Doughboys - Wood Ranch with Esther Povitsky

Episode Date: November 10, 2016

Actress and comedian Esther Povitsky (Brooklyn 99, Workaholics), along with her 3-month-old puppy Donut, joins to discuss her love of chains, her outsize appetite, and SoCal upscale barbecue chain Wood Ranch. And, Organic Gatorade is in the crosshairs in a new Drank or Stank.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Farrell Audio Went into Alexandria to a barbecue and stayed all night. That's dated May 27th, 1769, and it comes from the Journal of George Washington, commonly referred to in the U.S. as the father of our country. American barbecue dates to the early colonial days of the mid-17th century and came about after Spanish explorers transported pigs to the New World. While barbecue culture grew and continues to thrive primarily in the American South, it most certainly has spread nationwide.

By some estimates, 75% of Americans consume barbecue on our Independence Day. It was this national identity that two California restaurant industry workers, UCLA Business School graduate Eric Anders and Israeli expat Ofer Shemtov, aimed to capitalize on when they launched their own restaurant concept in 1992. Like industrious hermit crabs, Anders and Shemtov found a failed barbecue restaurant in the Southern California community of Moorpark and converted it into their pilot location. As it became a hit, they repeated the process, absorbing a second failed restaurant shell in nearby Agora Hills and converting it into a thriving outlet.

25 years later, the two founders now own the region's go-to chain for smoked sweet meats with 16 locations across the Southland. It's been commended for having one of the top 10 kids' menus in America by Restaurant Hospitality magazine and lauded as Barbecue King by LA Weekly. Locals may love it, but what about everyone else? This week on Doughboys, Wood Ranch. Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants. We're a part of ferruleaudio.com.

I'm Nick Weigar, alongside my co-host, white Gamorian, Mike Mitchell, the Spoon Man. White Gamorian? Yeah. What's Gamorian again? Like the Gamorian cards? Oh, cards. Oh, what the fuck? Like the Green Pig Men from Return to the General.

Gamorian cards? Oh, that was just confusing. Yeah. Like, you're a white version of that. No, no, no. I get it now. Right. No.

Fuck that person. That was courtesy of Linus Piso. If you've got an insult you'd like me to use on Mitch to the top of the show, roastspoonmanatgmail.com. I'll read it and he'll get mad. Yeah, I guess that's accurate. That's the chain of events. I just want to say, to Spoon Nation, and you know what? This week, I'm not going to play a drop.

What? That's right. None of your beloved drop? And this comes directly from you, so I wonder why you're shocked. You say, if you're going to do one other thing, you got to do one or the other. You can't do all of them. You can't do everything you want to do on the podcast. I'm just saying, people love the drops so much, our most common feedback is, hey, more

drops. Jesus. Double up the drops. This week, we're three minutes into the podcast and all that's happened so far is your fucking boring monotone history rundown of the restaurant. I think it's an interesting back story that sets the tone for my first discussion. Well, I think my drops are interesting. Anyways, I'm going to do a new segment every so often.

We won't do it all the time. Hometown Heroes, Heroes as in Submarine Sandwiches. This is going to be a little segment where my friends from back in Quincy call in with a short little review. Two minutes. You know, I've recently found out that my friend Justin Kiley, one of my best friends grown up, one of my best friends, he was one of my best buddies grown up. He listened to the podcast.

He was mad. I didn't mention him. Justin is my first friend. We were in nursery school together and I remember being buddies with Justin. I remember actually a specific moment where we were in Justin's living room and we were in elementary school, in nursery school and we decided to show each other our little penises, our little dicks. I remember me and Justin were looking at each other's dicks and his mom ran in and was

like, what are you boys doing? Stop it. She was like, that's like one of my first memories ever. This was like nursery school as preschool? Yeah, like five or five years old or something like that. Like kindergarten age? Even before. It's pre-kindergarten.

It's pre-kindergarten. Pre-k, okay. Yeah, we call it preschool. Yeah, we call it preschool. Nursery school, I'm not. I think I've heard it before. Oh, nursery school, yeah. Yeah, nursery school or preschool, yeah.

Pre-school as well. You said nursery school. Oh, I did, okay. Yeah. Yeah, nursery school or preschool. It doesn't matter. Same difference. I just wanted to make sure that it was a synonym for preschool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah, I guess. That's fine. We're talking about this too much. Yes, yes, definitely. Get over it for fuck's sake. Let's focus on the fact that you and another little boy were examining each other's dicks.

We were looking at each other's genitals. And it's truly one of the first memories I ever have is his mother running into the room and yelling at us to stop showing each other our penises, but hey, we enjoyed ourselves. Anyways, Justin, I love you and you were mad at me because he said, you mentioned everyone else, but not me, but my first review isn't from Justin. He's going to love that you told that anecdote. It's one of his favorite moments of his life too. My first review comes from Adam Wu.

Wu Tang. Wu Tang. And you're going to hear it right now. Right? No. That's your buddy Adam. I just went to Wendy's on Newport and I ordered a JBC with the frosty. I didn't even get a drink.

Michelle, what did you order? She doesn't know. She's hammered. We ordered food for Michelle. She's hammered. We drove up to the window and paid. It was like, it was like 20 bucks. And I go, dude, I need to take a piss, and he goes, sorry, dude, we're closed.

And I was like, all right, man, it's either outside or inside, man, I'm going to pee somewhere. I'm not peeing in my car. He goes, all right, go pee outside. I ran out to the dumpster. I can't pee outside. They changed it because they renovated and you can't pee by the dumpster anymore. One fork for not spending me two by the dumpster.

And then I turned around because there's so much fucking writing out there. Because I think that they put the writing by the dumpster, so they would stop the peeing in the dumpster. You know that dumpster, you peed behind there before. So then I come back to my car because I can't pee at the dumpster and the dude was there with my food. He walked outside. I don't even know what time it is, it's literally late.

And he was like, dude, did you go pee? And I was like, you know, I didn't go fucking pee, man. I don't need a spotlight on me while I go pee. And he goes, come inside. He let me go inside. It was fucking sparkly clean and I peed inside the bathroom and I had a great time in the bathroom. And then I came back to my car.

And then I had my food. And it was delicious sidewalks. Fuck you, bitch. There we go, something that Adam Wu, Wu Tang, begged me not to play. Now, Adam Wu is beyond Wu Tang, his other nickname is the genius of Quincy. He's obviously had a little bit to drink. That's some libations. He's a little.

Yeah. What do you think of the new segment, Lager? I think it's great. I'd love to hear more of more hometown heroes. Maybe we'll get, you know what? Maybe we'll get a frail bot review. Oh, I'd love it. We'd love to hear from Chankton.

Micahs, Chankton, Justin, we'll get you on there. Let's hear from Chumlee. Chumlee. And Greenston. Those are silly names. Big Pete. And Johnny Roastbeef. And Foxton.

Foxton. And Bobcock. And Foxton. And Bobcock. Why are they all, now they're all fuck names. Anyways. All the Quincy boys. Have I wasted too much time with the...

I think it was great. It's great to hear a little backstory from it. Our last episode, our guest, Kevin T. Porter, has a connection. He has a friendship with someone I went to high school with. We heard a little bit about my hometown life. This one we're hearing a little about your hometown life. It's interesting to get a little insight into us as people. I love Wu Tang.

He's a great guy. Seems like a great dude. I had to play. He used to be able to do back flips back in high school. That's amazing. And like he would always, he could just do a standing back flip. Right. And then I would always pretend to do a back flip and people would laugh.

You get a good laugh line. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was so out of shape that I would never be able to pull it off. Would you just lie and say you could do a back flip? Or would you do a little prat fall? No, he would do it and then I would like jump up on a chair and like... And like pretend that I was about to do a back flip and then I never would. Right.

And uh... That's fun. Yeah, you know, like two people would laugh. That would be it. You know, my cat Irma got spayed today. Whoa. Mm-hmm. That's a very responsible pet ownership.

Very much. You know, because they're a little, because she's like six months now. Right. I don't know if she went into heat or not, but she's got the cone on her neck. I thought that she had gone into heat, but then it didn't really, like it might have just been acting weird one day. But she's got the cone. And I was very nervous.

I dropped her off and I was very nervous about the operation. I really, really was. I was almost tearing up. I know that this makes me sound pathetic, but I was very, very scared about that. She's back. She's back today. She's got some staples in her stomach because they stapled her up and they took everything out of there.

Something I think they should do with humans. And um... Wait, are you advocating eugenics? We should sterilize the weakest among us? I think we should sterilize everyone. Well, you and I would be first in line. I think willingly. Right.

But she's... Irma's doing well. I got to keep her separated from Wally. And it's really sad because I went to pick up Irma and Wally. I feel like it's just never been alone. Right. And I was leaving and I could hear him crying when I was going to pick up Irma. Oh, that's heartbreaking.

Yeah. But she's doing well. They're reunited, but they can't be in the same room. I let her out a little bit, but she's just going to be careful because of the operations. Now, is Wally going to be neutered at some point? Wally has already been neutered. He's already been neutered. Okay.

Wally's just been in a neutered cat. And they got microchips in them. Everything is... All the hard stuff is over with because I was very afraid, but I brought that up because we have a cute, a very, very cute side guest today. Yeah. I had to make that clear to make it... It sounded like I was being like, we have a very, very cute guest today.

Right. And then you would be like, what the fuck is he doing? Thank you. But there is the most adorable... And you know what? I feel like this would be an enjoyable podcast if we did this... If we had this little guy in here all the time. It's very calming.

Would you like to introduce our guest? Let's introduce our guest, and then she can talk about the adorable creature that's sitting on her lap. An actress and comedian for Brooklyn Nine-Nine, workaholics and lady dynamite, Esther Browwitzky is here. Hi, Esther. Hey, guys. How are you?

Thank you for being here. Thank you. You got a puppy in your lap. It's just like I've been fixated on it. Here's what was happening while Mitch was playing Adam Blue's review earlier. Your dog, this puppy you've got who I think... Donut. Donut.

She's three months old. She was nibbling on your nose. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen. This puppy is so cute. She's too fucking cute. It's like... Relax. No, it just stood up and jolted towards her.

It's like it's such an intense, it's an overwhelming feeling to be around something so cute. You're probably, it's probably worn off a little bit on you because you've had this dog. How long has Donut been living with you? No, that doesn't wear off. I've had it for like, probably almost a month now. You know, she is cute as fuck and every time I look at her I'm like holy shit. But she bites my nose like you saw, which is sometimes really fun and I'm like into

it and it feels intimate but then sometimes her teeth will like latch on to the inside of your nose and it's so painful. Oh shit. So I'm like, oh Donut, we gotta work this, we gotta figure out a happy medium. But I'm also really bad at disciplining animals. Right. She'll grow out of that though, right? That's probably like a puppy tendency.

Yeah, yeah. I have that issue with Wally. Wally will sometimes, I've said this before on the podcast but he'll sometimes climb up me. Right. He'll try and post and he'll just climb up me when I, especially if I bring out like cat treats, but there's been like multiple times where I've been like, in the last week or so where Wally's jumped up on me and I've like yelped out and pain him and like, yeah.

Like, his claws truly like went like deep, like I thought I was bleeding the other, like real light, like he tacked my foot because he looked like when I had the sock on my foot he, it drives him nuts and he like, he went at it and like, I was like, like real life blood. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's intense. Like not like a cat scratch. Right.

