Doughboys - Yarrrctdoughbarrchest: Pirate's Booty with The Pirate Known Only as Patchy Beard aka Reluctant John, John Hodgman

Episode Date: October 6, 2022

John Hodgman (Judge John Hodgman, Up Here, Dicktown) joins the scallywags to discuss the Delta Sky Club, cruise ships, and plugs before a review of Pirate's Booty.Want more Doughboys? Check out our Patreon!: https://patreon.com/doughboysSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Coming up today, that link that you want to click on is down there in the episode description. Right down there. Check it out. There it is. Move your cursor, go ahead and click, or if you're on your phone, use your finger and click that link. Click that link in the episode description. This excerpt from a general history of the pirates, written by Captain Charles Johnson

and first published in 1724, refers to a man alternately called either Edward Teach or Edward Thatch or Edward Thack, but best known as Blackbeard. Though his reign as pirate king was brief, from approximately 1716 to his death in 1718, his brazenness in menacing the Atlantic and Gulf coasts of colonial America became legendary, as he prowled the seas with his feared cannon-crammed caraville called Queen Anne's Revenge. Known for his Blackbeard, the dread pirate also was known to holster a trio of pistols in battle, and by legend used either lit matches or slow-burning fuses mounted under his hat to give the illusion that he himself was literally smokin'.

Blackbeard's most famous gamut was blockading the port of Charlestown, holding hostage an entire city's trade for ransom. Despite his bloodthirsty reputation, he was in fact known to show mercy to crews who surrendered, creating a feedback loop which led to him winning many ship-to-ship battles without firing a single shot. On November 22, 1718, the Virginia colonies hilariously named Governor Spotswood dispatched a duo of navy vessels to take out Blackbeard. His crews then depleted due to shore leave, and Blackbeard was shot, stabbed, and decapitated.

His head mounted on a royal navy ship and his corpse dredged in the ocean. But his legacy lives on even today as a man who dedicated his short and consequential life to the pursuit of booty. This week on Doughboys, Yark's Doughbar Chest begins a month of pirate-themed eating, drinking, and revelry as we set sail for Pirate's Booty. Avast, ye mateys, it's Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants. I be the dread podcaster Nick Weiger, along with my first mate, Captain Jack Sparrow, the Spoonman Mike Mitchell.

Yardee ho, wise. Yardee ho, my good man. Kevin sent that in, and hey, send in your pirate-themed roast to roastspoonmanageemail.com all month along because, Mitch, it's the beginning here in the main feed of the yarked Doughbar Chest 2022 Yodo Yodo, a pirate's bite for me, a month of pirate-themed restaurants, and other shit on the double. That's right. Pirate-themed restaurants, and what a way to start it off, and you know that the idea

isn't too thin with Pirate's Booty. Not a restaurant, but a snack that does not have a lot of flavors. Apparently comes in like one flavor. I got all of them. That's going to be an episode. But, Wags, very, very excited about yarked Doughbar Chest. A thing we've been training. Yarked Doughbar Chest, yes.

This was your brainchild that you've been very, very passionate about for, I'd want to say, three or four years. We want to do it every year, and it's just tough to logistically for reasons we'll find out later in the month. Our tomorrow war is when we first start talking about this. Do you remember Life Before the Tomorrow War? More innocent age. Everything's changed since then.

White spikes. Now, Wags, when I go to bed at night, I have nightmares of white spikes. It's weird that we didn't think about white spikes like at all. It was like, you know, we're just sort of weird, the economy was booming. We were enjoying our streaming services and our video game consoles, and then those white spikes entered our reality and their omnipresence, all we can think about. And, Wags, you know what the worst part was? I came back from the war and I was spit on, and people were mad at me that I served in

the war. Yeah. I'll admit, I was there. Yeah, actually, it was just you. I came back and you just spit on me. I was jeering at you. Hey, buddy. Hucked a big loogie.

But Wags, this isn't about white spikes, though, white spikes versus some pirates would be fun. This is about Yark Dober Chest. That's right. A pirate theme month, and look, our guest is shaking their head, but they should know that doing a pirate voice is not hacky. It's good. Not hacky. No, it's good.

It's good. Everyone likes it. Everybody likes it. Yark Dober Chest. Not embarrassing. Not embarrassing. Not played out. Very normal for a podcast in its eighth year.

To do a pirate episode, Wags, a pirate, pirate month, Wags, a month, it couldn't just be an episode. No, eight episodes of the podcast. Wags me, matey. It's time to hit up these landlubbers with a drop. Fill your ears with this. Darn, chrome tab. Select chrome tab.

We'll be riding the chrome tab to the great abyss tonight. Good ship chrome tab. Select share tab audio, and then share, jar, yark. It was really loud opening that. We're fucking busted, dudes. Wow. Wow. Really good.

That was good. That was good. The whisper song. It was Mitch's Snacker Whack in parentheses, the whisper song, which whisper song. I was going to come out of that saying, forget about assigned consent. I wish I had signed an NDA, but that was good. I'm not even sure how that joke works, but that was good. I liked it.

You can't tell anyone about the drop before the episode plays. About we don't tell anyone about the episode. We could not tell anyone about the episode or the month, but. Yarg, all these episodes will be buried on a deserted island underneath the red X. The minute Weigar started talking pirate, I was like, I'm taking my headphones off and walking away, but I had no idea that was going to come. But then you got me back with Captain Jack Sparrow. That was, that was very funny.

Captain Jack Sparrow. Pretty good. Right. And you know what? That drop was pretty good. And it was sent in by self-proclaimed drop master Jeff Oakley. Jeff says, Hey Mitch, here's a drop featuring you rapping with the yin-yang twins and tribute to your recent Midnight Snacker Whack video on Tik Tok, loving all the recent videos

from you and Nick. What an experience it is to be able to stare at your face while you chew for 90 seconds. Spoon nation forever. Drop master Jeff Oakley. Wow. It was good. Thank you, Jack. So we got a drop king.

We got a drop master. I wonder who outranks who. We're going to find out. Pirate theme, the drop captain Roberts instead of the dread captain Roberts for me. There you go. That's good. That's good to sell. Delete that.

Delete that. Cut that. Immediately. Also wise, we got Chris Finke. The drop prince. Yes. The drop prince. Don't forget Chris Finke.

Everyone's got their own monikers and we've got Mitch, we've got a Tik Tok account and we're also posting those on Instagram Reels. I don't really know what either of those things are, but we're making the videos. Amelia's putting it up there so you can check out the dough boys there. You can also check us out, Mitch. They're going to end pretty soon. I think we're going to keep them going. I'm not doing them anymore.

I got like a couple more to do. I'm done. I'm tapping on. You're going to retire? People love them. Yar. Yar. You just launched a new social media initiative.

Yar. You have to stick with it. We can't be burning up all the snacks in there though. You know what I mean? Well, that's right, Mitch, because we also have, speaking of new initiatives, you can find the dough boys on Spotify every Thursday night at 8.30 p.m. Eastern. We're doing dough boys snack pack, listen live on Spotify. A lot of people joined us for our first episode, which we did live this past Thursday as of

this recording. Got another one coming up and the replays will be available on the next Tuesday. So Tuesday the day the dough boys double comes out, you can also see the replay or hear the replay rather. It's audio only of the previous Spotify live show. So check that out. Dough boys snack pack, listen live on Spotify Thursdays at 8.30 p.m. Eastern every Thursday. Just an ongoing thing and people can talk with us.

We talk with them. Have I stumbled into a special episode of the dough boys that is like oops, all crunch berries except it's oops, all plugs, just plugs, check out Dicktown on Hulu, everybody. David Reese, still available on Hulu. That's right. Check out the episode I was in, plug myself. You can check out the episode that Mitch was in. Also check out the Tomorrow War, we were talking about it earlier.

That's right. You want some context for white spikes, what those are all about. I mean, you remember it from our reality. That's some context that I think is definitely required. I'd forgotten what that was referring to for a while and I was getting very nervous that the theme of the podcast had changed since the last time I was here. Our guest today, one of our all time favorites from Judge John Hodgman and the forthcoming Hulu show up here and of course, Dicktown, which is on Hulu right now, John Hodgman.

Hi, John. I'm starring Mike Mitchell. Thank you very much for having me. I didn't even know this was like, this can't be on the main feed. This has to be a Patreon episode. No, this is a main feed. No, this is a main feed. There was no way.

I'm surprised as I've ever been to know that this is a main feed episode. I'm grateful. I mean, look, I'll do anything, I'll do anything, I'll do anything to get on the dubways. A main feed Patreon, I'll hang around in the background is some whatever Yikyak you're doing. I don't know what social media is you're up to these days. I'm there. I'm there for you.

But I got Friday night, Friday night. All right. So this is Tuesday afternoon. Yes. In our world, in our timeline, Friday night, it's Friday night, I was a little late. I'm having a martini and trying to watch myself some confess Fletch. I had a little boom from Weigar, basically like you up, I'm like, what's Weigar texting me for?

Do you want to be, do you want to be on a Pirates Booty episode? And I was like, no, no, of course not. That's stupid. That's a terrible idea for an episode. This has to be just for the Patreon. How could you possibly do a whole episode on Pirates Booty? Weigar must be up late drinking too, watching confess Fletch, doing a literal booty call on me saying, am I, are you going to come in and do Pirates Booty with us?

But you know, I can't say no to the dough. I said yes. I said yes to the mess. Wow. And I don't have a lot of, I'm not operating on a lot of sleep because I flew in this morning on an airplane from Savannah, Georgia. You want to talk about pirate themes? Yeah.

There's a whole restaurant there called the Pirates House. You should go down to Savannah, Georgia. It's not a chain though. Wow. It's not a chain though. Don't tell Mitch that. We're going to have to fly there. It's super haunted.

No, Mitch will be terrified. It's super haunted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have been with my boyfriend's been and it's like, it's a huge thing that his family like regularly teases each other. Like, would you rather spend 12 hours in the ocean in the dark or in the pirate house? And they'll pick the ocean every time. Wow.

Yeah. Go to Savannah, go to the Pirates House. It was the first restaurant that my wife, who is also a whole human being in her own right, who happens to be married to me, that she ever went to. She went there when she was five and she had never been back until this trip and we walked in there and we're like, nope, just like Jordan peeled it. We Jordan peeled it. We're like, nope.

Wow. It's scary and too scary and cheesy at the same time. Did you hit up the Delta Sky Lounge at all while you were traveling? Yes, I did. I did. Thank you for asking. Now Mitch, I believe I heard somewhere that you might have become a Diamond Medallion member in the Delta game of Sky Miles.

I'm close. I have to take like, even honestly, maybe a trip to Boston and back will do it. I thought you were going to say like, I had to take a test. Got the written exam. Diamond Medallion test. I thought that you would have made it by now, but you're still not there yet. I'm close. I'm very excited for you.

Twisted Metal on Peacock, plug it away. I was traveling quite a bit. You're traveling down south to the haunted south. To one of the most haunted spots in the world, New Orleans, did you see any ghosts while you were down there? Did you have any? I'm sorry if I missed it and was discussed on the podcast, but did you have any uncanny encounters?

I did have that fear that I haven't had in like a long time of like, this feels ghostly. I had that ghostly feel. Right. Honestly, it was just in my hotel. I stayed. I can tell now. I was in the Hampton Suites and by the convention center. Wait, what?

What was that? Where? Hampton Inn at the convention center. Wait, did you say Hampton Inn or Hampton Suites? This is important, Mitch. The Hampton Inn and Suites at the convention center. It's both? There hasn't been a Hampton Inn or Suites in New Orleans since 1979.

Wow. After the great Hampton fire killed so many business travelers. This is the thing that you guys there on business, they're going to a convention about like the pet rock and they die in a fucking building fire. That's right. The great pet rock fire. I don't know why I picked 1979. It's good.

2003 would have been better. You were my sister was born. Great year. 1978. Great year for a horrible tragedy in New Orleans. You know who would like that pick? Billy Morgan. Favorite year.

Sorry. We're sorry. I'm very excited. Look, I also happen to know from listening to podcasts that apparently Delta is terrible relationships with their union, which is NG. No good. Yes. I got messages from two different people saying that from people who, one person who

was a Delta employee and one person who was in one person who was a sister of a Delta employee was my friend. Yeah. Was saying that they were fighting back on that a little bit. So they were very interesting. All right. I look. They were like, there is no, they did say that there is no union.

So look, we're union guys, why I threw. I hope. It's true. I hope everyone understands. Yes. My name is John Hodgman. Thank you for introducing me. I'm the director of the Judge John Hodgman podcast, the co-creator of Dicktown on Hulu,

which I please encourage you to check out because it features the great Mike Mitchell on the show, as well as David Reese and Jamie Lee Curtis speaking of Halloween coming up and Jean Gray, who also a guest of the podcast. So many great people and it's such a great show, Dicktown on Hulu. And also I wrote the book of Medallion status about my sad quest to become Diamond Medallion on a then unnamed airline. It's obviously it's Delta and I hope people understand. I know flying is flying is bad.

