Dragon Friends - #1.02. It Like She Me

Episode Date: July 26, 2015

Languishing in prison for a crime that they - against all odds - didn’t actually commit, the Dragon Friends hatch a plan for escape. (Spoiler: Plan is just senseless murder) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Last story's just beginning, our adventure never ends. The saga of the heroes that they call the Dragon Friends. Hi podcast listeners, Ben here, the man of at least two voices. Just bringing you all up to speed on the story of the Dragon Friends so far. In the sleepy town of Daggerford, we meet our three adventurers, Bobby Pancakes, the halfling. I'm a thief, so I'm very, very sneaky. Friso, the homeschooled wizard.

The little thing about me is I've never left the temple, so... And Filge, the half-orc. She thinks she has a body that was built for sex, if sex is like smashing someone's head in with a hammer, which it is for her. Down on their luck and in desperate need of cash, our adventurers decide to audition as entertainers at the Duke's Birthday

Revel. But before they can audition, they meet a fellow performer, a young magician. I am Leonard Swiftfitcher. Who Frizzo, who isn't great with new people, immediately murders. Can I cast a witch bolt at Leonard?

After doing this, they are detained by the Duke's scheming brother while they await trial. Okay, should we try and escape? They break free of their confines and sneak out into the castle. Some sneakier than others. Hearing naught but the pitter patter of tiny feet and the clank, clank, clank of a half-orc that refuses to take their boots off. Has tambourines for hands. Only to stumble upon the body of the Duke.

And so our heroes are arrested again, this time for a murder they didn't commit. Also, it's not key to the story, but you should know that Filge has a pet rat that is dead. Please keep the voice down. Me rat sleeping. And that is where we pick up our story. It's

one day later and you find yourselves in Manacles in a very sturdy dungeon with a very sturdy orc reinforced door underneath the duke's castle you are being held while they wait two days for a grand inquisitor to be summoned from water deep to extract a confession of your crimes of murdering the Duke. Davin, his brother, is now acting Duke of Daggerford, and you've seen very little of the world. Somebody from the audience went, shit.

Which is great. He's terrible. And you've heard very little of the world since then, subsisting on the gruel and mouldy bread that they have been feeding you. Guys, just... Do you want to take a second to just talk about how you feel about the adventure? Technically, have we been charged

yet? Or are we? Have they dropped the charges for the first little accident? Yeah, because... Double jeopardy! I think you will... I think you will... As I'm sure you know of how Faerunian justice works,

you will be charged after you have... You are in this... Obviously, we are in the world of Faerun. Ugh. You will be charged by the Grand Inquisitor when he also extracts your confession, of which we'll show your guilt, and to make sure that everything's above board,

you will be tortured to death on the same day. So it's all legit. Right, but just currently... Yes. Like, no one's really, like... Does everyone know? Like, if we walk around the town, are people going to be like,

we're in the prison. You're locked in a prison. Interesting. I made that really clear. Yeah. We just want to know about our personal brand. So they intact. Speaking of personal brand,

I'm getting jealous of Alex's character voice. So I'm thinking of trying one on. Go for it. It's not going to be that good, guys. Do you want to try out a few and see which one's the audience likes the best? I'll throw to you with a question, shall I? Okay.

In character, if you could. Hey, Bobby, what have you been doing lately? The problem with that voice is you can only reply in that voice. Okay, that's option one. Option one is Freezo. I was thinking like, hey, I'm Bobby Pancakes. Sounds very similar to Sweatback over there. This is more South France.

Yeah, I don't think Grimm's coming back. That's okay. All right, cool. Anyway, it's a bit Danny Zuko. Sit on it. Yeah, I like that Bobby Pancakes. I want to travel around with the Fonz. He's got Moxie?

Oh, I've got... You got Moxie out the wazoo. What about like a Cockney thief? What? All right. Give me a second. That's the one they like. All right.

I seem to really like that one. I'm a Cockney thief. I'm a Cockney thief and I'm going to steal your children. That's all. Oh, hey. That crime is not thievery. That crime is not thievery at all. All right, moving on, moving on.

The door opens. In about 20 minutes, the guard will be in to feed you a daily slop. And as I said, in two days' time, the Grand Inquisitor should have arrived from Waterdeep. Do we know anything about this Grand Inquisitor? Yes, you do. Why did you actually make a... Remembering throw.

Yeah, I think what this one is going to be is going to be... Which one is the remembering pass? It's actually going to be a history, so intelligence. Alright, 12 plus my intelligence is 1. I got 13. I got 16 minus 1, so 15. That's great, that's the highest so far. 6.

Alright, so what's going to happen is you're going to come over here... Just to break in here for a second because it might not be clear what's going to happen is you're going to come over here Just to break in here for a second because it might not be clear what's happening The other players have blocked their ears while Dave tells Alex all about the Inquisitor Okay Phil has a flash of inspiration and remembers

quite a lot of specific and pedantic Sword Coast trivia that I was just able to whisper through her ear, So let's see how it goes. He not good man. He a Xantar or Xanax maybe. He guild member also from Canada. Sounds like Canada, but not Canada.

