Dragon Friends - #1.10. Shut up, I Look Great with Tom Walker

Episode Date: December 2, 2015

Having infiltrated the cult, the Dragon Friends encounter two old foes and a terrifying secret weapon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As glory's just beginning, our adventure never ends The saga of the heroes that they call the Dragon Friends Great! Yeah, here's a little ditty of what's happened so far They went down to the sewers at Janos' behest And met their old friend Gribbets and Filch strapped him to her chest They needed to get robed so they could infiltrate the cult. And despite their protestation, Friso shot

off a witch bolt. Our story's just beginning. Our adventure never ends. The saga of the heroes that we call the dragon friends. Everything's gone pear-shaped now that you know who is dead. I'm not asking you his name. I'm saying that Clive who

is dead. I understand this asking you his name, I'm saying that Clive who is dead. I understand this is confusing, but his name is actually who. He's the one who had the robe and now's a sizzling pile of goo. Our story's just beginning, our adventure never ends. The saga of the heroes that we call the

Dragon Friends. Betty Davis. As you make your way away from the town square of Waterdeep already, you can hear the familiar klaxons, familiar to you now, of the town guard, as it seems that another of the mysterious recent Waterdeep murders has been committed and the fed are scrambling to answer. You duck into a side alley and stop to catch your breath as Gribbets awakes with a start.

Oh, I had the most horrible dream where I was... Nope, that's it. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Oh, hey, weren't we in general with Pantaloons before? Yeah, hey. What's going on with that? What happened to the guy that... Oh, nothing. We't we in general panaloons before? Uh, yeah, hey. What's going on with that? What happened to the guy that... Oh, nothing. We left without incident.

Oh. Because I thought that would be weird. No, without incident. And here we are. Hiding in an alleyway. Hey, Grubits, you've been here a little while. Is there like a shady dockside pub around here or anything that we can not lay low in, but just

hang out in? I guess the shady dock's pretty good. Is that the name of the pub? Yeah, it's the name of the pub, you weirdo! Ooh, someone forgetting he's strapped to a table. You real mouthy for a little grip-crop baby. Me think he needs a change of types. Gribbets tells you of the name of a shady dockside tavern,

which is now called the Shady Dock. Yeah. They have good shanty night there on Mondays. Shady shanty night. And which is a place where the shipwrights hang out. This is, of course, the muscle of this new cult in Waterdeep who are run by the most fearsome, most dandy dwarf that you've ever met, a man by the name of Albrecht Rumsfeld.

So. So let's go to this pub, shall we? We head to the filthy dock. Okay, so once more. Shady dock. Oh, me think this wrong. There is. The filthy dock is next door to the shady dock.

It's the local flop house and it's kind of disgusting. Oh, in the dock district. In the ship line. We've established this. In the docks. So once, for the second time in two days, you find yourselves in the ship line, the dock side of Waterdeep that, you know, the banner between the city and the sea

and the area held by the shipwrights, one of the fiercest gangs other than the Beggar King's own court in Waterdeep. This is, of course, enemy territory in the first day of a powerful inter-guild war, and at least three of the four of you were last seen firmly fighting, wearing the colours of the Beggar King,

so this is a dangerous place for you to be found. Well, well, well. The muttering of dwarves surrounds you. That's just one crazy man. Took my beans, they did. And you cannot help but also realise that, of course,

time is not on your side, for it is already the final hours of the day, and tonight is High Harvest Eve, the night of the day and tonight is High Harvest Eve, the night of the cult's meeting and your rendezvous with the Inquisitor. So. Happy birthday to you. I look around for the drunkest looking dwarf.

Inside the filthy dock. In the filthy dock. All right. The shady dock. Sorry. We've gone to the wrong door. Sorry guys. Oh, excuse me madam. But me just one drunkest looking dwarf.

We make our way through the hen's night that's going on at the filthy dock. There is a really awful orcish hen's night happening at the filthy dock. They're drinking out of like cock shake, like tankards and yeah and anyway we'll just leave that aside

because we can do that for a while. I emerge with a bride-to-be sash. Slung over the table? Yes, slung over the table. Obscuring Rick Gribbets' eyes so that he can't see. So you make your way into the shady dock which is a poorly named tavern

next door. Now you can see small games of dice are being played. There is a foreboding... Are they playing D&D? There is a... Oh my gosh, what if we go into that game? How many exceptions deep can we go? There is a group of four dwarves playing a game of accountants and actuaries,

which is a dice-based game where they pretend that they're all holding white-collar jobs. And over in the side, as you asked, indeed, you can see a very sorry-looking dwarf who is doing his best to get as drunk as possible as quickly as possible. Well, here, if you put it in a rag and then put up your bottom, that's a good way to do it.

He says to no one in particular. Well, I go and get a drink from the bar, I get two drinks from the bar, and I sit down next to him and slide one in front of him. Okay, that's five silver pieces. So you take two flagons of filthy-looking ale and you sit down at the only other empty seat at the table and as you sit down and place the flagons down you pique his interest. Whoa! Is that filthy ale?

Yeah. Oh no! I accidentally ordered two flagons! Who's gonna drink this other one? You wouldn't happen to want it? Take it off my hands? And then he just stares at you and like just picks one up warily and just sips from it. Well cheers to you friend. You do a lot of talking for a little man. Well... Says the dwarf.

