Doughboys - Tournament of Chompions: McDonald’s v. Panda Express with Fran Gillespie

Episode Date: March 2, 2017

Munch Madness: The Tournament of Chompions: Chicken Fight begins, as Fran Gillespie (SNL, Funny or Die) returns to judge the first matchup in the month long quest to divine the best chain restaurant chicken. McNugget purveyor McDonald’s takes on Asian inspired eatery Panda Express’ Orange Chicken in the Small Pieces Region.Make YOUR chompion predictions @ www.feralaudio.com/chompions2017Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The McNugget Following a failed attempt to introduce chicken to the world's biggest hamburger chain in the form of a pot pie, the two-bite-sized chunks joined the menu in 1977, amazingly intended as a healthier alternative to beef, orange chicken. A traditional dish from Hunan Province, with a thick chili sauce often meant to disguise lesser forms of meat as poultry, in 1987 Chef Andy Cao introduced a sweeter version for Western palates to America's largest Chinese food franchise. They're two of the most popular chain restaurant chicken dishes, but which of these small pieces will be the big winner? This week on Doughboys, the tournament begins, with the first match-up

of the quarter-pounder final round of Munch Madness, the Tournament of Chompians, Chicken Fight, Small Pieces Region, McDonald's, Panda Express. Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants or production of Feral Audio.com. I'm Nick Weiger. This week's roast is courtesy of TP Root. Please welcome my co-host, boss-nass-mo-cap model, the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. Should I do the boss-man-nass sound? Fuck you. Jar Jar, you know some bomb bad. Gungan? What does he say? I don't know, but of course you knew it, except for one word or something.

Tournament is off to a great start. What a fucking mess. Here's a couple things. First, I want to say hello to Spoon Nation. Our guest is dying. She already doesn't understand the show. We'll introduce her in just a second. My thing is you're going to do the roast Spoon Man. I'm not going to play drops for the tournament. This is serious stuff. Okay, that's fair. I will call it a taunt. Like in the Olympics, when they call off all wars, I will call a... That's how all... If the Olympics happened during a war, the war ends. The war is over. Like the Christmas piece. Like the Christmas armistice, we're going to say this is a neutral zone. I will get rid of that...

No boys is a neutral zone and that there's no laughter. It's just a void of silence. It's like if they did a procedural drama in front of a live studio audience, and then just everyone's just sort of nodding along at all the plot points. We're the white noise of podcasts. Yeah, no. I will agree to that. No more roast Spoon Man's for the entirety of the tournament. I will say hi to Spoon Nation every time. That's fine. That's fair. Especially because our guest likes it so much. And you know what, Mitch? Also, you said the quarter final. Why are you trying... It's just this is the start of the tournament. Yeah, I said the tournament begins.

Okay, all right. What are you going to say? You know what else? We're in the quarter finals. Oh, I was just going to say real quick, just this is just for anyone catching up or maybe just joining the podcast. This is a month-long tournament. Last year we did Burger Brawl. This year we're doing chicken fight. What we're doing is a tournament of the chain restaurant, crispy chickens, in all their forms. That's right. And if you want the full interactive tournament bracket, check out feralaudio.com. We've also got it on our Facebook and Twitter. But let's introduce our guest. I just want to quickly one last thing.

Quarter finals seems like it's this tournament's almost over, which I guess in reality it's almost over once it starts. I mean, we're starting... It's basically starting at the elite eight because we don't have time to go through like 64 different items. This tournament almost kills us enough as it is. Yeah, if we did... Which we were reminded of in this last couple days. If we... And we want to die, like both of us want to die, but we don't want to die from eating ourselves to death. No, we don't want a pizza-the-hut type death. No. Well, that's pizza-the-hut eats himself.

We definitely don't want that. I will restate we don't want a pizza-the-hut type death. We don't want to be just so driven mad by hunger that we eat ourselves. But let's introduce our guest who's going to help us judge this quarter final round. Give us a big Howdy Ho. She's written for Saturday Night Live in Funny or Die. The great Fran Gillespie is back. Hi, Fran. Howdy Ho, oh boy. Boo. I just want to correct you when you say she already doesn't understand the show. I understand the show. I don't understand the following.

No, I know. I know. I've said that. That's what I... Which goes, she doesn't understand the show. No, I know that you get the show. I know that you're perplexed, but that people listen to the show, that they like us. Yeah, how does it work? You eat fast food and then discuss it? Oh. Well, guess what? This is a little bit more complicated Fran, okay? This is the Tournament of Chompians. This has some layers. This has some... This is like a seven-layer bean dip, except there's not as many layers.

It's one of those things I have to tell you, it's going to be hard for me to discuss the food, because have you guys ever gotten so drunk that you can't think about the alcohol the next day? Right. Is that you right now? Well, I had, first of all, Mitch yesterday was like, oh, it's going to be Tournament of Chompians in your Panda Express, and I was like, whatever that means. And then like two hours ago, he texts me and says, you need to eat Panda Express orange chicken and McDonald's chicken nuggets, and I'm Venmojumani. And I'm like, wait, what? This is like two hours ago.

We talked about this in the last episode. I had a full day, and then I also have like homework now. I was trying to explain to you, because I didn't think that you got what I was saying. And so today, I needed to make sure that, because we talked about this at a bar. Yes, but then I thought you were going to have the food for me. Yes, which was wrong. That's why I needed to be clear. What's wrong? I was afraid that you maybe would think that, so I did.

