Doughboys - UNLOCKED! - It's a Wigerful Life: A Doughboys Holiday Special

Episode Date: December 24, 2020

Unlocked and free for all! It’s the 2019 Doughboys Holiday Special! This year It’s a Wigerful Life!Starring Nick Wiger, Mike Mitchell, Emma Erdbrink, Yusong Liu, Evan Susser, Jon Gabrus, Amir Blumenfeld, Paul Rust, Alana Johnston, Michael "Mookie" Blaiklock, and Matt Kowalick Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey y'all, it's Wyger. So each year on the Doughboys Double on Patreon, we assemble a bunch of our favorite guests and do a Christmas special that Mitch writes and he forces me to star in. So what you're about to hear is last year's Christmas special. If you like it, and why would you, but no judgment, you can hear this year's Christmas special, Wyg Hard, by subscribing at patreon.com slash Doughboys. Alright that's it. Happy Holidays and enjoy.

It's the 2019 Doughboys Holiday Special. It's a Wygerful life. Starring Nick Wyger, Emma Erdbrink, Yusong Lu, Evan Susser, John Gabris, Amirah Blumenfeld, Paul Rust, Alana Johnston, Michael Mookie Blakelock, me, Mike Mitchell, and introducing Matt Kuala. And by Mike the Spoon Man Mitchell, and Evan Susser, and edited by Emma Erdbrink. Well alright, that'll do for this episode of Doughboys. Until next time, for The Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell, I'm Nick Wyger.

Happy eating. Happy eating. See ya. Alright, another hilarious episode of Doughboys in the Can, and with that last recording, we got 30 hours of Doughboys all stacked up for the holiday season so I can take my three months of badical to Quincy. Someone needs to go drop off these audio files at Headcom. I can't do it because I'm observing Whetika.

Emma, let me guess, Whetika is like Hanukkah, but you smoke weed for eight days? From one single packed bowl. Wow. I can't do it either, guys. It's me, Susser. Hi, Susser. I can't do it either because I'm celebrating Hanukkah. Huh?

What? Whetika? Oh. Guys, I would, but I can't. There's a green tea convention downtown, and this year they're both doing hot and cold teas. Wow, you must be really excited, you saw it. Yeah, I am.

Sounds fun. Well, usually in this circumstance, I'd make Mitch do the menial work because I do think I'm better than him. It's true you do, but my schedule's full, Wyger. I'm playing Santa for Funny or Die, Call of Tumor, CISO, Huaha, Team Coco, UCBComedy.com, and a whole lot more. Oh, Monday must be busy. All the major online comedy players, and if I was free, I wouldn't do it for you, so

fuck you, Wyger. Fine, I'll do it myself. I have to do everything around here. Oh. Oh. Oh. What are you, are you making kububububum noises right now? Kind of sounds like a train, a choo-choo.

Yeah. Yeah, it does kind of sound like a train. All right, get the hell out of here, all right? All right, bye. Go just drop off the audio recording. Cool. Oh, just a short bus ride over to Head Gum. Here I am.

Oh, hey. Hey, everybody. Hey, Mars. Hey, Marty. Hey, Claire. Hi, Wags. Hey. Thanks for replying, Claire.

Oh, hey. Well, it's Gabriel's is here. Hey, John. Oh, I like how you say hi to me last, like we're not actually friends. These are fucking coworkers. Claire, Marty, Jeffrey, get lost. I want to talk to Weigar along. Weigar, I'm sorry.

I've just been listening to these fucking dorks talking about dad hats and fucking web videos for the last, like, 40 minutes. So glad an adult man showed up. How's it going, bud? I'm actually, I mean, I'm wearing one of the Head Gum dad hats now. You are wearing a Head Gum dad hat and a orange Adidas jumpsuit. So yes, I see, I see all that. You look great.

Thanks. You look great, too. Thanks, bud. Yeah. Are you getting ready for the holiday season? I'm heading back east. I know your podcasting partner leaves for nine to 10 weeks at a time. Yeah, he'll be gone for his sabbatical until Valentine's Day, but it won't be easy because

he has to go out with his mom. He has to take his mom out. Yeah. He takes her out for a big fried clam dinner. I like, yeah, I mean, I let's see, you know, I'm just staying locally. Natalie, I'll probably take her to islands. Oh, the fast casual burger chain? Yeah, I'll probably take her to islands.

So on your time off, you're going to take Natalie to a restaurant that you go to kind of like for work? Well, yeah, I mean, we go there any, I mean, that's like a weekly date for us. So I think it would be fun to do it again. Yeah, I guess it might as well do the weekly date over the special holiday season. I'm going to, I'm stopping in Vegas on the way out to see chain smokers. And then from there, we're going, I'm going into an SNL after, after, after party on Christmas Eve.

They have like, I'm going that with my, Sudakis is bringing me. Wow. And then I'll be out on the island and my, my mom got everyone Billy Joel tickets and like we're going to go like Billy Joel's playing a little show at his house and we're all going to his house and checking it out there. The piano man's house. The piano man's house. Yeah.

It's great. I, I'm just really stoked. It'll be good to see my family. I'm excited. I got a lot of big plans. Bring it home like fucking half an ounce of white widow. Wow. Yeah.

I haven't had that strain in a long time. So I'm pumped. Well, hey, speaking of Billy Joel, I'm going to be watching the first season of Top Chef hosted by his ex-wife before Padma got on there. Wait, Chrissy Brinkley hosts the first episode. No, it was his, his, he had a different, like her name was Katie Lee, Katie Lee Joel, but she went by Katie Lee professionally. I didn't know that.

I thought you were going with Top Chef because Tom Colicchio could, looks like a Billy Joel's cousin or something like that. They look related. Yeah. They're like doughy bald white guys. They look like Vader with no mask kind of. Right. Who's older?

That's a great question. My guess is Billy Joel, Billy Joel is a rough whatever age he is. Yeah. He could be 25 and just due to alcohol looks like that. Yeah. It looks nice and swallow. Yeah. He looks like a corpse in like a beach corpse.

Well, that's not, I mean, it sounds like you're doing lots of cool stuff. Yeah. Sounds like you're cool stuff too. Yeah. I don't know. Like it's, you're kind of depressed. This is fucked up to say, but you're kind of depressing me. Oh, why is that?

I don't know. It just seems like, I guess, I don't know. It's weird. I guess if you're from here, like there's not a, there's a hard way to delineate your holiday season. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, you know what's happening?

Rise of Skywalker is coming out. Oh yeah. I'm super excited. All the early reviews are coming in and people are saying it's a lot to process. Not sure if I enjoyed it, which is exactly what I want to hear about a movie. Right. So I'm pumped to see it. And one of my favorite things, and I wish more movies and TV shows did this, was just

like whip back and forth between different creative teams. Like that's so exciting to me. I just am very excited. It's, you know, cause it's like this exquisite corpse where JJ handed it off to Ryan Johnson and then Ryan Johnson's handing it back to JJ. And we're seeing what they're doing. It's like a relay race. Yeah.

It's like a $90 billion improv rehearsal. They keep being handed the baton and, and you know, we're going to see where it lands. Hopefully we finally get some answers of as to how Maz Kanata found that lightsaber. Yeah. And I'm supposed to go to a screening of Star Wars as well where a bunch of porn stars are in Slave Leia cosplay and you're, you could just eat whoever's pussy you want while you're there. Wow.

Yeah. I mean, my wife's already signed off on, I got a, I got a, I got a hall pass mouth only though. Oh, okay. Both mouths. So I can kiss, I can eat pussy and I can get blown, but I can't do any penetration. And I'm allowed to be panked. I shouldn't say no penetration.

I can be penetrated, but I can't do any and no finishing inside, even in their mouths. Got it. It's a huge thing for me. Right. Yeah. You got to finish in your hand or whatever. Yeah. Well, I have to finish in, in my wife's high heels.

She has this. Oh, so you're taking those with you. Yeah. And then I guess she wants me to do like a shoey, like chug it all out of the boot, like a shoot the boot. We call it rugby, but she, this is like, it's your own, it's your own calm. It's this one's my own. Usually it's just a beer and maybe spits in it as like a punishment, but this is going

to be a Salvatore Ferragamo high heel of my wife's shoe filled with my own calm that I'll drink for her. Wow. That's. Yeah. So I just have kind of like a, you know, normal low key laid back holiday season plant. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I was going to. Jack Allison has been texting me the spoilers or raise a Skywalker, so I was probably going to read those. Oh, that's, that's a, that's a big day. That's a big day. Yeah. Yeah. Does Jack have anything left to share over text or is every single thought that comes

in his brain on social media? Yeah, that's true. I guess what he's just been texting me links to is tweets. Yeah. Which is kind of not really personal, but you know, it's still nice to have communication. It's nice. Yeah. It's nice.

