Doughboys - UNLOCKED: The Mitchy Clause: A Doughboys Holiday Special

Episode Date: December 22, 2022

Unlocked and free for all! It’s the Doughboys 2021 Holiday Special! The Mitchy Clause! Divorced podcaster Nick Wiger has custody of his son on Christmas Eve. After he "accidentally" kills a large bearded man on his roof, Wiger learns he must become the new Mr. Slice.Starring: Nick “No meat shall he eat” Wiger, Betsy Sodaro, Emma Erdbrink, Yusong Liu, Neil Campbell, and Paul Rust, Alana Johnston, Jon Gabrus, Dano O’Connell, The Drop King Robert Persinger, Nicole Byer, Carl Tart, Jason Zouks Mantzoukas, Michael Mookie Blaiklock, Evan Susser, Jackie Boy Jack Allison, and of course. Me. Mr. Slice Mike MitchellNarration by John Hodgman Original musical accompaniment by Yusong Liu Written by me. And maybe Evan Susser a little bit Edited and directed and only listenable because of Emma ErdbrinkTo get more Doughboys Double go to patreon.com/doughboysWant more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's up, everybody? It's your boy, The Spoon Man, and I want to talk to you about today's sponsor, UberEats. At UberEats, we've helped more than 400,000 restaurants across the U.S. reach new, hungry customers and deliver growth quickly through new orders. Uber's global platform can help you grow, reach new people, get valuable sales data, and unlock ways to expand with flexible delivery options. Put your business on UberEats. Get access to the UberEats platform, including valuable sales data to grow your business. Dig in to your data. Really dig in there, anytime, to monitor your performance and customer order trends. Wow. Wow.

Why is restaurant owners enjoy 0% commission for the first 30 days on all orders, offer subject to change per the terms of the restaurant agreement? Wow, 0% on the first 30 days. Sign up today. That link that you want to click on is down there in the episode description. Right down there. Check it out. There it is. Move your cursor. Go ahead and click. Or if you're on your phone, use your finger and click that link. Click that link in the episode description. It's the Doughboys 2021 Holiday Special. The Mitchie Claws. Starring Nick, no meat shell he eat weiger. Betsy Sadaro. Emma Urbrink. Usong Lu. Neil Campbell and Paul Rust. Alanna

Johnston. John Gabriel. Dana O'Connell. The Drop King. Robert Persinger. Nicole Byer. Carl Tart. Jason Zooks. Manzuchus. Michael Mookie. Blake Locke. Jackie Boy. Jack Allison. The Commissioner, Evan Susser. And of course me. Mike Mr. Slice Mitchell. Narration by John Hodgman. Original musical accompaniment by Usong Lu. Written by me and only me. And maybe by Evan Susser a little bit. And I can't forget the two guys who originally wrote it, Leo Benvenuti and Steve Rudnick. But it was mostly improvised. An edited and directed and only listenable because of Emma Urbrink. Hello, I'm John Hodgman and this is The Essentials Collection from DCF Doughboys Classic Films.

Today's film is part of our 31 Days of Doughmus lineup. It's titled The Michi Claws. Inspired by the magical realist classic from 1994, The Santa Claws was directed by John Pasquitt. This modern adaptation was conceived and directed by Michael Donovan Mitchell. In this telling, Mitchell reimagines the Scott Calvin role made famous by Tim Allen as a character named Nick Weiger. Beyond that, it's basically the same story exactly. The original film famously has a scene that took place at a Denny's restaurant. And so does this one. In fact, that's where it starts. So without any further ado, may we present to you The Michi Claws. Actually a little bit further ado if you don't mind. My name is John Hodgman.

Please check out Dick Town on FX on Hulu. Dick Town, the animated show co-created by me and David Rees. Always be plugging bit.ly slash d-i-c-k-t-o-w-n. And now on to the film. Ah, another lonely Christmas Eve at Denny's. And worst of all, no hobbit meal. But at least I get custody of you, song this Christmas. Ah, hey, Merry Christmas Eve. Is there anything I can get you to drink? Uh, yeah, you know, I'm, I think I'll do a cup of coffee. Okay. Hey, I'm sorry. I'm sure you know this, but yeah, I'm from Lakewood, California, the home of the first Denny's. Oh my God, you are. Yeah. That's where I did my training. Everybody has to go there to train. Every single person in any Denny's has to go there to train. Wow.

So you were in Lakewood. You spent some time in Lakewood. You must have seen a movie at the Regency 8 Cinema. I sure did. I saw Terminator. Oh my God. Yeah. Wait, that long ago you saw Terminator 1? Yeah, yeah. Are you here by yourself or are more people going to join you? Should I get a couple of cups of coffee? What would you like? Yeah, it's just me. I'm, you know, I'm all alone. I'll just do the, just do the one cup of coffee. It's interesting how Denny's are strategically located by freeway exits. Like that's kind of been their franchising strategy. Well, hey, you know, people are driving and they get hungry. Boom. You see the Denny's? You know, you're going to get some okay food, huh? Yeah, I'd say better than okay.

I know you have to be modest. Hey, how come you got this matrix meal that you can order online but you can't get it in the restaurant? We kind of want it to be more matrixy so you can only get it online because you know, what is reality, man? No, that makes a lot of sense. It's like kind of more of a secret thing that you have to do through an internet connection. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, look, sir, do you, do you want coffee and do you want some food? Because right now it seems like you care more about Denny's than anybody who works here. Like I like Denny's. I've been working here for years, but I don't give a shit. Yeah, I guess I'll, I'll take a coffee and I, they just, just if you can communicate to corporate,

they should bring back the birthday slam. I don't really have any, I don't have access to corporate. I'm just a waitress here at nights and I make dresses during the day. You make dresses during the day? Yeah. Like what kind of dresses? Truly any kind, like a lot of ones for dance recitals, but like, I've made some prom dresses. I made one wedding dress, but that did not go well. Yeah. That's boy, that's like a, you got like a whole, this is kind of basically just your side hustle working at Denny's. It sounds like you got a, you got a pretty good operation going on during the daytime. I do. I like, I like working here though, because I get all the moons over my hammy I want. Ah, it's a good dish. I like that Rudy Tutti freshen fruity. Oh, okay. Okay. See,

I'm not really a fruity, fruity person. Give me more of that savory. I live in both worlds, but you know what? I think I just made up my order. I'm going to take the Rudy Tutti freshen fruity. You got it. You got it. I know I asked you this, but it's just you? Nobody's joining you or anything? Yeah, just me, just me solo, you know. Okay. I feel like we have a nice rapport. So don't mind, let me know if I'm going too far, but are you here because you, um, you're divorced from your podcast producer Emma? Sorry, you have to repeat yourself. I was just taking in the architecture, realizing this is one of the Denny's diner locations. Oh my goodness. I was asking you,

are you here by yourself spending Christmas Eve alone into Denny's because you know you're divorced from your podcast producer Emma? It's just they're like 1600 Denny's locations. There are only 40 of them that are Denny's diners. So this is kind of pretty cool. We can get a picture. I'll take your picture in front of whatever arts you think is cool or whatever. I'm just, I feel bad for you. Yeah. I'm sorry, sorry for those tangents. You are, you are correct. I mean, we were never married. Emma just divorced the podcast because it's bad. And I guess that means she quit in the same way that my wife quit our marriage. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. And she's going to drop off your son, you song, who's your former employee, huh?

Okay. Yeah, I mean, that makes sense because look at all these other podcasters and their sons, huh? Yeah, they're all out here. There's Bill Simmons and his podcast son, Nephew Kyle, of course, Sean Clements and Chef Kevin. Yeah. And look over there, it's Scott Ockerman and Chef Kevin. Hey, gotta ask you ever made like a Denny's dress? Oh my God. No. Something to think about. Oh my God. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, hey, hey Janet. Janet, will you cover my shift? I gotta go do that. Holy shit. You, you changed my life, man. You got it. Thank you, Janet. You got it. We kind of sound similar, huh? I mean, Janet. I wouldn't have to go that far. Everybody who works at this Denny's kind of sounds, we all sound kind of like we smoke a lot of

cigarettes, even though we don't. I promise. You got it. Thanks, Janet. Janet's a sweetheart. She is. I'm gonna make her a Denny's dress too. Oh, how about that? Well, hey, good luck to you. I'm glad you found a little business opportunity for yourself. No, thank you. Oh, this is the best Christmas Eve ever. Hey, Wags. Oh, hey, Emma. Are you still going on about that Denny's dress? Yeah, I, I mean, it seems like a good idea. I'm excited. She's excited. Just as long as you don't make Yusong wear it. Anyway, here's Yusong. I'll come pick him up in the morning. Hey, Nick, I gotta ask you a question. Is Mr. Slice gonna visit us tonight?

