Doughboys - Unlocked! The 2018 Doughboys Christmas Special: Wiger Alone

Episode Date: December 26, 2019

Unlocked! Enjoy our 2018 Doughboys Christmas Special, Wiger Alone. As the Doughboys prepare a Christmas vacation, an argument leads Wiger to wishing his podcast would disappear...(Written by Mike Mitchell. Featuring Nick Wiger, Evan Susser, Michael Blaiklock, Alana "The Knife" Johnston, Jon Gabrus, Paul Rust, Allan McLeod, Yusong Liu, Emma Erdbrink, Wolly, and Irma)Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

It's the 2018 Doe Boyz Holiday Special. Weiger alone, starring Nick Michichu Spoonzweiger, Mike The Spoon Man Mitchell, The Commissioner, Evan Susser, Michael Mookie Blakelock, John Gabless, Alanna The Knife Johnston, Paul Rust, Molasses Boy Alan McLeod, with Yousong and Emma, and introducing Wally and Irma. Musical accompaniment by Yousong Lu, story by Mike The Spoon Man Mitchell and John Hughes, and Ellen by Emma Erdbrick. Alright Merry Christmas everybody, this is great. Here we are at Palmerston, we got the entire Doe Boyz family here for a delicious fast

food dinner, before we go on our big trip to Estonia and put on a show for the Village where Weiger's family comes from. Yep, we got everybody here. We got Yousong, Emma, Commissioner Susser, and hey look, hey everybody, here comes Nick now. Hey buddy, where's my hot salad? What? My hot salad.

What are you talking about? My hot salad. I specifically requested one salad that I said I wanted hot as hell, just for me. Hey Weiger, if you want a hot salad, someone's going to have to barf it all up. You mean like you ate my salad, is that what you're saying? Someone's going to have to barf it all up. The someone is either you or Mitch, and I'm assuming it's you. It's me.

You ate my hot, why would you, I mean you know that's a thing that you probably don't even like, it's a thing that only I like. I told them to eat it. You ate it, so you just ate it just to punish me? No, I ate it because I was hungry. Okay, well I don't want your barf, I don't want your half eaten barf. I'm happy to barf it up. He said if it came across mean, I'm sorry, I'm happy to do barfing.

It seemed a little aggressive. No, no, no, that's my mistake, I'm happy to barf it up. He said he's happy to barf it up for you. I want to barf up the salad. That's not righting a wrong, I don't want your partially digested, like a bunch of mescaline greens that have been in your stomach. First of all, how can it be even more hot, it's cooking up in his stomach first of all. Great point.

So now it's an even hotter salad. You're ungrateful, Wiger. It's not just the temperature. I feel bad. Can I give you some money, can I give you like a few thousand dollars? I got to barf it up though. You ate a bunch of money? Just so I could barf it up and give it to you.

You're on a green streak. Yeah, money, hot salads, Perrier's. Some felt from a poker table? Yep, that's all I've been eating. Wow. I'm weird. It's a weird diet. It's a weird guy in the group.

Wait, I never thought of him that way. I always thought of him as kind of like a grounded guy with a good head on his shoulders, kind of served an mediator role. Well, it's not my fault I got cast as Buzz. Cast. Cast. What the hell are you talking about? Look, if you want some hot salad, you little twerp, someone's going to have to barf it

up. Look, there's multiple buzzes here. Anyone could have been buzzed. I could have been buzzed too. Right. If you want some hot salad, Sus is going to have to fucking barf it all up, okay? You could have been buzzed, but you cast yourself as the one prominent female role in the Home Alone universe.

Why don't you keep talking about casting? What's going on here? We're about to go to Estonia to see your village, Weigar, the village you come from. Yeah, I'm very excited to go there and say, Hey, buddy, all the Weigars, but yeah, I don't know. I mean, I just, I would have liked to have a hot salad. I ate it. I guess it wasn't in active bad faith, but it does a little upset.

Well, if you want some hot salad, someone's going to have to barf it up. Yeah, I know. You've made that point at this. I understand. It's me. Someone. You've made it very clear that you ate my hot salad. You were offering to barf it up.

I don't want to eat your puke. I don't want to. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Weigar, what the hell, man? This is, we're having a Christmas holiday fast food dinner before we go on a trip. Okay. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. Every religion's covered at this table.

We're enjoying ourselves and you come in here and you give commission or Susser who does so much for the podcast a hard time. You know what? With all this antisocial behavior, you're just going to have to sleep in the basement with Wally and Irma tonight. Your cats, but they'll wet the bed. Yeah. You'll probably get the bed all sticky if you know what I mean.

You'll come the bed. Yeah. I know. I understood it. You made it very, like it was, again, it was like someone's going to have to barf it up. I understood it immediately. You know what I think?

Explain it fully. I doubt there's a chance that a drop of either of their piss will hit the sheets if you know what I mean. I'm going to be drinking. Yeah. You're a piss freak. What? That's a part of me.

That's a part of my attributes. Now I like getting pissed on by cats. All right. That's right. If I'm going to want some piss, someone's going to have to barf it all up. Oh, Jesus Christ. Weigar. Yeah, Weigar's going to have to barf up.

This time, it's someone that's Weigar. Fuck. They just thought of barfing up piss. It's so gross. Weigar, just shut up. Shut up. Just shut up. All right.

You said it. Just go, Weigar. Yeah. You saw? Yeah. Get out of here. Wow. Yeah.

Go. You know what? Look what you did, you little jerk. Weigar, you're such a disease. Weigar, you're what the French would call a nom qui aime la salat show. Weigar, you fucking suck. Weigar, you freak. Fuck you, Weigar.

You're a piece of shit. Fuck you, Weigar. Weigar, you're worthless. Oh, that was my internal monologue. Weigar, you suck. Forget all you guys. You know what? I wish this stupid podcast would just disappear.