Yes. Chasing a dumb fake medallion by throwing all your love at a corporation is terrible. I'm aware of these things. It's awful. That said, I'm very excited for you, Mitch. I hope you make it. I'm going to lose it this year. I'm not going to get by the end of this year, I'm not going to have enough travel to hit

Diamond. Wow. I'd like to meet up. They just redid the Sky Club in LA and they also built a whole new terminal at LaGuardia, which is Bananas. And it would be great. I've been at the new LA Sky Club and by the way, I'll just just real quick. What were you doing there?

I'll hang out there sometimes. What are you? What medallion status are you? Silver. How do I meet him? How do I meet Fliger? It is possible. Why girl will go there just on days when he's not flying, he'll just go over to the Delta

Sky. It's lovely. I was going to say, the reason I interjected is that I read both medallion status and your other great book, Vacation Land, and I was going to see if I had them in arms reach by my bookstacks, but they're over on the other shelf. But yeah. Check out medallion status. It's a delight.

Yeah. Also, check out my new podcast reviewing power strips. It's called All Plugs. All Plugs. I would just like before the end of the year, if it's possible, because that's when it all turns over. I'm going to lose medallion status. Mitch, you're going to get it.

We're going to have a little meeting of hello and goodbye. I'll kick you out at the end of our, I'll kick you out of the club. Let's figure out, maybe you can, maybe if you fly to New York, that will get you over the top and you will go medallion as you fly into LaGuardia, and then I can meet you there and we could do a podcast from there to follow up on our Sky Club episode from before. The great thing about the LaGuardia Club, the new one, is that there are huge picture windows overlooking city field, overlooking the runways, and also overlooking the main concourse where you can see non-medallion embers walking around like chumps.

We can put Weigert down there and we can watch it. I like that a lot. I was going to open up a store where I sold a bunch of all sorts of different brands of fans and I was going to call it only fans, Weigert, and then I followed out that... Yes. Yeah. What? It was worth it to do this.

No. I'm glad you said it. Yeah. I saw where it was going and I liked it when I landed. A department store that's only, and now this other business comes around, ruins my old whole idea. Yeah. Paying the ass.

It was like a nice flight. I saw the destination and I was glad we got there. What did you think about the Sky Club at LAX there, Weigert? I think it's nice. It's a lot bigger. Yeah, they did let me in. I thought you just belonged to the United Airlines Cuck Club or something. I can't believe I just said that word.

I liked it. I liked it too. It was good. It was like, it's not only is it gross, but it's like, I'm 51 years old. That was very thirsty of meat, but even more thirsty than my saying thirsty. I liked it. Like, I know. No, it's fine.

Terrible. Put fire me. We were, no one's getting fired from the dough boys, so possibly me and Mitch and the drop. Just dropped me down to silver, silver medallion and put me in the hole. Where was Mitch? So we called you when we were stranded in Detroit briefly, all our flights got canceled, and you picked up the moniker Magic Mitch because you took advantage of your medallion

status. You got on the blower with Delta, you had like a private line, and you got all our flights rebooked and rescheduled. We got home that same day. We thought we weren't going to get home until the Monday. I didn't have to send you through Atlanta, which was kind of fun. You sent me through Atlanta, and I was trying to think of like, okay, so I got, because we went on separate flights.

I did not fly direct. I stopped by in Hot Lanta, which is what I call it because it's hot, and I was down there, but I was like, I went to the Sky Club there, Atlanta, a Delta hub, as both of you no doubt know, they had a delightful Sky Club. It was sprawling, and in fact, they had a couple of them in different terminals. That's the headquarters of Delta. Yeah. I want to say this, that I tried to, like I was like, why are we can get you on our flight,

I think, because there was like, and then you were like, I'm going to just go with the short thing and you went home because I was trying to get you on our flight. I think you also, it was end of tour. You were in cranky mode. I think you were ready to go. Very cranky. Yeah. But then Emma and I, our flight was, oh no, you weren't on that flight.

It was me and Marissa. No. Yeah. It was you and Pinson. There were so many empty chairs. You definitely could have, like empty, there was chairs, there were a ton of empty seats you could have gotten on the flight. No problem.

You were home before us, but. Yeah. I got home earlier and I didn't mind the layover. I had my Nintendo switch with me. I was doing, I was having a great time, played some Live Alive in the Delta Sky Club in Atlanta. Wow. Johnny, you also got, you got a former guest, a current friend of mine. Speaking of Detroit.

Dano's hat on, yeah, speaking of Detroit. That's right. Right. The hat swap. The old hat swap. I heard about that. You mentioned the hat swap recently on the episode of this podcast with our friend Paul F. Tompkins.

Yes. You talked about the hat swap. You talked about my medallion status. And I fucked up. Was it the Alouettes or who was it? It was the. The Quebec Nordiques. It was the Nordiques.

I got it wrong. It was the hat that I, I had a Quebec Nordiques hat that I swapped after a few, we were all out after the show. And this was. Great. Long before the tomorrow war. This is long before the war. It's the night of white spikes.

Yeah. Simpler time. Simpler time. We had a couple of beers and we traded hats and I don't wear it that often because. It smells like Dano. It smells bad. It smells like Dano. Yeah.

I mean, it's, it's not, not an unpleasant smell. It's just a lot. You know what I mean? It's. Musk. A good musk. He's got a musk. He's got a, he's, you know, his, but his musk is a must because, and there's also, it's

musty too. It was the other thing because it's been years and years. So, but I wanted, but I had to put it on course. Did you guys question? I bet that, I bet that episode, I bet that episode where you talked about the hat swap with Paul F. Tompkins was probably pretty popular because he's a very popular podcast guest. Yes.

Yes. He does. All right. We love, we love Paul. We should have mentioned Dicktown. We should have mentioned Dicktown on that one. Can we, Emma, can we re-add it? Can we throw a plug of Dicktown in the, the existing upload of the episode?

Yeah. I'll just throw a Dicktown plug on the end of every Doughboy's episode ever. I'll start calling them in again. Sorry. Okay. I was, I was going to say Paul F. Tompkins, that's a, that's a diamond medallion guest star on, on Dicktown. You got Jamie Lucardus, Jean Gray, those are diamond medallions.

I'm not just Paul F. Tompkins, but Janie Haddad Tompkins. Wow. The co-stars of the, of the Stayf Homekins podcast. They're diamond and I'm a much lower, I'm a much lower medallion. I said rust medallion is where I thought for me on Dicktown, but I'm, I'm not, you're among the, you're among the top dicks of Dicktown. Everyone loves you. Everyone.

That's very kind of you to say. When you said it, what was the Paul F. Tompkins? I'm sorry, Weigar, that we couldn't get, we couldn't get you on. I, as you know, I had, I had wanted to cast you as why, as Mitch's mom on the show. I had mentioned this before. Yes. And they said this is not, this is not a Doughboy's fan fiction. It's fine.

I'm not, I'm not an actor. I would, it's a, it's one of those easy come, easy go sorts of things. They used Siri instead. Let me, let me switch. I want to switch topics. Let me talk about air traffic. Hold on, wait, no, I don't want to switch yet. Cause I got, I got two things to say.

One, I wasn't sure the PFT episode was popular because of us, not because of PFT. Cause we, we saw, who knows what episode is popular with us. No, no, I think it was great. It was, it was a great episode. PFT rules. You overthought it. You got in your head because you got nervous, but, but he's just, he's just our friend.

It's fine. The second thing I want to announce is, or I wanted to address is when you and Daniel swapped hats, did you swap bodies at one point? Like the next morning, did you wake up in each other's bodies? Yeah, that's right. We quantum leaped. That's true. We, we coached them.

That's it. There's a plug right there for the new quantum leap. Oh, yes. Yes. Check it out. Instead of a body, my friend, I want to, we're onto quantum or, we're quantum leaping now on this, in this, yes. Yeah.

We, we swapped bodies. I woke up in his body for a day, still wearing my hat though, but it was after the second show when he just killed it. That was all him. That wasn't, that wasn't me wearing Dano's flesh. Wow. That's why I don't like to wear the hat because it does feel like I'm wearing his scalp.

It's still damp. It's still damp after three, three years. Yeah. My sister found a hat of mine that I hadn't worn. And she's like, it's damp. I was like, yeah, that happens sometimes. How makes sense. Uh, he did kill it on that show and, you know what?

It's good. Dano didn't do the thing of like, I'm moving to Hollywood. You know how like we could have been responsible for that? Why? No. Yeah. No. He's just like, I like, I've got a good job here.

I've got a good life. I'm set up. He's got, he's doing, he's got a family. He's doing great. He's doing great. Got, no one should move out here. Doing great. I'm going to get him on all plugs though.

We're going to talk, we're going to talk about international converters. Here's the topic I wanted to address because we spent a lot of talking. Yeah. Thank you, Mitch. Thank you, Mitch. That'll, that'll steer us on the, on the correct course because we're talking about a lot about flying through the air. But what about sailing on the ocean blue?

Wow. Are you much of a boatman? Wow. I'm kind of a Michael boatman, the actor who was on Spin City. Wow. Sure. Yeah. I've been on, I've been on, I've been on some boats.

I've been on some sailing boats. I've been on a schooner. I've been on a schooner. Wow. I spent, I spent a week with, with my family, well, not my whole family, with my wife was a whole human being in her own right and our son, who is also a whole human being, doesn't belong to me. He's not my, he's not my property.

We spent a week on this, on the schooner merry day out of Camden, Maine, where, and we were not just, and we were not just, we're not just cruising, we were working. We were learning how to sail, well, I mean, we, I mean, we steered the boat and we're like, we, and that was it. And I said, okay, get away from that. Yeah. And then we hauled, we hauled some lines to raise some sails. And our son climbed to the, climbed to the top of the pirate ship.

Wow. And had to be, climbed to the top of the rigging to, to a thing. I don't even remember what now. Um, and it was, it was, it was delightful, but a lot of hard work. It was a lot of hard work. Was there ever a point where you were like, unsure as to when your, your voyage was going to arrive at its destination? And you're like, Hey, captain, when are we going to get there?

And he replied, ah, schooner or later. Did that happen? All right. Well, it was great talking to you all. Sticking off his headphones. He took off his headphones. Policum admitted to it. It's, uh, it's the only time that I've been on a sailing, because it was so large.

It was the only time I've been on a sailing boat where I had not been physically hurt by the boat. Cause I'm just, I'm all, I'm all elbows and thumbs on any kind of anything smaller than that, that thing's going to, that's going to reach out and hit me in the shin hard. Yeah, it's bound to happen to schooner or later. Um, bitch. Oh my goodness.

Um, I, I, I get very nauseated on boats. I get seasick. I've never been on a cruise ship. I've only been on small boats. I've also been on the Jonathan Colton cruise many, many a time, but that's a different experience. What? Yeah.

What's that? What's the cruise ship thing? Cause Mitch, I know you've been on cruise ships. You've, you've regaled us with your, uh, your harrowing experience in the hot tub on the Disney cruise ship. One cruise ship. And there was a turd in the hot tub. Yeah.

Fucking disgusting. Was that what, what were the, were you performing? Was it like a country bears jamboree thing? Is that why you were on there? It was the big red boat, um, like, uh, which they don't even do anymore, but it was, it was Disney's, the big red boat. Um, and I think that this is like still kind of like shitty or, I mean, whatever, I know that there were, what is the big red, but I don't even know

what that is. It was a Disney cruise ship and it was, this is in the 80s. Oh, this is old school. This is old school. So, and so like, like, it was not like everyone got seasick. It was like, and now they're like, they're, they're like luxury hotels, right? They're like super nice. It was not, they're like, they're like luxury hotels that have fallen over in

the water and now floating on their side. It's very unnerving. I was, do you still, do people still get seasick on cruises? Yeah. Is that like, I feel like they've gotten a lot better with it. Right. They have stabilizers that, the mechanical stabilizers that make it hard to the, the, the motion is not tremendous.

The, the motion was pretty big. So it just gives you more chance to stare out into the abyss of the ocean and contemplate death, because you're not supposed to be there. There's not, I mean, the thing about, and I love the Jonathan Colton cruise and it's an incredible community and people should go on it and I, I can't wait to go on it again, but like, I am locked, like I, I am locked in. I know by Thursday, I'm going to be in a, the deepest soul hole I've ever been in. Oh boy.

Because you're in this knocked down hotel that is full of every noise, sound and smell that they can make for you to distract you from the fact that you are surrounded by endless deaths. And you should not be there, especially at night. It gets very, very creepy, but it's fun. I like it. It is cool. Yeah.

It was really a lot of fun. Great people go on that cruise. You should go. I spent a lot of time in, on boatswags growing up, right on the water in Quincy. Uh, the big red boat. Did you, uh, this is, uh, this is a weird question that may be oddly specific. Did you ever row crew? I did.