Also, it doesn't sound too nice. Okay. The end. Then she does a little bow. And the rat falls off her shoulder. Oh no!

The door opens and the jailer, the only friendly voice that you've managed to hear in the last two days, comes in with his little pot of stew. And he says... Hello, jailer. How are you today? Another different voice, sorry. Oh, yeah, I'm not bad.

Just sort of jailing, you know, putting people in jail. Keep me in jail. Any new recruits? No, just you down here. Anyway, here's your slot. Hey, J-Lo, before you go, how do you open this door? Well, all you need to do is know the... Oh!

door. Well, all you need to do is know the... Hey, Jailor, you show me your shiny keys? And she gives a really, really big wink to the other two. And the jailor looks at the other two and gives like a, what are you going to do look, and then takes off his ring and does like a jingle jangle and she gets really distracted. How quickly can I cast a witch bolt? Your hands are unfortunately tied and this requires somatic components. What's the actual physical restrictions? Are we like chained to the wall? Your hands are unfortunately tied and it requires somatic components.

What's the actual physical restrictions? Are we chained to the wall? You're all wearing crude, simple manacles. You're not chained to the wall. You're not chained to each other. You're just wearing manacles locked in a room. Hands or feet? Just hands.

So we can walk around and kick as hard as we want. You really like this guy. I mean, he's been really nice to you. Oh, I brought you the funny pages again. Oh, funky. But yes, you can kick as hard as you want. Should I describe them to you again? Well, they're...

Tell us about Cathy. What's Cathy up to this week? Well, she's... she's gone to the marketplace and spent far too much money and she's very upset it ends on the last panel so waving her arms everywhere

and saying so Filge like laughs maniacally. It's like the funniest thing she's ever heard. And they're like, oh, Kathy, get me every time. It likes she me. You hear a distant ringing of a bell, which signals the end of the watch, and the jailer knows that he has to go.

And you can see on his face that he thinks it's a shame because you get the sense that he doesn't have many friends in the Daggerford jailing community, and he's kind of attached to you guys, but he's about to leave. Hey, Jailer. Oh, yeah. Listen, we're here. You're here. We don't even know your name.

Yeah. Mate, what's your name? Oh, well, I really shouldn't. Hey, I'm Bobby. This is Friso. This is Filge. We're pleased to meet you. Oh, well, I've done things.

Just tell us. Come on. Sorry, I grew up in a temple. I'm very sorry. I don't know how to interact. I'm Barry. Barry Swiftfingers. Barry Swiftfingers.

Swiftfingers or Swiftfeatures? Swiftfeatures. Sorry, I forget my namefingers or Swiftfeatures? Swiftfeatures, sorry. I forget my name. Ooh. Hey, do you know Leonard? Swiftfeatures? Yeah, me favourite cousin, Leonard. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Anyway, I heard he's on a tour somewhere. Doing great. Have you ever seen some of his magic? Yes, once. Is he doing all right? Doing great.

Have you ever seen some of his magic? Yes, once. Is he doing all right? Are you wearing the hat? No. Barry, one moment, please. I turn to the guys and I whisper, how about we get him to join us?

All right. Yeah, I mean, are we allowed to do that? Are we allowed to just recruit people? Are we allowed to hire people? I don't know. Who are you talking to? We're talking to each other. We're talking to each other.

Okay. Friso, like, there's no rules. We're literally making it up as we go along. We're just living our lives. Oh, I'm so used to all these temple rules. That's what my problem is. Hey, Friso, you be you, all right? Barry.

Yeah? Let's get out of here. Not really, Barry. I mean, you're obviously a loser who doesn't have any friends. And we could be your friends. Okay, I think that's going to trigger the check. Damn it. What are your charisma modifiers?

Oh, not a lot. Mine's zero. Oh, mine's plus three. Inexplicably plus three. Four plus three. Not your charisma modifier amongst your temple parents, but like your actual charisma. I got seven in total. I got one. I got 19.

She got a critical fail. Oh, okay. Barry's been burnt before by people that it seems like anytime anyone gets locked up in the jail

suddenly they want to be Barry's friend. Are we that transparent? And he twigs. And he asks and he asks... And he asks a cutting question. You guys...

You don't even... I don't even know my voice anymore. Please phrase your response as a question, Barry. Did you guys... Were you guys just being nice to me to get my keys? No, that is not true. If I wanted your keys, I would have witch bolted you

and taken them. I've done it before, I'll do it again. To a swift features, no less. Yeah. To a, to a, to a,

to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a,

to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a,

to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a,

to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a,

to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a,

to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a,

to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a,

to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to know, like, I've done that to us with features. Your family's very famous.

