Dragon Friends - #2.03. A Level One Handsome Man with Eve Beauregard

Episode Date: March 9, 2016

The Dragon Friends have only been in Barovia for a couple of days and already they're on the run from the law. Also, Freezo makes an important decision this episode, but arguably not a very constructive one. Featuring special guest cosplayer extraordinaire Eve Beauregard! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there podcast listeners, this is Dave, your DM, welcoming you to this, the third episode of the new season of Dragon Friends. Just a word of warning, in this episode we were struggling a bit with Friso's microphone, so for the first ten minutes he sounds a little bit dodgy. It gets better, so bear with us. Hope you enjoy. Dragon Friends! If it's spooky, don't be frightened.

Dragon Friends! Scurry home and bar the door. Daylight ends. And the fiends and ghouls delight in things that's scarce. Be well aware as you make your way. Don't be led astray for the goal is near. And your friends are here. And there's plenty more in store.

The moon shines brightly despite the hour, giving the ever-present mist of the Barovian night a strange and deadly quality. Earlier this morning, you had agreed to ride out to the Pillar Stone in search of Father O'Donovitch, the only man protecting the Barovian villagers from the weekly attacks they have suffered for years now. A simple mission, but it's safe to say that things didn't go great. O'Donovitch is now dead, mostly because Filch threw him at a tree until he died. Friso,

the half-elf homeschooled wizard, is dying, a victim of the mad priest's last incantations. Bobby Pancakes, the halfling rogue, is nowhere to be seen. He fled during the battle, clutching the village's holy relic, an item of divine power that O'Donovitch had stolen and seemed ready to give up to the mysterious

Count Strahd. But you have little time to reflect, for O'Donovitch's off-sider, the acolyte Brazly, has come looking for him. And Filge, even as you heft Friso's limp body over your shoulder, Brazly sees the sight of his former master's body broken on the ground in front of an angry half-orc What have you done? What have you done? Me just found it like this. Me feeding horses and came back He's napping You're a big green liar

You got the liar face I saw you throw him at a tree You're nothing but a big meanie No, no, I'm not Me not like that Me He told me to do it. Okay, I'm going to say that that is, we're going to call that a deception check, but that is such a bad

lie that we're going to put disadvantage on that. so roll two dice. Lowest number, DC 13. Six. That's a nine. That's a nine, guys. Come on. That's a nine. That's still not enough, unfortunately. Brazley is wise to you, and his shouts have now attracted a bunch of woodsmen nearby.

I'm wise to you. Okay, so even though I'm passed out, can I still use my telepathic abilities to talk to people? Why would you be able to do that? What do you mean? I can't do it. Okay, you know what? You know what you can do? You can use your telepathic abilities because you're actually not that well controlled. You can't stop. But you can only tell Fil know what you can do? You can use your telepathic abilities because you're actually not that well-controlled. You can't stop.

But you can only tell Fields what you're dreaming about. Uh, all right. No, that wasn't here about my dreams. Especially because they're private. Look. I can't talk to the bracelet? No, you're unconscious. In fact, because you've reminded me, go and take a death check. Wait, do we get to dice camp?

Oh, yes. Dice camp. Hey, this is exciting. This is our newest feature. And for everyone on the podcast, we apologize because this is really a visual thing. But oh my God. Okay, now, This is a death check If you fail three of these

You die for good And I rip up your character sheet You need to roll What's going to happen to the show? It's a nice chair right down there My adventures will probably like Last a little bit longer So

Yeah 11 or higher That's a five Okay no no not for a death check a little bit longer so yeah 11 or higher that's a five no no not for a death check so you have failed one of your death checks make a note on that if you don't get healing by the time you fail three you are dead for good and I have a great new character for you to play Brazley's shouts have already attracted the attention of woodsmen working late Jerry, Harry, Donald, Gary, Phil Get over here

We've got a big wire on our hands There you're quickly surrounded by big men holding axes This is not looking good We're wise to you. Oh. Hey, boys. Me and Brazley just doing a bit of play acting for the Bavaria. It's Barovia.

Barovia concert. Christmas concert. It's called, who killed that guy? That's not what's happening at all. Seize her. Gary, Phil, Don, Julian. It's Jerry. Sorry, Julian.

Seize her. Two of them make steps towards you. Things are looking grim. It's Jerry. Sorry, Julian. Caesar! Okay, but... Two of them make steps towards you. Things are looking grim. Oh, there are a lot of trees here. Not for every one of you. They, of course, weren't here, so they are confused by that reference.

