Doughboys - UNLOCKED: Crumbl Cookies with Santa & Mrs. Claus

Episode Date: December 25, 2025

Unlocked and free for all! Santa and Mrs. Claus (Christmas) join the 'boys to talk their trial separation and Christmas preparations before a review of Crumbl Cookies. Plus, a special edition of A Single Item Must Be Banished. Watch this episode at youtube.com/doughboysmediaGet ad-free episodes at patreon.com/doughboysGet Doughboys merch at kinshipgoods.com/doughboysAdvertise on Doughboys via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. The following is a free preview of Do Boys Double. Subscribe and get a new episode every Tuesday at patreon.com slash doboys. The wait is over. Dive into Audible's most anticipated collection, the best of 2025. Featuring top audiobooks, podcasts, and originals across all genres. Our editors have carefully curated this. this year's must listens, from brilliant hidden gems to the busiest new releases.

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I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus Frosty the Spoon Man Mike Mitchell. Frosty the Spoon Man Howdy, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, my good boy. As you can tell, it's the Christmas episode, we keep saying ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Oh, ho, or dough, do, dough,

perhaps more fittingly for the doughboys. That roast was courtesy of Mark from New Zealand, another incest roast for the big bearded guy, lots of Yule Tide Love, in parentheses, Santa comes here first. I didn't think about that. But time zone-wise, I guess if you're in

New Zealand, you're maybe seeing Red 1 early on the early side. Oh, wow. And you saw the movie Red 1 early. It probably came out, I guess. Yeah, the international dateline works that way. Rosed at Birdfuck.com. Mitch, we should, I want to, we, we have a lot to talk about the holiday season. We have, like, just the most incredible booking possible for Christmas.

I don't think you can get a better booking for Christmas. I don't even get a better booking for Christmas. We're so thrilled to have them both in studio. But I did want to bring up something with because you had a character that you developed previously, and I said you should do it on the podcast. And I don't know if you want to or not. I certainly don't want to pimp you into this,

but I think the world should be aware of the existence of NPR Mitch. No. Okay, then you don't have to do NPR Mitch. Hey, how are you doing? It's a spoon man here. It's NPR Mitch. Today we're going to talk about a bunch of fast foods.

You know that French fries used to be cooked in beef tallow. That's good. That's NPR Mitch. Or Do Boys Episode 1 Oh, that is, it's very similar to how we started this bad podcast It's true Were we trying to be serious? What were we doing? I think we just didn't know how to do a podcast

We're like, oh, we didn't know you should have energy We're like, oh, podcasts are kind of like hushed like this Yeah, it's nice to be here with my buddy Mitch And you kind of kept that tone forever I perked up You perked up a little bit There's a reason for you to perk up today There certainly is Mitch

Wise, here we go, we got to drop Here we go, and it's themed for the holidays. Wow. It's, here we go. Christopher, Christopher, Christopher Rock. Give him a mic, and boy will he talk. Wow. Wow.

That one was sent in by the birthday boys. Wow, the old birthday boys bit Christopher, Christopher, Christopher, Christopher Rock to the tune of Jingle Bell Rock. That's right. Wow, a tribute to one of the, uh, the, the, the clown prince of the United States. Chris Rock. Yes.

And it wasn't that I just pivoted and googled Christopher Bell Rock and was hoping it was on there because we didn't have a drop. Someone uploaded it? Someone uploaded it. Wow. How about that? Do you want to hear how many views it has? Yes. Christopher Bell Rock from the comedy Death Ray Christmas album.

Oh, it's on the album. Has 1.1,000 views. Hey, that's pretty good, Mitch. Pretty good. Pretty good. Damn good. What was that uploaded? And also Alfredo Film Geek six years ago wrote, Thanks for uploading, exclamation point. That's the only comment. He was also scrambling for a drop for his podcast.

It was uploaded eight years ago. We should comment for our audio listeners. You and I are dressed up very festively. We have these Christmas sweaters that Amelia acquired for us. and then also Gemmy, perhaps most importantly, is catching a little z's, catching some shut-eye in the most adorable looking Christmas sweater.

So eight years ago, about a thousand listens, that's 125 listens per year. Nice math. Pretty good. Yeah, well done. Jimmy looks beautiful. Jamie looks really cute.

Anyway. She's been a little bit of a fuss pot about the sweater, but I think she's maybe softened or just gotten too tired to complain. That's funny to say she's being a little fussy about the thing she doesn't want to be in

she's not growling. It was easier to put her in the sweater than it was to put you guys in the sweater. We also, we both growled. Drops at birdfuck.com. Mitch, I'm just over the moon that we have to do. I'll say this. We talked about them like lists, someone that we would review McDonald's with. Right.

And Trump was on that list. Now let he's one again, I think he has to be removed from the McLeist. Yeah, I just don't think he'll be able to schedule it. But the guests today could be, they could be on the Mick list. I mean, I just wouldn't even think they'd be available, but especially in December, but we have them here today. What a thrill. Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus.

Wow. Welcome to Doe Boys. Don't you dare ring that bell. Oh, ho. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. bell away. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Well, Mrs. Claus is... I'm so honored to be here with my lovely wife. Get away for me. Mrs. Claus, you seem to be in a bad mood. Yeah, I'm not in a bad mood.

I'm fine. I'm having a great time. You know, I hate to say this. You know, the North Pole looks like paradise to me, but I think there might be trouble in paradise. What's going on here? Just another Tuesday for Mrs. Claus. What do you mean? mean by that?

So making a joke, I guess. Gingerbread cookies are good, right? You guys like gingerbread cookies? What's, what about a Tuesday would make me, what about a Tuesday would make me act like this? Here's the funny thing about the gingerbread man. He's fast. What's the deal with that?

Why is he so fast? Yeah. Sorry, there's like a million people talking at me at once right now. It's always something, isn't it? Everyone's like screaming in my ear right now. I just need everyone to chill for us. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Happy holidays.

Happy holidays. The thing that's about gingerbread is it's got that ginger spice. Yes, yeah. My favorite cookie to eat on Christmas Eve. Kids, tell your parents. Not the only cookie he eats. Oh. On Christmas.

Oh. Well, I mean, of course, naturally he's going from home to home that children are leaving cookies for him. He's got a lot of cookies. Yeah, let's take a bite of the carrot that's left for the reindeer. He's got a lot of cookies and carrots all around this world. Wait a minute. Let me just say that right now. Now I'm more confused a little bit, but.

I think I'm following. He's got a lot of homes that he visits, so there's lots of cookies and carrots. I mean, I can't imagine there's a layer beyond that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. When you don't have cookies at home, you've got to get cookies elsewhere. Okay. Wow.

I knew. I knew you were going to say something like that. Wise. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Thank you both for making time for us.

Thanks for having me. This is your busy season. My question is. You guys are very busy this time of year. You're very busy this time of year. You're looking ahead. Imagine it's boxing day. It's the day after Christmas.

The hard work, the heavy lifting is done. You get to rest your, kick up your feet, rest your heels a little bit. What do you like to do when you finally have a day off, a well-earned day of rest? I got a question, too. Who would you most like to box Santa? Yeah, that's a follow-up question. That's a great question. I love boxing day.

I would box crampus that. Remember what we did last year? Don't stop it. Okay, I'll tell the story. So last year, normally, you know, it's like... Normally, he comes home, six, seven in the morning, smelling like somebody else's perfume. Well, he's... Somebody else's tree.

Just to defend Santa. He is... The day after Christmas, he's gone on. around the world delivering. Thank you. I appreciate that. That's something that I sort of try and get across that never seems to be heard. Right. And I'm not working hard at home at all. Oh, Mrs. Claus does do, um, no, you were very hard at home. I never said you didn't work hard at home. We know from Red One. We work very hard at home. Yeah, we know from Red One that Mrs. Claus kind of works at the command center. So I'm not sure you have like a very similar role. Yeah, we did. Oh, that's nice.

That's cool. You guys got to meet the Rock. Yeah, we did. We had dinner. Oh, wow. Yeah. Was it one of his cheap days? Yeah, we went to Pop Bell. Oh, that's fun. It was a nighttime potbelly. That's funny. It was a beautiful concert. Someone was on the drums. Remember?

Mm-hmm. Shut up. Oh, my God. Last year, we ended up going to the Bahamas. Wow. That's fun. Yeah. To sort of, I have a friend there who has a house.

Just say who it is. Jeff Dutton. Wow. Wow. What the sloppy boy? You're a friend with Dutton? and um jeff dutton's friends with santa also he has a house in the bahamas yeah what the fuck what's that sloppy boy's patreon doing so um well it's his families oh i not to get this i don't know if he wants that information out there

but um he was not there so we ended up staying there for a night and um i kind of got some local ingredients made kind of a dinner for the both of us you make guacamole you make guacamole and nachos Not even local It wasn't local Well, I mean I went to a local grocery store And got fresh avocados Well

I mean I guess that is local But not specifically like a Caribbean dish And I guess you call everything With tortilla chips nachos We dipped tortilla chips in guacamole And then I grilled steaks Right Right

So not everything Nchos with steak That's to me See this is an annoying thing why I think you could probably appreciate this. It's like people will sometimes just call anything like on a bun a burger. You know what I mean? It's not a burger.

You know, it's like that's a chicken sandwich. You can't call that a burger. Is a hot dog a sandwich? I've always wondered that. We don't have time. We don't have time. Santa. Look, I just got to throw this out here.

You two seem very upset at each other. Yeah, it seems like something's going on here. I'm not upset. You want to tell everyone how you? your feeling oh my god of course it's all me um well if you must know we are in the midst of a trial separation oh my god oh goodness leading towards a possible divorce oh my god but also leading toward a possible you know reunion doubtful pretty very doubtful trial the okay so the therapist said that you the trial part is see how you feel right we're committing

to two months we're about two weeks in now yeah you seem to be having a blast well I'm I'm dating I'm out on the town I'm in my ho ho ho era wow oh my god yeah you're dating you're dating you're dating around I'm dating

yeah actually someone pretty famous right now oh you probably can't say who it is it's hot frosty oh my god you're dating hot frosty yeah Santa I don't know how you feel about that Yeah, it's got to hit pretty close to home.

I mean, we did say, no, you know, maybe not somebody who is like an acquaintance or within a couple degrees of separation of us and our immediate friend group. You're not close friends with him. You guys went to college together. You're not close. But it's someone I know. It's someone who's the number I have in my phone. I get what you're saying.

I'm not trying to take ties here, but he's kind of in the Christmas ecosystem. It's like, you know, dating someone else on another improv team, you know, it's like. Speaking of hot frosty. You know what that's like. I heard that like Frosty himself, not hot Frosty, but Frosty. I heard that he took Ozzyk.

I heard he's like really slimed down. He looks great. Frosty the Snowman, like is. I think we have a picture of it. Yeah, we'll put this picture up. There is. Yeah, he looks fantastic. He looks really good.

He looks really hot. Good for him. Yeah, yeah. Good for him. It gives him a lot of confidence. Also, makes his carrot look bigger. Yeah, his carrot looks way bigger. I don't know if you notice in the photo here again.

It's bulging. Yeah. His carrot is, His carrot looks pretty good. He's on board. You can get rid of the photo now. How many inches of that character? No, you can keep it up.

