Dr. Creepen's Dungeon - S5 Ep255: Episode 255: Transylvania Werewolf Horror

Episode Date: July 4, 2025

Today’s fantastic offering is the complete ''I Banged a Werewolf'', a part of the ‘Werewolves are Assholes’ series, an original work by Joshua Waggoner 90, kindly shared directly with me for the express purpose of having me exclusively narrate it here for you all.  https://www.reddit.com/user/joshuawaggoner90

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BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Welcome to Dr. Creepen's Dungeon. The shadowy forests and fog-laced mountains of Transylvania, were also more than just legend. Their whispered warnings passed down through generations. Said to roam the Carpathians under the full moon, these cursed beings blur the line between man and beast. Locals speak of glowing eyes in the tree line,

of howls that pierce the night, and of ancient bloodlines tied to dark rituals and long-forgotten sins. In Transylvania, where folklore and fear walk hand in hand, the werewolf is not just a myth. It's a haunting possibility, as we shall see in tonight's feature-length story. Now, as ever, before we begin a word of caution, tonight's tale may contain descriptions of violence and horrific imagery. If that sounds like your kind of thing, then let's begin. I banged a werewolf, part one. It all starts with, well, me, Milo.

My parents moved to Kentucky from California when my mom was still pregnant with me, and that's where I spent most of my childhood. My dad left me and my mom when I was six to move to Nashville and become a country star. Now, more on that later, maybe. As you can imagine, growing up with a single parent, didn't have very much. I can honestly say I never really caught myself wanting much, but we did struggle from time to time. And it only took inviting a friend over once and having them point out all the stuff we didn't have. to put a stop to that. But it all started to change when I first met my grandfather from California.

He hadn't even known I'd existed until right before that, which I assumed was because he had some kind of falling out with my mom before she left. Turns out he made a killing in the movie industry running a special effects company. And it just so happens that I developed a real fondness for movies over the years since my mom worked in a video rental store when they still existed. And free rentals was like literally the only. perk to that job. So that and my lack of friends naturally led to an obsession with all things cinematic. So imagine my surprise and excitement when I found out my grandfather's company had done

effects for some of my favorite movies. Before long I was allowed to visit him since he'd been lonely after my grandmother died, unfortunately before I was able to meet her. He was always happy to let me come stay with him when school was out for the summer. I was always crazy excited to go on these trips, where I'd spend most of my time with him in the various workshop of his company during the day and watching all kinds of movies with him at night. Aside from being one of the nicest people you could imagine, he had a mischievous side to him as well. He'd constantly play jokes and pranks on his employees and would frequently let me help pull them off. My home life also got better since he was sending us money here and there to make sure we didn't hurt for anything we might need.

He slowly took on the role of the missing father figure in my life over the year. years until one day we got a call a few days before I was supposed to graduate and leave for California to start officially apprenticing at his company. It was a heart attack. He had it while he was alone in his home and couldn't get help fast enough on his own. The cleaning lady found him laying there dead the next day. I didn't take it well at all. I didn't leave the house for weeks.

Miss graduation and everything. Then we got another call. They'd found a will in my grandfather's house. He had left every dollar he had to me. Just an insane amount of money. He'd always lived really modestly, so I never really knew how rich he was until that moment. It took a while before I decided what to do with it.

So long that the weeks became months, by then winter was sitting in. But it all came together when I was sitting in my room. room staring at my movie collection. Then I caught sight of my row of Dracula movies sitting next to the first edition copy of the novel my grandfather had given me for my birthday years ago. He used to joke that he got it from the real Dracula himself. Probably meant Bella Lagosia or something.

He was pretty old after all. But that was the moment. The idea popped in my head. Well, long story short, I bought my mum a nice house and made sure she had enough money to never need to work again. but made sure the house was big enough for her to complain about having to clean the only thing she hated more than the idea of someone she didn't know being set loose in her home was not having something to complain about and then i set off for romania random i know but

you do weird shit when you're grieving so don't judge me the flight ended up getting delayed and i took that time to look up the area and find a guide and translation service Most of the ones I could find required more notice ahead of time to book, except for one. Mofusius's Romanian guide service. The name was kind of ominous, but they offered a full guide and Lindwistik service, and they were literally the only one available on such short notice, and so I made a reservation. Not long after that, I landed at Transylvania International Airport, and this is where the story you're here for really starts.

By the time I walked outside and looked out into the night under the glow of the yellow Transylvania airport letters, it was almost midnight. It was a tiny airport, not even relative to the ones I was used to, just small. I've seen bigger parking lots in front of Dollar Generals. Right next to it, there was something that looked like a gas station, or maybe a bus stop. And across the road, there was nothing, just an almost endless expanse of fields speckled with a tree here and there that rapidly faded. into darkness at the end of the lights for each. When I got off the plane, I got a confirmation email that told me to take a bus from the airport to a different location where the guide would pick me up.

It seemed weird, especially since it didn't tell me what time the bus would arrive or why we had to go to a different place or anything. But as the suspicions crossed my mind, I spied two men standing in front of what seemed to be a decommissioned fighter jet, made airport lawn ornaments. They both turned away as soon as they saw me notice. them, making them seem even shadier than they already did. Oh, someone call Liam Neeson. This is where I get sold to a creepy old European dude, I thought only half-jokingly to

myself as the men turned to face me again and started walking my way. The hiss of the bus's brakes scared my attention in its direction. Oh, sweet diesel-powered salvation. Picking up both my bags I climbed as fast as I could into the bus, which was empty except for the driver who had a nervous look on his face. Me too, buddy. Me too. Um, hi, what's up? I asked. The driver just pointed, directing me to take a seat on the bus.

As we pulled off, I tried to look for the two men, but they seemed to have taken off. The ride lasted a good while, which, after we got away from the open areas, was mostly just heading deeper and deeper into the Transylvania woods on darker and darker backrope. The bus finally came to rest under what seemed like the only streetlight I'd seen for miles, a decrepit stop sign hanging from the lone light pole. Once the doors creaked open, I got up, grabbed my bags and made my way up to the front of the bus. As I did, my eyes met the drivers one last time, and I saw the mournful look on his face as I exited. Once my feet touched the ground, the bus roared to life again and took off in the opposite direction into the dark, leaving me there to shiver in the cold under my lonely street lamp in the middle of the woods.

After about ten more minutes of shaking and trying to rub my hands together for warmth, I heard a sound coming towards me down the road, but not the sound of a car or another bus. Hooves, hooves and the rattle of wood. And then it made its way into the lights. A horse-drawn carriage, all black. Black horses, black carriage. even the driver wore a large hooded black cloak that obscured their face slowly and cautiously i stood and made my way over as i got closer i could hear a deep raspy breath coming from the hood of the driver as a sudden strong wind cut across the road shilling me to the bone

mafusius asked the grim figure on top of the carriage they responded only by extending a black-gloved hand taking me by the shoulder and guiding me into the carriage Once I was in and seated, the cart began to move. Terror and a sense of impending doom aside, at least it was a little warmer inside the carriage and away from the wind chill. I rode for around 30 minutes until I heard the wheels transition from asphalt to what sounded like cobblestone, and soon after I began to see the lights of a village appear through the windows. Not long after that we pulled up to a small inn,

at which point the driver descended from their seat and made for the inn's entrance several minutes later they returned with a room key which they handed to me after opening the door and directing me out onto the stone street um thanks i said taking the key so guess i'll see you tomorrow i asked to which the driver nodded placing a hand on my shoulder once again pushing me towards the front door of the inn i walked up to the front desk hearing the carriage began to leave outside. Before I could open my mouth to speak, the guy at the desk pointed me down a hallway, which I assumed would be where I'd find my room. It wasn't. I wandered around for about 15 minutes before I realized my room was upstairs,

on the opposite side of the inn. I was so tired, I was asleep before my head hit the pillar. Once the sunlight shining in through the window finally woke me up, I got out of bed, put some fresh clothes on and headed downstairs. Since I didn't know what time my guide was supposed to come back, I figured it would be better to go ahead and be ready for them

instead of keeping their creepy-ass waiting. I stood on the cobblestone street, looking up and down the road for them. After waiting outside for a while, I ran back inside to answer the call of nature. By the time I came back out, the carriage was already there waiting for me. I looked up to where the driver from last night sat, but this time instead of the grim reaper looking figure from before I saw a woman, a regular woman. Uh, hello, are you, I mean, what happened to the other driver? I asked. What other driver? She asked back, so now I could tell she sounded as American as I was.

You know, the one with the death rattle breath and the black cloak and shit, I explained. Oh, that was me, she answered plainly. What? Then what was with the scare me half to death, junk? I questioned up towards her from the grounds. What are you... Oh, right, right. I was cold as balls last night, and my nose was blocked up, so bad I couldn't even talk. That must have been quite the sight.

She chuckled. Okay, that makes sense, I guess. What the hell is with the scary name and the old-school horse and wagon deal? I asked. What, it's good for business. Tories coming to Transylvania eat that stuff up. You've already met my assistant, Cerberus and Medusa, she explained, gesturing to the two horses attached to the carriage.

Isn't that why you pick my service? Well, honestly, I didn't think to look for one until I was on the plane. You were the only one available on that short of notice. I answered, kind of apologetically. Hey, um, no, that I think of it. You took me straight to the end to drop me off last night. How'd you know I hadn't found a place to stay yet? Well, you filled out the services needed rendering section on the website and said you needed accommodations, she replied.

I did. Geez, I must have been tired. I don't even remember that. Oh, well. Anyway, I'm Milo, I said. Michelle, Michelle Woody, she said back. So, uh, Mr. Milo, where are we going? Oh, I hadn't actually thought.

that far ahead, I admitted, pausing as I climbed into the carriage. Any suggestions? How about a pub? She suggested. I'm 19, I said, and it's like 10 in the morning. We're in Romania. The drinking age is 18 here, and it's three in the afternoon, she said. Oh, shit, you're right, I mumbled, checking the time on my phone. Okay, pub it is. Let's get hammered, I said, stepping the rest of the way into the carriage. We rode up to a back alley pub whose name I can't even begin to pronounce. But the sign had a duck with a stool sitting on top of it, whatever the hell that means. This place looks like a dumb, I mentioned, taking in the shambled look.

