Dragon Friends - #1.11. A Valuable Addition to Our Team with Bish Marzook

Episode Date: December 14, 2015

Still reeling from the events of last episode, The Dragon Friends try and fight their way out of the House of the Artificer. On their way they meet a disaffected guard in search of a career change (Bish Marzook), and a supernatural being that Bobby really should be terrified of but isn't. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As glory's just beginning, our adventure never ends The saga of the heroes that they call the Dragon Friends Alright, here's a little summation of everything we've done so far Now gather round my children, I've a tale that you should know And I hope you've paid attention since we first began this show Cause a lot of stuff has happened in the intervening time And it's getting hard to sum up, harder still to make it rhyme Our story's just beginning, our adventure never ends

The saga of the heroes that they call the Dragon Friends So Friso is a wizard, Simon Griner plays a thief Alex Lee's a half-orc fighter, sort of ex-hop goblin chief. We've had lots of other heroes come and join them on their quest. Things got pretty grisly last time when Tom Walker met his death. Our story's just beginning, our adventure never ends. The saga of the heroes that they call the Dragon Friends. Now the Dragon Friends are hurting and they're trapped beneath the ground By a cult with a pet dragon and a lot of shit's gone down Will they live to tell the tale? Will their song spread near and far?

How should I know? It's all nonsense, don't ask me, I'm just a bard Our story's just beginning, our adventure never ends The saga of the heroes that they call the dragon friends the air below the house of the artifices is stale thick and heavy with smoke it feels like it has been weeks since you smelled the salt-laced fresh air of Waterdeep, though in reality it has only been a couple of hours, but of course so much has happened since

then. The mission that Janosmeer sent you on was to discover proof of conspiracy, a secret meeting of some of the oldest and newest guilds of Waterdeep, and proof you certainly have found. You all bear the... Sorry, yes? I was just going to say, does that mean all the middle guilds of Waterdeep, and proof you certainly have found. You all bear the... Sorry, yes? I was just going to say, does that mean all the middle guilds of Waterdeep

weren't invited? It was just the oldest and newest? Like, anyone who's been around for a bit of time? Do you know I have a list? Do you want to, like... Sure. So this is a conspiracy of the House of the Artificers, the Shipwrights Guild, the Mercers, Costas and Merchants, the Blackstaff Temple, the Tower of Sirik

and... The Candymakers of... Look, I've got codices, I've got appendix, what do you want, alright? The point is, a lot of people old and new. And of course, this conspiracy involves a plan, a plan that is nothing less than the subjugation of the entire Sword Coast. Leading this conglomerate is none other than the Duke of Daggerford, Davin Tyrell, a man who once framed you for the murder of his brother a lifetime ago,

and a man who began you down the road you've travelled since. Now, Davin has somehow enthralled Mature Red Dragon to his service, which in itself seems insane given the legendary pride and power of these awesome creatures. And in the process, you've become the adversary of a dangerous power broker of Waterdeep. The information that you've escaped his presence with is incredibly valuable, but it has come at a terrible cost. but it has come at a terrible cost. Filger's brother Dilj, the young wizard orc with big city dreams, lies dead in the room behind you,

his body trampled to death by dragons and cultists alike. He will have to be avenged, but for now, if you don't want to join him, it's time to run. The three of you reassemble outside the corridor, even as the screams of the cultists behind your rich fever pitch let's get out of here yeah i guess we run right that heavy they're real heavy back there i'm i'm really sorry i feel just yeah look there'll be time for funerals later let's get out of here you know have time to process you're still in shock let's run all right so you're just gonna? You're leaving the door wide open?

You're just... Oh. No. Dungeon Master, what is in the room? Are there any heavy items that a half-orc could lift to block a doorway, perhaps?

There are some sort of weird shelving units and there are... My brother's body? If Diljit... Yes, Biljit's still cradling her dead brother's body? If Diljit... Yes, Filj is still cradling her dead brother's body. Alright, just quickly then, I'm going to loot that body.

There could be some sick gear in there. Um, alright. You... Hey Filj, how do you feel about this? I say Filj, maybe you should take a memento of your brother, maybe take his wand slash club. Yeah, me get first dibs. That's fair.

Alright, you take what seems to the layman to appear to be a great club that has stars and moons crudely sketched into it. Hing, what are you desecrating from the recently departed? Is there some sort of like Dilge Filge family card

that like proves I'm a member of their family that I can take? Yes, yes. He of course travels with his long form birth certificate. Excellent. It's also called being a half orc. Cool. I've got plans. I'm taking the birth certificate.

