Doughboys - Tournament of Chompions: Minisode - Five Guys v. Shake Shack

Episode Date: March 23, 2016

In a commissioner mandated minisode, first round winner Five Guys battles Shake Shack, the 'boys having visited their newly opened West Hollywood outlet.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Here comes a new challenger. As ordered by the Commissioner of the Tournament of Champiens, a battle is now waged between a relative newcomer from New York, which just last week opened its first LA Outpost and the tournament Cinderella Story, the Maryland-based chain that clawed its way both into the Golden Plate Club and the semi-soft finals of Munch Madness 2016. This week on an emergency Doughboys one-quarter portion minisode, our burger brawl is five guys Shake Shack. Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants, I'm Nick Weigar alongside the

Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. How are you doing, Mitch? Doing well. You sound like an elementary school principal talking to his kids over like the intercom. Like I'm trying to get them hyped for the winter formal? But you can tell that you're not hyped at all. Yeah. Well, you know, this tournament has sapped a lot out of me.

I think it's taken a lot out of both of us. Yeah, I think we're at our closest to quitting this podcast for real. Mitch is really saying something. It really is. It's close. Well, I just want to say... Howdy-ho! To Spoon Nation.

What's up, Spoon Nation? Howdy-ho! What was that? Bad shot. What? Yeah! Oh, a little of me in there. That's nice.

Don't like that. That's from RockoT. Rocko, I don't know what your Twitter address is, but look up RockoT on Twitter and follow every one of them. Yeah, just do a global search for everyone with that username. That first name is initial. Thanks, Rocko. That was a good...

That was a nice classical. Yeah, I think that was my all-time favorite. Before we get into this mini-soad, I have a couple of things I want to discuss and... What is going on? Oh, my God. Well, Evan Susser, tournament commissioner, just barged into the studio, unannounced. He's wearing a suit. I'm going to take a picture.

And he's playing No Chance in Hell, the Vince McMahon theme song. I appreciate you catching that. Oh, my God. I've never seen someone invite themselves to a podcast. This is a true surprise. And Dustin has to rush in and fix things because maybe he wasn't planning on a guest. Hello, I'm going to read a brief statement and then make a special announcement. Aren't you supposed to be writing movies?

Gentlemen, I am inspired and pleased to see you both here participating in the mini-soad. Without its integrity, the Tournament of Chompians is worthless. While I trust both of you to play by the rules tonight, considering the many scandals that have already plagued Munch Madness, I have determined that this mini-soad requires officiating. While I could officiate, as commissioner, I do not believe it is appropriate for me to overly assert myself into the podcast. Yeah. Okay.

That's why I'm bringing on a special referee for this mini-soad. Please welcome special referee, past Doe Boy's guest, Maddie Smith. Okay. Wait, so Maddie's the rock, but he's a referee. He's playing the rock theme music, but he's wearing a footlocker uniform. I'm going to get a shot of Maddie in the chair. Oh my God. What a terrible start to the podcast.

Okay, gentlemen, on a good, clean match, I will go over the rules of the Tournament of Chompians before we begin. Rule number one, eligible entrants must have previously been reviewed on the podcast, has been removed as a rule. Rule two, burgers will be judged on a scale of one to 10 basketballs for each of the following categories. One, presentation. Two, buns slash condiments.

Three, taste, which sort of means burgers or whatever. Three, side stay on the sidelines, drink, you're in the stink. Four, we are judging the best burgers, not the best burger. What? You said it. Five. I think that is a rule we established earlier. Oh, okay.

We're saying like, does this restaurant overall have the best burger? Yes. Okay. This individual burger is the best. All right. Yeah, that was a regular rule. Five, the basketball scores do not matter, and burgers will be determined by which burgers we would like to send to the aliens.

Now, gentlemen, do we have an alien? Oh, we didn't settle on one in advance. That's a good alien. I figure we'll riff it out. You know, I think we're due for something in the family arena. What? I mean, I feel like we've... No family listens to this podcast.

No, I think we'd like, let's do like a lighthearted family alien, like an ET, but not exactly Let's do Mac from Mac and Me. Okay, the alien is Mac from Mac and Me. This was a McDonald's scene movie. Mac from Mac and Me, who won't... It won't matter. He'll eat both burgers and steam will come out of his ears or whatever the fuck Mac's thing is.