Oh, my God. You guys know you need to do that. Yes. Have the food right before the podcast, because then all of a sudden. Hey, I'm down with that idea. I would have been fine with that. It's crazy that you don't just like have a spread here, and then right afterwards discuss the food.

Excuse me, ma'am. We're not a buffet. Well, all of a sudden I get homework, and it was like, okay, cool. I'll go to Panda Express and McDonald's, but I actually ended up post-mating them to Glaze Fire, where I was painting a gift. Why were you painting a gift? Also, you love homework, you nerd. Call our guest a nerd. Fuck you, you nerd. You're both nerds. You know what? Nerds are cool now.

Oh, really? It's a nerd's world. You're just living in it, chump. Oh, my God. Despite how I look, I'm dorky. Did you just wink? Oh, yeah, but the podcast listeners will just understand that. So then I had it post-mated. I was like painting a gift, and then I had two separate people post-mate me $4 worth of McDonald's.

So I probably owe you more money with the post-mates charges. Oh, it's fine. But I had to get a full meal from Panda Express. I couldn't just get the chicken as a side. Yeah, at minimum you have to get one entree plus one side. You can get a bowl as the smallest form of it. Kind of a bonus. Oh, yeah, it was definitely a bonus, but then it was all this food. Smelt so bad, and I had already eaten lunch before you texted me,

so it was a matcha green tea, and I had a chicken salad sandwich, and then more chicken bits. That's excessive. But so now I'm feeling that feeling where we're going to discuss it, but I like... You're sick of it? Yeah, it's very much. Well, you know what? This is basically how we feel on this podcast all the time,

where we are sick of the food, and a man like me who loves fast food, I now maybe hate fast food. Look, I don't want to run past what Fran just brought up. What's that? The past episode, Mitch, it was just the two of us, and we talked about... Fliger, we know. I know, but we just talked about things. I'm just saying this is the kind of thing that we're discussing

that is still continuing to happen that... Thanks, Fran. The lack of planning an organization created a difficult situation for the existence of the podcast. Do you know who it created a difficult situation for? For Fran, not for you. And I'm the guest. Yes, you're my friend. Yes, I'm your friend, but I'm also doing this...

Fran, quiet, you fool. I'm just telling you, all of a sudden, I'm thinking, yeah, it's going to be this fun thing. Here's your assignment, and also come out and do it in like two hours. So then it sent me in a damn tizzy. It's not my fault she didn't get it. I didn't get what? I got it. It sounds like it wasn't conveyed to her properly.

Oh, whatever. She's here, and I'm sorry, Fran. I'll Venmo you $100 if you're less mad at me. I'm not mad at you. I'm not even rich. I'm a much poorer than you, Fliger, but I will Venmo her $100 so that you shut up. Wait, wait.

Yeah, I'm not even... Wait, that's not going to shut me up. I'm not mad at you. I'm just saying that this is a thing to work on like we talked about. I'm glad that you're acknowledging it, but instead of getting defensive, you know? So the way for you to solve this is a poor man is going to give me $100 so that Nick is happy.

Yes, that's the solution to it. That's how you think that all of us are going to walk out here with big smiles? Also, I got to say this, Fliger, just to be clear, you're the one who wanted to do fucking mini-sodes, man. You wanted these little mini-sodes, and that means two a week, which I didn't know was going to happen. Right. And so it's a decision that we...

It's a decision that he made, Nick made. It wasn't just me, we discussed it. It's a, you're a control freak and you wanted mini-sodes. Okay, so now this means twice as much time for you or the same amount of time? Just two times. We broke it up into the same amount of time, but that means that there's more guests, there's more planning, there's more things to do,

and there was a lot of planning around this episode. But Fran, listen, Doe Boyz loves our Franny. I know, but just $100 will sweeten the deal. All I need is CN pesos. Doe Boyz loves our Franny. And I love my two daddies. Oh, God. Does that creep you out when I say Doe Boyz loves our Franny?

Yeah, well, it freaks me out when you look at me. Doe Boyz loves our Franny. No, I mean in general. Oh my God, well, I should have known that this would happen. Fran was back in town. I was so excited to have her as a guest on the episode. You do have your mouth so close to the microphone, the filter, and you're kind of peering over it.

You look like Wilson from Home Improvement. Doe Boyz loves our Franny. Just like a pair of eyes without a mouth talking. It is unsettling. And I love to be here, but I will say. But the homework, I will say. This coming from someone who is making a gift? You fool.

Buy the gift. Buy. Well, I like to make plates that look like movie posters. Whoa, that's cool. Wait, what are you making? Oh my God. Can you disclose what you're making or is it a secret for now? Well, I can disclose it.

It's a 2001 to Space Odyssey plate for Neil's birthday. Oh, that's cool. That's awesome. That is cool. Yeah. Past projects have included the shining, jaws, a clockwork orange, which I abandoned because it was really bad. Oh, that sounds hard.

The movie or the for the plate. What scene, do you do a scene or the post? You do the post. It's the movie poster, but I need to tell you, I have no artistic ability whatsoever. Oh, shut. No, no, no, no. I mean like visual art.

So like if you were like, draw me and I drew you and then like someone analyzed it, they would think I had a disability. Or like maybe my brain isn't connected to my hand. Right. Like this is therapeutic for you somehow. I think I've seen this on the podcast before about when I was in first grade, the teacher thought I was slow because I had vision problems.

They thought that I thought that I was a slow child. And then they fixed your vision and the teacher was like, vindicated. They were about to put me in the disabled class. And then. Oh, I hope they didn't call it that. Although Boston maybe. The disabled class.