You can keep the photo up. I don't know. This isn't hot frosty. This is just frosty. Yeah, I know. He looks good, though. He looks great. Hot Frosty looks great.

You know, another thing we're talking about, Mitch, is that... Hey, is there anyone more famous than Santa? Come on, folks. That's a good point. Santa is maybe the most famous person in the world. Listen, there's a small list of people with a certain amount of fame that transcends. Right. Any celebrity, right?

You're talking about God. God. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Santa. Right. The Easter Bunny. Sure.

Good friend of mine. Ryan Reynolds. I'm sure you've probably snuck into his DMs. Well, yeah, I did. Oh, okay. Yeah. He ate me out. What do you want me to say?

Jesus. What do you want me to say? What do you want me to, you told me to be a fun. The Easter bunny ate you out? Yeah. He ate me out. Oh, my God. Before he hit all the eggs.

I've been learning in my own individual therapy. feet to pause before I react you know that's healthy go ahead take a deep breath yeah I'm counting to 10 the irony the irony that he would care who I'm hooking up with is all I'm saying here's this is just a big question for me the Easter bunny is like a giant bunny right yeah and and so you guys had had sex yeah well is is receiving oral is like is that having sex like just a purely oral thing I guess I would say that's that we fucked too okay okay then you did have sex there's no ambiguity there I you know women's perfume is something that I deliver to people as gifts good oh sure I was I was just gonna say it it feels like we're dancing we're being pretty overt with what's going on with Mrs. Claus we're we dancing around perhaps an accusation of infidelity involving Santa himself I just I feel like we should just go right out and say it yeah Santa why don't you go ahead and say it

my job is very stressful I work nonstop for a whole month I have one night to get everything right and if anyone else had that job you would probably say it was stressful too would you not would you not my job's not stressful I'm doing the same thing

one day of year it's the biggest year of my life You know, biggest day of my year. Okay, so you're getting in a sleigh and driving it and directing reindeer. Again, climbing down chimneys. Well, now you're, I think you're contrasting perhaps the physical labor you're doing and suggesting that's of more importance than perhaps the intellectual and emotional labor. I'm not saying it's a more important. You sound like her.

I'm not saying it's more important. I'm just saying, let's look at the facts of what is real and say that, like, I do work very hard for that. And that's something that one could have empathy for. I think the doughboys is a really stressful job It's true Yeah we record It's nothing near what I do

But go ahead That's a little dismissive That's a little dismissive We record We need to get 52 episodes out a year It's true We're doing year round We make 90 billion toys

In one month That's a lot That is a lot And go to 90 billion houses Also mention if you count Patreon episodes 104 So we actually have

We do take a few weeks off We do take a few weeks off So it's closer like 96 Oh that must be stressful for you guys so it's a lot it's a lot i don't know how many houses we are as far as you make 96 billion toys and you visit how many houses like billions of houses yeah we're probably we're probably in how many houses um how many two thousand yeah so it's gonna how many views did that uh video have one thousand and one think about that many yeah yeah so i'd say at around the 30 billion house mark

yeah yeah yeah you know i need to release a little tension sure right we get that yeah I get that. What do you mean you get that? In between episodes, sometimes we jack off. You're like in the bathroom or something? It depends. Sometimes we kick everyone out of the studio, Nick and I, and right? Yeah.

So you guys have jacked off right where we're sitting? In our seats. In our seats. Yeah, yeah. We're not animals. Well, Santa has to jack off too, believe it or not. And sometimes there's a nice single mom who's maybe still up with a glass of wine who might want to help. Who like Aaron Brockovich or something?

Aaron Brockovich? Yeah, I heard you fucked up with her. Oh, my God. Wait, do you mean Julia Roberts, the actress who portrayed Aaron Bakrovich or the actual like environmental activist, Aaron Brockovich? I thought Aaron Brockovich was like, was like Santa. I thought it was like one of those mystic. No, Aaron Brockovich is real. Oh, she's real?

She's dead too. Yeah, she's dead. Yeah, she died, so. So we're talking about Julia Roberts. Oh, my God. Well, that's not, well, okay. You know that rumor that Obama was hooking up with Jennifer Aniston? Yes, yes.

Susser texted us that. They got it wrong. Julia Roberts is hooking up with Santa. Yeah. Wow. So the night- I understand how the game of telephone led to that being Obama and Austin. That's where they got it wrong.

Okay, listen. She was up. We were talking. She had just found out that she was inducting Dave Matthews band into the rock and roll hall of fan that's right and she was excited about it i was like i love that band yeah i was talking to my friend about that and you were saying and they were saying here's a moment where dave matthews band could have like beat off the allegations of being like a purely white band yeah they picked the whitest person on earth to induct them into the hall of fame that's a

different discussion but i think that their fan base kind of turns people off but i think they're a really great band and their musicianship is unmeasured and anyways santa you've given me a couple's Dave Matthews CDs over the years that's right he loves Dave Matthews he loves Dave Matthews don't you? Why do you tell him about the elves? Tell him about

the elves Santa help me out here what about the elves tell him about what you did to the elves wait what what you did to the elves can we get in trouble if you did

ominous. Go on. I asked the elves if I could jerk off in front of them. Now what kind of workplace environment is that? Where the boss? I asked first. Jacks off in front of all the little elves who are working tirelessly for you year round.

Let's go to the producer's desk. What kind of workplace is that? I don't know. They just said how they'll, like, kick us out so that they can pull an auto focus in here. So, you know. They don't even kick us out. Yeah, we usually have to care. All right.

We don't need to hear any more from you two over there, okay? When it comes to this stuff, we're very professional here. Santa, I think. I'm trying to get a story killed about this by, you won't believe this, Jeffrey Toobin. And so I just thought Toobin had an op-ed criticizing Biden for pardoning his son Hunter. And I was like, Tuba, and you're the guy who fucking jacked off on Zoom. What you tell you to be on your high horse about like that, like nepotism or whatever? I have a question for you.

Stop pulling your fucking meat on the woodclothal. When did jacking off become a crime? That's, my question to you, is Hunter Biden on your Nottie list or your nice list? Great question. Well, he was on. Go on. No, go ahead. No, go ahead.

No, go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. No, you go ahead. No, please. I go ahead. I think, you know, I just, I think, I think, I think Santa, it's like a sensitive thing. He doesn't like, like, being asked about the naughty list, the nice list.

Yeah. I feel like it's like a thing of like, you know, it's like, it's like you as an actor. You don't want someone to tell you how to say a line, right? They don't want to give him a line reading. I think it's like the equivalent of that. He just like, like, let him do his business. Yeah. Do people come up to you on the street and go, hey, what do you think of, what do you think of McDonald's or whatever?

And you're like, this is, this is. Yeah, right. They go like this, make me laugh. Right. Go ahead. Make me laugh. Tell me a joke, comedian. Yeah, no, they do that a lot.

And I've never been able to pull it off. Hey, have you tried the new McRib at McDonald's? Honestly, Santa, they do come up to me and ask these questions. Do you like it when they do that? I'm not, that doesn't bother me. Make me laugh, that's a little bit harder. Yeah, it's a little aggressive. Go ahead.

Probably. Tell us a joke. Good. Make me giggle. I feel like you're mad at us, Mrs. Claus. No, no. I'm not. I mean, I don't know.

Are you guys friends with Santa? Are you, whose side are you on? Here's the day. I was going to say, we love both of you. Like, I was just like, we had Santa and Mrs. Claus on, Mitch, and you and I were texting, you and I were texting, I was like, man, this is amazing. I love Santa so much. I love Mrs. Claus so much.

These people have meant so much to me throughout my entire life and just the idea of, like, actually connecting with them in person. What's my first name? If you care so much about us. What's my first name? Welcome to my world. Gloria Gloria Claus Krista

Krista Claus It's Kringle and Krista Kringle It's crispy It's crispy Crispy Claus is your name Yeah Well crispy Kringle Crispy Claus

It depends on My Little Krispy I remember the first time I called you that That's sweet Do you go to North Pole you? We did We met there

we were both studying snow wow yeah it's a tough major again didn't you go to North Pole you I had a minor in ice you had a minor in oh wow and I had a minor in theater and what were you

what did you study there like children right I was see I was a I was a children's major you majored in children I had a major in children and a minor in candy canes wow didn't Jared from subway go to we do it was a couple years after us

he was a couple yeah we I was in his dorm. Like it was like people like I was in his dorm and people were saying like oh that's, that used to be Jared's room. I was like, oh, that's crazy. But that was before any of the shit happened.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had Jared's old room? Yeah, I was in there, yeah. Did you know being Santa Claus was down to me and Jared? Boy, bullet dodged. Bullet dodged for humanity. It was down to you and Jared?

Yeah, he didn't get it. And then he kind of spun out and then he like kind of got himself back together and started going to subway, yeah. He was, that makes sense. He was big. He had the look. He was hot before he got thin.

Oh, you don't like the. She's a chubby chaser. Oh. Except for right now, hot frosty. He's fit. Oh, you're going away from your type now that this is. You're my type, by the way. So I'm very Santa like you're saying.

You're my type. I want you to know normally. Oh, no, thank you. Normally I would be, I think I would be very aggressive. towards you, hitting on you, but I have a thing going right now with hot frosty. Well, that's very kind of you, but I'll be honest with you. Santa, you're my boy. I could never do that to Santa.

Santa's my boy. I would never, I wouldn't want to risk getting on the naughty list. Listen, one option here is that we, you know, we stay together. We have kind of an open thing. Santa. What? You know that's not going to work. It's not going to work.

You can't just open a marriage up that wasn't like what you were doing going in. We are one of the most important couples in the world. Yeah, it's true. What kind of example does that set? You know, we're like, we're like. Is that any worse than us being separated and divorced? Okay, look. I don't think there should be a stigma to ending a marriage.

If that's the right thing for both of you, if that's the right thing for relationship, I don't think that's a thing. I was Natalie never wanted to try to do a trial separation. We might be doing one now I'm not sure I'll text her You are just in your room playing video games most of the day

While she's in another room Yeah I'm functionally How about bro's weekend in the Bahamas Sid I love that idea I love that idea Nick probably won't come but Yeah no I'm RSVP no but that sounds I love the invite

Okay Can I quickly get into you minored in candy canes Yeah Can I just hear like so you know a lot of Provider than you would think. Really? Yep. Yeah, I will, um, uh, you know, first off, the candy cane shape was not originally a hook.

Really? It used to just be a stick. And then the other thing is they were, it was didn't, the stripes didn't happen for a while. Wow. Yeah. That guy knows the shit. They were just, they were just white. They were just a white stick.

And then they, they bent it and then they added the red stripes. And they didn't used to taste like peppermint. They didn't use to taste like peppermint. What are they used to taste like? Dog shit. Just to quickly review. White straight stick tasted like dog shit? Yeah.

It was modeled after brown straight stick. Oh, like that shit? It was modeled for a log of shit. That was the original idea. And then over time, things kept changing and they kept evolving. inventor. I forget his name, but he rolled out the shit like this. Yeah. Oh, wait. And then

he curved. And that was the first. Right. The first innovation. Oh, so the first Katie came was, he rolled out shit. He rolled it out. He pulled it out. He put it in the freezer so it got hard and he would use it to to hit flies away. He'd fly away with it.