It was like deep. How long have you had him? He's, he's six months. Oh, okay. Maybe seven months. I mean, he's between six and seven months. Are you a new cat father or? I mean, I had two cats growing up, Zip and Buster, both great cats, but they're starting

to have like a little personalities now. Zip was very wise. Zip, my cat, Zip when I was growing up was wise, like I think Zip was smarter than I, which I know why girl. Well, very, you know, you'll make fun of me for that, but it's Zip was, Zip was a very wise cat and like, was a great cat and would follow me around kind of like a dog. Wally is kind of dopey. He's kind of like a goofy guy, but he's, he's very sweet and he loves me and like, if I

go into a different room, he'll follow me into a different room. And then Irma is just kind of like tiny and sweet, but she'll keep to herself a little bit more, but she, but she's like very talkative and sweet and nice and they're both, they're, they're, they're two good cats and they, this little pup reminds me of them. That's a cute puppy. Donut. Donut is very cute. Yeah.

She's my second. My first, I couldn't handle the responsibility of having him. So he lives with my parents now and I, I tried to get him back when my dad would not give him up. So I had to go finally decide to get a new doggy. What dog was that? That was Pepper. Okay.

Pepper is like a little black terrier and he's, he, I feel like we have like a really strong connection. Whenever I go home, we just like, it's really intense. It's really hot and heavy, but I don't have that with Donut yet. So it's a little sad, but hopefully we'll get there. Oh, it will get, that's such a young, young puppy. How big, I'm guessing that these dogs don't get too big, right? I think she'll get, she's three pounds now.

So her Instagram is Donut in the city. And I think that she'll probably get to be like six or seven pounds. So not too much. Oh, okay. She'll stay pint size. Yeah. Now wait, you got Pepper, you got Donut, you got some food names for these pups. That's true.

I also have Duncan. So there's Duncan Donut. Oh, wait, Duncan is another dog? Duncan lives with my, he's my parents dog, but you know, I also consider him mine kind of. Yeah. Right. But so Duncan and Pepper are brothers.

They live together. And this is Donut. And before that was Dusty, may he rest in peace. Oh, rest in peace, Dusty. Rip Dusty. Yeah. And Rip to Zip as well. And Buster.

Oh, yeah. They're all, they're all up there in pet heaven. Yeah, they are. They're watching us grow and evolve. They're really happy for us. While we're shouting out our dead pets, Rip Daryl the dog, he was my childhood dog. He died. You were talking about your first childhood memory, one of your early child memories,

meeting your friend's little dick while he looked at yours. This was probably bigger than mine. His at that time is probably bigger than yours is now. But one of my earliest childhood memories is Daryl died and he was being, I remember the vet taking him away on a, like, like the animal, whatever animal control came to our house and took him away and had a sheet over him. And they had to like, they had to pull you off of him because you strangled him to death? No.

And strangled him to death as a four-year-old boy. It wasn't some bad seed. No, I was sad, but I also couldn't really process grief and my mom was like, wave goodbye to Daryl. And I said, bye-bye, Daryl. And that's one of the first things I remember is waving goodbye as my, as our family dog's corpse was carted away. No, that's so sad.

Yeah. And then also Damien, the snake, the snake that was our fifth grade class pet, who I won in the auction at the end of the year with Keppke Bucks. And then I was such a poor, our teachers, I should have given that some more context. Our teacher, Mr. Keppke. Yeah, it makes no sense. Our teacher, Mr. Keppke had Keppke Bucks. Like that's like a common thing the teachers do.

I had Esther money. Yeah. They'll like give out like their fake money to students for various reasons. So he had Keppke Bucks. I had to give out a lot of Keppke Bucks. I just don't see how you wouldn't understand to give more explanation to Keppke Bucks. I shouldn't have just, you're right. I should have given it more context.

You were right to zero in on that. I'm taking the note. I'm trying to address it. Congratulations. You still have any Keppke Bucks? They've been sitting in a 401K. That's my only retirement savings. And then I bought Damien an auction and then I did a shitty job and he died over the summer.

So Damien also passed away. Oh, wow. Seems like you're the pet grim reaper. Don't stay on that side of the room. Weigar, I also, you told me, because we talked about your prom in the last episode, you told me another interesting dog story. Oh, God, you want me to tell this story? I told you this on the podcast saying that I didn't want to tell it on the podcast.

I think that you should tell this story. I'll tell you, I'll say this. It's funny. We might edit this out. Okay. No, it's so funny. Just tell the story. Well, I think you can tee it up with it.

It's so funny. We'll see. It's very funny. So this was, like on our previous episode, Esther, we had, our guest had a connection to one of my high school classmates and brought in a picture of my prom date to surprise me with. Holy shit. And then I told Mitch afterwards.

You don't have to say the person's name. I won't say the person's name, but I, well, I said the, I said my prom date's name in the last episode. It's great. Yeah. Whatever. I won't say it again now, so I won't connect directly. Anyway, so I was telling Mitch this story and here it is.

So I lost touch with my prom date. We went to the same university, but we just didn't see each other very much after high school. And so I kind of lost touch with her. And so my second year in college, I was in my dorm room. I was using my desktop computer and I had my door, a jar is this common dorm setup. You just kind of get your door, a jar. Everything's very casual.

And I was just looking at like fucked up websites, not for any sort of porn reason, but just to like look at fucked up, you know, that you go to that phase where you want to look like gore and stuff. I think I was like looking at 4chan or something, whatever the, whatever the progenitor of 4chan was. And the image I had stumbled upon was a dog having sex with a human lady. And I had this image on my desktop computer, on my CRT monitor. And like I like had it up and like I was like, like, like lunged back in shock, but kind

of like laughter. Like, oh my God, I can't believe what I'm looking at. And just at that moment, my prom date, who I hadn't seen in a year, pushed open the ajar door and just sort of walked in with a smile like, hi, Nick. And then turned, swiveled her head and saw what was on my monitor, saw my reaction and made a horrified face and then just backed out of the room and I didn't see, never talked about it to me. I didn't see her again for another year.

Oh my gosh. Yeah. You know, I made a video once of me making out with my dog Pepper, who I mentioned previously. Right. Like, I had forgotten about this video is me and Pepper making out and it's whatever. And I had like a few YouTube videos that nothing ever had like more than a thousand or two thousand views. And then like years later, I looked back at the channel and there's someone was like,

did you know this video has like two million views? Jesus. And it like blew up. I go to my YouTube, there's all these creepy messages like, we please make more of you kissing a dog. And then someone tweeted at me a link to it that was on a porn website. Wow. It really violated.

That's crazy. That's really crazy. Also, I clogged the toilet on my prom. Those are the two thoughts that I had during your story, I was just thinking about myself. What a weird thing that like, what a weird thing to just sort of put something, you put that up as a goof, right? What? The you making out with your dog.

Yeah. Just kind of a goof. Totally. And then for some lighthearted thing to be just targeted by people who have like a very specific fetish is so weird. What a weird thing that weird culture we have. I got a question for you. Did you see, what did you see again first?

Your prom date or that picture of the woman and the dog? Well look, it was still on my desktop, so I guess I probably looked at that again. And then it became your book, your home page. That's not true. I didn't chase after her or anything, but I was just like, it was a very awkward moment. I remember in college, my freshman year, there was this girl, Kristen Murray, and she was bringing over, I guess I shouldn't have said her, whatever, and she was bringing over Dave Matthews.

She was going to bring over Dave Matthews CD. And at the time I was like, Kristen Murray is cute. This is cool. And you like Dave Matthews, right? And I do. That is one of my, I shouldn't be ashamed of it, don't make fun of me. And she brought over Dave Matthews' band live in Chicago. And I had this roommate who people called Lurch, and I think I've said this before on

the podcast. And I hated him. His name was Eric Vietz. I hated him as a roommate. And maybe he's a nice guy. Who knows? We could work out our differences. I want to reach out to him and see if we can patch things up.

But he stunk, like the dorm room stunk. He just had like a bad body odor. He had a bad, it smelled terrible. It was like, it was a terrible smelling room. And I remember Kristen Murray came in to the dorm room and was like, I could just tell on her face that like, she was like, ugh, like that smell was bad. And I wanted to, and I was too embarrassed to be like, it's not me. Like I wanted to say that it wasn't me, but I never said anything at all.

And I just took the CD. But there's no good way to handle it. Because once you say it's not you, then they think you're being offensive. They think it's you. Exactly. Yeah. So I just kind of ignored it. And then that was the end of girl, I don't think I saw another girl through college.

That was it. They all went away after that. That was my one chance. I had a similar, like I didn't kiss anyone or do anything all throughout college. And it really like fucked me up. Yeah. I feel like I was neglected. Yeah.

Yeah. That's like a time when people fuck a lot, right? Yeah. Well, that's, that's, that's, that's what, I was just talking to them because Halloween has just passed. And and someone was like, Halloween, like, oh man, all the girls dress up really pretty on Halloween. And I was like, for me, I just, like, like, hearing that I'm like, oh, I'm just a creepy

spectator. It's like, look at them. They look cute. Like, I feel like a creep. I never was like, I'm out there dancing with these, see, I mean, that's the issue is that I think that people want to go out dancing. But I think people do like to go out dancing. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that a thing? I think people go to clubs and dance. They groove. It seems like such a different group of people than who we're interacting with ever. It's, yeah, it's definitely not, not the kind of person I associate with or that, that's not my circle of friends, but more power to you if you like to cut a rug.

Yeah. No, I'm more, I'm more in your camp. Yeah. Yeah. We're stronger because of it though. Yeah. Not literally. Donut is getting a little, catching a little shut eye and it's too cute.

He is. Donut, Donut wants to hear a fucking story. She is taking a little lap. Yeah. She's bored. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean the BO thing is like, because I used to work in video games and when I worked

in the video game industry, and it like, it sucks to kind of, I kind of don't love telling these anecdotes because I know I'm confirming people's, you know, preconceived notions of what the kind of people who are into video games are, but you know, like we had a thing when I worked in Activision Quality Assurance, it was game testing and we were in a basement with like 200 guys. And they, at orientation, they gave us like a lecture on hygiene. Just sort of like, you know, like make sure you shower, make sure you're using deodorant. And then later on when I was in the video.

It was just you in a single room. Look, here's the thing, for all my failings as a human, I have always been a well-groomed man. Like I take, I bathe, I smell fresh. I will say a funny thing, I did not, I didn't shower today, but I'm a bigger guy and I I'm not a stinky, bigger guy. I don't think so at all. No, no, no, no.

Okay. You've never had a body odor problem around me. Yeah. I don't, I don't, and I always feel like that. And I mean, the flashback to college, I feel like it was that sort of thing of like, big guys get that unfair kind of, that unfair thing of like, oh, like something stinks, it's got to be the big guy. And like, I think that so many big guys, and maybe, or maybe just big people, I'm not

sure. Yeah. They are so like aware of it that they don't, like they're over, they like are afraid of smelling that they usually go the extra mile. There are obviously like some people that you can kind of just tell that they like don't, it's kind of obvious, but I'm kind of like a big sloppy guy, but I shower every day, I brush my teeth, I do all the right stuff, I use deodorant, I smell okay. I feel like I'm reaping the benefits of the opposite effect of that where like, I am a

small girl, so no one thinks I'm like, I'm not a candidate for, you know, a suspect for smelling bad, but the truth is like, I only take baths, I don't shower, and people like think that's gross. You don't shower? No. Really? Yeah. How often do you take a bath?