I wasn't even, I knew that was going to come up eventually. I knew that that was going to come up before long. I was talking. I didn't row, I knew not a lot of time would pass before that was raised as a topic. Yeah. I think it was going to happen. Yeah. At some point or another, I knew that was going to come up.

Cox in our later reference to crew. I didn't, I was not on, on the, on the sea. Why is when I rode crew, I was not even thinking of, of that with crew. I, but I, but that does also account for a lot of the time on the water I, I had in rowing crew, of course. Yes. Um, but Quincy's on the water where I grew up, right in the Quincy Bay. What kind of boat would you get on in Quincy?

Great question. Uh, a, a turnabout. Thank you. A what? What? A turner boat, a turner boat. Oh, tuna, tuna fish is what he means. A turnabout.

Tuna boat. A turnabout. A turnabout. A turnabout. Turner boat. Turnabout is tuna boats are fair play. What? Turner boat.

Turner, Turner, Turner network television boat. Yeah, kind of. Very funny. You went, you went on the, you went on the TBS cruise. I, yes, it was me, meat, wad, master shake. Mm hmm. Sounds like a fun all the Turner property, all the Turner properties. Resolute in Isles.

That'd be a fucking hell of a fighting game. They got to make that. The animal kingdom crew. Street fighter versus resilient Isles. I, uh, a turnabout, my sister had, uh, the queen bee. My dad built it. My dad, uh, by hand, what are you talking about though? It's a, a, a turnabout is just like a small little sailboat.

I thought you were saying tuna in a, in a New England accent. No, Turner, Turner boat. Okay. I eventually got that he was saying, he was saying Turner boat. It looks like Turner boat is a brand. That's perhaps a confusion. I thought it was like, it was like a type, like it was like a skiff. But no, it's, it's a Turner boat is like a, you know, uh, whatever.

It's like a Ford. No, okay. It's a Turner boat. That's what it says. Look, we're going to pause the podcast because I gotta go to the bathroom. Okay. Look, we'll take a break. Mitch is going to head below deck.

We'll be right back with more dough boys. He's going to hit the head. He's going to hit the head. Thank you. Yeah. Bye Mitch. Hey, well. This usually goes on for like, I should come back in about 40 minutes.

Would you say? Yeah, you probably got like a good hour. You could probably get a good workout or something if you want. Yeah. Hey everyone, it's the dough boys. You know, this spring you need nutritious, convenient meals to energize you for warmer, active days and to keep you on track to reaching your goals. Factor America's number one ready to eat meal kit can help you fuel up fast with

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Or you can use promo code doughboys at checkout. Do it. Hey, welcome back to the doughboys. I'm John Hodgman, co-creator of Dicktown. While we were waiting for Mitch to finish using the bathroom, I recorded not three but five episodes of my new podcast, all plugs. Make sure to make sure you download and subscribe and the first episode of all plugs features.

So I'm just going to say the plug for the merry day. Schooner and Camden captained by Captain Barry King. That's right. Captain King will take you and your friends out on a pirate boat. You can go with friends or you can just see what weird boat freaks show up because it's you'll be in very close quarters with them for a long time. And they make all the food on a wood stove. And so half of it's very crusty and delicious.

And somewhere in the galley, you can go and look for where my son hid the tooth that fell out of his head during that trip. If you can find it, I'll give you a I'll give you a doubloon. We're back from break appropriately enough. Hodgman is hijacked this voyage. Bringing us back from break. I'm the captain now. Be hearties.

I always, I always talk too much. And I really, I've really was trying at the beginning to not burst in because I always talk too much on the podcast. So no, we love having you. I don't want to hijack you. People would rather hear you talk than us. It's fine. Now that I know it's the pirate episode and the pirate month.

Yes, that's what you're both going to the brig. Pirates. Look, Pirates got to take over the show. That's what they, that's what they do. Also, it doesn't like Turner boats were our, our brand wise. And so I did get that wrong. But I don't know. It was a small, they were like small little boats that, that, uh, you know,

like small little boats that were made for two years. Oh, I knew we'd clear it up. Turner or later. I played this, uh, I apologize for the bathroom wise. I hopefully I don't have a scurvy. Oh boy. Eat some limes. Um, I was playing this, uh, first off, we're talking.

I'll, I'll, I'll mention this real quick. Just by pure coincidence, the, the return to Monkey Island, the latest in the Monkey Island series released this month. And I've been playing that. I've been playing this pirate themed game. And Natalie knows the theme of this, uh, this, uh, this dumb month. My lovely wife, Natalie, who was also a person or her own, right? Uh, she, she, uh, she was, she was like, Oh, is this for a pirate month?

And I was just like, no, I just, I'm doing this. I'm playing this game for fun. And so in the midst of this dumb pirate month, I'm also playing a pirate themed video game for fun, uh, but it is great. But it made me think of, of return of the Obra din because you went to the, the head, Mitch, uh, and during the break in return of the Obra din, which is a pirate game, it's not a pirate themed game, but it's about like a sea voyage.

You're investigating a bunch of people who died on a sea voyage. And it's this really cool indie game by this developer, Lucas Pope, who also did papers plays, came out a few years ago. Uh, it's just great narrative design. And it's, uh, but like as part of it, you're exploring this like authentic period ship in the 18th century. I think it's the 18th century. And the bathroom there, the toilet there was just a hole that went to the ocean.

It's also just like you sit down on an outhouse and it would just dump directly into the ocean. I was like, that's fucking revolting. I guess it's more hygienic than an outhouse, but I just like, just think of pirates just, just dropping deuces, uh, directly into the Atlantic. It's kind of a nightmare. Where do you think, where do you think the stuff's going in an outhouse? To the woods of the, to the sewer of the woods.

Core of the earth or it gets, gets burned up. Immediately burned up in the mantle of the earth. Of course. No, I think, I think, I think outhouses are also revolting. I, I, you know, but I'm just like, I, yeah, the devil cooks up the shit that he catches. It makes total sense. Why would they put it in a tank and carry it and haul it around in an empty it somewhere when you could drop it directly into the ocean?

But it's just like, it's something about it. I found a nerving. It's what they do now. They still do that. Yeah, of course they do. What do you think is happening? They're just dumping it straight into the ocean. There's not like a septic tank.

I'll tell you what, I betcha. Wow. Wow. I bet responsible cruise ships can't afford to pump that much poop into the ocean. I'll tell you one thing. I was on the Jonathan Colton cruise the same, at the exact same time in the exact same sea, the Caribbean, when the Carnival cruise ship lost power and went from being the Carnival cruise ship surprise or whatever it was called to everyone

knew it as the poop cruise. Yeah, because they lost power and they couldn't flush the toilets and there was human feces running down the deck and people had to sleep outside. And I guess they were pooping on the deck because they forgot that the ocean is around them. Yeah. And I was so, when I learned about that, it was happening at that time. I was on a cruise ship at the same time.

And I mean, but there, but for the wrath of God go I, if I had been on that poop cruise, forget about it. I'd be on the today show them when we got back. Still on this weird nerd cruise, nothing happens. It's like, and now we have the former PC. He was on an unlikely cruise. I could have had another, probably had another year of television out of that. Probably would have been famous for a little bit longer.

You're doing great. I'm happy you weren't on the poop cruise for God's sake. Yeah. What about a night? No, I don't know. It would have been bad. Yeah. I think, you know, like, I think if you're out there in your, in your smaller, in

your smaller craft, which we'll have ahead, but, you know, they're probably, it's probably treated and then dumped. That's what it says the cruise ships do. They treat it and then dump it. Treat it and dump it. Wow. Thank you very much, Emma. Treat it and dump it.

Yeah. I'm trying to think of what, I'm trying to think of like how this, this, uh, by the way, when you send in your, uh, your, your drops for me this, this month, make them pirate themed. I just thought of this right now. Send in a pirate theme drop, but also I was trying to think of it now. This whole thing was your idea. That's, this is a, that's, this is, this is my relationship with

Mitch in a microcosm. Yes. This whole thing was your idea. Cook in a pirate month and it never occurred to you. Here's the issue. Here's the issue is that we haven't announced the theme yet. We're recording this before we even announced the theme. So it's not too, it's not too late.

So we got, I mean, we got an A plus drop today. But now let's, let's hear some pirate drops. Let's hear a little, a few pirate drops. Um, I do want to give them like maybe some Mitch, do you want to give them just like some raw audio they could maybe use for a drop? Like some yargs. Yar, hey, yarg. Landlubber blow will blow me down.

How's that wigs? That's wonderful. Uh, release the Kraken. Walk the plank. Release the crackers. Ah, raise the Jolly Roger. Raise the Jolly Rancher. Release the crack.

Wait, I said it the wrong way. Release the crackers and cheese. There you go. Oh no. Anyways, Spoonman, Spoonman, uh, what is it? What is the email Spoonman drops at gmail.com? There we go. Um, all I got is bread men don't tell tales, bread to food.

That's damn good. Really good. Save the best for last. When I was saying cow tails, that, that candy, but no, no one likes that. I got to come up with better ones. I love cow tails. Everyone come up with a hunt. Come up.

Here's, here's a challenge for a drop. Come up with 10 better puns about pirates than this. Bread men tell no tales. That's good. I like bread men tell no tales. Why are you repeating it? Cause I'm giving them drop. I'm giving them drops.

Oh, okay. You're doing it. Okay. I got you. Um, Pirates of the Caribbean, the curse of the snack pearl. Mm hmm. Curse of the black licorice.

There we go. Look, we could do this literally all day. Gravy Jones's locker. There, that is good. Okay. Paul, there we go. Gravy Jones's locker. That's good.

Why isn't he giving you points? I got points. Oh my God. I got points. I hope I win the internet. You might win the internet today. Did you win the internet on, on that midnight? I feel like you did a few times.

I did. I believe I won once or twice. Yes. But I was, I was not competing for the glory. Then you and I, you and I are also being among my colleagues. What's that? You, you and I are also, I also won the internet. Oh, we're in there.

I think went in club. And then I think Odin Kirk was like, what the fuck when I won? It was truly, I think an accidental win. And I saw it coming from a mile away because I knew what Bob's answer was. And I knew that I had just truly picked a funnier answer, provided by Jordan Morris, I believe likes. But, but I beat Bob and Bob was like, you can do. I'm the captain crunch now.

Do that one. That's good. Oh, that's really good. I'm the captain crunch now. That's good. Do it as a pirate forever and say, I'm the captain crunch now. Sorry. There you go.

I'm the captain Morgan's now. That's good. Say, I me farties. Say that that's sort of on that's pretty good. I me farties. Look, this theme month is fucking good as hell. It's, it's a reason. It's a reason that we're powering through it.

I love that you're powering through. There's a reason that we stuck with it after all this time. It's good as hell. Uh-huh. Why is my, my whole thought about this boat thing is like putting a hole on a boat seems kind of crazy. So I don't know how this toilet was set up. Well, it's like it's way above the waterline.

Yeah. It's like, yeah, your head, the head would be like towards the top of the ship and be like just below deck. Okay. Okay. You're gonna have a hole, you're gonna have a hole in the boat and it's fine. It's not necessarily going to sink the boat. Don't forget, I rode in Turner, I rode, I, I rode in, in Turner boats.

Am I also, my dad had a sailboat for a short period of time, Wags. That's fine. And then, and then I'm a small motorboat. But then, uh, then he, you know, he, he, your dad was a master of the seas. My dad would, when he was younger, this is true. My dad would go out in the middle of the night and take like a boat or when he was like a teenager, he would like sneak out at night and just go to, he went to Wags. He went to Nut Island.

He would, he would ride over to Nut Island as a teenage boy. He'd ride over to, he'd sail his way over to Nut Island, probably get rid of a nut or two and move on to another island. Say, I, me, Farties were sailing for Nut Island. I, me, Farties were sailing for Nut Island. Prepare your tiny masts. All right. I, this treasure map, map be sticky.

Ah, Pirate's Booty was launched in 1987 by Robert Nierlik. Thank heavens. It's also a part of Amplified Snap Brand. And this is the first, this is the first episode of this theme. Kicking it off with Pirate's Booty. Look, we can talk about this soon. Not a restaurant. Wags, look, there was a way, I wanted to go to Casabonidas and go to Black

Bark's, Bart's Cave. I want, and why is it, I don't even think that's a pie. Look, I don't think that's piratey enough. I think it's, I think Casabonidas is more of a Mexican restaurant than a pirate themed restaurant. It has Black Bark's Cave. So one element of it is piratey that justifies flying to Denver. It was close for a while.

And it was closed. Look, the South Park guys bought it, I believe. Look, you don't, I'm not blaming you. I'm saying you don't want to fly to Denver to do it. But, and I think my rationale for it being very thin as a Pirates restaurant, I think thinner than Pirates Booty is, is a pirate themed episode. I think that justification is also sound. It's not like, like, oh, Casabonidas, it's the pirate, it's, they got a big

pirate ship inside and all the waiters dress as pirates and they got pirate themed entrees and they serve grog and rum. It wasn't that at all. It's like they have a thing called Black Bart's Cave, which is one tiny attraction of an overall, just sort of Mexican restaurant pastiche concept. We should go over everything we didn't do. We also, we were going to go to the, we were going to, we were going to do a ghost tour on the Queen Mary.