I'm slightly taller. Really? It counts. Taller's taller. And then he slaps you down saying taller. I'm slightly taller Really? It counts Taller's taller And then he slaps it down saying taller's taller This is obviously a sore point for him

Dil, sorry he asked I said I'm sorry big guy These guys are just a bunch of real dill weeds You know what? Sometimes I'm just glad that I can go to my secret society and get away from them, if you know what I mean. I wouldn't know anything about that. No, me either.

Cheers. Do Diljian Filch catch on? Maybe we're like, oh, he always on about secret society. That's a really good question, and I'd like you both to make insight checks. Friso is, of course, not, you know, an idiot, so he doesn't need to. Oh, no, actually, Friso, make a check, too.

Emotional intelligence. No, this is insight, so this is wisdom-based. Wisdom? You have to be ten. Oh, I do not. We have all failed. I got three. Okay, so can you guys just... What secret society are you talking about? Absolutely nothing. Am I right friend? Wink. Oh yes that's how you do it. Oh friend Bobby forgot how to blink. Both eyes at once friend.

Leave one out there to dry out. It's funny he talked about secret society because that thing we tried to infiltrate. I slide a gold coin across the table.

We tried to infiltrate secret society right now. Everyone come look at funny half-works. Yes. This is so easy, okay? It's disadvantage because you're drunk, but this is a very easy check. This is DC5 to realise that something is up. You are flat.

Rule four. Guys, here's some money. Why don't you guys go and get a drink? Us? Yes. You three. Friso, Filge and Dilge. Guys, here's some money. Why don't you guys go and get a drink? Us? Yes. You three. Friso, Filge and Dilge. Oh, ever since you made a new friend, you're too big for all this. Fine, Bobby.

You know, we've killed people together. You're in too deep with us, alright? Okay, make another insight check. What's this say? It's now, it's still five, it's still very easy. Holy shit, alright, okay. You are so drunk! So drunk! How is it funny?

You're taller. But every time you guys say something incriminating, he's gonna make another check. Fine, we no need Bobby anymore. Yeah, I'm leaving. To get a drink. From the bar. Alright. Where's that money you said we could have? Here you go. You give them five gold pieces? I give them

one gold piece. How many silver pieces to a gold piece? Ten. We'll need some more money. I can have two gold pieces. Alright. You give them two gold pieces, they go to the bar. I'm going to cut you guys off for now and then we'll see if the bartender cuts you off. That's what... So let's continue the conversation.

What are your friends you got? I wouldn't call them friends. They're more servants, if you know what I mean. Do my bidding and whatnot. Oh, I bet his eyes widen. And he's like, is that thing strapped to her chest to fuck Goblin? Yeah. I have it carried around so chest to fuck Goblin? Yeah.

I have it carried around so I can fuck it whenever I want. Ah, took a turn. You started that. I don't know what I'm doing. Meanwhile, at the bar, a friendly but very imposing bugbear is sitting polishing a knotted piece of wood that he obviously uses to hit people that cause trouble in the bar. As the three of you approach. So this is the piece of wood that I use to hit people at the bar. How are you?

He's surprisingly well spoken for a bugbear. I took elocution lessons. You know my fair bugbear? That was about me. Oh really? was it? Because I've heard The rain in the temporal plane Yes? Yes?

Go on Falls on some kind of magic train What can I get for you? We would like a round of your finest, most expensive liqueur. I have two gold pieces. I'd have to start a tab. Me drink for free because me the bride. I'm anyone's.

Well, congratulations to you. The most expensive liqueur. Let me see. And then he goes through a bunch of bottles and he's like, it's dragon piss. This is real dragon piss. Aged 50 years in a dragon that couldn't weep for 50 years. Of course, remember that Waterdeep's, you know,

the prime economy of Waterdeep is the moving of piss around. Well, what will two gold pieces get us? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That will get you a thimble full of it. You dig it? that will get you a thimble full of it. You dig it? Well, I would like to purchase one thimble of aged dragon piss

but could you split it into three because Yeah, sure. And he gets three thimbles out and fills them each a third and then passes. Do you know I'm so bad at maths that I had to worry that I'd fuck that up but there are four of them No, there's three of them. no Gribbles doesn't get anything oh that looks neat

cool so the three of you take a small thimble of dragon piss and drink it I pour mine on Gribbles why? it's really it's smoking

it's like smoke is coming off it I'm looking I'm looking at Filch very excitedly and I've got lemon in the crook of my left hand and salt in the crook of my right. It going to be big night.

Okay, it gets into Filge's eyes, I guess, and Filge starts crying. No, no, Gribbets. Gribbets, yeah, yeah, Gribbets. Gribbets is like, yeah! That's flailing around. What about the two of you? What are you going to do? Lips it, suck.

Let's drink to my last night of freedom yes truly now you fuck anything you want okay drink all right I want you both to make Constitution tests DC 15 oh no oh I got a six all, you are both extremely drunk. This is a very, very powerful, very potent liqueur. I'm going to fuck you right up. And you are both trying to show... Technically, it's rich. You should see what it did to the dragon.

