Dragon Friends - #1.01. The Audition

Episode Date: July 12, 2015

Welcome to Dragon Friends! In this episode, we meet our brave adventurers as they audition as performers at the duke's birthday. Everything that happens from that point on is basically horrifying. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Come gather round, my children, I've a tale that you should know How the fates did charm three heroes, and they failed their saving throw For their destiny was calling, and they knew it must be grabbed There are dungeons to be delved in, there are dragons to be stabbed Our story's just beginning, our adventure never ends The saga of the heroes that they call the Dragon Friends. Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome the Dungeon Master, David Harmon!

Thank you very much. Thank you for coming out. My god, this is the first time we've ever done one of these, so it's really amazing to see how many people answer the summons when a Dungeons and Dragons comedy night is in. Can we please hear it for our bard tonight, Benny Davis from the Axis of Awesome. I can't do this alone. Can you please put your hands

together for the man who will be helping me by playing every other character in this campaign? You know him from Story Club and maybe from the ABCs. The checkout is Ben Jenkins. Thank you, thank you. I forgot that I already had a beer. Now you have two beers. I have two. A lot of the characters will be drunk.

We have three great Sydney comedians who have all, as I said, never played Dungeons and Dragons, but that's not going to stop them giving it a red hot go. So first of all, can you please welcome to the stage, you may know her from BuzzFeed Australia, it is Alex Lee. Keep that going for National Theatre Sports Champion Simon Greiner! And the man from Good Game TV Well Played, it is Michael Hing! Excellent. So, why don't we meet the characters?

Michael Hing. Yes, I have my character sheet here. I am Friso. Oh, cool. Yeah, that's me. I'm Friso the High Elf Warlock One. We just say Warlock, buddy. Huh.

And the little thing about me is I've never left the temple. So that's what you've written into my character. And I've grown up in the temple, never left it. So are you like basically a homeschooled wizard? Yeah, in that respect I am very similar to me as a person. Hey Michael, why don't you give us a taste of

what the accent of Friezo was going to be until it got nixed by the Dungeon Master. Because I thought Friezo could have been like a medieval Mr. Freeze and it was going to be like got nicked by the dungeon master. Because I thought Freezer could have been like a medieval Mr. Freeze. And it was going to be like, it would be like, hey, Filch, I used to meet you, or whatever. And I'd be real good. And Dave was like, that will be funny about half of one time.

Can you do another Mr. Freeze joke and see if the laughter is a little less this time? All right. Hey, Simon, I think you need to cool off. And then I'd... Yeah, definitely. Diminishing returns. It's trickling, yeah. That graph is exponential.

Also, I'd like to point out that when we were getting our characters designed, he insisted that his character be fuckable. That's what I asked. I asked the artist. artist i said could you just make one thing primo fuckable and this is what they've come back with so obviously between that and this is very yeah it's true cool all right let's keep it moving let's meet our next adventurer played by alex Filch is a half-orc. She is a barbarian one. What's the other half? I think human.

Yeah, we'll say human. Yeah, half-orc, half-human. All Filch. All Filch, all the time. I didn't know how much character backstory I had to think of. You gave me very little. I have a Facebook message from you that says, I don't know how much character backstory I had to go to think of. You gave me very little. I have a Facebook message from you that says, I don't know, make me a half-orc fighter or some shit.

So this is what you get. That's what I got. She's very scary and very good at fighting. She's not very bright. Not the brightest, but I also would like to think that she's very, I mean, very body confident. Yeah, totally. She's really, you know, she thinks she has a body that was built for sex, if sex is like smashing someone's head in with a hammer, which it is for her. Can I also point out, because you're so quick to criticise,

Ben, that she is, yes, it's true, she is weak and intelligent, but also she makes up for it with a bonus in natural wisdom. So your challenge today is going to be portraying someone that is both stupid but wise. Last but not least, hailing from the city of Waterdeep, we have the greatest champion to ever grace this stage. It is Simon playing Bobby Pancakes. I'm a halfling, which is basically like a hobbit. I'm a thief, so I'm very, very sneaky. And I'm just sort of chilling in this small town because I'm wanted by some big guys.

So we have Friso, Filge and Bobby Pancakes. We are about to start our very first adventure. That's for you, some dice. So are you ready to play Dungeons and Dragons? The Sword Coast is a region of adventure, a light point in a world of darkness, in the world of Faerun. Now, you three are adventurers who currently reside in the town of Daggerford, a small farming community of about 900 souls, maybe three days' ride from Waterdeep, the capital of the Sword Coast. The three of you have been living the high life of adventurers. Each of you have come from lives you'd rather forget and you have found companionship in each other in a inn we'll call

the Dragonback Inn for that is what it is called. Good stuff Dave. And you've been staying there for a while just waiting for adventure to come a-knocking, but sadly it has not come a-knocking. And your... Oh, I guess we'll call him your patron for now, the proprietor of the dragonback, a dwarf by the name of Grim Saltback, is getting pretty fed up. And Ben, what does Grim sound like?