We, that was too much of a pain in the ass. I look, everything is also not a restaurant. That was my idea, but also not as Wager's idea. It looked at everything, every, almost everything to do with this besides this episode is a pain in the ass. We're trying to, we're trying to drag eating a bag of chips into an entire episode. You're saying, oh, well, we couldn't eat anything. So we can't, we can't scare Mitch to death on a haunted boat.

Come on. The, the other one was, was Jack and roses. We were going to do Jack and roses and, and, and Wager, also your idea, but then we, people don't know what that is too obscure. I hear the Disneyland closed pirates of the Caribbean because they knew you were going to do this this year. They knew you were going to do this, this steam month. Like we don't want them coming on.

Maybe there's some sort of Disney episode and let me tell you a huge pain in the ass. We'll figure it out. Um, we might be doing pirates booty too by the end of the month. If things don't work out. Cap and crunch episode, maybe on the horizon, it's a possibility. And I said, Hey, pirates, but he's a good snack or whack. No, we did it for a mainline episode.

And you know what, I think it deserves this, the spot, especially in Yark, Dober chest. I'm really, I'm now that I realized that you haven't planned for this at all. I'm really excited to see how this, how this plays out. Emma, Emma, your way through this one. Emma, Emma, leave this out. I'm going to just take it on a little journey here. It's just going to get bleeped right now. Everything I say.

Okay. No, I want to discover it on my own. Don't tell me, don't spoil it for me. We get, there's two more, there's two more, there's two more episodes that are, that are locked. So this is the, this is the loosest one as far as pirate themes. The two other ones or the three other ones make sense. They're good.

They are good. I think this one makes sense too. It has pirates in it. It's a well-known snack. There's a pirate, there's pirates on the bag. Say what you were going to say 1987. Go ahead and do it. Launch 1987 by Robert Ehrlich.

It's owned by Amplify Snack Brands, which also makes Pocky and Skinny Pop. And Amplify Snack Brands is itself owned by Hershey now. So, you know, I read the Wikipedia article, Russian nesting dolls of, of, of these food brands have it so that this is all under the Hershey umbrella. And there aren't a lot of flavors of this. There's just, I just, in fact, I was just able to track down the two varietals and I was lucky to do so, uh, which is there's, there's Pirate's Booty, Age White Cheddar, and then there's Pirate's Booty, Cheddar Blast,

which has double the Cheddar. Why's, I got all three of the flavors. Wow. Yeah. I was going to say, I don't want to Cheddar Blast your mind, but you missed one, Wiger, you tell him, Mitch. No, I know there are multiple, I know there's more than, than two. I might, my, my, yeah, I know, but I didn't like, I couldn't track them all down.

What's the third one, Mitch? Couldn't track them all down. You want to do the Pirate's Booty episode. Here I am. I got all three smart puffs. Smart puffs is the third one. Smart puffs, cosmic white Cheddar corn puffs. The little, the little crinkle of the bag really undid the, the triumph of

your announcement of smart puffs. It's like the new version of crickets, like smart puffs, everyone. Crinkle crinkle. Pirate's Booty smart puffs, cosmic white Cheddar. So pirates in space, basically, which, hey, come on, pirates in space. That's a lot of fun as well. Uh, be good. Treasure planet.

There you go. Look, I got, I got a, I got all three versions of these. I've tried them all. I'm going to try them again while we're, where we're talking about them here. But what's that? Let's next them. I, I, I was, I was not a look. I wish that I could taste these through the tongue of a child because I was

not, uh, I, I was not a, I was not a child when, I mean, I guess I was technically, I, when I heard the release date of these things, but this is a, this is something I did not snack on as a, as a kid. Me either. Are you, you are not, you, you, the, neither of you were, were, sorry. Let me start that again. Yarrr. Neither of you were parents to young children back in the days of the mid

aughts when you lived in Park Slope and the streets were paved with Pirate's booty are plus the El Dorado of Pirate's booty. It's all that you could see or eat. Wow. It's for children. This stuff is for children. It's also like it's, it's ostensibly a healthier version of like a Cheetos or a, or a Cheetos puff, right?

Yeah. And let me give you a little bit. It doesn't taste as good, but it's better for you. Yeah. I, the, basically, basically, I, I don't know who this, this Pirate was who started this company, but this guy realized early on, if you say that something doesn't have gluten in it, every mom and dad and Park Slope is going to buy it by the trunk full.

It's garbage food. It's garbage food is no better than a Cheeto, but it, but it had a, it had a little bit of whimsy to it, had a picture of a pirate on it. It made some, I think fairly, sorry, affinity brands hate to, hate to, hate to knock down that American legend, affinity brands had a little, I think, spurious claims to health foodness. Sure. And kids, and kids got addicted.

And I'll also give you this little history lesson. There used to be a lot more different kinds of Pirates Booty than there are now. I was very surprised to learn. Wow. Well, I wonder why they streamlined the line. Where's the, where's the veggie booty? Where's the ranch Pirates Booty? Where are the original tings?

Veggie booty, I believe, had a, had a, had a Salmonella connection that may have tainted the brand. So that was taken off the market. That'll do it. That'll do it. You'll find that your food has a Salmonella connection. I didn't realize you were friends with Salmonella. I wish you had told me this before I started marketing you to Pirates

Boot Moms and Dates. Yeah. Yeah. We went to college together. I mean, he's a great guy. He's a great, I mean, I know, I know he poisons people and they get very sick, but I still hang around with him. I don't know what to say.

I've snacked on a couple more of these. Yeah. By the way, Mitch and I have tried, I've been consciously trying to avoid crunching into the microphone, which is just like the, I feel like the chief redditor complaint we see is like, I don't like it when the dope boys chomp into the microphone. I have mesophonia, which is real. And the dope, I reminder that it's real.

And if anyone chose in the microphone, it triggers my mesophonia, a real thing. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you, I'm glad you're not alienating those listeners. I'm glad you're taking their consideration, taking them into consideration, taking their concerns seriously. You got it. That's why we weren't crunching into the mic. So apologies if any crinklers or crunches.

I'm going to mute myself when I crash. It's a real thing like, wow. I'll cut it. Don't worry. Frankenstein, the Wolfman, mesophonia, all real. They're all real. You don't have to cut it, Emma, because I'm going to mute my, because I'll have to mute myself when I hack up phlegm, because I'm very old and I know

what you have to listen to that. I think the, here's my big thought. The default Pirate's booty, not cheesy enough. The Cheddar Blast, which has 50% more Cheddar, also not quite cheesy enough. But you never, but you didn't get to the Smart Puffs, which is the Cosmic White Cheddar. So what are we dealing with exactly with the Smart Puffs? Like what makes the White Cheddar Cosmic? Even less cheesy.

It's even less cheesy? All right. Here's what we, here's what, I got all three of them in front of me now. Yeah. And I'm sorry, mesophonics, I'm not crunching, but I have to handle these bags and it kind of sounds bad. The crinkling is worse than the crunching. Some are triggered by crunch, some are triggered by crinkle.

I had both. The original Pirate's booty is Age White Cheddar. They used to have veggie booty that was green and they, I think they like spat some kale on it just to get some more Park Slow Moms and dads really into it. Then they had this Cheddar Blast is a new thing. This supposedly has 50% more real cheese. And of course the selling point is that these are rice and corn puffs that are baked, not fried.

No artificial colors or preservatives. They don't have that delightful neon orange color of, you know, a planter's cheese ball, my favorite snack as I was a kid. Love those cheese balls. Yeah. They brought the planter's cheese balls back, you know. They brought them back. I was stocking up on cans, they're fucking great.

They're intense. They're very intense. But here's my, here's my recommendation. Whether it be planters or uts, if you're filming, if you're filming a show for television that has a backyard picnic and the props departments put out a whole bunch of cheese balls in a big bowl, don't start, don't start the wide by shoving cheese balls in your mouth, or you'll be committed to that for every take.

By the end of it, you'll be thrown up. What was this, what episode, what was, what was the show? It was, the show was called Married. It was on FX. Oh yeah. It was a record, I had a recurring character with Nat Faxen and Brett Gelman, Jenny Slate, Judy Greer. Uh, and it was a lot of fun to make on the final episode of that first season.

There's an outdoor barbecue where I make myself sick on cheese balls. Didn't think it could happen. Young John Hodgman, 12 year old did not think it could get, could eat too many cheese balls. The same 12 year old John Hodgman who asked his mom, it would be okay for me to eat a bowl of mayonnaise. She said no. Now we're in Wagga territory.

Yeah, yeah. I look, but these smart puffs, these smart puffs are, I'm sorry, Mitch. This is just the history lesson. These smart puffs are a relic because there used to be Pirate's booty, which is Pirate's booty, which, and then they had the original tings, which didn't have a pirate on it, but like a rock star on it. And those were like crunchy Cheetos, those skinny Cheetos. And those were fully vegan, I believe.

And then they had smart puffs. And instead of a pirate or a rock star, they had like this Einstein scientist. And they decided to get rid of him and go all Pirates. Yeah. And you can see on this, on this particular bag, I can't, you know, podcast listeners can't see it, but up in the corner, they have a little tribute to the old scientists that they threw in the garbage. They threw him down the, uh, the poop hole in the head.

Oh yeah. New look, same great taste. I don't know what makes a smart puff different from a regular pirate booty, but I'm going to try his, his, his, his little Einstein fellow. And now it's kind of like a Muppets in space or like the Pirates are in space. You know, this is, is wild, but. All right. Protect your, protect your ears, mesophonics.

I'm diving into these Pirate, Pirate Booty original. Time stamp is 57 minutes for crinkling from Hodgman and funny mesophonics who want to skip. Hang on, I'm going to, I'm going to give them a, I'm going to give them a smell. Does have a good nose to it. Oh yeah, that is, that is the smell of 2009 Prospect Park for sure. And here I go, I'm going to eat one. It's very mellow, very mild, very mild flavor. This is, this is the regular Pirate's Booty.

This is reg, reg, reg booty. Yeah. Regular is pretty mild. Very, it's not going to, no infant will go home sad. No infant, no infant's palate will be offended by this mealy, gross, crisp. They're very mealy. So I had Pirate's Booty as an adult, probably like within the last seven or eight years or whenever it was, maybe within the decade.

And my original thought was, yes, not a lot of flavor, like they're like, oh, these are like the healthy, you know, that's, that's, that is how like they were always, right, that these are the healthy, you know, healthy cheese. And my initial thought was not enough flavor and also like kind of like a stale mealy taste to them. I've now had these like fresh out of the bag and I feel like they're not, the crunch is better than I remembered. I remembered them being like almost stale, but the crunch is okay.

I like the crunch. Crunch is the best attribute. They go stale very quickly as if my memory serves. And I just, I just opened that bag. So let's adjust, like maybe that was 15 seconds ago. Now I'm going to set a stopwatch. Okay. And, and we'll check in later and I'll, and I'll check the staleness.

I bet you they, I bet they, they go limp within two minutes. Yeah. If you, yeah, if you have an open bag, I think, I feel like they'll, but besides the, besides like the, the light taste to the might, I was just kind of like, what is the deal with these things? I don't, not to be Seinfeld-ish. What is, but what was the deal? What's the deal with Pirates Booty?

I think it is that sort of thing of this is like a snack we can pack in our kids lunches and feel better about it. It's not, they're not cheesy poofs. We're not, it's, we're not pulling a cartman here. It's, it's, this is, this is, these are, these are the healthy version of it. I think that. I think there's also an element real, real quick, Mitch, and, and Hodgman, you can probably speak to this more as, as a parent in a, in a liberal

hub, uh, where you live. I think there's probably an element of not wanting the other, like you don't want other parents to think you're a bad parent, because if you just throw a bag of Frito, chili cheese Fritos in there, which your kid will like more, it, it looks like a more irresponsible decision, even though calorically they're about the same. Yeah. I mean, you, you definitely are trying to keep up with the Davey Joneses are. Goodbye.

Goodbye forever, everyone. And you know that, and there, there are, there are some people, parents around here who are very, very nervous about being seen given their kids junk food. Right. Then there are other parents, uh, acquaintances and friends of ours who like decide on purpose to feed them junk, just to poke the bear. Just to like be like, and it's like, here, yeah, here, eat these cheese wafis. You ever have the wise cheese wafis?

Oh, those things are not natural. They're so, they're so disgusting and beautiful and on wrong. These are baked as well. They're not fried. That's another part of these, of these, of these cheesy of the, uh, of the Pirates booty. Sure. They're baked.

I, here's the thing. I looked at the back of the bag last night and I was like, we're already going to be out to be. Hey, uh, back of the bag. Tell us about the back of the bag. We went back to the back for the back of the bag update. BOTB, uh, back of the bag update. It, I looked at it and I was like 150 calories.

