Dragon Friends - #1.06 . Non-Lethal Witchbolt with Andrew Hansen

Episode Date: September 24, 2015

The Dragon Friends make their way into Waterdeep with the aid of a mysterious and awful stranger (Andrew Hansen) but once they arrive, Bobby has to make things right with the Beggar King.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As glory's just beginning, our adventure never ends The saga of the heroes that they call the Dragon Friends So it turns out goblin justice isn't all it's meant to be When your half-orc friend betrays you, you'll explode a head or three So our heroes did a runner and they all got out alive And some other stuff I missed when my dominoes arrived. Our story's just beginning, our adventure never ends. The saga of the heroes epic or the dragon friends. At the gates they had a problem because it seems a bit has changed.

Demi-humans cannot enter which has Friso quite en enraged And when Kithesi just left them it was quite the final straw If these robots don't relent they'll all get witch bolts to the jaw Our story's just beginning, our adventure never ends The saga of the heroes and they call the Dragon Prince Thank you very much, Benny Davis! Before you can say a word, Kithesee is through the gates. Her cloak rippling is the last thing that you see before the gates again slam shut.

It seems that you will find no quarter with these robots, for how can one argue with a construct? Well, if... A fine question. Let's talk about that for an hour. Oh, Jade, I think you're fine. But actually... We ask the robot if a turtle is walking in the desert

and it flips over. The robot says, yes, I have seen Blade Runner. It was a fine play. A travelling team of bards performed it last week They say he wasn't a warforged But I think he probably was I quickly I quickly fold a small paper

Origami unicorn and leave it on the steps And walk away You realise As you realise that there is no way That you will be allowed through these gates You feel a tap on your shoulder And you turn around and see the filthiest man As you realise that there is no way that you will be allowed through these gates, you feel a tap on your shoulder and you turn around and see the filthiest man you have ever seen. Dad!

Is it Gribbets? No, Gribbets took the opportunity to flee for his life. Hey, see you later, guys! That's what he's saying as he disappears over it. And you're very lucky. One day you may see your goblin lawyer again. No, no, this is a man in a sort of filthy brown robe who says, I hear you're trying to get into the city.

How did you hear that? I wrote behind you, mate. Well, shall we meet this person? Shall we meet this person? Because to play this filthy cleric... Please welcome from the chaser, Andrew Hanson, as Plodrick. Yeah, thanks. Look at that amazing character art.

I'm so flattered. I'm so flattered that when I was asked to do this thing by these young comedians and they said, oh, we've drawn a picture of who we think you look like. This is how old that I am in the eyes of anyone who's under about 50

now. Simon did draw that so you can find him. Thank you, thanks. And we put you both sitting together. Lovely. So who is this? Can we meet this person? Why don't you address him?

Old man. In character. Are you talking to Andrew or Clodrick? Oh, I'm sorry. Yes. Greetings, Father Time. We look forward to the day that you turn into a new baby to represent the year that's coming.

Will it be soon? I walk off. Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew! Wait. Wait. Santa Claus, please. Starving Santa Claus. Mount. Starving Santa Claus. Malnourished Santa Claus.

Hello, kids. Hello. My name is... Oh, nice to meet you. Quick sidebar. Should we tell him our real names? Yes. I want to know your real names.

Good. My name is Gribbets. And I'm Bobby Pancakes. I'm kind of a big deal around here. I don't know if you've ever heard of me. I have heard of you, Mr Pancakes. Thank you. Thank you for finally calling me Mr Pancakes. Have you spent a lot of time in Wenches, Wenches, Wenches? The theatre restaurant, yes.

Have I heard of Bobby Pancakes? You have heard of Bobby Pancakes, yes. Yeah, because you briefed me a bit that I meant to have heard of Bobby Pancakes, apparently. But I don't know why I've heard of Bobby Pancakes. Bobby Pancakes is a member of the same underground fraternity that you are. He is also a member of the Waterdeep Guild of Thieves, Tricksters and Beggars. So we know each other? Professionally, yes.

We at least know the same cool handshake. Which they perform now! This is going to be great for the podcast. So if you're listening to the podcast, what happened is Andrew just stood up and did I think what's called a backflip. One of those. Mr Pancakes. Can you help us get in?

Please, Bobby. Mr Pancakes was my father. Just so you're aware, Claude Rick, you also know that Bobby is actually in a little bit of trouble. As I would hope Bobby knows as well. Yeah. What have you done, Pancakes?

What is it this time? Is this like a tough police check? Yeah, I mean, there's so many things. I mean, I left here in kind of a hurry. There was Tabitha at Wenches, Wenches, Wenches, who may or may not be preggers.

Preggers, preggers, preggers. Wasn't she kind of like a sister to you? A very close sister. He didn't father the child. He just oversaw the impregnation. Why did I say that? Oh my goodness. I am so sorry.

I was actually a chaperone to her, which is why I was overseeing the pregnancy. Exactly. Oh god. Clodrick, Bobby needs to get inside the city so he can link up with his friends from before. Can you help us get in? Right, well, he's an old mate of mine, so... Oh, he needs to hook up with you.

I guess. Friends. I'm going to step away. You're not helping. Not helping. I'll help him get in because he's part of my fraternity but who are you again? Gribbets. Gribbets? Why should I help out Gribbets? I'm a very useful lawyer. Oh, well.