Like, and I don't do that often. I don't, sometimes I take baths, I don't even use soap, and this is like a big conversation I have with the person I'm dating sometimes, he's like, did you use soap? And I say no. I don't. I know that person, yeah. I feel like that's funny because I think you can, you can not, if you don't use soap and you shower, I mean, I do use soap and shampoo and stuff, but I'm like, oh, I feel

like that could like be almost, if you're taking a hot shower or a hot bath, it would wash the stink off, and that's really all that you kind of like the sweat and stuff would come off of you, right? Yeah. Yeah. I think, I don't know, I honestly don't, I mean, like they say, there's definitely that school of thought, there's like the weird internet subculture of people who are anti-soap.

Have you seen this at all? And they're just like, you don't use soap, you just shower with water, and eventually your body's natural oils come back, that you've been washing away with, you've been scrubbing away with soap all these years, and then you don't need any sort of deodorant or anything because naturally people don't smell like BO, that's what happens when we toxify our bodies. Yes. It's like a bunch of crap, but there's a certain subculture that buys into it.

Do you know what's funny is that I had acne in high school. Me too. And it was bad like a couple of years, like, and then there was like one year it was okay, but like for the most part, like all through high school, I had kind of, I had acne. So it was that sort of thing of like, I always was taking showers and washing my face, and like just trying, and that was kind of the annoying thing to me because I remember like, one kid, like, I remember like one guy talking about like a kid on the football team being like, I don't eat chocolate, man, it makes you like break out.

And I was like, I'm not like a kid who after school is like, I need chocolate and like go and eat chocolate. Right. I just had like weird genetics and I was breaking out an acne and I couldn't help myself. But that was kind of always for me, I was just, I always had to, I used clear cell and just was showering constantly. And the other end of that is, you were talking about like body stuff. I feel like I was just like always sunburned because I was always using like this shitty

chemical stuff. Right. And it was like Boston winters and like my lips would already be chapped and then like a cold Boston. I told, why, I told you this before, like, and I might have said it on the podcast, but I like remember like a vivid memory of like driving to school with my mom and like crying and putting on cover up on the way to school, being like, like hovering up my acne and with my mom's makeup while we drove to school and being like, you know, shut up mom, like yelling

at my mom. Like it was the most like shitty gross teen I ever, I ever was. It is traumatic though, because like, like that's like a relatable, because it's like, it's the curse of puberty is that you're at your most emotionally vulnerable and then you're also at your least attractive, at least some of us are and like, you know, I had a horrible. But you get the power of sperm. Right.

I had like horrible cystic acne in high school and into college and I eventually went on Accutane, which is like the strongest, it's still a classified, I think is an experimental drug. Yeah. The strongest anti-acute acne thing. My mom wouldn't let me take Accutane. Right. They maybe try everything else, including I had a cream that I had to keep in a mini-fridge

in my dorm room my first year. Oh my God. Like I had to stay refrigerated and none of it, none of it worked. And then I wanted Accutane that like cleared up within 12 months. Did you accidentally ever bring a girl over and give her that cream instead of a beer? You want a beer? She's drinking my acne cream. Yes, Mitch.

That happened a number of times. No, it was like, but like the thing about the thing about Accutane is it's like supposedly fucks up you emotionally and it's like a thing where it like drives some people crazy and I think it's a culprit and some, you know, kids losing their minds and shooting up schools and stuff. But I don't remember. Well, lay here's the thing. I don't remember it making me feel anything.

Like I remember no mood changes. If anything, I feel like I was like more stable when I was on Accutane. Interesting. Yeah, like I just like. I want to read about more side effects than if it's ever taking anyone's emotions away completely. I never used to wash my face and then I remember when I first moved to LA, I started dating this comedian and we like had a sleepover and we woke up.

It was Chris Rock, right? Yeah. So we woke over the next morning. He washed his face and I felt so insecure that he was washing his face and that I didn't like do that. And I remember asking him about it. And then after that, I started to wash my face. He was like, we work in show business, you need to wash your face.

Oh, interesting. That's very funny. It doesn't sound like a nice person. Classic Chris Rock. That is kind of a funny, like, yeah, there's like a lot, there are a lot of actors that are like, like, this is show business, like my body is like, like it's part of my job to get ripped every day. There are people who do that.

I know. Yeah. But depending on who you are, it is. Like if you want to like work in like action or certain, you know, if you want to work in certain fields, if you want to like soap actor. I do. I really do. I want to be an action star.

Yeah. I think I'd be, yeah. I think America's ready for an incompetent action star, a bumbling oaf who in the real world would get immediately killed, but in the action movie genre, somehow prosperous against all odds. I almost went, I almost joined the Navy out of high school or the Marines. And my mom, like, and I graduated in 2001, so September 11th would have happened like months later.

And my mom was like, I remember my mom being like, you'll get like shot, like you'll get killed if you go to the, into the armed forces. She like sat me down. I was like, you're tall. And like it was like her way of being like, you're big and goofy and like someone's going to shoot you when you're like gigantic head, you're going to get shot. And I was like, yeah, you're probably right. I probably would be killed.

But you know, I got, I got that's a similar talking to from my dad when I was considering joining the army at one point when I was unemployed. And I think the, I think parents think can only envision infantry as the, as a deployment like that's the only deployment. And there are many fields within the military that you could, I mean, they might have, they probably would have stuck you into PR or something. There have been like, oh, this guy's like, you know, affable and he could issue a statement. No, they would never would have put a gun in my, I mean, I'm not brave enough or fit enough

or anything to have a gun put in my hand. But I, but I, but I, I always, I always kind of a, well, I mean, of course I had, you always admire anyone who does that sort of stuff, but, but I was, I'm like, I feel like some, a lot of people are like, oh, I'm jealous of, of not going to school. I'm kind of jealous. I like, I feel, I feel like so many people I know who went and did that became like men. Right. And I'm just, I just became, I'm just this little shell of a man that's never been a

man. Yeah. Well, we'll never, we're never going to, we're never feel like men. We'll like go into our caskets, not feeling like men. Jesus Christ. It's true though. I mean, that's just like, that's just the thing I've accepted. I'm never going to feel particularly masculine or confident.

I'm just going to, I like, I'm at the same time, I'm just like, that we're, we're those little boys looking at each other's dicks. Yeah. That's where we are mentally. That's where we'll always be. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

So Esther, I have a question because, and you mentioned this earlier, you are a, it's fair to say you're a small person. Sure. What, what is your appetite size? It's really big. Oh, really? Okay. And I know that you're, everyone's listening.

They're like, yeah, all right. No, it is big. I have a very big appetite for food and for fun with food. Recreational food is the term that I like to use. I, we're talking about college, journalism college. I gained 30 pounds. I turned to food and sometimes in a sad way, but now things are a little more lighthearted. But yeah, I, I also, I am a huge fan of chain restaurants.

So when I heard about your podcast, I was like, holy shit, this is, this is cool. You're in the right place. Yeah. Um, I don't know what else to say. I do love chain restaurants a lot. You get, and we've been like, you like, when we talked about having you on the podcast, you sent us like a dozen options that were so many places. Yeah.

I got really excited. What were some of your, I know we're going to talk a little bit about wood ranch, but what are some of your favorites other than wood ranch? What are some of your go-tos? Taco Bell. Yes. Dairy queen, witch dairy queen. So I went to, you know, all the time with my family growing up and I always talk about

this one time where I was two towns over from our dairy queen at the movie theater and there was a dairy queen employee there who recognized me and that was a big moment for me and also I still remember the first time I ordered a medium blizzard as opposed to a small and the guy at the register was like, a medium. It was like a really big moment. Yeah. And I recently was in a couple of dairy queen commercials, which was like my biggest achievement. That's amazing.

Yeah. That was a huge deal for me. That's, that's, that's amazing. It was, it's, it's a huge, like I'm not going to pretend like I'm shy about it. I'm very proud. What did you do in the dairy queen commercials? I just, one was like, I was standing in an auditorium and just like excited about the new blizzard menu and another, I'm just like, I forgot my line, but something about filling.

It was the royal blizzard, which is a blizzard that has fudge in the, in the middle. Taco Bell, like I said, Chipotle, I used to have a really close relationship with. I'd go there like four or five times a week, not exaggerating. And then December 1st of last year, I had ordered Chipotle to go and I got sick and I, you know, and I like, since then it's been a slow build, getting, building the relationship and the trust back, but I just like ease my way in with just doing quesadillas and chips and guac. I just, I eat a lot of fast food, drive-thrus are really important to me.

I eat a lot of In-N-Out now that I live in California, but before it was a lot of McDonald's and Burger King, you know, I think I, there's nothing I could say that would surprise you guys. It's like I didn't, we all know all the tricks, like in and out you need to get your fries well done. Yeah. I don't like, I always get just the cheese fries. I don't like the sauce on it.

I don't know, you know. Yeah. I'm okay with it. I actually kind of like the sauce, the animal fries, but I understand that people just get the cheese fries. Yeah. And the well done fries at In-N-Out, I've gone back and forth on it. I had a phase when I was into the well done fries.

Now I think I just like the regular style fries, but I also had a phase where I'd get extra well done, where they'd like stick them in the deep fryer and it'd be in that deep fryer for a while. Like I'd be waiting for my order for some time and you'd get them and they'd be real, real crispy. In-N-Out isn't as good as Shake Shack. I agree. It's a bunch of, I think it's a bunch of crap.

I absolutely agree. It's gonna, it's, it will be proven in the next tournament of Shampions. Oh, you think that we're gonna do burgers again? We've already settled it. In-N-Out won over Shake Shack. That sucks bullshit. That was, we already settled it. It's done.

I can't believe that. I think Shake Shack is so much better than In-N-Out. Shake Shack is better than In-N-Out. That's insane. The bun. I mean, I know you guys talk about this all the time, but the bun. The bun is better. Yeah.

The In-N-Out bun is trash. It's really bad. It's a good bun. It's a good sponge bun. The fries are also not good. The fries are great. You call, this is insane. You're turning into a robot.

No. In-N-Out burger is great. And look, let me say this. It's fine to like Shake Shack more than it. It's fine. If you want to be declarative and say like it's definitely, like that's fine. It's okay to have that opinion. It is definitely better.

But here, here's the, here's the point I've made that I made repeatedly throughout the tournament of Shampions, which we did in March, which we've settled the issue. But I'll just to restate my point, you're yelling at us. They're in different price categories. You're spending four times as much money at Shake Shack as you are in In-N-Out burger. It's like, it's a lot more expensive. It's significantly more expensive. The difference between-

Six double outs. It's not significantly more expensive. It is. If you're talking about a full order, if you're going to get fries, a shake, and a burger, you're talking about those menu, each of those menu items being twice to three times as expensive as the equivalent in In-N-Out burger. Shake Shack is still on the level of fast food. It's on the level of fast food, but it's in a different price category.