Bobby, do you? In for a penny, in for a pound? I close his eyes and say a small prayer. I'm taking the birth certificate. Bobby, do you... In for a penny, in for a pound? I close his eyes and say a small prayer. And I urge these guys, guys, we have to go. Alright, so Dilj, quickly, put all those shelves in front of...

Dilj is dead, you monster. What? I am so sorry. I should remember. He's always living in his shadow. Dilj is the one who's still alive. Dilj is the one who died. That's right. He's deep for death.

Yeah, deep for death. Make an acrostic. This is just a quick question. Are we going to take Dilj's body with us? No, we're propping it up against the door. Oh, okay. And also the shelves, right? Shelves.

The shelves, whatever else in the room. Oh, the noise of the cultists is getting so much louder. So we're jamming everything in the room up against those two doors to barricade them shut. Hopefully they open inwards, otherwise this is a pointless exercise. They do, they do. Now, just so you're aware and so we're all clear, you came down into this atrium through a long corridor

that led upstairs into the house of the artificers escaping the dragon you have had to run further into the complex so you don't know where you are the doors do they have um handles do they they have large iron rings okay um i have a crowbar yes my person i'm gonna uh put that between the rings and as a first measurement to stop the excellent so you you barricade the doors shut as best you can and almost immediately as you do, large powerful thumps of cultists hitting the doors suggest that they're trying to get through.

It will not take long, of course. There is a red dragon in the room, but for now you have bought yourselves a small measure of time to make your way deeper into the subterranean complex you find yourself in. We run deeper and is it just one corridor? Are there rooms branching off? For now it is one corridor heavy with smoke.

All right. We get down low and we go, go, go. Wonderful. Yeah. As you make your way, what order are you travelling in? Dilge up front. Filch! Filch!

Tom was in like one adventure. Yeah, but no. What kind of impression did he make on you? Look, if no, actually turns out Filch is carrying Dilj's body out like that as like a warning orc. Is that so? Because that means the doors are already being broken down. No deal. I left the door.

Okay, you left. I'm not taking Dilj. I know he's your favourite. Filch is up front. I'm very sorry. I miss Dilge so much. He's a good guy. And then me and then I think Bobby will come up the rear. Great. Can you just make a perception check for me? Filge. No Filge.

Oh yep. I know how to do it. It's a 10 plus 0. 10. You don't seem to do it. It's a ten plus zero. Ten. Alright, you don't seem to notice anything. You make a big show of scouting and sniffing the air, tasting the air and peeking forward. And so Bobby and Frieza were justifiably upset

when you turn around a corner and spot four figures immediately in front of you, blocking the way towards a staircase that seems to lead up above surface. Do they look threatening? They look super threatening. So this isn't some sort of rescue party? One of the four removes a long flappy hat with a huge feather

and you see a face you have not seen since the days of the ship line. Which was like two days ago. It's feather guy. Sorry, yes? Well, I'm just going to draw my short bow and just shoot one of them. As you get ready to knock an arrow, he puts his hand up and you... Shoot him in the hand. Okay.

Roll initiative. Eight. At disadvantage because he's just got to get his hand up. Two dice. Six. Eight was your lowest? Six was the lowest. Six was the lowest.

Okay. He ostentatiously, the dwarf with the hat, raises his hand and immediately an arrow ricochets like an inch from his cheek, which sort of interrupts his flow. Yeah. And this is a character that has been in the show before, but I didn't play. Oh, sorry. Yeah, this is, of course, Albus Rumsfeld,

head of the Shipwrights Guild. So I don't know what his voice is but is it Snagglepuss? I don't believe that Steen of the Bear Pack played it as Snagglepuss but something could have happened in the last two days. Maybe he went to some improv classes. Yeah.

And he goes, Joinks! I'm going to be around for a while. This is the big finale. Okay. No, no, no, we committed. You snuggle puss. You edit the podcasts.

You know what he sounds like. I forgot. Yeah, Ben has this disability where every voice he hears is snuggle puss. All he can hear right now is, Exit stage left even, from everyone. Albus Rumsfeld is a heavy hire to security for the members of the cultists below the House of the Artifices, and he is there with some of his local toughs blocking your way.