Well, your honour. In my part-time though, I'm not a full-time lawyer. I'm also a doctor. You can ask me anything. Why are you sticking to this story? Because I don't want him to know my real name. All right, all right. He's just gathering characters up along the way.

Like a psychopath. The Tom Ripley. Exactly. It's extraordinary how many degrees you've got. You're waiting in this shitty queue. I know, I know, right? Don't they know who I am? I'm a lawyer I'm a medical lawyer Scanning, name, Friso, wizard

Not lawyer or doctor Dickhead Damn it Kludrick, are you going to help them into the city? Because you do know a way in Well I think I need to help them in or the story will never move forward It's fine Sometimes we just stay stuck for like because you do know a way in. Well, I think I need to help them in or the story will never move forward. It's fine.

Sometimes we just stay stuck for like two episodes. But let's not do that. Why don't I help you young whippersnappers into the city? This is what he sounds like, I assume. Thanks, doggy. Kludrick leads you away from the queue and past Gribbets, who's running off into the distance, free, happy, tears streaming. It's like that moment in the last episode of Breaking Bad when Jesse's just driving away and crying.

That's Gribbets. That's Gribbets. But do we view it like the last episode of Harry and the Hedgehog? We're like, go on, get out of here, Gribbets. Get out of here, Gribbets. Get out of here, Gribbets. Where did you go? I think in your mind, you were like, go on, get out of here, Grimace. Get out of here, Grimace. Get out of here, Grimace. I think in your mind you were like,

well, it was back to nature. It was crueler to set him free, but we had to do it. Definitely. And Kludrick takes you around into an opening of the kind of the sewers that sort of, you know, in the walls of the city where raw sewage floats into the plains. That was my favourite way in.

This is a lovely walk. All of the local landowners are really happy that this is the way that the municipality decided to deal with the sewage. We refuse to guard this for some reason. Mm, gross. You sneak your way through the sewers and... Can I not do that? That's gross.

That is so disgusting. Give him a heart attack. No, you can wait outside. Do you want to wait outside? I'm just going to hang out here. That's gross. That is so disgusting. Give him a heart attack. No, you can wait outside. Do you want to wait outside? I'm just going to hang out here. Friso would not go into that. Friso is from a temple.

He's not going to go traipsing through sewers. Okay, so... Well, if my way isn't good enough for you, my lord, you can find your own way in. What's our A? I don't know if I... Oh, no, don't teach them how to practically get through Do you know how much harder my job would be If they read their character sheets?

Wait, I don't You've not written image on here anywhere You've just given me a bunch of fucking Beast speech Does beast speech work with robots? Do you want to Beep boop. That's our word.

I'm going to hang out the sewers and wait for Bobby. Are you actually going to just leave the adventure? I'm not leaving the adventure. I'm just hanging out here. You wait at a stop, revive, survive rest station for wagon drivers and get yourself some tea and while you do so, the two of you

enter the sewers and have a chance to talk about Freezer now that you're alone. Yeah, I'm really sorry about him. What's up with this Freezer? He's a sociopath and maybe a psychopath. And a wanker. he boy when he wanks he makes this terrible sound like as you as you walk through the sewers eventually

the pipes open up into an area that you're gratified to notice is actually quite hygienic most of this was to show this area has been well maintained inside the sewers and Fr Friso is an idiot. This is the show part of the sewer. This is like the part the real estate agents are proud of. You could eat dinner off this floating piece of shit. The outside entrance is all filthed up to discourage people. But in here, this is the covered alfresco terrace part of the sewer.

Gorgeous. This is a well-known for bandits, scoundrels, this is the covered alfresco terrace part of the sewer. Gorgeous. This is a well-known for bandits, scoundrels, ne'er-do-wells entrance into the sewers. Do they all have three separate entrances for those three classes? I'm going to finish this sentence. Sorry. And you make your way through into an area which opens up into a large... Well,, really the only way to think about it is like a courtyard or marketplace, but underground. A huge area with stalls, shops, and businesses. Sort of bustling under city.

People hocking their wares? There are people hocking their wares. Can they hear them hocking their wares? Yeah, we hear some of them. Oh, fuck. I shouldn't have. Oh, right. Hock. You did that to them. Oh, fuck. I shouldn't have... Oh, right. This is a...

You didn't come on the hawk. I did that. One of them's like, Oh, wee for sale. Jars of wee for sale. So it is a sewer market store. Well, it is in a sewer, isn't it? Yeah.

And then someone else is like, Smaller jars of wee for sale. Can we go and buy a jar of wee wee? You certainly can. Absolutely. It's not like I wanted to do anything. Yeah, yeah, sure. I am parched.

You approached the wee merchant. Go for it. Right. Excuse me, merchant. This is important for my character. Is it the one selling the big jars of wee? Or the small jars of wee? No, this is an artisanal wee.

Oh, right. Yeah, wee for sale. Wee for sale. Organic wee for sale. Really? Which flavour is a wee? I'm really looking for something from someone who's just been eating a lot of pork.

Look, we've got... Let me see, we've got asparagus. We've got when you take Barocca and then you go, oh, I'm dying! And then you're like, oh, no, wait, I've just had Barocca. Okay, right. Same with peach. Ah, there you go, pork wee. That'll be two gold.