That's how you know it's good. When it comes to pubs, the worse they look on the outside, the better they are in the inside, she said. That doesn't sound like it makes a whole lot of sense, but I'll take your word for it. I conceded as we walked through the door. When we entered, we were greeted by, well, an angel, by which I mean the most gorgeous woman I'd ever laid eyes on. And then, as I stood there with my jaw hanging open, she spoke to us in the most beautiful Romanian accent.

Oh, hello, Michelle. You bring us another customer, I see. Wait, you don't have some kind of business arrangement with this outhouse, do you? I are, suspiciously, cutting my eyes at her. What? Of course not. My guide replied defensively. This just happens to be the best pub in town. Whoa, I'd hate to see the ones that managed to limbo under that bar.

I mumbled to myself, as we made our way through the place and found a table. So, you know that woman? Who is she? I mean, what's her name? Oh, why so curious? Does somebody have a little crush? Hey, Tegan. This guy says he likes... She tried to shout across the... room before I managed to scramble to her side and put my hand over her mouth.

God, would you shut the hell up? I hissed loudly in her ear. I took my hand off once I heard her start giggling from underneath it, allowing her to speak. Okay. Yeah, I know her. That's Tegan. She's supposed to live in a caravan somewhere, but nobody knows where it is. So, is she a gypsy or something? I blurted out. Shut up, stupid. She exclaimed, thumping me on her head. What she is, but They don't like that word. They called Romani dipshit. You're an aggressive-ass tour guy, do you know that?

I barked back, rubbing the sore spot on my temple. What would you like me to get for you? A heavenly voice spoke from behind me. I turned to see the lady from the front door standing patiently, waiting with a smile on her face. I, um, uh, drink please. I partially stammered, to which she just raised her eyebrows,

apparently expecting something much less stupid to come out of my mouth. Oh, hey there, I'll take my usual one more for than mute, please. Michelle ordered, pointing to me, whose mouth was still moving soundlessly. I will get your drinks, the woman declared before leaving our table and heading to the bar. So, where am I? I mean, where did you bring me? I asked. Buddy, you're in the village of Orosol and Protéat de Lupi. She told me. But the locals nickname for it is Yerba, because of all the special herbs that grow here.

Where is that exactly? I didn't see it when I was looking up places on Google Maps to visit while I'm here, at Pronis. Yeah, well, you wouldn't find it there. I've tried to figure out why, but I haven't found anything concrete. The general consensus seems to be that the Romanian government struck a deal with Google to keep it hidden away. That way it helps preserve a small piece of Romania as it was. A little hidden jam for the occasional travel to stumble across an experience, she explained. I've heard of Google taking things off maps before for what kind of reasons,

so maybe it's not completely impossible. I reasoned. Well, glad I picked your company. The woman returned a few minutes later with a couple of glasses which she sat on the table. Not that I was expecting her to sit them on the floor or our heads or something, so I'm not entirely sure why I mentioned that she put them on the table. well, whatever. Anyway, she brought us our drinks. I was kind of surprised because I was expecting some kind of ale

with the foam and it being all warm and stuff. But it was a colourful, fruity-looking drink with ice cubes in it. And despite the cross looks, it got me from some of the more gruff and haggard men in the pub. Tasted pretty good. For the time I was almost finished with my first one, she was three in and on her four. So, um, you're just going to get drunk on. the clock i asked well that's for because i got the horses she slurred out they're really good horses

i can get it hammered and they'll take care of everything well i take it back you are a horrible tall guy you're a horrible tall guy she replied poking me in the chest and almost falling out of her chair while she was attempting to resituate herself after leaning out of her seat to poke me I tipped my glass up to take the last sit from it. As the ice cube slid down and hit my lips, I found myself face to face with a spider frozen in one of the cubes in the glass I had been drinking from the whole time. I choked and spewed the remaining liquid in my mouth all over the table

as I stumbled backwards onto the floor. As I was getting back to my feet, I saw and heard my waitress, Tegan, rolling and cackling uncontrollable, on the floor. When I reached down and picked up the fake ice cube off the table to examine it, Michelle took a break from her own laughter to speak. I swear they never suspect her to have a mischievous sight, she said as she chuckled into her drink,

She got your ass good. Well, I walked around the table and dropped the fake ice cube onto the waitress's chest and spoke in my best Daffy Duck impression. Well, of course, if you realize this means war. And with that, I walked out the front door, contemplating my sweet revenge as I made my way to the carriage. Where I sat, for about 30 seconds before I realized I had to pay for my drink and retrieve my plastered tour guide. Well, I walked back out of the pub after brushing off the second wave of laughter my walk of shame had caused me and situated Michelle into the back of the carriage before hoisting myself into the driver's seat.

Hey, how do you work this thing? I caught down to her, to which she just whistled, causing the horses to spring to life and trope down the cobblestone road. A few minutes later, the horses stopped on the outside of my inn to let me off and for Michelle to take my place in the driver's seats. So, um, what was her name again? I asked as she climbed her way up to her perch. Tegan.

Her name's Tegan, and don't worry, I had a thing for her too when I first came at. too bad she doesn't swing that way she answered down to me oh so you're i started panned sexual she finished for me oh so um you're into if you make a crack about me getting turned on by cookware i swear to god i'll run you over she interrupted me fair enough i said i made my way to the indoor and up to my room that night i forgot all about sightseeing in romania Instead, I spent the whole night thinking about how I was going to get that Teagan girl back. Once I came up with an idea, I called Michelle and got her to tell me what time the girl got off work, which was surprisingly easy and wanting to ask why, she said.

Oh, I'm not worried. You couldn't hurt that chick if you wanted to. That evening I was waiting outside the pub near the back entrance, with the scariest mask I was able to find at a local party store. Once I saw her walk through the back door, I put the mask on and hid around the corner. Rackle, frackle, I screamed as I jumped out in front of her. Oh my God, why would you do this? She shouted at me, and she stiffened up like a board. Because I hate spiders, I proclaimed, yanking off the mask before tossing it into her hands

and bouncing my way out of the alley, laughing the whole way. "'I heard her groan from behind me as I left, "'inflating my sense of accomplishment. "'As the mask she'd just thrown past my head. "'The next morning I decided to go back to the pub "'and sit at one of her tables, "'just to really rub it in. "'To the pub, I have business there.'

"'I instructed Michelle when she asked me "'what I wanted to do that day. "'Okay, I'm not sure I was supposed to mean, "'but at least you don't seem to be glum anymore.' "'She said, taking her place, in the driver's seat of the carriage. Hello, welcome. The Teagan girl's eyes narrowed at me

as she stopped mid-sentence. This is your table, right. I asked, sitting down at the same one as before. We got the same drink as before, but I could tell she didn't have the same energetic charm as last time when she took our order and brought them to us. It took a few minutes of this before. Michelle spoke up and asked,

something going on here I don't know about. "'Tegan seems a little bent out of shape about something.' "'Why would you say that?' I asked her in response. "'Well, because that,' she said, "'pointing in the direction of the bar where Tegan stood behind it, "'the fingertips of her tented hands resting just under her nose, "'glaring at me through narrowed eyes. "'Geeze, I whispered to myself,

"'then I explained what I'd done with the mast the night before.' Oh, God, I thought you were going to ask her out or something. She laughed. You done fucked up, kid. Well, it's been nice knowing you, she added, patting me on the shoulder. What is that supposed to mean? I asked, glancing back over towards the bar where Teigen was still glaring at me like a snake, eyeing a mouse. Oh, you're probably going to find out before long, you poor bastard.

She giggled, and that's the last she spoke of it. I barely got any sleep that night for wondering what kind of horrible things this Tegan might try to do to me. Maybe she knew some local street tufts and was plain to have them roughed me up or something. All the thoughts of terrible possibilities put my paranoia on edge, so I made sure to keep my door locked and my window's latch tight. The next morning I made sure to look out of the window to see if anyone might be waiting for me to leave the inn. But the coast looked clear, so I opened the door to hurry downstairs, get into the carriage as fast as possible.

But when I tried to walk through the door, I felt something solid and sticky on my face. My feet flew out from under me as my top stop, but my bottom kept moving. Before I knew what had happened, I was laying on the ground with a face full of clear packing tape and not a single molecule of oxygen left in my lungs. The following prank war that spanned the next several days

consisted of everything from stink bombs to firecracker booby-trapes. to her somehow getting a mousetrap into my shoe in my room, before I put it on and me even managing to superglue her hand to one of the serving trays at the pub. Hardware store, I barked at Michelle as I stomped towards the carriage, still trying to wipe the remnants of her most recent prank off my face. I was about to use everything my granddad had taught me about special effects. For evil. I bought all kinds of tools and materials, something I'm sure he would have been perfectly

fine with, knowing him. Hours later, it was dark, and had you been in Romania on that particular evening, you would have found me crouched behind some trash cans near the back door to the pub where Tegan works. Before long, I saw the door open, and Tegan's head poke out through the small crack and cautiously checked to see if the coast was clear. "'M, clever girl,' I whispered to myself, my hand tightening around the actuator I was holding, It's cord leading across the pavement to a contraption hidden under a large black hefty back, but not clever enough. Once the door was all the way open, I hit the switch,

which caused the compressed air container to purge all its contents at once, basing the 20 pounds of raw old fish and floor sweepings I collected from local shops during the day straight at her. Admittedly much harder than I thought it would, it knocked her clean off her feet. Oh shit, I'm so fucking sorry, I yelped as I took off running over to where she was laying face up on the ground. Are you okay? I asked, choking back a chuckle from looking down at her, covered in rotting fish and little chunks of loose fat. She just glared back up at me. That is until a fish that had got half splattered, half stuck on the wall above the door,

slid off and smacked her dead in the face. "'You will want to be running,' she growls through gritted teeth, her eyes still squinting from the fish-dews. "'I want to—' "'What?' I asked back. "'I will be breaking your legs now,' she responded, "'reaching a hand back into the door and around the corner, "'retrieving a wooden baseball bat and snapped it over her knee like a twig.

