Doughboys - Yard House with Matt Besser

Episode Date: October 5, 2017

Jockdoughberfest 2017 kicks off as Matt Besser (Upright Citizens Brigade, improv4humans) returns to review sports bar and restaurant, Yard House. Will this chain get a touchdown, or fumble at the 5 yard line? Plus, stories of childhood sports trauma, and a contentious edition of Snack or Wack. Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

With a name like Steel Platt, you might expect an 80s pro wrestler or a ski movie antagonist. But he's actually the founder of perhaps the chain restaurant industry's biggest 21st century success story. Platt first rose through the ranks in the hospitality business in Denver before moving out west to sunny SoCal in the mid-90s for a fresh start. In 1996, while tending bar in nearby Huntington Beach, Platt spotted a for lease sign on the property in Long Beach's Waterfront Shoreline Village neighborhood. He recruited a trio of investors to begin an upscale sports bar concept centered on size.

Large footprint, giant menu, and its piece de resistance, a staggering 250 beer taps, served ice cold and knee-high glassware. Coming on the cusp of the gastropub trend, the restaurant also emphasized quality, its higher-than-average price menu encompassing both traditional pub fare and more daring items with an Asian fusion influence. The Shoreline Village location was a local sensation, helped along by the gentrification of the LBC's downtown area as well as the opening of the nearby Long Beach Aquarium. By the year 2000, Platt's eatery boasted the third highest per capita sales in the entire

restaurant industry. The single location was grown into a chain, quickly expanding across California and then throughout the US, west of the Mississippi, with expansive real estate secured for every dining space. In a 2011 interview with Palm Springs Life, Platt, a classic rock fanatic, claims to have personally curated the playlist for the restaurant chain's in-house music for 15 years. That streak would end in 2012, when he sold his chain to Goliath Restaurant Group Darden, owners of the Olive Garden and Longhorn Steakhouse, for $585 million.

Now that's large. Also large, the place where he enjoys his retirement, a 98-foot yacht named Your Beer Money. This week on Doughboys, we kick off Jack Doberfest 2017, a month of sports-themed restaurants with a first-player on our roster, Yard House. Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants' reproduction of Feral Audio.com. I'm Nick Weiger, alongside my co-host, Tom Gravy, the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell. Tom Gravy, like Tom Brady?

Yeah, it's a bit of a strained pun off of Tom Brady, look. I picked that one because it was sports-themed, and it was related to the New England Patriots, because we are in a theme month, but also this one was courtesy of David Mim, and on our last podcast, which was the live episode, this was the guy who was Guy Fieri at our Now Hear This Show. Oh yeah, that guy. He showed up in Guy Fieri Cosplay. Madman Mim, yeah.

Madman Mim. Boy, the cans are hot, coming in hot in our cans. In your headphones? No, it's hot in my cans. Oh, maybe you got turned up and not me. I think it's not just me, I think it's my overall volume. Our engineer is coming in here to make some adjustments. Our guest is actually trying to make an adjustment here.

This is very nice. Oh, you know what? I think you hit it a little bit. Now I could maybe split the difference, come up a little bit. Boy, this is great. This is working out. But thumbs up, thank you so much. My cans are great.

We got a podcasting pro as a guest, and he just sort of stepped in and saved the show, I think. Mm-hmm. He never should have done that. No. I feel very bad. He didn't have to do anything like that. He should have command quit Pro Tools and deleted this episode.

Mitch, how are you feeling? We're in Jock Doberfest. It's the first Jock Doberfest. The month of sports-themed chain restaurants, a little bit strained. I'm now embarrassed saying this in front of our guest again. Yes, it is. Not as strained as Tom Gravy. Yeah, that's fair.

But I guess it is strained. Oh, by the way, if you have an insult, you like me as I'm Mitch at the top of the show, roastspoonman at gmail.com is the address. Jock Doberfest. Jock Doberfest. I have a little sports-themed drop, too, which I haven't listened to yet. Anyways, howdy-ho to Spoon Nation, sorry, to our guest. Quincy was 91% white.

I missed that place. I like President Trump. Not true. What was that context? White American. Oh, God. White American. Oh, boy.

Well, that's embarrassing to you. Yeah. That really backfired you not prescreening any of these, but that one in particular. Yeah, no, that was embarrassing. Was that sent in by a listener? That was sent in by a listener. They make fun of me. They call me racist because of Lager.

But that was Luke Courtright. He said, mb3attaction, nobody will want to follow me on Twitter. You're right, Luke, maybe because you're an asshole. The Hulk Hogan of all drops, I guess that means pretty literally. Well, yeah, I am a real American is walkout music. Yeah. Hey, that's a great, you know what? I think that's one of the, Hulk Hogan has a spotted record at this point, for sure.

But I think that that is one of the legendary wrestler walkout music, right? Yeah, no, I think so. I like Stone Cold's glass breaking. Yeah, Stone Cold's is great. I mean, Rick Flair's, the Spruck Zarathustra, right? I guess that is the name. Jesus, yeah. Nick, I saw you, you're using some floss in the bathroom.

Yes. Jock Doberfest is off to a sticky start for you. Hey, you know, I'm a real jock. I keep flossing my car. No, we had it. To what, Garrett? People? Yeah.

No, we got a little something in the chain wrestling that got stuck between my teeth. I had some floss, you know, tip for anyone out there. Mm-hmm. Keep some floss in your car. Keep some floss in your desk drawer at work if you got a desk job. And then if you have any sort of situation where you have a meal out and you get something stuck between your teeth, you're ready to go. God, you sound like a boring dentist.

Is it just like a string of floss? No, just keep like a container, like a travel. Yeah. Yeah, just some loose floss in there. Look, I'm a- The threads of your shirt. I'm a Boy Scout. Be prepared.

Hey, you know, let's introduce our guest. One of the founding members of the Upright Citizens Brigade and the host of the great podcast, Improv for Humans, Matt Besser is back. Welcome back, Besser. Thanks, guys. Thanks for taking me to dinner. It was fun. Yeah, thank you for being here.

What a treat to have you here. We saw a good game, too. We did. We saw a good football game. Surprisingly. Which actually maybe who knows what's happened with it. There was no- I do know what happened.

Do you? Oh, really? Yes. Is it good? San Francisco lost. What? Wow. Is that true?

Yeah. Really? Yeah. LA held tight on D at the end. Man. Oh, all right. This is exciting for your listeners. Oh, wait.

In my mind, spoiler alert for our listeners who made out of watching an NFL game from two weeks ago. And also, I was wrong in that I was thinking San Francisco, I got it, I was confused. They were down by two. They were down by two. But they recovered an on-side kick, right? They did. Oh, well, I'm sorry, listeners, I shouldn't have brought that up.

This is actually maybe some of the best content we've ever had. This is what Jack Doberfest is all about. We're talking a little sports. We're going to kind of foggly recap football team, football games, that we half-watched at a chain restaurant from several weeks in the past. Nick is famously against football. I oppose the NFL now. CTE, Chronic Traumatics, Encephalopathy, people, players' brains are being destroyed.

I feel like I understand people are fans of the game, but I have a hard time personally watching it. It makes me... But now that everyone, I agree how fucked up that is in the history of it. But now that they're all aware, now that everybody's aware, is it any different than a skateboarder doing something really fucked up that's dangerous? No, I do understand that argument, but for me, the culture of it is, okay, we as Americans are rooting on something that is very obviously a blood sport, and then also encouraging future

generations to be like, hey, go ahead and play this in middle school, play this in high school, play this in college, and possibly endanger your health when you could be doing some of the athletic endeavor if you're a talented athlete, that's maybe a little bit less ruinous to your brain. The numbers have gone down drastically. Have they really? I'm not sure if you're following that. No, I haven't been.

In like the element, all that you just said, all those numbers are going down. Oh, I thought you were talking about the number of concussions. You're saying like the number of people, number of young people playing sports, playing football. Kids signing up for football. Interesting. Yeah, just the last couple of years. So it's definitely parents at least are saying, uh-uh, not my kid. Right.

I wish I was more of a thing when I was... So then it's becoming a class thing, which is maybe the problem. But that actually is another issue, yeah. Yeah. Sorry, man. But for a lot of people, I feel like that, for a lot of people, that can be an out. Any kind of a sport and being good at a sport can be a way out to a better life. Yeah, I got Aaron Hernandez out of the game.

Oh boy, not in time. Not in time. Aaron, you know at the Patriots, we don't condone what Aaron Hernandez did. Just what President Trump did. No. I don't like... What the fuck, Weiger? You said at some point, I like President Trump.

That was... It was completely... I was being sarcastic when I said it. It was a couple... Stammering like a liar. Uh, Besser, you're a sport, and I'm not sure if a lot of people know this, but you're a big time sport, you follow sports. I know that you're a fan of the Arkansas teams.

Yeah, the Razorbacks. Yeah. Beyond the college sports, are there any teams in particular you follow, any sports you follow with particular dedication? Yeah, I have a sad list of teams, but it shows how loyal I am as a fan, I think. But the Nets, the Jets... Oh yeah. Oh my God.

I forgot you were Nets fans. So, I'm literally at the bottom of the barrel in the two biggest professional sports. I think both those teams are, at this point, the worst team in the league, Nets and the Jets. The Jets are certainly not great. I don't know who knows, maybe they're not the worst, but at least. But anyway, a more Razorback college basketball and football guy. Have you ever thought about rooting for other teams or no?

Is that like... Now, you know, I was all for these LA teams now moving here and me possibly jumping on ship, and I think it's okay too when you jump on ship on a shitty ship. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I hate people who don't live in Massachusetts or Boston and they're Patriots fans. Right. Like, get the fuck off that bandwagon.

You came with that? Yeah. You're from Montana and you're a Patriots fan? How's that work? Yeah. Or worse, you're from Seattle and you're a Patriots fan. Yeah. To be fair.

You hear it all the time. I don't like those people either. I like... I only like Massachusetts Patriots, and specifically almost within like a 15-mile radius of Boston. All those Berkshire Patriots fans? No way. No way. No thank you.

See, you don't like like the Connecticut, the New Hampshire, the New England fans who claim the New England Patriots is their own. Yeah, no. Oh, I think that's fair. I like people from Boston now. What else are they going to do? What's Rhode Island going to do? Right.

I don't know. Watch whatever... What do you do, Wager, when you don't watch football? What do... Wait, what do I do at the time when I don't... Yeah, you play like Animal Farm or what do you play? You play... Animal Farm.

Animal Crossing. It's the adaptation of the George Orwell novel. It's an... Animal is most equal. No, I play... What was the Animal Crossing type of game? Which Animal Crossing is good? I was playing Stardew Valley for a while.

Yeah, you played Stardew Valley. I played Stardew Valley pretty obsessively, and then I moved over to Zelda, and I was playing Zelda pretty obsessively. I finished Zelda. I don't think... I haven't gotten all the shrines, but I finished the main quest. You're not a sport, oh, huh? I'm a big sport, oh.

What are you talking about? I'm a Major League sport, oh. You're a Major League sport, oh. You like baseballs, aren't you saying? No, I'm here, I'm a national basketball sport, oh. I follow just the NBA, but I follow the NBA pretty closely. What's that? Which team?

I'm a Lakers fan. I grew up in Southern California. Oh. Yeah, well, that's the thing. Patriots of basketball. Right, this is the thing. I admit that it's easy to be a Lakers fan. When I grew up, the Lakers were in the finals, you know, like, it was seven or eight times

during the 80s. It was insane. I was a big fan of titles during the Magic Johnson-Kareem era, so I understand that it's like easy to be. There have been some periods of... You were a fan when they were back in Minnesota, right? Yeah, the Minneapolis, the George Mike in days. That's when I really really looked under the name.