So yeah, it sounds like that'll be cool, man. Sounds like we're having pretty similar weeks. Yeah. Well, I guess I'm just going to drop the, oh, we're going. I'm sorry. I was just like, I'm on my way out, but I, I was just wondering, you know, you've been as we were talking, you've been just staring at this wall facing away from me this entire conversation.

So I was just, did I upset you or anything like that? No. You're impossible to gauge as I'm sure you've been told before. Well, yeah. I mean, I'm sorry. I like, I don't know where to direct my eyes or what to do with my face. So sometimes I just like, I just long on to something that I find similar to myself. Oh, okay.

So that's why you've been looking at this lamppost for that? Yeah. Just this, this stationary object. I feel like it was kind of like, I could, oh, this is like, I can relate to this energy. Oh. Yeah. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I'll, I'll try to improve on my eye contact.

You know what? New Year's resolution, improve my eye contact. I like, and you know what? You're doing it now and I have to say it's unsettling. I think I prefer you kind of facing away from me. Okay. I'm going to look over here. Yeah.

It's terrifying. And I just want to give you this gift. I got you. It's a Minions chain wallet. I thought you might, I thought you might like it because then, you know, it's hard to steal and also it's got Bob on it. Yeah. This is Bob or Kevin.

I can never tell. No, that's Bob. You're right. Oh, fuck. Yes. Bob's got the mismatched eyes. Right. And he's a little short and squat.

Kevin's the tall one. Who's also kind of the leader. Oh, Kevin's the leader. Yeah. But you know, just sort of a stretch, more of a stretched out form. In fact, he's like the taller one. Yeah. But they're both two eyes.

So you were pretty close. Oh, okay. Who's the one eye? The one eye is Stuart. I mean, there's a bunch of one eye, but like the main one is Stuart. The three main guys are Kev, Bob and Stu. Yeah. Those who are in the Minions movie.

Yeah. But you know, there's a bunch of peripheral Minions. Wow. They're just kind of a legion. This is, this is great. Thank you so much. This is going to be wonderful. I'll put my bus pass in here.

Oh, yeah. And I'll put this Canadian money I have. Great. I feel like I fucking bought my grandpa gift. Got you a tie organizer. All right. Yikes. This is, I got to get out of here.

I'm supposed to meet up with Adam Pally, Mindy Kaling, Ike Baronholz and sort of the whole the whole Christmas scene of the whole Mindy project gang. Oh, wow. That's so cool. Doing a reunion at the Paley Center. Well, that's not, that sounds fun. I mean, I have say hi to everyone for me. I mean, I don't know if anyone remembers me, but just say, you know, to say, if you know

here, he says hi. I'm just here to drop off the audio files for dough boys. I'm just going to put them in the drop box. You know, we have this physical drop box here. Yeah. There has got to be a more convenient way to do. You wrote the bus from Santa Monica to downtown LA. It must have been like fucking an hour and a half.

It was more like an hour 50. It's not so bad. But yeah, I'll drop these off and hey, maybe I should get some weed like you have a sticky icky holiday buddy. I can send you my ease promo code if you want to get stuff. I recommend some low THC or one to one CBD to THC pre-rolls might be good for you. So they're not super powerful and you can kind of drag on it and not get too, too late. That sounds like where my doctor said I have low T.

So that would probably be a good fit. My doctor said the same thing to me. Yeah. Well, and your doctor said the same thing to me about my doctor said to me that Nick Weiger has low T. Oh, I thought there was a medical confidential thing, but I guess it turns out we have the same doctor. And I felt like because when I got the prostate exam, I made apparently made the same noise

you made. My doctor was like, you sound like Nick Weiger. I was like, really? You made like kind of a, no, I guess he said I sound like Nick Weiger because when he put his finger in my ass went, I went, hi, Dr. Spar. Like at that volume, despite no one else talking at that volume, okay, I said, hi doctors. And I did say, hi, Dr. Spar, after I moaned a little bit, a little too loudly. Another thing I'm working on is modulating my voice and having it be at different volumes.

Hey, we're all working on ourselves. Nick, that's great. Well, I guess if this is more convenient for you to hand deliver a USB stick with your don't boys episodes on it right there. Yeah. I'll just leave these in this bin here and yeah, I'll see you later, buddy. Happy holidays. Hey, happy holidays.

I'll see you at the gym, bud. Bye. Huh, these are Doughboys episodes, are they? Maybe I'll just take them for myself. I have been thinking about doing a high and mighty Patreon and the cash grab is on. Everyone else is building these side businesses off of the Doughboys. It's about time I did. Yeah, I'm not going to do a convention in Burbank or a podcast with almost the same

name. I'm going to just do my own thing. Hey, Gavressons, Marty, are you talking to yourself? Get the fuck out of here. Why are your jeans so tapered? They just fit. Marty, what did I say about the rules when I come to head gum? You stay in the fucking bathroom until I leave.

Yes, sir. Get back in there. Head near the toilet. You don't have to put it in anymore. I can only wash my hands so many times, sir. Wash them again. Yes, sir. All right, Jeffrey, pull my car around.

My phone is ringing. I don't know. It's head gum. I better not answer it like I always do. Oh, they left a voicemail. Doughboys, hey, it's Amir from head gum. Where are the audio files? We need 20 episodes before the end of the year or you're in violation of your contract,

okay? Now, what that means, head gum now owns Walde and Irma, so re-record them if you have to, but get them to me now. Thank you. Bye. Oh, no. Amir is mad at me. I've made a mess of everything.

What should I do? Binge record 20 episodes with Mitch? Ugh. Or I could step in front of a choo-choo train like my great-great-grandfather before me. You know, that does seem way more appealing, but it might give a bad name to choo-choo's and I certainly don't want that. That's literally the only thing stopping me. Ultimately, I just wish I had never been born.

Boy, imagine that. Just being cum in my dad's big old dick, swimming around, bouncing off the walls, never having been born. Just living that hog life. Anyway, time to jump. Are you sure you want to do that? Yeah, I want to jump in front of this train. What's it to you?

Well, I work here at the train station here, yes, and you know, I would hate to see anyone kill themselves. Yeah, you're right. It would give a bad reputation to choo-choo's. I heard you say that. Oh, you listened to me that whole time. And I agreed. And it would also give a bad reputation to trains.

I guess I always thought of a choo-choo as a slang term for a train. No, there are two different things. A choo-choo. Uh-huh. It's like one that goes like chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-choo-choo. And then a train is more of like a... Oh, that was not what I was hearing in my head. I mean, you're the expert, so you know better than me, so...

Well, I know a lot. Yeah. I know a cosmic level amount of... I have a cosmic level amount of knowledge. Are you implying you're like an angel? Rig-a-dink-dink-baby. Yes, I'm your guardian angel. Wow, so you don't work at the train station after all.

I don't even know why I added that little bit of charade. I could have just stepped out and said, right, for the get-go, I was your angel. Well, if you just said you were an angel right from the get-go, I might have thought you were crazy. But you kind of like have settled my nerves a little bit, because you seem to have talked like a normal person. And look, the train is passing. No, I say I kept you from the... But you did.

I distracted you just enough. You did your job. Well, I guess you can go now. I mean, have a great rest of your day. I'll just wait for the next train. You don't, uh, you're not interested in meeting your guardian angel? Puerre Prince? Sorry, what was your name?

Puerre Prince. I don't know if I can do it with the buzz lips. I don't know if I can pronounce it. Puerre Prince? You're getting it. Except in the right part. One more time. Puerre Prince?

Just one more time. Puerre Prince? You got it, you got it. What kind of name is that? It's a Mad Magazine spoof version of Clarence. Oh, got it. Because this whole thing is kind of a Mad Magazine spoof version of it. It's a wonderful life.

Ring a ding ding, babe. Hey, you know, on that topic, were you in the Doe Boys Christmas Special a couple years ago? Like were you one of the... When we did, you remember the Ghost of Christmas Pass? Were you one of the ghosts? Yeah. From the... Yep.

Do you remember which one? Some fucking angel. Oh. I guess it's like some ghost. I'm sorry, some ghost. These stories, I guess they're pretty similar. Yeah, I mean, that's more on the people who wrote them than us. Yeah, it's not on us for parroting two similar things.

I mean, it's just, you know. Yeah. Although maybe, you know, the magic of these stories is the same magic that we experience with the birth of the Christ child. That's true. Fellow Christian? Yeah, I'm also Christian. I'm not.

Well, you call me fellow Christian. I meant to say you are a part of the fellowship of Christians, but I am Venusian. Wow, so as an angel, you must have personal experience with God and you are a Venusian. Yes. Is that your faith or are you from the planet Venus? I am from the planet Venus, but I am also part of the religion Venusian. You know, it's funny because I just say, and I'm not, you know, trying to categorize you, but from what I always heard that men are from Mars, women are from Venus.

Yeah, I mean, it's nice you're talking to me and not like one of my brothers because they just like punch you in the face. Oh, yeah, I mean, I mean, in an offensive way. I mean, my brothers like take it that like sort of stuff real perfect. John Gray. Yeah? The author of Midter for Mars, but is that? I think that's what I don't, I don't mean I don't know his name.