"'Oh, shit!' I screamed, "'breaking into a full sprint out of the back alley and into the street. I darted in and out of alleys and nooks and backyards until I couldn't hear her footsteps behind me anymore, finally stopping in a small courtyard with a little pond in the middle. As I bent over, my hands on my knees, gasping for air, I heard a voice. Found you, before being knocked flying into the pond. I felt the cold water rush over me, before another body followed into the water right behind me. My head broke the surface first as I came up gasping for breath and cold.

coughing on pond water. What the hell just happened? I choked, looking around the dimly lit courtyard. Right then, Teigen's head splashed up from out of the dark surface of the water as she wrapped her hands around my neck. Why would you do that? Fishes and meats?

What kind of sick person makes rotten meat cannon? She shouted, and she shook me back and forth in the pond. And then suddenly I felt a warmth through the icy water. I opened my eyes and... She was kissing me. What the hell? I stammered once she poured her face back away from mine.

Aren't she going to break my legs? No. You are too cute. I would be such waste to kill you, she said. Wait, kill! I thought you were just going to break my legs, her question. Yes, this is what I say. Break your legs.

Where did you hear this kill from? She replied, you just... Oh, never mind. Can we get out of this pond before we freeze? I asked. We both climbed out and I noticed she was already shivering, so I suggested we go back to my room at the inn to let her clothes dry off, since she wouldn't tell me where she lived.

Once we got to the inn, I gave her a towel and some of my sleeping clothes to wear while they dried. Although I'm pretty sure she didn't really need them and would have been fine sitting around bare-ass naked because she just started undressing to dry off right in front of me. Oh, I'll be outside. Let me know when you're done. I squeaked as I bolted out the door and into the hole.

So, um, you really think I'm cute? I asked as I prop myself up against the door. Well, yes, of course. In the same way as a small puppy who choose all your shoes, she answered from inside the room. For why do you ask? "'Oh, never mind. It's stupid,' I said. "'Probably, but I would still like to know,' she insisted.

"'Well, it's just I've never really had a girlfriend. I was kind of starting to think it was because I was ugly or something,' I admitted. As soon as I did, the door swung open, revealing Tegan in nothing but the T-shirt I'd left out for her. "'Are you, I'm wearing anything under that?' I asked nervously before she grabbed my face in both of her hands. You are not ugly. What a terrible thing to say, she exclaimed. You are very handsome, man.

I like you since I meet you. Wait, really, what was that fake spider in my drink then? I stammered. That is how I, um, how do you say? Show affection. I torment, she explained as innocently as you could imagine. You mean tea? I asked.

Oh yes, tease, this is the word. I tease, she responded. Oh, okay. Now I feel really bad

about that rotten me, cannon. I mumbled to myself as I flop down onto the bed. You really never have a girlfriend? She asked,

sitting on the bed next to me. No, I tried, but I get really nervous when I talk to them and just start saying stupid stuff

about monster movies, I explained. You like monsters? She asked, shifting in a spot a little. What kinds do you like? From there we spent what felt like forever talking about monsters and movies, and my granddad and how I ended up in Romania. And she told me about living in a caravan on the edge of town.

We talked and talked until she put her hand on top of mine, leaned in very close, and whispered into my ear. I have never had a boyfriend either. She pulled her head back just enough so I could. look into her insanely bright emerald eyes. You guys just can't imagine it. Right then, looking at me like she was, she was just sunset at the end of a perfect day.

Beautiful. And to sum up what happens next, well, first time for everything, I guess. I woke up the next morning to an empty bed and an empty room, except for a note that read, I am thinking of you. Find excuse to come to pop today. tea.

With a big grin on my face, I folded the note up and stuffed it in my pocket once I was finished dressing, which was something I had to do because I was still naked from the night before. Hey, well, what can I say? From this point the story goes from being about a boy to being about a man, kind of. After that I strutted down the stairs like I was Don Juan himself. I went outside to wait for Michelle in her carriage. But after a little while, it became obvious that. that she was running late.

So I decided to walk across the street and wait on a bench until she showed up. It was as I was crossing the street that I saw a man's hat get blown off by the wind. And as he hurriedly chased after it into the road, he didn't notice the large utility truck headed straight for him. Milo! Milo! Holy shit, how are you alive? I heard a voice that sounded like it was off in the distance. Dude, wake up!

The source of the voice studied. tapping on my face. I opened my eyes to see Michelle standing, well, kneeling over me with a look of mortified terror on her face. I looked around and realized I wasn't on the street anymore, but was instead halfway in the gutter on the other side of the road from where I'd started. What the hell? I mumbled up at Michelle.

You just got slammed by that truck. Oh, and you totally saved that old guy. His knees are little skin, but it's better than what that truck would have done, she told me. Oh, yeah, I guess I moved before I had time to think, I said, trying to collect my thoughts. Oh, God, I think I peed a little, no, I peed a lot, and, well, I groaned trying to get to my feet. Don't get up, she exclaimed, trying to keep me from dragging myself off the ground. The ambulance is on the way. I don't even know how you're breathing right now.

What are you? I tried to ask, but she just pointed in the direction of the truck, which now had its whole front end dented in and what appeared to be blood running down parts of it. Holy shit, was that me? Is that mine? Well, that's not people. It's blood all over me.

I shrieked, looking down at myself for the first time. God, where's it coming from? I can't find anything, I yelled, wiping blood away to try and find the source of the bleeding, but I wasn't able to. Oh, please God, tell me it's not coming out of my own. About that time, the ambulance had pulled up with the siren blaring, and I spent the next few minutes being examined by the medics, who apparently had the same suspicion about the origin of the blood as I did.

And after an embarrassing few more minutes of them, verifying that I was okay, they said something to me in Romanian, which I choose to believe was, congratulations, you are not bleeding out of your budhole. They couldn't find anything, I told Michelle, shrugging as I climbed out at the back of the ambulance. And that's when I caught a glimpse of a near folded-in half-traffic sign.

Someone who saw it said you hit that after the track ran into you. They said your back wrapped around it so far you basically need yourself in the back of the head. Michelle explained. That can't be right. You paralyzed are dead right now if that happened, I argued. You should be dead anyway. That truck was moving way too fast to begin with. In the impact itself, she'd have killed the shit out of you.

She said with a noticeable amount of concern in her voice. Well, since I'm not dead yet, I'm going to get some non-bloody clothes on and then we're going to go to the pub, I proclaimed, almost skipping into the inn. You're okay old-timer? asked the man who I'd pushed out of the way, handing him his hat that I'd picked up off the ground before walking over. I don't think he understood me, but he took my hand in his and gave me a bit of a bit. big smile and a slow nod. That's said enough for me. You got lucky last night. I...

What? Who told you that? I barped at Michelle before I climbed into the carriage. You just got mauled by a huge truck and you still got that shit eating grin on your face. Getting lucky with a girl like Teigen's about the only thing I know of that can pull a grin out of someone's ass after something like that. She replied with a twisted grin of her own.

I Shut up Just take me to the pub I commanded To see Teigen She asked joking I grumbled Sliding down in my seats

I mean Not for nothing But you kind of just got bitch slapped By a giant metal missile And you don't have a scratch To show for it Do you really think A pub's the place to be right now

She asked Leading down from the top To peek through the window Yeah I just got bitch slapped by a giant metal missile, and I don't have a scratch to show for it. A pub is exactly the place I need to be right now, I insisted. Milo, an excited voice called as soon as we walked into the pub. I felt my whole body tingle as Teigen ran up and wrapped her arms around me.

God, you're strong for your size. I huffed once she let me go and gave me a chance to hug her back. Milo got hit by a truck, Michelle just blurted out. What? Teagan gasped in response. What do you mean, hit? I hissed, trying to cover her mouth. He got, no, he got hit.

Shut up. Quiet. It should have, don't you do it. He got hit by a huge utility truck and wrapped around a street sign. It should have killed him. She finally said after holding my hands down and putting her hand over my mouth to keep me silent long enough to speak. "'Eugh, did you just lick my hand, you gross little weasel?'

"'But look, I'm fine, though,' I tried to reassure Tegan after seeing the look of worry on her face, but it only seemed to make it worse when she heard that I didn't have so much as a single bruise on me. "'Is everything okay?' "'Oh, yes. Let me sit you at a table,' she said, shaking herself out of it. A few minutes later Tegan was walking up to our table with our drinks, but this time she also brought a plate of food with it,

which she sat in front of me. Oh, I didn't order... No, I know this, she interrupted me. You have been through very much today. You need to eat something, she insisted, pushing the plate closer to me. Oh, okay, I guess. I was feeling kind of hungry anyway, I said, taking a potato wedge off the plate and cramming it into my mouth.

So, um, Tegan, I couldn't help but notice you've never taken a sick day. "'Michel spoke up before she could leave the table, causing her to hesitate. "'As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever seen so much as a tiny boo-boo on that perfect skinner-y-yots. "'What do you think about that?' "'I am a very healthy woman,' Tegan answered. "'A good immune system.' "'Ah, it must be if you're even immune to scratches and bruises,' Michelle said, narrowing her eyes. "'I am always being careful,' Tegan responded.

Very careful, I'd say. Michelle spoke, almost under her breath. Then she said something in Romanian that I couldn't understand, but it made Tegan look really uneasy before she turned and went back to work at another table. Hey, what gives? I asked her. Huh? Oh, nothing. I guess I'm just salty that you got to her before I did, she explains.