They understand soon enough. Just as the two men are about to grab you forcibly by the arm, you hear a... I'm the boss! And riding in on a white stallion is your new friend, Baston, legally distinct from Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, a man who you met the day before and who seemed to be fascinated by Friso. Yes.

Unhand her and him. Hands to thyselves. I am the only one who shall use his hands. There is a moment of confusion and you sense an opportunity if you want to, to jump on the horse and go with Bastogne. Alright, let's do this. So I take

I take Friso and I chuck him up on top of the horse. Thank you! Bastogne begins to ride away. Oh! And I chuck him up on top of the horse. Thank you. Baston begins to ride away.

Don't do things to him. Okay, are you running? Are you following? Yeah, I'm following. So I give chase to the horse. I'm like, wait for me. Make an athletics check. DC 10.

See if you can outrun these. We'll do dice camp on special occasions. 13. And I got 13 plus 6. Easy. Okay, you manage to, with a burst of speed, you follow Bastogne into the old Spallage woods and soon the woodsmen are left behind. But you can't help but feel a little bit insulted

that everybody else is on the horse. Yeah, but I got like 19, so I pirouette onto the horse. And I land like standing up. And the horse goes... Sorry, sorry. You kill the horse? Does the horse survive? Well, you just got jumped on by an orc.

Is that what you do? Yeah, but I thought that was the getaway plan. Oh, shit. Will the horse survive? Yeah, okay, look, you know what? The horse isn't happy. You haven't made a new friend of the horse. But this is an obnoxiously big horse,

and it can carry a half-orc, a puny wizard, and Bastogne. This horse is a two-horsepower horse.y wizard, and Bastogne. This horse is two horsepower horse. So grand, isn't it? You feed this horse other horses? Yes. Only their hooves, though. The gelatin's good for his joints. Ah.

I see you've landed on my horse, she-beast. Ah, I see you've landed on my horse, she-beast. Your friend, and my friend, is in ill repair. Are you talking about the dead priest, or...? No, your beautiful friend, a man. Ah, Friso. Yes. He not so good.

You have Dr Doctor on here? I have to admit, I don't know where I am. To that point you realise that you are very deep in the Smarlicz Woods. The plan was kind of, I thought I'd come in, and I'd do it here. Old horsey, two horse, is what I call him. Horsey two horse. Because he's two horsepower. I thought he'd do a big neigh, which would scare everyone.

I'd pick you up. Or, you followed. That wasn't part of the plan, but well done. I'm having a very vivid dream about my robe of many items and how there's a patch with potions on it. and now there's a patch with potions on it. That's a very good point, Hing, and thank you for reminding me. Make another death check. Dice Cam.

Eleven or higher. Wait for the dice. Go, dice Cam, active. Stabilised. Okay. In a adrenaline rush, this is like bungee jumping. If you get three successes, you wake up. Oh, okay. Double nine. What if I get four successes?

You don't have to keep doing it for the rest of your life. I mean, we can if you want to, but that means you'll definitely eventually die. Bastogne, me just had strangest vision. Of Robe. We should give Freeza a robe. He's probably cold. He's probably freezing.

Oh. Oh, these rags are soaked in blood. Let's strip some of these off. They just begin ripping up the robe of many items. Does that mean like a sword and a door and things just keep on stopping and like appearing everywhere because they're ripping up the robe? Yeah, I guess it does. So much for the audience who's like, yes. Yeah, right. You're starting to rip up the robe.

Alright, well I don't know what all these are, so basically the items you're going to find on the ground will be a sword, maybe a lantern, I think a microphone. It's a dagger, a bull, yes, a lamp, and that's a ten-foot pole with a steel hook on the end. Oh, right. You carry that around in your backpack? No, it's my robe of many items.

It was, it was your robe of many items. What's the bottom middle one? It looks like a rabbit honestly. As you rip up the robes to create bandages for Friso, a battering ram falls on the ground. Good for four men. Luckily I have a bag of holding. So I say, stop. Horse to horse, stop. And she does.

We're developing a bond. And I pick up all the shit and I put it in... I pick up the battering ram and the door and the hook and the sword and I put it all in my bag of holding. So I get all that shit now, right? Yeah, I guess it's all yours now. Damn it! The woods are cold, dark and strange

to both you and Bastogne, and the horse, faithfully having carried you this far, does not look like it can carry you much further. You are desperately lost inside this far-litch wood, the mist surrounding and encroaching on every tree as you realise you are a long way from home. I'm not afraid at all, but my horse is. You thinking what I'm thinking?

We cut horse in half and sleep in horse tonight? No. No. Me neither. Me neither. All right, while you wait, it takes you a long time to find your way back to a road, which means that unfortunately Frieza makes another death check.

