Doughboys - Tournament of Chompions: Minisode Winner v. Wendy's

Episode Date: March 24, 2016

In the penultimate episode of #MunchMadness 2016, the hilarious Nicole Byer (Party Over Here, Girl Code) joins Spoonman and Wiger to judge the winner of the previous minisode against 2-seed Wendy's. And, the first edition of a sweet new segment: Cereal.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Burgers are perhaps the only food New York City can't lay claim to, or at least they couldn't until the year 2000, when restaurateur Danny Meyer, the man behind legendary Liberty City Fine Dining Establishments Union Square Cafe and Gramercy Tavern, opened his high-end fast-casual burger joint in Madison Square Park. It spread throughout the five boroughs and across the nation, and within this very month of March 2016, it opened its first outlet in the Los Angeles community of West Hollywood, throwing a Manhattan-sized monkey wrench into the burger brawl. The only chain in the competition yet to be reviewed, though it seems a shoe-in for the

Golden Plate Club, are perhaps an even more precious medal. This New Age New York institution goes against a beloved long-standing international sensation, the legacy of Dave Thomas, who so loved his daughter he named his restaurant after her. This match-up will determine the second and final entrant in the ultimate championship. This week on Doughboys, Munch Madness 2016, the Tournament of Chompion's burger brawl continues with Shake Shack vs. Wendy's. Let's go! Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants, I'm Nick Weigher alongside

my co-host, as always, the Spoonman Mike Mitchell, how are you doing Mitch? Doing pretty good, wow, what a setup, what an exciting, uh, we're getting towards the end, we're getting towards the end, what an exciting time it is, uh, I just wanna say howdy-how to Spoon Nation, oh god damn it. Quite an oral tableau there, little of round ball rock, John Tesh's classic NBA on NBC theme, I like that. Well, uh, that drop is courtesy of the very talented Scott Geartner. Oh, that's great, we have Scott, our previous guest, Scott Geartner from our Hard Rock Cafe

episode. That's right, at Scott Geartner on Twitter, uh, a great talented man who's done a lot of great stuff, check him out, writer and director for Conan, Moonbeam City. So this was a, that was a huge waste of his very valuable time making that drop for you. He said that it was the most fulfilling thing he's ever done. Thank you, Scott, you're the man, and uh, I'm pretty happy you didn't send you one, so uh, yeah. Well, I don't request them.

Well, thank you. Are you hanging in there at this stage in the tournament, Mitch, I know we've had a lot of burgers. No. Uh, it's like harder for me to sit up, um, on my couch, I, I'm a mess, this is not a good thing. I, I do, you know, I've always said that, um, what's his name, who made Super Size Me?

Morgan Sporlock. Morgan Sporlock, yeah. I've always said that he's a lying piece of shit, but, uh, there might be something to it. Eating, you know, eating these burgers is, uh, it's taking its toll. Yeah. Well, you know, you already have, you're just supplementing, you're already not maybe the best diet.

Okay, yeah. Thanks. But it's just, it's am, it's having an amplifying effect, just having a few extra burgers. That's true. I would say, I feel like you could substitute your normal fast food intake with what we're eating for the championship, but you seem to be adding it on top of what you're already eating. Hey, I don't want to change my lifestyle for this podcast.

Well, we are one step closer to the finish line. We're getting even closer tonight with the aid of our guest, uh, from MTV's Girl Code and Fox's party over here, which airs Saturday nights at 11. The hilarious Nicole buyer is here. Hi, Nicole. Hello. What a spirited, what a spirited greeting. I love it.

Can't help it. It's perpetually in a very good mood. Oh, that's nice to hear. Nicole and I were on a Harold team at the UCB Theater together. I love Nicole. She's very funny. The funniest. Or great buds.

And also, she likes me more than Weigher. Oh, don't say that. I mean, he was your boss and I'm your friend. I don't know if I was, it was quite a boss relationship. We were co, we collaborated on a show. Yes, we collaborated. Okay. I like you.

I love you both equally. Who would you choose though? For different reasons. Who would I choose? Yeah, me or Nick. Don't make her choose me. It depends. No, she should.

If we're going to go to say, like a hoedown, I think I would pick Nick. Oh boy, okay. I think if we were going to, if we were going to go ballroom dancing, I'd pick you, Mitch. I don't know why any scenarios we're going to dancing. Two very different styles. Choosing Nick over me is like choosing like a Roomba over a human being. A Roomba. A Roomba.

Isn't that a little, a little, a little robot vacuum? Yeah. It sucks up dirt and dust. Yeah. You are about as fun as a Roomba. Well, you know what? A Roomba is hardworking and does the job it's supposed to do, so I will take the compliment I might make.

Jesus Christ. Both of you freak out cats. In the realm of robots. This is actually, this is a question that's very appropriate for our podcast. I felt, Nicole, because we discuss, as you might expect with the two of us hosting the two coolest dudes at LA, we talk about Star Wars a lot, and my understanding is you have never seen a Star Wars. Is that correct?

Never in my life. Not even, not even The Force Awakens, the new one. No. Well, that's good. The only thing I've ever seen is the, the words that go up. The opening crawl. The opening crawl. But I, I know who people are.

I know a Chewbacca is someone with a, he's got a long weave that covers his whole body. Yeah. Well, he's an animal, I believe. Oh, is he? Well, what would Chewbacca look like shaved? I don't, I mean, I'm sure someone has some fan art depicting that very thing. Yeah, look at that actually. I'm gonna be like a, like a hairless cat pretty much.

Hmm, all right. I thought it would just be like, like Patrick Stewart, like a bald male. Just with like lots of weave on him. And I know a Han Solo and the Bun Lady or Brother and Sister, Princess Leia. They're not Brother and Sister, they are, they are, they are dating, they are an item and they are married or they have, they have an estranged relationship in The Force Awakens. But isn't Princess Leia like brothers with somebody? She is, she is the sister of Luke Skywalker, who is the hero of the original children.

And then, but then Darth Vader is his dad. So that's not Princess Leia's dad. It is also Princess Leia's dad. Spoiler alert, it is Princess Leia's dad is Darth Vader. Oh, oh, okay. So why didn't she get like a fun reveal? I should say spoiler alert. I mean, it's not really a spoiler, I feel like everyone has seen it.

Yeah. And someone who hasn't even seen the movies understands like the central plot twist. So it's pretty much out there in the big guys. Why haven't you, why didn't you watch Star Wars? We had episodes, what, four, five, six? Is that? Yeah, that's your original. Yeah, growing up.

And then my sister watched them and then I was like, no, thank you. And then I grew up and then I was like, I'm never going to watch these. And then the new ones came out and people were like, these are bad. So I was like, ah, Star Wars is bad. And then I just never, and then I didn't want to see the new one because I haven't seen the old one. And then there's a black man in it. I was.

I'm kidding. Listeners, I'm black. Wait, you're mad at the... I'm just kidding. Oh, okay. I'm absolutely just kidding. I was going to say there's a black guy in both of them. Well, I know James Earl Jones plays Darth Vader, but then they were like, we can't show

a black man, so then he's wearing a helmet. He's wearing a... Well, he doesn't even play the body, he just does the voice. Oh. Yeah. David Proud was the body. That's right. Weigert got that.

Who? Nirty ass information out. David Proud was a, I think he was a stage actor just known for his physical movements. Interesting. Yeah. In Bigger, kind of a, well, I mean like James Earl Jones also a large man, but had a different physique. Yeah.

But also Billy D. Williams, Lando Coward is in The Empire Strikes Back in Return of the Jedi. I love Billy D. Everybody loves Billy D. He is pretty. I would say that Billy D. Williams' performance in The Empire Strikes Back is worth the price of admission alone, you being a Billy D. Williams fan. So I would recommend if you're going to watch A Star Wars, maybe take that one in.

It sounds like you have enough context to understand what's going on. Yeah, I get it. So just watch all three. You'll like all three. But then, okay, I have seen a little bit more than the words. I've seen the two little robots, the dumpster and then the gold man. I've seen them walking through the desert talking about something and I was like, I don't get this.

I don't know which movie that's the first one, is that the beginning of the first one? There's a lot of C-3PO and R2-D2 together. I think that's when I checked out. They remind me of like, you know the poster for that movie Twins with Alan Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito? That's what they remind me of because C-3PO is so tall and then the dumpster is so small. What's that one? R2-D2.

It's like an intentional psych gag, I feel like. R2-D2 is definitely like the day DeVito of the robot world, I'd say. He's got a little spunk. He's got a little spunk, he's like a mole. He makes you laugh. Mitch House, familiar of a scenario, is this for you explaining Star Wars to a disinterested woman? I feel like this is something that's happened about two dozen times in my life at various

points. Yeah, this happens a lot. I'll tell you what, for the right man, I'd watch it and I'd pretend to be interested. Billy D. Williams is that right man. He's great. Well, he's old. I don't want to date him now. But you know, I feel like his looks held up for so, because he's like almost 80, right?

I don't know what he looks like anymore. He still looks pretty good. He's aged into a silver fox. He's still looking pretty good. But yeah, young Billy D. was a very, very handsome man. Spoiler alert, not in the Force Awakens. He's not? Nope.

Wait, does that black man play a young Billy D. Williams? No. John Ortega? No, that's not right. John Boyega. Oh. You think you've conflated it with Ortega Salsa perhaps because you're in a food podcast. You got Salsa on the brain.

Yeah, nice. That's cool. Yeah. John Boyega does a great job in the movie. He's got a lot of charisma. The character of Finn will resonate throughout the Star Wars extended universe for all time. Who's Finn? Who's Finn?

Oh, Finn is a former stormtrooper who... Those are the people in the white. Yes. Yeah. Who live with Darth Vader? Yeah, they're on Darth Vader's side and then as since Darth Vader's gone and the Force Awakens they're on the side of Kylo Ren who is Darth Vader's spiritual and a little bit more than spiritual heir as you'll see if you watch the movie.

But yeah, Finn is like a former stormtrooper. He deserts the first order, which are the bad guys in the Force Awakens and ends up on the side of good. Oh, no. I hate the Force Awakens and you get in trouble for not liking it. That's the newest one? Yeah, that's the newest one. And you hate it?

It wasn't good. Why? Because it's a bad movie. I mean, like, there is... It is funny because there is that other side of it of people are like, oh, people don't like it because the lead is a lady and the other lead is a black guy. Not true. That's not the case.

Even though Weigur will try to make it seem like that's the reason I don't like it. The reason I don't like it is because it's just not good. It's not a good Star Wars movie. It's not enjoyable. So apparently the only good Star Wars movies are four, five and six. That's what the general consensus is today. I'd say yes. Those are the only great Star Wars movies.

And it seems like this new one, people are like, it'll do because it's better than the Natalie Portman ones. That's right. The real name is Natalie Herschelog. Is that true? Yes. Herschelog. Something like that.

Good God. Herschelog? Sounds kind of like some sort of snack or Herschelog. Wait, let me look that up. I might be lying. I hope it's Herschelog. I feel like it is. I don't think I have a chance with Herschelog one way or the other.

Do you think any Star Wars fans are angrily tweeting at us the answer right now? I'm gonna colleagues it up on her phone. Natalie Portman, real name. That's the first thing that comes up. Man, she was... Yeah, Herschelog. Wow. I had quite the crush on her when she was in the new ones.

I'm sorry. In the prequels. In the 1, 2, 3. Yeah. Your crush goes back to her genre-no movie or screen debut, right? I knew where you were going. I wish you were going to be in the movie. What was the movie called?

The Professional. The professional, yeah. Dumbass. She's like a preteen in the professional. And there were a lot of guys who were like, she actually is cute for a younger girl. That was like... Oh yeah. There were a ton of creeps.