I'm dead. EG. Just famous. Barry kind of loses his shit and just with a closed fist punches Friso right in the head. It's a critical fail. No. Oh, it's a seven.

I thought it was a one. It's a seven plus a four. It's an 11. It's 11. What's your armor class? My armor class is invincible. What is that? No, it's 14. 14 It's 11. What's your armor class? My armor class is invincible. What is that? No, it's 14.

14. And what's your dexterity bonus? My dexterity bonus is three. Can I just say there is a lot more maths in this game than I was told. A lot. So Barry, overcome with anger, reaches out and punches, but misses you and stumbles against the three of you. Classic Swift features.

I jump up, put my arms around his head and spin around to his back so I'm holding him in a choke hold, the chain on his neck. That is good. I jump. I'm nimble. Nimble.

Make a dexterity check. 12 plus 3, 15. 15. 15. I'm going to call that an attack. Are you guys attacking the jelly? Are you attacking your only friend, Barry? Yes. Yes.

Can I remind you again that you are all wearing manacles and none of you have your weapons. But we have the kickingest feet this side of Daggerford. Roll for initiative. Okay. Everyone? I got 16. I got 10.

I got 3. Barry got 10. I got 3. Barry got 1. Alright. Looks like old Freezo's leading the charge. I believe he has a spell he likes to cast. Hold on to your horses, Freezo. You might need that for later.

Freezo, your hands are tied up. You can't cast. What about like from the side? Have a look in your spell book for spells that don't have somatic components. You can use those. Everyone just bloody sit here while you do.

And you're delaying your action. Who's next? Now, when I do a sneak, is that counted as a sneak attack? Yes, because you attacked him and your initiative's higher. I'm going to call this a surprise round because no one would expect the three of you to attack him. I just feel like... Unless they've fucking met them before. So, Simon, you have advantage.

So it just means that you roll two of your six-sided dice for your damage. So, roll to attack. You get two and two of D20s because you've got advantage. Six. Yeah, that's not going to do it, friend. Okay. So you attack him. You try to do your weird ninja shit.

And because you're way too small, he takes you and he throws you down to the ground. Can I say that while Barry's doing all of this, he's like, please don't make me. And he's crying. Next up, Filge. Guys, I'll tell you what feels right Giving him a little headbutt That feels right to me Alright, alright

Alright Alright, alright, alright Filge Filge goes to like whisper and then headbutts him with her head on his head

Okay, excellent Roll for your attack Oh, yes So, I got a nine. That'll do it. Plus anything else? No, but can you, because you don't have your weapon, can you roll one of these little triangular dice

and add three to that, and that's your damage. Wait, it's a point. How did you know? It's that one. So you got six. You did six damage. I got six. You did six damage. I got six. That's six damage.

He's got, he reels back and he's got a bleeding nose. What does he say? He says, remember Kathy? I crack up laughing again. It's your go, Freeza. Thank you, Freeza. All right, well, none of my spells seem to be able to get any use. I could make everything smell like garlic for a bit,

but I don't know how helpful that'll be. So instead, I'm just going to... It's not really a big book of spells yet, is it? But time will grow. Yeah, but can I just, like, just choke him? Yeah, with the chain? Absolutely. That's grappling.

Yep. All right. So I was D20 to roll? Yeah, yep. I rolled a 13. Yeah, that'll do it. Excellent. No, what's your strength modifier?

My strength modifier is minus one. Ooh. Twelve. That'll still do it. And what do I check against? Armaclast, yes, you're fine. And then I roll a D6 to see how much damage I do? D4.

D4, all right. Oh, no, are you grappling him or are you attacking him? I'm grappling. I'm chaining this. I'm choking this guy. Yeah, yeah, okay. So, you push him prone to the, and you're holding him still. Don't tell him what to do.

Okay, so I've got the chain around his neck, and I'm using my head to push his head into the chain. He pushes his throat into the chain. But you're standing over the bowl of mush. Oh, I'm drowning him in the mush. What's he saying? He's like, I cooked it special for you. Like, I never liked your mush anyway, Mom.

I mean, what? All right. Barry tries. Barry, oh, wow. Barry decides to try and throw you off, and I rolled our first critical hit. A critical hit is a natural 20, which means that he hulks out,

feels just quite light, and throws you against a wall. He fucking Lenny of Mice and Men's you. Like... Quick, throw him that rat. And he deals three damage to you. Alright. So you've taken three hit points of damage.

And it goes back to Bobby. We've got to kill him. We're in too deep. I'm feeling bad. This is fast becoming a Coen Brothers movie. Can I remind you that a day ago you were here to audition for like an acting role?

Yeah, I know. Alright. Can I ask a question? Point of order. How long are to audition for like an acting role. Yeah, I know. All right. Can I ask a question? Yes. Point of order. How long are the chains between our wrists? For the benefit of the podcast, about two feet. Two feet. I'm not good with Imperial.