You mean Mitch? Probably not. No, I mean Mr. Slice, the magical pizza man who delivers pizza to all his friends and family in Los Angeles and Quincy on December 24th. Hi, Yusong. I think you're confused, little buddy. Uh, Mr. Slice isn't real. It's just a dumb nickname that Mitch made up for himself, okay? Like the Spoon Man. It's just there's no Mr. Slice. Back me up here. There's no Mr. Slice. What are you talking about? Mr. Slice visits me every single Christmas. Yeah, that's why I've been leaving out milk and breadsticks every Christmas Eve, Nick. Right. Hey, Yusong, may I, may I make a pitch to really get the slice you want? Yeah, absolutely. Leave out a bowl of ranch dressing. Oh my god. Yeah. I'm gonna get all

the premium pizzas this year. Yes, you are. Detroit style, Chicago style. Thin crust and cut in a lot of little pieces. Yeah, the little pieces. Yeah, bagel bites. Yes. And how dare you, sir? You come here alone on Christmas Eve and you tell this young boy that there is no Mr. Slice. How dare you? How dare you? Oh, you're gonna lecture me? Well, let me tell you something about your employer, okay? Since you're so high and mighty. Okay. One time I ordered from a Denny's, I ordered a takeout. I paid for it. My credit card was charged and when I showed up, that Denny's was permanently closed and I never got refunded for it because I didn't ask for a refund. And I made my podcast partner very mad to the point where he wrote this into the script. Mitch, are we really

doing this? Yeah, keep reading. You think that's funny? Yeah, I do. Those are your corporate values, I guess. Oh, we got you. Yeah, great. That's a real sustainable business plan. We tricked you, you idiot. We knew. We knew that you would never ask for the refund. That's how we make most of our money is banking on people being too afraid to be rude. I hope you get delisted from the Nasdaq. All right, you song. That was a lot of excitement over at the Denny's, but let's just get you tucked in. Here you go and log on to your Twitch stream. Nick, you can be honest with me, is Mr. Slice real or not? You song? No, it's just some bullshit Mitch made up. Mr. Slice is just Mitch. It's always just Mitch. Yeah. Thanks for ruining Mr. Slice's big delivery night, Dad. I mean, Nick,

sorry you're projecting. Again, he's not real, it's Mitch. Oh. Yeah. Good night, happy streaming. Ugh, God, what a night. At least now it's 7 p.m. You song's asleep and streaming is sleep on Twitch.tv slash you underscore song. Time to put on my sunglasses and wind down for bed. What the hell was that? Someone on the roof of my apartment in West LA? Oh, I just go outside. Oh, chilly out here. Hello? Who is that up there on my roof? Mitch, what are you doing way up there? You actually climbed a ladder? Why it's not Mitch, it's me, Mr. Slice. Wow, he does exist. Wow, he does exist.

Huh? What the hell, who are you? I'm Yolo, the M&M guy. Wow, you do exist? Yeah. And you're like, you're like chocolate, you're like made of chocolate with a peanut in the middle? Yeah, I'm like the M&M guy. Huh, how about that? Hey, can I take a selfie? Yeah, sure. Okay, awesome. Great, just yeah, it's a huge fan. Let me just get over close to you here and kind of lean down a little bit. What's dripping on me? Are you drooling? Yeah, you know what, it'll be easier if my mouth is just closer to you for like the framing of the photos, so let me just go over here and try. Hey, if you say so, man. He's sucking me off. I'm outta here, man. Now I'm gonna finish you off.

I don't exist. He was good as hell. Well, that's taken care of. Now I better climb up this ladder and see what Mitch is doing on my roof. Mitch, what are you doing up here? Are you making bar pizzas? Wigs, I told you, it's me, Mr. Slice. I make bar pizzas every year on December 24th and deliver them to the nice children of Spoon Nation. December 24th? Like Christmas Eve? Oh yeah, it is Christmas Eve, weird. You didn't, you never made that connection? Like this is like a thing you do eat and realize it was on Christmas Eve? It's that weird thing of like, you know how sometimes holidays will fall on the same

days? It must be that this year where the Christmas Eve and Mr. Slice's delivery is on the same night, you know what I mean? Yeah, but you're not talking like Flag Day and National Oatmeal Day. Like Christmas Eve is like just before Christmas, arguably the biggest holiday in America. The day that Christmas Eve is on it changes all the time though, right? No, it's always December 24th. Oh, weird. And yours doesn't change either. Yeah, mine's always been the 24th, yeah. Okay, so this is like having like two, like a different holiday also be on Halloween. Like it's like this is the, yours is definitely not the same tier of holiday. I get you, yeah. So like in this scenario,

Mr. Slice delivering pizzas to the good boys and girls of Spoon Nation, that's like Halloween and Christmas Eve is kind of like this new holiday. Oh boy, no, it's quite the, look, we don't need to dwell on this. Well, guess what, yeah. Mr. Slice delivery day is first. It beats it by a day. Okay, all right. This is like playing with a kid. Like you're like, you and a kid are playing make believe. And he's like, he's like, he's like, I got a sword. And then you're like, I got a shield. And then he's like, Oh, but my sword cuts through shields. You know what I mean? He's like, you know that kid when you're playing, playing make believe with. Honestly, can I be real with you?

It just sounds like that kid has a really good sword. Okay. Why are you talking like that anyway? Why? Why? I don't know what you mean. This is how Mr. Slice always talks. Like Santa? Excuse me? Like you like almost exactly like Santa? That's how Mr. Slice talks? Okay, I don't sound like Santa. I sound like Mr. Slice, the bar pizza maker. I mean, it's just such a clear IP infringement. Now let me guess, you think my whole suit, my red fur suit is too much like Santa's? I was going to get to that. Yeah, I do. I mean, you've got some, there's some Mitch affectations to it. You got the Pats hat on and you got some flannel, but you are wearing a red suit and you got some sort of magical vehicle

that you're flying to children's rooftops to deliver them something on December 24th. It's pretty one to one. Oh, hey, keep it up and you're going to be on the naughty list. No bar pizza for you likes. Okay, great. I won't get the thing that I was not expecting to get because they didn't know about it. So it's a big loss for me. Well, you also have to be a member of Spoon Nation to get one. So well, then I'm knowledgeable by default. So well, it's good, you know, now because now people won't make fun of you because it's a thing that like almost everyone knows. I mean, maybe that's true. This is literally the first time hearing about it is from you. So you Mr. Slice saying that it's a big thing that you Mr. Slice or a big deal. So, you

know, again, that's like that's like, that's like if I learned about Tom Cruise by talking to Tom Cruise. It's like I thought other people. Hold on a second. You don't know who Tom Cruise is. That's not what I wasn't the point. I was saying he's well known because other people talk about him and care about it. Let's do some math here. This guy doesn't know Tom Cruise and he doesn't know Mr. Slice. Two of the most well known celebrities in all the world. Who else don't you know, Santa? I already said, you know, I know Santa. I was comparing you to Santa. Oh, you were? Yeah, I was. So he's just saying you're exactly like Santa, except the day you're in your delivery pizza. I think you're so similar.

I think we're very different. So what's the deal? You like you have a like a pizza shop in Quincy and you fly around on a sleigh giving pizza out to people. Is that what's what your deal is? Well, I fly from house to house of the members of Spoon Nation, the ones who are on my nice list. Doesn't always mean that they're good people. There's a lot of bad people on this list, actually. Yeah, I mean Spoon Nation. But I think that they're nice. They're nice to my face is what I mean. Okay. That's what's important. If I don't like them and I like talk shit about them usually, they're on the naughty list. That makes sense. Yeah. Someone's nice if they're nice to you personally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it. So like, you know, like if tomorrow JJ Abrams is

like, Hey, you're a nice guy. I'd be like, Oh, I like him now. And I deliver him a bar pizza. You'd kind of come around despite like you not liking his movies, him being personally nice to you is enough for you for that to win you over. That would be enough. That's all it would take, honestly. Got it. You know, you know, my game wise. I mean, that's human. That's kind of human nature. But anyway, I fly from house to house of the members of Spoon Nation with this brick oven flown by Wally and Irma. Wow, Wally and Irma, I didn't know they were magical. That's right. Very magical. And I deliver pizzas wigs to the good children of Spoon Nation. I got to say, I'm just impressed because this is a lot of work. And this honestly,

this isn't like you. Like this has to be some sort of magical alter ego because the Mitch I know would never pull all this off. Interesting. Well, well, I do make the Christmas special every year. And Sasanama made man bites dog. And so like I'm trying to like put it together like I did the scale. What kind of like big productions have you did the scale? You're going to credit yourself with doing the scale? I did this and Emma. I was there. I did I put together the scale. You had a scale is what you had a scale. I picked out the music. Okay. And I'm just trying to think what big productions have you done? Like I like I like what have you done? Well, first off, I don't know what you mean by Christmas special because this

is just my reality. So this is just a thing that's happening to us. So I'm I don't know what you're referencing. But yes, man bites dog was impressive. It was well done. Let me guess. Every week I put together I put together an intro for the for the restaurant. Oh, that doesn't count. Shut up. That doesn't count. What's your big production? What's my big production is called dough boys. The podcast about chain restaurants is double the patreon. That's my big production. I do dough boys too. Now I sound a lot like you. I was there. I did dough boys too. Anyway, Mr. Slice, we don't need this attitude is not what the season is about. It's about distributing gifts and apparently pizzas bar pizzas to children. So I'm just there's no happiness.

There's no happiness or jolliness with Mr. Slice. It's all business. Yeah, I'm ornery and angry. Got it. Well, you're at least bringing you're and you're kind of pissing me off. But what I'm bringing what you're at least bringing happiness to people by way of little circles of dough with cheese on them. Nick, that makes a lot of sense. You know what? I'm going to get this fresh hot bar pizza out of my delivery bag. And will you hold my fierce strawberry Gatorade for me for one moment please? Yeah, of course. I mean, that pizza does smell good as hell. I got to admit it. Let me just grab this strawberry gate. Hey, no chugs. Don't try to chug it. Okay, I won't chug, I promise. Maybe just a little chug. I said no chugs. Oh, no, I spilled. I spilled. Now I'm

slipping on it. You really spent a long time staggering there. I could have helped. I'm still going. Oh, you're still going. I had so many opportunities. You're still going. Okay. Oh boy. Okay, now I'm gonna reach out. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get your hand away from me. Okay, I tried. Boy, I guess I now know what I would do in such a high pressure situation, which is just freeze. I watched him fall to his death, which by the way, what a thud. It's like a, it's like a cannon going off. Oh no, the fierce strawberry Gatorade bottle is rolling off the roof and it's gonna land right.