Yeah, I can do, like, two voices, so a lot of... The dialect sounds very similar in these parts of the town. He's all like... Ah, you lousy adventurers. You lousy adventurers in my inn. Always in here. Never paying your tab.

Is he from Brooklyn? Is that where he's from? Brooklyn. The other capital city of the Sword Coast. You're lazy. Why didn't you go and venture yourself some money? He's got a dry wit. Grim tells you that even his patience has come to an end and he is going to need to kick you out of his inn

if you don't settle your debts, which have become substantial. So obviously the first thing we're going to do is call the Daggerford Tenants Society and find out our rights. Excellent. Well, this is a chance to make a roll. So who here... Our adventure never ends Yes, let's start exciting and go from here

So, no fucking Alex you made your bed, you're gonna call the tenants So, can somebody please make an investigation check, that's an intelligence based check, so Let me explain this, can I set this up quickly? Now, characters are better at some things and worse at other things, and we will get a sense of what they are good and bad at

by watching how they play. Their abilities are controlled by six stats. You don't need to memorise them. There won't be a test. Strength, dexterity, constitution, intelligence, wisdom and charisma. The higher their stat is, the easier it is for them to know things. So who thinks that they have a character? Simon and I have said that we're just electing Alex to do it.

Oh, great. Okay, so while you spend some time just sweet-talking Grim Saltback, you go down to the local town planning office. Yeah, the tenancy tribunal. It's a small office within... The fantasy tenancy tribunal. It's a small office within... The fantasy tenancy tribunal. Yeah, within the town. Excellent.

All right, that's a DC check of 20 because it hasn't been invented yet, so we're going to make it pretty tough. So go ahead and roll. Okay, roll my 20. Yep. 10. All right, you come back and you say,

I found a rat. Hey, cool rat. Can we get the rat to represent us in this dispute? Does the rat have a law degree? No. Does the rat talk? Hmm? Does the rat talk?

Oh, the rat is dead. The rat is dead. Alright, then I ask how much we owe. That's what I'm going to ask. Ah, you lazy so-and-sos. You owe me 30 gold pieces. This is probably a great moment for you to all check your pockets. Each of you has scratchings left after a life of not adventuring very well for weeks.

Okay, but how much are those scratchings worth, do you think? Are they pork scratchings? You have about 30 copper pieces each, which is about... Somebody here who knows, just winced. Is this like a decimal currency system? It is. Ten copper pieces is one silver piece, and ten silver pieces is one gold piece.

And how does it relate to the drachma? So you've got a percentage of a percentage of jack shit. Hey, Dave, it says here on my sheet that I have a bell, which I don't think I'll need later. How much is that worth? Wait, can I see that? Sure. Oh my goodness! This bell? This bell

is worth nothing, you fucko! And then he throws it at him. I catch it inches in front of my face. Well, you better roll up with dexterity, friend. Roll to see if you get brained by the bell. Fine. Alright, you've all

succeeded in embarrassing yourselves in front of your coolest friend, Grim Saltback. I'm in a scar band. What are they called, Grim? Yeah, Grim, what are they called? They're called... It's a dwarvish name because you're a dwarf. They're called Grim and the Magic Trombones.

And they are good. Do you play guitar or trombone or do you play like... I wail on the bone is what I call it. I think you're actually having, like, while we're having this conversation, are you having like a band rehearsal? So your band are like playing in the background? To be honest, this is why Grim needs the tavern. So unless

you can pay the 30 gold pieces that you owe him collectively, you are going to be out on the street. Hey, Grim. Yeah. Listen, I'm gonna be straight with you. We don't have a whole bunch of money. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

That's the sound effect and also me on the bone. Is there anything that maybe we could do for you? Maybe. That would help us square our debt. Well, you could find a job. And then Grim points to the notice board with jobs on it. Oh. All right, Grim.

And it's empty. End of show. Hey, Grim. There's shit on the board. It's fine. I of show. Hey, Grim. There's shit on the board. It's fine. I don't have any money either. All I've got are these two Mighty Mighty Boss Stones tickets. Arch nemesis. The Mighty Mighty Bard tones.

Absolutely. Thank you. Thank you. So we head over to the job board then. Excellent. All right. So there's a series of mundane jobs that don't pay very much money. Oh, lots of cats are missing.