Whoa. You keep saying that, Weigar. It might just come true, okay? I hope it does come true. I want it to disappear. You really want it to disappear? You want Commissioner Suss here to disappear? You want me to disappear?

You want Usong to disappear? You want us to all go away? Yeah, I want all those things to happen. That would be a delight. That would make my life easier. I'd be alone like that Twilight Zone episode, just by yourself. Like the guy with the books?

Yeah, I'd like that. I wouldn't want to just have books. I wouldn't want to have my glasses break as some sort of ironic monkey paw sort of thing. Your glasses wouldn't break. You want everyone to go. I got Lasik, so my vision's pretty good. I don't give a shit about your eyes.

All right. You got Lasik? Yeah, I got Lasik. Why did you get Lasik? Do they enhance your vision? Can you see through walls now? I have like normal good vision. Well, get down in the basement.

Maybe your dream might just come true. I wish you guys would just disappear into graves. Fuck! Oh, no. I slept in. Did the electricity go out? No, I just slept in.

Enough talk. We're going to be late. New song, Emma. Make sure everyone's accounted for and let's get to the airport. Okay, got it. Come on, guys. We're going to make it.

New song. I'm sorry. I know with my lean physique, it should seem like I'm a good runner, but I'm not. You're slower than me for God's sakes. Let's go. If you guys could just wait.

Okay. All right. Okay. New song. What the hell? No, no, no. I can do it. It's just podcast producing.

I sit down a lot. Hey, do you guys mind if I quickly go into McDonald's and get a, I don't know, maybe a couple double stacks? No time, no time. Okay, okay. Hey, no traffic at LAX. That's great. Okay.

Yeah, this is good. This is good. Definitely super glad I'm doing this. Phew. We just made it. Good work, guys. Okay. New song, Emma.

You're both up here in first class. Yes. That's right. Of course. The Doughboys bought you first class tickets. We are your very generous bosses after all. Weiger argued that you guys should be in coach, but I wouldn't have it.

Thanks, Mitch. Of course. Okay, Emma, do we have all the equipment we need? Yep. I got the zooms, microphones. SD cards? Yep. All the cables, a small jar of Indica,

a pinner for the layover, a bong. Emma, I think you're just listing your own stuff right now. Sorry. Okay. Hey, you song, did you bring everything? Let me see your bag. I don't think we need to. What the hell?

You song, your bag is just filled with green tea. I just like to be prepared. Prepared. What are you talking about? You didn't even bag any clothes or anything. Mitch, I'll be fine. I've got my green tea. God, whatever you fucking freak.

All right. You'll be fine. All right. Wally and Irma have their cat sitter back at Palmerston. I can't stop thinking that I forgot about something. My Doughboy shirt. I'm wearing it. My one flannel shirt.

I'm wearing that too. My Pat's hat. It's on my head. That's everything. Right? Wait a minute. Weigur! Hello.

Hello. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. Hey, where is everyone? They're all gone. I made my podcast disappear. I made my podcast disappear. This is the best day of my life.

Completely alone in Mitch's apartment. Now I can play Smash Brothers single player without my podcast to bother me. Ooh, I can listen to my favorite song, White Noise. Ah, boy. Now that I'm all alone, time for my favorite. A big salad from Little Nero's. Just the way I like it. Hot.

Pipe and hot. Wow, that must be it. That was fast. Hello, one hot salad for Wally and Irma. It's me, Mario. Order says Wally, not Mario. I'm gonna win. Look, there's no reason to get angry here, man.

Let's go. Hey, wait a minute. That's not a person talking. That's recorded sounds from Mario. Look, are you just home alone? I'll level with you. It's not a me, Mario. It's a me, Weigur.

But look, did you really think anyone would leave me home alone? I'm an adult man. First of all, you say Weigur like I know you. Well, I, yes, I, sorry. I don't know who you are. I'm just delivering a pizza, or I guess a salad in this case. What are you, like, 50 years old? I think it's okay to be home alone.

I'm 38. It's a reasonable age. 50 is a reasonable age. If it was 50, it would be fine. I'm 38. I'm not 50. If anything, I'd look young for 30. How many years in a row did you turn 38?

Okay, I'm not, I'm not reenacting the same birthday over and over again because I've been dying my age. I'm confident about the year I was born. Look, it doesn't matter. Do you want your hot salad? Let me take it out of the hot box here. That's really hot on my hands. Take it, take it, take it.

I look at my lips with this hot salad. By the way, I, not to, I don't usually, I'm not allowed to spend a lot of time talking to our customers, but you had called and said that you wanted us to put in the 500 degree pizza oven. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Until it was charred like a thin crust. Yeah.

Little Nero's usually, usually does that for me all the time. It's my regular order. And I don't know why you're saying little Nero's. This is little Caesar's. You called up and said, Hey, is this little Nero's? We said no. And then you just proceeded to order. I mean, luckily we had what you wanted, but just, I don't know if you made us into

some generic fictional pizza place in your mind. I mean, again, it's not my, really my job to pride. Like I could just leave and deliver other pizzas now, but you fascinate me. Well, 58 year old man. All right. You just added eight years to your 50 year old. You said 58 before, right? I said 38.

Oh, I could have sworn you said 58. I'm not 58. You say numbers and then I look at you and it's like, well, it has to be at least 50. And then I heard eight. Again, I get carded all the time. I feel like I look like, I, if anything, I'm, I'm a youthful 38. So, you know, maybe that's your. I used to work at a bar and they said you have to, you have to card anyone that doesn't

look like your grandparents. Okay. Well, And even in your case, I, I might not card you. I'm sure I don't look like your grandfather. That's hyperbole. My grandfather had my mom when she was really young. Okay.

So I look like a young grandpa. That's fine. Yeah. He looked like a, like a Johnny Knoxville in bad grandpa makeup. Grandpa. Young and youthful and skinny, but you know, wrinkly and stuff. Right. Right.

