Doughboys - Waffle House with Carl Tart (LIVE)

Episode Date: May 16, 2019

For our first time in Alabama, we're joined by Carl Tart (Comedy Bang! Bang!, Brooklyn Nine-Nine) to visit a southern staple known for its resiliency in staying open 365 days a year: Waffle House. Plus, an unexpected live edition of Snack or Wack. Recorded live at Stand Up Live Huntsville on April 10, 2019.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. On April 7, 1979, President Jimmy Carter signed a bland, technocratic, and vaguely ominous sounding executive order called Reorganization Plan No. 3. This act created the Federal Emergency Management Agency, or FEMA, the US government's official disaster response arm. And while FEMA's effectiveness seems to waver based on the administration under which it serves, it has become a critical branch of the federal government, especially as climate change leads to ever more frequent and destructive floods, wildfires, tornadoes, and hurricanes.

In 2011, FEMA Administrator Craig Fugate, in search of an easy shorthand for the public to understand the severity of storms, created an index named after a 24-7 Southern breakfast eatery. Because of the chain's presence scattered across the most storm-prone areas of the US, as well as its refusal to close except under near-apocalyptic circumstances, the index is a vivid indicator of how hard a region surrounding a given restaurant is hit. Well green means that location has full menu available, yellow only a limited menu, often because a backup generator has been drafted into action, and red means closed, in which

case, to quote FEMA Administrator Fugate, that's really bad. The chain in question was founded in 1955 in Avondale, Estates, Georgia, but has its origins in part in Yankee, New England, where co-founder Joe Rogers got his start at Connecticut's Tuttle House. Today, this different house, named after its most popular menu item, has over 2,000 locations in half the US states, and over 200 in Alabama alone. And its index persists as an important media tool, though the chain prides itself on keeping red alerts to an absolute minimum.

As CEO Walt Amherst said in a 2012 interview, quote, after many of the storms, it's very often that we'll hear from folks, this is the first hot meal I've had in a week. Next week on Doe Boys, Waffle House. What's up guys, welcome to Doe Boys Live. Jesus Christ. I don't know if I've had an immediate fuck up before. What a way to start the show. Guys, Usong Liu sitting to my left over here, our producer extraordinaire.

Not our usual setup having Usong in plain sight of the audience for people listening. But I think, I like it, I like the stage picture, you look over there, you look like the world's meekest DJ. Give it up for DJ, sorry. Guys, I'm very, very excited to be here. Bama, how you guys doing all right in my first time in Bama, how you guys doing? Many people here, everyone very nice, but before we go any further, we've got to get not nice.

This week's roast is courtesy of At Beta Alex 81. Let me introduce my co-host, the living embodiment of scattered, smothered and covered. Make some noise for the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. You nerd, do you think Bruce Bruce or Seinfeld comes up on stage and nervously runs off to get their laptop? Yeah, no, those are like comedians. I'm a guy who reads a dry monologue, grip from a Wikipedia entry. Dear God.

And then we review fast food poorly. All right, fair enough. Mitch, scattered, smothered and covered in reference to a hashbound preparation from this week's chain. Also the name of a Hootie and the Blowfish album. Wow. I'm curious, as a fan of Dave Matthews, how do you feel about Hootie and the Gang? I feel like it's similar sort of a sort of easy rock, right?

Yeah, it's fun. It's Hootie and the Blowfish is fun. We can all enjoy Hootie and the Blowfish. We can all enjoy Hootie. What a mixed reaction. Like 30% of the audience is on board. I don't want to be with you. That's a good song.

Yeah, I was at a cheesecake factory once and this is true. This is true. I was at a cheesecake factory and that song was playing on the PA and as we sat down, it hit the end of the chorus and at that exact moment our waiter approached the table and joined in and said, I only want to be with you. How are you folks doing tonight? And I was like, I'm tipping 40% of these fucking rules. Wow.

Yeah, he was great. He saw Mark coming in and he made his move. Nick, I was like, I was like, I'm going to like not shave and go big bearded for Alabama, you know? And then I just kind of look like shit. Everyone else looks good. No one has a while. I mean, like people are bearded, but they take care of their beers.

I just look crazy. I mean, in all fairness, that's not the reason you look like shit. Many factors at play here. I'm feeling like shit, too. You're having some tummy troubles. I'm having a bad tour, folks. How the hell do you in the South, does everyone have constant like stomach aches? How the fuck do you guys, how do you eat like this?

It's insane. Well, people just like cheered for IBS. It's beautiful. It's beautiful down here. It's lovely. Absolutely. It's really beautiful. I keep saying the word picturesque because we're driving right through the countryside.

It's great. It is picturesque. I've spent 50% of my time in a bathroom. Yeah. But it's great. Outside of the bathroom is usually great. From your normal average of 45%. All right.

Oh, I got to play. Well, how the hell do Spoon Nation? And you saw, let's play a little drop here. Oh, boy, this always sucks. I was a kid. I was reading the Tropic of Cancer. There's a part where a friend tells him about like fucking an apple. So I tried it.

So I was approaching my final thrusts like, yeah, I hit it with enough intensity for a break into three separate pieces. Oh, God. Return to Innocence. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What was the music bed there? What was that track?

It was the Return to Innocence. And then at the end, it was your story about fucking an apple. Yeah. That I understood clearly. No apples this trip, but you bought a lot of bananas so far. I'm a banana freak. I've been eating those bad boys like I'm Stuart in the gang. Like I'm Gru's crew.

Yeah. You've been going banana nuts. I've noticed. You know what? And you're talking about some, you're having some digestive issues. A banana day. Banana day keeps the rumblies away. That's never been said.

So congrats on saying a sentence that's never been said. I've coined a phrase. That was from Nick and Mitch. I'm a big fan. I really love the show. I enjoyed meeting the two of you and you sung at your live shows in Chicago. Upon telling Mitch at the meet and greet, oh, I should read this beforehand. At the meet and greet, I am a college freshman at Dayton.

He warned me not to waste my youth. So I decided to make a drop, Spoo Nation for Life. Thanks, Kale with a K, like the food. Oh, very fun. It's very fun. All right. We're going to get a walk out soon. Do you, and I don't want to call you out too much on your victim blame here.

But how much of the intestinal distress do you think is self-imposed? Like, could you maybe integrate some more kale into your diet? Like have some more? Oh, you're not blaming me for it? I'm not trying to. I'm trying to come to a solution that benefits you. It's all on me. It's all my fault.

Right. It is. We've eaten like, we had haddy bees and it really is, it's spicy. Hot chicken. Do you guys have the hot chicken down here? Is that a thing? Less of a thing? More of a Tennessee thing?

A little bit. Yeah. Why is it called Huntsville? Is it for hunting? That's a genuine question. Is it the ketchup? You guys know, is Heinz banned in the city limits? Is Huntsville with a Z?

No, I don't think so. No, it's not spelled with a Z. They didn't name their town after ketchup. He just asked it was named after hunting. That makes more sense. I think, I mean, I have six or one half dozen of the other. In the home of Space Camp? Yes.

The Marshall Space Flight Center right here. Do we have any Space Camp attendees in the audience? Anyone go to Space Camp here? Currently attending Space Camp? I guess alums is the origin. Some shouts over there. Very cool. Wow.

How about that? They're sending some guys that look like me into space, apparently. So this is where, if you want on Nickelodeon, this is, you'd get sent to Huntsville? Is that true? Those kids were in for a surprise, I feel like. What do you mean by that? I feel like I always thought you would go down to Florida, like near Nickelodeon Studios. You go to Huntsville?

Wait, so you're talking about if you win a prize on a Nickelodeon game show? You would go to Space Camp. It might be crazy here. No, that's a tie. Right? That was a thing. They all came to Huntsville? That's weird.

I think, there's one in Florida. Oh, okay. All right. That solves that mystery. They probably sent them to the Huntsville one. I hope they sent them to the Huntsville one. Mitch, we've got a lot to discuss. We do.

But first, let's introduce our guest. We're very, very excited to have him from Comedy Bang Bang, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and Rest Development. Give it up for the great Carl Tartt. What an entrance. Carl came out holding three drinks, one for me, one for Mitch, one for himself. They said, I couldn't come unless I bought the drinks. We would never do that.