So I put my wrists together and swing the chain at his kneecaps very hard. He's such a nice guy. Roll to attack. He's a nice guy who's taken three damage off my friend Friso here. Roll to attack. Yeah, and I did nothing but try to drown him in a bowl of mud. Oh, two. Bobby, the terror of Waterdeep, misses again.

Guys, usually I'm so good. Barry doesn't even notice. Barry just holds his hand out like this as you swing. Well, you don't have to kill him. But if you don't kill him, you're not one of us. Incapacitate him at the very least. If I could just lean in with the Dungeons and Dragons ruling, when you're attacking with bludgeoning items like the manacles,

you can choose to knock people out when you do a killing blow instead of killing them. Oh, yeah. I would have done that then. So what else can I do? You can do whatever you want, but you have to kill him. Oh, shit.

Make a decision. I'm starting to panic. I'm like hyperventilating, but then I remember that I'm a barbarian. And I... Yeah, fuck yeah. Are you allowed to do it for your son? No, wait a minute. You mean you're going... I don't think I know where you're going with this. Huh?

I'm going to go... I remember my two... No. I remember that my son is dead and I get very sad. And I enter into a rage. Sad, sad rage. A sad rage.

The rage of a grieving mother. As an emo barbarian, you are allowed to go into a melancholy rave. A melancholy rage, not a melancholy rave. That would be like a goth nightclub. Okay, take two D20 and tell me what the highest one is.

So I'm like... 16. Yep, great. Now roll one of those little pyramid dice and add five to it. Seven. Now are you... Is this to kill or is this to... Oh, you're in a rage.

Sorry, no. You are in deep. You smash Bobby's head against the... Bobby! What? What is that? Where did you go? Let me finish.

Where did you go? You smash Bobby out of the way, which nobody had noticed because he has done... I noticed! And on your way towards Barry, and then you repeatedly bash Barry's head against the steel posts, holding the bunk, slop, slop, and torn up funny pages go everywhere. Yeah, he's... I'm just running the stats and he's not getting up.

And everybody gets 150 experience points. Yay! I'm imagining if you've seen Inside Out, in all your brains, Murder Island just formed. It's a core memory. All right. I seem unfazed by this.

You were raised in a temple. Yeah. I threw up in my mouth. You quickly take the keys, I presume, and maybe his wallet. Yeah, I also pick up the medieval...

We're not animals. No, no. You don't want... We don't have any money. We need money. I'll take his wallet. All right, inside the wallet. I take the photo of his family.

And I promise in my heart to visit them. And say what? And give them a single... Because their address is... Torn out of the local newspaper and just say... I killed your mom. Just show up with his watch to give to the kid. He was two days from retirement.

No, so Barry, you take Barry's wallet and inside it you find about 30 gold pieces in different currency. Congratulations. Nice. Dare one say enough to pay a certain bill. No way. We're just going to scarper, right? Let's get out of here. And you take the photo outside the orphanage

of the woman and the nine orphan foundlings, which presumably he looks out for. Or once did. Well, there were orphans before, and there are certainly orphans now. I presume you take the key and you unlock yourselves? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Can we keep the manacles to chain up other things later? Yeah, absolutely. I go to gently close his eyes, but I'm still in a bit of a rage and I just kind of stick my fingers in there. All right, you crush his eyes. Yeah. So that the people who come here know what monsters you truly are. But I whisper, good night, sweet prince.

The saga of the heroes that they call the dragon friends. I take some blood from the puddle of blood. All right, we've had enough. Hey, should we? And I write on the walls. We didn't do this with Leonard when we magic tricked him, but should we do like a calling card so everyone knows that we... Oh, we'll flood the basement.

You're not the wet bandits. All right, so you take the manacles outside of the jail. You don't this time find your backpack straight away on a convenient shelf. This is what happens when you keep killing people, presumably. But you do find a rearming station somewhere where, yeah, why not? Where there are a collection of the spears that the guards are so fond of, some daggers, and also what looks like an old short sword.

So you guys are welcome to that. All right. Well, I'm pretty good with daggers. Oh, no, you'll be good at daggers as well. I'll take a short sword. All right. What do you want? Whatever's left over.

Also, he had a mace on his belt, which if you wanted to use that as well. Oh, great. Yeah. Got the mace. Yep. Lovely. And you presumably want to get out, I imagine? Yeah.

The rest of the jail cells around you, you know, it's a normal medieval, dare one say, cliched jail moss on the walls. Looks like Minecraft, if that helps. No. Lots of cobblestone.

And there's no one else in there? No, it doesn't look so. There's a skeleton still hanging from manacles and another... Just to be sure, let's unlock every cell. Yep. Just so there's chaos going around. What if some of those people deserve to be in here? It would be a tactical advantage. What we need to do is create chaos in the town

so no one's going to come looking for us when they look for the supervillains. I also take that skull from the skeleton and put it in my bag. Murderous. Okay, so you... Bloodthirsty murderers. You unlock... Sorry, just quickly.