You can't compare it. No, but I'm saying the price category is still fast food level. Yes, the price category, I'm just saying, what you get bang for the buck wise at In-N-Out burger is a factor you can't deny. And I'd say aside from that, it's just better quality food, period. That's insane. But, if you are going to compare the two, you have to account that, granted, you have to give the caveat that it's a lot more expensive than In-N-Out burger, that if you're feeding

a family on a budget, In-N-Out burger is a much, much better option, much closer in price point to McDonald's than it is to Shake Shack, and so it's not really fair to compare them. What families are you feeding on a budget? What's happening here? I'm talking about people. I'm talking about the common man, Mitch. I'm not talking about us LA-types.

You know nothing about us common men. You're not a common man. Yes, I am. I'm the most common of men. You're a common fool. Whoa! How dare you! The common man out there, the working class guy who's got to stretch his dollar to feed

his wife and kids, or, you know, if you don't want to be gender normative about it, to feed her husband and kids, or whatever the family structure is. You were gender normative about it. Yes, I flipped it around. I corrected my error, I apologized to everyone, or feed his husband and kids, or maybe just to feed whatever your family unit is. Are you having an Accutane flip out? Look, I'm saying this.

I'm just saying, whatever your family structure is, if you've got to stretch your dollar, it's going to go a lot further in and out burger than it is at Shake Shack. And I think that it's a better product regardless. Look, I don't feel like I'm the person to step in here, but can I just say that I do think Shake Shack is better. However, I do eat in and out more often because of the drive-thru convenience. It's a lot more convenient. It is.

That's actually a great point as well. It's also a lot more convenient. But Shake Shack is so much better and it melts in your mouth. It's like eating a cookie. It's so delicious. It's a fair opinion to have. Shake Shack is great. We haven't reviewed yet.

Five forks in my book. Shake Shack is fantastic. Just in and out burger. It's in a different category. All right. Let's... Okay. Here's another...

Wait, but this is another place you mentioned, Esther, which isn't... It's a chain in a sense in that it's connected to the Hillstone brand. Bandera. Bandera, which is the... I feel like the best in the Hillstone arsenal. All the restaurants are a little different and Bandera is kind of like their classic steak house concept. Yeah.

Classic American food. Right. To be honest, as I was eating at Wood Ranch today, I was a little sad that we weren't doing Bandera. Is that okay to admit? It's absolutely a fair admit. Oh, it's a fair admit. Okay.

I mean, we've covered... We covered Hillstone. Our friend David Phillips kind of covered the whole Hillstone family. But Bandera is great. Can we do different Hillstone? Can we do different Hillstone? Yes. Let's do all the Hillstone.

I know that you'll be happy. 100% in favor of that. I love Hillstone. Every restaurant is a home run. It's just funny to me because it's that sort of thing of like... It's like... In my mind, not Yamashiro, what's the... Yoshinoya?

Yoshinoya has the Yoshinoya Test Kitchen or something. I feel like that deserves a review over when we were talking about that on Jensen's episode. That is a different thing than what a regular Yoshinoya is. I feel like Bandera is different from South Beverly Grill is different from whatever. They are all different. Let's do a Hillstone deep dive, baby. I'm on board. Don't have to talk me into it.

But Esther, what is it you like about... What attracts you to Bandera specifically? The beef ribs are the best in the game. Yeah, really good. I love the cornbread skillet. The french chip sandwich. The french chip... Though I did famously hurt my tooth.

You wouldn't say that's famously? You did. You talked about it on an episode previously. We went to South Beverly Grill. We went with our old intern, Yu Song, who's doing very well for himself in Paris, France. This is my understanding. He's there studying abroad for his final year at Cornell. But we took Yu Song there for a send-off meal with a friend of the podcast, Evan Susser.

You got yourself a bone in your french dip. I got a bone in the french dip. A rare error at the Hillstone family and it hurt. But if you'd mentioned that to the staff, they would have made it right. I assure you. I still don't know. They've never made it right. You kept it to yourself.

I did. I had a veggie girl and I always used to get the kids' meal there and I had a bug in my food and I freaked out. I was so disgusted. I was so scared. I was shaken up. I told them and they're like, we're so sorry. They gave me money back.

They gave me like a $20 gift card and as we were leaving the restaurant, I realized that the bugs were coming out of my own hair. What the fuck was that story? Was this like in the middle? Did you watch the ring video that week? Why were bugs? I don't know but there were just like three or four little tiny bugs that were in my hair and it was the same.

They like fell on your hair from a tree or something like that? I don't know. I don't remember what I... Oh my God. Was this during a particularly long stretch between water-only baths? No. That's crazy. That happened to me at...

I got a little bug in my tendergreen salad. Oh. Right. Actually, I've had it happen twice. I've had it happen twice at tendergreens and also another time at Paquito Moss, which we have not reviewed yet. Oh. Paquito Moss, just speaking of it, Veggie Grill, there used to be a Paquito Moss right

next to a Veggie Grill in Santa Monica. Is that gone? They closed the Paquito Moss. The Veggie Grill's still there but they closed the Paquito Moss. I couldn't believe it. And with both of those places, even though tendergreens can be a disappointment a lot of the time. Yeah, it's a real role of the dice.

Yeah, but it's a role of the dice but then it is the healthiest fast casual you can get, I feel like. It's one of them. You could do Chipotle pretty healthy, I think. Yeah, you can. I know. It's just like you just get so... It just becomes the same thing over and over.

Yeah, it turns into a boring mush at Chipotle, I feel like. Yeah. And for one, it was like... At the Paquito one, it was actually kind of like a live little roachy-looking bug but it was almost like because the salad was fresh and I just think that the bug got in there. And it was also like it possibly could have been on the actual takeout, like the plastic carton, you know, like the plastic, what is that called, carton or whatever that it was in?

It could have actually been on wherever they store that, that's where it could have been. And it didn't bug me. It didn't bug me. Too much. Well played, dude, man. It didn't bug me too much but I didn't get any salad-based... I didn't get anything that had like sides, like salads from there for a while but it didn't even stop me from, like I still just kept getting the burritos from there.

I liked that place too much. Yeah, I had a bug at Chipotle and it didn't really slow me down. I also had a bug at Republike, which is one of my favorite spots on here in LA. Oh, wow. And that's a little fancy spot. And they like didn't care. They didn't fucking care. That's kind of bullshit.

I know. They didn't even offer to give me a refund, they're just like, we'll make you something else. And then I was like, I don't... It was just like such a weird exchange. They're so powerful. They should have at least taken off your... They didn't charge you for it, I hope.

No, they did. Yeah, they just... That's fucking crazy. I mean, like I know that whatever, with food there's going to be bugs sometimes going to happen. Right. It's fresh from the farmer's market sometimes that happens. Yeah.

Yeah. I guess, yeah. But no need for that, too. They should have treated you a little bit more. Yeah, it was disappointing. Tell us some of your bug stories. Hashtag, a human's life. What?

We'll take a quick break while we're back. What? No! Welcome back to Doughboys. That's hashtag, a human's life. God damn it. We could have left it on the other side. You didn't have to bring it back.

So Esther, let's get in to Wood Ranch a little bit. So are you... Would you say you're a barbecue fan? What attracts you to Wood Ranch specifically? I love ribs. Right. I love barbecue spots. I love a place where I know that there's a good barbecue sauce waiting for me, for

my fries, for my salad. So that to me is what... For your salad? Yeah. Okay. Which we can get into that in a little bit. But yeah, I just... And I love a chain.

I love that there's one at the Grove, there's one in Burbank. You know, I just... It's a good experience for me. You know, Wood Ranch, for me, is a go-to in-laws spot. My wife's parents love Wood Ranch, and we'll find it to be a very reliable place that has something for everybody. Totally. It's a real crowd-pleaser.

And great service. I've always been satisfied by the service every day. We go to the one in Cerritos. And just great service, just consistently being attentive, answering your questions, making recommendations that are honest. I need that, yeah. It's very helpful. And I say, as a person that came to LA from the Midwest, something that just has disappeared

from my life is bread bowls. Right. And, or baskets, I'm sorry, not bread bowls, but bread baskets. So at Wood Ranch, you get a basket of bread, you know, and that to me, that goes a long way. What do you think of that bread? Because it's kind of like a... It's apparently not butter, apparently doesn't have any dairy, but it's like a garlic oil

sort of roll. It doesn't sound appetizing when you describe it like that, but... It's so hot, it's so wet. It's very fresh, yeah. It's really good. Mine weren't wet enough. I had an issue with it. So I won't get deep into it right now, but my thing with Wood Ranch is that like everything

I had, I was like, this is good, but I had a lot of problems today. But I'm just going to say that even the bread, it was one of those things where I was like, oh, this is like bread is like baked in garlicky butter, but when I got to the middle of it, and it was warm, but when I got to the middle of it, it was like just too much of a plain bread. Like I needed like, I needed to be more buttery or more wet. Like I needed... It isn't quite salty enough.

Yeah. I wish it soaked through the bread, like it doesn't make its way through that shell was some of my issue today. It's trying, so they're kind of aiming for a similar thing for the Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits, which is something you just bite up and pick up and bite into. It's like not like a roll you need to crack open and spread some butter on. But I get what you're saying is that it's kind of big. And if you maybe don't get it at the right temperature, it may not be moist enough.

I'm passed during Rock Lobster Fest, I said that, why don't you get the option of a little butter and I get it with the Cheddar Bay Biscuits. Like I think that you need butter for these ones even more so. Like I wish that you had just a little bit of butter in it. I probably just solved all those problems, but I agree with you too, like the essence of that was good, and this is kind of where my frustrations with my visit at least came today because there are a lot of tasty things there and I do like barbecue, but it's a weird place.

Which location did you go to, Mitch? I went to the one by the Grove. Okay, that's where I went to too. And Esther, what's your go-to ranch? My go-to is the Grove, but today I was in Burbank and that's where I went. So what did you order their supposed recent visit? So the most recent visit today, I actually only got dessert. Oh wow.

I sat down and I ordered the Oreo cookie crunch dessert, but the thing that I get there, I used to work near a wood ranch and every day we would order lunch from wood ranch for like three weeks and I always got the barbecue chicken salad, no corn, ad avocado, and no dressing just barbecue sauce. So wait, because I got a little bit of heat on a previous episode when I said that sometimes I'll use mustard or mayo as a dressing in a pinch. Weird, much weirder than using barbecue sauce. Wait, what about...

I'll concede that, but how does barbecue sauce work as a dressing in your book? So fucking good. It's just a barbecue salad. It's so delicious. I originally tried that for the first time at this restaurant called Famous Dave's, which is another awesome chain that it's not local to LA, but they use barbecue sauce as a dressing. They don't do that at wood ranch, but you can make it happen on your own. There's also cheese on the salad too, right?

Yeah, there is. See, because it's that sort of thing of like if you got like a buffalo chicken salad and you didn't get ranch dressing on it or something, it would be similar, it would be a similar thing which is not that weird. It's not exactly super weird. You know, like a chicken salad with like yellow mustard on it, you know, it was weirder or mayo. That's weird.