Carl, thank you for being here. Not from Alabama, but from Mississippi. You grew up there. Yeah, I'm from right next door from Mississippi. Yeah. We got any Mississippians here? A few. Hey, shout out.

All right. Where did you grow up specifically? I grew up in Pascagoula, Mississippi, which was on the Gulf Coast. It's nodding knowingly. I swear to God. Y'all know what that is. It's an industrial town. There's a chevron or a refinery there and an English shipbuilding where most of the

Navy ships that we send out in the world are built right in my hometown. Wow. Very cool. Yeah. Flex. Yeah. Now, Carl, we've been spending some time together in the past couple of days. We had a flight over.

We were sitting in a row and it was, I was in the middle of you guys. And we got, I say, we got in some pretty close company there. Yeah. So clearly, Mitch and I are two thick kings and, but Nick had enough space. So shout out to you song. He set us up with that Comfort Plus. I don't know if y'all know about it, but you need to get on it. And that was, that was room.

He was hiding behind his laptop screen. He was like ducking down. Mitch was asleep for most of the flight and he curled up to the window. But Nick was sitting in the middle, like very scrunched in. Yeah. Work on his laptop. I'm like, Nick, you got room and you can lean over. We know each other.

We've been friends for a while and he was just like, no. And so then I started to get a little self conscious. I'm like, I see the room in between us. You're making me feel bigger than I am. You're giving me body dysmorphia. I felt, I felt like, I felt because I felt very self conscious about that. I was like, oh, I am, I recoil from physical touch, which is a thing I know about myself. Like, I know that's a thing of like, wow, what a lucky wife you have.

I know that's the thing about myself. But you like pointed out, I was like, I am kind of just like scrunched up in here. I should, I should expand out a little bit. But then when I found myself doing it, I was like, I was like, no, you know, like I was like touching the, I was like touching walls with spikes closing in, except they weren't spikes closing in. They were two of my buddies. Yes. What are you talking about?

You think we're spikes? No, I don't. Mention I have very smooth shoulders. Yes. What, what notes were you writing on your laptop? Don't forget laptop. Clearly that backfired. Um, yeah, it was a, we had a nice time.

We had some, some drinks last night. We went out and had a little bit of a, some libations we shared with our buddy you song. That was a lot of fun. The house we're set up with. So the club here is very, very nice to set us up in a little place where we're staying. And Mitch, you're kind of downstairs. You and I and you song are kind of downstairs. Carl, you kind of got the upstairs bedroom.

But let me just say this, man, the fucking lot. I can't believe how lot this would be. It's, it's like, I can't believe how much space there is. The front yard and the backyard. You guys got a lot of space out here. It's absurd. It's ridiculous. The acreage that this house is, this like not like amazing houses sitting on.

Like it's a nice house. I'm not trying to criticize the house of the club provided for us. Very nice house. Uh, but I can't believe the space down here. That's the thing that, that's, that maybe startles me the most is someone who lived his life in Southern California. Space. Yes. Then in more ways than one.

A teen observation from the gentleman in the audience. Carl, what was it like as someone who grew up and spent some time in Mississippi and then spent the other half of your childhood in LA? What was that adjustment like? It was tough because I would like, when I was growing up, we could go anywhere. We'd ride our bikes all around town, go fishing, go, everything. Like me and my friends would like leave at early in the morning, especially in the summertime and leave early in the morning. It wouldn't come back to really late at night.

My mom's yard is like the size of a football field. It's huge. And I own it now. Wow. Flex number two. Thank you so much. And, uh, I moved to California and we immediately were in like apartments and stuff. And I couldn't go outside and play like I used to.

So I would just be like sitting at the edge of the, of the gate, like one of those puppies in the Sarah McLaughlin commercial. Like just wishing I could run out, but I had to stay in like this apartment complex cause we, we lived in the hood. Like my, you know, my mom's single mother, like we couldn't move somewhere not hood-ish. Like it just didn't, it just didn't have the means. And so I had to learn how to, you know,

but basically like play by myself. Right. And like there was other kids sometimes in the complex and stuff like that, but we all just had. So it was very different than being able to like roam around the whole city where you only have to worry about a couple of pedophiles to like, you know, to like go into a place where there's so many more, so many more ills of society.

Right. Like Los Angeles. I'm not sure how many pedophiles are in Huntsville, but they're most likely at the show tonight. If I had to guess. Carl, you already proved helpful and you translated for me. You translated Southern to me. Yeah.

We went to the rental car company. The guy was like, I don't need it. And I was like, what the fuck? It was when we're leaving the airport at the rental car place and the man said, Hey, how you doing? I just need to take the barcode on your car right here. And mixed was like, what? I said, what to him?

I had no idea what he was talking about. Mitch, he needs to check the barcode on the door. He translated for me. I've been told I speak fucked up my entire life. I feel welcomed here. You guys are fucked up. Yeah. That guy, that guy went to like his coworker on break.

I was like, man, this Boston guy, I can understand what the fuck he was saying. He's talking about hot dogs. What the fuck is that? Um, so, uh, we do have one thing we want to address. And it's kind of meta here. So for people who I'm just going to give a little recap here because some of you may not be following Dole Boys on Twitter. And for those of you who are, follow a different account.

There's nothing good on there. Um, but this past week, we kind of had a little bit of a thing with our friend, actor and comedian, Alan McLeod, an Alabama native, aka molasses boy. Great, great, great actor. Been on the show before. Wow. All right. Um, and he, he took to Twitter to, he wanted to be the second guest to our show.

We couldn't logistically make it happen. He went to, he took to Twitter to try to rally people to, uh, to his defense, which certainly worked. Um, but we couldn't work it out. And so as a result, he lashed out and called for a molasses boycott of this performance upon on his name. Uh, we retaliated in turn by instituting a molasses ban. Uh, we were taking Alan not out of, not just out of, uh, live shows, but out of

our studio shows and potentially our back catalog, if this keeps going. And then he escalated that further. Um, anyway, we just wanted to address it here. But, but move forward. But it felt like a thing we had to acknowledge because it was on social media so much. Agreed. Yeah. Um, Alan needs to shut up.

He needs to shut his mouth. For a man who talks so slowly, he certainly had a lot to say this past week. Certainly crammed a lot of words into his Twitter post. Um, uh, but, uh, let's talk about this week's restaurant a little bit. So I'd never been, this is a place I'd never been before. Wow. And like, I want to bring up the menu here. Mitch, you mentioned you been previously.

I've been once before. Had you, had you been in the South though? I went in Florida. In Florida. Okay. Yeah. With my dad. That qualifies.

That qualifies. Yes. Wow. Fuck Florida Waffle Houses and fuck Florida space camp. I am with it. So you went, you went to the one in Florida. I'm going to bring up the menu so we can look at this. And this is, uh, as weird, my laptop's like super sticky and

is there something sticky on the table? Not surprised. Actually, there is kind of a sticky weird film on the table. Was that a cum thing? Like my laptop? Yes. That's why my laptop sticky. Yes.

Your laptop is sticky for an obvious reason. I was beating off and blasting onto my keys like a fucking animal. Jesus Christ. Yes. That's what I was implying. Um, uh, yeah, there is something. No, there's some sticky sort of. What the hell the fuck is this?

Sweet chew. Oh my God. That's molasses boys music. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. No. No.

No. No. Hello, husband. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Thank you, sir.

Southern hospitality. No, how could this be? Protest works. God, no. Alan's here. What the hell. You have molasses on your hands, boys. The molasses is on your hands, boys.

He was in the green room? That's supposed to be under lock and key. Who's the owner of this establishment? I have my ways. I run the state. The state of Alabama? State of Alabama. I'm not politically in charge.

I have my ways. I made it. Wow. This is bullshit. Yeah. And since clearly people did not really follow through on the molasses boycott, I've decided to lift the boycott. Wow.

That's big of you. Thank you. Yeah. That's very big of you. I hope the band is the... Will perhaps the band be lifted? Yeah. If you're going to lift the boycott, we can lift the band.

We can have a detente. Wow. Peace. We have peace in our time. And Alan, having peace in our time, I think we have something about us to acknowledge, which is something where I know that we're different men from different parts of the country, but we've known each other for a while and I realize fundamentally we're the same because I learned that you and I have the same wallet.