Yeah, I don't know for a bunch. I never even learned his name because I hate him so much. He started that. I'm just going to say it. A myth. Wow. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you as a Venusian. Well, you know, it's okay.

I died as a Venusian. Then I went up into heaven. Yes. Met God. So what are as an angel, like what are some of your superpowers? Well, I can if I focus, if I really focus, I can move objects in the in the real world. Do you mean like you mean like with your mind? Yes, and I can if I if I focus every fiber of my energy,

I can move, I can move a napkin. Like, I mean, I can move a napkin. That's not super impressive. Also, I can change it to any form. Oh, that's cool. Yes, like I could turn into a napkin floating above your head. I mean, it's impressive that you're now a big talking, floating napkin. But I mean, is there any that's sure that's cool.

You know what? That's cool. I can move napkins and I can turn into a napkin and I could turn you into something as well. I don't know if this is this might be too weird, but I guess I just I just have to see. Yes. Change my form, angel. Well, I can turn you into a TV. Just kidding. I'm also a little stinker. That's my greatest angel power, right?

That you're the blanks. I mean, I feel quite pranked. I'm just a big floating napkin now. It's very weird. One time I convinced George H.W. Bush for a week that he had diarrhea. Here's what I would. Can you change me back from a napkin? I just this is weird to have this conversation with napkin.

Can you change back to a person too? Like to a human form? Yeah. OK, great. I mean, we can change back to napkins later. I just feel like right now it's just like it's just distracting for me. And it's like way too silly. It's I mean, it's a little I wasn't going to say it's too silly, but it's kind of pushing it.

How silly. I wasn't going to say it's too silly, but I just, you know, it's better for us just to talk as humans. You know what? I feel like you want us to be napkins. No, I don't. I don't. Let's be napkins. I like that we weren't napkins.

OK, well, if you want to move any napkins while we're talking, that's fine. Maybe I'll do that. Maybe I'll just move some napkins and blow them above your head. I wanted to. Oh, I forgot what I was going to say. What was it about George H.W. Bush? Oh, George H.W. Bush. So here's what I was going to ask is that you tricked him into thinking he had diarrhea.

Was he just like for a week or a week? But was he just like sitting on the toilet? But like diarrhea wasn't coming out, but he thought he still had it. Yes. No diarrhea actually ever came out of his body. I messed with his brain. So he was just having, he felt like, oh, I got diarrhea. I got to go use the, I got to use a can and be like rushed in there.

Yeah. But then like. Excuse me, bye, bruh. I think I might, I think I might diarrhea right now. And then he would run down the hallway. Or I'd be laughing all along the way. And then I would sit propped upon his shower curtain. Watch him in agony.

And he's like, he's like, you think I'm going to have diarrhea? Oh, not going to do it because no diarrhea would come out. Yeah. Not going to do it. Yeah. He said to do it. Oh, like do do. Yeah.

I was just like. Well, he had a little fun with it, I guess. He was having a good time. We were all having a good time. I mean, it seems like a prank where everybody wins. Yeah. You know, by the end he was pushing out sand. Wait, I remember this because I remember this was on punked.

Yes. I remember him like it was like. Well, I would work through, I worked through punked. You worked through punked and I remember George HW Bush shitting sand out. Like it was like the, I think the first one was that they painted Justin Bieber's SUV pink. And he was like, what the hell? And then the second one was George HW Bush shitting out sand. And then the third one was Beyonce tried to put an ornament on a giant Christmas tree and it fell over.

Yes. There was conversations about who would get which prank. Right. We ultimately decided George HW Bush should be the one who shits sand. Yeah. Because I had that power. Right. I mean, that's, it just seems like a valuable asset if you're working on that production.

Don't tempt me. Well, I don't know if it gets rebooted. I mean, it's just might be a thing to look into. The punked? Yeah. Yes. I've been in conversations with the candid camera people. Hey, um, this, I mean, this may sound weird now, but I kind of, I kind of miss being a napkin.

Well, Zabba to tin, Zabba to plin. I shall change you into this. Oh, a napkin. Oh God. It's weird as you didn't say that the first time you did. Yeah, this is interesting. I guess just a little bit of pizzazz you added to the presentation this time. Yeah, I don't need to say it.

You don't need to say it, but it makes it more fun. Sometimes it's fun to add a very, um, tight rhyme. Yeah. Right beforehand. I got to say, you know, it's kind of nice floating around as a napkin. I mean, I don't feel like the weight of my own body. It's, you know, the wind can just kind of take me wherever. Yeah. I mean, I can change you into human form anytime you want to,

but if you'd prefer to stay at napkin also, I can, um, Hmm, I could take you anywhere you'd want to go any dimension anywhere and past our history or present. So are you, are you hearing my dishwasher? I didn't want to ask. I brought, I started a load of dishes before you. You got here at the, I mean, like I brought my, like it's at my apartment, which is very close to the train station.

So that's, I couldn't tell if that was a dishwasher, the millennium falcon, babe. Wait, so you're up in heaven. Have you met other angels? Like who else is an angel? Well, have you ever heard of the bad to the bone guy? Yes. George Thurowgood. George Thurowgood is an angel.

He's an angel. Well, that's awesome. Yeah. And sometimes he'll string his angel heart to be like a kind of a guitar, because guitars aren't allowed in heaven. Oh, wow. God is the ultimate dad. He doesn't allow loud rock and roll.

He's kind of like the dad at the beginning of the black and white song by Michael Jackson. I mean, George went. Yeah, but on the album, it's somebody different and it's makes it weird after you watch the video first. Oh, really? Yeah. They have that skit on the album? Yeah.

I guess I've only, like I can only think of it in terms of the video. But it's not McCully Culkin and it's not George Wendt. So they cast it with different actors? Yeah. That's really weird. Now, here's, here's what I wanted to ask about angel because you mentioned George Thurowgood. He, my understanding is that he was still alive.

But his career ain't. Oh boy. Who else is an angel? That Susan powder stopped the insanity woman. Oh, wow. And one of the backstreet boys. Just Eddie, if you're, if you're, if your career goes kaput, heaven, you go up.

That makes me, I mean, pre, pre, prince, that makes me wonder, what did you do in life that made you become an angel? Like, did you have some success at one point? Yes. I invented the hula hoop belt. I remember the hula, hula hoop belt trend. It was popular for a while.

It was really big in like 1991. That was like the it toy. Yeah. And then the operation Gulf storm came along. Yeah. And then everyone was just in the bubble tape and that was it. Yep. But I couldn't help but overhear you say earlier.

I wish I had never been beyond. I wish I had never been born. Yeah. I wish I'd never been born. That's an interesting prospect for a guardian angel like me to hear, boy. Feels like you're, that's leading somewhere. You know, even though I'm close to God, I still haven't earned my gills. So I have to do some good.

I have to convince you to love life again. Yeah. Because I was like, you said gills and I was expecting you to say wings. Because I guess that's just a thing where like what they, the way they portray angels in the movies is not reflect reality. So you want gills, not wings. Oh, I'm sorry. We call them gills, wings.

So what I know is wings are called gills in heaven. Yes, but they're also, they line my back and open and close it in order for me to breathe in addition to fly. Right. So they're like a dual purpose. Wing gills. Yeah, breathing apparatus slash flying mechanism. So wait.

So I guess I get what you call them gills. Think Palma Cartney meets creature from the Black Lagoon, babe. You know, you said you were an inventor of the hula hoop belt, and I think I know who you really are. Your weekend update host, Dennis Miller, aren't you? Yes. That's what you had a big, you were very big in the 90s, and then you kind of fell off, got very conservative.

I left SNL to start this hula hoop belt dream. Yeah. And I did a radio show once where I interviewed Mitch and he gave some disappointing information about his thoughts on sports. Yeah, you thought you were going to get like a real. That's what killed me. The Mitch interview, the legendary Mitch interview when he was promoting the birthday boys IFC show.

That's what put me out. I was finally like, I am done with this. After talking to that, what did I call him at the time? I think I called him a stupid, a real idiot. Yeah, I remember. He's still better. He still seethes about that. I'm still angry about it.

You could tell the way I just choked on real idiot because I'm so filled with rage. Well, I think that's part of it is because your comedy is so tightly written and your stand-up was so precise, but then in the moment, it's like you take a full minute to come up with a real idiot, and so it just doesn't quite match the cadence that you're known for from a weekend update. Well, what happens after you die is then you go up into heaven. Some of your veins are taken and it affects the oxygen that goes to your brain.

Not my main vein. Oh, no way, baby. Look, I think I have enough way of getting you to see the purpose of life. What if you had seen your life as if you never had been born? Hmm, yes. Would you like to go with me on this journey? Yes, parents. I would like nothing more.

Show me, prove to me that I will be making the right decision by throwing myself in front of this train. Show me what life was like. What life would be like if I'd never been born. Show me what life would be like if I'd never been born. I'll show you what life will be like when you're never been born. I'll show you what you've never been born. I'll show you what life will be like when you're never been born.