Because the, you know, the shit was attracting the flag. I was going to say. They'd all kind of congregate around. But it was the quickest way to get all the flies in the house to one place. spot where just whack them, yeah. It seems like Jemmy would love the old treat. Dogs like to eat their own shit.

It's true, yeah. I don't know if that's true about Demi. She actually prefers cat shit. It's really interesting, but she loves eating cat shit. What an artist. Yeah, she's a real weird one. If you come over my place, you'll hit the jackpot.

I got a lot of it. She's trying to get over there. I'm just trying to get over there. We've seen your Christmas list. We know. I ask mostly for litter. on my Christmas list. You're getting a lot of it this year.

I'm very excited Santa. Here's my question. We asked about, we mentioned Red One earlier. The film Red One, which you consulted on, depicts the North Pole as kind of this Arctic Wakanda,

this sort of future society that has these technological innovations that we've yet to see in our world. Arctic Wakanda, as you said. That's why I feel like they were trying to evoke. Is that the real North Pole or is that an idealized version of it? Because I always thought of it

is a little bit more like, you know, wholesome and old fashion. Like, yeah, a little more Main Street. That's a great question. Have you ever been to Burbank? I have been to Burbank. It's exactly like Burbank. Oh, man. The North Pole is exactly like Burbank? We have Imagianos. You have Amagianosian

European Wax Center. Oh, nice. Okay. Wow. You've got it all up there. You have a Gisados? We have a Gisados. But it's not as good. Yes, B. I mean, I would imagine. It's not as good. Yeah, it's Yeah, it's the elevation and the air's thinner, so it's harder to stew meats and stuff like that. Oh, yeah.

We do have one, yeah. But, but they, regionally, they have reindeer tacos and stuff like that. Oh, that's fine. None of my reindeer, of course. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I know. It kind of seems fucked up that they have any reindeer tacos at all. It's nice to eat reindeer in front of reindeer.

They like it. It's a cannibal thing. I went to a turtle sanctuary once on vacation, and they did have, they were serving turtle meat at the snack bar. It was very strange. Really? Yeah, you get like turtle soup and things. Well, if you go to the IKEA in the North Pole, they serve reindeer meatballs. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Seems like you guys eat a lot of reindeer up there. Yeah, it's the main protein in most stuff. Jesus, Christ. I mean, you just kind of get it. It's like, you know, so sparse in terms of available wildlife. What else you get like an Arctic air? You got maybe a polar bear.

Penguin? Sure. Probably reindeer is the best thing you can eat. She makes a mean penguin empanada. I do. I do make it really good. I stuff a whole. penguin inside of a thing of dough and I call it an up anna.

Wow. It doesn't sound good but it's it tastes really good. It's amazing. Were you guys conflicted watching the penguin? I'm sure it would show that would probably make you feel hungry. Great question. Penguin, yeah. Yeah, well, she, she took, okay, so she's living in her own place now and she has the

max login and then she logged me out and changed the password. I haven't had a chance to watch it. Well, you can guess what they are. said go ahead guess guess the password that's the password you know you'll know the answer yeah crispy one two three four but you changed something where it's like maybe it's a capital k now or something like that i i don't like you guys i don't like you guys what i don't like you said it you don't like i don't think that was the end of his sentence it wasn't the end of my sentence okay sorry i i know i have to jump down our throat i react

One, two, three, three, four, we've been working a lot in therapy, you know, the main things that a couple's fight about, eight, nine, ten. They fight about money. Yes. They fight about parenting. Yeah. Or they fire, they fight about fire. They fight about fire. Yeah, I've heard this.

I've heard this. Those are the three. Well, I heard Frankenstein and Bride of were in therapy because they had a lot of fights about fire. Yeah. Because, like, Frankenstein's always like fire bad. Yeah. Bride of is kind of like, fire good. You know, they kind of just are kind of good.

And they got back together. They got pegged together. And you know who else I heard was in therapy because of this, Beavis and Butthead. They did, yeah, they had a whole thing. Fire, fire, he loves fire. Butthead was like, what's the all the fire? Shut up, Beavis. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'd think those guys would be on the naughty list, but they are good dudes. Beavis and Blood likes all the dudes. Just because somebody isn't smart doesn't mean that they're bad inherently. Mitch and I bet Butthead at Sketchfest, he was so nice. Yeah, he's really nice, yeah. He took a big, he took a photo with that. He's a good improviser. He's so funny.

He's so quick. Have you had him on that? the podcast? We had he's he's been fucking busy he's got his own podcast and also he said that weird shit too just not too long ago he said that weird shit yeah he wasn't that offensive it was I mean

yeah I know it's a little sometimes I think we're a little too sensitive about people saying that kind of stuff but okay people always think that we're so woke up in the North Pole we're not you're not that you're not that woke I just want to say that right now oh wow she's right you know things just don't you know we're really

isolated up there. Yeah. It's us, it's basically us, the elves, the reindeer, and the people who work at Guisados

and Magianos. And European Wax Center. Yeah. Butthead said that like Dario only got a show because she was a woman. It was like, it was like really complicated.

I don't think that's that bad. See, I'm Mrs. Claus. You know, it's just I mean, you know what Mrs. Claus?

I think you're my type. Don't worry, Santa. I don't worry. That's nice to hear actually. Listen, this is, everything's not, there's nothing in my control right now. Look, I think that I don't like you guys not getting along is what I was going to say. I love both of you. Forever it's been Santa and Mrs. Claus.

Yeah, everyone talks about both of us. Yeah, yeah. Equally. Mrs. Claus is just important to me as Santa wives. You too. I think they do. Yeah. No, they don't.

I think they do. And maybe some of that, maybe there's some of that, Santa, you got to realize you're a big shot, you know, you're that you're very well known. He's a narcissist is what he is. That's, that's, that's, you know what, you know the, what a narcissist? I know what I, I, I know what I couldn't give you a definition. I just learned what it is. Everyone in my life's a fucking narcissist. Oh my God.

Telling you. What is, what is, what is it, what is it? What is the definition you? Somebody who thinks about themselves. Yeah. Period. Wow. That's it. she's bipolar if you know what I mean

yeah well I'm I am bisexual if that's what you mean by that joke well hold on a second what do you mean and what do you mean bipolar if you know what I mean yeah there's I know what bipolar means Mrs. Claus's bipolar if you know what I mean she has a disorder where she has horrible mood swings oh yeah okay then yes I do get what you mean it's called my period yeah Santa you can't say someone's bipolar

if they have their period Yeah, you can't call a woman crazy, okay? Yeah, that's crazy. I didn't say one was crazy. But saying someone's bipolar just because they're on their period. She may be bipolar, but you're North Polar. And that's the thing you need to work through. I love that you said that.

Thank you. I said it because I love you. Wow. Sometimes a joke just kind of breaks the tension, and I just got to remember that we're here for a good cause. We're here to have fun. We're here to talk about food. Maybe I think your favorite food, I have to assume, though I don't know. I don't know for sure.

Maybe you'd rather have a big plate of rigatone from nachanos. He likes nachos. He likes nachos. I was going to- I like chips and dip, yes. I think when people have an association with Santa, though, when they think what food does eat, they're always thinking, cookies. Are you burned out by cookies by the time you're done with your deliveries, or is there

nothing you could rather eat endless amounts of? Christmas Eve is the only night of the year. Here, I eat cookies. Oh, wow. What a lie. Oh, my God, Santa. Such a lie. Wait, you're saying he's full of shit.

He's full of shit. I'm full of cookies. You're eating cookie every night. I had you tracked. You're eating cookie every night. When you say it like that eating cookie as opposed to eating cookies, it sounds like something else. It sounds like I'll be clear here. It sounds like Santa's eating pussy.

It sounds like you're talking about Santa eating pussy. Cookie. Let's just say And Sandy you got that big beard Which I would guess makes eating pussy very hard Is my guess You're not going to believe this But it actually makes it easier and more pleasurable

Oh my God Oh my God God For reasons I shent Disclose Man No I swear to God

You fucking touch that bell Now wise Every time this bell brings He's a Santa gets his cookie. That's kind of, that means that's for you, right? I don't know, man. I guess to say this bell, it's reminding Mitch, this is only something only you know. The bell is reminding me of past guest John Adams.

Oh, yes. John Adams on the podcast, he also had his famous bell. Yes, another mythical creature that, a mythical character we've had on the show. Another character of legend. President John Adams played in his famous bell. That's right. As we know, played by Paul Giamatti in the HBO miniseries. That's right.

I'm sorry, you don't have the password, but it's a great miniseries. It's really good. It's really good if you want to check out. I have an old screener. Oh, perfect. Mm-hmm. You get screeners? Yeah.

I guess you'd be in the guild. You're like, you make all sorts of... No, you make all sorts of appearances. He's going to get in huge trouble for this, but I'm friends with Giamati and he let me borrow his. He's in SAG. He is in SAG. Are you in SAG? It sounds like you're in SAG as well.

We're both in SAG. Yep. Wow. Yeah, we were at the strike. You guys were at the strike. You were there. Yeah. We supported.

We supported the corporations. Were you at a, which, which, oh, you were supporting the corporations. Yeah. Ted is a friend. You know, not the side I was on, but that's fair. Yeah, yeah. Everyone has their own opinions. Yeah.

Why? I got a question for you. And this is, this relates to you guys. Yeah. What is your Christmas Eve dinner or Christmas. night dinner. Christmas Day night dinner. Mitch is a great question. And also what you put out for Santa Claus for treats? So I will say that I think a lot of families will have like, oh, we'll have a big Christmas Eve feast, but that was never really a tradition in my family. I feel like if

anything, it would be like, oh, we might have some, we might have a nice, like a fun dessert or something on Christmas Eve or maybe some eggnog, a hot toddy, you know, like like a festive drink. But we'd save the big eating day for Christmas Day itself. How about yourself? I like a Christmas meal. I like a roast beef. Roast beef is fun, sure.

But my mom, oftentimes my mom will get lobster rolls. That's fun. Clam chowder. And baked clams, we'll do bake clams. And that's, it's very good. And then as far as leaving stuff up for Santa,

I go with milk and cookies. Yeah, we go milk and cookies. It's kind of a classic. Be fun if you, you know, if we bake some cookies, it would be like, hey, there's something homemade for Santa, which I would think you'd appreciate, but who knows, maybe he wants something, maybe he's like more like Trump and wants something that's wrapped that he knows is not going to be tampered with. That's, that's, yeah, do you like, do you like that better, Santa?

Something that you know is like hasn't been touched. Hey, here's a couple of chippel hoys in. Yeah, kind of similar to Trump. Um, what do I like to be left out for me? Well, um, listen, I love having my cookie night and, um, if any, anybody thinks outside of the box, you know, I don't mind. You know, every now and then you get, oh, I don't know, a Danish. That's fine.

A Spanacopata. You know, when I ride through Greece, they're always putting out Spanacopata for me. Didn't think about that. Yeah, in different regions. That's right. That Ziki all over his mouth when he comes home. It sounds like you just, it sounds like you're mad with Santa for being gross, it sounds like. It sounds like more hygienic.

no he he i i love you i love you no matter what the result of this is i want you to know you're one of the most important person in my life and i love you wow that's such a wholesome santa you really mean that to say of course i do from the moment i laid eyes on you i've been madly in love with you you remember that night we had wait at the macy's in the toys section and we grabbed that little train

remember and I said here comes the choochoo entering the station and I said oh he's going to have to pay the fair how much Mr. Conductor oh 40 quid You would not believe what happened next.