This is Phil, and over here, that's Craig. I don't know the other one's name but you've made a powerful enemy. Oh this is so annoying. Oh fuck. Albus, Albus, Albus quickly. The dragon's gone crazy. It's murdering cultists. You better go that way

and get it. Is that a deception check? Yeah that's definitely a deception check. Albus of course knows reasons why that might not be the case. That's a bloody 19 is what that is. Plus my charisma? Inexplicably high charisma. Oh, okay.

Are we charismering? Yes. Charisma, that's 22. So try and beat 22, old mate. Well, okay. Well, okay. Albus. It seems like I'm going to have to exit.

A certain direction. And he takes off? With his guys. Yeah, he leaves maybe one or two behind. Why is he leaving one or two behind? You keep an eye on him Alright, so Albus goes to investigate and orders his two thugs I'm never coming back

No, you're coming back Orders two of his thugs one of them a dwarf and one of them a halfling level crossbows that are ludicrously large for their small frames That seems like a frames and he tells you to wait. In a second, he and

his associate leave to investigate the way that you've come. You know that in seconds you will be rumbled, but for now you are left with the two of them. I'm just going to walk straight through them. We should walk straight up to them so the crossbows are ineffectual. That's not how crossbows work. What do you mean? If I'm real close, this ranged weapon won't work. What? You them so the crossbows are ineffectual. That's not how crossbows work. What do you mean?

Not in front of the crossbow. If I'm real close, this ranged weapon won't work. What? You've got the crossbow here and I'm standing here. You can't aim it back towards yourself. Why can't I do that? Because I'm so close. That's not how crossbows work.

This is an artillery. What are you doing? As you start to walk towards the two of them, the halfling, who seems to be in command, or at least the most lucid of the two, raises a hand to stop his friend shooting you, which is what he was going to do. Shoot him.

Shoot him. And says, you heard Albus. He said to stand still. Oh, I have a terrible case of worms, so I have to keep wiggling around It's really awful to talk about I'm so sorry But it's just

If I stay still I just think about it too much And it's worse than it actually is Please forgive me I'm so sorry And are you, while you're saying this Like rubbing your bum on the carpet I'm just like

Yeah, like a dog Like scooting around on the floor Do you know what? Rather than rolling to see if that makes sense, why don't we just introduce that halfling to the stage played by Wolf Comedy's Bish Mazook. It is Seamus Noggin. Wow, Bish, I'm real sorry we're going to have to kill you right now.

But you're levelling a crossbow at us. I came prepared. For what? Murder. Listen to the podcast, Friso. I know what happens. Okay. Righto.

So, uh... So, do you know how crossbows work? Um... Just out of interest. Is your character proficient in crossbows? No. This feels like information you shouldn't be... Don't give up that information to the enemy.

I'm sorry, what's your name again? Seamus Nuggin. And what kind of class are you? I'm a bounty hunter, but I specialize in lost pets. Is that more of a booty hunter? Sorry, bad joke, sorry. So I've actually seen that before. Probably in pets.

Yeah, I've got an argument for that if you want. I thought you said pants. Sorry. That's why my booty joke was weird. Sorry, everyone. Yeah, that felt extremely flat. Sorry, everyone. I was actually sitting here trying to be like,

what word did he think he heard? So how have you become to the security detail of Rumsfeld? I don't know. I just was looking for a lost cat one day. It went into the docks, and then I ended up working for... You fell in with a bad crowd. What's his name?

Yeah. All right, well, I think we can... So, I mean, I could fall in with another bad crowd. Or a good crowd. Or a good crowd that murders a lot. bad crowd. Or a good crowd! Or a good crowd that murders a lot. The dwarf

to the side of Eushamus starts to look uneasy and with a very itchy trigger finger wondering why you haven't shot Bobby as Bobby is presumably still slowly walking. Speaking of itchy trigger fingers. He's not walking, he's scooting along on his butt. Can I

turn to the dwarf and be like, hey, he didn't even know our names. He's not going to miss us if we don't stick around. Oh, are you saying you want to flee? Or just not work for him anymore. This is how you get out. This is your escape. So do you not want to work for Elvis anymore?

I mean, to be honest, I'm pretty hurt that he forgot my name well famous yeah your name yes yes Seamus we've never forgotten the characters name before that you know about so guess, and what's the dwarf's name? What's your friend's name, Seamus? Yeah, what's your friend's name, Seamus? Oh, great. Pretty high in mind, even someone going on about forgetting people's names. You don't remember my name? I went to your christening.

How old are you? I'm pretty old. I'm past it. So you're probably quite weak and couldn't fight off four people? I'm scrappy. What are you doing? What's going on? Tim is my name.