You'll show you what life will be like when you're never been born. Life would never be like when you're never been born. The train! The train! Whoa, I'm flying! Oh my goodness, I'm no longer a napkin. I'm back to human form. Where am I?

Wait, I recognize this place. It's the Hollywood sign, but it says Susserwood? Yes, instead of Hollywood, it now says Susserwood, of course. F and Susser. Why, he's the biggest producer on Hollywood now. He merged together Warner Brothers, Paramount, and the Deli Boys into the biggest production studio in Hollywood.

It's called Deli Brothers. But is he happy? So, but like the Paramount's not, it's not like Para Deli Brothers? No, but the pieces of meat are on top of three mountains. Oh, got it. As a reference to the Paramount Mountains. Oh, yeah, I see their logo now. That's cool.

That's a pretty cool logo. Wow, good for him. I gotta talk to him. Whoa, hey, there he is. Hey, Evan, Susser, over here. Hey kid, how are you? And I'm sorry, but you're nobody of mine. I don't think I've ever met you before, Evan Susser.

How are you? Hi, it's nice to meet you. Sorry, this is just so disorienting. I know you actually know you really well. You're a big part of my podcast, Doe Boys. Oh, your podcast. I never got involved in anything like that. In fact, getting involved with a podcast probably would have

prevented me from having a big Hollywood success that I have had. You see, I run this town. I don't know if you know, kid. I mean, I inferred a lot from the fact that the Hollywood side is how Susser would. That's a huge deal. That's just the beginning. I consolidated all the major studios under my deli brother's banner,

and we make all the movies. And guess what? Everyone's happy with the movies now. Really, they like them? Yeah, we just came out with the last of the Star Wars trilogy, and everyone likes it, even Jack Allison. You came out with a conclusion to the Star Wars trilogy that satisfies famous crank Jack Allison?

Yes. I mean, but there's no way you salvaged Watchmen to make Jack Allison like it. He's the... He hosts the After Podcast, and it's positive. He hosts Watching Watchmen? Yes. Wow, and he loves the show.

And he loves it. So it seems like... So does Alan Moore. Alan Moore? Yeah. The recluse who doesn't watch any of his own adaptations? He actually has come around with his Watchmen? Yes, but no one was mean about it to him.

They just were like, it's good, and he liked it. And this is all because of you. This is because you brought all these things under your banner. Well, I don't want to take all the credit, but when everyone's throwing it at me, I'll take it. Let me ask you this. Disney was a big player in the... I mean, Earth...

My version of Earth. Do you own Disney now? Yes. I'm just going to ask this because I just, you know... And I don't know what the... I don't know what answer I want to hear, but I think I know what the answer is going to be. Is Disneyland now Susserland?

Well, I can say this much. Disney World is Susserworld. And Disneyland is also Susserland. And Epcot Center is Evan Center? And Epcot Center is Evan Center. Wow. And it's a small world. It's a big world.

Hey, hey. Oh, sorry. This is my sniveling executive. Hey, how you doing? Who works for me? Hey, you shouldn't be roasting the boss, man. He's not going to... No, no, no.

It's okay. In Susserwood, there is no sort of toxic relationship with the powerful and the less powerful. Oh, wow. I fully embraced payup Hollywood, and everyone gets paid up. My assistant, he makes double what I make. His assistant makes double what he makes.

That's right. Wow, a reverse hierarchy in terms of pay. Yes. Jack Allison's a showrunner now. But he's making very little. He's making very little, yes. We've fixed all the problems of Hollywood. And everyone's happy.

Yes. This is incredible. Even my sniveling assistant. And it's all due to me not existing. Huh? It doesn't make sense to us. Yeah, what do you mean? Well, I mean, I'm not alive in this reality,

which I'll call Earth Prime. I'm not alive in Earth Prime. Earth Prime. And so I was... Do you know I actually knew Evan Susser when he was coming up? Wow. When he was on a mod team?

Remember when you put all that money into UCB classes? UCB? Oh. And then you had that sketch group that you had to... Were you like... You all pulled your cash to pay me to direct it? Did that happen in this reality? No, no, no.

UCB is a beloved theater institution, much like Shakespeare's Globe, where everyone is paid fairly and everyone has only positive feelings to say about it. Wait, the performers and writers are paid instead of being compelled to pay their own coaches? That's right. That's well paid.

Wow. Yes. It's successful and not going to go out of business. What does Matt Besser think of all this? He's too busy. He's too busy to be involved with UCB? But he's Mr. UCB. He's the B in UCB.

Well, not anymore. He's Mr. B-O-N-D. Mr. Bond. Yep. Besser is... Wait a minute. I see that big... The billboard up there,

with Daniel Craig's face is replaced with Besser's face. That's right. He looks great in a tux. Do you want to see a clip from the new movie? I'd love to. All right. My assistant's just going to press play, and then you'll hear it from the direction of my assistant.

And he'll... The video will play of Matt Besser as James Bond. Cue it up, assistant. Here we go. Well, Mr. Bond, it seems you've fallen into my trap. Once again, the cat gets his prey. Oh no.

My arms are strapped to a table. I can't get out of this trap. Now there's a laser beam coming towards my crotch. Just a little taste. That's a... I mean, it's very good. My name is Bond, Matt Bond. Oh, there's more.

There's more to the clip. Yes, I changed his name to from James Bond to Matt Bond, and that earned me another bill at the box office. Boy, I bet people were skeptical of that at first, but once they saw it, they were like, oh, this is undeniably the right choice. Exactly. It's like answering Ray's parentage,

and the rise of Skywalker. It's like people were like, wait a minute. Why is it Skywalker? What are you talking about? Is that not what the conclusion of the Disney Star Wars trilogy? I mean, I'm sorry, the Susser Star Wars trilogy is? No, of course not.

It's Return, Return of the Jedi, and people like that much better. Better than Return of the Jedi. No, Return, Return of the Jedi. Oh, got it. But they like Return, Return of the Jedi better than the original Return of the Jedi. Or any other version of a movie

that would have come out in another reality. So you guys at least understand what I'm saying about being from a different reality. You came from a different reality. Yeah, that is strange to us. Well, I feel like Susser's big brain is processing it. Yeah, in fact, my- You may be struggling a little bit with the conceptually.

My question to you is, do you got any movie ideas? I mean, you're here on a movie lot. You have anything- I would love to hear them. I love just saying yes to movies. And I'll tell you a reality. What was your job back on Earth Prime? It's funny you asked that.

I was actually, in addition to being a podcaster, as a TV writer. Wait, wait, wait. In your reality, people have to have multiple jobs? Yeah, I mean, it's kind of a, you know, you have dry spells and TV work, so you nice to have some podcasts. All right, anyway, go ahead.

I was gonna say, okay, ideas, oh boy, I'm so nervous. Let's see. Hey, don't worry. My boss is receptive to almost any idea. He can make anything a blockbuster. It's true. I've even taken several pitches

from my sniveling assistant to made them into hits. Wow. Okay, well, here goes nothing, I guess. You know how they make like Lego, like Batman? Like they did- Sure, we do those in this reality. I think it'd be fun if you did like Minion Indiana Jones.

Like you used the Minions to do an Indiana Jones movie. What else you got? Okay, I mean, that's just one idea. You know, the Harlem Globetrotters? That's an idea, the Harlem Globetrotters. Okay, what do we got? What do we got? So like the Harlem Globetrotters-

Sure, sure, sure. They're in a plane crash, and then it's like a lie. When I get excited, I sound like my sniveling assistant that may be a little anti-Semitic. Anyway, go on. And then it's like- Like the planet's alive? I'm Catholic.

No, it's like the- wait, you're Catholic? I'm Catholic, I just want that to be clear. Oh, okay, so you're not an anti-Semitic caricature? No. Okay. I think, but yeah, then you crash, and it's like the movie Alive, where they have to like survive. They have the Globetrotters have to eat each other.

So they don't do anything with the basketballs? No, I think that's like- Also, there is another issue with that idea. Yeah. It sucks, shit. It sucks, shit. Okay. What other idea?

One more, one more, okay. Do you know how there's that guy JJ Abrams? No. Oh, yeah. You don't know of JJ Abrams? No, who's that? He directed the- well, I guess he didn't direct Return of the Jedi, but in our reality, he directed two of the three Star Wars movies.

No, they've all been directed by George Lucas in this reality. Wow, Lucas continuing his own trilogy. That sounds awesome. I'd love to see those movies. Yeah, I don't- I mean, I guess that kills this idea. Well, let's hear it anyway. I was going to say a movie where JJ Abrams is the star. Yeah, then I guess that is confusing.

Yeah. You know what, kid? Get the fuck off my life. All right, just put the gun down. Jesus Christ. Cause guns do exist in this reality. Oh god, he kicked the fuck out of here. He's gonna stand his ground.