All I know is that movie ends, that movie has an insane final scene. Look it up. Look up the climactic scene from Mac and Me if you haven't seen it, and it's just him and his family, his alien family, and they all look like shit. They're just like the shittiest looking animatronic aliens. By 1980s standards, they looked horrible. They were unconvincing then, and they're all swearing the oath of citizenship. You're laying the match.

The alien is Mac from Mac and Me. All right, look it up. The competitors are Shake Shack and Five Guys. That's right. All right. Let's get it on. Hey, can I just do a quick side question? Yeah.

How long did Evan Susser run to get in here because I could barely hear what he was saying over his heavy breathing to start the... They hit us. They hit us out of the building. Well, Maddie, I like having you in here over some time. Happy to have you here, Maddie. Come on, we'll see. Always welcome.

And Susser will be writing Sonic in the other room, I'm sure, as we do this. I'm sure he's working out some great banter between Rouge the Bat and Big the Cat that we'll soon see on the silver screen. Perfect... Those are the perfect examples to show that you're autistic. All right. Before we get to these combatants, and Maddie, I'm glad you're here to regulate so things don't go awry like they did in our most recent episode.

John Gemberling was here. I love John Gemberling. He was a great guest. You and him united against In-N-Out Burger, a Mitch, and chose Carl's Jr. Hardee's to advance over In-N-Out into the finals. That's true. And I have a couple of things to say about this. So people reached out to Doughboys and social media on a few topics.

One was real quick, in defense of Honey Mustard, I used the quote, better to live a day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep and was unsure of its source. A number of people let me know that the source was Italian fascist dictator Benito Mussolini. So I apologize for invoking Mussolini, one-third of the Axis that fought against the Allies in World War II. Very apropos. But the other thing was, a number of people sent this and the first person I sought from was at the J. McInnis.

There was a Business Insider article that coincidentally went out the day that our podcast debuted. Talking about the CEO of Carl's Jr. Hardee's and his goal to replace his human workforce with robots. I'm going to read from this article in part because it's insane. So far this sounds cool. I want to try it. CEO Andy Puzder told Business Insider of his automated restaurant plans, we could have a restaurant where you order on a kiosk, you pay with a credit or debit card, your order

pops up and you never see a person. Puzder's interest in an employee-free restaurant has been driven by rising minimum wages across the U.S. So here's the thing. I know that a lot of food service employees are poorly compensated. A lot of them don't make a living wage. Coincidentally and Nauperger does pay its employees very fairly and provide benefits. It's a model franchise, but at least we need a modicum of respect from management for its

frontline employees who keep the ship right, who keep the business going. And what we're seeing from Andy Puzder is an absence of humanity. He is literally saying he wants to replace the human workers, the lifeblood of his company, with robots in some sort of fast-food version of a Terminator-style apocalypse. Hey, I say do one better, replace everyone with robots, except for me. Leave me on a planet full of robots. If we would replace you with a robot, it would have more emotion, I think. Mitch, you on a planet full of robots is the only human you would still fuck the same amount.

You would still fuck the same amount of people in that scenario. But let me say this. Shouldn't Maddie blow a fucking whistle on you? What the fuck? No, this is fair. This is a preamble before we get into the actual valuation. That's all the waste of time, anyway, go ahead. I can't amend the previous episode's scores because it would have no effect.

It was two to one in favor of Carl's Jr. Hardy's over in Nauperger. But in light of this new information, in light of this sociopathic megalomaniac who's in charge of the Carl's Jr. Hardy's franchise, I am going to amend my first round score when Jess McKenna was our guest and we ruled that Carl's Jr. Hardy's would advance over Fudrockers. So it is my opinion that because of this development, I'm adding a new category, corporate

values slash dollar value. What the fuck? And in that category, Carl's Jr. Hardy's gets zero basketballs, which means that Fudrockers is my pick in the first round. Fudrockers advanced to face In-N-Out Burger and by default, In-N-Out Burger wins by one score, by one victory, one vote for In-N-Out Burger to go to the aliens and zero to Fudrockers. In-N-Out Burger is going to the finals. Carl's Jr.

Hardy's eliminated. Commissioner Evan Susser has walked in here. I'm glad I'm here. Obviously, this is why we have an officiant here. This obviously does not stand. It's insane. Maddy, blow the whistle for God's sake. She dressed up.