You just got into the team because you liked Lakers. Yeah. You didn't even like basketball. Look at, like, fresh water. That actually does make the most sense to me. No, but I mean, like, I did grow up here, and that was like the team that you followed, and it was like, here's the only thing I will say in my defense. There was a period in the 90s when all of my friends at school were not Lakers fans.

They were Bulls fans because of Michael Jordan. Wow. That's weak. And yeah, and I thought it was very weak, and so it was just me and like a handful of friends, and then everyone else was like, Jordan, Jordan! And I thought that was a bunch of bullshit. The Losers' Club. I moved to Chicago the year they started winning championships, and I wasn't even really into

NBA basketball at all at that point. And Jordan got the world in the basketball. Like he got people who weren't in the basketball in the basketball, and he got me in the basketball. So it's such a pleasure to step right into a championship team and not feel bad about it. Right. But wait, so, but what, like, someone who, you know, you're from, from Little Rock, you go to, you moved to Chicago, what drew you to the Nets, who at one point played in New

Jersey, now playing Brooklyn? Well, when I moved to, thanks for asking, because these are the type of questions I love to answer, but who's asking this question? It's Jacques Dobrefest. It's Jacques Dobrefest. That's true. When I moved to New York from Chicago, this isn't a time where you couldn't just turn on satellite and get any NBA team you wanted.

Right. So you had to, if you wanted to watch your team, it had to be the local team, right? So even when I went, I was in Chicago throughout all the six championships, I'm pretty sure. And then I moved pretty much right after them. And I hated the Nicks, because if you liked the Bulls, you had to hate the Nicks. So when I moved to New York, I couldn't jump on that. And Sam Cassell, Jason Williams, if you remember that guy, the guy who shot the guy, J-J-A-Y-S-O-N Williams, not the other Jason Williams.

And who else was on that team? Kerry Kittles. Oh, yeah. There was a lot of entertainment, especially Sam Cassell was always really funny. Oh, man. I ended up hating that Nets team, because they got very good. Yeah, they played the Lakers in the finals, actually. 2002, yeah.

And so I felt good jumping on that bandwagon, because they were shitty, and they kind of got good as I was there. Because I got to see that team get kind of good, and then Jason Kitt joined them, and they got really good. So I guess that's my theory, is you can jump on a bandwagon, or I guess it's a bandwagon once they're good. You can jump on a team if they suck. I like that.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And a lot of people will be like, hey, man, you were a Bulls fan for all those years. Because it's like, well, I can't watch the Bulls anymore, so how can I be a fan? Right. Yeah. It is weird to think back on that pre-League Pass era, where you were just like beholden to whatever your local network was.

I mean, for a lot of people, if you don't have a League Pass subscription or a game, that is still the case. It's hard enough to watch sports out here as it is, I feel like. Just because the baseball is, I feel so hard to watch on the West Coast. 4 p.m. games all the time for me. I can't just watch a game at 4 p.m. Well, the game we were talking about earlier, the Rams Niners game, but it's sort of like 530 Pacific.

And so people are still at work. And if you look at pictures of the stadium at kickoff, the stadium is at a quarter capacity. No one's there. No one's going to this game. And it's just like, yeah, that's the thing on the West Coast is that it's nice because the latest that a game will end will be 10 p.m., 11 p.m., so it's not like the East Coast where you have to stay up until 2 a.m. to watch the West Coast games. But things are sometimes starting a little too early for you to watch it if you're still

at work. Yeah. 10 a.m. start to football games is funny. Yeah, that's weird. It's like, whatever. I just go over to the couch and watch it. I mean, I'm an early riser, but yeah. I know you're an early riser.

Me too. I love it, dude. Do you like the 10 a.m. games? Well, I got a kid. I'm up at like 6 a.m. or something. But I love rolling into those games. It's 10 a.m. That's awesome.

Yeah. Maybe I'm too lazy. I mean, I get up at 10 a.m. now. I'm an adult. I get up at 10 a.m. I feel like I'm in an adult time to get up unless you're working like the swing shift is a little early at 10 a.m. All right, whatever.

Moving on. Thank you. I got to ask you a question. So would you define yourself more of as jock or more as a nerd? I think, look, here's the question. No one in this room is a jock. Let's be honest, fine. None of us are jocks, but I would say...

I could hang with the jocks. Yeah, I could hang with the jocks too. You think I can't hang with the jocks? You could hang from your underwear with the jocks. No. Wow. Wow. I can code switch.

I can hang with the jocks. Code switch? Absolutely. I'll tell you this and I prove it to my wife all the time. You guys know this. I have a Jets hat or a Razorback hat or a shirt or many Razorback items on and I'll use that and what other people are wearing to start conversations with strangers all the time. Right.

In line at Starbucks, at the airport, I do it all the time and it doesn't have to be a Razorback fan. You know, it's an Aggie and I'll just call them out at the airport. We're getting you guys this year, you know, and sometimes it's taunting, but usually it's good natured and it's a great social way to talk to people. I agree with that. Absolutely. I get a lot of stuff because of my Patriots hat.

Sometimes it's bad actually. A lot of the times it's bad, but it is a great way to connect, Nick. What do you get from wearing your Doughboy shirt around? People are like, are you on your own shirt? That is kind of what I do get asked. Are you wearing your own shirt? They'll be like, what's Rock Lobster Fest? Or soon they'll say, what's Jock Doberfest?

Oh, are we going to make Jock Doberfest shirts? No, but if we did, that's what they'd say. Nick, I was asking you this because if you can fit in with jocks, I just wanted to bring something up that I've been wanting to bring up for a while. Wow. Nick, for one full year, you spoke in a different voice. Okay. What?

I don't know where you got to sit in this intel. Like a dialect? I had a phase in eighth grade where I overcommitted to a bit, and I talked in a different voice for a whole year. For a whole year? For the entire school year, yeah. Your wife Natalie told me this in New York, and she said, embarrass him in front of people. I like it when he's embarrassed.

I said, Natalie, Jesus. She said that for a full entire year, you spoke in a different voice. Yeah, I made the decision. I think it was the first week of class, I answered a question in kind of a funny voice, and then people laughed at it, and I'm just going to run with this, and then I just did it for the whole year, and then it became a thing where... Did people beg you to stop? No, there was an ongoing thing where people would be like, oh, he's faking it, and then

other people were like, oh, no, it's real. He never doesn't do it, and then some people were like, you shouldn't be talking about that. He's sick. That's how he talks now. Did you call a friend of yours on the phone and maintain that voice? Yeah, so here's what would happen, because this was pre-cell phone days, so someone would call the house, and I would talk normally to my family, so someone would call the house. Oh, well, that's good.

Your dad would kick your ass. No, you're sorry. It's some weird voice all the time. So someone would call, and I'd... Daddy! Yeah. What was the voice? Let's hear it.

Yeah, I do want to hear the voice. I honestly haven't done it since I was 13, but here's how it would work if someone called the house, and I'd answer my normal voice, I'd be like, hello, and they'd be like, hey, is Nick there? And they'd be like, oh, yeah, just one second, and sort of pretend that I was my own brother, and then they'd come back, and they'd be like, hello, this is Nick. Oh, my God. It's a weird sort of serial killer voice.

Like I was distorting my voice for ransom. How old are you? 13. Like 12, 13. I think I was 12 and 18. So you weren't concerned with girls at all, obviously. Well, that was even in my game plan. That was a good decade off.

No, I'd weirdly had some success. Wow. Whoa. Slipping in a jam. I'd weirdly had some success with girls, I mean not women, not adult women, but I'd weirdly had some success with girls my age in middle school because I was a cute, non-threatening boy. I was just like, oh, like, oh, like, I like, you know, like that wasn't an issue for me,

but the voice I don't think helped. I don't think the voice brought additional women or additional girls into my circle. I would think that would turn off all girls and most guys. I don't know, it was weird. I was also into metal, so I think people thought it was kind of metal. Oh, my fucking God. But I met a friend that went to London for like three weeks and came back with a British accent for a good six months.

Oh, man. He got harassed mercilessly. There's only some people who, like, speak in like a faux British accent. I feel like that's one that, like, for whatever reason, people just, yeah, the people, why does that happen? Well, you know, here's one thing, and bitch, what we're talking about are each other's voices. Here's one thing I'd say.

When your Boston friends were in town, lovely people, I like your friends more than you, but you sound a little bit more Bostonian when you're around your... Yeah, but that's different than pretending to have a voice like this for an entire year. I agree. I'm not drawing equivalency, but I'm saying that there is something to just, like, you know, whatever you're around can affect you. No! This is different.

It's the same. My accent came back when I had a couple beers and was around my Boston friends. You talked weird for a whole year. Yeah, but I was 13 or 12. Like, I was in eighth grade. You're an adult man. And any event... What does that mean?

An event that says nothing to do with jocktoberfest, Mitch, or wildly huff-topic. I'm saying that maybe you use that to fit in with the jocks. You can talk like a jock. Right, right. But you want it to. What's a jock tonk like? Kind of like this. These days with fantasy football, when I watch those fantasy football shows, those guys are

such fucking dorks, like they're so far what you would think the jock football fan is. It's given a whole new meaning to fan of football. Yeah, like analytics has made it so that you can be a sports fan and be like a total poindexter. Like you're like a guy like me and I could basically be the same guy I am and just have like a fantasy basketball podcast and just talk in very like, you know, ornate terms about P-E-R or whatever. Because that's just like, that's a different sector of sports fandom now. I actually, I'm kind of annoyed that we missed that boat.

I feel like we were still in the, Nick, you and I were probably still in the same group of we got, like there were jocks who like made fun of nerds. Right. And then the nerd takeover hadn't happened when I was like, even still in college, I feel like. Yeah. But now that change has come. I mentioned it before, but it's like there was a period when Nintendo was no friendo.

And that was like video games work on. Now everyone plays video games. But then there was a period was like, like, what's up, dorking a jack off to Star Wars? You know, it was like, but now like Star Wars is like, oh, that's just a thing that everyone likes. Comic books are a thing that everyone likes. I wore my Zelda Ocarina of Time t-shirt that I got with the game to gym class and I got made fun of very, very much for wearing that shirt.

I thought it was funny to wear it and I got made fun of for wearing, it's one of the best games of all time. Ocarina of Time is great. I would. Who's laughing now? No one, but. No one listening to this podcast. No, no voice fans am I am I I don't think I ever told this, but I would skip you could

skip gym class and at high school in high school. And I had and so at the end of the year, like however many gyms you had, you had to make them up. And so there would be like an extra week basically of gym where you just you were going to school every day just to go to gym to make up all these missed gym classes. And so I had missed like 50 or something like I just didn't go, but I was like leaving school anyways. And so I went down there and this guy, Mr. Tag Leary, coach Tag Leary, who I didn't love

back then. He seems like a nice enough guy now. But the first day I met him, he said that I would never be as good of a man as my dad is. Really? Isn't that crazy? That's intense. I couldn't like climb the rope.

I was like, I was kind of like a like a little weakling. That's tough. That's like something my dad would say to me. Your dad would just say that to you himself? Yeah. He said that to me in the like literally almost in those terms. And I remember it stuck with me because it was I was like, why did this man say this to me?

