Doughboys - Tournament of Chompions: Carl's Jr./Hardee's v. In-N-Out Burger

Episode Date: March 17, 2016

Actor and comedian John Gemberling (Broad City) joins the 'boys for the first semifinal match of #MunchMadness 2016: The Tournament of Chompions, as 4-seed Carl's Jr./Hardee's has advanced to take on 1-seed In-N-Out Burger. Plus, Food Court is once again in session.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Southern California is ground zero for America's drive-in fast food culture, the birthplace of numerous now nationwide burger chains. Today, two SoCal Stowards from this burger mecca face off in a no holds barred meat melee. One challenger is now national and narrowly edged out fud rockers in the mild card round to advance to today's matchup. Its opponent has stayed local. The towering one seat, the charter member of the Platinum Plate Club, the iconic burger eatery that's as much a part of California culture as Sunshine and Surfboards.

Whoever wins will be our first finalist. This week on Doughboys, the first matchup of the Semi-Soft Finals round of Munch Madness 2016, the Tournament of Chompians, Burger Brawl, Four Seed, Carl's Jr. Hardee's, in and out burger. Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants. I'm Nick Weigher alongside my co-host, Mike Mitchell, The Spoon Man. How you doing, Mitch? Doing well.

You know those Mario sounds? They're all worth it when we get them in there, 30 seconds of fumbling. This was your idea, you told me to put in the Mario Kart sounds. It doesn't mean I can't criticize it. Alright, fine, you're just criticizing yourself. I just want to say, how to how to Spoon Nation, I should have warned my guests that I do that, and the most exciting part of the podcast, the anticipation building for your drop. I want to say one thing to the American people, I want you to listen to me, I'm going to say

this again, I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky, I never told anybody it's a lie, not a single time, never. There we go. Thanks to Houston Hardaway, at Houston Hardaway for that drop that we definitely can't play because it's the comedy bang bang opening theme. Yeah, you just set up some sort of legal battle between Feral Audio and rival podcast producer Earwolf. Dustin, give me a thumbs up if everything's alright.

It's alright. Okay, we're sitting pretty. Alright, before we introduce our guest, Mitch, we have some tournament business to attend to. On a recent episode, we had a mini-soad last week where we had Burger King versus Five Guys for the Eden into the Tournament of Chompians. Burger King advanced over my objections because Tournament Commissioner Evan Susser decided that that was the winner.

Then in our subsequent episode, our full episode, we threw Five Guys back into the mix. This was your suggestion, I think it was the right suggestion, I think it was the right move, and Five Guys ultimately triumphed. So we're now at a situation where... You cried and Five Guys got back in. Hey, you know what? Justice was done and that's what's important. But at this point, I'd like to get Tournament Commissioner Evan Susser on the phone in

front of the podcast and hear his input on this whole brouhaha. So let's dial him up now. He's really gotten himself involved in this podcast. Well, I think he does substantially more work than you do at this point. Well, it's a waste of time. His mouth is going to be full. Hey, Susser, how are you doing? You're on with me and Mitch.

Hi, guys. So... Go ahead. Am I on the air? You're on the air, yes. Okay, I've written a prepared statement, but I will read after which I'll take a few questions. Is that what the paper rustling is in the background? The actions taken by Mike Mitchell and Nick Wiger on the March 10th episode of Del Boyz

are unacceptable and require reprimand. Their blatant disregard for the rules of the Tournament of the Chompions is appalling. To overruled an episode's verdict, props the Tournament of Credibility and Threatens to Undermine the Legitimacy of the Eventual Winner's Title. All that says, while it is fully in my power as Commissioner to reverse the ruling of the episode, I will not. Wow. And that stays in the Tournament.

However, as a disciplinary action for the transgression, I am declaring an emergency mini-soap. Wait a minute. For five guys to fully advance to the semi-finals, it must defeat not Burger King, not Steak & Shake. Okay. But the newly opened in Los Angeles, Shake Shack. Wow. These rules have previously only allowed for reviewed restaurants to be entered into the

Tournament. Desperate times, call for desperate measures. That is all I will now accept questions. Wait. So, Susser, you're saying we have to do another mini-soap next week, where Shake Shack... Where Shake Shack will go up against five guys. The winner of that episode will proceed to the semi-finals. Susser, one possible issue, the addition of another Burger next week, may kill Mitch.

Again, desperate times, call for desperate measures. That's not the outcome that I hoped for this Tournament of Chombions. But Mitch, in many ways, will have done this to himself when he overturned the ruling of the last mini-soap. Jesus Christ. He's the only person I could ever sense sweating while reading a prepared statement. My phone is damp. I was not sweating.

I was only edging tears. Oh, that's what it was. Okay. I've been very distraught for the past week since hearing the episode. However you want to explain that wet ring around your neck. I did not ask for the responsibility of being commissioner. And I don't even know how you were giving it. But I do take it on proudly and willingly.

All right. And I know this is outside of my jurisdiction, but all of these people changing their reviews with Jefferson Dutton changing his reviews, Jack Allison. I mean, what's become of the whole podcast? Who gives a shit? The point is, you've got to go to Shake Shack before the next episode. Wow. Susser, I'd say tough but fair.

We'll see what we can do in terms of working out that mini-soad for next week. And at this point, I'm going to let you go. Any parting words? I think that this, while maybe a black guy on the tournament of Trumpians need not to find it, I think there's still a way to win back the integrity of this tournament and get behind an eventual winner that we can all feel good about. I feel like rather than get into endless bickering of taking back, oh, that doesn't count. That doesn't count.

Let's look forward all of us together. And I look forward to a great, exciting rest of the tournament. So good luck, guys. Wow. All right. Thanks, Susser. Thanks, Susser, I guess. What a way to start the episode.

It's 10 minutes of tinny iPhone, speaker. The lore of this podcast is getting very dense. I feel like you need to previously understand everything that's going on. Yeah, no, don't worry about it. Unsubscribe, if possible. All right. Let's introduce our guest. He's been sitting there very patiently.

All this bullshit has been going on. A hilarious actor and comedian from Broad City, from Marry Me. John Gemberling is here. Hi, John. Hi. Hey. What's going on? Hi, John.

Great to have you here. Hi, thank you. The funniest guys around. We're happy to have you. Oh, thank you so much. So tell me what... So Burger King beat five guys legitimately? Yeah.

I mean, it actually did beat... So it was myself and Nick and my Cassidy, and we all made votes. Well, this was... You're talking about the full episode. The mini sodas where Burger King won. Oh, that's right. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Burger King beat five guys.

Oh, I forget my own podcast. Burger King beat five guys. Mitch and I were at odds. We called the man. We just heard Evan Susser to issue a decision because Mitch chose Burger King. I chose five guys. That's right. Evan Susser put his thumb on the scale in favor of Burger King.

Burger King advanced. And then in that next episode, I was just... I threw up my hands. I guess I... Because you feel five guys is just objectively... I feel like five guys is clearly better than Burger King. And we threw it back into the mix. And when it was there, this was the episode with my Cassidy.

When it was comparison with Burger King and Steak and Shake, five guys ended up triumphing. So I think that was the right call. I think in the end, the victor was correctly anointed. Well, when Evan Susser puts his thumb on the scale, the scale probably breaks if I had a guess. But also, I think you might have had the right decision because I was talking to our guest beforehand. And John, you said that you agreed with the Burger King whopper beating five guys, correct? I don't... Did I load that up too much?

I don't know. I haven't had five guys recently enough to do a direct comparison. I do. I am a fan of the whopper, though. Yeah. I am a fan. Yeah, I feel like we kind of threw a bunch of people who agreed with the ruling under the bus. There was definitely more people who didn't like the ruling than did like the ruling.

I'll say that much. Sure. But... I've never focused on the quality of five guys as much as the preponderance of sauces. You know? A lot of options. Yeah, like I'm a big sauce guy, so if there's a lot of sauces to dip in, then I like that. Yeah, I feel like that's kind of a detraction from...

I think five guys is kind of like... It's just got your basic... It has hot sauce, but it has ketchup, mustard, and mayo. You can get like barbecue sauce and steak sauce. There are a few like... Yeah, but they don't have any special sauces. Yeah, they don't have like an equivalent of a Thousand Island or a McDonald's secret sauce, really. Do they have honey mustard?

I'm not sure if they have honey mustard. I don't think they do. And I also think that they don't... I don't think that they're... We talked about the mixture and the whopper of the mayo and the ketchup and the toppings, and I don't think they do as good of a job with that. I really, truly don't. It's kind of slopped together, but I think overall...

Maybe a little inconsistent, but I think overall it's a superior burger to Burger King, which I would argue is also slopped together and inconsistent. I think just not as well as good of an execution. I don't know. I think the whopper's pretty dependable. You can count on it. Look at the whopper. Yeah.

Ten times out of ten, you're going to find the same consistency of mayo to the ratio of the pickles and the general sort of flavorfulness. I can get behind that. I think some... I'll say the one attraction for Burger King is sometimes the lettuce can be not... I mentioned this before. The lettuce can be not as good sometimes, but I agree with you that I think that they usually got the right equation going on in the whopper.

Well, I think the whopper slash whopper with cheese are the ones they do with some consistency. But yeah, I feel like some of their other menu items just sometimes be a little scattershot. But what fast food chain... When you're looking at their fringe items, what's the dependable? That's a fair point. Whenever you go for the A1, Western, whatever they're trying out, you don't know what you're getting into. Nick is shaking right now because someone's calling out his decision.

That five guys, maybe isn't that great. As great as he thinks it is. I think it's better than Burger King. That ship has sailed. We're not here to resettle this case again. I love to speed. That's it. All right.