That's what finally did him in. Oh my God, Mitch, my podcasting partner and one of my only friends is dead. Huh. That's really something. Well, I better collect his Doughboyz credit card so no one steals it. Let me just go ahead and dig through his corpse, open up his wallet. Okay. Driver's license, SAG AFTRA card. I'll hang on to this. Oh, what's this card say? The Mitchie Clause. If anything should happen to me, put on my pats hat and flannel shirt and jeans. Wally and Irma will do the rest. Wally and Irma? The fuck? Hello, Nick. Hi, Wiger. Are you ready to join us?

Join you? Yes. Join us. Me, Irma, and my- Me, Wally. You cats can talk. I've never seen this behavior. I've been around you a lot and Mitch's place in Palmerston, but I didn't know you could talk. Normally, he drugs us so we can't around other people and then we fall asleep and something happens. Don't worry, it was consensual. We wanted him to drug us. What? Ever since we were kittens. And he killed our mom to adopt us as his own. He ran her over in the street. It's a complicated situation. This doesn't sound like the Mitch I know.

Emotionally and, uh, logistically. And physically. Right, yeah. I know he loves animals so much that maybe he was racked by guilt after killing your mom that he felt like he had to take care of you. Yeah, the first time he ran her over was an accident, but then he just backed up and put her out of her misery. Repeatedly backed up and went forward and backed up and went forward. Is Mitch going to let this stay in? Because I know he's so like, there's certain things that he just won't joke about, like going to hell and then also like hurting animals. So like, I wonder if this will be a thing where he'll be like,

hey, can this, like, I'll actually keep this in or if this will all go. I don't know. We'll find out when we listen to it later. Yeah, fine. It can stay in, but it's not true. Uh, well, Wally and Irma, I mean, unfortunately, as you saw, your, your father, Mitch, has passed away. Why did you kill Papa? Why did you kill Papa? Who will give us pets now? Well, I guess that falls to me. I can pet you here. I bet I can pet you real good. There you go. Your nails are too short.

Oh, you're going the wrong way. He's sorry. I'm not a really cat guy from head to tail. We'll never fail. Let's stop tugging our ears. Cat guy or not. It's a weird thing. You should just know as a human not to pick up two cats. You don't like that. No, no. Trust me. No, try again later. Look, I'm sorry. I just, it was an accident. This is going to affect me as much as it affects you. I mean... But we loved him. We loved him. Give us a time to mourn. Did you hate him? Was it a hate crime?

No, I mean, I didn't hate him. We certainly had our issues professionally, but he was a good friend of mine. And did the issues boil over into homicide? You killed our Papa. Frankly, I don't care for the implication that I did this on purpose. This was an accident. You think I want this? You think I want the responsibility of caring for Wally and Irma? You think I want the responsibility of me being Mr. Slice, whatever that means? Well, hate to break it to you, but as much as you might have disliked Mitch, you are slowly going to become him. You will transform into Mr. Slice. He'll take on his duties and physically transform as well.

I know. Beards. More beards and physical changes, yes. Just put on his pats hat, his flannel shirt, his New England Revolution underwear, and his jeans. And put on his underwear. Yeah, put it on. Oh, no, this is disgusting. This is sick. I'm gonna put on my dead friend's clothes. Hey, did you see the Santa Claus? Yeah, like a long time ago, like when I was a kid. Okay, that's what we're doing. That's what we're doing. So you gotta wear his underwear.

Yeah, you read the clause. You're legally obligated to follow it. That's what we're doing. That's how you, that's what we're doing. We're doing the Santa Claus, like in our reality. Pretty much. Yeah, yeah. Yes, hop on board or go. Just, that's what we're doing. I mean, I guess it's a useful point of reference. We understand that you kill Santa, you have to be Santa. It's the same principle with Mr. Slice. Now I have to be him. Exactly. Hey, too late to cancel your Patreon now. You subscribed, you're paying for this. Anyway, so you are Wally and Irma, your Mitch's talking cats, and I guess you help him be Mr.

Slice? What the hell is that about? Yes, we fly from house to house and help him deliver bar pizzas. Wow. Yes, and did you see the card? You saw the card, yes. Yeah, that's what I was reading for earlier. It's the card, the card. Now you're familiar with the Mitchie Claus. And not Claus like our Claus. No. And also not, not Claus like Santa Claus. It's C-L-A-U-S-E. Three different spellings for Claus. So you just grab onto our tails, Irma's tail in your left hand, my tail in your right. Okay. And we'll fly through the air and you just sort of, kind of like in a Superman pose behind us

as we fly through the air dragging you along. Yeah, and gradually you're going to slowly turn into Dr. Slice, to Mr. Slice. Wait, you said Dr. Slice? Me and Wally, we go and see a Dr. Slice everywhere. He's a veterinarian. Yeah, that's your veterinarian. Just coincidentally has the same name, yeah. Got it. So you got confused for a second. Yeah, and believe me, you don't want a veterinarian with the last name, Slice, in terms of spading or neutering. Yeah, that makes, yeah. That sounds, that's a, well, look, this is, I'm learning on the job. I'm figuring that all this out. I've just killed my friend and podcast co-host and your, uh,

papa. But we have a job to do. And I guess the only way to honor his legacy is for me to grab on to each of your tails and strap this brick oven to my back. Exactly. Yes. You're kind of taking Mitch's death in stride. Like you seem kind of unfazed by that. There's good and bad things about it for us. Yeah, as we said, it's complicated. And also, our grief is complicated for him as well. Right. Maybe right now you're just kind of in the moment. You haven't processed it fully, you know, still in work mode. Yeah. We like, I mean, he fed us food a lot. We liked that, but we didn't like what he mixed drugs with the food. Yeah. Right. I wouldn't like that either. He's always talking shit about his friends too.

Wait, really? Yeah. And we hear it. He thinks no one else can hear it, but he's always just talking shit about all of his friends. You'd be surprised to even know he considers them friends the way he talks about them. I'm just saying, I'm glad I'm not in the birthday boys. Those guys, he just is constantly ripping on them. Those guys are like the nicest, most harmless guys on earth. Yeah, but they're not the tomorrow war crew. Oh, he went Hollywood. That's what happened. It's all about Chris and Sam, you know, those are his guys now. Chris Van Artsdale and Take a Hike, Chris Pratt, come on board. Exactly. Yeah. He thinks Dave Ferguson sucks shit. Oh my God, poor Ferguson. Poor Fergusson. We think the same thing we like Dave.

We love Dave, but he once walked, Mitch walked over to our litter box and pointed out one of our poops and he said, this reminds me of Dave for a turd, son. Oh my God. It's so insulting. And he, and Dave's been nothing but good to Mitch. Exactly. And then I remember right after that, it was a Wednesday, so you know what that means. We have to watch him take a bath. You have to watch him take a bath? He made us watch him take a bath every Wednesday. Like he locked you in the bathroom? Yeah. He made us sit in the sink. I mean, he's probably just taken like, like, though he probably just wants some companionship from his two, you know, roommates. It's probably just something to keep him company. I'm sure he's

not doing anything weird in there. He kisses the bar of soap. Oh, it says scrub a dump dump. Well, if you want to grab onto our tails, yeah, we'll just go ahead and do that. Yeah, let's deliver some pizzas. Yeah, go on in there and deliver a pizza. Yeah, we'll just be outside here on the roof. Okay, let's see. I put on a little COVID weight, but let me try to shimmer down this chimney real quickly. What the fuck are you doing? Yeah, you're just, you can use the door or a window. You're being weird. You don't need to go down a chimney. Right. There were so many Santa, like, sort of one to one. Like, I was just kind of doing the math of like, what would Santa do? Because Mr. Slice seems so much like Santa,

who has so much established lore. Yeah, honestly, yes. I was like, okay. I guess it is on our, it's on us a bit that we landed on the roof. Yeah. This is actually less convenient than if you'd landed on the street level if I'm just going to go through the door. But we're not blameless. I get it, but you don't need to use the chimney. It's also, it's a dumb move on your perspective. No. Well, let's not belabor it. All right. I didn't know what was going on. It's my first delivery. I'll just do my best. Let me just, I'll just, just climb down the rain gutter real quick and I'll, I'll climb into the house. Whoa, be careful. The rain gutter is slippery. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He made it. He made it. He made it. Oh, look a rat. Let's eat it.

Deep down. It's always our desire to eat vermin. This rat's delicious. Oh, I like it when the vein pops in my teeth. Yeah, the brain oozes out. This show is brought to you by better help. You know, Mitch, I learned something new about myself recently. I learned I can stick to a bedtime routine. I can go to the bed at bed at the same time and wake up at the same time every day and stick to that because getting to know yourself can be a lifelong process, especially because we're always growing and changing, especially in recent years. That's right, Wags. Therapy is all about deepening your self-awareness and understanding because sometimes we don't know what we want or why we react the way we do until we talk through

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pizza. What the hell? This kid left out a bowl of ranch for Mr. Slice. Don't mind if I do. Ooh, creamy. Hello? Who's there? Ah, hey, it's me, Mr. Slice, I guess. But your weight, it's exactly the same. I wouldn't say exactly, but why does that raise a flag? It's just that it's all in your ass. It's like compacted in there, but in a big way. All right, look, for the purposes of tonight. I'd love to look, but I can't see past that fat ass.