You can see in that movie, but I have seen bad grandpa. I just, I have seen. No, I, yeah. Wait, is that the one with the Nero and Aubrey Plaza? No, that's dirty grandpa. You idiot. Oh, that's the one. I saw dirty grandpa.

I didn't see, I didn't see bad grandpa. That was like more of like a stunt movie, right? It was like, kind of like they were going around doing pranks. Hey man, I'm a pizza delivery guy. What do I look like? A movie executive? I don't know. You were taught you brought up the movie.

It was your reference. I figured you'd know what happened in the movie. Well, I have to, a pizza guy's not allowed to throw it. Just because I make minimum wage, I'm not allowed to throw out a reference and then not be harassed by you. I'm not harassing you. Your salad's getting cold. All right.

Give me my hot salad. I already set it down on the floor. Pick it up. You little bitch. What kind of services? I expect better from little Nero's. All right. Can I have a tip?

No. Yes. I will always tip 20% as a baseline because I, you never know if a service employee is having a bad day. Can I have 25? Yeah. Okay. I'll give you 25%.

30. I'm going to draw the line at 25%. I feel like that's, 25 is already a very generous. 27 and a half. 25% is a very generous tip. 27. That's as low as I'll go. I'll give you a 27% tip.

Nice. No, well $27. You want a $27 tip? Yeah. Well, I mean, you did charge me $100 to heat up the salad. So it does work out to 27%. That's pizzas that we couldn't have in the oven. Right.

And that's revenue that we lose. Oh, so it shut down production for a while. Yeah. Yeah. You guys had to stop down for like 30 minutes. Plus the first one we put in caught on fire. Oh, wow. Yeah.

We had to put it out. Yeah. I can't remember right now. Someone died. Someone died? Yeah. Someone died in the fire. I don't believe that someone died in the pizza.

Yeah. One of our prep cooks died in the fire. No one died because you had to put it. All right. Watch the news tomorrow. You'll see. I will watch it. I'll keep the, I'll watch the morning news tomorrow.

Yeah. What do you get up at 4 AM? Yeah. Get up early. Is that like an old guy crack? Are you saying like I'm elderly because I get up early in the morning? No, I think most 58 year olds should get up at a reasonable hour. Okay.

Again, I'm 38. I'm not like the dirty grandpa or whichever one you mentioned. I'll just, just, just give me my hot salad. Here's your $27. Nice. Good day to you, sir. All right. Thanks.

Oh, and hey, one more thing. When I got here, why didn't you just answer the door? Why did you feel the need to play a recorded voice? Like, were you scared of me or something? What was going on? Yeah. Look, I have some issues with anxiety related to social interactions, particularly with people I don't know.

Just, you know, I'm always worried about making a weird impression. So I figured I could avoid eye contact and having to say words to you by just using my pal Mario and his recorded recitations, whichever one seems to love, everyone seems to love that actor whose name I can't find right now. Everyone seems to love Mario's sounds. Everyone seems to love his vocalizations. I figured if you heard that coming from the door, maybe you'd love me. Wow.

Charles Martinette. That's the name of the actor. Yeah. Can I, can I, can I close the door and play this Mario Yahoo sound? Okay. Okay. Thank you. All right.

You have a great night and Merry Christmas to you and yours. Merry Christmas to you, pizza guy. Yahoo. I can't believe we'd left Wyger home alone. God, is it my house? Might be touching my stuff or creeping out Wally and Irma. Probably making coffee with extra cream if I catch my drift. This is terrible.

You sound, I thought you got a head count. I did. I counted everyone. You sound, you fucked up. I did nothing wrong. Hmm. You know what? Maybe when you were counting heads, you accidentally just counted, I don't know, my laptop as Wyger.

No. I don't mistake laptops for human beings. Not even Wyger. They both are the same. Cold, mechanical. Square frame, MacBook logo. Yeah. I think there could have been, I don't know, Mitch.

You know what? Maybe, you know, Jared from Subway, he was released from prison. Maybe he walked by the van and you accidentally counted his head as Wyger. They looked the same. They acted the same. Huh. I think you're right. I think that's exactly what happened.

Huh. All right. Well, look, no matter what happened, I can't fire you till we're back in LA anyway, so just put me the next available flight back to Wyger, all right? You song. Okay, fine. Thank you. There it is, Palmerston Place.

You were right. You can follow the smell. The dough boys are out of town. Now's the perfect time to rob them. Take a picture on money there with nobody guarding it except Wally and Nerma, the duds. Yeah, but who cares about the money? If we take away Mitch and Nick's income, maybe they'll leave comedy and LA forever. Everybody's one true dream.

We'll be heroes. It's easy. All we have to do is open the door that Mitch leaves unlocked. Wait. With the address listed on most of his podcasts. That's right. Desperate for guests to come and nobody does. Oh, here.

Look, this must be the house because there's the bucket where strangers leave food that Mitch eats. You can tell this is a house because it's a literal dump, a turd sitting on property. Oh man, I guess we have different definitions. The word literal knife. Yo, thanks. Okay, let's take a look. What are we working with here?

So the windows obviously have newspaper over them to prevent any light from getting in because that would be something that the human body needs and Mitch, of course, does not let any of that touch his body. And boy, does it show in that blue-ass skin. All right. What else? He does look like raw chicken, right? He's a little raw.

He's a little raw. All right. Knife. All we need is something to kind of wedge in here into the door jam. Do you have anything? Might I suggest a knife? Oh shit. Her namesake.

You carry it with you? Thanks. You're welcome. It was a question, but if you say thanks, that works. Okay. Let's see what else we got here. Okay. We should be careful when we go in there.

I can already sense that there's a stack of gizzed up paper towels on the other side of this door. Things are feeling a little sticky. Wait, we're supposed to be the wet bandits. Oh yeah. Are we going to be the sticky bandits once we get inside there? Let's get back to this. Wet and hard bandits.