I guess disabled is not. A disabled class. What would you call it? I'm honestly not sure what the correct term is in 2017. Yes. I'm not going to wait into these problematic waters is what I'm saying. Um, yeah, you know what? It's developmentally challenged.

You're proving the teacher's point. Developmentally challenged classes. And they said, you know what? It might be a vision problem. It sent me to the doctor. It was. I was extremely nearsighted. Then I got these big glasses.

I got a patch because I had lazy eye. Cute. I had a patch on my left eye for like a year. Very, very long time. Like much longer than you think. Because I was almost blind. They thought I was going to lose my sight in one eye. They thought I was going to be a Cyclops basically.

I guess that wouldn't be a Cyclops. You know what I'm saying? I would only be able to see out of one eye. Yeah. Then my, you know, my vision got fixed. And the teacher said that I was the smartest person she ever knew. What? Including adults.

Your Icarus flying too close to the sun on that landing. She said that I was the smartest person she had ever met or read about. Okay. It's true. It's true. She was disabled. Doughboyz loves our friend. Oh God.

Wait, I love an eye patch. That's so cute. It is really cool. In Mike Green, down the street, God bless Mike Green. He said, if anyone makes swan a Mike Mitchell, I'm going to beat him up. And he did. He sent six kids to the hospital. Why?

Did they punch their lights out? No, he didn't really. But he did stick up for me. He said, if anyone makes fun of you, I'll beat him up. Mike Green. A great guy. Nice to have a little protector, a champion. He was a great, great guy.

I love Mike. You know, I don't think the technology of eye patches has improved because I'll still see people with eye patches. And I'm like, shouldn't we have a better technology? Like how there's like Invisalign. If you see someone with braces now, you're like, oh, like there's Invisalign. But like an eye patch, like how come people are still rocking those?

It feels like there should be like a contact lens that's opaque or something. Totally. That just is unobtrusive and you can't really tell someone's wearing it. The fact that you have like an actual piratey patch, it looks like there's a tail behind it. I will correct you. It was a flesh-colored patch. That I take back everything that's absolutely disgusting. It was a flesh-colored patch that went over my eye and they would have cute little stickers

you could put on them. Ironically, one of the stickers was of a pirate with a patch. There was also a bear and dinosaur. Was there any sticker that was an eye? There was not a sticker that was an eye. That'd be disconcerting. Let me ask you a question. In Quincy.

I wish you wore a flesh-colored eye patch that had a closed eye on it. In Quincy, Massachusetts, that flesh-colored eye patch only comes in one color. Oh, okay, Nick. In Boston, it's known as Little Chinatown because we have a very high Asian-American population, so that's incorrect. In fact, I've been corrected. I think that the highest percentage of students are Asian-American. Oh, how about that?

It's a fun little fact. Yeah. So, there you go. Do you mean in the country? What? In the nation or in Boston in general? In my high school, North Quincy High School. Your high school had the most Asians in your town?

No, I'm saying that there are more Asian students than any other... I'm afraid of saying anything wrong. More Asian students than any other? Nationality. Oh, okay. Right. Yeah, there you go. There's actually a lot of Asian students in my high school too,

language polytechnic. Very diverse school. We also had a lot of Asians in my high school. Chicago. It's true. In Chicago, we had a lot of... Hold on. Chicago is so much like Boston that I hate that everyone makes fun of Boston.

Chicago is similar to Boston. There are definitely similarities, but it's like Boston is a low class of people. Oh, I'm sorry. Chicago is high class. Chicago is like a Midwest sensibility, like Brad Shoulder, like out there to have a good time. Chicago, you're going to make a friend at a bar. Boston, you're going to get in a fight at a bar. That's not true.

You haven't spent enough time in Boston. I've been to Boston 20 times. Why? Oh, your sister lives in... I had two siblings go to college in Boston, Harvard, back to back, and I was living in New York, and I went to Boston 20 or 25 times. Where did you go to school? I went to NYU.

And so I took the megabus to Cambridge all the time and hung out there. People get into fights in Chicago bars, and if you go a couple miles north of Chicago, they fucking marry cows and shit up there. I don't want to hear stuff... What are you talking about? I don't want to hear things about Boston anymore. You do not have a... If I go north of Chicago, people marry a cow.

Not north into the lake, but you don't, I'm saying... You're thinking rural Illinois... Northeast, yes. That animals and humans are living together like men and wife. It is true. Okay. If you look into it, 50% of the state is married to some sort of bovine creature. And one of them caught her husband cheating, and then the cow kicked over a lantern,

and it started the Chicago fire. Yes, the Chicago fire... You're saying we're low class and we're the same thing. I think that... You snooty Chicagoans. Snooty, that's right. Midwest people really stick their nose up. No.

You just said that in a snooty voice. Oh, that's right. A snooty Chicago... Nobody in the Midwest is sticking their nose up at anybody else. To Boston, everyone sticks their nose up to Boston. I know. I'm saying the way people view Boston. I'm not saying it's what I think.

I'm saying that people think of... This is a shame because I love Chicago. It's a great city. What is a shame? That's great. I do too, and I love Boston, but you have to acknowledge that the stereotype is that it is like people getting in fights and like... I don't know.

This is my fault. We were supposed to keep these episodes tight. Mitch, you said ahead of time, you were like, keep us on track. You texted me to keep us on track as much as in the previous episode you talked about. And you break... I should free things up a little bit. I brought up, I said something negative about Boston,

and which I might as well have said that J.J. Abrams is a great director and Star Wars The Force Awakens is the best in the series, in terms of derailing what we're talking about. I think there's bad people from Boston, there's bad people from Chicago, but there's good people from Chicago, like Franny. And Dove Boys loves our Franny. Stop it.