This is an unprecedented move, but I'm willing to allow that treatment of employees and morality fall under rule two, subsection three, taste, which sort of means burgers or whatever. What the fuck? Susser tried to take his, what I assume is a snap on tie off and fail. All right. So Carl's... He's very upset. In-N-Out Burger moving to the finals.

Carl's Jr. Hardy's eliminated. Also... This is fucked up. Can't it be a two-on-one match with Carl's and In-N-Out versus the winner or something? We'll have to see, but as of now, I don't see any recourse for Carl's Jr. unless Andy Postner resigns or renounces his comments. All right.

Well, if it's Fud Rockers versus In-N-Out, I vote In-N-Out. So In-N-Out wins. All right. In-N-Out wins. Wonderful. Great. And also... What a fucking mess.

Also, Carl's Jr. Hardy's out of the Golden Plate Club. You're now going in the dishwasher until you clean up your pack. What the fuck? This is insane. This is true garbage. You started this, all right? You've been a troll this entire tournament, and I'm not going to act like King Solomon

anymore, trying to be peacemaker, all right? You've declared that this is total war. And so, fine. I'll do Sherman's March to the Sea. Let's win this by any means necessary. Let's talk about Five Guys versus Shake Shack. All right. So at Five Guys, I got the bacon burger.

You can't just move right back into a normal fucking podcast. I got mine all the way, which means it comes with mayo, lettuce, pickles, tomatoes, grilled onions, grilled mushrooms, ketchup, and mustard. Coincidentally, I didn't ask for cheese. Got it anyway. Not too bad. But when I said bacon burger, on the menu, bacon burger doesn't have cheese. They delivered cheese.

I mean, it's just like, if there was lactose intolerance or something, there would have been an issue. So that's a minor misstep, not a deal breaker. They didn't add cheese? They did add cheese, and I didn't ask for cheese. Oh, wow. I ordered the regular bacon burger, which doesn't come with cheese. Also just a little bit of confusion there.

Their menu, their normal burger size has two patties. Their little burger has one patty. But when I ordered the burger, they asked me if I wanted one or two patties. Just clarify that menu. Call it like a double burger and a single burger or something. I mean, it just creates some, I mean, you agree, right, Maddie? It's your man of rule, a man of law. It's a jungle out there.

I'm not at liberty to weigh in on the burger. All right. Well, I will say, I will say five guys, like I mentioned in my intro, the Cinderella story of this tournament, they've consistently given me an excellent experience. Now three trips, they've had to go through, jump through a lot of hoops in this tournament. This is their third matchup already. Well, we kind of made Fudrucker's a Cinderella, but then also kind of made In-N-Out a Cinderella, even though it was the favorite.

It was the number one seed and like a number one seeds of past, like the New England Patriots, it gets a little help out of bounds to advance. So, well, if I have to quote Nick Weiger, I'm livid, buddy. But I like five guys a lot. What about you, Mitch? What was your five guys' experience like? My five guys' experience, I got to say, I went to the five guys on Wilshire Boulevard. What the hell are you doing?

Oh, you're taking my jacket off. It's warm in here. Okay. Is that okay, Maddie? Is that within the bounds? I'll allow it. Okay. Thank you.

God, you had to dress up as a referee for Maddie. Taunting the referee. What the hell is this? It's your first yellow card. What the fuck? A yellow card? What does that mean? I have to leave?

Two yellow cards constitutes a red card, and then you'll be asked to leave. He has to leave the studio? What? All right. Anyways, I went to the five guys on Wilshire Boulevard. I got myself a little bacon cheeseburger. The first time I've had bacon on the five guys' burger. I went all the way, which is, when I go all the way, it normally is five guys.

I had mayo, so it comes with mayo, lettuce, pickles, tomatoes, grilled onions. I went no mushrooms, and then ketchup and mustard, and I added raw onions. With that, I know they stay on the, and the drinks are in the stink, but I got a cherry Coke Zero. Drinks are in the stink. What is that? So what? Are you a half-yellow card warning?