That's my least favorite sentence. She's really cute for like a young girl and it's like, get your dick back in your pants and wait till she grows up. Just wait. Well here at the Dope Boys, we always got our dicks in our pants. Sandwiched safely between our belly and our belt while we put food down our throat. All right. That's such a funny image to imagine.

So I'm like, I can't go out. I'm putting my dick between the belt and then be like... Nicole, you're from New Jersey. Am I right about that? Yes. All right. So what are the eats like in New Jersey? I know it's New York adjacent.

I'm not sure exactly what part of Jersey you're from. I'm from Middletown, which is like the middle of New Jersey. It's a lot of chain restaurants. I grew up loving Red Lobster. I still love Red Lobster. They'd go there a lot, but there wasn't good food in Jersey. I got you. I feel like until I got a little older and then this place called Red Bank got poppin'

and then there was delicious food there. But for the most part, chain restaurants. Yeah. I feel like so many Jersey people love their food. They're like them and Philly people always going... Maybe it's more like home cooked meals or something in Jersey. Yeah. There's a lot of Italian people in Jersey who are like, oh, my mom's fucking raviolis.

Yeah. All right. I guess they're good. I don't know. Were you a Sopranos fan going out? I haven't seen the Sopranos. Oh, man. I know.

And people say it's wonderful. I also haven't seen The Wire, which is allegedly the greatest television show of all time. Oh, that's one of the best. I just... Do I have time? Yes. I don't know if I'll ever watch them, though. But I like mafia stuff, so I watch Mob Wives.

I should just watch the Sopranos. You should watch... It's also a great food show. I think we've mentioned it on the podcast. Oh, yeah? It's one of the better food shows. What are some good food shows? I mean, besides, obviously, like the food channel show, network shows.

Yeah. You mean outside of Top Chef or Chopped? I love Chopped. Chopped Junior? Oh, yeah. I didn't realize there's a Junior edition of Chopped. I gotta out that out. It's a bunch of children running around frantically.

And then one calm, cool, collected one that's like, I know everything. I love it. I would... If I... Chopped is like such an airplane show. If I'm on an airplane, I'm gonna be walking in Chopped. Or I feel like if I moved back home and wanted to go down... Don't do it.

And I wanted to go down into my basement and just grow old, I would like turn on Chopped and just watch Chopped every day till I was an old man. I feel like it's like such a time killer. It just is always on. Every single day, you can watch four episodes of Chopped if you want to watch it. I've thought about giving up acting and moving to Arizona next to a red lobster and living out my days. And like getting so fat that they have to like scoop me out of my house when I'm dead.

That sounds so appealing to me. Is there a specific reason Arizona factors into the fantasy? Oh, because I feel like it's the same weather-ish as LA, so it'd be nice. A little hotter, but yeah. Oh, is it? Well, I just didn't want the pressure of like people being like, Nicole, you can't live next to a red lobster and gain all that weight. Which I feel like people would say to me in LA, in Arizona, ooh wee.

You're moved from the hustle and bustle. I would say that it's maybe too early, at least for you, to say we're going to pack up and watch. If any of the three of us are going to give up, you were by far the person who should do that the least. Like me and Mitch, we're both almost there. Let's just say that. If you blindfolded Nick and put a gun in his mouth, he'd be able to guess what it was.

Do you think that's accurate? Oh no. Wait, you've held a gun in your mouth enough times? I'm familiar with the feeling. Well, I'm not sure how distinct that is. I mean, I feel like you'd be able to tell regardless of who you are. It would be funny if someone put a gun in your mouth and you were blindfolded and they're like, guess what it is?

And you were like, a roll of pennies. And they were like, what now? Why would I put a roll of pennies in your mouth? A curling iron. Nicole should give up the least of the three of us. Yeah. It's awkward to figure out how to phrase that. I think you and I...

You have the most reason to keep going. How about that? I think you and I should take each other out. And I think that's what this... Oh no! I think that's what this podcast is kind of moving towards anyways. Well, Mitch, I mean, I have an honest assessment of my physical stature versus you. I feel like you would squash me like a field mouse.

I don't know. I think you're pretty scrappy. I'm definitely scrappy. And I think from a cardio standpoint, I could outrun you for a little bit. Maybe worry you out. But I think you're just so much larger than me. From a cardio standpoint? Well, I think if we're talking about...

Like, where are we doing this? Are we doing this thing? Who gives a shit about cardio? I don't give a fuck. I'd get in the car and kill you. Oh, you're talking about this is just in the world. Well, you two got dropped in the Hunger Games. Nick, you would definitely be able to outrun Mitch.

Yeah. But then... But that's not like I have the other advantages. I don't know. I think... Is there an eating competition in the Hunger Games? No. No, they don't give you food.

All right. I'm a fuck. I think Nick would kill you in the Hunger Games. I don't think you would kill me in the Hunger Games. I really do. I would kill you like how Jason in a great Jason Friday the 13th death. I would put you in a sleeping bag and hit you against a tree, I feel. Oh my God.

Is that a real death? That's a real one in front of the 13th part. Do they pick the person up and slam them into a tree? Yeah, they're in a sleeping bag and they close the end of... Jason closes the end of the sleeping bag, hits the girl, I believe, against a tree. I would be so mad if that's how I died. Tweeted us. Let us know what...

I mean, it would be a terrible way to die. Tweeted us. Let us know if you know what Friday the 13th movie is or if you've ever done that yourself. And then turn yourself in, I guess, appropriately. It would be a terrible way to die, but I think not below you, I guess I should say. Yeah. The Friday the 13th death, I remember, is from Jason. Is it Jason Takes Manhattan, part eight?

I know this one, too. And it's on the... He spends very little time in Manhattan in the movie, but he's on the roof of a building and he punches off a man's head. He punches off... Oh my God. Yeah, he punches off a guy's head. These are terrible ways to die.

Also, I believe that this was the time... This was like the racist 80s. It was a black guy. Of course. And he wanted to street-fight him. And then he punched his head off and it landed in a dumpster and the dumpster closed. Kind of a street-fighter scenario that backfired. Yes, exactly.

It's kind of a bummer. Yeah. I mean, I guess it was like kind of like a quick painless... It must have been... I mean, that might like... If you're going to die one way, isn't it like wouldn't it be fascinating to be like, my head just fell in a dumpster like you would know that? Fascinating.

Sure. That's the word I'd use. That's a lot of force to punch someone's head right off of their body. Yeah, Jason is fucking strong. What is Jason? I've never seen Friday the 13th. He's just a man in a ski mask with like super strains. He was like kind of like a young Wager type guy.

And then he drowned in the lake while camp counselors weren't paying attention to him. Oh no. And yeah, so like... I don't know if this is an appropriate word. Is it the N word? Because it's not. Dear God. Don't say it.

A mentally challenged, I guess, is the way to describe Jason. That's the word I'm going to go with. Yeah, I think that's the PC term these days. And yeah, then he comes back from the... Actually, in the first one, spoilers. It's his mother who was killing everyone dressed up as this guy in a hockey mask. Kind of a reverse... Reversed psycho?

Yeah, reverse psycho. Reverse psycho, yeah. So his mother was dressing up like her dead son. Or wait, or just dressing up in his ski mask? You don't really see... Is the first one just a bag? I think you might not even see the hockey mask in the first one. Yeah, I don't think it was in there.

You just see people get killed, more so. And then the second one is where Jason comes back? And then the second one, I believe in the second one, Jason does begin to exist as a monster, but I think he has a bag on his head at that point. There's going to be... I know Paul Russ is a huge Friday the 13th fan. Paul tweeted us, let us know.

Paul, if you're listening to this podcast after you've prepared out our Wendy's episode, and you have some Friday the 13th facts for us, only you tweet at us. Yeah, no one else, please. So let's say you go to Red Lobster, your favorite chain. What were your go-to menu items there? Is this a place you go back to in adulthood? Yeah, I spent my last birthday alone in a Red Lobster in Ohio.

Whoa. I was on tour. I didn't fly specifically to Ohio to Red Lobster. I happened to be in a shitty town in Ohio and went to the Red Lobster. I know this was your first attempt at living alone next to a Red Lobster. Yep, I stayed in the best Western in just eight. My favorite thing, the Cheddar Bay Biscuits, of course, that you get for free. I always get a garden salad, extra croutons with the ranch.

Their ranch is so good. In fact, I went on a hunt for what ranch it is. It's just craft. I love craft ranch. I have a gallon in my refrigerator, which is so gross. It's a great dressing. They do a good job with it. I love it. And then I get shrimp, scampi, and then a lobster tail,

and then a half portion of Aztec Chicken Linguine. Wow, two quart of flours. And then I won't eat it all. I'll eat half of everything in a very weird way, and then package the rest of it and take it home and then eat it later. I got a confession to make. Never been to a red lobster. I think I said it on the podcast.

Oh, my God. Why? Because I'm from the Boston area. You know how it is up there. We got fucking fish and shit all over the place. But like, oh, I love red lobster. Red lobster doesn't really even like, I didn't see them at all growing up.

They just weren't around. Really? In Jersey, they were around. Only what? And also, they're in predominantly black areas. I don't know why. I think it's because you can like be like, take a little day and be like,

I got you a whole lobster for $20. My sister and I used to call it black people's fine dining because after church, people would go with like their big hats. I love red lobster. I remember my dad, I missed this, but when my dad was sick, he went to a church like that. And I remember him saying that he loved the experience. I really wish I got to be there because like,

the pastor was talking about like how they were like, he's going to fight this and like the church was going crazy. And he said that my family loved the entire experience. I got to check that out. Black churches are pretty animated. Yeah. And then some black churches like southern, I guess it's southern Baptist.

Maybe it's not. I don't know. My grandmother's church, people spoke in tongues. Whoa. Which is an insane thing to watch. That's cool. Because all of a sudden people are like, I can't help but laugh every time I see it because it's so funny.

I got to get myself over that. Sounds like fun. I used, I mean, church early on, I feel like church, I had to go to church on Sundays. And then it would be some sort of a brunch or breakfast source scenario, which was the only good thing about going to church back when I was younger. And we would do like, yeah, some sort of,

we didn't do Red Lobster, but we did like Eggs Benedict or something like that. See, black churches never get out early enough for Eggs Benedict. You go to church, like black churches start at like 8.30 and then go till about three. Wow. Maybe I wouldn't like that. That's like a school day.

You got to go to Sunday school first. And then there's a bunch of songs and then there's scripture and then a solo and then there's prayers and then the sermon lasts for like an hour and a half. Holy shit. It is so long. I'm, I wake up the time it's letting out. Yeah, it's tough.

I still got to get over there and check it out at some point. So what, for you, what is, what's like a, what's a Sunday brunch? What's your ideal Sunday brunch? An ideal Sunday brunch, me as an adult would be somewhere with very good drinks. Okay. Are you a Sunday drinker?

Oh, I'm a everyday drinker. I love booze. Like my friend, Alison Rich, who worked on party over here with us. At the light. Had a birthday. So then we just like went to mess hall and just drink so many drinks and then we're just screaming on the back patio. It was wonderful.

I loved it. It was like 3 p.m. Are you a, do you do Bloody Marys but most says what you're go to for brunch? I do not like Bloody Marys. I think it's like drinking cold ketchup. I don't like tomato soup. So I also do, I like, I'll have a mimosa without the orange juice. Champagne.

But I like to order it like that because it confuses servers. You're like, wait, so you just want champagne? I'm like, nope, I want a mimosa. But I like vodka sodas. And then I like, like specialty cocktails like a mint julep or something fun like that. Yeah, whatever they've got on the menu. A lot of like, I feel like too, there's this, and we all come from the improv world originally.