I'll concede it's weirder. I'm going to say it still works. I honestly don't know about the mayo. A mayo, like a lot of dressings are basically mayo based. I don't think it's that. I don't think it's that insane. I don't think it's that out of bounds, but this is a discussion for another day. So, so, so beyond the barbecue chicken salad, was there anything you would commonly get

there? Or is that basically code? The chips and guac. I know that sounds crazy. I get it, but they're really good. You know, I will say because they're a SoCal based chain and their signature cocktail line is margaritas. So it's very common, I feel like in places that come out of Southern California to kind

of have some Mexican influences. So it makes sense that they do a good chips and guac, although I've not participated in it there. They're really good. It's like, if you're looking for a more Americanized guacamole that doesn't have like the bells and whistles, it's just like really homogenized avocado, you know, I mean, if it's done well, I think that's always a app that's that's great. I love chips and guac, yeah, Hall of Fame app.

So what is the, how is the, but the Oreo dessert you got, what was your assessment of that? It was not what I expected at all. It was, so it's three scoops of ice cream crusted with Oreo crumbles and then it says it comes with caramel sauce and chocolate sauce. I thought that would be like a dip thing to dip in or a pour would be in a cup, but it was just drizzled on the plate and to me that was like a first, I don't know, like that got me off on the wrong foot just because if you're going to advertise a caramel and a chocolate sauce, like that shouldn't just be a drizzle.

A drizzle doesn't need to be advertised. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. It should be a full container of sauce or whatever. The dessert was not great to start because the ice cream was really hard and I was hungry. That's a disappointment. I went for it and ate it even though it was really hard and then by the third scoop, it was so soft and I was like, fuck, this is like exactly what I wanted this dessert to

be the whole time. So I think if I were to get it again, I would just wait longer. Yeah. But that feels like a little bit of a kitchen miscue because they should know the right serving temperature and bring it out to you then, right? I guess that's true. Yeah. It's trickier though with, with a dessert, right?

It's tough. It demands a little precision from your pastry chef. Yeah. It might be my personal taste that I like. Ice cream really soft. What's your opinion of Cold Stone? That's the chain we just did. I really like Cold Stone.

I love the birthday cake remix. Right. They used to have a flavor called sinless sweet cream that I would get when I was trying to lose the 30 pounds I gained in college. I would leave lost weight in college. But you were rowing crew, right? I was rowing crew. That's the only time in my life where I was losing weight existently.

And also, you were jacking off a ton, so. You told me that's the way to do it, right? Yeah. To beat off the pounds. You know, you mentioned that Oreo dessert and made me think of it because you talked about Bandera. I just wanted to look up what it's called. It doesn't have a particularly interesting name, but Housemade Oreo Ice Cream Sandwiches

at Bandera. Have you ever had that dessert? No. I've never had dessert at Bandera. Oh my God. They have a fantastic dessert there. Like the, the banana cream pie they have there is the best banana cream pie I've ever had.

They had a network special where they had like a guy, like the best thing I ever ate was like a running special they had, and they had like the chef and he was like, the best one is at Bandera. Whoa. And he went to the Bandera that we, that we'd go to, the one in Brentwood, and he got that banana cream pie. I get it all the time. It's fucking great.

But the Housemade Oreo Ice Cream Sandwiches, if you want to change the pace, they're so, so fucking good. The desserts are fantastic there. You should, you should work for Hillstone. I would love to work for Hillstone. Don't you feel like ice cream sandwiches are such a pain in the ass? They are, but here's the thing. It's a fork, it's a fork and spoon experience there.

That's what, it's not something you're going to pick up and eat with your hands, it's something that's designed to be eaten with utensils. Have you seen you've had this? Yeah, I've had that dessert. It's great. Is it like a, is the cookie sandwich part, the bread part Oreo? Yeah, it's like an Oreo, it's like a, like over, it's a little oversized and you, you go on your expectations or maybe a little like, okay, I think I know what this is going

to be. And it maybe sort of resembles more of a chipwitch in terms of size. But just like everything, it's like, like the right, like you just kind of can crack into it with your spoon and you just get that, the texture is perfect. Yeah, that's what I was asking today for sure. It was just like that right texture where your spoon is like, I didn't have that experience until the very end. Look, not everything, not every restaurant can be Bandera.

No. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know, maybe we wouldn't appreciate Bandera as much if not, if every restaurant, Jesus. Does Wood Ranch only exist to help you appreciate Bandera? Yeah, I think that's their mission statement. Speaking of beating off, Jesus, you're going to be too excited about fucking Bandera. I love Hillstone.

It's great. You should quit comedy and work for Hillstone. I should definitely quit comedy. Yes. This is not working out for me. I'll quit with you. Yeah, that's great. Well, I heard you had so much, but you were so funny and then you just fell in love with

Hillstone. Well, I went to the, I went to the Grove, go for it, please. No, no, no, let's, you go first. Yeah, I was going to say, I went to the Grove, the same location I went last night and I buy myself after work and I sat at the bar and so I went in early and it was there for happy hour. Molly was my server. Molly did a great job.

Met in the bar by herself. There's a football game going on. So, you know, it wasn't packed, but there was a lot of, there were a lot of customers making demands and she was attending to all of us, really, really, really good service. Got myself the Wood Ranch margarita. They do some good margaritas there. I just got the basic margarita, which is $7 at a happy hour. They also have a spicy margarita.

I don't know if you guys, Esther, do you like spicy? No, I don't. Not a heat secret at all. No. If you like a little bit of heat, they've got a spicy margarita that's not bad there, but all their margarita varietals, I think, are all pretty satisfying. It's just Ornitos platotekila with lime and a little bit of orange juice, which is a little bit of their twist in the sweet and sour, quite good, quite refreshing.

I like it on the rocks with a little bit of that salt rim. The garlic butter rolls we touched on, the ones I got were very hot. In fact, I've never had an experience where they weren't hot and moist, so I'm in perturbed to hear that that was your experience, Mitch. I don't know what was happening. Maybe it was a high-volume shopping day or something. I don't know, but that's surprising. There weren't a ton of people in there.

There were not a lot of people in there. Yeah, so I don't know what was going on. I guess maybe more moist. I don't know how moist your guys were. The bread, it wasn't like it was hard, but I wouldn't necessarily call them moist. Mine was decently moist. Yeah, mine, like the whole experience was thoroughly wet. Oh.

Wait, so when you get those, when you're getting a to-go order, did you have a similar experience with those hot bread or did they not include the hot bread in your to-go's? Funny, you should ask. Yeah. They do include them. I don't touch them to go because I know that I'm not going to like what I'm getting in myself into. It's not going to be the experience you want it to be, and it's not worth it.

Right. That's using the old coconut. Well, I had been to this place before. I just kind of forgot about it a little bit. Interesting. Like way back in the day, I went to this place once, and I was just, oh yeah, the restaurant by the Grove, because it was, what was it before, like a Maggiano's or something? It was like some sort of Italian.

I think that Maggiano's might still be there. Okay. It was some sort. It was some sort of. It was some other thing, but it's the kind of thing where like if you're not, because at Wood Ranch is only in California, and if you just see it in isolation, I think it's a pretty, like the interior is pretty nice. I think it's like a pretty decent decor.

You might assume that it's not a chain just by virtue of, if you don't know the brand, you might just be like, oh, this is a standalone barbecue restaurant. Yeah. I went with the lunch special today, and I'm kind of, so the rolls, whatever, like I said, it was fine. I wish they were more moist, and it sounds like they usually are, but I messed up here or there, because I did the lunch special, and so I got sliders. It's your, you get two sliders, and you can mix them up.

And so I got the Western tri-tips, which were pretty much like tri-tip Philly cheese steaks, like sauteed onions and cheese. And then I got the cab cheeseburger, was the other thing I got. So I got these two sliders, and then it comes with either a soup or a salad, and I went with the soup today. I went with a chicken tortilla soup, and then you get to choose one signature side, and you can upgrade to, I guess it is the signature sides, which is the, or I'm sorry, you can upgrade to a premium side, and I did that, I upgraded to loaded mashed potatoes.

Here's the issue. The chicken tortilla soup didn't have almost any chicken in it, it was just basically like this broth, and it tasted good. I was with friend of the podcast and commissioner, Evan Susser, by the way, and we got the same exact thing. He thought the same thing, there was just not a lot of chicken in the soup, and it was just kind of like eating this broth, but the broth was good, but it just was like there was no chicken in there.

I'm really surprised by that, because I found, I've gotten their soups in the past, I usually opt for the salad, because I was trying something to balance with a heavy barbecue, but my last visit, I got the tri-tip mushroom soup, which was their soup of the day on Monday, which has kind of like a stew-like consistency, and they gave me some fresh ground pepper on top, but we're very generous with that, and that was real nice. What I noticed with the tri-tip mushroom soup is, a lot of mushrooms, a lot of tri-tip. I did not feel like they were skimpy on the mix-ins, if you will, at all. I feel like the more stew-y components were pretty, they were there, and they were dense.

No, for me, there was not a lot of chicken in there, and I'm not a guy who wants a ton. I actually don't like when it's overloaded with me. I kind of like when it's a good balance, or even I would go even on the lesser side if it's a soup. I don't need it to be filled with me, and when I get a sandwich, and someone stacks it too high, I'm like, that's too much meat or whatever, and even the same with the salad, there's a good balance, but this was too low. All these inconsistencies are really bumming me out.

I know. I'm surprised by that. I hate this. Every time I fall in love with a smoothie or something somewhere, after the third time I get it, it's never the same. You haven't encountered many inconsistencies in your Wood Ranch experience. No, I haven't. And I've been probably ten times, and I've always had a great time, and so here's what

I would say. I wonder if this is a Mitch's experience as a Malcolm Gladwell-style outlier, if that's out of the ordinary, and that we're seeing what's commonly reflected in the Wood Ranch. Let me pile on, because I went with a premium side, loaded mashed potatoes, so it was the mashed potatoes with cheddar and bacon. And here's the deal. The mashed potatoes were dry. They were not, the mashed potatoes, I was like, I wanted the mashed potatoes to be good

so bad because if we're getting mashed potatoes, fuck, I hope they're good. You know what I mean? You're spending calories on these things. They sprinkled cheese, like cheddar cheese on it, but they didn't even melt it. Oh boy. It wasn't really melted. It was actually like loose sprinkled cheese, just like a lot of loose sprinkled cheese. I have a picture of it, and bacon, and it just felt really sloppy.

And I was like, I paid more for this, like this made it worse. The premium upgrade made it worse. I wish I had just regular mashed potatoes, it made it a worse meal. The Western Tri-Tip was okay. It wasn't great. This was the slider, right? This was the slider, and I just kind of wish that I got Tri-Tip itself. I've gotten their Tri-Tip before, and it's really yummy.

So here, and the conclusion I kind of came to, I also had a Diet Coke, and then we also had an appetizer, which was the barbecue chicken potato skins, which were interesting. But here's the issue is that, I think there was just something inherently wrong with these and that the barbecue sauce is kind of like the base of it, and I don't know if the barbecue sauce makes a good base. Oh my God, yeah, I hate pizza when the barbecue sauce is instead of sauce. Right. And this was like, this is what that was going for, where it was like you bit into it, and

then it was like this kind of like underlayer of barbecue sauce, and I was like, oh, weird. They weren't like bad or anything like that, but I was just like, it's just like too much barbecue sauce. So those were, and Susser agreed, those were kind of a lot. Susser agreed? Susser was on board with all of this. He felt the same way. Here's when I realized what I should have done.