And like it was like a thing that stuck with me forever. And so you'll never understand fast food. And you're like, I'll prove this motherfucker wrong. Yeah, I know fast food better than my dad. No, twice the knowledge of fast food that my dad had. I said man in general, no, I'll know all about fast food. So I immediately didn't, I didn't like this guy that much and then I couldn't climb the rope.

And I was like very, and so he was my, he was my middle school teacher. Then he went to my high school and became the high school gym teacher. And I had like 50 gyms. He's like, I'll like, I'll, I'll, I'll give you like, I'll make you a deal. If you can run a mile. And that was like all, it was me and like three friends. And he's like, if you can run a mile and under, I think it was either eight minutes, it might have been seven minutes, which is fast under seven minutes.

Eight is, because I knew I did a seven something mile. Yeah. So eight's reasonable. It was, it was, so it was under eight minutes, I think, because that, that just sounds right. So it was like me and like three other guys, Quincy guys that, that needed to make up gyms, gym classes and all of them finished and it was on me. And if not everyone did it, then, then we would have to do the gyms or whatever. That's a lot of pressure.

And so I was running this mile and then literally like chanked in and some of my friends came up behind me and started pushing me. And they like, that doesn't make you fast. It wasn't helping at all. Yeah. And they were pushing me, trying to make me go faster to run this mile faster. They were like running behind me, like pushing me, like yelling at me to try to like, to, to, to finish the mile in under eight minutes.

And I did it. Wow. And then I went into the bathroom. I like almost threw up and it was the most embarrassing thing because school was still in session. Right. And my last impression on high school was like these other guys like pushing the fat guy, trying to make him right across the finish line in under eight minutes.

They really, so that's my, that's my jock story. Here's my running a mile story. I ran the eight 80. We're talking yards in junior high and I was good and I was better than anyone in my age group in the first meet. And someone from the older age group or like the, whatever the age group was above us didn't field enough people for the mile. So the coach comes up to me and he's like, you did great in the eight 80.

Do you want to run the mile? I'd never run it before, but I just done great and I was all cocky. So he's like, do you want to run it? And I'm like, yeah, I'll do that. And like the same meet the same day. I can't remember. Okay. It probably was a different one because that sounds crazy to do the same day.

But I guess I'd done well. So try the mile. Um, but once again, I'd never even tried it right in practice. And what happened was, you know, the, the gun goes off or the whistle or whatever. I start just running as fast as I can. Like I'm not used to pacing myself. Like for the eight 80, you don't really need to pace yourself and I'm pretty much not sprinting but running pretty fast way ahead of everybody else and they're all older than me.

So I'm in my head thinking, holy shit, I am great at track. I'm like a quarter of the track ahead of these fucking guys. And I'm like, they're all a year too older than me and I'm small. I'm looking at my dad up in the stands. I'm like, I'm really good at track on the first, I think it was four times around the track was a mile. And of course, you see, this is going like after two laps, I'm done. I cannot, they're all passing me.

I can barely run it all by the end. I'm fucking, you know, just barely loping in at the end and I go to the middle of track and I puke in front of everybody. Oh my God. Wow. Man, that's like, that's like a, that's like a teenage comedy moment. That's insane to puke in front of like the entire, everyone who's gathered there. And also anyone who knew anything as soon as I started running so fast was like going,

slow down, what are you doing? And I'm sitting there like, you know, I'm a champ. Look at me. Look how fucking fast I am. Nick, do you have any running stories? Well, here's the thing. I was running from crime scenes. Oh boy.

Here's the thing. I was racking my brain a little bit thinking about that, well, because you guys were talking about it. I realized, because I have run, I ran like the LA Marathon and I ran, yeah, but this was years ago. That's impressive. Yeah. And I used to run half marathons.

I used to run like 5Ks, 10Ks. And, but I like, I don't, none of them were ever, I didn't have any interesting stories there. Like none of it, it was always just like, I like, I ran and I didn't pace myself well and my feet hurt and like nothing particularly notable happened. Yeah. But I did, I do have a puke story. This is a, this is a, so it was one of those things where I'd like went to a college party

and we were, and it was like, I hadn't had dinner yet. And so I just started drinking beers and like, you know, you just drink on an empty stomach. I'd normally have pretty decent alcohol tolerance, but I just have no food in my body. This is a college puke story? It's a college puke story. I mean, you know, it's kind of a, it's kind of like a, like this is something Jocks would do. Jocks would go and drink a bunch of a party.

So like I drank like probably like five beers on an empty stomach. Oh yeah. Jocks usually drink five beers and puke. Well, this is the thing. I had no food in my body. Give me a break. I'm a, I'm a wiry guy. And so this is my wiry face.

And so I, I had, I had like five beers, no food. And then I was like stumbling back from these, these were like the sweets that were on the other side of the campus from my dorm. So I was like sort of, sort of stumbling back. And as I was walking back, I, like this car pulled up to a stoplight and it was like full of bros and this guy looked over at me and I made eye contact with him and like kind of gave him a look and then immediately involuntarily just like puked, like as like projectile puke.

And it like, there was like a little bit of a wind so it like flew out of the side of my mouth like super fast. I was like, and then it like flew that way and like into some bushes and I just remember this guy's face like looking like he was just like, oh, what the, he had the most horrified face I've ever seen. It was like I just like caught fire and he just witnessed or I just like shown him like stigmata, you know, and, and he was just, he was like, he was just like horrified. I'm dropping out.

Yeah. Yeah. So is that you, that's the day you became king of the campus. Yeah. Right. Um, I, I, I told my dad when he was, this is sad, but I remember I told my dad when he was sick, I was like, I'm going to run like the marathon for you. And then I remember like summer rolled around, like it was like, or because the marathon

is in April or something. So like the Boston marathon, the Boston marathon, you have to qualify for that too. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, it wasn't going to happen. That's crazy. The marathon for my dad and I remember like that, like, I think like the last spring or something being like, it's clear.

I'm not going to run the marathon for you and, and, and, and he could tell maybe at least in his mind, he's passed away, but maybe he thought that I would do it one day. Right. Maybe I will. Yeah. You still have time. Yeah. Make it happen.

A year or two left. Right. Yeah. You don't have time to become better than your dad. Definitely not. Yeah. No way. He would, he would actually probably commit to something like that.

Um, hey, maybe there's one in heaven or something. I'll run up there for him up there. I don't know. I'm not going to do the earth one. Definitely not one in heaven because you can do whatever you want. There'd be no challenge. Yeah. There's no, there's no, nothing impressive about that.

Oh, I ran the marathon. Oh yeah. We can all run as fast as we can up here and not run out of breath. Big deal. Well, whatever. I failed them. What do you want me to do? You know what?

I should have walked up. I never should have said I would. I should have said like a half. I should have said a 5k or something. Yeah. Realistic. Yeah. Or just not, I mean, not like you should have, you know, also walk it at some place.

There you go. Yeah. You know what? Maybe I'm going to walk the marathon someday. You know what? Maybe you can observe the marathon someday. That is true. About a marathon of eating food.

There you go. I've done that. We've already done that. You did a 5k tonight. Let's talk food service a little bit, because Matt, you were telling us when we were at dinner, and this is something I knew about you, but I'd never actually asked you about it. But you used to work at a theme restaurant called Dick's Last Resort.

And this was a restaurant where, well, I mean, you can tell people the gimmick. I think a lot of our listeners already know what this is. I don't even know if they have any left. I think it started out in Dallas. But it's a place like Ed DeBevix, a little more popular version of it, where they're all jokesters in there and wear like a rainbow, you know, suspenders and shit. But Dick's is a little more adult. Like you wouldn't bring your kids there where you might to Ed DeBevix, because it's more

about getting drunk, I think. But anyway, I was the host, and I was too much of an asshole to be a waiter. I knew that. I'd already struck out trying to be a waiter, but I was like, I can deal with being a host. And it doesn't pay much. You don't get tips, so it's an easy job to get. So I worked at Ed DeBevix, or Dick's Last Resort, and I got fired for being too rude to the customers.

I took it too far, because some guys would come in and insult you before you insulted them, or go back at you really hard, harder than you could go at them, because you couldn't curse and stuff, or get really mean. And one night, we've all been there where you're like, the next guy, I'm going to go off, and that'll get me fired, or I'm going to quit. And I just really laid into him after he laid into me, at like a really, really mean and like start a fight out on the street kind of mean. And got fired.

Did you really say this to our customer? Yeah. Okay. Well, you're no longer working. And then I went to Carnegie Deller right after that in Chicago as well, because I'd heard the same thing. Yeah, they like you to be kind of salty there. Right.

And I'm like, all right, this sounds like my kind of job. And my friends from college who I didn't connect with, you know, that often would like see me like two years later, when I was way past this, they go, hey, I hear you work in a rude bar in Chicago. That's how the word got around. Professor works in a rude bar. The theme's being rude. Like it's like a strip club?

You're a rude boy. Let's go there and get rude. That being too much of a dick for Dick's last resort is the fun. I got fired from both those places. That's so funny. At Carnegie Delling, I was literally the day before I got fired giving out applications to people coming in for my job. Oh my God.

And they didn't even tell me. People were coming in. I hear there's a new host position. I'm like, oh, I didn't know that. Here you go. Here's an application. Jesus. The next day.

Matt, you were my favorite. I called you Professor Besser, which I think got you. We went to this last time. Go ahead. We're not going to talk about that sketch I didn't like. No, no, no. We want to talk about sketches that you didn't like, because I think that's probably most of my sketches.

Besides being such a funny man and performer, you were one of my favorite sketch teachers of all time. And I feel like someone who I learned the most from, do you know that students can be afraid of you? Do you know of that? Yeah, I know about that. Okay. All right.

Who's a friend? Do you know about this, Matt? And I was, because that's, Have you seen my sketch series inside the master class? And that Armin is so funny. I love it. Did you hear my last Armin episode? He mentioned you on it.

I know. He mentioned the Doughboys. Yeah. Wow. Oh, that's right. I forgot. We talked about the Doughboys in particular. No, I loved inside that.

How he's banned from it. And he's not banned. And Armin's not banned from the Doughboys. That's just like that. He said the fans, a lot of them are upset with him. Yeah. Armin might be banned. He's not banned from the Doughboys?

Maybe banned. No, he's not. We'll see. Have a vote. Yeah. Fine. What's the hashtag for a vote, Nick? Hashtag, hashtag Armin for all seasons.

If you want him to come back. Armin for all seasons. I remember that. Or if you want him to stay away, hashtag Farmin. Farmin? Like you want him to stay far away. How about arm in or arm out? Oh, that's better.

That's easier. Hashtag Armin, hashtag Armin. But Armin, you mean like with an eye, not with a knee. Yeah. Arm in, hashtag Arm out. Yeah. Hashtag Armin. I did a hard knocks parody with him.

Yes. We were just cutting it from the team. He texted me and said, what's hard knocks? Are you fucking kidding me? He did. How does he not know what hard knocks is? I don't know. You've met him.

Armin. Right. He's a loopy man. God bless him. Yes. I like to lean into that character, in other words. Yeah. I think that it works.

I think that there's some people, like me, I'm a stuttery man. Right. So I feel like in your class, I probably would fall over. Like now, basically would fall over my words quite a bit. The lesson I get your listeners, I wouldn't go, stop stammering and spit out. No. Although, you did on the first day of class, I think Bessar did say, you'll never be the man your father was.