What the fuck? But would those poison things help? Which ones? The thing... The ones that look like potions. The potions? Do the potions help? Yeah, four potions fell to the ground.

Okay. What do you mean okay? All right, I'm going to be like, maybe there's some shelter inside this big bag. Make your death check. I put the whole universe in there once. Oh, three. That's a three is what that is. You have death check. I put the whole universe in there once. Oh, three.

That's a three is what that is. You have failed two death checks. So I rummage around, I'm gonna rummage around and I'm gonna pull out the potions. Yep. Thirsty? Nah, just kidding. Oh, I was thirsty. And I bend down and I lightly pour it down Friso's throat.

I don't even know what it is. I don't even know what it is. I don't even know what it is. I don't even know what it is. I don't even know what it is. I don't even know what it is. I don't even know what it is. I don't even know what it is. I don't even know what it is. I don't even know what it is. I don't even know what it is. I don't even know what it is. and I bend down and I lightly pour it

down Friso's throat. I don't even look at the labels. I just pour one of them down. All right. Congratulations, Friso. You get five hit points back and you wake up. Are these current or temporary hit points?

These are normal hit points. All right. I am on five. I awake and I say, what the fuck was that about? Honestly, this is some bullshit. You had the potions the whole time. I've got to do death check?

I mean, what's the equivalent of a death check in real life? Dying. Look, I'm angry at you. I'm angry at myself. I guess really the lesson we learned from this is that I should have just killed that Father O'Donovitch and I shouldn't have tried to be non-lethal. So from now on, Friso will be much more committed

to murdering everybody. I love you are speaking in the third person. Are you okay? I'm very woozy. Look, you're the first on my list if you don't find a sub-shelter, Baston. Suddenly, Baston puts his hand, he puts his finger on your lips. And with his other hand, he points over your shoulder.

And as you turn, you see a plume of smoke, which wasn't there before, about 400 feet that-a-ways into the woods. I have led us to shelter. I'm the woods. I have led us to shelter. I'm the best. Should we approach? Yeah. We can cook the horse on it. We loudly approach the shelter.

Loudly approach. Here we come. We're coming for the shelter. That's the thing that we are coming for. We're singing a song. It's good to be together. Everyone in that house is gonna die. We say knock, knock, which is like a really cute thing to say because there's no doors.

Okay, you make your way towards a small hut in a small clearing inside the woods. The smoke that you saw is coming from the fireplace. This is a very small, almost picturesque cottage that seems out of place in this dark foreboding area of the woods. As you make your way

loudly, obnoxiously singing your improvised song, you find yourselves at the door do you kick it down it's a door I'm gonna kick it down yeah yeah yeah I think it's the only safe thing to do is let's do it on the count of three one two three kick all right make an advantage check filled you've got the strongest strength. DC, 14. Do you roll a one and a two?

Yep. Make her do a death check. Excellent. Two. And there you go. Well done. You finish your song and as the flourish on the three of it, you all kick a door.

You really hurt your foot. And then the door creaks open, for it was not properly closed. Oh. Well, off in we go. Inside, you find tools of study, a library, desk, a small bed, a rudimentary kitchen area. This is obviously a place where one person lives and works. There is a fireplace that is making sweet-smelling smoke fill the room. Like vape?

Yeah, like vape.... Like vape? Yeah, like vape. Like meat vape? Is it bacon maple meat vape? Maple bacon? Meat vape? Dave, is it? Dave, what is it? Dave? What flavour vape, Dave? It's sandalwood.

And don't I just get booed for sandalwood? Yay, sandalwood! Yeah, reppin' sandalwood. As soon as you walk in, your limbs feel heavy and you realize how long this means. Mother's spaghetti. Sorry. Mother's spaghetti va sorry. Mother's spaghetti bed? Yeah.

Your arms are heavy, knees weak, mum's spaghetti. As soon as you walk in, your eyes and limbs feel heavy and you realize how long you've been lost in the woods. The bed looks oh so inviting and it is hard to resist the temptation to fall asleep. In fact, go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw.

Oh, no. All of you, DC 13. Not you, Friso. Seven. Oh, I got a 17. No, you're... I got four. Eight.

Okay, Baston and Filge, even as you watch Friso start to fall asleep until they're both lying down, Filge snoring adorably, and Baston also snoring adorably. As a descendant from the Fey Magics as a high elf, you are of course immune to sleep magics. I knew that. It's written. It's been written there.

And so you are still awake when suddenly a woman in a tall, imperious red dress walks into the room. in a tall, imperious red dress walks into the room. Um, hey, I'm Friso. What are you doing here?

