Doughboys - UNLOCKED! - Wige Hard: A Doughboys Holiday Special

Episode Date: December 23, 2021

Unlocked and free for all! It's the 2020 Doughboys Holiday Special! When terrorists take over the Snackatomi corporation it's up to Wiger to save his estranged podcast partner before it's too late.Written by Mike MitchellStarring Nick Wiger, Lamar Woods, Mike Mitchell, Evan Susser, Jason Mantzoukas, Emma Erdbrink, Yusong Liu, Robert Persinger, Jon Gabrus, Betsy Sodaro, Mike Hanford, Carl Tart, Mookie Blaiklock, Alana Johnston, Matt Kowalick and Paul RustTo get more Doughboys Double go to patreon.com/doughboysWant more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's up, everybody? It's your boy, The Spoon Man, and I want to talk to you about today's sponsor, Uber Eats. At Uber Eats, we've helped more than 400,000 restaurants across the U.S. reach new, hungry customers and deliver growth quickly through new orders. Uber's global platform can help you grow, reach new people, get valuable sales data, and unlock ways to expand with flexible delivery options. Put your business on Uber Eats. Get access to the Uber Eats platform, including valuable sales data to grow your business. Dig in to your data. Really dig in there, anytime, to monitor your performance and customer order trends. Wow. Wow.

Why, restaurant owners, enjoy 0% commission for the first 30 days on all orders, offer subject to change per the terms of the restaurant agreement. Wow, 0% on the first 30 days. Sign up today. That link that you want to click on is down there in the episode description. Right down there. Check it out. There it is. Move your cursor. Go ahead and click. Or if you're on your phone, use your finger and click that link. Click that link in the episode description. The following is the 2020 Doe Boys Holiday Special. It's old, but is it good? Hmm. Wigs and I certainly aren't, but everyone else is. Anyways, you can subscribe to our Patreon

for the 2021 special, or just wait till next year again. Whatever you want to do, I don't care. Enjoy. Hey, it's me, the Night Spoon, Mike Mitchell. This year for the Christmas special, I wanted to go above and beyond, and instead of just a radio play like we usually do, the plan was to shoot a full feature length Doe Boys Christmas movie. The crew was hired, the cameras were rented, the sound stages were booked. It was March 2020. We were all set, and then, you guessed it. Weiger said he didn't want to do it. So instead, this year, we'll be doing a staged reading of the script written by me and only

me. I will be reading the stage directions and also playing the part of Mitch. A great role. Doe Boys Media now proudly presents to you, Wycard. And uh, yeah, it counts as a Christmas movie. It's the 2020 Doe Boys holiday special. Wycard. Starring Michael Mookie Blakelock, John Gabris, Mike Hanford, Alanna Johnston, Matt Koalik, Yusong Lu, Jason Mantzukis, Mike the Night Spoon Mitchell, The Drop King, Robert Persinger, Paul Rust, Betsy Sadaro, Evan Susser, Carl Tart, Lamar Woods, and introducing Nick Weiger. Written by Mike Mitchell and only Mike Mitchell.

Art by Chris Van Artsdelen. Produced by the commissioner, Evan Susser. A Doe Boys Media production. Edited and directed by Emma Erdbrink. Thank you, Emma. Sorry about all this. Nick Weiger, 50s. Kind of a cuck. Steps off his plane at Quippy, the Quincy International Airport. He's carrying a giant stuffed minion. And he's greeted by a limo driver. Hey, Mr. Weiger. I'm your limo driver. It's my first time, you know, driving a limo. Can I help you with anything? Uh, yeah. Hi. Yeah, you can grab this. You can grab Bob here, my minion. Okay. All right. I love a minion. You know, I'll take care of it. We'll put it in the

front, you know, buckle it up. So if you want to hop in the back, you know, I think that's where he's supposed to sit. And then I'll drive. I'll start driving. You know, what is, wasn't Bob riding back all right up front? Is that cool? Bob's kind of the VIP here. Yeah, Nick. That's cool, man. That's cool. You know, it's a pretty big limo. So, you know, I guess that's what we'll do then. Okay. Let me just. I'm having a good time. I'll buckle him up real quick. There you go, Bob. Here you go. Go. Be safe, little buddy. Love you. How was that flight, baby?

Ah, it was, you know, it was a rough flight. It's tough to fly right now, as you know. You got to be masked up. You're in that recirculated air. It's just uncomfortable. I never love flying under normal circumstances, but right now it's particularly perilous. But wait, I want to back up a second. You said it's your first time driving a limo. How about that? Man, you know, I never used to drive a limo before. You know, I used to drive a bus. I drove a couple of trucks, but never a limo, you know, like it's kind of like a long car. You know, I never, I don't know if you know what a limo is, but it's a long car. It's

pretty crazy, man. Yeah, I haven't been in a limo since junior prom. So this is an unusual thing for me. But it's a long, you know what you mentioned? It's a long car, but you know, a bus is kind of a long car. A truck is kind of a long car. So it may be your first time with this particular vehicle, but you have some experience that's relevant. Man, I appreciate that boost of confidence, baby. Hey, you know what? Why don't we get on the road? You know, I don't want to get you too late to the party. You heading to a Snackatomy holiday party, right?

That's right. Snackatomy Christmas party. Yeah. Man, that's, that's what's up, man. You know, happy Christmas, all that, Kwanzaa, whatever you celebrate, baby. You know what I'm saying? I got this girl, man. I'm like, you know how to use a phone, just use it. You know what I'm saying? I don't know why she don't never call me back, man, but I'm a caller though. I'm a caller in this limo. Yeah. So anyway, I see on the list here, it says you're Mike Mitchell's plus one, huh? Yeah, Mike Mitchell's plus one. You know, I didn't even get, I'm realizing we've been talking for like a few minutes

here. I didn't, I haven't even gotten your name. Oh, my name's Lamar Gile, you know what I'm saying? Lamar Gile. I like that. Yeah. My mom is named after my mom. Her name is Lamar Gile, senior. Wow. That's a beautiful name. Yeah. I bet she was a pretty special lady. Yeah, you know, she's, you know, she's dead now, but she, you know, she, she was, when

she was here though, she was doing good. Yeah. So when you know, when you get to, you know, I actually listened to your podcast with Mike, you know, I wanted to know why didn't you move to Quincy with him? You know, I think I, I found myself struggling with that mentally. I had a lot of business to take care of in LA and I guess I didn't think he'd make it out there in Quincy and I don't know, he'd eventually come back, but I don't know. All right. Well, you know, don't touch the air condition too much. Okay.

I know you're riding up in the front, but don't be messing with it. All right. I just, I'm worried Bob, Bob looks like he's overheated. He likes it. He likes it kind of cold. He's he, he runs warm. Okay. Okay. Well, if he likes it, we'll get, we'll get a cold in here. But when, as soon as you guys get out the limo, I'm going to turn the heat back up because, you know, I like it toasty. Hold on. Before we get there, I got, I know we're almost there, but I got, I got to climb

through the window to check on Bob real quick. Just let me get over the seat here. All right. Well, careful now, you know, I don't want to crash. You know, all right. It's a tight squeeze. It's kind of like, that's kind of like climbing through a vent. I don't, I don't know why I brought that up. But what we're going to do is what I wanted to know, you know, when you get down, you know, where are you going to stay tonight?

You know, because, you know, you need a good place to stay, baby. You know, like maybe you stay, you stay with Mitch, huh? Why don't you stay with Mitch? Huh? You should do that. I've heard his mom might make a good bed for you. You know, that's a rare find out in these streets. You know, like my girl, she always calling me and she'd be like, you know, you come sleep at night and I'm like, you don't even make in the bed.

Right. The bed ain't never right. The cover's all over the place. The sheets ain't there. I'm like, man, you got the, the part of the bed that's like real slick and smooth and it's uncomfortable. I need the sheets on top. But I heard my Mitch mom is real good at that. Keep it all nice and tucked, you know, keep you real tucked, baby. I'll tuck you in right now.

If you want to get tucked out, I don't even need this limo. We'll go get tucked right now, baby. Whatever you need on that bed, tuck it, baby, whatever, whatever. You know, we almost there. Hold on, I almost ran that red light shit. You know, Lamar guy, I'll get in tucked in by you. Sounds like heaven. In fact, I wish I could bring you over to Mitch's mom's place

because last time she made me a bed, it was really uncomfortable. I didn't get a good night's sleep in the bed Mitch's mom made. And that's fucked up, man. I hope Mitch don't hear this because that's fucked up, man. She can't, you know, like that's the one thing moms do, you know, they make beds. That's true. That's I should be, you know what? I should be a little bit more. I should give a little bit more leeway.

All right. So I think I think we're about to pull up, man. I got to tell you why, man, it's been great to arrive with you. You tell Bob, you know, have a good time up in there and I'll make sure, you know, tell Mitch's mom, hello, you know, and I hope the bed is nice for you. All right. Lamar guy, this has been amazing. I I'm going to cover Bob's ears real quick because I don't want him to hear this. But I think you're my best friend. Oh, man, I love you too, man.

You know, I know we just met and it's my first day in a limo. My first time at the airport, too. So, you know, I'm feeling real good about all of it. This is a lot of first today. So, you know, if you want to hug, I know we're not supposed to do that right now. But yeah, I've been tested. If I don't know if you've been tested. But yeah, I just got off a plane.

It's probably not super safe. I'll give you the little elbow thing. Um, whoa. Hey, Lamar guy, I think your phone's blowing up. I think it might be your girl. Oh, oh, shit. All right. Hello. Hello.

What's up, baby? Hey, I ain't doing nothing but riding with this white boy, man. Over here, man, playing with a minion, you know what I'm saying? You know, but when I get off this job, I'm going to come over there and bring my minion over there. You know what I'm saying, baby? Yeah, you know, you know, I feel like today's going to go pretty smooth, actually. This job is easy as hell.

Yeah, so I'll see you soon. And why don't you, you know, get that bed ready? Because, you know, I just realized how much I value that about your skillset. Yeah, OK. Yeah, no, I'll I'll stop by the check cast, please. All right. Yeah. OK, great. Um, all right. So go ahead, you can get out now.

