starting point is 01:44:19 Out, it's out, out. Yeah. Wow. Oh my god. Out, out, out, out. Yeah! He got the towels! Fuck the maple leaves. Fuck all of you. There is a back entrance. No, no.

Starting point is 01:44:40 I'm sorry, did you say maple leaves, as in the team, or the leaf? Maple leafs. Sorry, I forgot they spell it wrong Go Bruins fuck you five forks I miss when he was joking Mitch with the go-home heat, but you're going to be up here for another few months. What are you doing to yourself? Yeah, I'm going to get my ass kicked probably. Not if the boys from Hamilton got my back.

Starting point is 01:45:16 Look, we're up against the clock, so I'll keep my thoughts quick. Oh my god. I mentioned multiple people are dying on stage. Time is flying. I mentioned that my first time in eating Tim Hortons was at in Saskatoon with the two of you, and also with our friend and Pasto Boys double guest and Edmonton resident Nick Ross, and Nick sent me his thoughts on Tim Hortons and I want to read some of these now because I think this is honestly speaks to sort of where the national character is or the national consensus is on this chain. It used to be so much better. Fresh donuts made in-house and good breakfast

Starting point is 01:46:02 sandwiches but it got bought by foreign investment and now everything is shipped in frozen They are actively getting in their own way with revamped items that have no business being there like flatbread pizzas It used to be the most Canadian chain, but now I feel like A&W Canada is just so much better in every way Wow And we can't I believe the number four chain restaurant in terms of locations in Canada now. It's a restaurant that really needs to go back to basics because even people I know prefer McDonald's coffee and coffee was supposed to be the thing they were known for. They took the beans.

Starting point is 01:46:34 Nothing about the beans theft. Nothing about the beans theft is in here, Mitch. They used to have an annual contest called Roll Up the Rim to Win. Oh! Where you could win by rolling up the paper rim of your cup to see if there was a prize and they linked that to a digital app and took the joy from it. It's the wave of the future, back off.

Starting point is 01:46:57 Kills me because I wish Tim Hortons was good enough that it would be a recommendation for any foreigner coming to Canada, but it isn't. But also in a sense, it is, because it's so ubiquitous and it's so Canadian. And so I think this belongs right in the middle of our bell curve. I think, nah, slightly below the middle of our bell curve. I think Tim Hortons, as it currently stands, is better than Starbucks, low bar. Maybe a little better than Dunkin' overall. No fuckin' way.

Starting point is 01:47:28 And I think it deserves two and a half forks. Here we go, much more reasonable. All right. We gotta scoot stuff. We're gonna decide if it's worth putting in your mouth and snack or whack. Now look, here's the thing. We can't review every Canadian chain,

Starting point is 01:47:45 but there is a pretty big one we wanna acknowledge. Oh my god. Stephanie's gonna move around. We have more sugar coming, and you have no obligation to have any of it, but we do wanna acknowledge a big one, Beaver Tales. Beaver Tales was a Canadian pastry chain founded in 1978 that has a distinct signature, I guess, torso-sized pastry that we're going to taste test.

Starting point is 01:48:07 Are we really going to eat that right now? We can have some. You can have a bite, or you also don't have to have any. Anyway, to bring out some Beaver Tales, please welcome Amelia Marino. Yay! Thank you, Amelia. Wow, beaver tails. I guess these are a little bit, this is more like the size of a Nintendo Switch, I guess, in terms of scale. You're saying it's not as big as a beaver's tail?

Starting point is 01:48:38 Wait a minute. What is this? I guess it is the size of a beaver's tail. I don't know. I've never seen a beaver in person. Not from here. If you're from here, you've seen a beaver in person for sure. What are you going to say? I was going to say that this crowd gets a treat.

Starting point is 01:48:56 They get to watch the Doughboys eat beaver for the first time. I like it. How am I doing? Wait, where did Amelia go? You'll get there. Amelia, come back out here. Amelia, thank you so much for all of your help. Thank you for being up here in Toronto. It is your actual birthday today.

Starting point is 01:49:27 Yes it is. Wow. Wow. Well, well, well. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Amelia happy birthday to you Emma's brought out a beaver tail with Thank you guys. This is too nice.

Starting point is 01:50:05 Thank you. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Thank you so much. Thank you everyone. That's too sweet. Do you know what? Know what I bet you wished for?