Yeah. Somebody's favourite pet rat has been stolen. And there's like somebody's looking for a scar band. But... Wait, are they looking

for a band to play or are they looking to join a scar band? No, yeah. It's actually Grim Saltbanks put it up. He doesn't have a band yet himself. It's been there for a band to play or are they looking to join a ska band? No, it's actually Grim Saltbanks put it up. He doesn't have a band yet himself. It's been there for a long time.

He's dramatising for like a drummer. He has been for years. It's really sad. I breathe on that piece of paper and it just disintegrates. Yes. But you do see a new sign with a ducal proclamation. with a ducal proclamation. For the Duke of Daggerford's 45th birthday is in three days' time.

And as part of the traditional festivities of the Duke's birthday, a revel is to be held in the castle of Daggerford. What is that, like a party? Yeah, it's like a wicked party. Yeah, it's like a party. Hi, Grandpa. Can I also say that on the notice, it's like a wicked... Yeah, it's like a party. Hi, Grandpa. Can I also say that on the notice, it's like a baby photo of the Duke. And it's like, the Duke's turning 45.

Again. Just colour and shade. And also a wizard who's really good at magic sign spells has put beautiful clip art of balloons around. There's a lovely border. Anyway, entertainers, storytellers, and men and women with feats

to recount are offered a chance to audition for the Duke to entertain at his birthday party. Inquire within and then there's directions to the Duke's lovely castle. Hey, guys, maybe we should start a ska band. I'm sorry, that sign's disintegrated.

All right, well, I mean, at the very least, we can perform our ska music for the Duke. So let's go back to the hotel and see if Grim wants to... It's not a hotel! I keep telling you, just because you sleep on the tables. Well, let's go back there and see if he wants to take our scar band to the Duke, shall we? We're in the inn. What?

We're in the inn. I literally see, how does performing for the Duke get us money? Will he pay? Is it a paid fee? Yeah, it's paid. It's a paid fee. I don't know, maybe it says in tiny writing, no, it's really good for exposure. Yeah.

You've got to be careful. Yeah, it's really good for exposure yeah like you've got to be careful yeah it'll be good for your portfolio hey Alex I feel like there's a lot of like animosity between

your character and the Duke in the same way there's a lot of animosity between you and Dave like do you yeah

do you and the Duke have history Filch yes oh tell us about that uh me

and Duke have torrid affair. It end badly. Me break Duke heart. Like physically? Physically? Me punched his heart. He has one of those heart-helping machines now. Like a magic pacemaker?

Yeah. Okay. You now do remember the fact that the Duke's father died under horrible heart-exploding conditions. Luckily, this is the new Duke. Could this be your son? Would he be like a... Is this Duke like quarter orc?

Would you say that? You know what? I think you're going to have to go and find out. All right. We go, we go, we go. To the Duke we go. All right. The weather is already starting to turn

as you trudge out of Grim Saltback's lovely, warm, enjoyable hotel... Hotel? Now I'm calling it a hotel. Tavern into the cold, awful late afternoon of Daggerford. The rain is spitting down as you cross the bridge and you walk down the river. It takes a few hours towards the Duke's Castle, which is on a mountainous sort of...

Mountain? Well, island is more the answer. Somewhere in the D'Limbria River. Why does a Duke live so far away? He lives a couple of hours out. He doesn't like... He's the quality. He used to live next door to the tavern,

but he couldn't abide the noise of the scarf. Actually, the Daggerfield Tenancy Organisation, they just stay... Very hard to find. Oh, very hard to get involved with. So, you make your way up, and the rain is starting in earnest by about the time that you make your way to the castle. Now, there's a bridge is the only entrance towards the castle,

and in the rain, it's already starting to look close to being overflown. The river is a fast river flowing out into the sea, and it's looking a little bit dangerous. So are you guys going to continue on or are you going to turn back with heavy hearts? No, keep going. Why would we turn back? Because we're scared of a bit of water.

Yeah, water. Whatever. Yeah. Is it dark? That's Bobby's catchphrase. It's not dark yet. It's the magic hour. Oh, we'll be right as a cinematographer would say.

Well, who's going to be going first? Because, again, this bridge is looking slippery as shit. Me go first. Phil just leading the pack. Great. The heaviest of us all will go first. Great. Heaviest and stupidest. Am I crossing the bridge?