What the fuck? All right. All right. I mean, my dream is to get kicked off the podcast, so hopefully I get a red card at some point. Hopefully that whistle you brought in here isn't as piercing for our listeners as it is in our earphones. Dustin thought it was okay at least. You guys had to plan, Dustin, I got to apologize to our producer, Dustin, who's done such a

great job with this entire fucking stupid tournament. Don't give me another half. I'm going to behave. All right. Let me, I'll keep going. So five guys is good. We were tough on it. I changed my rating on five guys before anyone else, and just like how you changed the entire

tournament a few seconds ago, and I really enjoyed it. Yeah. It was a good burger, and it was a nice mix of toppings. I just, I still have reservations about it. It's still not my favorite burger. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I guess that's the standard, like if it's not going to ever resonate as your

favorite, is it really going to be the champion? Especially with such stiff competition. I still have holdups about the seasoning of that patty, and the patty to me is just, it's just not that great. And especially when you do the single burger, and I don't feel like this is as big of a problem at other places, but if you do that single burger or the little baguette cheese burger or any little burger, it feels almost like a salad burger. Sure.

The toppings can really take over, and you don't get as much of the meat. And also too, like, you know, I'll just say as a default, I don't know about the, about making grilled mushrooms part of your default burger. No way. I feel like that's like kind of a niche item as far as burger toppings go. If we're talking in the, I don't want to get ahead of our evaluation of the condiment slash bun category, and under which veggies fall. But yeah, I feel like it's, I think you were right to simplify things a little bit.

Getting ahead of a category. That's a yellow card. Oh, I also got a yellow card now. All right. I made Fudamatti. Hold on. I was like, I just said I made Fudamatti to get my first yellow card, and I don't even know what you did.

I got ahead, I started talking about the categories before we were ready to start assigning basketball scores. I guess that was out of... I think that should be a red card. So I'm just out of here? Yeah. All right. I think so.

But let's, and the bacon I liked, I think they have, they have good quality bacon there. What do you, what do you think of the bacon, Mitch? I did. I thought the bacon was pretty good. I, I agree with you. Yeah. Not, not, not bad. Yeah.

A little, a little overdone for me, but, but not bad, tasted, tasted decent. I think they're not taking any chances there in terms of foodborne illness, because that burger comes out well done. It's juicy, but it's well done, and that bacon is, is pretty crispy. So our competitor this week. That's right. Shake Shack. That's right.

Which, Mitch, you, we went together. We also went with, with current ref in front of the podcast, Maddie Smith, and in front of the podcast. I guess we can describe him as friend of the podcast. We all went to the... The giant shoehorn who's gotten himself into our podcast. Like Harley Quinn came late to the, late to the Batman franchise, but is now an essential part of the lore.

I feel like that's kind of, that's a, that Evan Susser is the Harley Quinn of our... They have their tits are just as big as each other's. All right. We all went. We took a big group to the Shake Shack. The newly opened Shake Shack in West Hollywood, and I think we went the day after they opened, and it was an hour long wait. We waited a substantial amount of time to get in there.

Not me, baby. Yeah. You got there late, but I was there with David Phillips and Joe Saunders. Man, what a snoozefest that must have been. No, three cool dudes. We're a regular wolf pack. I noticed that people behind you in line just started leaving. There's a pocket.

We're three cool dudes who like Star Wars, The Force Awakens, and we have a good time hanging out. We were in line and... I'm so sad I was an hour late. We waited a substantial amount of time. And then when we finally went up there, the ordering experience was pretty smooth, just you know, a lengthy queue, but they got our food out in a fairly timely fashion considering how swamped it was.

Because there was just a huge... It was an amusement park line. It was like waiting for a Disneyland attraction. I got the Roadside Double, which is a double Swiss cheeseburger with Dijon mustard and onions simmered in bacon and beer. Now Shake Shack is a chain, but they also try to give a little bit of local flair to each of their franchises or company-owned restaurants. I'm not sure exactly what their business model is.

And so this one, the Roadside Double is kind of a California style, not a traditional California style, but kind of a, you know, like a some version of a West Coast burger that's unique to the West Hollywood location. You can only get it there. Very tasty. You know, I've certainly had Shake Shack before in New York. I've had their normal Shake Shack burgers. And this was the, you know, obviously this was basically anyone's first opportunity to

get this burger. And you know, I like the Swiss cheese, burgers well cooked, that bun is really soft and good. And yeah, the beer quality that came across and those onions was really, really, really nice. Impressive for such a long wait. Yeah, impressive for such a long wait. Like I wouldn't wait for an hour every time, but waiting this time for that experience, I didn't regret it.