And I feel like like the specialty cocktails are named so similar to like improv teams. They're just like... Yeah, like a Moscow Mule. Welcome to the stage, Moscow Mule! Yeah. I love a good Moscow Mule. That is tasty. You get that in that copper mug.

It's a... I'm a Mai Tai guy through and through. I've said that on the podcast before. Yeah, Mai Tai's. What's in a Mai Tai? It's rum, it's light rum and dark rum. And then it's like a bunch of different kind of fruit juices. Right?

I guess that's close enough to what it is. Yeah, you give a vague description of any number of juice. Pineapple juice. There's some orange juice. It depends. A lot of places make it differently. It's like pineapple, orange, maybe a little cranberry. Grenadine, I believe, is put in it.

Oh, grenadine, okay. But some places are... They're red, right? Yeah, they can sometimes be red, sometimes be brown, sometimes be kind of light. You can make a Mai Tai a lot of different ways. I have a theory though. I feel like ladies love brunch and ladies love Sunday drinking more than guys do. What do you think of that?

That ladies love Sunday brunch more than guys? Yeah. I think women love brunch more than any other person. More than kids, more than men. Ladies are like, brunch! Because it's like, all your friends get together, you talk about what happened in the week, you're drinking, you get sloppy drunk, and it's just a great time. There's this place in New York I had never been, but apparently it was bottomless mimosas

or bottomless whatever. And it was like, you could stay there for five hours, so people would just be puking in the streets, just leaving belligerently drunk, and I was like, I want to go there. I love being belligerent during the day. New Yorkers. There's nothing more fun than being in an Uber at 3 p.m., being like, I just don't really know where I live. New York is definitely way more of a drinking city than L.A.

Yes, there's no doubt. Well, you don't have to drive everywhere. All right, we took a second to look up Natalie Portman's birth name, so I took a second to look up the ingredients in a Mai Tai. One and a half ounces white rum, one half ounce fresh lime juice, half ounce orange curacao, half ounce orgyat syrup, orget syrup, three quarter ounce dark rum. So it is fundamentally white rum and dark rum, and then some various juices. Yeah, I think there's a lot of different variations on it.

In fact, the version I gave is very much like a chili's Mai Tai or something, like a two sweet. Do you like sweet drinks? Well, here's the thing, I do, but a Mai Tai is sweet, but I like Mai Tai's that aren't too sweet, because you can get them that have a little bit of a bite to it from the dark rum. I like refreshing drinks. Cucumber, and I've just started getting into gin, so a cucumber-ginny thing is good for

me. I like that. When I'm not doing carbs, I do tequila, soda water, and lime is my big one. You should do vodka and soda water. They're almost equal. They're close. Are they? Yeah, they're pretty good.

They're both good. All right. But Mai Tai is probably my favorite. That's my favorite. It's like an island drink, but it can be very refreshing, depending on the one you get. We're going to have some Mai Tai's. Mai Tai's in Star Wars would be great. All right.

Are you asking me on a date? Hell yeah, Weigher. Yes! Not invited. Let's go on a date! I'm glad to see this happen. You could lose your red lobster cherry. Weigher's even looking through the window.

Hey, the windows are all steamed up. Steaming red lobster. Let's go on a date. I've been on some terrible Tinder dates. Oh, God. Tinder is terrible. I've heard, yeah. I've missed this whole generation of online dating.

Oh, yeah. Because I've been with my wife for a while. How long have you been with your wife? It must be fair. You missed the last generation of whatever dating was too. We've been married for five years. So yeah, Tinder is... Wait, how long have you been together?

We've been together for over 10 years. Holy shit. It's a long-term relationship. Wait, have I ever seen a picture of her? I don't know. I can show you one. Yes. Okay, wait.

It's a drawer. It's a drawer. I honestly don't know if I have one saved on my phone. Whoa. What a nice husband. That's terrible. Well, no, I don't know if I have one that I've taken recently. Does she have an Instagram?

She does have an Instagram. I hope Natalie's on Tinder. I hope Natalie's on Tinder. For her sake. Wait, you met in college, right? No. Yeah, after college. After college.

Yeah. But you knew each other before that. We knew each other before. Guys, it's a long, torrid romance. It took place. I told you guys, I love knowing who people fuck. I don't know why, but I just love it. I love knowing what people go home to.

That's a brunch topic, I feel like. Yeah, who are you fucking talking about? This is going to be easier to find via Instagram. You're right. All right, let me just go to... Oh, cool. The segment of the show where Nick looks through his phone. You can't find a picture of Natalie.

What the fuck is wrong with you? I asked. Well, I can't believe you just can't pull up a picture of Natalie instantly. Well, here's the thing. It's not like we're like, you know, we've been married a long time. It's not like we're just photographing each other all the time. We need to take selfies when we, like, will go out on occasion. I'm sure I have one on here.

Oh, God. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Here we go, here we go, here's one. This was a lovely date. We went out and we had... This was a brunch one. We went out to Shae J and Santa Monica. Here's the two of us.

Do you live in Santa Monica? Yeah, I do. Oh, she's a babe! I like her. I like her too. Way out of Nick's league. No, I think you guys look very cute together. Thank you for saying that, Nicole.

She'll appreciate that. Does she listen to the podcast? She does and she gets very mad and she takes Mitch's side over mine. Oh, no! Does she get Wi-Fi in the dungeon you keep her in? Jesus Christ. This is some sort of Buffalo Bill scenario where I've got her to well. Sure, more like a room scenario.

Oh, no, room was so sad. I don't get why that kid wasn't nominated for an Oscar. I thought he was not? No, he was not. That's weird. He was... I thought he was better than Brie Larson. Don't come for me, Brie.

Here's what I think. I thought the room seemed nice. I mean, besides obviously... Oh, come on, Mitch. He was not. I mean, obviously there's the terrible side of it. There's a rapist man. He's a happy with room.

Yes, but the room itself was not bad looking. Get yourself an N64 in there. Oh, no. I could go and live in that room forever and be happy. No, you couldn't. People would try to get me out of that room and I wouldn't want to leave. That's basically your life now. I live in a version of room right now.

No, Mitch. Living room. Do you still live in the place that I know? Same place. You knew it. I still live there. So low now. You live so low?

Why? Because all my roommates have moved out to bigger and better places. And I keep Old Palmy and I... I shouldn't say the name before I live. Yeah, don't say it. Is it expensive? I thought you meant Old Palmy. I thought you were referring to your hand.

Oh, no. What the fuck? You call your hand and you jerk off with Old Palmy? Old Palmy. That's pretty funny. Wait, how much is your rent? That's such a rude question. I can't answer this, can I?

What is it? And then things, or is it like 2000 and then something? I guess whispering into a microphone? It defeats the purpose of whispering. No one wants to know my rent. I will say that it's probably the second one you said. Oh, okay. And so I'm going to be out of room soon enough.

I'm going to be on the street if I... No, you won't. You're on love. Is that a sweatshirt from Love? It's a sweatshirt from Love that I wear all the time because I'm lazy and I wear... No, that's cute. What does the other side say? It says Love and it says season one.

That's cute. Unless Doe Boy starts paying $20,000 a month, I'm probably in some trouble. $20,000? Doe Boy pays. Doe Boy's costs. What would you say? It costs us probably an average of... 100 a month?

Yeah, I think that's probably fair. And it wastes... Guess sweet time, Dustin's sweet time. Most of all are listeners' sweet time. Yeah, and none of that can be measured. It can be doing anything more productive. Wait, you spent $100 a month on food for the podcast? It's probably not that much.

Between the two of us. No. Not 100 bucks a piece. So four restaurants times... What, 15? We're spending an average of $25 a person per restaurant. I'm saying like, okay, eat $15. Eat a lot of fast food.

Like, how much were you buying extras? I would say $15, 100%. No, but I would buy... We try to buy our guests. If you go to eat with us, we'll try to buy you. We do not go together. And then sometimes there's a snack that we'll buy for the podcast. So that eats into the budget a little bit.

So yeah, maybe $15 a person per episode is about... Listeners don't give a shit about this, I realize. No, this is great. This is what the podcast is all about. We try to remember what happened in Friday the 13th. And then we try to divine our budget for food expenditure. Isn't this great? It's been 40 minutes of not thinking about this dumb choppy-n-ship.

It's over with. I love the name choppy-n-ship. Oh, great. I love puns. It grosses some people out when they hear it. I think it's funny. Someone told me that they didn't like the... I think Deanna Russo told me that she didn't like the word choppy-n-ship.

Oh, really? Oh, I like it. Oh, I take that as a personal insult. Oh, what the fuck? I take that as a personal insult. I like Deanna a lot. Deanna is great. All right, let's talk about burgers then, since we've gotten so wildly off track.

So how do you feel... Can I tell you about a burger that I just had that's not a part of the choppy-n-ship? Of course. I would love nothing more. Okay, there's this place called 25 Degrees in the Roosevelt Hotel that has... I've been there. Have you been there? Yeah, I've been there.

I love those burgers. I think it's a brioche bun. It's a little too bunny, but once you mash it down, it's so... Ugh, so good. Which one specifically did you get? Because they have a few burgers there. They have like three or four ones that are like pre-toppings. Yeah.

So I got a beef patty with American cheese, because I love the taste. It's like weird and waxy. Bacon, a fried egg, and avocado. Ooh, wait, it was so good. It's a really yummy classic burger. I loved it. I want to try this place. I...

You can't post-made it, and I don't know why. That's a bummer. It is, and it's open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. So do you like burgers? Love burgers. You love burgers. Love. What was your...

And we asked a lot of the guests that come on and do this. What was your experience like with burgers back in the day? In New York and New Jersey? All right. Grown up. My mama made burgers. Well done. Oh, yeah.

So I only knew about well-done burgers, and I was always like, oh, burgers are like hard and not like delicious. And then I think it was in New York, and I think it was a restaurant called Landmark, where I had my first, like, medium rare burger. Oh, boy. And then that was the first place I had a medium rare steak. Never looked back. Oh, wow.

Nothing more than medium rare. I'll even do rare burger in the mood. Ooh, that's great. Hit us up. Hashtag, what's your temp? I feel like... I feel like... I feel like that's a good...

Hit us up with whatcho too. I feel like that's an interesting thing to know. Yeah. What's your burger? Actually, yeah. Burger and steak. I want to hear both of them. I definitely got like...

I definitely was a well-done kid and got more in the... With a burger, I'd still go like medium, but with a steak, I'd definitely like a medium rare. But like, yeah, a lot of people, I think they get fixated on what they have as a kid, and they never break out of that well-done mold. Yeah. I don't know why my mother made everything well-done. A lot of people eat a lot of things well-done, though.

My dad was a big into well-done, too. Oh, yeah. My grandma made a great burger, too. They're not good. He made bad burgers. He made great steaks. But he did not make great burgers. My grandma makes a good burger.

She puts egg yolks in it. Oh, shit. Oh. And I don't... And like breadcrumbs. Yeah, yeah. My grandma... They're really good.

My grandma made a great burger, too, and she broiled it. You know the broiler on the bottom of the... I just learned about broiling things, and then I learned you can cut a hot dog in the middle and put it in a broiler, and it curls up, and it's crunchy. It's so good. It was the best hot dog I've ever had inside, and I just loved it. Hot dogs, you know what? Maybe there should be a tournament of hot dogs at one point, because I feel like...

Hot dogs are good. They're real good. They're really good. The thing is, I don't think they're enough... Since we focus so much on chain restaurants, I'm not sure if they're enough hot dog chains. Shake Shack has a hot dog. Yeah. That W place is a hot dog place.

We nurse Nitzel. Red Robin has hot dogs. We nurse Nitzel. And then pink... what, pinks? Pinks, yeah. You could do it. Maybe not. We could figure out some sort of wiener tournament.