Yeah, we are wet and hard. Of course the knife is hard and I'm wet as hell. That's right. You know what else is wet? This floor, piss stained. You can tell where he's been walking. Just follow the trail of tiny pee-pee. He's like walking around naked with his little pecker, dripping slow piss and pre-com all

over the floor. Oh, poor Wally and Irma are like lightheaded from lapping at the hardwood floor. That's right. You know we've got a little tiny dong because it's tiny drops. Wait. Oh no. This is just Wally. Where's Irma?

Oh my God. Don't tell me that flat piece of fur in the bed is Irma. Oh my God. He sat on her. He rolled over on Irma. He killed her. Killed her dead. Oh no.

When he gets back from Boston in 48 days, he's going to find out and be furious. Also, who the fuck goes to Boston for 48 days? Someone who has a fucking weird relationship with her mother. Yeah. Good. Cool. Wouldn't even dream of it. All right.

Wait a second. This is an unmarked amount of money. It must be their monthly Patreon nut. They refuse to give the amount. And it seems like the entire inside is guarded with a bunch of cans, but they're not even strung up in a way that they'd fallen you. They're just placed around the house. These are Diet Cokes.

Oh, and then Cokes and then Coke Extra. Oh, he must have been really going through it. Yeah. And they're all two liter cans, which is a new thing, I guess. They look small in his hands, so he feels good. All right. Seems like it all checks out. Yep.

We looked in every single window and it was as horrifying as we thought. This is the new Los Feliz murder house. Let's come back though under the cover of night and really rob the place. Yeah. What do you want to do in the meantime? I think we should go get sandwiches because sandwiches are both an Italian and an Arabic thing. Yeah.

If only there was a place I could get more information about sandwiches from. Let's go get sandwiches, you know, because they're not just for Jews anymore. That's right. They're open ethnicity and anyone who doesn't admit that is committing a hate crime. There's such thing as pro semitism. All right. Let's get out of here. Wait for me.

I'm a little slower than you. I overheard everything. Those burglars didn't expect anyone to be home. They also probably didn't expect for whoever was home to be sitting silently in a chair, not doing anything, staring into space, reflecting, listening, plotting, occasionally practicing deep bends from the waist. Well, if these burglars try to break in here, they're going to get more than they bargained for.

This is Mitch's house. And more importantly, the studio where we record Doe Boy's lucrative Patreon episodes. It brings in an amount of money that only Spencer Crittenden and I know. I have to defend it at all costs. Hey, thanks for giving me a ride from Quincy to LA. I was over in Estonia, but I accidentally left my podcasting partner back in LA. I was flying back to see him, but decided to spend a couple of days in Quincy in between. And then I was having too much fun.

I kind of forgot about him and to book a flight back to LA. And so they were all sold out. So here I am. Oh, cool. Cool. I get it. That's cool. You know, it's funny.

I'm actually going back west to reunite with my bandmate. Oh, hey, music. We're both in audible sound entertainment, huh? That's right. You put that together pretty quickly. Thank you. You're sharp. That we are.

Well, you know what? It takes equal talent to start a podcast as it does to learn multiple instruments and write and perform songs, I guess. Indeed. Hey, by the way, thanks for picking up a complete stranger and driving them back across the country. Oh, sure. You know, I rarely pick up hitchhikers, but you had such a nice thumb sticking out there. So well manicured.

My mother always told me, take care of your thumb first and let the rest fall into place. My mother said the same thing. Oh, if only each of our mothers could have taken a bit of time to have it rhyme, maybe would have been a little bit more effective. My mom also said, rhyme, rhyme, there is no time. You're funny, man. I'm glad I picked you up. You're cracking me up, dude.

This is going to be a fun trip by then. Yeah. Well, no. Yeah. So I'm going to LA as well. Oh, cool. Yeah. What's going on over there?

I'm meeting up with Cassidy. Oh, Cassidy? Yeah. What? You want me to tell you to tell me more about this Cassidy? Oh, I was like, you want his full name and birthday? If you don't mind. Oh, yes.

Michael Daniel Cassidy. Birthday is May 23rd, 1980. I think that sounds right. Cassidy is my bandmate. He's awesome. One of my best friends. Oh, well, that sounds nice. I don't think my podcast partner would ever call me his best friend.

Really? Yeah, I honestly don't even know if he has a single friend. And I definitely wouldn't call him my best friend. But you know what? I messed up really bad. I left him home alone. You left him home? Oh, sorry.

I just got to make this turn here. So I just want to concentrate. I'm not trying to be rude. I just like it's, I got to pay attention here for a moment. Just so I don't fuck this up. Okay. Cool. Okay.

I'm sorry. You said he was home alone? You left him home alone? I'm sorry, man. I was listening. I just... I left him home alone by himself. Okay, yes.

Have you ever messed up like that ever in your life? Have you ever left your bandmate home alone? Have you ever done anything bad to your bandmate? Well, yeah, actually something really terrible happened once. Oh, no. Cassidy took my bass and he was playing and he broke one of my bass strings. Oh. It got me so frustrated.

I told him, I'll never forgive myself for what I told him. Oh my God, how did you... I said I needed to get fresh air and I walked outside for a few seconds. I came back and we hugged after. But it got... Harry! You really are a singer. Wow.

Well, do you ever do anything like... I don't know. Do you ever tell him that you hoped that he'd die and that when he did that you wouldn't go to his funeral and then when he asked you if you were serious, you said yes. And then also you were serious because I've done that to my podcasting partner. No. No? You have?

Yes. I've done that to Nick. Oh. Every day. Oh my goodness. I do hope he'd die. Don't say that. Never say that.

The world would be a better place without him. I don't know. What if you have powers that would make him die? Good riddance, I say. Hmm. How are you Billy George? I'm strong. Okay.

Look. I hope you're having the time of your life. I did when I watched this penultimate episode of Seinfeld. Watching them all hug. God, that's what that show is all about. Anyway. You know what I liked? Personal 20 year gripes aside.