Starting point is 01:50:14 For Frankenstein to be okay. That is true. That is so true. Thank you guys. We're gonna eat that later. Thank you everyone. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Starting point is 01:50:24 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I don't think you should take a bite of these. I'm on the come down now. Like, now I feel like... Okay. A perfect time to eat more sugar. Yeah, I can't wait. We have a regular beaver tail.

Starting point is 01:50:36 We have a... This looks like some sort of Oreo cookie. This is like a vanilla and chocolate. And then we've got a... What the fuck is this? Oh, that's the strawberry cream cheese. This is the strawberry cream cheese. That's the chocolate. And then we've got a, what the fuck is this? Oh, that's the strawberry cream cheese. This is the strawberry cream cheese that's right here. And what is that one?

Starting point is 01:50:48 This looks horrible. This looks like shit. Yeah, it looks like shit. Okay. I'm not gonna lie. Right, so we got a dog shit one as well. Yeah. I just took a take. Did we order the dog shit one? We ordered the dog shit one. Oh, man. They were out of cat shit is the thing.

Starting point is 01:51:02 That was our first choice. Are you sure? I mean. It does look, it looks like fair food. That looks really unappetizing, but that one might be good. I would not be shocked if that was like secretly good. There's little bits of toffee on it or something. Yeah, it might be good. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Starting point is 01:51:17 All right, we're gonna do this now. I'm eating the birthday one. Sorry, Amelia. Alana, you enjoy Beaverdale. You like the Beaverdale. I do. My favorite is the original one that's like cinnamon and sugar that Mitch is having. Sometimes people put lemon on it.

Starting point is 01:51:31 Anybody hear of it? That's fun. Yeah, lemon. It's really good. I find, because you know, these are pretty thin, so I find when it has too many toppings, it falls apart and it's too gooey, and then I'm too concerned about the mess to enjoy myself. So me, I'm too concerned about the mess to enjoy myself. So me, I'm keeping it clean. Sticking with the original.

Starting point is 01:51:50 That cinnamon sugar one is just kind of like a flat churro. That's exactly what I was about to say. We have fun. That is exactly what I was about to say. We have fun up here. I like it. Yeah, we'll do it our way. We'll flatten out anything. We don't care. We really don't. Mitch, you look like something? Are you okay?

Starting point is 01:52:09 You all right? I don't want to eat any of the beaver tail. Surprise, surprise. Am I right? Well, well, well. No, that's not what this is. I do this all the time. You don't have to, Mitch. I just feel so sick from Tim Horton's earlier. Well, don't, yeah, if you're not feeling great, don't do it. You gave it five!

Starting point is 01:52:31 It was good! It's good! Honestly, I love the place. I'm going to puke, but I love the place. What is that on there? This is a nightmare to try to saw through. It's not, uh. That's what I'm saying, you have to pull it apart. There's no other way to do it.

Starting point is 01:52:50 This isn't like a sharing thing. No, that's the thing. It's just like you're grabbing it, and then this thing's just like coated with toppings. My hands are just gonna get, uh. I'm just taking bites out of each of them. So goopy. Did you remember, I can't remember what it was called.

Starting point is 01:53:03 It was a chain in the US called Godfather's Pizza? Yeah, Godfather Pizza. Herman Cain worked at it. It just tastes like a dessert pizza. That was his company, yeah. Yeah. Herman Cain, who had a Quixotic presidential run back in 2012 maybe, and yeah,

Starting point is 01:53:16 he was the godfather of Godfather's Pizza. That was his company. They're pretty fucking good, honestly. Can I try that one too, sorry. I've enjoyed one of Eaton's. I've changed my mind, I wanna try each one, honestly. Can I try that one too? Sorry. I've enjoyed one of Eaton. I've changed my mind. I want to try each one, please. Wow.

Starting point is 01:53:28 We should say we got to take the Metro over here, which I really enjoyed. I'm very happy to hop on the Choo Choo. Alana, you were an able guide on the subway. Very, very fun. We had one point where we went out of a tunnel and we went into greenery and it was very lush. It was beautiful.