At the moment, you immediately think you're going to have difficulties talking and you get the feeling that you are getting drunker and drunker and drunker. What happens to Gribblets? Gribblets is still screaming because it's in his eyes. But is he drunk and screaming? Can you get drunk through your eyes? A lot of people said yes. With a lot of certainty.

Oh, heck yeah. And the guy's like, yeah, no, you can't. Two beer bottles in one of each eye. Suck it. Refreshing. Alright, yeah, Gribbets is drunk too. In fact, Gribbets, no, Gribbets is vomiting because Gribbets has got a tiny constitution. Yeah, it went through his eyes and he got drunk in that way, I assume.

But he's passed out again. Yeah, I guess his eyes were bigger than his stomach. Gribbets passes out again. Is he throwing up out of his eyes? He's throwing out out of everywhere. That's not called throwing up, Dave. Lucky me have table on.

Alright, now we can get a cut back to the conversation. Hey, see, secret societies. Pain in the arse they are. You guys hear the high-pitched shriek of a goblin. Sounds like dragon piss to me. Yeah. I'll always do this, chant that, sacrifice that.

Yeah, say the password. Oh, here's the password. Yeah. Oh, yeah, the password. Say, you haven't really touched your drink at all. Oh, it's because I'm so drunk already. You don't sound drunk. Why? How does a drunk man sound?

Have you not been listening? Yeah, I have been listening. I'm very drunk. Then sing us a shanty. Sparred Strike Up the Band Do you know? The very same band from Star Wars which for some reason is in the corner here begins to play a sea shanty

Do you know? Do you know if our mermaids got two faces? Yeah, of course I do! Let's hear it then! Well here I go. My mermaid's got two faces. It's also got two races. It's a fish and a man, a mermaid friend.

Two different faces. That is... I am going to give out the first time I have given one of these, I'm going to give an inspiration dice for that. That was excellent. You keep this dice across adventures. Anytime you fail a dice roll, you can take that out and re-roll with it. Right.

All right. That's the finest rendition of a mermaid has two faces I've ever heard. And he's crying. And there's an old sea dog nearby who's crying as well. Oh, yeah. I wish I had more friends to share this with. Ever since they froze me out of it. He loves it so much, he sings it himself.

It's a ghostly... Sing the second verse. I'm a... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. That's okay. It's cool, man. Did you say since you got thrown out?

Oh, yeah, it doesn't matter. Secret society. We're the secret society. They think they're so good. Hey, you know what? I'm a pretty big deal in the Secret Society. I could, I don't know if you've heard of me. My name is Clive Who.

The Clive Who? Yeah. Father of the year Clive Who? Yeah, that's me. And, and I'm gonna invite you along tonight as my personal guest and I'm gonna get you reinstated now the only thing is Do you still remember the password so that you can get in? Oh, of course, it's peppercorn. Yep, you'll be fine So you come in tonight?

Yeah, and I will get you reinstated my true wonderful friend Oh, and then he cheers us to it and then what do I have to be to not pass out? Let's say 20. You've been drinking for a while. So we get a natural 20? Yeah. He's not coming.

Alright. He collapses into his drink and you think maybe it's time to go. Yeah. So I go up to the bar. You go up to the bar where you see

Friso is looking irritated and impatient and just normal. I shouldn't have to pay for it if I didn't get to drink it. I tipped it out, gave you my money back. And Filge and Dilge are looking really cool, really ready to go, really businesslike. Okay, to the bugbear I say, sir, this is for your trouble, and I slide a gold coin across the bar.

Thank you. That's for you. I really, apologize okay we're going all right gang follow me okay you guys are still lucid enough that you can follow him but you are getting even drunk it of course Bobby does not know this yet so and Friso chooses not to tell him? No, of course not. All right.

Information is power, Dave. As you leave, you can hear already the sound of the changing of the shifts. Of course, once this would be the sonorous voices of large, fat, you know, guards calling out the hour, but now it is merely the beeps and boops of powerful glitter men. What? Just straight from the top of my dome. Straight from my nose into the cup. Oh, yes.

We only have the hour sung by the largest and fattest guards. As I signify the richness of water. So Dave has never had an office job before and I think you can tell. Well, I'm sorry, like, because office jobs have town criers that call out the hour. Yeah, the town crier. Comes in the office, goes, time, time, see ya.

You're shitting me. This is not a thing. Yes. That's how Kerry O'Brien got his start at the ABC. He was the town crier at the ABC. He'd say what he did right. He tells you when your shift's over. And then that's how he got'Brien got his start at the ABC. He was the town crier at the ABC. He'd say what he did right. He tells you when your shift's over. Yeah, and then that's how he got the 7.30 job because he said the host is 7.30.

Uh, knock-off time. And then he just... You're a grown man. So as you make your way, you realise the take-home, the keeper... Show me these fat guards. The keeper is that night is falling, and you have very little time to make it to the house of the artificer

if you are to keep your promise to the Beggar King of Waterdeep. What is the range of the medallion, the amulet thing I have? Very close. It's probably... It will control up to two glitter men in about a 15 metre radius. Okay, and how many glitter men are guarding the front gate? Well, you're not there yet.

You're outside the filthy docks. So guys, let's go back to our favourite dark alleyway and talk about what we're going to do. So you guys go back to planning alley? Yeah, planning alley. Me feel like kebab. Me feel... Me feel we need focus.