Yep. No, you're crossing the not bridge. And now that Bobby's in here. Phil, you're crossing the knot bridge. And now the bobby's in there. Phil, you're going first. Now, this is a slippery bridge in the rain, low light at the end of the day, so this is a dexterity check, so go ahead, roll a 20-sided dice

and add your dexterity bonus. I got a 15, my dexterity's 2, so 17. So Phil just sort of strolls across, really all casual. And I've still got my dead rat on my shoulder, but I've plucked a leaf and I've put it on top to protect it from the elements. Wait, do you think this rat's alive? Yeah. Okay, excellent.

So Filge makes it look easy. Okay, Bobby and I draw straws to see who has to tell Filge the rat's dead. Let's draw straws to see who has to tell Filge the rat's dead. Let's draw straws. I got a 17. I draw the short straw. You've got to tell Filge. When I get to the other side of the bridge, I will tell Filge. Roll your dexterity check.

I roll a 12 plus 3, 15. All right, you actually find it a little bit harder. Maybe the rain's getting heavier. But you make your way. Also, you're smaller and the winds are blowing. I'm very nimble. You make your way across that bridge. You are on the other side.

Do you have anything you'd like to say to Filge? Hey, Filge. Please keep voice down. Me rat sleeping. Filge, um about that I give a little kiss on his head So what's the rat's name? My rat name

Katie Listen, Filch Katie was a good rat She was a friend to you She was a friend to us all Listen, Bilge. Katie was a good rat. She was a friend to you. She was a friend to us all. But Katie's dead. Katie's dead.

I got a 12 and my dexterity's 3, so 15. I grew up in a temple. I don't know a lot about how to interact with people. Do you know what? Do you know what? For blithely interrupting what was a quite important moment between Bobby and Phil, can you go ahead and make a charisma check to not ruin the moment? All right.

I got 16, and my charisma is 3, so 19, yeah. Against all odds. Swat on through, they make me martini. Alright. Excellent. Alright, so you guys managed to make it across the bridge. There are two guards, sort of

stern-looking folks with spears. Can I just... Oh, no. What do they sound like? What do the guards sound like? If you got knocked into the border, you were going to meet a crocodile and they had a great voice for the crocodile. So as you... Van, let it go. This is Dungeons and Dragons.

No, no, no. No. As you cross the bridge, a crocodile puts its head up and goes, nuts, and then goes back down again. I just feel like you only have, you said yourself, you only have two voices, and you've wasted one of them on a crocodile saying nuts. So the guards sound like, I'm a dwarf in a scar band.

And what does the other guard sound like? Yeah, nuts. No, I'm going to extend my, there are two guards does the other guard sound like? Yeah, a gnat. No. I'm going to extend my... So there are two guards, and they're there, and they're grumbling. They're like, oh, bloody ape, what a good guard. And the other one's like, oh, actually quite a rewarding... Classic good guard, bad guard, I see.

The guards bar the door with their spears, and they say, hold, peasants. What do you want to say? No, it's,alt, peasants! The other one says it with a bit more gusto because he's into it. He's like, Halt, peasants! Jeremy, if you don't want to do it, you shouldn't be here. And he's like, no, I don't want to do it.

Yeah. What business do you have with the Duke? We are here to perform at his birthday party in three days. And not punch his heart. I add helpfully. Ta-da!

I add to, you know, give some sparkle to the whole proceeding. Oh, well, we'll see about that. First you have to pass the auditions. Ooh. Okay. Bring it on. So the guards unbar the doors of Daggerford Castle and you walk into a quite tastefully decorated waiting room.

Huge columns, tapestries on the wall, a roaring fire, which is a really nice thing to... Lovely. Are there other sort of people waiting to audition? There is one other man who is sitting on a bench at the far side of the room. What's his... Do you want to approach him? What's he look like first?

Yeah, let's size him up. He's a... Karni? Is he a Karni? He's probably a Karni. Yeah, he's wearing bright but cheaply made clothes and a huge feather which is on a tiny hat. I like that hat. I like the look of that hat.

Let's say hello to this guy. Do you want to steal his hat? I'll distract him while you steal the hat. All right. There are guards posted all around the room as well. I should mention. Who do you want that hat? We need some X Factor for our audition.

I jump behind Filge and I cling onto her back so I'm unseen from the front. And we approach the man. But we approach as though it's just two of us. I'm going to need you to make a high check for me. This is a stealth check, Dexterity. That's plus seven stealthy, guys. Excellent. Real stealthy, boy.

Beautiful. All right. All right. Reading a weep. Wow. Real stealthy, boy. Beautiful. All right.