I think I have a pretty good idea. We were banned from the Macy's. Yeah, I think that's right. I think that's pretty right if I can guess what was happening. We were banned from New York City for a bit. Wow. You could have gone to New York City? Nope.

That's a huge place on your list. There's millions of people live there. There was a few years there where New York City was covered by, you know. Jared from Subway. Yep. Oh, my God. We would always call him up when we needed somebody because he had the education for it. He knows.

He was a runner up. This is hopefully free allegations. What year would that have been? There might have been maybe a year or two of overall. It was 2001, I think. I think you're in the clear in 2001. Yeah, but how many years was the ban? a lot going on. So the first year you didn't deliver

toys to New York City was 2001? Yeah. That's horrible timing. I know. We know. The kids could have... It was hurting, yeah. It was a very sad time. The city could have used to pick up. Jared took care of them. Jared did a good job. Everyone was fine. I guess they probably

didn't really even notice the difference. Presence showed up. They're like, oh, Santa came, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You heard that Sebastian Manascalco joke about, like, I would put it out a... I went to go put out a milk and cookies for my for Santa and my dad said hey you know

dad he's not going to want a milking cookies he's going to want some pasta and how about a glass of yonty because like his big Italian dad was like the implication that he was going to have it for himself I don't know if you like that kind of joke

or not I'm glad it this reminds me Santa I saw you on kill Tony oh gosh that's right you were you were you did you went to Austin I guess right yeah he did kill Tony You did it? You were successful?

He did very well. Wow. Yeah. I'm kind of doing, it's kind of like, you know, as I get up there in years, you know, I need to fill the time between Christmases, of course, you know, going to the Bahamas, whatever. But I'm trying my hand at stand up. And yeah, I was on Joe's podcast and then he said, come down, do kill Tony. Oh, you were on Rogan first. Yeah, it hasn't come out yet.

He flew to Rogan, of course. He did in a studio. You got to do it in studio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, you know, Kill Tony, he did, you did really good. Thank you. Yeah. You were there supporting.

Yeah, I was there. I helped. I helped. You know, she gave me a couple of tags for some jokes. I gave him a joke about, you know, when Santa is going down the chimney. So people think that he makes himself really small. Yeah, right. He goes down.

That's kind of what happens with the J.K. Simmons interpretation of Santa in Rowland. Right, or the Tim Allen version. Right. You get drunk. But no, he actually stays big and he cleans the chimneys. Oh. So I said, why don't you just say, I'm the Santa quicker picker-upper. That's so funny.

And it didn't it kill? It killed. Yeah, no, that one did okay. No, it killed. I was there. It did okay. Yeah. Well, it's different when you're up there.

What do you mean? That is true. We can actually test this, Nick and I. When you're up on stage, Mrs. Claus, it is just a completely different. different thing. It's different when you're up there. Yeah. I don't know if you're backstage. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, we're talking with improv. We're talking with

Do Boys Live. Yeah, right. Yeah. Well, I've performed before so. Oh, okay. It was a theater theater minor. Oh, that's right. You were a theater minor. Yeah. That's right. I played the back half of the body of a horse.

In Equis? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's wild. I was the feet. And the ass. I remember you won the Moth Story Slam. I did. That was a, it was a harrowing story you were talking about. I told the story of when I thought I was pregnant and I had an abortion. Oh my God.

Santos, I mean. And it was the hardest decision we ever made, but we needed to do it so that. That's only right to the kid, I'm sure you could never pay attention to that child. No, we couldn't. We couldn't. We have so much. We have the gifts. We have the elves. I just knew I had to put my career first. And he was by my side for that. That is extremely sweet. You know, no, my issue with the moth storytelling. No stories about moths themselves. Is that a joke? Was that a joke? Not really the time to crack a joke. Right on the heels of one of the most important moments of my life. An incredibly personal and vulnerable thing on the podcast.

Well, it's the truth. I thought that there would be more stories about it. And also, I try to lighten the mood a little bit. You know, I'm sorry. No, you're fine. No, it's okay. You're right. There should be more stories about moths at the moth.

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All right. I love being here with you guys. We're having a blast. Let's talk about food. Food. Let's talk about food. Yum. Santa, you got a bowl full of jelly.

You got a bowl full of jelly, and we had some boxes full of cookies. Christmas, of course, the big cookie holiday. We're talking crumble cookies this episode. Now, look, here's the thing. We might be on the naughty list for this, Santa, but I'm going to let you know. When we previously reviewed Crumble,

it was with Mary Jane Gibson and Mike Glazer, and it was for 420, our 420 episode, and we reviewed Crumbull cookies out of blunts. Wow. Yeah, so it was very. very, you know, we were leaning into the weed side. This is a very different holiday. Cromwell was found in Utah in 2017.

It is a huge COVID success story. So much of its growth happened during the pandemic. People were like, I can get some sort of fun dessert delivered to me or pick it up. It has basically no day and the virus itself. It honestly, it spread like one. It now has over 800 stores. We did help distribute COVID. Oh, wait.

I heard you say success. It was one of the busiest we've ever been. That's why winter there's always a big. surge is because usually I get it and then I'm going all around the world. We have a colony of bats that live in one of the warehouses. We're in the workshop. That's my Christmas dinner.

You eat Wuhan bats for dinner? He bites the heads off. Oh my God. Oh, Boise style. Santa, you're the super spreader. You should take some more precautions. Has over 800 stores reveals its weekly cookie lineup Sunday nights on social media.

Some cookies are served warm. some are served chilled, which we'll get to. That's the weirdest, the biggest hurdle for me with Crumble is the chilled cookies. They are very much their own thing. I feel bad for all the bats of Wuhan. How did I brought it off? I'm just saying they gotten a bad rap. Yeah, kind of painting with a broad brush to say like it's all the bats.

Yeah, it's not all the bad. They kill people. Bats of Wuhan. Ah, woo. That's a great, you should have done that on Kill Toll. I feel, especially Kill Tony would have loved. that I did I did it

crushed we got their holiday cookie lineup for Christmas topped by Jimmy Fallon's holiday seasoning candy cane

brownie now this is not a cookie hey hey hey Santa you're a Fallon watcher we love Fallon in our house

he's got to be in the nice list oh the nicest he's so nice yeah he seems super nice but he's so nice he's so real. People think it's fake, huh? People think it's fake and that it's all an act and he's an

asshole. But no, he is genuinely one of the nicest people. The sweetest guy. Yeah, he seems really nice. I know, that's so funny. Laughing so enthusiastically at everyone's saying, like, you know, being such a convivial host. Remember when he got the, the, what was that thing? Ring avulsion? Yes. Yes, yeah. Yeah, you get some nasty words. That was you? Yep. You guys, we had a little too many eggnogs, let's say. Oh, boy. Boy. But see, people also, people say Jimmy Fallon's an asshole and that he's a huge drunk. But these are just rumors. It's not the truth about him, right?

No, he's, he doesn't drink. Oh, wow. Yeah. So you guys had too much eggnog? I had too much eggnog and I shoved him really hard. Oh, my God. And I was being mean to all of his staff. Oh, wow.

Oh, so that kind of got just like guilt by association. Yeah. He's affiliated with you. Okay. Ellen was undone in a similar way. Oh, yeah. Ellen is a dream. She's so nice.

She's so wonderful. I screamed at her stuff. Santa. And I came up with that list of stuff that her staff isn't allowed to say. Oh, right. That was you? Yeah, like car accident. That's, yeah.

Well, now she's moved to England because of all of that, the stuff that you guys did. She's moved off to England. We're losing all our best celebrities. Yeah. We lost Alan. We lost Spacey. Everyone's moving overseas. Mel's still here.

Mel's still here. We got to stop driving off our best celebrities. Hey, Mel, which Mel? Gibson. Oh, Gibson. What other Mel's are there? Mel Tourmet? He's passed away.

No, Mel Brooks. Brooks, thank you. Oh, Mel Brooks, of course. Mel Brooks, yeah. He, no, he's not good. We don't like Mel Brooks. Oh, boy. Interesting.

All right, we don't need to interrogate that. I think I know why. Maybe you guys don't like Mel Brooks. Jimmy Fallon's holiday seasoning candy cane brownie is a rich brownie topped with a peppermint white drop butter cream complete with a drizzle of semi-sweet ganache and a crunch of candy cane pieces. Now I was going in ready to dislike this quite a bit. But just like Fallon himself, extremely likable. It kind of, it kind of worked. It was very, very tasty.

Wow. Wow. It was delicious. It was very good. Really yummy. They should do ho-ho-ho-ho for the Christmas Fallon Christmas episode. That is very good. I think that that's good

I'll tell Questlove Oh wow You know everyone Santa Well yeah of course this guy's got You know everyone is in his connections My little black book ain't so little Oh great He brought up the book

That's You guys are doing great Look we're not look I'm not a big Crumble guy But you know what If Crumble was Bumble I'd be swiping right on a lot of these cases

That's a killed Tony joke right there. Thank you. I think Kill Tony would love that. Tony would love that. I think the, here's the thing I was going to say. Peppermint, I'm always a little bit skeptical of in a dessert. And that's funny because you minored in it or majored in candy canes?

I'm minored in candy canes. I majored in children. That's right. I think the, and when you start getting chocolate and pepper. I mean, like, I'll like like a York peppermint patty. That will work for me. But again, I was just going in and I was like, I was like a peppermint brownie.

And then it's also got like, you know, it's got the peppermint buttercream on top and then candy canes mixed inside. Like you're biting into it and I was like, what are these nuts? No, they're like fucking candy canes. I was like ready to declare this uncapachka. But it all kind of works together. And I think the textures all sort of integrate well. And I think it's the right amount of peppermint, the right ratio of peppermint of chocolate. I thought this was this was rich and flavorful.

And although it is a brownie. not a cookie, I think it's a great seasonal crumble offering. Let's let the experts weigh in on this. Did it count as a cookie to you? That was a piece of cake. Wow. It was a piece of cake, yeah. It was a piece of cake to eat.

It was so delicious. Santa. I say no ruling. Who cares? I agree with Santa. Wow. You know what it's called when you're skeptical of peppermint? You're skepperment.

That's true. Gilt Tony with love. love that. Are you sure? He would love that. Are you sure Kiltoni would love that? He would absolutely die at that. Coffee, the caramel toffee buttercake. A warm gooey caramel butter cake baked with a crunch

of sugar crystals then topped with a delectable taffy glaze, a smooth vanilla bean whipped cream, and a drizzle of caramel to finish. Now, this was fucking cake. Now, this is the pancake? This was a cake, yeah. Wait, was this the pancake? This was the pancake? I fucking loved the pancake, too. I loved the pancake, too. This was really yummy. Extremely indulgent.

This is the thing. These, so if you haven't had Crumble before, these some bitches are like the size of donuts. They're big, big cookies. They're the size of a small child. Yeah, they're big. Or an elf. Or an elf. The size of an elf.