That's right. So I go, oh, so that pretty sweet crossbow, can I see it? Hey, dude, she's cool. Sure. And I put my, like, giant hand out. Do I have a choice? And I grab it, and then I crush it in my hands like powder. And I say, we could have used that ourselves. like powder.

And I say, we could have used that ourselves. Okay, Bish, cross out the large heavy crossbow on your list, which has been destroyed by... Has there been anything Alex could do the whole time? Just take an enemy's weapon and crush it? I just had to believe in myself. No. Why have we not been doing that the whole fucking time? In fairness, that's not what happened.

What happened was that she asked an enemy for a weapon and the enemy was like, which hasn't happened before. Also, you are pretty snooty for a guy who any time someone crosses him, he points a finger at them and they die. Hey, Filch, do you reckon Tim wants his crossbow? Can me see your crossbow?

Oh, well, I don't... And then before Tim can answer, and he's like, actually, weirdly, about to. Doesn't seem quite right. And then you hear from down the hall, like, yeah, he was tricked again! And indeed, Albus Rumsfeld has returned. Having discovered that further down,

instead of a rampaging dragon, there is instead the desecrated corpse of a recently burgled orc slung against a door, he then assumed that something was up and has returned. Luckily, he can't identify that because I took the birth certificate. See? It was a good idea. Except for the fact that he bears a startling resemblance

to the person standing in front of him. Not important. We run. I just lean into your ear and I say, you'll never be a brother of mine. I'm rolling for a new... Let's fucking do it. Well, indeed, you're going to have to because Albus is not ready to talk, because the last time he tried to parley with you,

you shot an arrow at him. So, everybody, I've got actually your initiatives here, because I already pre-did them, and combat is about to break out, which means, Bobby, you get to go first. Well, I already have my short bow out, so I shoot at Rumsfeld. You had your short bow out the whole time,

because that really changes the nice conversation that you just had. I was also scooting around on my bike. Oh yeah, he's good for it. Okay, you're going to shoot?

Yeah. Alright, excellent. Roll. That is a... There we are. You need to beat the armor class which is 15.

No. Do you want to tell us how badly you did? A third of that. Alright, for the second time in as many minutes, you fire an arrow straight into the ceiling.

That's my favourite ceiling! Nothing if not consistent. The next one up is Tim, who's deciding that his boss is back in the room. Yeah, Tim's going to fight for him. Tim's going to be like, oh, great, yeah, I'm with you. And he's going to take... When did this become a conversation be like, oh, great. Yeah, I'm with you. And he's going to take...

When did this become a conversation? They're henchmen. Oh, g'day. I just love a bit of a chat. What I like most about my job, if I'm honest, is I guess you get to meet a lot of people. Anyway, so here's my sword. And he draws his sword.

And he's going to attack Filch. All right, he attacks Filch. G'day, Filch. Plus four to hit. Sorry? Plus four to attack Filge. All right, he attacks Filge. G'day, Filge! Plus four to hit. Sorry? Plus four to hit. Yep. That is a five.

Hey, samesies. All right, this is an underwhelming combat so far. And then he goes, you know, if I'm honest about this, I'm not very good at my job. Seamus Noggin, you're next so this is back um now's your chance who you gonna fight for one of us one of us one of us one of us are you just chanting that right then yeah in character. During the battle. Damn it.

This is one of those career moments where you have to decide. Look, either way we're going to kill you, so... Was that Hing or Friso? That was Hing. That was a funny joke, not a thing that Friso said. It's just a thing that Friso thought. I turn to her and I say, join us, Seamus. I want to say Seamus.

Brother Seamus. Brother Seamus. And then Rumsfeld goes, stop messing around and kill them, Shane. That was my twin brother's name! And then I, like, run at Tim. Tim? And you, like, shouted at Rumsfeld. And then inexplicably angry at your co-worker,

you draw your long sword, roll a d20. Can I just say, this is what management does. They split the workers and then they make them fight against each other. Just why you have to join your local guild. That's a 16 that hits now we roll a d10 you got this and a 2 all right you you that would be 6 with your plus 4 so you do six points of damage to... Tim. To Tim. Tom, listen up, Tom. Who immediately seems surprised to have... Pretty hurt, actually. Emotionally and physically.

He's bloodied but not yet defeated. The next one up is Frizo. I am going to fire my short bow at Albus. Yes. I roll a 14 plus 5, a 19. Does that hit? That does hit. Excellent.