We need just focus. We need just focus. We need focus. We just need to focus. We just need focus. Whole group. Whole group need focus. So if we focus...

I reckon I'm blind. Well, aren't you lucky you're strapped to a filter's chest there. Okay, guys. The meeting's about to start. Freezo? I thought this was meeting. Okay. Oh, God.

Okay. This is a... If meeting not done, I could kebab. I promise you I will get you all kebabs once this is done. This is my solemn oath to you all. But we've got to get to the artificers' meeting. And, Friso, you're our point man on this. So you're wearing the good robes.

You will be going by the name Clive Who, if anybody asks. And the password is peppercorn. Got it. My name is Clive and I'm here to say peppercorn. It's easy to remember if you make a song about it. I know, but that's how I remember it. It's like, what do you call it? Mnemonic.

Mnemonic. My name is Clive and I'm here to say peppercorn. See, everyone's going to remember that forever now. Okay, all together. to remember that forever now. Okay, all together. One, two, three. My name is Clive and I'm here to say... Peppercorn! Okay.

We all start bad. We sound good. We sound real good to Dilj. All right, Bobby... Me want to live forever. Bobby hands out some robes. Yeah, so the robes are big enough to accommodate... You actually took all the robes you wanted because you killed the man that owns the store

So you were able to get perfect match. Okay, so Here's a robe Maybe take the table off Well, you can take grubits with us But just um just bundle it up in that sash that says right to be like a little baby bimble You know what? He's gonna slow us down. We just need to end it now. No, no, no, no, no. No, no.

He's blind. He's strapped to a table. He's done. He's my little baby mouse. You feel a tightening in your chest, Hing. Please, let me. I cast Tensa's Floating Disc. Oh, okay.

You have that spell, don't you?'s Floating Disc. Oh, okay. Drunkenly. You have that spell, don't you? Yes, I do. Okay, a circular invisible disc of force is summoned into existence by you that you can control around you that can carry things. What's up? I made it.

Is that to carry gribbles? Yes. This is my new stroller. All right, so we've got a to carry gribbles? Yes This is my new stroller Alright, so we've got a rope of gribbles So he's still chained to a bench Which is on a disc Yes, that's correct If we take him

You just said that as if you were refuting him Yeah, it makes sense If with a floating disc Can you stand on it and have a rope over it So it looks like it's the regular size height of a man? You absolutely can. Okay, so I'm going to ride on that disc and Gribbets can stay strapped to the village.

Guys, I'm real happy to just hang in the alleyway. You sure? You are blind. No man left behind, Gribbets. No man left behind. Please leave it behind. I think I will get better and all I can see is going in there is getting a lot worse. I love you. At least Gribbets knows there's only a few hours left in his birthday.

Oh yeah, it's your birthday. Well, we don't have time, let's go! Alright, you make your way to the House of the Artificer. And you see the House of the Artificer is an imposing structure in the middle of Hierarch Square. Are there two guards? There is two. Give me time. There is a giant glitter man posted at the top of the tower, the doorway to the main tower. And on either side is a pair of guards who look like a right lad.

Oh, interesting, those guards. Okay, well, maybe you want to talk to them. We approach the glitter man. They're a threesome. The glitter man is unmoving in case trouble happens. Oh, I see. Well, howdy, boys. Howdy, sir.

What kind of trouble are you up to tonight? What's, uh... And then the other one, the other one is like, how are you? Oh, in your robes. Ben Jenkins, the man of a thousand voices. Was there a third Italian guard there, just for a second?

I'm on a break. Peppercorn. Peppercorn. Deal, Chelping. Well, you must be here for some kind of meeting, judging by your attire, I'm Kenneth Branagh in Wild Wild West. He is, of course, referring to the...

A popular play. No, could that be his full name? My name is Kenneth Branagh of the house, the movie Wild Wild West. So, you say peppercorn? We said it. You say it many times obnoxiously. My name is...

I forgot it. Oh, no, yeah, he asks, what is your name? And he looks at a guest list. My name is Charles who? Clive. Clive. Clive. Clive.

I do declare Fuck Hello, my name is Clive Who? Let me just take a gander at the old invite list And these are your guests I assume? Yes, the one who is of human height

is my son Hello Who Jr. soon. Yes. The one who is of human height is my son. Hello. Hu Jr. As you can see... Congratulations on having the father of the year, may I just say. Yes, we have a very close relationship. We're not afraid to talk about anything. Next, we have

the Orc twins. Make constitution checks, both of you. DC 15. I got 19. I got a 1. As soon as Friso turns to look at you, you do three things simultaneously. You throw up, you start like you're scared,

and you fall over. So it's like he's one of those fainting goats. So I just lock all my limbs, vomiting, and then fall over. That's correct, yes. Thank you. Oh, don't mind him. He ate some bad bread before. Yes, there's some very, very bad bread going around.

Is it bad bread? Bad bread. Bad bread, you say bread going around. Is it bad bread? Bad bread. Bad bread you say? Bad bread. The worst bread. Let me introduce myself. My name is Leonardo DiCaprio in Blood Diamond.