They're too big for one individual to eat all of. They are intended for sharing. In fact, part of what Crumble has is they have a cookie quadrant maker that divides it into foursums. And, Amelia, you were talking about the scandal earlier where it turned out that they were like being a, a. kind of coy about the nutritional information with these cookies. They were saying, like, hey, there's 180 calories per serving, but not disclosing there was maybe like eight servings in an individual cookie. Oh, my God.

So these are not, you're not meant to just grab one of these whole ones and eat all of it, even though that may be what you're used to in a cookie context. This one, I could not imagine eating more than like a quarter of it. It's so fucking rich. Which is good. You're only supposed to eat one eighth of it. I know. Yeah.

Man. I mean, I just say, that. That's not wild. That's wild. I think that they're trying to kill people. Those things. They might be. If you eat a whole one, you're dead.

Yeah. I came close. I probably ate a full altogether. I probably ate a of, you know, this is Santa. I know that Santa. Thank God I'm immortal. I was going to say. And you have a bowl full of, I mean, I have a bowl full of jelly too.

So this doesn't really affect me. We all do around this time of year. Everyone has a bowl full of jelly. But are you conscious about the calories in this? Is that too much for you? No, like I said, I'm immortal, and so it just kind of doesn't matter. I kind of just eat what I want, you know what I mean? That rules, honestly.

It's kind of cool. I mean, it doesn't mean it doesn't come with, you know, bowel problems. Sure. Yeah. You know, all that kind of stuff. Oh, I didn't think about that. You may live forever, but you may have real, like, uncomfortable BM. Yes, IBS.

Oh, man. That's not pleasant. No, no, it's not. But, you know. part of the job yeah oh oh this is something people don't realize but santa uses your bathroom oh he comes he's not just eating your cookies no you do you can't have milk but you do every time you drink that explains the morning i woke up my my mom and sister were like the bathroom stinks like what'd you do i was like it wasn't me it wasn't me you know they point the finger

my bad. That was you? Wow. Oh my god. You don't realize how much, how many cookies I've eaten by the time I get to your house. I'm sure millions upon millions. Yeah. Not to mention all the women he ate the pussy's up. Oh my God. I don't think about these two things in combination.

Should he go into one house and they're blowing up the bathroom? You're going to the next house and like eating some mom snatch? He's fucking depraved, Santa. He's exhausted beard. Yeah. Have you ever heard of the term Blumpkin? Oh, God. I have, but it's disgusting. It was an urban legend.

Don't describe it. You get on the joint and you call a mom over to... Don't, nope. That's horrified. Some things about the miracle of Christmas should remain secret. I'm just saying nobody knows what their parents do when Santa shows up. That's it. I'm sleeping in my mom's bed this Christmas.

Oh, I thought you always did that. Well, sometimes we, I do. And I'm putting, I'm turning on the camera in my toilet. My toilet camera. Thanks. We'll believe that one. Open secret. All right.

The cookies and cream milkshake. This one did not work for me. It's a milkshake-inspired cookie. This is one of the chilled ones. It's meant to be like an Oreo milkshake and cookie form This is the Oreo one The texture of this was like Plato to me

It was like I was like I did not find this pleasant to eat And I had this a good mouth feel Which I know is not a word we use on this podcast all that much But like it's I just felt like it felt It was raw Yeah it yeah thank you It felt like a raw cookie dough It was really really unpleasant

I liked it You liked it Santa Well he likes every cookie Well that's fair and also you I'm sure like getting a new type of cookie to you is you've tried every cookie there is that's what I'm saying I just want to feel something

you know I just want to challenge it felt like eating cookie dough it was delicious interesting and that wonderful orio flavor I love it that's I'm with you Santa I actually didn't hate this one I liked it okay middle of the pack more for me but I thought it was okay but that pancake one the pancake one was heaven phenomenal really yummy

That was very, it was an indulgence. Hey, I'll say this, they all go in as cookies. They all come on as brownies, am I right? Kill Tony would love that one. You can form them into candy canes afterward. Oh, God. Roll them out. Roll them out.

We forgot about the history of candy canes. Holiday birthday cake is a scrumptious cake batter cookie topped with smooth cake batter cream cheese frosting and festive sprinkles, red and green sprinkles. So this was very much like a celebration cookie. Uh, yeah, kind of like an elevated version of like what the, those, you know, those grocery store cookies you might get. Here's what Wiger says all the time. Birthday is a flavor.

I do like the birthday flavor. I'm a big birthday guy. This was a birthday cookie, but just with a little bit of, of, of Christmas panage. I thought this was working for me. I thought it was, I thought it was delightful. I have a question for both of you. People associate your birthday Santa with December 25th. But that's really Jesus' birthday.

Is that your birthday, too? I don't know when your birthday is. I don't think people really do that, but... Yeah, people don't associate... People don't think of the 25th is Santa's birthday. What are you talking about? They think it was Christmas Day. I reject your question.

Well, people sometimes think that he's Jesus. That happens a lot. I can see that happening. He's more famous than Jesus. Yeah. Like the Beatles. They sort of have a come to Jesus moment if they ever sort of witness me come down the chimney.

Because they think I'm fake. They think you're fake. They think I'm fake. Yeah. I've seen that. I've seen that documentary with you and the M&Ms. Yes, right. Where the M&M's faint upon seeing you and they say,

voiced by J.K. Simmons, I've read one. Oh, wow. He went down on the M&M with the boots. Oh, my God, Santa. The hot green M&M? Yeah. Yeah. You, yeah.

I mean, look. So. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Was it delicious? Go on Oh, sweetest thing I've ever tasted Oh my God

I'm sorry I can't I'm How dare you How dare you It's an M&M How dare you Honesty can be cruel sometimes

You remember that night at Trader Joe's Trader Joe's We're in the frozen food section Not a particularly private area And we were near the Samosas And in the little mini kishas I'm picturing my Trader Joe's

And this is just an open like lane With like a lot of foot traffic There's no privacy And you said Why don't you hop up on top of those pizzas And I got up there And you said You remember what you said

I remember what I said you want to make a correction right now was there trains involved 40 quid baby you picked up the dried mango I said I sat you up on that stack of frozen Spanacophiles

and I said we're not going to need a microwave to heat these up you remember Mm-hmm. So, hold on. You remember what you said afterwards? Mm-hmm. About my cookie?

Yeah, I did. I said that was the sweetest thing I've ever tasted. Okay, so do you want to issue a correction? About? About what you said before about Eminem's pussy? It doesn't, I'm just... Up until that point. Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

It's like in his defense. Thanks. They could both be true Because it could be sweetest And they could be surpassed by something sweeter Like a world record You know So which one came first

Me Santa That's why we love you See this is a great segue into the next cookie An Eminem cookie We had an Eminem cookie We had an Eminem You know this guy fucking blasted in his red trousers

While he was eating out his one wife in a fucking trainer shows shut a fat load his own pants was going down on the green M&M his pants shook like a bowl full of jelly

so you yeah it sounds like you guys had sex on top of a bunch of frozen food then ate the food as it heated up from okay we got banned from Ohio oh my god Wow.

Yep. Jared had to cover Ohio for a few years. Oh my God. Home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. That's true. That's true. Well, look, the M&M cookie. Yes.

Sorry, Mrs. Claus. It's called the original featuring M&M. So I guess this is like the first cookie that Crumble had. Crumble has like it like a, it like a, You know, Shake Shack is another chain that has. It's a lot of chains. They have, like, a regional one that's just maybe available, maybe in just as little as one individual store.

The one we picked it up from has the original featuring M&M's that is not currently a national cookie, but it is there. Yeah. Yeah. So I thought this one was perfectly functional, but, like, compared to the rest, I'm like, what are we doing? You know, it's, it certainly does not have that little sort of special sauce that some of the other crumble varietals did.

Imagine being in a shake shack when an earthquake hits? I mean, can you imagine that? I know. You were looking up with a sign and he was like, this is pretty spot on, you know? It would be quake shack, I guess. I guess that's more accurate. I'm still, I'm shaking. I'm getting shake the shit.

The same didn't like that one too much, it seems like. You look over and Shaquille O'Neal's there too. He came next door from the big chicken He's a chef's big chicken next door He's a big chicken He's going to pop in a shaglandale? Yeah Well, I know the one

I know the one Across the street from the Americana Which I know that you want a beautiful set up there When they do Christmas time I love it Oh, we love it We go to the Eritzia You want to go the Ritzia

I say we get one thing at Eritzia But then I get to go look at the Teslas Oh, Santa you're an Elon guy No, I'm a Tesla guy We just take pictures of him posing on the Teslas. We don't buy one. Okay. I like that much more.

We don't need it. Yeah. Well, yeah, we don't need it, but I want one so bad. I want one so bad. But he does do a jump like, Elon. Show him your jump. Oh. You don't have to show your jump.

I'll do it. Yeah, show us your jump. Push that microphone out of the way. Santa's standing up for audio listeners. Yeah. He's doing a jump. right now. I thought it was great.

I thought that was really good. Really good. Thanks. You got to like it. You pimped me there. You pimped me. It did a little bit, but you know what? It was great.

It was worth it. San Antonio's improv. Oh. Elon Musk, I hope he's on your naughty list. But you know, I bet it's not on your nice list. The owner of the beautiful Americana property, Rick Caruso, ran for mayor.

Yeah. them. Also the grove as well, a couple of L.A. landmarks. Rick's a friend. Yeah. Great guy. We had dinner with Rick during the strike and everything like that. Oh, that's nice.

That's great. And Zazlov was there. Yeah, sure. Yeah, this all makes sense. It sounds worse. Would anyone, any of their thoughts on that M&M cookie? I mean... I thought it was bad.

I was not enthusiastic about it. I thought it was pretty boring cookie. Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty boring one. It was pretty bad. It's fair. It's bad. Speaking of the bad.

ones. This was another seasonal one. This is another one that was part of the of the holiday cookie lineup. The strawberry crinkle. Terrible. This was a real low light for me. So this is, I'll read the description. A warm cakey strawberry cookie rolled in crunchy sugar crystals and sprinkled with fluffy powdered sugar. I think we were all anticipating

something a little bit more like maybe like a strawberry short cake or just with a more real strawberry flavor. Instead, Mitch, you were saying this tasted like strawberry cereal. I didn't actually, I think Amelia maybe said that. That was an Amelia's thought. I said cereal. Oh, yeah, Mrs. Claus, you were saying that it was a, it tasted like the cereal.

It tasted like fruity pebbles. Yes, fruity pebbles, right, right, right. Mixed with shit. Yeah. It's not good. It was so dense. It was, why are they making these, like, out of, like, they're not cooking these cookies, some of them. This one, yabababababab do-do.

That's what I would say. Also, yeah, you're right. Not really cooked. Also kind of like a play-douy texture. Yeah. I forgot to try this one. You didn't miss much. You think if I went on stage at Kill Tony and I said,

yabodabodoo, that Kill Tony would love it? You would love it. You think so? You would love it. Well, it just depends on your delivery. Wags, before 2025 ends, can you and I go down to Austin and try to get on Kill Tony? No. Come on.

Oh, come on. Please. Come on. We'll think about it. Okay, all right. We'll think about it. We'll think about it. Yeah, this was just very basic for a cookie.

It was fine. It was very much. I don't know. I don't even think this was fine. I agree with Mrs. Claus. I think this was bad. I'm like, these things are so dense and so caloric and so sugary. Like I'm jittery afterwards.