I can't ever see your mouth. We got to talk about what we're here to talk about. The Tournament of Chompians. The Tournament of Chompians. McDonald's, Chicken McNuggets. Versus... Versus Panda Express' Orange Chicken. Fran, you just learned of this topic a couple of hours ago.

While you were in the midst of painting a commemorative plate. Yes. What was your immediate reaction, beyond just being confused, when Mitch told you the premise of this episode? My immediate reaction to the match-up. To the match-up. To what I had to compare. Yes.

Well, thank you for asking that. Now, Panda Express was next door to a hair cuttery where I grew up, so I always think about hair being in Panda Express, so I have really that. That sense memory. Also, I never, ever, ever eat Panda Express, ever. And McDonald's is something I eat a lot, actually. I mean, more than I would want to. Right.

I'm going to say once a week. Because I love the fries. I love the sundaes. And it's really just a convenient place. Yeah, once and again, I'll get one little small fries, and don't blame me. Now, the little packet of peanuts that comes with them. Who are you talking to here? It seems like you're just pointing at someone so specific.

The sundaes come with little packs of peanuts, and that's very cute. Also, the coffee's very good. And the ATMs inside of McDonald's are $1 instead of $2. Wow, that's pretty good. I didn't know that. A lot of people really enjoy the coffee. I had the coffee before it came over here. That's great.

Wow, you seem wired. I got myself a big, large coffee. You know what right now at McDonald's? Any size coffee, $1. It seems like you have a giant smile on your face. So is that what caffeine does to you apparently? It makes you look like the Joker from 1989's Batman. The Nicholson Joker?

The Nicholson Joker. I'll take that compliment. Yeah, you have a gigantic smile. A caffeine makes you happy, it looks like. You know what? I'm saying I'm a well-caffeinated man. I need my Java in the AM. First thing.

And then I usually have an afternoon pick-me-up. Are you back on my side yet, Fran? I need my Java in the AM. No, Nick and I both agree that a little tasty treat from a bean ground down and put in the water is the only way to keep up helping yourself. Oh my God. He got you with his Weigar gas.

Turned you into a crazy person. Well, so I think my immediate thought was like, of course it's going to be McDonald's over Panda Express. But that is my own bias because I don't mind McDonald's and Panda Express. I actually can't tell you any occasion I would eat Panda Express, including starving, including if I was like stuck in an airport and it was the only thing open and I couldn't eat for 20 hours.

I wouldn't eat Panda Express. So if there was a terminal situation, not death terminal, I'm saying like if there was a terminal like Tom Hanks terminal situation, the right list of movie, the terminal. And there was a Panda Express. You would choose not to eat. I'd eat paper. But you did it for us on this podcast and we appreciate that.

I ate two pieces. Oh my God, Fran. It tapped out early. But then I got, as I was explaining, I had to order it as a meal. So I got a second chicken dish and I did eat bites of that. Wow. Okay. Well, I want to hear what that second chicken dish is,

but I want to also agree with you that I just never find myself going to Panda Express. Right. Matt Koalic used to live in my apartment, which was as hellish as you think it would be. But he is the only person I ever knew who would go and get Panda Express. I've never known anyone. Actually, Van, Art Still sometimes does that. I can't imagine, imagine, like wanting to order it.

You know, I don't want to impugn a good friend and listener of the podcast and past guests of the podcast. Tricia McAlpin. She loves Panda Express. She loves Panda Express. Those are guests on the Panda Express episode. That's right. And she eats it with frequency.

And for her, I think it falls kind of under the guilty pleasure category. For sure. And you know what? I don't find myself ever going there, but I will say this. Once I have it and once I have that orange chicken, I'm sorry, Fran. I very much enjoy it. I actually really do enjoy that orange chicken. I never leave feeling great.

I never, like, I never feel great after a Panda Express meal. But the orange chicken and that fried rice, which is the dish I got. I got a bowl with fried rice and orange chicken. I kind of really like that orange chicken. I'm sorry. I get it. I get you not liking it. I like it.

I'm sorry. It is mostly glaze. It's very, it's very. It's very, very. Heavy glaze. It's heavy glaze. It's candy-ish. I get it.

It's mostly glaze. The skin or whatever is on the outside of the meat is, like, very thick. I can't even there. I bet a tenth of it is actual, like, supposed to be like white chicken meat. Right. It's like a waffle. But if the waffle had equal parts, bread and syrup. It's like there's so much sweetness with it.

There's so much syrupy texture to it. But I still kind of like it. And I tell you what. I also, I got to say this. I kind of don't want to, I don't want, like, a big chunk of chicken from them. You know what I mean? Like, I'd rather have a small, small pieces. Right.

You want something that you know has been processed a little bit. You don't want, like, a big old, like, you don't want, like, a rotisserie bird fresh out that's going to put, they're going to put some sort of sauce on. Because I feel like the quality of the meat would not be great. But anyways, go ahead, Dwiger. I was, what I was going to say is the Pan Express I went to did not have great Yelp reviews. I'm not going to disclose where it was exactly.

It's funny that you looked up the Yelp reviews for the Panda Express. I was, you know what it was? I was looking for where it was, what the location of it was, and then the Yelp was the app I had at the ready that said the nearby Pan Express. How many, what was the stars? As a two-star Panda. So, so here's the thing. It was, it was actually in a,

what I, what I started to find is that it seemed like the employees were very nice and very professional and actually the interior was just kind of janky and it felt like an absentee franchise owner, which was a sad to see of just like some franchise owner who was like, yeah, I have this profitable Panda Express that's, you know, right by a grocery store. So it's going to be highly trafficked. He's giving away a lot of clothes.