I gotta get out of here. Wow, I really should never have been born. Hollywood, I mean, Susserwood is so much better than it ever was. Yeah, it's pretty great here, and I mean, like, I knew Susser. Like we like came up together. Yeah, I knew him too. So this is just like mind-blowing for me. Yeah, I can imagine.

I mean, yeah, you've seen witness the whole arc in your reality. But me, I just know the other Susser. Yes. You know, it took a lot to change the letters of that sign. When he bought it out, when he bought out the Hollywood sign. Yeah, I mean, I imagine it was, you know, a process, but H-O-L-L-Y. They had to add an extra letter, S-U-S-S-E-R. So they had to like probably change it a little bit.

But it's been helpful. I mean, from a certain perspective, you know, in the Hollywood hills, there was a real snake problem. Yeah. But now that they've seen those big S's up there, it scared the ball away. They were like, Sssss. They were like, oh, this is another snake, a big snake. Three big snakes are here, we better.

Yeah, we better get out of here. We better hit the road. Isn't it ironic that snakes are one of man's biggest fears? But there's nothing a snake fears more than himself. It is, yes. And that's the easiest way to get rid of a snake is to hold up a mirror. Yeah, they see a mirror, they'll get out of there. Yeah.

I heard that's what St. Patrick did in Ireland. That's how he got rid of all those snakes? Yeah, he saw a Smurfs episode and was like, that guy Vanity always looking at a mirror. And he was like, oh, I want to see, can I make like a, he was trying to make like a snake Smurfs. And so he gave one of, he gave what, he's like just shooting his own pilot. Yeah, he's self-funding, but he's like figured like he'd make it and then, you know, but if it's show it to some people. And so he got a, one of the, he was like going to have like a Vanity snake.

He was basically just taking the same concept. And so he gave a hand mirror to one of the snakes and he coiled around it. And then he saw it and he got scared and went away. And he was like, wait, I can get all the snakes out of Ireland this way. Once again, the Irish and the Smurfs have helped with our snake problem. That's true. I mean, I can count on 10 hands how many times they've helped us out. 10 hands?

I am fiducian. I can't process this. We gotta go. Okay, hold on tight. Away we go. Hey man, why do I have to ride you? To get to where we're going, of course, to the next time period. Yeah. I mean, I just feel like you're just transporting me through time. Like I don't know if I need to like be getting a piggyback ride from you. No, it's true. You have to.

And if you ask any other angel and they say you don't, they're lying. Okay. Well, can I ask George Thurowgood? No. All right. I think if you did, that'd be a bad idea. All right. Fair enough. Well, let's just go. Let's see what this next place is. Wait, where is this? Oh, I know this place. This is my old house in Santa Monica.

Yes. I finally know someone whose life would be worse without you. You're a lovely wife, Natalie. Oh, shit. Oh, man. Now she's married to a super hunk. Oh, she got married to a super hunk and she seems way happier. I goofed this one. Well, this I got to see for myself. Let me go knock on the door. And wait, what's this little, this doormat? It says prepare to be hugged. Do they have a lot of visitors here? I'm going to knock on the door. Hello?

Hello, coming in hot for a hug. Yummy, yummy, yummy. Hello. Hi, sweetie. It's me. I'm sorry. It's waggy. Oh, and I'm Natalie. This is fun. Do you not recognize your own husband?

My husband's in this study and I recognize him from being in this study. You have a study? Yes, it's where we go in and we study the papers in the house. Wait a minute. Is it the one that the second bedroom, the one with the attached bath? Yes, we also study in the bath. But how did you know? Wait, this is where I used to live and that wasn't my study. That was my man cave. Oh, you made my man cave a study?

Well, men are occasionally in there. Yes. So I guess it's a bit of a man study. Please come on in, but stay in the foyer. Don't tell me you took down my poster of Jason Alexander. No, that remains. Oh, that's cool. Yes, we had it bronzed. Please come in, stand in the foyer. Can I offer you a complimentary beverage of water?

Yeah, you got anything to... Water. Oh, yeah, I guess I'll take a water. Okay. And let me just quickly call to my husband. I just have to let him know I'm giving out some water. Honey. Yeah, what's up, hon? Honey, there's a man here. I didn't catch your name. Waigie, was it?

Yeah, it was why Nick Weigar. Nick Weigar. Waigie. Are we going with the Waigie? Honey, there's a man here. It's Mick Weigie and I'm giving him some water. Would you want anything while in your study or are you okay? Oh, no, I'm having fun here in the study. Hey, how you doing? Nice to meet you, John Hamm.

Whoa, you're married to John Hamm? Did I not mention that? He's a hunk and a celebrity. And he owns ties. Wow, you look... You dress like you do on Mad Men. Mm-hmm. Isn't he fantastic?

And let me tell you this. He's got a couple of dicks all up in my pussy. Just the one. We have fun in this house. Oh, honey. John Hamm. I only refer to him as his first and last name. Well, that was so bawdy and ribald,

but I guess that's your sense of humor. And I'm the man with the golden hog. He's talking about his penis and our pet hog. Yeah, you can really see the outline in those slim fit pants. Oh, we love a slim fit. It's like you're smuggling a churro into the arc light. Mm, delicious. So again, Waigie, I'm going to get you some water.

But honey, he used to live here, apparently. Oh, strange. Yeah, this was my... Well, Mr. Hamm, I didn't just live here. I was married to your wife. The fuck is this shit? The fuck is this shit? Calm down, calm down.

I'll fucking knock your teeth out. I'm getting riled up. I have teeth. Let go of my... Let go of my collar, Mr. Hamm. Give me this collar. No, do you don't... Natalie, please do not grab my...

Give me this collar. Natalie, let go. That's Natalie Hamm to you. Wait, you didn't take my last name? Why would I take a stranger's last name? In my reality... Natalie Waigie? No, in my reality, I married Natalie, you, but she kept her name.

She didn't want the stench of Waigie on her. I'm sorry. We're married. Sir, I don't want to be rude, but you look like a cardboard cutout. You're stale. You're emoting nothing. You don't make any facial expressions. And for God's sakes, you're holding a bag from the 99 cent store.

When you know they have items over a dollar, what kind of a man is that to marry? I mean, the 99 cent store, especially for produce, it's pretty good, because that stuff's just gonna... You know, it's a few days old, but they price it to move. It's true. You don't want to waste it. Look, you want to get some bananas, some avocados or something.

The 99 cent store is pretty good. A deal's a deal. You can never be with my wife. You're not emotionally open. Yeah. And do you even like video games and talking about them and food and talking about it and being quiet? Yeah.

All these things are things about me. I don't know. I don't think so. That's more of a John Hamm thing. Yes, that's what I'm known for. You like video games and fast food and being quiet? I host a video game podcast in this reality. It's called Gaming This You're Out of Your Mind.

Wow, this is so weird. It's like... I mean, I'll just say that it seems like your life is better, Natalie, but John Hamm's life is way worse than in my reality. Excuse me? I'll just say you're like a huge actor with like a... YG, I believe you've overstayed your welcome. Yeah, my friend Mitch is coming over.

The only guy who rivals me in hog size. He's okay. He's a bigger actor than I am. I don't know how big his hog is. I mean, I have seen it on text message without asking, but I'm not sure how big it is in terms of dimension. Wait, so Mitch, Mike Mitchell, my co-host from Doe Boys? Co-host, what are you talking about?

Co-host. He doesn't do any radio bullshit. Yeah, more like most hosts in terms of parties. Wait, so he is a huge actor? Yes. Like not physically huge, but like a big star? Physically huge as well. Oh, he's also very...

He's also still a very large man. It's all muscle. Yes. Wait, he's just jacked? He is jacked. With a fucking big pipe? Yes. Yeah, man.

How did that... Wait, how did me... Like, I kind of get him getting into the shape and getting his act together because he's not burdened with a podcast, but how did me not being alive mean he has a bigger hog? I don't know. Maybe because you weren't holding him back

so his dick wasn't shrinking. Shrinking and disgust of you and your bad attitude. You know what, good show. Yeah, maybe you put a spell on his dick and made it small. You little witch. There's no magic in my reality. I don't know what's going on. What Harry Potter shit you guys are dealing with.

There's also no me in your reality, but you seem to be telling tales out of school that there is. I gotta say this whole... Also, the thing that we like Mitch the most for is that Natalie and I swing with him. And I like to watch. Oh, God. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm all up in that dick and he's in mine. Couple of dick trade off, yeah. And here's another thing about when we have sex. You better believe John Hamm puts the ham in my butt. We're talking delicious Black Force ham. That's right. And then guess who nibbles it right out of there?

Old boy Mitch. It's like one of those sushi when the woman lays down and there's sushi on her. It's like that, but with ham and only on her butt. And rice for dessert. God, even though you're a different person, I just can't. I'm just so disturbed by the thought of someone else eating ham

out of your asshole. Protein's protein. Get a life. Yes. I gotta say this whole interaction really reminds me of like a movie or something, like everything that's happened to me so far. Hmm.