I had the cheeseburger slider, and the beef was so good. It was really, really good beef on that slider, and Susser and I were both like, if we just came and gotten cheeseburgers and fries, will we have left here happy, and I think we maybe would have. Yeah. And I don't know if it's like a thing where it's kind of sloppy because it's the lunch special, and a lot of people get it, or it's pre-made a little bit, or whatever it is. I suspect the lunch kitchen staff there was just underperforming.

Yeah. That's what it sounds like. There wasn't a lot of people in there. I mean, the service was great. Our waitress was very nice and helpful, but yeah, it was lackluster all around. The highlight of the meal was being like, man, this cheeseburger would have been great to have just a big cheeseburger. If I could blow up the, if I had a growing ray, the opposite of a shrink ray, and make

that slider into a regular-sized burger, I would have been a happy camper. Yeah. But there is, as we know, there is no growing ray. If there was, you would have used it on your dick a long time ago. That is interesting, though, because I do feel like sliders are notoriously dry because they're small there. So for you to have had this great experience with a slider is a pretty big deal. The cheeseburger slider was really, really good.

It was the star. I mean, we're talking like, I would have given this, this would have been one of my lowest ratings ever. Jesus Christ! Wood Ranch? Wow. That's dark. I know.

I know. It's fucked up. And I know that I feel like we might have to do a revisit here. Wood Ranch? What are your lowest ever? I swear that Susser would agree. I feel like you're not believing me, but Susser... I just, I'm, it's just shaking my, it's like a different, it's like talking to someone

with a different worldview. Like, I trust that that was what your experience was. I don't think this is one of your insane man experience. All of your arguments are well-reasoned. I just, it's just crazy to hear because I think Wood Ranch has always delivered for me. It's always been great. I mean...

But I, I do think that no matter how great a restaurant is, there's always going to be one person that goes in and makes some bad choices ordering. And I know that you're like, if it's a restaurant, it's great, there should be no bad choices. But I do think that's hard to find. Like I... Esther, you're right. This is Mitch's fault for ordering the wrong things. Yeah, I think he took too many big swings.

You dumb fucker. Where are you going for it? Hold on a second. So you're saying... I'm just kidding. You're paying sliders with mashed potatoes. Get fries, dipshit. Yeah.

What? Susser was on my side too. Susser had issues too. Yeah. You're the lovable Susser. What do you think of that? I'm just, I'm surprised, I'm going to have to text Susser afterwards and get his side of the story because I want to make sure you're accurately characterizing his opinion.

I texted him now and he's writing back. In this dark... His text writing back graphic is slower than other people's. In this dark moment, I just want to say that their chips and guac are so good that I've given thought to why I almost think that they're getting better avocados. They have better avocado access than most places. That's how good it is. I can't believe the quality.

They have some... Because there's like a weird, there's a weird thing with avocados in Mexico for a while where it was like the avocados were actually like, do you remember this one like, like I think cartels got like a hold of like, like took over some like avocado ranch or something. Oh, they were jacking up the price. And they were jacking up the... Or like it was also like a thought of like, we might not like, avocados like, we might not be able to get them for a while or something.

There is a shortage right now. Yeah. The avocado shortage. I think it happens a lot but in Mexico it was truly like some cartel or something. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good tip on the chips and guac.

I'll definitely have to try that app in the future. One thing I will say that you've pointed out the barbecue chicken salad is there. I've gotten a lot of salads there because a lot of times when I go to with my in-laws I'm like, oh, I don't want to necessarily have a big indulgent meal. I'll just have like a meal to sort of, you know, and their salads are great. Yeah. And that's a thing. A lot of barbecue restaurants do not have good salad options.

Like if you're not willing to go all out, you're just not going to be able to get a healthy meal and wood ranch, it's like, it kind of fits in with their sort of like, it's like a nice restaurant feeling. It's not like that barbecue restaurant aesthetic of you got peanut shells on the floor, like the fucking hamster cage. Yeah, exactly. There's none of that. It's just like a nice restaurant.

And I like that element of it that you can get something healthful and it will be generally pretty good. And I feel like also their green vegetables, if you get like a broccoli side, it's not just like a toss in. It's not just like some frozen veggies that they're going to reheat and toss on a plate. It's like a good, like nice, it feels fresh, whether it is or not, it comes out fresh. And I think that they're just like good with those produce elements. Go on, please.

It's also really hard to find a satisfying meal that doesn't have like a bread or potato in it. So a barbecue chicken salad that's good is going to fill you up. It's not going to put you to sleep. It's like a really good lunch. Yeah. I've gotten their tri-tip salad. That tri-tip salad's really yummy.

They also have one called the Natalie's salad, which I haven't had, but that's my wife's name. So I like that they have it. I was reading that one today. It's like goat cheese or something. I don't know. I'm sure it's a lovely entree. So I had...

Yeah, tell Natalie tonight, when you get home, it will be an interesting little night for her. What? There's a salad called the Natalie's salad. She knows about it. We've discussed this before. What? This feels like your wife is fake.

Like, what is this? My wife is a real person. Who's so bored of Nick that Nick comes home and tells stories about salads to her. She's definitely bored of me. She deserves someone better, like me. What is going on? I'm fine if this marriage eventually falls apart and she is happier, then that breaks my heart, but whatever.

But I just want her to not end up with you. Oh my God. That would be... If she ended up with you, that would be the worst. Can you imagine? This is the worst. Also, we'd have to continue the podcast, too. Oh, of course.

Because I'm this far into it. So I'd just be having a broadcast with a man who cuckolded me every week. I'd start calling you my son. Jesus Christ. Once, I was trying to get to see how jealous I could get my boyfriend just because you're just in conversation, not acting out, and I was like, what if I dated one of your friends and he was like, they would be really good to you. He's like, that my friends would treat you really nicely, and he saw it as a positive

thing. That's a very progressive attitude. I know this. He's a very nice, sweet man. He is. Yes. And he doesn't get jealous. So.

Well, good for him. That's a great attitude to have. The tri-tip mushroom soup I mentioned, really good. You had a bad soup experience. I was very, very content. It wasn't bad, but yeah. It was not great. It wasn't great.

You weren't sacked about it. I was very, very content. And then the sandwich I got was a recommendation by Molly. It was the, now here's the thing, I will usually get just a meat or a, I've gotten the tri-tip before. I've gotten the, I believe the brisket before. I will usually get a meat or I'll get a salad. But this time I decided to go for a sandwich because I've heard their sandwiches and burgers

were going to get the Ethan's brisket sandwich was one of the, she said was one of her favorites, which is Swiss Carolina slaw pickles, Thousand Island dressing on a toasted brioche bun. And it comes with a side of skin on fries. Here's the thing. When I see brioche bun, I'm always like, okay, because I feel like brioche is usually too much bread, especially for that kind of sandwich. It was great. It was like pillowy and soft and it was not overwhelming.

It was like the right proportion of bread to meet. The only negative I can say about the sandwich is that it was very spilly. It was a real mess. My barbecue, my restaurant was just covered, or restaurant, my napkin was covered with barbecue sauce by the end of it. It was just like a mess, but I was like a messy baby, but the brisket was delicious. And the, the different components, the cheese was nicely melted. The slaw, the pickles, the Thousand Island, that was just enough.

It wasn't overwhelmed with sweetness. It was a great sandwich. It was really, really good. And then that spillage of that tri-tip, which they, or I'm sorry, that brisket, which they do really well onto the plate was just a delight to sop up with some of them skin on fries. Real real good. Oh, the fries were great. Fries were fucking great.

They were so well fried. They were, they were delicious. I had a great meal. I just, I enjoyed myself thoroughly and it's clearly at odds with what your experience was and it's at the same location and our experiences were probably 12 hours apart. It's just, it's just crazy that it was, it was literally night and day and figuratively night and day in terms of our experiences, our divergent experiences there, Mitch. What are you going to do?

Well, let's, let's get into it. Let's, let's give our final ratings. Let's give our final thoughts. So here's how this works. Can I just quickly say. Please do, Esther. You're talking about a brisket sandwich leaking everywhere. I just, that's to me such a big picture issue with any kind of barbecue sandwich that it

spills everywhere and I wish that, I wish, just putting that out there in the universe that like I wish there was another way. Yeah. They got to figure that out. Like I don't know if it's a, if it's some sort of like hypothetical bread tortilla thing that completely encompasses a sandwich. So there's a minimal amount of spillage because that's the advantage of a well made marito. You can have a bunch of sloppy ingredients, but they'll stay together because that tortilla

is wrapped around it tightly and it's well made. If I was a God, which I hope to be someday, spilling is one of the things I get rid of. Yeah. Maybe on my list. Get spilling out of there. Bummer. Yeah. Spilling is a bummer.

No more spilling. All right. We'll see. We'll see what happens. As Mitch mentioned, we'll get to our final thoughts as Donut has turned onto her side and her, Paul was facing me as she was nodding off a second ago. She's stirring awake now, but it was just so adorable. So we'll give our thoughts and so Esther kind of give your closing argument and then at

the end of it, give Wood Ranch your rating on the order of one to five forks. We'll start with you. Okay. As a young girl from the middle of America, I come to Los Angeles, a big city. There's no bread baskets. There's definitely no Chicago hot dogs, but that's like a bigger, different issue. There's no famous days. There's no barbecue chicken salad.

Then I find Wood Ranch. I find the things I've been looking for. It's always there. There's one at the mall. There's one in Burbank. It's easy to get to. They have a pretty good dessert now. I know there's it disappointed me in its own way, but also the best guacamole, which is

crazy to say it's a barbecue restaurant. I give it four forks, four forks. Great score. Go ahead, Mitch. All right. Well, my big thing is that I felt like everything besides the soup, I could have just made in my apartment and I think it goes without saying I'm a shitty cook. Oh, that's it.

If you're in a strange city and you don't know anywhere else, you could do worse, but you got to keep it simple, burger, fries, and a few beers, and beers would probably make the whole thing better. Three forks is what Evan Susser's review was. Whoa. Okay. For me, I had an even worse experience than Evan Susser. Wow.

And I'm not rating it three forks. My favorite part of the meal was the burger slider, and I wish I had a bigger burger. Yes, maybe we messed up, but my experience was just not that great. And I got to go with two and a half forks. Fuck. Wow. Sorry. You really low balled it down.

I really, I really, you guys, yep, I'm sorry. That's fair. Three forks. I gave it two and a half. He got baked beans. I got loaded mashed potatoes, a premium side. His side was better than my side, which was garbage. We'll average your guys' review and say that it's two forks, three prongs.

How about that? No. No. Susser doesn't get in on this. Mitch plus Susser, two forks. No. What the fuck? You're not going to raise up Wood Ranch Grills ranking because of, because Susser went with

me. Two and a half forks for me. All right. I might move it to two if you don't shut the fuck up. I love Wood Ranch. I have a great time every time I go there. Like I mentioned earlier, it's like a clean, just like a very nice, just sort of almost a steakhouse feel to it.

Just a very classy sort of establishment in terms of decor, in terms of atmosphere. They've got some sports going, but it's not overwhelming you. It's like a classy, nice high-end sports bar sort of feel, slash steakhouse. Everything's got a nice sheen of class to it. The service is great. Very attentive, very informative, very knowledgeable about the menu. I had a great experience my last time. Every meal I've had there has been filling and delicious.