Mmm. Pancakes? What, sorry? Well, you're, can you shout us? Yeah, Bobby, can you shout us a jar of weed? You're the one who wants the pork weed. I didn't want... Do you really?

I mean, what would you prefer? No, well, I'm a vegetarian, so I'm not going to touch the pork weed. Sorry, let's just make it one asparagus weed. Oh, yeah, very popular for some reason. All right, that costs you two gold. Please write down in your character sheet you have a jar of artichoke weed.

Asparagus weed. No, no, he got you the wrong one. He didn't care that much. My heart's just not bloody in this. Well, I think we should get a refund. This is the wrong flavour. This is the wrong flavour. I'm taking it back.

You get this artichoke weed. Oh, Claudric, this is so embarrassing. Suddenly you hear shouted over this pointless argument. Wait a minute, this is the stuff of high fantasy. A voice that Bobby recognises. Oh, OK, yeah, yeah. Well, well, well. Yes, yes.

Bobby Pancakes. He gave us the long wee-wee. Are you going to defend us? Clodrick, take a knee. And then a wee in it. I'm dealing with pancakes. Bobby Pancakes. The Panster.

Bobbing for apples. Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Pan Snakes. Snakes. Snake Boy. You recognise the Beggar King himself. A man that is so familiar to you that he has ten other nicknames for you. Bingo! Blorps!

Bob, Bob, Bobby the Fucko! Fuckhead! Dick! Oh, you, you, you, you piece of shit, Bobby! Bob, Bob! Robert! Oh, you're a piece of shit, Bobby. Bob. Robert. Bobby Pancakes. That's like your name with a question mark at the end and an exclamation mark. In fantasy and grammar circles.

In Terabat. Don't you let me finish, you cheeky bastard. That was ten. Congratulations. One of them was just the word fuck. The low bar for clapping. Don't be too proud of yourself. You recognise the man to be Janos Myr, the pauper king of Waterdeep,

one of the most powerful guildmasters in the city and the man whom you, Bobby, personally owe 100 gold pieces to. Oh, I see you've got money to spend on artisanal wee, but not artisanal me. Thirsty, Janos? I'd much rather know what you're doing here and what Clodrick's done bringing you to me. Well done, Clodrick.

And then he says that to him. Puts him on the head and gives him a biscuit. Yeah. Yeah, Janice, I'm just back in town for a visit, you know, just here to chill with a couple of my peeps. Taking the sights and sounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, you know, nice to see you. And we were just

on our way to buy some artisanal poop so before you do that there is the issue of the 100 gold pieces the goldie blocks the piecey pies the bloody

I've become unplugged oh I lost your voice yeah yeah I was actually luckily that I ran into you because it was truly my intention

to track you down and give you this 100 gold pieces and you give it to him yeah

alright I take out my pouch then I take out my pouch. Then I take out my money bag from my pouch. And you count them out. One, two, three. Five minutes later. And that's... 40, 41.

100. Well, well, well, Bobby Pancakes made good after all. Yeah. So he takes the money and he... Billy Crumpet, that's what we called him too. That's our word. He indicates and a fat little halfling scurries forward with a little chest, which he deposits the pouch in and the halfling just keeps running

and runs back into the Byzantine shops and businesses at the back of the undercity. Oh, he looks cute. Can I pursue him? And I say, that's my cousin Lenny. I'm going to go after Lenny. Oh boy. So you're also leaving the party. I've got a bit of a thing for a little halfling.

You know I'm a halfling, right? Well, that's why we're friends. But he's a pretty halfling. There's a bit of sexual tension going on between me and Mr Pancakes. It's palpable. But you're really a chubby chaser, halfling chaser. Is that what you're into? I don't mind a bit of halfling.

Could I just say that, meanwhile, Friso's just... What are you doing? Yeah, what's happening? I am... I'm going back to talk to those bloody robots is what I'm doing. Alright, so Friso has gotten to the back of the queue and waited half an hour and arrives at the front of the queue a second time.

I just think it's really unfair to... And then he goes, Non-human! And whacks him in the front of the queue a second time. I just think it's really unfair to- And then he goes, non-human! And whacks him in the side of the head. You gonna go to the back of the queue? Yep! Alright. I'm gonna get to the front gate. Meanwhile in the undercity, Janice Meir has-

Meir's holding the- yeah, Meir's like, well, well, well, it's all well and good to give me a hundred gold pieces, but there's the amount of interest, isn't there? And I'd love to let you go and help you in whatever it is mess that you've got yourself into. But quid pro quo. You may have noticed there's a bit of a technological infestation, shall we say, in the city. Less hard to bribe a robot.

I once went up to one and gave him a bag of cogs. I said, there you go, what do you think of that? Can't do it. No? So I've got a job for you.

Yeah. I can't help you. I'm off chasing the half of you. Sorry. Janos. You're on your own. Janos explains to you

that ever since the House of the Artifices... The Artifices? The Artifices? Mate, you're making it up as you go. At a beach, eh? The House of Artifice has sprung up a new organisation in the city and ever since they have arrived, a power imbalance has struck the city of splendours. Oh, we need an electrician.