Well, John, I got a question for you. So you live in New York City for a stretch, correct? I grew up... Yeah, I lived there for 30 years. Oh, all right. You grew up there. So in the city, in New York is one of the best food cities that there is. What is your kind of go-to?

What do you like to eat there? Is it burgers? Is it pizza or what? I mean, yeah, all that. There was Jackson Hole. Did you ever hear of that place? I've heard of Jackson Hole, yeah. It was a burger place that was big when I was growing up.

There were a few locations. They made a really big burger. Yeah. They made one of those big, like, you're proud of yourself if you finished it kind of burgers. And so that... I really liked that as a little kid. And then I think their quality went down. Like, I ate there in my 20s and it was shitty.

But then when I was doing Atkins, I would order a bunless Jackson Hole with the Texan burger just so just meat, cheese, and an fried egg on top. That's funny. All three of us in this room have done some version of that Atkins diet. Yeah. I feel like everybody did. In like 2002, everybody was doing Atkins. Yeah.

I did mine this year. After a full decade of everybody being like, it's terrible for you, it doesn't work. Well, the funny thing is I just went to the doctor because I've been sick with a weird Colombian flu for a good month almost now. And they took blood to test me and they were like... And I had done the Atkins diet for like the last few months before this. I guess like October, November, December of this last year. And they were like, your cholesterol is like awful.

I had never... Yeah, I don't... Is the Atkins diet something that anyone recommends at this point? I'm not sure, but I've heard that it both elevates both good and bad cholesterol. So there's some undecided science in terms of how bad it is for you ultimately. Is it also terrible for your kidneys and stuff? I mean, I remember like my kidneys localized pain in my kidneys after like two months. That's always scary when you can feel an organ hurting in your body.

Yeah, jeez. Yeah, and I just felt like one and like my skin was just like sticky and... Yeah, every time... I feel like people don't look completely healthy when they're doing the Atkins diet. Like it's like a body... Jack Allison used to say it's like a weird body hack where like it just fucks with your body. Sure. Your body just starts dropping weight, but it almost looks like you got like fat sucked out of you.

It doesn't look like a... I think when you lost weight, Nick, you then started working out afterwards, right? Yeah, well, I lost... And you still have like big like floppy like bags where your tits... That is not true. I lost a substantial amount of weight I think in 2010, maybe 2011, somewhere in that range. I was not doing the Atkins diet, but I was definitely minding my carbs. And I found that was a thing that was pretty easy to sustain.

And also just that combined with moderate exercise seemed to help take weight off and keep it off. But yeah, I mean ultimately there's no... What's the idiom? There's no silver bullet. There's no like like sort of magic trick you can pull. It's just, you know, the same thing of minding your nutrition and balancing it with exercise. Yeah, exercise. There's no silver bullet?

Isn't that a cliche? Or is it there's no magic bullet? I think the silver bullet doubles as a magic bullet. Yeah. But what does that mean? I don't get what that means. Like it's like a silver bullet can kill... A werewolf? If you got a werewolf chasing after you, you know if you got a silver bullet you can take that wolf man down.

That's an easy way to take down a werewolf. You can take the werewolf down with like months and months of diet and exercise. Fire that one pure still sterling silver bullet. So this common saying is related to werewolves? I'm unclear whether it's a common saying. I don't know if magic bullet is it? Is it magic bullet or is it silver bullet? You know what, if you're out there hashtag magic bullet or silver bullet and answer that one for us.

Because I'm unclear on what it is. But I think, yeah, the idea is it's just one little snap of the fingers you can do. Okay. And just solve your problem. Silver bullet takes down werewolves. Magic bullet takes down President Kennedy. I've been watching a lot of Kennedy assassination stuff recently. I think I'm on to something.

So you're catching up on like Atkins diet, JFK assassination. Kicking up to speed. Did you recently get into chumbawumba? Now my mom bought that CD actually back in the day. Oh, okay. You blazing through season one of low winter sun? That's too new, isn't it? I guess I might be too new.

I was actually watching 11, 22, 63. Oh, okay. James Franco tries to save Kennedy show. Stephen King, right? Stephen King, yeah. It's actually, it's a fun show. I'm enjoying the show. And then I just started watching a bunch of JFK documentaries after the fact.

So learned a lot. It's good stuff. What is, okay, so if there's any JFK amateur out there who just sort of knows the official story, what's a little bit of a little nugget of conspiracy theory you can plant in their heads? Like a conspiracy theory? Yeah, or just any fact that you've learned that is something you didn't know prior to this? Well, they say that the follow-up car, well, this is like the biggest theory, but it's

the only thing I know, is the follow-up car with the, what is it, was it the secret service? One of the guys accidentally, the shot that killed Kennedy was accidentally one of the secret service guys. Like he heard two shots and he jumped up in the car and like shot his gun off. And that's the, that was the kill shot that like his, the head shot that you see. Jesus. Was a secret service guy. So the assassins didn't kill Kennedy.

It was a scared. The assassin spooked a CIA guy and he killed Kennedy. That is actually, that is like the big other theory that this one secret service guy got spooked, shot off the gun, and that's the shot that hit Kennedy in the head. Do you not know it? That says nothing about the conspiracy. Yeah. He was calling Mr. Bean's secret service agent.

Yeah, this was like standing up in a moving car. Because people could hear the gunshots. Yeah. And so he heard him and then he jumped up and yeah, accidentally shot the gun and then a turkey fell on top of his head and he wandered around. And then like there's that one guy who was Jacqueline Kennedy's like secret service guy and he was like a few seconds too late. I've heard that and he lived with the guilt forever, right?

Yeah, yeah. And this guy like, so this theory opened up like, like God, and this theory is already like probably 30 years old or whatever. But like when that happened, they like, he sent a letter, the guy who came up with the theory and wrote a book on it, sent a letter to the secret service agent and then he received the letters but never responded. Interesting. As an older man.

He wrote a book without even checking with the guy at all? He checked with the guy but the guy never returned, like the secret service agent never returned any of his calls. I feel like we'll get into it on the James Franco show at some point. Okay. Yeah. Now it sounds like I'm promoting this James Franco Hulu show. I mean Oswald was also like a CIA operative, wasn't he?

Like trained in all different parts of the world. Well, see in all the documentaries I saw, I didn't find anything of that. But in the Hulu James Franco Stephen King version, yes he is. So I don't know which is fact versus fiction. Yeah, yeah. What is fact versus fiction? The historical record presented in documentaries are the Hulu James Franco Stephen King miniseries. I'm getting self-conscious because now I sound like a guy who sits at home alone and watches

JFK conspiracy documentaries, which I am. And it's very strange. Now hearing it out loud, I know that that's a strange thing to do. I admit, I don't think there's anything beyond the surface level with you. Like you are what you are. You're wearing a Boston Celtics jacket and the New England Patriots hat at the moment. Yeah. You're a Boston guy who loves to eat.

And I love Kennedy. Oh, you're that depthless. Yeah. Sadly, that's correct. If I could do what Franco does and go back in time and say one of Massachusetts' greatest sons, I'd do it too. Oh, yeah. John, this is a burger challenge we're doing this week.

You mentioned a burger earlier, this Jackson Hole thing. Where do you stand on burgers in the abstract? Where is it in your ranking of foods? Oh, it's probably one of my... That burgers and Chinese food are probably like my favorite foods. Gotcha. Okay, I love... Chinese food is like...

You name like my two favorite treat foods because I love them so much and I can never... I can just never eat them except for this month where I'm now eating. This is like the eighth burger that we've eaten. I never eat them as much as I want to. Yeah, they're my favorite like naughty foods. So we have... We talk about this... They're my favorite...

Chinese is probably my favorite naughty food. Yeah, I can't get it out here. That was my question to you. Are you an East Coast Chinese food guy? Yeah. I mean, I haven't eaten like in Chinatown here. I guess I hear that's good. But in New York, you can get like reliable shitty Chinese food anywhere.

You know, similar to pizza. Out here, it's like general so's. A lot of times they seem to be making it with like vinegar. It's like vinegar based sauces. Yeah. It's sort of like dried up and they just like... It's weird because there's a large Chinese population. You would think that...

I don't know what it is. Well, we've had this discussion on the podcast before. And part of what I've read is that it's the East Coast Chinese as kind of this American Chinese. Right. And then the more recent immigrants you'll maybe see in Monterey Park where there are a bunch of great Chinese restaurants but they're presenting more authentic Chinese food.

And so it's a little bit different at odds with the palate that you may have developed having this New York or Boston style Chinese that people have a fandom for. We read an article recently that it's like molasses based or whatever. Yeah, yeah. And it's a little too syrupy like... Yeah, I love East Coast Chinese food but then there's great Asian food in California.

There's great Thai food, yeah. The Thai food is amazing and it's better than anywhere else I've had. I didn't even really eat Thai food I feel like until I came to Los Angeles. Early on in Quincy and stuff there were a few spots but nothing like out here. Yeah, and now you're eating Thai food all the time on your annual Thailand sex vacations. That's more authentic Thai food. That's authentic Thai food. There's no time for eating on those vacations.

Jesus. I'll say this, I'm not particularly picky. Yeah. People say like... With a Thai... With your Thai sex vacations? Oh yeah. As long as it's under, you know, 12.

I'm sorry you have children. I didn't mean to put you in that area. Yeah, once you have children you can't joke about being sex with little Thai slicky boys. Pulling their tidy whiteies down. Getting that first look. This might be like our most downloaded episode for that one segment right there. No, like there's certain, like burgers, it's like you can't really have a bad cheeseburger like pizza. It's like people get snobby about like pizza and bagels and stuff and like it's all relatively, you know.