We didn't really touch on their barbecue sauces, but they've got like a sweeter sauce. They've also got an abanero sauce, or at least I think they disconnect you to that abanero sauce, but they have a hotter sauce. They're both very tasty if you're a barbecue sauce fan. I had a great time and part of what was great about this meal was I had this delicious, delicious experience, and I was clearly a little messy and Molly noticed and she passed me a wood ranch branded post-meal wet nap in a nice little wrapper. I took that out and I cleaned myself right up at the table.

I heard that you took your clothes off, you cleaned your entire body. I gave myself a horse bath at the bar area of the Grove restaurant. No, I washed myself with just my face and hands. I'm not an animal. A horse bath? A little problematic. Am I? Should I retract that?

Am I going to have to apologize for that? I think you should apologize to everyone right now. Don't you agree, Esther? I'm sorry for saying horse bath. I'm sorry also earlier when I made some gender normative comments about a hypothetical family man who's trying to eat on a budget at an outburger. In any event. Not forgiven, but continue.

I tell you what, wood ranch is great. Four and a half forks. I would go back any time and I would have a blast. Does part of you feel it's like a poor man's bandera? Well, it's not quite growing for the same thing as bandera, but I mean in a sense every restaurant is a poor man's bandera because they can't all be bandera. But it was pretty good. Mitch, I think I have to introduce, you know, we've got some awards.

We've got the Ballpark Buds Club, we've got the Hand Holding Club, we've got the Gold and Plate Club. I'm going to introduce a new award. I think this is the first ever entry in the Shailene Woodley Club because our scores were divergent. Oh my God. Well, the podcast is finally over. Oh my God.

All right. That was our discussion of wood ranch. It's time for a regular segment. We've got a beverage and we're going to decide if it's worth pouring down your throat. It's drank or stank. I'll go get it. Mitch is going to go fetch this. Esther, here's the thing about doughnut.

Look, Esther talking to Nick Long. I'm a lovely conversationalist. So here's the thing. Doughnut is so compact. How much food, how much puppy chow does that dog go through? She, you know, like a small handful three times a day. Oh really? It's just that?

Yeah. Do you have it like? She loves eating too. Does she eat out of your hand? Does she have a little bowl? She eats out of a bowl, but I think that if we don't get closer soon, I'm going to start feeding her out of my hand. That's how I got the other one.

Right, right. You just sort of build like a motherly connection to them. Is there a treat situation with a dog of this age? Like, do you ever give them? I wish there was, but we've tried like seven different treats and she doesn't like any of them. She's not into treats? No, I know.

It's like, how can I truly feel close to her? Right. Yeah. That feels like a bizarre disposition for a dog to be treat-a-verse. I feel like every dog is like in love with treats. It's like what gives them purpose in life is completing tasks to satisfy their humans so that they can earn more treats. So one strategy is to just starve her and then treat her with her food, but we haven't

gotten there yet. Right. Okay, Mitch, what's the beverage you've got us for this week's treat? We got ourselves this regular segment, Drank or Stank. We got something new, but something old right here. Oh my God. It's a Gatorade drink. Gatorade, moving into the organic market, Gatorade Organic.

Gatorade, third scrunchie, where it's an organic strawberry. Very futuristic drink packaging. Yeah, this is like a bottle that you'd see in like a Back to the Future movie. Yes. It's kind of concave and ribbed. It's very strange. I'm wondering what's going to happen when we open these here. They're going to kind of, it's going to inflate a little bit, but...

Yeah, it feels like it's going to go everywhere. Yeah, it's 120 calories. It's strawberry. I guess it's just, I guess it is organic Gatorade, but we'll... But, I mean, just, it's just organic sugar. Yeah. Yeah, the ingredient list, water, organic sugar, citric acid, organic natural flavor. That sounds a little suspect, organic natural flavor.

Sea salt, sodium citrate and potassium chloride. Sodium citrate and potassium chloride still qualify this as organic? It smells a little more like fruity. It almost feels like we might be having a boku right now. And it's strawberry flavor, did we say that? Which I've never seen a strawberry Gatorade before. Fierce strawberry Gatorade is my favorite Gatorade. It's a great Gatorade.

Esther, are you a Gatorade fan? I used to be, but you know, you kind of have to stop drinking sugary drinks. You can save your calories for other things. Right, if you can... That's my issue. If you can get rid of liquid calories, you can slim down quite a bit just by like removing that from your diet. But it's hard to do when you get used to it.

All right, lay off. All right, I know. No, I'm not trying to... I'm not trying to guilt you specifically. I'm just saying like that's like a thing that... You told me this specifically before. Oh, you're right. I did.

But I'm just... I'm not trying to guilt you. I'm just saying like it's a thing you can cut out that will help a lot. Yeah. So are you... Are you ever... Were you ever an athlete? Are you someone who works out?

Extra says a lot? I used to dance. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. But I just... My dad is always health-conscious and I was always like, don't drink your calories. But I do.

You know, I have lattes and stuff. Yeah. But I try... I remember when I was younger, I tried to stop liking mayo and stop liking sugary drinks as like a weight loss thing. Huh. Yeah. I've...

I used to... I swim more now, but I used to run a lot. I guess probably when it gets too cold and the pool shuts down, I'll probably start running again. But I used to have a lot of Gatorade in my running days and then I had a roommate who was like, my dad's a distance runner. Don't drink Gatorade. It's just empty calories, like kind of what you were saying.

And I was like, oh, that's interesting. Gatorade is something I'm giving up. Right. I love it. And I love that fierce strawberry. I kind of give it up. It's too much. I like the yellow one.

Oh, yeah. The classic. Lemon lime. Yeah. Yeah. I'd usually go orange, but the fruit punch I'll go to a lot. But if I'm going... We talked about this before, but the blue I like as well.

This strawberry is real good. Let me say that. My first sip of it, I was like, ugh, this tastes like a G2. It tastes like a diet Gatorade. Right. But then as I drank it more, I was like, huh, it's not like a G2. It tastes like kind of like real strawberry flavor. My thing is, is that this is like, feels like a weird fruit drink instead of like, I think

it's good. I just don't think it just doesn't taste like a Gatorade. It's very strange. Yeah. If instead of a drink or stink, this was a Weiger challenge and I was given this blind. It doesn't have the bite of a Gatorade. And so I would not be able to identify this as Gatorade. I'd think it was something else.

I think this was a Capri Sun or something. To me, for 30 grams or 29 grams of sugar, this is not taste good enough. Right. Yeah. I'd rather eat a brownie or, I don't know, it's just to me this, and it's also like such a scam. Is that too much? That is organic.

Yeah. No, I think that's fair. It feels pretty scammy and like you're just trying to, you know, prey on the innocent who just want to be organic. Yeah. You know what? It reminds me, like if I'm working out, like you were saying like, yes, you're not supposed to drink Gatorade after you worked out at some calories or whatever.

But like if I was like hungover, this is when I really drink Gatorade, if I'm hungover or if I did just work out and I didn't want a Gatorade or I felt like super dehydrated and I didn't want water, this wouldn't do the same thing for me like a Gatorade would. It just tastes like a juice instead. Not that it tastes like a decent juice. Are you guys noticing like a weird spice to it? Almost. I'm not really picking that up.

I'm not picking that up. Is it an aftertaste? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. I'm not picking that up, but you may have a weird, it's organic, who knows, you got a little, you got a little spice in there. So I think the thing is you'd have the same, you may have the same biochemical or the same physiological effect from drinking this hungover, but you wouldn't get the same sort of sensory

effect. Yes, yes, yes. Because it doesn't coat, this is a weird thing to say, it doesn't like coat your teeth in the way a regular Gatorade does. It's just not as filmy. It's like a Boku. What's a Boku? Richard Lewis did the Boku commercials that were like the adult juke's juice boxes.

I don't remember. Did you remember this at all? No. No one remembers Boku. I was talking about it. You don't remember Boku? I don't remember it. If you out there remember Boku, hashtag, I remember Boku.

Also or hashtag, I'm Richard Lewis. I'm sure he listens. Anyways, I think this would, I had the opposite reaction. If I have a hangover, I think I'd rather have this because it's a little less syrupy. It feels like it would feel a little bit more nutritious and it's definitely a lot of sugar, but you are restoring those electrolytes and getting a lot of salt, which is a lot of times what your body needs after a drinking bench. I'm going to go with drink on this one.

I like how it tastes. It's good. I want to drink all of this. I won't, just because I would just use personal restraint, but I think it's very tasty. I like it a lot. I'm almost done with mine. USDA certified organic, electrolyte blend with sea salt, carbohydrates from organic cane sugar.

Sea salt is what's causing the spice for me. Oh, could be. Yeah. No added sugar. It does look like, it just looks kind of weird. No added sugar? Hmm. Where does it say that?

Oh, I'm sorry. No added color. Yeah. Organic sugar is the second ingredient. It's mostly added sugar. Yeah. Sorry, I was wrong. That's all right.

I'm going to give this a very, like I'm almost in the middle on this. Yeah. I'm going to give it a very tentative drink, but Esther, I think you should give it what I think you're going to give it, and I think that will be accurate. Yeah. What is it? Drank or stink? Drank or stink.

This is a stink. Wow. This is a hard stink. It's also just, if you have a hangover, I've never had a hangover before, but I do know that coconut water is a way better option than this garbage. This is pure sugar. Wow. You can get electrolytes from coconut water, and you'd be much better off.

That's a good tip, but I want to follow up. You've never had a hangover before? No, I've never drank before. You've never drank? Okay, just a personal choice? Yeah. Wow. Also, I'm so shocked at this, like you've become so pro-health, but you were talking

about eating at Chipotle five nights a week. I'm really not pro-health. I'm not in my own ways, I guess I try to be, but yeah, no, I'm not very healthy at all. Yeah, I'm almost in the stink category. It's very close. Go with your heart. Yeah. Look, if you're willing to fucking roast Wood Ranch, a delightful restaurant that's a mark

of consistency and high quality, then you can give this fucking organic Gatorade that you're not too keen on a stink. Yeah, you know, it kind of weirdly tastes like gummies, like a gummy flake, like a gummy bear. Yeah, there's something there. I like it. It's good. I'm right in the middle.

It's neither drank nor stank. Okay. This is the, what is that? Is that an MC Escher? That's not an MC Escher. Sure. Okay, it's an MC Escher. Yes, that's what I was referencing.

The smart spoon man that I am. Right, it's neither one thing nor the other. It's both at once. That's right. Mm-hmm. Take us home, Weiger. That was drinkers' tank. You just want to get out of here.

You're ready to leave the studio. You never make any effort to move the show along, and today you've been kind of really prodding me. All day, we taped back-to-backs today. Yeah, we do that sometimes. We had a Doughboyz double session. A bang bang. No.

Yeah, we had a bang, we call them bang-bangs. Scott Ockerman has issued a cease and desist order, but we still call him that. He's going to come on and tell us that to our faces. I'll never come on the podcast. No, that's from Louis. Yeah, no, no. I knew the Louis reference. I don't know if Weiger knew it.

It's a Louis reference. It's him and who's the comedian, Robert Kelly? Yeah. Yeah, he's super funny. He plays his brother. Is that? I don't know. Is it Robert Kelly?