Then I do a D6 plus 3. I do 1 plus 3 damage. I do 4 damage to Albus. All right. Albus barely grunts. He's been hurt, but he can take a lot more. Yay! Hurting.

Excellent. It is now Albus' go. Albus pulls out a scimitar, which seems to glow with a sickly green light. He then rushes forward towards you, Bobby, while your butt's still on the ground, and lunges at you and hits, dealing six hit points.

Do I have any opportunity to jump out of the way, being nimble as I am? No, that's built into your armour class, I'm afraid. The next one up is Filge. How far away is he, sorry? About 15 feet away. It's a small corridor. Great.

I'm going to javelin him. That's very close, but you're going to do a close quarters javelining? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I're going to do a close quarters javelining? I'm going to javelin him and hopefully I want to skew a Tim on the way as well. Like a little kebabs. That's tricky,

but I'm going to allow it. We're going to give that why don't you just do an attack with disadvantage and if you're successful you get Tim on the way. Well, I got a three and a 12. A three is not even enough to get Tim. So you throw it and it lands at Albus's feet who says,

yee! She gets plus nine to her attack because... No, I get plus four, four eyes. Oh, sorry. Seven. I got seven. That is everybody. So it goes back to you, Bobby.

I fire my crossbow at Rumsfeld again. And fuck me, another five. Is it possible this group of people is actually somehow bad at rolling dice? Or did you purchase the discount dice and they were all weighted? Excellent. Thanks to our sponsors at Good dice. Or did you purchase the discount dice and they were all weighted? Excellent. Thanks to our sponsors at Good Game for selling us these faulty dice.

Gave us the dice. Tim, now with a sword in him and in his last legs, draws his own sword. Yeah. And he's like, alright, well I guess I'm just going to attack somebody now.

And he addresses it at Albus. He's like, all right, well, I guess I'm just going to attack somebody now. And he, like, addresses it at Albus. Yep. He's like, I'm so angry. And then he attacks Seamus. Because apparently that's what we do. All right. D20. Yeah.

That's a 20. 20. Oh. That is a critical threat. No, that's a critical now. So just roll two of your attack dice, get the d6. Alright, you take 11 hit points of damage. So he hit you worse than you hit him, I'm afraid.

And... No, no, shut up Seamus, yeah! That's what he says. You remembered. Is he like... Seamus, Seamus. Seamus, you're bleeding,

you're hurt. What do you do? Finish him. Finish him. Is he still whispering that? Are you? That's his freezer whispering into your ear.

Finish him. How close is Tim? He's right next to you. Okay, yep. I'm going to... We're going to have to kill Tim. But it doesn't matter. We're in too deep.

What are you going to do? Be like, hey, do you want to join our party? No, he's hurt. He's going to slow us down. Kill him. I'm going to try and crawl away okay you're gonna just do a total defense action and crawl away all right valuable addition to our team no it's not her fault she has worms Seamus goes down on all fours like a little dog and just sort of scurries away great you have advantage to defense for the rest of the round and that Seamus goes down on all fours like a little dog and just sort of scurries away.

Great, you have advantage to defence for the rest of the round. And that brings us to Friso. Alright, I turn to Tim and I go, Hey Tim, you want to join us? Because I'm real close and I haven't missed with my bow yet. Nah, I'm good I reckon. You guys seem pretty fucked up. I fire my shortbow at Tim.

And I hit 18. Okay. D6 plus three. I do six damage to Tim. And Tim dies. I gave you a choice. I gave you a choice. Albus.

Sorry, yes. And Tim's final words that will be sort of you know told to his children and their children and made put on the family crest

is Darcy Albus Rumsfeld brought came into this corridor with two henchmen one of them is currently dead

shish kebab'd on the ground by a homicidal high elf the other is scurrying homicidal? I was defending oh come on and elf. The other is scurrying... Homicidal? I was defending... Oh, come on! And the other one is currently scurrying away.

Albus, with very few friends, left and realizes it's time for a final gambit. And he sheathes his rapier, and instead of stabbing you, Bobby, he kicks a lever to the side of him. Gears, rusted gears, long, closed, groan, and shutters on the side of him. Gears, rusted gears, long closed, groan, and shutters on the side of the corridor begin to open and the pure lunar light of the high harvest night

floods into the corridor. Albus groans and steps back. Suddenly, you're loving this, Simon. Is he going to turn into? He might turn into. And he throws his head back and gives a primordial howl as fur and claws... And I'll do the howl. Okay. Because I had a real flow going, but you go right ahead.