I wasn't like, oh, this is a bummer. I was like, this is a really, really good burger. It was delicious. That's the word I'd use. All right. What about you, Mitch? I arrived late and I came with Maddie and Evan. Maddie was not wearing his referee shirt at the time.

Oh, he's about to blow the whistle. Off you. All right. Thank you. I'll allow it. It's the truth. And I got the, a double Smoke Shack burger, which is a cheeseburger topped with all natural apple, applewood smoked bacon, chopped cherry peppers and Shack sauce.

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Cheeseburger. There was, there was cheese on that bad boy. I liked it a lot. I agree with you. The bun was nice and soft.

I really enjoyed it. The burger was very well-seasoned and juicy. Really. It really is very flavorful. Very flavorful. A great, great burger patty. It's good. It's a really good burger.

It's almost feels like it shouldn't be in the competition because it's, because it almost feels like out of the, out of the realm of, of, but, but it, it counts in the, the, the Susser made some rule that I guess we have to follow and, and it's in there and it's really, really tasty. I, I really, I really enjoyed it. Well, I mean, this is maybe a thing to evaluate when we get to the, the newly created category of corporate value slash dollar value. Don't whistle me, Maddie.

I'm going somewhere with this. Um, do we really have to, okay, we don't, we don't have to actually add that category if you don't want. Um, I think it might be fun. I think we might offer some insight, but anyway, what I was going to say, whether or not this is an official category, this burgers, these burgers are like $8.99 like they're starting to get towards sit down restaurant pricing as opposed to, opposed to go fast food pricing and it's still an order at the counter, um, pick your food up, eat, you know, eat on the

go or eat at a table sort of scenario. So it's pretty expensive, but versus five guys, it's not that much more expensive because five guys is on the pr, the pricier end as well. So you know, this is definitely at the high end. It might be just outside the realm of what we should maybe be considering or right up to the edge of what we should be considering. But I feel like as compared to five guys, it's not a completely unfair fight. They're in a similar price category.

I agree with that. I, I, I think, I think, I think it's, I think they're equally comparable. I don't think it's, it's too crazy and I feel like I gave you 20 bucks. We told Nick our orders and he put them in and then we got there pretty much as they were coming out. It was perfect. Yeah. It worked out nicely.

I mean, not for you and I apologize. It was fine. It was no problem. But you know, the thing with five guys, when I'm eating that, one of the things that's, that sticks out to me the most and it's kind of cause they don't melt the cheese as much at least in my experience with it or like the edges of the cheese, but the cheese, the cheese stands out maybe the most overall. This Shake Shack burger is way more cohesive.

It's just a really, really delicious burger. I'm not knocking five guys. I like it. I, it is, it's a four or four. It's in the Golden Plate Club, unlike Carl's Jr. somehow. It's a really, really great, great burger and, and I, I've changed my tune about it a little bit, especially since the first episode. Me too.

I've come around. But Shake Shack really goes all out with that beef patty and, and, and it's, it's, it's really great. It's something else. Yeah. It is, it is really an impressive burger experience. I will say that, you know, just speak, just speak in a cheese that, that, that double Swiss cheese did get a little gooey as Swiss sometimes does when it melts.

So at this point, let's get to our ratings of each of these chains. Okay. Um, the categories is zero to 10 basketballs, Maddie refreshed our memory on earlier. Um, I'll go first. Pretty slash presentation. I'll give five guys. It's pretty sloppy. I mean, and it's not super creative.

It's good, but it's pretty sloppy. I'm going to give it six and a half basketballs, Shake Shack. I don't know how creative it is. I guess it's an innovator in the sense, in a franchise sense, and that it's this super high class burger that's at a, you know, something resembling fast food prices. The burgers, I guess, I don't know, I feel like they're kind of like just esteemed versions of burgers we already know. Okay.

So, but the presentation is very nice. They tend to come out looking pretty good. I'm going to give it a score of seven and a half basketballs. Condiments slash bun, you know, good condiments slash veggies at five guys. I like that you have a lot of those options. I think, you know, I customize away however you like it, but I'd get those grilled mushrooms out of that all the way if I'm advising them on a corporate level. I think five guys does have good condiments and a pretty good sesame bun.

I'd give it eight basketballs. Shake Shack, oh man, I think they just do it all really well. I'm going to give it nine and a half basketballs. Wow. Just everything is very tasty. I'm thinking of our highest basketball rating so far. A lot of basketballs, yeah. Burger slash taste, five guys, it's really tasty.