Bye. It's Christmas time in Hollis, Queens. Weiger enters the party. It's the first party he's been to in probably 10 years. It's packed with the employees of the Snackatomy company. An evening of socialization and fun. Weiger's worst nightmare. He's greeted by a cool and handsome man, Mitch.

Hey, you made it. What's up, likes? Let me introduce you to some people here. This is the head of Snackatomy, which, as you know, did a hostile takeover of Doughboy's media a few years ago. Meet Evan Susser, the commissioner. Ah, you must be Mr. Weiger. I hear great things about you. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Aren't you going to introduce me? Ah, yeah, I was going to introduce you. This is Ellis Zuccas. Ellis Zuccas, hey, how are you? Great to meet you. Big mistake, buddy, not joining the Snackatomy Corporation, Weiger. Yeah, I think you get some powdered sugar or something on your nose. What? What?

Huh? Are you partying, man? No, I don't party. Huh? OK, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Likes, if you noticed, I actually do have powdered sugar on my nose. Yeah, you've been having some doughnuts. My boy, Mitch, here was just crushing a box of Entomans. I like to crush them up and snort them down.

It's my preferred way of taking them on. Same old Mitch. Likes, you want a line, a sweet Entomans line? Yeah, of course I want one. We'll do that later. Well, before we do that, Emma's here, a new song in Drop King, the whole gang. Wow. Hey, Nick. Hey, what's up?

Hi, Emma. Hi, Drop King. Hi, you song. Hello, hello. Happy holidays. What's up, nerds? You can't see it right now, but I'm I'm dabbing. So where are you staying while you're in town?

My mother can make up a bed for you. She'd love to see you. Yeah, I mean, I could sleep in your mom's bed if I don't want a good night's sleep. Well, what the fuck? You still never got over that? Just saying. If I want a pretty uncomfortable bed to sleep in, where I'll be waking up multiple times during the night, maybe I'll stay in your mom's guest bed.

God, I'd offer the bed to El Azucas, but we know he's not sleeping tonight. It's going to be. Oh, you kidding? But I'd love to be in your mom's house, Mitch. See, when don't you don't get me wrong, I'm going to be peaking. Ha ha ha ha. Both P-E-E-K-I-N-G and P-E-A-K-I-N-G. Everything's peaking at once, mom, Mitch.

You know what? I respect that, though, El Azucas, because you respect my mother, not like Wigs. We have to tell her that her bed sucks. I love your mom. She's a lovely woman. You know, why do you break her heart every time you come to Quincy Wigs? That she just can't make a bed to save her life. That's bullshit.

How dare you disrespect mom, Mitch? She majored in bedmaking, you piece of shit. Yeah, she did. She majored in it. Yeah. In college. In college. As a major.

She minored in astrophysics. Wasn't she like a school principal? What the fuck? She was an English teacher. OK, sorry. You love my mom. It seems like you don't. You should fucking read up on her.

Yeah, Liger, but all the desks were beds and she made each and every one. Idiot. Idiot. Here, read this. Mitchell Family History, volume one. OK, this is a pamphlet. Yeah, this is very thin. The size of a menu for a Greek restaurant.

Well, wait a minute. Hang on, be cool, man. Be cool. Well, no, I don't mean anything by that. Wait a minute. Oh, shit, that that is just a menu for a Greek restaurant. I'm sorry. Me knows famous roast beef.

I love that place. You know, I was up in the North Shore recently. I got a I got a I got a beef. Why, have you ever had a beef? No, because you never visit Quincy or the rest of New England. Yeah, you turned your back on us. Yeah, wait a minute. Mitch is the one who turned his back on me.

He's the one who abandoned our podcast. He's the one who had banned in L.A. Move back home to Quincy to be a part of the Snackatomy Corporation. You're the one who turned your back on dough boys. You know the deal. The Mass Girls were too tight in Southern California. Had to come back to someplace where I could go out freely and not wear one. Go to a place where every Dunkin' Donuts is a mask free zone.

You know, it's mandatory. You know how hard it is to do blow when you're wearing a mask, Wags? How am I supposed to snort up the intimates, Wags? Yeah, Wags, come on. Come to the dark side. Come to Snackatomy, baby. Yeah, Wags just party and have fun for once in your life. We got that fresh Dunkin' Donuts glaze all chopped up on the table.

I look the glaze is tempting, but I get it. I get to get away from here. I'm I'm not just talking about the glaze that's all over Mitch's Bum's basement. That's a different thing. Well, actually, it's kind of a combo of the two Wags. Double glaze, baby. I can't take any more of this. I can't take any more Quincy talk.

I can't take any more socializing. I can't take any more merriment. Whoa, this guy is so emotional. Yeah, this is fucking bizarre. He never is emotions are off the chart. This could be it. I've never seen someone emote so powerfully. I'm afraid guns are going to start going off soon.

I'm out of here. Wow. All right. You know, Ella, Zuccas, I try a line of your stuff, but I'm pretty sure my my heart would stop instantly. Mitch, I'm not going to lie to you. You should ditch that zero and get with this hero. And by hero, I mean this sub that I'm holding in my hands. Don't mind if I do get involved, buddy.

Got the whole hero up my nose. Yeah, that's a foot long. Unable to socialize. Weigar sneaks into an executive bathroom and takes his shoes off. Ah, finally away from all that madness. You know, I got to take my shoes off. Let my dogs breathe a little. And hey, while I got my bare feet out.

When I film these tootsies for my only fans. All right, here we go. What's up, only fans? You know, I'm a. Feeling a little lonely right now. Sure wish I could be hanging out with all of you. Feels nice to have my bare feet against this tile floor, though. It's nice and cool.

Oh, I think I'm getting hard. Weigar gets a boner. Weig is hard. Oh, my God, what the hell's going on out there? Hey, only fans, I got to go. I it sounds like there's some sort of gunfight or something. Um, anyway, a tip for the full video. All right, bye.

I got to get out of here. Weigar pokes his head out to see what's happening. Standing in the center of the party is Johns Gaber, flanked on his sides by German Hanford and German Betsy, both holding machine guns. Oh, my God, an all-star team of terrorists. And they're holding the Snackatomy Corporation hostage. Oh, I don't want to get shot.

I know I'm going to climb in these vents. All right, here we go. See if I can squeeze into this thing. Too fat, too fat. Oh, the too fat alarm is going off. You know, I'm just going to take the battery out of this thing. Two, four. There we go. All right.

I'll be able to hide from all those terrorists in here until the heat dies down. Still hard, though. Back at the party, the villainous Johns Gaber shoots off his gun to quiet the room of hostages. No one move a muscle. We're taking all of you hostage. And now that I'm looking around the room,

I see a lot of you maybe have no muscle tissue, but I just don't want you moving at all. The Snackatomy Corporation is about to pay. Hey, hey, you said it, boss. Hey, by the way, I'm German. I just don't have that awful German accent. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, me too, me too. I'm very, very German.

Yeah, we all met in Hamburg as where we were training as German terrorists. Down on Lüfterwasen Street, one of our favorite streets in Hamburg, Germany. Oh, they have the best pretzel place over there. I love pretzels, sausage, spatzel, beer, beer. We love beer. Oh, we can't get enough of it.

We can't get enough of German beer. I'm drunk right now. We're the only people in 2020 who are openly proud to be German. And I need you guys to sweep the building and keep these police radios on you so we know if the cops are on to us. And you'll know which police radios are,

because they'll say U.S. Department of Defense and some contractor was paid over a million dollars to make this radio. And now a cop gets to use it to hit a 15-year-old kid on a bike. Hey, hey, John, John, let's not get so politically here. Let's just sort of get the whole tower locked down and then we can talk about that.

Just relax. Right, right, right, right. Just make sure you take these fucking ACAB radios with you. Just you get so tense about this stuff. Relax. What do we do when we hear the cops are coming? Do we get on the radio and say, uh-uh? Yeah, I would say say, uh-uh.

Pretend to be a cop if you have to, to be like, I'm already on it. Chief or something like that might work. Okay, I'm gonna go beat the shit out of some nice peaceful protesters, something like that. Yeah, something that sells them that they know. It's like, yeah, hold on. I'm chasing a kid who might have a serial box

or a machine gun. Let me just, I'm gonna bash him in the fucking head and find out later. Okay. That way everyone knows you're a cop. Can I change, use one of these cop radios to go to a pop station to maybe hear that wet and gushy song? Oh yeah. I love that song.

If you want to whop it up, please, if you can get, if you can get pop radio on these things, go for it. If I could get pop radio on these things, we would need to hold up this place. I'd be a millionaire. Excuse me, I'm one of your hostages, bitch. Whoa, it can talk.

You're one, you're only one of the hostages? Holy shit, I thought you were a handful, I thought you were a family or something. You're just one person in a shirt? Yeah, just one guy in a shirt. I'm a little bit big, but I just, I heard you guys talking about Hamburg and I, I was just wondering a bit about what that town is like.

You said it's in Germany, is it the home of the hamburger? Oh my god. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Did we get to the answer hostage questions portion of this fucking takeover? The answer is no, that's never a portion of a hostage takeover. Get on the ground before I shoot a bullet in you

and send a team of doctors to take a week to find it, you fucking big ass loser. And to answer all your, the questions that were forthcoming, I'm sure. No, we don't live in giant hamburgers. No, we don't have hamburgers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Just lunch and dinner.

All right, could one of you help me down onto my knees and onto the floor? I just need a little bit of help. I don't think I can, I have a bad back. Yeah, hold on, let me put on this fucking belt I use from when I used to help my friends move. Yeah, let me, I can help you, let me stretch. Let me chalk up my hands, going for a fucking one RM here.

Oh, he just stepped on my dough. Jesus Christ. Oh, that's broken. That's broken. It's wearing high heels. You son of a bitch. I'm expecting my friend Wags tonight. You guys are ruining everything.

Fine, I'll get down. Jesus. All right, enough dilly-dallying with you fucking peasants. Which one of you is in charge here? That would be me. Jesus Christ. Which one of you four?