It's cool to meet you. Nice dress, it really, you look better on, I'm trying to neg her. Nice dress. And to play this stranger, can we please welcome to the stage, Eve Berger. Hey. Eve, you will be playing the part of Karina, the sorcerer, I believe.

Hey. You live in this small hut outside the outskirts of Barovia and you are out collecting pervs and doing your sorcery business when the spells and enchantments that trap your house send a message to you telling you that there are strangers in your house. You have trapped your house in a way that anyone who walks in will fall asleep, and so you've come in to see what's happening. And when you come in, you see a slumbering half-orc,

a strange... Handsome man. That's a new character class. Level one handsome man. And an incredibly socially awkward wizard just standing in the middle trying to work out what's going on. Yeah, no, the thing about the dress is it would look better on someone like slightly taller than you, but it's a great dress all the same.

That's a sick name. Well, yeah, you know, I can see you mean well. Yeah, and also you'll notice these other two people fell asleep, but I didn't, which is a clear sign of value, social value. Freezer's now a pick-up artist. Hey, do you want to see my magic tricks and how I can solve a Rubik's Cube? I'm good, I'm busy.

Did the potion I give Freezer like, came from the blood of a pick-up artist now or something? And now this is what he's always like? I think perhaps the near-death experience unlocked the pick-up artist's potential that was always in Friso. That explains the fedora. The fedora's pretty cool.

It's actually from a classier age when men used to be gentlemen. Yeah. Do you want to ask him what he's doing Well, it's actually from a classier age when men used to be gentlemen. Yeah. Uh-huh. So, do you want to ask him what he's doing in your house? So, what's up? What's up with you? Can I ask someone who's asleep?

I feel like that'll be better. Yeah, well, at least 20 minutes of awkward banter ensues. And during this, Bastogne and Filch, you start to rise as the spell wears off. Me having a terrible dream. Easy, two-horse. Easy. Me dreamt that

a hat was possessing my friend. Making him say dumb stuff. I dreamt that I was riding a horse around. Just around and around. And then I was up a hill. And then I went down it. Just a regular dream.

What? Who is this foul temptress? Friso, stand back. I will protect you. So you guys, you fell asleep? Just got real sleepy? Yeah. It's the sandalwood. Sandalwood? The worst wood! I knew she was cursed. It's a good wood.

I knew she was cursed. It's a good wood. Karina, I assume you help them up and you berate them for trying to kick down your door when you realise that that's... Yeah, what was up with that? You could have knocked. Like, I have an alarm system. Would have been fine.

Me don't know why you have such elaborate alarm system, but don't close your door properly. I mean, that's fair, but I am in the middle of a really creepy wood so people generally don't go in kicking people's doors. I hate doors and everything they stand for. Square, even the ones with the round tops are a little better but I still hate them. You know what man, you do you. Yes. The only acceptable door is a fully round circular door. Like from Bag End.

A place I have not been. What reference could he possibly be making there? Oh, not a good one. So, we're just three innocent guys and a gal just hanging out in the woods. Fraser, you're still almost dead. Don't forget, you've got like four hit points. Wait, you look like a

creepy lady who fiddles in the dark arts. Can you heal my boyfriend? Fiddles? Fiddles, tampers, dabbles, puts fingers where they're not supposed to be. Diddles, doodles, fiddle faddles. No, please, go on.

Crispies up. I don't know. You're not making a great impression. I'm trying to neg her. It seems to me like you guys need help. Yeah, we need help. We're looking for a friend, tiny guy, holding a, what's it called again? He's holding a, we're looking.

It's like a sacred. I feel like you should really know better what you're looking for. This might be why you haven't found him. Yeah, it's like a sacred. It's a relic. Relic. I was going to say opal, but that's wrong. I wouldn't know anything about that.

One thing that you do know, however, Karina, is that if they are looking for help, they could probably find it with the gypsies, which is something... Yes. No, which is you can choose to tell them if you want. But you just told us, though. Well, no, I told you.

He's not here. Okay. Even I know that. If you know anyone who can help us, we can exchange it for a 50-foot of rope. Or maybe you like my floppy hat. Wait. Your little halfling friend,

he has the figure of Pelor? Yeah. I mean, I know somewhere that you might be able to get help, theoretically. There's like a village of gypsies. Oh, gypsies.

They have 12 eyes and many legs. We must not go there. That's another thing. You're not thinking of gypsies. Yeah. You guys go ahead. I'll just chill here with Karina. Like, is that cool with you?