Like I had a cup of coffee that if I'm going to, if I may expend those calories on something, I want it to taste as good as the caramel coffee toffee buttercake. And that's part of the issue with crumble is you're kind of rolling the dice here, right? You're going to get some that really hit and some that are kind of like, oh, this sucks. But this is the other thing. Like with Salt and Straw, our neighbors here at Headgum, it's part of their social media strategy is they have cookies that are some that are kind of like weird or bad

because that drives more social media engagement. So it's kind of like the shitty thing about being alive right now. You know what they should do for the holidays? A coal cookie. Coal cookie is a good idea. People would try it. Yeah, it turns your mouth black? Yeah, that's fun.

People would love that. They love that kind of stuff. They do. Yeah. I think it would be big. You could put squid ink in it. There we go. That's fun.

I think that's great. I think that's great. Well, no, it would sort of, it would, without putting actual coal in it, it would make the, you guys don't. Just, he's shutting down all my ideas. Did you see that? There was like, there's like edible charcoal. Just, no, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, cold cookie. A coal cookie.

Yeah. Coal and, um, um, um, sticks. What's the other thing I put in? What? Oh, coal and rocks. Oh, rock. Rocks, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You tried sticks for a while.

I did try sticks for a while. But they were too, it was too poignant. It was a little lighter to carry than rocks, you know what I mean? Because the slays, like, can only handle so much, right? I did try sticks for a while, but it didn't have the same effect. Well, this is a part of the issue is that you get, like, you get sticks. And let's say you're Lars Ulrich drummer for Metallica, you're like, oh, hell yeah. And you start playing your zilgin symbol, you know?

You think it's a gift. You don't realize you're even on the naughty list. You're like, I got my favorite thing, drumsticks. Yeah, and Lars is on the naughty list for what he did to Napster forever. Yeah. Yeah. What he did to file sharing. Yeah, file sharing.

He spoke out against file sharing, which, as we know, saved the music industry. Oh, mama, I'm in fear from my life from the long arm of the law sticks. Very good. I did the drum part. And then he's coming out from the gallows and they don't have very long. Oh, mama, I can be it from a ride and so scared and all alone. Hey man is coming down from the gallows and I don't have very long. The renegade the animated finally found me.

The renegade your adelaideur and followed me. I never wanted wanted to make Did you say I don't think yesterday I'm a wanted man Did you say the Renegade who had it made Was Siffle and Ollie I said

The rainy days they had I was kind of mumbling Because I didn't really know What the lyrics are exactly I thought that was pretty good Of all of us, Wags Uh huh Really good

I was trying to place this song You don't know that song I'm sure We gave you a lot of bars I'm sure I've heard it. We gave you the total beginning. That's renegade by the band Sticks. Oh, that's cool.

So Sticks, for example, we'll be like, hey, we're like, this is like us, you know. Yeah, we did, you know, we have, our name is sticks. Yeah. But we also have drumsticks that we use. Coal also used for fuel. Well, I mean, whatever. And Cole also, you know, the wellness community got into putting coal into their water and all that stuff. It's true, yeah.

Yeah. You know. We like coal. An orange cookie and a coal cookie, I think would be fun. The two things in the bottom of a stocking. That could be fun. But look, Santa, Mrs. Claus, that's up to you guys to talk to crumble about. We have more cookies to talk about it.

That's right. We have the honey bun. The honey bun is a deliciously swirled rich cinnamon cookies smothered in a honey butter glaze. I thought this is a honey fun. I thought this was honey fun. It was, it is just like a honey bun, but in the cookie form factor. But I don't know. I thought this got the job done.

I don't remember this one. It looks kind of like a bee's nest. It sort of looked like one. Yeah, it just looked like a cinnamon roll. Oh, yeah. You know what's interesting? Honey buns normally are very. soft. That's true. And now this is a

crunchy version of it and you're, I don't know if that's a good, I don't know if that's the twist that makes it an enjoyable cookie or did I want it to be soft because it was a honey button? That's a great question. Yeah, maybe a little bit of a downgrade honestly. I think so. We're growing, but I still thought it was okay. It had a good taste to it. Yeah. Okay, there were two

evergreen flavors that they pretty much always have. We previously reviewed these on our 420 episode, the milk chocolate chip and the lemon bar. I don't love their lemon bar. I think their milk chocolate chip is perfectly functional, but not, like, as Like there's so many better chocolate chip cookies you could get. Including like, I think just buy the fucking pre-made dough from in a frozen section and make it in your oven.

Way better. Yeah. This one, again, it was raw. Yeah. I agree with both of those sticks. I like the lemon bar more than I thought I would. But you know what I think I wins the cookie besides the pancake one, which is the number one. Ho, ho, ho, ho, I think Fallon, do, do, do, do.

Ballons was fun. Fallons is up there. Just to paint a picture for our audience, the lemon bar is a. a circle or cookie. It's not like a lemon bar. Like the brownie is a brownie, but the lemon bar is like called a lemon bar, but it's a lemon bar cookie.

It's a lemon bar cookie. Yeah. Also, we should point out Jemmy Clause, your guy's dog, Jemmy Clause, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. Just think of who, if you guys split up, Jimmy's gonna have to switch between. He's gonna get custody of Jemmy Clause. The plan is that I will. Oh.

Oh, wow. Oh, all right. Isn't that right? We didn't have a, That plan wasn't run by me, but we can talk about that after. We don't have a pre-nup, so. Oh, wow. I already have my lawyer.

He's the same guy that did Fire Festival. Oh, boy. That's not, that's what sounds bad. Sandra, what if she gets half your toys every year? Well, we didn't sign a pre-up, so it's not a problem for me. What are you talking about? No, so you're supposed to sign a pre-off? See, that's a bad thing.

It's part of the issue. That's a bad thing. Oh, damn. He tried to get me to sign one early on. I told him no. Absolutely not. I said, do you love me? Then you won't make me do this.

This is why you guys should stick together. Do you remember the night at the Pailas? The shoe store? I remember. In the sandals, I know. In the sandals, size 11. You remember? Yeah.

I said you're going to need a bigger size than that. Jesus I remember we went to the size 12s And I grabbed a pair of those Crocs You remember? I remember And then there was those boots nearby

Mm-hmm I put one of them in your ass You guys need to stop You guys I think you need to stop Going to public places And doing stuff like this Yeah, pretty indiscreet.

Yeah. I mean, like, you can have your kink or whatever, but, you know, it has to be done with the enthusiastic incentive. You guys are going to put a size 12 crock in your ass and then come back and tell me we want to do. You know how much we do for the world? You know how much good we do? It's true. No, you were. That is fair.

If we want to go to a pay less or a best buy and get our dick sucked, let us. All right, that's fair. Let us. Let us. Do you guys have a, do you have an AMC up? the North Pole because there's one in Burbank. Yeah, you must have an AMC. Do you have an AMC? It's a regent.

Oh, no. Yeah. Does it play, do you guys get like, does it have like the regular movies that are playing? Or is it like all Christmas movies all the time? You got to have your first one movies, I imagine. It's a mix. Quentin Tarantino owns it. Oh, wow.

Oh, that's fun. So it's kind of curated. It's kind of curated. So he has a lot of his 35 millimeter collection in there. It is a lot of Christmas movies, but it'll be like, it's a wonderful life in 35 millimeter. And, you know, a lot of people think he's like an asshole or whatever. He's kind of a creep, but he's just so awesome. He's a great guy.

I agree on this one. He's a great guy. To be fair, I do agree with this. I like him. Yeah, I even, one could say I heard him fart once. Oh, tell us about that. One could say. Maybe in the Vista bathroom

I heard Quentin Tarantino fart one of the Well, that's a place where it's okay to fucking fart It's fine to fart in the bathroom. Was this at a urinal or was this like into an echoey toilet? He went to the stall and maybe he farted in the stall. So he might have been also taking a shit Which is even like that's totally fine. You heard him taking a shit.

You smelled Quentin Tarantino's shit. Think about it. And the shit of an auteur. I love Quentin Taranty. What did it smell like? Cinema. Do you make it into a candy cane after her? I did not make it into it there was no I should never have told the story did it smell like did it smell like feet it did not smell like feet sanna did that kink is fine I say imagine when you get when you get that famous anytime you have to shit anywhere there are people thinking oh my god I'm hearing quitting tarantino that'll be a story that will be told like anytime yeah yeah you're taking a big shit in a public it's funny I think there's doboys thousands of dobois listeners who have that experience

Yeah. And we don't even have that many fans, but there's thousands of Go Boys listeners who know this. It's interesting. Imagine being like Paul McCartney, right? Yeah. Yeah. And you see hundreds of people take a shit every day. But when somebody sees you take a shit, it's like the best day of their life.

Right. That's true. It's a gift. That is true. You know what I mean? Well, Sanna, you give you a gift of shit when you go to houses too. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

That is, it is a gift. Santa One that I can give of Endlessly and never tire of Santa here's my one This is my one ask for you this year Take one in my house And don't flush it

You're gonna make a candy game I think when you get home tonight Yeah You're gonna see that Christmas came a little early This year Wow Wow, what a tree We'll leave one for Wally and Irma too

In their litter box It's already done Do we have any more That's the full run down of cookie So we should get to our fork score for We're going to say, Santa I was going to say make sure you tag me When you post a picture of it

Hi, I'm Beck Bennett I thought I was Beck Bennett No, no, no, no, I'm Kyle Mooney. Sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good. All good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, and we host the show, what's our podcast here on Headgum?

But we want to make sure you heard about a very special episode with a very special guest that we just released in the feed. Yeah, it's in the feed. It was sponsored by Squarespace because they were appalled. We didn't have a website for our show yet. They were like, you don't have a website? What are you guys? Kindergarteners?

They wanted to do something about that. So we built a flawless, beautiful, perfectly designed website live on the pod with our very special guests and very website. savvy guest. Should we tell them who it was? Let's, but we could play 20 questions. I don't think we have time for that. Is it person? No, it's not.

It's Finn Wolfhard. But Finn had a bunch of great ideas for the website. Beck, you had some amazing ideas for the website. Thank you. You had some amazing ideas for me. Well, I was sort of driving the thing. I was sort of like clicking and I was like, let's put a little, let's put some widgets in there. I was talking about widgets. You kept on using that phrase widgets. Yeah, there's all sorts of stuff there. You might want to check out the hippo.

Just go check out the website. Just know that there's a hippo video and know that, you know that, you're going to want to watch that. We had a lot of fun making this episode. We had a lot of fun making this website. I think you're going to have a fun time listening to it and maybe watching it. Think of it as our little Christmas present to you.

Yeah, yeah, this is a gift for you, okay? It's just like, it's a selfless thing we did for you. Thanks to Squarespace for making us build a website, sponsoring the episode, and for supporting creators across the Headgum Network. Go check out the bonus episode. What's our website from What's Our Podcasts on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts? Go to Squarespace.com

slash beck and Kyle for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code Beck and Kyle. Yes, sir. To save 10% off your first purchase of a website domain. Get it, Kyle.

Mrs. Claus, Santa Claus. Here's how this will work. We will each go around and give our closing argument on Crumble and you can give it a score from zero to five forks. Wow. Santa seated to my right.