So you won't take a stance on whether food in here or New York is better? I think, I mean, I think there's a more readily available good pizza and bagels in New York. Sure. But if I'm having a bagel with like cream cheese slathered all over it, like it doesn't really, it's not worth like, it's fine, you know. Yeah. I went to some, I'm from out here, I'm from Southern California and, but I've been to New York a bunch of times, but on a semi-recent trip I went to like some signature bagel place that I don't remember it was, but it was one of the ones that was like, they were like, oh, this is an authentic New York, New York, whatever they call it.

Do they just call it a bagel shop? Is there some name for a bagel bakery? In New York? Yeah, I don't know if there's some like word like pizzeria for equivalent for bagel. Oh, but yeah, bagel shop is fine, I guess, right? Bagel store. Bagel store, yeah, bagel store makes more sense. Bagelery? Bagel, yeah.

I went to this bagelery and I asked, I ordered just like a, I thought a pretty standard auger or like a, like a salt bagel and I just asked for it toasted and the guy like looks at me and says it real mean. He's like, we don't toast bagels, bro. And then he turns around and his shirt, the back of his uniform shirt says, we don't toast bagels in quotes. No bro? Yeah, no bro. Oh, you're out of the bro. Yeah, you're out of the bro.

But I'm like, it's interesting that there's that, like, I didn't even know that was a thing, people who didn't toast bagels and were like, felt strongly about it. That's something that, yeah, I feel like I've learned about that recently. I usually get it toasted. Yeah, me too. I like it. I know both ways. Like if it's a very doughy New York bagel, sometimes it's nice to have it not toasted and then other times I'll get it toasted. I get my Dunkin' Donuts bagel toasted if I go to Dunkin' Donuts.

Also, I think no one needed to know that information, but I let everyone know. I also think this adds to my theory that no one all over the country likes you. I treated you rudely because they didn't want you in their shop. That's not typical though. Most places will toast your bagel. Yeah, I think that guy was, well, I mean, it's in it on his shirt. Yeah. So I guess that that place really takes it seriously.

I guess so. Yeah. We'll do some fucking research next time, I guess. So being from New York outside of the, you know, pizza, I think is a big thing and you hit it on it a second ago, but where do you stand on pizza in general? Can you enjoy a slice of chain pizza or are you kind of elitist about it? Like what's chain pizza? Like if you're talking about a Pizza Hut or a Domino's or a Papa John's.

Oh yeah. I mean, it's sort of a different animal though. Pizza Hut I don't have that much experience with. Because they don't, they didn't really have it in the city, you know. I never had it too much. It seems sort of gross to me actually, but I don't know. I've had it before. It's fine.

Yeah. Yeah. Domino's, I like. And Papa John's, I like that they have that butter, that garlic butter that you can just dunk it in. Yeah, I do like that dip inside. I like that too and I hate Papa John himself. We've talked about how much we hate Papa John. Papa John.

Oh yeah. There's another thing about me. I can't say a lot of words correctly. I got a little bit of Lenny from Mice and Men going on. But I say Hut Dog weird and what else do I say weird? So, no. Oh, well people call you have to say Popcorn. Popcorn, yeah.

You make the long. Yeah, Pop. I guess I don't say Pop correctly. Yeah, you make the O's into use, into soft use. And I think that's a Boston thing, but maybe it's not. I can't tell if that's a Boston thing or not. I haven't heard Boston people do that. Yeah.

Oh, shit. Well, maybe I'm just the only idiot in Boston who doesn't. Maybe from Boston you say stuff that way. Tweet at us. Let me know. Say hashtag, I'm just like Spoon Man. No, that would make me happy to know I'm not alone. Yeah, Domino's, I almost look at Domino's as like, it's like a fast food version of pizza.

It's sort of like a dinner. Sure. Like you don't go to it. If you want pizza, I feel like you go to a different place. But Domino's, I love the, you know, they had a coupon. I would get thin crust a lot. They had a coupon for a medium pizza, 10 wings, for like a medium two topping pizza and 10 wings or kickers for like $12.99 or something.

I didn't even ever know if that was like a good deal. It's a pretty good deal. The coupon is basically telling you it's okay to order this. So I would do that. I used to live with Curtis Gwynne in New York. I don't know if you guys know him. Oh, yeah, Curtis. Right.

This is great. And we would each invoke that deal and then we would split like a two liter bottle of coke and you dip the wing. You know, you get like, I would get barbecue wings. I would dip the pizza in the barbecue sauce or the kicker sauce to the wings was just you're speaking our language because this is and I feel the same exact way you do about how it is just a fast food version of pizza that I really enjoy. I like pizza hut for a time.

I really liked pizza for a while, but it's dipped in quality. It feels like it's declined. Yeah. I feel like that's interesting to hear because I feel like so often you hear like a lot of New York people will be like, that's not pizza. You know what I mean? I always get mad when people are like, Domino's isn't pizza. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I mean, I'm never really eager to like take a stance on people feel like better about themselves like having a stance on something. Yeah. Yeah. I, you know, I just rely on myself for my own validation pizza opinion to ratify me as a human, but I'm a big dipper. I love dipping stuff.

Yeah. So if there's like dipping sauces, that's it. That's interesting. Like always if you have, if you get a pizza, do you just want ranch or any sort of like you always want to have a dipper for the for the crust? I mean, I'm not like if we, if people order a pizza and there's just pizza there, I'm not necessarily like jonesing for a dipping element. But if there is like, if there's like crudité and a pizza, like I have kids, so we go to

like children's birthday parties. So oftentimes there is pizza and crudité for the adults. So I will put the ranch or whatever the dipping thing is on my plate and then get the pizza and dip that. If it's, if there's dipping available, you got to dip it. You got to dip it. Yeah. That's, that's fun to dip.

You're, are you a dipper? Yeah. Well, cause I like, you know, you can, you can portion how much dipping sauce you want on your item. And I feel like it's fun to mix up what you're dipping and what you're dipping it in to kind of go off book a little bit, to go off the reservation and be like, oh, I got this appetizer sampler platter and these mozzarella sticks are supposed to go with this marinara sauce. But maybe I'll stick that over there and that, uh, that ranch and see what, see how that

works out. Even combine the barbecue and the ranch. Yeah. And the kicker sauce. You combine it all into this slurry. Curtis and I used to argue when McDonald's came out with their delivery service, 337 Fast, uh, was the McDonald's delivery service. Oh, in New York City.

Yes. Oh man. He, we would, I would call in the deliveries and he would be like, you know, they don't give a fuck. They don't care what dipping sauces they're giving. You know, you can beg them all day long for specific dipping sauces at the end of the day. They're going to put what they put.

They do not care. Um, and he would be like, I want hot mustard. I want like barbecue sauce and hot mustard. I didn't really like the hot mustard. I wanted honey mustard. So it would be like barbecue sauce, hot mustard, honey mustard. There was so much for these people to like, figure out and he would threaten me like I'm not paying for, like I don't want it without hot mustard.

I'm not going to pay for it without hot mustard. They would bring it sometimes without, without the, without the sauces. They'd bring it to the, like your house without the sauces. Yeah. They don't give a fuck because you're calling a central like call center. Sure. They don't send it out to whatever your local place is. So nobody's asses on the line.

Like there's nobody to call back and go, Hey, you fucked it up. Yeah. I feel like if you're, if you're a dipping sauce enthusiast, you just got to have some backups on deck in your fridge, you know, have some barbecue sauce, have some hidden valley ranch, just in case the worst happened. I got, I got in trouble for this with my older mate, Jack. I had a similar thing where I'd get Domino's and I talked about this on the podcast once and I'd get the cheesy bread, like the cheese filled bread.

Yeah. And I'd put it on the top and inside of it and stuff. And it's just like a pizza, but I would, it's just like getting two pizzas. Sure. That's, that's, that's all it is. And I would want to get like, I want a marinara sauce with it. And they came without the marinara sauce and I would be like, please go get the marinara sauce.

And I gave the guy 10 bucks because I felt bad and I'd always give him 10 bucks every time he forgot. So you couldn't just wipe it on the pizza and that's, that's okay. No, they, they, they, they cause, cause I wouldn't have any marinara sauce. I would have a little side container and they would forget it. You have a pizza too, right? I have a pizza too. Oh yeah.

No, I wouldn't wipe my pizza onto the cheesy bread. Maybe not enough residual sauce filling up the sides. No, I would, I would have him, I would have him go back, but I give him a $10 tip. I almost feel like it would be worth it for the guy to forget it. And maybe that's why they just kept forgetting it forever. Wouldn't it be worth it for you to just buy a can of ragout? No, because it's a different, it's a very specific, it's like the fast food version of it.

Yeah. Yeah. And if I buy a can of ragout, I feel like that's a thing in my fridge that is just always moldy. And it's cold and. Yeah. It's not cold and it's not great. He's not creating a saucepan and heated up. Exactly.

Yeah. So that's something that I will send back for, but I always feel bad doing it. But you guys, so I never had a McDonald's experience where they delivered. They don't really do that anywhere else except for New York City, right? I don't even know if they still do it. Yeah. I feel like people probably took so much advantage of that, like constantly, right? Like, did you guys order a lot of McDonald's?

I feel like I would just abuse that. I ordered it periodically. I ordered breakfast because I was always, you know, I like the McDonald's breakfast. I don't know if I do anymore. I basically just like the hash brown, the giant tater tots. Yeah. Hash browns are great. But I would order it because I would never wake up.

You know, I would never think to like wake up and go to McDonald's, but if they'll bring it to you. Sure. Before 1030 in the morning, I would do that. Now it's available all day if you want it. Right. And no cares. Oh, and there was like a $10 minimum or something to order?

And McDonald's breakfast items are cheap as fuck. Yeah, that's a lot of McDonald's breakfast. I would get like the big breakfast and like two extra hash browns and an extra egg McMuffin. Yeah. And that's, I would have to say McDonald's breakfast is the fast food place that makes me have to go to the bathroom more than anything else, I guess, to put it in the least gross way, which is still... It's the worst that you say go to the bathroom.