Like, I'm feeling really tired. I should... This bed's big enough for two, right? My love, I would not leave you alone with a devil such as this. So you're a sorcerer, right? I mean, I'm totally a normal human. Oh. Humans do sorcery.

Normal humans in human houses. Cool, cool, cool. Do you have any spells that could make our friend a little less frail than he... I mean, he's frail normally, but even... Could you get into his normal level of frail? I feel like I probably could. Or I could just rest for like four hours in this bed. I mean, that's enough.

No, no, I definitely have a spell. Sure is cool. Karina is, of course, a sorceress, and she does not have divine healing powers. However, she is an expert... In cooking. In cooking? Sure. All right. healing powers. However, she is an expert in cooking. Sure.

This soup tastes like sandalwood. It's very good for you. So you're offering... So while she cooks you a delicious meal, she tells you a little bit more about what brought her to Barovia. Like you, she is trapped in this land, for there is a curse in Barovia that any who enter for hundreds of years, no one has been able to leave. However, she is studying this magic and trying to make

sense of it in her own way. And one contact that you've made, Karina, is with the gypsies, the other prominent magic users in the area, particularly a woman named Madam Ava who seems to rule them, and they have an encampment, a small village, as you said, just by Lake Zarevich, which you know the way to. Yeah. I know the way to this place. There's this chick.

She's really rad. Yeah. You want to go there? Should we? Yeah, I mean, are you coming too? Like, what's up with, like, I don't know. We can just chill, like, whatever. No.

Cool with anything. I think we should go. You seem sick still. Like, maybe you should stay. Oh, so you guys will go, but Friso will stay? I will protect him. That's cool. I'll stay in the house. There's no reason, but Friso will stay. I will protect him. That's cool. I'll stay in the house.

There's no reason, but I'll stay in the house. If you guys want to go, I'll just chill here. No, that won't happen. Are you sure? There's probably some things I can go through. I didn't think it was possible for Friso to be more creepy, but you've unlocked this second level. All right, fine.

I'll come along and these underwears will go unrifled then. Sorry, he's very sick. He's a sick boy in more way than one. So I get free... We just need to go and see these gypsies, right? So I'm going to take Freezo

and I'm going to rope him to my... I can walk. No, no, no. He needs to rest. So I'll... Hmm. What would be the most emasculating way to say it? I'm going to, like, put him in a little pouch.

I'm going to make a pouch. Is it swaddle? Swaddling. Yeah, like a swaddling. Yeah, I'm going to have it around my front and I'm just going to swaddle him up so he can recover. Frieza, you down with this? All right, but this counts as me resting

and I'm going to get all my health points back, right? No, it doesn't. Damn it! All right, as you make your way, Karina leads you through the woods, and immediately you are grateful for her company, for she seems to be following a path that none of you can see. Karina, you're leading them deeper into the woods,

and you are leading them to an encampment that is on the north banks of the River Iblis. Now, this is the river that cuts through Virobia, and the northern banks are the river Iblis. Now this is the river that cuts through Virobia and the northern banks are the wild lands. The south side is where most of the civilization is, where the village is, but in the north it is much more untamed, much more dangerous. Now at this time of year it is impossible to ford the river, but you know of ways to get underneath, particularly you know of old tunnels that you found in your own investigations, which presumably you are leading them towards.

Yes, I am doing that. Excellent. How are you guys going to be travelling through the woods? On my horse, I'm riding on my horse. Horse, horse, horse, two horse. Bastogne didn't sing this much in the last adventure. But he's found his voice. I'm finding it slightly hard to focus with all the singing.

I'm trying to find an invisible path. Well, get better at magic. It's not my problem. I'm just awesome with this knife. And I flip it up and catch it. Hopefully. Make a dickster check. Make an unnecessary dickity check. Make an unnecessary

dexterity check. One. Excellent. To punctuate how awesome you are, you grab a knife, flick it up in the air and then it stabs

through your hand. Take four hit points of damage, and you have disadvantage to dexterity for the rest of the day. Boo. I telepathically communicate with Karina and be like, wow, what a beater, am I right? Again, really trying to focus on invisible parts. Okay, cool.

She's hot. So who's at the front and who's guarding the rear? I'm just... I'll guard the front. You're swaddled. I will guard the rear. All right. Just purely functionally.

I will follow. I'll follow Karina. Excellent. As you make your way through, you realise that it has been... It is now middayday so you've you've traveled through the night into the next day and you guys are actually starting to get exhausted which will become a problem if you don't sleep soon um as you make your way towards the river

you create and bring them to a stop at what seems to be an old sort of altar of sorts, a kind of man-made structure, and you show them where beneath an entrance into old tunnels can be found. You guys are going to have to go underneath and through these tunnels if you want to get past the river. No horse is going to have to stay.