I'm gonna need someone to help me get up. Hey boss, real quick. I thought we had like a bunch of hostages. Is it seriously just like two dudes? I guess they're not just, I thought it was a family in one Pat sweatshirt and a different family in a one Sonic the Hedgehog t-shirt, but it turns out it's two people.

That's it. There's more of us. Emma and Yu Song and Drop King, they're all, they're all hidden in here somewhere. Yeah, but they're not talking and their cameras are off. Yu Song, Emma, Drop King is in a drawer somewhere and you guys are just out and about. We didn't put them in a drawer.

They're around here somewhere. It was hard to get everyone on the Zoom record. I mean, at the party at the same time. This party just started, right? And this charcuterie is like gone. Yeah. And there was clearly a lot of on it because the board is glistening with fucking perjudo fat.

What did you guys do in here? Ace us. High five, baby. All right, you guys wanna go to my office? All right, well, I'm gonna get out of here and start just kind of going all over the building and looking for people to shoot. Yeah, me too.

I'll get the bathrooms. With intent to kill, by the way. Just like police officers. Good work, guys. I just wanna give you a pointer. I don't know if you have to go, church, all the bathrooms. German Betsy.

I don't know if there's people hiding in there. I think you should be. I'm just trying to help you out to kind of help you do this quicker. I think somebody just ate a half a charcuterie and went and laid out in the bathroom. No, you don't want us to go find the ghost of whatever your name is, Ethan Supley.

You don't want us to go find the ghost of him in there. It's fine. All of Ethan Supley. If it smells bad in the bathroom, I didn't. It wasn't. There's a lot of people here, as you see. There's five of us. Yeah, but I see on your belt there,

there's only one bathroom key. Yeah, you have a giant clipboard that says bathroom key hanging from your belt. Also, there's no need for you guys to check any of the garbage cans. I just wanna tell you that right off the bat. All right, did you drop a fucking steamer in a garbage can?

Let me go into your office and talk to you, pal. What do you do here? What is the snack at Tommy corporate? It's this place. Is this just a taste testing facility? Let's go into your office and you better warn me if there's gonna be loose fecal matter lying around in there. There's gonna be loose fecal matter.

Okay, guys, look at that, it's up. I'm completely fine with that. I gotta cuff my pants just in case. These are Zara, after all. Hey, John's and Betsy, just between the three of us, if you do see any fecal matter, let's have a call out that we give to each other, like a kukuru if you see anything, yeah.

Or hit the radio, say Code Brown or something like that. Yeah, yeah. And say Wet N' Gushy if you think Wet N' Gushy's in. Yeah, all right, of course. And keep your ears peeled. This is the two important things. I need you guys just going to bathroom the bathroom and around the building

indiscriminately killing people you see. I don't, not sure why, how that's part of our plan, but do that. And also, if you hear Wet N' Gushy, share that, please. Okay, and then with when we find shit, we scream? You do, yeah, I think that's a thing. Like, I assume we'll figure it out if someone finds shit, we'll figure out something to say.

And if you hear something and you think it may or may not be Wet N' Gushy, do you have Shazam on your phone, use that? I do, I downloaded it for this mission. Good. I thought, I thought I downloaded it, but I fucking downloaded a 4K of the movie Shazam. But I can play that near the music too,

if that helps in any way. Stephen sinks up. John's Gabor leads Susser into his office with a gun pointed at his head. It looks like it's just the two of us, the big boss men going head to head, mano a mano, tet a tet. I'm gonna need you to sign into the Doe Boys Patreon account

and transfer the entire balance to the following account. Patreon.com slash Action Boys, with a Z. That's what this is about? Podcast money? What kind of terrorists are you? That's what it's all about, okay? Everyone is going to whatever desperate needs they can in this season to try to make money.

Comedians are going completely right-wing. Other comedians are going completely X-rated. Everyone's going all different directions, and that's why me, German Hanford and German Betsy, decided to be terrorists. We're gonna need you to transfer some of this money, of course, to the trashy pod Patreon. And Hanford requested it's deposited to the Walk of Dimes,

which is nice of him, but he just doesn't have a Patreon yet at this point. I think he has a more fully realized, self-actualized view of himself, so he doesn't need the desperate need to talk to people for a few hundred bucks a month. Sloppy Boys podcast. Oh, what was that?

I guess he's still around outside the building. Sloppy Boys podcast, Patreon is trying to gain followers and get free money. I'm sorry, I'm checking my notes here, and it looks as though Hanford is not as self-actualized and grown up as we thought. And the Sloppy Boys, a band, finally has a Patreon for you to listen to.

A cocktail, a cocktail podcast. Okay, German Hanford, I need you going around the building, killing indiscriminately, get the fuck out of here. This is boss shit, we're going boss to boss in here, we're going- I'm just scared and nervous, go ahead, go ahead. Look, yeah, it's about money, I get it.

And to be honest, I mean, it's been a hard year. I mean, I do feel bad actually, I wasn't expecting to, but you know, I hope everybody's doing okay. We're doing fine, I need you to do one last thing, Susser, or else I'll pull this trigger. Log into the Deli Boys Patreon and click delete. Never. Oh, oh, oh God.

Oh man, I got to shoot him again, maybe aim for the hole I already got him in. Right across the circumcision. These are hollow point cop killers, these should be shredding his internal organs. You know, there's no need to get so political. Jesus Christ, this guy's fucking indestructible, is he on crank, is he on angel dust?

Let go of my arm, dude. I'm dead now. Thank fucking Christ. Ooh, loose fecal matter. Oh, oh, oh. You know, Mitch, you're about to take a little trip abroad, you're going to Costa Rica. That's right, why?

So I'm going to Costa Rica with the family, it's going to be a lot of fun. Gonna maybe see a monkey. Oh, that's fun. Gonna maybe see a bird. Just that, just a one monkey, one bird, that's it. Hey, that sounds like a heck of a vacay. And you know what?

Knowing some Spanish might be helpful down there. And if you have an upcoming summer trip abroad, my go-to travel hack is Babel. Whether you're a seasoned traveler or embarking on your first adventure, communication is key to fully experiencing a new culture. That's where Babel comes in. Babel is the language learning app

that sold more than 10 million subscriptions. Thanks to Babel's addictively fun and easy bite-sized language lessons, there's still time to learn a new language before you reach your destination. You know, Mitch, I've been taking some Babel lessons in Spanish a little bit. And it's a great benefit,

just in terms of having some conversational knowledge of another language. With Babel, you only need 10 minutes to complete a lesson. So you can start having real-life conversation in as little as three weeks, wigs. Babel's expertly crafted lessons are built around real life. You learn how to have practical conversations

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Little does he know that Weigher is watching from above. Hey, it's German Hanford. He's walking up the stairs. Huh, sounds like Gabriel saw some fecal matter. Good, good. Let's see, it's all pretty clear up here. If I do find someone, I hope I don't have to kill him. I'd really hate to do something like that.

Taking a human life, how awful. How awful that would be. I got you, I got you, I got you right by that throat. What the hell's going on? Who the hell are you? Do you have a boner? I have a boner to pick with you. My name's Weigher, and you're endangering my friend,

my former podcast co-host, Mitch. Okay, I don't know anybody's name down there, but I gotta talk to you about this boner. It feels like a peanut with a rougher shell. Yeah, look, just like, I can't control the texture of it, all right? That's vibrating. Oh, it's moving around a lot.

Shut up, stop talking about my boner. Oh, it smells like mayonnaise in here. Well, that's not, I mean, that's maybe related to me. Is that you? It might be me. It wasn't me. And I didn't smell it before you got me by the throat. All right, it's me.

Shut up. God, stop, stop getting off on this, you sick freak. I'm not, look, the only thing I get off on is justice. Okay. Let me, let me ask you this. Who are you? What are you doing here? Where are you going after Snackatomy?

I'm German Hanford, you son of a bitch, and I'm here to kill everyone in Snackatomy. I don't know why. You don't know why? I follow John's Gabor. Anything he says I do. I think he's cool. I like the backwards hat he wears on his Instagrams.

You're one of Gabor's goons, huh? That's right. I bet he's, I bet he's a good friend of yours. You must really care about him. I care for him deeply. The whole crew I care for him and German Betsy and well, it's just the three of us. Wow.

Hearing you talk about your friends, it's getting me all tired. Friends, it's getting me all choked up. Ouch. Goodbye. Crunch. Good line, dude. Hey, thanks.

I liked him. He was nice. All right, let me get on this police radio here. Hello? Hello, are there any cops out there? Any police out there? Anyone? Any EMTs?

Any paramedics? Any firefighters? Anyone at all? Man, there's no one just responding. Nuh-uh. Who's that? Who's this? Who are you?

Nuh-uh. Someone just said nuh-uh. Who are you? Who are you saying nuh-uh? Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh. Is this you responding? Like I'm saying, is anyone there and you're saying nuh-uh?

Nuh-uh. What is that? Who are you? Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh. It's making me more confused than silence. I don't know what's happening here. It's Gabriel's goons, they're messing with my mind.

It's all a game to them. Weigur notices a police car sitting outside Snackatomy Tower. While Hanford slowly starts to come too. Well, I'm kind of okay here. He didn't choke me out to death, I just passed out. Alright, out you go. Hey! We decided to get these little piggies' attention.

Weee! Hey, I'm flying! Quickly to the ground! German Hanford's corp slams under the hood of Sergeant Al Tart's cruiser. What the hell was that? What's going on at Snackatomy Tower? Hello? Hello?

I just got my car hit here at Snackatomy Tower. Is there anybody- Hello? Hello? Is someone there? Who is this? My name's Weigur. Hi, who are you? I'm Officer Al Tart. Somebody just hit my car. You mean a body hit your car?

Yeah, a body. Came out of Snackatomy Tower and hit my car. That was me. I was trying to get your attention and look at that it worked. So here we are. You know, it's illegal to destroy police property. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I mean, not really honestly, I'm not that sorry about it, but I know it makes me create paperwork for you, so I'm sorry for the personal inconvenience to you.

I'm going to have so much paperwork. Ah, fucking quit. Who is this, by the way? I should have asked that a long time ago. Alright, so, a little context here. Are you familiar with podcasts as a medium? Yes, I'm familiar. It's an app on my iTunes. Yeah, that's pretty much it. It's, you know, so anyway, I have a podcast or had a podcast with my friend Mike Mitchell.