The City Watch... The City Watch have lost their contracts to guard the byways of the city. Almost overnight, these Glitter Men, as they are called, have... Ooh! I call them Sparkle Boys! The Glitter Men have appeared unyielding, unmerciful, strictly enforcing the new laws of Waterdeep, one of which includes...

But spectacular! One of which includes the newest law, which has happened at the same time, which is that demi-humans, non-humanoids, are no longer allowed above ground in the city. This is very new law. This has never happened in the time that you've lived in Waterdeep, Bobby. What is Janos? What manner of creature is he? He is a human.

The voice is for summaries. Right. He is a class of human known as a Ray Winston. Janos tells you that... He will kill your monster. He and a consortium of several other guildmasters who don't like this new development are looking for their chance to take the House of Artifice down.

And he offers you a chance to repay the sizable debt he believes you owe him if you help him with a simple mission. Go to this house and take for me an item which is very good for controlling robots. It's an amulet of sorts, I believe. And if you get that for me, bring it back here and throw in a jar of wee, then we're square.

Alright, I guess I have little choice. Oh! Yeah. I take Clodrick with you. While you were negotiating the deal, Friso has once again arrived at the front of the queue. I use prestidigitation to create a non-magical trinket

or illusory image that can fit in your hand. Okay. And so in this instance, I go, I am a man off in the distance. I am a man off in the distance. And, but actually I've cast, I'm a magician back there, and I've cast like a projected prestidigitation of a high elf all the way up here. So if you could just let this high elf in, that'd be dandy, because it's actually me

projecting that from back in about 100 meters away all right um i want you to go and make uh we're using your spell which i think plus five dc is plus five um your spell power make a um no it's a saving throw sorry and that's a so... I need to beat a three and I've got plus five? No, you've already beat it. You've already beat it. Right this way, sir. Thank you. Congratulations.

You make your way into the city of Waterdeep. And then the robot holds the door for a little bit longer because it's like, he's very far away. He will be here shortly. Presumably you go to Wenches, Wenches, Wenches. No, I'm Freeza. I'm not some bloody Bobby Pancakes lust monster over there. I go, is there a temple here I can go hang out at?

There is a temple in Wistia. I go straight to the temple. All right, you go to the temple. Meanwhile, in the undercity. I go straight to the temple. All right, you go to the temple. Meanwhile, in the Undercity. So we have a deal then. You'll go get me this amulet from this particular house and I'll get you not being killed by me. That's a nice gift.

Oh, it's either that or a bloody book voucher. Take that. Not getting killed by me every bloody Christmas. Wait, and a book voucher? And a bloody book voucher. All right. Are you hosting a game show? He's just listing prices.

He's kind of like a Cockney cookie monster. I put out my hand to shake. It's a deal. I put out his hand to shake, and the two of you... Shake. Make a pact. Yep. Kludrick will show you where the house...

Is it one of those, because you're both members of this thing, isn't it one of those special... Oh, you do the handshake the same way so that we know that you remember it. I think it might be one of those. They spent two hours practising this backstage. I just... Your hands are very clammy. That's different from the handshake we did.

I think it is an impossible... It's on a different pay grade, mate. Clodric here will show you the house. It is one of the junior temples of the House of Artifice. Didn't I get to pick up the halfling? Am I still... No, no, he's just talking about you in the third person. He still thinks you're there.

Meanwhile, cut to Kludrick. Kludrick makes his way into the vaults of the pauper king. I think what we just have there is just through sewers, like a Benny Hill chase. Splash. Following Dazfoot the Hobbit, who turns around and sees that you're following him. Hello, little man. He runs, really, and he...

Oh, he gets away! Look at that! He rolls around, get away! Well, you definitely get away From the terrifying That was going to a really dark place I feel Well it's a good thing he got away And I'm happy to be done with it I'll trudge back through the sludge

All heartbroken So are they going to get Frieza for the heist Or is Frieza just going to This is the question So that night Clodrick is going to take you Out into the city under the cover of darkness

and show you the location of this temple. And previously, I would have said to Bobby, if we ever get lost, meet me at the temple because that's where I would be.

So you meet Friso who is just sitting quietly. So the temple is just the standard meeting place. I was raised in the temple so every time we get lost, I go to the temple. So it's like meeting a sunglass hut in the temple, so every time we get lost I go to the temple.

So it's like meeting a sunglass hut in the Westfield. Exactly like that. And you can actually buy sunglasses from this particular place. If you actually think about it, Dungeons & Dragons worlds are like worlds before mobile phones, where you have these orchestrated, like, I'll meet you here. I have purchased four pairs of sunglasses from the temple. And I'll go to the wizard's tower, and I will leave a reverse charges scry spell at your house. And if you hear it, that means that I've already gone to Burger King.

Exactly. Easy. Which is a real king. Does he sound like Ray Winston, the Burger King? That night, the three of you stand outside a manor house in the high district of Waterdeep. This is where the rich people live, the quality live. Oh, I don't know.

Can we go back to the sewer? Well, you've led them here. Oh, well, you know. Inside, as Clodrick well knows, inside... As I well know. Inside the house... I'll tell them. Inside this house... Is Ender.

Is... What? Ender is his name. Is Ender. Ender. Ender. Now I'm saying it weird. Enya.