Starting point is 01:53:43 I was like, oh, how fun is this? We had another bit of fun, which is there's a stop called Castle Frank, which Mitch and I were both delighted by. I loved it. And then we also, we talked about how Frankenstein lives there. That's where his castle is. Yeah. He got in an accident driving home. Old Frankenstein's castle. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:54:10 But then you said that, Alana, this is kind of a known stop because people have some affection for it because no one goes there. Yeah. So it's just one of those stops that's just there. And there's some of these in LA, like Metro System, too, that's just like, it doesn't seem like anyone ever gets on or gets off, but it's just part

Starting point is 01:54:25 of the system. Did you see anyone get on or off? No. Well Frankenstein lives there they're probably scared. Didn't have any torches or pitchforks. I was I was tickled by that I was delighted to go by Castle Frank. Me too I loved it, Wax. Because, I mean, and I gotta be honest, part of my affection for it was... My full legal name is Nicholas Frank Weiger. And sometimes I go by Frank, which means it's time for this week in Canadian hot dog news and another edition of Let Me Be Frank. Hot dog simmer in the city, great a my grill getting greasy and gritty. Toast bun, donut looks pretty, sucking on a dog like you're sucking on a titty Pork and beef, sausages and lard bread Rolling on a roller grill, must've named really

Starting point is 01:55:32 One bite is a different world Swap dog bites with a girl Munch on munch on and chomp all night Despite the farts it'll be alright That taste when the casing has snapped Later that day you'll sure for sure have to nap As it simmers in the city like you're sucking on a titty. You ain't nothing but a hot dog frying all the time. You ain't nothing but a hot dog frying all the time. You ain't never been a burger and you ain't no lunch of mine they said you a sandwich well that was just a lie

Starting point is 01:56:12 they said you a sandwich just a fun around a weiner so you should not qualify If you could eat my Frank Wikes What a taste that dog would have Just like in old time Frankfurt One you get from a baseball game. In a bun so soft, with a mustard squirt and onions diced on top, you know that Frank's for me. And it will never be for free As long as it's a Frank that you eat

Starting point is 01:57:33 In this society, is this where we're eating? The only frankfurter that's available to us? My plan is a wiener people can dream about. A hot dog opolis. When a fast food empire dies, does it collapse in one terrible E. coli poisoning scandal? No, but there comes a meal when people no longer eat there. Imagine today's society as a sausage link of civilization about to reach a burnt end. Don't let the chow destroy the Frank ever. ["The Frank Ever"]

Starting point is 01:58:13 ["The Frank Ever"] ["The Frank Ever"] ["The Frank Ever"] What about those standing in your way? ["The Frank Ever"] ["The Frank Ever"] Who like their hot dog the way it is? Good question, live audience member. When we ask these questions about the menu, when there's a dialogue about specials and substitutions,

Starting point is 01:58:41 that basically is food Foodtopia. Directed by Frankfurter Ford Doggala. Wow. Frankfurter Ford Doggala. Yeah, Frankfurter Ford Doggala. In case you didn't hear it, Frankfurter Ford Doggala. Guys, that was exceptional. It really was. It was so entertaining. I have to say, Mitch, you knew it. You knew the song. You knew it.

Starting point is 01:59:17 I pulled out the lyric. Look, I'll be honest with you. This morning it was gonna be a Dr. Evil monologue. And then Wig said, we gotta do Megalopolis. And I said, have fun buddy. So things switched up a little bit. But you know what, people liked it. You've got the voice of an angel. Thank you. You have a lovely singing voice. And I know you love Gordon Lightfoot.

Starting point is 01:59:43 I love Gordon Lightfoot. Canada's own. Here we go. Lord's Gold. You got me listening to Gordon Lightfoot. I'll get you listening to Rush. Stephanie asked me what's going on. Fair question. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I teenage like, wah! No, but in Stephanie's defense, it came out of nowhere.

Starting point is 02:00:07 I mean, it just came out of nowhere. I was like, what, beta, alpha, alpha, alpha? And then when you went up and sang, I was like, wow, he's got such good range. Oh my God. I feel like that was an absolute motherfucking fever dream that I just witnessed. And I can't even, I don't know how to.

Starting point is 02:00:27 It's one of those things where you're like, this is incredible, I'm enjoying this, but. It keeps going. Isn't this a podcast? It's so long. Or do we need this? Yeah, one of those. It turns out this is all happening in Stephanie's mind during a sugar-induced coma. I would not be surprised.

Starting point is 02:00:43 I mean, wow. What an Elvis he does, huh? It was great. I like what he does. I mean, wow. What an Elvis he does, huh? It was great. I like what he does. How great was that? If the Colonel heard that, he would not be surprised that you were white, by the way. Yeah, he's white. Yeah, no, I know. Oh, the dough boys? Yeah, they're white. What are you talking about? So we're going to Google hot dogs.

Starting point is 02:01:01 You're going to tell me they're not white. They're white? I don't know why. For the 10 people that have seen the movie. Going hard on Michaelopolis and Bos Lerman's Elvis. Let's throw the whale in there while we're at it. All right, we got to, Mitch, we'll just do one each because we got to get to questions where we're going way too fucking long here. So yeah, we're searching for hot dogs on Google.