Been barking up that tree for ages. Okay, I mumbled, stuffing a few more potato wedges into my face hole. "'You're really not given a lot of thought about just getting bow-tied around a street sign, are you?' Michelle asked. "'The hint of astonishment on her face.' "'No, I don't want to look at the gist of horse in the mouth,' I sputtered, "'some potato falling out of my full mouth.' "'Hem.

"'She hummed, narrowing her eyes at me. "'Okay, I guess. "'Whatever. "'You seem, uh, a lot more cheerful, at least.' "'Oh, yeah, I just survived getting slammed by a truck. "'Who wouldn't be happy about that?' I asked. "'That's not what I meant,' she said, glancing over at Teigen. "'Geting to know each other a little better after hours?'

"'She asked with a smirk. "'What—' "'Mind your own business,' I said, choking down another mouthful of food. "'I banged a werewolf, part two. "'Try and stay on the road this time.' "'Michel called back as she rode away in her carriage later that evening. Yeah, yeah, I know, I answered, waving goodbye. I'd only been in my room for a few minutes before I heard a knock at the door.

It was Tegan standing there with a worried look still on a face. You must follow me to my home, she said, trying to pull me out of my room. Oh, hey, calm down for a second. What's the deal? I asked her. Please, just follow now, she insisted, pulling me again. After about half an hour of walking, she brought me to the edge of a little. a field where she led me through a small gap in the tree line. The trail came to an unexpectedly large clearing filled with a mix of old-looking wagon houses and modern mobile homes.

This way, she said as she dragged me along behind her. We finally walked up to one of the older wagon homes and went inside. I climbed up the steps and looked in to see another woman who looked a lot like Tegan and about the same age. Oh, hey, are you Tegan's sister? I asked. "'This is my mother.' "'What?' I'm so—' "'What?' I croaked. "'This is your who now?' "'My mother,' she repeated.

"'I have something to tell you both. "'We speak English for you to understand, okay.' "'She sheepishly added. "'And after that she spent a few seconds, "'just looking at the floor, "'her leg hopping around nervously "'before she finally said without looking up. "'Mama, I...

think i make him weirwolf she said pointing in my direction i sat there my jaw half open astounded at what she just said tegan are you insane why the hell would you say something like that i tried to say until i noticed her eyes glance up not at me but the woman she'd introduced as her mother she'd leaned forward in a chair her hands on her knees and she glared down at teegan and looked like she got caught with a hand in the cookie jar. I don't know what's... What's going on here? Why do you look like you're in trouble or something?

I asked as I look back and forth from one to the other. After a few seconds, the other woman decided to speak. Because I know what she would have done to make you a werewolf boy, she said in shockingly good English, never taking her eyes off Tegan as she spoke. Oh, right, the werewolf pit. Yeah, okay, I'm... and to get some crazy vibes here, so I'm just going to head out, okay?

I said as I made my way back out of the wagon and towards the trail. But before I could get there, I heard the woman step out from the wagon herself. Get back here, boy. We need to talk, she shouted at me, which just made me skip into a slow job. Then she whistled loudly across the clearing and shouted something in Romanian, causing several people to abandon their homes to pursue me. They started to close in around me, some speaking at me in words I couldn't understand.

I panicked and broke into a full sprint for the opening in a desperate attempt to reach it before they could cut me off from the exit. I was getting closer, and just as I neared the trail I heard two more sharp whistles crack out from the wagon and then, rustling in the bushes just up ahead of me as a massive creature rose up out of the darkness into the faint glow cast by the houses behind me. I slid to a stop on the grass, falling on my back as the towering beast. to lean down over me. Extended a viciously clawed hand out towards me as I scrambled to get back to my feet and run in the opposite direction. Real. That was real. I wheezed to myself as I trying to catch my breath amid sprint. Oh fuck, I'm going to die. Fuck, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I screamed as I was swiftly snatched upside down by one of my legs. I covered my face and

squinted my eyes as I got ready to, well, be eaten alive, I guess. and then I noticed I was bouncing. I opened my eyes to see that I was being carried upside down back to the wagon, which I was then roughly placed in front of. After my initial, of course my mean bouncing off the ground, I looked up to see the woman stare at me for a moment before walking inside, signaling for me to follow. As I walked back inside, I turned to get one more look at what was definitely a werewolf, who was still looking dead at me as it hot. up and down and twisted its neck back and forth. The goddamn thing was limbering up, daring me to try and run again. So, a werewolf, you say? I asked, walking in and finding a seat. Yes, a werewolf, the woman replied. So why would you say that? I mean, Teigen never bid me,

I told her. Why is she like that? She looks like she's in trouble. Tegan is embarrassed, the woman answered. Embarrassing, why? After taking a few more seconds to stare, Tegan down again, she answered. Because there are only two ways to become a werewolf. You are either born one, or you are turned by being with a female werewolf during her first time. Her first... Oh, I squeaked.

I finally worked up the courage to turn and look at Tegan. It was now a shade of red. I didn't think a person could even turn. So you're saying that if I'm a, you know, that means you'd know me and her? Yeah, she answered with a trembling voice through tightly pursed lips. But how would we even know that? I shouldn't have asked. Let me see your hand, the woman instructed.

You're checking for the mark of the beast or something? I asked her. "'Ah, something like that,' she said before taking my wrist in one hand and my forearm in the other. "'Snap!' The sound of my arm, being broken in half, cracked through the small room. But in the middle of my screams and threshing, I stopped as I noticed a sensation. I looked down to see my arms slowly start to straighten and work its way back together as the intense pain began to finally dull and then disappear altogether.

"'Holy shit!' I whispered to myself. "'Tegan, did you see that?' He just responded by placing her head in her hands in shame, as I felt her mother's gaze start to burn a hole in the back of my skull. "'Oh, crap,' I mumbled, realizing what that meant. "'I was the guy trapped in a room with a werewolf who'd just taken her daughter's virginity the night before, and now I expected to die, if I'm being honest. Your name, she demanded, resting her chin on the tips of her fingers.

Myel, my name's Milo, and I just want to say I'm so... Be quiet. Okay, I whimpered. We have much to discuss, and you will sit quietly as I speak. Yes, ma'am, I said when she paused to make sure I understood. First, you will tell no one. of this. Yeah, I know. Clearly, that one's already out of the window. Second, since now you are one of us, you will learn the true origin of the whirl. I shifted a little when she said that. As a horror-obsessed

nerd, I was actually giddy about learning where they really came from. We are the Romani people. Do you know where we come from originally? She asked, and I shook my head. We came from India long, long ago. This is the home of the Yaksha, ancient guardian spirits who made the first werewolves by mingling with humans. This means most werewolves have a strong desire to protect others. Most, last. What about the ones who don't feel overly protective? Follow me, she said, standing up and walking outside. Really? After all the trouble of getting me in here? I mumbled. Once we were outside, I followed. Tegan and her mum, through the back of the caravan until we found ourselves coming out at the other

end near the woods. Waiting for us was a set of statues, creepy-looking statues of werewolves, werewolves being held down by chains, and in the middle was a staircase leading down into the earth. Oh, please don't tell where we're going down the scary stairs. I whined. They didn't answer. They just walked down the scary stairs and into the dark. That's when I heard something breathing heavily behind me. I turned to see the werewolf that had run me down earlier, standing there with his arms crossed. You're not going to let me go the other way, are you? I asked him, to which he shook his head. So I walked down the horror movie steps to catch up with Tegan and her disturbingly young-looking mother.

I met them near the bottom where I could start to see light. Is there something wrong? Tegan asked me when I got there. Oh, no, I was just expecting torches or something. The LED Christmas lights kind of threw me off for a second, I answered, looking around at the strings of lights on either side of the ancient-looking stone hallway I was now standing in. Torches are expensive to keep burning. This is not Disneyland, Teagan's mum said, as she started walking further into the underground structure. Yeah, I don't think anyone's expecting to find Mickey Mouse down here, I mumbled, following her deeper into the narrower and narrower of a tunnel. So, um, what exactly is down here?

But my question was answered after we walked down another staircase, barely wide enough for me to fit through, that opened into a huge chamber. Okay, no, seriously, what's in here? I asked again, as I looked around the dark room. Then I heard Teigen shifting something around before I heard the flip of a light switch. Oh, my God. I whimpered as I stared up at one. what they'd illuminated. Only one werewolf has ever denied his calling. You are standing in his prison. Deacon's mother said, while I shook in terror,

staring up at a grey werewolf covered in cobwebs. Unlike the one outside, this one had to be ten, maybe eleven feet tall, if not more. I was held in place by chains as wide as my entire body. Then it opened its eyes. I don't want to be in here anymore, I cried, as its eyes met. mine and I looked into the bright, malevolent yellow glow. As I stood there shaking it took

a long, deep breath that seemed to pull all the warmth and hope and life out of the chamber. Then in a sudden motion it lunged towards me, snatching against the chains, causing the ground itself to tremble underneath my feet so hard that I almost lost my balance as I threw my hands up to shield my face. Once I caught myself, I looked back up and saw something was different. It wasn't grey anymore, or maybe it never was. It was covered in so much dust, it looked like it was, but as the cloud settled, I could see the impossibly black fur that covered its entire body. Once the rumbling from the tremors had died down, I could hear a chorus of howls echo down into the chamber from outside. This place was built around him centuries ago.