Very good. Very good pitch. We need to get, we're going to go into the other room and we love to sing at the piano together. Love pianos. I know what it is. It's a Bundy full life. From Married with Children?

Yeah. That Married with Children episode where it was like, it's a wonderful life parody like this. Yeah. Except the idea was that everyone would be better off of Al Bundy and everybody. You know what Sam Kinnison played the angel? Well, here's the thing.

I just met you and I know I'm better off without you. Look, I just want to say that like maybe when this was all written life itself, that God hadn't like forgot about it's a wonderful life. Oh, okay. Does that make sense? Yeah. Maybe that maybe whoever came up with this grand plan

had put the, it's a Bundy full life like it slipped, slipped off their radar or they just never seen it. Do you know what it reminds me of more? The Doe Boys holiday special one. Doe Boys exists in this reality. Wait, do you, and you host it? Emmy nominated. Yes.

Emmy nominated it's a TV show. Well, apparently a woman by the name of The Knife that was on last year was quietly taping the recording and submitted it for the Emmys and they were nominated. Wow. The Knife host Doe Boys. Yeah. Oh, that would be a better show.

I think so and I think the public thinks so and if they do, they should tweet in. Well, that's all we know. There is no other Doe Boys. It is just The Knife. Doe Boys hosted by The Knife. Yeah. You don't have a concept of what the real Doe Boys is like.

Well, I mean, to get, I can tell you what the real Doe Boys in my reality is I'm the host along with Mitch, except he's out of shape and he has a small dick. That doesn't sound like Mitch. There's nothing small about him. Yes. Yeah. This is, that's crazy.

You know what? You get off my property. No one insults Mitch like that. Okay. Sorry, Mr. Ham. I look up to him. Yeah. Do you want a lemon bar to go?

Yeah. I'll get it. Don't sass me. Okay. Here's your lemon bar to go. All right. Thanks, Natalie. I'm going to need that Pyrex Tupperware back.

So how long do you think it's going to take until you eat the bar and return it? Well, I mean, I could just eat the bar now and the stew. In the house? Well, I could step outside and eat it. Yes. Yes, please, at once. Okay.

It's raining, too. John, is it me or should we have a baby? I'll not agree. This man made me realize we need better people in this world. You mean right now as he eats that lemon bar outside? Of course I do. That way you can jizz in the Pyrex with all the leftovers in case we want another baby after this one.

That's a lot even for me. Yeah, I love you, my lovely wife. Thank you. Hi, I'm Natalie. Here's your Pyrex. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

Bye. I can't bear anymore. Take me away. Take me away from here right this instant. Hold on tight. Hold on tight. Get your kneecap into my back. Tuck my ear.

Nope, tug my ear. Okay, I'm tugging it. Thanks. Dude, did you fucking nut? Did I what? Did you fucking nut? What's that even mean? I don't know.

I think you nutted. Come from a different time, a different period. I don't know this slang term nut. Hey buddy, my man nutted. Look, I did it. That's nasty. Get low to that. This guy nutted.

That's gross. Look, it was something unrelated. I remembered an old porn I watched. You specifically asked me to put my knee in your back and then tug on your ear and then you reacted to that with me writing on your back. If you say so. Hey man.

You're so weird, man. I mean, whatever. Hey, what was the old porno you were remembering? That was a guy writing an angel's back and digging his kneecap into his lower back, tugging on his ear. All right, well that's pretty one-to-one ear. Oh look, it's Eddie's bar.

I used to drink here all the time. Let's go see inside. Heads up, it's not Eddie Pepitone. Don't get your hopes up. Oh wow, Eddie's bar. I used to hang out here all the time. Wait a minute, this place is usually packed. What happened?

Oh hey, hey, there's Eddie the bartender. I'm gonna go talk to him. Hey Eddie, hey. Hey, how's it going? It's me, Nick Weiger. Who? How do you know my name? I was your best customer.

I am your best customer. I've never seen you before in my life. Huh, it's weird because this place is usually so busy. There's so many customers here. I'm usually off in the corner by myself with a whole bottle of Pinot Noir. I don't know what you're talking about. This place hasn't been busy

and well since I opened it. Wow, it seems like you're just barely hanging on though. The back bar is pretty threadbare. You're very intuitive, stranger. You know, hold on, I'll talk now. You know when I opened this place and I appreciate you asking me what was wrong. Yeah.

I thought I'd be successful. I thought I'd have some poor, overworked, depressed schmuck. It would come in here every day after doing his shitty job and just order drink after drink, complain to me and keep me in business. Keep me afloat, but that never happened. I get a semi-steady stream of just normal, well-adjusted people who just want a gin and tonic

and then to go home. Wow, so you don't have a regular customer who orders a bottle of wine and a straw and drinks it direct and then tells you his fan theories about the Donkey Kong universe? That's the dream, but no. No. But this seems like you must be on really dire financial straits,

then, huh? I mean, it seems like your life is much worse because I'm not here to support Eddie's bar. Well, financially, yes, and honestly, I don't know how much time we have left to keep the bar open, but I gotta say the time I've spent away from the bar, because I haven't spent a lot of time here lately. Yes.

Things at home have been really great. I actually had more time to spend with my wife and my kids. My marriage was about to end, but it saved my marriage, honestly. More time to come home, be with her, listen to her. You know what? I'm going back to school. Wow.

I'm gonna be a veterinarian like I always wanted to be. Oh, my goodness. I always wanted to open a bar and then at the same time, parallel to that thought, I also wanted to be a veterinarian. The bar thing didn't work out, so I'm going to veterinary school. This is a lot to hear because alternate universe, Eddie. Eddie Prime, if you will.

I don't know what you're talking about. This is my reality. Okay. Well, the Eddie that I know who knows who I am, who knows my regular order of... Okay. Where are you from? A different time.

It's kind of like term... It's not like terminator. Terminator is the wrong point of reference. It's kind of like... It kind of is like terminator, I guess. It's kind of like terminator. Are you going to order something? I just wanted to say this.

Alternate universe, Eddie, his wife left him and his son killed himself, put a bag over his head. Wow. Tied a rope around the bag asphyxiated. Wow. They found him. He was naked. And so, they thought it was a better lie than to tell everyone

the truth that he committed suicide. They said it was autoerotic asphyxiation, but it wasn't. Wow. Kind of like DJ Soprano from that show, The Sopranos. The show from this reality. Wait, The Sopranos? The Sopranos, you ask? The Sopranos?

Listen to what I'm saying. Well, it's just weird. There's AJ Soprano from The Sopranos. I don't know what that is. Whoa, The Sopranos? Is that from your other timeline? I don't know. Yeah, that's from my other timeline.

It's created by David Chase, stars James Gandolfini. Look, at this point, I'm not allowed to serve drunk people, okay? I'm not drunk. I'm completely sober. That's why I'm so pissed off. Hey, why don't you go across the street sober up? There's a new burger joint.

It used to be a Del Taco, but it closed. The Del Taco closed? Yeah. Oh my god, it's one of those artisan burger joints. Yeah, they're actually doing great. They were just on diners, drive-ins, and dives. Oh, so that shows the same. The host is Guy Fieri?

The same as what? In my universe, because The Sopranos is different. Do you want to go get a burger or not? I mean, if it's Guy Fieri approved, I kind of am interested. But that sucks about the Del Taco. He used to go to the Del Taco every time I finished. I stayed till last call here. They just didn't get enough customers.

They had to shut down. In fact, the guy who owned it, the franchise owner? Yeah. He DJ Soprano'd himself, too. Oh my god. He put a bag over his head? Yeah, he DJ Soprano'd himself. Oh my goodness.

He tied up, he put a bag over his head and tied a rope around it and put a cinder block on it and sank to the bottom of a pool. Oh my god, that's so grim. Yeah, it was actually good. He was terrorizing this town. He was a, he would go around and flash people. He was a flasher? Yeah.

Just like showing people his hog? Yeah, showing people his hog, his naked body. He'd walk around with a big trench coat and flash. He was a menace to this town, but they never actually caught him in the act. The cops never saw him. And he finally killed himself because his Del Taco went under. And this town was rid of a great evil. It was actually one of the best things that ever happened.

Do you have any like surveillance photos of him doing this? Or did you get like the camera you got up? Like I said, if they had surveillance photos, they would have caught him earlier. But does anyone, did you like, did you ever see it? Like, did you ever see what he's packing? Yeah, he flashed me a couple of times. You want a description? Yeah, what is it?

Yeah, what was he like, cut? Was he uncut? You're going to have to buy a drink. All right, give me a bottle of wine. Bottle of wine? Yeah. Okay. There you go.

Okay. I didn't specify what type of wine I realized. That was like in a Western when someone just ordered me. That's all I have. Okay. You got one type of wine. So it was average length, I'd say. You know, it's hard to tell in a real quick flash, cut or uncut,

but I would probably given the length, I didn't quite see a full head. So I would say uncut. Oh, wow. So he's uncircumstance. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't seem like somebody whose parents would have gone through the effort. Right.