It's called Doughboys Review Chain Restaurants. You know, your Wendy's, your Taco Bells, your Outback Steak Houses. Why would you do that? Who cares about reviews of those places? Honestly, you're the, I've, that's the first time I've been asked that question. I don't, I don't know. Well, it's none of my business. Um, anyway, so we're whatever the motivation we've been doing it, but he decided he was over it and moved back to Quincy, Massachusetts, his hometown.

Opened this company called Snackatomy and I guess I came back here on a last ditch effort to try to convince him to rejoin the podcast. And how did you end up in this building throwing bodies out of windows, hitting police cars? I'm gonna have so much paperwork. What actually transpired tonight is I got invited to this Christmas party and, uh, you know, terrorists took over. You probably, I'm guessing this time of year you're at a lot of Christmas parties where terrorists have taken over. Yeah.

It's happening all the time around here. Yeah, so it wasn't one of those, one of those classic terrorists taking over a Christmas party situation. Uh, I've been kind of, you know, working on the inside, climbing through vents, what have you, ambushing guys and I killed this guy and I figured the best way to get the attention of someone outside was to just throw his corpse out the window and low and behold it worked out. I've been there. You've been there. I killed someone once. Yeah. Oh man. Wow.

Did you feel anything? Because for me it was just empowering. Let me just tell you this. Yeah. I can't walk into a Walmart. They put me on desk duty. Wait, you can't walk into a Walmart? No, but I'll tell you why, you know, in a little while. Yeah. But I've been there. Wait, why Walmart? Why didn't you specify Walmart? I'll tell you why. Right now, man, I'm going to have so much paperwork with this car. I'm going to have to, there are so many forms that I'm going to have to fill out because you destroyed an official police vehicle.

Look, I'm sorry. All right. It was desperate times call for desperate measures. All right. I may not, it may not be friends with the police as an institution, but it seems like right now you, sir, can be my friend as a man. I'll tell you one thing. I need a friend right now. I'm going to have so much paperwork and I can't even go to Walmart. I don't know. Maybe I never should have come here, you know, fucking Quincy. You don't like it here? This is a great place. You think so? I mean, have you ever stayed at a Howard Johnson?

No, I haven't. You should try it. It was invented here. Howard Johnson was invented here in Quincy. Yeah. You ever eat at Dunkin' Donuts? Yeah. You know what? I have a number of times. Also invented here. See, that I knew. Quincy's got a lot to offer. Yeah, I guess. I mean, those are two big chains.

Fucking Quincy. You ever heard of John Quincy Adams? Yeah. One of our early presidents. Yeah. It was named after him. It was named after him. Huh. They could have called it John. They could have called it Adams. Yeah.

But they chose Quincy. I guess really the more distinctive name there. Probably the right choice. Yeah. Fucking Quincy. You asked how long I've been a cop here? Yeah, that's right. Since 1988. Wow.

My first day on the job, this same thing happened. You were at Christmas party and someone threw a terrorist out the window and landed on your car? Yep. And I was on desk duty. And I can never go back into a Walmart. There's a lot of connective tissue there I need to be filled in on, but I guess we'll let that out later. I'll let you know eventually. Got it. Tell me about your partner.

Well, my podcast partner, Mitch. Great guy. Great smile. Small eyes. Big bear of a man. Gives you a hug. Feels like the whole world's hugging you, you know. But we just never were on the same page when it came to podcasting. You like Taco Bell more than Del Taco and I felt the opposite.

Sounds like my wife. Wow, really? We disagreed on a lot. She also was a big old woman. Lovable. Yeah. So maybe it was for the best for you to split up. Is that what you're saying?

We had to. But I'll tell you one thing. Uh-huh. I can never go back into a Walmart. Okay. I mean, I'm intrigued by this point. Can't talk about that right now. Why don't you keep me abreast of what's going on in there?

You know what? Right now you might be the only friend I got. And I'm realizing I didn't even get your name. My name? I did tell you. It's Al Tart. Oh. Officer, Al Tart.

Death's duty. Not allowed in Walmart. Okay, Al Tart. I'm sorry. You must have told me and I just didn't. It didn't sink in because of the circumstances. It's okay. But I'm sorry about that wiker.

Al Tart. Nice to meet you. So you don't like it here in Quincy, huh? Nah, fucking Quincy. You ever heard of Priscilla Chan? Uh, is that Mark Zuckerberg's wife? Yeah, she's from here. Really?

Mm-hmm. I mean, I don't know. I feel about Mark Zuckerberg, but she seems fine. You ever heard of Donald Murray of the Boston Globe? Not really. I know the Boston Globe is a newspaper. Local boy. Okay.

Another notable resident. I got to ask. Do you just have the Wikipedia for Quincy open on your phone? What? No. I love my place. Okay. I love my hometown.

You ever heard of Charles Sweeney? Air Force Major General? No. He was the pilot for the Nagasaki nuclear attack. Okay. You know what? Actually, it's funny. Mitch told me about that before.

I'd forgotten his name, but... Nagasaki kind of sounds like Snackatomy. Yeah. A little bit. Well, Al, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna stay safe in here, and I'll be your ears. Be my ears. And you know what else?

I got my ears open, perked open, for whatever it gets some closure on that Walmart anecdote, because I am intrigued. I'll tell you. Okay. I'm gonna tell you. Hey. Mm-hmm.

Maybe one day, you'll be able to enjoy Quincy. Yeah. It's a lot to offer. Maybe one day, Al. You take care of yourself, buddy. Hey, you take care of yourself. But before you go... Mm-hmm.

You ever been inside the Thomas Crane Public Library? All right. I gotta go track down some more terrorists. Unbeknownst to Wags, John's Gaber has been listening in to this entire conversation on his police radio. Shit. Some sick fuck killed one of my guys.

Ugh. Luckily, I didn't have that strong of a connection with them. Ellis Zoukas knocks on the door. Knock, knock. Bubby, it's me. Ellis Zoukas. Listen. You got a problem.

Let me be the solution, okay? This is Weiger. Let me give him a call. Okay. And so you know Weiger? Weiger? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I know Weiger. Are you kidding? We're best buds. Are you crazy? I've known this guy for years. You kind of confidently entered the room and introduced yourself, like as if you've engaged with people on a social level before.

Yeah. All right. Clean yourself up there. This Weiger guy, you seem like you have a personality. You're talking to me, a stranger. You might scare this guy. What? No, what?

No, me and Weiger, we're always out getting wasted. You know, he's kicking back with a couple of brood dogs and we're going absolutely buck wild. You know, Weiger style, you know, we call it. We're like thick as thieves, as they say. Going buck Weiger out there? Yeah. We're going buck Weiger out there.

You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about no pants Weiger. This doesn't sound like him, but if I need all the help I can get in order to take over Snackatomy Plaza or get money, I'll sort that out as we go along. But for now, why don't you call Weiger get him down here or get me up there, whatever we need.

I'm looking to help you, baby. Okay, and if that means I got to get on the horn to my horned up bro Weiger? The guy is a creature of his appetites. Let me give him a call. Holy shit, a Motorola Razor. Absolutely. They can't track me, baby.

I'm off the grid. Let me just look up his number on my palm trio. Hey, Weigz, it's me, Ropal. Ellazookis, baby. Let's call this whole thing off, right? I'm sorry, I don't have this number saved. This isn't my wife or Mitch. Who is this?

Oh, classic Weiger. One of his classic catchphrases, I'm a bit of a creamsman. I'm a bit of a heat seeker. Who is this? Question mark. These are the hallmarks of a classic Weiger call. Buddy, you got to turn yourself in.

Shut it down, okay? This isn't the Viper room. We're not hanging out with Johnny Depp anymore. We got to be cool, bro. The only Viper room I've ever been into is the reptile cage at the San Diego Zoo. Oh, yeah, you. Me, Depp, the eccentric whynos,

whatever his band's name is. Remember, we did all that blow, we went crazy. The Hollywood vampires, I mean, they have their album. Ellazookis, you said you knew this guy. I thought you said you knew this guy. What the fuck is going on here? That's right. Sorry, sorry, I forgot.

He's a total music head. He's the kind of guy that's always listening to music in his car. He fucking knows everything about music. He's got a robotic understanding of music from the bassoon forward, from a double-readed to a single-readed instrument and beyond. This guy is fucking nuts.

Ellazookis, you guys are reminiscing. I need you to do something specific here. I need you to get Weigert down here because I can't have him killing any more of my men. Weigts, baby, you got to get down here. This guy's freaking out, and I told him because we're best friends, wink, wink, that I could smooth things over.

So what do you say? You got a little blood. You have a little blood. What? Oh, yeah. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I just had a little bit of a Bolivian marching powder

to get the courage to come in here. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, you didn't use any euphemisms, really. I'm pretty sure I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm talking about cocaine. You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking like Brett Easton Ellis style. I'm talking about the back room at Odeon.

You know what I'm saying? You're talking China White. You're talking Michael Orvitz's conference room table. I know what you're saying here. Michael Orvitz, famous CAA agent, pronounced perfectly. So what's the deal? Are you getting Weigerts down here so I could cut his head off or whatever I need to get done?

Count Weigula, what do you say? Alizucas, what did you tell them? What do you mean? I told them that we're best friends and that you'll do basically anything I say. Don't make me look like an idiot, buddy. Did you tell them that I know Mitch? Did you tell them that Mitch was my podcast partner?

Well, of course I told them you know Mitch and that Mitch is your podcast partner in only one of your podcasts, not the other one. That I know is Heather Ann Campbell, but we can't talk about that. So don't worry, Weig's, I didn't even mention that. Okay, real quick, Alizucas, you did just mention that while you were referencing

that you didn't mention it. What? Technically, that was a mention. Put an at symbol before it because you just mentioned it. Okay, that's a my bad. That's what I call a my bad. If you heard me say it, hashtag, he said it. If you didn't hear me say it, hashtag, he never said it.

I've listened to the pod before. The hashtags are never that creative. What the fuck? I thought you said you were a fan. And now I know Mitch is in the building. Oh, what? Once I get Mitch, then I'll have Weigar. I'm sorry, Alizucas, but it's time for you to skedaddle.