Tegan's mother finally spoke again. In this form, he is almost impossible to destroy him. so this prison is made so that to escape he must change back into his human form and if he does we wait on the surface to rip him apart and take the pieces to the far corners of the earth we can he just change once he gets out I asked it is not that simple Teagan answered first then followed by her mom you see changing is a process that takes time and is also very painful we can only become a as large as the amount of food we have to eat. Many of us never change into a wolf for this

reason. Others only rarely change, but some change and stay this way forever. The one who captured you has been that way since this prison was built, and there are several others like him who live in and around our village, she explained. So, um, was all this, I mean, I guess this has something to do with why this entire town doesn't show up on the maps right? I asked, having just remembered that, It is. There are those who had wished to free him and turn him loose on the world again, and so we made a deal with a powerful entity in this country, that if they hide this place, make it so that only those who know where it is can find it,

we would both guard this prison and send some of us across the world to maintain balance of the supernatural, she kept explaining. Our werewolves really that strong? To which she answered by turning to look at the almost 11-foot-tore monster held down, down to his very own prison by tree-sized chains who were still glaring down at us. Oh, yeah, that's fair, I mumbled. So, um, we get out of here now. He keeps staring at me and is freaking me out.

In a moment, Tegan's mom said, as she strolled casually around me. You are part of this world now, and you are a part of our village, whether you like it or not. She added, glancing over at Tegan, who turned away in embarrassment again. So, what do you guys call him? Asked, pointing over my shoulder. We call him Marelle Loup-Roura, Tegan's mother answered. And what, um, what does that mean? Does that mean something?

It means the great evil wolf, Tegan told me. Ah, okay, um, did, um, did you just call him the big bad wolf? After a few seconds of awkward silence, I spoke again. Well, I guess it's kind of cool if I think about it. I got to Romania, I turned into a werewolf the same night I lose my... Sorry, I mumbled once I noticed her, cut her eyes at me. So, where is Papa Werewolf? I asked. Realising I hadn't heard much about her dad yet.

He is... He does not know me. Tegan answered sadly. Yes, unfortunately he left after I told him I was pregnant. leaving only his necklace, and he was not a werewolf like us. Male werewolves are infertile. Only a werewolf female and a human male can make a werewolf child, all of which are born female, Degan's mom explained, and even this is uncommon. Most of the time they do not become werewolves are born human.

This is why we are so rare. I'm starting to get it now. But do you know why, like biologically? I asked. No, there are not many scientific studies done on werewolves, she said sarcastically. But this is not what you need to be concerned with now, she added, finally walking towards the exit. Once we reached the top of the stairs, they both led me into the centre of the small village before Tegan's mother shouted something in Romanian.

She said, everyone, come meet your new brother. Tegan explained to me when I asked her. After that, the doors to the trailers and carriages started to open up, spilling their light out into the darkness. When I began to hear rustling in the woods from all directions, followed by five new werewolves leaving the tree line and walking up with the rest of the village. You will return here tomorrow. There will be a festival and your honour.

Deegan spoke into my ear as everyone came to green. My mother is angry at first, but I think also she likes you, and it is tradition to hold festival when new werewolf is made, since it is being so uncommon. Well, that's, um, nice. Ready to go? A voice asked from beside me as I walked outside the next morning. What?

What? I asked, confused as I turned to see Michelle standing beside me. Are you ready to go? I'm supposed to take you back to the bus that takes you to the airport today, remember? Oh, um, yeah, um, about that. I think I might be staying a little longer, I answered, scratching my head and looking at it. it in the direction of Teagan's pub in the caravan. Hmm, found a reason to stay her, she said with a smirk.

Well, yeah, um, kinder. Even if it's not completely voluntary, I spoke up at her. But I guess you're off the hook now. I've started to figure things out around here. Thanks for all your help, though. Before she got up on the carriage, she leaned over and hugged me for a second. As she climbed up to her seat, she looked down and said, I think you've helped me too

What's that supposed to mean? I called after her as she pulled away But she never answered So I decided to wander around Until it was time for the festival in my honour Which was something I never expected to hear In my entire life Especially under the circumstances

I'm supposed to go there Or is Tegan gonna come get me What the hell time is it anyway I mumbled to myself Grumpy over not being given more details Ready to go Oh, Christ, woman, I shouted at Tegan, who snuck up behind me while I was lost in thoughts. You can't do that.

You can't sneak up on me and scare me like that the day after I find out were what was real and that, apparently, I'm one too now. Why are you being so nervous? Almost not anything can kill you now, see? She said, as she whipped out a small pocket knife and stabbed me in the liver. Oh, what the hell? I shouted before. Ah!

An old woman who happened to see shrieked in horror. Oh, an old lady, it's fine. Everything's, I tried to explain, waving my bloody hands around at her, but she fainted. Oh, great. We just killed an old lady. Just great. I scolded, Tegan. She'll be fine.

I put her on bench, see, she said, hoisting the woman onto a public bench and propping her up in place. We go now. You goddamn sociopath. I groaned as she took my hand and tried to pull me along. First, I have to go get an unstabbed shirt. After I'd wipe the blood off, I got a new shirt. I went back down to meet Tegan.

She took the time of the war to explain more about what was going on than the night before. She told me that whether a new werewolf is born or made is treated the same way in his celebrated. She also told me some basic things about them, like the differences between male and female werewolves. The males are larger, stronger when it is. they change, she explained, but the females are more vicious when they change. Claws look a little different too. You can also use the claw of a werewolf to keep other creatures away sometimes. Is that why you're really strong when you're normalized? I asked. No, nobody seems to know why this is about me, she answered as she scratched her head. So, um, I can, like, heal really fast, too, I asked,

thinking back to getting my shoulder checked by a work truck the day before and her shanking me in the stomach. Yes, you can't even regrow lost arms and legs. Whoa, so, um, I'm like Deadpool, aren't I? I said excitedly. I do not know what this means, Deadpool. So I pulled out my phone and brought up a few pictures of Deadpool comic panels to show her. Oh yes, I see resemblance now, she said after looking at them for a few seconds. What about silver? Does that really do anything?

Like, does it burn or something? No, that is just myth. This is silver, you see. She said, raising her chest up so I could see the necklace she was wearing. Hey, that kind of looks like that thing from Dr. Manhattan's head. I thought to myself as I looked at the strange circular pattern. This was gift from my father. He left it with me, she said cheerfully.

But I do not know where silver myth really comes from. As we walked, I could almost feel my jaw hanging open as I learned all kinds of things I never even thought about. Before I knew it, we were already walking through the trail that led to the tiny village, that admittedly didn't look nearly as creepy in the daylight. But the four or five massive monsters gathered in the centre who turned to face me as I arrive made up for it. Oh, hell, I mumbled as soon as I saw them, look at me. They're coming over. They're headed this way.

What do I do? I croaked at Tegan as they all began to stride in our direction. Clam yourself, it will be okay. I think you mean Carmen. I will certainly will not. I answered nervously, my knees trembling a little. Once I got closer I was able to recognise the one from the night before by a patch of white fur on his chest.

Yep, still just straight up free-balling it, I thought to myself as the difference in our height became obvious. "'They like you, I think,' Teagan said as they stood in front of me. "'Not too much, I hope. "'Otherwise I might lose an eye.' "'What this means?' she asked. "'Oh, nothing. "'So, um, what's the deal with this festival thing?'

"'I asked, taking a few steps back and looking around "'at the other people hustling around, "'darting in and out of houses and doing various things.' "'It's up, Papa.' "'I heard someone call from behind "'as a table almost smacked me in the back of the hand. I managed to duck just in time to keep from getting cold cocks. I spun around to see this lumbering gypsy Hercules, carrying several tables on his shoulders.

Hey, what, hang on, why is his English so good? I asked, turning to look back at Tegan, pointing over my shoulder at the guy. He has lived in America for some years. He returns just before you arrive here, she told me. Yeah, I'll buy that. I said to myself as I began to wander. around the caravan relatively unsupervised. I use most of my time to snoop and poke.

Turns out my status as the guest of honor didn't keep me from getting on people's nerves. After getting shooed away from a food-covered table, I found a seat and plopped down. Such a festival for the boy who defiled my daughter. A familiar voice spoke from behind me. I turned to see Tegan's mother standing over me with her hands on her hips. She glared down at me for a few seconds. body silhouetted against the sun shining behind her. Then she grabbed another chair and sat down beside me.

In my defence, Teigen did plenty of defiling her... Sorry. You seem to be taking all this very well, she said, not bothering to look in my direction. Well, I've all these kind of light masters and magic and stuff, so it's pretty cool to find out that it's real, even if it was in the most embarrassing way possible, I answered, staring down at the grass between my feet.

She paused for a second before taking a deep breath and letting it out in a long side. It was bound to happen sooner or later, I suppose. She said, leaning back in her seat. Do you know what Tegan's name means? She asked, but before I asked her, she kept speaking. It is a Romanian for beautiful woman. I never had any doubt that she would grow up to be an olive-skinned goddess with long curly hair and the voice of an angel. I finished for her.

I was going to say very pretty, but that is very nice of you. Her father was a very handsome man from England who was here on business. What kind of business? Didn't you say you can't just randomly find this place? I asked. I had not thought of that. He was a scientist of some kind, I think. Always making dirty jokes too, but he was so charming and different and smart when he wanted to be.

She told me, seemingly thinking back to fond memories. "'You miss him?' I questioned, bringing her back to the moment. "'I guess so. He had his moments. You remind me of him. "'Perhaps that's why I decided not to lock you away, too.' "'You're not joking, are you?' I tried to ask, but I was stopped by feeling something on my neck. I turned and looked over my shoulder to see one of the gigantic werewolves a few inches from my face. "'Oh, shit!' I yelled, almost falling out of my seat. You freaking asshole.

After it saw my soul leave my body, it started to wheeze like it was laughing. Everyone's a comedian round here, I mumbled to myself. How's that work, anyway? I asked Tegan's mom, pointing over my shoulder at the chuckling monster. I know you said I'm one, but I don't feel any different. Is it like a button I pressed somewhere or something? We will teach you that in time. Today is to introduce you to everyone, she answers.

I'm going to go find Tegan in case she needs help getting ready for the ceremony. Well, get ready for what? I asked when she cut herself off. Oh, nothing. Now, where is that girl? Ah, you boy. You here now with me. The man shouted at me as he ran towards me. What the hell are you doing? I asked him as he pulled me out of my seat and led me off towards one of the trailers. We get you dressed. It is tradition where. The boarding man tried to explain, as he dragged me along.