In Blood Diamond is very honourable house. It pleasure to meet you. And let me say the words that I know so well. Give me back my blood, darling. The house words. Oh, well, your friend must have eaten some bad bread, I suppose. I think I've kind of been charmed by the fact they knew my house words. Sure, I don't care, whatever.

Well, if you agree Kenneth Brennan in Wild Wild West, well I'll do it. We approach the house, or meeting place. Which one of you has the whisperer? You are ushered inside and immediately you find yourselves amongst a large crowd of people in a sort of waiting room all hooded, all wearing black velvet robes

with the unmistakable sigil of the double-headed cog that is the sign of the house of the artifices. And can you remind us where they've seen that before? Because some of us in the audience might have been in New York or something. He mentioned it like earlier. When they went to General Cantaloupes. I was in New York in the audience might have been in New York or something. He mentioned it earlier. When they went to General Pantolones.

I was in New York in the break. I get the feeling that something's going to go down, and so I take out my spy pen and just kind of prop it out of the robe pocket, just so it's working. Excellent. Make a sleight of hand check. This thing's like the size of half a billiard ball. Oh I do not, I got a two.

Okay you got a two? Alright you take out the listener and as you do you get a tap on the shoulder. Uh excuse me sir. Well done. Yes? I am so terribly sorry to interrupt. What must be a fine, fine cult, Eden. You didn't want British, it's all I can do.

I didn't want British. Morgan Freeman in the Shawshank Redemption? Please, my father is Morgan Freeman. Then who are you? You met me just before. Oh, sorry. Oh, Kenneth Branagh from the movie The Wild Wild West. Yes sir. I hate this so much. You remind me of a friend I have back home.

His name is Year 8 Boy's Impression of Tennessee Williams. Hey, uh, I know your house- Oh, just kidding. Sir, it would be remiss of me if I did not ask you what that was that you just took out of your pocket, because as you know, at these cult meetings, there can be no contraband attempts. Oh, I know.

I was recently elected the Secret Society Archivist and also Father of the Year and Father of the Year so what have you done lately? anyway well I built a giant metal space isn't that just Dad you really should stop

showing off the trophy that you won for Father of the Year my goodness I did not know yes that makes sense I mean he's very proud of it showing off the trophy that you won for Father of the Year. My goodness, I did not know. Yes, that makes sense. I mean, he's very proud of it. I think it's a little show-offy, but you've shown your friend here.

Why don't you... DC. Oh, look, 15. Fuck, that does it. Okay. Well, I am clearly an idiot. A good day to you, sir. Before you go, Mr. Wild Wild West, do you have any children of your own?

Oh, I have a little boy and a little girl. Well, let me just tell you that the important thing is to listen. To them. And struck with a newfound wisdom, the actor Kenneth Branagh, I point to the trophy again. of the house, of the movie Wild Wild West,

goes back to his guard duties and you hear a gong ring out. And as it rings out, two giant bronze doors at the end of the room open and an excited murmur ripples through the crowd. Ripple, ripple, ripple, ripple. And a rather excited-looking cultist who's standing next to you, Bobby, says, this will have to be the special guest.

The reason that we've all been summoned here on High Harvest Eve. This was the man that was going to speak to us. Yes. We knew that already. Oh, sorry. I didn't realise. Yeah. Well, we're members of this secret society, so we got the same... We get the newsletter.

Oh, yeah. It's a good newsletter. Did you know... Oh, actually, I don't want to... I actually made a crossword for that. That's me. That's you? That's me. You know what? I find Wednesdays the hardest day.

But the cultists have already... Before a pseudocom. And they have formed a semicircle, all pulling their hoods even further, tighter down to make themselves anonymous, as you see lights already being lit in the chamber that has opened up and above on a small sort of balcony stage overlooking this now wider room, a man is standing in the same robes as you and he slowly pulls back his hood. Everybody immediately chants,

Order and Purity! Order and Purity! You can't help but feel that you are about two syllables too late. And he holds his hands for silence. I'll let you do this. My fellow members of our illustrious fraternity, the hour of our dominance is all but at hand. Friso, turn the pen on.

Don't worry, I got it. Silence! I recognize you, friends of the shipwrights. Silence! Order and purity! I recognize you, members of our noble house. I recognize you of the Blackstaff Tower, you of the tailors, the mercers, order and purity. Order and purity.

For we are together once again. Tonight, as I have said, is a special night and I have two special guests who have traveled far and risked much for our order to address you and I now yield to them. Now, two people come either side of him.

One of them takes off their hood and you recognise this to be a woman with raven hair and she is do they recognise who she is? So they've never seen her. Then she's just a woman with raven hair. And a scar across her... Is her hair married to birds?

Is that what you're saying? No, it's the colour of her hair. What colour is raven? Black. Just say black then. It's a fantasy thing. You can't say black. It's confusing.

It sounds like she's got bird hair. She enters. She's got dog hair. Real Labrador hair. And the other one you do recognise as he reveals his face. He's got golden retriever hair. And high cheekbones.

And a face you just want to slap. And it's the bloody Duke of Daedalus! That's right. The man who has caused all of your heart That's right, the man who has caused all of your heartbreak and troubles, the man who has framed you for- Freezer? The other, the man who has caused what seems

on the sum of it to be not as much heartbreak and sorrow, the man who framed you for the death of his brother, the illegitimate Duke of Daggerford, Davos Tyrrell. Davos Tyrrell says, my friends, thank you very much for having me and for what I might just say were delightful canapes beforehand in the pre-drinks. Did anybody try the pastitsis? And can I, has anybody sampled the dragon friands? They are delightful.