This is so... They were jailed for a crime they didn't commit just before committing a crime they really should have. They should have been jailed before. And then while being jailed for a crime they didn't commit,

they murdered somebody. Yeah, you're not exactly... I guess what you're saying is the criminal justice system doesn't work. Yeah, so let's unlock all... I think we should unlock all prison cells. All right, you unlock all the jails. They're empty, so it's a meaningless, empty political gesture of the type that Friso loves so much.

The state is violent! All right. So, are we going to go do this audition or what? Yeah, all right. There's no birthday. We quickly practice harmonising. Oh, so we're not, so the party's off. I mean, do we all...

Yes, I think the party's safe. Can we audition at his wake? Is that appropriate? We just harmonise. Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da!

Alright. Well, it's fine. No applause for that. You start to sneak out of the jails. You realise quickly that this time that you are underground. You actually you can hear sort of the dull motion of the

river and you realise that probably the river itself flows underneath these caverns that are deep into the rock underneath the castle. And you hear this like very faint, I'll get you next time. There's the crocodile. Oh, yeah. Yeah, nuts. Yeah, nuts. So the torches are lit and there's a long passageway leading to the far end, about 60 feet away.

You think you can see stairs, a spiral staircase cut into the stone going upwards. But it's wide out and exposed. It's a corridor. It's a corridor. It's a normal corridor. We walk down the corridor. I think Phil should go first. And then I'll go up the back

because I'm the biggest coward. Great. Cool. All right, you guys start walking up the corridor. Can we all really quickly make some perception tests? One. I got nine in total. Alec, I got eight.

Filch got eight. Great. You continue walking. You make it to the stairs and you start going up. Everything seems to be pretty normal so far. You quickly realise that this is opening up into the martial areas of the castle. Like where they do all the karate? Yeah, the dojo.

The castle dojo. Cool. Which is abandoned at the moment. Are there weapons in the dojo? Yeah, yeah. A katana? Oh, throwing stars. No, there is not a katana.

You can probably find equivalents to the types of weapons that you guys are most familiar with using, however. All right, cool. All right. And as you... I might switch out and get a bow if that's cool. You find a bow as well. Sick.

And... I say that on the wall of the dojo, there's a certificate saying the number one donor to the kids' program was Barry Smith Features, and there's like an etching of him holding a big check for 200 gold pieces and handing it to a bunch of kids. What is it?

Is it an engraving or is it a what? It's an etching. I take the etching. That's actually, this is clearly, this etching has been done in fine, you know, fine work by someone who clearly loved the man.

Yeah, it's cool. I folded it up, put it in my back. Let's go. Oh, I'm saying it's probably. I folded up, put it in my back. Let's go. Let's move. Oh, I'm saying it's probably worth something, so good on you. Because of your high perception check, you are able to evade the patrols that are going through rather irregularly. It looks really understaffed

at the moment, which given the chaos of the last couple of days and the fact that a delegation has gone to Waterdeep isn't that surprising. Again, this is a small town, a very small dukedom. Dutchie? Dutchie. I always thought it was dukey.

No, it's a dukedom. It's a dukedom. A dukey? It's like a small dukey. Look, it's an honorary title. It's just a town. And so you're able to evade. However, you also realize that most of the guards are concentrated around the entrance,

which again makes sense. You kind of have the run of this area, but you're not going to be able to get out through the front gates unless you want a huge fight. So your options seem to be to go for that fight, because I'm starting to get the M.O. of you people. Or you can sneak through the living quarters of the Duke's family. Okay, as much as I like violence, I also like stealing things. Yes, I was about to say. If we go through the living quarters, we can just ransack all the shit we want.

Alright, so you're going through the living quarters? Yep. We're going to steal all this dead man stuff. Alright, again... Have they had time to execute his will yet? I'm just interested in what's available. Are you going to write your names on paintings and furniture? Yeah, he wanted to give me this.

Take their toothbrushes. All right, so you make your way into the living quarters, which are similarly abandoned at the moment, and you start going through into the main living areas of the quarters of the Duke's family. As you enter the door, as you head towards the door, actually, one more time, you're at the front, Filch? Yeah.

Let's make one more of those perception checks for me. Four. Seven. Two. You put your ear to the door and then you signal to them with a practised ease, all clear clear boys, nothing in this room. We're good. Now let's see how good role players you all are.

Well, I have no reason to doubt her. Do you? History would dictate that she is always right and never dumb. Hey, Filch, I reckon you should try and knock down that door. There's a handle. Yeah, but we always like to make an entrance. It's true. And then I, like, go to put my hand on the handle

and then I turn to them and say, sometimes me think, whatever on this side of door, no one is worse monsters than us. Whatever on this side of door, no one is worse monsters than us. Can I stop for a second and say that we like to throw a lot of shit on Filch for being really stupid, but that was incredibly wise. Then I headbutt the door. You smash the door open and you find yourself inside.