Starting point is 02:01:26 Hot dog, but Mitch, I think hot dog Canada. I think it's a Canadian thing. Before that, can I just tell you one of the first things that popped up? I have to tidy up now, because the sugar's still like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, so like, it didn't end it, I don't know how to do it. Oh, what's happening?

Starting point is 02:01:41 We're gonna look at articles, we're gonna Google, and you can read the read this out loud? You can read the first one out loud. I once snuck into a ditty party. Here's how I schmooze with the stars at events with naked women and the best hot dogs. That's in hot dog news. Wow. Hot dog news.

Starting point is 02:02:01 Missed that headline. Here's one, I searched, this is on my preferred search engine, Microsoft Bing. This is from the Daily Hive. I searched for Hot Dog Canada on news. Blue Jays fans eat obscene number of hot dogs, breaking a record. Wow. God bless. So proud. I'm with you guys. Over 700,000 loony dogs were consumed this season. Oh wait, they were only a loony?

Starting point is 02:02:28 Apparently, I don't know what the price. Is a loony dog a loony? Oh, a loony dog night. There's a loony dog night. I think it was against the Red Sox and a lot of people online said it was me that was doing this. And it wasn't me, just to be clear.

Starting point is 02:02:41 Were they at like a special price or something? Is that how they hit the? Yeah, it's apparently a promotion every Tuesday, $1 hot dogs, and it's they broke the record this season and on August 29th yeah, 76,627 hot dogs were sold during a single game

Starting point is 02:02:58 against the Washington Nationals. How about that? Wow, wow. I'm proud of you. Yeah. Maybe your greatest national achievement. How about that? Wow, wow. I'm proud of you. Yeah. Maybe your greatest national achievement. Yeah, the healthcare's pretty good. All right, we gotta take some questions, Mitch. Yeah, we're done.

Starting point is 02:03:12 That's Let Me Be Frank. That's an abrupt Let Me Be Frank, an abbreviated Let Me Be Frank. All right, Emma. What's up? Emma, who are we bringing out for questions? All right, I got Alyssa C. Benny, AKA Matthew B. and Connor M. if you want to come

Starting point is 02:03:25 meet me over in front of the stage. All right, walk on down to where Emma is right there and have your question locked and loaded and we'll get to you. That's so crazy because I'm seeing people walk out. There are people walking out. You can leave if you want to leave. You're not captain here. I saw one person go to the bathroom. If you wanna leave, we will remember what you look like, okay? All right, I got Alyssa here. I got someone walking right there. Oh, Alyssa, hi.

Starting point is 02:03:51 Hi, Alyssa. Hi, Alyssa. Hi, Doughboys. Hi, how you doing? What's your question? My question is, what is your number one Canadian snack that you are sneaking back over the border? This is a great question. And actually- Shreylas.

Starting point is 02:04:03 Just kidding. This tees me up to some degree because I'm going to allow every questioner, we are going to allow every questioner to rummage through this Nestle 50 box which has four different candies, Coffee Crisp, Kit Kat, Aero and Smarties. Very different from the American Smarties. American Smarties are like a fruit candy. This one is a chocolate candy. I like that Coffee Chris. That Coffee Christa is real good. We had those on set.

Starting point is 02:04:38 We have those on set. We do. They're quite delicious. They're very, very good. Alyssa, what's your answer? It's a Coffee Chris. It's a Coffee Chris. For you, Wags. Is that what you're taking? That's what I'm taking. It's a coffee, Chris. For you, Ike. Is that what you're taking?

Starting point is 02:04:45 That's what I'm taking. Take a couple if you want. Yeah. Treat yourself. My brother. Not too many, I need a few. Mitch, what do you, do you have a Canadian candy you really like?

Starting point is 02:04:58 Ricola. Ricola. I'm gonna take a Ricola back, thank you Stephanie. How long has it been since I ate the honey thing? Like five minutes? Yeah. I think. I feel sort of normal again. Now.

Starting point is 02:05:14 After we sang Let Me Be Frank. Yeah, but you put this back in a normal bar. I think, I mean, Coffee Crisp is the answer, right? Guys, Coffee Crisp is great. It's so distinct too. It doesn't just have to be a sweet like hello ketchup chips dill pickle. Oh boy I wasn't thinking about chips on all dress. What about um have you guys tried Maynard's wine gums? Maynard's Wine gums. I mean, the name alone. And that's how we say it. I had some Maynards at Beetlejuice too.