You know what I liked? Kramer's apology on Letterman when Seinfeld said, let him talk, let him talk. It's not funny. I remember on that Letterman episode, they set up a door, the door entrance to Seinfeld's apartment, enduring Letterman's monologue. Kramer busted through it. And then he gave his apology as we both know. Yeah.

I think that's sort of what threw the audience off. Of course you're going to start laughing when you see this. And then he gave his apology as we both know. Yeah. I think that's sort of what threw the audience off. Of course you're going to start laughing when you see that goofball slide in. You're primed to. It's a, you know, it's like a Pavlovian thing.

I'm just. Doggy hears bell. He goes drool. Kramer slides through door. We go, he roll. I see what you're trying to do. Trying to distract me from your Weigar problems. Your podcasting part.

A nice try. They're bumming me out. What can I say? Look, we're getting you home to Weigar in no time. And you know what? I think in order to have a little power. Yeah. I see my gas is heading on empty, but it's powered by song, my boy.

It's powered by song? Yes. And maybe we need to sing a Christmas song to cheer you up. I would love that. You seem to have a little mistletoe in your jolly shorts. You know, you remind me of Dennis Miller a lot. Both here and before when you said that Kramer makes the problem. You know what?

I get confused for two. Dennis's Dennis Miller. Dennis the menace. Three. Dennis's Dennis Miller. Dennis the menace. And hello. Dennis Cooberman from I love you, Beth Cooper.

I see it. I see it. Well, what do you say? Do you want to sing a song? I would love to sing a song. Oh Christmas. Oh Christmas. Christmas time is here.

You put up your wreath. Then you grab a cold beer, cold beer. What will I look at next week? A new calendar. The dates will change, but we'll be the same. The dates will change, but we'll be the same. We'll watch the tree wither and die. As needles will fall and I will cry.

The tree is turning brown and dry. It looks like a log of shit. Yes, that beautiful Christmas tree now looks like a log of shit. I might as well keep it up. You might as well flush it down the can. That would cause a back up and I'd have to shit in garbage cans. I think I'll keep it up till Halloween. Yes, for the children.

For the children. I'll have children this year and keep it up for Halloween. By that point it will be black, Tim Burton black. Tim Burton made us a movie. Tim Burton made us a movie. Tim Burton made us a movie. About Christmas and Halloween and Mars too. Wow.

That really, really, really cheered me up. It really cheered me up too. So much so, the car is flying. We'll be back in LA in seconds. Seconds. This is it. Hey, thanks for the ride, Paul. Hey, no problem.

Here, let me just get this in the park before you get out. Hydraulic system. Hydro. Spoon moon. Hey, can I just ask you quickly before I step out? Yeah. I'm at the house. Yep.

But I just want to know, why don't you make all those sounds with your mouth? Thank you for sitting there and making direct eye contact with me during all that. Your car didn't make any of those noises. No, that was all me. Well, I have to do that for the car. Well, I knew if there was going to be any point that I had you. It would be at the end of this trip when you most owed me for driving and you wouldn't walk out on me and man, I'm just, I'm testing out new noises.

And so I needed an honest response. I got it. It sucked. So thank you very Merry Christmas to me. The dumb asshole. No, no, no. I think that if Michael Winslow saw what you just did, he jumped off a fucking block. Oh, kill himself because he'd know that he he could never top it.

Yeah. Well, anytime somebody makes a noise, Michael Winslow's name doesn't have to come up. Okay. There's conversations about human beings making noises where that hack doesn't get his name mentioned. Okay. He's successful because he mainstreams noises. I can't get into it.

All right. But there's a, there's a loyal group of us. Merry sound makers. That's focused entirely on a car. Me put in the park. I'm sorry. I'm keeping you. Get out of here.

You rascal and go kiss Wyger for me. Oh yeah. Sure. Hey, good luck with your band. See you, Paul. Bye. What? Bye.

What? My band. What was he talking about with my band? I didn't say anything about a band. I was so weird. I never even told him I was a ghost. Did I? Did I mention I was a ghost?

I must have. I probably just said at the very beginning, I was like, Hey, I'm good. But then why would he have talked to me like, I didn't say I was a ghost. Fuck whatever. Hey, I just want to say bye still. Oh, I didn't let you out. Yeah. Sorry.

One last sound. Ping. Oh, the door open. The door open. All right. See you later. I'm sorry about how you're a ghost. I overheard you talking to yourself.

Yeah. Are we going to make this a whole act five production? No, no. I'm good. Bye. See you next in there. Yep. This is it up here on the right.

Great memory. Yeah, I know. Let's give that guy four stars. He's stunk. Yeah. Reakin it up. All right. Here we go.

All right. So we just walk right in doors unlocked. Oh man. I can't imagine Mitch going up this one step every night. It must be exhausting for him. Yeah. And it seems like it's the only results he's getting from his personal trainer. Hey, I appreciate the fat jokes.

Since you're my friend, it's like, you know, I'm your fat friend. You can use fat jokes whenever you want. Don't worry about it. Yeah. And you're really chill like that. Thanks so much. You're welcome, the knife. I appreciate you not being jealous of my perfect and thin proportional body.

I'm not jealous of it as much as I want it. Nice. For display. All right. Before I get me to by my own criminal partner. Surprise guys. You brigands. What?

I thought you said no one was going to be home. Turn on a light. Is this one? Why? Or is that you in here? This is Palmerston. I have to defend it. Yeah, man.

We know where we are. We just walked up here. Wait a minute. What? What is all this shit? Yeah. Did you like set a bunch of traps? Oh my God.

He did. I set up some traps. Well, first of all, is this pile of toys supposed to like trip us or hurt our feet? What are these yellow things for kids anyway? Is this Pikachu's or some shit? There are Pikachu's. Those are minions. Did you just have these?