I think I know which one it is. Exactly. He's giving away a lot. Well, keep in mind. Was it on Melrose? Keep in mind, I live on the west side. So it's going to be a little geographically, a little different than your guys' knowledge.

Okay. And could you feel the sea breeze on your skin? Here's, here's what I'm going to say. Here's what I'm going to say. The employees were great. They did a great job. They're very helpful. And was there a little hermit crab by your foot when you ordered this?

If there was, that would be a health code issue and I would have remarked on it. But no, there was not a hermit crab by my foot. I was not, I was not on a cartoon version of the beach. If there was a, if there was a hermit crab by your foot, your response would to be to file a health code complaint. I wouldn't file a health code complaint, but I would note it on the, in the same way that if I saw a roach on the floor, I would notice. I would rather a hermit crab, would you not?

Me too, but I would still note it. It's not one-to-one, but you see what I'm saying. No, at this pen express did a beach babe come over because her volleyball had flown away? Wait a minute. So she, she filled her volleyball up with helium? And she hit it. We're trying to get clues. That's like, that seems like one of those bad blonde jokes that you get in an email

forward from your uncle. Like, hey, I used to send you a William joke of the day. Right. You were subscribed to a joke of the day list called William joke of the day and you would forward it to I think me, Eva Anderson, Neil Campbell, Paul, maybe Armin. Sometimes Alan, maybe sometimes Armin. Yeah. Why was it called William joke of the day?

Because of my dad. It was, and it was literally to try to be like personalized to my dad. And then my dad died and weirdly stopped being William. Do you remember that? Yeah, I do remember. It just became joke of the day. And I was like, does this weird joke site know my father has passed away or something? I don't know how it knew, but it was very weird.

It was so strange. It was very strange because it stopped, it stopped happening right around then. Here's the other thing that happened around when William disappeared from it. The jokes that you started forwarding became more ribald. Yes. They used to be very innocuous and then they became quite randy. Yes. I think maybe they thought my dad was kind of a prude or something.

That is so bizarre. It was very weird. It's really weird. And they've been sending to me for years. Do you still get them? Yes, of course. Maybe I'll post one for this episode. Yeah.

But they are very, I'll send you one. They're very, very, we don't, I don't really know the origin of them. I have no idea where they came from. They're very, very weird. But you can see, if you see the joke and then you listen to the podcast, you can understand where Mitch gets his entire sense of humor. Fucking piece of shit. That was your, that was your Del Close, right?

The William Joke of the Day. The William Joke of the Day. He has the skull in his house now. I want to go out on a limb and say that William Joke of the Day is funnier than Del Close. Oh boy. Okay. Oh no, the master. It's a phobetic territory.

We can't make fun of the master. Well, guess what? I did, baby. Sorry, Bess, I remember one. Okay, for me, I'm more like Del Far. That's a, that right there is a William Joke of the Day joke, friend. Congratulations. Speaking of my father.

Yeah. When I picked up my McDonald's Chicken McNuggets, I was driving and the smell of the, I told you this, the smell of the Nuggets in the car they brought back a lot of memories for me and they were also kind of almost like a pastry. And then the song, Father and Son, came on by Cat Stevens and I started to tear up a little bit. Wait, why did you add that they were almost like a pastry? Because they smell, they smell almost like, they smell like kind of sweet. They do, yeah.

They have this sort of, they do. And then as, as they sit in your car longer and longer, they start to like putrefy, like it smells worse. That's the thing with McNugget and all McDonald's food. The, the rate at which it cools off and becomes inedible is so rapid that like the difference between a fresh McDonald's, like McNuggets or, or fries and then like 10 minutes later is like, I over nothing would I eat like a cold McNugget. Yeah.

Yeah. It's truly 10 minutes. It is truly 10 minutes. I will say that I think that, that McNuggets hold up better. McDonald's fries are, are maybe my top three for, I won't give the exact where I ranked them. And I know that you think this is dorky, but they are some of my favorite fries. But if they're cold, they are no cold fries are good. But like once they cool off, they are like, it just not good at all.

There, there's something wrong with them. I don't like cold McDonald's fries at all. McNugget, and I agree with you with the McNuggets. I can eat colder McNuggets, but they're so much better if you get them. They get hard. You want them hot and fresh. They get like hard and you just are like, there's no explanation for that. The, the grease factor, you can really taste the grease in the nuggets and in the fries once

they cool down. Well, thankfully this isn't our popular segment, The Leftovers. That's true. This is the tournament of Chompians and we're reviewing this stuff hot and fresh. Yes. Except it, my window was almost about 10 minutes to get the nuggets from McDonald's here. They were still warm. Luckily, they were good.

Wait, wait, wait. So you had McNuggets in this studio, but you still asked me to buy my own? That, we did record another episode before this. We recorded an episode just before this, so they would have been sitting out for about an hour and 40 minutes. That said. So two hours ago, you said buy your own McNuggets. Hold on, there's steam coming out of her ears.

You were on your way to buying McNuggets? Listen, I know you got that hot tempered Chicago attitude, but you got to relax. Mitch is going to Venmo you a hundred dollars. Mitch is just doing his best, baby. Calm down. No, this is, I got the McNuggets from the McDonald's, which is right walking distance from my place. This is a new McDonald's, or not a new McDonald's, but my new-ish apartment.