Anyway, me and the Grand Inquisitor have travelled far with no small danger to ourselves to come and show you this. And then he pushes a button, like a cog button, cog-based, and another door slides open. A door you couldn't even see.

This is a rumbling of sort of stone walls part behind them. And the first thing that you see is you smell. You smell the acrid smell of brimstone and sulfur. Very, very powerful smell. And then you see two small prongs of smoke puff and glowing red

light pierces through the darkness. You hear a thump and a crack and then slowly, step by step, striding out behind them is a giant black dragon. Yes! Raven. Sorry, a giant black dragon. Yes! Raven.

Sorry, a giant black raven. Is it dragon coloured? That was so cool and you ruined it. That was very good. Thank harvest. So now you know as the

as Tyrell has motioned to the woman, you now know that she is the Grand Inquisitor. And before... So Tyrell looks out and says, Our fraternity has just returned with our new friend who is going to help us take this city. Already I have seized control of Daggerford using my brother's claim. I have now, even as we speak, glitter men are being shipped to the city

and the old town guard are being dismantled. This is but the first day, the first moves of our gambit to take the Sword Coast for our own as it should be. And I could not do it without you, our men on the ground here in Waterdeep Waterhunt Puritan! Someone goes Craig, that's enough mate

And Davos Deventero cannot help but feel like his flow has been momentarily halted. Fucking Craig He is about to go on when suddenly there is a shift in the Inquisitor. And she clicks her neck and suddenly, Bobby, you get the feeling that she is staring right at you. He is about to continue talking, but she puts her hand up and steps forward to the railing of the balcony.

And she says, there are rats in this stool. Oh, but a hand of applause isn't an expression. Everyone's like, what? And she's like, there are rats

in this stool. And then like, and Terrell's like, what do you mean? What do you mean? She's like, there are rats In the street Me miss that canapé

And she's like You're gonna have to be More literal mate And she's like I mean there are people here Who should not be And everyone goes Me also miss that canapé

There is a ripple of unrest And heresy Treachery Is called out By some of the cultists. I say, whoa. I expect it. Can I try for a bluff check to also yell heresy and treachery?

16. 19. You yell heresy, you yell treachery. What? You yell rats and stew. Rats and stew And then her neck just snaps to you And then she like With just one flick of her wrist

Motions to the dragon And does that And points And the dragon Its impressive wings are unleashed As it takes two steps forward And jumps in a single bound Over the heads of the three of them on the balcony

and grabs hold of a giant um chandelier with its powerful talons and hangs from it as its neck zeroes in on the four of you and it with a powerful breath of its air it just sort of you know just fucking uh blows so it's sulfurous breath at you, and the power of the gust of breath blows your hoods back, and the four of you are revealed. Do I get blown off my floating bisque? You're just sort of hovering there, like, and you're wearing boxer shorts that have hearts on them.

Tyrell says, we are undone. Guards, they must not escape from here alive. And four members of the Shipwrights Guild with crossbows suddenly from small sconces on the sides of the thing draw their crossbows and train them at you. You have a few seconds to react if you want.

I move myself in front of Filch as a good brother I run, I get the fuck out of there Okay, we go into combat? You're not doing anything? He's gone, I'm not going to fight this Let's get out of here I think of a method of escape

Okay, so you're all vaguely escaping Alright, great The order is Dilj is in the front and Filge then... So far, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I've got that. Dilge is the closest to the dragon. Okay, so the first... You were caught flat-footed, unfortunately.

So the first one to act was the dragon, which just blew to reveal you. And so the next one to react is two of the crossbow guards. So they immediately fire their crossbows at you. One of them misses, and one of them hits you, Dilj, with a crossbow bolt, which hits for four damage. Bobby, you're next. For people that haven't seen this, we do initiative beforehand,

so I've got a little list here. I grab my shortbow, and I shoot at one of the archers. Okay, great. Absolutely. Well, that's a nine. Okay, a nine. What's your dexterity? Plus three. Three.

Plus three. That will do it. So that hits one of them. How much damage? Whoop. That's eight. They're unarmed. Everyone's wearing robes, so there's no armor.

Right, eight. Eight? Okay, that does eight damage. That does a lot of damage. One of them is hit strongly by that and he grimaces in pain and he looks bloodied. Next person up is Friso. Alright, I cast Burning Hands and a 15 foot cone

You're in a crowded room. You're in a crowded room. Only a few of these people are trying to kill you. Yeah, but in for a penny. We've already discussed this. In a crowded room. In a crowded room only a few of these people are trying to kill you. Yeah but... In for a penny, we've already discussed this. Okay. So it's a 13 to save. Are you aiming it at the floor or are you aiming it at the sky?

I'm aiming it at the floor. No! Because that will maximise casualties but it won't stop the people. I'm aiming it at the people we're trying to kill. Okay that's up high, yep. Oh okay, yeah yeah yeah. So you can get two of the four of them in... How much damage does it do?