Starting point is 02:05:49 I had some Maynards. That's fun. Okay, name drop. Sorry, I didn't mean to name drop Beetlejuice. Two. Two, shit, I can't say it one more time. All dressed, I forgot about it. I loved all dressed chips.

Starting point is 02:06:03 Those are wonderful. They just do not exist in the states All right next question. Hi, what's your name? Connor hi Connor. Hi doughboys. Are you reading? What are you reading from? You're scaring us Book of Mormon. I didn't write the question by myself. Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay This is a cold other help you right in did your significant other help you? Pardon? Did your significant other help you? Yes.

Starting point is 02:06:26 Love this. She's the Doughboys fan, I'm the plus one. Wow. Here we go. This is a version of expectation. What do you think of the show so far? It's entertaining. Okay, all right.

Starting point is 02:06:38 That took a second. It's entertaining. Well, what happened is he looked at you and said, it's. He looked at Wigran said, uh, and then he looked at Stephanie and I and said, entertaining. Connor, what is the question? A bit long, sorry. OK.

Starting point is 02:06:56 OK, so Ricky from the Trailer Park Boys Famously loves chicken chips. And I have a text chain with an old co-worker where we exclusively send pictures of chicken chip flavors. The latest was a Subway at Teriyaki Chicken. So my question is what chicken preparation would you like to see in a chip form? For example, my is a chicken and waffles chips. Oh that's fun. Now is all that is coming from the voice of your significant other? We worked on it together.

Starting point is 02:07:28 Okay, got it. It's a collab. I'm sorry. I apologize. Collab, collab. That's a great question. Just help me wrap my mind around a chicken chip. This is like a potato chip. This is like a crisp with chicken flavor. Okay. So like I could say tandoori chicken chip. Oh, that's fun. There you go. I love that idea. Oh, no, that's not my mind say tandoori chicken chip. Oh that's fun.

Starting point is 02:07:45 There you go. You just love that idea. You got it. Oh no that's not mine. Mine's butter chicken. Chicken chip. Oh butter chicken's a great one. That would be mine.

Starting point is 02:07:53 Oh boy. I had a roti for the first time. Oh that'd be so good. That's so good. Yeah. Yeah. So good. They were good.

Starting point is 02:08:01 Yeah. It's like an Indian burrito. Yeah. It was good. They burrito. Yeah. It was good. They handed it to you, they said it was a low-t. So this is again, I think like the problem is when I love, fried chicken is my favorite food, I love just like a well-seasoned fried chicken, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 02:08:23 Like a Popeye's fried chicken, just salty, well seasoned fried chicken. You know what I mean? Like a Popeyes fried chicken, just like salty, savory. So as far as like a specific varietal, I guess I'd tend towards, I think I'd want something garlicky, maybe like a lemon pepper garlic, if that's an option. And I know that's a little specific, but I'm almost like, I feel like lemon pepper is like a little too, you know, on the nose. So I want to go at it from a different angle a little bit.

Starting point is 02:08:48 I might be overthinking it. Maybe I'll just say lemon pepper, but I think lemon pepper garlic gives it a little something. Jesus Christ. Don't you? That's the show, man. No, no, I know. I'm just reminded of it.

Starting point is 02:09:00 Here's the thing. I, like, I'm, you might be expecting something spicy because I'm a bit of a heat seeker, but I... Lemon pepper's pretty good, and then also at the same time you gotta worry about Dracula, so you gotta get garlic in there somehow. So, lemon pepper and garlic's kind of a good combo. You want fucking Dracula breathing down your neck when you're trying to munch on some crisps? Not down my neck! Yeah, it's the worst place you'd ever be.

Starting point is 02:09:23 Yeah, it's too sweaty, He's gonna slide right off. I'll stick with lemon pepper. I'll try to win the crowd back over, so Swiss chalet sauce pulled chicken chips. Incredible. You could have just said quarter chicken, but that's fine Do you know what spicy chicken sandwich I would do like hot and Nashville hot chicken? Oh, I love that. That's a lot of fun Yeah, I would maybe work best Wait, did you go on?

Starting point is 02:09:57 Hunter did you rummage? He didn't want one. You did your SO doesn't want a rummage. He was running away Okay Your SO doesn't want a rummage? He was running away. Yeah, your SO doesn't want a rummage. Your SO. Okay. Don't make that. Connor's leaving so they can go draft some more questions together. All right, one more question. This is Benny.