Inside this house... Enya. Inside this house is Enya. Is Enya. It's very relaxing. Very relaxing stuff. A junior operator of the House of Artifice. Enya in her spare time is a junior officer of the House of Artifice.

Yeah, you're nailing it. When she's not recording soothing singles. She is, however, and here is we'll be out at one of the summits of the recording a single at the main house of Artifice, which means that there's opportunity to go in and reconnaissance. This is kind of a heist. Now you have been asked

by Janice to get in and to recover an amulet of control. An amulet of control. An amulet that will, in fact, control Glitter Man. Can we do a huddle real quick? You can do a huddle. Alright, I think we get this, and we use the amulet of control to start, like, to just fuck shit up here. We don't even give it to that dude.

We just keep it for our own good, and then we become kings of here, like in the Game of Thrones books where she takes over the city. That's genius. Because the robots will obey us because we get the remote control. And then we'll control the city and we can just run a city like in that game SimCity. And the robots can force all the little halflings in the city up to mine. No, no, no. I feel like you've misunderstood a lot of those chubby little halflings.

You misunderstood a lot of those chubby little halflings. I think at this point I will remind you that, because this is a junior acolyte's amulet, this will only control about two or three of the glitter men at once. How big are the glitter men? They're about eight feet tall. So as big as the Statue of Liberty. That's my understanding.

Off in the distance, yeah. Well, this means your plan's a bit shit then, because we're going to be in control three. I have an idea. I recant my plan. Let's just go get it and we'll do the way Dave wants to do it then. But it would be fun. Who's Dave? He's one of the forces. Dave is a

deity that Friso believes in. He's this tentacle fuckwit that's just like, you can't do that. I'll give you a heart attack, I will. You feel a sudden sharp stabbing pain in your chest. Oh. Make a constitution saving throw. I got a...

14. Well, I guess you're fine for now. But you can smell toast and you can taste pennies. I really hope it's not a recurring condition. All right, so it's a two-story house. It's night. You're standing about 40 feet away from the locked front doors. You see lights on in the upper story, but the lights are off in the lower story.

There is balconies on each side of the house. There are only two sides. It's on the corner of the street, And there are terraced houses connecting walls. Well, I can do Blessing of the Trickster, according to this. As an action, channel divinity to touch a willing subject to give them... Touch a willing subject? Are there any halflings?

Any halflings around here? As long as they're not a halfling. Touch a willing subject to give them advantage on stealth checks for one hour. We're going to have to be a bit stealthy here, aren't we? So should I touch you? I'm pretty stealthy myself. Should he touch Freezo maybe?

So Freezo is more stealthy? Just man up and let him touch you. Pancakes, you're the halfling. Can I touch the halfling, please? Please, please. I've got blessing of the trickster if you let me touch you. Just don't think too much about it. You have advantage to stealth checks for the next hour.

Can I do a perception check to see what's a cool way to get in? Absolutely. It's a 10 plus... I don't know. What numbers am I? I really feel pretty bad right now. I'm pretty low. Wisdom, you don't modify it. It's 10. He's just 10.

All right, so it's 10. Well, I mean, you see what your average person would see. As I said, the main doors look closed. They look pretty suspicious. There are terraced houses along two sets of walls. Are you saying terrorist houses? Terrorist or terrorist? Terrorist.

Terrorist houses. And there are... You mean terraced houses. They're full of sleeper cells, right? And there are balconies with doors on the second story. But there's lights on in the second story.

There is, yeah. Do we think there's people up there? Or have they just left the candles on? Can we just go in? I think we should go in through the front. Okay, I'm just going to knock on the door and see if there's anyone home. Absolutely, alright, so you knock on the door. You'll hide after you knock on the door. Yeah, I'm just going to knock on the door and see if there's anyone home. Absolutely, alright, so you knock on the door. I knock on the door. You'll hide after you knock on the door.

Yeah, and I hide. Hide. After a bit of time, the door opens and the most aristocratic butler that you've ever seen peers out. Is anybody out here? No!

Well, hold on a No. Well, hold on a moment. Well, what if I step forward and cast a charm person on this butler? Do it. That's good. How many spell slots do you have? Three spell slots. Good.

Now, just wait one moment. I'll have to... I'm charmed. Do I have a... Yeah, so the way that this works is you're going to have to make a willpower save, DC 13. So, your willpower's 10, so... I got a 3! That's not going to do it.

Okay. Oh, he's totally charmed! As he's about to say something snooty and aristocratic, you wave your hands and quickly mutter some secret words in a language that only you understand, and his eyes glaze over. Bonjour, monsieur! language that only you understand and his eyes glaze over. Bonjour Monsieur. Yes, actually the...

That is the most charming language. No, the way the spell, the Charm Person spell as Kludrick understands it only works as long as he speaks in French for French accent. So he has to do that to maintain it. Ah, well. Bonjour Monsieur Gibbs. Notre ami, je voudrais entrer nous

avec le maison de la here. De la distance. That's amazing. Like, 80% of that was good. That was pretty good. Oh, of course, sir. Right this way. And may I just say,

may I just say, how youth just say how youthful you are looking. May I say that? May I? Formidable, bien sûr. How long does Champasson work for? Oh, eternity. Works for one hour. Okay, excellent. I've got to speak French for the next hour.