Should we do something a little more Christmassy instead of forks? Yeah, how about five Christmas forks? That's perfect. I love that. Santa seated to my right. You are, I'd say, the main authority, one of the main authorities on cookies. One of. Your thoughts on crumble your Christmas forks.

Let's break it down. You, cookie monster. Mrs. Fields. Mrs. Fields. Yeah. Famous Amos The robber from the cookie crisp box

That's right The mascot You guys are definitely the Mount Rushmore there The five of you Oh the Keebler elves Keebler elves Yeah The Krocker

Maybe Betty Crocker She does everything She's not just cookies Famous Amos right Famous Amos yeah He passed away recently Paul Hollywood

Paul Hollywood Prew Bill Gates Cookie Oh, yeah, like a computer cookie. Yeah, computer cookies. Thank you. Who doesn't love a cookie?

Who doesn't love a cookie? We came here today to the Headgum Studios in Silver Lake, California. That's right, Sarah. And there was a beautiful spread in front of us, and we got to try all these delicious cookies. We sure did. Some of them good. Some of them not so good. The friendships in that.

in that room were the most important thing to me I agree with that that's a lot of love I love a sweet treat and I'm happy to have some cookies early listen was it perfect

no ho no ho instead of no oh no ho no ho can I just say no four Christmas forks four Christmas forks It's quite a sports

outrageous outrageous Mrs. Claus Mrs. Claus outrageous that's too high way too high wow in my opinion where would you land i'm going to give it a 2.8 2.8 christmas forks we can confidently say there's never been a 2.8 christmas fork rating it's true yes that is a first for the doughboys podcast i just think that half of half if not more were raw yeah uncooked raw raw doughs

that were way too sweet there was about two the pancake the pancake and Jimmy Fallon okay and the birthday one we liked a lot the birthday one was fine it was good but they're all too sweet way too sweet yeah and too rich so I could have a bite of the the one the the the pancake one's really the only one I would have again the rest of them I feel sick thinking about what we ate I also do feel sick thinking about the cookies I feel stuff and sick right now. I'm like a stocking. I'm stuffed.

Stop it. Yeah, but unlike a stocking, you're not hung, pal. Wags, you are the man, man. You're not, you really are my type. What? Okay, okay. I'm sitting right here. I love him.

Mrs. Claus, you get a lot of DMs from Doe Boys fans. Send it my way, boys. No, no, no is what I say to that. That was not fun for me. Look, I love saying I love Mrs. Claus. I love the Doe Boys staff all gathered in the kitchen. Wow. I didn't realize that the social part of this.

was part of the rating. It's a part of it. It is a part of the experience. Don't worry. This doesn't count for anything. Well, I was in, I was, because we should,

we should say this, that this is the night before Christmas. Yes, this is a night before Christmas. And all through the house. Yes. Not a creature restoring. Not even a mouse.

And I in my kerchief. When along came a spider. That sat down beside her. And, and, and, Time's up Mama and her kerchief

You were already wearing a kerchief And I had my cap on Right And we just settled down for a post Long record nap Yeah Yeah Went out on the table

There arose such a cookie I said Will this be good or will it be ucky It sucks It's really good Kill Tony would love this All I have to say is tasty cookies to all

And to all a good bite Wow Four Christmas forks What? For Christmas for Wow Way too high Santa you need a more positive lady in your life

Excuse me, I'm very positive you didn't know me pre-finding out about his cheating you were very positive i was i was the light of everyone's life i was like mary berry oh my god mary berry mary and berry who are you talking about mary mary mary mary mary mary from um great british mackoff the original um second host i think this separation is a trial no longer wow what yes we are officially separated. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Stan, over a cookie score? No, just over the whole, the whole, this whole experience. Okay, fair. By the way, the sweater, which I'm enjoying, but is such a piece of shit that two of these ornaments have fallen off already. So there you go. Thanks a lot, Amelia. She went out and got us these sweaters.

She made them. Tipsy elves is wearing out. Tipsy elves. I would not expect durability from Tipsy elves. Dark Tank. We didn't get these for free. Yes. Yeah, we didn't get them for free except for maybe you might return yours if you didn't notice that his tags are taped to the back of him. I'm keeping my tipsy L sweater.

I like mine. Not a single bell is falling on. Wow. Wow. Here's the thing. That I've noticed. This is just an inconsistent experience. And I think this has always been the case when I've gotten crumble.

Is like, whatever. Maybe that's part of the fun of it. Hey, there's some, hey, I like this one. Oh, I didn't like that one. Maybe, I mean, obviously, that's what they're going for for some degree. But for me, I'm like, I pick my spots when I eat desserts. It's not a thing I indulge in regularly. And so I have a pretty high standard for what it should be.

I feel like that this was met, that standard was met by about three of these nine different cookies we had. So, you know, one third, which, hey, that gets you the Major League Hall of Fame, but we're not talking the great sport of baseball. baseball, America's pastime, we're talking cookies here. So I feel like I just need more of these to be consistent, to be at that level of quality of some of the bangers. And also, I just think conceptually, the fact that you have to commit to like a box of six or a box of 12, that this isn't a place where you're like, I'm going to get one individual

cookie and eat it in my car or whatever. That's just not what this experience is. It's more sort of like this is for parties or whatever means that you're just going to have a sort of hit and miss. I do feel like shit. And we all feel like shit. That's the other thing. I feel insane.

I feel bad. My stomach hurts and I just, I feel dizzy from all the sugar. And it's like, what are you going to do with like the... What do we do with the rest of my day? 25 other donuts that are, I mean, donuts. Yeah, the rest of the... They're effectively donuts.

Those pastries are going in the garbage. So I... Give them to someone in need. I... Yikes? Yeah. Give them to someone in need. The garbage might eat them.

I think that I don't think I can go above two and a half forks Christmas force for Cumbull. I think it's about where I land here. Oh man, I really loved that pancake cookie. I think this is the thing. I think the highs were very high

but I think you have to review the whole experience. And I'm just like, what are we doing with that original cookie with the M&Ms? You're making me want to lower mine and get even further. Santa and I are on the same page,

Mrs. Claus and Wags on the same page. Every point you lower yours, I'm hiring mine. Wow. Oh my God. This, By the way, what were you going to say? I was going to say, what are you up to tonight?

Actually, you check your DMs. I just sent you a message. It's below a bunch of story reactions from me saying, like, looking good, that's funny and stuff like that. Nick, what are you up to tonight? You know, I'm just chilling. I was probably going to watch some basketball. You know, we got NBA Cup action returning. I'm very excited to see people with Emirates NBA Cup.

Yeah. Cool. Do you need anyone to do that with? Yeah, we could hang out. Maybe I could suck your cock afterwards. Cool. All right. Great.

All right. My plans are made. Okay. All right. It's time for a segment. It's our version of the defunct one got to go meme. It's a single item must be banished. A single item must be banished.

Santa Claus also has one of your bulbs. Oh, how about that? Found one. So that's the third one that fell off so far in me wearing this for about 90 minutes. This is a jingle item must be banished. One got a ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, Christmas edition. Oh, ho go. One got to go, ho, ho.

Okay. Christmas edition. Here we go. All right, first up, cookies. We've got a four-way here on our monitor for audio listeners. We've got sugar cookies, gingerbread cookies, snickerdoodle, and shortbread cookies. Run, run as fast as you can out of this picture. The gingerbread cookies got to go-ho-ho.

It's either gingerbread or shortbread for me. I think I'd probably get rid of gingerbread. I don't know. Gingerbread or, I don't like snicker-doodle that much. Oh, boy, I love stickers. What are those last ones? Shortbread. Oh.

Get rid of that. I think I'm with Santa. I think I'd get rid of shortbread. I'm going to get rid of Snickerdoodle. Emma, you like the shortbread? Short bread's one of my favorites. Wow, what do you get rid of here? I might get rid of the ginger bread.

Even though I like it, it's my least favorite of all of these. Yeah. Amelia, you got to pick? I get rid of Snickerdoodle. Wow, I'm surprised anyone's anti-snickerdoodle. I think those are heaven. Next up beverages. Milk, hot cocoa, eggnog, and mold cider.

Boy, this is tricky. I think I might go with just milk here, even though it's great with cookies. It's not seasonal. Santa, I'm sorry. Milk's got to go. I'm getting rid of cider. I know it seems crazy, but I love nog.

Milk with the sweet as heaven. Yeah. And hot cocoa, can't go wrong. Hot cocoa is great. You're getting rid of cider. I can see. I can see the argument for cider. I'll have tea.

Yeah. Wow. I don't eat no fucking sweater. Damn. All right. Santa what do you think I'm just I'm shocked by the cider thing

cider to me I get it you don't like the cider I'd rather have a hot toddy I get that Hot toddy is very good Hot toddy is fun Hot cocoa Not go go

Oh my God Santa I'm shocked Santa getting rid of cocoa Why Santa Why Santa why When have you ever had a good hot chocolate Wow. Probably about every Christmas season.

Yeah. They're never good. They're too hot. Have you ever had a Mexican hot chocolate? Oh, those are fun. Heaven. Yeah, I've had a Mexican hot chocolate. He said he's been all around the world.

Sorry, I know that we're hanging out later and he's sucking his cock later. But I got a side of... You're watching basketball first. Oh, okay. Sorry. Where do you want to go? You want to go to do? Like a Ralph's or something?

Emma Amelia, beverages. What do you think? I guess I get rid of milk because it's the most boring. Yeah, that's kind of my argument. Same. Yeah. All right, next step, Christmas treats. Fruitcake, figgie pudding, candy canes, and apple pie.

Nothing here is particularly exciting to me. I guess I probably get rid of figgy pudding because it's what it's least familiar to me. This is going to get piss you off. I know that because you minored in it and candy canes, but I think I'd get rid of the candy can. Wow. A plain candy cane and then all these other things

are like bready, desserty things. Come on. I feel like candy cane is so iconically Christmas, but fair. I've never tried the thing that has the gummy worms in it.

So I'm going to go with that. You never tried a gummy worm loaf? It's delicious. I refuse to choose. Wow. Wow, Santa. Santa will not make a Sophie's choice. Emma, Amelia, what do you think?

I don't really care strongly about any of these, of any of them. Fruitcake, got to go. Next up, Christmas Carols. Silent Night, Joy to the World, deck the halls, and Hark the Herald Angels sing. Can you say them again? Silent Night. Joy to the world, deck the halls. Hark the Herald Angels sing. Silent Night, depressing.

I agree, Santa. Yeah. Boy, I think Silent Night is so beautiful. What's the next one, Silent Night then? Joy to the world, deck the halls, Hark the Herald Angels sing. Hark the Harold Angels. sing that's pretty beautiful glory to the newborn king that's beautiful joy to the world you know joy to the world could maybe go yeah i think silent night bye i like silent night

it is sad uh but that's what's beautiful about it it reminds me like baby jesus and then i i just think about santa so oh oh here guys like that's such a bad thing i'm amelia you got a christmas carol you want to get expunge? Um, I guess I'll have harked the Harold Angel sinks. I've got like weird Christmas memories attached to all the others. Wow. Yeah, that's fair. I would get rid of probably maybe silent night. Yeah. Wow.