The two of you approach the man who turns and paints a huge smile in his face and says... It just contextualises it immediately, doesn't it? Hey, who am I talking to? You're talking to us. Us two. Us two. Yeah. And he looks at Fjord and goes, well, hello. Hello, handsome, she says.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Leonard Swiftfitcher. And then he taps, tops his hat. Can I ask, is this hat with the feather in it, is it a fedora? You don't know,

what is a fedora? I mean, this is Faerun, the magical world. I'm asking you as the dungeon master, I just want to know how to paint the picture in my mind. It is very much a fedora. Yeah, it's a fedora.

It's actually a trilby, but Yeah, it's a fedora. It's actually a trilby but he thinks it's a fedora. I quickly decide that it's not worth it. Clam it down on Fudge's back and just say hey mate. Hi Leonard, we're here to audition for the

Yeah. We ask him to audition for the Duke. Oh! Yeah. We ask him, what you do for audition? He reaches behind Filge's ear and pulls out, quite clumsily, a bouquet of flowers. And he goes, magic, milady. And then he gives it to her and then he goes, I will need that back. And then he folds it up into

like a tube and then puts it back. Are these really wrinkly folded flowers? Yeah, they're very, very old. Can I cast a witch bolt at Leonard? Spells! Spells! Spells! Uh, yeah, you can. Alright. What does a witch bolt do?

Fraser, what does that do? A witch bolt is... Well, it's a beam of crackling blue energy. Oh, it's like a lightning bolt. Yeah, it's just like a lightning bolt. It'll kill him. It'll furry him. Do it.

Alright, I roll a four plus five is nine. Nine. Alright, well that will... Alright, he rolls, he keels he keels over dead. So like, he is super surprised. Because you just like

murdered a person. He's super surprised. Because you just, like, murdered a person. The doors burst open. The four guards in the room take their spears and they turn them, pointing in on you. Four more guards rush into the room. Okay, guys, guys, guys. I'm not done yet. You bought this on yourself.

Actions have consequences. At their head is a giant, larger than a man, six foot tall, figure wielding a giant two... Sorry, how high are you? You said six... You said taller than a man. Six foot five.

Oh, hey. With arms as big as arms. And feet you can walk with. And a head roughly the size of a melon. Taller than a dungeon master, perhaps. Wielding a giant two-handed mace. And he says, My God, what have you done?

I quickly scoot through his legs, climb up his back, and hold my short sword to his neck. No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. He's six foot tall, Simon. He could do anything.

No, I've got a better idea. You've got a better idea. Okay, Alex had a great idea. What we do is we go, ta-da! And we all just start clapping and being like, whoa, this best trick ever seen since birthday party last year. So you're... Sorry, let me just...

If I could just... If I could lift the curtain for a second, you're going to pretend that killing Leonard was part of your act. It's our audition, yeah. It's our audition. Well, go ahead and make yourself a deception check. Deception. That's yours.

Deception. You know what? Actually, I would like to hear one of you explain why it was your trick, and if you do really well, I might give you a bonus. Can I just say, one of the guards is like, just before he says anything, and the other one's like, oh, no, you're into it. He's like, yeah, I know. Just before he says anything, I just want to let you know what I saw,

which was he did a magic trick, and then that one killed him. And then the other one's like, yeah, that's what I saw. And the other one's like, yeah, that's what him. And then the other one's like, yeah, that's what I saw. The other one's like, yeah, that's what I saw. The other one's like, we're all from the same place. So,

that's what you're... Okay. Head guard. Hi. Bobby. Bobby Pancakes. Listen. We are here

on a very important mission. We've been passing as entertainers to track down a saboteur and assassin, this wizard here, who came to the castle to murder the Duke. So as far as we're concerned, mission done. And we'll take that gold.

Thanks very much. Roll your dice. I have 10 plus 7. Oh, sorry, 10 plus 5, 15. 15. I don't think a 15 is high enough to sell completely that, but you've obviously confused him. Listen, we should talk to the Duke.

The Duke is, of course, as you would know as residents of Daggerford, the Duke has been praying for the last 24 hours on his name day. You can speak to his brother, Davin Tyrell, if you want, the Master of Rebels. Okay, can I just ask before we meet him, is he susceptible to witch bolts, or what's his...

This would be a good time to remind you that as a level one warlock, you have two spell slots. You've used one of them. Worth it. I can't believe you killed me. I take the guy's hat. I took his hat. Can you write smoldered trilby in your equipment?

Oh, sorry. How intact is the feather? Miraculously untouched. Yes. Oh, perchance it is a phoenix feather. While you are robbing and desecrating a corpse. Oh, yeah. Does he have anything else in his pocket?

Sicaran... I start pulling handkerchiefs, side to handkerchiefs, side to handkerchiefs, side to handkerchiefs. And I take the flowers and I put the whole bunch behind my ear. While you were making a mockery of the situation, the guard indicates to the two guards who bring wide the inner doors into the castle.