He let me into a trailer that was full of traditional-looking gypsy clothes and started digging around, occasionally pulling something out and holding it up against me. Are there any colour you like more? he asked. I kind of like red, I answered. Red, yes, I have much red. He exclaimed, diving back into the pile of clothes. What about this? Yeah, it's nice, I guess, I answered, as he held.

up with the old-looking clothing. Good, good, take this off, put this on. He demanded as he poured around and handed me things. This will be most beautiful wedding. What? Festival. I say festival. I crashed through the trailer door,

tripping over a loose pant leg and tumbling down the steps onto the grass. Where is she? I screamed, trying to finish pulling up my pants with only one arm through my share. Who? One random woman asked. Who do you think? I yelled in her face. Oh, she said to herself,

before shouting something out loud in Romanian which caused everyone to immediately face me. I took off running as fast as I could, but now everyone in the village was trying to get in my way. Arms and legs spread wide open like they're trying to keep me from scoring a goal, causing me to dart back and forth to try and shake them off

so I could find Tegan's lion ass underhanded mom wherever she was. I didn't get far before I felt a familiar sensation of being picked up into the air. The wolf sat me down and pushed me back into a folding chair. A few moments later, her mum walked up to where I was sat. A wedding? Are you kidding me? You said this was a festival, I screamed.

Well, there is a festival involved, she answered slyly with a grin creaking across her face. I never agreed to get married, I shouted back, trying to wait. wiggle out from underneath the pore that was holding me down. Would you let go? Where am I going to go, really? I yelled up at the monster, which still didn't budge. I know you understand me, you fluffy prick. I'm not getting married.

And so, there I was, at the altar, standing across from Tegan. I'm sorry, she whispered softly to me, lowering her head as she spoke. Well, I guess as far as shotgun, weddings go. I could do a lot worse, I replied. Look, I'm just not that romantic, okay? Let's just leave me alone. And, well, true to her word, there was in fact a festival afterwards. They were singing and dancing and food. As we sat down to eat, Teagan told me funny stories about different people in the village. I didn't really eat that much, though. I guess having a surprise marriage can kill any appetite. Hey, um, are you okay? I asked her, when I noticed she was starting to

look a little dizzy and sleeping. I am fine. What kind of question this is? She asked me back, right before her unconscious head fell face first into her plate. Oh well, that can be good. I said to myself, as the guy next to me face planted into his own plate.

A few seconds later, one of the changed werewolves came staggering up to the table before falling into a heat next to us. Person after person was losing consciousness all around me as the world started to go fuzzy. "'What the hell?' "'I mumbled as I slipped out of my chair onto the ground.

"'Hm still not out yet?' "'I heard a familiar voice speak from behind me. "'Michelle, fuck the walk. "'I mean, what the f—you know. "'Oh, right, evil monologue. "'Yeah, I've been trying to find this place forever, "'but whoever put that concealment on this place "'has some serious juju.

I tried to follow someone back, but that damn sense of smell, they always knew someone was there. But, well, a tracking beacon, she said as she showed a blinking dot on the screen of her phone. Yeah, that did the trick. Why my... what? I tried to speak through my stupor. Old world sleeping potion, she answered, holding up a small vial, made from some of the local herbs. can even put an unchanged werewolf down for the counts.

To use something with a little more stout for these guys, though, she continued, pulling a syringe with a black needle out of the unconscious werewolf. I won't kill him. Well, not much can, but it can't put him down for a while. Anyway, got to go,

she finished, prancing off towards the underground prison, some kind of clothing bundled up in her hand. That was the last thing I saw before I passed out. I woke to being violently shaken by the collar of my shirt. What did you do? Tegan's mum yelled as she snatched my body back and forth. But at the time, all I could really do was drew. I gurgled, a stream of saliva running down the side of my face.

I can't believe this. All the centuries, then you show up, and now he's out, she growled, tossing me to the ground as I started to notice a rotten scyce. stink wafting through the air. She started to walk back in the direction of the chamber and made my best effort to inchworm my way along behind her, the feeling having still not returned to most of my body. As we got closer to the entrance, I could tell the smell was getting worse and worse. After she stared down into it for a moment, she kicked me over onto my back and stood over me. How much trouble can one person possibly be? she asked down at me,

I am who do I tried to say causing her to narrow her eyes saw a person before passing out when she heard this she reached down and stood me back up on my feet come with me she told me before trouncing off I yelled before falling forward straight onto my face the carriage driver I said after I was dragged into the wagon from the night before that's all I know I swear do you understand how serious this is she asked me leaning close to my face

well judging by the look on your face about the time I said that the door opened and Tegan fell face first inside landing on the floor with a heavy thought your wife needs help her mom said looking down at her with mild disappointment so I waddled over on shaky legs and helped her up.

So, um, what happens now? I asked nervously. We are going to need all the help we can get as fast as we can get it. He will be weak after changing so drastically so fast. It will take him time to recover. We need to find him before he can change back, she explained. You're saying we are long, I mumbled, letting Tegan rest her head on my lap. Yes, boy, this is your responsibility too now.

She answered, more than a little ominously. You will be helping correcting this. What's the word, um, debacle? What the hell can I do? I shouted, jumping up from the couch. Oh, crap. Sorry, Tegan. God, that looked like it hurt.

I apologized as I picked her up off the floor. I really don't know how you think I'm going to be any help here. I've been a woe for, like a day? Two days. Tegan Mervon. up from my lap. Two days. I've been a whirl for two days. Yes, you have much to learn in a short time, she told me. I banged a werewolf, part three. About an hour later I found myself standing in the middle of a field. Teigen and I propped up against each other for balance, while her mom

paced circles around us. I tried to talk her out of this and wait until we were in a little better shape, that she was having none of it. You will both begin learning how to transform. You will both begin learning how to transform tonight, she said from behind us. Come on, isn't that kind of rushing... Wait, both? Tegan has never done this before either, my quote. Oh, when she heard how about it hurts, she decided she didn't want to, but now with the ones who are already changed, weakened, we need to teach you to.

Oh, come on, is this really necessary? Wait, hey, where are they? I asked, suddenly having a thought. Where are who? The were wolves, you know, the wolfy ones. I think I just had an idea. We have them resting in that trailer over there, she pointed. Okay, follow me for a second, I ordered, wobbling in the direction of the trailer. Once I got there, I stumbled through the door and over to one of the furry masses and started to comb through their hair. After searching for several minutes, I found what I was looking for. A small metallic glint, barely visible on a patch of skin and a few strands of fur.

Look, guys, you see that? What's that look like to you? I asked them. Paint, maybe, Tegan answered. No, I think that's mercury. I'd bet on it. I think I know where the silver myth comes from, and I think Michelle pumped them full of a heavy dose of mercury. Okay, yeah, I think I have an idea.

Here, give this bank card to someone and tell them to buy every... single old-timey thermometer they can find, I mean every last one in this village and the next, and bring them back here. Oh, and as many of those big turkey syringes as they can find, and gloves, big industrial rubber gloves. I instructed, as I reached into my wallet and pulled out the plastic card. What are you going to do? Tegan's mom asked, and she took the card from my hands. I guess I'm going to figure out this being a werewolf thing. You keep saying that, but it's not helping, I shouted after the second day in a row of Tegan's mom hounding me. You can say, I feel the change a million times, but I still don't know what the hell you're talking about.

That is because you are not listening to me. Would you both being quiet, please, Tegan yelled over us as she flexed and curled her fingers. I think I'm getting onto something. She added as I noticed her hand started to darken and her fingernails began to rise and peel away from the skin. Oh my god, the claws coming out for under her fingernails. You didn't say anything about that. Why do they do that? Oh, that's fucked up. Hey, Tegan's mama.

I'm kind of starting to have second thoughts here, I complained. She just swatted me in the back of the head and told me to be quiet. Then we stood there and watched Tegan struggle to extend the claws out of her fingers. Um, yeah, it might be a little late to ask, but once we figure out the change part, What about the change back parts? I asked nervously. We cross that bridge when we get to it. Tegan's mom answered. There is bridge now, Tegan called over from where she was still working on her claws.

What has bridge to do with this? She's your daughter, I said to her mom, who is just shaking her head in disappointment. Hey, Tegis, just an expression. There's no bridge. Just keep working on your fingering. I mean, no, that didn't come out right. Keep what you're doing, sweetheart, I reassured her. Okay, now, can you please try and explain this to me?

Please. A few days later, I was starting to get the hang of it. But as I did, I learned a few unpleasant truths about the process. First, that my goddamn bones break themselves apart and fill in the empty spaces over and over like really freaking fast. And don't get me started on how changing bat works. The movies and books really dropped the ball on that one. A stack of all of the thermometer

kept getting larger every day, but we still hadn't been able to figure out where the big bad wolf was hiding out. Do we even know where we're supposed to be looking? I asked, as I finished destroying the toilet later that night. You smell like something crawled inside you and died. Deegan's mom half gagged as I walked out.

You're the one who keeps stuffing me full of food to change with. It's not my fault you're a weird Romanian, food turns to pure hate inside me, I said as Teigen walked past me to take her turn in the bathroom, her almost completely transformed arms nearly dragging across the floor. Okay, um, that looks really weird from the outside. About the time I finished my sentence, someone slung the door open and stuck their head inside, which she immediately regretted doing, judging by the look on his face.

Once he'd managed to recover, he looked toward Tegan's mom and said something in Romanian. when she heard what he said she's still up and said we might not the area he's hiding he said that someone saw that carriage woman on the other side of town but they don't know where she was leaving or going to well that's something right i mean at least there haven't been any giant werewolf sightings yet i replied yes we knew it would take him some time to recover so for that we are very lucky she says um the man sticking his head through the door started before saying something else in Romanian. Yes, I know it is bad. You may go now. Wait, leave the door open. She told him as she left. So, uh, what exactly makes this guy so bad?