Dear Codwiger. We both have a fabric wallet from Herschel brand. The same color, blue with red inside. Why would you think anyone would find this fascinating? Let's show how much money we have. Flex. Flex. How many cards?

I have... This is... We reveal that Alan's here with us and then the first thing you bring up is you have the same fucking wallet. You know what? I have a statement. I have a statement. Whoa.

He has a statement. I have a brief statement to read. Quiet. Quiet everyone now. Quiet. Yeah. Stop laughing from that wallet reveal. I know you guys all exploded at that.

Yeah. You know, a visual prop always works well for a podcast. I'm glad we did that. My statement is as follows. I was born not far from the rocket city in Florence, Alabama. Wow. Yes, my people. I graduated from space camp, a mission specialist first class.

Wow. Is that good? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I was all of nine years old and yet really just a boy. Last week I expressed my dismay for being passed over as the second guest in addition

to the incomparable Carl Tartt. Thank you, King. For the Doughboys live show here in Huntsville. Did I receive a listening ear? No. I received nothing but cruel threats and hate speech in response to my full throated statements. And by full throated, I do not mean what Weiger hopes to feel when a child enters the room. Jesus Christ.

Fucking hell. Oh my God. The victims of the great molasses flood of 1919 did not die in vain. Now that the molasses ban is officially lifted, the molasses boycott is as well. If you canceled your membership to the burger brigade, please recommit your membership status. If you self deported from burger nation, dust off the citizenship papers. If you left the name gang, beat yourself back in. If you canceled your Patreon or otherwise unsubscribe from the Doughboys podcast, that's probably

for the best. And thank you for standing and sticking with molasses boy. Thank you. In the immortal words of James Hatfield and justice for all, rest in peace, James Hatfield. James Hatfield's dead? Yeah. Lead singer Metallica. It's very sad.

Who is James Hatfield? I said he was lead singer Metallica. Oh, that's what you said. I can't understand nothing when I come home here. He lives on in all of us. Freedom fighters. All right. I'm glad that's over.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. Very stirring there. And if you don't know what we're talking about, just go to twitter.com. Do it now during the show. Check twitter.com. We're entertaining them what's happening up here. Alan, you were your nickname molasses boy.

We also learned Carl, you yourself have a new nickname. Yeah. I'm not as slow as molasses, but not as fast as water. So I'm a serp poppy. Wow. Serp poppy. Serp poppy. That's good.

Serp poppy and molasses boy together again. Yeah. You went to space camp? I did. I did. I was, I was on course to be an astronaut. And you would never be, I got into common. There's no way you'd be ready in the 10, 9, 8 countdown.

There's no way you would be ready to go to space. Have you ever seen a fast astronaut in space? No. Okay. Fair. No. So that's not just like the gravitational pull causing them to move slower. They naturally take slow.

Astronauts are naturally slow. Like sloths. It was like 10, 9, and you're like, I'm just getting my suit on. Hold on one second. That would always advertise that space camp on TV when I was little. And I would say like, oh, grandma, I want to go to that. And she'd be like, shut up. You're going to the boys and girls club.

My grandfather got, gave me a gift of going to space camp because I was would just otherwise be playing at ditches in the woods and stuff. And so, yeah, not long. I think I was talking a lot about space camp because I saw the movie and then he sent me there. I forgot about the movie. My mom sent me to Camp Fatima, not a fat camp. And I've said this before, but she's like, I was going to send you to Camp Fatima. And then I found out that the priest was touching the campers.

And I was like, you sent me to Camp Fatima. She still sent me to Camp Fatima. And she's like, I called and I talked to them and I said, no one can, no one better touch my son. That's insane. She shouldn't have sent me to Camp Fatima. It was a fat camp. So a fat camp, it was called Camp Fatima? It was called Camp Fatima after our lady Fatima, some lady, I don't know.

Was she, was she fat? I don't think she was fat. I think this is very much in vain what you're saying right now. She's like a friend of Mary. I don't know if anyone knows the deal. Does anyone know who Fatima is? It's Fatima. Fatima, is that what it is?

Oh, so I just had it wrong all these years? Yeah. Oh, well. There's weird priests there. You need to go back and apologize to those priests. She sent me there. I was there. Nothing happened.

It was all good. What were the activities there? Like what kind of camp was this? It was a little boys' camp, I don't know. There was swimming and I don't know, horses. There was archery and then you went to, you went to, you went to Mass. I don't know. There was a bunch of different stuff.

I went to that like a religious side to it. Yeah. Yeah, I went to music. Pillow fights with the priests. Is that what you want me to say? No, I wasn't driving towards that. Okay. It's not my sensibility.

I'm not a predator. I went to Camp Aero Bear, which was a music camp. Wow. Yeah, so I would go up there and we'd play band and play orchestra. You went to band camp, basically. I went to band camp. Wow. It's not like American Pie presents.

I went to Blue Lake camp. You went to what? Blue Lake. Anybody ever? No? Wow. Everybody, let's just keep on moving. Are you not from Alabama?

They might have changed the color of the water. Alan starts talking with a British accent. So I do have one question, one space related question. Astronaut ice cream. I feel like is something you're very excited to have as a kid and it never lives up to its potential. Has everyone here had it? Have we all had astronaut ice cream?

Like dip and dots? No, I don't mean the ice cream. That's the ice cream of the future. Okay. Huge, huge difference. Astronaut ice cream is the freeze dried, like it's like a block. It's like an ice cream sandwich vaguely,

but it's not cold. Dip and dots would be a mess in space. Yeah. They'd fly everywhere. Yeah. I've had, I've had astronaut ice cream. Yes. What did you, like it sucks, right?

Yeah. It's kind of bad. Yeah. It is. It's bad. Like why did they make that? Why don't they just have like... So astronauts can eat ice cream in space.

But like how, like why not? I wouldn't, wouldn't you just rather have like a cookie? Like why not just have like a chippaloi? You can't eat a cookie in space. Can you? I guess the crumbs would be an issue. All right. We got a bus outside.

We're going to space camp, everyone. We brought some chips to Lux. We're going to settle this. I had, no, like if you have like a famous Amos, like a little cookie that you could do, that you could one shot. I think that would work. I don't think you can.

I don't think you can have crumbs in space. Well, yeah. You don't, crumbs are not ideal, but... Yeah. They get all into the controls. Right. They jam the instrument. Wow.

It's like a true space camp alone. Yeah. You can't have that. The controls. Nick, did you ever play sports growing up? What's that? Did you ever play like Little League sports? Oh, no.

Okay. No, I was not allowed. So you have to understand ice cream is usually a treat for a job well done. Yeah. And if you have made it to space, you've done a great job. And so you got to get some ice cream up there.

Cookies is like anybody can have cookies. My ice cream is like, oh, you did a good job. Right. And what's funny is I always, I agree with you. It sucks. But every time I taste the astronaut ice cream, I'd be like, it's not bad. And I think I was doing that because I felt bad for astronauts

that had to eat it in space. I don't know if you had it before. Yeah. It's rough as an astronaut. It's rough. It's rough up there. Food, the food situation. The waste management up there is tough.

You were talking about, you know... Do they tell you that in space camp? Is it like a diaper? Is it a vacuum situation? What is it? Yeah. It's a... It's a combo.

Yeah. It's a combo. It's like a thing, you know, a vacuum on your butt and sort of like a, sort of like a blow job machine on your penis. Interesting. Yeah. That's, that was their words. That's what they say.

So they, they were talking... Can't tell if I have the same thing actually. You know what? Now I'm rethinking it. If you can wear diapers in space, maybe I could be an astronaut. I actually wet the bed at space camp because I was so nervous about... Did you really? Being a mission specialist.

Yeah. Is that true? I did. I wet my bed. How did you... But what happened was the liquid started to float up in the air because of the zero gravity. There's not zero G at space camp.

If you've seen Donnie Darko, you know, the tentacle, the liquid tentacle, that's what happened. Y'all know what I'm talking about? The liquid tentacle and Donnie Darko. Y'all know. Thank you. I just remembered the rabbit. I people understand.

I remember the rabbit, the scary rabbit mascot suit in Jake Gyllenhaal. I don't remember much else in that movie. Yeah. I saw him too. At space camp. Alan, you're just lying. You're just lying. You're just lying to us.