I was like, damn, that's pretty good for, for this bag of Pirates booty. I started eating it, was watching, uh, you know, had Monday night football on the background was eating this, this Pirates booty. And I was the cheddar blast, which spoiler alert is my favorite one. And it's the best one. Yeah. And then I looked at the bag and I was like, Oh wait, it's four, four servings per container.

This is, this bag is six. Cause there, it's also like it wasn't like a ton in here. No. Oh, so this is 600 calories to eat this whole bag. This is, this is junk food. It's, I mean, like, not that I didn't think it was junk food anyways, but I was like, this is just as bad as, as Doritos or whatever, as far as calorically. Is that your final word on back of the bag?

That's, that is my final word on back of the bag. I, cool. And that's back of the bag. Sound effect. Back of the bag. A mini segment, a whooshing sound effect. A new mini segment. Unfortunately, I spit out a cheddar blast, a pirate booty into my hand.

We're going to have to, Hodgman, I think just like, um, James Earl Jones, we're going to have to have you sign off on us using your voice clip of you saying back of the bag and that's back of the bag. We're going to use it on every Doughboys episode from here on out. Yeah. Well, we'll generate it by AI, but we are going to need you to sign a waiver. No, no, that's fine. Pass the date of all of our deaths.

I said, so it says here, I'm, I'm looking at back of the bag. There's a little game for kids. I did see this to help crunchy hunt for treasure. I guess that's the name of the parrot. Crunchy, too easy. The game's too easy. The game is too easy. You're supposed to find items, a shell and a dolphin and a fish and an anchor and

a bottle and a hook and a. That's too fucking easy. A bottle, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Wow. Okay. I will say the two bags I have have different games on the back. They're both different treasure hunts. Hmm.

Okay. Yeah. One of the things I notice here is that pirate brands, although it is owned by affinity brands, which is owned by Hershey's, they make a big play of saying the pirate brands itself is located in Austin, Texas, which is another kind of like blue, red state virtue signaling. Yes. For, for answers, visit pirate brands.com slash games.

Kids get permission before going online, covering all the bases. Mitch, I don't know if this game is too easy. I think this is because like the skull, for instance, is hidden as one of the coconuts. That's a little bit. Yeah, look for that. You know, also on the back of your, on the back of your bag, it's jigsaw is there and it says want to play a game.

It seems a little more serious. Yeah. The back of my bag is there's like a corpse lying on the floor of a bathroom. The crab is the same color as the sale. This isn't this. Look, this is for kids. I think this is appropriate difficulty for a child. Waldo would find that easy.

Why is it easy as hell? I was an expert at high at subterfuge and at camouflage. So like, of course, he'd know all the tricks. Here's the deal. I am just snacking on these right now and honestly having a good time. But we got to get, we got to get this, we got to get this point across. Hodgeman, you and I know this. Nick does not is that Pirates Booty and Pirates Booty Blast come in these

little, little, what are these little shape, little, little, uh, shrimp, little shrimp shapes. They're like extruded lumps. Yes. Little, little, it depends on how you, they're kind of like use, little use, like they're very curled. They got a tight curl to them. Why, I mean, look, I'm not going to say what they look like, but because I'm, I, I run a family friendly podcast called the Judge John Hodgman podcast, but why are

you two holding back? I mean, I hear more about small penises on this podcast than any other podcast. If I listen to him, that includes small penis review. If you pull down my pants, you're going to find the treasure of a Pirates of a singular Pirates Booty, Colonel. It does look like a small flaccid penis that, that, that, but like really he's got a curve to it. Yeah.

This is like, usually like, like when you're talking penises this size, it's just, it's just, I'm, why did you make me have to say it? Why were you that you are setting me up for that, Mitch? You were like, uh, Hodgman, you know what this looks like, right? Like, no, I don't know you, I know, maybe because I, you know, maybe I don't want to say that I have a Pirates, I'm, I'm hung like Pirates Booty. Man, I don't want to, I don't want to do it anymore.

There we go. That's the drop right there. Go for it. Drop master, dread pirate, drop master, whatever. They look like little shrimpies and a lot of things look like little shrimpies. Uh, but quite a curve. Like why? I don't want to start an internet thing, but I found a shrimp in my.

Oh boy. Make, take some pics of that. I found a, I found, I found a shrimp shell in mine. Wow. It's so funny that he made that up. I don't know what you're talking about. It's real. Like me, so phonia, it is real.

I, I before, before everyone sours on this podcast, I will say these, these cheddar blasted ones taste sour to me. I like them, but they are, they are so cheesy that they get a little, they're, they are almost on the cusp of putrid. And I could see that people being like, like, oh, it's like, it's like sour cream that's turned. Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly what it's like.

And you kind of get the sense of desperation that they're like, yeah, it's like pirate booty, but these, we're going to have them have flavor now. Yeah. And that just went too far. It's probably why, it's probably why I like them the best, but Hodgman. Yeah. Cause you love drink, you love eating turned sour cream. This will not become my hot salad.

Um, we got to talk about the smart puffs also kind of look like small, flaccid little guys. Um, they're all the same. How are they any different? They're, but these are different. These are tubes. These, these are different. These are, I, I, these are little two bees.

These are a little too tight curl to it. Yeah. They're a little straighter. All right. Let me, I'm going to open this up. Sorry. Mesa phonics. This is going to take a little while.

I'm sorry. It's really hard for me to get a grip. I apologize. All right. Here we go. One, two, no, not quite. They're going to be mad. No, it's not quite all the way open yet.

Okay. Whoa. Wow. I just got a powerful whiff of rotten sour cream. Mitch, you'd love these. Oh boy. Was it Daniel's hat? These don't, these are straighter.

These are straighter. Yeah, it's true. These are the cosmic. These are the smart puffs, the cosmic white cheddar. Now I like the mouth feel of these better these little, also little, little, uh, little mitches, these little, these little, these little, but they're, they're, they're more just straight out. But I like the, I like the, why, why, why just say it?

These are, these are too messent and the other ones are flaccid. Yes. Yes. These are fully engorged. Gosh. Okay. Now I'm going to, now I'm going to eat this. The crunch in the mouth feel of these ones are better.

I think they are better. Yeah. They're better lighter. I wish I had the fucking smart puffs. Damn it. Yeah. You really blew it. We need smart puff blasts.

Give us the smart puff blasts. You're talking about combining hang on, hang on, uh, Pirates Booty HQ in Austin, Texas, uh, Mitch is about to change the game. He's about, he's talking about taking the smart puffs texture, which is, which is 7% less mealy than regular Pirates Booty. That's right. And adding that great rotten sour cream taste. Yes.

Then that marks the, the cheddar blast. And put Einstein back on there with the pirates, make Einstein a pirate. That's fun. That'd be fun. Einstein is a pirate to honor the old brand that we all know and love so well. The original smart puffs. E equals MC squared. That's pretty good.

All right. That's very good. She, he'll say, she, she's equals MC YAR. How about that? There you go. Uh, look, we gotta, we should get to our final thoughts on, on Pirates Booty. So Hodgman, a veteran of this podcast, you know how this works. We'll each go around, give her a closing argument, if you will.

I don't know how this works because normally it's a restaurant. Normally it's a restaurant, but it's a say, actually, and you know what? This is, this is a segment. Normally it's a restaurant. This is an episode for, uh, we could go for, we could go for, we could go for a full of an hour on this episode. We're at the hour, Mark. And I was going to say that this is, you are, you are correct though, to, to bring

up that you, to bring up that you don't know how this works because this is a different rating scale. Uh, this is via our, uh, well, we hatched this with our buddy Griffin Newman on this past Tuesday's, uh, Doughboy's double where we, we, we watched Muppets Treasure Island. Oh, that makes sense. Griffin Newman, also a star of Dicktown on Vulu, by the way. Love, Griff.

And, uh, and our scale, Mitch is out of pieces of eight. Oh, so five, five pieces of eight pieces of eight, um, zero to five pieces of eight. Also Hodgman, you could alpha him right now and say, that's some double shit. This is what it's going to be for the mainline episode. You could just fucking, you could alpha him. If you want to, no, no, no, no, wait a minute.

You're saying that the Muppets Treasure Island is on the Patreon for this? Yeah, it's on the Patreon. Yeah. Well, I'm not trying to alpha anybody, but it's inappropriate that, uh, this be on the main feed. It's simply not appropriate. All right. You can factor that into your score.

So your thoughts, especially since it's me instead of Griffin, who would be great, but anyway, go on. From zero to five pieces of eight, uh, your score, it should be zero to eight pieces of eight for it to make sense. We talked about that. And it's zero to five zero to five comparing them against each other or against food that I want to eat. I think just like, what would you rate this?

Okay. You know what, let's just say snack or whack. I'm going to, oh, that's a fun segment. Hang on. I'm going to go, I'm going to go backwards through these again, just to get it. Okay. Great. And, and mesophonics, this is going to be fast.

Don't worry about it. Okay. Great. Hmm. Mart Puff. Not a ton of taste to it, but it is extra crunchy, but. Mm hmm. Hmm.

Is that the regular Pirate Spooty? No, that's a cheddar blast. I said rotten sour cream before, but I'm going to say rancid creme fresh. Wow. Hmm. And here comes the Pirate Spooty. And by the way, it's now been 13 minutes since I opened this bag. We'll see how stale they are.

Oh, wow. Already stale. Packing peanuts, packing peanuts at this point. Yeah, it's a bummer. It is, they are so much like packing peanuts. That is, they really are. If you have, um, like a damp basement, spread these around. You know what I mean?

If you have water in your basement or, or if you don't, I can't afford to decommit a fire in your closet, just sprinkle these around like mothballs. So why it's probably won't like this, but if, as an experiment, any listener out there, if you want to send a singular egg in a package filled with, build with Pirate Spooty to see if it breaks, to the, to the Doughboys PO box. I think it would be worth it. Please don't, please don't ship us any loose eggs. They're so mad at us.

They hate us. The FedExit then. DM me, I'll give you, I'll give you my home address DM me. I'll, and you can send it right to my home. Yeah. Send it to Mitch's old address. If your child is cranky or you have an egg to ship Pirate Spooty, you know, it ship it to yourself, take a picture and send it to us.

How about that? That's so easily faked. You could easily ship a single egg. That's fantastic. One egg with Pirate Spooty as its protector. I wonder if it will work. I don't know. I'll give you my final, my final thoughts now or, or, please.

Okay. Your thoughts, your pieces of eight score. This was very nostalgic for me. And, and nostalgia is one of the prime movers of this podcast because why else would you be eating at all these garbage restaurants for years after years of not trying to recapture some sense of life that you had when you were a child and could eat whatever you wanted and enjoy garbage for food. So in that sense, I was glad to go back down this road because my kids ate a lot

of this booty. Wow. And we didn't have, I'll tell you, I'll tell you something back in my day. We didn't have, we didn't have any cheddar blasts. We didn't have, we didn't have pirate themed smart puffs. We had Einstein themed smart buffs. Uh, we had veggie booty. I remember eating so much of that green veggie booty because we had tricked ourselves

so hard into believing that was good for our kids. I do remember the veggie booty. I do remember that. I remember it too. Yeah. The veggie booty was good. And you know what? It was so, it was much better than anything that I tried today.

I argue, I'd venture to say it was worth the salmonella. Worth the salmonella. Bring it back. Bring it back. Pirate brands or whatever you're called, Hershey's. Bring it back. I have to say the fact that the pirate booty went instantly stale is also part of the charm. Like I remember coming back from the park and there was a half, you know, a half

Ziploc bag of pirates booty that my child hadn't eaten and I was starving. And of course, food that is not eaten by your child has zero calories. So I would shove that into my mouth to just try to stay, to stay awake for another hour until I could be an adult again and they could go to sleep. And the mealiness really, there's a, there is a, just feeling this thing dissolve in your, in your, you know, how people love Captain Crunch because it destroys the roof of your mouth, has that agro mouthfeel. This is just like surrender in your mouth.

It's like, it was a mouthfeel that explained how I felt as a parent of a young child. Just like, oh, I give up. So even though, I mean, frankly, the less flavor, the better, because I was really put off by the cheddar blast and I didn't want the smart puffs either. So I'm going to give the pirates booty a ridge. Well, let's go backwards. One piece of eight for the cheddar blast. Sorry.

Wow. Oh man. Well, you know, what it makes me think of, if they're, because they used to do flavors, they used to do ranch flavor, they used to do a nacho flavor. If they did a blue cheese flavor, that's, this is tipping over into blue cheese. I think it would come around and I'd like it, but this cheddar blast is not for me. And the smart puffs is neither here nor there. Uh, give me the original pirates booty.

I get one, one piece of eight for both of those and reg pirates booty. I'll give, uh, uh, four pieces of eight out of five pieces of eight. Wow. Or, wow. Well, let me tell you about the true, the true goal, the true treasure, me hearties. I'm not a crunchy Cheetos person. They're not Cheetos person. Yeah.