I never got the whole story, I asked. He is, um, what is the word? Ah, what you call, um, psychopath? He enjoys seeing, I think, suffer, and, um, when you can turn into a giant wolfmaster that can heal in an instance, that's not a great mix, I finished for her. More or less, that is right, and he will very likely want to take revenge on the people who have been holding him captive all these centuries, which is probably the only reason he would

stay in the area. It would be an almost impossible task to find him if he were to leave, she explained. So, um, you're all basically standing around acting like bait for this guy. I am not standing, Teigen shouted from the bathroom. I didn't mean literally standing. I called back. Hey, are everything okay in there? I do not want to be talking about it.

After a few more days, Teagan's mom had determined that Teagan and I could make the full chains once we needed to. But a mum had explained that we would need a ridiculous amount of food inside us to make a full change. Apparently, experienced werewolves can start changing and take in more food as they go, like the one we were after, unfortunately enough.

But, from what I heard, it sounds like some kind of super metabolism. It starts to get really silly when you realize what it means if you can't do that and have to pack in enough food to instantly grow from five-foot-something to over seven feet with a build like Mr. Olympia. You ever seen Willy Wonka? Yeah, again, much less visually aesthetic than the movies. So after learning that I'll have to basically be stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey,

I brought everyone to the now sizable pile of old thermometers and had Tegan's mom help explain the play. to everyone, which, if you haven't figured it out for yourself already, was to use the mercury from the thermometers in the giant syringes to basically base Big Bad into a coma until they can figure out what to do with him. The problems were in finding him, and literally everything between that and him being unconscious. From what Tegan's mom told me, it had taken a small army to catch him the first time, and well, we barely had a small gang at the time, so none of us were looking forward to what came next.

Tension started to rise after we were told we were running out of time until he would have recovered. Everyone was freaking out and had their noses to the grindstone trying to figure out the insane game of hide-and-seek. Just as we started to get desperate, we got lucky, I think. Me and Tegan were both passed out on the couch after a night of prowling around the village when her mom practically kicked the door. Someone has seen the carriagewoman in town buying a lot of meat, she shouted into the room. "'Come, get back here. I break in your legs,' Teagan mumbled as she broke up. "'What the hell do you dream about? What about meat?' I asked her mom.

"'The woman has been seen buying piles of meat in town, but we lost her,' she answered. "'So we have an idea where to look now? Come back with my coconut.' Teague, baby, wake up. You're chasing coconuts. Get your head in the game,' I said, shaking her awake as carefully as possible. She tends to come up swinging sometimes. Hmm. What game are we playing? She mumbled, wiping her eyes.

You're adorable, but it's time to get up. We have to go look for the bad guys again, I told her as she woke up. We know where to look this time, I added, when I saw the agitated look on her face. Where is this place? she asked. The market on the far side of town. If we wait long enough, we will likely see her again, and then we can follow her back to him. Her mom explained.

Oh, this is a stakeout. Are we doing a stakeout? I blurted out. Oh, my God, this is taking forever. I complained after sitting on the rooftop of a building across the street from the deli for most of the day. Hush, you were the one who was excited about this earlier. I didn't know it would take this long. Be quiet.

I already told you how serious this is. If she's taking meat to him, then he is likely already changing. If this is true, he will be much harder to deal with now. She hissed at me under her breath. I think, I am seeing her, Tegan suddenly said, causing us both to look down to the deli. There she was, looking back and forth as she tiptoed into the building. We all shifted in place as the situation set in.

Once we collected ourselves, we rushed downstairs and got ready. to follow her. A few minutes later she finally walked back out, and I don't know if you've ever tailed anyone before, but it's really freaking hard. It turns out not being seen by one person makes you look really goddamn weird to everyone else. We followed her for about a mile before she rounded a corner just ahead of us. Oh, she's just up ahead, I told them as I tried to speed up to keep from losing her. But before I could reach the corner, a crazy, A crazy, strong gust of wind blew through the alley and almost knocked me over. By the time I was able to turn the corner, she was already gone.

What the hell? She was right there. I groaned as I looked down in the empty streets. You said this woman drives a wagon around, yes. Tegan's mum asked as she poured out an old book and set it on the table in her home. Yeah, old black wagon, horses and everything. Hmm, she mumbled to herself as she flipped through the book page by page. I, um, is this like a book about masters or something? I asked.

Yes. So you just have an old book of masters sitting around? Of course. Do you not? she asked back. Maybe, but not one this old. Ah, here it is, she suddenly shouted, almost causing me to fall out of my chair. Jesus, what's here? I croaked. This woman is probably a Vantua. an evil wind spirit that travels by wagon. Oh, of course. Why wouldn't everything suddenly get twice as weird?

I've been carted around by a demon this whole time. I sighed. Now, this place is ridiculous. Look here, Tegan's mom told me, turning my head to look at the book. You too, Tegan, this might help. It is said that they live in lakes and in the woods, so...

So we can rule out lakes, because Big Bad probably isn't hand. out at the bottom of a pond. Exactly, so we must search the woods near the place she vanished first. She declared as she whipped out a map. Go, get everyone together now and meet me out front. So me and Tegan took off and started rounding up every changed werewolf we could find, or the wolf waffer, as I decided to call them.

Because, you know, nothing lightens the mood like a Nazi pun. Well, anyway, after we'd collected the gang of werewolves together, yes, I realize how that sounds, and somehow it's. It's not the weirdest thing going on. Well, we all met up where Teagan's mum told us to. When we got there, she already had the basting syringes and salvage mercury ready. Here, help me fill them, she instructed, handing me a pair of the rubber gloves. You are sure this will work, she asked as I took them.

Um, I have no idea. I'm shooting in the dark here. Then she stopped and stared at me for a second in silence. You what? Hey, if you have a better idea, I'm waiting to hear it. Personally, I'd rather not have to get close enough to that thing and get ripped in half like a phone book and then try and jab the bastard with a turkey baster, but I'm trying, okay. Taking a deep breath, Tegan's mom spoke again. We need to get you ready. Go with Tegan.

And with that she turned and began speaking to someone else in Romanian. Come with me, Tegan said, taking me by the wrist and leading me to another trailer. What are we doing now? I asked as she pulled me along. Everyone who can change into wolf will. Oh, so, um, food? I asked again. This is right, but you and me will change later. We will search near border of town first. It is easier to do this in human form.

Instead of a seven-foot wolfs, I finish for her. Correct. Well, I grossly underestimated the amount of food I'd have to put in my Let's just say for the record that Kyle Hill would be very happy to know that to turn from a hundred and seventy-something pound person to a four hundred pound werewolf. Even with the crazy werewolf metabolism, you still need more than 230 pounds of food inside you, which is not an easy thing to do in a hurry, because, well, science. Why is this important, you might ask?

Wait for it. Just wait for it. So there I was next to Teigen, waddling through the streets of Romania, Parts of me rubbing against other parts of me that have never been rubbed against before. Tegan, I can't breathe. Tegan, wait, I can't breathe. You have to wait for me. I begged through my abnormally puffy cheeks.

She stopped and rocked herself to face my direction. I am beginning to be thinking this is not as inconspicuous as I originally thinks, she admitted, looking at my Jean-Pinnett-esque figure, struggling to stay upright. She was having a lot easier time holding her body up than I was, and that was when we both realized it was because of her unusual strength. Tegan, I need to tell you something really important.

Come closer, I weased. What is the matter? she asked, leaning in towards me. Tegan, Tegan, it's my stomach. If I fight right now, I'm going to take off like a lamb mine. Whole street's going to wake up. You are gross, she half-scored. half laughed as she slapped me in the arm. Hell of a honeymoon, isn't it?

I joked, and she helped me stand up and start back down the street. Oh yes, we are married, are we not? I almost forget because of everything, she thought out loud as we continued our waddle together. After a while, we could finally see the woods in the distance. We decided on taking a quick rest since I was on the verge of passing out. Deegan helped me lower myself down onto a bench, which after a moment was when I...

noticed the bent street sign. I'd just realize where we were. Son of a bitch, I huffed. Are we outside the inn? I asked. I've been living in Teigen's caravan since I left for the bait and switch wedding that day.

Hey, Teague, I think... I just... I started to say, but a loud crash and a sharp scream broke the silence. We both jumped off the bench and sprinted towards the direction of the screen. Kind of, kinder. You go ahead and look around.

I will go ahead and change in this alley. Teagan shouted, but behind me as she bounced her way in between two shops. Oh my God, Teague. Teague, get back here. I'm already freaking out, and you're going to tell me to charge him by myself? Tegan, oh, damn it, I hissed after her.

But she didn't answer, so after a few seconds, I started to slowly shuffle towards the sound. before long I noticed a gigantic hole in the side of a home near the woods. Oh, boy, don't worry, Milo. Here just a 400-pound marshmallow investigating a blood-curling scream in the middle of Dracula's backyard with an evil werewolf running loose.

What could possibly happen? I tiptoed as best I could through the yawning opening in the house and into the dark ruin just on the other side. I could feel an awful, sinking feeling in the peasant. pit in my stomach, and it got worse with each slow, shaky step that I took. I could feel my breath shortened as I inch closer to the stairs, and just as I raised my foot to take the first step, heard the sound of crunching glass behind me. Oh, shit. By the time I could spin around something had already wrapped around my neck. I felt my feet lift off the ground and my back slam against

the wall. There was a gust of hot air and an ear-splitting roar, short. the house. My ear is still ringing, the monster lowered his head down to my face. Grandma, what bad breath you have. Is that blood? That's blood, isn't it? I groaned. My new chins almost covering my bottom lip as the thing's hand squeezed my throat. In the faint light I could see a thick red fluid dripping from his snout. Then the nightmarious realization of what had happened in the home just before I got there danced through my mind. Small world, am I right? Michelle's voice spoke from beside me.