I didn't have time to think about it. I didn't have time to think of something better. You want to take that back and think of a different word that sounds more threatening? I'm going to put my gun away. Don't run. I just want to put it back. Okay.

And we're going to do the whole draw again. Okay. All right, Alizucas. You've gone too far already. So now it's time for Gran Turino. What? Get off my lawn. I'm sorry.

Hey, I'm still here. I have a pitch. Can I try one? Yeah, hold on. Let me put Weigar on speaker. He wants to say something. Go ahead, Weigar. Yeah, I thought there's maybe something because he's using Coke

to being like, you got the Coke will call me Pop Rocks because I'm about to make your brain explode. Like it's a little bit of an A to C, but you know, it's like, yeah. I like that. I think it's there. Okay, cool. Let's take it again.

All right. But you are, Ellis, I am going to kill you, but thanks for hanging there. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up? What's up, buddy? What's up, buddy?

We're best friends. You know what? You and me should go into business together. How about that? I'm season one of Cop Rock. What? And your brain is on drugs. I've been canceled.

Cancel culture is real, Ellis. Sorry. You're going to have to start a right-wing Patreon where you make 40 grand a month. Oh, right in my nose. The final bump is a bullet. Well, now that Ellis is gone, you're next, Weigar. First, I have to make my feet slightly more comfortable.

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So don't you sleep on this. Use the code DOE for 10% off darn tough socks. These socks are darn tough. There's so much blood coming out of his face. Oh, that was horrifying. The power of capitalism is powerful enough to bring Ellis back to life. That coke and capitalism have been going together since the 70s. We've seen it here now, Weigar.

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Do it. Mitch, when someone is just exceptionally good at what they do, it could be a waiter, a chef, a doctor, a podcaster. A podcaster. You know you're in good hands. It's like seeing a waiter balance five trays of sizzling fajitas on one arm or a chef running a kitchen so well that even a professional food podcaster would be left speechless. You're confident in them.

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With ZockDock, there are no alarms and no surprises. Choose from thousands of patient-reviewed doctors and specialists. Browse doctor profiles, upload and verify your insurance information and get the care you need. ZockDock.com SlashDotBoys Ugh, God. It's tough to squeeze through these vents with my big old boner. But you know what's nice?

I can peer through these little gratings and see what's going on below me. You sick fuck. Oh God. Someone just said you sick fuck to me? Hey. No peeking. Alright, sorry. I didn't know you were in the restroom.

But I did. Alright. Time to keep going. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Okay, Tommy, I work in HR.

You live in the vents? Yeah! It's a great place to be. It's cool. Or warm. Depending on the weather. Yeah, I mean the weather being like if they have a heater on, or they AC on. Yeah.

I guess. But for you, it's basically as the weather for you're living up- I mean I gotta say, I thought you were... doing alright for yourself. But you're living in the vents of your workplace. That seems pretty dire. I mean, the commute's not so bad. That's true.

Rent's expensive these days, and I got evicted because of COVID. Oh my god, that's bleak. Wait a minute, are you caught in a rat trap? Yeah, this happens all the time to me. There's a bunch of cheese up here for some reason, so... Yeah. I'd be tempted too. You see a big brick of Gouda, you know, you're gonna want to reach for it.

I know, it's a cage aged, cave aged. So do you actually work here? Yes, I work here in HR. I temp sometimes. You temp in HR sometimes? Yeah, mostly not. Like I've worked two days. You don't work here, do you?

You just live in the vents. Yeah, it's a nice building. Yeah. Hey man, look, you're my friend. Can I give you $40? Is that okay? Can I just give you the cash I have in my wallet with just $40? If that's all you got, I'll take it.

I mean, it's what I have on me. Sure. I can Venmo you later if you want. I could Venmo reception in these vents. Yeah, do you not have a phone? No. Oh yeah. You wish.

Look, yeah, look, hey man, I know where you are. I've got to go rescue our friend Mitch, but I'm... I'm worried about you. We're all worried about you. Right. So take care of yourself. Try to chew through your foot so you can get out of this rat trap. No other way.

Yeah, and I hope you can buy some snacks from the vending machine or something with this. Well, I'm going to need that cash though that you just promised. Oh yeah, sorry, let me get it. I forgot. Here you go. Here you go. You know, it's actually $30. I thought I had two 20s.

It's a 20 and a 10. I'm sorry. Fuck. You promised me 40 bucks and now there's only 30? What's the next? It's 20? I actually add is 20. It is 20.

I thought that this 10 is actually a receipt. I'm sorry. I got a $20 bill. Fuck. I mean, I'll take it, but fuck you. Okay, well don't say fuck you to me. I'm trying to help you out. I mean, thank you.

I meant... It's fine. I understand. I'd be upset too if I was living in a vent and my foot was gotten a rat trap. And then someone offers you 40 bucks and then they only give you 20? Yeah. Yeah, BS. I'd be disappointed.

It's half as much. Very disappointed. All right. Look, you take care of yourself. Koalic, okay? I'll try. One last thing, Weiger. Check out my Christmas tree.

I made it with my pubes. That's why it's gray. That's great. Very festive. Yeah. It's like also I frosted it, but I don't have to tell you what I used for that. All right. I got to go.

I got to go rescue our friend, Mitch. Yeah. Koalic, I hope things pick up for you, buddy. I love you. You and me both. Love you, man. All right. Here we go.

Are you jacking off? Don't worry about it. Bye. I'm going to go jerk off now, too. All right. Here we go. Oh, gross. Another rat caught in a trap.

Actually, it's me, Mayor Pete. Oh, bootage edge. That's right. Hey, uh, do you know which way I should go? Should I go left or right? Don't go to the left. And don't go to the right. You should go right down the center.

Oh, God. Like my politics, Nick. I know. All right. Bye, Pete. Hey, Wiger. How you doing up there? Hey, Al.

I'm hanging in there. I'm in the vents. Just saw my friend Koalic in a rat trap. Things could be better, honestly. Uh, I know how you feel. Things could be better over here as well. Especially when you can't go into a Walmart. Here it comes.

What were you going to say? Oh, no, I was just going to, I was going to ask you about that. Oh, well, I'll tell you this. When you're a rookie, they can teach you everything about being a cop, but they can't teach you how to live with a mistake. And so the mistake you made when you went into the Walmart was...

Look, I got to be honest with you, man. I've been doing desk duty for years. I was a street cop until, well, the Walmart. Right. See, I, uh, I walked in, I was looking for, looking for some snacks. You see, my, uh, my kid had a little league baseball game that night, and it was my duty to be the parent on snacks.

Yeah. I was trying to figure out what do kids like? What do kids like to eat after a baseball game? Orange slices, little Debbie snack cakes, Capri suns. That's what I liked when I was a kid. Yeah, all classics. But I didn't know. I was racking my brain.

I didn't want to embarrass my son by bringing bad snacks. Right. Do you like Gatorade or 10K? You know? All these kids these days just want, just like water. Just like bottled water. No kids like water. Well, I think that, I think less they like water,

but more that their parents are like, we don't want them to have liquid sugar. So. Yeah, but I wasn't like most parents. It was the age. Right. That's right. That's right.

You told me you got on desk duty, or you started in the force of 1988. So then I started walking up to all these random kids in Walmart and saying, hey kid, if you were playing Little League Baseball, what kind of snack would you want? And the kids started screaming, because there's a weird question for an adult man

to ask him in the middle of the Walmart. Yeah. So to stop the screaming, I would take them by the neck and grab their mouths, you know? And I'm a strong dude. You know, I was a young rookie cop. I was at the strongest I would ever be in my life. Right.

And I accidentally twisted the kid's neck. Then another kid saw me and said, hey, you just killed that kid. So I had to run over to him and twist his neck, because I couldn't, he was, he was tell. I'd lose my job. Yeah. Then another kid ran up and said,

hey, that was my little brother. So I had to twist her neck. She was a girl. Then the parent came up and said, you just twisted the neck of my two kids. Of course, I couldn't imagine the misery that parent was going to live with, not having any kids.

So I twisted the mom's neck. And the dad walked up and was like, you just killed my wife and my kids. And I was like, yeah, this is going to be hard for you. I'll put you out of your misery. I twisted his neck. And you were in uniform this whole time? Yeah.

Oh my God. And then the Walmart manager came up and was like, hey, I can help you get out of here. I'm also a criminal. And I'm using this job to cover it up. But I don't trust people. So I twisted his neck. Wow.

One mistake. And now I'm on destiny. Yeah. And you got to live with that forever. I got to live with that mistake for the rest of my life. And I can never go back into a Walmart. So, uh, Al, I have to ask, what snack did you end up getting?

Zebra cakes. Oh, Zebra cakes. I haven't had those in forever. Yeah, they're good. They're good. Yeah, those are good. I feel like they changed the recipe on them, though. Like, they might more process now than they once were.

I'd have to have them as an adult and see if they taste like what I remember, because it's been a while. I recently had some. And let me tell you, I was let down. But the honey buns are still very good. Captain Mookie Blakelock from the Quincy Police Department rolls up onto the scene.

Hey, Sergeant. Huh? You're relieved. Get out of here. I'm taking over. What do you mean I'm relieved? You're relieved. Okay.

You're supposed to be sitting at a desk right now. I'm the captain. I'm taking over. You understand? Damn it. Death's duty. It always goes back to that damn death's duty. I have not had one person on my force

that has snapped ten necks and not been put on death's duty. Well, why? Back to your desk. Sit down at it. Scribble on some paper or whatever it is you do. I will handle this from here. You understand me? Yes, captain.

Thank you. Well, Weiger, it's been nice talking to you. Al, I don't care how many kids next you snapped. You're a good man. And I want to have a beer with you someday. We'll have that beer. And I'll tell you about how that night, at my kid's baseball game, I snapped the whole team's neck.

Hey, man, the longer this takes, the more lives we're going to lose. You understand? Hey, if you want to reach me, you can reach me at area codes 617-745-3712. That's a Boston area code. Now get out of here. Yeah, that's the area code to the Bursar's office at Eastern Nazarene College.