If I could get you any refreshments. Mais oui, les hors-d'oeuvres. Une baguette pour moi. Croissant? Oui, oui, oui. Un vin rouge, peut-être? Escargot? One car to go.

Very good. So, Jeeves, as you insist on calling him, makes his way down into the pantry to provide some supper, leaving the three of you in the lounge room of this man's house. All right, we only have an hour, so we should split up, right? Well, I might just relax in the lounge and play some video games. All right, well, do you want to go upstairs or downstairs? Upstairs because I'm sneakier.

Bobby will go upstairs, I will stay downstairs, and I will sneak around and find this amulet. And you're going to stay and play video games? Well, no, no, I'll sift around in the lounge room. Okay, you're going to stick... Great. Why don't I search this room? Excellent. Do you want to... We'll do one at a time.

Do you want to go ahead and make an investigation check? That's intelligence, so you'll add three to the roll. I like nothing more than making investigation checks. Beat 15 if you can. It's 19. Excellent. Alright, inside a drawer you find C'est un grand numeral. You find a couple of things.

Firstly, there is silverware, which is worth money all along the sideboard. Can I fit it in my robes? Sure, you can take it. Maybe I should empty out this jar of weed. Put the silverware in the jar. And then downstairs in the pantry, Jeeves just sort of stops and goes, and then keeps going.

That rug really tied the room together. You take the silverware. You also find some loose coins, about 15 gold pieces worth of loose coins. And you also find, interestingly, a dagger with a sort of engraved head. Better be careful of that. It's sharp, isn't it?

Maybe best if you just leave it there, then. All right, so you put the dagger back. No, look, I'd better take it. It sounds valuable, though. I'll pick it up. I'll be very careful and pick it up. You take the dagger as well. Excellent.

Downstairs. Now, can you make also for me a 15 investigation? I rolled a one, so no, I can't. All right. You walk down and you're gone for about 15 minutes while they have their adventures. When you come back, they ask what was downstairs and you're like, I couldn't find a torch.

And Bobby? That's an eight. Do I get extra sneaky times or something? This is for investigation. I sneaked you up. Plus three, so you're on 11. Okay. You make your way upstairs and you see there are two doors,

one on either side of the hallway, and there also seems to be an open area that's a secondary entertaining area down the back. Is there light coming from any of these different places? Yes. All the torches on this level are on. Oh, right. Okay.

Is this just going to turn out to be some promotion for a listing on realestate.com.au? Yes, and behind these two doors, there are also, so on the left and on the right. Okay. I press my ear to the left-hand door and listen here if I can listen to sounds.

All right. Okay, that's the second investigation check. 17. Alright. Plus 3. 20. You hear what sounds like scratching. A sort of scratching noise inside. There's a DJ in the house. This is fantastic. It's not

Enya's house at all. She's been lying to us. I decide to investigate. So you're trying to look through a keyhole? Yeah. Or are you opening the door? Investigate through the keyhole.

That's 23. Natural 20. No, you're doing a natural 20. First natural 20 in the game! Yeah! Is that good? That got a better cheer than I thought it would.

Than anything else I've said tonight. You spot inside the room, you see very well through the room, for some reason this is a large keyhole and you're very adept at looking through keyholes. And so what you see, you are able to understand. You see the figure of some kind of spellcaster, you presume,

somebody in robes, embroidered with mystical symbols, and a workbench. And to the side of the workbench is partially constructed what looks like a glitter man. Half of its armour has been taken off, and you can see cogs whirring and strange magical energies running through the substructure. And because you've got a crit 20,

can I also say that you can hear what this figure is humming? Yes. This figure's all like... Is that worth it, Ben? Time will tell. So you presume it is some kind of magical study or workshop? A games workshop, perhaps. Well, ho-ho says I.

If this person is building a glitter man, then surely they have the means to control it. Is the door unlocked? Yes, it is unlocked. I yell, there's a fire! Quickly, get out of upstairs! Get out of upstairs, there's a fire upstairs, quick. Are you trying to do James' voice or are you doing your voice? James' voice.

All right, then you've got to do it. Oh, a fire upstairs. Please, anyone operating on a glitter man right now would need to vacate the premises post-haze. Urgency, please, a fire. a glitter man right now would need to vacate the premises post haze. Urgency, please. Fire. Fire. Okay, that's a that is definitely a deception check.

DC 15. 15. Okay. Immediately, the figure who is of course Enya drops her magical scalpel and spins around saying... Sail away! Races towards the door. She spots you.

You're expecting her. She's not expecting you. So you have six seconds to... Tie your shoelaces together. What can I say? Bobby, just be Bobby. And that starts... Alright, that starts initiative.

So, Bobby, you go first and you're going to tie her shoelaces together, which I suppose is make a touch attack. Make an attack roll. So, it's 14 plus... 14? 14, that will do it. All right, you managed to grab her.

Somehow she's wearing... Oh, what the hell? She's wearing shoes and you tie her shoelaces together. Can I hear a commotion and come upstairs to help out? On your turn, yes, you can. So that's your action and that is the surprise round. Some would say you've wasted it, but who am I to judge? Not I.

It means it's your turn again. She now knows what you're doing. She's worked out who you are. You can act again. I push her so that she falls over. And then I have a cunning action within that turn. And so I just clock her on the head. So your cunning action is to dash, escape or hide and then you can clock her on the head. I dash, nudging her over so that she falls and then clock her in the head.