Yeah, yeah. I have to go to the bathroom. Really? What are you doing in the bathroom? McDonald's breakfast makes me almost shit my pants every single time I eat it. Is it because you're having it? Is it because of the time of day? I think it is because I'm eating breakfast, which I never usually do.

I'm an adult who his first meal is usually around noon or one PM. And so I think that is a part of the reason why my stomach hurts. But also, I don't know if it's the hash browns or what it is, but it's the number one meal that makes me like... It makes me go... Actually, you know what? That's a fun thing to hear about. If you got...

What meal makes you... Don't fucking do this. I don't want to have a bunch of people tweeting at the Doughboys account what foods they're eating and giving them diarrhea. I don't want to hear about people's fucking bowel movements on this show. We can make it sound... It's gotta be brought up. Quickest...

Quickest Tattoo. How is that? Jesus Christ. That makes it sound classier or something. Quickest Tattoo. Quickest Tattoo. Not Quickest Tattoo. Hashtag Quickest Tattoo and tell us what.

And that will make it seem less gross. Yeah, okay. Quickest Tattoo. Let us know. Because I bet you there's different... A place... Because I still love McDonald's breakfast. I still eat it.

It's like a thing that I still like to eat. Yeah. But I eat it but you know what's gonna happen. I don't know. Yeah. I think it's a... Oh, gone. Umami burger is like food poisoning every time.

Oh, interesting. We don't like umami on this podcast. Yeah, we didn't have a good... I mean, I've been there a few times and I've never had a great experience. It's always kind of a mediocre. It was not in the running to be in the Tournament of Champions burger brawl. They're oily. Yeah, definitely.

Definitely. I feel like you were talking about earlier those like thick burgers that like it was like an accomplishment to eat them. And I feel like those don't really exist as much anymore. Like those big bun... Like I feel like even like the habit or something is like a plate. You mean those giant stacks. Or like a counter.

Yeah, like in like... I just always remember... A stack of thinner patties or a larger... That large thick pattied burger with like a thick, thick bun. Like a... Like I feel like that was like a thing of the 90s or something that doesn't exist as much anymore. I mean umami's are fairly thick. Yeah, but even those are kind of wimpy compared to like I'm going to go out and get a burger

and we fucking humongous. Well, I think there was like a brioche craze that was going for a time and then I don't know if that's on the way out. But yeah, I think they've certainly been kind of replaced by kind of the gastropub concept, which is a little bit more of a composed like... Like higher end ingredients, you know, burger. I feel like is the one you'll... The pub burger that you'll see.

Yeah. The giant hulking massive contest burger is like less of a fixture. Well, that moves into good territory. What is important in a burger for you? Which we ask everyone. Like is there anything like that about... Like what's the most important part of a burger for you? Hmm.

Is it the meat? Is it the... I know that you said that you're a toppings guy. I like sauces. I like sauces. I like... I mean, I like being able to dip. I don't...

I like a burger that's easy to eat. I'll say this about in and out. I don't find them easy to like take a bite of. Interesting. I agree with that. I mean, are we making a distinction between a fast food burger and a, you know, a more... No. I think it can be all around burger.

What you're looking for. But it can be broken down. I like sauces. I like... Yeah. I like like lots of different elements that come together well, you know? I mean, the meat needs to be good. Yeah.

I mean, or feel like it's good. Like I used to love McDonald's. I got to say they're like so dry now. It's like the patties are... I don't know how else to say it. You've noticed a drying of McDonald's. I haven't noticed this, but I'm sure it might have happened. I feel like...

Yeah, I get behind... They're just so tiny, the patties. Well, like if you get like a double quarter pound or something. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. That burger can be a little bit dry. I feel like it's like once you get to a certain amount of meat, it's...

You can only have so much where the inherent dryness is covered up by the sauces. But I don't know if I've seen it go tire or become drier over time. I've always thought that they're... I love the quarter pounder and the double quarter pounder, but I always think when they try like a thicker burger, it's always like the most dry. What was that one burger that they tried for a while that was like... Well, they had the Angus burgers for a little bit. It's always specific when a fast food place offers like a big, thick burger.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's because it's like... I like what you have already, and that's you admitting... That's like the Domino's thing of being like, hey, we knew our old pizza sucked, but here's like a new one. And when they do that, you're like, I like your burgers. You don't have to like give me like, this is like a real...

This is a real burger, and then you're like, this is bad. This is awful. Yeah, it's like when the airline offers you extra leg room. It's like this. You've just been fucking me with the leg room. They're offering me like a passable amount of leg room for $100. I always take advantage of that with JetBlue because I am too large. I need the bigger leg room.

You know what, Mitch? I took your advice in my last JetBlue flight, and I paid for the extra leg room. I did not regret it. I think it's pretty nice. Yeah. I mean, you feel like you're getting fucked. Like, you know you're getting fucked when you're paying that extra fee, but I'm like...

I'm kind of at the point where it's like, I'll pay a little extra money for this, even though I know this is kind of shitty. So you're... Wait, are you paying... You're paying an extra fee to get fucked? Weigher has a deal with JetBlue. Where a pilot comes back and fucks him for half an hour. A pilot.

I don't want the pilot away from Mr. Drolls for that long. All right, so let's talk about Carl's Jr. versus In-N-Out Burger, our two combatants. John, I think you're going to have a very fresh and interesting assessment because you were eating side by side, and I think I saw you alternating some bites. You had both burgers in front of you. I did. I can't say that I was actually assessing in real time at that point, but... I have to say, it's interesting.

I was saying earlier, I had the big Carl from Carl's Jr. and Double-Double Animal Style. Why are there two doubles? Good question. I think it's Double-Double. I think it's Double Meat, Double Cheese is their explanation of the etymology. That's kind of dumb, though. I agree with you that... Double Cheese isn't something to add to the title.

Maybe it was in 1946 or whenever it started, I don't know. People aren't impressed with Double Cheese anymore in and out, so you should think of something renaming. Rename their signature burger? People don't know what the Double-Double is. It's fine. Just call it the Double. I guess they could call it the Double. Someone's immediately getting defensive about In-N-Out Burger.

I don't know. I think it's fine. It's their signature name. It's fine. But I get what you're saying. Yes, it doesn't really make sense. But yeah, go on. The Double-Double Animal Style and the Carl's Jr. Big Carl.

Yes, right. Which I found very similar to the Double, to the Whopper, the Double Whopper. What's it called? Just a Double Whopper? From BK? Yeah. Yeah. I agree.

Double Whopper with Cheese. The patties at Carl's Jr. have kind of a Burger King. I think we mentioned this a week or two ago. It's flame broiled versus char broiled. But they've both got kind of like that little bit of, like they've been on the grill in the backyard in kind of an artificial way. Which is flame broiled? Burger King?

I think Burger King does flame broiled and I think Carl's Jr. Hardee's does char broiled. What the fuck is the difference? Do you believe them? I mean, I sort of like, I do feel like it tastes different than like the McDonald's. But like, they're not really flame broiling it back there. Are they? What are they doing? No.

I don't believe them. I don't think that's the process. I think that was maybe when they founded it back in the 50s or whatever. No, but they still say in the ads like, you know, Burger King's like flame broiled. They have flames in the ads. They're like on a griddle. I think at this point it's synthetic. I think they've found some chemical that makes it taste like it's flame broiled.

That's my guess. Not doing any research and just trying to be little Burger King and Carl's Jr. Or do they flame broil them before they're frozen? It could be that too. They could have some. So don't they have a conveyor belt where they go through some like, some conveyor belt that has little fire in there or something like that? Look, I don't, we're not, I don't know.

All right. Well, I don't think it's right for you to discredit Carl's and Burger King. I think it's likely that there's some sort of artificial component to give it this sort of smoky flame broiled flavor. Since it's something that they don't have that, you know, they, they don't have charcoal in their kitchen. That's true. It gets to, I mean, in the kitchen of the restaurant, they're just microwaving.

Yeah, they're just heating it up. I think they're reheating something that's... I think that there's a conveyor belt that the burgers go on. Okay. But also, I bet you in and out adds that. I mean, you can look, they're not that big these stores. You generally can see what they're doing. I never saw a conveyor belt.

I've seen people putting things in the microwave and taking them out. We could do a little Doughboy's investigation. That's how we'll get arrested is by... Two fat guys jumped the counter at Carl's Jr. to see if there was a conveyor belt. I think that there is some sort of thing back there, but I mean, how does, in and out is on the grill, right? Well, yeah, they do everything on the flat top and you can see all that in action. That's actually one of the things I like about in and out is you can really look into that

kitchen and see everything they're doing and everything feels pretty fresh. They probably add some sort of synthetic flavor to that burger too though at some point. No, come on. They probably put some sort of synthetic sauce or something on there. Yeah, you're just trolling. It's transparent. I gotta say, in and out is like... I'm not a huge fan of in and out in general. Interesting.

I'm not somebody... I don't hate it, but I'm not one of these people that's like, I have to have and it's the best. I find them generally... I find saltiness to be the predominant flavor with them. I find them a little difficult to eat. They're a little sloppy. Yeah. And they don't keep at all.

I mean, if you're not eating in and out, if you're like getting it, bringing it somewhere, it's like freezing cold. It's sopping wet. They get a lot of cold ingredients on there. You gotta eat that pretty quick. Yeah. And I don't... I mean, I believe them that it's like, you know, a hell of a lot probably better for you and more natural than like Burger King or Carl's Jr., but I don't taste it.

Like in the in and out patty, it doesn't taste like fresher, less tampered with beef than the Carl's Jr. patty. I love this. Yeah. And that may be because they're... I mean, it probably is because they're adding some kind of flavor chemical, which is, you know, I guess that's fair game, you know? Yeah. But I don't know.