I like the buffs too. And I love a, I love a planters cheese ball, but even that gets, even that gets a little too intense for me, but you know what, when I had to get that, uh, the, the cheddar blasted, I had to order, I had to order it in at the last minute. I had to find some place that had it in the neighborhood. You know where they had it, Mitch? Where's that? Would you believe that Brooklyn, New York has a stop and shop?

Wow. I swear to God, I was going to say stop and shop. I love it. Stop and shop. There's a stop and shop in Brooklyn and you can get all kinds of weird stuff at the stop and shop in Brooklyn. Not even New England stuff. You can get Taylor pork roll at the stop and shop in Brooklyn.

You know what they had there? I only ever see this in Maine. Jacks. Wow, look at those. Jacks. Wow. Look at that. Cheese, real cheddar cheese puff curls.

This is what, this is what five out of eight pieces of eight, five out of five pieces of eight taste likes. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Even the Mesa Fonics, they're like, I love the sound of this. Look at these. Whoa, look at that. Look at the twist on those. Beautiful golden curls. Oh my goodness.

Those look like real, real men curls right there too, by comparison. Oh my God, I wish I could make a wig out of these Jacks and I would have beautiful golden curls wearing them around town. This is the great, this is the greatest cheese puff there is. I couldn't believe I actually could get them today. So sorry, Pirate's Booty, but this is the, this is the, this is the Davy Jones locker. This is the treasure that I'm going to. And I'm not going to share it with you.

Sorry, it all, it all goes into my, it all goes into the cave of my mouth, the secret cave of my mouth. Wow. I'm envious. Those look fantastic. So I'm going to say, Hodgman, you, you gave, you evaluated three products and you gave a total of six pieces of eight among them. So it's cumulative.

Yeah. So maybe I think that averages out to two pieces of eight. Yes. Two pieces of eight in total. The whole thing gets two, two and a half pieces of eight. Two and a half pieces of eight out of five. Okay, great. Straight down the middle.

Go ahead, Spoonman. Well, you know, I, Hodgman, I actually was looking at stop. I was on a Instacart just trying to see where, where places where they had all the Pirate's booty. That's what I, I did my due diligence swags. And I was looking around. Sure you were. And I also, I have stop and shop in LA.

No, then, then on the, on the dose cord, we were talking about friendly Sundays. Wait, you have stuff flown in from stop and shop? No, no, no, no, no. Then on the dose card, yeah. How do I get the Instacart to connect to Quincy? By the way, while we're doing, on our oops, all plugs episode, we should plug as Mitch is just mentioning our discord server, the dose cord, which you can join by the platinum plate club.

And also if you join the platinum plate club, you have special edited episodes for people with mesophonia, where all the crinklies and crunchies are taken out. So that's another perk. I want, I want to see an independent film about an Instacart employee in Quincy who has to bring Mitch a bag of pirate booty from across the country. I did not order on Instacart to LA anything from, from Quincy. I went on Instacart because on the dose cord, we talked about

friendly Sundays, John Hodgman. And which we reviewed, but you can get this, you can get this, you can get the store, you can get the store friendlies Sundays wise. They come in little cups. And so I was looking at those and I was, I was just looking at that at the stop and shop in Quincy. Then I also searched for minty toilet paper because it was an idea I discussed on dose cord.

I want to see if it existed. Minty toilet paper did not exist. It turns out. So like, like a, like a, we were saying like a new port, like a, I think Sean's like a, like a menthol. Yeah. Like a menthol toilet paper. It doesn't exist.

Um, anyways, appropriately. So yeah, why would that exist? You want to feel like that's going to feel like dip your toilet paper in some scope or some, you know, listerine and then see what happens. It could be a thing. Anyways, yeah. Well, okay. You made it up.

I, I have never tasted these through the mouth of a child. And I, unless I'm reincarnated or by the time we become old men, uh, there's some sort of machine that can, can, can transfer you into a child's body or whatever the, whatever grim thing will happen. So I don't know, you can find a genie and be reverse big. All right. So that's an option. First big reverse big.

Yeah. So you think that that's just as good of an option as. Science finding ways me. I find genie. Well, yeah, you find like the, the, the, you know, whatever, the great Xarthov or whatever it is from the carnival, Xarthov, what's his name? I don't, I think it's Zoltan or Zoltan is fantastic. All right.

So you find Xarthov in a carnival. He's the one who, whoever, you just launched a new game of throne spin off. So many, so many spin offs here. All right. Go ahead. I want to try this through the, I want to try this through them all of it. I want to try this for the first time as a child. I think that it would hit differently, obviously.

I, I, but for me, when I, the first time I had these, I didn't, I thought they were straight up bad, but on this trip, when I got these new pirates booties, the cheddar blast, the regular pirates booty in the, in the smart puffs, I was a little, I thought they were better than I remembered them being. Um, I think that they go stale quickly. I don't like the mealy texture. I think I do like the smart poofs for like, because they're a little bit more crunchy, but the taste is lacking except for the cheddar blast, which are my

favorite. If I had to give the cheddar, cheddar blasts are probably like a three and a half close to a four, maybe. Wow. Um, cause I like the cheddar blasts, but overall, I'm going to give the, I'm going to give pirates booty overall 2.75 forks. Wow. Good score.

Higher than I thought. Pieces of eight. 2.7. Yes. That's right. 2.75 pieces of eight yard out of five, yard, yard. And you know what? They don't have to walk the plank wigs.

Wow. Planker stank. Planker stank. That's the, they have, they don't have to walk the stank. You, Hodgman, you have to say whether you, they have, they, they have to walk the plank as well. That's a part of it in a, in these episodes. 2.75 pieces of eight and they don't have to walk the plank.

I'm comparing these things against movies and maybe, maybe restaurants that you go to. Maybe. All right. No, I don't think honestly, big maybe. I don't think they have to walk the plank or the stank. I think that they can stick around, but, but bring back veggie booty. I agree.

They don't have to walk the plank or the stank. I, they, they are, they, these are fine. I mean, this is, I think you both have made, have made all the points that, that can be made about the, the, the texture and the taste. I'm going to add a couple of things. Okay. First off, unlike a lot of other cheesy, poofy concepts, they don't leave a lot of residue on your fingies.

And that's a big thing. That's a big plus. Look, I like that residue. I've, I found some, I found some, you know, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll have them flaming hot Cheetos. I found some flaming hot puffs, Cheetos puffs in the wild at my liquor store. And those were delightful. But, you know, and Mitch knows this, Mitch has seen this.

A lot of times I'll, I'll, I'll end up eating them with chopsticks because I just don't want to get all the residue all over my fingies. These, I don't have to worry about doing that with the pirates booty. So that's a plus. I had, I had maybe three jacks and I'm afraid to touch my computer at this point. Yeah. So we have, you just have to hang up on me eventually. Cause I can't sign off.

I'll just be podcasting until two AM. The other element that I think should be remarked on, and I think I, am I, I'd like you to weigh in on this, uh, as the, uh, as the, uh, the youngest person here and as a fan of the program, I believe that the pirates booty mascot resembles quagmire from family guy. And it looks like Mr. Tweed, it does look like, you know what, it's more like Mr. Tweed.

I'm glad I consulted you. He does have a kind of a family guy, Seth MacFarlane, sort of aesthetic to him. And, uh, I like that element. I thought you were going to say he was a hunk. No, he's not a hunk. He's kind of weird looking. All right. Yeah.

Well, weird looking. He's got a little pencil mustache and it's sort of a lascivious grin. Yeah. He's kind of, he's kind of a freak. It's kind of not someone you want to be hanging around your children. The pirates, the, the, the parrot is pretty good though. I like the parrot. I like the mascot.

Reminds me of quagmire and Mr. Tweed, uh, Mr. Tweed, it might be weed. I was just thinking that I think it's Mr. Tweed, Mr. Tweed, we know who Mr. Tweed is here, Ms. Tweed, I'm Ms.

Tweed, but yeah, it's Mr. Tweed, my bad guys. Are we mad? It's all right. This is this, we've, we've, we're wrapped to, I think, four Emma Goofs over the course of the, the Doe Boys podcast, the four plus years you've been with us. I think that's the fourth mistake. One goof per year, one year per year, annual goof.

Yeah. Uh, these don't have to walk the stank and I, I'm going to give them two pieces of eight out of five, just cause I think like I, I just rather have other snacks. I had a good crunch, but I rather have other snacks. Uh, look, we're going to take a break. Uh, we're going to go on shore leave and we're going to be right back with more Doe Boys. You know, Mitch, you're about to take a little trip abroad.

You're going to Costa Rica. That's right. Why? So I'm going to Costa Rica with the family. It's going to be a lot of fun. Going to maybe see a monkey. Oh, that's fun. Going to maybe see a bird.

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slash dough boys. That's Babel.com slash dough boys for up to 55% off your subscription. Babel language for life. Welcome back to dough boys as we continue. Yarked dough bar chest 2022. And yes, John Hodgman dough bar chest. Hodgman is here and Mitch, if you can put yourself in the correct temporal space, we're recording this on a Tuesday, as Hodgman said,

but this episode is releasing on a Thursday. And the Thursday it's releasing on is October 6th. Do you know the significance of that date? Wow, why is it my birthday? That's right. This episode is out on your birthday. HPD to the Spoon Man. Everyone wants to throw an HPD Spoon Man in the chat.

So I am 40 years old. Wow. As of this release, this is 40. I am. This is 40. Wow. Congratulations, Mitch. Very happy birthday to you.

Thank you. Great birthday. Old piece of shit. I'm as old as Weigher. Now it sucks. I'm going to tell you my 40s, my 40s were incredible. Really? My 40s are going great so far.

I'm loving my 40s. 40s are fantastic. The 40s are fantastic. Once you hit 50. You start trying to find that genie to make you small again. Zarthrov. Zarthrov. Actually, it's more like Zarthrov just come and just disappear me.

That's probably what should happen. Well, everyone told me they were like, they're like, your 20s, they're going to be fun. And then they're like, the 30s were actually where you're going to have fun. And now I'm looking for a good one. I'm looking for a good decade. Give me a good decade. The 40s, I feel good about the 40s.

I think you do well in the 40s. Yeah. Well, what happens is when you're in your 40s, when you turn 40, people give you whatever you want, like a whole month about pirates. It's a big birthday. You have to, OK, we'll have to do the pirate thing. All right. It is your birthday month.

Yeah. Wow. Mitchy, Mitchy wants a pirate themed birthday. He gets one. Well, we all have to wear these funny hats and fake eye patches or else we get sent out into the cornfield. I get you. OK.

That is true. Pirate, Mitchy, special day. I'm 40. Fuck. This is this is Amelia's pitch because it's your birthday, Mitch. I mean cupcakes in in in a I mean cupcakes out of the trash behind the alley in my house. Speaking of cupcakes, what you think of as pie.

This is a cake related segment is pitched by Amelia for your birthday. Wow, Amelia. It's time to play the family food. Wow. Yeah. As we hear the theme song for family food, the Richard Karn era remix of the theme. What a good theme song. The concept is most popular cake flavors in the world.

Wow. Top six answers are on the board. Wow. Most popular cake flavors. Most popular cake flavors in the world and I should note this is important. This was this is based on search trends in all languages. So this is not necessarily just the English speaking world. Although, you know, is that much of a clue we'll find out.

So top six answers are on the board. Birthday boy, Spoon Man, you can go first. Wow. All right. I guess I just got to say it. Yellow cake, birth, you know, the yellow cake flavor. Hmm. Ah, I'll leave it to the judges.

Show me yellow cake. Oh, no, unfortunately, get a strike right away, Mitch. Wow. How about that? Yeah. Hodgman, did you why did you why put the jacks off your the cheesy jacks off your fingers? Well, I wiped them. I went and rinsed off my hands and I washed them and I dried them.

Doe boys have had some cheesy jacks in our day. Why do you ask? Because I don't want your computer. Doe boys have my computer is fine. Doe boys have had some cheesy jacks in our days, but also I didn't want, I didn't want the, I didn't want the cheese from the, I think that's how Y2K happened is the cheesy jacks fingers. No, I walked all the, I walked all the puffs and jacks out into the next room

where our friend David Reese is staying in New York and he's out there and he's currently editing his podcast, which is election profit makers, which is a great fun podcast for this friend, John Kibble, all plugs. In any case, I said, do you want some pirates booty? And he made a horrible face. And I said, do you want some jacks? And he said, what are those? I'm like, they're good.

And he said, yeah, I'll eat those. And that's, there we go. Tell him we said, tell him we said hello. I will. Was he also relieved to not be doing do boys? Wildly relieved. I got a strike already on my birthday, a birthday strike. Go ahead.

I get a birthday strike. You said yellow cake. You said yellow cake was the guess. Yellow cake, not on the board, not in the top six. Right. I just like it. So I had a guess. So now I have an opportunity to go or what happened?