How do you know? Touche. Touche. Let's talk about this week's restaurant, Waffle House. Carl, Alan, both sons of the South, this must be a chain that you have a connection with from your childhoods. Absolutely. Also, an important chain after hurricanes.

Yes, yeah, yeah. 1995, Hurricane Opal. Right after that hit, it wasn't, it was just a rainstorm. Right. By the time it got to us, but we went to Waffle House. A stronger hurricane in 2005, it was Hurricane Ivan. That was the big one before Katrina hit. We went to Waffle House.

Katrina took that Waffle House out. It was in Ghoshay, Mississippi. And it's gone. They rebuilt it, but it's always open like right after the storm. Right. That's crazy. That's kind of a point of pride for them. Yeah.

It's just like a woman in there with a cigarette in her mouth, like, what's your wow? And you know, if she ain't got a cigarette and they're catching it into your hash browns, the food ain't going to be good. Nick, you know, there was a Hurricane Mitch. There was a Hurricane Mitch. It became my nickname on the football team. You were a molasses boy on the football team.

Yeah. They called me Hurricane Mitch. Well, yes. I have three football players up here. That's right. Yes, Nick. We're in the south. I was rooting from the stands in the marching band.

That's cool, too. Yeah. It was cool. It was definitely cool. It was very embarrassing when they're like, Hurricane Mitch, get in there. And then like, I would tackle someone's slide off of them, which is a very, I was a very, I was a category zero hurricane. It was bad.

Carl, did you ever have a sports nickname of any sort? No, my last name is Tart. That pretty much took the cake. That works. Nobody really gave me no nicknames outside of that. Okay. Well, and Alan, do you have any Waffle House connection from your childhood? There was a Waffle House, pretty much any house that we, you know, moved to, there would

be a Waffle House around. In the house? Yeah. In the house. Wow. Yeah. My dad would make breakfast and he would say, welcome to the Waffle House. So I was surprised when we went to a place that was called the Waffle House.

Actually, it was like, oh, is my dad here? He wasn't there. But it was always a good place. You could go as a kid because you'd make like some lawn mowing money or something, you know, and then go have a nice meal. You know, it's still have some money left over, you know, for the date or whatever, what have you. You seem like a very old young man.

Also, how long did it take you to mow a lawn? Feels like a weekend job. Well, yeah, I mean, the lawns are big here, so it took a long time. There's a lot of space, a lot of ground to cover. That's like, yeah, that's some endurance, you know, you got to have like a headset, you got to be listening to some jams, you know, that was before podcasts. Yeah. I'm surprised every yard wasn't a jungle before podcasts.

Am I right? I learned to drive on a ride more. Did you really? Yeah. So I learned how to drive. Did anybody share that experience? Yeah. It seems pretty common.

It's a real thing. Wow, this is a sort of thing for sure. I do not know this. This is bizarre to me. It's bizarre that it's legal to drive a machine that's got blades flying around the bottom of it. I was like nine years old. Wow.

I'm writing more at nine. And then the next year, my grandma was like, you can do that well. Let me teach you how to drive an actual car in case I got to go to the hospital. Oh my God. Was she okay? She was, I was raised by my great grandma. Okay. Yeah.

So she was an older woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like, she was like, in case I ever fall, that's all that old women are scared of is if they fall, like not actual health issues. Like what's making you fall? If I fall, you can take me to the hospital, drive my Cadillac. I'm scared of that now. I've had some, I mean, I do have falls.

Our live show in Chicago, you fucking wiped out. We finished, like we finished the show and I was walking off stage and like waving to people and there was like a, the floor had a like a small lip where there were risers and I didn't see the lip and I tripped over it and like face planted and my laptop went flying. It was right after the show and the entire audience was like, oh, it was the biggest reaction we got during the show. You went down hard.

People like would like added me or DM me after the show like, Hey man, I saw that. Like, are you all right? And then I didn't reply, which I probably just left them hanging. They're still worried about you. Yeah. I think I'm in a coma. No, I was, it honestly, like I had like a huge bruise on my leg that lasted like almost two weeks and it was one of those things like, oh, I'm getting old.

And in a few years, that will be a thing where like I will break my hip or tear my ACL or something and I'll just be shut down for like a year. Jesus Christ. It's inevitable too. Yeah. Hi, everyone's thinking about their mortality. Good job, Nick. I fall and I hit my head.

I hit my head on the plane twice and I was like, oh man, this is like, this is. These are going to add up. I think I've said this to you before, but you're an unfun Mr. Bean. You get a turkey stuck on your head, but everyone's like, oh no, is he okay? Yeah, right. Let's get the turkey off his head. It just, just bums everyone out. Nick's going to get CTE from hitting his head on the plane.

Did you play football? Nope. So Waffle House, let me say this, as far as connecting to my childhood, my first ever visit at the lovely location, one of the several locations in Huntsville, the corner of Four Mile Post Road and Carl T. Jones Drive, man, those are some great Southern street names. And it just reconnected with me how much I love like breakfast because that was again as a kid like biscuits and gravy and I'm getting the Southern California version.

So of course I'm sure everyone here would turn up their noses at it, but that was like one of my favorites and like it would be like a treat for me. You guys, you could have booed him if you wanted to. I conceded that it's probably an inferior interpretation. You were right. But that was like a favorite of mine and that was like, oh shit, I can get this. And so like, I love going, I love going today overall without spoiling where I'm going to go with my review.

What did you think of this, uh, this waffle house visit in general in the abstract? In the abstract? Yeah. Hmm. The idea of an actual waffle house is exciting to me. Right. With faucets you turn on and syrup comes out and the soap is melted butter, say. So in the abstract, that's what I think of waffle house.

I had been to waffle house once before when I went to the, with Super Bowl down in Florida with my dad way back in the day. Okay. And so I had experienced it once and I remembered the, how many Super Bowls have you been to? Should I go every year? You asshole. I've been to, I've been to three Super Bowls. You've been to three Super Bowls.

That's right. Tom Brady's been to like nine of them. Who cares? Boo. Who do you guys root? Are you Titans fans? Boo. Are you guys?

Hey, I love the Titans. Wait. Uh, Roll Tide? There we go. There you go. Oh no. There's still some house. Any, any who that?

Who that? Who that? There we go. Who that? Who that? We're Eagle. I couldn't bring myself to say it. I love pandering, so keep them coming.

The thing that I remember about Waffle House, I was like, whoa, they can do all this stuff to hash browns. Right. And so that's incredible. I never knew that. Let's talk about that real quick, because here are the preparations that they offer on the menu. And I don't know if there's some sort of secret menu here, but this is what they say you

can get. Smothered, covered, chunked, diced, peppered, capped, topped, and country. A lot of, a lot of different variations there. And they each are like capped as mushrooms, peppered as hot peppers, country as gravy. You can kind of piece together what they are from the description. But those adjectives are fun. You're saying you can figure it out or you can? You can a little bit.

You think country just means gravy automatically? It does mean gravy, but yes, some of these make sense only in hindsight. Like the only knowing this, knowing smothered means grilled onions, I believe. Smothered means grilled onions. Like then in hindsight, you can be like, oh yeah, that kind of makes sense. Knowing covered means cheese. Knowing chunked means ham, I believe. Or no way, does chunked mean something?

What does chunked mean? Chunked is ham. Wait, what the fuck is diced? Tomatoes. Tomatoes, okay. They all make sense in hindsight. You kind of have to know. You got all of them wrong.

I got a few right. I love the variation. I love that you can customize it to varying degrees. Maybe we should get into this when we get to our review. But do you guys have a go-to with the way you get your hash browns? And is that how you got it today? They actually got mine wrong today. Oh wow.

I got smothered and covered and they chunked it. It was ham in my hash browns. And I had never eaten that, but after I took a couple bites, I was like, alright. That'll do. Alan? Smothered and covered generally, but today I tried a different, or I added diced and peppered. But I think now that I think about it, I'm just recalling, I don't think they smothered it. Oh shit, they're fucking us up and right.