Starting point is 02:10:18 Hi, Benny. Hi, Benny. Hi, Doughboys and Knife and Stephanie. Hi. Finally. So I'm here with my friend Travis and my lovely partner Liza. Wow.

Starting point is 02:10:28 Who is almost 37 weeks pregnant. Wow! Yay! Congratulations! Can I have it now? Please don't have it now. Please don't, please don't. I'll cut the envelope on board.

Starting point is 02:10:42 Do you know anything about pregnancy? Like, do you know? It's close. It's not time. Okay, sorry, I don't. Do you know anything about pregnancy? Like, do you know? It's not time. Okay, sorry, I don't know too much. Keep it in. So my question is, if you can name your child after any chain restaurant, which one would you choose? Wow.

Starting point is 02:11:01 This is really, this is a really tough question because you want it to be also like a name. You know what I mean? I love In-N-Out Burger. Oh, old In-N-Out Weiger? That's the thing, a child name In-N-Out. Doesn't want to be reminded of how he was conceived. I think I have an answer, and it is a titan not just of my personal chain restaurant fandom, but also a titan of improv comedy. And where would we be without improv?

Starting point is 02:11:34 Thank you, Mr. Close. Thank you, Mr. Close. Thank you, Mr. Taco. Del Taco, my child, would be named Del. Del Weiger. Del Weiger. And then that also just because Dell Taco as a name makes no sense because it was shortened from Casa Del Taco to just Dell Taco, they Sean Parker'd it and now it's just is like of the taco

Starting point is 02:11:55 is like what the name of it means. So then you have like of the Weiger, which kind of makes sense. It's a child's name. Five Guy Mitchell. Ha ha a good one. Harvey Weinstein, very good name. No. I love it.

Starting point is 02:12:28 Benny, did one come to mind for you? Is there anything you're weighing? The only one I would name it after is Swish-A-Lay because it's a five fork restaurant. Wow. Whoa. Ah! Wow.

Starting point is 02:12:40 We'll see after I'm done with it. We certainly shall. Hey folks, that's our show. Thanks so much. Thank you, everyone. Stephanie Beatriz, Aletta Johnston, Emma Namelia. Thanks to everyone at the Danforth Music Hall. And now next time for this program at Mike Mitchell, I'm Nick Weiger. Happy eating.

Starting point is 02:12:57 Hey. The Thad Boys are back and you know they can never be back. The Thad Boys are back. Do you like it? The Thad Boys! The knife is here with the knife smaller now, mom. Yes, I am. Well, I'm the mom of for sure okay my I gave her a knife when she was one year old to cut her cake her birthday cake so it's true

Starting point is 02:13:32 and there's a photo of me holding a knife as a baby now mom what did you think about Tim Hortons well I have two two views on this I love Tim Horton I'm a big Tim Horton fan and I gotta you, the quality has gone down the drain. That's what I said. Yes, especially when they're giving me the cream in my coffee. I say half of a cream and it's so white. This is my third time hearing this story.

Starting point is 02:14:01 I need like 24 hours. But I still go there because I do believe they might change and get back to the 60s, you know. And mom, how do you feel about not being asked to be on the Doughboyz podcast? Very upset. Actually, furious. I am furious.

Starting point is 02:14:18 These people here. My only consulting expert. My dad, this is the night's dad. My biggest complaint with Tim Horton is they don't sell beer. That's not mine. Mine is I want quality. I want the quality I'm used to from the 70s. Speaking of quality, it's time to sign off. When I find myself with tummy grumbles Evan Susser comes to me We drive crazy fast to Mickey D's And when it's time to order she is standing right in front of me

Starting point is 02:15:00 Accidentally order hot dogs, Mickey D's Mickey D's, Mickey D's Fuckin' up at Mickey D's I'll just have a Fanta, Mickey D's Toronto! How's everyone doin'? It's your favorite Doughboyz guest Mike Hanford here to tell you about a show I have coming up at Comedy Bar on Bloor Street on October 5th right here in Toronto. Hey, that's coming up I'm gonna be doing two shows 7 p.m. And 9 p.m. And I'll be doing an hour of stand-up at both and Guess what? Toronto's very own Sarah Hennessey will be there opening for me, which is perfect because she's hilarious

Starting point is 02:15:46 So come on out October 5th at Comedy Bar. We're gonna have some fun. Mickey D's, Mickey D's, fucking up at Mickey D's. No eyes for that Fanta, Mickey D's. Yeah!

Doughboys - Toront-dough: Tim Hortons with Stephanie Beatriz and Alana Johnston

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