Well, I don't think he was originally born in the U.S. So that was like overseas. It's like a different, the medical circumcision is a lot rarer there. Okay. And so you're saying like average length? Average length, yeah. I was definitely flaccid. Did you like groom his pubes at all?

No, no, big, big, big old bush. Oh, I'm not into that. You know, that happens to a lot of chain owners that they have, they're in bad financial shape and they contemplate or actually do suicide because they just can't afford the franchise fees. Good thing I wasn't successful enough to franchise this bar. Yeah, I guess, I guess it is. I did have dreams of being the first chain bar owner.

You wanted to be the first, I mean, there are chain bars. I maybe not in this universe. Maybe that's the thing. Maybe there is their TGI Fridays in this universe. What is Friday even? There's no Friday? No, we have Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Thursday and Monday.

Wait, there's only five? There's two Mondays. There's two Mondays and there's only five days of the week? And that's all because I was never born? It's normal to me. Let me ask you this. Was there a pair? Was there a much parodied song by an artist named Rebecca Black

called Friday that came out? Friday, Friday. I don't like music. Okay. So that's why I guess that's that. I mean, you maybe don't know, you just wouldn't know because you don't follow music, but. Yeah.

Okay. So that's like a non-answer. I don't know for sure. I'm guessing that song probably doesn't exist because you don't have a concept of Friday. Again, I don't have a concept of something that doesn't exist. I just want to say this, Eddie. I think it's great that you're pursuing your dream of being

a veterinarian because Eddie in my universe, the way he gets his kicks is he shoots animals. Yeah, he's got like a BB gun and he goes out back and he like shoots possums and. That's unfortunate. Squirrels. Yeah. Yeah.

I think it's a real lot of fun, but I think it's probably him just parsing the grief from his son's suicide and his wife leaving him. Yeah, that doesn't sound like me. I fuck animals. Oh, man, maybe he shouldn't be a veterinarian then. He was just giving you access to wounded animals to fuck. Exactly.

Oh my God, you're a fucking freak. Hey, get out of my bar. Piece of shit. I don't want to be here with some fucking weird animal fucker. Well, then leave. You know, if you're going to take a. You've overstayed your welcome. Get out.

Cat gets hit by a car. You're going to fuck it? What's the matter with you? No, I'm going to bring it to the doctor for. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. Get the hell out of here, you jerk. I'm fine. I want to leave.

I'm going to go to that artist and burger joint across the street. Oh, they have a Monday special. What can I get you? Wait, Eddie, you work here too? Hey. I'm Freddie. Eddie's twin brother. Well, I didn't know that in my universe, Freddie killed himself.

Huh? In my where I'm from. Boy, I have to explain this whole thing to you again now. Look, I'm just going to go. Good luck to you and Eddie and on your, I guess, I hope he does. While in veterinary school, what are you going to do? Any that you have a dream you're pursuing? This is my dream to open this burger joint.

Okay. Well, then I hope you thrive. If you're going to come back, we're closed on second Monday. Okay. So I'll keep that in mind. Second Monday, it's closed. All right. Well, Freddie, how'd a great time?

Great catching up with you. Take care. I'm going to go. I guess I'm going to go. I guess I'm going to go. Okay. Oh, Eddie's bar sucks now and the Del Taco is gone. Show me something else, Angel.

Yes. Yes. Yes. And Krasinski Rudolph. No. And Sam Mendy's collaborating with John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph. Wait, this looks familiar. Where are we?

We're at your old podcast partner, Mitch's house on Palmerston. Wow, it's so nice now. Yes. And the street, we just narrowly missed it. It almost wasn't called Palmerston in this reality. What was it called? Palmerstun. That would have been a real mindfuck.

I'm glad we just, it's still Palmerston because I probably would not have been able to process. Can you imagine it would have been toon? It would have been a toon version of Palmerstun. I imagine. Yeah, probably like toon, like cool world. Yes. Who would have been here and been like cool world. And I would.

Maybe that would have been so bad. It might have been nice. It might have been cool. About Palmerston being like a cool world. Oh my God, I wish Palmerston was like a cool world. Can you change it to Palmerstun? No. Oh, your powers don't let you do that?

No. Believe me, if I could turn our regular boring ugly planet to cool world, I would. Hollywood. Well, it's Palmerston all right, but it's so different. It's pristine and huge. It's a mansion. You know what? I'm going to ring the doorbell.

Ding dong. Hello? Hey, what's up? It's me, Weiger. Why? Who's Weiger? Little Weig's the burger boy. Little Weig's the burger boy.

And how come you stood outside my door and said ding dong? Well, yeah, I thought that the doorbell, like I pressed the doorbell and it didn't make a sound, so I just said ding dong aloud. Oh, strange. Yeah. That's the doorbell doesn't work. Yeah. I mean, the place looks like it's in great shape, but I guess that needs to be fixed.

You know what? Actually, this is the one thing in common with Palmerston in my reality. In your reality? Yeah. I'm from, I'm sorry. I feel like I've explained this like six times already to different people. So I'm just, I know that this is you getting new information, but for me, it's kind of starting to get a little tiresome.

But yeah, I was from, I wish I'd never been born and an angel took me on a journey to a different dimension, an alternate timeline. I'll, you know, like Benedict Cumberbatch in Avengers when he like sees all the different timelines. He's like taking me on one of those. And so like this is different from my reality. So I'll call this like Earth Prime. Earth Prime is different in that you are apparently extremely successful and in fantastic shape.

Well, thank you. You're fucking jack, dude. Yeah, thanks, man. Jesus. I was just working out a second ago. It's done an ounce of fat on you. You're like a white Terry Crews. That's right.

I can make my muscles dance too. Like Terry Crews does. Hey, that's a check. Check it out. I like it. It's funny. Yeah, you're really giggling. Yeah, that's good.

It's good. Look at those pecs amounts. Anyways, I'm working out as you can see. I'm in my under armor. And yeah, Brady's own. Boy, I gotta, I know this is maybe weird to say because you clearly don't know who I am, but you gotta fucking pipe downstairs. Oh, I know.

Sorry, it's a little cold outside. So maybe it's a little bit shrinkage. This is you with shrinkage? Uh-huh. It's like a roll of Christmas wrapping paper. Merry Christmas, baby. Hey, Jesus. Oh, easy, buddy.

No peeking. Hey, I know that from my reality. Your mom says it. What the hell are you talking about? Your mom, let me guess. My mom doesn't say weird shit like that to me here. Let me guess. She's the president or something?

Mm-hmm. She is the president? Madam, mama. Your mom's the president like in Death Stranding? Yes, that's right. Wow. Well, like, I mean, Mitch, this is all a lot to process. It's just...

Mitch. Yeah, Mitch, that's your name. Mitch and Weiger, the dough boys. No one calls me Mitch. Well, what do you go by? Mike Johansson, a married to my wife, Scarlett. You're married to the actress Scarlett Johansson, Black Widow, herself?

That's right, yes. What about Colin Joest? Colin Joest, who's that? He's host Weekend Update with Michael Che. Weekend Update? Everyone knows Weekend Update's hosted by Matt Kualik. Really? Matt Kualik?

Mm-hmm. I mean, he'd be great at it. I just, I can't, this is so crazy to think about. That's right. In this reality, now I know about these realities, Matt Kualik hosts Weekend Update. That's not normal to you, but it's very strange to me. But you know what?

I would rather see that Weekend Update. I got a question for you. Yes. What am I like back in your reality? I gotta be honest, you're kind of a pathetic. Excuse me? Yeah, you're like a guy, you know, you always wear t-shirts of our podcast with a flannel shirt over it.

You gotta... I don't do a podcast, I'm in movies. I'm shooting a big movie right now, The Tomorrow War. Oh, that's right, you did get cast in The Tomorrow War, as a, you know, as like a kind of lesser, smaller role. Lessor role, I'm the lead. You're the lead? Yes.

Wait, then you don't have a fast food podcast? You don't review chain restaurants? No. No, I don't do that sort of shit. Huh. That's what we have. We have this podcast, Doughboys, where we go to places like Olive Garden and Sizzler and Taco Bell,

and we give them reviews. Podcasts are for people who have failed in the entertainment industry. Oh, really? Yes. Like that guy, Fat Pratt. Fat Pratt? You mean Chris Pratt, the movie star? The movie star?

He's a big fat guy who reviews fast food chains. Oh my god, he never lost the weight and got Guardians of the Galaxy. Fat Pratt's food reviews. Oh my goodness. It's like a real, it's a total role reversal. So if I was never born, you'd be Chris Pratt, and Chris Pratt would be you. But, wait, what? That makes sense to me.

I know it doesn't make sense to you. In your old reality, I still have a Python though, right? Yeah. Hey, speaking of animals. Well, yeah. These two Panthers you have here, they're on gold chains. Wally and Irma. Oh my god, they're Panthers?