I have to, you know, just on like flavorfulness, ease of eating and general enjoyment. Well, before you... Don't give a final opinion yet. Oh, now I'm hearing this protocol. But talking for 50 minutes. So here's the thing that we forgot to tell you. We have three categories, and it's based out of 10 basketballs each. It's a... Each category has 10 basketballs.

It's a possible 10 basketballs. Zero 10 basketballs. Let me bring it up right now. So that's a total of the best score you can get is 30 basketballs? Yes. Yes. Okay. So the categories are creativity slash presentation, condiment slash bun, and burger slash taste.

But ultimately, the determining factor is going to be a question, which is, which of these burgers would you hold up as like the paragon of burger hood? Which one would you give to an alien to say like, this is what mankind can do? Which, yeah, which would you give to... So the basketball rating system is instantly nullified by the Carl Sagan shot into space, the golden record for the burger on it. It is instantly nullified by the Carl Sagan golden plate, I guess. With an Isosceles triangle, some jazz music, and one of these burgers. And one of those burgers. We actually changed it last week, so it was, which burger is so good that you couldn't resist feeding it to a Mogwai after midnight?

But you didn't mention that. Yeah, I thought the aliens one worked better. I thought that was a little bit more clear. All right, fine. This one's confusing. Okay, fine, whatever. It can be the aliens again, I guess. Who gives a shit?

I like this Carl Sagan comparison. I like that idea of like the gold record that's on the Voyager spacecraft should aliens discover. I think that's a great way to think about this. You're making that decision purely based on eating enjoyment. I would say that's your overall favorite. So I would say, you know, even so though something may outscore, in terms of numeric basketball, something may outscore the other one because it's just a more creative burger that's a better presentation in that category. But ultimately the question comes down to which one do you think is best overall. But taste, my question is, in and out.

Yeah. Represents a realer way that I think of as burgers being made. In other words, like less processed, you know, like beef that's gone through less processing cooked on a grill. Yes. As opposed to sort of the artificial corporate bottom line processing of a Carl's Jr. or a fast food burger. So in that respect, in and out would be more representative of how humans prepare burgers. Yes. Well, I think that's a fair, these are fair factors to consider.

You can turn them over in your brain. If you were an otherworldly being like at the end of AI or something. Yeah. Well, I guess those are actually robots. Those were AI. They were AI robots. Okay, that works though. If you were a Rebecca and you're going to taste one of these two burgers, which would you want to taste?

What to you is the defining burger? That's that will be your final thing, but we want to hear a basketball breakdown. But before we even go into the basketball breakdown, what is on that gold disc that they did send out in space? It's probably really dated at this point, right? I think I saw, I think you can look on YouTube and they have like, I don't know how they did it. But there's like some, there's a bunch of pictures embedded in it. Like there's a bunch of still images of just human beings around the world. I think there's an etching of like a nude man and a nude woman.

You mentioned the isosceles triangle. There's some math shit on there, right? Yeah, there's some, there's some like basic math. There's, I think like our solar system and our place in it. Oh, okay. I think there's like a sort of simplistic imaging of that. So the Luke Skywalker map is in there pretty much is what it is. Well, I think it's just like circles, like concentric circles with, you know,

indicating how many planets are in the solar system and fucking wrong now, but... It makes more sense than the Luke Skywalker map, which was stupid as everyone knows. Oh, the missing piece of space that he's in. The missing puzzle piece of three-dimensional space. That Luke Skywalker was in and somehow they had to get this piece to fit into a map because there was a puzzle piece of the map missing, but hey, Nick likes it as he just said. I like Force Awakens. What do you think of Force Awakens, John?

I think that it was fine. It's the same way I felt about his Star Trek remake, which is like I enjoy it while I'm watching and I'm like, this is good. Yeah. I'm consciously thinking like I'm enjoying this and then after a couple of days it sort of wears off and I'm like, okay, that was sort of weird and that didn't add up. You know, I think it's fine. What I liked about it was it had sort of a fun, swashbuckling quality.

Sure. It was lost in the prequels. It's an adventure. I like this assessment, by the way. Yeah, I think that's a fair measured way to, you know, you didn't love it or hate it. It was just right down the middle. I think that's fine. Do you think the new gold disc we'll send out will contain pictures of car plot?

And an audio track recording of him saying, one quarter portion. What is on, is there comedy and stuff on that? Yeah, Mitch. Is there comedy on there? Is there, that's a real question. I don't know. There's music. There might be a speech, a political speech.

There's a bunch of Cosby. There might be like a Martin Luther King speech or something. Oh, really? Yeah, that would make sense. I don't think they're going to put on, you know, some Carlin record from the 70s. They're going to send out to an alien race. You never know. Maybe it's possible.

Yeah. All right, let's talk about our recent visits, Mitch. So I went to, and I think we're going to, we're going to have an interesting theme here, because on my trip to Carl's Jr., I also had the big Carl. And here's my little curveball for this week. We were talking Atkins earlier. I got my burgers low carb style. Oh, what the fuck?

Aka lettuce wrapped. That's bullshit. So I got the big Carl's. Hold on a second. You get all upset about this fucking podcast and you got lettuce wraps to represent the best burger? That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life. I think it's fine.

We have a category that's condiment slash bun. Here the condiments become part of the bun. I think it's a fair way to assess it. That's fucking nuts. Is lettuce considered a condiment? I don't know. Let it, okay. Or is it a bun?

So we don't, we aren't even considering vegetables. Is it condiment like ketchup and mayo and stuff? All right, fair enough. That's fine. I think you're right. So we're not even considering veggies. You should just be saying you are correct. You are right.

Yes. You're right. You fucked up. I didn't fuck up. The whole point of this podcast is to get me to get fucking fatter. You made the category condiment slash bun. Veggies is not considered. So I guess I don't evaluate the lettuce at all?

You really fucked this up. I didn't really fuck this up. Look, I've had a lifetimes of burgers at both of these chains. I'm very familiar with their offerings. For my most recent visit, I decided to mix it up. I think it's completely fine. I think it's relevant to this exercise, which is we're evaluating burgers in all their forms.

Ah, fuck you. This is, this is, you get so mad that Burger King won and then you got a lettuce wrapped burger. What's wrong with that? I'm still giving, I'm, they're both on the same level. It's a level playing field. Considering that you do have a category where you're specifically supposed to evaluate the bun.

That's the only thing I could point out is it's condiment slash bun, but you are right. Um, so Big Carl, two beef patties, a thousand island dressing sauce, American cheese and lettuce in between a sesame seed bun, which I did not get, I got lettuce instead. Um, it's very much... Why did you include the sesame seed bun?

I was reading the description from the menu and then I just sort of blazed through it before realizing it was tagged onto the end. Big Carl is good. It's a Big Mac derivative burger. I think it's superior to the Big King, which is Burger King's Big Mac derivative burger, but it's good. It's very solid.

The smokiness of the patties actually comes out very well with that thousand island sauce. And, you know, they excise the pickles and the onions from the, and the middle bun from the Big Mac. So it's not quite one-to-one, but it's pretty close. I think it's a pretty close approximation.

And honestly, a lot of times I think I'd prefer it to a Big Mac. I think it's just a superior, a superior execution of that concept. And then in and out, I got my double-double, which is lettuce wrapped with onions and with chilies, which is a thing you can add for a little bit of spice,

which is, if you don't know the in and out, two beef patties, two slices of American cheese, lettuce, tomato and spread, onions optional, I usually get them raw, sometimes animal style. Again, just like, I love the double-double. The double-double is like, what are my favorite burgers? It's interesting to hear your perspective,

John, as someone who isn't from out here and I value that sort of perspective, because I think a lot of it is I certainly consider a lot of my affection for this burger to be nostalgia-based. It's like, I grew up and this was my treat. I'd go there with my dad.

We'd have a great time. And I... You were sure about that? I would. Dad was probably miserable and the spawning it raised. No, I really enjoy the double-double burger.

I think it's just always solid, always high quality. I think the veggies are excellent. If we're talking about condiments, I mean, the condiments are great. That spread is very good. We didn't make veggies anywhere. We've been evaluating veggies as part of condiments. That's what we've been doing, right? Yeah. Okay.

So you have to eat four pieces of bread. After this ends, you have to go to Carl's and get buns. Just two orders of buns from two separate restaurants. But yeah, I think every element of that double-double is just so high quality and it's so tasty and it's such a specific

flavor that you can only get from there that it comes down to whether you have an allegiance to In-N-Out that's pre-existing. But I think if you do, it's the only place that can scratch that itch. What about you, Mitch? What did you have in your Carl's Jr. In-N-Out forays? So we actually had the same thing.

We had a big Carl and we added pickles and onions to that. And then we got a double-double animal style with added, we've got an Armin style because Armin gets the animal style and then he also

gets the raw onions. Armin Weitzman, our guest from the In-N-Out burger episode. The raw white onions. So we got an animal style slash Armin style adding the raw white onions. Were there grilled onions on it also? There were grilled onions also on it, yes.

Because animal style is, it's the grilled onions, pickles, right? And more sauce, I believe, is animal style. Yeah, they grill the onions, they do something to the patty. I want to say the patty's mustard grilled. They pull English on the patty.

Oh, okay. And listen, I love In-N-Out and I know that you were already very defensive and you're reminding me of a little bit of, who's the guy who assassinated Kennedy?

Lee Harvey Oswald. You remind me of, you actually do kind of remind me of Lee Harvey Oswald. At least if you watch 11.22.63 you kind of have a lot of similarities. You know he did that when he was like 24 or something? He was super young. I know, are you jealous?