And in walks a man who is clearly quality, who obviously has a lot of money. How big is the feather in his hat? Six feet tall! I just don't know Imperial. Which is great, because this whole game is Imperial. Can I reach him? He's 400 feet away. I don't see why not. They have a hushed conversation,

and the man who you actually probably recognise as Davin Tyrrell, the brother of the loved but slightly insane Duke of Daggerford, looks at you and says, apparently something about poisoners. My God is confused. He says, Mmm. Apparently something about poisoners.

My God is confused. And he's all sneering. So Davin... And then he slaps him with a glove. Who does he slap? That's Mr. Davin. I don't have any titles and I'm pretty upset about it. Oh yes, my pretty upset about it.

Oh, yes, my brother has about 20, but it's just Mr Tyrrell. Can we do a perception check to see if he's... One of the guards turns to him and goes, Hey, Master of Rebels, it's a big day for you. And he sneers because that's all he is. Can we do a check to see if we can notice if he's orcish in any capacity? Yeah, go ahead. That would be an insight check. So go ahead.

It's the brother. No, it's a different one. This is the Duke's brother. Yeah, this wouldn't be. You didn't have an affair with the Duke's dad? Yeah, so both of them could be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What?

Perception check. All right. Okay, everybody quickly make an insight roll. Is it investigation? Yep, insight, insight. Guys, guys, guys, I got three. No, thank you. She got a critical miss. Okay, great. Thank you, guys, guys, I got three. No, thank you. She got a critical miss.

Okay, great, thank you. What? Yeah, I got 11. A 12 and 11, okay. So you got a 12, you got 11, and Alex got a critical miss. Okay, so Simon. Yeah. Bobby is absolutely sure that there is no orcish blood in Davin.

Friso, definitely a human. It's an orc. He's another orc. Davin, Friso, definitely a human. It's an orc. He's another orc. So I walk up to him and I just like pick him up and I hold him to my bosom. And I say, all right, put them in prison right now.

And then the guards surround him. And I'm just like weeping on his head. Yeah, okay. So Davin, that's the final straw for Davin Before Davin goes, can we say Wait, Davin, so I mean Mr. Tyrrell I'm still holding him Oh, Mr. Tyrrell How well did you know Leonard?

My godson? What's wrong with my godson? Where's my godson? Wouldn't surprise you He was going to come and perform for me Where's my godson, Leonard? Leonard, where are you? What are those two guards doing right now? I don't know if they have the right clothes for it,

but they're going all like... They've got ruffs, and they're pulling their ruffs. Chain mail. Tyrell has finally had enough of you. He says, get these peasants out of my sight. And Sicaran, take them and lock them up. We'll deal with them in the morning when the Duke has finished his fasting. And Sicaran, for that is the name of the giant, six foot tall, larger than a man,

captain of the guards. And his guards all draw their weapons, and they say, drop your weapons. You're coming with us. All right. So I guess we comply, or do you want to fight? Let's comply. Let's comply.

Okay. Because I've been all softened from my reunion with my son. All right, now. Now I'm introducing him to my rat. I'm like, Katie, meet your brother. You can't take the Duke's brother with you, all right? He's gone. Simon and I pull straws to see who has to tell Filge that it's not her son.

I got a 12, you got a 6. Man, that's on you. Once again, it's Bobby's job. Bobby's going to tell Phil. So we go down to the prisons, I guess. Well, actually, you're kind of lucky. The Duke is fasting for 24 hours, which creates something of a power vacuum in the castle.

And it seems that Davin... I was going to make a dumb vacuuming joke. Go for it. I'm not going to. Perhaps if Davin Tyrrell cared more for administration, then this would be dealt with more quickly. But because nobody really knows what to do with you and because you haven't been charged with a crime,

you are confined to... Yeah, why not? Literally. Is it a crime. You are confined to... Yeah, why not? Literally, is it a crime to kill a magician? To cut! Is it truly a crime to kill a street performer? That's wrong, I don't want to be right! Well, it is, but it's not a crime to... It is a crime to kill a street magician,

but it's not a crime to perform a strange illusion, to pretend to kill a magician as an audition. And because nobody's quite resolved what you're doing yet, they don't want to let you out, so they've locked you in quarters. So they haven't summoned the sheriff's office, they've just locked you inside the castle in what would be... What are quite nice rooms, considering you're not, you haven't been, they haven't summoned the sheriff's office. They've just locked you inside the castle in what would be, what are quite nice rooms considering you're all murderers. Are these nicer rooms than we had at the hotel?