Have you guys seen the show? Yeah. Oh man, I just burped. You made me laugh. Burp. It's where you have two meals back-to-back. Oh, okay. We went to a ranch, and then we went to Bandera right after.

It would be a bang-bang. Oh, I'm a big guy, but I've never done back-to-back meals, yeah. I did it in college, but I've never done it. Yeah, that sounds great. I had a co-worker once who had, we went to a Mexican restaurant for lunch, and he got two, he just ordered two entrees and took them both down. It was really impressive. Jesus.

Without flinching. He was just a big eater. Was it the man first food guy? Adam Richman? Was it Adam Richman? Yeah, we worked together in the video game industry. It was a B.O. problem.

All right. Just like a restaurant, we've got your feedback. Let's open up the feedback. Today's email is- By the way, I don't want to move things along, which I'm proving it right. Right now. Yeah. We have a great guest, a cute little puppy.

Yeah. Why would I want to move things along today? Everything about this is delightful. Also, I'm sorry, I feel like I'm laughing so much because you guys are so funny, and I hope that's not annoying to listeners in my life. I feel like- No. Self-conscious.

No, we- We've talked about this before. Yeah, it makes us feel good. We think we're bad at this. We're generally eating shit while we're doing this. Yeah, constantly. You know what? If you feel bad about it, we'll bleep it out.

Yeah, you don't have to. The podcast listeners will enjoy bleeping of the entire episode. Donut's so fucking cute. Yeah. Oh my God, she's like blinking one eye. She's trying to get- she's getting sleepy, Jesus Christ. This dog, yeah, out there, this is- the auditory experience is not translating how cute this dog is in person.

I mean, a part of me wants to go home and see my little kittens. Oh, yeah. Wally and Irma. Give them a snuggle. All right, just like a restaurant value feedback, let's open up the feedback. Today's email us- today's email comes to us from Graham Harris. Graham writes, As someone who grew up with raging atheists for parents, I have always found eating at

other people's houses for dinner to be kind of awkward when the family goes to say grace. I never know whether to be a good little boy and bow my head and go along with a charade or not compromised by beliefs and sit there with a blank stare in protest. Besides not to sound condescending, but I've always found it bizarrely entertaining to keep my eyes open and watch all the people engaging in their worship. I understand it's a personal question, but I was curious where you guys stand on this. Now, Mitch, you're something of a godly man. Not really.

But you're a believer in- I mean, yes. The Holy Spirit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? I feel like you should change your name to Graham Chapman, because you're a joker, man. Graham Chapman from Money Python? Yeah, because this guy's clowning around on us here.

Okay, not the joker in the Batman villain, but just a joker in the sense that he's- No, god damn it. I'm saying he's being- He's making wisecracks. Yeah, he's making wisecracks. You know, Graham Chapman was not like that type of comedian, but whatever. No, he was like a kind of a physical sketch comedian. Anyways.

Very good actor. Great. Brilliant comedic mind. That still worked, because yes, we've talked about this before. I'm a man who believes in God. I believe in ghosts also, and I believe in Frankensteins. I believe in a lot of things. I believe in multiple Frankensteins.

I believe in every monster in the monster squad. I believe in a lot of things, so I'm a fool. But I mean, I do feel like I was a person who, like, you know, like Irish Catholicism has taken its toll on me. In some parts of my personality, but I also don't think that I was raised very- I went to church, not even all the way through elementary school. I think we stopped going while I was in elementary school, but we did go. I got first communion, and I even had confirmation, but I never took it really that serious.

But I did pray to God, and I would pray to God occasionally and stuff, and I would think about him and when people were- I mean, it can be like a solace. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I don't know if I believe the story of the Catholic Church or whatever or the story of the Bible, but I do consider myself Catholic, even though I don't even know if I believe all of it.

Right. I don't. You don't feel like transubstantiation is a miracle, necessarily. Yeah. I don't think that I'm eating flesh of Jesus in church when I eat bread, but I get what the representation is, and in a way, that's what I did. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I don't take everything that the church says as whatever. Of course I don't. But I do believe that there might be something else, but more so, I try to respect whatever anyone's beliefs are, even if you're an atheist, if you're agnostic, if you're Muslim, if you're Jewish. I try to respect all of that. And there's a world where I think we can respect all of that, and we all can- I know that some things bump up against each other, but maybe there's a world where it

can all work out, or maybe the ends justify those religions. Not that I'm saying that they justify the millions of killings and the pedophilia and everything. Yeah, where are you going with this? I'm just saying, I'm saying like in the way that it gives some people, in the good way that religion gives some people peace, inner peace. So that's my big spiel about religion, and for the people who are good people and use religion in a peaceful way, in a non-judgmental way, in a way that is good for their soul,

then I think that's a great thing. And I think that if I was in someone who's agnostic, or if I was in someone who's an atheist house, and they're not bowing their head, and they were like, we don't bow our head for grace or whatever, I don't think I would- If I was in someone else's house, I don't think I would be like, I need to pray before dinner or something if they were like, we don't like that. I mean, here's the truth of the matter. I get it because your way of being like, well, this goes against my belief of there being

nothing, and shouldn't I be able to keep my head up or whatever, and yeah, you can. I mean, you can, but does it bother you that much to, even if you don't believe it, just like to bow your head down and not say anything? I think I would do that for any religion. If it was Jewish or Muslim or whatever, I truly think I would just like put my head down and for whatever they were doing when they were saying their peace. Yeah, there's another common decency of just like being respectful of someone's beliefs, but Mitch, I have to ask, if you are at a raging atheist house, and they said before

this meal, let's say a secular prayer to the Lord of Science, Neil deGrasse Tyson. Would you bow your head and respect their wishes? No, fuck Neil deGrasse Tyson. No one worships that dumbass. Neil deGrasse Tyson, the dumbest scientist. Hey, tweet at Neil deGrasse Tyson, hashtag dumbest scientist. Just let them know what's up. This isn't going to backfire.

Esther, what's your feeling on Grace Before Beals, this guy's specific query? I feel like you can bow your head and not give up. Just by doing that action, that's not you're giving up your point of view and your beliefs. To me, when I'm in that situation, which I have been, I just bow my head and think in my, and kind of not giggle out loud, but in my head, I share a giggle with myself, this is silly, but I'm doing it because these people are silly, no offense. But that's my way of being respectful, but also having my own beliefs. Right, yeah.

I mean, I guess I understand what his issue is, the thing of bowing your head, like you have to bow to this thing and I don't know. But if you don't believe in it, it's like who cares? It's more just being courteous to your hosts than anything and more being respectful of other people. I would say Graham, because I probably am an atheist. I don't think about it that much. I mean, I also believe in science.

I mean, I get a bad rap, I truly wasn't that religious growing up. I really, I think other families were like, if we felt more like Simpsons-y or something where it was like, I mean, I guess they go to church a lot. It was that sort of thing, but we were like the family that was bad with church. You were superficially Catholic. You weren't necessarily, you know, and then that governed your belief system a little bit. The only thing it is, all the bad parts of Catholicism that fuck people up like I got.

I feel like I got some of those things. That's the only thing I got from religion. I tend to try to believe in it because I feel like it helps me in some moments, but I don't actively pray. I don't do anything like that. And even growing up, we didn't say grace before dinner. We would say grace maybe before Thanksgiving, if we were like a family or like when we were at my grandparents' house on my mom's side.

I think like before like Sunday dinner, we would sometimes say grace, but I feel like not even always. Yeah. It certainly wasn't a regular mealtime thing for me. My family were Episcopalian, but we weren't very religious in the home. But definitely around holidays, my grandpa, who's since passed away, but he would love to, he would like to read a little prayer before we'd have Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. And that was always very nice.

And he was a man of science. He worked for JPL, which designs technology for NASA. He worked there for many years. I would just say, because I'm probably, to continue my point I was saying earlier, Graham, I'm probably something, I'm probably an atheist, but I don't identify as an atheist because I think a lot of atheists are just, they just, there's this kind of new atheism movement, which is kind of being like this asshole who's kind of really putting yourself out there and like shouting people down.

Yeah, like that. And I feel like there's like a way to be like, I probably call myself agnostic, even though I probably, just because I don't want to identify with that movement. And I think it's fine to be an atheist, but you don't want to be the Richard Dawkins atheist. You know what I mean? You don't want to be the guy who's like such a, who's no fun to be around and is just telling people they're wrong and dismissing their beliefs.

And it's just like, calm the fuck down, you know, like, In my mind, I like that, that, that is like a, maybe that's why Neil deGrasse Tyson does bug me. But I feel like anyone who like feels like they have a figure out, I'm not denying science. I know that there's so much science, but like, it's that sort of thing of like, can't, shouldn't everyone be a little bit agnostic, like, shouldn't, shouldn't we not have a full idea of what is out there in the world? Do you have to suck the magic out of things?

Do you have to suck the mystery and wonder out of people's minds? Guess what? Neil T. Son, there are some things that we don't know and Neil, what, I'm not just going to have to Neil deGrasse Tyson, baby. I'm going after that piece of shit who lied about the flake gate and whose name I can't even remember. Bill Nye, the science guy. Bill Nye, the fucked up science guy.

He's got a Netflix series coming out. Guess what? I'm going to give it one fucking star. You fucking liar. Huh? You want to explain, what a piece of shit. He's, he's maybe higher on my, my, uh, what's that hit? Oh my God.

He's higher on my shit list than, uh, than, uh, Neil deGrasse Tyson. Can't we just have cool science? Yeah. And who cares if, if on the surface of Jakku, BB-8 would spin uncontrollably as a steel sphere because he wouldn't have enough traction with that desert sand. We don't need to hear that shit, Neil deGrasse Tyson. Did he really tweet that out? He did.

Let us enjoy J.J. Abrams' great film, The Force Awakens, without you undercutting it with your scientific mumbo jumbo. But you know what? That is a thing. I don't, how do you, how do you know Neil deGrasse Tyson, you haven't been to that fucking planet? Right. Yeah.

You asshole, what if the sand's a little fucking different than it is on, on Earth? The scrap metal that Ray retrieved from inside that star destroyer would not actually be worth one quarter portion, the fuck are you talking about? Stop trying to play your scientific analysis to everything. It's science fiction. Exactly. Let some people have their fun. Leave on carplut alone.

If you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants, you can email us at doboyspodcasts at gmail.com, check out our Facebook page, Do Boys, follow us on Twitter at doboyspod, subscribe and rate us on iTunes. And that cute little puppy yawning sound means. It's about time to end this episode. Esther, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you guys. Thank you for bringing donut into our lives.

Yeah. Do you have anything you would like to plug at this time? I would just love to have you guys on my podcast, which is also on Feral Audio. Oh my god. I love, we'd be honored. We are adults. You guys should totally do it. Wait a minute.

We're not weird adults. We're normal men. No, this is the perfect show. Come on down. Awesome. Yeah. And wait, give a shout out Donuts Instagram again. Donuts Instagram is donut in the city.

Donut is so cute. Yeah. You gotta see this stuff. You can get a little glimpse of what I've been talking about. She's the best. All right. We'll get ready. And you're the best.

Yeah. That'll do it for this episode of Doe Boys. Until next time, for the Spoonman Mike Mitchell, I'm Nick Weigar. Happy eating. See ya. Feral Audio.