But they'll connect you with me. Got it. Where I grew up, it was 508. All right. Back to death's duty. I'm doing numbers, so I'll remember that Al. Captain, can I take your car? Because my car's got a dead dude on it.

No, you can't take my fucking car. You can walk if you don't have a car. Damn. You snapped one baseball team's neck, and this is how you get treated. Todd, I swear to fucking God, if I look at your face for one more second, I'll snap your neck.

Get out of here. All right, all right, all right, all right, I'm going. Hey, kid, what kind of snacks do you like? Quincy PD's going in and we're shooting hostages until we get those motherfucking terrorists. Who are you talking to? Who is this? Are you one of the terrorists?

I am not one of the terrorists. My name is Weigur. I am not one of the terrorists. My name is Weigur. You sound like a fucking pussy. That may be the case, but I'm no terrorist, sir. How dare you come out of that building right now, hands up, on your knees,

surrender your weapons, and get in the back of the car nice and quiet and easy. Do you understand me? Yeah, I understand you, but I'm not going to comply with your directive. I'm the man on the inside trying to take care of business, trying to keep people safe in here. They're terrorists.

Not me. There's some hoes in this house. There's some hoes in this house. There's some hoes in this house. What the fuck? I'm not getting any music here. Who is this? What am I talking to?

You're talking to Johns Gaber, international terrorist and current owner of the Snackatomy Plaza in Quincy, Mass. Oh, hi, Johns Gaber. I'm the captain of the Quincy fucking police department. So why don't you surrender right now, come out here, and let me take you on a perp walk all the way through the fucking...

Where's Quincy? The North Shore? Aren't you the Quincy police captain? I'm going to take you on a fucking perp walk all the way through the South Shore. Hey, Quincy PD, I'm the only one taking perps on a walk over here. That's right. The FBI's here now. Motherfucker.

Yeah, I'm the only one fucking your mother. Oh, fuck you, you fucking asshole. You wish you could fuck my asshole. My mother fucking died in the line of duty. Yeah, well, she'll die right in my dick. I'm going to ask the terrorists what they want but actually cut the power to the building as soon as they let the guard down

with a goddamn knife. One of the terrorists is on the call. Yeah, can we talk about my bad luck first? Who's on here? I know you just said your plan to one of the terrorists. Who's on here? Who am I talking to? Hold on, one at a time, one at a time. Hold on, I hear a couple of voices.

I just want to confirm. I, ahead of a terrorist organization, tried to tune in to hear one of my favorite pop songs on the pop radio, happened to tune into a Quincy PD police captain, a federal special agent from the Federal Bureau of Investigations, and a third guy from ATF or DEA or CFNM or S to mouth or any one of those?

I'm from DB, Doe Boys, and I killed one of your men, Gaber, and now I have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho. I think it's a six hour. No, you know what? Actually, it's an AR-15. It's an AR-15.

Okay, you're terrifying me, someone who has terror in their job title. Just stay away from Marilyn Manson and Halo and stuff, okay? You listen to me, you tear-fuck. What are your demands? Oh, I got big old demands. Step one, I want funneled patronage from the Platinum Plate Club,

funneled directly to the Action Boys Shadow Wolf Tier, $8 a month at ActionBoys.biz with a Z. What am I made of money? And that's not all. I want Mack Weldon. I want, and this is specific, you don't need to get me anything, but I need you to purchase Mack Weldon Underwear using the promo code Mighty.

And once I receive a pickup of my ad and know that they're gonna do another month, then I'll release a hostage. Joke's on you, motherfucker. I'm one step ahead. I made that pictures a week ago. Oh, you caught me, I think. That was a fucking tactical move on your part.

You purchased men's underwear ahead of this fucking conversation. That's why I'm in charge. Hey, PD, take a hike. I already told you. We're not in Washington, D.C. We're in Quincy, Massachusetts. You're on my turf. This is my case.

You understand me? And you're on my dick, but you don't hear me making a scream about it. Fuck you. Hey, what does FBI stand for? Fucking bitch. Fucking idiot. What the fuck was it?

That doesn't make sense. You don't fuck. I'm sorry. I think the walkie went out for a little bit. I missed. Did you hit her? You sounded like you had a good one, but I missed the tail end of it.

I think something fell out. Yeah, I asked her if FBI meant fucking bitch idiot. Oh, yeah. No, you threw in another fucking. Because you were thinking you were like fucking bitch. Fucking idiot. What am I a fucking? You're nothing.

I'm not fucking bare-burn. I don't just come up with this shit off the top of my head. You're nothing. Take a fucking hike. You know what? I wish I could hike, but I was shot in the leg 10 years ago. That's why I'm a captain.

I mostly just show up to hostage negotiations and just kind of talk into a microphone and direct my guys. So I wish I could take a hike. I too was shot in the leg 10 years ago. You don't hear me screaming about it. I'm about to shoot both of you with my jizz and your fucking eyes

and blind you with my kind of power. Take a fucking hike. If you shoot me, I'll fucking shoot you. I do not give a fuck. I have fucking immunity. Captain of the Quincy Police Department? Jesus Christ, what is that? You know, stand outside of a Dunkin' Donuts

and salute all day long in honor of some shit? Yeah. Okay. What's the problem with that? It's that and then it's mostly just drunken disorderlies. You being accused of them? Sometimes. What's it matter to you?

What's it to you? You fucking terrorist? At least I never fucking did any terrorist shit. Hey, hey, can I ask you, while we're on the topic of Dunkin' Donuts, because you know my podcast, we review chain restaurants, how many forks would you give Dunkin' Donuts? Out of five.

You sick fuck. Like if you're going to rate it from zero to five forks, as a regular, as someone who lingers outside of them a lot. What the fuck is this? What? What do you want me to do right now? Did you try that new ice coffee, that new influencer TikTok ice coffee by any chance, Captain?

The Chalee? The Chalee. Yeah. What did you think? Yeah, I love the Chalee. I mean, it wasn't called the Chalee when I used to have it. It was just cream, sugar, and a bunch of caramel. My daughter loves Chalee D'Amelio.

Geez. And I lost my daughter 10 years ago. Same day I was shot in the leg. The boy went through my leg and into her hat. So she, but she loves this current TikToker? Yeah, I imagine she would if she was still alive and was 27 years old. Okay, okay, that makes sense. You fucking asshole.

Sorry. So it's not like four forks for Duncan from you. I'm just, I'm just assuming. Fine. Minus one fork for your daughter being killed outside. Yeah, it loses a fork for that. I'll tell you what. Got it.

The guy had just come out of Dunkin' Donuts. He was drunk. He was getting a coffee to sober up. I said, hey, come over here, you. And he shot me. And my daughter was doing that shy thing behind my leg where she goes, daddy, daddy. Yeah, I brought her to work that day. Seems kind on you.

You know where my wife was? On my dick. Yeah. On someone's dick. Was it you? I'll fucking kill you. I'll fucking murder you. Like you basically murdered your daughter.

I'm the terrorist. And I've made zero threats so far on this walkie-talkie. Keep the two full-on fortune of visuals. Have made various physical threats. Yeah. And discussed previous physical violence you guys have committed. Because that's what we were trained to do. I'll kick your ass, too, you fucking terrorist.

Now cut the power. All the lights in Snackatomy Tower go out. It's pitch black. Perfect. Just what I always needed. You merely adopted the duck. I was born in it. Aw, I can't see in the dark anymore ever since my Lasik.

This is my night vision shot. I see halos over light sources and darkness. Weiger continues to crawl through the vents of Snackatomy Tower. With its power out, it's even darker than usual. Until he gets a call. I gotta get through these vents. Oh wait, someone's calling me. Oh god.

Alright. Hey Mitch. Hey, Wikes. It's me. How are you doing? I'm up in the fence. I actually saw Koalik a little while ago. What?

So, uh, things could be better, man. Koalik was up there? What was he doing? He's... What do you think he's doing? He's looking for cheese. Yeah, he caught in the rat trap looking for cheese. Oh my god, caught in another rat trap.

Just like old times, eh, buddy? Just like old times. You know, it kind of brings a smile to my face. But man, things down here are crazy. They've taken over the entire Snackatomy Tower. Where the fuck are you? You disappeared. Like fucking usual.

I'm hiding in the vents, alright? You're hiding in the vents! Yeah, I was getting too much social anxiety from those terrorists. What the fuck? So you went into the vents? Yeah, I was nervous. I wouldn't have to talk to anybody. You see the shit that's going on down here?

One of their guys, German Hanford, he's dead. Yeah, you have me to thank for that. Wait, what? I fucking killed him. You fucking killed a guy? I killed him. What the fuck? And you know what?

I didn't feel anything. Jesus! It was easy. This is my worst nightmare coming alive, holy shit. I knew this day would come. All I felt from it was powerful. Why? Look, you gotta use this newfound power, which I knew was inside you all along.

And you have to murder all these bad guys. You get me? I gotta take out more terrorists? You gotta take out more terrorists. You gotta save me in the Snackatomy building. They killed Susser. And? Isn't that enough for you to get revenge?

No, you know what? That's pretty bad. You're right. That's pretty bad. And hey, why are you using the vents to sneak around? Look, I gotta tell you, you're not peeking on people, are you? My mom hates when people do that. I've done a little peeking.

I'm not gonna lie. I've done some peeking. What are you peeking on? You know. The bathrooms? Maybe. Jesus. I know there's a kindergarten on the first floor.

All right. Look, I'm gonna try to use my mobility through these vents to find another one of these terrorists and take them out. You just take care of yourself, okay, Mitch? I may be mad at you, but I want to see you in one piece when all this shit is over. And I'm sure that you're pretty lubed up. I know that you keep lubed on hand a whole time. Oh, yeah.

Put it all around your body. You're sliding through those vents easily. I got Astro-Glide in both pockets, just ready to be dispensed whenever needed. Hey, while you're out, you mind picking up a couple of Popeye's chicken sandwiches, me and some of the other hostages are kind of getting hungry. And hey, don't try to cook- You and some of the other hostages? All right, look, Susser's dead, so I don't know if I can blame it on a ton of people,

but just pick up some fucking Popeye's chicken sandwiches. Oh, you want me to pick up Popeye's chicken sandwiches for you in the middle of a hostage situation? This is why the podcast didn't work. You're unreasonable. The podcast doesn't work, because every chance you get, you're up in the fucking vents. Well, maybe I belong up here. Yeah, you do. With that fucking rat, Koalik.