As he turns into a werewolf. He then, with huge lupine claws, lunges forward and with his claws slashes at Filge even as he bites at Bobby. Filge, he misses with his claws. Bobby, he misses, coming inches away from your neck. But does he still bite me? Such that I might one day become a werewolf?

He has not yet bit you such as you might one day become a werewolf. I turn to Seamus and I'm like, is that the dog you were looking for? I think it's over there. Filch, it's your go. Oh. I'm like, good boy. No, I think this dog has gone bad. So I'm going to go into a rage.

Okay, you go into a rage, which means you get bonus hit points, advantage for combat. I'm going to try and punch that feral dog. Again, you have a two-handed hammer. Use them all. No, a rage is good. Yes, yeah, all right, you're going to punch the dog. Punch the dog.

You want to punch the dog? And we just got our episode name. Sometimes you have to punch the dog. Go ahead. Yeah, okay. So I'm going to... Sometimes you punch the dog. Sometimes the dog punches you.

One. Yeah. And then roll another one. Oh, yeah. Highest one. You rolled a three and a four. Oh, my goodness. What's your strength?

Because the armour class is not amazing for a werewolf. I got a... Hmm? No, you miss. All right. Okay, you miss, and that means Bobby, it's your go.

Okay, I quickly go into my coin purse and pull out a silver coin. Yes. Oh, do you have a silver coin? Yeah, the silver piece is a currency in fair play. Yeah, and I

put it on an arrow. No. No. No. No, sorry. Just put it on. Explain that concept. Are you going to balance it on the tip? I get a leather thong and I wrap it around.

That'll be your whole action. I'll let you do it, but that's going to take... Do we have an audience suggestion? Yeah, yeah. But it'll just bounce off him. It's not sharp. No, but if it hits him, it burns their skin from what I understand. Do an arcana check.

Oh no, they're becoming unruly. It says here I have five silver. I take all the coins and I fling them at the werewolf. Excellent. Well done. Make it rain. Thanks, guys. Okay.

I want you to make a dexterity check. You have to beat 11. 14 plus 3, 17. Congratulations. All right. The wolf howls in pain as the smell of burning flesh fills the air. He staggers back, taking what seems like a not inconsiderable amount of damage, and he roars in pain, saying something like,

Why doesn't my voice change? Is this the first time he's become a werewolf? Also, can I just say that we were going through this adventure beforehand in the green room and Ben was like, oh, excellent. And I was like, what? And he's like, I've just remembered a voice I haven't done in Dragon Friends yet. It was not this.

Seamus Noggin, you're next. I have plus three animal handling. Catch that dog! Catch that dog! What are you going to do? I also have some rope. So I'm going to try and fashion a lasso. And you're going to try and leash the werewolf?

Yep. All right. You have plus three animal handling. This is disadvantage because it's currently aggressive. And this is an important dice roll. So what we're going to do is I'm going to give you this. And I want you to throw it into the audience. And then anyone who picks it up, just tell us what number is facing them.

You need to... Oh, we won't make a a disadvantage I'll just make it a hard check. So you need to beat 17. Sport! Sport! Sport! Sport! Sport! 18! Alright! The best! All right. That's the best. While you are all fighting, Seamus seems to look off in the middle distance like some kind of savant

and gets up and slowly walks towards the werewolf. Before you can say, what are you doing? That is a ravenous werewolf. She pulls out a coil of rope and stands like a mystic cowboy, making calming clicking noises in her neck, and very carefully loops the rope around the werewolf's neck, and then before anyone can say anything,

slings her tiny halfling body around and mounts the back of its neck. You are now driving the werewolf, which means that it has disadvantage at combat for now on if it's attacked or you guys can, I guess, leave her riding it away and run away. It's up to you. Yippee-ki-yay. The next one up is Freezo. Alright. I am gonna...

I just want to engineer an awkward situation. So can I... How unlike you. Can I... Can I hit the lever to remove the moonlight? And then we'll... We'll shame us just be riding a guy? Make an arcana check.

DC 15. Dave, does the wolf still have its hat on? I am nailing these checks. This is an 18 plus 3. It's a 21. All right. You are aware that if you remove lunar light from this type of werewolf, then he will...

This very bad, stupid werewolf that can only exist as a werewolf as long as it doesn't go into any sort of shade. Look, I'm just saying, that's what happened when the moon... Sure. So... Yeah, I'm going to say that it gets weaker, progressively weaker over about 12 seconds

and then turns back into a human. Alright, I'm gonna hit that lever. Okay, it's a strong lever. Albus is much stronger than you. So, strength check. DC 15. Oh, 3 minus 1 is 2. Okay. Freezo, looking very cocky, walks over, sheathes his own bow and just... No, no, I think you try to kick it like Albus did and you really badly stub your toe.