I brought them with me. There's a ton of them and they're all in their original packaging. Yeah, like you just had these at home. Well, yeah, I'm not going to take Dave or Stuart or Jerry out of the packaging. I want these guys mint in box. Look, the idea was that you'd come in here. You'd see the minions. You'd be so distracted by the how fun they are that you just end up playing with them

instead of robbing Mitch's place. In the boxes? Well, yeah. I mean, that's what I like to do. I mean, that's like, I feel like a lot of kids appreciate toys on that level. You just kind of have them to look at. And just have them like face each other and talk. I don't think you understand kids at all.

And I don't want you learning more about them. Yeah. Okay. Well, what about this trap? What if this is milk and cookies? What is this? All right. These cookies are have a lot of butter in them and that milk is full fat like whole milk.

The idea is you combine the two, you have yourself a little sweet treat and then you're going to be, you're going to have the rumblies all night. You're going to be able to do anything. You think I won't diary all over this dump? I would not shit in this bathroom here. I would not touch the toilet seat. Have you seen Mitch's like closed? Do you trust his toilet seat to be clean?

No, you know what? You're right. Let's not eat the cookies and then dump later in our clean apartment. Yeah. The apartment that the knife and I share has the coolest toilet. We have two toilets facing each other so we can sit in the morning and catch up while we fucking spray shit. Yeah.

Why? If you didn't suck so much, we didn't bite you over. I mean, I come hang out. If you guys, why you're what's up with this like a nine inch sub that's super thick? Oh my God. You just ate the whole thing all the way down your throat. Jesus Christ. Dude, are you okay?

You just held that between your thighs and then ate the whole thing down to the heel in one bite. Yeah, that wasn't it. So much pastrami. That wasn't a trap. That was just my meal. I just got hungry. So wait, you said a bunch of traps here, went and got a meal and decided to eat it when

we arrived. Well, you guys were talking to each other. I figure I had an opening to my dinner. Performatively, it felt as though he was waiting for an audience to demonstrate both the depth of his throat and the flexibility of his lumbar. Yeah. Just to clarify, none of your traps have gone off, but you for sure took the time to eat that sandwich.

Now this, I don't know what this trap is. It's a belt hanging from the pole in the closet with like a loop on the end. Look at the trap. Am I supposed to accidentally slip in this or is this from something else? Look, I actually, I'll admit, I didn't set this one up. This was already here. If you'll notice over here, Mitch has like started a suicide note, but he just like hasn't finished it.

Yeah. So why does he address a suicide note? Dear Santa. It's weird. I think he doesn't quite get the spirit of a suicide note. Also, if you check the date, the date is like March 16, 2017. He's been working on this for a while. Yeah.

He's this game. He's all over the place. He's cut out magazine letters. Like it's, if he signs his own name, they're going to know it. It doesn't matter what you got. He doesn't have to hide his handwriting. There's like a drawing of like a gun with a saw on it that says like the ultimate weapon. It's just like you thought it was like a cool thing to draw.

I don't know what's going on. And I don't know. Is this a trap? It's a human size turd in a kitty litter box. Yeah. And I can't find these cats anywhere except for that dead one in the bed. There's the formerly Irma currently a pelt lying in the bed. Look guys, I do have one more trap.

I'd like to show you. Uh-oh. Let's take a look. Yeah. I'd love to see what this is. It's a PlayStation 4 that hasn't been updated. If you want to play it, you're going to have to spend hours downloading the system update. Okay.

I mean, I guess. Jesus Christ. They're like, these are like a lot of explanations. I would imagine trying to use anything in Mitch's apartment requires four hours of updating or at least bleaching before you touch it. Yeah, man. We're sitting at a glass table that's on great columns for God's sake. Yeah.

It needs an update. It is interesting that we decided to take this interaction to this glass table and sit down and have a conversation. Why? There's the only way for us to be recorded so we can have this conversation. Besides, I had to walk up that one step. I'm exhausted. I get it now.

Yeah. I get gas from that step. It's a big step up. I don't know how Mitch does it. It's hard not to fart because you stretch so much when you take that. Did you say you get gas? I get gassed. Oh, gassed.

Okay. That makes me exhausted. Oh, I always fart because it's a big step and it kind of spreads my cheeks in a way. He literally tuted his way in. That's why I let the knife go first. Hoping she would toot. All right. Let's get out of here.

This is fucking depressing. This is fucking stupid as all hell, dude. Do you guys don't want to like hang out and watch a movie or something? Why? It's only going to take you four hours to upload it. Yeah. I don't know what movie you're going to pick based on all your toys. The fact that you're wearing a yellow hat and steampunk goggles right now.

Air Bud Golden Receiver. That was my guess as well. No question about it. OVS. All right, the knife. Let's get out of here. Yeah. Wait, what about the Patreon money?

Oh shit, right. We want that Patreon money. Then we could reveal to the handbook guys how much it is. Something everybody's been dying to know. This is for nobody. Grab them. Get it. You're so lean since the half marathon.

Yeah. Yeah, I dropped a good amount away just popping for it. You know, kind of like, I kind of did paleo. I was messing around with paleo for a little bit. God, you're surprisingly strong. You fight with me. Hey, get off me. Sorry, I didn't mean to grab you.

I was trying to grab Nick. Ow, ow, ow. Ow. Oh, dang. Wow, old man molasses, the old fuck from across the street. You saved my life and knocked out the knife in Gabriel's with your shovel. But why? Well, you remind me of my granddaughter.

Really? What's she like? Kind of introverted. Keeps to herself, you know, awkward. Can go down on herself. All right. Okay. I see what you're saying here.

I mean, it does sound just like me. I'm sorry. I've always thought of you as a weird old creep. It's cool. I think of you as a weird old creep, too. Guess we're peas in a pod. Just a couple of peas in a pod. Two weird old peas in a pod.

Normal peas in a pod. Normal peas in a pod. Two normal peas in a pod. Hey, I got to ask, fellow pea. Yes, Mr. P. Why do you carry around that chowel and pale? Oh, sorry. Shovel and pale.