Yes, your opportunity, you guys are just going to take turns guessing. Look, I know what number one is. Everyone knows what number one is. Yes. People who are listening to this in cars have driven off the road because they're so mad. I liked going with yellow cake for the first one. I know what it is.

I know where your head was. Because it's your birthday. I'm not going to, I'm not going to take number one from you. Thank you. I'm curious to see whether birthday cake is on there. The term birthday cake. Show me birthday cake. Wow.

Unfortunately, also gets a strike birthday cake. Technically, birthday cake is not what look, I appreciate that's not the answer they were looking for, but that was, I was trying to give this is my birthday gift to you, Mitchie. I appreciate that. Yes, we have to let you win all the games, Mitch. I will, and maybe we can say it at the same time here. For my answer, we both have a strike now.

This is this very kind, this is a birthday gift to me. Three, two, one. Chocolate Oreo cheesecake with sprinkles. Chocolate cake survey says. Good answer. Wow. Yeah, good answer. Sound effect from the Super Nintendo home version of Family Feud has played.

Did not come through. I did it. No, I heard it. It was it was faint. I was fine. But you know, I mean, you've, I'm sure Emma has explained to you that you don't have to play the sound effects live. Yeah, but it's more fun this way.

I think it can be dropped in. They can be dropped in like. Wait, was that was that the number one spot? Yeah, yeah. Number one, chocolate cake. Number one, yeah, number one, number one with a with a bullet made of frosting. All right, Mitch has one and one strike. Hodgman, your turn.

I'm going to come up with another cake. Um, five answers left on the board. Top six cakes in the world. I want to say cheesecake, but they're going to be people yelling at me that cheesecake is not a cake. It's a pie. Wow. I'm going to say it anyway, cheesecake.

I like cheesecake. I like cheesecake. Show me cheesecake. Wow. No, I'm sorry. You have a second strike. I deserve the strike and I deserve all the letters that I'm going to get. Cake.

Oh, I got one. My answer is angel food cake. Hmm. Well, you've thrown on devil's food cake with chocolate cake. Does angels food cake accompany it? Survey says. No, no, I'm sorry. Fuck.

Wait, what is happening? You both have two strikes. Mitch has one point. So Mitch is in the lead. Okay. But, but these, this is, it's elimination time. If I get another strike, I can stop. Get another strike.

You're out. And Mitch, Mitch wins by default. Yeah. You, I mean, you, you can stop. All right. We can move on. Let me think of another cake. No birthday cake, no yellow cake.

There are some big ones on here in the top six. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know one. There are some big ones. There's some big ones. Yeah. A couple, a couple of surprises, but, but there's no, there's no hints. There's some big ones. The problem is in the all plugs department is listeners to the judge John

Hodgman podcast. No, I don't have a sweet tooth. I have an alcohol molar. So it's hard for me to. Right. Name a lot of cakes. That's why I like cheesecake because it's one of the more savory cakes. I'm just buying, I'm just trying to buy for buying time now at this point.

This probably isn't even a cake, but like a tiramisu. I'm giving this one to, to Mitchy, pirate Mitchy. I like it. Yeah. Uh, show me tiramisu. Yeah. Yeah. You get three strikes, great and bowling, bad in family food cake.

Hold on, I'm, I'm, I know, hold on. I want to guess. I want to, I want to guess. All right, Mitchy, keep, keep guessing till you get three strikes. Hodgman, thank you for, thank you for all my birthday for letting me win. Also, my microphone head smells pretty funky. I think it maybe is from the Pirates booty. Uh, anyways, um, where you been putting that thing?

I haven't been putting it anywhere. Jesus. What have you been recording? It might be time for a new pop filter. Yeah. Just say he's been doing some minty microphone, uh, experiments. Yeah. Why's red velvet cake is the one that we forgot velvet cake.

That's a good one. Wow. I bet you that's up there. Good answer. Good answer. It is, as we hear the good answer sting. So that's two out of super Nintendo game out of the six worldwide top cakes. It's number two, Mitch has, Mitch has the top two.

Can I go, can I go for a third? Yes, go for it. I mean, I just don't cause Hodgman, I'm with you. This is a weird one, but like, but is vanilla cake? Is that one? Show me vanilla cake. You get three strikes because it can't be that cause vanilla is not a flavor. How dare you?

Good point. Three, three strikes. It would be like eating cake, it would be like eating cake with COVID. You can't taste anything. It's like, it's like eating, it's like, it would be like eating a pirate booty the next day. I mean, I guess there's a texture there. Hodgman Weigar's made it so that I have also lost on my birthday.

Thanks. Well, no, you've won. You won already won. You're just playing for funsies. Here's the rest of the. Yeah, let's hear what the rest. There's going to be some international ones up there, right? Yeah, we'll work our way up from number six.

Lemon cake, how about lemon? Ooh, lemon cake. Lemon cake, lemon cake is outside of the top six, but it is in the top 10. It's outside of the top six. All right, give us the top six. Here's the stashio cake. Like what the hell is going on here?

Number six, number six, popular in Deutschland, black forest cake. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Isn't that just chocolate cake? That's like a very intense chocolate cake. Yeah, it's a different, different sort. And by the way, it's always red velvet cake.

Well, all right. Here's number five is supermarket layer cake. Number five, maybe it's popular down under, because it's pineapple upside down cake. Oh, come on. Come, that's not even, no. That's not, that's. Now, number four, I think it was less of a cake.

I got number four. Show me Fudgy the Whale. Caravelle's Fudgy the Whale, not on here, but what is on here is banana cake, which I don't think of as, as I think of like a banana bread or a banana cream pie, but I'm sure internationally. Banana cake is like, maybe, you know. What's the source of, what's the source of this?

Never mind. This is a, she had a couple, hold on, I'll bring up the sources. It's dipshits.org. No, I want to, it's not dipshits.org. Amelia Center Sources. Parishablenews.com and leisurecooker.co.uk. Well, that all sounds very authoritative, so. It's based on the Google search trends in all languages in 2019.

So, you know, maybe it's changed over the years. I know for a fact more people have been googling Fudgy the Whale than Black Forest Cake for any number of reasons. That's true. Go on. Number three, I think you would have gotten, if you, if you thought a little bit more mainstream, this is the kind of cake that perhaps Bugs Bunny might enjoy on his birthday.

Carrot cake. Carrot cake. Yeah, that's a classic, that's a classic cake. And then you got red velvet and chocolate cake to round out the top six. Hey, that was Family Food Cake Edition. The Brits fucked us again, Wags, even though most pirates were British, weren't they?

Were they? I thought so. I thought they were a lot of pirates. I wouldn't know if I'd say most. They were, they were, yeah, they were, they were often hired by the British. OK. To, to, as privateers, to, to raid the Spanish ships.

Rest in peace to the Queen. What a cool word. Rest in peace to the Queen. What a tribute. And timely too. Everyone's been waiting. When are the Doughboys going to say something about? Silence is deafening.

The Death of Queen Elizabeth II. Yeah. Now they know they've been preparing this tribute for so long. RIP Queen Elizabeth, congrats to King Andrew. And a happy birthday to the Spoon Man. Thank you, Wags. Just like a restaurant, about your feedback. Let's open the feedback.

Wags, when I go, I want to burial at sea, toss me out to sea. Feed those, feed those fish for a while. Yeah. Today's emails from David B. and Chrissy. They write. Wait, wait, wait, is that the end of the segment? Yeah, that was the end of family food. That's your new episode.

Every segment should be an episode now. What? You were going to say something I stepped on you with, with my burial at sea. Did you have something to say? No, no, I wasn't. I was going to make that lame observation that every segment should be an episode, apparently. Oops, all segments. Oops, all sags.

Fuck, that's good. This is an unbelievable start to Yark Dober Chest, I think. The rest of the month is planned. It's taken care of. What? It's going to be fine. It's incredible. Yeah, that's right.

That's right. There's multiple people have tried to help us with the rest of the. The logistics are sorted. It's all fine. Never a grand ship has been launched with more fanfare and celebration since 1911. E-B-H-M-S Titanic, R.I.P. The Queen. She doesn't look better than Britannia.

Oh, boy. That was the end of Family Food Cake Edition, just like a restaurant we value feedback. Yeah, right. So far, the feedback. David, we have an email from David B. and Chrissy. You write, Hello, Doughboys, Emma and Distinguished Guest. Wow. Wow. How about this?

I didn't know this was coming. Vanilla is a flavor. Birthday is a flavor. Sea salt is a flavor. But should anything be allowed to be a flavor? Some flavors do not pull their weight and stand on their own. Lavender and sweet cream are taking up valuable spots in the ice cream counter. Wow.

Some flavors need to be removed. Which one should get the ax? This is for the good of the species because if everything is a flavor, then anything is a flavor. And also everything is a flavor. Wow. Thanks, David, being Chrissy. Any cuts we should make? Any existing flavors?

I don't know if I need that flavor anymore. Am I wrong about this? I thought sweet cream ice cream was like the base flavor of all ice creams. Like ice cream is sweet cream, and then they add the flavors to it. I think I learned that on the Doughboys podcast at one point or another. Because I like sweet cream ice cream. Me too. Yeah, I like a sweet cream.

I like a sweet cream quite a bit. And I like a lavender too. I don't know if I cut lavender. I think lavender has its place. I mean, everything is a flavor. What flavor is chamomile? Chamomile? Chamomile?

Chamomile. What the hell is chamomile? It's a herb. Yeah. It's gone. It's cut. Wow. So no more chamomile tea.

He's the birthday boy. Are we talking about ice cream flavor, cake flavor, tea flavor, or any kind of flavor? I'll tell you one flavor that I don't need, personally. Let's hear it. Butterscotch. Not a thing. Wow. That stuff, you know what is?

A little loose. I don't know if it's like... Why is it cringy with you? No, it's a big flavor. I used to like butterscotch pudding, but I think maybe it's time. Maybe we should retire butterscotch because I think caramel does what butterscotch does better. Do we need butterscotch? Yeah, or toffee.

Yeah, butterscotch, get it out of there. I'm with you. Now I'm happy the Queen's gone. A grandma is everywhere. This is devastating news to hear butterscotch is gone. I'm lucky the Queen didn't have to hear this. You know, I was in the grocery store looking for Pirate's booty. Likewise, but I eventually ended up finding all three.

And I saw back at Doritos Tangy Tamarind. Oh, that's fun. I like a tamarind. So maybe some new flavors coming around, but look. That's a Dorito. That's the national brand Doritos. A new Dorito. Tangy Tamarind.

I've been to it. Very interesting. I wonder if I'll take one. Coming from the Dorito kid himself. That's good. Tangy Tamarind. I got to be a bystander in a tamarind-adjacent scenario. I got to be the fixer.

We were at El Torrito. And this guy next to this table, this guy, we're sitting at the bar, and the guy next to us was ordering like a Jamaica drink. But he thought it was pronounced Jamaica. And so he was like, hey, what's Jamaican about this? And the waiter didn't understand because the waiter was like, well, no, it's Jamaica. It's, you know, like he was like, and I had, I like interjected.

I said, like, it's, Jamaica is different from Jamaica. It's like a different thing. Like they're not connected. They're spelled the same, but they're not the same thing. And the guy like, they both like thanked me for clearing things up because there was just like, you know, they, they, they couldn't, they couldn't make heads or tails of it. But I, a third party was able to clear up the misunderstanding.

Um, anyway, Jamaica is good. Uh, it's a good anecdote. I honestly, I don't know what that is. Jamaica. It's like, well, you'll find like a Tamarindo or a, or a Jamaica, like out of the same fountain at like a taqueria. Oh, okay. They're, they're, yeah, they're, they're like, after you like went away

where they're like, well, thanks a lot. Fucking weirdo. Like we didn't need this guy to come over to our fucking table and break into the conversation. Also, I noticed you were confused about ordering. Let me help you. Jesus Christ. Also you, you jumping into a conversation.

It's just not normal. I'll talk to it. No, I'll talk to it. I know, I know you, you, you, you, you, you did the opposite of the advice as children, which is don't talk to strangers. That's all you do. You don't talk to strangers. You don't talk to friends.

Yeah, I talked to. Love to spin off podcast. Nick Weigar is live on the street. You're pronouncing it wrong, buddy. Just harassing people. Here's the thing. A lot of my friends are people like, like Hodgman and Mitch, who are, are, are people who, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Roll that back. And you know what? Roll it back for me too. Professional colleagues. All right. Some of my colleagues, Emma's, Emma's my friend. Weigar, Weigar, I'm your friend. People who what Weigar, people who what?

People who are great talkers. And so a lot of times I find myself in a social situation. I'm just enjoying everyone's company and enjoying listening. I don't have to, I don't have to, like, I don't, I'm not on the clock. I don't have to, to, to make the time to hit the ad breaks in a podcast. I could just enjoy everyone's conversation. I think it's also funny that you've leveled with me a quote unquote good talker, uh, which I am, I'm not, but, uh, you're a good conversationalist.