Okay, Baston, time to say goodbye to horsey two horse. He pulls horsey two horse's time to say goodbye to horsey two horse pulls horsey two horse aside and like presses his forehead to horsey two has his forehead said and just whisper he goes all right horsey two horse i know we're not apart very often but i just want you to know that i'm going to come back for you you've got to be strong. Strong like I am. And whenever you're chewing your hay or carrots, just think of me. And let out a little Winnie.

And if ever you're in trouble, just Winnie and I'll be there. Bastogne is always with you, horsey to horse. And he gives him a slap on the rump And then another slap And then says Go, dammit, just go Get out of here

Get out of here, dammit Hey, hey Dave If I'm being swallowed, are my hands free? Yes, you Okay, cool As horsey to horseHorse is running away, I quickly cast an Eldritch Blast, which is just a...

It's just a cantrip. It's just a cantrip, so it doesn't waste a spell slot. And I've got a 300 feet range, so it doesn't matter how fast this horse is going. I'm making a spell attack against the target. And, well, because if I kill the target, I'm going to get four hit points because of the warlock thing. And just...

You're a monster. And I just feel like every hit point is going to be necessary. What happened to you while you were unconscious? What do you mean? I read the manual is what happened. I'm just going to kill this horse real quick. OK, a horse has armor class 12 Go ahead, make a ranged attack I got a 8 plus

What's my spell attack? Plus 5 is 13 So I get that and then I roll a 1d10 To get Oh well, I rolled a d12 instead and I got 12 So can I do 12 damage? I'll just do 10 damage, it's fine, yeah Alright The horse Dies I'll just do ten damage, it's fine, yeah. Alright, um...

The horse dies. Atreyu! I'm just going to mark up the extra hit points though, so now I'm on nine. I'm totally unfazed by the blood that's everywhere, totally okay with it. Totally fine. Um, alright, so, uh, you with it. Totally fine. All right, so you killed it. What? What did you?

Is your jealousy so strong that you must take away everything that lies between us? Now our love must never be broken. Am I still... Because I remember last time I tried to do a perception check of what was going on between... Yeah, you think he has a crush on Bobby Pancakes. Yeah, so I say, don't worry, we'll find your Bobby.

We will. Just leaving that strange moment. You delve into the tunnels. They are dimly lit, so those of you with magical sight can still see. Is anybody not going to be able to see? Me, I think Baston is just a guy, right? I've got dark vision, so I can see. You can also see.

Karina, you'll be fine. I can totally see. Can I light a torch? You can. It'll kind of ruin everybody else's dark vision. I don't give a fuck. So I want to light a torch. I can't see shit.

Best on lights and torch. And you descend deeper in. Now, are you walking deeper in. Now, are you walking obnoxiously? Are you singing a song? Are you sneaking? Which is novel, I know, but kind of traditional. We can sneak. We can sneak. With our Bobby here? Yeah, we can sneak.

Yeah. What's on there? Sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak. Are you going to chant sneak? Yes.? Snake, snake, snake, snake, snake, snake, snake, snake. Are you going to chant snake? Yes. Snake, snake, snake, snake, snake. And we go like this. Oh, wait. I'll do it for podcast.

And then we look to the left and then we look to the right as we do it. Yeah. Okay. All of you make a stealth check. Sneaky check, sneaky check. We are making a 14. Oh, wow. 14, 15, 20. 12.

Yeah. All free, Zoeg. Did I pass the stealth check? You know what? I think you guys are fine. So you, as you make your way I sneak. I sneak. Yeah, you're fine. As you make your way deep into it, you can feel the rushing of water deep above you

and you realise you are now actually underneath the river itself. This, what looks like man-made barrows have actually opened up into sort of organic fissure in the rock itself and these are natural cabins that you'll work for. You say fissure in the rock itself? A fissure. Oh, got it, got it. So does that mean there's a chance this is going to break

through and we're going to get... Somebody would have to make some kind of cataclysmic magical destruction. No, don't worry. Yeah, I'm just saying that, but that's a thing that we should all be worried about, right? So if I wanted to, like, get my shit back from my friend, I could threaten her? You've

changed. That's cool. Keep walking. In fact, as you're sneaking, you come into a large area where you start seeing spider silk on the walls. In large,

terrifyingly large quantities. And you realise that perhaps this area has been inhabited recently. Gross. By spider silk merchants. The worst kind of merchants.