Did what? Sitting in the cafeteria while they killed Kennedy? He was never up in the window. Maybe, maybe like Waggle will be a patty someday. Which would be a poor one, Donald Trump gets assassinated or something. You'll be alone in a lunch

room eating a sandwich and they'll blame it on you. I love In-N-Out Burger. I don't have an allegiance to it like you do. I really do like it. I think it's a good burger and I like

the double-double a lot. I agree with John. If that thing gets cold it turns into like just a pile of a wet puck. It's not great and I don't know why and maybe it's because it doesn't have preservatives or whatever the deal is.

It's messy no matter what. It's sort of off-kilter. It doesn't sit. There's also like the way it's wrapped. It's wrapped with this kind of brown tissue on it. They give it to you in like a pre-wet piece of wax paper.

That paper does help it stay assembled if you keep it in that as much as possible. Well, why don't they assemble it better and then it doesn't need a piece of paper around it that you can accidentally eat. I don't think how often are you accidentally eating the paper that wraps around it? Every time I've been there I've eaten that paper.

It's, I mean, if you're going to take that into consideration too, I mean, well, whatever. It just, it gets cold fast and it does not last as long as Carl's Junior Burger does. It's got a limited shelf life, but if you eat it right away it's real tasty. It's a delicious burger.

It's really, really good. It's one of the best burgers you can have. The bun is really crispy. They grill up the bun a little bit. There's nice like a crunch to it and if you get the patty alone, it tastes good. It tastes, it's

up there with other fast food chains. Carl's, I do, I've probably tried Carl's and I've probably had In-N-Out first. In my first time with In-N-Out I wasn't that impressed because you hear from every person who lives in L.A. or grew up here that

it's the best burger in the world. And Carl's, when I had, I didn't know anything about and I really enjoyed it. And that big Carl is one of my favorite, it's one of my favorite sandwiches. Are you regretting coming and doing this podcast? No. Have you ever gotten that Carl's do you get like circulars?

Like the, like the the coupons that come in the mail? Yeah. Oh yeah. Carl's Jr. has some of the best like they make their burgers look so amazing. Oh yeah. In their marketing and their coupons and stuff. Yep. I got the coupons

before I ever tried it. The breakfast, I mean their breakfast is fucking awful. But it looked so good. It was like some sandwich, it was like bacon and hash browns and cheese and whatever. Yeah. I had to like sneak out and get it.

I had to like get up early, wait until my wife was like had something to do in the morning. And I went out and got it and I tried it. And it wasn't good, but their marketing is really good.

Does your wife not like like you having fast food? No, she doesn't like it. Yeah. Okay, that makes sense. She doesn't like it. She likes eating, you know, healthy, natural stuff. It instantly, I think, gives her the idea of me like

suffering an early death and leaving her alone. Like her association is like I will die and she'll be alone. So she hates Nick and I pretty much for forcing two gigantic sandwiches on you tonight.

She was leery. She was leery of the show. I don't have anyone who really cares about people are just telling me to eat more and more of this stuff. But I'm sure Natalie probably encourages you to eat fast food every night. My lovely wife Natalie

is very conscious of eating well, eating properly, but she too likes to indulge in some trashy fare. And I think she will she's of anything in an abler. If I want something trashy she'll be down to do it. Okay. Do you have a natural like

moderation mechanism? No, I'm naturally I think my natural weight is a little heavier and I'm naturally a gorger. Like I will get addictive and I will eat everything and drink everything and so I just have to have some really concrete restrictions

that my brain can kind of wrap itself around. Like I can have right now what I'm doing and I have to bend the rules a little bit due to the tournament of champions, but I basically what I try to do is three indulgent meals a week and everything else beyond that I just kind of eat sensibly.

But it's tough. It's tough to stick by that. Yeah. So you're like a big pig and you blamed it on your wife and said she was an abler? No, I'm not blaming it on her. I'm saying she too likes to get down and dirty in that slot pile.

What the fuck? She'll like some trashy food and so like I feel like if we both are trying to you know we just have to be mindful not to be at the trough too often. Do you guys own a trough of some sort?

You bring up a trough. This is a lot of barnyard pig analogy. So I got the big Carl and we got onions and pickles on it. I love that burger. I love Carl's Junior's Creativity.

It's one of the more creative. What do you count as creativity? They just throw new burgers on the menu every month and I think that they're a lot of fun. And I like trying they'll have like they'll put a hot dog on

top of the burger and I think that's fun and there's some potato chips on there. They'll do a lot of like or they'll do like a crazy spicy burger with like a jalapeno poppers on top of it. They try some funny They take some big swings. We mentioned it before. We compared it to

the Taco Bell burger sector. They just try some crazy things. I feel like Jack in the Box does that too. Jack in the Box does for sure. Yeah, they've tried some crazier items, maybe just not as as well known or as widespread as Carl's Junior Hardys, but definitely, yeah,

you'll see some weird stuff at Jack in the Box. They also killed people. They're still coming back from killing a bunch of people. It was like 20 years ago, but that legacy still remains. What happened? There was an E. Coli, I think it was the E. Coli that had a break at some

restaurants and three people died in the 90s. Yeah, they poisoned a significant amount of people to death. Jesus Christ. And went away. I mean, like closed, I think they came back. Yeah, they closed a bunch of restaurants and then basically their current Jack marketing campaign, which we've touched on before, was an outgrowth of like, how do we

revive this brand? This brand is flagging and they brought in like, okay, here's a new figure head of the company. It's the CEO who's coming in. He means business and it was their current guy, Jack Box, who's got a suit and the he's a human-sized man. He's a human-sized

figure with human limbs and a suit, but he's got like a clown head. And it's an interesting way to come back. Well, it's the Jack in the Box. The Jack in the Box head, yeah, yeah. It's an interesting way to come back from a poisoning because his personality is sort of

aggressively blithe and sort of smarmy and he feels remorseless as a figure head. I don't understand how so many fast food chains have had like so many we've talked about a few of them on the podcast,

but like Subway obviously has Nick's Idle, Jared Fogel and like, so many of these places get wrapped up and weird shit that happens to them. I guess if you're around long enough, there's and you know, we talked about the Noid thing on the podcast where the guy thought

the Noid was making fun of him, his name was like Dennis Noid or whatever the hell it was, and he killed people. Why does this always happen with fast food chains? I don't understand that. I think they're just so sprawling and they're such huge enterprises that there's going to be

some bad apples at various levels. I think their marketing is also so... I mean, fast food franchises have some of the probably most saturated marketing of any industry. Yeah, that's true. And

I think it's so in the public consciousness. It's like cars and fast food are the two things that we get marketed to, I feel like the most. Beverages, I feel like there's a lot of beverages that are shoved in your face. Alright, let's get to our assessments.

So here's how this will work. We'll go around, we'll rate each chain in each category on a scale of 0 to 10 basketballs, and then we can say which one we would send to the aliens via this gold record

attached to the Voyager spacecraft. Or to the... which ones will go to the mechas via a Voyager spacecraft which is sent out with a gold record, returns later to Earth, and is salvaged. That's exactly right. Okay, great. So here are the categories again, John. If you need them at any point, just let me know.

Creativity presentation, condiments bun, and burger taste, and then finish by saying which one is your winner. So we'll start with you. And I'm giving them each an amount of basketballs for each category. Yes, you were at 10 basketballs

per category. Should we save his winner until we all do it at the same time? Oh yes, you're right. Sit on your winner till the very end, or sit on your winner, and then we'll all say it at the same time. You have both of them, so you can literally sit on one of them.

The first one is creativity slash presentation. Creativity slash presentation. I guess I don't have a full understanding of what I'm supposed to do with that. Well, that's a podcast fault because it doesn't make any

sense really. I think the In-N-Out burger I give it five basketballs. Wow. Very low. I just feel like they have the one thing that they do.

That's true. Carl's Jr. I think Carl's Jr. in general is a creative place. I think the big Carl. Am I judging it just on the big Carl? Judge it on your whole assessment of it. Yeah.

But strictly on the burgers, correct. Yep. I'll give it a seven for creativity. Okay. I like that. You like it? I do. Are you allowed to show preference?

Doesn't that taint the... That's a good point. I'm okay with that. Now I'm seeking your approval. Okay. Are you writing this down? Are we going to remember this? Oh, no. Yeah, we'll remember it. Condiment slash bun.

Condiment slash bun. Condiment slash bun. Condiment slash bun. You know, I'll say I like the big Carl. I would actually compare it more to the Whopper than the Big Mac.

But where the Whopper has a heavy use of mayonnaise, the big Carl has the Thousand Island, which I liked at the beginning, but found honestly sort of cloying towards the end. It was a little too salad dressing. It's a little sweet. Yeah.

Um, so for the condiments slash bun the In-N-Out, the Double-Double I will give it the condiment slash bun. I'll give I'll give that an 8.

Okay. Oh, very nice. No. Okay. And the big Carl I'll give it a 7. There is pain on your face as you're making these decisions. What have we done with this tournament?

We're now at the point where our guests are breaking down, trying to understand these bizarre metrics. Nick, last week in our guest this week. Alright, and final category, burger slash taste. What does that mean burger? Is that the whole thing?

Ask Mitch. It's the patty, yeah. It's just you're thinking about, you're taking away that bun, which Nick already did, and you're just thinking about that burger, and then the taste is overall taste. All those

combined components just overall. It feels like that category should be weighted more than the other one. Yeah. Overall taste. This is definitely the one that weighs the most for sure, besides the one where your final answer. This is the most important one.