Let's just move on. Well, however you want to refer to my dairy air. I'm going to call it a tank ass, because that's exactly what it is. It's like you could get a whole army in there. Kapow, that thing's not going to blow sturdy as can be. It's actually a body type. A lot of people aspire to these days. Anyway, muscular way, more like a piled on way. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean. Look, for the purposes of tonight, I'm Mr. Slice. You know, the spoon man, the artist formerly known as Spoon Papa Gino. And I have a pizza for you. Wait a minute. I don't believe you. Mr. Slice is big and Jolene has friends. You seem like I'm the first person you've ever talked to.

I have friends. What are their names? My wife is my friend. Your wife's your only friend. She's my closest friend. No way. Spoon man would never have a wife. He would never date anybody. That's his whole thing. You better step back or I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna slice that rump off with this knife. Don't threaten me with that sharp implement. Please put it down. Look, I don't know why a small child is carrying around a blade like this, but please, I promise I come in peace. Peace of what? Pizza? You think Zah is gonna stop me from calling the cops on that little rumpa dump dump? I actually meant peace P-E-P-E-A-C-E. But you did turn into a nice little pun there. Because it is, it is a gesture of peace in terms of being a piece

of pizza. So yeah, that's what I bring. But wait a minute. What's wrong with your face? It's usually so hard to see if you're seeing me. My eyes are small and squinty as they always are. It just looks different up close. Yeah, but also you're so clean and everything. Usually everything about you is a dump. In Mr. Slice's defense, being myself, I'm Mr. Slice is pretty hygienic. I think I've never had an issue where I've been like next to Mr. Slice and been like P-U, you know? Yeah, right. He reeks like a thousand butts and that's why we love him. Look, do you want your pizza or not? Yeah, I do. What's on it? Why your favorite toppings, of course. I know that intuitively.

You mean you got me a dad on my pizza? No, it's more literal minded than that. It's ham and pineapple. I know you like Hawaiian pizza. Even better! All right, you're happy about that. Okay, well look, I'm gonna go. And hey, easy with the knife thing. You could hurt somebody. The only thing I'm hurting is people's self-esteem. That's true. You did make me feel like shit. Well, goodbye. Wait, tell your wife I say not bad.

I'll do that. Let me just squeeze up your chimney now. Oh, you can just use the front door. Okay. God, I haven't climbed really anything in so long. Wally, Irma, I did it. I delivered a pizza. One pizza. Big deal. That's just the beginning. You got to do that all the time. Yeah. Oh, we asked you to do it and you did it. Bravo. Okay, I get that. I got to do this a lot, but maybe a little positive reinforcement. I mean, it just, this is a lot for me.

Okay, okay. Congratulations. You didn't screw it up, I guess. That's pretty passive aggressive. Yeah. Look, just what do I have to do next? I guess I got to keep going with this, right? Well, to prove to us that you'd make a great Mr. Slice, you got to deliver some more pizzas. But for now, it's time to get you back to the North Pole. I mean, the North Quincy Pole. Right. North Quincy Pole for Mitch Slas, Mr. Slice. That makes sense. Yeah, it does. Yeah, I understand that. I don't need an explanation. All right. Well, I guess here we go.

Well, here we are, the North Quincy Pole. Hey, just a word of warning. Don't act effeminate in this area. Okay. Just, it could get you into trouble at these parts. Yeah. No, I got you. Yeah. And also, take it from my experience. Don't wear a Yankees cap. Right. I wouldn't have done that anyway, but that's just, this is, this is just good common sense advice for this neighborhood. All right. Well, I guess I'll go inside the North Quincy Pole,

tie you guys up out here and see you in a bit. Yep. Didn't make sure to tie the, tie it up really tight. So we're almost choking. I don't want to do that. Okay, fine. Do some Nazi-learned-and-boy scouts. Here we go. Good, good. Fucking sick freak. Oh, yeah. Glad Mitch drugged you. Fucking sick. Wow. This must be Mr. Slice's workshop. Look at all this stuff.

All right, elves. Keep your fucking asses moving. All right. Remember, we're sewing dough boys' t-shirts into triple XL flannels. So it's just one easy slip on for fucking Mr. Slice. Oh, Mr. Slice. Way less smiley and way thinner. You must be the new Mr. Slice. I'm fucking Dan O'The Elf, dude. So, Mitchie finally fucking kicked one, huh? Yeah. And I put all his clothes on. Wow. I can't tell if you're fucking sad about this or happy about this. Honestly, I can't, I'm over here, man. I'm down here. Look at me in the fucking, okay, hello. Yeah. Look, what the fuck happened to Mitch? Sorry, I'm just getting a sense of this workshop. This place is kind of gross. It's fucking disgusting, dude. Don't touch that fucking

treadmill. We got six inches of fucking dust on that fucking thing. So what happened, Mitchie's little fucking thing that pulls him up the stairs that he sits on on the railing that he had fucking broken. He had to take a flight to the dome and that knocked him the fuck out. Oh, Jesus Christ. I knew this fucking guy. He keeps a fucking wild ass hard working fucking schedule, dude. He's got that fucking Boston pride. He fucking works hard, dude. Mitch? Fuck, Mr. Slice? Mr. Slice himself, bro. He's up that fucking noon. Takes me in fucking Micastiel, fucking 20, 25 minutes to get his fucking CPAP machine off his fucking big ass head. Refuses to buy one built for bears. They make them for fucking bears when they're hibernating so they don't fucking die in

their sleep. He won't use that when he wants to insist on using a human one and fucking, we have to vaseline his head up and fucking jam it in there, dude. But luckily, Micastiel is fucking strong as an ox. He could fucking pull it right off. And why'd you put his clothes on? They're fucking huge on you, dude. Well, yeah, I mean, that's apparently the Mr. Slice clause, the Mitchie clause. I, because I killed him, I now have his responsibility and powers. Oh fuck, you fucking killed him? Dude, you're fucking ice cold. Holy shit, above average intelligence, decent looking, white 40-ish male with no reaction. Can you just tell me what happened to all your household pets growing up one by one? Give me all the fucking results of those poor saps lives. They, they died,

Daryl passed away, Daryl the dog. And you had a fucking turtle too, the one that died from a cum tribute. You fucking filled its tank up with cum and a drowned and you were like, I thought they were fucking amphibious. I had a couple of turtles, one ran away and one shredder ran away and chip, yes chip, I'm not sure. Chip did not drown in a jar full of ejaculate. That's not what happened. I'm not sure where you heard that rumor from. I'm not sure that's circulated. It's not true. I don't know, fucking Mr. Slice was always fucking talking about this. He said, shredder ran away once he saw the fucking cum. Once he saw you, he referred to it as minority reported chip, which I guess meant like the pre-cog solution that they're in. I didn't

fucking understand his reference. He's clearly just fucking on Plex all day watching fucking movies. No, yeah, like a full pool of like a giant pool of white liquid, semi-translucent white liquid. I will say though afterwards, chip could predict murders. So fuck dude, fucking chip became a fucking pre-cog dude. Did he predict Mr. Slice's death? Did he pre-cog it? Well, chip was a she and chip did sit up out of the tank at one point and just go murder. But I don't know, thinking back on it, there were a lot of this circumstantial, like there was like, I was seeing a roof. I was seeing someone slip on some Gatorade and then fall a great, so that all that kind of lines up with how Mitch is ultimately met his end. So that makes fucking sense. Be careful though. You know you

can get fucking pregnant from pre-cog. You gotta be careful. That's a rumor. That's a myth. That's an urban myth. Okay. Oh, holy shit. You're fucking filling up. That fucking size nine and three quarter fitted was loose on you a couple of seconds ago. And now it's so tight, it's scrunching your eyes. You're starting to fucking look like Mr. Slice. Yeah, my neck is really hurting. I don't, I'm having trouble staying upright. Look, let me give you a rundown of what fucking happens down here. Okay. We keep to, we keep to Mr. Slice's schedule, so it might be easy for you to just transition. Fucking follow in his fucking size 15 footsteps. And if you have any trouble getting the fucking human size CPAP machine off, you know, me and Mike just could come up there,

lube up your fucking head whenever and just slip it out like we've been doing. But I don't think it's gonna be as much as an issue for you. You have, you have a normal fucking size head. And honestly, that's the only normal vibe I'm getting from you, pal. I feel fucking unsettled. Why is that? I think we're having a nice time. We're hanging out. I fucking wrote a bus once with fucking Richard Ramirez and I fucking said this guy's a fucking sicko. And I don't even know who he was until I saw his fucking drawing on this. And I'm getting the fucking same use you do comedy. You're not like any of the fucking comedians. I mean, you're like a few of them like fucking Louis CK and fucking Delia.

Well, you're like a few of these guys. Okay. I know if you got to meet some of these fucking elves, dude, you got to love this one. This is fucking woody elf. This is fucking Mike is the elf. And here we go. Let me introduce you to one of the fucking best we got right here. This, this fucking chucklehead, this big fucking look at this fucking Muppet headed fucking B cup titty having big fucking smooth baby belly. I mean, this is fucking gabris the elf. Give it up for this fucking freak. Hey, it's me, gabris, the number one fuck boy. I love long island. This fucking guy's got two gimmicks. You pull a string out of his ass and he says these three fucking lines. He needs a new act. We know where you're from. We know where you're from, dude.

All right. I'm from fucking North Quincy. You're from fucking go back to fucking whatever you guys call it down there to South Shore. That's not the South Shore. I bet you got one of them tattoos about North Quincy. I got on the inside of my bicep. I got North Quincy. This is actually this is the storm drain that leads down to mom's basement, which is what we call the North Quincy pole factory. Hey, Robert Persinger, the drop king. You're a Quincy elf too. Hey, that's right, Nick. I'm in charge of feeding wally Nerma and making drops, of course. Good for you. Oh, I almost forgot the most important fucking elf of them all, dude. Mrs. Slice. Mrs. Slice Mitch is married. Oh, fuck. No, dude. Are you fucking kidding me?