I did not notice that at all when I got it, because there's so much food in front of you. You have seven different plates of food. It's not like I'll notice that one little detail. I got mine smothered and peppered. We all got hash browns. I got mine smothered and peppered. Hold on, I'm trying to find the shot of the hot sauce that I took, because they have a great name for their hot sauce. I should have written it in my notes.

Casa de Waffle. Senora Jackie's Casa de Waffle. That's a delight. That's their bricani sauce, which is medium. Senora Jackie was so nice too. She works there. She's very pleasant. You just get diced, or not diced, you get sliced jalapenos in it, and you get a lot of them.

They're not fucking around. You're really, really getting a lot of spice in there. It's great that they offer that, because I think outside of that there's maybe an absence of, there's not a ton of spicy stuff on the menu. Mitch, what did you think of your hash browns? I loved them. I got smothered, covered, diced, and cubed. Mmm, whoa.

I think I was tucked, sucked. Those are hidden menu items. I loved them. I was a little hesitant about chunked. That's what you got. I got chunked. Hey, there's no cubed. Oh, it's not cubed.

Oh, okay, so I did get cubed wrong. Chunked, I got chunked instead of cubed. And chunked was good. I enjoyed it. It wasn't overwhelming. It does sound gross as an adjective. Cubed or no, chunked. Oh, chunked.

I keep forgetting. It's chunked. Yeah, chunked does sound bad. It sounds gross. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like a euphemism first. It's like very foul. Yeah, I just fucking chunked, man.

It does. It sounds like that. It sounds foul. But it was delicious. Right. Not if you're talking about dicing up ham. Yeah, in the exact context. I just chunked.

I was dicing up that ham, that good ham, and the kitchen. That's fair, Alan, in the exact context that it means on the menu. It does not sound gross. If it's in context, it does sound good. In that context, you're right. That's very fair. I'm glad I made that point, and I stepped in to make that point. I love the hash browns.

They're awesome. They have like a great, like, you know, they have that great crispness to them. Wait, does scattered just, that just is because they are scattered. Scattered, I think they put it on the floor. You have to eat it like a dog, I believe, yes. It's weird. Because I asked for that, and they made me eat it off a plate like a man. No, I like the, I like the, they have a crisp texture to them, and they're like super buttery.

They have a lot of flavor. Yeah, they're really well made browns. Backing up, I got myself a cup of coffee and a water. I just take my coffee black. Strong diner coffee. Good coffee. What did you guys think of that cup of joe? That was a great cup of joe.

I had one. My stomach is hurting. Everyone suggests I drank a cup of coffee. It did nothing. So now I'm scared. It's like, let's put some gas in it. Like when you're like, let's add, like the, the grill isn't working. Let's put some gas in there.

And it's like, it's still not working. And you're still, like that feels like what's going on right now. I shouldn't talk about this too much. I think everyone understands what you're trying to convey. It's pretty clear. It's a bad situation. Yeah. You might have said on a wine cork or something.

I did not sit on a wine cork. You think there's a wine cork plugging me up? I mean, I don't know what else it is at this point. You had a lot of coffee. We, after, we, we went to a wild house that's like directly next door to a CVS. And now I was like, come on, like, we'll, we'll figure this out for you. I was like, no, please don't do this. And we went to the pharmacy and he was like, hey, excuse me.

Like, do you have anything for constipation? And the lady was like constipation. And he was like, yeah, anything for constipation. She's like, we have this. He's like, you have anything that will work quick? And she's like, what the fuck are you talking about? He's like, it's for my friend. And I was just standing there being like, hi.

Next to him. And then she's like, we have suppositories. And I was like, ooh, those were good. And I was like, what are you talking about? I'm not putting a suppository anywhere. Yeah. That's what you saw. We were going to see if you saw it could help out.

We're not making you put a suppository in me. It's actually. Hell yeah, dude. The image of that caught me late. I'm just trying to help. Alan, did you like your coffee? Oh yeah. I like my coffee.

Took a little shit after. You're rubbing it in my face now. And then I just put in a suppository anyway. I'm feeling good. You were so enthused. You were so enthused about suppositories. I mean, it's all, it's real. It's a real human problem.

The pharmacist was nonplussed with us. It's like, what are you suppositories aren't that normal? Are they? Pac-Man goes forward. He doesn't go backwards. What? That makes sense. You're comparing.

What is Pac-Man in this scenario? Are the ghosts the suppositories? Did you guys watch Future Rama? We're in an episode where the professor came trying to get through to taking suppositories. As if he wasn't taking the suppositories. Yeah, stop asking that. You saw, let's put that episode up on the big screen and watch it. It's good.

Carl, you got yourself a sweet tea. Yeah, I don't like coffee in the Waffle House. Sweet tea was good. I don't like coffee. If I'm tired, I drink a Coca-Cola. Wow. Thank you, sir. Some support.

Thank you. Solidarity out there. That's what I've been waiting on. Somebody who gets it. No. The guy who clapped is wearing her shirt that says, Nick Weigher hates fries, by the way. Jesus. Wow.

Not true. I love it. It's not true. I love fries. Jesus. I got hash browns today because that's what you get with breakfast. That's not fries. Nice try.

Nick, to be fair. They're fry adjacent. Last night we went to Drake's and Nick Weigher. Nice. And Nick had a couple of Mitch's fries and winced. Hold on. Hold on. I got to say this about Drake's great bathrooms.

Drake's was fun. That was a fun bar. We had a blast there. Sort of an indoor outdoor entertaining area. A lot of fun. Yeah, the last half hour was us going, should we get another drink while Mitch tries to take a poop? And then all of a sudden some pause stories were slipped under my stall from Alan.

No other food podcast will dedicate 20 minutes to discussing a host's inability to shit. It's what the dope boys bring to the table. They're related. So we got the, and I think this might be a first in the podcast. We all got the same thing, which I think is maybe the thing to get, at least for me as a neophyte. Yeah. I think we all value the all star special.

Wow. Support for the all star special. A standing ovation. Wow. Everyone is on their feet. Everyone's on their feet. This is wild. They're all breaking their chairs apart.

My question about that all star breakfast. How has Waffle House ever made any money? It's kind of crazy. That's insane. It's crazy the amount they offer for that price. Let's run down. Let's run down exactly what you get, and then we'll take them item by item. You get one waffle, two eggs.

Anyway, you like grits, toast or biscuit, and then your breakfast meat choice, bacon, sausage, city ham, or country ham if you want to spend extra dollar. City ham is what cured country ham is dry cured as a general rule. So that's kind of distinction there. I was kind of hoping it was like a city pig. Like a pig who grew up in like an urban area. Yeah. Like a pig who has an apartment and a job.

That's what I was hoping. This is Babe 2. Right. That's the distinction. City ham is Babe 2. Pig in the city. Country ham is Babe 1. So let me start with that waffle.

And Carl, you originally joined us for Roscoe's Chicken and Waffle episode, which is an institution out in LA. They do great waffles there. The waffle at the Waffle House, how do you feel about that bad boy? That is the only waffle that I think compares to Roscoe's. Wow. But also, I like Waffle House's Waffle more. Wow.

See, the thing is, when I moved from Mississippi to LA, I needed something that could substitute Waffle House and Roscoe's came the closest. Right. It does not compare. Waffle House is, I would say Waffle House is my favorite restaurant in the country. Wow. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. Wow. And, but I have some thoughts. No, I'm just playing. This is not over yet. No. But yeah, the waffle was good. I like a soft waffle.

I like a thin waffle. I don't need a thick, crispy waffle. Yeah. I'm definitely more in this style of waffle making as opposed to that hoity-toity Belgian waffle, which is a little too much for me. You get that one. A deep dish waffle. A deep dish waffle.

That Chicago style waffle. What the hell is all this? What's going on here? What's wrong with a nice, thick Belgian waffle? Those are fine, but I prefer them. Oh, shit. I am on the wrong side. The texture, the soft texture works really well.

It's got a great flavor to it. You get a waffle house whip spread, which is their own branded butter adjacent substance, and some syrup you have to throw on there. I thought it was, it was like perfect. Like what else could I want? This waffle house delivers on having a delightful waffle. I thought it was great. Mitch, Alan, what are your thoughts?

You love them, so go ahead. What? Well, not that I don't love them. The waffles. Oh yeah. Were you paying attention to the show? What? Where am I?