I'm surprised by the anti-silent night. I like silent night. Next up, reindeer, dasher, comet, blitzin, and Rudolph. Do not make me do this. This is so fucked up. I'm going to get rid of Rudolph because he's a fucking freak. Whoa. He's different and I don't like him. The options are, can you say the options again?

That's exactly why I had him lead my sleigh. Dasher, Comet, Blitzin, and Rudolph. Yes. Dasher, on Dasher, he's the first one. Yeah, it's first one. Comment Blitzen and Rudolph. Blitzen's got to fucking go. Wow.

I like the name Blitzin. I'm getting rid of all of them. We're going to eat them. Oh, Jesus. Taco style. Okay, next up, this one might be more controversial. honest. Oh, my God.

Santa's crew. Mrs. Claus and Elf. Jack Frost and Callum Drift. Easy one for me. Yeah. Mrs. Claus, I'm going to say the likeness is incredible. Yeah. They're the same size.

It's a spitting image. Mrs. Claus, I don't think you've ever looked better than that little model, the little model toy they made of you. You see on the right that elf Now imagine Santa jacking off in front of him Is that same expression He still got a smile on his face doesn't he This is Frosty before the Ozempic hit in

He does not look at this No that's old Frosty It's classic Frosty's version of Ozempic Just like the sun That's a great question Emma No he is he's injecting Osempic It's global warming I think, look, here's the thing.

I think Calum Drift is the recent addition to the crew. Calderdorfel, technically is an elf, to be clear. Technically is an elf. I think I'd get rid of Calum Drift. Yeah, get rid of him. All right, next step. Oh, you already, it was. Yeah, that's, I mean, you know, I can get rid of the one that's already gone, you know?

Important tasks. Calum Drifts is gone for me. Double-checking the Nottie and Nice list. Making your list, checking it twice. Reading letters from children. Spending time with Mrs. Claus. Ooh. Another easy one for the S-Man.

Motivating the elves. Motivating my elf. Look at him grabbing the elves' hand to put it on his dick. You see that? Honestly, it does look exactly like that. It does look like that same. Exactly what that is.

Do you feel that? No. One of the biggest things for me every year is motivating the elves. It's true. Yes, whoever made this list, Amelia. Motivating the other. I have no idea that this is where the conversation was going to go. Motivating the elves is one of the things that you asked if we would miss.

Yeah, I think maybe motivating the elves is the thing. I'm going to go with that one too. I don't think we have to motivate the elves. It sounds like that's Santa's favorite. Oh, no, I love that one. I'm keeping that one. I think he does have to motivate the elves. That's what I always think of a Santa's duty.

Hold on a second The first one is making a list The second one is checking it twice No, the second one is reading letters From Children Okay, reading letters for children Which we know you want to keep He's got to do that

The third one is what? Spending time with Mrs. Claws And then motivating the elves Okay, motivating the elves Yeah, you know honestly Maybe motivating the elves That seems less essential I mean what are you think?

I was just trying to think of things That Santa might have to do Motivating you Come on guys, are we psyched One more Let's make toys Let's make toys Finally, Santa's catchphrases

Santa, actually, do you want to read these off for me? I'd love to. First one is Ho! Ho! Yeah! Classic. You better watch out. You better not cry. Yeah, that's good. I don't think I say that, but...

You better not cry. Okay, here's a good one. He says that to the elves. You've been very good this year. Oh, classic Santa Clara. And Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. That one's really good. I'm going to say that the one to maybe get rid of is

you've been very good this year. Because that feels made up like it's not a thing you actually say. You've been very good this year. I mean, I've said it. I mean, I'm sure you have. I'm sure you'd say it. It's not like I've never said it. You can't say it without sounding like a pervert.

Try. you've been very good this year that's normal to me you've been very good this year is something I have you been a good boy this year maybe is what I've heard more so right

but I've never heard you've been very good this year it's got to go for me wise yeah I think that one's yeah all right hey just like that was that was a jingle item must be banished one got a go ho ho ho Christmas edition next up

is our feedback just like a restaurant about your feedback what's up with the feedback and we have a voicemail today let's take a listen he's he's wired into the end now, folks. He's ready for this to end. We're coming in for a landing. We're coming in

for a landing, Santa. Hey, Doe boys and Doe Fam and Jemmy. This is Max from the Doe scored. Wow. I was curious, has there ever been a Christmas where you have given a gift and you

just saw the person who received the gift just really did not enjoy the gift that you got them? No. I'm sure you guys are all amazing gift givers but you know sometimes you know things happen so let me know if there's ever been an incident like that thanks love you guys bye wow max for the dose scored thanks so much for the question i guess it's it's have you ever given a gift and disappointed somebody

by doing so anything of a specific circumstance i bought my mom an iPhone last year yeah she immediately you could tell that she wasn't happy. And she was like how much did you spend on this? You know, she was upset about that, that I bought her an iPhone and then I had to return it. She didn't want to, she didn't want to keep the iPhone. Wow.

And I remember I can't remember, my mom would always lie but now that I'm an adult, she was like, what are you doing? So I do remember that, yeah. It's a real one. Sorry, I went with the real. No, no, no. That's what the question was looking before i gave santa a christmas fedora we could look for you and so he'd wear that instead of his hat yeah yeah i think the hat is dated i think it makes him look older okay and he didn't he he

looked at it and he pushed it on the ground oh my god wait so i feel like my head's a little too big for a fedora and i had this one especially made the elves measured you while you were sleeping. Oh. I had mentioned that I wanted a... Is that what that movie while you were sleeping? Is that what that movie is about? Yeah.

Oh, wow. While you were sleeping is a Christmas movie. Oh, it is. That is. That is a good idea. Well, I've given a lot of gifts. But I'd say the most disappointed I've ever seen in a gift I've given is when I gave Wiger this tipsy elf sweater.

Uh, look The thought was there But I just think it's not particularly well made It's like another one fell off Well it seems like you're pulling them off Yeah What am I supposed to do? Not pull out of?

Yeah, Doc, it hurts when I do this Well, stop doing that All right, you got me there Yeah, you're, yeah The answer is you're not supposed to pull up them No, I'm not really pulling at them They're just kind of falling off That one was like hanging by a thread

It just kind of came off there Well, they're all hanging by thread No, but I mean like that, you know what I mean. Like it's like it was not strong, not well-attied. I feel like those are hot glued on if we're being honest. Yeah, I think this is a pretty hapast execution. You know what, Cindy, you reminded me. I gave Weiger a Lakers jacket and he never wore it and he seemed to be sad about it.

Oh, my God. No, I like that Lakers jacket. It's a great jacket. It was a nice gift. It was a lovely gift. I know another time that I gave you a gift. For your 40th birthday, I brought a bunch of friends down to your apartment. We all did a, during COVID.

and we all did a little a drive-by of your place and you're not happy. Well, first of it wasn't on my birthday. It was the day after your birthday. It was a day after my birthday. So I was like, what is happening? Yeah, you know I'm not a birthday guy. I don't like doing anything for my birthday.

What the hell is happening? My birthday was yesterday. But the other thing is like, then you were like, I'm bringing you documents to sign. So I was like, okay, great, I'll get some business stuff to do. And so I was just like, where are the documents? I still had you sign the documents. Yeah, but it was just kind of like...

Do you know how this ended? Yeah. Him yelling at me on the podcast saying, that was for you. You did that for you. Yes. I got all of our friends down to Wigra's house for me. Guys, guys, we don't want to hear you just fight the whole podcast.

You're right. You know what? We don't need to be doing that. We've already seen what's happening here. I don't know what's going on with you too, but whatever it is, you need to fix it. Work it out. You need to squash it. Work it out.

You don't like to see you guys. guys fight all podcasts. It's true. What are you talking about? Well, we haven't been fighting at all. Oh, uh, what? This has been awkward sitting here watching you two duke it out the entire podcast. Watching the tension between you two. Hey, it's us that's been the issue? I've been uncomfortable this whole time, yeah. I have felt violated just by the energy in here. We came all the way here from the North Pole to do this. 25 hours southwest. And it's Christmas Eve. But you didn't take the sleigh? You threw.

Southwest in the North Pole. And it's Christmas Eve. We have points. Who the hell is taking care of all the... Jared? Yep. Jared's doing Christmas this year. Jesus Christ.

His one get out of jail free card, I guess, for the year. Remember that night at subway? Oh. If you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants, you email us at Feedbag at birdbuck.com. That's not the only foot long. 3-0.

You're going to see tonight. He stuffed me into the garlic bread. 4-6-3-6-8-4. To get the doughboys' our weekly bonus episode, plus our entire pre-2018 back catalog, subscribe to Patreon.com. You called it nachos. You freak.

Our producers, Emma Brink, associate producers, Amelia Marino. Our engineer is Casey Donagher, our video editor. It felt like a nacho. Is Mike Dorfman, our guest. I bet you did. I snapped you like a tortilla chip, did it. Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus.

I feel like maybe the, you know, it feels like you're going to patch things up. It feels like we're maybe at the year to get. Maybe you're right. Maybe we should. ring the bell together like old time's sake I'd really like that wow that's beautiful

that's enough I feel like an angel's getting its wings Santa Mrs. Claus anything you'd like to plug Christmas is obviously happening Keep an eye out for Christmas this year it's on the 25th Every time a bell rings a susser eats some wings you were plugging you were plugging christmas

keep an eye out this it's on the 25th again this year yeah yeah and i guess i'll plug christmas eve oh yeah that's right yeah oh a great question what do you like better christmas eve or christmas day i think christmas eve i think i might go christmas eve too i'm a christmas day guy but hey you can't have one without the other it's true they say anticip they say what people have, feel the biggest psychological effects of a vacation is an anticipation of it

happening. So I think maybe, it might be the sort of thing of like waiting for Christmas is perhaps even better than Christmas itself. But I do have to say Christmas Day. They're like, yes. For the way, Mrs. Claus, you look pretty stylish in your converse sneakers. Those are great. They're seasonally green. They are seasonally green.

Yeah. I've got my boots on. Thank you, Santa. Thank you, Mrs. Claus. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for having us. And thank you for all you do. for the people of earth thank you for spreading Christmas cheer

we love you thank you earth thanks you you're welcome you know times might feel tough right now and we might all sort of feel lost and going what's the future going to be like none of that matters yeah that's fair your pocketbooks may be a little strained

your rights a little bit violated but this Christmas cuddle up with the one you love Wow. And let them eat you out in a Ralph's parking lot. Speaking of which, I'm driving by a Ralphs and a El Pollo loco on the way home. Do you guys want to get dropped off?

I'd love to get dropped off. Yeah, thank you. Of course. Well. Can I get rid of that El Pollo Loco? I'll drop you off there. Okay, great. Wise, all we can say now is Merry Christmas to all.

And to all a good bite. Oh, ho, ho. Do, do, do. Do, do. Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sashir Zameda. And this is the podcast, Best Friends. And we're here at HeadGum.

So this is just a podcast where we just talk. Yeah. We're best friends. We talk. And then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries. So audience members can ask questions about friendship. and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes.

We are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, PocketCast, or wherever you get your podcast and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You are.

I'm really sorry. I felt the support. I was so, okay. I was trying to be supportive. Yeah. But I was like, well, know reading seems pretty hard right now it's a lot i think you did good thank you so much you're welcome that was a hate gum podcast