The most important category. Yeah, the most important category, and five guys delivers in the most important category. It's a tasty burger that I enjoy eating. Nine basketballs. And against most competitors, that would be a very, very substantial score, but unfortunately this is going to get Shake Shack, which is just a titan in terms of taste. Ten basketballs for Shake Shack in burger slash taste. And corporate values slash dollar value, well, I don't know much about the corporate methods

of both of these chains. This dumb new category. I do know that Shake Shack does responsibly source their beef and they have like a, you know, no genetically modified organisms or whatever the terminology is, no GMOs. But it's very expensive. Five guys also pretty expensive. I'm going to give the edge to five guys in this one. I'm going to say six basketballs to five and a half basketballs for Shake Shack.

And we'll wait on which one we're going to send to the aliens. What about you, Mitch? Go ahead. Well, I got a cough going this episode. I don't know what's happening. No. That's fine. I'm fine.

You're still sick with that Colombian flu? No, I think the flu's over. I think now just my body is deteriorating from this tournament. We've done this for so long. Someone sent a picture of you feeding me burgers and I looked like a big blob. Yeah. That was maybe the most insulting fan art. I would say so.

Not for me. I looked very, very trim, but they I mean, it was, I feel like it was, it was summing up what's happening on the show and I agree with it. I am, I'm sick. I love burgers. I'm eating them so much. This is too much. Yeah.

It's this tournament's too much. You're like the, you're like the kid who mom got mom caught eating a burger you weren't supposed to eat. So she was like, go out there and eat all these burgers. And now you're about halfway through that pack of burgers and you're like, oh, bad, this is excessive. You're, you're fine. Oh, I'm like that kid.

Oh, that kid, that classic story. How do you know that recognizable scenario from all of our, all of our youths? No, it's, it's, it's too much and except I didn't really eat the burger to begin with. I just kind of got tackle this. I'm going to make a confession too before I get down to my breakdown. I, I love John Gemberling and I thought he was great. I thought the episode was great. I loved the, I loved the outcome of the episode and to do this, to his voting and his decision

is, is fucked up. But I will say, I knew going in, this is hard for me to admit and I might tear up. Maddie, get the red card ready. I might tear up during this. Just kidding. I will never cry during a Doughboys episode. I will only cry because I want it to end and it never will. Gemberling told me that he liked, he really liked Burger King and he kind of, I kind of

got the sense that he didn't love In-N-Out. Carl's Jr. In-N-Out, you mean? No, no, he told me that he loved the Whopper. Oh, he loves the Whopper. Okay. And then he said that he would have voted Whopper over, over In-N-Out. He would have voted Burger King over In-N-Out Burger. That's right.

And so I kind of- An insane position. This is hard for me to say, but I kind of knew that Carl's Jr. was going to, was going to win it. He's got a ringer, falsifying the outcome of a match. We're going to go to review. Mattie is, Mattie is calling in the commissioner, Evan Susser. Oh, Jesus Christ.

This charade has officially reached the status of debacle. Okay, they're having some sort of quiet conference. We can't hear what they're saying. Well, we guess Susser is going to make himself the other podcast host. Do whatever you want. It sounds like- Sounds like Susser is- Heavy whispering.

Okay. All right. We're unclear on what just transpired. Mattie is back at the microphone. Mike is going to be given 10 seconds in the penalty box. 10 seconds of silence starting now. So I just got to fill 10 seconds of dead air while Mitch just sits there and nods mutely. Let me just say this.

Deflate Gate is 100% true. Tom Brady is a cheater. All right. That ends the 10 seconds. Fuck you. I kind of had a ringer. I agree with them. Listen, I like that big Carl better.

I do. I really truly like the big Carl burger more than I like the In-N-Out burger. I believe you. I'm going to stand by that. I just want- Oh, Jesus Christ. Delay of match, please stick to the topic that we're discussing. And I trust-

That's going to be another 10 seconds in the penalty box. God damn it. Beginning now. Mitch, do you just want to flash me the number of basketballs that you want for each category that might be more efficient if you're going to keep getting in the penalty box? All right. Mike, you're let out of the penalty box. Well, and that's why I want to do Carl's Jr. and In-N-Out together versus whoever wins

this. I'll stand by your decision if you're going to- I think that's fine to go back and change whatever you had to say. To my rankings, I think I got all that out. I apologize to Spoon Nation. I apologize to people listening to this podcast. It's a sad day, but anyways, I'll continue. And God bless John Gumberling.