Thank you, Weigar. Uh, it just, it, it, it always sucks. I think it's fair to say Weigar, Weigar steers the ship of this podcast. Yes. With a firm hand. Yes. While Pirate Mitchie drinks out of a, a keg of rum and I'm singing Yoho, Yoho.

Yoho, Yoho, Yoho is my life for me. While sitting on the poophole below deck some of the time. I can understand why Weigar might want to take a break from conversation, from, from leading the conversation from time to time. And Emma's actually in a room below Weigar actually steering the ship with a. Yes. Yeah, right. Everyone knows it.

Yeah, we put a fake wheel in his room just to keep him busy. I'm a steering it via remote control from Mainz and thank God. I, as far as the cut is concerned, I'll give two candidates. One is I'm a little worn out by compound flavors. You mentioned Doritos, but I'm seeing this more with like, Lays will have like, we've got biscuits and gravy, like flavored chips. And I'm just like, I don't, don't get me, don't try to give a, an entire BLT, a chip flavor.

So compound flavors, I say, get those out of there. Keep them simple. Another one I've always had an aversion to, and you know, maybe some people fancy this. So that's fine. I don't want to yuck anyone's yum. So sour cream and onion is out. You just don't want any of those.

No, no, no, no, no. Sour cream and onion is okay. Like that's, that to me is like, that's not too, but if you're going to, if you're going to call it like sour cream and onion, loaded baked potato, like that's the kind of thing of just like, now you're trying to accomplish a dish. I know you're giving me shit. It's fine. And also you, you like to talk to strangers more than friends or loved ones.

That is the, that is the truth. You, you're a stranger to strangers. You're a stranger, man. I appreciate it. I think it's a good, I think it is a good thing. It's a fascinating thing about you. My friend on my birthday wigs, you're my friend, a good friend. Wow.

I'll say that. I'm lucky to have you and also fuck you and your strange habits. Happy birthday to me. I'm pirate. Rubecci. Are there to be some truth be told and spilled on the deck tonight? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. One, one flavor I don't love.

And I think that has been popularized with like fireball whiskey is hot cinnamon. I could do without hot cinnamon. Yeah. You know what? Wags, I'm right there with you, even though I feel like that is a little bit of an old man. I feel like my dad liked like hot cinnamon, like, like, you, like, you know, like a hot cinnamon suckers, whatever you. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I remember that. Fireball. Yeah. Fireball, like the, like the, it wasn't a gummy. It was like a, like a jawbreaker. Mm hmm.

Yeah. Like hot tamales. Yeah. Hot tamales. Yeah. I don't love that. My dad was also born in 1942. He like chewed on, he liked black licorice.

She like, he literally liked black licorice. So. He literally chewed on the bark of the chiclet tree. What about cinnamon ice cream? Cause I like cinnamon ice cream a lot. How about that? I haven't had cinnamon ice cream. It's not hot, just savory.

Do you mean like a snickerdoodle ice cream or is there like specifically a cinnamon ice cream? Not talking about a fucking snickerdoodle ice cream. Can I take it easy? All right, sorry. What did I say? You're the one who hates compound flavors. All of a sudden you're trying to push a snickerdoodle into my cinnamon ice cream.

This is two great tastes that do not go great together. I'm talking about cinnamon ice cream. Cinnamon ice cream. People out there know what it is. It's a, I used to get a JP Licks on Harvard Street in Coolidge Corner. Wow. They have it at Mount Dessert ice cream up in Mount, up in Bar Harbor, Maine. Yeah.

And it's really good. I like, I like this more than more. I like a malt in my ice cream. I like more savory taste than sweet taste like that. Yeah. What about like rose? Have you ever had like rose water or rose water flavor to ice cream? It always tastes like perfume to me.

So I can tell you about that. Yeah, it's not my favorite, but. I'm a great, that's a great one. Get rid of rose water. Don't eat rose water. Get the. Well, wait a minute. Look, I appreciate this.

Who is the author of this letter? Uh, this is a courtesy of David B. and Chrissy. David B. and Chrissy. A joint email. Thank you for. David B. asked Chrissy to like, yeah, David B. Will you write the email for me and send it to the Doughboys and put my name on it too? Also put it to those situations.

You forgot the PS about misophonia that I wanted you to add. Why did, did you send it off? Why didn't you add that? Hang on, I have five more PSs about things. Look, I am very proud to be esteemed by you, David B. and Chrissy. I know when you wrote hello to the esteemed guest, you were probably hoping for Paul F. Tompkins, but here I am. No, they were picturing you.

It's very kind, very kind. I appreciate your esteem terrifically. And I, and I definitely believe that people like what they like and don't like what they don't like. It's settled on the Judge John Adrien podcast available Wednesdays on maximumfund.org. I was just saying, I said, look, why, why, why get rid of flavors? Yeah. I don't see any reason.

It's, I don't, it's not, it's no, no, people like some of these things. It's very, it's, it's anti-joy to get rid of flavors. It's pro-joy to add flavors like Marmite ice cream, which I think someone should try. Or what is, what is the purple one? The, the, the, the beat root or whatever the fuck it is. It's disgusting. I don't want to hear about it. Why?

Do you know what I'm talking about? Take it back. Are you talking about Ube? Yeah. Ube. I like an Ube. And honestly, like I'll stick up for rosewater a little bit. I think rosewater can be all right.

Yeah. I think I think this is just like, yeah. More flavors are good, but we've got a little flavor crazy. The country's gone. Too many flavors. I'm with you. Yes. And, and, and they're just putting new flavors onto it.

Look, there's Doritos flavored Lay's chips. You know, we're going, we're going flavor crazy. But you know what? I like it. Keep it coming. The ones that don't work, we'll let, we'll let go away. And Wags, I'll just say this to end it. Vanilla is a flavor.

I would never get rid of vanilla. Wow. Wow. Of course, and you know, and of course, you know that I was, vanilla is my favorite flavor of ice cream. Of course. Love vanilla. Can't get rid of vanilla.

How's there not been, honestly, how, and I'm not saying this is a good thing. In fact, I think we, we kind of dodged a disgusting bullet, but how's there not been a Sriracha ice cream? Someone has to have been. Someone has to have tried that. I'm sure it's been attempted. I guess it just doesn't work. Good.

And also, you know what would be a great ice cream? Jamaica flavor. Jamaica. It's actually not Jamaican, Mitch. Jamaican jerk ice cream with flavors of allspice and cinnamon and habanero. I mean, scotch bonnet pepper. I know what you were trying. I was letting you correct me, Wags.

That was the end of it. I know, I know. I was playing along. Are you a Jamaica or Horshada man? Horshada man. I think I'll do a, I think I'll do an Horshada more often. I do, I do a Jamaica more often, honestly. Hamikas are good.

It's just a little sweeter. And I think I'm more, I'm like, I do have something of a sweet tooth, but I also am like Hodgman where things can be too sweet for me. Like, so if it deserts, like, like, like too sugary and I sometimes can feel that with a Micah, but I do like it. It is good. A Micah flavored ice cream would be pretty good, honestly. That would be good.

I bet that would work. Anyways, don't get rid of any flavors. What are we doing here? Keep the flavors coming. Life is better with more flavor. That's true. Friday is the spice of life, as they say. Stuff can be disgusting, but give me a chance to try it first.

You know, maybe I'll get around to that beetroot ice cream or whatever. Maybe I'll like it. I don't know. I should experiment. Tell you what, I don't need any more. I don't, I don't need any more phony lime dust on chips. I'm sick of lime dust. That's a great cut.

I'm sick of it. You know what? I don't need that. I've changed my mind to cut lime dust off of, I love lime dust. Get rid of fucking lime dust on chips. It's pirate month. We love limes. We don't want this artificial lime dust.

Get it out of there. Get the, ditch the lime powder. It's not curing scurvy. Give us the real juice of the lime, but please be careful and don't juice limes out in the sunshine. Thank you. Because if you get lime juice on your hands in the sunshine, it will burn your skin off. Jesus Christ.

There's a photo effect that is very dangerous. Wow. That's wild. It blisters all over your hands. It's no good. That's wild. Wow. Yeah.

Careful out there. I'm here to help. Goodbye lime dust. You're cut. You're cut. If you have any cuts you'd like to make for flavors, hashtag flavor less. And if you have a question or comment about the World of Chain Restaurants, you can email us at dolboycepodcast.com or leave us a voicemail at 830-GOTA.

That's 830-463-6844. And you can get the Doughboys Double, our weekly bonus episode by joining the Golden Earth Platinum Play Club at patreon.com slash Doughboys. Also, check out Doughboy Snack Pack every Thursday at 830 PM. Listen live on Spotify. Our guest, John Hodgman. What an absolute delight. Thank you so much for placing us on so much of your time.

Oh, I'm always happy to talk to you. And as you now know, even if you text me late at night on a Friday with the worst idea that makes no sense, that really should have been a segment in a Patreon episode, even if I know no one will listen to it or and it will be ranked well below Fudgy the Whale on Best Episodes. And so that would be a good episode, Fudgy the Whale. That would be a great episode. I will always be here whenever you call. Wow. I will always answer the booty call.

I love it. We might have to do a Fudgy the Whale episode even within Yark Dober Chest. It's pirate close. It's adjacent enough to piracy. It's close enough to piracy. Because it's because it's a seafaring. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You got to look for that. I was going to just say that, you know, like the flavors thing is almost an allegory to Doughboys. You know, we're not everyone's favorite flavors. Some people say you can cut us. But John Hodgman, you're a flavor. Everybody loves. We love having you on the show.

What an honor it was to have you here. Always a delete. Always a delight. Always a delete. Always a delete. I'll take it. Delete what I said. No, we're keeping that in.

Oh, what a delete. What a delete. Hodgman, I don't think I don't think I could think of anyone better to kick off Yark Dober Chest. That's what makes me sad that I'm the one you think to kick off, to kick this sinking ship into the ocean. There definitely was an element of like, who are our favorite guests? And then also, who would we be most embarrassed to do this in front of? And I think that's how you ended up. That's very kind.

That's very kind. And you should be. Hodgman, Dicktown is on Hulu. Don't shout Hodgman podcast. Oh, you go ahead. No, no, please go for it. Go with the plugs. Dicktown is on Hulu.

It has all your favorites on it, from Mike Mitchell himself to Gene Gray to Paul F. Tompkins, Griffin Newman to Jamie Lee Curtis to Ronald Pete. I mean, just everybody's having a good time in Dicktown. It's not about Dick's, it's about a couple of friends solving mysteries in a town called Richardsville that everyone calls Dicktown and it's a cartoon. Everyone loves cartoons and it's on Hulu along with everything else that you like to watch. In the future, I'll be on a show called Up Here, which is a live action romantic comedy musical show that doesn't come out till next year.

But that's on Hulu. What else is on Hulu? I don't know. Other things that you enjoy. Judge John Hodgman comes out every Wednesday. I haven't gone on Twitch to play SimCity 2013 edition for a while, but I'll be doing that again sometime in the future. Wow.

And listen to me on the Doe Boys whenever I'm lucky enough to be able to do it. Wow. God bless you. All the plugs. That'll do it for the maiden voyage of your Doe Bar Chess 2022. John Hodgman, would you like to give yourself a pirate name before we go? No, but okay. I have to think of a thing?

Yeah, there we have it. The answer is no. The answer is no. Call me Reluctant John. Wow. Perfect. And now next time, for Reluctant John and my first mate, the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell, I'm Captain Weiger.

Fuck, what's a pirate by? Harp. Pirate goodbye. Pirate goodbye. Arg? C.R. Oh, C.R.G. is good. That's me.

That's my thing at the end. Oh, wait, I say happy something. Say happy eaten. Happy sailings. Happy, happy boating. Happy boating. Happy boating. We're going on a yacht.

And then Mitch says, C.R.G., like I told you. C.R.G. Happy grogging. And then I was thinking, happy mead. Oh, happy grogging is good. Meading, but you want to save that for the Renfair. Yeah, that's true. Happy grogging is pretty good.

All right, here, we'll do one more take. Happy poop-holing. And we don't delete any of this. Happy sinking. No, I'm not. I'll do it for this episode of Doe Boys Yard Doe Bar Chess 2022. Until next time, for my first mate, Mike Mitchell. I'm Captain Nick Weiger.

What was it? It was happy grogging. You forgot to call me the Spoon Man. C.R.G. Oh, yeah, shit. Yeah, the Spoon Man. Oh, that's good. All right.

Jesus Christ. Hey, buddy, if you haven't seen on our social media, we have a new show, Doe Boys Snack Pack. That's right. The Doe Boys present Snack Pack on Spotify Live every Thursday night at 8.30 p.m. Eastern, 5.30 Pacific, only on Spotify Live. Get the Spotify Live app and you can listen live and even

chat with me and the Spoon Man tonight and every Thursday at 8.30 p.m. Eastern. Doe Boys Snack Pack. Listen live on Spotify.