The V was missing. Kind of freaks people out. I prefer to call it a chowel. Oh, you do call it a chowel. It's the French pronunciation. Oh, so that wasn't a typo. That's just, that's what you call it. Where I learned to chowel.

A chowel. Okay. Well, why do you carry around that chowel and pale? Well, it clearly comes in handy to knock out robbers, but it's to shovel molasses, of course. Shovel molasses? Shovel it where? Wherever it may need to be shoveled.

Did not clear things up. Whatever it may need to be shoveled. You just got molasses just like lying around. Does it need to be shoveled your way over to your house? I don't need molasses. I definitely don't need molasses here. I can do it for you. Mitch, I mean, if you're talking about Mitch's place,

this is Mitch's place, not my place. He definitely does not need more like just like weird goo in here. I don't see any molasses, goo. I don't. I see cummy white cum and jizzy white jizz, but no gold and slowed in molasses. I'm just going to say like there are cats that live here. Don't put more molasses inside.

They'll be sticky with molasses when I'm through. I just don't think that's a good idea. I would say like molasses maybe keep it in like a barrel or a bucket or something. I just don't think you should have it just out on someone's hardwood floor. I do keep it in barrels right in my truck. I'll go pull it around. Oh, don't you know what?

Dump away. You know what? Don't worry about the molasses right now. The ooze is slowest at first. Then it starts to flow. And that's when the molasses kicks in. Look, old man molasses, molasses old man. Yes?

I think just put the molasses aside for a second because clearly you want your fixated on it. I'm realizing we have something else we have to attend to. Okay. These two rogues who tried to rob Palmerston, they're dead. You murdered them. What do we, I mean, what do we, I don't,

I mean, I do know how to dispose of a corpse, but I'm just like, do you want me to help you with that? Like, do you want me to use my expertise to dissolve these corpse? Do you know how to use a bone saw? Yeah, I know you use a bone saw. What kind of question is that? Sorry. I just, you don't seem like a normal person to me.

So I didn't think you might know how to use a bone saw. I know how to use a bone saw. I also have my home address memorized because I'm a normal man. Sure. I know these normal things. What's your home address? I wouldn't, I would never say my home address on a podcast. You think I'm an idiot?

You can't prove that you know it. I know my home address. I'm just going to say it out loud on something that's being recorded. The thousands of people are going to listen to. I'll bring you some molasses. What kind of idiot would disclose their home address on a podcast? Someone who wants molasses. Well, I don't want your molasses.

What we need to do is we need to get these bodies out into the woods. We need to dig a pit, a dig a hole for each of them that is about 12 feet deep. We need some line from the hardware store. What happened to six feet deep? What's going on with the kids of today? My day was six feet under. The thing about six feet is that the corpse sniffing dogs know to look for six feet. Like, that's what they know the threshold is.

So you have to go a little deeper now. Who are these corpse sniffing dogs? Don't you know how these forensics departments work? I don't watch any of that TV. Not even NCIS New Orleans? Sure, I watch that one. Okay. Well, that one's got a lot of that sort of stuff.

Bosch, you ever check out Bosch? Sure, I watch Bosch, but that's it. I don't make it all the way through. Sometimes I have my last assist to mix up in the garage. Got it. You don't make it all the way through a Bosch episode. Probably like the third act is when they're doing a lot of the detective work where they're figuring out who did the crime.

Maybe you're missing. Yeah, I get it. Okay. I understand when you explain it like that. We just need to get these corpses out of here or else we're going to be like, we're both going to be trying to be accomplice after the fact at this point. I have an idea. We put them in one of my barrels.

Put them in the molasses? It'll be our little molasses. You know what molasses old man? You may be old and you may like molasses, but that brain of yours is like a young boy's brain. Okay, you know. It's very active and sharp. Okay.

Well, anyway, I got to go here soon. So if you need some help, I can do it now. Let's get these corpses up into those molasses fats and they'll never be found. Okay. Sure. Here we go. That's one wet corpse. The second one.

Can we just pour molasses over this one? Instead of trying to get it into the, I just think it might be a little bit of a challenge to get into the barrel. I suppose so. Let's just pour some molasses on this one. Okay, here we go. Lift the barrel. Good goose.

And that is that. Molasses old man. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for teaching me the spirit of Christmas. And thank you for saving my friend Mitch and his place and the Doe Boys Patreon. Oh, is that what this was all about? Yeah, it's made. It's like a money thing.

Is it mentioned earlier? Yeah, we set up. Okay. Yeah, it's mentioned. I mean, what do you mean? Do you mean earlier? Like earlier tonight was it mentioned earlier? Yeah, I mean, I said it earlier tonight.

Oh, you're welcome. My pleasure. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Long tongue. All right, get out of here. I'll take it from here. Okay, bye.

Oh, that's my butt. Thank you, molasses old man. Thank you so much. Oh man. Mitch is going to be home any second. I'm going to clean up. Well, that was quick. I mean, it makes sense.

I had a very efficient plan that executed correctly. Now what to do with all this time I have on my hands? Hmm, maybe a little dinner for one if you catch my drift. Aw. Weiger? Weiger. Oh, hey, Mitch, you're back. Merry Christmas.

Hey, Merry Christmas. Why? What are you doing in here? You know, just cleaning up, just tidying up the place, getting everything in order. Okay. Look, Nick, I'm sorry I left you behind. I just, I got so, you know, the way things go with me with

Doughboys, I get so caught up in planning and doing everything for the show. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds right. That I just completely forgot about you and I left you here alone in Palmerston. It was actually kind of nice, you know. Natalie thought I was out of town.

So, I mean, I like my wife. I love my wife. You like, you said like? I love my wife. Okay. I was trying to say, I was saying like, like, not saying like, I only like my wife. She's saying like, I like my wife, but also she thought I was out,

she thought I was out of town. And so I was just at your place hanging out. And I was just like, all I can do is just like play, I just get to play video games. Yeah, you know what? This brings up a good point. Just go home to your home in Santa Monica. I guess I could have just gone home.