Fuck that rat, am I right? Yeah, fuck Koalik. All right, bye. Bye. Down below the vents, Gabris roams into one of the Snackatomy meeting rooms. He's too busy daydreaming about Long Island to notice Weigur slink out of the vent right behind him. Suddenly, they are face-to-face, in a face-off. Who the hell are you?

Drop it. Don't shoot, please don't shoot. You're one of the... Oh, my name is... It's me, your lovely wife, Natalie. Weigur suspects nothing and believes this. Oh, hey, Natalie. Oh, it's so good to see you.

Oh, my God, shake my hand. Oh. Hi, Weigur. Weigur, Nicholas. Can I have that gun for a second? I'm sorry, I'm just... You know, I don't like to be included in your silly little dole-boys tricks that you guys do in your holiday jaunts. I've told you countless times to keep my name out your fucking mouth, Nick, and...

Yeah, it's true. Here you are on national podcast telling people I'm your wife, your lovely wife. Give me that gun, I'm tighter this bullshit. Nick, Weigur, Hick, Tiger, Hunk, Weigur? Yeah, go buy all of those here. Look, you're clearly my wife. Let me just give you this gun, because I trust you. Thanks, and now I'll let you call me Chick Weigur on your anniversary like you've been asking.

Whoa, really? Your anniversary, not ours. Yeah, I know, I know our arrangement. Weigur hands over his gun. Ha! I was not Natalie at all. His eye, John's, Gabor, terrorist extraordinaire. Now, it's time for you to die, Weigur.

I mean, time for you to Weig harder. I didn't work this part out. It's time for you to die. No. No bullets. This big old gun and it's firing fucking blanks. The irony! The irony!

Are you sure? Are you sure there's no bullets? Huh? Do you want to try again? Yeah, okay. Can you take it out of your mouth so I can try just take a look? Yeah, sorry. Jesus.

Okay, here. Hold on. Okay, back up a little. I don't want to get your brains on me if this does work. Okay, all right. Sure. God, I feel like I'm going to stand off in a fucking cop thriller. You're holding the gun to your head like a psycho.

Yeah, it's right here. That's a kill shot. So just... I mean, if you want to just sit there, I can maybe take you a butt to the temple and just kill you that way. But... I mean, try the bullets. Let's see if we can try the bullets first. Jesus Christ, wants to die but doesn't want to experience pain.

Completely relatable. Okay. Fuck! Damn it! Run around with fucking empty cartridge. My whole life. Man, there's no bullets. And you're sure you're not my wife?

Yeah, and not for a lack of trying. Oh, man. All right, well, I better get out of here. He's bouncing away on his hog like a pogo stick. Yahoo! And now he's on his back and his hog is spinning. He's flying around like a little mini gyrocopter. Whee!

I'm up with the clouds. Okay, now he's just showing off. Wiger helicopters his way up to another floor of the Snackatomy Tower. Unfortunately, he lands back in enemy territory, as German Betsy is patrolling the very same level. Okay, I'll just... sneak through here... like solid snake.

Here we go. Holy shit! There he is! Sneak it around! Yes, I gotta fucking kill him now! Hey you! Oh no, my cover's blown. Hey you!

Hey, hi. I'm Wiger. Okay, I'm German Betsy. Oh, hi! But hey, get ready to eat some bullet. Shit, I don't want to eat that. Yeah, you do. Come on, man.

No, I don't know. Eat some fucking bullet, man! I gotta run. Aw, man, he's running. I gotta follow. I'm telling you, come on! Eat this fucking bullet! You're gonna love it!

I'm not gonna eat the bullet. That's going to kill me. What's your favorite cereal? Uh... Probably... Bullets! No, it's not... I was not...

No, it's not... Oh my god, she's shooting the glass. She's shooting all the glass panes that are in this office, in this new office building. Oh, man. And I'm here with bare feet. I was really hoping I would hit his body, but I just keep shooting all around him.

Shit! Okay. Come on, why are you going down? Get ready to suck on some bullet. I don't want to suck on him. Yeah, you do. Oh, I got no choice but to run through this broken glass. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

It's sharp. It's sharp. It's sharp. Ow. Ow, my Tootsies. Ow, it's sharp. Ow. Ow.

All right. Through the glass. Oh, no. Someone dropped a bunch of Legos on the floor. Oh, I got no choice but to run. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, it hurts. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, my feet. My Tootsies.

Ow, ow, ow. All right. Oh, there's a gun in this conference room. I find it like an even the odds. Hey, German Betsy, eat this bullet. What. Whoa, but I don't like eating bullets. I only like serving bullets.

You see, when the tables are turned, it's not so fun is it? Right. But I don't eat bullets, but you love eating bullets. I don't love eating bullets. It's your favorite. I don't like putting ranch on them. I don't like putting ranch on them. And just scooping them up in your mouth.

That's not, I don't know where you read that. It's not true. I don't like eating bullets. It doesn't matter which condiment I'm dipping them in. Not something I want to consume. Hey, come on. Let me be, let me, let me, will you be the first person I kill? Come on.

You've never killed anyone before? No, not yet. Not yet. I've gotten close. I've gotten very close, but they got away. Cause I didn't actually hit them with my bullets. I gotta say, this has been a day of first times for me. I mean, like you're, this is the first time you've ever tried to kill someone.

And then my limo driver, Lamar Gile, that was the first time he'd ever driven a limo. And then back on the plane, I sucked this guy off in the bathroom. That was his first time ever getting sucked off on a plane. Whoa. It's just what, what a day this has been. Wow. That's pretty impressive. Is that, so are you part of the mile high club or do you have to like have sex to be that?

I, I mean, to me that's sex. I guess it depends on what people want to, you know, to me that's, that counts as sex. Okay. Cause to me, uh-uh, oral stuff, you're still a virgin. Oh really? Yeah, that's how I was raised in Germany. Oral and but, you're, you're good to go. So that's maybe like a European thing.

In America, we just kind of have, you know, a little bit more prudish standards. Oh, okay, okay. Whoa. What a day. Come on, let me kill you, man. It'll be so cool. I don't want you to kill, why don't you kill, why don't you kill, like, John's Gaber. He's a bad dude.

What? He's my best friend. He, I may tell you, he is up to no good. What are you talking about? Look at what he's got you roped into here. You're part of this terrorist mob taking over an office building, taking over the Snackatomy Corporation. Is that what you want to do with your life? I mean, it's either that or like, I just, I wear funny clothes and sell beer.

I mean, that sounds pretty cool. Actually, now that you say it, that does sound pretty cool. Yeah. Just fun clothes with my tits out and I just sell beer all day. Now you're talking. Oh, shit. Wait, yeah, what am I doing, huh? Yeah.

I should be in Bavaria fucking selling beer to a bunch of pieces of shit. Yeah, it's October Fest. It can be year round. That can be your whole lifestyle. Yeah. Oh, man. What have I been doing all my life trying to be a terrorist? Come on.

Hey, German Betsy, I'm really glad, you know, my feet may be bleeding and full of Legos, but I am just really glad that we had this moment and this conversation. Because if this sets you on a positive path of life, I mean, I think you're going to exit this building and have a long, prosperous life as a German Bavarian beer wedge. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much, Weiger. I'm going to go. I'm out of here.

I'm off to be a Bavarian beer wedge. Yay. I would have let you kill me. Wait. Oh, come on. Too late now. It's too late. Too late.

Too late. I'm not a terrorist anymore. I'm a beer wedge. All right. Bye. Love you. Oh, okay. She didn't, she didn't return at home.

A joyful German Betsy exits the building and walks into the Snackatomy Tower parking garage. Wow. I can't believe I was a terrorist. Well, now I'm going to be a Bavarian beer maid. Oh, I'm excited. Yeah. So anyway, you know, that's what I was saying. So I'm pretty much going to probably get the cotton nail toilet paper this time.

All right. Oh, shit. I got to go, baby. They go a bad guy right there. Let me hang up on you real quick. I'm about to hit this motherfucker with my car. But first, I got to put on this Billy Joel. At the same time, Lamar Geil was camped out in the parking garage talking to his girl.

Oh, whoa. A long car is coming at me. Oh, no. I'm not getting out of the way of it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, my God. Oh, my God. The car ran over me. Oh, my God.

It's still, oh, it's still running over me. Oh, God. This is such a long car. You would think they would feel the bumps of a body underneath them, but they're still driving. Whoa. Oh, my God. It feels like they're picked up speed.

Oh, God. No. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay. Is it done? Oh, no. It's just a big break in the wheels.

Oh, God. Here comes some more wheels. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. All of my insides are just getting pushed up. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, my God. It's still going. Oh, God. Oh, I think it's over. I think it's over. Oh, no. Oh, God. They're reversing.

Oh, come on. Why would they do? Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. They're reversing. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, it may be if I just put my head closer towards the tire, it'll end this stuff right now. Oh, God. Oh, God. No. My head took it pretty easily. Oh, God.

Oh, I thought it would smush like a watermelon but it doesn't. Oh, shit. The human body is pretty miraculous and stuff like this. Oh, God. Okay. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Back in the vents, Weiger crawls on like the determined baby that he is. All right. Two bad guys down. No, I just got to take care of that John S. Gaber. Hey, what are you doing here? Who are you? What? I'm just crawling my way through these vents.

Sorry, I'm just... These aren't these vents. These are my vents. You would refer to them as your vents. Uh-huh. I mean, I don't know if they're... I don't know if they're... Look, I guess I just like...

Don't you know who I am? Don't try to big time me. I'm John MacLaine and I will big time you because these are my vents and I'm the star Reno of Die Hard at Dino. Oh, my God. I should have known, of course. Yeah. You know, I see you with that filthy tank top and your bloody feet.

It's John MacLaine. This is amazing. And just so you know, this shirt is filthy from Twix Chocolate. Oh, you've been eating Twix's? I love Twix's. They get me through these vents. They give me the energy to get through these vents. Wow, look at him move.