He knew how to really punch up a scene. You know what? When to end it too. I also, why am I mad about that, Tag Leary was right. I shouldn't be upset with him. He was spot on. I'll tell you this, I'll tell you this, for better or for worse, about that note on me. That's what I appreciated in Dell as a teacher, because by the time I reached Dell Close,

in the improv world in Chicago, I'd gone through a lot of touchy-feely. Sure. Improv teachers, some literally like, let's start out the class with a hug, or, and then some more abstractly, basically all improv is good, there are no mistakes, there are no rules. He just hated that sensibility, and when we got to Dell, it was just no bullshit. He just said exactly what was on his mind. He wasn't mean.

People would say, like all the rumors I've heard about, I'm like, well, I never experienced that. Like, if it's mean to tell someone the absolute truth, then he was mean, but I never took it that way. Sure. He wasn't mean like, sometimes I can be a bully or something, like that to me is being mean. Yeah.

I aimed for that when we started teaching classes, because I was like, I know Amy and Walsh aren't going to be that way, and I know Ian's going to be more towards that way, but I'm just going to try to emulate that. I'm going to try to do that, you know? Not necessarily, I wasn't trying to be the genius that was Dell, but I was trying to be the straight shooter, I guess, that Dell was. And then leaned into that, because I felt like, well, that's my role. Like, other people can be the nurturing, and I'll be the guy that says, come on, let's

do it. I don't think that's funny. Let's try to do it. Let's find a way to do it better. Right. Well, it was the best class I ever had. Yeah. Even though I was scared.

Stop it, Mike. That's the truth, but I got a question for you. Okay. Dell coaches Nick and I, who does he like better? He always would like someone who brought the most unique truth. Sounds like me so far. He would often not go for the best improviser necessarily. Still sounds like you.

One guy was a guard at a prison, or no, he was a janitor at a prison, that's what it was. And it wasn't a great improviser at all, but he had life experience, interesting stories, and whereas the rest of us, our life experience was how many Money Python episodes we'd watch. And there was so much of that. So he just got a real authentic person that had lived life and went to be their own drummer. That was the person he always would gravitate to. And much to your chagrin, like you think you do a good scene, and then there's this

woman, Melanie, who was just a nut. She was like a performance artist. When he died, she ate the ashes of his bones with the spoon. Wow. Oh my God. That was a real weirdo, but it couldn't improvise. It was like having a performance artist in your improv group. But every time he'd go, you know, Melanie, finally is trying to do something different

up here. And you'd be like, what? She's just like a fucking insane person. That would always kind of keep you on your toes as soon as you thought like, I'm doing everything he's saying and being the perfect improviser, you'd find a way to like, you're still half of what you should be, Mike Mitchell. Oh man. That would probably get to Nick.

And by the way, Nick, I will eat the ashes of your bones when you pass away. You think you're going to outlive me? Wow. That should be the Doe Boy challenge. You could give me a bone before you die. Okay. Yeah. We can work that out.

Ring finger or something. Yeah. Something like that. Bessar, I was going to ask you, Nick has quit improv. He's retired from improv. What do you think of that? I think it's weird if it's just for the rest of my life kind of statement. I could see how you're like, I'm bored with it now.

Yeah. I mean, I understand you getting rid of football more. Yeah. I mean, like for me, I just sort of like, I felt like I, there was a time when I enjoyed doing it and then there was that time passed and I felt like I was just doing it to keep doing it. And so I stopped doing it and then I didn't miss it. And so for me, that's like, I tend not to return to something when I'm done with it.

We'll see. But what are you going to do live on stage besides maybe the podcast? Like it's hard to, you can't pick up doing sketch casually, whereas you can with improv. I guess I don't really... I'm going to make them come out of retirement. That's what I'm trying to do. I don't have much of an urge to get on stage. Like I don't get, I don't feel like a craving to beat for stage time.

And I really, like it was honestly like later when I was doing, when I was performing for Wilderness, I realized like, oh, this isn't the part of the outlet that I like. Like what I like... Do you ever like doing anything? That's the question that I... It's a good question. Because I don't think you like this podcast, rightfully so. No, I don't like this podcast.

I think, no, I like, there are things I enjoy, there are certain things I enjoy. I don't know. Like I think like in terms of, you know, the kind of the sketch and improv world, I realize what I liked about it is that it's like an outlet for me to get ideas out. And I realized that was something that I could be, I had more fun like writing things than actually like bringing them to life. I always felt like, oh, I could write something and then get someone better than me to act in this.

You know what I mean? And that's when I was always like, oh, I'll make a video, I'll write and direct and edit this video, but then I'll get someone who's a better actor than me to be on camera. I'm addicted to it for sure. I mean, no lie. Right. And when I came out here... So Chicago, I did it every week for years, at least probably twice a week, if not three

to four times a week. Then we moved to New York, we were definitely doing it at least twice a week. And then I moved out to L.A. before the theater was out here and I did I.O. for a while and I wasn't happy doing their show, so I just stopped doing it and it was a bummer. My life was a little bit of a bummer for a while. And when we started the theater back up, it definitely perked up my life outlook. Right. It's funny to me because you know that like a part of us doing this, the birthday boys

don't do shows anymore. And this is kind of an outlet for both of us. We talked about the podcast, but I still do improv and I do it quite, not a ton, but I do it quite a bit and I miss it and I like getting up there and doing it. And the thing is, is that when I saw you, when I first saw you, you were great. One of the reasons that early on, last day of school, you guys were all very funny. I'm out improving. God bless you.

And it was the thing that inspired, I feel like me and a bunch of other young people that it could be funny and good, you know, ask that and you guys and a bunch of other teams. But so I think you should get out. I think you should come back at some point. There's been, hey, there's been sports figures who've come out of retirement. Yeah. That doesn't work out.

Mayweather. Right. I guess he's just now retired. There's something. March on Lynch. March on Lynch. It's working out so far. I don't know.

You are of the beast mode of improv. You are like the beast mode of improv. I don't know. I feel like the, like what? Like you said, the Jordan wizards days and I'd like, I was never the Jordan of improv, but that was not like a, that was, that was sort of like the, the salad days, those weren't the great part of his career. That was the kind of part you were like, oh, you kind of forget about that part.

If you want to think about Michael Jordan as a great NBA player. Have you just been wondering? I think I'm in my wizard, wizard's face. I, I didn't admit to that, but I'm doing it not to necessarily be the best on the floor either, I guess. And I guess Jordan probably felt the same way. He knew he wasn't the best in the league anymore, but he loved basketball. He was addicted to it.

I have a feeling he think, he thought he still was the best on the, I mean, I feel like he's just such an egomaniac. I think he probably. Yeah. He probably thought he was still pretty good. He's still average like 12 points. Adrian Peterson right now. And I think he's going through some real like, God, I used to be the fucking best.

And now I'm lucky to get five runs in a game. That must be really tough on a guy like that. Yeah. But do you think comedy falls off like that? I don't know if comedy, like there's definitely like people, men and women who you see as they get older and you're like, oh, they're not as funny anymore. For sure I've seen. My skills have switched.

Okay. Yeah. I see certain improvisers like, I used to do that kind of thing, but I can't do that anymore. Oh man. But I think I'm more mature in other aspects, you know, and I'm happy with those aspects. But like, I'm like, I can't do that anymore. Or maybe if I really focus, but it is something that's like mental energy that I'm not bringing

to the table every time I do this, Kat. Can I bring this up? My brain has gotten worse. I used to be a very quick person and I used to not have, like I didn't have verbal flubs. I could recall every detail of like a conversation. And now I can't remember like what I did in a day. And like I have trouble recalling like, like a reference that used to just be like on the tip of my tongue 10 years ago, now I just, I can't even remember what, what I was trying

to say. Well, that's the fast food. Both of you guys have slowed down. Right. I'm surprised when your friends have brought this up, or at least I loved one. Oh, they do all the time. Yeah. A lot of people.

It's in all the documentaries about bad food. It's harming your brain. My doctor has told me to stop doing this podcast. Maybe it is the fast food. Has he listened to the podcast? No, but my trainer and my doctor are both like, you got to stop doing that podcast. We don't like this podcast. My doctor said I had fatty liver.

Or I don't have it. I'm on the verge of fatty liver. I don't even know what that means. It's like, if your liver gets all fat, I should have paid more attention to it, but it's like breaking down. I can't do what it usually does because ... Sure. Yeah.

And so, we should, we may end this soon. Yeah. I mean, if I'm taking a moral stand against the NFL for CTE, I should take a stand against this podcast for the same reason. What are you going to do? You're just going to go sit in your Santa Monica house? Hey, man. Life could be worse.

Oh, jeez. Nice. I didn't know what the Santa Monica house is. It's not a house. We have an apartment. Oh, yeah. Sorry. A Santa Monica apartment.

I mean, it's still nice. Yeah. You can still sit in it. Yeah. We can absolutely sit in my apartment. No one knows what it looks like. He's never invited anyone over, Matt. Really?

Not even you? The other dope or anything? I've never even been over there. You would never come over. What do you mean I would never come over? You wouldn't come over. If you said, I'm having like a little, my birthday or which, by the way- I've seen Mike's house on television.

That's true. Your house was on Kimmel. My house is, yeah. And you come over there every week. Yeah, that's true. You wouldn't want me to be over there every week for one, two. I truly don't think you would want me over there. Two, if you like said like, my birthday is like, come over for my birthday, but your

birthday passed a couple of weeks ago. You didn't tell anyone. Yeah. Why would I have people over for my birthday? I was thinking you didn't even tell anyone it was your birthday. I went to learn my house for my birthday. Let me get out of that. We'll take a break.

We'll be back with more No Boys. Welcome back to Doe Boys. We're here with Matt Besser. It's Jock Doberfest. Yardhouse is on the menu this week. A sports bar. Besser, what is your feeling about sports bars? Is this, as a sport, is this an area of interest to you?

Well, I tell you, when I first got into sports, I mean, I played sports my entire childhood and was into it my whole time. Right. But I definitely have been on the other side of the line than the jocks. And I've definitely had my problems with jocks through the years. At college, the baseball team wanted to kick my ass, or a good portion of them did. I was in with the soccer team. We had a party.

I didn't do anything. We had a party at my house, and one of the baseball players got really drunk and threw a towel dispenser out a window of the second floor, and it went through my front windshield of a car. And they didn't tell us, but someone saw this guy do it, and I went up to the guy, and he got paid for my windshield, and he was like, fuck you. So I went and told the dean, and I was like, this guy broke my windshield. So it became about Besser, Nark, don't want the baseball players, and I had a lot of soccer

player friends and basketball. So it was like gangs at college, I was being defended by the soccer. Anyway, I've gone up against with jocks, and then also, I'm connecting tangents here, but also being an Arkansas Razorback fan, in the 90s and early 2000s, when you wanted to see a Razorback game, you're not in Arkansas, how are you going to see it? You got to go to a sports bar, right, that has 20 televisions on showing every single game. Every Saturday, it would be like, or basketball, whatever day it was, I'd have to just call

around, you'd have to call and go, are you showing the Arkansas Georgia game? And also, that was very low on priorities, you know, it was always fucking the Michigan Notre Dame or whatever that kind of thing. So first it was finding the place, and then in New York, going to it, or Chicago where I was. New York had the most vivid memories, because I remember one time I was in the sports bar and it was in the 90s, and this was a famous Razorback game, we were going up against Tennessee, and Tennessee was number one and undefeated, and I don't even know if we're ranked, but

we're definitely not as high up as Tennessee, and I went to the sports bar and it was filled with Tennessee volunteer fans, it was all orange and white in there. I go in there, I'm the only Razorback I can see, and I'm fully expecting for us to lose this game because they're number one. Dude, we start a win in this game, and it's one of those things where it's like we're winning and then it's going back and forth and we're winning, and I'm shutting up, I'm just in the back not saying anything the whole game, and now it's in the fourth quarter, and it looks like we're going to win, and now I'm getting louder and louder and rooting

louder and louder and people are turning around, and they're all getting more and more pissed as the game goes along because they're full expecting and they're starting to notice this fucking hog fan in the back, and I'm getting drunk or two. And eventually we're down to the final minutes and we're going to win. Now I'm pacing around, I'm walking in front of the big TV, I'm saying Wu Pig Suey, I'm just throwing the face of this entire crowd. I wish I could recount the moment better, but our center snaps the ball and we have full, I think all we need to do is just drive and keep control for the rest of the game.