Yes. You trained these wild beasts? Yes. I mean, I don't know why in my reality they become giant Panthers, but they're cool and big. Yeah, it is very cool. And I don't know why in my reality also my dick is big and in your reality it's tiny. I look, I have no idea why.

So you're being born somehow? I've been, I'm trying, I'm struggling with the logic myself. It's confusing. So hold on. Maybe like you're, you're older than me, right? Clearly. Yeah. You look old and you look like shit.

Well, I was back off. Oh, sorry. I'm not that much older than you. Sorry, sorry. Uh, you're much older, but about a few years. So maybe my like my dad or something saw you after you were born and you know, killed off like some of the strong sperm. Just seeing me lowered his testosterone level.

So he kind of had a weaker seed. Yes. I mean, I guess it's possible. I mean, like there has to be some justification. Can I ask you a favor? Yeah. When you go back to your old reality, can you not, can you just still wish you'd never been born?

Boy, I can't stand seeing you this successful and this happy. What? It's pissing me off. What the fuck? You're supposed to be miserable. I'm supposed to feel like I'm better than you. You piece of shit. You know what?

It sounds like you suck. Yeah, maybe I do, but that's fine. That's me understanding my place in this world. My place is to make people more miserable and to bring them down to my level. No, that's bad. Please don't. No, I want to be this fat fucking loser guy that you're talking about. I want to be back.

I want to not be, I want to not be dead. I want to not have not been born. Well, what is it? Do you want to not have not been born or you didn't want to not be dead? I want to not be dead and not have not been born. You're confusing. I want to be real. I want to be a real boy.

I don't want to be a phantom. I want to be a real boy. Make me a real boy, Angel. Make me a real boy. Real, real boy. I think that you'd be best as a proud boy. I'll wait till I get canceled for real. That'll be my plan B.

You're gonna become a proud boy? Yeah, you can always go proud boy. Oh my god. You can always, you can always make a hard right turn if your career's in peril. Get the hell out of here. I'll kill you before I go back. Okay, well, you're gonna see what your life's like now that I'm alive now that I was born. No, no, no way.

Mitch is cool and happy. This I can't stand. I take it all back. I take it all back. I want to live. I want to be alive. I want to have been born. Wish granted.

I guess I'm a genie. Well, I'm an angel and a genie. I mean, you could say wish granted and be an angel. It doesn't mean you're a genie to... Yeah, and I get, but a genie couldn't say, hey, I'm looking after you after I've died. That's angel territory. That's angel territory.

Yeah, I'm just saying like, I think you could still, well, then again, I'm realizing you came out of a lamp. Yeah, and that's a pretty classic genie looking type. It is a genie, but then you also have, like you're trying to get gills slash wings, which is an angel thing. But then again, you've got like a flowing robe, which is like an angel thing. But look, look on my wrist, I got these like two sort of like clasps. You got these shackles, like you're a shackled genie, that genie trope.

Yeah. And then you do have like, you have like blue skin, like a genie. But then again, you also have a halo over your head, like an angel. It's clear, dude. Yeah, you're kind of like living in both worlds. I'm kind of a quirky dude. Yeah. Hey, when we met, did I ever say that I wasn't?

I mean, I got that you were quirky right away. Did I ever proclaim that I was anything but a quirky dude? Dude, I mean, no false advertising. No, you weren't, you don't fly any false flags. I mean, you were just, you were turning yourself into an Afghan like pretty quickly there. So I got that you were a kooky. Yeah, you do. Yeah.

Oh man, I love you, dude. And I hope, I just hope I like helped you out. Can I just say that like I didn't, I'm glad that I went through this whole thing of wanting to throw myself in front of a train because if I hadn't, and I just like lived, I never would have met you. I feel the same way. And I know like you taught me so much about like being a Venusian and like what that means. And look, you helped me get my gills.

Whoa, my gills and wings. Look at my back breathe. Oh, this is, I mean, I'm glad you're happy, but this is kind of- Do you like how the flesh is opening and pulsating? Yeah, this is kind of body horror. This is like out of the- But it takes the edge off that there's teeth. No, I mean, this is like Kronenberg's the fly.

This is, this is a nightmare. Kronenberg's the fly. How about Angel's the fly? Hey, we fly too. Okay, come on. All right, that was good. Come on. I hope I didn't suck.

No, you were great. Okay, can we? I hope I wasn't sucky. You were great. No, you did a great job. You did not suck at all at your job of like helping me see that it's important that I live. I was pretty funny like that, Jeanie.

You were pretty funny. A lot of stuff was funny. You were funny too, man. Oh, come on, man. No, you were cracking. There were some guys where I was just like sitting back at me like, this is just funny. I wasn't fishing for that, but that's nice of you to say.

Even if I wasn't your guardian angel, like we'd still hang out, we'd be buddies, I think. I would, I mean, I'd love to, if you want to hang out sometime, I'd totally be down. Yeah. Well, yeah, sure. Dude, okay. It seems like you don't want to.

So that's whatever. I thought we just left too. I want to give up my time with George Thurrowgood, the coolest angel in heaven, so I can hang out with you. Well, I felt like you were being, we had a sincere moment there, and I thought we did have a nice time today, so I thought you might want to hang out,

but this is maybe there's one reason why I don't let people get close to me, because like it really fucking hurts to get rejected. I put myself out there. No, that's my shit, man. It's my shit. No, it's fine. You were putting yourself out there,

and I felt uncomfortable, so that's more me than you, man. I have more to look at than. I think it was just because my parents gave me so many participation trophies growing up. Fuck. Yeah, that's so fucked up. Like kids have to learn to win or lose.

Kids have to learn to be losers! I bet your parents didn't spank you either, huh? Not once! You had an unspanked bottom, and you're getting participation trophies. Hey, here's one for not being spanked. You participated in not being spanked, and you get a trophy for it.

Yeah. It's today's, and they wonder why millennials love AOC. Yeah, first it was AOL, then it was AOC. What's next, AOB? Yeah, I don't know. That might be next.

I think there's a good chance AOB is next. Most likely. Keep an eye out. Oh, yeah, better get out of here. All right, man. Well, I'm going to jump in front of the string. Wait, no, don't do that. No!

Oh, my God. He turned into a thousand napkins. Well, I guess I'm just alive now with no angel friend. But hey, life seems to be going pretty good. Wait a minute. I'm back at Palmerston. The old Palmerston, like it was before. Let me just go inside and...

Yes, it's just like it was. It's shitty and dirty. There's sparklets bottles that have been on the floor for months in front of the fireplace for some reason. There's cat litter just everywhere. And hey, there's Mitch lying on his back on the couch, checking his phone. Hey, Mitch, it's me, your podcast partner, Weiger.

Yeah, I know who you are. What's up? I just went on this crazy voyage where I imagined what the world was like without me if I'd never been born. Wow. You know what? Everyone was happier. Check this out.

Sounds about right. It was weird, though, because everyone was like ignoring me and acting like I was unfun to talk to. Are you sure that wasn't just this world? Maybe you just got canceled. I've heard that you've been checking out hogs in the headgum locker room lately. Yeah, they banned phones in there.

That's fucked up. Yeah. Anyway... No, I meant like you're fucked up. Oh, well, whatever. I'm just glad to be back. Well, I'm happy that you are back, buddy. I'm happy that I'm back, too. You know what that means?

Teacher says that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its gills. Teacher, what the... You son, are you going to school? Look, I'm still going to school, OK? Oh, my God. I never got my high school degree. Oh, my God.

Wait, you're not taking college classes? You're in high school? No, I'm trying to get my GED. Dear Lord. I was telling you, you went to Cornell, but you don't have a high school diploma? Look, we can edit this out, right? It's just I have to leave early a lot of times,

and that's why I'm trying to get my GED. Wow. Wow. Also, edit this out? We're just like... This is just... Just targeting. This is just our lives.

Sorry. I just got so accustomed to having microphones in front of us. You got a podcast brain. Yes. You got a bad case of podcast brain. Hey, guys. Can I leave?

Yes, you can. Yeah, you can. Yeah, you can. Yeah, you can. That's cool. Thank you. Bye, Susser. There was one last line.

Oh, it really is a wonderful life. Ah, well, good thing everything is back to normal. Now to turn on the TV and watch my favorite show, SNL. It's Weekend Update with Matt Kualik. Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Matt Kualik, and you're not. This week in the sporting world, LeBron James was spotted at a Dunkin' Donuts.

If you ask me, when he's there, it should be called Slam Dunkin' Donuts. Another Kualik cackler for you guys. You know what? It is a wigerful life. Happy holidays, and happy eatin', everyone. See you in 2020. This episode is dedicated to the memory of Huseong Lu.

Goodbye, buddy. On the next Doe Boys Double, it's an end-of-the-year edition of the Doe Boys Delivery Line. We answer your calls on the show live. That's right, there's a back and forth with you maniacs, and it's mostly not a debacle. Get the Doe Boys Double every Tuesday only at Patreon.com slash Doe Boys.