Yeah, no, I love the waffle. I love that it came first. It's the butter, like you said, it's whipped. I think it makes it melt faster. Easy to spread. It melts very fast in the grits too, but just back to the waffle. You know, you get that sweet, sweet syrup. You know, I'm a bit of a sweet seeker.

Thank you. So it was nice to get that waffle out of the way first and then enjoy the rest of the meal, which I ate 110% of. Is this common how they do things at Waffle House? They give you the items as they are ready or do they normally just give you a full breakfast? This was the first time that happened. Okay. And I wasn't overly pleased.

One of my thoughts, I was, when they gave us the waffles, I purposely, well, first of all, I wanted y'all to have y'all's first. Which was very nice. But then I was like, I'm trying to make this closer to when my actual food comes, because I want to mix everything together like a damn hog. That was a good strategy too, like, yeah, to wait so that you could combine everything. Because I think that's what every component that you get on your plate, they don't really season stuff, so you can tailor it to your seasoning preferences.

And then also everything, the flavor is just right so that you can combine a little bite of sausage or what have you with a bite of a waffle and maybe an egg on the same bite. And it all works together very well. Yes, King. Does that make sense? Yes, King. Carl, you had a grit hack, which we'll get to in a second when we get to the grits. I want to say, I was raised on Belgian waffles.

Yes, okay. My dad made me Belgian waffles. He's passed away now. You feel good? And I see this thin little waffle house waffle coming out. I'm like, there's no way. There's no way this is going to begin. And then they serve it first, which I actually like, because I always like have a sweet dessert thing, I mean, sorry,

sweet breakfast thing as almost like a dessert. Right. And they bring it out and I taste it. And I was, it's good as hell. It's soft. It's really good. I wish my dad was here now so I could tell him you were wrong. Yeah. You were wrong, dad.

Fuck him. No. What? He was, he was, he was, he was, he made thick Belgian waffles. They were very good too, but for, for, for how thin they are there, they still remain fluffy. It's, it's, it's, and then you just get the different bites. I told Alan this while I was eating, I was like, as a boy,

I always thought the syrup was such an important component of the waffle. And I was like, okay. And I was like, but that whipped butter is so it's almost more important than the syrup. Yeah, it's so good. I don't know about all that. Oh, wow. Yeah.

I'm not a big fan of Europe. So Belgian waffles just, they can go to hell. I don't. And the country too. Hmm? And the country too. Yeah. The country can go to hell with gasoline draws on.

So the, the eggs, I got my eggs scrambled. They were, they were good. They were well, they were well made like diner eggs. It's, it's, you know, definitely a step up from what I'd get it like a, a Denny's, which I guess is in the comparable price range. What did you guys all think of your eggs? We can go down the line. Carl.

The eggs was fluffy. I added American cheese on them. That's what I do. They were good. They cook, cook to perfection. You know, not burnt, not runny. Yeah. Definitely not burnt or runny.

The, the consistency was good, Mitch. Well, I have a lot to say about the eggs. Wow. Well, there's a reason why. Do you want me to get into it right now? Please. I copied Carl. I said, I'll get some cheese in those eggs.

Yes. And then I also got grits. And I'm a, I'm a, I'm a Massachusetts boy. I'm sorry. I don't know what the fuck grits are. It's confusing to me this weird white paste on the table. Why would you, the host of a food podcast know what grits are? I'm scared by it.

And these guys said to me, they, both of you said you put butter in there. You put salt and pepper on there. I said, all right. I taste. I was like, no, not bad. It tastes, it still kind of tastes like nothing. And then they were like, well, you got to put some of those eggs in there and eat the grits with the eggs.

That was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm going to put my eggs in there. Yeah. And you said that in the restaurant. Everyone's head stern. Yeah. I said, what's that guy upset about? You don't use that language in here, sir.

I ate cheesy eggs with my grits and I am a convert. Yeah. It's so, it was so good. I swear to God. I loved it. I loved it. It was so, it feels like it doubled your amount of eggs. Like it was like a hack where it's like filler or something where I was like,

I have a mound of eggs now that I didn't have before. That was the aforementioned hack I was mentioning. And yeah, the eggs and the grits really plus up the grits. The grits were nice. Alan, your eggs and grits thoughts. I enjoy just the regular eggs because again, it's, I always put the eggs. I rarely just have an egg alone. It's usually I do a little, I stab a, put a little egg on my fork.

And I stab a little piece of my, maybe some grits. You are molasses boys. So they're, they're a component of a larger, it's like a Voltron or something. Right. Every bite. You know, so yeah, no, they were great. And then the, you get your choice of toaster biscuit. I went with that biscuit and gravy, a childhood favorite.

This is you songs observation that I am stealing. A lot of times when you get a biscuit and gravy, a subpar biscuit will be covered up by gravy. Like the dry biscuit will be the moisture of the gravy will compensate for the dryness of the biscuit. Here, the biscuit I thought was, was fluffy and moist. There was moistness throughout and I thought that worked really well. Very satisfying biscuit and gravy. I loved it. I mean, the amount of starch in this meal is insane.

The fact that you're having, you get a waffle and grits and toaster biscuit is out of control. It's, and then you get, we added hash browns. It was, we had four different starch sources. It's crazy. Is this a normal breakfast? Oh yeah. The hell? This breakfast is like, if you spend the night as somebody's house.

Right. And you wake up and he's like, well, I guess I'll just whip something together. I'll see what I have in the fridge and it's usually this many courses. That's insane. Yeah. Is the life expectancy like 41 down here? We all fell asleep the moment we got home. That's not a lie.

Every single one of us except for Nip who can't nap. Yeah. All of us fell asleep. Usong, you fell asleep too. Everyone was passed out from this breakfast. They were so afraid. They thought they lost Usong after we all woke up. We were genuinely afraid that Usong got kidnapped or something.

We were like, is Usong missing? And then we took no action. We just sat on the couch and watched storage wars for like 40 minutes. I looked for a missing persons report online, but I realized we would be the ones that have to file that. That's true. Would have to come from us. Your guys thoughts on the Carl, we'll start with you on your toast or biscuit option.

How was that bread? I got toast. I didn't eat it. I waited until the end. Yeah. I just didn't get to it. I got you. I'm a thick boy, but I feel up quick.

Got you. I've noticed that this trip. Well, Nick and I have no control. We eat everything in front of us. Yeah. It's honestly what makes me so mad at God, because I don't eat that much. I'm actually a slow eater and I usually don't finish my food,

and yet I cannot stop ballooning. And I understand that we're in Alabama right now, but in Hollywood, that's not a good thing. It affects my career, even as a writer. That's like one less chair in the room. They make me get an extra seat belt in the writer's room. Mitch, you also got the biscuit and gravy. What did you think of that?

I loved it. It was great. I'm usually a toast guy, but I mean, it was just insane. This meal was insane. It was so much food. It really was wild. I was already felt so... I was sweating because I felt sick,

and I was just filled with food, and then I added more food on top of it. I'm probably gonna pass away tonight. Good riddance. Goodbye, everyone. Mitch, you can't die. There's no better place to die than Huntsville. Fuck it.

Lay me up against the tree. I'll be happy as hell. That's the city slogan, I think. I tried to hold out for a while. The biscuit and gravy was great. Yeah. And also, I saved... I had some sausage, so I saved some of that sausage

and was eating the sausage with the biscuit and gravy. And you gave me the waffle piece to eat with my sausage, which was very nice. Oh, yeah. I wanted you to have the experience of having a waffle and the sausage together, almost as if a Voltron, if you were taking a... Right.

It's as if you were taking a bite of a Voltron. And then my meat choice, I went with the city ham, which I thought was solid. I thought it was good. It's grilled up a little bit. Nice and greasy, it's fun. What did you guys think of your breakfast meats? I got the sausage.

I ate it with my waffle. It was delicious. I liked the sausage a lot, and it was recommended by our waitress. You get like a little... It's like a little patty. It's like a small disc as opposed to the link. Yeah, but it packs a punch, Nick.

It's not just a little... They're hearty for little guys. They're good. Right. It's a nice, salty bite. It's a little chunky chew. Go on. It's a juicy munch.