Sticks to your hands. What do you even do with it? Me had my formal dress made out of spider silk. Oh really? I'm sure it was divine. Oh it was. My date was a spider. Did you cut your formal in a cocoon? With arm holes.

Karina, do you want to make a quick intelligence check? DC 12. Because we can't help. I have given up on you. Any of these ones. Excellent. Alright. 12. You realise that this is the, must be the lair of giant spiders, which are native to this area,

and that if they have their babies here, then they can't be far away. Yeah, we should probably either move really quickly or try to kill them. How many babies are there? Because it's four hit points per kill, so... LAUGHTER Like, honestly,

I'm not above murdering a family of spider babies. And we have the name of the episode of the podcast. Bastogne's just going to start burning fire webs. Oh, with his torch? Yeah, just because he's got fire and there's shit that will go on

fire, so he's like, I'm the best. Yeah. Okay, as you start burning them, you suddenly hear skittering and vibrations, and out of the smoke, you suddenly see a giant spider. Shocker. I know, I know. Coming towards you.

It seems to be only one of them by itself and it looks very agitated as if somebody is burning its home. Dumb spider. I'm going to let Friso out of the swaddling. In your quick release? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just like, I'm doing not at the back and he tumbles out. Okay. Can the spider attack him? In a second it's going Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just like, I'm doing not at the back, and he tumbles out. Okay. Can a spider attack him?

In a second, it's going to, yeah. It's going to attack him? What? I use my beast speech to say, the one who's burning your house is Bastogne. Says the spider. Oh. Yeah, yeah, you can speak to it

and you can convey very simple ideas, very, very simple ideas, but you can't understand what it says. Okay, okay. I bow very deeply and I say, Your Majesty. Oh, for God's sake, the giant spider attacks you all.

Okay, the giant spider has a ranged attack web. So who's closest? The first person to go is Karina, actually. Oh, faster than the spider, are you? So Karina, you've got an action now. You can cast a spell, you can attack. What do you want to do? I have a chromatic orb.

Yeah, that is a spell. That's a ranged spell attack. Absolutely. Can I try to cast that? Great, so you're going to cast Chromatic Orb. I have to choose a damage type though. Acid! You create a Chromatic Orb out of

Acid. I could possibly go wrong. Look at this fire around. And you roll a 3! Okay, so the orb splashes against the wall harmlessly. Well, not harmlessly, it's acid.ashes against the wall harmlessly. Well, not harmlessly.

It's acid. I think it's acid. It burns the wall. If anything, it makes the spider angrier, but it doesn't do any damage. The next person up is Baston. Oh, Baston, I guess, charges forward and swings his fiery torch. Okay. And he says, Back, beast.

You're really ugly. Go ahead, make an attack. Yeah, best on 18. Excellent. All right, so you attack the beast and you actually manage to hit it with your torch and you do four fire damage to it. Sick.

But it's not on fire or anything. It's just in pain and it rears back. The next up is Filge. I'm going to grab the sword out of the bag of holding. Oh, okay. Yeah. Do you mean the dagger? Oh, is that?

Yeah. How short is that? Is it too late to change my mind? No, you can change your mind. All right. I'm going to try and javel it in one of its many eyes. Javel is the verb of javelin, by the way. Are you going to javel it?

I'm going to javel it. Great. Okay. So is the verb of javelin, by the way. You're going to javel it? I'm going to javel it. Great. Okay, so you pull out a javelin and you throw it. So that's, again, make an attack roll. Yep, yep. I got a five. A five will not do it. So your javelin hits the acid and starts to burn.

You've wasted your javelin. The next up is the spider, which... So who's closest? Right now. Baston. Baston. Okay, so he's going to try and web, or she, gender-neutral spider,

is going to try and web Baston. 17 plus 5. Baston is... So the spider spits silk at Baston, and he is thrown against a wall, trapped, and he is now grappled by the spider web. But also, as he does this, two other spiders rear out of the dark behind you that you missed and attack you. Oh no. One of them attacking Filge.

Oh, I get two more spiders? Yes, two more spiders. One attacks Filge and misses, and the other one attacks Karina and rolls a one. These spiders are not doing very well. These spiders suck. And so you're fine. Are they in a 15-foot cone, would you say? The two in the back are.

All right. I burn a spell slot and I cast Burning Hands at the two at the back, and I roll a 19 plus 5 is 24. So then, yeah, can you roll a 4d6 damage? Alright, so I do 3, 8

plus 6 is 14 and then the fourth one is, I do 22 damage to those two spiders. Okay. What up spiders, I say. 22 hit points to each of the spiders. Okay. What up, spiders? I say. 22 hit points to each of the spiders.