Yeah, you should have. You know what it was is that we were in here and I was, I was worried about the Doughboys Patreon fortune. Oh, I think that's our justification for why I didn't go home. That's our justification. I think that's what we think. That's the story reason why I couldn't go home. The story reason.

What the fuck are you talking about? The story of our lives. That's the reason. No, okay. Yeah, I should have just gone home. Look, Nick, I liked that you stayed here. You know what? You're my friend.

Mitch, I learned a lot staying here by myself. I got to say, you're my friend too. You know, honestly, I just came back. I really missed Wally and Irma. Oh yeah. It's good that you just came back because you missed Wally and Irma. I didn't miss you either. It wasn't about you at all.

Nick, you're like a third Wally and Irma to me. It's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. That's right. And Irma, who is not dead and flattened on my bed, she's doing just great. Oh, you can't even handle that like in a, like in a joke sense. Like you need to like make sure that that's explained this fake thing we're doing. Excuse me? Why do you keep referring to this as some sort of story?

I'm just saying like you're like humorless about like the health and safety of your cats. And it was a fun ending where Irma is safe. You know what? Irma is okay. You're absolutely right. And I'm glad that that worked out. I'm glad that she didn't get sad on. Hey, Nick, this is Paul.

He gave me a ride home. Hey, buddy. Nick. Hey. So, gosh, what was it like to be home alone? Well, there's a lot I can tell you, but even better than that, there's a lot I can sing you. When you're home alone, there's not much for you to do.

When you're home alone, often you just feel like number two. It's a bummer to have nobody around. All that you hear is the sound of your own voice. Your own voice. Your own voice. Your own voice. Your own voice. You're echoing through the hallways.

Saying, hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. But no one responds. When you're home alone, you sit down on the couch. You start to put your hand down your pants. And then you say, oh, no, forget it. When you're home alone, you call out, ma, get me a drink.

And then you stop and think, my mom doesn't live here in LA. Because I'm home alone. Hey, buddy. And it melts the time away. You can't spend your days putting your cats in diapers and treating them like their children. Cats in diapers. Echoing through the hall. Cats in diapers.

Cats in diapers. Hey, buddy. And then you try to talk to them and they just meow at you. And so you put your hand back down your pants. And then you say, oh, no, forget it. When you're home alone, surrounded by everybody. Can't get down the hall because it's filled with people. Every room seems to be packed with people.

Call out. My voice does not echo through the hall. Because there's so many people at my house when I'm home alone. Oh, wait. Did you say home alone? I thought you said home around everyone at once. No echo. There's no one around.

Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. When you're home alone. Hey, that was nice. That was lovely. All right. Well, that's Nick. See you, Paul.

Nice to meet you, fellas. Wow. He's really good at sound effects. Yeah, that's what I said to him. He's a good singer too. He must be a musician. Nick, you've got a lot to learn, my boy. Do you think he knows Mike Cassidy?

Oh, yeah. Wait, I know Mike Cassidy. Yeah. He wrote the Doughboys theme song. Yeah. Do you think that is so he must know Mike? Wait, was that Paul Russ? It was.

Oh, that's like, he's like a good friend of both of us. I'm embarrassed. Yeah, wow. I acted like I was meeting him. I mean, in all fairness, he acted like he was meeting us for the first time too. So that was like that was on. I think we all should be embarrassed. Now that I realized that it was Paul, he made a joke about how he looks like the guy for

my love. That's he made that joke because he stars in that movie. He's in it. He looks like the character. What the hell? That's weird. I mean, that's fun. That's funny.

It's when you're the way you're done. I don't know what the joke was that he told you, but the way you told it to be. He said he gets. I'm sorry. He says that sometimes people mistake him for Dennis Coverman. I believe his name is the character's name. Yeah. That's funny.

I like that. I like that. I like that he said that. I like the way you're describing it to me. Me too. Well, well, you're back home here in Palmerston. Irma is alive as you made clear to point out. Everything's back to normal.

Yep. It sure is. Wait a minute. Weigar, what did you do to my room? What do you mean, buddy? There's a bunch of hentai posters on the wall and minion bed sheets. What the hell happened here, Weigar? Look, I made it my home for a little bit.

You know, I got to have some hentai up there. I can't go a day without looking at some hentai. And yeah, the minion sheets, I can't sleep without my buddies here. Kevin and Stuart and Dave and the whole gang. And you also took out every form of entertainment. My TV's gone. Yeah. My iPod and my stereo.

Why? Right. I just want to spend some time with the old noodle. Spend a little time with the old brain. Oh my God. Just think for a bit. What the hell is this you're building in here? You stay away from there.

What the fuck? This is electronic. This is a look. This is something I'm calling project alpha. You get out of here. It's like a tribute to Gru and IRL tribute to Gru and IRL tribute to Gru. Yeah, you know, the kind of mischief he'd get up to. Gru is the not fun one in the movie, isn't he?

I mean, I wouldn't say he's not fun. I'd say he's an essential component of it. I mean, who are the hey, wait a minute. What do you mean? Well, I grew to play off of every picture of my dad that I have up on my wall is replaced with Gru. What the fuck is your issue? I just think Gru is something of a father to me and maybe he could be

something of a father to you. God, you're a freak. But you know what? You had to do what you had to do. You know what? All that matters is that the dough boys are reunited once again. By the way, you should thank me for having some sheets that aren't just completely crusted on this bed for once.

I don't know how you sleep on those things. I'm not sure if I'm going to be used to sleeping on non crusted sheets. Honestly, it's like sleeping on a fruit roll up. Yep. All that matters is that the dough boys are reunited once again. My sheets are clean and our patreon bucks are safe. Hell yeah. Oh, and one last thing, Nick, you song you're fired.

Good grief. Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. And a happy Hanukkah. Dough boys media. Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.

This is Come Santa wishing you and yours a very cummy Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.