We're not fucking sitting Shiva down here. He just put these sheets over the mirrors. I don't fucking know why he did. He didn't even know he was going to die. I mean, we all knew he was going to die. We just didn't know fucking when Mrs. Slice is his fucking mom, dude. It's his fucking mom. It's his fucking roommate, his mom. He's her tenant and she's his landlord. It's fucking complicated up in this fucking house, dude. Well, I guess I better go meet her and tell her her son is dead. She's a fucking angel. You tell Mrs. Slice that Dano says hello, okay? I'll pass that along, Dano. Thanks for the orientation. Thanks for showing me the ropes. Hey, quick question. Fire away, bro. Which bus were you on with Richard Ramirez? Because I like

the bus. Oh, fucking hey, dude. See, I fucking knew it. You said I like the bus and that's the first time I saw you smile since you fucking walked into this workshop. You're a sick fuck, but honestly, the other Mrs. Slice was a sick fuck too. He just had better social skills. So you're just fucking, you're perfect. You'll eventually crack open and start fucking engaging with people. I trust you. You're going to have a fucking blast up there. Oh, and be careful. She's fucking handsy, dude. Okay, I'm going to go tell her son's dead. Thanks, Dano. Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael. Oh, Michael, I've been lonely. You're finally back. Oh, it's time for my favorite part of the night. Tucking you in. Tucking me in. Hi, Mrs. Mitchell.

You're not Michael. You're not. Your eyes, they're big and dead. And that high, that was robotic. What is this? It's an AI in my house. What is this? What happened? I am a man. I am a human man. But I have some unfortunate news to tell you. Your son passed away because I killed him. Oh, no. What will my life be? What would it be like without my son? I won't have to make dinner for a 40-year-old man. Oh, who will I buy cans of tuna fish for? Who will I toast white bread for and then put the can of tuna fish that I mixed with mayonnaise and other ingredients? Oh, I'm very sorry. Let me console you. They're there. They're there. No, Michael would never console me like that. The way Michael consoles me is by taking

his meaty hands and wiping away my tears and honking on my titty. Wait, what? He takes his hand and he just slaps my face and slaps the tears away. Is that what you were questioning? No, that already was a little weird, but it was kind of tender and sweet. But the second part, the follow-up to that? You wipe away your tears and then? And then he hugs me. I don't know what you heard. I heard, and maybe this is me imagining things. I heard you say honk on my titty. Who? What mother would say that? That's what I heard, so I'm probably projecting my own thing onto this, but that's what I heard. Oh, you robotic man, I'm heartbroken. I truly wish you were a human man named Michael, my Michael. I'm confused, you just grew a beard.

Your eyes, they've gotten squinty. I can't see any part of your eye. Who said that? I can't see. I said it, this woman here. Oh, you also got skinnier. Okay, that's too far. Mitch isn't skinnier than me. This is fine, I get that we're making a joke here about me gaining a lot of weight this year during quarantine, but Mitch is still heavier than me, so let's just stick to the script. I get what you're doing, but stick to the script, Wags. Fine. Skinnier again? What? Huh, I'm not sure, I'm not sure. Okay, now I'm confused. I'm not sure what happened that time. Oh, maybe, maybe you should look down there and check your pants. Oh no, something got skinnier

all right. I'm becoming like Mitch down there. No! That no, yep, yes, that's the Mitch penis size I know. Susserota. What is going on here? Wow, I look just like Mitch and I gotta admit, I look good as hell. You do. Oh, Lord Jesus, you do. I'm so happy to have my Michael back. Oh my goodness, we're gonna do so many things. We're gonna play hide the pickle. I'll make your pigs in a blanket. I'll make you all the tuna sandwiches you want. I'll rub your back with that aioli you like. You could, you could finally honk on my titty again. Okay, there it is. That's what I thought I heard earlier. Heard what? I honestly don't want to say it back to you, because it's weird now, because now I'm your son. You are my son. Yes. You can say what you want to

your mother. Honk on your, your titty. Oh, wow. Music to my mommy ears. Oh, God. What? What was that? No, no, no, no, no, no. I can't take much more of this. I'm a nice lady. Someone's on the roof, Michael. Go check and see who it is and don't tell him to come in. Ah, fine. Go up on the roof. That's my Michael always complaining. Just get that aioli ready for when I get back. I can't believe I have to climb up onto a roof again. Oh, God. Oh, wait, there's someone up here. Hello? Oh, it's me, Santa. Wait, so Santa exists in this universe too? Of course Santa exists. He does exist. Oh, hey. Red Eminem? Yeah, it's me, Red. Yeah, I met your friend earlier. Uh,

yellow? Yeah, I met yellow. Yeah, great. How's yellow doing? Uh, let's just say we got along pretty well as I pat my stomach here. Why, why are you patting your stomach? You'll see. Why don't you pay your friend a visit? They ain't just going to eat him like that? He's an Eminem. Yeah, we talk though. That makes it, that makes it different. I mean, it's just that whatever. It's just that's what they do. It's in the commercials. They talk. They're still candy. They do exist. They do exist. Listen, I got presents. You do? Yeah. Wow, for the Mitchell family? For Mitch. I got presents for Mitch. For Mitch, that's me, of course.

Mr. Slice. You? Uh, yeah, yeah, that's right. Mitch would never eat the Eminems. Are you sure? You look like Nick to me. I guess I can't slip one past you, Santa. Uh, yeah, it's me, Weiger. I, Mitch, Mr. Slice had a tragic end and I kind of took on his legacy and decided to become him so that the children of the world would get his delicious pizza. Well, that's nice of you. That's nice of you. Thank you. I guess I got presents for you then. Wow, okay. Yeah. I like being on that nice list. Uh, I don't have presents for Nick. Mitch is on the nice list. Okay. I don't have presents for Nick. Nick is on the naughty list. Wait a minute. Yeah. What, how did, how, was, did you get some wires

crossed up at the North Pole? How did that happen? No, all the wires are very straight up there. I have elves that handle the wires. Well, how did, how did Weiger end up on the naughty list? Because you ate those damn Eminems. They talk. They're basically people. And you, you personally witnessed me doing that to one of them at least. Yeah. I can't imagine what you did to the other one. That's how you got that one down. Also, you were responsible for Mitch's death, weren't you? Yeah. I mean, it was an accident, but I have a hard time believing it was an accident. Well, yeah, I don't think I have murder in my heart, do you?

Yeah, I do. I think you do. I think you have murder in your heart and mind and body and soul. You think I could kill my longtime collaborator and friend in cold blood? I've listened to the show. Okay. Yeah. Wait, you have? Yeah. I've listened to it. Santa, are you Spoon Nation? I'm Spoon Nation. Oh my goodness. Heidi Ho. Oh, this is a lot to take. I guess you do have a lot of downtime, you know, navigating your slant. I got a ton of downtime. I got, you know, how much downtime? I can get all my deliveries done on Christmas in the time it takes y'all to do

one episode. I don't think your episodes are quite that long. Maybe you're just that efficient. They're super long. I've listened. I still listen to the whole thing, though. Do you listen to other podcasts? Yeah. What else you got in your feed? I listen to Comedy Bang Bang World. Yeah, I got to get on that. I got to get behind that paywall. You haven't listened to anything until you listen to Scott Hasn't Seen. You know what they distance, stays in character throughout that episode, the podcast apparently? He's doing Sprog the Whisperer.

I know first hand. Wait, you bet. You know first hand? I mean, yeah, because I'm Santa. Right. I know everything first hand. I listen to Hollywood Handbook. Those boys, they're real. Oh, yeah. They're a real cold piece of work, ain't they? Have you thought about like, do you think if you went on Hollywood Handbook, the guys would still roast you, Santa? Probably. They roast anybody and anything. They don't take no prisoners. Pretty brutal. No, they don't. They suffer no fools.

Do you ever listen to like a Santa related podcast? Yeah, it's called Santerio. It's a cereal for elves that get killed and we try to figure out which elves got killed. Oh my goodness. Oh, wow. See, man, I got to deliver a present to Tacky Chan's house. He's a state legislator. Tacky Chan? Tacky Chan. You're not, that's not like a, that sounds like someone's character

based off of Jackie Chan. It's not his character. His name is Tacky Chan. That honestly sounds like someone who would be on Comedy Bang Bang, like Tacky Chan, a tacky version of Jackie Chan. Don't roast him. He and Donald Wong were the first Asian Americans elected to the Massachusetts General Court. Okay, retract that. All right. And he's born and raised in Wallaceton. Born and raised in Wallaceton. Well, good for Tacky.

Mitch knew him. Mitch knew Tacky Chan and you killed him. I bet he did. Yeah. Man. Hey, what about those other podcasters? Who? Are, are Ackerman and the boys, are they all on the naughty list? Oh no. Those are, they're all on the niceness. They're all getting gifts. Man, it's really just me. Hayes does so much work for the homeless community.

Yeah, that's true. And Sean's got two beautiful children. Yeah. And a dog, a cool dog. And Scott Ackerman is, is the podfather. What about Joe Rogan? Rogan's got to be on the naughty list. He's on the naughty list. Okay. He's on the naughty list, but he's not getting cold.

He's getting a horse dewormer. Well, he'd like that. Oh yeah. You're, I'm gonna, I'm gonna put, I'm gonna put some salt in it. Okay. Make it nasty. Like Tyga said, I got to get over to Eastern Nazarene College. Man, have you ever tried to deliver presents in, in, in this city? I mean, no. In Quincy. First of all, they call it Quincy and there's no Z in it.