Burger slash taste. I'll give the in and out burger a 6. Wow. I'll give the big carl. I'll give the big carl

an 8. Wow. Jesus. I'm shocked. But Whyger is sitting here I am stewing. Definitely. He's

stewing right now. This is I wonder what's going to happen here. Go ahead Mitch. Give us yours. I I like both these burgers. Also just to be clear I got a large diet Coke from In-N-Out

Burger and I drank it with both of my burgers. I had Perrier. You had a nice Perrier and we ate these right before we came into the booth and we both feel sick and are sweating right now I'm sure. I hear that. Do you get that like where it feels like your whole vascular system

is like has like turned to stone? Oh yeah. Your body just like you're just like like ossified or like you know. My center just feels to quote Jethro Tell

thick as a brick or something. Yeah. You didn't like that? No it's okay. I feel like I can't bend. I get a very stone. Yeah. I get a very stone feeling. Yeah. It's like necrotic. Yeah. Just like

We shouldn't eat these. We have to stop this. We have to stop this. This is this is more we don't do this. We just review one place a week. We're eating two burgers. Have you guys seen Cowspiracy? No. Oh god I can't watch that. This is like a Netflix documentary

about or where I don't know where it's available but it's on Netflix. Yeah it's a documentary about not even the inhumanity of ranching and fishing and all that but the sheer unsustainability Yeah. Yeah.

You know and how horrible it is for the environment, the economy just like Last week there was a vice episode that was all about this that about how we were doomed pretty much that we can't afford to have any more cows

and we're And like Greenpeace all these like environmental organizations will not touch agribusiness because it's too like people like anti-ranching people in South America are like murdered routinely. Yeah. And yeah. There's too much money

in it. I mean it's just you know And Doe Boys is contributing to this issue I guess. We are undoubtedly on the wrong side of history but we're foraging ahead. We'll evaluate whether we're going to do a promotion like this once the Tournament of Champions is done at the end of March but as for now we have this episode. We have

two more matches in the aftermath before we settle a champion. Let's just power through it. So go ahead Mitch I've never seen you want me to just say my answers more in your entire life. All right. Here we go. Presentation slash creativity. I'm going to give

an 8 to Carl's Junior because they get really creative with their burgers. They do. I'm going to give an 8 to In-N-Out Burger because I think that their burgers can look nice. Gotcha. Next is Bun

slash condiments. Yeah. Okay. Here I'm going to give I'm going to give this one to Carl's Junior 8 to 7 because I just feel like you have you got more options at In-N-Out you got you got your basic

things what's going on. I will say this the bun at In-N-Out Burger is better for sure. Yes. Wait. Doesn't options fall under creativity? Isn't this the quality of the bun and the condiments? You know what? You're right. Fuck.

You've poked a hole in our iron clad system. God damn it. You know what? This one's 8, 8, 2. Oh, no. Actually, I'll give this one to In-N-Out Burger. All right. 8 to 7. If we're going to talk about the bun. Yeah. The bun is better

and the produce is better. Undoubtedly. But Carl's Junior does have more options. I'm going to go with a tie. It's 8 basketballs to 8 basketballs. I'm sorry. All right. Finally, the taste In-N-Out Burger

9 basketballs. Very good score. Carl's Junior 8 basketballs. Wow. Very close. Very close. I'll speed through mine real quick. Creativity presentation. I agree with Mitch that there's a lot of innovation going on at Carl's Junior Hardys.

In-N-Out has one thing they do but they do it very well and I think they've done it well. I will give a slight edge to Carl's Junior here. 8.5 basketballs to 8 basketballs. Condiments slash bun.

For me, In-N-Out Burger has superior buns, superior condiments to all comers. It just has the highest level of freshness and general quality to its components. Carl's Junior I feel like is a little bit more scattershot. They do have some very flavorful stuff

that I'm not into. Sometimes I feel like you have the same freshness issue you could run into with Ed Burger King or other chains with their condiments slash veggies. I'm going to give 10 basketballs to In-N-Out Burger. 7 basketballs to Carl's Junior Hardys.

Wow. Burger slash taste. Really, really tasty burger at both places. Really good. Really well done. It just falls to what do you have an allegiance to? For me, In-N-Out Burger is the clear victor. I'll give 8 basketballs, 8 and a half basketballs

to Carl's Junior Hardys, 10 basketballs to In-N-Out Burger. So I think we know my answer and we might be able to infer what your guys' answers are. But at this time, let's say which one we would put on a gold plate and send into

space for it to later be reclaimed by the Meccas, which is the favored burger to represent the good that humanity can do. So, Mitch, do you want to count us down? I'm afraid to. You're afraid to? Yeah, I feel like you're going to flip out.

I mean, I am qualifiers. The scenario... I also think you remind me of Lee Harvey Oswald because you're going to shoot me. There's no doubt you're going to fucking kill me. No, I'm going to... I'm fine. I'm fine with whatever the outcome is. I've resigned myself to accept it.

But I still feel optimistic about this one. Jesus, that's the saddest shit I... Okay. I feel like we understand the stakes here and we understand who belongs in the finals. So, I feel like we're going to make the right decision because we understand that for this burger brawl to be properly represented

an icon of the burger sphere should be one of its competitors for the gold. That's the optimization-wide chain that has multiple iterations of itself across a continent. Yeah. Alright. Well, that said

I will let you guys... Leave you guys to make your own decisions. Let's count us down and say whether In-N-Out Burger or Carl's Jr. Hardee's is the winner. We say it simultaneously. Say it simultaneously. Mitch, you want to count us off? Yep. Three, two, one. In-N-Out Burger.

In-N-Out Burger. Fucking In-N-Out Burger. I'm livid. This is a travesty. This is a miscarriage of justice. Uh... I will do everything in my power to fight against this through whatever

whatever resistance methods I can employ. Oh my god, this is uh... Jesus Christ. Alright, as of now, Carl's Jr. Hardee's moving on to the choppy and shit. Wait, Nick, I'm not going to let this go this far. What?

He wants me to root for In-N-Out Burger. I know you... How many decisions are you going to base on what he wants? Listen, here's the thing. We're sending this thing to an alien and

John pointed out, how does that get to space without turning into a cold puck? Oh, the In-N-Out Burger would... Tastes like shit, but what burger is going to last in this hypothetical? I feel like the Carl's Burger would better shot. I think either these things

are... they're not going to hold up once they exit the atmosphere. Unless I... maybe if you've got some sort of crazy airtight space- Carl's Jr. is so preservative. That's true. It's the tardigrade of burgers. That's true. You know the water bears? He's so sad, he's going to shoot

himself. I can't do this. I'm not going to... No, I'm not going to shoot myself. I'm going to... I'm going to keep going, because we have this tournament to do, but... You made your decision. You can't... If you guys have any sense of

integrity for this process, neither one of you should allow a reversal of decision. Well, it's all been... things have been being reversed left and right so far, so we've established the precedent that nothing even said can ultimately stand.

The reason we're called championships is to find a champion separate from any one person's personal preference or emotional leanings. We're looking for a consensus. I agree with you.

In and out burger fucking sucks. What are you talking about? It doesn't suck. You like it. You can't say it sucks. The fries suck. I think the fries are good, but I'll... The fries too suck. I'm fine with people disliking the fries.

I think the burger is very good. In and out burger is an excellent chain. I think it's a shame that it's not in the finals. Who else is in the finals? We're going to see. We'll find out next week in our next matchup, which will be Five Guys vs. Wendy's.

Very exciting. Okay. And possibly with that little curve ball that Susser threw us involving Shake Shack. We'll see how that's going to work. That was this week's edition of Bunch Madness. It's time for a regular segment. We're going to settle for the next week's episode of

Bunch Madness. We'll see you next week on Bunch Madness. We'll see you next week on Bunch Madness. Bye. I'm going to go regular mustard here.

And here's why. I think that when you're regular mustard, it goes great with burgers. It goes great with hot dogs. And if I'm getting a pastrami sandwich, I want a yellow, I'm sorry, hot dogs.

It's still the same. It's still the same. It's still the same. It's still the same. It still didn't say that kind of right, did I? It goes great with hot dogs. Stop overthinking it. Whatever. It goes great with pastrami sandwiches.

It's just a condiment that you can put on more things. Yeah. Honey mustard, it's got that sweet flavor to it. The honey. That honey, honey tracks bees as well. I don't want to eat a sandwich and have a bunch of bees

flying around my head. Rarely a concern. Honey mustard is one of those ones though. So the honey mustard, it's got that sweet element that just doesn't taste right on some burgers, hot dogs.

Definitely not on a pastrami sandwich. You're not putting honey mustard on there. For sure. It's great on chicken sandwiches. It's great for your mignuggets, but you got to go classic yellow. Kimberly, your thoughts. I'm a honey mustard man.

I don't know what you're talking about every now and then, but I find that your standard mustard is a flavor that overwhelms everything else. In other words, when I put mustard on a hot dog or a sandwich, that's the dominant flavor.

Oftentimes the only flavor I'm really tasting. Whereas honey mustard I find is much more of a complimentary flavor where I can taste the fullness of the savory qualities. Then I feel that it meshes well with beef.

I think you would put honey mustard on a sandwich. It depends. There's the dipping sauce honey mustard, which is a liquid, but there are more solid honey mustard that are very spreadable and I think could go on a lot of different sandwiches.

A beaver brand sweet hot mustard comes to mind. Kind of a little sweet, a little spice to it. A sandwich. Compelling arguments on both sides. I'm going to mingle another idiom here, but it is better to

live one day as a lion than to live 100 years as a lamb. Isn't that what it is? Something like that? Whatever. You get the idea. You want to be the king of one thing versus having kind of this like, have you been reading a quote book? What's going on? Is that a general idiom or is that something

that one person, a dictator, said to justify his behavior? Maybe it's not an idiom, I don't know. I might be unclear on what idiom the exact definition of idiom is. I'm just saying it to sound smart. But,

I will say, regular mustard, you're right, Mitch Moore Versatile, but I think honey mustard does what it does so well that I would say, honey mustard is the lion, regular mustard is the lamb, honey mustard is the winner. Next case. Well, I'm a man of the people.