I think it's a shame what you did to him. He's a good man. So like I said, I got a cherry Coke zero with my five guys, and I want to let it be known that with my Shake Shack order, I know that these- I know that side say on the sideline, but I just want to get it out there for the purpose of the tournament to let people be known that I did have regular fries, and I tried some of the cheese fries that Weigher had, and I ordered the Shake of the Week, which was a Mass Brothers mint chocolate shake, and I believe I got a chocolate malt instead.

That was pretty sure I was supposed to be for Maddie. And those were all really tasty, but they're not to be judged. Yeah. I'll allow it. Thank you. This is a smoked shack burger. I love the bun. I love the taste of the meat.

It's well-seasoned. I would say, as far as presentation goes for both these burgers, that neither is impressive, but I do think that Shake Shack has a better presentation than five guys. I'm going to go seven and a half basketballs for the presentation of Shake Shack to six for five guys. The next category is condiment and bun. For Shake Shack, I'm going eight basketballs. Wasn't there creativity at one point?

What the fuck happened? It is creativity slash presentation. That was the previous category. Oh, well, Shake Shack wins that too, whatever. I stand by it. Yeah. Maybe we'd even lower the basketballs. I'm going to five for five guys in the last one.

Sorry, Maddie. So now for Condiment's bun, Shake Shack's going to win this one. I'm going eight basketballs, Shake Shack, and then you're right. I agree with you that the bun at five guys is a decent bun. It's a good sesame bun. I like both of the buns. I like the bun at Shake Shack as well. It doesn't live up to the Shake Shack.

I think it's clear. Seven basketballs. Finally, burger taste, which is the most important. I think I'm going to go 10 basketballs for Shake Shack. Match in my score. It's a lot of basketballs. It's a really, really good burger. It's well-seasoned.

Five guys, you're really great. You just got outclassed here, seven basketballs, and then in your shitty new category, let's say, I don't know, seven basketballs for Shake Shack and five basketballs for five guys. You think you get more dollar value out of Shake Shack? Oh, fucking A. Well, I guess maybe you say the corporate values of Shake Shack, the corporate ethics, because I know you're something of an amateur corporate ethicist. God damn it.

I'm saying who get, you know what, they both get six basketballs. All right, fair enough. Six, just to be clear on this, the ruling was that that last category is folded into taste, which also means burger or whatever, so we'll be ignoring that last category even more than the other categories, which will also be ignored before we send these burgers to the alien. Thank you, Matt. I'm a Mac from Mac and Me.

All right, so six basketballs a piece for that final category that Mattie has ruled is invalid. All right, so we've got our scores. We want to shoot steam out of Mac's ears, which I don't think happens in the movie. I think I made this up. Yeah. Your fanfic is basically canon. No one's seen that piece of shit.

All right, so let's talk about, let's decide on the count of three, and Mitch, you can count us off. Which one we are going to send? Which burger, whether the burger from Five Guys, the burger from Shake Shack, we are going to give to Mac from Mac and Me. Count us off, Mitch. Three, so I go down from three? Yeah, down from three.

Three, two, one. Five Guys. Shake Shack. God damn it. I told you not to do that. You fucking did it. It's a red card. All right, get out of here, Mitch.

Good. Get out of here. Get out of here. Let me just say this, Five Guys, as Mitch is literally walking out of the studio, he almost tripped over his headphone. Let me just say this, I know there's a lot of Five Guys partisans out there. Your franchise got a raw deal in this Tournament of Chompians. It had to jump through a lot of hoops.

It lasted forever. It lasted a long time, and it lasted through some tough combatants, and Five Guys, you can walk out of here with your five heads held high, because you are getting the Tournament of Chompians Heart of a Chompian Award for your superior performance, and you're out. Congratulations, Five Guys. You should be very proud of the run you had. All right, Mitch is screaming, fuck you, Weigar off mic. That'll do it for this episode of Doe Boys.

This quarter portion sized mini-soad. Until next time, when we'll do a full size episode with Shake Shack versus Wendy's for Mike Mitchell the Spoon Man. This is Nick Weigar. Happy eating.