Did I say salty bite? Yeah, you said salty bite. That was the first one, I believe. Juicy munch was the other one. Yeah. It's brown. It's brown and round. Well, I think we've chronicled our meal

in great detail. Let's get to our final ranking of Waffle House based on this experience and for those of us to whom it applies are previous experiences. So, Alan McLeod, we'll start over on the end with you.

You know how this works. You'll sort of talk us through your Waffle House experience and then give us a rating from zero to five forks. Go ahead. Okay. So, I had the All-Star breakfast

as we all discussed, and I, like I said, I didn't mind. It was unusual that the waffle came first, but nothing else for a little while, but I was fine with that because I got my sausages fairly close to that time. Let's see.

It was delicious. It was great. I got to mix all my stuff. It was fun to talk about different flavor combinations and make all my little Voltron bites. Like I said, I ate everything up. I think that you also have to,

I have a nostalgic attachment to Waffle House. It's just ubiquitous in the south. I have, you know, it's a very good value for what you get. I'm a Lasses Boy, and we have never had to enforce this,

but I should give you, I feel like I should give you a heads-up. On your review, you have a four-hour time limit. Can I get a little extra time? Sure. We'll give you four hours of five minutes. Okay, great.

Did I say I got the all-star breakfast? So the Voltron, yes. And so, you know, everything, everything was good. You know, it's, it's, it's surprisingly, it always surprises me how filling it is when, you know, you see,

because it's like, it's not like it covers the plate like a mountain of food. It's just kind of spread out. So then you're shocked when you like feel full, but... So anyway, I would say let me see if I left anything out here.

Yeah, oh yeah. You know, you have the freedom to season it to your taste, you know. And freedom is so important these days. And so I would give, I would, I would give Waffle House three forks.

Plus... Whoa! Plus... All right, I'm not done with my fucking shit over here, man. Turn on me. Plus four dollops of molasses.

Oh, Jesus. We don't know the exchange rate for dollops of molasses. What's the conversion? To forks. It is four, one dollop is equal to one prong of a fork.

We still don't know how to do the math. No, I think I got it. Typically, each fork is four prongs. Four four prongs, yeah. So I guess that's four forks. Four forks. Four forks, wow, great score. Carl Tartt.

Y'all turned on me for a second. I want to forget. Carl Tartt, I think we know what direction your review is headed, but please give us your... Can I just, can I ask a quick question? Is that normal speed to you people down here?

Do we, do Nick and I, did Nick Carl and I sound like the micromachine guy? Are we talking fast? Yes, we are. Wow. You didn't notice everybody's got earpieces and translates everything

y'all have been saying. That guy in the booth from the Hertz rena car is translating for everybody on the fly. Carl, your review, your score? So I hold Waffle House very near and dear to my heart.

It comes, it hits close to home every time I have it. From Mississippi, I've eaten it after storms, I've eaten it on regular nights, on Friday nights after football games when we're too young to do stuff, you go to the Waffle House,

everybody's there, it feels a great amount of nostalgia comes with the Waffle House. Today's meal was no exception. The Waffle came early, I won't hold that against them. The focus that was in there was very nice. By the way,

as soon as we pulled up, Nick went out to take pictures of the building and stuff like that and the women who were working were like, what the hell is going on? They're like standing outside the window. One woman had a phone,

I was like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna call the police on Nick for taking the pictures. They were like, you guys are not from here, that's what they said immediately. I enjoyed my meal immensely. I was at a Waffle House in Atlanta

and I watched the dude quit his job in a very big fashion. The manager was being a dick to him. He was taking orders and you know how they yell to the cook. So the guy's cooking the food and the manager's like, I need smothered and covered.

And he's like, I said, I need smothered and covered. This is the guy who's working. I don't even think he was a manager. I think he was just like at the register so he felt a sense of power. And he was at the register. I said, I need smothered and covered.

He said, I heard you. He said, you ain't gonna be talking to me like that in front of the customers. He said, fuck you, man. I ain't got to talk to you like shit. Fuck this shit. You ain't nothing. And he just went off on a doomsday.

He took his apron off and put it on the griddle. And I was like, that food about to be good as hell. I was like, I'm finna get two meals today. I already know that griddle holds a different kind of spice

like a cast iron skillet that apron that he had on. I was like, oh my gosh. This food about to be good today. So I love Waffle House. This gets no less than five forks for me. Yeah.

Mike Mitchell, the Spoon Man, your review, your fork score. Rarely am I awake for breakfast. The breakfast hour and I don't work well together. Waffle House is, it's great, Nick. There's not much more I can say about it than what I've already said.

It's just a classic breakfast diner that's done so well. Here's my one complaint. The booths are fucking small. They are tight boots. Aren't you guys big down here? What the hell's going on? The booths are tiny.

We moved from the booth to the counter to accommodate our party, yeah. Yes. I thought you were about to say me. I was gonna be pissed off. No, I wasn't. I am not. We had to wheelmitch over to the counter.

I'm mobile. I'm 6'1, 200 pounds. I'm not a small man. I was a little tight in those booths too. It's tight. 6'1, 200. Snack alert. I'm 6'2, about 185.

Everyone knew that was a lie. That sucks. Everyone's belly laughing at me being 185. Bummer. The booths are too fucking small. We can make bigger booths. Come on, Waffle House. We've all progressed like Pokemon.

We're at the next level now. We need bigger booths. We need bigger booths over there. Am I gonna deduct points for it? No, five forks. Wow. That's real too. I'm not trying.

I know that I try to just make everyone like me. Thank you for reminding me. I'm an idiot. I'm not pandering. It's a five-fork restaurant. It's good as hell. We did a chain in Vancouver, Jaffa Dog, and you told the back...

Yes, I lied. You lied because you were scared of the crowd and you said it was a four-fork restaurant. Then backstage, you were like, it's really two forks. Jaffa Dog was bad. I was afraid. They were a mean crowd.

These people are nice. I feel like... I feel like you believe it. I will also give my disclaimer that this is not pandering. This was like a... As a breakfast fiend, this was like a...

Where has Waffle House been all my life? I can't imagine how many... I can't think about all of the breakfast I spent. I wasted at Denny's and Caro's. What was I doing? What was I doing?

This was great. This would have been my favorite restaurant as a kid. I hope some open out on the west coast sometime. Although maybe part of its charm is that it is so entrenched chiefly in the South and the Heartland. All-Star Special. Call it the Dream Team!

Because every component works. Yeah. I'm just gonna say... I hope there are some spare drops of molasses around because our special guest molasses boy is the only one keeping this out of the Platinum Play Club as it stands.

Five forks! For Waffle House! Wow! They didn't smother. They did not smother. Wow, he's... He's sticking to his guns. This is a heel turn.

They didn't smother. He is the villain. We were right. Send him. Let's get him. Let's send him. Let's take a rock and send him to space. Yes. Please do.

I would love it. Well, it's in... No one criticizes my speed in space. It's in the Golden Play Club, which is quite an honor. Maybe someday I'll get in that Platinum Play Club. Congratulations to Waffle House. Folks, that was our review of Waffle House.

It's time for our segment. We've got a food stuff. We're gonna decide if you should put it in your mouth. It's snack or whack. Take it away, Alan McLeod. Oh, and I I'm glad I eat Cheetos The way I eat onions

The way I eat combo Our lives Are better mixed with cheques I couldn't eat them plain But I would never miss A snack The pipe's on molasses, boy. That's very nice.

So we've got a couple items. We're gonna taste test real quick because we're running tight in time and we're gonna take some questions from you guys. We've got this Golden Flake. These are some chips that Alan said were local. Looks like they're from Birmingham. And these are the sweet heat barbecue ones.

I recommended these to the boys because this is snacks that I grew up with. I'm personally a big fan of the Dill Pickle Golden Flake. We thought about getting Dill Pickle but we saw a connection here with Alan as he admitted something of a sweet seeker. I, of course, have said I have something of a heat seeker. Some real brand synergy here.

These are great. They have a little bit of an oven after burn and a nice, like, sweet barbecue flavor. What do you guys think? I go snack. Again, not pandering. I forgot to say I got an orange juice at Waffle House. How was the orange juice?

It was good. So still five forks? Yes. Okay. And a water and a coffee. These are snacks. These are good. Really good.