Oh, have you gained a little weight? Well, you know, it's kind of hard to get into the gym lately. I coughed. So, I had a thought before, Cucka, before you're a home invasion. You were using me right from the start, weren't you? Well, aren't you a clever little cub? Drop him, big guy.

She told the beast to let me crumple to the floor. Yes, yes I was. I've been funneling idiots like you into that pub ever since I caught on to that woman's little secrets. Do you know what it's like spanning five years trying to get a woman late? Well, I knew if I could get her to accidentally turn someone, she'd have to take you back to their little base camp. Yeah, okay, but why, though? I gasped from under the rubble on the ground. Hmm, I guess it's been so long I don't exactly remember why.

something to do with the plan i think but are you serious you don't even remember i asked in astonishment no you moron i'm a van'tway's soing chaos and destruction is in my nature and well look at him he's the walking manifestation of it she told me gesturing at the behemoth looming over me yeah they uh grow up so fast don't they i mocked trying to rot myself off a piece of wood that was jammed into my ass cheek. Now able to get a good look, I could see that he wasn't as large as he was in the prison, but he was still bigger than all the other wolves in the village. So, what happens now? I questioned.

Once we get this guy back to full strength, we're going to tear that little village and everyone in it to pieces, then move on to bigger and better things, I suppose. Why so curious? Oh, same reason Hitler killed himself. "'What?' "'Storlin,' I yelled as I jammed the baster into the monster's thigh and emptied the mercury into it. I dove to one side as Tegan, finally a full-size werewolf, lunged into the house from the outside, drilling him in the back and sending him crashing into the far wall, almost knocking it down. "'Yeah, that's my wife,' I shouted, before coming to my senses.

"'Oh, oh!' I whimpered, as I tried to scuttle away from the melee behind him. me as Teigen and Big Bad rolled across the floor, tearing the house apart. But it didn't get too far before I felt a sharp pain in my back, right before my legs went numb. I turned to look over my shoulder to see the monster's claws embedded deep into my spine. I screamed in agony as Teigen jumped back on top of him, causing the talons to be ripped from my back. I struggled to drag myself into the far room as I felt the separated vertebrae trying to reconnect and repair themselves.

Wow, that's a lot of damage. I managed to cough as I pulled myself around the corner into the kitchen. Okay, just remember what the mean old hag told you. I gassed myself as I fought for air. Slowly I closed my eyes and tried to focus. After a few seconds, I could start to feel it happen and it wasn't great. Now, imagine having your whole body torn apart and going, Okay, more of that then, let's keep it.

keep going. It was unimaginably difficult, but the sound of Teigen's struggle in the background kept me motivated. I knew I was almost there once I felt the nails being lifted and torn off my fingers and toes as the bone stretched out into a long, pointed claws, and finally I stood, wobbling on my new legs. It's really weird standing on legs with an extra bend in them when you never have before. Once I was able to stabilize myself, I crept around the corner where the squaw was still raging and got a good eye on big baths once i had a clean shot i made my move and i missed i went much much faster than i ever expected and the next thing i knew i was outside awkwardly picking myself off the cobblestone streets apparently i dove straight through the far wall

i look back to see three heads looking over the rubble where the wall used to be all staring at me in confusion used to this, okay? I tried to shout at them, but it just came out as some sort of weird, whining, wheezy noise. All right, can't talk like this, I thought to myself. Teagan just shook her head in disappointment before the brawl started back up, but only for a second before she was launched through the hole herself and out into the street next to me. As she got back to her feet, she held up her own syringe, now empty. We both turned to see him shaking his head, the metal now taking a noticeable effect. What the...

You. Little shit. You figured out the mercury, didn't you? Michelle growed at me as I grinned back at her and shrugged my shoulders. Oh, are you going to be okay? We need to get you out of here. There's too much in your body. You're not big enough.

But her voice was cut short as he lunged at her, knocking her down behind the crumbling wall. We had a few moments of horrible screaming and agonizing wailing, and then, silence again. After a few moments he stood back up, a single arm hanging from his jaws. I turned slowly towards Tegan as if to ask, what happens when a werewolf eats another supernatural being?

And the look she gave me said, very clearly, run, so we both took off in a panic down the street. In the distance we could hear him tearing himself out of the desolated home and begin to follow. Teagan was starting to break away since I still wasn't used to the whole new leg thing, occasionally tripping over myself as I ran. As I ran, I could hear the massive creature getting closer and closer and closer, and then we hit a dead end, brick and stone on all sides.

We had literally run straight in between a rock and a harplains. We both turned. Teigen much more ready to fight than me, who, even though aware of my new durability, he was still very well aware that this shit hurts. Oh, hell, I guess let's do this then. I thought to myself, as he began to creep towards us with a deep snarl, raking his claws across the stone walls, ripping deep gashes down them. There he was, bearing down on us both, already much bigger than before.

And I felt my body start to tighten as Tegan began to lower herself to charge forward. And then, he looked up. Curious to what he found so important at a time like that, I looked up too. Well, if you told me when I'd boarded the plane to come to Romania, that the most relief I'd ever feel in my life would be realizing I was surrounded by werewolves, I'd think you'd lost your mind. But there they were, all around us on the roofs, large turkey-basters full of mercury in their hands.

And all at once they pounced, causing a chaos like you've never heard. Just a moment before I would have thought that it would have been enough, but after a few moments it was starting to look like he was getting the upper hand, the occasional werewolf being thrown out of the pile with a chunk missing from it. I tried to shout and tell them that he was taking bites to get bigger and stronger, but again all that came out was the same wheezing noise from before. Before long Big Bad was basically winning, and the neighbours were probably freaking the absolute fuck out too,

but the bad guy winning thing was probably the bigger issue. Noticing a few syringes laying on the ground, I ran and picked them up, handing Tegan a few and nodding my head in the direction of the brawl. He both took our chance as soon as he was distracted. His jaws clamped down on my neck as I dove it. I heard a sharp whine as he caught Tegan's head in one of his massive clawed hands and began to try and crush a skull in his grip. Luckily, I was able to sink two of the syringes into his bag.

back, but I didn't have time to see what happened afterwards. I felt the set of jaws tightened, squeezing down on my throat with unimaginable force. And then the world was gone. I snapped back to consciousness as I was being carried back through the trail into the small village. They took me into Teigen's house and laid me down next to where she was curled up waiting. I rolled over and rested my head on her, still fur-covered shoulder. I chuckled to myself as I thought. Hey, look, Papilo.

We both decided not to turn back for a few days, so we could take the chance to get used to the different anatomy, and we spent that time communicating through really big markers and notepads. For those sick few of you who are going to ask, the answer is, yes, we did, and we'll never mention it again. I was told that once I got big bad with my turkey basters, that let Teigen get hers, straight into his heart.

That one seemed to finally put him down, and he was being given a constant dose of more mercury to keep him that way until we were able to get the guy who originally built the prison to come back and fix the situation. Who and how, I have no idea. But they seemed to have figured it out somehow. I didn't see the guy when he was there, but the crazy son of a bitch really did it. He got big bad back inside with the chains and everything.

Just decided to let it go. I was sick of keeping up with all the insanity, all the impossible shit that was going on around that crazy place. Hey, I have an idea, I told Teague in a few days later as I walked up to her. What is this idea? she asked. So I was thinking that, you know, maybe I kind of like the idea of being married to you, but I wanted to ask if you... You are wanting to know if I want to be married to you. She helped me. Yeah, more or less.

Then she reached her arms out and gave me a hug, pulling me close to her. You are annoying and weird and ridiculous, and I don't understand any of the references you make and you accidentally help let an evil whirlwolf out of his prison. But some... But I love you. You are a good person and I like...

What's this word? Tormenting you, she said. So yes, I am happy being married. to you. Okay, good, so I was thinking about another thing. Two weeks later, I'd rented out the Vlad Teppis Castle, and we were having a real non-shotgun wedding that also wasn't interrupted by an evil wind spirit,

which is generally considered a good thing. The day before, we both had bands tattooed on our ring fingers, the idea being that if we had to change in a hurry for whatever reason, we didn't have a metal band wrapped around a fast swelling finger, which would hurt. bad. So, me and Teigen, having met only a little more than a month before, we're now both standing at the altar, getting married in Dracula's castle. I even had my mom flown in, along with my first edition copy of Bram Stoker's Dracula,

which we used in place of a Bible and an ordained, dudist priest from the first international church of the dude to marry us. It's a real thing. Look it up. So, um, yeah, that's how my trip to Romania went. Met an evil wind spirit. Evil wind spirit set me up with a girl in a pub. Pub girl took my virginity and turned me into a werewolf. You know, that old chestnut. Then I accidentally led the evil spirit to, like, the most dangerous monster ever,

and I got married twice in Dracula's castle. Well, do I know how to vacation or what? after all that Tegan and I decided to go back to America She wanted to see my home and learn where I came from And we also had this hilarious idea To turn into wolves and scare the absolute shit out of campers in the woods Good times, good times

Oh her mom also gave us that old book of hers She said it might come in handy one day And we should get to know as much as we can About the different things that they're out there Personally I think I'd make an awesome werewolf superhero like Blades Fersona or something. Well, I haven't decided yet, but I'm pretty sure it's going to go one of two ways.

Either the whole, with great power comes great responsibility routine, or, Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to Jackass. Maybe you'll hear about my exploits online one day. Who knows? And so once again, we reach the end of tonight's podcast. My thanks as always to the authors of those wonderful stories, and to you for taking the time to listen.

Now, I'd ask one small favor of you. Wherever you get your podcast wrong, please write a few nice words and leave a five-star review as it really helps the podcast. That's it for this week, but I'll be back again, same time, same place, and I do so hope you'll join me once more.

Until next time, sweet dreams and bye-bye.