Yeah. But I think let's wait and see if this podcast is still around in one year before we tackle another tournament, because I think this one is pretty much... It's pretty much sapped the life out of both of us for different reasons. Yeah. I feel like... Yeah. I have never felt more on Death's Tournament.

So, this week our combatants were Shake Shack and Wendy's. And it was Shake Shack just a beat of five guys in the mini-soad, which was out yesterday. If you're listening to this on a Thursday, it came out on Wednesday of this week. Shake Shack triumphed over five guys. How do you feel about five guys, though, Nicole? Do you have any opinion? I personally like five guys. Yeah.

I think it's a little greasier than Shake Shack. Okay. But I also don't like their bacon. Their bacon's a little burnt, but they give you a bunch of fries. Oh wait, we're not talking about fries. Just burgers. You can still talk about fries. I like that their buns are mushy.

I like a mushy bun. I like a potato bun. A Wendy's bun is very mushy, and I love that. But I like five guys. I don't love it, but I like it. Yeah, I feel like that was our kind of assessment. And Mitch had a similar observation about the bacon, which it is pretty crispy. Everything there is like cooked super, you know, talking about well done versus cooking

temperature. Everything there is very, very well done. Your grandma, oh, I don't know if she's still with us, but she must be... She is a limited buyer. 100%. She must be working the grill, or my dad must be working that grill because they're too well cooked. They over...

Too much. They do it too much. It's too much. Yeah, and then they like... Do they flatten it? What do they do? Oh, I don't know what they do. But also they have peanuts, which is cool.

Yeah, I do like... Do you like the peanut factor? I don't like that it's everywhere, but I love peanuts. That's my thing is that they get everywhere. Like they're throwing them down on the... Cavalierly, like having them on the floor, I'm not a fan of. It's upsetting. Yeah, that's a little too much.

It's a fucking circus environment in there. It's disgusting. There's peanut shells all over the place. Everywhere. That's like when you go to a baseball game or something and it's nasty to walk around peanut shells. Yeah. It's fucking gross.

It is kind of gross. Yeah. It's... I'm not... I've come around on the peanuts because I think the peanuts are a tasty, free snack. And I like that they're just kind of all in on peanuts. Originally, I was like, well, we're such a peanut allergy infested society that I feel like you're taking a substantial chunk of your market and putting it out there.

Okay, I'm buying that. I'm kind of like, no, we got fucking peanuts. You don't like peanuts? Get out of here. Also, I think they fry their fries in peanut oil. They do. It's like, it's pure peanut. It's a lot of peanut.

The owner was just like, fuck everyone with a peanut allergy. You fuck up my plane ride sometimes. Sometimes on planes, you can't have bags of peanuts if there's someone on it with an allergy. Yeah, I've heard that. It's annoying. There was this guy in elementary school, Brian Holt, and he was allergic to everything. It was before kind of a lot of kids were allergic to everything.

He could not eat anything. He couldn't have peanut butter on the bus with him and stuff like that. Poor Brian. I feel bad for him. I remember his snack was there was this weird instrument that he'd poke into an orange and drink the juice out of the orange. Ew! That fucking sucks.

My baby sat a little boy when I first moved to LA that was allergic to everything, but ham and blueberries. He would just eat ham and blueberries. Also, he was the stickiest kid I've ever met. Oh, man. He was so gross. His mom was like, if you want, just dunk him in the pool. I was like, no.

What a weird... You can dunk him in the pool if you want because he's so sticky. It wasn't because he was sticky. I think she was like, if you want to have fun, he's good enough to get in the pool. But I was like, ew. Did she just dunk him in the pool, bring him inside, and let him roll around on the floor? Oh, and her floor was so crunchy. That was my least favorite babysitting job.

I ran into Brian Holt at my 10-year high school reunion. Oh. And I actually didn't... Were you the most successful person there? No. I mean, everyone still makes fun of me and Quincy constantly. But I wanted Brian Holt... Why?

You're on TV. Yeah, still. I will never, my goal of it, trying to raise my status and be respected like a human being, it doesn't do anything for that. No, but really, you went to your 10-year high school reunion and nobody was impressed that you were on television? A couple people were happy for me, I feel like. Well, I talked to Brian Holt and he puked all over my shoes.

Wait, at the reunion? At the reunion. Like, I was talking to him, so apparently he's not allergic to alcohol. Or maybe he is. Maybe he is allergic. He was just talking... I was talking in a circle with people and Brian was standing there and then all of a sudden he just fucking barfed all over my shoes, like between the laces.

And I was like, well, my night's over. You know, I think that is mentioned. I think that his biggest allergy of all is failure. He's sick fuck. I loved it. All right, so let's talk about... Okay. So our combatants were Wendy's and Shaycheck.

We're having fun. We're having a great time. We're having a great time. I want to relate. I babysat too back in the day. Did you really? Yeah. I never actually babysat, but I got babysat a few times.

That's my contribution. It sounds like this happened in the last year. I got babysat a few times. I don't even know what kind of freak shit you're talking about. Babiesitting at first was hard, but then you realize, uh, babies are pretty indestructible. Yeah. Like I slammed a babysat into the wall. Not like force them.

Sure. That sounds terrible. I was holding him and he had a big head and it lulled back as I was walking and then it slammed into the door frame and it was like thud. And then I was like, if I make a big deal, he's going to cry. If I pretend that we just had a fun time, he won't cry. So I just like looked at him and was like, that was fun. That was fun.

And then he just like looked very confused and then went fun. And I went, yeah. I, um, I babysat the sterns who live next door to me. Howard Stern's kids. Yeah. Howard Stern's kids. And Bababoo would bring his kids over sometimes too. Um, but, uh, my, my thing and I, this is, cause I was like, had started to drink.

I remember I would like, it would be fun. I would watch SNL or whatever and 90s SNL late 90s SNL and, and just sit with the kids and eat pizza. So how, how old were you? You want to do? How old were you? How old were the kids? So I was like probably like six, the, like when I was like done, I was like 15 or 16,

which was like 1997. And the kids were like, one was like, you know, like five or six, like getting a little older and then one was kind of like three or whatever. One there was like one that was like, you know, kind of like a baby, but, uh, Jason, like it was six or maybe six or seven. He would, he would be like a, could be a pain in the ass. And, uh, one time, uh, I took him to the basement and put him at the top of the basement stairs and turned off the light and closed the door on him and said he couldn't get out until

he acted better. And then I started saying the monsters are coming for you. That's terrible. Did he ever tell his parents? I don't know. Oh, you know what? He's a great guy. I see him a lot.

You know, he's grown up now. Oh my God. I wonder if you gave him issues. I have a friend. I cannot remember who it is, but her boyfriend was babysat by this woman who said, uh, who said, if you don't eat all your food in five minutes, I'm taking it. So then he and his sister would like eat their food very fast. So they could eat their food.

Oh, and then his sister sometimes wouldn't eat fast enough. So he would eat her food. So then he just like started overeating. Oh my God. I don't know who it is. He became an overeater. An overeater because of his babysitter. And then finally, like at dinner or something, his mom was like, why are you eating so fast?

And he's like, we don't eat all the food. We don't get any food. And then they like have to talk to the babysitter. Was it Ralphie Mae? It was Ralphie Mae who now has an illustrious stand up career. I will say Ralphie Mae. I don't try to shit on fat people because I am one. Me too.

But I watched him do like five minutes stand up and was worried about him dying. Yeah. He's a big boy. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's like me with this podcast where people will make it through it. Oh, stop it. They can't see you.

You don't have a fat man voice. That's true. I got a little tiny guy voice, maybe. You don't have a tiny guy voice. No, I think you have like a medium man voice. Do you know what I'm talking about when I say a fat man voice? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I get it.

Okay. Yeah. No, the heavy breathing. Yeah. Down the street. Like Biggie Smalls had a fat man voice. Like you knew he was fucking huge. But Biggie Smalls was also cool.

Like he embraced being a fat guy so much better than I ever could. Yeah. Yeah, he sensed he was an ugly fat black man. And he was. And he got to bang some real classic babes. Yeah. And you know what? Look him.

Babe. Little Kim was a babe. Babe. Babe. He did really well. I'm proud of big guys like that. And I bet you. I bet you that over.

It's so crazy to me that overeating was ever an issue with me as a child. Like I'm just saying I didn't want to eat my food when I was younger. Oh, really? Yeah. I like didn't want to eat a lot of the time. Oh, I always wanted to eat. Yeah. To the point where like I would creep down in the middle of the night, my mother would

be like, get back at bed. And I'm like, but what if the mac and cheese disappears before tomorrow? I was always afraid that the food was going somewhere and I don't know why. And was one of those foods burgers, were they always important to you? Not growing up. Okay. But now they are. Now I sometimes get very drunk and leave burgers on the floor and then I'll wake up

in the morning and eat them. Wait a minute. And then be sick the rest of the day. A burger on the floor? Yeah. Why do you leave it on the floor? I don't know. I haven't done it here as much as I did it in New York, but like one DCM.

Oh, that's New York is even nastier, I feel like. I know. I went to Burger or no McDonald's on the way home from a DCM party and I got a double quarter pounder with cheese, no ketchup, no onions. And then I think I got two of them, eight one, gotten bed, had it on my bed and I was like, you can't be in bed with me. Put it on the floor. I'm like, I need you later.

And then woke up, still wasted. It was like, oh yeah, you're from me now. And then I ate it and then was so sick the rest of the day. Hey, I'm not against floor burgers. And you know what? I think if you're going to eat a burger that's set out overnight, McDonald's might be the better one to do. I've left Oaks burgers out all night several times.

That's not a good one to eat. I have eaten them and then just shat the rest of the day. Yeah, because you're dealing with both like, well, it's on the floor, so you've got some sort of contact back there, but also it's just food for illness and sitting at room temperature for so long. Have you got any weird things like this that you do where you eat some of the day after or any, I don't know if it will match floor burgers, but tweet us, hashtag floor burgers, see what you got.

I hope hashtag floor burgers trends. I think it will. I think it will be a worldwide trend. I fell asleep with burgers in my hand back in my young twenties and woke up and I wouldn't eat them, but I had fallen asleep with a burger. Really? You wouldn't eat them? If I woke up with a fucking burger in my hand, I'd be like, yes.

My issue is I would wake up feeling so sick from him being hungover if I fell asleep with a burger in my hand that I wouldn't want to eat it. And I would need something fresh and greasy, hot, fresh and greasy. I need it to be hot. I can't eat. I can't be eating cold stuff if I'm hungover. I love lukewarm stuff. Yeah.

Like mac and cheese after it's cooled down, right before it's too cold to eat. I love it. That's the sweet spot for me. I think I can meet you halfway on that because I feel like a lot of times when you get something that's piping hot, it's a little too hot for me. Just like when it's just on the edge of burning your mouth, I'm like, I'll let that cool down a little bit. Like coffee.

People love coffee when it's like scalded and no, no, no, no. I drink that lukewarm too. No, that's another. There's some great, there's some great convo. We got some great topics going because what would you prefer? And I would love to hear that too. What do you prefer? Something that you prefer?

I think coffee is one for me that I would prefer lukewarm to maybe piping hot. But there's not much else food-wise that I would want to do. I love a lukewarm lasagna. I'm trying to think of other things I like lukewarm. Hashtag some like it hot. You got these great hashtags going on. Seven people will tweet at us with all these hashtags, I'm sure. Well, they're the seven best.

I agree. Yeah. So burgers, bigger part in your later life. Yes. And what is important in the burger to you? Because I know we gotta move on to where we went. If it's like a fast food burger, I don't really need lettuce or tomato. I just want cheese and meat.

Interesting. Or cheese, meat, and an onion. Like if I go to In-N-Out, I get a double, double, adjust cheese. No, none of that fucking sauce. I hate that sauce with an onion and that's delicious. It was funny because with your, didn't you say with a quarter pound or no onion? Yes. Why?