Just want to see, because if we've already gone up in the world. The question to that, the answer, can I answer your question with a question, which is, is a nicer room a room where you can't hear really loud ska music coming through the floor at all times? I don't know, I kind of got used to it.

I'm just saying, because if the whole point of this is we were getting kicked out of our house, and we've got a new house in a castle... What's in this room? There is a... Any rats? There are four beds. Four beds? There are chamber pots, currently empty.

So there's three plus one, so we can bring a friend for a sleeper. No, that's okay. Wonder who the last bed was for. There's like a top hat and a cape on that last bed. And engraved in the bedhead is an L in the word with beautiful woodland creatures around it. And then there are strong, very functional wooden doors that are locked. And then there's just like a bowl with some water and some rags.

That's it. Okay. I say I beg the rags. I study the door to see if it's susceptible to witch bolts. It's definitely not. Okay. susceptible to witch bolts. It's definitely not.

Okay. I just jump up and down on the bed because I'm really excited. Okay, should we try and escape? Yeah. Or should we maybe complain to someone? What are you going to do? Are you going to write a bad Airbnb review? Frieza, talk us through how that's going to go. Who are you? Well, I've heard of this thing.

Now, it doesn't exist yet, but we could start... If you bring up the Daggerford tenancy agreement. We could start a tenancy tribunal. I mean, I'm just saying, as three people who are lodging here, we haven't been charged with anything yet. I know my rights, our rights. We shouldn't be paying for light bulbs, is my point. All right, while Hing is ranting about consumer affairs,

why don't the other two of you make some insight checks? I roll a dice and I get the number six. Actually, no, these will be perception checks. Perception checks? Alright. No, not you, Hing. You're busy. 17. 11. 11.

No modifier. You here, so this has been a couple of hours. Everyone should be asleep. You guys are still here. Hing, Friso is just ranting about landlords and tenements and his rights. They can't melt steel beams! Witch boats can't melt steel beams! Witch boats can't melt steel beams! And you suddenly become aware

of something that first you can't understand what it is and then you realize, which is that the patrols of guards that have been walking past the doors haven't come round. And you realize and you deduce from this that something's happened to the guards in this area outside your rooms. Okay.

Are these doors, functional wooden doors as they are, what kind of a match are they for the shoulder of a half-orc warrior? Yeah, let me give it a go. I'm just gonna I'm gonna run at the door and headbutt it. I reckon I can take it. Excellent. Can I just

mention that you have a hammer. No, they took that. They took our weapon. That is conventionally what happens when you're arrested. I think you'll find we haven't been arrested. We haven't even been charged. What happened to Heidi's bloody car?

Actually, do you want to quickly make a sleight of hand dexterity check? Oh, three critical miss. Plus five. That's an eight. All right. You tried to...

You couldn't smuggle anything away before they took it. They've taken all your stuff. So they've taken my hat with a ginormous feather in it? No, they let you keep that. Do you think maybe I could use the end of that feather to pick that lock? I still want to try headbutting it first.

Okay, that's a nine plus a three dexterity. No, actually it's your sleight of hand. Sleight of hand, plus five. Fourteen. Plus five. 14. 14. You start working on the lock, and quickly you realise that this is that magical quality of supple yet rigid enough that you can use it to pick the lock.

And you have almost succeeded when an orc comes crashing towards the door. 18. I got 18 plus five strength. And the door goes down. Nice. All right. The corridor is empty. It's leading away, so you're at the very end of the corridor

and you can continue to sneak down the corridor. Is this what you're going to do? Yes. Excellent. Who's leading away So you're at the very end of the corridor And you can continue to sneak down the corridor Is this what you're going to do? Yes Excellent, who's leading? I am because I'm nimble and small Is Friso coming or is he still ranting? Oh, come on! He's on to like Beyonce and Jay-Z

And how they're part of the Illuminati Why do they organise the tour And if they're going to split up anyway It's ridiculous, it's all part of the Illuminati. Why do they organise the tour and if they're going to split up anyway? It's ridiculous. It's all part of it, man. He's actually moved on to about how there was a vast conspiracy that all the Zhentarim created a conspiracy

to fake the planar walkings and that there's actually only one plane of existence. That's a Dungeons & Dragons joke. Yeah. Look at those.geons and Dragons joke. Yeah. Look at those fucking dropping references. All right. Not a lot of them, but they chill out. So you guys continue along down the road.

Are you scouting the way or are you running? I'm scouting the way. Wait, where are we going? I thought we were, we've got it out of the castle, have we? No, we're going down the corridor. Down the corridor. He said road. This is not a jail in the middle of a fucking meadow. It's a roadish corridor.