Yeah, take a hit point. That's fair. Excellent. And then that brings us to Filch. I just shake my head silently at Hing and then I walk over and I kick the lever. Like without saying anything. Not even going to make you roll.

Okay. So strong. I got 21. All right. We'll jump. Bobby, quickly, it's your turn. Okay, I take my short sword and in his weakened state, I go to remove his head.

He's very distracted because he has a halfling riding on his back. You are a rogue, which means that you... This counts as a sneak attack, so you get all your bonus damage. What's the... You have to beat 12. Just one dice, though. 16. Excellent. 2d6 plus 3. That's a 6 and a 2. 11.

11. All right, he roars in pain in his weakened state. You almost actually take the neck off in one sweep. He's incredibly painful. Blood spurts everywhere, mostly all over you, Seamus. I drink a little bit of the blood. I'm making a note of it. It tastes bitter like copper. And glory.

Is that even how you become a werewolf? No, it's how you get very sick. Bobby immediately shits himself. No, he doesn't. Next up is Albus, who does, again, a multi-attack. First of all, on you, Seamus. And he successfully... Oh, God.

Has Seamus crawled away? Oh, no, no. Is he back to being a man? Oh, wait, no, no. It's disadvantage because he's got halfling riding on him. So he misses you, Seamus. That's a seven. And then he goes and tries to bite

because you're right up next to him. Stop looking so excited. Okay, yeah, he bites you. Okay. You're only on nine, like you've only got nine. You're ruining this by being too excited, but he does nine points of damage to you. Oh, that's all I've got left.

Really? So that means... Okay, no, no, great. All right, thank you. You died, but you lived your last moments. That was the dream. No, we haven't done this yet. Okay, great.

This means you go into shock. Your eyes roll back as the werewolf bites you. And now I need you to make a save versus death. You have to roll 11 or more. And every round you're going to need to make one of these. If you lose three, you die. Okay. I yell as I roll this dice.

Remember, I have two healing potions on me. Please. I just, I love a backseat driver. 17. 17, alright, you're fine for now, but you are passing out, slumped against the corner. Potions! Bish, riding

cowgirl, what do you do? Um, I am just riding, can I direct? You have a free hand. Can I? So if you have a free hand. Can I? So if you have a little cowboy hat, I guess you could wave it. She waves the hat. I wave the hat, yeah.

Alright, you continue your grapple. Can I try to direct him away from everyone else? Yes, you absolutely can. He's in pain, he's confused. Go ahead and make an animal handling check. Just moderate 15, so you've got to get 12. 10, 9, 10, 11 absolutely can. He's in pain, he's confused. Go ahead and make an animal handling check. Just moderate, 15, so you've got to get 12. 10, 9, 10, 11, 12! Alright, you start cantering the werewolf down the corridor

the way that you've come, and it's Freezo's go. Pushing! Pushing! You got three chances. Pushing! Potion You got three chances Potion I don't want to like leave myself open to attack from this galloping werewolf

alright so I look at Bobby and I give him a look that just says would you shut up and You're bursting me in front of the werewolf

and I I look at my I look at my sundial. 12 seconds has passed. No, six seconds. Every round is six seconds. All right, cool. So I guess I'm going to...

Is there a chance I'll hit... Oh, absolutely. Oh, my goodness. I don't want to hit the animal handler. She has a name. It's also a boy's name. Seamus. But just so we're clear, Is your character male or female?

Male Why is that important right now? Because we keep calling her she Look, if you want to misgender this person That's just not something Frieza's about, alright? Frieza's a Christian psychopath Is it Seamus or Seamus? We need to know.

What are you doing? I fire the short bow. If I fire the short bow at Seamus but miss, will it hit the werewolf? Oh, that's a good point. So the way it's going to work is like this. It's going to be five points harder to hit. Sorry, if you fail by less than five,

it's going to hit the person you're aiming at. So, Seamus, what's your armour class? 18. 18. And the werewolf's armour class is, as I said, 12. So I should try... That's the hardest shot, so I'll shoot this at Seamus. Oh, your logic being that it's a harder thing...