Right. The ball gets snapped over our quarterback's head, like a total freak thing, and it was like me going, yeah, yeah, we're walking in, no problem. Oh my God, one of those kind of like, oh, what the fuck's happening? And it just switched the whole, they got possession, they scored, they went ahead, it went from me heckling like, you know, 50 patrons of a sports bar to everyone in unison just screaming at me, yelling, mocking, telling me to get the fuck out of the bar. But I've always enjoyed that because I never see other Razorback fans anywhere I'd go. You tell me what Wu Pig Suey meant, I didn't know what that meant. I got not like a big

college sports fan, and so I learned that from you, Wu Pig Suey from you. It's probably the greatest thing I ever taught you. But there was a lot of great stuff. And that was the thing you would just say in your day-to-day life. Yes, I would walk around and say, Wu Pig Suey, that's what you're trying to say? You taught me how that's, you call in the mailman. But I've been through my life, through several sports bars, looking for the Razorbacks and heckling and getting into it with other teams, because a lot of times you just kind of do it in a good nature kind of way. But I've been in airports where everyone's watching on a common TV, and I hate Texas,

the Longhorns, and the USC Troach, and something like that. Just really getting into them if they're losing, and people getting pissed off. I always enjoy that. Forever, my teams were bad. I remember where I was when the Red Sacks lost in 2003. I was in a basement in Quincy, much like Manchester by the sea, where that guy lives. And then when they won, I was in a frat in Cornell. Not the frat that's been in the news recently, but a frat in Cornell. It was the most pathetic celebrate. I decided not to go to Boston. And then the celebration in Nithica was seven people on a roof being right. Yay, it was so much shittier. But I remember places where I was when they lose, too. But I was a big fan of Sonny McClain's Nick,

which you like, which is a Red Sox bar. Yeah, it's a Boston bar on the west side of LA. It's actually in Santa Monica. It's just in the east side of Santa Monica. It's a place where I would go a lot, and I would watch games, and it's all Red Sox fans. But I loved that place at one point. I'm not sure how it is now, but they had great bar food. It was like, bangers in mass, shepherd's pie, fish and chips. They get a different chef at some point, and it's a little less traditional now. It's a little bit more of a gastropubby sort of thing, kind of like what we had tonight. That was a good spot. I used to go there quite a bit. I actually went to my wife Natalie.

We went on a, not a date, but we had an early get together where we're just hanging out there with some people. Interesting. And she did a move, which I thought was very slick at the time, is that someone else, like another party, left their pitcher on the table, and then they went to smoke, and she just grabbed the pitcher and gave herself a little refill. What the fuck was that? Hey, what's up, buddy? What have been my pitcher?

It probably was. I mean, there's a chance we crossed paths there, and they just didn't know it in that same sort of era. Hopefully not. All right, let's talk about Yard House a little bit. So Yard House, it started in Long Beach, California, which is a roundworm from. What's that about? It was funny how you just blurted that out. We know where you're from. We have new listeners every episode. I'm giving people some context.

We don't have new listeners. I'm from Lakewood, California. It's right next to Long Beach, California. I went to middle school and high school in Long Beach. Okay. So anyway, Long Beach, California, right next to the aquarium is where the original Yard House started. I know you've talked about this aquarium before. The Aquarium of the Pacific. It's a fantastic aquarium. Oh man, if you like aquariums.

He works this aquarium in it every long he's started. Look, it was only five miles away from the aquarium. I may be getting a little kickback from the Long Beach Aquarium Society. And Nick, who went to your high school, Snoop Dogg and Cameron Diaz? Yeah, different generation, but yeah, they were famous alums from there. And Nick Weiger. But anyway, so Yard House is... No, on a Snoop Dogg who smokes weed every day and you who,

the doctor told you to smoke weed and you can't figure out how to do it. Yeah, he told, I was told that I could help my insomnia issues to smoke some marijuana. But I got a vape pen and I just can't quite figure it out. You bring the weed rep up to your high school way down. Right. Snoop Dogg went there, but still probably not the coolest weed high school. Look, I'm just averaging it out. I'm just trying to get everything back to normal.

And anyway, so Yard House started, I've been to the original location actually. And I realized I went there like years and years ago. Because the first time I went to Yard House, I wasn't even of drinking age yet. I'm 37 now. And so this was an entire lifetime. Someone was born and then grew to voting age in the time between my first Yard House visit. Whether it was before my brother's friend's wedding, a good family friend of ours. And they had to get together after the rehearsal dinner at the Yard House.

But I had been there a number of times. But I realized I think I maybe have had some happy hour apps at some point, but I've never really had a meal there. I've just had drinks. I've just had the famous Yards of Beer. But I don't know if I've ever sat down for a meal. Besser, this was your first time there. Oh yeah, I didn't even know about it.

Right. Can I give my review now? Of course, yeah, we can get into it. I gotta say I loved it. It's the best sports bar food I've ever had in my life. I can without question say that. Because most sports bars, you're going for the sports. And they're pretty much saying fuck you to the food.

They're saying here's sucker. I know you're here for this big TV. Here's some shitty wings or a burger. Right. Or fish and chips like I got. Because I usually do get the fish and chips when I go to sports bars. That's why I got it tonight. Even though there was a lot of...

That was probably the most boring thing on the menu. There was a lot of fancy stuff on the menu. But it was the best fish and chips I have ever had. Wow, that's quite an endorsement. And that includes when I went to London and was told get fish and chips at this place. Wow. Was it one of those wrapped in a newspaper fish and chips? Yeah, probably.

But my problem with fish and chips usually is the fish is sometimes too thick. I don't know. I like it to be a certain thinness. And it hit my sweet spot that way. It wasn't too greasy. I love pub and bar food. And I think you're right that there's so much. There's a ton of bad pub and bar food.

And then if there are places, there's like Ye Rustic. And they just do like good wings. I mean, like there's... That's a local L.A. place. That's a local L.A. place. And so it's like either it's like the food's not great, or they usually have one thing that they're very good at. I feel like when the Santa Monica, Sonny McLean's was at its peak,

it had all sorts of great food. But I feel like I think you're right that a lot of the times when you're going to a bar, you're not getting... It's like airport food. Our comedy club. It's like they're like, you're here for this. There's no way we need to make you happy with this food. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. If you get like some, you know, you go to a place that's got like a two-drink minimum, like a sort of classic stand-up club, and they've got like their little menu there, and you get like some mozzarella sticks or something. It's just usually so shitty. Yeah.

It's just like that. Especially, I mean, and now people will get mad at me because I'm doing this East Coast, West Coast thing that I always do. But don't you feel like the like gastropub's out here are like... I feel like LA bars had even less food, like even 10 years ago or something. Well, I don't know what point you're making exactly. I'm saying like that there like wasn't even like a lot of places that had food options. There's a ton of gastropub's now.

Yeah. I feel like on the East Coast, they're like almost every bar I go to has some sort of food option and a bunch of places. Some places don't. Well, I'll say this. I feel like the negative side, as I was just positive, I say this is barely a sports bar. Yeah.

I think that's a big point because, you know, we're going to Jogdober Fest, and Mitch, this was your pitch for Yard House, and I think it was a fair pitch. They advertised themselves as a sports bar. I thought yards meant football yards. I'm so stupid until you ordered that beer. I was like, oh yeah. But it is a fair assumption to make because it seems like a kind of...

And, you know, they did have the NFL, the Thursday night game on every TV, but they didn't have enough TVs. The TVs were too far away from a lot of the dinners. Too far away, too small. We couldn't see anything. In any sports bar, they usually have at least one huge TV, if not a few of them. They had zero. Yeah, they didn't have that giant projection TV with the big screen.

Matt, when you came in, you said that, and I think that you were right. Like, if some jocks came into this place, they'd be like, what the fuck is this place? Like, they would be like... To the menu and the TVs. Yes. Because the menu was a fancy... I felt like we were in a restaurant that had TVs in it.

Right. Yeah. It is very gastropubby. I mean, let's get into the... But also, did you notice before... There was a big painting above us, and it was a painting of like a basketball and a baseball. Really? I didn't see that. Yes. I'm almost sure, but now...

Which is lame, anyway. Like, why would a basketball and a baseball ever be together? That's a good point. Yeah, were they friends? What was this? They were, yeah, they were animated. This is like a six-hour movie? Yeah. Here's the sports painting you ordered.

I looked up sports online. I think you'll like this. Matt, we say on here... Because we both like sports, all right, but... A thing in comedy, I think we both agree on this, is when people are like... I hope you enjoy... What do they call it? Like the Super Bowl? Like the...

Oh, yeah. I hope you enjoy the sports ball competition. Sports ball competition. Oh, who's playing in the athletic game? Yeah. Like when people are like kind of like a little too... Like kind of snarky. I hate that. Yeah.

Which drives me crazy, but I think it is like a thing... So many people do it. Because I think there's a lot of like nerds and kind of comedy or comedy adjacent who like don't follow sports and they kind of want to be like kind of like derisive about it in a fun way. But I'm just like, it's fine if you don't watch it, but I don't want to be a fucking dick about it. I'd say it's a big portion. Yeah, I see it's a huge portion. Yeah.

And I feel like Yard House would maybe be the place for these people because... Right. It's where everyone... If you liked sports, it would be... That's where I should go with my wife and say, let's go out to dinner tonight to this nice restaurant. Then I shut up and go, oh, the game's over. I know it was a sports bar.

Because I think you're right. Yard House, it could maybe not be a sports bar. Yeah. I mean, the food's pretty expensive too. Right. It is pretty expensive. Let's get into the food a little bit more. So we got for our...

You mentioned the yard of beer I got. This is the thing they're famous for. It's these big, these gigantically tall beer glasses. They're very skinny. So it's not a huge amount of liquid. But it is probably two and a half beers worth of liquid. Yeah, no, yeah. And so I got a yard of the Clown Shoes Mango Colch,

which is kind of a lighter beer, with just a little bit of a mango kiss. It wasn't like a cider. Pretty good. Pretty decent. I mean, I will say that the yard form factor is fun. I think it's a thing for a bachelorette party to get. But I think in terms, in practical purposes,

I'd rather just get like a pint glass. It's a little cumbersome to drink. But I think if you're, you know, there's a special occasion, I think that's the reason that you would get that. There's certain things... I'm sorry. Yeah, go for it. There's certain things I'm embarrassed to get.

Like, I'll never get anything that the waiter sets on fire at the table or anything. Oh, yeah. But I might put that yard glass in the same category of life. I don't want that attention brought to me at the table. Yeah. It just seemed kind of like a pain in the ass to drink. It was because I had to take it off the table and then I had to like angle it below the table and then like tilt it up.