A roadish corridor, okay. And are we going to go and wake up the Duke and audition for him? No. You instantly realise, by the way, that something is wrong.

Slumped on the side of the corridors are two guards. There's spears beside them. They... Small puncture marks in their necks. Guys, vampires.

Maybe the only thing keeping us safe was Leonard. These hands. These hands. No time for that. You guys, pick up these spears. Alright, you guys should take the spears because I got my witch bolts. We've got to get our weapons back.

Where did they keep our weapons? We've got to get our weapons back. You mean your witch bolt. Where did they keep our weapons? We've got to get them back. Who are you asking? God! I don't know. Okay, so... Is there anything else besides the small puncture wounds that is suspicious? So it's not twin puncture wounds.

It's as if they... A one-toothed vampire! It's as if they've been killed by a one-toothed vampire. Also, the torches have been extinguished recently. They're still smouldering. It seems that someone is sweeping through methodically, taking guards out. Okay, Friso, at least take this half-burnt stick.

Right, arming yourself with a half-burnt stick while you both use functional spears, you creep forward, make yourself a stealth check. 17 plus stealth is plus 7. functional spears, you creep forward, make yourself a stealth check. 17 plus stealth is plus 7. Excellent. 11. Oh wait, just him? Just him. Okay, you manage to scout the area

out and you're realising that this entire floor of the castle is looking pretty empty. You motion for the others to come with you. On this floor, you also find very close by some shelves which contain your gear.

So you are able to all quickly pick up your weapons and your equipment. Goodness, I was missing my scholar's pack and my incense sticks. I was missing my clothes. This whole time everyone was being so like... And my back, and there's lots of things here.

Do tell. Studded leather, mall, javelins, clothes, Heeler's kit, backpack, bed roll. We grab our stuff. I grab all my stuff. You continue, and now you've got options. You can go down the stairs where the lights still seem to be on or the extinguished torches and indeed the direction of the carnage

seems to be winding upstairs into the tower of the castle. Now, this might be counterintuitive, but if we go upstairs, at least there's nobody there to bust us. Wait, no, but if they're going down and we're going up, we're going to cross paths with them. We don't want to cross paths with them, do we? We want to follow them. Yeah, follow them up.

Oh, so they're heading up, are they? All right. We crave chaos. Let's head north. All right, can you all quickly make stealth checks for me? 11? Stealth is the second one there. 19. Six. Alright, can you all quickly make stealth checks for me? 11. Stealth is the second one there. 19.

6. Put your clothes back on. You sneak your way up the stairs and Bobby, hearing naught but the pitter-patter of tiny feet and the clank, clank, clank of a half-orc that refuses to take their boots off. And has tambourines for hands. When you get to the top of the stairs, Bobby, you crack the door open and you can see that the room is a kind of anteroom, an audience chamber.

Oh, I thought you meant like a black hole. Time and space end. Good night, everybody. Actually, it looks like a spiritual place. So this is an area connected to a chapel inside the castle. And you can see a figure slumped in front of an altar at the far end of the chapel. I say, well, this all checks out. And walk out of the room. Is there, do we see any, is it like unnaturally slumped? You're going to have to get closer.

Okay. Guys, let's go in and check this shit out. All right. Then we're agreed. The three of you walk forward into the chapel. They were just actually votive candles are still lit, so there's some slight illumination, but the torches are still extinguished.

You get closer and closer, and as you get closer, you realize that this is, fact the Duke himself, Alexander Tyrrell, the Duke of Daggerford, praying in anticipation of his name day in three days' time. As you get towards him, a wind rustles through the room, and some of the votive candles flicker and are extinguished. And the body slumps to its side. And at that point you see again a telltale droplets of blood falling from the neck and with what

also looks like a kind of viscous green liquid that is staining underneath his ear which almost immediately evaporates. I say, my son! He's sleeping peacefully! And I give him a little kiss on the head. Simon and I

roll drawscrolls again. Who has to tell? 17, 20. The doors behind you burst open and Sikoran... He's dead! Sorry. and his guards burst into the room. Ta-da!

The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing and Simon Greiner in a DM by Dave Harmon with NPC voices by Ben Jenkins. Shakira Khan

designs our website. The podcast is mixed and edited by Ben and recorded live at Giant Dwarf Theatre with music and live accompaniment by Benny Jenkins. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is mixed and edited by Ben and recorded live at Giant Dwarf Theatre with music and live accompaniment by Benny Davis.

Our story's just beginning Our adventure never ends The saga of the heroes that they call the Dragon Friends