I'm a man of the lambs, so it's fine with me. Next case. Four here versus to go. Wow. Start with you, John. I'm a to go guy. I mean, I'm a general private eater. I like to eat just by myself

or with other people that are eating as poorly. When I eat in an indulging thing, I don't mind eating in front of other people. Sure. Normally, but if I'm going to go to a place and buy a shameful meal,

I like to take it home, get a little high, put on a TV show, and do it that way. Make sure that's... Well, let me first say that I agree completely with him.

I like to hide away from the world and eat this food. But, you know, I'm going to go with the eat there option because, one, hey, it's getting me out of my house. I'm sitting in there eating my to go food there.

Too often alone. I want to get out of that place. And also, there's something to that, like within an outburger, the recently defeated in an outburger. Thank you. Like with the recently defeated in an outburger, there's that quality when you get it

in the restaurant where it's great. It's just one of the best burgers you can have when you eat it in there. But, you know, when you get it to go, it's just not as good. And then it makes it lose the chomping chip. So, there's some meals that you can eat in the restaurant.

You get them hot and fresh. And really, you get free refills as well when you're sitting there and eating the meals hot and fresh at the restaurant. It's sticking around. Your insistence on rubbing salt in this

fresh wound is so petty and unprofessional. There's no need for it. Next year, when we're doing the fucking dumbass Boston food tournament, and you start crying

because clam chowder lost to baked beans and they'd extend a big middle finger to you and your family. All right. Let's admit there is no next year. No, yeah. This podcast is on its last legs. All right.

I agree with bitch because that dining experience is unique. So, you're agreeing with that in and out should have lost? No, I'm not agreeing. No, in and out clearly should have won. I'm agreeing with you that eating out is fun. It's nice to have that experience.

It's nice to have that customer service experience, table service. Nice to get out of the house. A little bit of variety is good. And it's just like usually a superior place to consume your food when it's at its hottest and at its freshest. For here, wins.

But it's close. All right. Last case. It's almost St. Patrick's Day. Green beer. Festive holiday libation versus grotesque chemical stew. We'll start with you, Mitch. I'm going to go with fun holiday celebration

because why not? It changes things up. If I go out and they're serving green beer, even if it's Miller Light, which isn't my go-to beer and I always feel like Miller Light is the green beer for whatever reason, I'm going to get it and it's fun.

You can see in the spirit, turned your shit green for a couple of days. Is that true? I don't know, probably. There's some fun stuff going on. You're out and you're celebrating St. Patrick's Day. Listen, I'm from Boston, they take it seriously, but it's just a fun thing

to do. Who cares? Change things up a little bit from the normal night and have fun on St. Patrick's Day. Do a Irish car bomb, too. Who gives a shit? That holiday is all about drinking, so you might as well switch some things around. Very compelling.

Go ahead, John. Yeah, I mean, I don't disagree. I'm not a big drinker. I don't particularly love beer, but I like, if I am going to drink, I like a sweeter, more soda-y

drink and there's something about the color green that makes it more soda-y to me. I don't think it's a chemical. I think it's just food coloring. I think it's fun. I think it's nice. I mean, if you have to drink, in general,

drinking like, swilling beer and being excited to celebrate St. Patrick's Day is sort of a grotesque behavior in general, but if you're in that mindset, yeah, green beer is fun.

I love this because you just broke wager more because you're supposed to take the other side. You can agree. Yeah. Oh, then why are you staring at him like that? I was enraptured. I was listening to his argument.

Okay, all right. Very, very calmly delivered and very articulate. I think you said it better than I could have, Gemberling. Yeah, it's a fun holiday. If you're going to go out and indulge in that thing,

why not? Just go for it. Have the green beer. And you know what? There's another green beverage, Ectocooler, which is pretty damn great. So I think more drinks should be green. So I'm in favor of green beer. Green beer takes it. Wait, so we both win. We both won the...

It's not a competition. We're just trying to settle things. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, I don't know how this game works. Yeah. We argue things. If everyone agrees, then it's fine. And that's the system that's due process being executed fairly. All right. That's it for food court.

Just like a restaurant, we value your feedback. Let's open up the feedback. Today's email comes to us from Danny Boyko. Danny writes, Recently I found myself a bit under the weather suffering from a minor case of influenza. With not much of an appetite, it struggled to find anything in my fridge that I felt was worth the effort to prepare. But hey, a guy's got to eat. My question

for the dough boys is, do either of you have a go to dish that always hits the spot during a time when you're not feeling 100%? The obvious choice is a nice hot bowl of soup. My favorite being Campbell's slow kettle style tomato and sweet basil bisque. Mitch, you've been under the weather recently. That's right. Any sort of go to food

when you're not feeling 100%? Okay, so the past three weeks while I've been sick, I've been at least eating two burgers. So in the three weeks that I've been sick, I've eaten six or seven burgers. But that's not normally what I'll do. I think it's funny. When I get

sick, I don't know if this happens to you guys. I will crave just some, like a certain type of food. I wanted a chicken burrito really bad. Not a spicy thing. I'll stay away from spice. But I'll sometimes just crave something like a chicken burrito.

But for the most part, if I'm really feeling sick, I'll try to do tomato soup and the grilled cheese. A grilled cheese that I'll dip in the tomato soup. If I'm really, really sick. Yeah, it's an old stand-by. Yeah, it's a stand-by. But for the most part, I want to get out and eat all the food that I like

and eat normally. Yeah. So I'll eventually push for that. But I will tell you a thing. When I'm sick, I don't like to drink diet sodas. Like, I don't like a... The idea of like

the idea of like like fake sugar grosses me out. It triggers something in you. Yeah, like that's one of the times where I'll go for a full Coca-Cola or a ginger ale, which is a stand-by too. And I won't

eat this now. This just makes me seem like a fat guy. I don't want to eat salads either when I'm sick. Yeah. Well, your body's telling you it needs something, I think, is what's happening. Yeah, exactly. John Gamerling, what about you? Any sick foods you like? I don't know. I mean, it takes a lot for me to not want...

I have to be like really nauseous to not want to... I mean, if I'm like, if I'm sick, I don't lose my appetite easily. Gotcha. But maybe maybe... Yeah, like a grilled cheese is good

or some buttered toast, or maybe even like some Pad-C-U. Oh, nice. Yeah. I like that direction with the Asian food because that was going to be my go-to. I really like some pho. Oh, pho is great. Just like a good spicy

brothy soup. That'll really get the job done for me. And ultimately, I'll get some like a Mexican soup, like an albondigas or a, you know, like a chicken soup, whatever they call that. It's like a... I find that very like with a little bit of spice,

maybe a little bit of avocado. That seems to do the trick for me. But yeah, I feel like I like a lot of hot broth, hot liquid, you know? Like I'm drinking a lot of tea, I'm eating a lot of soup. That's what's usually going to help me rejuvenate. Yeah, I got that. What about a curry? What about like a green curry or something?

I will like a curry, but you know, I think if we're talking Thai, we'll probably get some sort of Thai soup in that sort of city. I don't know, I go towards soups. If I really need to be filled up, if I'm like super hungry, I'll maybe just go for something ultra trashy, like chili cheese fries. But I think

that's maybe a thing to try. Maybe some curry if I want something with a little bit more substance. Hangover versus being sick is a big difference. Yeah. Because a lot of... I mean, sometimes I'll get like a cheese pizza because I feel like I play in cheese pizza because I feel like it's plain enough to just eat.

Just because it's called plain. I fuzz, fuzz big. I won't do it. You guys are just insisting on that pronunciation. Faux, I call it faux most of the time. But I

I won't... I go faux. I call it faux more often, but I know that it's probably the correct way to say it is faux, right? By a lovely wife, Naly is half Vietnamese. Faux is... Neither of us is saying it right, but that's closer to the correct pronunciation. I just can't do anything too, too spicy.

So even like a curry, it's going to be a non-spicy curry. Yeah. I remember when I was young and I had the flu and I was convinced like I told my mom, I was like, she was like, what do you want for dinner? I was like, burger king. I'm not sick anymore. I can eat this burger king. And she's like, I think you're still sick. And I was like, no, I'm not. I can eat burger king.

She went and got me burger king. I ate it and I immediately projectile vomited like as soon as I finished it. Yeah. Like as soon as I got it down, it shot back up like all over the bathroom. She was pissed. So you got to wait a little while. Sorry to end it on such a gross note.

It's kind of like, I mean, this is what the podcast is. It's a mess, too. We weren't ready to do this. We jumped into this tournament and you're... I feel like you're actually mad at me for the first time in my life. It's fine. Everything's fine. Oh, cool. That's usually when

everything's fine, someone says, it's fine. It's fine. Everything's fine. Yeah. No, depending on where you are, you got to ease yourself into it. But I'm like, John, I will try to eat anything. I don't, you know, whether

I'm sick or not. Yeah. All right, great. Well, if you have a question or comment about the World Chain Restaurants, you can email us at dowboyspodguest at gmail.com. Check out our Twitter account at dowboyspod. Follow us on Facebook, just dowboys. John Gamberling, thank you so much for coming

today. Thank you for having me. Indulging in this dumb exercise. Do you have anything you would like to plug? Oh. Well, Broad City is airing on... Broad City is airing on Wednesdays at a certain time

on... I mean, just DVR it. Yeah, people can figure that out. My Twitter... Yes. At Gamber Licking. I don't tweet much. Well, are you prepared to have a lot? Not a lot, but

a sizable amount of angry tweets at you this week. We're in trouble. Weigar hates both of us, I think. It's fine. Just if you out there are enraged by this travesty, let us know in social media. That'll do it for this episode of Doe Boys.

Until next time, for Mike Mitchell, The Spoon Man, I'm Nick Weigar, happy eating. See ya. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Feral audio.