Because it's weird chopped onions. Oh, gotcha. Wow, I love that. And then In-N-Out gives you a circular, just like a slice of an onion. And then there's onion everywhere as opposed to like no onion, some onion. I gotcha. No onion. Yeah.

And I just, I hate saying that out loud. And then if it's like an artisanal burger, I really love eggs on burgers. That's a new thing that I just discovered. Avocado, hated it growing up, love it now. And then sometimes lettuce and tomato, but I'll pull it off and eat it separately. Interesting. I kind of like, I like your views on that. Because if you leave the tomato on, it slides around.

Yeah. Under the lettuce, but then you can't put it above the lettuce because it'll still slide around. Yeah. You've got to really get your own customization going on there. Like you have a very specific taste in terms of burgers. Yes. I am, speaking of which, one of tonight's restaurant Wendy's, we've talked about this

before of just the mix and the match of condiments and toppings. I think Wendy's does it maybe better than anyone else. Yeah. And what I gave credit to in the Burger King episode, which would be very travesty of course, I think Wendy's does it even better for a fast food place. If you're getting like the classic burger or even the spicy chicken sandwich, they're just putting the right amount of lettuce, tomato, and mayo. They just nail that balance.

They don't put ketchup on it. On the burgers, they put ketchup on there. Some of them do. I feel like on the baconator, they don't. They do not. No. I think it's like a little swipe of mayonnaise, which is the perfect amount of mayonnaise for me.

Also the junior bacon cheeseburger, also it's like a little swipe of mayo. Yeah. Those are my two favorites from Wendy's. They're really good and I also have to give them credit for their toppings are fresh. Yeah. Yeah. Well, speaking of which, let's get into our orders from Wendy's and we'll start there. I got the Dave's Double, which used to be their classic double.

They've rebranded the Dave's Double. Described as a half pound of ground beef. It's got two slices of American cheese, so half pound of ground beef, split into two quarter pound patties, two slices of American cheese, mayo, ketchup, pickles, onions, tomato, and lettuce on that seems fresh bun. Not sure how fresh it actually is, but it definitely tastes fresh. Really tasty burger. I feel like Wendy's always delivers and I had an interesting conversation with our friend

Charles Ingram, where he told me, he's from the south, he's from Tennessee and he said his experience with Wendy's in Tennessee is that Wendy's is often kind of a dirtier, dingier restaurant. And so he was surprised by her five fork universal platinum plate club assessment because, and I wonder if it's just a regional issue with the southern version of Wendy's, but if you're out there and you've been to a southern Wendy's and it's subpar, tweet at us, hashtag southern subpar Wendy's. Jesus.

I'll go very on the nose with that one. But let us know because I'm just curious if that's like a regional thing that's true or if that's just in Charles's experience. But I would say in my experience with Wendy's, it's pretty consistent. The burgers are always of a pretty good quality level of approximately the same quality. Well, I consider it to be a great quality level, but they're always in that same range of quality. And this was no, this was no different.

This was very yummy. I feel like it just sort of delivered on every level in terms of what I expect from one of my favorite burgers from one of my favorite chains. What about you, Nicole? What was your recent Wendy's experience like? I yesterday had a junior bacon cheeseburger. I was going to get a baconator, but then I remember being very drunk in a hotel room on a tour, eating a baconator, just like a load in my bed, be like, I shouldn't eat

this. So I didn't get that. It's so much meat and it's so good. But I was like, don't do that to yourself. So I got a little junior bacon cheeseburger and it was, the bun is really good. I like the bun. It's not squishy, but it's just dense and very good. I think it's a potato roll, but it's very good.

The meat, I thought, was very high quality. The bacon, I thought, was just an excellent, it wasn't like... Some of the best bacon and fast food. I think so. I think it is the best bacon and fast food because it was just perfect. It wasn't too crunchy. It wasn't too gooey. Sometimes you get it gooey and soft and it's nasty.

The lettuce and tomato was a good ratio, but after a couple bites, pulled it out and then ate it separately. But I was happy. I love there. I like Wendy's buns a lot. I think there's a lot that Wendy's does right. They did change them up recently and I think with the junior bacon, I think it's still kind of a smaller bun.

It is a smaller bun. So I got the Dave's Hot and Juicy Classic Double. You and I are in the hand-holding club and I feel like the bun is different than it used to be. I could be wrong. Someone let me know. Also, hashtag gone with the Wendy's for Weigar's question. Oh, that's good.

That's a little punch up. That is good. But you did have some time to think on that. I actually thought of it immediately and then had to make sure that Gone with the Wind was the Civil War movie. Did you look it up on your phone? Not the sound of music, which is the German movie. Did you look it up?

Really? I quickly looked up. Very sneaky. I quickly looked up Gone with the Wind. I wish you'd gotten that wrong and taken a big swing with Wendy's of the Willows. Treat it as hashtag Wendy's of the Willows. All right. There's no denying it.

I love Wendy's. I love Wendy's. It's my favorite fast food restaurant. That Dave Hot and Juicy double classic cheeseburger is so good. I just think it's just a really, really well done burger. Such a flavorful patty for a fast food restaurant. The cheese is great. The toppings are just perfect.

Even though the bun has changed, I'm not liking it maybe as much. It's still pretty amazing. It's a great, great burger. It is. It's really good. This is maybe the best bang for your buck. I know it's a little bit more expensive than it was, but for a fast food place. As a value proposition, and you can get some pretty budget-friendly items from Wendy's.

I feel like the, I'm not sure what the price point of the junior bacon cheeseburger is, but I feel like they have some items on that value menu that are pretty cheap and pretty tasty. Can I get a dollar or something? Oh, that's not bad at all. I feel right. Yeah. I feel like maybe like, I think maybe even like a, I think it's on the dollar menu.

Maybe it's a dollar 29 or two bucks or something. It's super cheap. It's very cheap. It's very cheap. But I definitely get what you're saying, Mitch, a bang for your buck is undeniable. At the other end of the spectrum, in terms of bang for the buck, we have Shake Shack. Yeah. And Mitch, you and I discussed on the mini-sode, our Shake Shack trip, it was quite an odyssey.

We waited for over an hour. We told you in advance, Nicole, because this was a curveball that was thrown at us by a tournament commissioner in front of the podcast, Evan Susser, that we had to go to Shake Shack that we weren't going to force you to wait in this extremely long line. What? Full disclosure, I've had it so many times. You've had it a bunch. You're a Shake Shack aficionado.

I fly Delta a lot and there is two Shake Shacks in the Delta terminal at JFK. Oh, well, there you go. One in the beginning, one in the end. So I'll get it sometimes before getting on the plane. All right. I love Shake Shack. Yeah. Wendy's and Shake Shack have a similar bun, which I'm very much into.

Shake Shack's burgers, I believe are medium. I don't think they're well done. Yeah. No, I think they're cooked. They're not medium well. Medium well, which I appreciate and like a little bit better than Wendy's. Their cheese is really good. Also, pro tip, the cheese sauce that goes on the french fries, you can get a side of that

and dip your fucking burger in cheese sauce. Wow. That's a nice hack. That's a great hack. Delicious. I've definitely done that at Arby's with that Arby's cheese sauce, but that's good to know. I would have never had Arby's cheese sauce.

Yeah. Arby's cheese sauce is pretty good as cheese sauces go. I'll get a side of that just for dipping for my curly fries, but yeah, you can get a little extra of what you'd have on the beef and cheddar and get a little extra cheese on your beef and cheddar. But yeah, that's a good tip in terms of dipping your Shake Shack burger. It's delicious, which may tip my favorite to Shake Shack because I love that cheese sauce.

But like, maybe I also like the patty better too. I think the patty is like a little bit more flavorful and then the edges are a little burnt, which I like. Like In-N-Out kind of has burnt patties as well, and I like that. Well hold your assessment for now because we have a really stupid system that we use to evaluate this. That's right. Should I describe the system or not?

Yeah, go for it. It's presentation slash creativity is the first one. And we're basing this out of 10 basketballs. So one being the worst, 10 being the best you can do. You can do zero. You can do zero. Zero being the worst. Okay.

10 being the best. And you can do halves or whatever you can give quarter portions if you like. Then so yeah, I'm sorry, creativity presentation. The next one is bun slash condiments. Which also encompasses veggies. The third one is burger slash tastes or whatever. So that's kind of the biggest category. And then finally there's a new dumb Weiger category that's added in the mini-zone.

But this one got nixed. It's nixed. It got nixed. It was value slash, but we can, why not? Corporate value slash dollar value. Corporate value. Okay. What anyone is looking, all these places would do terribly, but corporate value slash dollar

value. Yeah. Okay. So those are the categories. You can rank them, a lot of 10 basketballs, but also let me hear from you what would be your favorite like shake shack order. Yeah. What's your go to?

I get, if I'm like feeling self conscious, I'll get a single patty. Sometimes I'll get a double patty. And then if I want tomatoes and lettuce to eat, I'll get it on it and pull it off later. Gotcha. So I just forego that, get some cheese, get french fries, cheese sauce, extra cheese sauce and a black and white malted milkshake and go to town. Did you say fries or no fries? Yes, fries.

You're just getting their conventional shack burger, the one. Yes. I don't like shack sauce. I don't like sauces on my burgers. Oh, wow. Okay. But the shack burger, I think it comes with kind of an in and out type sauce on it. Yeah, I get it without it.

Oh, you get it without it. Okay. In my order, I'll be like single patty, no lettuce, tomato, cheese, please. And then fries, cheese fries, but my cheese on the side. I like dipping fries. Okay. Yeah, I got you. I like that.

I feel like Liger had the cheese fries and I feel like it would have been better with the cheese on the side so you could just dip it if you wanted to. Yeah, I feel like you can portion it out better when you can control the dipping versus having a quarter over the top. The cheese gets cold too when it's done. Yeah. As it does, you're right. And then when you get on the side, you can stir it around.

And then you're getting, you know, a good temp all around. Here's another thing. I'm with you on another, because here's another issue. Oh boy. Is that you're getting cheese all over your fingers because it's sometimes over the middle part of the fry, or the entire fry is covered versus if you're, if you're making cheese fries out there, it's one thing if it's actual cheese and it's like melted, then fine melted on top.

But if you've got a cheese sauce, take our guest's advice, give it to us on the side so that we can monitor our own dipping. To be fair, you... I think they're just common sense. Yeah. You came to Shack Shack with cheese already on your lips. Oh man. I would truly love someone with just cheesy fingers being like, okay, here's what I want.

Oh, that'd be so funny. That was wager. Putting in my order too. Yeah, you piece of shit. So let's get to our evaluations. So you can take them, I would say... The final category is which burger would you send to the alien? Yes, yes, actually.

Thank you, Mitch. So that will be... So that's the one that wins. Okay. We'll save that for last. But we'll save together. Wait, did you guys say what you thought about Shack Shack? Oh, we will in a second because we did a mini-soad where we talked about it.

We talked about our burgers in the mini-soad, but to clue you in, I got the roadside double, which is unique to the West Hollywood location. It's a double Swiss cheeseburger with the Jean Mustard and onion, simmered in bacon and beer. Very yummy. And are you... It seemed like you were shaking your head a little bit. I do not like mustard. I got you, yeah.

Mustard ruins everything as does pickles. That's a strong opinion. You don't like pickles? No, pickles ruin everything. If your bun touches a pickle, the whole thing is tainted and tastes like a fucking pickle. Also, it's just old food that someone put in vinegar and then you're pulling it out after a long time. And it doesn't even get you drunk.