Yeah. That's a thing I've had to adapt to. I hate coming to this place. Yeah. They got Quincy College. Oh my God. They got 12 elementary schools. You know how many kids that is? Emilio Della, Chesa Early Childhood Center, Atherton Ho, Beechwood Noel,

Charles A, Bernazani, Clifford Marshall, Lincoln Hancock Community, Marymount, Montclair, Francis W. Parker, Snug Harbor, Squandum. Didn't Mitch show you this on his tour? Probably. And you weren't grateful bastard. You killed him. Yeah. I guess I didn't really appreciate the time we even spent together. I was so often on my phone.

Didn't he show you Quincy Homestead too? He did show me Quincy Homestead. Did he show you the, the, my sweat is set, huh? Uh, maybe. What about John Woodruff Jr.'s iron furnace? You show you that? Yeah. I mean, he was actually really big on that furnace. He was talking up that furnace all week.

Well, I got news for you. It doesn't light up anymore. And it's very cold in this town. Man, you really do know everything, don't you? I know. I make a list and I check it twice. But I'm a good memorizer. I have good memorizing skills. I thought it was the only, it would be the only one of us who knew all of Quincy's public schools off the top of his head. But you do too.

I do too. That's where the kids be. And I'm saying the clothes. Anyway, I got Mitch Gift Cards to the Wendy's on Southern Artery. That's a good Wendy's. I got him a gift card to Taco Bell KFC on Hancock Street. The McDonald's on Southern Artery. The Five Guys on Hancock Street. I got him, I got him the Burger King on Adam Street. I got him a gift card to there.

And I got him a woodworking kit. Wow. Because he's really been wanting to get in there. I also got him a Detroit style pizza paint. Wow. He would have loved those, but I guess those are mine now. I guess they are. I guess they are. Hey, do me a favor and hold this Mountain Dew.

Okay. By the last I got from Taco Bell. Hold this while I unload the rest of these presents. I got a lot of stuff that's going right here. Yeah, sure no problem. I got a steady hand on the tiller. Here we go. But, whoa.

Oh. Oh no. I'm slipping. I'm dying. Oh no. He fell because I spilled. Santa is dead. That's sad.

Real bummer. People love that guy. Children around the world. Boy, people are going to be disappointed. And I caused it. Anyway, it's cold out. Might as well put on his suit. Ah, you're gross.

You going to put on my suit? I've been sweating in this. Well, you're not using it. Wait, are you still alive? No. Okay. Well, then stop complaining. You're not using it anyway.

I might use it in heaven. Santa goes to heaven. I'm a Christian. You know what I'm thinking? Naughty or nice is kind of just like heaven and hell on earth. It's the same principle. Yes. The cold that we put in naughty stockings

comes from the fire pits of hell. No way. You didn't know that? I had no idea. I'm dead. Okay. All right, P. Hey, what's this in the front pocket?

The Santa Claus? I wonder if that's like the Michi Claus. I'm going to be Santa, too. I got to go to the North Pole. Need a ride? We'll take you. Grab on to our tails. Yeah, I do.

Let me grab your tails. All right, here we go. Make sure the compass is pointing to N. It is. That's what we're going through North. That's all the direction we need. Off to N. Full steam ahead.

Wow. Look at the S traveling behind us. See you later, S. Yeah, bye, Mighty S. All right. Here we are. The North Pole. It's cold here.

Do you cats want to come inside where it's nice and toasty and worried about you in the Arctic? Hey, listen to this cool dude. You cats want to go inside? Yeah. The old Mr. Slice would never ask us how we were feeling or worried about if we were cold. Yes, thank you.

No, we'll stay out here. Okay. I won't be too long. I just got to see what this Santa Claus is all about. Oh, okay. Thanks for the update. Jesus Christ. What's the attitude?

I'm trying to accommodate you. Wally. Wally, am I wrong? No, no, it's not. I mean, look, we're a little arratic because we're on drugs. Okay, right. We found Mrs. Stash and we've been snorting from it. Oh, now you're addicted to it.

God, what a tragic cycle. Look, just stay out here. I won't be too long. And I'll find out what the Santa Claus is all about and I'll be right back. Okay. Meow. Meow.

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I put it in a glass of water. I mix it up. I drink it down and I'm good for the day. That's why I gave AG1 a try. Mitch, you take AG1 in the morning before working out. How does it make you feel? Wigs, I take AG1 in the morning. I mix it with some water.

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Because you murdered Santa, you're Santa now too. So that means you're not only Mr. Slice, but also Santa. Double duty, baby. Get ready. It's not going to be easy. And you are not equipped for this. You're going to fucking fail. Ha, Santa and Mr. Slice.

My beard. It's turning white. Whoa. And my weight. Pretty much staying the same. Almost seems as though it's gone down a few pounds, if anything. Which is, I don't know if I'd say that. Should be concerning for you.

You should look into that. Maybe see a doctor or do something. It's incredible. You look so much like Santa now, only not happy, not joyful, not cheery. You look scary, terrifying, predatory. Hmm. Well, this is just kind of my default disposition. All right?

This is just what I look like. Your resting face is haunted. Your resting face wigs is evil, is kind of what comes through. Well, I have certain misdeeds that I've done in the recent past, and maybe that's what you're reading on my bag. That is true. It is curious that a murderer has become Santa. But listen, this is the hand you've been dealt, so you've got to do it.

Now, I feel like I have to tell you this specifically. You shouldn't go around murdering people just to take their powers. All right. Well, it does seem like a pretty powerful trait. I know now that you know the equation, it's going to seem really attractive. Especially if you see someone demonstrate a power that you would like. It's going to occur to you. I could murder them and then have that power.

Don't do it. Like if I had a sniper rifle and like Shaq was nearby, I'd just be like, man. Well, first you'd have to murder a sniper, you know. That's true. And hope that their power set includes the rifle. I don't think actually your example doesn't work. So you can't murder someone and get a sniper rifle. You could murder say Marvel character Bullseye and have perfect aim.

You though would still need to go and buy a sniper rifle. Do you not get, do I need to explain this? I guess I would probably leaned on the Mega Man thing too heavily because they're like, he will, you know. I'm going to be honest. I don't know Mega Man. Okay. All right.

So let's what I think I see the problem here with Highlander. Sure. There can only be one. Yes. Highlander. Okay. So it's less about someone's equipment and more about their abilities. With you, it's always about your equipment.

Okay. We don't need to get into that. I'm just saying that's, that could you, who knows, that could be your quote, unquote sniper rifle. Take the shot. Unfortunately, now that I'm Mr. Slice, I kind of have mitch's equipment. If you catch. Oh no.

Yeah. Oh, it's a Christmas nightmare. Kind of went from the SUV to the smart car. So. Oh my God. To a moped. Yeah. You went from an, you went from an escalade to a bird scooter.

It's, it's fine. It's okay. Got bigger issues, but I'm not okay. You know, it sounds like you got smaller issues, if I'm being honest. Look, you're, you're correct. I should not go around murdering people just because I can do this and because I can't. So I will resist the temptation. Resist the temptation to murder just to gain powers, but also remember,

you always have to be jolly. That's Santa's whole thing. And I got to be honest with you. You are the least likable Santa I've ever seen. Yeah. I mean, I, I not going to fight you on that. Yeah. No, you are like a, you have the vibes and personality of

like bizarro Santa, like the inverse Santa, the unsanta. Like parents hold their kids a little tighter when I'm walking by that kind of Santa. Yeah. I mean, that might just be what happens normally. You know, when you're walking through the mall or something, something you're familiar with, parents clutching their kids close to them when you walk by, knowing somehow instinctually that danger is afoot. The way that animals in the wild can sense a predator.

Do you know I put my passport photo up on one of those celebrity lookalike sites once you know who came up? Who? Jeffrey Dahmer. Wow. His mug shot. Bragg. Cool flex, Wags.

I'm just saying, like, I get what you're saying that, that that's kind of what I embody and for you, we're not going to respond to that. For you, was that aspirational? No, I mean, I guess, though, now we have something in common. We've both taken multiple lives. I was just going to say, you're both now mass murderers. Kind of mass.

Well, I mean, one of them occurred in Massachusetts. True. Once you kill in Massachusetts, you're a mass murderer. That's how that works. A mass murderer. Hey, Zooks, what do you think you'd say your power is? My power is, you know what, Wags, it's none of your goddamn business. OK.

What my power is, you know? I see what you're doing. I see what you're up to, and I'm not going to give you access. I'm not going to get, oh, how about my power is constant diarrhea. Oh, which you now have because you've absorbed the powers of Mr. Slice. OK. Be very careful. Don't absorb the powers of Gabriel as well.

Otherwise, you'll never stop having diarrhea. I'm not going to kill Gabriel or anybody, all right? I've killed two people accidentally. I love that you're saying accidentally, even though nobody believes it was accidentally. You know, once the Spoon Man is dead, all eyes are on you, Wags. What motive would I have to kill my podcast partner? I mean, there is literally years of canon of you saying you are going to. The only thing that hasn't happened is your own suicide.

OK, fair. I hard to argue with that. What would happen if I killed myself? Rejoicing? Probably all the Christmas carols and everything would just become about this joyous occasion. I didn't mean it like that. I meant, like, what would that mean for my ability? Like, is it recursive?

Would I be reborn as like a Gandalf the White Style version of Wyger that was even more powerful? Oh, no. I don't think so. If anything, your death might create a tiny black hole. Got it. So my hole, that may be the source of my power, is that I have this power vacuum that I have. Means that, like, you're not going to know. Listen, everybody understands you're a power vacuum.