Opulent decorations, beautiful velvet drapery on the wall, a beautiful portrait of the Duke with a falcon on his wrist, a portrait of his father, which you look at somewhat wistfully, Filch. And chained with a golden chain. Oh, and also a window which looks out over the moat and it seems to be clear sailing from that window to the outside. But underneath it,

chained with a golden collar around its neck, covered in jewels, is a lion. That was not what I thought was going to be there. Wait what I thought it was going to be then. Wait. I thought it was going to be Lady Gaga. It's a film clip. It's alive?

It's a lion. He has a pet lion. And it's asleep. Oh. It's going. And I may point out that it's pretty amazing it's asleep because you did have Filge walking through the door. Without a happily, you didn't bash the door down.

Yeah. Well, I turn to you guys and say, don't worry, me got this. Me talk to animals. Good. All right. Slow down, Matty. Can Alex talk to animals?

Oh, is that a thing? That's animal handling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you can go for it. Great. But you have zero. Zero. Actually, no.

Animal handling is based on natural wisdom. That's a sweet plus one. Yes. What should me say to Lion? You're going to wake up the lion so you can calm it down. Yeah, me just going to convince it to join our band. Look, no. Me think we still need X Factor for audition.

Me think Lion's really going to hit spot. Can we slit its throat? Is that a possibility? Okay, I've got in my bag 50 feet of rope. What I'm suggesting is we create a loop. Cat's cradle. That you slip around the lion's neck. Then, is there a...

Oh, what about... The lion is already, as I said, chained to a point in the room. Oh, that's fine Let's just take our shit then Yes, right under the window Okay, so what I'm suggesting Is there like a solid fixture in the room? Like a roof beam or like a

Yeah, yeah, it's all Okay, if we like looped the rope over it Tied it to the Put it around the lion's neck And then we pulled it It would pull it as far away as possible Are you saying you're going to lynch the lion? No, no, no What you've just described is a lynching we're gonna pull it as far those two are talking i

have gone up to the lion smashed that chain and now i'm sitting on its back and smiling you smashed the chain yeah so it's free so it can be free hello animals what so i'm like sitting on my back and I'm like X Factor. Alright, Simon.

Okay, make a strength check. I had a cogent plan and then you accused me of lion racism. I got a 15. But plus your strength? Yeah, yeah.

I did already. Oh, I'm afraid that's not enough to break a chain. It is enough to wake up a lion. The lion wakes up and you have maybe, you have something like three seconds.

That's what it sounds like. You have three seconds while it makes that dumb noise before nature finds a way and it attacks you. All right. It's Friso's time to shine. I cast Prestidigit. I'll kill a lion. What? No, no, no. I'm not goingidigitation. I'm going to kill a lion. No, no, no.

I'm not going to kill it. I'm not going to kill it. This is your last spell because you have not been studying a spell book. All right. Well, I'm using Prestidigitation. And can I like throw my voice, but in this instance throw a smell? Okay. Can I point out for a start, for people that, again, don't know this,

Prestidigitation is a... For people who don't know this. Who knew what that word was? Can I have a hand of applause if you know what prestidigitation is? Prestidigitation is the first spell that any magic user in Faerun learns. It has abilities. Can you read some of the things that you can do with prestidigitation? You can instantaneously clean or soil an object.

Like one's pants when approached by a lion. Or a lion's pants. Are you going to make the lion think it shat itself? Yeah, you can light or snuff out a candle. And one of the things is you can make smells. So I'm going to make the smell of like... A big juicy steak? Yeah, big old...

I was going to say some mad lion pussy, but that's fine. Can I just point out that when people ask me if this is an all-ages show, it is, except for you. I'm so sorry. I'm done with that, but I'll make some big juicy steaks down the hall. Oh, look at that. Smell that. Oh, you love

that boar, don't you? Alright, excellent. Everybody roll for initiative. Four. What is the lion's wisdom? The lion has 18 and the lion's wisdom is plus one. What's up, everyone? I got 20 on my little dice. Initiative.

Filch goes first. I didn't get on that lion. You're going to try and ride the lion? Yeah, yep. Make a hard animal handling check. Ten. No, I'm handling check. Ten. No, I'm afraid not. Okay.

You try to get onto the lion's back. The lion doesn't like it. And because you like lions so much, you let it have its space. Sorry, what is the lion doing right now? Is it just like shrugging? It's going, it's going. It's not even doing that. It's a talking lion.

And it goes. It's actually what it's going, it's a talking lion, and it goes, and then it goes. It's actually what it's doing is making an attack of opportunity because you tried to get on its back. Yeah. Because you thought that would be a good idea, and I rolled a one. So this is a tame lion that we really just, like, really annoyed. Wait, so did you just roll a one there? I just rolled a one, so I'm wondering what happens. Does it fall over and you're riding it now?