At least old grapes get you drunk. I hate pickles. This might be the most anyone has ever hated pickles. These are the strongest anti-pickles they have. That is very strong anti-pickle. I like it. I hate pickles, mustard and soup. Well, if you hate mustard, don't get the roadside double.

Yeah, soup? In the entirety of soup? Yeah, soups for lazy people who don't like chewing their food, just swallow hot liquids and say it's food, like clam chowders all white and nasty. Soup is a gross word. I'll give you that much. Yeah, soup. Can I have some soup?

I feel like hating all of soup though is like hating all of music. It's like such a big, there's so many different kinds of soup. Chicken noodle soup. You got this weird broth with like chunks of chicken and like noodles and then the ratio to soup broth to noodles is always off. Yeah, I agree. Chicken noodle soup is always a disappointment. Just ketchup.

What else is there? I finally moved on. I do like tomato soup now, but there's a few. You can get a good chicken soup. I could get you a good chicken soup, chicken soup for the soul. That's a good book. It's a good book. It's a good book.

I could get you some good. French onion soup is just like salty broth with a big floatum, like what's the thing? It's like a crouton that's like a floating piece of bread and then you cover it with cheese. Hold on a second. You're just describing all these soups in a grossed out voice. Like if I was like pizza, ugh, it's got that bread and the red sauce and the cheese clumped on top of it.

That sounds delicious. That's true. It's hard to paint a nice depiction of pizza. French onion soup, I love a good French onion soup. I will say that soup is salty broth that people are just drinking joyously is weird and gross to me. Well, I do think here's the thing with soup. What is the best soup you can get?

There is a better version of chicken and real soup that you could try that you would really like. Okay, think of it this way. Restaurants all have soups of the day. Why do they have soups of the day? Because no one really likes soups and they got to change it up to see if people like this soup. All right.

Split pea soup. Get out of here. I like a split pea with ham. I'm on board with a split pea. Oh, Jesus. Throw a little ham in there. Now I'm on your side. Fuck soup.

Let me say out there, I respect this opinion. You're certainly someone with a lot of very particular culinary taste, Nicole. But if you out there, I have a hard time thinking that there is not a single soup that you would enjoy. So if you out there think that there's a soup that could finally get Nicole on Team Soup, hashtag woo a soup skeptic. Let us know your pick for just a home run of a soup that wouldn't disappoint anyone. That can get Nicole on Team Soup.

I've been told matzabal soup is good. Oh, matzabal soup is good. But that's just kind of like chicken soup though. Yeah, if you don't like chicken soup, you might not like matzabal. I like matzah. Yeah. It's like a big giant ball of bread in your chicken soup. I love matzah bread.

Yeah. Oh, well then you might, matzabal soup might be the one that did to do it. But also I don't know why they call it matzah bread. It's matzah cracker. It's a cracker. Yeah, I don't know. Right? It's a big cracker.

I don't know that area at all. You're asking the two most gentile men in California. We have some friends we could ask. Also I'd rather be a soupless bitch than a soup filled bitch just to let you know, Iger. That's very funny, a soupless bitch. I insulted Mitch in an earlier interaction calling him a soupless bitch. So what would you rather be, soupless bitch or a soup filled bitch, let us know. We'll take a, we'll see what the number is add up to.

And Mitch, real quick, what was your Shake Shack burger just to recap? My Shake Shack burger was the Smoke Shack burger, double, which I think you would actually like. There's not... But there's the, the Shack sauce is on there, right? There's a little bit of the Shack sauce, yeah, so the, there's, yeah, there's... What kind of sauce is it? I haven't even tasted it because I don't like sauce.

It's kind of like In-N-Out-E, but I couldn't taste it that much. So it's like that was an island dressing. But you know what, I couldn't taste it that much on the, on the, on, I can see, I was gonna, I was gonna pull it up, but gone, gone with the wind. I can't even do animal style fries in and out. People seem to love it, but they like sauté the onions and like mustard. Yeah. And, and there's a lot of that sauce.

So the, the Smoke Shack is a single or double, I got the double, cheeseburger topped with all natural apple and smoked bacon, chopped, chopped cherry peppers, wait, chopped, yeah, chopped cherry peppers in Shack sauce. Yeah, no. No pepper, no to the peppers. The peppers you can barely taste though, they were like really light. It was just like a... Maybe I would like it because I will say this, the Oaks burger has like pineapple something

on it and then other bullshit. And I was like, I'm gonna hate this. And then someone was like, Nicole, just open your heart and try it. So I did. And then I was like, I love everything in this. It's so good. So maybe I should just try. Maybe you should just try.

Try a soup. I'll try matzo ball soup. You should try matzo ball soup. We'll all watch Star Wars and eat matzo ball soup. That sounds like fun. I like it. So I did, I did the regular fries and I tried some of Nick's cheese fries and I ordered the shake of the week, which was a Mass Brothers mint chocolate shake.

Maddie, I think somehow got that. I got the chocolate malt that was definitely Maddie's and I enjoyed it. I enjoyed, I'm not supposed to side stay on the sidelines, fries are on the side, and drinks are in the stink. I don't know, we made up a bunch of stupid shit. Drinks are in the stink. It's all dumb. So I just...

I think we settled at one point, drinks are in the Gatorade bottle or the Gatorade jug, which is also on the sidelines. Yes. That sports metaphor held up a little better. Yeah. Yeah, I agree with that. And then at Wendy's, like I said, I got the Double Dave's Hot and Juicy. Did you get a Frosty?

I did not. I got a Fanta Zero Orange, regular size. I love a Frosty and I love put my french fries in it. I love that too. Oh yes. Totally on board. I don't like that. Don't mix the hot with the cold.

Oh really? Oh no, I'll do that. I really like it. I like salty and sweet. Yeah. What is this, a Pokemon battle? What the fuck? What is this?

A Pokemon battle? Yeah, gotta catch them all. Let's get Maddie back in here with the ref shirt and the red car. Get you the fuck out of here. It makes sense, hot versus cold. Yeah, you're comparing them to grass type Pokemon and water type Pokemon. Wait, there's only two types of Pokemon? Oh, there's many.

No, I'm not. I'm comparing it to water and I guess I would say water and fire Pokemon. Okay. A Squirtle versus what's the Charmander? What's the Pikachu? Pikachu is electric based. Oh, let's see how many Pokemon I can name. Pikachu.

One. The two we just said. Charmander. Two. Squirtle. Three. Jigglypuff. Four.

That's a good one. That's pretty good. Squirtle is the dirtiest sounding one. I like Jigglypuff. That's that pink one. Yeah. It's a little puff ball. He kind of looks like Kirby.

A little bit like Kirby. Yeah, kind of. Who is Kirby and why do I know him? Kirby is from a different Nintendo franchise. He's like a ghost. What is he? He's like a pink ghost that he eats things and absorbs their powers. Hey, I want to be a Kirby.

You're not the first person to say that. All right, let's get to our evaluations. Okay. So, Nicole, I'll give it to you category by category. Yes. And then you can give your assessment and your score of each chain and then save your overall pick for the end. We're going to count it down together.

We'll all say it together. Okay. So, first up is creativity slash presentation. I think I would have to say 10 basketballs to Shake Shack because I like when burgers are half-wrapped. Yeah. Yeah. I like that and then it comes in like a satchel.

It's not wrapped. It's like they stick it in a little bag and I like that. Shooting straight to 10 basketballs for the satchel presentation. For the satchel. All right. I just really like it because if I wanted to, I could staple something on the side and then carry it like a purse and that's something I have thought while pulling it out. And then Wendy's, I think I would give it maybe just like six or five because it's just

wrapped like another basic hamburger and it's the whole thing is wrapped. So then I have to figure out the wrapping to get it till it's half-wrapped and easier for me to eat. All right. Fair enough. Next up, present or I'm sorry, condiments slash bun. I think I would give eight basketballs to Shake Shack because I like that bun and I know eight and a half basketballs, the 0.5 comes from the cheese.

Gotcha. I like that cheese sauce and then Wendy's really like that bun and I think I'll give it an eight and not a 0.5 because I don't have that cheese sauce. Yeah. And then finally, burger slash taste. Burger slash taste. I think I would give Shake Shack. Shake Shack is in the lead with taste for me.

I think I would give it 8.5 because I really like it. I think it's a good taste. I think it seasoned well. I like that the thing that knocked it out of the park the most for you was the satchel. I guess that is stupid. Wendy's taste, I think I would give 7.5 because it wasn't as good but it was still very good. Yeah. It's still yummy.

And I like their bacon. They do have great bacon. That's a very solid score all around. All right, Mitch, go ahead in terms of your rankings. Man, you know, I'm a little nervous. Wendy's is my favorite. You know what? This tournament's really gotten out of hand.

So I want you guys to vote with your hearts, whatever you guys think is right. Yeah. But I just think, you know, sending these square burgers up to the aliens, I just think, what alien is it today? We didn't decide on an alien yet. Do you have an alien in mind? Yeah, do you have an alien? Yeah, those two aliens from Men in Black who love coffee.

Oh, that's a good one. Okay. Those two guys. We're going to send it to them, make sure everything is running perfectly at the Men in Black offices. Why not send them a burger that's out of this world that has square patties? Send them a burger that's out of this world! Oh, my God. Oh, man.

That is the best thing you've ever said. Fuck you, Weiger. A burger that's unlike any other burger, square patties. The taste, the price. Wendy's, it's clear with me what my pick is going to be, but I will save it for the reveal. So presentation slash creativity. That's right. I feel like both restaurants do a good job, but I am going to say, I think Wendy's has

a great selection of basic burgers and then they always have a rotating burger that comes in that's really tasty. Like they have like a cheddar mushroom melt burger and a few other burgers that they do a great job with. I'm going to give them the edge, nine basketballs to eight basketballs. So Shake Shack gets eight basketballs. Also, I will say, I don't like the satchel. I don't want it wrapped around my burger.

I want to put my hands around that fucking burger. You can pull it out of the satchel. Yeah, but I don't want a satchel getting into my fucking meat. The satchel doesn't get into the meat. I love that satchel. I hate the satchel and I like that Wendy's, I'm sorry Burger King, I like that Wendy's burgers. You can unwrap the foil of a Wendy's burger and it will look, I think it looks the best

of any fucking fast food burger. I agree with you. That's true. And it doesn't need a satchel and it looks fucking good. So that's why I got to my decision. Not to say that Shake Shack doesn't look good. They have a nice presentation. I like those metal trays.

I can't believe you don't like that satchel. Don't love the satchel though. It gets too much into the cheese and the meat. You think? I think so. I really do. And I think that it weighs some of that cheese and meat. Next, condiment slash bun.

This is a tight, tight one. Wendy's does such a great job with the mix of those condiments. It's really, really great stuff. Like I said, on the hot and juicy, the combination of the pickles. I know that you don't like pickles. Tomato, onion, mayo, ketchup, mustard. It's just such a... Wait, is there mustard?

Whatever. Who knows? On the Dave's double? Yeah. There is not mustard. Sorry. I knew that there wasn't because you can just tell it's the mayo and ketchup. I feel like the only burgers that comes mustard standard are McDonald's burgers.

And it irks me when they give me mustard. That's what it looks like somewhere. Well, I love the combination of all the toppings in the burger. They do a great job. They do a great job through and through. I like their buns. I don't like the new buns as much. I love the Shake Shack bun a lot.

I feel like they do a great job with the cheese. But Wendy's also does a great job with the cheese. They do a great job of melting it in there. This is really tough. Yeah. This is really tough right here. But I'd say that they're knotted at eight apiece. They both do such a great job.

Eight basketballs per piece. Actually, you know what? Nine basketballs per piece. Yeah, why not? This is the top of the game right here. Nine basketballs per piece. They do a great job. Finally, burger slash taste.