You can't stop sucking. All right. Like Kirby, I can suck up other people's powers and absorb them. I really don't think that you should use that phraseology. But yes, that's essentially through killing people. Yes, Wags. You can suck up, quote unquote, all of their powers. Look, I'm not likable.

OK, I got to be the source of barriment and good cheer. And I just don't have a way to do that. Unless. How about you give me a smile? Give me a smile, Wags. Let me just let's see you practice a little. Let's see if you can't get this down. I'll help you out.

Give me a smile. OK, here we go. Eh, eh, eh. Whoa, that looks like your diarrhea face. That looks like it. Wow, you really don't even have the muscles to make a smile. What's coming out is, like, a strained, straight line. Yeah, I kind of look like that emoji with just, you know,

like the horizontal line in two dots. With the poop in two eyes. Yeah, yeah, that's kind of my effort is at a smile. Yeah, that's not great. It's not a good smile. You're going to need to, OK, here, you know what? I know I'm going to go against what I said earlier, but I'm going to be honest.

I think if you're going to succeed at this, you're going to have to find someone that has the most likable, most compelling, most wonderful smile, and you're going to have to kill them so that you can absorb their powers of cheer and happiness and generosity. That's the only thing left, Wags. Can you do it?

Who's the one human being who embodies each and every trait that you just mentioned? I know where to find him. The soccer field. What do you mean? Ted, I'm going to go kill Ted Lasso. Well, go there now. I don't want to do this anymore.

All right, we got another stop to make, Wally and Irma. Oh, OK, a please would be nice. OK, I'm sorry, but we please, if you guys have time, we have to make another stop before I get back to delivering. OK. OK, we love you. I mean, we think you're the best.

Like you're surpassing Mitch in every way. Oh, that's so nice. We love you. Oh, I love you guys too. We've never said that before. We love you. I love you too. I guess I really am turning into Mr. Slice.

Look, we got to meet someone more jolly and affable than Santa himself. It's off to meet Ted Lasso. Let's set our sights on AFC Richmond's pitch. Woo, here we are at Ted Lasso's pitch. I heard Dylan Moran writes for him now. Wow, good for Dylan. Yeah.

Now see, Wally, he's all caught up. Yeah, I'm caught up. I'm a little behind. I'm still catching up on seasons of taxi. Irma, what I like most about you is you're a little behind. Get over here. Hey, oh, woo. Mike, don't judge.

Your brother and sister from the same litter. So we can rim each other. It's not rimming if you're sibling. Nasty. Judgment, judgment. We learned it from our father. Disgusting. I'm just going to go talk to Ted Lasso.

Okay, here I am on the hunt for the most likable person in the world. There he is on his famous soccer field. Excuse me, sir, are you Coach Ted Lasso? Does Santa wipe his ass with a snowball? Out of there. It is me, Ted Lasso. I remember you from one of my episodes where you actually exist. Isn't that so heartening?

How can I help you? Wait, Santa, I mean me? Is this in an episode of your show? Yeah, what's so crazy about that? You are Santa. Yeah, I guess I just thought that was more of like a grounded reality. Okay, well, you and I are sitting here talking in a grounded reality in your Santa Claus. So, you know, like, what's your point?

And I'm not trying to get frustrated. I've never been frustrated because being frustrated isn't kind, but... No, Touche, you're right. We were here having this conversation with me, Santa. But here's the thing, Ted, I'm in kind of a, in a tight spot. Oh, no. I'm not likable. And I need some help from an expert.

You're not likable? Well, crust on a cracker. I'm so sorry about that. It's, I don't even know what it's like to be unlikable. I'm just so dang likable. I feel really sorry for you, man. I guess I could give you some advice. Yeah, I mean, that would be helpful.

Anything I could do to make people like me. And anything I can do to make people like me even more. Well, I'd say the key to being likable is being kind. Okay. You know, not saying anything or doing anything that would even be perceived as edgy or funny or interesting, just being totally straight down the middle and just not having any kind of feelings that are even a little bit negative or saying words or doing things that are entertaining in any way.

Just right down the middle. I'm doing all that already. This is nothing different than what I already bring to the table. And you're still unlikable? I'm still unlikable. Then there must be something about you personally, pal. I don't know if I can help you there. But I mean, to me, it's just, you know, be kind to women especially.

Okay. Make them cookies or what they call them biscuits over here. And you know how when people are mean, you look at them and you go, that person's mean. I don't have time for them. I make time for those people. I say, let's sit down and have a talk. And I let them yell and scream at me and kick soccer balls at my face and my balls and my nuts.

And I go, you know what, get it all out. Go ahead, kick 10 more soccer balls into my nuts. I don't care. I'm going to sit here until you finally break down and tell me something that happened to you when you were a kid or some stupid stuff like that. And that's how you get through to people. That's how you get likable. You get through to people.

You let everyone else be, you let them be who they are, and you just, you kill them with kindness. Well, don't really kill them. That would be a sin, but kill them with kindness. I did kill some people, not with kindness. Oh, yeah. I killed my friend Mitch and I killed Santa. I'm not actually Santa.

I'm a guy who took on Santa's powers after murdering him. Wow. Well, first, I want to say that even if you're someone who has committed terrible atrocities such as you, I still have empathy for you. Wow. Thank you. Yeah. So you want to be likable after all that?

Well, maybe we're starting from, maybe we're starting from the one yard line here if you get the reference, but you know, I think the secret to being likable is and wait to one yard line is like, like, is that in soccer? Well, no, I'm a former American football coach. So we're starting the way behind. So that's kind of my reference. I thought you were a soccer coach. Well, no, I am now, but I used to be an American college football coach.

Oh, that's like your origin story. Okay. Seems like you don't know much about me, friend. Have you never heard of my show? I've heard of it. You're not spring for Apple TV Plus? No, I do have that, but I see your Patreon numbers. It's not like you can't afford it.

Yeah. No, I've got it. It's a business expense, but I'm paying for Apple TV Plus, but I have to warn just in foundation. Have you seen Foundation? No. Isaac Asimov adaptation. Not kind enough for me. Oh, that's more my speed.

I only watch my show. Well, yeah, Ted, I'm afraid I don't know much about you except that you're nice. Well, I'll be a crackly little crumber on a crab's craw. You've never watched my show, have you? You know, I've got empathy and kindness for a lot of people, but you are pushing my little buttons. You're pushing my buttons more than a fat kid playing Simon, and the Simon's made a cake. You're pushing my buttons more than the end of a sketch at UCB Mod Night. Ah, God, look, Ted, I'm very sorry I haven't gotten around to watching your show yet.

I hear season two is even better. So I'm very sorry, but is there any way you could find it in the kindness of your heart to help me be likable? Oh, boy, you know, I don't want to help you after all the terrible things you've done. I don't like to help the unkind, but I'm so kind that I need to help anyone regardless of their level of kindness. And I don't know, I'll do whatever it takes to tell me what you need to do. I'll, I'll, I'll sacrifice myself for the cause.

Is that what you want? You could literally sacrifice yourself because if I kill you, I'll take your likability. Hmm, boy, crap on a crongle. That is, that is a pickle. Not the good kind of pickle, the, the thick kind of sweet kind you get at a deli. This is the kind of pickle that's not that kind of pickle. Hmm, well, hey, Ted, yeah, I can think of someone else very, very nice who sacrificed himself for the greater good.

Who's that? Man upstairs, JC, Jesus Christ. Wow, I do consider myself kind of a Christ like figure, especially in these times and Ah, you know what? Heck, heck on a hall grand, holly little holly, go ahead and kill me, man. I'll do anything for kindness. All right, Ted. I'm just going to squeeze the life out of you real quick.

Here we go. Go to sleep. Wally, Irma, we still have to deliver pizza and all these presents now tonight. Now, we can't go fast enough to deliver presents. We're tired. Yeah, and I'm in heat. Well, without you, how am I going to get around the world so fast? We know someone you can ask.

Oh, yes, indeed. And say hi to socks for us. Okay, I know where this is headed. Mitch has always said he thinks they should drain the swamp. Let's go. We haven't flown to D.C. with Mitch since January 6th. Best of luck draining the swamp. We got an earful of it.

Also, also, Nick, you have to admit me and Wally's little Nicky-esque commitment to our voices. I really do it. I mean, it's great. I like it. It adds a lot. Like we never let up on it. We fully committed. No, it's a strong choice, and you stuck with it.

I admire both you cats. Also, we've only been saying meow the whole time, so if you've heard something else, it was all in your mind. Bye, Psycho. Bye. I'm going to go meet Slick Wily. And thanks for everything. I'll miss you.

We'll miss you, too. I'll miss you, too. Hey there. How you doing, Waggy? Wow, President Bill Clinton. The only President Clinton. That's right. Hillary blew it.

Oh, you said it, not me. Hillary blew the big one. Hashtag still with her. Oh, that hashtag. I always got to say it. I'm taking her master class. Have you taken your wife's master class? Yeah, she's making me take it.

Yeah. I got to pay, too. Yeah, it's expensive. You're telling me. And she's mean. Yeah, she's really mean. She's super mean. She kept me.

She suspended me. You know what? I got detention. I was like, I didn't know this could happen in a master class. Let's take this for fun. She takes attendance. And then if you're not on time, you get detention. She got mad at me.

I was passing a note to a girl in the class. She got real mad. Oh, well, you know what? That's old Slick Wily. That's old Horned Dog Bill. Up your old tricks. I get why she'd be mad. So why?