It's an easy thing to fail. Yeah, exactly. And if you're failing it, you will hit the werewolf. Yeah. I don't like it, but okay. I can't see how this could possibly go wrong. Okay, so as I light up this trick shot, I very loudly explain to Seamus what I'm doing.

Shoot. A ten. Okay. I fail. You fail. Congratulations. The good news is a ten would have hit Seamus if you'd shot at the werewolf. So your weird logic worked.

Good. All right. Do I hit the werewolf? Oh, no, I didn't fail hard enough to hit the werewolf, did I? It falls gently on a small pile. Oh, no, wait. What's your armour class? 18.

I hit the bloody werewolf. 10? Yeah, 10. That's less than five. That's more than five failure points. So 13, you needed to... And I got a 10. Oh, sorry, I see.

Sorry. I thought you meant if I failed by more than five. No, that would have been like... Because I'm failing it so hard that I hit the person I wasn't trying to hit. Yeah, look, I'm pretty loose on these rules and I think I'm going through a wrong edition, but we're going to stick with where we're up to.

All right. Okay, so your arrow... You're going to get emails, all right? Oh, we will. Your arrow smalls in a small pile of Bobby's arrows that have failed to hit anything. And the next up is Albus... He's being ridden.

Yeah, like a pony. How much agency does he have? How much wolf is he? He's a wolf in pain his neck is severed a little bit I think Albus tries to shake the halfling off so why don't you go ahead and make a strength

test and we'll make a disadvantage because you've been successfully grappled during Seamus' turn. What's the lowest you get? Eight. Eight. You failed to push off the halfling. And Bobby, it's your go.

So I just have to stay alive? All you do is you roll again. Did Filch have a go? No, sorry, Filch. Oh, sorry. Potion. All right, fine. What do you need?

Pursuit. Alright. So right now, Simon, your life and death situation is Alex Lee remembering how to Dungeons and Dragons hard enough to keep you alive. I sigh loudly and I walk over and I know what you do with a dying man, which is steal all their things.

Okay. All right, Filge, Filge, you learnt from the best. He has on him a backpack and three potions. Two of them have the sort of Faerunian symbol for first aid and one of them is a potion of hill giant strength that you bought two episodes ago. Alright,

so I empty that bag upside down. Should Filch make an intelligence check to see if she can recognise which potion is which? These are just symbols. That's what Filch is doing. I'm gonna go, intuition is always better. And I close my eyes.

Roll a five plus. No, sorry, roll a one or a two as the giant strength potion. And the three plus is the healing potion. And then tell me what you do with it. So I reach, I'm fumbling around on the ground. And I get a one! You pick up the potion of hill giant strength. Yeah, good, you need strength, and I open it,

and I pour it on you, I just kind of pour it on you. This is not a contact potion, it has no effect. Bobby, make that death check, bud. You start to die. You've got two more of those checks, right? Fish, your go. Can I try and like use this? Youedly holding this. So I'm gonna you have a little dagger as well. I think if you look at the second page, you've got a whole bunch of little

things. Can I try and blind the wolf? Yes, absolutely. So you can pull out the knife and try and stab it in the eye? Yeah. Okay. Excellent. All right. Why don't you go ahead?

I'm going to call that just a normal attack, but we'll call it with disadvantage. So two dice again. Because you're trying to do something tricky. You've got to beat 12. 16? Oh, sorry. Disadvantage? Yeah, 10 plus your attack bonus hits. Oh, beat. 12. 16. Oh, sorry. The disadvantage.

10 plus your attack bonus hits. Oh, okay. Okay. You pull out your tiny, adorable halfling knife and you stab it into Albus's eye. Go ahead and roll a D6 for a dagger. No, D4, sorry. Roll a D4. This one.

Oh, dice. Have fun at dice. Two. Two. What's your strength? points Albus gives a pitiful roar and slumps forward dead as you very gracefully dismount You do it. Beautiful.

Dave? Yes? As the werewolf dies, do his eyes turn human so I can look at them? I don't see why not. All right. I'll mark that down. Can I just be... Can I just say to him as he's dying, it's Seamus.

All right, we're going to stop right there. Have a drink, go to the bathroom, and we will see if the Dragon Friends make it out of the House of Artifice. So thank you very much. The Dragon Friends are Simon Greiner, Alex Lee and Michael Hing. The show is DM'd by David Harmon and edited by me, Ben Jenkins. Our bard, as always, is Benny Davis. And our special guest this week was Bish Mazook.

Thanks for listening. As glory's just beginning Our adventure never ends The saga of the heroes That they call the Dragon Friends