Well, this one is... They are both so good. Wendy's is my favorite. I think you made a point about the quality of that Shake Shack burger. It's very well done, well seasoned. Wendy's is also very well seasoned. You're not going to get maybe as juicy of a patty. And that's because Shake Shack is more of like Nick said,

almost like a sit-down restaurant. Yeah. I'm going to give Shake Shack ten basketballs. I'm going to give Wendy's nine and a half basketballs in taste slash burger slash whatever. Overall, in your last useless category, I'm going to give... We nixed that category.

Are you going to say it anyway? I'm going to still rank it anyways. Price point, Wendy's is beaten Shake Shack no matter what. Yeah. But you know, the founder, we heard some stuff about Dave Thomas, but we didn't hear anything conclusive really. It's hard to tell if it's substantiated as to whether... Basically, what this is is that there was an issue with the Wendy's

pulling their ad campaign off of the Ellen DeGeneres show, her old sitcom, when she came out in the 90s. Yeah. At the time, people were... It's just unclear whether or not Dave Thomas was behind that or if that was some different corporate... Like a CFO or somebody? Exactly.

That's some different sort of corporate calculation. He was just sort of like, oh, whatever. Like, look, a guy who was in his 70s in the 1990s is probably not going to be the most forward-thinking on gay rights. Yeah. That's just the... And he's dead now, right? At least he's dead now.

And Ellen's still alive. But we also don't know. It's hearsay there's assumption. We don't really know if that's truly the case about Dave Thomas, but certainly Wendy's is a corporation. We got input from a few people, different people, and people actually were saying different things. Yeah.

And so, for the most part, Dave Thomas seemed like a great guy. And I don't know the owners of Shake Shack. Danny Meyer. Danny Meyer, okay. Oh, well, I didn't listen. I will say, since I don't really know the price point on Wendy's, though, beats Shake Shack. But then maybe Shake Shack has a shake

if Dave Thomas was guilty of these things. I don't know, but I'm going to give him eight basketballs per piece. So it's a pretty even score right now for those two. What about you, Nicole? You got a rating on corporate values slash dollar value? Corporate value, that means like the... The ethics of the corporation. Oh, yeah.

See, I've also heard some not great things about Dave Thomas. So I think I'll give their... I think, okay, so maybe Wendy's seven basketballs, and then Shake Shack eight, nine. I've heard nothing bad about Danny Meyer. Yeah. And everyone who works at Shake Shack seems happy. All right, fair enough.

Well, that's good. And I've seen some grumpy Wendy's ladies in the drive-thru. That's definitely true. Not one of yourself. She's always got a smile. All right, I'll speed through mine. Also, I truly hate Wendy's new logo. Yeah, they did a little bit of tinkering.

Are you talking about the font of it? It's almost like Comic Sans. Yeah. And I don't like it. I like the old school blocks that they used to have, like varsity letters. That classic lettering. I feel like they're going to go back to that in no time flat.

I truly hope so. It's just so iconic. All right, I'll speed through mine. Creativity slash presentation. Mitch is very persuasive there. And I think you make a good case that the burger, once you unwrap it, like a Christmas present, it is always, or generally in a pretty good shape there

at the Wendy's. And I think they also do innovate a little bit more. Whereas Shake Shack, I feel like they're doing like a very highbrow version of a conventional burger. And they're actually doing it very well. So I'll give the edge to Wendy's on creativity slash presentation. Eight and a half basketballs to seven and a half basketballs. Condiments slash bun.

Really good condiments and bun at Shake Shack. Can't deny it. They do a really good job at Wendy's too though. I feel like it's just such a notch above all the other fast food restaurants in kind of that, you know, aggressively priced sector. Not it up eight and eight and a half basketballs. Burger slash taste.

I mean, this is 10 basketballs for Shake Shack. It's just so good. It's just so darn good. I just, I really enjoy it. Wendy's, I love Wendy's and it's really good and it always delivers and it's pretty consistent. Nine basketballs. Wow, wow.

Corporate value slash dollar value. I'm giving the edge to Wendy's. I'm going to assume they've improved their corporate message or their corporate image off of anything that was maybe LGBT unfriendly in the nineties. I assume that stain has hopefully faded and they're doing some good works now. I will say that they do have just like the stuff is very affordable

and that that's just something that whereas Shake Shack, it's just in a whole nother level. It's undeniably more money. It's undeniably a lot more money. And also I'll just say this, I feel like maybe Shake Shack is, I don't really know anything about them, but about their corporation, but you could maybe see they're part of that gentrification

of Manhattan that's maybe gotten a little bit out of bounds and maybe they're benefiting, they're a trailing indicator of kind of the economic disparity that is now taking place there. Those are some good words. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm just going to say, I think, I'm going to give the edge to Wendy's there.

I'm going to say eight basketballs to seven basketballs. Okay. So now it's time. Picture those little aliens from Men in Black, those coffee drinking little guys. What burger are we giving them? I'm going to count us down from three. And this is the biggest moment of the March Madness,

the Munch Madness tournament for me. This is the one that I want or the one that I think won? The one that, no, the one that you are voting for as a winner. This is humanity's ideal. Okay, great. All right. Three, two, one. Shinshack.

Oh, motherfucker, Weiger. I just really want to give them that burger with the side of that cheese. Just send it up to them. Wow, Weiger, that's sick. Look, this is tough for me. I'm livid. I'm not...

Fuck off. I'm livid, buddy. I'm not intentionally trolling like you have been throughout this tournament. I'm giving my honest opinion. I love Wendy's. I'm sad to see it go. This was a tough matchup.

Don't get mad at anyone. Get mad at friend of the podcast, Tournament Commissioner Evan Sester, for throwing this curveball at us, for making us evaluate Shake Shack. This is fucking bullshit. The Cinderella story is over. When Wendy's could have been walking its way.

There's no Cinderella story. Wendy's was a two seed. Yeah, but to beat Shake Shack or In-N-Out Burger, which is now back in the fucking tournament. Wait, In-N-Out is back in? Yeah. In-N-Out's back in. Wait, why?

You didn't like it? You like Carl's Jr. more than In-N-Out, right? Listen, we won't talk about past podcasts. Why don't you fill Nicole in on the extensive back story of the Tournament of Champions? I really just don't understand that. Yeah. The big Carl's really great.

I'm going to set up our next segment. I'll be back in one second and get to retrieve something. Wow. I can't believe this happened. Nicole. What? This is kind of like me bringing in John Gemberling last week, because I knew that John wasn't a huge In-N-Out guy.

But this week, Weiger brings you in knowing you love Shake Shack. I do. And I did tell him that I love Shake Shack and eat it regularly. I think that... I love Shake Shack. Weiger brought in a ringer of his own. It sounds like this week. But I also truly like...

I like Wendy's. I know. I know you do. And I think that this is very close. Wendy's is really good. I'm very sad. I will say, like, bun is a very important thing for me. McDonald's has a shitty bun.

When Weiger comes in, will you just tell him that you changed your vote to Wendy's? Okay. He can hear what I said anyways. God damn it. Oh, no. Okay. And he's getting...

So he's getting a... I also got to ask you, what's he like as a boss? Good. How often does he, like, you know... Yell at us all the time. Yell at you. He's always yelling at us. What's the word I'm looking for?

Sexual assault? He slaps my butt all the time. No, he's great. He's... All the writers on party over here were really, really wonderful. And, like, let us do a lot. Like, just experimenting. Congrats on the show.

Oh, it's great. I just watched a second episode. It was very funny. Thank you. And you guys are working against, like we've said, a terrible head writer. Wait, I get to eat cereal? I'm sorry.

I've never listened to your podcast. That's all right. No. No, you're smart. No, I just don't listen to podcasts, because I feel like they're a conversation that I'm not a part of. Yeah. And no matter how loud I scream, nobody will ever acknowledge me.

Oh, well, we love you over here. And also, Weigar's got some weird milk. You came up with some weird milk. Can you hold this, Mitch? Let me get my headphones on here. All right. It's a... I've got a little something for us.

It's time for a new segment. This is one we haven't done before. Here we go. Go ahead and set this up. I'm excited about it. From Feral Audio Studios in Burbank. This is cereal. A segment told one bowl at a time.

Oh, my God. All right. Oh, my God. That's very funny to me. We have a... I can't wait until you're a future subject of Superman. All right. So we've got Batman V Superman, Dawn of Justice, is coming out this week.

She's a verse Superman. It's V. V is in the title. She's a verse Superman. Dawn of Justice. And we've got this... We've got these cereals that actually my lovely wife Natalie procured for us. Thank you, Natalie.

Thank you, Natalie. Batman cereal. Anything to get out of the house. We've got Batman cereal, which is chocolate strawberry cereal flavored with other natural flavors. Okay. And we've also got Superman cereal, which is caramel crunch. So I don't know why they...

Children shouldn't be eating caramel for breakfast. Yeah. I don't know how they settled on caramel and caramel representing Superman and chocolate strawberry representing the Dark Knight Batman, but here we are. So I'm going to pass this around to these... You guys, this is going to be a little awkward because we're trying to eat cereal out of little cups in a studio. And I also will say this is...

We got ourselves some Dairy Pure reduced fat milk. That is courtesy of Dustin. Thank you, Dustin. He took that out of the Feral Audio fridge. Very nice of him. Thank you to everyone at Feral Audio for that. I guess what we're deciding is that who is winning on the battlefield of breakfast? Is it Batman or Superman?

So I'm going to start and I'm going to pour myself a little bit of this Superman cereal. And yeah, feel free to have a little bit of this dry, have a little bit of this with some milk, however you guys want to taste it. Hey, you can grab that. All right. So I've got the... I just tried the no... Yeah, no high fructose corn syrup, no artificial flavors, no colors from artificial sources.

You want this, Nicole? No. I know which one I like better. You don't do milk? No. I'm lactose intolerant. Oh, okay. So I have to pick and choose when I'm going to be ill.

What is your cereal? Do you have cereal at all? Cinnamon Toast Crunch is my go-to cereal. All right. That's a great choice. I really, really love it. And then I like Frosted Flakes, but then the sugar wears off too fast. Do you have it with a little bit of soy milk or almond milk or what do you do?

I will do it now with almond milk. You'll do it with almond milk. All right. You're going to get me slurping too. Yeah. I got a little bit of Superman cereal. I put a little bit of milk here. I tasted a little bit of it dry.

Did you have any of this, Mitch? I haven't tried the Superman one yet. And then pass me that Batman when you get a chance. I'm taking some Milk Doused Superman cereal. Okay. I just tried the Superman Caramel Crunch cereal. I like the Superman one. Okay.

That Batman one is funky. Yeah. This is actually caramel is pretty good. Yeah, I like it a lot. Kind of got a little, kind of a Golden Grahams quality to it. Yes. And I like Golden Grahams. Me too.

All right. I like cereal that's so sure it cuts the roof of your mouth. It looks like these are kind of shaped like Superman's famed insignia. The S insignia. Who's insignia? He's got like, no, the thing he's got on his uniform. Oh, that's called an insignia? Insignia, yeah.

Huh. You're a smart person. And then these other ones are shaped like bats. Thank you. Yeah, these ones are, and the Batman ones are shaped like bats, which is very unknowing. Do you guys think that movie is going to be good? Batman v Superman, Dawn of Justice? Yeah, I'm just worried that Superman's going to talk too much, and I think he's a dummy.

Yeah. Like in the first Superman movie, he barely spoke. And I was like, was that a choice? Or is it because he doesn't say lines well? That's the worst thing. I think it's because he doesn't say lines. I think he's just like a pretty face. He can't act.

He's a very pretty face though. That's terrible. I shouldn't say that out loud on a podcast. No, it's okay. Because he's a person with feelings. Michael also just emitted his crush on him too. All right. Actually, you know what?