Yeah. You squash it under your weight. It's like, you've bested me. And to stage left even. Do you know what it does? The lion lunges at you because you're trying to get on its back, but it forgets the length of its own chain and it manages to strangle itself for four hit points.

Next up is Bobby. So the lion is like strangled right now? And in pain. Where did you put it out of its misery? Guys! It's still got jewels around its neck. So it's at the length of its chain, which is the opposite direction to the window, right? Yes, it's out of range of the window.

So I run to the window and smash it open. It opens? Are you leaving? Does it open? Yeah, you smash it's out of range of the window. So I run to the window and smash it open. It opens? Are you leaving? Does it open? Yeah, you smash it open. Okay. Uh, yeah. Just thought it was a little bit stuffy.

You can go if you want. Just know that, like, a warlock never forgets. Why are you thinking about this? Don't leave! I get the length of rope. Yes. I loop it around the lion's neck. Why isn't anyone just fighting?

Alright, yep. Okay. Fine. No, no, no. No, no, no. I don't want to. No, I don't want to. I get a flash of brilliance from God

who tells me to get my sword, my short sword that I've got, and to slash at the lion's behind the neck, because it's at the other end of its chain, right into the area that goes into its brain. Excellent. So, like, stab right into it. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.

God told me to do it. Wait, wait. Sorry. So, you're being cruel to animals because God told you? Roll a d20. 12. Yeah, that'll do it. That'll do it. Wait, wait, sorry. So you're being cruel to animals because God told you? Roll a d20. 12? Yeah, that'll do it. That'll do it. Alright. d6 plus 3. Oh, plus sneak attack. Yeah, you're attacking

it from behind. He got a natural 6. 2d6 plus 3. And this only works because the lion is trusting of humans. And humanoids. It's a 6. 6 plus 3 plus sneak attack. So 9 plus what's your sneak attack bonus? Three. So 12.

That lion is not looking good. All right, excellent. The next up is the lion, which smells the meat that Phil should cast. Freezo. So the Freezo would cast and probably would have run at this point, but now it is in great pain,

and so instead it spins around and attacks Bobby. You want to roll for it? All right. It's a crit miss. Bobby holds onto its mane at the back of its head, and when it turns around, it can't see anything because, Bobby, I am at the back of its head. That's another five points of strangling damage.

And that lion is dead. You don't even get I just think it should be pointed out that Hing is a vegan. You guys, you have won the hearts and minds of the audience. I just want to point out, none of you booed when we murdered a jailer

or the magician but I lied. Oh, that's too far. I lied. We just let it strangle itself. Law of the Jungle. Is there a potion? No. That's just a heckle.

That is the weirdest heckle I've ever gotten on stage I'll roll these ones for you guys And you all manage to It's an easy You're on the first floor It's easy for rugged adventurers Are there any treasures in there that we pocket? Oh yeah, actually Like a lion skin or something?

Do you know there is a small We've got a dagger There is a small chest in the side of the room, which you're welcome to take with you. Bags. All right. Well, under the ancient rule of bagsing, this is now all Bobby's treasure. So what's in Bobby's treasure chest?

Inside that treasure chest, you find 200 gold pieces, actually. 200 gold pieces and two small leather flasks that contain some kind of red liquid. Blood. My favorite. From the vampire. I think you found the voice. It's me, Bobby.

I've come to steal your blood. Okay. Now, it is still raining when you get outside the thing, and it's dark because it was dinner time in the jail, and it's raining. It's a day later. I just remembered. That's how long it's been raining.

You make your way across the bridge, which is not at the moment flooded, and you start making your way back to town when you see, through the mist, waiting on the bridge three figures. Two of them by their profile. You recognise... Crocodile, crocodile, crocodile.

As your favourite guards. And one of them is Sicaran, the bodyguard of the new acting duke. Let's just toss the money their way and get on with our lives. Sicaran looks at you and says, well, it looks like you've managed... Oh, do you want to do this for us, Ben?

Well, it looks like you've managed... Do you want to do this, Ben? It looks like you've managed... To get out of my little trap. How fat is this guy? He seems very fat. Six feet. I'm over six feet wide.

Yeah, no, he's larger than a man, but he's six feet wide. Okay. Sicaran is holding a giant two-handed mace, and the guards both have spears. You're not getting out of here alive.

You've seen too much, he says, and he charges you. In a slow but confident waddle. I've got a javelin. I'm going to throw a javelin at this fool. Great. We'll use the same initiative orders that you guys said before. So, first one up is Filge. Okay, I got 11. Who are you taking?

There's two guards and there's Sicaran. I'm gonna get Fatty. So, Filge, you're throwing a javelin at Sicaran? At Sicaran. 16. Yeah, that hits. That hits, alright. You do 7. 7 damage. He goes, right in the penis.

Moving on, Bobby. I yell out, my name is Bobby and I'm here to take your life. And I remove my short bow and I fire a shot at one of the guards. That's a 17. 17 plus five hits him. 22. Because of the water, the guard actually falls off the side of the bridge and into the water.