It does 15 damage. Oh, wow, okay. That kills the shit out of one of them. No, that kills two of them. So two of the guards drop from their sconces and fall to the ground with a crash. One of them was the injured one from before. The other one was...

Then there are two left. It's now the Inquisitor's turn. She grabs... It's cat-like grace. She vaults... from the balcony and... LAUGHTER ..does a pirouette

before gracefully face planting on the ground. And she stands up and she's like, who saw that? Who saw that? And everyone's like, oh,

it was a great landing. Everyone is too polite to pretend that they saw that. It is now Davin Tyrrell's turn who panicked with the guildmaster who introduced him. Run,

and they run behind a curtain further into the building. Now it is Filj's go. Is the chick still there? What? The raven head. She's lying prone on the ground. Okay, I'm just going to pick her up.

You're going to try and grapple her? Yeah, I'm going to grapple her. Okay, excellent. So you're going to have to make a strength check, just an unmodified strength check against her face. 20. 16 plus 4. Oh, okay.

16. All right. That hits her. So you dive on top of her and you grab her and you wrestle her to the ground. Yeah, I'm going to, like, hold her up. You can't do that. You're prone with her at the moment.

All right. Next round you can maybe do that. So you are grappling with her on the ground and she's pinned next up is Dilj cool I'm going to cast magic missile at one of the gentlemen with the crossbows okay feel like you're all forgetting the dragon but go ahead you take care of the edges in the middle will take care of itself Yeah Dave, always attack the ad That's how you do these MMOs, alright?

Alright, so this is, go on I, yeah, I cast it at him For I put all three darts into him And they each Do He gets hit for eight damage Eight damage, alright Put all three darts into him and they each do, he gets hit for eight damage.

Eight damage, all right. He is like the other one, bloodied, but he is still up, he's still holding his crossbow, and he snarls and insults at you. Cockhead! At least I didn't just get hit by magic, dweeb. At least I didn't just get hit by magic, dweeb. Next up is the dragon, which jumps forward and does a multi-attack.

First of all, attacking with its tail, you, Dilj, and hits you for... Nine damage, throwing you ten feet across the room and you smash into a wall, making your sister vulnerable again. Next up is, again, Bobby. No, yeah, Bobby first. I leap to where the Grand Inquisitor is and I get the Rod of Immovability and I place it on her neck and I press the button

and I say, Call off your dragon! Okay, that's great. So the immovable rod locks in place the moment you place it. So she's effectively pinned to the ground by her neck. But not so tight that she can't talk. Make a dexterity check. 19 plus 3.

All right, you successfully do that. So now you have to just make an intimidation check. You get advantage because she has a half-orc on top of her. Dice of inspiration! Oh, dice of inspiration! Dice of inspiration! Dice of inspiration! Dice of inspiration!

14, that'll do it! That is just it! Oh, that's the best heckle ever Okay So she goes Stop! And the dragon just sort of, like, the room just stops and the dragon looks at her and then

flies back to where it was before And perches, it's still looking at you and she says, undo this rod. And like, make the dragon go back in its hole. Send the dragon back to its room

and then we'll talk about moving this rod. Undo the rod and I will send the dragon back to its room. Hey lady, I got a short sword and I'm gonna put it right next to your neck and and I will send the dragon back to its room. Hey lady, I got a short sword and I'm going to put it right next to your neck and then I will lean on it into your neck if you don't send the dragon

to the other room. Okay, does Davos Tyrell have an action? He's already gone. He ran off into the other room. There's still two hobgoblins and... Can he come back? Sure. What do you got? Okay, he goes Enough! And then walks up to her She's pinned down

Stabs her in the neck Okay And then turns to the dragon and says, do it Alright, so the Inquisitor Thorn dies And you no longer have any collateral in this Which means that the next person and three more people can move before the dragon does is Friso. All right.

Now, just so we're clear, the reason we were here is to place a bug to hear what she was going to say. All we needed is information. But now that she's dead... No, everyone was going to say... Oh, right, which we've already recorded. Yes, you've been recording.

All right, then I guess I'm killing that Davos guy. Right? Right! Yes! Yes? I don't know! Do it! You've been recording Alright then I guess I'm killing That Davos guy Right? Right Yes Yes? I don't know Do it Why are you

Why now are you Questioning your ability To kill? Why the crisis Of confidence At this precise moment Oh the man Who just stabbed

A foreign woman In the neck Alright so Friso readies his Readies his action Until Michael Hing Oh can I use my robe? Um you

Yes you can I'll make that a free action Excellent You can pull patches Actually, can I use my robe? Um, you... Yes, you can. I'll make that a free action. Excellent. You can pull patches. Actually, I've designed your robe. So you're talking about the robe of many items? Robe of many items. I pull off the patch, which I think is a snake, and I throw it at it. Okay, great. You tear from your robe of many items a patch, and you throw it at Davos,

and 50 feet of coiled hemp rope splash onto the ground. Alright! You still have your move action. and 50 feet of coiled hemp rope splash onto the ground. All right. You still have your move action. Can I say what he says? He goes, looks almost enough to hang yourself. And then one of his flunkies gives him a little high five. Just smack it, dude.