Yeah, it says 4d6, burning hands. Okay. Oh, no, but they can do a dexterity saving throw versus dc13. That makes more sense. One of them succeeds and manages to, at the last point, jump away, which means that it does only half damage.

So it's only taken 11 hit points. And the other one fails and burns to a crisp. You've killed one of the spiders. 13 hit points. Counting them up. Next up, Karina, it's your turn again. So I have a magic missile. Yes.

Can I do that? It creates three glowing darts. So which one's it? Here here's one d4 2d4 Karina you have two options you have the spider in front that you were casting magical or the burning one behind you the burning one seems like an easier target okay they automatically hit three four three plus six is ten that's enough you've killed the second spider. Congratulations. I ate glow and it worked. Now, Baston, you have a chance to do a strength check to try and break out.

Strength check to try and break out of the thing. Eighteen. Baston with a mighty roar. I'm the best! Legitimately this time. But that takes your entire action. Phil, it's your turn. Okay.

So there's two left? There's one left. There's one left. And it's only in a very small way hurt. Well, I'm going to go into a rage. Okay. Because I'm angry. Why are you angry?

Oh, I'm so mad. I'm mostly mad at Friso for killing that horse, but I'm directing that rage towards the giant spider. Why are you angry about that? Let's talk about this. Let it out. No. Too angry. I'm mostly mad at Friso for killing that horse, but I'm directing that rage towards the giant spider. Why are you angry about that? Let's talk about this. Let it out. No, too angry. I'm raging.

I'm raging. Excellent. Roll your attack. Add your extra bonus damage. Two d20s. If you're a frenzy, then you roll your two attacks. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right.

All right. So they're my two attacks. Okay. One of them hits. One of them misses. And the one that hits. That's 2d12. One of them hits, which is the blue one, which is one. two attacks. Okay, one of them hits, one of them misses, and the one that hits... Does 2d12. One of them hits, which is the blue one, which is 1, plus 4, 5, plus 6 is 7 damage.

It's still alive, and now it's attacking back. Eden. Oh, yeah, I'm going to try and bite you. I'm going to bite you. Sorry, wait. Is that how they splat it to us? Yeah, and it's telepathic too. I'm going to bite you now.

You hit me with that stick, I'm going to bite back. And rolled a 17 and does D8 plus 3 piercing damage. D8. And this is Filch? This is Filch. 7 plus 3 is 10. DC 11, con saving throw or take 2d8 additional poison damage. You take half that damage because you're in a rage.

You take five hit points and now quickly make a constitution saving throw. You need to... Oh! I said I'd bite you, didn't I? I said I would. So this unfortunately means that, Frieza, you're now poisoned. Me? Phil just poisoned. you're now poisoned. Me? Phil just poisoned. I'm now poisoned.

However... Do I get powers? Do I get spidey powers? Just because Bobby got bitten by a werewolf and got better doesn't mean that everyone that gets bitten by something gets the powers of that thing. That's what you think. Frieza, you're up. How's the spider looking, Dave? It's looking pretty hurt, and it's looking pretty sassy I'm going to Eldritch Blast this sassy spider

That's a 16, plus 5 is 21 That'll hit Hits, and then I do 1d10 damage But I don't have a d10 again, so I'm just going to roll a d12 Take this d10 Rolls your 20, love it 7 So it does, yeah, seven damage.

Seven damage? Yep. The spider says its last words. Ow! Oh. My ass. And dies. Yes.

Oh, that's more like, my ass. Hey, Dave, I never need to get healed again. I just need to keep killing stuff This is amazing Hey Baston Punch me, just do it Can I just ask you a quick question? Are those hit points or temporary?

They're temporary hit points I've got 12 temporary hit points right now And 5 real ones So it's not the same as healing? Well it's not, but if I keep killing stuff It's permanent, you know what I mean? It's just like a murderous adrenaline. Like, that's how temporary it was.

Yeah, what you are describing is a psychopathic rush. Hit me! Somebody hit me! As you make your way out through the other side of the tunnel, you feel the river behind you and the sun on your faces. You are injured, Friso, despite what you may think. You, Filge, are poisoned. Karina, it is up to you to take them to safety, but how will the Dragon Friends find safety

in a land as unhospitable as Barovia? For the answer to these questions and more, tune in to the next episode of Dragon Friends. Thank you. Dragon Friends is recorded live at Giant Dwarf Theatre in Sydney Thank you. Australia and you can find our latest episodes at our website thedragonfriends.com. This month we're also launching a Patreon where you can support us and get access to special content and exclusive gifts. You can find out about that on our website too. Thanks for listening.