I don't care. I'm going to say that he's a shitty actor. Because guess what? He gets paid a bunch of money. It doesn't give a fuck about me. Going hard against Henry Cavill. That's his name? I don't know if Henry Cavill's gotten the chance that...

I don't know if he's gotten a good chance. It's tricky. All right. I'm trying some of this Batman cereal with a little bit of milk. It's hard to get just the Batman cereal. Here we go. There's a good spoonful. Spoon man.

I'm now throwing my cup with the Superman. It's funky. Why the strawberry? Exactly. It makes no sense. It's like tangy for no reason. And what does that have to do with Batman? You know his heart was broken when his parents died.

The red. Oh, I got you. That's a real stretch. It is. I just made it up. No, I know. I think that's probably exactly why. That's probably their logic.

All right. Well, I'm about to take a bite of this one. That Batman one is funky, I think. I still have an aftertaste in my mouth from it. Chocolate and strawberry go well together. But this is not a good chocolate strawberry. No, chocolate covered strawberries, ooey, that is sexy, that is tasty. Yeah.

Sometimes I'll put a little bit of chocolate sauce in a strawberry smoothie. That's pretty good. I know spoiler for Batman vs Superman. What is it? I can't say it, can I? Can they edit it out? Don't spoil Batman v Superman, a movie that as of this podcast release has not come out yet. Please.

For our listeners. Can't you just edit it out? Here, whisper it. We can tell it afterwards. Dustin probably doesn't want to hear either, right? He probably doesn't. We'll tell you afterwards. I think I know the spoiler you're talking about.

Wait, he doesn't care what you care? He doesn't care. I love spoilers. Oh man, I'm really tempted to say the spoiler before the movie comes out. Well, if you say it. When I watched 10 Cleverfield Lane, I literally looked at the Wikipedia page to see how it ended. Yeah. And then I could watch it in peace.

I think I know what it is because we talked to the same person who saw it in advance. I think I know what spoiler you're going to say. Tummy, tummy, tummy, tummy, tummy. It's insane. Tummy. Okay, Dustin's going to beat it. Go ahead, Mitch. All right, he's going to beat it.

Good. In the movie. Cool. Really? Yeah. Yeah, for real. Might have to bleep that part. It will be very funny if this is a bunch of bleeps.

Dustin, I'm sorry that we just made work. He gives a thumbs up. You're so nice. Yeah, that's insane. That's an insane decision. Well, we'll let the box office judge. But as far as this is concerned. You're so nice.

You're so nice. You're so nice. You're so nice. You're so nice. You're so nice. You're so nice. You're so nice. You're so nice.

Yeah, that's insane. That's an insane decision. Well, we'll let the box office judge. But as far as this is concerned. As far as Batman v Superman on the battlefield of breakfast. Nicole, I think we know where you and I fall. But for the record. Superman, Superman fucking wins.

Agree 100%. A thousand basketballs. This is yes. Superman is like that. I would eat. I would just eat a bowl of the Superman cereal. Same. The Batman cereal.

I'm like, what the fuck is this? No. What is this? Strawberry. He's the dark knight. Yeah. Just make a chocolate. Yes.

Superman one is like delicious. I think it's a snack or whack. I give it a snack. Me too. I like the Superman one. It's not my favorite cereal. I'm going for more. Yeah.

But um, but yeah. No, uh, uh, in this, in the, in Batman versus cereal. Oh, sorry. Batman versus Superman in the cereal edition. Superman definitely wins. Yeah. But in real life. Batman.

But who? Because I just prefer Batman to Superman. I've always thought Superman's like a little corny. I didn't love him. But I did watch maybe every episode of Lois and Clark. Oh, the Dean Cain Terry Hatcher series. Yes. My family loved it.

We watched it every week. That's interesting. That show was fun. It can't be fun. It was very campy. It was kind of our generation's, uh, 60s Batman. Adam West Batman. Sure.

That same friend of mine. Having some fun with the franchise. Why not? Well, we got this tournament back on track. But then we spoiled a huge movie that's coming out. So, um, yeah, I feel like, uh, we'll be more hated by the time this comes out. It's all going to be beeped. So in this bracket, what is against what now?

So the finals are going to be, the finals are set as of now. And things keep changing. But as of now, Shake Shack will be taking on In-N-Out Burger. East versus West. New York versus LA. Way. Quite a showdown. I gotta say, if you're, here's my thing.

If you think that Carl's Jr. should team up with In-N-Out Burger to take on Shake Shack, just tweet out, you know what? We'll put a poll up to see if you want that. Okay. We'll put a poll up if you want to team up or go solo. And much the way that, that it seems as if from watching the trailer, and this is not a spoiler because it's in the trailer, Batman and Superman ultimately team up to fight Doomsday should In-N-Out Burger and Carl's Jr. Hardee's team up to fight Shake Shack.

I think this is an insane idea. I don't think it even makes sense. But I'll indulge you. Yeah, we'll have that as maybe an option. We'll put up a couple polls and see what people want. We'll see what the finals are going to, look, it's fucking whatever. In the end, Burger King is going to win or some shit. This is just, none of this makes any sense.

Stop trying to track it. Stop trying to analyze it. It's chaos. Are you talking to me or people? No, I'm just talking. Just talking. Just, I'm losing my mind. I wonder if Wonder Woman's going to be in a lot of the movie because she's only in

like a little bit of the trailer. I think she's in a, my guess is she's in a little bit, but then she's got a breakout like they're setting up a breakout role. They're doing a Wonder Woman movie, right? Yeah, they're going to do a Wonder Woman movie and then also like the Justice League movie. P.S. during what? I was going to say Bane broke the bat and this tournament has seemed to have broken your mind. And that was a fucking nerdy reference by me.

It's very, very nerdy. And what were you going to say, Nicole? Do I remember? Derailed it? Oh well. Let us know what comes to you. Just like a restaurant, we value your feedback. Let's open up the feedback.

Today's email comes to us from Liz McDonough. Liz writes, Hey guys, there are certain words that will completely turn me off if they're used to describe a menu item. Examples include smothered, swimming in, and doused. Are there any terms or food descriptions that turn you off from further investigating a menu item? What do you think, Nicole?

I've never seen something described as swimming in. Yeah, I have definitely seen smothered. I've seen smothered. I don't think I've seen doused either, but let's see. I guess like I won't eat things that are like crusted. Like fish crusted with like encrusted with something. Panko crust or something. Yeah, I don't like crusted things.

And if it's crusted, just don't tell me. Just give it to me. You're right. If you start to think about that, that is like a very unpleasant word. Crusted? Yeah, crusted. It sounds like a scab or something. Yeah.

Sorry. If there's like a Cuban sandwich, I haven't tried because there's mustard on it. And I know I could probably ask for it without mustard, but I'm like, am I ruining the Cuban sandwich experience? Yeah. I'd say creamed. Oh, yeah. You've got to get some creamed spinach.

But I do like creamed spinach. That's the thing. I do. I like it too. The wording of that is kind of gross, but. I used to like creamed corn too. Ooh, that sounds gross to me. What is in creamed corn?

It's basically creamed spinach, but just talk about the spinach or the corn. I don't like corn. Corn's stupid. Yeah, creamed spinach is definitely better. But I did. There was a time in my life when I liked creamed corn. I like corn. Yeah.

I don't know. You say tons of words to get me mad. Brew dog and shit like that. You know what the one that does bother me is that at one point. You say tons of shit that makes me mad. It's very funny to me. The one word that I don't, I'm not sure if it turns me off from ordering it, but one that's bothered me is at some point in food copy, they switched from saying melted cheese

to melting or melty cheese. Oh, I don't like melty cheese. That's a very chain restaurant. Yeah. I don't like melty cheese. I don't like melting cheese. Just say melted cheese. They must have focus grouped it.

And some focus groups said they preferred melting to melted or melty to melted. And they just ran with it. And now it's in every food ad and every menu. But we get from melted. And in fact, even if it's on something hot and it's cheese, we expect it to be melted. It's an unnecessary adjective. So just get that out of there. I agree with that.

If you get a burger with cheese on it, you expect it to be melted onto the burger. You don't have to say melted cheese. And if it's not, you're like, what is going on here? I would be so upset getting a cheeseburger with cold cheese on it. Yeah. Yeah. That's awful. It's a travesty.

What is this? I'm like thinking about it and it's making me angry. I remember when Harris Whittles asked for, what is that? DuPars. We asked for DuPars and he asked for a side of cheese. And they gave him a slice of American cheese that was melted to the plate. That's very funny. It was very funny.

What's DuPars? DuPars? DuPars is kind of like a diner, LA diner restaurant. I've never been. It's kind of shitty. Yeah. Is it better than Cafe 101 or fucking Fred Nastia 62? I would rather go there than Fred Nastia 62.

Some people would rather go to DuPars but it's almost like going to like, what? What's like a... Kind of like a norm. A little class here. A norm or something. Yeah. It's like a classic. It's like an institution.

But they can have some shitty stuff. Yeah. It's not great. Yeah. You're out of luck. Sorry. Okay. There are no good diners in LA.

Jersey is a diner town. Okay. All right. Yeah. There are so many good diners in New Jersey. Well, it's so funny because New York, New Jersey, you have Jewish deli slash diners too. Yeah. Which are...

I mean, they're two different things obviously. They are two different things. They are so well done on the East Coast. Usually diners in Jersey are owned by Greek people and there is everything you could ever want on the menu. Mm-hmm. Diners, drive-ins and dives. Yeah.

Those are the three... The big three. What's that man's name? Guy Fieri. Guy Fieri. He's so scary. Like... I don't mind him.

I think he's terrifying. I don't mind him. I want to meet the, like, exec that was like, this scary, spiky-haired man belongs on TV. He's so offensive-looking. He's basically... Bowling shirts. You've gone after... Hey, you can go after Henry Cabell, but you can't go after Guy Fieri.

I just find him so scary. Guy Fieri is basically what Mitch would turn into if he started listening to Smash Mouth. I already do. If you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants, you can e-mail us at dowboyspodguest at gmail.com. Check us out on Twitter at dowboyspod. Check out our Facebook page, just dowboys. Nicole Byer, thank you so much for joining us.

Yay! Thank you for making our longest episode in a good way. Really? Is this the longest one? I'm so sorry. I'm looking at the timestamp. I don't know if it's the longest. You have nothing to apologize for.

Yeah, no, no. Absolute delight. But yeah, a lengthy and an appropriately sized episode for the penultimate episode of the Tournament of Chompions, and I think we gave both chains their due. Do you have anything you would like to plug, Nicole? I think you said it earlier, but party over here on Saturday nights at 11 p.m. on Fox. And then I got a show coming out on MTV. I don't have a premiere date, but it'll be sometime in the summer.

So look for that. Nicole is... One of the best. One of the best. One of the best people around. She is hilarious on party over here, and you can also check it out. I think on Hulu and a lot of the sketches are online. Yeah, they're on YouTube.

I think we have our own YouTube channel. Yeah. And then I think one is on, like, Lonely Island's channel. And then the Fox app. You can watch on the Fox app. The Fox app. Whatever that is. I don't know of anyone who has it.

There is a Fox app that you can watch the show on. Good luck with your new showrunner next year, and... No! And I hope that every episode of Season 2 is in memoriam of Nick Ryder. Oh, no! You love Nick. Say it. I love Nick.

Oh, boy. Oh, see? Natalie, Nick and I have a secret relationship. Imagine that's how a wife found out her husband was cheating on her on a podcast as it's wrapping up. You guys really record three Doughboys a week? Yeah. Don't worry about it. All right.

That'll do it for this episode of Doughboys. Until next time, for The Spoonman, Mike Mitchell, I'm Nick Weigher. Happy eating. See ya. Happy eating.