What brings you here? Well, here's the thing. I need to get around the world and deliver presents fast. And I don't know. Maybe I could borrow Air Force One. Oh, no, Nick. Air Force One isn't fast enough. I think I know exactly what you need.

You need to get around the world fast in a private plane, huh? Mm-hmm. Well, I think you know that I know just what you could use. Yeah. Maybe neither of us wants to say it, but we know it's implied. Oh, I'll gladly say it. The Lolita Express Wags. Epstein visited you at the White House 19 times.

What was that about? It was kind of like an Uber sort of deal. I'd say to Hillary, I'm bored tonight. I might order Epstein in and haven't come over. Here's the thing, President Clinton. With all due respect, and you do deserve respect, I could only ride the Lolita Express if I killed someone who was a passenger. And you're a former president and we don't want to get in that territory.

Let me guess. Susser's afraid to write it into the script. Yeah, Susser was maybe a little worried just legally about the implication there. Wags, I would have let you do it. I would have said, come on over, snap it up. Snap a doodle-doo, snap my neck. Well, we're not going to go there, Mr. President. Those are your words, not mine.

I know, I know. So we're going to, we'll avoid that territory altogether. Yes, we can't allow that to happen, but you know what? I got some good news for you, Wags. There are a lot of people to choose from. A lot of people who rode that Lolita Express. That's right. And you know what? Here's the flat logs.

Well, let's start right there. You know, McDonald's used to have far superior fries. They switched them from the wonderful beef tallow that they used to use in the 90s, and the fries have frankly never recovered. You know, if you're not making fries with that wonderful rendered fat from a cow, you know, then I don't even know what you're doing. They're using what is it called, vegetable oil there. And not to mention, you know,

the ice cream, you know, makers are always broken. And don't get me started also on Domino's. Domino's did a whole ad campaign about our pizzas used to be bad. I liked those pizzas. I liked the pizzas the way they were, because they used to cook the dough in, of course, you guessed it, beef tallow. There was far more beef tallow being used in American fast food cooking prior to, you know, the invention of corn syrup.

And obviously you find corn syrup. It's very syrup. It's a sticky, it's a sticky substance that you find in that, in Coke. And they'll just put it in just about anything. So the fact of the matter is, is that for most meals and most things that you're eating are now corn. And, you know, before a couple decades ago, you know, that was mostly made up by tallow. And, you know, you were able to use tallow for soap.

You were able to use tallow in your fries. And, you know, you can make a good living slinging tallow. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. Who are you?

I'm recording my solo podcast. Yeah. Who are you? Don't worry about me. You're a Malcolm Gladwell, right? Well, that's right. I'm, you know, famed thinker guy. I'm a thinking guy.

I'm a thinking guy. And I write little books about my little thinkings. Yeah. I see them in the airport. There's like, like Blink, right? And like. That's a collection of 15 of my thinkings. I had my thinking thoughts and I wrote out my little thinkings and findings into Blink.

Hey, what was that up with that essay you wrote after Norm died, where you basically just wrote an essay saying you didn't think he was funny? Okay. So, you know, I've heard, I've heard time and time again about this. People try to cancel me the way they try to cancel Norm. You know, Norm passed away and while, you know, I was able to see a sort of plurality of people, you know, feeling sad about it and, you know, saying that they thought that Norm was funny.

I, you know, I looked through some of the old Norm stuff and I'm like, you know, this guy's doing what? He's just kind of deadpan doing like maybe sort of like the goofiest joke. You know, sometimes it's like, this is not even a joke. This is like a sort of like take on humor, like humor about humor or something like that. And, you know, I just like, you know, a more sort of traditionally crafted joke. I don't need all this comedy sort of about comedy. You know, I prefer, you know, a story really.

I like it. I like a Jim Gaffigan. You know, I like a moth. You like Gaffigan. Okay. Yeah, I like a Gaffigan. You know, the Gaffigan, he's got the hot pocket stuff and he's really, you know, he's a dad.

He's a dad and he's got kids and he likes hot pockets. I like, hey, look, I like Gaffigan. I just, I think that was a pretty, just a pretty rude thing to say about someone, you know, as an obituary effectively. I only, you know, I'm not, I was not writing an obituary. Not every tweet is an obituary. I was simply, you know, sort of like, I would say, pissing on someone's grave. You know, it was sort of like, you know, it was like, I didn't like this guy and I

didn't think he was funny and I had to watch him all the time. And I'm like, this is just to me distasteful. Well, so what in the hell are you doing here? I'm sitting here. I'm recording my solo podcast, the one that I tell little stories alone. I tell little stories about my findings on this podcast. Yeah. Well, look, you're on the Epstein Flight Logs.

And sure. Yeah. Okay. That's not my proudest moment, but it is a matter of record. You know, that that's out there. It's out there. It is out there. Anyway, I need to get on those logs because I need that plane.

And you know what else? I'm not too happy about you podcasting about fast food. What? Listen, Gladwell, time to make you sad, unwell. Snappa Doodle Doo. Snappa Doodle Doo. Snappa Doodle Doo. What are you doing?

My, my tallow is spilling out everywhere from my stomach. My precious tallow. Put it on a fry. At least cook up my little fat into a tallow fry. Oh God, I'm covered in tallow. Well, hey, that felt great. Yeah, just to be safe, I better get everyone on these logs. Then I'll definitely get a seat on that plane.

Queen Mummy, could you get me some crumpets? Wow, the Duke of York, Prince Andrew. Come here. What the? Lay your hands off me. Let me be a Frank. It's me, Kevin Spacey, with another Christmas message. Hey, Spacey.

I'm Wyger. Remember me? Why, sure. I thought you were going to be a co-defendant. Yeah, I wiggled out of that one. And now I'm going to wiggle the life out of you. I do declare. I was the best Lex Luthor.

Now I'm the best actor in the world. Hey kids, it's Christmas. Who wants some chocolate frosty milkshakes? Excuse me, are you Homer J Simpson? Oh, who are you? My name is Wyger, first off, big fan. Wait, are we, is this season one? Yes, it's actually one of the shorts.

Oh, okay. So this is all about like you going to church, right? Like we're going to get some milkshakes and hit church. Right, because it's Christmas and that's your, it's very Christian this early on. Yes, you want to come along, fellow Christian? No, Homer, actually I have something else I need to take care of. You have a power, I think I want.

Hey, why you little, you're pulling the why you little in reverse. Doh! Man, now I have all these powers from killing everyone on the flight logs. I don't want to stop. Who else? Hey, look at that Santa Claus. Wow, John Hamm. That's right.

Perfect, time to even out my hog size. Oh, no. Hey, hey, you're, you're trying to break my hog's neck. Oh, sorry. Circumference is similar. Here, hold a little higher. There we go. That's the spot.

Wow, who else? Wow, Hanukkah, Harry. Nick, no, it's just me, your friend and commissioner Evan Susser. Oh, hey, Commish. You know, I wouldn't mind being commissioner of the Doughboy's Tournament of Champions. Come here, buddy. What?

Okay, why? Yeah, yeah. I also am Hanukkah, Harry. I knew it. Hey, Weiger, I need pictures of your burrito for the Taco Bell 11 episode. Wow, Drop King. Good to see you. Hey, uh, hey, look at me.

Okay. Look at me. All right. I'm the Drop King now. Drop. Wow, I can't believe I'm a free man, released just in time for the holidays. Jared from Subway, time to get my personality and hard drive back.

Oh, my God, I've wasted so much time breaking next. I forgot my main goal. It's almost midnight. I got to fly. But even the Lolita Express isn't fast enough to get me back in time. I need more power. What happens to be the problem, Santa? You know, I'm realizing you are also in the Santa Claus.

Oh, how about that? I came to you because the Lolita Express needs more power. Do you think you can help me out to a man? Let me see what I can do. Right back at you. Okay, Nick, now the plane should have more power. I don't think so, Tim. What did I do wrong?

It's Binford Motor. I don't think it's going to be, it's going to be powerful enough for the, to replace the onboard motor. It's going to work. Okay, I'll trust you on this one. Thanks, Toolman. Oh, and one more thing.

Now I have more power too. Now the Lolita Express has enough power for me to deliver pizza to every child on earth. Here we go. Oh, that was exhausting. I don't know how Mr. Slice does that every December 24th. There's just one kid left, the most important kid of all, and this kid, he's 26.

Hey, you song, you song, wake up, buddy. I brought you a pizza. Mr. Slice, I knew you existed. Wow, what are your custom bar pizzas? Come here, bud. Give Mr. Slice a hug. Hey, your hands are kind of tight around my neck. Are you trying to kill me?

Sorry, force of habit. Merry Christmas, buddy. Merry Christmas, Mr. Slice. And God bless us, everyone. Mitch? That's right, Wags. The dead speak. Now, I'm actually still alive,

and this was just a ruse to get into the holiday spirit. So I didn't have to kill all those people. What? You killed a bunch of people? A 2022 resolution. No necks shall I snap. Wait, what? Oh my God, there's sirens outside.

There's cops pulling up to the house. What the fuck? Sorry. The hell? Sorry. You're just going to give me a fucking gilly response? Oops, sorry. You can't just pull gilly.

After all that shit, at least give me an urkel. Did I do that? All right, that's better. Well, that's good enough for me. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas, and happy holidays, everyone. Thank you for joining us for the Mitchie Clause. I can't say I enjoyed it, but I do know it exists.

For me, John Hodgman, and the Doughboys family, Merry Christmas, happy holidays, bit.ly slash Dicktown, and Susser, learn to spell my name, H-O-D-G-M-A-N. There's no E in it. Peace. That was a hit-gum podcast.