These are really good. I like a little, like, a barbecue and like a spicy barbecue is great. Hot barbecue works well. Hot barbecue, yeah. Okay, get that on wing. Carl, what do you think? You've had the Flamin' Hot Lays, right?

Yes. Yes, I have. Imagine if they added a drop of barbecue. I think these, like, what that would be. Yeah. The only sensation you're getting from those Flamin' Hot Lays is, like, heat. Is heat, yeah.

But that little touch of barbecue makes them really tasty. It's delightful. It's a snack for me. Alan, molasses sometimes used in barbecue sauces? What do you think of this, the sweet heat? I think it's a nice balance of heat and sweet. I especially like that it's a soft crunch, and not like a really hard crunch.

Do with that what you will. So, definitely a snack. Wow. Wow, snacks down the line, it sounds like. And then we've got the, Carl, you said snack, right? Yeah, yeah, snack. Okay, great. And then we've also got, correct me on the pronunciation,

is it Grapeco or Grapeco? Grapeco. Grapeco. So we've got some Grapeco. This is a sparkling grape soda, a southern thing, for 100 years, it says, which is nice. I'm going to have a little sip of this. That's like a melted otter pop.

It's really, really grapey and sweet. I mean, I like the carbonation, I think that really works. What do you guys think of this, this Bev? I think this would be great on a nice hot summer day. Yeah. It seems very refreshing. Yeah, I mean, this is a drink as well. Yeah, it's a drink.

Yeah, it's a drink, this is delicious. Right. But it also adds to the fact that you guys eat like shit down here. Yeah. Carl, what do you think of this soda? I've never had Grapeco before. They don't have it in Mississippi as much. No, we don't have this one.

We drink Nihai and Fago. Okay. Fago, like a juggalo? Like a juggalo, yeah. Wow. They took that from us. No, I think we took it from Detroit. It's like a Midwestern.

But I like it. It's kind of hard for me to dislike a grape soda. Right. But not what you're thinking. I just like soda. Thank you. Good night. Alan, is this a favorite of yours?

Did you have this one when you were a kid? I definitely had it when I was a kid. It's conjuring all sorts of memories right now. No, it's good. It's a good flavor. I think it's improved even since I was a kid. It makes me almost feel like I'm in the vineyards of Napa. Yeah, no, it's good.

I've drank half of the Grapeco. It's definitely a skank. Yeah, for sure. No, a drink. I mean, a drink. 35 grams of sugar. Jesus Christ. Can't imagine consuming this regularly.

I'm pretty sure that their toothpaste has 35 grams of sugar down here. That was Snacker Wax Slash, a drink or a snake. This guy who was laughing before is now mad at me. You can kick my ass after the show, if you'd like. It's part of the VIP experience. By the way, the VIP meet and greet will be up here on stage after the show. It will be about five minutes to let everyone get settled, and then you guys can line up over there.

But just like a restaurant, we'll buy your feedback. Also, wait, my mom's friend, Kathy. Is that you there? Hi, Kathy. Come down here and say hello afterwards. That's my mom's friend. She's great. Wow.

She rules. Oh, man. I feel bad that she's here. Yeah. I don't know what you're going to tell my mom, but... I hope you'll report back. Your son is wasting his life in Los Angeles. She just, like, tells your mom, like,

the molasses band was lifted. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Just like a restaurant, buy your feedback. Let's open up the feedback. Okay, so we have time for three audience questions real quick. You song over there. Our producer is going to roam around with a microphone. So if you have a question, go ahead and ask it.

If you ask a question, we'll give you a grapico. Hi, I'm Drake. Hi. My question is, what is your fast food dessert triforce? Wow. Fast food dessert triforce. Boy, that's a great question. Oh, so I want to say that, and you said,

if you ask a question, you get a grapico, and someone in the audience goes, oh, shit. Everyone's hands are shooting up. He, like, comes up with a clearly, like, fake question. Do you think pretzels are real? What? Fast food dessert triforce. That's tough, because I think you have to put a Wendy's Frosty in there.

Yes. Beyond that, I mean, this is almost... Is it going to be all ice cream based? I mean, there's going to be ones that aren't ice cream based. This is almost a cliche, but I was going to say, like, the McDonald's apple pie, I feel like, it just fits a craving. Some people might say McFlurry.

Some people might say that Chocolate Sunday. I think it's whatever you had as a kid and scratches that nostalgia itch. But that third slot is tough. Do you guys have anything, anything come to mind? Any fast food desserts that you fancy? Wendy's, not Wendy's, Burger King Dutch Apple Pie, as always. That's a good one.

I haven't had that in a long time, but that was very, very good. And as I said before, I'm not a fan of the Europeans, but they... The country, the continent. But the people... But when I found out that Dutch Apple Pie was actually an American institution, I screamed. It's good.

Estonia's all right. Alan, any thoughts on fast food desserts? Whoa, geez. I mean, an accurate heckle. I mean... I just like, you know, like a McDonald's Chocolate Shake or something, or like a Frappuccino or something like that. Try a Bowberry while you're down here.

Uh... Popeyes has a Mardi Gras cheesecake that is delicious. Oh, wow, great pick. You know what I'm talking about. Wow. Great pick. What did you say? Try a Bowberry biscuit while you're down here. Well...

Can you translate that, please? This is the most aggressive... Try one of our local desserts. It's quite delicious. Bowberry biscuit. Oh, Bowberry biscuit. Cool, all right. Thank you.

Bowberry is a berry that only grows in Huntsville. All right, Yousong, if you found our next questioner... We didn't answer his question, but we did. We got close. We got close. We could throw a bunch of options. All right, two notes, one question. Shit, let me just go to the question.

Carl is walking a... Great picot. Hey, Carl, I need you. One note, you guys between 2014, 2017 came to Tig's wedding, and you didn't go to a place called Ward's. Ward's is just the shit. Oh, shit. Carl's...

Ward's breakfast is the shit. Thank you, Carl. Yeah. That was in Mississippi, so that's the Mississippi thing we're missing. Okay. How did you know we went to Tig's wedding? I was an early adopter after you guys were on Dan Harmon's podcast. Oh, wow.

I started listening. Do you know someone texted me on Mitch.Pizza? You're in the bathroom right now, aren't you? And I was. Who was it? It was that guy. I was in the bathroom. You freak.

How did you know? What is... What's your deal? I want him removed. So I'm going to say you're doing a disservice to your fans in the South that when you travel down here for leisure, you don't go to our local chains. We're dying. How would you...

We ate so much food. We do have to minimize our chain restaurant consumption outside of the podcast, because we're doing it. We do it twice a week, and it's a lot. That's a good answer. That's it. And we also have our indulgences, but please get to your question. That was my question.

How do you... Right. Nick answered my question. All right, great. One more question. I guess it's me. Yes. Hi.

How you doing? In episode 116 of League of Legends, Carl Tark talked about the beautiful Roscoe chicken waffles, breakfast and dinner. Yes, I did. What is your favorite breakfast and dinner combination now? Favorite breakfast and dinner right now? Combination. Combination.

Oh, it has to be chicken and waffles. I like breakfast more than I like anything. Wow. So I eat a bowl of fruity pebbles for dinner, which is what I think they use in the Mardi Gras cheesecake at Popeyes. But yeah, I would say when I found that fried chicken and waffles was a combination, because that's the LA thing. And I loved it.

I enjoyed it the most. Thanks so much. Hold on a second. The last question was for one guy on the panel. He knocked it out of the park. You know, Roscoe's nephew, Freddie, has a chicken and waffles stand on the big island of Hawaii. Is that true? Is this another little fact, guys?

Is this another lie? Is this another lie? This is true. There's never, there's not been one lie. That's true. That's true. There wasn't one lie. Yeah.

Not one lie tonight. The molasses flood is a real thing that happened. The molasses flood of 1919 in Boston, you freaking freak. That's real. Yeah. Bostonites were overcome by molasses. Your ancestors were almost wiped out from a molasses flood. Your mom's friend is shaking her head in disbelief.

I'm sorry. Guys, thanks so much for coming out. That's it for this episode. Give it up for Carl Thorpe. Molasses Boy Ellen MacLeod. Our producer, Yu Sang Lu. Until next time for the Spoonman, Mike Mitchell, I'm Nick Weigar. Happy eating.

Good night. See ya.