God, what the fucking, what am I trying to say? It's a new apartment that you live in. New-ish. We moved, not, well, it's close to a year ago. It's not, I can't even call it a new apartment anymore. Yeah, you fucked up, man. We moved there a while. This is a mess.

You know what, your neighbor, I know your neighbor. Oh, right. Yeah, you do know my neighbor. We talked about this before. But the, the- Oh, I forgot to say congrats about the apartment. Thanks, Fran. Yeah.

So we've lived there a while now. There's a McDonald's in walking distance, walked up to this McDonald's, got myself a four-piece McNuggets. I got just part of the McPig two, which is you get two for 250, I got a McDouble and a four-piece McNuggets, and that was my lunch. And you ate more food than you had to? Yeah, because I was like, oh, I might as well make a lunch out of it. Oh, now here's an important question.

What was your dipping sauce? Okay, here's the thing. Wow. This is a match-up with Panda Express, the orange chicken. Yes. I said, how am I going to match that orange chicken most closely? Can I finish this for you? Go ahead.

You went with sweet and sour sauce. I went with sweet and sour sauce. Oh, my gosh. I, too, went with sweet and sour sauce, not because of Weiger's dumb thing that he was talking about. I don't think it's that dumb. It's pretty dumb. No, you're trying to put them on the same playing field.

Yeah, because it's the best dipping sauce that is at McDonald's. Wow. It is. And I also got barbecue dipping sauce as well. But that sweet and sour is the best. And I figured it might as well have the best. With my, like I said, with my bowl of orange chicken, I got the fried rice, which is pretty good.

I didn't eat all of it, but it was good to kind of have a little bit with the chicken. But I almost feel like I should have gotten a side because isn't that an unfair advantage for Panda Express? What do you mean, that you get the rice? Yeah. You don't judge the rice. OK, and this is for anyone who. But you almost need the rice.

Am I right, Fran? Well, you're not going to eat the chicken on its own. So you are right, Mitch. Thank you. But I don't necessarily think a side, any side that Panda Express offers, is going to help it. Nick, I thought you have a big rule about sides staying on the sideline. Yeah, this is the Tournament of Chompians rule set.

Is that we're only focused on the chicken this year. We're only focused on the main dish. Sides stay on the sidelines. Drinks are in the stink. We pour the drinks into our ass. Or, alternately, drinks are in the Gatorade jug also on the sideline. That's what it was. That was what it was.

That's what we landed on. Drinks on the stink was original. Because it sounded like we were saying drinks were up our ass. Well, you're in luck because I did pour my drink into a tray and then sit on it. I butt chugged a Dr. Pepper. You're much like Steve-O. That's what everybody says. And that's the quickest way to get that caffeine high, huh?

We all crave. To butt chug it? Right. That's like what they say. If you have your butt chugged alcohol, it'll get you more fucked up because you immediately absorb it. It's right, but it's really, really dangerous. And that's like tamponing.

Oh, God. You know what that is. I know what tamponing is, but I would never... Maybe I would do it. We'll see what happens. Okay. Those McNuggets I had were good. They were very good.

They were like, this is like what a McNugget should be. This is really... You got some good nuggets. I guess we got nuggets. And I would say that the dip and sauce you get with that McNugget is analogous to the rice you get with that Panda Express. You need it. Not inside, but an essential component.

Okay, fair enough. And so you can evaluate... Almost the bread on a chicken sandwich. Right. So you can evaluate the nugget itself. You can evaluate the orange chicken itself, but you're just having that dip and sauce and or that bed of rice or a low main to facilitate consumption.

Okay. Fair enough. Even though I went to a Janky Panda Express of unknown location, then there may or may not have been a surfer who came in and busted a window with a surfboard. Did you feel sand between your toes? But despite this being a Janky location, the orange chicken was great. It was hot and fresh and really well made.

And I was like, I know why this is their standout dish. McNuggets were also great. I felt like I was getting the best that both were to offer. And if we're talking about a tournament, I think that's all you can hope for. Nick, that's all you can ask for my friend. Right? That's it. I'm sitting here with my jaw to the floor that you are this enthusiastic about a Panda

Express orange chicken. Or that he's this enthusiastic about the podcast after two years. I can't believe that you would be so overwhelmingly positive. Like just what made it good? Well, here's the thing. It's too sweet. I can tell it's too sweet. It's too sweet for my palate.

I know that it's like intentionally syrupy. Like it's like candy. It's like a candy. It's a candy meat. Is there anything closer to candy meat than Panda Express orange chicken? No, except for candy meat. It truly tasted like a bad dessert that was trying to be 10 different things. And I found it like truly almost inedible.

I would never, ever get it again. If I had to get something at Panda Express, I would get a cup for water. Wow. That is an indictment of the entire chain. Well, I think we know which way Fran's going on this one. What? I would just say like the texture of it, the crispy texture with the syrupy sauce. For me, that was like, oh, this is like a good textural.

I know it was too sweet, but like that textural combination was satisfied. I'm always surprised by how much I like the orange chicken every time I go in there. I get you not liking it for sure. I'm not going to be as enthusiastic as Weigher, but I think that they do a decent job with that orange chicken. Fran, what was the other type of chicken that you got with your meal? Was it some sort of? It was like a chicken vegetable.

Oh, okay. That was mostly meat. And so it was like how you think it would be. Like a replacement for chicken, but then it had like carrots and something like that. Oh, yeah. They do like a beef. I've done the beef vegetable-y, so I'm guessing similar to that. But see, I wouldn't even want that.