It was really weird. It kind of looked like you were, excuse my French, it kind of looked like you were sucking yourself off. That's a compliment. Like it was ducking below. Big ol' three-foot dick. Good God. Kinda.

He says kinda like... I know exactly what that looks like. Yeah. So this is only kinda that way. Well, I've seen you give yourself some dome a few times. It's approximated it. We got the poke nachos, which was a... I love that.

Yeah, this was a thing our server recommended. Mitch, you and I were both a little skittish. Besser, you were bullish on it, so like let's fucking do it. Ahi, avocado, cilantro, serrano, green onions, nori, sesame seeds, sweet soy, sriracha, aioli, white truffle sauce, crispy wontons, a bunch of components there. You liked it, Besser. Yeah, you guys didn't like it.

I liked it. I thought that it was... I liked it. It's such a specific thing. Right. Like you got her like poke and you get a... But you know what? It was a little fancier than a typical poke dish, I'd say, too.

If I'd just gotten that on a wonton, it wouldn't have had that many ingredients in a lot of places. Do you know what I think, though, it wasn't... I was afraid hearing poke nachos and thinking it was gonna be heavy and big. Right. And it was not. It was not that. What I think was like that, that I had, that is always the worry of a sports bar.

Yeah. Yeah, I feel like they did it. I feel like it looked nice. It was kind of spread out evenly. The fish seemed fresh, because that's what I was concerned about, because sometimes these chain restaurants, you order any sort of raw dish. I'm just like, man, how long has that been sitting in the walk-in? But this seemed pretty fresh.

Seemed like a pretty high quality. That place is packed. One, it's gigantic. Right. And two, it's packed and doesn't look like a sports bar. Even though we've said this, it just doesn't... It's like all these nice booths, and it looks like... Walking into it, if you didn't know, it was the art house.

It just kind of looks like a popular restaurant in Burbank that a lot of people go to. I think that's... I feel here that's part of the appeal, that it is kind of just like sleek. And the sports stuff isn't super in your face, so you can maybe get your sports averse friends to go with you. And maybe... Do you know that... Have you guys ever looked into going to a sushi restaurant on the right day versus the wrong day?

Yes, I peripherally kind of know about this. I have heard that you don't go on a Monday, right? Because they don't get fresh catch on a Sunday? Yeah, Monday and Tuesdays, you try to avoid. And I've heard that Thursday actually is maybe when it's going to be the freshest, and today is Thursday. So maybe... I don't know that that applies to that kind of restaurant too,

but I've heard the sushi restaurants on Ventura, I don't go on a Monday or Tuesday. Interesting. So that would be same-day fish, almost, is what you're hoping for? Yeah, or just not something that's been sitting there since Friday, yeah. Yeah, all right. Yeah, it tastes good. It tastes fresh. And then our next app was a little bit more traditional, classic sliders,

just cheese, special sauce, and fries. Mitch, what do you think of them sliders? I like the sliders. I thought they were tasty. I thought they did a good job with them. The fries aren't my favorite style fries. Too thin? Just a little too thin.

They're the shoestring fries. You know what? Matchstick fries. I'll say this, though. For matchstick fries, I feel like matchstick fries get cold quickly. And hard. And hard. And I feel like these kind of kept their heat, so I didn't mind that.

I was like... The fries were fine, but the burger was nice and tasty. There wasn't much to it, I guess could be a complaint. There were pickles on the side, but there was nothing in the burger that was crunchy, which is very much a cheeseburger with sauce. I put one of the pickles on the side, and I slid one of those pickles in that slider. And that added a lot to it. That added a little bit of the crunch and the acidity.

And then just like that, it really changed it. I don't think I would have liked it nearly as much without that pickle affecting that bite. But I do think it was a very high-quality slider. It was like a good execution of a traditional slider. And I think that's the kind of thing, because they have this Pan-Asian half of the menu, and then they also have this more traditional half of the menu. And I feel like if you are going there just for that traditional sports bar food, yeah, it's an elevated price point, but I think that will be something that will be like,

oh, this is like a very good version of a slider. I don't know, what did you think of the sliders, Besser? I only had one. I'm trying to stay away from red meat. I actually wasn't even going to have any tonight. But I was like, I got to try it. I'm on a dough voice. I'm not going to eat the burger.

I did like it. Back to the fries, because I had that. Those were my chips with my fish. I agree with you. I sighed on thinner fries, but that's too thin, because you're right. Usually they do get hard, but they weren't hard. So I will give them that. They were excellent for that size, but I like them, I think one size thick or whatever

that is towards the McDonald's kind of size. I even will like steak fries, but we talked about this a bit earlier. I hate steak fries. But they just, steak fries, when they're done well, they're never done. I feel like that's the fry that has never made well. They're always made poorly. You'll get a lot of bad versions of it. I want to try this, because I prefer skinning your fries over a steak fry,

but I'm curious why you hate steak fries. So I think they usually are poor. In the same way, maybe, I think the fish kind of is, because when they're just thick and either something like too hot, but towards the middle, not, or I don't know, or I don't know, I like it. I don't like the middle of it. It's too much potato. Yeah, I definitely get that. I mean, that happens a lot, because if they don't have the crunchiness on the outside,

and they're just sort of these dense potato bites, you're not really getting the fun of fry. I got the, for my main, I got the Spicy Jambalaya. This was a recommendation of our server. As were the sliders, too. As the sliders. Shrimp, chicken, and douli sausage, peppers, crawfish, Cajun cream sauce, jasmine white rice. Look, I've been to New Orleans. I've sampled their wares.

They have great food down there. This isn't the New Orleans jambalaya, but this is a very good jambalaya. I feel like if you're outside of the bayou, and you got that jambalaya. If you find yourself outside the bayou. Look, sometimes you're not in the bayou, and you're just sort of like, ah, but I still want some of this bayou bite. This will get the job done. Bayou jambalaya can be sometimes too authentic, too.

Right, yeah. This is too much. I need a little more comfort food jambalaya, like they were serving up tonight. Yeah, this was good. It was not too creamy. The rice was very well cooked. And I'd say the components of it, I took the bite of shrimp. It had a good crispiness to it while seasoned.

And I was like, man, I really like this. And I thought the sausages were good. I was like, yeah, this is a really good execution. Kind of what you were saying earlier, Besser. It just felt like something you get in a good restaurant. I was pretty impressed by it. That is impressive. I had the Nashville Hot Chicken, which was not as good as what your guys sound like.

Right. I feel like it was just like, the center of it was too thick, the sort of thing that you were talking about with the fish, too. Like it was just like, it was juicy or whatever, but it was just like, I wanted more of the crispiness in the bread. Did you have any idea what the chicken was going to be? No, I thought maybe it was on the bone. It was boneless.

It seemed like fried chicken, kind of. It was a boneless fried chicken like breast. Yeah. Like it was a big hunk. I didn't have a bite of it, but I did kind of think like, oh, that's, I don't know if that's the best way to present this sort of hot chicken thing is like a breast. No. A boneless skinless breast.

And like there were parts of it that tasted well, but then also like I was comparing it to like howling rays, like the good fried chicken that we've had out here and it just doesn't compare. Right. And it came with some pickles, ranch, and then it came with sweet potato pancakes with butter and like kind of this like spicy syrup. I know it was, it was, this was a terrible meal for me. But they're not, they weren't like potato pancakes.

They're more like actual pancakes. They were actual pancakes. So there was kind of like a chicken and waffles thing. No, I didn't think of that. But, but it, but it is what they were doing. Yeah. Chicken and pancakes and they were sweet potato pancakes. The pancakes were good and different and interesting,

but like the chicken just was, was just fine, especially like, especially when it was kind of too thick in the center. I didn't, I didn't love it. But it was still, but I, but I agree that all the other food that I tried was, was good. It was of good quality. Like, and, and there were a ton of options and it's kind of like, you know what, it almost kind of reminded me, Nick, of a kind of like a mini,

what's the place that you love? The South Beverly Grill. Oh, a hillstone. Reminding me of like kind of like, I'm not saying that it was as good at quality. Let's not go nuts here. Jesus. I'm not saying it's a quality of a hillstone, but it's like hillstone, like the poor man's hillstone, which is not true because it was still expensive.

But I'm saying like, it felt like, it felt like kind of like it was trying to be hillstone. They were going for an elevated, like they had, they had, they clearly had good ingredients and they were trying some more creative, daring things with their menu, as well as presenting to more traditional fare. Yeah, without question. Yeah. Like we were saying there, you expect buffalo wings to be front and center at any, any sports bar menu.

And I didn't even find them. I guess you guys found them. Yeah, they hit buffalo wings were like maybe the last thing listed on the appetizers. They were tucked away at the bottom. It was so strange. Yeah, it was like a, it was like an Easter egg. You had to go hunting for it. It's almost like the creator of the restaurant doesn't really like sports.

Right. All right, I'll put some sports over there. I just thought it was a solid restaurant. Like if you didn't tell me it was a franchise, I would have just bought it. It was just a very good single restaurant. I think the numbers probably show that it's, that it is a pretty solid place too. That it was, it was, it was pretty packed. Yeah, very popular.

I mean, it's still growing as a chain and you know, it's, it's got a number of outlets across the nation at this point. So let's get to our final thoughts. And Besser, you've been on the podcast before, but just a refresher on how this will work. We'll go around. We'll say our closing argument, if you will, our final thoughts on this chain and then give it a rating on the order of zero to five forks. Are we going to do something fun for Jack Doberfest?

Oh, we should do something. Okay. So instead of forks, should it be dumbbells? Wait, dumbbells? Because the dumbbells podcast? No, I meant, no, and that's not why. Because of lifting weights? Yeah. What else is there? Is dumbbells your, your sister opposite program?

It kind of is. It's the podcast for good and where the, where the podcast destroys people. Eugene Cordero and Ryan Stanger, their podcast. It's a great podcast, very, very listable, very entertaining and also very like as much damage as we do to people's bodies. It does repair work and, and yeah, I haven't been invited on that show and I'm pretty close to Eugene too. So I'm feeling.

You got to go on dumbbells. We got to get better than dumbbells. Yeah. I'm feeling like they don't want me on there. Wow. Because I'm not going to be a good example. Have you guys been on? I've been on.

I've been on. They basically, I basically. What do you talk about? Do the opposite of this? Hey baby, basically, I talk about my struggles with going to the trainer and how I, how I should be working out more. But yeah, we, hey, best get, let's get that trending. Our podcast can't get anything trending, but let's.

I want to be asked to be on there. I don't want to force myself. Oh yeah. Wait, fine. Then no one, no one trend it. No trending. My honest guess, Besser, is that they are, they are a little afraid of you because I think that's just like, you're an intimidating presence.

And so I think. I'm doing a project with Eugene right now. He is not afraid of me. All right. Because we were. You guys like that. Because Nick is, Nick is afraid of you. Yeah, a little bit.

You're an intimidating guy. I'm not profess, I consider you a great professor. Shut up. All right. So yeah, we'll, let's, oh, let's not do dumbbells. All right. So then what else is there? Basketball, we've done basketball before.

Gatorade jugs. CT scans. CT scans. Oh my God. So it would be closer to zero is better. Besser, what do you think? Uh, Gatorade jugs, uh, yellow flags, uh, hockey pucks. Gatorade jugs is the closest to food.

All right. Let's do, let's do zero to five Gatorade jugs. If we beat this later, we can retcon it and change it into something else. All right. Important. What type of Gatorade? Um, frost. Which Gator?