Okay, I'm going to call that just a, you're essentially bull rushing her. So you charge at her and now make a strength check. Is that the right dice? Yeah, 13. 13 plus... You're trying to beat nine because her strength minus one. Oh, yeah. Nailed it.

Did it. All right, congratulations. You knock her over onto her back as she calls out... And it's now it's my turn to flail away. back as she calls out and it's now it's my turn to flail away Claude Drake you're next you're just downstairs

yes have I heard any of this? you've heard somebody telling that all people who are working on Glitter Men should run out of their house because there's a fire. Right. Then you heard what sounded like a click, a swing, a thump, somebody shouting the lyrics to an Enya song, and then a loud thump and a scream.

This sounds like there's a good time going on upstairs, so I'm going to go up and find out how I can join in. You race up the stairs and immediately see a huddle on the floor. Oh, I'll jump on that. Hello, don't leave me out. Is there a halfling involved? Some kind of wizardess being wrestled to the floor by a halfling. By pancakes, this is like a dream come true.

Right, I'll jump on pancakes passionately passionately kissing him okay it's an easy mistake to have made I don't know what's going on yes I run upstairs and I which bolt the fucking shit out of Claude drinking a crepe well we know how Creep. Well, we know how this works. Make a spell attack. It's just a mistake. I'm just confused. I roll a one.

I roll a one. You roll a one. You accidentally Witch Bolt the Wizardess. All right, all right. Well, so then I do spell attack? No, no, you roll a one He runs up the stairs, screams at you Can I explain myself to the On your turn, you can explain

The next one is the Glitter Man Which starts to shake It's half made Glitter Man Yeah, it's armor isn't on, but it starts to shake It's like, what am I Yet But it makes a beeline for Quadric Yeah, it's armor isn't on, but it starts to shake. It's like, what am I yet? But it makes a beeline for... Quadric.

At least somebody wants me. And it attacks. The person that it believes mistakenly is putting its mistress at harm. And it rolls, what's your armor class? 16. 16? All right, it's... 18, 18. And it rolls. What's your armor class? 16. 16? All right. No, 18.

18. No. 18. Well, I'm only reading what's written there. It does say 18. Otherwise, you could just go with what Jenkins made up. If it says 18, I've written it wrong. It's 16.

Scale mail it. I've been cheated this whole time I've been going off these numbers. I would have behaved completely differently if I'd known. Plus one dexterity, plus two for a shield, 16. 13, 14, 15, 16, 17. So it hits you with a slam and pushes you against the wall, dealing 1d6 plus two bludgeoning damage, and you take three damage.

He only wants a good time. You take three. So just mark yourself as taking three hit points worth of damage. Ow, he says. And the next up is Bobby. I run to the body of Enya and just frisk her for the thing that she has that is controlling the

amulet that she has that controls the glitter. Great, she's trying to stop you so this is disadvantage. This is a hurried sleight of hand check. What's your sleight of hand? So what did he roll? He rolled a three plus five. He's got an eight. He rolled a three for his second dice.

Yeah. Oh. A three and a 20. Yeah, but you were at disadvantage. So you take the low. Anyway, not important. We'll move on. I think Michael wants us all to die.

I'm sorry, everybody. I'll tell you what you do. Because of the 20, you quickly start feeling around, trying in a really respectful way, in a really respectful way. And you identify the amulet and you're just about to grab it from her when she realises what you're doing

and pulls herself back so that you can't get it. It's now her turn next. And she's had just about enough of this shit. So she's got magic missile. She does. Empowered magic missile. Level two magic missile. Oh boy, howdy.

And how many can I cast? You get four of them. Okay. One for each of you and then... And then Bobby, you'll get to hit her because she's doing it within touch distance of you. Is that one for each of us including the glitter man? Oh no.

She's made her bed so yeah. She said like one for each of you and then she's done the song. She's like oh no. Well now I look stupid. And so she has to hit the glitter man too. Okay so each of you

take damage. Friso takes three damage. Clodrick takes four damage. Bobby takes four damage. And the Glitter Man ill-advisably takes three damage as well. Ow! He says again. Next up, I believe, was... Oh god.

Friso. Friso. Friso. It was Friso. Thank you. Alright, Friso thinks that Clodrick has learned his lesson, and so Witch Bolt's Madam Enya. Yep. And rolls a 10 plus spell attack, 15. That will do it. 15 will do it. She's got armor class 12, so how much damage does that do?

That does one damage. Three times. Oh no, no, just one damage. Don't give up your day job. Because we forgot, Bobby, you could attack her when she casts that spell. So do you? Yeah, I whack her with my short sword. Congratulations.

Quickly make an attack roll. B12. Oh, wait. Where am I going? That was right. Count them. Count the sides. Not that one. That's a d12.

That's a d12, yeah. And an odd 10. It's for a 10. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. It's a d20! It's a five. After all that. Friezo, alright, you swing.

Anyway, your turn will come up again. Kludrick, it's your go. Right, I think I've realised this is not a scene of passion. But I'm not clear who I'm meant to attack. I mean, if Enya's fighting the dragon, I'm not sure who I'm meant to attack. I mean, I'm not sure who I'm meant to attack. I'm not sure who I'm meant to attack. I'm not sure who I'm meant to attack.