No, I had a few bites and then it was like, but the sauce, I was going to say, the sauce I got with my McNuggets is barbecue, which I find to be the best sauce. And they have an interesting barbecue at McDonald's. It's sweet. It's weird, right? I mean, right? Is there a thing with McDonald's barbecue everyone just knows it's like a weird- Well, do they have barbecue on any other their dishes?

It's just a dip in sauce, right? Well, isn't a McGrub have barbecue sauce? Yeah, I guess the McGrub. Is that the same sauce? I'm not sure. I'm not sure if it's the same sauce, but I think that they have. And then there's like a burger that has like barbecue sauce with the like- Is there a bacon barbecue burger occasionally or something or no?

Either way. We're talking about rarely offered seasonal items. Yeah, but barbecue sauce, I mean, you really can't go wrong. I think that the sauce is sweet and sour. That's what you got. That's like too sweet for me. You're not a sweet tooth, it turns out. No, I'm a salty fox.

Did you just make that up or is that actually a thing? Well, you're a sweet hound and I'm a salty fox. Sweet hound isn't a thing either. And we chase each other around the hen house? Where there's chicken. Got it. Okay, now this tracks. Now this is landing for me.

I am actually, I am maybe a, I'm more- Are you okay? I'm a salt. I'm a sweet hound. He's nervous to admit it. I don't like, I like savory things, right? It's kind of like a, I like a- Yeah, okay, so you're a sweet hound.

I like a steak and potatoes. I like the Big Mac. That's what I go after. More so than sweet, more so than even salty. Even though I do, I like salty. You're in the, that umami area perhaps. That umami, even though I don't like umami burger or the umami flavor. But you like savory.

Savory. You like sort of meaty, rich, intense is the wrong word, hearty dishes. Yes, and I guess you didn't, with these two dishes, we didn't get really a hearty dish. No. A filling dish, but I was full after I, because I ate these basically back to back. Well, they're both indulgences and they're both taking a meat chicken and kind of turning it into a fun, toy-like form.

They're like a little treat. Yes. They're like, they're both taking meat and making it into a treat. And- Friend, do you have, do you have experience with chicken nuggets from your childhood? Does it hold the place in your heart, chicken nuggets? Well, growing up, we really didn't have a lot of junk food, but there was a McDonald's where cool people hung out at my high school.

There was like a McDonald's that was like a quarter mile from my high school, so people could hang out. Although it was built, it was one of those McDonald's franchises that was built into like a log cabin. Oh, weird. Yeah, and it like looked like a log cabin, and it was a McDonald's, and people hung out there. Weird Chicago, like I said, and also you guys have the Rock and Roll McDonald's there, too. That was the downtown, or downtown has the Rock and Roll McDonald's,

but I don't know what's significant about that. But anyway, McDonald's is like the only fast food place that I would like save a dollar or nine cents to like go get. It would normally be fries though, fries or a Sunday. But chicken McNuggets I had all the time. But Pan Express, nothing, no feeling towards it. I, you know, I have fondness for McDonald's, happy meals and so on. I never usually actually chose chicken McNuggets like as my meal,

and I think a part of it is because it never felt as filling. I like, I like a burger or sandwich. Even as a child, but I, when people would get McNuggets or if like the, you know, my family got a box of McNuggets or something, that would be fun. And I, I like eating the McNuggets, and I do, I do love them. I think, I think McNuggets are great. And our, the, the, the late great Harris Whittles used to get a pack of McNuggets in the two cheeseburger meal.

And that's, that's a, that's a great order. I think it's great as a side. Yeah. Um, yeah, as a main, like a 10 piece is not, it's, it's hard to find the exact right order, the right ratio of how many McNuggets is for one person's consumption. Yes. Yeah. If you, if you get like a four or six piece or something as like a side,

if you got like the two cheeseburger meal and got that, I feel like that's kind of. I don't know about McNuggets as a side, but I mean. Too much. That's way too much. Get a burger and then chicken as a side. I'm telling you. Harris is a little, a little guy. Yeah, but that is like, that's like, you're ordering two meals.

You're ordering like a burger and a chicken sandwich. Right. I think if you're a big eater or it again, you know, in the context of the McPick two, which exists right now, you get two for 250, a four piece McNuggets plus a Mcdouble, no fries. That's a pretty good meal. And that's a good value. And that's $2.50. That's, wow, that's really good.

Yeah. I feel like people get that and then get fried. Like they do, you can also get fries on top of that. But I feel like just that in and of itself is enough food and you don't realize it until you order it and you eat it and you're like, oh, I'm pretty full from this. Yeah. All right. Okay. So we should get to our final verdict of these two chains.

It feels like we've already got it figured out, especially our swing vote feels like it's already decided. But last year, Mitch, and this was a formula decided this was settled on by our first guest last year, Jess McKenna, who came up with a system of we were deciding which burger we were going to send to the aliens as like the first offering of the human race of like, this is our creation. Which of these two would we offer to the aliens? This year, should we send it to the devil? Okay. Yeah. Which one are we going to cat? Wait, so the best one we're sending to the devil?

No, the worst one you sent to the devil. Yeah. So we'll say which one is the worst one that we're going to send to the devil. Why don't we send the best one to the devil and like try to change him? Yeah. Try to turn him back into an angel. Okay. So we will be sending our best choice to the devil and then he will turn into an angel if he's had the tastiest treat. That is the plan, Fran. The goal at the end of the tournament of the champions is that the devil will retake his

rightful place in the kingdom of heaven. We need to send this guy something so good that his horny bat wings turn into beautiful white dove wings and he flies straight up to heaven, hell empties out. We need to turn those little devil man's horns into a halo. Yes, exactly. Fran is getting it wider. Do you have an example? We need to turn that pointy tail and hooves of his into a diaper and harp. Diaper. Of course he chose diaper, you fucking freak. What do angels wear to cover their bodies?