Were you here? Yummy. And I yell. Next. All right, can I cast spells now again? All right, I'm going to witch bolt one of these motherfuckers. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm going to witch bolt one of these motherfuckers. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm going to Witch Bolt one of these gentlemen.

All right, quickly. The guard or the Cigarant? Cigarant. I'm going to Witch Bolt Cigarant's dick. Roll, roll. All right, which one do I roll? It's a D12, right? Against your spell attack.

It's a spell attack. All right, sorry. That's a one. That's a crit fail. All right, you managed to shock your hands so badly that you slip and fall into the water. You're lucky that the crocodile is currently eating, but you are now in the water yourself, and now it is Sycoran's turn. Well that hurt a lot!

And he takes his weapon, what was it? He's got a mace. He takes a mace, and he goes, like other mace, this will make you cry. Sorry, can I just ask, as a member of a fantasy universe, what reference is he making there? The sadness mace. Oh, the mace of sadness.

Yeah, of course. That's a 10. Yep, plus his... Plus 3. Yep, so what is your... He's attacking Filge? Yeah. Oh, sorry, plus 5. What three. Yep, so what is your... He's attacking Filge. Yeah. What's your... Oh, sorry, plus five, plus five. What's your armor class, Filge? What?

15. Yeah, that hits. 15, yep, all right, excellent. Oh, that's a six. Yep, okay, so that does six damage to you. Okay. You take six points of damage, and the next up is the guard,

who makes a quick charisma... Oh, no, the guard is too hot for the guard. The guard bolts. So now it's just stick around versus the three of you. Wait, where did you? Oh, your heart wasn't in this job. Next up is Alex. Who?

Phil. Phil. Yeah. All right, let's just do some maul on maul action. Wait, is a maul what he has? He's got a morning star, but let's not quibble. What's a maul? You've got a maul.

Is that like a hammer? It's your blacksmith's hammer normally. Yeah, all right. I'm going to do that one. Okay, I've got a 15. Yeah, that hits. 20. 20, great.

Now roll your d12 and add 4. 9. 6. Plus 4. 9, wow. 13 damage. He's not looking good. He goes...

Bobby, take us home. I run towards him and on the slicked pavement of the bridge, I skid between his legs with my knife, with my sword held high. That's a dash attack. Make an attack. That's a three. You're in the water! Yeah! Alright.

I'm going to try and climb out of the water. Yeah, I think you should. Make a strength check. Strength check is six minus one You are still in the water. Okay. All right. Sicaran attacks Filge with the Morningstar. It's an 18.

That lands. Yep. And it's seven damage. Whoa, you're on one. Okay. Your go, Filge. You're down to your last hit point. All right.

Oh, well. Kill him. Kill Phil. You're down to your last hit point. All right. Oh, well. Kill him. Kill him. I'm going to go into a... I'm very angry. You're going to go into a rage? Because I haven't lived my life. That gives you two bonus hit points.

You get advantage and bonus damage. So roll 2d20. I got a... A 10 plus the 5. 15. That will just do it. And... And I got a 10. A 10 plus 5 5, 15. That will just do it. And I got a 10. A 10 plus 5 is 15 hit points.

Okay, you hit Sicaran right in his face. And he goes, not my face! I'm going to kill his face! Has anybody ever heard the soggy noise of when a giant half-orc attacks a man who's 12 feet wide with a giant metal blacksmith's hammer? Only in my dreams. Hey, Benny, what would that sound like? You don't forget it.

All right. Benny, what does that sound like? Probably like that. Zikaran goes down. You allow yourself a moment to pull a bedraggled warlock and a sodden, depressed halfling who is embarrassed like a cat that you saw fall over. And you pull him out of the water.

While they try and dry themselves off, Filge, you go through Sicaran's bags and amongst some minor, you know, five or six gold pieces, you find two items of interest. One is a small vial of dark poison that evaporates in the air as soon as the bottle is opened and

the other is instructions the instructions say sicker an my most loyal and trusted henchmen I don't know why I am writing this down I have traveled with the delegation to Waterdeep. Appearances must be kept in front of the Grand Inquisitor. My hold on the title, my brother's title, is tenuous and appearances must be met. Make sure that our friends do not survive to meet the Inquisitor. I entrust you with this as I can entrust no one else

and I will see you when I return. It is then sealed with the seal of Davin Tyrrell. Phil drids it out. Half an hour later. The Dragon Friends are Alex Lee, Michael Hing and Simon Greiner in a DM by Dave Harmon with NPC voices by Ben Jenkins. Shakira Khan designs our website. The podcast is mixed and edited by Ben and recorded live at Giant Dwarf Theatre

with music and live accompaniment by Benny Davis. My story's just beginning, our adventure never ends. The saga of the heroes that they call the Dragon Friends.