Is that blue? The blue frost. Okay. What's that one? I thought that was just what frost was. Is that Arctic freeze? I don't know. I thought it was just called frost.

I didn't realize there was a much more specific thing. Frost is a line of Gatorade. Oh, that's like a classification. All right. We'll go with that light blue Gatorade frost. All right. Light blue Gatorade frost jugs, zero to five. We'll start with you, Besser.

Okay. Like you've heard, I really enjoyed the food. However, this is October. Yeah. And this is in the sports bar classification. In fact, if we had just done this outside of October, you not, like I just got through singing, if you told me this, if we'd never brought up this as a sports bar,

I literally would have walked in there and just thought, this one of those restaurants has TVs. Right. So I can't give it the full five Gatorade balls. I have to give it a four for food, but a minus one for not being a good sports bar. Wow. If I had to go watch the game, I may not go there.

Wow. Wow. So four is your score. Four Gatorade jugs. Which is excellent food. I might go there just to fucking eat. Yeah. I mean, that is an endorsement.

Yeah, I'm working up there recently, and I probably will suggest going there for the food. It is weird, like we've said, it just kind of looks like a sleek restaurant. Right. The actual. There wasn't any pictures, like you said, these abstract paintings. There wasn't like a photo.

There's not a fucking sports bar in LA that doesn't have Kobe Bryant or Magic Johnson somewhere in there. Right. Yeah. Where's Wayne Gretzky's jersey? I don't know. Did you guys remember seeing a jersey or a photo in their period? They're playing, they're going very hard against that.

They don't have any of the classic memorabilia. The game was on, but you could barely even hear it. It was like, it was almost like it was like, it felt like just soft enough that you couldn't hear what they were saying. It was like kind of like background music, but I couldn't, I couldn't make out what was being. They're playing NPR. Terry Gross over the game.

I recognize that it was good. My Nashville hot chicken could have been better. I also had a strawberry rhubarb sour beer, which I forget what type, which is the beer selection was impressive. But with my strawberry rhubarb, rhubarb sour beer, either the beer wasn't good or the tap needed to be cool. Yeah, that can happen. And so there, because it tastes, it just kind of tasted like a muddled mess.

Maybe that was the beer. And then I got a house honey ale, I think it was. Or a house, honey house amber ale or something. I forget what it was. I should have paid attention, but I didn't. Sir, this can be a beer or your salad dressing. I got two, I got two dorky, like very fruit heavy beers. And the other one was decent, but didn't blow me away.

But I did like the selection. There is a big selection. You and I always talk about when a menu is too big, it can be a bad thing. This menu isn't too big. The drink menu is huge, but the food menu is big, but not out of hand. Yeah, not cheese factory. Or not a cheesecake factory. Yeah, it's only, I think, two pages.

But there are dense two pages. I will go back there. It's frustrating because I think the food is good. It could be a better sports bar. I'm going three and a half Gatorade jugs. There's a few ice. There's a little bit of ice in the half Gatorade jug that's getting a little out. It's close to four.

Right. Yeah, but it doesn't make it. Very fair score. I agree with a lot of the points you guys are making. I will say as a sports bar, I agree it is not an ideal environment for viewing a game. Just like the viewing angles aren't great. The TVs aren't big enough. There aren't enough seats close to the TVs given the size of the screens.

And then the game audio is just inaudible. But that said, what? That's a terrible indoor. I mean, that's bad. Yeah, as a sports bar, if we're just reviewing it as a sports viewing environment, it's not great. But I think it's a lot of fun. I think that despite the corporate feel to it, it does have some fun items on the menu. A lot of shareable plates.

I do think the yard size beer is just like a fun presentation and just like a cool little gimmick that they have. I understand why that's a hook that's worked for them. It is fun to be served, even if it's not the most easy thing to drink. The food, I think, is decent quality. I think I was actually surprised by it exceeded my expectations. And the only thing I would say is that I think I'm not sure if it was just this night, or if it was just the fact that the game was going on and there was so many patrons or whatever.

But I feel like our server disappeared for quite some time. He did. And he seemed like it was going to be really good up top. He seemed like he was going to be very attentive. And then what did you want from him? I wanted him to check in with us. And I feel like he went away for like 15 minutes. I feel like we were just sort of sitting there.

I feel like I would have gotten a dessert. And I feel like he was just gone for a while and then he came back. What you mentioned about the taps is an issue, I think, because they just have so much variety. Their menu is so big. I feel like if Gordon Ramsay or John Taffer went in there, they'd want to make a bunch of cuts. And justifiably, because what you mentioned about your tap possibility being not clean, that's a classic Taffer Gaff that'll point out. Taffer Gaffer, yeah.

And so I think there are maybe some issues they could do if they wanted to streamline and simplify it. Then again, that's not what their business is. I'm going to say our server was good up top. He was good. He just disappeared for a stretch. He disappeared. But overall, I think I have to agree with Mitch. I like the food.

A little bit of a failure as a sports bar. Some things they could improve on. But a good time, I would definitely go back three and a half Gatorade jugs. All right. I'm not going to say there's any ice in mine. I'm going to say it's air. It's like half Gatorade, half egg. Can I ask you this?

Is there, do you feel that there is a five star sports bar that exists? That's a good question. Because I would firmly argue most sports bars do not give a shit about the food. That's absolutely true. I mean, I guess it's just like, what is the Platonic ideal of the sports bar? We gave Buffalo Wild Wings maybe a better score. I like Buffalo Wild. I think I'd have a better time at Buffalo Wild Wings because I think it's easier to

watch the game. I think that the servers are going to be a little bit more on top of their game in terms of bringing stuff. And I also think just like the wings are cheaper and just a more sports bar appropriate. It was expensive tonight. We spent a lot of money. Yeah. I would say maybe I do like Buffalo Wild Wings better.

But then also like this place maybe arguably has better food. Yeah, it's definitely better. Yeah. I think the quality is definitely better. I mean, we didn't try the wings, so we didn't go wing versus wing. But I just feel like it's like, it's also, you know, because everything's so like dark and sleek. I keep using the word sleek, but because everything is kind of presented in that sort

of muted fashion, I could see it being just like a little bit less of a raucous good time versus a place like a beat up. So we're going to go nuts. I like my server to disappear, by the way. Yeah. It bugs me when they keep checking in. I feel like I'm always in mid-chew. Oh, man.

Yeah. I don't know. I want someone to be beyond you like lasagna. I want someone to just be there all the whole time. I was lasagna on you. I don't know. Just the thing you say. I want to be tending to me like a nurse.

You baby. Do you ever test the server? Because especially with the show, you're going to be asking for their recommendation. I don't know if you do that normally when you go to restaurants. But do you ever look at what the most expensive appetizer is and see if they recommend that? Because if they're doing that, they're just going for that tip money. Yeah. Well, here's the thing.

The first is really telling you what they like the most. I think our server was, because I asked for recommendations. I do often ask for recommendations. Well, this is why you don't like it, because it gave you the corporate line first. He started off. No, I liked him. I thought he was good. I thought he just disappeared for a stretch.

I thought it was very, I laser- Or is it because you admitted that you're afraid of Besser, so you're looking for any outlook that you could find? I had a lovely time with Besser. We had a great conversation. We had a nice meal. I heard throughout the entire, it was distracting me because your knees were hitting, they were clicking together.

Nice. He's a wuss, Besser. You act like I'm petrified of Besser. I could have a conversation with Besser. What's going on? I thought we had to find me. We had a great time. I had a great time.

You're projecting your own fears onto me is what's happening. No, I'm not. I'm afraid of the devil and that's it. I'm afraid of the devil and a few other ghost-like creatures and that's it. It's frustrating because I think they need to get a bigger TV in there and they need to pump up the volume if it is a sports bar. It seems like an aesthetics choice. I would also say at least 50% of people there weren't there for sports at all.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, a lot of the tables are just facing away from TVs. There's just no viewing angle at all. There was an exciting thing happening with the game and it was like even hard to tell what was going on. Right. So, what were you going to say? Sorry, Nick.

I cut you off. Oh, I was just going to say that I asked for recommendations. He said that he said the most popular ones and I was like, nah, but what do you like? Because the most popular, I feel like, isn't the best guide necessarily. All right. That was our review of Yard House. It's time for a regular segment.

We've got a food stuff. We're going to decide if it's worth putting in your mouth. It's knacker whack. Mitch, before we get into this, you had something else we were going to have and then you forgot it at home. Easy mistake to make. But I thought it was what you picked up. I was very excited to try.

We'll do it for the next episode. We'll do it for the next episode. So, you don't want to say it is? No, we'll wait. All right, we'll sit on it. You know what's funny is that a ton of people tweeted and texted me about this thing and I had already bought it. I bought it in New York.

Well, that's the thing. I saw that you got it and then I saw people tweeting about it. I was like, wow, Mitch is really on top of this. I was on top of it and then I fucking forgot it and I swear on the car right off. I was swearing. I was so mad. All right. We've kind of, I feel like we've done these before, but this is kind of a different

model where it's all mixed up. I don't feel like I've done these necessarily. This is not something I would ever want to have voluntarily. This is something our buddy Usong got for us. Being boozled, jelly belly jelly beans, dare to compare, caution contains weird and wild flavors. So, and even if we have done it, it's the fourth edition. There's two new flavors. Right.

So, just as an example of how this will work, there's two blue flavors and they look identical. One is labeled toothpaste. One is labeled berry blue. Or for instance, there's two orange flavors. One is labeled strawberry banana smoothie. One is labeled dead fish. So, you get one fun flavor, one disgusting flavor. And it's just a fraction.

We've already apologized to you for doing this. I don't, I'm not, I'm not happy to do this. I don't want to do this. I gotta say, I fucking hate this whole fucking thing. I hate it too. They do this with Harry Potter. Yeah. I hate Harry Potter.

They have, they have this Harry Potter jelly beans where it's just like this. I didn't know this was a thing all over. Yeah. I don't know jelly belly. You don't need to do this. I don't like, I don't like jelly beans pretty much, period. I don't like licorice. Right.

Yeah, I don't like jelly beans either. So, now that they're on purpose making nasty jelly beans. I'm scared to even try this. This one's bad. I bit into it. It's bad. They all smell. You smelling them first?

I hate this. This is fucking terrible. I've had three of these. This is a fucking nightmare. You got three bad ones? I don't want to ruin my dinner. This is awful. I feel like it's gonna ruin my whole night.

I just ate toothpaste. I ate spoiled milk. I think I ate barf. Oh, I ate barf. Oh, fuck. I just fucking, I hate this. This is not fun. You son, what the fuck?

What are you doing? You fucking did this? This is awful. I hate this. You son. You fucking stick all this in your goddamn mouth. You son, you son, get in here right now. I had a perfectly good dinner spot.

You son, come in. You son, you said when you got here you were a big fan of Besser and now you've made him eat these shit jelly beans. Fuck. You son, you gotta try these with us because you got them. I think he's sick. The whole thing in his mouth. We're not gonna make you eat all of them.

You son, take a couple of these. Take a 50-50. Okay, go ahead. I broke up. I think I, you should just put one in because I put them all in my hands. All right, we use some. Tell us which one you're tasting.