A full diaper might I add. Let's send the devil to heaven with a full diaper, please. Okay. So here's what we'll do. What are we sending to Bezelbub? We're going to, which one, is Bezelbub the same as the devil? I thought there was a different guy. Yes. Yeah, they're the same. They're the same. He goes by many names, Nick.

Right. Lucifer, Satan. Yeah, maybe we should do something lighter. Whatever, let's send it to the devil. Lighter. We'll send it to the devil. We're sending it to the devil. Here's what is, Mitch is scared of the devil. I am scared of the devil and you also be too. I'm not scared of the devil because Slenderman protects me.

Oh man. What? I've killed in his name. I know for sure that you're afraid of Bagool, the demon Bagool. Yeah. There's plenty of, there's plenty of evil creatures that you're afraid of. Mine happens to be the devil. He's scary. He can possess people. The exorcist is one of the scariest movies there ever was. How about that Diablo?

Wait, what? Diablo from the Blizzard game. That guy's pretty scary. That just means devil in Spanish. Yeah, but it's a character and like the bad guy is Diablo. Cool, Fran. Fran just reacted how most people react to you when you talk about Diablo with a nice fake laugh. Nick, that's good.

I know there are people out there who play the Diablo series and or Heroes of the Storm and are familiar with Diablo. You can't pull Heroes of the Storm because that's more normal. Diablo's old. Diablo 3. Diablo's not old. Diablo 3 came out pretty recently. Diablo 3 is the last time. No, that is the last time that that was even, whatever.

We're boring people with this talk. No, people care about Diablo 3's release date. Jesus Christ. We're sending this to the devil. We're sending this to the devil in hopes of turning him into an angel. Okay, we're going to turn the devil into an angel with our chicken choice, which we will announce together on the count of three, which we count down from three. Yeah, so what should we say?

Should we say, if we're going to say Panda Express, should we say Panda Express? Yeah. Or should we say Orange Chicken or should we say McDonald's? Let's say the name of the winning chain. Yeah, the chain. Okay, all right. All right, we'll count down from three, two, one, say it. Okay, cool.

I thought we were going to say it there. Me too. Okay, wait, so, okay, wait, all right, we'll do it. That was a test run. That was a test run. That was a test run. Okay, all right, here we go. Three, two, one.

McDonald's. Wow, unanimous. It is unanimous. Wow. So that means. Handholding club. McDonald's, we are in the, that McDonald's is in the handholding club. McDonald's advances, they're going to face the winner of the Full Bird region in the semifinals.

Panda Express, you're going to the loser's bracket to try to stay alive in Fat Chance Kitchen. Basically, they're going to purgatory. They're going to purgatory in Fat Chance Kitchen, which you can listen to by subscribing to our, to the Doughboys on patreon.com slash Doughboys. Fran Gillespie, thank you so much for joining us. Fran. Riveting. Thank you for the $100.

The Doughboys loves our franny. Thank you for having me. I just want to say that this, this, for even though Fran did, did not, does not like orange chicken as we found out, the Panda Express orange chicken. Right. Do you like orange chicken in general? Yes. I'm going to go for general shows over orange chicken, but I think orange chicken is a take on shows.

Right. Okay. I think you're actually correct. I just, I think that this was, I just don't think that it had a chance on us. I'd like. It's a tough match up. It's a tough match up. You tried Panda Express.

I actually do like your orange chicken, but you were just outclassed in this competition. It was, it wasn't going to happen. It's their best selling dish for a reason. This was a, this was like a one versus eight scene. You're outclassed. It's like a Chicago versus Boston. Oh boy. Oh man.

Time for Fran to go. She'll be leaving here $100 richer. If you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants, you can email us at Doughboyspodcast at gmail.com. Check out our Facebook page, Doughboys Falls on Twitter at DoughboysPod. Rate and review us on iTunes. Do you have anything you want to plug Fran? What do I want to plug?

You don't have to have something. Say it. Say what you want. Your plates, your, the, the movie poster plates you make. When I was in Cub Scouts, I made a Ninja plate. It was pretty cool. Oh boy. Fran, hurry up.

He's going to start talking about Cub Scouts. But I drew it and he, like the Ninja had his hands above his head, like stretch out and I drew a sword from one hand. But as I drew the hands first and then I drew the sword, and I realized it was going to run into the other hand. So I made it into like a curved sword that extended over his hand. And then I gave him a cut on the one hand. So it like kind of, it kind of justified like he'd cut his hand

and then sorted Ben, I guess. Oh my God. I'm sure you haven't stopped talking about it till this day. I regret to inform you I have no plugs. Okay. Oh, that's fine. Yeah, do we have anything to plug? Nope.

No. I mean that Ninja plate was pretty cool. The other Scouts liked it. You're plugging your plug. Your Ninja plate? Yeah. Check out McDonald's. Oh, I guess I have one thing to plug.

Being kind to your friends and family. Wow. Oh my God. That is the biggest load of shit I've ever heard of my life. Fran, I applaud you. That's the kind of sentiment we need more of in podcasting. Often a vicious cutthroat world. Okay, whatever.

The two plate weirdos are on the same side. They'll do it for this opening match of the Tournament of Chompians. Chicken Fight. Join us next time for The Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. I'm Nick Weigher, happy eating. See ya.