You are so agile. I'm simple. I don't like sort of going around your body in a figure eight fashion. Yeah, you're like an alien. Have you seen an alien? No, never. People keep telling me to watch it because I guess there's a big vent scene. Yeah.

Oh, my God. I think you would love it. Yeah, I'm sorry, but... I mean, you'd know how realistic it was. I thought, I mean, I think of that. I think alien, I think of you when I think of vents. You think of alien, and then you think of me. Okay, cool.

Well, I wasn't saying that order. I think kind of on the same level. They're both classic vent scenes. I was telling you about how these are my vents. Yeah. And like 99% of all assholes you brought up alien. No, that's fine. You know, I mean, I wasn't trying to be confrontational.

I just... No, I will wear that Tom Scarrett. Got his skinny ass into a vent for alien. I am aware. But you know what? I don't have to smell garbage to know it stinks. I don't have to watch it. That's what I mean.

Yeah, I... You know what? Tom Scarrett in here, I will rip his balls off. And suck his dick while I'm doing it. I don't think you'd say that to scare it, just honestly. Like, I know you're a tough guy. I don't think you'd say that to a smaze. If Tom Scarrett...

Yeah, you're right. Yeah. I just don't... I think it's like you're talking a big game, but I don't think you'd actually do it. But anyway, I just like... Do you have any tips? I gotta navigate through these vents.

I mean, you're clearly one of the best at it. Well, you got Twix, so... Right? Yeah, I do have... Yeah, I got fucking Twix. You kidding me? You want to go into a vent without some Twix? Yeah, why?

Do I look... Am I crazy? Hey, hey, I've been in here a while. They still spell it T-W-I-S, right? Uh, I think so. I don't want to be walking and crawling around here like some asshole thinking it's spelled T-W-X and they changed it. No, I don't think they changed...

I mean, unless they changed it... I mean, I guess... I guess I haven't seen a Twix commercial for a while. So maybe they changed it in their marketing and maybe just like... What are you doing here? You got to move into a vent without seeing a Twix commercial? Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't... I was expected to come into a Twix when I got in here. You want tips? First of all, don't be an asshole coming in here talking about a helmet. That bridge has been crossed. Second of all, here's my tip. Mm-hmm. Nick, you gotta get out of here.

You got your podcast partner to save. You're right. Look, I don't look in front of my wife, but something way more important is your podcast partner. No, I mean, I agree. You know, the right Twix, to my left Twix, if you will, is out there on his own with the villainous Johns Gaber. I gotta get out of here.

Uh, John McClain, it's been an honor. Thank you. Yeah, and uh... Hey, if I had a choice between Kiss and Bobby Badealier and Mike Mitchell, I'd choose Mike Mitchell, so... I am the brother. I am the brother. Give that guy a big swoosh for me.

What did you say? Bobby, I didn't mean it, baby. Oh, boy. I'll let you deal with this. That's fantastic. You got your hands full. Okay, all right, bye. Hey.

Hey. It's me, John McClain. Whoa, oh, Senator John McCain? That's right, I got lost up in these vents. Oh, wait, so you didn't die after all? You just been in the vents? I just been in the vents. I followed John McClain up here.

Oh, that's... Oh, that's the smell. You're half rotten. Oh, God, yeah. Sorry about that. Before you came back to life, some of your body started to decompose? Yeah, the bottom half. Did you die or did you die and come back to life or did you never die in the first place?

You know what happened? I died and then I had forgotten that I had passed. So if you don't realize you died, you don't actually die. That's why Reagan's still alive. He didn't know. Reagan and me, yeah. Anyway, what I'm looking for is I just overheard you guys talking about alien and I kind of got interested in checking it out.

Have you not seen it? Have you not seen it? Okay, bye. I don't want to hear you talk about alien. Wow, he scrambled other quick. He probably has a Twix on him. Hey, can you tell me which tube I should go through if I want to go watch Alien? I mean, I don't know if these vents, not tubes, lead anywhere.

They lead to like alien. I think they just... Yes. I think we just go back this way. I just went. I think you'll get back out to the main floor. So that might get you out of here. You can find yourself a TV or whatever.

Okay, see you then. Okay. Dad, dad, there you are. Will you come on to the view? Oh boy, Megan McCain. Back up into the vents for me for a while. All right. Look, I got to get back to my podcast partner.

Well, good luck. John McCain. Thank you for being one of our greatest Americans. I'm a true hero, and I hope that you are too. I'm getting out of here. Hey, what's going on? You're just jacking off. No, I was climbing through the vents.

Those are vent climbing noises. Jacking off. Well, I thought that maybe that was you were kind of setting a precedent. So as you can see, I start jacking off a little bit myself. Yeah, you're jacking off. You're like dead half. It's fucking disgusting. Oh, I just finished it.

It was just a bunch of white powder. Oh, God. All right, I'm getting out of here for good. Oh, it's like one of those owls waist pockets. Like a leathery pouch with bird bones in it. You talking about a pellet, an owl pellet? John McCain, come to that. All right, goodbye, Nick.

Good luck. Bye. I miss that. Weiger pushes through his final grate to find himself on the roof of the Snackatomy Tower. John's Gaber is there with me, Mitch. He's holding a gun to my back, and he's planning to escape on a helicopter that can hopefully hold the weight of both him and his much lighter hostage, me. Finally out of these vents and up on the roof. Oh my God.

There's Gaber with Mitch. Don't move, John's Gaber. Not one step further. You either help me escape or I kill your friend Mitch two to three years before he was going to go naturally anyway. Wait, sorry. You're going to kill Mitch? That's what this whole thing's about? I think so.

I honestly, you know, I forgot some of the other things that happened today. I kind of hit my head pretty hard. Right. I want to see after I ran into you that if you could actually kill someone with a gun butt, I blasted myself in the temple, and then I've kind of been loopy all afternoon since then. You're trying to hit yourself in the head with a gun butt? Yeah, I went like rake home style and tried to kill myself with bludgeoning, just to see if it is something you could kill someone with. It knocked me on. I guess you just don't have the capabilities to really swing.

It's like a, you know, a survival mechanism. You can't swing hard enough to kill yourself. Your brain just won't let you try. Hey, Wags, help save me. What the fuck, man? What do you mean? Why didn't you save me? Why'd you abandon Doughboys and go to Quincy?

Because I wanted to start something bigger. Look at this tower, Wags. Snackatomy. I made this for you. Oh, okay. I have more context now for my own terrorist attack. Okay, yeah. Well, sorry, Nick.

I know you guys are trying to reconnect, but I'm ready to off this motherfucker. And as soon as I off him, it's off to illumination to set off my final explosion and wipe them out from being able to create any future minions content. You son of a bitch. That's the sickest thing I've ever heard. You can kill my friend. You can absolutely kill him just brutally. What the fuck? And you can torture him to death, but don't threaten the minions franchise.

Put five or six bullets in his head. It's not even phased him. Huh? Yeah, he's got like a built-in football helmet. Fuck, my gun blew up backwards like fucking Elmer's when Bugs was his finger in the muscle. What the hell happened with this dude's head? Jesus Christ. Are you getting bit by-

Let go of me, Wiger. Oh, he's punching. Wiger's punching me too, just to be clear. Fuck. Jesus Christ. We have such different physiques, Wiger. You should be able to tell our physiques apart. I am an athletic terrorist named Johns Gaber, and this is a fat comedian owner of Snackatomy Plaza, Mike Mitchell.

We are different human beings. Oh, I think he knows it's me. Oh, he's fucking punching me. I'm actually taking a break. I'm tying my shoe right now, and he's really teeing off on Mitch. Ah, fuck. Wiger's hitting my dick and balls with just one knuckle on his fist. He's covering my whole thing.

Fuck. Ah, shit. Wiger, you're not mad at me. You want to take out Gabers. I am mad at you, but you're right. I got to focus on Gaber. Gaber, time for you to go over. Welcome to the party, pal, which is what I say when I'm about to leave an event.

Oh, no, he put on those goggles like Bob or Kevin or one of them. This means he's ready for business. One big goggle on the tip of his dick. Oh, he hit me with it. That's Stewart. Stewart's the one with one eye. Ah! Oh, oh, oh, my God.

I can't believe, thank God, Wiger's exposed erect hog was hanging off the side of Snackatomy Plaza, and I was able to grab it. Now, luckily I have no problems doing pull-ups or chin-ups, because I am an athletic head of a terrorist organization, so I'll just be pulling myself on this hog to salvation. I've had 300 pounds on the end of my dick before. I joke all the time. Let me tell you something else.

People always think I'm Wyge Hard, but sometimes I'm also Wyge Soft. He's thinking of traditional hetero sex, and it's making him soft. Wow, it's really long. I've fallen quite a bit still able to hold on to his soft hog. It's like the fire hose from that movie Die Hard, which I never saw just to see in a commercial for it.

Whoa! I never saw it either. He fell. Oh, I'm bouncing back up like a punchy car. Oh, my God. He's rolling it up to himself like a fucking measuring tape. I have nothing to hold on to, and I'm falling again! Holy shit!

He's, Wyger, you shot him into, you shot him into space. He's gonna dock with the ISS. Wow, he's blocking out the moon. It's an eclipse. Yippee-ki-yay, cuck, motherfucker. Wyges, you sick fuck. So what do you say, Wyges? How about we go back to my place and my mom can make up a bed for you?

How about your mom make up a bed for all of us? Ow! Ow! Welcome to the party, pal. Thanks for having me. It's good to be here. Hey, what do you say all three of us go to Walmart and pick up some snacks? Wow.

Ah, that would be great end to the night. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. Merry Christmas, everyone. Hey, happy holidays, everybody. We hope you celebrate 2021 with a vengeance. Thank you all so much for listening and for all your support in this fucking crazy year. We love you. Who is that famous Iraqi, infamous Iraqi terrorist who was on the cover of the New York Post

when he was being arrested? That's exactly what Susser looks like. Just a flick on your face. So miserable. Yes, yes, yes. Can you guys see Sussers? Do you have gallery view? That's why exactly who I was thinking of.

That's so funny.