Give us a thumbs up or a thumbs down. He's got a nice peach there. You look like you're enjoying that one. I don't see you making any sort of face. It doesn't seem particularly putrid, but maybe I'm misreading it. Oh. I don't know if you can hear me on the mic,

but I can't tell if it's rotten, or buttered popcorn. It's probably buttered popcorn. That's part of the issue with this. They're all gross. Yeah, because jelly beans are inherently disgusting. And so then you add the, that some of them are supposed to be bad,

so you can't tell what the good ones are for the bad ones. Then we add the bad ones that are particularly noxious. They like really hate you. So I hate this. No, it's fine. It, you're saying it's fine. This is Mitch's fault. Mitch forgot the snacks we were supposed to have.

I can't even think of a snack that I don't like. I got a 2D fruity. It's pretty good. That's the thing is I, like it's such a Russian roulette thing of like I kind of want to keep going. Oh my God. It's not a 2D fruity.

It's a stinky socks. I feel like they all smell bad. I'm like, they're not even in my hands anymore, and they smell. Oh, what the fuck? This has ruined my whole fucking night. Oh, wait a minute. Wait, is it, is it, is it, are all of them,

are they, sometimes, are they all bad? Are all of them bad? I don't know. At the bottom of the box it said, you ate them all, dumbass. Don't fuck yourself. I just had one and going by the key, this was either booger or juicy pear.

What's a booger taste like? I don't, see, that's the thing. I don't know what a booger tastes like. What one way to find out. But also, it's just kind of like the, the even juicy pear is like such an abstract flavor, I don't really know. It just sort of kind of tastes like nothing.

Juicy pear, not even just pear. Yeah. Oh, it says, made in a peanut free factory. Cool, you made canned dog food jelly beans in a peanut free factory. Who gives a shit? God, this is bad. It's fucking awful.

Why is peanut the one big food poisoning? I don't know, that is strange. It's so weird. There's gotta be something. Once you have a kid, you cannot, you know that, right? You can't send peanut butter sandwiches to school anymore. Yeah, I've heard that. All right, thanks U-Song.

U-Song. But also. Yeah, thanks a lot. Also, you're fired. Fans like you, who needs enemies? I mean, we're all firmly on the whack for this one. Yeah, I mean, this is a novelty. I guess they're, you know, if you...

I'm angry at this whole company, the whole concept. Yeah. People who buy these and support this concept. How can an adult buy this? Yeah, that's awful. I hate dog food. I'm the jelly bean dog food.

Like I get Harry Potter, but like this seems like it's for adults. I will say not only, maybe not only do I give whack to these, specifically, maybe now I give whack to all of jelly beans. Maybe jelly beans just get a whack. Yeah, I think we, you know, because we've got the haul of snack for our best snacks. I think we need a haul of whack for the worst snacks. This is number one.

Jelly beans are going to the haul of whack. Yeah, I put, I like all candy, but except for all derivatives of jelly beans. Right. It should be your Mike and Ikes, your Twizzlers. Yeah. Though that those, that's... I should think it's cut in your teeth. I have like a dirty sock taste in my mouth.

Yeah. This sucks. I know man, it ruined a great meal. I know. Boy, what a nightmare. Yeah, if you out there actually like jelly, or if you also hate jelly beans, hashtag jellyboo, and if you like jelly beans, hashtag I'm wrong.

You ever have a great meal and you're eating with someone, they haven't eaten all their meal. You don't really like their choice. You're like, try it and you don't, you just want that taste of your awesome meal remaining in your mouth. You don't want their shitty little thing to ruin it all for you. And they're like, come on, just try it. And you're like, no.

Yeah. I'm so, my mouth is done and it's happy. Right. I've said this, but I will like, I still have that taste in my fucking mouth. I hate it. I will save like the last bite of a thing. Like, I'm like, I want to eat this piece of burger.

Last. And I'll save the little piece of burger. Sometimes even after my drink. Right. I'll save it to just have the little bite of a burger. You stay over there, friend. You're coming to the last. I really, and I get mad if that gets disrupted.

Right. Which I guess this did. Yeah. If you're like about to have your final bite of a burger and a hawk swoops down and flies away with it. It's crazy. It's crazy. Uh, asparagus spear last.

Let's look at that bitter taste, the end of a spear. That's when people are, but I hate it even more when people want to take my food. I get more like up top, like I'll be like. Yeah, order yourself. Yeah, exactly. Do people want like. I ordered what I need to eat.

Yeah. If you want, if you. I'm always talking to my wife. It's only that conversation. I'm Irma for me, I guess. But uh, but uh, but I will like, I would rather buy another side of fries or something. Yeah.

This is sourdough mood. We're more generally now just beefing about food. I hate. All right. That was snack or whack. Maybe the worst one we've ever done. Just like a restaurant. We value your feedback.

Let's open up the feedback. Today's email comes to us from Anna in Colorado. Anna writes, A few years ago, a coworker friend of mine asked me to go to noodles and company for dinner. I accepted the offer unknowingly going into a very awkward dining situation at dinner. My coworker told me he wanted to be more than friends.

And I gently told him that I was sorry that I loved his friendship, but that it did not feel the same way. He then proceeded to cry. I felt terrible. I was a 23 year old female sipping my water and nervously glancing around the restaurant as a 30 year old man cried across the table from me. It's cringe worthy to put all this in writing.

Side note, Nick, you remind me of this old friend actually, parentheses, not the crying part. Question. Have you ever been in an awkward dining situation? Oh man. I don't feel like I've ever hit anything that like, that's a real love. I was going to make a joke about it being you and then

she made the joke. She undercut it. She anticipated it. Yeah. Thanks Anna. That's insane. That's an insane situation you were in. I wanted to say like noodles and company.

It sounds like either you're going to a fun restaurant or like a bully's hideout. Right. We're noodles. Noodles and his gang. Noodles and his friends. Make way for noodles. I was once invited.

I had a, I broke up with this woman that we've been dating for a couple of years. And then like a month later she said, can we go out to dinner? I just want to have a conversation with you. I'm like, all right, I guess I owe her that. So we go out to dinner and before we had even ordered, she goes, I just, I just wanted to have this because I just

wanted to say this to your face and I want you to remember this, that you will never have as good as sex as you have, that you had with me ever again for the rest of your life. That's insane. Jesus Christ. And she was right for a while. And I got to say those words echoed in my head and haunted me for a while.

But it was, I can barely remember that meal either. I just remember it was before we ordered and I remember thinking my head, what do we do now? She just did this to fucking say something really aggressive. Are we really going to sit here and eat together now? How far into the meal was it? This was early on? This was before we ordered.

It was before you ordered. Jesus Christ. We literally sat down and put napkins in a lab and she told me this. Wow. That's crazy. And I can barely remember the rest of the meal but I do remember me thinking to myself, should I leave?

Like what's, why am I staying here after I've been aggressively attacked? Wow. That's, that, that is, I've never had anything like that level. Yeah. I don't have, I don't have like a, like someone just sat down with me and wanted to give me some hard truths in a, in a restaurant.

But I did have a situation I went to with some co-workers we were going to lunch and we went to this diner called Norm's Diner and this was one of the ones that's now closed in Santa Monica near where our work was. Oh yeah. Yeah. And the, and so just the way we're set up we were like in a four, a four person booth right next to like a two person

booth and we were like kind of sitting down at the same time that the two person booth was sitting down and in the two person party was like a very old man and my co-worker just kind of accidentally bumped the old man and the old man like went flying and he was like whoa and like fell backwards and like fell into the booth and he's just like he just knocked me over and I was like oh my god I'm sorry. He's like like oh and the old man was clearly like disoriented

and upset and then we just like sat down next to him with like four feet of space between our tables and like had an entire meal right next to this guy he had this weird physical confrontation with. It was super awkward. Yeah that's crazy. Yeah and then we were just like we're just like trying not to look at this man.

I don't know if I've ever, I was starting to think of times I've cried at dinner. I don't think it's happened as an adult. Sir we're out of ribs. No I don't cry over ribs anymore. I honestly like I'm thinking of times like when my dad would, we went to like Pizzeria Mota and my dad. You don't never eat half the pizza your dad ate.

That is one thing I could double up on him easy. But my dad was like so mad that they were like they were like we were there like super early and they were either just sitting people that like had reservations or they were friends with it was like so clearly a thing of like we were waiting for way way too long and my dad was like so angry and he's a very nice man but he had like a temper like when it came to waiting or whatever he was outside the restaurant the door

swung open and Ben Stiller this is true Ben Stiller in a what's his name from Vince Vaughn. Wow. Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller walked out they almost hit my dad and my dad was so mad. Zoolander in a wedding crash. In a wedding crash and my dad was so mad he wanted to yell at them and I was like dad you can't go and yell at those guys

because you were standing behind the door. Wow. He was and now this also makes my dad sound like not a great guy but he's a great guy but like he was so worked up that like I could tell that the hostess knew that he was like upset for waiting too long which we did to be fair to him we waited way way too long and then like sitting down it was just kind of like how does this awkward that he's he's like so clearly mad my dad

is so clearly mad. Famous Mitchell Tempere right in the family. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm very nice to other people besides you. When you said that's true. Yeah I did. It's I feel like it's the same thing with my dad felt like which maybe I have if you feel like you're getting slighted because

there have been there have been situations where I've went to a restaurant and I feel like I've gotten skipped over I know it's happened a couple times and I think that that is infuriating. As a host I know all the host tricks and I know like you you seat people in the shittiest table who you think will take it the most you start to profile people like I currently tell him and work there I was like if it's these old bitties they're going to bitch so I got to give them the best table right I'm

going to fuck around with that you know but if it's like some people in their 20s I'm going to sit them next to the fucking kitchen or the front door or something yeah and if I ever feel like I get put in one of those places I'll just say no that's it in there yeah that's over there I think that that's I think that's a good I think that and that's like such a weird battle it's it is it is it's hard to tell but I when I was recently in Catalina and and I found out we got skipped

whoa we got skipped like multiple times whoa and I and I found out because I was standing there was I was why were they skipping you I don't know because the guy was like we tried to call you but I was there and I and I and I saw here that he didn't try to call guess you should take on that fucking Patriots hat and the fucking LA I think people just don't want me in their restaurant either I think that's a big part of it anyways where do you're gonna eat them out of business Jesus Christ

you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants you can email us at doeboyspodcast at gmail.com to get the doeboys double our weekly bonus episodes subscribe at patreon.com slash doeboys Matt Besser thank you so much for returning the podcast kicking off jokdoberfest do you have anything you would like to plug at this time yeah I got a musical a punk rock musical I've been working on for a very long time with with Brett Morris my friend Bobby Matthews a lot of guys you know are in it John Gimberlings Scott Ockerman my Cassidy

even Harris Whittles did something oh wow that's awesome so that's how long we've been working on it but it's called stolen idea it's about people stealing ideas in the world of comedy and music and I play the comedian in it and what else can I say about it it's on stitcherpremium.com slash stolen go there and you can get it for free because they'll give you a free month there so go there oh there you go yeah check it out I think the promo code can be improv or maybe it's stolen but just go to stitcherpremium.com slash stolen that's awesome Matt Besser dot com look it up is it wait so is it like is it one thing or is it divided into episodes how does it work we it's in three acts okay we're gonna release in three acts then release it as a whole

but uh September 27th it drops I'm not sure when this comes out this will this will it'll just come out because it'll be out in the first week of October that's awesome check that out Matt there's there's Halloween Oreos which we didn't taste because they have the same flavor but there aren't there's orange cream and I was gonna offer we can all have an Oreo after this to wipe the taste out of our mouth I feel like Oreos and all it'll be helpful I appreciate that yeah we'll do that um all right that'll do it for this episode of Dog Boys until next time for the Spoonman Mike Mitchell I'm Nick Weigher happy eating see ya