All right, in my move, I guess we run out of here. Okay, Friso runs out of the room. Excellent. The next person is Filch I'm gonna fight that dragon Yeah up on the balcony again remember yep. Yep. Yep. That's cool. I'm gonna fight it with a javelin Okay, so you throw a javelin at it. I throw an 18 Your javelin flies true and so you throw a javelin at it? I throw an 18. Okay, your javelin

flies true, and how much damage did you do? Seven. Seven hit points of damage. The dragon cries in pain, but it is not enough even to slow a dragon as big as this. Dilj. I'm all out of spell slots, so who

is in front of me? Right now, you're up against the wall. Remember, your ribs are hurting and you're bleeding. You were just thrown there by the dragon. No, that's what I can do. You're not drunk anymore. You vomited it all out. Aw, thanks.

I am on three hit points. Okay. I run to Filge's side. All right, you run in front of Filge. You can ready an action if you want. Yeah, yeah. Can I ready an action to smash the dragon if it comes close to melee attacker? You can.

Or like, actually, can I just run up and hit the dragon? No, the dragon's over the balcony. You can do what you just said. Okay, cool. I maintain a distance and try and like sneak attack. Do you want to say anything or anything? You've got a free action. This has been fun.

Okay. this has been fun okay it's the dragon's turn the dragon flexes once in a serpentine motion and dives down towards you Dilj, you are in front and it attacks you instantly grabs you and throws you to the ground and with a savage bite. So you have relentless endurance, so that's the only thing that's going to keep you conscious,

because it bites into your side. Every part of your body says, lie down, lie down, don't get up, don't fight. But the little Balboa part inside of you says, one more round. So you have one more action next turn, and then you will pass out from blood loss and dragon bite. Bobby, it's your turn. I do a cunning action, and I roll across the floor, grab the rod, and run up to where the dragon is attacking Dilj. As it rears back, I shove the rod in its mouth and press the button

so that it's locked a distance away from the two guys, the siblings who are... Okay that's that's pretty great I want you to go and make a dexterity this is very hard this is DC 20 involves a jump You rolled a four. You can't get past the dragons into its sort of area of threat and as you jump up with one wing it bats you and you go flying through a window. Am I holding on to my rod? I'm afraid you lose the rod. Oh, man. The rod is left there in the room.

It is now... You're gone, Friso. Whoa, hang on. So I'm running away. Yes. But I'm going to attack the dragon with my short bow. Okay, from the doorway, you poke your head in and attack with the short bow? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Short bow. And I roll a... I haven't left yet, guys. Come back in here. And I roll a... Such a hero. One. You break your short bow.

Cool. I'll see you later, guys. And I go... Bye! And you finish running. And you run out of the door. Okay, so the only people left in the room is Filge and Dilge. Filge, it's your go.

I think we've got to fight Tyrell. I'm going to do it. I'm going to go into a rage. I can't help you. You can still talk. You can still talk. Oh, thank God. Brother, you look not so good.

Shut up. I look great. Never be mean to someone if you can avoid it. Run, sister. No. Get out. Me avenge your dragon bite. No. Me avenge your dragon bite. No. Me avenge me dragon bite.

What do you mean? Leave. The only two of us. No beat dragon and man. Nah, I'm going to ignore him. I'm going to go into a rage. Okay, you go into a rage. What, am I making you angry with words?

Like so many people in the past have. So I'm going to go for Tyrell. Alright, you go for Tyrell, he's on the ground floor. You run towards Tyrell and are you just attacking him? Yes. I'm a class 14, beat that. Oh, I got a nine! Nine plus four is 13.

So you swing and you miss Davin who laughing at you as he takes his action spins his cape and races out towards the door cackling with one last line saying kill them, my pet, kill them all. That's the second last thing he says. And the last thing he says is...

Fuck yous all. And he's out through the door. Dilj, this is your last action before you pass out. Okay. I cleared this with Dave before, and I don't know if it's come up yet, but Dilj's wand is a club? It is.

What Dilj calls his wand is his magical focus, which is actually just a great club. Yeah. Which he's painted a star? It is. What Dilj calls his wand is his magical focus, which is actually just a great club. Yeah. Which he's painted a star on. Yeah. I rear back and fix the dragon

with a glint in my eye and I turn to Filch and I say, Sister, go. You're no good to killing awful and I say, Sister, go. You're no good to killing awful man who says, go fuck yourselves dead.

Me understand perfectly. Me am lose lot of blood. Are you going to run at it? Yeah. And with your readied action, you run towards the dragon, swinging your great club. It's an armor class 18. It's a huge...

One. How did we roll three ones in a row? How the fuck is that? We've got to buy new dice. You swing and you miss. And the dragon, unsympathetic and with guttural animal instinct, unsympathetic and with guttural animal instinct snakes its neck forward and bites your head and neck clean off your body which falls to the ground hand in your character sheet because Dilj the half-orc wizard is dead.

Will Filge, Friezo and Bobby escape? Can Dilge's death be salvaged? And what of this cult to seize power in the Sword Coast? For the answers to all of these, tune in to our last two episodes of this campaign of dragon friends thank you very much thank you so much the dragon friends as always are alex lee simon griner and michael hing with special guest tom walker the show is dm'd by david harman and is edited by me, Ben Jenkins. Our bard, as always, is Benny Davis. See you next time.