I'm not sure who I'm meant to attack. I'm not sure who I'm meant to attack. I'm not sure who I'm meant to attack. I'm not sure who I'm meant to attack. I'm not sure who I'm meant to attack. I'm not sure who I'm meant to attack. I'm not sure who I'm meant to attack. I'm not this is not a scene of passion. But I'm not clear who I'm meant to attack. I mean, Enya's fighting the glitter man. Just kill Enya, I shout. Kill Enya! But you're killing me.

OK, Enya's obviously the enemy, isn't she? OK. I've given you a spell book at the back, if you'd like. Oh, OK, yeah. Well, I can inflict wounds. Excellent. I'll inflict a wound, please. A wound or wounds. That's a touch attack again.

You're going to have to get in and touch her. Won't be a problem. Respectfully. So can you roll a d20 and you've got to beat... I'm not really into tall, attractive ladies anyways. No, you've just got to beat her armour class of 12 because she's not wearing any armour. Easy.

Easily done. 15. Okay. Now you've just got to be her armour class of 12 because she's not wearing any armour. Easy, easily done. 15. Okay. You managed to touch her on the cheek. What's the roll? She takes 3d10 necrotic damage. Oh wow. That's a very powerful spell. Okay roll 3d10. That's a very powerful spell. Okay, roll 3d10. I don't have 3d12. This one, this one, sorry. Yeah, yeah, thanks. Here you go, Enya. Take one of these.

Nine. Take two of them. Six. Here you go, lady. How's this for a home invasion? Four. 19 points of necrotic harm. She is extremely unwell.

But not quite dead. She's never been necrotic like this in her life, I bet. So yeah, the priest mutters some more words and her skin starts to sizzle on her face. Dark lesions appear all over her body and she screams in pain and you have one

fleeting moment of hoping that you have the right person. Next up is Friso. I say to her, oh no, fuck it, let's just end this now. Grab the gauntlet. End it now. Fifteen. Does that beat her armor class?

Yep. Alright, then can I choose to do non-lethal damage? Yes, you can. Alright, well I rolled a six, so that's, yeah, I'll do six plus five, eleven damage, but it's non-lethal. You choose for it to be non-lethal? Yeah. All right.

All right, you manage, what are you fighting her with? A witch bolt, witch bolt. You, it's not, you can't do a non-lethal witch bolt. All right, well look, let it be known I tried to not kill someone. So let's talk about this. For the second time in two days, Bobby, you witnessed the unwatchable

as someone screams in pain as their very blood boils and comes out their eyes, as their eyes boil and run down their cheeks, as their cheeks boil and fall into puddles on their chest. I didn't know. I didn't know. But not before she says, Oh, I failed today.

Searching through her robes, you find an amulet, which you pick up. Next up is the glitter man, who incensed with rage, strikes Clodrick one more time. Yep. Oh, why is it always Clodrick?

Neurals a 19. Oh, good for you, glitter guy. Which means that it does another, this time, five damage. Ow! Ow! Will you quit? And... Where does that leave you, Kludrick?

He's down to two hit points. He looks just about as bad as she did before her face was melted off. Alright.

I'm having a really bad time. Bobby, you're next. Wait, Frieza has the amulet, right? That's correct.

Let's get the fuck out of here. I've already thrown up in my mouth and had to swallow it. Guys, let's just fucking amscray. Okay, but the last thing I do... So wait, no, Bobby, go into order. So Bobby races down the stairs and into the lounge room.

Yes, Friso? The last thing I do is I look at the glitter man, I hold the amulet, and then I say, kill the priest. And I walk out. And does it look back? Just so you know, the door does lock from the outside. Okay, as I walk out, I lock the door and I go, ugh. Why do you get to do nine things in your turn?

This is stacked heavily against this old Peter. You make your way down the stairs, you meet up with Bobby, and just as you arrive in the lounge room, Jeeves arrives carrying a plate with spoiled snails. A baguette. And a croissant. Jeeves, he's the only one who likes Clodrick. However, your friend Clodrick is not there,

and searching around, trying to see his friend in the room, you sense something click in his mind as he suddenly realizes what's happened to him. Where's my best friend? Excusez-moi, monsieur. Votre ami est au bas, là, autour des escaliers. Il est en train de parler avec un monsieur qui est very glittery man. If you want to talk to him, go ahead.

We're leaving now. Take the train to Lyon at 10.30. We have a ticket to go back. Ask him about my snails. I didn't get them. Avez-vous les escargots? On va les manger à partir. Peut-être vous pouvez les mettre dans un sac. Oui, oui, oui.

He hands you the food and the tray so that you can take it as well. And as you leave the house, you try not to think about Kludrick, who you have left locked in a door with a murderous killer robot. I can't believe you'd do that to this man. I can't believe we would have left that old pederast to his fate.

Thank you so much. That's really good, friends. Big round of applause for Andrew Hanson. Keep it going for Simon Greiner, Michael Hing, Benny Davis Davis Ben Jenkins Tim Dave Harmon That is That is the Filthiest episode

That we have yet had So thank you Andrew I'm sorry your character had to die As glory's just beginning Our adventure never ends The saga of the heroes Andrew, I'm sorry your character had to die.